#I suppose some of it is vent art but I'm not sure. I can't really draw when I'm in a venting condition

[yarmiko-art]

"Have you ever hated yourself so much, you wanted to rip your eyes out?"

[666writingcafe]

An Interview With Simeon

Part Six

Question One: How do you feel right now?

A little tired, but otherwise okay.

Question Two: Would you rather live in the city or in the woods?

I find a lot more inspiration in the woods, plus there aren't nearly as many people. MC says that I'm an introvert because I get my energy from being alone, and I think they might be right. Not that there's anything wrong with groups of people; they just can be draining at times.

Question Three: Do you believe in soulmates?

Absolutely. But I don't believe in exclusivity. There are many types of soulmates, not just the romantic kind. Like, Luke and I are familial soulmates. I was meant to be his guardian, and he was meant to be my kid. *pauses* Don't tell Luke I said that. He hates it when I call him that.

Question Four: Who is the first person you call when you are happy or sad?

When I want to express good news, I call Raphael. He and I have grown fairly close since the war. But he's what I would call a fair-weather friend. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to hear about my struggles, and I've made peace with that. (So who do you call when you need to vent about something?) It depends on what it is. If I just want to gossip, then I reach out to Solomon, but if it's deeper and more existential, I call either MC or Mammon. MC is a great listener, and Mammon's been through a lot of the same things I have. Plus, he's actually willing to share his emotions with me, unlike a certain dark-haired demon I know.

Question Five: What makes you smile on bad days?

Luke and MC doing something together. They're quite cute.

Question Six: How would you feel if your daydreams became real?

In some ways, they already have. Unfortunately, I can't reveal much more than that, or I'd be in a lot of trouble.

Question Seven: What are you proud of right now?

I recently overcame a really bad case of writer's block.

Question Eight: What are you scared about not accomplishing in life?

Contentment.

Question Nine: What do you think about casual relationships and long-term relationships?

I think it's important to communicate those kind of boundaries upfront and check back in frequently to see if they need to change. Otherwise, the relationship isn't going to last, and one or both parties are going to be unhappy.

Question Ten: What do people say about you that you like?

Do you mind if I go on a bit of a tangent? (Does it pertain to the question?) Yes. (Then go ahead.) So, MC gives the best compliments. They have a way of looking deep inside someone's soul and saying what they need to hear. It can get very specific. (Give me an example.) MC once told me that the words I write rival the greatest pieces of art in the human world. They were reading a short story I wrote about nature, except nature was a metaphor for something--or rather, someone else. *pauses* Just thinking about it is making it hard for me to focus on this interview, and I'm sure you have more questions to ask, so we should move on.

Question Eleven: How would you define love?

What an...interesting question. *clears throat* I'd say love consumes you. You can feel it from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, but its pull is strongest inside your heart. (Have you felt that way about someone before?) I feel that way about someone now, but to reveal who it is would cause an uproar. (Do they at least know how you feel?) Yes, and they've agreed to keep it private.

Question Twelve: How much value do you place on other people’s appreciation?

A lot more than I should. I'm not supposed to care too much about people's opinion of me, because my relationship with Father is suppose to supersede all of that.

Question Thirteen: Have you broken someone’s heart?

Yes.

Question Fourteen: What do you think about “love at first sight?”

I've seen it happen once. A bunch of us did, actually. (Was it during the initial exchange program?) *smiles* It was.

Question Fifteen: If you woke up tomorrow as a person of the opposite gender, what would you do?

The same stuff that I do now. I know, not very exciting. Technically, I could change my physical form to a person of the opposite gender if I wanted to. We only look this way as to not scare off humans. But I like my current appearance. I feel it matches how I feel on the inside.

Question Sixteen: What is the most ridiculous thing you have ever bought for yourself?

A 200 pack of glitter gel pens.

Question Seventeen: What was your last Doogle search?

As soon as I say it, you'll know exactly why I searched for it: "how to put out a magically-induced fire".

Question Eighteen: What do you think attracts people to you?

I'm able to appear calm and peaceful. It doesn't always reflect what I'm feeling, but that's a whole other story.

Question Nineteen: What color is your aura?

A light shade of baby blue.

Question Twenty: If the world ended tomorrow, would you survive?

With help, yes. If I was by myself, however...I don't think I'd last very long.

Question Twenty-One: If your house was on fire, what is the first thing you're grabbing?

Luke. Objects can be replaced. He can't.

Question Twenty-Two: If you could take your favorite celebrity on a date, where would you go?

They enjoy late-night picnics at the park. (You say that as though you've already been on a date with your favorite celebrity.) That's because I have. Several times, as a matter of fact. Although, their fame is subjective. They're not nearly as famous where they come from as they are here in the Devildom.

Question Twenty-Three: If you could shapeshift into an animal, which one would you be?

A human world Arctic fox.

Question Twenty-Four: If you could do anything without any judgment, what would you do right now?

It would require a hotel room with a magical lock on it, soundproof walls, and lots of...shall we say, supplies.

Question Twenty-Five: Do you easily get scared?

Not anymore. I used to, and then the war happened.

Question Twenty-Six: Can you keep a secret?

Can you? *awkward silence* (We should wrap this up.) Good idea.

Question Twenty-Seven: Have you ever felt tongue-tied on a date?

Yes.

Question Twenty-Eight: Can you spend a whole night awake?

I have many times before, and I probably will do many more times in the future.

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr, @tenkobitch, @budbuddnbuddy

[alex31624]

Duck Comic Reading Club Week 7: Paperinik New Adventures: Earthquake

Ok, let's get to the point, this issue is the best one yet. An amazing story and a gorgeous art combined.

Oh God, the art. The Francesco Guerrini work here is astonishing. The use of the colors is masterful. Brilliant in every aspect.

This week story start with an earthquake on Duckburg. No major disaster occurred, except for good old uncle Scrooge.

Why do you insurance your oil rig with your own insurance company?

I mean, I got that he didn't have to pay himself the quota for the service, but now you have to pay for the damages. So, stop complaining you crazy old bird.

But One found out something fishy about the earthquakes, and is up to Donald to investigate this. Is so funny that Duckburg is Paperopoli in italian. Is better than Patolandia tho.

PK took one of the many vehicles at the Tower, and went for a ride, super hero style.

This page is a piece of beauty.

We got a new character, Mary Ann Flagstarr, a PBI agent. Tough lady.

PK had had encounters with the police, but now, he faced federal agents. My boy is not making any friends.

But, you know? A vigilante, a superhero, can't work with the authority. So, yeah, go get them PK.

Another new character, Professor Morgan Fairfax. What a nice fella, I'm sure he has never done anything wrong in his life.

One knows something is not right, they need to keep investigating. But now, is time to go back to the world of cyber space.

Another beautiful page, this issue can't miss.

But is hard to step into a federal database without anyone noticing, so they got caught. Thankfully, One was one step ahead and got himself a great scapegoat.

Oh, now you don't like spread misinformation, right jerk?

