#I somehow didn’t reblog this from myself sorry about that hahaha | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

franeridart · 5 years ago

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Anon said: Um so hello, I’m just here to say keep up the awesome work, I love your kiribaku art and it’s adorable and I go on binges through your blog (omg I sound so creepy I’m sorry I just love ur art so much) and it makes my day so yeah please keep drawing!

Ahhhhh you don’t sound creepy at all, don’t worry!!!!! Thank you so much for liking my stuff that much!!!!!!! <3<3

Anon said: May ask what kiri///mina would look like in your style? You don't have to draw it if you don't like the ship.

Gosh sorry but I really really don’t ship it!

Anon said: you know how I miss?? your OCs!!! they're the cutest!!

AWE thank you so much!!!!!!! I have a few comics planned for them, hope I’ll manage getting to them soon enough!!! (oT^T)9<3

Anon said: This is so sappy but some of your kiribaku posts really make me really appreciate long relationships! I’ve always found pining and crushes the cutest bc it’s full of intense feelings, but you portray being in love and accepting each other so well!! it’s amazing how you show characters interacting with each other and being so comfortable instead of worrying about hiding part of themselves and long story short I love your art and ideas so much

This ask!!!!!!!!! means the universe!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so glad I can manage portraying love in such a way, I’m so in love with the idea of open, accepting love, andI try seriously hard to make it look healthy in my comics so!!!!!!! thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have no clue how many times I’ve reread this ask I’m not even exaggerating TT^TT <3

Anon said: I just want to start off by saying you’re my favourite blog on tumblr, your art is incredibly adorable and always makes my day!! I was just wondering how you were able to create your own unique art style? It’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately with my own art. Any advice is appreciated, thanks for everything you do!!

I think it’s about finding the right spot between what feels comfortable for you and the end you’re using your art for? In my case what’s comfortable is something fun and smooth, and the main end has always been to be able to draw comics - I’ve always liked comics because I like writing and I like drawing, but my attention span was too short to manage finishing them, and the way I had of drawing was too stiff to properly convey emotions the way I wanted to, which made drawing comics sound like an impossible dream haha I fixed it by simplifying my style, by taking away or reducing to the bare minimum everything that took me ages to work out/draw and pushing my expressions and body language to extremes to make up for the lack of details.

That’s just my experience with it, though! The best advice I can give you is to sit back and look at your current way of drawing from an objective perspective - do you enjoy it? Is the process of drawing something you’re comfortable with? What’s uncomfortable in it for you, and in which ways could you change it to make it comfortable and fun? Does your current art style allow you to do what you want to do with your art? If you want to paint, does it allow you to paint in an easy and fun way? If you want to make comics, does it allow you the range to properly portray a character moving and living without making you wish you’d never started drawing halfway through it?

Imho the first step to find a style that’s your own and feels right is to find a style that’s fun to use and doesn’t stress you to hell and back every time you pick up your pencil. This is easier to do the more things you attempt, so for a bit being inconsistent in style is a good and normal thing - try things out! The best one for you will definitely stick in the end. And if you already feel comfortable with the way you have of drawing, then hell! You already have a style that works for you! Just because to you it doesn’t look unique and special it doesn’t mean that it isn’t - if you asked me to point out what makes my style unique I wouldn’t be able to tell you either, the way I see it my style is the most uninteresting and common-looking style out there. To be honest with you that’s probably just how it is for every artist out there hahaha

Anon said: Hi!! I love your art and just want you to know I always get a big, stupid smile on my face whenever I see you cross my feed, whether it’s something new or a reblog of an old post. Everything you do is just amazing and I love it

AHHHHHHH Thank you so so much!!!!!!!!! (TT^TT)<3<3<3

Anon said: Hey Fran! First off, thank you for the Fire Force art. I remembered to actually check it out, after seeing it lol. Second, I still can't find your Fatgum 😭😭 the link didn't give any, and searching on your page didn't help either. I WILL FIND IT ONE DAY

I think it’s a problem of the app orz I can see him just find from desktop but the app can’t find him either T-T stupid app!

Anon said: Do you have a mini Bakugou and Kirishima living in your head? Are they just living their lives up in your brain and that causes your hand to to write and draw the most perfect and accurate things? Of course mini Kaminari, Sero, Mina, Jirou, etc. also come to visit your head hole from time to time and just chill with mini Baku and Kiri. That’s the only logical explanation on how all your Bakushima content is so inconceivably spot on

That’s such a kind thing of you to say, anon!!!!!! I’m glad you find them that IC!!!!!! I try my best, but sometimes I admit I just have them do and say stuff I’ve done and said myself, the only difference is that I word things in a way that feels right for their usual way of talking hahaha

Anon said: I personally would love to read your essay on why bakugo is the best character ever because I really really really want to love him that much but i feel like there's something that I'm just not getting about him- there's something I'm missing about his personality (keeping in mind that i kinda left the manga after the whole mirio/8 precepts arc). I've always found bakugo compelling and would love love love to read your take on him! Hope you have a great day!

Bakugou has had some amazing character development scenes after the overhaul arc!!!!! He’s outright shown he understands where he was lacking and where he was wrong, that he’s perfectly capable of working in a team and letting people help him and helping them in return, that he cares about his class and how the rest of the world sees them! (and that he worries/cares about how the world sees him too, actually, that broke my heart a bit ;; ) We haven’t seen him in a hot minute by now, but most of anything before the current arc has had him improve and develop and become even better than he already was - I’ve always thought him a good guy with just a lot of troubles relating to the world around him due the way he has been brought up as special and different (it creates a drift between yourself and the rest of the world when everyone around you keeps treating you as if you were other - when you tell a kid he’s different and better for his whole life he’s bound to grow up believing it, after all), but if the problem you have with him is that he isn’t showing the good in himself plainly and obviously enough, then the arcs after the overhaul one are gonna help you like him better, definitely

Well, the thing about Bakugou is that he’s not a plain/obvious character, so you need to think about his actions and his words a bit more, and can’t just take him at face value - it’s what I like about him, actually! How much you need to think about him to figure him out on a deeper level than just the surface one. Since I dunno why you like him and why you feel something’s missing, I can’t tell you specifically what it is in the way I see him that completes him for me, but as I said I try to keep him as IC as I can so probably reading my comics about him might help you understand the way I see him. To me Bakugou’s honest, and kind, and loving, but he’s also arrogant, and angry, and used to taking some things for granted, and I like how all those things work with and against each other in his character. He’s at the same time incredibly proud and absurdly insecure, and I like that about him too - where each comes from and where and how they clash, I like the complexity it gives him. I like that he’s a people person in the sense that he likes having people around himself, and I like that at the same time UA is the first time he’s had actual, honest to god best friends, and how that means that he’s gonna be awkward when usually he’s so sure and proud simply because he isn’t used to having people he actually specifically cares for, I very much like that about him. I like that he overthinks everything he doesn’t immediately gets, I like that he still acts on instincts more often than not, I like that somehow with him those two aren’t mutually exclusive. I like that he’s smart and still so damn dumb, I like that he’s just as simple-minded as he is an actually labyrinth in thought process, I like how one-track minded he is even on the most silly things - how once he sets his eyes on a goal he goes for it like his life depends on it. I like that he’s barsh and rude and impulsive in what he says and does, but when he fucks up he knows he fucked up, and he backstracks, and he does his best to make amends. I like that he sits in stupid ways and has the worst posture in the class and then he wears his hero costume and suddenly he’s a model on the catwalk, that’s so damn endearing to me. I like how ridiculously hyperbolic he is and how he just assumes people will get it, get what he actually means, like there’s a point between his brain and his mouth were things get blown out of proportion and he doesn’t even realize it. There’s just so many things to love about him, for me!!

But most importantly I like that he started as low as he could get and that because of it his plot is a one way towards the summit. I like it. I like watching a character grow and every new chapter become a better version of themselves, I love it. Ultimately that’s probably why he’s my favorite, after all haha

Anon said: Hi, this isn’t a question but I just wanted to say how much I love your art and the way you clearly appreciate Bakugou as a character. So many of my friends hate him, but I think he has a lot of depth and so much potential. Your art always makes me smile! Thanks for doing what you do. :)

THANK YOU and thank you for liking the boy too!!!!!!! He deserves it, he absolutely does deserve it!!!!!!! <3<3<3

Anon said: I just went digging in the archives of my blog (which is.. a mess) and found some old art of yours (like... I'm talking bokuto and kuroo level old) and g o s h. I already loved your art so much then and I still do n hhhhhhhh u go. U great.

Gosh you’ve been around a long time then!!!!! Thank you so much for sticking with me all this time!!!! ✨o(TT0TT)o✨

#fran answers #long post #sorry for disappearing on all of you btw!!#some of you might know already but i've spent most of the last week consuming stuff more than producing it haha #sometimes i need that too

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ask-hungary-prussia · 6 years ago

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I own you an explanation

Hi again... although I don't feel I can say just a hi after being one month without giving any hint of me being alive or anything like that.

Some of you may have notice I suddenly stopped being around here, even when I'm the first in be in tumblr all the time reblogging or talking with you. But the truth is that it hasn't only happened here, but in real life.

Since 10ish of April, until the last week before this, I didn't go to classes, I didn't left home any single time, because I never left the bed except for basic needs

I just, I just couldn't do anything, not a single motivation to get up, my body was like almost not responding, cause I hadn't any will. I have never been a motivated person, but I could always go on with my life, taking more effort than in normal circustances, but at least I kept going

But all sudden, I just couldn't do anything this month, not getting up, not sitting in my chair, and forget about drawing, I didn't touch anything like paper or my tablet during that period of time... Nothing, not a single motivation, bad sleeping, and of course failing classes because I couldn't even go to them and make the exams/put my name in the assistence paper

And every day that passed I just kept feeling worse...worse, but at the same time, I just felt nothing. I mean, I have dealing with depression and anxiety behaviours since 5 or 6 years know, but I could always get up and force myself to walk, to talk, to go out, to do a life, even if I didn't felt confortable. But this month was an exception, it seems.

Anyway, around a week and a half, I went to my psychologist finally (I'm supposed to go every 15 days because my economic position, but I hadn't seen her for around one month and a half). I mean, going there doesn't really help me that much, because my behaviour is a reaction of the main problem, which is at my home, a place where I have to be always, a place where...well, you call home. Anyways that's not the subject here. The thing is that she made me somehow makes me promise that I will go this last week to classes but as I hadn't any notes or what they saw in that month, I of course couldn't understand anything, but at least that helped me to get out of bed and go out of home.... yeah yeah I'm such an idiot for not going the last important month hahaha now pray for me because my finals are in a week

And well, I forced myself to go to class these 2 last weeks, and I made it! It's not a biiig stept, but at least I began to smile again and laughing at things

The problem now is that, as I didn't go to class, I may have lose the year because of that and return the money of what cost that year😭😂 I don't know if I want to laugh or cry at this point hahahahaha

The last thing I wanted to tell you, is that I'm trying to draw again!! I took my pencil last weekend and started to sketch up some things.... I failed of course hahaha but at least I spent a good time... and now I want to draw again all the time! But I don't do it yo, now I'm too busy trying to make a miracle happen for me passing the next finals exams without having full notes...... Today I had one exam, a parcial exam..... and I fail 🙃 I promised my psychologist next time I will tell her that after focusing a whole week in the exam, I passed it..... But now it will be a lie, at least I tried

Well... I think that's everything. Sorry for my english, it's 4 am, and English was another thing I didn't touch in a month, and now I'm really struggling with the verb to be and have

Hmmm last thing last thing...ah! Right! I want to say you I'm really glad and thankfully of all of you, even if you didn't notice my absence or did <3, although i don't deserve you, I know I'm such a mess even when I spent all my life trying to cover it up

I'm not planning to abandoned this blog, this still feels to me like the only island in a really big big ocean, a place that helps me a lot. Also, [don't read this part if you don't like it] this last season of Miraculous Ladybug is bomb! So I'm really in a urge of drawing those to dorks too... but I know there's people here which don't like the show, and I understand it, that's why I'm planning to do another blog just for MLB!...well.... if you want to. It wouldn't be now, but it's just an idea

Now, it's true I won't be that active in June or some days of July because my final exams, but when I have free time, I'll use it to recover what I forgot about drawing!! And although I don't upload any drawing, I'm always waiting happily to talk with you all, and answer always any question from you! ♡ (specially those which don't require drawing, at least for these weeks, I mean, you won't want to see a deformed potato for Hungary)

Have a nice night/day/whatever!! Look the bright side, at least this year you didn't had Mishapocalypse or Eurovision memes from me I couldn't see Eurovision this year because...things, but I heard Russia's song and I felt in love

Well, I'll stop writing now, it's already 4:30, I spent 30 min writing this and my fingers hurts haha. See you later!!

