#I understand it's not about my wants and there's probably an unfixable issue to do with intellectual property and that's why af doesn't

[kjzx]

I love artfight in the sense I love drawing stuff for people and making them happy but every time I think about having to upload my characters it makes me unnerved to a degree I don't even want af to happen. I wish I could just add fandom characters. It would literally make it instantly the perfect art challenge, with the little attention some characters tend to get.

I like this one character of mine and because the way I made her is tied to a currently dormant interest of mine (and also because quite a few people drew her already and seem to like her), when it comes to making other characters or making any kind of reasonable ref sheets for them I just dread the event.

[hereforthefunnyguys]

I'm interested in this duke x yami marik x yugi 👀👀

okay so. First of all, I have no clue what started out the idea of it. I think it was that I was into all three individual relationships, and just decided to combine them. But I think it works out actually pretty thematically well.

For starters, I think Duke and Yugi's relationship is really underrated; for starters, I think its the strongest possible version of Yugi's "I could fix him" syndrome in the entire series, which is funny, because Duke seems to really really really like Yugi (meaning that he participated in the mortifying ordeal of Making New Friends for his sake) while Yugi spent the grand majority of their interactions being sidelined. And in his defense, it is perfectly justifiable to be sidelined by A) your puzzle getting smashed B) the house you're in burning down C) The Entire Ordeal That Was Battle City. So Dukes just trying his hardest while the whole universe is friendzoning him ToT. But I think they have a fun dynamic, and I think Yugi is one of those people thats just so incredibly earnest about everything that it kind of forces Duke out of his shell of apathy. Similarly, I think he has a kind of cleverness that Yugi would appreciate, without quite the same level of crazy that certain other intelligent people with daddy issues have in this series (coughcoughKAIBAcoughcough).

On the other hand, with Yami Marik and Yugi, I think it would be funny to watch Yugi's "I could fix him" syndrome work with someone where there is a strong possibilty they are just. unfixable. So he cant fix that man. But he can fuck him, though. That might calm him down a bit.Jokes aside, I feel like Yugi is probably the only person in the cast with enough patience and/or willingness to understand the thought process behind how Yami Marik ticks. I don't know if that would make Yami Marik like him necessarily - I don't know if he can really like anyone - but I think it would intrigue him somewhat, and you just know he would love to monologue all his evil thoughts to Yugi for hours on end. Like a therapist for supervillains.

On the other hand, and I've mentioned this before, Yugi is incredibly skilled at games, which would by extension make him incredibly good at shadow games. If we've learned one thing from that Bakura-Yami Marik duel, it's that Yami Marik loves a difficult opponent. (Unless he loses, of course). (But I'm willing to say that might not be true for Yugi since I'd doubt he'd enact a shadow game where the punishment is cessation of existence, which is Yami Marik's only real fear.) So if we were to interpret in a different way, I think Yugi actually has potential to become someone Yami Marik respects.

Finally, my justification for yami Malik and Duke being together. I think Yami Malik would make Duke so much worse.

That's it. That's the whole reason why.

(Actually, there are other thoughts, but I can't verbalize them properly rn.)

So together, I think you have this really weird act of moral tug-of-war between a party thats definitely evil, a party thats definitely good, and a party that will do anything to please the people he loves, which cannot be a good combination, but it is an entertaining one for certain. So you get

Yugi: Dating two guys that are regularly considered some of the hottest people in the Yugioh universe and are also a foot taller than him. He's doing well.

Yami Marik: He gets two new people to tease however he wants that still aren't gonna just roll over and die if he starts a fight with them (i stand by my hc that Yami Marik prefers partners who have some bite in them instead of the helpless victim types).

Duke: On one hand he's dating the dude he has had a crush on forever. On the other hand, he is also now dating the most insufferable and incredibly blunt person he's ever met that has ZERO appreciation for all his social graces :/ and is also kind of a representation of all his repressed loathing for his father but hey lets not worry about that rn.

My final justification is that I think they'd be willing to do weird fucked up shit to each other (both in a sexual sense and sometimes not in a sexual sense) that nobody else in the Yugioh universe would tolerate.

So that's my rant lol

[evwritesgames]

STARFIELD AMD PSA

I'm a huge BGS fan and I love their games and I got Starfield w/ my new GPU soooo.

TLDR:

If you are having unfixable visual bugs in Starfield and you use an AMD GPU, ROLL YOUR DRIVER BACK. They fucked it up and a lot of people are having problems. I imagine few updated their drivers in the first place or this would have been a wider spread issue. Hours of googling didn't help me at all so I hope this helps someone!

Longer Story (for no real reason):

Anyway, I updated my AMD drivers immediately yesterday, about an hour before launch. I'm used to NVIDIA where I've never had a driver issue that I know of. AMD is new to me as a GPU thing, I haven't used them for no real reason other than that friends who offered PC advice were always NVIDIA people.

Anyways, yesterday I got through the intro area and everything was FUCKING AWESOME. This is an all-timer video game if you like the kind of game that it is. Even if you don't, it's got a lot to offer a lot of different types of gamers. But this isn't why I'm here. Plenty of other people out there to hype this up and try to get you to get into it.

Soon after the intro, on the first explorable planet, I noticed a visual bug that hit like a gut-punch and kinda threatened to ruin that whole magical first experience w/ the game. And it was close, even after I fixed it.

The problem was AMD's drivers. The visual bugs were terrain geometry bugs where I could see "seams" in the terrain and sometimes see right through the ground. The terrain would load in as I moved around so it was impossible to play like that and ruined the entire vibe.

I tried everything to fix it. For 3 hours I tried settings, a full reinstall, verifying the game files, resetting the shader cache (I had a weird freeze/crash during initial shader load when I booted up the game and I was CERTAIN that was the issue... it wasn't).

Nothing worked until, 3 hours later, I did what was to me a last resort and rolled back my drivers. It worked. It saved the experience, in the end, and I had a blast with the game.

IF YOU ARE STILL READING, THE REST IS ABOUT CHARACTER CREATOR AND OPTIONS INVOLVED WITH THAT:

The character creator here is... something else. Like, I'm good w/ character creators and I've made selfie characters before but never like this:

Broadly speaking, this dude looks like me enough that it can be eerie. I'm a stocky dude, too, and while I couldn't represent my real height in this game, it does allow a variety of body types like the newer Fallouts did and I found one that fits me very well and still looks amazing in game. You really do have a lot of leeway here even though the editor's UI is a typical BGS mess. Not enough options, clunky UI/UX that is way overdesigned, lighting that doesn't represent in-game very well (too bright instead of too dark for once).

The best characrer editor they ever made was Fallout 4's. They should probably have stuck with that system but I admire what they did here in other ways.

The thing where they used real models or w/e is very apparent and while there's a problem with "bug eyes" on a lot of NPCs, I've also never seen NPCs that look so much like real people in a sort of subtle sense where imperfections, asymmetry, etc are so nuanced that you almost can't detect them. It makes the faces fucking terrific but also EERIE.

Still, I wish there were A LOT more options. They went so big with this game but as is seemingly typical with these big RPGs and the companies that make them, they truly don't seem to get that people want A LOT of options. Not a few. A lot. Every time. Cyberpunk 2077 didn't have enough. BG3 doesn't have enough. Starfield doesn't have enough.

Japanese games like Elden Ring and various others are way ahead of the curve here. Nioh 2's character creator is one of the best I've ever seen and that game came out years ago now. So did ER for that matter.

I know mods will help with this down the road but I seriously don't understand these people who make decisions about character editors. Like, why THESE tattoos? Why always tattooos that look like shit and seem like an afterthought? Why always so few of them?

For that matter, 25% or so of the hairstyles here are basically unusable. Or at least they look that way in the editor (some seem to look way better and more natural in the game world on NPCs to be fair).

Because so many games of this type seem to short these options, it's not really a big dig against BGS or Starfield. It's just something I personally care about. They did, unlike Larian w/ BG3, include options to change your appearance (which I love, in Fallout 4 I would add scars and dirt and stuff over time as well as aging to reflect my character's adventures -- here, I'll be doing the same but w/ less options and flexibility than F4 had). But the number of options is overall lower than I think any other game they've done. Which is so weird when you consider the size and effort in everything else.

Still, making characters in a good editor (even if not a great one) is a treat for me. I like doing it.

Other than this, no fucking complaints. If you know me, you know how big a deal that is.

[sparklyeevee]

Woah there, okay, we seem to have drifted a little from where this thread started. Last two posts above mine, you have an issue: you're making one of the assumptions that article was about - that all the housework and other logistical work of running the household was "hers", and that his only participation should be "helping" under her direction. Also the article mentions multiple instances of her asking him to do stuff and him doing something else instead and not understanding what the problem was. Like she asked him to hire a cleaning service, because she didn't want to do the complex mental work of researching multiple options, figuring out which was the best, contacting them and scheduling something, etc. This was what she asked for as a birthday present, to have this particular household task taken off her desk. Her husband opted instead to deep clean the bathroom himself, once, and use the money his clever workaround saved them to buy her a necklace, and then left the rolls of wrapping paper on the floor. It is not unreasonable to be sad when you ask someone for something, they say they'll do it, and then they do something else instead that doesn't meet the same need because they don't understand what you actually needed and weren't prepared to trust you about how that need might be met. It is not unreasonable for an adult in a cohabitative relationship with another adult to not want to have to specifically ask every time something gets left on the floor in and needs to be picked up. I don't know these people personally - could be that he has excellent reasons for not being able to do that. Doesn't make it any less frustrating, and if it's really unfixable on his end they should probably just break up. But the later part of that article was, iirc, her expressing that what she needs is for him to learn how to "see" the household and its associated tasks so that he doesn't have to be specifically instructed on Every Single Thing, and she doesn't really know how to do that.

I (trans man) have experienced massive personal inconvenience at least four times in the last five years because I needed help with cleaning or packing associated with moving, and they assumed the extent of the help I needed was planning where to put things or moving heavy objects. The following exchanges of dialogue may be illustrative

Me: Hey, [FIL], where are you going?

[FIL]: The rest of it's just clutter, you can deal with that yourselves. *Exit stage left*.

And

[Ex partner]: Okay, look's like the living room's done, I'm gonna go write.

Me: There are still a ton of things in there that need to be gone through.

[Ex]: Yeah but that's just little stuff.

We're not gonna bother talking about the then-friend now-partner who did bestir himself to help with the "little stuff" and then repeatedly attempted to throw away my socks. Because they were on the floor along with things like candy wrappers that actually did need to be thrown out. I'm... mostly over it?

