#I spent literally all of today and last night working on this. good god

[kideternity]

[Image ID: A trio of coloured and sketchily inked digital drawings of digimon characters Justimon, Starmon and Superstarmon. It’s a long vertical composition with Starmon at the bottom, Superstarmon in the middle and Justimon at the top. Starmon is a silver star shaped humanoid with blue eyes wearing large indigo boxing gloves and boots which have a golden star symbol on them, a tattered yellow scarf, with black straps on its arms and legs, and a red gem in the middle of its top point. Superstarmon is the same, except it is golden, with a blue gem, and wearing black sunglasses, with tassels on its white gloves and instead of straps golden star symboled red stripes on its white arms and legs. It’s boots and scarf are also white and red respectively. Justimon is a superhero type humanoid with a large red scarf, whose wearing a silver helmet with long antenna and whose costume is bright blue, with various armour plating adorning the arms and chest and legs. It’s right arm is the blitz mode, and it has a belt with a red belt buckle. Starmon and Superstarmon are doing confident boxing poses facing the viewer, whilst Justimon is in a kickboxing pose with its right leg held up high, whilst looking to the side. The background is a dark blue with a simply drawn constellation and stars pattern. /End Image ID]

💫🌟 Ride on Shooting Star 🌟💫

[01zfan]

rainy day | l. at

ex!anton x reader | 5.8k words

anton brainrot is literally so real you guys im a victim.

contains: breaking up, resolution, oral (fem. receiving), missionary, soft dom anton if you squint, reader is a pillow princess (good for her)

it was one of the few days during summer where everyone stayed inside. the usual cool breeze that came with the season was replaced with harsh winds that could knock anyone over. the clear sky was replaced with clouds and soon a rain that threatened to flood your city would come. 

you loved when it rained. the inclement weather gave you an excuse to stay home and lay in bed all day. you wanted to use this day to recharge—your social battery had been running dangerously low since summer had started. you don’t know if it was because of your recent breakup and everyone taking pity on you but suddenly everyone had plans once it got warmer outside. it didn’t help that your roommate was a dj. giselle spent more time outside than in the apartment, various clubs being her place of work. and being giselle’s roommate came with its perks, you automatically getting to skip the lines to get in because you “know somebody”. you made it your personal mission to exercise this benefit almost every night.

being outside took your mind off the breakup. you couldn’t hear anton’s voice when music blasted in your ears or think about him when you were dancing around. you loved being out, but it started weighing heavy on your bones. between work and seeing your friends, you had been out almost everyday for the past month. you were grateful when you saw that a big storm was coming, like the weather gods wanted you to have a day off. 

you don’t remember the last time you were able to lay in bed past 10AM. you wanted to thank the rain that pelted your window and the wind that made your apartment building creak. because of it you got to be underneath the comfort of your sheets. giselle must’ve felt the same way, because this was the first time you had seen her in pajamas relaxing on the couch. you found her laying on the couch in the living room when you went to the kitchen to get some food.

“any plans for today?” you asked giselle sarcastically.

giselle laughed and looked from the television to you.

“probably gonna work on some mixes for upcoming sets.” giselle says. 

she turns back on her show and the sound of the television fills the room. you hum in acknowledgment as you open the fridge. you grab some leftovers to put in the microwave. after getting your food you head towards the couch and giselle lets her legs rest on the coffee table so you can sit down.

“grateful for a day off.” you sigh contently.

“oh i bet. you’re like a little party animal now.” giselle laughed.

you sat with giselle for a little bit before retiring back to your bed. giselle did the same as you about half an hour later. you could hear the television in the living room shut off followed by the sound of your roommate closing her door. soon after you could hear the low sound of music coming from giselle’s room as she went through several tracks.

you let yourself relax in bed as rain continued to fall. it came down sideways and in sheets, and you knew it would only be getting worse for the rest of the day. 

as you looked outside at the rain, it was hard to not start thinking about anton. when your mind got the chance to slow down, you couldn’t stop it from thinking about him. he loved when it rained too, and loved napping the day away with you too. you had stopped crying about the breakup a long time ago; you knew that first loves were meant to fail. but if you thought about anton for too long or how warm he always felt you could feel a hole start to form in your chest. so you did your best to clear your thoughts and treated the weather outside and giselle’s music as white noise before drifting to sleep.

anton was in your dreams often. you thought it was always unfair how he occupied your mind so heavily he managed to infiltrate your subconscious and dreams. after the breakup it only got worse. sometimes you would dream about him curled up next to you, getting up from the bed just to come right back to you. he would always snuggle into you closely and pull you into his chest. you would dream about him being the little spoon, laughing at how your arms wrapped around his large frame. you would dream about him turning you around to make you the little spoon, bringing a warm hand to trace shapes over your stomach. the mind was an evil thing. there were times when you would wake up in the middle of the night thinking it was real, that anton had come back to you in the middle of the night. but the vacant space on your bed was still empty and cold when you opened your eyes.

although it was painful dreaming about anton when he was no longer in your life, you truthfully wouldn’t have it any other way. you loved dreaming about you two laying on beds of gold or in a meadow running around in the tall grass. the dreams were usually pure and shrouded in a deeper meaning that you couldn’t decipher. but sometimes the dreams were less innocent. this time when you dreamed about anton you dreamed of him above you and panting into your ear while his strong chest was pressed against yours. you could hear the faintest whisper of his voice in your ear and you could see his wet hair sticking to his forehead. you dreamed about anton’s hands holding your hips down and you leaving marks down his back while you took all of him, his dangling chain above your eyes. just as your lips were reaching towards his ear to say something your brain suddenly woke you up, making you shoot up in your bed. 

it felt like you woke up from a nightmare the way your body felt all clammy. your chest heaved and you shot a quick look to the empty side of your bed. moving so suddenly didn’t help either and you could feel a headache coming on as your eyes adjusted to the darkness in your room. 

after gaining some of your bearings you reached to your bedside table to check the time on your phone. it was eight in the evening. giselle hadn’t stopped mixing her songs, music still coming from her room. you sighed and stretched, not sure how you felt about sleeping the whole day away. 

following the aftershocks of your dreams, it was impossible to not think about anton. you regretfully think about him, if he is sleeping right now or if he dreams of you the same way you dream of him. he’s only a phone call or a twenty minute walk in the rain away. you decide against it, the thought of not getting a response scares you away from your phone.

you get out of bed and stretch your limbs again, you can’t deny that the rest was much needed. maybe you would watch something and eat until you got tired again. it would give you time to process your dream, maybe if you thought about it enough you could have another one like that again. 

as you round the corner of you room to go into the kitchen you stop dead in your tracks.

you know it’s anton before he turns around. after spending so much time with him, you could probably identify him from his hair, or his voice. you see one of the most obvious of anton’s traits—his broad back that is covered with one of your towels. even if something covers his back you can tell it’s him by muscle memory, something you’re sure will never leave you. but you also know it’s him because who else would be sitting at your kitchen island this late at night. you still can’t control the shock in your voice as you call out his name.

“anton?” you say.

he turns around quickly to face you and his eyes go wide. anton has always been so expressive, every emotion shows on his face in an instant. he gets up from his chair like a reflex but he says nothing, just looking at you from across the room.

“what are you doing here?” you ask. 

anton still looks at you without saying anything. it’s like your speech is delayed getting to anton, because it takes him almost five seconds before he swallows to answer your question. during the time it takes for him to speak you see a bouquet of the flowers you like laying on the kitchen island.

“i was riding my bike and i was coming to get the rest of my stuff but i got caught in the rain,” anton swallows again. “giselle let me in.”

anton points to your roommates closed door. it would makes sense that giselle would hear him, she must’ve stayed awake the whole day. music still plays in her room as you turn back to anton.

you are both met with more silence. you know that you should probably kick him out, or scold him for showing up at his ex girlfriends house unannounced. it’s hard to be mad at anton because he used to show up like this when you two were just friends, popping in just to hang out. and you do remember that you both promised the other that nothing would change if you two broke up. it was a lie then and you knew it. you wondered if anton knew it too. you could assume he did by the clenching knuckles at his side, or how he cleared his throat awkwardly.

“i tried to get home i really did but—” anton said.

now it was time for you to clear your throat and reach a hand out to him.

“no i prefer you stay here until the storm dies down.” you say.

you have to force yourself to remember that this isn’t a dream, that anton is real and standing in your kitchen. you want to be a good host and offer him food or ask him if he’s okay but all the words are caught in your throat. instead you gesture to the living room, showing anton it’s okay to step into your apartment further.

you’re sure that his ears tucked into his beanie turn red as he walks over you. he’s slow with his steps, like you’ll change your mind at any moment. you can still hear giselle music coming from her room as you go to sit on the couch.

when anton comes to the opposite end, his eyes find yours. he’s looking to you the whole time, waiting for you to give him the permission to be close to you. anton has always been too nice for his own good, letting you make all the moves and initiatives in the relationship. so he waits for you to nod at him before sitting down on the couch too.

you focus on the sound of rain and giselle’s house music as you look to anton. he looks the same except for his hair that has gotten a little longer. the necklace you got him for his birthday is still around his neck, rested on his chest. you tried not to look at the pendant too hard, because then your eyes would wander to the black shirt that clung to his chest. your mind flashes back to the dream you had of and you have to lightly shake your head to get rid of the image.

“how are things?” he ask you.

you hate that this is what your relationship with anton has come to. he used to be the person you were must comfortable around but now he sits on the opposite end of your couch asking you questions you both know the answer to.

“things are good.” you say. 

you think about telling him everything would be better if you guys got back together. you hold it back by picking at the hem of your shorts.

“what about you?” you ask. 

you can barely bring yourself to look at anton. you see that he isn’t looking at you either, his eyes focused on your hand that is holding the bottom of your pants. when you move your hand, his eyes stay there as he says nothing.

“i miss you.” anton says. “so much.”

you can feel the couch give underneath anton’s weight as he comes closer to you. the couch dips from you, almost causing your body to lean into anton’s. he bends down to be in your line of sight. you’re forced to look into his large brown eyes as he looks for something in your eyes.

“you miss me too, right?” anton says.

his hands reach for yours and you let him grab them. he squeezes his hands in your palms and you still have to remind yourself this isn’t a dream. anton continues to look at your face while massaging your hands. it keeps you there with him and you know he knows the answer to the question.

“we aren’t together anymore anton.” you whisper.

you know you should pull your hands away, maybe even tell him to leave your apartment. but you can’t bring yourself to do anything to him while he looks at you like that.

“that doesn’t matter. do you even remember why we broke up?” anton asks.

you shake your head; you truthfully can’t remember. you’re sure it was something stupid, something that easily could be fixed. you both were clumsy throughout the whole relationship, so confused why everything felt so different from when you were friends. maybe you two got tired of stumbling through the motions of everything and called it off. but the way anton looks at you makes you want to take everything back and make you try again.

“i want to try again.” anton says.

he shakes your hands slightly to really give emphasis to his words. maybe you keep dreaming about him because you should try again, maybe that’s what your subconscious has been telling you.

“i’ll have to think about it.” you say while nodding slightly.

anton responds to you by smiling. you can’t help but smile too, and you can feel tears that threaten to fall from all the emotions going through you. you can’t stop yourself from bringing anton in for a hug. he pauses only for a second before hugging you back twice as hard. you are happy you’re able to stop yourself from sobbing onto anton’s shirt, but you almost lose it when he rubs up and down your back gently. you go deeper into the crook of his neck and he holds you a little tighter.

“i came in the rain on my bike to be all romantic with flowers but you were knocked out.” anton says into your shoulder.

you start laughing loudly, the image of anton peddling on his dingy little bike through torrential rain. anton finds it funny too, he starts laughing as he goes into the details of him almost driving into a ditch while trying to get to you.

you know you’re both laughing too hard when you hear the music in giselle’s room shut off. you realize that she is basically at her job right now, and you and your ex ex-boyfriend are disturbing her. so you get up from the couch and motion for anton to follow you. he gets up from the couch and rubs his palms on the front of his pants. suddenly he’s the shy anton again, so different from the bold anton that told you he wants to get back together.

anton follows you into your room and you close the door behind him. you don’t move again until you hear giselle’s music turn back on.

you laid down on the bed first. anton stayed in front of your closed door, looking at the you laying on the bed. you can make out his figure even in the darkness of your room, broad and almost as tall as your doorframe. even in your dreams anton doesn’t look this good. you don’t beat away the image of him above with a stick this time, instead you welcome them with open arms as you tap the empty space on your bed.

you watch anton come over to the bed, stopping so he can take off his beanie and jewelry to set on your dresser. it’s just like old times, hearing the familiar sound of his rings landing on the ceramic dish. you wonder if he’ll take off his shirt too. he keeps it on as he lays on the opposite side of your bed.

he didn’t dare to move any closer to you, staying on the other end. you wish you could fold the covers and bring him closer to you, or have anton pull you into his chest like he always did when he spent the night. he was too nice to do move any further, and you realized that nothing would happen if you didn’t make a move first. so you swallowed whatever was holding you back and let your hand glide across the cold sheets towards anton. he turned towards you almost immediately and his hand grabbed your bicep.

anton first lightly tugged your body towards him twice. it was gentle and inviting like he always was. you scooted your body to anton’s, moving only a little across the sheets that separated you two. anton then exerted some of his strength o pull you the rest of the way, wrapping his other arm around your body to bring you into his chest. you laughed at how fast he pulled you across the covers as he tucked your head underneath his chin. he brought his hand that was on your arm to the back of your head—it had been too long since anton surrounded you like this. you nuzzled into his neck and sighed contently. 

“we should probably move slow” he said. you could hear the smile on his face.

you hummed in agreement but then moved closer into him. he wrapped his arms tighter around you before kissing your cheek. it was quick and light before anton tucked your head underneath his chin again. you weren’t shocked by the kiss, you were actually beaming at the feeling of his lips on your skin again.

you weren’t sure when you fell back asleep, but it was hard to not doze off with anton like a weighted blanket on you. you could feel the rise and fall of his chest against yours, and hear his quick heartbeat slow down overtime. it was an inexplicable comfort having him behind you and to feel his arms wrapped around your frame.

you didn’t wake up again until well after midnight. the rain still fell and the wind still blew harshly. you woke up in anton’s amrs, curled into his chest to be the little spoon. you had turned at some point during the night, and anton’s hand rested on your stomach to gently trace shapes on your exposed skin. you don’t know how it was possible to miss someone so much. 

you turned your body to face anton’s. you found that he was already awake, looking into your eyes with the same look you dreamed about. you closed your eyes as he placed a wet kiss on your cheek. his eyes are still bleary, you imagine he must have woken up around the same time you did. you brush some of his hair out of his face and let him leave a wet kiss on your lips.

“what time is it?” you ask.

“not sure. has to be pretty late though.” he says.

anton sounds distracted as he talks to you. his eyes are on your lips as he puts a hand behind your back so your body arches into him. you can feel how broad and solid anton’s chest is underneath the thin material of his shirt. you lean more into him and instinctively wrap your leg over his to bring him closer. you wrap your arms around his back to press your palms flat on his shoulders. 

“i thought you wanted to move slow?” anton says. 

he places another wet kiss to your lips before pulling back. you missed the smirk he got on his face when he knew you wanted it. it made you bashful, heat spawning from the places his body touched yours. it blossomed from the small of your back and spread to your finger tips that pressed against anton’s back. the feeling made you lock your leg in place, bringing anton even closer to you.

“we can move slow tomorrow.” you say hastily.

anton comes back to your lips, and you waste no time pushing your tongue into his mouth. anton must be just as desperate as you are the way he lifts you up like you weigh nothing. he almost crushed you in his arms, you have to tap on his shoulder to remind him of his strength.

“sorry.” anton whispers after pulling away from your lips.

his lips are plump and glossy, you run your tongue over yours to try and taste what’s left of him on your skin. you missed kissing his lips until they were red and a little swollen and the way he’d gather you up in your arms when you two made out. you try to get on top of anton but he uses a hand to keep you in place. you let out a little whine at not being able to move, you wanted to show anton how much you really missed him.

anton sits up on your bed to pull his shirt off. he does it with one hand and while he is busy taking off his pants you start to take off your own. as you lift your hips to take off your pants anton stops suddenly.

“wait. don’t move.” he says shyly.

you listen to his weird request, not moving while anton takes off his pants. 

when his pants hit the floor anton guides your body to sit up. you do as he says, eyeing him to see what his plan is with you.

