#I think it's because of my autism (undiagnosed)
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Rewatching gravity falls and Mabel is the epitome of autistic 12 year old girl
#I know because I was once an (undiagnosed) autistic 12 year old “girl”#if Hulu let me screen record I’d make clips#but I think my dad has the episodes downloaded somehere#gravity falls#book of bill#mabel pines#autism
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whats the deal with being probably autistic and finding nonhuman characters who end up becoming "more human" via being able to experience / understand their feelings while not having to change who they fundamentally are, having people around them who are willing to try to understand them and help them when they do something totally not okay by human standards to be the most interesting, appealing characters. is it the probable autism thing . is that related or is this just a me issue
#personal#atp i dont think its 'probable' its straight up peer reviewed#the last set of appointments id had with my psychologist towards the end of our sessions he gave me a printed out list#of different specialists + the age ranges they generally work with & the insurances they take .#for if i wanted to pursue looking into an autism assessment. because he wasnt qualified for that#when i recently started seeing him again first meeting he reminded me that if i wanted to look into an autism diagnosis#he would do everything he could to support me through the process. that i didnt have to and it was my choice but that its still an option#schlawg i came back to you to dissect a major depressive spiral not my undiagnosed aura#(i appreciate him very much hes great but like. that is nottt what i came in for)#anyhow. been rerecognizing patterns lately.
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help
#just found 2014 jetko fic I VIVIDLY remember reading as a child.#and the reason I VIVIDLY remember it is because it was the first time I#remember one of my behaviors being labeled as an autistic trait. a 'haha I do that!'#moment but from a fucking. autistic!zuko 2014 jetko fic. and it was apparently so formative#that I remembered specific lines in the fic 10 yrs later. HELP. ah... the intersection of#yaoi and the undiagnosed autism of a 10 yr old... I think we've come full circle..
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checking out theodore tugboat right now and all I can say is that foduck would really benefit from reading the dsm v
#zin.txt#my beautiful princess with various personality disorders. please talk to me.#I don't think I'm joking like atp he's DEFINITELY an undiagnosed autism and ocd haver. maybe bpd too.... many such cases#which is why he's always like ''I don't know why I feel like this''or ''I'm so sorry I don't know why I did that''#him get upset over his coworkers stopping in the middle of work#going back and forth between valuing himself and feeling incredibly lesser than his peers because he is told to guard the docks#and cannot go out to the ocean#thus making his V title ''not worth anything'' according to him#''Im so important and nobody will get their job done without me''#[5 minutes later]#''I am not a part of the team because I cannot go out to the ocean and my Vigilant title has no meaning''#also the way he views his friends always changes like#one minute he's doting on them and cheering them on#next minute he's angry and agitated and dislikes them#next minute he's alll sorry and worried and anxious. curious indeed#living rent free inside my head and his neighbors are gordon and boomer
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Chuck McGill neurodivergent real?!!
#chuck mcgill#obviously a silly post because this is from a stupid tiktok (i think)#but also no because he's so obviously autistic coded#so true. factual#what undiagnosed autism does to a man (might be projecting)#also look at him#eepy....#screaming. kicking my feet.#i have a billion screenshots of him. help me
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does anyone when asked if they remember something horrible they did in their childhood just zone out in contemplation and say 'nope :)'
#my entire family thinks i remember nothing from before the age of 13#and like. thats BASICALLY true. but also why would i say 'yeah lol i remember that!' about being a burden to deal with as a child.#i don't actually remember much specifically.#i just generally know that i was a horror as a child because of the undiagnosed + ignored autism#and that people would just overwhelm me for the hell of it#until i'd lash out#ANYWAY.#vent#<- i guess#i didnt expect to ramble about tjat#sorry for talking about trauma on my trauma disorder blog. it will happen again /silly#my poasts
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ignore this I just need to vent somewhere so I don’t go insane ^_^”*
#flask rambles#Ever since quarantine I’ve just been getting worse and worse over the years. I genuinely miss being able to talk to people-#And making connections that felt real. Or at least I think they were real. I dunno I’d just love to be able to spend time with someone-#In person and do random shit like building a pillow fort or making tier lists. I miss playing video games will my college friends.#Also I used to have a close friend say “Just go out more” BITCH where!? There is literally nowhere to go in the middle of fucking nowhere.#Im hoping the convention goes well because I want to make friends I really do#low self esteem and other undiagnosed issues that are kicking my ass. holy shit I just want someone to be unapologetically black and nerdy-#With#Anyways I’m not beating any autism allegations anytime soon especially when I take all those tests and score high at all still 😭#If you read this I’m sorry
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i dont know much about trigun but i think it would be silly if vash and knives (they are brothers?) or vash and wolfwood (lovers? enemies? idk) were drawn like that barbie and ken mugshot meme. From what you post Mr Vash Stampede just seems like ken. little silly guy
YOU HAVE THE MOST PERFECT TIMING WITH THIS EVER I'm literally in the middle of drawing a picture of knives and vash that looks like this.