In video games, sometimes, objects you can interact with will sparkle or glow so that you can easily pick them out from the background. Which objects those are may depend on which character options you took - like in World of Warcraft, if you have herbalism, herbs will glow, but mineral deposits, while technically visible, won't, and in any case you can't interact with them. And the reverse if you have mining but not herbalism. Part of being able to look after a space you live in, and more generally function as an adult, is being able to see the "glow" around objects that need to be put away, emails notifying you of important tasks with deadlines, the cat's empty food bowl, etc. Anyone can be bad at this. Anyone can have a problem that makes it harder. But cis men often aren't trained in the (domestic task) version of this class feature at all. And that is not their fault. But if you're trained in it and your cohabitant isn't, genders notwithstanding, you're going to be in for a much greater share of the work of making the household go, and while there's stuff where "either do it yourself or deal with it not being done" is legitimate (I have never lived with anyone else who gives a shit if the drapes are dusted, and that's fine - I'll do it or not and it doesn't have to be anyone else's problem), it doesn't work so good with stuff that affects pets, kids, shared finances, or actual health and safety. There is no version of "just communicate" that would have prevented me from chipping a tooth because my upstairs housemate didn't pick up the dryer sheet I slipped on on the stairs, because there is no single conversation that will make someone who is not used to seeing a dryer sheet on the floor as something they should deal with suddenly able to do so reliably. It's work, either to just handle things yourself or to try and teach a whole other person how to "see" the things that need to get done. I don't know a good solution to this, and I don't blame the people who don't have this particular setting toggled on for not knowing how to do it, but just asking out loud every single time there's something that needs doing that you don't personally want to deal with doesn't actually fix the problem.

is he “trauma dumping” on you or have you just not unpacked what the patriarchy has taught you outside of “woman bad” and you think men expressing any kind of emotion or vulnerability is bad actually.

[rabbitindisguise]

on one hand I feel an enormous amount of guilt when I have Problem, but whenever I have Problem and someone cares (even if it's an unfixable problem forever) then it's like falling down and expecting to skin my knee and landing instead in a pile of soft fluffy pillows in some kind of bulletproof shelter

It's sort of like the idea that in order to fix a dislocation you have to reduce it, so it goes from throbbing spasms to sharp and excruciating to endorphin high of having been helped by someone stopping the pain from hurting anymore as badly

and I think someday it will start to feel better where I don't have to do as many reductions anymore and it hurts less because I understand stuff better, which I think is a sign of like . . . how I've matured as a person to be able to see that things will feel less badly than they do now eventually (hard with mood disorders). Another sign is that I'm managing to both care deeply about people even when there are Problems, because I used to get so afraid and totally shut down emotionally, and/or struggled to admit that I have negative emotions at all (because I put pressure on myself to be accommodating in ways that aren't sustainable). Being aware and cognizant of my feelings has let me make much less bad decisions, which makes me think that both disassociating and depression have been ways to numb myself to positive feelings out of anxiety about what other people would think or look down on. Now that I'm developing a stronger sense of self I've been able to like, productively disagree with my therapist without me taking the issue and reflecting it on the relationship of therapist/therapized itself, which I feel like is an extension of how my interpersonal relationships are improving me as a person.

So I can get really upset, but when I do get upset now I can think "I am upset" and self soothe and be like "Lav you are upset, you should think about your happy place and take a deep breath focus on the moment." I used to find these things like . . . really cringey, a sign of someone who had problems but felt really good about themselves for improving, which I find threatening because of the idea that if we just tried harder then we'd never make mistakes so all mistakes are malicious was something I ran into a lot with my parents. And yet that sort of counter-thinking was hindering my growth because I couldn't accept that problems could be improved, or even that I could make mistakes. I think protecting the people I care about is more important than trying to side step something that is fundamentally about what I'm afraid of, because I feel that trying to do that is more likely to make that happen than being vulnerable with people and risk unexpected unintentional problems.

Because ultimately at this point I trust the people around me to care and I trust them to do things the best way they know how, which I think is honestly more than what I could have done even a couple months ago. I was really trying to work towards it, but something had to like . . . click in my brain. I still attribute that to the months of effort and therapist and the medication though, because without it I don't think I would have been able to like Cope with everything going on.

I also feel like I am making good efforts, in both trying to use my energy towards things I'm aiming for, and in trying to provide things for people to use to help me. I don't think I can do things on my own and need to recognize the contributions of others, which means recognizing that I can do things to improve that, and part of that means taking care of myself so that I can make the best effort possible.

And beyond all that stuff, I'm so relieved that I am like, more stable and probably will cope with moving 100000000% better than I have in the past, but that I can be . . . normal about it? Sometimes I feel like I didn't understand what "I want to do this because it would make my partner happy" meant, like I could do it logically but emotionally I feel like I have a strong invested interest in that now that I can quantify and translate to my prioritization of what I'm looking for in a apartment. Like even if everything else was perfectly ideal for me I would still be upset because they're upset, and while I can recognize things that are like . . . important enough that suppressing them would be Bad, I can also recognize things that are less important. Plus I trust that if I can communicate, they can understand where I'm coming from and my priorities, which means that by communicating we're coming to better conclusions together than apart.

(edit: another thing I found cringey was the idea of trying to fix my problems and doing it BADLY which is obviously better than not doing it at all but that was really hard to wrap my head around at the time)

I'm tired now so I'm going to post even though I have more thoughts so I can get ready for bed. There's stuff I want to think more on, like how I feel sometimes the pressure to push back on anything to prove that I can to myself being basically nullified by reassurance and what other things that I struggle with that I can improve by reminding myself of simple facts I often forget, and the awareness that I'm making mistakes in regards to my own goals and in regards to things I can't directly observe, but too sleepy now

[automaticdata-sims]

Coming from my background with video games like Skyrim, the Sims 4 community sometimes seems just plain weird.

Like I just … I think the first time I really interacted with an online gaming community was probably Skyrim, because of modding. (For reference, Skyrim came out in 2011, Sims 4 came out in 2014.) Skyrim – and most Elder Scrolls/Fallout games in general – were kind of acknowledged as being a buggy mess by the community. The single most downloaded mod for Skyrim or it's predecessor, Oblivion, was the unofficial patch. Even though there were some updates to the game, it was generally acknowledged that most of the bugs would go unfixed, and it was up to the modding community to fix them. When DLC was released, no one expected much in terms of inter-pack play, and there weren't many (any?) updates to the base game to add content from the DLCs. Vanilla gameplay for Skyrim in 2011 is very, very similar to vanilla gameplay for Skyrim in 2022.

And let me point out, real quick, that Skyrim got a graphics overhaul and was re-released in 2016, and Skyrim VR came out in 2017, and in 2021 they released the Anniversary Edition, which included creation club features (essentially monetized mods greenlit by Bethesda) but otherwise went unchanged.

Now, Sims 4 came out in 2014, three years after Skyrim, and was … not great at launch. But since then, base game updates have gotten it to pretty much where it should have been at launch, with pools, toddlers, half walls, an additional world, landscaping, story progression, etc. They've also improved base game gender settings, added sexual orientation, and pronouns. They've improved their skintones and afro-textured hair. They've added new swatches to base game items. They've added new traits, lot traits, freelance careers, nail polish, new CAS and build/buy items, CAS story mode, challenges, and more.

And that's not counting any DLCs.

And yeah, a lot of these things haven't been perfect. But Skyrim literally had dragons flying backwards and mammoths falling from the sky. Bethesda does not have anything equivalent to SimGurus, who are willing to be the face of the company to the community. They don't have anything like Answer HQ, where bugs can be reported, to the best of my knowledge. The don't have anything like the Creator Network, where community members can review DLC before its release.

So it's just … so weird to me that people have so many issues with Sims 4, and act like the SimGurus are to blame for stuff that's obviously EA's fault (packs being rushed, not doing proper QA testing, pricing, splitting content up the way they have, etc). The Sims 4 isn't perfect, but I have a lot more faith in Maxis than I do for Bethesda, because Maxis has shown that they are willing to listen to the community. They are willing to improve the base game for free. They continue to work on fixing bugs and adding content.

Compared to Skyrim, that's amazing, and I don't think people really acknowledge that.

There is merit in criticism. Criticism is where a lot of these improvements came from – the community criticized, the developers listened, and the game was improved. I do not have an issue with criticism. I do, however, have issues with nihilism. I define nihilism, in this case, as when people imply that new base game features won't be expanded on (and say that ambiguous tweets such as SimGuru George's about adding cross-pack play is a definite "no" when it's actually a wishy-washy ambiguous not-promising-or-denying statement at best/worst), say that "the sims 4 could never [insert gameplay feature here]", imply newly introduced bugs won't ever be fixed, etc., etc. Nihilism (in my understanding, at least) is the philosophy that nothing will change so it's pointless to try, and if the Sims 4 devs are anything, they're adaptable and open to change.

Yes, the new Wants and Fears system is bare-bones and buggy. This won't last forever. The bare-bones state of it was due to it being a major gameplay feature overhaul, replacing whims with wants. They basically had to rip out the old system and replace it in time for the new pack to come out. Does it have as many features as whims had yet? No. But in my brief time playing the new update (I've been swamped with school stuff), I can see why they swapped to the new system. The wants seem to be more individualized for the sim, rather than the generic "buy a bee-box", "buy a pool", "become [emotion]". Now that the system is in place, it will be easier for them to add more. They have a huge list of whims they need to go through and decide whether it's a good whim which should be converted to the wants system, or something silly like buying a 1x1 pool. They didn't have time to do that before a pack was released that used the new system, so they had to release the system in it's current bare-bones state. That does not mean it will be that way forever.

Granted, it's possible that I'm wrong, and it will stay that way – but I don't think that's the case. It's only been, what, two days since the update? I'm going to wait and see what they do with the new system. It's a better (and imo healthier) attitude than thinking the way it is is the way it will always be, and an attitude that I believe Maxis has earned the right to.

[jytan2018]

God, Season 6 made me feel so many things and it's always so interesting to see what every person took away from it individually, and what that says about where they are on their own self-development journey.

(My own take on S6 is below the cut. I'm not disagreeing with anybody, just infodumping about what I took away from BoJack's nonlinear growth)

To me, BoJack getting hounded by reporters wasn't so much an unfair punishment as a judgement day that came too late for the victims, but too soon for him. There's a crucial step in the redemption process that no one likes to talk about because of how easy it is for abusers to willfully misinterpret that milestone, and that's forgiving yourself for your mistakes.

