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karasunology · 5 years ago

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⸙ ˚₊ ➷ KUROO TETSUROU & KOZUME KENMA BEING A DAD HEADCANONS ! ❞

✎ . . . all those dad headcanons are making me so SOFT 🥺✨🥺 do you think you could make some for kuroo, akaashi and atsumu as dads if u haven’t done them already??

❝ ― submitted by @ nonnie <3 ❞

✎ . . . i'm happy that your requests are open ! and for dad headcanons?? i am right here to serve my braincells for you ma'am. what about dad! sugawara & kenma? thank you in advance 🤓😘

❝ ― submitted by @ nonnie <3 ❞

-ˏˋ ➶ character(s) ━ kuroo tetsurou & kozume kenma <3

[ trigger warnings ━ slight manga spoilers !! ]

✎ . . . DAD HEADCANONS.

[ SUGAWARA KOUSHI & OIKAWA VERSION. ] [ BOKUTO KOUTARO VERSION. ] [ MIYA ATSUMU VERSION. ] [ IWAIZUMI HAJIME. ]

-ˏˋ playing soleil's tape ˊˎ-

[ 📼 ] . . . someone send me cute dad suggestions because i am running🏃out of ideas💡 i'm also finaly done with dad! akaashi hcs in my notes, so feel free to request ( even non-dad related ones ) because i lowkey have no life👉👈🗿

KOZUME KENMA.

➜ it would come as a shock to him honestly ─ you guys used protection and he was atleast careful despite having lazy smex half of the time

➜ but what shocks YOU the most was that he didn't want to get rid of the baby ─ he just couldn't, it was a child he co-reated with the love of his life, how could he ?

➜ you were quick to come with an agreement with him, his soft smile tugging on his lips to form, the smile 80% of the time would come out only for you ( shoyou & kuroo )

➜ he was also lowkey excited, he texted shoyou and kuroo about it as they both congratulated him and were already trying to do dibs on who'll be god father

➜ and you've noticed that he was bit more affectionate with you when you were in your pregnancy, his head on your lap as you play with his hair ─ which he usually doesn't like people doing?? and would every now and then kiss your tummy while playing his games

➜ i want to h*ld his hand

➜ and k*th him

➜ he's like a mother cat on pregnancy, but with you ─ never lets you do work, saying that he already has it under all on control, very protective of you and literally hisses at other people coming near you LMAO WTF MAN

➜ tries to be as knowledgable for your pregnancy as much as possible ─ just like the other dads in my hcs, they want YOU to feel comfortable with EVERYTHING and want YOU to feel supported

➜ has already bought EVERYTHING you needed, even extra ones and has booked appointments left and right

➜ like mans hasn't done this much effort after volleyball ngl

➜ but just like everyone else ─ he's terrified, he doesn't know alot of these things and of course you're the only woman he has ever gotten pregnant and he doesn't have any experiences in these type of thing whatsoever

➜ doubts were not uncommon ─ if he ever was going to be a good father to his child, if he was even a good fiancé to you, was he even worth to have a child with ?

➜ this bb boy CRIED when he heard you guys were having twins, TWINS; like as in a girl and a boy

➜ when kaori and kazu were born, kenma wasn't aware that he could fall in love all over again

➜ is this even worth mentioning because everyone probably knows this?? he s p o i l s them big time

➜ whenever he's working late at night, he'll always be the one telling YOU to go back to sleep and he'll be the one to take care of the kid for the night

➜ and by kid, i meant kazu because somehow??he??got??his??father's??sleeping??schedule??

➜ and it's how he sleeps by

➜ sometimes whenever you wake up, you find yourself alone in the bedroom and whenever you look at either the game room or your childrens' room, you would always find kenma lying with his children on couch-bed ─ kozu and kaori on each side of his head, kaori having her small little fingers holding and sometimes tugging onto her dad's hair

➜ and sometimes you would also join them

➜ but most of the time, you would head to the kitchen and make some breakfast

➜ and usually kenma would wake up and put his kids back to their crib and he'd go look for you, finding you cooking as he would wrap his arms around your waist as he hugs you from the back

➜ i just wanna get myself a gamer boi kenma

➜ since he gets a lot more clingey whenever he wakes up

➜ whenever he's streaming USUALLY, kozu would sleep on his lap like a cat while kaori is sleeping in his head?? Idk how??

➜ while his fans literally PAY him to show his adorable kids, some even commented how they're all so cat-like and alike with their father

➜ one time while streaming, he was probably ranting tf out of a game he wasted his money on and warning his fans not to buy it because it's basically a scam

➜ and while he was in the middle of ranting, his daughter comes in while holding a blanket on her as she rubbed her eyes looking so much like a small kitten, he literally STOPS DEAD ON HIS SWEAR WORD AS HIS EYES WIDDENED while the people in the chats are either fangirling how CUTE his daughter was or DYING because mans was almst about to swear and interrupted himself

➜ before he could react a bundle of energy comes into the gaming room, you hot tailing on his tracks as you came into the room while trying to retrieve kozu

“ kozu!! don't come in there ahH ─ ” you blushed as you looked at both your boyfriend that has an amused eyebrow cocked up, and onto the camera before laughing and smiling at it since his fans ADORE YOU

➜ when you finally got your hands on your son, you smiled at your daughter as you signaled her to come over to you

➜ but before she could come to you she was already lifted at her father's lap

“ it's fine, i'll have her with me ” he said as he nodded at you, placing her gently in the middle of his lap as his arms encaged her while he played his games

➜ before leaving with a pouting kozu on your arms you threw a peace sign at the camera for his fans, closing the door on the way out

➜ let's just say that it lowkey went viral because it's literally so cute

➜ sorry i just HAD to reference that interview that got viral before

➜ one time where you fell asleep with both of your children curled up to you in the bed, kenma just finished a long stream as he walked to the bedroom hoping to fall asleep ontop of you yet finds two cute cat looking children cuddling you

➜ he quickly took a photo or two and made it both his home and lockscreen before sending it to shoyou

➜ and then sliding himself onto the covers as he, himself, nuzzled himself onto your warmth

➜ the relatable dad, idk why but i really see him getting along with children especially when they're teenagers ─ i just, i COULD SEE IT

➜ especially kaori😭 since she inherited his introverted and somehow shy side??

➜ kaori : *slids down the chair after coming home from school* i wanna die

➜ kenma : same

➜ he would introduce video games to his children AHH

➜ would even play violent games with them because why not?

➜ you'd prolly have to scold him after though

➜ the biggest achievement was when both of his children listing game consoles on their christmas lists

➜ and it was on the top of the list

➜ but kenma, being the kanbe(kambe??) daisuke he is, he bought all the things on that list

➜ he knows his kids are supposed to be studying at school ─ he knows it, he really does, that's why he made them go to school

➜ but he couldn't help but play along with his children on the imessage games when he DEFINITELY knows that they were in the middle of history class

➜ and you'll just find out it through the family gc seeing them spam the chat with games and screenshots of their scores while comparing them😭

➜ he always knew how to communicate with his children ─ perhaps it was because of the reason that they are his children

➜ but whenever his daughter comes to him complaining about human interactions and wanting to stay home while his son complains about school being in the way of gaming ─ he's just like : WE SEE EACH OTHER

➜ baby boy is a lazy bum, but he will never hesitate to participate and contribute to his children's life ─ not only through things, but also with just his guidance and presence

➜ your pregnancy may have come across as an accident, but it was never a mistake to kenma.

KUROO TETSUROU.

➜ after getting married for two years now, you couldn't help but want to start building a family with kuroo

➜ LIKE WHO WOULDN'T?? this is kuroo tetsurou we are talking about

➜ unlike oikawa and bokuto ─ YOU were the one having the baby fever

➜ your friends and colleagues already having or talking with their partners to start or adopt

➜ but of course you were lowkey insecure, why wasn't he even mentioning that he wanted a family with you? does he think that it was a waste of time? or maybe he doesn't want to start it with you ─ maybe you were the problem?

➜ but unbeknownst to you, tetsurou also wanted to start a family with you ─ he wanted a lot of children, actually. but he doesn't want you to feel pressured ─ since you guys are still youthful, there's still a lot of time to think about it

➜ and most of all, he doesn't want to start a family with anyone else BUT YOU

➜ whatthefucksanaol sir eye ─

➜ and he's already talking to bokuto behind your back about wanting to start a family with you ( and of course kenma )

➜ but BOKUTO IS JUST SCARILY GOOD AT ADVICES

➜ it's quite eerie honestly

➜ you, thinking it was only just a slight baby fever with all your friends wanting them as well, tried dismissing your thoughts

➜ but your mind said nO❌🚫 RIGHTS✅💢

➜ and kuroo could notice the slight change in behaviour with you, it was subtle but he was quite perceptive

➜ with his cat eyes intently watching you as you tried avoiding his gazes because all you could think is HAVING A BABY WITH THE SAME EYES AS HIM FIIFJJCJC

➜ HELP ME

➜ it was fine until he confronted you about it

➜ kuroo ─ for me, is someone to face a problem head-on, it's just his personality, so it wasn't a surprise that he seriously yet carefully and nonchalantly confronted you while you guys were about to sleep as you layed your head on his lap, taking in his warmth

➜ and that's where mans dropped the b*mb💣

“dollface? is everything alright with you?”

➜ just imagine kuroo's concerned voice is all that you could hear along with the palpitations of your heart as he caressed your cheeks, brushing off the hair covering your face as he puts down science pun book he had on his hands on the nightstand

➜ now i can't help but imagine that scene from the special/bonus chapter from bj alex with chanwoo and MD on the bed, that scene where he tries to confront chanwoo about that bruise on his face? ughshshsj

➜ all he heard was that you wanted to start a family with him👉👈 and now he's seconds to going FERAL and push you down the matress

➜ 😳🔞

➜ SIR CALM DOWN PLEATHES

➜ I CAN'T TAKE IT

➜ but mans was quick to get himself back to reality, a bashful smile tugged on his lips as he nodded at you, kinda disappointed that you had to be the braver person in the relationship to bring out the topic and it wasn't him

➜ mans is competitive okay

“ . . . why don't we start now? ” he slyly grinned, y'know, that cheshire cat grin

➜ let's just see you guys didn't sleep at all that night

➜ kuroo was, though not surprisingly, good and knowledgable with pregnancy, not like he secretly researched about it that one time when you guys got a pregnancy scare that started all his wild thoughts about you carrying his child um ─

➜ and this is kuroo we are talking about lmao

➜ i think he has his insecurities but was never doubtful of himself being a father, LIKE MANS HAS TAKEN CARE OF A WHOLE ASS VOLLEYBALL TEAM ─ but he knows there is a difference between being a father to his child and being a good one

➜ i wanna m*rry him too😡

➜ you gifted him a daughter, his first born. the first time he saw her, GOD WAS THIS THE BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN HIS LIFE

➜ like who knew you guys could create someone so beautifully mashed of both him and you ─ but you disagree, as even by the youngest age of four months or three, you could see the literal resemblance of your husband on her

➜ and it was uncanny, her eyes were the ones you dreamed of your children having ─ molten golden ones of tetsurou's, her cat-like grin and sly personality

➜ she was always quick to lean on her father's warmth, and that made kuroo CRY and you kinda jealous

➜ but nevertheless, you knew that there were plenty of times to make one that loves you just as much taiga loves tetsurou

➜ and you did get it, second born after only half a year, was tamaki, which has taken both your personality and tetsurou's, while having your appearance.

➜ but you were quick to notice to comment that tamaki has gotten kuroo's shy personality while he was young, he would always shy away from his sister that kept clinging onto him since she has never had a playmate other than her uncles from nekoma's old volleyball club

➜ kuroo was to say the least, really happy when he sees your two children getting along with each other since he, himself, has grown up alone with no sibling and without a mother

➜ and as he looked at you playing tamaki and taiga as tamaki got you all wrapped around his finger while taiga was looking for her father, he couldn't help but smile

➜ believe it or not, taiga first said your name ─ not tetsurou's

➜ in your face kuroo

“ come on, say dada !! ” your husband patted his thighs to make a sound as he sat on the bed while your daughter just ─ once again, leaned on his touch, nuzzling her face onto his warm thighs while giggling

➜ he dropped his phone to the bed whining, “ mama! look at her ─ ”

“ ─ mama!! ” your daughter imitated his words, both leaving you guys stunned and wide-eyed as you laugh in shock while tamaki was jealous you gave his sister more attention and now tugging softly at your hair,

“ . . . mama? ”

➜ KUROO WAS SO DONE, HIS COMPETITIVE LOWKEY PETTY ASS WAS DONE

➜ also belive it or not, tamaki was the one who got his father's sleeping habits of having two pillows on both sides of his head

➜ HE'S THE TYPE OF DAD THAT USES A VACCUM CLEANER TO STYLE YOUR DAUGHTERS HAIR LIKE THE ONES ON THOSE VIDEOS ON YT SNSJJSNZZ

➜ and it actually??comes??off??nice??and neat??

➜ at the age of 7, your daughter was already picked to represent her class on a science fair AND YOU BET TETSUROU IS SO PROUD OF HIS DAUGHTER

➜ would be such a supportive dad

➜ visits tamaki and taiga's volleyball games ─ like atleast all over them, and would bring along his old teammates to it maybe just to relive old memories because you BET that they're attending nekoma

➜ would always have these little traditions and inside jokes with them and you

➜ especially science ones

➜ what do we expect? HE'S LITERALLY A DORK

➜ AND SO ARE HIS KIDS

➜ they just vibe with each other ngl, like kuroo is just a down-to-earth guy and could get along with BOTH your extroverted daughter and introverted son, since he was both of them in a moment from his life

➜ uncle kenma would always bring in gifts for them because they're literally now his cats because they are now cats

➜ sorry i don't make the rules

➜ my husband, kenma, does😋

➜ your kids LOVE HIM though, especially tamaki being a bit like kenma ─ both, growing a soft spots for each other

➜ whenever some of his old teammates would visit, taiga is always on uncle lev's back while yaku scolds him to put her tf down or else she'll fall

➜ tamaki on the other hand, is just safely sitting beside his uncle kenma while he watched him play games ─ which he has also grown to love

➜ doesn't let your kids forget to eat and makes them eat even if taiga's in the phase of wanting to be sexy gorl tingz ─ DADDY KUROO SAYS NO RIGHTS🚫

➜ overall, kuroo couldn't ask for more, he was so proud of his children no matter what they do through and through and of course you too ─ for carrying his children, bringing them into the world and being patient with them

#kuroo tetsurou x reader #kozume kenma x reader #haikyuu!! headcanons #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu smau #haikyuu social media au #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu drabbles #kuroo tetsurou scenarios #kozume kenma scenarios #kozume kenma smau #kuroo tetsurou smau #kenma x reader #kuroo x reader #hq headcanons

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crossovereddie · 3 years ago

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Actually, here is an alternative thing for you to occupy your time with, and a question I have been meaning to ask you for a while. I have finished 911 finally! So I'm ready for the new season. And I wonder, realistically, what do you think the roadmap would be for a buddie endgame?

