#I think I messed myself up by trying to figure out what’s wrong/find a community

[sensitivegoblin]

I think there’s something really wrong with me but all of the in person therapists are booked till 2023 :(

[goldennightengale]

Are you doing requests? How about the house wardens x reader where reader has a symbiote (like venom) attached to themselves

Thank you so much for requesting! Apologies for the late reply, my college has been dragging me through the mud as of late and I couldn't bring myself to work on this for a while. But here you go!

Warnings: Mentions of cannibalism (?), chapter 6 spoilers

Dormleaders with a S/O who has a symbiote!

Since the day you found your little pile of screaming goop, you have become the host of a symbiote called “Cryptid”. The zealous creature, which is more bratty than murderous, has taken a liking to your voice and has almost perfected its mimicry of you. 

Your relationship with Cryptid has lasted quite a while, but as you are dragged into the world of magic and fairytales, you fear this might be a bit of a learning curve for both of you…

Riddle Rosehearts

FREAKS OUT

Yes, he did shatter a window in his panic. No, he will never allow you to mention it without consequences. 

Honestly thought it was the beginnings of an overblot from how it enveloped your body and spoke. It was like your voice but altered, gruff and rude and wrong

Cryptid only appeared to sass him back after a particularly ruthless lecture over something your idiots (Ace and Grim) managed to mess up and pinning the blame on you

Is not happy about sharing you with such a creature but will (eventually) get over it

If you have anything in common with Vemon’s symbiote (i.e. eating humans), he won’t indulge in your cravings but will make the occasional joke of feeding you one of his rowdier rule-breakers 

Overall, not too much of a game changer unless you indulge in more… unsavory tendencies

Cryptid has taken a liking to crawling above his bed at night when you fall asleep… it finds his screams funny

Leona Kingscholar

Put off by it. At least at first

Cryptid got bored of sitting around and napping all day (like it can talk, considering it sleeps during every class you attend) and got pissy about the lack of movement, choosing Leona as its next target for pranks

He looked at it with a slightly disgusted face and bared his teeth to stake his claim over you, only to get greeted by a gaping maw full of needles… (it found his attempt at dominance cute)

Like hell is he losing you to some slick mouth slime ball with a taste for chaos, he had you first dammit! (no he didn’t, but he likes to think your relationship looks past that fact)

After the initial one-sided aggression, these two would probably get along surprisingly well

Leona doesn’t even care about the craving for human flesh! (that or he is really good at hiding it)

Teasing you is their favorite bonding activity. You will never be safe again 😌

Azul Ashengrotto

FREAKS OUT pt. 2

During the whole contract scheme, Cryptid was constantly watching him and the twins to make sure they didn’t hurt you ( after all, what kind of parasite would they be if their host got injured?)

It was only after the overblot and you two getting together that your “little friend” decided to reveal themself

Azul witnessed a mass of sludge emerge from your back to sass at Floyd and he damn near fainted when it whipped its head around to stare at him

Yes, it did laugh at him for days after that

Cryptid admires his suave nature but finds immense joy in watching you break down his facade and reveal his more silly side (aka it likes to see him join you in setting up pranks)

He considered getting Jade to try and research about it but figured that if his s/o didn’t know much about it from their own world he wouldn’t find anything useful in Twisted Wonderland

Overall doesn’t mind it, but there will have to be a lot of communication when it comes to cravings and jokes (especially after Cryptid compared octopus to human flesh while staring directly at him)

Kalim Al-Asim

This one is tough

He cares deeply for you, no matter what you do he’ll never see it as wrong. But his first encounter with Cryptid was not in good spirits

During Jamil’s overblot, Cryptid was pissed about having its host hypnotized and unable to stop it. This led to everyone seeing just how dangerous the symbiote could be, and to what depths it’ll go to keep you safe

He’s a bit wary of you for a while and he feels terrible about it, but he’s never seen you so ruthless and it really scared him

Double sadge because Kalim was one of the only people Cryptid took a liking to and was depressed about frightening him 

Eventually, you two talk it out and all is good! Although Cryptid calls him stupid for keeping Jamil around and gets a good scolding lol

Surprisingly chill about the whole craving thing. He’s seen some… weird things while traveling for business deals in foreign countries, so he doesn’t really question it

He’d rather not have another mark on his head thanks

Vil Shoenheit

Oh he is NOT happy about this

He prides himself in being able to find the beauty in everything and bringing it to its peak but this?? This is pushing his limit

He found out through Rook (because ofc he did Rook keeps him updated on everyone on campus) so he wasn’t as surprised as you thought he’d be

But he was surprised by how vulgar Cryptid could be whenever it got into one of its “moods” (aka Happy Monch Time) 

I’m sorry, but this might be a dealbreaker if you can’t reign in your alien friend. He’s got a reputation to uphold and while he may love you with everything in his heart, he doesn’t think he will ever adjust to sharing you with a creature hell-bent on destroying anything beautiful

If you, through some divine miracle, manage to make it work then be prepared for a lot of “guidance” from him. If he’s going to live with Cryptid, then it will have to live with him as well and he knows a good potion or two that’ll do wonders in fixing some unruly behaviors

I feel as though he would learn to see the relationship between you and your symbiote as more positive than negative. After all, it is only doing this as a means of survival but it seems you two have grown close enough to consider each other family. He’d never want to take that from you

Does not take kindly to the cravings, but he might be able to help you find a few alternatives to keep your creature satisfied

Idia Shroud

My guy, you are literally on the ceiling how tf did you get there???? Get down please?????

He honest to god thought he was tweaking when he heard you speak but you weren’t moving your mouth?? He really needs to sleep more

Literally jumped onto the rafters without any magic when he saw Cryptid over your shoulder. Its eyes staring him down like it knew every one of his sins and judged him

Cryptid had a sense of respect for him. This wimpy-looking geek boy literally had the gate to literal hell under his command and he never got the urge to use it as a threat. That took some serious willpower to not abuse such a strong powerhouse

Idia will definitely compare this whole “co-habitation with an alien” situation to a few of his games and mangas, but he’s really chill about sharing you with Cryptid (after he calms down from the initial jumpscare)

As long as it can keep itself reasonably behaved around Ortho then he doesn’t mind the two of them hanging out without his supervision

Not a dealbreaker, but a hidden prize!

Malleus Draconia

…?

That’s it. That’s how he reacts to Cryptid jumping out from your skin to try and spook him. It is now sulking and refuses to acknowledge your giggles as you try and explain what just happened to a very confused dragon

While your symbiote may be equipped to handle most magical combat, the fact that Malleus is powerful enough to radiate magic without even trying was a bit intimidating

You will never let it live this down. Your cocky little goop ball was scared of a man you called Hornton. Amazing

While he does take an interest in how your relationship works, he won’t pry too much into it and just accepts that his beloved human was a lot more unique than he thought

He is also the only person (besides Lilia anyways) who would offer to help with cravings and would even offer to spar with Cryptid in exchange for information about its species

Do not ask about where he’s getting the materials. He will simply smile sweetly and change the topic, though you can’t miss the dangerous look in his eye

Dragon boi = Best Boyfriend in this scenario

I hope my work fulfilled your fantasy! - GN

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling people I don't care about fandom drama unless it somehow directly involved me? Maybe some people will read this and go "what? No???" And if that's the case I'm gonna be snickering to myself but I digress. I'm a digital artist trying to find my footing in this hellscape of an online environment with tumblr being broken as it is and twitter going down in flames slowly, DeviantArt supporting AI and I don't think I need to go on. For a long, long time I was a fandom artist however and one of the 'bigger' names in a fairly small community. I've 'fell off' as they say because of some beef with people I didn't choose to have but hey, tale as old as time with fandoms am I right? We mess up and move on with our lives. SO YEAH that aside, when you've been through stuff like that and grow up a bit you realize that it was all a pretty stupid waste of time and energy and now I'm in my mid-20s and would really just like to focus on my art. I still make fan art for this specific thing and like make fan art for basically anything I enjoy nowadays and just...spread out my skills more so I got a better portfolio and all that. I'm really just vibing so to speak. Then a while ago I got DMed by someone in my server about some beef they were having with another user in my server. The kicker is that none of said beef was actually taking place in my server but in another server owned by the person DMing me. It's as if you're the manager of a starbucks and the manager from the Burger King across the street comes in like 'Yeah your employee was being shitty in my Burger King so I don't think I'll be going to this StarBucks anymore >:(" Like, what do you want me to do with that information? I can't talk to someone about behavior I didn't even see any damning evidence of and I'm not going to accuse someone of something based on something a stranger said. Somehow this conversation went from me explaining that I'm not about to ban someone or adhere to somebody else's 'blacklist' over things I have seen no proof of, to the stranger DMing me that a lot of people 'are intimidated' by me or that I have them blocked 'for no reason' setting off my paranoia like no other. I had recently dealt with being ghosted by friends who turned around and posted a call-out (with zero evidence mind you, not a single screenshot because they in fact, wiped WHOLE ENTIRE chats as they contained proof of the opposite) and those people stalking me for WEEKS, had to start over fresh and everything. So naturally I didn't like this very much and bluntly stated that if I blocked anyone, it's probably for a good reason and that it's not my problem if that somehow hurt their feelings, I need to look out for my own safety online. I fear I was a little TOO blunt because I did say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry but I do not care, I'm too old for fandom drama not involving me, I'm trying to be professional.' and cut the conversation off because I was exhausted and uncomfortable. I've been told that this was a just a weird and wacky instance and that I didn't do anything wrong, that people who do think I did need to go outside and touch grass and all that but hyea, it stuck with me because I worry that people are badmouthing me behind my back a lot. TL,DR: Got told by a follower that other people in our very small community were scared of me, had them blocked for 'no reason' and that somehow hurt their feelings and that my reputation was apparently decided by what my individual followers behaved like in other servers and spaces because apparently one little spat was enough to have someone threaten to distance themselves from me all-together while I wasn't involved at all. So, I figured if anyone is an expert at these fandom shenanigans, it's gotta be the veterans of the tumblr court.

