#I sure am tginking

[birbaliciouss]

chapter two ep 16 thingies (i am screamjnf) plus spoilers

was gonna give more but these are ok i guess

guys acevi back or am i trippinv ace was trying so hard to save levis life at his lifes cost wtf

THANKG OD THAT ACE JUST HAD A HEART ATTCAK INSATEDOF GETTING TRAMPLED AND BEATEN BY DEATH BY HORSEs

also speakibg of aces execution, i found something

im pretty sure it says taylor riley? drdt dev mentioned that in a q a before

YEAH I JUST REMEMBER ITS TYAT ONE WHO ASKED IS VERO AND ACE FRIENDS WITH MAI AND THEY SAID NOTHING BUT GAVE THE NAMES OF SOME FRIENDS AND TAYLOR WAS THERE i tgink taylor was male??ya and he was aces friend

rip teruko your happiness and ch 1 self will be missed

holy shit i cant add more or i will explo💥💥💥💥💥

[mcytdynamicrambling]

Hihi its me again bc I have thoughts about pirates again :D (btw sorry if this is rly incoherent its 5 am when im starting to write this and ive been up for an hour and i dont really have energy to read this over but yeah)

So i finished apos yt series yesterday wich reminded me of how Apo and Acho actually were, yk i used to tgink og that duo a lot when it was life becouse there is a lot going on there and they are similar in many ways and like idk

Like at first neither of them are exactly happy about getting an offer from "just" the nightingales and would rather be in different places Apo in the kites and Acho not at the usles at all. And like at the beginning that affects how they interact and how they have a closer thought process than most of the other nightingales. Also at the start neither of them really seem to know what pirates actually do in a faction.

Also when Acho and Gracie were helping Apo build his treehouse. He says that Gracie can help him build and then theyll get Acho to judge wether she was helpful or not if she was then Apo would accept being a nightingale and if not theyd call him a kite, Apo choosing Acho to be the judge shows that he cares about stars opinion. Then Acho then says smth like im not going to tell you who to be (i cant remember what exactly he said but it was smth similar to this)

Also just how ready they are to help each other like when Acho doesn't trust Will and they work together on a plan to make sure he can question him n stuff that I cant remember rn there where definitely more moments but.

The next part is all taken from Achos stream "the duel lore" and all the direct quotes are from there (I rewatched the second half of it for this)

In that stream specifically I noticed how willing Acho is to follow Apo despite acknowledging to the seagulls that smth is up like he says that smth is wrong but he's going to stay in case Apos just going through smth like???

"He's my friend I can't just leave... I have to have some sort of faith" like damn that line rly shows how Acho thinks of their friendship sometimes

"I'm right here you are not alone" like bro

"You're so worried about being yourself that you are being someone else, it doesn't matter who you are or what faction you are in Apo you are just my friend, who are you trying to be?

this this line is so good and it so descriptive of Apo but its also taken from experience yk

Like both of them are about defing labels like Acho says in the cinematic he's a nightingale that is also the richest pirate and really good at fighting, and Apo is always talking about how ppl are pushing labels on him n stuff

I have more thoughts and unfinished stuff from this one I might write on here later but this is all I have time to do rn :)

.

[ritualcaster]

I am the #1 objectified connoisseur

And not just in a bragging sense i mean thats literally me

That was my old name before i changed it

I tgink

Im like 78% sure

[get-fossilized-idiot]

oh.

my.

gog!!!!!!!!

they all sound familiar!! me telling people that i am god tier and still not getting recognized at all is so funny and something i would definitely do. :p

museums... i can see that! i think i remember living alone, or at the least, i can vaguely picture it? i think remember calling anyone i could think of while i would do stuff in the house, most likely you, karkat, jane, rose, and the beta kids sometimes! maybe even call a few of the trolls if i ever thought about them.

and oh my god, sleepovers! they definitely feel very familiar to me. i think i remember doing pranks at the sleepovers and such? :p - 💨

