#I think the take 'you should be punished for genuine accidents' is not normal

[pubbee]

A more realistic take on the pulling a bharv scene would be when Isabela accidentally misgenders Taash in the middle of her story, Taash gives her a quick light smack on the arm and she just goes "oh right sorry. Anyways, they-" like normal friends and not coworkers with an HR team breathing down their necks

[keferon]

Inspired by the ask about Ratchets “How to hold a human class”

———————————————————————

“Kid! C’mere!”

Deadlock twitched a finial in Ratchets direction. He wasn’t quite ready to stop sulking contemplating by his spot next to the pond but Deadlock also didn’t want Ratchet to yell at him again.

Actually yell at him.

Deadlock hadn’t meant to piss the medic off, he was actually trying to help in the moment. Ratchet said he needed to get something on the catwalk so Deadlock did the natural thing and grabbed Ratchets arm to put him up there. He’d barely lifted him off the ground when Deadlock felt the shock of pain shoot through Ratchets field a split second before he shouted in pain. He immediately let go which resulted in Ratchet landing hard on his hip.

After which Ratchet flew into one of the most genuinely angry rages he’d ever seen. He’d called Deadlock every variation of “reckless” and “irresponsible” imaginable. Any thought of justifying himself withered under not so much Ratchets scolding, as the faint feeling of pain and concern that bled through the rage like a new layer of paint slapped on before the first layer could dry.

Deadlock retreated into himself and fled the hangar. Flipping endlessly between “I didn’t mean to!” and “That doesn’t matter slaghead!” Through his mind and the night.

It was morning, and Deadlock was determined not to be a coward at the very least. Whatever punishment Ratchet had decided on Deadlock would respect. Even if it was something as spark crushing as “leave and don’t come back.”

Deadlock followed Ratchet, who was favoring his right hip, back to the hangar. Deadlock kneeled and waited for his sentence.

“Okay. We’re gonna go over some ground rules and basic human anatomy so what happened yesterday doesn’t happen again.”

Deadlock’s finials popped straight up. His mouth open to say something but nothing came to fruition.

Ratchet waved his hand through the air, “You didn’t know and you didn’t mean it. We both know it was an accident but if you really want to make it up to me then pay attention.”

Deadlock closed his mouth and nodded quickly.

“Good. Now gimme your hand.”

Deadlock complied, keeping his hand lax as Ratchet manipulated it to wrap it around his arm the same way from yesterday.

“Okay, don’t do anything yet but explain to me why you grabbed me this way.”

Deadlock cycled his optics for a second while he thought.

“Cause your arm is a convenient handle?”

Ratchet breathed out his nose slowly.

“And do normally pick up other mechs that way?”

“Yes?” Sort of. Deadlock didn’t really interact with minicons. Or maybe they just avoided him.

“This makes more sense then.” Ratchet said, swinging his arm and Deadlocks hand slightly.

“Metal can take that kind of torque without easily bending or tearing . Humans are not made of freakin metal kid. We’re a lot of soft tissue wrapped around a hard skeleton. The skeleton is basically a bunch of individual struts held together by soft connective tissue. That tissue is normally pretty strong when it’s pulled the normal way.”

Ratchet leaned slightly in Deadlocks grip, “This. Concentrates all of that weight into a single joint. Now technically, my shoulder can hold my entire weight but not at such a sharp angle to my body.”

Ratchet removed his arm and began to reposition Deadlocks hand to lay flat and palm up.

Ratchet pointed at Deadlock with an accusatory finger. “Rule Number One: Always fucking ask for permission first!”

Ratchet turned and sat on his hand, scooting backwards until his back rested against Drifts thumb. “If you do need to lift a human, best option by far is just holding your hand steady and letting them climb on.”

Deadlock shifted his hand to more comfortably hold the medic. Ratchet was both squishier than he was expecting and more solid. The sensation kind of reminded him of a big warm gel packet. “I think I’m getting the picture. So what should I do if I don’t have time to ask or you can’t answer?”

Ratchet sighed and Deadlock could actually feel him deflate. His face twitched in barely restrained amusement. Ratchets face twitched in the exact opposite of amusement.

“Pick up humans around the center of mass as much as you can. Try not to pick them up by the limbs. Do not ever pick one up by the head or neck.”

Ratchet shuffled in his grip, and maneuvered Deadlocks fingers to wrap around his torso while keeping his arms free. “Now, very slowly. I want you to gently tighten your grip. Stop the second I tell you to. Got it kid?”

Deadlock’s processor glitched for a second. Logically, he understood what Ratchet was teaching him. How and why. But. He’d just hurt him. And not only had Ratchet put himself back into Deadlocks grip of his own volition. Ratchet was specifically putting himself in an even more vulnerable state then almost loosing a limb. Deadlock didn’t even feel a hint of fear in his field. All he could feel was Trust and Patience and Care, as if Deadlock was the one putting his literal life in someone else’s hands.

“Got it Ratch.” His vocalizer came out staticky.

Deadlock closed his grip at a glacial pace, there was much more give than he was expecting so it caught him off guard when Ratchet finally said “Stop.” Deadlock froze.

“This is about how far you can go before it gets uncomfortable.” Deadlock’s processor skipped again, because holy Primus that was almost no effort whatsoever. Good to know how close he came to maiming him yesterday.

“Start again.”

What?

“What?”

“There’s a lot of give between comfortable and painful. I want you to have a frame of reference for both. I’m going to stop you before anything gets damaged kid, trust me.”

Slowly, Deadlock increased his grip again. It took about another minute before Ratchet stopped him again.

He breathed out in a controlled wheeze, Deadlock could feel Ratchets pulse against his palm, only marginally faster then when they started. “And that’s the upper limit. Don’t do this shit unless you need to.”

Deadlock relaxed his grip and Ratchet slipped off his hand.

The medic took a minute to breath and roll his shoulders.

Then, Ratchet laid down on the ground.

“Okay. Final exam. I’m going to pretend to be unconscious and you’re going to pick me up.”

Deadlock actually did start laughing at that point. Starting as silent shaking and then slowly building into not-quite villainous cackling. There was just something so absurd about the situation that all the tension from the preceding day unraveled until Deadlock was also lying on the ground. Vents whining and vocalizer mostly static by the time he started to calm down again.

Ratchet had sat up and was calmly watching him. The only physical tell Deadlock could see was a faint twitch of Ratchets mouth resisting the urge to smile. But Ratchets field radiated Fondness.

“You supposed to make that noise?”

Deadlock reset his vocalizer, “Yeah, it’s just been a long time. Are you ready?” He said rising up on his elbows.

Ratchet flopped down again.

“You’ve got ten minutes and you aren’t allowed to drop me.”

Deadlock grinned like a menace, and wondered if he could talk Ratchet into any extra credit classes.

AHW THIS IS SO LYLHKGKGNH DEADLOCK COMPARING HUMAN BODY TO A GEL PACKET HE LP

[animeomegas]

Hi!!!, first, congratulations on 1000 followers!I wanted to ask you something, could you make a list of omegas that would have worse self esteem during pregnancy.if you can't don't worry, have a nice day and again congratulations.

(Hey, thank you so much for your congratulations!! Hmm, I’m sure I can make a little list~)

Warnings: Insecurities of all sorts, mentions of sex.

Insecure over appearance:

· Itachi – Itachi is worried about how skinny and sickly he is. He’s always been on the small side but pregnancy has stopped him being able to keep much food down, and so he just kept getting smaller and smaller. It’s a small insecurity at first, but he does find himself staring at his reflection and wondering if his mate finds him attractive. Itachi goes a long while without sex because of how sick he gets during pregnancy and after birth, and that feeds the insecurity that his alpha doesn’t find him attractive.

· Tamaki – He’s completely fine until he gets lost in a rabbit hole on some parenting and omega focused forums. He finds all these posts from other omegas about how their alphas don’t find them attractive anymore, and about how they’ve stopped having sex. Now, Tamaki is extremely sexually needy during his pregnancy, so he’s suddenly paralysed with fear. Has his alpha been forcing themselves this whole time? Have they just been doing it to please him without enjoying it themselves? He cries about it quite a bit until his alpha finds out and knocks a little bit of sense into him.

· Asmo – Asmo puts so much effort into his physical appearance. He’s very proud of it and he’s very reliant on his appearance to carry his self-esteem. So, a drastic change of any sort would be extremely distressing. He buys every cream and treatment imaginable to stop stretch marks, and acne etc. but things still change with his body. And because Asmo views his worth through looks, he assumes that his alpha does also. He tries to hide, to turn down sex, but of course, this alerts his alpha immediately to the fact that something is wrong. He never really gets over the insecurities while he’s still pregnant, but his alpha can minimise the effects with copious love and praise.

· Julian – He’s extremely insecure as it is, constantly questioning why his alpha finds him attractive at all but being pregnant adds enough layer on to the pre-existing insecurities. He always tries to reassure his alpha that they don’t have to touch him if they don’t want, that they should leave the room before he gets changed or when he’s bathing because they probably don’t want to see him like that. His insecurities run very deeply, just like Asmo’s, so they can’t be fixed, but they can be helped with lots of comfort and reassurance.

Insecure over abilities (e.g., being weak physically etc.):

· Sasuke – The fact that he can’t go on missions or train pisses him off. And as the months go by, he’s gaining weight and losing muscle definition and it freaks him out because he feels like he’s losing who he is which drops his self-esteem. Training has been a part of his life for as long as he can remember. Just design some softer workout routines for him with a mednin and remind him that he can still practice throwing kunai before he loses his goddamn mind.

· Bakugou – The physical condition of his body changing isn’t that big of a deal for him. He has a very small tummy, especially considering he’s pregnant with twins, and he knows he can bounce back after the birth because he’s super dedicated to his physical routine. What he’s not so confident about is the slipping control he has over his quirk. He has (had) an iron clad control, and the random explosions while pregnant are so embarrassing. Not to mention the disruption that his quirk causes in his nest. He has to replace so many cushions which makes his instincts go wild because significant changes to an omega’s nest while pregnant is distressing. If his friends tease him about the loss of control, he gets genuinely mad about because it’s something of a sore spot.

· Jumin – Jumin tries to keep his life while pregnant as close to his life before being pregnant as possible and in many ways, he nails it. He buys copies of his favourite suits and has them tailored every other week to fit his growing stomach. He buys non-alcoholic wine and drinks it with a grimace. He schedules lots of massages to keep the aches and pains away, so he feels normal. But there is one thing that isn’t so easy to keep normal: his emotions. Now, this fits into this category rather than the one below because Jumin gets insecure about how his emotional control impacts his ability to work. His emotions had never impacted his career before, but now he can’t help but tear up when he gets overstressed, he can’t work long hours without getting lonely and wanting to go home, he can’t take business trips because he doesn’t want to leave his nest for too long. It makes him feel a little like he’s lost himself because these things are things he’s been doing with ease for his entire life. He’s quite irritated by it and it damages his self esteem somewhat.

Insecure emotionally (e.g., unsure about being a good parent etc.):

· Tamaki –Tamaki also makes it onto this category. His insecurities are very specific, but he worries about being a bad role model socially for his pup. If his alpha is very socially adept, I’m not sure he would worry as much, because he knows that his pup can learn from their other parent, but if Tamaki’s alpha is also a little shy or prefers not being around people, then he gets really worried about it. Him being so shy and anxious has really impacted his life and he really doesn’t want it to impact his pup in the same way. He really worries that he’ll be a bad influence in that regard. (but the prospect of an extremely extroverted child is an equally terrifying concept in a different way haha.)

· Lucifer – He is very worried about being a good parent because all he can focus on is the past times when he wasn’t a good older brother. I mean, Satan hates him, and that’s as close to a father/child bond that Lucifer has, so surely that must mean he’s not cut out to be a father? He’s not good at emotions or reasonable punishments or showing affection or… well, point is he doesn’t think he has what it takes to be a good parent, when all he’s ever had is a shitty father himself, and all he’s ever been, is a shitty older brother that drove his family apart.

· Levi – Levi is insecure about most things that have to do with himself, so it’s not surprising that he gets very insecure about being a good parent which drops his self-esteem to an all time low. He can’t even watch any anime that focuses too much on parent/child relationships because he can’t help but compare himself every time, and he works himself up into a mini panic. It’s difficult to calm Levi’s insecurities but his partner can help him somewhat.

· Hawks – Keigo is very insecure about his abilities to protect his pup. His has this conspiracy theory that the hero commission will try to kidnap his child. They were furious when they found out he was pregnant during the peak of his career and they pushed him heavily towards abortion. Keigo leaked the pregnancy news to the public to force the commission’s hands, but he’s still so paranoid that they’ll stage a 'tragic accident' for his pup to force him back into hero work, or try and kidnap and raise his pup as they raised him. He doesn’t have any proof, per se, but he’s terrified that he can’t protect his pup so he really doesn’t like to leave his alpha’s presence. When he’s close to his due date, he’s too insecure with all his conspiracy theories clouding his mind to even let his alpha shower by themselves.

· V – Jihyun sort of convinces himself that he’s cursed when it comes to looking after people (Rika, Saeyoung, Saeran), so he’s very upset by the prospect that he’ll probably fail at raising his child too. He originally says that he wants to give the pup up for adoption to save them, but eventually you talk him around and start working through his problems. He just doesn’t thing he’ll be a good role model. The longer he waits to have children after the more traumatic events of his life, the less these issues crop up.

Miscellaneous:

· Aizawa – Shouta gets insecure when people pay too much attention to him being pregnant. He doesn’t like people giving up their seats for him on public transport, he doesn’t like his students and colleagues asking invasive questions, he doesn’t like those awful shop attendants that try to shoehorn him into buying baby supplies he doesn’t need. He wishes people would just treat him normally. (and he absolutely starts to activate his quirk every time someone tries to touch his tummy without asking first.) But yeah, all the eyes and attention makes him super uncomfortable and it makes him overanalyse everything he does which does impact his self esteem.

· Light – Light has a very specific insecurities while pregnant which revolve around the fear that he’s lowering himself by carrying a pup. All his life he’s had people tell him that because he’s an omega, he should give up on all his dreams and have pups and stay home instead. It really doesn’t sit well with him that he’s doing what all those awful people told him to do (at least it feels that way to him). He feels ashamed and he hates it. He avoids everything stereotypical while pregnant. He’ll kick you in the face if you try to rub his feet, he does everything in his power to avoid giving in to cravings, and he doesn’t make a nest. It all takes a serious toll on his health but it would take one hell of a stubborn alpha to get him to bend on any of that. It puts a strain on the relationship.

[cinnamonest]

I’ve read most everything on your yandere Genshin chars but just got to Kaeya n the punishments and was pleasantly surprised by the back-door entry punishment and feel now safe to ask...

Are there other chars that would resort to this or maybe even be inclined towards anal? XD weirdly one of my biggest interests tbh besides breeding I don’t knooow whyy.

Oh same anon. It’s up there in my top kinks and I don’t talk bout anal enough it’s such a good kink, so I’m about to change that and give it appreciation, obvious tw for anal here

It's obviously a big thing for sadists of any kind. So basically, aside from Kaeya, Childe and Scara are both likely to get into it to some extent. Childe slightly less so than Kaeya, but both of them will use it as a form of punishment -- Childe is just slightly more prone to spanking than anal because it ignites our boy's weird fetish for violence a bit better. Whereas Kaeya's more of a horny bastard so punishments that have his dick in you in some way or another are the best.

Notably, Childe's more into actually warning you and making you squirm, listening to you beg and whimper and see you all scared, so he draws out the process before actually shoving his dick in. He's just mean about it, but he's big on verbal mockery to begin with -- tells you things like "don't worry, it only hurts a lot :)" or "it's ok, feel free to cry :)". Bastard. Also likes to hold you in positions so you can try to pull yourself off, that way he can just grab you and pull you back on.

Kaeya's more into it in a surprise sort of way, will just kinda get lube or cum all over your holes so you don't specifically know and kinda shove it in to your surprise. It's cute, your eyes go wide open and you squeal and scream and kick your feet and try to pull yourself off. He kinda forces you into positions where you can't move though, you have no choice but to just take it -- mating press, flat on your stomach, bent over and pressed against something so you can't move forward. He doesn’t mock you beforehand since he likes to catch you off guard, but laughs at your initial squealing and struggling and mocks you throughout, as well as after, thinks it’s cute how you can’t stand and how you hiss and whimper every time you sit down or move around.

Scara's similar but unfortunately for darling he'll also just fuck your poor ass at random too just because he feels like it because he likes watching you cry, or maybe is just mad and needs something to take it out on, which almost always ends up being you. He's definitely the roughest and the most likely candidate to pull the "yeah spit is perfectly acceptable lube" bullshit so it hurts the most. Also degrading about it.

Other notable candidates to actually do anal or get into it in some way, perhaps some surprisingly, would be Chongyun, Xiao, Razor, and Zhongli. The first three have a commonality where it's most likely an accident at first, fucking you too hard and accidentally slip out, try to shove their dick back in, and end up watching you squeal and pull back when their cock slips into the wrong hole.

Chongyun's is most likely during a manic episode, and only occurs during those episodes -- he's just fucking so hard and fast it ends up happening more than once. He apologizes afterwards, feels bad about it, but it keeps happening. Honestly it's something he genuinely likes, but his normal self doesn't want to hurt you, but the manic self is basically his "true" self without any inhibitions, so he doesn't hold back. He couldn’t really tell you why he likes it, it’s just hot.

Razor and Xiao are similar, it just is so so so tight and feels so good on their dick and once they've accidentally discovered it you'll wish they hadn't. Razor doesn't get the difference, will just kinda be like "oh, sorry" but keep fucking you. He just knows that it feels nice, but doesn't really have a preference, boy just needs his dick in a tight wet warm hole, and if it's in one or the other he's not gonna bother to take it out, just keeps fucking you. You’ll get used to it. Probably. 

Xiao might do it intentionally, it just feels so nice you know? It wouldn't click in his mind at first to use it for punishment purposes, but eventually seeing you squirm and cry he puts two and two together and it clicks and he realizes it's a good way to punish. But he doesn't draw it out or threaten you, just kinda shoves it in if he's mad. 

The most unfortunate part to both these boys is they don't get the difference so they fuck just as hard and fast and don't quite understand the concept of preparation and lube. They'll find some form of lube because they don't want to tear you (because then they couldn't keep fucking you you know?), but see no need to stretch you out beforehand.

And Zhongli might come as a bit of a surprise, but it's entirely punishment based and he's slower and gentle about it, but I mean, his dick is huge so no matter how prepared you are it's still gonna hurt like a bitch and be a very effective form of punishment. He has a unique form of how to handle offenses -- most come up with whatever they feel like on the spot, but he lays out early on a system of sorts, a mental chart of how different offenses are punished, scales of severity, basically "this offense is punished this way each time", very specific, right down to the number of spanks and the like. So you can't get out of it, because, well, you knew exactly what would happen, but you chose to do what you did anyway, so you should have been prepared for the consequences. Also, he gets really into plugs, especially ones with tails attached, probably has you wear one most of the time.

And finally Albedo gets super into it tbh and is the most likely candidate for lots of things. He's our gross boi. He's quiet about it, like the majority of his gross and sadistic tendencies, and this often, similar to Kaeya, results in you being very caught off guard and by surprise. Will literally just switch holes mid-fucking. If he *does* warn you, he's big fan of making you suck his dick and fingers to use it as lube beforehand. He does, thankfully, get a lot of it though, spits on your hole, likely uses actual lube a lot of the time, he likes the squelching and fluids. On the downside, since he's into all things gross or weird or less common, he gets into testing your poor ass's limits, seeing what the biggest size plug you can handle is, stretching you out, see how long you can hold things in. Also most likely candidate to get into weird things and shoving various objects in you - slimes, toys, inanimate objects etc. Also most likely candidate for painful things like figging or finding a way to make lube super cold, hot, tingly etc. And, finally, most likely candidate to completely cut you off from PIV for an extended period of time - instead of a one-time punishment, darling is looking at several days, even weeks of only anal. It's cute how you try to run away and all. And will definitely try to figure out a way to make you cum from it, too.

[raggaraddy]

Discipline- Maknae Line

How and why would Yandere Bangtan punish you?

Trigger warning: Mentions of abuse, mentions of violence, mentions of sexual interactions, yandere themes, Dom/sub-themes.

Playboy!Jimin

Unlike the other members, Jimin doesn't have a feeling of superiority over you. He doesn't see you as something helpless and vulnerable, or someone to control. He sees you as his other half. The problem is, is that he is extremely possessive and insecure, and that makes him unstable. He has put so much faith and trust into an ideal version of you, one that he created in his head, one that could feel exactly what he wanted and what he needed at all times. So whenever you don't live up to that expectation, when you fall short of predicting what he wants, he snaps.

Don't get me wrong, he isn't going to have a meltdown at every little thing, but enough of those little things build up into a clusterfuck of disappointment.

Look at last Tuesday for example.

- In the morning he wanted to hold your hand and cuddle in bed, but you got up and went to have breakfast instead.

- Next, when you were showering, he was hoping you would call him in to be with you. He wanted to be able to spend that little bit of extra time being close to you. But you didn't ask him.

- So while you showered he picked out the perfect outfit for your girl's-day-out lunch. But you refused to wear it, opting for something completely different. You didn't even thank him for the effort.

- Then the final straw came as you declined to take his credit card with you. If you were going out without him, he still wanted to be the one to spoil you. You might have thought you were being polite by not accepting his money, but he saw it as rejecting him.

So one temper tantrum later, a whole lot of smashed glass and a black eye you'd be too embarrassed to explain, you decided it was best to call and cancel with your friends. And besides, after Jimin gets mad, he apologizes a lot and becomes very sweet and gentle, so at least you had a day of pampering to look forward to.

Still, he'll leave you thinking back through the day trying so hard to figure out what it was that you did to upset him. He isn't going to tell you of course. That wouldn't make the connection real. You're supposed to just know what you did wrong!

Dom!Taehyung

There are two different situations in play for Taehyung. As a Dom, he knows and accepts that there are times when he will need to correct you. You crave discipline and submission and he is more than happy to accept the responsibility and give it to you.

Usually, you're his well behaved little girl, but sometimes even you mess up.

As every sub knows, sometimes you go from being playful and provocative to being a bratty smartass without even realizing it. Although, some times you might do it on purpose. And whether it was an accident or not, you know very well that brats get spanked or flogged until they're put back in their place and can't sit down.

And for those special times when you deliberately misbehave or when you genuinely upset him, he has a particular punishment reserved for you. Go ahead, tell him no. Roll your eyes at him. Order him around. He'll make time in his schedule to remind you how you should behave. And he is going to love hearing you beg when he takes you to the brink of ecstasy over and over only to deny you. Or worse, he'll make you cum over and over. And again, and again, and again, until your crying for mercy from being overstimulated.

But all of these are honestly things you enjoy. Even the worst of it, you love. You like being manhandled and controlled and being made to cry from pleasure and pain. It's part of the fun.

The problem comes with how and why Taehyung really punishes you. Any D/s relationship is supposed to come with free communication and clear boundaries. However, both of those are repellent to Tae. He wants a perfectly obedient toy, not someone with thoughts and opinions. So when you try to bring up any limits, when you ask him to slow down or god forbid, when you use your safe word, something cruel comes out of him. You never would think so few words about how you're disappointing him, or how he expected more from you, could feel so terrible. Especially when he backs those cold remarks up by removing his time and affection from you for a few days.

Don't worry though, things will go right back to normal once you come to him apologizing and crying for him to not discard you.

And he knows you will.

Mafia!Junkook

In the privacy of your own home, there isn't much that will make Jungkook mad. He's loving and caring, pretty easy going and so much fun to be with. But you will see all of that changes the second any outside attention is on him. Among his men and the public, he is a totally different person. There's a tightness to his jaw, a harshness to his stare. He's so controlled and intimidating, and he accepts nothing less than perfect compliance and respect from everyone.

So for when other people are around or on those good days when he lets you outside, there's a couple of things you'll need to quickly learn.

1. You belong to him. Jungkook doesn't let anyone take or even touch what's his and that applies to you also. You want to talk to someone else, you better ask permission first. And if by some horrible mistake someone starts to become too friendly with you, you better run back to Jungkook to let him deal with it.

2. You never question him. Not with a look, not with words. He tells you to do something, you say yes and move quick. Hell, if he tells you the sky is made of pancake batter, you thank him for letting you know and make sure to never ever say anything to the contrary.

3. You don't dare challenge him or risk embarrassing him. Like I said, you're his. And what kind of criminal organization could he run if he let even his own property stand up to him. While he would never give you the chance to make him look weak, if you did somehow happen to do so, he would need to make a very large and very public example out of you to smother any question to his leadership that you may have caused.

Break any of these guides and you should expect a swift reaction. Whether it be by physical means or by forcing you into a debased position, he will make sure he displays his authority.

In a sick way, he's kind of thankful when you do act out because it gives him the opportunity to provide a great lesson to his friends and enemies. He loves you but should you cross him, he'd be willing to beat you unconscious. So imagine what he'd do to them.

[mysticalrambling]

Love Eventually Wins (A.B) Part 2

(Part 1)

Andy Barber Fanfiction (Fanfiction Master List)

Warnings: Angst but eventual fluff.

Summary: dad! Andy Barber x female reader. You juggle in the hospital between your dad and your son. You haven't forgiven Andy for what he said to you but you guys talk it out in the end and it's all eventual fluff.

._._._._.

“Dad, you are going to be fine. We are all going to wait for you after the surgery.” Gently kissing your father on your head, you held back your tears because you didn’t want him to back down from his decision. You just prayed to God that this operation would be successful because you had already lost your mother to a car accident when you were four, so it was just you, Julie and your dad. You could not afford to lose another family member and you wanted Gabriel to know his grandfather when he grows up.

