#I still yearn for Buddie endgame

[diazheartsbuckley]

Okay so I know that I’ve been offline for a while so I haven’t seen everything that’s been going on recently

I have however seen people being like, “oh Tommy doesn’t understand Buck” or being like, “Eddie treats Buck so much better”

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you can’t compare Buck and Tommy’s relationship to Buck and Eddie’s relationship??

Buck has known Tommy for maybe…a month? Two months at the end of season 7?

And he has known Eddie for over SIX YEARS??

Of course Tommy isn’t going to be able to understand Buck as well as Eddie does because he hasn’t been given a fighting chance yet??

Comparing their relationships is like comparing apples to bananas and being like, “oh they’re both fruits so they must be the same!!”

No??

Yes all these three men are fruity as hell but they cannot and should not be compared

That will be all from me tonight 🤭

[http-shield]

whatever you say, old man- bucky barnes

~ bucky barnes x fem!reader ~tags/cw: post endgame but no one is dead and life is good, think 2012 Avengers fandom where clint is in the vents yeah that is where I'm at, established friendships, pining, yearning, bucky is not used to new age dating rituals, explicit language, sexual tension ~ wc: 2.6k ~ not proofread

You: Hey, are we still on for tonight? Rita’s at 7?

Him: ye

“So you’re telling me this is normal?” Bucky’s tone is judgemental as he quickly reads over the words on your screen.

You nod, wordlessly confirming that situatuonships are a staple part of the modern dating scene.

Bucky’s brows furrow, eyes flicking from the lack of effort text message to your face as you lean over the bed, phone gripped between expertly manicured fingers. He blinks once, twice, as if taking the time to formulate a response that will rebuke your earlier confirmation without hurting your feelings. This is new for him. A habit he has only recently picked up upon developing his friendship with you. He usually isn't as careful with his words, not caring enough about the recipient's opinion or emotional well-being to warrant enough time and consideration when responding, but with you. It was another ball game entirely. Bucky doesn't want to hurt your feelings, to see you frown because of something he has said; in fact, he wants the opposite. To see you smile and laugh and blush because of him. For you to want to talk to him about anything and everything, share thoughts about your day and how things make you feel. Bucky wants to know everything that happens in that pretty little brain of yours, even if he doesn't necessarily agree with it. Normally he would take the time to sugarcoat his words, sweeten his tone and make it easy for you to swallow but this is a situation where he couldn't, doesn't, want to mince his words.

“There is no world where that is normal.” He stares at you, expression bored and a little annoyed. At you? Never. At the man on the other side of the phone? Incredibly so.

You groan at his very true statement and pull away, slipping the phone into the pocket of your cargos as you turn towards your open closet.

He’s right. You know he is.

There is nothing remotely normal about two grown adults being in a relationship that is defined by the amount of time the other left the first one on read, or how much emotional vulnerability there could be put on the table before the other got too scared and ran. There is nothing normal about being in your late twenties and having a grown man introduce you to his friends as a 'buddy’ despite having an entire draw dedicated to you in his apartment but you can’t admit that, refuse to admit that you know its wrong and desperate and frankly, demeaning. If you can't own up to your own patheticness, how are you supposed to admit it to the man you are secretly interested in. There would be nothing more humiliating than confessing that the only reason you are with and putting up with bullshit efforts from this other guy is to hopefully distract yourself from the desperate need you feel for Bucky. This new guy is mediocre at worst yet attainable at best and that is something you will live with until your crush on the super soldier is dead and gone and you can finally focus on something other than him.

——

You had spoken with Natasha about Bucky last night, her voice a soothing purr over the phone as she encouraged you to disclose your concerns about pushing the boundaries on your friendship with the super soldier.

“The worst thing that can happen is he says no and then you both move on.” She croons, voice laced with comfort and reassurance.

“Wrong.” You shake your head despite being on a voice call.  “The worst thing that can happen is he says no, I lose him as a friend and then I’m stuck pining after someone who wants nothing to do with me” You place another dish in the washer before continuing with your point. “Or I push him before he is ready, again losing him as a friend, and now I’m left with the guilt of possibly taking advantage of a war veteran.”

“You take advantage of Steve all the time, how is this any different?” 

“I take advantage of Steve to get someone to carry in the groceries. I’m not trying to date Steve.”

Natasha huffs a laugh. “What if he is interested in you as well?”

Your hands stop scrubbing at the pan in the sink.

“I can find out.”

Heat fills your body, your stomach twists at the idea of having that information. It would put an end to the constant yearning you feel, but the thought of finding out he doesn’t like you that way, that he sees you as no more than a friend will destroy you, humiliate you beyond all logical reason and you would be forced to cut off the friendship out of pure self-preservation.

You shake your head again. “I’m good.” And return to scrubbing your pan. “I'll just wait out the crush and then move on.”

——

“This isn’t the 1940’s anymore.”  You sigh and completely shift your attention from Bucky to the mess that is staring back at you.

Endless outfit options are strewn about the small closet but so far none of them have come together, just single shirts, skirts, and pants all muddled in a heap of black.

“I know it's not the 40s but I doubt relationships and dating have changed that much." Bucky grumbles from behind you, the bed creaking as he shifts.

Another sigh, this one long and exaggerated as you will the frustration to leave your body. You want to turn to him and explain that you know all this, and are very aware of the fact that nothing about your current predicament is what you want. You want to be wooed with flowers and preplanned dates and soft kisses on hands and longing looks but that’s not the reality of life anymore and having to be reminded of it is getting annoying and your heart is starting to ache at the lack of effort given to you by your current choice of dating partner.

“You know if I was taking..” Bucky starts but you quickly cut him off with a whine of his name.

“James, please.” You don’t turn to face your friend, afraid to even glance at him because you know you will crumble. “I need help picking out an outfit so help me or go back to your room.”

--------

“You know if I was taking…” You don’t let Bucky finish but, God did he want to. His name on your tongue was enough to shut him up, to send a flush rushing to his face in a way that no man his age should blush, but he can’t help it. There is something about the way his name falls from your lips that has his mind racing to thoughts that should not be there, should not appear when the picture of you enters his mind.

“You know if I was taking you on a date, you’d get flowers and chocolates and champagne and those little baby dolls you like” is what he wanted to say before you shut him up with an annoyed grumble.

His intention wasn’t to display how things were different back in his day but to indicate exactly what you’d be getting were you about to go on a date with him, to explain the reason why you should go on a date with him and not some loser who couldn’t even formulate a fully fleshed out text message. How if you were to drop that kid, and say yes to Bucky he would gather the moon on string for you, pick every flower in every field, find every single little Sonny Angel there is and give them to you each and every day for the rest of your life, you would never be sat wondering why he isn’t calling or responding, if you were even going out the next day, if he even liked you. Bucky would make his feelings for you so abundantly clear that even a blind man would be able to see the signs, but you are his best friend and best friends don’t feel that way about each other. It’s all platonic hugs and hair tussles, cheeky jabs at each other over coffee, shared trauma and secrets over whatever dinner you bring to his apartment and he yours. There will be no dates, or long hugs that turn into kisses that turn into you beneath him, whimpering his name as he makes you feel oh so good.

Fuck.

Bucky’s entire body is on fire, and he needs to stop thinking about the way you would feel wrapped around him, his mouth on yours, the taste of you sweet on his tongue.

“Okay, what about this?” you announce as you walk into the bedroom from the ensuite. “Too much?”

You stand in the doorway, dressed in plain jeans and a black shirt.

“Too much?” Bucky is confused. “This is the outfit you wore to breakfast this morning.”

He is right about this too. You had worn a very similar outfit this morning, but tonight isn’t a full-on date, a semi-date, where things shouldn’t be that fancy so why shouldn’t you recycle your outfits. Bucky stands from the bed, readying himself to dig through the mountain of clothes that had formed at the entrance to the bathroom. He crosses the small space and squats before the clothing, fingers expertly rifling through the material, quickly brushing over the lace of bras and panties, before finding purchase on a black dress he thinks he has seen you in before. It might have been the dress you wore to a funeral or press conference, either way, it was not alluring in the slightest, not that you weren’t stunning in everything you wore, hell you could come out wearing a garbage bag and Bucky would be in awe of your beauty. It was just that he didn’t want your date to ogle you, to think of you the same way Bucky does so he is being a little selfish and conniving in his choice of garment.

“Where is he taking you?” His question is disguised as interest in the dress code but his real curiosity is far from an outfit.