OK OK this rocks so heres the deal i do have one other canonmate from this timeline (hiii karkat hiiiii) wait fuck what was its kinblog url @underfresh if this is the wrong blog thats ao wmbarrassing i tgink irs the right one ANYWAYS.

im not sure how cool you are with like... maybe making a gc? i guess itd be on instagram i don't know if tumblr can DO gcs anyways though yeah idk how cool youd be w that seeing as anonymity

[hfjtp]

so

i'm back

not sure though that i won't dissappear again

if you are interested in the stuff i've been up to

firstly, i've failed my chemistry exam and i don't know how will i be able to fix it, if i got an f even tho i've cheated (but it's not really bothering me as much as it should bc i've wanted to drop out anyway, be it sooner or later)

also, i am back in therapy and on meds right now. this time they are different and i'm not quite sure they are working for me, tho it could be the low dose or me forgetting to take them sometimes, anyway, it's a bit early to judge

tOdAy my stupidity has almost caused a short circuit, but, in the end, it only resulted in one broken cable and around 200 ml of green tea turned to some weird black liquid

socials-wise i've been thinking of revamping my presentation (idk how to call the stuff i'm tginking of), bc i feel like my vibes have shifted, and starting yet another instagram account, this time it will be photo and makeup-centered so if you are interested in content like that, look up to future updates on that

...

anyway, here's the necklace i've made today

this time it, surprisingly, doesn't reach my navel. i've fucked up a bit with all the little chains, but it's not really noticeable, so i won't be fixing it

[sardix]

So I read it and I tgink i see where they were going as in "No death treds, bulling and any notsave for work drawings especially in the sexual spectrum." So basicly shiping characters is fine as long as nearher of sides will push the other. At least that's what I understood, and I must say that indeed it was not worded the best and even with good intentions. The fact that they mention shiping almost every time as one of the problems (honesly it's writhen in such way that i cannot tell if the hate when people ship characters or simply do not want it to be pushed into acual sexual stuff) and to such i can see why people that harass other saw it as the VA's being on their side. To wich is obiusly not true as we see them say about not doing any death threts.

And i'm honesly sorry for not only the Va's but everyone in the fandom. It is not easy task to make sure that the place in the fandom is okay becouse there always will be people that harass others becouse they simply don' have anything better to do or fully bealive that they are doing the right thing.

And the best result is usually that a fandom is 90% really nice but still has that 10%. (I am saing that withought acual reaerch just something I heard from someone so DO NOT take my word for the statistics.)

I'm really sad that something like that is happening to the fandom. And the Va's are right they are not the Police so what I can hope for is that we as comunity will report such stuff as bulling, harrasment ect.

Fredom of speech is what makes it that people can create and have their own oppinion but NOT force it on others.

You like shiping? Great! I'm sure you can find people of groups that also enjoy it and create wonderfuk stories togheter about bonus and how they work.

You don't like shipping? Okay! I'm sure you can find groups of people that see them as family and sibling and you can create beutiful stories with it. You don't have to watch, read or any other thing about shipping.

Same thing goes for the other side since none of them stop you from enjoing the fandom in you're own way! Create you're own stuff like snickers! Or maybe art?, or how about some stories?

What tho does make it not enjoyabale if people are rude to each other to the point of death threats.

I can only hope that we as a comunity will work TOGHETER to fix this whole mess up and for a better future for this fandom.

(Oh also I saw a clip from Dave's stream where he talks about it, about the harrasment ect.)

And honesly? Maybe we could acually made a small group that would try fighting against harrasment, and block the people who bully becouse I am preatty sure that any sort of social media app has a anitbulling politycy. And theoraticly if people who bully wouod get reporter, and then time out or banned, it would make them realise that there are counceguences to their actions. And hurting people in any surcomstance other than self defense is NOT okay.

I realized something today..

I was right..

I was right that VAs statement on harassment won't stop "gore anons" (I'm using " " because this is how this group is called by many)..