“put your arms up.” anton tells you.

his sweet and quiet voice betrays the authoritative words. you listen to him regardless, filling to the brim with excitement of anton telling you what to do.

you lift your arms as anton pulls up your shirt. he does all the work even guiding your arms through the opening of your shirt. anton looks up at you from your collarbone, placing a wet kiss on the taut skin as his hands go to your bra strap. you nod and anton brings both of his hands to your back to unclasp your bra. he is gentle releasing your chest from its confines, his big hands covering the area of your breasts. 

no matter how many times anton sees your breasts, his breath is taken away each time. he kneads your doughy skin, lightly gripping a boob to place a kiss directly on the areola. anton missed your content sighs and breathless whimpers when he does things to you. he missed seeing your face crease with pleasure, the way you prop yourself on your arms and lean your head back to feel everything. 

“i missed holding you.” he whispers.

anton can’t stop himself from taking a nipple into your mouth. you instantly arch your chest into his mouth, your free hand petting his head.

“i dreamed about this.” you whimper when anton goes to the other breast. 

anton guides your body back down to lay on the bed. you lay your head on the pillow, looking down at anton as he trails kisses down your body.

“should’ve called me.” anton says, smiling into your stomach.

you can’t bring yourself to tell him why you couldn’t, something stupid as pride keeping you from feeling pure bliss as anton takes your shorts off. he lifts your hips off the bed all on his own, any more you try to make anton puts a gentle hand on your stomach to keep you in place.

“let me show you how sorry i am.” anton says.

he looks at you with sincerity as he continues pressing kisses to your body. he works down one leg and works his way up the other, even kissing your feet earnestly. anton makes eye contact with you as he presses a kiss to your folds. the contact alone has you lifting your hips off of the bed, trying to chase after the kiss. anton puts a hand underneath your ass to lift your bottom off the bed. you bend your knees until your thighs lightly press against the sides of anton’s head. you are still reeling from the dream you had, you know you won’t last long. 

just from the kisses anton gives your pussy you’re lightheaded, gripping the sheets trying not to lose your composure too fast. it’s a lost cause when anton looks up at you again as his thumb starts rubbing your bundle of nerves.

“my little princess,” anton whispers. “you’re sensitive?”

you whimper in response and nod your head. anton sticks his thick middle finger inside of you, bending it once he’s inside all the way. you open your mouth in a silent moan, lifting your hips off the bed even more. anton places a kiss on your thigh.

“just lay there for me,” anton says. “i got you.”

“okay.” you whimper.

anton’s soft voice completely opposes his lewd actions. the way he takes his finger out of you to spread your folds apart. you can barely manage to look down at him as he makes work of your heat, on his hands and knees to get closer inside of you. his nose bumps your clit as he eats you out, alternating between making out with your pussy and sticking his tongue in your slit.

“feels so good anton.” you whimpered. when he hums into your pussy your legs close in on him, locking him in place. “i missed you so much.”

anton starts eating you out with a new vigor. the sound of him slurping and placing sloppy kisses on your cunt fills the room. you can’t stop you hips from bucking into his mouth and anton welcomes it. he guides your legs to rest over his shoulder and sits up slightly on the bed. anton uses his strength to bring your lower half up with him. you can’t stop yourself from grind on anton’s tongue while his arm behind your ass supports your weight. his free hand reaches out to yours and you let go of your hold on the sheets to grip his hand. you are moaning loudly, watching anton watch you. 

he is entranced by your tiny cries and the way your heels dig into his back. you look so beautiful like this, not having to do any of the work to get to your peak. anton loves the way you grip his hand with all of your strength. he wants to take a picture of this moment to remember it forever. he wishes he could take a video to immortalize your whiny voice.

“i’m close.” you say.

you turned your head from the bed to look at anton. he goes back to tongue kissing your slit, purposely using his nose to bump your bundle of nerves. this way he can stimulate you adn you can take up all of his five senses.

he loves the way you smell, the way your whole body tenses when you cum unannounced. anton thinks it must’ve hit you like a freight trin the way. you cried out his name and squeezed his head between your thighs. sound is lightly muffled through your plush skin, but he can hear you loud and clear. you will definitely have to apologize to giselle in the morning.

anton takes all of your slick, slurping and getting so messy to the point. that he can feel the dribble of spit mixed with your slick come down his chin. you body turns to jelly in his grasp, your legs becoming pliable. anton comes back down to the bed and guides your ass down slowly. 

your legs are flimsy and your knees unbend themselves, sliding down the covers of your bed. anton goes back on his haunches slotted between your legs, looking at you laid out for him like a five course meal.

anton is starving when he licks his lips, the glossy sheen of you still evident on his face. the intensity that he looks at you with has you squirming, and you can feel your body getting ready for a second round. you try sitting up, to grab anton’s hard member that bobs in the darkness of your room but a hand stops you.

anton keeps you down, but you can’t stop yourself from looking at him. the hand that pushed your shoulder back down goes to your slit, gathering slick from your orgasm. anton using the wetness to jerk himself off. you are enthralled by the sight, the way anton’s hair covers his eyes but you can still feel his hard gaze. his breath comes out in huffs as he picks up the speed and muscles underneath his taut skin move in tandem with his hand. his body looks so large from this angle, the way looks down at you while beating his dick. you don’t know how much control anton wants tonight, but you can’t stop yourself from using a hand to grip your breast.

anton increasing the pace tells you that he likes it. your massage the supple skin the same way anton does, the same way he does it to you in your dreams. it’s the real deal when he leans his body over, his hand falling beside your head. 

he still beats his dick while he’s above you. his chain jumps from the inertia of the action and you can’t choose between looking at anton or his necklace.

“what do you dream about?” anton murmurs.

“us running around together in a meadow.” you say truthfully.

“what else?” anton asks.

his hand thaat was jerking himself off went back to your clit. he puts two fingers in, making you listen to the low squelching sound of your arousal already coming back. 

“i dream about you fucking me, too.” you say.

that’s all anton needs to hear before guiding his dick to your heat. he goes down to his elbow beside your head and in one swift motion you bring your hands to his back and wrap your legs around his waist.

anton is just as big as you remember. you have never felt this full before, your walls clamping around him before he can bottom out. anton loses some of his strength at the way you’re already milking him. his large sweaty frame presses against your chest and you welcome it. your breasts are squished against him, both of you moaning in ecstasy.

“i missed you so much.” anton says into the skin of your neck. 

you can practically feel his face heating up and you can imagine his flushed face as he gives you another slow thrust. you think you’re close again already. when anton gives you a deep thrust your nails dig into the expanse of his back.

“i missed you too.” you say.

anton focuses on hitting you deep and slow. he hits the spot in the back of you that you both discovered together—the spot that leaves you clenching and anton twitching inside of you.

“just like this?” anton says, hitting the same spot again.

“just like that.” you whine.

anton spends time hitting that spot over and over again. he kisses any part of your body his lips can reach before turning your head to give you a kiss on the lips. 

his other hand hold your hips done. his strength brings you pain, the type you revel in. you let anton forget his own strength as he continues to fuck you into the mattress, his slow and hard thrust making you bed creak rhythmically.

you can feel anton getting close to his peak, feeling him get closer has you hurtling towards the edge as well. you move one hand from his back to grip his arm, your nails digging into the flexed muscle. something about seeing someone so big and strong fall apart above you has you clenching uncontrollably around anton’s dick.

you break apart from anton’s lips to look down between the middle of your squished bodies. anton does the same, lifting his body so you can see where you two meet. you rest your sweaty foreheads against eachother to watch the show.

“i’m close.” anton whimpers.

“me too.” you say back.

“where can i—” anton’s voice is broken up by pleasure, trying to keep it together for as long as possible.

“inside me. please.”

“alright baby.” anton says.

he brings his chest back down to yours, and he brings an arm underneath your body to bring you close. you’re surrounded by him, nails rake down anton’s back as he picks up the speed.

anton whimpers your name into your ear before pulling back to look you in the eyes. he curses from your blown out pupils and the way your walls close in around him. anton grips your shoulder as he spills into you. you milk him dry, the sensation of him throbbing pushes you off the edge again. you pushed off into anton’s arms as your legs around his waist pulls him in. you grind into him when his hips still, loving the sound of anton inside of you. he whines and laughs a little from the overstimulation, his whole body sensitive. 

you still move you hips until anton pulls out of you. you can feel his cum dripping from you and you fight the urge to push it back in. anton’s large body loses its strength above you, pressing your body into the mattress. he catches his breath in the crook of your neck, hot puffs of air fanning your skin. 

you let anton’s large body crush you a little more. you missed him so much you would risk the suffocation. when anton’s breath finally steadies, you tap his back. anton understands immediately, picking his head up from your neck.

“oh my god i’m sorry.” anton says.

he slides off of you to lay beside you on the bed. you waste no time turning to him. now you’re the one tracing shapes on his chest. anton turns to you and smiles. 

the rain outside is almost as comforting as the feeling of anton pulling you back into him. you doze off to sleep again, this time knowing you’ll be waking up to anton next to you.

[coquettepascal]

like tiramisu

summary: nothing beats summer vacation like a secret relationship with your dad's best friend, right? wrong! what really beats summer vacation is trying not do jump joel's bones every time you're alone.

tags: 18+, smut, fluff, beach fic, age gap (it's dbf!joel, imagine what you want), dbf!joel, misuse of sunscreen, semi-public activities (not sex), groping, massaging, reader has a dad and brother, overuse of the word pretty, nicknames like pretty___ and baby, oral sex (f!recieving), she/her pronouns for your pussy, joel gets blueballed, fluff, joel and reader are very much in love, established relationship, secret relationship, stereotypical oblivious reader's!dad, mention of food poisoning (nothing graphic), slight grumpy!joel, soft!dom joel (ish)

a/n: woo!! i did it :D this is my submission for @hellishjoel's hot dilf summer challenge (link to the masterlist.) i'm a big fan of their work so i'm just happy to participate. tysm for this opportunity!

(3.6k, not beta read.)

Every year you travel to the coast with your dad and brother, enjoying a week at the tail end of summer to really relax. This year, your brother got sick, and so Joel took his place.

Like Joel, your dad’s best friend. You know, the one that you slept with a month ago one night after everyone went to bed? Joel like kind-of-your-secret-boyfriend-Joel. Simple situation really, you don’t know why you nearly shit yourself when Joel was standing in your driveway dragging a suitcase behind him. 

But, as Joel does, he’s made this easy. It shouldn’t be easy to be separated from him, but it’s made the small moments you can get with him better. Besides, you still get to see him in his handsome glory, all tan and broad and…

The not-easy part is not jumping on him every time your dad turns around. 

—

“Why is this so much more expensive than ice cream?” Joel asks you, eyes squinted as he peers at the chalkboard that hangs above the gelato cooler.

The family in front of you orders and literally pays with a 50 dollar bill, still not getting anywhere near a justifiable amount of change back. Joel squints at the board harder and you smile up at him. He needs glasses, you’ve been telling him this whole trip. 

“Having trouble?” You ask teasingly. Joel’s head turns, face already scowling, but then the employee behind the counter is asking for your order before he can tear you a new one.

Joel is still scowling at you as he shells out 25 dollars for 2 “adult size” cones. 

“S’not necessary to spend this much money on vacation, darlin’, we’re already relaxed,” He grumbles as you walk out of the air conditioned business, back into the beachy heat outside. 

Innocently, you lick up a drip of the tiramisu flavored gelato that drips down the cone. Joel’s eyes narrow more, clearly not appreciative of your behavior so far today. His face eases up when he takes a bite out of his mango sherbet, cooling his flamed temper. 

Your hand snakes into his free one as you walk down the beach, back to where your things are. It’s a quieter day on the beach, luckily. The past week you’ve spent with your father and Joel has been a hectic race for who can find a good spot on the beach, who can find a good spot to sit and eat, and who can find a good spot where the three of you can be left the fuck alone. 

Today you’ve found a good spot, tucked away behind some larger rocks. It kind of looks like it could be dangerous to be there when the tide comes in, but it’s out far today. You’re fine, you’re with Joel, and most importantly, the two of you are alone. 

Your dad ate some bad shrimp last night at dinner and has a horrible case of food poisoning. He assured both of you that he’d be fine on his own, to go enjoy the sun. 

God knows you both will.

You hop over to the blanket you had laid out, cowering under the shade of the rainbow umbrella Joel had bought earlier in the week. He claimed it was so you wouldn’t get heatstroke, but you have a feeling it was more for the sake of his skin. 

As you kick off your sandals, Joel sits down beside you under the umbrella, slurping obnoxiously at the remnants of his mango cone. Most of yours is still intact, though a bit melty. It’s something to marvel at, how Joel can inhale any food of any temperature in the blink of an eye. But it makes up his soft tummy, the one you can rest your head on later when you want to soak up the sun. 

“Do you wanna try mine?” You ask, noting the hungry eyes he’s giving your gelato. He nods and so you lean over to him, extending the cone.

And just as he leans in to take a massive bite, you jerk your hand, smearing tiramisu gelato onto the tip of his nose. 

“Oh my fucking god,” he groans, pulling back, “that’s not fucking funny.” 

But it is funny. Seeing the white cream smudged on his nose, tangled in the bristles of his moustache. You can’t help but laugh at him. 

“That’s what you get for trying to chomp half of my treat!” You point out.

Joel’s head tilts at you, as if to say “really?” 

“Okay fine, I’ll fix it,” you huff. Passing your gelato to your free hand, you lean forward and suck the tip of his nose into your mouth, slurping off the remaining mess. 

Pulling back with a pop, you see Joel’s horrified face. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He groans, wiping your saliva off his face. 

Joel gives you a look, clearly expecting some sort of repayment for the ridiculous stunt you just pulled. Begrudgingly, you hand the rest of your cone to him, but only because you really should put on sunscreen.

—

The sun beats down on you as you lay against Joel’s chest and belly, his legs spread to make room for you. He’s wearing black board shorts that cut off around his mid-thigh, leaving more skin exposed. Joel didn’t wear these ones yesterday, or any day previous. It was just the same red shorts that went down to his knees. But today, he matches you and your black two piece. His thick thighs firmly frame you, keeping you in place. 

“You need to reapply your sunscreen, sweetheart,” Joel hums, blindly pawing the blanket for wherever you tossed the bottle earlier. 

Streams of sunlight bathe you where you sit, the sun no longer blocked by the rainbow umbrella Joel insisted on. You planned on tanning anyways, so you don’t mind as much as Joel seems to. He grabs the sunscreen and his sunglasses, tossing them on. 

Your chin is tucked to your chest, crunched as Joel leans over you more, opening the cap of the lotion. The liquid is so cold in comparison to the warm sun rays that blanket the two of you, a near-pained hiss escaping you.

“Don’t be a baby,” Joel grunts, working the sunscreen into your abdomen.

His hands work your soft flesh so gently, his calloused palms spreading the protective lotion carefully. Joel’s thumbs dig a little harder as he feels your hip bones beneath his hands, making you protest weakly. You know what he’s doing, taking this private opportunity for his own gain.

“Joel,” you warn whinily, squirming. 

His hands grasp you in place, holding you while the cords of muscle on his forearms pop. 

“I said don’t be a baby,” he repeats slower this time, his voice rumbling in your ear.

“We both know you’ve taken worse.”

Yeah. Yeah you do know that. It doesn’t shut you up anymore, whining as he reaches to massage your thighs, his hands slipping to your inner thighs fast. You can barely process his touch there before he’s sliding his hands back to a more appropriate spot, your arms. He’s keeping it PG for the most part at least. The nagging fear of your dad suddenly showing up despite his illness lives in the back of your mind. 

Joel massages your wrists and the palms of your hands, thumbs pushing the flesh soothingly as he murmurs in your ear about how soft you are, how perfect. 

He was keeping it PG, but he’s getting selfish now. The orange sun is painting your skin in a way that’s making it hard for him to think, and it’s been so long since he’s had you alone. Your eyes glaze over as he drips more lotion into his palms, rubbing it between them slowly. 

“Don’t wanna forget your chest, would hate for my pretty girl to burn,” is all the warning you get.

Joel’s arms loop beneath yours, his wet palms sliding up your abdomen and then beneath your swim top. Big hands envelope the starting swell of your breasts, coming upwards and smothering your sensitive skin in sunscreen. His name slips out again, choked and surprised, but this isn’t unwanted.

You miss Joel. Even as he’s been here with you for this whole week, you miss his kisses and his touch. Sleeping in the same room as him, but in separate beds, has been awful. To hear him snore without feeling the vibration of it on your own skin has been treacherous. 

So you’re letting him have this, because as much as you hunger for him, that man is ravenous.

His thumbs rub over your nipples, most of your top bunched up on his knuckles now. Joel’s voice is low in your ears, talking soft like you aren’t in total privacy on the beach. Everything is flying now, his mouth uncontrollable as he tells you how good you feel, how much he missed you. 

