#I still don't think this role in particular is my forever job because it's so hectic all day

[andisupreme]

I know this goes against the Customer Service Canon but after three years of mostly being at home alone due to unemployment, I actually feel like it's been doing me some good being in my new customer service role where I have to be nice to people and act out being in a good mood. You know that rule about how faking a smile still releases the happy hormones? Feels kind of like that.

Like don't get me wrong, I'm still an introvert by nature so I'm exhausted when I get home. And I still get fussed at by angry patients sometimes, I still get rude people. It's not a walk in the park. But even when I wasn't working, I still ran into assholes everywhere that could ruin my day. Meanwhile being in a job where I have to interact with people and be helpful no matter what has led to me having a lot more positive interactions in a day than I've had in years. I get people expressing gratitude to me. I get to actually feel like I'm making a difference in someone's day and that I'm needed. Really feeling the pack animal dopamine that I've been deficient in for years that just isn't possible to get through the internet.

[digoload]

the paladin line up!!! (click for better quality)

This is a part of my voltron AU that I already did a bit of art on this here. i'll probably update my foolish design at some other time but there he is for now.

Under the cut -- my reasons for these particular characters, plus some sketched story ideas i had for them/their backstories prior to canon.

(also, yes - qtubbo tucks his jeans into his socks)

Green Paladin - Tubbo. He's green already, fantastic. Also, a nerd like Pidge and naturally curious. I considered other Create-oriented QSMPers for green lion but I think Tubbo fits the best!

Yellow Paladin - Missa. For a while I was gonna make Forever the yellow or blue paladin, but then I realised the whole cast would be wayyyyy too zany or weird. We needed a sturdy, relatable character. Someone who was scared. Someone who didn't really want to be there. Someone who would have an unlikely romance with a menacing purple rebellion-leader alien in space. I knew Missa was perfect for the job.

Blue Paladin - Etoiles. We don't know the specific qualifications for someone to be the blue paladin (thanks Lance), but there are some clear similarities between Lance and Blaytz (I know Allura doesn't really fit with the pattern towards the end of the series, but work with me here), so I sort of made up my own requirements. 1. screams with joy when they get to pilot their lion. 2. dogboy. 3. ready to throw down. (season 1 allura fits all 3 of these, but arguably not really towards s6-7-8). I kinda relate him most to Blaytz out of all the blue paladins.

Red Paladin - Roier. You KNOW it had to be Roier. Who else. Literally who else. The man is red. Ready to throw down. Trusts his instincts. Angsty backstory. Right-hand to the guy who takes the lead in most situations. Also, just in general, I have a vivid vision of qroier in the red lion's cockpit. He could totally pull it off.

Black Paladin - Cellbit. The other characters I considered for this role were bbh and philza, but in the end I liked them more with having alien roles mainly due to their backstories (BBH as an immortal soul-guide demon and Philza as an avian). I just think that Cellbit would fit this role better. He already sort of heads the Order, is associated with the colour black as well. But most of all. I think there's a lot of potential for an angst arc where he goes off on his own for some dumb self sacrificial reason I guess, or maybe because of his extremeee trust issues, and neglects his leader duties because of this. and then there's a whole lesson learned kind of thing, maybe roier brings him back, etc.

Now for some backstories:

I think Tubbo would follow Pidge's backstory and motives pretty closely, given his penchant for breaking into the federation offices and snooping around (very Pidge-like behaviour). The thing I struggled with was getting someone to be kidnapped by space aliens that Tubbo cared enough about to go searching for. I already have plans for Fred, Phil, and the eggs, and they're the main things that drive qtubbo. Also, ideally, they'd have to be somewhat older than Tubbo in order to be on the Kerberos mission in the first place. For a while, I thought about somehow having Tubbo and Pierre being connected, but they're not super close in canon, even if he would make an Excellent Sam Holt.

BUT THEN I REMEMBERED: MORNING CREW. ITS PERFECT. I don't think they'd be directly related, but Pac as Matt Holt just works so well. I think Fit and Ramon would be rebel fighters that free Pac from the Galra and they sort of fall in love that way, but Mike was on the Kerberos mission too and is still missing, and that's Pac's main motivation.

So I think the best people for the Kerberos mission crew would be Pac (technician), Mike (engineer), and Cellbit (pilot). Cellbit obviously takes Shiro's role (sans robot arm, that's Etoiles' duty later on - this AU would divert from VLD canon pretty early on). Roier never gives up on Cellbit, just like Tubbo never gives up on Pac (and Mike). Except unlike Tubbo, who has to purposely get enrolled at the Garrison as a cadet in order to get intel, Roier is already graduate from the same class as Cellbit. He KNOWS there's a coverup of some kind, but he has no way of proving it. Fortunately, an old upperclassman/ex-tutor believes in him enough that he believes in Cellbit too, and together they get to work on figuring out this mystery. When an alien pod crash lands, they know they've got to get a closer look.

Missa is an unfortunate decontamination unit first-responder who gets in the way. They can't just leave him behind to sound the alarm - he has to come with them while they rescue Cellbit! Unbeknownst to them, Tubbo has already taken out the alarms and is also on his way over. Miraculously, they all escape with their lives, and magic space lion adventures ensue.

I feel like none of them would really have any time to change into casual clothing, so they're all in uniform. Cellbit would probably still be in prisoner clothing but tbh I just didn't think of that lol. Also, I wanted to draw him in a garrison uniform that wasn't detox or combat oriented. There are so many cool garrison uniform designs out there so drawing the same one twice was kinda soul crushing lol. cant wait to show you guys their individual character sheets!!

[viviennes-tears]

Little Tease (Tom Hiddleston, Tom Holland, Sebastian Stan & X reader One shot)

18+ blog: It is YOUR responsibility, as a reader, to think about the content that you consume at your own discretion.  ~

A/N: Hello all you wonderful people! 

It's been forever since I last updated and I apologise profusely for my absence. I won't ramble on here about it, as there's a full explanation on my profile about my lack of updates, and an announcement too for you to check out. However I am hoping the following updates have been worth the extended wait.

Also thank you to Florence_Nightwing for sending me another prompt from back in October and for waiting extremely patiently for me to write this. I will say I got into a flow which then took a turn and I hope it worked out well. It was certainly fun to write and a great way to come back 😊 x

(This is now the last of the October 2023 prompts and prompts are still currently closed.)

Prompt requested by Florence_Nightwing on AO3: If your not too inundated, can you please do another like this? Tom and Sebastian go to the costume trailer to see Tom Holland in just his Spiderman thong for the female costume assistant he fancies. They decide to be annoying big brothers and tease him in front of her even going as far as to give him a wedge and ask her how she likes his butt cheeks, and they play with them. Something goofy like that, please.

Summary: You are working on a Marvel set as an assistant in the costume department. You've worked on all the solo Tom Holland (your crush) SpiderMan movies previously working on this movie set. You've always enjoyed the working environment and those who you've worked with, however this one particular day onset was one you weren't expecting, which ended up involving Tom, Tom Hiddleston and Sebastian Stan. Along the way you gain a new self-discovery. 

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"I'm sorry I keep causing you extra work all the time." Tom says, while rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Nonsense, Tom, you know it's my job to do repairs and assist on costume designs." You assured him, as you prepare to fix his Spidey suit for the thousandth time whilst working on this movie alone. 

Actually you've been lucky enough to be a costume assistant on all the solo SpiderMan movies since Tom took on the role, however this is the first time you've worked on any of the other Marvel projects, because usually when they asked for you to come back you had to decline, due to other work obligations. Although you made sure for all the solo SpiderMan movies that you were available to work, partly because you enjoyed those who you worked with, and partly because of your crush on Tom. Not that he knows you have feelings for him, nor have you noticed he has a crush on you too, despite it being so obvious to everyone else.

Once you had set everything ready you helped unzip him out of his suit, before he carefully pulled the suit down and off in order to not cause any further damage, albeit neither of you are aware of being watched during this short interaction. At least not until...

"Well, well, well Thomas...have we been careless again?" Sebastian says playfully, as he himself and Hiddleston emerge from their hiding spot from around the corner, each of them carrying their own costumes in their arms. Holland instantly sighs and rolls his eyes at the older men as they approach while you try to hide your amusement.

"Come now, Seb, don't embarrass the boy in front of the lovely lady." Hiddleston says flirtatiously, taking your hand and kissing it, purposely to annoy Holland and make you blush as you often did whenever he put on the charm.

"Aren't you two done for the day?" Tom asks slightly frustratedly, as Hiddleston winks at you and lets your hand go.

"We are indeed." Hiddleston replies, taking Sebastian's costume from him and hanging both of their costumes onto the correct standing rack.

"But there's no rush to be anywhere...besides we've not had much chance to catch up yet." Sebastian adds with a sly smile on his lips as he eyes Holland up and down. Clearly he is calculating his next move, making Holland a bit nervous, as for yourself you've somewhat recovered from Tom's charming act a moment ago.

Hiddleston suddenly appears behind Holland without him noticing until he feels the older man's big hands on his shoulders, causing him to flitch slightly, and then breath out when he turns his head to see who it was. "Relax, Tom." Hiddleston chuckles before he begins massaging his bare shoulders.

"Yeah, just us here..." Sebastian adds, his eyes darkening with mischief intent and Tom assumed Hiddleston looked the same way, they usually do when the teasing is going to take a turn that he can never quite predict what will come of it.

You cleared your throat shortly after Sebastian said that and then you began to assess the full extent of the damage to Tom's Spidey suit over by your workbench. Holland gulped as he felt Hiddleston’s hands gently trail down his back, before the slight squeeze on his hips. The way Tom squirmed distracted you and made you look between the men confused by the silent looks between each of them.

"What?" You asked with furrowed eyebrows, abandoning the Spidey suit on your workbench.

"What do you think of Thomas here?" Sebastian asks out of the blue, stunning you from the unexpected question. Sebastian's smirk reappears as he pulls Tom closer to him, making him face you while he drapes his arm around Tom's neck, and his hand resting on his bare chest. Tom stands there awkwardly, and he knows if he tries to move away it would be a futile attempt, meaning Sebastian will make it worse for him if he tries.

"Well...I-I think he's a great guy. Never difficult to work with nor does he cause any drama like some people can on sets." You replied, choosing these words as a safe way to answer the question. "Want more than that, love." Hiddleston says in a low seductive voice close to you, his scent invading your senses too. He did it on purpose again, getting you to blush and for Holland to feel annoyed he's flirting with you once more.

"You can't say you're not attracted to him right now...I mean look at this face." Sebastian teases as he pinches Holland's cheeks together with his free hand, the other still resting on his bare chest, his actions causing Tom to get a little flustered now he's worked out their intentions. Even if he hasn't worked out how far they will go.

You struggle to find words to divert from divulging your true feelings for Tom, but the blush on your cheeks was evident enough for them anyway, not that either Sebastian or Hiddleston would mention they've known for a long time already. Despite your inability to defend yourself it didn't falter the older men from teasing the pair of you further.

"He's quite the catch, no?" Hiddleston asks, his fingers brushing against your exposed arms due to the short sleeves you have on today, the feather-like touch forming goosebumps on your arms. 

"What's not to like? He's young, good looking and sweet as you girls like to say." Sebastian continued, letting go of Holland's cheeks, but the hand which had been resting on his chest no longer stayed still. Instead his fingers started to circulate around Tom's left nipple slowly and gently. The sensation caused Tom's nipple to react and form a tweak-able point, much to his annoyance Sebastian took advantage, rolling the peak of his nipple between his fingers. Your eyes widened slightly, this wasn't at all where you imagined this conversation to go at all, of course your reaction amused the older men to no end.

"What more could you ask for, darling?" Hiddleston adds, as he moves over to the guys, his fingers gone yet left a tingling sensation in their wake.

"Alright, alright guys, I think Y/N is getting uncomfortable now." Tom says with nervous laughter and pleading eyes. It's clear he's trying to hide something from you, you just can't work out what, at least not yet.

Sebastian mockingly ponders for a few seconds before saying, "no, I think we're getting somewhere with this. Right, Tommy?"

"Right." Hiddleston agrees, wrapping his arm around Holland's waist, Sebastian's still around his neck. "We're only helping out the little guy." Hiddleston adds playfully, both he and Sebastian chuckle simultaneously. Holland sighs exasperatedly, you're speechless, this being the strangest interaction you've had with any of them.

"Come on, Thomas, lighten up." Sebastian says, his hand trailing down Tom's back down to his ass, squeezing his bare ass cheek firmly. Holland's eyes widened in surprise as he jumped a little at the same time. "Do you like his ass, Doll?" Sebastian asks, a darker look appearing in his eyes as he stares at Holland.

"I-I er..." You stuttered, your cheeks flushing again at another risque question, Tom's cheeks just as red too.

"I think you just need a memory refresher." Sebastian says, his fingers wrapping around the thin waistband of Tom's thong, then tugging at them swiftly and yanking them upwards. Tom lets out a little unexpected yelp as his balls were being strung up. His lips then press into a firm thin line as Sebastian man handles him with his free hand, Hiddleston's arm falling from his waist, his butt then on full display to you now he's been made to turn around. "Mhm...peachy." Sebastian adds, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

A few seconds later Sebastian man handles Tom again, he stumbles as Sebastian forces him to walk over to the workbench, he frees up some space, shoving things aside including the Spidey suit to one side too. Followed by Sebastian standing to the side while pressing Tom forwards against the workbench, forcing him face down, his hand pressing down on his back with his fingers splayed out to keep him in place. Hiddleston starts smirking in his signature Loki way, his eyes darkening now too to match Sebastian's own, he also continues to crotch down on the other side of Holland, spanking his ass hard and Holland yelps again. Your jaw drops instantly, realising they must have a much closer relationship than anyone knew about, plus the more you witness their behaviour the more you realised you're now somehow involved too.

"He likes a good spanking." Hiddleston seemed to have a look about him that made you realise he really wasn't joking, despite his tone sounded like he was. The next thing you knew was Hiddleston grabbing hold of your wrist, gently pulling you closer, as Holland peered over his shoulder shyly with brightly flushed cheeks. "Give it a try, love." Hiddleston encourages, his thumb gently rubbing over your skin and you feel another tingling sensation from his touch.

The older men see you're hesitant, you have every right to be though, after all you've never spanked anyone before. Sebastian and Hiddleston give each other an exchange of looks in agreement, leading to Hiddleston easing your hand towards Holland's butt, before getting you to cup his bare ass cheek in your palm. You all hear the loud gulp from Holland and you feel his ass clenching beneath your touch. Followed by you taking a shaky breath out of nervousness, albeit your fingers soon twitch, feeling the warmth of Holland's ass in your hand and Hiddleston's fingers lightly caressing the back of your hand. This lasts for a long moment before Hiddleston leads your hand away and back again, a light tap on Holland's ass on re-entry, he's easing you into the idea of spanking. All the while Sebastian watched Hiddleston teach you how to spank someone the right way to bring pleasure. Of course he was delighted by the sight and absentmindedly caressed Holland's body.

