#I think I wrote this before 4.4 it's been a while

[shadowed-dancer]

I want Xiao to teach us more about the yakshas, but I want it like how he did it in 3.4 lantern rite. I don’t want insight into their lore and suffering, I want him to casually bring up the most random and trivial facts about them

Imagine the traveler is sitting there by the lake and Xiao’s like “this reminds me of how Bonanus would catch fish with her bare hands and then kept them in a hydro bubble as pets” and the traveler is like

[mykindofgeeky]

An Exhausting Review of The Wheel of Time

Apologies for the delay. Unfortunately round 2 of @fantasybooktournament ended right before my work week. On top of that Tears of the Kingdom and Gideon the Ninth have been consuming many of my waking hours outside of work. At this moment I am taking a break from both of my current obsessions to try and organize my thoughts about WoT. I will be providing a spoiler free TLDR followed by a more in depth review of the first four books.

SPOILER FREE TLDR:

The Good:

The Wheel of Time is an exceptionally well written high fantasy epic.

It utilizes its main cast well and most of them have satisfying narrative arcs.

The magic is unique and well thought out.

The women of the cast share just as many interesting personalities and skills as the men.

The series plays a lot with gender roles directly related to the magic system.

It has a lot to say about destiny and the heroes journey.

Several interesting mentor figures that all have just as many negative traits as positive ones.

A focus on one character's PTSD that is very believable and taken seriously by both the narrative and the characters around them.

A beautiful ending that still makes me cry when I think about it.

Brandon Sanderson

The Bad:

There are several villains that are sexual predators utilizing brainwashing, violence, and grooming to get their way. Jordan doesn't write sex scenes so none of the acts are recorded in the books but they are heavily implied.

There is exactly one trans woman character and she is a villain. She is also a sexual predator.

There is slavery in this series. It is done by one of the antagonist factions but it is not really resolved by the end of the series.

EXTREMELY LONG.

The insane amount of characters is a lot to keep track of. That said you don't NEED to know every character by name.

Major low point in the series that can be difficult to read due to a dramatic shift in narrative pacing. This starts in Book 5.

While the women are interesting they were still written by an old white guy. A lot of the "strong female characters" we have are described as overbearing, conniving, and arrogant.

The romance is often forced and the end of the series appears to be obsessed with pairing up all the characters without lovers.

Many of the characters have repeating physical habits as well as repeating experiences. Jordan will describe these things the same way over and over. There's a lot of fingering of blades, knuckling mustaches, yanking of braids, and adjusting of shawls.

Jordan clearly takes a lot of inspiration from Eastern faiths and cultures in both his magic system and the religion of the setting. He doesn't represent these things particularly well and it feels very Orientalist to me.

Brandon Sanderson

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

The Wheel of Time as a series is the absolute height of high fantasy epics in my opinion. It represents this sub-genre very well with nearly every trope of in the high fantasy tool box being utilized. That said it also carries many of the perceived negative aspects of the genre.

When I said this series was "very long" it is very much an understatement. The main series of books tops out at 4.4 MILLION words spread over 14 novels and 1 novella. It also has hundreds of characters with well over a hundred receiving a POV throughout the books. Yes that's right, this series has multiple characters sharing their perspectives.

The first three books I'm going to call "What if Robert Jordan wrote The Lord of the Rings?" These books are The Eye of the World, The Great Hunt, and The Dragon Reborn. Are these books direct rip offs of LotR? No absolutely not, but they do share a lot of the same structure. The fourth book The Shadow Rising is when things really get spicy.

***

The Eye of the World's primary purpose is to introduce important characters, set the narrative pacing of the series, and establish the setting.

It follows a group of youngsters from the village of Emond's Field; Rand, Mat, Perrin, Egwene, and Nynaeve. Several strangers come into the village for the Spring festival, Moiraine the Aes Sedai, Lan the Warder, and Thom the Gleeman. These characters serve as guides and mentors in the outside world later on. Shortly after this they are forced into a world of adventure after evil creatures called Trollocs attack their home.

The Eye of the World is a great opening to the series. It invites you into the setting and holds your hand through the first day before plunging you into the first night. The juxtaposition between the warm and gentle opening day and the horrifically violent night afterwards is a perfect synopsis of the two opposing forces of Light and Darkness.

It later lays the groundwork for the main characters' arcs that they will go through in the series while leaving room for doubt on if they will make it at all. There is also tons of foreshadowing not only within the book but also for the series as a whole. These are fun to piece together on a first read and even more fun to find on rereads.

The combat scenes are tense and you can really feel the Emond's Fielders panic contrasted with the wizened mentors calm. The social aspects of how the Aes Sedai fit into the world also provides plenty of tension. One of the main antagonistic forces in the series is introduced early on in Perrin and Egwene's travels and they are portrayed beautifully as the cruel bastards they are.

The ending is a little confusing, especially on a first read. Unfortunately Jordan seemed to have a bit of trouble writing around wanting the main antagonist to be in the book and for the main characters to think they've won in the end. It is a short and weird ending but most of the other books get much better endings.

***

The Great Hunt's job is to flesh out established villains and introduce new ones, flesh out some of the major factions, and provide more POVs on these weird ass situations. It primarily focuses on two storylines: "The Boys' No Good, Very Bad Day? Month? Year???" and "Little Witch Academia: Spy Game."

The Boys (Rand, Mat, and Perrin) are chasing down thieves who stole an important plot device called the Horn of Valere. They need this back because there is a concern that the horn could be used by the forces of evil to summon ghost heroes to fight for them. In addition they stole Mat's fucking drugs (an evil ass dagger from the first book) and now he's in withdrawal. The dagger is needed to break Mat's reliance on it.

The Girls (Egwene and Nynaeve; and new friends; Elayne and Min) are learning magic at the White Tower, home of the Aes Sedai. Egwene and Elayne are "Novices" together while Nynaeve has been allowed to become "Accepted" due to her being a bad bitch. Min is basically in a comfy jail cell and bored because she's not a witch. As they are learning magic they have been accidentally recruited into finding secret "Dark Friends" (followers of the main antagonist the Dark One) amongst the Aes Sedai.

Once again The Great Hunt does its job well. We get to learn much more about the world from several POVs. The White Tower is filled with political intrigue. The factions that have been introduced so far get a lot more development and the new ones are interesting. We see an introduction of several significant bad guys including the Seanchan who are really interesting.

At this point we have had a lot of growth with our main cast. They are still scared of conflict but they know how to defend themselves. They become more comfortable with the outside world some willingly some unwillingly. The mentor characters are starting to step away from being mentors which allows them to be more independent characters in their own right. That tenseness from the first book never really goes away. This book has a lot of twists that will have you on the edge of your seat.

The ending is far more comprehensible in The Great Hunt than The Eye of the World. It is extremely epic with an incredible three-way struggle that is referenced throughout the rest of the series.

***

The Dragon Reborn is our epic conclusion to Jordan's Lord of the Rings. Its job is to finish a lot of what was started, and develop our main cast further. It follows four groups of our cast to the city of Tear where The Dragon is to be Reborn: "The Al'Thor Identity (Crisis)," "Nanny Damodred: Manhunt," "Little Witch Academia: Spy Game pt. 2," and "The Guilt Trip."

Rand has been proclaimed the Dragon Reborn by Moiraine after the events of the second book. Rand is not a fan of this. He is so not a fan of it that he decides to try and speedrun this whole "Chosen One" thing. Of he skips to Tear by himself where he is supposed to claim a special sword that proves he's the Dragon Reborn. Reality literally bends around him on his way leaving a pretty clear path to follow.

Moiraine is not a fan of Rand going off leash and needs to chase him down. She takes Lan (who is basically glued to her ass anyway), Loial the Ogier (elves but thicc), and Perrin. He's pretty easy to follow since there's a Rand shaped hole left behind everywhere he goes. On the way Perrin makes two new friends; Gual the Aiel, and Faile (who are now both glued to Perrin's ass).

Nynaeve, Egwene, and Elayne are hunting more dark friend Aes Sedai after there was a theft and breakout of several of them from the White Tower. These dark friends stole several items of power and they must be retrieved. The girls are tracking them down disguised as Aes Sedai which is leading them to Tear unbeknownst to Rand and Moiraine.

Mat has been brought to the White Tower to be healed and separated from the dagger. In addition it is revealed that Mat is now connected to the Horn of Valere due to the events of the second book making him a very valuable asset to the White Tower. Mat nopes the fuck outta that and manages to escape after a lucky run of dicing and finding his old mentor Thom the Gleeman. After traveling to Caemlyn to deliver a letter, Mat becomes aware of a plot to murder Elayne. He knows that she's heading for Tear and decides to go after her.

Overall this is my favorite book of the first three. Its a more complicated plot but its easy enough to follow and every time the POV switches you get excited to learn more about that part of the story. This is the beginning of Rand's "madness" which is a side effect of being the Dragon Reborn as well as being a male witch and I enjoy how its written. You really feel for Rand as he acts like a cornered animal with nothing to lose. Perrin's interactions with his two new companions are fun with Gual being a fast friend who gives good advice and Faile being a compelling romantic interest with an acid tongue. I really enjoy how Perrin really appreciates Faile's beauty over time as he gets to know her. That said they kinda fall for each other really fast out of nowhere. Although they are probably one of the more interesting couples in the series. The girls have a fun roadtrip down to Tear with lots of new characters introduced. They aren't as prominent in this book but once they get to Tear they get to do a lot of cool shit. Mat's roadtrip with Thom is a fun reflection of their trip together in the first book with a far more competent Mat and a Thom who sees Mat as more of a man. We also get to see Mat's intelligence shine in this book which is great because he was more of a side character in the first two books.

The ending is a chaotic mess but in a fun way. All of these characters are smashing into each other by coincidence and foiling each others plans, rescuing each other from danger, and of course getting into arguments. There isn't really a big antagonist in this ending but it doesn't detract from the book at all.

***

OK NOW WE ARE GETTING SPICY! This is where the series really starts to shine bright!

The Shadow Rising is widely considered to be one of the best novels in the whole series. Personally it is my favorite fantasy novel hands down! The Shadow Rising is trying to do many things here but primarily it is: expanding the scope of the setting, circling back to previous plot points/details, increasing our main cast's influence on the world.

The Shadow Rising is the longest book for a reason. It is covering many, many storylines at the same time but I'm going to try and narrow it down. Primarily I'm going to focus on four groups: "Al'Thor of the Three-Fold Land," "Back to the Shire," "Little Witch Academia: Spy Game pt.3," and "How to Stage a Coup: Paint It Red."

Rand has been reading. This is a mistake. He decides that he must go to the Aiel Waste in order to become their chosen one, the Car'a'carn, The Chief of Chiefs. He is joined by Mat, Egwene, Moiraine, and his Aiel allies. During their journeys they are forced to discover more about themselves. Egwene goes to desert witch bootcamp. Mat gets a fancy spear and a new hat. Honestly, everything is coming up Al'Thor so far.

Perrin is worried about Emond's Field and decides to go back home and make sure everything is ok. He is joined by Gaul, Loial, Faile, and two additional Aiel Bain and Chiad who have taken a liking to Faile. They show up to the Two Rivers being invaded by Trollocs and the White Cloaks (who are chasing Perrin). Perrin and friends rally the Two Rivers to fight against both invaders.

Nynaeve, Elayne, Thom, and a new friend from the last book Juilin are still trying to smoke out the dark friend Aes Sedai. They track the traitors to Tanchico and begin searching the city. They end up finding more than they bargained for.

Min is continuing to be an endlessly annoyed guest of the White Tower. She is being used as a spy by the Amyrlin Seat (head of the White Tower) but she soon finds herself in a dangerous situation. Elaida the Red Sister is attempting a coup to claim the Amyrlin Seat for herself. Min manages to fine Siuan (the original Amyrlin) and Leane (her right hand woman) but they are both powerless and can no longer do magic. As they are escaping they also collect the dangerous criminal and False Dragon, Logain.

This is what we were waiting for. This is the true first chapter of the series. Everything up to know has been a prologue in my mind. We get serious character development, expansion of the setting, violence, romance, and so much more magic. If you want to read this series but don't think you'll finish it I BEG OF YOU read to this book. The Aiel are so goddamn cool and their culture is really interesting. The magic fights are getting more intense with them being narrated almost like sword fights. The politics within the White Tower and the Two Rivers is really cool. The drama in the Two Rivers with Perrin is so intense! I just can't praise this book enough.

I think I have to leave it there this is already too damn long. I really hope you give this series a chance and see if it is for you. Happy reading everyone!

“You can never know everything, and part of what you know is always wrong. Perhaps even the most important part. A portion of wisdom lies in knowing that. A portion of courage lies in going on anyways.” - The Eye of the World

[benkyoutobentou]

31 Days of Productivity Reading: Day thirty one

Before: I’ll be honest, I’m definitely sad to see this challenge come to an end! I really enjoyed sharing my reading thoughts and day to day activities with everyone. Today, I’ll be reading volume five of ロンリーガールに逆らえない (which is the last volume I own), watching the last four episodes of Sk8 with the minimmersion server, and hopefully reading some 憎らしい彼！I definitely have been putting that one on the back burner in favor of making sure I get through my goal of ten volumes of manga this month, so I’ll see how much of it I can get through today.

After: Today was definitely busier than I expected, but I shouldn't be surprised since most of that business was spending Easter with family. I also streamed the last few episodes of Sk8 over in the minimmersion discord server. In the end, I ended up going back and streaming the very first episode as well for one of the late comers to the series. I always love participating in minimmersion, I always have a good time chatting with people during the streams.

I did indeed finish volume five of ロンリーガールに逆らえない and it wasn't enough to get me to my minimum of an hour of reading! I read 165 pages over fifty five minutes for an average reading pace of 3 pages per minute. I don't really have anything more to say beyond what I've already said about the series, but if I'm being honest, I'm kind of ready to move on to something different. I will absolutely be buying the last volume to finish the series and I would overall recommend it, but I'm not much of a binge reader in the first place and reading five of these in a row was just. Enough to tide me over for a while. I found myself making myself go back to it rather than looking forward to picking it up. I think most everything I've said about this series has been negative and I'm sorry for that because, like I said, it's not a bad series and I do like it! I just find it easier to pinpoint what I dislike about something rather than what I enjoyed.

Yet again my 憎らしい彼 reading was very minimal and mostly to make sure I hit that hour mark. I read five pages over twenty two minutes for an average reading pace of 4.4 minutes per page. One thing I'm looking forward to after ending this challenge is picking up this book earlier in the day. Each time I pick it up, I don't want to stop reading, but I just get way too tired. I've been prioritizing finishing manga volumes instead these past few days.

I wrote out a little retrospective on this challenge, but it ended up being super long, so it's in its own post that you'll see tomorrow!

[eristic-kaleidoscope]

Degrees of Separation || Kenshin || 4.4 || RE: Jae-min, Adrik

As soon as Jae-min backs down, Kenshin quietly sighs. Thank god, thank fucking god he stopped that. While he didn’t exactly want to use the reasoning of ‘what happens if someone you care for dies in your stead,’ the fact that it worked says a lot. Now, back to the matter at hand. His eyes fall back on him, before nodding.