“So fuckin’ pretty, all week you’ve been so gorgeous, darlin,’” 

And then the kisses start. Hot down your neck, his scruffy face trails, tongue tracing the bitemarks he leaves occasionally. 

“Joel– Joel no marks,” you remind softly.

He obliges with a grunt, clearly unhappy with the situation. Sometimes he can get away with little marks, ones like on your inner thighs or your tits. But not here on a beach vacation, not so close to your dad. 

Joel continues to kiss you regardless, tilting your head so he can awkwardly meet your lips as he gropes you, massaging the lotion in as if the sun would ever hit any skin below your swimsuit. The atmosphere is only getting hotter as he touches you, the sun blazing against your skin as Joel rolls your nipples between his fingers, making you cry out.

You want more, you need more.

You can feel him hard against you, slightly digging into your back. Sex on the beach is a terrible idea. Public indecency, sand in places it shouldn’t be… but it’s so tempting when you feel how badly he wants you, how badly he missed you. 

Desperately, you turn in his embrace, his hands slipping out of your top, leaving you exposed. You shove your face against his hungrily, feeling as his sunscreen greased hand cups your jaw, gentle even when he’s starving. You open for him easily, letting his hungry tongue taste where he wants. He tastes like waffle cones and tiramisu, you want to lick him clean. You breathe heavily when he slips off your mouth and kisses the side of your face.

“S’a good girl, lettin’ me miss her,” he says into your skin.

Your mouth feels rubbed raw, your nipples are buzzing, and the sun blazes across your back. Everywhere feels warm, his lips, his tongue, your skin, your cunt in these bikini bottoms that stick to you in the worst way. You want Joel’s fingers, spreading you open however he wants. 

Joel is so good at taking care of you, so good that he can hear the rambunctious group of people coming before you can. Hands tug down your top and flip you back around before you can realize.

“You’re alright, s’okay, just some people,” Joel says, sounding anxious himself. 

Just some people. Not anyone you know, just some people.

The two of you quickly switch back to how youwere, your head on his chest while you rest between his thighs. One of his hands rests on your abdomen as he squeezes you affectionately between his legs. It’s really frustrating, watching as the group of people sets up not too far down from the both of you. So much for your private spot on the beach, and potential sex. 

He shifts beneath you, the bulge in his swim shorts uncomfortable. Joel has settled for rubbing his thumb against the smooth skin of your tummy, catching his breath still. 

“You can sleep, baby. Jus’ enjoy the sun, okay?”

The last thing on your mind is sleep, you’re more focused on the conch shell in his pants, but whatever. The sun is warm, and you’re with Joel. His hand stills on your belly, a warm weight in an attempt to soothe you.

-

It works, you fall asleep as the sun sets, and wake up when the cool night air shivers past you. Joel has managed to snake out from under you, using an unused beach towel to make a pillow for you. He’s packed everything up, sans the towel pillow and the blanket you lay on. Everything is ready to go, he’s just been waiting for you.

You watch from where you lay, as he dips his toes in the water. His broad shoulders are covered by a white, linen, shirt, highlighting him across the shore. Something about this is so right, to be on vacation with him, to be taken care of by him. Laying back, eyes staring into the inky night, you wonder what would have happened if the two of you hadn’t stayed up late that night, chatting and flirting. How long would you have gone without feeling loved, and like you belonged? 

Being Joel’s girl is more than that, even if no one knows you’re his, you have come to know yourself through him. His hands brushed away the sands that blurred your eyes, you’re seeing clearly for what feels like the first time ever.

Your love for him crashes down on you hard when he turns, walking back to you with a soft, dorky, smile. That’s your man, that’s your stupid old man, and he loves you.

“You ready t’go, darlin?” Joel asks, clearly relieved you eventually woke up.

With a nod, you walk as a pair back to the hotel. Joel insists on carrying everything, claiming he “don’t need” your help, even as he grunts.

-

Entering  the lobby of the hotel is a reminder that you have to be normal again, you and Joel are just getting along swell, and not seriously infatuated with one another.

His eyes bear into you when you step into the elevator, you can feel his eyes on your back as you press the button for your floor.

“What?” You ask, stepping back to lean against the railing.

Joel’s mouth seems to be dry as he responds, eyes tracing something on your stomach.

“Your tummy,” he manages.

You look down instantly, concerned you’ve managed a sunburn despite Joel’s efforts. Instead though, you find a tan line. A tan line in the shape of Joel’s hand, where it rested as you slept. Ghosts of Joel’s lips and teeth on your neck from earlier murmur across your skin, misting tingles across your shoulders and chest. He wanted to mark you so badly, wanted to sink his teeth into you the way he should have been able to, despite your refusal. Now he has his mark, across your tummy in the shape of his hands, the ones that carefully nurture you. 

You can see how it’s making him tick, how his scruffy jaw is clenched as his eyes are entranced by the shape on your belly. He has to spend the rest of the evening, the last couple of days of this trip, with his mark on you. Joel has to do all of that and not jump onto you at every opportunity he can.

“Baby,” Joel breathes, but the elevator doors open, and your dad is right there.

Your arms instantly wrap around your middle, trying to hide away the Joel-hand shaped tan line. As sick as your dad was this morning, he’s looking miles better. There’s colour in his cheeks, that isn’t green, and he’s standing up.

“Hey kid,” he greets cheerfully, “I’m feelin’ a helluva lot better so I was gonna go out and grab a bite to eat.”

The elevator is so quiet, the doors try to shut and Joel slams a hand against it, to keep it open. Your dad looks a little weirded out, but just smiles. “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” you manage to say, sounding like your lungs have been cut out of your chest.

In the few months that you and Joel have been “together” you haven’t been caught, or even close to being caught. This tan line on your tummy could have been the cat out of the bag, but thankfully your dad seems oblivious.

He steps into the elevator between you two, gently nodding at the elevator doors.

“Y’all gettin’ out? Both of y’look kinda sunfried,” your dad asks.

Joel manages to respond this time as the two of you hurriedly leave the confined space. -

He practically dragged you down the hallway and back to your room once the elevator doors shut, leaving your dad in the dark. Joel dumped all your stuff on the floor near the door, pushing you off him when you tried to kiss at him.

“Naw. Bed,” he had grumbled, making a vague gesture to your bed.

You both knew you had limited time, your dad would be gone for an hour tops. Joel had peeled off his shirt while you shimmied out of what little clothes you had on, your swimsuit coverup falling away easily.

Now, you lay on your back, and if you could look down, you would see the sweat that’s soaking his back and the mess of hair on his head.

But you can’t look down, you can barely move as is. Your legs, which are tossed over his shoulders, shiver, toes curled. You want to ask if he can breathe down there, but your voice keeps catching, repeating his name again and again. The bristles of his facial hair might be chafing, but everything is wet right now, your cunt, his face, your thighs. He’s suffocating in your flesh, opening his mouth to sloppily make out with your pussy, licking at your clit as he sucks it between his lips. It isn’t gentle, he’s fucking famished.

“Joel– Baby, please,” you manage to whimper. 

He probably can’t hear you with the headlock you’ve put him in, soft thighs trapping his ears. Joel’s face slides down further to push his tongue into you, making you clench and gush as his nose presses to your clit. Reaching your hand down, you lace your fingers against his curls, trying to pry him away, but he just won’t quit. Your fingers slip from his sweaty strands, slamming onto the sheets as he doesn’t let up.

“Missed you, missed her,” he rasps between kisses. 

Joel loves this, loves pleasing you. This isn’t submission, this is worship. He talks to your cunt like he knows her, like he’s dating her too. Gentle as he is, he knows where your aches and cricks are, knows how to massage them with his fingers and tongue. Joel takes care of you both, it’s what he lives for. 

“I know, I can feel it, I missed you too,” you babble, hands flagrant between his hair and the sheets.

He laughs softly into you, smiling. You tug him closer, grinding onto his nose as a tease. 

Joel focuses on bringing himself closer, arms snaking up beneath your ass to curl his hands around your thighs, fingers digging in as he pulls you closer. “Been so patient all week, need you t’come for me, please pretty thing?” He groans.

Nodding your head, you start to work with him. Again and again you roll your hips into his face. The two of you are fucking on borrowed time and Joel hastily promises you that he can take care of himself in the shower later, that he just needs to focus on you.

“Just need to taste you, remember your cunt in my mouth, please?” Joel asks.

You nod even faster now, huffing out air as your hips rise and he pulls you closer, tongue and teeth and nose buried in you. Every movement he makes begs for your release, begs for you to give him what he wants. His voice rumbles around your head, a voice encouraging this selfish feeling of pleasure.

“C’mon darlin, I’ve been waitin’ all week to have you. Let go for me, I’ve been patient.”

It sends you over, the mixture of Joel getting pussydrunk on you and the thoughts of him in your head. Your thighs lock around his head even harder, and he powers through without taking a breath for himself. Thoughts of times with him previous flash through your mind as you shiver, thoughts of what he’ll do to you once you’re both home make you gush. He laps it all up, his reward for being patient. 

When he pulls away, your essence is all over his face. Slicked through his facial hair and even on the tip of his nose, like tiramisu gelato. 

Unlike the gelato, you decide not to suck this cream off his nose.

Gently, you swipe a finger over his nose, cleaning it off with your own tongue.

“Thank you, baby,” you hum.

Joel manages to drag himself up your body, caging you beneath him while he smiles. Soft kisses are shared between the two of you, enjoying the peaceful moment where you’re finally, truly, alone. His moustache prickles your upper lip as he smiles and pulls away.

“Can give me your ‘thank you’s’ in a few days time, sweet girl.” He says, pulling himself down to kiss the 5 fingertips of the hand tan line he left.

Looking down at him as he kisses your belly, you hope you'll be exchanging thank you's for a very long time.

[sugarcoatedcherry]

void state progress and success!!!

I'm updating every day privately (now public) hehe

(scroll down and read pink highlighted paragraph for success story I had started attempting void much earlier than this)

day 1: tried but eventually fell asleep

day 2. did an extensive reasearch, like all day, read ton of success stories, got insane inspiration. believed void was real and manifestations are instant. I tried and got into hypnagogic state. but fell asleep

day 3: re read all the success stories again and again whole day and became more confident, I made mental notes on common symptoms I'd have, affirmed little. all night I played subliminals, binaural beats etc but got tired and fell asleep

day 4: still motivated, angry but persisting, I am affirming, made more mental notes on how I should go about void, did more reasearch on Hinduism interpretation on void, read about void on reddit, YouTube, explore astral projection and sleep paralysis video's comment section (they had similar symptoms just like void) became even more confident with void, tried methods but eventually i got exhausted and fell asleep

day 5: MADE MY OWN RULES. YES, no notes or anything, it's my way baby, it'll go how I want it to go, when I want it go. no more sending asks to bloggers, no more doubting, no more worrying the process. Just believing it will happen. not worrying about the circumstances. I'm very confident that today IS THE DAY 💅

day 6: I couldn't enter, i slept lmao

day 7: I got to the vibrational stage but my thoughts were distractibg and I slept

day 8: I learnt about sleep paralysis and tried that

day 9: last night didn't work, but I'll persist

day 10: i just slept, void is messing with my sleep schedule

day 11: spend A LOT OF TIME researching about void in Hinduism and got a lot of confidence but didn't enter

day 12: AGAIN SPENT A LOT OF TIME RESEARCHING about void in Hinduism but didn't make it

day 13: I'm getting closer to something very important and I need to enter void on a time crunch. I cried

day 14: everything is exhausting, but I still tried entering void but rolled over anf slept

day 15: i drank coffee to stay awake and I'm doing the meditation sitting up so that I don't roll over and fall asleep

(UGHHHHHHHHHH GOD )

day 16: I found a subliminal that made my body vibrate within first 2 minutes of listening?? and I looped it overnight but fell asleep sometime while listening but I'm still hopeful.

day 17: stupid exams

day 18: studied for my next stupid exams

day 19: I am so tired I didn't attempt I wanted to sleep peacefully

day 20: Literally my entire life is on hold because I am trying to get into void, I do realise this is unhealthy but at the same time I am so much confident that I can do it? I don't know how to explain this confidence but I know I will enter the void.

day 21: more exams and didn't attempt

day 22:

I DID IT GUYS I DID IT OMGGG THIS FEELS SO GOOD OH GOD JDKEODJDJDN I LOVE THIS FOR ME I FEEL UNSTOPPABLE I CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE THIS IS SO BIG TO ME Y'ALL DON'T HAVE A CLUE AHHHHH. I'M GONNA CRY. I HAVE EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED JSBSJDKDODKSNSN

quick thanks to all loass bloggers on Tumblr and Sammy Ingram (she shitted about void but it's okay lmao is her limiting belief but I'm thanking her for introducing the law to me) my fav bloggers are @rosellesworkshop @fleurlx @blushydior @stargirl-kira @multiversebaddie @zen-shu @prettymindset111 @luvforend @sa777urn @aphroditeapprenticee @gorgeouslypink @littlemissprettyprincess @sirensplayhouse thanks for answering my asks.

ANDDD all the anons who posted void success stories and thanks to @voidsuccess for compiling them!!! (i used to obsessively surf her blog day and night until day 10 lmaoo)

[seungkw1]

untitled (hoshi oneshot)

pairing: kwon soonyoung x reader (gender not explicity mentioned)

word count: 1.3k

genre: exes to lovers, non-idol au

warnings: drinking, cursing, implied sex

author's note: hi this is literally the very first fic i've ever written in my life!! it's just a short one but any constructive feedback is appreciated :)

What an annoying fucking day. 

Missing the bus and being late for work, coworkers getting on your nerves, and to top it all off you completely forgot to do that important task that was due today, so you ended up staying late. It was only Tuesday, but you needed a goddamn drink.

It was already dark by the time you stepped out into the freezing cold air, and you huddled up in your coat as you made your way to the mediocre dive bar down the block. Not your top choice, but it was close. You ordered a vodka soda and zoned out as you listened to whatever depressing ass Smiths song was playing - shitty vibe, but you were too tired to care. 

So when the man you had vaguely noticed was staring at you from your peripheral vision got up and headed towards you, you sighed as you turned to immediately shut that shit down. 

“Sorry but I am really not in the mood for a conversation right n-“ your stomach dropped as you made eye contact with the all-too-familiar face. 

“I thought that was you,” your ex-fiancé said sheepishly. 

Frozen in shock, it took you a good five seconds for you to utter a response. 

“Soonyoung?”

What the FUCK was he doing here?

As if he read your mind, he explained, “I’m in town this week for a work conference, but I didn’t expect to run into… anybody I knew.” He paused, waiting for your reaction. More silence. After what felt like an eternity you finally snapped out of it.  

“Um… me neither.” 

Jesus Christ, pull yourself together. 

It had been nearly two years since you last saw him. The breakup had felt like a relief then - he was moving across the country and you never planned to see or hear from him again. Especially not in some random fucking bar on a Tuesday. 

Your heart raced as you noted that he looked good. Like, really good. 

“Mind if I join?” he gestures to the vacant seat next to you. 

“Yeah, definitely. I mean- no I don’t mind. Sorry yeah go ahead, sure” you tripped over your words. Why the hell are you so nervous? It’s just your ex. 

Yeah, just the person I very nearly married. Just the person I had once considered my soulmate…

You shove that thought to the back of your mind. 

Soonyoung sits down and awkwardly begins to make small talk - something neither of you are that great at. You chat politely for a few minutes, asking each other the usual generic questions.  There’s clearly so much you want to say to each other, but you both hold back. 

“Soooo… how’s the…” he pauses. Shaking his head, he abandons whatever he was going to say. He turns and makes eye contact with you, giving you a questioning look. You feel your heart rate spiking. You try not to think about how handsome he looks right now. 

“Do you still like playing pool?” He nods his head over to the open pool table in the corner. A smile involuntarily creeps onto your face and you see his eyes light up in response. The tension suddenly melts away. 

“Only if I can still kick your ass.”

—

A few drinks and several rounds of pool later, you and Soonyoung are laughing it up as if you hadn’t spent a single day apart. 

“Tired of losing yet?” you taunt sarcastically. You are both terrible at pool and neither of you even know how to play properly. But neither of you care about the game at this point anyway - you’re lost in old stories and inside jokes. 

And god, he looks REALLY good. 

Soonyoung pulls out his phone and laughs as he checks the time. 

“Uh-ohhh, it’s gotten prettttty late. We better get you home before you turn into a pumpkin!” You roll your eyes but feel a sudden tinge of sadness. You were truly enjoying yourself - more than you had in a long time - and you weren’t ready for the night to end. But it was getting a bit late. 