What are these acronyms?

[ephhemeralite]

writing pattern tag game!

post the first line of your last ten posted fics and see if there's a pattern! thanks for the tag, @ful-crum !!!!!

not quite sure how i got here, real glad i've got more than ten fics posted (if only barely), excited to see how it goes

"Aziraphale bustles back into his shop with all of the energy of a raccoon holding a goodie they never expected to stumble across." – no skin like the skin you woke up in (gomens canon divergence au)

"Ed has spent the vast majority of his life as a pirate. Get as old and experienced as he’s gotten – far older and more experienced than he ever expected, mind you – and you form some opinions, about salt and the sea and the way of things." – and i feel so proud when the reckoning arrives (this is two lines so it's cheating but whatever 💚. very dumb black sails/our flag means death crossover)

"The first time Dick notices himself call for Batgirl and the wrong sibling respond, he doesn't think much of it." – no difference between the past and the ground (dick grayson thinks he's going crazy until he realizes [REDACTED])

"Tommy thinks that finding himself stuck through the Blood God’s sword – stuck through – should come as more of a shock to him than it does." – this is mostly what happens in dallas (au of my dsmp hero/villain major character death series where the major character death doesn't happen but it's still not great! hence the wtnv if he had lived title)

"Wilbur drops onto the couch with a groan and some sort of weird, histrion-type flail." – a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun (dsmp hero/villain au, companion piece to the actual mcd, probably my best piece of posted writing)

"He isn't looking for trouble today, but he isn't surprised when the blade of a sword finds him regardless." – the truth is like a sickle (it'll cut you to the middle) (dsmp hero/villain au with the mcd)

"The flickering lights of the tavern seem soft, in the late hours of the night." – drunk in a field (on dandelion wine) (unfinished 5+1 from a folk witch!jaskier universe that i got super super attached to but eventually let go of because my life kept getting more insane and the concept more intricate)

"Peter had spent a lot of time trying to psychoanalyze Neal Caffrey before his capture." – acquainted with the saint of never getting it right (white collar/batfam crossover, dick grayson is neal caffrey, my most popular fic by a chunk)

"Geralt can already tell that Jaskier plans on dragging them both out tonight, probably with quilt, to force him into a night of 'stargazing and communing with nature like we used to!'" – it could feel like an end (to have to keep going) (immortal/modern times geraskier au fic i haven't read since i wrote and posted it in a day. i think it's contemplations on mortality, helplessness, and the climate crisis?)

"Briefly, he contemplates sitting up on the couch to give himself better lung capacity for his incoming tirade, but figures that he may as well put his vigilante training to good use, and continues to lay back." – more like me (less like you) (technically the second line of an emotional conversation between dick and jason, but the first line was dialogue and it is too early for me to mess with quotation marks like that)

so, full disclaimer that i don't post a ton (no skin was last updated in august of last year and more like me was posted in july of 2021) so a lot of this writing is kind of old, but! i did notice that i've tended to open in media res, but recently i have been incorporating more exposition. i've never tried to make my first lines great hooks — i'm honestly more concerned with giving myself a good jumping-off point than anything else. it also struck me how many fandoms i've written for that i no longer engage with, basically at all. maybe i've just been really focused lately, but i don't think a few of these fandoms would hold my attention anymore! ironically, i'm talking about the more recent fandoms like dsmp/gomens/ofmd and not the older stuff like the batfam or the witcher.

this was really fun, i loved looking back through my work like this!! thank you again ful-crum for tagging me :)! i'm gonna tag @doingthewritethings, @b10000p, and @alavenderleaf !!!!!!

[our-aroace-experience]

Hi. So I could really use some advice here because, frankly, I feel like I've exhausted all options. But I also just really need to vent.

I won't get into specifics, just that I'm ace and maybe aro too, but I'm still figuring that part out. I'm perfectly fine with that aspect of myself but I don't feel like I'll be welcomed by my family if I'm out. It's especially troublesome with my dad who, despite my multiple hints, hasn't actually figured it out yet. On top of his disregard for my non-interest in relationships he's said some pretty messed up stuff about the LGBTQIA community. The things that irk me the most are his beliefs that anyone who is gay was clearly molested or raped as a child, and that gay is the only identity he thinks exists. Like... you're either a man who likes men or a woman who likes women. Nevermind the utter misuse of the word, to him there is no other in-between, nuance, or alternative. He thinks any identities pertain solely to how people fuck. And it's just so... infuriating. Mind you, he won't go out of his way to say anything to actual people but that's still a disgusting way of thinking. Which is part of why I don't even talk to him about anything relating to my identity or even anything personal. I never did growing up, and still won't as an adult because he's very bull-headed and acts like a know-it-all. But yeah, I've tried every possible angle to get him to stop being such an ass about that stuff and he just blows it off because, again, he "didn't get old being stupid." His words exactly. I'd like to add how fucking hilarious it is that he acts so knowledgeable on the subject when all of his friends and associates he spends time with are straight.

I don't know. I have zero intention coming out to him, at least directly. It's not like he'll properly acknowledge it and he'd probably explode if he found out it was part of "the acronym" and completely misunderstand anything I explain to him. If he finds out about me through someone else then whatever. But I just hate the way he views people in the community, especially since it's not even his business. He will literally say how "the gays" don't need to argue about rights because all they're doing is having sex differently, and then in the same breath bitch about how wrong it is. And no, he does not see what's wrong with that.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just very agitated by him lately. I'm at my wits' end trying to get him to at least open his mind a little or stfu. If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it.

i think you’ve definitely made the right decision in not coming out to your father. he doesn’t sound like the type of person to even want to be more open minded about those kinds of things. my inbox is always open for vents if you need it

[crimson-rain-smoked-flower]

I’m really sorry to bother you I genuinely just don’t know where to ask this and you seem pretty knowledgeable on the subject.

Ok so this is a genuine question and I’m not trying to be aggressive. I am very sorry if I come off that way as a lot of this is just what I have been taught/personal experience. I am also kind of bad at communicating my thoughts in words I’m sorry. So recently someone I follow reblogged a big answer you gave about pro shipping and it kind of taught me a lot of things. I’m currently in the process of relearning what some ppl on the internet have taught me. But I do still have personal issues. I still think any form of child porn is disgusting and really shouldn’t be spread. I see that it’s a bit less fucked up when the child is fictional but it still feels extremely fucked up and not okay to me. I still do also find issue with pedophilic ships. Fictional incest also fucks me up but I’m like “that’s fine because it isn’t real and they’re both consenting adults?” I just can’t personally deal. And I really can’t understand the labels proship and anti too. Like I used to be anti I think? But I just didn’t like the idea of fictional characters in child porn. Like I understand reading about child rape in a book to learn “this is a fucked up and bad thing that should not happen but it does and we need to acknowledge it” but I don’t like the idea of people drawing children in a sexual sense to jerk off to. Like those feel like different things to me. Just another fyi I’m very conflicted because I have been very shoved into purity culture for a while and only recently am in a transitional stage of realizing the harm it does. I think what I’m trying to say here is I’m trying to understand what I’m supposed to feel? I still for some reason can’t get behind the “it’s just fiction” on child porn. Whereas I seem to be able to be okay with pretty much everything else?I don’t know I’m sorry. I understand blocking it out which is what I have done, I think I have to come to terms with the fact that it will always exist. But I still cannot see myself being okay with it or supporting people okay with it. And when I say supporting no I don’t mean I’m going to go and harass them. I don’t like that idea I’m more the type of person to pathetically ask why if I were to interact with them haha. Speaking of harassment that has always felt icky to me. What I mean is more like just… being okay with it?