“Thank you for telling us all that. We’ll let go of that argument now.” He begins, before looking back at the group.

“That does confirm that is separate from everything else, throwing all my theories out the window. No bother, though, so let’s think. The scene with the sheets and the possible arson attempt are not important, at least to the case, and we can discuss that after this. For now, the matters at hand.”

“The only thing that matters now is everything that relates to the scene in the library. From what we discussed, to summarize, the killer wrote out their plans before printing it in the one office from their Android device. From there, they got to work, buying tools and setting up the library to fit the trap, including using AION for their plan. Poor guy. Anyway, from there, with it set up, they proceeded to the eatery, meeting up with Erika L, where they shared a meal together, and the killer threw away their plans. With that, the killer somehow made their way back to the library, ready to activate AION with the cue. That sounds right, right?”

“Our main deduction points now are the Android device that was printed from, and the key that remains in the library. Connecting both to one person would definitely show us our prime suspect, so that should be our main point to discuss now. Not to mention, possible motives can connect into this.”

But with the deduction that there are only three suspects left, he stops. Three, including one of his close friends, someone he considers family… and himself. How his anxiety builds with those thoughts, as while the facts make it make sense, his heart says otherwise. He’s quiet for a while, calmly tapping his podium once more, before slowly speaking up.

“....got it. Good to know there’s only three people left.”

….

His words trail for a few more moments, before sighing, lightly pushing up his glasses. “...out of the three people remaining, I highly doubt it’s END. While she certainly is crafty to do this, at least I believe so, I doubt she would want to hurt Erika L. Even if it was an accident, something tells me she wouldn’t have gone through with all this.”

There, his gaze falls over to the person next to him. “I don’t think it’s Kokone either. She did say she was napping before and around the time of the murder. Not to mention, we got together to hang out right after 8. It would have been right after the murder as well, not to mention…”

“......I know Kokone. If something was wrong, I would have been able to tell. She was fine earlier, so it can’t be her. Just trust me on that, there’s no way she would have done this.”

He should say more, to defend them both, but it was certainly a start.

However, instead of saying anything else to follow that, Kenshin simply smiles.

[swellwriting]

Mistakes that Make and Break.

Fandom: Harry Potter, Marauders Era

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

Warnings: Mature themes?? Nothing major. Angst and immense fluffy sweetness.

Request: Remus doesn't know he has a 7th-year daughter until he teaches her?

Word Count: 4.4 k

A/N: Timelines and ages don't really make sense but let's bend the rules ok, this is the land of pretend. Also, I'm changing the year to 3 instead of 7 :))) This has been sitting in my WIP’s folder so I guess I should just post it lol.

Remus Lupin is not an easy man to find. After his friends died he sort of went into isolation, he wouldn't see anyone not even you.

You weren't even sure if he remembered what had happened, if he didn't care, or was purposefully avoiding you.

It was the night of Halloween, the same night Lily and James were killed. Maybe he blamed you and that's why he ignored you for that first while and then became totally unreachable for years. 

But that night, seemed a blur, a tragic terrible and happy accident all rolled into one. You were at their Halloween party, you got drunk, told too many truths, lost your ability to stop yourself from staring at Remus the way you were. He was drunk, so were you, both dumb virgins, or so you thought, you weren't too sure anymore if he had lied.

He took you to his house, it was small and poorly but you didn't care in the slightest, he would usually be ashamed but he was too drunk to care and you were taking off your clothes in his bedroom so he was purely focused on that. He was all clumsy hands and toothy grins, messy curls in his face and too drunk to even care about you seeing his scars. He was considerate and sweet and funny and he filled you with so much hope with every sweet compliment he whispered in your ear.

You fell asleep shortly after, both drunk and tired, when you woke up Remus was gone and you had lunch plans with Lily so you had to go home and change, you were so excited to gush to her about Remus. You worried that it was weird that he left you alone in his house, but maybe he had somewhere important to be. 

It wasn't until you apparated home that you heard the news, so many of the people you saw the night before were now dead, Lily, James and Peter, and Sirius was behind it all. You remembered taking shots with him that night, a sour taste fills your mouth and you quickly ran to the bathroom just in time.

It was easy to blame it on the drinking, the loss and sadness you were facing, that's why you felt so sick, for over a week. Then you blamed it on heartbreak when Remus kept ignoring you, avoiding you. You felt so alone, unwanted. When your period never came the following week you sort of saw it coming. It was like life was trying to make this horrible loss of your friends even worse. Making you pregnant by a man who won’t even acknowledge your existence or what happened between you. Your best friend was dead and you couldn't confide in her for help or advice. 

You were alone, 9 months later your daughter was born and then you didn't feel so lonely anymore. You sent an owl out for Remus every month for the first few years, but you had no idea where he really was so they kept coming back. 

You still thought about him all the time, the way he left you, broke you. You still hoped one-day he’d come back, that he wasn't dead somewhere waiting to be found.

Raising your daughter all alone was hard, you had your parents to help you but for most things, you were on your own. It became much harder when you found out your daughter had a specific gene passed down to her, one you didn't even know Remus had and one you had no experience with. When you found out you felt like nothing could get any worse, you didn't want to report your daughter to the ministry, you wanted her to live a free and happy life as best she could. You bought wolfsbane potion each month and even confided in the last person you wanted to talk to. 

You wrote a letter to Sirius Black, you started by saying that you had no desire to talk to him, to know how he is or to hear his excuses but that you needed help. You told him what happened between you and Remus, about your daughter, and ever so secretly about her “unruly attitude” that was exactly like Remus “problem” and asked him how he dealt with that in the past, or if he even knew enough to understand what you were really talking about behind these codewords.

Sirius was quick to write back, somehow he was easier to reach in Azkaban than Remus was, where ever he might be, Sirius told you every trick he learned over the years to helping Remus and they all helped magnificently, the tips and tricks, the chocolate. When she was young she was easy to control but as she got older she became stronger, you loathed sending her away to Hogwarts when the day finally came. After making plans with Dumbledore, thanking him profusely for everything you mind was a little calmer.

Everything was going fine, as smoothly as possible until your daughter's third year. Even though you cried back in the first year when she told you she finally met Harry potter and he was so cool and nice and she definitely didn't have a crush on him. You told her all about him as a baby, his parents and the memories, but made sure to leave Remus out of them until she was older at least.

You had named your daughter Hope, after Remus’ mother, you had no idea what else to name her and you hoped that if he ever found out about her, this would make him want to meet her more, love her more somehow.

-

Hope couldn't help her crush on Harry, so when she saw him walking towards the Defence against the Dark arts classroom she walked up beside him.

“Hey, Harry!” She said excitedly, she wanted to tell him everything you told her this summer about his parents and him. “Hi Hope, how are you?” He asked, though his mind seemed to be somewhere else.

“Good, have a good summer, Harry?” She asked sweetly.

“Not particularly,” he answers and then stops right in front of the dark arts classroom, Lupin is standing inside, watching from his desk as the two students interact at his door.

“Oh, I'm sorry.”

“Not your fault,” he answers quickly, “I have to go talk to Professor Lupin if you don’t mind,” he says and walks into the classroom.

“If you want me to cheer you up, my mum told me more stories about you, when you were a baby and about your parents,” she says and Remus wasn't really listening to their conversation until then, his head perks up.

“Maybe later, I've just-” Harry tries to make up an excuse but Remus is interested in what the young girl has to say.

“No rush Harry, there is time for a story. I’d like to hear it too,” he says and gestures for the girl to come over to his desk.

Something about her face is too familiar, though he knows he's never seen her before, she has a few faint scars on her cheek and forehead, brown messy hair, she’s lanky but still shorter than Harry.

“Hello, Mr. Lupin.” She says timidly, and he smiles at her, “I'm Hope.”

He nods his head as for her to continue and she does right away very excited.

“My mum says she was there when you were born and you were really tiny, so tiny that your dad was scared to hold you. And she says your dad was a really good Quiddich player, but you probably knew that because you're really good too. She says your dad once threw a quaffle and hit her right in the face and it was really funny because he felt really bad.”

The pieces started to fall together for him, clicking in his mind. The more she talked the more it clicked into place.

“Hope, who exactly is your mother,” he asks, as though he doesn't want to believe it.

“Uhm her name is Y/n Y/l/n, why Mr. Lupin?” She asks, completely unknowing.

“She is your mother?” He asks again as though he can't believe it.

“You knew her too, I mean if she knew my parents, and you knew my parents it makes sense?” Harry questions.

“I... I did,” he admits and he looks white as a ghost, both kids stare at him, wondering why he is acting so strange.

He is racking his brain, he hadn't seen you since that night at his place, when he left you there, the way he avoided you and ignored you. He tried to do the math in his head but his brain wasn’t working, who the hell could this girls father have been, he couldn't picture you being with anyone, for as long as he knew you, you only had a crush on him and then he ruined it. Did you move on that quickly? He shouldn't ask, it’s improper to but he can't help himself.

“Hope, dear may I ask who your father is?” Remus asks quietly and Harry is beyond confused at this entire interaction.

Her face goes pale, her bottom lip goes in between her teeth as she bites hard, her eyes travel between Remus and Harry before she quietly mumbles, “I don't know, sir.” and hearing those words makes his heart stops. 

He stares at her for a moment, she has his messy hair, the same damned nose, similar scars decorating her face and he feels like throwing up. His head is spinning and he doesn't know what he is going to do. “Very well,” he manages to say. “Uhm Harry I'm rather sorry but I’ll have to talk to you later I have a lot of papers to grade, so if you don't mind,” he says and points a shaky hand towards the door.

“Okay,” Harry says and Hope follows him out the door like a puppy, they quickly fall into a much more normal conversation.

He isn't sure what to do with himself. He suddenly is filled with regret and self-hatred. He left you the way he did, with no explanation, he wasn't there for you after he lied to you, made you think that he wanted you, which he did but then everything changed. He ignored you, he thought you were just in love with him or something, feelings he couldn't process but in reality, you were simply just trying to tell him that you were pregnant. He left you alone to deal with the grief of such a great loss and then alone to raise your child. He missed out on so much of her life, he wasn't sure she would even want him anymore.

Then he remembered the scars and it hits him. Not only did he have a child he didn't know about but he had also passed down lycanthropy to her, he left you alone to deal with a child that had the rotten luck of getting his stupid gene. You who didn’t even know Remus was a werewolf, who didn’t know what you were signing up for with one stupid mistake of one night. 

His heart felt as though it was snapping into a million pieces, her little happy smile replayed in his mind, the way she looked up at Harry like she admired him so much made his heart hurt too, the way she talked about her mom, talked about you.

-

You hadn't known Remus had been teaching at Hogwarts, your daughter wasn't assigned to his class and you didn't often read a list of the entire faculty of Hogwarts in your spare time. When your daughter started at Hogwarts you moved to the village of Hogsmead, this meant your daughter was never too far if she needed you, and you could easily visit her with the help of Dumbledore.

Tomorrow was the first Hogsmead visit of the year, your daughter would always come by the house with her friends and you had baked cookies expecting their arrival the next day.

-

Remus, after throwing up three times, and drowning in self-pity and regret, made his way to Dumbledores office keeping his head down to hide his sickly face and red eyes.

Dumbledore let him in quickly, with a knowing look on his face.

“You knew didn't you?” Remus said, not angry-sounding just looking for answers.

“Knew what Professor Lupin?”

“You knew I had a daughter, you knew she was here and you didn't tell me.”

“It was not my place to intrude. I knew you had a daughter, yes, but I only knew so much as Y/n told me.”

“What did she tell you? I haven't seen her in years since James and Lily died. I had no idea.”

“She came to me when Hope was starting her first year, she told me she hadn't seen you in years, couldn't get ahold of you no matter how hard she tried. She said she resorted to writing to Sirius for advice, and Sirius had told her to come to me for help just as I helped you when you started at Hogwarts.”

“She went to Sirius for help? How could she?”

“She didn't have another option, everyone she knew was dead and she couldn't find you.”

“I didn't know,” Remus says more to reassure himself.

“It wasn't my place to tell you about a child you had no idea about, I didn't know why you were avoiding her.”

“That's what you were hinting at, back at the beginning of this year wasn’t it.”

“Yes.”

“I thought you just meant Harry when you mentioned an “interesting student”, I didn't know. And she's like me and, I feel so guilty I don't even know how to tell Y/n, how to apologize I'm scared she will hate me.”

“There is a trip to Hogsmeade tomorrow.” Dumbledore states.

“And?” Remus asks confused.

“She moved there when Hope started school, so she could be closer. As far as I know, she never moved on. And she is one of the kindest people I've ever met, more forgiving than most. Be honest with her, I'm sure she will listen but don't tell Hope anything until you have spoken to Y/n, it's her decision if you get to be a bigger part of Hope’s life.”

“Okay, you’re right,” Remus says as he nods his head thinking deeply, “thank you.”

“Oh and Remus, “ Dumbledore starts and Remus stops walking and turns back, “I’d keep an eye on Potter.”

“You think I'm going to just forget about him because of all of this?” Remus asks, offended.

“Not at all, I was merely telling you to keep an eye out for Harry and Hope, she seems to have as some would say, a schoolgirl crush.”

“Oh, Merlin,” Remus curses as he walks out the door, head in his hands.

Remus goes to his room, he showers, nerves filling every inch of his skin until he resorts to sitting on the bottom of the tub and letting the hot water turned cold fall on his head, it isn't long until the water is mixed with salty tears. He is overcome with fear and shame and he brings his knees to his chest, hiding his face as he cries and cries, ribs shaking as he squeezes his arms leaving crescent moon marks in his fingers wake.

He tries to sleep but he can't, he feels so bad about Hope, about abandoning her for all these years, about abandoning you and he is so scared to face you.

-

When the time to leave for Hogsmeade comes around he tries to avoid everyone, not wanting to be asked why he suddenly has an interest in travelling to the small village. 

The ride seems longer than usual and Remus pulls his thick sweater over his hands to keep them warm. He goes to the house Dumbledore directed him to and stands for a good five minutes at the front door before knocking, he wants to make sure he gets there before Hope does.

You have the cookies ready and you’re surprised to hear the door so early but excited to see your daughter none the less. When you open the door the last person you expect to see is standing there looking like a scared child.

“Y/n,” he says like the word is foreign in his mouth.

You take a step forward and then slap him across his face, not as hard as you could but hard enough to sting his skin. It’s easier to be mad at him, it’s the only emotion you can process right now. You don't want to feel the hurt, the sadness, the love you have deep down for him, the pain of being left behind and forgotten.

“How dare you,” you say, voice weak and lip quivering.

“Y/n please let me explain myself, I never meant to hurt you.”

“Hurt me? You have done more than hurt me.”

“I didn't know!” He whines, keeping his distance from you.

“You didn't know? Yes, you are right, you didn't know that you got me pregnant, you didn’t know you had a daughter, you’re right Remus. But you did know that I had a crush on you, that I had never been with anybody else, you knew I would have been alone after our friends died, you knowingly let me grieve for them all alone, you knew I was alive somewhere and you never once tried to find me, even just to be a friend. You may be innocent in some ways but in others, you’re not, and how can I forgive you for that without losing all of my self-worth.”

