#I think I’m going to end up having two surgeries honestly

[hi-its-meg]

How much bodies can change is actually insane 🙈

[filmbyjy]

ONE NOTE

SYNOPSIS > When you turned 18, you heard your best friend’s favourite song. Turns out, it was just one of the various signs to finding your soulmate. However, you couldn’t bring this up to jake. Not when he was in a happy relationship with your other best friend! Would you choose heartbreak or sacrifice your happiness for the sake of keeping the friendship?

EIGHTEEN – the first petal

MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

WC: 0.9K words

a/n: please note there is a written part after these 6 pictures!! don't forget to read it because it is part of something important.

“breathe.” yvette says as she pats your back. it was suffocating. the sink was bloodied up, splatters of blood that you had coughed up in a span of 5 minutes. mae runs in with a bottle in her hands.

“here, drink up.” she quickly opens the bottle up and hands it over to you. you took the bottle and quickly drank it.

“why didn’t you tell us it was this bad. we obviously knew that jake was your soulmate but we didn’t think that your body would react this way.” yvette looks at you.

“you’d honestly think that this disease would be a mythical thing but it is very much true.” mae says. you felt the tears fall down your face. yvette wipes them for you. she looks at you with such pity and such care.

“man, fuck that bitch.” she declares. “making such a sexy girl cry? not very girl’s girl coded of her.”

“she doesn’t know. i don’t think jake would tell her. besides, he doesn’t even know i’m his soulmate.”

“well, i think she would find out either ways. she’s such a weirdo.” mae huffs. yvette nods.

“what are you going to do?” yvette asks.

“live with it.”

“but you’re going to cough out blood if you keep seeing them so loving and disgusting.”

“it’s okay. once it gets worse, i’ll just get the surgery.”

“to remove your feelings? (name), you can’t seriously be thinking of doing this.” mae sighs. “i’ve seen people decide to go through with the surgery, they aren’t like themselves. once you do it, there will also be complications in the end. you won’t live for long.”

“there is no other way. if end up dead then so be it. i can’t let jake know. he’s very much in love with aria. he would never love me.” you sobbed. yvette pulls you closer and keeps you in her arms.

“hey hey, let’s not talk about death. you’re alive and well right now. let’s live your life to the fullest and make the best out of it. you aren’t dying.” she mutters. mae grabs your hand and lightly squeezes it.

“yeah, who cares about jake and aria. you have sunghoon, your friends, your brother and us. we are there for you.”

you were thankful for the people who were close to you. you had wiped your tears and nodded. “you’re right.”

there were a series of knocks at the bathroom door. yvette rolls her eyes and opens the door. “we’re having a sentimental moment here.”

“sorry, girls. just checking in to see if (name) is okay.” jay says.

“that or are you already missing mae?” yvette folds her arms. jay awkwardly laughs a little.

“maybe but i’m more concerned for my best friend of course.” you laughed a little and sniffled. you pushed mae forward towards jay.

“take her oh my god. you find out she’s your soulmate and you can’t stop being away from her.”

jay shrugs. sunghoon steps forward and hugs you.

"I'm not dying, hoon."

"just let me hug you. you need it." he says. your smile falters a little. "you can cry, you know?"

"i already cried just now."

"and? you can cry again and I wouldn't judge."

"I know you won't, hoon."

your brother comes up to you. "okay, break it up. can I hug my sister?"

sunghoon lets you go, and leehan easily replaces him. "when did you get so big?"

"I've always been big." he says. you laughed.

"okay, but you're my baby brother."

"yes, i am." you ruffled his hair and he pulls back from the hug.

"let's go back. those two are probably wondering where we are." taesan says.

"the last i saw them they were making out-" *whack* ni-ki winces when sun whacks him.

"don't even mention that." sunoo warns.

"right, sorry noona." ni-ki pouts. you sighed a little.

"it's fine, ni-ki."

you could see jake and aria coming closer to the group. jake was mainly concerned about everyone but aria...she's just kinda following jake.

"hey, why is everyone gathering around here?" jake asks.

"oh, there was a slight mishap so (name) called the girls over. we were worried so we waited outside for them." heeseung explains.

"you could've told us."

"yeah, but you were busy making out with aria so we didn't want to bother the both of you." sunghoon says. there was a petty tone underlying as he tells jake.

"what the fuck is your problem?" jake comes up to sunghoon. sunghoon scoffs.

"nothing."

"nothing? you said that the other time and then you went on a tangent hating on my girlfriend." jake folds his arms.

sunghoon rolls his eyes. "well, I'm right either ways. you were sooooo oblivious and busy with aria that even when (name) got hurt or had an issue you didn't care."

"she's fine now, isn't she? you guys took good care of her. she's in good hands, so i trust you guys to care for her. after all, I'm just her best friend and I am busy with my girlfriend. You don't understand me because you don't have a girlfriend!" jake yells at sunghoon.

you start to cough up again. this time when you look down at your hand, not only was there blood but there was a petal. the first petal to have ever appeared. you had looked up to see everyone staring at you. jake's jaw dropped when he saw the blood in your palms.

you didn't know what else to do other than run away. sunghoon glared at jake once more before he runs after you.

this was moving too fast...

were you dying?

taglist[open]: @sumzysworld @mitmit01 @moon3verland @baribaaari @byty2k @alex-is-sleeping @viagumi @txtlyn @belovedsthings @woninluv @dreamiestay @niniissus @kyutiepeachy @yoongisbaguetteshoes @squiishymeow @jjaammm @enhaz1 @illvding @woniejjang @bee-the-loser @laurradoesloveu @ckline35 @ningx2stan @hoonlvly @clampclover @xyzyx01 @victoriasimm @eneiyri @nshmrarki @woorcve @bubblytaetae @i03jae @soobieboobiedoobiedaboobie @l1wv00n @onlyhyunjin @kyanmeai @isa942572 @lisaswifey @alisonyus @firstclassjaylee @szkstay @enhamysunshines @milanco @hsbae @zyvlxqht @lixiebokie @wth121 @enahasblog @gongiz @anuisamazing @heestrawberries @gyehyeonist @nshmurarki @heelovesmeknot @silquids

(bolded can’t be tagged)

[cherry-pop-elf]

New Chapter

Anya x Reader

Can be read as platonic because we all want the best for her

SUM: Anya gets an abortion so you and the rest of the crew wait for her. You were the first one, however, to see her after surgery. Also because fuck you, abortion rights

Warnings: Abortion, sexual assault, jimmy, medical situations, abortion rights, domestic happy family

“How long is it gonna take?” Daisuke asked, as he was worried but also excited. Excited for Anya to feel better. Worried for well….Not like he’s had the best reactions to medical situations. Example A being Curly in the wheelchair next to him.

Curly was doing so much better now that he was actually on the planet again. The doctors were still jaw dropped that Anya was able to keep him alive with so little. Was not only a testimony to how she refused for him to die, but him refusing to leave his crew behind as well. It’s still a long journey ahead, but he was in clean bandages and clothes at least. Was even able to talk again. Sorta. Rather raspy but he will get there.

Jeez where to start on how you all got here to begin with.

“She’s going to be fine. Abortion is way less invasive than you think. It really depends on how far along, but luckily she isn’t too far for it to be to extreme. Not sure what type she went for, but whatever she chose she chooses. Just grateful we were able to return home before she reached to far along.” You would admit, as you would check up on Curly’s IV bag for him. Taking over Anya’s roll until she could return.

“Ya know….My wife had an abortion.” Swansea said, and it made all of you look over to him in pure surprise.

“What’s the funny look for? Ya think I’m a freak that would refuse my wife that? She needed it! The kid just….It ain’t my place, but the kid just wasn’t gonna survive. Either she carried it to term and die with em, or she just skips the heart ache. Not like it was her fault. We got two healthy girls at the end of the day. We got em because she got rid of that fucked up one.” He explained, as Daisuke seemed wide eyed in respect.

Explains why he snapped more clearly.

Anya had explained to Swansea what had happened, and before you pre Daisuke knew it Jimmy’s head was sliced off and rolling across the kitchen floor. Poor Suke threw up all over you from the sight, and shock. Then threw up again when he learned why he did such a thing. Lots of puking and crying. Fitting.

“Glad that damn company is dead. Whose wise idea was it to have a single woman surrounded by men. No offense you two-“ Curly would wheeze, before you would help him take his medication. Sure is easier to take pills when you actually give him water and take it slow. No choking or crying.

“Thats a can of worms I don’t want us to talk about.” Swansea would scoff. As a father to two girls he had a lot of things to say. Daisuke would be willing to listen, sure, but honestly you all had enough emotional fatigue to last multiple life times.

Thank god Curly was so high up on the food chain at the company. They knew they would get into more hot water if their, once, top captain suddenly vanished. Wouldn’t make their bankruptcy any smoother. For once they did the right thing and sent Simeon to save them.

Funny. A capitalist corporate organization took responsibility for their actions. For the right reasons? No. But they still took it. Strange. Isn’t it?

“Is she done yet?” Daisuke would whine, as you laughed at his childish nature. As if waiting on a sister to get out of the dentists office. You found it rather endearing honestly. That despite it all he was still having a heart full of love and excitement.

“Go play on your toy.” Swansea would grumble, as Suke whined. Regardless he would pull out his game boy. A nice excuse to play video games with out any guilt on wasting his time. Enjoying life shouldn’t be a burden.

“Need anything, Curly?” You would ask him, since you planned on going to the bathroom. Yeah Swansea and Daisuke could handle him, but you still wanted to be polite. Maybe you could grab him something from the vending machines. Maybe a soda. Some sugar in his system would do him good. Anya said that sugary bubble water of some kind, like sprite, can help quite a lot with indigestion.

“I should be fine. Thank you for asking though. Sorry you have to…” He would admit, as he looked himself over. His missing limbs now properly covered up with fabric to keep them clean, and allow him some kind of independence. The fabric on the stumps were padded. With enough practice and effort he would certainly be able to roll himself around.

Then again this was a world of space travel. He was going to get cyborged eventually, but you need to be healed first before such an intense operation. Can’t rush something like this.

“Hey. I do it because I can. Not because I have to. You are our captain. Let me be a good solider.” You teased him, and even in his broken face you could see a smile.

Swansea have you a head nod to indicate he would ‘take care of the boys’ and you were off to use the restroom.

Once done with that you would grab a soda from the vending machine for Curly, a bag of candy for Daisuke, and some pretzels for Swansea. As you were making your way back a nurse would motion you over.

“Miss Anya was asking for you. She has finished her operation, and wanted you to see her.”

You were surprised at that. You expected Curly to be her first guest. Did something go wrong? Oh you couldn’t help but freak out.

You followed after the nurse quickly, and all you were shown was Anya resting in her hospital bed. Tired, but relieved. Mostly. You saw that familiar stress in her eyes. That same stress she had when asking you if she made the right choice in asking Jimmy for help with medicating Curly.

That worry of if I did the right thing.

The nurse would leave you to alone, and you would quickly set the snacks aside. Now you were sitting next to her, in a chair, and holding her hand. Ready to be the shoulder she needed.

“Hey there Doc. How you doing?” You asked her, as you carefully stroked the back of her hand. Made sure to be mindful of all the tubes and wires.

“Well….It went far smoother than I expected. It was just so quick. They didn’t even need to put me under. The IV is more so for the issues I already had because of being stranded on the ship for so long. It was just so quick. So painless. Was just like pulling a thorn out of an arm. It was….Simple.” She would try and explain to you. Needing to make sure to stop herself before using doctor jargon.

“Too easy?” You puzzled.

“Yes. It was just….I expected pain. Pain and anxiety and horror. Suppose even a nurse can come to learn a thing or two…..”

She was hiding something, and you had an educated guess on what.

“You expected Jimmy to break down the door. Weren’t you?”

There was silence, but it told you everything.

“Scoot over. Move it sister-“ You were now crawling into the medical bed with her, moving the wires around, and soon snuggled into her side. Hugging her close, and especially with your arm over her stomach.

“You did the right thing. It’s your body at the end of it all. You took responsibility of taking care of yourself. You wouldn’t have been able to live a proper life. You went to med school. You don’t need me to tell you the horrors of pregnancy and birth. That alone is terrifying. But also you simply not wanting to be pregnant is enough. Ain’t no Jimmy’s gonna storm in and say otherwise.” You huffed, as she smiled. Her head leaning into yours.

“Yeah….No more Jimmy’s. Pretty sure Swansea will make sure of that.” She did her best to joke, and you were proud of her for it. This whole ordeal was hell. Hell none of you will ever truly walk away from. But that’s ok. You all had each other to lean on.

“I think I’m ready for everyone now.” Anya would whisper, as you gave her hand a squeeze. You were so proud of her. This was all such a nightmare, but she’s taking it in stride.

“Hell yeah.” You agreed, before climbing out of the bed. You made sure to grab the snacks, and exited the hospital room.

“Come on guys-! Anya is waiting on you-!” You shameless shouted outside of the room. She couldn’t help her face palm. Daisuke sure was an influence on you.

“I wanna push Curly!”

“Like hell you are-!”

They would bicker away, before Curly said ‘fuck it’ and did his best to roll himself over. He sure was a stubborn one. Made it half way before you figured that was enough work out for one person.

“Pretty far! Getting better at it-!” You encouraged, as the two men realized how far Curly rolled off on before finally following you two into Anya’s room.

“HAPPY NO BIRTH-DAY!” Daisuke would cheer, as Anya shook her head at such a joke.

“God dammit kid-“ Swansea side, before he came over to Anya. Giving her head a kiss. Just comforting her much like a father would.

“How many of us need to be in medical beds?” Curly would give a raspy snort, as Anya reached her hand out. He would lean his head over, and she would give it a stroke. As if all his hair never burned off. A means of holding his hand, in a way, compared to just grasping a limb.

She didn’t need children.

She had all of you.

What else could a woman want?

Since you were willing to read through this story to the end, and get a nice in depth look on the importance of such why not donate to some organizations? : D

Planned Parenthood

Nation Network For Abortion Funds

National Abortion Federation

The Bridge Alliance

The Satanic Temple

ActBlue

No worry on donating. Spreading awareness and signing petitions still help! The more people learn and understand the better! Could also like reblog with other organizations or petitions!

Abortion is healthcare!

[thatfunkyopossum]

Pleasant Trans Story

I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up some medications for an upcoming gender affirming surgery, and things got pretty complicated and I ended up having to wait for somethings to process for about 20 minutes and I had to wait to get called a couple different times.

Now the reason this is a nice time I had as a trans person is because when I first went to the counter and was asked for my name, I did not give my legal name. I’m in most systems as my chosen name, and at this particular location my chosen name is the one on my card. The perscriptions didn’t come up though, so I mentioned it might be under a different name. The name my insurance is over. So this woman at the counter had my legal name (the name on all my prescriptions) and had heard/typed my actual name once. She and the rest of the pharmacy staff then proceeded to call me by my chosen name the ENTIRE time, didn’t slip up once.

 I honestly didn’t even really think about it until later, but she recognized that there was someone in front of her who had two different names, and was clearly uncomfortable with the second, and she made sure to know what the name I liked was so she could easily get my attention without deadnaming me. It was just... really nice.

[chvoswxtch]

hi court!!!! I devoured your frank castle fics, you just capture him so fucking perfectly!!! soooo, i’m usually pretty extroverted and outspoken and I feel like I see a lot of frank x shy reader. I was wondering if you were interested in potentially writing this request: frank and a pretty confident and extroverted reader (on the shorter and curvier side bc I’m self indulgent) who maybe feels a bit insecure because of a lack of romantic partners and whatnot and maybe they’re friends and something happens and frank just wants to show her how attractive he really finds her…

maybe this sparks some inspiration? i would love to read it, but either way I am obsessed with anything frank or matt you write!!!

ps: thank u for the follow now we’re moots and i’m so fucking excited!! xxx sending so much love your way

hi angel baby d!!!

first of all, thank you so much for your sweet words. i'm also so fucking excited to be moots now!!! as a short curvy girl myself, I happily self indulged on this with you. thank you so much for the request, angel. I wasn't sure if you wanted it to be spicy or not, so I left it open ended. but if you want a spicy follow up, i'd be more than happy to write it. ;) please enjoy this valentine's treat from me to you, love. ❤️

I know y'all didn't think I was gonna leave out my frankie girlies on valentine's day. everyone say thank you @neverlandcity. ❤️

warning: swearing (bc frankie), mentions of alcohol, & allusions to spiciness. word count: 1.7k

[part two]

pretty.