I’m sorry if this is just a jumbled mess of words. I’m really trying to figure things out here and it feels almost like a moral dilemma to me that has been going on for a while. If you see this same ask or something similar elsewhere it is probably me trying to ask for advice or help from other for some kind of peace of mind.

first off, thank you for the question. i'm always down to answer questions asked in good faith, and i'll do my best to answer yours.

there's a few angles i want to come at this from, the initial gut reaction, the difference between different portrayals of something, and the sort of "is this okay to be okay with" bit.

your initial reaction to underage ships is disgust, and honestly that's perfectly okay, there's nothing wrong with that. you seem to already get that there's a difference between something that's disgusting to you personally, and something that's morally wrong, which is something that i don't think most antis get. you're allowed to be disgusted by things, while still acknowledging that they're not actually hurting any real people, and therefore there's nothing morally wrong with them.

(as a side note, the exact definitions of anti and proship will probably vary from person to person, but in my opinion, someone who's proship is just someone who understands that harassing people over fictional things isn't okay, and that the best way to deal with things that make you uncomfortable is to curate your own experience. it doesn't have anything to do with what you personally like or dislike, just your way of dealing with it. not to say you must identify by one of those labels, i think its also totally fine to just mind your own business and do your own thing. "proship" has been around longer than the label, it used to be the default position of fandom, with people mostly abiding by SLAS (ship and let ship) and YKINMKATO (your kink is not my kink and that's okay). that is to say, i would already consider you to be proship, but you don't have to label yourself that way if it makes you uncomfortable.)

i think a potentially helpful way of viewing things might be to consider how you feel about violence depicted in media. you don't mention feeling any specific way about it, so i'm going to assume you share the popular opinion that there's nothing inherently wrong about depicting violence in media. with certain exceptions, like not showing replicable violence in children's media, people generally understand that fictional violence is fine.

in the real world, its not like violence is somehow more okay than sexual assault, both are awful things that can cause lasting trauma, but in a society where sex is generally considered more taboo, depictions of sexual assault are often seen as worse, even when there's no real backing for that as both things are equally fictional.

you mentioned that you're okay with portrayals of underage relationships in the context of dark fiction that's intended to provoke disgust or fear or another negative emotion but less so with portrayals that are intended to be erotic in nature, and while that's a perfectly fine distinction to make for your own comfort, its worth bearing in mind that different people are going to make that distinction in different places. many works, especially ones created by survivors to process their own trauma, aren't going to be that cut and dry. additionally, the authorial intentions aren't always going to line up with how the work is perceived.

at the end of the day people are going to make content that makes you uncomfortable, its the unfortunate truth of this world. you're allowed to be uncomfortable with it, you're allowed to not want anything to do with those people. by curating your own internet experience you're already doing a great job at dealing with that.

i'm not just gonna tell you that you have to be okay with sexual content of underage characters, it's something that can be deeply uncomfortable and gross for a lot of people, myself included. but it is fiction, and the creation of it isn't inherently harmful to another human being, so there's no reason it shouldn't be allowed to exist.

i hope this was helpful for you, if you have any followup questions, or there was something i didn't address well enough, please feel free to ask. and don't worry, you didn't come off as aggressive at all.

[charminggirl512]

scars // chibs telford x oc

Chibs Telford x F!OC (Ellie Drysdale/Telford)

Warnings: 18+, language, violence, drugging, mentions of and attempted sexual assault/rape, alcohol

Word Count: 2,505

Jax and Opie both jump when I slam their beer bottles down on the bar in front of them. I was annoyed and didn't want to put in the effort it takes to hide it. They look at each other and silently communicate with their eyes, obviously trying to figure out which one of them would ask me what was wrong. Opie loses and chugs half of his beer before turning towards me.

"Ellie, everything okay?"

"No, Opie, everything is not okay. I spent hours getting ready. I made sure that my curls look perfect, I redid my makeup three times, and consulted three different people about which short black dress to wear with my new shoes and he doesn't even look at me! He's over there talking to some croweater about her fake tits and shitty personality," I whisper-yell at him. They both look a little terrified at my rant but take a second to collect themselves before continuing their line of questioning.

"Um, who exactly are you talking about," Jax asks tentatively.

"Chibs, obviously. Nothing works to get his attention. Nothing! I prance around here practically naked and make him drinks and I just get a 'thank you, lass.' My gross uncle flirted with me more!" 

"Have you talked to him about how you feel? That works sometimes," Opie asks and flinches when I glare at him for his stupid question.

"Of course, I haven't, Opie. I'm a woman, not an idiot. Stupid fucking men," I mutter under my breath and turn to make myself a Jameson and ginger ale with significantly more Jameson than ginger. The boys take the opportunity to scurry away from my anger and I think about feeling bad before quickly dismissing the idea. 

"Excuse me, darling, can I get a drink?" I turn at the sound of an unfamiliar voice to find a visitor from another charter. He's tall and slightly attractive, but not old enough for my tastes. I like my men with a little gray and experience in the bedroom. 

"What can I get you, sweetheart," I ask as I lean against the counter, ensuring that my tits are on display. I usually get more tips that way and I will never turn down some extra cash. 

"A Jack and Coke with your number on the side," He flirts, attempting to be smooth but failing miserably. 

"I can give you that Jack and Coke but I'm afraid that I don't know my phone number. What a shame," I reply before turning to make his drink. After I hand it to him, he walks away quickly and avoids making eye contact with me. Some men just can't handle rejection.

"Ellie girl, get your fine ass over here," Jax yells from where he and Opie are sitting on the couches. Chibs' head pops up at that, but I pretend like I don't notice and grab my drink to walk over there. Once I'm standing in front of Jax, he slides his hand onto my hip before pulling me onto his lap. 

"What the fuck are you doing," I ask through my teeth so that I don't draw attention to us.

"Making Chibs jealous. Trust me, I'm a man," He answers, showing me his million-dollar smile that melts most women's panties but not mine.

"Oh, trust me, Jackson, I can tell that you're a man right now," I say as I wiggle around in his lap which makes Opie laugh, once again attracting Chibs' attention. Maybe this plan really would work. 

   I sit there and chat with the two of them about anything and everything and Jax's arm stands banded around my waist with his hand extremely high on my thigh. I pause every now and then to mess with Jax's hair or smile down at him to really act like we're into each other. When I get up to refill my drink, he follows me and stands behind me, kissing the junction between my neck and shoulder. 

"So this is why you don't know your number," The visitor interrupts us, and Jax tenses up. 

"What's he talking about, Ellie," Jax asks and stands up straighter to show off his manliness. I roll my eyes before answering him.

"I made him a drink earlier and he asked for my number. I told him that I didn't know it." 

"Usually, bro, that's a universal sign of a lady telling you to fuck off," Jax taunts which just seems to piss the guy off.

"You want another Jack and Coke?" I interrupt and make him another one when he nods. Jax rolls his eyes before kissing my head and excusing himself to the bathroom. I get caught up making more drinks for other people and stay busy until he gets back. We go back to the couches and Chibs is now sitting next to Opie. Opie sends me a not so sly wink and I fight the urge to face-palm. 

"Chibby, how's your night going," Jax asks him as I settle back into his lap. This time I sink into him a little more and place my hand on top of his on my thigh. 

"Good, brother. Eleanor, good to see you again," He says with tension in his voice. I grit my teeth at his use of my full name.

"You, too, Filip." He grits his teeth back. I take a sip of my drink. He takes a sip of his own. 

   We continue to stare at each other while everyone continues talking and laughing around us. Twenty minutes later, I start to feel a bit woozy so I stand up to get myself some water. I stumble trying to stand up and brush it off with a laugh.

"One too many drinks. I'm just gonna get some water," I dismiss Chibs, Jax, and Opie's concerned faces. 

   As I'm walking over to the bar to get water, I stumble again as the world starts to spin around me. Something's wrong. Two or three drinks should not have me feeling like this. I make it behind the bar and brace myself against it. I manage to unscrew one of the plastic water bottles that we keep under the bar but it's difficult for me to take a sip. Right as I finally get the bottle to my lips, everything goes black.

CHIBS' P.O.V.

   She's been a temptress all night. Her little black dress just barely covers her thick ass and her tits are practically spilling out of the top of it. I can see her tramp-stamp of an Irish Easter Lily with how far down it goes. The heels just add to the total sexiness of the outfit and I do my best to not picture them pressed against my back as I pound into her. 

   I've been shaking with anger ever since she sat down in Jax's lap and I did my best not to rip his head off when I saw his hand on her thigh. Even though he's more age appropriate for her, I can't help but want her more than I've wanted anyone else in my life. Ever since I set my eyes on her beautiful face that day when she looked so hopeless, I can't stop thinking about her. 

   After spending over an hour fighting the urge to talk to her, I finally make my way over to where she's been sitting with Ope and Jax while she's at the bar with Jax. I carefully watch as they talk to one of the visitors from another charter, the tension in Jax's body telling me that he's probably hit on Ellie. I'll find a reason to pick a fight with him later, once Jax and Ellie leave together. 

