#I think I’ve really stepped up on my rendering and coloring game

[vampyrebellion]

Misty ✨

[cuddly-asexual]

My Thoughts on FE Engage

Aight I had all this sitting in a google doc for a while and now that I’ve sat on this for a while I figured I could share what I think about this game. I have A LOT of thoughts so buckle up. These are all just my personal opinions and I’m not some kind of Maddening/Classic player that is gonna analyze how the game is balanced or anything. Spoilers for the whole game btw.

Overall

In general, I definitely enjoyed this game. I think if Fates was only one route then it would honestly be pretty similar to this one.

Game play is fun, characters are amusing, if a bit flat in some cases (but honestly I was a little surprised with some of them). The story is kinda lacking, but some aspects of it were fun and even interesting.

Most of my gripes from this game come from me thinking about cool shit it totally had the set up and then it not doing anything with those cool things. Lots of missed opportunities for a game that has so many references to older games in the franchise.

I do think this game is a step down from three houses in terms of characters and story tho

I played in English with the Japanese audio and wow I’m not very happy with the translation. They leave out a lot of things and even change characterization pretty drastically in some cases (Louis’ “people watching” and Amber/Diamant’s entire support chain as a few examples). The English dub is pretty solid from what I’ve heard though

I didn’t really think about graphics or art design much with this game, but I will say the discrepancies between the in-game and rendered cut scene models was insane (I don’t mean quality, like these characters just look different). Also Sombron’s model was ugly as fuck. Also lots of clipping and also sometimes only one eye would move on a character and that was always a little jarring

Gameplay

Kinda hard to fuck up the basic gameplay in a fire emblem game tbh

My main gripe is that the difficulty difference between “normal” and “hard” is fucking insane. Hard is pretty fuckin’ infuriating, but normal is piss easy, I really needed an in-between difficulty there.

Also it’s really hard to grind characters if you leave them for too long since the skirmishes scale with your main story chapter (I know this is more similar to older games but I got used to being able to grind all my characters okay :p)

I miss the crit cut-ins :(

There’s so much shit to do in the Somniel it’s kind of overwhelming and a bit tedious after a few chapters

No weapon durability, which I personally enjoy

I don’t think the soundtrack is anything special, but there are definitely some cool tracks that I like a lot esp near the end of the game

POG you can be gay with everyone

Emblems

Aight let’s get the big boys out of the way

I LOVE the emblem mechanic. I think it’s super fun and creative. It adds another layer of customization to your units and the nostalgia factor is not lost on me either

Visually I think engaging is super fun, love that the outfits are a version of the emblem’s and the cool hair colors

I think inheriting skills from emblems is a super neat thing, esp if you have a unit that works well with multiple emblems (grinding SP is kind of a chore tho)

INSANE that they wrote three part supports for every character with every emblem, they’re fun I like that you can learn about the emblem and what game they’re from in all of those

I think their choice of characters for each emblem mostly made sense, there were definitely some choices that made me go ???, but I’m fine with them and I’m glad they tried to balance out the genders since a lot of fe lords are dudes

Emblem ring polishing really fucking weird, don’t like the sounds they make oh god, I avoided that shit like the plague

Classes

Big fan of the way they do classes in this game! Rather than weapon proficiency determining what class you can turn into, the class you pick determines your weapon proficiency (for example as a high priest you get access to B rank tomes, B rank fists and S rank staves)

You get weapon proficiencies from using emblems as well, and you gotta use the specific emblem that gives you that proficiency

The classes aren’t as customizable as they are in three houses, but there is more customization than in older games. For most martial classes you can pick what weapon they specialize in (paladins, hero, berserker, etc)

Because of the way weapon proficiencies work your access to better weapons is a little more sparse since they don’t want you buying silver weapons for everyone at level 10, I think they pace it pretty well tho

YEAH BOY THEY BROUGHT BACK THE AWAKENING 2ND SEAL TRICK

Some of the outfits for classes are kinda... (looking at you sage and warrior)

Kinda crazy that all the royals have their own special class. I like it for flavor obvi, but it’s funny since they’re a big chunk of your playable characters

Maps

Pretty good in general

I think some more variety in winning conditions would have been fun, almost all of them were “Defeat enemy commander” and then there were two “Escape” maps. The last 5 chapters or so all did something fun so I’m not too beat up about it really

Lotta dark maps on this one, more than we’ve had in a while I think

Mostly a me thing, but I’m mad you can’t rotate the map 360 degrees anymore

FUCK CHAPTER 17 UGH

THE EMBLEM TRIALS ARE SO FUCKING COOL OH MY GOD, maps that look like iconic maps from their original game?? Dude fire emblem fans are EATING (don’t even get me started on the music remixes AOUGH)

The last level is piss easy if you’re over leveled and I think it makes it less impactful because you can skip the fun unit thing it has set up

Combat

The addition of Break and Smash mechanics was pretty neat, I think they made the combat a little more dynamic

Weapon advantages matter even more now since you can break an enemy with them

Smash is cool since you can wack enemies around the map, I will say tho, you often do so much damage with the great weapons that you often kill the unit before even pushing them

Also depending on the unit, the fact that you have to tank a hit first can deter you from using them

Somniel

There’s so much shit going on on the Somniel and thankfully you can skip a decent chunk, but it does get more monotonous than three houses I think since you go back a lot more often

I wish there was a thing i could click that would gather all the items lying around for me, I’m lazy, make Sommie do it

Characters

I was pleasantly surprised with the characters in this game. I was expecting more of them to be boring and one note, but there’s a surprising amount of depth with some of these guys. Depth that was not shared equally mind you, but it’s there.

This game has a bigger cast than it needs I think, but it’s not bloated like Fates.

Supports/Interpersonal Dynamics

This is also a story flaw that I’ll get into later, but there’s not really any interpersonal conflict going on in this game, everyone’s pretty nice to each other and where it would make sense for there to be conflict there is none (and sometimes there’s random superficial conflict that doesn’t need to be there, read: white bitches being racist to Fogado)

I’m not saying I need characters to hate each other, but there’s very little character growth or reflection going on. Like the game makes a point to show you that each of the four kingdoms have very different values and ethics, so you’d think that would come up more, but tbh it only really does with the crown royals and their supports

Also Alcryst having beef with Ivy, but not Hortensia was a choice

I also think more people should have been upset with Veyle, like I think it would have been cool to see them have to overcome their feelings since the evil Veyle was quite literally someone else and they had to come to terms with that in some way.

Instead it all comes from Veyle being like “oh god I’m so sorry please let me atone somehow” when literally everyone is like “oh no sweat we’re chill”

EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH ALEAR PLEASE GIVE ME ONE PERSON THAT DOESN’T LIKE THEM IMMEDIATELY. AAAAAAA

Yo why doesn’t Alear act like they’re from a thousand years ago

Story

Setting

The world is pretty typical for a fire emblem game I think. You got a handful of kingdoms, one is kinda evil-ish, one is super peaceful and there’s probably a trade based, “free” kingdom, and another one rolled at random on a list of kingdoms, in this case one that’s obsessed with strength.

3 of the 4 kingdoms are allies/neutral and of course it’s just the “evil” kingdom picking fights, which I think is kinda stale esp since they’ve been at peace for a while. Not saying there needs to be a war or anything I just want more political intrigue and tension

Elyos has also been ruled by dragon gods since forever, never elaborated?? Where did normal people come from? Were they the same?

I’d love to learn more about what happened during those thousand years tbh

Also what was the world like a thousand years ago? I wanna know more about Gradlon, did people live there? How was Sombron as a king? What about the mage dragons?

Plot

There’s not much in the plot of this game that sets it apart from older fire emblem games

Like a good chunk of plot beats are very similar if not exactly the same as fates

MC is dragon child with mysterious past and everyone loves them immediately

Mom dies in your arms by jumping in front of something purple to save you within the first 5 chapters thrown by a hooded figure

You fight a resurrected version of your mom who is now a little evil and actively obstructing you

Evil kingdom king was controlled by evil dragon

You turn out to be the child of the evil dragon

Evil dragon is some bitch from another world

The antagonists are pretty comically evil until they die and then the game tries to redeem them or make them seem like round characters, but I don’t think you really get enough of that side for any of them. And it’s not like the pacing felt rushed, you were definitely just dicking around in there for a few chapters in the middle, those could have been used to flesh out the antags

They faked you out and made you think Alear was evil in the past, but oops nah he was nice then too

It was pretty obvious from the beginning that you were Sombron’s kid, and Veyle’s sibling, her evil reveal was pretty neat tho

Chapters 21, 22 and 24 went hard I will say. They had a lot of cool shit happen in there and even some stuff I wasn’t expecting! I’m still mad Alear wasn’t evil

COME ON SOMBRON’S FROM ANOTHER WORLD? AND HE’S JUST EVIL CUZ HE WAS A PISSY LONELY BITCH THAT MISSED HIS GHOST BF

Last level was equal parts cool and disappointing. I guessed correctly that Sombron would bring all the past antags as emblems which GOD IS SO FUCKING COOL, but they’re just like generic hooded figures which is so LAME. Like come on you’ve already put in this much to have a nod to the older games you can make a few more assets :/

Fell Xenologue Thoughts

Gonna be real I liked this vibe a little more than the main game’s vibe. No dlc is worth the money, but I at least didn’t regret buying this one.

Also the plot made me more emo than it should have gonna be real

THE FUCKING MUSIC GOES SO HARD. They only added a handful of tracks but they all slap

All the extra writing they did for the royals when they meet themselves or a retainer holy shit dude, some of those hurted

Setting

The setting is much more grimdark in this (as much as this game can be anyway). Just having conflict baked into the world does a lot for the vibe

The world is very bleak and filled with animosity, grief and pain but also those who would try to persevere despite that

Very fun seeing all the vibe swapped kingdoms even if they were quite superficial. Love the mirrored map too

Plot

Aight I think one of the themes for this dlc was love and aaaa I think that’s so sweet

Familial love between Nel & Nil/Rafal + Four Winds

Romantic love between Nel and her divine dragon

The distinct changes in the relationships between all the royal sibling duos I think also kinda focuses on the lack of familial love they share in this world vs your world

Also just how Rafal has just been searching for validation and meaning (i.e. love) and not getting it through his thick skull that everyone around him love him until the end

The twist villain was fun, I saw it coming, but not cuz the game was obvious I’m just too genre savvy (in fact I think a little foreshadowing could have been cool)

I think the Nel evil fake out was cool, but it was resolved way too fast, esp because they teased it in the trailer, but didn’t really go anywhere with it

I really liked the ending!

Nel saying she knew Rafal replaced Nil all along but still grew to care about him all the same

Nel saying she can’t bare to lose another sibling so instead she’d die to take Rafal’s pain away

Rafal refusing to let Sombron’s “curse” on the dragon stone dictate his actions. He was a shitter all of his own choice, he doesn’t regret it and he’d do it again

Not getting to tell Nel his true name before she died

Saying he’ll stay with her for a thousand years until she wakes up

Alear saying they are invited to come over to his world and Rafal in response saying no, but also that 1000 years is a long time so maybe that could change

THEM BEING THE LAST TWO PEOPLE ALIVE IN THIS WORLD

I get why, but I wish we didn’t get Nel and Rafal as units, because after having that whole emo ass see you later and knowing Alear has to wait 1000 years to see them again is so bittersweet, but then you literally get them back after the end credits because whoops I guess time moves differently there now

Characters

I like the dragon siblings a lot actually. They have interesting personalities and their dynamic is insane, especially after the thousand years when Rafal was able to reflect.

The other three however, Zelestia, Gregory and Madeline, I don’t like that much

They essentially took these villains who had fun quirks and were somewhat interesting, but sanitized them and made them SUPER boring.

I get what the devs were trying to do. They made the villains sympathetic and then created a way for you to have them on your team in some capacity. The thing is, these three are so different they are basically different characters, so it doesn’t even fulfill that want

Added on the fact that they don’t have supports with anyone outside of their squad so we don’t even get to see what other character’s reactions are to seeing people who look like the Four Hounds but aren’t them (not that there was much of a reaction anyway since according to Madeline they were all welcomed easily)

I think they should have just found a way to redeem the Four Hounds OR bring their other world counterparts but have the other world counterparts be more or less the same, but maybe fighting on the “good” side still with the dragon sibs

As for the personality swapped royals, I found some of them quite interesting like Alfred, Celine, Hortensia and Diamant. Alcryst was also fun but he was just quite literally a true opposite to himself. Fogado was fun but WHY was he like that. The game doesn’t tell me soooo. Timerra and Ivy were just funny, I’m sorry.

I think what they should have done is instead of just trying to make everyone a true opposite (still not over the Timerra being vegetarian and hating music) they should have taken one important part of the character and changed it, but then kept everything else the same.

Take Timerra. Keep the fact that she’s more stoic and less flexible in this world but maybe she still loves music, but doesn’t have time for it or it has less priority in her life

Stuff I Think Would Be Neat

This is just my “oh what if they did this?” section, it doesn’t really have much to do with my opinion on the game

I think if evil emblems talked this game would have been so fuckin juicy. Like you have fused with these people, they know everything about you, if they were evil they could tear you apart and I think that’s fuckin metal. I just want Marth to be evil and mean as a treat

Past Alear being actually evil would have been super interesting, esp if after dying a second time they only retained their evil memories and briefly turned on their allies

EVEN BETTER: if they made it a gameplay mechanic! Like Alear is red and fighting on the enemy phase

I think limiting the units you have on each map on the xenologue to the relevant royals and retainers would be good too. Since everyone is a default class anyway you don’t lose anything and it invites you to get all the special dialogue with the royals and retainers

And that’s all! If you made it all the way through this, wow thank you for reading all of my rambles. I really love the fire emblem franchise and even if this game wasn’t the best I still enjoyed myself while I played it. Until next time!

[anonabelle]

Red Angel's got a new partner to Prevent Harm with.

I’ve been working on this thing since the start of September and I am SO GLAD it is finally finished! I want to see this team up on screen SO BAD. SENDING ALL MY WISHES TO THE WIND.

(Art process timeline thing under the cut!)

At some point I want to make a gif out of all the process pics I took because there are quite a lot. Below is the condensed version, with all the major steps. The render stage took the most time to do because I really wanted to capture certain aspects of the show’s art direction that I really liked (and it took a lot of experimenting because coloring isn’t usually my favorite step).

concept > sketch > lineart > flats > render (bigger image here)

This thing started off as a mindless procreate sketch (far left) and the thought: “Raph would be so much bigger than Casey in this iteration, huh. That’s cute.”

And yeah, snowballed from there.

I think I’ve drawn Raph several times since, but this is probably the first time I’ve ever tried Cass. I love her. I should (and will) draw her more.

Screenshots I spent a lot of time staring at, especially Raph down there as I was trying to get the “manifesting mystic gauntlets” look right (accidentally lost a bunch of progress on it the other day. it was pain but i powered through :’) ).

I believe the backgrounds are from Hot Soup: The Game, which I had playing in the background at around the time I decided to think about the background for this illo. The Cass screenshot is from Rise, of course, and Raph is from the movie, juuust before he attempts to punch a krang in the face.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for reading and I hope it was... informative? Interesting? Here are my Rise-Raph-and-Casey feelings all wrapped up in a piece of art that I put my soul into. Thanks Rise crew, your work continues to inspire.

[sassygwaine]

parts of “unmasking autism” by devon price, phd that made me go oof

I do think when allistic people declare that everyone is a little Autistic, it means they are close to making an important breakthrough about how mental disorders are defined: why do we declare some people broken, and others perfectly normal, when they exhibit the same traits? Where do we draw the line, and why do we even bother doing so? (32)

All too often, the difference between who gets perceived as an innocent, shy Autistic and who gets viewed as creepy, awkward, and obviously disabled is more a function of things like race, gender, and body size than it is any innate difference in personality or behavior. (57)

I was basically a perpetual adolescent, performing intelligence for praise but mismanaging my personal life and not connecting with anyone in a deeper way. (85)

Once you’ve proven yourself capable of suffering in silence, neurotypical people tend to expect you’ll be able to do it forever, no matter the cost. (99)

When the entire world shames people for being into “childish” things, having odd mannerisms, or simply being irritating, you don’t need ABA to program you into compliance. Everyone around you is already doing it. (102)

Unfortunately, when an Autistic person complains about the sensory pain they’re in, people think they’re being overly dramatic, needy, or even downright “crazy.” … They acted as if I chose to be distracted and furious every day. (115)

We often seek out clear “rules” for good behavior, which we then adhere to rigidly, hoping they will keep us socially safe and finally render us worthy. (121)

When many of us were growing up, adults saw us as loud, stubborn, uncaring, overly reactive, and burdensome. We’ve grown up believing we truly are hard to be around, and to love. (144)

Today, his fiction readers tell him he’s fantastic at writing dialogue, and really understands how other people speak and feel. But it’s not because these things come naturally to him. He devoted thousands of hours to picking conversations apart to make sense of them. (161)

We’re more like the protagonist of the video game Katamari Damacy, a freaky, colorful demigod who rolls an ever-growing ball of objects around, each step forward attracting more random items into his ball’s expanding gravitational field until it engulfs the universe. We don’t complete discrete projects. We build worlds. (178)

It’s vital we learn to navigate interactions marked by conflict, and practice standing firm in the face of negative reactions from others. As long as we haven’t abused anyone or violated their rights, it’s okay for our actions to make others unhappy. (193)

At times, unmasking means teaching our neurotypical friends and family to treat us better; in other situations, it may mean disengaging from those who aren’t ever going to be worth the effort. (195)

[regarding friendships worth cultivating:] Who tells me honestly when I’ve hurt them, and gives me a real opportunity to do better? (205)

“I am not a math-minded type of Autistic…I am the kind who thinks about people obsessively.” (219)

In his writing, [Mike] Oliver described disability as a political status, one that is created by the systems that surround us, not our minds and bodies. (230)

Emotions that are too large, passions that are too childish and not profitable, habits that are too repetitive, and bodies and minds that require daily assistance all challenge this incredibly narrow definition of health. It is only by expanding our definition of what is acceptable human behavior and working to meet other people’s manifold needs that we can move forward. (233)

From the Tuskegee Syphilis Study, to Hans Asperger’s research on “high-functioning” Autistics, to the forced lobotomies performed on gay people and communists, immense violence has been done in the name of science and “protecting” the public. (247)

We all deserve to take a step back and ask whether our lives line up with our values, whether the work we do and the face we show to others reflects our genuine self, and if not, what we might want to change. (250)

[cloud9in]

You’re the only one who’s writing poppy x mc fics sooo, i have a request “ bea is a bad girl (like in a gang) in high school and also went jail couple of times for getting in trouble in high school senior year poppy was new transfer student and after 2 months bea join back school and met poppy bea and they just click yk like a connection slowly they started dating and in school everyone was shocked to see bea in a relationship ( bad girl and new girl) poppy is always worried about bea and few days before graduation bea got hurt really bad and poppy gives bea 2 options that she has to choose between her or her this (gang).. bea didn’t say anything to her so poppy left, after 2/3 years they met in college bea was a different person but so does poppy they become enemies (no one knows why they hate each other) one day they were arguing and poppy shout at her and says why you're back and bea put her hand on her cheek and smile and say i am here to win you back because i love you 😬

Promises (Poppy x MC)

Part 1/?

Can i just say I'm absolutely invested in this plot? You've got me hooked on my own story, as hectic as my life is, this is enjoyable to write. I hope you like it as well @iamsimpforpoppy

Word count: 1.8k (i got carried away)

“You know what to do Jackson, same old shit.”

“Yeah but it feels like a movie every damn time”, Bea responds confidently as she unbuckles her seatbelt. She sports a black mask with a yellow bandana, a vivacious color worn by only the Southside Spades, a notorious street gang who were known for robbery, and occasional blood.

Bea found herself wrapped up in the world of gangs when she turned sixteen. But before that the brunette would assist in transporting goods, also known as hardcore drugs. There was plenty enough to go around so Bea could indulge in any she wanted. Drugs didn’t give her the high she craved though, instead it was the thrilling game of cat and mouse with the cops.

Every now and then she’d get thrown in the slammer overnight. But this particular evening earns her one year in the NY State Penitentiary. See, the cops never gathered significant evidence to build a case against her, even though she was well aware of Detective Steinhelm who had some sick obsession with her. Following her everywhere, until Bea confronted her directly after noticing the same black sedan parked a street down from her house.

But she played the game right, and nothing ever led back to her. Until now.

“Where’s the money Bradley? I feel like I’ve been kissing your ass all week, the boss needs it now.”

A skinny blonde boy who looks like he had better days grunts in annoyance, “You’ll get your money...I’m just a little short right now.”

“Time’s up Ken doll, you know Carter will have your head for this.”

“Maybe he doesn’t have to know. Maybe this can be between us…”, Bradley strides carefully towards the blonde, a disturbing grin on his face which screams junkie. “Back the hell up now.”

Bea pulled her knife out with ease and pointed it towards him. She didn’t plan on actually using it. Murder was way out her budget for a simple money pickup but she knew that it would scare the boy easily. Except he kicked the blade out of her hold which prompted it to screech across the concrete before coming to a stop. Before Bea could think her fists reacted as she intercepted a punch that aimed straight for her jaw. She twists Bradley’s arm and he falls on his knees in pain. With his back to her, she kicks him down until he’s flat on his stomach.

“What is it exactly that you plan on doing now Bradley?” The blonde boy struggles under Bea’s foot but manages to reach around and slash at her ankle with a surprise shiv. Bea yelps in pain before kicking his head, rendering him unconscious.

“Stupid idiot. Had to make this harder than it should’ve been.”

Bea eventually finds the stash of money hidden under his mattress, an amateur hiding place at best. She congratulated herself for another job accomplished (kinda) and headed home. What the seventeen year old didn’t expect was the repulsive sound of a siren filling her ears as she stepped out onto her driveway. Her blood rushed to her head when she spotted Detective Steinhelm among the police officers surrounding her and retorts, “oh come on. I thought I told them about you harassing me. What do you want? Back here to strip search me again?”

The older woman only watches the blonde in eerie silence before smiling and gesturing to a police officer. “Beatriz Jackson you have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law-”

“What the actual fuck!” Bea yanks her arms out of the officers reach which initiates a struggle for dominance. This was nothing new to her, but it still felt sickening. Like she was some pet.

“You have the right to have a lawyer present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you if you so desire.” Detective Steinhelm finishes speaking and approaches the still scuffling blonde, “if you keep resisting I will tase you myself.”

Bea bites back the urge to headbutt the old hag right in her stupid face but she didn’t need any extra charges, for whatever the hell it was she was being charged for.

“Tell me why the fuck I am being arrested and I’ll calm down.”

That’s when Bea notices a familiar (bruised up) face from earlier. His smirk was enough to eat at her skin and she felt burning hot rage.

“Your blood was found at the scene of Mr. Denbroughs assault. You are being arrested in the case of second degree assault with intent to hurt someone with a deadly weapon.”

***

Bea only got one year in prison due to her kickass lawyer Ina Kingsley who played the minor card at every opportunity given. She also pointed out the fact that the knife wasn’t bloodstained, and Bradley never had any stab wounds so there is no proof the weapon was ever used against him. And it technically wasn’t. Good thing she didn’t bring a gun instead.

She did miss her 18th birthday though. And a few months of her senior year. But that’s what summer classes were for right?

All eyes were on the blonde when she returned, and whispers spread throughout the school about a certain new girl. Bea paid no mind to the fingers that pointed in her direction but the newcomer did manage to catch her attention, and pretty quick at that.

“Hey Jackson, how was solitary confinement?”

“I heard they make you use the bathroom right through the tiny food slot.”

Bea rolls her eyes and pelts a piece of not-so-fresh bread right at Ford’s head. The other people at the table join in on the laughter and Bea shakes her head and smiles, “it was Juvie you dumbass, and they made us sit in a circle together every Thursday like we were in an AA meeting.

“That’s jail for babies, goldilocks here wouldn’t last a minute in a real prison”, Carter joins them at the table with a cocky smirk, yet his eyes soften when landing on Bea. She shares a similar look with him knowing they’ll have a real conversation later. Because they definitely didn’t get to have that when Bea was getting dragged away to the police station in cuffs, and every event after that.

“It’s our girl’s first day out, we have to celebrate. And it’s not like she’s on probation...right Bea?”

“I do have a curfew, and I’m on juvenile probation so…when we partying?” The crew laughs as Bea shrugs. Her mother will deal with it. Zoey scoots in next to the blonde and wraps her arm around her shoulder in a side hug. “So glad to have you back Bea, and we are not risking you breaking parole so let’s just go to a sport’s bar tonight.”

Bea nods her head in agreement as the first warning bell goes off and everyone starts to clean up. Zoey taps on her arm and points towards one of the farther tables where a lone figure sits, wiping her hands with a napkin. All Bea saw were blonde tresses until she turned and they made brief eye contact.

“She’s the new girl, Poppy Min Sinclair. Rumor is she’s got a rich white daddy. You should totally invite her to the party.”

“And why would I do that?”

Zoey squints her eyes and leans in closer, her hands under chin in thought, “she seems like the broody type, you two would click.” She laughs at Bea’s comical expression but the blonde can’t bother to look in her direction, she’s way too wrapped up in what little the stranger a few tables away had to offer. She would sit on that thought, Bea was not one to shy away from anything.

***

The two became friends quicker than anyone could think.

One day after school, Poppy’s car wouldn’t start. It just didn’t comply. You would think she’d be poised and call her mechanic to come fix it, but instead the blonde slumped against the driver’s side window and let out a visibly frustrated, high-pitched yelp. Bea watched her pace around the car and even...kick?...the front bumper with her heels in efforts to wake it up.

“You know I may be wrong but I think that only makes it worse..” She approaches the helpless blonde with a small grin. Poppy’s persistence amazed her though, she’s never seen anyone determined to beat a car up. An expensive one at that.

“I hope you have some idea how to fix it, unless you’re here to waste my time and ask me on a date.”

Woah.

Okay that definitely threw Bea on a whim. She lets out a sharp laugh and bites her lips in amusement. She strolls towards the front of her car, holding Poppy’s gaze the whole way. She liked that the blonde didn’t avert her eyes. “And if I did? We couldn’t take your car of course, it’s obviously impaired.”

Poppy smiles and turns to look at Bea properly. She checks out every inch of her with no visible shame. An assessment so to say, and she likes what she sees.

“It’s your lucky day Poppy, I happen to know a thing or three about cars, and I desperately want to get this thing working so we can go on that date.” She winks playfully but god does she mean it. Bea silently prayed that the blonde wouldn’t take it the wrong way, but she knew she won when Poppy didn't protest, instead getting comfortable under some shade and holding her hand out, “the stage is all yours Jackson.”

***

“So what you’re trying to tell me is that I can’t jump over this obvious not-so-protected fence?”

“Judging by the sign right next to it that says...oh wow who would’ve thought, “DO NOT ENTER”, I don’t think so”, Poppy deadpans. It didn’t phase Bea of course because she was already halfway up the fence when the blonde turned away from the sign. The girl had a point to prove, maybe not a valid one, but still a point.

Poppy pinches her eyebrows in exasperation before looking back up to a nonchalant Bea swinging her legs from the top of the fence. She winks down at the blonde, “join me?”

Poppy didn’t expect to be climbing fences with a charismatic girl who had the same color hair as her when she moved schools, but she found herself embracing every moment of it. Although the trip up there was a struggle and some.

“I swear to god there’s a wire in my ass.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“And we’re both going to end up in the hospital. Get. me. Down.”

Bea tries to hold in her laughter the whole way down but lets it loose when she sees Poppy still up there, partly hovering in the air. “Pops...I’ll catch you, don't worry. Climb down slowly.” She doesn’t. But Bea had her feet planted and ready because any moment with the sassy blonde was unpredictable.  And she loved it. Especially because she had Poppy engulfed in her arms and they were so close their noses touched.