#mun speaks #hetalia #no hetalia

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invincibledrew · 6 years ago

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OK, so since I’m terrible at remembering to reply when people send me ask games stuff, I have no idea what posts these numbers were originally meant to be from but I’m going to use this post because it’s the most recent one I’ve reblogged, and just answer every number I can find in my askbox. So, sorry if you sent a number and this isn’t the question you wanted answered, but I’m disorganized so this is as good as it’s gonna get.

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Probably my mom, even though I’m a grown-up. Unless you count my roommate’s dog, because I try to hold her hands all the time

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I’d hope so, not sure tbh

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Nice people who share common interests. I’m not sure, I’m both not picky and very picky

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Gosh, that’s tough. Monster by dodie, the version of Hazy Shade of Winter from The Umbrella Academy, Bad Guy by Billie Eilish, Roaring 20s by Panic! at the Disco, and Human by dodie

22. Where would you like to travel?

London, Australia, Tokyo, so many places honestly. I’ve never been out of the US, but some day...

23. Do you have trust issues?

Yes, being bullied for my entire childhood and dealing with various traumas at a (relatively) young age definitely gave me major trust issues

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Some day, if I’m with the right person, then yes, but it’s not a requirement

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

I’m not going to say for fear of any of them somehow finding this

33. Spell your name with your chin.

OK here goes: crere kamp (ok so I got my last name but not my first name)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Hahaha, no. Although I did dance for 14 years growing up, but nothing anymore

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

I guess I’d have to say TV, because there are other forms of entertainment, but music is so important I can’t live without it

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I laugh awkwardly and then start rambling about random stuff

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

My dream person would be someone who is kind, can make me laugh, makes me feel safe, who I can have conversations with, and who I can be myself around.

54. Favourite store?

Some kind of book store, maybe the Strand, or the Drama Book Shop before it closed

59. First thing you ate this morning?

I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, but the first thing I had today was a mint because I had a headache

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nope, never even got detention

Thanks for all the asks, sorry if I didn’t do yours, but please send me more (and maybe send me your actual questions too if you want a specific one answered because I will forget again. :)

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hufflepuffwannabe · 7 years ago

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Interview with @studyblr

@studyblr was kind enough to give me some of her time to share about her experiences here in the studyblr community. Rachel radiates kindness and quiet wisdom, and this place just wouldn’t be the same without her, right? I really wanted to get to know her better and figured the rest of the world ought to, too.

me: Well, I think everyone is dying to know how you got your URL. What's the story behind it? Rachel: So, I am a very night-active person, thus being on tumblr at about 2 am on a school night (setting a great example, I know). It was around December 2016, this blog being just 4 months old and still called @mujischolar. While I was absent-mindendly scrolling through tumblr I noticed one of the people I was following announced they'd be going on a hiatus. But because their URL was so popular, they wanted to give it away. So I glanced at their URL - studyblr.tumblr.com. As it was on a first-come-first-serve basis I immediately texted her, she was so so nice and after a short talk (we were mutuals) she agreed to give me her URL. I have treasured it ever since. And also, contrary to the myths, have never killed anyone for it....... ever.... ;) me: Hahaha, everyone will be relieved to know no one was murdered. Do you know the origins of the studyblr community? Rachel: Sadly, I don't, discovered the community around 2014/2015, lurking for a couple of years. Would love to know more about it. Maybe we could even set up an anniversary to celebrate the community, hehe me: When did you start becoming really active and what kinds of posts did you post? Rachel: I started becoming really active when I made this blog in August 2016. Fairly quickly I found out that my strength in this community and the main contribution would probably be my text posts! I adore writing them and seeing all of the positive reactions to them. Also, it's something that wasn't *that* popular back then, as studyblr was (and still is) mostly dominated by studyspo pictures. Occasionally I still post some pictures of my own, but my text posts are still most important to me, also the most popular kind of posts on my blog as well! me: Tell me more about your text posts. Do you have a process for writing them? What inspires you? Rachel: Sometimes they're flashs of inspiration like lightning, sometimes little rain drops that slowly unite into a bigger one. Most of my inspiration actually comes from things I struggle with myself, as a sort of self-reminder. What I also really enjoy are concept posts or "types of...." posts, as both help me to, in a way, learn more about myself as well in the process of writing them! Some of my other most popular posts are simple encouragments though, just because I think everyone needs them once in a while. Some time after I started I began having a pretty clear idea how I wanted my blog to *feel* like, the atmosphere I was trying to convey, and a huge part of that is this a cozy feeling of being accepted the way you are but still pushed to challenge yourself and grow as an individual.

me: How has the community grown and changed since you joined? Related: when did your popularity really take off, and do you think that that's helped shaped the community? Rachel: The community has definitely grown a lot and changed as well since I joined. A lot of my followers are not part of the studyblr community, for some this blog has been their first stepping stone into our little world. I've seen trends come and go, from special kinds of pens or ways of taking notes (remember when the Cornell note taking method was all everybody talked about?) etc. My blog has grown ever since I got this URL, and in the span of a year I've gained around 110.000 new followers. What I def noticed was that, to my delight, others started posting similair text posts as well, and they became much more of a part of studyblr than they were before! That made me extremely happy, also because I love reading them just as much as I love creating them. me: There are a number of members of this community who think that there is too much of an emphasis on studying to your breaking point and/or aesthetics coupled with expensive stationery. Basically, they find all of this troublesome and unrealistic. What message would you give to them? Rachel: Romanticization of studying until you are basically destroying yourself is unfortunately very real in the studyblr community, and I have to admit that when I was just starting out here I caught myself thinking in these patterns as well. Much like the romanticization of mental illness or any body-damaging substances it can be incredibly harmful to think that way, and I am very glad that the general awareness for this issue is rising. Somehow, there is this idea that you are not really productive until you are stressed 24/7 and pulling one all-nighter after another. And this is simply not true. Thankfully, there are a lot of posts emerging now critically adressing this problem and debunking it as well. But there def has been a positive development, at least from my perspective, with the enhanced importance of self-care too. Regarding the studyblr aesthetic, the notes etc: There have been a lot of people over the years in my ask-box simply not realising why one would put so much effort into their notes or their bullet journal, claiming it's unproductive and a waste of time and whatnot. But, clearly, to the people who are passionate about it, it is a hobby they are devoted to and that they enjoy. Sure, there is always a limit -- rewriting your notes 5 times just because of a little mistake, for example. But as long as one is self-aware about the need for a balance between "I want this to look pretty" and "I need to get stuff done", I don't see a problem with it at all. As with most things, balance is key. The "expensive stationery" part is an issue that needs to be adressed seperately, I believe. One of studyblr's main flaws is its elitism. Most posts that get reblogged are filled with Muji and Mildliners and Macbooks, with expensive scented candles etc. That's something we as a community have to deal with as well - a great way is spreading awareness esp. to baby studyblrs starting out that YOU DO NOT NEED EXPENSIVE STATIONERY TO BE A STUDYBLR, which is so so important. Another great way though is tracking a tag - mine is #lookstudyblr - where all studyblrs (and blogs and general) can post their posts to for you to see and reblog them. In that way, little blogs or blogs without many followers or with non-conventional set-ups can be supported as well me: Do you think you'll continue with studyblr into university? Rachel: I definitely will! Not too sure what I want to pursue in university, or even in what country I want to study, so this blog is a very nice constant to have haha me: Softball question: What are your favorite study snacks and drinks? Rachel: My favorite study snacks have to be strawberries or blueberries, my favorite study drink has to be (typical studyblr answer i am so sorry) either the berry drink at starbucks or the cinnamon latte thing. i forgot their names. can't even #typicalstudyblr properly, hahaha me: Harder (?) question: What motivates you most of all? Rachel: For a long time, what motivated me most was that I wanted to get accepted to Oxford University. A lot of what I did, even this blog, was part of my efforts to get in there. When I first heard back and was accepted to interview, I was naturally elated. But when I was there - I had pictured it to be so much more than it was. I had completely focused on that and only that, and seeing, when I got there, that that place might really not be for me was devastating. I didn't want to accept it at first, but when I got my rejection, I sort of knew that they just did me a huge favor. Maybe I'll re-apply next year, maybe not, but just the process of realising that there is so much more out there for me has changed me so much. After that, my main motivation changed extremely. Some would argue it's much more vague now, but it gives me the amount of freedom I need: I sincerely want to make a positive impact. Through this blog, through my studies, through my job. I won't lie and say finding something else to motivate you after having something so definite for so long wasn't hard, but I believe this "search" I was going through and in a way still am was such a big part of me, growing as a person. And I am so so glad that my blog is growing and changing with me. me: What would you like to say to baby studyblrs that you don't think has been said before or enough? Rachel: To baby studyblrs I would like to say that you should learn to put yourself first. I believe a lot of people who join the studyblr community are too eager to prioritise their goals, schoolwork or other people before themselves. (Of course it doesn't apply to everybody here, just to a majority, especially when you look at people who are just starting out). Learning to put yourself first is one of the best decisions you can make, and also one of the hardest. Put yourself first, and don't let others define you. Don't let the fact that you don't have expensive stationery define you, or that you dislike the typical studyblr aesthetics, or that bad grade, or that one person's opinion. I'm not saying to ignore every advice anyone ever gives to you, but be aware of yourself and your situation. There's no use in lying to ourselves, it won't make anything better anway, sadly. me: Last question: how has studyblr shaped your life? Rachel: Even if I tried, I don't think I could sum up the ways in which studyblr has truly shaped me, as it is such a big part of my life now. It helped immensly with self-awareness, self-confidence and self-care, as well as connected me to so many wonderful people, I'll always be so grateful for all of this.

#studyblr #studyspo #studyspiration #lookstudyblr #motivation #inspiration #hufflepuffwannabemine #littlestudyblrblog #einstetic #rivkahlook #rhubarbstudies #academiix #athenastudying #heypfyn

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elizabethrobertajones · 7 years ago

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13x03 watching notes

The Saga Of Dean’s Fluctuating Grief Scruff

Berens has made me cry exponentially more in each of his episodes for a while. At this rate I will cry 6-9 times in this episode, so I really hope we break the streak.

