#I used to be online every day as kakashi and made a little friend group and reputation for myself in all any LMAO

[yappacadaver]

Does anyone wanna do town of Salem with me and match our names and do cringe shit pwease OwO

[pain-somnia]

Konoha TV Cryptid

Rating: T (for some language) Disclaimer Day’s Notes: I wrote a little one-shot based on a twitter thread started by @thatshipcat and I recommend reading it to see what inspired this one-shot, it’s pretty funny. This fic is Uchiha-centric and it has mentions of SasuSaku, SasoObi, KakaRin, and I guess it implies some ShiItaIzu. I hope this fic makes you laugh.

.

.

“Sasuke, turn off the television! Guests will be arriving soon.”

Sasuke did as his mother requested and powered off the television in the living room, but he didn’t move from his spot on the floor by the coffee table. A night of gaming had him forgetting to complete his homework assignment for his Civics class. He had only remembered about fifteen minutes ago when he was supposed to be dusting the living room and plumping the throw pillows as his mother had asked.

Every Sunday his mother hosted brunch and invited all of their relatives that lived in the area. Some of them were tolerable, like Izumi who wasn’t that close of a cousin━her mother, Hazuki, was his father’s like fourth cousin or something, he didn’t care for the details━but was somewhere in the family tree that had her sharing their family name. Then there was an older cousin, Obito, who unfortunately was a direct relation. He was clingy and babied him and just downright weird. Sasuke wished he would spend his Sundays with his friends or boyfriend, but Obito was always the first one to arrive, ready for a free meal.

Usually Sasuke would eat his meal and try to excuse himself as soon as possible, but today he had a reason to stay put in his seat at the dining table.

A cry of “Auntie Mikoto!” followed the loud bang of the front door that signaled Obito’s arrival.

“He’s buying us a new door one of these days, Mikoto,” Fugaku muttered as he helped bring in toast from the kitchen to the table.

“I don’t know how you do it, but you look more and more radiant each week, Auntie.” Obito presented Mikoto with a bouquet of pink carnations. She had a vase at the ready as he always brought her flowers whenever he came over to eat.

Sasuke attempted to sneak away, but he barely had his foot on the first step when Obito wrapped an arm around his neck and brought him in for a hug.

“Sasuke!”

“Too tight, you ape!” The more he struggled to be freed, the tighter Obito held onto him. “Get off of me.”

“You break my child and I’ll break your neck,” Fugaku warned. Obito instantly released Sasuke and backed a foot away from him. “Where’s Itachi? He was just here helping with the food.”

Itachi had made his escape earlier and Sasuke cursed his brother’s knack for saving himself and leaving Sasuke behind to deal with the adults cooing over him.

The doorbell rang, interrupting Sasuke’s thoughts about his traitor older brother. His father nodded his head toward the front door, sending him to answer it.

“Good morning, Uncle Madara.” Sasuke looked at his great uncle impassively and waited for the insult the elderly man was likely to dole out.

“Why is your voice doing that?” He asked, tossing Sasuke his trilby hat.

“It’s puberty, Uncle Madara.” Sasuke turned around to hide the rolling of his eyes. He stowed his uncle’s trilby hat and shoes in the front hall closet. “I can’t help it.”

“You sound like one of those rubber chicken toys.”

Sighing, Sasuke escorted his uncle to his seat at the table. The door opened again and was followed by hurried stomps up the staircase in the foyer. Shisui and Izumi had arrived and just like every Sunday they headed straight up to Itachi’s room.

“Hello, Uncle.” Mikoto wiped her hands on her apron and greeted her uncle with a hug and kisses on both sides of his cheeks. Madara gave his niece the closest thing he could muster to a smile. The corners of his mouth twitched up and then settled into a tight line at the sight of Obito carrying plates into the dining room.

“Are the mimosas ready?” Madara grunted, setting his cane against the table. He snapped his fingers and held a hand out. Obito rushed over to him with a champagne flute and the pitcher.

Mikoto ushered Sasuke up the stairs to get his brother and cousins. He took his time, shuffling his feet, wanting to drag out as much time as possible before he had to rejoin the adults in the dining room.

“Itachi?”

Sasuke rolled his eyes at the picture his brother and cousins made. The three of them were going over their character sheets and getting ready to start a campaign.

“You guys can play Dungeons and Dragons after we eat.”

The older teens organized everything, careful not to knock anything over as they collected themselves. Sasuke scanned the teens, something was off about the group.

Itachi was as he always looked. Silky hair, pin straight and tied in a neat low ponytail. Stress lines still prominent under his eyes behind his black rimmed glasses. Izumi was bright, dressed neatly like she always did for family events.

And then there was Shisui. His curly mop of hair was even more disheveled than usual and he had bags under his eyes. Sasuke looked down at Shisui’s clothes and took in their rumpled state, as if Shisui had slept in his jeans and t-shirt.

“Dork.” Shisi ruffled Sasuke’s hair as he shuffled past him. Sasuke slapped his hand away and narrowed his eyes at the taller of the three teens walking down the stairs.