“Okay, sweetie. Will see you after.” He looked so pale and sickly just lying on that uncomfortable hospital bed. Silently kissing him on the forehead, the nurses took him away to the operation theatre.

When you got out of the room, your little sister immediately took you in a bone crushing hug and started sobbing uncontrollably. “It’s all going to be okay, Julie.” You tried to console her but there wasn’t much you could say to convince her when you yourself were worried.

After about half an hour, you finally got her to quiet down and then went to check up on your son in the pediatric ward. The receptionist pointed you towards a NICU ward that kept babies from the age of six months to two years and you didn’t know why he was admitted in to the hospital so you internally freaked out on the way there.

“Hi. The doctor said that Gabriel had some kind of stomach infection so they will have him on IV drips and antibiotics for two days.” Andy explained it to you as soon as you entered the room and went to your son’s crib. He was in the crib in a small hospital gown and God, you hated this sight. Touching his forehead, you realised that his temperature was higher than when it was at home.

“His fever is way too high right now.” Looking at your husband, you felt so helpless because your father and your son were sick and you didn’t know what to do.

“The doc said that it will return back to normal in no time.” Andy was observing you from the moment you entered the hospital room. Puffy eyes, rosy cheeks and a tear stained face was a completely new look for you. He wanted to be there for you but he knew that you had still not forgiven him. It was not easy to forget the things that he said, even if he didn’t mean it.

“Oh okay. I am just going to sit here with him.”

“I will bring you some coffee because you haven’t eaten since morning.”

“Non-”

“Non filtered, without sugar. I know.” He lightly kissed you on the forehead but was slightly hurt when you didn’t give him a smile like you always did. He could feel a wall separating the two of you and the only thing that he wants is to tear that wall down. Why could he not keep his mouth shut and let you talk? Everything would have been alright then.

“Hey, baby. I need you to be fine really fast, okay. Mommy needs you to get through all of this and I love you so much.” Gripping on to his little hand, you gently rest your head against the crib. The nurse came after sometime and you asked her is she could stay with Gabriel for sometime. Everything was too much for you and you just needed to vent it all out in private.

“Hi. Where is my wife?”

“She said she needed some fresh air.”

“Okay, I am just leaving the coffee here. You are going to stay with him, right?”

You were just looking at the stars and remembering the time when you spent countless college nights with Andy on the rooftop, just staring at the stars. It quickly became your thing and now you were sitting here all alone. A few tears escaped you when you remembered all the things that your husband said. It was still too much to comprehend.

“Please, don’t cry. I am truly sorry for all the things that I said.” Sitting next to you on the bench, he didn’t have the power to look you in the eyes. He was too embarrassed. It was his job to let no harm come to you but now he was the one who is causing the harm. He just wanted someone to beat the crap out of him and punish him for making you feel unworthy.

“I know you said that you didn’t mean a word of it but I know that’s not true. I know you better than you know yourself.” You looked at him from under your eyelashes and saw a look of realisation cross his face. Andy thought that he could just hide it from you because of all the things that you have been going through. He sometimes did forget that if he could easily read you then you could do the same.

“So the district attorney has been telling me that I am not doing my job properly because I am a family man now. I am too distracted on my job and the last case, the witness didn’t show up and Jacqueline just laid it out on me. She even gave my next big case to Carter and I just lost it on you. I am so sorry.”

Tears welled up in his eyes when he realised how innocent you were in this whole situation and he had no right to make you feel so bad about yourself. He didn’t dare move his face away from the stars and you knew the guilt was eating him up inside.

“Hey, look at me.” Gently placing your hands on his bearded face, you made him look at you. “I was being genuine when I said that you can take a break from us. I won’t mind.”

“No, I don’t. It was all said out in anger and you don’t know how sorry I am. Please don’t think like that because you are my whole world.” His heart was tearing up in pieces and you were the only one who could fix it.

“Okay but what about Jacqueline then?”

“I will take care of her. She can not just assume that I would be the same Andy after having my own family to look out for. You don’t worry about anything.”

“Okay.” Kissing him under the stars was your favorite pass time and you wouldn’t change it for the world. “Let’s go check up on our baby right now.”

“No, you go to your sister because your dad is going to be out of surgery in sometime and you should be with her. I will check on Gabriel and then come to you.”

“Let’s check on Gabe together because I won’t stop worrying until then. God, I just want this day to end already.” Hand in hand, you got up from the bench and went to meet your son.

Gabriel was slightly waking up by the time you entered his room and you immediately went to pick him up. Keeping in mind to not touch his iv drip, you cradled him to your chest. Your heart ached for your baby boy because he was always the one to cause trouble and never sit still in one place. “Mommy, hurts.” A whimper escaped him and he clutched on to your shirt with his tiny fists.

“It’s going to be okay.” He looked so small in your arms and you were barely holding yourself together because you didn’t want your son to cry after seeing you.

“Give him to me.” Andy carefully took him from you and tried rocking him back to sleep. By now, he was full on crying and trying to take his bandage off. Your husband took Gabriel’s hand in his hold but the kid did not quiet down for one second. You tried to give him his lion pacifier and he just turned his head the other way round. The doctor came in when he heard the commotion and quickly inserted some sedatives in to his IV drips.

He told you both that Gabriel would be alright in a few days and he will stay with him so that you both can go check up on your father. Gabriel was going to sleep for some hours so it was okay for you guys to stay with your dad until then.

“The doctor said that the surgery went well and we can see him after they transfer him to ICU.” Your sister filled you in as soon as she saw you both walking down the corridor. Ecstatic, you hugged Andy tightly and believed for the first time in all night that everything is going to be okay.

“I love you.” You whispered affectionately in to his ears.

“I love you too.” Kissing you softly, he tried to express his love with his actions.

Hope you guys enjoyed it!!

._._._._.

A/N: Here's part 2. I loved watching Defending Jacob so I came up with this plot. Andy Barber has my whole heart and I hope you guys liked it. Tell me what you think and message me if you want to be added to the tag list.

Like, comment and reblog.

Tag list: @kalopsia-flaneur, @fantasywriter104, @justile

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[leejeongz]

first time with treasure (legal line)

🔅this is my first time writing anything like this as u said so pls bare with me haha. thanks for requesting tho!🔅

FEMALE READER

hyunsuk:

⏾ probably started with a lil bit of mutual masturbation. his eyes would flicker while trying to focus on all of you until he couldn’t take it any more and he’d just ask you to suck his dick

⏾ it’s important to him that you’re comfortable so he uses pillows to support you and asks a few times if your comfortable physically. he would just stick to missionary for your first time because he doesn’t wanna “man handle” you but he might flip you over if he gets carried away.

⏾ if you’re naturally not very loud during sex, he would make up for it (a man who is NOT afraid to moan) and hopefully encourage you to be louder since it turns him on. likes hearing your breathing change too, especially when you orgasm

⏾ wants to cum on your face and finds out he really likes to see you covered in his cum so it becomes a regular thing.

“fuckk come here y/n, let’s help each other, yeah?”

jihoon:

⏾ he wishes he could be gentle for your first time together. he hopes you don’t think of him any differently after the experience, he wants you to still know that he’s your boyfriend after all and he’s not just using you even if it might seem like it

⏾ but he gets carried away even just kissing you. he doesn’t lose sight of you though, and he continues referring to you as his. in the time you’ve spent together, he thinks he’s gathered enough insight to know what you’ll like and not like in the bedroom despite never having sex before

⏾ nothing too kinky (no bdsm rn) but a whole lot of denial, not even just sexual (touch, sight etc)

⏾ it was all really sudden, but you both consented and you wouldn’t have had it either way. there was also no awkwardness after, he’d praise you for doing certain things well and he’d ask you if you enjoyed it. praise him bc that’s what he wants duh.

“i’m not touching you until you’ve taken all this in your mouth”

yoshi:

⏾ he doesn’t want to rush anything with you so he takes his time throughout the whole experience, even though he did kinda plan the evening

⏾ makes everything romantic, cooks you a meal, takes you to the bedroom which has your favourite candle burning, keeps telling you how amazing you look and how lucky he is to have you. he wants you to feel safe and comfortable.

⏾ lots of little kisses everywhere, especially your legs and stomach. he also likes to keep his hands somewhere on you while fucking, whether that be your thighs, your hips or that booty hehe

⏾ keeps it pretty vanilla but he’s in charge. it’s all in his eyes, even if you can’t see him, you can feel them piercing into your body. you’re all his.

⏾ keeps asking if you’re okay but not so many times that it ruins the mood. he genuinely wants to make sure that you’re okay and that you aren’t regretting it.

“you look so pretty, you do that so well”

junkyu:

⏾ kinda shocked when you say you’re ready/you initiate it because he hadn’t even hinted at it. if anything he feels a little guilty and wonders if he pressured you into it without even realising it but you reassured him that he didn’t.

⏾ wastes no time after you tell him. all the kisses you receive from that moment on are intense and hungry.

⏾ eats you out for a good 10 minutes which is something he’d never normally do but because it’s you, he feels like he wants to pleasure you first. as soon as he’s finished his boxers come off and it’s all on u bby, you better make him feel better than he’s ever felt before or else you’ll be punished. he doesn’t know where to put his hands, in your hair or in his, so he just settles for both even if it’s a little awkward

⏾ 11/10 pull out game for your first time, covers your stomach in cum and looks proud. sort of seals the deal, you’re his now and that’s final.

⏾ praises you a lot after sex and makes jokes of any awkward things that happened like when you accidently made a weird noise or something.

“oh, look at you, all covered in my cum. can i take a photo as a reminder of how amazing this was, princess?”

mashiho:

⏾ is the softest boy during your first time. you pair were just cuddling, soon leading to more. although unexpected, he was still prepared with a condom.

⏾ very much focused on your pleasure, almost so much that he forgets about himself at the time.

⏾ he’s smiling the whole time. he’s genuinely enjoying himself while pleasuring you and he can tell that you are too with the amount of noise you’re making. he feels proud to hear you making so much noise, he really appreciates the affirmation

⏾ stays in missionary for most of the time, being able to pepper your face with gentle kisses and show you how much he’s enjoying himself since you can see each other. he turns you over when he can feel he’s gonna cum and fucks in doggy until he pulls your and finishes all over your back.

“you’re so cute! this doesn’t hurt right? should i go faster?”

jaehyuk:

⏾ starts off as just innocent kissing that gets deeper and deeper. soon gets the hint and starts working his way kissing down your body

⏾ he lets you spend as little or as long as you want on foreplay, you’re doing most of it anyway. will acc make an effort to pleasure you with those longer fingers of his though, to the point where you have to grab his wrist and make him slow down a little

⏾ likes holding your boobs while he fucks you, might even bring them to him mouth once or twice if he can

⏾ he doesn’t really know whether you’re into anything that he’s into just yet, so he keeps it pretty vanilla, but isn’t afraid to wrap his hand around your neck or bite your ears

⏾ doesn't last very long because he’s been waiting for this for so long and imaging it. he definitely announces before he cums (announces before he does anything really) and buries his face in your neck

⏾ the aftercare king. makes sure you go to the toilet, leaves u to shower in peace, be prepared for cuddles and lots of them, puts on a movie for you pair.

“i’m gonna put it in now, let me know if it hurts.”

asahi:

⏾ since you’d done stuff before (not gone all the way tho) you knew what turned him on. all it took was you bending over and he was solid. only this time things got wayyy more intimate and neither of you were complaining

⏾ he doesn’t really see a purpose for “roles” in the bedroom when he doesn’t know what he is himself, especially not for the first time. just whatever feels natural.

⏾ you find the most comfortable position on this occasion to be you riding him, which he’s overjoyed about. your facing away from him and hand is on your back, steadily pushing you further forward without realising, his other hand is in his hair which is already covered in sweat

⏾ tells you to face him at some point. he wants to see how much pleasure he’s giving you right now, not just hear it.

⏾ when he gets close, his eyes are closed and his head is imbedded in the pillow behind him. you were already back to sucking his dick at this point, but you decided to glance up at him, you were glad you did too because the sight did not disappoint as he finished messily all over your face.

“you really know how to get me going, baby”

gifs aren’t mine

[animeyanderelover]

This must be the first time that I managed to finish an Anime in only five days. My favs are Misa, L and Near.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, delusions, manipulation, stalking, sabotage, Yandere being mean, clinginess, gaslighting, blackmailing, kidnapping, death

Yandere Death Note Hc’s

Light Yagami

✍️I have so much to say! The first and most outshining trait should be very obvious. Manipulative to the point where he’ll break you if he has too. He’s very charming so it won’t be hard for him to quickly get close to you and your parents. A good relationship with you starts with a good relationship with your parents. He’ll have everything perfectly planned to make sure that his darling falls for him. Also a very controlling one. He will control a lot of things in your life, probably not all, unless you force him too. It will feel like you have some power in this relationship, but you don’t. He can also be a really cruel one. It might happen often that he is one day all over you and the next he is completely ignoring you just to have you begging for his attention. He loves it when you rely on him and submit to him. He has one of the most unhealthy obsessions with his darling and with his intelligence and charm it won’t be hard for him to get his s/o telling him everything he wants to know.

✍️Also a very possessive one. No one can have his darling since they are going to be his god/goddess which will rule on his side over the world. His delusions are a whole chapter for itself, but his delusions will decide how good he’ll treat the s/o. He believes he’s a god and he expects them to treat him like one. Better worship him or else he’ll get mad. But the more I thought about it, the more I can see him as someone who’s delusions will from time to time take a complete 180 degree flip and in this moments he’ll be an absolute worshipper for his darling, being blinded from their perfection. Enjoy these moments when you have them.

✍️Light is surprisingly okay with the s/o meeting their family and friends, but only when they don’t start spending more time with them than with him. But these are the only exceptions because if it’s anyone else who isn’t a family member of yours, his or one of your friends then he’ll get jealous quickly. But he’s so good to overplay it and with his charm it honestly won’t be hard for him to quickly get his darling away from them.

✍️Normally he only kills criminals or people who are a threat to Kira, but isn’t trying to take his darling away from him a crime too? If not, the worst crime? You should be careful with how affectionate you are with someone if you don’t want them to die on a heart attack, accident, suicide or whatever Light can think off. Everyone who dares to make a move on his darling or even looks at them in the wrong way will drop like a dead fly.

✍️He can fool everyone with his act and charm and I think he might be able to make it look like a ‘normal’ relationship where he’ll pull the strings behind every action you make and will make you spend every free minute with him, having wrapped you up so much in lies that you want to spend ‘willingly’ every minute with him. If his darling should ever start try to break up with him or suspecting he’s Kira and isn’t a supporter of him then things will get really swiftly really bad and he’ll threaten his darling to kill their family and friends, forcing them to spend time with him if they don’t want to feel responsible for someone’s death.

✍️As long as you love him and don’t suspect him of being Kira, only if you don’t support him that is, then Light can be the perfect boyfriend for you, charming, handsome, intelligent. But if you’ll ever try to leave him or are against Kira and find somehow out that he’s Kira then he’ll peel his ‘perfect boyfriend’ image off and will show you his real face. He’ll threaten everyone you love to keep you by his side. Stay better in your line or else he’ll punish you and/or kill someone you’re close to so you can learn your lesson. Your opinion is important to him, after all you’ll rule the world with him, but he also wants you to accept his opinion.

L Lawliet

🍰I was beyond mad when he died. L is a stalker and an obsessive one. He has cameras and wires placed everywhere in his darling’s house, observing their every word and movement. He has some connections and will use them to get every file about them. It won’t take long for him to know everything there is to know there about the s/o. Family, friends, favorites, fears, hobbies. Everything! And the more he finds out the more he gets obsessed. Just in case he might create some dirty secrets about his darling’s family if they should try to leave. He’s also really manipulative. He knows his darling’s thoughts from the way they’re acting and moving and can estimate what they’ll do next and will take advantage of it if it’s necessary.

🍰He’s smart enough to know that his feelings aren’t normal, but for some reason he can’t stop. There are times where he can’t concentrate when his darling isn’t near him and where he’ll feel highly frustrated without them. He’s a desperate and touchy one. He might not look like it, but he just really wants his darling’s love and since he’s most of the time just alone in a room filled with computers and TV’s, isolating himself most of the time he’s beyond touchstarved and there will always be some physical contact. If his darling rejects that he might just handcuff them to him. At least like this they can’t try to get away from him when he wants another hug. He’s also overprotective. He deals with a lot of dangerous cases and knows that if someone finds out how special his darling to him is they will be targeted so he’ll ensure their safety.

🍰He watches his darling all the time and knows their schedules and who they meet during the day. He’s just so good in analyzing people and knows exactly from what he sees if someone likes his darling or the other way around. He won’t mind if they spend time with other people, but that’s only when the s/o doesn’t get to friendly with them or they don’t get too friendly with them. If that’s case then he’ll start feeling sour.

🍰If someone gets too close to his darling or if he notices that someone in his darling’s surroundings plans to harm them he’ll quickly dig some dirty secret about them up or will simply create one and will make sure that everyone will hear about it. He won’t kill, he’ll rely more on manipulations to simply dirty that person’s name.

🍰He will try to make you come willingly to him. He’ll create scenarios where you’ll get in a tricky situation and have no choice, but to rely on him and of course he’ll be there for you. If that doesn’t work then he’ll resort to blackmailing and will tell you about something that happened in your parent’s or friend’s past you don’t want people to find out or he’ll use the false rumors created and will spread them. Then you’ll have no choice, but to ask the famous L for help. If all this doesn’t work then he’ll be willing to kidnap his darling. But then he has everything planned perfectly. An excuse to why you suddenly disappeared and an excuse to why you most likely won’t be seen for a while.

🍰He knows everything about you and that’s just terrifying. There will be times where you’ll wake up at night just to find him staring at you intensely. Escaping won’t be from any use because L has the plan already figured out before the thought has even started to form in your mind. Trying to ask Watari won’t be useful either since he’s loyal to L. He has every possible reaction from you already planned out and a way to handle it. Get used to sweets because he’ll feed you a lot of them. Get used to him being a huge cuddle bear around you. He’s very blunt with you and his emotions for you. If you want to get out of this room filled with sweets, monitors and files then proof to him that you don’t leave him. He knows if you lie or not, but if he’s convinced that you are genuine then he might let you out, but not without a tracker and some wires on you. Just for safety.

Misa Amane

💄Misa is the obsessive and possessive type of Yandere. She will be very obvious with her obsession for her darling and is for sure someone who will take their things, letting them know that she’ll borrow their sweater for a while, but she’ll never give it back to them. Won’t allow anyone to take her sweet little darling away from her. No one should dare. She’ll kill anyone who tries to.

💄Also lovestruck, desperate, delusional and clingy. She believes in love at first sight as well as that you’ll love her just as much as she does. This girl here is all over you and will be highly affectionate with you, especially in public since she never got the chance to do that with Light. She’s honestly such a sweetheart for her darling and will do anything to make them love her even more. She’s so needy for her darling’s love and affection and she can’t endure her day without this.

💄Misa gets jealous as soon as her darling starts talking about someone else in a bit too affectionate and adoring way, at least in her opinion, and she’ll instantly become more clingy to her darling.

💄Don’t waste your time with other people or she’ll get rid of them. She won’t go as far as killing her darling’s family, but it’s a constant fight between her and her s/o’s family. But her darling might be able to convince her to not kill people who made her jealous. But in order to do that they need to show her that they only love her and no one else. If they succeed in doing that then Misa will be walking on clouds and will forget about the person.

💄Kidnapping isn’t needed. She’s popular and everyone knows that the both of you are together so the question here is if you are stupid enough to break up with her and deal with the rage of her fans. The darling also needs to prevent Misa from killing everyone who even dares to look at them so they won’t be able to leave her side. She also wants to go out with her darling to do couple moments so that everyone can see that the both of you are together.

💄Misa wants just to be loved by you and will do anything to make you satisfied with her. She has money and fame to get you everything you could possibly want. She’ll shower you in affection and is a total angel for you. She’s so cheesy with her love confessions and will do everything with you that she couldn’t do with Light. Pyjama parties, wearing couple outfits, feeding each other. She’ll do everything. Luckily you are able to talk her out of killing if you just start being affectionate to her. She just wants love.

Mello

🍫Mello is the overprotective Yandere. He is part of the mafia and that is already enough to increase his protectiveness over his darling. He’s also the harsh and gentle one at the same time. He is really impulsive from time to time and can say the one or another mean word to the s/o, but he can also be very gentle if he wants to.

🍫He’s also the possessive, desperate and touchstarved Yandere. He’s always constantly battling with Near about who’s the better one and constantly lands in second place so now that he has his darling he’ll make sure that he gets to have them for himself. But that also leads him to be surprisingly needy for his darling’s praises and love since he hates to admit it, but he often feels secretly insecure about many things so to know that his darling loves him would help him to feel more confident.

🍫Mello gets so quickly jealous, it’s ridiculous and will most likely cause a scene, yelling at anyone who even just briefly glances in his darling’s direction. Better pull him quickly away because if the person dares to speak back he’ll get violent. If you don’t want him to punch every single person better stay away from other human beings except him.

🍫He gets jealous fastly and is ready to go very violent. Different from Near and L he’s much more willing to kill and if someone even dares to flirt with you that person will have to deal with a broken nose and the loss of a few teeth. It will end in a carnage if someone dares to hurt his darling.

🍫He’s overprotective and possessive, both traits which are bound to lead him to kidnapping his darling quickly. He does feel guilty to take them away from everyone they’ve ever loved, but he’ll try to convince himself that he just does it to protect them. Good luck trying to escape him and the mafia.

🍫Mello will never admit how much he yearns for your praises and touches, he does have some pride and it’s interesting how he often pretends to not care, but his hugs and kisses are always so passionate. His words and actions don’t always match, but please remember that you’re his everything. If he gets in his softer mood he’ll spoil you with presents he knows you’ll love.

Near

🎲Near is very similar to L. He’s the obsessive and stalker kind of Yandere. Just like L he has cameras and wires in every corner of his darling’s house to watch them, taking notice of everything they do. He has some connections to get every information that has ever existed about them, but even after knowing them better than they probably do therself his curiosity is still not satisfied, that’s how deeply he’s obsessed. Also the type to steal things that belong to the s/o. Pictures, toys, letters. He has a whole drawer only for this purpose. He treasures all these things very much so no one is allowed to touch them. Just like L the aware type who knows that this is actually wrong.

🎲Desperate and touchstarved for his darling. He has troubles admitting when he wants his darling to touch him and would try to be subtle with it at first by looking intensely at them. If they don’t get the hint he’ll just tell them very bluntly what he wants from them. He wants the s/o’s attention on only him and will feel sour if he doesn’t get it. He’s like a child, needy for your love and attention. I can also see him as a possessive and lovestruck one. He might be really smart, but when it comes to the human being and emotions he’s clueless, he has never experienced love before, but he knows for sure that he likes the feeling that the s/o stirs up in his chest. Absolutely infatuated with his darling to the point where he at one point thinks he needs them.

🎲Near is like a child and as mentioned feels sour when the s/o gives their attention to someone else, but he has problems with expressing his feelings so his s/o will never notice, but the other person will notice how his gaze feels like it’s going to burn holes into them.

🎲He relies more on the influence and connections he has. This guy who always flirts with them in class? Suddenly they are accused of drug dealing. The person who you seem to like a bit too much? Suddenly heavy evidence appears that they have been meeting up with a few not very trustable guys.

🎲It is bound to happen sooner or later and it will happen without a warning or signs that something is wrong. Near tries at first to get a spot in his darling’s heart by using all the knowledge he has to become a friend of them and they won’t suspect anything. It’s scary how carefully he has planned all this. He’ll most likely drug his darling and makes sure to leave no clue. It will be like they’ve just vanished into thin air and it’s very unlikely that they’ll ever be found again. He has most likely some house build up just for the reason so the s/o can live there from now on.

🎲Near is honestly similar to a child. He wants to be taken care of and wants to be loved. But he also understands that after kidnapping you, you need some time and he’s willing to wait for you. He really likes touching you, tracing his finger over your skin or touching your hair. He’s completely enraptured with you. If you act up too much he’ll lock you up in an empty and dark room until you’ve learned your lesson. You will love him. It’s only a question of time.

[acreativeme]

Mixed Signals

Mixed Signals 

Jess LaCroix x Reader

He didn’t know what it was about her, but Jess LaCroix knew that he couldn’t trust Y/N Y/L/N. She was assigned to his team after Clinton went out on his mission. She has been trying to bond with all of the members of the team, which set off alarm bells in his head. He knew it was unprofessional, but he refused to acknowledge any personal question she asked him. He kept his responses short and dull to any of her work related questions. 

His behavior surprised the rest of the team, but they didn’t shock Y/N at all. She knew her presence was going to throw him off, because they had gone through the academy together. They had different specialties and she had disappeared right after their graduation. She had been assigned to be an internal affairs unit as a secret agent. They used her to infiltrate any unit in any department that was doing questionable things and not behaving normally. 

Her recent assignment was to investigate Jess LaCroix due to complaints from a suspect who stated that Jess LaCroix had stolen money from him. Y/N didn’t believe anything that the suspect had said, as it didn’t line up with what she knew about him.

Y/N pushed open the makeshift office door, trying to balance all of the coffee that she bought. “Good Morning, all! I come bearing caffeine!” She grinned as her exhausted teammates groaned in happiness.

“You are a dream!” Kenny cheered, playfully kissing her cheek as he grabbed his cup.

Y/N swatted him. “It is just coffee, Kenny.”

He made a kissy face at her, which made everyone but Jess laugh. “Step back, Kenny. I am gonna put a ring on it first.” Hana stated, taking a long sip of her coffee.