Bea promised herself she’d kiss the girl next time.

***

“You’re...in a gang?”

Bea felt a clasp of cold air enter her lungs as she stared ahead. It wasn’t like she could hide it from Poppy. She has a reputation, and word has gotten around about the two getting close. This was just like that one time at the end of sophomore year where Bea met Kelly Hall, a beautiful girl with golden rimmed glasses. Unfortunately she only could imagine what could’ve been after whispers ended up right on the doorstep of Kelly’s parents, and she suddenly changed her number, and switched out of every class she had with Bea.

The blonde didn’t want to entertain the thought of Poppy doing the same, but this was a lifestyle she chose.

“I mean...how?”

Bea sighs and turns to look at her, “I fell into the wrong crowd. Or maybe it’s the right one because I never found a true home until I met them. They’re family, I wouldn’t expect you to get it though and I understand if you want to distance-”

“I of all people know what it’s like to not fit in Jackson. You’ve found people who make you feel safe. Maybe I don’t agree with the troubles that come with being in a gang but I don’t know the whole story.”

“Do you want to?”

Poppy wraps her arms around Bea’s and lays her head on her shoulder, “I want to know that you won’t get yourself hurt but I know that’s nearly impossible.”

Bea exhales slowly, not knowing what to say. She knew that this would upset Poppy but her acceptance meant more. She didn’t know what this would mean for the two of them, if there was a “them”, but she felt more encouraged to share more of her other life with the blonde.

“Just promise me one thing Jackson.”

“Yeah?”

Poppy’s voice comes out softer than expected, and Bea ingests every emotion that comes with it, “Promise me you won’t ever put yourself in a position where you have to choose between me or the gang.”

Bea finds her hand in the space where their thighs touched and latches onto it like a lifebuoy,

“I promise.”

***

“I just remembered something Poppy.”

“What, that you have half a brain cell? I thought that was established Jackson.”

Bea launches a pillow that (purposely) misses Poppy’s head by an inch. If she actually hit her and frizzed up her locks then she’d never hear, or see..or walk again.

“I’m being serious. I just remembered this too, we never went on that car date we talked about.”

Poppy squints her eyes in confusion, but was fully aware of what Bea was referring to. “You mean the first time we met?”

The blonde smiles to herself as she replayed that day in her head over and over again. She couldn’t decide if Bea’s openly flirty behavior is what drew her in or if it was her ability to fix any of her possessions with ease. And for free.

Bea pulls Poppy up by her hands until her back is against the lockers. Another perfect opportunity for the blonde to make do of that promise she made to herself, but something told her to wait just a bit longer. “So what do you say? Poppy Min Sinclair, will you go on a date with me?”

Poppy rolls her eyes playfully, pulling Bea in closer by the collar of her letterman, “now who’s being dramatic?”

“I didn’t hear a no”

“I think you know what the answer is.”

That night Zoey helped Bea prep for her first date with the girl that she could say she was almost in love with. The taller girl brushed some dust off of Bea’s jacket and planted her hands on her shoulders, “remember Jackson, give her the ride of her life. And I mean that in every way possible.”

Thanks Zoe.

Bea watched Poppy drive up in front of her house and something inside her mind couldn’t deny the pang her heart let out when she saw Poppy smile the way she did.

Bea took control of the driving and told Poppy to recline her seat and enjoy the ride, with her seatbelt on of course. Safe sacrifices. They cruised through an empty highway blasting Poppy’s spotify playlist named “Rich Bitch Songs” because that was their ideal perfect date. It’s amazing that the two could even come to an agreement, but here we are.

She watched the beautiful blonde sing her lungs out and couldn’t help but mirror her joy, taking her hands off the steering wheel. The pump of adrenaline prompts a new excitement in the air and Poppy wraps Bea into a secure hug, her hair flying wildly with the wind. Bea slows the car down but the rapid beating of her heart made it seem they were going 100 miles per second.

“I feel so alive Jackson.”

Bea stared at the girl in the passenger seat with a look that could only be described as love.

“You make me feel alive.”

Poppy kept talking and Bea found a way to focus on both the road and the blonde next to her. Because when you truly enjoy something, you’ll find a way to keep experiencing it. And Bea enjoyed hearing Poppy’s voice, she loved everything about her.

“I feel like kissing you.”

“Then what’s stopping you?”

“...Nothing. I should’ve done this a long time ago.”

They kiss when Bea pulls over.  A hot feeling consumes them like fire when their tongues collide and Bea plants her hands around Poppy’s hips, pushing her back into her seat until she’s on top. The windows easily start to fog up in reaction to the heat, and not once did they take their hands off each other.

Promise 1/2 kept

--------------------------------------------------------

End Note: This chapter was to build their relationship, more angst incoming. BIG THANKS to @somewillwin for letting me use Jackson <3333

Taglist: @samanthadalton @somewillwin @clowneryme @baexpoppy @poppysmc @doey-eyes8 @veenast @straightlikewetspaghetti @phoennixxsblog @a-ghost-girl

[becomewings]

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life <I’M FINE>

   BTS Universe Story Highlights, pt. 3 / 4

« pt. 2  |  » pt. 4

Introduction

The following sections for JiMin’s and HoSeok’s arcs are 4.5k and 4k, respectively. As with pt.2 of the series, I have included “tl;dr commentary” at the bottom of the post after a section of additional thoughts. This commentary summarizes the parenthetical asides I made throughout the summaries and may be of interest as standalone reading to those who have already played the game yet would like to review its connections to the BU texts and MVs.

Content warning: contains references to death, suicide, suicidal ideation, child abuse, domestic violence, blood, homicide, depression, trauma, PTSD

This guide contains major spoilers and includes references to other BU media

Do not repost, copy, or quote without permission

Stopped Time

SeokJin’s primary goal in JiMin’s story is to free him from the hospital psychiatric ward to which his parents have him committed before he gives up on life. Much like his sudden, unexplained absence in The Notes 1, JiMin is not even present in the first two episodes except for an introductory cutscene. In a hospital hallway on an unspecified date, he plays on the colored tiles and stops when he reaches “the line” by the exit door. (This line marks the end of the psychiatric ward and is first described in his 11 May Year 22 entry in The Notes 1.) Everything goes black except for JiMin and the door. A nurse taps him on the shoulder, bringing him back to reality, and hands him pills.

The playable story begins on 22 April Year 22 with SeokJin attending a meeting organized by the patrons of the Songho Foundation. Seo HyunJung, the city’s Deputy Mayor, suggested it to SeokJin’s father, Kim ChangJun, at the inauguration ceremony. (SeokJin attends the inauguration ceremony on 11 April in many loops; it plays out in episode 2 of JungKook’s arc.) SeokJin scans over the crowd, reflecting that while the pretext of the meeting is to discuss community development, in reality it is a social gathering to advance individual careers. These sessions make him uncomfortable, but this time he is attending of his own accord with the intention of meeting someone.

This someone is a woman who actually approaches him first, introducing herself as Sim SeonMi. SeokJin knows that she is JiMin’s mother. He has met her in previous loops but needs to pretend that this is their first time meeting. His goal is to bring up JiMin naturally and persuade her to discharge him from the hospital. Before he can broach the subject, the high school principal, Jo JinMyung, joins them. SeokJin uses his arrival as an opportunity to bring up school and guide the conversation toward JiMin by first asking if they know each other. “We’ve met a few times at gatherings. I was told her child used to be a student at our school,” answers Jo JinMyung. “Ah, really? I attended Jeil High too,” says SeokJin. Sim SeonMi looks taken aback, and he asks for her child’s name. She tries to avoid the question by saying that they probably won’t know each other due to their age gap, but when pressed again she relents. “His name is Park JiMin.” “I know JiMin! We were close. Is JiMin doing okay?” SeokJin responds brightly, wondering if she will provide an empty lie. Instead, she excuses herself with the claim that she needs to greet someone else.

SeokJin quickly wraps up with the principal and begins to casually approach her again. He stops when he overhears two women mention her name. “There’s no gathering she doesn’t attend these days. Looks like her husband’s star is on the rise, thanks to her efforts…” The player has the choice to listen quietly or butt in. If SeokJin stands by, they speculate that she was invited because her husband’s company is one of the patrons. If he interrupts, they caution him to stay away from her. In both routes, SeokJin learns that Sim SeonMi doesn’t have the best reputation and that rumors of her hospitalized son are spreading. Their blame on her helps explain what underlay her hysteric responses in previous loops.

Though it’s uncomfortable, SeokJin reapproaches her when she is alone. She greets him a little coldly. “You don’t have to be so formal to me. I’m JiMin’s friend,” he assures. “Is that so? How friendly you are.” Sim SeonMi smiles awkwardly and keeps looking elsewhere as though for an escape. “It would’ve been nice if JiMin’s father was here… He’ll join me another time, so you can say hello to him then.” “Yes. I’ll make sure to bring my father along then,” SeokJin replies, hoping to snag her attention. Her eyes change at the mention of his father. “Shall we do that, then? It’ll be even better with the Assemblyman.” SeokJin brings up JiMin again by either asking if he still attends Jeil High or how he’s doing. Her uneasy answers are “These days? Yes… Of course” or “...He’s fine,” respectively. SeokJin requests JiMin’s phone number, rendering her silent for a long moment. “That’s a bit difficult. I’m not sure I can give out JiMin’s contact information without his approval.” SeokJin attempts to convince her by stating that they were close friends in school yet lost contact when he studied abroad. But all he gets from her is, “Then I’ll ask JiMin, and make sure to contact you if he says it’s okay.” Sim SeonMi taps him on the shoulder and quickly walks away.

By 25 April, SeokJin still hasn’t heard from JiMin’s mother, so he decides to visit her and reveal that he knows JiMin was admitted to an inpatient psychiatric ward. Uncle JunHo, his father’s secretary, intercepts him before he leaves the house and asks where he’s going. SeokJin either answers that he is heading to school or meeting a friend to work on assignments. He declines a ride from JunHo in the first path but can’t conjure an excuse to not accept in the second. In both, JunHo comments that it’s not easy being the family of a public official and that he noticed SeokJin engaged in a long conversation with Sim SeonMi at the meeting. SeokJin explains that she is his friend’s mother, and JunHo advises him not to get too friendly with her because she doesn’t have a great reputation. In the second path, he also adds information about JiMin’s father that catches SeokJin’s attention because he has not heard anything about the man. Apparently Park JinWook is one of the foundation’s board members. ‘He’s pretty remarkable. He entered as a researcher and became a board member… The one thing that people like him want most is connections,” JunHo muses. He cautions SeokJin to “be wary of any advances [he] can see the intent of.”

The scene cuts to the exterior of an apartment building after SeokJin has either driven himself or been dropped off nearby by JunHo. He considers the public assessment of JiMin’s mother: she works hard to elevate her husband’s status but ignores her own son in favor of the family’s reputation. Sim SeonMi happens to step outside before SeokJin enters the building. She looks wary when he says, “I haven’t heard from you, so I decided to come see you myself.” In an effort to persuade her, SeokJin begins with either “I want to see JiMin” or “I came to see you because I know everything.” In the first path, she lies about not getting in touch with JiMin yet because he is studying abroad in the U.S. SeokJin is stunned by this egregious falsehood. “From what I’ve heard… JiMin’s locked up in a hospital. He’s at the Gyeong Il Hospital, isn’t he?” A similar reaction occurs in the second path from the point of SeokJin mentioning the hospital. Sim SeonMi hardens and objects to the phrase “locked up,” stating that JiMin is an inpatient because he is sick. “SeokJin, I appreciate that you’re worried about JiMin… But I’m his mother, and that means I know what’s best for him.” The paths converge as she tries to leave, claiming they have nothing left to discuss. Persuading her to release JiMin from the hospital seems impossible. “I’ll look into it on my own. I’m going to see JiMin, no matter how hard you try to stop me,” SeokJin warns. Sim SeonMi glares at him, voice low and cold. “‘SeokJin. If I can give you a word of advice… Adults have reasons for everything they do. You should forget about this.”

The beginning of episode 3 visits JiMin’s perspective on 27 April. He has relocated temporarily to the surgical ward due to an injured wrist. After treatment, he returns to his hospital room to find his mother arranging some items she brought. JiMin approaches nervously, wondering if she thinks he has caused a problem again. “It doesn’t look too bad, thankfully,” she remarks, glancing at his wrist. Her concern is unfamiliar yet welcome. “Do you know a Kim SeokJin? He said he attended Jeil High.” The mention of SeokJin surprises JiMin, but he tries to answer passively because of her angry tone. “Yes, but why are you suddenly ask—” “Did you contact him?” Sim SeonMi interrupts, halting her organizing to stare at him. “Why are you so immature? Do you ever think of anyone outside of here?” Injury throbbing, JiMin doesn’t know how to respond. “If you want to leave, tell me why you’re doing this. Tell me instead of embarrassing me by contacting some random person! Is that why you hurt your wrist? To rebel?” she demands. JiMin tries to explain this isn’t true, but she doesn’t listen. “I’m really tired, too. How many years has it been? How long do I have to suffer because of you?” Sim SeonMi leaves, the rant having done little to expend her anger. JiMin knows that her worries are pointed at herself, not at him; he is someone who makes life harder for her. He decides not to talk about anything else because he doesn’t want to make things even more difficult for her.

The story cuts to SeokJin loitering outside Gyeong Il Hospital, mulling over what action to take since JiMin is moving out of the surgical ward that day. (The date is unspecified in the game, but in The Notes 1, he is scheduled to return to the psychiatric ward on 16 May.) SeokJin knows that he will be the first suspect if JiMin disappears now and that he must act carefully since he was unable to persuade JiMin’s mother. As the day grows dark, he spots Sim SeonMi rushing into the hospital on her second visit. SeokJin hurries after her, worried that something happened to JiMin. The panicked voices of a medical team emerge from JiMin’s room. Doctors crowd around someone laying on the bed. “No, JiMin!” SeokJin hears Sim SeonMi scream followed by the sound of shattering glass.

The loop resets, and the game rejoins SeokJin on 10 May standing at a road and reflecting on the last failure. “If JiMin isn’t saved while he’s in the surgical ward, he makes his choice days after he returns to the closed ward. But it happened too quickly this time. What pushed him?” he wonders. He recalls Sim SeonMi’s final words before the loop ended. “No, JiMin! I’m sorry. I was wrong! You can see your friends; you can do anything you want… So please, open your eyes!” SeokJin realizes that he may have caused Sim SeonMi to act out of the ordinary, which in turn affected JiMin’s choice. It’s his fault, and he made JiMin suffer more. He thinks, “Even though I’ve experienced losing my friends before… No matter how many times it repeats… It never gets any easier.” SeokJin decides to abandon persuading JiMin’s mother to avoid provoking her and reverts his plan to sneaking JiMin out like in earlier loops. But first, he must focus on a more pressing issue—rescuing HoSeok after he collapses on the bridge that day.

After a cut, HoSeok awakens in SeokJin’s car and is shocked to see him. “Wow, is it really you? How long has it been?” “Lean on me for a bit longer. You didn’t hurt yourself when you fell?” SeokJin checks. HoSeok assures him that he’s all right and asks how SeokJin saw him. When SeokJin says he was just passing by, HoSeok remarks, “Wow! That’s so weird. Thanks for saving me.” It’s the first time SeokJin has heard something like this. He remembers JiMin in a previous loop telling him, “This is where I should be.” Does JiMin really want to leave the hospital? SeokJin believed that he did, but now he’s less confident. “HoSeok. If you had someone in front of you who wanted to die because living was too difficult… What would you do?” he asks. HoSeok answers without hesitation, “Well, I would help them.” “Even if that person doesn’t want my help?” says SeokJin. “ Isn’t helping them the right thing to do? Even if you don’t know why they want to die… They need to keep living for something to change,” HoSeok muses.

SeokJin drops HoSeok off at Two Star Burger before returning to the hospital alone, his friend’s words sticking with him. Even though JiMin isn’t guaranteed to be happy when he leaves the hospital, he needs to stay alive to have even the opportunity for happiness. Still uncertain how to proceed, SeokJin heads to the hospital lounge to organize his thoughts before visiting JiMin. Through an open door, he spots JiMin trudging down a hallway. SeokJin either calls out to him or watches him, but the latter is the result regardless because JiMin doesn’t hear him in the first path. JiMin stares at the door as people come and go and eventually returns to his room.

On 7 May, JiMin roams the hallways of the 5th floor surgical ward. He was moved there about ten days earlier after he ran into someone and fell. The surgical ward is not too different from the psychiatric one: the hallway is a little longer, and it has a lounge in the middle. But the freedom to move around in this space brings him joy that he doesn’t have in the psychiatric ward. He even wanders around at night when no one is around and dances in the lounge. Despite this newfound freedom, his body stops at the same point in the hallway—where the psychiatric ward ends four floors above him. After reaching his line again, JiMin returns to his room. He assumes a student occupied the bed before him because he finds a forgotten workbook in the nearby drawers. Remembering that he used this workbook in school, he flips through and reads the notes scribbled in the margins. “I want to go to a PC cafe, too…” he murmurs, spotting the note “wanna go to the PC cafe later?” JiMin finds a haphazardly folded paper tucked into the pages and unfolds it curiously. “Career… plan?”

The story cuts to 10 May with SeokJin, from a hidden vantage point, watching JiMin sit in the hospital lounge and read a book. It reminds him of their days in the classroom hideout. “He seems okay right now.” SeokJin receives a call from Uncle JunHo about the scheduling of a Songho Foundation seminar. During their conversation, a loudspeaker announcement summons JiMin to the 2nd floor physical therapy room. He drops the book and runs out of the lounge. Once finished with the call, SeokJin tries to find the book JiMin was reading. He doesn’t see it among those scattered around the lounge and thinks that JiMin must’ve had a reason to hide it. Hoping it will provide him a clue to understanding his friend, SeokJin hunts around either the window or trash can with no luck before turning to the vending machine. After scooting a bookcase out of the way, he is finally able to rescue the item. SeokJin deduces that the workbook doesn’t belong to JiMin because it’s Year 2 material and JiMin was admitted to the hospital in his first year. He finds the detached sheet with two different types of handwriting and determines which belongs to JiMin. The game provides a quick flashback shot of JiMin filling out the paper. “Aspiring Career Path: Will I be able to go to university too? Scholastic Activities: What should I learn in Year 2… Extracurricular Activities: Join the dance club HoSeok started.” SeokJin wonders what JiMin felt as he wrote in the answers. He considers how JiMin people-watched from the hallway and looked happy reading the workbook. “You want to leave, don’t you?” SeokJin thinks. “Let’s get out of here. So you can be the one to decide what kind of life you want to live.” He resolves to break JiMin free.

On 11 May, JiMin stops at the invisible line in the hallway again. He stares at the door before turning around and bumping into someone. He is shocked speechless when he realizes that it’s SeokJin. The next episode continues from this moment but switches to SeokJin’s perspective. He calms JiMin down before bringing him to the lounge, giving the excuse that he was in the hospital to visit someone else. JiMin’s cheeks are hollowed, his hands skinnier than normal. SeokJin wonders if he can inspire JiMin to act if he tells him that he’ll be able to do all of the things he wrote on the career plan once he leaves the hospital. He either asks, “JiMin, are you injured?” or “How long have you been in the hospital?” In both paths, JiMin refers to his wrist injury and the time he’s been in the surgical ward rather than the psychiatric one. He looks grim when he can’t give a proper answer to either “When do you get discharged?” or “Are you sick?” “I think I have to go now. It’s almost time for treatment, too…” JiMin stands to leave, avoiding his gaze. SeokJin rushes after him and blocks his path, knowing this might be their last chance to speak if they say goodbye already. “JiMin, I’m here because I know everything. You want to leave this place, don’t you? You’ve been here for two years.” JiMin steps back but doesn’t run away. “I just happened to hear… how your mother locked you in the psychiatric ward,” SeokJin explains. JiMin shakes his head with a frightened expression. “No. I’m here because I’m sick.” His eyes falter when SeokJin presses, “JiMin, I can help you. Let’s get out of here together.”

Short flashbacks play from JiMin’s perspective alongside his thoughts: “At first, I wanted to leave. I called my mom and cried until my voice went hoarse, asking her to take me home. That I didn’t want to stay here. But she didn’t listen. Because this is where I should be…” Aloud, JiMin speaks in a voice that sounds like he has given up on everything. “Even if I leave, I’ll eventually come back.” SeokJin shakes his head. “What’s important is how you feel. JiMin, you really want to stay here? That’s okay with you?” Depending on the players’ choice, he either continues, “Do you really not have anything you want to do?” or “‘You really want to stay here in the hospital?” In the first path, SeokJin tries to remind him of something he must want to do like studying or dancing. “I don’t… have anything like that,” JiMin lies. In the second path, JiMin says it’s better for him in the hospital because outside people treat him like a freak. SeokJin remembers the women whispering about Sim SeonMi and her hospitalized son at the Songho Foundation meeting. In both paths, JiMin is pale and shaky. SeokJin decides to ask one more time. “You don’t want to go outside and see your friends?” JiMin seems to perk up at the mention of “friends,” but he does not respond or lift his gaze. SeokJin’s parting words are, “Think about it, JiMin… I’ll come back to visit again.”

The next day (12 May), SeokJin reflects on his failure to persuade both JiMin and his mother. “What can I do to help JiMin get over his fear and gain courage?” he wonders. The career plan comes to mind again with JiMin’s notes of college, studying, and dancing—the things he wants to do outside of the hospital. This prompts SeokJin to remember a day in the classroom hideout when he filmed HoSeok dancing. On the sidelines, TaeHyung complimented HoSeok’s moves and asked if JiMin could dance like that. Gaze full of envy and longing, JiMin answered, “No. How could I do that?” “HoSeok! JiMin says he wants to try!” TaeHyung called. Flustered, JiMin tried to stop him, but HoSeok looked over. “Do you want to try?” JiMin insisted that he couldn’t, but TaeHyung pushed him forward and HoSeok gladly demonstrated the routine. JiMin hesitated at first to attempt it alone but began to move at their encouragement. In the present, SeokJin believes that he has found an answer in this memory. “TaeHyung, who pushed him forward… and HoSeok, who believed that he could do it. Maybe one of those two will help JiMin muster up the courage.”

SeokJin picks TaeHyung to help him persuade JiMin, considering that he was the first person to notice how JiMin was feeling when they watched HoSeok dance and helped JiMin take action when he hesitated. (We know from The Notes 1 that SeokJin’s later, successful choice ends up being HoSeok instead.) On 13 May, SeokJin visits TaeHyung’s convenience store to explain JiMin’s situation, and TaeHyung immediately agrees to help. Late that night and with little planned, they sneak into JiMin’s hospital room. Sensing their presence, JiMin turns on the light and is especially surprised to see TaeHyung. “We’re here to get you out of here, JiMin,” he says. “Did you think about it?” SeokJin asks. When JiMin hesitates, TaeHyung presses him to answer honestly. “Park JiMin, do you like being here? Staying here is awful! Let’s leave. You can think when we’re outside.” TaeHyung forces JiMin to his feet even as he hesitates and protests about the impending night rounds, although he does not push TaeHyung’s hand away. SeokJin knows this is hasty but decides to trust TaeHyung. Out in the hallway, he reflects that if even he spoke the same words, JiMin would not agree. SeokJin has encountered moments like this before where his friends solve problems that he cannot fix alone. “TaeHyung seems to be JiMin’s answer, just like YoonGi needed JungKook,” SeokJin thinks. (JungKook saving YoonGi is not a solution that played out in YoonGi’s story, but this is a familiar theme from Notes 1 and forward.)

The elevator arrives as they turn the corner, its doors opening to reveal Sim SeonMi. SeokJin warns, “Hide. It’s JiMin’s mom.” She walks past without noticing them. SeokJin quickly presses the elevator button, but it has already left. “JiMin, quick!” TaeHyung calls. “TaeHyung, I just…” “You can’t look back,” TaeHyung says firmly. He and SeokJin pull JiMin towards the stairwell, but JiMin stops walking. “What’s wrong?” asks TaeHyung. JiMin’s expression is on the verge of crying yet also angry. “I can’t,” he whispers. “Park JiMin, we don’t have time for this—” TaeHyung is interrupted by Sim SeonMi’s distant voice. “Where’d he go? The bathroom?” SeokJin tugs JiMin’s arm, but he looks afraid again. “SeokJin, I… I can’t do this. I don’t think I can.” SeokJin either soothes JiMin himself or has TaeHyung talk to him. In the first path, he takes JiMin’s trembling hand. “It’s safe for me here.” JiMin shakes his head. “No, JiMin. Something bad will happen if you stay here,” SeokJin cautions. “No, I have to stay here. That’s what’s right. I want to stay here,” JiMin insists. In the second path, SeokJin shoots TaeHyung a look, and TaeHyung in turn scans over JiMin. The tapping sound of shoes rings through the silent hallway. TaeHyung begins, “JiMin, if you stop here…” The paths rejoin when Sim SeonMi spots them and calls to JiMin, face livid as she approaches. “Oh… Mom.” The color drains from JiMin’s face. “Please… Please! Can’t you just stay put?” she demands sharply.

TaeHyung attempts to intervene, introducing himself as JiMin’s friend. Sim SeonMi does not look at him even when he explains that JiMin didn’t expect their visit and they were just taking him outside so as not to disturb the sleeping patients. SeokJin chimes in too, hoping their flimsy excuse will work, but Sim SeonMi orders JiMin back to his room. Looking defeated, JiMin trudges out of sight. Sim SeonMi finally turns her gaze on SeokJin, regarding him with the same expression as she utters the same words from the last loop. “I didn't know you were JiMin’s friend.” She warns them not to visit him again like this because he is very sick and it will interfere with his treatment. Before coldly turning to leave, she touches TaeHyung’s shoulder for a moment. (This same gesture was given to HoSeok in the hospital after JiMin’s seizure at the bus stop on 15 September Year 20 in Notes 1.) Her presence is like a wall separating them from JiMin. (SeokJin’s observation echoes HoSeok’s feeling that she was drawing an uncrossable line between them that September.) TaeHyung yells after her, “What’s wrong with him?! You can’t even spare the time to talk to us?!” SeokJin cautions him to stop. “Let me go! JiMin! Park JiMin!” TaeHyung’s voice rings loudly in the hallway, but no one answers. As they leave the hospital, he asks, “Do you think JiMin will be okay?” SeokJin cannot respond because he knows the truth: when JiMin returns to the psychiatric ward, he always makes the same awful choice.

The story cuts to JiMin sitting on his hospital bed and staring at his feet, unable to face his mother. He regrets following SeokJin and TaeHyung. “It was a lie, wasn’t it?” Sim SeonMi asks. “What those kids said earlier. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” JiMin apologizes, throat catching. “What were you going to do? What could you possibly do outside of this place?” she demands. JiMin remembers all the things he thought about alone in the lounge: going to school, making friends, and learning dance from HoSeok again. “I want to live a regular life. It’s nothing that special. Why is it that I’m not allowed to dream?” he thinks. “JiMin, let’s focus on getting better first. When you’re all better… I’ll let you do whatever you want once you’re discharged. But you know that now isn’t the time. Let’s do it when you’re back to normal,” Sim SeonMi advises with a power in her voice that he can’t fight. Questions pile up in his head: what is getting better, and what is normal? But he holds it in and nods, not wanting to make things any more difficult for her. “Okay, Mom. I will…” As he speaks, it dawns on him that he’ll never get to leave the hospital.

