#I think the pressure of graduation is getting to me and I’m scared for what comes next

[glittertimes]

I keep feeling like I’m not going to survive if I have to keep living in this house and every attempt I make to get out of here never works out and then I feel like the only escape is ending everything and I don’t want to do that :(((

[prosypepper]

“parenting class” with kei tsukishima

this is part six of my kinktober event :3

word count: 1.5k

warnings: nsfw, timeskip tsukishima, breeding, talks about pregnancy, tsukki is maybe a little bit bad!, finishing inside, unprotected p in v. 18+ mdni!

notes: who tf was gonna tell me pregnancy scares are real

kinktober masterlist | masterlist

kei tsukishima didn’t know what had come over him.

personally, he blamed that stupid parenting class that was required, for some reason. kei thought it was idiotic, but he needed it to graduate. and they absolutely doomed him when they put both of you in class together.

there was something about you, his sweet, beautiful and kind girlfriend that had already won his heart a million times over, doing things that a mom would do. of course, they provided those dumb dolls that cried and stuff—but you seemed to be able to calm the robot baby down instantly. the smallest appearance of a smile came over his face when you’d bounce the doll in your arms, or feed it the fake food.

god forbid when they made you wear that horrible pregnancy vest, because it gave your boyfriend terribly amazing imagery of what you’d actually look like carrying his child. maybe he was weird for it, but after the few weeks of that class was over, kei couldn’t stop himself from only thinking about one thing;

getting you pregnant.

he hadn’t ever been the dad type, until now.

“do you want kids?” tsukishima had asked you, all the while focused on a homework assignment. the question was one you hadn’t talked about before. it took you by surprise, obviously, and you wondered if it was something your tsukki wanted, too.

“if you want them, yeah.”

and that reply is what led kei to his current position, deciding between two ways the both of your lives could go. but as you laid there in his dorm room, trapped under his arms, all the excuses he could make for what he was about to do ran through his head. both of you were adults, set to graduate college in a few months, along with jobs lined up the second you got your diplomas. he already had a ring for you, he’d decided he was going to marry you a long time ago—

what did he have to lose?

“are you okay? you seem out of it, tsukki,” you say, running your fingers through your boyfriend’s blond locks. you had been waiting for a few minutes now, and all kei was doing was staring down at you, the look in his eyes gradually shifting over time.

“mhm.” is the only reply you get out of him, but he finally starts to move his eyes up and down your face, skimming over your lips and soft cheeks. kei felt like he could moan aloud when you wrap your arms behind his neck and lean up to give him a small peck.

he loved how sweet you were to him, a stark contrast in his own personality. he was never one to show affection in many ways, but you made up for it with the amount of affection you gave him. you had kei wrapped around your little finger, and boy, did he know it.

wrapping your legs around his waist, you pull kei in impossibly closer, the warmth in between your legs now was prodded at by the tent in your boyfriend’s boxers. kei harshly sucks air through his teeth at the pressure, absentmindedly rutting against you, feeling your panties and the dampness behind them, absolutely soaked. kei could tell.

“i don’t have a condom,” he remarks, subtly watching how you’d react.

“oh—um, it’s okay,” you reply almost instantaneously, “i’m on birth control, tsukki.”

damn it.

tsukishima nods his head, leaning up to allow space for the both of you to strip away the clothing that was keeping him from being inside of you. scooting back on the bed, you allow him room to join you. kei climbs up on the mattress with you, slotting himself between your already spread thighs, cock immediately pressing against the warm wetness of your cunt. you whine at the teasing, though it isn’t intentional, and kei hushes your noises with a sweet kiss.

as your lips lock and your skin becomes warmer at your lover’s contact, kei’s slender hands come to grab under your thighs, situating you in a rather unexplored position—a mating press. his head draws back again, just to take in the sight of you; in his shirt, and rather everything else completely exposed to him. the small light coming from his desk lamp illuminates you perfectly, shows off how soft you are to kei, the perfect body to carry his kids—

“kei,” you whine, “are you sure you’re okay?” your question is half concern and half desperation, wanting him to either move or tell you he isn’t horny; though, the raging erection he has would say otherwise. “if you don’t wanna do it, we don’t have to—oh!”

your rambling is cut off by a harsh thrust inside, kei wasting no time to completely insert himself into you. he was never one to be too rough, maybe a little erratic, but never completely silent and impatient. you can tell there is no patience left in your boyfriend, with how he immediately begins a grueling, fast pace, slamming his length into you with unrelenting force. your pretty little brain, usually so sweet and composed, has no time to think about what’s got him so worked up, because he has you yelping out within only a few seconds.

“kei—kei!” you chant his name, it’s falling off your lips like a routine prayer, stuck on loop like a broken record.

kei’s knees dig into the fabric of his sheets, his thighs completely straightened, and it feels like he is using every bit of strength to wind his hips up and violently slam them back into you. becoming so fond of this position, you can feel him in new depths, as the slit of his cock taps – no, angrily impales – your cervix. he’s no longer calculated, or sweet, whatever had gotten into kei had made the man completely animalistic.

syrupy, soaked walls clamp around his length ridiculously tighter with every meeting of your hips, and you mewl. the first remnants of sweat creep on your boyfriend’s hairline, his glasses are beginning to slip down his nose, he’s almost silently panting. when your eyes aren’t squeezed shut, you can see the blank, mean expression settled on tsukishima’s features; it wasn’t a softened version of his face like normal.

“feels s’good, tsukki!” you manage to stammer out, arms flailing to the pillow you rested your head on to hold.

“yeah?” followed by a grunt is the only reply, the only words tsukki has given you the entire interaction. he usually liked to tease you, or have more remarks when you babbled on about how good he felt. but no, not now. not when he could feel himself getting closer from the death grip your pussy has on him, not when he can feel himself about to knock you up. “look at me.”

your eyes shoot open, despite the signals from your body telling you to keep them closed, lose yourself in the pleasure. you wouldn’t dare to disobey your boyfriend, not like this. so, of course, you lock your eyes with his, his cock still bullying its way deeper into you. kei savors the scrunched up, dirty look on your face, that of one he hasn’t seen before.

were you enjoying this that much? even if you didn’t know his intentions, were you finding pleasure in the thought of getting pregnant now, by him?

“i’m gonna finish inside,” kei states, and it’s not a request, nor a demand. it’s a simple statement, something he is going to do. you’re able to notice the passion, the need in his voice. and you think, for just a moment, that you understand his intentions.

however, the rough pounding he’s giving you leaves no time for thought.

“mm—finish in me, tsukki,” you motivate him, trying your damnedest to maintain the eye contact with him, “m’gonna cum too!” your voice pitches higher, and kei’s sure whoever’s trying to sleep on the other side of the wall probably hates him right now. but he doesn’t really care, no. he’s determined.

“yeah? close, hmm?” tsukishima teases, finally, in between heavy pants. you nod your head pathetically, not even asking for permission as you clench around him again and cum all over his cock. he’s learned you so well, he can tell when you cum, and he only speeds up the pace of his thrusting to fuck you through it.

at the sound of your pretty noises, kei loses himself, letting the feeling inside snap. thick, white ropes of his cum fly out and stick to your insides, you can feel the extra warmth from it all—it’s hotter than your insides, somehow. even as his pace slows, the thrusts remain just as hard; fucking into you all the way, he’s overstimulating the both of you. all for his greedy, reckless desires.

something had gotten into kei tsukishima, and he knew what it was now. it was all an insatiable, needy scratch inside his brain, only to be helped when in a few weeks, you take that plastic test in the bathroom of his dorm, and those two pink lines show up. he’d only be helped then.

[steddieas-shegoes]

i wanna make your heartbeat run like roller coasters

for @subeddieweek day one with the prompts manhandling and accidental subspace

rated e | 3,520 words | please check ao3 for tags

⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕

Eddie gets pushed against a lot of lockers.

It’s rarely accidental.

It’s always painful.

He doesn’t exactly have a lot of meat on his bones. Every hit leaves a bruise.

So when Steve fucking Harrington does his own dirty work for once, even though he graduated the way Eddie was supposed to, it’s just a bit embarrassing that it doesn’t hurt. It feels…kinda like he should be on his knees.

Which is really not something he wanted to think about when Steve’s got a hand on his shoulder, gripping hard enough to bruise, and something like fear in his eyes. Why is he scared?

“Did you sell weed to Robin?” he asked, teeth clenched.