I'm so pumped for this episode.

Hahaha me 10 seconds ago: fuk u berens don't make me cry

recap: how about we paste "goodbye Cas" over the shot of Dean kneeling by dead Cas?

I have returned with my stuffed toy umbreon "taako from eevee" and I have hugs

OH NO Jack recap, pasting Lucifer over him in awful flashes and trying to sell his dark side even though he is a squishy.

WELP they're going right there with the Sam drinking blood parallel with Dean saying when has anything ever gone right for us. Is Jack going to Fuck Up today? Or is that just emotional backstory?

Awww Missouri's BFF. I love her already.

I guess this guy is the wraith. I think I remember him from the promos.

Hey, here's the tarot cards. They're for the MotW

The wraith was in the mirror that's behind them but it didn't show his face all wraith-y. Pfft.

Uhoh, Dean's music is different... Brb need to get a Mittens on the line.

The only word I caught was wall and then we cut to no music and Jack marvelling at the brickwork.

Okay, Mittens told me the song and I looked it up and yeah it's the Rolling Stones and completely romantically neutral.

This is the bit we got:

Mama says yes, Papa says no, Make up you mind 'cause I gotta go. Gonna raise hell at the Union Hall, Drive myself right over the wall.

I almost think it was chosen just because Jack was pawing at the wall.

Jack being fascinated with the bricks in both 13x01 when Sam was ASKING him about the portals between universes, and now when he's just pawing at the bricks reeeally makes me feel like Jack has a fascination with the brick and mortar pattern, like these lines between the solid planes are somehow tickling at whatever deep down cosmic part of himself knows about the portals. If he's still figuring it out or something.

Oh no here's the awful promo that nearly made me cry last night.

I am so sad that Jack's been hiding in his room.

It is adorable how he looks at the data stick, like, getting it's important but totally baffled about HOW and what to DO with it. Sam's starting to take for granted that Jack is a bit more... well, together, than he actually is. The real question is does Sam know he was stabbing himself? That's such a hard thing for Dean to tell Sam, and not betray empathy to Jack - unless he grumpily delivers the news and legs it :P

But yeah, anyway. Sam expecting Jack to be able to do things he can't, maybe starting to take Jack's fast learning for granted when it comes to how he's managed to adapt to burgers and reading and stuff. He's still a 4-5 day old person, and he's never done this before... Sam hands him the USB stick without even stopping to think at first that Jack might not be capable of using it...

*stares at Sam staring at Jack* I think he's feeling deeply sympathetic - I reblogged some meta about how they have a shared experience here but Jack's getting so much more than Sam ever did. Ironically, I was gonna make a parallel to Home, without stopping to think that Missouri is here but let's call it a real meta parallel then - Mary saying even 3 words to Sam in Home was the most Sam had ever seen of her in his entire life and the most words he could remember her saying to him, ever. Of course Mary and Kelly were/are paralleled as mothers, and Kelly to Jack will be a much more pure image because she never did anything dark or made any deals - he's born because she had no idea she was sleeping with Lucifer, so even though Mary was put in an AWFUL place she made the deal with enough accountability she is held responsible for it, and FEELS responsible for it. Since Jack's powers are already being textually paralleled to Sam and his demon blood I think this is an interesting thing to put a pin in.

MIIIISSOURI HELLO

She sounds and looks almost exactly the same. It's been THIRTEEN YEARS what the hell

She looked older in 1x09

maybe it's just the different colour schemes and lighting these days :P

Oh no and we're back to Kelly

Her words are so important in a kind of free will exposition way. She's so proud of him!!!

"YOU HAVE AN ANGEL WATCHING OVER YOU"

I know I sobbed about that in 12x23 a bit but just... the reminder, right now. In this episode where we have been teased that Cas is going to be around again (I miss him so much)... I think it's interesting because Kelly tells Jack that no one can tell him who he can be (which I think may be a problem long term that Sam is interested in moulding him so even TFW aren't a completely safe bet to hang out with for Jack to gain a sense of personhood - he'll have to fly the nest eventually) but then she reminds Jack that an angel is watching over him. Obviously she is a Good Person in the show's narrative, and angels in her perspective are good (because Cas was kind to her) and Cas specifically is AWESOME and this is the reminder that Cas is Jack's father now apparently and all... but it's also setting him aside in a way. I think perhaps Jack needs to come to terms with what Cas is that isn't exactly his FATHER per se but also isn't just the angel on his shoulder, in the exact same way Dean needs to realise Cas isn't his BROTHER per se but also not just the angel on his shoulder. It's that grey area. In Jack's case, it's because a reckoning with Lucifer and understanding the potential darkness in him, or his legacy as being Lucifer's son, can't be ignored. Cas can't be pasted on top of it for his deep down personal understanding, and Kelly mentions the father and Castiel as separate entities. The father doesn't define what Jack is... Cas has a more neutral position, a guiding one... But I think some wires may be crossed with Jack, too, that has given Cas absolute fatherhood in such a way that it's going to be GREAT for Jack to set his moral compass by such a well-meaning good character who seems to want the best for Jack, but it can't be his entire understanding of himself.

...

Sorry for just throwing a Destiel parallel into all that but it fascinates me that tbh Sam is like the only one who doesn't have a complicated relationship with Cas. I guess also Mary got to grips with him around 12x09, but then also didn't have a whole bunch of contact with him... On the other hand in my Christmas fic I haven't even got the remotest idea what it will be about yet but will feature all the current living characters in a fluffy Christmas scenario, I'm pretty much ready for Cas and Mary to be the chillest friends :P

LOL Sam and Dean talking about how long since they saw Missouri "what has it been a decade?" "MORE" Yeah you FUCKS she said to stay in touch. DON'T BE STRANGERS.

That is a cold sweat moment for Dean, like... fuck I haven't ever even sent her a CHRISTMAS CARD

Maybe he sees her name in John's journal sometimes and does send her one.

Awww and Sam was talking to Jody off-screen, which I love because that is my JAM

*badum tish*

Dean is alarmed that Sam handed off the case to her, because he wanted to leave the freaking house and get awaaay from Jack

He's not that concerned about Jody.

I mean, rationally, he knows Jody is the Toughest Cookie they've ever met. She went up against Leviathan WITH AN APPENDECTOMY

But in the immediate here and now? He is PISSED that Sam wants to keep them sequestered away in the Bunker with the one thing he can hardly bear to co-exist with in the same universe.

His stomping off is an End Of moment... Reminded of 9x06 because Berens, but also because in the start of that episode Dean takes the lead from Cas and legs it from researching with Sam and Kevin, and it's like a horrible reverse motivation. Cas is dead and he can't bear to be around that horror and guilt and confusion. He needs the distraction, so off he goes on a solo case, leaving Sam behind. His angry "you got me" when he skips out on research and Kevin thinks he has it all sussed out why Dean is leaving is again a reverse of Dean's self-professed anger at the situation when he knows that Jody will be FINE and of course she's part of their competent hunter network who can handle things probably a hell of a lot better than them, being an actual cop and all. But it makes one hell of an excuse to go. And Dean was in a pissy mood then as well but it was his own fuck up about Gadreel bothering him and his guilt about what he'd done to Cas. So external motivators help him leave. This time it's all internal motivators where he WANTS to leave. So he makes it all happen by getting irrationally angry at Sam.

CORN FIELD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I know it was most likely just There but hey we have a Turducken slammer poster in the background and corn syrup blah blah, and corn = Cain

Theeeemes, as Mittens says.

JODY JODY JODY

Missouri drops some heeeavy hints about not having family around any more.

She always did love that car. A reminder she's known them basically their entire lives, since The Fire, and she knew the car as both John and Dean's.

Also a handy way to make her a trusted ally and as Mittens says, the car is Dean's soul and Missouri has seen inside him.

HE JUST WANTS HUGS

He heard Missouri and Jody were in the same place and was like FUCK YOU SAM I AM GOING TO COLLECT MY HUGS

But seriously even if he's kinda putting it all on a bit because he's miserable, these people are genuinely cheering him up just to see and he's getting physical comfort from two parental figures to him.

(he's so weird about Jody being a mom figure)

LOL Missouri did the thing

The thing literally every single person said they wanted her to do

he should have hugged Jody first

Is it just me or did she hesitate on "loss" and then add the "es" after a moment of uncertainty? Please tell me one is not drowning out the other I will die.

Although of course, Missouri is a HUGE reminder of the Mary stuff because she comes connected to their home and Dean is having to re-re-confront that and OF COURSE he does it when he's lost Mary AGAIN. And pfft I spent yesterday writing about Jody re-losing her son in 5x15 and having the problem of fresh loss after getting someone back you didn't think you'd ever HAVE back.

I love that we're seeing Missouri's process. She's reaaally spelling out the exposition. But in this case I can trust that that's just because the actual method and knowing that it's a wraith and his MO is just a random detail to all the more important emotional stuff. That this is just some necessary building blocks to get to the good stuff and this is the fastest way to get us there.

Sam immediately starts getting into choppy water and I'm one line into the next scene. He's bringing up training Jack... Sam, we've spent the last 2 weeks talking about how it's not a great idea for you to try and harness him for your own reasons because it will make you look bad to him. Jack needs to trust you!

I'm worried he'll end up thinking that Sam giving him the connection with his mom was just a way to soften him up a bit more to Sam. Like yeah on the surface level it's lovely and shows Sam has been careful and paid attention and collected all the evidence from the house to check if anything will be important for Jack (not the 100s of diapers)... And then found this thing and immediately decided Jack should have it because it would mean so much to him. it's great that he cares so much he did this!!

But yeah putting the scenes back to back is a little uncomfortable because Sam does have motives, and like I said last time out, if Sam HADN'T just lost Mary through a rift Nougat unknowingly opened, he would 100% definitely treat Jack with the exact same care because he is a sweet guy.

But looks bad.

Sam is waving a pencil. He looks like a lecturer.

This is a different part of the Bunker or the library from an angle we never see and this is a new table with a different lamp and I am so horrified, as the Table Meta person, to have a bunch of new stuff to work out and write about :P

This is the Yoda Table for the time being

I suppose it's a new place for a fresh start and, like, virgin territory for meta meaning. Whether it's the store room or the library the important thing is it's DIFFERENT and it's a sort of secluded corner than right out in the middle of the war room or something. It's a sort of private nook kind of feeling. Sam is trying to make a comfortable environment for Jack.

Jack glances at Sam.

Thing is, Asmodeus got him to open a portal to hell by cajoling him, and Sam's asking him to get control of basic things like moving a pencil around. It SEEMS safe and like a good exercise to try and get to grips with his powers and learn finesse and control, and for Jack's sake too. But... Idk, still looks dodgy Sam. I mean I can absolutely and 100% see a surface level where this is adorable and great and Sam has a new friend/nephew, and for the time being I'm enjoying it as it is. But I have this worried feeling that Sam is not going to help Jack emotionally, even if this works in the short term, because Jack has room to be suspicious of what Sam wants, and even if Sam doesn't ask for a while, he has a motivation for Jack to learn to control his powers beyond JUST wanting to help him. I think their dynamic is great and fascinating, but I am worried that from Jack's perspective he won't get the nuance of Sam - Sam needs to open up to him for one thing about his own fuck ups and what Azazel - another yellow eyed demon - did to him.

And Jack glancing at Sam who is watching him so intently is the tension here - can Jack trust Sam when Sam may be just as interested in Jack as Asmodeus was? How can a 5 day old TELL?