From the moment he met you, Frank hadn’t been able to shut you up. He always knew exactly what was on your mind because you had no problem speaking it. For someone so small, you sure as hell had the confidence of someone his size, and the attitude to match. He was certain it looked comical every time he had to haul you out of a bar over his shoulder when you tried to pick a fight with some asshole three times your size. Other times though, he just sat back and watched with a grin. After all, sometimes those shitheads earned it.

If there was one person in this entire world Frank was scared to death to piss off, it was you. But, he got lucky in that your patience with him seemed to be limitless. As much as he had tried to keep you at arms length when you two first met, you weren’t having any of that shit, and very quickly had won him over. You very easily became one of his favorite people, and overtime he eventually got used to keeping up with you. 

But tonight, you were quiet. 

Frank couldn’t think of a time since he’d met you that you had ever been quiet. There was the one time you lost your voice from having a cold, but that didn’t stop you from furiously going through two entire notepads in a three day span. He thought he’d enjoy the silence, but honestly he had gotten so used to your voice that it was unnerving not being able to hear it. There was an immense sense of relief he felt once you could talk again, even if you did sound like you smoked forty packs a day for a while. 

You hadn’t said more than ten words since you showed up at Frank’s door thirty minutes ago with a full bottle of tequila that was steadily being depleted. He cocked his head to the side as he studied you, noting the intense look of concentration on your features as you sliced up another lime in perfectly proportionate wedges. 

“Did someone die?”

You immediately paused, whipping your head around to face him as your brows knit together in the center of your forehead in clear confusion.

“What?”

“Just wonderin’ if someone died.”

“Uh…not that I know of?”

“Then what the hell you bein’ so quiet for?”

“What are you talking about?”

Frank leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, narrowing his eyes slightly as he studied your face.

“You’ve barely said a full goddamn sentence since you walked through that door, and you’re cuttin’ up that lime like you’re performin’ fuckin’ open heart surgery. Not to mention, that bottle was full thirty minutes ago.”

A scoff sounded from your lips as you squeezed the juice of one of the lime wedges into your glass and shrugged your shoulders.

“Yeah well, someone is a heavy handed bartender and likes their drinks strong.”

“You’re the one makin’ the drinks, sweetheart.”

Frank arched one of his brows with a smirk as you glared at him. Your lips parted as you went to retort, glancing between both of your glasses and the assembly line that you currently had going. You shook your head as you went back to fixing yourself another drink and flipped him off over your shoulder.

“Shut up.”

Frank rolled his eyes as he rubbed his palms down his face, eyeing you as you sat back down at the table across from him and sipped on your drink.

“Jesus, normally I can’t get you to shut the hell up and now I can’t get ya to talk to me? The hell’s that about?”

He could tell he was testing your patience by the way you narrowed your eyes and pursed your lips in displeased line.

“No one died, Frank.”

“Then what happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

An exasperated groan left your lips as you set your glass on the table with a heavy thud, crossing your arms over your chest as you rolled your eyes.

“I had a shitty date last night and I wanted to drink about it. There. Will you quit being a dick now?”

Frank tensed up at the mention of the word date. 

Who the fuck did you go on a date with? Why didn’t you tell him? Since when were you dating? Wait…did you say-

“That bad?”

Your eyes instantly locked with Frank’s, and the emotion swirling around in them had him softening. You swallowed thickly and put your armor back up, rolling your eyes as you laughed dryly and downed another sip of your drink.

“I’ve had worse.”

As much as Frank didn’t wanna hear about you going on a date with some asshole, he did have a lot of questions.

“He uh…do somethin’?”

The nonchalance he had attempted had clearly failed by the smirk tugging at the corner of your mouth.

“Nothing that warrants you going all “Punisher” on him.”

Frank cocked his head to the side slightly as he stared at you, tensing his jaw as his fingers twitched in his lap.

Anyone even fuckin’ lookin’ at you the wrong way would warrant that.

The smirk on your lips quickly fell when you noticed Frank was seriously considering the validity of your words. You let out a deep exhale as you stared down into your glass, swirling the contents around slowly.

“Just…not his type I guess.”

“The hell’s that s’posed to mean? He say that?”

You held your hand up as Frank sat up a little straighter in his seat, shaking your head as you chuckled dryly to yourself.

“He didn’t have to.”

Frank’s face fell at the dejection in your tone, but he was impossibly confused. There was a layer of scarlet starting to burn on your cheeks, and you prayed Frank would think it was from the tequila and not from the embarrassing truth. 

“I…I’m just…not what he wanted, and that’s fine, you know? I just wish I would’ve stalked his social media before the date, because then I would’ve known better than to go. I mean…all his exes were these like super tall, thin, bombshell supermodel types, and that’s just…not me.”

There was a rage flowing through Frank’s veins that he hadn’t felt in a long time. As much as you were trying to play it off, he knew you were upset. He could see the way your eyes glimmered as you gazed down into your glass. 

“Whatever. He was boring anyway.”

“He sounds like a bitch.”

A loud laugh slipped past your lips as you spit out your drink, covering your mouth as you stared at him incredulously and tried to speak through your giggles.

“God Frankie, tell me how you really feel.”

No one had called him Frankie since Russo, and the first time you had, he froze. He hadn’t expected to like the way it sounded coming from your lips so much. He tried to pretend like it annoyed him every time you called him that, but he secretly loved it. It was something that now belonged only to you. He’d never let anyone else use it.

Frank shook his head as he finished off his own drink, setting the glass down on the table a little harder than he had to as he scoffed.

“Fuckin’ idiot was probably intimidated.”

“Intimidated? Frank, I can’t reach the top of my fridge without a step stool.”

“I’m not talkin’ ‘bout your height, smartass. I meant by you.”

There was an edge to Frank’s voice that stunned you quiet and had your giggles immediately disappearing. He seemed genuinely pissed off about something, and there was a flame flickering dangerously in his eyes. He stared at you quietly for a moment, seemingly trying to gather his thoughts. Shaking his head slowly, a tiny smile pulled at the corner of his mouth.

“You’re smart, I mean really fuckin’ smart. Sometimes too smart for your own damn good. You’re funny, and you ain’t even gotta try to be. You got the biggest goddamn heart out of anybody I ever met. I know you talk a big game and you’re ‘bout five feet and some change of pure sass, but you give a shit, ya’know? I mean you care ‘bout people, always goin’ out of your way for everyone and shit. I mean hell, you intimidate the shit out of me, and I’m a man. I can only imagine how much you terrified that little boy.”

Your mouth hung open as you processed Frank’s words. There was so much venom in that last sentence alone that you were nearly speechless. 

“I…you’re…contractually obligated to say that.”

“The hell I am.”

“Frank-”

“A boy wants a girl, sweetheart. But a man…a man wants a woman, yeah? And you, darlin’, are all woman.”

You’d be a fucking liar if you said you didn’t find Frank attractive. But you certainly never thought he would ever see you that way. You thought he tolerated you at best considering you practically forced your friendship on him. You weren’t sure if it was the alcohol simmering in your veins or his words buzzing in your ears, but there was something about the way he was looking at you right now that had warmth spreading throughout your lower half.

“I do.”

“What?”

Frank chuckled as a wolfish grin spread over his lips, nodding his head in your direction.

“You asked if I thought you were pretty.”

Your eyes doubled in size as your lips parted, blinking a few times to try and clear the drunken haziness that had started to cloud your judgment.

“Oh God…did I say that out loud? I don’t even-wait, what? You…you think I’m pretty?”

“I think you’re fuckin’ gorgeous.”

Frank tilted his head to the side slightly as he let his eyes wander shamelessly over your body, clearly pleased with your reaction to his confession. He used his boot to kick his chair away from the table a bit so that he could spread his legs out as he faced you directly. He gently patted his thigh with one of his large hands as he stared at you with a smirk spreading over his mouth.

“Now, why don’t you c’mere and let me show you just how pretty I think you are, sweetheart.”

[avalil18]

I hate to see you like this

Summary: reader is having a difficult time after being released from the hospital and Joe is there to help her get through the hard times.

——————

You were always the happiest person. The person who always had a smile on her face and always laughing. You were a dancer. You loved to dance ever since you were a little girl. Dancing was your sport. Every day after school you would go to the dance studio and stay there for hours just dancing and coming up with your own choreography. You aren’t a person to really show when you are sad or loved to talk about your feelings to anyone except your best friend Joe. Dancing was your way of expressing all of those emotions. You have been dancing for years now. All throughout middle school, high school, and college. It was mid year in 2020 and everyone was in quarantine. Dancing was the one thing you could really get out of the house and do. You were at the studio with your mom. You decided to do a trick you haven’t done in a while. You flipped and turned but ended up doing something wrong and the next thing you know you are in the hospital just out of surgery. Turns out you had to have spinal surgery. You won’t be able to dance again. You were in the hospital for 2 weeks. Family coming in and out of your room asking how you are doing, but the only person you wanted to talk to was Joe. One night Joe came with his parents.

The door opened and you saw joes figure. He walked around your bed and stood right next to you on your right side. He was wearing a green long sleeve with grey sweatpants and he had been trying to grow out a little bit of a beard so he had some scruff. He smiled as he looked at you. You smiled back. The first smile you probably plastered on in weeks. He was the only person you wanted to talk to.

“Hey you!”-joe

“Hi.”-you

“How are you feeling?”-joe

“Shitty.”-you

Joe laughed

“I feel ok, But I’m happy you are here.”-you

“Good, and I’m happy to see you too.”-joe

You two stared at each other for a moment

“Hey, how about we leave you two alone. We will be back!”- your mom

You two looked at her

“Ok”- you and Joe

The parents left the room and now it was just you and Joe.

“Come here.”-you

You patted the empty space next to you. Joe quickly but carefully laid down next to you. You put your head in his chest and quietly feel asleep in joes arms. He also fell asleep.

—————————-

5 weeks later

(At home)

“Hey! Come on in guys!”-your mom

Joe and his parents came over to check on you and see how you are doing. It was late afternoon and you had been in the backyard playing with your dog or at least trying to. It was hard for you to move around. Your back was still in some pain. You were also exhausted. From learning how to stand up again to walking and then physical therapy it was a lot. You didn’t have dance anymore to let all your feelings out. You were in a state of exhaustion and overwhelmed. There was so many emotions going through your head. You couldn’t let all your feelings out like you could while dancing. You talked to your parents saying that recovery has been hard and you don’t know what to feel. You didn’t cry, just spoke.

“Y/n is in the backyard.”-your mom

“How is she doing?”-robin

“Honestly I think it’s been really hard on her. She isn’t really eating and she told me that recovery has been hard on her. You know she doesn’t really like to talk about her feelings and only likes to dance them out, but now she doesn’t have dance anymore. I don’t think she really knows what to do.”-your mom

“Aww poor y/n, we know it’s been hard I her. But she should always know we will be here for her.”- robin

The moms talked for a few minutes.

“Hey Joe, how about you go outside to see y/n. I’m sure she would love to see you!”- your dad

“Yeah, ok!”-joe

It was hard in Joe to see you like this. He knew you were hurting emotionally and physically. He also knew that you don’t really like to talk about your emotions except when it’s with him.

Joe stepped out side and saw you. He thinks you’re the most beautiful girl he has ever laid eyes on. You’re his best friend and the reason he looks forward to waking up everyday. He just loves to see you.

You were wearing grey sweatpants with a cropped grey long sleeve to match. Your hair was long and your little waves were dancing in the breeze. You were standing with your arms crossed and watching your dog play. You were crying. You shed a few tears before you heard the sliding door open and quickly wiped your fallen tears.

“Hey!”-joe

He came up next to you

“Hi.”-you

He could tell you’ve been crying

“Come here.”-joe

You fell into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around you as you cried.

“Shhh it’s ok, it’s ok, I’m right here.”-joe

You haven’t cried this much in weeks. Joe was your shoulder to lean on, but he also sometimes needed your shoulder to lean on too. You cried in his arms letting all your emotions out. You wrapped your arms around him as he did to you. You guys stayed in each other embrace for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry, I probably look like a mess.”-you

“No, no you look beautiful. And don’t be sorry. You know you can come to me for anything.”-joe

You looked up at him with one last tear streaming down your face and a small little smile.

“Thanks Joey, for everything.”-you

“Of course y,n, I’m always here for you. You are my best friend, my ride or die.”- joe

“Awww.”-you

“Hey, I want to take you somewhere.”-joe

“Umm, ok…”-you

He grabbed your hand and took you inside to get a blanket.

“We will be back!”-joe

“Ok! Don’t be too long.”-your mom

“We won’t, I promise.”-joe

You guys walked out the door and into joes car. He just recently bought a Porsche from the money he is making being in the NFL. You guys drove around for a while until you guys reached a place you recognized.

“We are here!”-joe

You looked around for a second

“Is this our spot?”-you

“Yeah! I know you love it here so I decided to take you, get your mind off of things.”-joe

“Aww thank j.”-you

The Spot is a little hill over looking a big green field. There is a big Willow tree on the hill where you both sit under.

You guys walked up the little hill and sat under the tree. The sun was setting and it was a beautiful site. Joe put the blanket over you guys covering your guys legs. You rested your head on his broad shoulder and just stared into the sunset. Joe put his right arm around you and it made you get butterflies.

“I don’t know if you want to answer this but, how are you doing?”-joe

You looked up at him

“Honestly Joe, I feel much better when you are around. My parents are all over me 24/7 asking if I’m ok or need anything. They also ask me how I’m feeling. But I don’t know how to answer them. I just think I’m sad because I can’t dance anymore. Dance was my whole life, my safe space, but now dance is gone. I have been In pain for the last couple weeks and just not feeling well physically and I guess mentally.”- you

I’m sorry y/n that you have to go through this, but know I’m always here for you. I’m your safe space. We are each other’s safe spaces. I’m going to be there when you need a shoulder to lean on always or just someone to talk to. You are my best friend y/n, always have been since middle school. And I love you y/n.

“What..?”-you

“I love you, so much. I can’t breathe or think when I’m next to you. I always want to hold you are talk to you. And I hate seeing you in pain. I couldn’t even walk through your hospital door without telling my parents that I can’t go in because I couldn’t bare to see you in pain. I love you y/n, with my whole heart.”-joe

You grabbed his face and kissed him

“I love you too Joe. And I’m sorry you have to see me like this, but know I’m always going to be there for you too. And I’m so proud of you Joe. Your dream of finally being in the NFL came true and I couldn’t be more proud of you. I love you Mr QB1!”-you

He grabbed your face this time and kissed you.

The sun set and you and Joe were just laughing and talking looking out into the stars.

—————

Authors note: a little bit of deep one but cute! I also hope to get out more of How To Get The Girl out soon too!!🩷

[bullet-clubs-bitch]

Runaway Runaway

Hangman Adam Page X Fem Reader

An: This is a scuedlued post that hopefully posts on Hangmans birthday! By the time this is up I will be at home recovering from Jaw Surgery. Since it is my love's birthday I decided to write a little fic since I'm waiting for them to call me for my surgery lol. I hope you enjoy it!

Summary: After Blood and Guts all Adam wants to do for this birthday is run away, run somewhere far away where it can just be the two of you forever. Happy and content. Safe and sound. Far away from Swerve and The Elite

Hangman Adam Page Mastetlist Main Masterlist

I anticipated this year's Blood and Guts to be gruesome. I expected my cowboy to be a blood mess by the end of it. I expected to clean his wounds and kiss his scars. I knew how unforgiving the cage was. Last year’s match was one for the ages. I knew his history with Swerve, I saw it all first hand. So when my cowboy returned without a scratch I was confused. The blood on his body for once was not his. I examined him backstage and cringed at the staple in his cheek. “Why the face, your gorgeous face” I told him as I examined the metal stuck within his flesh. I had removed dozens of staples from his body over the years but this one felt different. I carefully removed the staple and checked the rest of his body for any other wounds or potential injuries.