    I call her by her first name purely because I know it pisses her off and I'm rewarded when she grinds her teeth together before retaliating with my own full name. I don't mind her calling me Filip; I'll take any reason to talk to her. I can tell that something's wrong with her when her eyelids start to droop a little and my suspicions are confirmed when she stands up and almost falls. She stumbles over to the bar and when she struggles to make it there, I follow her.

   Thankfully, I catch her body before it hits the ground and the full water bottle in her hand crashes to the ground, which alerts everyone to what happened. Jax vaults himself over the bar and helps me lay her down on top of it. I shake her head lightly and tap her cheek a couple of times but she doesn't move.

"What did she have," I shout at Jax.

"Only a couple of drinks. Maybe a cigarette or two. She didn't even touch the joint we smoked earlier," He answers and I can see the fear in his eyes. 

"Ellie, come on, wake up, sweetheart," I say gently as I shake her again. She doesn't stir and I check her pulse, which is still strong. That relieves some of the tension in my body, but I still don't understand why she won't wake up. "Ope, in my med kit, there should be some smelling salts. Grab them and bring them to me."

   After he brings them to me, I pop one and put it under her nose. She jerks up, gasping for air before she wraps her arms around me. When she starts crying, my heart breaks, and I'm once again filled with anger. Someone had to have drugged her. 

"No one leaves. Someone tried to drug her and I'm gonna find the fucker," I growl at Jax and he starts yelling at everyone to not move before closing and locking the clubhouse doors. Even though she's awake, she's still groggy and confused, which seems to make her cry harder. "I'm here, lamb. You're gonna be okay, I promise." 

   Jax drags the guy that was talking to him and Ellie earlier over to us. The guy tries to get away from him the whole time, which just signals that he's got a guilty conscience. Jax forces him down into a chair and keeps his hands on the guy's shoulders in case he tries to run. 

"Tell us what you did," Jax hisses at him and the guy recoils from him. 

"I put something in her drink," He mumbles barely loud enough for us to hear. 

"We fucking know that, you bastard. What did you give her and why did you do it," I yell at him. Ellie winces at my volume and I stroke her hair to try to soothe her. 

"Rophynol. She was asking for it, dude. She flirted with me and then pretended like she was his old lady to try and get more attention," He replies, almost cocky when he announces the sleeping pill he slipped into her drink. 

"She wasn't asking for it, you prick. Just because you can't get any pussy doesn't mean that you should try and drug girls into it," Opie shouts. 

"She's got 'slut' carved into her arm, bro. She wouldn't have that unless she wanted to be fucked." Jax and I share a glance before swapping places, him gently holding Ellie and me taking care of this piece of shit. I grab the guy by his throat and throw him against a nearby wall, feeling satisfied at the sound his head makes when it connects with the wall.

"I'm gonna beat you until you're black and blue and then I'm gonna let Jackie boy over there beat you until you're begging for mercy. No woman would ever willingly carve 'slut' into her arm, you brainless eejit. You don't know what the fuck she has been through but you'll understand an ounce of her pain by the time I'm done with you."

   The first punch is like a release. I picture what he probably wanted to do to her and it increases the power of my second punch. When I kick him, I hear her imaginary screams for help, calling my name over and over again. As I slam him down on the floor, the image of Jimmy carving into her fills my head and my vision goes black as I continue to batter the guy who thought that he could take advantage of my Ellie, my beautiful Ellie who deserved the world after everything she had been through. My vision clears and he's barely awake, struggling to breathe with a broken nose that's pouring blood all over the floor. 

   I stand and wipe the blood off of my hands on a dirty rag that's resting on the bar. I pick Ellie up off of the counter where she's fallen back asleep and carry her upstairs to my dorm to the sounds of Jax's fists pounding into the guy's lifeless body. Her hair cascades across my bed when I lay her down and though this isn't how I imagined her first time in my bed, I'm grateful that she's here and not somewhere else. I pull off her shoes and grab one of my t-shirts from the dressed before pulling it over her head so that she's at least a little more comfortable. As I'm tucking her under the covers, she stirs slightly. 

"Filip," She whimpers, breaking my heart. 

"Right here, lamb. What do you need? Some water or something to eat," I ask as I push a piece of her hair behind her ear. She nuzzles into my hand, making me fall for her even more.

"Dress is uncomfortable. Need help," She quietly says and my hand stills on her cheek. 

   I take a deep breath and help her sit up. I reach under the back of the shirt to unzip it so that she can wrestle the thin straps out of the sleeves of the t-shirt. Once that's done and she's pushed the dress down her thighs, she tosses it behind me and snuggles into my pillow. She grabs my hand when I try to leave and pulls me back onto the bed. 

"Don't leave me," She whispers. I climb in next to her and pull her close to me under the comforter. "I'm sorry."

"Never apologize for what happened, Ellie. You did nothing wrong. That guy was a piece of shit and he's being handled," I tell her, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. 

"He's thousands of miles away and he's still breaking pieces of me," She says with tears in her voice. Instead of replying, I grasp her wrist in my hand before kissing up and down the scar there. 

"You're more than what he did to you. You're worth more than what he did to you. You're everything, little lamb. Don't let him take anything more from you." 

"He's already taken everything," She sobs. "Jimmy took me from me and I'll never get that back." 

   As I lay there with her wrapped in my arms, crying her heart out, I vow that I will never let him touch her again. Jimmy fucking O'Phelan will rue the day that he set eyes on her and decided to use and abuse her.

[royalbilliards]

Now that you’re done, what are your thoughts on our fav failking Maruki?

So I’ve been sitting on this question a while. I didn’t know how to really express my opinions properly that weren’t in the usual comedic tone I pick up when I talk about the things I love, but I really wanted to answer this question wholeheartedly, so here we are!

Firstly, I need to get my actual thoughts about Persona 5 Royal out of the way, because I love this game. I truly and completely love this game, and it’s knocked BOTW out of the number one placement spot for my favourite game of all time. Everything from the characters, story, music, even the UI design have me absolutely floored, and I genuinely cannot think of a game I could say tops it for me. I listen to the soundtrack daily, and constantly think about the game when I can. I have so many complex thoughts about the game I could talk about here, but since this is just about my opinions on Maruki, I’ll keep those to myself.

Moving on, Maruki is, I feel, one of my favourite characters of all time. He’s so interesting and well-written, his motives make sense, and for the audience it’s sympathetic. We understand why he’s doing what he does, even if it’s wrong. He cares a lot about people, but he cares too much, and it’s his downfall. He wants to make everyone happy, and it’s just impossible. He can’t live knowing someone would be slightly upset. He worked for multiple years to create his perfect reality, presumably trying to figure out a way to help everyone he could, when the opportunity to help everyone landed right in his lap. This was the most important thing to him, and it’s admirable as it is stupid. The loss of that desire, the loss of that ability to help everyone he could, his failed reality and the fact that no matter how hard he tried, he still couldn’t succeed did a massive number on his mental state. Though, I feel as though he mostly survived on his need to help people rather than any positive mental state for a while. I mean, the second he loses that desire, loses years of work and watches as it crumbles and shatters around him, he fully gives up and tries to kill himself (something which Ren was in no way shape or form going to allow). His love for people is what drove him, and his love for people almost drove him to his death.

I feel like a lot of people misunderstand Maruki and what he was meant to represent, He's not one of those “rotten adults.'' He's a broken and hurt man who hadn’t been allowed to express his emotions, and suffered hit after hit (his studies being cut short, his lab being turned into a stadium, his fiancé having a mental breakdown and going catatonic) and tried to fight his emotions by helping other people instead of focusing oh himself. Hence him becoming a therapist and trying to help other people out with their problems as opposed to focusing on his own.

I’ve realised people tend to get angry at Maruki because he was a twist villain. They trusted him and he turned out to be the last boss of the game, and whilst this is understandable, it’s also fucking stupid to stay mad. Characters like this tend to get a lot of shit treatment and I’ve seen people complain multiple times about games having obvious villains, only to complain and get genuinely angry when a twist villain is revealed to be a character they got attached to or trusted. (An example of this is Volo from Legends: Arceus.) Maruki is very much one of these. People are allowed to feel how they want, however these communities of people are so loud, and it makes it hard to find accurate and earnest portrayals of the characters. Instead, what's more prevalent is an insane twisting of the truth people do to justify their anger, or portrayals present in order to have a “villain” for fan content. They do this without realising that the point is that anyone can mess up, and Maruki isn’t a villain for what he did.

To me, Maruki represents guilt and trying to catch an elusive “happy ending." The story of the game is riddled with tragedy and it mostly sticks to its guns about keeping these tragedies permanent. The characters wouldn’t be who they were without the sadness that’s befallen them. The reality Maruki tried to make (and what a lot of people who try to “fix” the canon of a story) made no sense for the characterisation of the characters or who they became as a person because the reasons were erased. There is no happy ending to Persona 5, there is no way to fix everything, and I feel a lot of people may have seen Maruki as an attack on this. It’s okay to feel sad about how something ended, but sometimes you just gotta accept it.