JiMin moves back to the psychiatric ward after SeokJin and TaeHyung’s visit. The place is still the same: a man mutters that he’s not crazy; a child stays glued to the window, waiting for their mom. “And then there’s me, unable to progress because I’m locked in the past. If nothing changes even as time flows, how is it any different than time standing still?” On 19 May, JiMin stands in the bathroom with the water running. He sees and hears the falling drops as rain and smells a sharp stickiness. Reflected in the water in the sink, he sees a vision of himself on “that day.” (This is referring to 6 April Year 11 and the events of the arboretum, first introduced in that dated entry in The Notes 1 and revealed in full on 12 August Year 22 of The Notes 2.) “...I hate it.” JiMin covers his eyes. “I want to forget everything. I want to rest.” The glass shatters, concluding his arc.

Someone Left Behind

HoSeok’s story opens on 11 May Year 22 with SeokJin providing some chronological context. So far, he has not made it to June once in the loops because HoSeok collapses from his narcolepsy and JiMin is still trapped in the hospital. SeokJin can encounter JiMin naturally if he admits HoSeok to the hospital after his collapse on 10 May, but HoSeok has an accident in the hospital stairwell and falls into despair over his leg injury. (10 May is the date HoSeok collapses and wakes up in the hospital in The Notes 1, and this is likely the moment referenced by his bridge scene in the I Need U MV.) Even if SeokJin prevents that accident or helps HoSeok avoid admittance to the hospital entirely, his narcolepsy grows worse over time after 10 May. SeokJin determines that he needs to control HoSeok’s narcolepsy in order to save him, and he heads to Two Star Burger where HoSeok works to begin earnestly investigating.

A cutscene plays out at the restaurant: HoSeok, wearing a manager’s tag, watches two friends eating at a table while someone places their order with him. His expression is distant and briefly sad until he catches himself and smiles brightly at the customer. When the door chimes, he greets the new visitor and realizes it’s SeokJin. This is apparently their first time meeting in this loop because HoSeok heard from the other guys that Seokjin returned. SeokJin asks how he’s doing, and HoSeok replies, “Me? Same as usual.” SeokJin knows that “same as usual” means HoSeok’s life has a set, monotonous routine: working his part-time job, going to dance practice, and occasionally visiting the children’s home. Sometimes, he also comes to the bridge over the river and watches the scenery. The scene transitions to this location later at night as SeokJin narrates this. He stands at a distance so HoSeok doesn’t see him. HoSeok’s out-of-character, melancholy expression worries SeokJin. He hasn’t observed any changes to his friend’s daily routine, and HoSeok hasn’t collapsed recently—so why does he keep collapsing on 10 May?

The narrative cuts to 3 May. (I double-checked the dates and can only assume that this is a new loop, although a reset is not specifically mentioned—or else the opening date was a typo.) SeokJin mulls the situation over alone for a while but ends up going to NamJoon out of frustration. NamJoon and HoSeok share similarities, and they’re both responsible for other people. Believing that NamJoon knows HoSeok best, SeokJin visits his container. NamJoon greets him warmly. JungKook is already there, killing time after school. SeokJin mentions that he saw HoSeok a few days earlier at Two Star Burger but couldn’t really talk to him because he was busy. NamJoon suggests inviting him to join them after work and bring some hamburgers too since JungKook is hungry. SeokJin either calls HoSeok himself or lets JungKook call. In the first path, HoSeok says he’ll come as soon as SeokJin mentions that a few of them are together. In the second path, while JungKook is on the phone, SeokJin asks NamJoon how HoSeok is and learns that he practices dance at the cultural center every day. SeokJin wonders if HoSeok is pushing himself too hard. The paths rejoin: before HoSeok arrives, SeokJin inquires about his narcolepsy too. NamJoon doesn’t know much except that he’s still taking medication for it and seems to be doing okay. It seems that no one dares to bring it up since HoSeok doesn’t speak about it openly. The conversation trails off while they wait, although it’s not awkward—it reminds SeokJin of old times together.

HoSeok arrives with a cheerful greeting, wafting in the smell of fresh hamburgers. “These hamburgers were hand-made by the employee of the month!” He rustles through the bags and produces a kid’s meal boxed toy, giving it to JungKook. “Here’s your Children’s Day gift!” JungKook pouts that he’s not a kid but seems pleased to receive a gift even though it’s a couple days early. HoSeok explains that he has to be at the children’s home on 5 May. NamJoon asks if they’re hosting an event that day. “It’s not really an event… I’m going to see the families,” says HoSeok. He plans to bring hamburgers and play with the kids rather than bring gifts. SeokJin is surprised to hear that almost twenty children, ranging from young kids to high schoolers, live at the home. “‘That’s more than I expected. It must be fun when everyone plays together.” HoSeok invites him to come along to take photos of everyone, and SeokJin agrees with a high-five. NamJoon declines because he’s too busy, and JungKook hesitates. HoSeok assures him not to feel pressured, causing SeokJin to reflect on how he has always been the “mood-maker” whose cheerful personality eases awkward situations and defuses disagreements. While lost in thought, he notices HoSeok taking out his medication. “How are you these days? Do you feel better?” NamJoon checks. “Hmm. I don’t have any symptoms, but I shouldn’t be skipping these.” A grim expression flashes across HoSeok’s face. SeokJin thinks, “It doesn’t mean he’s alright just because he smiles in front of people.” He guesses that HoSeok must feel scared of his condition, not knowing when he’ll collapse next. It’s not enough for SeokJin to prevent the accidents he can see or to stop HoSeok from getting injured—he must save him from the fear that isn’t visible. SeokJin resolves to find out what makes him collapse. Even if the condition isn’t curable, discovering the cause might help HoSeok get better.

On 5 May, SeokJin meets up with HoSeok at the children’s home, which is located near Yangji Stream. HoSeo looks happy and explains that visiting there is like coming home. They bring their respective gifts of hamburgers and snacks inside, and all the kids rush to HoSeok in excitement. One of the home’s staff greets them. HoSeok introduces her as Kim JungHee. He calls her “auntie” and regards her as someone who has been like a mother to him. As SeokJin helps her set the table with food, he thinks that the children’s home feels like an ordinary family home and HoSeok looks like the dependable older brother among all the kids. After taking all the requested pictures later, SeokJin joins HoSeok to watch the children play outside. “You’re on good terms with the kids,” he observes. “I’ve only been out of the children’s home about three months now, so I know them all,” HoSeok explains. (He moved into his rooftop room on 25 Feb Year 22 according to that date’s Note accompanying the Persona album.) SeokJin either comments, “Auntie seems like a great person. She treated me well and we’ve only just met,” or asks, “How old were you when you first came here?” In both paths, HoSeok speaks with visible adoration for Kim JungHee. In the first path, he mentions that although she’s scary when mad, she never gets angry without a reason. “Auntie JungHee is just… like a mom. She’s mom.” In the second path, HoSeok answers that he was seven when he moved into the children’s home. He describes how Auntie would sing him songs that his mother listened to instead of a lullaby when he had trouble falling asleep, and that was the first time he cried after coming to the home. SeokJin begins, “Then, HoSeok, when you were little…” But a boy’s cries interrupt him before he can ask if HoSeok experienced narcolepsy when he was younger. “What’s wrong, JiHun?” HoSeok asks in concern. The sobbing boy shows him a broken toy rocket. “My mom… gave this to me.” HoSeok is at a loss because it looks impossible to fix. “I’ll bring you a new one next time. Don’t cry, JiHun. Okay?” The boy keeps crying despite HoSeok’s attempts at consolation. Before SeokJin can think of another tactic, HoSeok speaks up, drying JiHun’s tears. “JiHun, do you want to go with me to see a real rocket?”

At HoSeok’s request, SeokJin drives them both to Yeongsan Bridge, one of the bridges that crosses Yangji Stream and that HoSeok frequents. SeokJin is perplexed about what could count as a “real rocket” as they head to HoSeok’s usual spot on the bridge, and JiHun appears suspicious but excited. “Look over there!” HoSeok points to the train departing Songju Station in the distance, picking up speed on the tracks. “Wow!” JiHun exclaims. “What do you think? That rocket looks cool, huh?” asks HoSeok. “Rocket? That’s a train,” says the boy. “Look closely! It’s a rocket.” HoSeok beams. JiHun asks HoSeok why he calls it a rocket. HoSeok explains that the front end of the train is pointy like a rocket and that it takes people somewhere far away. (He also refers to the trains as rockets in his 4 July Year 22 entry from The Notes 2.) SeokJin realizes that from his vantage point on the bridge, HoSeko has been watching the train that leaves Songju. “JiHun, you can wish on the rocket, too!” HoSeok describes how the rocket can carry dreams because the people who ride on it have dreams. JiHun wishes to become famous so his mom can find him. HoSeok falls silent for a moment before resuming his chatty demeanor. Together they wish on the rocket for JiHun to see his mom again. JiHun asks HoSeok what he wishes for so they can wish it on the next rocket. HoSeok whispers in his ear. “Wow, you too?!” JiHun exclaims. HoSeok shushes him, so SeokJin does not learn HoSeok’s answer.

After dropping JiHun off at the children’s home, SeokJin and HoSeok relax at a bar. HoSeok thanks him for his help that day. SeokJin asks if HoSeok visits Yeongsan Bridge frequently to look at the trains. HoSeok smiles bashfully over his drink and explains that he liked visiting it when he lived in the children’s home. “Is that when you came up with the rocket story?” SeokJin asks. HoSeok replies, ‘Yeah. The people getting on the train look so cheerful and happy. It almost makes me want to get on there with them, too.” He stops abruptly and calls out to a customer on his way out. The young man is introduced as DongJin, a friend who also grew up in the children’s home. SeokJin invites him to sit with them, hoping that he knows more about HoSeok, but DongJin declines since he’s with other company. Before departing, he mentions that he will stop by Two Star Burger to see HoSeok soon. After his friend leaves, HoSeok tells SeokJin more about his childhood. SeokJin understands why he considers the people at the children’s home his family.

A little tipsy now, HoSeok brings up another memory. The whole family at the children’s home goes to Yangji Stream on August 30th for the yearly fireworks, but when he was about nine, he had to be admitted to the hospital for a check-up. SeokJin either asks, “Did you miss the fireworks that year?” or “Were you sick?” In the first path, HoSeok describes how he snuck out of his hospital room and up to the rooftop to watch the fireworks. Along the way, he found a little kid crying in the stairwell who was looking for his mom and wanted to leave, and he brought the boy to the roof so they could view the fireworks together. He doesn’t know who the kid was or remember his face. (See the Additional Thoughts section at the end for who I hope this kid really was!) In the second path, HoSeok answers that he was falling asleep without explanation but the doctor said there was nothing particularly abnormal. SeokJin tries to ask a leading question to get him to reveal more, but HoSeok’s expression is grim. The paths rejoin with HoSeok asking SeokJin if he has attended the fireworks festival too. He looks wistful when SeokJin replies that he went with his family when he was younger. HoSeok brings up DongJin again. “He’s a really lucky guy. Even though it was pretty late, he got in touch with his parents and moved out to go live with them.” His eyes reflect bitterness. “DongJin and I… both dreamed of going to the fireworks festival with our parents. I guess he’ll achieve his dream for the first time this year.” SeokJin recalls HoSeok’s rocket story and asks if that’s the dream he told JiHun about earlier. HoSeok dismisses this: his dream now is to become famous for dancing. SeokJin remembers him mentioning this in high school. “Right, you said you wanted to become famous as a dancer so it would help you find your mom… Are you still dancing because of that?” HoSeok says that was why he first started but he grew to really love dance. “You don’t have any plans to go find your mom, then?” SeokJin asks. “Why would I go anywhere? My home, work, and friends are all here.” HoSeok laughs, but it seems like he is just holding on rather than truly feeling happy. “I just… like where I am.”

Episode four begins on 8 May, Parents’ Day, in HoSeok’s perspective. As promised, DongJin visits him at Two Star Burger and asks if he can get a job there because he needs money. HoSeok is taken aback since DongJin supposedly has moved out of Songju to live with his father after reconnecting with his family. “What happened to your self-reliance support fund?” DongJin confesses that he gave it all to his father, who said that he needed it to buy them a house but hasn’t contacted him since receiving the money. “I think my expectations were too high. They abandoned me once. Why wouldn’t they abandon me a second time? I wish I hadn’t met them…” DongJin’s voice wavers. HoSeok assures him that his father must be busy looking for houses. “Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll contact you soon. I’ll look into a job for you.” DongJin thanks him multiple times before leaving. After work, HoSeok returns to the bridge and leans on the railing. He often does this even when there are no passing trains—watching the flow of the river empties his mind and puts him at ease. But the calm water cannot still his thoughts today. He thinks about the many children at the home who want to be reunited with their parents, including JiHun, DongJin, and himself. HoSeok is honest about his feelings, acknowledging that he envies DongJin for being able to contact a parent, even one who let him down. He closes his eyes and remembers the day his mom abandoned him at the carousel. In the memory, she hands him a chocolate bar and instructs him to count to ten before opening his eyes. The screen goes black after “three,” and at “nine,” the player hears the sound of someone falling. (The carousel memory is also depicted in the Highlight Reel.)

The story cuts to the next day, 9 May, outside Two Star Burger. SeokJin is uneasy knowing that HoSeok collapsed yesterday, two days earlier than he normally does in the loops, and hovers nearby to keep an eye on him. HoSeok announces that he’s heading out for a delivery and heads outside to the delivery scooter. A passing woman reminds her daughter to count before crossing the street. “One, two, three…” HoSeok watches them cross the street and collapses again. “HoSeok!” SeokJin cries. He gets permission from the restaurant manager to take a still-unconscious HoSeok home to his room that overlooks all of Songju City. SeokJin helps HoSeok onto his bed before looking around his room. The player has a choice to look at the items on the desk or a familiar planter on the dresser. In the first path, SeokJin clicks past the screensaver on HoSeok’s laptop and sees that the web browser is open to an audition information video for a famous international dance team. (This may be the same dance team that one of his friends from the children’s home successfully auditions for, referenced in HoSeok’s 4 July Year 22 entry accompanying the Tear album and 7 July Year 22 entry in The Notes 1.) He remembers HoSeok mentioning that he’s happiest when dancing and knows that he still runs Just Dance, the dance club he started in high school. “I’m sure he’d do well if he applies,” SeokJin muses. In the second path, SeokJin recognizes the plant as the one HoSeok tended every day in their classroom hideout. He wonders what HoSeok was thinking when he brought the plant home and how he feels caring for it. The paths rejoin with HoSeok stirring on the bed, mumbling “Mmm… Mom�� Don’t go…” SeokJin recalls that HoSeok called for his mother when he fell asleep in high school. “Is the memory of losing his mom related to his narcolepsy?” he thinks. “Are you okay, HoSeok?” SeokJin asks when HoSeok opens his eyes. HoSeok is confused to find himself at home. SeokJin explains that he happened to see him collapse as he was passing by and assures him that he spoke to his manager. “HoSeok, you know how you keep collapsing… The hospital doesn’t know why yet? You don’t have any idea what makes you collapse, either?” he presses. But HoSeok shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

On 10 May, HoSeok receives a call from one of the younger kids from the children’s home while getting ready for work in his apartment. The kid informs him that Auntie JungHee isn’t working at the home anymore because she has been diagnosed with late-stage colon cancer. She is scheduled to have surgery, but the chances of success are low. HoSeok’s mind goes blank, and he hangs up. When he rushes outside, he runs into SeokJin. “I stopped by because I was worried. Are you headed out?” asks SeokJin. Consumed with the thought of getting to Auntie, HoSeok says he needs to visit JungHee and doesn’t have time to ask why SeokJin is there. SeokJin follows, offering him a ride. The player chooses to have HoSeok either get in the car or refuse the ride. In the first path, HoSeok pretends to be calm when explaining the situation to SeokJin, but his voice noticeably trembles. In the second path, he declines because he’s afraid that speaking about it will make it come true, and then he runs to the bus stop.

The story cuts to HoSeok standing on the bridge, unable to remember how he made it to Auntie’s house after saying goodbye to SeokJin. He can only recall the face he saw through one of the open windows of Auntie’s house: JungHee laughing as she chatted with someone. The news of her illness and the low success rate of the surgery seems like a lie. She was the first person he could rely on after HoSeok lost his mom. He can’t shake off the vision of himself standing in front of the carousel “like an idiot.” Head spinning, he thinks, “I just wanted them to stay by my side. Is that too much to ask? What kind of terrible thing have I ever done?” The perspective switches to SeokJin as he watches HoSeok walk precariously across the bridge, looking both shocked and deeply sad. He reflects on his failed attempts to prevent HoSeok from collapsing here. Even if he stays with HoSeok like he did with JungKook or intervenes like he did with YoonGi, HoSeok always runs to JungHee’s home and then collapses on this bridge on his way back. SeokJin is aware that JungHee has cancer (so the first path of the branching choices has happened at least once, or he found out in earlier loops). The extra collapses of this loop weigh on SeokJin’s mind too. Something changed after HoSeok met DongJin, and SeokJin regrets taking him to the bar on 5 May. He looks on as HoSeok inevitably staggers and falls in the same spot.

SeokJin calls 119 and has HoSeok admitted to the hospital. As before, HoSeok is placed in the same hospital room of the surgery ward as JiMin. SeokJin decides not to visit him because he is afraid of running into JiMin and unsure of what will play out if he does. Now that HoSeok is in the hospital, there is no way to avoid the future accident in the stairwell. A few days later, SeokJin scopes out the scene. He mulls over the repeating scenario of HoSeok chasing down the stairs after a woman he mistakes for his mother. SeokJin connects the dots between HoSeok calling for his mother in his sleep and the way he cried in front of his Auntie’s house. “Everything has to do with ‘mom.’ If HoSeok’s narcolepsy is because of ‘mom,�� does that mean this accident is connected to the idea of mom, too?” In other loops in which SeokJin successfully prevented the stairwell accident, HoSeok continued to collapse more frequently until he eventually did so in the street. SeokJin contemplates how his condition apparently worsens after he sees a woman that reminds him of his mother.

The day after HoSeok is admitted to the hospital, 11 May, SeokJin invites NamJoon to meet him at a cart bar after his work shift. NamJoon brings up HoSeok first. Unable to say that he was the one to call for help, SeokJin pretends to be surprised that HoSeok is in the hospital. NamJoon reports that HoSeok had a minor concussion and is staying there for a couple days so the doctors can run additional tests. SeokJin wonders if HoSeok dreamt of his mother again and feels a pang at the image of him haunted by nightmares. He proceeds to tell NamJoon about their visit to the children’s home, meeting DongJin, and learning about the auntie’s illness. Cautiously, SeokJin proposes that HoSeok’s collapsing may be related to his mother. NamJoon mulls it over before agreeing. “I guess it could. Thinking about his auntie might have led him to think about his mom.” “I’m sure he feels like he’s losing his mother a second time,” SeokJin adds. NamJoon asks if he knows HoSeok’s wish to become a famous dancer in order to find his mom, although his dancing grew into a genuine source of joy. “So I thought… Dance had become Jung HoSeok’s cure. Something that helps him hold on. The thing that helps him bear something he can’t otherwise. That’s what dance is to HoSeok. Don’t you have something like that, SeokJin?” NamJoon regards him silently after this, leaving SeokJin much to contemplate. They promise to visit HoSeok together at the hospital. SeokJin hopes that if NamJoon knows just how much dancing means to HoSeok, he may figure out something from HoSeok’s reaction in the stairwell that SeokJin has missed. He just needs to figure out a natural way to get NamJoon into the stairwell at the right time.

On 12 May, SeokJin and NamJoon meet at the hospital. SeokJin suggests that they take the stairs since the elevators are crowded and lies about HoSeok being on the 3rd floor to strengthen his excuse. When they arrive on the 2nd floor landing, they hear footsteps and voices from above. The woman descending the stairs with a child is the one whom HoSeok keeps mistaking for his mother. SeokJin needs to stall until HoSeok comes down too, so he either suggests that they buy some snacks to bring or mentions that he may have got the wrong floor number and checks his phone. Moments later, they hear pounding footsteps and HoSeok shouting, “Mom!” NamJoon locks eyes with HoSeok and, unaware of what is about to happen, turns to follow the woman. “Ma’am! Excuse me!” Caught off guard, SeokJin is too late to grab HoSeok, who falls and screams. As he rolls on the floor clutching his leg, sealing the injury that will prevent him from dancing, the glass shatters.

SeokJin involves NamJoon in several more loops after that, but his attempts to save HoSeok end in failure. He wonders again if he should admit HoSeok to the hospital at all, but decides that if the incident is connected to HoSeok’s trauma, it needs to be solved rather than avoided. On a new 12 May, SeokJin stands near the hospital stairwell, prepared to intervene himself and ask HoSeok about his mother afterward. He spots JiMin emerging from the 2nd floor physical therapy room and pressing the elevator button. Hiding out of sight in the stairwell, SeokJin mulls over his options. If he prevents HoSeok’s accident, he still needs to get JiMin out of the hospital too—an effort that has been unsuccessful so far due to JiMin stopping at the exit or later having a seizure when they pass the arboretum. “Maybe the answer to HoSeok is… JiMin? What if… this incident is the variable between HoSeok and JiMin?” Heart pounding, SeokJin begins to hope that they can save each other. He doesn’t have enough time before HoSeok comes down the stairs to figure out what to say to JiMin and decides that he will just have to make the reason for his presence in the hospital believable. “JiMin!” he calls. “SeokJin? How are you here—” Looking shocked, JiMin steps back like he’s about to run away. SeokJin realizes that they haven’t met in this loop yet, and JiMin strongly dislikes people knowing that he’s in the hospital. With no time to explain, SeokJin leaves him behind and rushes into the stairwell. But he’s too late to catch HoSeok’s fall, and the story concludes with the glass shattering once again. (Based on The Notes 1, we know that the “successful” decision SeokJin makes in later loops is to stay out of sight when he calls JiMin. JiMin is puzzled by the silhouette he sees in the doorway and enters the stairwell just in time to catch HoSeok.)

Additional Thoughts

JiMin’s mother, Sim SeonMi, becomes one of the most fleshed-out adult characters in the BU narrative so far thanks to his story. We already knew the most about SeokJin’s father, Kim ChangJun, due to his role in The Notes 2. I’ve had an inkling of a suspicion that JiMin’s parents were connected in some way to SeokJin’s father, so I was satisfied to see this confirmed in the game. I’m curious about JiMin’s father and the lack of details surrounding him. He has only been depicted once in The Notes 1, when JiMin returned home days after sneaking out of the hospital with his friends.

Though it’s never explicitly stated in the texts, the Wings Short Film #6 MAMA depicts that HoSeok is diagnosed with Munchausen’s syndrome, a psychological disorder in which the individual pretends to be ill or deliberately produces symptoms of the illness. His prescription pills are actually placebos. On 16 May Year 22 in The Notes 1, HoSeok confesses to JiMin that his narcolepsy is fake, although he doesn’t feign symptoms on purpose.

I was personally a little disappointed with the lack of new information in HoSeok’s story. While his relationships with the auntie and other children from the home are explored in greater detail, the most significant plot points if his arc have already been covered as of The Notes 2.

I have no proof for this, but I want the unidentified crying boy who young HoSeok met in the hospital stairwell and brought to the rooftop to see the fireworks to be JiMin. If HoSeok was 9 at the time, then JiMin was 7. He has been in and out of the hospital since the arboretum incident (earlier that same year), so it is plausible that he had an overlapping stay with HoSeok in the summer of Year 11.

As mentioned above, the following “tl;dr” commentary summarizes the parenthetical notes I provided in the summaries in case you want to review them on their own.

Stopped Time — tl;dr commentary

In the opening cutscene, JiMin plays on the colored tiles in a hospital hallway and stops when he reaches “the line” by the exit door. This line marks the end of the psychiatric ward and is first described in his 11 May Year 22 entry in The Notes 1.

The Songho Foundation patron meeting that SeokJin attends on 22 April Year 22 was suggested by the city’s Deputy Mayor at the inauguration ceremony on 11 April. That earlier ceremony played out in JungKook’s arc.

Before the loop reset, SeokJin waits outside the Gyeong Il Hospital as he plans his next move since JiMin is moving out of the surgical ward that day. The date is unspecified in the game, but in The Notes 1, he is scheduled to return to the psychiatric ward on 16 May.

In this story, SeokJin picks TaeHyung to help him free JiMin from the hospital. He hopes that TaeHyung will be JiMin’s “answer,” just like YoonGi needed JungKook. JungKook saving YoonGi is not a solution that played out in YoonGi’s story, but this is a familiar theme from Notes 1 and forward. However, SeokJin and TaeHyung are caught by JiMin’s mother while trying to leave the hospital with him. We know from The Notes 1 that SeokJin’s later, successful choice ends up being HoSeok instead.

Before coldly leaving SeokJin and TaeHyung to rejoin her son, Sim SeonMi touches TaeHyung’s shoulder for a moment. This same gesture was given to HoSeok in the hospital after JiMin’s seizure at the bus stop on 15 September Year 20 in Notes 1. To SeokJin, her presence is like a wall separating them from JiMin. This echoes HoSeok’s feeling that she was drawing an uncrossable line between them that September.

At the end of the story, the vision JiMin sees reflected in the sink water of “that day” is referring to 6 April Year 11 and the events of the arboretum, first introduced in that dated entry in The Notes 1 and revealed in full on 12 August Year 22 of The Notes 2.

Someone Left Behind — tl;dr commentary

In the story’s opening, SeokJin refers to HoSeok’s collapse on 10 May. This is the date that HoSeok collapses and wakes up in the hospital in The Notes 1, and it is likely the moment referenced by his bridge scene in the I Need U MV.

When SeokJin observes that HoSeok is on good terms with the kids from the children’s home, HoSeok explains that he’s only been out of the home for about three months. He moved into his rooftop room on 25 Feb Year 22 according to that date’s Note accompanying the Persona album.

As he does in the game, HoSeok refers to the trains as “rockets” in his 4 July Year 22 entry from The Notes 2.

HoSeok’s memory of being abandoned at the carousel is also depicted in the Highlight Reel.

When searching HoSeok’s apartment, SeokJin notices the laptop’s web browser is open to an audition information video for a famous international dance team. This may be the same dance team that one of his friends from the children’s home successfully auditions for, referenced in HoSeok’s 4 July Year 22 entry accompanying the Tear album and 7 July Year 22 entry in The Notes 1.

At the end of the story, SeokJin hopes to gain JiMin’s help to save HoSeok but ends up spooking him because they haven’t met in that loop yet. Based on The Notes 1, we know that the “successful” decision SeokJin makes in later loops is to stay out of sight when he calls JiMin. JiMin is puzzled by the silhouette he sees in the doorway and enters the stairwell just in time to catch HoSeok.

Did you learn anything new from these stories that I did not specifically mention? Let me know in the replies or tags! Please stay tuned for part 4, featuring TaeHyung and the Epilogue.

[rena-te]

I’m gonna throw some random thoughts/predictions about NEO at the wall. Mostly bc I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a while and need to shout into the void about it. (It will get into the Game’s Opening Sequence as well as any information that’s come out so far, just to mention it in case you were avoiding that content.) Join me for a lot of this down below the cut!

First of all, Tsugumi. In A.N.D we see her in a destroyed Shinjuku. Along with the visions of the future she gives Neku there are these messages.

“Everyone’s gone away..... All that’s left in the world is me.” (City being destroyed.)

“I can’t hear a thing...” (Tsugumi is walking the streets alone.)

“Hello? Is anybody there?” (Joshua shooting.)

“Somebody... Anybody... Can anybody hear me?” (Rhyme dying to (purple) shark noise.)

This last one isn’t a vision. It happens after Coco shoots Neku and he vanishes. Which leads me to think, since it is mostly a repeat of the first two future visions, it’s actually happening in this moment. It could be Tsugumi calling out one last time...... Before she’s overtaken by something?

“Too late... It’s all over...” (Same as first two. Tsugumi’s eyes notably turn red more than before.)

