#I think I should be able to write better translyrics if I try again now

[dkniade]

I’m looking at old English translyrics I wrote to Neru’s “Life Prolonging Treatment” (MV has flashing and violent imagery) and—oh my god? What is this rhyme scheme in the first chorus??

The prosody is a little rough (I think I missed a few syllables) but the rhyme scheme kind of works with the melody though…?

Content Warning: Medical trauma. The rest is kind of vague/heavily implied but, unethical experimentation (?), terminal illness (?), self-harm (?), suicide ideation

My English Translyrics:

Stuck between machine and pride, the patient, day by day, worsens

Tubes in veins, artificial limbs with no restraints have hurt each other again

The treatment’s dim, hidden in a sea of trees

Head in, or from within, won’t you leave me be?!

You see? It's all just a dream...

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Original Japanese lyrics by Neru:

機械とプライドの間で暗む病状

僕ら管だらけの手足で傷を付け合いました

治療法は樹海の中で　朦朧

どうか　ここから　連れ出してよ

「ほら、眠くなる。」

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I think I took some creative liberties with writing “Head in, or from within, won’t you leave me be?!” because the original lyrics of “どうかここから連れ出してよ” is more so “I beg of you, take me away from here!” (according to Rippukun’s translation on Vocaloid Lyrics). But in fact, an older version of these translyrics I wrote it as a more straightforward “So please, take me away. Let me leave this place.” That might work better, because the “here” this line refers to the speaker’s traumatic situation (in the hospital, presumably) and not—(content warning: discussion of suicide in the linked article)—the sea of trees alluded in the previous line…

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Still, I suppose you wouldn’t write English lyrics like this if it was originally an English song. That is, the melody fits the Japanese lyrics more… because… (checks) the original lyrics have a lot of plosives, phonetically…? It’s strange though. The Japanese lyrics have internal rhymes but my English lyrics have a different set of rhymes which is… hm…

Japanese Lyrics in Romaji:

Kikai to, puraido no aida de, kuramu byoujou

Bokura, kuda darake no teashi de, kizu o tsuke aimashita

Chiryouhou wa jukai no naka de, mourou

Douka, koko kara, tsuredashite yo

“Hora, nemuku naru.”

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Here are some old fanart I did of the song

[dkniade]

Can I just say that I’m glad to see more fans of datsugoku here? LIKE ITS SO SO GOOD AND GOD SO TRAGICC THEY DESERVED BETTER!! Also also your analysis on Oktavia’s cover was FUCKING AMAZING HOLY HELLL/pos

(If anyone’s curious about the song mentioned here, note that the first link’s music video contains flashing lights and rapid motions, and the themes include violence and character death)

Thank you so much!! I really love Datsugoku’s MV for telling such a story in a mere 3 minutes and 47 seconds while combining music/lyrics/visuals together well. I remember how I used to really look up to sidu for her work on Datsugoku, particularly for its lighting and video editing haha. Over the years her artstyle has changed but Datsugoku is one of my favourite “phases” of her art style I’d say

(I think to this day if I’m trying to get someone into Neruke I’d just send them the MV haha)

But as a song it’s just really cool to listen to as well. The riff at the start, that guitar solo in the middle (I wrote a post about my interpretation of the solo’s narrative significance) IT’S SO GOOD. One of the best—or most memorable?—solos Neru has written I think. I like that you can get one interpretation based on the music/lyrics themselves, and another slightly different interpretation based on the MV (since what’s described in the lyrics don’t exactly match what’s happening on-screen even though they’re describing the same event.) This mismatch (?) in how the media forms are staggered (?) is so cool, like when the LYRICS say (using my translation)—

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Slamming down on the rusted throttle

with all that I’ve got—

so hard that I’d break my bones—

Right now, let’s break through reality

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—but the ANIMATION shows the moments before, where Kawasemi throws the knife to rip off Kuina’s blindfold, mouthes something in a cocky way, and runs away to start the chase…!

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(Note that the next link here goes to a post which links to a video with flashing lights and rapid motions.)

AH speaking of a tragic ending that deserved better, back in 2021 I was able to participate in a Neruke 10th anniversary fan medley MV, and did the illustration for Datsugoku! The section chosen was of course the very guitar solo itself so I tried to depict a scene of freedom and happiness in the illustration. Whether the smiling and relaxed Kawasemi is alive in the illustration is up to interpretation, haha…

It’s to match lyrics like—(note that this section of the lyrics kiiind of alludes to metaphoric drugs, and again character death)—

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“Increasing the altitude without a change in your expression, you laugh”

(“顔色変えず高度上げて君は笑う”)

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and

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“As the engine heats up, I don’t care about what’s happening to the plane’s body, so high I was in the blue heavens”

(“エンジンがヒートして　機体がどうしたって気にもしない程に　トリップしてしまう大空は偉大さ”)

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UE UE UE KAWASEMI YOU BASTARD WITH NO SELF-PRESERVATION (affectionate). Looking at it again, as a loanword from English,トリップして (trip-shite) likely refers to tripping (on drugs)… as in he’s in such a state of ecstasy—in seventh heaven, if you will—it’s like he’s high. ….oh my god hence Oktavia’s line:

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“Though the engine overheats, the plane begins to dive / I don’t care, it’s right in front of me / The Seventh Heaven finally on the bright side”

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(Long ramble about Oktavia’s lyrics, Japanese lyrics, English translyrics, melody, and phonology here)

As for my initial reaction Oktavia’s encore cover, thank you!! As I’ve mentioned in the reaction/analysis post I really like how she writes lyrics. Rhythmically, I’ve realized that it’s not just about fitting the Japanese lyrics’ syllables to English words while retaining the meaning, it’s about sonority (relative loudness of a speech sound) and how the sonority of the English lyrics should sound with the melody—and as a poet and occasional (English cover) lyricist who tries to rhyme and keep the rhythm, THAT’S REALLY DIFFICULT. I think… a vocal melody written for a song in Japanese would probably take advantage of how Japanese is mostly consonant-vowel (e.g. Datsugoku can be split up to da-tsu-go-ku, but don’t quote my on the technicalities), but rewrite the lyrics to English without thinking of rhythm and suddenly it’s hard to sing lyrics when they’re all mushed together, be it because the sonority just don’t work, or that there are too many consonants…

For example, it’s easier to sing

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あの頃僕ら夢を見ていたんだ

(Ano koro bokura yume o miteita nda)

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than it is to sing, say,

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“Back then the two of us would dream of better lives than this”

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even though the syllable count matches (do you know how hard it was to intentionally write a line that’d mess with the syllabic stress in relation to the melody)

SO THAT’S WHY I LOVE OKTAVIA’S LYRIC

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“Tell me you remember when we’d dream of another life.”

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The way the consonants at the ends of the words follow the vowels at the beginning of the next word makes it flow SO WELL. It seems she writes the lyrics based more on the melody’s ups-and-downs itself instead of the Japanese syllables, if that makes sense?

Oktavia’s mentioned something similar about rhyming and syllables in Japanese vs English lyrics once

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“it is interesting though that rhyming is so integral to english lyrics but like in other languages (japanese) that sort of culture doesn't exist

my theory is that it's because english has so many different pronunciations to learn rhymes are more appealing 'cause they're rarer? vs japanese where because of the syllable system you can write lyrics that rhyme MUCH easier so it's not as prioritized???? idk”

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The syllable system in Japanese is different from English so maybe it sounds nice in English when a (relatively) complicated syllabic system suddenly has rhymes where it usually wouldn’t…?

Ahaha, anyway, thank you for the ask! I was able to ramble about Datsugoku’s lyrics and gain more insight on the song even after a year…