He sighs deeply, feeling defeated. ‘I know, I know I fucked up and I don't know if I can fix it or what to do but I found out you were here and even if you just stand there and tell me you hate me, I had to come to see you.”

The sadness in his voice breaks your heart a little, and you don't want to feel bad for him, but you also don't want your neighbours seeing you yelling at some man outside so you turn abruptly walking inside and leaving the door open. He hesitantly comes inside.

There are pictures of Hope on the walls, her artwork. There are pictures of James and Lily, ones with Peter and even Sirius is in the back of one but none of Remus.

“You never told her.”

“I was hoping you would come back and tell her yourself.”

“I’d like to. If you will let me.”

“Of course I will, just because I lost you, just because you don't want me doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve you in her life.”

“Don’t say it like that. Like I left because I didn’t want you.”

“What else am I supposed to think?” You yell loudly, scaring yourself as you sit down, gesturing to the opposite couch for him to sit on.

“I planned to stay that morning, I told myself that if you hadn’t left when I woke up that we would eat breakfast and I would tell you how I felt and even tell you about the worst parts of me, but I didn’t get the chance, I woke up and instantly found out the news, I ran out the door, I panicked I had to get out of there, do something. I hadn’t even thought about you at that moment and I'm sorry.”

You had no words to say to him other than words of forgiveness so easily threatening to spill from your sorry pathetic lips, it was so easy to forgive him and you didn't want to just yet so you stayed silent, letting him continue talking.

“After James and Lily died I didn't know what to do, I went into a dark place and hid away from everybody, you were never supposed to be a casualty, Hope was never supposed to be one either I just didn't know, I never in my wildest dreams could have thought of that happening. I had never been with anybody else I didn't know what I was doing.”

“I thought you lied about that part.” You admit and he frowns deeper.

“Why would I lie about that?” He asks, clearly offended.

“I don't know, to get me to sleep with you.”

“Oh because that's such an appealing trait, Y/n please fuck me I'm a dumb clueless virgin. Works on all the girls really.”

“Stop it!” You yell as you hide your face, “Don't make me laugh I'm mad at you.”

“I'm just being honest here,” he says as he stares at your face the trace of a smile gone after a second. “Y/n you are the only girl I have ever even thought about being with, the only girl I've ever had feelings for and I felt so worthless without my friends, I was sure there was no way you actually wanted me so I ran.”

“Oh, so when I slept with you that made it very clear that I didn't want you, when I was so obviously crushing on you for years that was a key indicator that I wanted nothing to do with you! All you do is make me feel like an absolute fool Remus! You left me for years, no letters, no calls and I still want you.” You admit and instantly regret it.

“You don't hate me?” He asks standing up and quickly trying to move closer to you.

“I hate that I don't hate you, I hate what you did but I have so much faith in you, that you can fix this.”

“Please, please let me try I’ll do everything I can do. Just give me the chance to fix this, to fix this relationship we never got a chance to try and also to fix things with Hope, I just need one chance I won’t mess it up,” he pleads with you as tears fill his eyes and it breaks your heart to see him begging you, you never imagined him coming back would be like this. And you're weak for him, oh so weak and you just want to hold him again, so you wrap your arms around him and pull him close hugging him tightly.

“Okay,” you whisper and by the time you release him from the hug you hear the door open. Four kids barge into the house and freeze when they see who is there.

“Mum? What is Mr. Lupin doing here?”

“It’s Professor Lupin, Hope. Not Mr.” Hermione corrects her and Ron and Harry just stand there confused.

“Uhm Hope, I need to talk to you, can your friends go back to the village and I'll walk you back over thereafter?” You ask her but she looks confused and she’s stubborn so she won’t let it go that easily.

“No, tell me what Mr. Lupin’s doing here!”

“Professor,” Hermione whispers and Hope glares at her, now not being the time to be corrected.

“I'm not really sure how to say this but-” You pause and Hermione's brain is working so fast that she realizes it before anyone else and interrupts you.

“Professor Lupin is your dad, isn’t he?”

“What no?” Hope argues, “I don't know who my dad is.”

“I never told you because I hoped one day he could tell you himself, I was honest when I said I hadn't seen him in years, that I couldn’t find him, I never imagined he would become a professor at Hogwarts. I never meant for it to be like this.” You try to explain, lost for words at the entire bizarre situation.

“I don’t believe this. You are missing for years, my whole life and then just like that you come back? That’s not fair.” She says crossing her arms. Her friends stand behind her, ready to do whatever she asks of them, whether it be staying and having her back or leaving her alone.

“Hope you can’t begin to understand how sorry I am, how much I will regret my past for the rest of my life, if I had known you existed I would have been here. I wasn't trying to hide from you or run away, I didn’t know.”

“One simple excuse doesn't make up for years of absence!” She yells and Hermione holds her arm, a soft comfort.

“I'm aware of that, but if you’ll let me I’d like to make it up to you,” he offers.

“What about my mum, you left her alone, regardless of whether I existed or not, how can I forgive you for doing that to her.”

“Hope, that's something me and your father will have to work out, you don't need to worry about that, I promise you if I didn't want him in your life and if I didn't trust him he wouldn't be here.”

“So just because you trust him, I'm supposed to too?”

“No honey, of course not, it will take a lot of time to become a normal family, It takes time to build love and trust I know that. Why don't you guys come in, eat some cookies and tell me about how your classes are going.” You offer the kids and as much as Ron wants homemade cookies, he waits with the others for you to decide.

“Okay,” Hope says finally agreeing to work on this. She walks over and grabs two cookies, shoving them in her mouth and taking a seat right beside Remus. Its something he doesn't expect and he freezes a little, you can tell he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know how to be a father. You grab his hand to reassure him.

“I guess I’ll be in your class next semester.” She mumbles as crumbs of cookie tumble from her mouth.

“I’ll be sure not to play favourites then.” he teases as he too takes a cookie before Ron and Harry eat all of them.

“No!” She yells playfully, “you better play favourites that's the whole point!”

“Noted,” Remus says with a smile and your heart feels so full, seeing them interact, having him back in your life no matter what type of relationship it ends up being you’re just grateful he's here and he is okay.

HP TAGLIST: @fortisfiliae​​ @bluemadcnna​​ @theboywhocriedlupin​​ @mayakblack​​ @viper-official​​ @southsidesarcasticwriter​​ ​ @hermionie-is-my-queen​​ @brighteyedmichelle​​ @rebelspacequeen​​ @behobiful​​ @pheonix-nin​​ @remilupin22​​ @mottergirl99​

EVERYTHING TAGLIST: @siriuslyimmoony​​ @carolinesbookworld​​ @jordan-ia​​ @theseuscmander​​ @teenwolftimelord​​ @celestial-vomit​​ @insertagoodname​​ @simonsbluee​

[gumnut-logic]

We’ll Be Home For Christmas 5.1

Title: We’ll be home for Christmas

Day Five – Here on Tracy Island – Part 1 Prologue | 1.1 | 1.2 | 2.1 | 2.2 | 2.3 | 3.1 | 3.2 | 3.3 | 3.4 | 3.5 | 4.1 | 4.2 | 4.3 | 4.4 | 4.5 | 4.6 | 5.1

Author: Gumnut

20 Jun 2020

Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS

Rating: Teen

Summary: The boys can’t fly home for Christmas, so they have to find another way.

Word count: 3313

Spoilers & warnings: language and so, so much fluff. Science!Gordon. Artist!Virgil, Minor various ships, mostly background.

Timeline: Christmas Season 3, I have also kinda ignored the main storyline of Season 3. The boys needed a break, so I gave them one. Post season 3B, before Season 3C cos I started this fic before we saw it.

Author’s note: For @scattergraph​​​​​. This is my 2019 TAG Secret Santa fic :D

No, I haven’t forgotten about this fic, and yes, it hit the six month mark about two weeks ago. I started writing this 8 Dec 2019. I’m nearly there.

Landmark, though. It is now officially my longest Thunderbirds fic, overtaking Gentle Rain today at around 60,000 words, depending on which word processing program it is sitting in. Never expected it to be this long.

This chapter pretty much wrote itself. It is almost like a role call of the five brothers and their states of mind. So a little bit of all the bros in this. I hope you enjoy.

Many thanks to @i-am-chidorixblossom​​​ @scribbles97​​​​​ and @onereyofstarlight​​​​​ for reading through various bits, fielding my many wibblies, and for all their wonderful support.

Disclaimer: Mine? You’ve got to be kidding. Money? Don’t have any, don’t bother.

-o-o-o-

Day Five: Here on Tracy Island

Virgil woke late the next morning. It was a pleasant awakening, slipping from deep sleep to doze to a peaceful warmth beneath the covers. His room was dark. Darker than his cabin on A Little Lightning and with decidedly less sway.

He lay there for a while, enjoying the lack of need to get up and do anything and the absence of pain. He had slept the sleep of the dead and was thoroughly rested. There was something to be said about sleeping in your own bed at home that no holiday anywhere could provide.

But honestly, he wasn’t one to sit and do nothing for long, his brain kicking into gear while he lay there, listing off things waiting to be done. A visit to Two to reassure himself she had been checked over and was ready should she be needed. Not that he didn’t trust his family, it was just for his own peace of mind.

He should be able to get away with it so long as he didn’t spend too much time down there.

It took him a full half an hour of random rumination to realise that it was Christmas Day.

Oh shit.

The clock said eleven am.

His family...

He sat up abruptly and was thoroughly reminded of how stupid such a move was.

Oh, for the love of...

He grunted and rolled over until his face was smothered in his pillow.

The medic in his brain listed off the reasons why he shouldn’t have done that and why he needed to be careful and, goddamnit, he was sick of this. It was only an appendix, for crying out loud.

Stupid surgery.

That could have been so much worse.

He was being a spoilt child.

He let out a breath into his pillow, its warmth wrapping around his face. Another week and he would be fine.

But now, it was eleven oh five on Christmas morning and he was holding his family up.

He clambered out of bed with minimal complaint from his body, into the shower, a shave and into his familiar red flannel, jeans and boots.

It was such a comfort to be home.

He blow-dried his hair, gelled it up and made himself presentable.

The man who stared at him from his bathroom mirror was one appendix less and a whole pile of experience more.

He hummed to himself, tasting the notes in his throat. He could feel the soft whale skin under his fingertips, hear the lap of the water, the breeze in his hair...

And the music.

His eyes were closed without permission, the imagery taking over his mind. His fingers tapped against the bathroom vanity marking out the beat and rhythm of what he was trying to say, the pictures warping into abstract and lack of understanding.

Salty and long spoken, the notes repeated.

He didn’t know how long he stood there under the bathroom light, eyes seeing another world somewhere below the ocean surface.

By the time he shook off the haze it was eleven forty-five.

Almost lunchtime.

Alan would be foaming at the bit.

He pushed himself away from the sink and killed the light. Walking carefully across his room, he shook himself, rolling his shoulders. Get it together, Virgil. Your family is waiting for you.

Out through the door, down the corridor and, screw the stairs, he was taking the elevator.

It swallowed him whole.

-o-o-o-

Gordon had been up since before the sun. It was a sign that he was home. A session in the pool brought familiarity into the equation. There was definitely a difference between swimming in the pool versus the ocean and it had nothing to do with water salinity.

The ocean was beautiful and he adored it. But the pool sported no threat, no need to monitor his surroundings beyond the presence of a mischievous brother or two, leaving him to be able to focus on his stroke and let his mind wander.

The pleasant warmth of well used muscles pulling him forward through the water, simple thought processing...and considering the last few days, there were a lot of thoughts awaiting examination.

Some he had managed while piloting A Little Lightning on the home stretch, but there were still more needing answers and tactical decisions.

Sam. Mel. Scott. John. Virgil.

As far as he knew, Scott was still planning on inviting the neighbours over today. That would place Sam within reach of the apparently resistant Virgil.

He understood where both men were coming from. Virgil needed time and Sam was just a ball of eager energy.

Gordon was stuck between the two.

Push came to shove, he would side with Virgil regardless. He had too. But he really didn’t want to be divisive. If Virgil would talk just a little, it would help not only Sam and himself, but it might assuage the ball of worried energy that was Scott.

His arms sliced through water until he reached the end of the lane, his body automatically flipping and turning into the push off surge in the opposite direction. Air, splash and his hands slicing through the water again.

Okay, he would admit that he was worried himself. At first it was just amazing. His brother could sing to whales! A breakthrough. But yesterday he witnessed exactly how spaced Virgil became when singing and everything screamed wary. Humpback whales were beautiful creatures, but so big and so possibly unintentionally dangerous.

He couldn’t let Virgil anywhere near a whale alone. It just wasn’t safe. There was so much they didn’t know and the urge to protect his gentle brother just swelled in his heart.

They needed to investigate further. Find out exactly what was going on. Make sure his brother was safe. That it didn’t affect any water rescues.

They couldn’t afford to have Virgil spacing out in the ocean at random. As it was, Gordon wasn’t going to let Virgil anywhere near the ocean during rescues for the foreseeable future. He could stay up in Two.

Safe.

Whale song could travel around the globe.

His native realm had become a hazard for his big brother and that was unacceptable.

They had to find out what was going on.

John and Eos had made a good start, but Sam and himself needed to investigate further and soon.

Virgil needed to cooperate for his own safety.

Gordon broke his stroke, pushed himself to the side of the pool and rested his head on the concrete a moment, letting his body float randomly.

Blood pumped through his ears, his heart still running at exercise rate.

He needed to convince Virgil.

Somehow.

-o-o-o-

Scott revelled in the early dawn light. His feet pounded on his wonderfully familiar route around the Island. A trek he hadn’t laid eyes on for a week.

His runners crunched volcanic gravel beneath them.

The sun was just rising on Christmas Day, the beautiful weather hanging strong, the sea a stretch of glass disappearing off into the horizon. His current trajectory pointed him directly south where he knew beyond the glass lay Raoul Island. A single spot in a sea of blue, so similar to the even tinier spot that was Tracy Island.

Same sea of blue.

A pokey tree appeared on the side of the track, its red flowers quite glorious in the morning sun, and he found himself grinning. Sure, he knew the correct name of the pōhutukawa tree, but Alan’s name was so much easier to pronounce and it made Mel laugh.

His legs took the strain as he jogged up the rapidly steepening trail.

If he was honest with himself, the whole no strings attached thing was a lie. He found himself thinking about the woman more the longer they were away from Raoul.

And they only left yesterday.

As soon as the sun was high enough in the sky to be polite, he would be contacting Raoul with his invitation to her, Sam and Liam. It wasn’t the only time he had invited people to the Island, they weren’t entirely hermits, but it was rare and the first time in a long time.

And he was so looking forward to it.

Penny and Parker were due after breakfast as was the tradition. As soon as everyone was awake, they would have their present opening party, always a major family event. More for the company and laughter than the presents themselves.

He could almost hear Gordon declaring it ‘Tracy style’ complete with the arm movements to compliment the claim.

But Mel...it was like he was excited to show her the Island, perhaps because he knew she would be very interested in the ecosystem that had developed here since their father had begun repairing it over a decade ago.