“Ugh let me check the train, who knows how long until the next one.” You go to put your coat on but he’s already holding it up for you, not realizing his old habit. 

“Fuck the train, I’m driving you home! It’s toooo cold,” he insists. You let out a short laugh - he only had one more drink but he was clearly drunk. 

“No, dummy, you are in no condition to operate a vehicle. I’ll drive for you.” 

—

You park Soonyoung’s car near your apartment building. He’s mostly sobered up by this point, but he’s clearly a little embarrassed about the fact that he had spent a good chunk of the ride crying as he apologized and confessed that he really missed you. But honestly, you realize that you had really missed him too. 

“Welp, here we are… guess I’d better get going,” he says, trying to hide his mopiness at the thought of leaving you. He slowly starts to open the passenger door but you catch his sleeve to hold him back. As you pull him back into his seat you find your hand subtly sliding up around his bicep. Fuck, he was even more muscular than you remembered. 

“Excuse me but I am not letting you behind this wheel until you are fully sobered up, which you clearly are not,” you tell him firmly. “Come on babe, we’re going inside and getting you something to eat.” The affectionate name rolled off your tongue so naturally that you didn’t even notice you’d said it. 

His eyes light up again. He had always been stunning, but in this moment he was insanely hot. Still holding onto his bicep, memories of his toned body flash through your mind as you feel the heat rising inside you. 

Is this really happening? Fuck, I want him so bad. 

And the way he looks back at you, you know he wants you too.

—

“What do you want, leftover pizza? A sandwich? Ramen?” 

“Ooooh RAMEN!” Soonyoung exclaims eagerly as he comes running into the kitchen. “Pretty please,” he adds with a goofy grin. It all felt so natural. You didn’t realize how much you had missed this, missed him. 

“Drink this,” you force a cup of water into his hands. Your hands brush and you instantly get butterflies. 

Jesus what is this, a middle school crush?? 

He locks eyes with you. Huge pang in your stomach. 

Okay, yeah. You need him. Badly. Right now. 

Overwhelmed, you panic and turn back to busy yourself with the ramen, but you find yourself too distracted to even continue that. 

Soonyoung can’t wait any longer. He grabs you by the hips and turns you around, pulling your body into his. He’s already excited, and you feel his excitement grow even more as he wraps his arms around you and kisses you with more intensity than you’ve ever felt before. 

Fireworks. Electricity. All the things. In that moment, nothing in the world mattered but you and Soonyoung.

God damn. 

He breaks the kiss so he can take a look at you. “You’re so fucking beautiful, you know that right?” He gently grabs your chin and tilts your face up toward him, going in for another kiss. 

You suddenly become aware of the ramen packet that’s still in your hand. You giggle and he ends up kissing you on the teeth. You both burst out laughing and Soonyoung pulls you even tighter into his arms. You feel both of your hearts pounding in your chests. 

He places his forehead against yours. “Soooo…”

“Soooo what?” You give him a tiny peck on the lips. He gives you a tiny peck back. 

“Soooo aren’t you gonna invite me into your room?”

“What for?” you ask coyly. 

“Mmmm I think I have a few things in mind,” he says in a low voice. 

“Like whaaaat,” you tease. 

You feel the both of you becoming even more excited as he mutters into your ear. 

“Mmm I like the sound of that,” you say softly. Then jokingly, “but what about your ramen?”

“I think I have an appetite for something else now…” 

[end]

—

find me on ao3 as well ♡

[memberment]

good morning everyone!

I have ruined my sleep schedule. Someone save me LMAO

(10:00) as I reach the end of what I've written for morning glory, I grow tired. I need to take a nap. Will I finally finish this Fourth of July chapter today?? Perhaps.

But no one and I mean NO ONE is allowed to let me forget I need to incorporate the mostly bit at some point. Like there are so many canon refs in here it's SCARY. I NEED THE MOSTLY BIT IT IS MY FAVORITE CARTMAN BIT. NO ONE LET ME FORGET!

(6:11) this is my third good morning of the day, second on record good morning, first on record crying over my writing.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE GONNA DIE I'M GONNA THROW UP

(I'm literally not okay I need to stop writing tragic creek)

(7:04) Guys I'm almost done with my morning glory reread and when I tell y'all I just nearly died from shock bc Craig casually mentioned he 'Doesn't believe in coincidences.' Like, it's such a benign statement but after WRITING his storyline in Genesis and randomly seeing something like that in the wild that I totally forgot about almost just took me out.

(10:20) Guys after I reread this Genesis chapter and code it I AM OFFICIALLY WORKING ON MORNING GLORY AGAIN LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO (This Fourth of July chapter will get finished tn I SWEAR TO HECK!!!!)

(And then I get to read my fav once its like 5am bc I can only read my fav fic at like 5/6 when the sun is just coming up and my room is perfectly cold and I'm almost ready to go to bed but not quite the vibe is JUST RIGHT here's to praying to the gods we don't believe in I get blessed with an early chapter(bc I have literally been trying to space them out and save them and sometimes I do get lucky and get to read two at once and it's literally the best istg))

(11:17) I forgot to reread said chapter and quit at some point but tell me how Morning went from 84.6 (?? ish) to 86.1k?? LIKE HELL YA LETS GOOOOO WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS!!!!

(11:29) It's not, like, haha funny, but I find it so painfully hilarious that I keep going back and forth between writing like fun wholesome dirty mountain kids figuring out life creek and then like them literally DYING for each other with the most gut wrenching dialogue surrounding it all. My brain needs to be studied, I fear.

(3:28) I just spent like the last 30 minutes being a fucking lunatic BACK TO MORNING GLORY!!! We're at 87.1k ... Which like, honestly, for me on hiatus??? I'm kinda impressed. Kinda proud of myself. (Not to mention the other shit I wrote that is not Morning Glory today, because I did write some of the most gut wrenching shit for Revelations just because I felt like writing angst LMAO)

(5:14) I know I've said this before. And I'll probably say it a million times. Jack stands on business and it's so FUCKING FUNNY. Like 'killing him won't solve anything'

'yeah but it'll feel good!'

LIKE OKAY DAMN LMFAOOOO

(6:27) and tonight I shut down with 89.7k

Which like, holy shit, yippie. 4th of July is done, they're doing powerpoint night, and I am just that much closer to being done with summer.

[marumaruowl]

Last weekend and today (had a snow day out of work), I've been playing Hoyo-game catch-up. I'm still only halfway through Pen/acony, so no spoilers for the second act, but

The Golden Hour is driving me insane.

Here's a whole fantasy dreamland that's all about hedonism, excess, and over-indulgence. There's all sorts of fattening foods everywhere, and talking posters urging you to buy more, drink more, eat more...ice cream that just appears out of nowhere...you can't ever get too full. Not to mention, of course, that there's incredibly addictive soda everywhere and people will drink it until they spew rainbows and love the feeling.

It literally gives me an excuse for some huge, unrealistic stuffing scenarios... There has to have been *someone* who's spent all night/day eating and gotten so overstuffed they could no longer walk (but it doesn't hurt! Amazing!)

People say that you won't gain any weight, because everything you eat is only in the dream...but there are methods people use to bring things they purchased in the dream back with them into the real world. What if...there was some sort of glitch with that system, and all the calories you ate got transferred all at once? I don't usually like instant gaining scenarios, but man...that makes sense and I kind of love it? Or someone waking up twice the size that they were before they went in, and they're like "but you said it was safe!!!" God, Pen/acony is just a kink playground.

I'm not sure *who* I should put through the Pen/acony experience, aside from Cae/lus. I mean, he's a given. I'm eying Welt and his proclivity for sweets. I feel like he knows what's in the Golden Hour and that is Dangerous for him, so he's deliberately staying away from there, lol. He definitely can't let anyone see him go nuts for ice cream fries and that sweet explosion sundae, oh no. I don't know enough about the new characters yet to feel if they'd be a good fit. but I do want Ave/nturine to just shut up, chill out, and eat a pizza, lol.

[wonderstruks]

I think we got some chemistry between us

Gareth x gn! Reader

Warnings: cursing, being friend zoned, a menstruation mention

Summary: The only person you wanted to ask you to homecoming didn't and when your on the committee a certain someone comes and sweeps you to the dance floor

● I DO NOT GIVE ANY PERMISSION FOR MY WORK TO BY COPIED ONTO OTHER SITES

The halls were buzzing with mindless chatter about the upcoming dance.

Girls fussed about what to wear and which boy would ask them, and boys discussed which chick would be worth their time.

Boys at Hawkins High were like dogs, they only had one thing on their mind.

All of them disgusted me except for the select few.

“(Y/n)!” I heard a yell and turned around.

It was Dustin, he greeted me with a geniue toothy grin.

“Hey, I wanted to ask you something?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you please sign up with me for the dance committee?”

I laughed.

“Why would I do that?”

“Because I got in trouble, and now I have to do it and I would rather not spend my whole night lonely!” He whined.

I shook my head.

“Let me think about it okay, Dusty.”

“Okay, but please (y/n)!”

The bell rang, and I turned on my heel, walking to my next class.

“See ya at lunch!”

Ugh, of course my next class had to be chemistry and of course I had to share it with Gareth.

He was a year older than me.

He flunked last year, and now he's redoing it.

Now him being In the class isn't what is the bad thing, it's my massive, enormous crush on him.

It's like when he's around, I can't contain myself.

I'm awkward and blushy, and I can't even pay attention to anything but him, and it's all his fault.

But the worst part is that I always make a fool of myself because we're friends.

Stupid fucking friends.

I didn't want to just be his friend, I wanted to be his everything.

Though he didn't see me like that, at least, I think.

It's hard to tell with Gareth.

One minute he'll call me a pet name and then go back to calling me dude.

I wasn't a “dude” though.

I was just hopelessly in love with him.

“Hey (y/n)! What's up dude?”

I felt myself cringe internally.

“Hey Gareth.”

“You ready for the torture of today's class?”

I giggled softly.

“It's not that bad.”

“You sure, sweetheart because I literally have no idea what has been going on for the past month.”

I took my seat and Gareth sat right beside me.

“Okay then if you don't know anything how are you even passing?”

“Cheating off of you, of course.”

I playfully scoffed and hit his arm, he laughed in response.

God, he was so gorgeous when he laughed.

His dimples poked out and his smile glistened.

He truly looked like a Greek God, so beautiful that even the heavens cried for him.

“Good morning class, find your seats! Today, we will be continuing-.”

I could even listen to the teacher drone on.

Instead, my mind decided to occupy itself with more important things, like watching Gareth's hands flex and noticing the way his veins curve.

“Hello, earth to (y/n)?”

“Huh?” I said, snapping out of my thoughts.

“Your lab or mine, sweetie?”

“Huh?” I felt myself starting to blush.

“We're doing a partner project.”

“Oh.” I nervously laughed.

“You weren't paying attention, were you?”

“Not a bit.”

He laughed and shook his head, his curls bouncing.

“Well that's just great, it's your fault if we cause an explosion, dude.”

I smiled.

“I'll blame it on you.”

Despite not paying attention for that class period, it went smooth sailing and me and Gareth actually managed successfully to complete the project.

I spent my next classes thinking about him.

I wanted him to so badly ask me to the dance, I could only imagine him dressed up all nice wearing a freaking bow tie.

He'd hold me while we danced, and he'd even kiss me.

It would be the perfect night.

There was no other guy for me but him.

Ever since I've met him, it's always been Gareth.

When the bell rang signaling lunch, my stomach spinned in circles, knowing I was going to see the boy who plagued my mind.

Already feeling nauseous, I chose to skip out on food and took my usual right beside Gareth.

My heart raced and my palms shook.

The things this boy did to me.

“Ah (y/n) have you thought about it yet?” Dustin asked, sitting across from me.

“Thought about what, Dustin?” Eddie questioned.

“I want (y/n)'s help on the homecoming committee, but they won't give me an answer!”

“Maybe I want to go, Dustin?” I interjected, my heart racing as Gareth turned his attention to me.

“You actually want to go to one of those?” Eddie busted out laughing and all the boys joined in.

“What's so bad about it?”

“What's so bad? What's so bad! Those 'parties' are just a popularity contest meant for total posers.”

Gareth jumped in and agreed with him.

“Absolutely everyone who goes to those things are assholes who peak in high school.”

My heart felt like it shattered.

I should've thought about this logically, there was no way Gareth would ever ask me to something like this.

Feeling defeated and humiliated, I stood up.

“Dustin, I'll help you.”

The boy smiled, and I wished I could share his enjoyment, but I couldn't.

I felt like an absolute fool.

________

The next day chemistry came and I dreaded it.

I couldn't face Gareth, especially after yesterday.

Just looking at him made me angry.

Why did he have to agree with Eddie?

God, I felt so dumb forever dreaming about going to a dance with him.

I sat at my lab, my head my laid in my folded arms.

“Hey dude, what's up!”

Dude!

I could not do this right now!

“Leave me alone, Gareth.” I spat out bitterly.

“Whoa harsh, is it that time of the month?” He joked lightly punching my shoulder.

I sat up and gave him a death glare.

“Sorry just joking.” He said realizing his mistake.

“You know what Gareth, not everything is a joke.” I spit out bitterly.

“What?” He was confused.

“Just leave me alone.” I grabbed my things and moved to a different seat, leaving him shocked.

Once class was over I raced to my next class, ignoring Gareth trying to talk to me.

When the lunch bell rang I simply just skipped it, hiding out in the library away from all the boys.

I realized how immature I was being, but I really couldn't do this.

I couldn't pretend everything was okay when my feelings were more than hurt.

Once school was over, I was making my way outside when I felt a hand grab me.

It was Gareth.

“Finally! We need to talk.”

I didn't respond, I just stared at him coldly.

“Dude if this is about this morning I'm so sor-”

“It's not about this morning!”

“Then what!”

“Are you really that clueless?”

“Hey!”

There was no going back now.

“I thought I was so obvious with my feelings. Maybe this asshole poser really wanted you to ask them to the dance.”

I shrugged his grip off and walked away.

Leaving him shocked once more.

_________

The night of the dance felt so bittersweet.

I wanted to be here, but just in different circumstances.

I would rather not be sitting here worrying over the ice melting for the refreshments.

Although I agreed to do this with Dustin, I hadn't seen him in a while making me think he ditched me.

I stood there sadly, jealous of all the couples dancing in front of me.

“Damn, that ice seems like it's melting.”

I turned to see Gareth.

He was all dressed up, just how I imagined it.

“Gareth?”

“Hey.” He smiled.

“What are you doing here?”

He grabbed my hand.

“Making it up to you.”

He pulled me on the dance floor.

It all felt so cheesy, as soon we got there a slow song started to play.

Gareth grabbed my waist and pulled me close, swaying us to the beat.

It all felt too perfect.

“I'm confused Gareth, why?”

“Because you're right I'm dumb, I've liked you for so long, and yet, I call you dude, I say whatever just to look cool like Eddie but this whole time I should've seen it, I should have seen you liked me, the real me. I know I fucked up (y/n) but if you'd have me, I will make it right this time.”

I smiled and pulled him in for a kiss.

He smiled into it and pulled me closer.

His lips fit perfectly with mine, they melted into each other.

I pulled away and looked in his eyes.

“You know Gare I think we got some real chemistry between us.”

“And I thought I was the one who had the good science puns.”

[pinkthick]

That was it

Pairing:Doctor Strange x Fem!Reader

Summary: Exactly 28 days after Thanos snapped, you still find it difficult to comprehend that Stephen won't be coming back.

Warnings: implication of sexual activities

Hurt/No comfort

Without much motivation to move, you were resting in bed. Periodically, Wong would stop by to see how you were doing, and you would always be grateful that he had allowed you to stay in the Sanctum rather than simply throw you out. Although you were certain that he wouldn't even consider doing so, there wasn't really a compelling reason for you to stay here. But you still did. You detested yourself, you just spent the entire day sobbing and crying, and couldn't even recall the last time you had a shower. But you had to realize that crying won't make him come back. In fact, just because the other half of the universe is crying doesn't mean they'll come back. You felt so powerless because they were gone and there was nothing you could do to bring them back.

You prayed Stephen wasn't one of them a month ago when half the population vanished. Even praying was something you had not done in a such a long time. But you would have assumed that he would have been with Tony Stark when he returned two weeks earlier. You expected Stephen to walk right through this fucking door, give you a hug, take away all your concerns and problems, and murmur tender things into your ear. But he was gone… just like that. Exactly like Spiderman was or half of the population for fuck’s sake. And nobody could do a fucking thing about it.

Your husband was gone and you couldn’t be more furious with yourself.

