#I suppose some of it is vent art but I'm not sure. I can't really draw when I'm in a venting condition

[yarmiko-art]

"Have you ever hated yourself so much, you wanted to rip your eyes out?"

[666writingcafe]

An Interview With Simeon

Part Six

Question One: How do you feel right now?

A little tired, but otherwise okay.

Question Two: Would you rather live in the city or in the woods?

I find a lot more inspiration in the woods, plus there aren't nearly as many people. MC says that I'm an introvert because I get my energy from being alone, and I think they might be right. Not that there's anything wrong with groups of people; they just can be draining at times.

Question Three: Do you believe in soulmates?

Absolutely. But I don't believe in exclusivity. There are many types of soulmates, not just the romantic kind. Like, Luke and I are familial soulmates. I was meant to be his guardian, and he was meant to be my kid. *pauses* Don't tell Luke I said that. He hates it when I call him that.

Question Four: Who is the first person you call when you are happy or sad?

When I want to express good news, I call Raphael. He and I have grown fairly close since the war. But he's what I would call a fair-weather friend. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to hear about my struggles, and I've made peace with that. (So who do you call when you need to vent about something?) It depends on what it is. If I just want to gossip, then I reach out to Solomon, but if it's deeper and more existential, I call either MC or Mammon. MC is a great listener, and Mammon's been through a lot of the same things I have. Plus, he's actually willing to share his emotions with me, unlike a certain dark-haired demon I know.

Question Five: What makes you smile on bad days?

Luke and MC doing something together. They're quite cute.

Question Six: How would you feel if your daydreams became real?

In some ways, they already have. Unfortunately, I can't reveal much more than that, or I'd be in a lot of trouble.

Question Seven: What are you proud of right now?

I recently overcame a really bad case of writer's block.

Question Eight: What are you scared about not accomplishing in life?

Contentment.

Question Nine: What do you think about casual relationships and long-term relationships?

I think it's important to communicate those kind of boundaries upfront and check back in frequently to see if they need to change. Otherwise, the relationship isn't going to last, and one or both parties are going to be unhappy.

Question Ten: What do people say about you that you like?

Do you mind if I go on a bit of a tangent? (Does it pertain to the question?) Yes. (Then go ahead.) So, MC gives the best compliments. They have a way of looking deep inside someone's soul and saying what they need to hear. It can get very specific. (Give me an example.) MC once told me that the words I write rival the greatest pieces of art in the human world. They were reading a short story I wrote about nature, except nature was a metaphor for something--or rather, someone else. *pauses* Just thinking about it is making it hard for me to focus on this interview, and I'm sure you have more questions to ask, so we should move on.

Question Eleven: How would you define love?

What an...interesting question. *clears throat* I'd say love consumes you. You can feel it from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, but its pull is strongest inside your heart. (Have you felt that way about someone before?) I feel that way about someone now, but to reveal who it is would cause an uproar. (Do they at least know how you feel?) Yes, and they've agreed to keep it private.

Question Twelve: How much value do you place on other people’s appreciation?

A lot more than I should. I'm not supposed to care too much about people's opinion of me, because my relationship with Father is suppose to supersede all of that.

Question Thirteen: Have you broken someone’s heart?

Yes.

Question Fourteen: What do you think about “love at first sight?”

I've seen it happen once. A bunch of us did, actually. (Was it during the initial exchange program?) *smiles* It was.

Question Fifteen: If you woke up tomorrow as a person of the opposite gender, what would you do?

The same stuff that I do now. I know, not very exciting. Technically, I could change my physical form to a person of the opposite gender if I wanted to. We only look this way as to not scare off humans. But I like my current appearance. I feel it matches how I feel on the inside.

Question Sixteen: What is the most ridiculous thing you have ever bought for yourself?

A 200 pack of glitter gel pens.

Question Seventeen: What was your last Doogle search?

As soon as I say it, you'll know exactly why I searched for it: "how to put out a magically-induced fire".

Question Eighteen: What do you think attracts people to you?

I'm able to appear calm and peaceful. It doesn't always reflect what I'm feeling, but that's a whole other story.

Question Nineteen: What color is your aura?

A light shade of baby blue.

Question Twenty: If the world ended tomorrow, would you survive?

With help, yes. If I was by myself, however...I don't think I'd last very long.

Question Twenty-One: If your house was on fire, what is the first thing you're grabbing?

Luke. Objects can be replaced. He can't.

Question Twenty-Two: If you could take your favorite celebrity on a date, where would you go?

They enjoy late-night picnics at the park. (You say that as though you've already been on a date with your favorite celebrity.) That's because I have. Several times, as a matter of fact. Although, their fame is subjective. They're not nearly as famous where they come from as they are here in the Devildom.

Question Twenty-Three: If you could shapeshift into an animal, which one would you be?

A human world Arctic fox.

Question Twenty-Four: If you could do anything without any judgment, what would you do right now?

It would require a hotel room with a magical lock on it, soundproof walls, and lots of...shall we say, supplies.

Question Twenty-Five: Do you easily get scared?

Not anymore. I used to, and then the war happened.

Question Twenty-Six: Can you keep a secret?

Can you? *awkward silence* (We should wrap this up.) Good idea.

Question Twenty-Seven: Have you ever felt tongue-tied on a date?

Yes.

Question Twenty-Eight: Can you spend a whole night awake?

I have many times before, and I probably will do many more times in the future.

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr, @tenkobitch, @budbuddnbuddy

[alex31624]

Duck Comic Reading Club Week 7: Paperinik New Adventures: Earthquake

Ok, let's get to the point, this issue is the best one yet. An amazing story and a gorgeous art combined.

Oh God, the art. The Francesco Guerrini work here is astonishing. The use of the colors is masterful. Brilliant in every aspect.

This week story start with an earthquake on Duckburg. No major disaster occurred, except for good old uncle Scrooge.

Why do you insurance your oil rig with your own insurance company?

I mean, I got that he didn't have to pay himself the quota for the service, but now you have to pay for the damages. So, stop complaining you crazy old bird.

But One found out something fishy about the earthquakes, and is up to Donald to investigate this. Is so funny that Duckburg is Paperopoli in italian. Is better than Patolandia tho.

PK took one of the many vehicles at the Tower, and went for a ride, super hero style.

This page is a piece of beauty.

We got a new character, Mary Ann Flagstarr, a PBI agent. Tough lady.

PK had had encounters with the police, but now, he faced federal agents. My boy is not making any friends.

But, you know? A vigilante, a superhero, can't work with the authority. So, yeah, go get them PK.

Another new character, Professor Morgan Fairfax. What a nice fella, I'm sure he has never done anything wrong in his life.

One knows something is not right, they need to keep investigating. But now, is time to go back to the world of cyber space.

Another beautiful page, this issue can't miss.

But is hard to step into a federal database without anyone noticing, so they got caught. Thankfully, One was one step ahead and got himself a great scapegoat.

Oh, now you don't like spread misinformation, right jerk?

He didn't face any charge, and, to be fair, he was innocent. But, if being ugly was a crime, he would get the chair.