That night was silent. Hangman didn’t say a word until we got into bed. I knew he had something on his mind but wanted him to tell me when he was ready. My head rested on his chest as he traced delicate shapes on my exposed skin. “What did you think about tonight?” he asked with no expression in his voice. “Do you want me to be honest with you?” I asked him nervously. “Yes, you are my wife. You have to be honest with me Doll” “I’m not your wife yet” I told him playfully. “I already asked you to marry me and you said yes. To me we are already husband and wife” I couldn't help but blush at his comments. “So tell me, what did you honestly think about blood and guts? I know you have something to say” I was nervous. I found myself disappointed about this year's match, I didn’t think there was enough blood or guts. “Now Adam, I don’t want you to take any of this the wrong way and be offended or anything but I was honestly a bit disappointed” “I had a feeling you would say that” “Now don’t get me wrong, I am happy no one got hurt and beyond gratefully I didn’t have to spend the night stitching you up but it just didn’t feel like blood and guts to me. Maybe it’s because I can’t stand Max Caster but I thought team AEW could have been better. I would have picked other people, removed the acclaimed from the match. They aren't hard core wrestlers. Now I am so happy Darby didn’t do anything stupid. I was most worried about him. I didn’t want to do CPR on him again or remove hundreds of shards of glass from his body. My only real criticism is that I wish I could have seen more of you.” “I didn’t even want to do the stupid match in the first place. I just wanted to beat up Swerve”  “I’m still in shock that Matthew and Nicholas threatened to fire you. They caused you your revenge. You had Swerve where you wanted him and you were forced to give it up” 

“I know I started this whole conversation but I really don’t want to talk about Swerve or The Elite right now” “Your birthday is in a few days. Is there anything special you want to do to celebrate?” “This year for my birthday I want to go away. I want to leave, go somewhere far away where it can be just the two of us. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no contact from the outside world. We can have a farm, you can finally get that big garden you always wanted. We won’t have to worry about anything or anyone. What I really want is to start a family with you. I want to be there for you, I want to protect you and our kids. The unfortunate thing is that none of this can happen until I get my hands on Swerve. I refuse to bring children in this world when there are monsters out there in the world like Swerve. I won’t rest until he’s underground and only then can I settle down.” 

I really didn’t know what to say. I know how personal this had become between Swerve and Adam but to go as far as murder? “He has to pay darlin, he has to pay for what he did to you. They might have forgotten but I haven’t. I spend everyday thinking to myself how I could have stopped it. How if I was fast enough he wouldn't have taken you from me. That night I died. Life meant nothing to me if I didn’t have you with me. Now darling, I hope you forgive me for what I do but understand that it has to be done. He has to pay.”

“No matter what happens, I won’t leave your side” 

[vivalas-vega]

new perspectives / jake ‘hangman’ seresin x reader / part eight

hello !!! I’m back !!! this parts got a whopper in it, apologies in advance, but it’s got a nice ending and something to look forward to if that’s any consolation :) 

new perspectives / jake ‘hangman’ seresin x reader / part eight

add yourself to my taglist

prologue - one - two - three - four - five - six - seven

word count: 3k

warnings: language, drinking, I think that’s it?

You felt entirely on edge as your knee bounced erratically sitting in the uncomfortable chair across from your chief of surgery, a million thoughts racing through your mind that you couldn’t really make any sense of. Were you really doing this? Was this really something you were going to go through with? 

“I have to say, I was surprised by your interest, Jupiter,” he said as he organized the papers in front of him and you let out a humorless chuckle.

“No more surprised than I am, sir.” you replied and he sensed the hesitation in your voice.

“Do you need more time to think it over?” he asked and you shook your head. This was the right decision, the right move… not just for your career but it was simply the right thing to do. 

“No, I… I’m sure, I just… I haven’t told anyone yet,” you sighed and you immediately felt your stomach twist in guilt as you said it. You hadn’t told anyone. Not your parents, not your friends, not Jake. Deep down you knew he would be supportive, he would understand… your friends too, they’d understand better than anyone, probably… maybe. You wouldn’t know for sure until you told them. You signed all of the paperwork before asking if you could have the rest of the day, which you were easily granted. You’d be on a lighter rotation the next week, less cases and less time in the hospital to get your life in order.

You stood in the attending’s lounge, changing into your normal clothes… Jake always joked and called them your civvies too, different careers but same little quirks. You felt sick, honestly, to have something so big happening in your life that you hadn’t told him about. This never happened, not since you were ten years old. He knew everything, you simply never could keep anything from him, not what you had for breakfast and not that one time you embarrassingly had to get stitches back in your residency because you slipped in a puddle of blood and cracked your head open - something you still hadn’t quite lived down with your old friends. But this? This was bigger than all of that, potentially the biggest thing you’ve ever had to tell him. 

You sat along the beach in front of the Hard Deck as you waited, eyes so fixated on the push and pull of the ocean you almost didn’t notice the figure dropping down beside you, and you turned to face him with a jump. “This is all very cryptic, Jupiter.” Rooster said, eyeing you curiously. “Is there a specific reason you called and said meet me at the beach before hanging up or was that your way of saying you want to hang out more?” he asked, trying to add a joking tone but the look on your face told him there was something more going on.

“I’m going to the middle east,” you said, deciding not to beat around the bush and the look of shock on his face was not missed by you.

“You’re going… to the middle east?” he asked, trying to process it. “For vacation, or…?”

“With the Army,” you replied and his eyes widened further than you thought they could.

“You’re being deployed? You joined the Army?” his face twisted up in disgust at the last one… of all the branches why couldn’t it have been his own? “When did this happen?”

“A few weeks ago… we had a visiting surgeon, he was teaching the trauma department updated techniques rooted in efficiency, and we got a crash course in disaster response. He and I got to talking afterwards, he said he saw something in me, something that reminded him of himself, he frequently goes on tours where he’s needed to offer medical support.”

“So you joined the Army because this dude saw something in you and just said hey wanna come to the middle east?” he asked and you softly smiled, this was good. This was the reaction you were anticipating, Rooster was a trial run and he was doing exactly what you needed to give you the confidence to tell everyone else.

You shook your head, “I’ve always felt drawn to this, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this story but to keep it brief during my residency I had to go in the field to respond to a trauma, gnarly train crash… it was exhilarating, if that’s not an entirely fucked up thing to say, there’s something different about being there in the moment when it feels like the sky is falling and there’s no time to get them to a hospital, or even no hospital to get them to.”

“I mean, I get it… I’d be a hypocrite to tell you I didn’t, different context but same calling. I just… this is kind of insane, Jupiter.”

You nodded, “I know. When he told me that he was leaving with a group in a few weeks I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I really tried to push past it and tell myself it wasn’t real, it was just a fun simulation, but then the train crash dawned on me and I realized I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a while. And it just makes sense to me, you know? There’s a shortage of medical personnel, even fewer surgeons. It feels like the right thing to do.”

“Have you talked to Jake, does he know?”

“No. You were my practice run,” you joked. “How’d I do?”

“Well, you got to the point… gave clear and precise answers, but J… I’m not in love with you. The fear I feel about you going over there into active warzones doesn’t even compare to what Jake’s going to feel.”

You gasped, “you’re not in love with me?” you asked, placing a hand over your chest in faux shock and he just shoved your shoulder at your attempt to lighten the mood.

“Cut it out,” he chuckled. “I was a shitty practice run, you know I’m never going to tell you not to do something you feel called to do no matter how much I want to throw you in a padded room until this desire of yours fades, but Jake? I mean, he just got you back, you two just got settled into the routine of being back together, and now you’re going to tell him you’re shipping out to a warzone.”

“I know, the timing sucks.”

“You’re really sure about this?” he asked and you nodded. “Because, J… you’re going to come back different, you’re going to see things, do things… this is one of those decisions you can’t undo.”

“I know, it’s not going to be easy… for me, for Jake, for the rest of you but, I really think I need to do this, Roo.”

“Well, I think you’re brave. And I’m really proud of you,” he said, wrapping an arm around you as you settled into his side. “But really? The Army?”

You let out a laugh, “if it makes you feel any better I didn’t join the Army, I’m not suddenly active duty. It’s just a three-month tour, think of it like being a private contractor.”

“That does make me feel better, otherwise I might have had to limit our interactions… appearances and all,” he said and you laughed again. “Now come on, you’ve gotta get inside,” he said, pulling you up with him and you looked at him questioningly.

“I have to?” you asked as he tugged you along, “what’s the rush for lukewarm beer?”

“Can’t tell you that, I don’t know if you’re going to find the timing of this terrible or perfect but that’s not up to me.” he said and now you were thoroughly confused as he held the door open for you.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” But, it didn’t matter, he was gone just as quickly as you’d walked into the bar and you smiled as Jake saw you and wrapped you up in a hug.

“There you are, sweetheart, you okay?” he asked, seeing the squirrelly look in your eyes and you nodded, shaking off your conversation with Rooster as you accepted the beer he’d handed you. 

“Yeah,” you nodded. “Rooster’s just being a tad bit bizarre,” you answered and he chuckled.

“Well, that’s what he does.” he replied and you nodded with a laugh as he led you towards your friends and you narrowed your eyes as everyone had a rather mischievous look on their faces. You heard the piano begin the opening notes of Drops of Jupiter and you gathered that’s where Rooster had run off to in a hurry.

“Okay, what is going on?” you asked as you turned around and you furrowed your brows when Jake was no longer there before adjusting your eye line to see him on one knee before you and you brought your hand up to cover your mouth in shock as your heart pounded in your ears. I don’t know if you’re going to find the timing of this terrible or perfect. It all made sense now.

“Jupiter, I have loved you since I was ten years old… It just took me until junior year to realize it and I’ve known it every day since. We’ve spent the majority of our lives following our own dreams until they led us right back to each other and even though it was difficult I wouldn’t change our story for anything… Being able to watch you grow into yourself and become an amazing surgeon has been the single greatest joy of my life, and I’m so excited for us to finally grow together. I’ve wanted to do this since the moment you got to San Diego, so will you do me the honor of finally becoming my wife?” he asked, eyes full of hope as he flicked the box open to reveal the ring you’d loved since you were little and you felt tears slip down your cheeks as you looked at him. The entire bar had gone silent waiting for your answer and you could feel your friends fighting to stay contained behind you as they watched.

“Yes,” you whispered, there were so many things up in the air, so many things you had to tell him but this was an easy answer. You would have said yes to a ring pop in the aisle of a convenience store. The entire bar erupted in cheers as he stood and slid it onto your finger before pulling you in for a searing kiss. Rooster was still playing the melody in the background but you could hear his sounds of celebration from across the bar and you giggled as Jake released you. You were swept up, the rest of the gang wanting to see the ring and crush you in hugs and when the song ended and the jukebox kicked back on you felt Rooster’s arms on you as he came up behind you.

“You need to talk to him,” he whispered in your ear as you rested your hands on his forearms.

“I know, just… not right now,” you said as the two of you watched him excitedly talk with Phoenix.

“I’m really happy for you, J,” he said, kissing your cheek as he let you go and you gave him a gracious smile before walking down to the bar.

“Let me see!” Penny nearly yelled at you and you held out your hand with a laugh as she examined it thoroughly. “He picked a good one,” she said as she set a drink in front of you.

You chuckled, “oh no, as good as he is I basically picked this out when I was thirteen years old,” you replied. “This was one of his grandma’s rings.”

“That’s so special,” she said as Maverick side-swiped you and wrapped you in a hug that had you letting out a surprised squeal. 

“The first Dagger wedding!” he said as you laughed, “I’m so happy for the both of you.”

“Thank you, Mav,” you replied, face hurting from the splitting smile you couldn’t seem to wipe off your face but in the back of your mind you knew it couldn’t last… you were leaving in a week and only one person in this bar knew. You let Jake twirl you around the bar, creating a dance floor where there wasn’t one as your friends shrouded you in love, watching through misty eyes as the two of you enjoyed your bubble of bliss. When the song ended you looked up at him, imprinting this moment into your mind before you drove a wrecking ball through it and you stood on your tiptoes to whisper in his ear talk with me outside?

Your friends watched as you slipped out the door before they went back to their normal routines, assuming the two of you were taking a moment alone but Rooster knew better and he gave you a supportive smile when you caught his eyes. “How are you feeling, future Mrs. Sersein?” he asked and you beamed up at him.

“I like the way that sounds… but it’s future Dr. Seresin, thank you very much,” you corrected and he let out a laugh.

“My apologies, darling,” he said, wrapping his arms around your waist and you were silent for a moment, fixating on your hands currently pressed against his chest and his eyebrows furrowed as he noticed your change in demeanor. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I have something to tell you,” you said suddenly and even you were taken aback by how you spit that out.

“Okay?” he prompted, leading you to the chairs on the other side of the patio where you sat and avoided his expectant stare.

“Do you remember how I was telling you about that Army doctor who came to town a few weeks ago?” you started and he nodded.

“Yeah, the disaster training you wouldn’t stop yammering about,” he teased and you just gave him a sad smile. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, uh… oh, this was so much easier with Rooster.” you sighed and now he was really concerned.

“What does Rooster know that I don’t?”

“He told me about a tour heading out next week to the middle east, a three-month rotation. I… I tried not to think about it, to pretend I didn’t want to go, but I really, really wanted to go and before I could fully stop myself I signed up.”

“You signed up? What does that mean?”

“It means next week I’m shipping out to the middle east,” you said, and you watched him process your words. “For three months.” 

“Okay, uh…” he started, trying to gather his thoughts. “This is set in stone, then? You’ve fully signed yourself up?” You nodded, wishing he would stop asking questions and get to the part where he’s mad at you. “And you didn’t think to talk to me about this?”

“I wanted to… but I was focusing more on trying to talk myself out of it and then it was like a fever dream, I was suddenly calling that Army doc and telling him to put me on the list.” 

“Did you think I was going to get mad at you? Is that why you talked to Rooster first?” he asked and you didn’t miss the tone of hurt in his voice.

You nodded again, “he was my trial run, as weird as that is.” 

“I don’t think it’s weird, honey, he’s your best friend, as much as that’s something that doesn’t make sense to me, talking to him first does, I just… you and I are best friends and partners, you’ve gotta talk to me before you make big decisions like this.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” you said, tears welling in your eyes and he was quick to wipe them away when they fell.

“Well, if you had talked to me before you took this on all by yourself, I would have told you that I want you to do what makes you happy, and if that means doing this tour then I support you. Am I mad you kept me in the dark? Totally, but you and I have been making big decisions separately for almost a decade, it’s going to take time to get used to being partners again.” he said and you couldn’t stop yourself from crying. “This terrifies me, J, but this is just who you are… you want to help people, even if that means shipping yourself off somewhere dangerous. How could I ever fault you for that?”

“You’re not mad that I’m going?” you asked in disbelief and he let out a soft laugh.

“Of course not, sweetheart.” He wrapped his hands around yours that sat in your lap. “You’re going on a deployment, do you know how much of an ass I would be if I even tried to be mad at you for that? I’m going to do this to you at some point, granted I never thought I’d be on the opposite end of this situation, but we’ll figure it out. We always do.”

“I love you so much, you know that?” you asked as he tugged you up and pulled you into his lap.

“Not as much as I love you,” he replied, pressing a kiss to your lips. 

“I want to get married,” you said and he laughed at you.

“Sweetheart, we are… unless you wildly misunderstood what that just was in there.”

“No, right now, this week… before I leave,” you said and his eyes widened.

“Are you serious?”

“Completely, I… I know we’re not talking about the danger aspect because we both understand and we don’t need to get into it but there is danger and… I don’t want anything holding you back from getting answers or being the first one contacted if something does happen.”

“Yes,” he said, kissing you again. “I thought you were going to make me wait a whole year to finally call you my wife.” 

