#I used to use it a lot to differentiate myself from other trans ppl

[graevs666]

z

[spacelazarwolf]

i think you’re absolutely right about the cuntboys/make trans guys pregnant shit. it made me so uncomfortable too.

pregnancy has always been a giant fear of mine, and there are people out there who genuinely think forcing trans men to get pregnant will ‘fix’ us or some shit. like, sure, it’s fine to joke abt stuff that affects you, but that post didn’t read all that jokey to me tbh.

and the cuntboy thinf. seriously? that’s essentially just pushing us- (sorry can’t remember the right word for it lol) but it’s just pushing us down to labeling us by what we were born with and differentiating us from cis men

it's just blowing my fucking mind to watch them try to backtrack and claim it was "just joking about kinks between friends" because that is literally not what happened. they were talking specifically about a group of "cuntboys" they don't like, said that they should make those "cuntboys" they don't like "fat and pregnant" and then joked about making them "breeders." if they were joking about a kink between friends, they'd have made a separate post and used language that made it clear they were talking about themselves. they didn't though bc they were literally talking specifically about a group of people they don't like and specifically weaponizing a terrifying and traumatizing experience a lot of trans ppl who can get pregnant never ever want to experience.

and i put this in the tags of my other answer, but like. when roe v wade fell, i waited on the phone for 4 hours with the "women's health clinic", the only clinic in my area that took medicaid, to try to get an appointment to get sterilized and it took another two weeks just to get it confirmed. i remember the guy i was hooking up with texted me the day the news broke and asked if i wanted to stop hooking up because he knew how huge a fear pregnancy is for me. i had been trying to get sterilization surgery for years but kept getting sent away, and finally i had to just tell the doctor i had my appointment with "listen dude i am almost 30 i know what i want if i get pregnant and i can't get an abortion my only option will be to kill myself and i really want to fucking live so please give me this surgery." insurance ended up not even covering a hysterectomy so i had to opt for tubal removal. because even being on hormones and having a clear record of asking over and over again for sterilization wasn't enough to grant me bodily autonomy, i had to give them no other option. i got misgendered the entire time i was at the hospital and don't even remember how i got home because i was barely out of anesthesia and conscious when they loaded me in my sister's car.

a pregnancy is a death sentence for so many trans people. and for those that end up going through it, or even for those who want to go through it, pregnant trans people are treated horrifically. if your kid comes out with birth defects, you can be prosecuted for child endangerment because testosterone can cause birth defects.

you do not fucking make jokes like that about other people. and you do not turn around and tell the people you made rape/forced pregnancy jokes about that they're being too sensitive or that they're somehow making you uncomfortable for calling you out on your disgusting and misogynistic joke. this is not fucking 2016 reddit you do not have to be an edgelord to be accepted as one of the guys. making literal rape jokes is not protecting trans women. it's you being a misogynist. i am not changing my mind on this.

[cavity-collector]

queer identity shit

google doc is unnecessary now bcz i just purged a lot of my mogai labels so im just gonna put them all here in an orderly way for myself to mentally process better + bcz ppl who will see this r internet strangers so idc about being presentable (+ maybe like 3 internet not strangers hi)

(click read more)

———————☆ ORIENTATION ☆———————

greyaromantic: someone who experiences romantic attraction, but very infrequently

queer: umbrella term; in this case used to mean “it’s complicated & im nonbinary so gender is fucked anyways so gender specific labels dont work”

————————☆ GENDER ☆—————————

basically, boy but a girl sometimes while also never being a girl + flowers + dirt + autism ++

————————————————————————

BASIC GENDER LABELS:

genderfluid, transmasc, trans, nonbinary, xenogender, xenoboy

autigender: a gender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic/is heavily influenced by their neurodivergence

auticringic: an autigender related to “cringe” stuff, and how many autistic traits and interests are often seen as cringy. a gender related to reclaiming the ableism of cringe culture as apart of your gender, and autigender related to pride in being considered a “cringy” autistic!

traitblur:  a label for being unable to differentiate your identity from your interests, due to neurodivergency or other reasons

floragender: a gender that is heavily influenced by/related to plants of any kind

genderdandi: gender in which one feels dandelions are connected to/represent their gender

tootheokayic: a gender related to ones complete fascination, obsession, or interest in human teeth. a person who is tootheokayic might collect human teeth, but does not necessarily have to; this gender is creepy in the way that the kid in your class who is obsessed with death is creepy. it is fascinating, original, and slighly unhinged.