theyre brothers your honor
#i would draw the whole meme but i simply do not have the energy for it tonight#the phrase mr the stampede has been stuck in my head all night hehe u just reminded me of it#drawing vashs tristamp hair is soooo painful to me. i miss the spikey. unfortunately i am doing a style swap thing with this so i have to#sigh </3#hiiii louis this made me smile hehe thank u#also ive seen like 3 ppl do that meme with vashwood already so the fact that u included knives makes me happy :]#(<< guy who is having a category 12 emotional about millions knives moment tonight)#theyre BROTHERS. theyre brothers.....#i love the idea that after canon knives calms down and stops trying 2 kill everybody bc he realizes#oh i dont want to commit genocide actually. i just need therapy.#but like. he and vash are still both wanted criminals because. gestures at the events of trigun. all that#so its just. silly antagonistic brother adventures. i keep thinking abt that one drawing someone did of them comparing wanted posters#its so silly and its so important to meeeeeee.#knives just needs to smoke some weed and play Minecraft for a few hours and he'll calm down.#hes just got undiagnosed autism and a metric ton of childhood trauma. its fine#sorry i kind of went off on u there. I'm having trigun emotions tonight. if u couldn't tell#making this unrebloggable because its a wip <3 sorry kings#my sketches are sooooo ugly . u get the idea tho#asks#friends!!!#din0draws#shrimp fried rice#also. other file names blurred bc its a spoiler for another ask I'm answering soon. lmao
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So cracking open the crate of 'actually I had childhood trauma all along!' was unexpected. But now a lot of shit makes a bunch of sense.
#kerytalk#think I always knew it deep down but couldn't see it because I was dating a guy who REALLY had a bad childhood#also my undiagnosed autism default is basically: everyone is like this it's a you problem#it ... was not a me problem :/#brain kept this in a box until it was the last difficult thing for me to reconcile#but I think this is is now#I can heal now#but yeah expect my brain to be BRRRRRR for a hot minute I've got stages of grief to go through now aough
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Can't really relate to a lot of those "WHICH OF THESE COOL TOYS DID YOU HAVE" because 1. poor 2. we weren't allowed to have fun, apparently
#that awkward moment when you cant relate to a lpt of people because you were poor and also your parents like#hated you or something lmao#i will never forget when my mum threw out my hannah montana doll and her stuff to punish me :(#i loved that doll#also im personally victimised by the 'your mother buys you megablocks instead of legos' vine djdjdjfvrhdi#we had. megablocks. not legos.#i dont think i got my first lego set until 2018. when i was 20/almost 20.#we did have video games but#i got grounded from them all the time#because of stupid stuff like forgetting to wash the dishes after dinner#sorry i was eight and had undiagnosed adhd and autism lmao
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-- headcanon: dante's memory is very bad even on good days where they can actually remember bits and pieces of what the other sinners are like.
it's more or less a side effect of losing their memory (plus getting clocked round the head once or twice by ishmael in the april fool's day event [midspring night's dream] ), although there may be debate on whether or not their memory was naturally always this bad, even without the head replacement, and they figured out ways to keep track of things despite it.
sometimes they forget their own name, and it scares the hell out of them. if they can't remember who they are, currently, then how the hell do they expect to remember who they were?
#headcanon.#ooc.#welcome to percy projecting his undiagnosed adhd that he's on a waiting list to see a specialist for to tell if it's autism or adhd#although personally i think my memory's bad because depression can fuck with that.