How is she giving Neku these visions? (It seems that she’s just calling out to anybody, and for some reason Neku heard her.) To send visions like that I’d think that Tsugumi is either Shinjuku’s Composer or maybe an angel? Or something else we’ve not seen? And they’re all visions of the future. Is Tsugumi speaking into the past as well as projecting those images? (We’re assuming that the reason for Shinjuku Reapers being in Shibuya is bc the UG in Shinjuku has been destroyed. So are the visions congruent with Shinjuku being destroyed or is the city being destroyed in the future, likely sometime between TWEWY and NEO?) The possibility of time travel makes things a million times more complicated.

Or maybe Tsugumi wasn’t quite sending him visions at all, and it was a kind of side effect of being linked to a Composer (since they are somewhat omniscient, and bc some of those visions were not really related to Tsugumi.) She was just trying to communicate with him, but some of that power leaked through their psychic bond and gave Neku a bit of clairvoyance?

If Shinjuku’s UG got destroyed, does that leave the Composer alive? We know that the Composer killing themselves would effectively shut down the UG, but if it happens the other way around? The Composer still exists, but would there be no consequence for losing an integral part of themselves? If the Composer’s connection to the UG is so pivotal, maybe the UG being gone is the reason why Tsugumi seems so...empty? (Is she so vacant that someone else is pulling the strings at this point?) It’s odd for Tsugumi to call out to Neku for help, but target him in NEO. (Given orders to target him.)

Also maybe the UG being destroyed but the Composer still existing explains Joshua’s....odd reaction to her? “How fortunate she managed to escape erasure.” Said when he was just in a position of wanting to kill himself in order to destroy his UG. He doesn’t use that sprite often ya know. It could explain the expression he has and the mumbled speech bubble used. Joshua said that he needed to get rid of His UG bc it could negatively tamper with the other grounds. To discover that could be done without killing himself... (And without him knowing of the apparent side effect of a “vacant Composer” Assuming that theory is true in the first place.)

But why does she have a Mr.Mew doll? Uhhhhh.... There’s also some time shenanigans happening too. And that throws many “what-ifs” into the mix, so I’ll avoid going down that rabbit hole. Basically I have no idea, the possibilities are kinda endless with time travel.

Another thing. This guy is also important. Very important apparently. I had a vague idea about him at first, a guess kinda outta left field, but I mean....I’m liking what bits I’ve scraped together for my guess theory by now. Onto speculating about Mr.Kubo here......

In the game’s opening sequence he walks right past Tsugumi (so connected to her in some way), leans in towards the camera, looks at you and does his little eccentric pose.

The only other characters who sorta look into the camera for the opening sequence are Shiba and Shoka, BUT in Shiba’s case it’s more like the camera is centered on him looking forward, and Shoka is more so interacting with Rindo with the way her scene was done. Here Kubo is just walking alone, stops and his eyes lock with the camera...... so wtf does this mean, you’re probably asking. It’s just a funky game introduction, it’s just this dude being weird. Yes, that is all true.

I know that he’s introduced in the line up as a Shinjuku Reaper, along with everyone else. But... I think this guy is Shinjuku’s Producer. If Tsugumi is Shinjuku’s Composer it makes sense for him to follow Her into Shibuya, he’s basically tasked to watch over Her.

Compared to the other Shinjuku Reapers, his color scheme is more...grey scaled. The girl has a grey suit, but Kubo doesn’t have any colors to his outfit at all. His clothes are plain compared to everyone else in this lineup. His facial expressions are the only...unique thing to his appearance. In the little bit of English dialogue we have of him so far, it seems that he’s giving us some kind of advice? And Fret looks to be put off with his eccentric (I can’t think of a more accurate word for it) demeanor.

So the middle aged man with an eccentric personality, with a tendency to give advice (?), pretending to be involved in the game in ways they are not, clothes styled in only neutral colors, and the funky little watch they’re wearing....along with the light poking at the fourth wall (Mr.H- “You mean those teasers?”) both Kubo and Hanekoma fit that bill.

Tbh Hanekoma is a bit eccentric, we’re just so used to how he is by now. The watch is just a minor thing that’s a fun little similarity in their designs don’t worry about it. Don’t tell me the watch isn’t important it ties everything together. Also after a quick goggle search, one website is telling me that Kubo’s name means “sunken ground” in Japanese and this other website is telling me what the individual kanji means, (I do not know Japanese in any way and am assuming that the internet is right about all this. I feel like it tracks with him being a Producer though.)

And just to cap it off, maybe Shiba was Shinjuku’s Conductor. If he rose through Shibuya’s ranks so quickly he’s gotta know what he’s doing. Did he throw Shinjuku out of balance and get rid of the UG so the Composer would be an empty puppet (like Tsugumi kinda seems to be.) Is that why he’s doing all this? Does he plan to become the Conductor (right hand man of the Composer) and then erase the UG, rendering it’s Composer vacant and take control? Shiba wouldn’t know about the Producer, naturally. Is that what it’s all culminating too? Will Joshua be in danger at some point from this guy? I’m wondering when the Higher Plane would step in, but this might just be Kubo’s job since Shiba was Shinjuku’s Conductor (and Hanekoma’s job, since it’s happening in Shibuya now) unless it gets completely out of control. They don’t seem to interfere much, just letting the assigned angels do the groundwork.

So that’s all my thoughts about stuff. I wouldn’t go into the game heavily expecting much of this though. As fun as theories are I’ll be fine enjoying the game for whatever happens. The world-building in twewy is just extremely fascinating to me and I love it so much. This is just my take on a “‘what if” situation anyways so nothing close to this may happen, hahaha. But speculation is very fun and I love to flex my twewy knowledge (it’s been next to useless for like 10 years. Finally twewy is relevant.

[rainyday-deer]

I’ve been playing Story of Seasons: Pioneers of Olive Town and I have..... Thoughts™

Some light spoilers.

I can’t call it a bad game, I’m having fun, but it’s not.... Good, either.

The character customization is FANTASTIC, imo. I really like a lot of the options, and the ability to change the color of your individual eyes is pretty neat! I’ve really enjoyed the addition of being able to customize the MC in the newer games, and I’m glad it’s something they’ve kept around (even if the default MCs are rly cute too)

The addition of a moped is neat, though I’ll admit it seems... Superfluous. The horse in previous games was primarily used as a way to get around faster. I understand you have to unlock your moped, but the same goes for the horse, and with the way the game mechanics work, I have my moped back before I have the stable rebuilt, which kind of...Renders the horse moot. Why would I bother to build the stable now and waste fodder/stamina on an animal when I have a moped again?

In terms of the villagers, I can’t say I’m very attached to any of them. I’ve got a small handful that I guess I like but I’m just generally not invested in any of them or their lives.The dialogue is all very samey, and I feel like there’s little variation in what they say to me-- Which is generally a problem in most of the games, but it seems more noticeable here, and almost makes me ache for Save the Homeland’s dialogue style instead.

The voice clips are a nice touch, remind me vaguely of Magical Melody, and I’ll admit it’s a nice little touch. To be frank, the lack of visible talksprites and heart meters being hidden in notes VERY much reminds me of StH or MM, and isn’t necessarily something that bothers me (even if the camera angles get a lil wonky.)

As for how the farm works... I absolutely hate that the makers can only make one item at a time. I hate hate hate that I have several of these damn things lined up on my farm, taking up space, just so I can have the materials I need, and even then I only get ONE AT A TIME! And I need SEVERAL of these items to do anything from upgrading my tools, to expanding my house, to making clothes. In previous games, YES, you had to have certain items to do these things as well, but you (usually) didn’t need to turn ores into ingots first. Lumber was straight up logs that you cut down, and stones were actually useful. But here? HERE?

Cut the tree down. Save the logs. Put 3 logs into a maker. Get one (1) piece of lumber. Repeat ad nauseam.

By the way, there’s at least 5 different types of lumber. And grass. And you need them all for different things! And you need a lot of them for the different things!

There’s 3 mines, which are, frankly, kind of disappointing. The 3rd and largest mine is only 50 floors, and while the addition of the moles make for an... Interesting angle (and fighting off enemies isn’t new at all in certain games) it’s just... Boring. Part of the reason I enjoyed the mines so much in previous games was part of the challenge! It zapped your stamina so easily, and the further down you got, the more exciting it was! But it (personally) feels like there’s no challenge to these mines, and their low variety makes them boring. In reality, you’re only down there to get ores to shove into the ingot makers, so you can progress. (Because remember, these take more than one ore, to make just one (1) ingot!)

Your farm also has various trees and grasses growing over its 3 levels, which is all well and good. However, they crop up and grow VERY fast, including in places you don’t want them to. You have to cover spaces with flooring to stop them from popping up somewhere inconvenient, and even then, they’ll appear where you weren’t ALLOWED to place the flooring. You can’t just sickle the saplings, either. You have to mash those down with a hammer.

Your sickle is ONLY used for cutting the grass, which makes it almost useless in terms of upgrading. You cannot use it on crops, weeds, etc. Just the grass.

There’s also these blue stepping stones across your farm in various places. To my knowledge they cannot be moved or broken, and you cannot till them away, or place anything over them, resulting in wasted space, frankly.

As for the animals, it’s very... Strange? In my opinion. I’m unsure if it’s because of the mode I selected, but the livestock does not NEED to be brushed every day. Rather, when you go to take care of them, the animal will have a small speech bubble over them, indicating what they want at the moment. Your cows and goats will often have a milk icon over their head most days, and only OCCASIONALLY (in my experience) will they want to be brushed. Strangely, you don’t need to buy any tools to do so, either. You interact, they’re milked. You interact, they’re brushed. It’s all very quick, as well.

Also strangely, you have to purchase the ability to breed your chickens, rather than just putting an egg into the incubator.

As for the animal variety... I like it! The goats and the rabbits are very fun additions! And simply finding your animals (and the new varieties) randomly on your farm and then ‘taming’ them is kind of fun, but it does feel like you don’t particularly get a say in if you want to have the new animals in the first place, even if you CAN release animals via the Earth Sprites.

Which, by the way, make me miss the Harvest Sprites, very much. They’re sort of cute, I guess, but ultimately a little boring, if not helpful. Even the Spirit is... Interesting, and beautiful as she is, she’s so. Bland. You can’t really befriend her, just sort of talk to her, but it doesn’t really seem to do much.

I miss you, Harvest Goddess.........

There’s an added museum feature, very similar to animal crossing, but save for the small statues being built of animals you take photos of, it’s just another way to pad out the game, and is very unimpressive to look at.

Crop, meanwhile, are very... Eh, to me. Crops that previously used to be able to be harvested from all season, last 1-3 harvests before disappearing, and then need to be replanted--Including things like tea bushes. Thankfully, the seed makers are a maker that give you 2 seeds out of 1 item-- Though the seed bags only cover 1 tilled square, rather than 9, like in a few previous games.

Your rucksack is also limited in space-- Once again, nothing new, but very frustrating for a game that requires you to have a variety of materials on hold to make XYZ thing. The shipping bin ALSO only holds so many items, and to my knowledge cannot be upgraded. Got 25 items to ship? Sorry! You can only ship 24! Guess you have to wait until tomorrow :)

There’s also only 2 festivals per season, one of which is a mini game, while the other... Is not. It’s kind of a bummer, actually, and I don’t find myself looking forward to them at all.

It’s not all bad, though!

I do enjoy the ability to build sprinklers and let THOSE water your crops for you. It’s very time and stamina saving, and I thoroughly enjoy it.

The variety of crops and wild flowers is nice as well! You can get some crops grown wild, pop those into a seed maker, and then BOOM! You just got strawberries, or melons, or pineapples for free! Nice!

I DO like that your farm has 3 different levels, and unlocking them by fixing bridges is pretty cool, and genuinely feels like it’s been earned when you DO save up enough money (or materials) to unlock them.

The character models look pretty nice, if not a little strange at times. I feel like they can move stiffly in cutscenes, and they have very limited expressions, but they’re still nice to look at. I thoroughly enjoy the happy dance villagers do when you give them a gift they particularly like.

But...

I won’t lie to you guys, but EVERY time I pick up to play (which I’ll admit is a lot, despite my complaints), I find myself wanting to play the older games instead. Now I’ll admit a lot of the newer games could be lacking in particular areas, but there was ALWAYS a lot of enjoyment for me while playing them, so to have this absolute ACHE to dig out my ps2 or my gamecube to play Save the Homeland or Magical Melody INSTEAD is.... Kind of astounding to me.

It’s a fun game to turn your brain off and play, but I don’t think it’s deserving of the price tag-- Even with the new downloadable content on the way (that also costs money, even if you can save some with the expansion pass.). It feels oddly hollow and very... Mobile-game like to me, and while it’s not the WORST game I’ve ever played, it feels like it’s missing a lot of the charm that previous titles have had.

[criquette-was-here]

Long Due Replies

Hi everyone! It’s been some crazy few months for me. Real life has taken over completely so I didn’t have a chance to pay attention to my inbox. There are lot of asks on troubleshooting and I apologise for not being able to help on time. I hope everyone who needed help has got it somehow >.< There’s a crazy amount of messages, so I’m going to hide it under the cut.

@shutupshirley said:

Hi Criquette, I’m sorry because this is dumb, but I don’t understand how to install your neighbourhood lighting mod on an installation of Ultimate Collection... do I change out every lighting.txt file I can find across all the expansion and stuff packs? :/

Thank you!!!!

Hi @shutupshirley! I’m not a big specialist on windows version of TS2 and UC but I believe there are two folders you have to look at and they are ‘Fun with Pets’ and ‘Open for Business’

Anonymous said:

What do you imagine residents of Feverfew are called? I keep doing Peruvian but like Ferfewian or some

Oh, yes, I was thinking about this matter at some point! Feverfewian is what I came up with. I even found a wiki article about different names for different town inhabitants to sort of made it up a bit, but I haven’t write down the result I had and now I’ve lost it. I think feverfewians sounds best, it can even have some silly derivatives like ‘fewies’

@3sushiroll said:

Hi Criquette, I'm getting into SC4 and have been getting the hang of it while using the sims 2 hood planner. I've been starting to use bridges and have been using yours. When I put in the tile measurement into the hood planner (ex: 15 tile = 8 in SC4), it doesn't exactly line up in game. Does this usually happen for you and you put in a piece of fake road in the middle or am I just doing it wrong and it should line up super nicely? Thank you for all your wonderful creations!

Hi @3sushiroll! Yes, TS2 parses SC4 roads this way. I always put some decorative road in the gap or I make the shores narrower so that the bride would overlap the road. But to make slopes where the road ends equal, you have to use TS2 terraforming tool to make this flat empty piece of terrain right after the road end into slope so that it would look like the opposite.

Anonymous said:

Hi there, hope you're doing well! I downloaded your simple walkways set and noticed that they float. They don't sit on the ground properly. Is there anything I can do on my end to make them sit closer to the ground? Any help would be appreciated, thank you!

Hey anon! Thank you! Yes, this old set of walkways was made this way. Maxis made neighborhood mode roads float, so I had to do the same with road related decorations. But now you can use these Cobblestone paths or side walks from the Rural Charm, they’re as close to the ground as possible.

Anonymous said:

hey! would it ever be possible for you to create recolors of the cobblestone sidewalks in red brick/cobblestone?

Hi anon! I don’t think so :| I can’t even find the time to fix some Ferverfew related issues >.<

Anonymous said:

Hi Criquette. I liked Feverfew very much. I would like to make some of the houses multi-unit, keeping your doors in place. Is it possible to add the function of apartments to these doors? :)

Hi nonne! As far as I’m aware, you can only default replace those apartment doors which is quite useless. What you can do, is to put an apartment door right behind the front door. This, obviously, would eat up the space but could work as a solution.

Anonymous said:

Hello! I just downloaded Feverview and it's gorgeous! I can't believe all the little details you added, the effort and love you put into this project is incredible. I just had a small question: a few residential lots are fake apartments, I was wondering if you know how to turn them into functional apartments 

Hi anon! I’m glad you liked Feverfew! ^__^ In theory, you can use SimPE or Lot Editor to change lot type from residential to apartment and then implement apartment doors somehow, but since I don’t have AL in my Super Collection, I have zero experience in that.

Anonymous said:

Hi Criquette! :) I just realized recently that if I delete objects in game, I have to delete first the recolors of it. I've already deleted a bunch of objects without knowing about this, so now my downloads folders has houndreds of recolors without meshes. Do you know about anything I can do to find and delete these orphans? (Delphys download organizer just can't make difference)

Hi anon! I’m definitely not a helper on the matter of keeping Downloads folder organised, sorry ^^’‘ I would thing about finding sets of files with similar names keeping eye on the absence of the word ‘mesh’ in the names, and looking at the file size at the same time. And that would take ages, obviously. 

@ardyyy4 said:

Hello Criquette. I love Feverfew so much. But I have a problem. The grass and NHood objects are flickering together and it looks bad. How can i fix it? Thanks.

Hello Arda! That’s because of the neighborhood camera you’re using. I’d recommend you to install this particular camera just to get rid of flickering.

Anonymous said:

Hello! First of great content! Always been a fan! I was wondering if you could give a bit of advice with hood deco, I have downloaded an Ocean floor from Gwenke, and in lot view it only shows up at the very far edges, around my lot it is missing (it does show when render is set to small though). And it shows on beach lots too, I was wondering if you know of way to make it so that it is seen no matter what the view distance is etc? (I have the relevant cheats on btw) Thank you in advance!

Hey nonnie! Thanks :) Have you ticked off object hiding in the settings? Other than that, it could be camera issues.

Anonymous said:

is there a way to stop neighborhood decor from fading? I know there is the „boolprop dontmergenhflora“ cheat, but I still get some fading. for excample when I look at the lot from the street the NH decor by the street fades

That’s definitely sounds like object hiding option from the game settings :}

Anonymous said:

Hey how are you ? I hope all is well. I was wondering how is it that ts2 has no ski deco but in ts1 we had ski slope and skate lake !?? I was wondering can you and the sim community make deco or interactive items such as a ski slope or even snow shoes or just something that goes with seasons n BV pack ?

Hello anon! I hope you’re well too! Ski slope and winter sports related decos is something I wanted to make since 2016, but never had enough time to do so. Sometimes I even think about available TS2 technologies to make an animated ski lift and umm.. may be in the next ten years? ^^’‘

Anonymous said:

hello!! i'm sorry if u already answered something like this (i searched but found nothing) but the better nightlife isn't working for me :(( i put the better nightlife+voielle water on download fold and the decorations still flashing in pink light, i did something wrong? (i use win10) sorry for the inconveniente

Hey anon! Sometimes you have to do these weird steps in order to make it work:

remove Better Nightlife + water mod from your downloads folder,

load the game, load the neighborhood, make some changes, exit game

put Better Nightlife with water back. Toggle day/night with ‘L’ key to see if it works. If it’s not, than the problem is somewhere else. Pink flashing also could be unrelated to Better Nightlife, so I’d recommend to check TS2 graphics setting for Win10 manuals available.

Anonymous said:

Hello there, I'm having a problem with the rural charm, on lot view the roads have yellowish boards (idk how to explain exactly). I saw that was because of CuriousB terrain, but I don't have it downloaded anymore so I'm kinda confused. What should it be? Sorry for bothering,,,

Hello, anon! What’s current season you’re having in your game? It can be the season lighting differences that make roadside and terrain grass colors different. If it’s not, I’d check the Downloads folder to see if there’s still some terrain DRs I’ve forgot about.

@pinkflamingosims said:

Hi criquette! I was wondering if you have any idea why some hood deco cc crashes on mac, like palm 1 to 4 from the tropical 4t2 set by leoz94. Leoz94 says the only difference is the high polycount, but I don't think that's it, it looks a bit high to me but not insanely so, I have  other stuff in that range with no problem... Have a nice - evening?

Hey @pinkflamingosims! I hope you’re doing well! Yes, some hood decos are really make the game crash and frankly speaking, I think that’s jsut package related issues like broken references in the resource tree. The best way to fix this type of hood decos is to make a clean and stable new clone and replace mesh/textures again.

Anonymous said:

Hello and thank you for amazing Feverfew map! I have a problem... ground is flashing red and I cannot fix it, do you have solution for this problem? It's been soooo long when I last played Sims 2 so apparently I did something wrong when installed CC. :(

Hello anon! Thank you! Oh, red flashing could be the result of lighting mod not being installed correctly. I’d start with getting rid of any lighting mods to see if it helps.

@marv61​ said:

Hi Criquette. I just downloaded your terrain of Forkshire, it looks great! I know it has been since 2009 that you uploaded the terrain but I was wondering if you have a completed Neighborhood with houses, trees and all for download? I would love to play your version. Thanks.

Hi Patchman! Oh, goodness no! :D That was 12 years ago, those TS2 files are long gone since then.

Anonymous said:

Hi Criquette, first things first, I love your work thank you so much, you inspire me! Now the question: I have been using the dirt roads from your Rural Lanes set and found that sometimes it is difficult if not impossible to fit them to the slopes of steep terrain. Would it be possible to instead create road pieces as a texture like your Neighborhood Decals? That way they would "stick" onto the terrain regardless of shape. Wondering what you think? Love!

Hello and thank you, anon! The problem with the decals – we can’t see it in lot mode yet. And it must be a DR only so we’d have to ditch one of the Maxis’ decals for dirt road, which isn’t great too.

Anonymous said:

Hi Criquette! Will Betternightlife mod ever be updated to work with lighting mods with dawn and dusk? Is there any that already works with it? I really want to use the light up hood decos!

Hey anon! You can use it with lighting mods that add dusk and dawn to the game. For instance, there’s one here by @dreadpirate​.

Anonymous said:

Hey Criquette! I recently used your template to make lit-up hood deco buildings using the Better Nightlife mod. The day text was great! However, the night texture was being clipped by the day texture. That is, some parts of the day texture was showing through the night texture. Is there a fix for this?

Hello nonnie! I’d recommend to check the meshes to see if day/night parts clip through each other and if they aren’t I’d check if all the day/night TXMT data is correct.

@criquette​ said:

I've installed Fewerfew following all your istructions. Apparently it works but the night lamps are flashing pink even ig I've installed the mod better night light. It seems that this mod does not work properly. Any recommendation?

Being Criquette, you should know the solution to that issue yourself :P Just kidding, sorry, couldn’t resist! If it flashes pink only by night than you have to check your ‘Downloads’ folder for conflicts. If it’s flashing constantly day and night, than I’d better check graphics setting using some windows related guides available across the Internet.

Anonymous said:

Hello, I love Feverfew and it's amazing. I have a problem where Linden Tree 1A isn't showing up in my game even though it's in my downloads folder. Also the railroad tracks are flashing blue, and those are in my folder too. Thanks in advance!  :)

Hello anon! What type of the trees you’re using? Stand alone or default ones? If you’re using defaults, you can find the trees under Maxi’s oaks accordingly. As for the flashing blue railway tracks, check if you have this set in your ‘Downloads’ folder :)

Anonymous said:

Hello Criquette, before asking for help, I came to say that the Brazilian community loves your creations. But, to get to the point, anyway, I have been thinking about creating a Hood (inspired by Rio de Janeiro), so I would like to know how to create Deco Hoods for my game (the statue of Christ), I can't find that anywhere, Would you help me?

Hi there! Ah, most kind, thank you ^^ Well, there’s no big deal in creating hood decos. You have to switch your SimPE to advanced mode and after that neighborhood decoration will be visible in the catalogue to be cloned. I assume you already know how to make lot mode objects and know how to create, edit or convert meshes/textures though.

@hideshio​ said:

Hello! I found your train set (and it's AMAZING) on mts and was wondering if you had a railroad crossing sign? With the lights, X, and the red/white hand that goes down. Or the lights that go across a pole above the railroads. Thank you!  =D

Hello @hideshio​! Well, there is a railway crossing sign with lights and red/white hand included in this set :D it’s not animated though. But still!

Anonymous said:

Hi criquette, I’m a huge admirer of you work and I was wondering if you had any advice regarding road placement. Specifically the difficulty of road pieces that are deco only being able to be placed underneath the actually roads leaving it looking a little off.. if there a way to raise them higher before placing them or some kind of work around? 

Hey anon, thank you! Unfortunately, there’s no way to make decorative road pieces work for lot mode and neighborhood mode at the same time. If you lift them so they look okay in hood mode, they will float in the air in lot mode. Since my latest creations are lot mode oriented, I’ve decided to save my efforts on making road pieces even with neigborhood mode roads.

Anonymous said:

Hey Criquette. I noticed that in my Feverfew none of the buildings across the street of Feverfew Sports Hall show up. I know those are supposed to be hood deco and look like duplex buildings, but I can't figure out what I'm missing. I deleted and redownloaded everything and couldn't fix it. Also the river ends at the first bridge in front of the cathedral, so the boats next to it appear to be flying. What is going on?

Hey anon! There’s definitely some files missing. If you’ve checked and redownloaded all the files, try to replace the Feverfew neighborhood folder with initial one. The game never restores disappeared hood decos by itself. Even if they were placed in the folder after their absence is discovered.

@simping-simmer​ said:

Hi Criquette, am I remembering correctly that there is a trick you can do with SimPE to change the height of individual pieces of hood deco? I’m struggling with putting ships in my dock because if I change a CC ship’s placeability to be able to be on both land and sea, it just sinks, but if I only keep it on sea, it can’t get close enough to the shore to place it in my docks. Does this make sense at all? Lol

Hello @simping-simmer​, you’re absolutely right. You can change the height of placed hood decos via SimPE. Things you need to do are described here and here

Anonymous said:

Hello! I love all your work.  I was wondering if you had ever thought of making some desert roads along the lines of the Terrain Mod: Dusty Roads for Desert Neighbourhoods by Stev84? I love the way this looks in my desert, but unfortunately, this mod makes the road in live mode a floor, which then makes you unable to place driveways.

Hey anon! Thanks ^^ Frankly, I don’t have any plans on creating any desert related CC at all :|

Anonymous said:

Hello Criquette. I would like to thank you for all the amazing work you have done creating content for sims 2. Thanks to you all my projects are possible. My question is: Chainlink fences for neighborhood deco... Do they exist? Searching the web these past day only found for build mode. Do you know of someone who already make some for deco hood? Or kindly will you be able to make some if its not much work? My sports fields and Industrial zones will be pleased for sure! Once again, thank you! :)

Hey anon and thank you! I don’t think hood deco chainlink fences were created by someone yet, but they definitely would be a great addition to the game. I was going to create some while working on Feverfew, but never had enough time to do that. May be i’ll make one at some point in the future!

Anonymous said:

Hello, Criquette. Do you know of any way to place lots without the area around it moving? I downloaded Ousmeo's remake of your Dullsfielde and read his og post using the waytime machine. When viewing that post, Tumblr recommended similar posts, one of which seemed to be a tip to prevent good deco from moving when placing lots nearby, but that post wasn't archived, so I can't visualise it. My guess is that if anyone else knows about this, it must be the best hood decorator that ever was ;-)

Hello anon! Ugh, this TS2 ‘feature’ is driving me mad quite often too! Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to get rid of it. The only way to fix the consequences is to backup initial hood folder and when you finish placing lots, replace spoiled terrain with the initial one with SimPE or HoodReplace.

[calligraphist-artemisia]

This Could Be the Start of Something

Written for the Kidge Spring Event!

Prompt 4: Rose or Carnation | Free Day

Summary: AU - Canon Divergence. Pidge hears the sound of voices late one night and creeps downstairs to investigate. Who would have thought that would lead her to a new friend?

Also posted on AO3 under the username Kishirokitsune

❀ - ❀ - ❀ - ❀ - ❀

Katie felt as though she had only just laid her head down to go to sleep, soothed by the sound of her father reading a bedtime story, when all at once she was wide awake. She laid in bed, mystified over the reason why she was no longer asleep and was about to close her eyes when she heard an unfamiliar voice coming from downstairs.