cringegender: when ur gender is cringe but in a cool and epic way <3

trendercoric:  a gender connected to the “trendercore” aesthetic, an aesthetic based on the reclaimed derogatory term “transtrender”

transhazard: an identity based in unapologetic transness and opposition to cisnormative gender; a rejection of societal gender norms as a universal concept and an embracing of all those outcast by it. to be transhazard is to be recklessly, revolutionarily proud of oneself, one's transness, and one's community, and to uplift and support others regardless of conventionality.

femasc:  being feminine and masculine (and/or masculine and feminine); feminine masculinity; masculine femininity; masc+fem (and/or fem+masc).

fluttersiblicorn: a gender connected to being a siblicorn and having fluttershy as your favourite pony! Can also be connected to fluttershy in other ways, i.e. feeling like a siblicorn+ and like your gender can be expressed with fluttershy, connected to fluttershy, feels like fluttershy, etc.

mlpmascgirlic: a xenogender that’s mostly masc in nature, but is also a girl in the sense of liking my little pony in a girl way. It may or may not be specific to gen 4

puellamaggender:  a gender related to the magical girls in the puella magi madoka magica universe.

magicuic: a gender that’s male while being a magical girl or being connected to magical girls. it’s male, but is still feminine and associated with stereotypical magical girl aesthetics and presentation, such as hot pink ribbons, pastel pink glitter, silver heart wands, etc.

frogstuffic: a gender connected to frog plushies

goostgender: a gender that is simply connected to spirits in forests. it is connected to general spirits in forest things, spirits in forest aesthetics, and anything connected to spirits in forests

feragender:  a gender marking a connection to wild animals + nature, and detachment from societal norms and the gender binary. largely connected to neurodivergents who not only feel disconnected from humanity as a whole, but also struggle to fully understand or label their gender identity.

divsheadical: a gender connected to/related to the album Divorce Lawyers I Shaved My Head by Jordaan Mason and the Horse Museum

brighttransic: a gender that is warm, happy, and bright. it connects to embracing being trans and taking joy in transness as a whole. it can be connected to the color yellow and being nonbinary.

genderpunk: an identity that in and of itself is a resistance against gender norms and oppression, as relating to punk culture

riotgrrrlpunkic: a gender related to riot grrrl subculture, music, and/or fashion

———————☆ MISC LABELS ☆———————

feralpunk: an identity around accepting oneself despite society’s stereotypes and dehumanization. it is for autistic/ND queer people. it is for all the people who were treated like animals, treated like they were contagious, or had a deadly disease for being “too loud”, “too hyper”, or “too much” etc etc

ambiamorous: a label for when one would be happy in either a monogamous or polyamorous relationship

xenodysphoria: a term that describes an experience of gender dysphoria surrounding, or caused by, things that are unrelated to masculinity, femininity, androgyny, neutrality, or anything in between.

alderstardottic: an aldernic term for desiring a body dotted with stars

[likearecordbb]

about your post on the recent discourse...

it's honestly so confusing to me because like,, you say that ppl pointing out how members of this fandom will make neil very stereotypically 'feminine' is reinforcing the idea of 'masculinity' as one thing and 'femininity' as another.... and i get that we should get rid of these labels. but at the same time... the content itself that ppl are criticising (the ones that 'feminize' neil) are already doing just that. that's why they're criticising it.

i can't point out how ppl are reinforcing the idea that a relationship should have a 'man' and a 'woman', without... saying that that's what they're doing. the writer themselves already sees relationships this way and 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as two different distinct things. that's exactly *why* they're writing neil this way while keeping andrew close to canon.

there's nothing wrong with neil being stereotypically 'feminine' of course. but to act like it's somehow misogynistic for me to go to these ppl and be like 'hey, u shouldn't view mlm relationships through the lens of a hetero one! it can be very harmful' is weird to me... *especially* considering these stereotypes that ppl are pushing onto neil come from misogyny themselves. (ppl making neil much much more emotional than he is in canon while keeping andrew very stoic)

idk, like... ur simultaneously saying that we shouldn't view relationships as needing a 'man' and a 'woman'... while defending people who are doing just that and creating content which reinforces just that.

