#I update one of my coworkers everyday and she can’t wait for him to get beheaded

[theridgebeyond]

I got really upset reading Wolf Hall bc I was actually starting to like Thomas Cromwell but then I watched the show and realized that he was crushing on a girl half his age the whole time. So. All is well again. ☺️

[avoid-avoidance]

another comment compilation! shoutout to @eclipsedmoon87 a.k.a. @midnightchronicles87 for being incredibly gracious about my barging in and vomiting this entertaining, but only tangentially-related, nonsense all over their excellent TFA Blitzwing edit post (check it out, it's a little unnerving perhaps but very cool!).

Behold the consequences of encouraging me... 😂

Some minor edits from the original comments, fixing my own typos.

avoid-avoidance: This looks SO cool. So weird. But SO COOL.

I would venture to say it’s not *quite* cursed territory. True Cursed™ would be if you did this to the Random face lmao

a-a: Also big lol to the notes saying they got jumpscared by this — now I’m imagining Random pestering Hothead in their shared headspace until he agrees to walk up behind various Decepticons, quietly remove his visor, and wait for them to turn around and double-take.

a-a: Megatron: gives an almost-invisible twitch of surprise but otherwise manages to carry on admirably as though nothing is different

Blackarachnia: 100% unfazed as opposed to Megatron’s 98% unfazed — she’s just like, two eyes huh? Is that supposed to impress me? I still have more than you.

a-a: Starscream: lets out a tiny audible shriek and then FURIOUSLY denies he did any such thing.

Lugnut: does not audibly react, but is physically startled enough that his pedes actually leave the floor — he can’t really deny he reacted because the THUMP when he landed was very clear

@sztefa001: STILL HAVE MORE THAN YOU xD xD xD

a-a: bonus: he also tried this on Professor Sumdac while Sumdac was the ‘Cons’ prisoner. Sumdac did appear surprised, and then stammered something sort of awkward like ‘oh you *do* have eyes — I mean optics — under there… they‘re, uh, very nice?’. which is the first time Hothead’s ever been complimented on his optics, and he tries not to feel kind of warmed at the squishy’s offhand comment but doesn’t really succeed.

a-a: eyy what’s the use of being a traumatized accidental techno organic if you can’t use that to win absolutely petty and pointless arguments with your coworkers?

s: Awww xD

a-a: of course, Icy would argue that Blitzwing as a whole actually has *six* optics to BA‘s 4; Blackarachnia would counter that some of those hardly even count, and plus since her alt mode also has eyes she technically has more than 4; Hothead yells back that THOSE don’t count…

a-a: Random interjects that they’re both trying to compare apples and eyes anyway, or is it oranges and optics?…

a-a: The one time they both get caught up in the ridiculous argument enough to try and solicit a third party opinion, Megatron has the great misfortune to be walking by. After having the question explained to him, he gives both his officers a long blank stare, then just walks out of sight without a word. A moment later, a faint thunking can be heard, like the sound of a helmeted head impacting a wall.

midnightchronicles87: I love EVERYTHING about this, thank you for the story in my notes

a-a: haha you’re welcome! glad you don’t mind my spontaneous rambling

m: Of course I don't mind!! Nothing I've made's ever gotten this much attention before, I love it

a-a: it is my personal opinion that many TF continuities could benefit from a Soap Opera Of The Decepticons’ Everyday Lives treatment lol

m: That is an objectively correct opinion

m: If any of you want me to make more, send me some decent quality screenshots of Hothead you want me to de-visor, and I might make a fourth update to this post

m: Oh, also what expression you want, otherwise I'm doing whatever I think fits

a-a: ooh there might be moooore? 👀

a-a: they’re objectively awesome edits, if I hadn’t seen the show I wouldn’t know that wasn’t just what Blitzwing normally looks like

a-a: I’m not sure I’d know where to look to find good quality screenshots tbh… but I do think it’s hilarious to ponder Blitzwing pranking everyone by swapping his personalities around so they don’t match his faces, to freak people out. Like can you imagine what Random-face with an Icy-expression would look like, or Icy with Random-expression? (And Random with Hothead-expression = just pure nightmare fuel.)

m: OH. I like you

a-a: I mean, once everyone Blitzwing knows gets so used to him that Random’s randomness isn’t surprising anymore, I figure he’d HAVE to do *something* to up his game, right?

a-a: Random would’ve loved a certain subset of Internet culture at a particular past point I can think of…

“I made you an energon goodie… but I eated it >.<”

a-a: (as a bit of a side note, I also hold the belief that with TFA Megatron being one of the smarter, more practical Megatrons, it is funny as heck that he’s saddled with TFA Blitzwing in particular as one of his top officers.)

a-a: (reblog of original TFA Blitzwing edits post, with his ‘Hothead’ face modified to have two optics instead of a single optic band. The third image has Blitzwing wearing a skeptical expression.)

He is Pressing X To Doubt 😂

#transformers #blitzwing #also his eyeliner game is on point #mayhaps this is another fan of that well-known Cybertronian musician Gearhard Wave? #it is so neat how just the contrast between a visor and separate optics shows such different vibes #also it is sorta hilarious that despite this being the AngryFace™ #none of these edits so far are angry expressions #screenshots from a timeline where TFA got as many seasons as Supernatural #these are from a multi-episode arc where Bumblebee managed to steal Blitzwing’s visor in battle via Shenanigans #so while Blitzwing’s coworkers are having minor crises #“We didn’t even realize your red face HAD optics under there?!” #Bee is just roaming Detroit like usual but wearing a comically oversized red visor as a trophy

m: @avoid-avoidance your additions to this post keep getting better and better

a-a: ☺️

a-a: what can I say, these edits are inspirational 😂

a-a: Starscream gives a disdainful laugh. “Well, who’d have thought Blitzwing of all people would have hidden depths! What next, our fearless leader confessing that ugly head of his is actually a helmet that comes off??”

Lugnut opens his mouth but Megatron discreetly elbows him and makes a “shut up” gesture. One revelation at a time is probably all his High Command can handle..

m: XD this thread just gets better and better, and quickly ages like wine

a-a: right?!?? not bad at all, considering it’s about a side villain in a series that’s been discontinued for like a decade!

a-a: now that’s it’s occurred to me, the idea that Starscream has been one of Megatron’s key officers for ages, but somehow *no one* has ever clued him in that Megs’ helmet comes off, is cracking me up

m: Same

a-a: maybe Megatron is holding that knowledge in reserve, in case of a specific situation where a Starscream™ assassination attempt *almost* succeeds and Megs is forced to part with his helmet to escape, like a lizard’s tail coming off

m: Leaving Starscream shook for at least a megacycle

a-a: He would absolutely be torn between “At least I took a piece off of that bastard this time!” and “ WTF WTF WTF”

m: It makes me so happy that my quest to see what Hothead would look like without his visor led to this

a-a: fandom spitballing/brainstorming/crack-AU-ing like this probably makes up the biggest slice of my personal fandom-participation-pie, just in general. it’s a little addictive

a-a: ooh, if Hothead’s visor has built-in filters of some kind (e.g. tagging specific Autobots and Decepticons with notes/data, supposedly for tactical purposes?), which still function when someone other than Blitzwing is wearing it, then Bee stealing and putting on the visor could spawn all sorts of interesting plot lines

m: Oooo I like where this is heading

a-a: I’m glad you seem to have an idea where this is going bc tbh I don’t! 😆 From there it could go shippy or not, Looney-Tunes platonic wacky, or I guess there’s probably a way to make it angsty although that’s not as much my specialty…

a-a: the absolute most crack-filled idea that’s coming to mind might be (and this is definitely AU since I think there is canon backstory of some kind re: how Blitzwing became a triple?) if the visor is like… secretly a magical artifact of Primus that bestows an extra alt mode upon its wearer. so Bee steals the visor and slaps it on his face just to be a taunty little shit, and then suddenly Blitzwing is no longer a triplechanger and Bumblebee IS.

a-a: Bumblebee: *suddenly gains an additional flight-capable alt mode*

Every Autobot AND Decepticon on Earth, simultaneously: *suddenly gains a feeling of horrible creeping dread, as if They Are All Doomed*

m: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

a-a: (and there’s definitely a Bee Movie script meme joke to be made somewhere in here about bees not being scientifically able to fly but flying anyway 🤣)

a-a: and to continue the cracky “war? what war?” vibe, the Decepticons see this cocky young newbie flyer stumbling about in the air, and instead of laughing and shooting him down, they go “ohhhh… it is A Baby…” and try to adopt a Very Not Keen On Being Adopted newly-triple’d Bee

m: EVEN BETTER

a-a: Bee is like NO NO NO NONE OF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE MY DAD OPTIMUS IS ALREADY MY DAD— wait crap did I say that out loud oh noooo—

Optimus: whut

m: I'm grabbing popcorn this is amazing

a-a: hmmm, what other weird funny things can fit in this AU… let’s say Megatron and Starscream are chasing Bee around the skies while also fighting each other over who would make a better mentor for what they’re convinced is the next baby Decepticon-in-training. Meanwhile, Blitzwing (not used to being one instead of three and handling it Badly)…

a-a: … talks himself into believing that now he’s no longer a triple, Megs will discard him like trash at best or execute him as a liability at worst (and to be fair canon Megs probably would). So while Bee is basically a hostage of the ‘Cons, single-faced Blitzwing flees to the *Autobots* for sanctuary, and poor Ratchet ends up volunteered by Optimus to be Blitzwing’s new therapist despite loudly claiming to be Not Qualified For That in at least 3 different ways

a-a: “Dammit, Optimus, I’m a field medic, not a psychiatrist!” /briefly channels Bones from TOS Star Trek

a-a: Sari is missing her best friend Bee very much, and despite the other four Team Prime members trying to keep her as far from Blitzwing as possible — “No such thing as a reformed ‘Con, he’s DANGEROUS” Ratchet grumps…

a-a: …Sari keeps sneaking past them to try and befriend Blitzwing, first because she wants the single-jet-alt to take her up flying to go find Bee, and then because she can’t help but feel sorry for him, he’s so distressed and obviously lonely after being three in one head for so long.

a-a: Honestly, Bumblebee’s youthful mischief and recklessness/carelessness could plausibly be misconstrued as Decepticon tendencies ready to be nurtured into full-fledged Decepticon-ness by a biased eye. That plus Megatron’s endorsement would have Lugnut on board the recruitment train for sure.

a-a: And at some point Megatron and Shockwave communicate to swap status updates, and Shockwave — who remembers from being Longarm that Bumblebee has a good Autobot-y heart under the brashness — is just like “… you’re trying to recruit WHO? Wait, since when can that little yellow Autobot FLY? What is going ON over there?!”

[justahopelessssromantic]

Gone

A/N: Happy Thanksgiving 😊 I hope you all have a great and safe day no matter how you are celebrating ♥️

As always thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoy

Request: @beardburnsupersoldiers Okay so first I have to say I love love love the way you write Angel! I am so happy I found your blog as fan fiction for him doesn’t seem as easy to find! Also, if you are currently taking requests I was wondering if you could do one with Daddy Angel where reader is being stalked/kidnapped and how he balances getting her back with helping his children through her absence?

Thank you so much for the request! And for your kind words ❤ I'm so happy you found my blog as well! I hope you enjoy and are doing well

Warnings: Angst

Word Count: 1,694

*gif not mine*

Angel sat at your dining room table staring at your empty chair across from him. You should be there. You should be looking back at him with that breathtaking smile of yours as you listened to each of your children tell the two of you about their day over your meal. You'd be engaged with them picking up every detail and at the same time be fully connected to Angel making him feel just as seen even without any words. 

You were always good with that, being able to make everyone feel seen and most importantly loved. 

You should be here enjoying another dinner with him, with your family like every other night. But no you weren't here and Angel was by himself at your empty table. 

How could he have not known? How could you have not said anything? How could he have let this happen? These were the thoughts that kept plaguing his mind.

Today began like every other day. The two of you woke up, late as usual, rushed to get the kids fed and ready for school, finally got everyone out and in the car only to have to go back in for something they forgot before you two finally parted for the day with the promise of seeing each other again later that night. Angel took off for work and you headed the other way with the kids to drop them off at school and go to work yourself. 

It was just an average day in your life or so you both thought. 

Angel stared down at the photos on the table in front of him, photos of you. Creepy, disturbing photos of your everyday life, going to work, picking up the mail, walking the dog. The photos made Angel’s stomach churn. Your coworker Amanda gave them to Angel just a few hours ago hoping they would help in any way. She told Angel you began receiving them weeks ago. You brushed them off, tossing them. You didn’t want Angel to worry. 

You should have told him. He should have been worried.

Now you were gone, someone had grabbed you on your way to your vehicle after work.  

Angel ran his hand over his face. He was exhausted and his head was pounding. He wanted to cry, to scream, to lash out at anyone around him but he couldn’t. 

Felipe walked in behind his eldest son. His heart broke as he saw how defeated he was. He gave Angel a firm squeeze on his shoulder before sitting down next to him. Angel may not want to hear what he had to say but he had to say it. “I know how much pain you’re in mijo.” He spoke, getting Angel to remove his hand and look at him. “I know you want her back, you want vengeance but none of that matters right now. You have to stay level headed, strong, for them.” Felipe motioned over to your three kids in the next room watching Finding Nemo. “They need you to be strong.” 

Angel watched his kids for a moment. Diego, your oldest, sat in the middle of the couch while your youngest Camilla, Angel’s princesa sucked on her thumb leaning on her brother for support as she was mesmerized by the pictures playing before them. Rosa, your middle child sat on the other side of Camilla more interested in her game boy than the movie as you showed her tio EZ how to play.

They were oblivious to the horror their father was facing. 

“They need her.” Angel kept his gaze on them a moment longer. You were the rock in your family. Angel couldn’t do this without you. He needed you. “I need her.” 

Felipe wanted to have hope that you would be found safely but he knew the dangers this life brought, he knew the dangers of the situation. “You may be all they have now Angel.” 

“What the fuck are you trying to say?” Angel turned to his father. 

"I'm just trying to keep you from making the same mistakes I did Angel." Felipe explained. After their mother passed he was never the same and certainly not there for his sons like he should have been. His boys were older, adults then which helped but was no excuse. 

"Don't talk like she ain't coming back." Angel warned. “She is coming back home to us. She has too.” He didn’t even want to think about what his father was suggesting. There was no way he was losing you. 

EZ cleared his throat as he now stood in the entryway with Camilla in his arms and Rosa holding his hand, Diego right behind him. “I’m going to order a pizza. Everyone is getting a little hungry.”

“Is mom not coming back?” Rosa asked. Her eyes bore into Angel’s searching for answers he didn’t have. All they knew was that you were staying with your sister tonight to help her pack for her move. 

“Come here.” Angel held his hands out instructing her to come sit in his lap. EZ passed Camilla to Felipe exchanging her for the pictures so the kids wouldn’t see. “Of course mom is coming back.” He looked at each of them seeing a little piece of you. Camilla had your nose, Diego your eyes, and Rosa was the spitting image you. “She’s just helping auntie out, she’ll be back before you know it.” 

He made that promise to them even knowing it might not be true. It was what they needed to hear and right now he had to do what he’d wished someone would for him. To hold them comforting them with the promise that everything would be alright. 

—————————————————

Angel finally got your kids bathed and in bed. It was definitely much harder without your help but he did it and he was proud of himself. He thought you would be too. None of them wanted to sleep in their own beds without you home so the three of them were snuggled up in your grand king bed. 

Felipe was still here just in case Angel got a call. Having him in just the other room brought some comfort to him. EZ had taken the photos with him excusing himself after the pizza arrived to help in the search for you. If anyone would notice anything crucial to your safe home coming he knew it would be his brother. 

Angel sat in your reading chair with your favorite blanket across his lap as he watched your kids. He had his gun on the dresser next to him just in case and his phone in hand waiting for any updates. He hated not being out there looking for you but he also knew you would want him to stay with the kids and he trusted his brothers would leave no rock unturned in their search for you. They loved you just as much as him, there were no other people in the world he’d entrust your life and safety with. 

He wasn’t sure when it was but at some point he must have dozed off. He was awoken by the buzzing of his phone now on the hardwood floor of your bedroom. He shot up checking his surroundings and on the kids first to make sure they were still in bed before grabbing his cell. He fumbled with the device a moment cursing until he finally got it answered. 

“Did you find her?” He asked. His stomach was in knots as he prepared for the worst. He was trying to remain positive but that could only do so much.

He hated not feeling in control.

“We got her. She’s safe, Angel.” EZ said on the other end. “She wants to talk to you.”

Angel stood up quickly but quietly , exiting the bedroom before closing the door gently behind him. He was overwhelmed with emotion as the news rushed through him. He slid down the door settling down on the ground before his legs had the chance to give up on him.

“Hey baby.” Hearing your voice was what truly caused him to break.

“Hey, mi amor.” Angel managed through a sob, the tears flowed fully and unapologetically now. He had never been so happy to hear your voice in his life. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.” You reassured him. “We’re on our way home now. How are our kids?” 

“Good but they’ve missed you. I miss you.” His voice was defeated. “Don’t ever pull this shit again. You come to me, okay? We can’t do this without you.”

Now it was your turn to break. The only thing you could think about the whole time you were gone was Angel and your family, of how the only thing you wanted was just to see them once more, to just have a little more time with them. “Okay, I promise Angel.” 

Angel rested his head back against the door. He couldn’t trust his own voice to say much but he needed to say this. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

———————————————

That next morning the table was set with your plates full of pancakes you and Angel had made for breakfast. You spent all your time being back home in Angel’s lap watching the kids sleep together. Neither one of you could sleep so once dawn approached you decided to make breakfast together, something the two of you hadn’t done in a while. 

Angel sat across from you at the table never taking his eyes off you. He watched you as you listened to the kids tell you about their night with Felipe and Daddy. You smiled engaging with each of them, laughing at their little jokes. For just a second you looked up back at Angel and your smile only grew. You gave him a look telling him you were proud of him, that he did an excellent job and that you loved him so much. 

You saw him even when he would feel unseen. 

All was right in his world once more and in that moment he vowed to himself that he would never let anything happen to you again. 

Tagging: @jad3djay @fairygardenss @carlaangel86 @starrynite7114 @gemini0410 @knowles-morgan @everyhowlmarksthedead @ktiz90 @brothersofmayhem @vsfavs @scuzmunkie @chibsytelford @sadeyesgf @blessedboo @multiyfandomgirl40 @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @toni9 @mayans-sauce @briana-mishell24 @langiinspirations

[potassium-pilot]

Prompt 20: Petrichor

I’m in over my head, he thought, I know nothing of the Convocation other than what I learned in school; my creations seem so minimal compared to the Emet-Selch; they’re all taller than I am- I know height has nothing to do with it, but it’s still intimidating. Am I truly worthy of the seat of Elidibus? Am I really the Emissary?

“Do you smell that, young Elidibus?”

He turned his head behind him and noticed a woman. One of the members of the Convocation he met, but which one?

“Y-you’re…the Azem, is that correct?”

“I am, just like you are the brand new Elidibus. Now, do you smell that?”

Elidibus stared down at his lunch that he chose to eat outside on the steps at the back of the Bureau. “Oh…if the scent of my lunch offends, I apologize…”

“Your lunch neither offends my senses, nor is it what I’m referring to, Elidibus. We’ve had a dry period for some time, have we not?”

The weather was far from his mind, but he answered, “Yes, I…think so. Why?” Azem sat down next to the young one and replied with yet another question, “Have you ever noticed that scent that comes before rain after it hasn’t rained for so long?”

Why is she asking me this, he thought. Is this a test? “Uh…no, not really.”

“Hm. You should, young one. One of the gods put in quite a bit of work into making the rain as pleasant as possible. It adds a spice to life to notice the small things.”

He gathered a strange first impression of the Azem, but decided to take a whiff of the air, try to gather what she means. To his surprise, there was indeed a difference. “It’s…sort of earthy…”

“You’re right. It’s a pleasant smell to me, although some have their preferences.”

