#I think I messed myself up by trying to figure out what’s wrong/find a community

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling people I don't care about fandom drama unless it somehow directly involved me? Maybe some people will read this and go "what? No???" And if that's the case I'm gonna be snickering to myself but I digress. I'm a digital artist trying to find my footing in this hellscape of an online environment with tumblr being broken as it is and twitter going down in flames slowly, DeviantArt supporting AI and I don't think I need to go on. For a long, long time I was a fandom artist however and one of the 'bigger' names in a fairly small community. I've 'fell off' as they say because of some beef with people I didn't choose to have but hey, tale as old as time with fandoms am I right? We mess up and move on with our lives. SO YEAH that aside, when you've been through stuff like that and grow up a bit you realize that it was all a pretty stupid waste of time and energy and now I'm in my mid-20s and would really just like to focus on my art. I still make fan art for this specific thing and like make fan art for basically anything I enjoy nowadays and just...spread out my skills more so I got a better portfolio and all that. I'm really just vibing so to speak. Then a while ago I got DMed by someone in my server about some beef they were having with another user in my server. The kicker is that none of said beef was actually taking place in my server but in another server owned by the person DMing me. It's as if you're the manager of a starbucks and the manager from the Burger King across the street comes in like 'Yeah your employee was being shitty in my Burger King so I don't think I'll be going to this StarBucks anymore >:(" Like, what do you want me to do with that information? I can't talk to someone about behavior I didn't even see any damning evidence of and I'm not going to accuse someone of something based on something a stranger said. Somehow this conversation went from me explaining that I'm not about to ban someone or adhere to somebody else's 'blacklist' over things I have seen no proof of, to the stranger DMing me that a lot of people 'are intimidated' by me or that I have them blocked 'for no reason' setting off my paranoia like no other. I had recently dealt with being ghosted by friends who turned around and posted a call-out (with zero evidence mind you, not a single screenshot because they in fact, wiped WHOLE ENTIRE chats as they contained proof of the opposite) and those people stalking me for WEEKS, had to start over fresh and everything. So naturally I didn't like this very much and bluntly stated that if I blocked anyone, it's probably for a good reason and that it's not my problem if that somehow hurt their feelings, I need to look out for my own safety online. I fear I was a little TOO blunt because I did say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry but I do not care, I'm too old for fandom drama not involving me, I'm trying to be professional.' and cut the conversation off because I was exhausted and uncomfortable. I've been told that this was a just a weird and wacky instance and that I didn't do anything wrong, that people who do think I did need to go outside and touch grass and all that but hyea, it stuck with me because I worry that people are badmouthing me behind my back a lot. TL,DR: Got told by a follower that other people in our very small community were scared of me, had them blocked for 'no reason' and that somehow hurt their feelings and that my reputation was apparently decided by what my individual followers behaved like in other servers and spaces because apparently one little spat was enough to have someone threaten to distance themselves from me all-together while I wasn't involved at all. So, I figured if anyone is an expert at these fandom shenanigans, it's gotta be the veterans of the tumblr court.

What are these acronyms?

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hey, big fan of the blog. Hoping for some advice with a developing situation i find myself in.

I made a new friend recently and we hit it off really well. We've been talking pretty much every day since then, and we're starting to realize we might have some mild Feelings for each other. We're both ace, they are allo and I am aro (or I thought I was; this may change some things). We're trying to figure out how to proceed and the possibility of a QPR has been raised. I think it would make us both pretty happy and I can't deny that I really want to see where these feelings go.

However, there is a catch.

We're both adults, but in very different life stages, with me being the one with much more life experience. I don't want to mess them up or skew their perceptions or otherwise do anything to hurt them inadvertently. That said, I know that QPRs are different than dating and can be whatever you want them to be. (And can I just say how frustrating it is to finally understand what i actually want from a relationship only for that relationship to have a strange complication) I'm looking for any kind of guidance with this, because if I do the wrong thing, I could really mess them up. And yes, we're talking honestly about where we see the relationship and we're both aware of the huge gap in life stages between us.

Do you have any thoughts or advice on how to approach this?

So these types of things can be really complex, and a lot is going to depend on the details. Not every relationship where one person has more life experience is necessarily a bad one, though it is a good idea to take an active look for potential power imbalances and be aware or correct them where possible. It's also a good idea to think about boundaries and if there's any you need to be aware of. One common example of this is if you're at a place in your life where you're making more money (note: this is just an example, I'm not saying this is or isn't the case for you), if you end up spending a lot more on them than they are on you it may make them feel more beholden to you, even if that's not your intention. So it might be a good idea to create a boundary where you're both spending about equal amounts of money on each other based on what they could comfortably afford.

My biggest no-gos would be if you're in a position of authority or trust (for example boss/employee, medical professional/patient, etc). If there's an age gap, those can be really complicated, but I would say in that case it matters less the difference between your ages than it does how young or how emotionally mature they are in general. And if you feel like you're in too much of a position of authority based on their age/maturity level, it probably won't be a good idea.

But if it's more an issue of you're more established in your life and career, have had more experiences, etc. but they're a mature adult, I would worry less.

One question to ask that may help too is if you do have a relationship and it ends, do you think it's likely they'd be in a better position for having had the relationship or no?

QPRs are also highly variable and can affect things too. For example a QPR where you're both more independent is less likely to cause issues than one that's more codependent. But it is one of the advantages of QPRs that they're heavily customizable and you can purposefully aim to set something up that you feel is less likely to cause issues. Remember there's no rules with QPRs, it can include or not include whatever you want. And as always good communications, and making sure both of you feel free and open to discuss any concerns, to voice when you're uncomfortable, etc. will go a long way too.

Hopefully this is helpful. I'd also encourage doing your own research as well on power imbalances in relationship to get a better idea of what those look like and how to create a healthy dynamic.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

[ephhemeralite]

writing pattern tag game!

post the first line of your last ten posted fics and see if there's a pattern! thanks for the tag, @ful-crum !!!!!

not quite sure how i got here, real glad i've got more than ten fics posted (if only barely), excited to see how it goes

"Aziraphale bustles back into his shop with all of the energy of a raccoon holding a goodie they never expected to stumble across." – no skin like the skin you woke up in (gomens canon divergence au)

"Ed has spent the vast majority of his life as a pirate. Get as old and experienced as he’s gotten – far older and more experienced than he ever expected, mind you – and you form some opinions, about salt and the sea and the way of things." – and i feel so proud when the reckoning arrives (this is two lines so it's cheating but whatever 💚. very dumb black sails/our flag means death crossover)

"The first time Dick notices himself call for Batgirl and the wrong sibling respond, he doesn't think much of it." – no difference between the past and the ground (dick grayson thinks he's going crazy until he realizes [REDACTED])

"Tommy thinks that finding himself stuck through the Blood God’s sword – stuck through – should come as more of a shock to him than it does." – this is mostly what happens in dallas (au of my dsmp hero/villain major character death series where the major character death doesn't happen but it's still not great! hence the wtnv if he had lived title)

"Wilbur drops onto the couch with a groan and some sort of weird, histrion-type flail." – a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun (dsmp hero/villain au, companion piece to the actual mcd, probably my best piece of posted writing)