Every touch and sensation was affecting Tom, his breathing becoming more shaky and low, his cheeks still bright red, while his fists kept clenching and unclenching. Although the long awaited anticipation eventually arrived, after the small little practice goes your hand thwacked against his ass hard, a low moan escaping Tom's lips upon impact while you felt the way his flesh had a slight heat to it already.

Hiddleston rose up to his full height shortly thereafter, leaning in closer towards you, his scent assaulting your senses again due to the closeness. "Again, darling." Hiddleston whispered lowly, his lips brushed against the shell of your ear, causing your lips to part slightly to allow a tiny puff of air to escape. A smirk appeared on his lips like before as his fingers wrapped around your wrist once more. "Again." He repeats.

You look toward Sebastian who nods approvingly and bites his lower lip. By this point however it's like these men have gotten under your skin like you never imagined they could, yet somehow they had accomplished to do so. On the other hand it was all rather arousing too, once you had become acquainted with the situation you found yourself in, a situation which would be engraved into your memory for sure.

As you prepared to give Tom another good smack he peered over his shoulder at you again. His eyes seem to be staring into your soul, not like he's begging for you to stop, in fact you see the opposite and you know he wants more. There have been many times where you pictured Tom during the throes of pleasure, however never in your wildest dreams had you pictured him like being dominated. That look did give you reassurance about doing this and you went for it this time. This time you spanked Tom's butt repeatedly in a rapid quick session, the older men not able to take their eyes off the scene before them, while Tom moaned and yelped in pleasure. 

"Enough." Sebastian suddenly cuts you off mid action after a few consecutive slaps. You do as you're told and watch Sebastian help Tom to stand up properly again. His hand massaging Tom's butt, earning a low grunt from Tom, both older men chuckled.

"Not bad, love." Hiddleston praises and places a kiss upon your reddened cheek. Getting their approval actually felt nice, but you also had a feeling you've definitely delved into something with the three of them now. 

In the end you found it wasn't as far-fetched as it may have first sounded, because within the next hour an hour you found yourself in Hiddleston's trailer with the three of them, naked. Your seemingly normal day working on set turned into an afternoon delight partaking in a foursome. A foursome with even more kinky antics and you being fucked in every hole at the same time. Your body got used and over simulated in the most pleasurable way by the end. Along the way discovering a new side of yourself, a side of yourself you wanted to continue to explore, the exploration you knew would only ever be satisfied with these three beautiful men.

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Source: @viviennes-tears

[archersgoon]

the thing about bartolina dying is that it did doom finnikin to be a freak about women but i don't think it's just due to the lack of her presence i think there's several other factors. because bartolina dying fucked everyone up forever. (see the rock & in particular celestina jr.'s response to jasmina.) like finnikin wasn't lacking for female role models in his early life he spent a lottt of time on the rock & his only named family members are the celestinas. but i think it's possible they were a little um. permissive with bartolina's son. in a way they might not have been if bartolina herself had been around.

i guess there's abian. but i don't think she was as present as she would've needed to be to offset the rock-nexus/king's guard (u know many of them were on some insane shit re women) split finnikin grew up with. because she was there when he was a newborn but she was speedrunning her relationship with august, so i think she would;ve been like. moving away & then busy, esp. w/ celie (celie disabling childhood illness truthers rise up), so she (& august) were a lot more distant than they may have originally planned (& trevanion (and maybe bartolina depending on what you think her rship w/ abian was like) may have wanted them to be). like you can see he doesn't really engage with them post-curse (pre-canon) & pre-curse it mostly seems to be a matter of "well august's my dad's friend, i guess i can play with his weird fucking kid. oh & abian's here too". so you end up with a finnikin who only really recognises his father & the guard as like. real guys with a life outside of him. & then post-curse obviously we know what sir topher's like. i'm going to be honest here guys i don't think he did a good job with the deeper-level stuff but i've lost my thread with this so i'll move on

like i think a good contrast here is lucian. bc he still has misogyny problems but they're much more in keeping with what seems to be like, standard in-universe. bc 1. he presumably still remembers his mother to some extent. 2. his life pre-canon was a lot more stable (i think saro -- and presumably his wife -- being a couple decades older than trevanion & having well-established job descriptions is a major factor in this) even post-curse the monts stayed sedentary & together. 3. he doesn't have being bartolina's son hanging over his head, but he does have many many female relatives both willing and able to say can you be serious for five fucking minutes you miserable worm. jesus fucking christ. any time he says something particularly egregious

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

Hi there, Laura! Hope you are doing well and enjoying the holiday season. You don't have answer this ask, but after reading your thoughts on the new chapter, I just wanted to share that you're not alone in feeling frustrated with the BC manga right now. I have certainly been feeling the same way myself. I actually took a break from it for a while earlier this year (still kept up with the spoilers & such but didn't read week to week) partially due to my poor health and mostly because I was feeling frustrated & hoping it would keep my attention better if/when the pacing evened out. Unfortunately, the pacing issues seem to be persisting. Being a bit of a hobbyist writer myself I recognize that it can be very difficult to keep a consistent pace throughout a story especially a very long one so I try to be forgiving of that in works, especially when they are ongoing & published serially (like a manga). I think in this particular case there is just a big contrast between the pacing of previous arcs (i.e. Elf Reincarnation) and this one, and the added pressure of it being the final arc which draws more attention to the pacing here.

I liked what you said in an answer to another ask about how not every series can have "ups" all the time. I absolutely agree and would even go so far as to say that one of the things that was so special about BC and what I loved about it so much was how Tabata filled those downtimes and slower paced moments with really compelling characters & their dynamics with one another. And that's really what I feel I have been missing from the series lately. It sometimes feels like it's moving so quickly that all of these wonderful characters and storylines I came to love as the story unfolded have had to be pushed aside in favor of these epic battle sequences. They're great, of course, but it's not really why I've connected with this story and stuck with it for so long. But I realize that the target audience (at least) is probably connecting with this series for the epic adventure story and battle sequences. My cousin (who recommended BC to me in the first place), for instance, is 100% there for the epic battle sequences and doesn't care all that much about the character development and the little side people (i.e. he's been into BC far longer than I have and I've had to remind him multiple times who Langris even is lol. Needless to say, he'd be shocked to know I've written thousands upon thousands of words just about him and very few words about any battles). I love my cousin & will forever be grateful that he introduced me to such an incredible story that we both adore, but there is no denying that we love it for completely different reasons. And after reading what you shared about your frustrations, I wondered if perhaps you are a little more like me and missing those smaller character interactions and worrying that all these wonderful characters (whether with big roles or small roles in the story) that made BC so special will get their arcs wrapped up in a satisfying way.

When a story starts to move this quickly from one fight sequence to the next in the final battle, it can start to feel like all the characters' intrapersonal conflicts are just getting swept up into the fray, and for a story like BC that always did such an incredible job of giving *every* character their own arc, motivations, and really their own "moment"--it can feel a bit worrying, disappointing, and, yes, frustrating to feel like they aren't getting their moments when they really matter and when it's their last chance to get them. Yes, this is the end of the story of Black Clover but what's so special about the story of Black Clover is that it's not only Asta's story or Yuno's story...it's *everyone's* story. There are B-plots, C-plots, D-plots, all the way to Z-plots. Each and every one of these subplots--these stories and the characters they affect--deserves an ending, and I think there is frustration that sets in in knowing that unless the pacing of the story as it is now drastically changes there will not be room for closure for all (and possibly even most) of these subplots and supporting characters that we've come to know, love, & appreciate.

All of that said, it's still a work in progress. I don't pretend to know what Tabata has planned & I'll reserve judgment until the end. Truthfully, no matter how it ends I will be forever grateful for a wonderful story & amazing characters that I really connected with. I personally don't feel that what has been written is bad, but I will admit constructively that I do feel a little disappointed and am finding it harder to keep my interest with it as time goes on. To me, with these rushed battle sequences, it's almost like it's losing some of that magic (no pun intended) that made it special and different from every other battle epic shounen. I believe that in what it set out to do as a battle epic, it has succeeded and continues to succeed even now as it nears its conclusion, but it went above & beyond that in what it did with its characters and that's where it feels to be falling a little short recently. But again, I'll admit, I think that has more to do with the fact I'm the oddball that was never really there for the battles in the first place, so I'm not sure I can really speak to the "good" or "bad" of the writing, since in a way I feel like it's not being written for *me* because I'm not the target audience, if that makes sense?

I was curious of your thoughts on this (and hope my ramblings weren't too incoherent) so I thought I'd send an ask in case you wanted to weigh in. But please don't feel obligated. Thank you & Cheers, dear!! 💖

Hiya Acacia! I hope that you're well too!!

Tbh, I hadn't thought about BC being a "battle anime" per se, because though there were a lot of battles in the beginning, it was well balanced with the prose, and the battles advanced the plot. (Granted that the battles do advance the plot as well, but they feel relatively meaningless if there's no connection from the reader to the story itself on an emotional level. In my opinion) But we have very similar thoughts about the issue with pacing indeed. To me, it almost feels like Tabs deemed all the necessary characterization to be done, and now he'll just cut to the chase and "hack & slash". Or then, like any writer, he has scenes where he just really wants to get to. And the pacing suffers because of it.

If it was just a few chapters of battles, like... let's say 5 in a row in between some proper character interactions and story arcs where we can learn about the world and the lore, then I wouldn't mind. But because it feels like we've gotten a year of nothing but battle battle battle, it got to me. Luckily there's fanfic and other lil' projects in the meantime to keep one entertained.

I also didn't think about what exactly is the target audience here, because the story started as more character and story centric with some battle here and there, I probably thought the story to be targeted to people who enjoy action and adventure, which would include more than just fights.

But also, maybe this is like the Royal Knights arc (which I forget half the time). That was also very battle centric, but it was building up to something more.

Now, I was lucky enough to be able to fast forward the Royal Knights arc, by going as far as to skip some episodes because it didn't appeal to me and seemed to have minimal contribution to the plot as a whole in my opinion, but now I'm experiencing it in real time so to say.

This doesn't mean that I would dislike BC. I'm not going to say that "because of this BC is bad", because it's not. It's going through a slow season.

I certainly can't blame you for taking a break. I'm on a semi-break myself due to ... well, school. I might have a little more time next semester, but I can't say for sure, because the courses of next semester are supposed to be the toughest ones during the first 4 years. So, I'll be around, but probably not as vocal. And I suppose I'll feel less like I'd need to stay on top of the plot on a weekly basis, because Tabs has moved to the once every 6 months type of an arrangement.

And there has to be more than 2 chapters still to come

Source

These don't even include chapter 369's MagLuck VS. Lucius clone

This short text gives hope of at least 5 chapters still to come, all probably long ones. However, I want to believe that since they're "major fights" in which the MagLuck team up wasn't counted (meaning that chapter 369's battle isn't considered as "major"), these 4 battles will probably take more than 1 battle/chapter.

Also.... when you look at the colour page, you see at least five things:

Licita, William, Ichika, Nacht and Adrammelech

Nacht is probably going to tie in on the Yami VS. Morgen battle, and Ichika will meet up with her brother (dare I speculate a team up as well), with a high potential for some sibling reconciliation, because the ground work for it has been set.

Adra is the big question mark, because what exactly are they up to, is up for a debate. But because they are there, and Tabs hasn't placed people on coloured pages without a reason until now, there's potential for something more.

However, the thing that draws attention most, to me, as someone who wants more lore and plot, are Lichita and William.

The image of Lichita looks like it's from a memory, and considering how Asta's grimoire, with Liebe inside, somehow wound up to the grimoire tower, behind a brick on the outer wall, after Lichita died, gives good reason to wish for a flash back, maybe even a small story that takes place in the past. Not just in memories, because I doubt that Liebe can actually remember events of the grimoire in that manner.

And William's picture looks like it's a memory, to me, as well. For now, we're under the impression that William is... gathering himself after, maybe, losing a limb (we've been wrong about these before with Mereo, so I'm not saying that he actually has lost one), but he might feel like he needs to still atone himself somehow. Maybe he's reminiscing to something in his past, after meeting with Julius. That would be plot relevant in more ways than one, and could explain why Will is there, looking so solemn.

So, to me, after some contemplation, I think that we're going to mimic the elf arc, and the Final Arc is only now starting with chapter 370. Things up until now have just been the "Royal Knights Arc" of the Final Arc.

Idk, that's just what I think atm

[wildflower-otome]

[Translation] Clover no Kuni no Alice: White Calling Light Novel - Chapter 1

Summary

After moving to the Country of Clover, Alice is working as a maid while residing at Hatter Mansion. Worried that Alice will be led astray by the voices of the mysterious doors in the forest, the Prime Minister of Heart Castle, the White Rabbit Peter, persistently invites her everyday, ‘I want you to come to the Castle so we can be together forever.’ At the same time, while meetings are being held at the Tower of Clover, Alice ends up getting dragged into a fight between mafia—!?

Act 1 - It began with a white calling

Clack.

As she shut the door behind her, Alice breathed a sigh.

'Sheesh…..Peter's such a pain. Even though I won't change my answer no matter how many times he comes.'

Recalling the White Rabbit who had intruded into the garden at the Hatter Mansion not long before, Alice Liddell dropped her shoulders. Despite the long ears attached to his head, that rabbit never, never listened to what she said. It was a given she'd be fed up.

'Although, I suppose it wouldn't be Peter if he did listen obediently.'

Remembering his back when he left the garden as three of the role holders at the Hatter Mansion returned fire, she shrugged.

'............'

While sighing, she directed a quick glance towards the scenery in the garden that was visible from her window.

The large table she could see below was a favourite item of the Mansion's owner. Likely because it was the daytime period when the skies were still blue, there was no one sitting in the chairs.

She hadn't forgotten. When she had first been invited to the Mansion, it had been that table she had used.

The master of the Mansion was fickle and moody. Especially when it came to tea, he was fussy to the point that he wouldn't listen no matter what was said to him, and yet strangely he continued to use the same table without ever replacing it.

She wasn't sure of the reason why, but to Alice it was almost like a commemorative item, so it made her feel a little happy.

'Now then, time to get ready for work…..being late just because Peter came is inexcusable.'

She moved from the window and walked towards the closet she had been provided with. When she opened it, there was a white maid outfit hanging inside. They were the work clothes that she had been given for her own use during her stay at the Mansion.

As she took out the white outfit, Alice was laughing a little.

'Even though I've got my job, so of course I can't just go live somewhere else…..really,  that rabbit doesn't listen to what people say at all. And he's got such long ears too…..Elliot's the same, I wonder if all rabbits are just like that.'

Alice was still a newcomer to the Mansion. Even if her job was but that of an apprentice maid, work was work. She wanted to do a good job of fulfilling her role.

Whilst there might be changes due to the move, those thoughts still remained the same.

'............'

As that particular word came into her mind, Alice frowned a little.

She turned her gaze towards the vast grounds of the Mansion. Beyond it, unable to be seen from Alice's room, lay a green Forest.

The Forest of Doors, that whispered to the lost.

'.....This is the place I belong, isn't it…..?'

As Alice spoke as if to tell herself that, she untied her white apron, and as she put a hand to her blue dress…..stopped moving, as if she had realized something.

'It'd be better if I left this in my room after all…..I don't think it'll get broken, but just in case.'