You grumbled and shifted positions, literally forcing your face into Stephen's pillow as you stretched your rigid body. For a brief moment, you only felt his calgone on it and briefly thought it was him. God—You missed him so terribly that all you wanted was to feel his touch again. Why wasn't it possible for you to be erased from existence along with him? It would have been simpler for you.

After some time passed, you lifted your head and groped for his shirt, which was still on the ground. Up until this point, you couldn't bring yourself to take it up. To think that he was genuinely gone was something you didn't want to even admit. He is.. no—was your everything. How could you live without him? Even the thought of moving on hurt so much.

You still clearly recall Wong yelling at you both that morning to get out of bed and go get some kind of tuna sandwich for him. It would be permanently seared into your memory wether you wanted to accept it or not. Why wasn't it possible for the two of you to be happy together?

Stephen turned back to you when you barely stirred in your sleep. The man smiled as your eyes locked with his beautiful blue ones, and your eyelids finally fluttered open.

"Good morning, my love," you said with a smile as you reached up to kiss his morning stubble and caress his jawline.

“Good morning” Stephen brought you up to meet his lips. Your kiss filled with slow, morning passion. As both of you fell apart, you turned to look at the clock “God, is it bad that I don’t want to go to work today?”

He quietly chuckled, "Nope," as you sat up and reached for your phone on the nightstand. Stephen's eyes traced the remnants of the markings he had left on you from last night as the blanket slipped down from your body, exposing your skin to the gentle morning light. Even if it was for a little period of time, he wanted you all to himself. He dragged you by your waist and giggled, making you wriggle as he sank into your lap, which was wrapped in a blanket.

“Can’t we just stay in bed?” Stephen inquired as he curled up even more in your lap and somehow he was still covered by his own blanket. It was unusual to see the all-powerful sorcerer in a position like this, so you laughed at his actions. As you started to read some texts and emails some of your coworkers had sent you—knowing that you would be having surgery later this evening—you pulled back the blankets and began to play with his hair, trying to give him as much attention as you could right now.

“Even if I would like to, I'm still needed today.” You say as you take his hand and kiss his knuckles. You adored everything about him, including his hands, and occasionally you think he has to be reminded that you don't find them repulsive. He always treated you with the same tenderness and care as if you were a priceless gem, though he wasn't always like that. You always enjoyed the fact that even though he may be a little rough at times, he would always stop himself before going too far.

Time also gave him confidence, he didn’t need help anymore, he knew every inch of your body.

Stephen grinned as he glanced up at you, but when he realized that your focus isn’t on him, his smile immediately turned into a pout. Before ripping your cover from you, he snatched your phone from your hand and set it down on the nightstand once more. “Stephen..” Your admonition was completely meaningless to him.

"Only a few minutes.." You clamped your mouth shut as a result of him pressing you into the bed. He kissed the inside of your right ankle and lifted both of your legs over his shoulders. You attempted to stand up, but he stopped you instead. He simply pulled you into a passionate kiss, squeezing your waist with his hands that you liked so much.

Oh, you adored him regardless of his character, whatever new abilities he would develop, new quirks, new needs. You didn’t care. You would love him fully till the end of time.

When the two of you parted away, Wong's ranting throughout the Sanctum about heading to the Dali for food kept you from forgetting that you actually had to go to work. But Stephen didn't give you a chance to consider before he began to give you soft kisses all over your neck.

“Strange.” You tried again, sounding once more like a warning, but the former doctor was unaffected. You inhaled deeply as you made an effort to collect your thoughts, but it was ineffective. Your heart rate just suddenly increased once more.

He definitely knew your body like the back of his hand; when you felt him scrape his teeth on your collarbone, right below a mark he had left on you last night, you clutched his shoulder. He suddenly licked that spot, and you held your breath.

“Stephen Strange, I’m going to be late…” Your tone wasn't serious enough to compel the sorcerer to obey.

When you started crying once more, you weren't even aware of it. It was unfair. What good did that mad man think he would do the world? To make a better one? For you, at least, he simply destroyed it.

You raised your hand as you looked at the ring Stephen gave you seven years ago. You clearly recall that night because it followed one of his most difficult operations. It was successful, too. It was the one that launched his career and made him famous and you didn't think much of him taking you out on another date because he had a good reason to celebrate, but you weren’t sure why he was acting so strange. He seemed to be startled practically at every movement, which you thought was hilarious—that is, until he knelt in front of you. At first, you assumed it was a joke, but after witnessing how agitated he became just because you implied that, you realized that it wasn't.

Without any hesitation, you answered yes, and then you recalled that you had been holding back your tears until he started crying. And God, screw all the journalists who called you a gold digger. You knew him damn well, before he became famous. Even when you were students and were just roommates, the two of you carefully counted every penny to see whether you could both still afford to eat. With him, you experienced some fairly gloomy moments. However, you both managed to get through anything.

God, how you miss him.

You were still focused on the ring in front of you when your heart sank when you noticed the calendar.

November 15th. It had been 28 days since he vanished. You knew it was foolish because he was already dead, but you continued to keep track of the days.

Skin cells totally regenerate every 28 days, which made you understand that whatever part of you that he had touched in the past—whether it was when he held your hand, cradled you in his chest, hugged you, held your face, or wrapped his hands around your neck—had disappeared entirely from your skin.

The skin you have right now, has never felt his touch. You suddenly realized that he will never again hold you in that way. That was it. Your hands have forgotten what it feels like to be in his grasp entirely. While your flesh may have forgotten, your heart and mind are still burdened by those memories and are pleading with you to let them go so they may heal and move on just like your skin did.

But you already knew it wouldn't. You would be unable to undo the permanent scarring of your heart.

That was it.

He wasn’t coming back.

Tag list: @strangesgirl @paola-carter @hamandchickensandwhich @captainannamerica @ivyheliotrope @lilithskywalker @yumeillu @winter-cant-decide @andlizeth @withalittlehoney @mintssanctuary @strangesslut @rotindselain @rookiemarton @herseraphwings @robinschaoticlittle @kujosux @alahmorah @drstrangefangirl8988 @sa-filonzana @kety25jhosson @alchemxx @silver-shadow @wolfstarhufflepuff @lucimorningst4r @dragonqueen89 @rinacreateart @clockblobber @quillweavianstuff @k1mikoz @indoraptorgirlwind @mynamehasbeentakenbysomeperson @crazyhearttragedy @bobateadaydreams @darlingxgirl @crushingonfreddie @cloudedfairydust @robertdowneyhiddlesbatch @cemak @d0ct0rstrangewife @annabelloki @grumpytribble @allie131313 @paola-carter @annemarielovesbeenjuice @hamandchickensandwhich @rachelessfreedom-world @strangelockd

[annakendrick47author]

Literary Adventures

Prompt sent by Anonymous!

Beca had always been one of those closed off girls, didn't have many friends, spent the majority of her teenage years in therapy to undo all the damage from her parents' divorce. But when she joined the Barden Bellas back in her Freshman Year at Barden, she didn't expect it would mean having so many friends she considered her family, much less moving in with two of them to a tiny studio in Brooklyn.

But here she was.

Beca had gotten so different, she felt completely free with her two roommates - she even shared a bed with Chloe - and she wasn't that shy about things like personal space anymore. The size of the apartment made it impossible for her to care about such things.

So one afternoon after work, Beca felt awful and all she wanted to do was lie on her bed and watch some crappy show Chloe seemed to enjoy. Her roommates weren't home when she got there, though, so she changed her clothes and threw herself onto the bed she shared with Chloe, closing her eyes with a sigh. 

After a while she opened her eyes, looking at the redhead's side of the 'room'. She had a few pictures, one behind the other, only Chloe knew what they were because they were covered by each other. But the thought of the redhead wanting to have pictures out to remember people she loved made the brunette smile. Chloe was always sentimental, happy. Just your ray of sunshine.

With a frown, Beca saw a pink notebook with the word JOURNAL on it in yellow. It didn't even have a lock in it, which Beca would expect from a journal. She bit her lower lip, trying to convince herself not to, but she felt her curiosity boiling up and, before she could form a decent argument against herself, she'd grabbed the journal from Chloe's bedside table.

Chloe was such a free spirit, she didn't care about personal space either, having walked into Beca's shower many years ago to get her to join the Bellas before she even knew Beca's name.

Beca, however, was a different story. She respected people's personal space, she didn't invade them unless she had permission to do so. She never would've done something like walking into someone's shower, much less change in front of them like Chloe did so often. So Beca thought Chloe owed her that much.

Ignoring the little part of her that was telling her that it didn't work like that and to just drop the fucking journal, Beca sat up and opened the journal to its first page, seeing it was dated to a few years ago, back when they were already in college, in Beca's Junior Year. 

Dear diary,

I went out with David last night and I'm still thinking about it today!

Sorry, this is my first time writing something like this, I only saw it last week in a magazine article and decided to give it a try.

Well. About David.

Didn't seem much at first, kinda quiet, but he was cute and had muscles. And he paid for dinner, which really pleased me. But damn, when he invited me over to his dorm I was MORE than a little surprised, to say the least!

He tore my clothes off (literally, I had to hide them from the Bellas so no one would tease me, but he ripped my shirt and my underwear) and he had this aggressive side which I immediately liked. God, it felt so good to just give up control for a night!

Beca stopped reading, keeping her index finger on the paragraph she was at. This can't be.. Can it? 

But then again, only Chloe would keep such a thing. 

"Get on your knees, you little slut!" David said to me after he'd taken off my clothes. I was already wet, which made me feel a little embarrassed.

But as I looked up at him, he unzipped his fly and lowered his pants and boxers and boy, I was surprised! Pleasantly surprised, I didn't think his cock could be so BIG! And just the very sight of it made my mouth water and I immediately took it in my mouth, looking up at him again.

Beca shut the journal with a squeak of surprise. She was alone but she felt terribly embarrassed by reading something like that because all she could do was picture Chloe.

Chloe on her knees.

Chloe on her knees sucking some dude's cock.

Beca shut her eyes, trying to shake the images from her head. She couldn't think of one of her best friends like that. She was going to put the journal back and pretend she never saw it.

But… how does one look like that? 

All Beca was going to think now when she saw Chloe was how dirty she could be and the contrast it was to her bubbly personality.

Beca looked down, she was still holding the journal. She shut her eyes again and cursed mentally when she automatically opened the journal to the first page - the one she'd been reading - and her eyes instantly found the part she'd stopped at.

David held me by the head, forcing more and more of his cock in my mouth. Thank goodness for Bella rehearsals and my skilled mouth! I was able to deep throat him, making him throw his head back in ecstasy.

I stopped what I was doing because of how horny I was, I didn't want him to cum in my mouth. He looked at me in confusion but it quickly went away when I got up and laid back on the bed, spreading my legs. His eyes grew wide and his dick twitched in anticipation, which almost made me chuckle but I held it back. I didn't want to ruin the moment.

David took the rest of his pants off and grabbed me by the waist, turning me around with quite some force, which I didn't object to. I looked back over my shoulder to see him rolling on a condom and bit my lips. He grabbed me by my hair, pulling at it and making me gasp.

God, diary, I'm so wet just thinking about it!

Beca shut her eyes again. Suddenly the air around her was very hot despite it being November. She groaned and cursed out loud, trying to push the image out of her mind. She couldn't help imagining the scene that was described in the diary. Though the brunette was denying it to herself, she was picturing herself as the guy, David. 

No matter how hard she tried to push that very thought away, she could also feel a not so welcome heat start to pool between her legs.

You can imagine, diary, that David was not so gentle about thrusting his cock in me for the first time. Not that I'm complaining, the noise that left me can only be described as animalistic. I like being treated like a slut from time to time ;P

David held me partly by my hair and partly by my waist and he thrusted so hard, I was forced to bite my lips to keep from screaming. With the way he was pulling my hair, my head was up and I couldn't rest my weight on my elbows to drown out some of the noises. But that was okay, he was pounding good and hard and that's how I liked it.

David at last let go of my hair, grabbing onto my waist to thrust even harder. I was so close and I could tell he was, too. I moaned, feeling my walls start to close around his dick and I bit my lips to try and suppress the moans.

HOLY SHIT, diary, my orgasm was so intense and powerful, I was afraid I was going to black out for a minute! But after that, I collapsed on David's bed, catching my breath.

After that, there isn't much to tell you, I slept over then I went home the following morning.

Beca bit her lips. She was drenched by now and couldn't keep lying to herself. She put the journal back where it was and shoved her left hand down her pants, gasping at just how wet she was. She shut her eyes as she easily entered herself with two fingers, the other hand was quick to start rubbing her clit. 

The sudden fear that either Chloe or Amy could walk in at any point hit Beca and it made her thrust faster and rub her clit harder. It was electrifying, the fear of being caught made her even more turned on, making her groan out loud.

All Beca could do was close her eyes and picture Chloe, imagining herself fucking Chloe the way she described in her journal and, within minutes, she felt her walls closing around her fingers and she was hit with a powerful orgasm, one almost like the one Chloe wrote about.

Beca collapsed on the bed, feeling exhausted and her eyes opened again. She caught her breath, looking around the room. She knew what she just did left no evidence behind, but she felt extremely guilty now that the journal was closed and her shorts were drenched. She groaned again, covering her face with a pillow before getting up. She was uncomfortable with her wet underwear and shorts, she might as well take a shower.

By the time she was done, she threw herself on the bed again and felt exhaustion take over. She closed her eyes and decided to take a nap, waiting for her roommates to come home.

oO0Oo

It had been a few weeks since Beca found Chloe's diary and looking the redhead in the eye was quite hard after that. Not impossible, but hard. For the first couple of days, Beca knew Chloe noticed something was wrong but the redhead didn't push it. She knew Beca well enough to know the brunette would come to her if something was wrong in her own time.

Since that evening, Beca never saw the diary again and she didn't go looking for it. She wasn't that kind of person, no matter how hard she wanted to read another one of Chloe's entries.

And it was one Friday night, Fat Amy was on a date and Chloe was working at the urgent vet care clinic. Some Fridays she came home very late, like 1 to 2am. But she liked what she was doing and she was happy about it, so she never complained.

Beca came home from work to an empty apartment and, once more, saw the pink diary on Chloe's bedside table. She bit her lips, taking off her jacket and scarf before sitting on the bed. She tried not to look so eager - yes, even to herself - and took off her shoes and pants. She threw on her dark gray shorts and t-shirt she used to sleep in and sat back, grabbing the diary. She opened it and went to the middle, wanting to skip a few pages, and came to an entry dated to the year they graduated from Barden.

Dear diary,

Kinky Chloe is back 😛

Well, by now, you know I sleep with both men and women. So last night, I slept with a woman.

And God, what a woman! 

She was short, brunette, had a bit of an attitude. She reminded me of Beca. That wasn't a bad thing, either.

Beca's eyes widened. She took a few seconds to register what the redhead had written before she went back to reading the diary.

Her name was Darla and if I didn't know Beca so well, I'd say they were sisters. 

Anyway.

I hadn't slept with a girl in so long and as soon as I walked in the club, I knew Darla was going to be taking me home! She had that look that she knew what she was doing. And I liked it.

Cutting a long story short, we went to her place. We were making out on her couch before we moved to the bedroom. Darla asked me if I was okay with using toys and who am I to say no? 

I was quick to strip and get on the bed while Darla looked for something in her closet. When she turned around and saw me, she smirked and God I felt guilty because Beca popped in my mind.

Darla was holding a maroon drawstring bag and she approached the bed, putting the bag on it before removing her clothes.

"You're this wet already and I didn't even touch you yet? That's encouraging," Darla said to me, taking off her bra and boyshorts.

I bit my lip, "I'm just really horny."

Darla smirked again. Damn it! Everytime she did that, I saw Beca!

"There's something I wanna use on you, but I wanna know if you're okay with it," Darla said.

I didn't say anything, she withdrew something from the bag and showed it to me. It was a black plug. I raised an eyebrow and looked at her.

"Of course," I said.

She smirked, getting a small controller that matched the plug and that got me puzzled.

"This is an e-stim plug," she explained. I was still confused, "electric shock toy."

My face must've been fun because she chuckled.

"It's cool if you don't want to," she said.

This girl was making me picture Beca and that was starting to scare me a little, but I wasn't about to stop. Beca's attractive and had we been in the same situation, I wouldn't turn her down. So I threw caution to the wind.

Beca had to blink a few times and rub her eyes to make sure she'd read it right. 

She had.

Dang, the ache between her legs was getting impossible to ignore and she immediately shoved one hand down her shorts to tend to it.

"That's awesome, actually," I said to Darla, who smirked again.

"Awesome," she said, retrieving lube from her bag before setting it on the ground.