Back to the Professor, and he's making some really evil looking smirks. Could it be that he's not the nice guy that we though?

Also, another banger page.

PK infiltrates in the building, using some advance tech. One is a cheat code, and here's being used at his fullness.

PK had a weird Donald moment, when he stuck in the vent, fall to the ground, and got face to face with the worst security guard ever.

Hey, masked vigilante sneaked in this government facility that I supposed to be looking after. I'm gonna make some lame jokes, and then I'm gonna miss the shots less than a meter away.

Don't come in the morning pal.

You know? I'm starting to think that this guy Fairfax is not that nice.

Yeah, yeah, he's the bad guy. Trying to burn PK alive is in my Being Bad Bingo.

And yet another absolutely gorgeous page. Is amazing.

Thankfully, One and his infinite tech come to the rescue. PK also save the guard, because he's a hero.

Now, this one part was kinda weird. Agent Flagstarr has been shown trough the issue as tough, focus agent, that wants to get the job done. But, a few words of Fairfax and a gift are enough to make her dismiss orders.

Also, that face… you can't trust someone with that face…

Now we found about Fairfax plan. He wants to create a earthquake strong enough that the whole planet would change, and new land would appear.

At the cost of the entire west coast being destroyed.

The worst part? One agrees with him. What the hell man? Not cool One, not cool.

PK got in the plane and try to stop Fairfax, but Flagstarr was in his way. The agent was conflicted on what to do. Madam, help the guy who doesn't want to destroy the whole west coast. Is not that hard.

Man, the art on this issue is out of control.

PK is so cool.

Finally, One got a change of heart, if you can said that, and helped PK to stop this madness. I knew One wasn't a psychopath.

But that last image of the device at the bottom of the sea is quite unsettling.

What can I said? This was awesome. I love all the detective PK stuff, the danger was palpable, One almost got Duckburg destroy. The art was magnificent, the colors were vibrant, it looked beautiful in general.

Hands down, the best one yet.

[starnervefan]

Its nice to see the fandom back after all these years haha

...uh... y-yeah,.. sure. I suppose so.

I almost preferred when the fandom was small lol

[somewhat negative fandom vent under the cut, it's not all negative though]

It doesn't make much difference to me how big or active the fandom is, because I still feel left out sometimes. But I just can't get into the popular ships.

it's not as bad as 2015. I was scared to share much of my art/ideas back then. I don't feel like that so much any more (because people don't care about my ship one way or the other, but more importantly because of some very supportive friends)

I've made some really good friends here, though mostly before the sequel (we're the OGs ✊)

There is still a fair share of drama/assholes, but you'll get that in any big fandom. I'm just glad to have met the people I met

[syntaxaero]

maybe not a public-able ask but I wanted to say that you've been a great force in people's lives and it might be a good time to have friends to confide in or spend time with. You're a really motivational artist too ! I couldn't imagine drawing with the emotional exhaustion you've probably got going on. Get some people to just hang in a call with more often; watch shows, parallel play or whatever floats your boat. People are increasingly more internet focused but we're still social critters and you might just need more of that. That aside though, your art really motivated me to draw more diverse body shapes! I can't say I have romantic feelings for you but I have a ton of respect that gets in the way of . trying to talk to you in any wholesale capacity. That's worth something I'm sure! TL:DR you got a ton of admirers and people to lean on, keep your chin up and ask a friend to help when it gets hard.

honestly the silver-lining with the break-up has been that ive just. been drawing whatever the fuck i wanted to now. I can get weirder with it without feeling judged by someone so important to me.. im really just doing it to comfort myself

and i have been sooorta trying to get in calls and just been rotating around a bunch of discord servers since im really just Hungry for socialization anyways but . socializing hard ! (autism yayy). and also im just Not Able To Confide To One Person Unless I'm Extremely Comfortable With Them

ironically im venting out all this on a fucking. wide open public Tumblr page but i suppose the audience I've gathered here feels . comfortable to me? idk. I'm probably also just fed up with dealing with negative emotions and screaming out in the wild in hopes that someone can pick me up and wiggle me around forever . and would rather not pin all this frustration to one single person who may or may not be equipped for my emotional distress.

and thank youu. I never really doubt my art ability and am certainly aware people cherish my art and characters- ill Never Forget That Ever

[bredforloyalty]

i watch rnm 06x07 (late, as always) and wow the show just keeps getting worse! my issue isn't even the meta jokes (and the jokes ABOUT meta jokes), it's that it's so boring! it's completely lost it's charm imo. like some episodes this season have been fantastic but overall she is flopping </3

ohh it's interesting that you think that, thank you for indulging me angel :] <33

i wanted to answer this later (contrary to popular belief i have ""obligations"" mainly bc of something called """university""") (🤢) but it wouldn't let me rest so let me just say this: you're right but i don't agree gydnfy but also i agree.

i didn't like the latest episode, this is nothing that others haven't said but pointing out that a concept is forced, that it sucks, doesn't make it suck less haha.. "not a likable premise" is right, i don't know if we were supposed to disagree with rick but i mean, i couldn't, it's like the joke is just on the audience now. and it felt like the writers needed to vent. i still enjoyed some moments a lot and actually when i watched it with my sister i forgave some jokes i groaned at the first time, like it grew on me just a tiny bit on a second watch but it's a no from me, specifically because of the meta bullcrap

i also happen to have a problem with what morty (as in the writers through morty) said about creativity, i'm no big shot tv show writer (lmaoo) but i think if that's how they view art/creating, we've got some ,, issues mayhaps! but it's whatever that's just one detail, my real complaint is that the episode wasn't really fun, creative or funny, and it felt like it hated itself. sorry for being harsh it's out of genuine love. and i think when a show's actually clever, there should be no need to remind us and poke fun at trite concepts and at shitty jokes. it's not like i know better but umm 🧐 get off the high horse and Do the clever stuff, Balance sci-fi with drama and comedy, Be earnest. or perish, you know. but that's just my opinion

anyway sorry i went on a bit of a tangent there, the season as a whole isn't a flop in my opinion, it's just all in the process of evolving. there are things that changed that i'm happy about and things that i'm not happy about.. the pacing felt smoother, apart from maybe full meta jackrick they didn't do that thing where they take on too much in a single episode (and then it's a fast-paced mess full of incomprehensible sci-fi jargon gydgxy), i think the storytelling was a bit better... i like what they're doing with canon, i like that they chose to take away portal travel and make the first half family-oriented and more sitcom-y, i think that was needed. bethcest was daring. i think there's a lot to like about this season

whether the show's truly funny at this point is arguable (but if you don't think it is funny at all, why watch lol) - i think there were a decent number of laughs, it's not the best r&m can do, it's not a Great season, but i'd argue this show has never been consistently great. unless you count the first season! kind of. being a season one elitist is one way to live but it seems a bit limiting and i really do enjoy each of the five seasons before this to varying degrees and for slightly different reasons. shows that aren't sure what they're doing from the get-go or shows that aren't sure how to keep up interest and keep the story going and have it be consistent are always highly divisive because like,, they give you a lot to play around with.... a lot to consider, many different things you can like about it. so of course we have different ideas of what it should be