Sure, sometimes guilt is what makes people own up to their mistakes, but they're only doing it to relieve the guilt. When assholes "forgive themselves" to escape accountability, what they're actually doing is avoiding that guilt. Because taking accountability to relieve guilt doesn't work for the unfixable mistakes. How can it, when things have gone so wrong that you'll never be able to make them right? It's only when you're no longer accepting accountability for guilt relief purposes that true growth/restorative justice can occur. This is especially true when even the most tragic mistakes are sometimes inevitable, but the only "atonement" you're doing is self-harming with guilt, without channeling any of those emotions into tangible improvement of your victims' circumstances.

Now, this isn't to say that all assholes should be coddled, and they should get to spend as much time in therapy as they want before we get to hold them accountable. Some people will never hold themselves accountable unless forced to, and the merits of a punitive justice vs. restorative justice system is way too big a discussion for Tumblr the Piss Poor Reading Comprehension Site. What's important to remember is that avoiding painful things (even emotionally painful things) is a primal response hardwired into every living being, and there are only two ways you can hold yourself accountable instead of relying on society to do it for you:

- Override that primal response through sheer willpower, then face the consequences anyway and channel the resulting negative emotions into atoning/endure said emotions (Hard mode)

- Process those negative emotions to the point that it no longer triggers your fight or flight instinct, and you're able to accept the consequences as a natural result of your mistakes instead of desperately trying to avoid punishment

BoJack may have accepted that he was an asshole, but he still instinctively tried to cover his ass when Find Out phase came calling because he hadn't grown beyond his guilt and shame yet. He was still trying to avoid the pain that comes from being honest about his asshole behaviour. Even during his final conversation with Diane, he was still trying to justify his decisions in order to avoid the pain of Diane's judgement, and Diane had to be like, "Hey, I'm not the one inflicting judgment on you, you're doing that to yourself and acting like it's my job to fix that is a dick move."

Now, this is where the issue of free will comes in: Is BoJack Horseman an animal who's enslaved by his baser instincts, doomed to forever suffer the consequences of satisfying them at everyone else's expense? Or is he a man who is capable of overcoming those instincts, finding peace or even joy in the Sisyphean act of atoning for mistakes he can never undo?

As the lyrics of Back in the 90s repeatedly remind us, he's trying to make us understand that he's more horse than a man, or more man than a horse. He's still trying to figure that out himself, and he probably won't find out until way after the S6 finale. Though honestly, wouldn't it be boring if we found out alongside him? Isn't it much more interesting/meaningful that the show ended just as he's begun to accept the end of his closest friendships, instead of digging himself into deeper holes in an agonising and futile effort to save those bonds he'd taken for granted?

But hey, maybe I just read too much into the 45-second ending song of the Sad Horse Animated Sitcom, like Todd did with Hokey Pokey. Or maybe I accidentally made a deep revelation. I don't know. Come back to me in a year or two and see whether this has affected my growth in any meaningful way, I guess.

Ok the first time I watched bojack horseman season 6, it sent me in a pretty bad depression spiral. But I just watched it again for the first time in almost 4 years, and it actually fills me with peace. I think I thought the show was saying no one can change, really; bojack will always be just some shitty selfish horse. He can try to do better, but he can't change the lives he's ruined, or outrun the consequences, and he'll always slip up. That made me so sad.

But now i see it more like... yeah hollyhock cut off contact, bojack goes to prison, Diane implies they'll never speak again, Princess Carolyn implies she won't work with Bojack again in the future etc. But at the same time all of these characters still express love to bojack and thankfulness that he was in their life. Even Todd is really kind to bojack in the final episode, despite having every reason to ignore him forever. They draw boundaries as they should. But there's still compassion.

Even though bojack has arguably lost absolutely everything, he's still able to find a little joy in prison putting on a play. And those people will still probably say hi to him from time to time... and after he gets out of prison, who knows, maybe he'll make more progress and find new people, start better relationships. He was already on the up and up... he relapsed, but honestly that happens. Before his relapse he'd been sober for like a year which is pretty amazing.

bojack is messy and his progress is slow. He's deeply flawed and no one is obligated to stay in his life, no one has to respect him after all the shitty things he's done. But what brings him true peace is being honest with himself about that... no memoir or dream role or Oscar win or long-lost sister or university can replace the peace of just being real. Taking accountability. I think by the end bojack is at least starting to realize that and commit it to memory.

I also think it's tempting to feel like post-rehab bojack is all better, he's a new bojack, it's unfair that the reporters and interviewers come after him to ruin his life after he'd just fixed it. He's not the same as Vance Waggoner!! But that's the thing.. even though it's hard, even though it feels unfair, bojack still has the choice to do better. He didn't have to do the 2nd interview. He didn't have to teach at hollyhock's school without asking her if that would be weird. He didn't have to do Horny Unicorn, he didn't have to go back into that party after reading hollyhock's letter. He didn't have to go on one last bender, break into his old house, call Diane and nearly kill himself. It's understandable that he did. It's painful and horrible. But every single time, he could have chosen to walk away, ask for help--maybe not from Diane or PC or Todd, but surely Mr Peanutbutter or he could have just checked into the ER for monitoring. And that would feel sad and humiliating and lonely but he would survive and come out knowing he didnt ruin things this time, even if he felt alone. Its ok to be alone. But he didnt do that... so even though i understand why "new bojack" fucks up again.... it WAS all still his own choice.

I could talk abt this show forever lol God

[georgemackayhey]

Rules For Falling In Love: #1

summary: In which George wants to get married. But... you're not dating. Why should you say yes?

a/n: Here it is I'm obsessed with this concept my dear friend thought up, so much so that I was inspired to write this multichapter fic about it all. Please let me know if I forgot to tag anyone, or if you'd like to be added to the list! And as always... feedback of any and all kinds are greatly appreciated!

w/c: 2k

Part 2 >

───※ ·❆· ※───

"Don't be a third wheel, come on now!" Dean's publicist shooed him away from where you stood next to George, counting down the seconds till the red carpet came to an end. You gave the guy a quick, twisted frown, as George's publicist pulled him further down the carpet, his hand holding on to yours, silently bringing you along.

This was just another normal Friday evening.

When the time came to flood into the award ceremony, you sighed in relief and reached for a drink from the tray of a despondent boy meant to stand right where he was for most the night.

"Don't you have any place better to be?" Dean laughed your way, thanking the waiter for the drink he swiped.

"We were going to go bowling." You shot George a look. You'd only made the plans as a joke, wondering how much shit either of you would get for ditching this stupid ceremony to go have a bit of real fun. But you'd made a promise to George long ago, to attend all these silly little Hollywood shindigs with him.

"And we will go bowling if we make it out of here alive" George declared with a nod, leading you toward the row of seats with your names on them. He hated these events almost more than you did. He insisted your presence aided to quell his anxieties these circumstances stirred up. And you couldn't tell George no, very often.

"If one of you ever did one thing without each other, I think hell would freeze over." Dean chuckled as you all settled into your seats. You looked to George again, and he looked to you and you both laughed, but Dean was probably right.

After the awards had been given out between long, sometimes painful speeches, the boy's publicists insisted they linger around the after-party for as long as they could manage. You kept your usual pace in between them, cackling over stupid old jokes and offering forced toothy grins to celebrities who asked if they could steal George away for photos and chats about the magic of acting- or whatever.

"You know, no one has even ever asked about us." You pointed out to Dean, sharing a piece of cake in the quietest corner of the party. "Showbiz people I mean. They just assumed right away. Even the times we've insisted we're only friends, they insist we're joking." You huffed a laugh.

"That's Hollywood for you, I suppose. But you've gotta admit... you and George-"

"Are just friends." You finished. Dean halted, smiling in agreeance to drop the subject, but clearly held back from stating his other points, whether they were valid or not.

After one too many sweets and drinks, George found you and informed his sister was on her way to give the two of you a lift home. You traded a few hugs with Dean, making rough plans to meet up again very soon, without all the cameras and microphones in the way.

///

"How was your date, then?" George's sister wondered as you clamored into the back of her car. George followed behind with an answer.

"It wasn't a date, it was work thinly veiled as fun."

"But you went together, which makes it a date."

"Nice try," You rose a finger, buckling in as the girl sped off toward the city streets. She'd always found sly ways to get you and George to admit there was something deeper to your connection. She'd introduce you to her friends as her brother's girlfriend. She'd address Christmas presents to the both of you, handing them out with a wink.

"I don't understand you two." She dramatically croaked now, as if your denial was her personal defeat. "You're catfishing the world!"

"We're not pretending to date." George reminded his sister, "And we're also not pretending we don't live together."

"Yeah so why aren't you dating? You do everything else together."

"We live to torment you. It's all to drive you mad" George falsely confessed.

"I wouldn't put it past you." His sibling let out a whine.

You and George shared a roll of your eyes, dulling snickers and exhausting explanations that weren't worth wading through. The midnight ride to your flat fell silent then. The night had been long, but it was a seemingly usual evening, these days.

By the time you and George shuffled up the drive, waved his sister goodnight, you were ready to forgo your usual routine and drop face-first into bed.

"I think my sister has a point," George mumbled, shutting and locking the front door.

"Hmm?" You encouraged George to go on, halfway in tune to listen, more so gearing up to head to bed after such a long evening out. George remained silent as you kicked your shoes off, and didn't speak again until he had your undivided attention.

"Let's get married," George said.

You tossed your head back in a laugh as you floated further into your shared home.

"I'm serious, y/n." George hurried along, moving to stop you from walking away, boring his sleepy eyes into yours.

"What?" You chuckled again, shaking your head, trying to keep up.

"We already live here. We've been talking about sharing a bank account. And it'll be so much easier to introduce as my wife than as 'my best friend who I live with but am not dating but go everywhere with.'"

"But that's the truth!"

"Marriage could be true! Think of how much easier life would be."

"George, how much have you had to drink?" You cackled as you pushed past him, into the kitchen for a glass of water. You clattered about the cupboards as he followed you, rambling still.

"I'm serious! We've planned out our lives together already. Future vacations, birthday parties, career deadlines, all accounted for with each other in mind. We should just get married."

"George! I will not let you lie at the altar. A wedding is for two people who want to commit every bit of their lives together for the rest of the foreseeable future."

"My plans for the weekend are always to ask you what you want to do the next. I'm your only emergency contact." George listed off these points as if they were dead giveaways.

"Okay, let's say we get married." You entertained, standing in front of George as he noshed on some deserts he'd brought home from the after-party. He raised a pretty brow, waiting for you to go on.

"Sure nothing changes at first, not really. You're already my ride to work, and I already promised to go to all those silly Hollywood parties with you. But what happens in five years when I want to move to France and you want to stay here? What happens in six months if some super hot mailman comes and sweeps me off my feet? What happens when you fall in love with some leading lady, George?"