This has gotten pretty wordy, and it’s just a long winded way to say that my opinions on Maruki haven’t changed all that much, other than those 4 hours I spent on merciless trying to beat his fucking fight and getting more and more wound up each time I fucking failed. Anyways, the point is I love him, I love the game, and if anyone is meanies to him again I’ll fucking kill them all with my autism laser beams.

[foggyparadisecandy]

On Making Room for Good People

Life is funny and the journey can take you places you weren't expecting.

I think when we are younger and starting out, it's easy to be uncertain in many ways about the choices in front of us. I think that's natural because we haven't done a lot of stuff yet - and we don't know how the world really operates. So we can have anxiety - whether we understand it or not - and fear of "making the wrong choice" or "screwing things up".

We spend a lot of time worrying about stuff that doesn't matter in the long run and we miss out on the really big things that do matter.

It's interesting to be older now and realize I have a different perspective than my younger self - and people I love who are younger.

These days I know one of the most important things is to find people I vibe with and figure out ways to find room in my life for them.

Because people matter. And the right people matter A LOT over the course of your life.

Having someone who supports us and loves us and cares for us and will go to war for us, to protect us, to defend us, to show us how to stand up for ourselves and make a better life ... fucking irreplaceable.

Imagine finding a place for someone like that in your life and what an impact that they can make over the course of the coming years as you face new challenges and encounter new opportunities.

The funniest thing is that I know my younger self was a mess and would not have accepted that advice. lol

I was lost, hurt, angry, hating on myself, hating on others ... not intentionally. I didn't realize until recently that I grew up in a horrible, dysfunctional household - I was primed to hate myself and people please.

Ahhhhh .... either way. People make their own choices and have to figure stuff out on their own. I don't begrudge anyone their choices. I myself would not have appreciated my current self. How can I judge others?

Either way, we all make our own way in life.

It makes me happy to know that the people I love are watching out for themselves, taking care of themselves, PLANNING and HOPING for a brighter future than what they have currently in their lives.

And I'll be over here, doing my thing, and building my future. And if I can help, I would be happy to. But they have to choose to make space for me. Or not. And if they can't figure out how to fit me in to their lives, I won't take it personally. Whatever - I can't control other people. (not even with hypnosis lol)

Also true: I am no longer interested in emptying myself for others, or fretting over people who don't appreciate me.

Simple, right?

Took a lot of self-work to figure this stuff out. No matter how much I care about someone else, I refuse to accept being unappreciated.

Fiona Apple has a great line: "I don't appreciate people who don't appreciate."

(her next line is equally good: "All that loving must have been lacking something if I grew bored trying to figure you out.")

I'm fortunate because I've met a wonderful person who supports me as I support her. I love seeing her make strides forward to build a better life.

It makes me feel good to hear from her, and share ideas and strategies with her, and encourage her, and hear her encouragements of me.

Life doesn't have to be overly complicated. It's nice to be with people who appreciate and support us and we do the same for them. I will go to war for her.

I'm trying to not become addicted to her because that didn't end well last time around for me. lol

We have a strong, open communication style where we regularly share our feelings - good and bad - and have agreed to keep an eye on things.

We'll see. <3

[cersworld]

scene ²⁴

y/n has had just about enough with the general public and their inability to keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves. park jisung likes to think he's living his best life, which he kind of is. park sunghoon likes to portray himself as someone calm and collected, someone who has their life together; he likes to pretend he’s everything he's not. luckily, sim jaeyun seems to be with him every step of the way.

WARNINGS: swearing, mild violence, stereotyping, queer characters, emotional vacancy (she can't express her emotions well, outwardly), jay is definitely presented as the bad guy so be warned, a lot of feels, identity crises (not really?), inappropriate jokes (sexual and worrying *cough* eg. ED/binging, alexithymia *cough*), etc.

TAGLIST: @prettysung @polarisjisung @spiderrenjunfics

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

“sunoo, what role do you think i play in the group?”

the boy pauses from where he’s tapping away at his phone on the bed opposite him, turning to look at him as he tilts his head in confusion, “what? you’re obviously the visual.”

“huh.” and then he’s getting out of bed and walking into the kitchen as sunoo continues to stare him down before shrugging to himself and going back to whatever he was doing on his phone at this hour.

1:26.

park sunghoon doesn't know what he's doing anymore.

the past he had worked so hard to hide was now laid bare, visible to anyone who wished to see it. and everyone did.

no matter how hard he worked, he was back to square one. the retired ice skater, the one who used to skate, ice prince. all that effort, and still nothing.

the identity he had worked so hard to build from scratch came tumbling down in a matter of milliseconds, falling to his feet, peppering his jeans with ash and dust, and his soul with cuts that don’t want to heal.

he wanted to scream, to yell, to rampage because what the hell did he do wrong?! he had spent a whole year in America, had gone and turned into ‘benjamin park’ and yet, no one knew of that. not a single soul that claimed to know him so well and care for him so much. not his fans, not his band, not even his company. 

sure, he had struggled, and it was a little embarrassing that he had spent a whole year there and yet he still couldn’t speak even a lick of the language, couldn’t communicate with anyone or even order an americano without messing up and having to pretend he meant to order whatever the hell he did. yet, it was one of the best periods of his life. he had been able to breathe after god knows how long, and he had found someone who could understand him even when he couldn’t understand himself, and he didn’t even need to know the language to understand how special that was. what he had with you, has with you… hopefully.

and yet, he had left. Left the safety of you, and your presence, and your you-ness, to this. to people who knew him for his face and his skates. to breathlessness and home. to his family, to the media, to everything he loved and couldn’t fucking stand. he had stopped ice skating two whole years ago, and yet, it meant everything to everyone around him. he had spoken on the topic numerous times, had told people over and over, and nothing.

"to be honest, what I really think these days is that I've done quite a lot related to ice skating since the debut. So maybe the time has come to finally say goodbye. After all, I'm not a figure skater anymore – I'm Sunghoon from Enhypen. And as a member of Enhypen, I really want to show a new side of myself." He had plucked up the courage to say in one particular interview, only to be awkwardly brushed off and to later find that they had scrapped the whole section out of their video.

Sunghoon didn't really know what to think anymore. Was it really worth it? Busting his ass in this profession, spending hours upon hours trying to improve when all anyone ever cared about was his past. A past he had buried alive to keep himself alive. A past that everyone loved digging up and inspecting.

A tap turned off and sound of water gushing onto metal stopped as Sunghoon stepped into the kitchen, dazed and blank-faced – an expression his whole group had already gotten used to by now.

“Sunghoon?” a voice called out gently, causing him to tilt his head and make eye contact with his young leader. His little everything.

“Hey, won.” the elder replied, just as gently, as he reached up to ruffle the boy’s hair.

“What’s got you so upset?” the boy hums, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch.

Sunghoon grins, sharp canines coming into view as he marvels at the boy’s resemblance to a kitten, “i’m not upset baby.”

And then he’s instantly hit with the reality that this small boy is a black belt in taekwondo and a little too good at faking the whole ‘soft boy’ act. Because, before he knows it, he’s crouched on the ground, arm curled protectively around his stomach as yang jungwon stands in front of him with crossed arms and an adorable scowl set into his features.

"Don't lie to me. I hate liars." The boy reprimanded

"I'll never tell." The older boy wheezed out from where he was practically rolled up on the floor in front of him. "never."

Never. You don't deserve that.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

prev | masterlist | next

[many-but-one]

TW suicide and self harm mention

Hi! Could you as someone with DID help me better undestand my situation?

I am a singlet but I hear constantly voices in my head that are not my own and I have had hard time trying to understand them. I've been doing so much research of DID to figure out if I could have it but I don't have one childhood trauma but C PTSD from childhood neglect.

I have been able to recognise that one of the voices belong to a young girl who sits alone in a dark room. She only ever says "I want to die. Let me die. Go away. Leave me alone".

Two other voices are just voices without any looks. One of them is a strict and mean caretaker-like person who tells me to mask in public (I have autism) and shouts and screams if I do something wrong / mess up.

The last voice tells me to self harm, cut my limbs off and kill myself.

I don't have an inner world but I can sometimes imagine very vividly the little girl in the dark room and when I was younger I had this place I used to imagine where I am stuck inside a huge cardboard box filled with dust. It was just something that used to reoccur inside my head.

Other than that, I have amnesia only if I'm very tired or stressed out and even then I miss only like 1 hour or less at a time.

Sometimes I dissociate, it used to be regular when I studied (derealization and depersonalization). Now it's like once a week or when I see something triggering from my childhood.

And I only have had the little girl speaking through my mouth. It's like having tics where I can't control myself and she always says "Let me die" or something like that.

Does this sound like a DID to you? Because I don't know how to explain this. I have no idea why I keep hearing those voices. I am seeing a psychiatrist but atm we are trying to get me autism diagnosis.