i don't even know what the point i wanted to make is, but i will say that i don't see season 6 as worse or boring, i see it as different. fundamentally different, maybe that's why it can't be as funny or funny in the same way or satisfy me personally. with the many people who seem to love the new developments, rick being gentler and whatnot, i'm inclined to say "the ideas i have about the best direction for rick and morty and the ideas the writers have (+ the wishes of long-time fans) are growing farther apart" instead of "the show's deteriorating"

we could've had more morty this season. the show is its best imo when the rick-morty dynamic is front and center and that's where my personal dissatisfaction and my ideas and wishes come in: i think season 6 does many things right, but the aspect of this show that's the most integral to my enjoyment and that made it particularly special to me is barely there anymore. i am not interested in rick being careful, apologetic or considerate, especially with his grandson, that's not what i signed up for and they couldn't make me believe the shift in the dynamic or appreciate it, really. i just think rick and morty are less compelling this way, in that regard it's boring to me too!! and i never opposed rick becoming a better person/less controlling! lol i just don't buy it if it happens this way. i saw someone say the show lost its teeth, i referred to it as having been castrated gyshy and i do feel that. i miss the teeth.

[tryst-art-archive]

Before I put the dA descript, allow me to add the context that "Shout It Out" was an art meme that went around dA in late '07. The idea was to make vent art where you got the things you don't usually say out of your system, using a particular format.

To summarize: When I tried to do the Shout It Out meme, I short-circuited. I sat on this thing for months (which is evidenced in the archive, too) because I couldn't decide about putting the things I wanted to shout into the piece.

I remember I filled several pages of a large sketchbook with things to write into the piece. I haven't looked at it in a few years, but I remember the last time I did, it was pretty triggering stuff. It was very raw, and I was in a lot of (emotional) pain when I wrote it.

The choice to post this as a loud silence was very deliberate, although obviously I waffled about it. Whatever I may say in the description, the loud silence was supposed to be emblematic of how much I felt I couldn't say, for fear of upsetting the people around me or because I inevitably wouldn't be understood. In some cases, it was a physical inability. There have been many times when I've tried to express something vulnerable only to have my throat physically close up and prevent me from doing so.

I'm not going to look for the sketchbook write-up of what was supposed to be here, but I do have some of the notes digitized. A selection of those are below the cut.

But this is the most important one: "I almost wish I had been born a gay man; I don't know why."

"I HATE SCHOOL but I'm an HONORS STUDENT so I'll go to college anyway."

"I HATE MYSELF and have for a long time."

"I MAKE UP EXCUSES and BLAME OTHERS for my FAILURES and SHORTCOMINGS because I can't bear to shoulder the responsibility myself."

"I am FUCKING HORNY all the FUCKING TIME."

"I fear abandonment."

"I GAVE UP on art for the same reason I QUIT gymnastics and swimming when I was LITTLE; IT STOPPED COMING EASILY TO ME."

"I FEEL GUILTY about being UNHAPPY."

"I NEVER LOVED another person UNTIL I MET MARE; that's why she's my best friend."

"The PLAY Pippin SCARES ME BECAUSE IT DESCRIBES ME."

"I am convinced that I'm the only person who feels as I do despite all evidence to the contrary."

"I LIKE MEN, but I feel like no one knows it."

"I AM AFRAID TO POST THIS; I AM AFRAID TO WRITE IT DOWN. For every one thing I say, I have left 3 things unsaid."

"No one can "read" me. I put on so many acts and masks that I am not sure who I am or when I'm really being sincere."

"I am self-conscious about everything; I fear being disliked."

"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY 'NO,' and I KNOW that it will get me in trouble one day."

"I can't draw or write anything pornographic because it embarrasses me."

"I AM INSECURE, but nobody seems to know it."

"I WANT TO LOVE SOMEONE ENOUGH TO LIVE FOR THEM; Dying would be too easy."

"I AM EASILY OVERRIDDEN; I AM A DOG ON A LEASH"

"KNOW THAT WHEN I PROTEST, I AM FIGHTING MYSELF TO DO SO."

"PLEASE KNOW WHAT I WANT AND NEED because I cannot make myself say even if it's something as simple as a glass of water."

"I think that I will be a terrible mother. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A DAUGHTER."

"LET ME SLEEP UNTIL WE GET TO THE GOOD PARTS!"

"I MAKE THINGS HARD FOR MYSELF and I don't know why."

"I REFUSE TO LET PEOPLE SEE ME cry."

"I want you to think 'There is a girl who truly hurts, but, oh, see how she triumphs despite!' in admiration."

"I don't know what I'm going to do next year"

"I feel OUT OF PLACE with other people; that's why I'm antisocial."

"I DO NOT BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE AND I NEVER HAVE not even when I was small."

"LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SPEAK, GODDAMIT!"

"I wish I were OMNISCIENT."

"I REGRET almost everything."

"I DON'T EXPECT TO EVER BE HAPPY, I ONLY HOPE I WILL BE."

"I LOVE VIDEOGAMES AND WISH TO BE RECOGNIZED FOR IT."

"I fear blindness, deafness, old age, balding, and becoming ugly. I fear forgetting."

"I almost wish I had been born a gay man; I don't know why."

"I like girly, pretty shoes. I never buy any because I know I'll wear them all of once if I ever wear them at all."

"I like songs that RELEASE ME."

"I have trouble expressing myself."

"I miss my childhood, but I also realize that I've romanticized it in my head."

"I believe people are basically rotten at heart."

"I HAVE DOUBLE STANDARDS."

"Without people to say 'It's time for dinner,' I probably wouldn't eat just out of laziness."

"I'm afraid that I'm annoying."

"I’M SHY. I don’t do half the shit I want to.I’M A GOOD GIRL. I don’t do half the shit I want to.I’M A GOOD LIAR. So I get away with doing the half that I do do."

"iBottle."

"NO MATTER WHERE I GO, I FEEL LIKE I DON'T BELONG."

"I'm afraid to say 'I wish...' because I'm worried that my wish will come true."

[silentmassacres]

mon, oct 28

separation, maturity, and secrecy

i'm rambly today.

thinking about how things like this are viewed as an art of sorts. there's art in suffering when everybody wants to be a tortured artist, isn't there?

a part of me feels that it's almost immature. the sentiment of grow up and deal with it resounds within me. but sitting here, with my online vent blog, complaining about how the internet makes misery into this thing to be projected onto an audience is hypocritical. i don't think i want an audience. i don't think so.

—

i have a tendency to look down upon others. it's not a conscious thing. but the thing is, i am, objectively, othered. when you're placed apart from others, there's hardly a neutral option. at least with how you're treated or viewed. you're either above or below others. i'm sick of being below and unfortunately sweet neutrality is out of my grasp.

i can't live another year of forcing myself below others for their satisfaction. if i'm to live in the shadow of difference then i'll at least view myself in a positive light, at least in that instance.

