#I think eden was. pretty traumatizing for everyone involved

[gothamcitycentral]

I don’t think Adam has his fuckboy tendencies exclusively just because it’s his personality like the original humans were made to populate the earth and they didn’t even start wearing clothes until a while in they gotta have been designed to fuck like rabbits but now that they’re outta the garden they have to find different ways to cope with that and Adam does that by getting with his rockstar groupies while Lilith found herself an angel that’ll do Literally Anything for her with her or to her

[atzfilm]

— from eden; (m) part one

there's something wretched about this. something so precious about this, oh what a sin

— yeosang/f.reader, seonghwa/f.reader

— vampire!au, angst, smut (15.3k)

— you never thought you'd fall for your best friend. and yet there you were, stumbling upon him in a lover's embrace. heartbroken, you escape to a quiet bar not far from where you work. a man with a pretty mark on his face distracts you.

— content; mxm content, cussing, blood, blood drinking (it's painful, not sexy 😭) heartache, injuries, anxiety, death, violence, slightly descriptive murder (?), attempted assault (nothing happens aside from brief arm touch), insults, smut: unprotected sex, mention of threesome

part two (finale)

you never lived in the moment, never think about how the rain falls, how the streetlights seemingly has an otherworldly feeling to them. you're sure that many of us never do; so deeply involved in our own lives that we never second guess, never take a pause to truly see our surroundings. to hold in a breath and just take that second to stand, to look. you were one of them, until you met him. he's ordinary in every sense of the word. quiet, calm, brown eyes soft in their gaze, lips plush, reddening around the spot he bites into. he is so irrevocably ordinary that it makes no sense as to why you feel like this. park seonghwa should not be making you feel like this.

you sit on the opposite bench from said man, coffee lukewarm as you grip the reusable plastic, desperately trying to look anywhere but directly in front of you. should you feel this way? he's always been the one man you can count on, the one man who never hesitated to help. kindness seemed to flow through his skin as if it was his own blood. he's the opposite of you, the person you've desired to be. your lips tremble as you take in another exaggerated amount of air, eyes glued to the way his pen glides along the paper, glasses resting on the tip of his nose. you can remember the day you joined him on his exam; his eyes wide in shock when the optometrist told him his sight was worse than yours. oh how you wish you can turn back time, forget everything after that moment. somehow change things.

there are often times that you wish that you did not feel the way you felt. that your friend of four years did not make your chest ache so painfully. you hated liking someone, hated the dread, the anxiety that filled your body in every little interaction. you cross your legs, pulling a stray strand from tickling your cheek. your heartbeat fills your ears, your mouth dry.

maybe if you were able to turn back the clock – never stumbling upon him in that bathroom with san, lips pressed together, arms in a tight embrace. maybe if you were not insistent on checking up on him, things would be different. you would still only look at him as your best friend.

"surprised you haven't run over to him," your other friend slides next to you, his own coffee up to his lips. his headphones are his scarf, pale cheeks coated with a light blush. he wiggles his brows, nudging your shoulder as he continues. "traumatized just like the rest of us?"

"how so?" your brow lifts, finally shifting to him. "something new happened?"

"much of the same. san fucks another coworker, it spreads. seonghwa seems to be the victim this time, though. a bit sad, you know. he really thought they had something."

another thing you've forgotten. seonghwa told you of his own crush. choi san. everyone knows how he is, the endless list of conquests not ending anytime soon. you've warned him that san never took things like this seriously, but he refused to listen to you. insisted that it would be different. that he himself is different from the rest. there was no jealousy behind your intentions until you saw it in action. san making eye contact with you. the smirk crossing his lips. it's just something you can't get out of your head.

"i haven't spoken about it with him yet," you admit, sighing. "i should have already, it's just been so busy and–"

"and he needs his best friend," hongjoong lifts his cup, gesturing to him. "he has been knee deep in that project, distracting himself. it's been days already."

you want to say you know, but it'll only make matters worse. you aren't sure what san said to seonghwa, if he ever told him of your presence just on the other side of the door. and it scares you that he might have. there was no hiding the look you gave the two of them no matter how much you tried to hide it. envy? jealously? bitterness? in the end they are all one in the same.

"i'll talk to him."

—

you didn't. hands folded in your head in the staff library, staring at the endless shelves, a pout on your lips. you are not short by any means, but the shelves are high enough to touch the ceilings. and the one book you need rests at the very top. your eyes shift to the ladder next to you, immediately tensing. climbing up over eight feet is not on your agenda (and in fact, never was), so here you stand. anger rising.

"you could have called me."

seonghwa stands there in all his glory – black turtleneck tucked into his pressed slacks, familiar black boots covering his feet, pretty round glasses resting on top of his head. how have you not noticed how effortlessly handsome he was before? he tilts his head at you, a small smile on his lips.

"we've been over this plenty of times. can't read into that big mind of yours. gotta say it out loud." he slides the ladder as you step back, slowly ascending to the shelf you need. you don't even tell him which book it is that you want, his long fingers delicately plucking it off the shelf.

"you’ve been so involved with the project i didn't want to interrupt because of my fear," you frown. "if hongjoong or mingi came around i would've asked them."

"mingi?" he snorts. "he's as afraid of heights as you, maybe more."

"you are too and yet here you are," you gesture to him as he makes his way down. "my knight in shining armor, always."

"it's my job when it comes to you, pretty," he laughs, finally back on the floor. he's always called you pretty, but with your growing feelings it only makes you sink further into regret.

just as he's about to pass the book back to you he stops, smile slowly fading. "you think i haven't noticed your lack of appearance, birdie? it's been over a week and you've barely texted me. your hourly knocks on my office door haven't happened, at all."

this isn't the way you wanted to do this. in all honesty you didn't even mean to avoid him, but your fear of how you feel is getting to you. especially as he stands here now, worry in his eyes as he waits for you to say something. anything.

"i’m sorry about san."

his hold on the book tightens, brows furrowed. "birdie–"

"i know you're going to say that i don't need to worry or that you'll be fine. and i know i messed up not speaking about it with you until now when i know how you felt about your relationship. i've been a horrible friend, hwa. and that feeling grew inside of me to the point where i was scared to speak to you."

seonghwa looks at you, eyes flicking between yours. he swallows slowly, tucking the book beneath his arm. without another word he takes your hand, pulling you through the stacks of books, weaving in and out the rows. you see plenty of people on your way with him. if they find it strange they don't say a word about it. he opens the balcony door, guiding you through. the wind blows past the two of you, bumps rising on your arm.

the two of you often ventured out here. away from prying eyes. away from lingering gazes. some nights you would stand next to each other and let your hearts speak untainted words. after this conversation surfaces, you're not too sure how this place would be comforting anymore. seonghwa stops pacing after a moment, eyes meeting yours.

"san told me."

"what did he say?" you ask softly. you know. it would be foolish for you not to.

"y/n," seonghwa sighs. "he told me."

no.

"i mean, i just thought it was nothing. i thought you were freaked out seeing us like that but–"

no. no.

"–maybe it's more than that? is it more than that, birdie?" he stops pacing, looking to you. "am i more than that to you?"

the hollowness of your chest grows as he stands there, putting the pieces together. it was fine, everything was fine. you were okay with feeling this way for him. everything was supposed to be okay. should you lie? will it make him stop?

"i know what you're thinking. and don't," he holds up his hand, shaking his head. "don't you dare lie to me."

"we've been best friends since we were kids, hwa."

"don't do that to me." His voice cracks at the end. "please."

"san is just talking, trying to mend things over between the two of you. there's nothing more to it."

he shakes his head, "we always tell each other the truth, so i can tell when you're lying."

"we can't do this, hwa." you're not sure if he can hear your words over the wind. "i don't want to do this with you."

"so we just pretend it's nothing? i pretend that you don't like me more than a friend and you pretend that you never saw san fucking me? is that it? your bright solution?"

you hate this. it's becoming more tainted.

"seonghwa, please–"

"no," his voice rises, and he stops, tongue dragging across his lips. his words are calmer this time. "no. i waited over a week for you to come to me and say something but you didn't say a word. and i thought that you were just embarrassed, you know? i thought that was it so i decided to come see you myself. but when you looked at me, you were afraid. you looked at me with fear, birdie." the cracks are forming. "and that's when i knew. i knew that despite how much of an asshole choi is, he was not lying when he said that you were probably in love with me. just, please. how long?"

"i don't know."

"y/n–"

"i don't fucking know, seonghwa! i'm not lying. i didn't know until i saw the two of you and..." you look away from him to the city landscape. though you've always felt small, it's never been this apparent. "and i felt it. i felt it, and i didn't know how to react or what to do so i stupidly thought it was best to ignore it. hoped that it would go away."

"love does not just go away, birdie. not like that."

you look back at him, your lips growing drier as the wind gusts hit the two of you. his hands are fists, eyes flicking between yours. love does not just go away. he said that and yet why is he looking at you with everything but?

"push me away," you say. his face finally gives you some sort of emotion. brows furrowed in confusion, lips parted. "you didn't ask for this and neither did i. so tell me to go away. tell me you don't want to be friends with me anymore. tell me to leave."

"birdie–"

"tell me to fucking leave, hwa, or ill do it myself."

"go, then. just, go."

you close your eyes. "okay." there's no reason for you to look back at him, let yourself fall into a deeper hole. so you move past him, ignoring what you believe is a sob escaping his lips. you ignore it despite everything you've been through. you ignore it because you're not sure how you will ever be able to fix this.

-

sliding back into your chair, you stare at the glass on the marble top. is it your third? fourth? you told the bartender to cut you off at some point, but it all feels like a blur now. you feel a bit of the buzz, but it's still not enough to pull you away from your thoughts.

"you look broken."

"is that the pickup line you're starting with? must be a rough night."

his chuckle is surprisingly low, seeping into your ears. "not quite a pick up line, no. but you look afraid, hurt. not uncommon at bars, but yours looks different."

you still have not turned to him. "how so?"

"it looks like your world was taken away from you."

your eyes flick to him. the soft light of the bar makes his skin glow, eyes on yours. they're a deeper brown, a marking on his temple, fading into his eye. if it is a scar or a birthmark you're not too sure, but it makes his face only more interesting to look at. handsome is an understatement, the curl of his lips, lift of his brow making you look away. devilishly handsome men just seem to never leave you alone. fortunate for him though, your heart is too broken to jump into the bed of another.

so you tell him as such.

"if you're trying to fuck me just give up now. this sad, broken woman isn't going to cry into your arms."

"if i wanted that i would have gone to someone else, miss," he takes a long sip of his drink, humming. "just conversation."

"why?"

"you looked like you needed someone to talk to. but if I'm being presumptuous, tell me, i'll go away."

quiet.

"you're not far off."

"hm?"

"about my world falling apart, being taken away from me. you're not far off. my best friend found out i was in love with him and i told him to get pissed at me and leave. he never did. i was the one who ran. i was the one who ran, and yet here i am. drowning my heartbreak in whatever the fuck this drink is," you eyeball the glass next to you. "a whiskey sour, maybe?"

"you're right."

you hold your face in your hands. "and now i'm confessing my fucking woes to a stranger because i have no one else. everyone i know knows him, so they'd probably tell him what i'm doing, and he'll come over and yell at me for being irresponsible and call a taxi home for me and i'll have to pretend that i don't want him–" you stop in the middle of your rant, glancing to the side.

"i'm sorry."

he waves you off, "never apologize for your feelings. you needed to let it out. who am i to stop you?"

"just a bit shocked you haven't run yet."

he snickers this time, rolling his eyes. "you are quite something. you're pissed that someone might come here and force you back home. and yet you're telling me what to do with my time? a bit ironic."

"i…" you trail off. "fuck, you're right."

"thank you for thinking so," he teases. "and if i can, i'd like to comment on your dilemma. though i doubt the words of a stranger will do much, i hope i can be of some help."

"take it away, stranger."

he gives you a brief smile, before looking at the glass in his hand, thinking. "in my long life, i've had many heartaches and regrets. i've hurt myself as well as others along the process. but what i have learned is that letting your thoughts linger on their own only hurts more. so your choice of telling him was the right thing to do despite how it may have ended. and from what you're saying, he still loves you just the same. he's kind."

"waiting for the advice to kick in," you note, and he only laughs.

"he loves you. he would be a fool not to. there are few men who would do as you say if they didn't. i know this is the opposite of what you want, but speak to him again. he may be at another bar crying over you as you are over him. actually, i’m sure he is."

"he wouldn't cry over–"

"he would," the stranger interrupts, taking another sip. "if you listen to none of my words then listen to this: you are giving yourself no credit. he loves you. if your relationship is as special as you say, he will be crying at the end of the bar, swallowing his sorrows, just as you are now."

you swallow slowly. your mouth feels dry now, the alcoholic drinks somehow making you feel utterly sober. you push the glass further away, taking the last sip of the bottle of water in front of you. the stranger watches as you think.

"i'm not sure i'm ready for that. the confrontation, that is. i'm scared."

"and admitting that is brave in itself," he glances at the drink near you, waving the bartender over. "may i request another bottled water for the lady, and a coke for myself?"

the woman disappears down the bar after hearing the order. "i'm not usually this bad at drinking."

"i can tell. you've tended a few glasses already, love," he thanks the bartender, passing you the water. "it's cold, perhaps it'll wake you up sooner."

"drowning my sorrows, uh…" you blank on his name. "wait, did i just go on a rant without even introducing myself?"

"that you did."

if you could shrivel away into nothingness you would. "y/n. yourself?"

"kang yeosang."

“nice to meet you, kang yeosang,” you smile.

“likewise, y/n.”

“and thank you for the drink. you shouldn’t have.” you take a sip of the water. “i owe you.”

“do you?” he raises his eyebrows, taking a sip of coke. “then i ask only this: take care of yourself, and don’t listen to other strangers’ advice. and,” his eyes glance at the open bottle in front of you, hand moving over the top of the glass as he slides it closer to him. “don’t leave your other drinks out in the open, please.” he takes it away from you, “i saw a man pour something into it while you were gone.”

the buzz washes away at his words, “what?”

“that’s why i came over. he’s been watching you for a while now. i’ve already alerted the bartender, and the police should be here any moment now,” he covers the contaminated drink with a napkin. "I couldn't find the right moment to tell you, so i decided to let you speak while i watched your drinks."

insults at yourself begin to swirl in your head. how could you be so oblivious to it happening right in front of you? yeosang just stumbled upon it on his night out. if he wasn't here… you could only guess what would happen.

"is he still here?" your voice is lower now. body rigged.

yeosang pauses for a moment, before nodding. "yes. but he hasn't approached you since i've been lingering around you."

is it wrong of you to ask for him to stay?

"i won't leave until i know you're safe," he acknowledges the worried look in your eyes, a small smile gracing his lips. "we don't know each other well, but i'll keep my distance. if you don't mind it, of course. this situation is uncomfortable enough. i can leave you–"

"no!" your voice comes out louder than you'd like, your face warming briefly. "no. i want you to stay. if that's okay with you."

he nods. "it is."

the police arrive quickly, yeosang helping them identify and apprehend the suspect. he never leaves your side throughout the whole process, piecing things together that you haven't noticed at all. he keeps the same calm demeanor as before, giving the officers as much information as he can. you're more than grateful for his presence, soothing the long night you've had. eventually though, the police leave with the man.

the quiet air surrounding the bar is a bit unsettling now, knowing what you could have suffered. the two words you've wished to say to him throughout this ordeal are stuck in your throat. is it nerves? maybe. you were just never good with things like this. but still, he saved you. he didn't need to, but he did.

the thought makes the words come easier.

"thank you."

"not necessary," he waves you off easily. "anyone would have done something if they saw."

"but no one saw except for you. so i’m more than grateful. i don't know how to repay you–"

he shakes his head again. "no repayment. nothing. i've settled my thoughts now knowing you're safe. i do want to say something though. it may be overstepping my position as a little more than a stranger, but i do hope you stray away from the alcohol tonight. you're drunk, and it… may bother me a bit, knowing you're here alone."

the words of a stranger shouldn't make your chest float.

"alright."

time passes by fast as yeosang stands with you outside, the two of you watching the perpetrator being placed in handcuffs. though the police asked if you would like to ride with them and you explicitly stated no, yeosang offered to help you to the police station. pressing charges against a stranger on a night like this is the last thing you want to do, but having him attempt to do this to another innocent person would riddle you with guilt. you’re quiet throughout the small diatribe that the officer gives you, that overwhelming feeling again settling within you.

“must she go?” yeosang asks the officer, glancing over at you. “i was the one who witnessed it. there isn’t much for her to say other than she ordered a drink.”

“is that so? then are you willing to come instead?”

“of course. i’ll follow after you.”

the police officer thanks him again before leaving, disappearing into the oddly quiet night. yeosang looks you over, concerned. “would you like me to walk you to the train station?”

“that’s not necessary,” you say quickly. “it’s only a block or so away.”

he nods again. “well, please stay safe. don't,” he pauses, looking away. “don't follow strangers around. you seem to be sober enough, but still.”

“worried?” you ask, a bit cheeky.

“i am.”

there is no teasing in his voice, jaw tightening as he looks at you. conflicting emotions cross his gaze. you're not sure what to think of it yourself.

“you’re a stranger you know.”

he sighs, “i am.”

“can i have your phone number?” you ask. “just to let you know when i'm home safe. so you don't have to worry. and you can give it to the police if they need it.”

his smile is cheeky, the plush of his cheeks lifting. it makes the hard angles of his face softer, eyes rounder. you aren’t one to call men adorable, but there’s no other description you could think of. he digs into his jacket pocket, a sleek black phone appearing in his hands. without a response, he holds it out to you. you quickly type in your number underneath his quiet gaze, texting yourself. once confirming, you hand it back to him.

he stares at it for a moment, then hums. “perfect. don't forget about messaging me, y/n.” he tilts his head slightly, bowing. you do the same back, giving him one last glance before heading to the station. the itch of not looking back irks you, but you do so anyway. unfortunately in those brief seconds, he had already left the front of the bar. hm.

he must walk pretty fast.

–

you don’t message him.

it’s not like you promised the man that you’d do it, it was merely a suggestion. and he has your contact information, he can reach out if he'd like. once you arrived home that night you came to your senses. one - speaking to strangers about your personal problems should be saved for therapy - and two - you should not give said strangers your personal information after trauma dumping. the thought of you crying your heart out to him is embarrassing enough, you’re only glad you were too intoxicated to realize how embarrassing it was. sobriety may be in your future.

you push the cart down the tight aisle, careful not to push it into one of the shelves. you’ve left your job since telling seonghwa. but books have always been a home for you, so it took a bit, but you were able to find another small library placement not too far from your apartment. it didn’t pay as well since your position was based on seniority, but it’s enough for you to be comfortable.

you stop in one aisle, glancing down at the book in your hand before looking ahead. it is just your luck that you see the man of the hour.

he holds an identical copy in his hands, sunglasses tucked in his hair, resting on the top of his head. prescription glasses - this is your assumption - on the brim of his nose as he reads. his blond hair is as alluring as that night, the redness of his birthmark seen behind a few strands. his clothing is lightweight aside from the open brown trench coat; collared cotton button up, pleated pants, white shoes. a simple outfit and yet he stands out amongst the rest. your mind wasn’t making things up - his beauty is beyond what you can comprehend, just like your old best friend’s. hands flip through the book, lips slightly curved as he skims the pages. his soft brown eyes look up from his reading, meeting yours. you hope that he does not remember you, but recognition flashes in his gaze, cheeks lifting as he smiles. he lifts the glasses off his face, slipping them into the lining of his coat.

“it seems that you have gotten home well,” is the first thing that leaves yeosang’s mouth, book shutting. he places it back in its spot.

“i did,” there is no use lying to him that you couldn’t remember. the stillness of your body alone is enough for him to see the guilt hanging around you. “i’m sorry i didn’t let you know.”

“you had no obligation to a stranger,” he shrugs. “it would have been nice, but i didn’t expect much.”

“still, i should have said something,” you step closer to him, placing the book on the shelf. how awful that he smells really good too. sickening, even. “i was too scared to. after that night.”

his brows furrow, “scared? did i do something to upset you? or did someone else bother you?”

“no no,” you say quickly. “scared was a bad word to choose. maybe, embarrassed? i mean, i can’t believe i spilled my guts to a man that sat next to me at a bar on a random night,” you can feel your face warming. “i don’t think i’ll ever live it down.”

he smiles, shaking his head. “i told you it didn’t bother me. and i was glad to be your comfort, stranger or not. are you alright?”

he is still caring, even after you’ve decided not to message him. you nod, holding the book between your sweaty palms, “i am.”

“then all is well,” he steps around you. the wool of his coat brushes against your arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake. his perfume stuns you for a brief moment, grip tightening on the book. he glances at the shelves, before stepping out the aisle. you cannot help but think this may be your last chance of running into him — you’re not sure what reason you have to keep him around you for a while longer. but you step out the aisle, mouth ready to call out to him.

instead, your body almost collides with his, his hands wrapping around your upper arms to steady you. the touch is brief, though your stomach twists at his touch. he’s a bit cold, letting go once he sees you adjust yourself. he tucks a stray hair away from his face, cheeks lifted in a smile.

“this may be presumptuous of me, and i didn’t want to make any suggestions that night because of the situation. and i know you’re in a bad spot right now and it may not be a good time, but…” he clears his throat. “would you like to hang out? not a bar, not drinking. but a cafe maybe?”

your smile matches his, “yes.”

his small smile is endearing as he nods, looking away from you. “great.”

“good.”

he laughs, “seems like we’re both not good at this.”

“not at all. but at least we’re not good together.”

though he does not blush, his lips tremble, eyes scattering across your face as you say the words. perhaps he does not blush at all, but you can tell your words flustered him. he licks his lips, “i’ll message you, i’m free tonight.”

“so am i.”

“then it’s a date.”

he holds out his hand, and you take it, ready to shake. instead he lifts yours, his lips lightly brushing against the back of it. “a date.”

—

the air is calming between the two of you. shy glances back and forth, your fingers playing with the lining of your shirt, his dragging along the thin layer of shirt he wears. he is not cold, he told you this several times. his laugh echoes around the small cafe, cheeks lifting when he notices how loud he is. neither of you say much but it is plenty enough. he makes you forget about your heartache, your hurt. he shines rather brightly in the low light. you haven’t the need to focus on him fully, his presence effortless in comforting your heart. it is equally enjoyable and terrifying all at once. who would have though that after several dates you’d still feel terribly shy in front of him.

“can i see you again?” you ask after a moment of quiet laughter. it is something silly you’ve asked each time you’ve met up. it’s become a routine now, his smile too hard to resist each time you utter the words.

he takes a sip of his coffee. black. not something you’d choose for yourself, but he seems to enjoy it. it’s his second already. “of course. i hoped you would ask,” he admits jokingly, fingers pushing his hair away from his face. “i do enjoy being around you.”

“flattery only gets you so far,” you frown, though it is anything but irritation.

“it is only the truth,” he shrugs.

  if your face could turn red it would at his words, it would. your lips enclose around the metal straw, its cool temperature soothing. “have you had any partners recently?”

he shakes his head, “not in a long time. relationships were never something i considered.”

oh.

you try not to show how that affects you, but it seems to be spelled out in the expression you make. he continues speaking.

“but i think i’ve changed my mind rather recently,” he adds, avoiding your gaze completely. “and if that person is still… mending themselves, i am willing to wait.”

“even if it is long? what if it’s years?” there is no teasing in your tone, now. you are undoubtedly serious. you enjoy yeosang, you enjoy him being around you. but you wouldn’t ever want to hold him back from something he wants. no matter how much it’d hurt you - that devastation you felt yourself was enough. having the kind man in front of you experience even a fraction of what you have felt is terrible to fathom.

“love,” his hand reaches out, covering yours. though he insists that he’s not cold, you can feel it on his skin. but the word that he’s just said, let slip from his lips. love.

he called you love.

“i will wait for you,” he does not look away from you. “i will wait years if i have to.”

“yeosang, we’ve known each other for only a few months,” you shake your head, “it’s ridiculous to hold yourself back from someone you barely know.”

his fingers wrap around yours, humming, “right? i, i’ve met so many people in my life. but relationships were something i just did not desire. but,” he laughs. “your presence might have changed it all for me.”

you could only giggle, placing your free hand against your face, holding in your embarrassment. you are not one to declare your feelings as forward as he could. after a couple of seconds of letting his words sink in, you look back at him. his gaze is so clearly unswayed, held tilted barely as it rests on his hand.

“okay.”

“okay?” his brow raises.

“okay, i’m okay with that.”

his smile only grows, “so am i.”

-

though the two of you have never uttered that you were partners, you are exclusively seeing one another in a sense. he often rested at your place – on the couch, never in your room. you never went inside his place, though you’ve seen the outside of it. a tall building, one in a district you’ve avoided your whole life. yeosang never bragged about how much money he earned, but he told you that he was wealthy. enough so that he only traveled once or twice a month for work. he said it was business but again, didn’t elaborate. at the time you should have questioned him more about it but he changed the subject before your mind could truly settle on it.

and one night, out of the blue, he invites you to his place. you decided to go to the convenience store just before, stepping inside the well-lit area, scanning the ramyeon shelves. a startled oh pulls your attention away from the assortment, looking to your side.

if it were possible for a heart to physically shatter, this moment would be it. choi san stands there, eyes wide, hands wrapped around a bag of chips. he looks nervous and worried, glancing back then looking at you. your smile is strained. you grab whatever is in reach, turning down the aisle and going to the register. the employee greets you but you can’t muster a response, hand gripping the curve of the counter. thoughts elsewhere.

you never thought you’d run into any of them ever again, especially since hongjoong told you yourself that no one really ventured in this neighborhood. you wish he were here now to distract you from your inner turmoil. you thank the employee with your eyes, not bothering to look around and exiting the store.

“y/n, please wait!”

you hear his voice behind you. running would be silly, and you’re an adult right? dealing with your issues in person, rather than running from them. that’s what you’re supposed to do. so despite the sorrow and hurt that is merely simmering at the surface, you look at san. he looks as handsome as he always does, though his eyes are moist now, hands wrapped around his bag. he stops once he sees you turned around.

“hi, san.” you say, “i have somewhere to be–”

“i didn’t think it through,” he starts promptly, not bothering to greet you properly. “i thought it was just another hookup, y/n. fuck, i mean, i didn't know he liked me like that. or had feelings that were more than just wanting to fuck. everyone around that place knows how i am, i just," san sighs loudly. his fingers trembled as he pushed them through his hair. "seonghwa is a good guy. one of the best i know. i'd never break his heart on purpose. i didn't know what to do anymore. i wanted to tell you what i felt so i was going to. and then you left the place entirely so i couldn't even talk to you about it and–"

"i don't blame you, san," you say softly, noticing his spiral. "i don't think he blames you either. he takes stuff like this hard, that's all. seonghwa doesn't hate you, he doesn't hate anyone. but i doubt you'd be the same if the person you like rejects you. it takes a while to get back to yourself. this is him taking that time."

he rubs his face, nodding at your words. "you think so?"

"we were best friends for longer than i can count. i know– knew, him better than i know myself. i'm more than sure."

“i didn’t know you had a thing for him, y/n. i said it at the time because i didn't know how to let him down easy. i really didn't know it was true.”

there it is. the conversation you’ve avoided for months now. the heartbreak that you’ve hidden so deeply inside of you. yeosang never mentioned it and neither did you. but seeing san, knowing that his hookup with seonghwa is what started it all. it’s not his fault, but seeing him again now, in front of you, makes it harder. you rub your face, closing your eyes.

“i didn’t know either, san. but it’s been a long time since it happened. we shouldn’t let something so long ago bother us now. i’m okay.”

relief seems to sink into him, “i’m sorry. and i’m sorry for telling him, it was shitty of me.”

“it’s okay, you don’t need to apologize. things happen. but i’m okay now. it’s okay.”

“right, you are,” his gaze flicks to how your hand trembles as you hold your bag. “there’s so much more to say, but i don’t want to hold you up any longer. you probably have somewhere to be.”

“i do, but thank you,” you pause. “thank you for stopping me too. i hope you’re well. i hope you and everyone else at the place are healthy. send them my greetings.”