I absolutely see how their story has been framed and filmed in a lot of parallels to how a romantic storyline would be set out. But there has been no outright mention of either of them being bi - although the conversation about Maddy setting Buck up with whassisface was very casual and could very easily have been an example of canonically bi Buck - and they are both at the end of season 4 in 'relationships' with women.

So, in your estimation, what's the timeline? What's the transition? How do they go about this and how long does it take? I wanna know your thoughts 👀

okay yes i have lots of thoughts on this and it's actually one of my fave questions i get asked. I've always watched a lot of tv shows so I'm just estimating on what I've seen before and what I would personally do. IMO this love story is a slow burn. We only have four seasons so far and only three of those seasons have Eddie in them. This unsurprisingly got long so ill put it under the cut.

So I'll go by seasons bc to me its important to look at everything that has happened so far by seasons and by love interests and not as a whole. Its the best way i can form a timeline that I think would make the most sense and why

S1: So we don't get any hints at Buck being anything other than straight and I think this is because he was supposed to be. They hadn't planned for Eddie yet and they definitely hadn't planned for the chemistry Oliver and Ryan were gonna have. S1 Buck was this reckless kid who didn't take anything serious. He was definitely super immature. Then he meets Abby and he starts to get serious about his job and his love life. I'm not gonna say "Abby changed him" because she didnt. He saw the person he was and the person he was becoming and decided on that change himself.

S2: Eddie!!!! So we get introduced to this army medic turned firefighter in the least heterosexual way. Then Buck is angry because Eddie is hot and really good at his job. they work together and Eddie compliments Buck and now they're smiley bffs. Seriously wtf was all that? Anyway this is all sus bc from what ive seen before in other shows when a main love interest leaves and a new main character replaces them, that means something. JLH replaced Connie Britton as far as big name actress but i really believe Eddie replaced Abby as far as importance in Buck's life. Do i think they brought him in with the intentions of turning him into a LI? No but they sure fueled the narrative from the get go. I think they saw fans reactions and started testing the waters.

Moving on to LIs in this season. We find out Eddie has a kid and the mother is not in the picture (eddie made sure buck knew that right away). Then later on we find out he's technically still married. shannon comes back and we get Eddie finally getting to confront this head on. He tries to get his family back together for the sake of his son. Its big for Eddie's character bc all he does and all he's ever done is for his son. Then Shannon asks for a divorce then she dies bringing this arc to an abrupt end and leaving eddie heartbroken.

meanwhile Buck is still waiting for Abby. Then he finally accepts that shes not coming back and decides to move on. He goes right back to being "Buck 1.0" with Taylor and feels bad about himself because that really isnt him anymore. He wants a real relationship. So then Ali calls and asks him on an actual date and he agrees. This is his first try at a relationship after a heartbreak. in tv these don't usually work out but are used to develop the main character's growth. We don't really see much of her but she breaks up with him so.

S3: This is Eddie finally dealing with his feelings/guilt season. This is also the season I think we really see how important Buck is to the Diaz boys. S2 had cute buckley-diaz family moments but those could still be interpreted as a best friend and his best friend's kid. This season though... after the tsunamic episode was when i really started to fully believe buddie was going canon. This season is solidifying their bond not only as Buck and Eddie but as Buck Eddie and Christpher. As I'm writing this I realized neither of them really has a love interest in this season do they? Ana is introduced but then is clearly presented as definitely NOT the right choice for eddie and especially for Chris. Then they counter that with Buck helping Eddie build a skateboard for Chris that he can use as opposed to Ana's ablest remarks about how he can't do it so just move on to something else. Then we get Buck's reaction in Eddie Begins. Buck has seen his team his friends his family get hurt on the job before but he has never reacted the way he did when it was Eddie in danger. Again solidifying just how much these two mean to each other. Don't even get me started on this season being when Eddie changes his will offscreen. Anyway we get Abby back and Buck finally gets the closure from that relationship that he needs to move forward into a serious relationship.

Now S4: jfc s4....IMO this is the only logical season to get the ball rolling on Buddie and they sure did that with 4x14 despite everything else. So i never thought they would be the first serious relationship for each other after the heart break theyve both experienced. It wouldn't be fair to their character developments. Buck tries dating Veronica and that clearly doesnt work but we know hes now open to dating again. We get Buck Begins where we see why Buck is the dare devil he is. The only way he got his parents attention as a kid was to put himself in danger. They bring back taylor and how to they ultimately get together after she friendzones him? She thinks hes in danger and suddenly wants him. As much as i hate it this is really gonna be a relationship where Buck finally stands up for himself and sees his own worth and realizes he deserves more. He deserves someone who sees him and loves him for who he is. He deserves to be chosen, something Abby Ali his parents dont do and what i think taylor wont end up doing. I feel like shes gonna choose her career over him. Maybe not in a "I'm breaking up with you" way but maybe she takes a new job and want to do LD (hes tried that twice and it didnt work for him. hes not gonna want that) or she could ask him to go with her but he wont. His family is in LA. His job is in LA. Eddie and Chris are in LA and he won't leave them. Then we have Eddie finally deciding to move on and try dating again so they bring back ana. To me it's not gonna work out so I'm not bothered at all lmao. It's interesting that they'd choose her though. Someone we already know Eddie doesn't trust with his son. There's also more buckley-diaz family scenes of them being coparents. The hildy episode, Chris running to Buck when hes mad at eddie, Buck being the one to tell Chris Eddie got hurt, then Buck staying with Chris and taking on the guardian role without him even knowing just how much that role really does belong to him. He didn't do it out of obligation. He didn't do it because he was asked to. He did it because he thought it would be best for Chris. Finally to 4x14. This is by far the biggest "Oh shit this is it. This is the beginning of buddie". We find out Eddie changed his will a year ago and has just been sitting on this info. I think Eddie knew back then what it meant but he wasn't in the right mindset to accept what it means so he kept it to himself. I think he finally started allowing himself to go there during treasure hunt. The man was jealous yall. Carla coming back and her comment about doing whats best for him and not chris is his oh shit moment. I think he wouldve broken up with Ana a few days after that if he had the time lol. He gets caught up in the mother/son sl then this poor mf gets shot by a sniper. The way that whole scene was filmed btw was not in a bff way. That was a lover watching his beloved almost die in front of him. Buck again puts himself down and Eddie decides this is the moment. He needs Buck to see how important he is. He wants buck to know how loved he is. So he sits there talking himself up to it and finally lets Buck know just how big of a part he is in Eddie's family. Buck's previous scene is him saying he wants someone who wants him back then here is Eddie saying he needs him...Chris needs him. wtf.

So with S5: I think Eddie knows and Buck has a feeling but he's not sure so what i would do is spend s5 with Eddie basically showing Buck his feelings but not exactly getting in the way of Buck's new relationship because Buck has to be the one to make that choice. Id also have chris feeling the different shift with buck having a gf like he did with Eddie. This newfound info wasnt just dropped on us for a "Aww so sweet" moment. This will business is gonna be a part of a bigger storyline. I'm hoping its with Eddie's family during maybe 5b.

So what I think would be the best timeline for canon buddie is 5a eddie already having either broken up with ana or is gonna break up with her, Buck choosing himself and ending things with Taylor by midseason finale, them bringing in Eddie's family in 5b and maybe then being when Eddie confesses his feelings for Buck. Then 6a we could get them walking on egg shells around each other not really knowing what to do bc this is all so new for both of them. This could bring just the right amount of comedy and angst especially them awkward and flustered around each other at work. A big blowup can happen between them for added angst (maybe an arguement before one of them or both of them is put in danger) then a midseason finale kiss. Then trying to find the balance between their personal relationship and their work relationship during 6b.

I don't know how long Fox shows last but procedurals can last a long time. I'm not sure thats gonna be the case for 911 especially with all the main cast staying that long so i think this would give us at least a whole season (S7) of canon buddie.

As far as then being presented as straight, there's been more seeds planted about buck being bi. A few i can remember off the top of my head: all of 2x1 lmao, maddie's comment about bucks boy crush on eddie, buck hinting at thinking eddie is cute when he thinks maddie is talking about him, the christmas elf, the comments on the instagram livestream, idk if youve watched it or not but TK's comment to Buck in the crossover episode, and like you mentioned Maddie's casual comment about setting him up with Josh. All we really know about Eddie's love life is he married Shannon when they were young and is trying with Ana so it could turn into a whole storyline for him.

I'm so sorry this is so long and took forever but i I hope i actually answered your question and didnt just get lost in rambles lmao.

#oh god that took me way too long lol #eddie diaz #evan buckley #buddie #911onfox #is this meta?#wtf even is that #buddie meta #??#idk

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nerdygaymormon · 4 years ago

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A big step...then one goes backwards & the other forward

This past Christmas, I was at my brother’s home to celebrate. I was in the kitchen with my sister-in-law and she had started reading Richard Ostler’s book Listen, Learn and Love: Embracing LGBTQ Latter-day Saints. I was telling her about a message I’d received this Christmas morning from Richard Ostler, saying that when he was a YSA bishop and decided he should learn from LGBT LDS people about our viewpoint and our experience, that I was one of the first people he came across (the blog post that went viral), and I was one of the first Twitter accounts he followed. That I’ve influenced his thinking and his heart. It was a very nice message.

My sister-in-law was still in chapter 1, and said she learned that what is required of her is to love, she doesn’t have to approve of a person’s choices. Love is what she’s asked to do. She can go to a gay wedding to show support for the people she loves without having to think of it as showing support for gay marriage, how that’s similar to attending the christening of a friend’s baby even though that’s against our religion. We were having a good conversation about the things she’d read.

My mom heard us speaking and came over to say she had just come to the same conclusion after reading Becky Mackintosh’s book Love Loudly: Embracing Your LGBTQ Loved Ones And Your Faith. Frankly, I was shocked. Usually this is a subject she avoids because she thinks I'm ripping apart her eternal family and she wishes I'd go back in the closet and no one else ever know.

My mother & my sister-in-law started talking with each other about how they never realized this, they just have to love the gay people in their lives.

That night, my mom sent me a text: “I love you and I am very glad you were sent to our family.” That’s the first time she’s said that since I came out.

On December 26th she had a long drive planned to drop off some items. She asked me to come along and we listened to the audiobook of Charlie Bird’s book Without the Mask.

This felt like a significant advancement in my relationship with my mother.

I read the book by Becky Mackintosh that had affected her so much. I finished it on Dec 29th and that night I wrote my mom an email saying I feel like it’s time to her in on my life as a gay person. I’ve tried to make being a Mormon mom of a gay son as easy as possible, and usually that has meant keeping things from her. I then listed some important highlights from my life.

Some of the highlights were important moments in figuring out who I am or of something said at school or church that wounded me deeply. Some of the highlights were providing additional parts to stories that she already knew about. And some important things in my life as relates to my faith and going to therapy. I finished the email with these words, “Two of the things people want is to be loved and to be included. I hope my family will always be a place where I’m loved and included. I’m sure I’ve given you a lot to think about. I hope it’s not too overwhelming to read all this at once.”

I waited, wondering how she would respond. After a few days, I thought perhaps she doesn’t check that email address often or perhaps because it was the holidays she wasn’t checking her messages, so I mentioned I sent her an email. She indicated she’d received it. That’s it. That’s the only reaction I got. I hoped maybe she wanted a little time to reflect and choose what to say, but I received nothing. I felt like we moved back to where things had been before, which is my family ignores and doesn’t talk about things which are hard. To be honest, after having those 2 days where my mom seemed to be open to learning & listening about this part of who I am, I felt very sad that we’d gone back to this being an unmentionable thing.

————————————————————

Why am I bringing up these moments from the end of December? This past weekend I was at my sister-in-law’s home and she shared with me that she’d finished reading Richard Ostler’s book. She also listened to a podcast episode I did with Richard. She said it was interesting to hear me speak my thoughts and share my experiences, things my family has never heard or only heard about in a truncated form.

She spoke to me of how her understanding has changed. She previously accepted the Plan of Salvation is this great path for everyone, but learning the experiences of LGBTQ members, she gets that it’s incomplete and it’s no wonder that most LGBTQ members leave this church. She has only gotten a glimpse of the negative messages and the wounds the church heaps on queer members, and she can see that she was blind to this. She recognizes she has more to learn.

She expressed her love for me and asked some questions and I shared some of my experiences with her.

This is such a contrast from how my mother responded that it brought back those memories & feelings and I thought I should share as this is the place I write about my experience as a gay Mormon. Being unable to be authentic with my mother is part of this experience, as is a sister-in-law who loves me and wants to understand and is willing to learn difficult truths about the church she loves.

#David gets personal #long post

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queenof-literature · 4 years ago

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A Sick Wild Child - Chapter 9

Here it is! Thank you all so much for being so supportive during and after my break from writing. As many of you know, I’m struggling a lot with everything going on and it means the world to me that y’all are so sweet and supportive. I hope you enjoy the latest chapter!

Chapter 9 - The Eye in the Storm

Time didn’t just dread injuries because he grew worried. Of course he worried when one of the boys was injured, it was always terrible to see one of his companions in pain. But he also dreaded it because there was one emotion he truly feared for both himself and the others… boredom.

Staying in one place for an extended period of time got all the Links restless in different ways. The only bright side of this situation was he didn’t have to worry about Wild fist fighting a bear for fun. He did however, have to worry about the others. He had to worry about Four and Legend disappearing and returning covered in flora and fauna they wanted to observe. He had to worry about Hyrule and Warriors getting a hold of fire weapons. He had to worry about Sky and Twilight going cliff diving if they were around an ocean. The same went for Wind if he got his hands on a raft, they might not see him for hours. He also had to worry about himself, the part of him that never disappeared after years of Termina and stasis and countless travels through time, itching to run away and become a child of the forest again, even if just for a day. Time worked hard to push those thoughts down.

Sky had managed to throw together something that night after their small fight over what they should have. They had managed without Wild’s skills and slate before, they could do it again. However, it was obvious the antsy group missed their cook. Said boy was still curled in Warriors’ bed roll, cold clothes placed upon both his forehead and neck after his last bout of delirium. Delirium that Time truly wished he could forget.

