#I think it's very obvious that Kousuke has become an incredibly fascinating character to me and I love getting the opportunities to talk

[trashlie]

hey, i'm that anon that sent you the long message about FP 215 and 216 a while ago, thank you for giving such an elaborate response. and i hope you get plenty of time to relax and catch up on sleep, make sure to drink lots of water! 💗

i'm dropping by to bring up a couple of points for your consideration, if you don't mind. just something i've been thinking about lately.

i absolutely agree with you that kousuke doesn't really want nol out of his life. in my opinion, the reason is not guilt or jealousy or loneliness (i bet he'd 100% prefer being an only child even if his siblings were born in wedlock, also he's had a friend group in college, so he is/was capable of making friends). the reason for it is fear. 1) fear of disappointing father - since kousuke is nol's 'guardian' and if anything happens to nol, it'll be a 'failure' on his side and strain his relationship with rand. 2) fear of losing control - nol being gone = out of reach = out of his control = unpredictable = more of a threat. and we know how much kousuke needs to control everything in his life. 3) fear of losing a part of his identity - being 'better' than nol has become a big part of who he is. kousuke is nothing without his name, the company, etc. similarly, traits like being the better, smarter, more successful brother, the golden child, the 'rightful' heir have all become a part of him thanks to nol. kousuke can only achieve those by bringing nol down to push himself up. he needs nol to remind him of those traits, and he needs nol so he can look better compared to him to other people. and i believe he subconsciously realizes this, and hates nol even more for it.

in general, a lot of kousuke's behavior and the main reason for kousuke's mental state is that he's being eaten alive by his fears. fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of his image being damaged, fear of not being in control, fear of being exposed, fear of being nothing, fear of losing everything etc. some of those fears are made up and/or planted by yui (like disappointing his father, or nol being the enemy), but to kousuke, they're very much real. and if kousuke's going to grow, dealing with those fears, and recognizing the root causes of them (there's multiple), will be a big part of it. for now, in his current state... it seems to me like he's completely overwhelmed and craves safety more than anything, and well. yui is right there. idk if the brothers can ever reconcile tbh... it seems to me that nol hasn't completely lost hope in his brother yet, so it'll completely depend on kousuke.

and good point, you're probably right about nessa protecting nol from yui until she couldn't anymore, i didn't think of that, thanks for pointing it out! we still know so little about nessa and yui both, it's going to be really interesting to learn more about them...

AAAAHHHH hello Nonny! I've been looking forward to you coming back! Also thank you! I am trying my best!!! This week has not been my best but at least my brain is feeling less sluggish, so there's that at least!

Also I have got to say, reading this message made me feel really weepy. I think it's obvious, but Kousuke is a character I've come to be just as invested in as I am in Nol and Shinae and now Alyssa, and I think you hit the nail right on the head. I think because of the way Kousuke has treated Nol, and his apparent privilege coupled with his less than savory personality, a lot of readers just kind of... dismiss him. And to some degree, I get it. Kousuke is rarely doing himself any favors to endear the audience to him - but that is what makes him such a fascinating character. The story proves that privilege and opportunity alone are not enough, but it also shows us that people do not exist in a vacuum, and that everything they do is impacted by and also impacts something else.

And you're right - it does come down to fear, and there's a reason fear remains a prevailing emotion/driver in many stories. I think man vs man conflict so often comes down to fear, it's the root of a lot of ugly emotion. Jealousy stems from it - a fear that someone has something you don't, that maybe you'll never come to possess yourself.

I think there's a lot to be said of formative foundations. Had Kousuke been older when he learned of Nol, had he received security and love and comfort from his parents, maybe we wouldn't be here. But it was when he was young enough to be influenced, when he was so lacking in his father's love, and to learn that this boy knew there existed a side to Rand that he himself had never met? It never registered to him that Nol had never actually met him because fear came crashing down - all those rumors people were whispering about him were true. Rand, the man too busy for his own son, too busy for his own family, had a whole other family, and they knew a version of him that he'd never gotten to meet. It took root in him at such a young age all it could do was grow with him like a weed. He had no way to know otherwise!