Y/N rolled her eyes, taking the last cup from the carrier. “Here, Jess. It’s tea. I know that you aren’t a huge fan of coffee.” She held the cup out to him, hoping that he would take it.

“Thanks..” He mumbled, taking it from her hand.

She smiled softly, moving back to her spot. After everyone settled in, Jess began to present their new case. A cop killer is on the loose in West Virginia. 

It took them three days to locate their suspect. He was holding up at an abandoned warehouse in the middle of the West Virginia Wilderness, which gave him an advantage over most of the team. To everyone’s surprise, Y/N knew this area really well as her father had taken her exploring a lot when she was growing up. She had slipped away from the team, trying to get a jump on the suspect while the rest of the team distracted him. She had also slipped away as Jess had been glaring at her since they entered the woods, and she couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t take the disdain that he was showing her anymore. 

As she moved around the building, Y/N shot her handler a message stating that she was done with her mission and that she had found no evidence to the accusations that the suspect had made. She also mentioned that she would like to talk about transferring to Interpol, who had been after her for years. 

Slipping through an open window at the back of the building, Y/N took several calming breaths. No matter how many times she has done this, Y/N always gets nervous during a take down. Y/N moved quickly through the warehouse, going over the blueprints in her head. She could hear the rest of the team confront the suspect, who was screaming about how they, meaning cops, had killed his wife and child-- which made Y/N tense up. She looked around the corner and saw him pointing a gun at Jess, who had his hands raised.

Jess stared directly at the suspect as he spoke. “Your wife was hit by a suspect fleeing the police. He is the one responsible for their death, not the police.”

The suspect growled at Jess, beginning to wave his gun around. “If the police had stopped him, the accident wouldn’t have happened! They couldn’t do their job, so they needed to be punished! I had to punish them for their mistake!”

Jess took a breath, “Would your wife have wanted you to do this, end all of these lives?” He asks, sympathy in his eyes.

The suspect was now crying. “I don’t know, because she isn’t here!” He screamed, taking aim to shoot Jess.

With a quick breath, Y/N took aim and shot the suspect in the shoulder-- which caused him to drop the gun. Kenny charged in to kick the gun away and put handcuffs on him. Y/N took a moment to survey the team before slipping away, not having the heart to say goodbye.

Jess’ POV

It had been a week, an awfully long week without Y/N. He had gotten a notice after the cop killer case that she had put in a request for a transfer, which threw him and the team off. She had seemed happy to be a part of the team. The director refused to tell him where she was transferring to, which bothered him for some unknown reason. The situation had bothered him, and he didn’t know why. 

“It bothers you, Jess, because you have feelings for her.” Sheryll Barnes stated, taking the seat next to him.

He frowned, “What are you talking about Sheryll?” 

She smiled sadly at him. “Y/N’s transfer bothers you so much, because you have feelings for her. You tried to act like her being here bothered you, but it was actually the feelings that she was stirring up that rubbed you the wrong way.”

He looked away from her, trying to hide the redness creeping up his neck. “I have no clue what you are talking about, Sheryll. I don’t have feelings for Y/N.”

She grinned at his denial. “Then I guess, you wouldn’t want to know where she is going.” Sheryll made to walk away, but Jess stopped her.

“Wait! Where is she going?” He asked.

She leaned down and whispered in his ear, “The airport.”

Y/N’s POV..

Y/N sighed as she picked up her to-go cup from the coffee counter, giving the barista a silent thank you. She hummed as she strolled towards her termal, music playing softly from her earbuds. Y/N had decided last night that she was going to arrive early to the airport, so that she wasn’t sitting around her empty apartment.

But that meant that she was sitting around an empty airport, waiting for her flight and reading gossip magazines. Y/N collapsed into an empty seat next to a window, watching as the airport staff stationed outside worked. She grinned as two men seemed to be talking about something hilarious, because they were throwing their heads back in laughter. It had been so long since she had seen people be genuinely happy to be doing their job.

A part of her hopes that she will find joy in her new position, but the other part knows that she won’t be happy without Jess. She noticed that positive feelings have been bubbling up in her stomach, despite his coldness towards her. At first, she thought it was because she had to work for his attention.but then it became more. She liked the push back he gave her. She hadn’t experienced that fire in a long time, mostly because men were scared to challenge her. 

“...6AM Flight to London now boarding..” A female voice called over the loudspeaker, jolting Y/N from her thoughts.

Sighing, Y/N collected her bag from the floor and stood up. Goodbye America, Hello England. She thought as she stepped in line behind a man in a business suit. She looked him up and down, noticing the tan line on his ring finger and the Europe countryside magazine. He is either going to have an affair or he just went through a divorce or separation. She watched as his eyes scanned the flight attendant that was checking tickets. 

This is why he is divorced, a wandering eye. She thought, holding out her passport and ticket. “Work or pleasure?” The attendant asked, grabbing the stamp from the counter.

Y/N sighed, hating small talk. “Work. It is always about work…” She tried to joke, which made the attendant look at her with pity. 

“You should have some fun while in London, it is a beautiful place.” She suggested. 

Y/N hummed, “I will keep that in mind.” 

The attendant handed her back her passport, waving her onto the plane. Y/N smiled gratefully at her, slipping the returned passport into her bag. She was stepping onto the little hallway that led to the plane, when she heard her name being called. 

“Y/N!” She turned around, confused on who’d be calling her name. Her eyes widened in shock as Jess LaCroix raced towards her, face red from yelling as he ran.

“Jess?” She asked, moving out of the way of another passenger, with furrowed brows. 

He came to a stop in front of her, panting and out of breath. “I.. am so glad... that I caught you. I thought I was going to be too late..”

Y/N adjusted her bag, still confused. “What are you doing here, Jess?”

“I don’t want you to leave, Y/N.” He blurted, not wanting to hold back anymore. 

She rolled her eyes. “I thought you’d be excited for me to leave, seeing as you have been trying to get me to go since the moment I was assigned to the team.”

He blushed, looking away from her. “I can’t explain that. But I don’t want you to go.”

She shook her head, “Because you don’t want me to go isn’t a good enough reason.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. “I think I am falling in love with you and I am scared. You challenged me in ways that I hadn’t been for a long time, and that frightened me. It feels like I just lost Angelyne yesterday, but I know that it is time to move on.”

“I am not a rebound.” She stated, her face becoming blotchy.

The attendant stepped forward, looking as uncomfortable as Y/N felt. “I am sorry to interrupt, but we need to finish boarding.”

Y/N sighed, readjusting her bag. “I need some time, Jess.” She didn’t wait for his reply, not being able to stand in front of him crying. She walked away, forcing herself to continue down the tiny hall so that she didn’t turn back.

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH 16

////TW SA mentioned/hinted at/// Depiction of a panic attack as well

The hospital was a buzz with energy, which was a bit weird considering how small the town was. Were there really this many patients today? You honestly didn't know, hell for the longest time you weren't even sure this was a hospital when you moved here.

That was changed recently, like very recent. Last night in fact when you had been forced awake by medical staff trying to determine your condition. That sadist doctor of yours kept a small smile on their face the entire time you groaned about wanting sleep. They had simply tutted at you saying you needed to be monitored for several hours before they could let you rest.

Thankfully you hadn't seen them today but it was only ten thirty. A lovely nurse had been checking in with you all morning, even before you woke up. He'd come in when you had buzzed after waking up in pain and given you a dose of your medicine through your IV drip. When you questioned him about where you were he seemed to still in concern. Worried that you hadn't remembered your accident that lead you here.

After assuring him and giving him a play by play of your day yesterday, giving him the assumed day, and answering who the current president was he let you off the hook. Mark, your nurse, had been very keen to tell you the Cowell family is in charge of your care and will be here later in the day to visit with you. Granted you actually feel up to visitors. Which you take as code for 'would you like me to deny visitors?'.

You let him know you'll be fine with visits after ten. Knowing full well how fast news can travel in the small town it's only a matter of time before a parade of Hornets meander through to check in on you. First you wanted to grab your bearings before being thrown to your overly concerned friends.

Or maybe they weren't overly concerned after all you did just experience a home invasion that left you hospitalized. Simply being concerned is a natural reaction to your situation. But your head hurts just thinking about anything right now. So, you'd like to take a moment for yourself, have a bit of time to process everything.

Either way you'd been right, news travels fast in this small town. Nearly all the lodge residents had been waiting for an hour to see you when ten rolled around. At ten on the dot Aubrey, Barclay, and Jake stormed into your room and surrounded you like piranhas in a frenzy. You looked towards Dani, Hollis, Kirby, and several other lodge staff members for help only to get small smiles and a shake of the head.

They wouldn't be helping you out of this anytime soon. You just had to endure the genuine concern and affection from your friends. Luckily for your splitting head the visit only lasts thirty minutes before everyone has to leave. Life still goes on even when a loved one is in the hospital. With several promises to return tomorrow and requests that you take it easy the rambunctious group was gone.

You relax into your bed before turning on the TV and finding something mind numbing to watch. The food network works! You hope Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives is in the roll today. You're in luck as it starts playing right after the commercials.

The voice of your doctor is getting closer to your room. Great if you weren't already upset by the atrocity happening with the pizza at that restaurant then you are surely in a sour mood now.

“Well sir we hope you can reason with the child. They have simply fought us each time we've brought up the tests. We'd say it was mildly impressive that they held such coherence last night, had it not been for the headache it has given us.”

Oh here we fucking go again.

“I don't need the tests.”

No one had made it through the threshold before you spoke. Everyone froze at your cold tone. Until the doctor makes a motion towards you.

“As you can see, they're very stubborn.”

“I'm not stubborn you're just not listening to me. I haven't had sex in a year so I don't need a pregnancy test and I just got bashed around last night. I don't need an invasive search done.” You ignore the Cowell family as you speak to the doctor, “I find it concerning how keen you are to do a rape test on me even though I've repeatedly told you I just got banged up in the scuffle. Nothing more.”

The doctor still has their small smile placed just ever so on their face. There's something really off about them. Even under normal circumstances you hate hospitals and doctors. Mainly because they never listen to you about your issues, something you know would be even worse if you had 'Autistic' labeled in a medical file. But something about this doctor seriously rubbed you the wrong way. Perhaps you two knew each other in  previous life and it was coming back to bite you in the ass now.

“Doc, the kid says they don' need a test, then they don' need the test.” Big Jo says breaking the staring contest between you and the doctor as they slide their gaze away from you to look at Big Jo.

You take no little satisfaction from seeing their stupid smile finally leave their face. It isn't long before it's replaces and they bound over to you. Poking and prodding you, jabbing with a lot more force than they should need to. After a small adjustment to your IV they clear you for this check up and allow the Cowells to have their visit with you.

“Something's off about them.” you say cautiously after the family steps into the room.

Big Jo sighs, “Ye' but they took care 'o ya last night kid.” Ushering his family through he closes the door behind them only to turn back to you with a stern expression, “so ya better play nice with 'em got it?”

Fighting back the intense urge to roll your eyes you nod, before turning to Little Jo who's made her way over to your bedside in her hands several thick graphic novels. The same ones your store started to carry a few weeks back. Looking up from the books you see her watery and puffy eyes. What she takes from Big Jo in personality she takes from her mother in empathy.

“I-I-I yip-yip I thought yip you might get bored so I yup wanted to let you borr-yip-borrow these.”

When she places the books onto the small table beside your bed you can see the tremors that rake through her hands. Choosing not to comment or bring any attention on the tween's obvious nerves you settle for an ice breaker.

“Thanks, don't know how much more crimes against pizza I can stomach.” motioning to the TV where a man is making paper thin crust on pizza to have a pizza that cooks in a minute.

That's not pizza it's cooked cheese and tomato sauce with toppings. Not pizza at all.

Jo nods softly, her normal enthusiasm no where to be found today. A pang rips through your chest as you watch her eyes cast downwards. With no clue how to help her feel better you have to swallow the sigh in your throat to not make the air heavier than it already is. Dia and Big Jo aren't much help either when you spare them a glance.

Dia herself is wiping her eyes with a tissue and sniffles escape her every few seconds. Not much is different bout Big Jo, he may have more prominent eye bags today but you weren't going to judge him for not sleeping. Even under normal circumstances you didn't have ground to stand on. Mark mentioned Big Jo was the one who found you from what he'd over heard at the nurses' station this morning.

Knowing this made the foreboding feeling in your stomach grow. The way he's looking at you with his cold stoney stare-he's not even really looking at you more through you. But his stare pierces you and sends the pit in your stomach lower than you thought possible. If it wasn't so chilly in the room you'd probably be sweating right now.

“Dia, why don' ya take Josephine home.”

Hearing this you lift your hand up to Little Jo before she has a chance to scurry out of the room with her mother. She looks at your hand and then back to you before launching herself into you with a crushing hug. Gravity doesn't help your case as the child's entire weight is on your prone form, you hadn't sat up when they came into the room.

“Get better soon.” the pain was worth it to hear the small plea. She at least felt a little better if she could talk without her vocal tic interrupting her.

After you pat her on the back and promise to rest up she's out the door with her sobbing mother. It's a quiet few moments after the door shuts before Jo takes a step towards your bed. If the pit in your stomach went any lower you're sure you'd be able to see your insides. The hulking man takes a seat in the chair next to your bed sighing as he leans back rubbing his face.

“Tell me what happened kid.”

You relay the events of your day to him. How you and Toby had gone out of town for slushies, gotten caught in so much traffic that you felt it was a punishment from God himself. The funny feeling you had after dropping Toby off, the one that said just to go straight home. And how you had a feeling someone had just been in your home. You left nothing out about the altercation with ski mask. That wasn't saying much because you only remember the ski mask and how you tried to claw their face off. When Jo pressed you for a physical description you weren't any help. Having been too caught up in survival mode you only registered the stupid frowny face on the ski mask as being a key detail...but any fool could laser transfer a decal. And the same went for that painted mask, anyone could grab an art store face mask and block paint some black over the features.

Vaguely you recall them wearing a jacket. Had it been red, yeah like a burnt burgundy maybe? It wasn't a lot to go on and seemed to frustrate Jo even more, if the pinching of his nose was anything to go by.

“You are aware of the situation, yea?” his accent has dropped, he's speaking in a more neutral tone and inflection. This might be the most rattling moment of the week-and it's only Tuesday.

He isn't looking at you so you give a quiet 'yes sir' in response.

“Kid your car got broken into on my lot. Your home gets invaded and you get bashed around/ All this a few months after my other front end girlie disappears in the middle of the night.”

A lump forms in your throat at the mention of Bambi. You can see the pattern he's stringing together, honestly you saw it long before today. You'd just been sloppy and took too much time to gather evidence of your stalkers' existence.  Bambi's disappearance wasn't voluntary and it looks like you may be next.

“Called Lydia already and we're upping the security at the cottage. Until I'm satisfied with the level of security you will be staying with us.”

“I co-cou” the lump was hard to speak around, “I can't impose like that, it's fine I'll-”

“You'll just what sleep in your car become an easier target? Go gallivanting to towns miles away where no one knows you.” his harsh words cause you to sputter, “For Christ's sake YN we don't know who we're dealing with right now!”

You don't make eye contact with Jo. You can't make eye contact he's raised his voice. You're lucky you're laying down or else you'd be rocking back and forth right now.

“Unless you have a clue who's out there and the police catch them, this decision is final. This isn't up for debate YN.” he finishes harshly

Even though he's finished you still can't look at him, your nerves are so shot and all you can do is bite your lip.

“Look I...I'd feel a lot more comfortable knowing you weren't out on your own while this gets handled. Josephine looks up to ya like an older sibling, she'd be crushed if you ended up like Bambi. Same goes for Dia. And I don't want that for my girls.” he says softly, “Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir.”

With that Jo leaves you in the room after informing you that they'd be back to check you out of the hospital tomorrow. And that you could expect a visit from Sheriff Owens at some point before then.

Even after Jo leaves it feels like someone has your heart in a vice. And every few beats they squeeze it, constricting the flow of freshly oxidized blood to your body. For good measure they try to yank the organ straight from your chest cavity but just end up bruising your rib cage.

Oh God you can't breathe, you're trying but you can't tell if you are or aren't anymore. The beeping of you heart monitor is increasing with each second. It's annoying ringing is too much and you need to rip the cords from you immediately. That just makes the ringing worse as it flat lines not finding any beating or rhythm under your skin.

Soon you're swarmed with a team of nurses trying to settle you down in your panic induced haze. Their grabbing hands and forceful touches burn your skin and light a fire that travels through your veins; and only serves to make you thrash more. Taking a swing at the nurse who holds a needle you continue your struggle against the other bodies holding you down as she stumbles away.

A few nurses rush in from the door to help her, not that you notice.

So many of the sounds are merging together and you can't understand anything. From the shrill beep of the heart monitor, the voices calling out at various pitches, footsteps. Everything forms into one gigantic frantic pitch in your already fried mind.

A growl rips through the room, you can feel the vibration of it all over you. Did that come from you?

In an instant all hands are off of your panting form and just before you can sit up a deep pressure is applied to your torso. Warmth seeps into you as the pressure lowers itself onto your body. Effectively ending your meltdown and lulling you into a dissociative state.

Floating is the only way you can describe it. The sensation of weightlessness and a gentle rocking caused by the adrenaline trying to defuse itself back into the body. Or the foggy haze that clouds your mind as you try to remember what just happened. Trying to rational the series of events and this outcome. But nothing comes to you except more brain fog. A confusing storm of frustration and vulnerability hits you. And you are left powerless to do anything. You can't kick your legs or scream as much as you want to.

The weight on top of you is forcing a calm to wash over you while the emotions inside wish to break free like a whirlwind. Your distress kick starting the whirlwind back up again only to die like a camp fire in a thunderstorm when you can't get any sort of momentum to your tantrum.

You can only loose yourself to the fogginess drifting further away from your psychical body. Completely unaware of the world around you as it washes away into nothingness.

When the floating feeling finally lifts you have to blink to shake off the remaining stupor. You're able to tell there is still a heavy weight on top of you but also something holding down your left hand. You turn away from the wall that you've been staring blankly at for hours, if your sore neck is anything to go by, and see Connor perking up at your movement.

“Hey bud,” you raise a hand to ruffle his ear and he lays his big head back onto your chest. “hey Tobes.” voice cracking as you greet the man you assume is holding your hand in a death grip, not once looking up from Connor.

There's a tight squeeze on your hand and you have to close your eyes and take a minute to collect yourself before turning to face him. The last thing you remember before drifting off was a group of nurses trying to sedate you. Having no clue what went on after that and when Toby came in you're preparing for the worst. Finally facing him you pause when you make eye contact.

“Jesus! What happened to-to-to you!?”

When you'd last seen him you'd dropped Toby off in the same shape you got him. Now he's sporting a heavily swollen black eye, one that looks pretty bade considering his nose bridge is also swelling a bit. It almost looks like it's pulsing. The dark purple bruise and deep red bleeding from under it to spread away from the injury is such a drastic contrast to his weirdly grayish complexion. You aren't sure if the black eye is actually that bad or if it just looks that way due to Toby's lack of melanin.

“Tim and I got into a fight.” his one good eye cuts to the side, “Barkclay had to split us up. Drove me here to get it checked out, it's fine.” He's dismissing it, they probably can't figure out if his eye really is fine right now, since he can't feel pain and that thing looks tightly swollen shut.

“Barclay.” is the only thing you can manage to say. Your brain wasn't prepared for most things right now and it's having trouble processing the gnarly injury mixed with complete nonchalance.

His lips pull back into a smile and not one you've seen from him before. Sure you've pulled a couple genuine mirth filled smiles out of him, or seen his teasing smirks, or bashful shy smiles when you've been out with others. But this smile, if you could even call it that-it was more like he was barring his teeth. Toby looked ready for another fight or like he was a feral predator about to rip out it's prey's jugular. There's a brief flash of a image that pops into your mind's eye, one of Toby's bloodstained face with this exact expression, teeth soaked red with blood and chunks of flesh in between . A chill runs through you at the thought. Had Connor not been laying on top of you, you would have shivered.

The instant you squeeze Toby's hand, the smile wipes off his face and he stares down at your interlocked hands. He returns the gesture before bringing his other hand over. Looking up at you through his eyelashes he flips your hand and when your expression doesn't change and you don't pull away he begins to play with your fingers.

“What was the fight about?”

“I don't have to answer that.” his tone is short and clipped.

You don't press the subject, obviously Toby doesn't want to talk about it. And you're fine with that, anyway if the fight was bad enough for Barclay to need to break it up and he drove Toby here you can assume Tim instigated and is probably getting kicked back out into the RV with no AC. As bad as it sounds you could care less. Toby's your friend not Tim, you only care if Toby's ok and while he may have a very fucked up eye in the future, right now he seems like normal Toby. A bit more irritated and on edge but that's normal after a stressful day. Hell you punched a nurse a few hours ago.

“What happened to you?”

There's a small part of you that wants to sass Toby, that you don't have to answer that. Thankfully the rational side reminds you that fight with a roommate is very different than having been beaten in a home invasion. Once again retelling your story but this time starting after you dropped Toby off. No need in going into as much detail as you went into with Jo or how much you'll need to go into with the sheriff. Toby's hands would grip yours tightly throughout your recounting. It's one of the reasons you didn't go into a ton of detail. Understanding your friend is barely holding on by  a string on his good days you aren't about to load your stress along with his already eventful day.

“You can't stay there alone.” he says after you finish the recap.

“Uh duh? Like Jo's already ordered me under house arrest at his house.”

It's like the tension leaks out of him like air leaving a balloon with the way he deflates after you say that. His grip loosens on you hand and he goes back to idly playing with your fingers.

“Good...that's good.” he nods to himself.

In the silence of this hospital room with his service dog on you instead of attending to his clear anxiety ridden form, you realize Toby's a lot more caring than his exterior lets on. The brunette might not wear his heart on his sleeve but it's easy to see it once you know what you're looking for. In this moment as battered and bruised as he is, even the potential possibility of loosing function in his left eye, he's more concerned with you. Whether it's low self worth or just how he treats friends you'll have to find out later.

“Hey...Tobias, I'm here y'know?” you start to sit up waving off a pecking Connor. Once you're far enough up you retract from Toby's grip, which he does fight you on a little. And you reach out further to his bicep, you can't quite reach his shoulder in this position.

“I'm ok Tobes, I'm here.” for some reason 'Tobias' doesn't sound right for this moment.

Toby doesn't give much of a reaction which is fine since you weren't really expecting one. He places his hand over yours for a moment before bringing it back into his grip and fixates on playing with your fingers once again.

With a smile you go to pet Connor with you free hand, hoping Toby might shake himself out of this funk. After a bit of petting you grow restless with the lack of stimulation and ask Toby to pass you on of the graphic novels Little Jo left for you.

It's easier than you thought reading with one hand would be, especially since you can prop the book on Connor who doesn't seem to mind. Pup is resting across your legs now that both humans in the room are stable enough to function without his intervention.

When you finish the first book Toby speaks up, eye still focused on your hand in his. And you find out that although the series isn't his normal thing he did enjoy the art style and a few of the jokes. He waits for you to finish each book before talking more about them and the arc of the story they laid out. Opening up for the two of you to have a nice discussion on the fantasy game based series. It's honestly so much fun for you, where you lack in background awareness Toby is quick to fill you in and point out little ques the writers and artist dropped. In return you're right there explaining character motives and the subtle looks of a character's eyes.

It's a fun few hours before visiting hours are over. And Toby paused at the door before he left, he looked like he wanted to say something but held back. Just as he turned to leave you call out.

“Get home safe.” it's normally his line but you aren't going anywhere tonight.

“I will....get well soon. I'll see ya later.”

There's that awkward smile! You can barely contain the beaming one you sent him before he left. Despite being hospitalized for injuries sustained by a home invasion from your potential stalker...well plural now, you've had a pretty great day.

Fuck that sounds so bad. Should you feel guilty about forgetting your messed up circumstances? No, no everything is getting sorted out. If anything this is going along with your plans for Big Jo to help you out. This was more than enough evidence to prove that you aren't just paranoid. And you're about to have a safe place to hang while this all gets settled.

The fact that you got injured is less than ideal but this is what you get for being sloppy and unfocused.

You have a lot of faith in your boss, you know this will be dealt with. Thinking back to everyone who came to see you today...you just hope everyone can be as confident as you are that this will all end soon.

[crossdressingdeath]

On the Lan Sect negativity:

1) The Lan Sect’s involvement was only at Discussion Conferences and the like - events they had to attend. No real choice, they had to go. But WWX mentions only the Jin Sect at Qiongqi path, and only the Jin and Jiang Sects at the siege.

WWX only mentions that WN might have hurt Lan Sect members when he went wild at his execution with WQ - and it should be noted that the Lan Sect let LWJ argue on behalf on the Wens. They had the power to stop him, but they didn’t. At the Nightless City, WWX seemed to attack everyone with no mercy or distinction between friend or foe. Of course they’re worried when LWJ disappears with him. But LXC specifically points out that he wanted to do it secretly, so it wasn’t a Lan Sect siding with the Jin Sect thing.

Yeah, there was the Second Siege... but the Jin Sect had “proof” that WWX had killed innocent people and had kidnapped Sect heirs and junior disciples. Not great proof, but ya know. And the Lan Sect was one of the first ones willing to listen to WWX.

2) We don’t know what went on with LWJ’s mother. We don’t know much about who she killed, why she killed them or anything. The fandom likes to paint her as this helpless victim but we don’t know if she was. We don’t even know if she was in love with her husband or not. You can speculate. You can headcanon. But you can’t know. It sucks, but it is what it is.