They were gloating about how they're right and that VAs are on their side..

I still think that VAs made these statements not knowing the whole picture..

It doesn't matter if it wasn't intentional on the part of those who gave VAs the information on this situation.. because "gore anons" used this to their advantage..

Which was predictable because this is what exactly I said will happen..

Another thing I was right about is that most fans now think that the only group of fans that is harassed are shippers..

Which is totally untrue because I realized another thing..

"Gore anons" only harass minors who are repulsed aroaces or like family dynamic in sams or don't like incest..

This is the observation that I made..

They never harassed me even though I'm talking about it so often..

But I'm an adult.. I said that many times..

It's obvious why "gore anons" only attack minors.. because they won't speak up about it outside of their group of friends online..

Because they know that minors won't go to their parents or anyone else in real life to talk about it..

This is a typical tactic of bullies.. find an easy target that won't be able to get any help..

Even if you're more unbothered by the harassment.. if something keeps happening for months.. it'll start to wear you down sooner or later..

"Gore anons" know what they're doing.. they're doing this with premeditation.. they feel powerful because they didn't get any repercussions for their actions..

This is organized harassment..

[putalittleloveonme]

I heard that despite what he said, he's getting most of the people who show symptoms of COVID-19 tested and if the test turns positive they must stay home in quarantine. So like, he says some stuff to the media but then takes action behind their backs. Idk how that makes sense, but I heard the info from a doctor who was interviewed recently so... Must be true.

That’s pretty good, if it’s true! He probably doesn’t want the UK economy to collapse like it did for us. But since I’ve seen with my country that, unfortunately, self-quarantine isn’t good enough I hope he’ll do even more for all of your safety.

[especdreamy]

I tgink its funny cuz yknow I did this english course and completed it and apparently completion of that course means u have a C1 level in the MCER scale.

So I was like oh alright lemme see what it means and what someone in the C1 level can do and I googled and found definitions from EF and this is what someone in the C1 level can do:

And I was like yeah sure I can certainly do that lol. Even tho I don't get into much Discourse and all I am very much capable of doing so YAKNOW.

MEANWHILE. The C2 level, which is literlaly the highest level and when one can just consider onesef "bilingual"

And I'm here like wait I can do that too! What do you mean!!!

I HAVE A HIGHER LEVEL THAN THE ONE THE COURSE WAS FOR!??

Basically I did NOT need an english course and we dumped so much money for nothing 👎👎 anyways I'm gonna see if I can find a way to get a certification that I have C2 level.

[askjondami]

Jon, Jon!! What does the Al Ghul side of Damian's family tgink of your guys' relationship?

Jon: I have never met them.. and Dami won´t let me. I don´t understand why.. I´m sure that Batman is way more dangerous then the league of assassines.

Damian: They don´t know and i`m not planning to tell them. I don´t want my grandfather to find out about me and Jon. I am worried someday he will use our children the way he used me.. as a spineless killer..

[tumblunni]

Aaaa phewf a good but scary dayyyyy

I totally forgot i was due for a meeting with the Super Rehab Center For Brain Bads. Its like this intensive boot camp version of therapy, basically? Its a shared housing accommodation where you'd have individual nurses and do lots of lessons and classes every day to work on your particular needs, while also having a bit of a shared community and helping you ykbow meet other people like you and such? So its very scary but also could be really good for me but also its a big commitment and aaaa

Anyway you might recall i talked about this like a year ago and as far as i knew it wasnt actually an opyion for me and i'd got my hopes up/got my anxieties up all fot nothing. Well recently they just suddenly called me back and gave us this short notice appointment! I didnt even khnow i was on the waiting list!!