“i will,” he smiles, dimples intending his cheeks. san has always been a kind man. you’ve never had any ill will towards him, he just ended up in the middle of it all. “i’m sure seonghwa would like to hear that.”

–

your hair sticks to your forehead. makeup trickles down your cheeks, staining your shirt. your plastic bag grew too heavy for you to hold, sitting on the side of you as you stare out into the streets. you haven’t moved from the front of the market.

your phone ran out of charge long ago, tucked inside your bag. you tried to grab it, knowing that yeosang probably called, but you couldn’t bring yourself to answer. the incident with seonghwa was months ago, it was so long ago. you shouldn’t be this upset.

you shouldn’t be this hurt.

hearing his name after such a long time, you thought you’d be okay. you thought that you would handle it easily. but his name, along with seeing san? it was all too much.

is there something wrong with you? he didn’t die, he’s probably living well without you. and yet you mourn. your tears hidden beneath the rain, body shivering. you should try to get to yeosang. let him know you’re okay.

you should do that.

you look down at the sidewalk beneath you. people walk past. some have glanced at you, but none have pulled you from this. what is this? why can’t you describe it?

you’re cold.

“hey.”

you barely look up from where you are. an older man stands there, vaguely familiar. you think back for a moment – ah, the employee in the store. mustering up words is just too much effort now. so you meekly nod, water splattering against your face. his hand touches your shoulder and you tense up.

“a pretty woman like you shouldn't be out here alone.”

your lips tremble, nudging his hand away. he only tightens his grip, your eyes widening. your chest tightens, body unwilling to move. you've never been in such a situation, filled with too much fear to force your mind out of its despair. just as he begins to lean down, a loud sound fills your ears. you close your eyes, the ringing harsh against your temple. enough so that it consumes your thoughts.

you should call him.

the hum of a car stops in front of you. the door slamming should have startled you, but you’ve grown too numb from the sound to react. you feel those familiar cold hands on your cheeks. it’s enough for you to look up. the mark looks darker in this low light, brown against his temple, fading into the curve of his eyes. his thumbs rub your cheeks, eyes flicking between yours. neither of you say a word, but you feel how he pulls you into his chest. you cannot remember when the sobs began. but they engulf you, hands finally able to move, arms wrapped around his body as he pulls you into him. you’re too overwhelmed to say anything, but you hear him. you hear his words.

i’m here for you.

i know, i know.

it hurts a lot, i know.

let’s get you somewhere warm.

–

you sit on his sofa. he’s given you his clothing to change into, an older pair of sweats and sweater. he hasn’t touched you since bringing you back to his place, careful to avoid your skin. a cup of steaming medicinal tea sits on the small coffee table, cookies you love next to it. your eyes flick to the screen, television playing your favorite cartoon.

yeosang does not say a word as he cooks in the kitchen, humming every once in a while. he has not broken the silence and neither have you. your heart has settled down a bit, enough for you to speak. are you scared to start? yes. yeosang has never been once to pry, always allowing you your own space to say what you wanted. it’s something you’ve admired since you’ve met him. there was never any pushing from him. he let you open up yourself.

“it was san,” your voice is low. you’re afraid that he has not heard you at all, but his humming stops.

“the hookup?”

you thank him silently for his good memory. “yes. he… we ran into each other inside that convenience store. he said sorry for everything. then he said his name, and i…”

you couldn’t breathe.

“it hurt.”

“it did,” you murmur. “i thought it’d be fine, speaking to him. since it’s been so long, i thought i’d be fine. but i wasn’t, yeosang. it felt like the first day that i told seonghwa to never speak to me again. it just felt like too much.”

“you have yet to mourn what you’ve lost, love,” yeosang enters the living room, sitting on the couch across from you. “it will hurt for a while even if you’ve accepted that he was no longer in your life. he’s your best friend.”

“was,” you correct. yeosang doesn’t comment on that, continuing.

“it will take time.”

you hide your face, sighing. “and i’ve only just opened myself up to you because i was afraid of my hurt. i cannot believe i let you see me that way.”

“you know that that doesn't bother me. we care for each other, y/n. i hope that we can see each other at our best and at our worst.”

“that’s the thing,” you look up. “you’ve been seeing me at my worst this whole time, you haven’t even seen me at my best and yet you’ve stayed.”

yeosang looks at you, hand resting on his knee. he closes his eyes for a moment, breathing slowly. “that is because i haven’t told you all of what i’ve been dealt, y/n.”

you can feel that ill feeling slowly come back. he seems to sense it, quickly speaking.

“it is nothing against you, that i assure you. but this might not be the best time to say anything more. you are still hurt. i’d rather you not be overwhelmed with it all.”

“are you a criminal or something?” you joke, though there is a bit of curiosity within the jab. yeosang has not shown you anything negative so you cannot quite guess what he’s hiding. you haven’t seen his family yet or friends, so maybe it’s that? letting your mind wander will only make it worse.

“no.”

“yeosang–”

"i’m a vampire."

"and i am a fairy," you snort, rolling your eyes. yeosang thinks for a moment, eyes flicking over yours.

"i'd believe it since your beauty matches one of the fae, but your personality does not. there's not a conniving cell in your body, love."

“you’re joking,” your brows furrow, staring at him. he does not give you the usual small smile, nor does he laugh at your confusion. no, all he does is stare at you, waiting for a response. you can only look at him, eyes flicking over his face. oh, you’ve fallen for a man who lost his mind, then?

your luck just seems to continuously run out.

“you look like you’re going to run,” he says, attempting to reach you. you move away, and he does not try to chase you. he observes you as you stand from your spot, body tensing the more you look at him.

his beauty has always been something you’ve noticed, something that’s occupied your mind more times than not. but you’ve seen him eating, seen him drink coffee and swallow slices of pizza with you. from what you’ve learned of vampires (via various forms of media), they cannot stomach human food.

“how?”

he shrugs, “it has been a millennia, y/n, and i still don’t have the answer to that.”

“i mean,” you wave your hands around. “you’ve eaten food with me, you’ve had drinks with me. you’ve done all of that, and not once have i seen you drink blood.” your stomach turns at the thought. “yeosang, you’re joking with me, right? this is just a weird test or something?”

“what would i be testing on you, love?”

“i don’t know–”

“y/n, listen to me carefully.” he still does not move from his spot, but his eyes meet yours, his lips trembling slightly. “i was born as a vampire. i was not turned into this creature. i have met several of my kind over the centuries. most of us avoid one another since we are not really friendly. we stay on our own most of our lives. there may be times where you see one or two together, but rarely more than that. i am alone,” he says slowly. “i have not told a human soul what i am since i was a child. you are the only one who knows, on this earth.”

“because people would think you’re out of your mind?”

“that,” he agrees. “and because i am rare, one of less than a hundred. and humans are fond of dissecting things they do not understand. though my life has been long, i have still a lot of it left. i’d rather not die early.”

his words are just unreal. no matter how he explains it to you, you just cannot accept them as true. he seems to know that as well, sighing softly. “you do not believe me?”

“i believe that you think that’s what you are. have you ever seen a doctor for your condition?”

“y/n, as i have told you–”

“right,” you nod slowly. “the whole i’m-the-only-human-who-knows thing.”

“would you like me to prove it to you?" he does not wait for an answer, standing up from his spot and walking off. you do not follow, eyes widening when you see him come back with a knife in his hand. he sits down at the coffee table, legs folded. “this is the only way you’d believe me.”

“yeosang, i believe you,” you watch as he lifts the knife. “yeosang!”

his eyes meet yours briefly, smiling, “don’t worry.” he drops it, the chopping sound echoing around you. you scream, hands rushing to cover your eyes. the sound is horrid, there is no description of how the slicing of flesh resonates. the metal clings as it hits the floor. there is no howl of pain, no sound of him falling to the floor with the knife. nothing at all. you’re terrified to open your hands and see what he’s done.

“you have to look quickly before it heals, y/n,” he says softly. “please, do this one thing for me.”

“i swear, yeosang,” you hesitantly look at him, flinching once you see what’s in front of you. there are no splatters of blood. his hand is not on his wrist at all. but what you do see, oh, it’s indescribable. his amputated hand slowly slides back to his wrist stump. the sound is like bones cracking as it attaches itself. the two of you watch, skin sinking into each other, smoothing over until it appears that nothing has happened at all.

you’re stunned.

“you are all i can trust,” he says, wiggling his fingers. “this might be a lot to take in but–”

you raise your hand, “hold on.”

as moronous his confession is, it makes sense, oddly. sure, there’s no possible explanation for how he could possibly chop off his wrist, especially without as much as a scream from him. but what is his purpose - has he planned this all to entrap you? you care for him dearly, possibly love him. is this his goal all along, have you involved enough so you’re unable to leave his side? unable to make rational decisions? you from months ago would have ran out the room from a confession like this, but you just cannot. you look at your yeosang sitting on the floor, waiting for you to speak. he has not moved ever since you have, has not attempted to stop you from going anywhere. you’ve even tested it, taking a slight step back. still, not a muscle twitches.

there are several conclusions you can come to, but one is certain - yeosang at least believes that he’s a vampire. and that should utterly terrify you. but he is still your yeosang, even if he indulges in blood once in a while. and he just chopped off his hand.

for fucks sake, are you that desperate for human connection that you'll hang around a blood drinker?

are you mad?

  “y/n?” he interrupts the quiet. “you can leave if you want to. i won’t stop you if this is too much.”

that’s your yeosang, ever so caring, ever so thoughtful.

“you’re not lying?” you ask again. “you’re a vampire?”

“yes.”

“a good one?”

his lip twitches, “that's subjective, but i try to be.”

“why are you telling me now?”

he looks away from you for the first time tonight, gaze out the windows. you haven’t had the chance to look around his place because you’ve been too stuck in your sorrow, but it is him. a penthouse, but him. the city looks into the apartment as he begins.

“after seeing you so destroyed tonight, i couldn’t let myself go another day without saying it. i should have told you so long ago, but i didn’t know how involved we’d be. i thought it would be a short time we’d see each other. but i enjoy being around you. there has not gone a day since we’ve met each other at that bar that i haven’t thought of you. and it is utterly terrifying. so hiding this secret from you… i could no longer do it. i needed to know that you were not scared of me before continuing to be around you.”

“how do you know i’m not afraid?”

his smile is small, not reaching his eyes. “i have seen true terror in my lifetime, y/n. i know it when i see it.”

“if i decided i didn’t want to be this with you? what then?”

“it would be hard, but i would let you go, y/n. you’re not trapped here, you’ll never be,” he rubs his face. “do you hear me, truly? you can leave now and never come back, and that would be the end of us.”

you don’t want this to end. in fact, the mere thought of never seeing yeosang again makes you ill. you care too much for him to just go, even with information like this. so, he’s a vampire. he drinks blood. there could be worse things, no?

you cannot even believe your own thoughts.

“this is fine,” you say aloud, nodding slowly. you think back to when you were outside of the store, when that older man began to bother you. you look at yeosang. he came within seconds of that happening, barely a minute passed. it wasn’t him who helped you, was it?

“did you hurt that old man?”

yeosang stares at you, eyes flicking between the two of yours. “no.”

“are you lying?”

“i did not hurt him, y/n. i grabbed him, yes, and pulled him away from you. i told him to never touch you again, to never touch anyone else again, or else i would hurt him,” he looks down at his hands. “i wanted to kill him, if you were going to ask that next. i wanted to very badly, but i didn’t. you needed me, and i couldn’t let anyone distract me from that.”

you believe him. despite the strange circumstances, you do. you take a step closer to him, his movements frozen. your hand reaches for his, the obvious cool temperature of his making more sense now. “thank you.”

he lifts your hand, lips pressing against the surface. “you’re welcome.”

-

things changed after that.

neither you nor yeosang bring up anything that occurred that night. he does not press you about san and you don’t bring it up at all. things have progressed slightly. his tenderness is never ending; hands caressing the soft skin of your hips, lips brushing against your neck and collarbone. there’s a bit of excitement when he does that as well – knowing his true nature. he hasn’t hinted that he wants to feed off of you. you know it is due to your fear, deep down. he drinks from blood bags stored in his freezer, heating them up in the microwave. he avoids you entirely as he does so, brushing his teeth and washing himself before settling in the same room with you again. you’ve told him he didn’t need to do anything like that, that you care for him as he is, but he confessed that it’s difficult for him to be around you after drinking, bloodlust at the surface. and he’d rather you not see him that way.

“alarmingly disturbing,” he notes, nose wrinkling at the movie poster. you merely roll your eyes, passing him his small cup of soda as you walk through the outdoor mall.

“i’m sure i saw you cry at the end.”

his eyes widen, “i cannot cry, you know that well.”

“yeah yeah.”

you insisted on him going with you after his confession that he’s never entered a theater. it is magical to be with someone when they’re doing something they’ve never done before. his soft eyes widening at the large screen, words mumbled into your ear at certain scenes. his hand still hasn’t left yours after it ended.

his fingers tighten around yours as he points at the decorations, “it’s the middle of january and yet the decor is still up from the holidays. i never celebrated much but,” he takes a sip of his soda. “it is heartwarming.”

“remind you of the movie?” you grin, and he only frowns. you laugh, nudging him slightly. “it was a pretty somber ending, i know.”

“they both followed different paths, but they met each other again. i…” he sighs. “i know it’s supposed to reflect a realistic path, but they could have been together. they both wanted it.”

“some things don’t work out even if they do want each other.”

his gaze slides to yours, and your smile slips slightly, already suspecting where his thoughts lie. you look away from him, “don’t give me that look.”

“what look?” his voice is smaller this time.

“you know what look i’m talking about.”

“y/n…”

“i can’t, not right now.”

“i’m not pushing you to say anything, you know that.”

“i know.”

“but i want you to settle your feelings. it’s not good to keep it all inside of you,” he stops walking, straw away from his mouth. his brows furrowed in concentration, thinking. “i cannot believe i’m about to say this.”

“yeosang…”

his fingers loosen slightly, but he does not let go. “i fear that my love for you is much more than what should be allowed,” his eyes are moist, unable to leave yours. “surrendering myself to you is a choice i have made, but it is quite mad, is it not? committing my heart to you without knowing what you feel about me. i know you like me, i know that. you wouldn’t let me be around you otherwise. i have now trusted you with my secret, with all of these things, and not once have i felt fearful of you telling someone. the only fear i've felt is losing you.” he shakes his head slowly. “you are a human. i have fallen for a human. a human who is heartbroken over a love that she has lost. i know this, and i stand here telling you that i love you. is it not stupid?”

it is not a question for you to answer, rhetorical even, but you decide to respond. “it’s a bit stupid.”

he laughs dryly. “it is.”

“but you have done it anyway. it’s stupid, but maybe even idiotic,” you go on, his expression worsening at your words. “you know what is even more stupid? me, watching you struggle to confess in front of me and not admitting that i feel the same way for you.” his eyes widened. you swallow slowly, blinking slowly. “we shouldn’t love each other this way, yeosang. not after that night, not after me breaking down from hearing seonghwa’s name.”

“we shouldn’t, love.”

“but we do anyway,” you smile. “stupid.”

“completely.”

his gaze settles on yours, before flicking down to your lips. your breath hitches at the glance, until he looks away. “i must warm up the car before you enter, i can be back quickly,” just as he is about to step away from you, you grab his arm. he does not move, even as you move closer.

“can we…”

his body trembles at your hand against the skin of his neck. “y/n…”

“it will be quick.”

his resolve is breaking the longer he looks down at you. his hand reaches up, pulling your face closer to his. "i would love to, y/n. but your heart still belongs to him, even if it’s small," he whispers, a breath away from your lips. he feels how your breath hitches, how your hold on him loosens. he would have pulled away but he knows you need this. knows you need to hear what he has to say. "i know you're still in love with him, y/n. pushing it deeper and deeper will only make it worse when you see him again. don't pretend in front of me, please."

you move your face away, eyes moving to his. you expected hurt, anger, sorrow. regret, even. but nothing like that meets your gaze. empathy. brows furrowed, lips parted. his thumb brushes against your cheek, wiping away a tear that falls.

oh, you're crying.

you touch your cheek, swallowing slowly. "i thought it would go away."

"if only that were so easy," his face relaxes. "you have to go see him again."

"i can't do that."

"he's your best friend."

"was," you correct once more. "he was my best friend. then i pushed him away because i was afraid. i let my phone ring until i blocked his number because he wouldn't stop calling. i let him move on, yeosang. i let him go."

he presses his forehead against yours. you welcome the cool temperature of his skin, shivering slightly. "that's not letting him go. that's removing him from your life with force. he never wanted to leave your side."

"you don't know anything."

"i've seen seonghwa, pretty."

you still. “what?”

"i saw him not too long after meeting you. he was broken," he admits. you've known him long enough to tell when he's choosing his words carefully. for your benefit. "he was with a friend crying at the bar. weeping. his body shook. i didn't know who he was at the time, but it looked as if he was struck by grief. i planned on walking over to confront him, perhaps take away some of his burden, but then i heard your name slip from his lips. i've lived long enough not to believe in coincidences. he was sobbing your name. a man sobbing another's name with such raw emotion could not be angry with you. he was mourning the relationship the two of you had. i know i may be overstepping, but please see him. just one time, speak to him. i need you to."

no.

san saying his name in front of you tonight was enough to stun you. seeing seonghwa again… you cannot.

you won’t.

“no.”

his hand leaves your face. he presses a light kiss to your temple, your eyelids fluttering at the contact. in typical yeosang fashion, he says, “okay, pretty.” he makes sure you’re looking at him when he smiles, squeezing your hand as he pulls you along with him. his humming fills the silence as you walk, as if nothing happened.

you cannot help yourself.

“yeosang, you’re not upset? about any of this?”

"why would i be?” his brow raises.

you’re not sure how to answer that.

he continues, “i am yours, y/n. that is why i am so persistent on you seeing him. i don't want you to live in regret being with me when the man you also love is not too far away."

"i don't want to leave you." and it's true. you've spent the last few months with him, by his side. having him ripped away would only make your mental condition worsen. yes, you shouldn't depend on another's presence for comfort so deeply and you're learning slowly not to, but leaving him now will only make it worse. you love him without ever uttering the words. you love him more than you can describe. "i can't leave you."

"listen to my words carefully, love," he stops moving, looking up at you. "i am not leaving you. i will never dream of it. i am in love with you, y/n. i've never said it before tonight i know, but i am. and i do not plan on ever leaving your side unless you want me to, understand? so i don't mind, if something happens between you and seonghwa, i don't mind it."

“nothing is going to happen.”

he nods slowly, “alright. shall we go?” he gestures to the guards in front of you, the sounds of stores dropping their gates and locking their doors. “we’ll discuss this more at a later time. i can make you something when we get back.”

-

that night is the last time he has ever pushed you, though slightly, into confessing your feelings to seonghwa, and your apology. hongjoong is elated when you tell him of your new relationship status, though you could see the slight worry dwelling as well. he knows as well as yeosang how badly your heart is hurt. you trust yeosang not to hurt you - he has never done anything remotely close to battering it. but that’s not what they’re both worried about.

his words linger. the two of you flourish in your relationship, though he has never once let his lips touch yours. you’re not sure if it’s his gentle nature or if he does not want to touch you that way until you’ve settled your feelings, but it does sting a bit. each time you initiate he turns his cheek for your touch to be placed there.

the intimacy avoidance just continues to grow.

after one of his after-feeding showers, you sit at his counter. head resting on your folded hands, watching the world just outside this apartment. too consumed in your own thoughts. you don’t bother leaning into his touch when his lips kiss the back of your neck. thumb rubbing the back of your arm. you don’t flinch at all, that in itself is concerning enough for yeosang to stop at the fridge.

“y/n? are you alright?”

“fine.”

he closes the fridge, moving around the counter to stand in front of you. he wears a loose graphic tee you’ve gifted him, his sweatpants that you wore that night covering his legs. his head tilts. you’ve always found that habit of his endearing, but right now you’re too annoyed and frustrated to have it affect you. his frown deepens when you don’t meet his eyes.

“pretty girl.”

those words almost get you. you close your eyes now, moving your head to rest on your hands instead, face hidden. “fine, yeo.”

the guilt of this situation begins to riddle within you. there is no obligation for him to do anything with you and you’d never force the situation, but your own desires are sitting at the surface. yeosang walks around the table, his hand brushing over your skin, draping himself over your hunched over body, it’s comforting, his sweet scent wrapping around you. you feel the brush of his nose against the back of your ear, breath tickling your skin. you tense.

yeosang stops, though he does not let you go. “you’re upset with me?”

“i’m not.”

“i can’t read your mind, but i can tell when something’s up, y/n. did i do something?”

“yeosang,” you sigh, body trembling when you feel the brush of his lips on your earlobe. unable to take the closeness without your mind wandering elsewhere, your chair slides harshly against the tiles. you stand up and move away from him, fists tucked to your sides. his brow furrows as he looks at you, head tilting. “i can’t concentrate when you’re that close.”

“okay, that's fine. but we can’t move forward if you don’t tell me what’s upsetting you,” he takes the spot you were once in, sitting on the edge of the stool. his legs are apart, fabric tight against his thighs. leaving nothing to the imagination.

oh how your suffering continues.

“are we moving too fast?” he asks after a moment. “should we take a moment to think this through?”

“no!” your voice is louder than you’d like, the teasing of a grin on his lips. “no, we don’t need to go slower than we already are.” you stop, sighing. “i don’t know how to say it.”

“you want me,” he says simply, taking a sip of your water. “since you said ‘slower than we already are’, you want us to take a larger step in our relationship. am i correct?”

flustered at his quickness, you nod. he hums, thumb rubbing the condensation of the small glass cup. your gaze follows his movements, room temperature increasing by the second. you only look away when yeosang speaks up again.

“it’s not like i don’t want you, pretty,” he places the glass on the countertop, looking at you. “do you know how difficult it is for me to not touch you? i am a predator, my smell is heightened. everytime i’m in a room with you all i smell is you, all i want is you,” he says simply, laughing at the expression forming on your face. “it’s not all i think about, but it’s very prominent in my mind.”

“then what’s wrong?”

his smile wavers, “you know what’s wrong, pretty girl. i said it when we confessed to each other. i need you to speak to him again.”

“yeosang, i told you how i felt.”

“i know, and i accepted your choice. but i just,” a long exhale escapes his lips. “i want you so badly, so desperately, but i cannot move forward until you settle your own feelings with seonghwa. i don’t want you to think i’m forcing you to do anything because that’s not my intention at all. i’m sorry if the thought crossed your mind about me not wanting you sexually because i truly do. but you’re not fully here with me, y/n. and i fear you never will be unless you see him again. i don't want you to live with the regret of what could have been.”

you hate it. you hate that you want to accuse him of manipulating you into a conversation with seonghwa, though he is not forcing it upon you. you thought you could hide your feelings, thought that with time, you would no longer think of him because you have the man in front of you. but you have. you haven’t stopped thinking of him since you ran into san. it is like he’s embedded himself in your brain. you thought you’d be okay enough to move forward with yeosang, love him with everything you have, but you can’t. he’s right. it wouldn’t be fair to him if you let this feeling continue.

yeosang lets his words settle within you.

“okay.”

“okay?” his brow raises.

“i think i’m ready to talk to him.”

he looks at your eyes, nodding slowly. “it will be good for you.”

the question still lingers, though; what’ll be the outcome? what if seonghwa breaks you - what if he repairs you? what if at that moment, you forget about yeosang, forget about all of this? you can’t do that to him. you love him more than you can describe, but feelings can change in a moment.

“y/n.”

you’re not sure when he stood up, coming closer to you. he holds your head in his hands, eyes flicking between yours. “i love you too dearly for me to be upset if you left me for him.”

“how did you…”

oh. you definitely said that all out loud.

“i don’t want anything to happen,” you whisper. “something could happen.”

“it may. but i myself, i am not…” he thinks for a moment. “i wouldn’t mind opening this relationship for you, if your feelings match one another's.”

now this is something the both of you have never discussed. he picks up on the alarm in your expression, continuing. “i never really desired anyone like this before. i’ve fucked, yes, but relationships didn’t really happen for me. that is something i’ve glossed over a bit in the past,” he looks away. “my relationships consisted of me only having sex with another, but not really a partnership. nothing that i would consider to be a full blown relationship. but with you, i wouldn’t mind sharing you. you are too wonderful for me to ever deny your desires for humans. there are some things that i’ll never be able to give you,” his hand brushes against your cheek. “like warmth. and someone to grow old with, a child. i will remain this age and you won't.”

that thought lingered in your mind as you've spent time with him. being a vampire isn't something you want for yourself, even if you love yeosang dearly. you're not even sure how that process works because you didn't desire it so you never asked. but opening your relationship? you never thought about being polyamorous.

“this is confusing,” you murmur. he presses a kiss to your forehead. “i don't know yeosang, this is a lot to take in.”

“it is,” he agrees. “i'm here for you if there are any questions.”

the conversation turns away from seonghwa a bit as you have an open conversation with one another. yeosang explains how he does not really have a label for himself, living his immortal life with eyes open. you yourself have attraction to all sorts of people, fitting for how yeosang views himself. it is odd that though you two haven't spoken about it, you're so similar. he also explains that he does not see himself seeing anyone but you in your lifetime, and insists that he tell you if something changed. you aren't quite sure how you'll handle the seonghwa feelings, if he even considered your own after all this time. yeosang only assures you that whatever you decide he will accept, whether it be a polyamorous relationship, monogamous with either him or yeosang, or nothing at all. his acceptance is astonishing, but he only explains that his long life has told him not to worry about small things like this.

if only you could say the same.

yeosang does not make any sort of move towards you, holding you close as you sleep in his bed. the long day brings exhaustion to settle on your shoulders. soon enough, in the cool embrace of yeosang, you fall asleep.

—

the cold chill seeps into your wool coat. yeosang insisted that you wear your thickened sweater while you were out and about, but you ignored his worried gaze and told him you'd be back soon enough. but now that you stand outside the café, hands tucked into your pockets as you wait for it to open, you regret ever not listening to his advice. you can imagine him now, soft lips protruding from their usual small smile, nose flared and brows tight with concern. the mental image only makes your own lips lift.

“he was right about the temperature,” hongjoong's eyes peer between the thickened cotton scarf wrapped around his neck and forehead. he's covered completely from head to toe in clothing his partner made for him, rosy nose the only sliver of skin shown. it's endearing to see him loved this dearly, knowing that he's sought out someone for much longer than you have. he digs into his pocket, handing you his spare mittens and a heat packet. you thank him, slipping your hands into the soft material.

“think it's an immortal thing to predict the temperature?” he asks, whining when you lightly hit his calf with his boot. “what!”

“i told you not to speak of it in public,” you discussed it with yeosang about telling your best friend. he was a bit hesitant at first, but agreed. hongjoong believed it much easier than you had, nodding in content and murmuring something about yeosang being a bit too beautiful and kind for a human. it was ridiculous reasoning at the time, but you were glad he believed you. hiding it from him would have weighted on your mind.

“I barely said anything,” he shoots you a glare. “but seriously, you should have grabbed a scarf.”

“i didn't think they'd be closed at 8am on a saturday!”

“you should have checked,” hongjoong whines, stepping closer to you. he pulls you into his side, arm wrapped around your shoulder. it’s not enough to subside the freezing temperatures, but you find it endearing nonetheless. “i used to hate it when customers waited outside just before opening. started off my day wrong.”

“we can walk around or something,” you murmur, and he laughs, nudging you slightly.

“it’ll be fine, we’re not staying long anyway.” he looks around, his laugh disappearing swiftly. you look over your shoulder to see what's caught his attention, but he turns your body away, forcing you to look the opposite direction.

“joong, what the hell?”

“it's seonghwa.”

your throat tightens up. seonghwa? he's here? fear begins to climb in you. you haven't readied yourself to approach him. it was going to happen soon, but not now. not early morning, body shivering from the brisk air. not when you're still afraid to speak to him. hongjoong moves you further away from the store. you would thank him if you could.