Based on what the terrified boy had murmured, Twilight and Time, two of the eight people he should be able to trust most, practically tortured him. Time going as far to burn him with a torch. And Din above was that a knife to the heart. Time knows, he knows that fever dreams didn’t make sense, but weren’t all dreams from the subconscious? Did Wild think that would happen? Was he scared deep down that his allies would become his enemies? Time wanted to say no, but he was never one to lie to himself. After all Wild had gone through, parts of him would never be unscathed. The same went for every Link, after all they had been through. Time was more worried about what the boy’s Hyrule had done to him. Forced into battle before he was even a teenager, betrayed and murdered by the Guardians he was supposed to trust, constantly on the lookout for traitors sworn to Ganon, it was no wonder the boy was paranoid. And these fears were constantly in his nightmares. The fever dreams must have been Hell.

Twilight wasn’t taking it well either. He seemed to have calmed down a bit after his conversation with Warriors, but Time could tell this was all getting to him. The lengths Twilight would go to help his friends was admirable, if not terrifying sometimes. But no amount of healing, potions, and worrying would fix this, and that was starting to sink in for everyone. No matter how much Twilight did, all he could was try and make it better. Twilight didn’t cope well with not being able to help, none of them did, especially with Wild.

Speaking of, Wild had been dead silent since he had passed out in Legend’s arms. Besides the small rasps coming from his mouth and the weak stutters of his chest, the boy was completely still. After some debate they decided to put Twilight’s pelt over him again. It had always been comforting to him, and who knows if he would even remember his panic over what Dream Twilight did to him. Hylia, Time hoped not. Time hoped Wild’s silence meant he was having a good enough dream, or maybe not dreaming at all.

The chatter around the campfire was scarce that night, no one having the energy to talk outside the small conversations they had with those near them. Legend seemed perfectly fine with shoving a groggy Hyrule back to bed as soon as he finished dinner. Hyrule certainly didn’t put up much of a fight, clearly tired from healing Wild throughout the day. It wasn’t the worst they had seen him after healing, but there was no reason for him to not sleep it off. As much as Time didn’t want to admit it, they may need Hyrule’s abilities later. Nothing else seemed to be helping. Time didn’t want to make Hyrule feel like they were exploiting him, but Wild needed water and the only time he was able to keep it down was when Hyrule healed him. Time wasn’t willing to believe that was a coincidence, they needed to get Wild to hold down any water they could. But Time truly wanted anything else than to wake up their exhausted sorcerer. It was quite a conundrum.

“I could hear you thinking from across camp.” Sky stated softly, settling beside Time.

“I don’t want to wake Hyrule, but Wild needs water.” Time said bluntly, not having the desire to beat around the bush.

“Hmm. Well.” Sky pondered for a moment. “Wild can go the night right? When I was little, I was really stubborn when I was sick. Sun tried to get me to eat, drink, or do anything really and I just wouldn’t.” Sky put his hand on Time’s shoulder. “ I know it’s not the same thing, but let’s give Wild the night, and as long as his condition doesn’t change, we’ll let Hyrule rest for a while. Now that we’re staying here for the time being, we can let Hyrule rest and help Wild a bit until he can keep things down. I know it’s not the best solution, but we all know you’re not trying to force Hyrule into exhausting himself.” Sky radiated comfort, and Time felt bad for subtly soaking it up. It wasn’t fair, he shouldn’t force decisions on the other Links. But Hylia, he was just so tired.

“Sounds like a good plan.” Time’s lips turned up slightly, and Sky knew that was a thank you. A thank you for taking some weight off of Time’s shoulders, even if it was a laughably small amount. But it was the least Sky could do.

Wild was pretty sure he was stone. There was no other reason for his limbs to be so heavy. The only thing he could really feel was pain. He couldn’t be sure where it was the worst, he was floating. He just knew he was cold. So, so cold. Wild didn’t like being cold, not when after he learned there were ways to be truly warm. Another feeling reached him, weight on top of him that he appreciated, and the fluttering of eyelashes he struggled to recognize as his own.

“...think- waking up.” Voices drifted in and out of his mind.

“-nother… -mare?” These voices sounded weird.

“-ild?” These were outside of his body.

Opening his eyes took more strength than anything he had ever done, but he needed to see where the voices were coming from. Slowly his eyes pried open.

Everything was blurry, but he could see shadows moving around him. If they were enemies, he couldn’t bring himself to care. It wasn’t like he could move anyway.

“Wild?” A voice filtered into his head, more clear than before. Colors swirled as he pried open his eyes, and Wild struggled to push down the nausea that rose, determined to find out where the voices were coming from.

“Wild? Can you hear us?” The fog cleared slightly, the first thing he saw being a colorful tunic. He knew that voice… right?

The swirling subsided a little more, now resting on the edges of his vision. The shadows that previously surrounded him were replaced by figures he recognized. He tried so hard to remember their names, and why he suddenly felt like crying. He didn’t know anything in that moment other than the figures surrounding him being warm, and Wild was still so cold.

“C-c-ld” Wild croaked out pathetically, frustration creeping up to replace confusion. Something cold and wet was surrounding him, soaking his skin. He tried to move his head in a weak attempt to get rid of the cold, but all he got was vertigo.

“Sor-... -an’t. Fever i-” Ringing filled Wild’s ears.

“I think he’s waking up.” Four rushed out, bringing the idle chatter around the fire to an abrupt halt. Lo and behold, the boy’s eyes fluttered, eyes flickering beneath.

“Do you think it’s another nightmare?” Wind called out hesitantly.

“I can’t tell. Wild?” Four called softly, placing his hands on his shoulder. Blurry eyes opened, revealing a sickly haze. But they weren’t frantic, just exhausted.

“I don’t think he is. He isn’t panicked. Wild?” Four asked again as the others gathered closer around him. Legend, Sky and Warriors gathered behind Four, while Time and Twilight stayed back, clearly uncomfortable with potentially sending him into another panic. Wind stayed back with them and held onto Twilight’s hand, squeezing when he noticed how much not being able to help hurt Twilight. The older squeezed back in thanks.

��Wild?” Sky asked. “Can you hear us?” The sick boy’s half lucid eyes flickered in their direction, and they could have thrown a goddess damned party over such a simple action. Legend almost went over and woke Hyrule to celebrate. Wild hadn’t been this coherent since he got smacked into that tree, not without being in a hallucination. His eyes were fogged and consciousness was barely there, but it was still the most awake he had been since this whole thing started.

“C-c-ld.” Wild croaked out, shaking his head slowly. Four reached out and gently stopped the movement, worried for the headache Wild was probably sporting.

“I’m so sorry, Wild but we can’t. Your fever is too high, we’ve done everything we can.” Sky tried to reassure, but he doubted Wild understood any of it. He looked to Four to confirm Wild’s fever still hadn’t broken. Four solemnly shook his head. Wild’s eyes continued to look around, seeming to search for something, but the others didn’t know for what.

“W-lf.” Wild choked out, his weak right hand reached out, only making it an inch before tumbling back down against his chest, clutching weakly at the furs laid on top of him.

“Wolf? Are you trying to say wolf?” Legend asked, glancing back at Twilight.

“W-” Wild was cut off by a rough cough. Four was ready to roll him over for choking that never came. Time could see the relief the other Links had that Wild seemed to be better, if not slightly. He wanted to remind them that this was just an eye in the storm, that sometimes with illnesses it got better before it got worse… but he didn’t have the strength to crush their hope. Deep down they all knew this wasn’t the beginning of the downhill, it was just a lull. But they deserved to have a little joy after all they had seen Wild go through.

“He’s the most coherent he’s been in awhile. We should give him water.” Warriors pulled a water pouch from seemingly nowhere.

“W-w-lf.” Wild insisted.

“Get over there! You heard him!” Wind whisper-shouted, shoving Twilight forward with a small snicker. Twilight hesitantly made his way over to Wild, eyes burned into him, watching to see what Wild’s reaction would be. He knew the other Links didn’t mean to freak him out, but they certainly weren’t helping.

Twilight gently kneeled on one knee next to Wild on the other side of Four, ready to back track if Wild showed any sign of discomfort at Twilight being there.

“Hey Cub.” Wild’s eyes stopped for a moment, and the entire world halted, everyone waited with bated breath. Slowly eyes flickered over to Twilight, and eyes that had been dull for so long finally lit up, if only just by a little spark.

“W-ol-T-Twi.” Wild gasped, and the others could have sworn Wild’s lips twitched upwards.

“Yeah, Cub.” Twilight’s shoulders relaxed, dropping completely to both knees as the other Links smiled. Legend thought about teasing the cheesy sight before him but thought better of it. Hyrule would love to see Wild doing better. Aw shit, Hyrule slept through this. Hyrule was gonna kill him-

“See if you can get him to drink some water. He doesn’t seem as nauseous” Warriors insisted, handing Twilight the water pouch.

“What if he throws it up?” Sky questioned.

“He can’t keep going like this.” Legend nodded to Twilight to try.

“Alright, Cub. This might hurt for a moment.” Twilight soothed, before lifting Wild’s back gently into his lap, the cub’s head resting against his lower chest. With only a small gasp of pain, Wild was situated well enough.

“Small sips.” Twilight directed, carefully pouring some water into Wild’s mouth. The boy coughed a little, but soon strained to get more cool water into his sore throat. “Slow down.” Twilight soothed, placing his hand on Wild’s forehead to stop his squirming. Wild managed to drink half the small pouch before obviously having his fill.

“Thank Hylia.” Sky breathed.

“Don’t thank her yet.” Legend huffed. “He could still heave it back up.”

“Maybe stop talking about it around him and he won’t.” Warriors hissed.

“How ya feeling Wild?” Four asked, deciding now would be a good time for a change of subject.

“Ngh.” Came the eloquent response. It was better than Four expected in all honesty. Twilight snorted a little at that.

“That good huh?” Twilight chuckled. He went to put Wild down and let the boy get the sleep he obviously needed. But the cub reached up and grabbed Twilight’s hand where it had come to rest on the boy's chest. Twilight could have easily shaken off the weak hand if he wished, but Hylia hadn’t Wild gone through enough already?

Wild’s eyes flickered up once more, resting on Twilight’s face. The cub’s hand squeezed so light Twilight could barely feel it, and the man quickly covered their hands with his other one. Wild’s hands were cold and pale.

“S-stay.” Wild pleaded.

“Okay, Cub. I’ll stay.”

#linked universe #linkeduniverse #lu #legend of zelda #loz #wild #twilight #time #warriors #four #legend #hyrule #sky #wind #soft legend #A Sick Wild Child #queenof-literature #queenof-literature story #QoL Story

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anxious-shapeshifter · 4 years ago

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A Question Worth Asking

There’s a question I’ve struggled with since the beginning of all of this (“this”, of course, being my gay awakening, and the subsequent fallout I’ve had with the LDS church).

Long before I found out I was gay, I’d already tucked two labels under my belt — asexual and aromantic (which could arguably now be called “demiromantic”). The implications of those labels were rather moot before factoring in being gay, as it isn’t exactly a sin to not marry or have sex in the mormon religion, though choosing not to marry or have kids is frowned upon.

Right then, it’s a problem now that I’ve found myself in a same-sex relationship. Now I’m actively sinning...or not? To quote the church’s own words, here’s how they’ve defined exactly why same-sex relationships and marriage are contrary to God’s plan;

“Sexual purity is an essential part of God’s plan for our happiness. Sexual relations are reserved for a man and woman who are married and promise complete loyalty to each other. Sexual relations between a man and woman who are not married, or between people of the same sex, violate one of our Father in Heaven’s most important laws and get in the way of our eternal progress.”

- From Same-Sex Attraction, Gospel Topics in the LDS Library app

The important law mentioned at the end of the paragraph refers to the law of chastity, which is defined as follows;

“Chastity is sexual purity. Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts, words, and actions. Chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage. It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage.”

- From Chastity, Gospel Topics in the LDS Library app

I’m asexual, and also don’t like the idea of sex. That’s just the way I am, and I don’t plan on changing that...I can’t change that, really. The relationship I’m in is strictly romantic, and by that definition, wouldn’t it therefore be “morally clean”?

Unfortunately, the church seems to care little about any kind of split-attraction model (despite the fact that they mention it on their website), and so I find myself in some kind of gray area. I don’t know what they think, and at one point I cared. I can’t tell you how many times I consulted the website, desperate for answers as to whether or not my salvation was at stake.

Sex is regarded as some sacred, intimate ritual that both asserts the love between two partners and holds the power of procreation, to bring other beings into this world. This is not an incorrect statement, but religion has drawn lines in some odd places, and it leaves one with a lot of questions if you delve too deep.

For one, what changes between premarital and married sex? Sure, marriage often equates to commitment, but beyond that, you can’t claim that all sex outside of the bonds of marriage is a loveless, selfish act.

Is all sexual activity between a married couple only motivated by the need to procreate? Must all sexual activity between a married couple have procreation as a forethought in order to be considered “morally clean”?

How does the perspective change when infertile couples are brought to mind? If they are married, but unable to bear children for one reason or another, must they abstain from sex because it won’t be “fruitful”, and therefore not “morally clean”?

Both of these questions have answers, actually, as the church has very clearly stated that “it [physical intimacy] is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love within marriage.”

Ask some of my previous teachers in the church, and they can tell you all about how wonderful sex is as an act of intimate love in a marriage. I’m sure it is, for those folks who enjoy that sort of thing. I’m all for people expressing their love for each other, but that includes those of us in the “same-sex attracted” category.

If a gay couple is legally married, then how come their sexual intimacy is still considered a sin? They’ve committed to each other, just as any straight couple would. Is their love not also legitimate?

As it turns out, no, according to the church. Gay couples have an additional box to check, to quote; “Homosexual activity is a serious sin. It is contrary to the purposes of human sexuality. It distorts loving relationships and prevents people from receiving the blessings that can be found in family life and the saving ordinances of the gospel.” (Chastity, Gospel Topics)

Ouch. “Distorts loving relationships”? In what way? More importantly, suddenly sex is only about procreation. If you can’t bring children into the world, you’re fresh out of luck because that’s the only “morally clean” way to have sex, apparently.

The church’s reasoning behind these things begins to twist in on itself and fall apart, because you cannot tell me that 1) Sex is an act of intimacy and an expression of love between two married people; and 2) Sex is only for procreation, all other purposes are immoral. Unless I’m missing some implicit piece of information in here? Is sex only permitted when the couple wants to have a child, and that act itself is the expression of love mentioned? Again, this leaves out couples unable to have children due to infertility or other uncontrollable circumstances.

And then there’s that last sentence in the quoted paragraph above, the statement that gay couples are missing out on the “blessings of family life” when they choose to love who they love. A rather ludicrous statement, because adoption is a thing that exists! There’s lots of children out there without families, so why not encourage more people to adopt? (There’s the whole bit about how mormon culture seems to frown on adoption vs birthing your own kids, but that’s an essay for another day)

And I’m back to the reason I began writing this; by church standards, is my own relationship an act of sin?