—

i like to view myself as more mature than others. i guess it's right, considering. pretty much every older person in my life would verify. people see it as rude to recognize that; i don't fully see why i shouldn't be allowed to express that, especially if it makes me feel negatively — if you're upset about being perceived as immature, why not grow? i wish i was older, so it would be normal.

it's hard, emotionally. maybe it's trauma or maybe it's just something i grew up with. but i've always been regarded as emotionally mature. and i'm sure every single traumatized kid could say the same thing but do they mean it? have you genuinely been mistaken for twice your age, or was it just a predator saying that to make you feel special?

—

i dislike talking about my experiences with internet predators. i was smart. i knew what game i was playing. i never fell into any of it, not really.

there's plenty of instances i can't remember. maybe one or two that i can remember, but only one of those was i unaware. and so was everybody else involved. can i be blamed?

i see plenty of people talk about. falling for it, i guess. i suppose it's a pro to be smart enough at a young age to not get seriously involved. maybe they knew and didn't care. it seems silly to me, but i understand — desperation will do that to you.

i haven't. actively sought out anybody like that in a long time. my risky sexual behavior was limited to people my age, thank god. not that it helps, i guess, but it's far better than it could've been; i'd rather leave feeling used rather than feeling like a toy for some creep. i'm better than that. i have to be

—

that's part of my issue. things could be much worse. things have been bad, to be fair. but i look at other people and their misfortunes and i know it's worse. i try to avoid victimblaming, obviously, but i do. wonder if it gets to a point. it got to a point with me, where i knew what creeps wanted and i knew how to not get hurt. is it the same for others? did they not know, or did they genuinely not care?

but again, things could be worse. things could be a hell of a lot worse if i didn't know how to. deal with things. i know how to regulate my emotions and reactions, so i don't act out in the way that others might. even when i really fucking want to.

and it's funny, really. the times where i do allow myself to do that — the times in which i'll broadcast an episode or lash out or do anything impulsive, it turns on me. because i've set up this standard. i set the standard for perfection and when i don't meet it, i feel as though i'm met with contempt rather than understanding.

that's probably part of why i'm so withdrawn about my emotions anyways. not even probably, i know it is. i know from a very young age that displaying upset was a threat, and thus i learned to deal with things on my own. nobody was going to fix it for me. i think others may be behind on that thinking

—

sometimes i wonder if it's worth it to improve certain things. do you really want me to open up about every awful thought and feeling, or do you just like the illusion of me being open?

i often find myself feeling hysterical in some sense when i'm like this. my hormones are out of control right now, and thus, so am i. i don't think anybody really grasps that, but that's fine, i guess. again, i don't expect any actual help at this point.

i have to consider whether i should genuinely give up some things, such as my emotional secrecy, or if that's solely for the contentment of others. i'm tired of pleasing others when it drains me. unfortunately, that's all interaction tends to be. (this isn't true. i'm prone to black and white thinking and focusing on specific feelings which are amplified by both that and the hormone issue)

—

i really wish i had some sort of professional help. i'm tired of trying to explain my issues to receive zero help at all. i need somebody on a similar level as me to listen and actually do something

i think it's funny if i'm expected to just know what is and isn't required for healing. it feels that way sometimes, like i'm supposed to just fix everything on my own. i'm so tired of living in that

[rindragon-from-twewy]

This week bouta be a rough one lads-

So this is just a big long rambly vent, nothing important or interesting unless you want some epic (boring) Rindude lore lol

I got no one else to text it to so- slap it on the internet I'm sure this won't bite me in like 10 years time or something-

So anyways, my physical and mental health have been at their worst these last 2 years. Thought it reached rock bottom in like 2016-2017? But nah turns out I hadn't even downloaded all the secret awful emotions expansion pack dlc back then so- whoops.

Anyways so that's kinda why I joined tumblr? Like I'd been meaning to for a while cuz I like watching post reading videos on yt and I can't really talk to my friends about certain things cuz they're not mutual interests- (like twewy, rain code, basically anything post about fandom wise lol-) And on top of that I've kinda lost the person I used to say all my random thoughts to and share my art and ocs and writing with so... I guess I'm replacing them with the internet? It's the best I got for now. But that's all a story for another time ig-

I suppose it's funny though cuz in retrospect, my health being awful gave me a taste of a lot of experiences I wouldn't have properly understood otherwise like being in a wheelchair, coping with bouts of being mute and re-learning a lot of otherwise ordinary things like how to eat and even how to use stairs! (Gosh it sounds like I was in some tragic accident lol- I promise, I wasn't, I've never broken a bone before!) But it's just kinda... odd... how only I really notice the ways the physical side of my health issues has impacted me long term? Those around me think I want to learn sign language now on a whim and not because I now understand how hard it is to communicate when audible or written words aren't options. I see eating and food in a way I just didn't before. It's much more of a necessity then a joy compared to how things were before. Though don't get me wrong, I still love snacks!

I guess the point in tryna make is. I may have lost a friend. I may have - and will continue to - lose a lot of the stability in my life that I need. But it won't be this way forever. I hope. Enough people have proven that they're in this for the ling haul. They're going to stay. And I should focus on them and making sure they know I appreciate it!!! But... also... I'm totally down for making new friends too, any day of the week. I'm just a lil guy tho so... it's hard to keep new people interested cuz I tend to be either too much or too little... uh. Things. Will be better. They will be. I just need to keep going. Keep drawing. Keep writing. Keep eating. Keep walking. I can stagnate for a while, when I need. Dare I say it's healthy to do so sometimes!

Progress isn't a straight line. Neither is the road to recovery or even grief. I'm low now but I've already gotten a lot better then even just a month ago!

I'll feel awful sometimes.

But even just... existing... being alive. That means I'm winning. :>

[timeoverload]

I think I kicked ass today. I had 26 cases but it was steady so I didn't get too stressed out. Everything went pretty well for the most part. There was a case this morning that took over an hour so that delayed the surgeries in the afternoon. It was ok because we still got done right on time. I had so much shit to wrap and peel pack but I got it all done except for the instruments they used for the last case. It's ok, I will do those in the morning. I'm happy that cases don't start until 8am tomorrow so I will have an hour to get that done but I doubt it will take me that long to do one set.

I ate more today than I have in a while so I'm proud of myself. I ate breakfast and lunch. They had baked potato bar for lunch and it was ok but I couldn't eat it all because it was painful. I don't think they are having anything else this week that sounds good. They try to serve "fancy" food sometimes like what they have at the restaurant but it never turns out right. I suppose that could be because they don't even make the food in the building and it sits on the warmer too long. It makes me miss the food they served in the cafeteria when I was in school.

I was happy when I got home because I got a $175 refund check from one of the debt collectors because I must have overpaid. I'm not really sure what happened but I'm not complaining.

It feels nice to sit down because my leg has been bothering me today but it could be worse. I am just happy that it isn't unbearable and it hasn't affected my mood. I really haven't wanted to take muscle relaxers. I took one on Thursday night but I didn't say anything about it. I was upset about having to sit in the dark and I was sore. I just wanted to sleep. I regretted it because it fucked me up and made me feel bad. I didn't eat enough food with it either. I only had heart palpitations once but it was strong enough to scare me. The pharmacy keeps trying to get me to refill my prescription and I keep saying no. It's not worth it. I would like to have a beer sometime too because I haven't had one in a while since I was taking that medication for an extended period of time. I guess I could try to get some CBD but it hasn't helped much in the past. I'm sure I will figure something out eventually.