Elidibus took a moment and asked, “Is this some advice for how to deal with the Convocation?” Azem chuckled with her mouth closed, then responded, “No, friend, I’m just making conversation. You seemed so nervous in there.” Never had he felt more grateful for his red mask as he blushed at the thought that someone would notice such a thing. “The first day is odd, isn’t it?” she asked him.

“I don’t know about odd…but I must admit, I feel a bit…” he didn’t want to finish, but the phrase he was avoiding was ‘out of place”.

“Wanna know a secret about the Emet-Selch?”

That piqued his curiosity. “Uh…will that be all right?”

“Sure, so long as you keep it between the three of us.” Elidibus nodded at the agreement. He watched a wry smile form on the Convocation member’s face. “He’s a sucker for strawberry candy, and he bugs me to bring some home every time I leave Amaurot on my missions.”

His eyes widened at the thought. “Really?” She nodded. “He’ll deny it, but he’s obsessed with it.” Elidibus made a thoughtful hum. “Now what do you like?”

“Me?” he pointed to himself.

“Is there someone else here?”

“N-no…I…” he felt confused as to why she would care, making him hesitate. “I…I like that one concept, that card game…”

“Ah, you’re a gambling man. I see… you and I will need to play one night. I’ll show you some of the cheap tactics I picked up on my travels. You can help me clean out my friend, Hythlodaeus.”

The young man smiled. “What of you, Azem?” She smiled back. “I love to dance. When the Emet-Selch, Hythlodaeus and I go to the park, Hythlodaeus always takes me to see the musicians nearby, and I drag him into dancing when the Emet-Selch inevitably runs to avoid it. There’s another secret for you to keep.” Elidibus chuckled slightly.

“Ah, finally, a laugh.”

“S-sorry…”

“Nothing to be sorry for; I just like knowing that you’re capable of letting loose for a bit.”

He nodded. There was a moment of silence before he asked her, “Azem, is there anything I should know about the Convocation?”

“That we’re all flying by the seat of our pants.”

He stammered at that remark. “I-I beg your pardon?”

“My young friend, confidence is key to being a member of the Convocation. Quite frankly, there’s something new everyday, and it’s impossible to create a real standard for how we handle things. We have our protocol, but as much as they complain about me skirting it, they have also conveniently avoided protocol themselves.”

“But-but we’re supposed to lead our people, keep our society thriving…”

“If that’s how you keep looking at it, you’ll be that nervous every single day for the rest of your tenure.”

He blinked.

“Yes, we’re leaders, and we do, in fact, lead, but there’s no trick to being a Convocation member. There is simply being one. Bring ideas to the floor, engage in debate, do your reports and other paperwork, and go home. You’ll feel much more fulfilled at the end of the day if you remove the unnecessary pressure.”

He contemplated her words.

“The next time we go to the floor, I have an idea about revamping the concept submission process, make it more streamlined for easier processing. Could I…ask for your support, Azem?”

She pretended to ponder, then told him, “Tell you what; I’ll support it…if you can beat me at a game of cards.”

“What?!” he exclaimed in disbelief.

“Those are my terms. Do you accept them?”

“Is that…that can’t be protocol!”

“It’s not, but I should tell you how the Lahabrea got me to support his idea to reconstruct the Akadaemia Anyder.”

BOOM

The thunderclap roared over the Bureau of the Architect, and the rain slowly followed suit.

“Seems like a good time to play in my office, don’t you think?”

He still felt befuddled by the idea that any one of the Convocation of Fourteen should be anything close to him. That they were anything like him felt foreign. They’re leaders of Amaurot, creation masters; how could they be as clueless as the Azem claims them to be?

“Or would you prefer to sit alone in the rain? Because I will be returning inside to listen and watch it from the comfort of my dry and warm office with my meal. I would be pleased for the company, but I will leave that decision to you, young Elidibus.”

She stood up and as she said she would, she turned around and walked inside the Bureau. Elidibus sat there for a moment, realizing just how little he liked to get wet, but still wasn’t sure what to think. Finally, he rose from the stairs himself, and opened the door to return inside himself.

He walked down the halls to locate her office, passing each door, trying to see if there were any that he could peek through, but many were closed. Lahabrea…Igeyorhm…Nabriales…Emet-Selch… and last, but not least, Azem, the only open door. Before young Elidibus could enter, he heard a voice behind him.

“Ah, good afternoon, Elidibus. Were you hoping to speak with me?”

Emet-Selch approached him from behind. Elidibus turned to meet his gaze, despite being hidden behind a white mask, and answered, “Oh, no sir. I was hoping to speak with Azem. She invited me to lunch in her office.”

“Did she now?” he asked with a hint of curiosity in his voice. He took his shoulder and told him, “Come.” The two entered her office together, the Emet-Selch clearing his throat to get her attention. It worked, but she didn’t pry her gaze from the window.

“Hades, use your words”, she teased.

“Helios, are you corrupting this young man?”

That got her attention enough to turn around. Indeed, the young Elidibus stood at his side, a shoulder in the Emet-Selch’s right hand. “He informed me you asked him to lunch with you in here.”

“Oh, Hades, there’s nothing to corrupt. He’s quite stalwart for someone so young.”

“What has she told you, young man?” Before he could answer, she piped in with a teasing, “Nothing of import. Certainly not about how you beg me for strawberry candy when I leave the city.” Hades gasped and stumbled his words, “I-you-guh-I most certainly do not!”

“Uh-huh” she taunted, “Nor how you try to bring home near every stray cat you meet.”

“I would never bring such a pest into our home!”

“Right, now what will you tell Locus when we get home? She’ll be just the saddest cat we’ve ever had.”

He growled, shot his gaze to Elidibus and told him, “Everything she tells you is an absolute lie.”

“Only when it’s convenient for me to be telling the truth will he say I’m telling it, or so I’ve noticed.”

“Helios, you’re impossible!”

“I love you too. Now you better not have eaten lunch without me. I’ll excuse dear Elidibus here, but you?”

“I would never. Come, Elidibus, take a seat.” The young man nodded and took one of two seats in front of Azem’s desk.

“Um, Azem, when did you want to play that card game?” Elidibus asked meekly.

“Ah!” She pulled out a deck of cards and answered, “I’d like to finish my meal, then we can get started.”

“You’re not teaching him that ridiculous card game.”

Helios shook her head at her beloved, “I don’t have to. Why, he told me himself he loves card games.”

“Do you?” Emet-Selch asked the new member incredulously. “Uh, yes, sir, I do.” Realizing how this could be taken, he blurted out, “I-I don’t usually play it when I’m working, but-but I was asked to play with her for a work reason.”

“Oh dear…” Emet-Selch rubbed his temples and asked, “I think I know what she’s doing. All right, young one, what did you want to bring to the floor?”

Something within him sparked. That such a powerful creator could possibly listen to someone like him made him feel so honored. “Well, sir, if I may, there’s been many complaints about the process for submitting a concept, and I had an idea for how to streamline it, make it easier for employees to process submissions, and if you’ll hear me out, I think we can make it work”, Elidibus rambled excitedly.

“Hm”, Emet-Selch thoughtfully hummed, “You are correct that many do have trouble with their concepts being input. Long wait lines, a filing system that needs updating…not a bad idea.” He turned his head towards Azem and asked, “But why are you making him play cards for this?”

“I need to see him play now that he’s told me he likes this game. Besides, he may have your support, but I still have my terms.”

“Such are the dealings of our Azem; you truly wish her to be your role model, young man?”

“Role model? I’m simply his coworker.”

“Well, I’m glad you would deny the mantle. It might be better for someone who actually performs his duties to teach him the ropes.”

“Ha! I do my job well, thank you. It’s just not pencil-pushing.”

Emet-Selch shook his head. “Whatever will we do with you?”

“The better one is ‘what will you do without me?’”

“Work, probably.”

She scoffed at him, and told Elidibus, “I’m ready for that game now.”

“Deal me in as well.”

“My stars, Hades- you would play cards at work?”

“We’re not exactly working now, are we?”

A smile formed on her lips as she shuffled the deck. “Not quite. Don’t worry about him, Elidibus, it’s just me you’ll need to beat, not that it’s hard to beat our Emet-Selch at cards.”

“Hmph, slander, my love.”

The three played a good round. Azem gave him a run for his money, but he ultimately succeeded in the end, and received her full support for his proposal. Not that it mattered; she would have supported him anyways, but she enjoyed seeing the young man go from the nervous wreck he started his day as to a more relaxed version of himself, one that realized he was among peers, and not masters.

“There, he won. Are you happy, Helios?” Hades asked annoyedly.

“Quite. Thank you for a good game, my young friend” Azem complimented.

“Now come, Elidibus; it’ll be better for us to discuss this without her influence.” Hades stood up and walked out of her office to go next door. Elidibus stood up, ready to follow him as he requested, but then stopped. Without turning around, he asked her, “Would it be all right if I came back to eat with you tomorrow?”

She grinned. “My friend, anytime I’m in Amaurot, you’re more than welcome here. I’d rather you here than outside in the rain.”

He smiled and said, “Thank you.” Elidibus walked out of her office and moved himself from her office to the Emet-Selch’s.

The day went by without much clamor, then Elidibus gathered his things and left the office for the day. As he walked outside, the humidity left from the rain slicked his skin. It felt sticky, not his favorite sensation. Then he remembered the conversation from his lunch with Azem.

He took a deep breath, and embraced the earthy scent that blessed the city of Amaurot.

[spookyboywhump]

Previous Parts

Tag List:  @constellationwhump, @what-a-whumpy-world, @faewhump, @inky-whump, @slaintetowhump, @sodapigeon, @justwhumpitwhumpitgood, @insanitywishes   Let me know if I missed you or if you want to be added!

 Okay so. I’m sorry for the lack of whump these couple of parts, but since I have a story going here story stuff is necessary. Not tagging this one as whump either, instead we get a look at what’s up with Wren’s coworkers, and why Zander is in this hell. So, three new characters and some backstory, which I didn’t go too into detail with specifically because I want to write some detailed whumpy stuff for Zander’s early years here. I promise things will pick up next part UwU

***

 Cara stared tiredly at the screen in front of her, eyes focused on the blinking red dot that they had been watching for days now. Someone always had to be watching, in case anything changed, and thus far his location had only changed a few times, always coming back to the same place though.

 The tracker on his phone had died at the first location, they already had people sent to look into that place. From there they figured out he was being kept at the Whitaker estate, none of them even knew people still lived there until now. It would be impossible to get into that place- they’d already checked the security on it- so they focused on the third location. Today marked the third time he’d gone there and back and it was driving her crazy that they didn’t know what was happening. She had tried going there but couldn’t find anything worthwhile, that part of the city was near abandoned so there wasn’t a whole lot to see.

 She wasn’t just watching his location though, the microchip in his arm was giving more information than that. It was a bit of experimental tech, something new from their technology department. Elias had been the perfect guinea pig for it since he was going on this assignment, and he didn’t seem to mind the risks too much. It gave his location like any decent tracker would, but it also monitored his heart rate and other important vitals. They’d been making notes every time his heart rate seemed to jump. They’d made a lot of notes. 

 She’d been worried about him since he volunteered for this mission, they all thought it was a bad idea. Elias wasn’t weak or helpless, but he was more sensitive than other volunteers, he’d be more at risk than the other volunteers. He was adamant about doing it though, insisted he had to “know for himself” what happened. He didn’t go into detail, but she had a feeling it was somehow personal to him. She’d never admit it to him but she had desperately hoped and prayed he wouldn’t be chosen, but ultimately their boss decided it was best. Unlike other volunteers, Elias didn’t have a family at home to worry about, they wouldn’t have to explain anything away if he went missing, and Cara and the others were just supposed to be okay with it.

 Needless to say, they weren’t. In between monitoring him, doing their own jobs, and pleading with their boss to give permission to do something, they’d been worrying themselves sick just thinking about what he was going through. They’d all heard horror stories, it had been a rumor forever now, and it was hard not to get lost thinking about all the horrible possibilities. 

 “Want me to take over?” She jumped when she heard his voice, looking up to see Alec standing beside the desk. “You’ve been here all day, isn’t Lila worried?” He asked. He looked just as tired as she felt but she was ready to take up his offer.

 “She’s probably too busy sleeping to be worried.” She sighed, getting up from her chair and stretching her arms above her head. She couldn’t help but be jealous, thinking of her girlfriend at home getting some well needed sleep. She’d taken over for her early that morning, insisting she get some rest. She’d monitor while Alec looked into the other victims they were finding, and eventually Lila would come back to fill one of their places so the other could rest. They needed more people on this assignment, but everyone else was completely booked with their own assignments, so they’d just have to work on little sleep a lot of coffee. 

 “Anything new?” He asked as he sat down, taking a look at her notes.

 “He went back to the third location earlier this morning, was there for almost an hour. His pulse and blood pressure jumped again, calmed down for a little bit, and went back up again.” She groaned, pushing her hair back with her hands. “It’s killing me! Something horrible is definitely happening and what are we doing here?! Nothing!”

 “We’re doing what we’re told.” He sighed. “Of course, what we’re told is be useless and sit here until shit gets serious, but it’s going to be hard to tell how serious until he’s, you know, bleeding out or something.” 

 “You’re not good at all at being comforting, you know that?” 

 “You’ve told me everyday since he left.” He said, turning to face her. “We don’t need to worry too much, I mean, he’s alive, we’ll know if something happens.”

 “I don’t want to wait until something happens though. I want to at least see him, just get an idea of how he’s doing. Especially if he isn’t doing well, that should give us enough reason to be able to get him out of there!” She was pacing in front of the desk now, Alec watching her tiredly. He glanced towards their boss’ empty office before looking back at her. 

 “Well… we were given very, very specific instructions not to interfere-”

 “I know that!”

 “But,” He continued as if she hadn’t said anything, “Just going to a location isn’t interfering. We’ve already done that. Staying at a location for a prolonged amount of time isn’t interfering, and just getting lucky enough to catch sight of him isn’t interfering. In fact, it would be the best course of action, especially if you just happen to get some sort of proof that his situation is getting worse.” She had stopped pacing while he spoke, taking a moment to consider what he said before a big grin crossed her face.

 They couldn’t get into Whitaker’s place, they knew that much, but there was one other place he kept returning to, one odd and seemingly abandoned place. Three times was too much to be a coincidence, and if they left the moment they knew he was heading there, they absolutely could be there long before he was. They weren’t allowed to interfere, but that didn’t mean they had to stay completely out of the way. 

 ***

 “I… can… can I ask what happened…?” Wren asked hesitantly, watching Zander with wide eyes as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “I mean, you can’t just leave it there…”

 “I can and I should.” He sighed heavily. “You don’t want to hear the sob story of Daniel Alexander King.”

 “Daniel? That’s your name…?” He tilted his head slightly, he was so used to calling him Zander that he could hardly picture him as anything else. 

 “It was. Cain changed it, and if you try and call me Daniel around him he’ll probably beat us both. We’re sticking to Zander and Wren, agreed?” He gave him a look, and Wren nodded quickly. It was best they didn’t let his real name slip around Cain anyway. 

 “I do want to hear the story though, actually, I need to hear the story. We know a lot about people volunteering for this, but someone in your situation is entirely different, and there’s no way you’re the only one!” Zander looked hesitant, making a face as he glanced away from him, but finally, he relented. 

 “I’ll give you the short version for now, I don’t know when Cain will get back and once he does I think I’ll be… busy.” He frowned.

 “I… sorry about that… if I’d known he’d be upset I wouldn’t have wanted you to tell me…” He couldn’t help but feel guilty, wondering what terrible punishment Cain would have for him now.

 “Don’t worry about it, he’s always looking for a reason to harass me. It’s not your fault.” He said. Wren watched as he came over and knelt down beside the bed, bending over and pulling something out from underneath.

 “What’s that?” He asked, leaning over to see the small box. 

 “Some of the stuff I’m allowed to keep. Not much but, it’s best to keep it hidden.” He shrugged, taking the top off. There were a few things placed in there, some papers, a couple of photographs, what looked like an earring, and… a couple of teeth? He tried to hide the disgust on his face, looking up at Zander.

 “Why are you keeping teeth in a box under your bed?”

 “Look kid, I don’t get a lot of personal things around here, if my teeth get knocked out of my mouth I’m going to keep them.” He said, looking through some of the papers, old newspaper clippings it looked like, even though by now most people got their news in one of many digital formats. 

 “Okay…” He decided to ignore that, looking at one of the photographs he’d left in the box. For a moment, he wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at. He could tell it was taken at a high school graduation, but it took him a second to realize the grinning boy in the photo was Zander, standing between what must’ve been his parents. It was almost odd to see him without a scratch or bruise in sight, no leather collar, no signature scowl, his hair was shorter and neater and he looked so happy. 

 “I asked for some pictures once, as a reward, whatever Cain was willing to get me.” He said when he noticed Wren staring at it. “I figured they’d be easy to find, I… I had started to forget their faces.” He frowned. “It had been a while…” 

 “Oh… I’m sorry…” Zander just shrugged, handing him some of the papers and changing the subject.

 “Here’s what everyone else knows of the situation. Cain kept me updated on it for a while, at least, until I was presumed dead. Of course, none of that is important since it’s all lies but it’s part of the story.” He shrugged. Wren quickly scanned the papers, stories about a missing boy who disappeared after his father “killed himself”. How convenient, he thought, scowling at what he saw.

 “So what actually happened? How did you end up here?” He asked. 

 “Cain’s father wanted me out of the way. I don’t know if they thought I knew something or if they didn’t want me asking questions, but he decided the best way to get rid of me was to give me to Cain. If the situation wasn’t so fucked up I’d say it’s funny, the bastard didn’t even know what to do with me at first.” He laughed, but Wren just stared at him. “They tried to “train” me first, but Whitaker got impatient and just gave me to Cain as is.”

 “What did your dad know that warranted all this?” He knew that Charles Whitaker had been a very well known man, and it shouldn’t have surprised him to know he was kind of shady, but he couldn’t imagine all the horrible things that would get someone killed because they uncovered it, and were potentially going to expose it.  

 “It sounds like he knew everything. Cain’s dad owned half the city, and nobody gets that kind of power while doing completely normal ethical things. I know he had a hand in all this business with the dogs, but it sounds like there were other things too. I don’t know for sure because, to prevent this exact scenario, I was never told anything.” He sighed. “I kind of wish I knew more, since it seems I was going to end up like this anyway.”  

 Wren stared at the papers in his hands, news stories about his “disappearance” about his suspected suicide following his father’s, it was all so fake and suspicious that he couldn’t picture anyone actually believing it. 

 “Your dad was killed, you’re here, what about your mom?” He asked. He saw her mentioned a few times in these articles, he couldn’t help but wonder what happened to her in connection to all this.

 “Oh, she got lucky. They weren’t together, hadn’t been for a while, long before he started his investigation. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were keeping an eye on her, but I guess they didn’t see reason to kill her. Instead she gets to just, live her life, thinking I ran away or killed myself, and I… honestly I feel like shit thinking about that, so I’d rather not.” He said, glancing away from Wren. “Cain used to show me the news on tv sometimes, it was hard to watch but… I guess that’s why he was willing to show me. Rub salt in the wounds, you know?”

 He looked back at Zander, studying his face. For once he didn’t look angry, just, tired, defeated even. This man had been here six years, and no matter how strong and defiant he was, he could see that it had thoroughly ruined him. He couldn’t imagine him smiling like the boy in that picture, he was scarred, physically and no doubt mentally. He wondered how he survived six years at all, how he hadn’t gone crazy living like this, how Cain’s abuse hadn’t killed him.

 He had to get him out of there.

[barelyabear]

Pentagon, Part 1

ABOUT ⬠

After the popular high school girl, Rosetta, loses her secret best friend, Jeremiah , to su*cide, she discovers love from unexpected places as 4 of her peers come to her rescue. The 5 teenagers navigate their lives as they end up twisted in each other’s mistakes, crimes, and love affairs. This story explores topics such as the the LGBT+ Community, Pressure from parents, Unrealistic expectations, and more. 

TW ⬟ SU*CIDE

On Tuesday morning, Rosetta’s mother calls her down for breakfast. Rosetta cascades down from her spiral staircase in her silk robe. “Eat up honey, you need to look good for the dance by the end of the month and you’re looking a bit thin,” Mother warns Rosetta as she sits down sipping her cup of coffee as Rosetta follows orders. After breakfast, Rosetta heads to her room and gets ready for school. She walks the car waiting for her as her chauffeur opens the door with her backpack and books inside. 