"People get divorced all the time." He shrugged.

"That's a lot of money to blow. And for what? For a lousy label and some ugly rings?"

"So we pick out some bloody cool rings and promise to only get divorced if shit hits the fan. Neither of us can stay mad for long. Remember when I spilled wine on your great grandma's old lounge chair? I was fully prepared to be excommunicated. But you just hugged me while you cried." George chuckled, keeping his desserts close.

"Do you really wanna kiss me in front of your mother and the world and pretend that this is normal?" You tried to ask with a serious glare, but it was just too funny. You couldn't help but let out a little giggle of disbelief that this was the conversation you were having on an otherwise normal weekday evening.

"Y/n, we're practically already married."

"George I love you, but this is a stupid idea."

"I don't think it is, but I love you too. I'm taking this box of macaroons to bed, now."

"Okay goodnight you two." You laughed, pulling at the sleeves of your too-tight dress on your trek down the hall.

"Wait!" You called out, a few steps from your room. "Can you unzip this, please?" You took a few backward steps to meet where George had stalled in the hall, macaroon halfway in and out of his mouth, he balanced one hand on your shoulder and used the other to undo the zipper that hugged your spine.

"G'night!" You heard him mumble past his dessert as you gave him a wave of thanks and practically threw yourself into your nice warm bed.

///

You met George when you were kids. You grew up attending the same local festivals and schools. His acquaintance turned more familiar with each passing summer until you'd become rather inseparable. It was that fact that kept his number in your contacts when you moved to the city, and he went away to film more often.

You'd kept up lunch dates when he came back home, and celebrated holidays with his family every time they invited you to come round like they'd been doing for years. You'd even attended a few birthdays and dinner parties with his family when George was out of town, when you hadn't spoken with him in months.

You moved in with George some odd years ago, when the flat you rented threw one too many unfixable issues your way. His home was the closest to your work, and he was one of the only friends you trusted enough to reach out to for help. After occupying his guest room for a few months, George insisted you move your things into the place you'd already practically been living in.

His home was big enough, tucked away just outside of the city. It's high ceilings, warm decor and a manageable rent were easily and comfortably split between the two of you. It made sense. You'd been sharing most of your free time together for years, anyway.

You shuffled through the bright halls, past framed photos of George's family. Of you and George. There was no difference, you'd been close for so many years, your lives were complexly intertwined whether you liked it or not. Luckily, you did.

George was already in the sun-drenched kitchen when you entered, stretching into the new day.

After trading usual morning greetings you could practically hear George's silent, burning thoughts. He poured you each a cup of coffee and shot you a look you knew was meant to say much more than words could.

"Okay, what?" You asked in a warning tone, accepting the drink he placed before you at the table, before sitting in the chair at your side. You knew George had something to say, and he'd say it whether you asked him about it or not.

"My mum thinks we've been dating since Uni. You know we can't talk her out of it. If anything she'd be relieved."

Oh, he was really still hung up on this huh?

"So you wanna do this because of your mother?" You asked, watching the steam curl up from the drink between your hands.

"No. I wanna do this because being together officially would make all our being together anyway, so much easier. Bills, plans, excuses, rainy days."

You looked at George, his start blue eyes, his unkempt hair, that stupid withheld smile he got when he was focused on something. You loved him for longer than you had the patients to do the math for. You planned on loving him for a while, even when he pissed you off, you couldn't imagine struggling alongside anyone else...

"Earth to y/n."

"I'm not responding because you're starting to make sense and I don't like it." You pretended to pout. Then George went silent for a beat, his brilliant eyes searching your face.

"Do you still want to go bowling?" He pipped up as if he'd just remembered you'd said something about it a day earlier.

"Sounds fun, doesn't it?" You asked, hoping he'd join you in wasting a day having childlike fun. George bit back a grin, leaned in close to catch your eye, and said,

"If I win... we'll get married."

You wanted to curse his name through a laugh, but you very rarely could tell the man no. And you hated to admit it even to yourself, but the more you thought about it... the more you liked the idea.

"And if you win?" George mused, egging you on. But you didn't need to place bets to play.

"Let's go bowling, Mackay."

///

As you took turns knocking pins down, George brought up several valid points.

How his family adored you. How he'd drop anything to be there for you when you needed him. How you'd always talked about how scary the future seemed, but agreed it was better to face together, like always.

And you argued for a moment that maybe neither of you knew any better, how you were all each other knew since growing up.

But George pointed out that simply wasn't true. He'd traveled. Met girls, none of whom were around at all anymore. You'd dated and failed to find anyone worth keeping around. It was as if you and George were the survivors of some twisted game of life, having only managed this far because of how you relied on each other.

But you weren't on the same bowling team.

You were scoring strikes left and right a few solid points ahead in the game.

But George was close to beating you, one good turn and he'd wind up the winner.

All the while, George only stalled his passionate speeches to listen and laugh over yours. And as you considered how familiar his presence was, and the way you couldn't imagine living life any further apart, you'd made up your mind.

But every time you thought of voicing your decision, something stopped you. You bit your tongue and decided that you'd wait to see if your feelings changed soon. And after some serious thought, you could either tell George that you'd hate to let him down, but plan a movie night alongside his favorite dinner, to make up for your decline. Or you'd tell him yes, and agree to his stupidly sweet idea to get hitched. Because you couldn't tell him no.

He won the game.

But of course, George wasn't living and dying by the bet he made that coaxed you to play. And you never really agreed to it anyway. The two of you simply went on arguing on the way home, more or less about how you were on the same page, and just what to do next.

And while you made dinner together, your conversation stopped when you sucked in a big breath and spun on your heels across the room. You'd heard enough.

George raised a pale brow, sitting patiently at the table as the oven did its thing. Then he watched as you settled back to the seat across from him, placing a pad of paper and a pen down.

"If...we do this, I'm writing down rules."

George watched on, sipping tea as you scribbled away. Once you felt comfortable with the list of regulations you'd penned, you read from the marked-up note pad, one at a time.

"Okay, listen up..."

MARRIAGE RULES

one. No lying to family and friends. They get to know that this isn't conventional.

two. No lying to each other. We're only doing this to make things easier. We must remain every bit a team.

three. We must celebrate our anniversary because there's no point in not milking the chance to go on holiday.

"Now," You flipped the page to a new set of rules before George could go on smooth-talking.

DIVORCE RULES

"We can only get a divorce under dire circumstances. Which include the following..."

one. If we betray each other's morals or trust in a way that cannot be fixed or forgiven after a year's time.

two. If one of us is dying. Actively dying.

three. If one of us finds and falls in love.

"We've managed to work out all the bad shit together so far and I'm sure we can keep that up. A divorce is too much money to waste over one fight we end up resolving and remain otherwise together."

"So you'll do it?" George grinned, setting his drink to the side.

"Is this you asking me to marry you? It's very unromantic. Negative three out of ten." You laughed, George did too. But you needed to make yourself very clear.

"I'll think about it." You clarified. "You should too."

You’d tell him yes later. Because as much as it scared you... you'd already made up your mind.

───※ ·❆· ※───

taglist: @whenthe-smokeisinyoureyes @andux @imaginationandlove @velvetgoldsilver @queen-bunnyears @maria-josefin @dearevansamham @belledamsceno @nilletellsstories @haileymorelikestupid @loulouloueh​ @visionsofmelodrama

[delusionland]

i am once again thinking about the father / child dictohmy in batman mythos and how batman, like many boomer fathers, rules gotham through fear like a really emotionally intense dad with ptsd from The War, and how he takes on a hypermasculine role of being withholding and also a disciplinarian that PUNISHES to teach and TRAINS the weakness out of u with punishments / force and the occasional ‘good moments’ which are honestly plentiful, honestly happen all the time---but who are so marred in ur childhood memories by the scariness, by the fact that you are destined and were born to take care of this aging adult man as gotham’s son (as a gotham citizen) / or as his partner / ward robin... that it just feels. tainted.

here’s another note, tho, that is less on brand.

bruce is NOT training any of his children to ‘become batman.’ except for cass, when he gets old, bc she’s always believed in the symbol & in the power of fear & fatherhood & violence more than any of them, in her own way that she can still FULLY be a human person despite that AND because she views fear & fatherhood & violence as a conversation, as helping urself and learning in ur own way. she doesn’t view violence as bad, she views it as a challenge and a learning experience in a very... interesting, playful way, she has fucked up views on the world lol.

bruce does NOT want any of his children to become batman! the WHOLE point of robin is ‘you are not supposed to be me. you are supposed to be the light to batman’s dark. you are supposed to be an alternative to fear.’ robin is the ALTERNATIVE to batman, both for gotham, but also for his children, someone to grow into and be!

because bruce believes in the infinity capacity for good in everyone save himself, and does not view himself in his totality as good or evil but instead a Great Man (tm) as in philosophical theory where Great Men as Individuals Decide History Due To Their Amazing Intellect And Skills As Leaders. but he still views himself as fundamnetlally broken, unfixable, EVEN MY BRUCE, who is in therapy and is doing so to repair his relationship with his children.

he wants his children to be free of batman. he wants his children to be happy, smiling, bouncing little kids who run around the halls of wayne manor, who do backflips and smile even while fighting criminals. he does NOT want them to be fucking depressed sadsack man.

robin is always a counterpoint to batman, an opposing philosophical idea than ‘fear’ to supplement it. if humanity & life is infinite, as bruce truly believes--then there are an infinite portions of people’s self that responds more to hope & silliness than fear.

conversely, while bruce has always wanted to rule gotham thru fear---there is a large part of bruce that wants to be feared as batman by everyone save his children. there’s a reason he picks kids that go ‘batman is stupid af bro’ and that’s because. he likes being gentle, as every man and father secretly likes being gentle. he likes being able to be a PERSON beyond the fear & the costume, and robin allows him that.

even when bruce’s family grows to hate him, and they often do---they’re never, ever scared of him, and that’s what makes them most special to bruce. and that’s the most understanding bruce thinks he can hope for in his children---them roasting him, bc they understand he’s a pathetic old broken man & a withholding workaholic with anger issues who can’t change, the ptsd between boomer and gen x dad who might as WELL have gone to vietnam (and probably did but like to train martial arts or some shit not be a soldier lol)... but now... at 60... my bruce really WANTS to be more than that for them.

[treenahasthaal]

Do you have any headcanons about Luke skywalker? (Just him in general, how he was affected by the OT events, and whatever else you want to share?) I love your take on Luke in all your writings!

Hi, and thanks for the ask and my apologies for not answering earlier. 

