#I struggled to get it right otherwise
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Can y'all just be you know normal Marina Thompson for like 5 seconds? Because christ, the sheer Misogynoir that some of you spread about her character is insane and you don't even realise it.
#marina thompson#bridgerton netflix#bridgerton spoilers#bridgerton#amanda & oliver are her babies#she's not a surrogate she's their mother#can y'all not root so loudly for her to literally kill herself so discount mr rochester can get with eloise#& so that Eloise will lose her personality and end up in a relationship that is her literal nightmare scenario#i see people wanting eloise to end the season writing to discount mr rochester because the pen lw reveal will probably impact marina#and quote unquote be what pushes her to the edge#and that is beyond vile#of course marina will have a reaction she has every right to but to actively want her to harm herself#so that discount mr rochester can be reinserted into the plot? fuck no that's absolutely vile#if you are going to write about a character struggling with mental health issues do so respectfully or don't do it all#because you'll do far more harm otherwise#if Eloise does write to anyone i hope its to Marina#i don't think we'll see marina again but i want her alive and happy off screen#my heart is still rooting for theo & Eloise but I'm enjoying Cressida & Eloise atm#but so long as her endgame is a happy one that she deserves and not discount mr rochester I'll be happy#ruby barker#<- she deserves the absolute world
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It’s already been about four days since I’ve posted…
So I went to the unfinished stuff and tried to fight with it again 😭 So here’s a lil Toothless (I’ll figure out how to shade him eventually (I have to actually look at references for once))
#not only was the shading a struggle#but I also was struggling with getting his face right#over and over#this is kinda just me posting and running away#otherwise I’m nervous it’ll look crazier#toothless#httyd#how to train your dragon
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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people will say "cats will eat you after you die" as if thats a bad thing. i mean, feeding a hungry cat seems like a nice thing really
by the way, dogs will do this too. it is not an expression of heartlessness, it is merely animal hunger
anyways at least the body would serve a purpose rather than being sealed in a box in the ground
#yes i still believe in respecting dead bodies#my mum was made to look pretty for being put in a casket#i picked out her make-up. they brushed her hair. the church provided pretty white clothes#all for the sake of our odd human psychology#it would feel... wrong otherwise#i think my logic is... yes my mum isn't within that meat anymore. but she spent her whole life in it#so it's respectful for make it presentable#it wasn't even an open casket funeral - that would have cost 500 dollars extra for some fucking reason#anyways. if for nothing else: mum valued her appearance and it had made her sad that her sickness withered her away#so it felt extra right to give her nice make-up and pretty hair#we left her earrings on too. they were a gift from me anyways#return the silver to the earth. why not. also it's just easier to leave 'em in her ears#the coroner apparently struggled to get her ring off. but he managed and im wearing it now#this all has nothing to do with the post. im just. yeah
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sorry i'm gonna whine on combat some more (acknowledgment that this is a me thing) also assuming based on this that we won't be able to control companion actions during fights? like. for the new type of combat does it make sense to only/mostly rely on NPC AI for fighting and hopefully that does help me if i SUCK ASS at combat but. :( i liked the prev games' combat mostly because i could usually auto-hit in some fashion it was just a matter of me being strategic about technique and insta-pausing to reassess/move out the way
there is at least some combat pausing for rook and i'll def reserve final judgment till i play i just. what if we made video games for people like me who like story but are bad at gaming :((((
#dragon age veilguard spoilers#ari watches dav reveal#it's def more me-esque and like. i think ME is interesting and i still want to finish andromeda but WEEPING its so not my combat style.#i finished all of me1 and kinda gave up on me2. sci-fi has to hit me Just Right story-wise or i won't engage w it otherwise#and struggling w combat was not fun for me.#but again! this is a me thing. i am an outlier who couldn't get past tutorial for ps4 spiderman when i tried playing it lmao
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i still think feh's biggest crime is not having any of the books actively use askrian royalty's power of opening gates
we've got a few instances of embla's power of closing, back in book 1 even with veronica closing a gate before kiran gets through (though i guess it reopens later so that could be the one instance of askr's opening?) and then now in the newest chapter. and yeah we saw how askr and embla themselves (and ash and elm too) use their powers which are more powerful versions of the royals' but. idk i just want to see alfonse and sharena actually open a gate on screen and having it be significant in some way yknow?