“hongjoong?”

seonghwa's sweet voice carries through the air. hongjoong hesitates, looking at you. he does not say a word, but his eyes tell it all. should i ignore him? should i let you go and i speak to him alone? they're still friends, that you know. you encouraged hongjoong to stay friends with him, your hurt was never his. but now, here you stand. you can either face it, deal with it, or run away again. no one would scold you for it, protecting your feelings. but how much longer can you run?

you shake your head at his questioning eyes. he settles on you for another moment, before turning around. you follow his lead.

seonghwa is as beautiful as he always is. beanie pulled over his head and covering his ears, black hair barely peeking from beneath. glasses likely tucked away in his bag. he matches the gloomy morning, long navy coat, black boots. the slight flush of his cheeks due to the low temperature. he smiles, and your heart races. his gaze moves from hongjoong’s, shifting to you.

his eyes widen, flicking over your face. eyes, nose, lips, hat, body, eyes again. his lips part, a sigh leaving them. his brows furrow, hand clenching, then relaxing. you've seen this happen before. that day on the roof, the last time you saw him. the look in his eyes is different though. it is not filled with hurt. confusion, worry.

you’re not sure what emotion has settled in his gaze.

“birdie…?” his voice cracks, looking at hongjoong briefly. how that nickname almost breaks you completely.

“hwa,” your lips tremble, but you force them to smile anyway. “hi.”

“hey,” he drags the word, blinking quickly. “hi.”

“the café is open, i'll grab a few coffees,” hongjoong looks around seonghwa. “be right back, alright?” be looks between the both of you, before leaving. the air only thickens as you two stand here alone. your rub your fingers on the hot pack in your gloves, gaze on the ground.

“i didn't think i'd ever see you again,” he admits. “it's been a long time.”

“it really has,” you agree. awkward. you were never this awkward with him. the two of you walk around the issue, the uneasiness only growing. “i–”

“i'm–”

you speak simultaneously. his cheeks darken. “you can go first.”

“no, you. i’ve said plenty since we last spoke, didn't i?”

a smile appears, though it doesn't reach his eyes. another cloud leaves his lips as he sighs, hand tugging on the loose strap of his bag. “did i fuck up back then? did i hurt you so badly that you didn't want to deal with me anymore, birdie? is that why you wanted to leave me alone?”

how easily he lets the nickname roll off his tongue. as if it hasn’t been over half a year since you’ve seen each other. as if you didn’t remove him from your life. but no. you didn’t want to leave him. you never did.

you shake your head, “never. i couldn't handle it all, i couldn't handle the way you were looking at me. it was a lot.”

“how did i look at you?”

“like you pitied me. like you were about to tell me how you felt, and i,” you weren't ready to hear his rejection. “i was scared. i didn't think that my feelings for you would be told that way. i wasn't ready for it.”

“so you then decided that it was best that you never deal with it at all?” he frowns, brows furrowing. “you didn't let us talk it out, and you ran from me. you didn't let me say anything else.”

“i messed up. i was too insecure to hear what you had to say.”

“want to go to the park for a bit?” he gestures behind the two of you. you take out your phone, sending hongjoong a quick message that you’ll be gone for a while. he sends a thumbs up back. likely aware that this was going to happen anyway.

you two walk next to each other, your hands tucked in your pockets, rubbing the heat pack. seonghwa glances at you, worry about his features. he does not say it, probably due to the situation, but you can tell it’s at the tip of his tongue.

“you look cold.”

oh, so he does say it.

“i thought we’d be out here for a few minutes,” you admit. seonghwa’s lips lift slightly.

“you are always underprepared.”

“i really am,” you shake your head. you should have grabbed that coat like yeosang asked. the two of you walk a bit further, finally arriving at the park. it’s a place the two of you have spent plenty of time at on breaks or excursions, from children to adults. seonghwa wipes off the seat of a swing, gesturing for you to sit. you do, thanking him as he takes the spot next to you. the sun is peeking above the clouds now, temperature rising slowly.

"i didn't know how i felt until you were gone, birdie," his hands are wrapped around the chains of the swing, eyes glued to the snow beneath your feet. seonghwa always radiated confidence, sureness. it was rare that you've ever seen him so vulnerable. so afraid. it makes your heart ache knowing that though it was not entirely your fault, you cause some of his anxiousness. "i was too forward when we spoke about it. overwhelmed, i think. i was so heartbroken over san that i didn't take your feelings into consideration. i let my thoughts get to me. i made you close up, i made you run. and i can tell you're about to interrupt me but just let me say this okay birdie? give me this one thing."

you nod, holding back your words.

"i fucked up when i confronted you. you were right when i didn't want you to be. i let myself get lost in the attention of the guy that i liked. but i think, no, i know that losing you made me see what i've really lost. i lost my best friend, and the one person in this world that has been by me my whole life. i was blind, i think. wait, is that right to say?" He curses himself, taking another breath. "for fucks sake, i thought id practiced this enough to say it right but it just doesn't make sense."

he peeks through his covered face, eyes softening when they meet yours. "i'm in love with you, birdie."

you shake your head, blinking quickly. "you're–"

"i'm not letting you do that," he interrupts with swiftness. "i'm not letting you say that my feelings aren't real when i know they are. it's been months of me thinking about it. this isn't some sudden epiphany. you're not a rebound to me. i wouldn't do that to you, i care too much to even consider that. not that you have to accept my feelings," he adds in. "you can tell me to fuck off and i’ll do it. a little teary-eyed, but i’d still do it."

“seonghwa.”

“i just,” he swallows, “if you don’t want anything like that with me, it’s okay. i just can’t lose you again. it’ll take time, but i’ll move on if you don’t want me that way. we can still be best friends. or at least something. i just… i can’t lose you again.”

yeosang's declaration repeats in your head over and over as you decide how to respond. your heart and head are fighting one another. there's no doubt in your love for yeosang, not even slightly. and he was right – you still love seonghwa no matter how many times you try to push the feelings away. him confessing this to you now, how does that make you feel? and how will he react once you tell him about your partner now? not taking the leap now when you're so deep into it all will only lead to regret later. and you've done enough of that the past few months to last a lifetime.

"i’m still in love with you, seonghwa," you whisper. "i thought i would get over it but i haven't. it scared me how attached i am to you, especially after a while. maybe the years have caught up to me, i’m not sure. but i still love you."

he opens his mouth to speak but you hold out your hand, stopping him. "i can't continue this conversation though, without telling you."

his brows furrow. "tell me what?"

"during our time apart i met someone, hwa," you look at him, his face crumbling immediately at the information. "i met him and i fell in love with him. and i know it hasn't been that long but it's serious. i can't imagine my life without him now."

he nods slowly, "it was presumptuous of me to think you just stayed stagnant this whole time. im sorry–"

"wait, seonghwa. yeosang and i, well, he told me to come to you. he knows how i feel about you and thought i should see you in person again to figure things out. and he is so considerate of me and my feelings, as well as your own. i don't know how to say this," you swallow, closing your eyes as you say the next words. "he knows i’m in love with you and encouraged me to pursue you while still being in a relationship with him. he doesn't mind me loving you and him at the same time. do you understand what i’m saying, hwa?"

he nods slowly, "...yes."

"and as you just said, i don't want to be presumptuous and think that you would be okay with it because it's a lot for someone to consider. it was a lot for me to even think about because i would never want to hurt either of you. if we were to decide that we would like to continue on in a romantic sense, i’ll still be dating yeosang while we're together. and vice versa. i want you to think about what i said to you and consider it before anything else is said, okay?"

"what i decide?" he repeats.

"yes. and then we will take it from there, whatever you decide seonghwa. but i just want to let you know that i love yeosang too much to leave him, if your thoughts start moving in that direction. i'll never break his heart."

“i understand,” he says simply. he digs into his pocket, glancing down at his phone. “your phone number? it’s still the same?”

you nod, and he mimics the movement. he stands up from the swing, tucking his hands back into his pockets. “okay. i, just give me a few days, y/n? just some time to figure this all out.”

“that’s fine,” you smile, and he smiles back. you stand up from the swing and without another word he pulls you into him, hands wrapping around your torso. his body is trembling as you hold him back, his face tucked into the curve of your shoulder. as quick as he holds you he lets go, giving you one last look before leaving the park.

-

seonghwa doesn’t call for over two weeks.

it worries you - he did tell you that he’d contact you soon. it hurt that there isn’t as much of a greeting sent to you, but it makes sense. you confessed to him that you were in love with someone else and said that your partner was okay with it. that could confuse anyone. so despite the circumstances you hold out hope. yeosang comforted you once you told him what happened - made you your favorite soup and desserts. it was a lot when you arrived at his apartment. not on the brink of a breakdown like before, but it took a lot out of you to suddenly have him in front of you. to confront those feelings head on without preparation.

you're resting your head on yeosang's thigh when he messages you. it's pretty simple, just a few words.

hwa: can we meet up? with your partner too.

you look up at yeosang and he's already looking down at you. his focus turns to your phone when you show it to him, brow lifting. “both of us? think he's considering it?”

“maybe,” you look at the message, hovering over the text box. “he could just be letting us know that he doesn't want anything like that.”

“he could do that without me,” yeosang points out. “there wouldn't be any reason for me to come.”

“right,” you sigh. “why am i scared to message him back? are you okay with this, yeosang? seriously okay with all of this?”

“my love,” his hand resting on the side of your face, tilting it ever so slightly. enough for your eyes to settle on his. his thumb slowly strokes your skin. “in what ways could i convince you that i am all for you? that there is next to nothing that would make me change my mind about this? you are my happiness. i have never been more okay.”

you lean into his touch, “you always know what to say.” you open the conversation, texting back.

you: i'm available and he is as well. lmk ♡

hwa: friday? joong told me you didn't work that day and either do i. if yeosang is available too.

you look up at him, and he nods.

you: yep yep, i'll see you. at the old café, right?

hwa: the only place birdie ♡

“done?” yeosang asks, finger still stroking your cheek. you nod, and he hums again, moving off the couch. he moves your head softly to the cushions where he just sat, walking over to the fridge. you never open it, watching as he grabs a blood bag.

yeosang is careful as he opens it. grabbing scissors specifically for this task, sliding it against the plastic. his hands move slow as he pours it into the small container. you never bother him as he does this, pupils dilated, locked in his own world. he never told you to not speak to him, but it felt like you couldn't interrupt the routine of his. he is already on edge whenever he does so.

you flick through the channels, until a loud splat pulls you from your surfing. you stand without thinking twice, running over to the kitchen. red covers the floor tiles, splattered against the fridge and covering the legs of the table. the harsh smell of blood fills your noise as you step back, running to the closet to grab his mop. yeosang grabs a paper towel when you come back with the device. just as you're about to help wipe it up he grabs the pole of it, stopping you in your spot.

“it's blood,” he whispers, eyes closed. “my pretty girl, would you mind going back into the living room?” his words are strained as he says it.

“yeosang-”

“now,” his eyes open, shifting to look at you. you’ve never seen his gaze look so odd. the wood cracks beneath his hold, his nose flared. you waste no time, grabbing your bag off the chair and running towards the exit. yeosang does not stop you, though you are sure he hears your frantic panting as you slip on your shoes, grabbing your coat before running out the apartment. leaving him alone to deal with the mess.

—

it's monday.

three days since you left yeosang alone.

you were petrified.

seeing yeosang that way, almost animalistic as he held himself from doing anything more – any reasonable person would be afraid, right? anyone would run from the situation entirely, not let it escalate further. this is not like a movie, you won't survive because of his adoration for you. you did not see his eyes because he hid them from you. but it wasn't a wild guess. he wasn't himself at that moment.

or, he was. it's just not something you've experienced yourself.

none of this is okay.

as you stare at your phone, his name appearing across the screen, a small heart next to his initials, your own aches. it isn't his fault, what happened. he did what he needed to do. you trusted him enough to control himself. to hold himself back from his own thoughts as the blood filled his nose. but right then, you weren't too sure. you were scared of yeosang.

admitting it only makes you feel worse.

you open his messages, several sent over the past few days.

i’m sorry.

i shouldn't feed when you're around, i made a mistake.

please answer my calls, dearest. please let me explain it to you.

i am afraid that you're afraid of me now.

i love you.

it hurts, reading them over and over. you haven't mustered the courage to listen to the voice-mails. you know yourself. you'd take off running to his apartment, not caring about your own feelings, soothing his own. it'll only lead to something like this happening again. and you're not sure you'll be able to accept the second time. or live, frankly.

“fuck you,” you murmur at yourself, holding your forehead in your hand. “call him, y/n. call him and let him speak to you.”

despite the words said aloud, despite the way your thumb hovers over the dial button, you close it completely. you grab your bag and bus card, locking the doors of your apartment.

you haven't told hongjoong what happened. he'd make sense, he'd tell you that if you're afraid now at something like blood spilling, it'd only get worse. you'll find yourself in a situation you wouldn't want. and he'd be right, partially. you will find yourself again, around him when an incident occurs. and you'll have to decide again, if you trust him enough to stay with him.

you step onto the bus, sending the driver a small smile as you scan your pass, sitting down.

yeosang explained to you simply at the time, to stay away from him when things like this happen. at that moment you weren't thinking, your over helpful nature taking over. it was your fuck up approaching him like that. but there will be times it will happen and he wouldn't be able to tell you to go away.

what then?

—

the door swings open before you get the chance to knock.

yeosang stands there. his clothing is barely on his figure, loosely thrown against his body haphazardly, barely leaving anything to throw imagination. blonde locks every which way, likely due to him running his fingers through it again and again. if it were possible for him to have eyebags you would have seen them, usually brown eyes slightly lighter in color. his eyes flick over you, his hand pulling the door open farther.

“my friend is over,” yeosang's voice is hoarse, blinking slowly. “i smelled you when you entered the building, but he didn't leave quickly enough. he'll be out of here soon.”

you hesitant to enter, already filled with anxiety from this encounter. yeosang's face breaks at the fear in your expression. there is nothing you can do to hide it – open book as always.

“his name is wooyoung, he's a vampire. he's a bit younger than i,” yeosang glances behind him. “but i trust him. he is one of few that i do.”

you trust yeosang. you do, aside from the fear. you nod simply, taking off your shoes and entering.

you spot the vampire packing up his things. he does not turn around as he does so, shoving items into his duffle bag. his appearance closely resembles yeosang's in stature, though he is a bit leaner, a black head of hair. he zips up the bag, throwing the strap on his shoulder as he turns. his beauty is not shocking from what you've experienced with yeosang. moles decorate his skin, slightly tan. his head tilts, eyes traveling over you.

it is not in appreciation.

“you are the human that frazzled yeosang,” his smile is bright and wide, though the warm greeting does not reach his eyes. “interesting that you are quite unremarkable.”

“another word of offense and i'll kill you myself,” yeosang murmurs, eyeing him from his spot near you. “leave, now.”

wooyoung rolls his eyes. “fine. but remember my words, hyung. i'll be around town for a while if you need me. goodbye, human girl. make sure to keep your window locked,” he steps past you, door slamming once he exits his apartment.

the air is solemn between the two of you. you don't blame his friend for insulting you, in fact, you'd probably do the same if places switched. but still, it did sting. quite painfully. you sit where his bag just was, looking down at your hands. it has never been awkward with him. you were able to solve simple arguments with ease this whole time. communication has never been your strong suit, but his ease of speaking helped you gain the confidence to speak up for yourself. though now, it seems as if all the progress has faltered.

“i should have warned you how i am when my mind shifts,” yeosang says softly. you watch as he sits at the kitchen island. he hasn’t looked away from you despite your hesitance to look at him in the eyes. “it was my fault that you ran away.”

“i should have left you alone. i slipped up.”

“you don’t have to blame yourself for this, y/n,” he shakes his head. “i haven’t been around humans this closely. i forget that you aren’t used to how i am when i’m hungry. i could have hurt you if you took my words for granted. i am thankful you listened when you did,” he admits, looking away. “i can control myself well, but i didn’t expect that scent to hit me so strongly. i messed up, you didn’t. you did the right thing.”

“i ignored you for days because i was scared. of you, of what you are,” you hate saying these words to him. you hate that you have to explain how you feel about it. but there’s no other way to continue if you don’t tell him. “it took me some time to let those feelings settle before i had the courage to even appear in front of you. your friend, wooyoung,” his eyes twitch at the name, but you continue. “i can tell he doesn’t like me. it makes sense, since i’ve ignored you for so long now. i’m sorry.”

“you don’t need to apologize, y/n.”

“but i want to. i want to because i can’t lose you, yeosang. i let myself dwell in my emotions again without telling you. i ran away from the problem instead of confronting it,” it is not something you’ve moved on from. “i did it again.”

“i would have went over to your home eventually,” he admits, a sly smile on his lips. “warning you beforehand, of course. but i was never going to let you slip away without an explanation. i know you care too much, and i know i care too much. neither of us would walk away from this without at least a few minutes of conversation exchanged. but,” he rubs the back of his neck. “are you still afraid of me? honesty, please.”

“i don’t know. right now, i’m okay with you being in the same room with me.”

“you haven’t looked at me since you’ve walked in, pretty girl.”

you look up from your hands. his brown eyes warm when they meet yours. you’re not afraid of this yeosang, of the sweet man in front of you. but you are somewhat scared of when he shifts into his feeding mindset. he stands, and you watch as he crouches in front of where you sit. yeosang brushes his fingers across your cheek, hands shaking, eyes flicking between yours rapidly. somewhere in your body is telling you that you should run away. But the look yeosang is giving you stops you from saying anything. he hesitates, touching the corner of your eyelid. Your eyes are moist, and you shiver under his grasp.

"how does it feel?" he asks softly.

"like I should push you away, like, like you're going to hurt me." you admit under your breath, eyes down. he leans, meeting your avoidance.

"i won't hurt you, pretty girl. i won't do anything to hurt you, please know that. do you trust me?"

you nod. he leans forward, eyes moving from yours to your lips. you clutch the chair underneath you, closing your eyes.

*are you scared of me?*

You're ripped from your thoughts, and you open your eyes. yeosang is centimeters away from your lips, his breath fanning your lips. you move one of your hands off from the chair, touching his chest. your fingers stretch out, feeling the smooth skin underneath them. you twist your fingers, trailing the curves of his muscle. your curiosity getting the best of you.

“y/n,” he breathes, chest rising and falling quickly. your mind is telling you to run, but you don't. not now. not after you're this close. you touch his adam's apple, and he gulps. he opens his eyes, their red gaze trained on yours. you stop, shocked at the change.

“i can't, i can't handle being this close to you without…” His words trail off, hands now on the back of your neck, playing with the small hairs. his hand seemed stuck in its place, not daring to move. “if you don't stop, i won't be able to stop myself from fucking you into the chair.”

you drop your hand from him, and he groans at the loss of contact, not moving. He lifts his free hand, touching your thigh. his hand travels up slowly, and you quiver, the warning signs gone within a moment. he stops at the zipper of your jeans. You close your thighs around his grasp, and his lips curve devilishly.

“do you want me to ?” he leans close, his lips brushing against the soft skin by your neck. he trails his tongue along the curve of your neck, biting lightly. “you taste so good.”

you lean into him, his lips moving up your neck, closer to yours. he smiles against your cheek, and you feel the corner of his lips touch yours. your grip on the chair tightens, almost impossibly so. he moves closer, their soft touch brushing against yours.

your eyes lock onto his, searching for any sign of doubt or hesitation. you know when he’s conflicted, the furrowed brows, the concerned gaze. often you could sense the conflict within him, the fear that something beyond his control might destroy the two of you. at that moment, none of it mattered.

“i want you to want me, y/n," his tone is desperate now, “please tell me you want me.”

his yearning hands in the air. your heart swells with a mix of emotions — desire, a bit of fear.

“i want you, yeosang.”

his lips smile against your skin, anticipation as his lips meet yours. his breaths are heavy, lip soft and cold. the chill sends a shiver down your body, but it is anything but discomfort. his tongue sliding against yours, cool temperature only making your body warm. his fingers hold the back of your neck, pulling you deeper into the kiss. soon enough. when your fingers reach up, tighten in his hair in response he grunts and deepens the kiss, spurred on by your initiative. the deeper, heavier kisses pull ragged breaths out of you, and he only stops when he senses your loss of breath.

"I need more," he confesses, his lips and breath flowing over the back of your neck. a hand slips from the back of your neck, his tongue pushes into your mouth, moving earnestly as his other hand unclasps your bra. you moan into his lips as it releases. his cool fingers move down your back slowly, tracing the curve of your spine. the shiver causes you to pull away from his kiss. “already sound so pretty,” he whispers. his other hand lets go of your neck, both sliding along the line of your body, soft grip settling at your hips. his lips are greedy against your skin, light licks and pecks left in his wake. your hands are wrapped around him, holding him close. your legs tremble as he presses you forward into the couch, hovering above you. you can feel as he leaves a mark just off your neck, your fingers flexing, nails gripping his skin as you try to keep yourself steady.

he lifts you easily off the couch, lips against your neck as he guides you into his room. though this is your first time inside, he does not give you a chance to look around, moving over to the futon and laying you down. yeosang barely breaks the kisses between you as he leans over you. his soft hands move over your exposed breasts, gasps escaping your lips. you cover your mouth with the back of your hand to repress the moan that rises up when he kisses your sensitive nipple. your body writhes beneath him as he speaks.

"hands on my shoulders," he says, trailing kisses from your lips to your ear. "keep them there please, pretty girl."

you nod, unable to hold his stare as his gaze stays on you, his hand slipping under the waistband of your sweatpants. your breaths are heavier as his fingers slip between your thighs. he’s hesitant at first, index finger dragging along the lining of your underwear. he watches you carefully as he pulls it to the side, a finger slipping over your clit. your hands tense and you let out a plea of surprise and pleasure, covering your mouth as your eyes go wide. his finger slowly rubs your clit, coaxing warm moans from your lips. his movements are erratic; slower, faster, one finger slipping inside, two.

you're shivering under him, "yeo…"

"let go, pretty," his voice is sweet, “look at me when you do.” your eyes focus on him as best they can. there's a pleased hum that comes from him, your fingers and toes flexing as the pleasure that's been building the last few minutes peaks.

"y/n," yeosang mumbles, his breath tickling your neck. his lips drag across your skin, your chest throbbing in anticipation. You place your hands on his chest, pushing slightly. Despite your heart whining at the loss of contact,

"i want more of you, y/n," he says softly, “and that is so terrifying.”

he sighs, and you stop talking. he pulls your hand, guiding you towards him and letting you fall on top of him. his back is against the bed, his blonde hair scattered across. you hold yourself up with both of your arms, hovering above him. he closes his eyes, his hands gripping your hips softly.

"this desire to please you, it consumes me. i want you to want me the same. But," his fingers slowly dances up your waist, tracing your skin, "you may not ever feel the same as I."

he rolls over, and this time, he cages you beneath him. his pupils dilate, and he looks down at his chest, "if you could only know how hard my heart would beat for you.”.

his shirt drops to the side, and you gasp, seeing the scars that cover his chest. against his skin, the ridges curve and meet each other at odd angles. many are faded over time, but you can see a small glimpse of them. yeosang doesn’t say anything, letting you take in his body. the hurt. you reach out, finger ever so lightly tracing a more prominent one. yeosang sucks in a breath but doesn’t move his eyes from yours. he lets you follow the path. your eyes swell with tears, and he brushes one that falls from your eye.

“please don’t cry,” he says softly, “all of it is from long ago, i’m okay now.” you shake your head, bringing your fingers away from him.

“it looks so painful, yeosang. i’m so sorry.”

yeosang leans down, brushing his lips against yours. he breathes in your gasps, stroking your cheek as your tears fall. your eyes flutter as his tongue slides along your lower lip. his lips move from yours, slowly dragging across your shoulder. despite just moments ago when his fingers were inside of you, you cannot help but let embarrassment sink in as he observes you.

“i cannot believe you’re here in front of me. staring at me, willingly letting me see you,” he’s holding his weight up on his knees to keep it from crushing you. “what have i done to deserve you? who knew that you would allow me to see you in such a vulnerable state?”

“i am just a human, yeosang.”

with that he smiles, hand trailing down the curve of your torso. “divinity would faint underneath your gaze.” he moves closer to you, and you feel his bulge straining against his sweats. if you look close enough, you can see a small wet stain coating the outside of the fabric. his lips continue their slow descent down your body, light pecks each time he lifts up slightly. his hands press firmly into your hips, his nails leaving small indents.

you hesitantly reach out, letting your fingers drag through his hair. he shivers at your touch, eyes darkening as he lets his tongue trail. you clench your thighs at his approach, and he whispers onto your skin. inaudible, you ask him to repeat himself once more.

“tell me if you want me to stop,” he says, finger dipping between your folds once before. It didn’t sound the same as before, but you couldn’t question him at the moment. your breath shakens, mind clouded with only him. he drags his middle finger slowly over your clit, enough to keep you on the edge, but not enough to arouse you further. you sigh in frustration.

you begin to stroke his cock, nails scraping against his skin lightly. he leans his head into the crook of your neck, sucking on your skin as your hand moves up and down his erection. yeosang stops your hand in place. he moves back away from you, kicking his slacks off his legs. you see the scars extend from his chest down his legs, and some disappearing onto his back. he sees the sadness in your eyes, and presses his lips between your brows.

“i’m okay,” he repeats, “i have you, pretty girl. i’m okay.” he wraps his arms around your torso, letting your heartbeat slow. he presses his lips to your forehead once more, before pushing you back down.

you look at him, the moonlight shining on his blonde hair, turning it into a more silver shade. he scared you before, an uneasy feeling each time you stood next to him. now, you couldn’t even remember how it felt.

yeosang looks down at his cock, his erection still prominent against his stomach. he looks back at you.

“you can still say no, and I will stop.”

he waits for your response patiently.

“i won’t say no,” you reply back, and he leans down. his cock presses against your cunt, slipping inside with a low pop. you moan, throwing your head to the side. the low moan that escapes his throat is otherworldly, his girth stretching you to your limits. every stroke to move further in has you gasping, his small whimpers barely heard over the sound of your wetness, his cool cock slipping through.

your hands reach out to touch his shoulders, and he leans closer to you, wrapping his arms around your torso. he holds you tight as his cock settles in you, his breaths shaky. you feel his hands wrap around your thighs and his body, forcing your cunt to pull him in deep. you widen your eyes as you feel his cock pulsate, almost shaking inside of you.

after you adjust to his size, he goes slow; long strokes moving in and out of your cunt at a leisurely pace.

yeosang pauses, “may i move faster?”

“please.”

he grins. he slams his cock into your cunt. you gasp, his strokes quick and deep. your muscles ache as he continues his relentless pace. fingers digging into his back, whimpers of pleasure falling from your lips.

“i love you.” you’re voice is barely above a whisper.

yeosang’s pace is already relentless, but when he hears those words fall from your lips, it’s like a switch flicked inside of him. he rears back, and slams. you squeeze tightly, and he rewards you with another slam, filling your whole completely. his pattern is erratic, moving quickly and dragging his cock along your cunt. it’s thick; you can feel every vein and lump that covers him.

the bed strains under his pace, forced away by the strength of his stroking. his lips press against your skin feverishly, his desperation to climax overwhelming. the quickness of his skin rubbing against yours, crotch smacking against you and grinding relentlessly will definitely have you sore in the morning.

yeosang pressing into you, your cunt pulsating as your nails tear the skin of his back. you yelp. the intense sensation of yeosang’s thrusts make you fall into your climax, your moans echoing around the room. your eyes flutter as he pulls you tight against him, and you feel his cock explode with cum strands hitting your walls.

you two sit there for a moment, until yeosang shifts, his body still hugging you but this time, laying on your side. his cock sits in you, slowly softening. he runs his fingers down your cheek, rubbing your skin softly. the temperature of his body pressing against yours is cool, your skin seeking his. he presses his lips to yours lightly.

"we should clean up before we sleep." you say into his skin, though unmoving.

"i'll take care of it." he says, covering you with a nearby blanket as he gets up.

-

he holds you closer to his body, breaths tickling the hairs on your neck. hours have passed, most filled with your combined sounds of pleasure. enough so that you’ve exhausted yourselves sheets in the washer, new ones beneath your freshly showered bodies. he didn’t leave you alone in there either - not that you wanted him to, of course. his stamina is endless, your flushed body against the wall as he pressed into you. the thought of it makes your body warm, legs wiggling slightly against his cool chest pressed against your back. his lips drag against your shoulder, soft kiss brushed against it.