So yeah it was Big Anxious to go to a big meeting with them again and with different people and a more intense assesment and discussion of the possibilities. But also now i was worried cos i didnt know anymore of i should be here? Like they originally booked me in for this because was in a REALLY bad place mentally last year, like never going outsode for weeks and never cleaning the house and not taking my pills and not going to dpctors appointments and i was just desperate to do ANYTHING that could get me out of this shitty town even if it meant living in an intensive therapy hospital communal dorm thing for a year. And now i've improved quite a bit so i dont know if maybe i was worrying too much and this is something too drastic? Like man is this for people with more serious problems? Am i taking away resources that could be helping someone more ill than me? And also i never even started getting anxious about the size of thecommitment last time, i was just desperate to move house and i didnt even tgink about how i have to survive a year of extra anxiety to fight my anxiety...

So anyway we had that meeting today and i was so freaked the fuck out that as we speak right now i cannot actually fully see and im mostly touch typing. I had so much of a panic attack that i hit off the damn eye twitching dizziness super symptom hell and i nearly fainted when i had to stand up at the end of the meeting and walk out the door. Like holy shit so much adrenaline burning thru my braaaaaainnnn!!! Im gonna be exhausted in a minute i bet. But i'm extra proud of myself cos my new support worker richard said that it didnt show on my face how much i was panicking, i successfully managed to keep that anxiety attack under control and finish yhe conversation with grace! And he also said its no trouble when i ask him for help and stuff cos its not just his job but a job he loves, and he was happy to spend the day this way, knowing he helped someone like me through someyhinh so important. HE'S THE FUCKIN NICEST MAN EVER

also incidentally i also learned he's a SURPRISE GRANDPA?? Like not really, i mean he's more in the older adult range, but he just dropped it casually in conversation that he's 50 and i thought he was like 28?? I mean i have prosopagnosia so i suck at recognising facial expressions but i think even normal peopke would agree he looks hella young! Thats awesome he's even more smart and experienced than i thought!! No wonder he's been so amazing at his job! And he's extra awesome for how he's a dj if he didnt grow up as surrounded by computers and stuff, yknow?

ALSO A RELATED FACT:HE JUST CASUALLY DROPPED THAT HE'S A DJ

He has a fuckin 'sound room' in his house with 'a million microphones' and he brought it up cos i was sayibg about how i wanted to learn video editing and stuff and he said he can give me a free microphone from one of his spares! Damn i need to find a way to pay him back cps he won't take actual money for it, aaaa!! And also hehelped me remember the name of that one animation software i wanted to get someday, and he offered to teach me all his Super Secrets Of Getting Free Samples And Cheatibg The Time Limit. Like man u literally work for the government are u sure u should be sayin this? XD and i didnt actually say it was lets plays but i said i wanted to practise recording my voice to show my friends in other countries and help get less anxious. And then he started talking about podcasts so man for all i know maybe he watches lets plays too! He's gonba reccommend me some educational podcasts about science abd mental health and stuff :D

So yeah it all went way better than expected and i even got an odd chance to get to know my therapist on a more personal level and get some nice help with my hobbies! Also he's the only other person i've ever met who uses Paint Shop Pro 7! A friggin 1999 art software that i still keep cos im too dumb to learn a new one aaaaa. He validated me by agreeing that its very conveinient and comparatively newbie friendly, yes! But its having incompatibility issues since windows 10 came out so aaa i know eventualky i need to learn a new thing lol

Man my sypport worker is so damn awesome and its so rare i acconplish a good thing and have a good day and dont lose to my anxiety! I jus lt wish i wasnt still experiencing the horrible side effects of that anxiety lol. Typing this up helped distract me for long enough for my vision to clear up a bit but now my headache is extreme! I hate that pills take like an hour to kick in.

Man maybe i should order a takeaway pizza or somethin?? To celebrate not fuckin up at a chance to improve my mental health! And also cos its hard to cook things when you have no functioning eyeballs!

[badweatherbiologist]

Its 2 am and i can't sleep

I've been rolling around in bed ever since I got here, and I am angry again.

This weekend I had another one of those convos with my mom, about how she thought the whole Me Too movement was bullshit, and how she couldn't understand why people wouldn't immediately go to the police woth such stories, as it was their job as citizens.