it's one thing to say 'we shouldn't view masculinity and femininity as two distinct and different things!'/'we should get rid of these labels all together cause they're meaningless'... but if i look at the content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes... then i can't help but feel like ur not as detached from the idea of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as u would like to believe... i trust the ppl who say these ideas are meaningless while not changing the canon characters because they seem to be sticking to their words.

people will just say that they prefer writing andreil is this heternormative way... they'll just say it what they like or what they're most comfortable writing without ever questioning *why* they prefer it this way.

and if they're projecting.. well then, *why* this couple? why pick an mlm couple to project what is often the experience of a cis woman in a relationship? why pick this mlm couple when there are others that do fit the stereotypical heternormative dynamic? idk. like,, u can do this ofc, but ppl can also call u out on ur shit.

there's an undeniable reason that neil is exclusively the one that ppl pick to make more stereotypically 'feminine'. and there's a reason this type of content is also so popular. and it's certainly not wrong to point this out.

You know, I can see all of these points that you're making. For me, the overall issue of this is very complicated. I am also super uncomfortable with the imposition of heteronormative roles onto...well, onto any relationship, regardless of the identities of the people who constitute it. I was raised smack dab in the middle of the gay community by lesbian moms (together 38 years now, jfc, can you imagine??), so that "man/woman" thing was never something that I grew up internalizing or normalizing. I can recognize that this may give me a bit too much of a sense of objectivity.

However, I'm also like...I've been ruined by grad school. The "feminizing" word makes me really uncomfortable because it starts to stray for me into gender essentialism territory. It also seems to foundationally differentiate between "masculine" behaviors and "feminine" behaviors and I just really hate that? Lesbian moms, trans daughter, bi (and late-in-life trying to see where on the ace spectrum I might fall) self, I've just met so many people with so many expressions of gender and sexuality and I just... Idk, I automatically resist anything that feels like it's upholding "masculinity" and "femininity" as real (as in, not constructed) things. And then I also am like, well, I've known SO MANY gay men who behaved in the ways that the discourse constructs as "feminized" and then I start to feel like, what about these men? Are they less 'men' because of it? How would it feel for that man to read these things saying his identity expression was a problem or a bad stereotype? Do I read *Neil Josten* within that context... no, not really. I think Neil has a 'not enough emotional expression' problem way before he has a 'too much emotional expression' problem.

I'll say here what I often say to my students in complex discussions: I don't have answers. I don't think I'm right and anyone else is wrong. I just have complicated thoughts and feelings and concerns about some of the things that sometimes seem to be left uninterrogated.

So, I do 100% get the need to be vigilant about the imposition of a "man" (dominant, emotionally constipated, sexually driven, stoic) role and "woman" (emotional, needy, teary, dependent) role onto relationships with two (or more!) men or women. I would also argue that we need to get rid of that idea in hetero relationships, too, because it's super damaging. I just wish we could find a way to talk about that that didn't feel like it was accepting this idea of femininity as a given? And I definitely agree that it's problematic when the 'bottom' in a relationship is depicted as the one who's soft and silly and weepy. (Have you read TJ Klune's Tales from Verania series? A VERY fun world that does that not at all and it's great). I'm not saying these things are not worth confronting--I'm just really uncomfortable with the way the conversations are often framed around a concept of femininity/feminizing. It feels like shrapnel, I guess? Like, 'ugh stop feminizing Neil he's not weepy and uwu he's a badass' feels inherently to me like it's making femininity and badassery mutually exclusive? Maybe I'm just looking for a caveat or footnote in the argument that acknowledges that that is constructed *for women too*? And is a part of, like, a larger heteronormative patriarchal structure? And not something that we can just all obviously agree is the way the ladies (should?) behave?

One other question I've been dying to ask, though, is: where are these fics? I don't think I've ever read something where Neil is crying over Jack being mean to him or anything. Maybe if I start to see hints of that characterization, I just close the tab and never end up getting to the 'worst' of it?

Although, if what you said earlier about the "content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes..." was referring to me, then... idk what to say to that. I don't think that's what I do. The heteronormative relationship that you're describing isn't one that I enjoy, desire for myself (or anyone else), or have any interest in reproducing.