He didn't face any charge, and, to be fair, he was innocent. But, if being ugly was a crime, he would get the chair.

Back to the Professor, and he's making some really evil looking smirks. Could it be that he's not the nice guy that we though?

Also, another banger page.

PK infiltrates in the building, using some advance tech. One is a cheat code, and here's being used at his fullness.

PK had a weird Donald moment, when he stuck in the vent, fall to the ground, and got face to face with the worst security guard ever.

Hey, masked vigilante sneaked in this government facility that I supposed to be looking after. I'm gonna make some lame jokes, and then I'm gonna miss the shots less than a meter away.

Don't come in the morning pal.

You know? I'm starting to think that this guy Fairfax is not that nice.

Yeah, yeah, he's the bad guy. Trying to burn PK alive is in my Being Bad Bingo.

And yet another absolutely gorgeous page. Is amazing.

Thankfully, One and his infinite tech come to the rescue. PK also save the guard, because he's a hero.

Now, this one part was kinda weird. Agent Flagstarr has been shown trough the issue as tough, focus agent, that wants to get the job done. But, a few words of Fairfax and a gift are enough to make her dismiss orders.

Also, that face… you can't trust someone with that face…

Now we found about Fairfax plan. He wants to create a earthquake strong enough that the whole planet would change, and new land would appear.

At the cost of the entire west coast being destroyed.

The worst part? One agrees with him. What the hell man? Not cool One, not cool.

PK got in the plane and try to stop Fairfax, but Flagstarr was in his way. The agent was conflicted on what to do. Madam, help the guy who doesn't want to destroy the whole west coast. Is not that hard.

Man, the art on this issue is out of control.

PK is so cool.

Finally, One got a change of heart, if you can said that, and helped PK to stop this madness. I knew One wasn't a psychopath.

But that last image of the device at the bottom of the sea is quite unsettling.

What can I said? This was awesome. I love all the detective PK stuff, the danger was palpable, One almost got Duckburg destroy. The art was magnificent, the colors were vibrant, it looked beautiful in general.

Hands down, the best one yet.

[mvost]

TW vent

honestly I just don't know where I should or supposed to put it. it'd be better to keep to myself, but I feel like my own thoughts will harm me more than help others. if you choose to read it — you burden yourself with my worries by your own will. if you decide to reply, be mindful. feelings are complicated, and so are sensetive topics. thanks

those are some sketches I did as some kind of vent to feel better. I don't think I ever made something so self-indulgent, even if they look useless and empty. when I thought about turning my mind into drawing, I couldn't connect to anyone but Mikey. I really wanted it to be someone I aspire to be, someone who's a better and smarter version of myself so I can feel nice about it, but I don't think I'm able to do it. I might be doing the same thing with Mike I myself fear the most, not taking him seriously or simply disregarding him as the second option.

last few months I didn't feel too good about my art or myself. it's a lot of thoughts, and I expressed them as best as I could only for drawing to be the same figure in different clothes. it all means something, but when people see it they can only say what it is for a fact - lifeless shit. I'm being harsh, but everyday I feel so dissapointed in myself. drawing another mindless character, I feel like I'm wasting someone else's time. I just wish people would unfollow me, so I can feel unimportant and so I can finally just be here and not bother someone who I actually care for. I am tied to others opinions and acceptance, but it'd be so much easier if it was just crashed once for good. this doesn't make many sense, but, again, it's a vent. I won't expect much from me.

I felt like a second option so much. it's kinda dissapoiting, seeing myself get worse and worse. I get so genuienly upset when this one person jokes about me being somehow stupid, even if it's all about what I actually did or do. I look up to them like some kind of inspiration, and I know why they're better. they try, they spend their time, they struggle so much and yet they manage to keep doing all these things everyday as if it's normal. it is, it's just me being so fucking lazy. I know that when people talk to me they only do so because they know my friend, and I don't even mind all that much anymore. every connection I have outside of them makes me cling to it so hard it's embarrassing. I love them. and I mean it, I don't even lie in this post — this is simply what it is. I love them so much and I'd never wish them any harm or envy them, I know how and why they get what they do and I only hope that they'll keep getting better. it's just that I don't feel like I deserve being here, much less exist. I'm dumb, I'm talentless, I'm lazy, I'm so awkward and I can't even function like normal human being. having flaws in pronunciation and having to adjust your every word so people won't ask you to repeat as you get more and more embarrassed is genuienly disgusting. I hope I'll end this one day.

usually I'm the optimistic one, and I just continued with it as some kind of character trait I have to follow. I'm loud and open and don't have shame and I hate this to pieces, but I also wonder if they'd be able to replace me if I'm just too out of place. if I'm being extra, maybe I'm worth this little something and love I get. lately, I've been just apathetic. I zone out so much and usually don't pay attention, and I'm ashamed. I'm such a crybaby, but even that is better than just feeling so tired you're not sure if you can keep going. I hate myself and how I look or sound, and this is just gross. I'm gross, in any way and capacity. I don't deserve anything I get and I don't deserve my family nor connections. I feel like I trick everyone, getting so anxious before getting closer just because I don't know if they secretly hate me — it's worse when I can tell they don't. when they actually like my company, even if they can do so much better. I'm sorry if I don't respond. I just don't want to burden anyone else.

I don't look pretty, and I don't like what I do. I'm just sorry and tired. bye

[elric-art]

Ed is parentified, here's why.

Everyone (on Twitter) is talking about how Ed is traumatized and can't tell anyone about his problems.

The boy is the definition of being parentified.

His dad walked out, his mom passed, he and Al only had like 5 years worth of actually knowing their parents and nobody seemed to look out for either of the boys as soon as Trisha died except maybe Pinako. But nobody really stepped up to take in the orphaned children. Why is that?

Were they not liked? Did they only show up to the funeral because they felt bad for the boys? Was Trisha judged for having kids out of wedlock hence the lack of support over her kids? I'm pretty sure I remember plenty of people showing up to pay their respects at her grave but I'm just speculating based on my poor memory of 03 (which I need to rewatch for the 5th time. We only stan 03 in this blog, sue me.)

He (and Al, at least in 03) desperately sent out letters to whoever sent letters addressed to Hohenheim in the hopes of being able to find their father who was supposed to be responsible for them.

When that became fruitless (sort of) he had to step up and take care of his brother, and decided "cooking mama" would be the better option. Not because they needed a parent but if only to "see her smile again" with the very arts that reminded her of her (very negligent) "husband".

Ed went through Hell and back for his little brother, not only because he felt guilty but because he knew he was guilty of almost losing everything he's got, that everything being Al.

By being the first to touch the array, he was responsible for everything that happened with only Hohenheim being the true catalyst (in this case, in regards to Brotherhood).

What would've happened if he never left? What would've become of the boys had he stayed? That's right, it was all his fault and this ugly story started with him and that damn dwarf pretending to be god. After all, Ed has to turn to the most unlikely source to get all the goddamn information he needed to right his wrongs.