"He isn't looking for trouble today, but he isn't surprised when the blade of a sword finds him regardless." – the truth is like a sickle (it'll cut you to the middle) (dsmp hero/villain au with the mcd)

"The flickering lights of the tavern seem soft, in the late hours of the night." – drunk in a field (on dandelion wine) (unfinished 5+1 from a folk witch!jaskier universe that i got super super attached to but eventually let go of because my life kept getting more insane and the concept more intricate)

"Peter had spent a lot of time trying to psychoanalyze Neal Caffrey before his capture." – acquainted with the saint of never getting it right (white collar/batfam crossover, dick grayson is neal caffrey, my most popular fic by a chunk)

"Geralt can already tell that Jaskier plans on dragging them both out tonight, probably with quilt, to force him into a night of 'stargazing and communing with nature like we used to!'" – it could feel like an end (to have to keep going) (immortal/modern times geraskier au fic i haven't read since i wrote and posted it in a day. i think it's contemplations on mortality, helplessness, and the climate crisis?)

"Briefly, he contemplates sitting up on the couch to give himself better lung capacity for his incoming tirade, but figures that he may as well put his vigilante training to good use, and continues to lay back." – more like me (less like you) (technically the second line of an emotional conversation between dick and jason, but the first line was dialogue and it is too early for me to mess with quotation marks like that)

so, full disclaimer that i don't post a ton (no skin was last updated in august of last year and more like me was posted in july of 2021) so a lot of this writing is kind of old, but! i did notice that i've tended to open in media res, but recently i have been incorporating more exposition. i've never tried to make my first lines great hooks — i'm honestly more concerned with giving myself a good jumping-off point than anything else. it also struck me how many fandoms i've written for that i no longer engage with, basically at all. maybe i've just been really focused lately, but i don't think a few of these fandoms would hold my attention anymore! ironically, i'm talking about the more recent fandoms like dsmp/gomens/ofmd and not the older stuff like the batfam or the witcher.

this was really fun, i loved looking back through my work like this!! thank you again ful-crum for tagging me :)! i'm gonna tag @doingthewritethings, @b10000p, and @alavenderleaf !!!!!!

[our-aroace-experience]

Hi. So I could really use some advice here because, frankly, I feel like I've exhausted all options. But I also just really need to vent.

I won't get into specifics, just that I'm ace and maybe aro too, but I'm still figuring that part out. I'm perfectly fine with that aspect of myself but I don't feel like I'll be welcomed by my family if I'm out. It's especially troublesome with my dad who, despite my multiple hints, hasn't actually figured it out yet. On top of his disregard for my non-interest in relationships he's said some pretty messed up stuff about the LGBTQIA community. The things that irk me the most are his beliefs that anyone who is gay was clearly molested or raped as a child, and that gay is the only identity he thinks exists. Like... you're either a man who likes men or a woman who likes women. Nevermind the utter misuse of the word, to him there is no other in-between, nuance, or alternative. He thinks any identities pertain solely to how people fuck. And it's just so... infuriating. Mind you, he won't go out of his way to say anything to actual people but that's still a disgusting way of thinking. Which is part of why I don't even talk to him about anything relating to my identity or even anything personal. I never did growing up, and still won't as an adult because he's very bull-headed and acts like a know-it-all. But yeah, I've tried every possible angle to get him to stop being such an ass about that stuff and he just blows it off because, again, he "didn't get old being stupid." His words exactly. I'd like to add how fucking hilarious it is that he acts so knowledgeable on the subject when all of his friends and associates he spends time with are straight.

I don't know. I have zero intention coming out to him, at least directly. It's not like he'll properly acknowledge it and he'd probably explode if he found out it was part of "the acronym" and completely misunderstand anything I explain to him. If he finds out about me through someone else then whatever. But I just hate the way he views people in the community, especially since it's not even his business. He will literally say how "the gays" don't need to argue about rights because all they're doing is having sex differently, and then in the same breath bitch about how wrong it is. And no, he does not see what's wrong with that.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just very agitated by him lately. I'm at my wits' end trying to get him to at least open his mind a little or stfu. If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it.

i think you’ve definitely made the right decision in not coming out to your father. he doesn’t sound like the type of person to even want to be more open minded about those kinds of things. my inbox is always open for vents if you need it

[crimson-rain-smoked-flower]

I’m really sorry to bother you I genuinely just don’t know where to ask this and you seem pretty knowledgeable on the subject.

Ok so this is a genuine question and I’m not trying to be aggressive. I am very sorry if I come off that way as a lot of this is just what I have been taught/personal experience. I am also kind of bad at communicating my thoughts in words I’m sorry. So recently someone I follow reblogged a big answer you gave about pro shipping and it kind of taught me a lot of things. I’m currently in the process of relearning what some ppl on the internet have taught me. But I do still have personal issues. I still think any form of child porn is disgusting and really shouldn’t be spread. I see that it’s a bit less fucked up when the child is fictional but it still feels extremely fucked up and not okay to me. I still do also find issue with pedophilic ships. Fictional incest also fucks me up but I’m like “that’s fine because it isn’t real and they’re both consenting adults?” I just can’t personally deal. And I really can’t understand the labels proship and anti too. Like I used to be anti I think? But I just didn’t like the idea of fictional characters in child porn. Like I understand reading about child rape in a book to learn “this is a fucked up and bad thing that should not happen but it does and we need to acknowledge it” but I don’t like the idea of people drawing children in a sexual sense to jerk off to. Like those feel like different things to me. Just another fyi I’m very conflicted because I have been very shoved into purity culture for a while and only recently am in a transitional stage of realizing the harm it does. I think what I’m trying to say here is I’m trying to understand what I’m supposed to feel? I still for some reason can’t get behind the “it’s just fiction” on child porn. Whereas I seem to be able to be okay with pretty much everything else?I don’t know I’m sorry. I understand blocking it out which is what I have done, I think I have to come to terms with the fact that it will always exist. But I still cannot see myself being okay with it or supporting people okay with it. And when I say supporting no I don’t mean I’m going to go and harass them. I don’t like that idea I’m more the type of person to pathetically ask why if I were to interact with them haha. Speaking of harassment that has always felt icky to me. What I mean is more like just… being okay with it?

I’m sorry if this is just a jumbled mess of words. I’m really trying to figure things out here and it feels almost like a moral dilemma to me that has been going on for a while. If you see this same ask or something similar elsewhere it is probably me trying to ask for advice or help from other for some kind of peace of mind.

first off, thank you for the question. i'm always down to answer questions asked in good faith, and i'll do my best to answer yours.

there's a few angles i want to come at this from, the initial gut reaction, the difference between different portrayals of something, and the sort of "is this okay to be okay with" bit.

your initial reaction to underage ships is disgust, and honestly that's perfectly okay, there's nothing wrong with that. you seem to already get that there's a difference between something that's disgusting to you personally, and something that's morally wrong, which is something that i don't think most antis get. you're allowed to be disgusted by things, while still acknowledging that they're not actually hurting any real people, and therefore there's nothing morally wrong with them.