As quietly as she could, Katie slipped out of bed and padded across her room, gently pushing the door open so she could hear more clearly. Maybe it was just her parents listening to TV? They usually turned it down for the night, but it could be that they forgot. She held her breath as she listened, picking up first on the voice of the stranger and then, a little more clearly, her father responding.

There was someone else in the house!

But why? It was so late at night. They never got visitors that late!

Katie looked down the hall at her brother's room, wondering if she should go and wake him up, but quickly decided against it. Matt could be kind of grumpy when she woke him up before he was ready. He'd probably think she was being silly.

She would just have to solve the mystery on her own.

She crept down the hall to the stairs and slowly made her way down, listening all the while to make sure none of the grown-ups were moving around. It sounded like they were in the kitchen, which was perfect for her because she could even look in from the window cut-out at the bottom of the stairs and see who was there without getting seen herself. (She and Matt had practiced a few times to get the angle right, so she was pretty sure she could do it.)

Katie stayed close to the wall and very slowly moved into position until she could see her mom and dad, as well as a strange man with dark hair all sitting around the kitchen table. She listened for a moment to try and figure out what they were talking about, but it all sounded kind of boring and adultish.

She was about to turn around and go back upstairs when her mother said: “Travis, I wish there was some way we could help you and Keith, but we're too much in the public eye to take him in if anything were to happen.”

Keith? Who was Keith? Why would they need to “take him in”?

Katie tried to see more into the kitchen and find out if there was anyone else in there with them but wasn't able to see anything else from where she was. It would be risky, but she would have to crawl beneath the window and peer around the wall instead.

The question was: was it worth the risk of getting caught?

Katie took a minute or so to decide and eventually figured it was worth taking a chance. What was the worst that would happen if she got spotted? Maybe a brief lecture while her mom took her back upstairs?

She was about to make her move when she heard the sound of a chair scraping across the floor. She froze in place, her heart beating hard in her ears, as she heard a quiet, indistinct voice ask... well, something that she couldn't make out, followed by her mom saying: “It's just up the stairs, dear. First door on the left.”

Katie nearly tripped over her feet as she turned and hurried back up the steps, avoiding the spots she knew would creak and alert her parents. She probably wouldn't be fast enough to avoid being seen by whoever was coming up the stairs, but if she was in bed and pretending to sleep, then no one could prove that she'd been up. (She felt only slightly bad about lying, but it wasn't like it was a bad lie! She wasn't hurting anyone. She just didn't want to get lectured.)

She made it to her room and began to shut the door, but at the last minute left it open just enough that she could see who was coming upstairs.

It turned out to be someone who looked to be around her age, wearing a sweater with a deep hood that obscured their face from view. They stopped at the top of the stairs and looked to the left where the bathroom was located and then, as if they could sense that Katie was watching, looked directly at her door.

Their eyes seemed to glow in the dim light, not unlike a cat.

Katie held her breath for a moment, wondering what they would do next, and was somewhat disappointed when they continued on to the bathroom and shut the door.

What next?

Her curiosity was far from satisfied – she still didn't know if they were the “Keith” mentioned by her parents or why they would need to take him in. Why were they visiting so late at night? And what was with wearing a hood while inside?

There was only one way she would be getting answers to those questions and that was by asking, so Katie opened her door and took one step into the hall, where she waited for them to leave the bathroom. She wouldn't stop them if they didn't want to talk, though she'd be really disappointed if they went back downstairs without saying anything to her.

She stood up a little straighter when she heard the toilet flush and then the sink turn on. Nearly a minute later, all sound stopped and the door opened.

“H-hi!” Katie squeaked, suddenly overcome by nerves.

They stopped and stared at her. “Why are you watching me?”

“I'm sorry!” Katie blurted out. “I didn't mean to! I heard voices and I was curious... Mom and dad don't get visitors this late. I, um, I'm Katie.”

They seemed to relax a little at her response. “I'm Keith.”

So he was Keith. That was one mystery solved, but she still had so many questions! Katie fidgeted, not wanting to blurt them all out at once and scare him away. She'd heard other kids in her class talk about it enough, sometimes saying it directly to her face, and she knew she needed to slow down and give others the chance to understand what she was saying, but it was hard!

“I should go back,” Keith said, though he made no move towards the stairs.

It struck Katie as odd at first, but then she wondered if he was just as curious about her. “Or you could stay here,” she blurted out. “With me. We can talk. Or play a game. Or... I mean, we could just hang out. It would be kind of like a sleepover, but not at the same time. I don't know. I've never had one. I mean, I've got Matt, but he's my brother so that doesn't really count, you know?”

“Uh...”

Katie sheepishly ducked her head, feeling the warmth of a blush spread across her face. “Sorry, I know I talk a lot. You don't have to stay here with me.”

“I've never had a sleepover either,” he said, much to her surprise. “I don't think... I'm not allowed to. I should go downstairs.”

Thinking quickly, Katie said: “But if your dad's asking my mom and dad to take care of you, then that means you're allowed to have sleepovers with me!”

Keith tilted his head to one side as he mulled over what she'd just said. “Maybe? It's just... I'm not... I'm not normal.”

“You look normal to me,” Katie said with a dismissive shrug.

When she looked back on that night years later, Katie would always identify that statement as the one that truly paved the way towards a momentous friendship capable of withstanding any hardships thrown its way. At the time, however, it was just a single step towards getting to know the mysterious boy who was a little lonely, just like her.

Keith joined her in her room, where they sat on the plush rug in the very center, and Katie showed off the glow-in-the-dark stars that were plastered all over the ceiling. To her delight, Keith recognized some of the constellations that her dad had painstakingly mapped out, and was even able to name them!

“My dad takes me out to go stargazing sometimes,” Keith admitted shyly.

“You can't tell anyone, but sometimes me and Matt go sit on the roof with his telescope to try and see more stars. It's kind of hard here in the city, but we manage,” Katie told him. She bit her lip as a new question floated to mind. “Do you know why your dad is here talking to my parents?”

Keith nodded. “Uh-huh. It's 'cause he's a firefighter. He was just doing desk work for them for a while, but they want him to go back out and help people and he agreed. But it's dangerous and if anything happened to him, there isn't anyone around who can watch me.”

“What about your mom?”

“She's... gone.”

Katie picked at the long fibers of the rug, unsure of how to respond to that. “Well, what if I talk to my mom and dad and tell them you should stay with us! I know they said we can't, but I don't see what the big deal is.”

Keith said up suddenly, both hands raised to keep his hood in place. “I told you, it's because I'm not normal.” He paused for a few seconds. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Of course I can,” Katie responded as she sat up as well. She held out her right hand with all fingers except her pinky curled in towards her palm. “Pinky promise!”

Instead of looping his finger with hers, Keith pushed back his hood in a fluid motion. He slowly twisted to face her, his eyes downcast as he waited for her reaction.

For a moment, Katie was rendered completely speechless. She'd been ready to protest that of course he was normal, but that was proven wrong in an instant. His skin wasn't only dark, it was purple and he had a pair of vertical, pointed stripes rising up from the underside of his jaw. His eyes really did reflect gold in the dim lighting and she wished she could see what color they really were, but that thought flitted away when she noticed his pointed, almost elvish ears, and the fact that his hair faded out to a brighter shade of purple near the ends.

“You're an alien?” she whispered. “Omigosh, this is so cool! I've always wanted to meet an alien, but all of the kids at school say they aren't real! This is the best secret ever! I promise I won't tell anyone else. Not ever!”

Keith lifted his head, his eyes wide. “You really don't mind?”

Katie emphatically shook her head. “I think it's really, really cool! Can I ask you some stuff? You can say no if you don't want to tell me.”

“I, uh, don't really know that much,” Keith said, sounding flustered. “I grew up here on Earth and my mom didn't talk a lot about what it's like, you know, out there. I know she liked it here because of how peaceful it is. I think... I think there's some kind of war happening, but it's really, really far away, and that's why she had to leave. She's out there. Somewhere.”

Katie wasn't going to let the news that he grew up on Earth dampen her spirits. He was still an alien! Or, well, half alien, which made him super awesome in her opinion.

As she asked whatever question popped into her mind, they slowly laid back down on the rug. Questions gave way to sleepy remarks and jokes that left them both giggling until slowly Katie drifted off to sleep with a smile on her face.

Keith turned his head to watch her, marveling over the fact that he had found someone who wanted to be friends. And slowly, he too faded off into the realm of dreams.

[sonoda-oomers]

(forewarning: this post is full of opinions)

looking at project diva graphics got me thinking about how presentation and limitations affect art, or at least visual art. somehow all the project diva games when put together present this conundrum perfectly

i’ve only been able to see future tone’s ingame graphics for myself recently. up until now i’ve only ever seen it in compressed youtube videos and i was quite partial to it... now i can really understand why people have a problem with it. the detailed realistic shading, while kind of a standard in big console games, is almost a detriment to the stylized faces of project diva characters

i think this is also why dreamy theater’s graphics have aged arguably more poorly than their psp counterparts. assuming they use the exact same animation and expression data, unmoving eyes and stiff expressions and movements are a lot easier to notice and harder to overlook on higher framerates and resolution. in addition to that, i think in the context of the realistic 3d shading, viewers expect the characters to look and move a certain way, which the dreamy theater models don’t 100% match up with. it’s usually fine enough but if you look at the faces for too long the models start to feel sort of uncanny

animation and mouth/eye movement are improved in future tone, but they also cranked up the shading and add highlights which kinda. only serve to make the models look like unrealistically smooth dolls. i’m personally haunted by how their noses look with the shading it just. feels Wrong

(i honestly can’t say whether mega39s graphics were a step in the right direction or not because it’s a whole unoptimized blurry mess and the game was given much less care than it deserved. actually i lied my personal opinion is it looks even worse than future tone’s overrealistic look but if i present that as a point people will get mad at me)

but lbr i’m only here to praise f and f2nd. the colorful and stylized texturing on the models in f and f2nd are, i think, the true successor to the project diva style established by the psp games. (the real reason why they used the exact same graphics for ps3 was to save costs but i want to believe they learned from dreamy theater) the lighting work in f2nd pvs is particularly delightful in how it strikes the perfect balance between rendered and stylized that dreamy theater back then and even future tone now can’t quite achieve.

the first project diva game for the psp still looks really cute, and while it struggles to keep up the frame rates when anything but a void is rendered in, i’m genuinely fascinated by some of the decisions it made to function in the limitations and budget it had. there’s just something really earnest about it that i find dear ((especially now that sega seems to be doing a skyrim thing with future tone and project diva is very much a husk of what it used to be))

the conversation around whether games should always “push the limits” in how grand and detailed they can look, i think, come down to the age old debate on whether more rendered art is always better. while what you like to see comes down to personal preferences, i think it’s pretty much objective that art doesn’t have to be hyperrealistic to look good, and high-end graphic standards are detrimental half of the time (and that’s not even considering the strain it puts on game devs). sadly it’s not really something that can change until games can truly be made as works of art to enjoy and not products to be sold with all the “marketable” checkmarks they have to fill. but for now with how wonderful the handheld games are i think i’m content with project diva not getting “modern updates”

[meruz]

replying to some asks - lots of weird preachy art advice. just trying to cram every sophomore year art school lecture into my blog

ANON, PLEASE SEND ME A PICTURE OF THIS..........................

glad to hear it!!!! I always love to see sketches from other artists but somehow when I post mine I feel like it’s just...cheap? like its not ““Real content”““ LOL... but if even one person likes to see it thats all I need to hear

very interesting question, thank you for being specific because that makes it a lot easier to answer. This is going to kind of sound like what every other artist tells you but

1) Go to figure drawing classes/sessions! I know we’re in the middle of a pandemic right now but actually that might even make it easier to find because a lot of figure drawing sessions are being held online atm! Anyways, I cannot possibly overemphasize the importance or studying the human form from life. It’s something that artists spend their whole lives studying and still learn new things about. Nude figure sessions are far preferred over clothed ones especially for beginners but, really, any practice from life helps. Whenever you draw from observation, make sure to step back and really look at your model and then your drawing. What discrepancies do you see, what feels like its missing, where do you think you can improve, etc etc. developing a critical eye is crucial.

I think figure drawing classes are the best method by far but theres plenty of other ways to get the practice in. I do a lot of cafe drawing and drawing on public transport, personally. Drawing from life is vastly preferred over drawing from photo reference because the human body is a living thing and conveying it properly means understanding 3D space and gesture and movement, all things that are easier to perceive irl. A lot of artists draw from dance videos on youtube to at least get the idea of movement even if it’s ultimately from a 2D screen. Recently, I’ve been drawing a lot from rock climbing videos on youtube!

because they’re climbing you actually get a lot of interesting angles LOL... good study of pose-to-pose relationships too, actually..

2) Practice dynamically. If you can develop the eye to figure out where your drawings are lacking, you can practice with those weaknesses in mind. If you realize you don’t really understand the structure of a foot or the back of the head or the back when it’s arched, look up references and practice those things specifically. Sometimes it’s not in the specifics but the general - if you realize you have a hard time proportioning out the figure, draw guides for yourself and set goals to draw proportions before details. Stuff like that.

3) Box Trick. This is just the simplest way to get a set of guidelines down for perspective on the human body the same way you put down guidelines to figure out where the eyes sit on the head LOL.

but here’s something to keep in mind regardless: perspective is a game. You’re tricking the eye into thinking something is close or far when actually its just sitting on the same 2D plane as everything else. You can do the math and make all the guides you want but at the end of the day its either going to look convincing or its not. And being convincing is a lot less about being accurate and a lot more about confidently selling your point. So don’t sweat the calculations of proportions, make hands or heads or feet as big as you feel is right and trust your eye and your gut over your brain.

Hi, yeah sure go ahead! As long as you link+credit me, I don’t mind my work being used for non-profit purposes. Especially fanart like.. I don’t even own these characters LOL. Just, if you edit my art, please don’t use it to perpetuate like...hate speech or even edgy politics... unless they are edgy politics I have explicitly endorsed LOL. If you’re ever on the fence abt it feel free to ask, of course!

TYSSMMM yeah ideally I guess its just ? group therapy LOL? I feel like actually Ryuji, Akechi, and Haru are characters we see very rarely interact and when they do they seem very alienated by each other?? So I think it would actually be great for them to chat LOL they have a lot in common especially the fondness for direct action.

VERY NICE THINGS TO SAY TYSMMMMMMMMMM

I guess since I was old enough to hold a crayon? Doesn’t every kid draw? 

But if you mean when I started seriously drawing and trying to get better.. I guess I started carrying a sketchbook when I was 12-13 years old and I’m turning 25 in a couple days so it’s been 12-13 years about. I don’t believe that years have any huge bearing on art progress though. You can be drawing for 50 years without ever deepening or widening your skill set, if you stick to the same old patterns day in and day out. Similarly an artist who is proactive with learning new skills and targeting their weaknesses can improve in leaps and bounds in a matter of weeks.

The style I currently use for painting, I only really started using.... about 3 years ago? When I was a senior in college.

but i wouldn’t say I’ve “““mastered”““ it and I doubt I really ever will because I don’t think that’s the point... I’m constantly changing things depending on how I want a painting to look or the way I want it to feel... or how I feel on any given day LOL

the thing about art style is I don’t think it’s actually something you have to work on or “find”. An artist should change the way they draw depending on the subjects or techniques they want to explore. If I wanted to convey comedy, I’d draw characters differently from how I would if I wanted to portray drama. And if I wanted to focus on lighting I’d paint differently from how I would if I wanted to focus on the details of the human form. When I was drawing a lot of digimon fanart earlier this year I drew differently from how I’m drawing now while putting out a lot of persona 5 fanart LOL - even when the content is similar the characters have different gestures and different tone that I convey through any number of things, proportion, rendering, edge definition, color range, etc etc.

as you experiment with techniques and approaches undoubtedly there’ll be some you’re naturally better at or more interested in than others. and i think that’s what a person’s “art style” really is, the stuff that you gravitate to and come back to over and over even as you transform and explore.

not sure if that makes sense but.. that’s my two cents, anyway.

yea hit me uppp dude isellhotdogs@gmail.com lmk what you want and I’ll give you a quote

[kareofbears]

wither with you

Akechi raises a gloved hand and coughs, wincing ever so slightly. “I don’t want you here,” he says as bright petals escape through his fingers. “I don’t know how to make that more clear.”

“Why not?”

“What?”

“Why don’t you want me here?” Sumire brings her knees up to her chest. It does little to block out the cold. “Being here, by yourself. It gets tiring, doesn’t it?”

--

Hanahaki Disease is a disease where the victim of unrequited love begins to vomit or cough up the petals of a flowering plant growing in their lungs, which will eventually grow large enough to render breathing difficult.

read on ao3 or below the cut 

Tokyo is a busy place.

It’s constantly jam-packed with excited tourists and impatient suits and laughing teenagers. There’s lights, there’s cars, and there isn’t a lot of patience for those who can’t keep up. Eyes dart around, taking in the people, the atmosphere. It doesn’t matter how many times someone’s been there—there’s always something new to see. There’s always something new to miss.

There are spots, however. Spots that go under the radar of the hustle and bustle, of the city life so ingrained into the concrete and roads. They go undetected, and people can live their entire lives in Tokyo without knowing that these spots ever existed. With how fast life moves, these spots are respites; they act like small pocket holes of air for whoever wants it, or for whoever needs it.

Though the park is open to the public, very few people come to this section of the garden—it’s long been overgrown with weeds and tree roots make it dangerous for children to play in. When it rains, the ground turns into mud, making it unpleasant for strolls. The only plus side that it has going on for it is the aging, olive-toned gazebo with a bench that creeks whenever someone sits down.

In the end, it was the sound of retching that gave Akechi away.

He’s slouched over on the bench, eyes clenched shut. His breathing shakes along with his shoulders as he rasps for air, the rain doing little to muffle the noise. Even from this distance, she can see the petals fall and join the pile on the ground, bright and yellow like lemons.

“Would you like some water?”

He stills, and for a long moment, only the droplets ringing from the roof made a sound. Sumire lowers her hand, still clutching the bottled drink.

“Did you follow me here?” he asks, voice guttural.

There’s no point in lying. “Yes.”

A beat passes.

“That looks painful,” she says quietly.

Slowly, he raises his head, jaw tight. “Are you mocking me?”

“No. I would never.”

“Bullshit,” a smile splits across his features, and she winces. With a bright yellow petal still stuck at his bottom lip, he’s an uncanny match to a cat who just ate a bird. “You follow me here, to the middle of a random park to, what? Hold my hair back? Give me water? Give me a break and fuck off.”

Sumire shifts the umbrella in her hand. She doesn’t want to enter the undercover area just yet. “This is a nice spot,” she remarks. “I don’t think I’ve ever been here before.”

“And you won’t be coming here again.” His eyes narrow. “Are you really so bored that you stalk me all the way here for some chit chat? For small talk? Or are you just not getting the hint?”

“It doesn’t have to be small talk. I was thinking we can just...talk.”

“Talk?” he repeats, incredulous. “I don’t know how to make it more obvious that I have no interest, no willingness to talk to you. Why don’t you just run back to the little circus troupe and I’m sure that they’ll peel back some time out of their busy schedule instead of bothering me.”

“Are you busy, Akechi-kun?”

“What?”

She can’t help it anymore—her eyes flicker downwards to the small pile of petals by his feet, captivated by the vivid colors. He doesn’t miss it.

“Oh, I see now,” Akechi lets out a bark of laughter, the sound echoes against the trees. “There’s two things that you could possibly be here for: one, you’re here for a show. I don’t know how you found out, but you want to see it up close. You want to see the Detective Prince fall to his knees, for flowers to shoot out of his lungs and come out of his throat like a magic act—”

“That is not why I’m here.”

“Okay,” he shrugs. “Then we come to possibility number two, and to be honest, this one is much more infuriating and revolting than the last: you, Yoshizawa Sumire, pity me. You and everyone else in that ensemble of faux-heroism carry this guilt complex that gives you the drive to demean the people around you into believing that they need help, that they wanthelp, so you can show up, capes blowing in the wind, to feel needed. I don’t want any part of that—”

“I don’t pity you, Akechi,” she cuts in, stepping into the roofed area. He recoils ever so slightly. “And I’m not here for a show, either.”

“You are.”

“I’m not.”

“You are,” he reiterates, unwavering. “Because if you aren’t, then why are you here?”

“Because I’d rather be here with you than be back there with them.”

Akechi stares at her, and she stares back. After a moment, he shakes his head and stands, shoes nearly stepping into the delicate yellow pile.

“I’m done wasting my time,” he strides past without looking in her direction. “I don’t care why you’re here. I don’t care what your game is, or what you plan on doing. All I care about is you never stepping foot here again, so leave me alone.”

And with that, he’s gone, leaving her in an empty gazebo. Despite having predicted that outcome, his rebuke still stung.

The rain was loud, then grew louder still. His footsteps on the mushy ground can no longer be heard from where she was standing.

Sumire takes a shallow, shaky breath, and lets out a cough.

A single, pink petal falls into the yellow heap as the rain continues to pour.

—

She was already sitting on the bench with a plastic bag at her side when Akechi arrived the next day.

He studies her, and she lets herself hope for a heartbeat.

Then he turns around and walks away.

—

Her bottled tea has long since cooled in her hands as she waits for him to show up.

When he doesn’t, she tosses it in the trash with a grimace.

—

Rain continues to pour down from the gutter of the gazebo, plastic bag swaying from her fingertips.

Sumire coughs, and again. Each time, a flurry of petals escaped from her lips. She doesn’t see him today, either.

—

“Are you going to keep doing this?”

She glances up from reading the label of her ginger tea to see him leaning against the wooden pillar.

“Yes, I think so.”

Akechi raises a gloved hand and coughs, wincing ever so slightly. “I don’t want you here,” he says as bright petals escape through his fingers. “I don’t know how to make that more clear.”

“Why not?”

“What?”

“Why don’t you want me here?” Sumire brings her knees up to her chest. It does little to block out the cold. “Being here, by yourself. It gets tiring, doesn’t it?”

He doesn’t even wait for her to finish speaking—by the time she gets her question out, he’s already leaving tracks in the mud.

—

For three days, Sumire has the gazebo all to herself, with nothing but her drink and the autumn leaves to keep her company. Occasionally, a petal joins her. She doesn’t know if it’s from pity or punishment.

—

“Maybe you’re too stupid to understand what I’m saying.”

His cool mockery can’t be found anywhere today—with his open glare and tight jaw, it’s clear that annoyance has taken its place. Hesitantly, she calls that a good thing.

“I won’t mince my words,” Akechi runs a hand through his hair roughly. “I do not want you near me. I do not want you near this place. Every time I see you sitting on that bench, I feel sick. You’re a nuisance to me, Yoshizawa. I don’t know if your existence is to punish me, mock me, or worse, you’re here because your sad little heart feels sorry for me, but I do not care. Get out of my sight, or I swear I’ll—”

His voice falters, and his eyes flutter shut.

Sumire peers at him curiously. “Akechi? Are you—”

“Shut up.”

“You don’t look—”

“Shut up,” he hisses. “Don’t breathe, don’t move, or I’ll make you regret it.”

She stays deathly still, afraid of what’ll happen if she makes any movement. All she can do is stare as he clamps a hand over his mouth, brows furrowed, chest rising and falling shakily. In just a matter of moments, a light sheen covers his forehead. In the faint light coming through cloudy skies, he looks more exhausted than she’s ever seen him.

And just when she thinks that he’s got it under control, his eyes fly wide open and he lurches forward, his torso hanging over the edge, making the entire gazebo creak under a new weight as he vomits out a stream of bright, yellow dandelions. Petals burst forth and sank into autumn foliage in a grim way. She watches him heave up an entire bouquet, desperately clutching the railing to the point where there’s a risk it might snap underneath his hand. After what seemed like hours, Akechi finally slumps back, hair sticking to his forehead and sheer with sweat. The rain mingles in seamlessly with his stuttering panting.

Automatically, Sumire reaches forward to...what? Comfort him? Rub his back? She makes a fist around her plastic bag instead.

When he finally speaks, he doesn’t raise his voice above a whisper. “Was that what you wanted?”

Yes. No. “I don’t know.”

“I should have asked this the minute I saw you here,” his eyes slide sideways to meet hers, and there’s still a single petal stuck to his coat collar. “But why are you even here?”

When she doesn’t answer, he rolls his eyes. “Oh, I see. So you tail me, force me out of my own makeshift hideout, wait until I display a humiliating act of weakness, for seemingly no reason? And here I thought I was the sadistic one.”

“You’re wrong about that.”

“Then enlighten me, Yoshizawa.”

Before she answers, Sumire rummages through her plastic bag to pull out bottled hot lemonade (still warm this time), and places it next to Akechi.

“Might help your throat,” she smiles slightly. He ignores it, so she pushes forward. “It’s what I said, from before. It must be tiring. Exhausting.”

“To what?”

“To be by yourself. All the time. Especially with what you have to go through.”

“So you do pity me?”

“Far from it.”

“Then what is it?”

The smell of petrichor seems ingrained in the old wood, but fresh rain only makes the smell of fallen leaves even stronger.

"You're in love with Akira, right?"

Akechi gives her an empty stare, not a single emotion leaking through. "And what about it? What does that have to do with you being here?"

Sumire opens her mouth to respond, when she feels something catch in her throat. Quickly turning away, she coughs, hard. Hard enough that her chest constricts in pain and her throat feels like it's on fire and full of water at the same time, like a dam imploded and now all the debris is stuck in one area. For each time she coughs, a flurry of pink flies from her lips—a macabre hanami in the middle of autumn.

By the time she turns back to him, his eyes are wide, before it dawns with understanding.

“Huh.”

She can’t help but smile, just a little. “Sounds about right. That’s...that’s how I found out about you, actually. With how you looked at Akira—”

“Don’t,” he cuts in, and for the first time, his composed expression cracks; enough to reveal the hurt underneath. “I know. You don’t have to say it.”

It looked exactly how I would stare at him, too.

“Okay,” she whispers. “I won’t.”

Despite everything, Sumire feels...good. Better. The seemingly-permanent weight on her shoulders eases as the words left her mouth. It felt inexplicably good to finally say it out loud, to let her thoughts leak into the world, and to have someone listen in return.

“Is that why you’re here?”

She glances at him. He’s staring at the puddles accumulating at the foot of the steps, the stillness constantly interrupted by the never-ending raindrops that seem to favor them to no end.

Does he mean the loneliness that comes with this? The isolation? The feeling of being stuck, unable to move forward and impossible to ever move back, despite being willing to do anything to get rid of this humiliating sickness? The fact that even her own body is ashamed of her feelings to the point where it wants to make it known to everyone around her?

It doesn’t matter. The answer won’t change.

“Yes.”

Akechi nods like he understands, like he really, truly understands. And he does. Sumire lets out a breath.

“Sorry, by the way.”

“What for?”

Sumire gestures vaguely. “For invading your privacy. For following you to a place that’s pretty much become your oasis, and forcibly taking it from you.” She rubs the back of her neck. “That was kind of horrible of me.”

He scoffs. “You think that was enough to bother me? That was nothing but a nuisance. A drop in the bucket.”

She lets out a sigh of relief. That had been a point of anxiety for her, and there was a good chance that—

“As for forgiveness, however, I have to put that on hold.”

Sumire blinks, and he continues. “You’re right. You invaded my privacy by following me, and persisted even when I told you to leave me alone. That’s not something I’m willing to forget,” he readjusts his gloves. “I might be an atrocious human being, but even I’m allowed to have reservations.”

He glances at her, and he must see something in her crestfallen expression. “I’m not asking you to grovel for my forgiveness. I don’t want that—dear Lord, do I want anything less than that. I’m telling you that’s currently where I stand in terms of your apology.”

In truth, she doesn’t know how to reply, or if she even should. Sumire’s hardly spoken to him before this, and she’s not sure if they’re speaking now. Akechi Goro is incredibly hard to read. She brought this on herself—still, this is better than the alternative.