Something hard, that had been in her pocket. Something that she had grown used to touching, to the point she knew what it was just by feeling the outside.

What she took out from her clothing was a small vial with a heart shaped stopper. Likely because it was made of glass, the contents within were visible.

However, unlike its transparent vessel, the fluid inside was somewhat cloudy.

'.............'

Compared to before, she thought that she no longer gazed at the glass vial quite as often. 

But even so—unconsciously, there were times when she would put it into her pocket without thinking. The first time she had looked at this small bottle as she was doing now, had been right at the time she had fallen into this world.

A tall tower that looked down over the Country of Hearts. The one who had been there with her at that place, was that White Rabbit.

'.....Let's stop reminiscing.'

As memories of forcibly being made to drink the bitter medicine came into her mind, Alice shook her head from left to right.

There was no doubt she was better off not remembering unpleasant memories.

She put the item that made a small sploshing noise each time she picked it up, away in her drawer. And, after once more putting a hand to her blue dress, she continued changing into her maid outfit.

She smoothed down her skirt, and tied the large ribbon around her waist. After lastly placing a small hat on her head as the finishing touch, her preparations were complete.

'.....Alright, all done.'

As she checked her reflection in the mirror and nodded, almost as if it had been waiting for Alice to finish changing, the colour of the sky changed.

The sky that should have been bright blue, was now displaying the dark blue of night.

'Now, I'd better get going.'

After lightly fluttering out the voluminous skirt of her maid outfit, the girl headed for the door.

The light that shone in from the window from which she had been looking down onto the garden a moment ago had now become a faint moonlight.

At this point, Alice was no longer surprised at the sudden change that had occurred in the sky just now.

The time periods in this world changed irregularly. It wasn't unusual for night to follow straight after noon. As to be expected, this was a world in which no one knew how long the night would continue on, or if it would completely change in an instant.

That was the kind of world Alice had decided to remain in.

'I'm off.'

Facing the small bottle she had left in the room, Alice spoke those words, then gently closed the door behind her.

In the now empty room, only the shadows of the night quietly spread out.

***

Soft-looking, without a single trace of dirt— a white pure like snow.

A gingham checkered coat scattered with vivid shades of red.

What stood out to her the first time she saw him were those two overly intense colours.

If it were just the colours themselves, it was likely they were not all that unusual, even in reality.

However…..if the one wearing them was an existence impossible in reality, then that was a different matter altogether.

'............'

A rabbit wearing clothes, walking on two legs. Precisely speaking, it wasn't just clothes, he was a rabbit that wore glasses as well, and was even carrying a large pocket watch.

'A rabb-...whaa-!?'

Judging from the long ears growing from its head, and the bushy tail…..at any rate, it seemed that the creature that had appeared in the garden at the Liddell's house where Alice lived was a rabbit, no matter how you looked at it. On top of that, he was running on his hind legs. Not temporarily standing on two legs, but walking on two feet like a human. It was something that was ordinarily impossible.

As she got up despite herself, she grimaced at the sudden pain in her head. It was a headache. It might be due to low blood pressure. Even though she had just gotten up, she felt as if she were about to sink back down to the ground at the feeling of dizziness that enveloped her whole body.

However, Alice quickly determined that this situation was a dream. She once more lay on her side on the ground and decided to close her eyes.

To decide that there was absolutely no way such a creature was real, or that it would appear in her garden, one could say that this was a verdict that was very like her, who was a realist. 

(Oh dear, I must have fallen asleep….while I was waiting for my big sister…..)

Her sister, who had gone to the storage room to look for the playing cards, must not have returned yet. Ever since her mother had passed away, all leisure items had fallen into disuse and been put away somewhere in the recesses of the storage room, her sister must surely be having a hard time finding them.

Those had been her thoughts as she closed her eyes, but the unfading sound of light footsteps urged her on.

(That being said…..to dream something like this, I must be pretty tired.)

A dream of a rabbit restlessly running through the garden. She wondered what kind of state of mind she must be in to have caused such a thing. She would have to ask her big sister, who had recently gotten into psychology.

As she opened her eyes just a little, she could see that the creature, who was white all the way down to his short legs, was staring at her for some reason. The vivid red eyes looked a little stern.

‘.....Hey, you there! This is the part where you’re supposed to chase after me, isn’t it!? Why are you ignoring me!? You have to chase after the rabbit, right?’

‘............’

Not only was he wearing clothes and running, this rabbit could talk. The more worked up the rabbit became, the colder the consciousness of the girl lying on her side grew.

Ah, I wish my big sister would hurry up and come back already.

‘.....Zzzzz….’

When she did, she would be able to wake from this dream.

As she tried once again to give into the heaviness of her eyelids, a pitter patter sound echoed from nearby. It seemed as if the rabbit was kicking the ground with its feet as if frustrated. To hear such a comical sound, that had to be a dream for you. More and more, this seemed to be a fairytale-like world that was quite unlike her.

'Hey! You've got a gloomy future ahead if you're gonna be so apathetic while you're still so young!'

Even as the rabbit scolded her, Alice kept her eyes closed.

She had a feeling that if she opened her eyes and met the gaze of this rabbit once more…..something even worse was going to happen. And in times like these, a girl's instincts were never wrong. Alice was still of an age where she could be called a girl, but she had accumulated enough life experience that she was able to tell this much.

However, it did not appear that the annoyed rabbit beside her had noticed her state of mind. It continued to stamp its feet— although she could not see it, from the sound she could tell without a doubt, and— raised its voice.

'Please don't ignore me! Come, you must chase me!'

'...Zz…'

Alice, who had decided to continue to feign sleep until she woke up from this strange dream, purposely continued to ignore the rabbit—then, involuntarily opened her eyes at the sudden feeling of floating that enveloped her.

'..............? Whaaaa-!?'

She let out a yell at the fluffy long things covered in fur.

The muffler-like things that had suddenly appeared in front of her eyes were standing straight up towards the sky, as if firmly supported by something in the center of them.

An animal's ears— that's right, they were the ears of the rabbit that had been agitating her just a moment ago. The size of them was different of course, but she wasn't able to think of any other creature who had such long ears.

'Eeeeehhhh!?'

'Please don't shout in my ears.'

From below the surprised Alice, red eyes looked up at her as if a little troubled. It was the rather well-proportioned face of an intellectual-type looking young man. However, his ears were the long ones of a rabbit.

Deep red eyes that were without a speck of impurity gazed at her fixedly.

The youth with looks of a kind that weren't often seen was carrying her in a sideways position. Perhaps this was what one would call the 'princess carry'. Although, unlike the princesses in picture books, the difference was she didn't have her arms wrapped around his neck.

'............'

For a girl of marriageable age, this might be the sort of situation to make her heart pound despite herself. Unfortunately, the long pure white ears made a complete waste of it all.

 'Ah, I'm sorry…..anyway, hurry up and let me down.'

Alice had unthinkingly apologised to the voice that sounded as if he had been inconvenienced.

If she thought about it more, she had suddenly been picked up by a man that she did not know. Of course she would be angry, and despite it not being necessary for her to apologise, she'd ended up doing so somewhat reflexively.

Without taking notice of what Alice had said, the young man continued as before and without preamble…..said something terrifying.

'I shall let you down when we arrive. Alright, here we go.'

His voice as he answered her remained in her memory even now.

Alice had been brought to this mysterious country by force.

No matter how many times she recalled it, her encounter with him had been the absolute worst.

Stolen away as she was taking a nap. Brought to an unknown land.

Made to drink a strange and extremely bitter medicine mouth to mouth.

She had instinctively clenched her fist hard and punched him, and even if she did say so herself, she thought her counterattack back then was only a natural one.

'"Back then"....I must say, I was surprised, myself. I had not thought you would be someone so quick to violence.'

When the time she had come to the Country of Hearts became the topic of conversation, those had been the thoughts expressed by the perpetrator himself.

The first time they had met he had been nothing but a kidnapper to her, but now she had grown to know him a little better.

The name of her kidnapper was Peter White. His alias in this world was 'the White Rabbit.' It was a name that matched his appearance exactly. If one were to say it was easy to understand, then perhaps that was true.

She also knew that the youth with the very handsome face served as Prime Minister at Heart Castle. 

At first she had wondered if someone as strange as he was fit for such an important role, but it hadn't taken her long after arriving in this country to realise that there was a difference in her judgements and the values of those around her.

The Prime Minister of Heart Castle was truly both capable and cruel. Apparently, his appearance as he indifferently carried out his government duties, together with his colour tone, gave him a reputation of even being aloof.  Although, whenever she saw him as he appeared out of nowhere calling her name, he didn't seem like that way to her at all.

"Alice, I love you. You are the only one I love. I do not care for anyone else…..I am happy so long as you remain in this world."

Because, I love you. 

Whenever she heard Peter's confessions of love, she couldn't help but think of a broken record. At any rate, he was persistent in telling her he loved her, like a record going round and round. Even if she tried to question him further, he would say something incomprehensible like 'There are no explanations necessary when it comes to love', and that was always the end of it.

'Ah, Alice, how sweet you are, how lovely. I love you, you're the only one I really love.'

'Yeah yeah…..I know.'

Alice didn't think the words of love that were on repeat and rewind were lies.

The White Rabbit who lived in Heart Castle was obsessed with cleanliness, that was a well known fact in this country. If you were a person he hated, it was likely you would not even be able to get close to him. It wouldn't be unusual to get shot instead.

And not just that…..Alice didn't see what value she had that he would tell a lie just to keep her here. If he thought that simply saying the sweet words 'I love you' were enough to have her remain here, one could say that that was a plan that had already failed.

—I've already had enough of romance.—

Every time she heard Peter tell her he loved her, she was sighing on the inside.

The end of her one and only previous romance had been a fitting one for someone such as her. That was why.

The person Alice had fallen in love with, and the person she had wanted to love her, had had his heart stolen by someone else.

The person he had fallen in love with was perfect, someone with whom she could not even hope to compete.

The memories of her first love were even now deeply ingrained in her mind.

Due to her experiences, she knew that romance was nothing but a waste of energy.

She wanted to become someone independent, who could live on her own without relying on others. She wondered at what point she had come to strongly feel that way.

In that mindset, despite there being no possibility of keeping her here with those sweet words, Peter repeated them again and again.

Almost in place of a greeting, he would smile saying 'I love you', his cold gaze changing to one of great joy as he looked at her.

A stalker-like rabbit man, with whom she had started off on the worst possible terms. Even though there was no way she ought to have been able to become friendly with someone like that….

It had been a certain daytime period—after she had grown used to going to see him after countless repeated visits.

‘Hello there, Peter.’

‘Ah! Alice, you’ve come to see me again! I’m so happy, I love you!’

Each time she visited Heart Castle, the White Rabbit would always pop up as if out of nowhere, his face full of smiles.

She had grown used to this red country with its constant flying bullets, and it was no longer unusual for Peter to invite her to have tea whenever she saw him at the Castle.

Every time she saw him always looking cheerful as he greeted her, Alice thought that she felt happy.

With a beautiful smile, his face expressing his joy, Peter called out her name, ‘Alice, Alice.’

‘These tea leaves are ones her Majesty had brought in from far away. It does not seem she has used any yet, but I think this tea would much rather prefer to be drunk by you instead.’

‘.....Vivaldi will be angry….’

‘Do not worry. After all, even when nothing has happened, she is always in a bad mood anyway. It won’t make any difference at all if she is a little displeased.’

The Prime Minister of Heart Castle, who was spoken of as coldhearted, without fail always came to see her whenever she made her appearance at the Castle.

At those times, he invited her for tea, led her to his room…..he devotedly took care of Alice, who was a guest unfitting for a Prime Minister to entertain in person.

In this world, Alice was a special existence called an ‘Outsider.’ Though she was called special, from her point of view, it wasn’t as if she could use magic or had any special knowledge, but apparently all people that came from an outside world were called thus.

Not just that— the existences known as Outsiders, while powerless and with low combat ability….had the characteristics to be loved by the inhabitants of this world.

“Most people here will come to love you the more you get to know them.”

Smiling smugly, that had been what the sickly looking dream demon had said in the dreams she had had since arriving at the Country of Hearts.

No matter who, it was a given you would feel more sympathetic towards someone the deeper your relationship grew. However, before they came to like you, you might be killed. That was the kind of dangerous world this place was.

However, it seemed there was always an exception to everything.

'............'

Even though they weren't even acquaintances when she had first come to this world, he had behaved favourably towards her from the beginning.

Though Alice didn't know him, he had spoken to her as if he already knew her and—had led her to this world.

Today, the ears of the young man waiting on her were standing straight up, he seemed to be in an extremely good mood. Just like he had when she had first come to this world.

Alice had of course only ever seen what Peter was like when he was with her. She had never seen what his face looked like, or how he acted, when she was not there.

'Right, here you are. Sorry for making you wait.'

'.....Thank you, Peter.'

On the red castle grounds, in the garden where red roses bloomed proudly, red eyes gazed at her happily.

Perhaps it had been these eyes she had been moved by. Alice had come to notice herself that the wariness that she should have had towards the White Rabbit, whom she had sent flying with a punch the first time they met, was gradually fading.

'Do you like it?'

Long ears aside, and the fact that he was a stalker who had kidnapped her, the reason she had ended up seeing him in a positive light…..might just because she had a weakness for good looks.

'Yeah…it's delicious.'

A fragrance and sweetness that reminded her of flowers. Its rich flavour was only to be expected of an item belonging to the Queen, who was known as a great lover of tea.

As Alice nodded, the White Rabbit seemed even happier, his eyes narrowing in delight, but then as if he had suddenly remembered something he asked another question.

'Hey, Alice. I have heard that you visit that forest by yourself…..is that true?'

'.....There you go, saying stuff like a stalker again….'

For some reason, it seemed that this rabbit, who didn't lack for anything when it came to looks, rank or ability, knew a lot about Alice's movements. Apparently, he at times had a unit of soldiers tail her, sending them out to check in on her.

'What are you saying! Truth be told, I want to be with you always, forever!! Without having to leave it to those faceless, just I, myself, always! If something were to happen to you, my beloved…..Aah!'

'Nothing will happen so you don't need to worry.'

She belonged to a territory that adjoined Heart Castle. She couldn't say that she had never been caught up in a gun battle before now, but those had been mostly internal quarrels between members of the Mansion.

‘I think those rules of yours are far more violent. It’s not right to use those good-natured soldiers on something like that.’

‘Something like that!? By that, you mean….aah, you want me to always be by your side….not those soldiers, you want me to always be with you…..that’s it, isn’t it!’

‘...........’

Ah, it was useless after all, no matter what she said to this Rabbit.

Sighing as if exasperated, Alice drank down the rest of her tea. And once she had, Peter immediately poured her a refill. Even though he never listened to what she said, he was a Rabbit that was strangely diligent when it came to things like this.

While breathing a sigh of relief at the flower-like fragrance, she spoke to further press her point.

‘Thank you…..But, you know, you’re the Castle’s Prime Minister, so please don’t throw aside your work so easily.’

‘My work…..There is no way it could ever be as important as you.’

‘............’

Most likely, work didn’t have any particular meaning to the White Rabbit.