“again?” he whispers. though you cannot see his face from this angle, you can hear the smile in his voice as he says the word.

your body aches at the thought. “yeosang, you’re insatiable.” you murmur, his arms wrapping around your center, pulling you closer into him.

“mm,” he agrees simply. “now that i’ve had you i’m not sure i can let you go that easily. and we have to christen my apartment.”

“that’s a bit blasphemous,” you snort, and he laughs. “what, i’m sure there’s at least a vampire afterlife of some sort.”

“unfortunately for me, pretty girl, if there is one, i doubt i will be experiencing it anytime soon.”

the conversation lulls after that, soft giggles and laughs filling the silence every few minutes or so. the anxiety of being around him before diminished into nothing. his chin rests on the top of your head, the rumbling of his throat as he hums vibrating against you.

“wooyoung wasn’t serious about what he said,” he says after a few minutes of silence. “he worries for me.”

“he should, he’s your friend.”

yeosang pauses for a moment, before continuing. “we were partners a long time ago.”

oh. a long time could mean so much more to him than to you, but you don’t dare interrupt, intrigued on what else he’s going to say.

“the last time it happened was about a little over a hundred years, give or take a few years. we’re well now, but in the beginning it was rough. we used each other for satisfaction every couple of decades. he came to my apartment today and mentioned our past,” yeosang’s fingers slightly tighten. “i told him i have you now. it didn’t upset him, but it did bewilder him. i’m not one to interact with humans the way that others do. i avoid your species completely, moreso out of fear of the unknown. i trust you, but i don’t trust any other human. i’ve only accepted you telling your friend because i have confidence in your decisions. if it were anyone else i’d vehemently deny it. but i digress - wooyoung will not bother you again. he may linger around my home every so often, but he’d never welcome himself into yours. we would need permission to enter, anyway.”

“do you still like him?” it is an awkward question to ask, but you’re curious. you don’t deny that yeosang has feelings for you, but you wonder if his feelings for wooyoung go beyond simply caring for a friend.

“not as you're thinking. i enjoy him being around as a friend. he brings out another side of me. but not as a partner or lover. i think we’ve grown past that part in our relationship. he seems to agree as well. and i do believe he has a partner of his own now.”

“so i have you to myself,” you grin. he cannot see it from the angle you’re resting, but he chuckles, body vibrating to the sound.

“was there ever any room for uncertainty?” he presses his lips against your hair, “are you reassuring yourself because of wooyoung, or our meeting with seonghwa coming up soon?”

how decipherable are your emotions?

“a bit of both. i want us to be okay before anything else is decided. bringing someone into a situation that isn’t stable would hurt us all. and seonghwa is my best friend,” you whisper, “i can’t hurt him again.”

“will you tell him about me?” he asks.

“i would have to if we’re all going to be in this. i can’t keep any secrets from him. and i’m sure he’ll figure it out almost immediately. he picks up on small things quickly.”

“you didn’t,” he teases.

“i just thought you were a freak,” you murmur, a gasp spilling from his lips. “nothing wrong with that!”

“and yet you stayed,” he points out.

you turn around, his hold loosening as you do so. your body faces him, hand reaching up, tracing the lining of his face. you cannot imagine yourself without him now, your identities too entwined for you to separate without hurting each other in the long run. there is little that would have made you leave him.

“yeosang,” your tone is softer, decorated with your complicated feelings. his name holds so much in your mouth each time you say it, a confession, maybe. there is little to separate the two of you — the space between your bodies unseen at first glance. his hand reaches to cup the shape of your face, thumb resting at the corner of your lips. how easy your heart picks up at the simplest touch.

“you torture me,” his lids are heavy, teeth digging into his lip. “i know you tease but my mind wanders.”

“to?”

“i cannot look at you, be with you, think about you, without love. i never really yearned or envied humans before. your lives cave out such a small amount of time it felt insignificant to desire such an existence. and yet i rest with you here, holding a breath that is neverending, afraid of leaving you. my love for you will cause me to crumble and i will never not be thankful.”

his finger catches a tear that falls down your cheek, “if it were only feasible to be with you until the end, pretty girl.”

[venus-is-thinking]

A Narrative Defense of Levi Accomplice Theory

Hello everyone! I’m finally back with this post to celebrate the fact that DRDT is back tomorrow! aaaaAAAAAAAA–

For any of you who have no idea what the title means, consider it the second part to my year-old Narrative Defense of Eden Culprit Theory. In this, I’ll go over the narrative reasons why I think Levi being the accomplice (to Eden as the blackened) would make sense and open up interesting opportunities for DRDTdev to explore, if they do choose to go in this direction. I’m not at all trying to prove, evidence-wise, why Levi is the accomplice in this post. 

My thoughts on the functionality of the Chapter 2 murder method are basically exactly what @1moreff-creator (nickname FF) outlines in their A Summary of the Levi Accomplice Theory + How We Got Here post. I STRONGLY recommend reading it, both because I think it’s a great read and because as far as I know, the concept of Levi as an accomplice isn’t really talked about outside of it, so it’ll provide some useful context as to why I believe this is a possibility. 

That being said, I do want to disclaim this by saying that this post will be a lot more open-ended and speculative than the Eden version. Levi accomplice theory, at least in the context of being paired with Eden culprit, is objectively less likely to be true than Eden culprit theory by itself, and I could definitely see a world in which Levi is either innocent or involved in the crime in some other way. 

There’s also the fact that, because I don’t believe Levi will be executed this chapter, there’s a lot more question of where his character is headed. I predicted the trajectory of Eden’s arc to end in a handful of episodes; Levi will hypothetically be facing entirely new motives and twists that I have no way to meaningfully predict, so take all of this with a grain of salt.

Still, I’ve been meaning to make this post for literally an entire year, and I’m not gonna let the “Chapter 2 resumes” deadline pass! So, without further ado, here it is: the long awaited Narrative Defense of Levi Accomplice Theory!

SPOILER WARNING THROUGH CHAPTER 2 PART ONE!

T/W: Murder, blackmail, traumatic pasts 

I’m going to follow roughly the same structure as the Eden Narrative Defense, which means that I’m going to be looking at the following topics:

Motive (Why Levi would choose to help Eden commit the crime)

Story Arc (How Levi being the accomplice fits into the overall narrative)

Relationships (How Levi’s relationships impact this writing decision)

Character Arc (How this plays into Levi’s individual character arc)

Wildcard (A specific topic that I think is relevant to discuss for this theory)

These are listed in the order they appeared in Eden’s narrative defense, with Eden’s Wildcard slot being taken up by her emotional breakdown in the Trial and justifying how that wouldn’t be entirely fake/how it would be possible with her still being the culprit. Hopefully that all makes sense! 

For Levi, I actually think the best starting point is: 

TOPIC 1: Relationships

Because this theory is dependent on Levi helping Eden commit literal murder, I want to start off by examining Levi’s relationship with Eden. 

Interestingly, they don’t really interact much of all in Chapter 1; to my memory, the clearest example of them being highlighted in the same scene is when Arei throws a fit over Eden not inviting her to bake with her, where in the same scene, Arei manipulates Levi after he tries to defuse the situation.

However, we open Chapter 2 on the two of them having a rather important conversation. Notably, Levi gets “good person” name dropped in this conversation. For those who don’t know, beneath the “All That Glitters” chapter title, there’s a faint hidden text of “A Good Person.” Pretty much everyone who is called a good person is incredibly important to this chapter (Teruko, Eden, Arei, David, and Levi), so Levi getting hit with the “good person” right at the beginning definitely flags him for importance down the line. 

Interestingly, what is said here is: 

Levi is called a good person due to his reliability, which clues us into the fact that Eden might be open to relying on Levi, even if it’s for something important. Notably, here, Levi still wants to help others and try to be the best person he can be, despite his slip-up yelling at Ace in the Chapter 1 Trial. 

The existence of this scene at all, and especially given the fact that it delves further into Eden and Levi’s mental states as the killing game progresses, seems to indicate that this is a pair to watch moving forwards. 

Levi also notably has another relationship that heavily plays into the idea of Levi being an accomplice: Ace. 

Ace has spent the chapter telling Levi to fuck off and leave him alone, holding the fact that Levi said he would strange Ace over his head. To me, Levi’s strong reactions to Ace play very heavily into his secret quote:

I always believed that a person is defined by their actions alone. But maybe that’s just a poor excuse for my heartlessness.

(If you don’t know what the secret quotes are, basically, on everyone’s profile page on the tumblr website, there’s a secret quote hidden that you can find by inspecting elements. This is the one on Levi’s page.)

I’ll get more into this later on, but this is a rather interesting quote when paired with Levi taking the action of threatening Ace, but doing it through words alone. You could argue that he didn’t actually do anything, but that’s not completely true. Ace certainly seems to think he did something. 

Levi is caught at the crossroads of his words of intent to harm Ace being treated as the true him, but any attempts he makes to reconcile are being treated as “just words.” 

However, any actions that Levi tries to take are rebuffed. He can’t repair things with his words, and he can’t take action without violating Ace’s wishes, so he’s stuck. This, of course, frustrates Levi.

This was clearly a big character moment from Levi. It seems like his will to repair things with Ace, at least, is fully gone in this moment. Notably, we haven’t really seen any demeanor change from Levi that I can think of as a result for this conclusion he’s apparently drawn, which raises my suspicions that he’s hiding crucial information from us this Trial.

But, most people who think Levi is set up to be suspicious and giving up on everyone think that he’s going to be the killer. Why do I think he’s going to be the accomplice instead?

Well, a lot of it has to do with the evidence itself, notably the grippy tape and the contraption used in Arei’s killing (see FF’s theory post). But, there’s also the fact that it’s not unreasonable to think that Eden and Levi could’ve gotten scheming here. 

While Levi walks off before Teruko, we don’t know exactly what happens afterwards. It seems like Ace got bandaged up at some point (possibly because Eden helped him?), but either way, I could see Eden and Levi talking afterwards about their opinions on everything that happened. And, of course, about their secrets.

TOPIC 2: Motive

For the sake of this theory, I am strongly assuming that Levi’s secret is “You’re a murderer, and you hold no remorse.” If it isn’t, toss this entire thing out the window, because it doesn’t make any goddamn sense. 

I think there are two conceivable paths to Levi’s motive for helping out Eden here. I know that in FF’s post, they outline one of them: the possibility that Levi would prefer that Eden escape and everyone else die over the continuation of the killing game as-is. This would be based on Levi’s belief that Eden is a good person, and his increased belief over time that everyone else (including himself) is a bad person, unworthy of living.

I certainly think this is possible, but it leaves Levi’s character off in a bit of a weird spot. Like, okay, he decided to gamble it all on Eden and he loses. Then what? It’s only Chapter 2. There are certainly ways for his character to go, but I feel like at that point, he’s either dragging his feet before dying or dragging his feet before he gets to do his survivor arc. I’m not sure if it would leave enough room to explore his character over the course of who-knows-how-many-more chapters. I have to imagine that, if Levi is the accomplice under this plan, he’d make it through Chapter 3, because otherwise, it seems like the message of Levi is that he gave up and that means he died. But, what would he be doing throughout those chapters?

So, I think that’s a possible read, but it’s not the one I favor. The second read is a little more complicated, but I think it makes sense. Give me a bit to explain it.

This theory really focuses in on my interpretation of Levi’s secret quote, which is again: 

I always believed that a person is defined by their actions alone. But maybe that’s just a poor excuse for my heartlessness.

What this says to me, in combination with Levi’s secret, is, “I am only a murderer if I am actively murdering someone.” Sure, Levi was a murderer– but that was in the past!

(Levi makes many cryptic mentionings of his dark past. I don’t know what exactly it is, but I believe that Levi has killed someone, and might not feel remorse for at least one specific killing. It’s also possible that he feels no remorse because that’s just how he grieves– by feeling nothing– which he alludes to in the opening conversation with Eden.)

However, Ace is challenging that belief that Levi has. Can he really change so much just because he’s acting on his best behavior? Besides, it doesn’t really matter; if people think he’s a murderer, what difference is there in how they treat him?

To me, that’s what Levi’s “Why do I even bother?” means. He’s realizing that, with Ace, at least, but also maybe in general, if someone believes he’s a murderer, that’s as good as him being a murderer. In combination with his secret, that means that anyone who learns his secret will treat him as a murderer, immediately burning any relationship they have with him.

It kind of makes me think of the concept of Thought-Action Fusion, which is the psychological term for the belief that thinking about doing something wrong is just as bad as doing that wrong thing. It’s not quite the same, but it’s that kind of idea. Who cares if Levi kills someone or not? If people think he has, he might as well have. 

That, obviously, is a bad thing. It’s an even worse thing when you consider that DRDT seems to be a TV show, and MonoTV is threatening to reveal everyone’s motive secrets to everyone in the whole world if no one kills!

This then creates a bit of a paradox for Levi. The only way to prevent everyone from finding out that he’s a murderer is to murder someone on national (?) television. 

However, there is one out for him in this situation. If someone else kills before the motive timer is up, Levi gets out of this situation clean. And that’s where Eden comes in.

(For clarity’s sake, I largely think this scene is a joke. I do not think Eden is actually doing anything sinister by “blackmailing” Teruko here, nor do I think either Teruko or Eden would actually think anything malevolent of Eden because of it. However, I’ve noticed that DRDT is very good at slipping relevant ideas or information into jokes, which is why I want to look at this.)

Eden doesn’t need to blackmail Levi, per se. At least, she doesn’t have to actually put the threat out there directly. 

What I’m envisioning is basically that, after helping bandage Ace up, Eden goes and checks in with Levi and sees how he’s doing. Levi explains his frustrations with the fact that Ace is treating him like a murderer even though he hasn’t done anything, and it seems like Ace’s belief that he’s a murderer is good enough to condemn him. In response, Eden lets Levi know that she knows what his secret is.

Arei is the one who received Levi’s secret, but I’d be, like, 0% surprised if Eden knew it. Arei said she’d do anything to prove her loyalty to Eden, and especially considering how Arei overheard the secret Eden received, it would make enough sense if she told Eden about the one she received to “even it out.” 

So, let’s say Eden says, “but aren’t you a murderer? Your secret says so.” Or something like that. Levi is now obviously in a tricky position, because the answer is, yes, that is his secret, but people aren’t supposed to know that. Eden would then loop Levi into her plan to kill Arei, and they would come to a mutual understanding.

Levi has to cooperate with Eden and do whatever she says when it comes to the crime, because if he doesn’t, Eden could easily reveal his secret. To Levi, that’s a fate worse than death, because it means that he will never be able to escape his past. Conversely, Eden can’t throw Levi under the bus and spill his secret, because then Levi would easily throw Eden under the bus and reveal she’s the blackened in turn. By giving Levi a severe secret of Eden’s own– that she’ll be the blackened– the playing field levels out into one of mutually assured destruction, where both of them respect each other enough to take the other’s secret to the grave if they’re the one who fails.

Eden, I think, would be willing to take this risk in the first place, because Levi is reliable. If she understands how his internal logic operates, she can trust that he’ll see it through to the end. Having an accomplice could make it much harder for people to find out she's the blackened, which is a huge advantage.

For Levi, if you follow my read of his character, this makes sense. His best bet is to help Eden out from a neutral perspective, helping her commit the crime but not dying on the hill to help her win. If Eden loses, she can respect the fact that he didn’t out her and tried to help her. Then, Eden dies, taking everyone’s secrets and the motive to her grave with her. Obviously, the secrets ended up being more or less revealed anyways, considering Arei’s body wasn’t discovered until after the motive announcement, but David is proof enough that the students didn’t know that was how it would be ruled. 

Hopefully this makes enough sense! To summarize, I think Levi’s motivation to help Eden is to protect his own secret and survive the motive. The only way to avoid being known as a murderer is to help facilitate a murder without the fact that he was an accomplice ever being exposed. To have his secret revealed is basically death anyways, so risking death if Eden is the killer isn’t the biggest deal in the world. 

INTERLUDE 2.5: Arei’s Glove

So, this isn’t part of the narrative defense, this is me repairing part of FF’s theory. Because, Arei’s glove is missing from her body, and FF’s reasoning ended up being “Levi can drop the glove to frame himself as the culprit mid-Trial if needed.” However, because in my world, Levi is still hoping Eden loses (even if he can’t contribute), that seems a bit far fetched. So, I tried to come up with an alternate explanation of why Arei’s glove might be missing.

One of them kinda sucks, which is that Arei was wearing her glove when the water jugs broke, drenching it. Because the turf is weird, you can count on the turf not being wet by the Body Discovery Announcement, but the glove could still be too wet, giving away part of how the crime was completed. Thus, someone hides or pockets the glove so that it doesn’t give something away. This seemed halfway viable to me before I rewatched the investigation, but between the fish being entirely dried out (non-turf that was definitely very wet at one point) and the positioning of the tape marks on Arei’s wrists (which I think would mean the glove would have to be off her wrists when you taped them), I don’t think it’s especially viable.

There’s FF’s original reasoning from a while ago as to why it could’ve been missing, which is that to get a better grip on the spinny thing (carousel), Levi may have put on Arei’s glove. It could’ve gotten scratched up or stretched out as a result, making it key evidence. This is a bit presumptive, but it works enough.

The weirdest thing to me is that it does seem like Arei’s glove was taken off before her wrists were taped. I’d think taping Arei’s wrists would happen fairly early, considering it makes it harder for her to struggle. But, getting her glove off while she’s struggling seems pretty hard.

The third explanation I have is just that Eden asked Arei to take her glove off at some point before Levi showed up, because it would be annoying to tape her wrists with the glove on. Then, Arei’s glove went missing in the shuffle, or they didn’t have a good place to put it because it would be difficult to put it back on once Arei is hung up. They couldn’t throw it in the trash, because Eden planned on the class reconstructing the note they left in the trash. So, instead, Arei’s glove gets stashed somewhere and they hope no one notices it, because if people stop to think about how Arei’s glove was taken off before her wrists were taped, it could point to Eden.

I don’t love any of these reasons, but combined, I think they’re good enough that it’s not a dealbreaker for this theory, at least. Pick whichever one is your favorite and we can go forward from there.

TOPIC 3: Character Arc

If Levi’s relationships have set him up for this, and he has a viable enough motive, what does it mean for Levi that he’s the accomplice? What is his individual story telling us?

I think Levi’s character is meant to center around the concept of what makes a person good, and what allows a person to properly repent. It really seems like Levi has a not-so-good past, something that’s only heightened if he does have the murderer without remorse secret.

There’s also the secret quote, which talks about “excuses” for “heartlessness.” Levi is trying to put his dark past behind him, but it’s incredibly difficult. He wants to move forwards from it, but he doesn’t know how.

If Levi is the accomplice, it provides a really interesting opportunity for his character arc: Levi will then be exposed as an accomplice and be publicly known as someone dangerous and possibly, to some, unforgivable, but he won’t die for it. He’ll have to figure out how to navigate the fact that he does carry the burden of his past actions with him, and he’ll have to learn to cope.

If a character is meant to ask how possible it is to repent, doesn’t it make sense to give an extremely concrete in-universe thing that they need to repent for, and that everyone knows they need to repent for? 

I’m not sure exactly where Levi would end up from there. A lot of it depends on the other characters, the motives, and the kill order. I still think it’s definitely possible for Levi to take on the classic Chapter 4 buff curse/sacrifice killer mantle with this, if he decides that the only way to repent properly is to put everyone else above him. However, I do think it’d be interesting to see him fill any slot. 

He could be a victim, if his time runs out. He could be a killer, if he decides that he can’t repent, and his only option is to once again try to outrun his past. He could be a survivor if he figures out that the only thing he can do is try to move forwards, accept his past, and try to do better in the future. I’m actually quite partial to the survivor interpretation, but it’s hard to make survivor cast predictions this early.

Either way, I think this totally makes sense as a direction to take Levi’s character in.

TOPIC 4: The “Murderer” Rule

This is my Wildcard slot for this narrative defense. I don’t know exactly what it’ll amount to, but I think it’s worth discussing. 

Rule 14: All murderers must be held accountable for their crimes. 

If Levi is the murderer without remorse, I wonder if this rule will apply to him. I also wonder exactly what it means. “Held accountable” doesn’t necessarily mean that whoever is a murderer will get executed.

I honestly think a really interesting way for this to go is if Eden gets found out as the culprit on her own, but they don’t realize that Levi is the accomplice. Then, in accordance with Rule 14, MonoTV reveals that Levi was also involved in the crime, and is also functionally a murderer. This forces Levi to be held socially responsible by those around him.

Another option would be that, whenever his secret comes to light, he’s at risk of some kind of execution. I doubt Levi would actually get executed there, considering a lot of the reason I like Levi accomplice theory is because of how interesting it’d be to further pursue Levi’s character post-murder, but it’s certainly possible.

It could also be something that comes up in Chapter 6. This rule feels like it’s a direct result of the mastermind’s worldview or something. If Levi is a survivor, it’s possible that, at the end, the mastermind will try to execute him or something because he’s a murderer. Hell, maybe every survivor will have a claim to be a murderer in some way or another. That’s when the characters will rise up and say that people deserve a second chance, no matter their past. Or something like that, I don’t know. Again, it’s really hard to theorize about the whole game when we only have, like, 1.75 chapters so far. 

Anyways, onto the last point:

TOPIC 5: Story Arc

Oh boy, time to theorize about the whole game!

Because figuring out the moral messaging and final result of the last Class Trial at this stage is nigh impossible, I’ve been reading the Story Arc category through Teruko. How would it impact the way we see the story through her eyes if Levi is the accomplice?

Well, an obvious point is that it emphasizes how much you can’t trust anyone. You can’t even trust that there’s only one person with killing intent per murder! I’m sure Levi would be somewhat outcasted if this does all play out, and that would likely tie into a greater feeling of distrust. Between David’s heel turn, the sweet and helpful Eden tearfully being the blackened and facing an execution, and the stoic but previously reliable Levi being both a murderer (secret) and an accomplice (crime) out of nowhere, trust throughout the group would be at an all-time low. I think that’s a good thing; as I’ve said before, at this point in the story, I think we’re still validating Teruko’s worldview. It’s too early for a major shake-up, and to Teruko, these patterns are repetitive. They have to repeat at least a little bit for the audience to truly understand why Teruko acts the way she does.

But, even more than that, I think that DRDT has the makings of a central message surrounding fate. 

Everyone’s fate is already sealed, according to Teruko. The Lucky Student cannot die, no matter what. All murderers must be held accountable. There are a lot of big picture makings of the idea that people’s fates are already set in stone, no matter what they do.

Levi is, in many ways, “fated” to be a bad person. He’s fated to be a murderer. Whatever his past was, it seems like he was set up for moral failure no matter what. Seeing Levi fall into that trap of his destiny, being a murderer yet again after being deemed a murderer, also validates Teruko’s worldview that everyone is doomed because they’re already locked into their slots. Even if Levi didn’t die today, he will eventually.

Except, if he doesn’t die immediately, he also has a possibility to invalidate that worldview later. Levi’s survival to a point and (presumed) attempt to repent again, even after everything, could be something that shakes Teruko’s beliefs in future chapters. I’m not saying Levi would be the catalyst for Teruko’s entire character arc, but I think it’s going to take a lot of instances of Teruko being “wrong” to actually change Teruko’s mind. This is one way that we could set up Teruko being wrong, dating back to Chapter 2, so that when we get the payoff, the seeds have been planted all along the way.

 CONCLUSION

Hopefully this made sense! It’s been a long time since I’ve fully watched the series, and I only had time to partially rewatch Chapter 2 before writing and posting this. But, I remember a lot of the thoughts I had back when I was in peak DRDT brainrot, and I still believe Levi being the accomplice would make a lot of sense and open up a lot of doors narratively.

Obviously, this is what I currently believe, but even if you disagree, I hope you still found it interesting. I think it’s important to remember, going into these next few episodes, a core principle that pushed me to write the Eden Narrative Defense in the first place: we shouldn’t call something bad writing until we see it executed. Please remember to respect DRDTdev’s writing decisions and creative autonomy, no matter how you feel about the result. I’ll do my best to do the same as well.

With that being said, OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE DRDT IS BACK WE’RE GONNA GET ANSWERS AAAAAAAA–

[bruisedloverr]

Since I've been microwaving this AU in my head for some days (or a week?) now, I've decided to share it! DoL but it is a horror movie. It gets gory, warning for that (and perhaps disorganized thoughts)

To start, the situation of PC is not really that different to begin with, they still have to pay Bailey... but now there's murder in the middle! There has been a string of murders lately, and the Temple has been targeted, but some other people not related to it, too. Rumours says the people responsible for this target virgins and chaste people to offer their blood and bodies in demonic rituals, but could that possibly be true..? (Spoiler, it is. The Children of Auriga are the ones behind this). What it is clear, people disappear two weeks before a Blood Moon occurs, and they're either never seen again, or their corpses are found in the forest, near the Temple's garden.

So now poor PC has to work to pay a sudden debt they didn't knew they had, dodge rapists AND try to avoid being murdered, in the case they were deemed to be a suitable target. They can also find love in the way, yay! Bailey keeps them safe, in their own way (even if PC doesn't realize it. Some sort of "things are bad but could be much worse"). But that may or may not be enough.

I'll go explaining the LIs and their roles so far, there are lots of characters after all and I can't possibly fit them all in:

Sydney: The actions the player do with them kind of affect a LOT here. If the Player keeps them pure, they're basically the perfect target for the cult, but they will stay pretty much the same, albeit more paranoid. However, if the Player corrupts them... they not only become a lustful person, but also murderous and way less moral. Not towards the Player, of course, but towards the very religion that he used to find so much comfort in (Jordan is different in their mind and don't have those desires towards them, though). Investigating on their own, going through secret hallways in the Temple, the will find about the cult behind the murders (or the theories about it, at least), and aid them, basically luring innocent initiates that trust them to their death. A gruesome one, too. Basically, whether they're a target or a murderer depends entirely on PC's hands.

Robin: PC's childhood friend, as always. The more the town gets covered in blood, the more paranoid they become, and they start to act like in their traumatized state, distracted and withdrawn. They might pretend they're strong sometimes, depending on how the player treats them, but they're still a scared teen, and it will show. PC may be able to help them be truly strong... or not.

Whitney: Bully with a secret, that secret being the fact they're not dominant all the time, and that one of the reasons they're also a bully is the fact they crave control and status (with a mix of being a genuine asshole and a bit of peer pressure). They're not afraid to play dirty. Scared shitless of what's going on in the town, but they pretend it doesn't affect them. They start as a threat to PC, but that may develop into a relationship where PC can find some sort of protection... from others, anyway.

Kylar: Still a yandere, still full of grudges. Puts PC's wellbeing over their own. Would fight cultists if they had PC with them (and lose, prolly, unless they somehow get their parents involved). Everyone thinks they're the murderer or somehow involved due to being so weird but they aren't, and PC can either fight these rumours, perhaps starting to fall in love as the spend more time with Kylar (to confirm what they know, that they aren't behind the murders, of course!) or believe them, making them worse.

Avery: Sugar Daddy/Mommy, used to getting their way, their wealth is both a shield and a weapon, buying their compliance (and silence) while fueling their sense of entitlement and control. However, among rich people, their status is... bad. They get side eyed a lot. Know more than they let on.

Eden: Isolated and possessive, their love is a cage with bars made of guilt trips, forced domesticity, and maybe a few strategically placed bear traps. Also a literal cage if PC misbehaves. Their definition of keeping PC safe is not letting them go, ever. More comfortable with knives and gutted deer than human interaction.

Alex: They have seen the news, and feels bad for what the townies have to go through, but also glad it will not affect them (or so they think). Having them as LI is one of the best endings PC can have, as they will be away from the town, and completely safe from harm. Maybe.

Black Wolf/Great Hawk: They're animals, but maybe a true love kiss (hallucinations) will make them human! Sometimes. The Hawk's tower is completely safe, so it's definitely the best ending for PC. The wolf cave is also safe, but not that much. There's still the chance for danger.

And these are just the LIs so far! I have information about others, too, but this post is long enough.

[maleyanderecafe]

Hello there! I was just curious because I don’t think there is any but do you have any recommendations for an older male yandere? Maybe even like dilf wise?