Heavy sigh.

Okay, anon. I’m sorry it has to be this post that makes me snap, but I’m gonna have to do it to ya. This goes to every anon that does this to OSDDID accounts. I see this absolutely everywhere on a lot of OSDDID folks’ pages, especially the folks who are more “well known” in the tumblr community. (Not saying I’m one of them but I do get these messages very VERY often, and I see them everywhere.)

Anons who are having a mental health issue, please fucking STOP sending anon messages to OSDDID accounts asking “does me doing x, y, z mean that I have DID?” Or “I show all these signs of DID do I have it?” Like. I understand that you’re confused. I understand you need help. But if you are hearing voices telling you to fucking kill yourself, you NEED to see a mental health professional, not ask a rando on tumblr if you have an EXTREMELY COMPLEX DISORDER that can literally takes YEARS to diagnose in someone. Like…I am fully okay with self dx with adequate research. If you think that’s what you have, fucking great. Work on coping skills. If you find out later you don’t have it? Great. Now you can move on and try and figure out what’s going on. I am fully aware not everyone has access to good mental health care. I am aware that mental health specialists are often absolutely fucking shitty.

HOWEVER!

STOP. MESSAGING. RANDOM. TUMBLR. CREATORS. ASKING. IF. YOU. HAVE. A. COMPLEX. DISSOCIATIVE. DISORDER.

Do I make myself clear, anons? This goes to every single one of you. I generally don’t answer and delete a solid 3/4ths of you because half the time your rambling makes absolutely no sense and I’m very sorry but I really don’t care. I don’t know who the hell you are. My brain is split into shards and I’m working on trying to survive the fucking day here. I’m working on how to live without numbing myself to the world. I do not have time to try and join the circle-jerk of validation that y’all want from me.

If you wanna DM me and let me get to know you more, we can discuss things further. With more nuance. We can have an actual discussion. I would absolutely LOVE that. Because maybe I can point you into a direction of good coping skills, good resources, and places to find a sense of community that isn’t tumblr dot com. I’d love to get to know you and help you. But if you come at me in my inbox with anon as your name asking me to validate your experiences with barely a paragraph worth of information, that’s not gonna fucking happen.

What answer are you looking for, anon? Do you want me to say “Yep! Sounds like DID to me!” Because I am not a professional and if I were to be so quick to hand out validation cards because you would feel better if a random tumblr account agreed with you, I doubt that would actually help you in ANY way. Yes, validation feels good and it feels good to be seen and heard but I don’t fucking know you and you’ve given me what sounds like suicidal voices in your head and some possibly inner world activity. I hate to break it to you, but CDDs are a LOT more than just alters and voices and an inner world. It’s basically C-PTSD on steroids and if you don’t show any signs of C-PTSD then you might be looking in the wrong direction. But of course how am I to know that because I don’t know you and you can’t possibly explain your entire life story in a fucking tumblr ask. It sounds like you already know what you’re experiencing, you just explained it very plainly to me. If you have done adequate research and you think you have a CDD, then for the love of god find a professional to work with you and start learning coping skills related to trauma and dissociation.

I am not your therapist. I am not going to give you the validation you seek. If you want a dx, find a therapist that works in trauma and dissociation.

I know this is coming off very aggressive but MAN this is so common and it really needs to fucking stop. ESPECIALLY sending triggering info to a random tumblr user. The “TW suicide and self harm” ain’t gonna do shit. (re: the part where you are talking about voices telling you to cut off your limbs and kill yourself.) I can handle those conversations just fine but not all creators can and it’s fucked that you and all the gazillion anons trauma dumping to random OSDDID tumblr users think that this is just okay?? The AUDACITY my dudes. I understand you’re probably having a rough ass time right now but you have absolutely no idea how my day has been, how my week has been, how my life has been. You get a tiny snapshot of what I choose to share here. Which trust me, is a tiny TINY little snapshot of the reality of my condition. How would you feel if your trauma dump triggered out one of my suicidal parts and killed me? Or severely harmed me? Y’all (all anons, not just you) desperately need to fucking understand that OSDDID systems are traumatized as FUCK and things like that can literally get us killed. It’s not a game. I know some plural folks online make it seem fun, but anon as you seem to understand, it’s very scary having parts inside that want you dead. These parts can take control of my body and do just that. They’ve tried before.

All anons out there, please have some fucking decency and respect for OSDDID creators out there. We are not your therapist, we’re just trying to live our fucking lives and sometimes make content on the side.

Rant over. I hate doing shit like this but I am so over it and y’all need to fucking know.

-Blurry

[ballet-belle306]

~Please Prioritize Your Health~

Trigger Warning: weight loss and mention of ED

I just wanted to post because I know a lot of girls in the communities I'm involved in want the 'waif' body, and some accounts tend to glamorize the sickly thin look. I want to reiterate, some people have naturally very thin bodies, and there is nothing wrong with that. They deserve no more shame that those of us who are plus sized. But I've seen many pages that promote pro-ana things, and that's really concerning to me. You just look up weight loss on here, and it's all pro-ana rhetoric, and that's really not okay, especially on a site with young minds.

I just want to say, as an adult and someone who is on a major weight loss journey, I really want to emphasize how important it is to take care of yourself. You can get down to a healthy weight while still enjoying the food that you like, and you can feel good, too. I've lost quite bit of weight, and it's already made my body feel a lot more comfortable. No matter where you're starting, whether you want to lose 10 pounds or 100, there's healthy ways to do it. Please don't starve yourself, or give into that self-destructive drive in your brain. I know from experience that there's something alluring about giving into those dark sides in your mind, and I'm here to tell you that it's never worth it. Your health and happiness is worth so much more than you think you deserve. You're worthy of the self love that drives healthy habits and meets needs.

I can really only go off my own experience, so take some of this advice with a grain of salt.

Some pointers to losing weight healthfully;

Get a calorie counting app. I use Lose It, which I find to be really good. Make sure you find the verified items when logging. Some people input incorrect calorie information, and log calories as being more or less. Find an app where you can scan the items. Follow the guide it gives you; it's okay to be a little bit under or a little bit over. It's just a good way to figure out where you're at and what you need.

Find a good community for support. Whether it's friends, family, or an online community. Don't fall for pro-ana communities. There's a lot of them, and it's important to find communities that support healthy weight loss and healthy habits. These communities will tell you to regularly go below 900 calories, which is not healthy. 900 calorie diets are typically for extreme cases, typically people who are super morbidly obese (typically 300+ pounds) and are in emergency cases where they absolutely need to drop weight quickly. The least you should do is regularly around 1,100 calories, unless you're fasting. I may make another post on fasting by itself because while it's a healthy way to lose weight, there are dangerous ways people go about it.

On a similar note, do not fall for healthy at every size communities. These communities spread mass amounts of misinformation, and will shame you for trying to prioritize your health and lose weight in any way. You can be overweight and still be beautiful and just as amazing as anyone else, but this community is very dangerous, and is just as toxic as pro-ana communities.

Remember that mental health and bodily health coincide. If you have 50+ pounds to lose, there's a chance you have an unhealthy relationship with food. Working on your relationship with food is incredibly important in order to lose weight.

Forgive yourself if you fall off. Remember that if you slip up, you're not starting all over again. You're starting from experience. It's completely normal to slip up, and you should expect it to happen. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a self love journey, and forgiveness and acceptance is part of self love.

Practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism. Self criticism, if you're anything like me, might look like, "I have to do this because I'm a screwed up and I ruin everything". Self-compassion is more like, "I know I messed up, but I'm going to do better and make it right because I love myself and deserve better". Fixing your inner-monologue is incredibly important.

I hope this helps! Remember, you're taking care of yourself because you're worth it. You can be beautiful at any size, you can follow these trends at any size. Lose weight for you if you want to, but do it healthfully. <;3

[wisteria-lodge]

unBurnt lion primary (badger model) + badger secondary

Hello! It’s nice to meet you (and I hope I’m in the right place for this)! I’ve followed you for quite a long time and I really enjoy your thoughts. I was wondering if you could help me out with my primary? I’m fairly certain I’ve figured out my secondary (badger), but I’m struggling with my primary–it could be either badger or lion (both answers I’ve gotten), or maybe even a twist from left field (bird?).

All right, let’s sort you out :D

The only primary I think I certainly don’t have is Snake, though I think I wanted to be a Snake. Growing up, I was obsessed with the idea of having a best friend. When I finally got a best friend, we grew incredibly codependent, so much so that it was devastating when she broke up with me 

Hmmm. All things being equal, this sounds like a Badger primary. They’re probably the most in danger of going co-dependent. But young Snake is also possible - young Snakes tend to put a LOT of importance on best friends and first romantic partners, and I do think it’s interesting that the way you phrased it, you and your friend “broke up.” But, a Burned Lion latching onto an external source is also possible. 