The bell rings as school begins. Rosetta takes a seat in her first class, Junior American Literature. As classmates watch as she takes her assigned seat, the teacher collects Rosetta's late homework  that she had missed during her vacation in Maui last week. The intercom goes on for daily announcements but something was off this time. The microphone shuffled with muffled voices coming through the audio. The vice principal abnormally takes charge, “Good morning students. Today we will be skipping morning announcements. You will be able to update yourself on the school website. Today, we offer tribute to one of our own: Jeremiah Schuman. The star baseball player who warmed the heart of many on this campus is no longer with us. Friday night, Jeremiah committed suicde and in respect for his family, we will refrain from details. We ask that you all attend the prayer service this afternoon in the hall and if you experience any stress, anger, or sadness, please go see the counselors. The school will do its best to adjust this devastating loss and we ask that we work together to celebrate Jeremiah’s tribute. The baseball game this weekend will be in honor of Jeremiah so please come out and support the team in remembering what Jeremiah loved to do. Thank you students and have a good day”. Students shuffled around in their chairs as they turn to their friends to discuss the possibilities of why he committed suicide. Rosetta didn’t move around, she stood still in shock. She raised her hand, asking to use the restroom. 

As the stunned girl exited the classroom, she ran to the restroom that she presumed was empty. She stood staring in the mirror as tears ran down her cheeks with her hands on the sink. Her breath quickens and she falls to the ground as she resists screaming her heart out. 

Jeremiah had been Rosetta’s secret best friend. She was never allowed to be friends with anyone other than those Mother picked out. Mother did not want Rosetta distracted by boys since she was on the road to taking the position of Student Body President. But after spending hours after school  in meetings, she always seemed to run into Jeremiah after baseball practice. Soon enough, they developed a friendship but kept it out of the public eye. 

Out from a stall came a short girl with long black hair. Rosetta wiped her face and headed for the door. The girl stopped her and asked her to come back, “Hey, wait, I heard you crying and I can’t help but think this outburst has something to do with the kid who killed himself? I know we don’t know each other and I’m not the best at holding serious conversations but I can try and maybe it’ll be nice to talk to a stranger”. There, they sat against the wall as Rosetta spilled every detail of their friendship and how she had no idea he was in pain because he was always happy. She turned to the stranger, “Thanks for listening, I hope I didn’t bother you that much” The girl responded, “No problem, if you need anything, let me know”. Rosetta looked puzzled, “But, I never caught your name!” As the girls walked out the door, she turned back and said, “Adriana Gonzalez”. Rosetta cleaned up and returned to class, pondering what the mystery girl was all about.

After school, Rosetta had her regularly scheduled council meeting. When the meeting was over, Rosetta felt her heart shake as she didn’t see Jeremiah come through the crowd of boys from the baseball field. Instead, a different boy came up. He stopped Rosetta and gestured her to take a seat at his table. And so she did. Confused, Rosetta waited for the boy to speak and eventually he spit out some words, “Are you okay?”  She lay her head down as she sighed, “Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?”  A moment of silence passed as the boy suddenly broke it, “I know you were close to Jeremiah and I just thought that the news would be hard to take.” Shocked by his words, she gasped, “How- how did you- I mean, not really”. The body carried on, “My parents refuse to pick me up from school anymore so I have to wait for the bus that comes hours after school, usually around the time you and Jeremiah meet up, I’ve seen you two talking everyday for the past months but it was only after school”. Rosetta explained the reasoning behind the selected sessions between her and Jeremiah and this time she knew to ask for this kind stranger’s name, “Why are you talking to me? I mean, who are you?”. To that, the boy replied, “I’m Brayden Taylor, and I just assumed that since your friendship was so exclusive, your friends didn’t know you needed comfort”. As Rosetta saw her chauffeur approaching, she left the conversation with a smile.

Mother made Rosetta get a job, claiming that it would make her look hard working on her college resume, even though it made no impact on their upper class lifestyle. Rosetta worked at an election office, running her father’s campaign for governor. She was always stuck doing filing or some simple work to make the time run fast. She craved some adventure. Her coworkers came and went so she never got a chance to make friends out of any of them. Today, Giana Bronty was working. She was known as the “rich whore’  because she was also from an upper class family but consistently got into trouble. “Giana, you’re on poster duty, take someone with you to keep you on check,” a manager shouts. Giana walked straight to Rosetta, “Hey Miss Prissy, you’re coming with me on poster duty, now”. Rosetta went with it since she was tired of all the paperwork. 

As they neared the end of their house rounds, they reached Jeremiah’s neighborhood. Giana didn’t know about Jeremiah, she had skipped class that day along with many others. She placed the poster on the lawn and moved on to the next. The girls reached Jeremiah’s house. Rosetta’s throat choked up as she saw his older brother and single mother on the porch setting up a memorial. Careless Giana rushed up, placed a sign and left. Rosetta stood, stunned. She stared at the house that she had snuck into on nights her parents were away, the house she would feel normal. The family never knew her of course, so they looked back at her puzzled. Gaina tugged her arm but Rosetta stood still. Suddenly, she began to run and she ran to the park down the street. Giana, afraid she would get blamed for the hostility, ran behind her and eventually, found Rosetta sitting on the swings that she and Jeremiah would have their deep conversations on. Rosetta sat in tears and Giana sat on the swing beside her. Giana spoke up, “Hey bro, I don’t know what’s wrong but I can’t afford another slip up on this job so could you get your shit together and head back?” Rosetta looked at Giana, “Leave me here”. Giana responded, “You know I can’t do that, I’d get in trouble. Come on, what’s up anyway? Maybe it's best to get your feelings out here rather than in front of your dad’s supporters and on the job”. So there, the two girls sat talking the afternoon away about the shenanigans that Rosetta and Jeremiah would get into in this very park. Soon enough, they finished the neighborhood rounds and went back to work. They didn’t speak the rest of the shift but they did offer each other a wave goodbye after work. 

Rosetta walks home and behind her, she hears a boy calling after her, “Hey! Hey! Hey!! Wait up!” In fear, Rosetta speeds up and begins to run away until she hits a driveway and must wait for a car to pull out. The boy catches up and Rosetta turns to him, waiving pepper spray in his face. He dodges and explains, “You dropped this a while back,” he hands her phone over, “Um, I know we don’t know each other but I’ve seen you around school. I saw a message on there saying that you should surround yourself with people so you don’t do something you’ll regret, I’m just a bit worried about you, we can sit and talk if you want”. Rosetta looks down at her phone then jumping up, exclaims, “No, no problem here. Thanks. Got to go”. She runs down the sidewalk to her front door. The boy stands still as he mutters, “Wait! Please come back!”  

[asofterfan]

Winter Winds

Chapter 5: Come With Me Now

Previous ~ Next

Summary: Remy blinks, and suddenly Toby has managed to weave himself into their life. And they’re not sure that’s a good thing.

Warnings: Remy’s unhealthy drinking habits

Remy groaned as their phone buzzed next to their ear. They half-heartedly shoved it off the bed, hearing it land with a soft ‘thud’. However the buzzing continued. Sighing in annoyance, they pushed themselves up onto one arm, reaching over to retrieve their phone and unlock it to see a long string of messages waiting for them.

DocOct: Remy

DocOct: Remyyyyy

DocOct: Sleepyhead

DocOct: Do you want a dog?

DocOct: Remy do you want a dog?

DocOct: I have a dog if you want a dog

The final message was an image of Toby, most of his body and face hidden by the large smiling husky he held in his arms, a slight blur around the animal as the dog wiggled happily.

Remy raised an eyebrow, hoping that Toby could sense it.

Sleepyhead: What about me gave you the impression that I should be in charge of any living thing ever?

DocOct: …

DocOct: touche

Snorting, Remy sat up, resigned to starting the day. Looking at the time, they saw it was only a half hour before their alarm was set to go off at noon. They had an appointment at one, so at least that gave them a little time to get ready slowly and get some caffeine in them. Their phone was buzzing again, but coffee first.

Forty-five minutes later, as Remy was walking out of a Starbucks ready to down their second cup since waking up, they suddenly remembered the messages waiting for them. Taking a long sip of coffee, they unlocked their phone to see what else October had sent them.

DocOct: I just want Hermione to be adopted by someone I know

DocOct: so I can see her all the time

DocOct: my boss wont let me take her

DocOct: apparently I’ve “reached the maximum number of animals allotted per employee” :(

DocOct: also I don’t have a yard

DocOct: did you fall back asleep?

Remy shook their head as they typed out a reply.

Sleepyhead: I have a job you know

DocOct: you could still be asleep

DocOct: I literally met you when you were asleep at work

Sleepyhead: you come into MY HOUSE

The bell chimed above them as they entered the shop, Ali glancing up from the front desk and grinning, “Hey, look who’s on time today! If you can manage to do that one more time we’ll have to use two hands to count it.”

“Ha, ha,” Remy drawled, rolling their eyes, “Be grateful I grace you with my presence at all.”

“You’re literally paid to be here.”

“Not enough, I’m not,” Remy winked, and Ali laughed, shaking her head good naturedly.

“Go get ready for your appointment, asshole.”

Tossing their jacket and bag onto the chair in their station, Remy’s phone buzzed again, and they texted absentmindedly as they set up their supplies for the next appointment.

The day passed the same as always. Remy tattooed a watercolor owl on a young woman's shoulder, Brett and Rafa argued in the background over hot sauce brands, Ali harped on Remy to update their portfolio, and Cass got roped into picking up their lunch order. The only thing different was that when Remy’s phone buzzed on their table from time to time, Remy actually responded whenever they had a chance throughout the day.

This fact did not escape Cass’ attention, the petite woman peeking over the dividing wall and between their stations near the end of the night as Remy’s phone vibrated again.

“Someone’s popular today,” she hummed with a devious look in her eye.

“Bitch, I’m popular everyday,” Remy raised an eyebrow at her in a challenge, which she gladly took up.

She skipped out of her cubicle and came to stand at the front of Remy’s station, “Oh come on, you never get this many texts, and you definitely never respond so timely. I once texted you to ask if you could cover a shift and you texted me back two weeks later.”

Remy frowned, “Hey, you gotta earn my attention hon,” they waved their hand dismissively, “I got places to be, things to do. No time for chitchat.”

“You’ve got time for someone,” Cass glanced pointedly at Remy’s phone, “Somebody finally tame the shrew?”

“Ew, don’t use Shakespeare to insult me.”

“I’m not insulting you!”

“And I’m not two seconds from keying your car,” Remy smirked, “See? Saying things is easy.”

Cass rolled her eyes, moving to walk back into her station, “Are you nicer to your penpal, or are they just a masochist?”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll wise up soon,” Remy hums with a smile, turning back to their computer. The conversation ends, and both artists return to their work, but Remy is a little slower in responding to their phone for the rest of the day.

~

Eventually, night falls. The shop is closed up and Remy’s coworkers go for a drink that Remy declines to join in on. As the group disappears around the corner, Remy leans against the wall next to the shop, sighing and pulling out a cigarette. They don’t really know what they want to do. Cityscape doesn’t appeal the way it normally does, but the idea of returning to their apartment makes them pull out a second cigarette moments after finishing the first.

They’re debating just wandering the city without a destination when their phone buzzes in their pocket.

DocOct: This bar is so weird

DocOct: Like SO WEIRD

DocOct: It’s terrible

DocOct: Come join me

The next text is an address.

Remy exhales the smoke in their mouth slowly, considering their options. Their fingers tap anxiously against the phone, and Cass’ words ring in their head. They’re not dumb. They know this isn’t going to end well.

Sleepyhead: Weird bars are the best ;P be there in 10

But they don’t want to go home, either.

~~~~

“What the FUCK Octagon?”

Snapping his head up from where he was leaning against the bartop in boredom, Toby’s face split into a wide grin, “Remy! You’re here!”

“Yeah and I can already tell it was a mistake!” They put their hands on their hips, eyes narrowed, “What the fuck is this place? Why is there weird anime being projected on the wall? Why are there cosplayers? Where the fuck am I??”

Toby laughed heartily, “It’s a popup bar for some anime I can’t pronounce that came out a while ago.”

“Do you watch said anime?”

“Nah.”

“Then why are we here?”

“Well~,” He drew the word out as he smirked, “I’m here, because one of my coworkers and I are playing “popup bingo” and this gets me one square closer to winning a wholesale bulk box of lint rollers-”

“There is so much to unpack there-”

“-but you,” he twirled his finger as he pointed at Remy, not allowing them to detract the situation, “are here because you wanted to see me~.”

That had Remy’s thoughts screeching to a halt.

“That is just, just blatantly untrue!!” Remy stuttered out, pouting dramatically, “I came because you said the word ‘bar’ and alcohol is a thing I enjoy.”

“You could have gone to any bar, though,” damn him and that stupid pretty smile, “but you came to this one because it’s where I said I was.”

FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK

Remy relaxed their shoulders, bringing one hand to rest on the bar and tilting their head to the side, very consciously putting on their best “cool and casual” air.

“I came for the trainwreck,” they smiled innocently, “I haven’t found a reason to stay though.”

They made an exaggerated show of turning around and slowly walking away. Finally Toby sighed loudly.

“Fiiiiine I’ll buy the first round.”

Remy spun back around on their heel, grinning victoriously, “A man after my own heart.”

“Damn straight.”

“Just for that you’re buying me two drinks.”

Toby laughed, not looking particularly perturbed at the situation, “Two drinks but one of them is a beer.”

“Deal,” Remy slid into the seat next to Toby at the bar.

~~~~

“I need to move to a different shop.”

“Like HELL you are,” Remy wasn’t sure how Ali even heard the statement he had muttered under his breath, but she came rushing in from the staff break room, glaring at the taller punk, “You aren’t going anywhere until you get through your current scheduled appointments! You made a blood oath!”

“What? When??”

“Remember that time you were so tired you accidentally stapled your hand instead of the client forms?”

“That’s not a blood oath!”

“You bled for the shop, the pact is sealed.”

“Uh…..” Toby raised his hand slowly from where he stood just inside the front door, drawing the attention of the two tattoo artists, “I can come back later? Patton said your shift ended at seven on Wednesdays...”

“Goddammit Patton,” Remy cursed, “he should know better than to give my schedule out to stalkers.”

“He does.”

“He ships it.”

“And besides” he pointedly ignored Cass’ comment, “my shifts not over ye-”

“Oh yes it is,” Ali chimed in.

Remy whipped his head to look at his boss in betrayal, “Excuse me? Two seconds ago you were talking about how you owned my ass or something so I could never leave.”

“You can’t stop working here,” she clarified, “but you can leave when your shift is over. Which it is.”

“But I’m still doing stuff!” Remy gestured to the sketchbook in front of him.

Ali crossed her arms stubbornly, “You’ve done your work for the day, and you’ve already got overtime this week. Go have fun with your fan boy.”

Rolling his eyes, Remy stood and roughly shoved his things into his bag, “You know, you’re my boss. You don’t have to make dumb excuses when you’re sick of me.”

“Remy-” Ali called after him, but he was already heading out the door.

“Sorry, I’m off the clock, see you tomorrow~,” he sang as he slipped out of the shop.

He heard the bell chime a second time and footsteps jog to catch up with him, “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause trouble,” Toby said quietly, remorse heavy in his voice.

Part of him wanted to snap at him. It was on the tip of his tongue to prattle about how if Toby really didn’t want to cause trouble then he should get lost, how he’d been nothing but trouble since day one, how of course there was going to be trouble when he kept showing up and Remy still didn’t know why.

But…

The words died on his tongue. A different part of him whispered that he didn’t really mind Toby’s brand of trouble.

So instead, Remy grinned and bumped his hip against Toby, “~I knew you were trouble when you walked in~”

He barked out a laugh, “So shame on me~.”

Remy rolling his eyes, shaking his head fondly as Toby chuckled. After about a block Toby spoke up, “Sooooo,” he drawled, “Where are we going?”

“What’s with all this ‘we’ business? I am a Goddamn island, hon.”

“Well call me Castaway,” Toby purred, sliding closer to Remy’s side.

“Prepare to starve, bitch.”

“WILSONNNNNNN-”

“Jesus Christ, shutthefuckup!” Remy shoved Toby’s shoulder, cutting off his dramatic wail. Remy ran a hand over his face, trying to look exasperated even as he struggled to hide his smile, “If I let you come with me will you stop making movie references?”

“For now,” he smirked mischievously.

Remy rolled his eyes, “That’s the best I’m gonna get, isn’t it?”

“Yup,” Toby’s mouth popped around the end of the word and Remy snorted.

“There’s a club that just opened near River West,” he shoved his hands in his pockets was he walked, “I’ve been planning to check it out, see if it’s worth adding to my nightlife rotation. No reason not to do so tonight I guess.”

The shorter punk grinned enthusiastically, “Cool! Sounds fun!”

“I’m sure it does.”

“Oh! I just remembered, I have to tell you about this rabbit that we got in today-”

The two walked through the city together, crossing the bridge to the west side of downtown as Toby rambled about his day and the animals they received and the ones given to new homes. Remy hummed in response, smoked a cigarette, offered his priceless sass- for free, nonetheless- so by the time they reached the club Remy felt entitled to a little good karma.

What they got, though, was a plain brick building with a single neon sign and a few groups of drunk teens loitering outside.

“Well,” Remy pushed his sunglasses onto the top of his head, “I will admit, this is not a promising start.”

“The… the sign just says “Club”,” Toby commented, pointing to the one word neon sign.

“That’s…” it took a moment for Remy to think of a word, “....succinct.”

“You filtered through a lot of worse words before landing on that one, didn’t you.”

“Shut up and let’s go inside.”

The security barely spared them a glance as they made their way in. Remy squinted at the dim lighting, the flashing lights around the dance floor too dull to really illuminate anything. Meanwhile Toby crinkled his nose as he felt his shoes stick to the floor a little, “You said this place just opened, right? How are their floors already so gross?”

“What the hell is this music?”

“It’s freezing in here, did they bother insulating the building at all?”

Remy made a face of disgust, “I need a drink, STAT.”

“Or maybe we could just go somewhere else?” Toby suggested as they made their way over to the bar.

“Not without some alcohol in my veins we’re not,” he pouted as he pushed his way to the front, ordering a tequila shot as Toby stood behind him. “I’m off work, that means I get to finally have some fun,” he paid for his shot quickly, turning back to face the other punk.

Toby shook his head fondly, “You need a hobby.”

“I have a hobby!”

“Drinking isn’t a hobby.”

“No, it’s a game and I’m winning.”

“That’s called alcoholism. Also you still need a hobby.”

Remy smirked sharply, “You can get your own hobby if you have such a problem with mine,” he stared Toby in the eye as he downed the shot, pointedly ignoring the chaser.

Toby held his hands up in a peacemaking gesture, “I don’t have a problem with it,” he raised an eyebrow, “I just think you could stand to get out more. Get a change of scenery,” he grinned mischievously, “If nothing else it would make my hobby or tagging along with you more interesting.”

“I knew you had ulterior motives,” Remy shook his head, laughing lightly. Looking around, he scrunched his nose as he took in the mass of people dancing overly risque in the center of the room, “Ugh. How are they dancing to this trash? Moreso, how are they still keeping up the weird sexy shit? How is this bizzare techno-country garbage not an instant mood killer? Allosexuals make no sense.”

“Hey, I’m confused too. I admire their tenacity though?” he replied uncertainly.

“I don’t. I am judging very harshly.”

“That’s your default though. It’s like you have resting judgy face except it’s not just your face.”

“Damn straight,” Remy flagged down the bartender and ordered a beer, “This is not the kind of club you experience sober.”

Snorting, Toby leaned against the bar next to him. Once his drink arrived, they both stayed by the bar, neither wanting to venture out onto the floor. Remy sipped on his drink, and after a few minutes Toby took out his phone and began tapping on the screen nonchalantly. When the first beer was finished, Remy wasted no time ordering another. Turning to October, Remy shook his head and tsked, “You are at a club surrounded by beautiful people,” he gestured mostly to himself, “and you’re on your phone? Honestly, you look like a baby boomer meme right now.” Toby’s only response was to turn and stick his tongue out, Remy giggling as he took his beer from the bartender, “Seriously girl, what’s got your attention so fixed? You sexting over there?”