“Never,” you replied, giggling as he swept you up and carried you back towards the bar. “We’re going to be good, right?”

“Better than good.”

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[wellntruly]

Blogging, vol. v

I’m having surgery tomorrow. Why this is always happening in November is beyond me, but it sure is an aesthetically kind month to not work and be extra-grade cozy in soft knits, sipping soups, while outside it rains grey on amber.

Unlike my gum surgery last year, this one I had no idea was coming for me, and the weeks getting up to the point of finally knowing what was going to happen were, not to exaggerate, not good. It's odd that it's better now, since it was indeed something you don't want to find. But then you can start to process. Process, process.

I actually tend to do quite well with surgery, both as a concept and a thing to heal from, even before I spent my recovery from the previous one watching a 50 year old TV show about surgeons. I find the kind of pain engendered by things you need stitches about to be quite reasonable mentally; it hurts, it hurts there, for this reason, you have pills to dull it, and it will gradually heal. Simply “feeling sick,” or worst of all nauseous, that’s what can make me wonder what it’s all even for. Miserable, derogatory.

So the fact that it really seems a predominantly surgical approach is going to be most of what we need to take care of this problem has me almost overwhelmed with gratitude. It could have been far, far worse for me. But I have all the most treatable metrics for this, even being rather young for it has the silver lining of meaning I should heal well. And I’m so lucky to have a warm, funny, exceptionally skilled surgeon who actually went through the same thing when she was also my age, and that honestly, I’ve absolutely the Edward Gorey illustration body type to probably even end up looking pretty chic going down to just a bit of an A cup, which is what she's going to be able to do, not to bury the lede. Surprise top surgery, is what I’ve been calling it, and thank you to the boys for the re-contextualizing dream that is the phrase ‘top surgery’, a concept of such positivity; life-affirming, life-saving.

It is a strange, swift-approaching change to reckon with though, impossible to avoid that. I've always tended to dress as if I don’t even have the actually, admittedly, great boobs that I've had up til now, but it is still the body I know. I’ll roll onto my stomach in bed and think, for one that I soon won’t be doing this at all again for a while, and that when I do, it’s going to feel different. Fascinating to consider.

I'm leaning into a sort of Orlando-like curiosity about it, this vague physical transformation just spontaneously befalling me in my adulthood. How will this be. What sort of opportunities might this actually grant. I’ll be endeavoring to hardly ever wear a bra again, I’ll tell you that for certain. Should I use this as the push to finally get a bespoke suit, soft and wide-legged, with a jacket that can fall in just a clean draped line from my shoulders? Will I be able to wear suspenders? I think about watching Margaret Qualley in The Stars At Noon this summer, how I watched her just drop a loose sundress over her bare body, entirely backless, and walk out the door. I think, of course, of "Keira Knightley Atonement," as my inspiration board folder is called.

I’ve also been thinking about this blog, what I think Tumblr user sashayed once called her secret public journal. Sometimes what I or others will post can break into the very real & personal, like this, for the benefit that comes from just releasing, sharing the large challenging things in our lives. I think about a long-time mutual who posted about some of the strangeness she felt during hospitalization for an accident, how recalling some of what she wrote about has brought me a feeling of solidarity in this.

But there’s also how I’ve actually been blogging about this for weeks and weeks, it’s just only been for me. Another kind of secret public journal. This butterfly coming out of a row of cocoons in a window: this was for how I was, fully insanely yes, watching A Zed & Two Noughts while I was wracked with anxiety over what might be going on with my body, but/and the idea of emerging after this surgery new and striking and light. This is self-explanatory. This tiny-chested witch vaulting skulls is “literally me” goals this time next October. This was actually exactly, exactly my vibe getting my biopsy, with the sweetest nurses.

And now at last it all comes together, the public and private journal, on the eve of really what we’re all waiting for, oh god me for sure: the return of painkiller diaries. Painkiller diaries is a lifestyle, actually, it’s an ethos. I let myself so wholly rest after my gum surgery last year that the rest of November was the happiest I’d been in years. Please, again. Return to cashmere convalescence. And would you look at this beautiful soup sippin' mug I’ve gotten since then:

Oh I think we’re ready.

[mistress-ofmagic]

Around the Realms in 80 days- Chapter 20

Pairing: Reader x Loki

Story summary: You have fallen through a portal during the convergence into Asgard and come face to face with Thor, and his brother Loki. With no way to return, you must travel with the two men and their hoard of asgardian soldiers to get back home. Things get from bad to worse when you have to share a tent with the god of mischief himself.

Notes:

Um so hi!! I hope some of you are still out there!!! I'm so sorry for my insane absence but I have been struggling with some health issues and had to have surgery to have my gallbladder removed! Either way I am back now and I really really hope some of you are still interested in reading this story and can still remember what is going on lmao!

I honestly thought at one point this chapter would be short but I always think that and I am always a clown. We have gotten back to the plot more in this chapter after a couple of silly fun chapters so I hope you enjoy it!

Read this story on a03!

find all parts to this story on Tumblr here

The fire demons were attacking from all sides, with you and Loki in the middle. You were surprisingly calm and felt focused on your task, creating forcefields to protect you and Loki from the firebolts headed your way. Loki’s green magic blasted towards the demons, knocking them with force. 

“Impressive shield work, I suppose you've had ample experience dealing with fiery nuisances.”

You grinned at him in the middle of the battle, “my life is basically a never ending bonfire.” 

The demons retaliated with a torrent of flames and you wielded your staff to make your forcefield stronger. 

Loki flourished his sceptre towards the demons, 

“You’re extremely competent with that staff.” Loki said, impressed. 

“That’s what he said.” 

You both laughed heartily. 

“My dear, your quick wit and fiery spirit are almost as impressive as my powers.” 

Loki shot the rest of the demons with two pistols he drew from his holders attached to his tan leather buckled belt.

There was quiet after, and you dropped your forcefield now the enemy had been dealt with. You looked back at Loki, taking in his brown batwing chaps. You had the sudden desire to be as close to him as possible and you both took strides towards each other. Loki gave you a smouldering look, his eyes full of passion, took you in his arms and leaned in…

“Latte?” 

Who had said that? Loki’s lips had moved but a different voice sounded. Had Loki always had that cowboy hat on?

“Latte.” A singsong voice stated again. 

“Hm? Yes please…” 

There was a gentle chuckling which confused you. What had you said that was funny? 

Come to think of it, what was that strange whirring noise? And what was digging into your head?

Your eyes opened slowly and found Thor and Fandral looking at you, grinning. 

Oh god, you’d fallen asleep on the spacecraft. 

Worse still, you seemed to be resting your head on the shoulder of none other than Loki of Asgard. 

He shoved you off, surprisingly not too sharply.

“You have a bony shoulder.” You mumbled, rubbing the side of your head. 

“How did you fall asleep? I thought you were nervous.” Loki asked, almost slightly impressed. 

“It’s a gift.” You yawned and stretched and ignored Loki’s narrowed eyes. “Are we there yet?” 

“Nearly.” Thor answered as he and Fandral shared a look. “Best prepare yourself.” 

They wandered to the front of the helm with Hogan. Prepare yourself? How could you prepare yourself? Maybe you could take a defensive stance or something? 

Unfortunately the more nervous you got, the loonier your brain tended to get and your dream had knocked you off kilter. 

 “Stop it.” Loki said, sharply.

“Wh-i’m not doing anything.”

You refused to make eye contact with him, the dream still far too fresh in your memory. Jesus, what would have happened if you hadn’t been woken up? 

You stared determinedly at the steel floor. 

“I can tell you are ruminating, you are going to work yourself up, as you usually do.” He added at the end unnecessarily. 

Why did he pick now as an opportunity to be kind of sweet? Well as sweet as Loki could be, which was still rather stern and prickly. 

What was that uncomfortable feeling, were you…

“Are you blushing?” Loki asked incredulously. “Like a fair maiden?” He added smugly. 

“No!” You said too fast. 

Loki’s smugness seemed to grow. 

“I hope you are going to be able to focus on the mission at hand.” 

“Ugh don’t be so gross. It’s just a bit warm in here. And besides I’m allowed to ruminate. Is this 1984? Are you the thought police?” You prattled on.

God you hoped not now would be a really bad time for Loki to be the thought police. 

He raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘I told you so’ and you stuck your tongue out at him. 

“Very mature.” 

“Well given that I’m not one billion years old like you are I am allowed to have moments of immaturity, especially before I face certain death.” 

You noticed out of the corner of your eye that Sif was giving you a strange look from the seats opposite you, and it was not exactly friendly. 

You had kind of forgotten about the additions to your Asgardians pals on this trip and the fact that they weren’t particularly used to seeing mortals. And probably not mortals who argued with their most hated Prince. And you had just blushed too which was so uncool. Oh god, you were never going to beat the sycophant rumours. 

Your phone buzzed in your pocket. How do I have signal in space you wondered, starting miraculously at your phone. 

The text was from Oliver, a gif of a cat waving goodbye and the light relief made you chuckle. 

“What has amused you my lady?” Fandral asked, sitting down opposite you next to Sif. He sat with his legs very wide, almost touching Loki’s legs with what little gap there was between the two seating benches. 

Loki rolled his eyes and made an irritated noise which Fandral ignored. 

“Nothing really.” You shrugged it off. 

“Well something has got you smiling.” Fandral raised his eyebrows at you, teasingly. 

“Honestly it’s nothing a text.” 

“What’s a text?” Volstagg asked, biting into an apple. 

“Must you always be eating?” Fandral asked, laughing. “A text is a Midgardian form of electronic communication.” He smirked at you, knowingly. 

You fought back the laughter that threatened to escape you at the sight of Volstaggs confused face. 

“That’s right.” 

“But I wonder, who is sending you texts?”

“Just a friend wishing me well.” You replied hastily. 

“Ah” Fandral frowned. “But there is no need for such wishes, you have Asgards mightiest warriors with you.” He winked. 

Loki scoffed, and seemed to be about to say something when the craft suddenly jolted, as if it had hit an invisible wall. 

Thor took a few strides back to face the party. 

“We’re here.”

                                                                        ***

Surtur was huge. And also terrifying. And had you mentioned the huge thing? You could see why the fire demons had made him their leader.

He looked as though he was made completely from molten rock and seemed to remain ablaze. He had two horns sticking out of either side of his skull which alone must have been about the height of a double decker bus.  His eyes were two yellow fires held in the twisted roots of his skull.

You guessed this was sort of the court for the fire demons. Surtar sat at the furthest end of rocky landscape (fire demon architecture left much to be desired) with a few other important looking fire demons surrounding him who seemed to be swagged out with various pieces of gleaming multicoloured rock jewellery. 

There were more of the demons surrounding, snarling at your group as you walked past. Thor and Loki strode ahead of the party, and you had tried to position yourself in the middle, hoping you wouldn’t be noticed. 

God it was hot. You fought the urge to fan yourself and you felt yourself getting a very sexy top upper lip sweat already. Your outfit was doing nothing to help although you were grateful for it. Stark had kitted you out in head to toe Stark tech. The material was flame resistant, as well as having some other properties that seemed helpful but you couldn’t for the life of you remember what they were now.  

Of course, the Asgardians didn’t seem to have worked up a sweat. 

“Your council seem unhappy to see us, Surtur.”

“My council are unused to visits from Odinsons. As am I.” Surtur spoke with a deep, gravely voice that you felt in your stomach.

“We want no trouble.”

“And yet, you bring the God of trouble himself.” His voice reverberated around the room, encouraging the other demons to laugh, a sound that concerned you. 

“We demand answers. Why have you attacked Midgard?” Loki ordered. 

Surtur laughed again,

“Surely you have not come all this way, placed yourself in danger to lecture us about a tiny world that none of us care about?”

Rude, you thought. 

“Midgard is under Asgards protection. My father stopped the frost giants from conquering Midgard many moons ago and I will stop you from doing the same now if I have to.” Thor stated.

“I have no desire for Midgard.” 

Then why attack at all, you wondered.

Luckily, and also scarily, Loki was on the same page as you.

“If Midgard is so wretched, why even bother attacking them?”

Surtur frowned his great big forehead. 

“Midgard had grown complacent, it was time to remind them their fairytales were real.” He opened his mouth into a fiery grin.

You didn’t buy it personally, but you had bigger problems to worry about. One of the Surtur’s burning councilmen was staring directly at you, his eyes glistening like black coals. 

“Come now Surtur, you can’t think us so foolish as to believe that, when for thousands of years you have left the Midgardians alone? Your attacks on Midgard seemed random; attacking three cities and then retreating quickly? Not the strategic planning of the Surtur that we all know and revere.” Loki played to his ego. 

“The attacks on Midgard were just the beginning.” Surtur leant forward in his gigantic throne. 

The fire demon doing his best to stare you out was continuing to make you uncomfortable. You wanted to ask about the disappearances; after Stark had told you about the attacks you had done some googling and it turns out that a number of people in the cities had gone missing during the attacks. They were presumed dead, their bodies left somewhere in the destruction and rubble but something about it felt off to you. You had raised it with Stark and he had agreed. 

You were stuck between mentioning it but not wanting to draw any more attention to yourself. You thought briefly to how Loki sometimes talks to you in your head, a phenomenon you were not particularly fond of. 

Could there be a way you could do the same with him? You weren’t sure exactly how it worked and maybe it was just one of Loki’s irritating tools in his magical toolkit but could there be a way of reaching him in a similar way?

You focused firmly on the back of Loki’s head. 

Ask about the disappearances.

…nothing happened. 

Next, you tried to imagine sending the words from your head and into Loki’s head, but again 

nothing seemed to happen and you felt a bit stupid. You tried again a couple more times, shouting the words louder in your own head. Finally, you closed your eyes and imagined pushing the thought like a wave, crashing down onto him. 

Ask about the disappearances, bitch 

You tried louder and angrier too, in case that helped. 

You watched Loki closely as he shifted slightly. 

By the Norns, can you stop shouting at me? 

Oh my god, it worked. 

How did I do that?

I left the channel between us open and you figured how to tap into it.Even telepathically Loki sounded irritated, as if he regretted doing so. You however, were very pleased he had.

So I’m not telepathic? 

Fortunately not. 

But I did figure out how to do this. You felt very smug.

Congratulations. Loki sounded sarcastic. 

“What do you mean ‘just the beginning’” Thor frowned. 

You snapped back to the conversation happening not in your head. 

Surtur laughed in response. 

You noticed a shared annoyed glance between Loki and Thor. 

“What about the mortal disappearances?” Loki asked.

“So many questions.” Surtur goaded them, “how does it feel to be in the dark Asgardians?”

He was loving this, it was very frustrating. You wanted to punch his massive scorching face. Although, your hand would probably burn which wouldn’t have been ideal. 

Still you thought, he didn’t deny the mortal disappearances which could mean something. Or perhaps he was simply playing with you all. 

Thor scoffed, “Surtur you old fool, Asgard is still the most powerful realm in the Cosmos, do you really think whatever scheme you have bought into is going to prevail?” 

“Odin grows old, Asgard is not what it was. Perhaps it is time for change. The end of things as we know it and the rebirth of something new.”

“The ‘rebirth’?” Loki took a step forward, “careful now Surtur, that sounds suspiciously like…”

“Ragnarok.” Surtur finished in his deep, slow voice. 

The Asgardians around you shifted, and Sif made a noise of disgust. 

What was that word? You thought you could vaguely remember reading it somewhere but you couldn’t remember what it meant. By the reactions of the people around you, you guessed it was not good news. 

“What?” Sif spat and grabbed hold of her sword. 

Loki’s eyes were hard and steely, and his face pale despite the heat but he replied dryly,

“Ragnarok? A tired prophecy Surtur. Surely you can conjure a more original plan than that?” 

“Puny Gods, you cannot stop this. If I were you I would go home and spend your remaining time with your loved ones.” Surtur chuckled. 

You cursed yourself inwardly for not paying more attention to your books, if only you could remember what Ragnarok meant so you knew what they were talking about. 