(as a side note, the exact definitions of anti and proship will probably vary from person to person, but in my opinion, someone who's proship is just someone who understands that harassing people over fictional things isn't okay, and that the best way to deal with things that make you uncomfortable is to curate your own experience. it doesn't have anything to do with what you personally like or dislike, just your way of dealing with it. not to say you must identify by one of those labels, i think its also totally fine to just mind your own business and do your own thing. "proship" has been around longer than the label, it used to be the default position of fandom, with people mostly abiding by SLAS (ship and let ship) and YKINMKATO (your kink is not my kink and that's okay). that is to say, i would already consider you to be proship, but you don't have to label yourself that way if it makes you uncomfortable.)

i think a potentially helpful way of viewing things might be to consider how you feel about violence depicted in media. you don't mention feeling any specific way about it, so i'm going to assume you share the popular opinion that there's nothing inherently wrong about depicting violence in media. with certain exceptions, like not showing replicable violence in children's media, people generally understand that fictional violence is fine.

in the real world, its not like violence is somehow more okay than sexual assault, both are awful things that can cause lasting trauma, but in a society where sex is generally considered more taboo, depictions of sexual assault are often seen as worse, even when there's no real backing for that as both things are equally fictional.

you mentioned that you're okay with portrayals of underage relationships in the context of dark fiction that's intended to provoke disgust or fear or another negative emotion but less so with portrayals that are intended to be erotic in nature, and while that's a perfectly fine distinction to make for your own comfort, its worth bearing in mind that different people are going to make that distinction in different places. many works, especially ones created by survivors to process their own trauma, aren't going to be that cut and dry. additionally, the authorial intentions aren't always going to line up with how the work is perceived.

at the end of the day people are going to make content that makes you uncomfortable, its the unfortunate truth of this world. you're allowed to be uncomfortable with it, you're allowed to not want anything to do with those people. by curating your own internet experience you're already doing a great job at dealing with that.

i'm not just gonna tell you that you have to be okay with sexual content of underage characters, it's something that can be deeply uncomfortable and gross for a lot of people, myself included. but it is fiction, and the creation of it isn't inherently harmful to another human being, so there's no reason it shouldn't be allowed to exist.

i hope this was helpful for you, if you have any followup questions, or there was something i didn't address well enough, please feel free to ask. and don't worry, you didn't come off as aggressive at all.

[royalbilliards]

Now that you’re done, what are your thoughts on our fav failking Maruki?

So I’ve been sitting on this question a while. I didn’t know how to really express my opinions properly that weren’t in the usual comedic tone I pick up when I talk about the things I love, but I really wanted to answer this question wholeheartedly, so here we are!

Firstly, I need to get my actual thoughts about Persona 5 Royal out of the way, because I love this game. I truly and completely love this game, and it’s knocked BOTW out of the number one placement spot for my favourite game of all time. Everything from the characters, story, music, even the UI design have me absolutely floored, and I genuinely cannot think of a game I could say tops it for me. I listen to the soundtrack daily, and constantly think about the game when I can. I have so many complex thoughts about the game I could talk about here, but since this is just about my opinions on Maruki, I’ll keep those to myself.

Moving on, Maruki is, I feel, one of my favourite characters of all time. He’s so interesting and well-written, his motives make sense, and for the audience it’s sympathetic. We understand why he’s doing what he does, even if it’s wrong. He cares a lot about people, but he cares too much, and it’s his downfall. He wants to make everyone happy, and it’s just impossible. He can’t live knowing someone would be slightly upset. He worked for multiple years to create his perfect reality, presumably trying to figure out a way to help everyone he could, when the opportunity to help everyone landed right in his lap. This was the most important thing to him, and it’s admirable as it is stupid. The loss of that desire, the loss of that ability to help everyone he could, his failed reality and the fact that no matter how hard he tried, he still couldn’t succeed did a massive number on his mental state. Though, I feel as though he mostly survived on his need to help people rather than any positive mental state for a while. I mean, the second he loses that desire, loses years of work and watches as it crumbles and shatters around him, he fully gives up and tries to kill himself (something which Ren was in no way shape or form going to allow). His love for people is what drove him, and his love for people almost drove him to his death.

I feel like a lot of people misunderstand Maruki and what he was meant to represent, He's not one of those “rotten adults.'' He's a broken and hurt man who hadn’t been allowed to express his emotions, and suffered hit after hit (his studies being cut short, his lab being turned into a stadium, his fiancé having a mental breakdown and going catatonic) and tried to fight his emotions by helping other people instead of focusing oh himself. Hence him becoming a therapist and trying to help other people out with their problems as opposed to focusing on his own.

I’ve realised people tend to get angry at Maruki because he was a twist villain. They trusted him and he turned out to be the last boss of the game, and whilst this is understandable, it’s also fucking stupid to stay mad. Characters like this tend to get a lot of shit treatment and I’ve seen people complain multiple times about games having obvious villains, only to complain and get genuinely angry when a twist villain is revealed to be a character they got attached to or trusted. (An example of this is Volo from Legends: Arceus.) Maruki is very much one of these. People are allowed to feel how they want, however these communities of people are so loud, and it makes it hard to find accurate and earnest portrayals of the characters. Instead, what's more prevalent is an insane twisting of the truth people do to justify their anger, or portrayals present in order to have a “villain” for fan content. They do this without realising that the point is that anyone can mess up, and Maruki isn’t a villain for what he did.

To me, Maruki represents guilt and trying to catch an elusive “happy ending." The story of the game is riddled with tragedy and it mostly sticks to its guns about keeping these tragedies permanent. The characters wouldn’t be who they were without the sadness that’s befallen them. The reality Maruki tried to make (and what a lot of people who try to “fix” the canon of a story) made no sense for the characterisation of the characters or who they became as a person because the reasons were erased. There is no happy ending to Persona 5, there is no way to fix everything, and I feel a lot of people may have seen Maruki as an attack on this. It’s okay to feel sad about how something ended, but sometimes you just gotta accept it.

This has gotten pretty wordy, and it’s just a long winded way to say that my opinions on Maruki haven’t changed all that much, other than those 4 hours I spent on merciless trying to beat his fucking fight and getting more and more wound up each time I fucking failed. Anyways, the point is I love him, I love the game, and if anyone is meanies to him again I’ll fucking kill them all with my autism laser beams.

[foggyparadisecandy]

On Making Room for Good People

Life is funny and the journey can take you places you weren't expecting.

I think when we are younger and starting out, it's easy to be uncertain in many ways about the choices in front of us. I think that's natural because we haven't done a lot of stuff yet - and we don't know how the world really operates. So we can have anxiety - whether we understand it or not - and fear of "making the wrong choice" or "screwing things up".

We spend a lot of time worrying about stuff that doesn't matter in the long run and we miss out on the really big things that do matter.

It's interesting to be older now and realize I have a different perspective than my younger self - and people I love who are younger.

These days I know one of the most important things is to find people I vibe with and figure out ways to find room in my life for them.

Because people matter. And the right people matter A LOT over the course of your life.

Having someone who supports us and loves us and cares for us and will go to war for us, to protect us, to defend us, to show us how to stand up for ourselves and make a better life ... fucking irreplaceable.