Firstly, thank you very much for your kind words and I’m thrilled that you like my take on Luke. It means a lot when people like my scribbles. 

Do I have any headcanons on Luke? 

I’ve been pondering this since this ask appeared and I did actually have to look up what exactly headcanon was - yes, I know it, and yes I understood it, but I never really considered that I had headcanon. That seems a little daft, doesn’t it? Of course I have headcanon.

In no particular order - (and I do believe that some of these are also canon-Luke)

Luke is loyal to a fault. He absolutely will not betray his friends or family or want to let them down. He would prefer to die himself than see them hurt. It’s why he went back to the farm on Tatooine when he and Kenobi found the burned out Sand Crawler despite the danger, it’s also why he left Dagobah and one of the reasons he left the strike squad on Endor (to distract Vader and Palpatine - or so he thought, bless him).

(Therefore, I cannot, ever, accept Rian Johnson’s bitter-Luke, although there are similarities his Luke and my Luke share. However…)

Luke is not a coward. Ever.

Luke would NOT confront (that was the word used by Luke in The Last Jedi) a young Ben Solo in the middle of the night while the boy slept (which to me is cowardly). Luke would go to Ben in daylight and TALK with him. If Ben turned on him, Luke would defend himself, but he would NOT try to kill the boy. That is Han and Leia’s child!  (I have a half written scene of this…)

Luke would not run away from issues – no, Luke always runs TO issues. “I can fix this! I can save him!”

I have no issue with Luke being on the Island – not just to hide and die. Luke would have a PURPOSE for being there. A reason, and when his sister called Luke absolutely would respond.

Anyway…

Luke’s good with his hands - like his father. He has an affinity with machines and can fix the unfixable. 

He is generally a humble person - although he knows he’s a good pilot. He knows he’s a bloody good pilot and will brag of his exploits when he gets the chance. (I used to bullseye womprats in my T-16 back home…).

He doubts his own skills and abilities – apart from the above. Again a product of a childhood on Tatooine and with an uncle who dampened any aspirations he may have and who gave little praise. (Owen did not mean to be mean – he wanted to protect Luke). Owen loved Luke.

Luke and Beru were close. She let him away with things his Uncle would not have been pleased about.

He didn’t excel at school, although he is very intelligent. He’s a dreamer – remember.

He’s a killer. He knows he’s a killer. He was raised on a ruthless desert planet that takes no prisoners and Luke will not hesitate to kill to defend. He will also kill to eat. (Take note of the shooting of the detention centre guards - Luke seems to be the one to kill first.) I’m not saying he’s blood thirsty – but he can be ruthless.

He vomited after the Battle of Yavin. The enormity of what he did on the Death Star, and too the Death Star, hit and he was as sick as pig. He partied hard and pretended he was fine, but the enormity of what he did and the number he killed hit him hard. It stayed with him his entire life.

Luke is not a virgin by ANH. There was a brief dalliance with a friend of friend in his landspeeder not long after his 18th birthday.

Luke is straight - (although I agree with Mark Hamill that Luke can be whatever fans want him to be. This fan sees him as straight). Luke is a young, hot blooded, male who knows nothing of the Jedi’s tenants of “no attachments.” He attaches a lot after Yavin. (Often to forget what he did and how many died). My head canon also has him having child(ren) from his sowing of wild oats when he was younger. Although it’s not something I’ve ever really written about in my fanfic.

There is a darkness in Luke. A deep darkness. He knows it himself. It’s always been there; when he killed womprats, when he beat Fixer to thread the stone needle in beggars canyon, when he callously grabbed the body of the dead Imperial off the console (ANH) to allow Han in. It was there in ESB (the cave – he being his own worst enemy), it was definitely there in Return of the Jedi and look how glad he was, how satisfied he was, that Jabba didn’t bargain. The Dark side of the Force really, really wants Luke.

If he was to turn, he would be insatiable in ways that Vader is not.

He’s quick to anger, has little patience, and wants everything done yesterday. 

Luke mopes. Is prone to thinking too much in quiet moments. He will take responsibility for things that were not his fault. He is prone to depressive feelings – although not enough that it would overcome his sense of loyalty and duty.

Luke doesn’t like to be idle – although his uncle would disagree! Luke needs to be doing something.

He takes on too much. Says “yes,” too often and this is a throwback to having too few friends on Tatooine, to being bullied. He wants to be liked.

Luke likes a good drink – hence the “partied hard,” after Yavin. But he is not predisposed to a dependency.

He grieves hard for his family, for his friends who were killed. 

He has his mother’s heart and her sense of justice.

Luke is contradiction – after all he is a Skywalker!

He has an absolutely filthy sense of humour.

He blushes easily.

He loves food…. I mean, OMG LOOK AT THAT STEAK! He eats quickly, stuffs his mouth, and his aunt used to despair at his manners.

He almost died when he was younger after being bitten by a viper.

Joining the Rebellion, climbing the ranks, did give him disciple and helped temper many of his impulses – especially when he had to command men under him and make decisions that would result in deaths – that’s why, like Anakin, he lead from the front. He gained the loyalty of many.

Luke would like (would have liked) a family of his own.

Luke did not stick to the beliefs of the Jedi (or their dress sense – another thing I didn’t like about the ST. Coming from a place where clothing had to be practical I could not understand why Luke would chose to dress in the long robes of the Jedi, and was happy he ditched them when going about his day).

 I have probably not covered everything and may come back and add to this list. It’s really funny that in all my years of writing that I have never considered what my own headcanon for Luke is. I just write him. If I can see him, I mean if I can literally see him and hear him in my head, then I can write him. If I don’t see it or hear it then it’s not Luke and I have to re-think things. Does that make sense? I am a visual writer. I describe what I see and sometimes I get a surprise when Luke flips things on me.

I hope I have answered the question.

[thenovelartist]

The Love Dare, chapter 5

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Day 8

Marinette rarely liked ripping pages out of notebooks, much preferring to keep everything together, but as she completed part of today’s dare, she couldn’t care less. She didn’t even rip it cleanly, preferring to leave a jagged edge where she ripped out the page as a reminder of what exactly she ripped out.

She lit a candle then held the page that read “Adrien’s Negative Attributes” over the flame. Fire licked the edge of the pink paper, catching hold of it before quickly eating it away. She had to be careful so as not to burn herself, but soon enough, the paper was nothing but ashes she swept up with her hand and tossed away.

She headed into the kitchen, hoping that she would see Adrien when he headed out.

Luckily, she did.

“Aren’t your tryouts for the National team today?”

Adrien paused before he could take another step. “Uh… yeah,” he said, his tone thankfully free of sass.

“Good luck today.”

Adrien stared at her skeptically. “Thank you.”

She gave him a smile that was mostly true. Facing him was hard, but like Tikki said, this wasn’t going to work if she didn’t put in the effort.

Adrien turned to leave after that, leaving Marinette alone in the kitchen. Her expression fell as she went back to finishing making her breakfast.

…

“If they don’t give you the spot on the team, Adrien,” Plagg commented when they were driving home, “they’re terrible judges of fencing.”

“What’s going on with Marinette?”

Plagg hid his surprise with an impassive, “What do you mean?”

“She’s being nice.”

“She’s your wife.”

“She said she was done, and now she’s all sweet-talking me? Telling me ‘good luck’ for tryouts she didn’t even know about in the first place.”

Plagg bristled at Adrien’s tone. Apparently, it was too much to ask for him to take her kindness at face-value. “Maybe she realized it was a mistake to say that and is sorry about it.”

“Then why didn’t she just apologize?”

Kwamis have mercy, Plagg was going to beat Adrien over the head. “Would you have accepted it?”

That got Adrien to freeze.

“Maybe it wouldn’t kill you to be nice in return instead of being all testy over her wishing you luck.”

Adrien grunted, but Plagg knew he wasn’t convinced. There was a long road ahead of Adrien, but the fact he had listened to Plagg at all was a start.

…

Day 9

Dear Diary,

Today’s dare should have been simple. How hard could it be to tell Adrien “welcome home. I hope you had a good day.”

The saying was easy. Keeping a smile was hard, especially when he looks at me like skeptically like that. It hurts because there’s no breaking through this. He’s set on thinking I’m the bad guy for some reason and I don’t know why. What did I do that’s so wrong? That I’m working to keep his father’s company alive? That I’ve tried to talk to him but he never wants to open up. I’m not in the wrong here and I don’t understand why I’m the one even caring about fixing this marriage when he’s refusing to look at himself and think that maybe possibly he’s the one in the wrong.

I’m just so tired and I fear for tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

…

Day 10

“Something’s wrong,” Kagami observed. “You’ve been very quiet. I know we haven’t known each other long, but you do not strike me as the kind of person who is quiet and reserved all the time.”

Adrien sighed. He and Kagami had gotten close surprisingly quickly. She was sharp, observant, and always willing to listen. “Let’s just say I’m going through some relationship troubles.”

“Ahh,” she said, her tone even. “Is it a trouble that will pass, or is it a long-standing issue?”

“Long-standing,” Adrien admitted.

“Then the problem needs to be addressed, and if it cannot be addressed yet is causing you stress, the only solution is to cut off the relationship.”

Adrien looked at her, his eyes wide.

Kagami nodded. “You cannot let a bad relationship keep you locked into a bad position. That’s setting you up for failure. You must cut off anyone toxic before it kills you.”

Her words struck a chord in Adrien. But somehow, they didn’t feel right. Marinette, toxic? Things with her were tense, yes. Unfixable, maybe. Toxic…

He supposed his father was, and Marinette was acting like his father.

“You don’t believe her, do you?” Plagg asked once Kagami had left.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

Plagg gave him a flat look. “Kid, I get what she’s saying, and it’s good advice, but do you really think that that advice pertains to your relationship with Marinette?”

That was all Adrien could think about the rest of the day.

…

Marinette was tired. Really tired. The day had been long and crappy.

But she had to do todays dare.

“Love is unconditional,” she whispered to herself. “So I have to prove it somehow.”

That “somehow” ended up being going grocery shopping so he didn’t have to. And maybe a dark chocolate bar that he happened to like ended up in her cart. Dark chocolate was healthy. And she knew Adrien: if he was presented with a treat that he could justify in his diet, he’d take it.

She just finished putting the last of the groceries away when Adrien got home, take-out bag in hand. When he looked up and saw her, he froze.

She smiled like the smell of his dinner wasn’t making her jealous. Like it didn’t hurt that he very likely didn’t get her anything or even think to ask. “Hey,” she said. “And here I was just about to get started on dinner.”

Adrien looked away from her at the bag. “We didn’t have anything in the house.”