Thor looked properly angry, a look you had not seen on him before, “Cease this senseless nonsense, this is your warning or Asgard will have no choice but to engage in war.” 

“You will have your war Odinson and you will loose. Ragnarok has already begun and there is no stopping what the fates have decided. The prophecy must come true.” 

“Then you know what we will do, you have signed your people a death sentence.” 

As Thor’s hammer glowed an electric blue, your heart jumped as you realised that a fight might break out. 

Oh god this is really happening. 

“Thor, let’s think rationally about this.” Loki put his hand on Thors shoulder. 

Thor however seemed beyond reason, and he shrugged him off as he held his hammer up and swung it, preparing to fight.

“You have made a grave mistake Odinson.” Surtur stood suddenly and you followed his flaming body with your eyes, amazed and terrified at the size of him now you could see his full height. 

“Don’t say it.” Loki groaned.

“I make grave mistakes all the time, but everything seems to work out.” 

“And you said it.” 

The air crackled with tension for a few seconds, and then before you could comprehend what was happening, fire demons began their attack. 

After a couple of seconds of standing there with your mouth open like a fish without water, you remembered the plan you Thor, Loki and Stark had come up with before your visit here; if a battle starts to get out of harms way as quick as possible. Luckily, the demons rocky architecture you had been judging earlier made for plenty of hiding places. 

As Loki distracted the demons conjuring illusions, you managed to spring yourself into action, ducking and diving behind a large rock. You moved further over to the left, staying low behind the walls where you could be covered and still keep an eye on the action. Gripping hard on your gun that you felt ridiculously underprepared to use you focused intently on what was going on. The weapon you had been supplied with in case of a worst case scenario, wasn’t outrageously powerful or anything, you doubted you would be trusted with anything too deadly however it could cause some damage if needed. 

You hoped however that you would’t need to use it. What had Loki said yesterday? Take any opportunity to leave or hide.

It was alright for him you thought dryly as you studied Loki fighting off a demon. Despite fighting seeming to you more akin to a nightmare, he seemed to be enjoying himself.

In fact, they all did. You watched Thor wielding his precious hammer that you could never remember the name of with unwavering determination, lighting crackling around him. Sif with her sword gleaming in the firelight, moving with grace and precision striking swift and deadly blows. Even Hogan, armed with his mace stood as an immovable force. Sif and Hogan seemed to have some sort of count on, with who could kill the most demons. 

You watched Fandral and Volstagg bantering as they fought off a couple of ugly looking demons. 

Watching them joke around make you feel more confident, as surely nothing bad could happen if the Asgarians didn’t think this was too difficult a feat. 

Where are you you heard Lokis voice. 

Behind some rock you sent back to him.

Very helpful, can’t you be more precise? 

What am I, a compass? I’m somewhere to your left, I can still see you all.  You replied. Directions had never been a strong point of yours. 

Stay hidden. 

You rolled your eyes. As if you were going to do anything else. Did he think you were going to try and take on a fire demon single handedly? You thought about replying something snarky but decided you’d better just let him concentrate. 

Indeed, Loki seemed very busy weaved in and out of reality, appearing and disappearing, his daggers cutting through the fiery adversaries. You knew that Loki’s skills were looked down on by the other warriors, Fandral had made cutting remarks during your time in Asgard but you still couldn’t understand it. You hadn’t had an opportunity to watch him mid action like this before and it truly was a sight to behold; he was lithe and quick while still strong and powerful, thwarting demons like it was his day job. 

It reminded you of something…then it hit you. This was similar in some ways to the dream you had had on the ship. 

Oh my god now is not the time. You physically shook your head to stop yourself from going any further than that route. 

Turning your attention back to the others, you watched Thors hammer crashed into the demons, unleashing thunderous blasts that scattered through their ranks, as Sif and Fandral sliced their swords through the air. 

Despite the fierce onslaught, the demons fought back relentlessly. Their fiery attacks rained down upon the group, testing their mettle. As the battle raged on, the ground shook beneath their feet as flames engulfed the surroundings. 

You wiped the sweat out of your face, looking around you for anyone who might have found your hiding space. However everyone was concentrated on fighting the Asgardians. 

Loki had told you to look out for opportunities to find out information that you might be able to gather more than others, however given the current circumstances you doubted there would be any chance of that. In fact, you felt a little bit useless crouched here watching the rest of them fight. 

Granted, your skills were never going to lie in hand to hand combat, but you still felt desperate to do something to support them. 

Despite Lokis’ warning to stay out of sight, you decided to take a chance. You stayed low and moved swiftly to the next bolder, dodging an ill timed flame headed towards you. From here, you were slightly closer to the action. 

You had a sudden strange feeling of playing laser tag as a child and how this felt much the same; crouching behind walls and hiding in dark corners. Unfortunately, the stakes were much higher now. 

Your eyes drew back to Loki, watching as he used his magic to push back against the demons. You bit down on your lips hard, as there was a close moment he barely missed a fireball that could have burnt his arm.

Can you be more careful you idiot, you sent your concern over to him before you stopped yourself. 

Worried for me mortal? How cute. 

You wish. 

You were though, worried for him. You knew Loki and the rest were seasoned pros at fighting off monsters but you had never been in a battle situation before. 

Come on, you told yourself, pull it together its not like they haven’t done this before, worry about yourself. 

While you were staring at him, you suddenly felt your back get very warm. You turned quickly, clutching your weapon to find the demon that had been staring at you earlier staring down at you. 

Your heart thumped loudly and you panicked, fumbling for the trigger on your weapon as you tried to half stand; an awkward movement due to your panic and trying to ensure the back of you wasn’t left exposed to an open attack.  

Before you could do anything, the demon surprised you by speaking. 

“Your friends are going to die. There is no getting out of this.”

You stared at him, unsure of how to respond to that. Instead of something heroic or even settling for something normal, you blurted, 

“Why haven’t you attacked me yet?” 

“Are you a mortal with a death wish?” His black eyes glinted at you.

“No.” You chocked out.

God seriously get a grip, you chided yourself, stop acting like such a prat. 

“Leave these Asgardians to their demise and come with me, there’s a greater future waiting for you.”

Now you were confused.

“What are you propositioning? What greater future?” 

“The human race is weak and frail.” The demon hissed. “But they can help make you stronger.”

“Who can?” You graciously ignored the insult. 

The demon just grinned at you, menacingly. 

“Who are you working with?” You asked again. “Who has promised you Ragnarok?” 

“You are on the loosing side mortal. Look at you, useless, cowering while the others fight. But that can change if you surrender yourself to them.”

He wasn’t wrong but it still stung a little. Hadn’t you just been thinking that it would be nice to be able to feel more helpful? 

“We can make you powerful.” The demon continued to press you.

Powerful…

You laughed and met the demons eye, drawing yourself up straight for the first time. Maybe that would have been a tempting offer to someone else. Unfortunately, if he was trying to sell you something he was going the wrong way about it. The thing is, you had never been particularly interested in the notion of power. 

“The issue with power is that it usually comes with responsibility. And I really, really hate responsibilities.”

You took a deep breath in. 

“Tell me who you are working with, or I’ll blast you with this…thing.” 

In a flash, you saw the demon narrow his eyes and lift his hand to throw a fireball at you, which at this distance would have killed you. You closed your eyes, let out a scream and pressed the trigger. 

You heard the blast and a noise that sounded suspiciously like something hitting a rock, and opened one eye slowly to see what you had done. Hitting something at close range meant that the weapon had proved to be pretty impressive, and you saw the demon lying in a heap a few feet away from you.

You shuddered, that was horrific. You wondered if Captain America usually shuts his eyes and screams like a ninny when dealing deadly blows. 

You gipped. 

Oh god I’m going to be sick, you thought, dropping your gun and gripping your stomach with one hand and a nearby rock with the other. 

The adrenaline of nearly dying but besting a demon and the gory sight of seeing it laid on the floor had proved too much. You were embarrassed to find tears in the back of your eyes.

Seriously dude, this fire guy was going to kill you and you beat it. Cheer up a bit maybe. You mentally shock yourself. 

It was then you realised that the demon had managed to burn you before you had shot it, your hand that you had held the gun with, that hadn’t been covered in anything was bleeding and sore. 

You’ll have to process this later you told yourself, trying to push it back into your mind so you could focus on the rest of the fight. Your hand stung but it would recover fine.

After a few breaths you pulled yourself around. You still weren’t overly keen on the idea that you had just killed something but you also had a sense of pride too. You had just beaten a demon for Gods sake! Useless human who? And you had been able to find out something interesting too, these mystery figures wanted humans for something. 

You bent back down and picked your gun up, turning back to face the fight. You looked up and made eye contact with Loki. His eyes took in your grimacing expression and caught the dead demon not too far away from you. 

Everything suddenly fell into slow motion. Loki took steps towards you and his mouth opened, you could see him saying your name but you couldn’t hear it. As his attention was turned towards you, a particularly large demon was running towards him from the left. 

Without giving it a second thought you ran straight towards the fight. 

The demon opened his palms to shoot the flames towards Loki and you weren’t going to make it in time.

You changed your direction running towards the demon and shot your weapon as you leapt straight in front of the torrent of fire that was made for Loki. 

It hit you straight in the chest knocking you forcefully back onto the gravely terrain and you cringed as you felt your head hit the floor. 

Someone was shouting your name but you weren’t sure who. There was a ringing in your ears from the impact nearly drowning out the noise of the battle. You could only focus on your chest hurting; it stung and ached and you were winded. You hoped that your outfit had helped a little in preventing burns but given the pain you weren’t so sure. 

Loki’s face appeared in front of you, a little blurry but still looking furious. 

“What the hel were you thinking?” You could tell he was incandescent but you were struggling to focus on anything other than the pain. 

“You’re welcome by the way.” Your mouth tasted like blood and you winced. 

You felt yourself being taken into his arms which you huffed at and he ignored, and he placed a surprisingly freezing cold hand on your burns. You looked down to see your Stark tech top was ripped and the skin under looked red and inflamed. Where Loki rested his hand, his skin was blue. 

“What the fuck?” You tried to move away, the sight taking you by surprise.

Loki shushed you and held you tighter so you couldn’t move.

“Stop fighting me for once.” He paused, his forehead creased 

“You… I would have been…” He stated, his eyes met yours, his forehead creased. He looked confused and vulnerable for a second.  

“Okay, this is dramatic, let’s not tell anyone about this.” You let your head rest in the crook of Loki’s arm. 

Just as you spoke, Thor realised what was happening and after he had finished off his fight came over to see. The others either hadn’t noticed or were holding down the fort with two of their men now fussing over a human. 

As the adrenaline was wearing off, the pain got worse and everything started getting more blurry. Your body felt heavy and tired.

“If you die I’ll go to Hel and bring you back myself so I can kill you again for being so stupid.” 

You tried to keep your eyes open for as long as you could.

“I’ll look forward to it.” 

Then everything went black. 

Notes: What did you think????? Also yes I had to get the AI's sequence in somewhere it was too funny lmao. I so so hope some of you are out there and reading this and I'm not just talking to myself.

Tag list:

@creationsbyme  @kikster606  @slytherinintj13  @th0rswh0res  @huntress-artemiss  @jannieka394 @stefffrs  @misswimberly @thedistractedagglomeration  @yoongissidebitchh  @purplekitten30 @mischief2sarawr  @johnmurphys-sass 

@lonadane  @imalovernotahater @lokisgoodgirl. @laliceee @dlwrish  @paetonnn  @lovelysizzlingbluebird  @reas-writing  @buttercupcookies-blog @acidcasualties

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

~*~

1. Hello, I’m trying to find two fics that I read but can’t seem to find again

A) is the lan juniors mad at LWJ because they saw him being a women into his room and thought he was cheating on WWX.

B) is the one I don’t remember much of but the main plot was the lan family (LWJ,LXC,LQR) sticking up for WWX about the abuse he faces. I know it had jiang sect bashing, even for Fengmian & yanli, it was modern au I’m pretty sure and the Lan sect was like A hospital or rehabilitation center I don’t remember. I remember it ends with WWX leaving the jiang household when he married LWJ. I think wen qinq and wen ning made appearances too.

1A)

FOUND? was the woman actually wwx? If so could be A Flower in Bloom (or Wei Wuxian Crashes a Party) by UmbrellaMartialGod (E, 30k, WangXian, Post-Canon, Crossdressing, Humor, Fluff and Smut, Established Relationship, Festivals, Dancer WWX, Insecurity, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, Porn with Feelings, mild possessive behavior)

I don't remember the name, but could it be the fic where lz and wwx stumble upon an unknown abandoned temple on a nighthunt, and end up getting a blessing from a god (initially mistaken as a curse?) That turns wwx into a woman temporarily so that they can have a kid together, and the god liked to do this for married gay couples. But then jc and jl see them in caiyi (haven't talked to wwx in months) and get mad cause think lz has a mistress and is disrespecting wwx?

FOUND? In Sickness and In Health (And In Strange and Unexpected Times Too) by purplemonster (E, 28k, WangXian, Fem!WWX, Mpreg, well technically not mpreg since he’s a woman, Fluff and Smut)

1B)

FOUND? To Speak Up by Vrishchika (M, 6k, WangXian, Modern AU, Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Not Jiang Clan Friendly, Not Madam Yu Friendly, Not JC Friendly)

FOUND? Step by step by apathyinreverie (T, 12k, WangXian, Modern AU, JFM and YZY Bashing, not particularly Jiang family friendly, Guilt, Fluff, past angst, Flashbacks, Protective LWJ, Soft WWX, adorable a-yuan, Friendship, Family, Getting Together, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff)

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2. Hiiiiii thanks for everything you do ✨✨ I’m looking for a fic where LWJ is an angel and WWX was his partner but he is believed to be dead (after a mission??) but he is actually in the burial mounds with (WN and WQ??) and A-Yuan and he give him his « light » to save him??? Also something is trying to kill him or the wen. It’s a bit confusing I’m sorry can you help ??? 🥺✨ @ihaveasoftspotfora-yuan

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3. Hi! I'm looking for a fic where wwx is a ghost and lwj moves into his house, wwx doesn't expect to be seen or heard so he starts normal haunting routine just to find out lwj CAN see and hear him bc family affinity, they end up falling in love but one day his ghost gets yoinked out of the house bc he actually wasn't dead, just in a coma? Does someone know which one this is? I have searched here but there are so many ghost and ghost related fics I can't find this one 😭

FOUND? one good thing by Yuu_chi (T, 26k, wangian, modern, ghost wwx, fluff & angst, happy ending, alarming number of rabbits, Podfic available)

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4. Hi! I am looking for a WangXian fic on AO3 that (honestly I don't remember much because I read it a long time ago) but it was a gathering of some sort and wei wuxian wasn't feeling that well ( u know when his magic is on edge), and something triggered it to go haywire so he started to run but like it had already gotten out of control n everyone was watching him in pain, trying to control, n how Lan zhan helped him. @nisooom

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5. Hello! Thank you for all your hard work! Currently on the hunt for a fic where wangxian are in a marriage of convenience but lan zhan loses his memory sort of (after surgery?) and after he goes back they start an actual marrisge and wwx is really happy about it but is also lying because they weren't doing all the coupley things before.@wryamihere​

FOUND! voidable by sarahyyy (M, 2k, wangxian, modern, amnesia, misunderstandings, love confessions)

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6. Hi! Thank you for all your hard work!! I've been searching for MONTHS for a fic that follows the general first scenes of WWX's resurrection, except because LWJ is so quick to bring him back to Gusu, he assumes LWJ and MXY were secret lovers? Or assumes that LWJ likes him, and has to wrestle with what that means to him? If anyone knows this story, I am BEGGING for the link :'D

FOUND? Love Song In Reverse by timetoboldlygo (T, 237k, WangXian, Amnesia, Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Falling In Love, Slow Burn, agressively mixing and matching novel and cql canon, No Homophobia, Mentions of Starvation, Parental WWX)

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7. Hello, please help me find this fic??

I only remember this one scene: WWX is thought to be dead i think? (It's after the events of the attack of the Cloud Recesses) LXC is saved by Wen Sibs while running away and meets the hiding WWX. After a few weeks/months both join the SS campaign with the head of WZL and WC.