James has a super nice house.

Also Missouri is "not supposed to call" but they used a recent calls screen on her phone instead of a contacts list, and James was on it, which means that she HAS been in contact with him recently, and therefore prop department messed it up. The CGI in this episode has made 2 errors already >.>

OH NO JAMES DOESN'T BELIEVE

"it's coming for you and pa-" nooo

WHERE IS PATIENCE

I wanna see her on screeeeeeeeeeeeen

WHAT DID MISSOURI DO TO JAMES?

She was a John parallel in 1x09 and allied with him and withholding epic amounts of plot info that only she knew what could have been everything up to and including end of season 2 reveal stuff. Her powers make her kind of a disaster friend tbh. Like, great at a party but if you don't believe your mother has visions and is, idk, hysterical or something, then OH BOY that makes for some family trauma. We'll see how this shakes out but right now James at least is successful and rich and has nooothing to do with his mother even though he may potentially be psychic and repressed about it himself, since the wraith will be coming for him and Patience, and we know SHE is.

I kinda don't wanna make a parallel where she's the bad parent and fucked up her son who has repressed his powers because oh boy he's got like a Dean Smith level apartment and this is a can of worms I can't be bothered to delve into when Patience might be on screen soon.

Dean "yes ma'am"'d Missouri because everything is awful, because he'd "yes sir" John and oh god. Ow.

Jody is watching like "what the hell sort of dynamic have I missed here?"

She has been taking notes on these boys for years and she still doesn't know anything about them. I was thinking the other day watching 5x15 that when she meets them they're in Fed get up and they bluster at her like they're the authorities when she first challenges them, until she calls Bobby and sees through it and calls their crap. But something something defensive retreat into surface level clam shell around Jody, re: she had no idea Dean went to Purgatory, was a demon, or that Mary had come back to life, just for STARTERS.

I wonder if Missouri commenting on the car was a tie back to John as well specifically in her alignment. This season is all about fathers and without an actual John for Dean to deal with, bringing Missouri back as a John figure... eep

Meanwhile Jack is still squinting at a pencil and calling himself useless, so I think Sam is about to climb on his back and make him run through a swamp while beating him with a stick

(dear god I hope every single one of you has watched Empire Strikes Back)

Jack's catchphrase is "I don't -" he just doesn't understand. He doesn't KNOW.

Asmodeus was "in his head"

Holy shit and then Sam suggests Jack try that and Jack snaps back at him because HOLY SHIT SAM CAN YOU HEAR HOW BAD THIS SOUNDS?

You really can't, because you think you are doing a good thing but USB STICK, SAM. USB STICK.

Asmodeus was a master manipulator who made Jack want to do a thing so badly and used all the right words to make him do exactly what he wanted. Sam is nice enough not to brainwash Jack like see the pencil, be the pencil dramatics... But asking Jack to remember one of his many traumatic experiences? Noooo don't do it.

This is a very bad plan, Sam.

Anyway also Jack confirms how Asmodeus manipulated him and shows his innocence and also his feelings on what happened - how horrible it was for him to go through it, and, well, he was 3 days old and he got tricked and he has no emotional touchstones to handle this sort of thing :(

And Sam is just being way too rigorous - we take a break, he gets some food, then he'll come back and we try again? Nooo Sam.

(btw I have to say I have been saying over and over that Berens writes my favourite Sam, and this is indeed Berens making Sam absolutely fascinating, although I have to repeat, as a totally flawed and messed up person. No one was ever there for Sam to guide him through what he could do. He didn't even know how he moved that wardrobe the one time he did telekinesis... He's completely lost and trying to handle this alone and with a lot to prove because Dean's snapped at him and stormed off, and he wants Mary back... He's being like Dean - angry and taking it out on Jack - but in Sam's chill, deep under the surface way, and of course like Dean can spare smiles and hugs for Jody and Missouri, he still can have a kind and well-meaning surface layer just like Dean can have a happy one. But bring on the frustration and he slips and says the wrong things and now he's acting like a strict teacher....)

Jack's face that was cast to be both perfectly scowly and perfectly cute is now being used to be very scary and scowly.

OH NO MISSOURI!!!

She was badass and defiant to the end but it's still sad and we knew it was coming because, well... I swear there was spoiler chatter that Patience and Missouri would meet, but I suppose it's more like Patience is going to find out about her grandma and have to learn about her that way...

I mean the whole point of Wayward Sisters so far has been Jody collecting orphaned girls and she has a living father and until this point Missouri, so she has to end up in a way where Jody is now the only guiding light she has

but bleeeeeeeh.

ANYWAY like passing the baton, we get the last scene of Missouri (making a stand) and move to Patience.

HELLO NEW MAIN CHARACTER

She's a neeeerd

I love her

She is good at volleyball because she's psychic

heee wonder woman comparison. Blah blah meta from when Dean owned being wonder woman.

Her athletic friend looks nerdy and she describes her as being a bookworm athlete because Patience looks cool and athletic (she's very tall or her friend is short...) so there's 2 false binaries here: the nerd and athlete one where you can only be one or another. Her friend with the massive glasses and fringe (bangs?) is nerd-coded. And Patience carrying around her files but secretly being good at sports is the direct opposite... I like this imagery, no prizes for guessing where else I apply it :P

All the lights are flickering... It would be hilarious if SHE was causing it, just because monsters don't do that...

I think she is having a vision.

OH it was a dream, cool. (We're really expanding what psychics can do all of a sudden, because we're about to send 2 of them off into Wayward Sisters. If Kaia and Patience can hang out in dreams, that would be AWESOME. I bet visiting Patience's dream landscape once she has her powers under control would be amazing, if 8x08 and Fred's inner mind is anything to go off of :P)

Also OH NO poor Missouri. She's used her death as an omen for Patience, like, basically just because her father won't talk to her. I mean talk about spite, she's right in the John Winchester model of family, like, well guess I'll just DIE then, and get Patience to deal with this for me :P

Getting back to those flashing lights, also, even though it was just a dream, I do think it was interesting because Jack blew all those lights. I think it's a sign of losing control as much as a display of power - if we go from 4x01 and Cas doing it, it was just because raw power on display. In 13x01 for Jack it's both that and loss of control. For Patience it's the sign of the supernatural creeping up on her but also she loses control of her dream environment and Missouri invades it to send her the warning...

James has something on his screen about crude oil. He's probably like a stocks and shares guy or something. This house is ridiculous. Patience is going to be the rich kid on the team, and probably adjusting to the gross gritty life of being a hunter :P

Ooh she did recognise Missouri - so the contact wasn't broken off THAT long ago.... I say remembering how I thought she hadn't changed at all since season 1 :P

James doesn't give anything away about her phoning like, yesterday. He looks baaad about it.

Don't lie to kids about their powers and heritage...

I say side-eyeing Sam for not getting into the exact thing with Lucifer I was blah-ing on about at the top of this episode. Which is probably not helping Jack understand and control his powers

Oh noooo Dean at a Gas n Sip

hearing about the murder on the TV OH NO

I got to ask why it's night at the fortune teller's and day where Dean is.

Singer directed this and I'm up to 3 boo boos of the wraith not being in the mirror, the phone breaking the story, and the wrong time of day in the footage on TV so I'm just gonna side eye and move on. Maybe he's having an off week when he made this or something because when he's not directing Eugenie's scripts he's normally competent.

Knock Knock hello James

Wait, Dean has got massively more scruffy between scenes.

HE HAS - I WENT BACK AND LOOKED

Is this a continuity about them driving all night?

I am loving the look. Gimme more of the season 9 look Dean.

They are kinda treating James like he knows and cares about monsters, when really he's a stock guy with a fancy house. Wrong approach, but telling the absolute truth. Dean, again, not sugar coating it. Jody has to step in and help with comforting sounding words about the truth. She, also, doesn't even mention she's a cop and is acting very much as Dean's partner on the hunt rather than a cop.

Patieeence. At school with her friend, who is badgering her about hot boys. Patience relucantly says okay fine he's hot. *wonders exactly how gay she is* Probably not with a huuuge crush on her friend but we'll see :P No one can be that "ugh" about the entire concept.

Patiiiience. She's been ACTIVATED.

The fact she had a couple of pencils sticking out of something in her locker just makes me think that over on the other side of the story Sam is trying to activate Jack's powers via a pencil.

AAAH

HAHAHAHA She's awesome!!!

And she snaps the gross wraith spike off with like 0% of the fuss Dean made.

I LOVE the shot of Dean rushing down the stairs to follow the wraith... I also love that Jody is now united with Patience, and she's gonna glom onto her and drag her into her spiiiiin offffffffff

After all the fuss I'm making that better get picked up or I'm rioting.

Dean nearly gets hit by a blue van - hey, monsters in blue vans? 8x18, that time when Dean was like "what, my feelings????" when Sam asked him how he was, and then there was that creepy Metatron sweater dude being a terrible stand-in father for Krissy in like the dark timeline version of what Wayward Sisters is promising to become.

Bah Dean shaved again... Get the continuity together!!

Ohh no Patience thinks Missouri doesn't caaare... She ditched her after her mom died? heeeey-o John parallels where he emotionally ditched them after Mary died. Only this leads to Patience growing up with no idea about her powers... Except she has been unnerved enough by her deja vu to sound like she's researched it on wikipedia and reassured herself that hey this happens to everyone...

Well if she's not queer she's certainly having one hell of a metaphor journey :P

HOLY SHIT SAM. He put Jack in that table because there's a SECRET CAMERA

you know what Sam has done? Once he knew the BMOL put cameras in the bunker, he's gone and found their wifi and he's got into it with undefined magic hacking powers they all have and he's using Ketch's surveillance for his own purposes now.

Look. You mean well. You're reading the sort of parenting book for psychic kids you never had yourself (love it) but this is creepy! You shouldn't be spying on Jack!!!!

Sam has boundary issues with his magic nephew, more news at 10

I know I know he's just concerned and worried and wants to do the right thing but he's not got any frame of reference for how to emotionally nurture someone. It's a MIRACLE and testament to his nature that he's come out anything like as sweet as he did. But oh boy this is bad. You can't just come running in yelling because Jack moved out of sight because now Sam has betrayed that he was watching Jack or WHY WOULD HE COME RUNNING IN IN SUCH A PANIC?

Jack's starting to sound done with everything and I love my Nougat child who likes sitting in dark corners.

He's not sitting cross-legged this time, it's much more like how Sam found him in 12x23

I think Jack seeks out dark shadowy places to lurk

His voice has literally changed to be more gravelly

OH NO JACK NOOOOOOOOO

HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU'RE EVIL, YOU PRECIOUS CHILD

But Dean thinks he'll be evil and Sam has surveillance set up on him...

Oh dear god let this be the Berens Speech of the episode that makes me weep openly

OH NO NOUGAT

He's got all his comparisons to live up to but he doesn't have his angel watching over him!!!

I said earlier that's a bad comparison for Jack to treat him as his father AND that phrase needs to be hauled out and torn to shreds, but I think some short term guardian angeling will probably be good for Jack and maybe even Cas depending on how he feels when he gets back... I almost trust this season to treat that relationship slowly and carefully since they're being so absolutely on the nose with character development stuff being spelled out.

Sam's doing the "listen" thing and sitting down... Can you get to Jack?