Jesus fucking Christ. Steve’s got himself a band nerd girlfriend. How the hell did that happen?

“No, I sold to her friend. She waited by the treeline talking to herself the entire time.”

Eddie could hear his own voice shaking, but he wouldn’t back down. Black eyes were kinda metal weren’t they?

“Which friend?”

“Dude, I don’t even know. Someone else in band.”

The hand on his shoulder tightened and he barely bit back a whimper.

Steve’s eyes were very pretty this close. They were pretty from far away, too. Honestly, having Steve this close was probably rewiring something already broken in his brain. Having Steve’s hand on him like this was making his brain do somersaults trying to stay focused.

And then his hand was gone.

Eddie breathed in, breathed out.

“Sorry. I-” Steve shook his hands out and backed away. “Sorry.”

Eddie ignored whatever the fuck was happening in his stomach. It shouldn’t be happening so it isn’t, simple as that.

“Maybe you should ask your girlfriend if you’re so worried about her buying drugs.” Eddie should learn to shut his mouth at some point. “I only sell to the people who come to me first.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I remember.” Steve wiped his hand down his face. “Sorry again.”

Eddie looked him up and down, taking in the fact that he was genuinely apologizing. No one ever apologized for knocking him around, not even when it was on accident.

“You good?” He eventually asked.

“Yeah. Just, she’s been through a lot. I didn’t really want her to get pressured into buying something,” Steve sighed. “Has she come out of the band room yet? I’m supposed to bring her to work.”

“Uh, yeah man, everyone left an hour ago.”

Eddie watched Steve’s face fall as he checked his watch and must’ve realized the time.

“Shit. Okay. I must’ve lost track of time.”

Steve looked pitiful. Eddie’s seen dogs in alleys who looked less beaten down and neglected than Steve currently did.

“I can help you find her?” Eddie offered for some unknown reason.

Well, he knew the reason, but he was choosing to ignore it.

“She’s probably already at work. It’s my day off so I ended up getting distracted with something and didn’t realize it was so late,” Steve admitted, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. “Thanks, though.”

Wayne liked to tell Eddie he was too nice to undeserving people. Lord knows he gave his dad too many chances and got let down every time. He even tried to be friends with Tommy Hagan in middle school because he could sense something was going on with Tommy’s dad much like his own.

But Eddie liked to remind Wayne that Eddie is often considered undeserving and he took him in and gave him multiple chances regardless.

“You wanna smoke?” Eddie asked, despite knowing he barely has anything left after the long week of midterms for students. His busiest times of year were right before school breaks, midterms, finals, and graduation weekend. He usually stocked up, but with Rick being in prison again, he had to try to stretch what he had out.

“Uh…smoke what?”

“Weed.” Then it hit Eddie that maybe Steve was into harder stuff. But he hadn’t ever even bought from him in high school. Tommy had, Carol had, almost everyone at his parties had, but Steve never did. “I have regular old cigs too if you prefer.”

“Yeah, man, cool,” Steve sighed with relief.

“I got a spot behind the cafeteria if you wanna…”

“Sure, yep, let’s go,” Steve nodded, gesturing towards the double doors that led outside to the cafeteria and auditorium buildings.

As they walked, Eddie’s mind raced with thoughts of being alone with Steve, Steve’s arm brushing against his, Steve pushing him against the wall of the cafeteria, of Eddie dropping to his knees and unbuttoning Steve’s pants and-

“I’m really sorry about what happened back there.”

Steve’s voice shook him from his thoughts, but his dick didn’t quite get the memo. When did he even start getting hard?

“No worries, dude.” His face scrunched in disgust at calling Steve dude. What was next, the bro pat on the back? A fist bump? “Kinda jealous of how protective you are of your girlfriend.”

Okay, actually, what the fuck? Eddie needed to shut his fucking face, right the fuck now.

“She’s not my girlfriend, but uh, I don’t think you’re really her type either,” Steve gave him a look, one Eddie knew well and one he couldn’t quite believe he was seeing on Steve’s face right now.

“Right, right.” Eddie wouldn’t make him say it, especially if it was actually the look he thought it was, but maybe he could offer a little something in return. “Yeah, she’s not really my type either.”

Steve stopped just before they reached the hidden area behind the dumpster and picnic table for staff to smoke.

“Really?” Steve’s eyes were wide. “So you’re more into…someone like…me?”

Eddie was actually leaking into his goddamn boxers. Why was he getting turned on just talking to Steve?

“That would be one way of saying it,” Eddie said. Still easy enough to back out of it, at least. Could just say he likes women who wear polos and use more hairspray than Melvald’s has ever carried at any given time.

“Huh,” Steve continued walking to the picnic table, sitting on top of it and kicking some dirt off the bench by his legs for Eddie to sit. “So those rumors were true?”

“That depends on if I’m gonna make it back home to my very loving uncle if I say yes.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Obviously, I’m not gonna judge you about it when my best friend is-” He cut himself off and Eddie had to give him major credit. The Steve he used to know never would’ve cared if he outed someone, or at least never would have realized that was wrong. He coughed and then looked down at the bench. “You gonna sit?”

Eddie sat down on the bench, extremely close to Steve’s legs. Almost touching. Was that heat coming from his body or was Eddie just extremely warm?

“Did you actually wanna smoke or did you just wanna get out of the hall?” Steve asked after another minute of awkward silence.

“We can smoke.” Eddie reached into his pocket, hating how tight his jeans were in the front, and grabbed his lighter. His pack of cigarettes were usually stored in his van because he rarely smoked them, but luckily he’d brought them with him all week to sneak smokes between classes. He pulled one out and handed it to Steve.

He started to light his own when Steve leaned down, his face right next to Eddie’s, breath hot on his neck.

“You aren’t gonna light it for me?”

Eddie whimpered.

He would deny it a million times over if anyone asked. He almost had himself believing he imagined it.

But Steve laughed and backed away, pulling out his own lighter and giving Eddie a second to catch his breath.

What the fuck was that? Did Steve know he was making Eddie’s brain flatline?

He watched Steve take a long drag out of the corner of his eye, his mind shuffling between ‘what if he fucked me right here?’ and ‘get the hell away before your dick pops a hole in your jeans.’

Steve’s lips were so pink, and looked so soft, and just wet enough from licking his lips before taking the next drag, and Eddie was really going through it right now.

He’d gone through his Steve Harrington phase just like everyone else, thought it was over when he graduated. Had avoided the mall all summer when he heard he was working at Scoops so he didn’t have to see him in those tiny blue shorts. Had even gone so far as to avoid being around when the kids were being picked up from Hellfire because Dustin mentioned Steve was his ride.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Except for Eddie’s imagination was impressive, and his late night thoughts turned into very vivid scenes of Steve working him to the edge and making him beg, or pushing him against a locker and making him take his cock with barely any prep, or-

“Dude, anyone ever tell you you’re kinda space-y?” Steve’s voice once again lifted him from his thoughts, though he felt a bit hazy.

“Think I’m comin’ down with something,” Eddie squeaked out. All he was coming down with was a sickness deep in his chest: Harrington Heart-itis.

“Did you hit your head?” Steve sounded concerned now, setting his cigarette in the ashtray left on the table and moving so he had one leg on either side of Eddie. His fingers landed in Eddie’s hair, pulling his head closer and inspecting it for injury. “I didn’t think anything but your shoulders hit, but maybe-”

“No,” Eddie gulped. He should pull away. “Didn’t hit my head.”

Steve’s fingers tightened, not quite painfully, but enough of a bite to it that Eddie whimpered. Again.

Steve’s grip loosened, but his fingers stayed buried in his curls, and Eddie felt pressure guiding him to rest against Steve’s thigh.

“You eat today?” Steve asked, though his voice sounded kinda far away, like he was above the surface of the water and Eddie was sitting at the bottom of a pool looking up at the sun. “Eddie?”

“Hm?” Eddie blinked up at Steve. “I ate.”

“When?” Steve’s hand was cupping his cheek. “Lunch?”

“Mmm, no,” Eddie shook his head, blinked. “Breakfast? Cereal.”

Steve cursed under his breath.

He was so pretty. Had he been told how pretty he was? Surely when Nancy was with him, she told him.

Even if Robin liked women, she had to at least notice how pretty he was, right?

Steve’s sharp intake of breath somewhat centered Eddie.

“I’m gonna drive you home, okay?” Steve whispered, leaning down so his face was only inches away.