Imagine finding a place for someone like that in your life and what an impact that they can make over the course of the coming years as you face new challenges and encounter new opportunities.

The funniest thing is that I know my younger self was a mess and would not have accepted that advice. lol

I was lost, hurt, angry, hating on myself, hating on others ... not intentionally. I didn't realize until recently that I grew up in a horrible, dysfunctional household - I was primed to hate myself and people please.

Ahhhhh .... either way. People make their own choices and have to figure stuff out on their own. I don't begrudge anyone their choices. I myself would not have appreciated my current self. How can I judge others?

Either way, we all make our own way in life.

It makes me happy to know that the people I love are watching out for themselves, taking care of themselves, PLANNING and HOPING for a brighter future than what they have currently in their lives.

And I'll be over here, doing my thing, and building my future. And if I can help, I would be happy to. But they have to choose to make space for me. Or not. And if they can't figure out how to fit me in to their lives, I won't take it personally. Whatever - I can't control other people. (not even with hypnosis lol)

Also true: I am no longer interested in emptying myself for others, or fretting over people who don't appreciate me.

Simple, right?

Took a lot of self-work to figure this stuff out. No matter how much I care about someone else, I refuse to accept being unappreciated.

Fiona Apple has a great line: "I don't appreciate people who don't appreciate."

(her next line is equally good: "All that loving must have been lacking something if I grew bored trying to figure you out.")

I'm fortunate because I've met a wonderful person who supports me as I support her. I love seeing her make strides forward to build a better life.

It makes me feel good to hear from her, and share ideas and strategies with her, and encourage her, and hear her encouragements of me.

Life doesn't have to be overly complicated. It's nice to be with people who appreciate and support us and we do the same for them. I will go to war for her.

I'm trying to not become addicted to her because that didn't end well last time around for me. lol

We have a strong, open communication style where we regularly share our feelings - good and bad - and have agreed to keep an eye on things.

We'll see. <3

[cersworld]

scene ²⁴

y/n has had just about enough with the general public and their inability to keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves. park jisung likes to think he's living his best life, which he kind of is. park sunghoon likes to portray himself as someone calm and collected, someone who has their life together; he likes to pretend he’s everything he's not. luckily, sim jaeyun seems to be with him every step of the way.

WARNINGS: swearing, mild violence, stereotyping, queer characters, emotional vacancy (she can't express her emotions well, outwardly), jay is definitely presented as the bad guy so be warned, a lot of feels, identity crises (not really?), inappropriate jokes (sexual and worrying *cough* eg. ED/binging, alexithymia *cough*), etc.

TAGLIST: @prettysung @polarisjisung @spiderrenjunfics

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“sunoo, what role do you think i play in the group?”

the boy pauses from where he’s tapping away at his phone on the bed opposite him, turning to look at him as he tilts his head in confusion, “what? you’re obviously the visual.”

“huh.” and then he’s getting out of bed and walking into the kitchen as sunoo continues to stare him down before shrugging to himself and going back to whatever he was doing on his phone at this hour.

1:26.

park sunghoon doesn't know what he's doing anymore.

the past he had worked so hard to hide was now laid bare, visible to anyone who wished to see it. and everyone did.

no matter how hard he worked, he was back to square one. the retired ice skater, the one who used to skate, ice prince. all that effort, and still nothing.

the identity he had worked so hard to build from scratch came tumbling down in a matter of milliseconds, falling to his feet, peppering his jeans with ash and dust, and his soul with cuts that don’t want to heal.

he wanted to scream, to yell, to rampage because what the hell did he do wrong?! he had spent a whole year in America, had gone and turned into ‘benjamin park’ and yet, no one knew of that. not a single soul that claimed to know him so well and care for him so much. not his fans, not his band, not even his company. 

sure, he had struggled, and it was a little embarrassing that he had spent a whole year there and yet he still couldn’t speak even a lick of the language, couldn’t communicate with anyone or even order an americano without messing up and having to pretend he meant to order whatever the hell he did. yet, it was one of the best periods of his life. he had been able to breathe after god knows how long, and he had found someone who could understand him even when he couldn’t understand himself, and he didn’t even need to know the language to understand how special that was. what he had with you, has with you… hopefully.

and yet, he had left. Left the safety of you, and your presence, and your you-ness, to this. to people who knew him for his face and his skates. to breathlessness and home. to his family, to the media, to everything he loved and couldn’t fucking stand. he had stopped ice skating two whole years ago, and yet, it meant everything to everyone around him. he had spoken on the topic numerous times, had told people over and over, and nothing.

"to be honest, what I really think these days is that I've done quite a lot related to ice skating since the debut. So maybe the time has come to finally say goodbye. After all, I'm not a figure skater anymore – I'm Sunghoon from Enhypen. And as a member of Enhypen, I really want to show a new side of myself." He had plucked up the courage to say in one particular interview, only to be awkwardly brushed off and to later find that they had scrapped the whole section out of their video.

Sunghoon didn't really know what to think anymore. Was it really worth it? Busting his ass in this profession, spending hours upon hours trying to improve when all anyone ever cared about was his past. A past he had buried alive to keep himself alive. A past that everyone loved digging up and inspecting.

A tap turned off and sound of water gushing onto metal stopped as Sunghoon stepped into the kitchen, dazed and blank-faced – an expression his whole group had already gotten used to by now.

“Sunghoon?” a voice called out gently, causing him to tilt his head and make eye contact with his young leader. His little everything.

“Hey, won.” the elder replied, just as gently, as he reached up to ruffle the boy’s hair.

“What’s got you so upset?” the boy hums, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch.

Sunghoon grins, sharp canines coming into view as he marvels at the boy’s resemblance to a kitten, “i’m not upset baby.”

And then he’s instantly hit with the reality that this small boy is a black belt in taekwondo and a little too good at faking the whole ‘soft boy’ act. Because, before he knows it, he’s crouched on the ground, arm curled protectively around his stomach as yang jungwon stands in front of him with crossed arms and an adorable scowl set into his features.

"Don't lie to me. I hate liars." The boy reprimanded

"I'll never tell." The older boy wheezed out from where he was practically rolled up on the floor in front of him. "never."

Never. You don't deserve that.

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[ballet-belle306]

~Please Prioritize Your Health~

Trigger Warning: weight loss and mention of ED

I just wanted to post because I know a lot of girls in the communities I'm involved in want the 'waif' body, and some accounts tend to glamorize the sickly thin look. I want to reiterate, some people have naturally very thin bodies, and there is nothing wrong with that. They deserve no more shame that those of us who are plus sized. But I've seen many pages that promote pro-ana things, and that's really concerning to me. You just look up weight loss on here, and it's all pro-ana rhetoric, and that's really not okay, especially on a site with young minds.

