#I struggled to get it right otherwise
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Can y'all just be you know normal Marina Thompson for like 5 seconds? Because christ, the sheer Misogynoir that some of you spread about her character is insane and you don't even realise it.
#marina thompson#bridgerton netflix#bridgerton spoilers#bridgerton#amanda & oliver are her babies#she's not a surrogate she's their mother#can y'all not root so loudly for her to literally kill herself so discount mr rochester can get with eloise#& so that Eloise will lose her personality and end up in a relationship that is her literal nightmare scenario#i see people wanting eloise to end the season writing to discount mr rochester because the pen lw reveal will probably impact marina#and quote unquote be what pushes her to the edge#and that is beyond vile#of course marina will have a reaction she has every right to but to actively want her to harm herself#so that discount mr rochester can be reinserted into the plot? fuck no that's absolutely vile#if you are going to write about a character struggling with mental health issues do so respectfully or don't do it all#because you'll do far more harm otherwise#if Eloise does write to anyone i hope its to Marina#i don't think we'll see marina again but i want her alive and happy off screen#my heart is still rooting for theo & Eloise but I'm enjoying Cressida & Eloise atm#but so long as her endgame is a happy one that she deserves and not discount mr rochester I'll be happy#ruby barker#<- she deserves the absolute world
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It’s already been about four days since I’ve posted…
So I went to the unfinished stuff and tried to fight with it again 😭 So here’s a lil Toothless (I’ll figure out how to shade him eventually (I have to actually look at references for once))
#not only was the shading a struggle#but I also was struggling with getting his face right#over and over#this is kinda just me posting and running away#otherwise I’m nervous it’ll look crazier#toothless#httyd#how to train your dragon
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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sorry i'm gonna whine on combat some more (acknowledgment that this is a me thing) also assuming based on this that we won't be able to control companion actions during fights? like. for the new type of combat does it make sense to only/mostly rely on NPC AI for fighting and hopefully that does help me if i SUCK ASS at combat but. :( i liked the prev games' combat mostly because i could usually auto-hit in some fashion it was just a matter of me being strategic about technique and insta-pausing to reassess/move out the way
there is at least some combat pausing for rook and i'll def reserve final judgment till i play i just. what if we made video games for people like me who like story but are bad at gaming :((((
#dragon age veilguard spoilers#ari watches dav reveal#it's def more me-esque and like. i think ME is interesting and i still want to finish andromeda but WEEPING its so not my combat style.#i finished all of me1 and kinda gave up on me2. sci-fi has to hit me Just Right story-wise or i won't engage w it otherwise#and struggling w combat was not fun for me.#but again! this is a me thing. i am an outlier who couldn't get past tutorial for ps4 spiderman when i tried playing it lmao
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i still think feh's biggest crime is not having any of the books actively use askrian royalty's power of opening gates
we've got a few instances of embla's power of closing, back in book 1 even with veronica closing a gate before kiran gets through (though i guess it reopens later so that could be the one instance of askr's opening?) and then now in the newest chapter. and yeah we saw how askr and embla themselves (and ash and elm too) use their powers which are more powerful versions of the royals' but. idk i just want to see alfonse and sharena actually open a gate on screen and having it be significant in some way yknow?