SAY THE THING

Oh gosh he apologised for pressuring Jack

I didn't think that would work

I should yell at the screen more

HE WANTS TO FIND A BETTER WAY

AND THEN HE TOOK JACK'S HAND AND HAULED HIM TO HIS FEET

OH YEAH HERE IT IS "I know what it feels like -" THAT WAS PART 2 OF "SAY THE THING"

AHAHA STOP MAKING SAM CRY, BERENS, YOU MONSTER

It makes me cry

"Dean, Cas - my family helped me through" NOOOOOOOOOOOOPE FUCK OFF BERENS

"you're not evil, Jack" THANKS SAM, THOUGH

Meanwhile: Jody and Dean awkwardly stand next to each other while Patience has a Family Moment.

Dean's connection to Missouri goes so far back that Patience has to mean something to him in the sense that omg this is Missouri's family... However she treated Dean (and kinda scared him i think :P) he has an investment in them because Missouri was there at a bloody awful time for him, and she was helpful and good to them (and he has no idea she was lying about John the whole time - tbh the fact that she can see stuff that happened in a scene pretty much just confirms to me that what we DIDN'T see was that the first time John met her he took her to the nursery and BAM she sees the scene from 2x21 that Azazel showed Sam of the demon blood and she's like... ah.)

(pls refer to my pre-wayward sisters watching notes for actual thoughts on that :P I got super rambly and i'm not going over it AGAIN)

OH NO James grew up having total faith in her powers and then she said what James wanted to hear and told him the better news either making a mistake or doing EXACTLY WHAT WE SAW HER DO in her introductory seconds... Temporary help to alleviate pain but in the end - well, that guy's wife was still banging the gardener whether he knew it or not and one way or another he might find out...)

UGH Missouri what did you do.

OH NO JAMES HAS DEAN'S BACKSTORY OF HIS PARENT ON THE ROAD HUNTING MONSTERS

Remember when I said I hated the Dean Smith life he made for himself? I HATE IT SO MUCH

I went to vent at Mittens about this and she told me she has been comparing Patience to Kev and James to Linda and that's another extremely awful way to look at all this :D

"I didn't want that life for you" I think it's interesting that James managed to put it all behind him SO effectively, especially if he's somewhat psychic himself (I BET IT HELPS WITH TRADING SHARES, IF IT HELPS WITH VOLLEYBALL. JUST SAYING)... He's basically done what both John and Mary repeatedly said especially in the context of Sam and just letting him go to school and live a life. Patience has got that - so far - but lo and behold it all catches up.

Aaaand James chooses to run again.

Like, it sucks, but "use her as bait and kill the wraith" is generally the better tactic when it comes to just confronting your problems. And the horror genre is ALWAYS about confronting those inner problems. In this case the wraith going specifically after the psychics in the family is blatantly a metaphor for this catching up and James no longer being able to pretend this isn't what his family is all about. I would say it's targeted at his decisions and Patience's awakening - a vision is one thing, an attack BECAUSE she had it seals the deal and makes it impossible to ignore.

And if James runs again, he only puts the problem behind them, to try and live normally but... Patience has already been changed by this encounter and Missouri's awakening.

Awwwwwwww nooooooooo flashback.

She's so SMOL.

This is all the perfect sort of emotional manipulation to get me completely attached to her.

I'm trying not to meta too much between The Man Pain and Patience's story (she's the POV character of WS I think? I mean I desperately want her to be, as the new character to the dynamic aside from Kaia who's being introduced later as a part of Claire's story - and I think I saw one comment somewhere in the PR and completely latched onto it) but there is something about James saying that Missouri's influence is poison and Patience learning to be psychic is something he desperately wants to avoid, and the parallel story with Jack also discovering his powers. Patience thankfully only seems to have Sam-like visions and will probably have Missouri's skill set (i mean sheesh this might not be a memory but a vision but in this case it's almost impossible to tell apart for Patience except that maybe this is literally the clarity of what she's remembering on screen :P) - I think it works better in the present day, that the adults are all here to weigh in on what Patience can be.

I think Missouri appearing in flashes mirrors Kelly to Jack, since he's not getting anything from Cas at the moment, so she's the beacon of someone who truly believes in Patience, and there was a sort of powers birth transfer awakening thing in the way Missouri dies and Patience gets her first strong vision that she can't shake off as deja vu.

Dean said that Missouri reads objects so Patience is probably getting this vision off the brooch, tbh.

This hazy memory is probably actually circa like... season 2 or something, if Patience is supposed to be school aged NOW and the show is THIRTEEN YEARS OLD so if she's like... 5... that's season 1 or 2, if she's roughly supposed to be 18

I am not good at maths btw feel free to call this out

That kid REALLY looks like young Patience, in that creepy SPN casting directors way

OH GOSH the vision parallels not just to Kelly but Missouri will always look out for her, and that's very much like Angels Are Watching Over You

AAAAAH HE GRABBED PATIENCE

put it back.jpg

Is James going to use his own secrit powers he's been repressing the entire time and find her?

HE'S GONNA USE HIS PSYCHIC POWERS TO FIND PATIENCE

Bless this entire metaphor of repression being overcome and accessing the true parts of yourself.

Is this the same creepy set that Cas once stabbed a demon in that time when he was looking for something or other? I can't even remember if that was season 10 or 11 or what he was looking for, but a gif of him wandering around doing The Eyebrow is common enough on my dash I don't forget that it happened :P

Oh great he basically has super wraith powers because he drinks people with super powers.

Stupid creepy wraith

Leave her alone!!!!!!!!!

LOL

"first: gross" I love her.

NOOOOO JAMES

You were just starting to be cool

Wait is she having a vision, because Jody should probably not be dead right now if she has a spin off to be playing around in:P

I bet Dean's about to killed too

Yep

owie, that was embarrassing for him

He's super off his game if he lets himself get killed THAT EASILY

This was super metaphoric on so many levels though - once I know what happens with James I should get back to that, but Jody symbolically being killed and she's moving on to another property with her flock of girls, and DEAN, getting symbolically super killed like stabby stabby stabby, make it look good for the next time they have to recap how often they all die on this show.. :P But yeah, even just showing him dying is fascinating, especially with the context of how he's feeling.

And oh no Mittens pointed out he's not just off his game but if he saw Jody being dead, that's all his worst fears, and ANOTHER dead friend on his hands, and he did specifically come here to protect her, in his words. :<

I love the 2nd version of this. The new fight coordinator guy is really showing off. I type in the instant Dean grabs the rope because improvised weapons are a thing now :P

I should probably dig up that meta about veils between worlds because even if Dean didn't die he just got shoved through like 100 hanging sheets and that is ridiculously symbolic.

Nice one, Dean.

LOL his face. "welp, killed that guy"

I feel like there was a Moment there. Like maybe he thought hunting would make him feel something but -

oh no

HE'S SCRUFFY AGAIN

I feel attacked by the bad continuity but the fact that the bad continuity is because Dean's apparently due some grief scruff

"You handled that wraith! Guess you still got it!!"

*dean pauses* *stares into the nihilistic dark void consuming his soul*

"guess so"

I hate this

PATIENCE

Snuggly hoodie is snuggly. I wanna hug her

"Thank you, for everything" that phraaase nooo

James thinks she should put her gift away and get back to normal... But she has a spin off to go to.

NOO DEAN DO NOT DO A IN THIS LIFE SPEECH

I HAAATE THIS

elizabethrobertajones WHAT THE FUCK HE'S SCRUFFY AGAIN I'm phoning the continuity guy how do I find his number Dean's scruff has been coming and going all episode :P

mittensmorgul wait where are you?

elizabethrobertajones Dean's broken pls help him this must be the scene they wanted the scruff for and he showed up on day 1 of filming clean shaven and they were like... Jensen... no

mittensmorgul HAHAHA

elizabethrobertajones Dean's gotta talk about how everything sucks and he wants to just go live on the beach in a house made of sticks and you need at least 5mm of scruff for that speech

mittensmorgul oh no...

Anyway Dean and James agree - Patience should go live in her house and they should exploit their skills only for shares and volleyball. Dean is utterly, utterly defeated and he hates the job and it's the worst and everyone you love will die and you just have to kill monsters all day and it's not even FUN...

please help him

YAY JODY

"you don't have to listen to him" because guess who is NOT THE BOSS OF US ON THE WAYWARD SISTERS SHOW?

That's right, The Man Pain(TM)

Jody you absolute beacon of sunshine and love and accepting yourself. She can see Dean's broken and spoke out of turn to what Patience might need in his own grief (and I think that must parallel to Sam's treatment of Jack somewhat although thankfully they resolved it back to a functioning relationship already) so she offers her an alternative.

OH NO and she refers to Claire as a sort of daughter

haaalp

And she's so sad she couldn't keep Claire safe against her nature to be a hunter.

And Jody OBLITERATES repression completely. Go be gay with the Wayward Sisters. :D

"You try to force it down to make someone else happy, you will only make yourself miserable"

I love you Berens.

And Jody recruits another avenger :D

*glares at my tables tag* Sam is sitting alone in the dark at the war room table, exactly like the end of 9x06. Sometimes being right about the sneaky imagery the show uses feels so pointless because, well, I'm right, but to what purpose does this serve? The tables tag will never bring me glory in battle :P

Mittens just warned me to squish Taako for the rest of this scene so I'm in hug mode.

"How's the kid, did he go darkside yet?" "nooope."

I mean I'm using Sam's line as a reaction gif forever but OW.

Is Sam gonna call Dean out on what he's been saying about Jack? I scared.

"He's messed up because of you"

... uuh. Again. I'm gonna stop asking Berens for the next line of dialogue because i feel like I'm in that gameshow where they are trying to finish a phrase and I'm just asking for all the right letters while thinking I know what the phrase is and I am scared about what that phrase is.

And Sam is playing with the rings on the table, which Lucifer once did, and Sam did a few times in season 12 when things were HAIRY.

He fidgets when he is upset with his family.

"You think you can USE this freak"

I'm SHAKING. DEAN, NO. STOP TALKING IMMMMMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW.

I stand by that Sam has a dodgy approach to Jack but fuck that entire concept that Dean just aired, we're getting into Open Warfare in the fandom between the Sam n Dean factions, I can tell. Like... the only question is is this going to be worse than Sam Hit A Dog or In The Same Situation I Wouldn't, or both on top of each other?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JACK IS THERE

Dean is wearing a black henley and Jack is wearing a white one I HATE IT

"I didn't end bad" OH WE ARE GOING THERE

WE ARE SO GOING THERE

Sam's been going there since Dean said "freak" because i have recently rewatched enough of season 1-4 to screeech when Dean said it.

And here's the season 2 thing back again

OH SHIT

Dean no

NO.

He's saying ALL THE THINGS AND HE SHOULD NOT BE SAYING THEEEEM

(I mean... healthy communication and the truth? But like... not doing it at top volume in front of the kid??)

NO THE CAS THING

THIS IS THE SAME FACE AS 9x22 WHEN DEAN SAID IT WAS A DICTATORSHIP

CAAAASSSSSS

HI BABE

Wakey wakey

Okay I had to go to dinner and I took my laptop down and made my mum extremely sad

I noticed a couple of other things on the next pass through, mostly sneaky dialogue repeats that I can't remember

but pass 2 through that last argument anyway because I was rushing it

Oh teardrops in the bead curtain at Dede's place, because grief. More passing through veils too.

The 9x06 parallel because Sam has a pencil for Jack, and it's a different room in the Bunker but weird shades of them keeping Crowley there, at least on the negative side of how they're treating Jack. Not a true parallel - different room and they're not asking him to write anything down, and Jack is doubling as Kevin.