3) We see in the extras that it’s perfectly normal for Sect members to interact with someone of the opposite biological sex. WWX sees and talks to a female disciple, who was heading to feed the rabbits. And, actually, it seems that the separation only happened recently, as WWX’s parents met at CR. CSSR met JFM at CR. And it seems like a lot of the parents were there as well. It’s probably a tradition for Sect heirs to go. I wonder what could have happened with the past generation that could have caused the Lan Sect to decide “You know what, let’s seperate them”? That sounds like a great idea for a crack fic, honestly...

Anyway, the gossiping rule is only there to discourage the spread of misinformation. Considering that one of the main themes in the novel is the dangers of taking gossip at face value without looking into it, I don’t think that’s a rule we’re meant to find oppressive.

4) Where does it say that the “no talking to WWX” rule is written on the wall? I’ve only seen it in fics. And rereading the extra it was introduced in... hmm, not there... maybe translation differences? Or maybe it’s an exaggeration? Either way, this rule is clearly not taken seriously as WWX is allowed to teach the junior disciples. Without LWJ present even. This is shown in two seperate extras. So, unless we assume that the Lan Sect is too dumb to realize that WWX and the juniors all disappearing at the same time has a connection, we can assume that he’s probably allowed to teach them. And it’s very hard for a teacher to teach without communication with students.

5) Yeah, the Lan Sect has plenty of rules, but the rules are clearly dealt with differently depending on what they are, and the circumstances they are broken in. Like the rule against fighting - that is clearly fine to break if you’re fighting to defend someone or something. The rules against noise and running? Perfectly fine to break if there is an emergency and you need help instantly (or if you want to scold someone for doing something wrong). Someone being unconscious doesn’t violate the sleeping rules either.

It should also be mentioned that they’re even willing to let things slide not only based on serious (we never see WWX punished for running, or sleeping in, for example) but also on knowledge. They don’t punish him for those first four rules he breaks, they just make sure he can’t use not knowing them as an excuse to break more.

6) Yes, “Do not grieve is excess” sounds messed up on its own. But one, I don’t even remember if that’s a canon rule or a fanon rule (this is not as easy to double check as the rules in the extras), but I don’t remember it in any version I’ve seen. Two, there are certain parts of the grieving process that can actually be detrimental to one’s health if preformed for too long. The rule doesn’t put a time limit on grieving, it just says “excess”.

1) I believe it’s mentioned that they were present at the first siege, but it was the Jin and Jiang sects that were leading it and as I’ve mentioned before the fact that they felt the need to hide the bodies suggests to me that the Lans (and Nies) were far enough away from the actual Wen village that they never saw any of the remnants; it’s not like there wouldn’t be a large number of fierce corpses to keep them busy in the Burial Mounds. I think there may have been some Lan cultivators at the ambush? But that may be CQL-only (if it was a thing at all; I may be misremembering), and either way we never get any evidence to suggest their presence was sanctioned by the sect as a whole. And yeah, the Lans at the very least hid LWJ’s involvement from the rest of the sects; it may have just been an attempt to protect their own, but they were prepared to let a connection to WWX slide, at least. (Not to mention I don’t doubt that at least some of them suspected that A-Yuan was connected to WWX in some way, and no one said anything about that; I’ll be the first to admit that I can’t prove that, but it seems like a reasonable assumption.) And as you say, in the second siege they’re quick to stand down when given reason to believe that WWX isn’t an actual threat, not to mention how their sect leader actively sheltered him from the wrath of the sects not long before that point.

2) Yeah, that’s always the thing with the “the Lans locked up the Twin Jades’ mother and forced her to marry against her will” thing. It’s certainly a possibility, but it’s not a guarantee. The only source we get is getting the story second hand from people with a vested interest in making the whole affair look as bad as possible (to lower the risk of their current sect leader and heir doing something similar, which... fails). And if it did happen it doesn’t guarantee they’ll do it again in a very different situation; in fact we know they don’t, since WWX and LWJ’s marriage is accepted, if only grudgingly, and there’s no sign of them locking WWX up.

3) I imagine male and female disciples were always separated during classes, but it doesn’t follow that they’re separated all the time; clearly there are at least co-ed areas, if a female Lan disciple is going to visit the rabbits. Personally I’m thinking maybe the separation is at least stricter during the lessons to avoid distraction (hence why WWX never saw a female disciple as a kid but ran into one by accident while living in the Cloud Recesses) and it was probably a thing while the previous generation was there (CSSR is the exact sort of person to sneak into areas she’s not supposed to be in; I mean, she breaks into LQR’s room). But yeah, if nothing else there’s no reason to believe the male and female disciples don’t share information and a rule against sharing information that isn’t proven true (in a sect with rules against lying) which is generally rather negative towards the target doesn’t exactly seem unreasonable.

4) I think it’s in the ExR translation; is it not a thing in the original Chinese? But yeah, at worst the entire sect turns a blind eye to this rule being broken constantly, and more likely it was just quietly removed (if it was an official, policed rule to begin with, which is debatable). People seem to take that rule way more seriously than it’s ever taken in canon, honestly.

5) Yeah, the Lans are clearly prepared to make allowances in the rules for various reasons; there’s no reason to believe that mental health stuff wouldn’t be considered worthy of a similar allowance. Note that whenever we see a Lan faced with a clear mental health issue their response is to try to help; somewhat clumsily in LWJ’s case, but they do want to help, not shove the person back into some semblance of normalcy. That suggests to me that someone having genuine issues with following the rules would be treated more gently; note that LJY’s rule-breaking is treated mostly with mild exasperation and the usual punishment (which also grants Lan disciples a pretty useful skill, in this case; incredible arm strength is the Lan Thing, after all) and no one really seems to get fed up with him in any serious way.

6) Honestly, of all the sects I think that the Lans quite possibly have the healthiest grief-management stuff? I mean, we don’t see much of the Jins, but the Nies seem to go for “Channel everything into Rage and Fighting” and (while odds are it’s not indicative of the Jiangs as a whole, at least under JFM) every time we see grief in the Jiang sect it involves JC trying to murder WWX, which... is a whole thing. I’ve always taken “Do not grieve excessively” as “Do not let your grief consume you”, which is in fact a healthy way of looking at it; I don’t know if the Lans have grief counselling, but there is a point where grief just becomes incredibly unhealthy and saying “Hey, don’t do that” is at least... something. I do hope they offer some sort of assistance though, because just banning all-consuming grief and offering no help would be a whole mess. Still, if any sect is going to offer some form of counselling it’s going to be the one with the magic music for calming the mind!

[hargrove-mayfields]

No, see, this is the point where I now come into your ask box /begging/ you to give me even a single religious Neil headcannon in exchange for my entire heart ❤️🤲

Ahh thank you for the ask! I’ve been wanting to ramble abt this! Here’s a few hcs for you!

-The number one most important one I think is that Billy is left handed. We all know the association between left handed folks and the devil and it would tick Neil off to no end when they notice that little Billy is tying his shoes left handed and picking up crayons and sippy cups with his left hand, so he trains Billy to use the right one instead through typical Neil fashion. His mother never let Neil hit him but he definitely scared him through threats of it, and when that doesn’t work he breaks his left arm so he can’t use it and pretends it was just an accident. Billy learns his lesson and starts forcing himself to use the right hand, but because of the constant focus on using the wrong hand or facing the consequences he develops pretty bad dyslexia. If you’ve got dyslexia you can’t read the Bible, so Neil tries everything he can to cure him of it (making Billy pray it away, forcing him into every educational church related program he can find, beating it out of him) but it only makes it worse. It takes him years after moving out of Neil’s place to be comfortable using his left hand for anything and even then he’s still mostly ambidextrous because there’s some things he just can’t shake using the right for.

-They have bibles literally everywhere in the Hargrove-Mayfield house. One on every bookshelf, in every drawer, on every side table, and whenever Billy or Max get in trouble for minor things they get verses read to them (in Billys case because of the dyslexia he has to read them himself and it always goes terribly) and forced to apologize to whoever is punishing them, whoever they wronged, and to God.

-Their church had a pastor who tried to be like, very hip with the kids but he was truly a nasty s.o.b under the surface. Neil was very close friends with this dude so he was able to get Billy one-on-one sessions with him after the church cleared out, and they are, very tough to sit through because he’s got this facade of being Billy’s friend, but he’s saying terrible things about him because of who he is (I hc that Billy outed himself before he realized the consequences of it as a little, little kid) and it’s so confusing to him that he ends up just bawling his eyes out after every one. His faith in the church is shaky at best, but he really internalizes a lot of what that man says to him because of the way he presents it. When the pastor moves on to another church and they get this new old guy in who’s genuinely really nice, Billy's still terrified of him regardless and sits through every service unable to look to the front.

-Bible school was absolutely mandatory. Most kids would go to have fun, but Billy didn’t like the church, and he couldn’t really click with the other kids. Making a prayer pillow and listening to the creepy kid friendly songs and reading in the Jonah and the whale tent just wasn’t cool and exciting like it was to his peers and he feels so isolated. So he sneaks off to go chill in the nursery where he can be alone and it’s not suffocating and crowded, but Neil wants updates since he can’t be there, and he knows Billy’s lying about attending because he asked the ladies in charge of it. As punishment for blowing off what he considered the easy route to teaching Billy the right path to take, Billy winds up enrolled in church camp.

-Church camp sucks. A lot. It’s marketed as being a fun outdoorsy getaway but it’s a lot deeper than that for kids who don’t have a normal relationship with their religion, and especially not for kids whose counselors know they’re gay. It’s basically torture, being away from home in a secluded place where literally around him treats him like a freak because they all know his secret. It’s like, during worship times it feels like everyone’s staring at him, and nobody eats with him in the mess hall and he’s got a bunk bed all to himself because no one else is allowed to share with him and it’s awful. When he gets to come back home he breaks down hard, and Neil is smug as all hell that it had made him that miserable. Billy starts pretending then and there that he’s changed, because he knows the next step would be conversion therapy and what he’s been through was bad enough, so he basically hides away anything that was left of his personality after church camp. For the first time ever Neil’s proud of him.

-Whenever Billy would get in big trouble he’d pretend to pray. Hide in his room and get on his knees at the foot of his bed because his dad wouldn’t hit him if he’s praying, right? Wrong. Neil started making him say his prayers out loud, and he’d stand in the door and wait for Billy to do it right. It makes the whole thing that much more unpleasant because now he knows what was inevitably coming when he got through with it, and he’d only get in more trouble if he stalled. Neil isn’t stupid either, he knows that Billys just trying to buy himself some time and he doesn’t truly mean what he’s saying, so once Billys got his punishment he makes him pray again through his tears. Just to drive the point home.

-Neil definitely made the kids do the annual Easter Pageant when they were little. It was humiliating for Billy, getting put in a reused costume and having to tell the story that’s been used against him so much. All the old church ladies fussing over how cute he is, standing up on the grassy hillside to be gawked at while Susan insisted on snapping picture after picture of her new step son even though he didn’t have any lines. It’s all just way too much. By the time he’s old enough to refuse doing it anymore Neil accuses him of tearing the family apart, ruining their traditions, embarrassing them in front of their community, but he stands his ground, and they all watch Max perform in her little angel costume, and Billy gets his ass beat as soon as it’s over.

-Their church used to have annual holiday parties for stuff like Christmas, Halloween, and Easter, and that was the only time Billy ever had any fun when it came to his religion. They weren’t the greatest little parties but there were some really tasty baked goods and the games were kind of fun because there was no underlying biblical message behind like, carrying a ping pong ball across the room with a spoon and pin the tail on the donkey. Neil doesn’t approve of them though, thinks they distract from what the church should be teaching, and Billy and Max are forbidden from going to them.

-As time goes on Billy still goes to church every Sunday and attends the holiday services but he’s not forced into the extracurriculars anymore because he’s a lot better at acting and following the rules. But I think the worst part would be that he would truly want to believe in God. Of course he’d be bitter that he’d been forced to go through so much abuse at the hands of someone who claimed to be religious, but deep down he knows that isn’t what it’s about and he doesn’t want to have to pretend that there’s something for him to believe in. He genuinely wants to believe that there’s hope for better things and someone looking out for him, but there’s just so much trauma associated with his faith that he can’t, no matter how hard he tries, and if not for everything else he did, he hates Neil so much for ruining that for him.

[witchiswriting]

A Not So Merry Christmas Chapter 3

Summary: Negan has some ugly revelations on his path

Warnings: Angst ( Lots of it), Mentions of Infidelity, Swearing, Mentions of death

Author’s Note: This chapter was pretty hard for me to write. I tried to explain everything about his past at once. And, you don’t know what it’s coming for you guys. Please don’t kill me after this chapter lmao

‘’What?’’ Negan slurred. That was the only thing that could come out from his mouth at the moment.

Shock surrounded his whole body. He literally had no idea where he was, or what fucking was The Sanctuary. The room was definitely his style, except for mounted animals. He’d never been a fan of dead animals on the walls. However, Lilith would fucking despise this room and that was the reason why he hadn’t furnished theirs with dark furniture.

He blinked several times before taking a full glance at the man who was standing before him. Funny enough, Negan knew the man very well. He was his childhood best friend Simon, they grew up together and Simon was a bartender in the same small town. Long story short, he died in a terrible car accident three years ago and naturally, Negan hasn’t seen the man since then, but at the very moment Simon was standing in front of him, very much alive and a stressful expression on his face.

''That’s odd'' Negan mused.

It was evident that Simon was tired and, maybe, little bit scared… It was strange, though, cause no matter how intimidating Negan was Simon was one of the few people who was never afraid of him. The others were Rick and Lilith but Negan quickly pushed the thought of them off his mind.

Simon cleared his throat, waiting for to find the right words. Negan hasn’t been himself since that horrific day but he did never forget where he was before. It was new and very much worrying for Simon.

‘’Negan, I know that you don’t wanna fucking remember or acknowledge what had happened a month ago, but you need to find a way to get yourself together. This place needs you.’’ Simon spoke with a soft, caring tone. He knows that his boss, best friend is hurting nevertheless, but, also he is very much needed. There's no way Simon could run The Sanctuary without Negan and, to be honest, he is worried for his friend’s mental health too. It isn’t like they could afford a psychologist these days.

Negan slowly got up from the bed without saying another word to Simon. He was wearing the grey sweatpants and white t-shirt he wore last night just before going to the bed in his own room.

He slowly moved the curtains aside and took a quick glance from window. The view had him shocked. There were lifeless, rotten corpses chained to the fence of the building and a few men with prisoner suits triying to tie them down.

Where the fuck was he? If this was a nightmare then it was, for sure the most horrific and unpleasant one.

‘’What the fuck are they doing?’’ Negan said with a loud voice. It wasn’t his intention to sound angry towards his friend but he couldn’t help it.

Simon was watching the same scenery from window. Though, unlike his friend, it was a pretty usual scene for him.

‘’You ordered for the remained Alexandrians to deal with the biters as a first thing in the morning, boss.’’ Simon shrugged his shoulders and explained like there was nothing wrong with it.

Negan furrowed his brows. His face was frowned. ‘’Biters?’’ He asked with a genuine confused voice.

Simon took a deep breath before his next words. He slowly put his hand on Negan’s shoulder as a supporting manner. ‘’Look, Negan. I know you’re suffering and I wish we could go back in time and make things right but, as you can fucking see, that’s not the case. Locking yourself in that mind of yours and trying to forget everything might have seemed a better choice but it’s not. You have to move on.’’ He was watching Negan with almost pitying eyes.

‘’Plus, Rick the Prick has started to be a pain in the ass. You need to take care of him, too.’’ Simon stated.

Rick? If he’s in this shit hole then, maybe he knows what the actual fuck is going on too.

Negan nodded towards his best friend, licking his lips. ‘’Okay. Fucking wait outside while I put on decent fucking clothes then.’’

Simon turned and left the room just like an obedient dog.

An inanimate object caught his eye. A barbed wired baseball bat is just standing beside his wardrobe. It had a few scratches on it, but other than that the bat looked fine and, well, deadly. Probably it’s a fucking weapon for dealing with the moving corpses.

As Negan went through the drawers he couldn’t help but think about the one person he needed at the moment.

Lilith… Maybe it was all her doing, since she was always talking about witchy stuff he hadn’t believed nor given a second thought. What if it was his punishment for breaking her heart?

‘’Bull-fucking-shit.’’ He muttered under his breath. Negan wasn’t an illogical person. Of course, he believed in things like religion, and he considered himself a believer. He wasn’t religious or something but he understood the religion, at least the logical parts of it.

I’m trying to rationalize this fucking hell hole with irrational things. He told himself.

But when he opened the drawer he met his very own clothes. Bunch of white shirts he loved so much and his one and only leather jacket, and lots of black shirts.

‘’You fucking kidding me?!’’ He roared with an uncontrollable anger. He was rubbing his face, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He dressed hastily and got out of the room with heavy, rushed steps. His heart was pounding in his stomach.

Simon watched him with a concerned glance. Thinking about if he should inform him about the absence of his precious bat, probably he forgot to take it and considering his commitment to the object, he decided to tell Negan.

‘’Boss, I see you’re pretty preoccupied today. You left Lucille in the room.’’ Simon said in a humoristic way. Trying to hide his worries with a reassuring smile.

WHAT THE FUCK FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK?

Negan’s face fell instantly. He felt the blood in his veins going cold. His already pale and tired face became paler in seconds. He could feel the wave of nausea  washing him.

‘’What the fuck did you just say?’’ He tried to sound firm but failed miserably. He could barely speak and his voice was shaky.

Simon was shocked. His friend had never spent a day without Lucille by his side, but, apparently the latest events had Negan shook more than Simon had cared to admit. So, he took a deep breath and decided to drop asking about the famous bat. ‘’Let’s get you something to eat first, then we’ll take care of everything else.’’ He put his hand on Negan’s shoulder with a soothing manner.

As they started to walk in long, dim hallway Negan tried to convince himself that this wasn’t happening for real, it was just a dream, a fucking trick of his drunk mind, but, unfortunately he couldn’t bring himself to believe that the place wasn’t real.

He meant to ask Simon what was going on and what he fucking exactly meant by ‘’Lucille’’, but he was already feeling so goddamn tired, and he shouldn't scare Simon if he wants to get out of this place.

‘’You’re quiet, boss. Care to share your thoughts?’’ Simon interrupted in an attempt to collect the attention of Negan.

Negan closed his eyes for a second and tried to sound normal to his death but somehow alive friend. If he wanted to know about where he fucking was then he had to play by the rules.

‘’So many things but I’m just feeling fucking tired and goddamn hungry, y’know.’’ He dropped the words with an uninterested tone.

As two men walked towards the stairs they passed by a grand wooden doored room. The door was open, so, Negan forced himself to look the other way. He didn’t want to come face to face with anybody else, especially if the person was someone he knew. He didn’t know if he could take it. What if Lilith was in there? But, he caught glimpse of an enormous crystal chandelier and shiny shelves filled with alcohol.

Despite his efforts to avoid the parlor a petite, feminine form slightly moved and caught his attention.

‘’Negan?’’ A soft, almost afraid feminine voice was heard in the empty hallway.

When Negan turned around he couldn’t recognize the blonde immediately but felt a strange familiarity.

I’M IN FUCKING HELL.

The blonde was twirling with her long hair. She had a concerned expression on her pretty face. Her baby blue eyes were wide with curiosity and hesitation.

Negan tried to remember the blonde’s name. It had to be something like Amanda or Amber.

Amber… She was one of the women Negan had cheated on Lucille with. He met her during one of his team’s matches. She was the sister of one of his students, and he fucked her in that particular evening on the benches. They had fooled around for a few times but she had become clingy over time and made herself believe in stuff like he was going to left Lucille for her. So, he had put her away like the trinkot she was and looked ahead for his fair share of women.

Negan’s throat was closing up. He could feel his stomach dropping and cold sweat was running down from his back. If hell is real then it is this exact place.

‘You’ve been avoiding us for a month… I wanted to know if you’re okay, y’know, if we can help.’’ She said with the same calm and hopeful tone Negan had known back then.

We? What the fuck is we?

Without thinking Negan walked towards to the parlor and felt a delicious horror with what he has just seen.

Four women, clad in black dress and high heels, looking pretty with their makeup on. And, unfortunately, Negan knew every one of them very well. He had forgotten their names in time but couldn’t forget their faces. He hated them with every cell in his body and they made him hate himself even more. They were the cruel evidence what he had done to the two women he had loved so dearly.

Sherry,

She was the first woman he had cheated on Lucille with. They were neighbors. Sherry lived in the house across from Negan’s, and she was married but, of course, it didn’t stop him. They had an affair going on for at least two or three months.

She had always find Negan attractive and when she came to him he couldn’t find the strength to say no to her. They ended the affair when her husband, Dwight found out.

Tanya, she was a simple lay. Negan met her in a restaurant. She was working as a waitress there and looking forward for a one night stand. He was supposed to book that restaurant for Lucille’s birthday but when he saw the deep V neck blouse Tanya was wearing he immediately forgot about his wife, as always, and took her to the first motel he could find.

They fucked roughly that night and Negan went back to home, to find out that his Lucille had cancer.

And, the redhead, Frankie. He didn’t have to force his mind to remember the details with her cause what had happened with her was recent. She was the first and last woman he cheated on Lilith with.

When he asked Lilith to move in with him she didn’t say yes immediately, like he had imagined. So, they got into a meaningless stupid fight because of his insecurities and he hit the bar that night. Determined to get drunk like an ass but, what he hadn’t planned was fucking the redhead who was giving him come and fuck me eyes for whole night.

He ended up fucking her there and then in the small bar toilet and couldn’t shake the fact that he wasn’t fully drunk while he was fucking her against the wall, making her scream his name over and over. He got mad at Lilith and tried to get revenge on her…

When he came to his senses he was already at his own home, looking at the caller ID of Lilith. Thinking about calling her and telling what he'd done that night but he couldn’t bring himself to do it because he knew that Lilith would never forgive him. She’d leave him in the blink of an eye and never look back.

He wasn’t strong enough to live without her, at least that was what he thought, he had no idea what guilt was gonna make him do back then and he passed out on his couch. Tears on the corners of his eyes and vomit on his lips.

Negan was looking at them but wasn’t able to understand what they were saying to him. All the four women’s mouths were moving but he couldn’t hear them. His ears were pounding so hard that for a moment, he thought he was going to black out. Oh, how that was the only thing he wanted at the moment.

What did him bring back to reality was Sherry’s sickening touch. She was shaking his shoulders gently, trying to tell him something.

‘’Negan, we’re your wives. You can’t neglect us like that.’’ Sherry stated with an unpleasant tone.

‘’GET. THE. FUCK. OUT!’’ Negan roared. His throat was one fire. He was pretty sure that he damaged his vocal cords.

‘’I’m fucking done with you. Get the fuck out. I don’t wanna see any fucking of you ever a-fucking-gain. Get out of my fucking sight before I fucking kill you!’’ He yelled like an animal. His saliva was on the corners of his mouth.

‘’D-do you want me to give you a m-massage? Don’t mind Sherry. I-if you’d like, of course.’’ Frankie asked with a scared voice from the place she was sitting. She was fumbling with her fingers, afraid.

‘’You! Especially you! If you say one fucking more word I’m going to fucking chain you to the fence. Get the fuck out before I come fucking back.’’ Negan yelled the last time and got out of the room, never looking back.

Simon was sweating while trying to catch up with Negan. He hadn’t seen his friend that angry since the day he had slaughtered all of the other communities.

‘’Simon!’’ Negan barked. His hazel colored eyes were almost dark with danger. He was fuming like an animal.

‘’Yes, boss.’’ Simon tried to sound obedient , finally catching up with Negan’s faster than lightning steps.

‘’I want them fucking gone by the end of the day. Do you fucking understand me? I don’t wanna fucking see any of them. If they wouldn’t be gone until tonight, then you’ll be the one to take their punishments. Am I fucking clear?’’ Negan hinted with a dangerous voice.

‘’Yes, sir, boss. Don’t worry.’’ That was the exact thing Simon was afraid of. Having to deal with his wives. They were all bitchy and spoiled. He didn’t know how to remove them from The Sanctuary, but he had to find a way if he wants to live.

Finally, they got to the first floor and Negan found himself in a pool of people. They were clothed badly and he couldn’t say they were living under hygienic circumstances either.

When people realized Negan was there they got on their knees immediately. However, Negan wasn’t in a state to understand why they were kneeling so he began to wander around in hopes to get something to eat and maybe find another familiar face, though, he wasn’t sure if seeing one more person from his prior life is gonna make him feel good.

Simon cleared his throat as an attempt to warn Negan. ‘’Ugh, boss, you need to…’’ He showed the still kneeling people.

He furrowed his brows. He had to tell them to stand up? ‘’Alright, okay. Stand the fuck up. I don’t have whole fucking day.’’

As people stood up the whispers started immediately. All of them were shocked with Negan’s attitude. Sure, he hasn’t been himself lately but he’d never forgotten to tell them ‘’As you were.’’

‘’Umm, boss.’’ Simon nudged Negan’s arm with his elbow. ‘’You always say as you were when you’re ordering people to stand up, but I guess, you’re pretty tired today.’’ Simon said as if people kneeling before Negan wasn’t something important.

Am I a fucking cult leader? Lilith, if it’s your doing then you’re fucking right. I deserve all of this shit.

His hunger and the abominable morning he was having made Negan’s whole body ache. Sure, he also wanted to cry and crash every fucking thing he could find but he, also, wasn’t sure if his mental state and body could take it.

Suddenly, his eyes caught a glimpse of brownish red locks. The woman’s back was turned and she was wearing a pastel pink flannel. For a moment, he thought about the woman who was occupying his mind, his heart and his whole being but he quickly realized that the woman wasn’t the one he was looking for.

Jane… Lilith’s mother. She was having a chit chat with an older lady. She sounded nice but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that she wasn’t happy. Instead, her sadness was dripping on her face. Her bright blue eyes were absent from their usual joy. They were full with a grey melancholy.