There are two reasons why he needs to know where you will be tonight. The first is to judge whether this manchild is even worthy of a date with you, second if he knew the exact location and time, maybe he could show up and show out your date, make you realise what you deserve and how Bucky could be the one who gives it to you.

 “We’re meeting at Rita’s down the road and then might see a movie, maybe something else. I’m not sure yet.”

“He hasn’t planned anything?” Bucky whips his head around to you, finding you standing there looking incredibly embarrassed at the lack of effort. What the fuck happened in the years he was gone?

The defeated shake of your head is enough to have Bucky’s chest aching. He sits back on his haunches; the dress discarded back in the pile and gives the outfit another look as he decides on where to go from here. “Yeah, I think it’s too much.” He nods and stands up, brushing his hands as if he had just completed an excavation on some ancient site.

“Go change back into your sweats ‘cause there is no way I’m letting you go on a date with a guy who can’t even plan something.” He nods his chin towards the bathroom, more of an order than a suggestion.

He watches you tilt your head back as you groan in frustration. “I’m not going through this again, old man. This is how it works now.”

Now it’s Bucky’s turn to get frustrated. He takes a step towards you, hulking 6’0 frame rising to tower above you with a somewhat menacing glare, but you know he will never hurt you no matter how much you push his buttons.

“I’m not talking about what it used to be like, little girl.” The jab at your age/generational difference comes out before he can register it, but he notices how your eyes widen. “This is about getting what you deserve.”

He pushes in on the space between your bodies, now chest to chest as you square your shoulders, not ready to back down from an argument despite knowing you will not win.

“And what’s that?” you stare up at him, brows raised in anticipation of his answer. You aren’t sure where this is going. If you are going to receive another lecture or maybe even a verbal beatdown as to why your standards for men are so low, a common topic of conversation between you and Natasha, but instead you are met with a soft smile as his Vibranium hand is raised and brushes against your cheek.

“You deserve flowers and preplanned dates and wine and jewellery and everything you could ever want.” Bucky’s voice drops into a whisper, cold fingers trailing soothing lines against your heating skin. “You deserve a man worshipping you, to be on his hands and knees begging to take you on a date. Not some punk who can barely put together a sentence.”

You hold his gaze, blue eyes staring intently as you shudder in a breath. “Who’s going to do that, huh?” your voice is small, no longer filled with the same bravado you had not a minute ago. “You know anyone who wants to do that for me, you send them my way Bucko.”

His metal hand slips to your cheek to your jaw, fingers pressing into your pulse points so he can feel the speed at which your heart is racing.

“I’d do it.” He states matter-of-factly, eyes dipping to your lips. “I’d do anything for you.”

Breathing becomes a little bit too difficult as his human hand traces up your bare arm.

“Anything?”

Bucky nods and dips his head until his face is mere centimetres from yours. “You didn’t let me finish before, but I'd give you anything you’ve ever wanted.” Fingers move to cup your chin and tilt your head up. “You want flowers, I’m a florist. Moon? Stars? I’m getting Stark to build me a rocket. Anything you want, you’re getting it.”

“And if I want you on your hands and knees barking like a dog for me?” You smirk, the mental image of Bucky on his knees panting like a puppy has your stomach twisting.

“Put a collar on me and call me Spot 'cause I’m yours, doll.”

The confession has your eyes widening.

“I’m all yours, from now until whenever you’re done with me.” Bucky whispers, breathless.

“And what if I want you to kiss me?” you ask, knowing he is waiting for your permission to do just that.

Bucky crumbles, his expression falling from that of teasing into one of pleading.

“I want you to kiss me, James.” You whisper.

His resolve breaks and he presses his lips to yours. Softly and timidly, closed mouth and restrained but as your hands reach out to grip his waist, a delicate gasp slipping past your lips, does he deepen the kiss. His mouth opens over yours, lips slotting against your plush ones, tongue darting out to test to waters only to be met with your slackening jaw. Bucky’s grip on you tightens as he continues to kiss you, afraid to let you go in case this was one of the many, many dreams he had where he woke up alone and confused, but as you bite down on his bottom lip, he is brought back to reality. Your hands on his waist, pull him tighter against you, the softness of your body had Bucky’s mind wandering to places it should not be. You pull back, pupils blown wide and lips parted as you pant. Bucky is just as breathless, hands cupping your face with a gentleness he doesn’t think you’ve ever known from the way you stare up at him.

“You’re not going on that date.”

“Whatever you say, old man.”

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

a/n: eee this is my first avengers fanfic since like 2018 pls be nice I just need something happy to think about clint living in the airvents, thor eating poptarts era was my happy place

[waters-and-the-wilde]

get in losers i'm yelling about Vanishing Act

CASSANDRA

god at some point please let her find out that the one trend she well and truly actually started was 'heckling Juno Steel and that dorky tall bastard about making big dorky smitten eyes at each other' and that he's still hung up on the guy

(I am not. entirely sold on the idea of them getting actual married as endgame for a variety of reasons but I do think about stuff like. Cassandra getting a wedding invite and showing up and going WAIT. HIM? FUCKING REALLY STEEL?? while Nureyev does a saucy little gay wave)

PETRUSHKA AURINKOVICH NUREYEV OF COURSE YOU FUCKIGN. RECREATIONAL LOCKPICKING STIMS.

FUCK. I LOVE HIM. GODDAMMIT. I NEED. TO. PUT HIM IN THE FLOWER PRESS BOOK. GET FLATTENED YOU FUCKING NERD.

tbh i love it when kabert will just. Go Off about the entertainment industry and capitalist executive meddling in art, is it heavy-handed? slightly. do i enjoy it every time? yeahhhhhhh

god this episode was just so fucking FUN and I think it's like 85% because Juno's in a good place and enjoying himself, like the atmosphere has a lot of what S1-2 had but extra rewarding bc of the skill and spirit with which he has clawed himself out of that which resembles the grave but isn't

OKAY THE PLAY THOUGH. YOU CAN'T TELL ME IT'S NOT FORESHADOWING FOR WHAT THE EXECUTIVES ARE DOING/GOING TO DO TO NUREYEV. STRINGING HIM ALONG AND MAKING HIM WORK UNTIL HE BREAKS. THE WAY HE'LL KEEP DOING EVERYTHING THEY ASK ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH AND THEY WILL NEVER KEEP THEIR WORD.

WAIT HOLD UP SONOFABITCH I BET YOU THE FORTISIMO LOCK IS A FUCKING METAPHOR TOO

IT SCARMBLES THE TUMBLERS IT RESETS THE CONDITIONS AS YOU TRY TO UNDO IT

'Carrie Gold' CARRIE GOLD?? okay like with 'Rex Glass' I did not actually track the pun until someone pointed it out but this time it was because i was too hung up on the fact that this lady is a BRAND OF BUTTER. KERRY GOLD. I FUCKINH ASK YOU

I never actually listened to Shaken in S1 but I accidentally traumatized my friend whomst i was trying to get to listen to the show and forgot to warn them about the horror episodes so they told me about what happens in that one and did not end up listening past it. in any case i see what they did there.

okay the bit with the Ruby and the feeling it's following to track Nureyev down and the bit from the Q and A about yearning. like tell me it's yearning without telling me it's yearning. i don't entirely understand what's happening here but it compels me.

GOD JUNO AND RITA WORKING TOGETHER AS MATCHED SET DO NOT SEPARATE PI BUDDIES YOUR HONOR I CARE THEM

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

The I feel like she sees me line being said to Eddie who is the person that truly sees Buck for all that he is. Are we supposed to take this line at face value which would indicate piss poor writing because they needed to rush to a horrible ending or do we take it as Buck being an unreliable narrator? What was the audience supposed to interpret from Buck saying that, were we truly supposed to believe him or we supposed to be pissed at Buck for saying this to the one person that truly sees Buck?

Good morning to me, I guess.

I'm assuming you haven't really seen people's reactions in the fandom on tumblr because I feel like I saw this said in quite a few posts going around, but you are absolutely not supposed to take this line at face value. I'm surprised that people think you should. 9-1-1 has from the beginning had a habit of turning friendships into romantic relationships (Bathena and Madney) and taking their time with these things rather than having an instalove situation. Even Karen and Hen, who meet when they're set up on a date together, don't instantly fall in love. I do not think they would set Eddie or Buck up for an endgame relationship with a woman by having them date that woman immediately, even if they didn't plan to make Buddie canon.