I am “chaste”, by standards listed above. I have no sexual relations, but I also completely lack a sex drive to begin with. My relationship is solely romantic, and a happy one. We love each other and respect each other’s needs and boundaries, we take care of one another. Neither of us desires to have kids, and, to be frank, I don’t think either of us would be in a physical condition to make that a possibility, if it were one.

If I’m frustrating my own human sexuality, is it because of my same-sex relationship, or because of my lack of sexuality? Would I still be committing a sin by remaining alone? There are two potential answers, one being that the sin lies in the same-sex relationship, and the other that the sin is my refusal to engage in sex and have children.

It can’t be the former, then. It was explicitly stated that engaging in sex with people of the same sex is a sin. Being LGBTQ+ in and of itself has been reinforced numerous times as not sinful, because that’s an identity we can’t choose. They got that right, at least.

So refusing to have sex is my sin, then? What a conundrum that puts me in. You’d think that would make the church all the more happy — a person with no sexual desires whatsoever, therefore less likely to think “impure thoughts” or act on wrongful urges.

But no, I’m still in the wrong. I have to have children! That is my ultimate purpose in this life — bar any other interests or desires, accomplishments, enlightenment — humanity’s destiny is to continually birth the next generation, to pass the torch. It sounds so...primitive? Animalistic, almost?

If I don’t follow in the footsteps of my predecessors, if I don’t have a posterity to carry on the human race, then what am I if not subhuman? Am I even human, lacking the sexual desires that I’m supposed to have? What am I?

Let me reel myself back in again to finish this essay off. The contradictions only seem to persist in church teachings on this topic, which is disappointing in this day and age where an abundance of information is available to learn from. Will it ever be addressed, in my lifetime or in 100, 200 years time?

I’ve unraveled a few of the strings for myself in the process of writing this, but it leaves a lot, if not more, questions to be answered. Is it something I can hope to untangle in this life? I wish I could say with certainty that it’s possible. In the meantime, I’ll follow the thread that feels right to me.

#theo's essays #this is one of my longer ones. buckle up!#essay #exmo #exmormon #ex religious #lgbtq #misogyny

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augusteofarles · 4 years ago

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helloo, this might seem like coming out of nowhere but i would love to get kdrama recs from you!! i've literally watched 2 dramas because i saw you talking about them and they seemed cool so i checked them out and I ended up loving them!! (strangers from hell and tkem) so would love see your recommendations. stay safe and have a great day <3

I’d love to give you recs! though by kdrama fan standards I’m relatively new myself. I’m guessing you don’t have a specific genre in mind since the two you mentioned are vastly different haha (SO glad you like Strangers from Hell because it’s one of my all time faves!)

I’m sorry I’ve been wanting to make a list so this turned into more of a list of kdramas I’ve watched overall lmao but I mention which ones are my FAVES next to the titles so I’d recommend starting with those as those are my recommendations.

FLOWER OF EVIL (FAVE) (this one gets its own category right now cus its a mix of a lot of things and my current obsession that I literally can’t shut up about lmao but be warned it is still airing so you might wanna wait till all the episodes are out. But actually don’t wait and come talk to me about it in my inbox after you’ve binged all the episodes PLZ aldkfa;ld;alk)

THRILLERS (fave genre)

Save Me (FAVE)

The Guest (TW: can be considered horror too)(FAVE)

Duel

Strangers from Hell (FAVE) (just including this to have it on the list)

CRIME DRAMAS

Signal (FAVE)

Life on Mars (FAVE)

Tunnel (FAVE)

Mad Dog (I might be the only one that liked this lmao)

He Is Psychometric

Watcher (still watching)

ROMANCE/MELO (though a lot of these can be categorized differently I suck at categorizing and also too much romance isn’t my brand)

Just Between Lovers (FAVE)

Descendants of the Sun

It’s Okay to Not be Okay (still watching)

The Legend of the Blue Sea

Healer

W-Two Worlds

I Am Not a Robot

Cheese in the Trap

The K2

Goblin (I did not finish this drama because I was uncomfortable with the main couple but it is considered a classic by MOST so I’m including it and it is an amazing production overall)

When the Devil Calls Your Name (still watching) (this isn’t really romance tbh but idk where else to put it lol)

SAGEUKS (HISTORICAL DRAMAS):

My Country: the New Age (FAVE is an understatement for this one, I live and breathe My Country, but be warned YOU. WILL. CRY. and maybe need therapy )

Kingdom (FAVE)

The Crowned Clown (FAVE)

The Tale of Nokdu

Rookie Historian: Goo Hae Ryung

100 Days My Prince

Love in the Moonlight (still watching)

The Untamed (this one is a Chinese drama but I think you will enjoy it, it’s a censored BL (based on a book that i DO NOT RECOMMEND AT ALL LOL) )

LIGHT/COMEDY

Psychopath Diary (still watching)

Thirty But Seventeen (still watching)

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon (still watching)

To-Watch List

Extracurricular

Train

Heartless City

Come and Hug Me

Kill Me Heal Me

#maybe i have become a kdrama fan by kdrama standards lmfaooo this is sad #I wasn't a huge fan of a lot of these but I'm including them because I wanted a watch list and because others might like them #kdrama recommendations #kdrama recs #asks #mine #the way i didnt include tkem in this ldmrnnf im sorry

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wherepoetswentodie · 5 years ago