Thinking of doubles - Patience framed as having 2 consciences about whether she becomes a wayward sister or not in Dean vs Jody - very much like Jack having dual father issues. Jody says "don't listen to him" for the negative example and wafts it away with love and she's gonna keep Patience :3

Also I thought of like 18 more reasons why I love Patience while I was watching

So, 3rd pass through this argument... WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF

Sam confronting Dean is again something where the episode establishes a mixed sort of approach but overall he has a GOOD approach to Jack and the best he's getting at the moment. Dean calling out Sam for using Jack THAT loudly and angrily instead of gently critiquing his methods and asking Sam if he'd care if Jack couldn't get Mary back - that's something Jack can't overhear right now but super needs to.

Of course, Dean is the Worst Parent but he hasn't signed up for that role. He still has an influence over Jack and is too super pissed off to see Jack - and Jack is behind a wall, which takes us to Berens and 12x22 and the wall between Dean and Mary. Dean can't see Jack for what he is and that means he's saying all the wrong things and not even able to reach out to parent him.

Jack basically wakes Cas up to get him back so he can have a non-yelling parent who will be uncomplicatedly good and the angel who watches over him.

(More on that dynamic once they interact a bit)

The fact Sam summons the spectre of John to tell Dean that he told him to put a bullet in Sam... Of course Dean can refute what John said and that Sam deserves to be saved which is lovely but you know. Awful argument. Not really the time for that sentiment :P Dean can see Sam - knows and trusts him like no one else in the universe; even Cas in some respects, because Cas is complicated and it's always so messy, that he keeps on giving Cas trust but Cas leaves or does stuff Dean doesn't approve of, and Sam is generally easier for him to deal with...

(Also the complicated feelings about Cas)

Sam goes and demolishes that this is about Mary. That Dean might be SAD about her and losing her but that he knows as well as Sam that she's gone because she went into that fight willingly, to protect them.

Cas, on the other hand, Dean absolutely can't see past. Dean's *entire* problem with Jack is because he lost Cas. Because he looks at Jack and sees dead Cas. Sam can explain how Mary chose to punch Lucifer right in the face (hehe) in some easy steps, but Dean then spells out his perception on what happened to Cas because of Jack.

I am so not over how the only time I've seen Dean this angry with Sam is in 9x22 and he yells right in his face and - GAH. I mean he's been angry with him before but it was a cold, sad or defeated anger, usually with tears involved. This is wide eyed, crazed, Mark of Cain Dean, who then walked around the corner and flipped back to a smooshy smile because Cas was there.

And this fight is taking place in almost the same space of turf as that argument, because heeey war room where the wars take place.

At this point, after "you might be able to forget about that, but I can't", I am pretty sure that Destiel has just gone horrifically canon in like the worst possible way, that Dean calls out the difference in their feelings about Cas.

It's literally putting on the table "is sam a dick or does dean just love cas in a special kind of way"

and dear god, Sam is not a dick.

Sam is amazing.

But not as much as Misha Collins who got a special card with his name on and "starring" above it, just for opening his eyes and sitting up.

#my stuff #13x03 #season 13 spoilers #i'm just saying if you have to google 'does everyone feel like this' about something you're probably gay #even if it's a metaphor and you don't have a clue if deja vu works like that #reblog if you're gay and get deja vu a lot

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nisuki · 8 years ago

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🌸 Uwah ~ I really pick a standard day to do reply posts;; ... I really love making these posts, but thinking of another/quicker way for me to reply;;. I think if the @ mentions in the replies work properly, I would be using that full-time, however, it doesn’t lolol >_>’ I think, I’ll reply privately instead? I think I would do that quicker ^^ .. still, I love these posts haha.. please bear with me :P

Currently I’m busy with some cc projects and writing a ts2 to ts3 hair conversion guide ^-^ meanwhile I agreed on testing some stuff for people, so I’m going to do that now >:)

Replies below ♥ this one is quite huge, woops.. lol, I hope the readmore works ;; I’ll be replying to IM chats a bit tonight and all of them tomorrow.. ah.. again I was a bit neglecting it, sorry about that >->

Replies on the awesome but not really functioning @.

@falling-ups, @ciarasia, @igotsims, @fyachii, @treason-and-plot . Sigh :c . Yea, it doesn’t work 100% which is really too bad!

When Mesho did it, it instantly worked, but then others tried and it didn’t ;; Such a waste. Well, lets hope tumblr will do its job and fix that asap :D

Replies on the edit for sourlemonsimblr 🌸

So many of you loved the edit and gah! That only made me even more and more happy as I was very excited about the picture myself! Lots of hugs to all of you, thank you.

@itsoceansecret THANK YOU LOVEE <3 .

@aoihana2510 Thank you very much (♥‿♥*)

@sourlemonsimblr You’re absolutely welcome! I’m glad you like it ^-^

@mysticlove-reblog Why thank you ღゝ◡╹)ノ ♥

@lumy-sims Love to you too ♥

@omgdoubleume AACKACKKAC, you make my heart flutter ♥

@plantyl Thank you very much (σ'∀')σ* ♥ +.*

@basicpixels Aw, thanku sweets ♥（ﾉ´∀`）

Reply to Lumy!

@lumy-sims ACK *hugs and gives you all the love* ;u; *whispers; why not join this discord channel I’m in, there’s a lot of ppl though, but it’s not like everyone’s talking at the same time haha..

For the sweet Rollo-Rolls

@rollo-rolls Omgomg, I literally can’t stop getting excited anymore now XD argh, you’re so precious too >.< allow me to hug you tightly!

Thank you for all the love for that sweater dress guys!

@itisexcellent Lovely to hear you love it dear <3

@doka-chan And thank you to you for appreciating that. I’ll share more, definitely!

@omgdoubleume YAA, thank you lovely Ume-chan~ (♡´౪`♡)

@204863-simblr Heart eyes right back at you! (*♥◡♥)

@ktarsims Hehe, I already talked with you about it. I’m very happy to hear you love it ♥ your kind words really make me smile ^^

@pralinesims Thank you very much you beauties ♥

@aoihana2510 Once again, thank you :)

@rollo-rolls . . . . . . !?!?!? P-PIECE OF ART LMAO. HAHAHA, I really love you ♥ thank you for your encouraging and blush-worthy words *giggles

@the77sim3 Thank you dear ♥（ﾉ´∀`）

@yumiaplace Aw Yumia~ that makes me really happy to hear, thank u love!

@plantyl Wow right back at you beautiful ♥

@simsmono Lots of hearts for you ♥

@ryckootv Guess what?! @smellslikepixeldolls is working on a conversion ♥ So you’ll be able to get the sims 4 version from there ;) Thank you for your sweet comment. I’m really happy to hear you like it so much!

@kurasoberina Kura you beauty ♥ thank you very much to you as well. I was happy to see you in my activity again, I hope you’ve been doing well ^_^

@fyachii Hehe, you know I love you lots right? Thank you <3 . Yes, I even read and screenshotted your tags LMAO. I FORGET MINE TOO. So, I ended up using “shortcuts” like c. for clothing, somehow easier to remember XD

Another reply to the sweet Doka <3

@doka-chan *hit by cupid’s arrows by every cute you said * (♥___♥) lemme love youu . *tight hugs*

Fya and her ship . . . .

(She actually inspired me in a story ..)

@fyachii . . . . Who knows.. who knows.. I’ll be thinking about it WHILE playing around with it >:) hohoho.. You’ll understand in a while... But actually yes, they look so sweet together and my heart is like gah! I shouldn’t do what I plan, but my mind is like; >:) .... HOHOHOHOHOHOHO.

Deggdegg which is notdeggdegg but still deggdegg?

@deggdegg

Your blog names officially confused me LMAO! Thank you so much for your sweet comment you pretty <3

Lily the beauty of my laifu

@lilyssims Was that cheesy enough? LOL. Thank you love <3 I TRY, but, my inspiration is like, MEH. but I have a new idea now luckily >:D

Work it tsrw gurl

(credits to eenhoorn for the tsrw gurl lolol)

@rollo-rolls Thank you >:)

@eenhoornsims

@xmoonlynx HAHA . what about after seeing the above gif LOL. man, I love it XD

@the77sim3 Thank you as always! <3

Replies on the .. pinky flower edit?

(yess;; I had no inspo for this title)

@plantyl, @itsoceansecret, @preferatajaferoj, @204863-simblr .

@falling-ups GAH, BUT SO ARE YOU, YOU BRILLIANT STAR ♥

@another-simmer But not as cute as you *winkyface ♥

@fyachii I love the pink hair on her too! No idea anymore how I came with her design ;; hm.. oh well LOL! (Actually, after a while when I was looking through old screenshots, it feels like she looks a bit like Lucy? ;; I think it’s the eyes?? ;; ugh idk ))

When you allow people to edit and that one person gives a lenny face, so I do it back.

@itsoceansecret Your cuteness is over the top tho!

@eenhoornsims ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

@plantyl Thank you love <3

@rollo-rolls heartseyes at you!

Replies with the dazzling Topaz

@puffshale I 2000% AGREE.

@itsoceansecret BUT WHAT IF YOU KEEP SEEING HER MORE? WHO KNOWS... seriously, you’re a beautiful person, I love you too (♥‿♥*)

@reenadelenyel Thank you! Yes, she’s adorable isn’t she? itsoceansecret definitely did an amazing job on her. Knowing a bit more about her story is very impressive too. I had her before a long time ago, but I didn’t really know a lot about her, ha ha ha...

@tsutoki Thank you! Please have my love <3

Ace, a charming but dangerous guy..

(is how I want him to be LOL...)

@aoihana2510 Thank you! Your boys are hotties as well >:)

@thesimperiuscurse Love, thank you very much ♥ I hope you both are doing well ^^

@itsoceansecret AAAH > u <!!!!

@plantyl

@fyachii YES . I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW HIM. every damn time;; sigh, I’ve never done justice for him. Poor guy’s still alone ;;

... 2000% he wouldn’t mind you caressing him .. o_O’ oh maker XD

Little Juro who will need to get used to getting all that attention.

@omgdoubleume

@doka-chan AW, THANK YOU <3

@preferatajaferoj thank you love <3

@eenhoornsims Seriously dude, I still can’t help but laugh when reading this comment XD PERFECT SON IN LAW LOL. @puffshale PLEASE. I LOVE YOU.

@simovee NOT AS PERFECT AS YOUU ♥

@thesimperiuscurse Why thank you ♥ >:)

@lilyssims Talk about perfect pick-up lines HAHAHA ♥

@itsoceansecret AAAAAAAAH > O< !! <3

@neversayenevermore Thank you love <3 . You’re even cuter!

Replies about the enchanting beauty; Kiko.

@verakasthethird, @204863-simblr, @omgdoubleume, @thesimperiuscurse You’re all so right! She’s so cute > 3< and.. she looks so innocent.. “delicate”.. that’s a lovely word!

@puffshale ; and it’s all thanks to your wonderful simmie. It actually, heavily inspired me to make more of these kind of edits!

Whe one of the most amazing ppl loves me kya!

You’ll make me cry of happiness ;u;

Digging old posts... makes you wanna play it again . .

@sugary-plumb Sigh, same now... ;; but I must resist! I want to do so many other things too! Decisions decisions... Especially these little dragons.. they are so cheaty, but I love the interactions with them hehehe!

@yumiaplace ; Thank you as always love!

When Juro’s face was still hidden.