Buck is clearly struggling post-death. He's lost and once again looking for the answer from a romantic partner. He did a lot of growth in regards to his family relationships this season but not his romantic ones. Remember, his couch ended up destroyed and he asked his latest girlfriend to pick the new one out for him. Again. He's still not picking his own damn couch. After being unable to sleep on the one his mom gave him but passed out instantly on Eddie's where he ran to feel safe.

If people think this is all, somehow, an accident or the writers are doing this without knowing what they're doing, then I can't help you. Do you also think the symbolism I put into my fanfics are a total accident? Do you guys think I picked the name of the poem "Fuchsia Emerald Alizarin Rose" just because the colors are fun and they accidentally spell out F.E.A.R. or do you think maybe I did that absolutely 100% on purpose and was waiting for someone to realize?

Buck saying that to Eddie is 100% supposed to make the audience raise their eyebrows. Especially when we see Eddie's reaction. He's confused and he's hurt and he's annoyed. Eddie then spends his next few lines showing Buck (and us) that he sees Buck. Buck misses it, it goes right over his head, but the audience is shown that Buck is wrong and Eddie sees him.

I think there was a lot of internal stuff going on behind the scenes way high up the ladder that meant Buddie didn't happen this season. No, I don't mean that in a tinhatting way, I just mean that they knew Fox wouldn't renew them, they didn't know if they'd get picked up somewhere else, Fox hasn't promoted or cared about this show the way it has its other shows in a while, and I think it's pretty clear there was shuffling and changes going on with 6B. So I think things had to be put off. Similar to the pandemic, where I genuinely wonder what kind of season four we would've gotten if we'd had the full 18 episodes and hadn't had to work around Covid. I think that when we know there was a big shift going on behind the scenes, we need to have some grace and patience in how that will effect the story that's told on screen.

But I think that this default to "everything good we see on our screens is an accident and the writers are making shitty choices" is a horrible bad faith argument, and it's exhausting. Aren't you exhausted? I'm exhausted. Fandom shouldn't treat the writing and production team like their enemies any more than the writing and production team should treat the fans like their enemies in some kind of war they have to win (looking at you, GoT showrunners).

We are supposed to be annoyed that Buck is missing the point. We are supposed to see Buck's yearning to be a husband and a father, and how he's missing what's right in front of him. We are supposed to put two and two together and see that Eddie was hurt by Buck's words, that Eddie sees Buck, that Eddie is Buck's safe place, and that Eddie in that moment decided he might not have a chance with Buck and needs to move on, because previously we saw Eddie admit he wants romance again but he doesn't want to go out on dates, we saw his aunt say she met her husband through work, we saw him say 'we have time' and then we saw him immediately after Buck tells him about this new girl who "sees him" flee to visit his mother and then immediately actually try dating. On a meta level this is also because Eddie needs confidence in himself as a romantic partner and needs some more experience under his belt before he's ready to take the plunge with Buck, but in Eddie's mind, I think it's pretty clear he feels Buck will never want him back and he's trying to find the love he wants somewhere else, even if his heart is still Buck's.

So that's what I think. I think it's not explicitly spelled out for a few reasons, but frankly if one of them was a woman we wouldn't need it explicitly spelled out and personally I kinda like that it's not. Something that annoys me with M/F pairings is the constant "we all know you two like each other" talks from third parties that half the time aren't about the characters but are about the audience, to either tell the audience SEE THEY LIKE EACH OTHER THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT or to give the audience some fanservice while the characters aren't ready to get together. I don't need to be pandered to that way, thank you, so I'm a fan of the slightly more subtle approach that I, personally, see going on with Buddie.

If you or anyone else disagrees with me and feels it was just "piss poor writing" then that's entirely your right. I'd just appreciate it if people who feel that way would stop watching the show, and stop putting their complaints into the inboxes of people who clearly do enjoy the show.

TL;DR - You answered your own question, Buck is an unreliable narrator (and always has been) and we are supposed to be frustrated he said this to Eddie who has proven time and again (and does so in that very scene) that he sees Buck.

[lenievi]

snw2 #6

My personal episode ranking based on my enjoyment: 3 - 6 - 4 - 2 - 1 - 5

such a GOOD episode

(this time I’m leaving all my feelings and thoughts as they occurred as I went through the episode, so it’s a mess and I mention things that the episode explains later. I mean these posts are pretty much just for me anyway)

Kirk/La’an in the preview!!! why are you teasing me so?????? (also the parallels in the preview between Kirk/La’an and Spock/Chapel.... if you’re experimenting with Spock/Chapel, I want you to experiment with Kirk/La’an, ok? I think that sometimes people misunderstand, because I don’t expect or even want Kirk and La’an to live happily until Kirk’s 60 and dies, I just want them to give them a chance... for a year or two (which is entirely plausible because there are years before Kirk gets the Enterprise where we don’t know anything about a girlfriend), it’s about the journey, not the endgame - and I feel like people are always focused on endgame. After ep 3, I made a mistake and looked around the fandom and the amount of people who would just be like doomed doomed doomed is annoying. And like, so what? I know people do this with Spock/Chapel too, even though with them it’s way more about glee than anything else, and it’s also pretty annoying)

....... wow they robbed us of Pike’s promotion ceremony? Does it mean it’s just for this episode so he and Kirk can meet? Like seriously? This is so hilarious if true

Pike: “I’ve been given a command of the Farragut” LMAO (this is some... convoluted writing lbr) 

- awww Uhura’s watching video of Hemmer to learn T_T

- Una’s finally doing her job. amazing.

- oh, Uhura now has a single room. Interesting. So maybe only cadets share rooms?

- soooooo, the preview did lie to me, okay. I mean, I expected it, but I wanted Una and Kirk to meet :(((( 

- omg thank you for 1. Sam being jealous 2. the brothers not having a loving buddy buddy relationship 3. love seeing that Jim’s biases against soft sciences are actually still very much present

considering that Sam has a family, a wife and kids, I wonder if Kirk Sr. doesn’t consider that enough... and that’s why Jim is always going after career because that’s what his father instilled in him. = to be a man, you’ve got to be successful, you’ve got to aim high, you’ve got to be the best. And so Jim goes through that life while yearning for a home and family... and eventually, he just gets an empty house.

- I really like these types of episodes where we can see everyone. This is already so much better than last week’s episode

- Spock and Chapel do play chess together. Yay :D

- oh, wow, it’s gonna be Chapel who ends it? (just me theorizing, because she’s like pulling back now :/) That... hmmmm, will make tos!Chapel look worse. Please, handle the relationship with care or officially make SNW a different timeline where stuff in TOS happens differently (I know ep 3 did that, but also a lot of people are sooooo stubborn against it, like, ok, they changed the years, but it doesn’t mean that what happened in the episodes changed. But... anyway, handle it with care and don’t make tos!Chapel look bad because she’d still be pining even though it’d be her fault that the relationship ended. I mean we’ll see how it goes...) Also LMAO at Spock actually being extra invested. He really wants this to work, and Chapel is probably going to break his heart? (even though that is not what TOS implies but could be interesting. I’d actually prefer if we could get them having a relationship together, but... yeah)

love how Kirk implied that Spock might be losing against Chapel in chess lol (Kirk was like, ok, I guess Vulcans are good at chess BUT they’re also easily distracted. Noted.)

- why can’t all episodes just have everyone interacting, so we can learn more about their dynamic?

- uhmmm, Pike, you shouldn’t be your crew’s friend......... (I kind of miss the lack of proper professionalism like it was in TOS. I know, I know, different times, but...)

- is Kirk literally going to meet everyone from his future crew in this episode? (we’re missing Chapel and Spock atm, even though he already saw them playing chess)

- and as I was just wondering where is La’an since it’s a security job, she appeared. Good. Would be stupid if they kept her away from an episode with Kirk (can they meet pls?)