(I couldn’t choose between her and the potential blowback of my community, who I thought wouldn’t support me, leaving me friendless where I was living. I made no choice. She left).

Oooh, that sounds pretty darn Badger. At very least, an intense Badger model. 

The only person I really trust fully anymore is my mom, but I recognize that she’s not always right, and I’ll argue against her when she’s not. 

Probably not a burned Idealist (at least not right now.)  

I think sometimes love, to me, is permission to be a lot more honest with people. 

First, that is an absolutely beautiful way to think about love. A very relatable way to think about love. But that focus on honesty and authenticity... does tend to be a Lion thing. 

I think I’m a badger primary because of patterns. When I moved as an adolescent, I felt completely unmoored, and I immediately tried to find a community to attach myself onto. But I don’t necessarily think I took my morality from the group of people I was with; rather, I tried to do things I thought would be best for the group, after understanding how it worked. 

That is the description of a Badger secondary, which we know you are.

There was an element of the group that desperately lacked, so I created a one-woman-stop where I essentially did four tasks at once so that we would have this strong structure that would benefit everyone. 

Yeah, you’re a LOUD Badger secondary. Badger secondaries are all about that sort of “The DnD party needs a healer, I guess I’m playing a cleric,” kind of mentality. 

My friends called me out for not delegating well, 

A common Badger secondary problem. We do tend to think “but what if we worked harder” :/

so I tried to fix it by creating a team (which felt strange. I love to work, but I would hate to devalue anyone by not accepting their help when offered). When the team’s work wasn’t very strong, I asked them to make it stronger. I had very strong feelings about the “right” and “wrong” way to do things, and about the kind of quality of work we needed to put out (which: was I taking this too seriously and potentially being hard on people who were helping me? Probably. It would have been different if we had been just messing around, but people were counting on us to do good work, and we had to make it count. Plus, I like doing work I’m proud of.) 

ugh, the CURSE of the group project. This is one of the reasons that I *do* think Badger secondaries often struggle as team *leaders.* I mean you can train yourself out of this mindset of course. But still. Annoying. (and the temptation to just do everyone else’s work is still there.) 

Now, in a new location in a new community, after hearing what hurts the group and the common problems are (and getting extremely frustrated) I decided to try and organize us so we can fix it. I hate complaining about something that could be fixed without trying to fix it 

I think whatever community/communities you’ve been part of have been extremely Badger. I want to say that this is a very Badger way of thinking about things - it’s pointless to talk about the problem unless you also have the solution.

and I’m tired of watching my friends get hurt. I try to join communities that agree with and support my morals, 

See, I’m really leaning more Lion primary for you. You’re using a lot of Badger language, but it seems a little more external and conscious, while when you talk about Lion... that’s just the way things are. Morals first, communities second, that’s a Lion way of thinking about it. With Badgers, the community becomes the morality. They have this way of picking up and carrying the communities they’re a part of with them. 

but I also very deeply believe that we can make things better in communities that are worth it. 

I would hope that any primary could/should be able to believe this. 

I feel like that sounds fairly lion, but sometimes I can’t tell where my ideals end and my communities begin, because so much of what I believe is based around the way people deserve to be treated. 

You almost certainly have Badger-flavored morals, and ALSO you’ve got that Badger secondary which is extremely concerned with things being done *fairly* and *right.*

I know that I tend to have an idea of certain codes people should follow and beliefs people should have. A lot of it I get from my parents; they taught me a lot about everyone’s value as people, about being kind to others, and about hard work. A lot of it I learned from the leftist internet in my teenage years. I learned during that period the downsides of “outsourcing” my moral code. 

Hmm. “Outsourcing” your moral code is an interesting way to put it, and honestly sounds much more like Burned Lion than anything else. I don’t think any other primary would put it quite that way. I wonder if I was right with my first guess, and you *were* burned when you were younger. 

While the opinions I was expressing were ones the people around me shared, and I still believe in a lot of what was said, I don’t think the way in which I went about those movements was always empathetic. 

While this could be a few different things depending on the circumstances, I relate HARD to that Lion Badger combination of “I don’t regret what was said; I regret the specific way I said it.” 

I do believe that there is no hierarchy of humans and that we’re all in this together, but I also know that I’m inherently pretty judgemental (as much as I try to appear like I’m not). When someone does something I think is really rude, or expresses a belief I have problems with (nothing big, but maybe something small), I don’t share with them as much, and we become less close. They still deserve fundamental human respect, but I trust them less.

Yeah. You’re an idealist. You’re a Lion. No wonder this was so relatable, we house match. 

I know this got fairly long winded and I’m sorry; I tried to edit it down. I hope you’re having a lovely day! Thank you so much!

You are very welcome, and I thought this was quite short and to the point. 

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

Aight let me try to establish some things about this thing which may or may not end up being part of the Moth Wizard universe just so I can tell myself that I'm not neglecting that to start a new project.

Concept background: I had a dream there was a TV show where a group of 5ish young adults being found dead together covered in blood so some mysterious figure brings them back to life hoping they'll avenge themselves, and leaves without realizing they all came back wrong and with amnesia and don't even know their own names let alone who killed them but they return to their lives and try to figure out who they're supposed to be without letting anyone know what happened to them while also trying to find the killer. They're also undead and don't feel pain or bleed or die so that's another thing they have to try to hide. They sometimes get flashbacks and glimpses at their lost memories and one plot point I remember coming from this was that one of them remembered kissing a girl and assumed that was her girlfriend and kissed her publicly then found out she had a boyfriend and she tried to save it by saying she was tired of being in the closet but the girl she kissed hates her now because she was also in the closet and she outed her even though she promised it would be a secret! Also I'm pretty sure the undead characters were mostly rivals, exes, and similarly having beef with each other when they were alive, which made it suspicious that they were so friendly all of a sudden (because being resurrected together is a binding experience and so is being the only people who know you're dead).

What I've additionally decided about the characters since: There's exactly five of them, two girls, two boys, one enby, and one of each binary gender is cis. The enby (any pronouns) has a beard and I will not tell you her AGAB. The lesbian in the aforementioned plot point is the cis girl, but only because of like a closeted lesbian who is cis is a different situation socially from a closeted lesbian who is trans like if you're already openly trans you can't play the unassuming cishet by getting a boyfriend and if you're still in the closet about being trans you have even less reason to date a boy if you're not into boys y'know? (I will acknowledge that some eggs misinterpret their gender feelings as homosexuality but if she's closeted as a lesbian she'd probably be closeted as a gay man too and I'm putting way too much thought into this sorry) To remedy this I've decided she ends up falling in love with the trans girl later on. Oh also several of their genders change slightly when they die, mostly just flavor changes like adding pronouns and such, but the one who was a cis guy when he was alive is agender now (he/they/it). They killed his freaking gender man that's messed up. One of them (can't decide who but not the cis girl she can't hog all the plot) is Jewish bc apparently I need to have Jewish main characters and their arc will focus on Judaism and how their relationship with it changes with everything they go through. They're Ashkenazi mainly because that's what I'm most familiar with and qualified to write and if I write something else I'm going to accidentally make it Ashkenazi at some point simply because I didn't know a thing was exclusively an Ashkenazi thing. They're conservative/Masorti because I think that's the context I want their arc to take place in, based on my understanding of different communities, not so strict that they would break a hundred mitzvot on their first undead day that they wouldn't have broken in life or that they'll have too significant problems if they become less observant during their character arc, but not so relaxed that they wouldn't be properly accommodated if they become more observant during their character arc (e.g. shul not keeping Shabbat or family not keeping kosher), but I'll be the first to admit that my perspective on this is mainly informed by a modern orthodox perspective and some of my assumptions may be wrong and this lore is not set in stone. My general idea for their arc is before dying they're not the most religious but they do care and participate in the culture, but after dying, most of their connection is gone because they don't remember it, and they feel further alienated from it by the fact that they're forced to pretend to be the person who did care before they've had a chance to figure out why they should care. There's conflict, there's questions about their death and undeath and how being undead isn't really compatible with a complete rejection of faith (although you certainly can make up whatever explanation you want, it's not like necromancy and zombies prove Hashem is real specifically, but like you must accept that something exists that can mess with death itself), and eventually I, as a future convert, do want them to find their way back home, on their own terms, and I think they'll be closer to it when they've done so. Also this paragraph was meant to be shorter than the last wow mission failed.

Questions to be asking: First of all which one of you is Jewish? Second of all should it be more than one? Thirdly what are y'all's names and like what cultures do the gentiles have going on and on a connected note races (in my dream they were all white but I have the conscious power to do better)? How old are these kids?? What are the other plots everyone's got something going on not just the lesbian and the Jew what do the rest have going on? Where was I going with this post I forgot somewhere along the way explaining everything I do know? What do I call this story?