#maybe that's where the new plot with yggdrasils roots will lead. but we dont know yet#i think the only instance of either askr sib using these powers on screen is. technically. the dragalia crossover event#where sharena struggles to open a gate just enough to get to alberia. and then at the end when they open another to leave#and that's the second part. alfonse opens a gate to leave in the first part of the crossover too.#theyve used it more in a game that isnt even their own...#you could argue we see lif andd thrasir using their powers constantly through b3 and in the b4 ending movie#opening and closing portals right after crossing. and the portal lif used to go back to the destroyed zenith in b3#but otherwise it's???????#idk i wish it was a bigger plot point sometime lol#tortilla rambles#sorry im chatty tonight
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Extreme To-Do Listing: having an entire section of your list that is stuff you won’t even think about until after Christmas/January because you know you won’t have time until then
#Struggle bussing right now#Sleep who?#leisure time who?#Even fun stuff is on the to do list because I have to make sure I have time for everything#I literally wrote Christmas movies into the family calendar this year because otherwise we won’t get to it#Fun Christmas tasks have to be worked into my schedule#And I have to put them on The List#So my list for tomorrow contains both “put up room decorations” and “battle the hospital/insurance companies”#Send help
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ummm someone help me think of a legitimate villain/criminal/etc au or an au in which chiyo’s changed and hardened bc i’ve listened to that loop of “when does a man become a monster?” from epic one too many times and i need to write some tragedy i fear
#no ‘ well she’s got one foot in each side or she’s being twisted against her nature by other forces but she’s still the same woman ’#only ‘ she’s been doomed by the narrative. she’s been changed by the narrative. this couldn’t have gone any other way ’#‘ she’ll never be the same no matter how much she wants to be ’#bc when does a comet become a meteor y’all!! when does a candle become a blaze!! when does the reason become the blame!!!!!#going insane sorry 😔 it’ll keep happening 😔#and the thing is chiyo’s moral compass is so strong — the only thing thus far that was ever made it move is her loved ones#love be it romantic platonic or familial can make her accept a lot#but to see her truly do anything ‘ bad ’ it’s like… i gotta place her in a situation and i need it to be big bc otherwise#she’ll talk herself into doing the right thing — and i’m okay with that! but!!!! i need her to struggle so much first#anyway… i’m home ASDGHJ#might get my face washed and whatnot first but i’m coming online to write hehe#hope today has been kind to you 💜#get ready to ramble | ooc#but who would wade through the overgrown flowerbeds? brave brambles and traitorous thorns? | wishlist
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okay, i’m genuinely curious: do people find me intimidating?
#that’s crazy to me but i wanna hear it from you#bc i get intimidated by other people i deem too cool for me whether that’s silly or not#but like to think other people find *me* intimidating?#idk i feel im very jaded and my own perception of myself very obviously will probably not match other people’s#idk i’m thinking about that kinda stuff lately#both in the context of friendship and otherwise#and just trying to both be more grown up and putting myself out there and making new adult relationships#and also balancing that with autism and the struggle to do so#my experience with friendship is weird and i wanna actually learn to be better basically#idk i always feel i’m a bad friend but like i do try really really hard and if i was really a bad friend i wouldn’t try at all would i?#idk it’s very complicated and it comes from a werid childhood and yadda yadda#whatever my big thing right now is communication i guess?#and relearning how to do it etc#as i’ve said in multiple posts#and i guess i’m trying to bare with myself as well as asking other people to do the same#bc i wanna talk and make friends but i’m currently on a slow road to figuring stuff out in my life so uhh yeah#that’s the guist of it i guess#anyways imaooo this post got away from me#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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i need november to pass in my sleep i cant handle another month of this i feel so selfish but im kinda miserable lately
#i cant do anything im struggling just to lay in bed and do nothing#everything makes nausea worse sitting up talking drinking water breathing#it's like im a prisoner and just struggling to do 40% of my job and literally nothing else#i need this to get better in a month or im gonna go insane :(#i told my team lead im pregnant even though its “early” to tell people because how tf am i going to explain myself otherwise i feel like#i got stupider and i cant do anything right and i havent seen any friends the best i get i hanging out with my mom
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started a short fic with an enby Tav about how people call Astarion spawn and leech instead of by name a lot because I got Feelings over it (read the full fic on tumblr or AO3!)