I just want to say, as an adult and someone who is on a major weight loss journey, I really want to emphasize how important it is to take care of yourself. You can get down to a healthy weight while still enjoying the food that you like, and you can feel good, too. I've lost quite bit of weight, and it's already made my body feel a lot more comfortable. No matter where you're starting, whether you want to lose 10 pounds or 100, there's healthy ways to do it. Please don't starve yourself, or give into that self-destructive drive in your brain. I know from experience that there's something alluring about giving into those dark sides in your mind, and I'm here to tell you that it's never worth it. Your health and happiness is worth so much more than you think you deserve. You're worthy of the self love that drives healthy habits and meets needs.

I can really only go off my own experience, so take some of this advice with a grain of salt.

Some pointers to losing weight healthfully;

Get a calorie counting app. I use Lose It, which I find to be really good. Make sure you find the verified items when logging. Some people input incorrect calorie information, and log calories as being more or less. Find an app where you can scan the items. Follow the guide it gives you; it's okay to be a little bit under or a little bit over. It's just a good way to figure out where you're at and what you need.

Find a good community for support. Whether it's friends, family, or an online community. Don't fall for pro-ana communities. There's a lot of them, and it's important to find communities that support healthy weight loss and healthy habits. These communities will tell you to regularly go below 900 calories, which is not healthy. 900 calorie diets are typically for extreme cases, typically people who are super morbidly obese (typically 300+ pounds) and are in emergency cases where they absolutely need to drop weight quickly. The least you should do is regularly around 1,100 calories, unless you're fasting. I may make another post on fasting by itself because while it's a healthy way to lose weight, there are dangerous ways people go about it.

On a similar note, do not fall for healthy at every size communities. These communities spread mass amounts of misinformation, and will shame you for trying to prioritize your health and lose weight in any way. You can be overweight and still be beautiful and just as amazing as anyone else, but this community is very dangerous, and is just as toxic as pro-ana communities.

Remember that mental health and bodily health coincide. If you have 50+ pounds to lose, there's a chance you have an unhealthy relationship with food. Working on your relationship with food is incredibly important in order to lose weight.

Forgive yourself if you fall off. Remember that if you slip up, you're not starting all over again. You're starting from experience. It's completely normal to slip up, and you should expect it to happen. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a self love journey, and forgiveness and acceptance is part of self love.

Practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism. Self criticism, if you're anything like me, might look like, "I have to do this because I'm a screwed up and I ruin everything". Self-compassion is more like, "I know I messed up, but I'm going to do better and make it right because I love myself and deserve better". Fixing your inner-monologue is incredibly important.

I hope this helps! Remember, you're taking care of yourself because you're worth it. You can be beautiful at any size, you can follow these trends at any size. Lose weight for you if you want to, but do it healthfully. <;3

[wisteria-lodge]

unBurnt lion primary (badger model) + badger secondary

Hello! It’s nice to meet you (and I hope I’m in the right place for this)! I’ve followed you for quite a long time and I really enjoy your thoughts. I was wondering if you could help me out with my primary? I’m fairly certain I’ve figured out my secondary (badger), but I’m struggling with my primary–it could be either badger or lion (both answers I’ve gotten), or maybe even a twist from left field (bird?).

All right, let’s sort you out :D

The only primary I think I certainly don’t have is Snake, though I think I wanted to be a Snake. Growing up, I was obsessed with the idea of having a best friend. When I finally got a best friend, we grew incredibly codependent, so much so that it was devastating when she broke up with me 

Hmmm. All things being equal, this sounds like a Badger primary. They’re probably the most in danger of going co-dependent. But young Snake is also possible - young Snakes tend to put a LOT of importance on best friends and first romantic partners, and I do think it’s interesting that the way you phrased it, you and your friend “broke up.” But, a Burned Lion latching onto an external source is also possible. 

(I couldn’t choose between her and the potential blowback of my community, who I thought wouldn’t support me, leaving me friendless where I was living. I made no choice. She left).

Oooh, that sounds pretty darn Badger. At very least, an intense Badger model. 

The only person I really trust fully anymore is my mom, but I recognize that she’s not always right, and I’ll argue against her when she’s not. 

Probably not a burned Idealist (at least not right now.)  

I think sometimes love, to me, is permission to be a lot more honest with people. 

First, that is an absolutely beautiful way to think about love. A very relatable way to think about love. But that focus on honesty and authenticity... does tend to be a Lion thing. 

I think I’m a badger primary because of patterns. When I moved as an adolescent, I felt completely unmoored, and I immediately tried to find a community to attach myself onto. But I don’t necessarily think I took my morality from the group of people I was with; rather, I tried to do things I thought would be best for the group, after understanding how it worked. 

That is the description of a Badger secondary, which we know you are.

There was an element of the group that desperately lacked, so I created a one-woman-stop where I essentially did four tasks at once so that we would have this strong structure that would benefit everyone. 

Yeah, you’re a LOUD Badger secondary. Badger secondaries are all about that sort of “The DnD party needs a healer, I guess I’m playing a cleric,” kind of mentality. 

My friends called me out for not delegating well, 

A common Badger secondary problem. We do tend to think “but what if we worked harder” :/

so I tried to fix it by creating a team (which felt strange. I love to work, but I would hate to devalue anyone by not accepting their help when offered). When the team’s work wasn’t very strong, I asked them to make it stronger. I had very strong feelings about the “right” and “wrong” way to do things, and about the kind of quality of work we needed to put out (which: was I taking this too seriously and potentially being hard on people who were helping me? Probably. It would have been different if we had been just messing around, but people were counting on us to do good work, and we had to make it count. Plus, I like doing work I’m proud of.) 

ugh, the CURSE of the group project. This is one of the reasons that I *do* think Badger secondaries often struggle as team *leaders.* I mean you can train yourself out of this mindset of course. But still. Annoying. (and the temptation to just do everyone else’s work is still there.) 

Now, in a new location in a new community, after hearing what hurts the group and the common problems are (and getting extremely frustrated) I decided to try and organize us so we can fix it. I hate complaining about something that could be fixed without trying to fix it 

I think whatever community/communities you’ve been part of have been extremely Badger. I want to say that this is a very Badger way of thinking about things - it’s pointless to talk about the problem unless you also have the solution.

and I’m tired of watching my friends get hurt. I try to join communities that agree with and support my morals, 

See, I’m really leaning more Lion primary for you. You’re using a lot of Badger language, but it seems a little more external and conscious, while when you talk about Lion... that’s just the way things are. Morals first, communities second, that’s a Lion way of thinking about it. With Badgers, the community becomes the morality. They have this way of picking up and carrying the communities they’re a part of with them. 

but I also very deeply believe that we can make things better in communities that are worth it. 

I would hope that any primary could/should be able to believe this. 

I feel like that sounds fairly lion, but sometimes I can’t tell where my ideals end and my communities begin, because so much of what I believe is based around the way people deserve to be treated. 

You almost certainly have Badger-flavored morals, and ALSO you’ve got that Badger secondary which is extremely concerned with things being done *fairly* and *right.*

I know that I tend to have an idea of certain codes people should follow and beliefs people should have. A lot of it I get from my parents; they taught me a lot about everyone’s value as people, about being kind to others, and about hard work. A lot of it I learned from the leftist internet in my teenage years. I learned during that period the downsides of “outsourcing” my moral code. 