Treachery after treachery, injustice after injustice and there was no one out there who can really understand you. Nobody to confide in because all there really was, was that old man behind the counter who talked in riddles and gave you his dirty work and said "thanks for handling it for me, now here's some scraps", then they preach at you about how you're just a kid, what could you really do?

Well this kid had his arm and leg ripped out by what could've been some eldritch diety and told you if you want to cross the bridge you have to pay the price. Who the Hell is going to understand that? Who the Hell going to believe you even if you told them?

Your teacher who went through the same? Tch, your problems are not hers.

Your brother who witnessed it all? Don't bet on venting to the reason you exist.

The girl next door? Best not to burden her with your crap.

At your age, you are nothing. Just a sad little boy with raging nightmares about how the abomination you created is going to eat you.

Even after being called a "hero" you nearly died several times lost in the woods, lost in the desert, lost in the literal belly of a beast and fighting for a goddamn life that you can barely call a life. All you have is your legs to stand on, and if you falter then what the Hell was it all for? What else will you be willing to give to save the only one who was the most innocent so that he wouldn't have to suffer because of your misguided attempts to play god?

You played your stupid game and you won your stupid prize, now deal with the consequence.

You might be asking yourself, why the Hell is Edmod talking like this? Congratulations, you caught a glimpse at how Ed must think. See how it's really not that hard to understand the thoughts of a 12 year old prodigy who had to put on his big boy pants and tighten his belt?

[syntaxaero]

maybe not a public-able ask but I wanted to say that you've been a great force in people's lives and it might be a good time to have friends to confide in or spend time with. You're a really motivational artist too ! I couldn't imagine drawing with the emotional exhaustion you've probably got going on. Get some people to just hang in a call with more often; watch shows, parallel play or whatever floats your boat. People are increasingly more internet focused but we're still social critters and you might just need more of that. That aside though, your art really motivated me to draw more diverse body shapes! I can't say I have romantic feelings for you but I have a ton of respect that gets in the way of . trying to talk to you in any wholesale capacity. That's worth something I'm sure! TL:DR you got a ton of admirers and people to lean on, keep your chin up and ask a friend to help when it gets hard.

honestly the silver-lining with the break-up has been that ive just. been drawing whatever the fuck i wanted to now. I can get weirder with it without feeling judged by someone so important to me.. im really just doing it to comfort myself

and i have been sooorta trying to get in calls and just been rotating around a bunch of discord servers since im really just Hungry for socialization anyways but . socializing hard ! (autism yayy). and also im just Not Able To Confide To One Person Unless I'm Extremely Comfortable With Them

ironically im venting out all this on a fucking. wide open public Tumblr page but i suppose the audience I've gathered here feels . comfortable to me? idk. I'm probably also just fed up with dealing with negative emotions and screaming out in the wild in hopes that someone can pick me up and wiggle me around forever . and would rather not pin all this frustration to one single person who may or may not be equipped for my emotional distress.

and thank youu. I never really doubt my art ability and am certainly aware people cherish my art and characters- ill Never Forget That Ever

[return2zero]

_(:τ」∠)_ Maybe I just need to "vent" it out... but i just feel so ... emotionally detached? That I dont really feel the need to vent but idk how emotions work anymore lmfao! Anyways under the cut it goes so it can be scrolled past :3 No worries I'm doing good!

So yea... idk I feel like I should be semi-panicing because it is a pretty big deal but yet I feel... nothing, nada, zero. Anyways, just to get this off my chest before things ever impoldes when it decides to

Kinda on a deadline atm, but my drawing tablet pen started to die and it official died last night T-T... tried to fix it, and i probably can... but I'm just not sure how. Now the back-up display art tablet I have, also be missing a charger for the pen... big yikes c': Thank God I bought a tablet laptop like about a year or close to two ago atp... so i have a way to still draw TwT (also i can't go buying stuff willy nilly without a job... I should go get one asap... stop delaying getting a job me...! ><;; You know the consequences!)

but i think the bigger issue rn is with delivery... 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠

Taobao told me that my packages that were due, were all delivered on Sat last week. BUT ALAS, I am.. missing... the LARGEST AND MOST IMPORTANT BOX.... I was there the whole of Sat (well, everyday) and nothing arrived... Checked the app, it says it's already delivered but there's no photo proof... contacted customer service and they said they'll get their logistics to check and contact me within like... 48-56 hours... but still no news... Now i'm not sure if the missed call i had was from their logistics...;;;; Uuuuuuu all the Xavier merch... worse yet it's the ONE BOX that contained the Lightboxes from Xavier's birthday! (and I was helping ppl get theirs T-T! Thank God I told them I'll only get the money from them once I get the item in my hands...)

(°-°)( I:)(.-.)(:I )(°-°)

I'm at the point of... idk should I contact CS again? What if it never arrives? Should I be patient? Definitely praying that things will be resolved and the items will arrive some time soon... though... the question of what actions should I take still lingers.

What if it's delivered to the wrong house? then again I suppose...??? the driver would've like... took and uploaded photo proof because the app has that option on the delivery guy's side... but then again... what if it was and whoever got it just decided to pocket the items and not idk bring it or return to the delivery company? T-T uuuuuu Box, please be safe....

adulting is a pain C': imma just... roll here i guess

side thing...

I knew I should've saved up my chocolates yet i went on a chocolate exchange spree... LADS just updated today with new outfit!! and it's so cute!!! but i'm out of chocolatesss LMAOOO srly the timing of all these is just 🤣 i guess I'm getting all the bad timing luck atm and maybe it'll be for the better later in the year

[azurewhitewind]

I'm very nuanced with fandom discourse so I guess I'm not neutral after all since I'm not centrist ♡

I spent a bit on Twitter, I know yikes right? It's not really as bad as it was on there. I think it's pretty divided with the rotten apples, but bad people are everywhere so it's best to ignore them most of the time.

I just block and report. I'll just leave it at that. There's no point in worrying about it it's a waste of time. There are more important things to worry about.

I don't really care anymore if I'm misunderstood or not. I have friends that support me and care, so that's enough for me to keep moving forward. I got this. If y'all want to read more it's under the cut. I don't want to take up too much space on y'alls timeline. Social media is supposed to be fun so let's make it fun.

Recently there's been a lot of drama on Bluesky with the proship and anti-spaces... A good friend of mine was concerned about this, and unfortunately, these moderation lists have caused proshippers to be against each other. I do wonder who made these terms... It feels like more stuff is added for people to be against each other. It feels wrong.

Years ago, I always avoided this drama on Twitter because it's for sure mostly pretty dumb. I mean, proshippers make good points about anti-censorship and how it would make stuff bland and boring, I don't want my stuff to be bland. I want some seasoning on that shit... That's what makes Berserk so good and why I love it so much.