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Hiii, this is part of the fic that I’m working on atm that I’m uploading because I crave validation and also feel guilty when I don’t upload anything

~~~~~

At 18 years old, Kevin Price didn’t know who he was, but he knew who he was meant to be.

He was meant to be loyal to his Church and his family. He was meant to drive his younger sister, Grace, to and from dance practice and make sure that his younger brother, Jack, was behaving when they were in Church (he almost always wasn’t). He was meant to get straight As in all of his classes (which he did), volunteer at an animal shelter when he wasn’t working a terrible minimum wage job at Target and being the most supportive little brother in helping his eldest brother plan his wedding - which was extremely boring, because Kevin couldn’t bring himself to care about the colour of the ties.

Strangely enough, it was at Target that Kevin began to realise things about himself. It was actually in the parking lot of said Target that he had his first kiss - with a boy.

Kevin had first got to know Brad Copeland when they were 16; one of the few non-Mormons at his school and someone who had always known exactly who he was and where he was going. He had told Kevin exactly who he was when he had been showing Kevin around on his first day of the job.

“I’m going to cosmetology school once I finish High School,” Brad cheerfully told him, “I’m also gay, if you didn’t work that out from, you know...” he gestured vaguely to himself.

“Uh, yeah,” Kevin said awkwardly, “Anyway, um...the - the cash registers...”

It had scared Kevin at first, seeing someone so openly themselves, but then he had started to relax around him. Hesitantly whispering that yeah, that customer is cute, even when the customer in question was a boy and even letting Brad practice by painting his nails (though the varnish was swiftly removed before Kevin went home).

And he supposed that’s how he ended up with having a boyfriend without even realising that he had a boyfriend. (Deep down, Kevin knew that there was nothing platonic about anything that he and Brad did together, but he had never been one to really dive deep into his feelings).

Brad was the only person who really understood Kevin, probably much better than he understood himself. He knew things about Kevin that no one else did; he knew that he liked to be the little spoon and that he didn’t really understand the scripture that he was so good at mindlessly repeating.

And being Catholic, Brad wasn’t much help when Kevin tried to work out why Joseph Smith didn’t just show everyone the golden plates and stop people questioning if he was telling the truth or not.

“Maybe they were too heavy for him to pick up,” Brad suggested.

“What?” Kevin asked, turning around on his desk chair to stare at him, half confused at what he had just said, and half confused as to why he was curled up in his bed like he was in his own house. Not that Kevin really minded him being in his bed, he was just more concerned about the fact that he was meant to be applying to colleges and was very obviously not doing that.

Brad shrugged and pulled Kevin’s blanket tighter around him, “I’m Catholic, I’m still trying to work out how the Holy Spirit wrote the Bible. I thought it wasn’t a physical thing.”

Kevin snorted, “When was the last time you went to Church?”

“I dunno, I think when my Grandma died when I was like 10?”

“It’s been 8 years!”

“At least one of us can do math,”

Kevin tutted and turned back to his Book of Mormon, clicking his pen. He was having one of those days where he couldn’t focus on what he was reading because he was far too distracted by the boy in his bed - and for all the wrong reasons.

“I’m going to break your hand!” Brad exclaimed, “stop clicking your damn pen,”

“Dang,” Kevin corrected, standing up from his chair and sitting on the edge of the bed.

Brad rolled his eyes and tugged on Kevin’s arm a little, “When are your family going to be home?”

“Two or three hours probably,” Kevin said, tugging his arm out of Brad’s grip in favour of taking his hand.

“So, come cuddle me,” Brad said.

“Needy,” Kevin mumbled, curling up next to him anyway.

Brad laughed and slid his arms around Kevin’s middle, pulling him closer. Kevin closed his eyes against the shouting in his head that was telling him he was going to Hell and tried to stay in the moment; the gentle puffs of Brad’s breath blowing through his hair, the hands running up and down his back and the fact that, for a short time, he could let go and be who he wanted to be - no matter how much it scared him.

“I’m really glad you’re my boyfriend, Kevin,”

Kevin’s eyes shot open and he looked up at Brad, his heart suddenly beating uncontrollably fast.

“B-Boyfriend?” Kevin said, “I’m your boyfriend?”

“We make out all the time,” Brad said with a giggle, “and you literally took me out on a date last week,”

Kevin smiled and closed his eyes again; the shouting in his head had just gotten that little bit louder, but he could still just about block it out and focus on Brad tangling their legs together and him pressing a kiss to his temple.

“You know, my brother is getting married in like six months,” Kevin muttered.

“I know,” Brad said, “Getting married at 22 is a bit much, isn’t it?”

Kevin shrugged, “I don’t know, that’s probably when I’ll get married,”

Brad pulled back slightly and looked down at him, a small smile playing on his lips, “What, you think it’s going to be legal then?”

Kevin frowned and wiggled out of Brad’s arms, sitting back against the headboard.

“It’s already legal?” Kevin said.

“No, it isn’t,” Brad said, talking very slowly, “It’s illegal for two men to get married, Kevin. Gay marriage isn’t a thing,”

Kevin scoffed and rolled his eyes, “I’m not gay,”

“No, I know you’re bi, but I think it’s still called a gay wedding even if-”

“I’m straight,” Kevin said firmly.

“Straight?” Brad laughed, “In what world are you straight?”

“I can’t be gay or bi,”

“Gay marriage being illegal doesn’t make being gay illegal, Kev,”

“I’m LDS! It might as well be!” Kevin snapped.

“You know there’s more to you than being LDS, right?”

“No, there isn’t,” Kevin said firmly, “but I don’t need to be more. I’m already enough as it is. Heavenly Father will reward me in the afterlife when I get to live with my eternal family,”

“So you can’t be gay but you can act like you’re my boyfriend?” Brad asked furiously, “I get that we can’t be out to your parents, but we can be out to each other, can’t we?”

Kevin jumped up out of bed and shook his head, “You don’t get it!”

“Whatever, Kev,” Brad snapped, shoving past him and slamming the door shut behind it.

Kevin stared at the space that Brad had been lying in moments before until everything clicked into place and the reality of what he was doing clicked into place. He snatched his phone off the bed and deleted Brad’s number. He sat back down at his desk and ripped open his Book of Mormon, flicking through to the verse that always made him feel better when he felt like God was actually going to smite him.

“But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness with intent, they were forgiven,”

#tbom #tbom musical #Kevin Price #Elder Price #mcpriceley

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defdaily · 5 years ago

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[TRANSLATION] Praew Magazine April 2019 issue x JUS2: time for 2

Ahgase! Right here!

Thailand's summer heat wouldn't be able to compete with hotness from the duo brothers, "JB & Yugyeom of GOT7. In the newfound unit, JUS2, they released a new single- "FoCus On Me- that makes the fans scream with interest to add this new single to their collection. In this issue, Praew took a flight to South Korea to collect photos of these 2 hotties for you before we took the chance to have a chat with them. Chatting with them in South Korea is really something. JB took the seat at the head of the table, followed by Yugyeom who greeted Praew staff around the table in Thai style with Wai and the word "Sawaddee Krub"

First of all, we would like to ask you how the leader of GOT7 and the youngest brother of the group form this new unit (a special Korean song project created by specific members), JUS2, together.

“In concerts, the two of us often sing together. So, we often talk about which kind of unit we would form next. In parties after concerts, the higher-ups would often talk about this idea as well and they thought having the two of us work together on a new song would be fun. So, the idea was developed from that point and became this duo unit today." JB replied.

"We also share similar favorite song genres, and we want to represent our characters with the music style which is totally different from GOT7. So, we took part in the production of every song in this project. We created some of the songs together, and created the others separately. For the promo song, we got help from a song writer named Cosmic Boy. We hope that everyone would love our songs." Yugyeom explained.

Can the fans expect something special from this unit?

"The first special thing that the fans can expect from us is stage performance. The second thing is the music which is going to be something that the fans have never seen from GOT7. We try to focus more on expressing emotions through the music in this unit, and we tried our best to present our characters through the MVs and the music style." JB answered.

You mentioned that you share similar favorite song genres. Which genre are they?

“I like R&B and Hip-Hop. So, I tend to go with these music styles when I write a new song. I mostly go for R&B, and mix Trap beats into the song sometimes. Do you know Trap music? It's a type of Hip-Hop which we can mix it with R&B. If you ask me who is my favorite singer, I’d say Chris Brown (R&B singer) and Travis Scott, a Hip-Hop singer" (smile). Yugyeom answered first.

“For me, I don't particularly fond of any genre. If it's a good song, then I like it. Same goes for when I sing. If I like the song and it's the song that can express my feelings with good music, then I can sing it regardless of its genre. If I have to pick my favorite singer, I'd say D'Angelo is my idol. It doesn't mean that I want to make my songs like his though (smile). I also like to listen to Toro y Moi and Kaytranada's songs lately." JB shared his thoughts.

What are the secrets or tips you use to write a song that can impress everyone?

"There's no secret in my work process. It just needs a lot of thought. I mostly find inspiration from my own experience or the stories I can find around me such as movies, songs, or books. I also have my past like everyone, my love experience or others, which I can take to present in my song. It's the same as making a movie (Scenario)." JB replied immediately

“I also get new inspiration from my surroundings as well, from my point of view on different things in my daily life. For example, when I saw a couple on the other side of the road, I would imagine what they're talking about, how happy they are. Or when I saw people living their life, I would ask myself what is their happiness, where do they find it, maybe their happiness is family or children at home."

“For me, Hmm...I don't think I do anything special. I just want to have fun with it. I may put my life experience and my imagination into the lyrics, but I mostly just create a good result if I enjoy the process and are happy with it." Yugyeom shared his thoughts.

It seems your processes are quite different.

"Actually, we share the same trait which is that we both like to work freely and have fun with it. The difference might be our standpoint. Yugyeom wouldn't think too much and tend to be easy-going, but I would focus on the point. If we have to make a decision, I make a clear decision while Yugyeom is struggled to choose" (smile). JB denied our mention.

Yugyeom gave JB a dirty look. "I’m not like that anymore! Like JB said, and as we mentioned about the way we work, you'd see that our thoughts are quite different (smile). However, this difference is what makes JB a good consultant since he can point out something I couldn't think of which is a great help to me.

"Another difference would be our preference for food. We aren't picky, but JB would prefer Korean or seafood dishes. He also likes Thai food as well. ("Tom Yum Kung is my favorite, and I also love Gaeng Keow Wan Gai" JB mentioned.) However, I would prefer western dishes and red meat. For Thai food, ld say Khao Pad is the best."

Since you've been working together for a long time, have you had any conflict?

“Never. We do have our different thoughts, but if it's my responsibility, Yugyeom would respect my decision. And if it's his responsibility, I would respect his decision as well. In terms of group decision, we mostly agree with each other. I think he has grown up. Looking at how he conducts himself nowadays, I can say that he has become more responsible. I can't tell you the detail since it's his private life though" (smile). JB said with confidence.

So, has the big brother JB done anything that makes him look like a kid?

Yugyeom looked at JB before bursting a laugh. "Sure! Everyone would say that he's like a very naughty kid when he pulls a prank."

Since you are in this industry for 7-8 years already, do you remember the goal you had on the first day you entered this industry? And how far is your progress toward it now?

"My dream is still the same, which is to be a dance singer. To this day, I still have a long way to go, for both dancing, singing, and stage performance. I think I could keep getting better if I keep practicing." Yugyeom answered clearly.

“I’ve never had a goal. I used to be a b-boy dancer and I want to have a full experience with b-boy and Hip-Hop culture, but I have never set a goal to become a famous singer. If I get famous, that's good for me. I just want to dance the way I like and write songs freely. I didn't do it to get famous. All I want is just to give my all to make good songs." JB said.

“I still think that I need to produce more quality songs. Further than that, I want to keep working on it every day. Not to repeat the same thing over and over, but to explore something new to improve myself and widen my world with the new lessons and discoveries I could find along the way."

Looks like you two have come so far. What makes you become who you are today?

"I think it's diligence. As time passes by, I grow more diligent because I often think of the past which makes me feel that I could do things better but I didn't. That makes me try my best to keep getting better at my work so that I have no regret. It's to the point that everyone sees me as a very diligent and determined person." JB replied immediately. Yugyeom agreed to JB. "Like what he said, we just try our best and keep it up every day."

Have you ever been depressed or struggled because of your work? And how do you deal with it?

"Generally, it's my physical condition like when I'm tired or lack of sleep. Sometimes, I sit alone on a sofa and ask myself, what am I doing or why do I have to do it, which I believe that everyone has moments like this no matter what kind of job they do. However, I'm quite optimistic and easy to forget. When I start asking those questions, I'd just ask them and stop thinking further (laugh). Yugyeom shares his experience.

"My problem is that I think too much. I would overthink things over and over until it sinks into my heart which makes me feel very bad to the point that I can't sleep sometimes So, I normally try to sleep it off. If I feel very down, I will go out and meet my friends so that I can forget about it. When I have something on my mind,I will not tell the others. I usually try to figure it out myself. I may tell my parents about the problem on my mind, but that's only when they ask. If they don't ask, I don't talk" JB told us seriously. “But if we talk about physical tiredness like when I’m tired from work, I will think of when we released the song Never Ever. It was very cold back then. The time we finished our work and got into a warm place was the best. This memory could help me Cure my tiredness.”

Yugyeom took this chance to conclude. "I think we just need to be positive because no matter what's the problem, we can go through it"

What about the good time? Is there any good memory you get from work?

"I love to perform on the stage. Doing concerts is the best time in my working life." Yugyeom answered first.

"I do like to do concerts like him and I like the time we release a new album as well, but I would be happier when I get good feedback from my work. When GOT7 returned from the Eyes On You World Tour and received a lot of praise from the company or when I wrote You Are and got a praise message directly from the company's president at night, I was very happy. It makes me feel like every effort I put into my work pays off the good result." JB shared his memories

May you give some advice to the people who dream to be a popular and successful singer like you please?

"First of all, you must understand yourselves the most you can. Ask yourselves if this is really the job you want. You need to think carefully because you might regret and lose your way if this job turns out different from what you expect, but if you're sure about it, then you must give it your all to make a success of your dream. Do your best every day, and don't cower before any obstacle." JB, as the group leader, gave his advice

You have visited Thailand so many times and you will pay a visit again in the near future. Is there anything in Thailand that impresses you?

“I really love Thai food, especially seafood with a lot of shrimps. For traveling, I like Phuket the most. I saw a lot of advertising about Phuket, then I travelled there and found that it's a really great place. (Yugyeom nodded and agreed with JB. "Exactly, Phuket is the best. ") Oh! There's another place I want to visit. It’s Phi Phi Islands which I heard that we need to take a boat from Phuket to go there." JB answered with a smile.

"If we talk about Thailand, I would think of Thai fans. Every time we visit Thailand, Ahgases would treat us very well. The event that impressed me the most would be during the Eyes On You World Tour in Bangkok. The fans on the 3rd floor arranged pink glow signs to form the word GOT7 Saranghae (We love GOT7)" Yugyeom answered excitedly.

"That's right. I remember that Bambam would report the number of audiences to us before the concert excitedly. He said, You know that this is Thailand, right? All the 12,000 seats are packed full, you know? (laugh) Our Thai fans treat us very warmly. If it's American or westerner fans, they would enjoy the concert with us, but Thai fans would give us their all." JB confirmed Yugyeom's opinion.

Is there anything you want to say to Thai fans? JB pleaded with the fans first. "We are JUS2, the special unit from GOT7. We hope that you would like and enjoy our new release, Focus On Me. We put our feelings into this song. And I want to thank everyone for supporting us all this time. Thailand would be really hot right now. So, please take care of your health" (smile)

"Everyone would have been waiting for us for so long. I do want to meet everyone soon as well. Please support us in unit JUS2. We made the song and created new moves for this unit ourselves and we hope that you would love it." Yugyeom pleaded the fans with cuter tone. “Rak na…“ (love you.)

Scans by ‪coconutverbena‬

For more pictures check out: https://twitter.com/coconutverbena/status/1113992114176528384

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thespaceace124 · 4 years ago

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Tv shows I watched this year, my favorite character from each, and why I like each character.

Since my past few posts about Fandom/TV shows have been kinda negative/ criticism, to end off the year, I wanted to make a few posts about things that I like in media. So today we’ll be taking a look at all the shows I watched/finished this year and my favorite characters from each.

Space Force: Captain Angela Ali. Its been a hot minute since I watched Space force, but iirc she’s just… done like 99% of the time with all of her superiors, but in the ten episodes we get, we see some fun little character moments from her. Like in the war games episode where she has to grapple with being an amazing book student, but has a hard time applying some of the stuff she learned at the military academy in a “combat” situation and has to sort of learn and take the lead from one of her “underlings” who is better in that sort of situation. Also, the bonding moments she has with Chan, like when they’re on the road trip, and when she asks him for help learning some science stuff so she can be more useful on missions and stuff. (again, its been a while since I’ve watched this one so my memory of it is a little foggy)