“That being said,” Akechi twists his torso to face her. “Why did you go through such an ordeal just to sit in this garbage, over glorified bus stop?”

Sumire frowns. “I think this place is beautiful.”

“That was absolutely not the point of the question.”

“I know, but I feel the need to defend it.” After all, it was the only thing separating them from the never-ending waves of rain. “You’re lucky to have claimed it before anyone else did.”

“Not lucky enough to keep it claimed, apparently.”

She huffs out a laugh. “True.”

He stays silent, and it’s enough of a hint that she takes a second to collect her thoughts.

“I’m pretty sure you already know what I’m going to say.” Sumire says it like a plea, like she’s crafting her own olive branch, but she should know better than that. It’s the price to pay if she wants to stay here.

“I know. But if there’s one thing that I hate, it’s guessing games.”

Sumire leans back against the bench, the wood cold enough to be felt through her sweater. “This place really is beautiful,” she repeats softly. “But it’s lonely, isn’t it? Especially if it’s just you here. It doesn’t matter where I am nowadays. It’s the same each time.” She tugs on her sleeves. “Ever since I fell in love with Akira, it’s been lonely wherever I am.”

She rubs her hands together. “It’s another level of isolation that comes with this disease, don’t you think? It’s one thing thing to be rejected before you even had a chance to confess; it’s another to have it broadcasted—” a familiar tickle makes its way into her throat, and when she clears her throat she can feel a few petals shift in her esophagus. It’s tough to repress another cough. “For everyone to see.”

“So you hid?”

“By myself, yes. In my room, in alley ways, bathrooms.” It becomes unbearable—she turns the other way, and frowns at the pastel blossoms. “It’s exhausting. It’s like having to hide your existence for no real reason.”

“I know,” he says quietly.

“But then I saw something that I can say, without a doubt, shifted my entire world.” Sumire looks up. “I saw how you looked at him.”

He stiffens. If she closes her eyes, she can see that same, open expression that he wore when they were in Leblanc. “I thought at that moment, I wasn’t the only one dealing with this.”

“And here we are now,” he finishes.

“And here we are now.”

A bright orange leaf breaks off from a nearby branch, landing gently into their shelter. Akechi crushes it with his shoe.

“Compelling story,” he commends. “But I still want you gone.”

She can’t quite muster the feeling of surprise. “Why do you want me gone so badly?”

“That’s what the problem is, Yoshizawa. It’s not that I want you gone—it’s because I want everyone gone.” He grinds his shoe into the leaf. “I don’t care about you, or much else out there. To be frank, I hardly care about the person I’m humiliatingly head-over-heels for. You want to know what I care about? Myself. Me.” When he’s finished, he kicks it away, pliant and smushed. “And I don’t want anyone seeing me like this.”

It makes sense; it lines up with everything she believed Akechi stood for. It makes sense, and yet— “Isn’t it so, horribly lonely?”

“It is,” he nods. “But I’ve been like this before I’ve met Akira, or the rest of the Thieves.” Akechi shrugs. “You learn to overcome the silence. It’s long since it stopped being a real problem for me. I don’t mind anymore.”

“Just because you know how to overcome it doesn’t mean you have to live with it, Akechi.”

“Live with it? There’s a lot of things I have to live with. This is just another one.”

For a minute, Sumire can only stare at him; at his crossed arms, his defiant eyes, and when she speaks, her voice comes out soft. “You didn’t even try with him, did you?”

He laughs, the sound filled with scorn. “Of course not. Can you imagine? Confessing to Kurusu Akira, only to be laughed at? Or worse, pitied? There’s no point. It’s the epitome of a fruitless endeavor, with the way Sakamoto has him wrapped around his finger.”

It’s both a blessing and a curse: once flowers begin to bloom in your lungs, it can only mean that the one you love more than anyone else in the world does not hold the same feelings for you. Detached, unrequited love. It’s efficient—quick, swift, but far from painless. The only reason one may even try to confess is to convince the love interest to try and fall in love with them.

Strangely, she felt a sense of relief at his words. At the very least, two people out there can have a proper love story. She almost feels happy for them.

“Figures,” Sumire says. “I didn’t either.”

“Let me guess,” Akechi rolls his eyes. “‘How tragic would it be if I were to even create a possibility of splitting up these two idiots. I would never, because I’m Yoshizawa and I have eighteen guilt complexes to take care of.’ Am I close?”

“Why do you say that like it’s a bad thing? There’s no reason to make it harder for him when I already know the answer. When there’s no hope of him loving me back.”

“See, it’s shit like that that pisses me off.”

“You think that I can make him fall in love with me?” she says, incredulous.

“No,” he clears his throat, wincing. “It’s the fact that you’re letting all of these people walk over you even when you’re clearly suffering and lonely and or whatever else came out of your poetry book. It’s the fact that you’re still somehow worried over Kurusu, when you’re the one in agony.” He coughs into the crook of his elbow a few times. “It’s the fact that you’re weak enough to push your pride aside and spend time with someone who doesn’t even want you here.”

Sumire watches a full flower land in between them, still bright yellow and horrifyingly intact. “You’re so obsessed with weakness, Akechi.” She glances at him. “But do you hate it more than being alone? Than being stuck here, in this gazebo, for who knows how long?”

When he doesn’t respond, she mutters, “Isn’t being here, in and of itself, weak?”

The rain slows down ever so lightly, unnoticeable unless someone’s been watching it for the past afternoon. Even the wind seems to be taking a break—the trees are no longer under vicious scrutiny, and the flowers around them don’t have to worry about breaking off from their stems anymore.

“I don’t know,” he says, and it’s the most honest Sumire’s ever heard him speak.

—

When she arrives the next day, he doesn’t say anything when she sits at the opposite end of the bench. When she offers him a drink, he firmly ignores it.

She considers it a win.

—

It’s quieter now. It’s always been quiet, but this is one she isn’t used to.

Instead of the white noise keeping her company, it’s a boy who barely looks in her direction, who coughs yellow dandelions up like he has a wild field growing deep in his lungs. Instead of the silence keeping her company, it’s the combination of rain and breathing that rings through the air. It’s not the still air of her bedroom, or an unfamiliar bathroom that she hides herself in; it’s fresh air, it’s the autumn chill, it’s a near-stranger sitting on the opposite end of the bench.

It’s a good kind of quiet.

They spend days like this. Quietly arriving, quietly leaving. Wrapped in silence and in each other’s company. Sometimes, one of them gets into a coughing fit, and the other knows to look away. The fits are mostly harmless, but sometimes they get rough. Intense. And it happens for Akechi more often than not. Every time she feels that she should reach out. Every time, she talks her way out of it.

Curiosity is enough to make the quiet step away for a moment, though.

“Does anyone else know?”

Akechi’s eyes slide from the horizon to meet hers, his gaze scrutinizing. “Are you joking? Of course not.”

“I should’ve known,” she shifts so that her hands are under her thighs. The weather is brutal, but she expected it. It’s better than the alternative. “I’m just surprised to meet someone else who has it too, given how rare it is.” Sumire pauses. “Then again, it kind of makes sense that two people who awakened inner monsters from our souls end up having to cough up a bouquet every once in a while.”

He doesn’t respond, which isn’t out of the ordinary. Usually, he likes to keep their small talk as short as possible. It doesn’t do much to discourage her. After all, it would be nice to befriend the boy she’s been seeing every day. There’s so little she knows about him, so many questions she wants to ask. There’s no one else she can possibly talk about this curse with, no one to share the burden of knowing how this feels. So she holds onto hope that he’d like to talk about this too. In terms of her odds in success though, she’s not holding her breath.

Still, she’s nothing if not resilient.

—

Every day, she brings a snack and a drink from the nearby convenience store and places a bottle of hot lemonade in between them. When he ignores it, she reluctantly throws it in the trash. It makes her grimace. What a waste.

On the fourth day, he sighs.

“Why do you do that?”

Sumire pauses in chewing her rice crackers, surprised—it’s the first time he’s talking to her without prompt. “Sorry, am I loud?”

“No. Actually, yes, but that’s not what I’m asking.” His eyes dart down at the cooling bottles and back at her. “Why do you keep trying to give me these cheap drinks when you know I’m not going to drink it? You obviously hate throwing them away, but you still do it.”

She’s about to answer when he holds up a finger. She pauses, knowing what it means by this point: Don’t you dare say anything about this.

He stands and leans over the railing, and she looks away just as he alternates between vomiting and wheezing. From the corner of her eyes, she can see him tremble ever so slightly. Her hand twitches towards him, but she stops herself. It would only do more harm than good. She hasn’t experienced this point of the disease—at least, not yet, but it’s inevitable. It’s a matter of how long someone’s been in love, rather than the strength of the love itself.

Questions pop into her head, and she isn’t as eager to ask these ones. Judging by the frequency of his coughs and his occasional tendency to get very sick, he’s been in this longer than she has. How long has he had it? How long has he been coming here? How long has he been alone?

Somehow, she knows that it was far before the disease took over.

When he finishes, he sinks back into the bench, hair sticking to his forehead. “The drink?” Akechi repeats, continuing as if nothing happened.

“It’s supposed to relieve throat pain. And you have throat pain.”

He squints. “Then why don’t you drink it?”

“I don’t like lemon.”

If she didn’t know better, it almost looks like the corner of his lip twitched upwards. “I don’t want you spending money because you pity me, Yoshizawa. It’s demeaning.”

“I don’t pity you,” she nearly sighs. “And fun fact: these drinks are buy one, get one free! So I can get my tea, and you can get your throat-healing lemonade.”

Akechi opens his mouth, a retort about to fly out, when he begins to cough instead. She gently inches the bottle closer to him.

When she looks away to give him any privacy an open gazebo can offer, she doesn’t miss the way his hands tuck the bottle inside of his jacket packet.

—

“You’re a liar.”

Sumire’s eyes widen and hopes it comes off right. “What?”

Today is a rare sunny day, and it gives the whole area a glow that she’s never seen before—the sun’s rays hit the still-moist grass in a way that’s pleasant to her eyes, and the colors of the autumn leaves strewn around the park had never been brighter.

“Your stupid ‘buy-one-get-one’ spiel? That doesn’t exist?” Akechi acccuses, looming over her. “Who lies about hot lemonade, of all things?”

She suppresses a sigh. Lying had never been her forte. “Okay fine, you got me.”

“I knew it—!”

“But I only lied because I knew you’d make a huge fuss over nothing!”

“This isn’t a fuss, Yoshizawa. You know how much I—”

“—hate being pitied,” they say in unison.

“See? I knew you’d say that,” Sumire groans. “How many times do I have to tell you? I don’t have pity for you. We have the same problem.”

“Then why lie?”

“Because you’d never accept it otherwise!”

The exclamation jolts something from within her throat, and Akechi must recognize her expression. He huffs and reluctantly turns sideways as she coughs, paying no mind to the pink petals that must fly into his field of view. Once she settles down again, Akechi raises an eyebrow.

“Well?”

She tests her breathing before she speaks again. Clear, for now. “Look. I know what you’re going through. I probably know what you’re going through better than anyone else in this world. Me buying you hot lemonade isn’t an elaborate plan to make you look stupid, Akechi—it’s because I’m worried that your throat’s going to split someday.”

“I don’t need you taking care of me.”

“That’s why I lied,” she repeats, for what feels like the millionth time. “But you just had to use your detective skills on me.”

Akechi glowers at her, and she gazes right back. “Are you going to keep getting me shit lemonade?”

“As long as you keep coughing the way you do,” she shrugs. “Yeah, I probably will.”

After a moment, the tension leaves his shoulders. “I don’t like feeling the feeling of owing you.”

“It’s a hundred yen.”

“So,” he ignores her, rummaging through his jacket pockets before throwing something small at her. She catches it and peers down at her hand: a bottle of ginger tea. “Apparently this is supposed to help your throat, too.”

She stares at it with wide eyes. “You bought this for me?”

“In a sense. It’s more because I don’t want you to think you have one over me.”

She can’t help it—a smile splits across her face. “You bought me tea so you can sleep better at night?”

“‘It’s a hundred yen,’” he mocks. “Get over yourself. And stop getting me the lemonade so I don’t have to keep owing you.”

“But you like the lemonade?”

Akechi shoots her a look. “This isn’t about the lemonade, it’s about you unnecessarily buying the lemonade. So, I am asking you politely: don’t buy me lemonade.”

—

When she places a bottle of lemonade the next day, he immediately stands up and leaves the gazebo.

Five minutes later, he returns with hot ginger tea and a fierce scowl.

“Stop.”

“It’s good for your health,” she argues, accepting the bottle from him. It’s almost a little too hot, given the lingering tingle from her palms.

“It’ll be bad for your health if you keep pissing me off like this.”

Sumire realizes something as she unscrews the lid. It should’ve been obvious from the very beginning. From the way he acts, to his hatred of weakness, to his actions and even something as simple as accepting convenience store drinks:

Akechi Goro hates to lose.

—

“You’re bullshitting me.”

She sets down a full plastic bag on the bench. “I didn’t know what you’d like, so I ended up getting a lot.”

The heat of his glare almost stings her cheek. Ignoring him, she continues to rummage through her groceries. “Are you more of a chips sort of person? Pocky? I like rice crackers myself, but I’m willing to share if you—”

“I don’t want any of this,” he hisses, coughing a little. “Why are you bringing a pantry into my gazebo?”

Our gazebo, she almost says. To be fair, it’s hardly his gazebo either.

“A few reasons.” Sumire starts setting down the contents of her bag onto the bench. Maybe if he sees something he likes, he’ll take it. Like a stray cat. A feral cat. “We’re here pretty often, and other than the drinks we keep forcing down on each other, we don’t eat.”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“And I stopped by the convenience store to get your drink—”

“That I never wanted.”

“When I saw this poster on the wall that said something along the lines of,” she stretches her arm out, painting a grand picture for him to imagine like a second-rate salesman. ‘Hot pot: the meal that warms the heart and body.’ And I thought since—oh, warning, I’m going to be blunt for a second—we’re both pretty heartbroken and diseased, that maybe we could use some of that healing hot pot.”

Akechi blinks slowly. “I don’t even know where to start with that one. That ad actually worked on you?”

“Why on earth would they lie to their customer base?” She frowns. “Obviously, I can’t just bring an entire hot pot with me to a park, so I had the idea of buying a bunch of snacks instead. So,” gesturing at the pile of junk food laid on her seat, and threatening to topple to his side of the bench. “We feast.”

The rain that starts to fall only works to emphasize the silence between the two of them.

And then he tilts his head. “You’re sort of chatty, aren’t you?” Akechi says, his tone surprised.

“It’s fine if you don’t like the snacks, but you don’t have to be rude about it.”

“No, it’s not about your sack of low-cost goods—it’s an observation.” He shoves his hands into his coat pockets. “I don’t think you’ve ever been this chatty.”

She stills, hand frozen over a bag of seaweed. The weight of the petals suddenly seem heavier in her throat, making sure that it isn’t forgotten. Her stomach twists slightly, and she feels sick. A foreign sick, not the one she’s used to.

He’s right—she’s not chatty. At least, not anymore. Not since the loneliness took over. And Akechi doesn’t hesitate, nor does he miss anything. The minute he saw a shift in her, he picked up on it like it was nothing. Like he’s starting to know her.

This is what she wanted, wasn’t it? To stop having to hide? To know someone who understands what she’s going through? That’s why she chased Akechi down the way she did; it was stifling to have to live with this curse by herself, to have a secret that’s literally too big to keep inside. And now that it finally, finally seems like it’s going in the right direction, a realization looms over her like a shadow from an impossibly tall structure. For the first time, she understands what Akechi’s been saying to her, with venom and a sureness of his words: I don’t want anyone seeing me like this.

Not hiding comes with something she forgot to account for—making herself known.

A wave of nausea settles inside of her, stronger this time. The first time she made herself known, she lost her in an infuriatingly avoidable car rash. The last time she made herself known, it made flowers bloom from within her lungs like an inescapable garden, a siren call that she’s paying the price for.

And here she is now, again.

“Oh, very funny.”

His words pull her out of her spiral, and she blinks into focus. “Sorry?”

He crinkles something plastic in his hand, his expression incredibly unamused. “You think that bribing me with jewelry is going to make you more superior to me? That it’ll make me buy you three more of your silly drinks in an attempt to get the upper hand? This ploy won’t work.”

“I’m not following,” she admits. Jewelry?

Sighing, he opens his hand to reveal a Ring Pop in his palm. “Even by the usual standards, this is an inept method of strategy. It makes me feel almost sorry for you.”

The rain picks up, a pleasant pitter-patter of droplets hitting the roof of their aging gazebo.

She can’t hold it in anymore.

Sumire bends forward and snorts, the sound echoing unappealingly across the park, but she can’t even bring herself to care. And when Akechi quickly turns his head away from her, all sense of self-control breaks loose and she’s gasping so heavily that she feels light-headed.

“I understand that we have an unspoken agreement not to mention the sickness,” Akechi starts, looking vaguely uncomfortable and still avoiding her gaze. “But I’d really appreciate it if you...did your business outside of the roofed area—”

A burst of laughter cuts him off, and her side is starting to seriously hurt. “Akechi—” Sumire tries, before a fit of laughter overtakes her, the sound so loud that she swears she’s probably disturbing the wildlife in this area.

“You’re so,” she gasps out. Her lungs are burning, and for once, she doesn’t want it to stop. “Funny!”

“I’m what?”

“This isn’t the petals! I’m just laughing!”

Just as she was starting to get her breathing back in control, he turns in her direction, brows furrowed. “Why are you laughing? This is a serious matter.”

That’s all it took to send her back into a spiral of hysterics. She’s laughing so hard that she can hardly see past the tears in her eyes. She’s laughing so hard that the sharp intake of breath hurts her throat, but it isn’t enough to discourage her. She’s laughing so hard that she forgets what she was so worried about.

In the back of her mind, she wonders when was the last time she smiled so intensely that her cheeks hurt.

She wouldn’t have felt this if she hadn’t come here. If he wasn’t there to say those words, or if she didn’t get oddly competitive with Akechi for no good reason.

If it meant laughing like this, talking like this, smiling like this, then maybe she can find it in her to make herself known again.

—

It doesn’t matter how many times it happens.

He could have a hand over his mouth, a narrow finger held up. He could be gripping the edge of the bench like a lifeline before running to a nearby tree. He could be leaned over the railing, knuckles white as he pukes out wave after wave of bright, yellow petals.

It doesn’t matter how many times it happens—Sumire will always have the desperate urge to reach out towards him. She isn’t even a particularly tactile person. In a way, they have that in common; neither of them seem to be in need of physical touch, and they’ve both been firm with each other about scrapping together whatever privacy can be offered in the wall-less architecture of their established gazebo. So she doesn’t reach out.

But today is particularly bad.

By the time she gets there—jeans soaked from the rain and shivering through her coat—it only takes her a moment to realize that his retching wasn’t normal.

Akechi’s sitting at the very edge of the bench, his head between his legs as he vomits. Again. And again. The stream of petals were there, except now there're the occasional fully in-tact buds that were so large that it makes him choke. It’s as gruelling to listen to as it was to catch a glimpse of it—a sound torn between a wheeze and a groan, interrupted only by more coughs. His body was curled in on itself, seemingly without his permission. With the way his entire form juddered, she can only guess how straining it was for him to carry.

She swallows. As slowly as she can, she sits beside him. If he notices her presence, he doesn’t say anything.

The rain continues to pour, unaware of two teenagers taking refuge in a spot that was never theirs to claim. Raindrops make a sort of haze that takes over the park, making it difficult to discern anything past a few meters from where she is. It gives their spot the feeling of a snow globe: encapsulated. Familiar. A stream of water drips down from the roof, to the gutter, and eventually makes its way to an ever growing puddle.

Sumire raises her hand and, before she thinks too hard, lightly rests it on his spine.

He stiffens, taking in a sharp breath. It’s entirely possible that she’s imagining it, but it almost feels like he might be leaning back.

And then the retching resumes, more punishing than before. Her hand gently slides up his back, and down again in what she hopes is comforting. Grounding. The whole time, she’s watching for minute changes in his expression, wanting nothing less than to decrease his discomfort.

She doesn’t find any.

After what seems like hours, he finally slumps forward, exhausted. Too worn out to muster much other than his breath. When she offers him his drink, he silently takes it, downing it all in one go.

The rain pours on.

—

Sumire hasn’t even stepped onto the wooden platform when Akechi bluntly asks, “Do you even do anything?”

“Please try to be more specific if you’re trying to hurt me before I even get to say hello.”

“Hello,” he sighs, impatient “And I’m not trying anything. It’s a question—what do you do when you’re not, I don’t know, crying in your bedroom and whatnot?”

He passes her drink as she passes his, repressing the urge to throw it at him instead. At least it seems like he’s feeling a little better than yesterday. “You’re rude, you know that?”

“I’ve been made aware, yes.”

Sumire flops down onto the bench, thinking. “Lately I’ve been keeping up with school. I’m having a little trouble with history. There’s this new anime I’ve been watching, but I have to say, it’s a little boring.” A pause. “Um, is there anything specific you’re wondering about?”

“Not at all,” he breaks open his seal and takes a sip. “Is that it?”

She scratches her head, strangely embarrassed. “I’ve been trying to learn how to cook smaller portions, since I’m not moving around as much lately. “ Not exactly easy to do her routines when she’s in constant fear of adding petals to her cartwheels. “I need new boots, considering my old ones are falling apart. I see everyone at school, too. They always ask me to have lunch with them.” She doesn’t mention the part where she declines every time. Shame and guilt bubbles inside her, but it’s less painful than what would happen if she says yes.

Sumire shrugs. “Between that and coming here, there’s not much going on.”

“I see.”

She breaks her own seal and takes a long drink. “Okay, I give up. What was that about?”

To her surprise, he looks genuinely caught off guard—his brown eyes widen every so slightly, and he raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve never done that before,” she says. “Small talk, I mean. It’s kind of strange.” That’s an understatement.

“What’s so strange about this? Just because I never made conversation before doesn’t mean I couldn’t. I’m fairly good at conversation when I need to be.”

“I can imagine.” In the few episodes of Good Morning Japan that he caught with him as the guest, he had no problem being charismatic and lively and enchanting to the audience. It’s weird to even imagine that now. “But you don’t do that anymore.”

“And thank God for that,” he scoffs. Tightening his scarf, Akechi turns to her, condescension clear in his eyes. “Am I not allowed to wonder what you do outside of the confines of this muddy park?”

Sumire blinks, before a smile stretches over her face. “Don’t tell me…”

“Ugh, you have the wrong idea,” he rolls his eyes.

“Akechi—”

“Stop.”

“You care?” she feels herself absolutely beam at him. It’s oddly endearing, witnessing his roundabout way of compassion.

He shifts so that he’s turned away, arms crossed. “Nevermind, you’re too annoying to put up with. Leave. Begone. Get out of my sight.”

Tapping her feet on the wood, she can’t stop grinning. “No, you’d be too worried about me if I just left you here.”

Akechi throws a dark glare behind him, and she holds up her hands. “Kidding!”

It’s more fun than she thought it would to tease him. Too bad he’ll probably go off if she keeps this up. “And how about you?

“What do you mean?” he mutters, still turned away.

“What do you do? Other than bullying people and buying me drinks, I mean.”

Akechi shrugs. “Nothing noteworthy. Since I don’t do detective duties anymore, I’ve had no obligation to make public appearances or work cases.”

“Well, you must have a lot of free time, then,” she presses. It’s something she hasn’t considered until he had bought it up—it’s not as if the world stops and starts whenever they’re both sitting here together, despite what it may feel like. “Do you have hobbies, maybe?”

He stays silent for a second, before: “Reading.”

“Reading,” Sumire repeats, considering his answer. “It suits you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks, spinning to give her a look. “How do I look like I read?”

She gives him a once over; from his tawny coat and his green scarf, it always makes him look sharp, but it’s more in the way he holds himself; his back is almost always straight, his shoulders pulled back. Akechi always seems confident in what he does, so sure of himself that it might take people a second to realize what he’s actually saying instead of being pulled along blindly. She coughs, a petal escaping her lips. “Just trust me.”

“Whatever.” He leans back into his seat, his expression curious. “Do you read?”

“Mangas, mostly? I used to read more when I was younger, but then gymnastics took over my life.”

“I’ve never been interested in that genre,” he admits. “It seems a little too close to make-believe to be enjoyable.”

She huffs out a laugh. “I can understand that.”

They lapse into a silence, and she can’t tell if this is weird. If this were anyone else, it wouldn’t be, but she’s pretty sure this isn’t normal. Sumire’s grown accustomed to Akechi’s distant demeanor, his emphasis on privacy. This is an oddity, a confounding variable she hoped they would eventually head towards but she still isn’t ready for.

Sumire doesn’t know what this is, but she knows she doesn’t want it to end.

“Do you have a favorite book?”

Akechi’s eyes slide towards hers. “I have a few.”

“Can I borrow one?” she asks. “I’ve been wanting to get back into reading for some time now, but I don’t know where to start.”

He stares at her, and Sumire almost laughs—only Akechi can be this wary about book sharing. After a moment, he looks away.

“I’ll bring it tomorrow,” he says quietly. A gust of wind blows, but all she feels is warmth.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

—

The bench is empty.

She studies it, scrutinizing the empty space where Akechi sits. It’s not the first time that she arrives before he does, but it’s rare. A tinge of smugness sets in her chest as she makes herself comfortable on the bench—it’ll be fun to tease him about winning today.

It starts to drizzle once again. The smell of wet grass and moist wood slowly fills the air, only adding to the atmosphere that she’s come to memorize and appreciate. The soft pitter patter makes itself prevalent on the leaves, so relaxing that it almost never fails to comfort her. Before, rain had brought her nothing but repressed memories and puddles of red. Rain had been a source of tragedy, a reminder that mocks her whenever cloudy skies loom above.

Now, rain can only be a source of pleasure. The smell clears her mind, and the gentle sounds are company that she looks forward to greeting. Even in silence, all she can associate with it is snarky remarks and quiet confessions. Of arguments and hot drinks. Of brown hair and sharp eyes.

And then her world starts to spin.

A horrible sensation takes over her without warning, a crossbreed between nausea and suffocation infects all of her senses, forcing her to lurch forward and retch so hard she can feel tears prickle at the corners of her eyes. It doesn’t stop there—the minute she thinks she can catch her breath, a wave of petals rises up her throat, choking her, demanding that she coughs and coughs until a hint of blood begins flooding into her mouth.

This is a torture she doesn’t recognize, an unfathomable overencumburance of agony. She retches again. No, that’s not true. This is familiar, but it’s evolved to a new level that she can’t even begin to comprehend. It makes her coughs from before feel like butterfly wings flapping in her throat. is a merciless tidal wave that shows no signs of stopping.

Her hand grips the edge of the bench, trembling. This is insane. The sheer amount of pain makes her nerves throb, her heart pound. It’s nearly on par with her Persona awakening; two different types of fabled events that no one should ever have to experience. Feeling lightheaded, she leans on her knees and concentrates on breathing, eyes clenched tight though she has no trouble imagining the flurry of pink falling between her boots.

For a time, Sumire stays like this: choking, coughing, retching, alternating between suffocation and sharp pains in her esophagus. It’s like she’s floating, tether snipped away, and now she’s drifting in an endless open space, with nothing but the petals keeping her company.

And then she isn’t.

A weight rests on her back, warm and present. She can’t bring herself to look up, and she doesn’t even have the strength to twist her head, but the presence is familiar enough that she doesn’t need to.

The touch is light, hesitant, and Sumire finds herself leaning into it before she can stop herself. It’s warm, enough that she feels heat through her coat, and he starts to gently drag his hand up and down. The feeling of that warmth spreads through her. She exhales shakily.