Eddie could kiss him. It would be the easiest thing in the world to lift his head the final two inches to make their lips meet.

“Eddie, eyes open,” Steve’s fingers tightened again, gaining Eddie’s full attention. “Should I call someone? Are you dynamic or something?”

Eddie’s brows furrowed. What did that even mean?

“Like the sugar thing?” Steve continued.

“Diabetic?” Eddie still felt a little hazy, but he was starting to come back to it with Steve’s hand migrating from his hair to his shoulder. “No, my sugar’s fine.”

“I’ve got some soda in my car. I can drive you home and then bring you to school in the morning. You probably shouldn’t drive like…this.”

It all came crashing down when Eddie realized how vulnerable he’d just been, how he’d actually lost track of time, not sure exactly how long he’d been sitting between Steve’s legs with his hands in his hair before he started coming back to earth. He stood up, maybe a bit too quickly, rocking a bit before finding his balance.

“Woah, take it easy.” Steve held his hands out, grasped his biceps to hold him steady. “You were pretty far out of it. Don’t rush it.”

How fucking embarrassing.

Eddie had only gone down that far one time with someone and they got freaked out when he was giggling and couldn’t walk on his own because his legs felt like jelly. But that had been on purpose. This was- Steve didn’t– Jesus Christ.

“I’m fine now.” Eddie was��not fine. He knew what would happen if he left right now. Aftercare was a major part of this whether Steve was prepared for it or not. “Just, um, walk me to my van.”

Steve looked like a kicked puppy, but Eddie didn’t have the time to explain all of this to him.

Steve Harrington didn’t know how much of a freak Eddie was even if he did know he was gay. There’s no way Steve participated in any type of BDSM with the many girls he slept with in high school.

There was absolutely no fuckin’ way Nancy Wheeler let herself get tied to a bed and get fucked by Steve.

He shook his head at the thought.

“I’d feel a lot better if you let me drive you. I promise we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Steve sighed. “I just don’t know if you should drive when you went down so hard.”

“You have no idea what even happened,” Eddie argued, pacing back and forth. “I can drive. I just need to walk it off.”

“You don’t walk off subspace.”

Eddie froze. Steve was standing right in front of him now, concern in his big, stupid, adorable eyes.

“How do you even know about subspace?” Eddie whispered.

“I slept with half the high school and two guys in Indy. I know what subspace is, Eds.”

Eddie must still be in space. Or maybe another galaxy.

“Sorry, did you just say you slept with two guys in Indy?” Has Steve seriously fucked more guys than Eddie has? Eddie, the resident gay man of Hawkins, has only been with one man in his entire life and Steve has apparently slept with two?

“Well, I wasn’t gonna sleep with two men in Hawkins!” Steve threw his hands up before putting them on his hips. “I hit up a gay bar and didn’t realize it doubled as a BDSM club until I was already in it and then a nice guy showed me the ropes. Literally. There were ropes involved.”

Eddie snorted. Steve was pretty and funny. Great. Just what he needed.

“I have a quick recovery, so I’ll be fine to drive home,” Eddie tried, though even he could hear his voice still shaking.

“No one is that quick,” Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulders, tugging him into a hug. “Has that ever happened before?”

“Not like that.”

“We should probably talk about it.”

The last thing Eddie wanted to do was talk about how someone playing with his hair and moving his head around while showing the bare minimum of care was enough to send him into subspace, but he had a feeling Steve wasn’t gonna give up easily.

“Fine. What should we talk about? How no one ever touches me gently so the moment someone did, I slipped? How I’ve been avoiding seeing you anywhere in public because I knew it would make my crush come back full force? Oh, I know!” Eddie laughed hysterically as he pulled away. “Let’s talk about how I still think about you in your stupid basketball shorts when I’m fucking myself on four fingers, which is never enough because I can never reach the spot I need to. Or how I once cut out your yearbook photo to keep for jerking off material because my mags weren’t enough. Could even talk about how earlier I wanted you to put your leg between mine so I could rub off on you. Or maybe the weather if you’d prefer that.”

Eddie was panting, could feel the heat on his face rising as he realized everything he’d just said, admitted, to Steve.

He’d never said any of that out loud. Shit, he’d barely said most of it in his own head.

Steve’s arms were pulling him in and Eddie let himself have it, let himself feel small for just a moment. If Steve wasn’t completely disgusted by what he said, then he would at least accept this offering of kindness for now.

They stayed like that for a while, long enough that Eddie started to wonder if he could just live here, right in Steve’s arms.

“It’s looking a little cloudy,” Steve said quietly, hands still rubbing Eddie’s back slowly.

“What?” Eddie still felt a little out of it, but that was entirely out of left field.

“You said we could talk about the weather.”

Eddie snorted. “Oh my God, you’re so-” Eddie looked up at Steve, who was smiling down at him. He felt off-kilter, being the object of that particular Steve look. “Stupid.”

It was fond, probably too fond for someone who needed to protect himself from whatever the hell was happening. He needed to shut this down.

“It’s been mentioned,” Steve’s eyes flickered down to Eddie’s lips, then back up to his eyes. “You good to head out?”

Eddie started to nod, but stopped.

This was his only chance. He wasn’t dumb enough to think he’d ever be alone with Steve again. If he was gonna kick start a spiral over feelings, he might as well go all out.

He stood at his full height, almost eye level with Steve, and leaned in.

The kiss was not even close to perfect. In fact, as far as kisses go, it was probably in the bottom three for Steve. Eddie chose not to think about how he screwed it all up.

But once the initial shock wore off, and Eddie put his teeth away, Steve’s hand cupped Eddie’s cheek and he licked past his lips.

Leave it to Steve to turn this around, make it something worth the risk.

Their lips moved in sync, both of them deepening the kiss without making it too wet, too filthy for a public space.

It was, dare he say, romantic.

Most kisses Eddie had managed to have were dirty and rough, hidden away in dark bars and alleyways, not exactly prime teen romance.

Of course Steve was good at this, of course he made Eddie melt against him, and of course Eddie was going to start writing hearts around Steve’s name in his notebook as if they were high school sweethearts.

When they pulled apart, it took him a minute to open his eyes. How stereotypical.

Steve was already looking at him, softer than he probably deserved.

“You’re pretty good at that,” Eddie breathed out.

“It’s been mentioned.” Steve’s lips turned up in a smirk before he pulled away completely. “Let’s go.”

They walked back through the school, stopping at Eddie’s locker to grab one of his textbooks as if he actually would use it. By now, he didn’t really need the textbooks to get his work done. And he was actually committed to getting it done this time around.

They were quiet as they continued out to the parking lot, only a few cars belonging to teachers left, maybe a few students stuck here for football or basketball practice. Steve’s car was towards the back, but Eddie’s was almost all the way in the grass field by the main road. It was less risky leaving it further away, less likely that anyone would slash the tires or key the side.

“You’re sure you can drive?” Steve asked as they stood outside his car.

“Yeah. Only five minutes to the trailer. It’ll be fine.” Eddie shrugged like it was nothing, but he was actually a little worried the kiss set him too off balance to focus on the road. Fuck the subspace, Steve’s lips were like discovering a new galaxy.

“Can I call you later? To check on you?” Steve seemed hesitant to ask.

“Uh, yeah? Do you…have my number?”

Steve shook his head, opening the door to his car and reaching into the glovebox to find a pen and an old receipt. As Eddie wrote down the number to the trailer, he thought about how much worse this would be tomorrow, how shitty it would be to have had this absolutely out of this world experience with the one person he never thought he could and then be left with scraps for the rest of his life.

“You uh, you don’t have to call, man. Don’t feel pressured. My uncle will be home so it’s not like I’ll be alone.”

Steve took the paper and pen back, folding the paper and putting it in his pocket and throwing the pen back into the car.

“I’m gonna call.” Steve moved a piece of Eddie’s hair from in front of his face. “You got a phone in your room?”

“No, but the one we have reaches to the bathroom?” Why the hell did he need one in his room?

“Good. Need you to be alone.”

“Steve, what the hell does that mean?”

“How else am I supposed to tell you what I wanna do to you?”

Well, fuck.

Day two: ao3 | tumblr

[aobsknowsspam]

TOO CLOSE

CHAPTER 1: MARRIAGE?

11:00 AM
Y/N’S POV

“I just don’t understand him,” I sigh, swirling my straw in my soda.