- why is everyone calling Kirk “James”??? (do the writers have some fanfics wishes for Uhura to do that or what? Wouldn’t an ensign call her superior officer by the title? Now, what’s missing is Kirk calling her “Nyota”)

- akhdkjahfjshdjfghjdsgjsgjsh 

La’an: James? Pike: You two know each other?

akdhjahfjdshjghsjghsj 

- I’m glad that Pike is there for Uhura too btw (I just don’t think a captain should say he’s an ensign’s friend, that’s all)

omg omg omg Thank you so much for that Kirk/La’an scene

1. just the way he opens up to her because he doesn’t want her to think he’s one to chase every pretty skirt

2. Kirk not truly growing up on Earth but jumping from an outpost to an outpost, from a planet to a planet is my long time headcanon. (So I’m gonna take it and use it so much.) Kirk not really growing up with a father around as well. (which might also mean that Kirk’s parents’ relationship might not be ideal, but we’ll see. So much validation in this little scene. Gonna probably be really annoying about it later)

3. La’an just... smiling at him T_T idk I’m just so happy with this scene

4. Kirk being all “I didn’t forget you owe me a drink” kshdjkahfjkhdjkghjsdhgjsh

it must still be hard for La’an, but tiny steps

- thanks for giving me good scenes with Una in this episode (but I still have the same problem when it comes to the relationships. They showed Una and Hemmer interacting once...)

- and when I thought they would ignore Spock, they had to insert him in lol At least, that’s out of the way, and now they can just exist while having adventures with other people. I like it was together with Uhura and that Uhura introduced them and that it was completely casual, but omg please stop with Spock needing to clean dishes after Sam Kirk. 

McCoy: So, Jim, how did you and Spock meet? Kirk: He came to my table when I was talking with Uhura to clean a glass after Sam. Can you believe that? Who does that in a bar?

(I kind of entertained the thought that “meet James Kirk” was about Spock (or rather it was literally the first thought when hearing the line), just edited in that way in the trailer, and... I was right lol)

aaaand is Pike like going to loose the Fleet Captain badge in the next episode? Is that really what will happen? Temporary promotion for one single mission. Okay. Sounds... like a good writing (I think it’d be better to just ignore The Menagerie than do this... are you gonna not let them meet after this or what?)

anyway, such a good episode, and I’m actually so glad that they left Spock out, because people would probably just talk about that and wouldn’t focus on Uhura, and she deserves it so much. (the fact that startrek.com’s promo pic about the episode is Kirk and Spock is so insulting - it was like three seconds)

I kinda like that it felt like Kirk wasn’t actually sure about his “charm and jokes”, that he feels like he needs to use them, but they’re not really him, and it will take him years to grow comfortable with them. 

Thank you for making him so serious. And thank you for making him immediately open up to La’an (and La’an knowing what to say back, so they kind of connected through understanding) T_T 

I loved Kirk and Uhura together. Now, Mirror Mirror has so much background when it comes to Kirk and Uhura. Love it.

Now, since Pike was already randomly promoted, I wonder if we’ll still see Kirk or if this was his last episode in this season. They got everything out of the way. And tbh two episodes are enough lol

Next ep is the crossover (and he’s not in that one). Then I suppose it might be some M’Benga and Chapel and PTSD from the war episode (because I feel like that still needs to come up again), the 9th episode is ????, and then it’s the finale, which imho might have Batel (unless that’s 8 - you know, there’s a scene in the trailer where she is on some planet and some ship is attacking), so... Kirk isn’t really needed tbh

well, we’ll see

anyway, I was so worried about this episode, and I’m so happy they didn’t disappoint me T_T (doesn’t mean I’ll start trusting them though, but I got so much of my headcanon and even expectations validated. I’m so happy. I’m gonna be so annoying with all this Kirk info)

I mean, SNW just does that, doing what I expect (even though sometimes in a slightly different way), but it has to end one day...

[untilteddocument]

After-Action Archive Phoenix Point 2nd Gig - Hack the Planet, Part 1

Note: Being that this is an ending-related entry, unmarked spoilers ahead!

Welcome back, one and all, to my After-Action Archive! This post, the last I'll be doing for my second playthrough of Phoenix Point, will be detailing the final mission of the game, this time aligning with the Disciples of Anu! I've been helping them throughout this campaign, which in a gameplay sense has mostly been the same as my first playthrough. The story, however...well, we've found out the Exalted's secret, after fending off a coup attempt from her scheming yes-being (bonus points if you get the joke), the Synod of Yearning.

It's kind of refreshing to see a faction so rooted in Freaky Meat Time revealed as genuinely heroic like they've been claiming all along, though this is also the funniest way they could have done it. The usual trope has the middle management operating in good faith and being deceived by their messiah-figure, and this holds true here, but it's the declared foundations of their faith itself that are dangerous, and the messiah's long con is on behalf of the rank-and-file faithful. I love it.

Anyways, so with the briefing, we were brought fully on board with the Exalted's plan, and we had only to do our homework while waiting for the Yuggothian Entity to get to its endgame...so we, in turn, could get to ours.

Upon completing the final research, the Pandoran Palace appears, and we're able to take a team of our best and show the Dead God how we do things downtown. Speaking of teams...

Roll Call

My absolute first recruit (and the redheaded lady on the title screen), Sophia Brown has gone through a bit different journey than she did the first time around. This time, she's putting her Assault skills to work in combination with the stealth bonuses of the Infiltrator class. Coupling Sneak Attack's absurd damage boost with her Shard Gun (some top-tier equipment I can thank the Legacy of the Ancients DLC for) means she's capable of some quick kills, and her Echo bionic head means she'll be able to do it without them even knowing where the hit came from.

For distance work, I've got her outfitted with a Crystal Crossbow, and for scouting and extra targets for enemies to hit, she's packing an Arachni spider drone launcher plus reload. A spare medkit wouldn't go to waste either.

-----------------------------------------

Somewhat less recent an addition to my team is Milas Johnston, who is here showing off the interaction between the Berserker class and non-Berserker weapons. Turns out, Armor Break and Adrenaline Rush work even better when all your Action Points can be used for attacking instead of movement, so coupled with sniper rifles (proficiency thanks to the Sniperist personal skill) doing loads of damage but not shredding any armor, it's an excellent weapon choice if available.

The combination of the Scorpion sniper rifle (another Legacy of Ancients special), the damage boost of Sniperist, and the damage boost of Sneak Attack means that he can do some real numbers when hidden, but his crappy stealth score means he has to be far away to do it, or else patch it with Vanish. Still, having the option of Vanish means it can work, and with an Athena paralyzing sniper rifle and a Destiny back-mounted laser cannon with plenty of reloads to round out his arsenal, he's loaded for bear, or Lovecraftian god.

-----------------------------------------

Being that most of this crew was on a squad with a vehicle, it's only reasonable to include a few specialists in that line. Asia Howard is one of them. Assault/Technician is a pretty common combo (Dash + any other class is almost never a wrong choice), and while there aren't any utterly broken interactions here (Rapid Clearance plus the Self-Defense Specialist personal skill and a Gorgon Eye PDW wouldn't be bad, but that's not why she's on the team), her main niche is of working with whatever robo-buddies we have deployed on the mission. Whether her Watcher and Rattlesnake turrets or Sophia's spider drones or any vehicle we have on site, she can compound their effectiveness with Remote Control.

Outside of that, she's also an effective medic, what with her high mobility and Tech Arms. For this mission, I packed a couple of reloads, spare medkits, and a Purifier incendiary grenade. I had a feeling that I'd be needing some of those.

-----------------------------------------

Next up is the next Assault/Technician on the team, Ruth Manda, who joined up with me when I saved her (New-Jericho-aligned) haven from Pandoran attack. The funny thing is, I was experimenting with her build shortly before this mission, and her being the second technician on the team was actually very recent. Instead of the Neural bionic torso like I had with Ms. Howard, I had her using the Juggernaut bionic torso with an eye towards using her as a frontliner. She worked well enough in that role, but for this mission, I thought a second combat medic wouldn't be uncalled-for.

Aside from her Shard Gun (its high burst of 15 plays very well with her Biochemist personal skill, which adds 1 Virus damage for every projectile), I also have her equipped with a Synedrion-standard Deimos laser assault rifle, in case longer range is needed. No turrets, but two Purifier grenades. As I said, thinking I'll need those.

-----------------------------------------

Another joiner, this time from a Disciples of Anu haven, Pauline El-Haddad also started with a much different build compared to now. Whereas she was a pure Berserker with a Tentacle torso mutation, I figured the team needed some support in a different area.