#maybe that's where the new plot with yggdrasils roots will lead. but we dont know yet#i think the only instance of either askr sib using these powers on screen is. technically. the dragalia crossover event#where sharena struggles to open a gate just enough to get to alberia. and then at the end when they open another to leave#and that's the second part. alfonse opens a gate to leave in the first part of the crossover too.#theyve used it more in a game that isnt even their own...#you could argue we see lif andd thrasir using their powers constantly through b3 and in the b4 ending movie#opening and closing portals right after crossing. and the portal lif used to go back to the destroyed zenith in b3#but otherwise it's???????#idk i wish it was a bigger plot point sometime lol#tortilla rambles#sorry im chatty tonight
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Extreme To-Do Listing: having an entire section of your list that is stuff you won’t even think about until after Christmas/January because you know you won’t have time until then
#Struggle bussing right now#Sleep who?#leisure time who?#Even fun stuff is on the to do list because I have to make sure I have time for everything#I literally wrote Christmas movies into the family calendar this year because otherwise we won’t get to it#Fun Christmas tasks have to be worked into my schedule#And I have to put them on The List#So my list for tomorrow contains both “put up room decorations” and “battle the hospital/insurance companies”#Send help
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ummm someone help me think of a legitimate villain/criminal/etc au or an au in which chiyo’s changed and hardened bc i’ve listened to that loop of “when does a man become a monster?” from epic one too many times and i need to write some tragedy i fear
#no ‘ well she’s got one foot in each side or she’s being twisted against her nature by other forces but she’s still the same woman ’#only ‘ she’s been doomed by the narrative. she’s been changed by the narrative. this couldn’t have gone any other way ’#‘ she’ll never be the same no matter how much she wants to be ’#bc when does a comet become a meteor y’all!! when does a candle become a blaze!! when does the reason become the blame!!!!!#going insane sorry 😔 it’ll keep happening 😔#and the thing is chiyo’s moral compass is so strong — the only thing thus far that was ever made it move is her loved ones#love be it romantic platonic or familial can make her accept a lot#but to see her truly do anything ‘ bad ’ it’s like… i gotta place her in a situation and i need it to be big bc otherwise#she’ll talk herself into doing the right thing — and i’m okay with that! but!!!! i need her to struggle so much first#anyway… i’m home ASDGHJ#might get my face washed and whatnot first but i’m coming online to write hehe#hope today has been kind to you 💜#get ready to ramble | ooc#but who would wade through the overgrown flowerbeds? brave brambles and traitorous thorns? | wishlist
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okay, i’m genuinely curious: do people find me intimidating?
#that’s crazy to me but i wanna hear it from you#bc i get intimidated by other people i deem too cool for me whether that’s silly or not#but like to think other people find *me* intimidating?#idk i feel im very jaded and my own perception of myself very obviously will probably not match other people’s#idk i’m thinking about that kinda stuff lately#both in the context of friendship and otherwise#and just trying to both be more grown up and putting myself out there and making new adult relationships#and also balancing that with autism and the struggle to do so#my experience with friendship is weird and i wanna actually learn to be better basically#idk i always feel i’m a bad friend but like i do try really really hard and if i was really a bad friend i wouldn’t try at all would i?#idk it’s very complicated and it comes from a werid childhood and yadda yadda#whatever my big thing right now is communication i guess?#and relearning how to do it etc#as i’ve said in multiple posts#and i guess i’m trying to bare with myself as well as asking other people to do the same#bc i wanna talk and make friends but i’m currently on a slow road to figuring stuff out in my life so uhh yeah#that’s the guist of it i guess#anyways imaooo this post got away from me#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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started a short fic with an enby Tav about how people call Astarion spawn and leech instead of by name a lot because I got Feelings over it (read the full fic on tumblr or AO3!)
#me holding up a nonbinary Tav: they're so demi and it's causing problems with the local vampire#got a brain worm over how like everyone in the game basically spits out the word spawn at Astarion and it Went#we're at a pretty 3k words right now and I still got some steam#it'd take place in Act 1 after gathering up all the potential party and mucking about the area#so they've spent a few weeks together#also hey I love Shadowheart she was just the most willing to clap back at Astarion in the over world for me#I struggle with Lae'zel writing but eventually! I hope to get better#because otherwise she'd be the one eviscerating him#tentatively calling this blurb the Power of Names
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wanting to bitch about confusing road laws vs none of your friends drive or will understand = bitching on tumblr.
green lights at four-way intersections should always be accompanied by a yellow left turn arrow as a reminder to yield to oncoming traffic. this is the biggest problem facing our country right now. i am objectively correct.