And he was staring at it right now as he followed the path around the back of the Island. Pokey trees, palms and ferns were everywhere a foothold was available. Scott knew very little about their ecosystem beyond the need to keep it safe. Gordon and Virgil were the ones who knew most about it among the brothers. Gordon focussed on the sea and Virgil sometimes helped out with animal numbers and photography for the scientific group.

But Mel hadn’t been here since Dad...

He grunted and hurdled a rock he hurdled every morning as the slope inverted and started heading down. The view was stunning.

Despite the glass of the ocean, the swell still crashed on the back cliffs of the Island, jagged volcanic rock resistant to the relentless pounding.

Hopefully she would consent to the visit even though it was late notice.

He did have a Thunderbird, after all.

-o-o-o-

John hadn’t slept much. He never did when something was on his mind. His everything drove him to find a solution, particularly when a brother was involved.

Eos never slept, so she was the perfect insomnia companion.

There was also the factor that he was home, but he really wasn’t.

He was missing Five.

Now he was back on the Island, everything was screaming at him to go home.

Not that he didn’t like the Island, quite the opposite. The Island contained his brothers, his grandmother, Kayo, his family and he adored his family.

But the stars were calling to him. His body ached to feel the release from gravity. He wanted his home.

He ignored it.

His body needed gravity. It was an undeniable fact. It had evolved under the pressure exerted by the planet and while his mind adored the stars and the lack of gravity, nature demanded its return under the ‘use it or lose it’ mandate of life on Earth.

So, tired, but awake anyway as the sun hit the front of the villa, John made his way down to the pool where he found Gordon, as expected, in the water, but unexpectedly, not swimming. His head was lying on one arm at the edge of the pool, his body floating lazily behind.

John dropped his towel on a lounger and, bare footed to the edge next to his brother. Folding himself into a seated position he dropped his feet to dangle in the cool water.

“Gordon?”

“Hmm?” His head rose a little blearily. “Oh, John, hey.”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Huh? What, oh, Merry Christmas, John.”

A frown. “You okay?”

Gordon flexed his shoulders. “Yeah, just thinking.”

“Virgil?”

“Yeah.”

John sighed. “Same. But you do know he’s okay?”

“Yeah, just thinking it through.”

John pushed himself into the water and couldn’t help a relieved sigh as the water took away so many of the effects of gravity, cradling his body. “Swim with me?”

Brown eyes turned to him and John saw a reflection of his own worry in their depths. “Sure.” Gordon pushed off from the edge, his movements graceful despite his distraction.

John moved to the lane next to Gordon’s preferred and lined up beside his fish brother. Gordon shot him a brief but grateful smile before pushing off the end in a careless surge into stroke. He was metres ahead before John had even shifted into form.

Typical.

Show off.

But he couldn’t help but smile as he pushed off the edge himself, automatically moving into a strong but leisurely stroke in warm up.

Swimming denied verbal communication, but it wasn’t needed, the two of them just keeping each other company.

By the fifth lap, John started pushing himself, putting his body through the exercise needed to keep it healthy. He had no delusions of keeping up with Gordon. He just paced himself as his body needed it. Twenty laps in, he eased up a little and checked on his brother.

Gordon was still going. John brought himself to a halt, treading water, muscles pleasantly buzzing.

“Hey, John.” The astronaut startled, turning in place to find Scott standing on the edge of the pool. His running gear appeared well used, sweat stains prominent, and he was still breathing heavily. “Just letting you know that I’m going to be taking One out in about half an hour.”

“You going to get Mel and Sam?” Gordon was suddenly beside him. It was a sign of how tired John actually was that his younger brother startled him almost as much as Scott had a moment earlier.

“Yeah.”

“Can I come with?”

“Don’t you want to be here for when Penny arrives?”

John arched an eyebrow in Gordon’s direction. The fish had been looking forward to Christmas for that very reason. Before Virgil’s illness, it had been Penelope this, Penelope that. Apparently, he had the ‘best’ gift lined up for their first Christmas as a couple. Whether or not that was still going ahead considering recent events, John had no idea. Gordon hadn’t mentioned it since Virgil fell ill.

“I thought you had the fastest plane on the planet, Scotty.”

Their eldest brother snorted. “Plane, yes, younger brother, no.”

“Hey, I can be fast.” A strawberry blond frown. “Regardless, I need to speak to Sam.”

Scott eyed him a moment. “Virgil?”

Gordon sighed. “Yeah, Virgil. Gotta handle this delicately.”

Scott’s lips thinned. “Okay, then you better be ready in thirty because that’s when I’m leaving.”

The fish was already climbing out of the pool. Wet footprints marked the concrete as he strode to his towel.

Blue eyes turned to John. “You okay? You look tired.”

John let water run through his fingers. “I am, but I’ll live.”

Voice quiet. “Virgil?”

A single nod, voice equally quiet. “Virgil. Eos, Gordon and I will work it out. We just need time.” And patience. Admittedly, he didn’t have much of that where his brothers’ health was concerned. He could fake it, but it didn’t mean he felt it.

Scott’s expression was thoughtful. “I know you will do your best. Don’t forget to look after yourself.”

A groan. This was why Virgil was always adamant that he was fine. I single hint of something wrong and their biggest brother was all over them, his concern obvious. “I’m fine, Scott.”

That earned him a grunt and John actually struggled not to smile at his brother’s exasperation. John swam to the pool edge and pushed himself out of the water. A wave in the direction of the rising sun’s reflection. “The pool is all yours, dear brother.”

Scott eyed him. “Thank you.”

The morning breeze cooled John enough to raise goose pimples on his arms. Before he could reach for his towel, Scott was handing it to him.

Ever the big brother. It was John’s turn to eye him back. “Thank you.”

Scott smiled at him, a definite smirk on those lips. He knew exactly what John was thinking and had likely done it on purpose. “Anytime.”

Hmmm. “Merry Christmas, Scott.”

Those blue eyes widened as his big brother obviously realised that despite all the preparations underway, despite the tree they had stacked with presents the night before, he had still managed to forget the significance of the day.

It was John’s turn to smirk.

But Scott recovered quickly, tilting his head, a small smile on his lips. “Merry Christmas, John.”

With that he turned and headed off into the house.

-o-o-o-

Alan loved to sleep in. He shared this love with his second eldest brother. Getting up early sucked big time and he had no coffee addiction to help him.

But there was one day of the year when you could witness the youngest Tracy out of bed, while not early, at least a decent time where breakfast could still be called breakfast and not lunch or even brunch.

Christmas Day.

Alan adored the day. Presents, food and family, what more could a guy ask for?

So, eight am found him stumbling down the stairs to the kitchen in search of the second and third items on the list. He found Grandma at the kitchen table eating her fruit and yoghurt.

Alan made no effort to be quiet, but she didn’t appear to realise he was there, staring out across the lagoon. “Grandma?”

She dropped her spoon with a clatter as it hit the bowl. “Alan!” She clutched her hand to her chest, gasping. “You frightened me. Gave my old heart a kick in the pants.”

“Sorry, Grandma. Are you okay?”

“This time. Though I wouldn’t recommend doing it too often.” She held out an arm. “C’mere and give me a Christmas hug.”

Now that was something he was quite happy to do. Grandma hugs were always appreciated. “Merry Christmas, Grandma.” He held her tight.

“Merry Christmas, honey. Are you hungry?”

Uh, that was always a loaded question and there were important indicators related to that. “Where is everyone?” He had expected to find at least John down here. His space brother would eat his breakfast staring out into the lagoon and follow it with work on his tablet just to be around family in his own way. But not today.

“Scott and Gordon have gone to Raoul to collect Ms Fisher and that scientist friend of Gordon’s.”

“Sam?”

“I guess. They were both in quite a hurry to leave.”

That set Alan grinning. “I think Scott likes Mel.”

An arched eyebrow. “I thought she liked Virgil.”

A snort accompanied the grin. “I don’t think she is Virgil’s kind of girl.”

Of course, that was the very moment Kayo decided to enter the kitchen. She had obviously been on a run, dressed in shorts and a high cut top.

“Who’s Virgil’s kind of girl?”

Alan’s eyes widened. “Um.”

Green narrowed at him. “What are you up to, Alan?”

“Nothing!” He held out his hands. “What did I do?”

“I’m more concerned with what you are going to do.”

“Suspicious, much? I’m going to eat breakfast, that’s what.”

She continued to eye him. “No practical jokes today.”

“I wasn’t planning on it. Gee, you’d think I was Gordy or something.”

“Gordon will be contained by Lady Penelope. You, however, are not.”

“And what? That makes me some kind of prank genius?”

“Genius, no, annoyance, yes.”

“Hey, Merry Christmas, Kayo. How about a little of the spirit?”

She glared and him and grunted before turning away and stalking off.

“What’s up her skirt?”

“Alan!”

“Well, you saw her. I didn’t do anything!”

Grandma was quiet a moment. “She has things on her mind.”

“When doesn’t she?”

“Let her be.”

“I didn’t do anything!”

Grandma sighed. “Things will work themselves out for the best.”

Alan stared at his grandmother. What on Earth was going on? Did everyone know something that he didn’t. He sighed. Wouldn’t be the first time. “I’m going grab some breakfast.”

“Yes, dear.” And Grandma was staring out at the lagoon again.

What the-?

Alan grabbed the refrigerator door and flung it open, his eyes raking its contents. Perhaps food would fix things.

A glance at Grandma found that she hadn’t moved.

There was definitely something going on.

-o-o-o-

End Day 5 Part 1

[drunkkenobi]

Hey there demons, it’s me, ya spreadsheet gremlin

So, it hasn’t quite been 6 months since I last posted about my crazy spreadsheet of BuzzFeed Unsolved viewcounts, but it has been just about a year since I first wrote all of them down (although with not exact counts for episodes that had 10+ million views because I didn’t realize YouTube rounded down on those unless you clicked specifically to open the count). And with the new season of True Crime premiering Friday (!) I thought this was a good time to see what’s changed in the past 5-ish months. (PS please subscribe to Watcher)

As before, here are some notes before I get into the cold, hard numbers.

I’m not a stats expert at all. I just like data and trying to understand YouTube. (I still do not). Also, like last time I posted about this, I am not included the newest season of BFU (Supernatural s6 along with the Dorothy Arnold special) as part of this initial data set, as it was airing when I last posted. I did add those numbers in to see and they do skew the data somewhat significantly.

The newest episode included for this part of the post is The Curse of Annabelle the Doll, aired June 28, 2019.

Since September 30, 2019, the following happened with BuzzFeed Unsolved’s viewcounts:

3 Cases of Ghosts and Demons became their most watched episode ever over The Bizarre Case of Elisa Lam. It currently has 22.2 million views. I’m so thrilled that the quintessential BFU episode is now their most viewed. No offense to Elisa Lam, but a non-Shane episode being at the top always bugged me. Ryan screaming at Sallie House while Shane laughs at him is what made the show into what we all know and love.

Supernatural episodes were watched an average of 1.48 million times.

True Crime episodes were watched an average or 1.03 million times.

This is a lot more statistically different than when I did this 5 months ago. (SPN averaged 1.48 million again and TC had 1.23) I wonder if it’s because October is spooky season and more people watch the SPN episodes then? Or if people just weren’t in a big TC mood since only one new TC episode aired in that time.

Overall, the average episode was watched 1.25 million times. There are 90 used for these averages and 97 episodes overall. We’re hitting 100 soon, baby! 

The most watched episodes were the following: 3 Cases (3.1), The Exorcism of Anneliese (2.6) and Goatman’s Bridge (2.4). Hannah’s House also continued its strong showing. With 12.2 million views, it is now their 16th most watched episode. Only one other post-BUN episode has 10+ million views, Alcatraz (10.3).

The lowest view count gains were all season one episodes: Black Dahlia, Michelle Von Emster, Somerton Man, Dyatlov Pass, and Hinterkaifeck all with .3 million.

Now 31 episodes have 10 million or more views, compared to 22 last fall.

As for March 10, 2020, these are the 11 most watched episodes of BuzzFeed Unsolved: 3 Cases of Ghosts and Demons (22.2), The Bizarre Case of Elisa Lam (21.6), The Exorcism of Anneliese Michel (20),  The Illuminati (19.5), DB Cooper (15.4), Men in Black (14.9), Goatman’s Bridge (14.8), The Axeman (13.8), Queen Mary (13.5), and Waverly Hills and JFK (both 13.3).

Now, some stats on the newer episodes:

7 episodes of BFU aired starting September 20, 2019. They were watched an average of 4.16 million times. There wasn’t a huge breakout episode of this group, although The Haunting of Loey Lane does have the most views (5.2) so I would not be surprised if we get another house call episode in Supernatural season 7 this fall.

As of March 10, 2020, these are the 9 least watched episodes of BFU. Like before, they’re mostly newer. Also, I’m only doing 9 because 4 are tied for the 10th spot: Tombstone (4.7), Yuma Prison (4.4), Old City Jail (4.3), Pentagon UFOs (4.2), Bugsy Siegel (4.2), Area 51 (4.1), St. Augustine Lighthouse (4), Viper Room (3.4), and USS Yorktown (3.3). 

Including all aired episodes, the average episode of BFU has been watched 8.81 million times.

Supernatural has averaged 9.03 million views while True Crime averaged 8.57 million views. I do think we can pretty much say that Supernatural is more popular than True Crime, but only slightly. 

Once again, I have no idea what is considered successful in terms of YouTube. This is especially true now that I’m covering Watcher’s viewcounts as well. I truly don’t know what it takes for any show to cover the budget and make a profit. My hunch is that BFU does well, but maybe not great compared to other popular YouTubers (like the Try Guys for a close comparison) but they have a stronger and more passionate fanbase who buys more merch, makes memes, and does things like subscribe to their new channel’s Patreon in droves. Watcher’s viewcounts are much lower so far, but I am very interested to see what happens once True Crime starts airing this Friday. I’m sure BuzzFeed won’t allow them to plug Watcher during the proper episode (I’m less sure during the PostMortems but we’ll see), but with fans promoting Watcher in the comments, it might do a lot to see their subscriber and viewcounts go up. Watcher did get a small bump when the BFU season 6 bloopers came out last week, so I hope that will continue.

Finally, I was going to do some nearly-a-year stats but the math of whether to include newer episodes confused me so I am forgoing that for now. If you want to figure that out, here is my spreadsheet. 

If you have any questions, hit me up! Also, if you can explain YouTube to me, that would be great.

[letterboxd]

Greater Lovers: The Céline Sciamma Q&A.

“It’s a new narrative of love.” On the eve of its Valentine’s Day wide release, Dominic Corry puts your questions to the writer and director of our highest-rated romance film of the decade, Portrait of a Lady on Fire.

Few films have more hearts beating on Letterboxd lately than Céline Sciamma’s Portrait of a Lady on Fire, which has a 4.4 average rating, was second only to Parasite as the highest-rated feature film of 2019, and holds the number one position on our official Top 100 Narrative Feature Films by Women Directors.

“This is one of the most emotionally intense viewing experiences I’ve had in a while, so I’m not ready to sum it up with a neat and tidy star rating,” wrote Trudie. “My body is still visibly shaken… yearning personified,” said Lucy. “I’m going to think about those last fifteen minutes for the rest of my life,” swooned Stephanie, speaking for us all.