Minju’s eyebrows crinkle sympathetically. “Why? What did he do?”

I hesitate, thinking for a moment. “He just…” I trail off.

I bite my lip, my eyes shifting around the quiet restaurant, looking at nothing in particular.

“Does he give you the cold shoulder?” Minju asks, trying to help me find the words.

“Yes, but it doesn’t feel that way,” I say, twisting my wedding ring around my finger—a habit I’ve become far too used to.

“It’s not like he’s mean to me or anything. It just feels like we’re... acquaintances. He always works from six to ten, and when we do see each other, we don’t even speak. Just a bow and a nod. We live in the same house, Minju. I don’t even know how that’s possible.”

I sigh again, my voice rising with frustration. “I understand it’s an arranged marriage, but not even a hello? I’m not asking for much, but I can’t keep living in this awkward silence. It’s been five months.”

I go on a full-blown rant for nearly an hour, pouring everything out to Minju. I had always been told I talked too much, used my hands too much when I spoke, used my face too much, acted too immaturely. I didn’t mean to—it was just who I was. And I really had tried to fit into high society, but it was hard.

Everyone around me felt like the same: cutthroat, greedy bastards who’d only speak to you if they could benefit from it. My parents were no different. Neither were Jay’s.

They threw us together just weeks after deciding to merge their companies, painted it as some fairy-tale romance for the press. Now they pressure us to act “in love” for good publicity—something we’ve never even come close to faking.

Minju listens patiently, nodding gently as I finally pause to catch my breath. Then she asks, quietly, “Do you think you guys will stay married?”

She says it so sweetly that the heaviness of the question doesn’t even sting.

“No,” I reply, shaking my head. “There’s no way we’re lasting more than a year.”

The words come out like a fact, but deep down, it feels more like a hope.
I didn’t want to be with him. He held me back, turned me into nothing but a pawn in our parents’ game.

3:00 PM

Y/N’S POV

I stare at the large mahogany door. Jay’s dad had asked to meet me…scary. He always scared me—he had a dark aura that seemed to hang in the air around him.

“Come in,” a cold voice called from the other side.

I gently pushed open the door and stepped into the bleak world of moral corruption and glass walls. His office was freezing. I took in the view—it overlooked the Seoul skyline and had a perfect sightline to the Han River. A view only luxury could afford.

My eyes drifted from the dazzling scene to the massive desk in front of me... and the two men sitting across from each other.

Jay?
Jay’s dad must’ve noticed my surprise because he cleared his throat.

“We’re just finishing up here. Take a seat, Y/N,” he said smoothly.

I sat down. Jay didn’t even look at me.

Still, I stole a side glance at him. Damn, he’s handsome. Shame he’s not into me.

I quickly turned my attention back to Mr. Park—the older one—who smiled at me with his mouth but not his eyes.

“Jay, you may leave,” he said, still staring at me like he was sizing me up.

Jay stood, shook his father’s hand firmly, and finally turned to me. He gave me a curt nod. I offered him a small smile, but it didn’t faze him. Without a word, he left.

“I have a job offer for you, Y/N,” Mr. Park said, pulling my attention back to him.

I immediately perked up. Everyone knew I’d just graduated from Seoul National University with a degree in marketing. Getting a position at South Korea’s largest corporation would mean instant success for me. Maybe he was going to offer me a spot as a marketer… or even a CMO. After all, Jay had been handed his own company when he graduated.

“Really?” I said, trying to contain my excitement. “I would love that, sir— I mean, Father.” I forced a neutral expression.

He smiled coolly, and a chill ran up my spine. God, he’s scary.

“I want you to fill the position of Jay’s secretary,” he said calmly.

My smile dropped. A secretary? He wants me to be a secretary?

“What?” I said flatly.

He raised an eyebrow. “I want you to be Jay’s secretary,” he repeated, almost… condescendingly.

My brows furrowed, and my mouth parted slightly. “You don’t want me to…” I paused, choosing my words carefully, “...use my degree?”

He scoffed. “We have plenty of marketers. Don’t you want to go where you’re actually needed?”

I stared at him, unable to form words.

“Look, Y/N,” he continued, his tone smooth but sharp, “I need you to do this. I’ll explain why—but we’re family now. And since we’re family, I’m doing you a favor by giving you a job. Do you really think you’re in a position to complain… or demand more from me?”

He spoke like any seasoned businessman would—cool, convincing. But I saw through it. I knew what this really was.

He wanted Jay and me closer or for it to seem that way to the public anyway. And he’d get his way, no matter what I said.

Eventually, I agreed to the position. What else could I do? Saying no wasn’t really an option.

11:30 PM
Y/N’S POV

I got home late that night. Jay and I lived together in a luxury penthouse in the southern part of Seoul. It was a beautiful piece of modern architecture—and I hated it. It felt more like a museum than a home, where even touching things felt prohibited.

I stumbled into the kitchen, grabbing a cup for water. From down the hall, I could hear the soft typing and rustling of papers coming from Jay’s home office. I sighed—he really never stops working. Being his secretary was probably going to be hell too. I could already imagine the lengthy demands I’d have to fulfill every day.

I sat at the counter, sipping my water while scrolling through the news on my phone. The first article that popped up was about Jay’s father’s latest cheating scandal. I rolled my eyes. So that’s why he wanted me to be Jay’s secretary—to shift the spotlight from himself and back onto us.

As I skimmed through the article, Jay’s office door swung open. I looked up as he walked down the hall into the kitchen, a document in one hand and a coffee mug in the other. He didn’t acknowledge me, just casually walked to the back counter to make a fresh cup.

I stared at him. He was still in his slacks and a white button-up, glasses resting perfectly on his nose. Was he in on this secretary arrangement too? I pressed my lips together, trying to fight the bubbling curiosity and the twinge of fury I was starting to feel—but I couldn’t hold it in long enough for him to escape my question.

“Did you know he was going to ask me to be your secretary?”

The words cut through the silence like a knife, sharp and sudden, exposing the shards anger I’d tried to swallow.

Jay paused. He set his mug down and turned to face me, leaning back against the counter with his arms folded.

“Only about an hour before you did.”

Just like that, he put my suspicions to rest. He spoke just like his father—smoothly, but with enough firmness to leave no room for argument. And somehow, all my anger dispersed, replaced with a hollow embarrassment.

“Oh. I see.”
I nodded, avoiding eye contact as I stood up, desperate to escape the tension that crushed my confidence.

I walked toward the stairs, wanting to be anywhere but near the man who disarmed me so easily.

“I’m sorry.”

I froze.

He was… apologizing?

“I’m sorry your talents aren’t being put to use where they should be...” he said, his voice softer this time. He hesitated before adding, “I know how hard you worked for that degree.”

Tears stung my eyes, but I didn’t dare turn around. I kept my back to him, my voice quiet.

“Please… you didn’t even come to my graduation.”

My words didn’t hold anger—just a quiet pulse of disappointment. And with that, I trudged upstairs to my room, the silence behind me louder than anything he could have.

FLASHBACK – 1 MONTH AGO

JAY’S POV

I walked into the cultural center, gripping a bouquet of white carnations. I was about an hour early, but that didn’t matter—I wanted the perfect seat.

My wife was graduating from Seoul National University today, an accomplishment few could claim. I had graduated three years ago, and I still remembered the grueling hours and demanding professors. I was proud of Y/N. I didn’t know her well—but I didn’t need to. You could tell how hard she had worked. And how many people had doubted her.

Her own parents weren’t even coming. “Her mother had business she had to attend to,” they said. Conveniently, that “business” was in Paris—during fashion week.

It didn’t matter. If they wouldn’t be there for her, I would.

We had only known each other for 19 weeks—18 of which we’d been married—but I admired her. She was creative, kind, and beautiful. Anytime she entered a room, people were drawn to her bright personality and genuine conversation. And it showed. Her Instagram was close to a million followers. She’d won award after award for her marketing campaigns at university.

I kept up with it all. Quietly. I never had the nerve to talk to her. I knew she saw our marriage as a business arrangement—a merger between companies. I didn’t want to pressure her or make her feel obligated, so I stayed distant. Silent. Watching from the sidelines.

But today was different.

As I reached for the door to the auditorium, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I sighed and checked the screen.

Dad.

Of course.

I hesitated, but answered. “Hello?”

“Where the hell are you?” His voice was already laced with rage.

“I’m at my wife’s graduation,” I said, trying to stay calm.