Anyway, I have been thinking about you all day today, Maxwell. You were in my dream last night and it was actually a good dream. You were singing me a silly song. I can't remember what you were singing about but I was smiling when I woke up so that was nice. I want to know what you are struggling with at work. I am wondering if it is sort of my fault. You don't really promote yourself because you are afraid to upset me. You don't want to post anything that is going to send the wrong message and make me run away so you don't share much at all. I am worried that you aren't getting enough clients because of that. You are very talented and I think you deserve more attention. I think you should start posting whatever you want on ig. I won't take anything personally. I want to see more of your art. I can just look at your tumblr if I want to know what is on your mind. It is easier that way. Of course I would rather talk to you in person but I understand that you need time. I think you are probably also under a lot of pressure from your co-workers so that might make this more difficult. I know that they care about you a lot and they want to see you happy. I'm sure it is overwhelming for you to have to talk about this stuff all of the time but I think it has been helpful for you. They are good friends and I am glad you have a strong support system. Everybody loves you. I have been telling you about what I've been doing and complaining to you about stuff for years but now it's your turn. I want to hear about how your day went. You can complain to me about whatever you want. You can always vent to me. You can tell me anything. I think that would help you because you bottle up your feelings and it's not good for you. I am just worried about you. I understand that you don't want to work all the time. I don't think anybody does. Work isn't the most important part of life. I think maybe it would be good for you to do more things you enjoy outside of work so you feel more balanced. Obviously I don't have all of the answers because I am basically married to my job but I want you to be happy. I want you to be successful in what you do, even if you feel that it isn't your calling. I think that you got that job for a reason though. You wouldn't have met me if you didn't work there. Our paths aligned for a reason. There's something magical about that place. I just want you to know that you are amazing at what you do. I am always excited to see what you come up with next. You have helped me more than you know and I'm a lot more confident than I used to be. I am thankful for you. I am proud of what you have accomplished. I think you have improved a lot of people's lives through your work, not just mine. You might not think of it much, but you truly do make a positive impact on so many people. I hope you will want to talk to me about stuff sometime. I love you so much. 💖💖💖

I need to relax now I think. I am probably going to make some food soon and get ready for bed. I'm not that hungry but I need to keep eating so my stomach doesn't shrink again. I'm trying to avoid caffeine at night too so that should help. I'm going to do my best to go to bed earlier than I did last night. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow. Thank you for listening. 💖💖💖

[suicidepostergirl1987]

I never post here because this was really only supposed to be a vent/ED blog and I haven't needed to use it but some stuff has been on my mind recently that I need to get off my chest.

I'm scared, like all the time, of my academic standing. For starters, I'm getting a film degree which is already a useless major to begin with but on top of that, I'm not even doing well in school. So I'm at risk of dropping out. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. I either graduate and have a useless art degree that doesn't qualify me for anything but a position as a minimum wage baristo or I dropout and well, I'm a dropout. I don't know if there's a place in society for college dropouts these days. I don't know if there's any way for me to make a living and pay my bills without an undergrad degree in this economy.

I'm not even sure my mother would still be willing to talk to me if I dropped out. Part of me is worried that if it happens, I'm getting disowned without a moment's notice. I haven't slept the last few nights because I've just been haunted by thinking about how I'm going to make a living without a degree and going through in my head how I'll need to pack if my mom decides I can't live under her roof anymore.

On top of all that, I've got the weight of the fucking world on my shoulders because my mother has told me that she's never met a transgender person she respected. Not because they're transgender but for all sorts of other reasons. Of the three trans people she knows one of them is a bipolar alcoholic, one of them is an abusive spouse, and the third is a college dropout who's started using opioids. If I can't succeed, then I'm just proving her right; that being trans somehow leads to a moral failing that makes us incapable of participating in society effectively. I can't do that. I can't be the evidence she uses when she talks about transgender people. I have to be so successful that I counteract all those other people she's met that she hates so much. I have to make up for their failings in her eyes or else I'm not worthy of love. I'm just another lazy, selfish, trans person who's too narcissistic to function.

I think, in her eyes, you have to be a narcissist to be transgender because why else would someone inflict their trans status upon their family unless they were incapable of understanding the consequences.

[nolan-chance]

Sorry if I talk way too much about this ship nobody but me creates things of/cares about, I just love them so much.

Dumb rant under the cut. Don't pity me, I hate that (?)

I know my IRL friends (who knows nothing about FN) would listen to me but they wouldn't understand, my one (1) online friend knows less than nothing about FN and she doesn't understand a thing, people in the fandom doesn't understand, either because they prefer other ships or because they simply don't see them as couple. I get it, I also find hard seeing certain characters as couple, that's totally valid. Posting here is what I feel is the best, despite being like talking to a wall (?) but it's my Diamondchance place. I've tried to make more self indulgent things about this ship, but at the same time I'm not really inspired. I know, I could comission artists, I know because I've been doing so (not much, like 8 times, including some nasties (?)) , but it getting way too expensive, and that's no problem, but I don't even know what to ask them for. I have zero ideas because I'm not very creative, neither good at drawing. Right now I'm just expecting a piece I comiisioned, the "poster" I posted last week, but well made with the models. I wasn't sure about comision that particular piece, I wanted it to be something bigger, something more special and related with the fic, but I couldn't came up with anything good. I know it will be great, not because my idea is great, but because the artist is great and they know what they're doing (I love their art work, they're the best. I wish I could throw money at them just because).

I just feel like to vent from time to time (like three times per day (?)). I just wish I had someone who loved them as much as I do, but I guess it's a pretty common thing in this fandom, since there are SOOOOO many characters, the possibilities are endless! And you know I'm aware Nolan is not the best for Monty (he looks way better with Mydas, with Baleria, with Lorenso, even Ozcar, Nolan is at the end of the line when it comes to pick someone to pair Monty with (?). And yes, I'm misspelling their names for a reason) .

Despite all my love for this ship I don't really feel like to finish the fic. I know I'm always saying I'm getting there, that I'm excited about it and all that but, as I'm getting to the closure, I'm not feeling like that anymore. Sometimes I wish I could simply post what I have as I have it (In Spanish without checking grammar) and call it a day. I mean, nothing would be lost, except for the one person reading it. But I'd give you a summary of I do that, don't worry, is not even that good after all (?).

I've been thinking about some scenarios, but of course, I can't write, I'm so bad at it, and despite me encouraging people to "write it bad but write it", I know it doesn't applies to me because I KNOW what I write is bad bad (?). Yes I have fun thinking about that, but I think it's for the best not making the same mistake I did with the fic, which wasn't supposed to be posted. It was supposed to be a silly little thing for me to me, and it should've stayed that way.

Anyway. I'm wonder what's gonna be left for my soul once DiamondChance is over for good (?)