Stargate SG-1: Colonel Jack O’Neill. I like the tope he falls into of the very surface level sort of gruff military man, doesn’t like talking about his feelings, makes smart ass remarks, asks people who talk to much to get to the point, he’s a very fun character, and adds a lot of fun lightheartedness to the show and is generally enjoyable to have on screen. Also tends to get the most character development, at least regarding his past and sort of why the way that he is. (I would say Teal’c gets the second most), also the reason I got into stargate, as my dad showed me a compilation of him being a smart ass and I was like “oh ho ho, I gotta see more of this guy”

Doctor Who (specifically seasons 11 and 12): The Doctor. I like this version of the Doctor, I like that she a little more lighthearted chaotic as opposed to the previous Doctor, who I would describe as dark chaotic, (at least in s11) and just very fun to be around and watch on screen. Also, I think that the rest of the fam is a little bit underdeveloped? Like, we got a lot of fun stuff for Ryan and Graham in the premier with them being a part of a family unit and then at the end of the season we got a nice little scene of them bonding and Ryan calling him grandad and then in s12 there’s like none of that??? And with Yaz we get that she’s kinda got the usual female companion backstory (not a big fan of her job, not happy living with her family, wants *More* out of life) and then we learn that she got bullied as a kid, and at one point she tried to run away, but a kindhearted cop and her sister??? Managed to keep her in Sheffield. So, I feel a little bit like the doctor is my favorite as a default just because we already know the doctors story, so we’ve just pasted a new personality onto a familiar character.

Deep Space Nine (started 2019): Major Kira Nerys. Straight up the reason this character is my favorite is because my dad said I remind him of her and that makes me feel nice. Also, Nana Visitor is very pretty. Also I like that she takes 0 shit from anyone, including Sisko, but we also get to see her learn and grow from “I will always voice my disagreement no matter what” to “There is a time and a place to object” and also a little bit of learning that sometimes you have to work with people who’ve hurt you and sometimes that sucks. Anyway, she’s a grade A badass and I love her.

Voyager (started 2019): Captain Kathryn Janeway. Like my reasons for Kira, I think Janeway is a badass, and that Kate Mulgrew is very pretty. But also, I think Janeway is a badass in a different way than Kira is, simply because their characters are in very different situations. But I think Janeway is portrayed to be handling things extremely well, and doing what needs be done, obviously that wasn’t super looked at as they did want to keep the tone of voyager relatively light, but anyway, I like Janeway because she’s someone to look up to, to want to incorporate traits of into your own behavior.

Picard: Rafaella “Raffi” Musiker. I like Raffi because she is one of the most consistent characters in Picard. See imo Picard suffers from having too much on its plate, and also it drops/ abandons too many characters. With a show that has only 10 episodes, especially in a first season, you can’t do that. So, with Raffi being in the majority of the episodes, with consistent characterization that makes sense, and working as someone who can actually keep Picard in check? That’s the best character in the show. Also, I think of actors not seen in Star Trek before, she’s one of the better ones and that makes her better.

Lower Decks: Ensign Beckett Mariner. I love a chaotic smartass. Also, for as much as I love LD being a relatively slice of life comedy, I love that Mariner got a ton of characterization in the last few episodes, especially exploring her relationship with her mom, and people who knew her at the academy. She’s super fun, I love how she’s almost always dunking on Boimler, but also really cares for him and doesn’t want to see him hurt. Again, she’s just super fun to see on screen, I love that she doesn’t really like authority figures, and is content to figure herself out while being a relatively low-ranking officer. I like Mariner because she is both sure of herself, but not totally sure what she wants to do with her career, which is something that Star Trek has never explored before, and I think its super interesting.

Discovery: Commander Michael Burnham. I think a trend with a lot of the characters on this list is that I personally find them cool and/or pretty, and once again that also applies to Michael here, but also, I like her because Michael as a concept is fascinating. Like the idea of being a child who goes through a trauma and then is immediately whisked away to a place where she can’t actually process it? And then as a result grows up emotionally constipated and only in her 30s, is sort of finally able to shed that and actually learn how to be healthy with her emotions? Absolutely fascinating, I love that. I also love that we can kind of see that her upbringing and the suppression of emotions as a child still effects the choices that she’s made to this day. Its super cool, and I think one of the best parts of discovery.

Ratched: Nurse Mildred Ratched. I don’t have anything really important to say here, I just tend to like the main characters of tv shows because by default they get the most development/ back story or whatever, and honestly this is one of those shows that I enjoyed enough to watch all ten episodes, and then never picked it up again, so. Ehhh

Dexter: Dexter Morgan. I like Dexter Morgan because he’s a man who has always been told he doesn’t have emotions, but as the show goes on you can totally see that he does have emotions, he just doesn’t know how to handle them, and that they don’t present themselves in the same way that “normal” people’s do. Like, I fully believe that Dexter did actually love Rita, Harry jr., Deb, and Hannah. But I also believe he didn’t fully know how to cope with those emotions, because instead of getting his son help Harry Morgan decided to turn his son into a killing machine, which was a Choice.

Hannibal: Will Graham. I liked watching him kinda fall into Hannibal’s co-dependency trap. Character regression baybee. But like, that’s what happens, I’m pretty sure at one point they both admit that they aren’t healthy for each other, but they also cant live w/o each other. Which is not a dynamic I personally had seen delved into in media before I watched this show. I just think he’s neat.

ATLA: Toph Beifong. I like Toph because I think she provides a nice foil to Aang, whilst also not going too far into the opposite direction. She’s decisive, she knows for the most part what she wants from this adventure, and mostly how to go about getting it, while also discovering a new family along the way. I also just like the way that she can and will throw a boulder at you if she thinks you deserve it.

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: Sabrina Spellman. Again, sort of falling into the “I tend to like the main character by default folder” It’s also been a hot minute since I watched this show, so I’m just gonna say that I like Sabrina because she is always the one getting her own self into trouble by being Different. And while I’m not saying that it is always good to conform and do what is expected of you, all of the issues in the show are caused by Sabrina (for the most part). Season one is all about shit falling apart if she doesn’t sign the book, season two is her shaking things up at the witch academy and also not wanting to be the princess of hell (understandable, but again, still her fault) and the whole plot of season 3 is the fallout of her imprisoning the devil and then also being too cocky with the guy made of clay. She’s far too cocky, and I think that’s super funny in regards to how it gets her into situations she’s not really prepared for.

The Coroner (BBC): Beth Kennedy. I watched this show with my stepmom, and in this show, Beth tends to be the one who lightens the mood a lot, so she’s my favorite character b/c of that.

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elmidol · 4 years ago

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There is a Necessity in Balance (NSFW)

Three Blind Tooke Part Two Precarious Harmony

Read on AO3

Warnings: oral, vaginal sex

Three Blind Tooke

Part Two: Precarious Harmony

Chapter Thirty-Nine: There is a Necessity in Balance

Urvno entered your bedroom shortly after you had finished the cocoa and cookies. Kylo had left with Rey to address the Knights of Ren. A part of you suspected that their absence was also to ensure you were more forthcoming with the physician than you may have been when in their presence. He would not yet draw your blood for testing. Urvno informed you that you would fast that night to ensure that he could do so the following morning. In the meantime, he seated himself on a stool that he had brought with him. The datapad he carried was tilted your way, and you glanced over the information displayed. He had outlined what sort of dietary changes he wanted for you. These would assist in boosting your metabolism; it was a reminder that your uterus was not the only organ damaged by the lightsaber.

The First Order physician was someone you trusted with your health. He had always excelled at keeping you alive. You had harbored so much hatred, resentment and, yes, fear during your time on the Finalizer and Starkiller Base. Urvno has been the only individual—aside from Kylo Ren and General Hux—with whom you had let down even a fraction of your guard. You found your body readily relaxing in his presence. This contrasted with your unsteady relationship with General Hux. With the red head, you always had walls up. His cold eyes constantly searched for weaknesses in your armor. Tooka. A pet, which the man clearly viewed as being replacable.

One of the sweets that your mother had baked remained on the plate that was set on your bedside table. This you grabbed whilst the physician scrolled past the data outlining the dietary changes in favor of bringing up information regarding the exercise regime you would start with. It included images—scans, to be exact—of the weak points in your anatomy. Your upper body strength had not suffered quite so much as your lower extremities. You bit down on the cookie.

A second instance of Urvno scrolling revealed the first weapon that you would learn to wield. You fought to control your facial features. At any moment, until they left, either Captain Phasma or General Hux could walk into your room. They could see your expression and become suspicious. You clenched your jaw to prevent yourself from mouthing its name. That would be a huge mistake for the aforementioned reasons.

This was a projectile weapon, although you would not equate it with a blaster. A lanvarok. You had never wielded this, much less could not remember having any personal experience seeing it. It was a weapon used by the Sith if your memory served correct. The projectiles were controlled via the Force...which you did not have.

Rey, you realized. Kylo Ren was leaving you with Rey in part for missions like this first one. The target that would be killed by the lanvarok was a known collector of Sith artifacts. That meant black market. Deals went sour all the time. It made perfect sense to you. You only hoped that Rey could bring herself to assist you. Your Force bond would help guide her hand despite the distance that would be between the pair of you and the target. There were Force sensitive beings throughout the galaxy, ones that kept their powers a secret.

Your skills as an LDS and Rey’s capabilities as a Force user.

Initially you did not realize that you had started to hold your breath. Only the building discomfort alerted you to the manner in which you were agitating your lungs. A steady exhale followed by a slow inhale. You drew the tips of three fingers back and forth along your forehead. The training that you would undergo involved strengthening the connection you had with Rey. When it came to the first target alone, it was an individual with plenty of credits to toss around for protection. The Knights and Rey, or maybe Rey alone, would focus on them while you placed yourself into a position to fire upon the target. You would observe through a scope, your bond alerting her to the moment you pulled the trigger, and from there she would take control of the projectile.

It only made sense for at least one of the Knights to be present on this upcoming mission. Otherwise one of the bodyguards could overtake Rey, if not prevent her from fulfilling her part in the assassination.

The weapon’s capabilities in hand-to-hand combat would prove useful when you were confronted with the hired guards and mercs that protected the perimeter.

Of course, the new Supreme Leader of the First Order wished to keep his name out of the mission. He would not be involved in arranging a meeting. That’s my job as well, you thought. Not that you were surprised. When working with the splinter cell of the Resistance, there had been one mission wherein you had been responsible for a similar act. At that time, though, your target had been a First Order officer.

A tap by Urvno’s middle digit eliminated the data on the screen. You reeled back a fraction, startled by the suddenness of the action. Your eyes darted to the door to your bedroom. No one there. No sounds of footsteps. You supposed that there was no true reason for the physician to risk being caught regardless. It wasn’t as though you were physically ready to work with the weapon. Nor did you know if it was already on-planet. It was your target that you would be researching. Learning their routine, how they arranged meetings. That information would take some digging.

You settled back against your pillow and stared at the familiar patterns on the ceiling that had long ago been traced by your mind. This room was so small compared with your memory of it. Large when contrasted with the bunks and shared quarters that had been your life since leaving home.

Urvno did not rise from his position. He was content to observe you, the man likely assessing how your behavior altered now that you were not in enemy territory. He was the one out of place this time. That was...nice. Relieving.

“What do you think?” you asked. Receiving no answer, which you attributed to the vagueness of the inquiry, you elaborated. “You once tried to prevent us from meeting together. After Starkiller… Now we’re married. Does it terrify you that I may not survive? Or do you have more hope that it will be possible?”

He drew a hand down the length of his face. There were exhaust lines on his features. How had you missed those? Or had you conditioned yourself to ignore whatever glimpses of morality there were on the faces of those in the First Order?

You could hate so strongly. Hate blinds people. It was a lesson your parents had taught you, and that Ip had reminded you of on more than a single occasion.

“Don’t be afraid,” you told the man, the gentleness in your voice half faked and half genuine. An echo in the mind: that line, by countless voices. Your father. Kylo. Ip. Kylo. Yolo Ziff at one point. Kylo. Your stomach clenched. How was your former enemy, your current husband, among those names? That part of his humanity that complicated things. The phrase spoken as a manipulation tactic then more softly, earnest. “I guess that isn’t fair to say.”

For the first time since you had met the man, the final sliver of coldness melted away from the man’s gaze. There had always been a sort of wall in place before. A barrier that stated you were Resistance and he was First Order. Urvno reached for your hand, enclosing his around it. Something a parental figure might do. Your eyes stung. There was a tightness in your chest that clenched, unclenched, clenched again. You dared not lean too much on this man, not physically nor emotionally. But you kept your hand in his, and drew comfort from the contact.

“We were all told that Snoke was overthrown due to a betrayal he had dealt the First Order. I signed up to serve the cause, not a single being.” You had done that as well, which was why when Kylo Ren and General Hux had mocked singular beings you had been able to ignore their jabs. But whenever they ventured to curse your beliefs, you had lashed out in retaliation. “The galaxy is far from what it could be.” This view you shared.

By pushing for the galaxy to demilitarize, the New Republic had crippled those in need. They had allowed attacks on Outer Rim planets, and they had allowed the First Order to grow in the shadows. The military did not exist solely for war. That was something your father had taught you. Protecting the weak, similar to how the Jedi functioned, that was the role of the military as well. It was what General Organa had tried to remind the New Republic of. And she had been deemed a warmonger.

Deciding that enough time had elapsed, that it was becoming too familiar, you withdrew your hand from Urvno’s. The physician stood. He verbally repeated the dietary changes that would be implemented, as well as reminded you that fasting was imperative for accurate results. There were several things he wished to test for. A mini exercise routine would be copied to a basic datapad that he would bring. You took basic to mean childlocked. No extra features. No means of giving into temptation to contact the Resistance. That was fine. You were committed to the mission. Most important, to staying by Rey. She was the Light, along with Luke Skywalker. A beacon of hope that the Resistance and its allies would fight alongside. That was your duty. You didn’t need anyone else to tell you as much.

I need to find a way to read up more on Sith lore. This could be a trick. A way to manipulate Rey to give into the Dark side of the Force.

“I’ll follow your orders,” you said. There was wiggle room in your words. You did not promise the extent of your loyalty nor its duration.

As soon as he left and you were alone in your room, you rose from the bed and walked over to the window. There was life, vivid and brilliant. You had missed Naboo and its sights. Space was gorgeous in its own right, but it could not compare with home. On this planet were the people you had known while you had grown. Some of them had pretended there was no looming war. That had been your mother. Misguided. Hopeful.

Hope was that double-edged blade you had never mastered. One day you would, this you swore to yourself.

On the other side of the window pane, Rey and Kylo stood opposite one another. Their postures were different from what you had observed when they sparred. A lingering sense of peace buzzing in the back of your mind; the impression via your Force bond that the young woman was calling upon the Light. She was looking to your husband for guidance on...you did not know what. There were countless things she could be asking. A former scavenger. A young woman who had been waiting on Jakku, some backwater planet, for her family to come back for her. Now thrust into this war, into the position of symbolizing hope for many. She, like all living beings, had her doubts. There were vulnerabilities that she had to be hiding.

I had many teachers, even those beyond Ip, you thought. She’s had to be on her own. And now that she has both Skywalker and Kylo… You sucked your bottom lip into your mouth and lightly bit down on it. But Kylo can’t learn about Luke’s connection with Rey.

“Tooka.” You startled at the voice that broke through your internal musings. The muscles in your legs tightened, though your torso remained more limber, allowing you to twist around with a certain amount of ease. You met the man’s gaze for but a moment prior to staring at the ground.

The eyes were the key to the soul. At that moment, you were guarding a secret: that your mother still lived. General Armitage Hux was skilled when it came to reading others. You knew that he could read your moods. Always searching for your weaknesses. Avoiding his gaze could prove a fatal act if it was for a prolonged period. As soon as you gathered your bearings and successfully placed your mental defenses, you took a deep breath and looked his way. Acted for all the world that exhaustion had been the reasoning for your behavior.

“General.”

“Grand Marshal, actually.” Oh, how he loved his titles. This one caused you pause. Kylo Ren could very well be weaponizing the promotion; it would assure that Hux failed to act on plans to overthrow the new Supreme Leader until for a time. Stroke the man’s ego and he would remain content until other obstacles in his quest to obtain power were eliminated. The Resistance first of all. Unless Luke Skywalker was the foe he feared most. “And you, his wife. New names that place us under him.” Unspoken: I shan’t remain under him for very long. The Supreme Leader is dead; long live the Supreme Leader.

You cautiously stepped forward, your eyes searching his face. His flesh was tight near his eyes. Mouth pulled into a frown. This was not gloating. Now that you were paying attention, you saw the underlying resentment that contrasted the victory such a promotion granted him over others. Others who were, ultimately, already beneath him even before Snoke had been overthrown. Grand Marshal Hux walked into the room only to pause in his steps one stride later. You wrapped your arms around your midsection, cupping your hands around the limbs to keep them busy.