Jane was quick to realize that someone was watching her, and that someone was the only person she hated with every fiber in her body.

She abruptly stopped her chit chat with the older lady and turned to Negan. If looks could kill Negan would have been dead by now. Jane was practically throwing daggers at him with her intense glare.

‘’How dare you? How dare you are standing there, living your life after what you’ve done?! Have you no fucking shame? How could you continue to fuck your wives after… a-after.’’ She let out a sob, couldn’t finish her sentence.

The whispers had stopped. All of the people were in silence and shock. They stood there, watching the scene unfold before them.

Negan was stunned. He couldn’t keep himself from thinking that what he had done to Lilith this time… How badly did he hurt her? And wives? He couldn’t touch any other women after that disgusting night full of regret and guilt.

Jane took a deep breath and let the words out from her trembling lips. Her face was shiny from the tears she couldn’t stop. ‘’I fucking hate you. You’d better watch out, Negan.’’ She said his name like it’s a disease.

‘’When I have the chance, and I swear to god, I will. I’m going to fucking kill you. I’m going to fucking bleed you ‘till you go fucking numb and then I’ll kill you. You fucking monster.’’ Jane spit on the ground before turning back and going back to her work.

Negan could feel his heart is squeezing so badly. He immediately left the building and found himself in the yard of The Sanctuary.

He was sweaty and feeling dizzy. Bending, he couldn’t keep it together anymore and threw up his empty stomach, only bile coming out from his mouth.

When he straightened up he found Simon beside him.

He was standing there, unsure of what to do. Negan was being hard on himself and according to Simon’s experiences the day has triggered a panic attack for his boss.

Negan finally caught his breath. His face was dreading colour but he forced himself to be strong. At least, he had to know about Lilith. He had to find her and make this right.

What if he cheated on her with those five women and she saw it, or she was pregnant and she lost it because of him being such a dickhead. Maybe, she was with someone else, trying to be happy and forget him.

To be honest, Negan would be miserable and sad for the rest of his life if Lilith is moved on and happy with someone else, but that was the only thing she had deserved from the beginning. A healthy relationship with a person who loves her and makes her feel loved.

So, Negan took a deep breath and braced himself for what was coming, and asked the inevitable question.

‘’Simon, where is Lilith?’’ His voice was filled with exhaustion, fear and a little bit hope.

Simon didn’t know how to answer this question. He could mince the words and gain some time or left his question unanswered but this would be the cruelest thing for Negan.

In Simon’s mind Negan already knew the answer but apparently didn’t want to face it, so his mind had deleted the truth or hided in somewhere.

Therefore, he decided not to sugar coat his answer or delay the unbearable ugly truth. So, he let the words out without giving a second thought about it.

‘’Negan, Lilith is dead.’’

Tag List:

@buttercandy16​ 

[salandition]

Something Amazing

Hop x Reader

A/N: here it is! The first fic in the fake!engagement series. I’ll be writing one fic for Piers, Raihan, Leon- and others, if people request it, but only one fic per character with this prompt. I’m really happy with this one and I think it’s a great way to start the series, so hopefully you all enjoy it, too! Enjoy some good Hop angst!

Added note: the beginning of the story is told in your POV, and then the story shifts to Hop’s POV for the rest of the fic.

———

There’s a lot of ways you could ask this question. Some good ways, some absolutely awful ways- it all depends on how you decide to approach him and how you formed your words. As you’ve found yourself backed against the corner, lacking all other options, you decided that as you ask this somewhat big favor, it needed to be formatted perfectly. The least you can do is make the idea seem appealing in some way, lace it and sprinkle some sugar over the idea to make it tempting. 

But when you’re finally alone with him, the perfect opportunity presented to you, you botch it all up as you ask in the lamest way possible:

“Would you want to get married? To me, maybe?” 

Hop elegantly spits and drops the several important books he was holding, one of them hitting him right in the foot as they fall to the floor. He yelps at the pain and almost falls over in surprise before you quickly rush over and catch him, the two of you making awkward eye contact as you hold him as if it’s a dip for a dance. 

To make it better, you drop him on accident. 

His back hits the floor with a hard ‘thud’ and your hands fly up to cover your mouth as you gasp. 

There were better ways to ask that question, and there were definitely better reactions to said question. You take half the credit for how horribly this went. The other half went to Hop and his lack of grace, because he’s always been like that, and you can’t control his explosive reactions to things. 

Except you know the man well, so you should have predicted he would’ve at least slipped. So, fine, you take two thirds of the credit. 

“I’m so sorry, Hop!” You apologize, and then you apologize again as he groans from his spot on the ground and he fumbles underneath him, holding a book that he most definitely landed on as well, “I’m so, so, so sorry, oh Arceus,” 

“Married?” Hop coughs, sitting up and fixing the glasses that sit on his face. Thankfully, they didn’t fall off- you would’ve felt even worse if that was the case. His golden eyes are shining and squinting in confusion as he looks up at you- “why- why? ...Why?” He sounds like a broken record, but you can hardly blame him as your body deflates with a sigh. 

Why, indeed. 

“You know how I’m from Hoenn?” You offer your hand and Hop takes it, his long and slender fingers almost engulfing your hand in size as you help him off the ground. Your friend nods at your question, beginning to pick up the scattered books, and you quickly move to help him. “And you know how I have really pushy parents who really don’t like that I moved here?” 

“Well, yes,” Hop comments, and he thanks you under his breath as you hand him the books that you picked up. “But that- that doesn’t explain why- married?”

You give Hop a sad look. “It’s not like I’m a fan of it either. My parents don’t control me, and I know that. I moved here for that very reason- to prove that they could never control me. But then some… legal issues came up.” 

“Legal issues?” Hop’s eyebrows raise. 

“It’s all bogus!” You practically explode as a reply, and Hop’s eyebrows raise even further up his forehead and you freeze. “Sorry,” you mumble, your tense shoulders going down as you sigh again. Truthfully, you haven’t been able to talk to anybody about your situation yet, so the stress is starting to pour out all at once and you have to try and reign it in. “I’m sorry I brought it up in such a bad way, too. Can we- sit? For a minute?” 

Hop frowns with a nod and the two of you descend the staircase in Sonia’s lab, heading to the table next to the entrance. Once the two of you have sat down, you explain to Hop as best you can. 

You tell him how your parents both owned a somewhat successful company that’s been passed through the generations, and because it was family-owned, you apparently had responsibilities as ‘heir’ to the company. You refused, moving to Galar just to prove how much you didn’t want to be stuck managing a Pokeball production company, and that’s where the trouble came into place for you. It didn’t matter how far you ran from Hoenn and your parents; because they had signed your name on pretty legal papers without you even knowing it that you would take their place once they retired. You could go all the way down to the place you grew up to talk with a lawyer to reverse those papers and their implications, but your chance of getting sued was higher than winning in court against your parents. You’re also not sure how much you want to go to court with your parents, anyway- the fact they signed something under your name without your consent was wildly illegal, but you don’t have the guts to punish them for it. 

This is where the marriage part came in. Your parents said that if you could prove you had a life in Galar worth living (in their old minds, that was a spouse with a successful job that could ‘take care of you’, maybe some children, or a fancy job you couldn’t get anywhere else like being the god-damn president of Marco-Cosmos or some impossible goal like that), they would take care of the issue themselves and leave you alone. So, that was your situation. 

Get married, move to Hoenn and work at your family’s company, or get sued. And you already told your parents that you were planning to get married this summer. 

When you’ve finally finished explaining to Hop, he takes a big breath and lets it out slowly with an expression that can only be described as a wince. “That’s… Mate, that sucks.” He says simply, and you couldn’t agree more. 

“It does,” you groan with a long frown, your hands folding together atop the white table. “So… I know it’s a lot to ask- but if… If you’d be willing to help me with this, it would mean so much to me. And it’s not like we’d have to be married forever!” You quickly explain to him. “Just until they get rid of those completely-illegal papers. Once that’s done, we can get divorced and go back to being friends like normal.” 

Hop squirms in his seat, humming unsurely as his arms move across his chest. “___, I’d love to help, but…” His eyes go back and forth between you and the wall. “Are you sure you’d want me to help you? You said your weird parents are looking for a successful partner. I’m not exactly sure I fit that description. I mean, if we talked about it, we could probably convince Leon-” 

(As much as it grosses him out to suggest such a thing...) 

You quickly interrupt him before he can even finish. His arms drop from their defensive hold, eyes widening in surprise when you steadfastly refuse.

“No! No,” a nervous fit of laughter escapes you, “no way. I am not marrying your brother, even in this kind of situation. Like, sure, the fancy title of ex-Champion is nice and all, but it’s also… Leon.” You shake your head several times. “No.” 

Despite himself, Hop finds himself laughing too. “Yeah,” he smiles, “that’d be a bit too much for me to handle, anyway.” 

(It’s embarrassing to admit how relieved he is by how much you hate that idea, too.)

“Glad we’re in agreement, then. And, honestly, Hop-” it’s a bit of a bold move, but you reach forward and grab one of his hands as gently as you can. His eyes widen some more and there’s a pretty blush on his cheeks when you do, and you’d tease him normally, but not now. “In my mind, you’re plenty successful. And even if my parents don’t agree- that’s not the point. I’m sure as long as I’m married, they’ll change their minds. And I-” now you’re the one blushing as you finally look away from his golden eyes, “-I want it to be you. I’d- I’d be really… really thankful if it was you.” 

The suggestion- the mere idea of it was ridiculous and outlandish, you knew that. Of course you knew that- but you’re at your wit’s end. This is the last option that you feel could work to get them to leave you alone for good. 

Silence grows between the two of you, along with the tension in the room, tighter and tighter as Hop takes longer and longer to reply. As time ticks away, you grow more aware of the mortification growing in your belly and how you’re still holding his hand- eventually you have to let go as you quickly curl into yourself as best you can and put your hands in your lap. 

...At some point, you’re somewhat convinced that you’ve broken your best friend. He’s probably trying to find a way to tell you he can’t- which- which is fine. That’s fine, and you expected as much. There’s other people you can ask, really… So you’re not disappointed. Not at all. Slowly you stand from your chair, taking a deep breath as you bite your lip. “I get it- it’s definitely okay that you can’t. I should probably go before I make things even worse-” 

At the sound of your voice, Hop jumps in his seat, and he looks up at you with furrowed brows. Quickly, he stands up too- “No- I-” he stutters, gripping his chair so hard that his knuckles turn white, “no, that’s… I can do it.” 

Now it’s your time to stutter as you look at him wide-eyed. “R-really? You will?” 

(He can’t breathe.)

He smiles, wobbly and genuine as a small laugh escapes him. “Yeah. I’ll- yeah, I’ll marry you.” 

In a rush of pure happiness and genuine shock, you jump in place and wrap your arms around Hop’s neck. He stumbles back in surprise, one of his hands wrapping around your back to keep you steady as you almost squeeze the life out of him. “Hop! Thank you- thank you so much!” 

“No- No problem! It’s not a problem!” Hop laughs, his face and ears feeling awfully hot, and his arms slowly wrap around you as you keep embracing him. “Happy to help,” he nervously swallows. 

(Definitely happy to help.)

——— — ——— 

Hop can’t breathe. 

It’s hard to believe any of this is real, honestly. Getting engaged to you- hell, Hop hadn’t even gotten the courage to ask you out on a date, and here he was, engaged. Under unfortunate circumstances, yes, but you’re literally his fiancé. That’s a real thing. Technically speaking. 

It’s solidified when you bring him a ring from your house- a simple silver band for the two of you. For some reason, probably because Arceus wants to laugh at him some more, the ring fits perfectly, and just looking at your matching rings makes his belly do awkward flops. 

Eventually, you’re going to have to fill everyone in on your situation. Which is going to be even worse. Hop makes sure to appreciate the days that pass when no one knows. 

And then Leon comes to visit him at work and he ruins it. He ruins everything. Because like the dunce his brother is, he sees the ring, and he asks, “when did you get a ring?” 

And like the dunce that Hop is, he replies, “when I got engaged.” 

And he’s never felt his soul leave him so fast. An odd feeling that is, really. It’s as if he got frozen from the inside out, no warmth left as he just stands there and wishes that someone would come and push him over so that he’d break and shatter into a million little pieces. Sorry, ___, he couldn’t marry you to help you out with your crappy parents anymore, because now he is dead. 

Except he’s not really dead because he can hear Leon’s hacking and coughing as clear as day from the other end of the lab. 

“Just kidding!” Hop whips his head around fast enough that his glasses almost fall off as he looks at Leon, his face successfully several degrees warmer than it should be. “That was a joke!” 

“No, it wasn’t!” Leon stands quickly and rushes over, and Hop tries to back away but his left hand is already in Leon’s as his brother looks at the ring as if to make sure that it’s real. “It’s on the right finger and everything! Who on Galar are you marrying?!” Leon looks up from the ring to Hop’s eyes, and Hop still can’t breathe. 

“Um- u- um, I- I-” 

“Hey, Hop!” The door to the lab opens. Perhaps, Hop thinks, he really is dead, and this is just the unfortunate afterlife he was shoved into. This isn’t real. Surely that’s not you walking through the door, bringing him lunch like you said you would earlier today, in a text that he had completely forgotten about until this moment, “I brought you lunch!”

Surely not. 

Leon gasps as he drops his brother’s hand, and dramatically, he points at you. “It’s you, isn’t it?!” He asks gleefully, and he looks back at his brother with a big, stupid smile- “when did you-”

And Hop starts laughing, very, very loudly, “___! You brought lunch! Guess who knows about our agreement!” He enunciates the word ‘agreement’ and promptly elbows his older brother in the gut before he quickly runs away and over to you, taking the plastic containers out of your hands happily. “Can you help explain it to him before I go jump off the nearest bridge?” 

He’s not feeling like he’s kidding, but you laugh anyways as you hold up your own left hand, showing it to Leon. “Pretty neat, huh?” You sing happily, and Hop busies himself with setting up the table for lunch instead of focusing on how embarrassing it is that you sound happy to be fake-married to him. Not real-married, fake-married. It’s an important difference. “It’s all a ruse though, as sad as I am to tell you.” Your hand lowers as you place it on your hip. 

“A ruse?” His brother asks, and he walks over and takes your hand just like he did to Hop so he can inspect the ring. 

Hop leans over and smacks Leon away from you with a glare and his brother snickers. 

“Yeah. Hop agreed to help me out, really. I’m stuck in this weird moral decision to not throw my parents behind bars over legal complications,” you shrug, “but getting married is basically what’s going to shove it all under the rug. Long story short.” 

“Huh.” Leon says, placing his own hands on his hips as he stands still, taking in the information. His eyebrow hooks up as he gives Hop a look, “you’re really okay with that? Well, I guess you would be. Y’know, considering.”

“You’re hilarious,” Hop smiles, but his voice is strained and so is the smile. Instead of entertaining his brother further, he sits at the table and you sit across from him, opening your container and digging in. Oblivious to the tension your best friend carries and how he stares at Leon. 

I’ll kill you, he mouths, and Leon smiles in return. 

“Well,” the ex-champion dusts his hands off, “I can see I need to leave the engaged couple alone so they can enjoy their lunch. And other things, probably, that need to be done in private,” 

“Ha HA,” 

“So I’ll take my leave!” Leon heads for the door and Hop lets out a sigh of relief- until his brother points at him, door open mid-way- “I expect you to call me later. Bye, in-law!” 

And then he leaves. Finally. You look Hop’s way, smiling as you take another bite of your curry. “So, looks like we’ll finally have to fill everyone in, huh?” 

Looks that way. 

——

Once you told everyone who needed to know (his parents and your shared friends), Hop knew for sure that he was in over his head when he first agreed to this. Because explaining it- having everyone jump in glee and surprise at the words ‘we’re engaged!’ only to deflate in confusion as you both hurried to say ‘but not really!’ 

You’d think the two of you would have found a better way to explain it, but you didn’t. 

Having to live through it, though- it was dreadfully awful. Not because Hop was saving it all- the genuine, lovely way that his mother first gasped and his father had frozen- the moment in his mind a beautiful picture that he definitely did not think about all the time. Because it’s not like Hop had only dreamed about this happening to him one day, and it’s not like it killed him when he could finally tell his parents that he’d found someone who loved him unconditionally, only for it to all be fake. As if Hop really needed to hand them another reason to be disappointed in him. 

But no, they were proud. They were happy he was helping you. They told him as much. 

But he didn’t forget those reactions. He didn’t forget how their eyes glistened, and he didn’t forget how they shattered. 

Once that was all over, it was established that the two of you would be having a small ceremony just to help convince your parents that this was a real marriage with real love. True love. 

Except you didn’t love Hop, and Hop surely didn’t love you- but they couldn’t know that. So there was going to be a ceremony. 

You and him. A priest between you. Speeches filled with words- fake words, lovingly beautiful hoaxed words. And then you’d put on your wedding rings, and then you’d kiss. 

Married. You’d be married on August 10th. Isn’t that nice? 

A beautiful summer day. 

——

“I do not envy that kid.”

It was shortly after you and Hop had visited Hammerlocke where you asked everyone to meet up for your news that Raihan finally broke the ice. Leon sighed beside him, along with Sonia who was frowning into the cup she drank from. 

“It’s so horribly obvious,” She says. “He talks about them constantly at work. And he’s been a mess this past week.”

Nessa hums, crossing her leg on the park bench she sat on and letting her head fall back as her hair flowed through the breeze. “I guess you’d see it up close, huh? How he’s so head over heels.” She opens an eye to look at Leon. “Have you talked to him? It’s nice that he wants to help, but maybe it’s not the best idea.” 

Leon shrugs, crossing his arms at his chest. “Honestly, he’s grown up now. He knows full well what he’s getting into. But I did call him personally once I found out,” he purses his lips. “His denial is impressive.” 

Raihan laughs as he hangs his head low, shaking it back and forth. “You fucking suck,” he wheezes. “You should really try to talk him out of this.” 

“Shut it!” Leon shoves Raihan who sways just barely, “I gave him my big brother speech, but I’m done now. He doesn’t want me bringing it up, so I won’t. He’s been stifled enough because of me as is.” The ex-Champion picks up his own cup that sat on the table they all surrounded, and he downs the rest of the contents inside. “So he’ll do as he pleases. I’ll be here if it goes south.” 

Sonia hums, her shoe rubbing at the grass unsurely. “If you say so…”

“It’ll be fine. Trust me.” 

“Oh, sorry I forgot to trust the guy who’s never dated anyone before,” Raihan snorts. 

“Yeah but I could nail your mum if I wanted to,”

“I dare you!” 

“I’ve got her number, I could do it right now!”

Laughter fills the park.

——

As the date for your wedding nears, you bring it up more and more. As you would, because even if it’s fake, there’s questions to ask and things to prepare for. Obviously you hadn’t done this before and neither had Hop, so… how do you put together a fake wedding in the first place? 

“We probably shouldn’t invite anyone,” you say as you lean back on your couch, your feet propped up and crossed at the ankles on your coffee table. “Or should we? For pictures? Memories?” 

“Are you sure you’ll want to remember this?” Hop raises an eyebrow at you. He flips the pen in his hand, notepad sitting on his lap. “We’re going to divorce just a few months after it all.” 

“Well, that’s true,” you shrug, “but we’re still getting married. Shouldn’t we make it fun? It could be a party.” 

Hop squirms. “I don’t know,” he says, but his tone makes it clear and you smile at him reassuringly. 

“It’s okay to say no, Hop. It’s your wedding too, you know!” 

“Kind of.” 

“Not kind of. It’ll be legal and everything- we should both be happy with it. So no guests? Or pictures?” 

He bites his lip. He’d like to say ‘let me think about it’, but truthfully, there’s no time. Decisions have to be made now. “It might be weird if it’s just us and a priest. We may as well go to the courthouse if it was just that, so...” he comments softly, and you beam. 

“True! Maybe we’ll just invite a few people. Ten, tops.” 

...Ten is probably around the exact number of everyone Hop knows. He doesn’t know a lot of people. And he already knows everyone you’re going to want to invite- the only people it makes sense to invite- and Hop squirms some more in his seat as he swallows the bile in his throat.

“Sounds good!” Hop smiles instead of vomiting like he wants to. “We should find some chairs and stuff too, then. Order a pizza maybe. No cake.” 

“No cake,” you laugh. “That’d be too much. Maybe we can slice the first slice of pizza together, though?” 

“You better not put pizza on my face.” Hop frowns, and you burst out laughing. 

...He laughs a bit too. He can’t help it when you look so happy and upbeat. He should really be more like you- Hop doesn’t know why he’s so tense. 

“I won’t! I swear. As long as you promise not to do it either- we’re going to be married so you can’t lie!” 

“Of course. I’d never.” He gives you a promising nod, and then his eyes light up as he thinks of something new. “...Should we dress up?” 

“Oh, right,” you hum and look at the ceiling as you ponder. “Well, you would look cute in a tux.”

Hop furrows his eyebrows in worry, “I don’t think I even own a tux.” 

“...Me neither,” you snort. “But we should probably dress up, right? Especially if we invite people. Even if it’s for a pizza party.” 

He can’t believe his first wedding is being described as a pizza party. Probably his only wedding. 

Isn’t that funny? 

“I guess I can see if I can borrow anything from Leon… he might have something that fits.” 

“Great! I’ll look around, too,” and that idea absolutely doesn’t give him more of those awkward stomach flips that he’s been feeling all week. Seeing you dressed up and looking gorgeous as you stand across from him, kiss him? Hop thinks that there’s no way this could end badly as he anxiously fixes the glasses on his face. “Let’s plan more on how we’ll decorate the backyard- we can have the ceremony there! And then we should both get our clothes planned, then the food, and we can ask Raihan to be our picture guy so we’ll have something to show my parents-“ 

There’s no way that this could end badly. 

——

It’s August 10th. 

It’s 9:43am on August 10th, specifically, and Hop didn’t sleep at all last night. Not even a wink. How could he? 

He distracted himself instead. His suit that he borrowed from Leon has probably been ironed 50 times by now, his house is sparkling clean- cleaner than it's ever been, and he even emptied some boxes and threw away the things he’d been meaning to get rid of for months. Hop did possibly everything and anything he could just so he could stop thinking about how he was getting married today. 

It shouldn’t be a big deal. And it’s not. Because, Hop reminds himself again, you’ll be divorced and back to being normal friends in a few months, just like you said. Just like you wanted.

But what does Hop want? 

That’s why he’s cleaning. 

You decided that the party, the wedding, will take place at 2pm. That’s only a few more hours. The two of you spent all day yesterday decorating the backyard, so that was all finished. All you had to do now was step in front of the official looking people and make it... official! 

Easy peasy, Hop says to himself. He’s been standing still, staring at himself in the mirror for the past hour, and it’s easy peasy. 

Then the doorbell rings. 

It doesn’t process at first, so the doorbell rings again, and Hop slowly raises his head at the sound. He looks at the hallway outside his room, toward where the sound came from- and then his limbs go into motion as he walks toward the door. Who could it be? Maybe it was you, wanting to check in with him one more time if he was sure about this, and Hop would say he was definitely sure and then he’d joke that he’s not supposed to see you before the wedding, and then- 

When Hop opens the door, his brother is on the other side, and Hop doesn’t think he’s ever fallen apart so quickly before. 

Honestly, Hop wonders if he broke a record. How fast the tears and snot came, how quickly and harshly he crumpled to the ground- it’s got to be worth something. With how fast he was breathing in, in, in- how couldn’t it be? He definitely broke a record of some kind. 

Leon holds him securely- squeezing Hop to his chest as he follows his sibling to the ground, and he lets Hop sob all over him as he stays quiet. Quieter than he’s ever been, because Leon always has something to say, but not now as Hop cries and cries and cries- loud enough that he’s probably notified all of fucking Wedgehurst that he was definitely sure about this! Absolutely sure, happy to help. 

Happy to give you everything while he receives nothing? Yes. Because his whole life has been like that. 

So why’s he crying so hard? 

Leon’s hand is stable, heavy, and warm as it rubs Hop’s back. The movement is gentle and lulling, and Leon’s chest moves in a hypnotic matter as he slowly inhales deep and exhales just as deeply- over and over until Hop finds himself following along. Following along… he does that a lot. 

The panic spikes up again, and so does the hyperventilating, so they start all over again. 

Over and over, as many times as they have to, until Hop is simply shaking and exhausted as he’s cried all his tears into the fabric of Leon’s clothes. Which, he’s realized, is just a faded hoodie and some track sweats. Despite himself, Hop snorts and croaks. “You can’t come to my wedding if this is what you’re wearing.” 

Except that’s a joke. He can still absolutely come. Leon has to come, and Hop doesn’t care if he’s wearing only boxers. As long as he’s there. 

“Don’t worry,” Leon says as he loosens his hold on Hop, hands moving to securely hold his arms as he leans back and smiles at his brother. “I saved my fancy clothes for later, they’re with me. I had a feeling I’d need to be prepared for something like this when I came to see you. Aren’t I smart?” 

Hop sniffs and laughs when Leon wipes at his wet cheek. “I guess so.” 

“I know I am, you don’t have to say it,” Leon grins, and he grunts as he starts to stand, bringing Hop up with him. “Come on now, up you get. We’ve got a wedding to get ready for.” 

“Does it have to be mine?” Hop asks and Leon wraps an arm around his shoulders, walking them out of the doorway and finally closing the door behind them. 

“Afraid so, Hop. Afraid so.” 

——

Things are still scary, but it’s a bit more manageable with Leon by his side. The crying session was embarrassing, yes, but needed. Leon practically threw Hop in the shower afterward, which was also very needed, and then when he’s finished, Leon had cooked a hearty looking breakfast for them both. Which they demolish. 