“Wife’s graduation, my ass. You pushed off a five-billion-dollar meeting today for some bitch’s pointless degree?”

My grip on the phone tightened. I wanted to defend her—God, I wanted to—but before I could speak, he snapped again.

“The merger from your little marriage is worth half of this one. And you choose to skip for some girl you don’t even talk to? I don’t give a fuck if Y/N is dying in a gutter somewhere—you get your ass over here. Or I swear I’ll fire you and blacklist you from the entire business world.”

I froze. My heart dropped. He wasn’t bluffing—I’d seen him destroy men he once called friends. Even his own brother.

“…I’m on my way,” I muttered.

He hung up without another word.

I stood there for a moment, staring down at the carnations in my hand.

Then I opened the door to the auditorium. Just for a second.

There she was—laughing with her friends, glowing, radiant. Her joy filled the room even before the ceremony began. A small smile touched my lips.

I turned around.

On my way out, I handed the bouquet to a staff member at the front desk.

“Please give these to Y/N after the ceremony,” I said quietly.

Then I left—and went to the meeting.

TO BE CONTINUED…

[blueberrysoaps]

Under Pressure

Bakugo x Reader

Synopsis: Being in your last year of UA is starting to stress you out and you’re faltering under the pressure of deciding on an agency, the rest of your life, and the kind of hero you even want to be. You make a dangerous mistake and freak out. Bakugo is there to help (in his own way)

No gender or pronouns specified.

Warnings/content: anxiety, cannon typical danger, cursing, comfort, some zest towards the end.

M.list

Taglist

Focusing became harder and harder by the day. You used to think you worked well under pressure, everyone else did too. With a confident smile and good attitude you could do just about anything. However, the stress of getting older, and deciding on the rest of your life, was gnawing at your heart and mind.

You have so many offers, and you’re getting decision paralysis. You can’t help but feel like your peers have everything figured out, while you’re lagging behind for the first time. You thought you were managing okay, that everyone felt like this and you needed to power through! It’s worked so far.

Then disaster struck. That chord full of tension in your chest broke.

It wasn’t unusual for third years to help Pros when they’re short staffed. It’s good for networking and getting real experience. You’ve done it a million times.

The villains quirk was powerful, but they weren’t very smart about using it. Their attacks of sending debris flying, weren’t accurate. Even if it causes some damage.

You were preoccupied with how many emails you had to read later. Thinking of all the things you needed to prepare before graduating. Resenting the change before you.

The villain sent a rock flying at the last support beam of a building, he was soon apprehended by the pro you were working with, but the damage was done.

And hundreds of tons of concrete was falling over you.

You freeze completely. You haven’t done that in years. You can’t hear the cracking, or the calls of your name, or even Bakugo’s explosions as he blasts towards you.

A sea of grey and dust. You were drowning in it.

In the last second he grabs you, arms wrapped firmly around you, protecting your head as you roll through falling debris.

The sound of your own quick shallow breaths drown out his voice for a few moments. You panic only increasing now that you realize what happened.

“Hey! Snap out of it!”

It only proved what you already knew. You weren’t ready to be a pro. You nearly got yourself, and my extension Bakugo killed. You’re a burden.

Something he always loved about you was your ease of mind, confidence, and trust in yourself and others. You were someone he didn’t have to worry about. He could count on you to take care of yourself, and even, rarely, he’d lean on you.

Now he saw you gasping, mortified. He was confused, even scared. Was there something going on? You seemed so far away, in shock. Maybe you hit your head or something earlier and he didn’t see. He thought he saved you, didn’t he?

You lay there shaking. Both of you covered in dust as he pulled himself up, holding the sides of your face. Looking you over. It was hard to tell if there was blood or not.

“You’re not hurt, are you? Answer me!”

“I- I’m sorry, just-!” You try and pull away.

Thanks to him you weren’t injured. Thanks to him you weren’t dead. And thanks to you he risked his life. All cause you were distracted. You knew one mistake could be deadly and still you made one. You’re such an amateur!

The sigh he let out shook him. No way were you leaving his sight now. Something was up, he should have realized earlier. He pulled you close. His hot breath on your ear.

“What the hell are you apologizing for?”

It was how you seemed so far lately. How you jumped at every opportunity without thinking. Hoping to please everyone. All. The. Damn. Time. Spread so thin till there was nothing left of the person he knew.

“I froze- it was so stupid.”

Yeah it was stupid. Bakugo thought.

“Cause you can’t accept help! Can’t even be fucking glad I saved your ass!”

All he could think about was how many ways he just lost you, and you can’t get out of your damn head.

“I’m sorry-“

“Stop apologizing!”

You looked at him with glossy eyes, lip pouting like you can’t accept a word he’s saying. How clear does he have to be? If one miss step can ruin you like this how can you succeed? He’s not having it. He knows you’re stronger than this.

“What kind of hero apologizes for every little thing?”

You scoffed. Little? This wasn’t little. This was a disaster it proved every fear you’ve ever had.

“Maybe I’m not supposed to be one then!”

Maybe he seemed like it before, but he wasn’t angry about you fumbling like that. Or even doubting yourself, for a minute he believed he wouldn’t reach you in time. But talking about quitting now really pissed him off.

“Don’t be ridiculous! You know how stupid that sounds? You’re the most capable person I’ve ever met!”

The little annoying prideful voice in the back of his head told him to add “besides me” but he punched it down. Cause it’s not even true. There’s no one like you.

“Then why can’t I do anything right?”

Nothing was more right in the entire fucking world than kicking villain ass with you.

“Yes you can, idiot. But you can’t do everything right. Even I know that.”

The heroes found you. Wanting to have you both checked for injuries but Bakugo barked them off. You were fine. You’d be fine at least. No point in crowding around like a band of pests.

It’ll be okay. You told yourself on the walk back. In the shower as the grime washed down the train. Your heavy heart grounding you in reality.

Bakugo doesn’t give out praise. Only facts.

The only thing to be sorry for is misunderstanding yourself so deeply, that you thought he’d lie about something like that. For believing no one could understand.

And even as he nags you about being more careful, as he patches up your cuts and scrapes, you grin so sincerely down at him, crouched down by your knee as you sat on his perfectly made bed.

“Just like you to stand right under a falling fucking building.” He grumbles, dabbing the wound with a cotton pad. “Not even the first fucking time.”

“Thank you.”

He gazes up through his eyelashes, with a scowl.

Ba-dum.

“Did you seriously think I’d let you get crushed? Shut up.” He glanced back down, red cheeked and stiff.

“No you shut up.” You bounce your knee to grab his attention again.

You feel so much lighter, achy and sore, knowing you’ve done all you can for now. Exhaustion was a comfort. Spentness means the day is over. You can breathe.

He glares as he holds your leg down by your thigh. He wasn’t sure if you were actually good or not. Which smiles were faked. What joke was at your own expense.

“Shut the hell up and sit still before I make you.”

Da-bum

“Don’t tell me what to do.” You tilt your head down with a challenge look. Bouncing your leg again.

There you are.

He laughed. Clear like a spring stream.

You were good.

I mean for now.

Before he got his hands on you.

[ray-winters]

MR. WINTERS-VELHO UR SONG IS SO GOOD IVE BEEN LISTENING TO IT ON ACTUAL REPEAT SINCE IT RELEASED

Would you be interested in doing like a lyric genius style breakdown of the meaning/what you were thinking when you wrote it? I’m curious- I feel a lot of connection to the lyrics/pos

You are the coolest ever 😌😌😌

AYO THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I appreciate that, I am so happy with the response so far.

Yeah absolutely, I'll attach the like lyric breakdown below the cut (But here's the song if you haven't gotten the chance yet!) - spoiler alert, it was very inspired by a show that I think saved my life "NEWSIES" and the main character, Jack Kelly.

I'm not too sure how like. In depth I should get here. But if you want all the secrets and answers, I gotchu.

So, let me give you a little backstory here. I wrote "I Will Run" specifically about when I was a 17 year old senior in high school. For reasons that as of rn I'd rather keep to myself, my home life was pretty shakey. The only real constant I had in my life at that point was high school theatre, and with graduation quickly approaching, that was about to be taken away from me.

I went to a private Catholic high school and was pressure by a variety of different people to stay in the closet and keep it to myself. (Namely, my parents, some friends, my director) While they did this to protect me, and I understand why (2013 was a different time) I still wanted to scream it from the fucking mountaintops and let the entire world know that I was gay and that I didn't have a problem with it and that if they did it was their own damn fault. But, I didn't. I kept it inside. Which like. I do regret. But, that's my story.