I then told her that it literally took a moment of empathy to consider it.

And like we fell out over that, and next thing I know she's talking about how she prioritises her family above anyone else.

But I can't help but think that she only prioritises herself.

Like last week she fell out with me for the sole reason of me not being home on my birthday and her not having the phone numbers or last names of any of my friends.

I mean, I get that I live alone and everything, and that I'm a nutcase or whatever they tgink of me at home, but what happens here is mine, not for them, you know ?

It's just, I'm so frustrated with how things are right now. How when I say I didn't mention things for eight years, she says it wasn't her fault, and I immediately feel obliged to own up for it and agree with her and say it was my own fault, even if I fucking know she used me as her emotional buffer for about 6 years. But I did it anyway, because I don't want trouble. And I don't know. They tell me that I don't have to lie at home but I feel like all I ever do is lie and talk to brick walls, because no one ever fucking listens to me at home.

And so recently I took some distance. And it feels that with every step I take she gets more frustrated and it gets harder. Like on one hand, of course I want to be close to my family. And I want to be happy. But on the other hand, with every fight I have with my mom, with every time she tells me I start to sound more and more like my grandmother, with every freaking smack she hits me with, I feel like not giving a fuck anymore. It's almost as if she wants me to be like my grandmother. And then she says 'I'm sorry, I hope you can get over this' and I pretend I do but I can't. I can't forgive her (yet?) because she doesn't change anything, thereby meaning she doesn't give half a fuck how it makes me feel, meaning in the end she doesn't mean her apologies, because she is going to do it again in a week's time or whenever my dad is unavailable again, or she's stressed out.

Back to the insults and the guilttripping. You see, I get why she says those things when she's upset (or even when I prove her wrong) but I won't let that justify it. Hell, when I am angry and I say things I regret, I get it thrown back into my face for the next eight months.

And I don't know, y'all. I'm so god damn frustrated.

Angry, even.

Just knowing that she knows deep down that she is in the wrong, that she needs to change her behavior, but just won't do it, for whatever reason that may be.

And then she expects me to be more confident, even though the reason I'm not is because of her. For me to trust her and confide in her, even though every time I tell her something, about my state of mind, about how I am, she doesn't listen. And she wants to talk her day through but I don't. I don't want to, I find it annoying, I find it controlling, and I get why she wants to because she's all alone at home all day, but I can't. Not anymore.

She just never even thinks of how what she says and does could affect me, whilst I'm here worrying about everyone else as if it's my responsibility, because of her and my father, because they pushed me to turn into this thing, this person that everyone apparently loves because she's so kind. I never asked to be kind. I never asked to have such a strong sense of empathy ingrained in my brain, I never asked to be extremely emotional and sensitive. I never asked for it, I wish I wasn't like this, and it's awful. Bc I don't know if its my personality who made me like this, or my mental illness. Tune in to find out, I guess.

Wither way, she said I always thought of others first. I told her that if I didn't I would end up thinking of myself as incredibly selfish.

She told me I had to stop that, and prioritise myself.

I suppose that would have been easier if she didn't teach me that her needs came before mine, even now, when I'm twenty.

I don't know.

It's fucked up.

Update: my parents just saw a show that "explained" depression, and they're like 50% of the dutch 18 year olds has depression, so you must be normal then. Yesterday too, there was an advert for this exact programme, and my mother literally goes 'it seems depression is totally hip now, isn't it' and I just couldn't prevent myself from telling her that it was such a fucking joy to be depressed, and that it was surely going to be the next big hype after the rainbow hair trend and the thick eyebrow trend die out. Then she stayed silent, and I continued by telling her that talking about your problems is now not as taboo as it was anymore, and that shows like those could actually help. Little do I know, maybe they actually fucking learned something tonight. Who knows. Would be a big shocker imo.

{pics are from websites about emotional inc*st, dunno which ones exactly}