Sumire gets it now. Why Akechi had let her comfort him had been a mystery, but it’s clear. Obvious, even.

When you don’t want to show the world what’s wrong with you, you hide. Keep the world at arm’s reach, so that nothing else can get to you, to protect what little you have left. But in the process of maintaining that distance, you lose what you didn’t even know you had. That loss, it builds and builds, festering. And Sumire doesn’t doubt that Akechi’s been building it for longer than she has.

In the act of defending themselves, they’ve forgotten how nice it feels like to be comforted.

It still hurts, and she’s still suffocating, but she’s not floating anymore. Her petals aren’t the only ones who stay with her anymore.

It could have been minutes, or hours, but they both stay like this. The downpour continues, droplets intermingling with the sound of her choking and coughing. He doesn’t say a word throughout. If his hand wasn’t there, she wouldn’t have thought there was anyone beside her at all.

Finally, Sumire collapses back against the bench, mildly sweaty and shivering slightly, as if she had just run a marathon. She feels disgusting, and slightly unnerved—the sheer amount of petals at her feet is unsettling to say the least. Like the remains of a massacre taken place in the middle of a flower field.

Too drained to fill in the silence with conversation, she leans her head back and closes her eyes, enjoying the chilling breeze that hits her overheating cheeks. Akechi presses a cold bottle into her hands, and she has just enough energy left not to let it slip from her fingers.

“Your flowers aren’t violets, are they?”

Sumire opens an eye to find Akechi peering down at the petals, curious. “Though it would be amusing if they were.” He looks up. “What flower is it? I don’t recognize them.”

“Oh,” she rasps. “Cyclamens.”

He hums. “I’ve never seen them before. They’re an interesting shape.”

She can only nod. “Yours are nice, too.”

Akechi’s face twists. “There’s no need to pretend. We all know dandelions are barely considered flowers, if ever. Bottom of the barrel weeds, frustrating nuisances. I don’t even get the wishing type, only the yellow ones.” He smoothes out his features, turning it carefully blank. Her chest tightens. “Pathetic.”

“Pretty.”

He blinks, before turning towards her. “What?”

Sumire clears her throat, wincing. “The yellow ones,” she whispers. “I think they’re pretty.”

“No, you don’t.” He rebukes, measured and sharp.

“Nice colors, self-sustaining. Resilient.” She shrugs. “What’s not to like?”

When he doesn’t respond, she glances at him before looking away. There’s something so open about his expression, something vulnerable that she feels like she shouldn’t be allowed to look.

The air tasted wet and heavy with rain.

“Is it too late to accept your apology?” he asks, and she didn’t know he was capable of having a voice that soft.

Delight cuts through her fatigue long enough for her to scoot towards him, shoulder to shoulder. He’s surprisingly warm.

“You’re just in time, I think.”

—

She’s about to leave when Akechi stops her.

“Here.”

Sumire glances at the plastic bag hanging from his fingertips. “My birthday’s in March.”

“It’s the book, you massive hassle,” he rolls his eyes, impatiently shaking his hand. “I didn’t get a chance to give it to you yesterday.”

“Oh! Thank you!” she takes it, peering inside. “Are you sure you want to lend me this? If it’s your favorite book—”

“It’s fine,” he waves a gloved hand. “It’s doing nothing but collecting dust anyway. Take it.”

Sumire nods, and considers putting it in a sealed plastic bag to keep it safe. He’d probably make fun of her for it. “It’s not very long,” she notes.

“I wanted to start you off light. That’s only one of the ones I liked, if you want more—”

“Give me those too!” There’s something exciting about seeing Akechi’s interests, similar to seeing someone’s bedroom for the first time. “They’re probably really good, too.”

“Hold on, see if you like this one first,” he says. “I’ll give you the others when you finish, so you don’t have to carry around all of them.”

She gives him a wide smile. “You know, it’s really sweet to see you care this much, Goro.”

The name slips out without her consent, and even though she was the one teasing him, Sumire feels a rush of heat floods her cheeks. “Um, sorry, that was—actually, it’s fine, right? Unless it isn’t, but I mean, I feel like we can start—well, it’s up to you but—”

Akechi lets out a sigh, striding past her, boots sinking into the mud. “Let me know when you’ve finished the book, Sumire.”

Her chest constricts, not unpleasantly. “I will!”

She waits for him to leave her line of sight, before sitting down on the wooden steps. Pulling out the book, she begins to read.

—

“What on earth is all of this?”

“Paying my debts,” he replies, four full paper bags threatening to topple off his lap and off the bench. “You didn’t think I’d forget about something like that, did you?”

“No,” she says, staring as he struggles to reign them all in. “Because a normal person probably would.”

“A normal person would forget because they’re weak.”

“Yes, and you didn’t forget because you’re not very normal, Goro.” Finding it too hard to keep watching, she finally moves forward to catch them before they hit the ground. They’re lighter than she thought they’d be. “Snacks?”

“In that one, yes. But in these ones,” he gestures to the other two bags, a smirk settled in his expression. “I have legitimate food. Onigiris and sandwiches—none of that processed trash you keep feeding us.”

“Onigiris?” she throws his bags back at him forcefully (“Ow?”) and dashes to the others. “Salmon filled! Oh my God, you’re amazing.”

Akechi rubs his shoulder, but he’s still smug. “Aren’t I?”

“Yes,” Sumire bites into the onigiri, a burst of flavor seeping into her mouth. Amazing. “The greatest in the world.”

“Alright, that’s enough.”

“The best friend I could ever ask for!”

“Calm down, it’s just an onigiri.” He sighs, exasperated, but a little pleased—his own version of smiling. He’s been doing that a lot lately. “Pass me some, I’m starved.”

“I thought you don’t get hungry?”

“Just pass me the damn sandwich.”

Sumire huffs out a laugh and starts rummaging through the bag (Does he want an egg sandwich? Teriyaki? This is more stressful than she thought it would be) when he makes a noise of interest. “Is that a new sweater?”

“Huh? Oh, sort of.” She decides on the teriyaki, and he takes it from her hand. “I found it in the back of my closet the other day. I’m surprised you noticed.”

He shrugs. “Of course I would.”

Sumire blinks, but before she can ask what he meant, he’s already taking a bite.

She chews her onigiri, relishing in the flavor. She forgot how good these taste.

—

There’s a lot of things she’s been noticing about Akechi lately.

Once you get him to start talking, he won’t stop. He has an opinion on everything—from school (“A waste of my time, but I would never be a high school dropout”), to the police force (“Incompetent idiots”), and convenience stores (“Convenience, indeed. I’m a supporter of their existence.”)

He hates getting cold, so he has an alarming three layers under his coat. It makes her wonder how he’s even able to move with all the fabric he’s hauling around. It’s sort of cute, in a sea otter way. (He didn’t believe her when she told him that they have the thickest fur in the world, producing a forty minute debate. It was brutal.)

Akechi hates wasting food, so they have to eat all of the snacks that they buy for the day. It’s not easy to impress Akechi Goro by any means necessary, but the way his eyes bugged out of his head when he watched her swallow an entire onigiri whole is probably one of the funniest moments in her life. On the other hand, Akechi barely eats. He can’t stomach anything more than a sandwich and half a bottle of hot lemonade. She’s pretty sure she can eat three times that much without breaking a sweat.

At one point, she made him laugh. She remembers the way his eyebrows raised in disbelief, the way his hand flew to cover his mouth, but there was no muffling the snort that escaped through his fingers, a complete absence of his usual poise. Or the way his shoulders shook and his eyes were glowing with mirth, his laughter quiet compared to his normal speech, but it captivated her all the same. She remembers laughing with him, even though she couldn’t remember what she even said. That’s fine—she doesn’t really care about that part anyway.

He’s still rude, he’s still snarky, and he’ll still find a way to make sure he ends up on top. But she sees more than that, the layers hidden underneath.

Akechi is incredibly kind, as long as you can pick up on it. He’d never give out compliments, but he picked up on her favorite drink right away. He’s annoyingly smart and clever. He’s resilient, he’s proud (more proud than anyone she’s ever met), and he’s, without a doubt, her best friend.

He's also observant.

He scoots over when she’s shivering without saying a word. He asks her how her test went even when she forgot she told him about it. He knows what jokes make her laugh the hardest and which ones make her smack his arm. He can tell when she’s feeling distant, quietly opting for silence to give her space.

This doesn’t surprise her.

After all, it only makes sense that he sees her just as much as she sees him.

—

“Do you like the rain, Goro?”

“Not really. It slows down the city, makes everyone take cover and cram under roofs and random nooks and crannies. It’s nothing but annoying, really. I used to hate it.”

“But you don’t anymore?”

“I’ve come to appreciate it.”

A long beat passes.

“I think I know what you mean.”

A begrudging smile. A swooping feeling in her stomach. “I knew you would.”

—

Akechi reminds her of autumn.

Maybe it’s his hair, the shade reminding her of the leaves that fall to the ground when they snap from their branches. Or it’s possible it might be his green scarf that’s the same color as damp grass after light rainfall. Or maybe it’s something else entirely.

But it isn’t the chill that reminds her of him—at least, not anymore. He’s too much like the ginger tea he gets her, too much like the warm shoulder that she’s grown used to having. He isn’t like the outpour of rain that flows down from the roof either. He isn’t slippery, he isn’t incalculable. He’s a constant, he’s the one thing she knows she has, one that won’t just wash away once the clouds clear up.

The truth is she doesn’t know why Akechi reminds her of autumn. All she knows is that for some reason, when he asks her what her favorite season is, only one comes to mind.

—

“Taste it.”

“Ugh, no thank you. I told you I never liked that.”

It’s storming, probably.

“Then why did you buy it for me if you think it tastes like trash?”

“Because unlike some people, I care about the well being of others.”

She can tell that the raindrops were hitting much harder than it usually did. The splash is bigger with each drop that falls from the deep-gray sky, creating dozens of other, tinier splashes—a domino effect, a never-ending cycle.

“You’re foul, Sumire.”

“Oh, so you’re saying that to me?”

Thick tree branches shook and shuddered under the onslaught of the torrent, quivering and swaying. A curtain of water flow is coming down from the roof of their gazebo. Like a protective sheen that makes them invisible from everything else.

“I’m not mean, I just don’t like to lie to save someone’s feeling from being hurt. That’s an issue that they have to take care of.”

“That’s really nice of you. I’m still not drinking it.”

She’s not too sure if it’s storming though, because all she notices is the boy in front of her—the way he’s pushing his bottle of hot lemonade into her hand and speaking loud enough that the rain ceases to exist.

“A single sip.”

“No,” she bats away the ever-inching hand reaching towards hers. “I’m happy with my tea.”

“Yes, that I got you. My judgement is good, so drink it.”

“Why are you so bad at listening?”

“Why are you so bad at taking directions?” he mocks, shifting towards her. She shifts away. Sumire’s keeping herself an inch apart, though she doesn’t know why.

“Goodness, you’re something of a headache, aren't you?”

“What did you say?”

“I said that you’re a pleasure to be around!” She’s physically incapable of keeping the smile off her face at this point. “If it really means so much to you, fine. I’ll take a sip.”

“Finally!”

Triumphant, though she has no reason why, he offers the drink. Sumire stares at it with a frown. “Why do you care so much?”

“I already told you—it’s only fair that you drink it after you practically force it on me.”

“I did not force it on you.”

“Yes, I perfectly recall you lacking the capability of minding your own business—”

“Hey!”

“And I’m not saying I mind it anymore, but that’s when you really started irritating me—”

“You are being so unfair,” she pulls a face at him. “I wasn’t doing it to irritate you, and you know that. I did it because…” It clicks, and Sumire feels her eyes widen. “You!”

“What?” he asks, bewildered.

“Don’t try and act dumb, Goro.” She snatches the bottle from his hand, inspecting the sloshing liquid inside. “It’s interesting how you’re still trying to lie to me even if you know you won’t get away with it.”

When did they start leaning into each other like this? When did they stop taking the edge of the bench, shifting so deep into the middle that they can’t even lean on the handle anymore? When did they start talking like they’ve known each other for years, jumping off of each other’s banter like it’s nothing?

“Stop being difficult, and get to the point.”

“You’re making me drink this because you know it’s good for my health, even if I think it tastes like bleach.”

Akechi crosses his arms. “And what if I am?” he challenges her, his eyes twinkling with defiance.

“Then I’d say you should’ve been straightforward from the start.” Unscrewing the bottle, she finishes it all in one mouthful. A grimace twists her features. “It tastes like sewer water.”

“What kind of sewer water are you drinking?” he asks, incredulous.

“That’s no concern of yours.”

“Hmph. Whatever’s in it is probably the reason why you’re like this, Sumire.”

“Excuse me, and what’s that supposed to mean?”

Sumire. Sumire. She’s heard her own name thousands of times, relearned it in dozens of different ways, found herself time and again, but she feels like she’s never heard the right way to say it until now. She wonders if he’d make fun of her if she asks him to say it again. It would be a price she's willing to pay if it means hearing it roll off of his tongue one more time.

“It means that I don’t think anyone else could be as strange as you.”

“You’re one to talk. Goro, please listen to me. You are, and I’m not exaggerating here, the absolute most unusual person in the world.”

“You can’t say that unless you’ve spoken to everyone in the world.”

“That is such a you thing to say.”

When did she get to the point where she can say that and mean it? She should’ve kept track of it. Day X: Sumire gets to know Akechi better than she did yesterday. Tomorrow? More of the same, hopefully.

Instead of responding, he bumps her shoulder hard enough that she almost topples over. “Hey!”

“It’s not my fault,” he sniffs. “Perhaps if you were to wear six inch heels, you wouldn’t be having this problem.”

When did she get to the point where she never wants to leave such an old, abandoned gazebo?

“I mean in this in the kindest way possible, but are you out of your mind?”

“You know you shouldn’t be asking me that question.”

When did she stop seeing a gazebo whenever she came here?”

“I know, I know.”

Akechi glances at her. “I know you do.”

When did she start seeing only him?

A lull passes through them, and from the distance, thunder rumbles. She pays it no mind.

Sumire yawns, the rain making her sleep. His shoulder is only inches away, looking irresistibly soft. She straightens up, instead. Lack of sleep can be pretty dangerous.

They haven’t exchanged any words for a few minutes now. Sumire’s never felt the urge to break the silence with Akechi, but this is different. It’s not out of fear of making things uncomfortable, but it’s more like she wants to keep talking to him. She wants to see how he’ll react to what she does, or what she says. To see him furrow his brows, or roll his eyes. To have him complain about the world but praise the veiled corners of it. She wants to hear his voice.

She racks her brain for something to say—it would be too obvious if she brings up the arguments again, right?—when she becomes aware that it wasn’t between them at all. Not completely, at least, because Akechi was humming.

The tone isn’t one she recognizes, but her heart swells all the same. At the very least, that’s one thing she has over him: he’s a pretty bad singer. It’s off-tune and he misses every third beat. It can only ever be endearing to her.

Her eyes wander around, taking in the park for the upteenth time but feeling like she isn’t taking in anything at all—she’s too busy committing the hum to memory.

The foot of their gazebo was almost entirely surrounded by a few inches of muddy water, and it’s almost mesmerizing to see the large puddle react to being disturbed by rain drops. She lets her eyesight trail to the splintering beams that support the roof and cover their heads, and she almost wonders if there’s ever been anyone like them who sat on this bench. It would be impossible to tell.

And then, tucked into the aging floorboards, something makes her squint. After a moment, she realizes what it is.

Her heart stops.

Akechi pauses in his humming. “What?”

Sumire opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. Her eyes are glued to it in a hazy, half-lidded state. The kind where you just can’t seem to pull your attention from it, no matter how hard you try.

“Did you see a squirrel somewhere?” he huffs. “What’s gotten into you?”

Her fingertips tingle. She feels her lungs beginning to burn. Taking a breath, the burn goes away.

“...Sumire?”

“Goro,” she mutters. “When…?”

Akechi glances, and he must see something because he immediately turns towards her. “What is it?”

“When was the last time,” she takes a shaky breath. And then another. When she speaks, it feels like she’s loud enough that the entirety of Japan can hear her.

“When was the last time that either of us let out even a petal?”

The silence that followed was deafening.

Their eyes lock onto each other. Sumire stares at him, and he stares at her. Brown and red. Both filled with disbelief.

Akechi breaks the silence, standing to saunter over the edge of the railing.

Gripping the edge hard enough that she can imagine his tendons stretching taut, he coughs. Nothing comes out. He does it again—still nothing. Then he tries coughing, forcing himself to retch, squeezes his torso with the tips of his fingers and tries to shift any part of his lungs for something to happen.

But nothing does.

Slowly, he turns around. His expression is unreadable.

“Did you do this?” he asks, voice trembling. “Did you do this to me?”

“Huh?” It’s like she can barely hear him, like there’s a glass wall between them that nullifies his words until they’re nothing but goop by the time it reaches her.

He gestures wildly at himself, eyes wide and crazed and something she doesn’t recognize. “You. Did you do this to me? Did you fucking do this to me?”

The rain was loud, then grew louder still. “Did I do what?” she quietly says. “You’re not being clear—”

Akechi takes a step towards her, teeth bared. “Don’t shit with me right now, you know full well what I’m talking about.”

“Then stop dancing around it and ask me the question.” She needs him to say it. If he says it, maybe her world will stop spinning for just one second. After a second, she recognizes the odd expression, so strange and foreign on him that it was hard to recognize: fear.

Even the wind takes a break from its howl to hear his words.

“Are we in love?”

Sumire studies him, studies the person she’s come to fall in love with. “Are you asking if I planned this?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“Then what are you saying?”

She can pinpoint it. The moment Akechi snaps. “I don’t know, Sumire. I don’t fucking know, okay? First, I’m alone, and that’s fine, that’s fine and goddamn dandy, because what can I do about it? Then I mess up, commit a couple of atrocities to make sure that I stay alone, and you know what happens instead?” he lets out a laugh, so loud and unhinged that it almost makes her flinch. “I fall in love with him, because of course I do, because of course I latch onto the first person I meet who didn’t treat me like shit. Then I’m alone again, and good fucking riddance because I can’t stand anyone else around me. And I was fine. I was good. I was alright, and then you come out of who the hell knows where and—and—”

Akechi tips his head backwards, shoulders sagging. “And before I knew what was happening, I’d let you take anything from me. Anything.”

Absently, she realized she’d been crying. When had they gotten here? Slowly, she wipes away the stream of tears that have cooled on her cheeks, only for it to be replaced by a fresh one.

With wobbling knees, Sumire stands, and takes a deep breath.

“I need to go,” they say in unison.

They blink. And Akechi huffs out a laugh, but the sound comes out hollow. Fake.

Sumire smiles with him, but it doesn't come out right. "I need time,” she says, even though she feels her heart break when she does.

"So do I," he mutters, before his eyes flash. "But—"

"But not too long," she finishes. "I know. It's just—"

"Stop." Akechi cuts in. "Don't try. It's fine, you don't need to understand right now. I don't either. Just…” he hesitates, and it looks like his heart is breaking alongside hers. “Just be back here when you do."

Sumire opens her mouth, and the words are there, at the tip of her tongue. The words her body understood before her mind was able to catch up, a sentence so true that she never stopped to consider it's possibility. She can say it, and it would be much faster, much easier than this. She wouldn't need to go.

"I'll see you in a bit," she whispers instead.

Turning around, Sumire opens her umbrella, and walks away. She doesn't know if he's left, or if he's watching her go. She doesn't check.

The rain continues to pour down, drop by drop, falling from each cloud like it's inevitable that anything else were to occur.

—

The ground is littered with orange and brown leaves, a gentle breezy picking them up and taking them somewhere they’ve never seen before. It’s sunny, but for some reason, she can hear the sound of rain.

True to her word, she doesn’t see the gazebo the next day.

—

Or the day after that.

Sumire considers calling, before realizing that she doesn’t even have his number. That wasn’t something she considered, before all of this.

—

She considers buying a drink from the convenience store, and immediately dismisses the idea.

Instead of taking a left to the muddy path, she keeps going.

—

It takes her four days.

Four days before she can muster up the courage to see the bench, to see the gazebo. Four days of imagining this scenario, of seeing it from every angle, from every possible outcome. In every scene, she knows Akechi won’t be there. At least, not yet. And that’s fine—more than fine. He’s been in this hell longer than she can imagine, and that’s not something you can just walk away from.

She’ll sit on the bench everyday if she has to. He’ll show up eventually. She’s done this before. They’ve done this before, in what feels like a lifetime ago.

Rounding the corner, she stops walking.

Akechi’s leaning against the far support beam of the gazebo, just under the roof so that he stays dry. He looks ethereal like this, still except for the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. His eyes flicker to her when he hears her footsteps.

“Making me wait, Sumire?” he says, ever arrogant. It does something to her pulse.

“That depends,” she replies, though her pulse is so quick that it's distracting. “When did you get here?”

“About ten minutes ago.”

“Hasn’t been long, then.”

“Long enough, I’d like to think.”

She lets out a laugh, mostly to release some of the flutters she’s harboring in her stomach. (It feels so different from the clogging in her lungs and the suffocation in her throat.) “Still so demanding, Goro. I’d say our timing was on point for this one.”

He rolls his eyes, but his smile only gets wider. She can’t help but think he looks so good when he smiles. “I can’t help but agree.”

“Can—” she hesitates, and then steels herself. “Can I be clear? With you?”

“You don’t even need to ask.”

Sumire needs to say it. This isn’t something she can just hope he understands, not something someone can say for her. It’s the reason why she needed time, time to unjumble the words in her head and resting in her heart.

She swallows. Does she look as wretched as she feels? Can he feel her heart race a mile a minute?

“I followed you here because I was scared of being alone. Because I couldn’t stand to listen to silence anymore, or the white noise that everyone gives off. I was scared to live my entire life having to hide, of having nobody that understands what’s happening to me or what I’m feeling. That all changed recently.”

Sumire tucks a strand of hair back, letting her gaze fall down. “It’s because you were there, Goro. You let me stay with you, you let me be with you. You let me be seen. Now I’m not scared to be alone. Now I’m just scared of losing you.” She looks up, feeling unmovable with the strength of her words and the truth behind them. “And if you’re not ready for anything, that’s okay. I’ll still be here. I wanted you to know that, no matter what happens, I'm here.”

By the time she finished, her voice had fallen to a whisper. Nerves overtake her moment of bravery, though it does nothing to quell the lightness in her shoulders and stomach. It feels impossibly good to say it out loud, to put her love, her feelings, her thoughts, her everything into words for him to hear.

A beat passes between them, so heavy that it feels solid.

“Hey,” he quietly says. “Come closer.”

She blinks, before doing as she’s told. When she comes under the roof with him, he raises his far hand—gripped between his thumb and index finger holds a single bright dandelion paired with a soft pink cyclamen.

“I’m in love with you, Yoshizawa Sumire.”

He speaks simply and to the point; he doesn't feel the need to coat his words at this moment.

Her eyes widen, but he isn't finished. “Being alone was my plan. Dying alone was my plan. To rot here, to live my days here. I’ve come to accept it. I had already decided that this was my future. But, if it’s okay with you…"

Akechi Goro does not get nervous, nor does he feel the need to emote strongly if it isn't necessary. Yet right now, he shuffles his feet, and the fondness in his gaze threatens to overwhelm her. “I’d like for you to be my future, instead.”

He says it in a breath, as if eager to get it out, or terrified to keep holding it in. She can't tell—she's too busy trying to comprehend despite the sheer ringing in her ears. But even if she were to lose her hearing in that moment, or lose her sight as he spoke, she still would have understood the meaning in his words. The impact of it pierced her heart ruthlessly in a way she'd never forget for as long as she'll live.

A sharp intake of breath and three strides was all it took for Sumire to throw her arms around Akechi’s shoulders. He stumbles back, surprised. “What—”

“I love you,” she cuts in, unable to wait any longer. He stiffens. “I love you. I love you. I love you, Akechi Goro.”

Slowly, gently, he wraps his arms around her waist, and squeezes back just as tight. “I know that.”

“Good.” She’s so close to him that she can hear his breathing, his intake of breath—rhythmic, stable, and healthy. “You better.”

“But…”

She waits for him to finish. “Yes?” she says, when he doesn't continue.

Sumire feels him shift, uncomfortable. “But can you say it again?” he asks, not quite shy, but small, almost. Like if he said it too loudly, he might get in trouble.

Pauses, she arches back, confident that he would never drop her. “Are you sure?”

“Confident.”

Grinning, she says, voice clear and deliberate and tinged with defiance:

“I am so in love with you, Akechi Goro.”

He throws his head back and laughs, delighted, and she can’t help but laugh with him. In his arms, she is warm. She’s so, so warm.

It only makes sense that it all leads to this. It only makes sense that they fall in love with each other, in the midst of a gazebo that’s falling apart and an area of the park that everyone’s forgotten about.

It only makes sense that they have each other.

—

The two of them bypass the line (Akechi with a smug expression and Sumire with an apologetic one) to enter the busy restaurant. A rush of steam comes at them, mouthwatering broth and the scent of spice wafts in from all angles—a staple of hot pot dishes. Waiters and servers bustle around, hustling to every seated customer. They make no move to call attention to themselves—waiting isn't a hassle.

“You like it?” she asks. Her stomach grumbles and prays he can't hear it. “I thought it would be a pretty good first date idea.”

He sniffs. “It passes.”

“It more than passes! This is an A to me, and it should be an A+ to you.”

“It passes,” he repeats, conveniently looking away when she starts frowning at him. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I approve wholeheartedly."

“Good,” she puffs out her chest. “I was really looking forward to this.”

“Were you?”

“Absolutely. I mean, this is the first time that we’re not eating outside in a public area.”

His lips turn downwards. “While I can agree, I’ve grown fairly attached at our bench, as feeble as it is.”

Our bench.

“Oh, that reminds me." Sumire unbuttons her jacket, pulling out a book from the pouch inside. “I’m ready for the next one.”

Akechi glances at it, surprised. “Already?”

“It was a good book, but it’s sad.”

“Only in the beginning,” he argues. “It needed to be slightly depressing, don’t you think?”

“Maybe, if that’s how you see it.” She’s about to pass him the book when she remembers something. Flipping to the last page, she pulls her bookmark. “Oops! Almost forgot. Can't lose this.”

“Oh.”

“You like it?” she twirls it between her fingers, the pressed cyclamens and dandelions pairing spinning together, intertwined. “I love it. It's almost like you're reading along with me.”

She relishes in the way his eyes widen before flickering away. “I’ll give you the next one tomorrow.”

“Hurray!” she exclaims, sneakily moving her hand so she can hold his. But just before she can go in for the kill, he pulls away.

Akechi removes his gloves, shoves them into his pocket, before twining his hand with hers. “You don’t have to use stealth strategies in order to win my affection, you know.”

“I know,” Sumire says, swinging their hands back and forth. “I was just seeing if I could get away with it.”

“You know you’re not very sly.”

She shrugs. “I guess I’ll just have to keep practicing, right?”

The host finally greets them at the door, apologizing profusely and ushering them further into the restaurant.

Tokyo is a busy place.

It’s constantly jam-packed with excited tourists and impatient suits and laughing teenagers. There’s lights, there’s cars, and there isn’t a lot of patience for those who can’t keep up. Eyes dart around, taking in the people, the atmosphere. It doesn’t matter how many times someone’s been there—there’s always something new to see. There’s always something new to miss.

There are spots, however. Spots that go under the radar of the hustle and bustle, of the city life so ingrained into the concrete and roads. They go undetected, and people can live their entire lives in Tokyo without knowing that these spots ever existed. With how fast life moves, these spots are respites; they act like small pocket holes of air for whoever wants it, or for whoever needs it.

As they’re being led to their table, she feels him tighten his hold on her hand. Her heart leaps.