Around that time, I truly felt like it was high key all coming apart. My mom was in and out of hospitals, my dad was doing his best to keep it all together, I'm the youngest so my sisters weren't always around anymore. The only real places I could escape and get away were video games, theatre, movies, music, and TV. Specifically in video games, I COULD run away. I COULD be something bigger and better. Same with theatre- I wasn't ME, I didn't have to deal with MY problems, I could handle someone else's problems instead. It was sort of my only version of therapy at the time.

It was my senior year that I discovered the musical "NEWSIES" - a show that remains to this day in my top 2. I saw Jack Kelly on stage and I saw myself. If you don't know, Jack Kelly is the leader of the Manhattan Newsies, everyone looks up to him, everyone wants to be him, yet when it comes down to it...he's just a scared kid who wants nothing more than to run away from all of the bullshit in his life. I felt seen. At school I very much so came across as having the perfect life, having it all put together, and being the "cool" senior (in the theatre scene, outside of theatre I was a complete nobody.) Little did everyone know that I was high key dying inside.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY-

Flash forward to 2021. The world has just started coming back from shutting down, I had just moved out of an incredibly toxic situation, and I am finally starting to get my life back together. I wanted to write a song that would make 17 year old Ray proud. So I really went back to a pretty dark place and thought about what I would've needed at that time. And I guess, what I did get, which was the song "Santa Fe" from Newsies. A song about the desperate need to run away, leave it all behind, and thrive elsewhere. So that's what I wrote.

I wanted to write a song that was full of me; references to things that made me who I am, things that I loved, etc. I drew inspiration from pop rock/pop punk anthems like "The Great Escape", "Dirty Little Secret", "Move Along", "Gives You Hell", "Melt With You" (Bowling for Soup), etc. etc. And I put it all together.

The 8-Bit Video Game aesthetic of the song reflects how Video Games high key saved my life and gave me an escape.

The first lyrics, "My feet are on the ground, but my head is in the clouds." are a reference to my personal favorite quote from Newsies- “Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. You can do this.”

"Looking for my perfect sweet escape" is a vague but intentional nod to "The Great Escape"

The biggest nod to Newsies, though, is at the end of the bridge right before the band drops out. I sing, "I will fly, I WILL RUN" - the 3 notes I sing for that "I will run" are the exact same 3 notes of the final "SANTA FE"" in the iconic Newsies act 1 closer "Santa Fe".

I wanted a stomp clap section, similar to the ones that "Gives You Hell" and "Could Have Been Me" by The Struts have. I lovingly refer to this as "concert bait".

Oh, finally, this is an easter egg to pretty much only me. But this isn't actually the first song I've ever put out, it's just the first one as an adult. Back in 2013, I was just starting to write music. My dad knew a producer who charged us...way too much money...for a product that wasn't really exceptional. I don't think it represents me as an artist, so I sort of just...scrubbed it from the internet and moved on. However, that EP was called "Unmasked" - it essentially was my way of trying to be an inspirational gay super pop star, but what I really needed was for someone to vet my songs and tell me to keep working before I release anything. The title track, "Unmasked", had a melody line in the chorus that I reused for the intro & post-chorus guitar lick in "I Will Run" - sort of a way to pay homage to who I was at the time that I wrote this new song about. While embracing who I have become since.

I know there's a lot of ME in the song, but let it be known, I wrote it for anyone who feels stuck, overlooked, outcasted, and alone. There really is a world full of people out there ready to embrace you- everyone's got a group. It just might take you a little while to find it. And, in the meantime, if you gotta scream your troubles out to a song, and disappear into your favorite video game, movie, tv series, or book? Then you do that. Self preservation. But, don't give up; because it's not forever.

I don't know that I missed anything, but yeah. That's sort of my mini write up on "I Will Run" - the context, who I was in the time I wrote it about, who I was when I actually wrote it, what it's about to me, and what I hope it can be about to you.

More to come. 2 more singles this year, and then a full album/ep in January! See you then ^_^

-Ray

[plum-pitt]

LU Age headcanons:

Heyo! Been a while since i rambled about my favorite silly elf boys but this just came on the brain so I thought i’d talk about it! But as a twist, i’m conceptualizing their ages through the lens of a persons development in modern society.

(Disclaimer, this is based purely on appearance and vibes, with just a little input from canon. Also sorry sky fans looking at that mf genuinely scares me because i feel like he could be anywhere from 17 to 25 or even older than time itself and i still wouldn’t know. that fucker just can’t register in my brain.)

Wind: This is fucking textbook 14 year old boy. You can’t tell me he doesn’t still jump up to smack the top of every doorframe he walks through, and pull up clothed head to toe in obnoxious highlighter yellow athletic wear every day.

Four: He’s definitely a 16 year old but like- the kind of 16 year old that’s the only one in the group who has a car, if that makes any sense. Like he IS squad soccer mom.

Hyrule: He’s 17, but that very specific brand where he’s got everyone in his life getting on his ass to figure out what he wants to do after highschool, and probably won’t even figure out if he wants to go to college or not until like a week before graduation.

Wild: This here a 19 year old, he’s moved out already, leaving his high pressure home life behind to live happily somewhere far away with his gf, exploring a whole new world of possibilities free of expectations, and probably also his gender identity.

Legend: This fucker is that one 20 year old you know that is already so burnt out and jaded by the idea of adulthood you’d think he’s getting close to retirement age. But nah he’s just THAT over it.

Warriors: Frat guy who just turned 21 and slowly having the dawning realization that drinking is a lot less fun when it’s legal for him to do it.

Twilight: This man 22 and has his whole fuckin life together, went straight into work after highschool and is probably the only guy in his friend group with a stable income. Really just took to adulthood like a fish to the river. Definitely has nieces and nephews he spoils and brags to his friends about all the time like they’re actually his kids.

Time: Haha look at this fuckin mortgage payer. Ok so i can’t guess his actual mental age, but physically he looks like a guy in his early 40s, fresh outta his midlife crisis, looking confident and very dilfy, despite the fact that he’s woefully childless. Don’t ask me how i arrived at this conclusion or why it matters but he definitely collects antique furniture with his wife.

[vesora]

hi sora, i hope you’re doing well! So yeah i’m coming from loa to ND. i totally get that you don’t have to remind yourself you’ve so and so desire BC you already are what you want to be. tbh i’ve been in that mindset for two days or so and then when after a month, i just get really swayed by others. Like rn i wanna assume i already graduated uni, but i still have a huge research project due which i didn’t start 💀. i’m lowkey dying ngl, SO HOW DO I APPROACH this situation? do i actually do the research project or just know that i already graduated w honors and i’ve everything i want?

idk if i made any sense, but i hope you can help me out!

thank you so much

honestly you not starting this project will just give you greater anxiety and put pressure on what is a calm serene process

start the project but just know that you've already graduated with honours. leave the world alone, let the character do what it must do. and change your 'inner activity'. the world is an illusion perpetrated by your authority but as long as you identify with that which is unreal, you will feel anxious and scared, thinking you must do something to change the world.

[inonetoomanyfandoms]

Doing this because I like tag games though I know full well I’m scared of tagging people this is fine

But wooo thanks @lost-my-sanity1 and @watchingblsnowandforever for tagging me :)))

Last Song: Zzz… by Xdinary Heroes

Last Book: ✨Heaven Official’s Blessing✨ I just started only at the start of book 2 but AHHHH

Last Movie: I think it was Mufasa but ngl no idea

Last TV Show: Perfect 10 Liners (behind 2 eps) and Us (behind god knows how many) (emi thasorn my wife) (I’m so good at this guys)

Sweet/Spicy/Savoury: savoury. Cannot for the life of me have spicy food and sweets get too sweet.

Current obsession: Hua Cheng is so fuckin charming oh my god this DICE SHAKER THING y’all I was kicking my feet like a school girl. ALSO YUSION IN THE POPPOP MV nct not beating allegations any time soon. Also also been thinking WAY too much about patpran I miss them immensely. I think I just have one single braincell and it’s just an extreme fujioshi what is my life.