Does this clarify what I'm trying to say? I guess it's a really long way of saying, in the old insufferable grad school tradition: well, first we have to define our terms. Because I'm not sure we're all coming up with the same thing when we use the word "feminizing" and that probably has a lot to do with why we keep having this exact same conversation over and over and over again.

If I missed any specific point you'd like to pick at in more detail, please let me know--my very sad platonic life partner (who had to put her beloved 15-year-old poodle to sleep yesterday) and her mom are waiting for me to drive them to the stores for a distraction, so I'm feeling a little time pressure.

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

I already wrote this post, but I’m coming backk up to the top to put a cut bc it’s p long.

my brother is singing falsettos out loud & I’ve already had a stressful day bc I’ve done nothing (lack of structure & lack of productivity gives me really bad anxiety) & he’s either singing out of key & out of time, or it just sounds really bad without the music. He’s the only one who can hear the music bc HeadPhones. & also the falsettos is probably really bad for my mom bc she’s mad that dad left her, esp bc the house is a mess & stressing her out & she needs to go grocery shopping & he used to do that “but now he doesn’t because he stopped loving [her]”, so my bro singing fucking falsettos is really bad. I can’t cook supper bc I don’t have a recipe & the stuff is still frozen & idk what kind of dough I should make & besides the kitchen is a mess & he won’t fucking clean it. I mean it’s also partially my fault bc I’m a lazy adhd mofo, but it’s his job today & my job to cook. I need to get into the kitchen & cook before mom & my OTHER brother get home from shopping but I can’t bc he’s just drawing & singing & the singing is so annoying- I was trying to listen to a thing but I couldn’t fricking hear it bc adhd auditory processing disorders, it didn’t have fucking subtitles or anything & it was not great audio quality & I couldn’t differentiate between the words he was singing, & I couldn’t hear the quiet parts when they overlapped with his singing. I wasn’t going to write all of this I was just going to say that his singing makes me want to cut myself, but apparently there’s a lot more to it. also I don’t want to end up cooking while mom is home bc I don’t have any drawings on my arm & mom is fucking nosy & wants to see my scars so I have to work extra hard at hiding them but even with ppl who arent nosy, like my little bro I don’t like them out, but the longer my older bro sits there fucking yelling out of key, the longer I’m delayed & I won’t be able to cook. By this point, I won’t even be able to cook the meal I was planning on, I have so much shit to do I’ve missed so much & I’m so behind, but I’m so incapable of doing anything like i can’t do chores bc I use the excuse I have homework but I never fucking do my homework so I’m also behind in school & even with the stuff I like like dnd & writing & violin I can’t do, & I skipped online kung fu & I’ve been slacking off under so many excuses but I’m just being lazy & anxious & I also gained so much weight & it makes my body feel so bad & i know this isn’t my body’s happy weight & being fat makes my boobs bigger & I’m fucking trans & I hate them I even tried cutting them off myself & ended up waiting 15 hours to go to the hospital so that I wouldn’t make mom suspicious (& they put me through triage really fast bc apparently I did a lot of dammage- I was planning on giving myself stitches, but my icepack melted & I couldn’t numb my body anymore so they’re lucky I even went to the hospital, it was bad bc I had to walk 20 minutes either way weighted down with a fucking toolbox & I waited outside in the cold bc my phone died & thus:) mom found out anyways so I lied to her about going to buy drugs bc obv /that’s/ a better idea than telling her I went to the hospital & SHUT UP UNNAMED OLDER BROTHER ok he’s between songs now. If I told mom I went to the hospital she would ask why & be like “y didn’t u tell me” & “r u cutting urself again” & like yeah bitch I have been for a while ik the social worker said I should tell you a codeword, but I don’t do that bc u blame yourself or cry or want to talk about & I yes I fucking cut myself what of it? Yeah I tried fucking removing my own left breast, bc u arent’ supportive of medical transitioning, at least not when they’re ur kids. Ur mad at dad bc he got a tattoo bc it’s  body modification & thus uncatholic, but u’ll support ur catholic university friends gettin gtheir eldest daughter a reduction bc her boobs are big & painful- bitch what’s so different about me? I went so far as to try giving myself a reduction, you say you’re concerned about me mutilating my body & making bad decisions, but, you know what? because of this I have legitimately mutilated my body, & made a dangerous & bad decision. isn’t autosurgery proof that I need top surgery bc it’s a danger to my life if I don’t get it? The government is able to pay for it I think & bc it’s a danger to my health (& i get pain & I can’t work out & I get back pain & my skin pulls & hurts & if I jump my tissues yank my skin & it hurts & it puts so much strain on my back, & binding gives me pain, so I need a reduction as much as your catholic university friends’ daughter does) I should be abe to qualify. Even if I don’t qualify yet & have to wait two years, at least that would be the start of two years now instead of in a long time, I mean, mum, you say you want me to talk about it & you’re afraid I’m rushing into it? guess what? They are too! the healthcare system will make me do a bunch of shit to qualify, & tbh, I think that they are better qualified to talk to me about surgery & what I really want than you.  Fucking finally, I hope my brother is done his play & finally shuts up. TA MA DE FUCK NO HE’S STARTING AGAIN CROWS DAMN IT CROWS CROWS CROWS & MAGGOTS I”m not even gonna be able to make anythiung for supper & i have no ideas besides the long one which I don’t have time for anymore. fine. whatever. I’ll go SH in my room. I won’t even work on fanfic bc I’m too fucking adhd & broken. I fucking hate it when ppl say “we;re all a bit adhd” like no bitch shut the fuck up, we all struggle with the things adhd ppl struggle with sometimes, but adhd is a neurological condition that makes those struggles so commonplace & intense that it affects our everyday lives. & no. adhd does not mean we’re more creative. Even if we do have more likeliihood of coming up with funky ideas, most of us struggle to articulate them or understand them, or we forget them as soon as they come. you’re not adhd bc you’re a little more creative, youre just an ableist asshole & fuck you. adhd isn’t creativity its’ a fucking disability. I’m directing this at those fucking parents who have the lovely nd daughter who gave me a hug, but you two are motherfuckers. Yeah I get thaat adhd, once you learn how to mannage it, can be useful, & I understand that part of the reason this disability is so hard is bc society isn’t designed for it (like a lefty using right hand scissors), but ot’s still fuxking REAL & if you can’t deal with it yet, it 100% is a disanbility. OK? Ok. I had smth I was going to say earlier, but I got distracted by smth else that made me mad, so I never got around to it. Youo know what I love? I fucking love how tumblr has next to no character limit so I can just type as much as I want. You know what I don’t like? I’ll probably get deactivated by some SJW maggot-eaten crow-fucker who thinks that my rant& mentioning my failed ed & my self harm (oh fuck shut up, my brother is chanting “dumb”) so anyways some fucking sjw fuck-hole will report this post & my blog & I’ll be deactivated for simply getting angry on tumblr. It’s fucking tumblr! You used to be able to say whatever you needed to say! But now, esp us ppl w EDs, have no safe place to talk about our issues (at least, not w/o fear of gettin gterminated for “encouraging” EDs, when we’re just trying to help ourselves). Anywasy, sorry for all the swears & go se, I swear when I’m mad. I’m gonna go do smth, idk what. Can’t be anything productive, Can’t even be unproductive stuff I like, like watching youtubem, or smth cathartic like playing fiddle. I might just go & bleed a bit & ignore everything for a while. I nkow that the world will still be stressful when I get back, & I’ll still have to cook, & I’ll still be behind in school, & mom will still be broken-hearted over dad, but I’m feeling calmer just thinking about it so that’s what I’ll do. 