However, it was different for Alice.

The work she had been given as her role in the territory in which she was now staying was not something she could take lightly.

‘A role isn’t something to be tossed aside, Peter.’

‘If it means that much to you…..I shall not take breaks from work.’

The White Rabbit nodded his head as if disappointed, but quickly recovered.

‘Then, in exchange, I shall have those faceless stay close to you! Ah, but, relying on the likes of them should something happen is…..in that case, it is not really a situation to be happy about.’

‘.....That’s why I said, stop it with the stalking already…..’

Fed up with a conversation with Peter that never reached a resolution, Alice decided to change the subject.

‘Um….so we were talking about the Forest, weren’t we…..Boris and Pierce are there as well, so it’s not that unusual a thing to do, is it?’

‘....Perhaps….’

Hearing her answer, the White Rabbit slightly cast his eyes downwards. However his reaction wasn’t due to the sudden change of topic.

Nonetheless, this wasn’t the first time she had seen Peter frown like this.

It was an exchange they had repeated countless times before now.

When she had talked about having gone to the Amusement Park, he had lamented, ‘If you go to such a crowded and bacteria-ridden place as that, you’ll get dirty.’ It seemed that to the White Rabbit, everything but himself was covered with germs. He really was a bother.

If she were to tell him she had gone to the Forest just now, there was no doubt his response would be the same. That was what Alice had thought, but contrary to her expectations, he continued on in a subdued tone.

‘I think… that it is best for you not to go to that Forest. No, I do not want you to go.’

Listening to his mysterious words, that sounded almost as if…..he was afraid of something, Alice tilted her head in puzzlement.

'—Why?'

'Within your heart…..there is still hesitation is there not?'

The red eyes were looking at her chest. But, what his piercing gaze was aimed towards was the stubborn, vague thing called a heart, hidden beneath her skin.

There was still a remaining sense of responsibility smoldering away inside Alice, that made her feel that she had to return to her original world. Though she should have already decided that Hatter Mansion was the place where she belonged, even then…..it was the truth that she wasn't quite able to forget that peaceful afternoon where her sister awaited her.

'............'

As she searched for the words to make a response, he slowly shook his head from left to right.

Like he was troubled, or as if anxious…..that was the kind of look he directed towards her.

'Those who are hesitating cannot help but hear the voices of those doors. And—you may never be able to return here once you have gone where they lead you. That is the kind of thing they are.'

'Yeah…..I know.'

She had also heard about the doors in the Forest, as well as the ones in Clover Tower, from the knowledgeable master of the Mansion.

A person would be able to go to the place they most desired if they passed through one of the whispering doors. In exchange…..they would be unable to go to a place they least expected.

She knew that.

Even so, the reason a part of her heart was swayed by the doors' voices…..was because the things she had abandoned had just been too important.

'Alice, I am happy so long as you remain in this world. So I beg of you, please don't go anywhere.'

'.....I won't.'

Perhaps she was slightly slow to answer because she needed a little time to collect her resolve. Or, maybe it was because of the hesitation she couldn't completely erase, she wasn't sure which.

Nodding once more, Alice repeated herself. 

'I won't go anywhere.'

'Yes, Alice. If you can become happy in this world…..that is the most important thing to me.'

At last seeing Peter's expression soften, Alice smiled.

Strangely, she did not dislike the gaze that looked at her as if she were something dazzling.

After all, this wasn't romance. This wasn't at all related to something so troublesome.

Because the 'like' he had for her was surely the same as the 'like' she had for him. Because despite the stalker-ish things he said, he had already become an important friend to her.

She didn't feel as if his words of love were to be taken at face value.

Because Peter's love, and the goodwill she felt, ought to be similar things. She wasn't so foolish as to disdain the concern of a friend.

'Sorry for making you worry. And..thank you, Peter.'

'Not at all.'

Being at his side was comfortable. She had ended up realising that.

As if she had returned to that afternoon, as if she were spending time with her older sister…..that comfortable feeling might be what brought Alice to this Castle so frequently.

'Hey, might I have another cup of tea?'

'Of course! As many as you like, with pleasure.'

A happy looking face. The ears that stood straight up were like snow left behind in the tranquil atmosphere. They were of such purity that one would almost hesitate to touch them.

A pure white without a single speck of dirt. The strands of his hair were also the same kind of white.

A White Rabbit that didn't want to be touched by anyone. It was an odd thing that despite being that way, the only one Peter drew close to was herself.

However, being touched by him wasn't an unpleasant feeling for Alice either.

'It's delicious.'

After all, he didn't lie to her. He hid neither his malice nor his good will. She already knew now that even if there were things he kept secret, he would not lie.

'For you to be happy…that is all that I want.'

A peaceful noon time period.

For Alice, going to meet the White Rabbit that awaited her at the red Castle was something irreplaceably precious.

***

The place Alice was staying at was called Hatter Mansion. 

The Country of Hearts was divided into three large powers that were constantly battling each other for territory, the Hatter Family was an organization of such vast scale as to make up one of those territories.

The man who was the head of the Mansion was called by his alias, "The Hatter." Blood Dupre. He led the Mafia organization and wore a peculiar hat as if to match his other name. In any case, he was a man who hated both being bored and anything irksome, with a troublemaking personality that enjoyed messing around with those in his vicinity, so long as it amused him.

And then there was the person called his right hand man, “The March Hare”, Elliot March. Though he was likely the one most thrown about by Blood’s whims, he was devoted to his boss, and apparently didn’t see it as any hardship at all. Despite always being busy running around for his work, those around him knew all too well how his face would light up with happiness the moment he set eyes on carrot cake.

At the mansion also lived the violent gatekeepers who would play around with him like they were siblings. Their names were Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. However, publicly, they were more well known by their second name, “The Bloody Twins.” Swinging around axes that were taller than they were without any trouble, they loved violent games, and often invited Alice to play with them on their breaks.

Normally speaking, perhaps one might say they were altogether an excessively eccentric group for Alice, who was nothing more than a powerless young girl, to be living with. If anything, Alice couldn’t help but find it strange that she was allowed to stay with them just because she was an Outsider.

The first place she had visited once she had left the Clock Tower after having been taken to the Country of Hearts by Peter was this Mansion.

Almost about to be sliced to death by the dangerous gatekeepers and on the verge of being shot by a quick-tempered rabbit…..Luckily, due to a suggestion of their capricious Boss, Alice had come to live in the Mansion, where she still continued to stay even now.

Though this was a perilous world of flying bullets, Alice did not shut herself away in the Mansion.

This was likely because even people who were enemies of the Hatter did not involve Alice the Outsider in their territorial disputes.

Having become acquainted with each other, the leaders of the various territories welcomed her visits.

The unsociable Clockmaker and the lost Knight. The owner of the Amusement Park with his nonsensical music and the pink Cheshire Cat. The crimson Queen and—the White Rabbit that had pulled her into this world, also numbered among them.

However, that status quo had changed greatly due to the sudden move.

Alice, who had commenced her work once the uninvited Rabbit had been chased out of the garden, shifted her gaze.

‘............’

What she was looking at was a large window. It reflected herself wearing her white maid outfit. However, what Alice’s eyes were directed towards was beyond the glass.

Even though she knew that it wasn’t there…..she could help but unconsciously search for it.

Before, from this window that was the closest to the highest point of the Mansion, she had been able to see the Clock Tower where the always brusque Clockmaker lived. But now, no matter where she looked, she could no longer see it.

In its place, was land of a deep green and the shadow of a spire that struck up towards the heavens as if to tear through it.

The only thing the two places visibly had in common was an unclouded sky. Although even that might change depending on the fickleness of the shifting time periods. 

'............'

In the same way that a clock hand moves, so too does the land. That is what moving meant in this world.

All people and buildings attached to each territory, including the land moved, and the Country also changed in unison with them.

In the previous Country of Hearts, there was Heart Castle, the Hatter Mansion, the Amusement Park, and the Clock Tower.

Now, a vast Forest stretched out where the Amusement Park once was, and in place of the Clock Tower, which had stood at the Country's centre, was the Clover Tower.

'.....I wonder how Julius and Gowland are doing.'

A sense of nostalgia welled up the moment she spoke the names of the friends that were now far away. Both of them had been important people to Alice.

When she had first been brought here by the White Rabbit, she had only ever thought of wanting to wake up, that she now worried over the well-being of this place's inhabitants was a strange thing.

‘Is there something interesting out there, young lady?’

‘! Blood!’

Perhaps because she had been concentrating so hard on the scenery outside, Alice turned around as if surprised by the voice that had suddenly called out to her.

As expected, she saw the shadow of a tall man wearing a black silk hat.

‘It is rare for you to lose focus while working…..did something out of the ordinary happen?’

Slightly tilting his hat, which was decorated with roses, feathers and place cards, the man smiled.

It was the sort of amused, meaningful smile that made you want to fill in the blanks despite yourself.

He was the leader of the Hatter Mansion territory, and also the Boss of the Family. Blood Dupre.

‘.....It’s nothing. I was just looking outside for a little bit.’

Normally, the likes of a maid-in-training would not be allowed to speak like this to the master of the Mansion. However, the person who hated anything tedious didn’t seem at all concerned, and instead vaguely tilted his head.

‘With such a melancholy looking face as that? I thought that perhaps your sweetheart might be out there, but it seems I was mistaken.’

‘Blood!’

She made her voice sound a little stern in response to his teasing, but the man’s amusement showed no signs of abating. His shoulders shaking, he replied with ‘I’m joking!’, but it was ambiguous as to how serious he really was.

A little while later after he had finished laughing to his heart’s content, the Hatter spoke again as if he had remembered something.

‘Now then….you have your break after this, don’t you? I’ve gotten some books that you might like, so you should come read them.’

He didn’t specify where, but the place Blood was talking about, and Alice’s reading room, was none other than his own private room.

A man and a woman together in a closed room might make one imagine there was something untoward going on, but so far they had never once crossed that line.

It was just the two of them in the room. Alice would read her new books, while Blood made progress on his work. Sometimes she would act as her master’s tea drinking companion but….that was all.

It was a distance that was too close for them to be called friends. However, even so, the girl knew well that Blood’s taste in books was similar to her own, so she had never once turned down his invitations. 

Although, she couldn’t deny that perhaps because of his earlier teasing, her face looked a little discontented.

‘.....Thank you. Once I’m done here, I’ll take you up on your offer.’

‘Fufufu. Then, come on over during the next time period—Ah, and also-’

As if to detain Alice as she was about to return to her work, Blood brought his face nearer.

‘-’

Their faces were so close they were almost touching.

The scent of roses grew stronger as the deep blue gaze approached her. Whether it came from the roses in his hat, or from the man himself—she didn’t know.

‘It hasn’t been long since the move to the Country of Clover. I’ve spoken to you before about how the land is unstable, haven’t I?’

‘Yes. I remember.’

Right after the move came a period of instability. Countless times before when Alice had gone to visit other territories, the roads had changed, and she had ended up coming out onto places that were different than the ones she had expected.

‘After a while it will stabilise, so until then, please refrain from going out unnecessarily. If something happened to you, I can imagine all too well the uproar Elliot and the Gatekeepers will be in.’

‘Oh, are you not worried for me too, Blood?’

She had asked trying to get back at him, but apparently it had ended in failure.

The smile on the Hatter’s face deepened, and he drew his face in even closer than before. Eyes that seemed to almost suck her up into their depths came directly near to Alice.

‘Of course I worry for you. You are an important young lady to me as well.’

‘-!’

If she moved her lips they would be touching. It was that kind of ambiguous distance.

Nevertheless, deftly letting only their breaths intertwine, Blood whispered.

‘You are already a member of this Mansion, Alice. So that you don’t get lost going somewhere all on your own without I, your master, knowing….please take care.’

‘............’

Having finished saying what he wanted to say, the man at last stepped back. As Alice glared at him as if annoyed at being unable to hide her slightly reddened face, he unexpectedly was not laughing.

‘Though I may say so, you have a lot of friends all over the place…..so I don’t suppose you will be able to stop going out.’

As if troubled, he shrugged his shoulders and continued. She didn’t feel the same overpowering pressure from his behaviour as when he had been directly near.

‘.....You’re right. Hiding away in this Mansion doesn’t suit me.’

That was why Alice was able to continue speaking in her usual tone.

‘I’ve promised everyone too…..And, we don’t know when the next move will be, I’d hate not being able to meet my friends.’

‘My my…..what a difficult young lady.’

Averting her gaze from the man who was smiling bitterly, the girl declared herself.

‘But, the fact that my home is here is for certain. The only place I’ll return to is this Mansion…..I won’t get lost.’

‘.....Is that so. Then, I don’t mind.’

Whether he had given in or she had persuaded him, she wasn’t sure, but after finishing speaking the man leisurely turned his back and began to walk.

Clack clack, with steady steps the white-clad back grew further away.

Making sure from the corner of her eye that it had done so, Alice once more turned her gaze towards the other side of the window.

’That's right, after all, I’ve decided to remain here.’

The words she spoke sounded somehow as if she were telling herself that.

What was reflected in the girl’s field of vision was a Forest of a singular shade of green.

The whispering, enticing Forest of Doors spread out there.

Doors that were like magic, that would take the person who turned the knob to their most preferred place.

However—once you had opened one and passed through, there was no guarantee you would be able to return to the same place.

When she had been in the Country of Hearts, Alice had decided to remain here in the Mansion. Her regrets towards her previous world hadn’t necessarily disappeared, but even so, the place she had thought that she wanted to remain at was this Mansion of dangerous Mafia.

At the beginning she had been a freeloader, but it was different now.

Her position at the Mansion might just be that of an apprentice maid. It might be a job that anyone could do.

But even so, this Mansion was already home to her.

The master who was not satisfied unless he could be slightly sarcastic about everything, the number 2 who was a carrot fanatic, and the Twins who ran up to her while holding sharp objects.

Each and every one of them, including the maids and servants, were already family to Alice.

‘.....I will always return here.’

While speaking as if to tell herself that.

Since she knew the words that the doors whispered.

The girl’s green eyes didn’t quite leave the window.

[kovulwa]

9/13/2024

I've been struggling a lot recently w/ imposter syndrome and also just a general feeling of spiralling.

I need to put my thoughts down, but I find it difficult to do so. I don't feel motivated in any way, I know the act and action will be healthy (ultimately) but the urge to dissociate any time I'm by myself is too strong.

So I'm out in the world, being a thousand different someone elses for a thousand different someones. And all of them feel inadequate, like I'm putting on a performance for a role I never asked for and couldn't play even if I did ask for it.

I'm 32, I have no skills to speak of. I dropped out of high school, moved away from my hometown, and bummed it in the service industry before moving into manufacturing where I still make a living. The things I used to love to do, I am hopelessly mediocre at, time has made me foolish and insecure.

I would like to change all that, and I don't really have a good idea of where to start.

I need to practice guitar if I want to improve.

I need to write more if I want to improve.

I need to draw more if I want to improve.

