#I think the pressure of graduation is getting to me and I’m scared for what comes next

[glittertimes]

I keep feeling like I’m not going to survive if I have to keep living in this house and every attempt I make to get out of here never works out and then I feel like the only escape is ending everything and I don’t want to do that :(((

[steddieas-shegoes]

i wanna make your heartbeat run like roller coasters

for @subeddieweek day one with the prompts manhandling and accidental subspace

rated e | 3,520 words | please check ao3 for tags

⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕⭕

Eddie gets pushed against a lot of lockers.

It’s rarely accidental.

It’s always painful.

He doesn’t exactly have a lot of meat on his bones. Every hit leaves a bruise.

So when Steve fucking Harrington does his own dirty work for once, even though he graduated the way Eddie was supposed to, it’s just a bit embarrassing that it doesn’t hurt. It feels…kinda like he should be on his knees.

Which is really not something he wanted to think about when Steve’s got a hand on his shoulder, gripping hard enough to bruise, and something like fear in his eyes. Why is he scared?

“Did you sell weed to Robin?” he asked, teeth clenched.

Jesus fucking Christ. Steve’s got himself a band nerd girlfriend. How the hell did that happen?

“No, I sold to her friend. She waited by the treeline talking to herself the entire time.”

Eddie could hear his own voice shaking, but he wouldn’t back down. Black eyes were kinda metal weren’t they?

“Which friend?”

“Dude, I don’t even know. Someone else in band.”

The hand on his shoulder tightened and he barely bit back a whimper.

Steve’s eyes were very pretty this close. They were pretty from far away, too. Honestly, having Steve this close was probably rewiring something already broken in his brain. Having Steve’s hand on him like this was making his brain do somersaults trying to stay focused.

And then his hand was gone.

Eddie breathed in, breathed out.

“Sorry. I-” Steve shook his hands out and backed away. “Sorry.”

Eddie ignored whatever the fuck was happening in his stomach. It shouldn’t be happening so it isn’t, simple as that.

“Maybe you should ask your girlfriend if you’re so worried about her buying drugs.” Eddie should learn to shut his mouth at some point. “I only sell to the people who come to me first.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I remember.” Steve wiped his hand down his face. “Sorry again.”

Eddie looked him up and down, taking in the fact that he was genuinely apologizing. No one ever apologized for knocking him around, not even when it was on accident.

“You good?” He eventually asked.

“Yeah. Just, she’s been through a lot. I didn’t really want her to get pressured into buying something,” Steve sighed. “Has she come out of the band room yet? I’m supposed to bring her to work.”

“Uh, yeah man, everyone left an hour ago.”

Eddie watched Steve’s face fall as he checked his watch and must’ve realized the time.

“Shit. Okay. I must’ve lost track of time.”

Steve looked pitiful. Eddie’s seen dogs in alleys who looked less beaten down and neglected than Steve currently did.

“I can help you find her?” Eddie offered for some unknown reason.

Well, he knew the reason, but he was choosing to ignore it.

“She’s probably already at work. It’s my day off so I ended up getting distracted with something and didn’t realize it was so late,” Steve admitted, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. “Thanks, though.”

Wayne liked to tell Eddie he was too nice to undeserving people. Lord knows he gave his dad too many chances and got let down every time. He even tried to be friends with Tommy Hagan in middle school because he could sense something was going on with Tommy’s dad much like his own.

But Eddie liked to remind Wayne that Eddie is often considered undeserving and he took him in and gave him multiple chances regardless.

“You wanna smoke?” Eddie asked, despite knowing he barely has anything left after the long week of midterms for students. His busiest times of year were right before school breaks, midterms, finals, and graduation weekend. He usually stocked up, but with Rick being in prison again, he had to try to stretch what he had out.

“Uh…smoke what?”

“Weed.” Then it hit Eddie that maybe Steve was into harder stuff. But he hadn’t ever even bought from him in high school. Tommy had, Carol had, almost everyone at his parties had, but Steve never did. “I have regular old cigs too if you prefer.”

“Yeah, man, cool,” Steve sighed with relief.

“I got a spot behind the cafeteria if you wanna…”

“Sure, yep, let’s go,” Steve nodded, gesturing towards the double doors that led outside to the cafeteria and auditorium buildings.

As they walked, Eddie’s mind raced with thoughts of being alone with Steve, Steve’s arm brushing against his, Steve pushing him against the wall of the cafeteria, of Eddie dropping to his knees and unbuttoning Steve’s pants and-

“I’m really sorry about what happened back there.”

Steve’s voice shook him from his thoughts, but his dick didn’t quite get the memo. When did he even start getting hard?

“No worries, dude.” His face scrunched in disgust at calling Steve dude. What was next, the bro pat on the back? A fist bump? “Kinda jealous of how protective you are of your girlfriend.”

Okay, actually, what the fuck? Eddie needed to shut his fucking face, right the fuck now.

“She’s not my girlfriend, but uh, I don’t think you’re really her type either,” Steve gave him a look, one Eddie knew well and one he couldn’t quite believe he was seeing on Steve’s face right now.

“Right, right.” Eddie wouldn’t make him say it, especially if it was actually the look he thought it was, but maybe he could offer a little something in return. “Yeah, she’s not really my type either.”

Steve stopped just before they reached the hidden area behind the dumpster and picnic table for staff to smoke.

“Really?” Steve’s eyes were wide. “So you’re more into…someone like…me?”

Eddie was actually leaking into his goddamn boxers. Why was he getting turned on just talking to Steve?

“That would be one way of saying it,” Eddie said. Still easy enough to back out of it, at least. Could just say he likes women who wear polos and use more hairspray than Melvald’s has ever carried at any given time.

“Huh,” Steve continued walking to the picnic table, sitting on top of it and kicking some dirt off the bench by his legs for Eddie to sit. “So those rumors were true?”

“That depends on if I’m gonna make it back home to my very loving uncle if I say yes.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Obviously, I’m not gonna judge you about it when my best friend is-” He cut himself off and Eddie had to give him major credit. The Steve he used to know never would’ve cared if he outed someone, or at least never would have realized that was wrong. He coughed and then looked down at the bench. “You gonna sit?”

Eddie sat down on the bench, extremely close to Steve’s legs. Almost touching. Was that heat coming from his body or was Eddie just extremely warm?

“Did you actually wanna smoke or did you just wanna get out of the hall?” Steve asked after another minute of awkward silence.

“We can smoke.” Eddie reached into his pocket, hating how tight his jeans were in the front, and grabbed his lighter. His pack of cigarettes were usually stored in his van because he rarely smoked them, but luckily he’d brought them with him all week to sneak smokes between classes. He pulled one out and handed it to Steve.

He started to light his own when Steve leaned down, his face right next to Eddie’s, breath hot on his neck.

“You aren’t gonna light it for me?”

Eddie whimpered.

He would deny it a million times over if anyone asked. He almost had himself believing he imagined it.

But Steve laughed and backed away, pulling out his own lighter and giving Eddie a second to catch his breath.

What the fuck was that? Did Steve know he was making Eddie’s brain flatline?

He watched Steve take a long drag out of the corner of his eye, his mind shuffling between ‘what if he fucked me right here?’ and ‘get the hell away before your dick pops a hole in your jeans.’

Steve’s lips were so pink, and looked so soft, and just wet enough from licking his lips before taking the next drag, and Eddie was really going through it right now.