FOUND! Light Source by abCEE (M, 31k, wangxian, canon divergence, not Jiang friendly, fall of lotus pier, no golden core transfer, sunshot campaign, established relationship, canon-typical violence, medical inaccuracies, no demonic cultivation, accidental baby acquisition)

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8. Hello! I dont know if I should label this as fic finder or ITMF or maybe both. its a fic where lwj and lxc compete for wwx's heart. i know that ive read one like this but i cant find it anymore [its a series where wwx died right, then when he came back, lxc said to lwj that if wwx chose him before, lxc will stand beside him (talking about the siege)]

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9. hello, i'm looking for an Avatar: The Last Airbender AU wangxian fic where LWJ is a fire bender and WWX is an air bender. LWJ can't properly control his fire bending causing him to hurt anyone who touches him and made touch-starved.

FOUND? Brightly Burning by Netrixie (Not Rated, 11k, WangXian, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, No Yin Iron, Touch-Starved, Tiny Angst, Slow Burn, Pre-Relationship, LXC is a good big bro, Element control, [PODFIC] Brightly Burning by Netrixie by kealdrakemna)

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10. Hey again! I'm trying to find this fic from AO3, it's basically a Leverage AU where WWX and JC are/were hitmen (WWX is retired) who work for an organization headed by Madame Yu that uses a restaurant as a front. LXC and LWJ are thieves that were taught by their mother. LWJ and WWX are dating and they both think that the other has a perfectly normal life and job. LWJ pulls a heist on Wen Pharma and Wen Chao goes and kidnaps him in retaliation, then Wen Xu shows up and freaks out at him for Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze rescued LXC and LWJ's mother from whatever the AU version of her situation was (LWJ & LXC grew up on the run and separate from the Lan Family) -sorry for bothering you again and for the really long ask @aro-ace-from-outer-space22​

FOUND! all the problems we could solve by Stratisphyre (T, 20k, wangxian, modern, getting together, fluff, humor, violence, meet-cute, identity porn, thieves au)

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11. Hello...I apologize for bothering you again. Please help me find this fic?

I think it may be a part of a series? In the fic WWX finds out that he has relatives from his father's side. Goes to meet them w/ LWJ. They are married I think? WCZ is the youngest of three sons. WangXian meet with WWX's grandmother and two uncles and cousins. Turns out they are famous and wealthy merchant family. WCZ left them to be a cultivator when he was a teen. They send so many things to Gusu after WangXian return home. And stop trading with Yunmeng or/and Lanling I think? @tinyfoxpeach

FOUND! Keep Holding On by abCEE (M, 316k, JC & WWX & JYL, wangxian, canon divergence, role reversal, YLLZ JYL, yunmeng sibling dynamics, good uncle LQR, sunshot campaign, PTSD, established relationship, angst w/ happy ending) wangxian meet wwx's family somewhere late in the fic and it's few chapters about it

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12. I am looking for a specific fic, where Wangxian time travel and it causes everyone else to become suspicious of their new found power and closeness. this leads to Jin Guangshan using a magical ball to spy on them, but it just turns out to be Wangxian acting all domestic and some hair brushing issues, until eventually Wei Ying catches onto the presence of the spy ball and ends the recording. I think there was some Lan Xichen POV about how he can't really read his brother anymore. please help.

FOUND? lan xichen is very concerned (and confused) by theninjacat (T, 3k, WangXian, POV Outsider, Time Travel, Canon Divergence, Sunshot Campaign)

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13. hello!! for the next fic finder, this is going to sound very weird but i have no idea where ive read this, all i remember is that it was jc pov's and it was very short(?), but i can be wrong. it started with jc waking up in cloud recess with something wet in his face, when he looks to the side, it was wwx's blood. after time traveling to the past, wwx decides to k1ll himself right there. its very morbid, i think? thank you <33

FOUND? could be this AngstyMDZSThoughts post

Just a side note for 13 please don't censor trigger words because folks who have those words filtered out will not be able to block them

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14. Hi! I was hoping you all could help me find this fic. I've been looking for days with no luck. The only thing I remember is that Wei Wuxian designed a tool for Jiang Yanli, possibly a hairpin or other headpiece, that utilized her energy so that she slowed down or froze fierce corpses. I think she uses it at one point when on a hunt with Jin Zixuan. WWX may have designed and created other tools in the fic as well. Thanks for any help! @lunathehungry

FOUND? Here Again (Spirits Rise, Unbroken) by TheDefenestrator (T, 74k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel Fix-It, Slow Burn, Happy Ending)

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15. Hello again. I’m hoping to find a fic of someone transmigrating into Yu Ziyuan. WWX calls her “Spirit Auntie” and she works to help him overcome his fear of dogs by getting him a bunny named “Dog” and a puppy named “Bunny”. If it was deleted then, oh well. Thank you for helping anyway. @gwencaer

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16. hello im trying to look for a fic where wwx created a talisman that summons his sword to him? iirc he tested it with jyl. that's about all i remember tho. thank you for your help!

hello im #16 on the latest ff and i do vaguely remember wwx creating barriers for each sect? i think it was by runes or stones he carved on? but tbh with you, im not sure it's in the same fic i was asking about 😭 inventor wwx sounds about right, tho i did wonder if it was a time travel fic too. thank you for your help so far

I don't remember what fic 16 is exactly, but I know the scene OP is talking about and have extended info! The reason Wwx was making a spell to summon swords was initially to retrieve Su She's sword from the waterborne abyss, and it was later used to retrieve some of the swords for everyone trapped in the xuanwu cave! Was this also the fic wwx created barriers for all of the sects as some kind of reparation?? It was definitely not a time travel fic, but inventor wwx fic

I don't recall if #16 sword summoning talisman is part of the turtle shield inventor WWX one, but as I also can't recall the title/author, here's more details on the turtle shield inventor one: I'm pretty sure it's madam yu/JC critical, WWX gets named Turtle Lord or something for his shields, LZ gave WWX the special jade he needed to make the shield and then Madam Yu ordered him to give it to JC. I think LZ gave his CR token to WWX so he could create another shield...

no that's definitely a different fic I remember turtle shield fic much more clearly and it didn't have that. I meant barriers to protect the Sect strongholds, using a series of nodes at points using the sects' insignia as a map/blueprint, not individual shields for a person

FOUND? The Communication Effect by draechaeli (M, 187k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, MM/WQ, canon divergence, arranged marriage, no golden core transfer, not everyone dies au, wens live, adoption, pregnancy kink, consensual non-con, light bondage, fix-it)

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17. For the next fic finder - I'm looking for a fic where LZ (unintentionally) was harming wwx (I think mostly by reputation - maybe for seemingly being promiscuous or disparaging his demonic cultivation?) and NHS yelled at him. I wish I remember more but at this time I think i've mixed it up with like 4 wildly different fics. I mostly just remember writing the review that I was pleased someone had finally clued LZ to the harm he was doing and that I was excited to see him try to fix it. Thanks! @math-is-magic​

NOT FOUND! Story-Shaped by lingering_song (T, 13k, WangXian, NHS & WWX, Post-Canon, Chief Cultivator LWJ, Inventor WWX, Found Family, Mentioned Character Death, Alcohol, Protective NHS, WangXian Endgame, Not JC Friendly, Not particularly gentry sects friendly overall tbh)

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18. hello! I’m looking for a WIP, abo, royalty au fic where the main pairing was lsz/jl with background emperor!lwj/empress!wwx. the summary was that o!jin ling had been warned away by jc from the royal fam his entire life bc of empress!wwx’s supposed role in jyl’s death, but, when he goes to the capital, meets and starts falling in love with a!prince!lan sizhui (to his own displeasure). in one scene, jl is going through his heat, lsz smells him and drops his sword running away. wwx and lwj had three kids, and one of the later chapters revealed that wwx was pregnant again. i’m pretty sure it’s been deleted/hidden bc it doesn’t come up in any of the relevant tags, but I’d be deeply grateful if someone has a link to it on the way back machine or something similar. thank you for your help!

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19. Hi, looking for the fic where LZ and WY are in college. Lan Zhan is engaged to Jin Zixuan, Wei Ying valets at a party at the Jins. He helps a drunk LZ who was attending it drive home and things develop from there. They don't know each other personally but do after that night. I read this fic once couple of yrs ago, can't seem to find it again. Pls help, thanks!

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20. For fic finder: It was set in canon era, WangXian. Golden cores were literal orb-like jewels that could be cut out of a cultivator’s chest, thus creating the opportunity for an illegal poaching trade. There was a scene where Wen Chao gleefully cut out Jiang Cheng’s, and I think he also took Wuxian’s. During the Sunshot Campaign when JC and LWJ get their swords back they also find the room of stolen cores, and are shocked to find WWX’s. Anyone know this one? Please!

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[maybank612]

Breaking News

JJ POV:

I looked down at my phone for probably the sixth time in the last minute. Y/n was supposed to meet us at the Wreck like an hour ago and she isn’t picking up her phone or answering her texts. 

“JJ chill she will be here when she gets here” Kie says as I fidget with my phone again. 

I look up to meet her eyes and huff. I then turned to look over at John B, hoping that he was just as worried as me that his sister was apparently nowhere to be found. 

As I met his eyes I can tell that he is fidgeting too. I went to ask him if he has any idea where she is but I was cut off as I heard Pope. 

“Holy Shit” Pope practically yells his gaze focused on the tv. 

That's when I see it. 

BREAKING NEWS. 

Reports are circling about a shooting on the southside of the island. It occurred about an hour ago, reports say that there was an altercation between two teens. Resulting in gun fire. There is one injured, witnesses say that there was an argument between the two young teens, when one pulled a gun and fired on the other. She was taken to the hospital, but there is no news on her condition. 

I couldn’t even formulate a thought before John B’s phone started to ring. That’s when I knew. 

“Hello?” He answered the phone “Yes, this is him.” there was a pause before my best friend’s face dropped. 

“I’m on my way” was the only thing I heard him say, he rushed to grab his keys off the table. 

I can hear Kie yelling after him, but I just followed running to twinkie. 

We all managed to get in the car before John B sped off. His hands gripped so tight on the wheel. 

“It’s her isn’t it” Kie said from the backseat. I wanted to say something, anything. But I was paralyzed. All I could think about was the possibility that I was about to lose the love of my life, my best friend in the world. 

John B didn’t say anything he just pressed on the gas. Before we knew it we were at the hospital. We all ran into the hospital John B going straight to the desk. 

“Hello, I’m got a call about my sister her name is Y/n, Y/n Routledge” He said his voice shaking 

“John B?” I heard Shoupes voice as he was walking around the corner. 

All our attention turned to Shoupe. 

“What the hell happened?” John B started to yell. Again all I wanted to do was say something, find out what happened but I couldn’t. 

Shoupe sighs trying to collect his thoughts, at the end of the day he cares about us and this is just too much. 

“Honestly, I don’t know. The few witnesses that heard the shot saw a black SUV drive off. The paramedics said that she was hit twice, once in the stomach and once in the leg.” Shoupe said. 

My heart dropped again, I felt Pope and Kie beside me. Us all in pain thinking about losing our girl. 

“She’s in surgery, I talked to doc and he said that it might take a while” As Shoupe finished putting his hand on John B’s shoulder.

That's when John B broke down, I don’t think I have ever seen him cry this much before. 

Kie and Pope immediately went to embrace him, and I just stood in my spot. 

That’s when I felt it, my chest tightened. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I grabbed onto my chest trying to relieve the pain. But nothing was working. I stumbled back with my legs hitting the chair behind me as I fell into it. 

I closed my eyes and all I could see was her. Her beautiful smile, the way her hair flows in the wind on the boat. Her eyes, I can hear her laugh. 

I felt like I was going to pass out, when I felt hands on my shoulder.

“JJ” I heard over and over again. 

I finally opened my eyes to see John B in front of me. 

“Breathe” he said, I didn’t even realize that I was crying until now. 

“I, I - uh can’t” I managed to get out 

“Shit, what does she say” John B muttered under his breath

He was thinking about all the times he watched y/n calm me down, but for that to work I needed her. 

“JJ, okay. I know I’m not her but you need to breathe. For her, okay she is going to be okay. Please. I need you to breathe” John B said

My body started to calm itself and my breathing slowed. 

I looked up at him from the tears in my eyes. 

“Oh, oh -kay” I stuttered out. Then John B pulled me into a hug.

We both held on tight. Kie and Pope wrapped their arms around us as well. 

God we needed her to be okay. 

<few hours later>

“Family for Y/n Routledge” a nurse said, grabbing my attention. 

We all shot up, crowding the nurse. 

“Yes” I said without second thought

“She’s going to be okay” I finally felt like I could breathe 

“There was a lot of bleeding. But we got it under control. She is going to be on crutches for a while, but otherwise she should be fine. You can see her if you would like” She said

We all say yes and then follow her down the hall. 

She opens the door. There she was, she looked so peaceful, thank god she was just sleeping. 

I immediately found my way to her side and placed my hand on top of hers. 

It was almost like she could since my presence, her eyes fluttered open and a small smile formed on her face when she saw me. 

“Hi” her voice was hoarse, but she still sounded like herself. 

“Hi baby” I choked out, tears forming in my eyes once more. 

“I’m okay” I laughed at her comment, even when she is lying in a hospital bed she is still trying to make me feel better. 

I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. 

I just stood there and stared as she talked with her brother and the rest of our friends. 

Then after a few I heard the door open. And in walked Shoupe. All our attention turned to him. 

“Y/n” He said walking over near John B to talk to her “Honey, I need to know who did this” 

I felt her grip on my hand tighten, I honestly hadn’t even thought about who was in this situation. Suddenly my blood began to boil. Who did do this?

“Rafe” She almost whispered looking over at Shoupe. 

Shoupe just nodded, almost like he already knew who did it. He turned and then walked out of the room. Our friend followed him out. 

“I’m gonna kill him” I said without even thinking. 

“NO” she almost yelled “JJ please, Shoupe will get him. Just please stay with me” 

The fire in my bones was washed away, I just nodded at her and sat by her side. 

“Okay” I whispered while sitting beside her. 

I gently moved the hair from her face. Running my hand down her cheek. 

“I love you” I said, trying to hold back more tears. “God I love you so much” 

“I know JJ, I know” She tried to calm me down. “I love you too, so so much” 

[letswrites]

C.L- Never be the same

Synopsis

Playlist

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

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Chapter 4: Pasta e gelosia (pasta and jealousy)

 March, 2024

She was back in New York. F1 2024 season was about to begin and Charles was almost begging for her to fly to Bahrain and be at the paddock with him.

“Please come” “I can't. I have a job. Plus I don't want to be seen with you at the paddock” “Why not?” “I like to be anonimous” ” “Fuck it!” “No. Don't fuck it. I can't let down those who need me here and I don't want to end like LadyDi” “But you can let me down? And I said Bahrain not Paris” “Charles” “Hum?” “If I asked you to skip a race to come watch me win a prize, make a speech or a revolutionary surgery would you do it?” “I would love to but I can't miss a race if it's not extremely needed to” “See? Same thing” he huffed “Quit your job, then. Come live with me in Monaco and travel around the globe to see me racing” “Are you out of your mind?” “I’m being serious” “You… I can't believe you!” She said with the most incredulous tone she had “What? What is so bad about it? I have enough money for both of us. Even more than you earn for a whole year of working” “Fuck you!” “Pardon?!” He was the one incredulous now “Do you think you can belittle my job, think I only do it because of money and I would rather be quiet and move to Monaco with you!? Guess what, Charles? I have a career that I love. Plus, I don't care about you because of your money. And I would rather live in my New York City full of rats and air pollution than live with someone who thinks like that about my profession and my character. Have a nice race in Bahrain” then she hung up the phone. “SHIT, SHIT SHIT!” Charles cursed “Idiot! Stupid! Can't you be mouth shutted?” he told himself.

…

March, 24th, 2024.