Starring Noémie Merlant and Adèle Haenel, the film had a short Oscar-qualifying run in American theaters at the end of last year, and although it was criminally overlooked by the Academy (it was not France’s submission for International Feature, though it is up for ten Césars), it’s finally going wide on American screens on Valentine’s Day.

As a giant fan, it was a huge honor to personally convey all the Letterboxd love for Portrait of a Lady on Fire to Sciamma, and to take with me several of your questions. (Lucy, we read your entire comment to her: “I just wanted to thank Céline for Portrait of a Lady on Fire. It holds a very special place in my heart now and is my favorite film of the decade. I’m truly, eternally grateful.”)

Spoiler warning: several questions reference the nature of the film’s ending, without getting into specifics. And a warning for easy fainters: Kristen Stewart may have been brought up during this interview; and Céline has been reading your Letterboxd reviews.

Adèle Haenel (left) and Noémie Merlant in ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’.

What would you like to say to your Letterboxd fans who have fallen so completely in love with your film? Céline Sciamma: Well thank you! No, but really. Because what touched me the most is the fact that people will write about films. And that’s the beauty of this digital era. I’m paying a lot of attention about what’s going on around the film, what is being said. I’m really looking at things, so I’ve seen a lot of Letterboxd [reviews]. And I’ve seen that Letterboxd, at some point, used the emoji thing, which was really, really beautiful and fun [Sciamma is referring to the fire and picture frame emoji we added to our Twitter name at the time of the film’s release last year].

And the fact that people who were touched by the film would take the time to write about it, I think it’s something really beautiful, especially with this film, which is about how love is an education to art. Because art consoles from love, or makes us greater lovers. I find it beautiful that people would express their feelings and put their heart and their mind into cinema. As a young cinephile there was no internet, and I remember writing, just only for myself in little diaries, about film. And so I found it really, really important.

There’s one question we like to ask every filmmaker we speak to: what is the film that made you want to become a filmmaker? Well, the film that made me understand filmmaking, mise-en-scène, was The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. Jacques Demy, as a director, his films in France, we see them when we are very young; he made Peau d’âne, which is a film that is shown to kids. He is such a great director. Definitely as a young kid—I was twelve years old—I found out that, okay, there’s somebody behind this with a vision. Somebody would paint a city like in Les Demoiselles de Rochefort. Somebody would paint a wall to make it sing the vision of somebody.

And when discovering mise-en-scène—the fact that there was a director, a vision of somebody—it really blew my mind. I remember I fell in love with the idea of cinema. So, you know, it’s not one film that makes you want to be a director. There are some films that connect you to the idea of cinema and vision and just make you crave for this idea.

Before this interview, we asked our community to submit questions for you. The first is from Letterboxd member ‘I’, who wants to know if you were inspired by any movie in the process of making Portrait of a Lady on Fire. When I’m writing a film, or just even just going with the idea of starting to dream about a film, I don’t watch films anymore, because it’s a very fragile moment. I’m trying to be candid and I’m trying to create this prototype and not to begin being in dialogue with the history of cinema.

But then when the script is done, and especially when we are talking with the team, with the DP, there are some films that can come up in the discussion. “Okay, we should we should take a look at that,” regarding one specific issue. For instance, with Portrait of a Lady on Fire, regarding the lighting, there was this idea, I mean you could definitely look at all the period-piece films and be like, “What about the candles? Are they in the frame? Are there a lot of candles? Are they on chandeliers? Or are they held?”

So, I’m thinking about that, this issue of the light in the candles. Night. Day. So me and [cinematographer] Claire Mathon, we had that discussion. So Kubrick, Barry Lyndon, we watched obviously.

And also at that moment I’m trying to watch, not specifically films that seem to be related, but films that give me faith in cinema. For instance, Jeanne Dielman by Chantal Akerman, which is such a radical film. I’m trying to get radical positions that have nothing to do with the film, subject-wise, but of people who firmly believed in the language of cinema, and were radical about it. I’m trying to watch radical films that renew your faith in cinema. I mean, they’re major pieces of art, but just give this feeling that you can be radical, you can be bold, and to get this excitement about, really, the language of cinema.

Many of our members are writing that Portrait of a Lady on Fire is the most romantic film ever made, and one of the best expressions of female desire ever put on screen. What’s the most romantic film you’ve ever seen? You know, it’s weird because when I think about it… film is emotional right? A lot of the things that come to my mind are films that are not necessarily pure love stories. This is gonna sound stupid, but E.T., for instance, is a great love story. This is a great love story for me, and one of the greatest endings in terms of how a relationship ends: E.T. has this idea that the breakup between the two characters is… they want the same thing. And that’s why they’re breaking up, because one is saying “come” and one is saying “stay”, which I think is the most heartbreaking breakup, not being a breakup.

I think there might be a new contender for most heartbreaking breakup. The ending of it is really climaxing. Because when we watch love stories, it’s harder, the frozen image of two people leaving in a car, you know, marriage, whatever. Like the romantic-comedy ending where they end up together, then that’s the end. Eternal possession as a promise of fulfilment. Or, it’s the tragic ending, where they will never [be together]. And I really tried to find another way [in Portrait of a Lady on Fire], like in E.T. you know, it’s two people saying “I love you” but not being together. It’s a new narrative of love.

So I’m always trying also to think about forms. Mulholland Drive is a film that definitely was also an inspiration, because it’s a film that creates its storytelling around an idea of love. Everybody said: “Oh this film is so hard to get”. [But] it’s really simple. It’s like the first part is a dream of a story that has already happened. And so Lynch created this, screenwriting-wise, he created this idea that those two women, they meet and suddenly they’re in bed together and one says “I think I’m in love with you”, which means that Lynch is telling us that “I love you” is always something you say in the past. And with Portrait of a Lady on Fire, I was thinking I have to create a form where “I love you” is something that always has a future. So that’s the kind of dialogue I have with films that inspire me.

And also Titanic. It has kind of the same structure as Portrait of a Lady on Fire: the presence of a love story but the memory of a love story. And also, not being together even though there’s a tragic death. It’s a love story about emancipation. And that’s so much what we’re trying to tell: it’s not about whether you end up together, or you don’t. A good love story isn’t about that, it’s about: did it give you emancipation?

This last question is from Pauline: “How much do I need to pay you to hire Kristen Stewart—who has just said Portrait was her favorite movie of 2019 and that she has seen all of your movies—in your next project? I’m ready to write the check, just say a number.” Well no, it’s not about the money. But I met Kristen Stewart a few months ago. So I mean, it’s already a start. We talked about cinema, and, and I really enjoyed talking about cinema with her, so…

‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’ is in select US theaters now, and on wide release from 14 February. This interview took place in the English language and has had minor edits for clarity. With thanks to NEON, Cinetic Media and Ginsberg/Libby.

Related content

The Top 10 Cannes 2019 Premieres

The Top 100 Women Directors of the 2010s

The Top 100 Narrative Feature Films by Women Directors

[coochiequeens]

US — . With a recent announcement by Laverne Cox about the difficulty of being a transgender-identifying individual in a relationship with a man who claims heterosexuality, black women on social media are remembering late 2019. That July marked the start of the black transgender-identifying community’s clash with black women, when the former star of Orange is the New Black demanded black women “have conversations” with black men who are attracted to transgender individuals to prevent trans murders. Others, including a male celebrity, piled on demands that black women perceive black men with attractions to male trans individuals as straight and viable partners. At the height of the clash, activists targeted Black Girls Rock, condemning the annual show as trans-exclusionary.

On January 28, 2020, Cox was a virtual guest on the Ellen DeGeneres show, and revealed: “Laverne is in love again. It feels amazing. […] He’s a really great guy. I didn’t expect it.” According to the 48-year-old actor, this boyfriend, like the two prior ones, “has never dated a trans woman before.” The choice to keep this relationship out of the public eye was made by Cox, the actor said, but previous boyfriends were the driving force in keeping relationships secret: The womanhood of trans women is often disavowed. … A lot of people don’t see trans women as women. So, the men that are attracted to women, people think they are gay. And if you are a straight man, you don’t want people to think you’re gay. So a lot of the times they don’t want to disclose or want to let anyone know.

In a July 5, 2019 interview with Madame Noire, Cox urged black women to “prevent […] murders” of black males who identify as women by helping the men who slaughter them “interrogate their unconscious biases”: All the violence that’s happening against trans women, black cis women need to be having conversations with black cis men about their attraction to us without shaming cis black men. I’ve dated men in the past who’ve said, they would never tell a cis woman they date in the future that they dated a trans woman because they’ve been shamed before by cis women for being attracted to trans women.

Cox recounted the true story of a Latin Kings gang member who killed his black transgender teen paramour to hide the affair, because the gang forbids same-sex encounters. With homicide as the leading cause of death of women under 44, and black women as the number one victims, it is unclear why Cox believes that being recognized and treated as black women would protect males who self-identify as black women.

According to data from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, black women have a homicide rate of 4.4 per 100,000 women. Only indigenous American women come close, with a homicide rate of 4.3 per 100,000. Asian, Latina and white women are killed at the rates of 1.2, 1.8, and 1.5 per 100,000 respectively. 76.6% of murdered black women were in an intimate relationship with their killers. The likelihood of a black woman being murdered skyrockets while pregnant and within a year of giving birth.

“Around November, December” when Cox was first exchanging “I love yous” with a new beau, Black Femicide – US was counting the 48th black woman killed in November alone. By December 3, the organization counted 1,000 black women murdered in 2020.

Veronica Wells-Puoane wrote repeatedly in support of Cox’s position, including an article entitled, “How Cis Black Women Have Endangered Our Black Trans Sisters,” in which she called on black women to ensure “black and brown men” do not “feel like they are less of a man because they happen to be attracted to a trans woman.”........

Entitled men never cease coming up with ways to demand time and energy from women.

[baidar-oroq]

29-Paternal

(The Azim Steppe, the Sea of Blades, before the 4.4 MSQ.)

And it had started so well, Y’shtola thought. 

It had been a simple notion, one she had proposed to Baidar while she was researching aether in the region of Doma; go to the Steppe and visit, if they could find them, his family. Surely, she thought, his family would want to hear from their son, who had returned from afar to do nothing less than win the Nadaam and lead the Xaela into battle to liberate Doma. He had rarely spoken of his family, though she gathered that part of the reason he had left the Steppe was because he did not get along with his parents, but surely it could not be that bad? 

She quickly found out just how wrong she was. 

There had been the good fortune of encountering Kage’s tribe, his family, in Reunion, where Baidar had promised to take word to Kage that he was welcome to return. That had made Baidar happy enough that he had been in a good mood as they’d ridden the Steppe on a mare lent to them by the Malaguld, though she noticed that his mood darkened more the closer they came to where the Oroq should be at this time of year, and by the time they’d picked up the trail of the Oroq, he was quiet. She wondered if convincing him to return was a mistake, but the die was cast, and they’d have to see this through to the finish. 

She had borne the looks of the outriders of the Oroq that they finally encountered with good grace; she was, after all, an outlander in a land where fellow tribes were viewed with suspicion. That she was with Baidar should have helped, but she could tell that something was off with how the outriders greeted him, a sense of reserve that, again, made her feel she had made a mistake convincing him to return. 

Her worries briefly evaporated when an Oroq rode up on a stallion, whooping happily, and dismounting with grace to land next to Baidar. He’d wrapped up Baidar in a bear hug and shouted with delight “Baidar! Welcome back, my brother!” 

“Jagadai,” Baidar had grunted “those are my ribs, I kind of need those!”

“You’ll recover.” He had set Baidar down and regarded her with a smile that was so much like Baidar’s that she knew the two were related. “I see you brought company, Baidar.”

“Ahh. Yeah. Right. This is Y’shtola Rhul of the Scions of the Seventh Dawn, she’s, ahh…”

“Based on how much you’re blushing, Baidar, I can figure it out.” Jagadai had bowed deeply to her. “I am Jagadai son of Bujir, war leader of the Oroq. This blushing fool’s brother.” 

“He has told me of you, Jagadai.” she replied, trying not to smile at Baidar’s discomfort. “And yes, I am his lover.”

Baidar had turned deeply red as Jagadai had laughed, then had grown more serious. “You should have sent word ahead, brother, so we could have given you a welcome worthy of the khagan.”

Baidar had frowned, and Y’shtola had silenced him with a hand on his arm, since he was doubtlessly about to ask why Jagadai had called him that. To Baidar, his victory in the Nadaam had been for the Mol, and one of them was the khagan or khatun. He never seemed to understand how extraordinary he was as a Warrior of Light, she thought. “It is fine. This is purely a personal visit, after all,” she told Jagadai.

Jagadai had nodded, and ordered one of the outriders ahead to inform the tribe that Baidar had returned. He gave a Baidar a look and then said something in Xaelic, but Baidar shook his head. “Speak in common, please. I have no secrets with Y’shtola.”

“Ahh. Yes.” He climbed on his stallion and indicated that they should follow him. Baidar had helped Y’shtola onto the mare and then joined her with an ease that reminded her that he had spent a lot of his life on horseback. He rode up beside Jagadai who had sighed, then said “You know our parents will not take this well.”

“What have they taken well, when I did it?” Baidar had asked. She again regretted her choice to convince him to come, but they had to see it through. 

Their arrival at the camp had been better than expected. A great many Xaela, younger males largely, had cheered Baidar’s arrival, though of course she had gained a fair many stares, some of them clearly admiring. Jagadai had led them through the crowds to the largest yurt in the camp, stopping at the entrance. “Wait here,” he had said. “By now he has to know you’re back.”

“One would hope,” Baidar remarked. 

Y’shtola reached over and took his hand in hers. “I...have made a mistake, haven’t I? Convincing you to come see your family.”

Baidar’s grip, given how powerful he was, was gentle. “I did tell you that we didn’t get along, but I agreed to come. It was time to, anyway.”

Jagadai had returned in a few minutes, his expression stern. “You may go in now, but the...outlander, that is to say..”

“He said to leave her out here.” Baidar had shaken his head and stepped towards the tent opening. ‘Not happening. What’s he going to do, disapprove of me more?” Jagadai had briefly grinned at her as they’d entered, and she wondered what the family dynamic here truly was.

It had all gone downhill from there. 

Bujir and Ibakha were sitting on cushions at the rear of the yurt, both wearing expressions of barely veiled contempt, and Y’shtola knew she had indeed made a mistake. They don’t just disapprove of him leaving, she thought. They disapprove of him. They always have.

I am so sorry, Baidar, she thought.

The silence in the yurt grew to last almost half a minute before Baidar cleared his throat and said “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

“Baidar.” Bujir’s voice was deeper than Baidar’s, gruff and filled with gravel. “You leave the tribe for outlanders. You returned to the Steppe and, if word is true, fought in the Nadaam with the Mol to benefit outsiders. And you returned with an outlander on your arm. What were you expecting of the Oroq?”

“Dunno. “Hi, son. Hear you won the Nadaam. And who is this lovely woman?” 

Bujir’s glare grew, if anything, deeper. “This is the problem, my son. It has always been the problem. You do not know your place in this world. You never have. You want me to be proud of you for giving to the Mol what you did not give to the Oroq?”