And then I think. Ok, so you spend the time getting good at the things you love. Then what? Shouldn't the act be fulfilling in and of itself? That's what I think, plainly. But my thoughts convince me out of this, that actually, as long as I am forced to work a menial job, what good is my art except a pacifier for myself?

and I started making art because I am terminally unable to connect with other people. I want to, but I don't know how to talk. Or act. And when it does work, I find myself immediately regretful. Exposed.

Maybe more than ever it's just this cascade of hopelessness and despair. I've seen it my whole life, or been aware of it, rather. But it's stronger now than ever before, that feeling like spiritual acid rain. We are all trapped in a meat grinder, we are standing arm and arm inside a giant compactor and the walls get tighter and tighter.

So I have to sort my thoughts and separate the strands and keep it from becoming this great big fucking knotted thing that weighs me down entirely and keeps me unable to move or act or think, a brain fit only for bare routine.

But I don't want to be that way, I don't want this to be who I am forever until I die. And I don't want to choose to die rather than stay in the routine, a grim thought I have hourly if not daily.

So here are all the things I'd like to do creatively, somehow, in no particular order, before I succumb to bad thoughts or get in a car wreck or whatever.

"I Am the Chasm" - Coven Brothers is my band, and I would really like to write and record the second album. The first was ok, I think I made a lot of mistakes and bad calls and I think you can hear every single one, but I need to try again. I have a better formed idea of what I want the record to sound like and how to tie things in thematically, so I can't give up on this.

"A Serious Kid" - This was my idea for a solo album, something more introspective and gentle than the previous entry. I have quite a few songs written for this, but I need to flesh out arrangements and actually finish writing out the ideas I had for this record.

Practice drawing. Self explanatory, but for context. I'm not an artist, visually anyway (or in any other regard, depending on what day you ask). But I've always loved visual art and was envious of people who could bring life to images. I should look into foundational drawing texts or classes or something to help me get started, but in the meantime I have two hands and a sketchbook, so I can work at it.

Write more prose. When I first moved to Portland, back in 2014, I had a pretty rough go of it. I was in a relationship that was bad for both of us, I missed the people that I left behind even though they very often hurt my feelings and made me feel excluded. Under this backdrop, I began writing a novel. I don't know why I thought I could do that, and upon sharing and editing and getting feedback for a period, it's been pretty much left to rot in a binder somewhere in my desk. But I've often wanted to revisit it, blow up whatever I had written down and try to string it back together into something good and worthwhile.

Write more poetry. I'm actually doing ok on this one, though like any creative pursuit in a vacuum, I have no idea if what I'm doing is any good or not. But I have been bringing my moleskin to new places, any time I'm out of the house, and writing a few short lines at the very least. Sometimes it feels effortless, and I find myself writing a few lines or stanzas and other times the moleskin goes unopened entirely.

I also need to get therapy.

I think that is a funny last line for this post.

[egelantier]

guess who binged the entirety of leverage: redemption in 24 hours? i did, i did, even though i had to psych myself up a bit first. leverage was one of vanishingly few american/english-speaking TV shows that didn't let me down, didn't meander or lose the plot or did the characters dirty or lost its sense of hope and kindness and beautifully lived-in humor, and i was so afraid the sequel is going to mess it up. hardison's not there? new-ish lineup? noah whyle? (rant about him pulling the blanket onto himself and messing up with the nice ensemble show on librarians omitted for time).

what if they did it wrong? what if they're too egregiously dated or embarrassing? what if rogers forgot how to write eliot/hardison/parker? aaah. i had so much anxiety!

and now i have to report that NO EVERYTHING WAS EXCELLENT AND GREAT AND IT'S THE BEST SEQUEL EVER AND I'M SO GRATEFUL IT EXIST. GO WATCH IT NOW. IT'S A RAY OF JOY IN THIS TURBULENT WORLD AND I LOVE IT.

ahem.

dumping a bunch of spoilery and unspoilery reactions under one undiscriminating cut:

i loved how they dealt with timothy hutton not being on the show anymore, and by extension with nate's character, who was, for me, a very important part of the story: with nice verve and gravitas, and selling it with emotions, not just plot convenience.

eliot, hardison and parker are extremely, extremely, extremely married. i'm not sure, by the vibe, if it's an equal triangle of hardison-centered v with eliot and parker being platonic buddies, but yes, those are people who spent eight years together. (and banging.) the in-jokes! the synchronisity! the klingon! the nerdspeak! eliot calling hardison 'babe' at least two times! parker's incredibly inappropriate delight over hot, tight, new vents! god, if they only ever interacted in this pilot, i could live on it forever, and it continued, and it was great.

i'm extremely sad they didn't had hodge for the duration of the show, because apparently he grew from magnificent to incandescent in the interim, but the way they did it was absolutely amazing and worked extremely well for his character (and eliot/parker/hardison family too).

eliot is always my growly favorite, and the best thing about his show is how it's very… without being spelled out too much, it's visible that in those eight years, he's let go of last of his grief and rage and guilt, and he's happy. he's got his soul back, entire, he has his family and his world-changing job and his hobbies and his joys, and he knows that redemption is a lifetime work, and he's doing it with a smile. it was just great to see him, every moment of screen time.(he also kept his habit of being into very tall warrior women, which i can imagine fitting in with his family with no problem, and: good for him. i'm sad they didn't get mikel back for this particular beat, but it was still great.)

parker: sheer delight. just, she's still very much parker in all her gorgeous and gloriousness parker-ness, but she grew into it and into herself and into a variety of roles without reserve and without a limit, and i love her.

brianna the new baby hacker, hardison's baby sister, was SUPER good, fitted the crew like she was always there, and had a variety of great and fun relationships with the entire team. loved her.

SOPHIE: flat out stole the show. i always liked her, but secondary to the ot3, but: she brought so much weight into this reunion tour, her power and her grief and her mischievous streak and her ruthlessness and her hilarity, it was amazing. and i loved how she was very - she was her age in a way that you very rarely see on tv, i think. she and parker both, but sophie especially. my heart for her.

harry the dirtbag lawyer turned good, aka noah whyle: surprisingly great! they didn't give him a mastermind role, which would've killed the show for me, but instead drew him in as an overwhelmed but quickly invested and happy newbie with a lot of sins to atone for, and his bumbling and enthusiastic delight (with some darker underneath) fit the crew dynamics very well without being overpowering or distracting. good for him, and good for the show.

ELIOT LEARNED KLINGON FOR HARDISON AND PARKER DID TOO I REPEAT.

hardison's nanna is alive! and used to fbi on her doorstep.

sadly no sterling or bumbling interpol agents.

eliot made an aging security agent friend who bakes on one of the jobs, and it was adorable.

'LET'S LURE HIM IN AND ALL STAB HIM WITH THE FORKS.'

i laughed my entire ass off the george martin bit. oh show.

ELIOT JOUSTING: THANK YOU, GOD AND JOHN ROGERS. THANK YOU.

the updated and modernized cases - i recognized shkreil, but i'm sure everything else is also america- and current-world based, because the center cannot hold, et cetera - is sliding juuuuuuuuust to the line of being pleasant wish-fulfillment - if only there was a team of genius criminals to punish the unjust and save the innocent! - without being too bitter. i was worried about this aspect, and some of it is too on the nose, but - this was always leverage.

still no gay people, unless this one word in brianna's speech meant she was non-hetero in some unspecified way. that's a pity.

at least two of the marks had anxiety/ptsd that the team exploited in a way that was also very borderline to me: like, on one hand it should be recognized that mental illness doesn't excuse you from being a monstrous asshole to other people, and on the other hand, i wish the devs would learn their lesson from white rabbit job and just, like, don't. but whatever.

parker's cinderella dress, ehehehe.

"you just flipped your hair, eliot."

a surprising amount of the show, for all that it's, as always, hilarious, was - i'd say the entire theme was - about grief, and about grieving for the unfixable and lost, and continuing to move. i liked it a lot, and while sophie carried a lot of it, pretty much everybody had a bit of their own to do, and they all just - grew so much.

in conclusion: ah, ah, ah. what love.

[dtrhwithalex]

BOOK | Grisha Trilogy (Leigh Bardugo)

Shadow and Bone (2012), Siege and Storm (2013), Ruin and Rising (2014)

I came to this world through the Netflix adaptation SHADOW AND BONE which came out earlier this year, and after, to my huge surprise, falling in love with these stories, I decided I would have to give these books a go as well. I've been aware of the Grishaverse for quite some time now but probably especially since SIX OF CROWS came out in 2016 and tumblr went completely batshit for one (1) Kaz Brekker. I am always kind of wary when it comes to entertainment that tumblr goes nuts for, especially when it is YA fiction, because I do not quite trust the general consensus (I was sorely disappointed by Donna Tartt's THE SECRET HISTORY which I found tremendously boring). So actually, I've been actively avoiding reading this book series until now. But then the Netflix adaptation happened and well—you can blame (or thank) Ben Barnes, because he is pretty much at fault for this alone. Anyway, enough preamble.

I've just recently finished reading the last book of the trilogy and I have to say, I have to my surprise really enjoyed these books! I've also read the short stories THE WITCH OF DUVA after the first book, and THE TAILOR and THE TOO-CLEVER FOX after the second, and will be reading LITTLE KNIFE and THE DEMON IN THE WOOD before I move on to the Crows duology. I am reading the short stories according to publication year and not specific date, so they might not be completely in release order.

Reading SHADOW AND BONE I was very much always thinking back and comparing to the plot of the show since that was my original basis for the story. I am not too fond of first person narratives as I prefer things to be written in third person, but I've found that it did not bother me all that much in these books. What I realised though, was that I liked the show a bit more than the book, because it goes beyond Alina's story and the information a reader gets through her focalisation. We get to see Mal's story instead of only hearing of some of it when he and Alina are finally reunited once she leaves the Little Palace, which to me also made the character a whole lot more likable and interesting than in the books. I've also found that I really enjoyed the integration of the Crows in the show because it made the time leading up to and including the Winter Fete that much more interesting. Generally, I really liked most of the changes they made to the story for the adaptation—Alina scheming to get on the skiff, the Darkling's claw ring instead of the knife, that Alina seems to ride the entire way to Os Alta with the Darkling, the explicit consent given at the Winter Fete, erasing the scar, the fact that Alina and Mal don't kiss during the search of the stag. I would have loved to see some of the early scenes like in the book though, especially Alina and Mal on the way to Kribirsk and nearly getting run over by the Grisha carriages. I am also not entirely sure what I want to think about the change of Morozova's collar. I thought it was super dope that it was actually mended into her collarbone, but I am uncertain about her being able to completely melt it into her body and have it disappear like that. But generally, I really liked this first book. I think it does a pretty good job of establishing the world through Alina's eyes and gearing up the plot of the three novels.

SIEGE AND STORM then, of course, gave me my first look into the Grishaverse that was not completely informed by the adaptation. I was super surprised how quick it became clear to them that the Darkling had survived the events in the Fold and for him to catch up with them. I loved the sequences on the Volkvolny with Sturmhond though. And although I was aware that there was a character called Nikolai in this universe, it took me forever to catch on that he was Sturmhond, and when that reveal came I was very much happily blown away. I am super excited to see that character translated to screen (when, not if, the show finally gets renewed for a second season). I really enjoyed the hunt for Rusalye, the introduction of Tamar and Tolya, and for the role Genya gets to play in that sequence. Also, when first getting into this universe, my immediate first thought was, why don't they just fly over the Fold. Do airborne crafts not exist in this world (yet)? No balloons or something like it? And then of course Sturmhond delivered which definitely helped solidify how much I like his character. I am an incredibly visual person, so I think my favourite bits of this book are all somehow related to how much I would like to see them brought to screen (it's either that, or just how much I want to see Ben and Jessie be brilliant in scenes together). The bond between Alina and the Darkling I really enjoyed a lot and also absolutely the scene in the chapel at the end with him believing that she has finally chosen his side, only for her to then try and kill him with their combined powers and merzost. An absolutely extraordinary scene and if Netflix does not renew this show and I never get to see Ben and Jessie fucking nail this scene, I might just riot.

I had to take a bit of a break in-between books two and three because of uni responsibilities, but I finally got around to reading RUIN AND RISING and finished it two days ago. I am very unsure if I liked the ending or not, but more on that later. I was very glad when they finally got out of the White Cathedral and back to the world above ground, because as cool as this undergound world is, the Apparat creeps me out and so does religious culty stuff. I loved the plotting and scheming though and the fact that Alina can control shadows to some extent. Very cool. Prince Nikolai to the rescue once more was also fantastic and the existence of the Spinning Wheel fascinates me to no end. That I definitely want to see translated on screen. Make me a beautiful observatory to fall in love with, Netflix, make me one! Loved the return of Baghra as well, and generally all of her moments at the Spinning Wheel. The Darkling's attack too was right up my alley, and nichevo'ya!Nikolai? Fucking dope, I love it. This novel especially makes for some great visuals that I can't wait to see on the show. Just gimme, all of it. I liked that the Firebird was not the third amplifier, and I find the idea of Mal being the amplifier instead quite intriguing. What I am not so sure about is the actual ending. I once again really loved the bond scenes between Alina and the Darkling, and I now absolutely see why some fans are upset about him giving up his real name so quickly in the show. I do wonder how that is going to play out eventually. I did like the Darkling's ending—his desperation at Alina losing her power, his plea to her that there will be no grave, and him asking for her to speak his name one last time. And I loved that, as horrible of a person he was, as much gruesome things he did, Alina still understood what drove him and still felt a certain kinship to that, and ultimately did also mourn him in a way. There is this echoing of that line from the show—"we could have had this, all of it"—if only he'd asked, and I absolutely love that. Their dynamic is just incredibly intriguing. The thing I am not sure about is Alina losing her power. Mal coming back to life, yeah okay maybe. The power of the Sun Summoner splitting and finding root in every otkazat'sya in the vicinity, that was amazing. But Alina completely losing her power? I don't know. I am not sure what I want to think about that. I see where it comes from but I don't think I like it.

Overall, I have to say, I really enjoyed this trilogy. I don't think I've read a YA series since the HP one which I grew up with. I am honestly very positively surprised by this fact. I am very excited to read on, especially since summer break has now officially started for me and I actually have the time to read. I know I mentioned some of the short stories in the beginning, but I think I will talk about those separately once I've read them all.

For now all that I can say is, damn you, Ben Barnes, for being this attractive as a bad guy, you alone are to blame that I am falling down this particular rabbit hole. Thanks so much.

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 2.7k

Warnings: swearing, angst, drunk, motion of death

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 2 Part 4

Part 3

In less than ten minutes, we had pulled up to Liam's house. Liam paid for the taxi too. I kind of argued this time, but he pointed out he asked me to his house. I didn't get too stubborn about it.

Liam was living in a four-story terrace house, recently renovated by the looks of it. It was painted white with black wrought iron lacework, and it was beautiful. The front door and windows were painted black. It appeared to be the twin of the house that shared its wall.

We entered through the dining room, and I realised it was actually the two houses renovated together. The inside was modern with original heritage touches. The floors were light timber, and the walls were white. The ceilings had plaster and cornice so beautifully ornate that restoration must have taken ages. The room had an imposing black marble fireplace and a deep brown, almost black wooden dining table set on a grey shag rug in the room's centre. A huge abstract painting of bright pinks, greens and grey hung on the wall.