I was kind of procrastinating on this ask because technically there are, but they generally are bad guys, groomers or in BL. I did make a list of older male yandere here on this list, but let me see if I can think of anymore. As for Dilfs, I'll be listing like... actual dads because I'm garbage at telling whether a character has dilf vibes or not.

Eden from Degrees of Lewdity - technically speaking we don't know how old he is, but he is generally depicted as being older and besides Avery, has the most dilf like energy. It's sort of debatable if he's a yandere, but you can totally see them as one.

Pei Ziheng from Star Reborn: The Queen’s Return - he's the one who groomed Xia Ling from a young age, and after she reincarnates spends a very long time being traumatized and running away from him while growing her new empire. It's a good story, though Pei Ziheng is not the person you'd root for and its at least 200 chapters long.

Karios from I'll Twist the Neck of a Sweet Dog - darker reincarnation story though once again, involves grooming. Chloe finally gets her dues though, which is always nice.

Benjamin from Searching for my Father - again, another groomer who is Louise's uncle and tries to marry her as a sort of replacement for her mother. She reincarnates and prevents this from happening, finally having a happy ending. Future Recommendation.

Park from Legs That Won’t Walk - this one is a BL, though the yandere is the male lead and seemingly pretty old. Everyone here barring the main character is a bad person, which makes sense because they're all gang members.

Calix from I'm a Villainess but I became a Mother - probably the first of the actual dilfs on this list (since he's a dad), the first chapter really throws you into the entire yandere thing from the get go.

Kyle from I Got Pregnant with the Tyrant's Child - second of the dilfs, the main female lead, Elain gets pregnant after a one night stand and runs away to have her two children. It's kind of dumb on a lot of parts, but I believe it does have an actual happy ending.

Simon from The Baby isn't Yours! - third of the dilfs, Calia gets pregnant after a one night stand and goes off to have her children while Simon tries to find her. This one is much more light hearted and it's actually nice to see how Calia cares about her child. Future Recommendation

Christopher Martin from Things Unknown - normally I don't really recommend webnovels but this one is super good. It's made by @kdreader02 and about a daughter unveiling what happened to her mother and finding out her dad is a yandere.

Matsubara Daisuke from Yandere Heaven Volume 3 - he's a stepdad I believe? I haven't listened to it but I remember people telling me it relatively dark.

So far that's what I got for older male yanderes and dilfs. Again, sorry for taking so long to answer this one, I was just trying to gather everything to make sure it was a list I could make, haha.

[im-thinking-arson]

Hi wow depression is a hell of a thing.

I'm sorry for the relative silence here, considering everything that has been going on in the last (roughly) year and a half it has been really hard to focus on any creative outlets. Everything has felt pretty heavy as I have been piecing together what exactly happened to myself and the people I used to share a community with.

Although my former FC is basically non-existent at this point, I feel it is appropriate to say that I no longer associate with its' leader @morganaux (sernoudenet on Twitter and formerly here) and to clarify why.

I have been struggling with what to even say about the situation. There are so many layers that I don't honestly know if any single cross-section could explain all there is to unpack. When it takes multiple people six months to explore everything they know as fact... I think that shows its not so much of a 'he said, they said' scenario as the few people who still support Morgy have tried to claim.

I feel guilty not speaking up sooner, considering this person is a member of the FFXIV community who I'm fairly sure some of my mutuals follow. Its so hard to speak out when he publicly acts innocent, like he has quietly moved on and refuses to acknowledge what he's done.

The reality feels so cold in contrast, with the knowledge I have- that he has done this multiple times before, burning down or wearing down those he has hurt with false sincerity; claiming innocence, claiming people misunderstand the significance of the intentions behind the knives in their backs, claiming he is the truest victim of the mess wrought of his own actions.

He quietly retweets fan art, cute animals, head canons, and all kinds of fandom things- but also others' tweets to identify with their own traumas- the same traumatic thoughts and feelings he incites in others through a mixture of gaslighting, lashing out, and playing the victim. He tweets passive aggressively about people he feels the victim of, (justified or not) even amid posts about his dearly beloved OC.

At this point I should just block him and try to scrape all memory of what I went through from my mind, but un-fucking-fortunately I know him too well to believe it's over when it's over. He still makes passive aggressive tweets about people he hasn't talked to in one, two, ?? years, a person who was a good friend to him for 10 years before he scapegoated them to maintain his own sense of righteousness.

Seeing as I witnessed him maintain not one, not two, not three- FOUR venting channels in his own discord, including at one point one specifically made for sh*tting on a single person, defending it's use and encouraging others to participate saying 'this is how victims cope'...

I know it's not over, and if he had a single shred of...anything... He could leverage against me he would have already tried to 'cancel' me. I'm not turning my back again to see if he decides to throw another knife.

For a long time I wanted to believe I had simply misunderstood the situation, that his intentions weren't so self-serving. The more I saw, the more I heard testimony from others that matched my own, the more I began to un-repress and process my own memories and connect the dots... And the less sense his own account made.

While I tried to maintain my friendship with him I ignored all the red flags, my own rise in anxiety, the isolation I felt. I felt so much pressure to fit into his equation, to be a supportive friend, to keep track of how he was feeling that I stopped taking care of my own mental health.

All the while he got angry for people not checking on him when he asked for space, threw a fit when anyone failed to accommodate his whims, and even accused his three closest friends of purposefully excluding him by taking screenshots without him in them or even hanging out together when he was offline..

And he would have people believe that most of the issues he was involved in centered on his friends not communicating with him. But in my case at least, nothing could be further from the truth.

I told him I felt uncomfortable with the fact his (at the time) friend had publicly lashed out at me in his discord server for stating my opinion. He suggested I work harder to befriend this person, that he couldn't and wouldn't approach his friend about it because he wasn't a FC member and only there as a friend of himself and his two closest friends.

He lashed out at a former friend (and FC mate) of mine -on my behalf- because they wouldn't stop messaging me while I was at work... And when this person subsequently put me on blast thinking I had put him up to it I mentioned considering posting my side of the story- to initially be shamed (by the person mentioned above) for suggesting I protect myself, stating it could make things worse for the people who had already publicly attacked this person...

I approached him about another former friend of his angrily ranting about a character I had though at the time they knew I was planning to RP (I had spoken about it both in-game and in a discord we all shared) because I didn't know them well enough to feel comfortable saying that made me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome in the space. I approached my former friend because I knew from experience he took things like this seriously and he was the one who had invited this character TO role play in the first place.

He reacted by telling this person he had no idea why I was upset, asked them to address an issue they had no context for - prompting them to write an apology, and then reinforced their worry that I hated them by saying I "probably disliked them since [I] hadn't written them an apology" in return. I had thought they both wanted to drop the subject because he stopped responding about the situation.

He decided the situation was resolved and kept inviting us around one another for at least four months while keeping up the illusion that I disliked this person despite me trying to remain friendly- and said nothing about the situation until AFTER he had nuked his FC and almost everyone was done with his bullshit. I had asked him to be honest about the situation and finally got "[name] thinks you dislike him" ???

(I might add more details about these situations because it's honestly much more of a mess than it might seem, but I'd probably have to write a fucking book to explain everything well in-sequence of events.)

But those examples aside, I told him up front that the favoritism he showed and my concerns being glossed over was messing with my head, that I didn't know if I felt safe in his FC, that the whole situation was making me feel like I was losing my grip on reality, that at one point feeling like I was being discouraged from defending myself was beginning to make me feel su*cidal. These are things he knew.

He reacted to this ignoring both cause and effect, ignoring me unless I reached out first or it concerned RP, continually inviting me to hang out with people he knew I felt uncomfortable with (or vice versa) and normally turning down anything I invited him to do otherwise- including several times that I offered to help him with Eden or dungeons he wanted to farm when he previously said he was free to do so. A couple of times he declined saying he was waiting to see if he could convince another friend... and then threw a fit about 'no one wanting to help him' despite declining my offer and not reaching out to me after his other friend declined (I was still online but he decided to vent on discord instead).

Behind my back he talked shit about me, enough that someone who had known him 10 years and was familiar with his behavioral patterns qualified it 'constant' bashing, whenever I came up in conversation. And even included confronting me about the three situations I mentioned above in a plan he was working on to 'fix' his FC, as if he thought I was reaching out to him to stir up drama.

Eventually it came out that the friend I mentioned in the first example was emotionally abusing his friends (and I found out later told him two of them were talking shit about him- prompting HIM to lash out at them). One of them mentioned that person had still been talking shit about me 6 months later on a private account and when I got upset that THREE people I had thought were my friends didn't tell me, I made a few jokes in poor taste (that I do now regret) about the situation to try and prevent myself from having a mental break down.

The person he led to believe I hated left the discord server at that point and he decided to divert some of the blame for (in his words) 'being worried for this person's life' -whom he had attacked over the situation- to me... blaming them leaving and him having trouble contacting them on me.

I told him if this former friend was indeed attacking people and he was so worried we needed to talk about the situation, since in other situations his response was to ignore the hurt caused. He blew up about me messaging him at work, he blamed me for every situation I had brought to his attention. He went to his mods to rant about me and sent one of them to scope out the situation in hopes they could shut me up.

This is the friend of 10 years, who quickly became concerned and not for the reasons he had hoped. They shared a few screenshots of things said to gaslight me behind my back as the conversation progressed. Eventually the other mod jumped in and, knowingly or not proceeded to gaslight me FOR him, based on what they were told. By him.

They reinforced everything he was saying in guise of a neutral perspective and my efforts to prevent a full-scale breakdown failed. I lost all grip on reality for several days- in which at some point I wrote an apology to him for accusing him of several things that were later proven true- and one thing he, himself, proved he'd lied about to the other person involved.

I spent almost two weeks in a self-imposed social break to sort everything out and attempt to cope with what I was told was reality. I fell into the deepest depression I've been in since I had to run away from home, and honestly if it wasn't for my wonderful SO and our house mates, I might have really hurt myself.

It turns out another situation had been brewing parallel to my own. People had been coming to the social mod, the friend of 10 years, with their own worries about him. Almost every. Single. Member. Including at least four people who came forward with fears that if they did a single thing that he interpreted as an insult or threat they would find themselves exiled, called out, and ranted about in a jumbled mix of truth and fictional-malice until their own friends turned on them to support his victim complex.

These four people came forward on the condition that their names be kept anonymous to protect their identity. He didn't take kindly to this, quickly demanding names so they (his mod team) could handle the situation. The mod refused, knowing he has a history of lashing out at any criticism against him and to protect those who were already afraid of bringing the problems up to Morgy.

He reacted by lashing out at this person, claiming they ruined his life, and attempting to weed out those who had spoken out against him by kicking anyone he didn't feel 'safe' being around from his FC. He posted a message in his FC discord about resuming his 'reign of terror'... Which, even if it was a joke, was in in poor taste after pruning his FC of anyone he didn't think could be convinced of his 'good intentions.'

I missed this first culling of his FC members, I assume, because I had apologized and at the time submitted to his version of events. He approached me soon after I noticed the changes in the discord and FC roster; claiming he really wanted to work things out and remain friends- going as far as to say he was so nervous about my reaction that he was shaking.

I wanted to take him at face value despite everything that happened because yeah, I did want to believe he was sincere, that he was a good friend, and that all of it had been an unfortunate misunderstanding. And at first I did until I started talking to other people who knew him and getting their side of the story. Nothing he said added up. Between first-hand testimony and over a hundred screenshots from multiple people the ONLY things that were clear and consistent were that he lied and fit his narrative to whatever he wanted to achieve.

He tried to reduce conflict by omitting information, he controlled people's perception of one another by how he spoke about them and how close he let them to himself and others, he built a support group by polarizing his friends against his 'enemies' and if anyone had a problem with him... They were wrong, and got added to the pile of 'aggressors' he had accumulated over the years, to be bashed and spit on for years to come.

He may have sensed my change in opinion when I directly asked him to help me reach out to the person who thought I disliked them-  managed to come to an understanding and we mutually apologized for the situation... Without his meddling. Or maybe when he realized I was still on talking terms with the people he had lashed out at and directly asked him why he had kicked people who did absolutely nothing to him... Or it could be that I kept in contact with the person who 'ruined his life' by trying to protect his friends from him. I don't know.

While we were still talking he tried to identify with me and bond over the feeling of loosing the FC, a group of people that despite the anxiety, and pain I had felt in the environment he'd built I did deeply respect and care about... Despite the dissolution of that group and the abuse I suffered being -at the core- his own fault. He even went as far as to say my description of the PTSD and fear I was experiencing described exactly how he was feeling, too.

As our conversations further weighed on my mental health I had to take a break from interacting with him. I was honest again, with what I was told, what I knew, and asked him for honesty about the situation... What he had said about me behind my back and why because I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted to see if he would acknowledge the harm he caused both to me and the rest of the (former) FC.

He never did, and probably won't. He asked for some time to tend to his own stress levels and mental health and then blocked me on all social media and discord, and kicked me from his FC without ever making an effort to reach out.

Of the few people who are still close to him, one of them suggested that "maybe he just decided he didn't want to be friends anymore." But after him begging to have a conversation to iron out all the facts, claiming to be so anxious about such a conversation going well that he was 'shaking', admitting that what he did hurt people and that my being wary of him was understandable, asking me -directly- to let him know if he did anything 'shady', and stressing he REALLY wanted this conversation to take place when we were both able to handle it because of how important he felt it was...

I feel like its fair to say that him suddenly cutting off all contact isn't quite so simple. He could have done that at any point. Before pointedly ignoring my concerns, before gaslighting me, before blaming me for the results of his own actions, before accepting an apology for accusing him of things he did legitimately do, and certainly before directly telling me had no real problems with me, that he it was super important to him that we remain friends, and that I deserved his honesty.

I'm not going to try and tell anyone who they should be friends with or not. Frankly, people can change and in a lot of cases experiences with individuals will be different.

But on that same note, if I had known then what I know now I might have saved myself from roughly two years of anxiety and avoided the state of dissonance I now find myself in. I still have moments where I want to doubt the things I experienced first hand. My mind is still trying to repress my own memories to cope.

A part of me still cares about him despite everything because as far as I knew, he was my friend and I am still trying to reconcile what I found to be true.

At this point I feel like I should say please don't harass Morgy if you read this, but honestly? If you have any reason to hold him accountable go for it. He needs it. And if you have any gut feelings about him or anyone in his circle please listen to it. The few supporters he still has are willing to ignore anything he has done previous to the fall of his FC and have shown they are willing to debate and accuse people who speak out about legitimate concerns involving him.

If anyone has any questions I am willing to answer them and share the proof I have.

And in the off chance anyone wants to (further) argue with me about my experiences or whether or not I suffered enough to be considered a victim, please Google some images of a hand giving the middle finger. But if after that you still really want to play stupid games? I can find you some stupid prizes.

I don't owe him my silence. Or peace of mind. The only thing I owe him is to be as entirely, brutally, honest as possible given the information I have. I think it's a fair offer considering the mind-numbing volume of honesty he -still- owes all of us.

- - - - -

I may add more onto this. Unfortunately the entire situation is a lot more complex, but I wanted to get the backbone of my own experiences out there and there is so much bullshit it can't all be seen from any one direction. A lot of the circumstantial evidence loops back into other situations and makes it hard to comprehensively represent everything on any sort of singular timeline. As I said in the beginning there is a reason it took a small group 6 months to piece it together.

I am far from the only person hurt, and the entire situation was a mess with people feeling unnerved or pressured into going along with his agenda. For the most part now that I have more context I don't blame most of the people involved for their own actions. I fully support those who can't or won't come forward about the situation whether they just want out of his drama, or are afraid to come forward.

[youseissi]

𝚂𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚂𝚚𝚞𝚊𝚍 현실판에

Chapter 3 - My Way

Word Count: 3725

Chapter 1 ✧ Chapter 2 ✧ Chapter 3 ✧ Chapter 4 ✧ Chapter 5 ✧ Chapter 6 ✧ Chapter 7 ✧ Chapter 8 ✧ TBC ✧ AO3 ✧ Masterlist

The last person Mingi expected to see while out "working" with Seonghwa was Jeong Yunho.

He kept telling himself that he was mistaken while running after him at the mall.

He continued to tell himself it had to be someone else, even as he held the dropped phone in his hand and tried typing the other’s birthday to unlock it. It worked, a quick look at all the logged in accounts with his name proving his identity.

He still had a hard time believing that it really was his old classmate, even as he went into the boy’s room to return the phone and saw the little mementos on the shelf.

Amongst them stood a tiny trophy with their old high school name engraved and fondness seeped through Mingi at the value the memory had to hold for the other to bring the little statuette all the way to his college dorm.

But even trying his best to vehemently deny it to himself, to forget it and ignore it, from the first second he laid eyes on him Mingi had already recognised Yunho looking back at him, frozen with wide eyes like a deer in the headlights right before bolting.

He knew immediately it was him even with his hair no longer a soft brown and the lower half of his face covered up by a mask.

The fact that his power was no longer working when holding him down was just another nail in the coffin. One of many lights that went on in his head in the few minutes he was around the other.

Because he couldn’t, not in a million years, not recognise his old school lifelong crush since kindergarten. Maybe a tad obsessive, but to his credit he never expected to ever see him again after leaving high school, so he had always allowed himself to enjoy his infatuation to the fullest expecting it to be just memories to be fond of later.

And he did have many memories revolving around the boy, however he wouldn’t be surprised if the other did not even know he existed anymore.

Although he always had it bad, writing Yunho’s name surrounded by hearts in his notebook all class long type of bad, he didn’t approach Yunho more than a few unintentional times before.

But you couldn’t blame him neither for liking Yunho, a lot , nor for not interacting with him at all.

Because Yunho in a few hours through the course of a week gave him more attention than any one else his age did for the next decade. It was quite impossible for a kid that young, still barely understanding he was invisible and in a constant state of being ignored, to not imprint into the first person that noticed him.

And even as Yunho freaked out and turned away from him he didn’t hold it against his temporary best friend. Because it wasn’t Yunho’s fault that only him saw Mingi, it was Mingi’s fault that no one else did. He didn’t get why no one did yet at that age, but he understood that much.

So he kept his distance from then on, telling himself it would be bad of him to bother the other. The next year they were in separate classes and for the next couple of his young kid years he went back to sitting alone and getting the teachers in trouble for not finding him, scolding himself whenever he felt like going after Yunho’s fleeting friendship.

For a crybaby like him he was pretty proud of himself for managing to stay away.

The older they got he expected to one day just not see Yunho there anymore, but alas they were in a small town. They always moved on to the same school, had quite a few classes together, but it soon seemed Yunho had completely forgot him.

Mingi figured that much when they would sometimes bump into each other in the hallways and the other just seemed completely oblivious, both of who he was and the fact that he was the only one seeing him.

As far as Yunho was concerned he was helping any random kid up from the floor or trying to get past through one more person in the crowd, nothing special about it.

And that summed up most of all their interactions up till that moment. Bumping around school, picking up a dropped pencil, stopping him from grabbing an apple from someone else’s tray at lunch.

Just simple things like that, that Yunho probably never took notice of. Mingi was always invisible to him even though he ironically was the only person that he could actually see him.

Logically, he should’ve gotten over his lovestruck mentality at some point after noticing that, specially since he didn’t want to repeat that traumatic first episode.

He had no plans to ever interact with Yunho again, nonetheless he couldn’t take his eyes off of him.

He knew his class schedules, enjoying the classes they had together. He knew the sports he participated on and the friends he hang around with, where they would all go hang out after school and the video games he was always playing and just an overwhelming amount of gossip he would overhear, just cataloging it in his brain.

He once got into a discord server to play some games with their class when he heard they were gonna play one of Yunho’s favorites, but quickly lost his nerve, knowing that if they escalated to meeting in person he still didn’t control his power enough.

He was fine just observing, just seeing the other having a good time was enough to warm his heart. God forbid he tried to get himself involved and ruined it for him.

His crush was borderline stalkerish, but he tried his best to keep himself in check, to be conscious of boundaries, something which he never had much sense for considering his lack of social experience up till that point.

He kept that in mind, but it was never really a problem because in the end Yunho was the only person in the world that was a challenge for him to actually stalk if he wanted to.

Most people around he got to know their true colors soon enough as they often wouldn’t hide it away from him. Since to be fair they usually didn’t know he was there to see their mask fall to begin with.

But Yunho was a little box of surprises keeping his interest on him, kind and funny and making Mingi let out lovestruck sighs all day, his chest swelling with affection at the mere thought of the guy.

Maybe it was because he was lonely. He didn’t gather any real friendships during all those years, not until he finally started getting help with his problematic power and got exposed to others like him. Even then, when he first had a glimpse of what being normal was, it still didn’t feel like enough as he had to wake up and go to school alone every boring day.

It hurt seeing everyone around in groups like that fooling around and laughing at each other’s banter loudly. So maybe daydreaming about someone that knew he was there and that had even enjoyed his company once upon a time was a way of coping with it.

And he knew it was silly, but to his defence he didn’t plan on ever seeing Yunho again once they graduated. His infatuation was merely a good feeling that he just intended to tuck away and only remember it as a far away memory that shined through darker times, times he never wanted to properly come back to dissect nor properly deal with.

He embraced it like a pastime, a phase that every teenager went through, maybe not healthy, but who would’ve thought they would meet again like this.

Now he needed to push his old perception of the other away and hide his identity at all costs. He didn’t want to be seen as the bad guy, not by him.

☾

“Where were you?”

Mingi almost jumped out of his skin at the voice in the darkness. With the sound of a click an old lamp lighted up, the yellowish glow barely enough to light up Seonghwa’s figure sitting in an antique armchair besides it. The villain sat there turned directly towards the window Mingi had just sneak in through, eyeing the younger with unimpressed eyes.

“Nowhere, just taking care of some unfinished business.” He couldn’t for the life of him think up of an actual excuse.

“In the middle of the fight? Pray tell what type of business was so important that you left me alone at the first real opposition we’ve ever got?” The way that Seonghwa enunciated his words, without any hint of anger, but with a glint of curiosity as if he was just playing catching up with an old friend made Mingi feel like he was in the position of a child about to be scolded by his parents, telling him it would be okay if he just told the truth, but with contradicting undertones.

That just made thinking of an excuse even harder. “Hm…”

“Actually now that I’m thinking about it, we still haven’t talked about the other day. You know that one where both of our powers failed to match against two harmless civilians?” Seonghwa continued with his lighthearted tone, feigning the sudden remembrance as if he hadn’t been sitting there planning his words for god knows how long till Mingi arrived. “I wonder if those two guys had any relation to the guy that appeared today?”

“Maybe. I mean he wasn’t affected by you, so could be the guy that tricked you that time. You know that short guy, must have a power or something.” he answered fidgeting.

“I was thinking so too, after all my power doesn’t work well on other powerful people. That doesn’t quiet explain why you were visible, Mingi-ah.” Seonghwa said with a final soft voice. “I know you’ve been avoiding me, it’s obvious you’re hiding something. The guy you had pinned down was the one that was radiating power I’m sure you felt it too.”

Mingi sat down against the window pane knowing there was no escape.

“Are you perhaps trying to protect him from me? Is it someone you know?” The villain mused out loud, but was only met with silence. “Mingi, we’ve been together for a while now. You know me, I understand I’m not completely in the right here. I’m even impressed someone stepped up against me like that, with no powers and all. I plan to entertain his efforts, really. I mean no real harm, if anything it’s amusing.”

Mingi knew Seonghwa for quite a long time, both following Eden’s teachings together for years then. Both their case files ending piled up on their now employer’s desk years ago as problem children, when in truth the man would handpick and teach powerful children how to control their gifts.

That brought them together and that sprouted their current situation, living together on a lavish old house and with a mission to accomplish, each of the two with their own approach to it, Seonghwa seeming to be way more aggressive.

But indeed the older was a very reasonable man. Their objective really had nothing to do with the villain’s preachings, preachings that Seonghwa himself did not care that much to uphold himself.

Those were merely a big show to avert everyone’s eyes from their real goal and so they had no reason to see their new enemy as real opposition. As far as distractions go a cool heroic fight was even better.

That being said they still could pose a threat, most of their plans were based on the fact that Mingi was invisible which for them he was not at all anymore.

The minute Seonghwa saw the potential in them to get in their way he would not hold back and while Yunho’s power could mentally protect him it did nothing of real physical value in that sense.

He wasn’t willing to risk it no matter how much he trusted his old friend.

“You gotta give me something, if you really wanna protect him.” Seonghwa said in a low voice, now dropping the act and just seeming tired.

“The shorter guy, I can give you his name.” Mingi answered finally after thinking for a moment, his tone low and serious. “The other one is mine, don’t touch him.”

The tall one could look pretty intimidating when he wanted to be, exerting this confidence as he spoke, an empty threat hanging unsaid.

Not that it affected Seonghwa in any way, but it was enough to send the message.

The older leaned back loosening up onto his armchair with a defeated sight. "We could help him about his power, you know."

"I doubt he would want help from us." Mingi replied flatly, staring back at him coldly.

Seonghwa huffed rolling his eyes before closing them and resting his head back. "I got it, as long as it's absolutely necessary I'll leave your friend alone." He said finally sounding tired, almost pained. "Go and bring me an ice pack at least, that shorty hits hard and I feel a bump forming already."

At that Mingi dropped the temperament and scrambled hurriedly towards the kitchen. The other was right, it was the least he could do, they were partners and he was missing when he should have been there to help after all.

Guilt panged at his heartstrings, however making himself useful and nursing Seonghwa’s injuries soothed him, seeing for himself that it wasn't that serious and he could be of help.

☾ ⇀ ✩

The whole ‘righteous villain punishing the evil in society’ was merely an act of self-indulgence. Seonghwa was self aware enough to know that, to know that there was no real noble purpose behind it. They just needed a distraction and he wasn’t the first one with super powers to terrorize the city.

There was already a thief around who had seemed to have won the public with his charity-driven purpose. This unknown boy, a shorty with silver hair and a loudmouth, had been there for a long while already, his name famous online with all the speculation of how he did the flashy stunts he was known for.

Everybody with a phone saw the posts about how his heists always ended up traced to unbelievable amounts of money suddenly in the hands of the needy and that made for an impasse on the government’s part to bring out the big guns against him, showing the new villains exactly how to thread that thin line themselves.

And so Seonghwa took the opportunity to spin a similar narrative.

In all honesty though, if Seonghwa put any real thought into his personal sense of justice he knew he was undeniably in the wrong, he just wanted a chance to really use his powers to its full potential.

His power was like a muscle that needed to be stretched and he for the first time had the space to do just that for real.

Although it may seem strange, this whole situation where he could snap out orders and punishments and have it be perceived as a public service now felt empowering, almost cathartic, in contrast to all the times before where he had uncontrollably let his tongue loose in fits of rage, yelled out things he deeply regretted and was met, rightfully, with fear and disgust.

He was allowing himself the pleasure of lashing out for the first time in his life, a freeing high he could easily get lost into. Even so he was not foolish enough to forget his priorities nor let the bad side of him take over.

He didn’t felt any particular sympathy for the criminals he went after, having them confess all their sins before him made it easy to free his conscience of any guilt.

All those other innocent people that continued to fall prey to his power however were victims caught in the crossfire and the horrified expression in their wide eyes when they saw him served as a reminder that nothing good could ever come out of his abilities.

Growing up with that power was… terrifying to say the least. Having the power to play God as a child was overwhelming. A kid’s need for rules and guidance to be enforced beyond their own selfish wishes was apparent when everyone would become lifeless puppets at his command.

The way he used to so easily affect the world around him could only be described as emptying or desolating as no one could talk to him without temporary losing their free will.

Not only he had no control of when his powers were activated, he also had to learn from an early age to choose his words carefully as if each and everyone of them were weapons.

The effects of his power dragged his mental state to a downwards spiral as he grew up, at some point it became too much and he was exhausted of tiptoeing around it. He just stopped trying talking, stopped trying to interact and gave in to his own self deprecating urges to isolate himself.

He was declared mute, despite nothing being wrong with his vocal chords, and that went on for a few years until his case was picked up by Eden.

Eden was the one that took him in when he was lost, shaping his life to the moment it was now and he could never regret anything he did in his name, not bothered to be a supervillain if it helped him out.