He’d gone through his Steve Harrington phase just like everyone else, thought it was over when he graduated. Had avoided the mall all summer when he heard he was working at Scoops so he didn’t have to see him in those tiny blue shorts. Had even gone so far as to avoid being around when the kids were being picked up from Hellfire because Dustin mentioned Steve was his ride.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Except for Eddie’s imagination was impressive, and his late night thoughts turned into very vivid scenes of Steve working him to the edge and making him beg, or pushing him against a locker and making him take his cock with barely any prep, or-

“Dude, anyone ever tell you you’re kinda space-y?” Steve’s voice once again lifted him from his thoughts, though he felt a bit hazy.

“Think I’m comin’ down with something,” Eddie squeaked out. All he was coming down with was a sickness deep in his chest: Harrington Heart-itis.

“Did you hit your head?” Steve sounded concerned now, setting his cigarette in the ashtray left on the table and moving so he had one leg on either side of Eddie. His fingers landed in Eddie’s hair, pulling his head closer and inspecting it for injury. “I didn’t think anything but your shoulders hit, but maybe-”

“No,” Eddie gulped. He should pull away. “Didn’t hit my head.”

Steve’s fingers tightened, not quite painfully, but enough of a bite to it that Eddie whimpered. Again.

Steve’s grip loosened, but his fingers stayed buried in his curls, and Eddie felt pressure guiding him to rest against Steve’s thigh.

“You eat today?” Steve asked, though his voice sounded kinda far away, like he was above the surface of the water and Eddie was sitting at the bottom of a pool looking up at the sun. “Eddie?”

“Hm?” Eddie blinked up at Steve. “I ate.”

“When?” Steve’s hand was cupping his cheek. “Lunch?”

“Mmm, no,” Eddie shook his head, blinked. “Breakfast? Cereal.”

Steve cursed under his breath.

He was so pretty. Had he been told how pretty he was? Surely when Nancy was with him, she told him.

Even if Robin liked women, she had to at least notice how pretty he was, right?

Steve’s sharp intake of breath somewhat centered Eddie.

“I’m gonna drive you home, okay?” Steve whispered, leaning down so his face was only inches away.

Eddie could kiss him. It would be the easiest thing in the world to lift his head the final two inches to make their lips meet.

“Eddie, eyes open,” Steve’s fingers tightened again, gaining Eddie’s full attention. “Should I call someone? Are you dynamic or something?”

Eddie’s brows furrowed. What did that even mean?

“Like the sugar thing?” Steve continued.

“Diabetic?” Eddie still felt a little hazy, but he was starting to come back to it with Steve’s hand migrating from his hair to his shoulder. “No, my sugar’s fine.”

“I’ve got some soda in my car. I can drive you home and then bring you to school in the morning. You probably shouldn’t drive like…this.”

It all came crashing down when Eddie realized how vulnerable he’d just been, how he’d actually lost track of time, not sure exactly how long he’d been sitting between Steve’s legs with his hands in his hair before he started coming back to earth. He stood up, maybe a bit too quickly, rocking a bit before finding his balance.

“Woah, take it easy.” Steve held his hands out, grasped his biceps to hold him steady. “You were pretty far out of it. Don’t rush it.”

How fucking embarrassing.

Eddie had only gone down that far one time with someone and they got freaked out when he was giggling and couldn’t walk on his own because his legs felt like jelly. But that had been on purpose. This was- Steve didn’t– Jesus Christ.

“I’m fine now.” Eddie was not fine. He knew what would happen if he left right now. Aftercare was a major part of this whether Steve was prepared for it or not. “Just, um, walk me to my van.”

Steve looked like a kicked puppy, but Eddie didn’t have the time to explain all of this to him.

Steve Harrington didn’t know how much of a freak Eddie was even if he did know he was gay. There’s no way Steve participated in any type of BDSM with the many girls he slept with in high school.

There was absolutely no fuckin’ way Nancy Wheeler let herself get tied to a bed and get fucked by Steve.

He shook his head at the thought.

“I’d feel a lot better if you let me drive you. I promise we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Steve sighed. “I just don’t know if you should drive when you went down so hard.”

“You have no idea what even happened,” Eddie argued, pacing back and forth. “I can drive. I just need to walk it off.”

“You don’t walk off subspace.”

Eddie froze. Steve was standing right in front of him now, concern in his big, stupid, adorable eyes.

“How do you even know about subspace?” Eddie whispered.

“I slept with half the high school and two guys in Indy. I know what subspace is, Eds.”

Eddie must still be in space. Or maybe another galaxy.

“Sorry, did you just say you slept with two guys in Indy?” Has Steve seriously fucked more guys than Eddie has? Eddie, the resident gay man of Hawkins, has only been with one man in his entire life and Steve has apparently slept with two?

“Well, I wasn’t gonna sleep with two men in Hawkins!” Steve threw his hands up before putting them on his hips. “I hit up a gay bar and didn’t realize it doubled as a BDSM club until I was already in it and then a nice guy showed me the ropes. Literally. There were ropes involved.”

Eddie snorted. Steve was pretty and funny. Great. Just what he needed.

“I have a quick recovery, so I’ll be fine to drive home,” Eddie tried, though even he could hear his voice still shaking.

“No one is that quick,” Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulders, tugging him into a hug. “Has that ever happened before?”

“Not like that.”

“We should probably talk about it.”

The last thing Eddie wanted to do was talk about how someone playing with his hair and moving his head around while showing the bare minimum of care was enough to send him into subspace, but he had a feeling Steve wasn’t gonna give up easily.

“Fine. What should we talk about? How no one ever touches me gently so the moment someone did, I slipped? How I’ve been avoiding seeing you anywhere in public because I knew it would make my crush come back full force? Oh, I know!” Eddie laughed hysterically as he pulled away. “Let’s talk about how I still think about you in your stupid basketball shorts when I’m fucking myself on four fingers, which is never enough because I can never reach the spot I need to. Or how I once cut out your yearbook photo to keep for jerking off material because my mags weren’t enough. Could even talk about how earlier I wanted you to put your leg between mine so I could rub off on you. Or maybe the weather if you’d prefer that.”

Eddie was panting, could feel the heat on his face rising as he realized everything he’d just said, admitted, to Steve.

He’d never said any of that out loud. Shit, he’d barely said most of it in his own head.

Steve’s arms were pulling him in and Eddie let himself have it, let himself feel small for just a moment. If Steve wasn’t completely disgusted by what he said, then he would at least accept this offering of kindness for now.

They stayed like that for a while, long enough that Eddie started to wonder if he could just live here, right in Steve’s arms.

“It’s looking a little cloudy,” Steve said quietly, hands still rubbing Eddie’s back slowly.

“What?” Eddie still felt a little out of it, but that was entirely out of left field.

“You said we could talk about the weather.”

Eddie snorted. “Oh my God, you’re so-” Eddie looked up at Steve, who was smiling down at him. He felt off-kilter, being the object of that particular Steve look. “Stupid.”

It was fond, probably too fond for someone who needed to protect himself from whatever the hell was happening. He needed to shut this down.

“It’s been mentioned,” Steve’s eyes flickered down to Eddie’s lips, then back up to his eyes. “You good to head out?”

Eddie started to nod, but stopped.

This was his only chance. He wasn’t dumb enough to think he’d ever be alone with Steve again. If he was gonna kick start a spiral over feelings, he might as well go all out.