“I went grocery shopping.”

His full attention snapped back to her.

She shrugged. “I guess I’ll just make myself something,” she said, trying to find the quickest out in this conversation that she could. “Enjoy your meal.” It was said without animosity, or at least she hoped so. Behind the refrigerator door, she bit her lip to stop the myriad of emotions bubbling up.

She heard him turn and march off. Probably to the master bedroom.

No longer hungry, Marinette headed back to her room, shutting the door before pulling out her diary.

Dear Diary,

Day 10 was a bust. As all the other days have been. It hurt that he brought home food for himself today after yelling at me last week about his diet. Honestly, it feels like he said that just so that he could spite me that day I brought home pastries for him. He’s not responding to anything. It’s like he really doesn’t care.

I know I said I wanted to continue, but a couple days in and it’s hard again for a whole other reason. This HURTS. If he’s not going to respond, then what’s the point.

…

“There’s a girl Adrien works with,” Plagg said. “And I don’t like her.”

“You’ve mentioned that.”

“She point blank told Adrien to end the relationship with Marinette.”

“What!”

“Shhhh!” Plagg grabbed Tikki and yanked her back down to their hiding spot in the kitchen. “Don’t be so loud or Adrien’s going to catch on that I’m talking to you.”

“You’re telling me there is a girl trying to convince Adrien to go through with divorce and you expect me to keep it down?” Tikki challenged.

“I’m trying to stop him from listening to her,” Plagg said. “But the problem is that she’s filling in for what Marinette isn’t doing. Rather, what that idiot thinks she isn’t doing.”

“Ohhhhh,” Tikki growled, her little clenched paws shaking. “I can’t believe that woman.”

“I’m doing all I can, Tikki, but Marinette has to step up and be here more so that maybe I can get it through his thick head that Marinette isn’t the bad guy here.”

“Don’t blame my chosen like yours is perfect.”

The silence that followed was an uncomfortable one.

“I’m sorry, Tikki,” Plagg said, his ears falling. “I’m just worried for my chosen. He’s not listening to sense.”

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have snapped,” Tikki said. “They’re both equally hurt and I don’t know what it’s going to take for each to realize they aren’t the only one suffering. I’m trying to hold out hope, but Marinette is fading quickly again and she’s only a quarter of the way through.”

With a sigh, Plagg grabbed Tikki’s paws. “There’s still time. We just keep working. We have to. These two cannot give up on each other yet.”

[windwardrose]

I know that there are many wrongdoers in the world and many more who deal damage in ignorance but - some days I really have a special aggravation about incompetent dog owners.

I don’t mean dog owners who aren’t up to date on all the research, who buy their dog from a backyard breeder or even a pet shop, who feed store-brand kibble or table scraps or whatever they can afford... I mean the ones who really fail at instilling in and providing for their dogs the skills and protections needed for life in this world. I’ve been a friend of rescue dogs since I was a kid and good grief the damage that comes out of those sorts of situations. Not the terrible abuse/neglect cases even but the heartworm positive dogs, the ones who snap at other dogs or at peoples’ hands that come too close too quickly, who guard their food and can’t handle strangers, who aren’t housetrained or leash-trained, who think everyday occurrences are the end of the world. The shy and the reactive and the unruly and the unhealthy and the unfixed. All the things that happen when someone doesn’t socialize, doesn’t train, doesn’t enforce, doesn’t treat and protect.

(And all this goes 1000x if you’re a breeder.)

That dog and its issues don’t vanish once they’re out of your house. They’re on the street somewhere or in a concrete kennel, waiting for someone else to fix the problems that you didn’t. And when I say waiting I mean those dogs are literally waiting, by the doors of their rooms and the ends of their runs, waggy tails and soft fur, loving on the people they trust and looking for someone to be there for them. I’ve seen them and sung to them and hugged them and left them behind because I’m not in a place to save them - I’ve already got one nervy little poodle who thinks the world’s probably out to get her, and my life’s a mess these days. I can’t be the fixer of broken things right now, not by those means at least.

I know that not everyone knows everything. So ask, google, talk to your vet, find a trainer, go to Petco or something and get the cashiers’ advice. Or if you’re not in a place financially or otherwise to have a dog, rehome it responsibly. There’s no shame in realizing what you can’t sensibly give. Don’t just let things take their course. You can’t make a dog perfect no matter how hard you try, but it’s always better to try.

And if you’re a dog owner and someone asks you for help, if someone comes to you for advice - be polite, be kind, be understanding, don’t overwhelm or shame, just teach and demonstrate. There’s an awful lot of nice perks you can give a dog, and it would be great if more dogs had them - but there are some things they need and those should be our first priority.

And if you do have what you need to be a fixer of broken things, of course, go and do it. I promise you there’s some critter out there waiting for someone like you.

...I’m more sad than mad, I think. I just got back from the SPCA and a lovely dark brindle fluff who’s HW+, all skin and bones under his tiger-striped coat, picked up as a stray and returned from 2 fosters partly because of dog and human nervousness. Whatever his past behavior, his current life rule apparently is that if there is a human nearby their hands must be on him. He wanted to follow me out of the kennel room, bless him, which of course he couldn’t be allowed to do.

I hope someone comes and opens that door soon and he never has to go back in. Just like precious paranoid Goldie the Aussie went home in the end, and Rys is asleep on my sofa now.

Best wishes to the wanderers today, dog and human alike.

[not-poignant]

Hi! Love your writing and your serials so much! Do you ever think about finishing a serial totally before posting it chapter by chapter? Are there good and bad sides to doing it the way you do it?

Hi anon!

I do think about finishing a serial totally before posting it chapter by chapter because honestly that would be the logically sane thing to do. But do I do it? No. My desperation for interaction and comments absolutely makes this impossible. The most I can do is write ahead about 8 chapters, and even that drives me up the wall, as I think ‘BUT I WANT TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH THE RAVEN PRINCE RIGHT NOW DAMN IT.’

So for people who hear that I’ve completed 7 chapters and might be feeling antsy I am also feeling this feeling.

Are there good and bad sides to doing it the way you do it?             

Yes! :D Let’s chat about them. And by chat, I mean, let me ramble about that for no good reason for some time.

I mean the biggest cons to writing serials as you go really come down to the fact that it’s super easy to write myself into a dead end or cul de sac. I actually...don’t mind this feeling? I really enjoy being creative to get myself out of it. But there’s always the fear that somehow I’ll write myself into something that’s completely unfixable. Or worse, that I’ll abandon the work. That happens rarely, and so far on AO3, that hasn’t happened with a long work yet (only short ones, though I’m sure we all thought TGATNW was abandoned for a good long while - I mean I did too).

The other biggest con is not being able to do a huge structural edit before putting up a story. This means that say, for example, if I look back one day and realise the story works better by completely editing/rearranging something, this is almost never going to actually happen. Which means I’m left with works that get a lot of editing chapter by chapter, but no global editing where I look at the whole once it’s finished, fixing things structurally before anyone else sees it. I can do that with novels, but I don’t do that with serials.

It is easier to mitigate that with chapter plans, which I do for things like The Ice Plague so that I can see the global plot structure before committing to it.

But overall, authors don’t go back and edit AO3 serials, especially not super long ones, after it’s already up. That I think is the biggest downside. And if you do go back and edit, sometimes people notice and that...doesn’t end well either. Like, I took about 10,000 words out of the SALverse to shore it up and edit it afterwards, and that took me a while, and I got way more negative comments about it than positive comments about it. Even if it’s just some paragraphs here and there, people who treasure the first version do not like having a new version sprung on them, on AO3, without warning. And I feel like I should have given people a chance to download the original version first.

This is actually a big issue with editing Game Theory. I know I can make it more professional, but I also love the absolute fucking mess that it is, and I know that I’m not alone in that. If I change it, newcomers might find it easier to enter the fandom, but old readers may feel betrayed in the process. It’s a balancing game re: post-editing a serial in general. And you’re more likely to need that editing if you’re going chapter by chapter, instead of having it there all at once.

That being said, I think the pros are worth it? At least for me? I’ve been doing it this way for well over half a decade now and I still love it so much that even though it would probably be smarter for me to quit serials and only focus on publishing novels, I choose serials over novels in general. (And therefore publish books rarely, but serials frequently).

The good sides are that I get more immediate feedback than someone writing an entire story at once. That just feels really great. Comments make the world go around.

There’s also extra engagement. Cliffhangers are evil and FUN. Getting asks wondering what’s happening next are awesome! These things can potentially happen if you’ve already finished the serial, and are putting it up chapter by chapter too - that’s true - but I feel like there’s an immediacy when I’m replying to comments literally within like, two weeks of having written that chapter. Versus months or years later, when I’m less engaged in the story as the reader.

Sometimes there will be a push in the comments that let me see something I wouldn’t have seen on my own. For example, I didn’t expect so many people to not understand humiliation as a kink in Eversion, and getting that realtime feedback collectively from a lot of people (even people who read things like Game Theory without blinking) allowed me to adjust the story and include a section where Luuk breaks down Connor’s humiliation kink with Connor, so that readers can actually explicitly see why Connor likes it so much, experiencing that in Connor’s words and from his own perspective. i would never have thought to do that otherwise.

While solo comments don’t influence the major decisions in the story (I just love them), there will be comment trends that let me know: which side characters people are really loving - I’ll sometimes spotlight them a little more as a result (Flitmouse and Anton both got way more ‘screentime’ because of how people responded to them), which main characters people are appreciating / enjoying, who people are getting annoyed with. And I can make very in the moment changes when I sit down to write the next chapter, that don’t interfere too much with the structure of the book, because I don’t have it all finished in front of me at the point where I sit down to the write the chapter.

I like the improvisation factor! I like not always knowing exactly what is coming from week to week! I enjoy the spirit of Works in Progress from a fannish perspective. That is, I really like it - as a reader myself - when I read other WIPs from authors and get to enjoy the creative process with them as a reader. I get to see what they’re thinking, they might leave a few personal notes in the author’s notes, I get to comment if I feel like it, I get to be a part of fandom! And I feel like...this is a particularly fannish experience that I really love specifically through AO3.

Honestly writing the whole serial at once and then posting it chapter by chapter feels...weird and not really a part of that fannish process in the same way. (Which isn’t to take away from anyone else who does this, but it doesn’t work for me!)

And I guess finally, if I wrote something completely in advance, then...I have a book. Or a series. Why wouldn’t I just...publish that as a book or series of books? Instead of a serial of chapters? I suppose I figure like, if I’m going to do it all at once, then I might as well just...publish a book all at once. Idk why my brain works that way, but it does. :D

I feel like maybe I’m missing something (you’re probably thinking: but how Pia you just wrote so goddamn much and it basically only amounts to a tl’;dr of you being fucking needy for comments), but that’s about the sum of it! :D I’m glad you’re enjoying the writing!