The only good points that antis make are stuff that's harmful like propaganda, hateart, and y'all get the gist of it I'm sure. Sometimes fiction mirrors real life and I get that, but with that way of thinking we wouldn't have Twilight. That was my guilty pleasure as a teen, lol. They both have a point, but a lot of the time there's drama over stupid stuff.

Last month, I was accused of being an anti because I was harassed by someone gross, and I called them out and this is when I had an issue with proshippers... It is really irritating and I'll be lying if I said I wasn't upset about it. I felt like I didn't like these people very much... They're causing drama for no reason.

They were saying I'm annoying because I vented about being harassed. Some of these people need help. I realized proshipper doesn't necessarily mean a good person. I'm anti-harassment myself, so it sucks to be accused of it. Some of them are just dumb, and aren't worth talking to.

They're really unpleasant in my experience. That being said, I don't have an issue with chill proshippers. I'm friends with some. It's just frustrating having to deal with this. On Bluesky, I'm still on an annoying people list... And I'm like don't you mean people you hate?

I would rather be blocked than put on a list over something so petty. It's really a shame what happened to fandom spaces, but that doesn't mean I can't have my own healthy fandom space. This is why I'm working on building a safe space.

This is why I'm neither proship nor anti. That's watering down a wonderful fandom space. I feel like it'll be a lot of work, but I think it'll be worth it to keep moving forward and have fun like I did back in 2016. I really just want to post art again, chat, and get to know my friends better. I missed that.♡

[ridl]

the entire reason why i followed you in the first place is because i thought your art was a breath of fresh air in the many repetitive depictions of ganqing where they both simply look ethereal and exist next to one another. Its not that I haven't enjoyed that type of art from time to time but your works have always felt full of personality and grounded in a way I find very hard to come by--on top of the fact that I genuinely enjoy your artstyle.

Your blocky yet sharp lines are genuinely so captivating and distinctive (if i hadn't seen it first hand I wouldn't believe Ganyu would look so pretty like that!) and your alternative version with smoother lines manages to feel simultaneously professional and yet cozy at the same time--a crazy feat to achieve perfect harmony with the Ganqing vibe. Every time your work comes across my dash I instantly know its you and i'm genuinely glad i've been able to keep up with your progress over time (and then being surprised by how many cool games you keep track of on your blog) its been a serious delight.

But despite my parasocial proclivities, another aimless comment praising your art doesn't fix much of anything. You think your art is bland. You think yourself is bland. It wouldn't really matter if the entire world was in love with what you make if you, yourself, were not. So if you don't like the way your art currently looks, why not change it? And if you don't like the way you are, why don't you change that? And if that fails to sate you, change it again? And then again and again and again in search of your ideal. Why would you stop here, being disappointed while only knowing half of the person you could be?

i'm not sure what your answer is... but i'm wishing you the best.

thank you, i'm actually very happy (as much as i can be despite the mental torment lol...) that u think that way abt my art! that's like, a big honour that u think its full of personality and grounded. i try to make it that way bc that's what i like and want to see with ganqing. maybe i don't always succeed and sometimes it's just random doodles of my blorbos bc i have so little energy i need breaks between my actual "big" ideas. but ig i succeed often enough for u to think this way. so i'm glad you like my depictions of ganyu and keqing, whether it's their... personality? or the artstyle i use. and that you don't mind my game posting lol, cuz i rlly just dump all my interests on my one blog, for the better or worse.

i get what u mean abt ur comment not fixing anything, but i really am thankful for all the positive feedback i get. it'd feel extremely lonely otherwise, i draw things i like but in the end i post it to seek some sort of connection, or validation. like everyone i suppose. that's why i'm being nervous abt reposting stuff on bsky lately lol, sometimes i get comments, other times i don't. i don't blame ppl for not commenting but i rlly have to fight the thought of "nobody will care, why bother posting" again bc it's a new place, as i mostly already got used to it on tumblr/twt.

now, the 2nd part of my vent was very vague, and i totally get what ur saying and i'm thankful for ur message. unfortunately it's just a bit more complicated 😅 i don't exactly... hate my art i think. i want to get better ofc, but i know it's always gonna be imperfect and i have to just keep going or else i would never finish anything. some of it is better, some worse, there are pieces i like a lot and i'm genuinely proud of. but i don't know if other ppl feel the same and remember the art i made, even if i like it myself. in my head there's a difference between "art that's good enough for a like" and "art that's actually memorable". idk

then there's me and my social problems. won't get into details but some things are just out of my control, and it's kinda nobody's fault either, i can't rlly do anything abt it. there are things i wanna change and i think i can with time, but certain things are just part of reality we live in. it's just how humans and relationships work, i'm aware of it and i understand it. but it doesn't stop me from being sad abt it tho. making friends can be painful.

but thank you so much for this message and for the good wishes nevertheless!

[silentmassacres]

mon, oct 28

separation, maturity, and secrecy

i'm rambly today.

thinking about how things like this are viewed as an art of sorts. there's art in suffering when everybody wants to be a tortured artist, isn't there?

a part of me feels that it's almost immature. the sentiment of grow up and deal with it resounds within me. but sitting here, with my online vent blog, complaining about how the internet makes misery into this thing to be projected onto an audience is hypocritical. i don't think i want an audience. i don't think so.

—

i have a tendency to look down upon others. it's not a conscious thing. but the thing is, i am, objectively, othered. when you're placed apart from others, there's hardly a neutral option. at least with how you're treated or viewed. you're either above or below others. i'm sick of being below and unfortunately sweet neutrality is out of my grasp.

i can't live another year of forcing myself below others for their satisfaction. if i'm to live in the shadow of difference then i'll at least view myself in a positive light, at least in that instance.

—

i like to view myself as more mature than others. i guess it's right, considering. pretty much every older person in my life would verify. people see it as rude to recognize that; i don't fully see why i shouldn't be allowed to express that, especially if it makes me feel negatively — if you're upset about being perceived as immature, why not grow? i wish i was older, so it would be normal.

it's hard, emotionally. maybe it's trauma or maybe it's just something i grew up with. but i've always been regarded as emotionally mature. and i'm sure every single traumatized kid could say the same thing but do they mean it? have you genuinely been mistaken for twice your age, or was it just a predator saying that to make you feel special?