[noctomania]

Just having a moment

Dad already had been fighting a lung infection for a while when the pandemic hit. After about the first year, I think, of the pandemic his health has steadily gotten worse. It's been one thing after another and now we're looking at a situation where he may be facing the end of his life. He can't breathe well on his own and he has an extreme phobia of wearing a mask so he's been apparently a bit difficult during the pandemic in terms of wearing a mask, but also now that he needs a mask to help him breathe. The only way they could get it to work was sedating him (with his permission) so he can wear it.

I'm at work rn but I'm not *here* really. I couldn't tell you anything about the last hour. Ive not cried, the only time i really felt close to crying was bc I was hearing my sister cry on the phone. I'd known this was coming and I guess either I'm prepared? Or just hasn't really hit yet? Idk. It's complicated bc my relationship with my parents lately has not been great, we don't really talk. I still haven't talked to my stepmom. I don't know how to explain why I feel a way towards them. Bc it's not like a blunt obvious issue yanno? It's just they have a culture about them that I don't deal well with i guess.

I don't know that I'll be able to speak to him before he passes, idk what the next steps are, and I can't be there so I'm just stuck knowing that things are going south and that I have nothing to do but sit and wait for the inevitable. It's not that I don't feel anything, I feel sick and tired and frustrated. But also plain overwhelmed so I can't even get the energy to deal with any of that feeling. I do care, I just deal with things differently bc I have to.

Anything to do with family immediately triggers a ton of shit I don't want to think about yet think about all too often. I can't shut shit off. And what's worse is there is also a part of my brain saying I'm selfish and petty and that nothing but other people's issues matter and all that shit. That if i had real problems I wouldn't be where i am. But then i remember I'm only where i am bc I have fought so hard to keep from giving up even though I have wanted, dreamed, fantasized about not having to fight anymore and just giving up.

Do you know how infuriated i get with myself when I am triggered by a fuckin pill bottle bc I feel like I'm the one who made myself mentally ill? But i have to give myself grace and remind myself that I'm not in a tunnel and that isn't Destiny - i just need to let the moment pass and the moment pass and the moment pass. That nobody makes themselves miserable on purpose. That not all issues have a place to lay blame. That the important thing is to try to take care of myself. Which is hard when I'm not getting the prompts I should or don't understand them or whatever.

When i last talked to dad he said he'd always been proud of me. Idk why or how. I'd never really thought about whether or not I make them proud. Idk why. I've felt just difficult, inconvenient, a financial drain. When i moved into their house they put me to work as soon as it was legal, when it was exhausting me bc I was in school and literally hurting bc my feet are shit, I was shamed for quitting. When I was turning 18 i was given an ultimatum to either go to college - which I did not want to do bc I had no idea what I wanted to do & it was a lot of money - or move out and find a way to live off of what a queer 18yo in texas fresh out of high school could find to sustain them. Somewhat homeless during college, as every holiday and summer break it was like ok who is going to let me sleep on their couch while the dorms are closed? Eternally grateful to those who put me up here. Can think of at least 3 households who did. I hate accepting help. It was humbling and I always tried to be a good guest. I never felt like I was good enough and always felt like a burden despite never being treated as such by these households. They treated me as family.

That continued as college ended going from couch to a full time live-in temp job to scrambling to find an apartment that I couldn't really afford when ppl couldn't put me up anymore. Applying to over a hundred jobs. Then landing an overpriced room in a precarious situation I was too naive at the time to navigate that also almost landed me on the street. When I reached out to my parents just for guidance on what I could do, they took it as me asking to move in with them (which i never asked for that i recall), said they couldn't help me, and that I'd have to sign up for the military if I was struggling (which was illegal at the time bc of the trans ban they clearly didn't care to know about despite knowing their son is trans) Anyway...

Idk what there was of me to be proud of. What did I do? What you told me to do? Is that what you're proud of? My submissiveness? Ruining my life for your opinion?

He also asked if I was happy. Happy? In this world? In this pandemic? I said I'm content bc at this point I didn't feel allowed to complain about anything but certainly couldn't lie. I wasn't allowed to feel vulnerable about what I'm facing every day. Someone always has it worse.

Well no shit someone always "has it worse", bc that's not a real standard. Am I not allowed to say it's hot out bc people in hell don't get snow cones?

Part of self care I've had to learn is that grace with yourself and taking yourself seriously. This is a very hard thing to do for some of us. Some of us will let ourselves get to a point where it's worse than had we dealt with it earlier on. Some of us struggle with knowing what it looks like to ask for help or where or how or even allowed to. Or even necessarily to know when we should.

I'm trying to balance the self care with trying not to be self-absorbed. I'm trying to still differentiate between the two as somewhere along the way I'd been taught they are the same when it comes to me but nobody else. I'm trying not to believe this whole post is self pity bc it's really just relaying the facts. I just can't help but imagine the shit being talked about me behind my back bc I know it happens.

Idk there's no real end to this and i should be more focused at work. I just needed to dump this off.