Last Searched: “female fans of yuri name” (I was seeing if I spelt fujioshi right and then got curious) (the answer is apparently “himejoshi”)

Looking Forward To: my uni letting me graduate and fucking release me. I FINISHED IN JANUARY AND THEY STILL HAVENT IDNNDKS. also ✨ticket to heaven✨

No pressure tags: I’m too scared to tag so anyone who wants to use this as your tag 🙃🙂🙃🙂🙃🙂

[beautifulground]

g

the way my nervous breakdown happeened was very simple. it was the perfect storm. so my friend died in a crash in january and i’m having horrible insomnia so i’m already kind of a wreck. then i get a new position on the ship and am SO SO SO EXCITED and then my friend gets drunk and tells me that he swayed the board and i only got the job cuz of him. and then i DONT get squad leader, which everyone has told me i’d get since day 1.

so the job i was supposed to get, on my own merits, that i was completely confident in, and they didn’t choose me. they DID choose me for something but only because my friend has rank. so to my bpd ass this means you are worthless and a horrible dissapointment and failure. almost a year later and i still think that about myself because so you know how embarassing it is to not get swuad lesder? and to have eevryone remind you of that 24/7?

and then we go into junior year when everything 24/7 is about command. constantly being told that if you fuck up people will die. (which is great, after my friend did just die in a crash,) and i was good at this i have always been good under pressure but now my world has been shattered and i can’t trust myself with anything. im so terrified of making the wrong mistake and it being my fault. and like i graduate in a year you can’t have a fucking officer who’s too scared to give a command.

i mean hopefully. dude i don’t even want to hope anymore i’m tired of getting my dreams ruined. but i hope the time away in colorado getting back into nature meeting people who don’t hate me and getting away from this place will get my confidence back. but i don’t knwo!!! what if i’m just fucked forever. i know that these negative thought patterns are bad, i know i have a distorted view of reality because of the bpd (or cptsd truly who cares.) but what am i supposed to do.

[theaenetworks]

Marital partnership is one of the essential elements of healthy marriage. Unloading mental load for couples so that they can feel more relaxed co-manage their family and get actively involved especially in the day-to-day upbringing of their children. Sometimes they need this relieve from their partners but they lack the right language or even don’t know how to go about unloading this mental load, this is because they are scared of what everyone will make of it, the pressure is already there disrupting healthy pathway to marital partnership, running a family; preparations, taking care of the children, settling of bills and all whatnot come from healthy partnership which both partners can come together and make a list of what they are expected to handle, without leaving it unprepared. One party may think that his sole duty is to pay all the bills while the other may settle with domestic arrangements.

It is about the level of engagement from both parties, how they handle their daily schedules. Most of the time, children crave for presence of their father but they could hardly get enough of that. Mothers cook, serve meals, prepare them for school, take care of their school work and sing lullaby to send them to sleep, when it becomes difficult to sleep. Children that enjoy the company of both parents through marital partnership tend to grow in different atmosphere. It is like a father missing his child graduation, because he thinks that, his wife is already after all he doesn’t necessarily needs to be there, once he has paid all the required payments.

Environment may play bigger role in having a formidable marital partnership, people are raised differently and they tend to see life from that angle. What one person conceived to be responsibility, another may view it differently. Social expectations and pressure both from internal and external, in that space they learned what their responsibility is and isn’t. And it goes on like that, even partners with honest intentions to have strong marital bond will find it difficult to unload the mental load. This discussion can spark from little act of connection, the quietness of mind then comes; “we need to go to groceries store to stuck up”, “I’m taking the kids to school throughout this week”, “I have a day off this weekend do you mind a date with me?”, “I want to be part of preparing the list of what we need to buy, I don’t only want to give money alone”, it can continue, you just have to be self-aware.

It goes through the eyes of forming a teammate, jointly a hard task can be accomplished without much stress. Sometimes “how can I help” can bring a moment of clarity and relieve mental load. Getting involved with household work with little you can, don’t make you less of a man, you just need to put your ego aside, to improve your relationship, may be you get to see life differently and better. Now, holidays are fast approaching, one of the best time of year, the mental preparation shouldn’t be pushed to one party, if both parties get ahead of the time, make a list together of the family needs, and the guests putting things in order to spark and create the ambience, at the end of the day, they get to realise how figuring it out together had made them a better couple, with that you unload mental load to have a health marital partnership.

https://anthonyemmanuel.com/unloading-mental-load-pathway-to-healthy-marital-partnership/

#maritalcounseling #maritalpartnership #partner #Partnership #PartnershipGoals #healthymarriage #healthyrelationships

[weird-dere-writes]

writing my thesis (or attempting to!) and thinking about convincing Byakkun to take a work trip from Soul Society to the World of the Living and do his paperwork in a little antique library with me while I do my thesis work

and then we treat ourselves at a little Japanese sweet shop afterwards!

The idea of a having to do research and then write a graduate thesis has always scared the FUCK outta me I’m ngl. U are so strong for this and I am so proud of you 🫡. You are doing great lovely and I commend you <33333.

Byakkun knows as you near the end of your last year at your uni that there is a lot of pressure and that your academic crazies intensify. So even though he is all the way in soul society, he is always thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing.

It’s a good thing that the Seireitei has upgraded their phones in recent years! Now he can call you daily and see your face so he doesn’t have to wonder.

When you bring up the idea of a work trip, Byakuya is on it immediately. Renji swears he’s never seen his captain try to push paperwork through to the top so quickly. The lieutenant almost thought something was wrong. But then he just realized the man was giddy to get going, in his own way. Showing it through his actions rather than expression, as usual.

And when Shunsui finally gets his eyes on the request, he’s smiling and shrugging as he signs it off. As long as the sixth squad captain is getting his work done, regardless of where he is, who is the head captain to say no?

A day goes by after you make the suggestion and you’re getting ready for bed. Just as you shimmy into your comfy bottoms, about to hop in the bed, a bright light and shoji materializes in your room. Shortly after, the door slides open and Byakuya is stepping through; feeling his stomach flutter as he sees the sparkle in your eye and the smile on your face at his arrival.

He spends the night with you, only to have disappeared from your abode the next morning. You’re confused, perhaps a little worried, about to call him just as your doorbell rings. And when you go to answer, there he is.

He’d woken up early, going to Kisuke’s to get himself a gigai. He wanted to be there with you all the way, wherever you wanted to go. What kind of man would he be, walking around with you but making the world that couldn’t see him think you’re by yourself?

He’s back inside as you get yourself ready to go out. And then you’re off!!

He had never really heard of an antique library before you took him there that day. It was different from libraries he was used to, but he found the atmosphere quaint, and comforting. He wouldn’t mind returning here every once in a while with you to get his work done.

Not only that, but he loves that if you need help that he can actually be there to help you. All he has to do is simply turn around and take a look at your work. He can point at the things he wants you to emphasize. He can lovingly and comfortingly caress you too when you need encouragement. All in all, as he tends to be when he’s with you, he is just happy to be there 🫶🏾.

Byakkun didn’t come with world of the living currency, so he says he’ll pay you back for the sweets at the sweet shop and he MEANS IT. He would have paid if he could, and he isn’t letting you get away with covering his ass uwu. He’s too gentlemanly for that. His chivalry is at its strongest when it comes to you, my dear. And he won’t let anyone else forget it. Because he is the man for u, indeed 💜.

Kith 😘💋

[pacifymebby]

hi sorry to ask this but what are the warning signs for an ed and how do I stop myself? I feel like I’m becoming obsessed with calories and I’m genuinely scared

no pressure to answer though!!! I know it’s a difficult topic

Aw no this is okay to ask!!! I'm really more than happy to try and give people any advice I can or like support at all.

My first bit of advice is really that as soon as you start worrying that there could be a problem, reach out and talk to someone. Try to get help as fast as possible. Eating Disorders are quite complicated and addictive so it's best to nip them in the bud so they can't make their little roots and come back again if that makes sense. The stat for recovery within the first two years of diagnosis is so much better for the stat for recovery outwith that time frame.

Secondly, when I start noticing that I'm focussing on calories too much, when I catch myself worrying about the food i want to eat I kinda take a step back and ask myself "am I hungry, am I craving this food, is it going to make me happy/will eating it be a good experience" usually the answer to one of these questions is yes and if it is then you can be like, "well then I need the food calories don't matter"

Depending how far in you are that can be hard though. A lot of the time I have the argument outloud with B and he reasons with me.

I think like, trying not to check the calories helped me,but then other people I know have said checking the calories and then saying "but that's okay" helps them because by purposefully not checking calories you're letting yourself fear them still. It kinda depends what works best for you but try both ways until something works.