This restaurant is a different spot. It's loud, crowded, and filled with people who don't look past their own bubble. But in the end, the restaurant isn't her spot. Their gazebo wasn't her spot, either.

She glances at Akechi, and when he catches her eye, he tilts a brow up, curious. Unable to hold back, she smiles, wide enough for her cheeks to hurt.

Sumire finally found a spot of her own.

[maximelebled]

How I encode videos for YouTube and archival

Hello everyone! This post is going to describe the way in which I export and encode my video work to send it over the Internet and archive it. I’ll be talking about everything I’ve discovered over the past 10 years of research on the topic, and I’ll be mentioning some of the pitfalls to avoid falling into.

There’s a tremendous amount of misguided information out there, and while I’m not going to claim I know everything there is to know on this subject, I would like to think that I’ve spent long enough researching various issues to speak about my own little setup that I’ve got going on... it’s kind of elaborate and complex, but it works great for me.

(UPDATE 2020/12/09: added, corrected, & elaborated on a few things.)

First rule, the most golden of them all!

There should only ever be one compression step: the one YouTube does. In practice, there will be at least two, because you can’t send a mathematically-lossless file to YouTube... but you can send one that’s extremely close, and perceptually pristine. 

The gist of it: none of your working files should be compressed if you can help it, and if they need to be, they should be as little as possible. (Because let’s face it, it’s pretty tricky to keep hours of game footage around in lossless form, let alone recording them as such in the first place.)

This means that any AVC files should be full (0-255) range, 4:4:4 YUV, if possible. If you use footage that’s recorded with, like, OBS, it’s theoretically possible to punch in a lossless mode for x264, and even a RGB mode, but last I checked, neither were compatible with Vegas Pro. You may have better luck with other video editors.

Make sure that the brightness levels and that the colors match what you should be seeing. This is something you should be doing at every single step of the way throughout your entire process. Always keep this in mind. Lagom.nl’s LCD calibration section has quite a few useful things you can use to make sure.

If you’re able to, set a GOP length / max keyframe range of 1 second in the encoder of your footage. Modern video codecs suck in video editors because they use all sorts of compression tricks which are great for video playback, but not so efficient with the ways video editors access and request video frames. (These formats are meant to be played forwards, and requesting frames in any other order, as NLEs do, has far-reaching implications that hurt performance.) 

Setting the max keyframe range to 1 second will mildly hurt compressability of that working footage but it will greatly limit the performance impact you’ll be putting your video editor’s decoder through.

A working file is a lossless file!

I’ve been using utvideo as my lossless codec of choice. (Remember, codec means encoder/decoder.) It compresses much like FLAC or ZIP files do: losslessly. And not just perceptual losslessness, but a mathematical one: what comes in will be exactly what comes out, bit for bit.

Download it here: https://github.com/umezawatakeshi/utvideo/releases

It’s an AVI VFW codec. In this instance, VFW means Video for Windows, and it’s just the... sort of universal API that any Windows program can call for. And AVI is the container, just like how MP4 and MKV are containers. MP4 as a file is not a video format, it’s a container. MPEG-4 AVC (aka H.264) is the video format specification you’re thinking of when you say “MP4″.

Here’s a typical AVI VFW window, you might have seen one in the wild already.

In apps that expose this setting, you can hit “configure” and set the prediction mode of utvideo to “median” to get some more efficient compression at the cost of slower decoding, but in practice this isn’t a problem.

Things to watch out for:

Any and all apps involved must support OpenDML AVIs. The original AVI spec is 2GB max only. This fixes that limitation. That’s normal, but make sure your apps support that. The OpenDML spec is from the mid-90s, so usually it’s not a problem. But for example, the SFM doesn’t support it.

The files WILL be very large. But they won’t be as large as they’d be if you had a truly uncompressed AVI.

SSDs are recommended within the bounds of reasonability, especially NVMe ones. 1080p30 should be within reach of traditional HDDs though.

utvideo will naturally perform better on CGI content rather than real-life footage and I would not recommend it at all for real-life footage, especially since you’re gonna get that in already-compressed form anyway. Do not convert your camera’s AVC/HEVC files to utvideo, it’s pointless. (Unless you were to do it as a proxy but still, kinda weird)

If you’re feeling adventurous, try out the YUV modes! They work great for matte passes, since those are often just luma-masks, so you don’t care about chroma subsampling.

If you don’t care about utvideo or don’t want to do AVIs for whatever reason, you could go the way of image sequences, but you’ll then be getting the OS-level overhead that comes with having dozens of thousands of files being accessed, etc.

They’re a valid option though. (Just not an efficient one in most cases.)

Some of my working files aren’t lossless...

Unfortunately we don’t all have 10 TB of storage in our computers. If you’re using compressed files as a source, make sure they get decoded properly by your video editing software. Make sure the colors, contrast, etc. match what you see in your “ground truth” player of choice. Make sure your “ground truth” player of choice really does represent the ground truth. Check with other devices if you can. You want to cross-reference to make sure.

One common thing that a lot of software screws up is BT.601 & BT.709 mixups. (It’s reds becoming a bit more orange.)

Ultimately you want your compressed footage to appear cohesive with your RGB footage. It should not have different ranges, different colors, etc. 

For reasons that I don’t fully understand myself, 99% of AVC/H.264 video is “limited range”. That means that internally it’s actually squeezed into 16-235 as opposed to the original starting 0-255 (which is full range). And a limited range video gets decoded back to 0-255 anyway.

Sony/Magix Vegas Pro will decode limited range video properly but it will NOT expand it back to full 0-255 range, so it will appear with grayish blacks and dimmer whites. You can go into the “Levels” Effects tab to apply a preset that fixes this.

Exporting your video.

A lot of video editors out there are going to “render” your video (that is to say, calculate and render what the frames of your video look like) and encode it at the same time with whatever’s bundled in the software.

Do not ever do this with Vegas Pro. Do not ever rely on the integrated AVC encoders of Vegas Pro. They expect full range input, and encode AVC video as if it were full range (yeah), so if you want normal looking video, you have to apply a Levels preset to squeeze it into 16-235 levels, but it’s... god, honestly, just save yourself the headache and don’t use them.

Instead, export a LOSSLESS AVI out of Vegas. (using utvideo!)

But you may be able to skip this step altogether if you use Adobe Media Encoder, or software that can interface directly with it.

Okay, what do I do with this lossless AVI?

Option 1: Adobe Media Encoder.

Premiere and AE integrate directly with Adobe Media Encoder. It’s good; it doesn’t mix up BT.601/709, for example. In this case, you won’t have to export an AVI, you should be able to export “straight from the software”.

However, the integrated AVC/HEVC encoders that Adobe has licensed (from MainConcept, I believe) aren’t at the top of their game. Even cranking up the bitrate super high won’t reach the level of pristine that you’d expect (it keeps on not really allocating bits to flatter parts of the image to make them fully clean), and they don’t expose a CRF mode (more on that later), so, technically, you could still go with something better.

But what I’m getting at is, it’s not wrong to go with AME. Just crank up the bitrate though. (Try to reach 0.3 bits per pixel.) Here’s my quick rough quick guideline of Adobe Media Encoder settings:

H.264/AVC (faster encode but far from the most efficient compression one can have)

Switch from Hardware to Software encoding (unless you’re really in a hurry... but if you’re gonna be using Hardware encoding you might as well switch to H.265/HEVC, see below.)

Set the profile to High (you may not be able to do this without the above)

Bitrate to... VBR 1-pass, 30mbps for 1080p, 90mbps for 4K. Set the maximum to x2. +50% to both target and max if fps = 60.

“Maximum Render Quality” doesn’t need to be ticked, this only affects scaling. Only tick it if you are changing the final resolution of the video during this encoder step (e.g. 1080p source to be encoded as 720p)

If using H.265/HEVC (smaller file size, better for using same file as archive)

Probably stick with hardware encoding due to how slow software encoding is.

Stick to Main profile & Main tier.

If hardware: quality: Highest (slowest)

If software: quality: Higher.

4K: set Level to 5.2, 60mbps

1440p: set Level to 5.1, 40mbps

1080p: keep Level to 5.0, 25mbps

If 60fps instead of 24/30: +50% to bitrate. In which case you might have to go up to Level 6.2, but this might cause local playback issues; more on "Levels” way further down the post.

Keep in mind however that hardware encoders are far less efficient in terms of compression, but boy howdy are they super fast. This is why they become kind of worth it when it comes to H.265/HEVC. Still won’t produce the kind of super pristine result I’d want, but acceptable for the vast majority of YouTube cases.

Option 2: other encoding GUIs...

Find software of your choice that integrates the x264 encoder, which is state-of-the-art. (Again, x264 is one encoder for the H.264/AVC codec specification. Just making sure there’s no confusion here.)

Handbrake is one common choice, but honestly, I haven’t used it enough to vouch for it. I don’t know if the settings it exposes are giving you proper control over the whole BT601/709 mess. It has some UI/UX choices which I find really questionable too.

If you’re feeling like a command-line masochist, you could try using ffmpeg, but be ready to pour over the documentation. (I haven’t managed to find out how to do the BT.709 conversion well in there yet.)

Personally, I use MeGUI, because it runs through Avisynth (a frameserver), which allows me to do some cool preprocessing and override some of the default behaviour that other encoder interfaces would do. It empowers you to get into the nitty gritty of things, with lots of plugins and scripts you can install, like this one:

http://avisynth.nl/index.php/Dither_tools (grab it)

Once you’re in MeGUI, and it has finished updating its modules, you gotta hit CTRL+R to open the automated script creator. Select your input, hit “File Indexer” (not “One Click Encoder”), then just hit “Queue” so that Avisynth’s internal thingamajigs start indexing your AVI file. Once that’s done, you’ll be greeted with a video player and a template script.

In the script, all you need to add is this at the bottom:

dither_convert_rgb_to_yuv(matrix="709",output="YV12",mode=7)

This will perform the proper colorspace conversion, AND it does so with dithering! It’s the only software I know of which can do it with dithering!! I kid you not! Mode 7 means it’s doing it using a noise distribution that scales better and doesn’t create weird patterns when resizing the video (I would know, I’ve tried them all).

Your script should look like this, just 3 lines

LoadPlugin("D:\(path to megui, etc)\LSMASHSource.dll")

LWLibavVideoSource("F:\yourvideo.avi")

dither_convert_rgb_to_yuv(matrix="709",output="YV12",mode=7)

The colors WILL look messed up in the preview window but that’s normal. It’s one more example of how you should always be wary when you see an issue. Sometimes you don’t know what is misbehaving, and at which stage. Always try to troubleshoot at every step along the way, otherwise you will be chasing red herrings. Anyway...

Now, back in the main MeGUI window, we’ve got our first line complete (AviSynth script), the “Video Output” path should be autofilled, now we’re gonna touch the third line: “Encoder settings”. Make sure x264 is selected and hit “config” on the right.

Tick “show advanced settings.”

Set the encoding mode to “Const. Quality” (that’s CRF, constant rate factor). Instead of being encoded with a fixed bitrate, and then achieving variable quality with that amount of bits available, CRF instead encodes for a fixed quality, with a variable bitrate (whatever needs to be done to achieve that quality).

CRF 20 is the default, and it’s alright, but you probably want to go up to 15 if you really want to be pristine. I’m going up to 10 because I am unreasonable. (Lower is better, higher numbers means quality is worse.)

Because we’re operating under a Constant Quality metric, CRF 15 at encoder presets “fast” vs. “slow” will produce the same perceptual quality, but at different file sizes. Slow being smaller, of course. 

You probably want to be at “slow” at least, there isn’t that much point in going to “slower” or “veryslow”, but you can always do it if you have the CPU horsepower to spare.

Make sure AVC Profile is set to High. The default would be Main, but High unlocks a few more features of the spec that increase compressability, especially at higher resolutions. (8x8 transforms & intra prediction, quantization scaling matrices, cb/cr controls, etc.)

Make sure to also select a Level. This doesn’t mean ANYTHING by itself, but thankfully the x264 config window here is smart enough to actually apply settings which are meaningful with regards to the level.

A short explanation is that different devices have different decoding capabilities. A decade ago, a mobile phone might have only supported level 3 in hardware, meaning that it could only do main profile at 30mbps max, and if you went over that, it would either not decode the video or do it using the CPU instead of its hardware acceleration, resulting in massive battery usage. The GPU in your computer also supports a maximum level. 5.0 is a safe bet though.

If you don’t restrict the level accordingly to what your video card supports, you might see funny things happen during playback:

It’s nothing that would actually affect YouTube (AFAIK), but still, it’s best to constrain.

Finally, head over to the “misc” tab of the x264 config panel and tick these.

If the command line preview looks like mine does (see the screenshot from a few paragraphs ago) then everything should be fine.

x264 is configured, now let’s take care of the audio.

Likewise, “Audio Input” and “Audio Output” should be prefilled if MeGUI detected an audio track in your AVI file. Just switch the audio encoder over to FLAC, hit config, crank the slider to “smallest file, slow encode” and you’re good to go. FLAC = mathematically lossless audio. Again, we want to not compress anything, or as little as possible until YouTube does its own compression job, so you might as well go with FLAC, which will equal roughly 700 to 1000kbps of audio, instead of going with 320kbps of MP3/AAC, which might be perceptually lossless, but is still compressed (bad). The added size is nothing next to the high-quality video track you’re about to pump out. 

FLAC is not an audio format supported by the MP4 container, so MeGUI should have automagically changed the output to be using the MKV (Matroska) container. If it hasn’t, do it yourself.

Now, hit the “Autoencode” button in the lower right of the main window. And STOP, do not be hasty: in the new window, make sure “no target size” is selected before you do anything else. If you were to keep “file size” selected, then you would be effectively switched over to 2-pass encoding, which is another form of (bit)rate control. We don’t want that. We want CRF. 

Hit queue and once it’s done processing, you should have a brand new pristine MKV file that constains lossless audio and extra clean video! Make sure to double-check that everything matches—take screenshots of the same frames in the AVI and MKV files and compare them.

Now all you’ve got to do is send it to YouTube!

For archival... well, you could just go and crank up the preset to Placebo and reduce CRF a little bit—OR you could use the 2-pass “File Size” mode which will ensure that your video stream will be the exact size (give or take a couple %) you want it to be. You could also use x265 for your archival file buuuut I haven’t used it enough (on account of how slow it is) to make sure that it has no problems anywhere with the whole BT.601/708 thing. It doesn’t expose those metadata settings so who knows how other software’s going to treat those files in the future... (god forbid they get read as BT.2020)

You can use Mediainfo (or any player that integrates it, like my favorite, MPC-HC) to check the metadata of the file.

Good luck out there!

And remember to always double-check the behaviour of decoders at every step of the way with your setup. 99% of the time I see people talk about YouTube messing with the contrast of their video, it’s because they weren’t aware of how quirky Vegas can be with H.264/AVC input & its integrated encoder.

Hope this helps!

[ultrace]

Kraken Dice Woes

As I’ve mentioned in some previous posts, I am a big fan of tabletop gaming. D&D, Pathfinder, Seventh Sea, whatever gets people around the table having fun--and usually rolling dice. We love dice. Nikki and I have dozens of sets built up over the years. So, when Kraken Dice launched their Iconic Mythical Collection Kickstarter, we bought in. I’d heard of Kraken; these weren’t some Johnny-come-lately-fly-by-night operators. My money should have been in good hands.

Fast forward 15 months. Our dice arrived today (six months late) and, like the many people who left their comments on that afore-linked Kickstarter, we are deeply disappointed. There is nothing for it now: the very nature of Kickstarter is investing in a product without knowing what you’ll get. But Kraken’s approach to this effort, their repeated delays, miscommunications and overall quality of the product forces me to write about it here, in the forum most available to me. If you care not about the matter, you may bow out now.

We purchased, in total, 13 sets of dice. Whether that seems excessive to you, this was a special thing for us. But I throw out that number so that the following statement carries more weight. Not one of our dice sets matched the images and product that Kraken offered in their Kickstarter. One set came somewhat close: the standard Fairy set. Our other standard (layered) set, the Dragon Egg, was pale, faded, and lacked contrasting colors. That proved to be a common theme with the rest of our dice which were the “ethereal” variety. 

Can you, even with the assistance of the Kraken Kickstarter, identify the eight sets of dice I’ve pulled D20s from here? Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Give up? It was a trick question. There are only four sets here. Each set came with two D20, and I have stacked them on top of each other here. (By the way, left to right, they are Ethereal Kraken, Ethereal Saberwolf, Ethereal Hydra and Ethereal Banshee.) That’s right, the D20s in the first column came from the same bag. That also goes for the two D20s in the third column. Notice how pale and almost colorless the dice on top are. The second column are a bit closer. The fourth column are almost identical. That’s good. If only they looked anything like they were supposed to. This was the set I was most intrigued by: the Ethereal Banshee, which actually glows in the dark. And mine did glow! However, the dice themselves are clouded, muddied and lacking in any of the distinct pattern Kraken offered.

And there’s a reason for that. Kraken, in violation of Kickstarter’s policies on honesty, used photorealistic renders to show what the dice should look like. These renders look magnificent. No wonder so many people, including us, pledged. And I have not seen any pictures that show that the dice delivered to any person are what were offered.

Here’s another set I was looking forward to: the Ethereal Dragon. The swirls in this one are quite nice, and some of them come close to the render. Not perfect, but close. The problem is, it’s supposed to have two colors, purple and green. Where’s the green? Oh, sure, you can see a really tiny splash of it on some of the dice, but it’s practically absent.

The same goes for the Living Spell set, which was a hyped up set created by “Maze Arcana.” The renders on this were gorgeous, a bizarre yet workable fusion of yellow and pink/purple. Where’s my other color? All I get here is faint gold swirls. Super, super disappointing.

Perhaps my biggest disappointment comes from the set I was most looking forward to: Ethereal Phoenix. I have a particular fondness for red/orange/yellow style sets. The campaign shows tantalizing wisps of red and yellow in a beautiful clear resin base die. We ordered two of this and between them, I still can’t make one set that approximates what was offered. The best dice are shown up top here, and some of them are nice. But the others were just as off the mark as what I’ve already shown. And of the 4 D20s, there’s not one of them that I would trust to pull my character’s fat out of the fire--or put the other players’ fat into it.

The bottom line is that while I acknowledge the risks of Kickstarter, I feel this project has been mismanaged at virtually every step since its completion and I am saddened by the result and feel a little taken advantage of. Each of our bags of dice was marked with a different number from 1 to 6 (even those from the same sets), indicating what I suspect was some sort of inspection or quality control marking. To think that anyone looked at these and thought they were fine to send along is appalling. Kraken Dice has essentially forever lost the business of my household. I will be sticking to other mainstays like Chessex, as well as some new possibilities like Random Encounter Dice, and I hope you do as well, or else let the buyer beware.

[knifeonmars]

Capsule Reviews, February 2021

Here's some things I've been reading.

The Curse of Brimstone 

DC's New Age of Heroes books, emerging from the beginning of Scott Snyder's creative-flameout-as-crossover-event Metal, mostly constituted riffs on Marvel heroes like the Fantastic Four (in The Terrifics) or the Hulk (in Damage). The Curse of Brimstone is a riff on Ghost Rider. It's... uneven. The first volume is generally pretty good, and when Phillip Tan is drawing it, as he does the first three and a half issues, it's gorgeous and unique, when he departs though, the quality takes a nose dive. None of the replacement artists, including the great Denis Cowan, can quite fill his shoes, and the story gets old fast. Guy makes a deal with the devil (or rather, a devil-like inhabitant of the "Dark Multiverse" as a not horribly handled tie-in to the conceits of Metal), realizes it's a raw deal, and rebels. The characters are flat, lots of time is spent with the main character's sister haranguing him to not use his powers (it is, in my humble opinion, something of a cardinal sin to have a character whose primary role is telling other characters to stop doing interesting things), too many potboiler "I know you're still in there!/I can feel this power consuming me!" exchanges, a couple of underwhelming guest spots (including a genuinely pointless appearance by the old, white, boring Doctor Fate) too many flashbacks, and not enough of the action. There's potential in the classic demonic hero rebelling plotline and its link to the liminal spaces of the DC universe, forgotten towns and economic depression, but the wheels come off this series pretty much as soon as Tan leaves. The really disappointing this is that the series is clearly built as an artistic showcase, so after Tan's shockingly early departure, the main appeal of the series is gone and there's nothing left but the playing out of an obviously threadbare story.

Star Wars - Boba Fett: Death, Lies, and Treachery

I don't care much about Star Wars these days, and I think that most of the old Expanded Universe was, as evidenced by Crimson Empire, pretty bad. Death, Lies, and Treachery, is that rare Star Wars EU comic which is actually good. John Wagner writes and he's in full-on 2000 AD mode, writing Boba Fett as a slightly more unpleasant Johnny Alpha (who is like a mercenary Judge Dredd, for those unfamiliar) right on down to the appearance of a funny alien sidekick for one of the characters. The main attraction is Cam Kennedy's art though, along with his inimitable colors: this might be the best looking Star Wars comic ever. The designs are all weird and chunky, with an almost kitbashed feeling that captures the lived in aesthetic of classic Star Wars, and the colors are one of a kind. Natural, neutral white light does not exist in this comic, everything is always bathed at all times in lurid greens or yellows, occasionally reds, and it looks incredible. In terms of "Expanded Universe" material for Star Wars, this hits the sweet spot of looking and feeling of a piece, but exploring the edges of the concept with a unique voice. It's great. I read this digitally, but I'd consider it a must-buy in print if I ever get the chance at a deal.

Zaroff

Zaroff is a French comic (novel? novella?). It's like 90 pages and it delivers exactly on its premise of "Die Hard starring the bad guy from The Most Dangerous Game." It's pretty good. Count Zaroff, he of the habitual hunting of humans, turns out to have killed a mafia don at some point, and after miraculously escaping his own seeming death at the end of the original story, finds himself hunted by the irate associates of this gangster, who have brought along Zaroff's sister and her kids to spice things up. Zaroff not only finds himself the hunt, but he also has to protect his estranged family as they struggle to survive. Nothing about this book or its twists and turns is likely to surprise you, but I don't think being surprised is always necessary for quality. Zaroff delivers on pulpy, early-20th century jungle action, is gorgeously rendered, and the fact that Zaroff himself is an unrepentant villain adds just enough of an unexpected element to the proceedings and character dynamics that it doesn't feel rote. There's a couple of points, ones typical of Eurocomics, which spark a slight sour note, such as some "period appropriate" racism and flashes of the male gaze, but for the most part these are relatively contained. It's good.

Batman: Gothic

Long before Grant Morrison did their Bat-epic, they wrote Batman: Gothic, an entirely different, but then again maybe not so different, kind of thing. It starts off with what must be called a riff on Fritz Lang's film, M, only where that story ends with a crew of gangsters deciding they cannot pass moral judgment on a deranged child-murderer, in Morrison's story they go ahead and kill him, only for the killer to return years later to rather horribly murder all of them as a warmup for a grandiose scheme involving unleashing a weaponized form of the bubonic plague on Gotham City as an offering to Satan. Along the way it turns out that said villain, one Mr. Whisper, is a former schoolmaster of Bruce Wayne's, who terrified the young Batman in the days before his parent's deaths. It's an earlier Morrison story and it shows. Certain elements presage their later Batman work; Mr. Whisper as a satanic enemy recalls the later Doctor Hurt, and the cathedral Mr. Whisper built to harvest souls recalls what writers like Morrison, Milligan, and Snyder would do concerning Gotham as a whole years later.The art, by Klaus Janson, is spectacular. If you're familiar at all with his work collaborating with Frank Miller you'll see him continuing in a similar vein and it's all quite good, even when he stretches beyond the street milieu which most readers might know him from. There's one particular sequence where Janson renders a needlessly complicated Rube Goldberg machine in motion that manages to work despite being static images. The writing by Morrison though, is not their finest. The M riff doesn't last as long as it could, and Mr. Whisper's turn in the latter half of the story from delicious creepy wraith to a cackling mass murderer who puts Batman in an easily escaped death trap feels like something of a letdown from the promise of the first half of the book. Gothic is good, but not, in my opinion, great. It's certainly worth checking out for Morrison fans however, and I imagine that someone well-versed in his latter Batman stuff might be able to find some real resonance between the two.

Green Arrow: The Longbow Hunters

For a long, long time, Longbow Hunters was THE Green Arrow story. It is to Green Arrow as TDKR is to Batman, deliberately so. Mike Grell wrote and drew the reinvention of the character from his role as the Justice League's resident limousine liberal to a gritty urban vigilante operating in Seattle over the course of these three issues, which he'd follow up with a subsequent ongoing. Going back to it, it certainly merits its reputation, but its far from timeless. Grell's art is unimpeachable absolutely incredible, with great splashes and spreads, subtle colors, and really great figure work. The narrative is almost so 80's it hurts though, revolving around West Coast serial killers, cocaine, the CIA and the Iran-Contra scandal, and the Yakuza, and it's hard to look back at some of this stuff without smirking. The story begins with a teenager strung out on tainted coke sprinting through a window in a scene that's right out of Reefer Madness. In the cold light of a day 30+ years later, parts of it look more than a little silly. The 80's-ness of it all doesn't stop with that stuff though, even the superhero elements smack of it. Green Arrow realizes that he's lost a step and has be to be shown a way forward by an Asian woman skilled in the martial arts (recalling Vic Sage's reinvention in the pages of The Question), and Black Canary gets captured and torture off-panel for the sake of showing that this is real crime now, not the superhero silliness they've dealt with before. The treatment of Black Canary here is pretty markedly heinous, it's a classic fridging and Grell's claims that he didn't intentionally imply sexual assault in his depiction of her torture is probably true, but still feels more than a little weak considering how he chose to render it.The final analysis is that this book is good, but it exists strictly in the frame of the 1980's. If you're a fan of Green Arrow, there are worse books to pick up, or if you're interested in that era of DC Comics it's more than worth it, but as a matter of general interest I wouldn't recommend it very highly.

SHIELD by Steranko

Jim Steranko is sort of the prodigy of the early Marvel years, a young guy who came up through the system, blossomed into an incredible talent, and then left the company, and by and large the industry, behind. He would go on to dabble in publishing, work in other mediums, and generally kick around as the prodigal son of Marvel Comics. This collection, of both his Nick Fury shorts in the pages of Strange Tales and the four issues he drew of the original Nick Fury solo series, charts Steranko's growth as an artist. The book starts off with Steranko working from Jack Kirby's layouts with Stan Lee's dialogue and writing, and Steranko might be the one guy in history for whom working off of Kirby's blueprints is clearly holding him back. The first third or so of this collection really isn't much to write home about, as Steranko is obviously constrained by someone else's style, and at the end of the day those early stories still read as somewhat uninspired pulp compared to the highlights of early Marvel. There are flashes though, of techniques and ideas, which foreshadow what Steranko is capable of, and when he finally takes over as solo writer/artist it's like he's been unleashed. He immediately has Nick Fury tear off his shirt and start throwing guys around over psychedelic effects. He writes out most of Kirby and Lee's frankly uninspired boys' club supporting cast, he makes Fury visibly older, wearier, but also so much cooler. It's the birth of Nick Fury as a distinctly comic book super spy.By the time he finishes wrapping up the previous writers' plotline with Hydra and Baron von Strucker, Steranko is firing on all cylinders. By the time it gets to Steranko's Fury solo series, he's somehow surpassed himself, turning in effects, panel structures, and weird stories which make the earlier installment about a suit-wearing Man from UNCLE knockoff and its strict six-panel layouts look absolutely fossilized.I can't recommend this collection highly enough for any fan of the artform, even if the stories themselves might not be everyone's cup of tear. It's truly incredible to watch Steranko emerge as an artist over the course of this single collection. The book itself has a few problems, it's not the most elegantly designed in its supporting materials and index, but the content of it more than outweighs that. It's great stuff.