—

i dislike talking about my experiences with internet predators. i was smart. i knew what game i was playing. i never fell into any of it, not really.

there's plenty of instances i can't remember. maybe one or two that i can remember, but only one of those was i unaware. and so was everybody else involved. can i be blamed?

i see plenty of people talk about. falling for it, i guess. i suppose it's a pro to be smart enough at a young age to not get seriously involved. maybe they knew and didn't care. it seems silly to me, but i understand — desperation will do that to you.

i haven't. actively sought out anybody like that in a long time. my risky sexual behavior was limited to people my age, thank god. not that it helps, i guess, but it's far better than it could've been; i'd rather leave feeling used rather than feeling like a toy for some creep. i'm better than that. i have to be

—

that's part of my issue. things could be much worse. things have been bad, to be fair. but i look at other people and their misfortunes and i know it's worse. i try to avoid victimblaming, obviously, but i do. wonder if it gets to a point. it got to a point with me, where i knew what creeps wanted and i knew how to not get hurt. is it the same for others? did they not know, or did they genuinely not care?

but again, things could be worse. things could be a hell of a lot worse if i didn't know how to. deal with things. i know how to regulate my emotions and reactions, so i don't act out in the way that others might. even when i really fucking want to.

and it's funny, really. the times where i do allow myself to do that — the times in which i'll broadcast an episode or lash out or do anything impulsive, it turns on me. because i've set up this standard. i set the standard for perfection and when i don't meet it, i feel as though i'm met with contempt rather than understanding.

that's probably part of why i'm so withdrawn about my emotions anyways. not even probably, i know it is. i know from a very young age that displaying upset was a threat, and thus i learned to deal with things on my own. nobody was going to fix it for me. i think others may be behind on that thinking

—

sometimes i wonder if it's worth it to improve certain things. do you really want me to open up about every awful thought and feeling, or do you just like the illusion of me being open?

i often find myself feeling hysterical in some sense when i'm like this. my hormones are out of control right now, and thus, so am i. i don't think anybody really grasps that, but that's fine, i guess. again, i don't expect any actual help at this point.

i have to consider whether i should genuinely give up some things, such as my emotional secrecy, or if that's solely for the contentment of others. i'm tired of pleasing others when it drains me. unfortunately, that's all interaction tends to be. (this isn't true. i'm prone to black and white thinking and focusing on specific feelings which are amplified by both that and the hormone issue)

—

i really wish i had some sort of professional help. i'm tired of trying to explain my issues to receive zero help at all. i need somebody on a similar level as me to listen and actually do something

i think it's funny if i'm expected to just know what is and isn't required for healing. it feels that way sometimes, like i'm supposed to just fix everything on my own. i'm so tired of living in that

[rindragon-from-twewy]

This week bouta be a rough one lads-

So this is just a big long rambly vent, nothing important or interesting unless you want some epic (boring) Rindude lore lol

I got no one else to text it to so- slap it on the internet I'm sure this won't bite me in like 10 years time or something-

So anyways, my physical and mental health have been at their worst these last 2 years. Thought it reached rock bottom in like 2016-2017? But nah turns out I hadn't even downloaded all the secret awful emotions expansion pack dlc back then so- whoops.

Anyways so that's kinda why I joined tumblr? Like I'd been meaning to for a while cuz I like watching post reading videos on yt and I can't really talk to my friends about certain things cuz they're not mutual interests- (like twewy, rain code, basically anything post about fandom wise lol-) And on top of that I've kinda lost the person I used to say all my random thoughts to and share my art and ocs and writing with so... I guess I'm replacing them with the internet? It's the best I got for now. But that's all a story for another time ig-

I suppose it's funny though cuz in retrospect, my health being awful gave me a taste of a lot of experiences I wouldn't have properly understood otherwise like being in a wheelchair, coping with bouts of being mute and re-learning a lot of otherwise ordinary things like how to eat and even how to use stairs! (Gosh it sounds like I was in some tragic accident lol- I promise, I wasn't, I've never broken a bone before!) But it's just kinda... odd... how only I really notice the ways the physical side of my health issues has impacted me long term? Those around me think I want to learn sign language now on a whim and not because I now understand how hard it is to communicate when audible or written words aren't options. I see eating and food in a way I just didn't before. It's much more of a necessity then a joy compared to how things were before. Though don't get me wrong, I still love snacks!

I guess the point in tryna make is. I may have lost a friend. I may have - and will continue to - lose a lot of the stability in my life that I need. But it won't be this way forever. I hope. Enough people have proven that they're in this for the ling haul. They're going to stay. And I should focus on them and making sure they know I appreciate it!!! But... also... I'm totally down for making new friends too, any day of the week. I'm just a lil guy tho so... it's hard to keep new people interested cuz I tend to be either too much or too little... uh. Things. Will be better. They will be. I just need to keep going. Keep drawing. Keep writing. Keep eating. Keep walking. I can stagnate for a while, when I need. Dare I say it's healthy to do so sometimes!

Progress isn't a straight line. Neither is the road to recovery or even grief. I'm low now but I've already gotten a lot better then even just a month ago!

I'll feel awful sometimes.

But even just... existing... being alive. That means I'm winning. :>

[timeoverload]

I think I kicked ass today. I had 26 cases but it was steady so I didn't get too stressed out. Everything went pretty well for the most part. There was a case this morning that took over an hour so that delayed the surgeries in the afternoon. It was ok because we still got done right on time. I had so much shit to wrap and peel pack but I got it all done except for the instruments they used for the last case. It's ok, I will do those in the morning. I'm happy that cases don't start until 8am tomorrow so I will have an hour to get that done but I doubt it will take me that long to do one set.

I ate more today than I have in a while so I'm proud of myself. I ate breakfast and lunch. They had baked potato bar for lunch and it was ok but I couldn't eat it all because it was painful. I don't think they are having anything else this week that sounds good. They try to serve "fancy" food sometimes like what they have at the restaurant but it never turns out right. I suppose that could be because they don't even make the food in the building and it sits on the warmer too long. It makes me miss the food they served in the cafeteria when I was in school.

I was happy when I got home because I got a $175 refund check from one of the debt collectors because I must have overpaid. I'm not really sure what happened but I'm not complaining.

It feels nice to sit down because my leg has been bothering me today but it could be worse. I am just happy that it isn't unbearable and it hasn't affected my mood. I really haven't wanted to take muscle relaxers. I took one on Thursday night but I didn't say anything about it. I was upset about having to sit in the dark and I was sore. I just wanted to sleep. I regretted it because it fucked me up and made me feel bad. I didn't eat enough food with it either. I only had heart palpitations once but it was strong enough to scare me. The pharmacy keeps trying to get me to refill my prescription and I keep saying no. It's not worth it. I would like to have a beer sometime too because I haven't had one in a while since I was taking that medication for an extended period of time. I guess I could try to get some CBD but it hasn't helped much in the past. I'm sure I will figure something out eventually.