#me holding up a nonbinary Tav: they're so demi and it's causing problems with the local vampire#got a brain worm over how like everyone in the game basically spits out the word spawn at Astarion and it Went#we're at a pretty 3k words right now and I still got some steam#it'd take place in Act 1 after gathering up all the potential party and mucking about the area#so they've spent a few weeks together#also hey I love Shadowheart she was just the most willing to clap back at Astarion in the over world for me#I struggle with Lae'zel writing but eventually! I hope to get better#because otherwise she'd be the one eviscerating him#tentatively calling this blurb the Power of Names
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i deserve financial compensation for the amount of fucking hoops i had to jump through to enable tipping on here
#mar.txt#this is /j obviously i'm just trying to be lighthearted to cope with the Anger ha ha ha :)#oh the urge to throw my phone as hard as possible into a hard surface. but i cannot. not Yet at least. but once i get a job and can get a#new one......... this one's getting destroyed through Brute Force :)#lets see how many times did i have to re-login and redo Everything because the verification thing wouldn't accept my id picture bc it was#'too blurry' so i had to take a picture with my phone camera but i had to clear app caches first because this phone is constantly at 99-100#storage space. but Then because it fucking sucks ass and if i Breathe in the direction of another app whatever app i just tabbed off of#crashes and i have to reopen it. i had to log back in Again which meant waiting for the text message verification code Again (i live in the#middle of nowhere with a phone that Refuses to use the wifi for calls/texts and instead only uses the shitty cell service)#because Apparently tumblr users aren't allowed to stay logged in nor log in with a password. and Then i had to take a picture of the back#of my id too and i tried using my phone camera straight from the gallery option when i clicked upload. but because my phone sucks That also#crashed my browser and made me log back in. this isnt even counting btw how many times i TRIED to do it through tumblr but it kept stalling#and making me back all the way out log all the way back in and wait on it again for it to go further so i said fuck it and went to my#browser to do it. so i log back in and then i find out not only did attempting to take that picture crash my browser but it didnt even#actually TAKE the picture. so i have to click back over to my camera app Again and take the picture Again and log back in and wait the eons#it takes for things on this phone to load AGAIN. and then i Finally. FINALLY get it completed.#oh but did you think that was all? oh no i STILL had to log back in and load all the way back in Again through tumblr one final time to tel#the app i had done all that! and THEN i could turn tipping on. right?#no. i then had to close the app and reopen it again for it to Let me enable it. otherwise it just tried to take me back to stripe then#proceeded to give me an error message when i tried. great job tumblr#anyways that was infuriating#lmao i forgot to finish the original thought and check#anyways. around 7 or 8 times. that took almost a half hour of struggling i'm pretty sure. enraging☺
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wanting to bitch about confusing road laws vs none of your friends drive or will understand = bitching on tumblr.
green lights at four-way intersections should always be accompanied by a yellow left turn arrow as a reminder to yield to oncoming traffic. this is the biggest problem facing our country right now. i am objectively correct.