Related Nolan pic because I'm always posting dumb shit and this time would not be the exception /?

[loregoddess]

Violence breeds violence or... Something.

Anyway, 1, 16, 25 and one of your choice?

And the cycle never ends? or something I suppose.

1. the character everyone gets wrong

Oh, so many. I won't go on a list or anything bc I know 99% of them are "I seem to have a really specific way of reading characters and it seems to be very different from how pop fandom reads them" but god are there a lot. I think the most recent that I'm fine pointing out would be Ferdinand, Ashe, and Cyril from FE3H (amongst other characters), but I won't go into details bc I know you're holding off on spoilers.

Not specific to those characters but I still have a bone to pick: I think the general commonality is just that some fans latch on to some sort of surface aspect of characterization and decide the character's entire existence revolves around that instead of like, the actual nuance that the writing clearly shows otherwise. This especially irks me for characters explicitly stated or shown to mask or suppress a lot of their emotions but don't fall into the "stoic and emotionless" trope, like, whenever a character puts up some sort of façade that comes off as friendly or snarky or really anything that isn't an obvious "this is a mask to hide their inner emotions", then suddenly the fanon for the character becomes as interesting as a sack of flour. Which is an insult to sacks of flour to be honest.

Sometimes this is the fault of the writers or developers, like Fates is a goldmine of "I swear this character is really super interesting if you actually look at what writing they get" bc there's over 70 characters and I can imagine that was difficult to juggle on top of three different routes. But sometimes it's "this is literally one of the main characters who got all the writing, how did you miss all this about their characterization!!!" But again, this is very much probably a me thing, and it's not like I'm gonna fight people over how they chose to interpret a character.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Hmm, I'm not actually wildly fond of most "tsundere" characters bc they have to be a really, really specific flavor of tsundere for me to actually enjoy the characterization, but most of the time the character is so abrasive and rude that they just come off as an asshole.

Also--and this is not a jab at literally any artist in existence who's done this--but when shippy fanart emulates Gutav Klimt's "The Kiss" I want to throw a chair across the room. It's not that it's a bad painting, or even that I dislike Klimt bc I don't! Something about the figure posing for that painting specifically just gives me whatever the visual equivalent is to hearing nails on chalkboard, and I just. Really, really think there's more romantic historic paintings with less visually grating anatomy poses out there that can be emulated for shippy art. This is very much a Me thing, so again it's not like I'm gonna tell people to not draw fanart based on "The Kiss" bc everyone's free to do whatever they please and all, but the popularity of that one historic painting specifically is wild.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

Oh hmm, all the "Fates is bad" complaints (it really wasn't), almost everything around 3H, people comparing Engage's art-style to Genshin (it's not similar at all), complaints about how simple Engage's story/characters are (they aren't, but I'm not here to write a narrative analysis).

As a general rule for not-FE-specific examples, people ragging on what I call "black sheep games" (games in a series that are almost universally disliked by the fandom regardless of whether the game was good or not)--oooh, discussions and complaints about black sheep games drive me insane, no matter if I enjoyed the game or not, I just really, strongly dislike seeing hateful rants about how bad a game was for not being An Exact Copy Of The Series' Golden Child Game. Like sure, vent the frustrations, that's healthy and all, but keep the negativity out of the tags or at least tagged in a way that can be filtered for people cruising the tag and not looking for negativity at the very least.

for my personal choice, 10. worst part of fanon

Circling back to the first question, for me it's fanon character interpretations and headcanons that become so popular they end up as fanon. I find it frustrating because I like to theorycraft and think about characters based as closely to the canon text as I can, but revisiting the source text for accuracy sometimes isn't easy (especially if a game script hasn't been uploaded for a game that requires lots of hours to play). So while the experience of the original text can take up a lot of time, revisiting it isn't a constant or continual thing, whereas fandom continues the "story and characters" in a sense beyond the bounds of the original narrative. Which is a great way to keep things alive and stuff, but it also means that what a character was actually like in the original text can get warped through the simulacra of fandom, and popular fanon just speeds up that warping process. So if I want to revisit a character or even sometimes just worldbuilding lore stuff to have fun crafting some theories, I have to take a step back and try to figure out how much of the fanon stuff I've seen is actually accurate or not, and often have to go back to the original text anyhow and then be disappointed or frustrated with how much less interesting and nuanced the fanon typically is and how little discussion there is around what actually occurs in the original narrative.

Mind this isn't for like, every character or every bit of worldbuilding, since sometimes the fanon is "wow the writers were super sexist, maybe we should reinterpret this female character in a kinder light" and so while I'd still have to revisit the source text to understand the original characterization, the fanon might actually be more interesting in that regard. But this is...a rarity.

Also, sometimes a character's entire characterization gets sucked into the black hole that is fandom's obsession with shipping, and that's also frustrating bc then the character doesn't seem to exist in fan works outside of the ship, despite (very often at least) being their own individual character in the original text. Like listen, I don't hate shipping, I've got my own fleet of ships I enjoy or am partial to, but I wish it wasn't so central to some fandom spaces that occasionally a character's characterization vanishes into "part of this one popular ship".

[ottiliere]

Ok so, 2 things

1. Oh? System Dirks are coming in here to show their appreciation? Because ours also DEVOURS this AU. It is genuinely so relatable and cathartic. When people don't think sharing vent art is good, I point at this AU and how it shows the ugly side of recovery so perfectly.

2. I was idly scrolling through the JTHM tag as I do frequently and got such intense whiplash seeing your recent post about asks in it. Like. Complete opposite side of our dash radar. What is this I hear about a JTHM ask?? I am fascinated already I font care if it's related to Dirk or not I just genuinely would love to hear your thoughts on it.

1) pulling all the dirks who follow me in for a hug through the walls of my plastic isolation bubble. it really makes me so happy to hear this. I can't give an extended answer to this point because I spent so much time talking about the next one but I hope you feel the mind waves of love I am bombarding you with.

2) The ask I got was in fact about Dirk, but as I'm drafting it it is...drifting...very much...into being about JTHM. "hear my thoughts on it" … this would be nothing shorter than a dissertation. I think about JTHM very often. I don't think it's possible for me to be concise about this in any sense of the word.

JTHM, to me, is one of the formative experiences that made me who I am. It is one of my favorite pieces of fiction ever made, that I have ever engaged with, and I know for a fact I will struggle to find something that is told in such a captivating way from an author with such an open soul. I discovered fanart of it by chance on DeviantArt, and, being naturally drawn towards edgier themes, searched everywhere on the internet until I found it uploaded onto some woman's livejournal account. I was obsessed with JTHM for a very, very long time. I reread it periodically, once or twice a year, and I have been doing this since I was 12. It has heavily influecned the way I go about making art and telling stories and engaging with everything I watch or read or what have you.

Everything about this comic blew my mind as a child, artistically absolutely, thematically especially. The narrative style that is glib with occasional moments of morose clarity that never lasts too long... we will never see anything like the suicide scene in anything else ever written again, of that I'm sure. It is unique in its existence. once you read that it unlocks something in your brain and you just can't go back. Multiplied by a million if you read it at a formative age you weren't really supposed to be reading it. Like homestuck.