“Rough night, Shisui?”

Shisui stiffened and slipped on a step. He caught himself on the banister. Sasuke crossed his arms in front of his chest and watched as Itachi and Izumi checked on their older friend.

Huh.

.

.

.

The brat knew.

Shisui took his seat right across from Madara, Sasuke, and Obito. The smallest Uchiha sat nestled between his great uncle and his older cousin and he kept staring at him. There was something about that blank look on his face that was unnerving.

“So how is school, Sasuke?” Obito asked cheerfully, reaching across the table for the pitcher of orange juice.

Shisui had wanted the juice as well, but the minors were stuck drinking water in order to successfully convince Madara that he was drinking a “mimosa.” He wasn’t allowed any alcohol at brunch anymore, but it was easier to pretend than convince him to lay off the sauce during family meals.

“He’s been studying a lot,” Itachi answered before Sasuke could tell their cousin to mind his own business. Under his breath he muttered, “At least he says they’re studying.”

Sasuke shot his brother a glare, his lower lip jutting out in a pout. He looked older than most kids his age, but he was still passably cute. But Shisui wasn’t going to let that fool him.

“Yeah,” Sasuke responded to his brother’s statement. “I was actually doing some homework before everyone came over. Watching the news.”

“It’s ‘I was watching the news’,” Madara hissed, as he cut his omelette. “Speak properly, boy.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes and continued to spread the diced tomatoes on top of his omelette. He couldn’t use ketchup like a normal kid, Auntie Mikoto had to prepare chopped tomatoes for him.

Spoiled brat.

Shisui narrowed his eyes at Sasuke, but tucked into his Eggs Benedict.

“Well, I was watching the news and they were reporting something weird. Something about televisions.”

Shisui coughed, choking on a piece of the English muffin. Itachi thumped lightly on his back, asking him softly he was okay.

“I’m fine,” Shisui coughed out, “it just went down the wrong pipe.”

“What was that about televisions, sweetie?” Auntie Mikoto asked, casting Shisui one last look of concern before shifting her attention to the youngest member of the family.

“Someone wearing a TV on his head dropped off a bunch of old TVs at different houses in the suburb near the college Obito and Shisui attend. It happened last—“

“Isn’t that just an Internet hoax?” Shisui interrupted him, chuckling nervously.

“Don’t interrupt,” Uncle Fugaku reprimanded him. “What were you saying, Sasuke?”

“You know they spoil him,” Itachi muttered under his breath. “Just let him finish his story.”

“Yeah, it happened last night. The person was caught waving at one of the doorbell cameras.”

“I wonder what kind of idiot would do that?” Shisui asked loudly, making a big show of serving himself some bacon and turkey sausage.

“Well I think it’s genius.” Obito munched happily on a poached egg. “You think it’s cool, right Sasuke?”

Obito beamed at Sasuke, desperate for approval. His fondness for his younger cousin was going to give them away and Shisui couldn’t have that.

“Hey can you pass the orange juice, Obito?” Shisui asked before Sasuke could open his mouth to say anything.

“Orange juice? I knew I couldn’t taste any champagne!” Uncle Madara was furious. He started accusing the adults of taking advantage of an old man’s trust while Mikoto tried to assure him that the pitcher held the ingredients for mimosas.

In the midst of the chaos, Uncle Fugaku walked out of the dining room muttering something about needing a stronger drink.

“It’s amazing that it got on the local news,” Obito carried on with the conversation. “I’ve already seen some of it online and there are a lot of people wondering about it, asking where the guy came from and if he━”

“Or she or they, you can’t assume,” Shisui cut him, no longer able to control his nervous laughter. “It’s just a person with a TV head and━”

“And overalls,” Sasuke interrupted him. He was looking straight at him, a blank look on his face. “The kind of overalls mechanics wear. Where do you work part-time again, Obito?”

“My friend Kakashi’s dad has an auto body shop remember?” Obito brightened up at the attention. Shisui cursed him mentally. Obito had no sense of self preservation.

“Interesting.” Sasuke nodded his head and turned his attention back to Shisui. “I have my own theories about the TV incident. There’s no way only one person could have dropped off sixty TVs in one night all by themselves. It had to be a group effort.”

“Sasuke has a girlfriend!” Shisui shouted. Uncle Fugaku who was joining them in the dining room again, choked on the brandy he had been drinking.

“Who is dating?” Uncle Fugaku, cheeks red from his coughing fit. He looked back and forth between Shisui and Sasuke, expecting one of them to answer. Auntie Mikoto was cooing in the background, squealing about her baby growing up.

“Really, asshole?” Sasuke glared at Shisui, ears turning pink in embarrassment.

“Language!” Auntie Mikoto snapped at him, no longer smiling.

Fugaku and Mikoto were scolding Sasuke, words being thrown back and forth on two different subjects. Obito slumped in his seat, pouting, now that they were no longer discussing the theatrics of the TV dumping person. Madara took advantage of the argument and snuck away from the dining room to search for real alcohol.