Anyway, I have been thinking about you all day today, Maxwell. You were in my dream last night and it was actually a good dream. You were singing me a silly song. I can't remember what you were singing about but I was smiling when I woke up so that was nice. I want to know what you are struggling with at work. I am wondering if it is sort of my fault. You don't really promote yourself because you are afraid to upset me. You don't want to post anything that is going to send the wrong message and make me run away so you don't share much at all. I am worried that you aren't getting enough clients because of that. You are very talented and I think you deserve more attention. I think you should start posting whatever you want on ig. I won't take anything personally. I want to see more of your art. I can just look at your tumblr if I want to know what is on your mind. It is easier that way. Of course I would rather talk to you in person but I understand that you need time. I think you are probably also under a lot of pressure from your co-workers so that might make this more difficult. I know that they care about you a lot and they want to see you happy. I'm sure it is overwhelming for you to have to talk about this stuff all of the time but I think it has been helpful for you. They are good friends and I am glad you have a strong support system. Everybody loves you. I have been telling you about what I've been doing and complaining to you about stuff for years but now it's your turn. I want to hear about how your day went. You can complain to me about whatever you want. You can always vent to me. You can tell me anything. I think that would help you because you bottle up your feelings and it's not good for you. I am just worried about you. I understand that you don't want to work all the time. I don't think anybody does. Work isn't the most important part of life. I think maybe it would be good for you to do more things you enjoy outside of work so you feel more balanced. Obviously I don't have all of the answers because I am basically married to my job but I want you to be happy. I want you to be successful in what you do, even if you feel that it isn't your calling. I think that you got that job for a reason though. You wouldn't have met me if you didn't work there. Our paths aligned for a reason. There's something magical about that place. I just want you to know that you are amazing at what you do. I am always excited to see what you come up with next. You have helped me more than you know and I'm a lot more confident than I used to be. I am thankful for you. I am proud of what you have accomplished. I think you have improved a lot of people's lives through your work, not just mine. You might not think of it much, but you truly do make a positive impact on so many people. I hope you will want to talk to me about stuff sometime. I love you so much. 💖💖💖

I need to relax now I think. I am probably going to make some food soon and get ready for bed. I'm not that hungry but I need to keep eating so my stomach doesn't shrink again. I'm trying to avoid caffeine at night too so that should help. I'm going to do my best to go to bed earlier than I did last night. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow. Thank you for listening. 💖💖💖

[suicidepostergirl1987]

I never post here because this was really only supposed to be a vent/ED blog and I haven't needed to use it but some stuff has been on my mind recently that I need to get off my chest.

I'm scared, like all the time, of my academic standing. For starters, I'm getting a film degree which is already a useless major to begin with but on top of that, I'm not even doing well in school. So I'm at risk of dropping out. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. I either graduate and have a useless art degree that doesn't qualify me for anything but a position as a minimum wage baristo or I dropout and well, I'm a dropout. I don't know if there's a place in society for college dropouts these days. I don't know if there's any way for me to make a living and pay my bills without an undergrad degree in this economy.

I'm not even sure my mother would still be willing to talk to me if I dropped out. Part of me is worried that if it happens, I'm getting disowned without a moment's notice. I haven't slept the last few nights because I've just been haunted by thinking about how I'm going to make a living without a degree and going through in my head how I'll need to pack if my mom decides I can't live under her roof anymore.

On top of all that, I've got the weight of the fucking world on my shoulders because my mother has told me that she's never met a transgender person she respected. Not because they're transgender but for all sorts of other reasons. Of the three trans people she knows one of them is a bipolar alcoholic, one of them is an abusive spouse, and the third is a college dropout who's started using opioids. If I can't succeed, then I'm just proving her right; that being trans somehow leads to a moral failing that makes us incapable of participating in society effectively. I can't do that. I can't be the evidence she uses when she talks about transgender people. I have to be so successful that I counteract all those other people she's met that she hates so much. I have to make up for their failings in her eyes or else I'm not worthy of love. I'm just another lazy, selfish, trans person who's too narcissistic to function.

I think, in her eyes, you have to be a narcissist to be transgender because why else would someone inflict their trans status upon their family unless they were incapable of understanding the consequences.

[loregoddess]

Violence breeds violence or... Something.

Anyway, 1, 16, 25 and one of your choice?

And the cycle never ends? or something I suppose.

1. the character everyone gets wrong

Oh, so many. I won't go on a list or anything bc I know 99% of them are "I seem to have a really specific way of reading characters and it seems to be very different from how pop fandom reads them" but god are there a lot. I think the most recent that I'm fine pointing out would be Ferdinand, Ashe, and Cyril from FE3H (amongst other characters), but I won't go into details bc I know you're holding off on spoilers.

Not specific to those characters but I still have a bone to pick: I think the general commonality is just that some fans latch on to some sort of surface aspect of characterization and decide the character's entire existence revolves around that instead of like, the actual nuance that the writing clearly shows otherwise. This especially irks me for characters explicitly stated or shown to mask or suppress a lot of their emotions but don't fall into the "stoic and emotionless" trope, like, whenever a character puts up some sort of façade that comes off as friendly or snarky or really anything that isn't an obvious "this is a mask to hide their inner emotions", then suddenly the fanon for the character becomes as interesting as a sack of flour. Which is an insult to sacks of flour to be honest.

Sometimes this is the fault of the writers or developers, like Fates is a goldmine of "I swear this character is really super interesting if you actually look at what writing they get" bc there's over 70 characters and I can imagine that was difficult to juggle on top of three different routes. But sometimes it's "this is literally one of the main characters who got all the writing, how did you miss all this about their characterization!!!" But again, this is very much probably a me thing, and it's not like I'm gonna fight people over how they chose to interpret a character.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Hmm, I'm not actually wildly fond of most "tsundere" characters bc they have to be a really, really specific flavor of tsundere for me to actually enjoy the characterization, but most of the time the character is so abrasive and rude that they just come off as an asshole.

Also--and this is not a jab at literally any artist in existence who's done this--but when shippy fanart emulates Gutav Klimt's "The Kiss" I want to throw a chair across the room. It's not that it's a bad painting, or even that I dislike Klimt bc I don't! Something about the figure posing for that painting specifically just gives me whatever the visual equivalent is to hearing nails on chalkboard, and I just. Really, really think there's more romantic historic paintings with less visually grating anatomy poses out there that can be emulated for shippy art. This is very much a Me thing, so again it's not like I'm gonna tell people to not draw fanart based on "The Kiss" bc everyone's free to do whatever they please and all, but the popularity of that one historic painting specifically is wild.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

Oh hmm, all the "Fates is bad" complaints (it really wasn't), almost everything around 3H, people comparing Engage's art-style to Genshin (it's not similar at all), complaints about how simple Engage's story/characters are (they aren't, but I'm not here to write a narrative analysis).

As a general rule for not-FE-specific examples, people ragging on what I call "black sheep games" (games in a series that are almost universally disliked by the fandom regardless of whether the game was good or not)--oooh, discussions and complaints about black sheep games drive me insane, no matter if I enjoyed the game or not, I just really, strongly dislike seeing hateful rants about how bad a game was for not being An Exact Copy Of The Series' Golden Child Game. Like sure, vent the frustrations, that's healthy and all, but keep the negativity out of the tags or at least tagged in a way that can be filtered for people cruising the tag and not looking for negativity at the very least.

for my personal choice, 10. worst part of fanon

Circling back to the first question, for me it's fanon character interpretations and headcanons that become so popular they end up as fanon. I find it frustrating because I like to theorycraft and think about characters based as closely to the canon text as I can, but revisiting the source text for accuracy sometimes isn't easy (especially if a game script hasn't been uploaded for a game that requires lots of hours to play). So while the experience of the original text can take up a lot of time, revisiting it isn't a constant or continual thing, whereas fandom continues the "story and characters" in a sense beyond the bounds of the original narrative. Which is a great way to keep things alive and stuff, but it also means that what a character was actually like in the original text can get warped through the simulacra of fandom, and popular fanon just speeds up that warping process. So if I want to revisit a character or even sometimes just worldbuilding lore stuff to have fun crafting some theories, I have to take a step back and try to figure out how much of the fanon stuff I've seen is actually accurate or not, and often have to go back to the original text anyhow and then be disappointed or frustrated with how much less interesting and nuanced the fanon typically is and how little discussion there is around what actually occurs in the original narrative.