Baidar’s shoulders dropped, and he looked at the ground, and in a moment of insight, Y’shtola understood why he’d let her convince him to come visit his family. Whatever the difficulty between them, whatever the problems, Baidar had hoped that he had finally done something worthy of their respect. 

And the hindbound fools had thrown it back in his face.

She stepped up between Baidar and Bujir, her expression one of such contempt that it dwarfed Bujir’s. “He does not know his place? That is your answer to him? Do you even know who your son is?” She pointed at him, anger filling her. “Do you know the place that is his? Your son, you misbegotten fool, is a Warrior of Light and a Scion of the Seventh Dawn. He is a hero. He has fought gods and monsters alike, he has liberated two nations from the Garlean Empire, and he is the victor of the Nadaam. He is your Khagan, the ruler of the Azim Steppe, respected and admired from Eorzea to Kugane.” 

She clenched her hands into fists that she struggled not to use on Bujir’s face as she continued. “He is your son, and the man he is could have benefited the Oroq, but you’ve chosen instead to cast him out and disapprove of him for spurious, ludicrous reasons, I expect. And I honestly don’t wish to know why you treat him like this, because I expect  that the reason is as small and petty as you clearly are. And I don’t expect you to care about what some outlander woman thinks of you, and in all honesty, I do not care for you at all. The only good thing you have ever done is give the world Baidar Oroq. That will be all you will ever be remembered for, Bujir of the Oroq. You gave the world a hero.” She turned on her heel and stormed out of the yurt. “You will never deserve him. Ever.”

She stood at the edge of the camp, looking upward into the night time sky at stars that she could not see anymore as the sun set, fury still filling her. For a time, she heard Baidar and Jagadai speaking, the two having left the yurt nearly on her heels, but they’d spoken Xaelic and she’d lost the thread quickly. She looked up into the sky, acknowledging that a lot of her fury was at herself. She had made a mistake, and had hurt Baidar, and it stung, being wrong that way. 

Presently, Y’shtola heard footsteps behind her, and Baidar was there, wrapping his arms around her. She leaned back against him and said “I owe you an apology.”

“No you don’t,” he told her, bending down to kiss her cheek. “I didn’t have to come. I could have told you more of how much my parents disapprove of me. I could have said no. But, I suppose…”

“You hoped.” She turned in his arms and looked up at him. “You hoped they would be better. That they could see who you are now and accept you.”

He nodded. “I hoped they would. I didn’t expect it, but, you know. Hope is the most important thing there is. Hope makes us better than they are.”

Y’shtola smiled. “You are a good man, Baidar. A better man than your father will ever be.”

Baidar nodded. “I figured that out a long time ago, Y’shtola. A very long time ago.”

(This writing takes place after some RP writing I did back in Stormblood with my partner, where Baidar and Y’shtola met some of Kage’s family. The conversation that Jagadai and Baidar have behind Y’shtola towards the end is another piece I wrote, which I will post once I fix it up to match the ongoing continuity of Baidar’s Steppe stories as posted here.)

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Welcome to Pollapalooza, our weekly polling roundup.

Poll of the week

Earlier this week, I looked at national surveys to see what’s behind Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s rise in the polls, but now let’s zoom in on the early primary states — Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina — to see what’s happening there.

This week we have a new Fox News poll of South Carolina that shows former Vice President Joe Biden still retains a formidable lead there at 41 percent (Warren was in second at 12 percent) despite Warren’s gains at the national level. In Iowa and New Hampshire, recent surveys more closely mirror the overall national picture — Warren has gained while Biden and Sen. Bernie Sanders have slipped. But there’s also evidence that someone like South Bend, Indiana, Mayor Pete Buttigieg may be underestimated in national polls.

To see what’s happened in the early states since August, I averaged all state-level polls taken between the second debate (July 30-31) and the third debate (Sept. 12) and compared that to an average of all state polls fielded since the third debate for the five candidates currently sitting at the top of the polls: Biden, Warren, Sanders, Buttigieg and Sen. Kamala Harris.

And in some states, there weren’t a ton of polls during these two time periods, but we did have at least two polls for each state before and after the third debate.

First up, in Iowa, you can see a real change in the nature of the race — Biden previously led by about 3 percentage points, but now Warren has moved ahead. Sanders also slipped about 5 points, so instead of rivaling Warren for second place as he did before the third debate, he’s now in a race for third. He’s about on par with Buttigieg, who now has double-digit support in the state, although the mayor enjoyed a pretty strong standing there before the debate, too. Harris slipped in Iowa, dropping 3 points, which is similar to her performance in the three other early states.

Warren has edged ahead of Biden in Iowa

Average of Iowa polls for the five leading Democratic presidential candidates, before and after the third debate

Poll Average Candidate Before Third Debate After Third Debate Change Elizabeth Warren 21.3 23.0 +1.7 Joe Biden 24.7 20.3 -4.3 Bernie Sanders 17.3 12.0 -5.3 Pete Buttigieg 9.3 11.3 +2.0 Kamala Harris 8.3 5.3 -3.0

Our “before third debate” average includes three polls taken from Aug. 1 to Sept. 11; the “after third debate” average also includes three polls. We excluded head-to-head and open-ended polling questions.

Source: Polls

Next up, in New Hampshire, the story is pretty similar to what we saw in Iowa: Warren’s numbers improved, giving her a narrow lead. In fact, she’s gone up nearly 10 points, far more than in Iowa. However, unlike in Iowa, Biden’s numbers have gone up, too. They didn’t rise as dramatically as Warren’s, but the jump has helped him stay close to Warren in the nation’s first primary state. Meanwhile, Sanders’s slide in New Hampshire has been particularly large, going from a near-tie for first with Biden to 15 points behind Warren. And as in Iowa, Buttigieg is now closer to Sanders than Sanders is to Warren or Biden, while Harris has fallen to the low single digits.

Warren surged in New Hampshire, but Biden gained too

Average of New Hampshire polls for the five leading Democratic presidential candidates, before and after the third debate

Poll Average Candidate Before Third Debate After Third Debate Change Elizabeth Warren 17.6 27.0 +9.5 Joe Biden 21.6 24.3 +2.7 Bernie Sanders 20.9 12.0 -8.9 Pete Buttigieg 7.0 9.7 +2.7 Kamala Harris 6.9 4.0 -2.9

Our “before third debate” average includes six polls taken from Aug. 1 to Sept. 11; the “after third debate” average includes three polls. We excluded head-to-head and open-ended polling questions.

Source: Polls

To some extent, Warren’s uptick in Iowa and New Hampshire isn’t that surprising given her strength with white college-educated voters and, as I wrote on Monday, her increasing support from whites without a college degree. After all, 85 to 90 percent of Iowans and New Hampshirites are white. A lot of this can explain why Buttigieg is doing so well there, too, as he also mainly attracts support from white voters, particularly college-educated ones. That said, his performance in these two early states still stands out in comparison to his mid-single-digit standing in the national polls. And this could be a promising sign for Buttigieg given the influence these two states can have on the presidential primary process — once voting begins, he could be positioned for a strong start that could take his campaign to the next level, especially in light of his prodigious fundraising.

But in our next two early-voting states — Nevada and South Carolina — the picture gets a little fuzzier because we don’t have as many polls. Biden continues to lead the pack in both states (although in Nevada, the race looks more like a three-way tie), but there just hasn’t been as much consistent polling in either state. And that’s a problem, because even though both states come later in the calendar, they are much more racially and ethnically diverse than either Iowa or New Hampshire. So these states could offer important insight as to how other more-diverse states may be leaning, as New Hampshire and Iowa look less and less like the Democratic Party.

For Nevada, we had three surveys prior to the third debate and two after, and they showed a tight three-way race among Biden, Warren and Sanders that got even closer after the third debate. Both Biden and Sanders lost some support, but Warren didn’t emerge as the beneficiary.

It’s a three-way race in Nevada

Average of Nevada polls for the five leading Democratic presidential candidates, before and after the third debate

Poll Average Candidate Before Third Debate After Third Debate Change Joe Biden 26.0 22.6 -3.4 Elizabeth Warren 18.7 18.7 0.0 Bernie Sanders 20.3 18.1 -2.2 Kamala Harris 8.3 4.4 -3.9 Pete Buttigieg 5.3 3.7 -1.6

Our “before third debate” average includes three polls taken from Aug. 1 to Sept. 11; the “after third debate” average includes two polls. We excluded head-to-head and open-ended polling questions.

Source: Polls

And in South Carolina, where we had two polls before the third debate and four polls after, it seems as if no one has been able to make a serious dent into Biden’s support, although he did see a slight dip in his numbers. Biden’s continued strength among black voters in the state has made South Carolina a crucial firewall for his campaign, especially if things go poorly for him in the earlier contests. Sanders’s decline in South Carolina has also helped make Warren a clear second-place contender (even though she, like Biden, saw a slight dip in her numbers after the third debate).

Biden continues to dominate in South Carolina

Average of South Carolina polls for the five leading Democratic presidential candidates, before and after the third debate

Poll Average Candidate Before Third Debate After Third Debate Change Joe Biden 39.5 37.8 -1.8 Elizabeth Warren 15.5 14.8 -0.8 Bernie Sanders 17.0 9.0 -8.0 Kamala Harris 9.5 4.5 -5.0 Pete Buttigieg 4.5 3.3 -1.3

Our “before third debate” average includes two polls taken from Aug. 1 to Sept. 11; the “after third debate” average includes four polls. We excluded head-to-head and open-ended polling questions.

Source: Polls

As always, though, things could shift in the coming weeks. After all, we’ve got the fourth debate coming up on Oct. 15, which could help Sanders or Harris recover to some extent, though we don’t know yet what the polling fallout may be from Sanders’s recent heart attack. But for the moment, what we do know is that the early-state polls in New Hampshire and Iowa look favorable for Warren, while Biden still holds the lead in South Carolina and Nevada. We shouldn’t sleep on Buttigieg, either �� although both he and Warren have a lot of work to do to win over more voters of color.

Other polling bites

It’s still too soon to know whether Sanders’s heart attack has affected his standing in the polls, but a YouGov poll found that 69 percent of Americans think his health is “a legitimate issue.” Additionally, views were mixed about whether his campaign had been transparent about the event, with 33 percent saying it was transparent and 27 percent saying it wasn’t, while a plurality (39 percent) weren’t sure one way or the other.

The share of Americans who identify as either a Republican or a Democrat remained relatively stable during the third quarter of 2019, according to a new Gallup report, with Democrats maintaining a slight edge. Forty-seven percent of adult Americans identified as a Democrat or a Democratic-leaning independent, whereas 42 percent identified as a Republican or a Republican-leaning independent.

Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders make up about 6 percent of all Americans, and AAPI Data and the Public Religion Research Institute have released a new survey of AAPI voters in California, which is both the country’s most populous state and home to the largest number of Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders in the U.S. The survey found that 56 percent of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump, while 33 percent had a favorable view of him. And among the leading Democratic presidential contenders, Biden, Sanders and Harris (who is from California) had the highest favorability ratings.

New polling from Ipsos and C-SPAN found that Americans are skeptical the 2020 election will be “open and fair.” Just 53 percent said they had a “great deal” or “fair amount” of confidence that the presidential election will be “open and fair,” while 46 percent said they did not have much confidence or “no confidence at all.” There were notable differences between Republicans and Democrats, however, with 72 percent of Republicans expressing some degree of confidence contrasted with just 39 percent of Democrats.

Of the four states holding state legislative elections in 2019, Virginia is the only one where there’s a real chance that party control of a chamber could flip. (Republicans have solid majorities in Louisiana and Mississippi while Democrats have overwhelming majorities in New Jersey.) And two new generic ballot polls suggest that Democrats are currently favored to capture both chambers in the Virginia General Assembly, which the GOP currently controls. A late-September survey from the Washington Post and the Schar School at George Mason University found Democrats 7 points ahead of Republicans among registered voters and up 52 percent to 41 percent among registered voters who said they were “certain to vote.” A September poll from the Wason Center at Christopher Newport University was even more bullish for Democrats, finding them ahead of the GOP by 13 points among likely voters, 49 percent to 36 percent.

Canada will vote for a new parliament on Oct. 21, and the race is unusually tight. CBC News’s poll tracker shows the Liberals (the governing party) and the Conservatives (the main opposition) running neck-and-neck at 33 percent nationally.

Trump approval

According to FiveThirtyEight’s presidential approval tracker, 42.0 percent of Americans approve of the job Trump is doing as president, while 53.7 percent disapprove (a net approval rating of -11.7 points). At this time last week, 41.2 percent approved and 53.9 percent disapproved (for a net approval rating of -12.7 points). One month ago, Trump had an approval rating of 41.0 percent and a disapproval rating of 54.1 percent, for a net approval rating of -13.1 points.

Generic ballot

In our average of polls of the generic congressional ballot, Democrats currently lead by 6.1 percentage points (46.2 percent to 40.1 percent). At this time last week, Democrats led by 6.9 percentage points (46.9 percent to 40.0 percent). At this time last month, voters preferred Democrats by 6.5 points (46.3 percent to 39.8 percent).

[starcunning]

Confession

Here’s the other.

I wanted to take another tilt at the piece I wrote for Day 29 of the 30-Day OTP Challenge in September--“I love you”s. The two are not mutually exclusive, really, but it didn’t quite capture the feeling I wanted it to.

Feel free to consider it a companion piece to “Flow,” though I didn’t write it as one.

This work contains MSQ spoilers for FFXIV through patch 4.4.

Shasi realizes she's in love with Thancred at Praetorium—how else to explain the relief and guilt she feels when the blade of light doesn't kill him?

The first time she puts a name to it is in the Allagan ruins they explore together—a lighter respite from regular duties he has not yet been declared fit for.

Whenever she visits the Waking Sands she comes to see him, to ask how he is. This is the only voice she gives to the ache in her heart: unselfish concern, which he mistakes for mere interest in when he will be restored to fieldwork.

But when he is, he is more closed than before, more guarded. It is her duty and her choice to protect him, and she will, always.

Until it is his to protect her. He is sorry they never got to dance at the Sultana's banquet. It is a debt he claims he will collect another time, but now the Brass Blades bear down on them. She must go, and be gone; the hope of the realm that exists embodied in her own person must survive. She wants to tell him before she flees, but there is no time.

When she hears his cries of pain echo in the sewers she wants to shout her confession back to him, but she has no breath for it. And soon she is alone.

Then she is in the company of others, in the small months of the year, in Coerthas. The Ishgardians are fond of their love festival, and she pours her pain out in ink one morning. She wants to consign the words and the feelings to the pyre—Thancred is dead, and she feels false to him every time she puts her arms around Haurchefant—but she has not the strength.

They are still awaiting her in Camp Dragonhead somewhere. Even now. Even then.

She does not think of them when Thancred re-enters her life in a spray of daggers—protecting her, as he exited it more than a year before. She wants to give vent to the relief she feels—why is he always so close to death? But the timing is all wrong. She will tell him soon, she tells herself.

She will tell him when she returns from the Aetherial Sea; when they are all together again. When things are as they should be.

But when she returns without Minfilia, he goes, and she fears it might be forever. How can she tell him she loves him when he can't stand the sight of her? How can she slip that bond around him when he wants to be gone?