He stood at his full height, almost eye level with Steve, and leaned in.

The kiss was not even close to perfect. In fact, as far as kisses go, it was probably in the bottom three for Steve. Eddie chose not to think about how he screwed it all up.

But once the initial shock wore off, and Eddie put his teeth away, Steve’s hand cupped Eddie’s cheek and he licked past his lips.

Leave it to Steve to turn this around, make it something worth the risk.

Their lips moved in sync, both of them deepening the kiss without making it too wet, too filthy for a public space.

It was, dare he say, romantic.

Most kisses Eddie had managed to have were dirty and rough, hidden away in dark bars and alleyways, not exactly prime teen romance.

Of course Steve was good at this, of course he made Eddie melt against him, and of course Eddie was going to start writing hearts around Steve’s name in his notebook as if they were high school sweethearts.

When they pulled apart, it took him a minute to open his eyes. How stereotypical.

Steve was already looking at him, softer than he probably deserved.

“You’re pretty good at that,” Eddie breathed out.

“It’s been mentioned.” Steve’s lips turned up in a smirk before he pulled away completely. “Let’s go.”

They walked back through the school, stopping at Eddie’s locker to grab one of his textbooks as if he actually would use it. By now, he didn’t really need the textbooks to get his work done. And he was actually committed to getting it done this time around.

They were quiet as they continued out to the parking lot, only a few cars belonging to teachers left, maybe a few students stuck here for football or basketball practice. Steve’s car was towards the back, but Eddie’s was almost all the way in the grass field by the main road. It was less risky leaving it further away, less likely that anyone would slash the tires or key the side.

“You’re sure you can drive?” Steve asked as they stood outside his car.

“Yeah. Only five minutes to the trailer. It’ll be fine.” Eddie shrugged like it was nothing, but he was actually a little worried the kiss set him too off balance to focus on the road. Fuck the subspace, Steve’s lips were like discovering a new galaxy.

“Can I call you later? To check on you?” Steve seemed hesitant to ask.

“Uh, yeah? Do you…have my number?”

Steve shook his head, opening the door to his car and reaching into the glovebox to find a pen and an old receipt. As Eddie wrote down the number to the trailer, he thought about how much worse this would be tomorrow, how shitty it would be to have had this absolutely out of this world experience with the one person he never thought he could and then be left with scraps for the rest of his life.

“You uh, you don’t have to call, man. Don’t feel pressured. My uncle will be home so it’s not like I’ll be alone.”

Steve took the paper and pen back, folding the paper and putting it in his pocket and throwing the pen back into the car.

“I’m gonna call.” Steve moved a piece of Eddie’s hair from in front of his face. “You got a phone in your room?”

“No, but the one we have reaches to the bathroom?” Why the hell did he need one in his room?

“Good. Need you to be alone.”

“Steve, what the hell does that mean?”

“How else am I supposed to tell you what I wanna do to you?”

Well, fuck.

Day two: ao3 | tumblr

[anadiasmount]

are you willing to write for trent alexander arnold? if so please write something fluffy or something antsy which gets resolved and turns to fluff

it’s you - trent alexander arnold x reader.

quick sum: love is never easy. especially when you least expected it from liverpools finest bachelor. will you finally take the leap of faith, or lose the guy who’s willing to do the extreme for you to see reality.

wc: 1.9k | masterlist | trent’s masterlist

psa🗣️: hi angel! and hello to my trent girlies! i haven’t written for trent before so i hope you enjoy this 🤍

you felt stuck. constantly looking around and avoiding the man that had consumed your thoughts in ways you didn’t picture. feeling awkward and timid when he walked past you or your eyes connected. 

the trip was last minute, you didn’t plan to go if it wasn’t your friend insisting you went since she would be alone. you didn’t want to go, it meant you would have to see trent after you avoided him since he confessed his feelings to you. 

trent wasn’t one to speak much. always reserved and kept to himself, a completely different person on the pitch and in real life. but with you, he felt he could speak for hours about everything, not once get tired of it. you let him be the person he would’ve never pictured to be. 

what went wrong? 

he knew you from the back of your hand. needed to keep yourself busy in order to survive. an almost graduate from uni and working at your dream internship. a small volunteer worker just outside the city. 

he knew when you lied, scrunching your eyes brows and hands twitching. he knew when you felt happy, the small wrinkles and dimples popping on your face. he knew you were upset when you bit your lip and unfocused around your surroundings. 

trent knew you felt the same way he did but this time he couldn’t properly read you, left hurt and confused by your manner. “i’m in love you with y/n… i’ve never felt like this for anyone before. and it feels so right when i’m here, with you.” 

his brows drew in when your smile slowly dropped, pulling your hands back and cleared your throat. “trent…” you whispered, you clenched your jaw unsure of what to say. “i need time to think of this. i-i-i just don’t know what to say…” you stood up and grabbed your coat. 

“say you love me back,” trent prayed in his head, watching you stumble around to retrieve your belongings. “what do you mean? i confess how i feel and you’re running away?” 

“i need time to think. this is all so sudden, and i don’t want to pressure either of us. or give us false hope,” you smiled trying to reason and not break his heart. but trent’s heart broke, a millions thoughts racing in his head and the idea of not being enough tracing back. 

he fluttered his lashes and painfully smiled, was he about to cry? is this what pain felt like? a stab in the heart, millions of needles poking in his chest as his hands fisted. “well you know the way out…” trent motioned with his hand, walking to the side to let you go. 

you approached him, having the urge to explain why you said what you said, but he walked back. tears came out your eyes, knowing you hurt the man you loved in front of you. “trent,” you croaked, but he just shook his head. 

“don’t.” 

not a single soul knew of the two of you. a private secret. he wanted to protect you from his hectic world. and you wanted to have something genuine and real. you had something real. had. but like always you ruined it. like every person who walked into your life, leaving because you were scared. 

trent was straight forward with you. always communicating with you. the only person you found yourself lurking to at the end of the day. his touch lingering on you ever when you weren’t together. the way he smiled made your heart heat up and your hands slightly tremble. 

you didn’t deserve him. you were a broken person. afraid of committing. you were afraid of love. the idea of falling for a person, so hopelessly devoted to them, and in the end for it to not work out. you easily got attached, and it wasn’t any different with trent. 

trent had a way different life than yours. lights, money, women, his job, all shining on him wherever he went. he had a family, friends, a base supporting him, while you it was just your sister and trio. he constantly reminded you he wasn’t the person in the papers, which was true. 

he valued you. he trusted you. he confided in you. he respected you. he loved you. why couldn’t you just allow yourself to be with him? why did it feel hard to finally accept and take the leap of faith and be with the man who has ever truly loved you? 

you were stressed. constantly turning in your sleep. eyes closing but your head refusing for you to sleep. chest rising and falling as you listened quietly to the rain fall. the sheets barely covering your body, and the pillow feeling less fluffy and now hot. with a small groan you stood up, the time reading almost 4 am. 

you tipped tied downstairs. walking by the room your friends and his friends were occupied in. the thunder and lightning shining in the open and clear windows. you opened the cabinet and grabbed a glass, pouring cold water to relieve your dry throat. 

you closed your eyes, hands gripping the counter as you felt goosebumps suddenly rise. “couldn’t sleep?” you gasped quietly, the glass slowly tipping before quickly catching it and standing up straight. trent stood there, bags under his eyes, lips pursed with his arms crossed. muscles flexed under the loose black tee he wore with his black calvin klein boxers. 