Mind this isn't for like, every character or every bit of worldbuilding, since sometimes the fanon is "wow the writers were super sexist, maybe we should reinterpret this female character in a kinder light" and so while I'd still have to revisit the source text to understand the original characterization, the fanon might actually be more interesting in that regard. But this is...a rarity.

Also, sometimes a character's entire characterization gets sucked into the black hole that is fandom's obsession with shipping, and that's also frustrating bc then the character doesn't seem to exist in fan works outside of the ship, despite (very often at least) being their own individual character in the original text. Like listen, I don't hate shipping, I've got my own fleet of ships I enjoy or am partial to, but I wish it wasn't so central to some fandom spaces that occasionally a character's characterization vanishes into "part of this one popular ship".

[codegeassfacts]

50 Questions to Lelouch // Newtype Romance February 2007 // Canon

These are 50 questions asked to Lelouch in the Newtype Romance; While it's not that much interesting, it's still quite fun;

** @rainfall-tumbles already translated those, so please visit and reblog her link !

My observations will be noted as such by **Italic thoughts**

What's your Birthday ? December 5th

Blood Type ? Type A.

**Blood type is very telling about the personnality for japanese people**

Your height is? 178 cm

Favorite color? Violet. Because it is a refined color, and it has the greatest mysterious appeal.

**It was either Violet or black** Hobbies ? I like making things by myself , sort of do it yourself stuff

**handmade stuff actually**

Liberal arts? Sciences? Or are you more the athletic type? What a meaningless question.

What's your best subject? Mathematics. What are your grades like ? I think they're quite high, but I'm not sure/ don't care

Your dream for the future? To destroy Britannia.

Please describe your personality in between two characters and six. Rock. In other words, I don't let small things get to me. Yes I do? Don't be absurd.

**Quarelling with the journalist ?**

Please tell us what your strong and weak points are. I've never really thought about that.

Favorite foods? Creamy food, or tender texture food. Like shrimp, or pudding.

Your least favorite foods? Gooey/gummy foods. Things like natto, or grated yam.

**He seems more focused on texture taste that actual taste** After you wake up, what's the first thing you eat/drink ? Coffee. Morning person? Night person? Night person. I'm like the owl of Minerva. Which do you prefer, baths or showers? I tried using a narrow bathtub for the first time after arriving Japan. As long as it's just once in a while, it's nice enough. **He has a real bathtub at his disposal in Ashford though, does he barely use it ?** When did you first fall in love? (And with whom?) I'd rather keep that to myself. **Incest. It's complicated to describe.** Your greatest failure? When I couldn't protect my mother and sister. How do you vent your frustrations?

I determine the root reason of my frustrations and take care of it. Then there's nothing to vent anymore.

Who would you say is your personal hero? My mother. **Obviously this interview happened before R2** Indoor type? Outdoor type? I won't bother thinking about that, as I can't imagine the interest of this categorization. What's in your wallet?

There is no cash. I use credit card.

Special skill?

I suppose you can say I'm clever with my hands.

How do you go to school?

I live on campus.

When have you been glad to be a man? I've never imagined what it would be like to be a woman. **impressive given he had to cross dress quite a few times** What do you most want to eat right now?

Curry Udon. This food surpasses cultural barriers.

Describe your ideal family situation.

In traditional Japanese architecture, there's this concept of a central pillar. A single pillar that supports the entire house. I think the head of a household should be like that. **This is so Lelouch like, it's the very fondation of how he acts with the one he loves, he had to endure everything.*

Favorite season?

Winter. Because it helps me keep focus. I don't really like summer, it brings back unpleasant memories.

Do you get up easily in the morning, or is it a struggle? I kind of struggle. I have low blood pressure, after all. How many hours of sleep do you get on average? Approximately three ? But, with some naps throughout the day, it might be more like six hours. Your last dream? I dreamt a meteorite landed on and crushed me. I blame C.C.'s atrocious sleeping posture.

**He never actually accepted to sleep on the floor right ? I can totally see C.C. kicks him in the guts while dreaming**

How much time does it take you to get ready in the morning? I've never paid attention. Do you have anyone you admire? Arthur. Please tell us how you spend your holidays. Holiday? this concept is unknown to me (He never takes holiday)

Western food or Japanese food? What is western food ? Oh, a generic term? Then, western, I guess, I like Italian. **I never would have imagined Lelouch craving italian food, I hope it's not again because of pizza hut, this is not italian food** If you could be born again, what would you like to be? Arthur.

What have you been really into lately? Creating an organization, I suppose. Your favorite animal? Cats. They're lithe and beautiful. Like a waltz. Even if Arthur is more like a pop song.

Of the necessities of life (clothing, food, shelter), which is the most important? Shelter. It's a person's base of operations, as well as their place of refuge; It is fundamental to any country.

**Ahh Lelouch...** Sorry to spring this on you, but what is love? Something given unconditionally. **Something he indeed gave unconditionnally at the end of the anime ** Please take a guess at what you'll be like 30 years from now. I'd like you to pray for me that my hair won't become anything like that man's… *....*

If you could travel through time, when would you go back?

I guess, if I would still remember what I actually know, I'd be able to prevent all of it from happening…

Favorite book? (Or what magazines do you read frequently?) Lord of the Rings, The prince of Machiavel, Hamlet… **Of course they had to mention the prince, but the lords of rings ? One might wonder who were his favorite characters and what he loved about this story** Your preferred type of woman? A soft person. You know what I mean ?

*Fuwa fuwa na ito >> As a toughtful blogger reminded me, Lelouch said person, not woman ;) ; Fuwa fuwa with the "you know what I mean ?" can actually means something more ecchi than soft girls, so it's either soft (sweet girls) or soft (ecchi sense) girls, or both (or boys, no gender preference over here). Lelouch could have been more hormonal than we knew**

Is it better to devote yourself, or to have someone else devote themselves to you? I find it more fulfilling to want than to be wanted.

**Why not both Lelouch ?**

Did you receive any Valentine's Day chocolate? How much?

I will not answer that. …"probably none ?" I got some! Not as many as Nunnally, though, for whatever reason.

**Now that is surprising, wasn't the whole school head over heel in love with him ?**

What would you do with a million yen? (Like if you won the lottery?) I'd invest them and make ten times the ammount. What type of person is Suzaku? Softhearted to the point of turning stupid We've already reached the forty-ninth question. Are you getting tired? I've been tired since question 5.