Not that his old teacher was too happy with his methods, but as long as they were bringing results to their cause it was enough.

✩

It didn’t take long for Seonghwa to go check out his new prey. Kim Hongjoong was the name of the name of the man that had been showing up to fight him lately.

It had already been a few encounters and the other was each time getting bolder, more comfortable with dropping the former defensive act and just coming at him full force.

He could see Mingi, yet he kept ignoring the invisible man and coming for Seonghwa directly and it was almost endearing to see him rushing in every time to keep the villain company while he played with his powers and stalled the media’s attention.

Not that keeping him company was Hongjoong’s intention, but Seonghwa would rather look at it this way, appreciating the change in routine. He prayed the other would keep obnoxiously focusing on him and not make things actually difficult.

He entered an old music store, the vintage atmosphere greeting him warmly as the boy by the counter looked up from the scribbles in his notebook with surprised eyes. The place was completely empty as Seonghwa made his way to his target, fishing out a piece of paper from his coat’s pocket as he moved.

“May I help you?” The attendant asked, his mouth slightly ajar.

“Yes, if you could please help me find these?” He said handing the paper, a short list of titles there.

“Ah sure, follow me.” The other answered hurriedly leaving his spot and guiding him deeper into the store.

So this was Hongjoong, he thought analysing the shorter boy walking in front of him. Fashionable clothes, striking hair and an earful of piercings, pretty much what he had expected. The older felt oddly satisfied at the bruise mark on his shoulder peeking out from the border of his collar, remembering exactly which one of his hits that had caused that.

“Most of those are around this section, you have good taste.” The other said absentmindedly as he picked up a little stool to stand on. Seonghwa could probably reach the highest shelf by himself with little effort, but let the other do his job without interfering.

“Do you go to college around here? I don’t think I’ve seen you around before. I’m pretty sure I’d remember a face like yours.” He said, passing down the items as he found them.

It felt odd meeting the other without a mask but he hadn’t thought much of it, the last comment catching him unexpected.

“I guess you could say I’m new, I transferred this semester.” He answered, entertaining the small talk.

The simplicity of the situation was an odd change of pace, seeing the other peacefully working instead of the usual worked up Hongjoong made him almost miss it. Almost, as he didn’t really fancy constantly dodging punches or electric zaps.

“I see, what do you study?” He hummed along, stepping down the stool to lead them back to the front, towards the register.

“Third year of medicine already.” Seonghwa answer, losing interest as their encounter was about to end.

“A doctor then? What type do you want to be?” He asked as he swiped the albums through the barcode reader.

“A neurologist, although i have some time to rethink that still.” Seonghwa mumbled not found of the question, still questioning it himself.

“Ah smart, handsome and good taste in music, you have it all don’t you. Your total is...” Hongjoong continued on to take his payment and explain they refund policy, but his initial comment peaked Seonghwa interest back again.

The hero handed him the cd pile with the paper he had first received on top, a new line written on it. A phone number. The villain didn’t miss the confident wink Hongjoong shot him nor his mischievous smile, a light rosy tone to his cheeks contradicting his cool demeanor.

There it was, the trademark fire he feels from the other when they fight. Toned down by a hundred and way more gentle, but still equally recognisable in his eyes almost daring him.

“Call me if you need anything, I can teach you where all the good parties are at.” Hongjoong said as he waved a goodbye to the parting man.

Seonghwa didn’t particularly plan to continue seeing Hongjoong outside of their playdates, as the villain had so fondly named their recurring conflicts, but he thought of giving the hero the time of day seeing how cute he looked trying to appeal to him.

[words-and-seeds]

🖊 i want to have a few sentence summaries of each oc you have and what fandom they’re for!!

Lawd have mercy, this is An Ask. I have so many babies. This is going behind a cut because it will be long.

FC5

🖊  - Del is my original deputy, born out of taking one look at Joseph and having the “oh no, he’s hot” reaction. Plus, Joseph as a character gives my heart a boner, so I had to do an oc to love up on him. She is the epitome of chaotic good. She only joined the sheriff’s department to pay the bills and because childhood bff Staci Pratt did. When they’re together, they have to share three braincells between them. They’re always getting into stupid shenanigans.

🖊  - April was my second. She’s a surgeon/child prodigy/was in medical school at age 16. She’s a little emotionally cold because of her background - emotionally neglectful parents, going right into a physically abuse marriage. She has three children from that marriage, and she moved to Hope County after being blackmailed asked by John Seed. She owed him a favor from when he was still John Duncan. She sees to the overall health and wellness of the Peggies - she does so many stitches, you guys. So many - and is also responsible for overseeing their medical supplies.

🖊 - Mavra is my captain, and she’s a stone cold badass. You know the phrase, “she would kill you as soon as look at you?” Well, Mav would much rather kill you than look at you. She’s the longtime partner (as in before the bombs even dropped) of Thomas Rush, and the mother of his daughter Mila. She is also pregnant during the events of FCND, but that comes out later (and I headcanon that baby will be a SuperBaby tm because of Eden’s Gift). As the Shepherd, she moves her children to New Eden and tries her best to get the two communities to cooperate, because they either all live together or die separately.

🖊 - Uli is another non-deputy oc. He’s an assistant district attorney in Missoula, and not really aware of the problems developing in Hope County. All he knows is he keeps getting files coming across his desk of people being arrested for serious crimes and represented by a lawyer who graduated from an ivy league school. This intrigues him and he decides to do a little digging. That’s how he meets John and it’s hate at first sight. It’s also lust at first sight and they end up hatefucking quite a lot. That is, until they both catch feelings. 

RDR2

🖊 - Jessie is my main rdr2 girl. She’s pretty much a self insert into rdo who travels all around with her posse (her fam) doing jobs as the need strikes. She’s chaotic neutral. Killing, kidnapping, and destruction of property, right alongside rescues and recovery of property. She is a bounty hunter, again, as the need strikes. She’s happiest hunting and searching out treasures, and she avoids other people like the plague. That is, until she gets ambushed by a bunch of O’Driscolls and is assisted by one Arthur Morgan (as in, he’s riding through the aftermath and shoots the last remaining guy right before she sticks a hunting knife in his neck). Since she’s separated from her posse for the time being, she accepts his offer of safe harbor with the VDL gang.

🖊 - Lovisa is my other one. She’s a Swedish transplant into Saint Denis and she’s a doctor. At least, she practices medicine, even if the stupid rich old men on nob hill refuse to acknowledge her. She’s protected from charges of quackery charges by grateful patients who would otherwise be turned away from “decent” hospitals and doctors. She lives in a slum and is mostly paid in food, but at least she eats well.

🖊 - Evaline is my last rdr2 oc (so far). She’s got kind of a sketchy background right now because she’s so new, but so far I know that she was abandoned by her parents at a train station. There wasn’t an orphanage or anything she could go to, but she was taken in by the owner of a hotel in exchange for cleaning and helping out around the place. As long as she minded her Ps and Qs and avoided a beating, it wasn’t a bad life. She works as a bath girl now, and she hoards her money in a sack under her bed. As soon as she has enough saved for a decent horse, she’s going to ride out of town and never look back.

FO4

🖊 - Berenice is my FO4 baby. And boy, is she dealing with a lot. She did not cope well with the initial events of the game and spent most of the time internally screaming. But she pulls up her big girl stockings, gathers her group of ragtags, and turns into a capable leader. She and Danse totally get it on.

Destiny

🖊 - Foxtrot-5 is my exo hunter. She’s a Gunslinger who travels The Way of A Thousand Cuts. She’s a bi disaster, or bisaster. She has a crush on Zavala, and it’s honestly embarrassing for everyone involved. EVERYONE. Ultra reliant on her ghost, Sammy, to curb her dumber ideas. Cayde-6 was her best friend. She was wounded on Titan in a Hive nest and it took hours before she died and could be resurrected. It was very traumatic for her and Sammy, and she hasn’t been quite the same since. He’s afraid she might need to be rebooted, but he doesn’t want to lose her. Who knows what Foxtrot-6 will be like. She took off for the Tangled Shore as soon as they announced they were looking for a Hunter Vanguard.

🖊 - Neza is my awoken warlock. She’s a Voidwalker following the Attunement of Fission. She’s a Gensym scribe, a member of the Praxic Order with the Cormorant Seal, and she is married to Banshee-44. They’ve been together for like 80 years, since he was Banshee-15, and they’re very happy, tyvm. She is the apprentice of Asher Mir - whether he likes it or not, she’s not going to let all that knowledge die with him. She was furious after the Pyramidion debacle and barely spoke to him for like three years. He pretended to love it, but missed his “assistant”.

🖊 - Lia is my human titan. She’s a Striker and follows the Code of the Missile and is a little punch happy. She and her strike team mainly hang out on Nessus and keep the remnants of the Red Legion and the Vex from causing too much trouble. She is the: Captain, Godslayer, Iron Lord, Young Wolf, Hivebane, Kingslayer, Crota’s End, Rivensbane, Shadow of Earth, MMXIX, VIP #2014, etc etc etc. She’s lost track of her titles, thinks they’re a bit stupid really, but she has an overactive sense of duty and she rushes into a fight without really thinking it through. She is currently working for the Praxic Order to take down The Drifter, and she might be a teensy weensy bit compromised. But he better keep away from her ghost.

DA

🖊 - Ursella Cousland is my Hero of Ferelden. I think we’re all very familiar with the Cousland background by now. She tried to honor her parents by using their teaching in all of her dealings, like when to be diplomatic and when to solve a problem with a knife. Dual wield rogue. She marries Alistair and becomes Queen of Ferelden and lives happily ever after. Let me ended it there, bioware you assholes

🖊 - Marilyn Hawke is the Viscountess of Kirkwall. Purple Hawke, my dudes. Another rogue here (I have a type, okay.) Fenris is her boo. Anders critical because, I as her creator, find Anders repulsive. She definitely kills him in the end. As much as she would love to, she is no longer able to follow Fenris around on his adventures. She gets stuck in the Fade, but you bet your ass she’ll be out and ready to kick Fen’Harel’s ass in jig time.

🖊 - Adelais Trevelyan was my first Inquisitor. As the youngest daughter of many, many siblings, she feels like she has quite large shoes to fill. Dedicated Andrastian. I headcanon that she was basically starting from scratch, combat wise. She’s would much rather be curled up with a book than out drilling in the snow. Cassandra definitely has to chase her down for training, but they bond over smutty literature. She’s reliant on Vivienne to keep her from embarrassing herself with her country bumpkin ways. They’re the land rich cash poor kind of nobility. She’s related to like…everyone. Family members all over the place. She’s madly in love with Cullen.

🖊 - Haletelbana (Bana) Lavellan is obvs my Elven inkie. I know they say the Lavellan clan roams the Free Marches, but I decided to make canon my bitch and say they were a desert clan based in the Western Approach. She joins Dorian in bitching whenever she gets cold. Eventually they just decide to share a bedroll for the warmth anytime they’re anywhere the temperature drops below sweltering. She sees the ocean for the first time in the Storm Coast and falls in love. Stupid sexy Solas breaks her heart. She also puts Briala in a position of power fuck you Celene

The Arcana

I blame @pabstbeerpussy for this.

🖊 - Sadb (pronounced Sayv) is the name of my apprentice. I don’t have much of a backstory for her yet, but she and Asra are in every kind of love it’s possible to be in, okay? Her familiar is a red panda named Batsa.

I have more, but I think this has gone on more than long enough, plus tumblr has already crashed once. But I’m always happy to scream about my babies!

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Losing touch and catching up

Since we last saw each other at Festivale, Manda and I have been catching up on a lot of things.   

Once in a while Fitzwarren would pop up here and there in conversations. I didn’t know him too well except that he was a friend of Manda and the gang. He was a bit of an outsider, even more so than Eden, and out of all her friends, Fitz is the one who everyone knew the least about other than the tragedies that seem to follow him everywhere. 

So the guy was an alchemist - a mad scientist who’s eccentric and a bit of a loner. On the outside he comes across as quirky and imaginative, but on the inside he’s extremely driven - to the point that he became self-destructive.   

When he was young, Fitzwarren watched his mother die a slow and painful death, which was what motivated him to become an alchemist. His father did his best to help his son out but at the same time couldn’t help but worry that Fitzwarren was getting in over his head. His worst fears came true when Fitzwarren became targeted by many warlocks and sorcerers for his work. His father eventually became a victim of a dangerous sleep spell, which in turn made Fitz more jaded and determined. 

After what happened to his father, Fitz became buried in his work. At school he had been dating Wanda on and off for two years. They didn’t have a lot in common except that they didn’t fit in anywhere else. Then during their senior year Wanda got pregnant and they dropped out in the spring to get married and raise their son. Wanda’s parents, who pretty much locked her away from the world, cut her off when they found out she was in a secret relationship. But before doing so, they forced her and Fitzwarren to get married - however the two decided to elope. 

Out of the gang, Eden was the only one who really interacted with Wanda. Being sheltered all her life, Wanda kept to herself and rarely went out without her husband or son. Manda recalled that in the weeks before their son was born, Fitz and Wanda were convinced that having a kid will solve all their problems, or at least they won’t feel so alone anymore. As much as Fitzwarren adored his son, he - and Wanda - weren’t fit to be parents. Both were young, immature, and have their own issues.   

When JJ was five months old, Wanda became pregnant again. Only Eden and Manda knew about it because Wanda wasn’t sure if she wanted to keep the baby. Then shortly afterwards she was lured by a witch, who then trapped her in stone. Fitzwarren did everything he could to free her but to no avail. Manda and Eden never told him about the baby. And he buried himself further in his work. 

The final straw was losing JJ. A warlock abducted him out of revenge after Fitzwarren disgraced him. The warlock trapped JJ in a burning warehouse and tortured Fitzwarren with mind games. Although Fitzwarren was able to figure out the puzzles, the fire spread too rapidly and he was unable save his son. In fact, he took his anger out on Manda and Celinda as they pulled him out of the collapsing building kicking and screaming. 

Then came the attack on Moondrop, where he became desperate to save his loved ones. After that he was sent to a hospital in hopes that he’ll get the help he needed. It didn’t and he continued on his downhill spiral. The gang felt guilty for not being able to help even though they tried their best. Could some things have been handled better? Maybe - but we’ll never know. 

And then earlier this year, Fitzwarren attempted to hang himself. A staff member found him in time but the damage had already been done. As a result he’s unable to care for himself and occasionally suffers from seizures. He also regressed to a childlike personality, becoming a different person. Sometimes he’d suffer from nightmares but is unable to comprehend him - most involve losing JJ, though he has no memory of having a son. 

For a while Manda and the gang stopped visiting him out of guilt. So they were unaware of what happened until a few months ago when Fitz was hospitalized with a bad seizure. When they came to visit him, he had no idea who they were. Since then Manda visited him twice and both times were just as difficult. She told me that sometimes he’d start humming a lullaby he often sang to JJ, something he does when he notices someone is sad.   

It’s a sad situation, and you know it’s bad when the sunny optimistic Manda can’t find a bright side to it. She wants to help but at the same time it’s too hard. It seems like the life of Fitzwarren is filled with nothing but tragedy and misfortune. We can go on with what ifs and if only, but that won’t change anything - and yet we cannot help but wonder. In the few times I’ve met him he was quirky and enthusiastic, the kind of guy who’s always eager to share his knowledge with others. 

I remember reading a story about a young woman who regressed to a child after experiencing a great shock - along with other traumatic events - and she would alternate between a naive young girl who sees her captor as her father and a frightened and angry woman vowing revenge. The author said that it was inspired by something her great-aunt said when her grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and lost her husband in the same year. That reality was far too painful for some people because they lost too much, so God allows them to escape to their own little world.   

That line always stuck with me and I’d like to think that’s what’s happening to Fitz. Stuck in his own world without tragedy and misfortune to drag him down, blissfully ignorant.

[thotful-writing]

Sinners at Eden’s Gate (3)

Description: Jacob took you from John’s abruptly, he was determined to get the information they needed and help you reach your atonement.

Warnings: smut, NSFW, torture, depictions of blood, violence

Ch1    Ch2

You slowly came back into consciousness, your head pounding, momentarily forgetting what had happened, you reached out for something but found only bars. You tried to stand but couldn’t, you felt around and realized you were in a cage, your eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, the memories of the night before coming back to you.

Jacob had taken you from John, when you wouldn’t stop screaming, he hit you with the butt of his gun, that was all you could remember, everything else was fuzzy. You shifted in the cage, still wearing your large t-shirt, remembering John had ripped your underwear from you and wishing you had been given a chance to change before so rudely being kidnapped from your initial kidnapper, you realized how complicated things had gotten an decided it was best not to think about it right now.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” You shouted out hoping someone would hear you, someone did, a figure from the dark began moving towards you.

“Hey, please can you help me?” You moved closer trying to see their face but the darkness kept them shrouded.

“No one is coming to help you, not the Resistance, not little Johnny.” The figure moved closer, kneeling in front of the cage, it was Jacob.

“Where’s John?” You trembled under his intense gaze.

“John, John, John… He’s been your only concern since you were captured. Contrary to your belief, you were not brought here to play house with him.”

“Please enlighten me then, why was I brought here?” You were getting annoyed with their vague references as to why they captured you.

“Out of all of the liberators at that outpost, did you ever stop to think about why we only took you? Why there were no others brought here? Did you ever look past your own desires, your sins, to think about the big picture?”

You were still unsure what he was talking about, you really didn’t think about anyone else since you’d been captured, he was right, it was pretty self-centered of you.

“We came for you, you specifically. We waited until you attacked, until the Resistance brought you right to our doorstep.”

“Why me? I’m nobody to you, you don’t even know who I am.” You shook your head in disbelief.

“You really think we don’t know who you are? Joseph found out you had returned to Hope County and made it a priority that we capture you.”

“If I’m so fucking important then why do you keep playing cat and mouse with me between the three of you?”

“The Father wants you to confess to your sins, to secure your place at Eden’s Gate. You have stubbornly refused John’s attempts, it’s time for another method.”

“And that method is to keep me in a dog cage until I pour my heart out to you?”

“Sarcasm, cute. I’ll just leave you here to think about things for a bit, pup.” He stood up and left the room without another word.

Once again you pissed off your captor and were going to be left alone until you begged for some kind of human interaction, willing to do whatever to get it. You slumped back against the wall of the cage, thinking about everything Jacob had said. They keep telling you that you’re important, special, but no one will tell you anymore than that. If they had any idea of your history, of the things you’d done, you wouldn’t be so valued. You couldn’t be sure how long you sat there, you had shifted between rage and anxiety, angry that they kept doing this to you, anxious about what Jacob’s methods would be. You resorted to screaming, hoping maybe someone would hear and help you. You finally grew tired, your voice hoarse, no more screaming.

“Are you ready to talk or are you going to continue screaming?” He stood over the cage.

“What do you want from me?” You lazily looked up at him.

“The Father says you are important to our mission, to us. You need to confess your sins so you can join us at Eden’s Gate.”

“I don’t have any sins to confess, so unless you know something I don’t then let me go.”

“Coming from the family you come from, I highly doubt you don’t have any sins.”

“You don’t fucking know anything about me or my family.” You snapped back at him.

“Your father… the devout Christian… Preacher… among other things. Tell me, how old was your sister when she hung herself? 17? 18? Your family said it was because she had gotten involved in drugs, but you knew… you knew the truth…”

“You’re wrong, it was drugs. She got mixed up with the wrong people.” You did your best to conceal the truth.

“Why do you continue to lie? You and I both know it was because of your parents, what were they doing in the basement at night, with your sister?”

You remained silent, staring up at him, there was no way he could know about that. Your family paid people off to keep the scandal hidden, and when rumors started up your family left.

“Shy all of a sudden? How many were there? How many men did your parents whore your sister out to? At what age did they pull you in?”

You felt your anger surging through you, you had been trying to forget all of this, everything you went through. You couldn’t hold the tears back any longer, they streamed down your cheeks.

“She killed herself so she wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore and left you to pick up where she left off. She was selfish, she didn’t care about what they’d put you through after she was gone.”

“No! It wasn’t fucking like that! She protected me, she kept me from being pulled into it too. She sacrificed herself for me night after night.” You lunged forward in the cage, trying to attack him, but he was much quicker and moved out of the way.

Jacob stood, stretching his legs, “We’ll get you to confess soon enough.”

“H-How? How do you know who I am? None of you were even here when my family left.” You wiped your tear stained cheeks, looking up at him.

“Your precious John helped us dig up information about the county’s past when we first looked into moving here, about it’s current and past citizens. Your family made quite the mark, after you left information was revealed about everything. I’m actually quite impressed at how well you hid from your past, no one had any idea where to find you.”

You could say nothing, you stared up at him, wanting to disbelieve everything he was saying, but you knew he was right. Your father made sure to pay off anyone and everyone to make certain your family was able to disappear without a trace.

“People who have been traumatized, wronged, like you, are usually the biggest sinners who give way to their vices in order to escape the pain of their past. The Father knows this and set out to find those lost souls, knowing they’d be the most vulnerable and willing to join us in order to scrub their multitude of sins from their bodies.”

You sank back down in the cage, hugging your knees to your body. You weren’t special, they saw you as weak.

“So, you came after me because I’m an easy target? That makes me feel great.” You rested your head on your knees.

“The Father says there is another reason you were needed, he didn’t say what it was, but there is more to you than you think.”

His words brought you little comfort, you still felt useless, that they picked you because they didn’t see you as that much of a threat and knew you’d be easy to control. Your thoughts shifted to John, wondering if anything he had said was true, or if he was using you, he seemed sincere in his confession to you though.

You had no way of knowing what time or day it was, Jacob brought you food and continued to question you. Eventually he brought you some sweatpants after you spent most of the time shivering in the cage. One day he brought you a bowl of something he had concocted, he called it “soup”, but soup isn’t supposed to be grey with weird chunks in it, he was obviously not the best chef. It had become his routine to sit and eat with you, questioning you all the while, you started to look forward to the company.

“Hungry, pup?” He asked as he offered you a bowl of food.

You nodded your head and took the food, “What is it with you guys and giving me pet names?”

“What do you mean?”

“John calls me ‘little sinner’, you call me ‘pup’, Joseph calls me ‘my child’, but I guess he does that to everyone. So what’s the deal with you and John?”

“I don’t know about John’s reasoning, and I don’t really want to, but you are in a dog cage and you look like a little pup.” At least he was straightforward with you.

“If Joseph told you to kill me, would you?” You spooned the food around in your bowl.

“Yes, if he told me to.” He took a bite of the “soup”.

“Without a question as to why?” You finally decided to eat, needing something on your stomach, even if it might kill you.

“Joseph doesn’t always share his reasoning behind things, I have faith in his decisions. Why have you not begged for death yet? Most do by now.” He took another bite of the food.

“I don’t know, I guess I’m not ready to die and I’d like to see how this whole apocalypse thing turns out.”

Jacob smirked at your comment, making that the first time you’ve seen him make any facial expression other than anger and brooding.

“I can see why John likes having you around.” He scraped his bowl finishing what was left.

“I’m glad I can entertain the Seed brothers.”

“So, has John found someone new to torture and pull a confession from?” You handed him your empty bowl, trying your best not to sound desperate or jealous.

“Surprisingly, no. He’s not been as eccentric as usual, since you were brought here, he hasn’t been making much noise from his corner of the world in Holland Valley.”

It brought you some solace knowing there was a possibility your absence had an effect on him, but still you wondered why he hadn’t come after you.

Even though you were getting along fine with Jacob, you started to get depressed, finally seeing why people often begged for death. Jacob brought you food and water, but you wouldn’t eat it. He continued to press you for a confession, but you refused. Eventually you stopped answering him altogether.

“Come on, pup. You have to eat something.” He tried to hand you a piece of bread, but you wouldn’t take it.

You did nothing but stare at him, you were at least letting him know you were listening and could hear him but refused to speak. Your mind always went to John when you were alone, wondering if he was thinking about you, or if missed you. You were curled up in the cage when you heard voices outside the room, the door opened, and you saw Joseph enter and sat up instantly. He looked down at you, before kneeling.

“Are you alright, my child?”

You nodded your head, you hadn’t spoken in days and his presence wouldn’t change that.

“Jacob says you’ve stopped eating and speaking. I thought… I thought you’d confess and accept the gift God has granted you, that you’d be perfect for Eden’s Gate… but now… I fear I may have misjudged you. Jacob…” He shouted out for his brother.

“Did she confess to you?” He turned to him when he entered.

“No. Nothing.”

“We’ve tried everything, John failed me and now Jacob has failed as well. I don’t know how we can get through to you.” He was exasperated.

“She values one thing… her life.” Jacob looked down at you.

Joseph turned to him, pausing for a moment to consider his suggestion, and then nodded his head. You moved forward, trying to figure out what they were going to do. Jacob pulled a pistol from his pocket as Joseph stood, stepping back. He aimed the gun at you, turning the safety off. Jacob said he’d kill you without question if Joseph told him to.

“Yes!” You screamed as loud as you could, closing your eyes in fear, you didn’t want to die, this was the only way out.

“What was that, my child?” Joseph placed his hand over the gun forcing Jacob to lower it.

“Yes. I will confess… but only to John.” Your voice was low.

Joseph looked at Jacob for a moment before calling out for his younger brother. As soon as you saw him your heart leapt, you were happy he was there, though you knew you shouldn’t be, he was your torturer after all, but he was the only thing you had even close to a friend for the past few weeks. Of course, he was as calm and collected as normal, his expression giving nothing away, while your face had lit up instantly and you were visibly excited by his presence.

“She is ready to confess.” Joseph motioned towards you.

Jacob bent down and unlocked the cage, he grabbed your arm and pulled you out. You were so weak, you tried to stand, but faltered. You felt John grab your hand and help you to your feet, you wobbled slightly, having been in the cage for a few days your muscles were weak. John cupped your face in his hands, checking you to make sure you were alright, the only time he showed any concern for you in front of his brothers. You could see the worry in his eyes for you, maybe he did care? Your legs gave out, John and Jacob both reached out to grab you, his brothers were just as surprised as you at Jacob’s actions. John bent down and scooped you up in his arms, obviously trying to show you were his. You wrapped your arms around his neck and rested your head against his chest.

“I will let you know once she has confessed and is ready for Atonement.” He spoke to Joseph before walking out of the room.

Once you were out of earshot of them, he spoke to you, “My little sinner, how I’ve missed you.” A smile spread across his face as you tightened your arms around him.

He gently placed you in his truck, closing the door and walking around to the other side. You wanted to ask him about everything but thought it was best to wait until you were alone. John started the truck, you scooted across the seat to be closer to him, you really did miss him more than you thought you would. He wrapped his arm around you as your rode in silence. Once you had reached his ranch you got out of the truck, your legs still weak but you managed to stabilize yourself, with the assistance of John’s arm that is. You didn’t realize how much you would miss his house, you released all the tension in your body as you stepped over the threshold.

You turned to him, your mind full of questions, “John, I-“ He pressed his fingers to your lips, silencing you.

“Shhh, let’s get you cleaned up first, little sinner. Then we can talk.” He helped you upstairs, walking close behind you making sure you wouldn’t fall.

You stood in the bathroom as he started the bath, just as he had done before. He turned to you and grabbed the hem of your shirt, lifting it over your head, then pushing the waist of your pants down, letting them pool around your feet. You wrapped your arms around yourself, shivering as the cold air hit your body. He hugged you against his chest, trying to warm you up, it helped a little. You missed the way his arms felt around you, how safe you felt with him. You reached up and started unbuttoning his shirt, you were worried he’d stop you, but he didn’t, he just watched as you undressed him. You had been away from him for days and didn’t want to be separated anymore, you needed him close. You pushed the shirt off his broad shoulders to the floor and moved to undo his pants, pulling them down to the floor along with his underwear. You were caught off guard by how perfect he looked naked, despite the many, many scars, your eyes roamed over his body, taking it all in. He pulled you from your thoughts by grabbing your hand and leading you to the large tub, you stepped in and sat down, he entered in behind you. His arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you back against his chest.

“Did you really miss me?” You asked, breaking the silence.

“More than you know.” He pressed a kiss to the side of your head as he began washing your body.

“I said ‘Yes’, now what?”