“You ever wonder why we even bother to show up for brunch?” Izumi asked Itachi. “They don’t even notice we’re here.”

Itachi only shrugged and served himself some orange juice now that they were no longer contributing to the mimosa charade.

.

.

.

After a long lecture and cleaning up the remains of brunch, Sasuke was sent to his room to finish up his homework assignment. He divided his time in looking up articles on what was now being called the Konoha TV Cryptid and messaging his friends.

Naruto kept sending jokes about the TV Cryptid in the groupchat and even though it wasn’t his intention, Naruto was surprisingly helpful.

Sakura: That’s your cousin isn’t it, Sasuke?

Naruto: Wait WHAT??

Sakura had cropped one of the pictures Naruto had sent and zoomed in to a blurry image of a logo on the overalls the person was wearing. It was really fuzzy but it was clear enough to see the important O and U of Obito’s first and last names under a blurry dog logo. It was all the evidence Sasuke needed to know that it was his cousin.

But Obito couldn’t have worked alone. It was a lot of houses and a lot of TVs and he would have had to have carried them all in some way. It had to be a car or a truck. But Obito, while he worked at a shop with his friend, didn’t have a license or a car of his own.

Sasuke narrowed down the possible candidates for Obito’s partner. It couldn’t be his boyfriend, Sasori, because there was no way he would do any of that and he was out of state. Kakashi, Obito’s best friend, would have kicked his ass for even suggesting the prank and Rin, Obito’s other best friend, couldn’t have helped because she would have been home with Kakashi and noticeably absent.

Not even Gai, another one of their friend group, was a likely candidate. There was no way he could keep it a secret, at least not from Kakashi.

Shisui was the one Sasuke suspected the most. He was attending the university near where the TVs were found and he had recently obtained his license after finally taking the driving test. The only issue with Sasuke’s suspicion was that Shisui didn’t own a car. But the outbursts during brunch gave Shisui away.

Knocking on his brother’s bedroom door, Sasuke opened the door and found the three older teens watching a slasher movie.

“Did you want to watch a movie with us, Sasuke?” Itachi asked, adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. He was sitting at the foot of his bed between Izumi’s legs while she braided his hair.

“No. I just needed to speak to Shisui. Alone.”

“That’s, uh, unprecedented.” Itachi blinked at his brother in confusion.

Shisui groaned from his spot on the bed next to Izumi but dragged his feet as he followed Sasuke back to his bedroom.

“Alright, what do you want?”

“I know the TV Cryptid is Obito.”

“The TV what?” Shisui gaped at him. “What the hell is that?”

“It’s what they’re calling Obito online.” Sasuke watched the color drain from Shisui’s face. “And I know you helped him.”

“You can’t prove that.”

“You know all I need to do is ask Obito and he’ll tell me everything.”

Sasuke knew he had him trapped there. Obito was annoyingly doting when it came to him. All he needed to do was spend enough time in his older cousin’s presence and Obito would tell him whatever he needed. Hell, if Sasuke brought over Sakura and Naruto, Obito would spill his secret even faster just so he could show off.

Shisui sighed in defeat. The sooner he gave in to Sasuke’s demands the better. “Alright, what do you want?”

“Sakura wants to see that movie that just came out on Friday.”

“Okay, what does━?”

“You’re going to take us and buy our tickets. And our popcorn and drinks. Sakura likes those candy rope things too.”

“Aha, so she is your girlfriend.”

Heat crawled up Sasuke’s neck. Shisui was wrong, Sakura wasn’t his girlfriend. Yes, she was a girl and she was a friend and yeah, she was kind of cute…

“Alright, whatever.” Shisui shrugged. “I wanted to see that movie anyway.”

“You can’t sit with us.”

“Right.” Shisui rolled his eyes. “Is that all of your demands?” He asked sarcastically.

Taking him seriously, Sasuke furrowed his brows and scrunched up his face as he contemplated. He let out a big sigh and said, “You gotta take Naruto out on a ramen date.”

“Ramen date?”

“Yeah, he has a weird crush on you. I don’t get it.”

“Watch it, brat.” Shisui had to hold back the urge to pull Sasuke into a headlock. “He knows I’m not single, right? And he’s a child.”

Sasuke shrugged and replied, “The kid can dream.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Uncle Madara’s truck is the only vehicle that could have carried all of those TVs and you’re not old enough to rent a truck and Obito who is old enough, doesn’t have a license.” Sasuke crossed his arms in front of his chest and shot Shisui a smug grin. “And Uncle Madara would kill you before letting you near his truck, so I’m sure he doesn’t know that you ‘borrowed’ it.”

“Shit.”

“I’ll text you later with the date and time for the movie and your date with Naruto.” Sasuke opened his bedroom door and jerked his head in the direction of the hallway. “Now leave. I have calls to make.”

Shisui left as asked, completely bemused about what had just happened. He made his way back to Itachi’s room and sat back on his usual spot.

“What did Sasuke want?” Itachi asked, not bothering to look away from the TV.

Shisui groaned and threw himself backward onto Itachi’s bed.

“Your brother is the devil.”