"Wow, this must have cost a mint!" I quickly covered my mouth. "I'm sorry, that was rude of me."

"It's ok. I was pleasantly surprised by the house too. The studio got the house for me I...." Liam was interrupted by a massive dog bounding into the room.

Liam got down and roughhoused with the dog for a bit. Wow, he was a monster! I'd seen a picture of Cole before that "Will" had sent me, but I wasn't quite prepared for how big he was. He was almost completely black with some brown above his eyes and ears. His paws were brown too, and his belly was grey. He wasn't any particular breed, apparently a rescue dog. I thought of my bull terrier cross cattle dog at home. This dog would eat him for breakfast, and Perrin wasn't small.

Cole's pink tongue lolled, and he panted as Liam moved from side to side. Cole imitated Liam's actions jumping about. He barked a couple of times as he got excited by the play. The noise reverberated through the quiet house.

"Shhh, Cole, people are sleeping." Liam softly admonished. Then his voice became stern. "Sit," he ordered before patting him. Liam looked at me and said, "Lana, this is Cole. Cole, Lana."

"Hi, Cole. You're much bigger in person." I could hear the slight tremor in my voice. Liam must have sensed I was nervous and came over to stand near me. Cole padded over and sniffed at me. Gingerly, I put my hand by my side and let him approach me. Cole nuzzled my hand, and I gave him a pat on the side of his neck. I let out a sigh of relief.

"I was worried he wouldn't like me. I love dogs but always get nervous around new ones." Liam put his head to the side, asking a silent question. "I had a dingo go me one time, and I've never really gotten over it." I squatted down and gave Cole more pats. "I think this guy is ok, though."

"Yeah, he's a good boy. How is Perrin, by the way?"

"He's ok." I sighed, "he's just old. The poor little guy can't get onto my bed anymore and sleeps in my lounge room now. I kinda miss it, but I have slept a bit better."

Liam gave Cole some more pats and told him to go sit. "Come on. I'll make you a tea or coffee if you'd like." I agreed a coffee would be perfect right now. I needed something to sober me up.

I sat at the kitchen bench while Liam made coffees. Cole sat by my stool, and I patted his head while watching Liam. Liam had kicked off his shoes and was walking around in his bare feet. It was amazing to see him so much more relaxed here than while we were out. He really did appear to enjoy being at home.

As Liam made our coffee, he moved with a grace that surprised me. His movements seemed economical and rigid but hinted at the power beneath them. He seemed coiled and ready to explode at any moment. It was like he was dancing the pasodoble, his body moving to an invisible beat. Images of Strictly Ballroom came into my mind, and I found myself humming Love is in the Air. I was drunker than I thought.

When Liam was done, he led me over to his large L shaped lounge, and I sat. Liam flopped down next to me, casually laying back and popped his feet up on the coffee table. Cole sat on a mat that was clearly his.

I sipped my coffee, not knowing what else to do. Suddenly the quiet between Liam and I felt awkward.

Liam and I spoke at the same time, "What.." "So..."

We both laughed. Liam indicated I should proceed. "Well, I was going to ask what brought you out to Sydney, for real, not the Will answer."

"A new project. I'm going to be filming a television show." Liam proceeded to tell me about his project, working with some people from Netflix on a fantasy/sci-fi series adaptation. He was so animated when telling me that it was obvious that he loved his job.

It would be his first television series and was to be more romance heavy than anything he had done in years. Liam explained that he is filming here because the story was written and developed in Australia. "If it works out, I'll probably be based out of Australia for the next few years. I'll go home to England for a few months during breaks, maybe do some small film roles. It's hard with Cole, though, because every trip into Australia means 10 days quarantine for him."

"Oh yeah, and you don't want a Pistol and Boo situation." Liam looked confused, and I explained about Amber Heard and Johnny Depp smuggling their dogs into Australia.

"I thought you said you don't follow celebrity gossip."

"I don't, but that was big news, hilarious really. It was on every bit of media in Australia, and then they had to make this cringe video apology. I almost felt bad for them." Then I yawned, suddenly all the alcohol had lost its buzz, and I was just tired. "The coffee doesn't seem to be doing its job. What time is it?"

Liam looked at his watch, "11.30."

"Yeah, it's late. I should get home. I don't want to turn into a pumpkin." I cringed. Fuck.

"You don't have to go. You could stay here." I raised my eyebrows. "I do have more than one bed if that's what you want." Liam leaned over to me and placed a hand on my cheek, rubbing his thumb against my skin.

I looked at my nearly empty coffee mug. I swirled the dregs around the bottom as if it were tea leaves, and they would tell me what to do. "I don't want to go home yet, but I don't want to go too fast, either."

"That's ok."

I didn't move. I wanted to stay. Ten years ago, I would have stayed, but Andy's face flashed into my thoughts. I knew it was ridiculous. Andy had been gone for over three years now. But every time I even contemplated being with someone, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Liam was waiting for an answer, but I didn't know what to tell him. 'It's not you, it's me' is such a tired cliche, but sometimes it's true.

"Lana, it's ok. If you want to go home, that's absolutely fine. I'll even call you an Uber."

I felt my eyes sting, and I looked away from Liam. My bloody traitorous tear ducts giving me away. I shouldn't have drunk so much. Alcohol always makes me emotional.

"Fuck." I swore under my breath. I angrily wiped at my eyes, thankful I had used waterproof mascara. My eyeliner was a different story, though, and black streaked my fingers. I asked Liam where his bathroom was, and I got up, only half listening to his directions. I found it quickly. It was only through the doorway into a little enclave with a powder room, stairs and a lift. What kind of bloody house has a lift?

I closed the door and sat on the toilet seat. I knew enough not to try to stop the tears, so I just let them go. Bloody hell, Andy. Why did he fucking have to leave me? Why the fuck did you have to fucking die. Goddammit. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to Andy? I wanted to scream, to punch something, to throw something. I needed another cigarette. Fuck you, Andy. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck Liam.

As I always did when I thought of Andy, I remembered the last time I saw him. His sweet face looked down at me as he kissed me goodbye. His deep brown hair fell like a curtain around us, hiding our kiss from the world. Cheekily I had slipped my tongue into his mouth, and he had groaned as he pulled away. He told me to save it for when he got back and would be as quick as he could be. I had thanked him for filling in for me. He winked and said to thank him later. Then he left.

When I was able to, I started to take deep breaths. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I could feel the tightness in my chest slowly ease. Breathing became more comfortable, and the tears stopped. I looked at my hands, and I was able to release the fists I was making. My nails hadn't broken the skin this time, but small red crescents remained etched into my palms.

I waited a few minutes longer to make sure the moment had passed. It wasn't Andy's fault he died, and I knew that. It's also not my fault that I wanted someone to love again. Sleeping with someone other than Andy felt like crossing the Rubicon, no going back.

The fact was there is no going back, no Andy to go back to, even if I wanted. In my head, it still felt like a betrayal. But it wasn't. And Liam wasn't just anybody. He was a guy I had spent weeks talking to, getting to know, and although he looks different, he is still acting as I had expected. I saw a potential future here. Did I really want to let my past ruin it?

I cleared my throat and stood up, preparing myself to see the horror that looked back at me. Ugh, it wasn't great. My eyeliner had given me panda eyes, and the tears had created streaks down my cheeks.

Getting a tissue and blew my nose, and decided there was nothing else for it, I washed my makeup off my face. I avoided washing my eye makeup off though, that was a mess I just didn't have the products for, so I just wiped under my eyes and cleaned it up. I binned my tissues, washed my hands, took a few more deep breaths and prepared myself to face Liam.

I opened the door and walked straight into something solid that made me bounce back into the bathroom like a tennis ball. Hands caught me before I hit the floor, and I found myself in Liam's arms.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" He asked.

"No," I was flustered again. I spent all that time calming down to just be in a state two seconds later. "I just didn't expect you to be outside the door. Jesus, you're like a brick shit house."

Liam didn't laugh. "I was worried about you."

"I'm fine," I lied.

Liam didn't look convinced. He let me go and ran a hand through his hair. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now."

Liam nodded. "I'll get you that Uber." He pulled his phone out.

That's it then. All in all, it wasn't the worst date I'd been on since Andy died. Actually, it was probably the best. Liam, at least, was a guy I was attracted to and didn't appear to be a man child. He seemed to like me, even when I cried over another man. Although I doubt Liam knew that's why I was crying. I had told him I was married before and he had died, but that was only once and a long time ago, and we hadn't discussed it again.

The tears had done their job, and a calmness came over me now. I had said goodbye to Andy, and I was ready to take that last step to move on. That was why I started to date again; to open my heart, I was ready.

I put my hand on Liam's wrist, "if you still want me to, I'd like to stay."

"Are you sure? I probably shouldn't have asked in the first place. I let my other head think for me." Though I laughed at his candid admission, Liam's face was serious. "I'm not joking. I want you, and I didn't think about how you must be feeling. The whole fake profile thing must still be weighing on your mind. And all of the other problems that go along with being with me. You should have more time to think about it."

And my dead husband, let's not forget that. I didn't say that out loud, thank God. "I will have time to think about it. But right now, I want..." Shit. I've gone shy again. Just fucking tell him you want him too! "I mean, can't we just have a bit of a cuddle and a snog?"

Liam's lips twitched as he tried to suppress a smile, "a cuddle and a snog?"

I nodded.

Smiling, Liam put his phone back in his pocket. "I think I can arrange that."

Without further warning, Liam grabbed my wrists in one hand and pinned them to the wall above my head. His other hand snaked around my waist, holding me to him, his hips rolling into mine. His eyes were fierce and focused on mine. I  closed my eyes, the sensations too much, and my breath quickened.

I heard Liam say through gritted teeth, "It's taken everything I had not to do this to you since I saw you at the bar. I wanted to take you then and there." His voice seemed to ease, the words coming easier for him. "You don't know how much I've wanted to touch you. To know you are real." Then he whispered, "and you are. Real. You're as beautiful tonight as you were in your pictures."

I opened my eyes and found Liam staring at me, and his intensity was nearly frightening. He pulled me tighter against himself, his fingertips digging into me while he crushed me against his body. I felt his hardness against my hip, and I couldn't stop myself from rubbing against it. This time Liam closed his eyes, and I felt the rush of blood to my centre.

Liam opened his eyes, desire naked on his face, "Kiss me," he said.

I met his soft and warm lips. I felt Liam's groan rumble in his vast chest, and kissing him again, my lips scraped against his whiskers. Liam kissed me back now. His tongue pushed past my lips, and found mine. His tongue playfully danced in my mouth. Liam's hand left my arse and started to feel my hips, my waist and then my breasts. He cupped them and gently squeezed. My breath caught as his hand skimmed past my nipple. His palm created friction against the lace of my bra, and tingles radiated through my body.

His lips left mine and went to my neck. He kissed and sucked at me, moving down to the top of my breasts. I heard him take a deep breath into my chest as his cheeks rubbed against my skin. His kisses became harder against my chest and moved back up to my neck, his teeth nipping at me as he went. Even though he had me captured, I wriggled against him, my hips moved uncontrollably, my breath uneven and weak.

Liam pulled away, still firmly gripping one of my hands. "Come with me." Liam led me to the lift.

"Where are we going?"

"To my bedroom." I pulled against him, forcing him to stop. "Sweetheart, I promise I won't fuck you until you ask."

My legs turned to jelly. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg despite my reservations. I nodded and followed Liam into the lift.

Part 4

[bigskydreaming]

Hey, any comic recs to ensure that I get Dick Grayson character right? Other batfam included, if you're willing. I'm trying to make sure I don't write a character completely ooc, because that drives me up the WALL when I read that. However, since I dubbed you the #1 Dick Grayson person, I thought I'd ask you to make sure I do him justice rather than a smear campaign or something lol! Thanks! ALSO TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THE TITANS SHOW! That's all xD

LOL thanks I appreciate it, but while I’m good for the rants, for actual comics recs I would go to the likes of @northoftheroad, @hood-ex, and @nightwingmyboi because they’re a lot better than I am at knowing where to find specific stuff and comprehensive reading lists! I tend to jump all over the place in terms of my go-to comics for Dick.....I’m always on about Robin: Year One but I’m like eh Nightwing: Year One is pretty trash tbh. I prefer pre-Flashpoint continuity overall but I did enjoy some of the early Nightwing Rebirth stuff and before that the pre-Forever Evil New 52 stuff had some good beats. But for the most part, my favorite Dick Grayson tends to be him as a member of teams like the Titans....he shines most in ensembles, I think, because his strengths ultimately are that like...he gets people, he knows how people work, and he knows how to get the most out of the people he’s with, how to make people gel and get in sync and become more than just the sum of their parts.

(Speaking of nightwingmyboi, haven’t seen them posting in awhile, anyone know what they’re up to? Hope everything’s okay!)

Which brings me to the problems with the Titans show. There’s a lot I like about it - Anna Diop and Ryan Potter in particular - and a lot I was never gonna like about it - I’m heavy on the Ugh why must Dick Grayson be a cop ever why is that a thing make it stop. And so while I don’t think Brenton Thwaites does like, a bad job with the role or anything, there was always kinda a ceiling on how attached to or invested in his take on the character I was ever gonna reach.

But Season 2. Oof. Let’s talk about Season 2, and how so many of the problems with it are identical to the problems that surround Dick in the comics, but also aren’t limited to just his character or DC and just as equally show up in all kinds of media. Like, I could have (and probably did) offer an identical rant about the role of Scott McCall in TW’s S5.

The problem is one I’ve kinda taken to calling in my head “The Ensemble Lone Wolf Effect.”

This is when writers have a character they nominally want to be part of an ensemble....but that they repeatedly go back to the well of “this character should however spend most of their time on their own, or are more natural on their own, or just wants to be on their own, or also sometimes they just deserve to be on their own cuz they suck for Reasons we decline to specify.”

But its that thing of wanting it both ways....believing a character honestly NEEDS to be a loner or off on their own for the sake of their story, but also still wanting to utilize them as part of an ensemble, not willing to actually MAKE them a solo character, and so it kinda creates this never-ending feedback loop wherein they pay lip service to the character being part of an ensemble, but that’s never really on display, which creates a lot of unnecessary conflict among characters that’s to NONE of their benefits.

(And honestly in the comics, you could apply this to pretty much all the Batfam at times...not just Dick. They do it with Bruce ALL the time, they’re doing it with Damian right now, did it with Tim with Red Robin, Jason most of the time he’s not with the Outlaws and Cass most of the time she’s not with Babs or Steph or the Outsiders. As well as Babs herself at times).

Basically what I’m talking about here is like....so much of the drama in S2....and specifically the parts that most every fan I saw had issues with....came about not organically, because it made sense for the characters to behave that way, but solely in order to launch a specific plot, that the writers clearly wanted for S2:

And that was Dick Grayson off on his own, at his lowest, facing his demons on a solo journey of self-discovery the writers clearly deemed necessary before he could find himself as Nightwing and rise to his most heroic self.

Now the thing is....this isn’t inherently a bad plot or a problem. The problem lies in how they went about it.