Cross-training her as a Priest, I figured the team could use some assistance with how willpower-intensive their styles were, so I outfitted her with a Synod head mutation, which comes with the Radiant Hope aura that restores two Willpower Points to everyone inside it every round. In addition to the obvious Gorgon Eye PDW for defense (and Biochemist for Virus damage, which synergizes with her Priest abilities), she has the Priest standard stuff, most prominently Mind Control and Induce Panic. The latter especially has proven extremely useful on previous missions, giving me a crucial long-range safety valve to neutralize any given enemy for a turn. Aside from plenty of reloads for the PDW, she's packing a Subjugator virus sniper rifle, some medkits, and...another Purifier grenade. I think I'll be needing some of those.

-----------------------------------------

Normally, this would be where I showcase the vehicle they roll with, but given this mission, I wanted three extra soldiers more than a vehicle. To that end, I brought on a trio of fixers from a different squad. First off is the table-setter, Louise Brahim. Packing a Scorpion sniper rifle, Piranha piercing assault rifle, and Enforcer piercing PDW, she does good damage over various ranges.

Her main draw here, however, lies (as it often does) in the Priest's access to unique abilities. In this case, her Judgement head mutation gives her a massive boost to Willpower and gives her access to the Instill Frenzy skill, which bestows the Frenzy buff on all allies within twenty spaces of her upon use. Not only does it give those allies immunity to Panic as long as it lasts, it ups their movement speed by a whopping 50%. While it doesn't affect the user, as a Sniper/Priest, she's well-equipped to compensate with range, and her Agile leg mutation means she's not exactly slow either.

So why is Instill Frenzy so important? Well...

-----------------------------------------

Say hello to the first of my hammers, Micaela Jammeh. This saultry binch was one of my earliest recruits, and she is a classic example of the infamous Terminator build. By exploiting the synergy between the Assault class's Rapid Clearance, the Berserker class's Adrenaline Rush, the Strongman personal skill which grants proficiency with - among other things - a fully-loaded New Jericho Deceptor machine gun, plenty of mobility, and an Armored head mutation to soak up the next-round Daze she'd otherwise get, she is well-set to run all around the map clearing it in one massive kill chain.

This can stall out against groups of tougher enemies that take more than one burst to bring down, but this isn't a character action game, so that's fine. Aside from a full brace of reloads, I also gave her a Shard Gun juuust in case she runs out. Shard Gun isn't exactly bad for damage output either.

Neither is...

-----------------------------------------

...one of our Ms. Brown's earliest compatriots, Omar Ashour. Similar yet distinct from Ms. Jammeh, Mr. Ashour here is an ideal example of what I call the Jedi build. See, Rapid Clearance is, overall, the most broken skill in the game if you can cheat the Action Point cost of whatever massively-damaging weapon you're using. The Terminator does so with Adrenaline Rush, which is Willpower-intensive, but works great anyway. The Jedi build, meantime, does it with a Vengeance bionic torso, which reduces melee attacks' Action Point cost by 1. This, in turn, synergizes with the Scyther, another Legacy of Ancients special and everyone's favorite Pokemon, I'm told.

The only two-handed melee weapon in the game, the Scyther is outlandishly powerful. Already, it's got the highest single-hit damage in the game (300, though the Deceptor can manage 420 on an armorless opponent if all shots hit), and on top of that, it shreds 30 armor and it doesn't strike just a single enemy, but rather attacks in a short-range cone. This not only allows for a bit of fudging for barely-insufficient mobility, it also allows multiple kills with a single attack. Combine this with the Close Quarters Specialist's 20% damage bonus to melee weapons and the Heavy class's Brawler skill adding 50%, and you've got a brutally-effective weapon that can put the fear of it into anything from Scyllas on down. Its only real weakness is the on-death explosions from Venomous and Acid Myrmidons, but Self-Defense Specialist plus a Gorgon Eye PDW means he has some recourse for distance work.

To round out his kit, I included a Legacy of Ancients Rebuke grenade launcher, some reloads for the Gorgon Eye, and a Neurazer paralyzer.

Okay, so that's all settled. Let's go birth a god.

My aircraft of choice for this outing, as shown in the screenshot above and implied by the size of my squad, is the Devilfish, a Masked Manticore and the very same aircraft that I deployed to take down the Pandoran Behemoth on both playthroughs. My squad deployed as usual and rendezvous'd with our special guest.

That's right, the Exalted herself is key to the plan, and necessity means she's not gonna Galadriel this from the shadows. Best part is, she's definitely not dead weight either.

While she lacks direct offensive capability other than Mind Crush, she's basically a dream support. Not only is she Lady Dimitrescu-sized with tentacles, she has a laundry list of Priest skills, some juiced up, like Mind Controlled (the extra "led" stands for Limitations Easily Destroyed, I guess) costing no Action Points. She's not a bad tank either.

With our team assembled, we took to the first corner, stacked up there, and then the squad Frenzied up (unfortunately, large entities like vehicles, Mutogs, and the Exalted do not gain benefits from Frenzy either) and I sent Omar out to get eyes on what we had waiting for us at the gate.

Well, then! There's our welcoming party. Six Arthrons, two Tritons, two Chirons, a Siren, an Acheron, and a Scylla. Notably, two of those Arthrons have the reason I'm bringing Purifier grenades, namely the Tar Shadow ability. Quick refresher, the ability means that if they die by almost anything (notable exception: fire, hence the grenades), an Arthron Umbra will rise from their corpse and get at least one turn of crab-hammering in before we even get to attack it outside of overwatch shots.

Interestingly, last time replaced the Acheron with an extra Chiron and added a Scylla, so maybe I lucked out, or maybe they adjusted the distribution. Either way, they're certainly baring their teeth at us, so how is this going to go?

Yeah. Jedi build is not to be fucked with. All that damage except for anything aimed at the Scylla and some good shots at the Acheron was all thanks to Mr. Ashour's deft scythe-play. He could have probably taken everything out except the Scylla (starting where I put him, I think getting to the Acheron would have been tricky if he had gone for the bottom two Arthrons instead, though) but due to Tar Shadow and those other two Arthrons panicking, I did what work I could with the rest of my team.

Asia Howard leaped up to one of the high ledges to throw out one of her turrets, which put some work in on softening the Scylla up. Milas Johnston did some work on the Acheron, everyone else aimed at the Scylla with whatever they had on hand, and the Scylla's willpower was low enough thanks to Omar's incredibly-demoralizing rampage that the Exalted could force it to Panic as well. That meant a free round where I could finish everyone off.

First order of business, those Tar Shadow Arthrons. They had fled the fire and holed up behind the Chiron corpses, so I threw down a second grenade and popped them with just enough damage to ensure they die in a fire next turn. The other two Arthrons were pretty easy. They just fled behind the pillars where my folks were ready to take them apart. As for the Scylla...

Cake.

That was just the opener, though. Beyond the gate were two Sirens, two Chirons - and unlike the two at the gate, these were explosive mortar types - and our main target: the Yuggothian Receptacle.

Nothing changed from last time. Still a damage sponge, still a ticking clock thanks to Mark of the Void. We had to run the gauntlet and then play whack-a-mole, trying to shoot it from whichever of those shields fails to come up. All the while, reinforcements would be periodically coming up from the pits scattered around. There'll be lots of camping, but it's not a picnic.

This is getting a bit long and I'm running out of attachments for this post, so I'll split this into two parts. Part 2 is here.

[favberrys]

No one asked this and no one cares, but here’s my personal opinions about every glee ship:

Finchel: they had their cute moments, but in general I really dislike them as couple. They brought the worst out of each other when they were together, Finn made Rachel insecure and was also incredibly possessive of her (not in a cute way) and Rachel pressured Finn too much. She wanted to control him and often tried change him, they’re too different and not compatible. I think Rachel needs someone more simalar to her or someone who can understand her, because Finn really didn’t get Rachel.

Klaine: I’m neutral about klaine, I don’t hate them, but simply I’m not invested into this ship. They aren’t toxic, but I think their relationship has many issues and is a little unhealthy sometimes.They had a good start, but as the show went on they got worse. I love Blaine, he’s my gay son, but he was too jealous and controlling about Kurt. Kudos for the gay representation, i acknowledge their huge impact on the lgbt community

Brittana: wow what can I say about them ? They’re everything, best friends to lovers excellence. Brittana had a rough start, but their dynamic became a beautiful and mature relationship in which they always supported and loved each other. Even when they dated other people, Santana and Brittany respected each other. It had and still has a huge importance for the sapphic community, it is good representation and one of the first big teen wlw couples. Brittana are the definition of soulmates

Quick: absolute trash, Puck got Quinn drunk on wine coolers and then had sex with her while she was still drunk. There was nothing consensual about that. The fact that rib never acknowledged this is disgusting. They had very little interactions, their relationship was not developed. Puck and Quinn have literally nothing in common, they’re not compatible in any way and them getting together at the end always irked me because in s3 Quinn said she didn’t care about all the boys she dated in the past. If you ship them idc it’s fine, but I hate this pairing. It’s a huge no from me, I think Puck liked Quinn only because she was hot.