That made Toby pause, his fingers hovering over the screen as he turned to look at Remy with a deadpan expression, “You literally could not be more wrong about what is happening here.”

Remy raised an eyebrow suspiciously as he took a long drink. Toby rolled his eyes as he turned back to his phone, but his lips were twitching towards a smile. The night was young, so Remy felt fine chugging his beer in an attempt to speed things along.

However, that plan was soon foiled. As he neared the bottom of the bottle, Toby gasped loudly, Remy choking a bit on his drink in surprise. He was still coughing and sputtering as Toby smacked at his arm to get his attention.

“Dude, holy shit there’s a pikachu like two blocks away we gotta go!!”

“Excuse me??”

Toby ignored his bewilderment, instead grabbing his wrist and tugging him towards the exit. Once they reached the door, Toby released him in favor of sprinting down the street. Later, Remy would question what happened next, unable to find any logical reason for why he did what he did.

He ran after him.

Darting down the street, his long legs caught up quickly, allowing him to jog a few feet behind Toby as he raced down the sidewalk. After a couple blocks, he skidded to a stop, Remy nearly running into him as he quickly started tapping at his phone. Panting lightly, Remy glanced over his shoulder.

Pokemon Go was open on the screen, a pikachu standing in an image of the dark street in front of them. Toby muttered softly to himself, “Do not run away, do not run away, do NOT run away…” as he tossed a pokeball at the creature.

Remy’s eyebrows were practically in his hairline, “You have GOT to be kidding me.”

“Shhhhh!! I need to focus!” Toby hissed, tossing various items at the pikachu after it escaped the pokeball a second time. Finally, after a few minutes, the pikachu was sucked into the pokeball and stayed there, tiny stars erupting on the screen at the success.

“YES!!” Toby threw his hands in the air in excitement, “Holy shit! I’ve wanted a pikachu for forever! I have to text Talyn, this is awesome!”

“....what year is this?” Remy stated in amazement, “Pokemon Go is still a thing? What? I feel like I’m hallucinating, like was there something in my drink?”

Toby blinked at him in surprise before grinning widely, “Others may have abandoned their quest, but I never will! It’s not enough to want to be the very best, you gotta work for it.”

Remy snorted, shaking his head in disbelief, “You’re a nerd. Like, such a nerd. I don’t even know what to do with this information. I’m going back to the club where people make sense.”

“Oh come on,” Toby skipped in front of him to block his path as he tried to walk away, “that club sucked and you know it.”

“I know no such thing,” Remy crossed his arms and pouting, his face clearly illustrating that he did in fact know such a thing.

“The music sucked and the drinks were subpar and overpriced. I’m pretty sure most of the people there were underage and didn’t even need fake IDs to get in. And you can try to deny it, but you would have left within half an hour even if I hadn’t run off. Your standards are too high.”

Fuck. He had Remy there. “You’re…. Not wrong….” Remy grumbled.

“Here, hold on...” Toby looked down at his phone, tapping a few times before stating, “there's a bar I've been wanting to check out for a while that’s about half a mile away. We can go there instead!”

Remy frowned, “Can’t we go somewhere closer?”

“This place has really good reviews, and I heard they do fun cocktails. It’s not that far. Pleeeeeease?” Toby pleaded, hands clasped together as he bat his eyelashes up at the taller punk.

Rolling his eyes, Remy shoved him away lightly, “Alright, okay, we can go to your dumb bar.”

“Yes!” Toby threw his hands up in success, “We’ll be there in no time, half a mile isn’t that far. And it’s such a nice night!” He gestured to the cool air around them, not too hot or too cold, with clear skies above them. Remy hummed in agreement, as they began walking.

At first they walked in casual silence, Toby occasionally glancing at his phone while Remy lit a cigarette. But, by the end of that one single cigarette, Remy’s boredom and restlessness hit.

The tattoo artist groaned, hunching over in exaggerated exhaustion, “Ugh, we’ve been walking for forever-”

Toby rolled his eyes, “It’s been less than ten minutes-”

“-and we’ve passed like four bars already!”

“-well, we’re going to a specific one, so-”

“What exactly is this place anyway?” Remy leaned over to look at Toby’s phone, but he pulled the device to his chest to hide the screen.

“You’ll see when we get there!”

Remy narrowed his eyes in suspicion. The two stared at each other, each daring the other to make a move. After a moment of consideration, Remy nodded to himself. Then he lunged for the phone. Toby shrieked in surprise, twisting as Remy’s arms flailed around him, batting at his hands and stumbling as Remy leaned his weight on him. Desperately, he tried to scramble away, holding the phone out at arms length, but it was useless against the taller punk. Remy stretched his arm out, snatching Toby’s phone from his hand and quickly skipping away, leaving Toby to regain his balance.

Looking down at the screen Toby had tried so hard to hide, Remy gasped dramatically, whipping his head around to send Toby a look of betrayal, “You were just making us walk so you could hatch a pokemon egg??”

Toby held his hands up in a peacemaking gesture, “We only need to go a little farther! And I mean, I was planning on taking us to a bar afterwards, so I didn’t really lie-”

“Yes you did!! You tricked me! Into exercising!!*” Remy clutched his chest with a wounded expression on his face, and Toby snorted as he suddenly remembered that Remy was a theater kid. “Don’t laugh! You dragged me through the city-”

“It was less than half a mile! We’re literally still in the same neighborhood!”

“-and now I’m half-sober! I am half-sober and awake, October! Those are my two least favorite things!”

Seeing that Remy was distracted by his own monologue, Toby darted forward and snatched his phone back, “Alright drama queen, tell you what. Let me finish hatching this egg- which will take like three minutes, maybe- and I’ll buy the next round,” he grinned lopsidedly, “as an apology for deceiving you.”

Remy didn’t think he sounded sorry at all, flipping his hair over his shoulder as he considered the offer. After a moment, he crossed his arms and huffed, “Fine.”

Almost immediately Toby’s grin was replaced with a look of something between surprise and amazement, “Wait, for real?”

Remy raised an eyebrow, “You promised me alcohol, no backing out now. But I swear if that bitch hatches into a rattata you’re paying for my drinks for the rest of the night.”

Toby let out a bark or laughter, “You know what? That’s fair,” he turned and began walking again, Remy swiftly falling into step beside him.

“So…” Remy drawled with a smirk, “What team are you? And I swear to God if you say ‘Instinct’-” Toby laughed, shoving his shoulder as they continued down the street.

~~~

“You’re not allowed to be weird until I’ve finished caffeinating,” Remy stated before Toby could even say hello.

Snorting, Toby slid into the seat across from Remy at the Starbucks he had found him at, “I’m not falling for that, I know you’re never done caffeinating.”

“Worth a shot,” Remy sighed, hiding his grin behind his coffee cup. Glancing over, he frowned slightly at the dark bruises on under Toby’s eyes, more prominent than they usually were, and that was saying something, “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“I’m getting some right now~”

“First of all, no. Second of all, I woke up to more messages than usual this morning and also you look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You’re goddamn welcome.”

Toby rolled his eyes, “I’m fine. Just insomnia,” he took a long sip of his coffee before continuing, “I’ve dealt with it for forever, some nights are just worse than others.”

“That sucks.”

He shrugged, “Eh, it is what it is, but enough about that! You didn’t answer my texts this morning!” From there, Toby continued his usual shenanigans- asking Remy about his plans for the day, how his night had been, lamenting the dogs being picked up later in the day because “obviously I’m happy they’re going to good homes but I’m going to miss themmmmm”. He leaned forward to put his head in his hand, sighing about how he needed to finish his book and become famous so he could buy a bigger house and adopt every animal. As he did, Remy couldn’t help find his eyes drawn to the tattoo on his left arm.

He had seen it countless times by this point, the rough text still clearly legible as “28:06:42:12”. Sighing to himself, he set his coffee on the table to interrupt Toby’s rambling, “Okay, it’s been driving me crazy. What are the numbers on your arm?”

Toby immediately gasped dramatically, clutching his hands to his chest, “Do NOT tell me you’ve never seen Donnie Darko!!”

Remy raised an eyebrow, “I don’t think I have to at this point.”

“Dude! It’s an amazing sci-fi, crime, mystery, scary type movie!”

“You just listed a lot of genres-”

“It’s my favorite Halloween movie. It’s a cult classic!”

“I have a policy that I don’t get involved in cults I didn’t start.”

“I’m pretty sure the Cult of Sleep is just a coma.”

“That’s the goal at least.”

Toby rolled his eyes, smirking, “While your attempts at changing the subject are valiant, it is in vain,” pulling out his phone, he started typing furiously, “Especially since, as luck would have it, I was planning on going to a midnight showing of Donnie Darko next week. And now…” he stretched the word out, clicking a few more buttons on his phone, before grinning widely, “you’re coming with me!”

Remy blinked in surprise, but sure enough, Toby turned his phone towards him, the words “Thank you for your purchase!” on the screen above information on time and place of the movie.

“....What?”

“It’ll be fun!” Toby slips his phone back into his pocket before clapping his hands in excitement, “It’s so trippy! But like, they’re screening the director’s cut, which is SO much better than the theatrical version, because like certain things will actually make SENSE like why would they cut out- I don’t want to spoil anything but like it was dumb how they-”

“Woahwoahwoah, hold up, gurl,” Remy put his hands up to halt Toby’s lecture, blinking at him in astonishment, “What? I mean you- what if I had plans that night?”

“You never have plans,” Toby raised an eyebrow, “you literally spend every night either at a club, at a bar, or at home.”

“Yeah, I PLAN those things!” Remy insisted, “And did you honestly just buy my ticket? In THIS economy? I can think of a million better ways to spend twelve dollars.”

“I can’t.”

“Don’t you bat your eyelashes at me!” curse Toby for making him smile. Bastard. “Besides, you know if that’s after I have work then you’ll have to hang out with me sober, right?”

“Yeah, and?”

“Me. Sober.”

“Remy you’re sober right now!”

“......”

“REMY.”

“Okay, alright, fine I’ll go to the stupid movie!”

“The AMAZING movie.”

“You’re gonna regret this~” Remy sang as he stood, grabbing his bag to make his way out of the shop.

Toby just shook his head, calling after him, “I’ll text you the details!”

~~~~

“What…. did I just watch?”

“RIGHT??”

“No, seriously, what just happened?? Did he actually travel through time? So none of that actually happened?”

“It happened AND it didn’t happen!”

“WHAT?!”

Toby laughed as the two of them exited the theater, Remy holding their head in their hands as they tried to comprehend what they had just watched, “You said it was trippy but DAMN son!”

“But you loved it, right? Tell me you loved it,” Toby pleaded.

“....Well now I don’t want to.”

“Remyyyyyyyy.”

Snorting, Remy shook their head, “Okay, fine, I…. maybe enjoyed it just a bit.”

“Yes!” Toby threw a fist in the air victoriously, “I told you it’d be fun! And hey, I had fun too, even though you’re sober.”

He grinned jokingly, and Remy laughed along nervously, nodding in agreement and deciding not to mention that they had a flask of tequila in their bag that they had been sneaking gulps from ever since they got off work. It was the only way they could think of to calm the anxious energy that waxed and waned in them throughout the night.

Remy stretched as they made their way outside and Toby checked his phone, “Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something? You don’t have work tomorrow, right?”

“Um…” Rey glanced to the side. They really could use another drink, but… “Sorry bud, but I think home is calling. Gotta get to bed so I can stare at the ceiling and reevaluate the concept of time,” they smiled lightly, trying to hide the way their stomach was churning.

It must have worked, cause Toby just chuckled, nodding in understanding, “I feel that. Go get some rest and contemplate existence,” he joked, “Brace yourself for when I make you come over so we can watch it again and discuss theories at length,” he winked playfully, which did nothing to settle Remy’s stomach, an uncomfortable familiarity to the situation.

“I’m always bracing myself when you’re involved.”