Darla set the toys aside before she grabbed me by the waist. 

"Scooch," she said.

I did, so my head was resting on one of her pillows and she was quick to throw my legs further apart, making me gasp in surprise and pleasure. 

God, I'm such a horny girl 😛

When Darla attached her mouth to my clit, I bit my lips and moaned out loud. Looking down at her, I could only see her hair and part of her forehead, which made it easier for me to picture Beca. I moaned again, throwing my head back.

Beca moaned, moving her fingers from her clit to her entrance, teasing herself a few times before entering herself with two fingers, making her gasp. She started thrusting, closing her eyes and picturing the scene.

Knowing Chloe had had sex with someone and she pictured her made Beca feel a little less guilty about reading her diary and, ahem, masturbating as she read her entries.

God, did Darla have a skilled tongue. I wondered if Beca also did. The very thought made me moan again, but Darla withdrew, looking at me with yet another smirk.

"Brace yourself," she said, grabbing her plug and the lube. 

My heart was beating wildly in anticipation as she lubed up the toy and my butthole.

I like anal, diary. Of course you know that by now, but it's not common for me to find other women who like to sleep with women and anal. I'm sorry for the fucked up sentence, I'm wet as fuck as I'm writing this! But you know what I mean.

As Darla eased the butt plug in, I moaned. As it went in, she grabbed the controller in one hand and rubbed two fingers against my wet pussy with the other, smirking again.

I bit my lips to keep from saying Beca's name and gasped when she thrust her fingers in and felt a small shock from the plug.

Damn!

I had never used those kinds of toys before and I didn't know what I was expecting but I was pleasantly surprised! The shock wasn't painful and it made the feeling of her fingers in my pussy even better.

God, I'm so fucking wet now just thinking about it.

Darla kept thrusting and she pressed a button on the controller, making the shock a little more intense and I moaned out loud again. Fuck, this felt SO good.

I was embarrassed by how close I was to orgasming, not that Darla seemed to mind. She started thrusting harder and faster, the shocks were now more frequent, which made me bite my arm to stop from nearly screaming. (I'm vocal, what can I do?)

"Cum for me," Darla said. "I know you want to."

I didn't even need to be told twice, that's the good girl I am. I shut my eyes and my orgasm hit me hard. The shock from the buttplug made me feel so ridiculously amazing, it was by far the most intense and powerful orgasm I've had. It left me absolutely breathless and numb, like there was nothing I could do.

Darla smirked upon seeing me in that state and she must've turned her plug off because I was no longer feeling the shocks.

"Wow," she said.

"That was incredible," I said, out of breath still.

Darla removed the plug, getting up to wash it, I presumed, which gave me time to recover. I mean, I wasn't about to fall asleep and leave Darla all high and dry. Plus, I wanted to get a taste of her myself. Going down on a girl is much better than going down on a guy.

Beca had to put the journal down when she felt herself reaching her orgasm, forcing her to shut her eyes and moan. When she'd come down from her high, she caught her breath before grabbing the journal again.

There was no way she was going to leave the rest of the story for later, that was by far her favorite.

Not that she read that many entries anyway.

When Darla came back, I was already feeling like myself again and I was the one to smirk this time. She climbed onto the bed and we kissed. She was a great kisser, but right now I didn't want to have my mouth on THOSE lips *wink wink* 

I started descending down her body , so eager about reaching my destination and the fact that Darla reminded me so much of Beca got me even more eager to eat her out. 

Fuck, I'm so dirty! 

Now, I do feel kinda bad for it but the moment I took Darla's clit in my mouth, I started wondering if Beca tasted like that, or if she tasted better.

I felt Darla's hands on my head, keeping me closer. I learned a lot over the years how to manage breathing when there's a pussy buried in my nose. This is a skill that comes in handy.

God, I loved licking Darla's folds and picturing Beca. I mean, I was already so deep down that hole, I might as well enjoy it, right? At least with her clit in my mouth I'm not in danger of moaning out Beca's name, am I right? ;) 

With Beca in mind, I took Darla's clit in my mouth and sucked on it before flicking it with my tongue. The way Darla held me so strongly pushed me to keep going, so I used two fingers in my right hand to run through her folds before my fingers swiftly entered her, a bit roughly so and boy, did she like that.

Do you think Beca also likes it rough? Damn, what I would give to find that out… it makes me wet just thinking about it; my mouth on her clit, my fingers in her tight wet cunt as I make her cum over and over until she's shuddering and can't move.

I might be in some sort of trouble…

Beca barely noticed she'd started touching herself again, she only registered when she was already on the brink of another orgasm. She closed her eyes, not bothering to finish reading the entry before she was seeing stars behind her eyelid.

This orgasm hit her as intense as the first one had, which surprised Beca, she usually didn't reach orgasm as intensely the second time. 

Catching her breath, Beca set the journal aside, waiting for her heart to stop beating so erratically and for her breath to become more even. She also waited for her clit and for her pussy to stop throbbing, feeling the aftershocks of her orgasms.

The brunette shut her eyes, wondering if she was wrong for reading her friend's diary. 

Her best friend's diary.

Her best friend who had once pictured her while having sex with another girl.

When she thought about that, part of the guilt started washing away, but then she remembered: Chloe had had merely a fantasy, which she wrote about in her private journal. 

Beca bit her lips, feeling the guilt wash over her all over again. With a sigh, she put the journal back on its place before stripping down and beginning to strip so she could shower.

oO0Oo

Chloe had texted Beca to let her know she'd be home for dinner but she might be home late, while Fat Amy told them she wouldn't be coming home that same night.

Beca was relieved when she came home to find the empty apartment. She enjoyed being in the silence, doing absolutely nothing after the horrible day she just had. The brunette threw herself on the bed on her back, sighing and closing her eyes. 

She bit her lip, her eyes opened and she dropped her head to Chloe's side of the bed and there she was: the journal on her bedside table. Sometimes when this happened, it made Beca wonder: she didn't find the journal out on the bedside table everyday, it was only on sporadic occasions, so did that mean that whenever the journal was out, that Chloe added a new entry? Beca never read the most recent ones, she always went right to the middle.

Sitting up, the brunette threw caution to the wind and picked the journal up, opening up to a random entry once again, already feeling heat pulse through her body, up to her cheeks, neck, chest and right down between her legs.

The entry was dated to the year they moved to New York, a few months after they'd settled in.

Dear diary

I moved to New York a few months back and the move is already behind me so the dry spell is starting to hit me, so I'm going out to find myself a hook up ;) 

Since our apartment is in Brooklyn and close to a pub, I decided to go down and see if the New Yorkers and transplants such as myself are worth my time.

Before Beca could finish reading the entry, she heard keys in the door and it opened before she could put the journal away. Her redheaded roommate had come home earlier than expected, but then when she glanced at the clock in the kitchen, she saw she was a little later. 

Damn, where did time go?

When Chloe turned around, her smile faded quickly and her eyes widened comically. Beca could only imagine what she must've looked like: her eyes wide like a deer in headlights, sitting on the bed, her journal open and one of her thumbs holding the pages open.

It felt like an eternity had gone by and neither girl had moved. Beca felt too self conscious to even put the journal back until Chloe had at least said something, which she half expected to be a scream, anger, for her to become red with embarrassment, for her to yell at Beca for violating her privacy like that. 

When Chloe finally moved, she closed the door, every movement was careful, like she was the one self conscious this time. She cleared her throat, tucking a strand of red hair behind her ear, looking down at her feet, clutching her oversized bag tightly against her shoulder.

"So you found my diary," she said, her voice small.

"I did…" Beca said carefully, watching the redhead's reaction carefully, finally finding it in herself to put away the journal, setting it next to her on the bed.

"I guess by now you know what kind of diary it is?" Chloe asked, looking up briefly to see Beca nod, still watching her carefully. "How much did you read?"

"A few entries…" Beca admitted before sitting closer to the edge of the bed. "I'm so sorry Chlo, I found it weeks ago and I know I shouldn't have but I started reading it and I couldn't stop-,"

"- You read it more than once?" 

"I did and I'm sorry, I know there's no excuse for it, I violated your privacy, if you want to yell at me-," Beca said.

"-Did you like it?"

Beca figured she might look like a fish, opening and closing her mouth, wanting to make sure she heard what she heard. She looked at the redhead before slightly tilting her head to the side in confusion.

"Did you like it?" Chloe repeated the question, seemingly reading the brunette's question.

"I mean.. I.. yeah…" Beca said, wincing, expecting Chloe to become angry.

The redhead, instead, smirked, a small spark appearing in her bright blue eyes, something that Beca had only seen once in her life. It was sort of a predatory look, the same one she had when she burst into her shower many years ago.

"Do you want your own entry?" she asked.

Beca had to blink. She looked at the redhead even more confused than she had been. At first, she thought the redhead was kidding or that she misheard her friend, but when the smirk on her face and her predatory look didn't change, she knew she had heard it right.

"M-My own… My own entry?" she repeated as if to make sure.

Chloe only nodded with her bottom lip between her teeth. 

"I mean…" Beca said. She couldn't say the idea didn't entice her, if the growing throbbing between her legs was anything to go by. "Yeah."

Chloe put her bag down by the door, her smirk only growing bigger. She stepped closer to the bed, making Beca gulp, somehow fearing what might come out of this, but the fear came with an immense need to find out what the redhead would be like in bed.

"Anything in particular you had in mind?" Chloe asked. "Because I had a few things I pictured myself doing to you."

"You did?" Beca asked, finding her voice hoarse.

"Oh yeah," Chloe said, straddling Beca's lap, wrapping her arms around the shorter girl's neck.

"Like what?" Beca couldn't help but ask and bite her lower lip.

"Like what your delicious cunt tastes like," Chloe trailed, running her index finger over the waistband of the brunette's pants, placing a soft kiss against the brunette's neck, "what those talented fingers of yours would feel like pounding me until I'm begging you to stop."

Beca visibly shuddered. Truth be told, she'd never been with another girl before, she never thought she'd be attracted to girls, despite knowing she'd always find her best friend attractive. Well, not just attractive but hot. And reading the entries on her diary, picturing her doing those sorts of things with other people did something to her.

Chloe licked and nibbled on Beca's neck, her hands went under her shirt, finding her bra line and running her fingers over that, feeling the brunette's breath against her ear.

"I also wanted to know what you would look like all tied up and blindfolded, your legs spread wide as I fuck you," Chloe said, earning herself a squirm, making her smirk again. "Any of those things interest you?"

Beca only nodded, knowing the redhead could feel her. Instead of an answer, Beca felt herself being pushed back against the bed. Chloe stood up and undid the buttons on the younger girl's pants, swiftly pulling them down her legs, letting them fall on the foot of the bed. She ran her hands up her legs, biting her lower lip as she did, a hungry look on her face as she took in the sight before her. She then ran her hands up the brunette's thighs as she climbed to hover over her.

"I can already smell you, y'know?" Chloe said, making Beca bite her lip. 

Chloe then took the girl's shirt off, leaving her in her push up bra and panties. She hummed approvingly as she set eyes on the girl's red lace bra and, surprisingly, red lace boyshorts.

"Did someone plan this?" Chloe said with a teasing tone.

"No! I just… I just put this on, I like matching underwear sometimes," Beca said.

"I'll pretend I'll believe you," Chloe said and Beca couldn't find any strength in herself to argue back. 

The redhead sat back and made a show of taking her blouse off, throwing it beside her before she got up to take her pants off. Unlike Beca, she wasn't wearing matching underwear. In fact, she wasn't wearing any sexy lingerie, just a plain baby pink bra and blue panties. But the confidence with which she displayed herself made Beca see her as this incredibly sexy woman, which, of course, she was.

Climbing back on top of Beca, the brunette found herself at the mercy of the redhead and she knew she absolutely loved it. She wasn't scared of anything she was going to do, in fact, she was very much looking forward to it.

"You are so hot, Becs," Chloe said. 

Beca squirmed in place, making the redhead chuckle. She sat on her thighs and moved her bra up to reveal her breasts without taking the garment off. She lowered herself and took her right nipple in her mouth. 

Beca gasped and arched her back, her hands instantly found Chloe's head, holding her firmly in place. She let out a moan when she felt the redhead's tongue against her nipple before she took the hardened nub between her lips and sucked hard on it, using her other hand to pinch her other nipple kinda hard, making Beca wince, but the pain was quickly turned to pleasure.

"Shit, Chlo," Beca moaned.

The redhead pulled apart with an audible pop, giving the brunette a wink, sitting up again. She eyed the brunette and sighed.

"Wow," she said. "Sit up, Becs, I'm dying to see you naked."

Beca hummed, closing her eyes and biting her lip before sitting up. She unclasped her bra and let Chloe discard it, letting it join the girl's pants on the floor. She then ran her fingers over the girl's folds over her boyshorts and smirked.

"You're so wet, Jesus," Chloe said.

Beca bit her lips.

Chloe then grabbed Beca's boyshorts by the waistband and slid them down her legs, also discarding it near the rest of the girl's clothes. She set eyes on the naked girl, her breath already uneven, her chest heaving and her eyes dark with arousal and desire.

"I cannot believe you shave everything," Chloe said, grabbing the girl's legs and pushing them apart. She looked at the girl beneath her and she had a look of… was it embarrassment? There was a blush creeping up her cheeks and she let out a hoarse chuckle, covering her face with her hands. Chloe merely smirked, prying her legs even wider apart with a hungry look, "I mean… I can see every little bit of you."

"Chloe," Beca whined a bit.

Instead of answering, Chloe ran her fingers up and down Beca's soaked folds, humming upon feeling the brunette's smooth bare skin beneath her fingers. When she removed her fingers, she looked at them glistening, humming.

"Chlo," Beca said with a soft whine. "Please?"

Without warning, Chloe all but plunged her fingers inside the brunette, causing her to gasp loudly before moaning, throwing her head back.

"Fuck," Beca said.

"Such a potty mouth," Chloe said, lazily pumping her fingers. "God, you're so tight, I've dreamed about fucking this pussy for so long."

Beca bit her lips and hummed, grasping at the redhead's forearm tightly, digging her nails into her skin.

"I can see your clit there begging for attention," Chloe commented, sinking a third finger into Beca's wet center, angling her hand so she could rub her thumb against the hard nub, making Beca moan loudly through her lips. "Moan for me, Becs, I wanna hear it."

Beca shook her head, biting her lips in defiance.

"You said I have," she closed her eyes and moaned, "a potty mouth."

Chloe frowned, pumping her fingers harder and faster against her, leaning forward and grabbing her by the chin with her other hand, holding her firmly.

"I want to hear it," she said. She slid her hand down the girl's neck, squeezing it tightly but making sure Beca still had room to breathe.

"Fuck," Beca said. "Fuck me, Chlo, fuck me good and hard."

Chloe smirked in approval and removed her hand from the girl's neck, her hand pounding the girl hard, slamming her fist against her, making Beca grab her forearm tighter, her nails leaving marks against her skin.

"That's it," she said. "You like it good and hard, huh?"

Beca nodded, her eyes closed and her bottom lip between her teeth. She felt tears forming in the corner of her eyes and she moaned again, feeling slightly embarrassed by that fact.

"Look at that," Chloe said. "I fuck you so good you're crying."

"Shit," Beca muttered. "That's so good, Chlo."

Chloe started pounding even harder, curving her fingers and easily finding the girl's sensitive spot and hitting it every other thrust, making her buck her hips in an obscene way.

"Are you going to cum for me?" Chloe asked. 

Beca nodded, moaning out again, still thrusting her hips up to meet the girl's hands.

"Then cum for me," Chloe said. 

As if her body had a deep desire to obey Chloe's command, Beca felt herself come crashing over the edge in ecstasy. She arched her back, her head moving to the side as she moaned, seeing stars behind her eyelids. 

When Beca finally came down from her high, she was breathing hard, trying to make sure she actually lived what she thought she did. Was she just fucked by her friend? Did her best friend just make her cum?

"Spread your legs," Chloe demanded after Beca had recovered from her orgasm.

Beca spread her legs again, blushing at the wet spot she left on the mattress, but Chloe didn't seem to care. She delivered a slap to the inside of the girl's thigh, close to her spread pussy, which made her wince and yelp in surprise.

"That's for reading my diary, you insatiable slut," Chloe said, slapping her other thigh. 

"I'm sorry," though Beca didn't sound sorry at all.

"Did you touch yourself when you read it?" Chloe asked, raising her eyebrows, making Beca know she meant business.

Beca bit her lips in shame, though that only lasted so long before she was slapped again on her thigh.

"I asked you a question," Chloe said.