[gynoidwren]

do you identify as an autogynephile? genuine question. what that is to being trans is confusing for me. Angry denials some places, claims it doesn't exist, and anyone who says so should die... but then widespread agreement that it is a big part of transgirl's/women's life and celebration in other trans spaces. as for myself, I don't know.

If this is b/c of my blog title, that’s a joke, obvs. Chloe was talking about how I have a kind of fetishy thing for weird goth girls even though I also am one myself, and I joked that I’m an “autogothephile.”

But no, I mean, it’s not a real thing at all. Or rather, it is a specifically cruel and calculated way to separate trans people from their identity. This is changing recently but for so long p. much the only place trans women were culturally visible or acknowledged at all was in porn, and even now I think that’s probably the most prominent position we have and one of the most acceptable ways to view us (in part b/c it’s private, I’m sure, and there’s a sense that what you think about when you get off doesn’t have to connect to the rest of your life). Literally the first time I ever saw someone like me was them getting fucked in the ass. So of course for a lot of people our first sense of connection to that is via our sexuality. And particularly because of the extreme way that all women are sexually objectified in our culture it’s like v. easy to fixate on that when you feel connected to womanhood in a way you don’t yet understand. It’s hard to say you want to be a girl and at least marginally easier to say you want to get fucked like a girl. Most ways of being like a girl, being feminine in any way, are inherently sexualized, too. Autogynephilia is the medical gatekeeping arm of this idea, trying to say that if your sexuality is rooted in thinking about yourself as a girl that’s just a weird fetish that makes you a freak and not a real woman.

And so, yeah, it absolutely is a huge part of most trans women’s experiences, at least of my generation. It was a wall that a lot of us had to bump up against in the process of coming out, trying to ask ourselves if we really wanted to be or felt ourselves to be women or if it was just a sex thing. And you had to interrogate this about yourself because the only way to get hormones, and certainly the only way to get support and understanding from cis people was to articulate a v. specific kind of personal identity and narrative, usually specifically differentiating it from this. Even if you thought you might be trans, there was this blurred line that being trans in itself was kind of thought to be a sex thing by most people. And so a lot of this leads to the exact conclusion I read on a trans website when I was coming out, which is that you should only ever transition if you think you’ll kill yourself if you don’t. Which is, like…completely horrifying and terrible advice, but it was advice I followed. So most trans women my age have this specific experience of thinking about being a girl and masturbating, trying to hide it, dismissing it even as you start to realize it has this greater emotional impact on you.

And yeah, I think a lot of trans women are trying to reclaim or destigmatize this in our culture. They spend time talking about the trauma-rooted weirdness of their sexuality and the psychological contortions they went through being an egg, exactly because these are things that would be used to delegitimize their identity if they ever admitted to them, even though they’re things almost all of us did because that was the only expression of transness we had access to at the time.

So, like, I guess I kind of would identify that way in a joking sense? I mean, I had a girl’s sexuality even as a boy, centred around seeing myself as a girl. But like…that’s because I was one. So really we’re all autogynephiles (insert Dawkins t-shirt).

I don’t know. I’m sure that’s rambling and stupid and I know other ppl have explained it a lot better than me. But it’s just a weird outdated technical term used by transmisogynists to keep trans women in the closet, basically, so we all like to joke about it. I don’t know why you’re asking me this, of all people.

I guess if you’re asking because you’re asking yourself if you are one, I’d just say like, look: you’re trans. If you’re asking yourself that question you’re trans. But like, I can’t tell you what to do about that, that’s a more complicated question and I don’t know even know who you are, so…

[bi-asstronaut]

hi! a good friend of mine doesn't understand nb genders (especially the fluid ones & agender). she thinks nb ppl have a mental problem, bc as she sees it- gender is about deciding (between female/male), while nb is not deciding. in general she's very understanding and open, but I couldn't explain her (plus I'm cis and don't want to say something harmful). how would u answer the question of "why are nb genders are actual genders? why are they not a problem of making decisions?"

Hi Anon! Thanks for sending me this ask. I’m not an All-Knowing Expert on nb genders because I’m nb myself, since everyone experiences their gender differently, but I’ll do my best to answer your question.