“In the morning you will confess your sins to me, then you will be offered Atonement. After that you will be welcomed to Eden’s Gate, by my side.”

You were comforted by his words, ‘by my side’, he wanted you, he cared about you, but one thought rang through your head and tears sprung to your eyes. There were rules here, a way things had to be, John was proof of that.

“Is it going to hurt?” You asked as you fidgeted with your fingers.

John grabbed your shoulders and turned you around to face him, water splashing out of the tub as you moved.

“Yes, but it will be over before you know it and I’ll do my best to make it as least painful as possible.” He cupped your face in his hands, staring into your tear-filled eyes.

He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to your lips, his hands holding your face still as he deepened the kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck, moving forward to straddles his lap, you felt his cock between your legs hardening against your thigh. You would worry later, tonight you finally had John Seed all to yourself, you pushed all of your concerns out of your mind for the time being. Water sloshed around in the tub as you found the perfect position against him, his hands pulling your body closer to him. You reached down between your legs and gently grabbed his cock, moving your hand up and down his length slowly.

“Mm… Fuck, little sinner.” He groaned against your lips, his hand gently wrapped around your throat as you continued your slow movements.

You continued to stroke him between your legs, loving the sounds he made as you did. Suddenly he grabbed your hand and stopped you.

“Not here.” He slid you over and stood up to get out of the bath, before he could step out you grabbed his length again, this time licking the tip of it before sliding it into your mouth.

You sat in the tub on your knees as you licked and sucked John’s cock, trying your best to fit as much as you could into your mouth. John’s hand rested on top of your head as you continued, he was getting close to his release already and had to stop you. He grabbed your hair and pulled your head back, forcing you to stop and look up at him.

“What am I going to do with you?” His thumb stroked your bottom lip.

“Take me to bed?” You stared at him innocently.

Without warning he grabbed you, lifting you out of the bath and carrying you into the bedroom, water dripping from both of your bodies as he crossed the floor.

“John! Put me down!” You shouted as he carried you.

He reached the bed tossing you onto it before he pounced on top of you, covering your wet body with his. His hands travelled over your body, reveling in every curve. You opened your legs, hoping to coax him into fucking you already, but he didn’t take the bait. Instead he began kissing and licking over the tops of your breasts, moving his way down, you moaned loudly as he took one of your nipples between his teeth, gently pulling it. Normally John would have taken you quickly and roughly, but he wanted to take his time with you, get lost in you, because he was unsure of what the next day would bring. Your hands grabbed at the sheets beneath you as you squirmed under his actions. He moved lower, trailing tender kisses and licks as he went. He made his way down to the apex of your thighs, his face inches from where you needed his touch the most. He continued to tease you, placing kisses on both of your thighs, actively avoiding where you wanted him.

“John… Please…” You begged as he looked up at you, with that damned grin on his face.

Finally, he pushed his tongue between your slick folds, giving a long languid lick of his tongue up from your center to your clit.

“Hmm…” He hummed against your sex as he continued licking you.

Your hands dropped down and ran through his hair, grabbing handfuls as you tried to hold onto something. You moved and squirmed beneath him, moaning his name loud enough for anyone outside to hear. How he loved hearing that sound, your moans drove him crazy. His hands held your hips, trying to keep you still. You could feel your orgasm building as he licked circles around your clit, his beard rubbing between your legs. Just as you were reaching your peak, he stopped.

Before you could say anything, he climbed back over top of you, he was tired of waiting, he needed to be inside of you. He settled between your legs, you moved your hips up as he positioned himself at your entrance. You gazed up into his eyes, he was being so soft and gentle with you, genuine and kind. This was not the John Seed you were told about. He moved forward the tip of his cock slipping inside you, he pushed a little more giving you time to adjust, your mouth hung open in a perfect ‘O’ as he slid in further, filling you completely.

“Oh… little sinner… So perfect.” He stilled inside you.

You nuzzled your face into the crook of his neck as he slowly pulled out of you, then he slid back in, you could feel him entering you inch by delicious inch until you were completely filled again. He kept up this agonizingly slow pace, easing out of you and sliding back in, your orgasm began building again as you moved in unison with him. He increased his pace, moving faster, hitting that spot deep inside you, you were sure you wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. As he continued thrusting into you, your nails scratched and dug into his back, it was all becoming too intense for you. John was used to feeling pain so he didn’t mind, it was definitely a stroke to his ego knowing he was able to put you into this state of ecstasy. His fingers squeezed and grabbed at your hips, sure to leave bruises. He picked up his pace again, this time moving deeper inside you, you could no longer make coherent sentences, you were reduced to small whimpers and whines as he pounded into you. You felt your orgasm slam into your body, you grabbed at John, holding onto him as you trembled beneath him, clenching around his cock restricting his movements.

“Little sinner…” He growled against your ear as he found his own release within you.

John eased out of you and laid beside you, both of you trying to stabilize your breathing. You never wanted this night to end, but it would, and tomorrow you would confess and have your sins carved into your body. You rested your head on John’s chest as he wrapped his arm around you and pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

“Am I weak?” Your thoughts getting the best of you, you needed to know.

“Physically? Yes.”

“That’s not what I mean. Jacob said Joseph wanted me because I was vulnerable, easy to persuade.” You sat up looking at him.

John smirked, “You have been nothing but trouble since you arrived in Hope County, if you were easy to persuade you would’ve said ‘Yes’ a long time ago. Joseph has visions, the Voice speaks to him and he saw something about you, he wouldn’t have wasted all this time if you weren’t worth it, and in my opinion, people who are weak aren’t worth it.”

You leaned forward and kissed John, he must be right, no one would do all this if you were weak and easy. John grabbed you and pulled you on top of him, you felt him hardening again beneath you and grinded your hips down against him.

You stretched out across the bed, immediately noticing John was missing, you rolled over and looked around, but he wasn’t there. You found a shirt and some sweatpants and decided to go on a hunt for him, he couldn’t be too far. As you walked down the stairs you heard someone humming, you thought maybe it was John, but you’d never heard him hum before. You peaked around the corner at the bottom of the stairs, it most definitely was John, he was humming and cooking breakfast, he seemed so happy as he moved around the kitchen. You watched him for a minute before making your presence known.

“Ah, good morning, hungry?” He smiled at you as he whisked a bowl of eggs.

You nodded your head and took a seat at the counter. He handed you the bowl and whisk for you to finish them while he started the toast. He placed a swift kiss on your lips before grabbing the bread. You hoped he was a better cook than Jacob. You really liked seeing him this way, carefree, but you knew it wouldn’t last. You tried to ignore the nagging thoughts, but you couldn’t.

“John, can we talk?”

He looked up at you, knowing exactly what you wanted to talk about, “I guess you probably have a lot of questions.”

“A few.” You finished beating the eggs and pushed the bowl towards him.

“Alright, ask away.” He grabbed the bowl and poured some of the eggs into the skillet.

“Did you know who I was when we first met?”

“Yes, when you entered Hope County we identified you pretty quickly, your family was kind of famous before you left. Preacher using his daughters for prostitution, not something that can be hidden in a small town.” The toast popped up out of the toaster and he added more eggs to the skillet.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Would it have mattered?” He added the toast and eggs to the plates and sat on in front of you.

“No, I guess not. Was Joseph really going to let Jacob kill me?” You took a bite of your toast.

“I’m not sure what he would have done. He has his own motives he does not always share with us, we just have to place faith in him.” John put his plate next to you and took a seat.

“Why didn’t you come for me?”

He stopped eating and turned to look at you, “Believe me when I say this, I wanted to, I truly did, but Joseph came to me after you were taken and asked me to stay here and be patient.”

“I understand... I mean, I don’t, but I do. Joseph saved you and you follow him loyally. So, when do we get this confession/torture thing out of the way?” You exhaled a breath you didn’t realize you were holding in.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

“I’d like to get it over with as soon as possible.”

“Well, let’s go then.” He stood offering you his hand.

He led you to the steal door and downstairs, back to that all too familiar room. You stood for a moment while he prepared everything, getting that same knife out, the ropes. Your heart pounded as you watched him. You sat down and put your hands behind you, waiting for John. He held the rope but decided against it, instead he removed his belt and used it to bind your wrists, hoping having something familiar would help.

You were trying to calm your nerves, breathing in deeply and exhaling, it wasn’t helping. John noticed your anxiety, hoping to help quell some of it he leaned in and pressed his lips to yours, kissing you deeply before stepping back.

“Are you ready to confess your sins?”

“Yes.” You felt a knot forming in your stomach, but you might as well get it over with.

“I have sinned several times in my life, but my greatest sins are wrath and lust.” You stared up at John as he leaned against the wall in front of you.

“Tell me about wrath.”

“I let my anger build up throughout the years, about what my parents did to my sister and myself. I-I tried to kill my father.” You looked down at the floor, ashamed of what you’d done.

John looked at you with confusion, this wasn’t something he knew about, after your family disappeared there were no traces of you until you returned to Hope County.

“I drugged him and attacked him… and beat him within an inch of his life. When the police arrived, my mother told them he took his sleeping medicine and was attacked outside of our home by someone. I let my anger and rage consume me, that’s why I came back, I wanted to destroy the place where everything happened to me, the place that broke me.”

John stared at you, surprised by your confession, you were more alike than he knew.

“Tell me about lust.”

You inhaled deeply, looking up at him, “After I tell you this, I need you to promise you won’t judge me?”

“It is not my place to judge, only to unburden.”

“Alright… I-I used men… and women. I ruined marriages, I had no regard for anyone else’s wants but my own. I saw someone I wanted, and I went after them, no matter what. I have caused divorces and families to split up.” You couldn’t look at him as you confessed, you looked down to the floor.

John towered over you as you slumped in the chair, unable to look up at him. He knelt in front of you, lifting your chin to meet his gaze. He knew your sins all too well, your path almost identical to his own.

“You have confessed and unburdened your soul. You know what comes next, right?”

You nodded your head and sat up straight, waiting. John bent down on his knees and brought the knife up to your stomach, lifting your shirt up, his hand shook, for the first time he didn’t want to carve someone’s sins in them, he didn’t want to harm you.

“Do it, John. Please? I understand now, I need to own my sins instead of the other way around.” You encouraged him, you needed to be free from these sins, from your overwhelming guilt, but his hand held still, unable to move.

“Continue, John.” You looked up to see Joseph standing in the doorway, neither of you had noticed him before, you wondered how much he had heard.

He placed the knife against your skin, slowly making the cuts into your skin, tears started to stream from your eyes as you cried out. You jerked in your seat, straining against the belt that bound your hands. John stopped, he couldn’t stand making you hurt like this. Joseph stepped forward and placed his hand on John’s shoulder, encouraging him. He lifted the knife back up and continued his work until the word ‘wrath’ was finished. Your body trembled in pain, your face red as tears continued to flow. John looked up at you, his heart aching for causing you so much pain. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the wound he had just made, hoping to help ease some of your pain. Joseph watched his act of compassion towards you.

“One more, then we’ll be done.” He placed a hand on your knee before bringing the knife up to the other side of your stomach.

You closed your eyes this time, you couldn’t watch it again, you felt the first cut of the knife and jerked, John tightened his grip on your leg to help sooth you. He continued making the cuts, you cried, screaming out, he finished the word shortly after. When he was done, he mimicked his actions as before, placing a soft kiss to the newly made wound as it bled. John cupped your face with his hands, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. He stood and undid the belt from around your wrists and helped you stand.

“My child, you are ready for Atonement.” Joseph approached you and placed his hand on your shoulder.

“John, may we speak?” He turned to John, signaling for you to leave.

You pulled your shirt down over the fresh wounds and walked up the stairs, leaving them.

“She did well, as did you.”

“She took it better than most, and I was only helping her reach Atonement.” John put his tools away, turning to Joseph.

“No, John, you showed her compassion, you weren’t being wrathful or vengeful. By obtaining her confession you have finally unburdened your own sins. You opened your heart to her and are no longer being consumed by your sins, you shall be welcomed at Eden’s Gate.”

You slowly made your way up to the stairs, trying to move easily so you didn’t touch your wounds too much. You finally made it to the bathroom and lifted your shirt to see the words cut into your skin. Your fingers lightly traced around them, they were still bleeding and turning a light red, you hoped they’d heal quickly. You looked at yourself in the mirror, ironically, you felt lighter, like you weren’t being suffocated by rage anymore, you could breath. Maybe there was something to this confession thing.

You laid in the bed, sleeping on your side when you felt John move closer to you, his hand moving around to your throat as he pressed himself against your ass.

“Mm no, John.” You murmured sleepily, trying to push him away.

“Please?” He slid closer, you could feel his hardness growing.

“John… I don’t feel well.”

John moved to kiss your neck but stopped the second he felt the warmth of your skin. He sat up and turned the lamp on, looking over at you. You were drenched in sweat, he pressed his hand to your forehead, you were burning up and all the color from your face had been drained.

“Shit, are you ok?”

“I’m f-freezing and my stomach is on fire.”

He knew exactly what was wrong, “Stay here, I’m going to get help.”

[typhoonprecious-blog]

Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more

Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more

Remember the simpler times? Like when you weren't constantly dehydrated, and your weather app didn't say “feels like 150 degrees,” and you didn't sweat through your T-shirt after being outside for only 30 seconds? Woof. I can barely remember the simpler, cooler times myself. This summer is no joke. So, grab a fan, fix yourself a cool beverage, and dive into the books coming out this week. Because indoor activities are sort of the only option right now. But if you MUST be outside, these titles make great beach reads, too.

If you're reading along in the #HGBookClub with us, we're getting seriously into Social Creature by Tara Isabella Burton, and things are getting tense. Have you ever had a friend like Lavinia? Have you ever felt like a Louise? Who is tricking whom? And, pray tell, who is the narrator?! Only time will tell. Follow along and show us where you're reading with #HGBookClub.

And now, here are 12 books coming out this week that you don't want to miss.

1. Eden by Andrea Kleine, out July 10th

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

When Hope and Eden were girls, they were abducted by a man they thought was a friend of their father's. They escaped, but the traumatic near-death experience left deep emotional scars. Now, 20 years later, the man is up for parole, and they may be able to keep him in jail with testimonies - but first, Hope must find Eden. Don't miss this haunting novel with heartbreaking themes of attachment and trauma.

2. My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh, out July 10th

Penguin Press

In My Year of Rest and Relaxation, our narrator's life appears to be perfect. She's thin, blonde, pretty, rich, and gainfully employed at an art gallery in New York City. And yet - because there's so much more to life than what we see on the outside - she's depressed. She finds the world's worst psychiatrist who prescribes her anything and everything, effectively inducing a year where she lives through a hazy drug-induced coma and sleeps life away. Though it's fiction, My Year of Rest and Relaxation will open your eyes to the realities of how much our mental healthcare system seriously lacks IRL.

3. No One Tells You This by Glynnis MacNicol, out July 10th

Simon & Schuster

When Glynnis MacNicol turned 40, she reflected on her successful writing career and full life in New York City. But she still couldn't escape the fact that she didn't have the two things she was “supposed” to have by then: a wedding ring and a baby. Rather than feeling bad about it, she decided to create a blueprint for herself and the rest of the happily single women of the world. No One Tells You This is the most empowering memoir you'll read all summer.

4. What We Were Promised by Lucy Tan, out July 10th

Little, Brown and Company

What We Were Promised tells the story of a family that returns home to Shanghai after living the American dream in the U.S. Upon their homecoming, they're welcomed into an elite community of those who were born in China, educated in the states, and have returned back home since. When Lina finds that her ivory bracelet, a keepsake from her childhood, has gone missing, it sends everyone in their household spiraling. From the head of the household to their housekeeper, everyone is searching for meaning and belonging.

5. Clock Dance by Anne Tyler, out July 10th

Knopf Publishing Group

When Willa receives a phone call that her son's ex-girlfriend was shot and needs her help, she immediately flies across the country to take care of her (and her nine-year-old daughter) (and her dog). Why does she do it? To take a chance on choosing her own path. Clock Dance is a bittersweet reminder to take risks and live a life that satisfies you, not someone else.

6. The Marginalized Majority: Claiming Our Power in a Post-Truth America by Onnesha Roychoudhuri, out July 10th

Melville House

Want to know how to get involved? Want to know how to fight back? Read The Marginalized Majority. It will completely change the way you think about our current political climate. Onnesha Roychoudhuri reminds us that even though our country may feel divided, we're actually fighting for many of the same things.

7. An Ocean of Minutes by Thea Lim, out July 10th

Touchstone

An Ocean of Minutes is a futuristic novel, but it's still so heartbreakingly human. Set in a world where time travel exists and Americans are experiencing a deadly flu, Polly travels to the future to find the treatment that her sick boyfriend Frank needs. They agree to meet in Galveston, Texas, 12 years in the future. But when Polly is re-routed another five years into the future, everything has changed, and Frank is nowhere to be found.

8. From the Corner of the Oval by Beck Dorey-Stein, out July 10th

Spiegel & Grau

Raise your hand if you miss President Barack Obama. (Same.) Even though he's no longer in office, you can relive his greatest hits and go behind the scenes of his administration through the eyes of one of his former staff members. Beck Dorey-Stein worked as one of Obama's stenographers. As she transcribed his words, she also found her own voice as a writer. Even though you've probably never flown on Air Force One or shared the gym with POTUS, you'll still relate to her stories of making friends, getting your heart broken, and finding your voice in your twenties.

9. The Lido by Libby Page, out July 10th

Simon & Schuster

Kate works as a reporter for a small local paper in Brixton, London. She receives an assignment to cover the closing of the local lido, an outdoor pool and rec center. Once there she meets Rosemary, an 86-year-old widow who has swum there every single day since it opened. The more Kate gets to know Rosemary and learns about the lido, her small assignment becomes a lifechanging friendship. And together, the two women fight to keep the lido open.

10. All These Beautiful Strangers by Elizabeth Klehfoth, out July 10th

William Morrow

When Grace disappears from her family's lake house, it leaves her seven-year-old daughter Charlie with many unanswered questions. 10 years later, Charlie is still struggling to put the past behind her. She chooses to throw herself into life at her prestigious school. When she gets tapped by the A's, an elite secret society, she must play The Game to be accepted. Will she survive the diabolical semester-long scavenger hunt - or the terrible truths about her past?

11. Evolution of Goddess: A Modern Girl's Guide to Activating Your Feminine Superpowers by Emma Mildon, out July 10th

Atria Books

It's time to get spiritual and celebrate your inner goddess. Evolution of Goddess is filled with the histories of the goddesses through the ages that you need to know. Plus, you'll learn how to tap into your own feminine superpowers.

12. Suicide Club by Rachel Heng, out July 10th

Henry Holt and Co.

For another futuristic novel, don't miss Suicide Club, set 300 years in the future in New York City. Lea is a Lifer, meaning she has the chance to live forever. But when runs into her estranged father, she gets sucked into the Suicide Club, his mysterious group that rejects the idea of immortality. Lea must choose between living forever and spending a short amount of time with her last remaining family.

Happy reading!

The post Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more appeared first on HelloGiggles.

[moondal514]

Andrew:

“Andrew’s disinterest in the Foxes is outweighed only by his interest in watching what Neil does to them—it’s illogical and insensible that a mouthy pathological liar can earn everyone’s adoration and trust. What’s not okay and not funny is the power that he unintentionally gave Neil over him, and that’s a rude awakening of its own” 👀

“It is a damned good thing Neil got Andrew to revoke his protection at the end of the countdown. If Neil hadn’t gotten Andrew to let him go and then Andrew failed to protect him from his father’s people, Andrew and Neil’s relationship would never have recovered. Andrew wouldn’t have been able to get over it” mmmm…yeah idk how I feel about that but there is an opportunity for a supreme Andreil angst fic right here (sorry y’all this isn’t one I would ever attempt or even read myself cuz it just sounds too painful but if someone else wants to take a stab at it)

“Andrew is a man surviving on promises, biding his time until death. He’s still coming to terms with how bleak the world is without his drugs to keep him entertained—he’d forgotten how boring existence was, how annoying it is to have to breathe and go through the motions day after day. He is here until he is gone and that is how it always will be. Neil is not supposed to be the answer, this two-faced child who should have broken years ago, who tries to keep everyone at arm’s length but hangs on as tight as he can with bruised and bloody knuckles. Neil is not reason enough to wake up, to look back, to try a little harder. One man is not reason enough to live. Andrew knows better than to believe these lies, than to think that look could be anything but a ploy for more favors and protection. He knows better, but—“ have some Andreil poetry in Andrew’s section to get emotional about so I don’t have to suffer alone

“No, Andrew’s medication isn’t based on anything I’ve heard of in real life” no shit lol

“I’m pretty sure Andrew’s entire scenario is the most unrealistic thing in the series” that is actually really interesting cuz I honestly don’t think Andrew’s scenario is very unrealistic at all. Like obviously not whatever tf those meds are, but like given the historical precedent in the US justice system that involves forcible medication of the mentally ill (which until relatively recently included LGBTQ+ individuals), it’s not that unrealistic to me that Andrew, as someone whose already been diagnosed by the justice system, would in turn be abused by it in this way with medication cuz he was beating up homophobes (I mean I guess it could be unrealistic that Andrew would be punished so harshly cuz Andrew’s a white man so maybe Andrew’s storyline is actually POC!twinyards support lmao. I’m only mostly kidding)

(Besides my anti-USC bias making me think that USC’s role in exy history and the Trojans being the pinnacle of sportsmanship are the most unrealistic parts of AFTG, I personally think the most unrealistic part of the series is actually just the fact that Neil survives lmao. Or maybe just the entirety of exy the game period)

“The books are basically a series of far-fetched, traumatizing events” that description of AFTG sounds like something I would read in a goodreads review lmao

“The original three Andrews had a fatal brain disorder eating away at his neural pathways, and he couldn’t retain anything beyond the short-term” super interesting then that Nora decided to go the complete opposite with the final version of Andrew and give him an eidetic memory

Uh apparently Drake originally had a different arc? That instead of jumping straight to the horrors involved originally introducing him by having Nicky pick him up at Eden’s? I’m glad that arc was cut but part of me is v morbidly interested to know what the full arc was originally gonna be

Everything Nora has to say about Betsy and Andrew’s relationship might make me cry cuz it’s just so cute and so good and I’m emotional

“By the end of The Foxhole Court there are two people in the world Andrew cannot afford to lose. Neil is one of them; Bee is the other” 🥺🥺🥺

“Bee is the real deal, and although Andrew started as little more than her most interesting patient she quickly grew to adore her favorite problem child” 🥺🥺🥺

“I even wrote three side stories with Bee and Andrew just because their relationship fascinated me” …can I see them?

“He’d already gone through 12 different psychiatrists and more than one had said they weren’t going to let him work with women ever again” damn what did he do to those psychiatrists lmao

“He still wasn’t interested in opening up to her, but he was content to talk her ear off about anything and everything else that didn’t actually matter. Honestly, he didn’t have to talk about the important things, because Bee figured them out by the holes they left in his conversations. She noticed Day 1 that Andrew wouldn’t talk about Aaron and she definitely noticed when Andrew stopped bringing Neil up in their sessions” 👀. But also I’m dying at the implication that, like Wymack, Andrew used to bitch about Kevin and Neil to Betsy

“Andrew & Kevin got into a fight one day that resulted in Andrew storming off the court and refusing to play for weeks. He called Betsy the same day just long enough to say ‘Should have left him to die, Bee!’ - an unfriendly sentiment, but an undeniable turning point. Up until then Betsy hadn’t had a name in Andrew’s eyes; she’d been answering to ‘Hey You’” the moment Betsy got her name. Of course it was related to Kevin. Love it

“Bee also has the dubious honor of being the only person Andrew ever yells at” fascinating

“She has what looks like a heart attack at Reddin. Doctors have to give her stints to open up the blockages in her arteries, and Andrew spends the day sitting silent and still at her bedside. This isn’t something he can fight off for her; this isn’t something he can protect her from. It’s a lesson in helplessness he wasn’t expecting and never wanted” 😭😭😭 oh no

“Andrew accompanies Bee to the gym now and then, and he lets her sign him up for a 5K fun run with her” omfg that’s cute. You know Andrew cares about her cuz he’ll willingly do extra running for her

“The one where Riko almost broke Andrew and Bee had to put him back together again” I’m sorry, there was originally an arc where Riko did WHAT to Andrew??? Damn

“Riko figured out Andrew was the backbone allowing Kevin & Neil to spite him, so he focused on Andrew. He traded the Foxes’ safety through finals for a night with Andrew. Neil tried to prevent it by sending Aaron in Andrew’s stead, but Andrew caught on and went after his brother. He thought he’d be okay, but Riko nearly broke him” um. Well. This was the original Andrew and Riko arc apparently. Highly upsetting, glad it didn’t happen. Has very tragic and horrific implications for Raven!Andrew fics (aka Andrew thinks he can handle Riko but Nora implies that he can’t). But Neil just flat-out trying to sacrifice Aaron instead is honestly so ruthless it’s almost comical

Apparently it’s canon that every time Andrew disappears in Eden’s in canon he is in fact making out with Roland lmao

I can’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned this yet the part of AFTG I’ve always found the most disturbing is Proust. Cuz it’s like a lot of the traumatic events happening in canon up to that point (and even after that point) are kinda so far-fetched it borders on ridiculous (mostly cuz of the way most of them involve the mafia and Riko) but then it’s like suddenly an actual horrific and unchecked historical abuse problem in the American medical system rears it’s ugly head and it’s like oh that was one form of trauma I honestly didn’t expect to see reading this

It’s probably cuz it’s one of the few traumatic events that happen in canon that I’m pretty sure would’ve happened even without mafia involvement and that’s a very unsettling thought to say the least

It’s my own fault for going into AFTG blind and not looking up the trigger warnings but yeah. Basically what I’m trying to say is I’m skipping the Proust section. That is all

“After the trial Betsy takes Andrew out for chocolate malt milkshakes, and they sit for a half-hour in the diner without saying a word. At this point, Andrew understands–on some level, at least–that Cass is irrelevant. There is no room for her and her dreams in his life. (He is filling her space with Bee and Neil, he is filling her space with promises and a tiresome but vaguely interesting team)” 😭😭😭 god found family really hits different huh

“Kevin’s, Neil’s, and Riko’s obsession with Exy did not leave Andrew inclined to view the sport favorably, though. The people who wanted Andrew’s best had already proven that their relationship with Exy was unhealthy, and they had gotten tangled up in some pretty ugly consequences because of it. Why the hell would Andrew want to give Exy a chance when it had wrecked their lives?” honestly so valid, I see you Andrew. Jocks, especially these jocks, are wack

“He is very smart when it comes to Exy, even though he normally doesn’t care enough to share these insights with anyone else on his team. There was a scene in the last draft where Andrew was off the court for a couple weeks (recovering from his run-in with Riko) and he was stuck watching matches in the locker room much like Neil had to in this last draft. After practice Wymack asked him for a rundown, and Andrew gave him a flawless analysis from memory that left even Kevin staring at him” well shit how I need a fic where Andrew gets injured and does this. Guess I’m adding it to the v long list of fics the Extra Content is inspiring a need for in me

“Have we ever talked about Andrew’s grades, because Andrew’s grades would be perfect if not for class participation and homework assignments. Boy is smart af and doesn’t even care” ah so it’s canon Andrew is that one super frustrating bitch in your class that sets the curve on every test without trying

“Choosing Neil means choosing Exy, because Andrew can’t have one without the other” I understand Andrew’s logic in thinking this but technically speaking I don’t think that’s true. Like I think if Andrew decided to quit exy he could still have Neil but I can understand why he would conflate them together cuz Neil’s future has to be exy. But what do I know anyways, I’m just a deranged Andreil shipper

“If this is something people want to get riled up about, and Andrew can piss off thousands of people simply by thwarting a goal, then that is entertaining enough to make up for the rest of it” of course Andrew would decide that he likes exy cuz he gets to piss off a fuck ton of people by being good at it

Nora said that Andrew eventually admitting to himself that he likes exy is canon and I love that

“If he took Neil’s word for it, Neil was ace. If he trusted Nicky’s big mouth & unrelenting optimism, Neil was possibly in denial over being gay. Andrew was inclined to side with Nicky if only because of the intensity with which Neil reacted to him & Kevin” hmm…nope don’t like that. Don’t agree with that. I don’t think that works with canon cuz what else would Andrew have meant besides him genuinely thinking Neil is ace when he said “nothing will come of it” in the iconic “doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you” scene in TKM? I will be disowning this portion from canon (I think I’m starting to reach the parts of the Extra Content that made people so mad they called the whole thing shit lmao)

Apparently Andrew doesn’t give a fuck about what name you call him unless it’s AJ so good news to “Drew” and pet-name truthers I guess?