“Touche.”

~~~~~~~~~

It became familiar. Remy stopped being surprised when Toby showed up at the end of her shift, or at Starbucks when she was getting coffee, or texted her in the middle of the night. He went clubbing or bar hopping with her, and invited her to movie events at the independent theater downtown. She stopped being surprised, but she didn’t stop feeling a sense of dread. Toby approved of Virgil’s concept, he sent an email full of keysmashes when Remy showed him the final line art, and his tattoo appointment loomed closer.

Every time they hung out, even as Remy laughed and smiled, genuinely having fun with the strange client, she still felt a strange pain in her chest. Each night when she finally headed home, refusing to step foot near Toby’s apartment or let him anywhere near hers, she felt like she had dust in her eyes.

She waited for him to get sick of her shit, for him to ask for something she couldn’t give, for him to stop showing up. But he never did, always looking at her so she could practically see the stars in his eyes, acting like he didn’t need anything else. Remy knew it was temporary, though.

When Remy was with Toby, she couldn’t decided if she felt less lonely or more.

[a-pretty-nerd]

Summer Fling (Freddie Klein x reader smut)

A/N: Here's the deal, no I'm not back just yet. Update: I just got a new job! Which I'll be working as much as possible but during my winter break I will be back to finished some bowers requests! This fic however, is a Devon Bostick character from the 2014 movie Small Time which takes place in the 90s.

Go check out @trickkombowerskru 's fic! I requested this plot and she did a great job, I just had the urge to make a detailed oriented adaptation. She did an amazing job, and I just wanna develop it a lil' more because I love her!

For those of you who like Devon, but haven't seen this movie, thats cool! Heres all you need to know!

Freddie Klein is the awkward college student:

The son of Al Klein, a car salesmen. In the summer between high school and college, Freddie decides he would like to become a car salesmen like his father. Al hates this idea because he and his coworker Martini (Ash), have had to work YEARS to get where they are and even now its small business car lot where they make good, not amazing.

BASICALLY

Freddie works over the summer, gets good but he's surrounded by "the guys" a group of sleazy salesmen Martini and Al are friends with and Freddie starts to become a lil' shit as a result. And poor Al, has to tell Freddie that he's fired and he should go to college like his mom (Barbara) and stepfather he hates (Chick), want him to. Freddie's upset but does so and eventually his father and him make up. Its a very touching story. (@trickkombowerskru thinks its okay. I love this movie.)

Also, Gayle is the office receptionist thats irish and an airhead. And Barlow is the lot's jazzy, barly english speaking cars repairman. Linda, is Al's new girlfriend thats there for him throughout the whole mess. Its very touching.

Now that you know all that! This fic is going to start where the movie leaves off. Where Freddie is now in college but visits often and is trying to help his dad extend the buisness.

So here we go! ✌❤

P.S. Thank you for being patient with me, and letting me do what I want. Ya'll mean so much to me and I hope @trickkombowerskru and I can stick around 💕

Warnings: NSFW, cursing, mild sexism? That shit gets corrected don't worry.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

See, you're Martini's niece. The daughter of his sister, and being his one and only niece, you're fairly close with your jokster of an uncle. You attend a local community college because, not everyone can afford the University. And after a slue of food service and retail jobs, you're on the hunt for another summer job to get you through until the next semester. How convenient! Martini, and his close friend and co-worker, Al, are looking for a new receptionist since their current has just been promoted to sales associate.

Uncle Martini assures you its an easy job, just processing paper work and filing. You're thankful for the 9 to 5 work, which is drastically better than the minimum wage scraps you were making before.

So you're sitting there at your desk which sits right out front in the office. You're alone at the moment, filing paperwork, starring down at the numbers and letters on the paper. Your eyelids droop and you take a deep breath and let it out in a huff. If only this job wasn't so boring.

"You're not Gayle!" A nasaly voice announces from above. Your tired eyes shoot up, your heart leaps out if your chest, and your hands begin to shake. You were startled.

Standing there is a young man roughly your age, if not a little bit older. He's nerdy, in a button up and khaki pants, he's incredibly out of place. You stare at his face for a moment, and if it wasn't bad that he startled you, he's attractive. He stares back at you, confused.

"What?" You eventually ask.

"Where's Gayle?" He asked you, almost offended by your presence.

"She’s in the back- can, can I help you with something?" You ask him, still just as confused as he is.

"I'm looking for my dad."

"Your dad?"

"Oh hey! Freddie," Al walks through the door with a coffee in hand and smelling of the local deli, "I see you've met Y/N."

"Oh! Oh YOU'RE Freddie!" Suddenly the connection goes through. You've heard stories of Freddie from Al, who couldn't be a more proud father. You stand up from the desk, thankful for the exscuse to stand. You throw a hand out and shake his awkwardly. He watches you, brows still furrowed.

"You're working the front desk now?" He asks you.

"Yeah. Been here for a few weeks. Hey Al, wheres Uncle Ash?" You ask in passing.

"He caught a sale, should be in in just a moment." He spoke as he walked around mindlessly as he sifted through paperwork and coffee. Freddie stood there awkwardly as you sat down and tried to go back to work. You didn't know Freddie was as cute as he wass. The only picture Al ever showed you was the one on his desk from when he was a kid. He resolved to pour himself a cup of coffee which sat out for customers along side a plate of untouched cookies. Gayle made then herself.

"So uh, you're Martini's niece?" Freddie asked in an attempt to make conversation.

"Yeah." You nodded, flashing a look at him. He made you nervous.

"How come we've never met befor?" He asked, lifting a brow. Clearly a little more comfortable with you than before. You shook your head and shrugged.

"Don't know." You resolved. The door flew open with a smiling Martini who swayed from side to side with triumph. He tossed a few papers on your desk, which slid, messing with the pile of papers currently on your desk. You sighed.

"Which one?" Al asks from behind his desk.

"Chevy," Martini says as he sits at his own desk, "oh! Freddie!" He cries and gives the young man a rather rough hug. "Didn't know you'd be back so soon. Oh, this Y/N by the way."

"We've met." You announce with a tight lipped smile.

"Good...good.." he nods off to his work on the desk. Eventually, Al starts a conversation with Freddie again. From this, you learn Freddie will be working as a salesman over the summer again. You curse, you didn't need such an attractive distraction during this job.

He started that next Monday, and oh boy, you didn't expect it to be that hard with him around. You find yourself watching him walk around the lot and talking with customers. In fact, he's the first one to hand you any paperwork that day. And when he does, your fingers brush against each other and you nearly panic. You avoid eye contact with him, you honestly try to avoid extended time around him, you eat lunch at your desk so you don't have to be alone with him in the break room. Unfortunately for you, Freddie finds this incredibly endearing to him.

You see, Freddie was less surprised by a new receptionist, and more surprised that she was actually cute, attractive, hot when you unbutton your shirt a little because of the California heat. It wasn't that Freddie didn't have other options than you, Martini had taken him to a bar or two, but those girls were nothing like you. He finds himself starring at you a lot, and even fantasizing about you.

One afternoon, about a month into Freddie's start, you're in the furnished breakroom of the office. Which is one small room with one small fridge, sink, counter, microwave, and table with chairs. You pull out your lunch from the fridge and stand, only to be startled once again at the sight of Freddie leaning on the counter to your right.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." He apologizes and holds his hand in front of him as he giggles.

"It's fine. I didn't see you." You exscuse yourself before going to leave.

"Wait a minute," Freddie calls, "I've had lunch alone everyday this week, keep me some company will ya?"

"Thats not true, you went to the deli Monday and Wednesday." You correct him. He chuckles and shrugs.

"Alright, you got me. Come on, take a break." He insists. You sigh and sit with him. He's pleasant, funny, and smart. He makes a comment about how you're waisting away at the community college, you belong at the University. You give a shrug. As lunch comes to a close, and you throw your trash away, you once again go to exscuse yourself and go back to work. But Freddie, refuses. "You're lunch break isn't even over yet!" He argues.

"I gotta get back." You leave him alone, and sad. He didn't even get the chance to ask you out. So he makes a plan. That night, he volunteers the two of you to close for the night so Martini and Al can leave early for a drink. You're not pleased by this at all. Usually, you're shift ends before any of theirs. Its late, you're tired, and more than a little fustrated. You're closing the back door, and wonder back to the office where Freddie is locking up out front. When you got back to pick up your things at your desk to leave, you're with Freddie wondering around very nonchalantly.

He's leaning against the counter in the office beside the coffee maker. He fiddles with it for a moment as you watch him, he's trying to act cool n' shit.

"Goodnight." You say, a little weirded out.

"Um, Y/N, before you go...I just wanted to apologize."

"Apologize for what?" He then pushes himself off the counter and begins walking towards you.

"I don't know, I guess if I made you feel uncomfortable or upset in anyway." He's closer now.

"What?" Closer, oh no, too close...too close. But you can't move, you're frozen. He gives a shrug and looks down at you.

"Has anyone ever told you how pretty your eyes are?" He asks you with a soft voice. Your furrow your brows.

"What-" He reaches a hand around to grab your neck and pull you into a passionate kiss. You're shocked st first, your heart is buring, your head spinning, your mind blank. You're helpless...and yet you're melting. Your eyelids flutter as they close and you begin to move. Your lips move back against his as you kiss him back. Its out of the blue, passionate, wild, rough, raw, pure. You want more, its only fueling your adrenaline rush, you can feel the endorphins in your head flying. You feel alive as the kids intensifies. Freddies hands are on your waist while your are on his shoulders.

But then, his hands slide down to your ass and he runs his palms across your shape. You're almost startled by this until he gives a slow, sweet grope. You pull away from the kiss, and give a small yelp as you lean into him. He pressing his face into your neck and leaves small kisses on your neck. Your hands fall down, and wrap around his back. He pulls up your skirt and gives your bare ass a good grope as he kisses your neck. He makes you moan as your gently run your nails down his clothed back. Suddenly you're very aware of his clothes, and it annoys you.

"Fuck you're so hot." Freddie whispers into your neck. Your chest heaves as he feels you up and now, he's pressing his hips against yours. Without a word, you start to unbutton his dress shirt. He slips out of it with ease and his hands quickly go to yours to get enough to reveal your bra. He gives a pleased sigh as his hands reach for your breasts and eventually unhook your bra. He spends a lot of time groping your breasts and sucking your nipples. In doing so, he's pressing you up against the desk until you put an end to the hip grinding by hopping on.

"F-Freddie.." you moan out as he kisses back up your collar bone to your neck. Your skirt hiked up to your waist, he spreads your legs around his waist. Your shirt, unbuttoned, still around your arms with your breasts exposed. You're completely vulnerable to him. He looks you up and down again and then into your eyes. "We shouldn't-" again, he kisses you. He grinds his hips against yours and gives needy moans. You can only cling to his arm as he reaches down. He flatly runs a fingers up the damp cloth of your panties. He does this a few times before he reaches in and plays with you further. He watches as you throw your head back and moan, grasping his arm as he pleasures you. He kisses your neck as he starts to finger you, almost bringing you to orgasm before he pulls away. You give a sad whimper before he pulls your panties off completely and takes a knee. He holds your thighs apart for a moment ask he begins to eat you out. Mostly playing with your clit, again almost bringing you to orgasm.

You'd like to think this is because he knows what he's doing. Its not. He just loves to hear you moan until he gets antsy. Finally, he stands and gives you another kiss. He pulls his cock out of his pants and quickly he has arm on each side of you on the desk as he slides deep inside you with ease. Fuck, he has to hold himself back. He has to be careful. So he starts slowly, which just drives you crazier. You cling to him as his thrusts are slow and deep. Fuck, you're close, too close.

"Fuck-don't stop." You beg him as he gives a grunt. He can't stop himself. You're driving him absolutely up the wall.

"Oh fuck," he moans between thrusts, he begins to speed up "oh fuck." He starts fucking you harder, faster, until the desk below is being rocked bakc and forth.

"Oh god!" You cry, throwing your head back again and clinging to him, leaving ligbt scratch marks on his back. Your mouth hangs open as your orgasm washes over you. Freddie gives a few more good thrusts, before completely losing it and letting himself cum too. You're both a panting mess as you try to regain your sanity.

"Fuck.." Freddie sighs happily with a smile. You take a breath and nod. He pulls away and stuffs himself back in his pants and you proceed to get dressed.

"That was..."

"Great." Freddie finishes with a goofy grin. You nod, and look away from him.

"That...that can never happen again." You tell him, and he agrees. But thats a lie. It happens again. The next day in fact when everyone is out at lunch as you're alone in the break room. Then in the women's bathroom. Then on the office's couch when you lock up one night. Its a passionate and purley sex driven afair you tell yourself. Its just, work friends with benefits sort of deal.

But that abruptly ends when one day, Freddie is a little more grumpy than usual. Instead of handing you paperwork, he throws it on your desk and gives an order. You pause, but he's gone before you can address it. Then, he's rude to you when you ask about some other paperwork. He brushes you off and tells you to ask Martini about it. And then, when you're left alone at lunch...a time when he's usually jumping to get you alone, he practically ignores. You tried to argue that he was having a bad day. But when he's rude a second day, third day, fourth...

On the fifth day of all that bullshit, your car breaksdown on your way to work and Freddie has to get you for work. The ride there is practically silent other than a short conversation about a caset tape in Freddie's car. The way home however, you can't take it. You're about halfway there when your pot just boils over.

"So what the fuck has been your problem latley." Freddie appears unchanged and doesn't even look at you. He takes a fiew seconds too long to answer. "What am I not good enough for you anymore? Can't even be handed shit anymore, you have to throw things at me!?" He doesn't answer. "Hey, Im fucking talking to you!" He just swallows. You lean back in your seat and stare at him. "Guess I'm just another whore then, huh? You fucked me and now you're done with me. Jesus christ. You're such a fucking hack! You're just a fucking loser with no respect for others! Fuck!!" You shriek, angry and fustrated with him on so many different levels. Mostly, because you actually liked Freddie and you had always craved him since that first day. You were mostly angry at yourself for liking him so much. You held your face in your hands. "Pull over." You tell him. Its raining, and you're miles from your apartment complex.

"What?"

"I said pull over!" You demand. He does so, hesitantly. You throw off your seatbelt and throw the door open. "I can't even fucking look at you."

"Y/N! Y/N get back in the car, its raining!" He calls after you as you slam the door and begin walking down the dangerous street towarda your home. But Freddie insists that you get back in the car and drives beside you slowly and yells from inside the cat. "Please, get back in!"

"No! I don't fucking need you! Clearly you didn't care about me before!"

"Yknow what....fine!!!" Freddie breaks, he shouts, and speeds off. Leaving you there in the rain to walk back home. You almost slip and fall a few times because not only is it raining, its pouring and cold, and its also a sketchy part of town. You sort of regret your decision, sort of. Fuck Freddie, if he wasn't going to respect you then you didn't need him.

Freddie, having sped off and now in the smoldering aftermath of his terrible decision, starts to regret leaving you there. In fact, looking around at this side of town...he's get worried. A pretty girl like you, that isn't safe. He curses himself and hopes he can turn around and find you. Eventually he does, and that sinking feeling he had stops. He drives slowly next to you and roles down the passanger window.

"Y/N..." he calls. You stop, and think for a moment and decide its best to just get in the car. The rest of the ride is silent. You're still upset with him. When he pulls up to your apartment complex, he opens his mouth to speak. "Look, I'm sorry I-" you slam the car door shut and quickly run inside. He's really fucked up now. He knows that.

It's just...he's never felt this way before...ever. And he got scared, he panicked. No girl has ever been so loving to him, been so good to him. He's never been in love before. And he didn't know how to react. He knew it was wrong in the moment but...it was classic "i dont know how to express actually love so I'm gonna be mean" syndrome. That night when he gets home, he calls you. But you, unsurprisingly don't answer the phone. So, he leaves a voicemail.

"Hey Y/N...its me, I just...god I don't know what to say. Sorry I guess, well, I don't guess. I'm sorry. For everything. I've been a totally asshole latley and I just...I want you to know I'm sorry and um..." the words get caught up in his throat, he wants to say it, but, "...you were right." And then he panics again and hangs up the phone.

"Y/N huh?" Al calls from behind him, having heard the whole thing. Freddie and you have actually kept your little fling a secret from everyone at the lot. This is his first time putting two and two together.

"Yeah...Y/N...I fucked up real bad, dad."

"Okay well, at least you know you fucked up."

"I don't want to lose her, I just...I panicked and I really hurt her."

"Why don't you call her back and tell her that?"

"She's not gonna listen to me." Freddie argues.

"Listen Fred, you can't give up. Not when it comes to someone you really care about. And unless she's told you no, then you can't just roll over everytime. Call her back and leave another message. Tell her how you feel."

"Thanks, dad."

"No problem. Go get em' Tiger." As soon as Al left the room, Freddie called again and left this message:

"Hey, its me, again. Look Y/N, I know that sorry won't fix anything and I can't blame you. I was a real ass. But I...its because you just, do something to me. I can't explain it exactly. But its like you've got a hold on me even when you're not around. Like, all I could do was think about you. And not just sexually, you're not like any other girl. You're...you're smart and sweet and funny and-" he exceeded the time of a voicmail. So he called back. "Me again. Anyways, you're also really sexy in a different way. Like, you're just...so amazing. And that, that scared me. I got scared and I started being a dick and thats no exscuse but thats what happened. And you just really mean so much to me. I really care about you and I just want to be with you because-" Suddenly there was a loud click on the other end. "I love you." He said awkwardly as you listened on the other end. You had picked up the phone on the other end.

"You love me?" You ask after a long pause.

"Y-Yeah...I love you Y/N. And I've never really, been in love before."

"Wow." You gasp.

"So uh...could I take you out sometime?"

"Like...on a date?" You ask, and Freddie chuckles on the other end.

"Yeah, like on a date."

"When?"

"Tomorrow, after work?"

"It can't be to a sleazy bar."

"Right. No sleazy bar. A restaurant, a nice restaurant."

"Okay. Tomorrow. See you then."

"See you then." He smiled.

[spencer-is-too-perfect]

Secrets

I’M BACKKKK! Okay, so, clearly, school is a bitch. School and the fact that I haven’t been feeling well lately made me take a loooong time to update. But here it is! Btw, most of this was written since last Friday. A week and a day ago. I just had to write the final scene and it was hard for me to get time + motivation. But your requests are making me so happy and so inspired! Thank you so much!

Request: Could you write a Luke alvez x reader where the reader is part of the team and had a difficult past but confides in Luke?

Warnings: Mentions of rape, I think that’s it.

Word Count: 1,5K

Pairings: Luke Alvez x Friend! Reader (I didn’t know if you wanted romance or not, so I opted not to make them a couple. I think it fits better the story <3)

“Hey, (y/n)!”

“How are you today, (y/n)?”

“Take care, (y/n).”

“Glad to see you, (y/n).”

Those were the words you heard everyday from your coworker, Luke Alvez.

“Hey, Luke!”

“I’m good, how about you, Luke?”

“You too, Luke.”

“Glad to see you too, Luke.”

This was how you answered.

You were friends. You hung out outside of work, you told things to each other… You were friends.

Becoming close with Luke Alvez seemed like a fairly good idea when you met. You were the two new agents on the BAU. You knew no one. So, while you got closer to the team, you also got closer and closer to each other.

But he didn’t know everything about your life.

He knew most of it. He knew about your experiences in school, he knew about your family… He didn’t know about the most important thing. The thing that gave you goosebumps, that kept you up at night. No one knew about it.

Except for your family and Hotch. Probably Garcia, too. He had your file and she probably had done a background search on you when you entered the BAU. They kept it a secret. And you were so grateful for that.

But the next case would be in Baltimore. And last time you were able to fool everyone and say you were getting nightmares because of the case. But this time, you were going to share a room with Luke. And you were super nervous.

He was your best friend. He would support you if you told him.

But would he? Or would he start to treat you differently?

Best case scenario, he’d start to look at you with pity every case and start treating you like you were made of glass.

You didn’t want that.

And the nervousness didn’t get better when you two entered the room and saw that there was only one bed.

You wouldn’t be comfortable. You knew it. You weren’t comfortable being in Baltimore and you weren’t comfortable sleeping in a bed with someone else. You definitely wouldn’t be comfortable doing both at the same time.

But you decided to do it anyway. If you didn’t you were sure you’d have to explain. If you did, there was a slight chance you wouldn’t have nightmares. Or that you’d stay still having them. It had happened before.

But you’d never divided a bed with a man in Baltimore ever since the worst day of your life.

You had never.

And you would now.

You sighed and asked yourself why had everyone left you alone to sleep with a man.

They don’t know you’re still traumatized, you idiot.

You’d passed your psychological exams. You were cleared. Not even Hotch knew you still had nightmares about it.

“Are you okay?” a voice took you out of your thoughts.

“Yeah, Luke. I’m just a bit tired.”

It’s not like you were afraid of Luke, or something like that. You trusted Luke completely. He’d never do something like that.

You didn’t trust yourself. You didn’t trust yourself to be quiet, to have a peaceful night, to even fall asleep.

“You can take a shower first” Luke offered, taking off his shoes.

“Thank you, Luke” you answered, taking your bag to the bathroom with you.

You quickly locked the door and stripped. You analyzed your naked body. There were no scars. Nothing that could remember you of that day.

Only your mind.

For a moment, you asked yourself if that happened at all. Were you delusional? Were you creating traumatic events? No, you quickly thought. You could remember the feeling of the handcuffs on your wrists too well not to be real.

You slowly sighed. You felt dirty. You entered the shower and turned the water on, after taking your soap inside it.

You scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed, but it seemed like the dirtiness would never get off you. After a while, you just gave up. You shouldn’t be a burden, making Luke wait that much.

You got out of the shower, dried off,  and put on some comfortable clothes. Sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, so you wouldn’t feel triggered for being exposed. Even more.

“I can sleep in the couch, if you’d like” you had told him when you first discovered you’d sleep together. Well, not together. In the same bed.

“Nah, it’s okay” he’d answered. “I mean, if you’re okay with it. I can sleep on the couch if you’re not.”

You’d said he could sleep in the bed with you. Why had you done that? Oh, your idiot need to please everybody, make everybody feel comfortable.

And now there you were, lying down in a bed. You started thinking of anything, anything that wasn’t your past, while Luke was in the shower. You needed to sleep. Since you were tired, it didn’t take long. Your mind drifted off as you closed your eyes.

 You felt some pressure on your waist. A hand. It was trailing down. It touched your sweatpants. No, you couldn’t let whoever was that person do that. You couldn’t. You tried pushing the hand far from you, you tried, but it was stronger. You screamed, “no”. You couldn’t, you couldn’t, you couldn’t…

“(Y/n), (y/n), wake up!” you heard a distant voice.

You needed to hold on to that voice. It was going to pull you out of that nightmare, make it not real.

“Wake up, wake up!” the voice was louder now, it seemed like it was closer.

You suddenly opened your eyes, and you comprehended what you had just done.