It was mediocre and there were some eggshells in the pancakes, but that’s to be expected if Leon did all the cooking. 

Then Hop gets dressed in his suit that his brother lent him and puts in his contacts, and Leon coos and calls him handsome. Hop shoves him, telling him to quit it, but he appreciates it nonetheless. Not that he’d say that, really, but he thanks his brother genuinely for being here with him. 

Leon’s eyes soften at that and he mutters ‘of course I’m here’, and then they move on. 

Time flies a lot faster when it’s not just Hop and his muddled thoughts. Sooner than he’d realize, it was a quarter to 2pm, so it was time to leave. Leon asked him if he was ready, Hop said he was definitely not ready, and Leon laughed as the two walked over to your house. It was a short walk, which was appreciated, because they’re both walking in public with fancy suits on and Hop doesn’t like the looks they get. Especially from that one girl who was walking her Yamper. 

He could kill that girl for looking at him so funny. 

“I can’t believe you’re taller than me now,” Leon says with his nose scrunched up and a frown on his lips, right as they’re about to approach your doorstep. Hop smiles, his ego successfully lifted at his brother's words. 

“That might be the only thing I’m winning at with you,” 

“That’s not true,” Leon shakes his head with a raised brow, “you’re also about to get married. I’ve never even dated anyone.” 

Hop rolls his eyes at that, digging his hands as deep as he can in the silky pants pockets of his suit. “Hardly. I’ll get divorced before you too, so that’s really an achievement I’ll want to brag about to the family.” He scoffs and Leon elbows his side gently. 

“It doesn’t have to be like that, you know.” 

The two brothers are in front of your house now, but Hop comes to a stop when Leon does and he looks at him strangely. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“It means that you’re in love with that person,” Leon looks toward the door, then back at him as he shrugs, “and you love them so much you’re going to marry them in order to help them out. But just because it’s a marriage of convenience doesn’t mean it can’t turn into something different.” 

Hop frowns at that. He hadn’t ever entertained that idea, and that was on purpose- he doesn’t need to get his hopes up, only to be crushingly disappointed. “We haven’t even dated. It’s- it’s ridiculous to stay married, even if they felt that way toward me.” Again, his brother shrugs. 

“Is it? Sounds awfully convenient to me.” 

“And so the marriage of convenience stays convenient… right.” 

“But it’s true!” Leon laughs, “look, I’m not going to act like I know what I’m talking about. I don’t. But don’t let this crush you. Everything has the opportunity to turn out amazing.” He places a hand on Hop’s shoulder, holding it securely as he looks into Hop’s eyes. Gold meeting gold- the two are practically identical, but so different. 

“Hop. You’re my brother, and I love you. And as your brother, I’m going to tell you something very important,” Leon leans in close, and Hop does the same. “You can make this into something amazing.” 

And then he slaps his brother’s shoulder, making Hop cry out in shock from how hard he hit with a look of betrayal on his face and Leon throws his head back with a barking laugh. The laughter is loud enough that you finally open your door, seeing the two brothers shoving each other on your doorstep, making you raise an eyebrow. “Look who it is!” You smile, their heads snapping toward you. You hold a hand out for Hop- it takes him a second to realize it’s for him, and when he does, he shyly takes it and you tug him toward you. “My husband-to-be and my brother-to-be. It’s about time you showed up.” 

Leon smiles brightly at you, skipping to meet you with a kiss on the cheek which you return. “Good to see you! And I heard there would be,” Leon lowers his voice, “pizza?” 

You meet his serious gaze, nodding firmly. “The best in town,” you tell him, and Leon whoops as he moves past you and Hop to enter your house. 

Beside you, Hop remains quiet, and it’s not until you squeeze his hand that he jolts in place and looks down at you with wide eyes. 

“You’re looking handsome,” you smile at him and Hop almost combusts. Why are you holding his hand, anyway? He’s sweating buckets. 

“Y-you too! Great- you look great. Really good. Better than me.” 

Hop sucks. 

But you smile even wider anyway, your own cheeks heating up in a beautiful way. “Thank you,” you say gently, and all of Leon’s words of advice from his apartment has flown right out of his head. Instead, it’s just- 

You’re in love with that person and you love them so much, you’re going to marry them. 

“We should head inside, before the great Champion becomes Champion of eating all of our pizza.” You break through his thoughts, tugging on Hop’s hands as you make a step to go inside. Normally, Hop would follow you right away, but he freezes as he holds you tighter and keeps you from leaving. His eyes are wide, and you give him a confused look. 

It’s a miracle he doesn’t stutter, but he sounds desperate as he asks you, “are you ready?” 

The question makes you stop in your tracks, and you grow quiet as you look up at Hop. He frantically searches your eyes- hoping to find an answer in them- and he wonders if this is how you felt when he went quiet when you first asked Hop to marry you. 

But then your blush deepens on your cheeks again and your eyes grow soft as your thumb gently swipes the top of Hop’s hand. “You know… I think I am. You?” 

A breathless sigh leaves him. Along with it is all of his ghosts, fears, and doubts- because suddenly Hop feels so much lighter. “Yeah,” he says, nodding just to solidify his answer more. “Yeah, I think I’m ready too.” 

The two of you enter your house, smiling and blushing, and the door closes behind the two of you. Ahead of you waits the beginning of something complicated, weird, and amazing. 

Hop thinks it’ll be amazing.

He really does. 

[talenevertold]

I love your love – untie it, entwine it (A KoiTsudu Fanfic)

Genre: Angst, Romance, Fluff, Smut... but mostly smut... I counted the pages, yes, I know the percentage  

***   ***   ***

It bugged him that she didn’t know how much he wanted her.

Or rather, she knew… to an extent.

They’ve been married for five months now, Nanase knew he had healthy sexual drive towards her… It’s just… she never grasped just how MUCH and how OFTEN he wanted her! His little soft wife, the most positive person he ever knew, who believed the best in the worst of people, who believed in herself professionally more and more each day – somehow, she’d managed to bypass building her self-esteem as a woman completely! In her world, Kairi was a god living on a pedestal of light and love, and she wasn’t worthy of him. In any way, shape or form. Especially, form.

***   ***   ***

He hated that part of himself so much! That part that didn’t know how to communicate this powerful, all-consuming need to have her, and hold her, and protect her and make her happy! Words! He needed words and the ones he had would always end up stuck in his throat or come out twisted. Nanase would startle, her eyes wide with worry, apologize in a deep respectful bow and get very quiet for a while. And he could almost see how she’d make yet another note in her mental notebook called ‘How not to upset my perfect husband, Volume 7 out of XX’.

Kairi Tendo, brilliant cardio surgeon, all around smart guy, was so dumb when it mattered the most! He vowed to himself so many times to hold his temper, to leash his arrogance and treat her better than that… but it was so damn hard! That stupid advice from long ago – to let life and work mix up and enjoy the chaos – was finally bringing results and not the ones he’d hoped for! Nanase was his wife, the most precious person whose smile and kind heart was vital to his survival – and yet she was also his nurse, quite promising and quickly improving specialist who cared too much, meddled enough, sometimes stood in the way and ever so rarely made mistakes. Teaching her, even reprimanding her, was a part of his job. And his personality was well suited for this, for being brutally honest and quick to judge. But Kairi couldn’t shake off the feeling that the same way Nanase brought her love and care for him to work – he’d bring his ‘sensei mode’ back home.

***   ***   ***

He yelled at her this morning. She was taking off the night shift, he was taking on the day shift, they’d cross paths only for her to update him and his day nurse on couple of critical post-op patients they had in the ICU. She’d stumbled with couple of overly-scientific words, took few moments too long to find the blood work results – and before he could catch himself, the devil in him called Tendo Nanase stupid. Out loud. In front of people. For real, this time.

She flinched, bowed, finished her report quickly and left. Without raising her eyes to him. And it hurt so much! And the fact that Nanase avoided his eyes because she believed to have disappointed him hurt that much more!

He was a demon indeed! Now he understood! Vile creature redeemed only by the fact that he had an angel for a wife… Whatever has he done in his previous lives to deserve her? Because Kairi was confident he did nothing significant enough to deserve her in this one! Or, alternatively, what could she possibly have done to deserve him as a punishment? Probably, not the case – Nanase was too bright of a soul to work off any past sins. She was light. And he was the monster.

***   ***   ***

At lunch hour, the nurse brought in a package. With his lunch box and a note from his wife. ‘Hope you’ll like this omurice, sensei. I promise to strive to be a better nurse… and a better cook. Remember to take care of yourself as you are very important to your patients and to me. Love, Nanase’. She’d also doodled little hearts and a smiling kitten. His ever-so-positive wife was trying to cheer him up.

Omurice was ok, but considering Tendo didn’t have breakfast this morning, it was amazing! While chewing on the chicken fried rice, he though absentmindedly that Nanase didn’t know how to cook omurice not so long ago. She must’ve added it to the long list of things she needed to learn in order ‘to be a better wife’ after he’d complimented the omurice they had at the restaurant this weekend. His wife would spend every waking moment free of studying or cleaning on googling recipes – for whatever reason Nanase believed it was her wifely duty to keep their home tidy and her husband well fed. Or, rather, she believed these were the skills she could master enough. For the rest of her ‘wifely duties’ Nanase was genuinely and heartbreakingly grateful to Kairi for ‘settling’ and ‘accepting her inexperience, clumsiness and shyness’. And it bugged him to no end how utterly wrong she was in this particular aspect! Of all the things! THIS was not him ‘settling’ for her, THIS was what surprised him the most straight from the beginning, how it’d hit him like a truck and knocked the breath out of him and he still couldn’t make sense of how MUCH and how OFTEN he couldn’t see straight and function properly because his body was filled with the NEED for his wife!

***   ***   ***

It wasn’t always like this for him. Kairi was never shy or anything but natural arrogance prevented him from developing deep enough connections for them to become physical – up until his university days. When you’re dealing with life and death on daily basis, things like ‘long-term’ and ‘waiting for the right time’ become less meaningful and less constricting. Sex becomes causality, something people do to relieve stress and have a bit of hormone rush. That is not to say Tendo Kairi was mundane about it – he took time and effort to become exceptional in it too, if not for anything other than being efficient and considerate of his partners.

But after Minori… he just didn’t care enough about life in general, other than lives of patients in his care. His physical excretion was dedicated to jogging and his hormones were forced to take a really long vacation.

Up until the point he’d met Sakura Nanase for the second time in his life.

Kairi couldn’t exactly pinpoint the moment when his general aversion to her antics turned into mild curiosity, then to soft appreciation and then, out of nowhere and all of a sudden, into majestic rainbow of feelings and emotions. And the least one Kairi expected was desire. Primitive, possessive, gut-wrenching lust for a little shy virgin with baby deer eyes and all the trust of the world shining in them! Nanase was so far away from his type that, as he ran towards her, his ‘type’ got lost behind the horizon and all that was left was her. Her forever-blushing cheeks, her soft hair, her clean scent… and his need to possess all of it, day and night, just him and always more!

***   ***  ***

Tendo Kairi was a practical man and once he’d realized that his girlfriend, Sakura Nanase, was ‘it’ for him – he’d accepted it and moved on. He never argued with himself regarding his ‘type’ and ‘standards’, never looked for faults in her appearance or tried to compare her with anyone from his past. He was forever grateful to Nanase for waking him up and proving he wasn’t dead inside – and that included his male drive.

However, that awakening soon proven to be too much to handle for normally cold-blooded and composed doctor. His naïve and inexperienced girlfriend knew she drove him mad with her mishaps and quirks… but she had no idea she drove him up the wall with desire just by being present!

It was so hard when they’d started dating…

That first time he’d kissed her and felt his entire body respond to her closeness… and how he stood behind her door thinking of the reasons to come in and do more ‘medical treatment’ kisses all over her skin… but then… Nanase was so pure, so innocent, so shook with all the events of that day… and so he waited.

The time she got jealous of Miori and tried letting him go… and he wanted to kiss her tears away… lock her in his arms and dispel her worries with the heat building up in his body…

And then hotel room… Her innocent plea to be gentle for her first time… Kairi held his breath when he felt Nanase approaching him… he prayed fervently… for her to do something, ANYTHING, to give him an excuse to respond… but also for her to keep her distance because he wasn’t sure he could be gentle with so much fire burning inside of him. So, when Nanase wished him ‘good night’ and felt asleep immediately after, Tendo was somewhat relieved… and hugely disappointed. And the chaste kiss he gave her that night did nothing to quench his thirst… again.

These moments were piling up and up and up… Until one day, about a week after Sakura was discharged after her accident… they played Jenga.

***   ***   ***

Jenga was supposed to be innocent enough game, something to keep Tendo focused on something else other than the girl beside him. That fresh-out-of-the-shower, wearing-loose-sweater-over-sports-bra girl with her hair still slightly wet and her skin still slightly flushed from hot water. She smelled of soap and happiness and that scent was making Kairi light-headed and heavy in the same time. The way she was biting her lower lip when she’d focused on her next move… the tilt of her head and dreamy expression when she was watching him… how was any of that not intentional, Tendo didn’t know!

Right before he was about to take out another risky block, Sakura tagged on her sweater to wipe out droplets of water rolling down her collarbones and sighted:

-          I probably should dry my hair after all…

Kairi refocused his gaze on her fingers sliding across the collar of the sweater. He opened his lips to respond and realized his mouth was too dry to talk. Sakura’s palm traveled back to the back of her neck and she’d stretched, swaying a bit in her sitting position. She looked at him and asked:

-          Sensei, please, wait till I’m back before you make your move, I need to see which one you took.

He nodded still not capable of coherent sounds. Nanase stood up and made half a step towards her bathroom when her knees buckled and she felt back down, landing inches away from him. She tried to break her fall by grabbing Tendo by the shirt but only ended up bumping their foreheads together. Sakura yelped and rubbed her forehead quickly, all while chattering her apologies:

-          Ah, sensei, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry, my leg fell asleep and I stumbled and I..! I’m so clumsy, sensei, it was all my fault!

Her eyes were fixed on his forehead, assessing the damage she thought she’d caused. Sakura looked back into his eyes, her voice a little raspy with worry:

-          Do you have a headache? Feel dizzy? Loosing focus in your vision?

Tendo noticed her eyes searching his face – his little nurse was assessing him for signs of brain trauma. He was about to make a comment that her head, no matter how hard, could not have damaged him that much… and then a memory crossed his mind. He did the same thing tree weeks ago… searched her eyes for pupils dilation, checked her pulse… she assured him she was fine back then… and he trusted her… and almost lost her…

Barely visible scar on her forehead will soon fade and be concealed by the hairline. She was back to work already and perfectly healthy. Yet, he couldn’t shake off the dread that broke into his chest and froze over his heart. He could have lost her. Not a single doctor in their hospital told him ‘It’s going to be ok’. Because he would know they were lying. And none of them was sure enough to tell him the truth. He could have lost her.

Stark contrast between cold spreading through his limbs and her warm presence so near him made Tendo shiver. Nanase noticed and took her fingers off his forehead:

-          What is it, sensei? How can I help?

The sincerity, the plea in her voice, so gentle, so honest, so in love… broke the ice that was binding him. Tendo grabbed her by the waist and hugged her tight to his chest, making her straddle his thighs. Nanase stilled for a second and then instinctively tried to pull away, too embarrassed by this new closeness to male body. Kairi didn’t let go, instead borrowing his face into crook of her neck, inhaling deeply her sweet, pulsing scent. So intoxicating, so alive!

-          Shh, Sakura, please…

The girl in his arms stopped struggling and he felt her feather-like touch hugging him around the waist. She whispered softly:

-          Tell me, what do you need?

Kairi turned his head and planted soft kiss just behind her ear, eliciting half-sight, half-moan out of his beloved captive. He did it again, tracing kisses down her neck, feeling her chest rise and fall quickly as her breathing became quick and shallow. Sakura’s fingers clutched his shirt from behind, digging into his back and injecting his nerves with electricity and short-circuiting his muscles. Tendo clenched his teeth before he could bite the tender skin on her shoulder and said in barely audible voice:

-          Please… just… please…

Sakura brought one of her hands and rested in between his shoulder blades, patting his back a little. That was probably supposed to be reassuring and calming motion but seeing how it flushed her body against his and she was still straddling his thighs – it was anything but! Nanase, still frustratingly oblivious to the storm she was wrecking with her innocent movements, asked him again:

-          What? Sensei, did you say something?

Kairi straightened and caught her face in his palms, locking her eyes – her deep, baby-deer-big eyes – with his. There was no fear in them or discomfort – just trust and love, so, so much love! Kairi said in low steady voice, making sure she understood everything this time:

-          Stay. With me. Tonight… be mine.

She knew what he’d meant. Tendo felt her body stiffened as Sakura stopped breathing and her eyes shot even bigger than before. Something flashed across her face, something shy and scared. Kairi kissed her cheek, then the other, feeling her small form relax into his embrace. Her eyes were still worried though, so he asked softly not to spook her:

-          Do you… not want to?

It couldn’t be it, right? She tried to seduce him before, for God’s sake! But maybe… maybe it wasn’t the night? What if it wasn’t that ‘right time’ girls like her romanticized so much in their virgin dreams about Prince Charming? Or was it him… not being Prince Charming enough?

Nanase swallowed hard and Tendo’s heart stilled anticipating her answer:

-          I don’t want to, - Sakura bowed her head, averting his gaze and Tendo felt his blood stopping in his veins, - …disappoint you.

Tidal wave of relief almost knocked Kairi over and all the tension that was holding him in place escaped with a groan. He grabbed Sakura by the shoulders and shook her a bit, making her look at him again. It was still there, the fear he saw in her eyes! But his shy virgin girlfriend wasn’t scared of him or being with him this way – she was scared of herself! Of her inexperience… and her disappointing him.

To be honest, Tendo never engaged with younger women before specifically for this reason – he didn’t want the responsibility of being ‘the first one’ because of all the expectations and all the awkwardness attached. But with Nanase… his fragile and strong sakura flower… he cherished the honor of being the first one! And passionately hoped for the privilege of being ‘the only one ever’ in the future to come! To have her give herself only to him, to find his home inside her body and soul, to have and to hold… his Nanase, only his, his first and only Nanase!

Containing so much desire and love was getting too much for Kairi and he began to tremble. He closed his eyes, listening to blood thundering and beating like a drum in his head – his body’s demand to do something, ANYTHING, before he combusted!

Only then he looked at Sakura, realizing he still hasn’t said anything to her confession. She was biting her lower lip and glancing back and forth between him and the floor, waiting for some sort of judgement on her adequacy. ‘Am I not… sexy enough?’, his memory supplied. Why?! Why, oh, why would she ever doubt it? Did she not feel his body burning underneath her? Did she not hear his blood singing under her fingertips? Did she not see the hunger in his eyes, the primal need to devour here and now?

No, she didn’t. On the back of his mind, Tendo registered a snarky remark that experienced nurse was supposed to know the tell-tale signs of male arousal – especially, since he was showing all of them at once – but the bigger and smarter part of his brain shushed the demon away and supplied the answer – she really didn’t know! She wasn’t his nurse right now – Nanase was his girlfriend, young inexperienced woman he loved so much and wanted so badly his bones hurt! It would take some time for her – and some considerable effort from him – to show her just how sexy she was to him and how there was absolutely no way she could displease him in any way!

Tendo said, his voice hoarse and strangled:

-          Sakura… my, my Sakura! You can never, ever disappoint me!

-          But… um… sensei…

Tendo pressed a finger to her lips, momentarily transfixed with sensing her wet mouth under his touch. He rushed into the kiss, possessing her with unreserved passion, swallowing her surprised moan. Nanase swayed – not away from him but into him – and circled his neck, locking them into the frenzied kiss for as long as they could survive without air. Her lips parted in sigh and Kairi took the opportunity to taste her, to caress her tongue with his, inviting Sakura to respond. Her first movement was unsure, even lost… but Sakura was nothing if not persistent and eager to learn! She took her cues from Tendo’s labored breathing, groans rumbling deep in his chest – and soon she’d danced the dance too, meeting Kairi half-way, touch for touch and kiss for kiss!

Tendo broke away first, heaving like crazy and willing himself to release her hair – he must’ve left bruises on her sculp with how tightly he held her. But then again, she didn’t complain… Would she complain if he caused her pain?

Tendo shook his head to chase away this ugly thought and looked at Nanase. Evening settled around them and her face was only lit by the dim light of a nightstand lamp. Even so, Tendo could see that Sakura was bright shade of red and trying to blow some cool air down her chest without him noticing. Oh, he noticed! And no matter how proud Kairi was to bring her to this state over a short period of time, he was not about to cause his girlfriend a heat stroke on their first night together!

Kairi proposed tenderly, almost shyly, tugging on the hem of her sweater:

-          May I? Take this off, I mean…

He felt like he needed to add this little explanation as Nanase may think a whole range of things including him asking her to borrow the sweater. Tendo chose to be very specific about wanting to undress the woman in front of him and waited patiently for her to respond, still tagging on the sweater.

Nanase closed her eyes for a moment, her shoulders bunching in defensively… but when she’d opened them again, Tendo saw her determination to brace the challenge, as she nodded and raised her hands above her head. Kairi chuckled silently – his little hero was getting ready to be judged by him on the merits of her body and it probably took a lot to go for it like this – and he was more than ready to unwrap the gift he waited for since forever.

His hands dove under fabric to touch the warm skin. He started from the waistband of her sweatpants, palm tracing up the sides of her body, slowly, very slowly. Kairi tried to commit to memory the look on her face when he caressed her stomach with his thumbs… the way her eyes rolled a bit when he draw lines around the sides of her breasts… how Sakura leaned into him when he was tugging the sweater over her head… and then she was free. And he was doomed.

She was perfect. Sakura, his woman-to-be, was perfect. She wasn’t too thin, so no bones were sticking out anywhere – instead, soft curves of her belly immediately gave Tendo all kinds of biting fantasies and an urgent desire to mark her that way. Then he’d noticed she had a scar – just under the left collarbone – and Kairi made a mental mark to ask Nanase about it later. Her breasts, still clad in sports bra, were not too big and just the right size to fit into his palm – they teased him to check the fit right away with how they were dancing under his unblinking gaze and with Sakura’s nervous breathing. His hand twitched uncontrollably but stilled in the air. There was something he had to do before that… right? What was it?

Tendo looked at his hand suspended between them, looked at Sakura’s waiting face, noticed how she’d pressed her lips together as if trying to keep some words from spilling out – and it dawned on him. He exhaled, putting all the conviction and passion in his body into this answer to her unspoken question:

-          You are so beautiful, Sakura. And you are so sexy, I am… it’s hard to breathe…

His hand came back to his body, clutching the front of his shirt, trying to untie the knot of nerves and anticipation tangled in his chest. He looked back at Sakura, trying to see whether she’d believed him earlier – but she was looking at his chest, her eyes squinted, as if considering something. When Sakura met his gaze again, Kairi raised an eyebrow questioningly – was she really checking for some another symptom regarding his problems with breathing? Now?!

Sakura surprised him by touching her fingers to the top button on his shirt:

-          May I?

The problem with breathing may well kill him seeing how he’d stopped doing that altogether! Nanase… wanted to… undress him! Kairi nodded, both his hands falling to the floor beside him to ground in for the tornado spiraling around.

Sakura unbuttoned his short meticulously, practically, tugging a bit to get to the buttons hidden inside his suit pants. When the shirt finally split in the middle, she touched her right hand to Kairi’s throat, softly tracing the veins, the hollow, down the middle of his chest, circling the bellybutton – until she touched the belt buckle. Sakura followed the same path again, this time with both hands on his body, splaying her fingers wide to touch as much of him as she could. She didn’t go far for when her nails grazed his nipples, Tendo hissed and launched towards her. His vision was blurry, his body taught as a bow string – and his virgin seducer looked at him with almost scientific interest! Tendo licked her mouth and sucked in the lower lip, making Sakura dig her nails into his chest again. She whimpered in protest when Kairi released her but then he’d whispered into her lips:

-          Do it again.

Sakura tried kissing him but Kairi leaned back. She caught him by the neck, and he resisted still. He wanted something of her – and Sakura gave in:

-          Do what again?

Tendo unclenched her arms from around his neck and brought her hands to his chest. He leaned in, his lips brazing her shoulder, his voice low and needy:

-          Nails… again… please…

Instead, Nanase pushed him back so she could look at him and he could look at her. She crooked her head as if thinking something over, her fingers flexing ever so lightly over his flamed-up skin. Sakura bent her head, her lips trembling, and kissed one of the red marks on his chest, making Tendo throw his head up and moan loudly. He forgot all about his previous plea – wet sloppy kisses worked too, yes, please, more!

Sakura kissed him again, and again, and again… Tendo’s fingers grabbed shabby carpet so tight his knuckles became white – he was trying so hard to control himself when all he wanted was to throw her down on the floor and consume her whole, make her fall apart under his body, claim her!

His control was running out and Sakura was not making it easy for him – her touches, her kisses, wet traces she left with careful licks of his skin were leaving invisible marks all over his chest, exquisitely pleasurable marks of her claim over him! Not able to hold off any longer, Tendo let go of the carpet – and was stopped midway by his lover’s uncertain voice:

-          Will you… teach me?

Tendo shook his head to clear it up, looking incredulously at his amazing temptress – was she still doubting her ability to turn him on? He rushed to answer before Nanase took his gesture the wrong way:

-          There’s only one rule to his game, Sakura. I’ll teach you… but you will also teach me, ok?