Not a question: Who is the killer? I know who the killer was, it was revealed in the season finale in my dream but I'm not spoiling it :P

[cg-saturn]

i have this thing that happens where I'm not quite big but m not quite small either, and sometimes when i talk stuff comes out funny like it does when I'm little like the babbling n the baby talk, and I don't really understand a lot of stuff, but i'm still big and can do things that i need to take care of. it's like a weird limbo space that's involuntary and i kinda get stuck there for a really long time and i'm not really sure what it means

idk how long you've been in the agere community or anything but i figured from your blog you might have some advice? its totally cool if not, i just figured its better to ask and maybe get some advice than to not try at all? sorry if this is annoying, feel free to ignore it.

Hey there anon! Thank you so so much for reaching out with this! I do want to start by saying I'm not a professional by any means when it comes to this stuff- I started involuntarily regressing when I was maybe around 14 years old, so 6/7 years ago, however I've honestly only recently become more familiar with some of the more elaborate parts of regression/dreaming. I might be able to offer some suggestions, but you should also try exploring some other sources for info on your own when you feel big enough! Please also remember that regression/dreaming is a little different for everyone, and this is all based strictly on personal experience and knowledge. If I mess up with wording or if i dont properly explain something, please feel free to leave a kindly worded comment or send a private message and I'll make any changes needed!! Like i always say, there are no wrong ways to regress as long as you are being sfw and using the time to heal however you need.

Regression/Dreaming happens for different reasons for everyone. I plan to make a longer post on different types of littles at some point soon, but I do want to mention a few things that could be occurring that maybe you could look into!

Recently I've been learning a lot about Middle Space, because I think I've been having similar-ish "symptoms" (for lack of a better word?). Middle space is a form of regression that isn't quite child-aged but is still a regression from your bio age. It's a different age group, ranging from beginning of teen years to only a few years regressed from your bio age. For myself, I think I find myself in a middle-age range of 10-15, where I'm fully functional with things but I feel like I still find myself behaving in more childish ways. I enjoy taking care of Star and others when I'm in a middle space because it feels almost like playing house! It happens to me involuntarily and for long periods of time, and I do believe mine is related to the amount of trauma I endured at such a developmentally important age.

Its also possible that your regression could be splitting itself between ages as a way to heal from related traumas as well. Depending on what your regression stems from, there may be multiple trauma points from your past that need resolution, or your voluntary regression age might be different from your involuntarily age! It could be a good time when you're in this space to try and figure out what caused you to feel this way, if anything did. Maybe you had a conversation with someone that might have triggered it, or even a familiar smell/texture/taste can sometimes do it. If you can try and place your involuntary regression triggeres, it might help you figure out why it's happening!

Another possibility is that you haven't been taking enough time to be little recently. Sometimes if you've been busy, it's hard to take time to bring yourself into a full little space. Having half-regressions happen involuntarily could be a sign that you need to take better care of your regressed self's needs. Maybe try and find some time in your schedule to color or enjoy your favorite little show, and show your inner child some love! Regressing is healthy, and necessary for some people! Don't neglect taking care of yourself just because it seems less important than Big world activities, because sometimes it's actually even more so!

My last thought is actually really simple compared to the others, and that's the fact that regressing is different for everyone! Maybe yours could be evolving from how it was simply because that's just what happens as we biologically age! Just like our tastebuds, our regression can change over time and evolve with what we need. The most important part of this change is just acknowledging it, just taking time to understand your own regression can be a big help!

I'm going to make another post hopefully soon about different types of regressions, but again I'm not even close to a professional on these things so please always double check me if anything seems wrong! I hope this list can help you start to identify whatever it is that's causing you to involuntarily regress. Always remember, there is no right or wrong way to regress, as long as you're being safe and kind. You deserve love and kindness and healing, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with regression.

Pippi Saturn 💕

--

Dni: k!nk/nsfw, maps, terfs, homophobes, transphobes, anti-agere

[imaginarybestie]

burning questions

Hey there D,

I wrote you recently in real life, saying that there might be burning questions that I'd like to ask you. I didn't know if you'd be open to recieving such questions, or to possibly trying to answer them. I told you that I might not think of such questions that often. Just once in a while, there's this burning impulse to ask someone something, about life, about relationships, about the social circle that we both frequent, and perhaps things related to that.

Related to how I interact, or how I could interact, or related to how I might come across to people. Trying to figure out my social skill mess and improve and have a better chance to make real friends who are adults, not just my teenage child, and not only imaginary friends. Not just relatives who put up with me or very fleeting and infrequent interactions with people online who could hardly even be called casual friends. Hardly even really acquaintances, either. People who only know each other based on some online persona and the little world where we meet online, which is structured according to certain narrow ideas and norms.

Though, really, online groups can be just as real as the real life ones, in many ways, or even realer, in some ways. Certain topics that would never be even given the time of day can be the source of deep, thorough, fascinated discussions, online. But be that as it may, the truth is that for me, that hasn't happened much in the community that you and I visit. I write a lot there, sometimes, when I'm in the mood. And then it gets mostly uncommented upon.

It even seems to me that lately the same thing is occuring with many other people there too. The whole community seems to be getting more and more distant and aloof. It feels like people often really put a lot of thought and heart into the things that they write there, and they often go out on a limb, sharing things that are pretty weird and off-the-wall and likely to be either ignored or even scorned, in most places.

But in that community, there's a lot of weirdness and uniqueness, and people usually are pretty kind and unlikely to be scornful to anyone, at least, not openly so. But despite the relative safety of posting there without being treated in a rude manner, it feels kind of sad and lonely and hurtful to me, in a way, watching them put their hearts and souls and live and ideas and creativity out there, and then getting little to no response from anyone.

Yet, look at me. I intentionally try to avoid getting responses, and I find a little niche to tuck myself out of sight, practically putting a "go away" sign there. Well, not exactly. I let it be known I am ok with people reading what I say, but I don't want to actually talk or get comments from anybody.

Because when I did try to talk in the past, well, it often led to feeling deeply misunderstood and getting all hurt and sad and lonely and feeling that no one on the whole planet earth will ever really understand or care about my real self, but instead they'll forever give me totally wrong advice and put me in some box that I find to be highly upsetting, something that totally doesn't get me and that I really don't relate to or like. It hurts, because even if I know they mean well, or at least, I hope they do, still, I feel as though I might just as well be talking to a tree, deep in the woods, or not talking, not thinking, not hoping to be heard, cared about, understood.

All the deep problems and questions and ideas and dreams and hopes and plans and needs and ideals, that I have, well... They might as well just be kept to myself if no one will really get them at all. But I might need other people to help me solve my problems, answer my questions, get my needs met, act my plans out with me, plans which might require more than just me and my child, live my dreams, dreams that might require others to participate or perhaps an audience to share things with. So it's possible that maybe, I can just learn how to do without anyone else's input or help or feedback and without their liking and understanding me.

But until I feel confident that I really can make it ok without others' input, ever, then I feel the need to maintain this delicate bubble of illusion that maybe someone cares and gets me the way I might need them to do. But to avoid them proving that they don't really get me at all, I just want to put myself out there, in public, able to be heard, but I don't want to let them talk back. Then I know they might hear, understand and care. And I don't know if they don't hear, understand, or care. It's that healthy level of hopeful possibility, my best bet at this point, it seems, however pathetic that might seem to most normal people who seem to have a much easier time getting their social needs for understanding and relating met by various other people.

Well, anyway, D, the burning questions, yeah, there's a lot of burning questions I might want to ask you, and see what you think. There's things related possibly to life, to spirituality, philosophical topics, sociological, things related to humanity, kindness, love, family, anthropology, all kinds of things that are close to my heart, mind and soul. I will see what I come up with over time, and what feels fresh and ready to talk about. This could be an illusion, even though I feel as if there are so many questions lurking under the surface, waiting to be asked, that I want to ask you so much.

But it seems that some part of my traumatized brain tends to freeze up when it comes to things such as this, and when I think of a good idea to ask or to discuss with someone, it often leaves my mind soon afterwards, and between getting the good idea and having it flee my mind, there's a whole lot of anxiety that inhibits my ability to talk with the person in a clear-headed way. If I do try to bring up the subject, I'm liable to go off the rails and lose my train of thought and the topic might turn into something else other than what I had originally intended it to be like. So I will see what happens with all that.

But anyway, maybe since this here on this blog is only the imaginary friend D, and not the real person, perhaps it might be more low pressure. But if anything happens to cast some feeling of strain, pain, awkwardness or disillusionment over my interactions with the real D, then it might become hard to muster up the illusory imaginary friend D anymore, or with as much idealism and creative inspiration for him anymore. I'll see, we'll see I guess, D, I hope but I don't want to get my hopes up too much.

I just want to get in touch with my real dreams, my real self, what's important to me, in the context of what I want to share with others who get me, too. So I hope that imaginary you can help with that, D. Especially since it seems to me you might be a soulmate, and soulmates seem to have an energy that responds to my own, even when I don't talk but think of them or write them unsent letters and imagine them and such. So maybe, maybe, we'll see I guess.

-C