Hmm. “Outsourcing” your moral code is an interesting way to put it, and honestly sounds much more like Burned Lion than anything else. I don’t think any other primary would put it quite that way. I wonder if I was right with my first guess, and you *were* burned when you were younger. 

While the opinions I was expressing were ones the people around me shared, and I still believe in a lot of what was said, I don’t think the way in which I went about those movements was always empathetic. 

While this could be a few different things depending on the circumstances, I relate HARD to that Lion Badger combination of “I don’t regret what was said; I regret the specific way I said it.” 

I do believe that there is no hierarchy of humans and that we’re all in this together, but I also know that I’m inherently pretty judgemental (as much as I try to appear like I’m not). When someone does something I think is really rude, or expresses a belief I have problems with (nothing big, but maybe something small), I don’t share with them as much, and we become less close. They still deserve fundamental human respect, but I trust them less.

Yeah. You’re an idealist. You’re a Lion. No wonder this was so relatable, we house match. 

I know this got fairly long winded and I’m sorry; I tried to edit it down. I hope you’re having a lovely day! Thank you so much!

You are very welcome, and I thought this was quite short and to the point. 

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

Aight let me try to establish some things about this thing which may or may not end up being part of the Moth Wizard universe just so I can tell myself that I'm not neglecting that to start a new project.

Concept background: I had a dream there was a TV show where a group of 5ish young adults being found dead together covered in blood so some mysterious figure brings them back to life hoping they'll avenge themselves, and leaves without realizing they all came back wrong and with amnesia and don't even know their own names let alone who killed them but they return to their lives and try to figure out who they're supposed to be without letting anyone know what happened to them while also trying to find the killer. They're also undead and don't feel pain or bleed or die so that's another thing they have to try to hide. They sometimes get flashbacks and glimpses at their lost memories and one plot point I remember coming from this was that one of them remembered kissing a girl and assumed that was her girlfriend and kissed her publicly then found out she had a boyfriend and she tried to save it by saying she was tired of being in the closet but the girl she kissed hates her now because she was also in the closet and she outed her even though she promised it would be a secret! Also I'm pretty sure the undead characters were mostly rivals, exes, and similarly having beef with each other when they were alive, which made it suspicious that they were so friendly all of a sudden (because being resurrected together is a binding experience and so is being the only people who know you're dead).

What I've additionally decided about the characters since: There's exactly five of them, two girls, two boys, one enby, and one of each binary gender is cis. The enby (any pronouns) has a beard and I will not tell you her AGAB. The lesbian in the aforementioned plot point is the cis girl, but only because of like a closeted lesbian who is cis is a different situation socially from a closeted lesbian who is trans like if you're already openly trans you can't play the unassuming cishet by getting a boyfriend and if you're still in the closet about being trans you have even less reason to date a boy if you're not into boys y'know? (I will acknowledge that some eggs misinterpret their gender feelings as homosexuality but if she's closeted as a lesbian she'd probably be closeted as a gay man too and I'm putting way too much thought into this sorry) To remedy this I've decided she ends up falling in love with the trans girl later on. Oh also several of their genders change slightly when they die, mostly just flavor changes like adding pronouns and such, but the one who was a cis guy when he was alive is agender now (he/they/it). They killed his freaking gender man that's messed up. One of them (can't decide who but not the cis girl she can't hog all the plot) is Jewish bc apparently I need to have Jewish main characters and their arc will focus on Judaism and how their relationship with it changes with everything they go through. They're Ashkenazi mainly because that's what I'm most familiar with and qualified to write and if I write something else I'm going to accidentally make it Ashkenazi at some point simply because I didn't know a thing was exclusively an Ashkenazi thing. They're conservative/Masorti because I think that's the context I want their arc to take place in, based on my understanding of different communities, not so strict that they would break a hundred mitzvot on their first undead day that they wouldn't have broken in life or that they'll have too significant problems if they become less observant during their character arc, but not so relaxed that they wouldn't be properly accommodated if they become more observant during their character arc (e.g. shul not keeping Shabbat or family not keeping kosher), but I'll be the first to admit that my perspective on this is mainly informed by a modern orthodox perspective and some of my assumptions may be wrong and this lore is not set in stone. My general idea for their arc is before dying they're not the most religious but they do care and participate in the culture, but after dying, most of their connection is gone because they don't remember it, and they feel further alienated from it by the fact that they're forced to pretend to be the person who did care before they've had a chance to figure out why they should care. There's conflict, there's questions about their death and undeath and how being undead isn't really compatible with a complete rejection of faith (although you certainly can make up whatever explanation you want, it's not like necromancy and zombies prove Hashem is real specifically, but like you must accept that something exists that can mess with death itself), and eventually I, as a future convert, do want them to find their way back home, on their own terms, and I think they'll be closer to it when they've done so. Also this paragraph was meant to be shorter than the last wow mission failed.

Questions to be asking: First of all which one of you is Jewish? Second of all should it be more than one? Thirdly what are y'all's names and like what cultures do the gentiles have going on and on a connected note races (in my dream they were all white but I have the conscious power to do better)? How old are these kids?? What are the other plots everyone's got something going on not just the lesbian and the Jew what do the rest have going on? Where was I going with this post I forgot somewhere along the way explaining everything I do know? What do I call this story?

Not a question: Who is the killer? I know who the killer was, it was revealed in the season finale in my dream but I'm not spoiling it :P

[imaginarybestie]

burning questions

Hey there D,

I wrote you recently in real life, saying that there might be burning questions that I'd like to ask you. I didn't know if you'd be open to recieving such questions, or to possibly trying to answer them. I told you that I might not think of such questions that often. Just once in a while, there's this burning impulse to ask someone something, about life, about relationships, about the social circle that we both frequent, and perhaps things related to that.

Related to how I interact, or how I could interact, or related to how I might come across to people. Trying to figure out my social skill mess and improve and have a better chance to make real friends who are adults, not just my teenage child, and not only imaginary friends. Not just relatives who put up with me or very fleeting and infrequent interactions with people online who could hardly even be called casual friends. Hardly even really acquaintances, either. People who only know each other based on some online persona and the little world where we meet online, which is structured according to certain narrow ideas and norms.

Though, really, online groups can be just as real as the real life ones, in many ways, or even realer, in some ways. Certain topics that would never be even given the time of day can be the source of deep, thorough, fascinated discussions, online. But be that as it may, the truth is that for me, that hasn't happened much in the community that you and I visit. I write a lot there, sometimes, when I'm in the mood. And then it gets mostly uncommented upon.

It even seems to me that lately the same thing is occuring with many other people there too. The whole community seems to be getting more and more distant and aloof. It feels like people often really put a lot of thought and heart into the things that they write there, and they often go out on a limb, sharing things that are pretty weird and off-the-wall and likely to be either ignored or even scorned, in most places.

But in that community, there's a lot of weirdness and uniqueness, and people usually are pretty kind and unlikely to be scornful to anyone, at least, not openly so. But despite the relative safety of posting there without being treated in a rude manner, it feels kind of sad and lonely and hurtful to me, in a way, watching them put their hearts and souls and live and ideas and creativity out there, and then getting little to no response from anyone.