The look of surprise and confusion would’ve been comical… if Tendo could see past the fact that she was half-naked and in his arms. Nanase asked, focusing on her palm laying on his chest:

-          What can I teach you? I don’t…

Tendo quickly bent his head to snatch the rest of whatever ridiculous statement she was about to make with a kiss. He said just as quickly to stop this line of self-doubt:

-          Teach me about yourself, Nanase. If I do something you like – tell me. If I do something you don’t like – absolutely tell me, immediately! Promise me!

Nanase raised her head and looked at him. Not saying anything. Kairi pressed on:

-          Sakura, please, promise me! I need to learn how to be with you so I can teach you how to be with me… Please…

And then Sakura smiled. And that wasn’t her shy smile, her humorous smile or even her happy smile. It was the one Tendo haven’t seen before… Sakura’s first woman’s smile. Mysterious and knowing and seductive as hell! If only she knew how much power she held over him!

Sakura said with a nod:

-          I promise. And…

-          And?

-          Sensei, all the things we did earlier… I liked.

And that smile again. Kairi wondered if she was using it deliberately already, commanding spasms all over his frenzied body at will. If she knew, she was damn good at it! If she didn’t know – she was a natural!

 Then Sakura did something unpredictable, yanking her bra off in one quick, practiced move and tossing it aside. Tendo bent in half as if from the gut punch and froze, his eyes fixated on her naked breasts perking up at him invitingly. His hands reached out automatically and stopped so close… so close he could feel magnetic pull of her flash on his fingertips, like static charge.

-          May I? – he asked, his voice hopeful, pleading.

Sakura answered simply but with so much weight in her voice, leaning into his touch and closing the short distance:

-          Yes, please…

That touch felt like a shot of strong alcohol, spreading liquid warmth from his fingers directly to his neither regions, making all the throbbing and tension in his pants even more painful and urgent. Tendo grinded his teeth, adamant to not let his primal male brain take over – but it was near impossibility with Sakura’s tender flash so close to him, so willing, so responsive! She arched into his palm, her head thrown back in a deep moan when his fingers squeezed her pebbled nipples and tugged a little. Her hands shot up and Sakura grabbed his shirt collar for leverage, making Kairi loose his balance and drop on top of her, pressing her to the floor. Nanase gasped when their bodies touched, feeling tingling sensation sparkling all over her skin. Tendo detached for just a second to yank off his shirt making Sakura whine at the lost of his intoxicating presence over her body. She reached out to him:

-          Sensei…

Kairi came back, laying between her bent legs, cradling her head with one hand and searching all the soft and sensitive spots he could reach to with the other. He explored with abandonment, lost in his own world built of Sakura’s trembling and crushed whispering. Sometime through the haze of desires, each one more demanding that the other, he’s heard Sakura call out to him:

-          Sensei…

He breathed out:

-          Yes?

-          Sensei… teach me…

She placed her hands over his shoulders and tentatively followed the outline of his back muscles, digging her nails in just a little, the way he liked it before. Tendo bit into her shoulder, buckling into her body and seeing sparks behind tightly shot eyelids. He growled:

-          Sakura… later… I won’t… last.

She stilled underneath him, still holding him tight in her arms. Her felt her lips brush over his chest when Nanase whispered:

-          Then… what? Do I…

-          Trust me.

-          Always.

Her answer was immediate even though he didn’t form it as a question. He would never ask her that for Kairi knew that his little brave angel trusted him unequivocally, beyond any doubt and reason. Still, this admission of her purest love for him made something shift in him, cooling him off in a good way, giving him enough clarity to hold on just a little longer.

Kairi licked over the bite mark on her shoulder, tracing down along her collarbone, kissing her openly and hungrily. Her breasts tasted so sweet, her cherry-stone nipples so sensitive under his tongue and fingers – Tendo drank in her cries, her hopeless pleas for more, and more, and more… The way she’d grabbed his hair and pulled down to bring his lips to her wanting body… The way her hips grinded against his erection making Tendo almost cry with pain and pleasure…

Kairi made his way down her body excruciatingly slow, making sure to taste every piece of it, savor every spasm and every incoherent sound she’d make, every convulsive tug of his hair… When he finally reached the waistband of her sweatpants, Tendo looked up at Nanase – her lips swollen, eyes hooded, her expression dazed. Before he could ask yet another ‘May I?’, Sakura raised her hips and let go of his hair, placing her hands of the floor for balance. Tendo worked her sweatpants together with her underwear off, not taking his eyes off her face, looking for any glimpse of fear or confusion. There weren’t any. Nanase looked at him with trust… and anticipation… and challenge… and that smile again.

Tendo’s nostrils flared. Predator in him, primal male creature, detected new scent, something to be hunted till the end of the Earth. He finally looked down, to the little arrow of dark-brown curls contrasting so fine with her pale skin. Her legs were slightly apart, just enough of an angle to see where this arrow was pointing to… little droplets of moisture glistening in the dim lights of the room. That was the scent. Her scent that was only for him!

Gods, have mercy on him! The need to taste her and drink her up battled with equally strong need to be inside her right now, to get lost in her, to never come back… need to conquer, to own, to mark! Sakura, his Sakura, only his!

Sakura… the saving thought dropped on him like a handful of snow… his needs would wait! Her needs were more important now… they were more important always.

Kairi touched his hand to the dark triangle, enjoying the soft feeling of tight damp curls under his fingers. He pressed with his thumb down in the middle and when Sakura’s hips jerked, Tendo knew he’d found what he was looking her. He circled the little nub of nerves, teasing her with pressure and then almost letting go. Sakura covered her mouth with her palm, trying to muffle screams reverberating through her body – but Kairi took it away, repositioning himself lay to the side of her, hoovering over her face, whispering his words into her trembling lips:

-          Don’t, Nanase. Let me hear you.

Her circled her clitoris again, and again, flicked it – and Sakura moaned into his mouth:

-          Sensei… inside…

With her right hand Nanase yanked him down into feverish, all-consuming kiss, threatening remnants of Kairi’s self-control. Her left hand pressed on the lower part of her belly, trying to squeeze out that nagging feeling of something burning inside of her. The feeling increased with every touch of Tendo’s smart fingers, every circle he made added another rotation on a spring winding deep in her body. That spring was connected to every nerve, every muscle, every thought and every emotion within her, jumbling everything up in a fiery pit between her legs, making her cry out and into him.

Kairi knew the feeling. He knew what was missing inside her. That part of him that was missing also knew that, fighting its way out of constricting pants and into her eager body. But for now – Tendo was stronger!

Answering Sakura’s non-verbal pleas, Tendo touched two fingers to her entrance, pushing them inside slowly, knuckle by knuckle. He could’ve started with one, but she was so wet already, so wet! Her walls pulsed around his fingers, while he explored more with pressure, curling his fingers experimentally. At one point, Nanase sucked in her breath and bit her lip – and so Tendo stayed there, pressing on, learning the inside of her body like an instrument. He knew he could’ve done it quicker and more effective with his tongue between her legs, but that would robe him of a sight – and Sakura was a sight to behold! Tendo wanted – ney, he needed – to remember her right now, the first ever time he brought her pleasure, the beginning of her journey as a woman. His woman! Sakura’s eyes were open, but he didn’t think she saw anything… She’d stop breathing and start again with a throaty inhale… her lips moved but sometimes he couldn’t hear a sound… and sometimes only her sounds existed – her ‘ahhh’ and ‘yeeeees’ and ‘pleeease’ and ‘more’… Kairi’s favorite was ‘more’. She trembled and thrashed in his half-embrace… and then she’d stilled in half-raised arch… The spring reached its limit and unwinded with thunder rocking her body, replacing every cell of her body with a speck of light! And the feeling was so foreign yet so natural, it broke her in pieces and healed her, leaving her with numbing buzz! She suddenly felt so tired… so spent… yet she still wanted more!

The sound from above made Nanase open her eyes – Tendo looked at her victorious… and smug… and he was sucking on his fingers… and then Sakura remembered where those fingers were just now. She squeezed her eyes shot and slammed her thighs together – and heard Kairi chuckle:

-          Too late, baka… I already know what you taste like!

Sakura shook her head vigorously denying this thought from entering her mind – this was too scandalous to think of! Too intimate… too hot… she wanted it too much! And Tendo was too good at giving her ideas:

-          Next time you invite me to the ‘cream party’, we’re skipping directly to desert…

Nanase moaned, feeling heat pulling in her abdomen again, collecting traces of pleasure lingering in her body. She opened her eyes bravely and caressed his chest, tracing the outlines of his abs down to the ridge of his pants. Kairi tensed at the touched and hissed at his lover:

-          Sakura, wait…

-          Why, sensei?

-          Because… um… Oh, for fuck’s sake!

He sat up, dropping her hands off his body and groaned in frustration, yanking his hair with both hands. Nanase set up too, covering her breast shyly with one hand and reaching out to him hesitantly:

-          What is it, sensei? Did I do something…?

Tendo didn’t let her finish and take blame for his own stupidity – he caught her hand, opened it and planted a kiss to her palm, cradling his face in it. Nanase felt he was burning up, tremors shaking his body in waves – yet he tried breathing deeply to calm down. Why?

-          Sensei?

Barely audibly he said, apologetically:

-          I didn’t take any condoms… it was just a Jenga game… And Ryuko is home, I can’t go there like this…

By the end of it Kairi was almost crying, letting go of fantasies of her body around him. Until she took his face in both her palms and raised it to look at him:

-          Sensei, we’re both healthy, we’d just had our medical checkups and…

-          Nanase, it’s not only for…

-          … and I’m on a pill.

Tendo gulped, his eyes widening with found possibilities. Nanase took it as a question and rushed to explain:

-          It’s the hormonal treatment for…

-          I don’t care, - Tendo fell onto her, knocking her to the floor and swallowing the rest of her explanation with a deep searing kiss.

He did care. Kairi made a mental note to check on her medical condition later, consult with doctor Akai, their hospital’s top gynecologist, on whether it was the best treatment plan for whatever ailed her… but not now… now he was unimaginably grateful for this stroke of luck because it meant he didn’t have to stop now.

Kissing her felt different now. Now Tendo knew what she tasted like and could feel the notes of her intimate taste all over her skin. The scent of her arousal, tangy and spicy, tickled his nostrils, making his head spin as if he was drunk. He was drunk, actually – drunk on her naked body, splayed so openly beneath him, drunk on her hands drawing patterns on his skin, drunk on her touch when Nanase reached out and took hold of his belt buckle…

-          May I? – she whispered, mirroring his words from before.

Tendo buried his face in the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply and trying to calm the frenzy ranging in his chest. Was he ready for this? For her hands so close to where he wanted them the most? Would he be able to take it?

Having decide to test himself, Kairi stood up, taking Sakura by the hand to help her rise up. Sakura kneeled before him, sitting back on her heels, her hand reaching out to his belt again. Tendo nodded.

Sakura unbuckled the clasp, slightly surprised how smooth her movements were, as if she wasn’t shaking head to toe from the anticipation of what she was about to uncovered. Maybe, it was her medical training – she did undress people before, many times – or maybe she was already in the eye of the hurricane, where everything was deceptively calm and only whistling sound in her ears reminded her that she is about to be snatched off the ground into dangerous whirlwind of their combined passion. Shaking her head to focus on the task at hand, Sakura repeated Tendo’s approach from before, easing both his pants and underwear off his hips and letting them drop, pooling around his ankles. Kairi stepped out slowly and shoved the clothes aside – and stilled again. Sakura followed that movement and then raised her eyes up, slowly, admiring her sculpted calves, thighs and then…

Sakura saw naked men before; she was a nurse after all. But not anyone who was beautiful… and so visibly wanting. His male member throbbed and jumped a bit under her gaze, vain bulging alongside its very impressive length. Nanase suddenly felt her mouth watering just thinking of what it would taste like… if she were only to taste a little… just a tip…

Tendo’s hands, clenched in tight fists, were glued to his sides, stopping him from touching her. He waited for Sakura’s inspection to be over, giving her time to get used to him like this. But when he saw Nanase licking her lips, reaching out to him, to that part of him – he intersected her hand immediately! Sakura looked at him questioningly, her voice sounding from afar, as if she was lost in some hypnotic trance:

-          Why? I thought it was my turn…

Kairi saw a white light furiously flashing across his sight and his knees almost buckled. Her touch – he wanted it so much! But… but…

-          Because I would die, Nanase. I’ll explode…

She bit her lip, not sure what to do next. Tendo leaned in and raised Sakura by the waist, making her sit on the bed. Crouching before her, he kissed her lips, her arms, taking more time to thoroughly lavish her breasts in licks and kisses and bites – until her body relaxed from the disappointment of his refusal and she leaned back inviting him to continue. Tendo said softly, in between covering her skin with imprints of his mouths:

-          This time… I will… love you. Next time… you can… if you want to… love me.

Sakura didn’t quite understand that suggestion but was willing to go with whatever – as long as it meant this tension inside her kept rising as it did now… and long as his body was melting into hers like it did now… as long as his kisses were getting closer and closer to…

-          Agh… sensei… unnnn… what… aaaah… are…

-          Shh, Nanase… all of you… is mine.

Her taste was stronger than before, more vivid – it was burning him with white fire, bringing him pleasure he didn’t know was possible on the giving end of this play. Her fingers, lost in the trusses of his hair again, flexed in unison with her body movements, instinctive waves of her hips to press into his mouth. Tendo hummed and the vibrations translated into Sakura’s scream, broken and commanding:

-          More!

And this time, he had more! Kairi gave her one more wide lick and then covered her body, pressing Sakura into bed. Her legs circled his hips, aligning them perfectly, and they both felt when his hardness found an entrance to her wet softness. Tendo slowed down to a glacial pace, savoring the feeling of her body enveloping him, tugging him in, inviting… until he reached that resistance barrier, natural protective layer of her virginity. He tried warning her:

-          Nanase…

She nodded immediately and raised her hips as much as she could being weighted down by his body:

-          Come.

-          Nanase… it will…

-          I know.

-          Nanase… I can…

-          Kairi… come!

He wanted to say he could wait a little longer, letting her adjust to him. But hearing Sakura say his name, for the first time… exhaling it with so much love and tenderness… undid him. Tendo fell into her… her deep, waiting, accepting body, her warmth and passion… her whole self. His Sakura, his.

She jerked and he heard her whine. Something hot and wet touched his cheek, Tendo tuned and caught a glimpse of a single tear rolling down the side of her face before she looked away. Guilt took a squeezing hold of his heart for he has hurt the woman he loved, though it could’ve not been avoided. He pleaded, showering her face, her hair, her neck with kisses:

-          Nanase, my precious one, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… please, forgive me, please…

Tendo felt her arms enveloping him in embrace and rubbing soothing circles on his back – Sakura was consoling him! She smiled at him and he could almost believe that smile, if it wasn’t for the tension in her jaw from biting back the pain. Sakura said in overly calm tone:

-          Shh, sensei, I’m alright… it just… stings. I will be alright…

-          What can I do?

-          Move.

He was ready to be still for the rest of his life even if it killed him – so Tendo wasn’t expecting her command to move! He checked:

-          But wouldn’t it..?

-          It would… but it stings either way… and before… I liked it when you moved.

He needed no more invitations and permissions than that – instinct took over and lead him into rhythm, as old as time itself, picking up the pace when he felt Sakura respond to his thrusts with her own. At that moment only her body attached him to life, only she held the power to turn all of his pent-up frustration into pure blinding energy that drove him further, deeper, faster! He marched to the drum of pulse beating in his temples and to the sound of her cries, chanting his name with every breath… everything was there in his name falling off her lips – the urgency, the love, the explanation, the miracle… ‘Kairi… Kairi… Kairi… Kai... Kai... nnnnnn... Kai... ahhh... Kai... ohhhh... Kai... reeeee...'. And then he felt her tighten around him, her mouth falling open in a silent scream. So tight, so, so tight! Pulsing, wet, gliding, velvet… He should’ve stopped, should’ve waited – but then she commander again in the sweetest of commands:

-          Kairi… come.

One dive… another one… he heard her teeth rattle… another one… her nails dug into his asscheeks urging him to thrust impossibly deeper… one more, hard…  her bed shaking dangerously under his rush… and another, and another… And lightning struck through his spine! ..and the world seized to exist, and only blazing hot stream of energy rushed through his body, collecting everything he was to give to her! To press it into her, again and again, so he could stay in her forever, and be lifeless and alive in the same time! And be hers!

-          I love you, Sakura Nanase! I adore you, I worship you, I live and breathe you! Thank you… Oh, Nanase, thank you so much!

Her response was of a warm hug and a kiss to his chest. Few moments later her grip loosened and Tendo heard her breathing softly, evenly – his newly-made woman fell asleep. He carefully stood up, brought a warm wet cloth from the bathroom and cleaned them both up. Sakura didn’t even stir when Kairi freed the covers and blanket from underneath her. He chuckled softly at his sleeping beauty and joined her in that tiny bed of hers where two people would have to snuggle really tight not to fall off at night. Tendo was fine with that – he wasn’t planning to let her go anyways. Ever.

***   ***   ***

Tendo turned the corner and stopped, leaning against the wall. He closed his eyes, fighting off tangles of headache creeping up his skull. Today wasn’t that difficult from the work perspective, per se, his patients were going well all things considered, two new came in and preparation for scheduled surgeries was on the way. But something… something was just off.

He knew that the reason was Nanase. The fact that he’d upset her this morning and she’d ran away before he could apologize… The fact that she’d sent in his lunch with a sweet and cheerful note, but didn’t want to come personally… Kairi was obsessed with seeing her again to the point that he hallucinated her walking on the other end of the corridor – but when he ran up to the spot, she’d disappeared in the thin air, like mirage.

He hasn’t seen her in five days. Nurse Sakai got sick and Nanase agreed to change her shifts for night ones to help out. So, the only time they saw each other was during morning and evening check-ins, in the hospital, with other staff present.

Kairi missed her so much! Missed holding her small frame through the night, missed the smell of her hair, the brightness of her smile… His wife’s silly songs she’d made off recipes and were singing during cooking… Color pencils scattered on the floor and handmade brochures she prepared for her patients with post-surgery care routines lying around the apartment… Kairi missed her curious button nose that would get into anything he was reading and then Nanase would ask him a million distracting questions... but he also missed her attentive and proud eyes when she was listening to his responses. He missed her one-of-a-kind mind, her forgiving soul, her optimistic heart… his wife, Tendo Nanase.

And he’d also missed her body. The slopes and ridges, the depth of it, the taste, the scent… Just thinking of it made his body tense and his pants become uncomfortably tight. It’s only been five days… and they’d been married for five months… but there was no saturation with her, no ‘enough’, no ‘slowing down’ or ‘marriage routine’. Every day with her was a new handwritten page of happiness, every night was a study of passion and abandon. Kairi was addicted to his wife, and blissfully so. If was as if she was a hormone that his body wasn’t producing and was lacking all his life even without knowing. And then Nanase broke in, forcefully, with stubborn conviction – and his life finally tilted towards the happiness. She reminded him how to laugh, helped him to find his own heart and challenged a man in him. The challenge was to love Nanase so much that her first man would always be her only man – and she wouldn’t miss out on anything! And Kairi missed the challenge for five days now! In a row!

The first night when he came home, on Monday, Kairi realized Nanase wasn’t sleeping in their bed but rather on the couch. He called her up to ask for a reason… and his wife told him the bed was too big for her without him… and couch cushions smelled like him… because this is where he read. Kairi bit his lip and moaned silently, feeling his groin getting heavier and hotter. Later, he slept in their bed because sheets smelled of her, of her tangled dark hair that covered his face like a canopy when she rode him the night before, of her screams and bites, her uninhibited desire for him…

But now… he was losing her scent in their apartment… the sheets were too cold.

And tonight was her last night shift. Tomorrow was a weekend for both of them. Nanase will come home and he will wake up to the sound of her cooking or singing or both. And he will hold her in his arms and inhale her and everything will be all right again. Kairi just needed to survive till then.

***   ***   ***

Kairi looked at his watch – 5 pm. Two hours till the end of his shift, one hour till Nanase comes in for evening check-in, fourteen hours till she comes back home after her shift. He could make it because he would get to see her in an hour… just one hour.

Or not... Reacting to the screams and gurgling sounds in the nearby room, Tendo rushed in to find Nanase struggling to contain a male patient trashing on the bed. Two nurses quickly ran in past him, one adjusted patient’s IV drip, other injected something into his shoulder – and things quieted really quickly. Nanase let go of patient’s arms and turned to the chief nurse, not noticing Tendo standing behind her:

-          I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened! I was giving him his dinner and…

The fact that she was feeding the patient was very evident seeing how Nanase was covered in pieces of vegetables and stains of fruit tea that were served for dinner today. Chief nurse rushed to calm Nanase down, side-eyeing Tendo suspiciously because he still hasn’t announced his presence to his wife:

-          It’s ok, Nanase-chan, it’s not your fault, his anti-seizure meds weren’t adjusted yet, we’re waiting for Doctor Kisugi to come in later and do that. You should go and clean up before your shift starts. Why did you come so early anyways?

Nanase looked at the floor shyly and said:

-          It’s a… personal matter. I thought I’d help with dinner first and then go find Tendo-sensei and…

That’s when Kairi took his que and grabbed his wife by the forearm, tugging her towards him. Nanase looked up and shy delight crossed her face, leaving unmistakable blush behind. She bowed to him demurely:

-          Tendo-sensei, I’ll be at the evening check-in as soon as…

-          You have broccoli in your hair…

-          Yes, I’ll go take a shower and be back when…

-          I’ll take care of it. Come.

Tendo dragged his wife away from two nurses, smirking at him with knowing smiles. Nanase tried arguing, while almost running behind him to keep up with the pace:

-          Tendo-sensei, we have shower next to the nurses’ station, I can be back very quickly, I don’t want to impose on doctors’ premises.

-          That’s not where we’re going…

Nanase looked at him incredulously but Tendo paid no attention to her surprise while continuing to their destination, using the most inconspicuous of paths to avoid meeting more colleagues and more questions. As they walked, Nanase started to recognize the halls of this secluded and posh wing – and her suspicions were confirmed when Tendo opened and closed behind her a door to one of VIP suites. Nanase spooked and tried to rush out of the door:

-          Sensei, we can’t use VIP suites for showers! Mariko-san will not allow it! Nurses are sent to this wing only by assignment!

Tendo caught her by the shoulders and pressed her against the door. Nanase looked up, her mouth open to protest more – and all her protests drowned in the deep, hungry kiss her husband landed on her. Humming noise in the back of his throat vibrated through her body, making her weak in the knees – and if she weren’t being held up against the door by his strong hands, Nanase would probably have dropped. Something in her mind that was responsible for manners and propriety switched off, giving way to the wave of familiar anticipation. She moaned into his mouth, biting his lower lip a little and hearing him respond with sharp inhale. With visible difficulty, Tendo tore himself off his wife and rested his forehead on the door above her shoulder. He said, short of breath:

-          You aren’t here as a nurse… it’s still one hour till your shift… you’re here as my wife… and I have a privilege to come here whenever I wish to.

Nanase peeped from around his back and looked around the room. Tendo stepped away to give her a better overview, while trying to do some calming breathing exercises himself – while Nanase was technically not at work yet, he was and he needed to go back to his patients soon enough, before Koichi-kun comes in to change him.

Nanase walked around the room and noticed all the things that made this room different from lavish suites for VIP patients. First of all, it wasn’t all that lavish – furniture was much simpler than she’d remembered, fewer decorations, much smaller TV set and no vases with live flowers. The bed wasn’t one of the standard motorized hospital beds but rather simple-frame queen-size bed with few extra cushions. Overall, the room looked like a mix of a hotel room and an office, the office part represented by a big desk near a window which was obviously used by doctors since it was covered in piles of folders and X-ray files.

Nanase asked:

-          What is this room? Some… doctors’ lounge?

Tendo chuckled:

-          Not exactly, no. When this wing was refurbished for VIP suites, this room was deemed too small for the high standards of VIP patients, so hospital’s management decided to keep it for the doctors in charge. Today that’s me. We use it occasionally to work, research, take a shower or sleep, if time allows.

Nanase looked around and noticed the door that led to the bathroom. She suddenly remembered how silly she must look with patient’s dinner displayed all over her and started towards the door – and then stopped. Her eyes darted between bathroom and exit door and back. Tendo asked:

-          What? You don’t have to worry, nobody would walk in, it can only be open with our badges. There’s also a latch on the bathroom door, if you want to use it…

-          That’s not it… My spare uniform is in my locker, I need to go take it.

Tendo nodded but stopped Nanase when she tried to walk out:

-          You go take your shower, I’ll bring your things and get back to my patients. There is shower gel and shampoo on the stall, towels are in the cupboard by the door. I’ll be back soon!

And with that Kairi landed a quick chaste kiss on his wife’s forehead and left the room, covering the distance in wide strides to come back faster. Nanase sighted with a tinge of disappointment – she was hoping for more time with her husband when she came to work earlier, but, alas, her unfortunate incident derailed her plans. She made a quick work of undressing, folding her uniform neatly and going into bathroom. The shower stall was a standard edition for medical facilities, with sturdy railings on two levels and spray nuzzles from top to bottom for stimulating massage, if needed. And while Nanase wouldn’t mind a massage this time to relieve her of coiling tension inside, she didn’t want to overstep the hospitality of this secret lounge. Her shower would be quick and efficient!

Meanwhile, Tendo thought along the same lines – that his wife will be in and out in a split second – so he rushed to get her things before she had to come out of the shower… draped in a towel only… warm and wet… focus, Kairi!

Easier said than done! Images rushed through his mind, offering all the ways he could help her shower, to make sure that all her hidden spots were well taken care of and…

-          Tendo-kun! Just the man I was looking for!