Melbourne, Australia 

Charles finished in P2. 2 seconds only after Carlos. He was happy, of course, but it didn't matter, cause she was not speaking to him again. Every night after a grand prix he tried to call her. But he still wasn't successful. He was there in Melbourne trying again, sitting on an airport bench, hoping she would pick that one up. And to his surprise he didn't have to wait for more than two beeps to listen to her beautiful voice on the other line “Hey…” he smiled “Hi…” “I was watching the race” “Really?” “Yes. P2. Congratulations” “Thanks” he cleaned his throat “But honestly, it doesn't matter too much” “Why not?” “Cause I am sad” “Why?” “Cause you are not here. And you also refused to talk to me all these days so” “I needed some time to think” “I took some time to reflect as well” “Anything you want to share” “Yes, please” “Go ahead” “I am sorry. For what I said or insinuated. I do think you have an honorable and respectful profession which you are passionate about just as I am about mine. So I’m sorry I made you feel worthless” “Thanks, Charles” “Also, it's ok if you are not here every race but when you have, I do want you by side” “Can't I share my thoughts now?” “Please” “Ok. I have a busy routine, busy schedule, and sometimes don't even have time for me. But  I do understand why you want me to be at the races with you, so I reviewed my agenda for this year and can make it from time to time. And I also want to be supportive to you” he smiled “It means a lot to me, thank you” “That's ok” “So, are we good?” “Yes, we are” “This makes me so happy. Now I can celebrate the P2” she laughed “But I am dying to know. Which race will you attend first?” “Imola” “May…” he took a deep breath “That's good! But, hum… Can I go visit you in New York? During my breaks?” “I would love to” “Ok” he looked forward and his flight was being called “I must go now. I am very happy we solved it” “Me too” “Alright. Bye bye” “Bye, Char. Have a good flight” “Thank you. Bye” then he hung up. The monegasque couldn't be happier.

//

May, 2024

Imola, Emilia Romagna, Italy

"Buonasera, vorremmo un tavolo per..." Charles turned and started to count how many they were "uno, due, tre, quattro..." And turned back to the hoster "un tavolo per cinque persone, per piacere" "adesso non che un tavolo libero. Deve aspettare più o meno circa tredici quindici minuti, va bene?" he chewed his inner cheek "un attimo, per favore" he turned to the group behind him "Hey, guys" they stopped talking and looked at the monegasque "Are you okay with waiting 15 minutes?"  Charles brothers agreed, such as Kimi "What about you, princess?" "It's fine" "Great!" He turned again to the hoster "aspettiamo, signore" "vorrete aspettare al bar?" "Si, vorremmo aspettare al bar" "Va bene. Seguimi, per piacere".

…

She was leaned on the bar counter waiting for the barista. Charles slipped off the conversation with his brothers, and Kimi to talk alone with her "Excuse me, lady. Can I offer you a drink?" She turned to him with a smile on her face "Such a gentleman. I'll accept the drink, sir" he smiled "What would you like to drink?" "Sparkling water, please" "Are you going to drink sparkling water?!" "Yes" Charles arched an eyebrow "Are you pregnant?" "No..." she looked down at her belly "Do you think I'm out of shape?" "You? Never" she smiled "Why are you not drinking, then?" "I don't have a reason" "Hum. Are you sure you are not pregnant? If you are, I hope that at least it's my baby" she raised an eyebrow and thought “it's not like you had enough time to make a baby”, then suppressed a giggled. "Fine! You won. I would like a..." she thought while looked at the menu "Limoncello. Limoncello Champagne. But you must drink it with me" "In the same cup?" "No" he pouted "I'm in agreement anyway". Charles turned to the bartender "Scusi, ragazza..." "Mi dica" "Vorremmo due Limoncelli Champagne, per favore" "Torno subito" they watched the barista leave "I want to thank you for coming. I know that travelling it's exausting" "It's my pleasure" she approched him "I enjoy to be around you" "I enjoy your company as well. I adore it" she smiled. The young girl came with the drinks "mille grazie!" "Prego. Volete qualcos'altro?" "Non, è tutto. Grazie!" she nodded, then left. 

She was about to sip the drink when Charles stopped her "Wait!" He tangled their arms until his glass where under her lips and hers under his lips. "Together on three" she giggled "Ok" "One. Two. Three!" They poured their Limoncello in each other's mouth. She laughed "This is so lame" "Oh, come one! This is cute. We are cute" "Yeah..." They stared at each other, hopefully she was feeling the same he was. The restaurant's hoster coughed, breaking the atmosphere they were dipped into "Scusi d'interrompere voi..." Charles turned to him "Il vostro tavolo è pronto" "Eccellente!" Then turned to the men near them "hey, guys! Let's go" and then offered an arm to her "Can I have the pleasure?" She giggled "Of course" "Venite per favore" the hoster said and they followed.

…

She sat between Kimi and Arthur, wishing it was Charles who sat at his younger brother's place. 

"So..." Kimi started "Do you have been in Italy before?" "Yes, once. In Modena. What about you?" he giggled "Conceived, born and raised in Itay" "Oh, you're Italian!" "Yes" "My grandfather's family was Italian. But I never met them" "Where are you from?" "U.S" "Where in U.S?" "Boston. But I live in New York" "Nice!" "Yeah. Anyway, you should stick into F1 Ferrari. It would be nice to have an Italian on the grid" "Are you suggesting a replacement for Charles or Carlos?" "It doesn't matter" she shrugged and drank her Limoncello. She had a weird expression on her face, she remembered the stress Carlos put Charles into and how that made her stressed at that night in Maranello "Are you angry with him?" "With who?" "Charles" he pointed, discretely, with his head "No! Not with him" "So it's with Carlos. What have he done?" "Well, he's just not my favorite person" the alcohol made her tongue slightly loose. Charles looked at her and Lorenzo's words turned into no-sense sounds only, what were them talking about? Kimi giggled "I can see. May I know why?" "Why do you care?" "I like a good gossip" she thought a bit, his honesty was appreciated by her "He got infected by a zombie virus and tried to kidnap me so he could kill me, cut my body, freeze it and keep it for eating later" "just like Santa Clarita's diet?" "Yes" he laughed, she sighed "He's stressing Charles. Then he stress me" "really? They seem to get along very well" "We don't know everything that happens behind the cameras" "oh! Fine. You won. I know about that very well" "See?" Charles interrupted them "ton eau" he placed a bottle of water in front of her "I haven't order water" I had. You drank alcohol, you need to keep balanced with water" she smiled, grateful "thank, Charles" "It's nothing" she grabbed the water and turned back to Kimi. She poured the water in a glass "Vuole un po' d'aqua?"

"Sì, per piacere"  she poured in his glass "Where did you learn these?" "These what?" "The phrase you just said" "I heard a waiter saying it in Maranello" "It makes sense" she giggled "there you go"  "Thank you" she sipped the water. "You know he cares about you, right?" "I know. I appreciate it" she gave another sip "I misjudged Charles, you know? When I met him" "Did you?" "Yeah. But he turned to be a better person than I thought he was" "That's kind" "Yes. But how about you? Where fro Italy are you?"  "Bologna" "Always wanted to visit" "Maybe I could show you one day" she chuckled "Kimi, I'm too old for you" "I don't care you are older than me" she sipped her drink "How old are you, kid?" "17" she almost choked laughing "You're a baby!" "I'm not" "I'm telling you, I'm too old for you" "How much old?" "11 years" "Are you 28?" "I am" he huffed "You look way younger" "Thanks" he sipped his coke , trying not to feel the awkward moment "But I would love it. As a friend, of course" she grabbed her phone "Leave your number" "I am truly honored, miss" she giggled "Just stop trying to flirt with me" he laughed "I can try" "fine" "Ok, then. Have you already decided what are you going to order?" "Not really. You?" "Me neither" she turned to Lorenzo "Lorenzo, excuse me" "Yes?" "Pouvez-vous me donner deux menus, s'il vous plait?" she stretched her hand "Carrement. Mais... il n'y en a qu'un" "C'est ok. On partage" "Voilà! Et... c'est 'tu' non 'vous' pour toi" she smiled, shyly "Ok. Merci" she turned to Kimi again "Let's see..." she opened the menu and sat closer to him so they could read it together. Charles wasn't happy with that scene.

…

"What's wrong with you, Char?" "Nothing, I'm fine" "Did I upset you?" he smiled softly "No! Never. I said it's nothing" "It doesn't sounds true to me" "Why not?" "Because you look upset" "Well... You and Kimi flirted all night. How am I supposed to feel?" "What?! We didn't flirt!" "Qu'est-ce que tu me dit sur aller à Bologne ensemble, ajouter lui numéro dans ta contacts, lire le menu comme ça, hein?" he sticked in her body exaggerating what actually happened with Kimi. She smiled "Don't be jealous" "Why shouldn't I? I always have tons of reasons to be jealous but you never seem to care" "Char" "What?!"  "First of all, he's just a kid" "True..." “And also, this is not about Kimi only, is it?” “Not really?” he sat on the sand “Will you tell me what’s the matter?” she adjuted her dress and joined Charles “Since I first saw you, I feel so much about you, that is almost scary. I knew that you would put my last relationship in ruins, that you would make me dumb and blind,  that I would hate myself and never be the same again” “So you regret meeting me?” “No! I am trying to say that you are such a hard person but I’m crazy about you. So,please, make it easy to me” “I already have been in a horrible position where I was used, scammed, cheated, and I had to develop this bulletproof shell, you know?” “I understand. But I don’t get why you act like that with me. Did I give you any reasons?” “You broke up with your girlfriend because of me. I feel like the girls that my exes broke up with me to be with” “It’s  not like that” “So it’s like what?”

she was right “ I don’t… I don’t know what to say. Can’t you give me a chance? I don’t like to be the guy that lies about things being superficial only when I want to have all of you” “So it wasn't just a booty call, right?” “Are you talking about Maranello?” “Yes” “It wasn't” she took a deep breath “Sorry, Charles. It's me, not you” “It's me not you. Really? What the fuck is wrong with you?” “I can't be too close to you” “Am I contagious now?!” “No, no. I am the problem here. When I get too close to people, especially in romantic relationships, I get too attached, you know? And I can't, cause people leave and when it happens, it hurts excessively and I don't want to feel pain anymore” “I already told you I ain't leaving! I show it to you! What else can I do to make you believe me and trust me!?” “I don't know. I tried already but this mechanism of pushing away works so well for me…” “So I am the only one taking risks and trying hard here?” “Not completely” “This is fucking ridiculous, I do understand some people are dismissive because they have trauma or whatever but I can't be with someone who's not willing to try not to be dismissive with someone who's as supportive as I am” she could tell Charles was hurting “Charles” she touched his wrist “I am sorry. This is very hard to me” “I know it's. But I am here to help you. Support you. Hold your little but very skilful hands through the damn process” she looked at him “Ok. I can try” “I only believe seeing it” she chuckled, then poked his chest “Stop!” “I am being serious! This is the last time I am trying” “Fair enough” he smiled, then kissed her forehead before pulling her to a hug. “And just for the record…” she started “I really like you. You don't know about that but I see you everywhere. In the subway while I cross New York to go to work, in my bathroom when I shower, in my kitchen when I cut tomatoes, in the elevator of the building I live in, in my apartment which number is 1610... And there are other places but I think you get it" he crossed his arms "I got it, you flirted with Kimi and now wants to compensate me" she rolled her eyes and kissed him in the sequence. He placed his hand on her face then waist and when they parted he pulled her for another hug and buried his face on the crock of her neck. Her white silk dress was so soft he wanted to live there.

"Je te vois partout aussi" she breathed in his cologne and the cool night's air filled her nostrils. “I feel like I can live here forever” “Me too” “I have good news to you” he lifted his head “What's it, princess?” “I am going to Monaco. See you race at home” he smiled brightly, then jumped on her and threw her on the sand standing on top of her and kissed her lips “You just gave me the best news” she smiled “Did you book a hotel?” “Of course” “So unbook it. You are staying with me” “At your place? In Monaco?” “Yes. I refuse any rejections coming from you” “Do you know what it sounds like?” “What?” “A living dream” “I can make all your dreams come true if you let me” she smiled “You can start with kissing me with those beautiful lips of yours” “As you wish, my lady” he pushed down and lost himself on her lips. Next Sunday was going to be great, he could feel it.

[stargazer-sims]

Eden update

I did not anticipate that transitioning a new dog into my home would go this smoothly. I planned for every eventuality I could think of, and didn't end up needing to worry about the majority of it. Honestly, I’m shocked at how well it’s going.

Friday (Eden's first day home) was a bit stressful, but I could see her getting more comfortable as the day went on yesterday and she and Sailor started warming up to each other. This morning, I was able to hold both of them in my lap at the same time, and so far today it’s been pretty much nonstop playtime for her and Sailor.

I left them alone for approximately an hour this afternoon while I went out to run a couple of errands and to obtain a footlong pretzel, and when I came back I still had two happy, healthy dogs. There were no "accidents" and nothing was destroyed.

The biggest challenge at the moment is that Eden is almost completely untrained. Aside from being housebroken, she really doesn't know anything else. She walks well on a leash, surprisingly, but she absolutely hates getting the harness on. I've ordered her a slip-on service dog style harness like Sailor's, so we'll try that when it gets here and hopefully that'll be easier for her. I'm going to give her a couple weeks to settle in, and then I really need to start training her because she can't even do a basic sit on command. She has zero recall skill, and she won't be able to be off-leash outside anywhere except our yard until she does.

Meanwhile, she has bloodwork and a physical examination scheduled for 12 August, and surgery to fix her umbilical hernia and to neuter her on 27 August.

Her first big adventure with us will be a trip to my parents' house in August. I'll keep everyone updated on her progress.

__________

Eden Valentine (silver merle) & Sailor Hope (fawn)

((yes, my dogs have middle names))

(excuse the mess… they trashed the place) 😂

[nanawritesit]

Class 1A as Baristas at a Coffee Shop

TW: this is aged up bc there’s references to alcohol and 🍃, so if you’re a child of god then read no further 💀 also mineta isn’t included because i hate him, and you should too 😊

A/N: i’m a barista so i’m qualified to make these claims. also i know i haven’t written any of my actual requests. i’m depressed and my life is chaotic. besides this is just for fun and didn’t really take much effort so leave me alone 😤

midoriya:

literally the best barista boy on the planet

his customer service skills are GOD-TIER

even when a customer is being rude to him, he’s just such a lil cinnamon roll back to them and kills them with his kindness

has amazing relationships with all the regulars, completely memorizes all their names and orders

legit has full conversations with them

“hey carl, how’s the wife doin’?”

“welcome back emily, did you get into that university you told me about?”