#liz blogs#the literal only two things i struggle with are at FUCKING intersections#brain problem of 'i know information in theory just not in practice'#this is why we need public transit i am going to get killed and its going to be at an intersection <3#'oh i am making a left turn and the light is green! better go left!' you foole. you fucking idiot. you utter imbecile.#THERE IS STILL ONCOMING TRAFFIC#BECAUSE FUCK YOU IF YOU TURN LEFT IG#GREEN MEANS GO............... GREEN MEANS GO DO NOT ADD EXTRA ~ * ~ SECRET STEPS ~ * ~#'you can make a right turn on red unless otherwise marked' idk maybe a green right arrow sHOULD COME UP THEN#DON'T MAKE ME ASSUME THINGS WHEN I DRIVE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO#FUCK THIS GAY ASS COUNTRY* (* im gay)#if i saw a yellow arrow for the left lane i would remember to CHECK FOR TRAFFIC#i like driving until Intersections then i want everyone to explode except me so i can drive how driving should work#and thats enough to make me Not want to drive Period#I AM GOING TO MOVE SOMEWHERE SO FUCKING WALKABLE JUST YOU WATCH ME#I AM GOING TO PETITION THE GOVERNMENT (i am not going to petition the government)#im so mad im so good at driving until Bullshit ass Nondescript Intersection Lights#(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ KILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ive been trying to figure out why my lines were looking so pixelated on sai like ive been fiddling around with my settings for a good hour but it turns out its my monitor smh -_-
#switched it over to my other monitor and its looking fine LOL#still trying to get used to drawing on my pc bc i think my laptop is .. well.. it's still in struggle town#but im trying to get used to my pc so i can work on my wips again otherwise if i work on them right away#theyll just look off 😭
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i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it
#i have never really felt like just disappearing off of the face of the earth and not talking to Anyone before but i have been thinking of it#a lot today! which is wild bc not my normal isolation thought but today it seems good ahahahaha#i am just. tired. i feel like i am not listened to ever and i feel unwanted as hell lately which i know in the back of my mind i am not#unwanted but boy do it feel like that lately lol. and i’ve been back on my ‘im gonna die alone bc nobody ever will love me how i love them’#bullshit which i have Not missed but it is come back full on ! soooo fun for me hahahahahaha i love to feel miserable about being unwanted#by those around me!!!! love it sooooooooooo much weeeeeee i totally don’t wanna slam my head through a window!!!!#also just in general lately i have felt like people talking to me is a chore to them bc nobody around me has been having actual conversation#it’s all been shit ass one word or one sentence replies from everyone or they talk about what they want and not acknowledge what i said and#i don’t even know what to do about it. i just don’t even want to talk to anyone now bc i feel like they literally don’t want to speak to me#and they don’t care what i have to say clearly bc they don’t pay attention and then bring up what i said says or weeks later like i never#said anything and it’s like hm wow yeah i fucking told you about that??? maybe if you pay attention you’d have known that but it’s fine !!!!#I’m just. tired of it. i am fully understanding of everyone having lives and doing their own things they need to do. but this is like. fr#different. like it feels so much different than that and i don’t get it and i don’t know what to do !!!!!!! i feel like i’m going Nuts#anyways if any of you wanna stick me through a meat grinder i would be forever thankful and you have the rights to take anything i own after#what this boils down to is my autistic ass is like everyone is not doing their normal thing!!! everyone is off their normal talking schedule#with me!!!! this must mean they fucking want me dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc they went off script/pattern and not in a way they have in the past#that indicated that they just are struggling to reach out! this is different and bad and they want you out of their life!!!!!!!#which is ridiculous but what the fuck am i to do about it bc i will be thinking this until i basically am told otherwise by these people. so#that’s soooo much fun i love brains they’re so silly i wish i could jump at a wall and stick to it until i just slowly peel off and onto the#floor. anyways. hope everyone else has a good night
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Colour changes my beloathed
#PLEASE I FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO THEM BUT THATS SO ANNOYING#‘make sure to use the invisible colour change method’ SIR I DONT KNOW HOW TO COLOUR CHANGE IN GENERAL WHAG DO YOU MEAN#WHY HAVE I DONT THIS TO MYSELF#EVERY OTHER PART OF THIS PATTERN HAS COLOR CHANGES#I’ve accepted the ears will be slightly uneven I’m not smart enough for this#and I have to freehand a whole section cause i only have Part of the pattern I would need#so I have to figure out how to crochet tentacles. somehow.#I think we’ve got a cthulu plush pattern somewhere so hopefully that one’s roughly right for the scale I need????#im loosing it#I don’t have eyes for this poor fucker either cause I was like hmm I kinda wanna use buttons tho :/#and I don’t have safety eyes in the right size ANYWAYS#and considering how much I struggled making a Nose!!!! idk how im gettin those fuckers on there!!!!#anyways. I have been crocheting for roughly the past four hours straight 🙃#im getting this ear on. finishing the other. and then going for a walk#cause otherwise I might Scream