Faberry: THEY’RE MY RIDE OR DIE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE TO ME. Enemies to lovers excellence, I know faberry was queerbaiting, but I still ship them after all these years. They have chemistry, lots of yearning and sexual tension, impossibly high angst level. This is the only pairing in which I will accept the trope “homophobic jock falls in love with the person they bully”. At first they were terrible to each other, but they managed to built a nice relationship and I seriously think Rachel was the only one for Quinn because she was the only person who always showed Quinn love and support even when they were enemies. I also think that Rachel felt something more than platonic for Quinn at some point (always ranting about how beautiful Quinn is ? That’s gay)

St berry: I like them, I know they had little screen time and they weren’t even supposed to be a thing according to rib (bc they planned on making finchel endgame), but I think they’re compatible, Jesse is probably the only person who could keep up with Rachel. They have many things in common and even though he was shitty to her at first, he redeemed himself. Rachel and Jesse have good romantic chemistry and excellent musical chemistry, their duets are amazing. I’m happy they got together in the end.

Pezberry: oh boy they’re so hot together, lots of sexual chemistry, they could have been enemies to friends to lovers excellence or at least friends with benefits, but ryan murphy is a coward. I enjoy their scenes, they’re hilarious together and always make me laugh. I think they’re a pretty explosive duo, pezberry has great musical chemistry, all their duets are iconic and there’s a lot of sexual tension between them, they’re definitely compatible in bed but idk if they would last in a long term relationship.

Quinntana: this pairing was very random in my opinion because Quinn and Santana lowkey hated each other and always wanted to destroy each other, BUT they are very hot together, they’re probably the most gorgeous couple on glee because both dianna and naya are insanely attractive. Quinntana gave me my sapphic!quinn rights and I’ll be forever thankful about that, they’re compatible in bed, but I like them only as friends with benefits. I don’t see any romantic chemistry between them, mostly because they were always competing about who was the hbic of the school. I don’t think they would last as a stable couple. I wanted to see more of quinntana though.

Fabrevans: if Quinn had to end up with a man, the only heterosexual Quinn ship I tolerate is fabrevans because Sam was really kind, sweet and good to her. Sadly she wasn’t very interested in him, he was just the hot new guy soon to become quarterback and I think she dated him for popularity. I don’t think they would have lasted in a long term relationship, they were cute together romantically speaking but I don’t ship them.

Samcedes: should have been endgame, definition of wasted potential

Tike: should have been endgame, even though I don’t care about Mike and Tina they were really good together, the love was genuine. Tike is one of the few heterosexual couple I don’t mind

Artittany: is a huge no from me, they had zero chemistry and he treated her like trash, artie deserved to be cheated on lol (I’m joking no one deserves that but I really don’t like artie because he’s sexist, misogynistic and he also treated all his gfs like crap)

Seblaine: I honestly don’t see it, Sebastian was definitely interested in Blaine, but Blaine always only had eyes for Kurt. Still I think they should have dated in s6, it would have been fun to see Kurt jealous about his nemesis dating his ex bf. I like the idea of Seblaine having a one night stand, but I don’t ship them as a couple. I also don’t like Sebastian very much, sorry.

Fuinn: A HUGE NO, they were aesthetically pleasing together, but that’s it. They didn’t have sexual tension, they just had tension. Fuinn is a little dysfunctional in my opinion, they get together, they break up and then start dating again just like finchel. I honestly don’t think they were in love, but they cared about each other in a platonic way. Finn wasn’t a good boyfriend to Quinn and Quinn constantly manipulated him. I don’t like them as a couple, they’re too messy.

Blam: best friends to lovers excellence, lots of wasted potential. I’m not saying they should have been endgame, but Sam and Blaine should have dated. I like the idea of Sam discovering he’s bi or pan and exploring his sexuality with someone who cares about him. They have chemistry and I like their dynamic. I also fancy their duets and I think they could have fallen in love with each other.

Hevans: ok if I squint I can see it, they had potential, Kurt was definitely attracted to Sam and Sam was kind of curious about him, I’m sure he admires Kurt and cares about him, but I don’t ship them together

Sebtana, Finntana, Pucktana: ABSOLUTE TRASH DON’T SHIP CANON LESBIAN CHARACTERS WITH MEN, IT’S INCREDIBLY HARMFUL AND INVALIDATING. There are so many heterosexual ships, why do you have to take away from the gays the few lgbt characters we have ?

Quinncedes: i don’t ship them romantically, but I ship them as best friends. I wished their friendship was more developed, Quinn and Mercedes were so good to each other.

Quinntina: have they even interacted with each other ? (Lmao I’m joking again don’t get pressed, you can ship what you what). I don’t ship it, they’re cute and I lowkey like Tina, but it’s not my cup of tea. Still it’s a wlw ship, so I don’t have anything against it.

Wemma: no

Artie x Tina: I don’t even know their ship name, imagine how much irrelevant they are to me. Again I don’t like how artie treats women, I don’t ship them and Tina deserves better than him.

Samchel: underrated af, i’m not saying they should have been endgame because they wouldn’t have lasted in a long term relationship, BUT they were cute together. Sam was really good for Rachel, he made her more humble and helped her to heal after Finn died. They deserved more development and had a lot of potential. I don’t remember what happened in s6, but I liked samchel dating, I don’t mind them as a romantic couple, even though they’re not very compatible.

Brochel: it was not as bad as rib tried to make us believe. I don’t ship them but they have sexual/romantic chemistry and also musical chemistry. I’m neutral about Brody and Rachel, he was hot, but he was also incredibly boring and one dimensional

Julyberry: the sexual tension between them is so high, i loved it when they did all that jazz, I think they should have been fuck buddies or had a one night stand. Lots of sexual and musical chemistry, i lowkey ship them bc milf!kate hudson rights. Maybe after Rachel graduates at nyda, they could date

[somuchbetterthanthat]

Tim, ‘in love with the idea of marrying his best friend sasha’ Stoker:

— once made a list of very sensible arguments as to why he and Sasha were clearly made for each other (neglected to write down all the reasons they weren’t, not like that)

—regularly looked at pictures of the both of them and thought they just already looked like the perfect couple. Surely anyone who saw them in that one picture would not be surprised if told they were in love. Right? There is love all over those pictures. There is happiness. (Tim often realized he was looking at himself more than Sasha. Constantly yearning for more of the genuine happy glint in his frozen self’s eyes)

— constructed elaborated movies, stories, books, and AUs of their own lives were he and Sasha were endgame. All the time.

— felt at his happiest and most comfortable around Sasha, like everything was.. right again. Like he could live. (Like it used to be, before. Like it was whenever Danny was home, or trying to get him into another adventure, before ...)

— stared at Sasha when she wasn’t looking, and tried to be sappy in love. Tried hard and hard until inevitably Sasha raised her eyebrows at him and made a weird face and so he answered with a weird face of his own and Martin frowned at them confusedly or Jon rolled his eyes and they laughed and laughed and he forgot all about trying to make his heart beat faster just by looking at her.

— rewrote a few of the key scenes of their story in his head, until that awkward one night stand turned into a first step instead of the odd, quiet, desilusionned, terrifying heart dropping moment it was that night after Sasha fell asleep, and Tim felt empty and clumsy and sad and wondered if she’d still let him make her breakfast in the morning, even if the fantasy was more brilliant than the reality had been

— (and it was so, so much easier, eventually, to fall back on their deep friendship and forget sex and just joke. They weren’t ready, it was fine, it was going to happen! Eventually. Obviously. Tim and Sasha. They were meant to be. In a movie, they’d been excellent leads, obviously one day, they’d get married and —)

— leaned his head over Sasha’s lap, one evening, and said: ‘i’m not in love with you, am I?’ And Sasha hold out her hand and said ‘high five, buddy’ and Tim snorted and high fived her and then hide his face into her stomach and she stroke his hair

And it was perfect as it was

[rosybucky]

No Longer a Man Out of Time

Summary: Steve’s last scene rewritten

Words: 3535

Warnings: none

A/N: this is the second time I’m posting this because tumblr deleted all my text the first time when I tried to edit the tags :))))))) I shamelessly wrote what I wanted Steve’s endgame ending to be like and cried just a little bit. This is also the first fic I’ve posted to tumblr so please roast me gently 

“Go then,” Bucky says, smiling. Steve looks up at him, surprised. He was just talking, just wondering what if. He definitely didn’t expect Bucky to encourage his idea. “Go for the both of us.”