And something that really fosters all that fear IS the fact that he endured that kind of neglect. On some level, Kousuke knows what Yui does. He's gone to great lengths to try to keep his life private from her so she doesn't interfere. He was rightfully upset when he realized she'd gone behind his back to hire Shinae (and under such false pretenses, too!) and upset about the birthday antics. But he still went to her when he found out Nol might leave, that he might have a one up on him. He knows Yui is horrible, but she's also his only pillar of security. She's also the one who fosters that sort of false reality he lives in, because it's only there that he has that security. When facts and logic counter what he believes, he loses control, and he retreats into the version of reality he knows, because that's the only place he feels safe. I think that's a big reason why he cannot face the truth, why he so often finds himself rewriting accounts of things that happened - he cannot handle the unsettling dissonance between what he believes and what is so.

What a driver fear is, too! On some level, I think Kousuke might be aware of that connection of his identity with Nol. Perhaps not on a conscious level, but I think subconscious he reacts to Nol leaving for exactly that reason - without Nol to serve as a metric for which to measure himself against, how can he be sure he's better, he's the best? As much as Kousuke's identity is wrapped up in trying to please his father and earn a transactional concept of love, it's also wrapped up in being Nol's guardian - which, as you point out, is just an offshoot of not disappointing Rand. I definitely agree, too; it just makes that resentment stronger. Wouldn't you feel a little self-loathing, too, knowing that you can only see your greatness if you see how you measure against someone else? Living and believing this person you are constantly trying to be better than might know something you don't, might have been privy to something you never were? Acknowledging that he tears down Nol because a part of him doesn't trust that he can lord over him unless he does, that maybe he COULD best him?

It makes such COMPELLING storytelling! Once you can see Kousuke from this angle, it makes sense - why he can't stop trying to drag Nol down into his pit, why he stumbles on reality and has to rewrite things, why he's so desperately in need of control. It's so easy to say that Kousuke should know better because he's an adult, but one of the loudest, flashiest messages of ILY is that age does not make someone any better lol. Wisdom doesn't come with age - it comes with experience and also humility. There's no room for that in Kousuke's life and his experiences definitely are lesser than others. He's surrounded by people who tell him what he wants to hear, who just make nice with him to get by and maybe see if they can take advantage of their proximity to him. What experiences does he have, outside of those with Nol, that can drown out the fear he's living with?

Something someone brought up on reddit was that Kousuke was, for the most part, pretty "chill" (lol chill for Kousuke that is) when we first met him at the start of the story. Okay, let's nix that, he DID trip Shinae for a piece of cake LMAO but that brings me to what I'm getting at. When the story opens, it feels like Kousuke isn't around Nol nearly as much. He has an informant in Soushi which allows Kousuke to keep tabs on Nol without needing to be involved, and he's at a sense of peace. When we see him interacting with Shinae, while he's definitely cold and blunt, he does try to treat her with some regard of respect after Shinae essentially saves his hide by keeping Nol's date-rape drink a secret. Now we certainly can argue that this is because Kousuke feels he is indebted to Shinae, but I think it's also because when he has less of that stress going on, when he has a clearer mind that's not so cluttered with his fear, he has room to be the gentleman he wants to believe he is, to be the person he hopes will make Rand proud.

But it's once Kousuke gets re-inserted in Nol's life - the hospital after the masquerade, Nol coming to work for the week, the entirety of the black and white formal - that's when we start to see all the cracks forming and watch Kousuke slowly start to lose that control and spiral. Nol coming to work was the real curveball for him. Not for one minute did Kousuke expect Nol to take work seriously, but worse, he never anticipated that Nol would be so good at it or that his people skills would illuminate a jarring truth that Kousuke had blinded himself to. From that very moment, Kousuke enters a grappling battle to maintain his role. It's not enough to be the heir - it's about impressing Rand, it's about earning some transactional love, it's about fulfilling a duty that he takes too seriously, it's about ensuring that he is not lost. I think to Kousuke you are in one of two places: either the light or the shadow, and you cannot share them. If Nol is in the light, that relegates Kousuke to the shadows, so compelled by fear, he starts on his quest to sabotage Nol, so that his own weaknesses are not illuminated by the points where Nol shines.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! I really do have SO MANY thoughts and feelings these days about Kousuke and especially Kousuke and Nol, and the ways they are impacted by their families, the ways their circumstances pit them against each other. Kousuke has become a character I WANT to find his way, because I WANT him to be freed from the effects of his family and especially free of their control. I think your third point is SO VERY IMPORTANT because WHO is Kousuke outside of all of this? Who is he outside of Hirahara Heir, outside of besting Nol? He definitely knows there is something hollow and empty inside him - he wouldn't have to convince himself that he wants this career, that he wants to move to Japan, that he wants to do this if that wasn't true. He's so afraid that there is nothing more to him than the husk of a boy who is so desperate for his father's love, who tore others down for something that he ultimately never received, and frankly I cannot blame him for wanting to hide that and avoid facing it lol but I DO want to see him face that. I want to see what kind of person he decides to be outside of everything if he gets that chance. I say "gets that chance" but it's definitely more that he needs to actively come to that conclusion, but it's hard to imagine at this point what it will take for him to get there.