Also like, 9 times out of 10 and eating disorder isn't just about food and weight loss. Sounds stupid but write in your diary about everything that's worrying you and making you feel bad. Like my ed genuinely stems from wanting someone else to take care of me, like feeling like the only way I can be taken care of is if I'm really seriously ill. It's like a cry for help behaviour that stems from trauma and probably if we'd discovered this when I was first ill I could maybe have been assisted to recover quite nicely.

So like working out what's making you obsess over calories, like are you controlling that because there's something else in your life worrying you that you feel like you can't control. Things that have triggered my ed in the past have been things like GCSEs, starting a new college and being anxious about all the new stuff, applying to uni, trying to graduate, actually finishing uni and realising I don't know what to do with my life and having no set routine or goals so then the ed came back as something to focus on, living in a bad environment (mouldy cold house, being poor so couldn't change circumstances), traumatic life events like sexual assault etc...

Really small seemingly trivial things can trigger it and like once you realise that, like fixing the external problem can often help.

I think like initial warning signs are things like

Worrying about calories, counting them obsessively etc

Constantly checking how you look, worrying about it, worrying about how clothes fit and like feeling uncomfortable in clothes you used to love

If your minds constantly distracted and preoccupied with thoughts about appearance, weight, exercise, losing weight, cutting out foods etc...

Something else for me is that I always get quite into like other stuff too, I get an urge to buy skincare products and new health foods or like new exercise clothes.

Staying away from certain areas of Tumblr and other socials is like imperative btw.

But yeah my main thing is if you're worrying about maybe you're developing disordered behaviour then get help asap!!! It's not shameful to ask for help and eating disorders are so so miserable so like escaping them at the earliest possible stage is really important!!!

[boobblog]

5/30/25

It's been a while weird online journal/book/blog friend. I called in today. I’m not happy about it, despite wanting to call in literally every day since I’ve been back at work. Anytime I don't go in feels like a failure. This time, though Luke called in for me because I’m not ok. Boy Howdy, we've been giving it hell though and I have been trying, and faking it. I just can’t get to the "make it" part of that saying. And that's why I'm not happy, because I NEEDED the day off, and again, I was ignoring it.

Is that weird? It feels so weird saying my husband called in for me, like he’s my parent. But, it’s exactly that reason that I recognized how not OK I am. For right now anyway. Again. I’m just real pissed. About all of it and whatever "this" phase is, truly sucks on new levels of suckery.

The day I heard I was cancer free was so exciting, it felt like the world was brand new. I was also brand new, and so excited to get back to normal. Sure, I still know how to do all the things, I’ve always been able to do. I am fully aware that I have the ability to do them. But the intentions behind them, the drive to do them and the person doing the things is different. My wants and needs change before I can even begin to pick up any semblance of structure. It’s scary. Because that day was like a rebirth and I’m the little bald baby. But Cancer Free!

So I’m struggling with needing structure and stability and to just go to work. While instantly reverting back into the old habits of not listening to my body. Yay capitalism!!

I’m also scared. What if it comes back? One of my husbands students just lost their mother. The day before graduation. That’s not fair or just. Why do I get to stay and not her? Is the only difference “time”? Or was it because I had more access and opportunities to quicker treatment? Which is also time related.

(and systemically designed to prevent black and brown people from receiving healthcare because we live in a racist nation...in case you were wondering)

Time isn’t real. Listen, we made it up for super valid reasons, don’t get me wrong. But, if the justification for me being alive is simply because of chance and luck, then I’m not convinced. It’s not enough to make any of this kind of suffering worth it. Yea I said it, suffering. It's the only word that can encompass the complexity of navigating our current situation. And regardless of how relieved and grateful I am, to be here. Here is not easy.

I have an endless list of “things” contributing to just how exhausted I am. But, I think people are tired of hearing about it. I noticed I say something about my cancer everyday, any time I think of it really. So I’ll leave the mitigating factors out for now.

While editing I had a thought:

We know when you are uncomfortable with the conversation. We know when the affirmations are forced, or when an attempt at placating is made. We know, and it's more offensive than being honest. We know that if you were being honest you would say "I'm uncomfortable and/or lack empathy, so in my selfish attempt at caring I'm just going to make you feel unwelcome." Sit with that and do better. I suppose that is a little aggressive, and possibly offensive but I will not apology for existing. Because I was allowed to exist, even after Mother Fucking Cancer.

Back on track on:

Essentially, by no fault but my own, I feel pressure to go back to normal. I don’t know how to go back and be who I was before cancer. I also want to make it explicitly clear that I am not dwelling on the fact that I had cancer. It’s not a concept that I can’t get over. Physiologically I am a different person who just happens to look fairly similar to how she did a year ago. But, I will not deny the fact that things needed to change before cancer, and things need to change after cancer.

I hate to admit when I can’t do something, I do realize I say “I CANT!” all the time but, those of you that know me know how I say it. But I’ve encountered some things that I just can’t do anymore.

I can’t afford to be so hard on myself for not being OK. I can’t afford to not prioritize myself anymore. I can’t afford to see our struggles as failures anymore.

So you see, I do need Luke to make some decisions for me and tell me to get my ass back in bed and everything is going to work out. Because, I’m still learning how to take care of myself.

Next week, I try again.

[w1w2]

Yes yes 🫶 and i really appreciate it <3333

Tbh I'm confused what should I do and stuff because this is like an actual fanfiction and but it's not ykwm?

TW! mention of suicide

So, last year I went to a graduation party for one of our mutual friends, and I ended up hooking up with someone there. We both agreed to keep it quiet and didn’t exchange numbers. A few days later, we ran into each other again and had a proper conversation. Before she left, she took my number but she never texted me after that. Then in February, I found out through a friend that she wanted to meet up. I couldn’t make it because I was caught up with film stuff, and honestly, I assumed it was just going to be another casual thing. But earlier this month just a week before my birthday she had attempted suicide, and I got to know 2 days before my birthday. Days later I saw some screenshots of her talking to a friend, saying she actually liked me but was scared to involve me in her life because things were really messy for her. She was under pressure from her family to marry someone else (a guy), and even though she liked me, she didn’t know how to handle everything. Apparently, she was planning to surprise me by coming to my city on my birthday… and she even got a tattoo related to me. It’s been a lot to take in. The truth is I liked her too but I never told anyone because I get attached easily and without her number or knowing where things stood, I just stayed quiet.

Now, I’m left trying to understand how to move forward from all of this.

I told my other friends (colleagues) about all of this, and they said, "This could be a great plot for a sad movie," lol.

-🪼

Wow. That’s a lot to carry..

I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through it.

It really is like a fanfiction and it’s not just sad. It’s complicated and emotional and it clearly meant something real to both of you, even if it all happened quietly. I don’t think there’s a simple way to move forward from something like this, but I do think it matters that you cared and still care.

That says a lot about you.

Also, I do understand the girl, I know how meesy it can be. I was at that really low point in my life once.

If I were in your shoes, I’d probably be replaying everything too.. Trying to figure out what it all meant, what I missed or could’ve done. BUT at some point, it’s not about "what ifs", it’s about giving yourself space to feel it, grieve it if you need to and be honest about what you want now.

[meyxyy]

Day 30: Second practice for graduation.

Today was our second practice for graduation, and things went a little more smoothly. We ran through a lot of the details we had missed yesterday, and it felt like everyone was more in sync. There’s still a lot of work to do, but the fact that we’re getting better every time feels reassuring. I’m starting to feel the pressure of it all. 

Graduation is really coming, and I think I’m starting to feel both excited and nervous. It’s strange, knowing that after all this time, we’ll all be going our separate ways soon. There’s something bittersweet about it. On one hand, I’m excited for what’s next, but on the other, I’m scared of what that means. As we went through the practice, I kept thinking about how different everything’s going to be. It’s like we’ve all been in this bubble together, and now, we’re about to step out into the real world. It’s a little overwhelming, but also a little freeing at the same time. 

I felt a mix of emotions. It’s like a part of me is still in disbelief that this is really happening, but another part of me is ready to take on whatever comes next. I’m still figuring out how I feel about everything, but I guess that’s okay. We’re almost there. Graduation’s just around the corner and I’m starting to realize that this chapter of my life is almost finished. It’s scary, but I think it’s time to let go of the old and get ready for what’s to come.