It can be very difficult for non-nb people to understand what being nonbinary means or “feels like”, simply because they’ve never experienced gender outside the binary themselves, so I understand why your friend has a hard time seeing where we’re coming from. Nonbinary isn’t a disease or a mental illness, just like being binary trans (a trans man/woman) isn’t, and it’s also not about not making a decision. If anything, I think being a cis person has more to do with not making a decision than being nb does - Cis people are comfortable with the gender they were born as and don’t have to go through any of the processes nb people (and binary trans people as well in some cases) may have to; processes, which, to me, are filled with decisions. Am I really nb? Do I want to change my name? Do I want to alter my body in any way? How should I dress to best express who I am? Does dressing how I want to/expressing my gender have any consequences for me? etc. I hope that answers your question of why I think nb genders aren’t about not making decisions.

To understand why nb genders are actual genders, I think it’s important to understand that gender is largely a social construct. What many perceive as being something inherently “girly”, feminine, “boyish” or masculine is actually just… stuff. It’s just objects and concepts. A dress or a skirt is just a piece of fabric cut and sown in a certain way, but lots of people think it’s inappropriate for a man or a boy to wear because it’s “girly”. And to think that the notion that gender is determined by chromosomes can shut down any argument because it’s biology is actually wrongful and completely ignores… actual biology. For example, a quick google search gave me Klinefelter syndrome, a genetic mutation where a person is born with an extra X chromosome, so that their sex chromosomes are XXY. In rare cases, they can even have two or three extra Xs (XXXY or XXXXY). Physically, this shows as low levels of testosterone, which means less-developed “male” characteristics and more-developed “female” characteristics. An example that may seem even more out of this world are people who have a genetic mosaic, where they possess XX chromosomes in some cells and XY in others. How are we supposed to determine whether this person is male or female if we go by chromosomes alone? I think it’s much easier to just ask what the person feels like.

(Not to mention the fact that the biology argument completely erases the existence of intersex people, but I don’t know enough about this subject to speak about it.)

With that said, I think one of the keys to “unlocking” how someone can be nb is being able to differentiate between sex and gender. Typically, sex is defined as what’s going on with your body, while gender defines what goes on inside your head. That means that your body and your gender don’t have to match up whatsoever. Trans women are still women and trans men are still men if they identify as such, regardless of how their body looks. This also goes for nb people - We’re still nb, no matter what our physical characteristics may be and how we choose to dress.

I’d also like to point out that a large number of non-Western cultures recognise more than two genders and otherwise gender non-conforming people, but these genders are often intrinsically linked to that culture’s traditions and beliefs and should therefore not be used by people outside that culture. A relatively well-known example of such a gender is “two-spirit”, which is used by some indigenous North Americans to describe “certain people in their communities who fulfill a traditional third-gender ceremonial role in their cultures.” (Wikipedia) The fact that many non-Western cultures recognise and have recognised more than two genders for centuries should be a good indication that identifying as nonbinary isn’t a new thing made up by hipsters and teens who just want to be cool and different.

tl;dr:- gender is a social construct built on concepts and things that have come to be seen as “girly” (feminine) or “boyish” (masculine), but which have no inherent gender, such as clothing- sex/physical characteristics and gender are two different, separate things and they don’t have to match up- using chromosomes/biology as an argument against trans and nonbinary genders is wrongful and erases intersex people- more than two genders are recognised in many non-Western cultures

This got really lengthy, but I hope it answers your questions and questions your friend may have! If you want me to elaborate or answer another question, feel free to shoot me another ask.

And if there’s anything in my reply that’s offensive, wrong or could be worded better, please let me know.

Further reading and watching (I’m on mobile so I apologise for the ugly links):- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nlc8H4WUqEs (“Proof that there are more than two genders”, uploaded by Riley J. Dennis, a nonbinary person)

- https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLjIGlYSe6iDxaIAsFhQ7eLoYlo35JNAKy (“The ABC’s of LGBT+”, uploaded by Ash Hardell)

- For your friend about being genderfluid and agender specifically: http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Gender_Fluid (the definition of being genderfluid)

- https://www.google.dk/amp/s/www.teenvogue.com/story/what-is-agender/amp (a rather lengthy article that includes an agender person talking about what being agender means to them, a doctor who works with gender, pronoun usage, and other things) (I only skimmed it, but it seems respectful and good)