You’d had a nightmare. About that day. And you had screamed. In front of Luke. Your coworker, your friend.

“I’m sorry” you apologized as you sat down.

You only realized the tears on your cheeks when Luke wiped them away.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

You didn’t know how to answer, you didn’t know how to feel. Did you want to vent for him? You didn’t know.

Maybe you should. You should explain to him that there was a reason behind that breakdown. You needed to explain yourself.

“Luke, I think I should tell you something…” you said, quietly.

“What is it, (y/n), please, so I can help you?” he asked.

“You can’t help me with that, Luke. I was…” you stopped. You could do this. “I was… I was…” your voice kept trembling, and your hands, shaking. “A man, he… I…” why couldn’t you do this? “Once, here in Baltimore, a man…” you were frustrated. Why didn’t you let yourself finish the sentence?

“A man raped you, is that it?” Luke asked, blatantly. You just nodded, tears falling. “Son of a bitch!” he exclaimed.

“He… He…” your voice was trembling again. You couldn’t let it. “He tied me up in a hotel bed, and…”

You were almost pulling your hair out. And then, suddenly, you just broke down. You hugged Luke, your face on his chest, wetting the T-shirt he was using.

“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay” he whispered, while you held on tighter and let it go, closing your eyes, drifting away from your thoughts again.

Luke watched you as you were asleep, still hugged with him. He wanted to hold onto you like this forever. He wanted to be there with you at all times, he wanted to protect you. But he knew he’d need to let you go. He didn’t want the events of that night to happen again.

He slowly lay you in bed, being careful not to wake you up. Then, he went to the room couch and got comfortable there. He fell asleep fast.

When you woke up the next day, you almost couldn’t figure out why you were so tired. Just after a few seconds wanting to close your eyes again, the events of the night appeared in your head. Luke was already up and dressed for work.

“Morning” he greeted, with his signature smirk.

“Morning” you smiled back, but got serious almost immediately. “Luke, about last night, I–”

“You don’t have to explain, or apologize” he relaxed you. “It’s not your fault, and it’s okay.”

“I was actually going to thank you” you told him, smiling.

“No need to thank either” he chuckled lightly.

You got your clothes and went to the bathroom to shower. After you were ready, you and Luke went down to have breakfast with the rest of the team. You all had solved the case quickly – thanks to loads of coffee – and could go back home in the afternoon.

You were sat down in a seat on the jet. There was an unoccupied seat in front of you, which was quickly taken by Luke.

“Hey” he said, with a little smile.

“Hey” you smiled back.

“I’m sorry about yesterday. You didn’t have to tell me anything. I’m just… I’m sorry” he apologized.

“Luke, don’t be sorry. Look, I didn’t tell you just because that happened and I felt like I needed too” you explained yourself. “I told you because you are my best friend, and I trust you. If I didn’t, I’d just have created a lie. Seriously.”

“Really? You really consider me your best friend and told me that because you trust me?” he asked, his face lighting up.

You smiled at him.

“Of course, you silly!” you chuckled. “Luke, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

[yutasbirthchin]

Hero - Epilogue

Group: Seventeen Member: Vernon Word Count: 2889 Genre: angst/fluff/tear jerking/idk

Prologue/Chapter1/Chapter2/Chapter3/Chapter4/Chapter5/Chapter6

a/n: Sorry it’s been like a month since the last update, I’ve had the worst case of writers block when it came to finishing this, I literally have like 4 other one shots brainstormed and half written that I wrote in the mean time because I really just couldn’t get this chapter right. But here it is finally! The last instalment! Thank y’all for sticking around and reading this whole story. Feel free to drop me an ask and share your opinions  :) 

“Here, Oppa, here! Isn’t it so pretty? It looks like it will serve the best coffee ever!”

Vernon’s eyes scanned the coffee shop. “It’s definitely…err…unique.”

“It’s unique, it stands out, that’s what all businesses should do, stand out from the crowd.”

“Can’t we just go to Starbucks?” He asked, really not trusting the pastel pink shop with ‘Sweet Treats’ printed along the top, it’s shop front decorated with hearts, polka dots and every other ‘cute’ thing under the sun.

“Is it so cute that it’s going to impede on your masculinity?” She fired back. “There’s nothing wrong with cute things.”

“I don’t have a problem with cute things, you’re cute and I tolerate you. But that shop… just for a coffee? I don’t know.”

She smiled. “Oh come on, I let you drag me into boring shops you want to go in. Besides, it’s our first time in America in ages, live a little.”

Before he could respond his she bounded into the shop. He looked longingly at the Starbucks across the road before following her in.

“Hello!” A very cheery man came rushing forward from behind the counter. “I’m Cole, thank you for visiting my lovely little abode, please have a seat.”

“I loooove your shop!” His companion squealed as he took a seat opposite her. “Who designed it?”

“That would be me, my father handed the shop down to me. He certainly was not pleased by my colour scheme or my decorating, he thinks it will drive customers away but I disagree. I mean, if it attracted a gorgeous girl such as yourself, it must be doing well!” He answered back with a wink. Vernon’s blood boiled as he stared at the shop manager, he was too flirtatious for his liking.

The two placed their orders and the man skipped behind the counter, presumably to start making their coffee.

“So where are you guys from?” Cole asked as he placed their drinks and food down.

“We’re from a little town in Korea.” The cute little girl answered. Cole glanced at the guy who didn’t seem to be in the brightest of moods.

“You’re a long way from home then, what brings you here?”

“We have family in America so we came to visit them, glad I did, there aren’t any gems like this where we live, right bro?” Vernon only nodded in response.

Cole laughed in response. “Thank you.” There was something oddly familiar about him, but the ringing of the bell signalling new customers dragged his thoughts away. “Give us a shout if you need anything.” He said with a wink before twisting on his heel.

Vernon couldn’t deny the coffee was good, and the pastries were the best he’d had in a long time. Sophia could tell this just by looking at him, she knew her brother well. “Still wanna go to Starbucks?” She teased.

“Oh shush.”

“This is why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.”

“That saying is overused.”

She smiled as she put the phone down. She’d never mentioned to Vernon where exactly in America she had ended up, not because she didn’t want him to know but because she didn’t see the point, he wasn’t in America… Except now he was. She of course wanted to tell him, she wanted to be able to see him again, to hold him, but she was also scared. What if somehow he’d changed? What if she’d changed so much he didn’t like her anymore? There were so many possibilities. Now he was actually in America she felt bad. She knew he had come to visit relatives, not her, but the fact that he didn’t know where she was made her worry. America isn’t a small country, what if they happened to be on complete opposite sides and wouldn’t be able to even meet once? It would be too disappointing for her to handle.

She looked back at her half-finished essay and scowled. Back to work I guess.

The small cafe had suddenly become fairly busy around 1pm, with only a few empty tables and a queue forming at the counter. When it got this busy, Cole didn’t bother seating customers and taking their orders from the tables, he let them come up to the counter as it was more efficient that way. It did, however, mean that there had to be at least two people serving the counter, and so Youngjin sighed making her way out front. She didn’t mind the job, she actually enjoyed herself. Sure, since Cole had taken over the décor had changed to one she had a love hate relationship with, but the job was just the same and she earned a decent wage to get by whilst in college. What she didn’t like, though, were the times in which she had so much school work to do that she had to bring her laptop into work and write essays when she wasn’t busy. It was too stressful.

When the end of her shift finally came she sat behind her laptop, typing furiously.

“Babe, you know you can’t claim overtime just because you’re still here, right?” Cole joked.

“I know, I just have to finish this paragraph and then I’ll be off.”

“You got any plans tonight? Anything fun?” He asked.

“Yes I have a lovely little date planned with my laptop.” She replied and Cole chuckled.

“I could never be a student, don’t know how on earth you survive. I mean, you rarely ever go out and party and never leave anything last minute yet somehow you’re still always bogged down with work. You need to live a little, we’ve got to get you a boyfriend.”

“I’m always busier because I was dumb enough to take extra classes.” She answered and Cole shook his head.

“You’re really hung up on that guy, aren’t you?”

For the first time since the conversation started, Youngjin looked up from her laptop. “What do you mean?”

“You completely glossed over the last sentence I said, so either you zoned out or ignored it, and judging by your desktop image, I’d guess the latter.” Youngjin acknowledged what he said, but chose not to reply. “Who is he? Your ex? From Korea?” It was a simple answer but for some reason she felt oddly defensive, as though Cole was slowly cracking her open so he could judge her.

The last few years had been tough for her, it’s not easy to forget a past you so desperately want to forget when there’s an aspect of it that you keep so dear to your heart. Vernon. She loved him, she knew she did. And she hadn’t let him go, they still messaged each other almost everyday, but she found it hard to talk about him to other people because it dug up elements of her past that she didn’t want to dig up. People were nosey and wouldn’t be satisfied with a ‘he’s my best friend that I’ve known since we were children’, and she was terrified that she would accidentally let something slip.

After she still hadn’t replied Cole sighed, realising that he had probably overstepped a boundary. “Forget it, babe. I’m sorry.” He didn’t wait for a reply before heading out.

Youngjin sighed and forced the thoughts away, she needed to finish this paragraph before she lost her flow. She was intent on finishing her essay that night. Especially as she had to cover her coworkers shift the next day.

“Hello, hello, annyeonghaseyo.” Cole greeted Vernon and Sophia as they walked in the next morning.

“Good morning!” Sophia beamed. “How did you learn to pronounce that so well?” She asked, pleased that he had remembered they were Korean. Vernon couldn’t really fault him on his customer service.

“Ah, we have a Korean girl who works here and I bugged her until she taught me something. She only taught me hello though, so I can’t converse any further.” He replied.

“How can she only teach you one thing!?”

“She’s not the most talkative, keeps to herself a lot, to be honest I’m surprised she even taught me that.” Cole replied with a laugh. “She’s also almost always doing college work. But anyways, what would you two like this morning?”

When Cole came back with their orders he watched Vernon carefully, he really couldn’t work out what about him was familiar. Vernon, sensing the eyes on him, looked up and narrowed his eyes at the barista. “Why are you staring at me?”

Cole, obviously not realising he had been staring, felt embarrassed. “Oh! No, I uhh.. You just look familiar, really familiar and I don’t know why.” Vernon was confused, he definitely had not seen Cole before this trip and couldn’t think where he could possibly know him from.

“Leonardo DiCaprio! He looks like Leonardo DiCaprio!” Sophia burst out, causing her brother to hide his face in embarrassment.

“Sophia, please.” He whined but the other two just laughed.

“You really do look familiar though, are you sure you haven’t been around here before?”

Vernon shook his head. “No, I really haven-” he was cut off by the sound of the door opening and Cole exclaiming.

“Holy shit.”

“What?” The three other people in the cafe questioned.

Youngjin stared at Cole confused, waiting for an explanation but he stayed silent, not knowing what to say. He’d worked out why the boy looked so familiar, but didn’t know whether or not this would go well, considering Youngjin never wanted to talk about him.

Vernon, who was the only person who couldn’t see the girl who’d just entered, turned in his seat to see if he could work out what was going on. His eyes widened as they locked with those of his old friends.

“Youn- ah shit.” He said as he proceeded to drop his coffee, pouring it all over himself. This seemed to shatter the illusion and everyone jumped to help him clean himself up.

Cole watched the two as Youngjin mopped up the floor and Vernon attempted to clean himself up with the help of his sister. There was no denying that this was the guy pictured as Youngjin’s desktop image, but their interactions weren’t giving anything away. He sighed, deciding to dig; he might get an actual answer seeing as Vernon was there. “So, do I finally get to know what the story is with you two?” He prompted.

Vernon looked up at Cole, clearly confused. “How did you know we know each other?”

“Probably your dramatic scene.” Youngjin teased, gesturing to the area of the floor she had just finished mopping.

“Hey, it was an accident! Who said it had anything to do with you?”

“Wait, you two know each other? How?” Sophia asked.

“Well, if they don’t know each other, Youngjin definitely has some explaining to do. It’s not common to have random strangers as your desktop image.” Cole said and Youngjin’s cheeks immediately flushed.

Vernon looked at her, amused. “I’m your desktop image?”

“Cole! Why woul-”

“Did you miss me that much, Youngjin? So cute!” Vernon teased.

“I swear I could kil-” Youngjin started but stopped herself. “I’m not the one who tried searching for you for ten years because I missed you!” She shot back, and this time Vernon’s cheeks flushed.

“Ten years? Wait! Is this the same noona you had a crush on from elementary school?” Sophia asked, clearly not worried about embarrassing her older brother. Youngjin didn’t say anything, but looked at Vernon with an eyebrow raised.

As embarrassed as he was right now, Vernon wouldn’t change a thing… Well, maybe he would change the coffee stain down his shirt, but other than that he wouldn’t change a thing. He’d noticed a slight change in his best friend over the last two years, but this was the first time seeing the new confident, sassy Youngjin in person and he loved it. He turned to Cole. “We’ve been best friends for nearly thirteen years.”

“Friends, huh?” Cole questioned with an eyebrow raised. “How friendly are we talking?”

Youngjin chuckled and rolled her eyes. “Why ask if the answer is blatantly obvious?” She was about to continue when Sophia spoke instead, sending a cold chill down her spine.

“I thought her name was Younghee or something?”

Vernon watched the panic set in on his Noona’s face. “Younghee, Youngjin.” He said, surprising himself with how quickly and naturally the lie came. “I got the names confused.”

“Wow, you guys made it sound like you had some really cute hidden love story but it turns out he couldn’t even remember your name.” Cole laughed.

“In my defence I hadn’t seen her in ten years, and I was only seven when I last saw her.” Vernon replied.

“I’m sorry about Sophia.” Vernon said breaking their silence.

Youngjin rested her head on Vernon’s shoulder and looked out across the lake. “Thank you, you saved me back there.”

He reached for her hand, gripping it in his. “You shouldn’t worry yourself so much.”

“But that’s literally my biggest fear. If someone asks about me and I give too much away, or they get suspicions, or I can’t answer a question because I don’t want to give anything away, or-”

Vernon pulled back from her slightly, forcing her to sit up and look at him. “I think you’re doing more damage to yourself worrying about it than you would actually do if you just let it go and spoke freely. You don’t even really have to lie. Why can you speak so many languages? Because you had a lot of free time when you were younger and you got bored. Why did you have so much free time? Because your dad was really protective over you and didn’t trust the world… And because you dropped out of school after you dad died. How are you so good at martial arts? Your dad taught you. Why did you move to America? Because you wanted a fresh start and to get away from the bad memories you had in Korea. It’s really not as hard as you think it is.”

“But what if they ask me about Younghee or Ong?”

“There’s no reason for them to ask about that. Also, you’re in America, no one here would even know about that story. There’s nothing linking you to them.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You’re the link, what if they ask about you?”

“I’m your childhood friend, we’ve known each other for ages, et cetera et cetera.”

“Am I really just overthinking everything?”

“Yeah.” He replied, bringing his free hand up to her cheek and cupping it. “I get it, you just want to live your life and you’re worried about your past, but there’s literally no reason for anyone to probe so far that they find anything out. Stop letting your past rule your life.”

Youngjin stayed silent for a minute, staring off into space, but then she laughed to herself before meeting his eyes again. “I’m your Noona but why does it always feel like you’re the older one?”

“Jinnie I literally spilt my coffee all over me when I saw you.” He said with a laugh. “I can talk you out of your worries but I’m definitely no more mature or composed as you.”

She blushed at the nickname, hearing it for the first time in person. And then she surprised herself. “I love you, Vernon.”

Now it was his turn to blush, as she had well and truly caught him off guard. He couldn’t have controlled the smile that appeared on his face if he tried.

Vernon leant forward and pressed his lips against hers in a sweet gentle kiss. They both jumped at the loud bang and turned to look across the lake at the firework that had just interrupted them.

“And here I was thinking the whole firework thing was just an expression.” Youngjin joked. “Why are they even letting of fireworks? It’s not the 4th of July.”

Vernon watched the way the light from the fireworks shone against Youngjin’s face and smiled to himself. “I love you too.” He said, drawing her attention back to him before he kissed her again.

“Hey, Vernon?” Youngjin started as they pulled away.

“Yeah?”

“I really wish you didn’t have to go back to Korea.” She said, a slight frown playing on her features. Vernon smiled, wrapping an arm around her shoulder as he turned to face the lake once again. Youngjin narrowed her eyes at him. “What?”

“You really love me that much, huh?” He teased.

“Oh come on, don’t tease me! I’m actually sad thinking about you leaving.”

“It’s only fair isn’t it? You left me twice.”

“I take it back, I don’t love you, I hate you.”

Vernon let out a loud laugh. “You can’t lie to me, Jinnie.” He laughed louder when he looked at the expression on her face. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

“Then how much longer are you here for, Vernon?”

“Well, Sophia and my parents are flying back next Sunday.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “You aren’t going with them?”

He shook his head in response. “This was a goodbye trip.”

“What do you mean?”

“You dummy.” He laughed as he pressed a light kiss to her forehead. “I only brought a one way ticket.”

[steamishot]

Habits

I’ve been making some lifestyle changes lately. Most, if not all my life, I’ve done things in a rush. I tend to value speed (maybe because I find the task more challenging and more fun if I race against time lol) when I complete tasks, and I realize I’ve been quite unaware that I do this. Little everyday things, like getting ready in the morning, taking a shower, peeing, washing my hair, combing my hair, applying lotion, blow drying my hair- I realize I rush through it and just hope I show up presentable. I wasn’t that aware until Matt pointed it out a few times, and I realize it when I’m on a trip with a few other girls and how quickly I’m able to get ready and how little effort I put in. I’ve been taking small but promising changes towards self-care. I’m slowing down during the shower and enjoying my time there more instead of viewing it as task that I just wanna get over with (kinda like how I view washing dishes or doing laundry). In a sense, I’m learning to embrace my feminine side and be okay with the time and effort I spend on myself. I only get one face and body in this lifetime after all.

I’m also translating this onto my hobbies/work out goals. In the past, I’ve focused on results, and wanted results quick. I would work extra hard in the beginning and then burn myself out and then stop altogether. I’ve been listening to a podcast called GeniusBrain. The hosts are Asian American youtube entertainers, and I think they provide a lot of good life advice and insight, while presenting it in a way that is authentic and funny. In one episode, as they talked about fitness, they mentioned that it is very common for people who are new to working out to want to see results quickly. And they described the same thing I went through multiple times. Their advice for someone who was completely sedentary and wanted to become more active was – JUST START WALKING EVERYDAY. Easy enough goal right? I only realized that more important to having big goals was the ability to be disciplined and form habits. My work out endeavors in the past didn’t really work for me, in hindsight, because the routine was too complex for me to absorb. I would follow youtube videos with weight training and cardio, but without the videos, I was at a loss. Maybe around Fall 2019, I started doing a mile run after work. I remember taking like 13 minutes to run a mile, but being so out of breath and lightheaded after I completed it.

In December, I made a goal to do 10k steps at least 5x/week. This is easy to accomplish during a workday, but I don’t track it as much during the weekend. I’ve consistently been taking my two breaks each work day to walk, and my body has significant improvements. Most days (excluding the days when I’m super exhausted from lack of sleep and/or traveling) I run 2+ miles on a treadmill at home. If I have a hours of free time over the weekend, I’ll do 5 miles. This is mindless, as I don’t have to think too much about following a youtube video, but instead I get to run while watching a show, which makes exercising much more bearable and fun. Now when I get home and don’t work out, my body feels weird and craves a workout. I’m happy to have formed a habit!!! I didn’t even run this much when I “trained” for a half marathon a few years ago. I eventually want to incorporate this ten minute muscle toning work out into my routine, but I’ll wait until my running habit has really developed. But my lesson is, doing less consistently is actually more in the long run.

This is the same with drawing. It helps when I am drawing things for other people, as it holds me accountable. At the same time, it is much more fulfilling to draw for a purpose – to bring joy to others. I know that I try harder when I’m drawing for other people than for myself. It’s only been a few weeks so far, but I’ve been drawing more consistently than I ever have since like high school. I think as an adult, hobbies can easily be seen as a waste of time if you’re not it for some monetary or health value, at least IMO. But I think illustration is a valuable skill in the design world, and it’s something I can add to my portfolio. In any case, I think doing something/building on any skill is better than not doing anything at all.

Notable events-

My bro and wife just bought a pretty expensive house in Gardena. They will probably move into it the end of the month. It is by far the nicest/biggest house in our family and they were able to do it with their parents’ help (mostly her parents). There was a joke that Trevor Noah did, about what college degree is the most useful- and the answer is rich/successful parents. I am happy for them. At the same time, I feel like there was no struggle on their part, but kinda leeching off parents. Her parents are still fairly young, so I don’t mind too much, but I get sad seeing that my parents are getting old, and they sacrifice so much just for their child to have a less stressful life. I am happy to know that my parents give what they can “for the next generation”, but they also have firm boundaries.

My grandma has 7 kids, and some send her money every month. Lately, my grandma has been giving me more money than before. She always wants to pay when we eat out, and gives me money every time I go on trips. I used to be uncomfortable accepting it, and always declined it. But now, I understand that it makes her happy that I accept her support. So now I just take it and say thank you. In my perspective, I think she thinks her time left is limited, so she’d rather “invest” in me because it’s more worthwhile.

Also, my SIL told my mom she’s pregnant.

I am leaving to NYC tomorrow! The more I go, the less ideas I have of what to do when planning out our itinerary, but I am just excited to be able to cuddle and give each other tight hugs and be there physically with each other. We had one of our worst fights over the weekend, and it spanned like 4 days, just because our free time doesn’t overlap enough to finish arguing lol. It is funny but it also is a really sucky feeling, because we both end up going to sleep upset and can’t talk about it until after work the next day. I am trying to make light of it now, but I felt pretty depressed going through it. Deep breathing helped. 

I want to document this so I can remember in the future - what happened was during/after night shifts, he just never “bounced back”. I stayed getting not as much attention (which may be the normal amount of communication in some LDRs, but it was a drastic change for me, perhaps because he used to spoil me before). We barely texted, barely got to talk in depth, and he was learning to be more efficient with his time and have more self-care (sleeping early, unwinding more, drinking less coffee) that he came off cold and distant to me. I accepted it as the norm during night shift, but was expecting that he return to “normal” afterwards. Anyway, because I was already in an insecure state of mind due to the perceived difference in behavior, I took it really personally when I was trying to plan out moving in together and he couldn’t give me an estimated timeline. I started feeling like he had some reservations about me that was preventing us from moving forward. His explanation was that - he doesn’t know what program he will be going to (will find out if he gets in on Match day), and doesn’t want to plan ahead because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. I didn’t understand this, because to me I was just talking hypothetically. However, I didn’t really consider how emotionally heavy Match day could be to him. He did work very hard for a decade to get where he is at, and his future is still not guaranteed. So, even though I feel like my life is “on hold”, I can be patient and wait another month to find out. 