“something like that,” you said, averting your gaze, hand coming up to brush your skin or maybe the nerves away. he stepped closer, inspecting you, noticing you were wearing the small black shirt he owned with your batman themed shorts. “same. couldn’t sleep with all the noise outside…” trent confessed, also grabbing a cold glass of water. 

you went quiet. the feeling of guilt consuming your insides as you kept asking yourself if this was truly happening. you couldn’t stop staring, savouring maybe the last few glances in case it would be the last. trying to make a mental imprint of the moles you traced while he slept, the small scar under his brow, his lips. 

your throat went dry again, but this time the cold glass of water wasn’t going to help, the only thing that could was finally take that leap and let him out of misery for the two of you. “trent…” you said softly, hearing him and finally connecting eyes. 

“don’t you think i deserve an explanation?” he asked with a sad smile. you bit your lip and nodded. “yes you do. and i’m willing to explain everything, but i understand if it’s too late,” you respected his feelings knowing he deserved this but also not wanting to push him to the limit. 

“i love you. i do. so much. i need you to know that before i start saying anything,” his eyes widened a bit, mouth opened to say something but you shushed him. “for once in my life, i can’t let you or us go. i made the mistake that night and i beat myself for it. not only did i hurt you in the process but also the idea of us.” 

“i’m scared,” you teared, smiling. “it’s scary to feel this way. to have my heart racing when i hear your name, our song, your voice. love to me always felt like a joke or fantasy. love is about letting someone know your map of flaws and imperfections. to fully be vulnerable.” 

“love with you though? is like a dream come true. you understand me more than i understand myself. you saw me for who i am and not the person i put myself to be. you love me at my prettiest and also lowest. you hold me close, kiss my forehead, and use those words of reassurance i need to hear and always believe.” 

“i love when you sleep next to me, where i get to stare at the prettiest man on earth as you sleep. i love to see your smile get bigger when i tell you about the kids at my volunteer work or my jokes. i love to sit with you at the end of the day and allow me to hear about your job and family. to see the flowers you send or bring when i see you. trent i love you, so much.” 

“i’m scared to lose you. to lose the only person i’ve let into my life this close,” you shrugged smiling painfully, holding yourself tighter as you wiped your tears away. you hear his footsteps approach, sobbing quietly when he pulls you closer to him, his hand brushing your head, feeling his lips kiss your temple. the longing feeling replaced with warmth and safety. 

your skin becoming hot and getting rid of the cold goosebumps and chilling feeling in your chest. you kiss his chest, tip toeing up as you continue to trace his neck and jaw, his cheeks with kisses mixed with your tears. “i’m sorry. i’m so sorry trent,” you apologised, your hand gripping his bicep. 

“stop. don’t torture yourself anymore. let me hold you. let me feel you. it’s just you and me, okay? shhhh,” he hushed you, repeating his same movements to help you calm down. you sniffled, pulling back slightly after a minute. “i deserve you. i love you, and your imperfections and flaws. for allowing me to become the man i wished and longed to be.” 

“please don’t push me away anymore. you aren’t ever going to lose me, because what we have is eternal. your love to me is a safe space, the world and women i dreamed of having and i finally have it now. it’s you, always will be you baby,” he brushed your tears away, feeling your lips kiss his wrist and hand, losing himself in your eyes. 

“i love every single part of you.” 

the chilling counter made you hold trent tighter while laughing, feeling and hearing his deep chuckle as his hands traced your thighs. “are you ready now?” he asked, kissing your collarbone. “more than ready,” you said, officially taking the leap of faith. 

he sighed and let his shoulders fall in a relaxed manner and smiling, watching as his eyes closed and lashes touched his upper cheeks. “trent look at me…” he stood up and grabbed your chin, “i love you,” you felt the need to say to confirm your feelings and his. “i love you, pretty girl,” his nose nuzzled into your neck, tracing all the way up to your cheek. 

you sealed the night with the anticipated kiss. getting the blood rush through your veins, as you fully focused on him. his lips feeling like home. his fingers bringing your face closer to his and getting lost in the way he devoured you. not in a rushed or hard manner, in a passionate and loving way. 

“my girl officially.” 

[plum-pitt]

LU Age headcanons:

Heyo! Been a while since i rambled about my favorite silly elf boys but this just came on the brain so I thought i’d talk about it! But as a twist, i’m conceptualizing their ages through the lens of a persons development in modern society.

(Disclaimer, this is based purely on appearance and vibes, with just a little input from canon. Also sorry sky fans looking at that mf genuinely scares me because i feel like he could be anywhere from 17 to 25 or even older than time itself and i still wouldn’t know. that fucker just can’t register in my brain.)

Wind: This is fucking textbook 14 year old boy. You can’t tell me he doesn’t still jump up to smack the top of every doorframe he walks through, and pull up clothed head to toe in obnoxious highlighter yellow athletic wear every day.

Four: He’s definitely a 16 year old but like- the kind of 16 year old that’s the only one in the group who has a car, if that makes any sense. Like he IS squad soccer mom.

Hyrule: He’s 17, but that very specific brand where he’s got everyone in his life getting on his ass to figure out what he wants to do after highschool, and probably won’t even figure out if he wants to go to college or not until like a week before graduation.

Wild: This here a 19 year old, he’s moved out already, leaving his high pressure home life behind to live happily somewhere far away with his gf, exploring a whole new world of possibilities free of expectations, and probably also his gender identity.

Legend: This fucker is that one 20 year old you know that is already so burnt out and jaded by the idea of adulthood you’d think he’s getting close to retirement age. But nah he’s just THAT over it.

Warriors: Frat guy who just turned 21 and slowly having the dawning realization that drinking is a lot less fun when it’s legal for him to do it.

Twilight: This man 22 and has his whole fuckin life together, went straight into work after highschool and is probably the only guy in his friend group with a stable income. Really just took to adulthood like a fish to the river. Definitely has nieces and nephews he spoils and brags to his friends about all the time like they’re actually his kids.

Time: Haha look at this fuckin mortgage payer. Ok so i can’t guess his actual mental age, but physically he looks like a guy in his early 40s, fresh outta his midlife crisis, looking confident and very dilfy, despite the fact that he’s woefully childless. Don’t ask me how i arrived at this conclusion or why it matters but he definitely collects antique furniture with his wife.

[vesora]

hi sora, i hope you’re doing well! So yeah i’m coming from loa to ND. i totally get that you don’t have to remind yourself you’ve so and so desire BC you already are what you want to be. tbh i’ve been in that mindset for two days or so and then when after a month, i just get really swayed by others. Like rn i wanna assume i already graduated uni, but i still have a huge research project due which i didn’t start 💀. i’m lowkey dying ngl, SO HOW DO I APPROACH this situation? do i actually do the research project or just know that i already graduated w honors and i’ve everything i want?

idk if i made any sense, but i hope you can help me out!

thank you so much

honestly you not starting this project will just give you greater anxiety and put pressure on what is a calm serene process

start the project but just know that you've already graduated with honours. leave the world alone, let the character do what it must do. and change your 'inner activity'. the world is an illusion perpetrated by your authority but as long as you identify with that which is unreal, you will feel anxious and scared, thinking you must do something to change the world.