“Bucky,” Steve says, “I can’t.”

“Why not? What you do in the past won’t affect the future.”

“But what about our friends here? What about you?” Steve looks up at Bucky, their eyes meeting.

“I can get by on my own,” Bucky says, trying to sound as genuine as possible. In reality, he doesn’t know that he’ll be okay. Steve is his only lifeline to reality, to who he was before he was nobody.

“That’s the thing,” Steve says, remembering a time when he was younger, so much younger. “You don’t have to.”

Bucky smiles tightly at him, remembering too, a murky image of a downtrodden Steve flickering in the back of his mind.

“I don’t know if I’ll be okay without you,” Steve confesses. Even when he had nothing he had Bucky, in one form or another. The idea of not having him now, permanently, petrifies him. He doesn’t know how to exist without him, never has. They followed each other into war, ended up in the future together for god’s sake and now he’s just going to leave? He can’t.

“Come with me, please. It can be the two of us again, like old times,” Steve pleads.

Bucky looks at Steve, a strange expression on his face, resigned but happy still.

“Steve,” Bucky says in the tone of voice one that he heard so many mothers use to speak to their child that didn’t understand why their father wasn’t coming home from the war. Soft, like he’s trying to soften the blow he knows will be devastating. “I can't go back.”

“Why not,” Steve asks, silver rimming the bottom of his eyes.

“That time, that world, it isn’t for me,” Bucky says, the words burning his throat and tongue like poison as he says them. He doesn’t like to admit that he’s become so far removed from James Barnes that going back would feel like he’s taking over a stranger's life. But it’s the truth. “The man I was, the man my mama and sisters expect me to be, James, that’s not me anymore. I don’t want them to look at me with that disappointment in their eyes when they realize I'm not the Bucky they knew. Christ, Steve,” Bucky continues, confessing the truth that eats him up inside day and night, “I can hardly remember their faces anymore. I can’t be the man they loved, and it would be cruel to waltz back into their life a stranger and expect them to love me just the same.”

“Bucky,” Steve pleads, “I know your mama, she’d take you any way she could have you. Your sisters too.”

“Maybe,” Bucky concedes. As Steve starts to protest, Bucky cuts him off. “But there’s no need for me anymore. You’re not the same scrawny kid that gets into fights he can’t win, you can take care of yourself. You don’t need me anymore,” Bucky says, a melancholy smile forming on his lips.

Steve looks at him, a sorrow in his face that Bucky's only ever seen a handful of times. Once for Steve’s father, another one for his mother. To wipe that expression off of his face Bucky almost tells him he’ll go back too, but he stays quiet. “Is this the end of the line, then?” Steve asks, genuine terror in his voice.

Bucky lets out a short laugh, not mocking just...a little bit amused that those few words still mean so much. “No, never. It’s just a small pause so you can go live the life you deserve, Stevie. With the girl of your dreams and the family you’ve always wanted. A boatload of kids and a white picket fence. A dancing partner that you’ll never have to let go of even when the music ends.”

For so long his only mission was to find Bucky and now that he has him he can’t believe he’s going to let him go so easily. But a part of him, small and yearning, is crying out for a moment of rest, a moment of normalcy between the chaos that has been his entire life. Steve doesn’t think he’s ever had a second to rest since he came back into the world, and now he feels the weight of that all at once. As Steve stares at his hands, wondering if this is really what he wants to do he realizes. What if the world needs him? What if something else, something bigger comes to destroy all those he’s come to love? In that moment, Steve understands what Atlas felt like. But what if he just shrugged?

How can he leave? How can he not? His jaw clenches and unclenches as the debate rages inside him. It’s selfish, it’s absolutely and entirely selfish. And yet...doesn’t he deserve to be? He looks at Bucky’s face, who's looking at him with pleading in his eyes.

Steve nods, smiling. He can see it all now and his heart aches with want. “Okay,” he finally says.

“Okay?” Bucky asks, making sure he heard him correctly. He’s filled with an intense happiness. As if it were his own story that was getting a happy resolution. This is the best way this could have ended and he’s happy that at least one of them can find the peace they deserve.  

“Yeah, okay.”

“Good,” Bucky replies. His voice gets quiet as he says, “And Steve…?”

Steve lifts his head, looking up at Bucky.

“Say hi to my momma for me, will ya? And my sisters too. Tell them…” Bucky países for a second, swallowing the lump in his throat. Their faces are blurry now, faded with the years and the things done to his memory, but he’s always remembered what it was like to be loved unconditionally. And for a brief second he considers changing his mind, going back so he can feel that warmth again. But he can’t. He remembers what it was like to have a family but he doesn’t remember the family itself. Those women, his mom and sisters would be just as foreign to Bucky as he would be to them. And despite his most selfish desires, Bucky can’t bring himself to do that to them, to make them love a stranger.

Bucky takes a shuddering breath, blinking away the tears in his eyes. “Tell then I love them, so much and I never forgot about them. Please, take care of them for me? Drop by every so often, and make sure they're okay?”

Steve nods. “You know I will, Buck. I doubt your mama's gonna let me leave once she realizes I’m back.”

Bucky laughs, remembering how his mom practically adopted Steve once his parents died. He’s sure it’ll be like her own son came back, better even. “Thank you,” he says hoarsely.

“Ready!” they hear Bruce shout from the machine.

Slowly they look back at him, as if they’re both just realizing that this is the end.

Together they toward the machine where Sam and Bruce are waiting. Bucky watches as Steve tells Bruce he’s ready to go.

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone,” Steve says walking back to him, a small grin crossing his face.

“How can I,” Bucky asks, remembering the words from what feels like a thousand years ago. “You’re taking all the stupid with you.” And yet even now, they feel familiar. Steve feels familiar. Different of course, they’re both different now, but as Steve embraces him, Bucky swears he can feel the prominent ribs and gangly arms of the kid in Brooklyn too proud to run from a fight.

Bucky watches as Steve steps into the platform, getting ready to go back. “I’ll miss you, buddy,” he tells him.

Steve looks at him, a glint in his eye, sorrow. Then a sad smile crosses his face and he’s gone.

A few seconds pass and Bucky waits with bated breath.

“Where is he?” Sam asks, looking to Bruce.

“I don’t know, he flew past his entrance,” Bruce explains as he presses buttons and flips switches on his panel.

Bucky looks around, having heard the sound of a body landing on wood a few seconds ago, too quiet for Bruce or Sam to pick up. His eyes land on the figure sitting on a bench, facing away from them.

“Guys.”  

Both men turn to look at Bucky then at Steve. Sam hurries over to him and they speak. It’s quick and before long Sam comes back and begins taking to Bruce.

As Bucky approaches his confusion grows. He can see that Steve’s hair is still a shade of dirty blonde, his shoulders still broad and powerful, albeit sagging forward as Steve rests his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands together. He looks the same.

“Stevie?” Bucky asks quietly, gently.

When Steve turns to look at him Bucky suddenly understands it all. Steve looks the same, but he’s different, changed. There’s a look in his eyes, that Bucky recognizes instantly because he’s seen it in his own face so many times. Steve looks weary for all the world. To anyone else, to Sam and Bruce, he looks identical. But Bucky recognizes the bags under his eyes, the haunted look that's taken residence in the depths of those baby blues. He sits down on the bench, one knee sticking out far enough to touch Steve’s. A simple point of contact, a way to let Steve know that Bucky's here with him.  

“I went back,” Steve says.

Bucky turns to look at Steve, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “And?”

“I went back,” Steve repeats. His hands tighten. “And I found her. I went to the dance hall right on time. And we danced all night. I explained to her what I could, about the stones, about the future, all of it. She understood most of it of course,” Steve chuckles, “She was always so brilliant, of course she understood it. I told her I would love to be her dance partner, if she’d still have me. She said if she said no there was a line of about a thousand girls willing to say yes.”

Bucky smiles, knowing how women used to fawn over Steve once they realized he was Captain America, and sometimes before.