I don't think there's a lot that a conversation with Rand can do - though I do think that's highly necessary, if only to put everything in the open. I would love for Kousuke to get the chance to be honest with Rand, and not while being drunk leaving a voicemail or anything, but that's a big, big step. It goes against everything he's worked towards, goes against the very things that drive that fear. But I want to see him reach that point where he can tell Rand pointblank the ways he failed him, the way everything he ever did was because he just wanted that love and look at him, look at how he turned out! aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

I'm also inclined to believe the same as you re: Nol. I know Nol made it sound like he's absolutely done with Kousuke - and I certainly don't think he'll be welcoming him with open arms any time soon lol - but I think much like us as readers, much as characters like Hansuke and Yujing, I think Nol wants to see Kousuke break himself free. Let go of Rand, escape the sordid security blanket that is his relationship with Yui, and find himself. Become his OWN person. I think Nol will be more receptive to Kousuke when he can finally do that. Because again, as established, so much of Kousuke's personality thus far is just being better than Nol, is just trying to earn Rand's affection. But what does he do for himself? WHO is he? I think that's what Nol is waiting for and I don't think we'll see any kind of amicable relationship until that comes.

AAAHHHHHHHH this is so long lmao but MAN I have so many thoughts and feelings about this and I LOVE getting to talk to people about Kousuke when they can see these aspects of him. In an intriguing way, both Nol and Kousuke are driven by fear, right? Nol lives in fear of himself, of whatever guilt it is he carries. He carries this fear that he is a harbringer of doom and harm, that association with him will only get people hurt, that getting too close and caring too much is damning people, so he spent his life wearing a mask, trying to keep others at bay, trying to coast by and hope maybe, MAYBE he could absolve himself of whatever that guilt is by helping others. And when he got too close, when he started to care too much, he ran away, he lashed out, he took up a new facade. He's denied himself anything he wants or anything that brings him comfort out of fear. But where Nol's fear is internal, Kousuke's is so completely external. But at the end of the day, they are both driven by fear. Nol, I hope, will come to terms with the reality that he DOES have safe spaces. Nana loves him and wants to help him, wants him to live, wants him to find enjoyment. Shinae has proven what a caring friend she is, that even after the way he tried to ghost her and the guys, she still keeps coming back. But Kousuke doesn't quite have that support system Nol does. Or, rather, let me take that back. He does, he's just not aware of it and can't see it for that. He's so blinded by what he's lacking in a parental way that he can't see that Hansuke is the one person in the world who absolutely 100% has his back, and I think in time, depending on the choices he makes, he could find that in Yujing and Meg, both. (I think there is SO MUCH room for Meg and Kousuke to eventually be friends with a similar dynamic to him and Shinae - where she is no longer so besotted or obsessive and she can call him out when he's being y'know, Kousuke, where he can develop respect for her as a person. I want it SO badly lmao I want SO BADLY for him to come around on her!)

Basically a very important thing I think is: neither Nol nor Kousuke have that family relationship with their parents. Nol lost the one parent who ever gave him warmth and comfort, and I don't think Yui sees Kousuke as a son so much as an extension of himself. I think found family is the way to go for them. Nol has it, if he's willing to let them be that, if he can swallow his fear and let them be there for him. I think Kousuke could have it, too, if he, too, is able to let go of his fear. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I told you, just nonstop FEELINGS over here lmao thank you for always indulging me and my longwinded responses ;~; I just get SO EXCITED to talk about this, and especially to have these conversations who think so similarly about Kousuke and don't immediately go "throw him away he's irredeemable trash" lajfkafjkafjkaf lmao like fine for people who have those opinions but I just wanna dig into why these characters do the messy shit they do LMAO