[transsexual-mankisser]

um…

in all honesty i don’t know what to do. i’m an ex mormon. a PIMO, technically. i’m a minor and my parents don’t know that i don’t believe because i’m scared that if they know they’ll at best be even more overbearing about the church and forcing me to go to things i don’t want to go to or at worst start restricting my freedom. they might go through my phone, they might take away my phone. they’ve done both for much less already. and as a queer person that will put me in very real danger if they do. so they don’t know. they can’t know until i turn 18 at least, and preferably until i move out.

i got called to be the class president for my young women’s today. i said yes. i’ve heard it’s different in some Mormon families but in mine you don’t say no when the church asks you to do something (real healthy, I know /s). when the bishop asked to set up this meeting i knew this was what this was about. the current president is graduating and there are very few people in our young women’s to choose from. I knew I would have to say yes even if I didn’t want to. During the meeting I even felt that I did personally want to say yes. It was coercive. Obviously it was coercive. As soon as I left I felt sick to my stomach.

I feel like I am actively betraying everything I believe in. I don’t believe in the church and I do not worship the Mormon god and I have publicly spoken out against them in places I felt it was safe to do so. I literally wear mjolnir underneath my shirt all the time to honor thor. I am queer. I’m not even a woman, I’m a bisexual trans man. I’m completely out of the closet at school. I feel like I’m betraying my people, and myself. I also feel guilty for accepting this position in a church i so adamantly do not believe in, until of course I remember that they’re the only reason I felt pressured to say yes in the first place. I feel sick.

The bishop told me he chose me (he said god called me but that’s up for debate) because I can reach people others can’t. I think that’s true. No one else in my young women’s class could reach another trans man, because they don’t believe that he’s a man. But in order to be “doing my duty” as a class president, I would have to also try to convince him that he’s not a man. It feels like I’m being taken advantage of in that way. Like they’re asking me to use a skill I have BECAUSE I am different to convince others NOT to be different while not being too different myself in order to be a good example.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this next year like this. My life had really been looking up, especially now that I’m out to my friends, and this feels like a targeted attack to try to end that happiness. It’s not going to work. I’m still going to be me and I’m still going to be continuing to get more and more appreciative of life. But I don’t know how this will fit into that, and I’m scared.

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

Hi Em, I’m writing to you because I need to tell this to someone cause my anxiety is eating me alive. My dream is to become a writer and I just got an interview appointment with a very famous British university to study creative writing and my levels of anxiety sky rocketed. So, from one writer to another:

Do you ever feel scared about being successful? As a writer I mean, it’s just that if I don’t try, I will fall into depression, but if I do: anxiety.

Do you ever feel that the pressure of being good at something is so choking you actually prefer not to do anything at all?

(I wrote in green cause I don’t know why I can’t see the text when I select white)

Nonnie, are you my guardian angel or something? I was thinking this exact thought, almost word for word, right before I opened tumblr. And here you are. Your timing is impeccable.

Firstly, I have to congratulate you on your interview. Having gone through a similar scenario myself, that is a massive achievement in its own right, no matter the results of the interview.

I'm afraid I don't have much salient advice to give on this subject, as struggling under the weight of anxiety created by expectations and success is something I still struggle with. I can offer my commiseration and solidarity, however. Know that you're not alone in this feeling.

Something that I've found helpful in job/potential client interviews, which is handy to keep myself from the dreaded anxiety spiral, is to view the interview less as a test and more as a feeler to see if the other person/school/company is going to be the right fit for you.

Because ultimately, you're the person who matters here.

Your comfort, your mental health, your success. I don't care if this is the most prestigious university in the world–there are a plethora of Oxford/Cambridge graduates, but there is only one of you. No one can do exactly what you do.

A person/company/school could look great on paper, but your chemistry with a person/place is a better weight to gauge your interest against than notoriety. If you get there and the campus is hard to get around or the people are snotty or the professors are pricks and the course load seems like hell seethed over, that's maybe not a good fit for you anyway (unless you're into that sort of self-inflicted pain, no judgement).

So remember to ask yourself, "Is this the right fit for me? Will I thrive here?"

However it goes, nonnie, know that I am wishing you much much luck! I hope the wind fills your sails and takes you wherever you need to go.

–Em 🖤🗡️

more writing advice

[weird-dere-writes]

writing my thesis (or attempting to!) and thinking about convincing Byakkun to take a work trip from Soul Society to the World of the Living and do his paperwork in a little antique library with me while I do my thesis work

and then we treat ourselves at a little Japanese sweet shop afterwards!

The idea of a having to do research and then write a graduate thesis has always scared the FUCK outta me I’m ngl. U are so strong for this and I am so proud of you 🫡. You are doing great lovely and I commend you <33333.

Byakkun knows as you near the end of your last year at your uni that there is a lot of pressure and that your academic crazies intensify. So even though he is all the way in soul society, he is always thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing.

It’s a good thing that the Seireitei has upgraded their phones in recent years! Now he can call you daily and see your face so he doesn’t have to wonder.

When you bring up the idea of a work trip, Byakuya is on it immediately. Renji swears he’s never seen his captain try to push paperwork through to the top so quickly. The lieutenant almost thought something was wrong. But then he just realized the man was giddy to get going, in his own way. Showing it through his actions rather than expression, as usual.

And when Shunsui finally gets his eyes on the request, he’s smiling and shrugging as he signs it off. As long as the sixth squad captain is getting his work done, regardless of where he is, who is the head captain to say no?

A day goes by after you make the suggestion and you’re getting ready for bed. Just as you shimmy into your comfy bottoms, about to hop in the bed, a bright light and shoji materializes in your room. Shortly after, the door slides open and Byakuya is stepping through; feeling his stomach flutter as he sees the sparkle in your eye and the smile on your face at his arrival.

He spends the night with you, only to have disappeared from your abode the next morning. You’re confused, perhaps a little worried, about to call him just as your doorbell rings. And when you go to answer, there he is.

He’d woken up early, going to Kisuke’s to get himself a gigai. He wanted to be there with you all the way, wherever you wanted to go. What kind of man would he be, walking around with you but making the world that couldn’t see him think you’re by yourself?

He’s back inside as you get yourself ready to go out. And then you’re off!!

He had never really heard of an antique library before you took him there that day. It was different from libraries he was used to, but he found the atmosphere quaint, and comforting. He wouldn’t mind returning here every once in a while with you to get his work done.

Not only that, but he loves that if you need help that he can actually be there to help you. All he has to do is simply turn around and take a look at your work. He can point at the things he wants you to emphasize. He can lovingly and comfortingly caress you too when you need encouragement. All in all, as he tends to be when he’s with you, he is just happy to be there 🫶🏾.

Byakkun didn’t come with world of the living currency, so he says he’ll pay you back for the sweets at the sweet shop and he MEANS IT. He would have paid if he could, and he isn’t letting you get away with covering his ass uwu. He’s too gentlemanly for that. His chivalry is at its strongest when it comes to you, my dear. And he won’t let anyone else forget it. Because he is the man for u, indeed 💜.

Kith 😘💋

[pacifymebby]

hi sorry to ask this but what are the warning signs for an ed and how do I stop myself? I feel like I’m becoming obsessed with calories and I’m genuinely scared

no pressure to answer though!!! I know it’s a difficult topic

Aw no this is okay to ask!!! I'm really more than happy to try and give people any advice I can or like support at all.