What do you want for Christmas? A sewing machine. I plan to update my cloak and mask.

[ottiliere]

Ok so, 2 things

1. Oh? System Dirks are coming in here to show their appreciation? Because ours also DEVOURS this AU. It is genuinely so relatable and cathartic. When people don't think sharing vent art is good, I point at this AU and how it shows the ugly side of recovery so perfectly.

2. I was idly scrolling through the JTHM tag as I do frequently and got such intense whiplash seeing your recent post about asks in it. Like. Complete opposite side of our dash radar. What is this I hear about a JTHM ask?? I am fascinated already I font care if it's related to Dirk or not I just genuinely would love to hear your thoughts on it.

1) pulling all the dirks who follow me in for a hug through the walls of my plastic isolation bubble. it really makes me so happy to hear this. I can't give an extended answer to this point because I spent so much time talking about the next one but I hope you feel the mind waves of love I am bombarding you with.

2) The ask I got was in fact about Dirk, but as I'm drafting it it is...drifting...very much...into being about JTHM. "hear my thoughts on it" … this would be nothing shorter than a dissertation. I think about JTHM very often. I don't think it's possible for me to be concise about this in any sense of the word.

JTHM, to me, is one of the formative experiences that made me who I am. It is one of my favorite pieces of fiction ever made, that I have ever engaged with, and I know for a fact I will struggle to find something that is told in such a captivating way from an author with such an open soul. I discovered fanart of it by chance on DeviantArt, and, being naturally drawn towards edgier themes, searched everywhere on the internet until I found it uploaded onto some woman's livejournal account. I was obsessed with JTHM for a very, very long time. I reread it periodically, once or twice a year, and I have been doing this since I was 12. It has heavily influecned the way I go about making art and telling stories and engaging with everything I watch or read or what have you.

Everything about this comic blew my mind as a child, artistically absolutely, thematically especially. The narrative style that is glib with occasional moments of morose clarity that never lasts too long... we will never see anything like the suicide scene in anything else ever written again, of that I'm sure. It is unique in its existence. once you read that it unlocks something in your brain and you just can't go back. Multiplied by a million if you read it at a formative age you weren't really supposed to be reading it. Like homestuck.

Nny... he is the base of the character trope I always return to in fiction, usually unconsciously. I didn't realize that what I was doing to dirk mirrored nny until some friends pointed it out... it is a fascinating phenomenon. He is the first of his kind I have ever encountered in anything, ever. Blatantly unwell, the focus of a story that isn't necessarily slotting him into an antagonistic role. Like, he's the protagonist who I guess is also the antagonist but he's also a human. He's this guy with severe mental illness who is lead around like a puppet on strings first by the society that torments him for existing and then by the creature living in his walls that steals his memory and cognitive ability and manipulates him into doing his bidding. I had never seen that before? Usually I am not one for "made mentally ill by inorganic sources" trope, but the fact that it's stated in the comic that he was already seriously unwell before he became a flusher... it's just sad. He is not a good person, but his life is inherently tragic and the outcome of a society that does not care for him, or people like him, at all. forgive me for the comparison, but he is like the joker 2019. I mean this in a way that I love joker 2019. if you didn't like joker, well. sorry. but it's true.

This ties in, obviously, with the way that Jhonen goes about fiction: he does whatever he wants, to an extent. I have recently very closely befriended some individuals and while pondering how we were meshing so well on the creative side of htings, it eventually came to light that the singlemost defining moment in our lives was how we all read JTHM at a very young age. And it is insane, stepping back and looking at all of our narrative and art styles and seeing that the similarities we've all evolved independently stemmed from JTHM, in addition to our view of what it's like to be an artist. we are but jhonen's warriors in a world that is currently characterized by a very homogenized mixture of “art”. I mean, just look at the current box office trend. look at the “genre” that is marvel movies. not that I don’t enjoy marvel movies, I DO like them, my loki phase was strong and hard, but objectively... these things are what they are: mass-produced consumables. there is a reason people got excited when it was announced that Cronenberg was making a new film (which was awesome btw); art is dying. milquetoast narratives, stories afraid to push boundaries and be "weird", authors not trusting the audience to pick up on their intended message so instead of leaving it just a little ambiguous, they must instead spoonfeed it to every reader... There is some equation of what it means to make art and how it equates with your moral standing; my stance has always aligned with dear Jhonen's.

in a way my view of the world is the direct inverse of nny's; I truly believe in the best of people, I love humanity, I love the world and I am fundamentally incapable of being outwardly cruel towards others. my natural setting is to logically empathize, to put myself in the shoes of other people and look at their life the way they're living it. there is nothing more important to me than showing unconditional positive regard towards others. I have not always been this way. I used to foster great amounts of animosity in my heart for the things that have been done to me. I used to be an abjectly miserable person, I used to be violently suicidal every day for years and years and years etc. now though... I don't know how to describe it. something alights upon you after vast quantities of self-reflection, detached from the scrying eyes of swathes of people, of strangers, fandom most relevantly but I do also mean society as a whole. at this point in my life there is nothing more important to me than being a nice person, and helping others in what ways I can. if that's through posting raw depictions of mental illness, I will happily do so. I didn't realize that people didn't KNOW they can do this, and it is heartwarming that I can touch people in such a way even parasocially. I have worked on myself, I love people and I love when people are weird and their true creative selves because that is what the world needs in this day and age. art is dying. If you let bitterness into your heart it will consume you. it will cloud your judgment and prevent you from making a true connection to the medium, it will block you from making what you REALLY want to make. It will poison how you interact with other humans on a fundamental level, if you are constantly walking into interactions suspecting the worst intentions.

it almost seems like critical thinking is a dying skill...or, at least, it is when it comes to interacting with art and not relying on other people to tell you what to think. but even still I still do not hold ire towards those who seek me harm for what I make. I do not answer many of the asks I get on purpose, the death threats, etc... because these people are hurting in a multitude of ways, and they have not yet learned how to cope with their own pain. You could call being an optimist a character flaw, maybe it is. I don't know. That is, for better or worse, the epitome of what I am: an unrelenting pollyanna who believes in the best of people and the potential they have to heal. The one anon hate I got about the AU months ago that I actually deigned with an answer; they eventually came off anon and admitted they were just frustrated they didn't know how to properly use tumblr's UI to filter me off their dashboard and displaced their emotions onto me. They apologized. Such is life. We are all humans inhabiting this great big earth and I love to love people. contrary to what I depict in my art, I am a very happy person. I love my friends and I'm currently in a very good life situation with occasional downfalls and eventual upturns. Jhonen, I know, as stated in the second interview image, was often like this as well. nny was a speakerphone for little observations about life and pessimism; he was a character, a means to tell a story.

so ya I guess those are some of my thoughts about JTHM. not all of them though. here’s some nny