“She said yes. And I tried, Bucky I really tried. To enjoy that life, that time, but I couldn’t. I tried to make it work with Peggy, tried to get a job as a firefighter.”

“Even then, you couldn’t stop helping people,” Bucky notes.

Steve chuckles, “I knew you’d get a kick out of that.” He’s quite for a second before saying, “I also went to see your mom. She’s the one that gave me the idea.”

Bucky’s breath catches in his throat.

“I tried to explain to her too, but I couldn’t explain all of it. You understand.”

Bucky nods, thankful that Steve spared her the painful details.

“She told me she’d accept you in any way, but she ‘knew her stubborn Jaime’ and that if you didn’t come back then it was for the best.”

A sob rips free of Bucky’s mouth against his will. It burns like fire, clawing its way out of his throat and into the world. He had completely forgotten that his mom called him that. That she was the only person who had ever called him that.

Steve looks at him, eyes gleaming too. “She told me to give you this.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out two small squares. He holds them out and Bucky takes them with trembling fingers. It’s two pictures that pierce straight into his soul. One is of his family. His mom and sisters all together, so vibrant and full of life. Big grins outlined in lipstick and hair pinned back in a style Bucky remembers took eons to perfect. The other is of him and Steve. Scrawny, skinny, lanky Steve next to Bucky.

“That second one-” Steve says, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t show it to anyone else. It kind of ruins the illusion.”

Bucky barks a laugh, surprised and infinitely amused. Bucky runs his fingers over the faces of the women. Distant memories shove their way into the forefront of his consciousness, reclaiming their place in his mind. He takes the pictures and puts them into his pocket, still running his fingers along them unconsciously. He looks at Steve, waiting for the rest.

Steve turns somber again as he continues talking. “But every night when I’d go home I knew couldn’t stop thinking about the future. About everything that would come to happen regardless of how much I tried to stop it. I tried to work, to live that life, to fall in love. And...I couldn’t. I couldn’t just ignore all those people that would need my help.” Steve pauses for a second. “You know, when they pulled me out of the ice they called me the man out of time. They told me the world had moved on without me...I never imagined that I might have also moved on without it.”

To go back to everything he’s wanted for a century, only find that he no longer wanted it, Bucky doesn’t even want to imagine what that feels like.

“That world, that time...it wasn’t for me. Peggy knew it too,” Steve laughs softly, “I went home one day and she had the suit sitting on the couch. She told me that I wasn’t meant to be there, that my time was here, now. She said that all she wanted was for me to be happy and she could see that there, with her, I wasn’t, not really. Not like I thought I would be. So, I said goodbye to everyone, went out with Peggy for one last dance, and came back.” Steve wipes his eyes, his breathing ragged. Everything, he feels like he just lost everything all over again. He swallows roughly, the lump in this throat searing as it is pushed back down his esophagus.

Bucky sits next to him in silence, the weight of a century lingering around them.

“I saw it,” Steve says after a long minute. His voice is raw and pained.

Bucky turns to look at him, one eyebrow raised. “Saw what?”

“What it would have been like for another Steve Rogers, one who didn’t go in the ice. Some small mercy I suppose from whatever power the stones had. Steve marries Peggy and has a boatload of kids, names his first one James.”

Bucky’s eyes shine as he looks at Steve.

“You were there too,” Steve continues.

“Was I happy?” Bucky’s voice is ragged now too, thick with emotion.

“Absolutely,” Steve says, his lips moving up in a tragic smile. “You had a heap of kids too, troublemakers with bright blue eyes, all of them your splitting image.”

Bucky releases a breath, a choked sob following it. He wills his lip to stay firm and mourns.  

“But it wasn’t us,” Steve says, “Not really. It was a different Steve and a different Bucky. It was what could have been.” What we deserved, Steve thinks but doesn’t say. Why add more kindling to the fire fueled by their losses?

“Well,” Bucky says, trying to find the small glimmer of hope in this shit show they call a life, “whatever universe that James Barnes exists in, I hope he’s always happy.”

“Yeah,” Steve says, “Me too.”

They both look out toward the water, trying to imagine themselves in that other universe. The weight of their sacrifices hangs heavy between them, a more deafening silence than that of a grave falling over them.

“What’ll you do now?”  Bucky finally asks.

“I don’t know,” Steve answers honestly. “I-I don’t know,” Steve tried again and fails. For the first time in his life he has time, he can go anywhere, do anything, and it’s suffocating. “When I was back in time I was so grateful because I could finally be just Steve Rogers. But...I didn’t know who he was anymore. I’ve spent so long in the suit, carrying that shield, that it became who I am. Even when I was back in time, with everything I’d ever wanted sitting in front of me, all I could think of was that shield sitting in my attic, waiting to be used. But if I’m in the suit, them I can’t be Steve. And I want to be. I want to get to know Steve Rogers again.”

Bucky looks at his friends, eyes soft. He knows what that’s like, wanting to get to know this person whose name you share. He felt like a stranger in his own skin for decades and some days he still does, but he’s grateful to have had the time to get to this place. He desperately wants that for his best friend too.

“I had a support group you know,” Steve tells Bucky, pride in his voice. “We meet every week, just a couple of us, talk about how to move on after everything changed.” Steve smiles. “I think I needed it as much as they did.”

“Why don’t you keep it going then?” Bucky asks, “They probably need you more than ever now.”

“I can’t,” Steve tells him, his own frustration growing. “I’ll be too busy trying to stop the next threat, I’ll always be too busy.” Bucky watches his friend’s shoulders slump forward once more.

“I don’t want to be Captain America again, not ever,” Steve confesses. Just saying it makes him fill with disgust. This gift he was given, this power that no other person has had or will ever have again, he should love it, appreciate it, be on his knees giving thanks for having been blessed with it. It saved his life, more than once. “But leaving the world without him, I don’t think I could do that either.”

“What if you didn’t have to?” Bucky says.

Steve’s eyebrows knit together, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Bucky says, unzipping the shield from the bag it’s carried in. Steve averts his eyes and the familiar red and white stripes come into view. Bucky looks at it, his confidence in this idea growing. “Like you said, it’s just a suit, a shield. Anyone can wear it. What if you gave it away, passed the torch?”

“To who? To you?” Steve asks, his face uncertain.

Bucky laughs, “No, god no, Stevie. I’m pretty sure you can’t be America’s golden boy when you’ve done even half the things I have.”

Steve lets out a soft laugh, “No, I suppose you can’t. Who then?”

Bucky turns to look behind them both. Sam and Bruce as talking about something, the former making the latter roar with laughter. When Steve looks back at Bucky there’s hope in his eyes. As Steve watches Sam he feels his breaths come easier. Yes. This he can do.

“Ok,” Steve says, smiling so brightly Bucky’s sure his face must hurt. Bucky returns it, feeling the same way that he did anytime he helped Steve in back alley scraps. Like he’s finally done his job and protected him. “And who knows,” Steve says, “Maybe one day I’ll go back. When the serum has run its course and I’m ready to live one final lifetime. Once I’m too old and gray to be of any help here and the fate of the world doesn’t depend on me anymore.”

“I sure hope so, Stevie.” Bucky says, although he knows Steve won’t. Steve will fight until his very last day, until the last breath leaves his lungs. It’s what made him worthy, what made him a good man. Bucky knows and Steve knows it too, but neither of them say anything. Let them bask in this fantasy for just one moment. They know their only respite from the fate of the world, universe now, will come once they’re well and truly gone, buried under the earth they tried so hard to save. They only time they’ll get to stop and smell the roses will be once they can see their families again, in whatever world comes after this one.

Steve turns back to Sam, watching as Bruce explains something to him and Sam tries his hardest to act like he understands any of the science Bruce is talking about. Steve laughs and Bucky turns to see what he’s looking at, then laughs too.

“Why don’t you go grab him for me?” Steve asks Bucky, “Before Bruce realizes that Sam has no idea what he’s been saying for the last ten minutes.”

“Glad to,” Bucky answers, hauling himself up. He’s been on the receiving end of Bruce’s science talks before and knows what it’s like. The man is brilliant but often forgets that not everyone else is too. “Hey, Sam!” Bucky calls out once he’s close enough.

Sam looks at Bucky gratefully. “Yeah?”

“Old man wants to see you,” Bucky says, lifting his hand over his shoulder and pointing a thumb at Steve. “Has something he wants to ask you.”