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*starts a new drawing to avoid drawing Ljubica and Jared’s chain necklaces*
#i KNOW I should just sit down and try until I get it right BUUUUUT#nearly finished the Ljubica piece though; just have to redo the hair and maybe redo the skin but otherwise I’m happy with it :D#struggling with Jared’s face and have to redo his spiked bracelet because I made some mistakes 😖#good golly I love working in this style though- kinda want to draw Cricket in it.. like a lot#david's ramblings
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i swear the absolute HEIGHT of total happiness is when a long fic wraps up with a wonderfully happy ending
#shut up danni's talking#it is literally the pure unrestrained delight of wish fulfillment#you've gone on this big huge long journey with these characters through all the struggles and hardships#you've seen every time these characters stumble and you've seen them doubt themselves#and yet. and yet there is always happiness. there will always be happiness.#it makes my heart so overwhelmingly light with joy and it tints my world view with such wonderful shades of roses#my face aches with how much i'm smiling as the story wraps up and how light and free my whole body feels#i want to jump up and skip with how happy i feel#even if usually whenever i do end up finishing these long fics/series/whatever i'm always so tired#because i'd've stayed up and powered through to the very end so i could lay in bed and just... soak in the bliss#i think. it's my life goal to make something that inspires the same thing in others.#i cannot begin to even emphasize how much love i feel in my heart right now for so many things#i want to speak long flowery words of praise for hours because of how overjoyed i feel#and i know its just a shadow of a thing. the biggest escape possible but by god i will take whatever pockets of sheer joy i experience#i'll hold them so tight and i will defend these with great passion because no matter how insignificant the source#i want to bask in this feeling for as long and as often as i like#so here's my recommendation: if you're the kind of person who can get completely absorbed by something like i do#and you have a long thing that you've been eyeing but the length intimidates you then absorb it anyway#take that chance that the thing you're slightly iffy on will be worth it because ohhh chase that feeling whenever you can#that is hopefully my final nugget of words that i give you otherwise i can and will go on forever
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🕯️manifesting my promotion🕯️
#ack it would just be. so incredible for my life. not only would it be a full time job I could do sustainably without being in pain#but I know I like the company and get along ok with my coworkers (and certainly am capable of playing nice when I don't)#and I make the most sense as a candidate. I really do. the only point against me is I don't have my licence yet#but my driving test is 9 days away and I'm not very worried about whether or not I'll pass it#I just. please let this happen. this would let me have an actual career and a job I could live on. I'd have financial independence#for the first time in my life#plus I'd be making more money than I ever have in my life and it would give me management experience#so if it doesn't work out for whatever reason I'd be able to get other management-level jobs#but I hope it would work out because again I really like the company and id rather stay there than work for a bigger company#like could I probably get a management job at like walmart or a fast food place? yes. but I wouldn't want to lol#but yeah I'd go from $11/hr to $17.50/hr and I'd work about 22 more hours per week#plus I'd get bonuses and paid vacation days and all of that which would be very nice#apparently there's a $4k sign on bonus for the position too (bc they've had such a hard time filling it if I had to guess)#so I'd have that to look forward to whenever it got paid out. Just generally I'd be in a much much better financial situation#and so would my whole family#right now my income makes a big difference and I'm only making like $500/month rn#so if I was making over $2000/month? my parents would be so much less stressed#idk I've just felt more fulfilled at this job than I ever have before and I feel like I belong at this company honestly#like as far as part time jobs go I got extremely lucky. it's a very lax culture where as long as your tasks get done#they don't care if you spend half your shift on your phone. there's no meaningless busy work#I'm allowed to sit when I want to and I'm very mobile otherwise and it's great for my pain#I'm in very minor pain at this job. less pain than high school caused me in terms of physical demand on my body#I can see myself being able to build an actual career at this company. and considering I spent most of last year struggling#to find employment at all? and then spent a few months in my own personal hell? the possibility that this might really happen is incredible#I've built so much confidence at this job in only 3 months and I would not have even thought myself capable of management a year ago#it's incredible what being surrounded by people who treat you like a competent adult person can do for your self-image#(you will see yourself as a competent adult person actually. crazy how that works)
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