"I did," Beca said and yelped when she received a slap directly across her pussy lips, making her thrust her hips up. The sting brought pain but it made her wet, it surprised her how much she was enjoying the sensation.

Chloe delivered another two slaps against the girl's inner thighs before slapping her pussy lips again, making the girl moan. She smirked.

"You're such a dirty girl," she said.

"I want-," Beca bit her lips as she received another slap on her pussy lips. 

"-Dirty girl, with that bald pussy, so exposed," Chloe said. "So wet."

The slaps were starting to sound wet from Beca's arousal, making the brunette squirm and moan.

"I want to fuck you," Beca said. "Please."

"I'm not finished with you," Chloe said.

Beca moaned, arching her back.

"Get on your stomach and tuck your knees beneath you," Chloe said.

It took Beca a while to figure out what the redhead meant but when she did, she got into the position, waiting eagerly.

"Wow," Chloe said, running her fingers through the girl's folds. "Look at that, your asshole is bald, too."

Beca found herself blushing. Despite choosing to wax those areas completely, she felt self conscious - and incredibly aroused - upon hearing her partner point them out. It made her feel more exposed. And more aroused.

"Look at yourself, all spread open for me," Chloe said with a sigh. 

Beca gasped when she felt two of Chloe's fingers entering her cunt. She closed her eyes and bit her lip but couldn't hold in the moan deep in her throat. That new position felt so good, even better than the other one. She rested her head on her forearms, moaning.

"Fuck Chlo, that feels so good," she said.

"I know," Chloe said with a chuckle. 

"Please-," Beca said but bit her lips, not being able to finish her sentence. 

"What do you want, baby?" Chloe asked.

Beca moaned and chuckled despite herself. 

"I want you to… please," Beca said. "Please… my… my ass."

Chloe was surprised. She moaned herself, never having imagined the brunette to be one to enjoy a finger up her ass. She gathered some of Beca's juices with two of her fingers from her left hand, coaxing them with her wetness before she moved her fingers to her asshole, applying some pressure. Like she predicted, she was met with resistance but upon hearing the girl moan and thrust her hips back to meet her fingers, she was able to push through, easing the fingers in the girl's cunt so she could enter her asshole. Once she felt the girl start bucking her hips, she began moving both hands in perfect rhythm with each other. 

The noises Beca made were something Chloe never thought she would hear. They were loud, coming from deep within her chest. Up until now, she never thought she would enjoy another noise coming from Beca that wasn't her singing. 

"Oh… Fuck, Chlo, that's so good," she said, biting her lip, sucking in a breath. "Fuck me, I'll cum so hard for you."

Chloe obeyed, enjoying this way too much, thrusting her fingers hard against her holes. She curved the fingers in her cunt, finding the girl's sensitive spot again, earning herself an even louder noise from the girl, who slammed a fist against the mattress.

"Chlo!" 

Feeling the girl's walls start to close around her fingers, Chloe curved her fingers and hit the spot over and over, until Beca was moaning out her name, her hips moving erratically. When the brunette finally came down from her high, she collapsed against the bed on the position she was in. Chloe eased her fingers out, wiping them on the mattress for good measure while she admired the girl.

"Fuck, that was so good," Beca said. "But I wanna do you now."

Chloe raised her eyebrows in amusement. She hadn't expected Beca to sound so sure, considering the way she started the night. 

The girl quickly turned and sat up, grabbing Choe's face and bringing their lips together in a heated, passionate kiss. She was quick to run her tongue over the redhead's lips and she immediately opened her mouth to allow the younger girl to explore. She ran her tongue over Chloe's in a dominating kiss that made Chloe's knees weak and arousal pulse through her body.

Beca flipped their positions and pushed Chloe so the girl was lying on her back. Now she was the one to shoot Chloe a predatory look that made the redhead visibly gulp, gripping the covers tightly beneath her fingers.

Beca removed the girl's bra and panties with no hesitation, humming when she laid her eyes on the redhead's body.

"You just love flaunting that gorgeous body around," Beca said, running circles around the redhead's nipples, "and you leave your sex diary out for anyone to see, how can you expect me not to read it?"

Chloe bit her lips when Beca grabbed her legs and threw them spread, pushing them back.

"You've got no one to blame but yourself," Beca said. "After all, you've left me so eager to taste that pussy."

"I'm not gonna say no to that," Chloe said.

Beca threw her a smirk before lowering herself. Chloe expected to feel her hot tongue against her pussy but instead she felt the brunette's nose against her clit and saw her take in a breath with closed eyes.

"So wet," Beca said before taking a long lick over her folds, going all the way up to her clit. "So good."

Chloe moaned. The brunette licked her again, paying special attention to the girl's clit, flicking it with her tongue before she began licking her folds again. The rhythm was erratic but Chloe absolutely loved it. Her hands went to the girl's hair, getting tangled between her chocolate locks.

Beca hummed against the older girl's cunt, not minding at all that she was being held tighter against her. She wrapped her lips around the girl's clit, sucking it hard, using her tongue to flick it while her middle and ring finger sunk into the girl's cunt.

Chloe gasped audibly, amazed at the girl's ability to multitask, her rhythm on her clit and inside her cunt never faltered, in fact, her tongue and fingers moved together, bringing Chloe closer to orgasm. 

"Fuck… Beca!" Chloe moaned. "Don't stop, baby! Don't stop!"

Beca momentarily removed her tongue from the girl's clit to look up at her, locking eye contact.

"Cum for me, Chlo," she said before reattaching her lips to her clit.

Chloe arched her back, her body rocking in delicious waves in ecstasy. She enjoyed one of her most intense orgasms to date, absolutely marveled by the way the girl kept her movements, helping Chloe ride out her high until the redhead collapsed on the bed, panting, trying to regain her breath.

"Fuck," Chloe said. 

"I'll totally want another entry," Beca said. "Just to watch you cum again like that against my mouth."

Chloe chuckled despite her erratic breath, opening her eyes to look up at the brunette with a moan. Her lips were swollen and her chin was wet with her arousal.

"How about you get your own diary?" Chloe said, biting her lips. 

Beca tilted her head in confusion.

"I mean," Chloe said, sitting up, bringing her lips to give Beca a kiss, "how about we start a story of our own? Just the two of us?"

"You mean… like girlfriends?" Beca asked.

"Exactly," 

"I like that very much," Beca said with a smile. Chloe brought their lips together again.

[webslingingslasher]

Okay so like- the cooker at my new place absolutely SUCKS I can't cook anything with it so last night I went to use the air fryer I got, right? As I've gone to use it EVERY. SINGLE. SOCKET. In my flat went boom! And my phone was on like 7% cause I was about to charge it and would be dead by morning and I needed my alarm for uni. So at this point I haven't eaten, my wife her literally EXPLODED, it sparked white and let out a loud pop, im in pitch black, I'm honestly kinda scared and my phone is gonna die before morning. So already not off to a good start, but oh well, I find my battery pack that has 1% which SOMEHOW got my phone to 50% before quitting and like- my battery pack, my girl was the real mpv in this- like my mother and I was screaming at each other over the phone over this cause she said I'm so negative and that's why, and I was just like "oh sorry- lemme fucking will the power back on with positive thinking!". So we now start at today, I go downstairs, get the to fix my sincere then leave for uni- the bus was PACKED, like completely chock-a-block and I almost fell into a woman's lap so was SOOO embarrassed and wanted to die, and I had blisters from heels so my feet hurt like hell. I get into uni where almost immediately everyone's talking about plans to go out for Halloween including my "friends" right next to me and discussing it when I'm clearly not invited :') then we have a presentation I wasn't prepared for cause I've been so busy with a cancer scare with my grandad and my elderly dog has been doing so poorly lately. Everyone else had the bets fucking work and ideas and I was so embarrassed to even show what I had done and Sven tho my teacher tried there really wasn't much she could say in comparison and I spent like- 2 hours sitting there on my phone cause apparently I've murdered everyone's im the classes pets over the summer and no one wants go know me now even tho I was literally voted as most charismatic. At lunch I went and got a sausage roll cause I still haven't eaten at this point- then we had digital in the afternoon. Now idk if I've mentioned this before but I am HEAVILY dyslexic, like I'm the 2nd worst case my examiner has sent in 40 years heavy. And atleast 5 times within 2 hours I had to go up to my teacher to PROUDLY announce that I in fact could not do the task she had set, as I can't. Fucking. Read. And then she said in the lesson how interns are expected to put all the swatches into the right places which I obviously cannot do because cannot read. So I've just gotten home and got into another argument with my mum whilst having a massive meltdown again, still haven't eaten and I'm now grasping with the fact that I may not even be able to do fashion design and I've just got into loads of debt and wasted my time for nothing, but in also stuck here and can't do fuck all about it and I really fucking miss my dog. Oh and Ethan dropped out.

Sorry for the rant bestie ~🌻

oh my god sonny, if there was one time i really, really wish i could come through the screen & give someone a massive hug it would be right now.

i really don't know what to say, but i'm glad you had a space to get this all out. and lemme just say rn, for someone w terrible dyslexia you are such a trooper to be here talking to me and reading my stuff cause, imma be honest, i'm pretty wordy sometimes.

i really, really hope this next month turns around for you.

[blackroseraven]

So partner is on call this week, and of course got a phone call early this morning, so we were a little late leaving. Everyone else was apparently also late showing up though because horses were just starting to go outside.

So I grabbed halters to help, working around the kids getting ready for Pony Club. I uh. Went to get Athens at one point, and he just slowly leaned in, then bit me right in the soft part of the arm below the armpit. So I huffed at him and closed the door and brought some other horses outside instead.

Which ended up being fine because his owner actually showed up like a few minutes later so. Hooray?

Also uh. Chilton somehow reached all the way up to the roof storage next to his stall and pulled down an entire tote box and a bunch of garbage. He is. A problem.

I got Quattro, spent a while getting him ready. Last night we had a. Thunder-hail-storm, although there's literally no trace of it today apart from the storm damage, right? And I think Quattro caught his leg on something or maybe one of the other horses stepped on him by accident while they probably clustered up under cover to get out of the storm.

It had already healed, whatever it was, but the problem is that Quattro has black skin and a white coat overtop, so ANY amount of blood looks like a TERRIBLE WOUND on him. Literally barely a trace of a scratch but the little that it bled just had this big mark across his leg so it's always like "oh god what happened" but. It was absolutely nothing.

We rode for a bit outside and I was able to push him into canter. It felt really good. But then uh. All the pony club kids came outside. And like, once again, all the advanced kids were gone to a horse show, so this was more starter pony club and they were just kind of everywhere so we ended up going inside instead, where there was only Athens.

Quattro was not pleased with the scenery change but. We still got some work in. When we swapped to brain work, doing stuff with touching cones and whatnot, uh. Athens slowly started to circle in closer and closer and he uh. Really wanted to participate and get treats too. It was very entertaining. His owner is like. Quiet and a little odd but she's very nice and friendly, so it wasn't bad at all.

Partner ended up coming up with Lacy. We have. Not good news about the poor girl and Eli Shama, though. Their crazy owner has found a place and wants to take them home, so. Other Teacherlady basically said: "Yeah, this is probably goodbye." because she will not take good care of them. She will just. Try to fix their hooves herself and give them weird supplements and Lacy is 27, making her a very old horse.

Poor girl. It's so hard because you know she's not going to be taken care of properly but it's never going to rise to a level of abuse or malpractice that anyone's going to care or be able to do anything about. All you can do is tell people not to sell her horses anymore.

Makes me mad and sad.

So partner ran around with Lacy for a bit on the ground, and then she and Quattro just... hung out together. They're relatively friendly with each other, and Quattro is a weird horse who just doesn't really. Care about other horses, so.

Gotta just focus on the present, value the time we have. You never know when it will be over.

[mandssisters]

Brizzle innit 22.11.22

“By any means possible” A train taking the strain today. Across two counties. Wiltshire into Avon. Bristol. Love Brizzle.

After the storms of yesterday today we got lucky with the skies, they were blue again. Whilst waiting for the train at Salisbury on a cold but sunny platform I got the step count up for the day to 3,500 before boarding. Result. And didn’t buy a hot chocolate to compensate for the cold. Joe Wicks would be proud of me.

An easy 78 mins on the train. A short walk from the station to the des res Ho e clearly the Ibis budget doesn’t stretch to T’s and L’s.

I needed chips. What better way to enjoy them than in a Wetherspoons! Living the dream. Now I had a real fan girl moment, I got right up close and personal with …….. a real life pair of Gromit and Shaun the sheep sculptures. Trip already made! #suchafan Bristol been the home of Aardman animations.

Right let’s cut to the chase. The venue. Google maps did show me what to expect. And it didn’t disappoint. WOW. An idiot could have walked past quite easily and thought it was a disused warehouse….. I mean idiot. 😉

The marble factory. ((Stone cut marble not the glass ball variety.)) Back in the day I bet this place was amazing? But right now it was opposite a building site which was once an industrial estate and even the ATS Tyre shop google maps had promised me had closed!! The only location highlight was a Vegan Cafe called Future in the railway arches which sold the best donuts in town. £10 for 3 well spent.

#homersimpsoneatyourheartout

Met the very lovely Evie in the queue. from Wales…… saw Marcus at Cardiff last night so was still buzzing. Queue time passed quickly.

Motion as I’m going to give it its proper name (the marble factory) is a night club and hanger warehouse. It was pretty cool inside capacity around 1200. All standing but some balcony standing. A real hidden gem.

Monica was back. She gave a very honest set against all the odds. She was so funny. I think one too many strepsils, lemsips, paracetamols may have been taken! There was so much rambling it was fun to watch. Great work Monica. You pulled it off.

To the show.

Ooooooooh new shirt. Tweed shirt and are they called “baggies” where is seeing bees 🐝 Patrick Grant when you need him!

Opening with Awake my soul, the cave.

Banter:

Came in the form of Football.

Last nights gig in Wales not being able to announce the score as 2 blokes had “saved” the game to watch later!!

I would appear that we had “Miss Wales” in the audience as at various times ramblings were shouted! And Marcus joked at the end that for “I will wait “ Miss Wales needed to keep quiet.

Every song is about footy…

From the balcony gods came a very sweet “shout” of “it’s coming home”!!

Marcus even joked that

“Exeter being a shit show” quiet literally!! He recapped how he got a stripping down about his use of bad potty mouth language from a friends dad. Who questioned the need of the word FUCK? It’s only a good job he didn’t get carried away with “c*nt”.

Post shows, Taylor Mackall ace musician, comments about the performance of Only Child most nights and critiques the 50% of cords Marcus gets right during the average performance of only child! Harsh.

Sadly we didn’t get to see the wonderful Monica onstage for Go in Light, as he insisted she gets well for her main performance. As she isn’t in TIP TOP form!!

After the fake end of show, and encore, another fab rendition of Cowboy, with added burp slurp! Apparently within the tea cup was tonic water most nights, but tonight it’s tea but has the same effect.

Then off piste from the set list we were in for a treat. 6 mins of bliss. Marcus’s favourite song “not dark yet” by the one and only Bob Dylan. Loved this. What a real treat. At the end the slight boast that the next one was written with Bob, although he wasn’t actually there!! WIGMHOY.

Too soon it was off mic I will wait. The crowd very respectful. Miss Wales did wales proud.

I waved a sad goodbye to band as they won’t be with Marcus for leg 3 in stores next week. Going to miss them they are so tight. Marcus’s voice just gets better and better each night. Vs mine which can barely speak atm without coughing!!! What a total joy these dates have been. Over too soon.

Today. Enjoying life with a walking tour of Banksy street art and a trip on the S S Great Britain in the dry dock. Well worth a trip, fascinating engineering and fantastic recreation of sea travels circa 1840s. What a visionary Isambard Kingdom Brundel was. And a great Ambassador of the top hat.

X

[sleepy-sham]

This, this, all of this. & what most people outside of medicine don't know is that the whole reason residency is structured like this is because of one doctor over 100 years ago who did inordinate amounts of cocaine to see how long he could work & then made his students aim for the same. Countless studies have been done proving that shifts like this directly lead to worse outcomes for patients. & yet nothing changes.

This is a very personal subject for me bc this is the reason I can't be a doctor. I've wanted to be a psychiatrist since the 8th grade. I felt it was my God-given calling in life. But in college I was in a terrible car accident that gave me a severe concussion, which lead to me developing narcolepsy. I spent years trying to go to medical school anyways, thinking that if I could just get the right medication dialed in I could make it work. But it's not that easy. & even with medication, I am physiologically incapable of performing a 12 hour shift, much less 16 or 24. I mean, I got 8 hours of sleep last night instead of my usual 9.5-10 & I literally fell asleep in the middle of Panera Bread today. So I came to the unfortunate conclusion this past summer that medical school is not an option for me. & now I'm so, so lost because my entire life has been about reaching this goal & now it's gone. I want to be a doctor so bad. I know I would be such a good psychiatrist. I could help so many people. But I will never get to, just because some whack-job in the early 1900s did enough cocaine to kill God & made that the basis for practicing medicine.