[hopeduckling13]

A Wish Come True: Chapter 18

Summary:  How quickly can your mood change from pure happiness to pure horror? In a millisecond.The day Killian and Emma found out they were true love, they were ecstatic. That is until, they were forced to say goodbye to each other. For forever. Or so they thought.Can they still manage to find their true love for each other after five years of seperation or is it too late?

Fandom: Once Upon A Time

Ship: Captain Swan

Rating: M

Setting: 5 years after 5x20 Firebird

Also on AO3, FF.net and Wattpad

Catch up on Tumblr: [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10] [Chapter 11] [Chapter 12] [Chapter 13] [Chapter 14] [Chapter 15] [Chapter 16] [Chapter 17]

Reblog to be tagged in future chapters: @mcakers

~~~ EMMA’S POV ~~~

He got here yesterday, and I didn’t even know. He obviously didn’t even want me to know. Otherwise, he would’ve visited me, right? 

It just doesn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t Killian want to see me? He loves me, I know that without a doubt. He told me many times and I can feel it 24/7. He wouldn’t lie to me - especially not about loving me. He can’t fake his feelings for me. They just run too deep.

Not that he could lie to be about this since we’re true love. It was confirmed by that door in the Underworld.

The only reasonable explanation for everything is, that he saw me with Carter. But where? Please tell me it was only the Sheriff’s station. And not anytime in my home. I don’t remember much from last night due to quite some amount of wine. Alcohol mixed with my depressing thoughts yesterday isn’t a good combination, so whatever happened, it can’t be good. 

All I can hope is, that Killian didn’t come anywhere near our house.

I don’t wish that on him. I already hate, that he had to see Carter calling me disgusting pet names and kissing my cheek. And just in general the fact, that he knows I’ve been dating Carter for the past few years.

I hurt him enough, so I want to spare him any extra pain.

I never should’ve tried to make my mother happy. Now all of this is coming back and messing with my relationship. 

And the worse thing is, that my mother still seems to think, that Carter is what’s best for me. She’s messing with Killian’s head and his heart. I seriously need to pay her a visit and set her mind straight! She can’t just act like Killian being back is a bad thing. How crappy is that? Wishing your daughter’s boyfriend dead? Or even just wanting any good person to be dead!

I need to get her to stop talking like that before she gets her wish and breaks us up!

She’s causing enough trouble already. I can’t let it go on any longer. We’re going to have a nice little chat. As soon as I fixed this problem she caused.

Killian isn’t even back for a whole day, and we’re already fighting. That never used to be us. Well, except the Dark Ones phase, but I don’t count that. That wasn’t either of our fault. It was the darkness.

I just can’t take this anymore. Fighting with Killian is the last thing I want. It’s exhausting. It breaks me. I have to fix this.

I can’t lose him. I’d never forgive myself, if he’d walk out our door today. I just got him back.

I look up at Killian. He’s facing me with sad eyes.

“You’ve been here since yesterday? Why didn’t you tell me? Where were you?” My voice is still weak from the crying. I’m sure these won’t be the last tears for today, either. But this has to be done now. I can’t let fear control me.

I’m the Savior after all. I fought a dragon and countless other villains. I can do this!

I scoot closer to Killian again, needing his warmth to get me through this conversation.

He sighs and takes a deep breath.

“I got back yesterday evening. I went to the Sheriff’s station to check up on you, but Carter arrived a moment before me. I followed him. At first, I still had every intention to walk inside, but he gave you those flowers and hugged you. You looked so happy. I didn’t want to take that away from you. I didn’t want to complicate your life, so I went back to my ship.” He tells me, looking at me completely broken. His eyes search mine for forgiveness.

I caress his cheek with my hand in order to comfort him. Also, to tell him, that everything will be alright - that we will be alright.

Luckily he only visited the station. Good.

That is until I realise something else is off.

If Killian thought I was so happy, why did he come to my house this morning? Did he for a second accept, that I don’t have any feelings for Carter?

“And this morning you just suddenly changed your mind about wanting to see me? Not that I’m complaining, it’s just weird.” I ask.

He takes my hand and looks down at it. Squeezing it as if he’s trying to get strength from it. What the hell happened?

It can’t be that bad, can it?

“Actually, no. I didn’t. I’m sorry, Swan, but I intended to leave town. I saw you moved on and I didn’t want to reopen old wounds, so I thought it was for the best.”

My hand slips from his face. The tears spill once again.

Everyone always left me. First my parents put me through a magical wardrobe. Every single foster family I ever had threw me out like trash. Neal let me go to prison like I never meant anything to him. I probably never did.

I found my parents again, but it was too late. They just replaced me with my brother. At least that’s what it felt like ever since mom revealed her darkest secret. If it wasn’t for that, it’d be normal to have a little sibling.

Graham died and left me with that. 

Walsh turned out to be a fucking flying monkey. On top of that, he tried to kill me.

Even Henry sort of left me by starting to favour Regina more and more.

No one ever stayed with me. I was never enough for anyone.

I always believed, that Killian was the rare exception. But now he intended to leave me, too. 

That’s why he keeps acting like I’m in love with Carter, doesn’t he? He still wants to leave. He realized, that he’s better off without me. 

I really am still that lost little girl, who doesn’t matter. Apparently, I have some big issues.

I can’t even manage to get my true love to love me forever.

Am I really that unlovable? Am I just that unfixable?

I’m sobbing hard, and suddenly Killian’s arms are snugly around me. He holds me in his arms, hand in my hair and kisses my cheek repeatedly. I want to push him away. I want to be angry with him, but I just can’t. Not physically and not emotionally.

Killian is my anchor. He’s the one person, that can always comfort me. He saved me in more ways than one, even though I’m supposed to be the Savior. I just can’t let go of him.

Hell, I spent five years grieving him and it didn’t get better for even a percent. People always say that time heals, but I never recovered a bit from losing Killian. 

He pulls away from me a little, keeping me close with his hooked arm. He looks at me with sadness. There are tears in his eyes, too. He puts his hand on my cheek and starts to talk, kissing every inch of my face, except my lips, between words.

“I’m sorry, Swan. I’m so sorry. But please understand, that none of this is your fault. I didn’t want to leave – not ever. You’re the only thing in my life, that makes sense to me. Of course, I didn’t want to lose you. I just thought you loved him. I see now, that that was wrong. I was wrong.”

I lie my head back on his shoulder.

I continue sobbing into Killian’s chest, but the sobs begin to fade, eventually. His arms always have that effect on me.

He’s great at comforting me, but that doesn’t mean I forgive him. 

I pull away and see that Killian still has tears in his eyes, too. So, I didn’t imagine them earlier. Besides that, his whole gaze just screams fear. He thinks this might break us, doesn’t he? Well, I won’t let that happen.

“Yes, you were wrong.” I say, my tone cold as ice. “You let jealousy get the best of you. Why would you do that, Killian? We’ve been confirmed true love! So, why would I want to be with anyone but you? How could you think, that anyone could compare to you even in the slightest?” 

“I’m sorry, love. I never should’ve doubted you and I promise, that from now on, I’ll trust you completely.” Killian takes my hand carefully. I let him and interlace our fingers. “And I won’t ever even consider leaving again. Luckily, your lad talked some sense into me before I did something, I’d regret.”

I raise my head in confusion. “Wait. What did you just say?”

“Henry came by this morning to check on my ship. He saw me and well, convinced my that I should stay here. If it wasn’t for your lad, I’d probably be far away by now.” He looks down again, obviously embarrassed and sad at the same time.

I’m still mad at him, maybe even more because he really would have left this morning. He doesn’t seem to make this up. 

But I put that aside for now, and give his hand a squeeze. My hand touches his cheek softly. He automatically leans into my touch. It’s still like second nature to us. It’s like the last five years never happened. Maybe that’s what true love is all about.

“I’m glad you didn’t leave.” I smile at him. His eyes meet mine. They’re still filled with sadness. He seems to be as angry with himself as I am deep down. He’s beating himself up about this.

Good. Regret means, that he won’t do it again. It means that he really is the person, that I’ve missed for five years. The person I love.

I know now more than ever, that we’ll get through this.

I peck his lips. Then, I lean my forehead on his and whisper. “We’ll be alright.”

[poetryasf-ck]

Good Grief #4 - Lloyd Robinson

Lloyd Robinson has almost twenty years of performance experience as an actor, poet, and musician. He is one of the few performers holding the title ‘Bad Boy Of Spoken Word’, is a multiple slam winner, the reigning Axis slam champion, and qualified for the Scottish National Slam Championship the last three years running.

Lloyd is the host and co-organiser of Edinburgh’s most exciting new-material poetry night, ‘The God Damn Debut Slam’ in the Scottish Poetry Library. He has been featured at many of Scotland’s more popular spoken word events, in particular Hidden Door Festival and StAnza literary festival. He has also independently released an album of spoken word and music, ‘Reclaimed Memories’, has a degree in Creative Writing & Drama, and a diploma in psychotherapy.

Image credit: Perry Jonsson

1. Why, if there was a reason, did you write this poem/these poems?

Catharsis. Therapy. As a tribute to my brother in law who took his own life, and to raise awareness of the very real issue of Male suicide. I have a compulsion to try and ‘fix’ bad situations, but obviously this was unfixable, so writing about it was the closest I could get.

2. Why, upon writing this poem/these poems, did you perform them?

To raise awareness. And to be totally honest, to shock the audience. I want them to be uncomfortable. I want them to remember this material out of everything else they see, and have a newfound respect for the gravity of the subject. Not only that, but suicide is still socially permissible to joke about, and I want people to think twice next time they laugh at it.

3. How does performing this piece change how you look at what happened to you?

It makes me feel more in control after something very chaotic. I like to think that he would like the piece and be proud of me.

4. How do you separate artistic performance from lived personal experience?

Focus entirely on replicating my more successful rehearsals, improving performance and heightening audience reaction. I am making art for public consumption, so I choose that as my focus. Also, quite subconsciously I (for the most part) avoid the ‘I’ pronoun, instead using ‘we’, which gives me a little more distance.

5. Do you find yourself affected negatively by performing this piece? If so, how do you look after yourself?

When I started performing it, I would be somewhat exhausted afterwards. These days though, not so much. It can depend on the audience. If they’re clearly very emotionally affected that has fed into my performance before. I’ve never lost control and become tearful, but I have felt intense.

6. Do you practice any aftercare after performing this piece (either for yourself or audiences)? (E.g., talking to audience members who are upset, taking some time out after your performance to ground yourself, ensuring you perform in places where you feel safe etc.)

I try and be around post-show; I reliably get at least one audience member come up to me afterwards who has been affected by suicide. They always thank me because being bereaved in this manner can completely alienate people and make them feel alone. For that reason I consider it important to perform this piece and make the time for them, so they realise they are not.

7. Do you do any content warnings for this piece? Why?