Yet, look at me. I intentionally try to avoid getting responses, and I find a little niche to tuck myself out of sight, practically putting a "go away" sign there. Well, not exactly. I let it be known I am ok with people reading what I say, but I don't want to actually talk or get comments from anybody.

Because when I did try to talk in the past, well, it often led to feeling deeply misunderstood and getting all hurt and sad and lonely and feeling that no one on the whole planet earth will ever really understand or care about my real self, but instead they'll forever give me totally wrong advice and put me in some box that I find to be highly upsetting, something that totally doesn't get me and that I really don't relate to or like. It hurts, because even if I know they mean well, or at least, I hope they do, still, I feel as though I might just as well be talking to a tree, deep in the woods, or not talking, not thinking, not hoping to be heard, cared about, understood.

All the deep problems and questions and ideas and dreams and hopes and plans and needs and ideals, that I have, well... They might as well just be kept to myself if no one will really get them at all. But I might need other people to help me solve my problems, answer my questions, get my needs met, act my plans out with me, plans which might require more than just me and my child, live my dreams, dreams that might require others to participate or perhaps an audience to share things with. So it's possible that maybe, I can just learn how to do without anyone else's input or help or feedback and without their liking and understanding me.

But until I feel confident that I really can make it ok without others' input, ever, then I feel the need to maintain this delicate bubble of illusion that maybe someone cares and gets me the way I might need them to do. But to avoid them proving that they don't really get me at all, I just want to put myself out there, in public, able to be heard, but I don't want to let them talk back. Then I know they might hear, understand and care. And I don't know if they don't hear, understand, or care. It's that healthy level of hopeful possibility, my best bet at this point, it seems, however pathetic that might seem to most normal people who seem to have a much easier time getting their social needs for understanding and relating met by various other people.

Well, anyway, D, the burning questions, yeah, there's a lot of burning questions I might want to ask you, and see what you think. There's things related possibly to life, to spirituality, philosophical topics, sociological, things related to humanity, kindness, love, family, anthropology, all kinds of things that are close to my heart, mind and soul. I will see what I come up with over time, and what feels fresh and ready to talk about. This could be an illusion, even though I feel as if there are so many questions lurking under the surface, waiting to be asked, that I want to ask you so much.

But it seems that some part of my traumatized brain tends to freeze up when it comes to things such as this, and when I think of a good idea to ask or to discuss with someone, it often leaves my mind soon afterwards, and between getting the good idea and having it flee my mind, there's a whole lot of anxiety that inhibits my ability to talk with the person in a clear-headed way. If I do try to bring up the subject, I'm liable to go off the rails and lose my train of thought and the topic might turn into something else other than what I had originally intended it to be like. So I will see what happens with all that.

But anyway, maybe since this here on this blog is only the imaginary friend D, and not the real person, perhaps it might be more low pressure. But if anything happens to cast some feeling of strain, pain, awkwardness or disillusionment over my interactions with the real D, then it might become hard to muster up the illusory imaginary friend D anymore, or with as much idealism and creative inspiration for him anymore. I'll see, we'll see I guess, D, I hope but I don't want to get my hopes up too much.

I just want to get in touch with my real dreams, my real self, what's important to me, in the context of what I want to share with others who get me, too. So I hope that imaginary you can help with that, D. Especially since it seems to me you might be a soulmate, and soulmates seem to have an energy that responds to my own, even when I don't talk but think of them or write them unsent letters and imagine them and such. So maybe, maybe, we'll see I guess.

-C

[mentallydeadartist]

Look who's back with another rambling post :,)

Well, let's just start with the usual, so I'll be opening up the box that is "Stranger by the shore" and like last time this is like a continuation of me blabbering to my friend 💀 so this is what I started with:

"It's way too fast paced. Also they focused on the wrong stuff. Like if you're already having bad pacing then I don't need a 5 min scene (or more) of them fucking. Like???

And the relationship is 1. Rushed, like they have known each other for like a while (I'd say a month but maybe even a few more months (I'd hope)) and then one of the guys needs to leave and the other is left to ponder for 3 years. Then when he gets back he (obv, he literally got back for him) starts flirting and what not so much that the other guy is just going deep down internalized homophobia and is brushing him off. He starts being distant and telling him "are you sure this is what you want" and man literally pulls out "you sure you don't want a girlfriend rather than having me?". 2. The internalized homophobia guy needs to sort some stuff out. He's way too quick when it's a stupid choice he's making. Like for example his fiance (who he broke off the engagement with even before meeting the other guy) is back to tell him about his dad. And while he fosters no feelings for her, when she asks "give a kiss goodbye, so that I'll be able to forget you" the motherfucker thinks for like two seconds ("oh yeah, that'll make it easier for her, so she'll leave me alone"). And mind you, he didn't even think about his fucking boyfriend. The other guy was literally on the side, he was gonna cheat. Without asking, without even realizing it 💀."

Like I said, it was way too fast paced for me.

And yeah it's a movie so "what were you expecting" idk. I guess I just think they could've done it better if some things were cut and some other scenes were given more time. I like the flashbacks tho, those were quite needed and at the right time too. I also get why they would want to show them flirting (or at least, Mio trying to flirt) to not have them rush too much (which, not only is it kinda playing into the "gay men rush thru every relationship they have" stereotype but also it's giving their story way less meaning) and they still failed, cause It's still too fast.

I have to say that this story would've done better as a longer film, a series would've been complicated to articulate tho. It's a rather weird situation.

I also find that it doesn't make sense for Mio to come back?? Like why would you. The "you helped me figure myself out" is not enough at all??? Why would you go back to someone you don't even know that well? How do you know he waited for you? We don't even know if they talked on the phone as much. Shun seemed shocked to talk to him, so I'd assume not. I'd understand if he (Mio) were to be grateful, as shun spent his time with him when his mom passed and didn't treat him like a good action, just like a normal person. And was still there by his side to help him through it. But not what Mio said to him.

Maybe the dub was also a mistake but it was 2 am and I was not gonna watch more subbed content.

Also the "almost cheating" thing just pisses me off. Like not only did shun just go for it (which, at least ask, like it makes sense why you would but you're not single my guy) but Mio kissed her, which you're not better than him??? Like yeah she's disappointed because it wasn't shun who kissed her, but it's still cheating bc again, Y'ALL HAD NO COMMUNICATION IN ALL OF THIS.

Also it's disgusting how after he completely messes up, shun just comes over and thinks he can make it better with kisses. Like I get if it's a small fight, but y'all both need to fucking talk because this could be getting more toxic if that isn't the case.

And then they fuck and it's anticlimactic as hell.

Like why was that even there????

"ah yeah, if people are watching, we might as well let them fuck" ??? What

Like yeah sure, pent up sexual frustration from both of them and also they're young so it's normal for them to make stupid choices.

But also they're both 20, fucking isn't gonna fix the lack of communication??

Also whose horrible idea was it to let Mio just wander with him?? Excuse me, what is he, a dog?? Mio is literally fixing everything in Shun's life and he's still getting dragged along like that. Let the guy rest istg. Now what's gonna happen? His dad is gonna be even more mad at him for being gay and then he'll sulk to Mio and he'll have to carry to burden of that too. And I get it, maybe Mio (somehow) thinks that Shun helping him is enough for what he's doing, but hm sorry to break it to you, but no way.