My first bit of advice is really that as soon as you start worrying that there could be a problem, reach out and talk to someone. Try to get help as fast as possible. Eating Disorders are quite complicated and addictive so it's best to nip them in the bud so they can't make their little roots and come back again if that makes sense. The stat for recovery within the first two years of diagnosis is so much better for the stat for recovery outwith that time frame.

Secondly, when I start noticing that I'm focussing on calories too much, when I catch myself worrying about the food i want to eat I kinda take a step back and ask myself "am I hungry, am I craving this food, is it going to make me happy/will eating it be a good experience" usually the answer to one of these questions is yes and if it is then you can be like, "well then I need the food calories don't matter"

Depending how far in you are that can be hard though. A lot of the time I have the argument outloud with B and he reasons with me.

I think like, trying not to check the calories helped me,but then other people I know have said checking the calories and then saying "but that's okay" helps them because by purposefully not checking calories you're letting yourself fear them still. It kinda depends what works best for you but try both ways until something works.

Also like, 9 times out of 10 and eating disorder isn't just about food and weight loss. Sounds stupid but write in your diary about everything that's worrying you and making you feel bad. Like my ed genuinely stems from wanting someone else to take care of me, like feeling like the only way I can be taken care of is if I'm really seriously ill. It's like a cry for help behaviour that stems from trauma and probably if we'd discovered this when I was first ill I could maybe have been assisted to recover quite nicely.

So like working out what's making you obsess over calories, like are you controlling that because there's something else in your life worrying you that you feel like you can't control. Things that have triggered my ed in the past have been things like GCSEs, starting a new college and being anxious about all the new stuff, applying to uni, trying to graduate, actually finishing uni and realising I don't know what to do with my life and having no set routine or goals so then the ed came back as something to focus on, living in a bad environment (mouldy cold house, being poor so couldn't change circumstances), traumatic life events like sexual assault etc...

Really small seemingly trivial things can trigger it and like once you realise that, like fixing the external problem can often help.

I think like initial warning signs are things like

Worrying about calories, counting them obsessively etc

Constantly checking how you look, worrying about it, worrying about how clothes fit and like feeling uncomfortable in clothes you used to love

If your minds constantly distracted and preoccupied with thoughts about appearance, weight, exercise, losing weight, cutting out foods etc...

Something else for me is that I always get quite into like other stuff too, I get an urge to buy skincare products and new health foods or like new exercise clothes.

Staying away from certain areas of Tumblr and other socials is like imperative btw.

But yeah my main thing is if you're worrying about maybe you're developing disordered behaviour then get help asap!!! It's not shameful to ask for help and eating disorders are so so miserable so like escaping them at the earliest possible stage is really important!!!

[introverted-ghost]

Ok guys I need help!!

Not money just advice

My friend is in a really bad relationship. It’s very unhealthy. I’ll list some of the things he did

Well first off he’s American, he lives in Alabama (they have met in person so he’s not an adult but still) which we’ll come back to later

He doesn’t let her touch a lick of alcohol, which is kind of excusable he’s American and Christian and has had negative experience with alcoholics but it’s still not his choice

Secondly this friend is failed english last year and is trying to do recovery but she needs to read the book to do so, she says she doesn’t have time and I suggest she listens to an audiobook she says she is always talking with her boyfriend, I say he has to understand since she needs this to graduate and she tells me that he gets mad when she doesn’t talk to him??

He belittles her frequently

He didn’t let her go to the school dance

He gets so fucking mad that she’s friends with us, and also just people in general

He also gets mad if she doesn’t respond within like 10mins even if she’s IN CLASS

He doesn’t like when she has group projects with guys

A lot of this he could try to pass off as being worried about her cheating (which she literally wouldn’t ever do she treats this guy like he’s the top of the world man) but if you’re that uncomfortable you obviously can’t handle long distance relationships

He doesn’t want her to have a job (which based off everything else I know about him it isn’t because he thinks kids shouldn’t have to work)

At one point she removed my discord and I was worried I did something but she said she just removes a bunch of people sometimes which is kinda sounding like it was this guys doing like I’m not sure but he has so much control over her

Now important that he lives in another country. She plans that as soon as she’s able (which will be before she graduates) she’s going to move to live with him, which on its own is bad but if something happens like her not devoting 110% of her time to him while there and he breaks up with her she’ll end up homeless in Alabama as a minor with little education and no job experience. And we won’t even be able to help her in this scenario since he’s definitely going to cut off all her contact with us as soon as he’s able

She doesn’t realize how abusive (I didn’t even mention everything since the person who told me those parts was really scared of me repeating it) it is and I don’t want her to get mad at us if we point it out, cause also then she might lose her only healthy relationships in her life rn, but she’ll be able to leave like in less than a year so we need to do something now

So that’s what I need help with. If you guys have any advice for what I can do please share

If you don’t know what I can do could you (no pressure you don’t have to) spread this so I can find someone who can help?

[taylorswiftstylequestions]

hey Sarah! I am going through a lot emotionally as of late and needed to vent and thought of coming here - sorry to be a bother, but your community is very nice! this week I finished grad school!!! I am so so so happy about it. but I’m also feeling guilty bc I did not want it to end! I loved every aspect of my life in college (the independence, the classes, the classmates, the city I was living in, even the lack of stability of real adult life). it was my entire personality. of course, I have other things going on, as I knew grad school was gonna end eventually (I applied for a master’s degree, yay!) but I just fear things aren’t gonna be the same :( add to this the pressure of now having to actually find a job and make ends meet myself! it’s bittersweet bc I see my friends be very excited for the future and they were counting down the seconds to the last day of classes, and there I was, refusing to let go lol (also, I really think part of the reason I feel this is explained in Tay’s “this is me trying” speech in the lp sessions, I’m a classic type A who loves to be graded and given a star, you know?). I just wished that the future didn’t look like a dark blob and that I could hold onto what my life looked like for a little longer xx

Hi friend! This is so so so relatable. I actually vividly remember having a conversation with one of my favourite profs in j school confessing how scared I was to graduate because I'm the type of person who has always been good at school. You get used to the environment and derive comfort from it because you know you excel at it and to an extent it's also 'safe'. The stakes are grades and GPAs and class deadlines and tests.

But 'out there' it's office politics and fighting for promotions and taxes and meetings and job interviews and second job interviews and NOT GETTING JOBS YOU INTERVIEWED FOR. It's scary and unknown and very very real and also the literal rest of your entire life oh dear god WHAT.

Like I said. Very relatable.

All I can tell you from one Type A who loves a gold star and an A and the safety of a lecture hall to another - it will be okay. I promise. You'll figure it out! It will become the new normal! You will enter a new phase of life that also includes MONEY! And (hopefully) a new social network of people to be friends with and bond with! And a new schedule and reliable daily routine that you get to foster.

It is very normal and so okay to be clinging to the last sense of normalcy that you know because change is hard and terrifying.

But it will be okay!

Wishing you all the best and also freaking congratulations on all your hard work and accomplishments. You should feel so proud of yourself and all you've been able to achieve thus far!