#liz blogs#the literal only two things i struggle with are at FUCKING intersections#brain problem of 'i know information in theory just not in practice'#this is why we need public transit i am going to get killed and its going to be at an intersection <3#'oh i am making a left turn and the light is green! better go left!' you foole. you fucking idiot. you utter imbecile.#THERE IS STILL ONCOMING TRAFFIC#BECAUSE FUCK YOU IF YOU TURN LEFT IG#GREEN MEANS GO............... GREEN MEANS GO DO NOT ADD EXTRA ~ * ~ SECRET STEPS ~ * ~#'you can make a right turn on red unless otherwise marked' idk maybe a green right arrow sHOULD COME UP THEN#DON'T MAKE ME ASSUME THINGS WHEN I DRIVE JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO#FUCK THIS GAY ASS COUNTRY* (* im gay)#if i saw a yellow arrow for the left lane i would remember to CHECK FOR TRAFFIC#i like driving until Intersections then i want everyone to explode except me so i can drive how driving should work#and thats enough to make me Not want to drive Period#I AM GOING TO MOVE SOMEWHERE SO FUCKING WALKABLE JUST YOU WATCH ME#I AM GOING TO PETITION THE GOVERNMENT (i am not going to petition the government)#im so mad im so good at driving until Bullshit ass Nondescript Intersection Lights#(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ KILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ive been trying to figure out why my lines were looking so pixelated on sai like ive been fiddling around with my settings for a good hour but it turns out its my monitor smh -_-
#switched it over to my other monitor and its looking fine LOL#still trying to get used to drawing on my pc bc i think my laptop is .. well.. it's still in struggle town#but im trying to get used to my pc so i can work on my wips again otherwise if i work on them right away#theyll just look off 😭
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i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it
#i have never really felt like just disappearing off of the face of the earth and not talking to Anyone before but i have been thinking of it#a lot today! which is wild bc not my normal isolation thought but today it seems good ahahahaha#i am just. tired. i feel like i am not listened to ever and i feel unwanted as hell lately which i know in the back of my mind i am not#unwanted but boy do it feel like that lately lol. and i’ve been back on my ‘im gonna die alone bc nobody ever will love me how i love them’#bullshit which i have Not missed but it is come back full on ! soooo fun for me hahahahahaha i love to feel miserable about being unwanted#by those around me!!!! love it sooooooooooo much weeeeeee i totally don’t wanna slam my head through a window!!!!#also just in general lately i have felt like people talking to me is a chore to them bc nobody around me has been having actual conversation#it’s all been shit ass one word or one sentence replies from everyone or they talk about what they want and not acknowledge what i said and#i don’t even know what to do about it. i just don’t even want to talk to anyone now bc i feel like they literally don’t want to speak to me#and they don’t care what i have to say clearly bc they don’t pay attention and then bring up what i said says or weeks later like i never#said anything and it’s like hm wow yeah i fucking told you about that??? maybe if you pay attention you’d have known that but it’s fine !!!!#I’m just. tired of it. i am fully understanding of everyone having lives and doing their own things they need to do. but this is like. fr#different. like it feels so much different than that and i don’t get it and i don’t know what to do !!!!!!! i feel like i’m going Nuts#anyways if any of you wanna stick me through a meat grinder i would be forever thankful and you have the rights to take anything i own after#what this boils down to is my autistic ass is like everyone is not doing their normal thing!!! everyone is off their normal talking schedule#with me!!!! this must mean they fucking want me dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc they went off script/pattern and not in a way they have in the past#that indicated that they just are struggling to reach out! this is different and bad and they want you out of their life!!!!!!!#which is ridiculous but what the fuck am i to do about it bc i will be thinking this until i basically am told otherwise by these people. so#that’s soooo much fun i love brains they’re so silly i wish i could jump at a wall and stick to it until i just slowly peel off and onto the#floor. anyways. hope everyone else has a good night
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SCREAMING RN Worst night of my life
I was successful for almost 2 years from prevening my brain from being a piece of shit and splitting but I guess this weekend we're getting 2 fictives because Fuck me Ig
Tbh could care less about Shadow bc yk what he's fine. I don't have to worry about his ass being feral and being completely reckless
Spamton Fucking NEO on the other hand I- I hate this I hate everything rn I wish system hoping was real GET ME OUT OF HERE
#❄️ You guys have absolutely no idea how hard I've been fighting not to split into that bastard ever since chapter 2 came out#And to fucking top off the cake. There's a secret 3rd alter I've also been trying to sweep under the carpet#Also#Apparently the Ad fucker has absolutely no idea how to properly control the body this is an absolute nightmare#otherwise he seems nice actually#I don't wanto be mean right off the bad I just hate this whole process#Literally all day has been nothing but me and him blurring together on and off till now and it's horrible#With Shadow it was completely fine. Just showed up and immediately made his presence known#Aka by insulting my skating skills out on the rink bc I couldn't stop overthinking e v e r y t h i n g#God ok ok ok#I'm done venting now#system shenanigans#I'm going to cry if we end up getting a Kris fictive tomorrow I cannot just keep splitting PLEASE#I don't Wanna be a poly system I don't think I can even keep up with 30+ alters#I am already struggling with more than 25#Help
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