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what the people on #neurodivergent instagram dont tell you is that moving through the world as a visibly autistic person does not feel fun, being clinically identified as autistic does not feel fun (especially when it limits your potential therapists from almost anyone in your county to 4), and almost dying from autistic burnout after 2 years of pushing through ptsd does not feel fun
#neurodivergent#autism#undiagnosed autistic until i told my dr i think im autistic#and they said oh thanks for advocating for yourself :) yeah i totally see it lets get you referred#maybe do your fucking job and pay attention to how i actually act instead of filling out normal eye contact and all that for everyone#i shouldnt have to “advocate” for myself as an obviously autistic person to be diagnosed because the pressures of existing undxed almost#killed me
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"Don't diagnose! you have no reason to believe you're autistic. you don't have meltdowns" I had a meltdown for about 20 minutes because (important company) got my SSN incorrect by one number and suddenly I have to wait 4-6 weeks for a form to go through to fix it. Not my fault. so instead of the thing that's taken months and months that was supposed to finally be over today, it needs another month and a half all because of one stupid little letter that news alone, that something went wrong, made me bash my head in so hard I have a bruise, and all my fingers have bandaids on them. 20 minutes. I'd rather just get help for autism than debate whether or not neurotypical people hit themselves whenever something goes wrong.
it's so frustrating that I can't just, not do this. I've been in therapy for years and I KNOW how to cope, I have the biggest strongest toolbelt full of coping skills, and just, one wrong day and suddenly I'm 10 years old again and can't speak a word, cant function, and everything is so fucking difficult. so yeah, pardon me for saying I have autism. it's not like I have anything else to call it. ugh
#to be fair I think this was a long time coming#I haven't had a meltdown like this in months#autism#nuerodivergent#undiagnosed autistic#womp womp#tw pain#cw#personal vent#I'm not going to count that as SH because that would break my nearly 4 year streak I think#sh warning#just to be safe
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I wonder how many of the "blonde (derogatory)" girls are actually just autistic
#My only evidence of this being common is one girl I knew in highschool#Who I'm pretty sure had undiagnosed autism (or maybe it was diagnosed and she just hadn't told me)#Because like a lot of the traits that others found annoying and shallow; I (a user of the autism website) recognised as autism symptoms#Like 'stupid' aka 'missing social cues or taking things too literally'#Like either just not picking up on sarcasm; or that one time they had a small hangout with some alcohol and she got black out drunk#I think the whole 'poor alcohol regulation' in general was a misunderstanding of the social contract in alcohol-heavy settings#Struggling to follow the reasoning of lectures in class I think was in general a common thing for her. Which I think is common in autism?#(Why else would autism often require special ed in countries that have that???)#I think in many ways she just happened to be attractive and put a lot of effort into her looks#Which in many ways is more important than your personality if you want to fit in as a woman#So I think that led to her being seen as shallow; annoying and stupid (aka blonde); rather than being a complete social outcast#She still wasn't well liked by many of my classmates. But she also wasn't usually left out. Which is better than how some had it
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annoying my followers by posting 500 death note posts out of nowhere and then getting into chainsaw man despite never posting anime on this blog
#the death note posts will probably return too I'm watching the show with a friend (it's her first time!!!)#L is one of my favorite characters of all time!!! (something something undiagnosed autism? lol)#You know what's funny tho I've watched the show to completion a few times but for the life of me I can't ever remember what happens after L#dies#Like i know there's new characters and new plot and everything and like again I've seen it but my brain litterally ignores it#people talk about like mello and near and matt and I only remember them because people talk about them for me L dies and then Kira does#like that is the fr plot in my head lol#also I kept seeing video essays on denji so I watched one episode of the chained sawed man and I think I love him#this sad wet pathetic beast of a man#truly on his way to becoming my poor little meow meow methinks#nic writes
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My brain is so stupid becaus will have half a million thoughts zipping through my head and the one that grabs me in its fist says I need to know how to measure one foot without a ruler because I am bad at spatial distances and mental measuring and measuring in general and someone important™️ will ask me if I can make an example with my hands and so it is imperative that I go measure the length of my calf RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THIS INSTANCE GO FIND A RULER, so that I am prepared for this very important and relevant™️ scenario that is definitely gonna happen no seriously trust me
#me things#midnight thoughts#midnight musings#i am. so tired#is it the anxiety or undiagnosed mental issues that causes me to make up scenarios like these#*gestures at everything*#I’m pretty sure that’s not normal#one day my doctor (except not because he doesn’t exist yet but WHEN HE DOES) will ask me to demonstrate a foot of space with my hands#it will be a matter of life or death#the ultimate judgement#and I will be prepared and ready to whip out my answer because I AM PREPARED#SO READY#some days I really do think to myself- is this trauma autism or a secret third thing (mental illness)
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