[buckyseddie]

hey, guys!

i’m going to be honest. lately my mental health has really been holding me back and hurting me to the point that writing has been something i haven’t had time to do. i do have a few fics that i’ve finished that i’ll most likely be posting. but, recently, about a week ago, i was told that my grandpa was diagnosed with leukemia and that it was in his bones. my family and i had made a plan to visit him a few days after we found out because it was assumed that he didn’t have long and that it would be just DAYS before he’d pass—the pain for him was just so bad that it was imperative that we see him as soon as possible. but, then, things only got worse. it was only a few days later that he was worse than ever and my family and i had to see him before something worse happened. i remember being in the waiting room for hours and all i wanted to do was cry and never stop every time i heard the updates and someone would comfort me. when i finally got to visit him, i felt so scared and sad because he had changed a lot since the last time i saw him. it hurt to see him like that. but, i got to say my goodbye, even though i didn’t want to see him like that and the fact that that was my last memory of him and i keep remembering him like that. after that, an hour passed and i wasn’t in the room when it happened, but he passed away. i didn’t break down until i got home and i swear i’ve never cried that hard before. i keep finding myself criticizing and being mad at myself for getting so upset about him, even though my reaction is so valid. it’s because i grew up with a family that didn’t allow me to be upset or sad or make things about myself. looking at pictures hurts too. listening to music or seeing grief around me kills me. all i can think about is how grateful i am for the time i got with him. though it’s true i didn’t see him much this year, due to the fact that he lived a little bit away from my family and i and because we had different lives and things going on. but, i did however get the memory of him seeing me graduate a few years ago, even though i thought he wouldn’t make it because he’s been fighting cancer since around the time i was born. i’m eternally grateful for the fact that i have those memories and that i got to say goodbye because he wasn’t just my grandparent. he was my best friend and the person who helped raise me and taught me lessons and someone who was more like a father figure than anything else. and although i feel grateful, i’m still hurting because i barely made it out and felt the grief of losing my great grandma last year in july. so, i’m not sure how long it’ll be but i don’t think i’ll be able to write for a while. i’ll still share stuff and be active and share fics, etc., but other than that, i don’t know when i’ll be back to writing. maybe i’ll even channel this all into a good-ass fic. but, i won’t hold myself to any pressure to. thank u all for the support. i love u all, and please, PLEASE remember to appreciate what u have when u have it because it won’t be there forever. i hope u all are well.

[watanabes-cum-dump]

Like father, like son

I was gonna post this on AO3 but it’s kind of been down for the past… what fourteen hours now? Yeah, so here, have some shitty first person angst I wrote while having a breakdown last night :)

Characters: PGR commandant OC and his guardian, Nikola.

Qiu thinks about his complicated relationship with the man that raised him

I hate him. 

I hate him so much. 

Nikola. 

He took me in. He raised me. He’s powerful, he had connections, he had money. I was never left wondering when my next meal would be, if I could get into a good school or if I would wake up tomorrow. Nikola had everything. 

But I don’t think he ever had a heart. 

I’ve seen the way the president looks at him. Like estranged friends, he’s a little scared of him. Hassen is brave, but even Nikola’s gaze makes him falter. It does the same to me, except far worse. 

It’s hard to believe he was ever human. 

That heartless thing had a heart once. He smiled once upon a dream and dared to think of something other than the good of humanity. 

Nikola has everything and nothing at all. Because he sacrificed everything for humanity. I see it in his eyes, he’s done, wasted, there is nothing left for him. His youth was given to the preservation of humanity, and even in his older years he still works tirelessly for a day when humanity can exist on Earth again. He has even given up his own humanity for this hope. 

And he has given up me and my brother as well. 

It wasn’t a question if me and Ash would end up in the army in some way shape or form. The question was did we want it? 

The answer is no, of course. 

I still don’t know what I would have rather done with my life. I’m twenty two now, and I still don’t know. The decisions were made before I could even think about them. My tuition was already paid for, my spot was guaranteed. The expectations were set, and all eyes were on me. 

And I crumbled under the pressure. 

I can’t blame Nikola, he had siblings too, all he knew was competition. That was all I knew as well. I was pitted against Ash, my own brother. I hid in their shadow while they burned in the light and crumbled under our teacher’s expectations. 

A part of me wonders though, if Nikola loved Ash. Because of their father or because he was their godfather, maybe both. I wonder if I was just an extra load, a little more trouble, another thing to waste resources on. 

I know he’d never love me. Because I’m lousy and barely graduated Faust. And I went back to the shadows of Kurono Nikola fought so hard to escape from. Ash meanwhile, they had the glory. They had the praise and the love, and I was happy for them. They were in charge of an elite and efficient squad, and they were the president’s favourite no doubt. 

I wished I had that. 

I wished that I had more than blood and lost limbs. I wished I never had to take orders from that bastard Collins. I wished I never had to kill constructs. I wished Nikola never looked at me like that. With scorn and resentment. 

I wished I was Ash, I wished I was the Gray Raven commandant with a team that loved me. With friends and admirers. 

And the worst part is, it came true. 

Suddenly, I was the Gray Raven’s commandant. Suddenly, everyone expected me to be a living legend. I am not like my brother. I was not the valedictorian of Faust, and people knew. I was an imposter aboard Babylonia. 

I faltered and got so much worse after becoming a commandant. At least Ash made it look graceful. It was a constant battle for me. Never ending reports, never ending missions. The president’s favourite squad in such a miserable state with a sorry excuse for a commandant leading it. I know that’s what all of Babylonia must have thought. 

I’d forgive Nikola if I could. I wish I could understand people, I wish I could just let go. But unfortunately, I am just like him and he knows it too. And he hates it. 

He’d think ‘How could I fail this badly? Now, there’s another me in this world who will do nothing but hurt himself?’ 

I know because I see it in him. I know it in the way Hassen looks at him. He is the one who tears his own life apart by the seams. 

I know because I do it too. 

I’ll sabotage every relationship myself, I’ll push burdens upon myself no one could ever want to bear. I’m well aware I’m a terrible person, I’m equally aware that I am nothing special. Just a scared little boy masquerading as a commanding officer. 

Who is Qiu Jia? What is his real name? Did his parents love him? Who is he but command’s puppet? I don’t know. I am forever command’s war dog, trapped under the gaze of the man who raised me but I will never call him father. 

Yet he made me. He made Qiu Jia, he made the commandant. He made command’s little war dog, he made the coward and the outcast. Could I call him father? As I am so much like him, surely I am his son? 

I don’t know. 

I just hate him. 

But, I still want him to love me. 

Deep down, it is still my first night on Babylonia, and all I want is for Nikola to be proud. 

[roving-boi]

Dear Diary,

My dad pressured me the other day about career/school, because I don’t know what I want to do after school. He wants me to go to some sort of technical school or I dunno, get some sort of education so I’m not stuck making minimum wage. But no field really sounds good to me. Everything, all of my options just sound miserable. I’m scared to even find a career in writing or art because I know people will have expectations for me and when that happens I’m stuck fearing that I won’t satisfy anyone. I’m not really a magic machine that can write and or create the best piece of fiction ever out of thin air. I mean I guess that’s sort of how it works, but on short notice I should say. Everything that comes to me just comes to me on its own, and I take forever to actually get it down on paper. I’m not even anywhere near done my novel that I started like 2 months ago.

In other news, my mom bought a house (well it’s more of a mortgage), and it’s going to be ready to be moved into soon. It has 3 bedrooms, one for me, my brother, and my mom (and unfortunately my ex-step dad that she got back together with for some fucking reason. God I hate that guy). My mom wants me to move back in with her and be a family again. Though she wants me to graduate high school where I’m at currently and then make the choice to come live with her. Now here is the problem, my dad is quite unaware of all of this and telling him is going to cause arguments and other discourse I don’t really wanna deal with.