“Is the rank official yet?” you asked when silence had stretched on another fifteen seconds. He quirked an eyebrow. “You seem the sort of person who’d want a whole ceremony and parade.” The redhead barked out a laugh filled with amusement. His shoulders were still shaking when he brushed past you to peer out the window. The thoughtful hum prompted you to twist around and return to your former position, albeit this time beside the Grand Marshal.

There would be no parade in his favor; and whether or not he wished for one, it did not matter. You observed him via your peripheral and his reflection. This took some time and effort on your part. Any time Rey or Kylo would shift, your eyes refocused, eliminating the opaque version of Hux. His attention shifted to the former Jakku scavenger on occasion, however he was predominately fixated on Kylo Ren. Armitage’s upper lip curled in unconcealed disgust and frustration. Hatred. A slight blessing for the Resistance. The newly deceased Supreme Leader Snoke had been wise to create that wedge; the pair would have overthrown him sooner. And now? Now it gave the fragmented Resistance a fighting chance to regroup.

“It must kill you to be cooped up here.” This was not a jab at you. His voice and tone were both too soft for that. You side-eyed the man, attempting to learn his motivations. “I’m no fool, tooka. I know you are always plotting.” He gave you a once-over. “That may explain things. A subconscious realization that you needed to be kept weakened. Never enough power to overthrow him. Perhaps he was not quite so blinded by his personal interests as I had allowed myself to believe.” His chest puffed out, his nostrils flaring. Grand Marshal Hux crossed his arms behind his back and tilted his head to the side—towards you, as though you were some co-conspirator. “That won’t last once he leaves this planet, will it? You are a stubborn woman. Not that stubbornness always stems from wisdom.”

There was the jab you had been anticipating. A weak attempt; it attacked your views without becoming too personal. His plans to overthrow Kylo Ren had a place for you. “So… We both know I’ll never give up—something I’ve said since I was first captured.” A deflection that lacked a proper closure to the conversation. Here the Grand Marshal turned his head to stare directly at you. You, on the other hand, started to watch Rey. You could see the side of her face. Her jaw tight, her eyebrow pulling inward, an indication that she was glowering in agitation at the older Force user.

The pair outside had their similarities, but they were ultimately, drastically different from one another in key ways. Kylo possessed a selfishness that Rey did not. He had grown up with so much only to decide it wasn’t enough. Rey had owned almost nothing but made the best of it. They were bound to clash from time to time.

Hux is witnessing this as well. He’ll want to use Rey.

You cleared your throat, noticed the subsequent twitch that came from your companion, and confirmed the young woman had caught his attention as well. Grand Marshal Hux smirked instead of becoming flustered. He did not utter another word to you. You clenched your jaw whilst the redhead exited your room. Everyone believed they were in control. So delusional. You wanted to be in control, however that did not mean that you deluded yourself into believing that you were. You did what you could. Fought against your restraints. Made progress. It was why you did not ignore Rey.

She had not altered her expression. It was that frustration with Ren that Hux would play upon, the same way Snoke had done to him and Kylo. In some ways, you might be forced to utilize that frustration. If that was what it took for her to correctly assist you with the lanvarok. The difference being that you would be working with her.

Hoping that the calmness you sometimes felt from Rey worked in the reverse, you closed your eyes and tried to think of happier times. In solitary confinement, such things had helped to keep you sane.

Instead you felt a spike of irritation that rushed through you, stabbing at the back of your head. You reeled forward. Hands shooting out, you caught yourself on the edge of the window, tough your forehead hit the glass all the same. You dropped down to your knees. Out of sight should Kylo or Rey look up in your direction. It hadn’t been a soft thud. A roll of your eyes. Inward curses. The Force was not your friend even if it existed inside of you.

Even from your room, you could hear the front door open. It hit the wall hard enough that it was obvious it bounced back towards the individual entering. Wood meeting flesh. They caught it with their hand. Either Rey or Kylo; you were unsure which you preferred to see. As long as they separated from one another, you did not care. Light could consume darkness. Darkness could consume light. Both were difficult for you to handle. That was when you didn’t have a headache. You growled low in your throat whilst running a hand along the point of impact. Flinched at the spike of pain. Another swear left your lips, this one different from the one you had uttered when first you had injured yourself.

Footfalls on the stairs. You held your breath to better hear their sounds. At last you identified the owner. You twisted around without rising from your spot. This allowed you to greet the young woman the moment she entered your room. Your eyes tracked her movements all the way to the bed, upon which she sat. Thankfully it was on the edge and facing you. Her lips were set in a frown that bespoke of a previous pout or snarl.

“Are you okay?” Your inquiry was not immediately paid much heed.

She blinked, knit her brow, and visibly thought of what you had asked her. Once the question registered, Rey drew her legs up off of the floor and crossed them while she answered. “Kylo is able to sense Master Skywalker to an extent. He knows we’ve had contact...and lying to him doesn’t completely work.” Oh how well you knew that to be true. “He said he will speak with the Knights of Ren so that they can help me… Help me while I distance myself from Skywalker. He sounded sympathetic.” So did she as she spoke. Rey did not yet want to relinquish the idea that one day Kylo Ren could turn back to the Light, however you could tell that she was realizing it was something he would have to choose to do. No one could force him.

What were you supposed to say to that? You wished to comfort her without lying to do so. You chewed on your bottom lip while ruminating on which approach, what words, were best suited in these circumstances.

It took you but a minute to realize you had an answer for her.

“A grudge like what he has doesn’t fade. And… You want the Knights to trust you, to feel comfortable, I know that. I don’t know their history with Skywalker—if they have one.” Rey nodded in thought, her facial features relaxing. “Hate helps him. The Dark side feeds on it, and he’s allowed it to consume him for years. You don’t have to give up hope, Rey. We do what we can. We’ll do it together. Actions can speak louder than words. The bond you share with him might help him feel how it is to choose the Light every time that you do.”

Just then, you were allowed to feel it. The warmth as more of Rey’s agitation faded away. She gave you a small smile. It brought to mind the question, or repetition of the question, of her capabilities with a lanvarok. How adept would she be with the weapon? Furthermore, how skilled would you be? The warmth rushed through you in waves. Just as the fears and doubt coursed through you, that sense of contentment from her helped to ease the worries.

“Kylo wants me to train with a lanvarok,” the former scavenger said. She knew how to play ball in this court. Grand Marshal Hux and Captain Phasma would not be surprised to hear this information if they were eavesdropping. You nodded, locking gazes with the brunette. “As a polearm, I shouldn’t have much trouble. I used a staff on Jakku. And it’s impervious to lightsaber blows, which may come in handy.” Rey cupped her hands together on her lap. “There is a distance of only five meters if I practice with a different model.” The model that you would use. A frown tugged at your mouth. That wasn’t enough distance, not for your comfort. “One of the Knights has been tinkering with it, finding a way to make a hybrid so that it can be fired from a further distance.”

The unspoken portion: there was a chance that this hybrid would never see the light of day. And where would that leave your mission? You could do it, technically speaking. They would be watching Rey’s lanvarok. Your smaller model could be concealed. Once you pulled the trigger and she took control of the projectile...no one would see it coming.

“You have your work cut out for you.” Translation being we have our work cut out for us. She understood what you meant and nodded.

Once you were able to study more about the target, you would grow comfortable with the task. You looked in the direction of the space heater. You had turned down the temperature, neglecting to shutdown the device until some of the tenseness in your muscles went away. That tension had lessened after your time with Urvno, and again now that you were with Rey. If only your mother could be there; you wouldn’t need the space heater at that point. The differences in opinion that you and she had did not negate the fact that it was such a relief to see her in person. To know that she was alive, that she loved you—or part of you, the part of yourself that you sometimes missed. Even with the hurt that she felt, she had made you cookies. This was proof enough that she cared. She was, in her own way, accepting the differences.

At night, when all becomes quiet in the house and darkness surrounds the building in which you had spent your childhood, you laid in bed with your back to Kylo Ren. It was not to snub him. The man was watching you in that familiar manner. Studying not your behavior but your very existence. As though you might disappear if he blinked. A small part of you had wanted to sleep with Rey instead, to whisper and hope that no one overheard your discussion of how to handle the future mission. You were tired of being out of the game. As soon as you had settled down in bed with your husband, however, it had been easy to relax. It served as a reminder that you were smarter than that; taking needless risks would ruin everything.

You turned around to lie on the opposite side and stare back at the Supreme Leader. This was not how you had expected your life to go. That thought reminded you of conversations you had had with him in the past. There was no fading away into reminiscing. You clung onto the present by scooting nearer to him. Kylo dipped his chin; you had slipped further underneath the covers, and your face was more in line with his neck.

With the lights out, there was much of him that you couldn’t see. That would play in the reverse. You reached a hand out to touch the side of his face. This tangible connection that he refused to make himself. A contrast to your history with him, although you were aware of the reasoning. Reasonings, actually. He did not wish for the Grand Marshal to hear you in the throes of pleasure. Nor did he want to exacerbate the genuine exhaustion that plagued your body. Lastly, he was silently pouting over your fondness for the female Force user.

She missed Finn. Kylo had informed you of this, substituting Finn’s name with the label of traitor. Guilt was drowned by hope, which was a relief for you. There were already far too many anchors holding you down. You would break each and every one of those chains in time.

The flesh underneath your fingertips was harder when you touched his scar. Smooth in its own way. “I miss bedtime stories.” Back when monsters weren’t quite so real.

Kylo embraced you with a single arm then drew you more tightly to him. You did not struggle. Closed your eyes and breathed in his scent. He smelled clean. And suddenly you thought of the ashes, the ones he had smeared across you on the day, or perhaps night, you had been reborn as his prisoner, his guest...as Tooke. What had happened to those ashes? The electronic tooke pet was on the bedside table, its settings on silent mode so that it wouldn’t keep either of you up all night. Things. Symbols. You did not want to be materialistic, that wasn’t you. It hadn’t been you, your mind corrected. Now there would always be a part of you that craved the feel of something tangible.

He asked you why you missed the bedtime stories that you had heard growing up, and you found yourself unable to articulate your reasonings. There were countless. The few that made any sense sounded immature, childish, whimsical, foolish. You were too jaded to speak them aloud.

“It doesn’t matter. I just do.” A soft sigh escaped him. You felt the heat of his breath on your eyelids as your lashes fluttered. His hand slipped up underneath your shirt, its palm meeting the small of your back. You rested your forehead against him, closed your eyes, and let yourself drift off to sleep.

Morning began early for you. Urvno drew your blood for testing, and you followed both Rey and your husband to the front yard where they planned on training. Captain Phasma stood off to the side. Her helmet on as usual. The Grand Marshal, on the other hand, had his facial features exposed. The distaste in his expression when his eyes drifted to Kylo; the passing interest whenever he considered Rey. So long as Luke Skywalker remained alive, Hux knew that it was wise to keep a Force user nearby. Phasma would go along with him if it meant surviving. Together, these two could potentially eliminate Kylo Ren—and the galaxy would be all the worse for it. A First Order run by two merciless individuals. Perhaps together they had dealt with the senior Hux. Such thoughts made you sick to your stomach.

Two Knights of Ren, one of which handed Rey a staff, joined the Supreme Leader. She would be facing multiple foes. Later on, in the absence of the triumvirate, Rey would wield the lanvarok. It was here on the planet somewhere, the polearm version that she would be in charge of.

They started slow. Rey ducked under the swing of the taller Knight’s blade. A moment for breath then the second Knight charged her and aimed for her feet. She used the staff to give herself leverage, landed on her feet behind the Knight, and knocked one end against his back so that he stumbled. Another breath. Kylo Ren came at her with his lightsaber ignited. Having observed him on the battlefield, you instantly saw that he was holding back. There was no aggression. His movements were slow, allowing Rey to see where the blow would land so that she could catch it. Had she been wielding the lanvarok, there would have been different angles for her to use. You noticed her eyes dart to those points on the staff. It was mental work as much as it was physical.

The training was for your benefit as well. If you were unfamiliar with how Rey handled the weapon, you would fail the mission. Maker, you wished that the Grand Marshal and chrome armored woman would leave Naboo, that they hadn’t arrived at all. It would have been easier to train. These limitations were irritants.

But, father, you taught me patience. You relaxed where you sat. All tension in your body faded away, melting in a similar manner from back during your training with the splinter cell. Those days in solitary confinement that would have otherwise driven you insane. You taught me how to live. I’ll succeed. I won’t—I can’t disappoint you.

Kylo Ren told Rey to use the Force on a stone that he handed to her. He wanted her to balance it in the air, to keep it afloat, as she maneuvered through another staged attack. That was a trick. Balancing one’s focus on the polearm and the disc; a staff and a rock.

Captain Phasma remained off to the side for the duration of the training session. Grand Marshal Hux disappeared into the house three quarters of the way through. It wasn’t arrogance that made Armitage leave. He trusted Phasma to take care of whichever Force user would be of less use to them. Or to find the weaknesses of both. You were glad that the Knights did not leave Rey’s side when Kylo did.

The man you had recently married made a gesture with his hand as he walked past you. You rose, heeding and accepting the invitation. He entered the room that he had been frequenting. Your father’s study. “He told you.” You murmured a timid response of I finally asked. There was no need to state that the First Order officer had baited you into asking. Kylo knew the redhead well enough to already know this. “How much?” Hinting at an illness, that’s all. A snort from him. Kylo twisted around, his eyes pinching in the corners. Mouth twitching into an expression of annoyance. “Would you like to know more?”

“Yes.” You were breathless, desperate. Your husband nodded, raised a hand, and called upon the Force. There was a hidden compartment in the wall to the study. You took a step backwards when it slid open. Secrets. Kylo allowed his compassion to bleed through, stating that children were often oblivious to things they did not wish to see. Signs of illnesses. Focusing instead on the times when your father was in remission. Kylo gifted you with the comfort of privacy. You sat on the floor of the study with the files that told you your father’s true medical history, and you cried in despair and awe. Your father had been stronger than you have ever known.

Eighty-five minutes passed before you left the solitude offered by the study. You did not want to be alone anymore, and it was not Rey that you sought. Kylo Ren was seated on the end of your bed. His elbows rested on his knees. His hands cupped together with something in his palms. His jaw was moving, though his lips remained pressed together. No sound from him until you were inside of your room with the door closed. Only then did he look up and inform you that the electronic tooke had died.

“The battery?” you asked without pausing in your steps. Kylo shook his head. “Oh.” You did not know how you felt about that. It seemed such a small thing. Miniscule. Unimportant. It was a game that could be started over. You withdrew the device from the leather-clad hands, bent down to place the object on the floor, and rose back to your full height. Kylo Ren remained watching you. “It’s okay.” You had taken a second to assess the way your muscles felt, how strong your fatigue was. “It’s okay,” you repeated just as you sank down to your knees. His parted to make room for you. One hand immediately went to the back of your head. Its twin had met yours with freeing his cock from the confines of his clothing. He did not ask you why you wanted this. The truth? It had become a familiar sort of release that you craved whenever you experienced intense emotions. It was a connection with Kylo, who had seen your father through your eyes. You could not experience this with anyone else. Even your mother, whom you would speak with as soon as possible, couldn’t do this for you—allow you to feel as though you were floating beyond your body.

Your mouth was wet with saliva, which instantly slicked up his length as you took him into your mouth. Ren snapped his hips forward. You shoved him back towards the bed, the hand on the back of your head bringing you along. He groaned. The sound so hungry that it sent heat through your body, down to the tips of your toes. You felt your inner walls clenching, felt the wetness of your juices in your panties. The sensation of arousal was something you wanted more than an orgasm, at least right then. That buzzing in the back of your head. It would become louder as you came then fade away. You wanted to hold onto it. Which was why you let him rise on his second attempt. Kylo fucked into your mouth, and you set your hands on his thighs while letting him control the movements of your head.

His heavy breaths were loud, they had to be for you to hear them over the pulse in your ears. Your eyelashes fluttered. Through tears that formed as his cock slid along your tongue and towards the back of your throat, you stared up at his face. Kylo had been watching you for as long as he could before he let his head fall back. His breath hitching between gulps. He was close. Your throat bobbed each time you swallowed his cum. Only when he softened, as your tongue continued to tease his sensitive length, did he pull away.

Kylo Ren tucked his cock away, walked around you, and helped you onto your feet long enough that he was able to get you onto your hands and knees on the bed. You delighted in the sensation of teeth nipping at your shoulder through your clothing. “I don’t want to cum,” you whispered. Tried to whisper. It was not a scream, was less than a conversational tone even, but it wasn’t a whisper.

You knew that he understood your meaning without further explanations. One hand toyed with your breast. A gentle massage. Just enough to tease you. The other hand finding its way between your legs. Three fingers rocking back and forth, bringing you close to the edge. Then the contact was broken. Your inner walls spasmed. So close. Your body screamed at you that it was so kriffing close to release. That delicious buzz.