Because rather than looking at the overall story and saying okay, that’s what we want to do with Dick Grayson, that’s what we want for HIS story, now how do we get that and where do we take it from there, rather than looking at that as just a STARTING point, and engineering a plot that grows OUT of that.....

The writers just started out by viewing that as an ENDPOINT, and reverse engineered a way to get Dick TO that point first and foremost....at the expense of so many characters who then basically turned on him and held him solely responsible for the things many of them also had a hand in....purely to get him off on his own and isolated.

But that was never necessary!

Because Dick’s character contains multitudes when it comes to guilt and self-blame, everyone knows that. He never needed anyone else to blame him for what happened to Joey because he blamed himself. So the second they conceived of the plot “Slade wants revenge for something Dick at least blames himself for”.....they had all the ingredients needed for Dick to decide proactively that the best way to protect everyone was to put distance between him and them, that he should try and hunt down Slade on his own, solve this between just the two of them.

And that should have been the STARTING point, for that narrative journey of self-exploration, not that journey resulting as an ENDPOINT in and of itself from Dick being FORCED into a kind of isolation by the others all blaming him.

Because now see what ripple effects result:

Now, the other characters are just as able to focus on their own individual storylines as they were in the show, with the additional concern of wanting to ACTUALLY find Dick and figure out what’s going on with him or tell him they still want to help....without this in any way needing to distract them from their own storylines, practically speaking, or cut into Dick’s narrative alone-time, because as part of the equation you ALSO have Slade, who has his own wants and agendas, not to mention tactics. And Slade’s perfectly capable of and willing to work with others, or utilize the long game, or engage in a game of cat and mouse as a distraction...there are numerous ways that you could engineer a plot FROM these motivations that allows him to keep the rest of the Titans distracted and even targeted individually, without allowing them to group back up with Dick or Dick to even know that they’re in danger and that his attempts to avoid that backfired.

You want the characters isolated and divided? The PLOT can do that for you. You don’t need the characters to do that to themselves.

IMO, most if not all stories are meant to advance characters, first and foremost. Take Characters A-Z and leave them different from how you found them. Move them to a different position in their lives as much as anything else, from where they began. The goal is character DEVELOPMENT.

What this means, in my book, is that the plot should serve the characters, NOT the other way around. The plot should grow FROM the characters and what they would or would not do....the characters should never have to be forced to FIT INTO a plot.

That’s backwards.

There shouldn’t be any need to reverse engineer a certain starting point, characterwise.

Just like....start the plot, plotwise....and from the moment you first introduce a single plot element, prioritize how would the characters react and BUILD from there.

The only engineering you should need to do is how to get to an eventual END point....which is still all about the forward momentum, not backing your way into anything.

Its one thing to have an endgoal for your plot, a point in character or narrative development that you want characters to reach. But its all about perspective. About keeping that what you’re working towards rather than something that you like, have to reach before you can even really BEGIN.

Which is what Titans S2 did. The real GOAL of the season in terms of Dick’s storyline, was his solo journey of self-discovery. But there’s a million different ways they could have LAUNCHED that journey, without it having to be the forced and contrived outcome of events and character decisions that literally only existed to initiate a journey that never required a forced initiation.

And so all this narrative energy gets utterly wasted and expended on stuff that it just flat out doesn’t need to be spent on in the first place....instead of just putting that same energy to use building forward-facing storylines for ALL the characters, that don’t require contrived spats of disharmony when the goal of such moments isn’t even the disharmony but rather just that they’re kept apart, the end RESULT of the disharmony.

Imagine what S2 could have built if instead of wasting time, characterization and energy on getting to a point they could have simply started from if they’d simply looked at it that way and chosen to just....start. If they’d applied all that to building across the board, everyone’s story in service to their own character first and foremost, no tangled feedback loops making characters regress or cycle through the same behavior or narrative positionings over and over again in order to not get in each other’s way or cross paths at a time when the show didn’t want them to cross paths....because rather than make all these characters work at cross purposes, they’re all on the same page, they still want the same things....you’re simply engineering from their own natural characterizations and organic decisions and reactions, ways the PLOT can be utilized as a TOOL, to keep them moving forward in their own respective chapters, WITHOUT their characters having to be bent out of their natural shapes or forced into niches that don’t really suit them, just to keep them, PREVENT them, from more naturally or organically making a choice or action that would ‘get in the way’ of the plot.

Bottom line......the plot is supposed to be there to advance the characters, because the characters are what we come to stories for. The characters are who we invest in, relate to, ROOT for.

The characters aren’t there to advance the plot. We’re not here to yell yeah, I really hope the writers do whatever it takes with characters, no matter how backwards or unnatural it seems, just to get that sweet sweet and oh so specific ending we want that is in no way dependent on how invested or not we ACTUALLY are in the characters by the time it arrives, in order for it to actually be effective or not!

Lol. Y’know?

So yeah, that’s my biggest gripe with Titans so far. I’m still eager to see what happens between Kory and her sister, and although I’m not thrilled it seems to be becoming Batfam Straight Outta Gotham rather than like, Titans: The Show, I admit I am curious about what take they’ll go with for Babs. As I still pretty vividly recall that weird as hell Birds of Prey show the CW or UPN or WB or whatever it was at the time did for one season, where Babs was honestly not terribly adapted despite the show otherwise bearing like, zero in common with any existing DC property or character (do not even get me STARTED on their takes on Dinah and Helena, no, blehrrible, those were bad, those were like super bad)....anyway, I’m kinda curious even if it wouldn’t have been my choice for what direction the show should take. Not that I have a specific one in mind, just, yeah. And I also kinda would not hate if we got a new Roy Harper now, to replace the not!Roy of Arrow, because I don’t know him, no seriously, who is that, its not Roy Harper.

[me-on-set]

Harrowingly Strange

When was the last time you had to face a moral dilemma? I am still reeling. I actually just got home. I think I invented a new selfie style. I wanted to take a photo of my makeup on and off.

As I currently write this, I am not an actor but instead have been doing background work for the past year. I've occasionally been a featured extra and was a body double once.

It's fascinating, seeing and doing the work that embodies being on set.

A couple of days ago, I received a message from a casting agency that had my headshot asking to submit my photo for a featured non-speaking role with a local production company. It was a one or two day shoot at $200 per day. I said yes and I got the gig.

When you are cast, you get an email the night before with details about the set location, start time, special instructions, and wardrobe. This show I booked was for a reenactment TV series about real world events. The exciting news was that this particular episode revolved around a crisis that occurred in my parents' homeland. I was to play someone at home seeing the news on television, and then in a second scene complain to police of their incompetence. I was asked to bring leisure clothing one would wear at home.

When I first started being an extra, I would bring my clothes in a backpack, trying really hard not to care too much. That behavior did not last. I found my interest stumbling forward into a natural evolution. I started taking luggage to neatly carry my wardrobe options. I found that I would mostly get cast as a mid-30's businessman. This led me to comfortably bring my outfits in a garment bag. It's funny how familiarity can grow your views.

For today, I packed shorts, sweatpants, t-shirts, a hoodie, a pair of runners, and a pair of flip flops. I got these flip flops during my last vacation with my mom overseas in her hometown. I also brought some henley shirts and arrived on set in khakis and a short-sleeved polo because there was also a mention of button-ups being an option.

The majority of work involved as an extra is waiting. It's a good idea to bring a book, although in this day and age, occupying oneself with a smart phone is a much more fulfilling time killer. I didn't end up using any of the clothes I had brought except for my belt and my runners. After my hair and makeup were done I decided to satisfy my curiosity by searching keywords of this specific production. I searched the name of the character I was to reenact. Adding quotations to strict strings of words, I had soon discovered the event I was going to portray. This was when my moral dilemma began.

I was born and raised in North America by immigrant parents who arrived in their early 20's. The typical experiences had by people of color paint a relatively positive mural that represents my upbringing. Having visited my ethnic country many times throughout my life, I felt, and still feel, a deep connection to the motherland. This connection is common for others like myself, powered by identity in a time where life will sometimes present it as a limitation. Conversely, this only strengthens cultural pride.

The role I was to play was an international representing their countrymen against the very country I identify with. Pangs of uneasiness flooded my body. There was another featured role performer who had an earlier call time. We sat together in the holding area. He was cast to play the part of a family member learning the news of the event. What surprised me more was the fact that he was a recent immigrant from my country of ethnicity. Us both, cast in roles of coincidental conflict of interest?

When it comes to acting, the only other time I recall having feelings of apprehension was during a big budget movie filmed in a church. I was a church goer among a sea of church goers seated in church pews. We were instructed to portray the enjoyment of a church service. Some of us were selected to stand and sway to the Christian music. Some had their eyes closed, head tilted to the ceiling, palms facing up to the heavens. As easy a physical task that is, I instead opted to clap along to the band and pretend to really feel the sounds of my favorite music. I know it's just acting but I was driven by the thought of my mom seeing me do anything other than that on camera. So, I coursed the music through my veins. I know the history of the band members, the albums, this music moves me, pretend.

I received my paperwork and read it over a cup of coffee from craft services. It was standard paperwork that I've filled out over a dozen times before. I looked at the inviting exit door. I was parked right outside. This is not that big of a deal, is it? I imagined this TV episode making its way to the news overseas, the citizens all over the world deeming me a traitor for perpetuating a negative image, not merely through action but through representation against them. Against us. Am I selling out? For two hundred bucks?

I thought about getting up and leaving. I thought about all of the hard work that people have put into this specific production. If you haven't been behind the scenes before, it is quite the trip. An assortment of heavy duty cables line the floors, taped in place. Racks of props in designated areas. The backstage crew zip around in sync, bursting with walkie-talkie sounds and hollers of instruction. There is a commonality in the many interactions, their minds tuned into the goal meant to be achieved. This is their career.

This is my hobby. I am a prop. Would leaving this put a blemish on my record in the local film community, or the film industry as a whole, because I wasted everyone's time being sensitive? As I languished, I get a message from my best friend and I tell him I'm on set. I tell him:

For some reason, that makes me feel better. I just might be able to work with that mentality. The other guy has finished. He returns his wardrobe and collects his belongings. I ask him if he knows what this show is about. We speak in our language among the English-speakers. I ask him if he thinks people back home are going to be mad at us. I ask him if he knew we were going to be doing this. He seems ok with it all. He said he was there during the actual event. He's new to the industry. We laugh about how we can pass as different races. This is his first time being on camera. He said he enjoyed the experience. I ask him if he'll continue. He said yes. I hope he does.

Finally, wardrobe is set and I am wearing a navy blue golf shirt and some gray slacks. I want to feel good, like the other times I've worked. How can I get that feeling? They're calling me on set. They adjust the lighting while I sit in front of the camera. A fog machine fills the mock living room belonging to my character. When the camera rolls, there is a fake TV in front of me that I am to watch casually at first and then grow increasingly interested as the live footage I am pretending to watch unfolds. I am supposed to build up into a frustration with the host country. My country. As I understand it, the real guy is being interviewed and I am the reenactment; the illustration of his side of the story. I do the scene. Twice. Filming took less than 5 minutes total. The whole time I was thinking about my mom. I can remember it still, a few hours ago today, the director describing the gradual transpiring of the footage to guide me. To help me see a reason to be frustrated on camera. It wasn't helping. It's not his fault. I don't think it's anyone's fault. I don't think they even knew why I would be uncomfortable. I don't think they knew much about the countries involved in the event. They even spelled the city name wrong. I don't even think the takes were that bad.

I wish it wasn't about my country. If it were different, I feel like I could have given more - like I had done at the church.

It's unsettling to perform make-believe, but for myself I have managed to apply a mental exercise that immerses me into a character; to actually be the person. The trick is to relate. To tie the emotion to a real memory and relive it. If it had only been about another country, I'm sure I would have enjoyed the process a lot more.

I'm writing this and I was hoping it would help me shake away this dread. Thoughts of regret imagining if I had only researched the keywords sooner. Maybe I would have cancelled. But that wouldn't have been better. I would be blacklisted and never cast as another role again. Or maybe I'm being dramatic. Hey, that's good for this line of work, right?

I honestly hope the final cut looks great. This is the biggest role I've ever been in. They gelled my hair funny like a nerd, I had on large framed glasses, just like the portrayed, and they put makeup on my upper lip to hide my dark, clean-shaven stubble.

When I got home, before I washed my makeup off, I took a before and after mirror selfie because my face looked comedically smooth. Taking the pictures reminded me of when I was sipping coffee in the holding area. I had taken pictures of my paperwork. I remember my mind racing. The feeling was like gathering license plates and insurance information after a collision. You know, just in case I have to stand trial, my cultural membership in jeopardy. I can review my situation with a lawyer to see what I can and can not say during a variety show interview that is getting my side of the story after viral, captioned screenshots of me flood the internet with embarrassing memes, stamped into history. Jesus Christ, that would be the worst. Here I go again with extreme maybes. It's an entertaining curse that I will forever be engulfed in my own hypothetical torture.

Anyway, here's that selfie I invented:

Yeah my bathroom mirrors are dirty.

I can't wait for my next job that I can cleanse my palate with. I really hope I can accept today as purely an actor's portrayal, and not a turncoat betrayal. This can't be my last go at acting. I ate some of my country's food for supper. I feel a bit better. I'm wearing a shirt that is emblazoned with our country's sports hero.

I have always been excited to see the final release of a production I am in, except for this one now. Uncontrollably, my perverse curiosity into the film world is only strengthening, so I don't think even the worst thoughts can slow my future participation. The silver lining is that the uncomfortable bar is set to a new level. I could reenact a murderous deviant now without batting a moral eyelash, I like to think. All for the sake of film.

- WSS, February 8, 2019

[dxmedstudent]

Heya, can I confess something? I'm a nursing student but I'm afraid I've got hepatitus C from my mother. In my country it's somethig horribe to have, even thou my mother is not an addict and might just got it throu opperation as a kid or blood transfusion. I haven't been tested, private is too expensive, and nobody does a good job at regulal health care place. If I have it, I don't want everyone to know, I would just silently leave. I'm panicking, I have no other study options at this point!