Got a pap smear done yesterday. 

Work updates: there was a period of time when things were quite slow for me. I noted in a blog post about how guilty I was feeling, and how odd I felt around my supervisor. I tended to hide in my room and not interact with my supervisor. Thankfully, work is picking up as we are preparing for the incoming and terminating housestaff. I’ve been making a bigger effort to build relationships with people, and interact more with my supervisor.

Edit: these days feel pretty sucky to me. I think I’ve been extra lonely because my best hometown girlfriend has a boyfriend now, and we barely hang out anymore. Although in the grand scheme of things, I am very fortunate. I told my coworkers I was going to NYC this weekend, and one of them responded, “you’re so lucky!”. These days have been more challenging, with more questions of “is it worth it to put up with this relationship” as I’m feeling pretty neglected and unhappy. But I know it’s the combination of things - feeling stagnant with my life, not as challenged at work (although work is sometimes quite enjoyable), not having my close friend around a lot, etc. 

Sometimes I look at how my bro and his wife just lounge and relax and go out on dates. And I think about how that different that is from my life with Matt. Everything between us is fast paced, we are always on the go, and tired. Today, I received notice that I got a speeding ticket in NOLA. I also received a fine from the car rental company. Driving there was stressful and tiring already. I was also a bit salty that I drove the entire trip, and no one offered to help out. This is my first ever speeding ticket and I’d hate to have to pay it fully. This news made me feel shittier. I tried to think of positive things, like that I randomly received a tax refund from 2016, and the check would cover my tickets almost exactly. And another positive thing was that I forgot my iPad on the plane and was able to get it back. Lastly, if these are the things I am sad about, then I have it pretty good. 

Second edit: I realize I feel better when I talk to friends/acquaintances/work friends about things. It helps put my situation into perspective. I was feeling like a victim regarding my parking ticket, but $140 isn’t bad compared to the $300-500 speeding tickets in LA. My work mom just laughed at me saying, you? speeding ticket? HAHAHA congratulations. It reminds me that I do take my life too seriously sometimes. My friends on the trip are also “donating” to this cause, so it also takes the load off and I appreciate it a lot. 

[vibrant-goddess]

yeah im drinking a bit at 130am i have to be at work in five hours but im SAD and i hate my coworkers and im gonna stay up and feel like shit all week so you know fuck it im gonna bitch about it on main bc im tired of giving a fuck about what people think of me and im not putting it under the cut because i seriously dont fucking care

i shoulda bought more cigarillosi havent fucking smoked in seven years like my parents found my cigars when i was a baby adult and yelled at me so i tossed them and never looked back

except now i live on my own in a tiny shitty room that is cheap enough for me to pay off my student loans real fucking fast living with two extremely adorable dogs(they’re my roommates) who dont like being petted so what even are they good for except dragging in dead animals all the fucking time and leaving hair everywhere literally i had to stop baking for my coworkers because no matter how clean i was i ALWAYS FOUND MORE FUCKING FUR but its fine because i don’t like these coworkers anyways

like i know i work in tech but what are the fucking chances that my team would be four white blonde guys(at least two are blue eyed) in their early thirties and then me like what the FUCK and i still have two more months with these fuckers. i have to figure out how to survive eight more weeks with these people who don’t like or respect me. i feel like a goddamn token minority hire and it makes me want to quit. like, just straight up two weeks notice i don’t give a FUCK about completing the rest of my work i don’t give a FUCK about helping this team i don’t give a FUCK about this work assignment my coworkers are so fucking dismissive and passive aggressive AT BEST and whiny turds at worst. i hate coming in at 630 and leaving at 345 without taking a lunch so my work has gotten like 10 extra hours of work for me thats literally, after tax, another student loan payment.

im so fucking miserable here. this town is so fucking small. theres nothing to do here except spend twenty dollars to go to tea except i have to do it myself bcause i dont know how to fucking interact wioth people

and then i thought this month oh ill try to get people i like together for halloween movies at my house except my house is a disaster because my roommate doesnt know how to fucking clean her shit up

literally her dogs shit on the couch and she took hours to do a half assed job of cleaning up. i cleaned the table, the kitchen, the floors, everything, and within two weeks she covered the newly cleaned surfaces with her shit. and like, its like pulling teeth to even get her to move her shit from the dryer after a MONTH so i know any sort of cleaning isn;t going to get done by her

like i thought leaving my parents house would make things so much better i thought the distance would allow me to finally live like an adult, but im essentially living the same fucking life, overextended by my responsibilities, depressed to the point of ideation, too anxious to talk to anyone, except now i have quadruple the bills, still no fucking s/o because apparently im totally unfuckable like even this fucking loser from target ghosted me, and my parents passive aggressively text me everyday because i don’t update them all the time on my THRILLING life that consists of a nine hour work day, three hours of studying for a professional exam that my work won’t pay for, and two hours of costume shit based on a character in a game series i don’t even fucking like for a party im not even going to attend 

and like the obvious answer is drop the costume shit, block your parents for a couple weeks, and go to therapy. i hurried i RUSHED to get my own health insurance so i could finally finally get therapy, only to find out that if my work finds out im getting therapy theyll block any chance at promotion and in this small shitty town there are ten total therapists in a sixty mile radius, only two of which specialize in the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) except one is a dude and the other does christian counseling and i fucking refuse to interact with religion i dropped any pretense of religion four years ago and im not fucking going back and if you even FUCKING mention it to me i stg so i guess i have to take my chances with the dude

god i dont want to go to work tomorrow but ive p consistently taken a day off every two weeks and im trying to save up my leave for when i want to just fucking ditch out for a week next year after i pay off my student loans

like EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER ONCE I MOVED. i told myself oh everything will be better once i transfer except it wasnt i got even more stressed and felt more pressure. i told myself oh everything will be bettwe once i graduate except not only was it not but i hit the worst period of my life after graduating i couldn’t socialize i couldn’t speak i just laid on the floor of my childhood room crying and cutting myself because i couldn’t functgion because life didnt have purpose anymore. i told myself oh everything will be better once i move out once im away from the environment tht made me sick BUT GUESS WHAT TUMBLR the FUCKING ENVIRONMENT THAT MADE ME SICK WAS ME. GUESS WHAT I’M THE TOXIC PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. GUESS WHAT YOU CAN’T RUN AWA FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN.

im so fucking tired of trying im so tired of waiting for things to get better i keep trying things i did cbt on my own for months and it did nothing i drank a lot for a month and it did nothing but make me pee a lot i smoked again and it didn’t help i start cutting again and it did nothing like the only vice i have is eating except to pay off my student loans asap my food budget got stripped so i cant even do that and im just. im so fucking tired of this. im tired of throwing money at my student loan app. im tired of having no room besides my bed so i have to cut fabric while laying under my bed because there no room for me and my cutting mat. im tired of spending every weekend studying my fe study materials for an exam to get a certification my work doesn’t care about whatsoever. im tired of not feeling excited about anything. this is usually my favorite month of the year and i havent done a single fall activity. i dont know why the only person in this stupid city who likes me is the dude who realized im the only single black girl in the city and therefore has decided to make it his mission to try to wear me down so he can fuck me. im tired of working in a team where i have to be the voice of all women all black people and all queer people. im tired of having to either report my comings and goings to my parents from two hundred miles away when they don’t pay for any of my shit(in fact, i pay for some of their shit and they still demand updates like they’re entitled to my fucking life) hold on im getting another drink

and like if i want to even be considered one of the team i have to perform to perfection better than the other fuckers on the team whic means i have to show up before the earliest arriver and leave after my boss leaves and i still gotta do all my personal shit and i cant take a lunch and im UFKCKING SICK OF IT. the other team in our open office is a million times more diverse, they actually communicate and discuss shit. their boss is a woman and they occasionally have women on their team on assignment. they spent an hour debating and charting pizza topping preferences so they could order pizza together. meanwhile, my team cant even be assed to actually ask me a question. 

i dont fucking want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to fucking go back to this team ever again. my boss offered me a permanent position and i didnt know how to tell him that i hate this team and i cant wait to leave and mute the team server forever and if my next assignment didnt require an additional security thing(DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE NEVER STEPPED OUT OF LINE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I HAD GOOD HS ATTENDANCE I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS I GOT A FUCKING NATIONAL AWARD I VOLUNTEERED WITH A CHRISTIAN CHURCH I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS AND STUDENT ORGS IN COLLEGE I DIDNT DRINK A SIP OF ALCOHOL UNTIL I WAS 21 I DIDN’T SMOKE UNTIL I WAS 18 I NEVER TRIED ANY DRUGS NOT EVEN WEED IN FACT THE MOMENT DRUGS WERE PRESENT IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLES I LEFT THOSE SOCIAL CIRCLES AND NEVER LOOKED BACK I NEVER COMMITTED ANY CRIMES I NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO DID CRIMES IVE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY AS AN ADULT I LITERALLY HAVE THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE WHO SPENT 25 YEARS SITTING IN A ROOM EATING SALTINES AND STARING AT A WALL UNTIL I STARTED WORKING) that is taking fucking forever despite my perfect background i would have left this assignment early AND i would have given them excellent documentation when i went.

im so fucking tired. im tired of everything.

[rkarim360]

Close To You

It was a cold winter’s afternoon in the countryside. We take a closer look at the house right next to the park. Inside there is a gathering of friends, old and new, to watch some football and celebrate the upcoming Christmas holidays together. We go one step further and find one man, sitting alone in his thoughts on this gleeful occasion. His mind a blur, his thoughts stirring in his head, but not of christmas trees and decorations, but of regrets, past mistakes, loneliness, and what seems to be the lack of any substantial emotion. These might be thoughts that his friends and coworkers once shared with him, but as he closes in on himself and becomes a tightly wound book of secrets they will never know the troubles that he finds himself facing. The fire-breathing dragons of remorse and regret and the other demons that lay beneath his subconscious. But after dealing with these demons for years and still standing, he has managed to perfect a visage that will protect his true emotions from those he loves. Let us take a closer look into his psyche during this happy occasion, because tonight is about to change his life forever.

*ominous music begins to play as the view shifts from an overview of the gathering to inside the mind of Rahim as we begin to see everything through his eyes*

He’s all alone! The 30! The 20!! The 10!!! Touchdooooown!!!!!!!

Half of them erupted into cheers, the other half into sneers. They prodded and poked fun at one another, the winners laughed at the losers and the losers came up with excuses for their team’s poor performance. I was in my own little world for a minute there, i wasn’t really paying attention to the game at all. I mean, i usually love to watch football, but recently my heart just hasn’t been in it. I look at my best friends bouncing on the couch and laughing at the girls and guys cheering for the losers. Then he looked at me and i gave a disingenuous and pointed back at him like “YEAH our team is winning and shit”. He was so caught up in the hype that he bought it. Funny thing is, that the game was only in the 3rd quarter, so it could easily go either way at any point. But you gotta get hype at all times to have more fun watching right.

I took out my phone and turned it on. 0 messages. 0 updates. It was dry as hell. So i stuffed it back in my pocket and continued to sit against the wall close to the sofa. I took a deep breath and decided that i need to start enjoying these moments, because it’s not everyday that i get to spend time with all of my best friends from University. Like we all live at different ends of the country. I got to enjoy the little time we have together. So i gave myself this stupid shitty pep talk in hopes that it would pick up my mood, and even though i felt like i was faking it i started to act like i had my shit together. I started to actually participate in getting hype as hell for the game and my anxieties and stress all actually decided to take a backseat for a little while. It was fantastic. I was actually enjoying myself and goofing around and stuff.

It was all going great until at the end of the 3rd quarter. There was this girl sitting on the sofa opposite to my best friend. I hadn’t even noticed her this entire time, but she stood up and looked at me and said “Hey Rahim, you wanna help me make a drink?” I was shocked, i wasnt even sure i knew who this girl was, and i was stunned for a few seconds as she looked over at me invitingly. My best friend’s eyes got wide and he slyly gestured that i go and join her, and with each nod he made it slightly more obvious as if he was whispering in my ear “Damn dude, she’s cute go join her already”.

“Uh, yeah sure” i stammered as i walked over to the dinner table. We sat down and i stared at the wide array of alcoholic drinks as she began to grab and mix drinks as if she was a bartender in her past life. I noticed her silky black hair draped over one shoulder and her glowing tan skin began to shine in the light. She was gorgeous, with her deep brown eyes that were inviting, yet kind.

“Do you want me to make you one?” She said. Wait, what the hell, we sat down like 30 seconds ago and she’s already crafted this dope looking christmas drink.

“No thanks, i don’t drink”

“Oh, i didn’t know that! That’s pretty cool.” She said as she smiled at me. And i swear i could feel the whole room light up.

But then it all stopped. She sat there sipping on her drink, and i could feel my mouth being forced shut as my anxieties started to trickle back into my mind and i couldn’t think of anything to say. All i could think about was, If you put a penguin in a tuxedo would you be able to tell it apart from other penguins? Fuck. It’s fucking happening again. I’m with this girl that is breathtaking, she may be interested in me and i can’t for the fucking life of me think of anything to say.

I made a grumbling sound as i was physically frustrated at my inability to carry a conversation with this cute girl. Then it started to take over. My vision started to disfigure. It’s as if i was losing reception on everything i saw before me. Like a tv that is slowly transitioning to white sound. And all i could hear echoing in the depths of my mind was wow, i don’t even have any game in my own fucking dreams… I started rapidly looking around the room and blinking to restore my sight. I probably looked like a complete moron, so i started to brush my eyes with my hands as if i just yawned.

“Is everything okay? You seem a little quiet” she softly spoke with her elegant voice.

“What? Uh, yeah, everything’s totally fine. Um…” I looked behind her and saw the streetlight shining out in the night lighting up the light snowfall. It was a picturesque scene and before i could even process it i blurted “you want to go outside? Uh, um, i mean do you want to got to the park and, like, walk around or something? It’s up to you” as the words just fell out of my mouth, all jumbled up and filled with anxiety.

“Yeah sure!” She accepted in a cheerful tone. She got up and grabbed my hand as we quietly made our way outside.

The park looked beautiful, there was a single street light glowing onto the snow below and it’s reflection cast a shimmering light. I was entirely caught up in the moment. It was spectacular. One moment we went from quietly drinking, or me watching her quietly drink (boy if i had a dollar for everytime that has happened), to us walking through the snow hand in hand. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how i even got into this scenario in the first place. It was magnificent.

I stopped her underneath the street light and looked at her straight in her beautiful eyes. “Wait” i said as i took a deep breath and began to dig deep. “I’m sorry i’m super quiet and shy…” And as i was talking i could feel a rush of memories flow back into my mind like a wild riptide. I remembered the first time we met, and how i could feel an instant connection. How it was love at first sight, at least from my point of view. How i could never get her out of my mind for weeks, especially during the times that we were never with the same group of people. She was constantly the only girl i thought about and how this moment was the perfect one for me to tell her how i felt.

“… I really like you. I always have, and i never knew how to tell you, or that you would even think about feeling the same way that i do. But, I said it and i mean it. You’re constantly on my mind, but i don’t know how to act around you. I just get so — ” While i was stammering out my feelings mixed with plenty of filler um’s and uh’s she pulled me close and kissed me. It was magnificent. I could feel the entire world light up for those few seconds. It’s as if i could feel the love radiate off of me in flowing pink embers spreading love out to the world. The whole world stopped for a second while i relished in this moment that i wished could last forever. We pulled back, hand in hand and just stared at each other for a full second until she broke the silence.

“I feel the same way about you”. She gave off an adorable shy smile and i had a big goofy grin spread all across my goofy face as my heart was pounding and singing us a love song.

But before we could continue to just spend an eternity staring into each others eyes, a blurry white puff came out of nowhere and smacked me right on the shoulder. It exploded and sent bits and pieces of snow all over the two of us.

“Sorry to ruin the moment but i couldn’t have timed it any better. Wow! If only i got you in the face!” my best friend yelled out as he bent down to pick up some more snow.

“Get behind me!” I yelled in a confident and manly tone i had never used before “i’ll save us!” as it broke into a comical farce of a superhero catchphrase. I shielded her behind me as we laughed out and everyone joined us outside after hearing all of the commotion. We started hurling snowballs at everyone else. It was the two of us against the world. I would purposely jump in the way of any snowball that came towards us to shield her and we both started hurling snowballs at everyone else while yelling crude insults and laughing loudly.

After the snowball fight subsided everyone just stood in their own groups chatting and fooling around in the snow. But i stood right in front of her locked into that stare we shared earlier. This time i leaned in for the kiss and lifted her up in the air. It was like a movie scene, i could feel the camera spin around us as we locked into a kiss that lasted forever. It was eternal, it didn’t feel like this kiss would ever end. It was just as beautiful as the first and just as lovely. I could once again feel the love being spread from us to everyone in the world. Our bond was unmatched, i really did feel like it was love at first sight. We kissed for what seemed like forever, i could feel the years gracefully slip by as i pictured our lives together, our wedding, house, kids and everything in between. Until the kiss ended. The picture i had in my mind slowly started to drip away as i was reminded that i was currently living the greatest moment of my life so far.

After staring into each others eyes she looked at me with a cute gaze. Took a deep breath and softly said “I…”

The vision evaporated from my mind as i woke up in my bed surrounded by my dogs and the sunlight beaming through my bedroom window. It was all a dream. It was all a fucking dream. I thought to myself, as it fucking happened again. I dropped back down onto my pillow and shut my eyes tightly. I tried to replay all of the memories that i had left of that dream. But every time i looked at her i saw nothing. Her gorgeous face and features had been wiped clean. I could not remember for the life of me what she has looked like. The face that had captivated my dream goes missing. It had disappeared from my subconscious and i had woken up completely broken. Not just the fact that this love i thought i experienced was all a fucking sham. But even the fact that this mystery woman that completely controlled my thoughts and made me feel happy once again. She entranced me with her alluring attraction and adorable demeanour but i could not figure out how. I felt the spark between us for some reason, but many moments of the dream are just black holes ripped from the script. Only to be rewritten by the only man who lived them, if you could even call it living, or experiencing. I tried my best to piece together what i can remember. But for the life of me i cannot figure out what about this mystery woman captivated me like this. Was it her looks? Because i cannot picture them. Was it our conversation? Because i cannot remember any of the words we shared together. All i remember is the passionate kisses. The one’s that i wish would never end. 

But that really is kinda how i feel about this whole thing. As if i was betrayed by my mind, or left to wander the earth alone unable to recapture this feeling. And it’s not the first time it’s happened either.

[samwinlover-blog]

Through Thick and Thin P3

Part One Here Part Two Here 

Pairing: Sam x Reader  Characters: Sam, the Reader, Dean  Warnings: a little bit of angst, fluff, swearing, embarassed!reader, protective!sam  Word count: 1966 Summary: Sam tries to explain his world to the reader. And, when she’s heard it all, the reader makes a shocking decision.  Tag list: @amanda-teaches  @myplaceofthingsilove  @spectaculicious@bambinovak @bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@padackles2010 @mamaredd123@milkymilky-cocopuff @iwantthedean@zeppo-in-a-trenchcoat @spntrista @d-s-winchester@just-another-busy-fangirl@winchesterprincessbride@waywardjoy@supernaturalyobsessed@whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname@sandlee44@fangirl1802@kittenofdoomage @evyiione @winchestersmut@purgatoan@mogaruke @therewillbeblood @megansescape @taste-of-dean@leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid  @scarlet-soldier-in-an-impala@deathtonormalcy56@wildfirewinchester @notnaturalanahi@jensen-jarpad@impalaimagining@fangirlextraordinaire@itseverythingilike@jesspfly@lovekittykat21@mysteriouslyme81@mrswhozeewhatsis@aiaranradnay@supernatural-jackles@girl-next-door-writes@spnsasha@27bmm@spnfanficpond @amanda-teaches@myplaceofthingsilove@spectaculicious@bambinovak@writingthingsisdifficult@spn-imagines-to-feel@spn-ficfanatic@cleverdame@saxxxology@jensen-jarpad @keepcalmandcarryondean dancingpanda137 A/N: This is set somewhere in season 5! And part three of a request by @behindfairies :) 

Masterlist Here!

You and Sam talked for hours. He told you everything about his world, monsters, angels, demons, everything. And by the time he was done you were speechless. Utterly stunned. You almost didn’t believe him, but then you flashed back to the man from before. Crowley was his name. He had appeared out of thin air and then disappeared with the snap of his fingers, and he’d been a demon. The one thing you didn’t understand was why Sam hadn’t killed him then and there, if that was what he did for a living. Sam tried to explain it to you, that it wasn’t just black and white- there were a lot of grey areas. But you didn’t fully understand, and didn’t think you ever would. By the time Sam had finished talking and you’d gotten over your initial speechlessness, you’d made a  decision. 

You wanted to be a hunter. 

You knew it was rash, and probably insane. You were a librarian for god’s sake, you spent your days putting away books and updating the library’s website. You weren’t cut out to hunt monsters like your boyfriend was. But, the more he talked about it, about the life, all you wanted to do was join him. You hadn’t told him this earlier, but recently you had been a little lost. You’d thought back on college, and all of the things you had wanted to do. Never did you ever think you’d move 15 minutes away from home, stay in the same town you’d always lived in, and become a librarian. Yes, you loved books and that would never change, but you wanted something more. 

You wanted to be a hunter.  