Kairi turned around and stumbled upon seeing Koichi’s smiling face, while his fellow doctor approached to greet him. Tendo responded automatically, still trying to focus his gaze and shake off the effects of feverish daydreaming. He looked at his watch and said:

-          I need to take Nanase’s spare uniform and then I’d be back to brief you about…

-          Yeah, I know, Kaori-san valve repair prep and Nakoishi-san pacer implant surgery. Mariko-san already gave me all the charts, I’m fully up to speed! So, unless there’s something else you want to tell me… you’re off duty as of now!

And he winked at Kairi. He winked at him! Tendo frowned and stepped back, as if from a blow… Was he THAT obvious? Did the entire hospital know that he was a horny idiot obsessed with his wife? Was there a conspiracy to get him laid?!

He was supposed to be offended at that prospect, outraged even! But at that moment, all he could hear was ‘it’s still an hour till her shift starts… and she’s still in the shower… shower…’.

Tendo nodded, rushed to grab Nanase’s clothes and flat our ran back to the VIP wing at full speed. He thought he’d heard a choir of chuckles and quiet laughs from nurses’ station – but he couldn’t care less! His image be damned – he was, after all, horny idiot obsessed with his wife!

***   ***   ***

Nanase was absolutely planning to get out of the shower any minute now… but the hot water was so soothing and energizing in the same time, massaging her stiff shoulders with high-pressure streams. She’d heard her husband come into the room again and cried out to him:

-          Sensei, I’ll be out soon! Please, leave my uniform and get back to your patients! I’ll be fine here!

She stretched, checking how her muscles relaxed, and rinsed her hair once again. Nanase turned her head to face the water, her eyes closed and her lips smiling – she just loved hot showers very much. She’d found the faucet by touch and before she could turn it off, a strong hand stopped her, other circled her waist and pressed her to the obviously naked male body and a familiar voice whispered to her ear:

-          Don’t. I need a shower too.

Her rational mind reminded her about time, schedules, something-something… But her female body swayed into him, feeling him grinding back into her. Tendo let go of her hand and caught one of her nipples between his fingers, tuning it up to the sensitive aroused state. His whisper came between bites of her neck and shoulder:

-          You know, personal hygiene is a very serious matter in medical profession. I do need to make sure that you are clean here… - he followed the outline of her breast, then the other, - … here… - his hand trailed back down, his nails sliding across her wet skin, - and here too…  - Tendo’s fingers split the hair in the apex of her thighs and slipped in, circling, teasing.

Nanase grabbed the railing in front of her with one hand and Tando’s wet hair above her with another and held on for the sensual assault. Her lover knew what he was doing – his exceptional mind, when focused on her body, was inventive, generous and wicked! Nanase felt dizzy and inflamed and this time it had nothing to do with a fog of hot air around her and water running down her body. One last rational thought escaped almost involuntary:

-          Your shift…

He buckled into her, making Nanase lose balance and stumble forward, almost hitting the metal railing she was holding. Kairi held her back, using the hand that was buried knuckles deep into her body to anchor her back to him. Nanase cried out and he repeated the motion again, and again. When he hissed his answer into her hair, Nanase was too far gone past remembering her question at all:

-          Another doctor already took over. We have time…

Something flashed inside Nanase, an understanding, a memory… There was something she liked doing when they had time. A reckoning…

Nanase took all of her will power – and physical strength – to push herself off the glass wall in front of her. She unclutched Tendo’s hands holding her in place, whining momentarily on the loss of the fullness and heat his fingers provided. Nanase turned around and faced him, her gorgeous demi-god husband, built of steel and velvet… and desire. She pushed back, and back – until Tendo stopped at the opposite glass wall, awkwardly placing his elbows on the upper railing. He looked at her surprised, but aroused and willing to go wherever this was leading to. Nanase smiled – her special smile that meant so many things now – and told him, touching her fingers to his upper arms:

-          Hold on. Don’t let go.

He nodded automatically thinking of what she may be planning – and then there was no thinking possible! Nanase’s lips landed everywhere on his skin, licking off droplets of water, biting across sensitive spots, soothing bite marks with wide strokes of her tongue… Her hands caressed his body, explored with soft touches, marked with red lines, loved him, worshiped… When Nanase went down on her knees, Tendo groaned and threw his head up, feeling heat wash over him from inside… and when she took him into her mouth and sucked in the whole length of his shaft… Tendo saw stars! Her wet lips, the perfect pressure, just the right rhythm… his body was no longer his, coiling numbness was taking over, turning off circuits in his body and his brain… He missed her so much!

With the last tendrils of sanity escaping him, Tendo begged:

-          Nanase, please…

She released him with a plop and asked, kissing his thigh and continuing her rhythm with the palm of her hand:

-          Yes, anata?

Kairi bent over and grabbed her by the waist, turning around and hoisting her up on the lower level railing. She circled her legs around him and locked them behind his back, catching Kairi and tugging him close to her body. He kissed her, hungrily, urgently… then begged again:

-          Say it…

-          What, anata? What should I say, Kairi?

And there it was – those special words that drove him crazy! Because he knew how many barriers had to melt in Nanase’s mind for her to call him by the name, to address him as ‘husband’… and he did this to her! She was his – ripe, willing, ready to be taken, ready to take him too!

Invitation was so close… Unmistakable scent that was not washed away by shower but only amplified by the steamed glass compartment… slick wetness where their bodies longed to be connected… her lips and her whimpers on the base of his neck… and her searching hands, digging nails into his asscheeks to bring him home.

-          Kairi, please…

He plunged deep, reaching the core of her female self in one go! Plunging in and out with a force that could easily shutter the tempered glass behind her back – for every night he’d spent without her, for every time his fingers flexed to find her body in the darkness and didn’t, for every time he couldn’t remember her scent… There were many, many times like this and so he worked them all out into her, into her accepting body, her unreserved screams, her ‘more’ and ‘harder’!

It was too much too fast for him! He waited for so long! Numbness took over again, flowing from where their bodies connected to the outsides of his body and beyond. Kairi cried out her name and heard her whisper ‘five’. Four… three… two… one!!! His wife convulsed around him, froze for a moment and then fell apart with a low, almost pained scream! Her body sucked him in… three… two… one!!! And he followed! Ignited nerves exploding, heart jumping out of his chest and everything around him turning into blissful darkness, filled with her satisfied humming and the sound of running water…

***   ***   ***

When his vision cleared, Kairi found himself sitting on the shower floor, his wife still circling his hips, smiling at him mischievously. Nanase kissed his nose and said:

-          Anata… long time no see!

Kairi groaned – his wife would be the death of him! But, on a plus side, he’d die a very happy man! His usual cold-blooded demeanor creeped back into steamy bathroom and he said:

-          Only you would joke like that in this situation! Baka!

Nanase waved him off and stood up carefully, holding the railing not to slip up on the wet floor. She picked up the shower gel and washcloth and handed them to Kairi:

-          Since you here, you can help me wash my back, I couldn’t reach it before…

Her voice was so seductively nonchalant, Tendo chuckled. He loved these short periods right after lovemaking when his wife was still riding the hormone rush and her inhibitions and self-imposed limits didn’t apply. With time, these periods became longer, and his wife was getting bolder with him, going as far as calling him by the name even outside their bedroom! That only happened few times but Kairi was willing to put in whatever effort it took – especially considering he enjoyed the effort itself beyond comprehension! His favorite treatment plan ever!

Kairi helped Nanase wash up and she did the same for him, taking time to be tender and soft with each other, sharing smiles and small kisses. When they came out, Nanase changed into her spare uniform and went to the fridge to fish out some water. She brought him a bottle too and made sure he drank up all of it. While dressing up, Tendo noticed that something changed in his wife’s demeanor – something awkward, uncertain… reserved?

His morning behaviour came to mind and Tendo opened his mouth to apologise – when Nanase dragged him by the sleeve to sit on the couch.

-          Kairi, we need to talk.

He dreaded this talk, but it was necessary. He just hoped that her responsiveness before meant she would forgive him soon.

-          Nanase, about today, I was wrong, I shouldn’t have…

Tendo tried to speak fast, to get as much of his apologies out before his wife’s too-forgiving heart will absolve him of all sins, as she usually did. But that wasn’t what she’d interrupted him with.

-          It’s not about today. I mean, it is, in a way, but it’s not your fault, it’s mine. Well… yours too, but mostly mine.

She nodded and stayed with lowered head, observing her hands clutched together. Tendo sat closer, taking her hands into his and kissing them, knuckle by knuckle.

-          Nanase, I should not have scolded you. I upset you and made you run away from me.

His wife raised her head and looked him in the eyes, her expression perplexed. She looked up, as if remembering something, then back at him with a smile:

-          Ananta, it’s not why I ran away. I just didn’t want you to see me get sick, I didn’t feel well this morning.

-          Sick? Nanase, what’s wrong? How are you feeling? Have you been to the doctor? Should we go now?

-          Shh, I’m fine. Yes, I’ve been to the doctor, today, when I brought you lunch.

So, he did see her in the corridor today, it’s wasn’t a hallucination! But… but…

-          Why didn’t you come see me right after? What did the doctor say?

Nanase smiled again and kissed his fingers wrapped around her hands.

-          I wanted to come, but first there was an appointment with Akai-san, then blood tests, then ultrasound… When I was done, I came here but you were already in the OR so I left to prepare for my shift.

Tendo huffed with irritation:

-          Nanase, the timeline was clearly not the most important part of my question! What did Akai-san say? Is your hormonal treatment not working? What were the blood tests about? What should I know? Say it already!

Nanase chewed on her lower lip and looked away – her tell for immense insecurity – and then took something out of her pocket and handed it over to Kairi.

Kairi unfolded few sheets of paper with hospital header on them – blood test, diagnosis, ultrasound results… On top of it all, attached by the staple, there was a small rectangular picture with classic ultrasound triangle. With shades, and echos… and one unmistakable white dot. Numbers ran in front of his eyes… sizes, estimated gestation period, heartbeat rate… His little white dot has already had a heartbeat!

Papers spilled out to the floor and Tendo didn’t even notice. He looked at his wife with unblinking eyes and whispered hoarsely:

-          Are you… pregnant?

Nanase nodded, her pale face looking so lost and guilty now! She rushed into explanation:

-          I didn’t think it was it, I thought that was just aftereffect from switching to new treatment! Sensei, I know, you didn’t plan for this, I didn’t want to put you in this position…

-          Treatment…

-          Yes, Akai-san said it’s practically impossible that such treatment could result in pregnancy but then…

-          No, Nanase, listen! – Kairi shook her by the shoulders, his voice frantic, - did you cancel the treatment? You were taking it this whole time! Can it harm our baby?!

-          Our… baby?

Nanase looked at him, his worried eyes, his trembling lips – and realization dawned on her! Her smile rose above them like a rainbow, happy, unreserved, eternal! She touched her fingers to his furrowed brow and asked:

-          So… you want it?

Tendo brows furrowed further but this time with different question in mind!

-          Do I want it? Nanase, you loveable idiot! Of course, I want our baby! How could you possibly think anything else?!

-          Well, we haven’t discussed it… and it wasn’t in your plan…

-          What plan, Nanase? There was no plan before you! You are the plan! And whatever comes from you, around you and for you – it is my plan!

He hugged her to his chest tightly and Nanase heard his heart thundering in his chest in unison with quickened breathing. His lips whispered something into her hair, but she couldn’t make out the words. Then Kairi tore her away from him again and ask anxiously:

-          The treatment? Will it harm the baby?

Nanase smiled and bent over to pick up the scattered papers. She found the right one and showed it to her husband:

-          According to this, our baby is a fighter! If treatment did not deter the consumption, then the treatment would have no effect on early gestation, especially, since I stopped it already. The baby is fine, Kairi, all the results are normal for our 6-weeks old sweet pea!

Sweet pea! Their baby had a size and a heartbeat, and it was fine and healthy and growing inside the woman he loved! Kairi hugged her again, sitting her comfortably on his lap, because he wasn’t planning to let her go for a long time, her shift and schedule all but forgotten! He wanted to talk to her… ask her about morning sickness that she was apparently hiding from him… if she had any cravings yet because Kairi wanted her to have them so he could satisfy the littlest of her needs… if she wanted a boy or a girl – but he already knew Nanase would say ‘as long as it’s healthy and happy’… they needed to discuss buying a house because they weren’t raising a family in his old bachelor apartment!.. he wanted to talk baby names…

Kairi wanted to keep them safe and comfortable in the protective shield of his body, to let Nanase know how much he loved and cherished her and their baby – his two 0,0001% impossible miracles! As they set there, him whispering soft words of love into her smiling lips, Tendo saw in her bright eyes how his life was expanding, to encompass him and his wife and all the possibilities and surprises, and all the promises he was about to make, and all the changes he was so looking forward to right now! And all thanks to her, his shining wife, little brave hero who fought her way through his darkness and thorns – to give him acceptance, hope, happiness, and, eventually, life!

And to him there was no doubt that love like this will last forever…

[unwiltingblossom]

Code: Realize Route Review - Saint-Germain

STRAP IN BECAUSE THIS ROUTE HURTS

(I just really wanted to show off his pretty eyes and you almost NEVER see them if you’re not on his route)

Saint-Germain’s route just completely spoils Victor’s route. I don’t remember offhand if he spoils Impey and Van’s offhand, but since Victor’s spoils those (or negatively impacts them, in Impey’s case), basically just do his last before Lupin. His route plays up Lupin anyway.

So Sanchan is just super mysterious. If you play through all the other three routes before him you can get maximum number of hints of his true nature and what he’s hiding, enough to know that he’s going to be a needy routemate and you probably want to save him for last because he positively radiates loneliness and ‘no one understands me’

also y’know

his name is Saint Germain, big spoiler he’s obviously immortal.

his route still took me by surprise, because none of the hints he drops you will adequately prepare you for him being straight up yandere.

I adore him but he’s yandere, mitigating reasons or no. “I need to be the one to kill you because I love you” is still yandere. but it’s understandable.

Saint Germain’s route hurts me so much.

it’s so much pain.

anyway

so obviously Saint Germain massacres Finis extra hard on this route, because do not touch his woman - I think this may be the only time that he’s the one who permanently kills Finis? Maybe he does it on Impey’s route, I don’t know. He doesn’t fess up to it in other ones, so you can never know for sure if it’s him or Aleister.

Like usual, Cardia tries to run away into the night because she’s a monster, but obviously Saint Germain already anticipated she was going to do that, and is waiting for her at the gate. That makes him one of only two love interests who catch her on purpose (Impey does it on accident). Rather than convince her to stay with the others, though, he understands her feelings, and when she isn’t easily convinced to turn back he instead offers to take her elsewhere where it’s safe - so that Twilight can’t find her.

They walk off in the night and wander the forests outside London for an indeterminable amount of time before they find an identical mansion to the one she’s familiar with, out in the forest. Why? Because Sanchan is compelled to keep his houses identical in every way to each other, so that he has something that is solid and doesn’t change over time and when he gets yanked back and forth across Europe.

He offers to live alone with her in the house, somewhere no one will ever find them, where she’ll be safe and where she’ll be able to cut off contact with everyone and let them live safely without her.

But before he lets her into the house he wavers and insists she make up her mind again. Does she really want this? If she just asks, he’ll take her back home immediately, but only if she does now.

Just...poor Germain. The fact that he knows what he has to do, and that now she’s already fallen into his trap and can’t escape it, and he knows what happened last time he let someone escape, but he’s still giving her the chance to run away.And he never comes back, after he walks her back home, just utterly relieved and happy that she chose to go home.

Knowing how he handles the situation later, I can’t help but assume he kamikaze’d himself into Idea to save Cardia, and was apparently successful enough to stop them.

As I mentioned in Victor’s review, I didn’t get any of Germain’s bad ends because it’s not that hard to avoid (but you do have to ignore that in Van’s route you’re supposed to not resist when Jack the Ripper approaches you), but then I was also too cowardly to go back and watch them until now because I can’t bear Saint Germain suffering.

somehow each time it hurts him even more, every time you get one, like delaying it gave him more and more hope that she’ll survive. No matter how circumstances change, he never once allows Cardia to suffer any pain when she dies, even when he becomes a broken, sobbing wreck at being forced to kill the woman he loves. Honestly I was kind of worried that it would just harm my view of Saint Germain because he’s turned off his emotions and doing what he must

but NOPE

HAHA.

You don’t just die on his bad ends, oh no. You hear him cry over you as you do.

Saint Germain’s route hurts me so much.

Even reviewing it leaves me in pain.

anyway, back on topic.

So yeah, you can ascertain he’s immortal on other routes, and you should be able to figure out he’s an assassin on every other route too, when he straight up ganks Finis.

But he’s not just an immortal assassin, he’s an immortal assassin who’s forced to preserve the world and human order by removing aberrations. Like Cardia. As it turns out, on all the other routes and during the common route, he’s running interference for her with Idea, buying her time to find a way to be a normal girl so she doesn’t have to die, but in his route he becomes distraught because of his love for her, and even after he kills Finis, Omnibus won’t allow Cardia to live. because Omnibus is a miserable piece of work.

So Saint Germain is the reason, in that world, for the Black Plague. Not because he was sent to create it, but because he was sent to stop it...by slaughtering an entire innocent village of people. Among those people was a little boy who’d gotten super attached to him, basically an orphan the rest of the village had abandoned, who looked at him like a father figure, and he just couldn’t bring himself to kill this child who trusted him and who he actually cared for, and because of that the plague spread and killed 500 million people or whatever.

so naturally, Omnibus in all her boneheaded wisdom, thinks ‘ah yes, making Germain murder the woman he loves is totally reasonable,  because he learned his lesson last time and became an ice-cold killing machine for me since then’

Anyway, Sanchan’s route is kind of frustrating. The first half of it you gotta deal with his misguided yandere tendencies, as he deeply, deeply loves Cardia, but he’s helplessly convinced there’s no way to save her, so has determined “She is my lady, and I will kill her, to ensure she experiences no fear and no pain.” and even when Cardia escapes the mansion (with that sad, conflicted expression on his face, because she’s leaving and he wants to be able to say he’ll never see her again, but he loves her so much he can’t bear the idea of never seeing her, and he wants her to live, but he’s afraid Guinevere will just find her instead) a considerable chunk of the story is spent away from Germain - including the requisite ‘tease the next route’ section.

Lupin is just always more romantic on Germain’s routes than his own and I don’t really know why.

and poor Saint Germain just. Literally dies over and over fighting Guinevere, because he absolutely will not let her harm Cardia. All the boys have become convinced he’s some crazy killer, while Sanchan is just getting horribly impaled over and over to protect her, no matter how he tries to rationalize that it’s only that he wants to kill her himself because she’s his.

honestly, I don’t mind his possessiveness at all. Especially when his backstory is eventually revealed in Future Blessings, Saint Germain has never been allowed to have anything, everyone he’s ever cared about he’s been either forced to kill or forced to run off (and then punished for a hundred years for not killing). and I’m spoiling a little of Future Blessings to say this but the fact is, he joined Idea in exchange for ‘a wish’, and that wish was that he’d attain ‘ordinary happiness’ one day, but as a cruel joke Idea pushes him down a path where he can’t feel any kind of genuine happiness at all.

Omnibus is awful

Have I said that?

Because Omnibus is awful.

She constantly tries to manipulate Cardia into killing herself once she realizes that Saint Germain just isn’t doing it and won’t let anyone else do it, and even tells Cardia ‘Have Saint Germain kill you tonight, or I’ll kill him instead’.

BECAUSE SHE KNOWS IT WILL UTTERLY SHATTER HIM.

(If Cardia fails to convince him not to kill her, Saint Germain says that after she dies he will never again, no matter how many tens of thousands of years he lives, ever shed another tear. His tears will be for her alone, and when she’s gone, so will they be)

anyway

When Cardia does her no self worth thing and says “It’s okay. You can do it, because I’m not really alive. So if I die, you won’t really be killing anything but a doll.” it just

errors poor Sanchan. He doesn’t think he’s human anymore, because he’s essentially a zombie, spliced together by some kind of magic that makes him immortal and no longer technically human, but somehow this sweet, innocent girl who’s never done anything wrong thinks she deserves to live less than him, a man who’s caused so much pain and suffering and already had his chance to live a life before.

His perfectly polite and cold mask finally breaks completely, as all the feelings he’s been denying and pushing away flood to the surface. And haha you thought that you wouldn’t have to hear him cry if you make the right choices? nope! wrong.

Sanchan’s route is pain.

Because Germain is an immortal regenerating pseudozombie, Cardia’s poison doesn’t really do anything to him, as he’ll instantly regenerate any damage she does as soon as she’s no longer touching him. And so he gives an anguished declaration of love,

“I don’t care what disaster happens, I don’t care what crime I must commit, all I want is for you to live...and smile.”

He says that he’s the only one who can touch her, no one else can handle her poison, no one else can give everything to and take everything from her without flinching (or dying), and if she’s just an empty doll then he’s just a walking corpse, and if her life isn’t important, then neither is his.

SO LIKE

not only do you see his pretty eyes on this route, not only do you finally make it past that coolly polite mask he wears to keep the world at arms length so it won’t hurt him... but you see this lovey unflappable Saint Germain reveal his heart and vulnerabilities completely, including his selfishness and his self-hatred.

once he decides that ‘no, this blade of mine could never, ever kill you’ (because he knows for sure that he loves Cardia, and now he cannot bear to imagine her dying believing she’s nothing more than a doll to be broken) there leaves him with only one other choice

murder all of the rest of Idea so they can’t hurt her.

After finally feeling like a human again, smiling for real for the first time in longer than needs to be said, he tries to lie to Cardia’s face and be like ‘well, I just need to go do that alone for a while but don’t worry I’ll be back!’

alas, Cardia already knows that as soon as he rebels against Idea, Omnibus will revoke his immortality, and killing 12 functional immortals as a mortal is basically impossible.

He is undeterred, however, as he still intends to slaughter all of them on his own, and while he knows it’s a suicide mission, he’s going to do it anyway for Cardia. No negotiation allowed. After living an empty and hollow life for tens of thousands of years, he can finally live life like a human and spend ‘every last remaining moment of his life protecting the one he loves’.

He insists that Cardia living somewhere and smiling is all the happiness he could ever ask for, because ‘you met a thousands of years old ghost, and his heart was moved, that’s all I can ever ask for’

but this

stupid sad man

can’t understand

Cardia will never smile happily ever again if he dies.

he uses an anesthetic needle to prevent her from chasing after him, and just

so gently and kindly tells her goodbye.

Even after they confess their love for each other and stop trying to kill each other this route still hurts me.

So Cardia absolutely refuses to let Germain die for her, and she plays her trump card. Herself.

She threatens Omnibus with turning herself into the philosopher’s stone (as Victor was able to study Finis’ locket in this route and figure out how it works) and destroy freaking everything if she doesn’t back off and let Germain go.

Omnibus agrees, but only under the condition that Cardia and Germain can manage to defeat a fully powered Guinevere after he’s been totally wrecked killing 4 other apostles already, and then Cardia must kill herself.

and here the endings branch

the normal ending

is

so painful I can’t

They defeat Guinevere...ish. But Germain dies in the process.

His last words, spoken so quietly, are “I love you...and your smile...”

And Cardia just...decides to become an Idea apostle. As if Saint-Germain would EVER WANT THAT FOR HER. That must be a nightmare for him to imagine the woman he loves trapped in an eternal existence of suffering.

In the (normal) end, Cardia’s mask-like smile becomes glued to her face, just the same way that Germain’s was.

ugh this route hurts.

In the good ending, Cardia takes the bet and is determined to defeat Guinevere against all odds.

And although they succeed, Omnibus still rolls in like “good job, you did it, I’ll let Germain live and give him a full life to spend as a human, now. die, okay.”

because OMNIBUS IS FREAKING AWFUL

Saint Germain by this point is just...so drained and broken and desperate, desperate just to let Cardia survive and find happiness that he falls to his knees and grovels, begging Omnibus to just let the woman he loves live.

the old hag only does it because Guinevere finally can’t take it and also mutinies, because she has flashbacks of her own love of Lancelot and Arthur, which is the whole reason she’s in Idea to begin with.

Anyway, Cardia is given a second chance, a reprieve. If they can find a way to deactivate her gem before it inevitably goes critical, then she can be spared. And Germain will be given at least some limited form of his regeneration back as well, so he can continue to touch her and not die.

AND THEN

FINALLY

SOME HAPPINESS

SOME CUTENESS.

Cardia and Saint Germain head off on the road together  - finally, a route where Germain doesn’t leave in the ending - and Germain is finally able to loosen up, be playful and teasing, and no longer has to hold up a mask of always being coolly polite and fake-happy.

most of his teasing happiness is just him stealing kisses from Cardia despite her aghast responses to him constantly burning himself whenever he does it. But he doesn’t mind because it’s something only he can share with her.

AND FRANKLY

I’LL TAKE IT.

This one cuteness, of Saint Germain being able to touch and kiss Cardia and just reveling in being the only one who can do it, is my only cute pay off to balance out the ENDLESS PAINFUL ANGST. ANGST. ANGST.

ANYWAY

they’re not precious and sweet and perfect like Victor/Cardia, but Germain/Cardia is just so painfully sweet and wonderful. I love them.

I love Sanchan. He needs to be happy. Let him be happy!! Let him have the ordinary happiness he wished for by finding love with the sweet girl who thinks she’s a monster. The immortal corpse given a life as a human, and the potentially immortal monster who is working her way to getting a life as a human.

Finally getting something that soothes his heart and helps him overcome the pain and guilt of showing mercy by not murdering a little boy, that Omnibus convinced him was wrong for all this time.

I just

I need Sanchan to be happy

he needs to be happy!!!!!

I need him to be so happy that ultimately I chickened out and couldn’t do his normal ending (before I knew what happens on it) because THIS BOY

MUST

BE

HAPPY.