Hi, thanks for writing in. Of course you can get it off your chest, if you wish. It sounds like you’re going through something really scary, and I can understand why you feel really stuck.  I had a relatively low risk needlestick injury a while back, and it left me reflecting a lot about how particular infections would affect my work. I’m really sorry your mum has hep C; a lot of people around the world have caught it through reused equipment at hospitals, infected blood transfusions, sex with a partner who didn’t know they had it, etc; there can be lots of causes that aren’t addiction, and even if it was from addiction, that doesn’t make someone a bad person. I have a good family friend who got it from a blood transfusion many years ago, for example. And regardless of the cause, it’s irrelevant; they still deserve to be treated well.Hep C is no longer an incurable disease, there are now drugs that can cure it with a short course. But it is hard to treat if you don’t have the money for the treatment. The cost of treatment somewhere like India is much, much cheaper and more readily available than in many Western countries (so I’ve heard that people from lots of countries shop around for it), but those costs can still be a lot if you are poor. I know that you mention nobody does a good job at a standard health centre, but I think that getting tested there is better than nothing? The risks of not knowing, and potentially living with an untreated unknown disease that you could pass on to patients, lovers and children. You don’t have to make any sudden moves, but it’s not a decision you can put off forever. It could affect a lot of areas of your life and put lots of people you love at risk if you do. You’d probably eventually want to be sexually active or have kids, or work with patients, and then it’d affect people other than you. I have to tell you that you should get tested; not only is that important for you, but for your future patients, too. Right now, it’s probably a huge cause of anxiety for you; that will never go away if you don’t know. Perhaps you don’t have hep C; wouldn’t it be a massive weight off your chest if you knew what for a fact? It sounds like you don’t know when exactly she got infected, and it’s not guaranteed for certain that it was passed on to you.  If you do have it, then knowing about it gives you a chance to plan for the future. Perhaps you could save up for treatment (I don’t know much about where you are, how much the costs there, how much your family earns etc, so it may not be possible, but it’s something tthat should be a priority if at all possible.And thinking about how it’s affecting you; if you practice as a nurse without treatment, you could risk exposing your patients to infection, and the same problems that you yourself are facing.  It’s not ethical to practice exposure prone procedures with an active communicable blood-borne infection, because it might result in patients catching it just like your mum did. I know you know this, and I know the position you are in is not easy for you. You usually don’t need to tell all your colleagues if you’re positive, but the relevant department wherever you worked or studied would have to usually know, and advise accordingly. If you worked there, someone would usually have to know, legally speaking. If you’re not working in a clinical setting, and not working with patients, then it’d be a different story; but I can’t advise on the legalities of who you have to tell. This differs a lot between places, and honestly you’d need local legal advice to know what your rights are, and what you are expected to do legally. Does your university have any resources like that for students?If the worst comes to the worst, and you do have hep C, but it’s not possible to get treatment, then I wonder if you could look at non-clinical roles in nursing? Like teaching, lecturing, things that don’t require you to get near patients with needles and potentially cause the risk of infection. I don’t know if you could talk to your university about non-clinical or non-exposure prone roles, without raising suspicions, but that might be a good place to start. Perhaps if you worked in  a non-riskyjob role that didn’t put patients at risk until you could afford treatment, it might help keep you financially afloat so you could save up for treatment. It’s easy for me to advise getting tested or getting treatment; I don’t have any idea of where you are, how much it costs, or how you could afford it. And I know that’s not fair and it’s not helpful; I’m truly sorry that I can’t be of practical use.I wish I could make things better; I really do. I wish you all the best, and whe you do get tested, I hope the result is the best possible one. My heart really goes out to you, I wish you weren’t stuck in such a hard place.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Some of us don't have grandparents.

So, listen to Nana as she speaks with her comfort and understanding care and love.

She speaks to us all from her heart with love.

I am quite sure she is worried about us all in this world.

If you don't know she took the throne during WWII after her father died. He had only one lung. And she was only 18.

So, she understands the complete hardship of losing a dearly loved one then having to not only keep herself reigned in emotionally but also have to care for many nations.

At the young bright age she was... Still a child in so many ways. Having to be the most wise of all as Queen.

She understands the pain and suffering the Earth will go through.

I will not speak for her and say she knows its for the best. But she does understand war. And WWII was about human trafficking. Aliens are about human trafficking. And I would say if i did speak for her as i understand she understands that many people are innocent of crimes. And she definitely understands that not all of us humans are criminals. Because she is wise. And she is kind. And she is loving.

I know she understands we are in sensitive time for our emotional well being.

I found comfort in her message.

While I do not display it often as I am a Fighter, this is difficult for me. Staying home is a breeze but watching the world around me... Its difficult... It could be So much easier. I don't want to use force except to rescue victims

But it is complex when hospitals are creating their own victims by working as they do -- to save lives. That is why I said what I did as I did. Had I not y'all wouldn't had taken it to heart So deeply. I hope y'all are listening and are stopping through ventilators. Because the longer they are used the longer we are prisoners in our own homes.

It is the hospitals that are in control of this war. If protocol to prescribe bronchitis medication for people wanting to be treated for COVID then sending them home and allowing law enforcement to take over to remove bodies or whatever protocol is set for each particular city then we will be stuck at home forever.

Places like Roswell, New Mexico. Unfortunately have a high alien body count and they were initially idealised the,families would have to remove the bodies of the dead themselves and take them to a parking lot where a freezer truck was waiting. I knew with my back it would be impossible to,carry a man on my own even putting him on a blanket to,drag him would hurt me, a human. At that time i was married to an alien from Planet long name Z not Zulululu. And so they decided "If Queen should define it a hardship for her then we must define it a hardship for the whole world. Her ruling. We will use the Military" it took 10 minutes to decide.

They wanted to yet not quite punish humans who support alien life by marriage or friendship.

So that is on my mind often. Especially with the hospital staff.

What I posted about Pakistan from ABC something similar will occur inside hospitals when the Military is directed to take over hospitals by force.

I alluded to that fact. So y'all must stop catering to alien and evil human life. You must.

I've said it at least 3 times this week. I'm warning you

I'm not asking. I'm warning you. You have to stop.

I know by the end of April if it is continuing -- the extra care for aliens. The time spent when you could be doing something Completely different -- Like taking care of you Or your family or a DNA4U friend listed personnel for your livelihood, health and well being or being happy and well rested -- the Military will take over to ensure that.

It could occur sooner.

Yes torturing evil is great. But far too many are being treated and released which means that the bronchial care should have been done, the patient sent home to activate family So the family can die together to reunite on their Home Planet within an acceptable time frame.

Plus some are not to be tortured on the respirators or ventilators.

You see the prolonging of this event Is based on healthcare actions.

All that is allowed to be prescribed is an inhaler for cough because coughing causes pain. Aspirin for migraines and other assorted pain which replaces the need for cocaine to think regularly on their own like planet Mount Zulululu.

That's it. Its low cost and in stock for high demand.

Since I'm telling you over and over. Today is April 7. I give you 13 days.

It should take no less than 4 to see a difference in hospitals and their adjustments and so the Military is then only responsible to take away full trucks of dead.

4 days. That's it. Administration has the information.

Its Tuesday. By Saturday y'all should got this down. That gives you 9 days to say "military, we're ok we got it now, we just need a hug."

I think that's fair.

Luckily I own Earth. Because the solution I heard was to blow up hospitals with everyone including nurses inside.

I said "let the Military. We will clean them up first Then they will be clean enough to be suitable for hospitals and will maintain quality as they are more qualified for warfare than nurses and doctors whom don't expect to be on the front lines of WWIII"

Now the Military will come in and they will rescue all victims of WWIII front line for a 3 week paid by "me" vacation of time and a half. Including administration.

The Times for vacation do vary. And metropolitan areas will go first.

Now essential employees at stores and restaurants, hang on. We're coming for you. You'll take your turn. Same. 3 weeks. But double and a half pay. Because some of you only make $2.37 per hour.

Believe it or not y'all Sonic gets away with paying car hops only $2.37 and assistant managers make only $12 per hour. I'm not kidding. Its a dam shame. My cousins son I post with in Insta. His name is also Alex. Started working there at 17. I took him to his job on his first day. Started at $2.37 worked his way up to assistant manager. Been there 3 years. Sometimes he doesn't have a day off for weeks and that was how he earned assistant manager.

Everyone complains about money. Don't compare yourself to the person next to, in front of or behind you. Be grateful for what you have.

We aren't here to drink the alien juice of negativity.

Those of you whom are stuck at home just testing with Trees. You'll earn 50% more.

So if I give you $5 on it. Youll get half plus the amount. So that is $7.50 I'll still only say five because then if i simply say $7.50 then it's gonna be 50% on top... So no. I'm told it will start this week's test and continue for 3 weeks. So for three next 3 tests. Then stop after the 3rd test. And also any payments between this weekend's test and the 3rd will be 50%

Trees may Easter Egg surprise you with double payments for every one. Don't go hunting tho, he will just give it to Yall.

So that is 1.5 times two for stay homes and 1 times two for essential employees.

So that's a payment that is overall times 3 for stay homes and then 2x for going outers. Tree says that those who are not behaving for a stay homer will be times 2. Not 3.

Like store trips everyday or seeing aliens and not admitting to it. Stuff like that. So that's only for Easter Egg. All else is standard.

So y'all apparently know already about that -- that he works that way i mean...

That's all i have for now.

Enjoy Nana's message.

[symbianosgames]

Chicago's own NetherRealm Studios is best known for its work on the long-running fighting game series Mortal Kombat, but in the space between Kombat outings the studio has also tried its hand at other projects.

One of those ventures, the 2013 DC Comics tie-in fighting game Injustice: Gods Among Us,  seems to have done well enough for the studio that it's now poised to release a sequel next year. But Injustice 2 is interesting from a game developer's perspective because it takes an established fighting game chassis (based upon the Mortal Kombat games) and bolts on an item system that players can use to change the way their characters work.

In brief, players basically get loot drops at the end of every match that they can then choose to equip on characters in their roster (everyone from Aquaman to Wonder Woman), changing those characters' stats. It's not totally unheard for a fighting game to include items that change characters' stats (see Street Fighter x Tekken's "Gems" system) but it is rare, and notoriously tricky to pull off without upsetting the game's balance.

NetherRealm's Adam Urbano served as lead producer on the original Injustice, and he's reprising his role for the sequel. At E3 this week, Urbano chatted with Gamasutra a bit about why, exactly, NetherRealm is making another Injustice game and what he's learned about how to build a balanced, tournament-grade fighting game.

Why are you making Injustice 2? What shortcomings did you see in the first game?

Urbano: One of the things is, we wanted the game to be accessible. We wanted Injustice to be something casual people could jump in and play. Thats why you saw the environments and the interactions and a lot of the one-button things you could do that just looked powerful. Unfortunately, it's extra difficult in just the short amount of time in the [training] mode in Injustice to really get good at things. So the gear system is a fundamental redesign to address things like that.

The goal is that you start out with a much more accessible easier-to-play character, and then you're going to grow with that character, over weeks and weeks and weeks if you choose, giving you a chance to customize it and make it play the way you want it. Actually getting to learn how to play, as well. Instead of just presenting you with 26 or so completed characters from the start, this is 26 sort of...character templates, for players to take and turn into what they want.

That sounds incredibly tricky to balance.

You correctly identified the core issue: we've been working on it for years. Throughout development of Injustice 1, really, because that's when we started thinking about how to do this. So this has been in development for a long time. You can expect a sort of arena system, like you'd see in something like a MOBA, that will give players a chance to use the gear but still keep everything balanced.

So balancing really involves the modes, the gear itself, and then making sure the changes players can do with gear and acquiring specials and all that are balanced. To do that, we have a dedicated little team that focuses on the tournament crowd. Because we love them; it's part of our studio culture at this point. And it's really hard, it's our great challenge.

Wait, how did studying MOBA design influence this game's development?

I think MOBAs, RPGs, this is a game where we've looked at all the genres we love to play and tried to integrate the elements in a way that makes sense for a fighting game, for the first time.

How do you adapt those elements to a fighting game?

So, itemization. It became something that....we had to hire experts, and it's really a core piece of the game and a whole new skillset.

Let's circle back to the tournament crowd for a minute. What is it, do you think, that defines a tournament-grade fighting game?

I think it has to be easy to learn and take a lifetime to master. I know that's kind of a platitude, but for the most part it's...can I get in there, can I learn my specials, can I beat up on somebody, if I I'm new to the genre. And then as I go, can I learn some of the enhanced moves, things like footsies, and other advanced elements of the game that probably mean nothing to most people.

One of our goals is to get people to learn and understand that throughout their play experience, so that they can do those sorts of things. Because there are a ton of people that play our games that don't know it's there, and we spend years designing all these intricate details that are so fun once you get them. But we have to start teaching people that they're there. We have to give people progression.

How do you ease players into the deeper intricacies of your fighting game, as a developer?

So...it's time. Time is the variable we've never had before. We've tried training modes, as many have; we've tried many different things, as many other developers have. But we tend to be asking people to go into a separate mode, that's typically a short experience, to learn to play, and then we say "okay now here's the actual game."

So with Injustice 2 we'ev taken that time variable away and we're designing it so that people can play characters for weeks, through all sorts of different single-player and multiplayer experiences, and you'll progress. You'll be able to try out different things. You'll be able to spend the time that other genres give you to train, finally, in the fighting genre. Without the time, it's a very hard problem to bring players up speed on a decade of evolution in the fighting game genre.

Fair enough. What's one key piece of advice you'd give to fellow developers looking to build a great fighting game?

My generic answer is risk. One of the things that developers tend to do, as time passes, is assume things are the ways they need to be and never go back and rethink them. A good example of that is like, holding back to block in the first Injustice. It was unthinkable for us at the time; it seemed so weird for us!

Yeah, if you're coming from Mortal Kombat you're supposed to have a block button.

Right! And so that was a decision where we said okay we've done this forever, let's change it up. And that worked out, so on Injustice 2 we were like okay, anyone who makes assumptions on this team, you have to go take a time out and come back. Because everything is up for debate. So we started talking about things like back to block, that came up again, but also things like the new tech roll, how and why we wanted characters to evolve. Every single thing in a fighting game, we went back and said...do we have to have blocking? Do we have to have running? What do we have to have? And then we rebuilt from there.

That sounds like it could turn into a self-destructive loop at some point. Like, you have to eventually ask yourself what you're even making.

Yeah. Well, it is Injustice, to begin with. So we wanted to have similar gameplay: transitions, super moves, all those core elements. Because those are the things people loved, when we went back and looked at it.

But to be a fighting game, competitively, really what you need are: the basic attacks, two people one on one, with semi-equal health bars. And we did experiments from there. And at the end of the day we still loved how Injustice played, but we wanted to incorporate an entire new overarching system that kind of tweaks and pokes and changes all that basic stuff.

So if there really were no sacred cows during development, you must have been trying to distill the core elements of a fighting game. Why add in a whole new overarching system of gear?

The item system is essentially choice. In a fighting game, people always ask "what's the roster?" It's a valid question, but in this particular instance it's way more than that. There's the roster, but it's more than that: it's your roster. Batman could play a million different ways -- with some balance built into the overall equation -- so if you love Batman, you could just play Batman a million different ways, forever. Characters have completely different gear, different styles, different classes.

Seems like a handful of god-tier builds would bubble to the top. How do you keep players from clustering around a small number of optimal builds?

We have a balance team for that. We're also going to have a live team in place, and their job is to sit there throughout the lifespan of the game and do nothing but work with pro players, listen to the community, and make adjustments on the fly.

So we've actually increased the frequency with which we can update, even from what we could do with Mortal Kombat X, so we can make changes to these thousands and thousands of pieces of gear, the special abilities, and so forth. 

We're at a point now where microtransactions and post-launch DLC are an expected part of big-budget game design. How do you balance a gear-based fighting game, knowing you might add additional paid gear options down the road?

The idea is the game is going to have thousands, tens of thousands, of pieces of gear on disc at launch. The thing we've always done is try and get as much content as humanly possible, up until the last second we have to submit. So at this point, we're not even thinking about that sort of microtransaction DLC stuff. There's going to be enough content. There's stuff to level up, change your character, customize your build, for weeks and weeks and weeks.