“Andrew is a fucking dumbass who refuses to acknowledge he can have weaknesses, so Andrew would probably act as normal as he could with the pneumonia or flu until he fucking collapsed somewhere” CACKLING. Where’s the fic

“cold is definitely on the never-ending list of things Andrew is not fond of” huzzah Andrew’s hatred of cold weather is canon!

“Andrew’s last trigger word is ‘family,’ which is why he’s so quick to correct Nicky whenever Nicky wants to protest that they’re family” ah. Excuse me I need a moment

“Meat is okay but not really a necessary part of his life, so if there are vegetarian options he’ll choose them first (though he’s not technically a vegetarian? he just doesn’t care that much for the taste of meat)” ok but Andrew not being a vegetarian but also not liking the taste of meat is a weirdly specific headcanon I have for him so to find out it’s canon is amazing

“Spicy foods are also good, because Andrew is nothing if not a pile of contradictions” HELL YEAH my Andrew has a spice tolerance headcanon is canon! I knew he wasn’t that kind of white person

I love this section on Andrew’s eating habits so much and I’m not sure why. Prob cuz, his dislike of fruits and vegetables aside, his eating quirks are like a mix of people in my family (I’m the not-vegetarian that dislikes the taste of most meat and will usually choose vegetarian options when possible, my siblings do the pre-cutting/shredding food into small bites thing, my mom and sister are the people with sweet tooths, and all of us are carb loyalists)

Reading about the original drafts of the twinyards and uh “in those drafts Aaron was the abused one, he took on the role willingly because if it happened to Andrew, Andrew would forget all about it. So Aaron made it like he wanted to be abused to keep the focus on himself, because Andrew forgetting such things was intolerable. The more abuse Aaron took, the quieter he became, until Aaron stopped talking completely (and Andrew forgot Aaron had ever talked at all)” haha what the fuck. 13/14-year olds really do come up with the most fucked up shit sometimes

Sksjdjdjds Nora never decided what Andrew was arrested for, which is honestly kind of hilarious

Finally reading the Extra Content (taken from this link wonderfully provided by @peggyrose19) cuz a blessed soul has converted it into a form I’ll actually read. I’m posting my reactions here for posterity as I get through each part.

Warning for spoilers for the Extra Content, all the typical AFTG trigger warnings, many unsolicited opinions, and USC bashing lol

[antialiasis]

Assassin’s Creed (the movie)

So we saw the Assassin’s Creed movie. (Disclaimer: I have not played any of the games; I’m discussing the movie simply as a movie, and rest assured I’m not judging the games based on it.)

I actually really enjoyed the first twenty minutes or so. That would be because after a brief prologue, the movie begins with the main character, Cal, on death row and about to be executed, and they show him starting off being coolly sarcastic at the priest, then being strapped to the table and starting to lose his nerve, and his terrified, trembling breathing as the lethal injection travels up the tube, and needless to say this entire scene pressed my buttons very hard, A++++ delicious pandering to me specifically, may rewatch later. This is then followed by him waking up confused in a strange medical facility, desperately stumbling to escape, considering suicide, and being dragged kicking and screaming into a machine to make him relive the memories of his assassin ancestor. Yes please, I will gladly watch a couple of hours of this movie.

Unfortunately, the actual movie is all kind of a slow slide downwards as the plot, character progression and thematic development become increasingly incoherent and arbitrary. It’s pretty and well made and everything, but that doesn’t save the script.

Basically, the facility is run by the Templar, who want to find a McGuffin called the Apple of Eden, which can supposedly revoke the free will of humans, whatever that’s supposed to mean. The main character in charge of Cal is a woman, Sophia, who sincerely wants to use it to eradicate the human impulse for violence, and she believes that the Apple of Eden somehow contains the genetic code for aggression, which I guess is supposed to let her destroy it... somehow. This is all apparently deeply scientific, because she is a scientist. The Apple of Eden has historically been protected by a secret order of assassins, and Cal is the one lone direct descendant of the assassin who last had the apple, Aguilar, therefore he has genetic memory of it, therefore they use this device to make him relive the memories so they can watch the memories as he relives them and find out where the apple is.

Meanwhile, they’re also holding several other descendants of assassins at the facility, for some reason, even though it is explicitly established that Cal is the only one with the actual relevant memories that they need. One of them is Cal’s father, who in Cal’s tragic backstory inexplicably killed his mother and then told him to run when he was a kid. Cal has always wanted to murder his dad because of this, and the Templar decide to give him the opportunity to murder his dad, because they think that will mean he will willingly relive the right memory.

Predictably, instead his dad uses this opportunity to explain to him that the only reason he killed his mom was that his mom was also an assassin descended from Aguilar and she wanted to die so that the Templar couldn’t use her to retrieve the memories and find the apple. For some reason, although Cal doesn’t kill his dad, this still motivates him to willingly relive the memory for the Templar, which reveals that Aguilar gave the apple to Christopher Columbus and made him swear to literally take it to his grave. This is before Christopher Columbus crosses the Atlantic, by the way. Drop it in the ocean where nobody will ever find it? Nahhh, let’s bring it back and keep it in a place that is in no way anonymous. Otherwise the assassins wouldn’t have anything to do!

Naturally, everyone knows where Christopher Columbus is buried, so the Templar head off to retrieve the apple, while the other assassin-descendants at the facility rebel and kill everyone. Cal sees a vision of his mother as an assassin, and she recites the assassin’s creed (roll credits) which goes something like, “To those who search obsessively for the truth, know that there is no truth. To those who worry about law or morality, know that everything is permitted.” This is 1) utter nonsense (of course there is such a thing as truth, nobody actually believes that, come the fuck on) and 2) a complete non-sequitur, yet this instantly convinces Cal that actually the Templar must be destroyed and he must become an assassin and retrieve the Apple of Eden. Because.

So the Templar go to present the apple at this big Templar conference in London, and Sophia’s father both takes all the credit and reveals that he never cared about eradicating violence and just wants to eliminate free will so that no one can oppose the Templar, which might be a plot twist if the movie hadn’t already explicitly told us several times that the apple's real function is to destroy free will. Sophia has a big moment of realizing that she’s been manipulated and that she’s complicit in this, then Cal appears in an assassin’s hood and Sophia chooses to stand by and let him go in to kill her father and take the apple. Except the moment he’s done so, she comes into the room, sees her father dead, and suddenly swears that she will retrieve the apple for the elders and personally murder Cal, setting herself up as the main villain of an eventual sequel. What? You just personally chose, after an entire film’s worth of buildup and a few minutes to think about it, to let him be killed! This sudden about-face is bizarre; I guess it’s a plot twist, technically, but it’s baffling and out of nowhere, and the film makes no real attempt to make it remotely convincing.

Anyway, then we see Cal standing on a rooftop with a couple of the other extraneous assassin characters, holding the apple. Film over.

Nobody in the movie tells people things when it makes sense for them to. The Templar take ages to explain to Cal what they’re doing; Cal’s father doesn’t even try to explain murdering his mother and instead just cryptically talks about how “they” are coming for them before telling him to run away and never seeing him again; the other assassins act completely bizarre towards Cal instead of actually making a sensible attempt to convince him why he should resist the Templar’s attempts to retrieve the memory. The semblance of actual coherent characterization present early on just kind of evaporates as the film goes on, and from that point there seems to be no real, proper reason the characters do anything. The actual relived memories are empty spectacle; they look nice, but there is no real attempt made to give characterization to the assassin Aguilar or make us care about him or what’s going on. The other assassins barely get names, Sophia’s character takes an inexplicable shocking swerve, her father is just generic evil. Everything I enjoyed about the beginning, how traumatic the whole experience was for Cal and why he’s hostile towards the Templar as a result, gives way to Cal the Cool Assassin Because Assassins Are Cool.

More than that, though, it’s morally incoherent. The assassins’ bizarre insistence that there is no truth and no morality is deeply alienating; they don’t come off as noble protectors of an artifact that would threaten humanity if it got into the wrong hands, but simply as a petty group of unrepentant murderers, who kill relentlessly not because it’s actually necessary but simply because they’re assassins and that’s what assassins do. (Again, if they really wanted to protect the apple, they’d have dropped it into the sea where it’d never be found instead of maintaining a secret order of assassins ready to continue to shed blood for it.) The idea of the Apple of Eden being used to eliminate the impulse for violence plays a huge part in the first half of the movie, but it just sort of gets dropped with a handwavy, “Oh, well, that wasn’t really what we were going to use it for,” which frustratingly skirts around all the potentially interesting questions you could raise around the concept to replace it with a generic “bad guys are evil, want to do obviously evil thing, good guys must stop them” plot.

And Cal’s character arc... what even is Cal’s character arc? It’s established that Cal is a violent man and a murderer, but he says the person he murdered was a pimp, perhaps suggesting he actually did it to defend women who were being abused by the pimp or something in that direction, and a significant portion of the movie involves Sophia saying she wants to cure his aggression, and we know it’s all based in him witnessing his father having murdered his mother and hating him as a result, which turns out to have been wrong. All in all, it felt like setup for him to get over his hatred and aggression and become a better, healthier, less violent person, without needing to be forcibly ‘cured’ by the apple’s vague powers. But ultimately, he just... becomes an assassin and kills a bunch more people and embraces a creed of how everything is permitted, and none of this is presented in any way critically. It’s baffling and uncomfortable and I don’t understand what they were even going for.

But hey, at least there’s that opening. That opening, man.

[dragons-in-bowties-blog]

Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more

Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more

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Remember the simpler times? Like when you weren't constantly dehydrated, and your weather app didn't say “feels like 150 degrees,” and you didn't sweat through your T-shirt after being outside for only 30 seconds? Woof. I can barely remember the simpler, cooler times myself. This summer is no joke. So, grab a fan, fix yourself a cool beverage, and dive into the books coming out this week. Because indoor activities are sort of the only option right now. But if you MUST be outside, these titles make great beach reads, too.

If you're reading along in the #HGBookClub with us, we're getting seriously into Social Creature by Tara Isabella Burton, and things are getting tense. Have you ever had a friend like Lavinia? Have you ever felt like a Louise? Who is tricking whom? And, pray tell, who is the narrator?! Only time will tell. Follow along and show us where you're reading with #HGBookClub.

And now, here are 12 books coming out this week that you don't want to miss.

1. Eden by Andrea Kleine, out July 10th

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

When Hope and Eden were girls, they were abducted by a man they thought was a friend of their father's. They escaped, but the traumatic near-death experience left deep emotional scars. Now, 20 years later, the man is up for parole, and they may be able to keep him in jail with testimonies - but first, Hope must find Eden. Don't miss this haunting novel with heartbreaking themes of attachment and trauma.

2. My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh, out July 10th

Penguin Press

In My Year of Rest and Relaxation, our narrator's life appears to be perfect. She's thin, blonde, pretty, rich, and gainfully employed at an art gallery in New York City. And yet - because there's so much more to life than what we see on the outside - she's depressed. She finds the world's worst psychiatrist who prescribes her anything and everything, effectively inducing a year where she lives through a hazy drug-induced coma and sleeps life away. Though it's fiction, My Year of Rest and Relaxation will open your eyes to the realities of how much our mental healthcare system seriously lacks IRL.

3. No One Tells You This by Glynnis MacNicol, out July 10th

Simon & Schuster

When Glynnis MacNicol turned 40, she reflected on her successful writing career and full life in New York City. But she still couldn't escape the fact that she didn't have the two things she was “supposed” to have by then: a wedding ring and a baby. Rather than feeling bad about it, she decided to create a blueprint for herself and the rest of the happily single women of the world. No One Tells You This is the most empowering memoir you'll read all summer.

4. What We Were Promised by Lucy Tan, out July 10th

Little, Brown and Company

What We Were Promised tells the story of a family that returns home to Shanghai after living the American dream in the U.S. Upon their homecoming, they're welcomed into an elite community of those who were born in China, educated in the states, and have returned back home since. When Lina finds that her ivory bracelet, a keepsake from her childhood, has gone missing, it sends everyone in their household spiraling. From the head of the household to their housekeeper, everyone is searching for meaning and belonging.

5. Clock Dance by Anne Tyler, out July 10th

Knopf Publishing Group

When Willa receives a phone call that her son's ex-girlfriend was shot and needs her help, she immediately flies across the country to take care of her (and her nine-year-old daughter) (and her dog). Why does she do it? To take a chance on choosing her own path. Clock Dance is a bittersweet reminder to take risks and live a life that satisfies you, not someone else.

6. The Marginalized Majority: Claiming Our Power in a Post-Truth America by Onnesha Roychoudhuri, out July 10th

Melville House

Want to know how to get involved? Want to know how to fight back? Read The Marginalized Majority. It will completely change the way you think about our current political climate. Onnesha Roychoudhuri reminds us that even though our country may feel divided, we're actually fighting for many of the same things.

7. An Ocean of Minutes by Thea Lim, out July 10th

Touchstone

An Ocean of Minutes is a futuristic novel, but it's still so heartbreakingly human. Set in a world where time travel exists and Americans are experiencing a deadly flu, Polly travels to the future to find the treatment that her sick boyfriend Frank needs. They agree to meet in Galveston, Texas, 12 years in the future. But when Polly is re-routed another five years into the future, everything has changed, and Frank is nowhere to be found.

8. From the Corner of the Oval by Beck Dorey-Stein, out July 10th

Spiegel & Grau

Raise your hand if you miss President Barack Obama. (Same.) Even though he's no longer in office, you can relive his greatest hits and go behind the scenes of his administration through the eyes of one of his former staff members. Beck Dorey-Stein worked as one of Obama's stenographers. As she transcribed his words, she also found her own voice as a writer. Even though you've probably never flown on Air Force One or shared the gym with POTUS, you'll still relate to her stories of making friends, getting your heart broken, and finding your voice in your twenties.

9. The Lido by Libby Page, out July 10th

Simon & Schuster

Kate works as a reporter for a small local paper in Brixton, London. She receives an assignment to cover the closing of the local lido, an outdoor pool and rec center. Once there she meets Rosemary, an 86-year-old widow who has swum there every single day since it opened. The more Kate gets to know Rosemary and learns about the lido, her small assignment becomes a lifechanging friendship. And together, the two women fight to keep the lido open.

10. All These Beautiful Strangers by Elizabeth Klehfoth, out July 10th

William Morrow

When Grace disappears from her family's lake house, it leaves her seven-year-old daughter Charlie with many unanswered questions. 10 years later, Charlie is still struggling to put the past behind her. She chooses to throw herself into life at her prestigious school. When she gets tapped by the A's, an elite secret society, she must play The Game to be accepted. Will she survive the diabolical semester-long scavenger hunt - or the terrible truths about her past?

11. Evolution of Goddess: A Modern Girl's Guide to Activating Your Feminine Superpowers by Emma Mildon, out July 10th

Atria Books

It's time to get spiritual and celebrate your inner goddess. Evolution of Goddess is filled with the histories of the goddesses through the ages that you need to know. Plus, you'll learn how to tap into your own feminine superpowers.

12. Suicide Club by Rachel Heng, out July 10th

Henry Holt and Co.

For another futuristic novel, don't miss Suicide Club, set 300 years in the future in New York City. Lea is a Lifer, meaning she has the chance to live forever. But when runs into her estranged father, she gets sucked into the Suicide Club, his mysterious group that rejects the idea of immortality. Lea must choose between living forever and spending a short amount of time with her last remaining family.

Happy reading!

The post Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more appeared first on HelloGiggles.

[inkundu1]

Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more

Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more

Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more" src="https://images.hellogiggles.com/uploads/2018/07/09135458/picture-of-books-coming-out-this-week-my-year-of-rest-and-relaxation-eden-books-photo.jpg" width="4608" height="3456"/>

Remember the simpler times? Like when you weren't constantly dehydrated, and your weather app didn't say “feels like 150 degrees,” and you didn't sweat through your T-shirt after being outside for only 30 seconds? Woof. I can barely remember the simpler, cooler times myself. This summer is no joke. So, grab a fan, fix yourself a cool beverage, and dive into the books coming out this week. Because indoor activities are sort of the only option right now. But if you MUST be outside, these titles make great beach reads, too.

If you're reading along in the #HGBookClub with us, we're getting seriously into Social Creature by Tara Isabella Burton, and things are getting tense. Have you ever had a friend like Lavinia? Have you ever felt like a Louise? Who is tricking whom? And, pray tell, who is the narrator?! Only time will tell. Follow along and show us where you're reading with #HGBookClub.

And now, here are 12 books coming out this week that you don't want to miss.

1. Eden by Andrea Kleine, out July 10th

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

When Hope and Eden were girls, they were abducted by a man they thought was a friend of their father's. They escaped, but the traumatic near-death experience left deep emotional scars. Now, 20 years later, the man is up for parole, and they may be able to keep him in jail with testimonies - but first, Hope must find Eden. Don't miss this haunting novel with heartbreaking themes of attachment and trauma.

2. My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh, out July 10th

Penguin Press

In My Year of Rest and Relaxation, our narrator's life appears to be perfect. She's thin, blonde, pretty, rich, and gainfully employed at an art gallery in New York City. And yet - because there's so much more to life than what we see on the outside - she's depressed. She finds the world's worst psychiatrist who prescribes her anything and everything, effectively inducing a year where she lives through a hazy drug-induced coma and sleeps life away. Though it's fiction, My Year of Rest and Relaxation will open your eyes to the realities of how much our mental healthcare system seriously lacks IRL.

3. No One Tells You This by Glynnis MacNicol, out July 10th

Simon & Schuster

When Glynnis MacNicol turned 40, she reflected on her successful writing career and full life in New York City. But she still couldn't escape the fact that she didn't have the two things she was “supposed” to have by then: a wedding ring and a baby. Rather than feeling bad about it, she decided to create a blueprint for herself and the rest of the happily single women of the world. No One Tells You This is the most empowering memoir you'll read all summer.

4. What We Were Promised by Lucy Tan, out July 10th

Little, Brown and Company

What We Were Promised tells the story of a family that returns home to Shanghai after living the American dream in the U.S. Upon their homecoming, they're welcomed into an elite community of those who were born in China, educated in the states, and have returned back home since. When Lina finds that her ivory bracelet, a keepsake from her childhood, has gone missing, it sends everyone in their household spiraling. From the head of the household to their housekeeper, everyone is searching for meaning and belonging.

5. Clock Dance by Anne Tyler, out July 10th

Knopf Publishing Group

When Willa receives a phone call that her son's ex-girlfriend was shot and needs her help, she immediately flies across the country to take care of her (and her nine-year-old daughter) (and her dog). Why does she do it? To take a chance on choosing her own path. Clock Dance is a bittersweet reminder to take risks and live a life that satisfies you, not someone else.

6. The Marginalized Majority: Claiming Our Power in a Post-Truth America by Onnesha Roychoudhuri, out July 10th

Melville House

Want to know how to get involved? Want to know how to fight back? Read The Marginalized Majority. It will completely change the way you think about our current political climate. Onnesha Roychoudhuri reminds us that even though our country may feel divided, we're actually fighting for many of the same things.

7. An Ocean of Minutes by Thea Lim, out July 10th

Touchstone

An Ocean of Minutes is a futuristic novel, but it's still so heartbreakingly human. Set in a world where time travel exists and Americans are experiencing a deadly flu, Polly travels to the future to find the treatment that her sick boyfriend Frank needs. They agree to meet in Galveston, Texas, 12 years in the future. But when Polly is re-routed another five years into the future, everything has changed, and Frank is nowhere to be found.

8. From the Corner of the Oval by Beck Dorey-Stein, out July 10th

Spiegel & Grau

Raise your hand if you miss President Barack Obama. (Same.) Even though he's no longer in office, you can relive his greatest hits and go behind the scenes of his administration through the eyes of one of his former staff members. Beck Dorey-Stein worked as one of Obama's stenographers. As she transcribed his words, she also found her own voice as a writer. Even though you've probably never flown on Air Force One or shared the gym with POTUS, you'll still relate to her stories of making friends, getting your heart broken, and finding your voice in your twenties.

9. The Lido by Libby Page, out July 10th

Simon & Schuster

Kate works as a reporter for a small local paper in Brixton, London. She receives an assignment to cover the closing of the local lido, an outdoor pool and rec center. Once there she meets Rosemary, an 86-year-old widow who has swum there every single day since it opened. The more Kate gets to know Rosemary and learns about the lido, her small assignment becomes a lifechanging friendship. And together, the two women fight to keep the lido open.

10. All These Beautiful Strangers by Elizabeth Klehfoth, out July 10th

William Morrow

When Grace disappears from her family's lake house, it leaves her seven-year-old daughter Charlie with many unanswered questions. 10 years later, Charlie is still struggling to put the past behind her. She chooses to throw herself into life at her prestigious school. When she gets tapped by the A's, an elite secret society, she must play The Game to be accepted. Will she survive the diabolical semester-long scavenger hunt - or the terrible truths about her past?

11. Evolution of Goddess: A Modern Girl's Guide to Activating Your Feminine Superpowers by Emma Mildon, out July 10th

Atria Books

It's time to get spiritual and celebrate your inner goddess. Evolution of Goddess is filled with the histories of the goddesses through the ages that you need to know. Plus, you'll learn how to tap into your own feminine superpowers.

12. Suicide Club by Rachel Heng, out July 10th

Henry Holt and Co.

For another futuristic novel, don't miss Suicide Club, set 300 years in the future in New York City. Lea is a Lifer, meaning she has the chance to live forever. But when runs into her estranged father, she gets sucked into the Suicide Club, his mysterious group that rejects the idea of immortality. Lea must choose between living forever and spending a short amount of time with her last remaining family.

Happy reading!

The post Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more appeared first on HelloGiggles.

[cowgirluli-blog]

Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more

Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more

Remember the simpler times? Like when you weren't constantly dehydrated, and your weather app didn't say “feels like 150 degrees,” and you didn't sweat through your T-shirt after being outside for only 30 seconds? Woof. I can barely remember the simpler, cooler times myself. This summer is no joke. So, grab a fan, fix yourself a cool beverage, and dive into the books coming out this week. Because indoor activities are sort of the only option right now. But if you MUST be outside, these titles make great beach reads, too.

If you're reading along in the #HGBookClub with us, we're getting seriously into Social Creature by Tara Isabella Burton, and things are getting tense. Have you ever had a friend like Lavinia? Have you ever felt like a Louise? Who is tricking whom? And, pray tell, who is the narrator?! Only time will tell. Follow along and show us where you're reading with #HGBookClub.

And now, here are 12 books coming out this week that you don't want to miss.

1. Eden by Andrea Kleine, out July 10th

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

When Hope and Eden were girls, they were abducted by a man they thought was a friend of their father's. They escaped, but the traumatic near-death experience left deep emotional scars. Now, 20 years later, the man is up for parole, and they may be able to keep him in jail with testimonies - but first, Hope must find Eden. Don't miss this haunting novel with heartbreaking themes of attachment and trauma.

2. My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh, out July 10th

Penguin Press

In My Year of Rest and Relaxation, our narrator's life appears to be perfect. She's thin, blonde, pretty, rich, and gainfully employed at an art gallery in New York City. And yet - because there's so much more to life than what we see on the outside - she's depressed. She finds the world's worst psychiatrist who prescribes her anything and everything, effectively inducing a year where she lives through a hazy drug-induced coma and sleeps life away. Though it's fiction, My Year of Rest and Relaxation will open your eyes to the realities of how much our mental healthcare system seriously lacks IRL.

3. No One Tells You This by Glynnis MacNicol, out July 10th

Simon & Schuster

When Glynnis MacNicol turned 40, she reflected on her successful writing career and full life in New York City. But she still couldn't escape the fact that she didn't have the two things she was “supposed” to have by then: a wedding ring and a baby. Rather than feeling bad about it, she decided to create a blueprint for herself and the rest of the happily single women of the world. No One Tells You This is the most empowering memoir you'll read all summer.

4. What We Were Promised by Lucy Tan, out July 10th

Little, Brown and Company

What We Were Promised tells the story of a family that returns home to Shanghai after living the American dream in the U.S. Upon their homecoming, they're welcomed into an elite community of those who were born in China, educated in the states, and have returned back home since. When Lina finds that her ivory bracelet, a keepsake from her childhood, has gone missing, it sends everyone in their household spiraling. From the head of the household to their housekeeper, everyone is searching for meaning and belonging.

5. Clock Dance by Anne Tyler, out July 10th

Knopf Publishing Group

When Willa receives a phone call that her son's ex-girlfriend was shot and needs her help, she immediately flies across the country to take care of her (and her nine-year-old daughter) (and her dog). Why does she do it? To take a chance on choosing her own path. Clock Dance is a bittersweet reminder to take risks and live a life that satisfies you, not someone else.

6. The Marginalized Majority: Claiming Our Power in a Post-Truth America by Onnesha Roychoudhuri, out July 10th

Melville House

Want to know how to get involved? Want to know how to fight back? Read The Marginalized Majority. It will completely change the way you think about our current political climate. Onnesha Roychoudhuri reminds us that even though our country may feel divided, we're actually fighting for many of the same things.

7. An Ocean of Minutes by Thea Lim, out July 10th

Touchstone

An Ocean of Minutes is a futuristic novel, but it's still so heartbreakingly human. Set in a world where time travel exists and Americans are experiencing a deadly flu, Polly travels to the future to find the treatment that her sick boyfriend Frank needs. They agree to meet in Galveston, Texas, 12 years in the future. But when Polly is re-routed another five years into the future, everything has changed, and Frank is nowhere to be found.

8. From the Corner of the Oval by Beck Dorey-Stein, out July 10th

Spiegel & Grau

Raise your hand if you miss President Barack Obama. (Same.) Even though he's no longer in office, you can relive his greatest hits and go behind the scenes of his administration through the eyes of one of his former staff members. Beck Dorey-Stein worked as one of Obama's stenographers. As she transcribed his words, she also found her own voice as a writer. Even though you've probably never flown on Air Force One or shared the gym with POTUS, you'll still relate to her stories of making friends, getting your heart broken, and finding your voice in your twenties.

9. The Lido by Libby Page, out July 10th

Simon & Schuster

Kate works as a reporter for a small local paper in Brixton, London. She receives an assignment to cover the closing of the local lido, an outdoor pool and rec center. Once there she meets Rosemary, an 86-year-old widow who has swum there every single day since it opened. The more Kate gets to know Rosemary and learns about the lido, her small assignment becomes a lifechanging friendship. And together, the two women fight to keep the lido open.

10. All These Beautiful Strangers by Elizabeth Klehfoth, out July 10th

William Morrow

When Grace disappears from her family's lake house, it leaves her seven-year-old daughter Charlie with many unanswered questions. 10 years later, Charlie is still struggling to put the past behind her. She chooses to throw herself into life at her prestigious school. When she gets tapped by the A's, an elite secret society, she must play The Game to be accepted. Will she survive the diabolical semester-long scavenger hunt - or the terrible truths about her past?

11. Evolution of Goddess: A Modern Girl's Guide to Activating Your Feminine Superpowers by Emma Mildon, out July 10th

Atria Books

It's time to get spiritual and celebrate your inner goddess. Evolution of Goddess is filled with the histories of the goddesses through the ages that you need to know. Plus, you'll learn how to tap into your own feminine superpowers.

12. Suicide Club by Rachel Heng, out July 10th

Henry Holt and Co.

For another futuristic novel, don't miss Suicide Club, set 300 years in the future in New York City. Lea is a Lifer, meaning she has the chance to live forever. But when runs into her estranged father, she gets sucked into the Suicide Club, his mysterious group that rejects the idea of immortality. Lea must choose between living forever and spending a short amount of time with her last remaining family.

Happy reading!

The post Books coming out this week: Eden, My Year of Rest and Relaxation, and more appeared first on HelloGiggles.