Depends on the night. If it’s a night with a more therapeutic lean, or it is specifically designed to be a safe space, or friendly to vulnerable people then yes. Really, in that context I probably wouldn’t perform it anyway unless it was actually requested or on theme. If not, then no. When people go out to see live entertainment, the performer should work in service of entertainment. Theatre isn’t supposed to be 100% safe, and performance poetry IS theatre. If an audience has come to a poetry show on purpose, the implicit relationship is that there will be emotional themes addressed, you don’t have to know anything about the scene to realise that. People watch theatre to be elevated and catharsis through experiencing challenging performances is a big part of that. Content warnings, unless handled very carefully, can break the rhythm and illusion of the show, as well as creating preconceptions about a piece.

EG; I have been in the audience when someone has started a poem with ‘trigger warning, suicide’ which IMMEDIATELY put me on edge. However, the poem itself was really comforting and I’m glad I ignored my instinct to leave.

THAT BEING SAID context is important, I’m not about to blanket damn trigger warnings. A LARGE part of serving the entertainment of the night is the ability to read the room, spot when something isn’t appropriate and make a call. If I’m doing the poem as part of a longer set, I will usually do a brief intro to it, not specifically making a content warning (although one is implied), but to steer the audience into a different energy. In reality you can never 100% tell which way a performance will go. Someone could be fine hearing a poem about suicide, but get upset with a poem about food because they have a history of eating disorders. There does come a point where you have to acknowledge all audience reaction as valid even if the audience straight up walks out. Sometimes trigger warnings are very necessary. Sometimes putting a trigger warning in front of a piece is actually more about giving yourself an illusion of control that you don’t, in reality, have.

8. Does the artist owe any kind of protection or safeguarding to their audience?

Yes and no. The artist owes organisers and programmers an accurate representation of their performance practice and general content so they can be booked for appropriate nights. They owe it to the audience to create art to the best of their ability. If their art is massively triggering, though, they have to be prepared to not be booked very often, or only for specific nights, or to have to put on their own shows. It is the organiser’s job to keep the audience safe, especially at curated nights, where they should know their regular audience well enough to bring in acts that will succeed. When there is an open mic element, the responsibility is a little more shared. Again, you have to read the room but you also have to acknowledge that you are a part of a community. If you are unfamiliar with the nights setup/it’s your first time, you should either scout it out first or bring a backup piece in case your chosen material isn’t going to work. There is no ‘don’t be an asshole’ rule, but there is an understanding that you should ‘try not to be an asshole’. Still, ultimately it is the organisers responsibility. They have to serve the needs of their night, and if someone steps to the mic and directly works against those needs, they have to be able to stop it.

BUT AGAIN this is not a hard and fast rule. Art practices don’t exist in a vacuum and absolutes are rarely sufficient to support the balance between safety and progress. Nuance exists.

For a scene in rude health, there needs to be a wide variety of event types. The safer spaces need to exist, because vulnerable people deserve entertainment and self-expression, but they ideally would exist in parallel with middle-of-the-road-pop-Poetry for the newcomers, and a more extreme end of the spectrum where limits can be tested, because such testings are VITAL to the evolution of the artform. ‘Saved’ by Edward Bond featured the stoning of a baby onstage and it resulted in a court case that DESTROYED the Thatcherite censorship of British theatre. ‘Shopping & Fucking’ featured drug abuse and violent rape, but broke new ground, opened doors for today’s pioneers of queer theatre and predicted the neo liberal society of today. ‘Ubu’ by Alfred Jarry was considered so nonsensical and artless that it caused TWO FUCKING RIOTS on opening night, but it spawned numerous artistic movements, without which we wouldn’t have Monty Python or Mighty Boosh. Nights need to exist where decency is malleable, simply for the evolution of the artform. Great art is not impossible when subjects are considered ‘off limits’ or ‘inappropriate’ BUT there are great things that can be achieved by breaking perceived barriers.

HOWEVER. NUANCE AGAIN.

We can’t have a blanket ‘anything goes’ approach, even at the most basic level. You have to restrict hate speech for a start, because one confident speaker given a platform can convert others to a cause. You have to no-platform predators and abusers because they will pretend to be innocent and use a platform to find more victims. This, as far as I can tell, is the most pressing responsibility an artist and an organiser has. It’s not a service to the artform, it’s a service to society, so in this case, yes, the artist, and to be honest EVERYONE is responsible for bombarding hatespeech, bigotry and abuse with poison until it dies like the fucking cancer that it is.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

9. Do you believe writing about areas such as grief, loss or trauma is a form of healthy catharsis or memorialisation?

Yes. NEXT QUESTION.

Alright, alright;

Writing stuff down can allow you to recognise and acknowledge your feelings much more clearly. Also, there are three poems that, whenever I perform them, will make me feel like the lost are still here with me.

In fact, every year on the anniversary of my brother in laws passing, I meet with my family, we chat, we support each other, and I perform two poems; the one I’m writing this survey about entitled ‘jump’, and another, more personal one that I rarely perform in public. Before I started organising this, we were stuck with ‘just getting through the day’ when it came around. It’s still the worst day of the year for us, but we have something to focus on that brings us together.

However, once again, we should be wary of absolutes. People can process grief in many different and utterly unexpected ways. This works for me and a few folk I know, but it could be catastrophic for others. Grief is one of those things where you have to acknowledge every possible emotion, no matter how illogical, as valid. If the bereaved responds by instinctively picking up a pen, whether to memorialise or seek catharsis, then writing is a valid response to grief. Therapy and/or seeking advice from medical professionals are also valid responses. It’s a simple case of ‘you do whatever makes you feel better’. If that includes enrolling in clown college and riding a unicycle everywhere; valid response.

10. What kind of warnings signs would you point out to someone new to poetry or performance who was performing about their traumas?

First of all, unless they specifically asked me, I don’t think I would. In this hypothetical I’m going to assume they are an adult presenting as neurotypical. They have a right to explore their own trauma/reclaim their narrative in whatever fashion suits them and I wouldn’t want to patronise them by giving the impression that I thought they needed help (see my question 9 chat about valid responses; we mustn’t tell people how to or how not to grieve). Humans are much hardier than they often give themselves credit for. The only context in which I would intercede would be someone clearly exhibiting signs of severe anxiety/depression, & I had even the slightest suspicion they might be a danger to themselves. However, these conditions make it very difficult for new voices to leave the house, let alone sign up for an open mic, so while I acknowledge there’s a risk, it isn’t a particularly likely scenario. I feel like that’s not the sort of answer you’re after, though.

I do think there is a bit of a danger (the extent of which I’m unsure of) that a new poet could see performances on YouTube and in slams that lead them to think they have to mine their own trauma to get material. The warning signs of this would be asking yourself ‘what can I write about’ and the answer being ‘ooh, that horrible thing that happened’.

When rehearsing the poem, it is perfectly normal to cry (or similar emotional release) even a few times. If you well up during a public performance, also fine AS LONG AS THE PERFORMER FEELS IT HELPS.

If, however, you have an uncontrollable emotional response EVERY TIME you perform it, I’d start to question whether you should.

If the idea of performing it causes anxiety above the usual pre-show nerves, and that anxiety reduces when you decide ‘oh I’ll perform something else instead’ then that’s a CLEAR indication.

It is hard to point to specific warning signs other than the above and feeling peer pressure to perform grief-motivated poetry, because everyone’s responses can be incredibly varied. All I’d really say is some advice I was given when I started writing;

“There are two types of writing; what you send out into the world and you do for yourself. The first type needs to flexible so you can improve it based on the responses you get. You have to learn that constructive criticism is valuable and not a personal attack. The second is imperfect and often messy, but it helps you learn about the craft and your own mind. Always remember the two are flexible. You can start writing something personal and realise it’s for everyone. You can send something out into the world and then entirely take it back upon realising that this was just for you.” 

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[themidnightrulesarebreakin]

I need to get some shit out of my head so I stop driving myself insane

Everything. Fucking. Hurts.

I knew this was coming. It had been coming for months, if not the last year. And my stupid self tried to cling on so hard at all the wrong times instead of actually trying to fix  things. Though. Things were probably unfixable. I’m still coming to terms with that. I don’t know.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that practically none of our relationship was healthy. I was hurt and manipulated and guilted into doing things I never would have done otherwise. That eats at a relationship and tears it apart. It tore me apart. There were days. God. Where I couldn’t recognize myself. He was my best friend in so many ways, and my absolute worst fucking nightmare in others.

This last month, especially, has been so bad. 

I’ve spent the last. Week. Crying. He told me he wanted to break up Sunday. And I Clung so tightly to the hope we could still fix things, because even though I felt broken and abused and hurt, I couldn’t imagine my future without him.

So I wrote him a letter, because I can’t talk. I poured my fucking heart into that letter. How much I loved him. How I wanted to try, one more time. Really try, to fix things. To build a healthier relationship. And he. He put that letter aside. And he thanked me for writing it. And he told me he didn’t love me anymore.

I’ve cried so much I don’t have it in myself to cry anymore. I would’ve taken anything--we’re not good for each other, we can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep hurting you, I still love you but this isn’t healthy--fucking anything. But no. He hasn’t loved me for a while. And I just. God. If I thought I was broken before, I’m fucking dust now. I want to wrap myself in my ace pride flag and sob and keep repeating I’m not broken until I sort of believe it. Because man, do I feel shattered.

I told myself I could handle us breaking up. It would be for the best. God knows I needed out for more reasons than one. But I thought. I thought it would be with a mutual understanding that we still loved each other, but we’d grown apart and weren’t right for each other.

This just fucking hurts.

And. I don’t know anymore. I’m trying. I think I ate more today. I haven’t cried today. But I’m so cried out I think I just feel numb. Things swell up out of nowhere and hit me and I break down. I’m sure that’s not ending any time soon. 

My friends have been wonderful through all this. And my mom, even though I don’t know if I can ever tell her what really happened. I want to talk about this. I want to work through it. But I think I’m going to need to go back to therapy for that. I’ve got three years of shit to work through on top of all my other issues. 

And now. I guess I’m gonna watch Masterchef and go to bed and hope I can make it through tomorrow.