My aunt told me I should do whatever I want, and not worry about pleasing or hurting others. And I think it’s something I’m gonna do. I need my own space, and it lets me live somewhere more free, and much closer to work. Where my dad lives, is quite literally out in the desert in the middle of nowhere. There’s no opportunity here, there’s no work, there’s nothing. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do anything here.

I was looking at comments on an Instagram reel about people getting rejected from jobs. Like Walmart and food jobs. The basic crap. It kind of started stressing me out. I don’t plan to go to college and I don’t know what I’m going to do for money when I leave this place. I have no idea what I’m doing I’ll be honest. And I’m scared I’ll never really make enough to keep myself afloat. There’s nothing at college I even want. And the ONE thing I’m passionate about, fucking jay told me she wants to go to college and get a degree in. Ugh. Fucking great.

I’ve been having nightmares about jay. I had about 4 in a row almost. In one of them I remember driving away and driving and driving until I reached this little food area in the middle of nowhere. It had a sushi restaurant right next to a Mexican restaurant. Really weird but I stopped by and went into the Mexican restaurant. Things were peaceful for a good few minutes I think until I saw jay roll up with her stupid friends. They were going to head into the sushi restaurant but she noticed me sitting at the Mexican restaurant and decided to come in. She walked up to me and I just lost it. I grabbed her by the hair and threw her on the floor, and I started slamming her face onto the tile floor. But she wouldn’t react to it. It was if it wasn’t even hurting her. It started freaking me out and I think screamed for her to shut up because she wouldn’t stop talking. I kept slamming her head into the floor until I guess I got tired and stopped. I don’t remember how to dream ends but it was so freaky. I wanted her to stay down. She wouldn’t.

I don’t wanna see her face at school. She’s dead to me now but, I’d probably just get so angry. I’m so stressed. In other news I got a new friend group and they live really close by. Remember that boy I met at the fair in real life? He let me join his friend group and it’s been great. We voice chat together and play video games together and they make me feel included. They ask me questions, joke with me, ask for my opinion on stuff, they share stuff with me. They just make me feel like I’ve always been apart of their group. My friends at school never did that. I’ve only been hanging out with my new friends for like over a week and already it’s been a better experience than my stupid fake friend group at school.

[astroyongie]

Sorry to come here and vent, you're probably busy with your life so don't worry if you don't feel like replying, I just needed to talk to someone as I don't feel comfortable doing it with people around me. I'm very scared for the future, I feel like I'm not good at anything at all, I'm not good at studying, I really want to graduate this year but then again I have no idea what I want to do afterwards, I'm not naturally talented in the things I'm passionate about and it's hard for me to focus and actually work hard to improve, so it makes me think that maybe those passions aren't really big, cause if they were I'd do something instead of laying in bed. I feel so much pressure coming from within even resting is exhausting. I just want to cry, go to sleep and wake up with my life sorted out. Idk why I always feel so empty and hopeless all the time, I feel like I'll fail no matter what I do.

Hey love. Please never apologize for such a thing ❤️

It sounds like you are feeling lost and overwhelmed and I’m really sorry that you feel like that as it must not be easy to deal with this.

When we are under pressure sometimes it’s very difficult to clear our minds. Because of it we have the tendency to self doubts and to procrastinate in order to remove responsibly if something ever goes wrong.

Its okay to feel lost, it’s okay to want to give up, it’s okay to feel sad, to feel pressured and just wanting to stay in bed and not get out. I understand.

Take your time and remember you matter. Incorporate smash things into your routine in order to change the energy around you. Take care of yourself more, work out, eat better, go out get some sunlight, spend time with people, organize your studying life with a schedule you can follow. You feel overwhelmed and helpless because you energy isn’t balanced love and you doubt yourself because it’s getting too much. So breath. Just take a night for yourself. And come back stronger

[blogging-thots]

March 19 2023

Wow it’s been a month and 2 weeks (???????) since I’ve been on here and so much stuff has happened !!!!!! who would’ve thought so much can happen in a month and few days ? NOT ME ! but March 17 was Trae (he’s no longer called AirPods guy bc he has up graded LOL)and I ONE month anniversary as BFGF and so far it’s been such a sweet journey.

He would come to visit me at school whenever he’s free and when it’s a day that I have more free time, he makes sure to come so that way we can spend more time together and on Tuesday March 21 he’s coming to see me !!!!! I’m so excited we get to spend one day together this week bc last week was Spring Break and we couldn’t hang out bc obv my parents would’ve known and idk how would I come up with an excuse of that, but I’m SO excited that I want to see him already !

He keeps saying he wants to marry me and the idea of marriage kinda scares me bc I don’t want to go thru what my parents are going thru which is an unhappy marriage full of constant fights and it’s so annoying. So I told him yesterday night that I do want to marry him in the future but I don’t know when and he said that if I end up not marrying him in the end then he’ll leave USA and I said for him not to say that bc I never said I didn’t want to marry him bc I DO want to marry him, but not this soon, I’m only 23 and yeah I know some people already marry before that and have kids but I don’t want that so soon, maybe 5 to 8 years later I would. So I told him that he’s making me feel pressured and rushed and that I don’t like that bc I’m not the type of person to rush and I just take things little by little bc I don’t like being overwhelmed and he apologized. Plus he doesn’t force me into something that I don’t want to do so therefore he shouldn’t pressure me into rushing to marry him. I am happy as we are now and I want to take it slow.

Other than that, I gave him another letter (I gave him a small letter before this during the first few weeks of dating) for our first anniversary and I haven’t asked him for his thoughts on it but I know he liked it bc he said he did but I would like to know in depth about how he feels.

He’s very physically affectionate and I love that a lot bc that’s my way of showing love too but he’s not clingy and not the jealous type either so that’s very good and he’s very straight forward too and enjoys teasing me a lot that it’s annoying but I like it bc it’s not the bad annoying it’s the good annoying that it’s fun LOL

He’s also a family person, so he FaceTime his parents and child often and he FaceTime his cousin too and they’re really close that he just calls her sister, and his cousin is so nice and hopefully I can meet her in person soon and same with his parents and child.

He’s already a great dad to his son bc the videos of him and his child spending time together is so sweet like omg makes me want to cry lol , so I know his future child is gonna be spoiled lol bc he wants a daughter like omg he would talk about wanting a little princess! That’s so cute !

He’s also been paying for our meals whenever we eat together which is so sweet of him. But he really is a sweet guy and I hope to have a future with him that him and I will cherish a lot. It’s funny how I said I didn’t want to date him at all and if I did then it would be after I graduate but here I am dating him and I don’t graduate until August 2023 LOL

I pray all my classes are finished with 85 above and that I pass all my Board Exams too bc those are expensive $275 PER SECTION LIKE WHO HAS THAT TYPE OF MONEY AND FIRST OF ALL WHY IS IT SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE FOR ?!?!?!!?!!??!?! I THINK IT’s ONLY 80 QUESTIONS TOO AND YOU GET ONE HOUR TO FINISH LIKE WHAT DJOASJDSDJKHAHDSJKJHDJLDIHCIOSACJHFJCBDAKJHCKUCHJAKEHKJHEWC GONNA CRY SO I PRAY I PASS ALL 3 SECTIONS

PRAYING HARD BC THIS SEMESTER WAS ROUGH

So nervous for tmr internship at the dental office 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Praying everything goes smooth 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏😭😭😭😭😭