“good afternoon joyce, how’d your husband’s gallbladder surgery go?”

comes up with really creative drinks to use for the monthly specials

is secretly all of the managers favorites because he just works so hard (even bakugou’s)

whips through all the cleaning so fast at the end of the day

todoroki: “okay so we need to wash the utensils, mop the floors, and clean the espresso machine…”

midoriya: “oh, i already did all that todoroki!” 😊

loves coffee but is very sensitive to the caffeine so the managers have to make sure he doesn’t have more than two shots a day 💀

bakugou:

one of the managers

honestly the least likely person you’d expect to be a barista

can only work morning shift bc he goes to sleep at 8:30 (nerd)

his customer service SUCKS but he’s literally so good at his job they can’t really fire him

he just hardly ever runs the cash register and assigns it to one of the more sunshine-y baristas (usually deku or uraraka)

not usually trusted with training new recruits bc he’s such a bully

if a customer is being rude to one of the baristas he won’t hesitate to clap back, because HE’S the only one allowed to bully his employees 😤

uraraka will just step away from the cash register and go “bakugou i need your help with something” and he whips around with the most deadly grimace

bakugou: “is there a problem, sir?”

customer: “n-no problem here, the coffee tastes great” 😄

god forbid one of them gets snappy on one of the rare occasions he works the register

customer: “i demand to see your manager!”

bakugou: “you’re lookin’ at him, dumbass”

damn near explodes when some white girl comes through wanting a mocha caramel latte-cino made with skim milk and no whipped cream in a medium cup with the same amount of coffee as a small so she can stir in her own nutmeg

doesn’t give a single fuck about regulations if he thinks they’re unnecessary

iida: “bakugou, the health department says these bagels have to be thrown away after six days!”

locks the doors ten minutes before closing time and won’t let anyone else in

bakugou: “i don’t give a damn what the health department says, i’m not throwing away six perfectly good bagels!”

punched the espresso machine one time when it wasn’t working and it fucking exploded 💀

iida made him walk across town to buy a new one

todoroki:

another one of the managers

is tasked with training the majority of the new recruits since bakugou cant

the most level-headed chill person to have around during a rush, he never loses his head

can instantly correct someone’s order if they mistakenly got a hot or iced coffee

customer: “excuse me, i ordered this coffee iced.”

todoroki: “oh i’m so sorry, lemme just-“ *touches the cup with his right hand and it fills with ice* “there ya go”

OR

customer: “i don’t mean to be a bother, but i wanted a hot coffee and this is iced.”

todoroki: “yeah gimmie a sec-“ *heats up the cup with his left hand and melts the ice* “should be good now”

likes macchiatos because the separated milk and coffee reminds him of his hair 🥺

pisses off the rude customers with his indifference

customer: “i’ll just take my business elsewhere!”

todoroki: “okay well, it’s your money so you can do what you want with it”

gets flirted with all the time but is too oblivious to notice

kaminari: “dude that girl TOTALLY just gave you her number”

todoroki: “nah she probably just wrote it down in case we needed a survey” *throws it away*

kaminari wants to go off on him but he racks in a lot of money in tips for all of them to split so he keeps quiet

iida:

general manager from hell

runs the shop like it’s the fucking army

really nice if you follow all the regulations tho 😀

he’s the best person to have around during a rush because he just kicks his engines into maximum overdrive and speeds through all the orders

also does deliveries on the side because he’s a fast boi

tried to implement a demerit system, but bakugou took one look at the poster and tore it off the wall 💀

everyone prays to god that they get scheduled with momo instead of him

constantly taps the other workers on the shoulder to hand them a wash cloth and a spray bottle and goes “if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean”

everyone acts like they hate him, but when he gave a really touching speech at the christmas party everyone started crying

also organized the secret santa

ends up apologizing to customers for bakugou’s terrible customer service and hands them like a thousand coupons

uraraka:

customer service skills only come second to midoriya’s

she’s a DELIGHT to talk to

even at 7 am when you’re sleep deprived and caffeine deficient, the sight of her smiling face behind the counter will cheer you up :)

during a rush she forgets not to grab the receipts with all five fingers, so they’ll just start floating everywhere

bakugou: “hey round face, all my orders are on the ceiling!”

uraraka: “oh shoot, sorry!” *puts hands together* “release!”

draws cute little pictures on all the chalkboards 🥰

somehow knows exactly what a customer would like when they ask her to recommended something? people start wondering if that’s her real superpower

ironically doesn’t like the taste of coffee… her favorite drink is a hot chocolate with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles

tsuyu:

only got the job to be closer to her best friend uraraka but ends up really enjoying it

gets nervous talking to customers so she mostly just sticks to making the drinks

has to be reminded not to grab things with her tongue because it’s against the health code 💀

when a customer is rude to her the ENTIRE team gets pissed at them, because she’s an angel and must be protected 😤

hates when people watch her make their drinks (she gets anxious 🥺)

pretty much the baby of the shop, whenever she accidentally burns herself steaming milk everyone rushes over like “OH MY GOD TSU ARE YOU OKAY?!?!”

kirishima:

one of the only two baristas trained by bakugou, so he ends up being really good at making coffee

is able to memorize large orders really quickly

“alright i’ve got a skinny macchiato no whip, iced dirty chai with oat milk and an added shot, two americanos extra hot, and a vanilla frappe?”

is the designated carrier of the cold brew kegs

AND the delivery boxes

AND the milk jugs

pretty much anything that’s heavy, he happily carries it

eventually becomes a team trainer, which suits him perfectly because he’s always boosting the team’s morale

bakugou giving the morning debrief: “alright guys, today’s gonna be super busy, and it’s gonna suck.”

kirishima: “SO LETS GET OUT THERE AND DO OUR BEST! I KNOW WE CAN DO IT!” 😆

kaminari:

the OTHER only employee that was trained by bakugou

tries so hard to flirt with customers but fails miserably

is really good at making coffee but he makes a decent amount of mistakes, like using the wrong milk or making drinks hot instead of iced (good thing we have todoroki!)

also wanted to become a team trainer but couldn’t pass the servsafe exam 😀

hooked himself up the espresso machine after bakugou broke it so they could use it until he came back with a new one 💀

does stupid shit with kirishima whenever the shop is dead

bakugou walked in on them making a castle out of cups and knocked it over, then screamed at them to get back to work

conveniently goes to the bathroom every time a huge group of people walks in

sneaks his phone in the bathroom with him

is also a chronic stoner and can’t get through a shift without hitting his pen

he accidentally left it in his apron one night and the next day iida gave everyone a talk about paraphernalia in the workplace

and everyone just had to act like they didn’t know it was kaminari’s 🤡

sero:

only has this job to pay for weed

is basically a glorified janitor because he’s not good at making coffee at ALL

he tries tho 😗

has the worst memory ever

customer: “can i get a small hot vanilla cappuccino?”

sero: “yeah so a large iced mocha frappe?”

customer: “no… a small hot vanilla cappuccino…”

sero: “yeah, that’s totally what i said.” 😀

also can’t remember how to make drinks to save his life

sero: “i’m sorry but what the hell is the difference between an iced coffee and an iced latte?”

bakugou: “OH MY GOD IVE TOLD YOU LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES”

goes to take out the trash with kaminari and they don’t come back for like twenty minutes

and when they do they’re coughing up a storm and reeking of weed 💀 like they don’t even try to hide it

would have gotten fired months ago if they weren’t so short staffed

mina:

is also a team trainer because she’s good with people

tries to get everyone to hang out outside of work, and she usually succeeds

made everyone go to karaoke and get drunk together

iida was QUITE the life of the party after a few drinks, and she evilly videotaped it all

makes memes about the managers and sends them to the barista group chat

spontaneously starts dancing while working, even when there’s customers

drinks like eight shots of espresso a day

is also the shop’s social media manager

constantly takes pictures of everyone and posts them on the shop’s instagram

jirou:

manages the shop playlist

kaminari tried to get her to put a bunch of inappropriate rap songs on it but she didn’t want iida to get mad

sings to herself throughout the entire shift, everyone thinks it’s really cute

except bakugou, he isn’t afraid to tell her to shut up

only drinks black coffee, she doesn’t like milk or sugar

always spices up her uniform with cool accessories and jewelry

she’s not going to sacrifice her individuality for a corporate position 😌 (even if iida constantly lectures her… momo didn’t want to hear it anymore so she started scheduling jirou with her)

momo:

assistant general manager

everyone loves her, she’s an amazing boss

always releases the schedule two weeks ahead of time

is everyone’s barista crush

literally, a new man asks her out every day

is in charge of keeping inventory and ordering ingredients, she’s good at math so everything is always well stocked

is super nice to all the new employees she trains

is a tea enthusiast

sources a bunch of fancy tea and recommends it to the customers

she’s actually garnered a few coffee converts, no one is really able to say no to her pretty face 🥰

never gets made at anyone for requesting time off, in fact she’ll excitedly ask them ab their plans

also never guilts anyone for being sick and not coming into work

pretty much everyone’s mom, if anyone comes in looking upset she’s immediately like “okay what’s wrong, tell me right now”

hagakure:

sneaks up on people all the time

like someone will go up the counter to get their coffee and just see a floating apron

customer: “um, i ordered a latte and-“

hagakure: “yeah, it’s right here!” 😄

customer: “OH MY GOD-“

LOVES to gossip with mina

always has way too much energy early in the morning

*todoroki barely being able to keep his eyes open as he unlocks the door*

hagakure: “AYO SHOTO ARE YOU READY TO OPEN THIS COFFEE SHOP?!?!”

aoyama:

refuses to wear a hair net

DEVOURS croissants

wants to put cheese on the menu, and doesn’t care at all that it’s a coffee shop

buys fresh flowers to put on all the tables 🥰

one day the open sign burnt out so bakugou made him shine his navel laser though it 💀

goes on his phone during his shift ALL the time, and never listens to iida when he yells at him to put it away

tokoyami:

everyone likes being scheduled with him because he’s basically two baristas

“hey dark shadow, can you make this order for me while i stock the bakery case?”

wants to be emo like jirou and only drink black coffee, but can’t stand the taste

“yeah jirou, we’re the only strong ones in the shop!” *dumps three creams and five sugars in his coffee when no one’s looking*

made everyone wear costumes for halloween and handed out candy to customers

purposefully messes up rude customers’ orders 💀

like if they ask for almond milk he’ll put in whole milk so they shit themselves

or if they want it skinny he’ll use the regular syrups so they get sugar overload

doesn’t know how to answer the phone

customer: “is this my hero coffee academia?”

tokoyami: “no, this is fumikage.” *hangs up*

almost has a meltdown everytime he spills something, has to lock himself in the freezer to calm down before walking back out like nothing happened

only works night shift for obvious reasons

shouji:

multitasking king

all his arms allow him to do different things at once

him and iida are the speed demons of the shop, so when the two of them work together everything gets done in like two seconds

iida will be running around making all the orders while shouji is cleaning everything all at once

is pretty much everyone’s therapist, he’s just so easy to vent to

gives the best advice

is so huge and intimidating that there’s hardly ever any rude customers during his shift

koda:

gets so upset every time a bug is killed in the kitchen

koda: “NO PLEASE HE HAS A FAMILY”

momo: “koda i understand this is hard for you, but we cannot have a spider roaming freely around the food”

squeals whenever a customer leaves their dog outside

he’ll be standing at the window with his hands pressed up against the glass and tears in his eyes

todoroki: *sigh* “you can go pet the dog if you want-“

koda: “THANK YOU” *sprints out the door*

starts buying dog treats to give to the owners, he even offers to put them in a little cup of whipped cream 🥺

gets sato to make some vegan baked goods :)

ojiro:

cant spell customers’ names right to save his life

ojiro: “alright, can i get a name for this?”

customer: “yeah, it’s brian with a y!”

ojiro: “got it!” *writes yrian*

or he just writes the wrong name altogether

sharon is now shannnon

tyler is now tyson

jack is now jake

let’s kaminari fluff his tail when he gets overstimulated during a rush 🥺

is constantly apologizing to everyone for accidentally bumping into them with it

sato:

the faithful head baker

comes in at 4 am everyday to prep the baked goods

always asks everyone if they have any special requests <3

customers are constantly complimenting the stuff he makes and asking who made them

the baristas just smile and they’ll them that their baker sato made them, and if he’s still there, they’ll drag him out to accept the compliments 🥰

isn’t very good at asking for help, but hagakure and aoyama are always around to frost donuts or decorate cupcakes when he’s running behind :)

(BONUS) aizawa:

the area coach that stops by every so often to make sure everything is running up to standard

everyone is really scared of him but he honestly doesn’t give a single fuck so long as they’re not serving trash

only comes by during the night shift because he refuses to wake up early

and of course that’s when they least expect him

iida and momo are just nervously leading him around the shop while kirishima and kaminari are sprinting to the kitchen to throw away all the expired food 💀

tells them they’ll get shut down if they don’t get enough customer surveys, which makes everyone panic and hand them out with every order

they still didn’t have enough so sero and mina were in the back filling them out the day they were due 🤡

turns out they were never going to get shut down, he just lied to them so they’d push surveys 🙃

[missmastectomy]

Hey there! Hope it's okay that I'm asking you this. I used to identify as non-binary but I'm trying to detransition back to being a woman and you seem really knowledgeable so I thought I'd ask you. Sorry for how long this ask is in advance.

So, my question is: Is there any way for me to get rid of gender dysphoria?

I just feel such a disconnect between the female parts of my body and myself. Looking in the mirror, my body is objectively fine. If any other person had my body, I would say they look great. But it just does not feel like me. I feel much more comfortable in a chest binder. I feel like I would be happier with myself if I transitioned.

I asked r/detrans on Reddit how to make it go away and I followed their advice. Most of it was pretty similar to the advice I saw you giving in your "mail" tag.

I've read books about feminism and body positivity (which did help with my issues about worrying about weight, and gave me a lot of insight into feminism and the patriarchy, but didn't do much about the dysphoria). I've tried getting outside and out of online trans spaces (also didn't help much). I've done a ton of reflection and thinking about myself and my experiences (didn't help a lot because I haven't really experienced a lot of sexism or negative feelings about being a woman - I don't have any SA or abuse trauma either). I present as a very GNC woman and have never had any negative experiences about that either.

I have no idea what to do. My life would be so much better if I could just be happy being a GNC cis woman. I wouldn't have to worry about dating, or telling my family, or paying for top surgery. But noooo my brain doesn't like that for whatever reason.

Wanting to be non-binary is honestly starting to make me hate myself because I just wish I could be normal. I don't want to get called a delusional weirdo for the rest of my life.

Literally any advice would be incredibly appreciated. Or thoughts. Anything. This is also really vent-y and I'm sorry about that. I'm just kind of at the end of my rope here.

Well, it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to understand yourself better, so honestly I don’t know what I can do in that department. My main advice is always self reflect on anything negative w/ gender you may have experienced, associate positive things with gnc people etc… but in your case I’d recommend completely deconstructing your ideas about gender.

What I mean by that is that it sounds like you still believe in the concept of gender itself. For me, I don’t believe in it at all. I don’t believe non-binary is a valid identity, if you’re using it in place of describing your gender, instead of man or woman. I also don’t believe trans people really have a “gender identity” - I just consider them to be men and women who physically alter themselves to cope with dysphoria. They then take on a unique social role (if they assimilate), but I just wouldn’t call that “gender.”

If you stop believing in gender identity, you might have an easier time with your discomfort. It helped me a lot. I know that’s easier said than done. If you don’t believe in gender but are interested in transition, focus on the negative health aspects of transitioning.

You said you read my mail tags so I won’t go on about it, but transitioning will fuck you up in the long term, if you don’t start experiencing problems after a year or two. I’m serious, don’t do it. Top surgery is not what you think it is. You’ve probably heard this a billion times, but the issue is the way you perceive your body. And I don’t know you, so I’m not sure what advice to give specifically.

But some things are universal. Female bodies are not built to sustain themselves on male hormone levels. I understand if you’re dysphoric and feel like this is the only out, but people don’t understand how precious health is until you lose it. Or a body part. It’s an impossible feeling to explain unless you went through it.

If you go on HRT and are on long enough, you are going to experience problems with your reproductive system, or worse, your heart. T is especially hard on the cardiac system. It’s not “if,” it’s when. I was lucky to escape the worst of it because I was on a low dose for most of my transition. If you’re at male levels you will have problems. Like I said before, atrophy is super common. Uterine and vaginal, and it’s not just dryness when it’s moderate/severe. It’s your canal splitting open and making it agony to sit and walk. It’s the T in your system actively killing your reproductive organs. That’s why so many trans men get hysterectomies.

Surgery is a whole other issue. How would you feel if your surgeon botched your chest? If you had limited mobility or chronic pain, if you had dog ears or extremely visible scars? That is not a risk worth taking. Your health is more important. The brain can be treated with time - the body is harder when it has been damaged past a certain point.

Look, everyone who transitioned felt this way at one point. Or mostly everyone. Like we’re in a cage and there’s only one solution. But it’s a lie. These doctors are selling you snake oil, whether they realize it or not. I mean this in the non shittiest way possible, but your experiences with GD are not unique. There are people out there like you who have moved on and healed. It’s possible for you, too. A sure fire way to deal with GD is to completely stop entertaining the idea of transition, and gender generally. It is bad for you and I think there is no better way to describe it than extreme self harm. Transitioning won’t make you happy, or whole. What it will do is allow you to run away from yourself and give you a truckload of health/social complications to boot.