@arthurlumierecc HAHA, tHANK YOU XD

@reenadelenyel LMAO, haha, I can’t help but laugh when I look back at it XD

@puffshale LOLOL HOW. ACK

Replies on the previous reply posts.. YES IT’S THE END OF THIS POST!

@reenadelenyel yay! *hugs* nothing makes me more happy than one firm hug ^-^ You’re doing a good job! Ha, I went one day posting lots of pics and then disappear for a few days lol; I.. I’m doing a lot behind the scenes oke ; u; ~ but yes... I love what @rollo-rolls says and to just write, and don’t think too much abou everything :) It’s what I’ve been doing. I’m just doing what I feel like doing. I even achieved doing new things! Which I hope to be able to share with everyone later on, ha! But I’m so excited to.. publish this story . . There’s still a lot of work to do.

To every one of you for loving my content..

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real-faker · 8 years ago

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Ack sorry about sending another pitch question (I know you said something about people sending those) but you mentioned you pitched a show twice, and since I'm a creeper, I read the tags and you said the pitch wasn't how we'd think they'd be; how were they, then, out of curiosity? If I ever pitch a show, in your position, what should I expect? What exactly happened? Sorry for asking all these questions; you've been my inspiration for a while and I hope I can pitch my own show someday!! Thank you

Oh no, that’s fine! I don’t mind telling my experience with it, and I’ve even given pitching tips before, but this post is about the extent of my knowledge. (You can also just search my blog for “pitch”, ‘cause I’ve reblogged stuff from other people that actually KNOW what they’re talking about, haha) I just don’t want people under the impression that I’m super experienced with it, or that I’ve ever pitched to a big deal network or producer. I absolutely haven’t. I have exactly 2 pitching experiences. The first one was a few years ago at an event in Nashville called “Film-Com”, which is an annual trade show/expo event for financing and distributing filmmaking projects. Basically you get a booth, and you set up in this convention center with all these other aspiring creators (filmmakers, documentary people, a few video game/new media folks, all sorts), and they’ve invited a WHOLE SWATH of producers and industry professionals to come mull around the show floor with you so you can make connections and get your product out there EAT FREE MEALS and then idk, maybe fuckin’ walk around a bit and look at your dumb shitty projects if they fuckin’ feel like it but they probably wont, so what ends up happening is all the creators just walk around and look at each others’ shit, which for me—being the only animator there—means that a bunch of other jack-knobs who have some vague idea for a shitty cartoon end up giving me THEIR card so that maybe in the future I can work on THEIR dumbfuck ideas.ANYWAY, to get to the point, they selected certain projects and scheduled them to actually go up and pitch in front of a whole room full of producers. This happened over the course of the whole day, so I suspect the reason none of the producers were walking around interacting with people is ‘cause they were stuck in a room all day hearing 30 different suck-ass pitches and when it was all said and done they were probably exhausted. I was scheduled as the last pitch of the day. I enter the room and wait patiently; the person before me is running about 10 minutes over their allotted time. I scan the room… everyone is MISERABLE. They’re anxious, they’re uninterested, they’re sighing… the main guy who’s sort of monitoring the whole thing is pinching his brow and trying his best to keep up the pretense of politeness in telling the current pitcher to wrap it up. NONE of these people want to be here anymore. It seems like everyone’s spent the whole day “warming ‘em up” for me, but now they’re all sweaty and miserable, so I can either go up there and give another mediocre pitch, OR I can go up there and try my goddamn hardest to make them laugh.

I go up on stage, just IMMEDIATELY force myself to get over any fears I have, and I pitch W2H. I screen a short mock trailer I made (no way I’d force them to sit through that whole fucking thing), and it’s sort of like a fever dream, because I can see all of the life returning to their faces, they’re WAY into it, I’m doing fucking GREAT somehow, despite literally zero experience… and when it was all said and done, it became abundantly clear that even though they all LOVED it, not a single one of them could help me. None of them were animation producers. None of them KNEW animation producers. One guy suggested I go into comics, because “comics get turned into film and tv shows all the time”. I just had the PERFECT fucking pitch, and I pitched to people who couldn’t fucking help me. As I was leaving, many of them came up to me and actually thanked me for sending them off for the day on a good note. There was a big dinner at like, the fucking Governers’ mansion or something that night, and again, some of them were coming up to me and thanking me, wishing me the best and all that. I guess if nothing else, I learned what I’m capable of.

The second pitch was an ACTUAL disaster. When I’d first graduated I thought I could pitch W2H to Frederator, ‘cause it seemed like a good fit. They told me (understandably) that they couldn’t reverse-engineer a show from something I’d already produced, and also that it was inappropriate (despite having a show at the time called “SuperFuckers”, but whatever; language and subject matter are different things). Later on I got an email from them, saying that someone in their office was familiar with my work, and they invited me to come pitch them something that wasn’t W2H. They also said that I was free to swing by their office any time, even “just to hang out”, and that if I had any questions “whether it be pitching or where to get the best burgers in Burbank”, to hit them up. How friendly! How perfect! I was JUST about to move out to L.A., so I started working on this idea tentatively called “Gayliens”. I swung by their office once, you know, just to pop in, like they said; thought I’d make myself known or whatever. They looked at me like I was nuts. They still invited me in and we chatted for a bit about the history of early Disney studios, but when they asked why I was there, and I reminded them about the email they’d sent, they seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. I told them I was working on a pitch for them and that I’d be in touch so we could schedule something. When I finally finished putting my pitch together, I went in for a meeting with them. It was just 2 folks, we were in like a board meeting-type room (which I imagine is probably standard). They made some small talk with me first, which I’m sure was an attempt to loosen us all up a bit and set the mood, but all of their questions really caught me off guard. (I guess they asked where I was working, and when I told them I didn’t have a studio job, they asked how I was making money, and I’m sure it wasn’t meant to put me in an awkward position, but people asking me how I make money literally ALWAYS puts me in an awkward position, because my income sources are scattered and weird. Try explaining how youtube ad revenue works to your social services worker, it’s a blast.) SO okay, I let myself get tripped up a bit. I go on with the pitch; they don’t really want me to pitch the concept, they just have me show them my storyboards and read through the whole thing. They’re DEAD silent the whole time. I can’t get a read on them at all. When it’s over, they ask me some more questions that trip me up. Some of them are 100% my fault; they asked for a title, and I wasn’t ready to say “Oh, it’s tentatively called GAYLIENS,” out loud to people who I couldn’t get a read from.

It’s all kind of a blur, but the few topics of discussion I remember them bringing up were that “the storyboards look almost TOO good”, like it was TOO polished or well-developed (which is sort of a backhanded compliment I guess???), because see, “when they made Adventure Time… blah blah blah it just started off as this loose idea, and once they were a season or so into it, they started expanding on the universe and developing the characters a little bit more…” — AS IF ANYONE doesn’t understand why AT got so popular??? You don’t have to TELL ME, I WAS WATCHING IT, I FUCKING KNOW. No one gave a shit about AT until they got Rebecca Sugar and all these talented writers working on it a couple seasons in, and doing all this character-heavy shit. I tried to present them with something that had all that character shit baked into it already, ‘cause I knew they were gonna’ use AT as an example. But it seemed like they’re not looking for something that’s already developed with it’s own voice or sensibility, they’re looking for a vague idea that they can mold into something as they go.

They also told me–and I still can’t get over this–that they’re looking for “”””””characters that people will want to cosplay as””””””, which is funny to me for a plethora of reasons; namely that they have no way of knowing that PEOPLE DO COSPLAY AS MY CHARACTERS, but also that I spent half of my time in college working on ridiculous magical girl Adventure Time crossover group cosplays (don’t fuckin’ laugh) like trust me I’m ALARMINGLY familiar with cosplay, and ALSO, that looking for a new property with the guidelines that it should be “the next big thing that some fucking nerds will dress up as at comic con” just seems like such an out-of-touch-but-trying-to-be-hip, capitalize-on your-fandom-doing-all-the-legwork-for-you, fucking executive thing to say. I know I sound like a whiny art school kid saying that but my animation instructor was so anti-establishment, and I carry a lot of that with me still, and something about that statement–insignificant as it may be–kind of epitomizes how I feel about the industry? It’s a hard thing to explain. I walked out of that pitch with my mind feeling like TV static. My friends were waiting for me next door at a bakery and they were super excited, asking me how it went, and I was just like “I mean… BAD, for sure, but I don’t know where to even start.” Hahaha. I don’t know. It just seems like everyone wants to play gatekeeper I guess. They want This Thing™, but it can’t be too This Thing™. They want the thing to have A Fandom™, but they don’t really understand fandom ‘cause they don’t participate in fandom. They want Your Idea™ but they want to make it Their Idea™. I don’t know. I’m just angry and bitter and that’s my experience with pitching. Admittedly some of what went wrong in these pitches was my fault, or there were circumstances beyond my control, and regardless of how that pitch went, I don’t actually dislike Frederator (I’m on their youtube network), and Fred Seibert has actually done a ton of iconic shit.I don’t think I’ve ever AIRED MY GRIEVANCES in such great detail before, but there you have it. If you want some tips on pitching, you can check out the links I provided at the beginning of the post; there’s tons of people out there who actually know their shit too, and they’d probably give more proactive advice. I don’t know if this helps at all, but hopefully you can glean something from it! That’s just my limited experience with it. Haha. Good luck!

#pitching #ask #personal #Anonymous

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lisspeed-archive · 8 years ago

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Got tagged by the amazing @sore-dake thank you. c:

Nickname: Lizzy, Xigbar, Xiggy. Star sign: Virgo Height: 172,5 cm which is 5′7 feet. Time right now: 15:42 which is around 4. xD Last thing I googled: How to make music with Anvil Studio... I want to make music for my game, starting with Concordia’s theme. xD Favourite musician: I don’t really have a fave band or musician, but I do really like, Two Steps From Hell, David Bowie, Nobuo Uematsu and Yoko Shimomura! Song currently in my head: Emperor Palamecia Last movie I watched: Kingsglaive... I hardly watch movies and Kingsglaive was great. xD Last TV show I watched: Beauty and the Geek... It was on TV... And I was bored... Okay yeah... I might like these weird type of TV shows, sorry. ._. What I’m wearing right now: Star Wars T-Shirt, grey-greenish pants, red checkered blouse and a blue bathrobe (cause it’s cold |D). When I made this blog: I think back when I was 13... Which was in 2011 I believe. O_O What kind of stuff I post: Final Fantasy (mainly XV and VI, but I also post of the other games), Kingdom Hearts, Disney, my art and random stuff. xD Do I get asks regularly: I sometimes get them! Which reminds me... I still gotta answer some. X_X Why I chose my URL: Because I used to do fandom urls in the beginning, but considering I really didn’t stick to a fandom back then, I eventually changed it to Lisspeed. A nickname I’ve had for any site ever since I started to get on the internet haha. It’s literally the first 3 letters of my name Lis from Lisanne, combined with speed from fast. The speed actually comes from bitspeed which is the speed of a computer haha. Hogwarts House: Potermore says Griffindor, all the quizes I ever took say Ravenclaw. .-. Pokémon Team: None, I don’t like nor do I play Pokémon. Fave characters: Ardyn, Kefka, Demyx, Xigbar, Luxord, Edgar, Ravus, Prompto, Aranea, Celes, Dr. Facilier, Hades and a lot more which you can all find on my page about them. xD My top 3 would be Ardyn, Kefka, Demyx though. Dream job: I’m currently studying Game Art, so I hope to become a great Game Artist someday who will make enjoyable games for people. Number of blankets I sleep with: One most of the time, but sometimes 2 depening on how cold I am. Following: 222 blogs. xD My desk is hardly dead because of this and when it is I start worrying haha.