[jealousraisin]

Ch.5 - Chance Meetings

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

These days it seems you have company at your place more often than not. Vanessa was always a frequent flier in your home; staying multiple nights was common place for her. Now though, Luke has managed to be added to that roster of people who always seem to be at your place. The two of them have yet to officially cross paths, Vanessa is constantly asking about ‘your new friend’ and Luke always hears about the hi-jinks the two of you get up to in and out of work.

Today was one of those rare days you have your apartment to yourself, it feels a little strange. You woke up decently early for your standards, treading out to the living room only after having some phone in bed time. Taking a look around your apartment you realise a bit of a clean is in order, so you put on your go to playlist and get to work.

It looked like it was going to take longer but after all that sweating, running around and off-key singing, you check your phone to see that it’s only 11 A.M. Moving some stray hairs out of your slightly sweaty face, you decide it was a good idea to treat yourself with some form of sweet treat from your favourite local café and some window shopping. You take a quick shower and put an effort into dressing up a little, accessorising and putting a bit of flair to your look. Grabbing your tote-bag, you’re out the door and on your way.

The door to the café rings as you push it open, the sounds and smells you have grown to love over the years flooding your senses. Making a beeline to the counter, the barista recognises you and greets you with a smile.  You smile back, rattling off your usual order and adding a pastry for good measure. There was no need to tell them your name, you’ve spent countless hours here ever since your last year in college; finishing assessments and homework while being a little bit too caffeinated sometimes.

You take a seat, now able to have a proper look around, you see that it’s quite busy today; an electric buzz in the air. It wasn’t unusual for things to be busy around here, the café is on a main street and has received many a dazzling review by a handful of food bloggers. A part of you sometimes wishes that this café stayed as popular as it was when you first started coming here, lowkey and underrated; but another part of you swells with pride knowing that you were here before it was cool, that you were here first. A bit of a silly thought you think. Before you can get too deep into your thoughts; you hear your name being called out. Making your way over to the counter, you grab your order but not before generously tipping your barista.

You were about to make your way over to the door and be on your way when you feel a tap on your shoulder. Turning around you’re met face to face with a girl, she looks slightly nervous.

“Yes?” you ask, hopefully giving her the courage to say what she seemed to want to ask.

“Um…you wouldn’t happen to know a Luke Miller, would you?” She asks, her eyes say she is second guessing every word as it was coming out of her mouth.

You smile, a little confused on her question, but decide to answer truthfully anyways. “Yes, I do? Why?”

Her eyes widen, relaxing a bit when hearing your answer, “That probably sounded so so creepy to hear from a stranger just now oh my god sorry! It’s just I heard your name, and like, you looked like someone my brother was telling me about, actually he’s been talking about non-stop – wait TMI for the moment….uhh,” She rambles, she steadies herself by breathing out “I’m Charlie, Luke’s sister.” Charlie extends her hand out to you.

Now it’s your turn to be surprised, a smile spreading out on your face as you take her hand. “Charlie! I’ve heard so much about you it’s nice to put a face to the name and stories”

“Good things I hope?” she giggles.

“About as good as a sibling can get when talking about their little sister” you chuckle.

“Oh my gosh I totally wasn’t thinking!! You were literally about to walk out when I interrupted you! Did you like, have some place to go? Did I keep you?” Charlie steps back a little, which admittedly is hard to do with the amount of people in the café today.

You’re quickly shaking your head in disagreement “Oh no you’re fine! Actually, today is a bit of a free day for me. I was just going to go and do some window shopping really,”

“If that’s the case, how about you join me and my boyfriend today? We were going to do the same thing! Great minds think alike”

You find it’s hard to not be absorbed into her enthusiasm. You agree to join them. Next thing you know, you’re being led by the hand to a table near the back corner of the café by Charlie. As you awkwardly stand at the table with Charlie beaming down at her partner, you’re struck with a feeling that you’ve seen this guy before but can’t quite place it. That train of thought gets interrupted by Charlie introducing you to him.

“Jono! This is that person Luke keeps talking about, can you believe it?? That we just happened to be here at the same time??” She beams at him as she brings the two of you to sit down. ‘Jono’ is staring at his phone, rapidly typing something.

“I’ve heard of YOU talking about how he goes on about them. I barely listen to a word that comes out of that guy’s mouth” He coldly says. Such a contrast to Charlie’s enthusiasm…

“Don’t mind him, he’s not good with new people. I promise he’s not mad at you, like, at all. He’s also a bit of a hater towards Luke.” She reaffirms, laughing about that last fact.

Jonothan looks up from his phone, putting it down on the table. “You know, if you have any dirt on him. I’m willing to pay”

“Jonothan!” Charlie scolds.

You’re a little taken aback, but realise he is mostly joking so you laugh and tell him you would ‘most definitely’ pass on all the gossip to him. Charlie is a little flustered that this is how your first interaction with her and him is going. The three of you enjoy your respective orders at the table before heading out of the café.

Charlie and you are getting along fantastically, from the way Luke was describing her she truly is a ‘girly girl’. She radiates femininity in concentrations you didn’t know were possible, if this were high school you would have been way too intimidated to even look her way. Glad that those days are in the past; you find her energy and conversation easy to enjoy and reciprocate.

“So, anything in particular you wanted to look at?”

You think a bit before shrugging “I was thinking of landing myself a new accessory today but I’m honestly not sure” speaking honestly

“Hmm, if that’s the case why don’t we check out some stores nearby and once we’re properly in the shopping mood we can find you the perfect accessory?” Charlie suggests thoughtfully. She truly is an experienced shopper if you’ve ever seen one. Jonothan seems to be absorbing in the sights of the manicured shop displays as you all walk through the shopping district.

The further you walk, the fancier the stores get. You feel a little uneasy about the growing price tags with every step you take, but don’t say anything. If it comes down to it you can just say nothing caught your eye. Charlie takes the three of you into various stores along the way, telling the two of you all about how ‘this piece is an offshoot of something that was in Paris fashion week this year’ and that ‘The stitching could have been better’ on this; clearly, she knows her stuff. Before you know it, you’re in the luxury brand side of the shopping district. You feel out of place, but Charlie and Jonothan guide you through these brands like it’s an average Tuesday.

As you walk through one particular store, one of their adverts catch your eye. It was promoting their summer perfume. The face staring back at you was about as familiar as three seconds ago.

“Haha hey Jono look! It’s you, BUT BIGGER. Ah man they totally edited out your freckles this time ‘round” You hear Charlie jab at Jonothan, your pale face must have been absolutely hilarious because you could hear Jonothan let out a quick laugh. Charlie smacks the back of his head.

“Be nice, not everyone rubs shoulders with high fashion models everyday like you do. Oh my gosh don’t be snooty” She reprimands.

It’s not that you’re in shock that your friends’ sister’s boyfriend is a famous model; but the fact that you didn’t recognise THE Jonothan Turner. The exact same model that Vanessa has been religiously following since you guys met in college. You have heard about basically every single online escapade this guy has had, which has stressed out his poor manager and social media team to no end. His latest shoots and promotional videos shoved in your face by her while you’re trying to get reports done at work.

You recompose yourself and shake your head “No it’s not that at all! I just can’t believe I met you and didn’t recognise you! My friend is a big fan, she’s shown me all of your shoots and despite all that I totally didn’t register that THAT was who I was talking to and hanging out with” You’re rambling.

“Ah, so that was it” Jonothan now had a slight smirk on his face “And I take it you’re…not a fan?”

“NO, it’s not that, just that this kind of stuff” you gesture to the various fancy displays and salespeople around the store “never really caught my eye, not my scene…”

Jonothan gently nods, and then goes off to continue wandering the store. I guess that’s that.

“Did your friend really show you every single shoot?” Charlie was back next to you in an instant, leaving Jonothan to do his own thing.

“Every single one since I’ve met her at least, I guess I’m up to date”

“How would she feel about seeing my own personal shoots with him”

“I think she would implode seeing stuff that hasn’t been released to the public,” you pause “But wouldn’t you feel weird showing them to her? I mean she’s a big fan…like ravenous almost”

Charlie giggles “Not really. A fan is a fan, at the end of the day that guy is still my boyfriend despite it all.”  You’re both sifting through some clothes “Besides, he’s a model. It’s his job to be looked at”

You guess you have to agree with that.

“Oooh let’s go in here! They have some amazing accessories!! Maybe we’ll find something for you” She enthuses. You not so much. The three of you were very much in the crazy expensive side of the shopping district now, so expensive that the pieces don’t have any price tags on them. But she wasn’t wrong, the pieces were amazing and so absolutely your style. Within the short amount of time you have been hanging out, Charlie has figured out your tastes with scary accuracy. As Jonothan is on the other side, trying out some new rings with one of the attendants; Charlie and you are taking a look at the necklaces and bracelets. Your eyes land on a stunning piece, something so your style it’s basically torture to look at knowing that it is most certainly out of your price range. You will yourself to look away, you can fantasise about it later while buying cheap jewellery online.

“See anything you like?” She asks, suddenly close to you. You jump a bit, so absorbed in that piece you didn’t notice her right next to you.

“Uhh, no, not really” You lie. “I don’t think today is my lucky day”

“Oh, that’s a shame”

Leaving the store, Charlie and Jonothan are walking out each with matching black paper shopping bags. You on the other hand are empty handed, save for those pair of sunglasses and shirt you bought earlier on in the day when the stores were a lot cheaper. Despite your lack of purchases, you were satisfied with the day, you well and truly did window shop. Charlie and Jonothan being professionals at such a thing. If you were to do it alone, you would have never dared to even step foot in the direction of the stores and boutiques you saw today. It really did refresh you to imagine styling and wearing all the clothes and accessories that piqued your interest. It helped that the energy Charlie and Jonothan brought to the table was easy enough to match. You still couldn’t believe you met THE Jonothan, Vanessa would be bouncing off the walls at this information.

“Thanks for today guys, it was really great meeting you”

“No way!! I should be thanking YOU” Charlie makes a move to give you a goodbye hug, Jonothan gives you an awkward wave “Honestly, sorry for coming up to you in the café like that. Not my smoothest introduction hahaha” She’s looking flustered, how cute.

“Yeah, it was alright meeting you” Jonothan adds.

“Oh!! Wait, like…I totally was going to ask when we were walking around the stores earlier. Can we exchange numbers?” She asks, fishing around her bag for her phone. You agree and add each other as contacts. “One more thing! Haha sorry I keep almost forgetting things. Let’s take a selfie to commemorate our meeting! What crazy chance we had today”

“As long as you promise to send it to me” you smile as you position yourself in the frame of the picture. Charlie quickly snaps various poses and angles. Once you’re done, you say goodbye to them and head in the opposite direction; waving them off for a little bit longer.

Your phone pings

’10 attachments’

‘Hope we get to hang out soon!’

You’re smiling down at your phone, something that seems to be happening more and more often these days.

‘Of course ;3 Thank you for today!!’ you reply back.

So much for a day just by yourself…this was better.

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

I do not understand me. I don't. I wish I could just listen to my body (she types with chest pressure, shredded throat, racing thoughts, tightwired jaw) and know what I'm feeling and know that it's a legitimate response to something and know the wise way to respond.

I want to cry. I want to run. I want to binge and booze. Honestly, I could fuck with a cigarette. My SI thoughts have surged in the past 48 hours. First it was in the car on the way back from Lolla, my friends (she isn't my friend, pushes back when I refer to her as friend - girlfriend?!? ugh fuck) playing the Esther Perel game and I just wanted to be gone. I had had a perfect weekend and all I felt was dread and despair and the very strong urge to not try anymore.

I scrolled way too late, was woken up early by cramps, and was in a haze all morning that felt like a hangover. Waves of mortification and regret keep coming about my choices for the concert, the money spent, the tequila consumed, my fucking behavior, but that was two days ago. Finally this morning I slammed two Alani Nu and had a lovely time with my family.

But then it was time to go to her house, and I didn't want to. I felt it in my body, knew I'd rather stay home, but didn't want to disappoint her or make her sad. "You aren't in charge of my feelings" she tells me, as my (former) therapist's voice in my head reminds me that MUC's sadness is her responsibility, not mine. But she's having a hard time at work, and her family is going through a lot, and I can't be another difficult thing for her. So I shower and pack my bag and drive here, to her house, and at first it's fine: she's obviously sad and quiet but we watch the Teddy Swims livestream and it's beautiful. But then I ask how she's doing, and she shares more family trauma updates, and she's clearly tearful, and I don't want to be here. I don't know how to be comforting, don't know what to say or do, feel so overwhelmed and inadequate and trapped and guilty. She pivots with a joke and I grasp the lifeline but I feel like a failure.

Now we're in bed and the chest pressure is turning to chest pain and I'm wide awake and I don't think she'll initiate sex when she's sad (OH MY GOD I FORGOT: last night at my place, she was in pain so I was massaging her, and I wanted to distract her from the acute pain so she'd relax, so I started kissing her neck and she hella responded, like beyond the pain distraction, and she's grinding into me and then does try to touch me over my shorts and I stop her somehow but then she starts it again and I manage to stop her again and I blame it on my period but then today, literally two minutes or less before Teddy Swims starts live streaming, she checks in with "Hey, I know you stopped me twice yesterday and the burden of blah blah blah can be emotional labor to blah blah blah so I just wanted to check in to make sure we're ok" and I'm stunned and immediately make what I think is a reassuring affirmative noise, but she's still looking at me like she wants an answer so I tell her we're good. There wasn't enough time, she was just needing quick reassurance, that was not the time or place to talk to her about my dubious relationship with consent and pleasure: right when she's got dinner on her lap and her hand hovered above the remote control. So I lied.) and then tonight she does just turn off the lights for sleep but I'm dying inside. She's being cuddly and affectionate and soft and romantic, kissing my cheek a lot and I want to leave but I don't want to upset her or cause a scene so I tell her I want to go grab my book and read, but then she's crawling on top of me, face an inch from mine, demanding a kiss and then staying there for a second after I gave into the first. I finally pulled away from her fairly abruptly, grabbed my book and turned on the lamp, and here I am typing while she's falling asleep, but then she asks out of the blue (my book is unopened on my lap and I'm clearly typing, not reading, so not out of the blue) if everything is okay and I lie again, say yes.

But I don't know how to be honest. There's no time. She's all romance and pink joy or sadness and vulnerability and I think about flying from a noose necklace at least four times a day. Sometimes I feel turned on around her, sometimes I feel affectionate - the other day I think I even experienced a twinge of jealousy when she told the story of falling for a guy who then ghosted her - but other times I feel so fucking platonic and fake and confused and like I've lost my best friend and I'm stuck here playing house.

I'm hungry. My ED and finances only gave me 12oz of oat milk with a serving of protein powder for dinner, and before that it was just granola and half a Chipotle bowl. It's not enough but I'm scared to spend money, unable to cook, bound by all my food rules. I'm dreading catching up at work from being gone for a week, dreading my late monthly deadlines, dreading going onto the floor, dreading my presentations, dreading my stagnant mortifying underperformance in my career. I'm poor because I'm not good enough and I can't do any better to earn any more and I'm so embarrassed. I want to drink and numb it away but the booze makes everything more complicated and the Benadryl leaves me groggy and god knows what the energy drinks are doing and I'm trying so hard to cut it on black coffee and green smoothies but it's not enough and I don't know what to do.

Sometimes things feel so good, and other times it all feels so fake and big and wrong and heavy. I feel so unmoored. I was going to make a positivity pledge with my BFF to stop my shit talking and gossiping, and maybe I need to do the same thing for my brain: take an extended break from negative thinking and writing and talking, even at the risk of temporarily ignoring some valid things, because I so desperately need to rewire my brain. My 3-month PCP follow-up is soon and I want to ask for the max of my med. It helped a bit but I'm either experiencing a plateau or a dip.

I didn't want to leave while she was sleeping. She just said she's awake and might need to take meds to fall asleep. I want to be brave and tell her I'm leaving. I want to be resilient and stay. I want to not be here at all. But I'll probably leave so I can at least eat food in peace.

Edit: I left, she gave me her generic line about wanting me to do whatever I want to do, I accidentally hit her mailbox with my car while backing up, and I bought a huge quesadilla and enjoyed my binge while watching YouTube videos and resisting sleep until 2:30am. Not my best night, but also not my worst. I'm glad I left.