It is not jealousy she feels when she notes the way he looks at Hilda. It is envy. She wants to be a comfort to him, she wants to hold him close, to tell him all that has transpired, to hear from him all that has happened, to be allowed, at last, to love him. Instead they argue. His pain is too near the surface, and calls hers to the fore.

They are ragged edges that will never fit together.

Time wears them down. Time, and horror, and loss; a small blue moon hangs in the sky over Baelsar's Wall. There are a few Ala Mhigan refugees who call it, with irony, Rhalgr's Beacon, for it betokens their destination. The Alliance will march beneath that star, even after the Allagan weapon has chased it from the sky. There is another banquet in the Fragrant Chamber once this is decided. The notion goes that the fete celebrates the official re-entrance of Ishgard into the Eorzean Alliance, but they both know it is a premature victory ball. They dance anyway, only two years late, and she longs to tell him.

They cross the Velodyna; they are driven back; blood sings in her sword-arm when she stands against the Viceroy. Ala Mhigo will not be yielded unto them, and Thancred will not make the long crossing to Doma. Shasi hopes that he and Urianger can be some support to one another—both have dealt with Ascians before; one by force and the other by choice. But in case of shipwreck she means to confess to him anyway.

She does not find him before her ferry departs.

When she returns there is the mission, and Krile missing, and there is the strange mutual fixation that has grown between her and Zenos yae Galvus. Thancred comes and bears witness to this last when she puts the prince under glass. She doesn't know why she asked Urianger to send him. She doesn't know why he came. She only fears he has been hurt, somehow, by his coming; by her phratry—no, her tryst, by then—with a man who had once been her enemy.

They do not speak of it. When she executes Zenos—when she cries, afterward—it's Thancred's arms that catch her. She knows then she has never been false at all. She has loved others, but always him, she understands; too, she understands now is not the time to say so.

She traverses Thanalan and then the wider world. Alone, not alone; with ghosts and spectres and her own mind for company. She and Fray do not talk about Thancred. They do not need to.

When that jaunt is ended, she comes home at last—to her little house in the Goblet. The yard is weeded and the stable is swept and the mail that has piled up beside her door is tidily organized. A little note slipped into the top stack betrays Thancred's involvement, and her heart feels fit to burst.

She returns to Doma and meets with the Ambassador. Asahi sas Brutus claims that none could have loved Zenos more or better than he; Shasi breaks apart a bit at the notion. It has been months, after all, since she first heard the rumor that Zenos was alive, though she felt his blood run over her hands, heard the last breath leave his lungs. When they open the grave and find it empty, Thancred is beside her, which seems almost too much to bear.

It is not what it seems. She knows this in her soul, and yet the ordeal exhausts her. Thancred is going to Garlemald, to hear what might be heard. She would have said nothing, but for Shpoki arranging events otherwise. She is too tired not to be with Thancred anymore.

She can kiss him, touch him; when he is inside of her she has to bury her face against his neck. If she does not mute herself, the words will come spilling out of her, and this she cannot allow. It would mean nothing to say it so carelessly, and this is more than she deserves.

He is gone a while, and she is about her business. They have almost a moon together before Lord Hien arrives for the summit in Ala Mhigo. She has her own rooms, but she does not want them. She wants his. She wakes in the pre-dawn light to see his sleeping face and kiss his brow before she rises, seeking to drive the restlessness from her soul.

Sometimes she wakes in the small hours, and she knows she has been screaming, and he puts his arms around her and reminds her where she is; that she is safe; that she is whole; that she is now. She loves him so much then that she is afraid to speak.

In those blessed weeks they spend together they travel to a city in the depths of the Lochs and to a mountain crowned with stars and they learn every inch of one another, and when she says anything to him at all she carefully examines her words in her mind, turning them over in tiny eternities between the seconds, to be sure she has not told him she loves him by accident.

It is so close to the edge of her lips all the time, it lives on the tip of her tongue, and it is a struggle to keep it trapped behind her teeth. This is her her duty and her choice, for her love is a burden that kills.

At the summit and after, when Thancred is still as a grave in winter, she cannot help but despair. His very soul is missing, she has been told.

A moon’s time of happiness. Was that all they were to be afforded?

They lay him out in the infirmary of the Rising Stones. The strange, aether-tinted light of Mor Dhona streams in through the windows, ethereal on his skin. He is like a prince enchanted. He does not wake, not when she sits down beside him, not when she speaks to him. He will not rise to greet her, does not smile at her. He cannot go to the conservatory and sit at F'lhammin's piano and work out some composition while she reads. These small intimacies are lost to them.

Shasi leans over the bed, lays her head upon the pillow beside his, and feels the selfsame ache she has carried for six years.

i love you, she tells him, though i can't see how that matters now.

Thancred does not wake.

[iimcgine]

●● is that ESTER EXPÒSITO? no, that’s just MOIRA ELOISE RALEY, the 22 year old CISFEMALE who is a CMO. some say they’re NEGLECTFUL & AMOROUS, but their family and friends will swear they’re INTELLIGENT & HARDWORKING. when i think of them, i think of a black dress pants, button ups, a red lip, a conference room, and louis vuittons clicking on tile. i wonder if HER neighbors know that SHE SLEPT HER WAY TO THE TOP OF THE BUSINESS. ●●

w b k   this  was  coming  people .  everyone  hold  onto  your  butts ,  moira  mf  eloise  is  back    –––– also also if anyone would like to plot with me on d/scord it’s weachy#7991 !!

moira eloise raley has a reputation. born to angel raley, she came into this world with a reputation. at the time, her mother had been married to the ceo of a tech company and wrote moira off as his. despite the fact that she wears her mothers maiden name, he believed she was his  &  didn’t challenge her claim. so, while they did end up getting divorced due to infidelity on both ends, angel was racking up the dough from that alimony. it practically made her a socialite. think if donna shellstrop was a smooth talker and a rich trophy wife. example 1 and 2 . but on the opposite end, moira almost saw it as a gift. for a long time she grew up thinking her mom was god’s gift to man kind  &  saw how she manipulated people into doing what she wanted. (hence, a carbon copy of that aspect) but she also saw a different side ... she would never depend on a man to get what she wanted out of life. independent, but a manipulator.

she’s practically forgotten exactly how many people her mother has been married too. when she was a kid she got close to all of them that she could, but past 13 she honestly couldn’t remember their faces. they ranged from artists to local celebrities/local rich townsmen (👀) to pro athletes to ceos. the list is practically miles long.

her mother is still absolutely around and despite seeing her maybe monthly, she’s got no emotional connection to her.

she has always been extremely intelligent. math was her strong suit so graduating with a 4.4 GPA, with a 36 on her ACT the girl made it int harvard.

lets back it up to high school .... she didn’t really party in high school per say but she went to parties. she didn’t drink a ton just because she didn’t like the taste of alcohol but pretty much used parties as a way of manipulation? she’d go with someone to a party, get whatever she wanted out of them, and then go home. if she was at a party, it was because she had a mission.

this translated to practically all different types of relationships too. besides the few (im thinking maybe 2) close friends she had, every single person she interacted with was a little pawn in her game of life. everyone else in her ap classes were competition and in her clubs & groups were extracurricular interruptions. she had always been there for one thing and one thing only, herself.

business sort of just fell in her lap? it was something she was extremely good at and the math aspect of her brain lived for it. so enrolling in harvards business school was one of the easiest choices she ever made.

and the second easiest choice she ever made was dating a son of one of the Kings of the business world. again –– another pawn –– because it landed her a job as a marketing exec and that was that.

she got that her sophomore year of college and kept moving up little by little every six months. sometimes unconventional things happened. (if getting an exec in bed would get them to listen to her ideas? guess what she was doing.)

just imagine her flirting & charming a higher up, sleeping with them, and then not even a minute after its all said and done she’s convincing them to go with her marketing idea (and by the way –– they’ve always worked so far. she’s got a damn nack for marketing). less than a month later, she’d be moved up.

she *technically* had her associate marketing officer job before she had her bachelors but it was only by like a month, so. she became the youngest cmo in the company about a week ago (who celebrated with her?!) . she’s got about 30 employees with masters degrees who work under her (to be fair, she’ll be done with her masters in august)

personality wise: she’s very charming and will talk to anyone and everyone but unless you know her it seems very innocent. if you know her, then she wants something out of you. then again, she’ll scare the shit out of anyone and everyone at any time and she’s not afraid to call anyone out. proceed at your own risk.

wanted connections !!

her squad ?  ( no gender specified 20-24 ) –– listen any 2 people who would put up with this ruthless manipulative piece of shit and love her even on her extremely bad days deserves all the awards. be those 2 people.

fwb ? hookups ? one night stands ? ( males & females  & nb 20 - 28 ) –– listen, i’ve made it canon she’s slept w like at least 70% of this town. whether it was for fun or to get what she wanted, charming her way into peoples hearts is her bread and butter. she could make u sweat i promise.

business partners ? ( no gender specified, 22+ ) ––  anyone that could possibly work in the same business as her. relationships can be plotted out later !!

people she fucked over in high school ( no gender specified, 20 - 24 ) ––  listen she’s not sorry and she probably never will be but hating her won’t solve your problems & she probably hasn’t wasted a tear over it.

listen if anyone wants to have hooked up with her mother that’s free reign too !!

[fantasma-exspiravit]

Freak Show Ghost Envy

Crack Theory

Today I'd like to talk about Ghost Envy and why it exists in the Danny Phantom universe. Who coined the idea and all of that. All my thoughts and theories are up to personal opinion, I just like to over analyze things and jump to conclusions. ☺️ Sooooo, without further ado...

Ghost Envy. We first find out about it in the episode reality trip. One might think it was a common thing since Jazz is reading a whole book about it to write her college thesis essay. Titled "Ghost Envy for dimwits: Ghosts are not the boss of me" this book must have some sort of scientific claim for Jazz to be using it for research. But who did this research? As a reminder: Season one starts off with the general public at the understanding that ghosts aren't real. It's such a fringe topic that Jasmine is able to get JACK (of all people) to admit in Mystery Meat, and I quote, "I, Jack Fenton, from this day forth, do hereby turn my back on ghosts. And this thermos can't trap ghosts because ghosts don't exist."

We know for sure that ghosts sightings, research, and proof are rare things. Those who believe in ghosts and try to prove of their existence tend to be societal outcasts who (even with tremendous research like Jack and Maddie) tend to be laughed off as crack pots. That begs the qestion, who wrote this book?

We know it can't be a scientist. At least not a well founded peer reviewed one. As my calculations show from Danny phantom's sleep deprivation (link), each episode spans about 4.4 days from each other (at least until Christmas). Ghosts finally come into public eye during the episode Public Enemies. That happens when Walker uses Phantom and exposes him to the public, to the news, and makes him look like a villain (by stealing the mayor-- do I need to put spoilers for an over ten year old kids cartoon??). This is the 15th episode in the series making this 66 days into the school year (generously assuming Danny got his powers the first day of school) or, just a hair over 2 months.

Why is this important? Well, Reality Trip happens the last day of school. Any well-eatablished psychologist who wants to do research on how the human psyche is affected by the knowledge of ghosts is gonna need to find, subjects, get a board to approve of an experiment, run the experiment, hopefully have others run the experiment for extra backing, get these articles peer reviewed, get them into an established journal, then write a book on Ghost Envy with all its research at a good enough level that Jazz would want to use it as a resource-- Oh, and all before the last six months of time before school get out for the average teen in America.

While there were other ghost researchers (or at least hunters) in the series, we get a chance to see all the best known and established ghost fanatics in Million Dollar Ghost. This episode happens after Public Enemies, but for lenience, we're gonna assume these guys were all around in the shadows (like Maddie and Jack) and have come to light more now the ghosts are a hot topic. We have the groovy gang and scardey cat, the xtreme ghostbreakers, and the guys in white. The former two certainly aren't researchers. And the guys in white, even if they performed their own studies outside of ghosts (since they never seem to want to experiment on the public and only threaten Phantom with experiments) I doubt the government would be publishing any of their research, akin to no one knowing about Area 51 and so on. Whoever wrote the book knew a great deal about Ghost Envy, had lots of time to research it (before ghosts were popular), and didn't already defame their name through crazy stunts like Jack and Maddie.

Not all is lost, however. I just happen to know an author who has already proven to write about Ghost subjects.

I know, Freak Show is adement that he doesn't have Ghost Envy. Who's to say, though, that he didn't research and write the book to prove to the world that he didn't have Ghost Envy. This is called guilt transference. Ever seen someone you know is a cheater adimently accuse their significant other of having been promiscuous? It's under the idea that if you can attribute the the thing you feel you've done wrong onto someone else, you won't be looked at as in the wrong. He is, however, self aware enough, that at the start of the episode when the guys in white state "We know how you envy ghosts" he doesn't deny it. We also know he discusses this topic with Jazz when he feels safe, so clearly he isn't so closeted about his Ghost Envy that writing a book about it would be considered tabu.

I believe, it runs deeper than just a problem with his family, though. Whether or not he told Jazz about this to try and bait pity out of her is a whole different subject. This may go deeper than just parents or his audience loving ghosts more than him. Dealing with the section when he states that he may love ghosts more than himself I'd like to turn our attention to Lydia. She was the only ghost who, when broken free of the orbs charm, stuck it out with Freak Show. Why? I believe the two may have more or less secret affection for each other.

But she is dead. Not just dead, she's a ghost. An immortal being that is very rare and difficult to become, the chances Freak Show might become a ghost are basically zero. Regardless of how many trinkets he has to try and make himself ghostly (whatever causes his ghostly aura around him). One day he will die and she will live on. This makes his hatred of ghostly things all the more real as it now keeps him from having a happy life with Lydia. It may be a part of the cause for him to want her to express more human traits. It would also explain why he offers to take her to dinner or a movie before stating he'll spend their afternoon becoming the ringmaster of the world.

In other words: I really ship Freak Show and Lydia and I think there's enough evidence for me to say it could have been canon.

[tired-pinetree]

Wrote an essay about how the FBI uses the label “terrorism” and in conclusion

(I’ll post the rest of the essay under a read more, because I think it’s really important for anyone involved in any activism to know this stuff)

((Also much of what I wrote about is applicable to racist and islamophobic profiling, but I focused on “eco terrorism” here because the class I wrote this for was an environmental writing class))

Fire and metal shrapnel bursts from the car. The pipe bomb tears through the car and its two occupants. Judi Bari, the driver, takes the brunt of the force. Her pelvis is crushed, her life bleeding out of her. She and her passenger, fellow activist Darryl Cherney, survive. In just a few hours, however, they’re both arrested in the hospital. The FBI declares them “eco-terrorists,” almost entirely on the fact that two environmental activists were near a bombing. Eleven years later, a jury finally vindicated Cherney and Bari and mandated the FBI and Oakland police pay $4.4 million dollars for civil rights abuses. This verdict came far too late for Bari, who died of cancer five years earlier, still falsely deemed a terrorist. As attorney J. Tony Serra aptly warned, "the jury showed the rest of America that even in the face of brutal terrorism we cannot discard the very civil liberties that make the country great” (Zamora 2002).