“Oh...kriff...yes….” A shudder ran through your body. Arousal ebbed—and he knew it. Kylo hooked only two fingers between your legs this time, wedging them between your outer lips with ease. He manipulated the wetness in your underwear and used it to slide his fingers back and forth against your clitoris. You rocked into his touch. “Please.” Please keep prolonging this moment. Don’t let release come. Don’t let this moment end then fade away.

He whispered your name. Your body reacted to that as well. It was almost too much. “I can give you what you want,” he purred. Air felt so thick. How could you breathe? You were panting, that was how. Panting and nodding, because he could. He could and he was. “There is no resistance.” Or was it capitalized in his statement? Was he denying your association with the Resistance? Did it matter?

It should, a quiet voice said.

Should did not equate to does. The name of an organization should never define its existence, shouldn’t claim to own a set of morals or views. Your mother somehow opposed both the First Order and Resistance. Two extremes?

“I need more,” you whimpered, wanting the buzzing to return. Craving it. Needing it—it needed to drown out those thoughts. Those thoughts would otherwise make you wonder what your father would have wanted. You would never know, and you could never know. All that you knew was that he had wanted you to live, that he might have been afraid to die but he did it with a brave face. And that was what you wanted to do. You wanted to do what was right, but suddenly the galaxy wasn’t black and white with the First Order representing evil and the Resistance representing good.

There needed to be a gray area, otherwise the war would never end.

“More,” you cried out when Kylo did not immediately respond. He chuckled, albeit not cruelly, and kissed the side of your neck. His tongue swiped along the shell of your ear. Body pressed tightly against yours, pinning you to the mattress and toying with you. Then he showed you, once more, how skilled he was with words. Dirty whispers that brought out a: “Slow down, I’m not ready to cum.”

“Shh, I got you,” he said, easing off. Holding onto you. Not breaking the contact, and following your lead, your needs. “We’ll do this together.”

He may have been talking about sex, or the, or both. There had to be more than just light or just darkness. Gray. A balance. Sometimes the light was blinding. Sometimes you needed that darkness. Sometimes, you felt, you really did need him.

“Yes...please… Please…”

#kylo ren x reader #kylo x reader #kylo ren smut #kylo ren imagine #three blind tooke #elmidolfanfic #precarious harmony

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rainbow-scarab · 4 years ago

Text

It’s fanfiction time!!

A mini crossover between @kuttiesstuff‘s Human Candy AU and LanternDay AU (but mostly LanternDay).

I found out about LD Sans's story a few days ago looking through Kuttie's art tag (I had seen him in the Twitchy Timeloop comic but didn't really know what he was about). Aaaaaaaaand somehow a fanfiction happened XD

I've taken some liberties with the AUs, especially since there's only so much revealed about LanternDay (as well as some things I didn't notice went against canon until it was too late WHOOPS), but I hope it's fun anyway. ...Pretend everyone speaks German lol I don't want to butcher it with my attempts

(Also....this is the first fanfic I've actually completed since like....2009 o__o;;; I'm not much of a writer. But I still enjoyed myself c: )

Title: Tastes Like Home

-------------------------------

Chance wasn't used to the stares he was getting from monsterkind on his long trip back to Snowdin from the surface. In fact, he wasn't used to any part of the journey--that's what teleporting was for! But today that wasn't an option. Not for a human.

Of course, he had been human all along! But now it was visible to the outside world (even if no one recognized him anymore as "Sans"). Ever since he found that one universe with its unique candy... Well, it had only been a day, but already it was a new chapter in his life--he just knew it! He'd finally be able to go home, whole, in his body... The universe had promised him.

When it would happen, he didn't know. But in the meantime, he explored the surface. This time, where other humans could recognize him as such, and he could fit in! Malls, movies, food........he could be just another human teenager.

But human teens had to sleep eventually, so it was back to his house in Snowdin. A big grin spread across his face as he walked. He couldn't wait to tell Papyrus about his day.

---

Papyrus pounded the bread dough with all his might. And again, and again. It made an odd crunch each time.

It had been two days since Sans came home from another universe, ate some strange magic food, turned into a human, and ran off excited! Leaving the Great Papyrus behind!!

He punched the dough so hard it flew off the counter, joining half a dozen others on the floor. He sighed and started on another. At least one loaf of his surely soon-to-be-famous spaghetti noodle bread had made it to the oven.

Sans had seemed so happy in this human form. But there was no reason he had to go off by himself. He would have gone with him, if he even knew he was going somewhere! It frustrated Papyrus to no end. But most of all, he was worried. Worried at how long Sans had been gone. Worried that he was alone as a squishy human. And worried that....

That...........

Papyrus didn't want to think about it, and he threw himself back into breadmaking. Grillby was out there looking for him anyway. Sans would come home one way or another.

Then came the sound of the front door.

"SANS!?"

---

The moment he opened the door, Chance was swooped up in a huge hug. "papyrus!" He smiled and wrapped his own arms around the taller brother. Before he could get out any more words, Papyrus spoke up at his typical volume.

"SANS!" Papyrus, stern, put him down quickly (but gently) in favor of putting his hands on his hips, and stomped his foot down. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?"

"oh, uh..." He should have expected to be taken to task for something like this. "sorry paps, phone ran out of power. i didn't think too much of it since it was only a day--"

"TWO DAYS!"

His good mood was slowly deflating. Had he really lost track of time that badly? No wonder he was so tired. "sorry. i guess i got too excited at the thought of going home."

"H....home?" He realized his mistake immediately. Papyrus's shoulders sagged, and his face looked less angry than....scared.

"i, um, papyrus..." His mind struggled against the twinge of pain in his heart. Of course he'd be going home! That was how it always was gonna be. Papyrus knew of his origins too, so...so....why was this so hard!? Not being able to bear the look on Papyrus's face, he looked to the side. Leaving him staring at the house he'd lived in for so many years now. But...not for much longer, right? He'd have to say goodbye to it.

"Sans?" Papyrus was waiting on him. Looking back at his little brother just made his heart hurt more. For years, he hadn't wanted to think about it, but with the promise of going home closer now than it ever had been, the fact was unavoidable, standing in front of him. If he wanted to go home, he'd have to leave Papyrus behind too.

Tears welled up in his eyes and he shot forward to hug his brother. "don't worry about it, paps..."

Papyrus returned the hug. "I'm going to worry about it if you......" There was a strange pause. "Sans, your body!"

"...huh?"

"YOU'RE BACK TO NORMAL!"

A quick glance at his hands confirmed it. Skeletal, again. Back into the strange magic costume he'd been trapped in for years. "....oh."

He pressed back into his brother, tears flowing in earnest. Somehow this wasn't a shock to him. It made sense. Despite everything, he was too attached to this place and the people who came with it. In this moment, being here, as Papyrus's brother, even in monster form, was more important than going home. That was what what his heart told him. But it still hurt.

---

Papyrus held Sans until he calmed down. There was a lot he didn't understand. Sans's mood had changed so quickly. Was it related to where he went? Did it have to do with being human? Was it all those "mood swings" teens were known for? He didn't know. He was still worried about what Sans said, about going "home"...but it could wait for now.

Sans's breathing finally evened out. "you're the best, paps."

"NYEH??" That brought a smile to his face, and some of his usual attitude. "Well...OF COURSE! I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS."

A loud beep sounded from the kitchen. "...MY BREAD!"

---

The brothers sat on the couch with a plate in front of them, as Papyrus put on the finishing touches. Bread, full of spaghetti noodles, marinara sauce on top, and a sprinkling of herbs.

"MY CREATION IS COMPLETE!" Papyrus sprang to his feet for dramatic effect. "THE FIRST SPAGHETTI BREAD!" He cut off a slice and held it out for Sans, looking at him expectantly.

Sans took and bit into the slice, bits of dry crunchy noodle crumbling out of it. The bread's contents scraped against the inside of his mouth, and he found out the hard way an entire bay leaf made it into the bite as well. "it sure has a lot of texture, paps."

This pleased Papyrus. "NYEH HEH! BUT OF COURSE! TEXTURE IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT COMPONENTS OF A DISH."

"yeah you always know what a dish kneads." He took another bite.

"OH MY GOD SANS. DON'T START."

"what? my puns are the yeast of our problems." Another bite.

"SANS!!"

"just roll with it paps." Crumbs and sauce were getting everywhere.

"SANS! NO MORE...HALF-BAKED PUNS OUT OF YOU! NYEH!"

Sans burst out laughing, and kept laughing, until tears streamed down his face. He kept grabbing more bread, and shoving it in his face as best he could through the laughter and tears. Papyrus had to wonder again if he was okay.

Was he okay? Sans really wasn't sure. He so desperately wanted to go home, but it just wasn't happening. He felt like he was given an amazing opportunity, and he missed his chance. He couldn't prove to the universe that he wanted it enough, and so not only could he not go home, he couldn't live life as a human either.

All he could do was laugh, cry, and eat more and more of this bread. It hurt. But somewhere inside him, he didn't want to admit, he couldn't help thinking maybe this was what home was like. A home anyway. The taste of the bread...the old couch...a little brother. And, maybe home hurt sometimes. A reminder that he couldn't have everything to make him whole. Torn between his origins and his current life.

At least this life came with a cool brother.

He curled up against Papyrus, still slowly attempting to munch on bread, and drifted off to much needed sleep.

-------------------------------

The end!

.....Papyrus eventually remembers to call Grillby to tell him Sans is back.

I didn't know how much canonically Papyrus knew about Chance's past as a human, and how Chance expected to go "home" someday. I just kinda made him know here....and be low-key anxious that someday his brother would leave D:

I might have seen too late that Papyrus doesn't make his own bread, but.....it's spaghetti bread??? XD Which I found out after writing IS A REAL DISH!? ...WHY XD I thought for sure I was making it up but no...real life beat me to it. But at least the version in this fic is a true Papyrus original 😉 Also going under the assumption here that these skeletons can taste cuz...why would they love bread so much otherwise?? Well, doesn’t matter so much in the actual fic anyway.

I had Chance stay human for so long, longer than in the Human Candy comic, cuz of the magic that makes up the candy. Using hypnotism to trick the soul into thinking its human. Chance already believed he was human so strongly it enhanced the effect.

In fact I wonder if it could possibly work so well he could be in that form for weeks, or indefinitely, so strong is his conviction. But, well.... Some things are more important to him. (Yeah, this picture was a big inspiration for the direction the fic took).

Because the candy would have naturally run out well before he actually turned back, this wavering in his conviction was enough to end its effects. So...while Sans wasn't correct in thinking the universe had something to do with it, he was a little correct in that his mindset had an effect.

#fanfic #writing

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omegas-spaghettios · 5 years ago

Text

Dear A,

I do my best to not be a vindictive person. I have had a history of being vindictive to multiple people, and it's never ended well for anybody involved. But there are a lot of things you do that hurt me, even though you can't know why. That's why I'm writing here, to get my words out there without harming you.

I know you moved here within the last couple years and you are struggling to make friends, and I think you are a genuinely nice person. I've done all I can to talk to you and ask about your interests, and i agonized at Wal-Mart trying to find you the perfect gift. This isn't to guilt you, i happily chose to do all of that. And I believe your company is fun. I wouldn't really search it out much, but when I have it in the group it has mostly been pleasant.

Until recently.

Let me tell you some things I have gone through, A. I have grown up in LDS Utah as a closeted Bisexual. I have been through hell, and I know I have had it easier than a lot of LGBTQ+ people in that religion. Since 8th grade I have consistently had depression and anxiety, clinically diagnosed, with therapy and meds and everything due to living here, the social hatred is incredibly intense. During that time up till now, just finished 11th, I have also had multiple self harm and suicidal stretches. This isn't asking for pity, most kids my age unfortunately have had to go through this. This isn't new.

I started dating a mormon girl 10th grade year. It was good for a long while, but starting 11th year it got bad. She had awful anger management issues, and was incredibly vindictive. Not to mention that she guilted me into supressing my problems so I can help hers. For months I endured passive aggression and my own repression and fights and anger because I truly loved her. But last month I decided enough was enough. I cut it off. I am not of the LDS faith anymore, and that was a major part of the decision as she still is, but that wasn't really why.

Not to mention the hallucinations. For the last year I have had infrequent hallicunations of Wendigo's, i'm sure you know what those are, as well as paranoia. Just yesterday I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression induced psychosis. I took my meds for the first time today for the hallucinations and begin therapy Monday.

The point is, add all of this together with what has been happening in the world and the stress of me being asthmatic when a respiratory disease is running rampant, and i believe you can see why I am struggling. I have turned to our friend group of 7, A, to finally talk to my peers in healthy ways about my struggles and not face my ex's wrath. I'm really struggling and for once I feel like I have a good support network, one I only kind of get at home.

So why am I upset and hurt? Well, a lot things. A, I know you believe in witchcraft and paganism and that creepypastas like Slenderman and Jeff the Killer are real. Personally, I think it's not real in the slightest as it can't be empirically proven, but that isn't why I'm upset in these scenarios. I think your beliefs are a bit ridiculous, but I respect everyone's beliefs. You do you. It is how you have used your beliefs to inadvertently harm me.

I came out to the group as Bisexual. The deal is, 4 of the 6 of you gals all knew already. You didn't. The ones who already knew came out in support, and you were silent. No harm done, really. Felt kind of off, but oh well, I don't really care. You weren't vindictive and haven't been about it. The issue is, you came out as a witch to your parents and gave us the play by play expecting our comfort. The comfort you never afforded me. I still gave it, i remember the hell I went through when I came out as Bi to my parents and you shouldn't go through that alone. But it hurts, knowing it's one sided.

But that isn't all. Your parents wouldn't let you use a dating app, so you came to the group chat and said we needed to find you a boyfriend. That's my my place, find your own damn boyfriend. I am fresh out of an awful relationship and now a single Bisexual. Even if I wanted to think about anyone's relationships much less my own, do you think i would set you up with people I think were interesting? And not try to date them myself? But I was polite and told her the truth: I only talked to that friend group and one other person. A couple of others also respectfully declined to find you one. Then you had the fucking audacity to send in the chat a picture of you scowling and leaving at that. Not an emoji, no words, a picture of your actual face in pure disgust. That's when I got angry. How dare you demand I find you somebody. How dare you be that lazy and demand me, in my fucking disaster state, to do it for you.

Well then, let's address the mental issues I have. It isn't your fault, I want you to know. And any one of these instances is excusable, but together I don't think it is. I had a full on panic attack sitting two feet away from you and another friend, let's call her E. My paranoia was shooting through the roof, i felt like I was about to be killed and I couldn't breathe. E kept giving me concerned looks and mouthing if I was okay, in which I gave many half hearted thumbs up. She knew it was bullshit, but guess why she didn't say anything? Because you, A, were running off about how Slenderman is stalking you. You even said that paranoia and fear means he is around. Not that you believe that, that it is FACT. It was incredibly dehumanizing of you to tell me what I was experiencing in that exact moment was because some 2000's fictional monster was around. I didn't say anything, granted because I physically couldn't, but it's not your fault. But everyone I have ever met will tell you I wear my heart on my sleeve. So how you could sit next to me, who was silent and fighting tears and quietly trying to gasp for air and was shaking and was being quiet as to not bother you (thanks, ex), you ignored me. Not only that, you dehumanized the very reaction I was having. That really hurt, A. Unintentional or not, it hurt.

Not to mention when I made a meme of my full name on Kermit jumping off a cliff to commit suicide, I made that very clear in the meme. I posted it in the group chat. I know that is not a good way to reach out, but I haven't reached out to anyone in months, so it's better than I have in a long time. A, you just said "yeah" and moved on to some asinine topic. Others tried to bring it up but you steamrolled overthem with your rocks or Jeff the Killer or something. A very clear cry on my behalf for help, and you said "yeah". Thank you.

Then this morning. Last night I woke up around 1 AM absolutely panicked. Not able to breath, shaking, world spinning, sweats, everything. Like I was dropped right in the middle of my worst panic attack ever. I was sure SOMETHING was about to kill me. It took hours to feel safe, and i haven't slept since 1 AM. I posted in the chat that I couldn't sleep and needed to talk to somebody. It was late, but I needed somebody. I was vague, but I don't want to drop that i am psychotic in the middle of a group chat. Then you woke up around 9 and said "oh, I can't sleep most nights so I get your pain. I felt really sick last night and threw up." I don't mean to diminish your experiences, A. I don't know how hard it is for you. But I went through hell last night without any of my friends in the chat, I eventually got ahold of my sister. Then you have the audacity to come to me and say "I get it. I was ill last night, so I get it." Again, it could have been miserable for you. But you just ignored my cries for help AGAIN, and you tossed my pain out of view so you could go on about yourself AGAIN.

I've done so much to make you feel welcome. I wouldn't choose you as a friend, but you are in the group and as such have worked to make you feel like part of it. But you don't care about me. At least, it doesn't seem like you do. I have made it very clear multiple times that I am not okay (did I mention the time I posted things in that chat about me experiencing hallucinations and you didn't say a damn thing?) and you don't care.

I write this out here because you don't know what I'm going through, so I can't hold it all against you I guess. But with how dismissive you are I don't trust you with it. We will be nothing more than superficial friends, if that. I typed this out, so I'm going to take a deep breath and move on, I'll be civil and jovial with you. But you have hurt me deeply, and thus have lost my trust.

- Bryan

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