So if you're still planning to watch it, then just know it's some fujo bait or smt cause ain't no way it isn't 💀

[naes-dairy]

yk what since I decided to check my account again (after a measly week or so) I guess I'll vent here

Hey so. If you don't wanna hear a kid in their late teens rant about life n stuff then I suggest you leave. But it's not like anyone would really be reading this anyways.

So.. I guess I'll have to write down my collective of thoughts

1. Growing Up

I've been feeling terrible lately because of all that responsibility that's gonna get thrown on my shoulders. In afraid of messing up, of the worst case scenario. It's most likely not gonna happen, but I know deep down it terrifies me. Otherwise, I wouldn't cry about it. I'm already getting small teaching jobs just cause my parental figure wants me to start making money already.. not that I'm doing any good. It just sucks and I don't feel any good about it.

2. Outcast

Now then, the title for this section or whatever.. I couldn't find the right word for it. Basically, in struggling to find my community, a place where I feel like I belong. I have friends who care about me, I care about people that have literally never held s conversation with me before. It sucks, it feels like I'll never be able to have a deep bond with someone because I suck at talking to people or even just letting people get close to me. I do nothing and I hate myself for it.

3. No Motivation

Yes yes I know I probably have depression but I literally don't know who or how to talk about it. I've tried to get therapy in s rather roundabout way, but.. well, time flies and I don't really wanna put stuff about my family online. I feel like I'm just doing things because that's what I'm supposed to do, and there are less reasons for me to want to do anything other than "I need to make money" yk.

2. Spectrum

I didn't know what to call this either as neurodivegent is a broad term that covers more than just adhd or autism, so I think I might just cut this section short; I'm autistic and I'm already struggling in some ways, but I think I might have I diagnosed adhd too. This sucks as my parental figure also has adhd and although I have told her multiple times I want a diagnosis, nothings followed through. I'm also too tired to do anything and really forgetful when I focus on other things.

4. Love

I don't know how to talk about this, it runs deep. Basically, I'm sad that I've never fallen in love before, but honestly I'm not surprised. I've literally never been able to make friends on my own, what do I expect. I also think I want a lot of attention but obviously trying to be that girl would make me uncomfortable.

5. Low self esteem

This is probably the problem that's stemmed into everything else. I just feel like I suck or I could do better. Like if someone compliments me, sure it's nice but.. something's I feel like they're just doing it out of obligation, or they're just trying to be nice. Either that or I feel like I could've done better, so they're actually wrong. See what this brain is telling me? It's total bs but I still feel that way. What am I supposed to do if I know it's lies but it feels like the truth?

TL;DR I need help immediately. Fun. Ok, goodbye.

(p.s. I think I might have social anxiety but it's also probably my autism plus how awkward I am. I overthink wayyyy too much)

[perpetual-fool]

Haven't done anything interesting yet. I have not solved things. I am in a lot of pain.

I'm pretty sure the feeling 'sorry' is just because of the pain, and what hurts is not being able to make sense of things. But I can't make sense of other people's things, so I'm gonna have to make my own things.

I'm not sure what I want exactly, and I really don't know how to describe it. I'd phrase it as 'I want thing to make sense, to be congruent' but that isn't nearly specific enough. Sometimes it's like I want to find the most efficient solution, considering all the available information. Sometimes it's like there's an obvious problem that should have a solution but doesn't. And sometimes things are just a mess, and there's lots of random bits that don't go together.

Like, right now I have this hypothesis about guitars and string tension. I suspect multi-scale instruments have better intonation (more in tune) because that results in more tension on the lower strings. So if I just use the right sizes of strings on a regular guitar then it should also intonate better. But I don't have a regular guitar. So I'm deliberating over whether I should buy this used SG to test my hypothesis. But even if it works, that would raise a bunch of new problems. What type of strings? what pickups? why do different amplifiers sound different? and the whole soldering thing, which I've had poor experiences with. And I'm not sure I even like guitar in the first place.

Suppose I did all that. Suppose I have the perfect thing and everything in the cluster all makes sense. It's not like I'm happy after I sort something out. The moment of revelation feels nice, but after that it sorta just disappears and I'm onto the next problem. But it's not like these are fun puzzles, it's like I'm a bad person if I can't figure out the platonically perfect use case of the banjolele. But also, if the perfect thing I come up with doesn't exist, then I'm also a bad person because it must be wrong. 'Bad person' is purely social, right?

Then the root of all this, is how others force me to conform to their way of thinking. I don't really want to get into the specifics again. But I would've needed someone to understand me, and respond in a way that's logically consistent with that. Since I'm a freak, that's not gonna happen. Not with real people at least.

So I guess, I need to be having 'normal' everyday conversations with my imaginary friends, not just crisis stuff. I'm not sure I even know how to communicate if it's not trying to explain myself or asking for explanations. I guess we'll figure something out.

I feel a bit better now. Hopefully I'll still feel better in the morning.

[rabbitindisguise]

Acutely frustrating things is breaking down my behaviors again and seeing where I went wrong because there's usually a repeat of patterns I'm trying to break and new problems in my behaviors that are upsetting to find out about. And it's like, post-embarrassing, but worse, a kind of . . . I'm not sure how differently I could have done it to prevent the problems I couldn't understand until I observed them with the added skilled and perspective I've gained in the last ten months? There are some obvious mistakes but I did commit to a lot of things with resolve I lacked before. And yet! I still am disappointed in myself because these things were still really hurtful, and understanding why they were so hurtful is a necessary part of the process that I often neglected in the past because it hurt to think about.

I also know that not saying how I messed up is another key piece, like if I don't admit to anything I didn't do anything wrong, but that's just not true and it's much more healing to admit that I did something wrong because it helps people feel cared for that I'm listening attentively and trying to do better. I feel like this time around I was able to:

clearly narrow down and communicate the specific things that were upsetting to me

try to keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions

maintain communication despite getting overwhelmed

remembering to write down and start teaching myself the skills that we were talking about

things I didn't do well:

I didn't avoid projecting like I wanted to

I was not good at actually staying calm

I didn't aggressively combat judgmental thoughts enough

I spent too much time focusing outwardly for Problems when I needed to focus inwardly on identifying my emotions and the causes

I got fixated on any potential negative thing instead of actually trying to figure out what I cared about and being tolerant of mistakes (and things that aren't mistakes because they don't actually hurt anyone especially me specifically)

I was often forgetting to practice the things I want to do to show compassion for other people even when really upset

I didn't effectively avoid being angry all over the place when I'm upset, and actually deconstructing my upset ness to fundamental parts (which are not angry, but usually sadness, fear, discomfort, etc)

And I totally failed to keep up my habits that make treating others well easier

This saturday I'm going to prioritize journaling and slime rancher before I get more into nailing down all the problems. I still have responsibilities (shopping, laundry, housing stuff, hearing stuff, etc) but this is really important to me. I feel like I can't put my best self forward to confront my problem behaviors if I'm not adequately doing the things that I do currently know that work.