Nny... he is the base of the character trope I always return to in fiction, usually unconsciously. I didn't realize that what I was doing to dirk mirrored nny until some friends pointed it out... it is a fascinating phenomenon. He is the first of his kind I have ever encountered in anything, ever. Blatantly unwell, the focus of a story that isn't necessarily slotting him into an antagonistic role. Like, he's the protagonist who I guess is also the antagonist but he's also a human. He's this guy with severe mental illness who is lead around like a puppet on strings first by the society that torments him for existing and then by the creature living in his walls that steals his memory and cognitive ability and manipulates him into doing his bidding. I had never seen that before? Usually I am not one for "made mentally ill by inorganic sources" trope, but the fact that it's stated in the comic that he was already seriously unwell before he became a flusher... it's just sad. He is not a good person, but his life is inherently tragic and the outcome of a society that does not care for him, or people like him, at all. forgive me for the comparison, but he is like the joker 2019. I mean this in a way that I love joker 2019. if you didn't like joker, well. sorry. but it's true.

This ties in, obviously, with the way that Jhonen goes about fiction: he does whatever he wants, to an extent. I have recently very closely befriended some individuals and while pondering how we were meshing so well on the creative side of htings, it eventually came to light that the singlemost defining moment in our lives was how we all read JTHM at a very young age. And it is insane, stepping back and looking at all of our narrative and art styles and seeing that the similarities we've all evolved independently stemmed from JTHM, in addition to our view of what it's like to be an artist. we are but jhonen's warriors in a world that is currently characterized by a very homogenized mixture of “art”. I mean, just look at the current box office trend. look at the “genre” that is marvel movies. not that I don’t enjoy marvel movies, I DO like them, my loki phase was strong and hard, but objectively... these things are what they are: mass-produced consumables. there is a reason people got excited when it was announced that Cronenberg was making a new film (which was awesome btw); art is dying. milquetoast narratives, stories afraid to push boundaries and be "weird", authors not trusting the audience to pick up on their intended message so instead of leaving it just a little ambiguous, they must instead spoonfeed it to every reader... There is some equation of what it means to make art and how it equates with your moral standing; my stance has always aligned with dear Jhonen's.

in a way my view of the world is the direct inverse of nny's; I truly believe in the best of people, I love humanity, I love the world and I am fundamentally incapable of being outwardly cruel towards others. my natural setting is to logically empathize, to put myself in the shoes of other people and look at their life the way they're living it. there is nothing more important to me than showing unconditional positive regard towards others. I have not always been this way. I used to foster great amounts of animosity in my heart for the things that have been done to me. I used to be an abjectly miserable person, I used to be violently suicidal every day for years and years and years etc. now though... I don't know how to describe it. something alights upon you after vast quantities of self-reflection, detached from the scrying eyes of swathes of people, of strangers, fandom most relevantly but I do also mean society as a whole. at this point in my life there is nothing more important to me than being a nice person, and helping others in what ways I can. if that's through posting raw depictions of mental illness, I will happily do so. I didn't realize that people didn't KNOW they can do this, and it is heartwarming that I can touch people in such a way even parasocially. I have worked on myself, I love people and I love when people are weird and their true creative selves because that is what the world needs in this day and age. art is dying. If you let bitterness into your heart it will consume you. it will cloud your judgment and prevent you from making a true connection to the medium, it will block you from making what you REALLY want to make. It will poison how you interact with other humans on a fundamental level, if you are constantly walking into interactions suspecting the worst intentions.

it almost seems like critical thinking is a dying skill...or, at least, it is when it comes to interacting with art and not relying on other people to tell you what to think. but even still I still do not hold ire towards those who seek me harm for what I make. I do not answer many of the asks I get on purpose, the death threats, etc... because these people are hurting in a multitude of ways, and they have not yet learned how to cope with their own pain. You could call being an optimist a character flaw, maybe it is. I don't know. That is, for better or worse, the epitome of what I am: an unrelenting pollyanna who believes in the best of people and the potential they have to heal. The one anon hate I got about the AU months ago that I actually deigned with an answer; they eventually came off anon and admitted they were just frustrated they didn't know how to properly use tumblr's UI to filter me off their dashboard and displaced their emotions onto me. They apologized. Such is life. We are all humans inhabiting this great big earth and I love to love people. contrary to what I depict in my art, I am a very happy person. I love my friends and I'm currently in a very good life situation with occasional downfalls and eventual upturns. Jhonen, I know, as stated in the second interview image, was often like this as well. nny was a speakerphone for little observations about life and pessimism; he was a character, a means to tell a story.

so ya I guess those are some of my thoughts about JTHM. not all of them though. here’s some nny

[codegeassfacts]

50 Questions to Lelouch // Newtype Romance February 2007 // Canon

These are 50 questions asked to Lelouch in the Newtype Romance; While it's not that much interesting, it's still quite fun;

** @rainfall-tumbles already translated those, so please visit and reblog her link !

My observations will be noted as such by **Italic thoughts**

What's your Birthday ? December 5th

Blood Type ? Type A.

**Blood type is very telling about the personnality for japanese people**

Your height is? 178 cm

Favorite color? Violet. Because it is a refined color, and it has the greatest mysterious appeal.

**It was either Violet or black** Hobbies ? I like making things by myself , sort of do it yourself stuff

**handmade stuff actually**

Liberal arts? Sciences? Or are you more the athletic type? What a meaningless question.

What's your best subject? Mathematics. What are your grades like ? I think they're quite high, but I'm not sure/ don't care

Your dream for the future? To destroy Britannia.

Please describe your personality in between two characters and six. Rock. In other words, I don't let small things get to me. Yes I do? Don't be absurd.

**Quarelling with the journalist ?**

Please tell us what your strong and weak points are. I've never really thought about that.

Favorite foods? Creamy food, or tender texture food. Like shrimp, or pudding.

Your least favorite foods? Gooey/gummy foods. Things like natto, or grated yam.

**He seems more focused on texture taste that actual taste** After you wake up, what's the first thing you eat/drink ? Coffee. Morning person? Night person? Night person. I'm like the owl of Minerva. Which do you prefer, baths or showers? I tried using a narrow bathtub for the first time after arriving Japan. As long as it's just once in a while, it's nice enough. **He has a real bathtub at his disposal in Ashford though, does he barely use it ?** When did you first fall in love? (And with whom?) I'd rather keep that to myself. **Incest. It's complicated to describe.** Your greatest failure? When I couldn't protect my mother and sister. How do you vent your frustrations?

I determine the root reason of my frustrations and take care of it. Then there's nothing to vent anymore.

Who would you say is your personal hero? My mother. **Obviously this interview happened before R2** Indoor type? Outdoor type? I won't bother thinking about that, as I can't imagine the interest of this categorization. What's in your wallet?

There is no cash. I use credit card.

Special skill?

I suppose you can say I'm clever with my hands.

How do you go to school?

I live on campus.

When have you been glad to be a man? I've never imagined what it would be like to be a woman. **impressive given he had to cross dress quite a few times** What do you most want to eat right now?