But you were hesitant to tell Sam; you didn’t know how he was going to react. What if he laughed? What if he just sat there, laughing, and told you you didn’t have what it took? Every timid thing you’d ever done came flooding to the surface. You remembered it all, like it was your minds attempt to you discourage you from bringing it up to Sam. All those times you’d been too shy to tell groups of kids at the library to quiet down, all those times you’d asked a coworker to do it for you. You remembered every single coffee order the barista had screwed up, and how you’d just blushed and drank in anyway- avoiding the conflict. But it didn’t work, you still couldn’t get it out of your mind. So you decided to say something to Sam. 

Easing into it was no way to bring it up, because it wasn’t something that would happen slowly or easily. So, you decided to just blurt it out, to say what you wanted and be blunt in doing so, “I-I want to do what you do.” 

Sam’s head snapped up, a look of worry so clearly written across his face, “No, no you don’t.” 

His voice was scared, panicked even, as if that was the last thing he’d expected you to say. You shifted uncomfortably from where you were sitting on the bed, not knowing what to say next. Sam was sitting next to you, his weight causing the mattress to sag, and had been there for most of the night. The two of you had stayed up talking for hours and now the clock read 3 AM, but you weren’t tired. You felt as though you’d just been woken up, like you’d been asleep all of those years you were content with your quaint little life. 

“Yeah, I do, I want to. I know it’s not gonna be easy, Sam, but I want to try it.” You perked up, taking his hands in your own and praying he’d say okay. 

“(Y/N), you don’t, trust me. A person can’t see half the shit I’ve seen and still sleep at night, I don’t want you turning into me or Dean.”  

The way he looked at you, it made your face burn with shame. You’d never seen him more terrified, throughout all the years you’d known him, he’d never looked at you like this before. Fear, pure terror was written so clearly across his face. And then it all made sense. All of the times he’d been secretive, hiding even the slightest details from you. All the times he’d been insanely protective, always shielding you from the smallest of dangers. He didn’t want you to become a hunter, or anywhere close to it. The look on his face alone told you enough. You being threatened, being in danger everyday as all hunters were, it was one of the only things that truly scared him. 

“Sam, it’s not fair though. It’s not fair that I know about everything and I’m not doing anything about it, I can’t just sit on my hand when I know.” You spoke up, trying to make him see your side, desperately trying to get him on board. 

“(Y/N), please.” His eyes glanced away from yours, fixating on the mattress below. 

And he still couldn’t face you as he said the next part very quietly, “I didn’t tell you so you could join me. I told you because I needed you to know who I really was, not because I wanted you to be a hunter too.” 

His voice was barely a whisper, and you tried to conceal how much it crushed you to hear him say the words. You wanted to join him, it seemed like the best possible outcome. The two of you could be together all the time, traveling around across the country and doing good. Never again would you have to wait, wearily, by the phone expecting a call from him that was 30 minutes late. Never again would he have to apologize for how little he was around, how frequently he left you alone. And, never again, would he have to keep things from you. 

But then another realization came crashing down on you, what if he didn’t want that level of commitment? What if he’d kept you in the dark for so long not only for your own protection, but because he liked the way things were? Because he liked having a girlfriend only half of the time, because he liked having someone waiting for him when he needed them. 

“Why don’t you want me there with you?” You tried to conceal your insecurity, but probably failed- Sam could read you like a book. 

“it’s not that, don’t think that for a second it’s because of that.” His voice darkened, trying to make it very clear what you were thinking wasn’t the case. 

You let out a breath, still not fully believing him, before whispering,“Then why?” 

“Because...(Y/N)....I’ve seen a lot of shit in my life. I didn’t have a childhood, I didn’t have a mother, and now I don’t have a father. Everyone I’ve ever loved has been taken from me by this life, all my friends and all my family- except Dean and....you. You don’t understand it yet, but, (Y/N), I’m not a good person. This life has turned me into someone I never wanted to be, and that can’t happen to you. I can’t be the one that let’s it happen to you...” His voice trailed off and he still refused to look at you. 

Sam had inched away, leaving too much space between the two of you. You didn’t want him to pull away and leave you in the dark again, so you decided you wouldn’t let him. Reaching through the blankets, you took his hand in your own and cupped his face with your other one. His stubble scratched your palm as you pressed it into his cheek, you needed him to hear your words and understand them. 

“Sam, you’re not a bad person. You’re right though, I don’t know everything, and that’s because you haven’t told me everything. But I do know that you’re a good man, and I’ve known that since the day I met you. So, tell me the good and the bad, and tell me all of it. Tell me everything you’ve done that makes you think you’re a bad guy. It’s okay, I’m not made of china and I’m not going to break, see?” You put his hand to your face and held it there, showing him the flesh and bone you were made of. Trying to convince him that it was alright, that you weren’t going to run away. 

He sighed and started rubbing circles with his thumb, his callouses rough against the smooth skin of your cheek. He sucked in a sharp breath before responding, “Okay,” and launching into the story of his life. 

Neither of you got any sleep that night, but you didn’t mind. He’d spent the long hours telling you everything, from the yellow eyed demon to the angel, Castiel. And when he was done, again, you were speechless. You looked over and saw that the clock read 8 AM, you were going to be late for work. But, for the first time in a while, you didn’t care. Everything that Sam had told you had woken you up even more so than before. Now more than ever you were certain of what you wanted to do, who you wanted to be. You wanted to save people, to leave your mark on the world. You’d always known that there had to be more for you than being a librarian. The thing you loved about books so much were the stories they told, and how they- if only temporarily- provided an escape. Just a few hours of the day when you weren’t this shy, small town, person. A few hours a day you could slip into something bigger than yourself, you saw hunting the same way. You knew it would be hard, after all that Sam had told you there was no way it wouldn’t be. But you wanted, so badly, to help. To do something good for a change, something that would actually make a difference. You wanted to do anything other than endlessly stock and restock library shelves for the rest of your life- you wanted to make it all count for something. 

And the way Sam had talked about all of the people he and Dean had saved, the way his eyes had lit up when he described them. You wanted that feeling, you envied him for having it. You wanted to be able to look back and leave a legacy through the people you’d saved, through the lives you’d changed for the better. But you didn’t know how to say it to Sam, you didn’t know how to make him understand. 

"You’re going to be late for work,” Sam observed, turning to look at the clock on your bedside table. Somewhere around 5 AM, the two of you had laid down and settled into the bed, with his arms wrapped tightly around you. 

“I’m not going to work,” 

He frowned, “You’re not going to let this go are you?” 

“It’s my choice, Sam, and I choose hunting.” You were surprised at how confident you sounded, and secretly proud of yourself for being so bold. 

“Okay,” He took a deep breath. 

“Okay?” You repeated, not really believing what he was saying. 

“Okay. If you want to hunt, I can’t stop you, it’s your decision. Can we start off slow though? Maybe only a few cases a month or something like that?” 

You thought it was the perfect idea. You knew you weren’t ready to pick up everything and just leave, but you still wanted to do what he did. So, happily, you responded, “Yes, that sounds perfect.” 

You were happier than you’d been in a while. And you realized, for the first time in forever, you were excited for what tomorrow would bring. 

[billssefton]

I got in trouble because my coworker saw maxi pads in my car, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I got written up because my coworker saw maxi pads in my car

One of my coworkers complained because she saw a package of maxi pads in the backseat of my car when she parked near me in our parking lot. I had stopped at the store on the way into work, and they were in a bag along with shampoo and toothpaste. I got a write-up for it by HR and my boss told me not to do it again and keep them private. I was actually shocked when I was spoken to about it. I want to know if I should push back on this and say anything and how I should do it? I would be curious to hear your thoughts.

You got written up because someone saw a box of maxi pads in your car??

My head is exploding.

What’s going to happen if next time your coworker sees other toiletries in your car, like — gasp — toothpaste? Would she object to seeing a 12-pack of toilet paper too?

This is ridiculous and offensive and misogynist, and you should push back on it. Go back to HR and/or your boss and say, “I’d like you to remove that write-up from my file. There’s nothing inappropriate about having toiletries in my car, whether it’s a pack of toilet paper, a box of maxi pads, or a bottle of shampoo. There’s nothing dirty or shameful about feminine hygiene products, and we’re on awfully shaky ground in penalizing someone for having normal, everyday products in their car just because they happen to be for women. There is no reason that I should have a disciplinary note in my file about this.”

2. Was I tricked into leaving?

I am an American citizen working abroad. I am the only foreigner in my large company overseen by the government of the country where I live, and my salary is paid by a grant from the government to my employer. Several weeks ago, a colleague asked me if I knew that the government had sent my employer a warning that they may not continue to provide that grant after this contract ends. I had not hear that, and was very surprised to hear it mentioned so casually. The colleague called over another coworker, who confirmed that it was true. On the next work day, I went to my manager to ask about it, She said that it was true, and they would not find out if they were receiving the grant for several months. I asked why I had not been formally told, and she said they hadn’t wanted to worry me.

For visa reasons, I could not wait until the timeline offered by my manager to find out if the position would be extended. I interviewed with several companies and accepted an excellent job. I am excited about it.

I gave notice at my current job to my manager’s boss. He was absolutely shocked, and said that there was no question at all about the grant being continued. They had already received the money. He got in touch the government body that funds the grant for me, and they confirmed that for me. There was never any question about my employment.

Today, I got a short message from my manager saying that they only found out today that the grant would be continued and that it was sad that I had already decided to leave. I have not replied to that, because I don’t know what to say.

As crazy as it sounds, I’m genuinely wondering if these three colleagues could have deliberately set into motion a plan to make me quit? I have been told that my manager is a bit uncomfortable with having a foreigner on staff, but all of my evaluations have been exceeds-expectations or above and I’m generally well-liked at work. Still, I can’t figure out what else might have happened here. Should I share these concerns with my manager’s boss? Ask my manager for an explanation (although she is very non-verbal and I’m not sure I will get a real reply)? Just let it go, because I have no real evidence of anything? It makes no difference to my future plans; I will start my new job soon regardless. But the confusion is really getting to me.

Wow, yeah, either your manager was pushing you out, or there was a major miscommunication somewhere. The latter is definitely possible — it could be that your manager’s boss wasn’t fully in the loop about the grant situation, or it could be that somehow your manager had her info wrong. But it’s alarming enough that it’s worth looking into — because if your manager did do this behind her own boss’s back, that’s a big deal and he should know about it.

Skip your manager because that will give her time to potentially concoct a cover story, and go straight to your manager’s boss. In fact, I’d just forward him the email your manager sent you and say something like, “See below from Jane. Given our conversation, I’m really confused! Do you have a minute to talk with me about this?” (Alternately, you could email them both at the same time and say, “I’m really confused about this because Bob told me last week that there was no question about the grant being continued, and he confirmed with Agency that the money was received a while ago. I of course wouldn’t have job searched if I’d known that, so it seems like there might be a major miscommunication here.”)

3. Can I approach my boss about things feeling off?

Recently my department has been undergoing a lot of changes that have led to my boss being completely swamped. There have also been changes in management that mean he’s helping to train and onboard new people above his head while still managing the rest of our team. He’s been noticeably exhausted and short-tempered, and his emails and other communication have been very curt.

I’m having trouble distinguishing actual displeasure with my work from all the general stress response of things being chaotic. I’ve been trying to speak up and step forward more, taking a more aggressive role (this has been part of my ongoing professional goals as discussed in reviews), and his responses to that have been blunt and critical — but always very targeted, so I’m not sure if he’s displeased overall or trying to give feedback on the weak points without bothering to include a general “good job.”

I know the obvious response is to pull him aside for a five-minute meeting and ask, but since he’s so swamped, I don’t want to add more on his plate in the form of having to deal with my feelings. On the other hand, these particular feelings are stemming from his actual job. Still, it feels wrong to bother him about it. What do you think?

If you’re feeling unsure about how you’re doing overall, that’s very much a work-related thing that’s worth asking your boss about. Don’t discount it by framing it to yourself as just about your feelings! If there are problems, you need to know about them so you can correct them — and if there aren’t problems, you need to know that so that you’re not expending energy stressing out about the wrong things.

So yes, ask! If he’s so busy that you can’t realistically get a separate meeting with him, bring it up the next time you’re already talking to him about something else. Say something like, “Can I ask how you think things are going overall? You’ve given me some really helpful feedback recently, but my sense is that you’ve had more criticism of my work than usual and I wasn’t sure if there might be broader concerns with my work that I should be tackling, or if you’re overall happy with what I’m doing.”

4. Can I put my “exceeds expectations” performance review score on my resume?

For the first time, I got “Exceeds Expectations” (an A+ at my company) on my performance review this year. I’m currently job searching because I’m likely to be laid off in a couple of months, and I was wondering if there’s any way to mention this evaluation on my resume. If not, do you think it would be all right to mention it during an interview if something comes up that makes it relevant?

Don’t put it on your resume. Employers won’t have any way to know how rigorous the performance review standards are at your company, and it could come across as giving too much weight to something that doesn’t warrant it. The exception to this is if you can contextualize it with something like “performance was rated in top 1% of employees in 2018,” and then ideally explain why. (But even then, I’d leave “exceeds expectations” off, because there are so many companies where loads of people score that.)

The same advice applies to interviews. The rating on its own isn’t worth bringing up, but if there’s a way to say that you were rated in the top X% of employees and why (because it doesn’t stand on its own as well as it does with context attached), that’s fine to do.

5. Including legal work status on your resume

I’ve had the privilege to review a lot of resumes recently, and it appears common (in the U.S.) for an applicant to state their visa or residency status. Would you advise all applicants putting that on their resumes? As a citizen I never thought to add it, but should I/we?

You’re more likely to see this in fields that typically hire a lot of foreign-born workers (where legal work status comes up all the time) or sometimes from candidates whose education or work history is outside the U.S. (and so they want to preemptively answer any questions about their legal eligibility to work here). But it’s not something you’re expected to include in general.

You may also like:

my boss freaked out when he saw my menstrual products and called me unprofessional

employer scheduled an interview with me — but just assigned me a date and time without asking about my schedule

update: my rude and intrusive coworker makes me feel horrible

I got in trouble because my coworker saw maxi pads in my car, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

from Ask a Manager http://www.askamanager.org/2018/04/i-got-in-trouble-because-my-coworker-saw-maxi-pads-in-my-car-and-more.html

[wutthebec]

Liberation

I have a mental illness.

Not what you were expecting, I know. Clearly I wanted to get to the point. This whole thing is kind of new to me, so please, bare with me here. Forewarning, this is not a fluff piece, this is not a “It gets better” piece. It’s a “I don’t fucking know what’s happening to my mind but I want to share my experience so maybe I can get better” piece.

I always thought announcing this to the world would be some brave and poetic grand gesture. It was something I would do In like 10 years from now, when I was all “cured” and better”. Ha. I sat here for 10 minutes trying to write some deep bullshit about graduating high school and suddenly my world felt like it was crashing down around me. I went for the over dramatic guessing game intro but in the nature of trying to stay true to myself, I went right into it.

To be really real with you, I am no better and maybe perhaps worse than when I first realized what all my “episodes” were. It did not add up to me, I just assumed I was a crazy person and that it is what I did. No, Becca, it is not normal that you are always nervous, feel like something bad is going to happen, etc.  It is also not normal that you want to die constantly and the thought of death actually arouses you. Kidding, but not really.

I am sorry, the way I cope is with dark humor. I can’t help it.

Anyways, here is my grand announcement to the world. I cannot wait to be the talk of this years Holiday parties. I am so hype. Maybe my relatives will stop asking me about boyfriends and college, was getting pretty boring.

I have anxiety and depression. Did you read that correctly? I HAVE. Not I am. Let us also get that straight first.

Here is the stigma that gets me, people assume/think because you have these things you are incapable of being a functioning human being. See, what I am is a full-time student. What I AM is a proud Publix employee of three years almost on her way to a promotion, busting my ass at my first job since I was sixteen. What I AM is a friend, a daughter, a want to be comedian, a writer, and many other things. I am not my mental illness. Cliche? Yes, but I stand strongly behind this one.

I do all these things but I do it with this constant cloud. God, I wish I could actually convey the words to you better. It is what it feels like. This giant, asshole cloud who just looms over you and taps you on your shoulder, it says mean things about you and makes you think things that you would never dare to utter aloud.

The hardest thing for me has been self-love. It physically hurts me to actually love myself. It makes me choke up and my stomach hurt. This has been a hard thing for me to swallow, most of my whole life I have been confident in myself. (Shout out to my parents for being awesome and giving my an awesome foundation to which made me that way.) It breaks my heart, somewhere along the way I lost it. Maybe it was between my mom’s cancer diagnosis, losing some of my closest friends and having just a f*cked up time in high school in general.

I KNOW, these things are not so big when you zoom out and examine the whole picture but to a high schooler these things are devastating. I spent most of my mom’s cancer diagnosis pretending it wasn’t happening. I did notice her pain and I did know what was happening but I was a a tweenager who just desperately wanted things to go back to normal.

I tend to do that A LOT. (I know my vocabulary is amazing, I am sure I am impressing all of my former English teachers.) This is my coping mechanism, I will literally ignore things, not talk about my feelings and hope they go away. I am currently working on this and will be giving you updates on how it is coming along. My mom’s cancer after three months of chemo, thank GOD, went into remission. After that, I never thought about it again. It was until years later, what had happened hit me. It hit me really hard. I feel like from 13-17 for me was just a black out. I was just in my own world of selfishness. I felt gross thinking about how I should have held my moms hand while she was writhing in pain from the chemo. How I should have offered to maybe cook more dinners or clean the house.

I KNOW, this is a lot of guilt for a nineteen year-old to carry around on her shoulders and I was just a kid and blah blah blah. I don’t care. That is my mom. I could have lost her forever.

I do not know what happened but when eighteen came around, all the trauma I had suppressed literally hit me like a truck. I felt every single thing. To get to the point, I began HATING myself. I made lists on my phone of everything that was wrong with me, I would literally RUIN opportunities and amazing experiences because I loathed myself so much. I still do, I am better but it is still a struggle.

I began having episodes out of nowhere, without being provoked, of just violently shaking. I could not breathe and I couldn’t do anything but sit there and wait it out. My best friend witnessed me having what I referred to as my episodes and he said “Bec, you are having a panic attack.” It shook me to my core. “WHAT?! ME? Are you serious?” I know you aren’t supposed to make a self-diagnosis but it was pretty obvious. (Side note: my doctor, yes, a real live breathing doctor, confirmed my worst fears)

But like really, holy shit I could not believe I had anxiety and from the super neat quiz I took at the doctor’s office, said I also had mild depression. Put a real doozy on my day.

The hardest part about having anxiety, depression, or any mental illness is accepting it. God, is it hard. I did not accept it, like I said earlier, one of my favorite things to do is to pretend it will go away. It didn’t. I fought and fought. One day it just clicked, I sat myself down and said, “Listen girl, you have this thing but this isn’t who you are. You will have to deal with this for the rest of your life but you will figure out how. You will be okay.” I repeat this to myself constantly.

Like we humans do, we adapt to our surroundings and circumstances. I now have ways to cope with these things and I work on it everyday. Most of the reason I wanted to write this was to give myself a push to go to therapy. It feels so dirty to say “I need to go to therapy.” Like it is some horrible secret to be kept. Ya know what, it isn’t. We should all go to therapy, maybe we wouldn’t be so screwed if we all did. I also felt like keeping this to myself was making everything worse. I would hide panic attacks from coworkers and my parents. I have completely stopped talking and or hanging out with many former really good friends and people in my life because I felt like I needed to keep this a secret.

One thing I wish people understood is that I AM NOT the one pushing you away, this is NOT ME. It is my mental illness, it takes over your brain like a parasite and starts doing everything for you. So please, always give a friend or a family member a benefit of the doubt. I beg whatever being there is to let myself feel love, to let myself feel worthy of having people who care about me. Some days I feel like I do not deserve to have a single person care about me or to have friends or to have anything. I actually think that low of myself. It’s sad and pathetic, but like I said to be continued, I am working on it everyday.

A bright side, not really but kind of, to mental illness is you see what true people in your life are made of. I have had an amazing support system. My best friend is an actual angel baby. He has been nothing but there for me in every amazing supportive way he could be. I have screamed at him to stop being my friend and to go away and that amazing angel baby told me to shut up and let him be there for me. I have an amazing mother, who makes me feel not so crazy because she too has this thing. She never made me feel wrong or invalid. I love her endlessly and she is my #1. I also am grateful for my coworkers and one manager in particular. Thank you for letting me take my five minute walks before I actually burst into a thousand million pieces. Thank you for talking me down and just listening. Everyone should work for Publix, it’s another family that you like slightly more than your real family. (Just kidding?) I just love you all and thank you for loving me through this. I promise I will fight for you and never succumb to this.

I might lose friends, family members or social media friends positive thoughts or respect about who I am as a person for writing this. I don’t care. I didn’t do this for anyone but myself. As I am finishing this I feel better. I know I said this wouldn’t be an “It gets better” piece, I will be writing that one later. For now I am airing my secret and owning it. I don’t care what people think about me and if people think I’m crazy. Guess what? I am and watch ya’ back. I hope maybe someone reading this felt/feels the same way. I wanted to write something addressing anxiety and depression that wasn’t total fairy dust BS. I also wanted to write something that stuck to my narrative and I feel like I totally accomplished that. I hope reading this maybe makes you feel less alone, less afraid, maybe educates you. I hope this evoked something from you. Thanks for reading, love and hugs.- Becca