           Bari and Cherney’s case showcases a problem within the FBI and the justice system as a whole concerning terrorism, especially eco terrorism. Ask any particular person what a terrorist is or looks like, and you would likely get a quick answer. An answer heavily based off of prejudice, yes, but an answer nevertheless. The legal definition, however, is surprisingly ambiguous. This is particularly true following the September 11th attacks, as both the policies and consequences for alleged terrorism has increased even though the term “terrorism” itself has remained vague and even broadened its range.

            Before any other analysis can be made, basic definitions and limitations must be determined. Eco terrorism has two general meanings: terrorism committed against the environment, and terrorism committed on behalf of the environment. Eco terrorism in this case will refer to extreme actions performed by environmentalists, and the same will hold for other mentions of eco terrorism in quoted material unless otherwise stated. Moreover, the use of “terrorism” in the phrase “eco terrorism” is not legally technical or a reflection of personal opinion as this phrase is widely used in discussions on this topic.

           Before delving into the legal nature of eco terrorism and its consequences, first revisit personal and cultural concepts of terrorism. Picture some of the prevalent threads: masked militia surround and terrorize civilians; video recordings of executions; grimy guerilla fighters hunched in forests preparing an ambush; schools of kids held hostage; buildings bustling with people, bombed into an apocalypse of blood, fire, and dust. These scenes are noteworthy because they aim to hurt and kill people, and are often successful. By contrast, imagine radical environmentalism and “eco terrorism.” Consider some common situations: loud and annoying protests; graffiti, breaking windows, posted propaganda, slashing tires, and other minor vandalisms; sabotaging industrial equipment and property to delay or halt projects; tree huggers chaining themselves to trees and hammering spikes into them to deter chainsaws; releasing hundreds of minks from fur farms; and, in more extreme cases, arson. From a cursory glance, the difference is fairly clear. Although these eco terrorist acts are certainly crimes, they appear to be at a significantly lower magnitude and severity than terrorism.

           Determining what is and isn’t terrorism is a harder concept to nail down legally. The precise definition is as follows: “The term ‘domestic terrorism’ means activities that – (A) involve acts dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the United States or of any state; (B) appear to be intended – (i) to intimidate or coerce a civilian population; (ii) to influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion; or (iii) to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction, assassination, or kidnapping, and (C) occur primarily within the territorial jurisdiction of the United States” (US Code, Title 18, Code 2331). Essentially, anything potentially violent with a social, economic, or political motivation could be considered terrorism. This is the conventional, pre 9/11 definition of terrorism and is the basic interpretation used by the FBI. Both Robert Mueller, FBI Director in 2005, and James Jarboe, Domestic Terrorism Section Chief in 2002, have named eco terrorism as a serious threat (Jarboe 2002, Eco-Terror Indictments 2006). Director Mueller stated “Terrorism is terrorism, no matter what the motive […] persons who conduct this kind of activity are going to spend a long time in jail, regardless of their motive” (Eco-Terror Indictments 2006). Therefore, if eco terrorism is to be evaluated independently of its purpose and whatever justification that may provide, as Mueller demands, then an objective look at what separates terrorism from simple crimes is necessary.

           Ignoring personal morality and ethics over the goals and tactics of eco-terrorists simplifies the question to a matter of legality and loopholes. Former FBI Domestic Terrorism Chief Jarboe attempts to expand the definition of domestic terrorism to cover criminal violence or threatened violence against individuals or property for the purpose of sending a larger message concerning environmentalism (2002). The National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Responses to Terrorism (START) restates this basic definition while touching on some of the controversial aspects when it comes to the specifics. However, when the FBI and START begin to venture from this base, they begin to contradict themselves and bring in irrelevant information. For example, the FBI has stated radical environmentalism is terrorism in part because it is highly organized, but the FBI also says eco terrorist groups are highly disorganized and barely functions as any sort of structured organization (FBI 2002, FBI 2006, FBI 2008). START also participates in conflicting information as it cites acts outside of the International Humanitarian Law (IHL) as one of its criteria. However, the IHL doesn’t apply to domestic or eco terrorism because neither qualifies as an armed conflict (START, ICRC 2014). Even the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, a similar document, cannot be used to definitively support either side, though several articles can be interpreted to support or condone eco terrorism (ICRC 2014, UN 1948). As can be seen, terrorism in both name and concept has had an obscurity for years. This lack of clarity has intensified in the years since 9/11. Due to legislature such as the Patriot Act and rhetoric, terrorism qualifications and punishments have expanded, but remained ambiguous. Before moving into these later additions, however, does eco terrorism already qualify as terrorism?

           The core of this issue is determining what separates terrorism from ordinary criminal activity. After all, few of the thousands of violent crimes committed each year are considered terrorism, and charges of terrorism carry serious consequences. The FBI and other groups like the ADL argue that radical environmentalists are eco-terrorists due to the economic cost of vandalism, their level of organization and uniform intent, and their violent rhetoric (FBI 2008, ADL). However, others like the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), many individuals, and the “eco terrorist” organizations themselves deny this. Steve Vanderheiden, author of a text discussing radical environmentalism, explains in depth that eco terrorism cannot, under the conventional understanding of terrorism, be considered terrorism. Vanderheiden discusses that terrorism is a trend of violence or threat of violence against a specific group of people but where victims are randomly chosen from this group, people are the primary or secondary target of this violence, with the intent to manipulate the social structure or the government. The targets of eco terrorist attacks may be considered as a subgroup, however, targets of eco terrorism are not random and are specifically chosen in response to their actions. In addition, as Vanderheiden points out, the general public is not targeted, only wealthy leaders of companies that damage the environment. Therefore, the widespread terror and coercion against society that characterizing terrorism is absent. Although eco terrorism is, by its nature, motivated toward social, political, or economic change, the intents of one of the most prevalent “eco terrorist” organization, the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) specifically states several times that harm against people is to be avoided and is not the intent of their actions (ELF 2001). Following this, eco terrorism has never resulted in the death or serious injury of a person in America, despite its presence since the 1970s (FBI 2008, Vanderheiden 2005, ADL, ELF 2001). Undoubtedly ELF and other eco-terrorists have committed dramatic, and sometimes serious, crimes such as arson, widespread vandalism, and releasing captive animals en mass (FBI 2002). However, no one has been hurt or killed, and these acts of violence have been focused on inanimate objects and economic tools (property, profit, etc.). Can – and should – terrorism be allowed to cover violence towards these nonsentient objects? Paul Watson, captain of the anti-whaling organization Sea Shepherd, argues “We agree with the assessment […] that violence cannot be committed against a non-sentient object. Sea Shepherd sometimes damages equipment used for illegal activities, but we have an unblemished record [in regards to injuries/deaths caused by Sea Shepherd]” (New Zealand Herald 2010). Vanderheiden, along with many people and organizations labeled “eco-terrorists,” agree that violence against people is significant and applicable to the label “terrorism,” whereas vandalism and other forms of violence against inanimate objects should rarely, if ever, be considered terrorism (Vanderheiden 2005, ELF 2001). It’s based off of the simple idea that harm against people is worse than harm against objects. Kidnapping is worse than stealing, murder is worse than vandalism. Equivocating the two as similarly terrorist acts is misleading rhetoric as the two are not comparable.

           Due to these key differences, “eco-terrorists” would typically not be considered terrorists. However, the Patriot Act of 2001 and other new policies have changed that. They expanded how and when anti-terrorism resources and procedures can be used while intensifying rhetoric against eco terrorism. The ACLU published the changes made under section 802 of the act. Among them, they found that governmental powers expanded to investigate and prosecute anything with the potential for terrorism (ACLU). Terrorism now covers anything that may pose a danger to human life, regardless of the intensity, likelihood, or conditions of this danger (ACLU). Furthermore, anything that may cause economic damage, either through the loss of profits or the destruction or theft of property, is also terrorism (Vanderheiden 2005). The FBI openly admits to using legislation to widen the definition of terrorism and implement more severe punishments, stating “we’re also taking advantage of the 2006 revision to the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, which toughened penalties […] and included secondary targets” (FBI 2008). Using this vague justification of potential human harm and financial loss, the government can then investigate individuals and organizations intensely and using the policies created or expanded upon under the Patriot Act (ACLU). Given these new policies, the potential for civil liberty abuse from the FBI is extraordinarily high. These new policies have created three powerful tools the government can use to violate civil rights and coerce terrorism charges: asset seizure, access to highly confidential information, and preemptive prosecution.

           Asset seizure is a significant weapon the government uses against alleged terrorists and activists. Seizure of assets allows law enforcement to confiscate all of a person or group’s resources, including money, property, and valuables (ACLU). Without any warning, before any hearing, without ever being charged with a crime, anyone can suddenly find themselves homeless and penniless for months (ACLU). Since these are considered civil cases, not criminal cases, the victim of asset seizure does not have a right to a lawyer if they can’t afford one – and given that all of their resources are currently possessed by the government, they almost certainly cannot afford one. Even if the civil case goes favorably, the government is not required to give much justification about why they appropriated assets and are not liable for any wrongdoing related to it (ACLU). This results in little to no consequences for hasty or false seizures against innocent people. As such, it is a powerful weapon against any person or individual the government doesn’t approve of, regardless of their crimes or lack of crimes (ACLU).

           Protection for confidential information is significant because it limits bias and keeps the government from having absolute power and control over the nation. Despite this importance, government is now able to access information that previously was protected under privacy laws. Again, all it takes are vague and subjective terrorism suspicions, and again the FBI doesn’t need to verify the legitimacy of these claims or face consequences for false ones. This information covers academic performance, private medical/health information (such as counseling and abortions), what organizations they are involved in, family income, race, taxpayer information, and other previously confidential information (ACLU). Americans seem to have become relatively desensitized to privacy leaks and government spying, however, releasing this sensitive information quickly leads to coercion and heavily biased cases. Legally improper probes conducted by the FBI into nonviolent organizations such as Greenpeace have already been uncovered (ACLU, Jerry 2010). Nonviolent activists and organizations who have never ventured outside the realm of civil disobedience were arbitrarily placed on terrorist watch lists in an effort to control legal, peaceful activism (Jerry 2010). There is nothing stopping the FBI from repeating this, no consequences, and no real limits to their power.

           Underlying these aggressive tactics is preemptive prosecution. Preemptive prosecution is a strategy where people are investigated, charged, and prosecuted on the basis of possible future terrorism and not actual terrorist plots (Downs and Manley, 2014). This larger theme of improperly and illegally charging people with terrorism was uncovered by Project SALAM and the National Coalition to Protect Civil Freedoms (NCPCF), revealing that the vast majority of terrorism arrests and charges have been based on entrapment and preemptive prosecution (Downs and Manley 2014). Their study shows that 72.4% of nearly 400 terrorist convictions were based on this illegal tactic, with 94.2% of cases having strong elements of preemptive prosecution (Downs and Manley 2014). In nearly every case, these “terrorist plots” were lead by an FBI paid infiltrator who incited and planned violence while manipulating others into the plot (Downs and Manley 2014). In essence, the FBI was mostly busting itself for terrorism, while arresting and charging nonviolent activists and minorities with terrorism. The ACLU and other organizations claim that these charges of terrorism and flexible definition of terrorism has been deliberately used by the FBI to attack activists and destabilize activism groups (ACLU). This attitude of exaggerated threat and response is dubbed the Green Scare, in reference to the McCarthyism of the 1950s (Loadenthal 2013). Combining preemptive prosecution and the low requirements to be charged and convicted of terrorism, America’s domestic anti-terrorism effort ends up strengthening authoritarian government control and protecting the profits and interests of companies.

           In recent years, the harmful effects of overzealous terrorism labeling is increasingly clear. Vanderheiden states that a terrorist is unbound by moral limitations against harming others, and therefore, eliminating terrorism can follow similarly merciless procedures. This increases the importance of determining who is a terrorist and who is simply a criminal, bystander, victim, or activist. Bari and Cherney are far from the only people to be falsely charged with eco terrorism. Eric McDavid served nine years in jail for allegedly plotting to blow up a dam before key documents suddenly appeared in 2015 proving that McDavid was coerced and entrapped into the plot by a person paid by the FBI to incite acts of terrorism (Kuipers 2015). In other cases, like John Burton Wade, his criminal actions would have not resulted in charges of terrorisms prior to these changes, according to professor of environmental Peter Manus and unnamed governmental officials (Baldwin 2008). Consider your own personal history with activism and organizations. If you have ever participated in anything as innocuous as a boycott or a peaceful protest, or been a member of an organization who has, you may be on a terrorist watchlist or classified as a terrorist without you ever knowing.

           Thusly, the simple answer to “is eco terrorism actually terrorism” is yes, technically it falls under terrorism and has been treated as such. However, classifying activism as terrorism is a major threat to human rights and civil liberties. Countless people have suffered under the government’s domestic anti-terrorism policies, and anyone could be next. By their own definitions, the FBI is far more of a terrorist organization than the ELF or any other eco terrorist could be.

        References

“Eco-Terror Incitments: ‘Operation Backfire’ Nets 11.” (Jan 20 2006). Federal Bureau of Investigation archive.

“Ecoterrorism: Extremism in the animal rights and environmental movements.” Anti-Defamation league (ADL).

“Hardline warrior in war to save the whale.” (Jan 10 2010) New Zealand Herald.

“How the USA Patriot Act redefines ‘domestic terrorism’.” ACLU.

“New documents show FBI targeting environmental and animal rights groups activities as ‘domestic terrorism’.” (Dec 20 2005). ACLU.

“Putting intel to work against ELF and ALF terrorists.” (June 6 2008). Federal Bureau of Investigation archive.

“What is international humanitarian law?” (Dec 2014) International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC).

Baldwin, Brent (Feb 6 2008). “Wade’s War.” Style.

Downs, Stephen and Manley, Kathy (May 2014, updated 2017). Inventing Terrorists: The Lawfare of Preemptive Prosecution. Project SALAM AND National Coalition to Protect Civil Freedoms.

Frequently Asked Questions about the Earth Liberation Front (ELF). (2001). North American Earth Liberation Front Press Office. ELF.

Jarboe, James F. (Feb 12 2002). Testimony of James F. Jarboe, Domestic Terrorism Section Chief, Counterterrorism Division, FBI, Before the House Resources Committee, Subcommittee on Forests and Forest Health “The Threat of Eco-Terrorism.” Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Kuipers, Dean (Jul 30 2015). “Exclusive: tough questions for Feds after they jailed an innocent man for nine years.” Take Part.

Loadenthal, Micheal (Jan 2013). ‘The Green Scare’ & ‘Eco-Terrorism’: The Development of US Counter-Terrorism Strategy Targeting Direct Action Activists. Research Gate.

Markon, Jerry (Sept 20 2010). “FBI probes were improper, Justice says.” Washington Post.

National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Response to Terrorism (START). Data Collection and the Definition of Terrorism. Global Terrorism Database.

United Nations General Assembly (1948). The Universal Declaration of Human Rights. United Nations.

US Code. Title 18. Code 2331.

Zamora, Jim Herron (June 12, 2002). “After 11 years, jury vindicates Earth First pair / FBI, Oakland officers must pay $4.4 million for civil rights abuses.” SF Gate.