Curry Udon. This food surpasses cultural barriers.

Describe your ideal family situation.

In traditional Japanese architecture, there's this concept of a central pillar. A single pillar that supports the entire house. I think the head of a household should be like that. **This is so Lelouch like, it's the very fondation of how he acts with the one he loves, he had to endure everything.*

Favorite season?

Winter. Because it helps me keep focus. I don't really like summer, it brings back unpleasant memories.

Do you get up easily in the morning, or is it a struggle? I kind of struggle. I have low blood pressure, after all. How many hours of sleep do you get on average? Approximately three ? But, with some naps throughout the day, it might be more like six hours. Your last dream? I dreamt a meteorite landed on and crushed me. I blame C.C.'s atrocious sleeping posture.

**He never actually accepted to sleep on the floor right ? I can totally see C.C. kicks him in the guts while dreaming**

How much time does it take you to get ready in the morning? I've never paid attention. Do you have anyone you admire? Arthur. Please tell us how you spend your holidays. Holiday? this concept is unknown to me (He never takes holiday)

Western food or Japanese food? What is western food ? Oh, a generic term? Then, western, I guess, I like Italian. **I never would have imagined Lelouch craving italian food, I hope it's not again because of pizza hut, this is not italian food** If you could be born again, what would you like to be? Arthur.

What have you been really into lately? Creating an organization, I suppose. Your favorite animal? Cats. They're lithe and beautiful. Like a waltz. Even if Arthur is more like a pop song.

Of the necessities of life (clothing, food, shelter), which is the most important? Shelter. It's a person's base of operations, as well as their place of refuge; It is fundamental to any country.

**Ahh Lelouch...** Sorry to spring this on you, but what is love? Something given unconditionally. **Something he indeed gave unconditionnally at the end of the anime ** Please take a guess at what you'll be like 30 years from now. I'd like you to pray for me that my hair won't become anything like that man's… *....*

If you could travel through time, when would you go back?

I guess, if I would still remember what I actually know, I'd be able to prevent all of it from happening…

Favorite book? (Or what magazines do you read frequently?) Lord of the Rings, The prince of Machiavel, Hamlet… **Of course they had to mention the prince, but the lords of rings ? One might wonder who were his favorite characters and what he loved about this story** Your preferred type of woman? A soft person. You know what I mean ?

*Fuwa fuwa na ito >> As a toughtful blogger reminded me, Lelouch said person, not woman ;) ; Fuwa fuwa with the "you know what I mean ?" can actually means something more ecchi than soft girls, so it's either soft (sweet girls) or soft (ecchi sense) girls, or both (or boys, no gender preference over here). Lelouch could have been more hormonal than we knew**

Is it better to devote yourself, or to have someone else devote themselves to you? I find it more fulfilling to want than to be wanted.

**Why not both Lelouch ?**

Did you receive any Valentine's Day chocolate? How much?

I will not answer that. …"probably none ?" I got some! Not as many as Nunnally, though, for whatever reason.

**Now that is surprising, wasn't the whole school head over heel in love with him ?**

What would you do with a million yen? (Like if you won the lottery?) I'd invest them and make ten times the ammount. What type of person is Suzaku? Softhearted to the point of turning stupid We've already reached the forty-ninth question. Are you getting tired? I've been tired since question 5.

What do you want for Christmas? A sewing machine. I plan to update my cloak and mask.

[an-asuryampasya]

[venting into the void]

screammm. It's been two weeks and I still don't really feel like I've properly accepted this master's program I'm doing. Sure, I'm attending classes and stuff but I keep catching myself feeling it's all a bit unreal, and not in a good way. In a 'hmm this was a fun experiment, I'm ready to go home now' kinda way. Sort of? I really don't know how to describe it. But I just. Don't know if this is it. And that is Not Fun because getting here was a pain. Choosing to walk away from engineering, or my dad made sure to impress upon me, "wasting my seat at one of the country's best universities that could've gone to someone who would've at least done justice to the seat and been more deserving of the heavily subsidised education you received" was not a decision I made easily. I really wish I made it knowing WHAT I wanted to do instead, and not this nebulous idea of "something in the arts". I know it was a decision I made at the time since it felt the only way I could stay sane, but aaaaaaaah I really wish I had had something more concrete to base it on.

I can just walk away from this degree, but I really wish I wasn't even contemplating it. I won't drop out, because I'm a coward, but sweet fuck how I wish I didn't even want to. I don't even know what I'd go towards anyway, so might as well do this I suppose. Aaaaaah how I hope I feel more excited about this course soon.

I hate it here. Hate /everything/ about this stupid place. Delhi can go die. I mean the sheer number of museums and historic buildings is very nice, I'll give it that, but that's about the only thing that's even passably nice about this stupid place. fuck, within a week it managed to make me feel comforted by hearing sodding Tamil just because it was a language other than fucking Hindi for once (nothing against Tamil, the cussing is because it really makes no sodding sense to be comforted by a language even more alien to me than Hindi. I know Hindi but don't know a lick of Tamil and yet I was ready to CRY when I heard full sounds and not the aborted consonants (in Hindi you'd say Shiv as opposed to Shiva, etc.))

I don't get it though. I never felt homesick during my undergrad, despite that being a much longer stint outside of home and when I was much younger. Heck, I never even imagined I'd miss Telugu in the first place, given how fucked up my relationship with my own language/culture is. And YET. Took less than a week over here to get me, someone who's already used to living away from home in a land with very different languages and culture, to want to cry because I just wanted to freely be able to say the Telugu equivalent of "my foot" when something annoying happened. It's messing with my brain because I still don't feel comfortable with Telugu and yet I crave it and I don't know what to make of that. I suppose it's nice that since literally nobody around me knows shit about South India (no really, they know NOTHING, can't even tell whole-ass states apart) I can be more telugu-y than I usually feel comfortable being because there's no one around to make me realise how bad at being telugu I am? Like I can gush about pickles without fear because no one will know what basic knowledge about them I lack. I can actually explore how I like presenting myself when there's no one around to test how Well I am doing at being Telugu. And I guess that's sorta nice? I find myself writing in Telugu far more now when I'm writing random stuff to stay awake in class, because no one can judge my shitty handwriting or realise that I don't know how to write some pretty basic stuff in Telugu. Turns out I like some things about being Telugu after all and I feel both joyful and abject despair at this discovery. But whatever, that's something I can work out in time, as I learn to be more forgiving of my past self.

But for now I don't know if I want to continue this course. And it's the first time I /chose/ something entirely on my own and had to really pigheadedly push to get here. So it's terrifying to regret my choice now. Where would I go? And who do I have to blame except my own useless indecisive self. But I don't know how I feel about this place. Hate the city, am not reassured by the university, and the course content isn't exactly blowing my mind or even making me sigh in relief at how different it is from engg. On the contrary, I'm wondering if I should've just stuck to my plan of doing concrete tech - at least that I actively enjoyed to a significant extent.

I may have made a pretty big fucking mistake, aaaaaah. I desperately hope I feel differently soon.

also delhi sucks so much.