Ten Facts About Myself (not sure if I should reply to this too, but oh well xD):

1. I either, draw non-stop, or not at all. Arttrades (this I will do with more people but only if I have the time) and requests I will only do for my closest friends, you probably know it if you’re a part of those. xD 2. I have the most amazing friends, family and girl-friend I could ever ask for and I love them all. X3 3. I am a HUGE cat-person even if I began to love dogs as well ever since we adopted Misty. 4. I actually like writing fanfics and do it mostly at least once a month, but I’m too insecure to ever post them ahah. 5. Whenever I don’t respond to someone’s ask or reply, it is not because I dislike you, it is because I’m busy life consumed me. .-. 6. I’m Bisexual and Demiromantic. Bisexual with a preference for girls (somehow my aunt called it ever since I was a toddler and she was right, I’m gay for girls hahaha). I only figured out two years ago that I’m demiromantic because I only seemed to fall for friends. Part of me still hasn’t accepted this entirely. 7. The nickname Xigbar started out as a username I used on Discord, then my friends started to call me Xigbar/Xiggy so it kinda stuck with me ahah. 8. I actually like mpreg, yes, I’m not scared anymore to admit it. I sometimes draw it as a way of cooping and sometimes write about it. But I hardly reblog it or post stuff for it because I know it makes a lot of people uncomfortable and I dislike the fetish side of it. It’s not a kink of me at all, I just like the idea of men being able to experience the same thing as women. And yes, I know it’s impossible in real life to happen to cismen, but that’s fine, fantasy can make anything possible. 9. I no longer rp with everyone I encounter, after having had so many horrible experiences, I try to only stick with a small amount of people that I trust. Because I know that if sometimes upsets them or me, we can just normally tell one another without the other getting all angry about it. I will never start a Tumblr blog for it anymore. 10. I have way too many fictionkids and I don’t care cause they’re all my precious cinnamon rolls that need a mom and deserve to be protected even if they’re evil.

Tag ten people: Hmmmmmm... I taaaaag: @solfreyr @incarniunknown @annatard @deafgevaardigde @creamecream @jlavisant @stephicness @doriardyn @king-of-heartless @swoooonamis (I keep tagging the same people, sorry peeps, but I dunno who else to tag and I’m scared to tag people I haven’t talked with at least once. :’D)

#lizzy speaks #tagged #hahaha #I should draw now #continue arttrade #continue Concordia's theme #draw something mpreg related just because a friend and I discussed it yesterday #sprite sheets maybe #and I feel like I'm forgetting something lmao

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indi-flying-with-dragons · 8 years ago

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1, 2, 15, 16, and 18 XD

HEY MAN XD How ya doing? :3 *HUGGLES* Sorry for getting to this late. xD Around this time of night things calm down enough and I finished going through my feed usually so I tend to have more of a breather for things like this. XD

Let me see here. >.>~~~

1: What is the most useless fact you know?

Oh shit let me think? XD You’d have to define “useless” there man because I don’t really categorize things into things like this. e.O O.e I mean I have “disgusting” or “weird” or “shocking” or “little-known” or “freaky” or “could be useful but isn’t yet” along with “useful” and “cool” and “awesome” and “funny” categories. Not “useless.” O.o

….-^- I shall do one from the “random” category and shake them around and see what I pick from a hat! *nod nod* -^-

*fails when most of the things he draws out are actually cool or helpful or important*. … -///- Nrrr. I not do this good eh?

… SCREW THIS. >^^

Did you know that blue feathers are a structural color? :D Come from the structure of the feather itself and not any pigments? (Unless you’re a parrot because they can make rare color pigments naturally like blue, red, yellow, and green!) Purple is another structural color, same with iridescence. :3 You don’t see it so well unless there’s sunlight. :D

Red, yellow, orange, shades of brown, shades of grey and black, are all pigment-based colors. :D Red, yellow, orange are all from one’s diet (unless you’re a parrot!), with green being a combination of the yellow pigment the blue structural color. :3

White is a structural color and complete absence of pigment at all. :D So it wears down more easily than black which has a lot of pigment reinforcing the feather structure from wear and tear. Which is why most bird species that fly a lot usually have a darker color band along the edges of their flight feathers, to stop that wear and tear, if their wings aren’t already a darker color. :3

2: What was your most awkward “hahaha…oh wait you’re serious” moment?

Geeze have to have one come to my mind. Hrm. I KNOW I’ve some. Or rather… I know I’ve done a FUCK-TON of “You’re totally serious …wait you’re actually joking? oops.” which is the exact opposite I’d say. *grins*

…Fuck it’s not actually coming to me. I just keep getting plenty of “you’re serious… oh wait you were joking the whole time? Ahahah… *belated laugh*” instead. O.e

I don’t have the memory for things like this. T^T (And you overthink things a lot!) Shush! (NEVAH -^-) -.-;;; …Fuck this I’m gonna do what comes to my mind instead. -^-;;;My dad was leading into a pun with me totally unknowing. He was telling a pretty serious-sounding story, and I was focusing more on his lips to lip-read him, and not noticing the little glint of mischief in his eyes. Then he ended with a very VERY bad pun about a pig somehow. (Don’t fully remember it, thankfully!) I got confused for several long beats… then deadpanned when I finally got it. I told him it was P.U. two-thirds of a pun and so bad.

He laughed a lot and then proceeded to keep getting my mind to fill in his puns for him, even ending up at the end drawing out something and my mind filled in the joke FOR him without him having to say a word. He cracked up so hard, I was laughing yet complaining about him doing that.

Then I said (My mom was also in the room btw): “MOM! Make my dad stop using my mind against meeeeee!”

Then we all took in how that SOUNDED, especially out of context, and just erupted into total laughter for many long minutes. xD One of the hardest we’ve laughed as a group that I can think of. XD I was proud of that bit. XD Even if I didn’t like the PUNishment my dad subjected me to beforehand. -x-;;

15: How would you describe Tumblr to a friend who has never heard of it?

A site full of social justice stuff, discourse, random memes, cool stuff, and really weird things you never heard before, all stuffed into one thing. The IM function kinda sucks. The tag system is tricky to figure out. But I really love reblogging things to have on my blog as some sort of whacked up collector fetish.

…What? Why are you giving me that look?

Wait. WAIT

COME BAHCK

16: What is the single most liberating thought that you’ve ever had?

Well there’s one that recently comes to mind. To realize that there isn’t much of a separation between me in this lifetime and me in my spirit. That, while I had almost idolized my spirit self because I KNEW what to expect then and was laid back and calm and not the frazzled nervous wreck I feel myself to be in this lifetime… there really isn’t that much difference at all. In this lifetime, I’m acting exactly as how my spirit self would act… because I AM my spirit self.

I just don’t have the information I am used to having back at home, which frazzles me quite a bit. But all the good things I saw in my spirit self, I have in abundance here as well. And all the things I don’t like about this physical life self, I’ve done and encountered plenty of times back at home. I just didn’t really pay attention to those as much. No matter where I am, no matter how much or little I remember, I AM the same exact person here in this life as I am back at home. I’m just responding to a different situation, with some limitations on hand that makes it more tricky for me than I’m usually used to handling.

That really helped me a fuck ton that revelation. :) I was finally ready to believe it and integrate that into my perception of the world around me. :) Finally. X>X~

18: What’s the worst case of “spoiled rotten” that you’ve seen?Let’s see…

I’m not going off in person because I can’t overhear that well IRL due to being hard-of-hearing even WITH my cochlear implants. I’m going off what I saw online since I can more consistently actually know what the fuck people are saying in that format.

There was someone who was taking a photo of them in their car, a teenager, with a literal wad of cash in their purse, simultaneously complaining about not getting something better, as well as bragging about what they already had. Then I heard some agency went in and busted their parents up over the incriminating wad of cash in the purse, since that was pretty good evidence their parents had been doing some illicit activities. And this person saw fit to complain and throw a fit over it, and jump on the government agency as being the “bad guys” and themself and their parents being “poor victims of a crime” no matter how many people tried to explain to them on social media why they, that person themselves, had actually fucked up.

#long post #Des friend #LOL #funny #ask game #answering a submission #answering #answers #I had fun XD #Thanks for this man!#You're awesome XD

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aquarianlights · 7 years ago

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Just popping in to tell you that you are gorgeous as fuck

Oh goodness. Hahaha. Wow, thank you so much! I wish that were true in my eyes. I have accepted the fact that other people can somehow think I am attractive, but I just can’t wrap my head around why someone would think that or how someone could think that about me. In my eyes, I am the most hideous, fat person on this planet. I have come to terms with the fact that I am ugly, like I mentioned in my post on that one picture, but I cannot accept the fact that I am ridiculously overweight and fucking obese. I hate myself so damn much because of my weight. I even avoid going out in public because of my weight and how ugly I look and feel. I can fool people with my selfies, though. With the right angle, the right lighting, the right filter, and the right camera. . .I can look pretty attractive. But it’s all an illusion. That’s why selfies are great. They can make your fantasy of being a beautiful, slim, flawless, model-worthy person a reality. But if you met me in real life? You’d run the other direction. Haha. I’m really hard on the eyes. My pictures are eye candy, I will admit, but my real life image? Very hard to look at. I have a very fat, obese, short, stubby, ugly body. . .and my face is too round and chubby and I have no neck or chin to speak of (which I want to get cosmetic surgery for when I can afford it) coz I inherited that from my fucking mother. I have a major, odd overbite on my top row of teeth because instead of sucking my thumb as a little boy, I sucked my two fingers (ring and middle), which caused my teeth to bulge out, one a little more than the other. Hoping to get that fixed with invisalign as soon as I can afford it. I have always had super clear skin, but lately my picking problem has become unbearable and I am ripping the skin off of different places and now I have all these red marks on my face and permanent scarring in some places because of that issue I have. And concealer doesn’t cover it that well no matter how much I put on. And then the pigmentation of my skin is disgusting because I am a pasty, white, lobster-person. My skin turns red at even the slightest bit of heat. And I have a pigmentation issue on my right cheek bone where there is a circle that is always red that concealer won’t cover. My eyes are way way WAY too big for my face (as everyone can probably tell). I’m certain people probably make fun of me for how big my eyes are behind my back. My hair is beautiful in colour, but ugly in style. My nose is huge and always red at the tip because, again, I am a white, pasty, lobster person. (Seriously, why did I have to be born white? UGH) My eyebrows are way way way too thick and they make me look perpetually angry. I have a bad case of resting bitch face and bored-to-tears face even when I’m excited about something. My smile is the most hideous and scary thing you will ever see; especially if it’s a teeth-showing smile. I have a baby face so I get mistaken for a teenager/high schooler quite often which is absolutely insulting. I have even had someone tell me my actual ID was a fake ID because they couldn’t fathom the fact that I was born in ‘92. I constantly have such dark circles under my eyes that it looks like I have two black eyes due to my insomnia and my sleeping pills not working anymore. My chin protrudes and it’s ugly. My lips are fucking HUGE and ugh god they’re disgusting. My teeth are somewhat yellow-ish because of all the tea and coffee I drink and because of the lack of money to go to the dentist (my insurance does not cover dental and never has...white teeth are a product of wealth, not how well you take care of them). My breath always smells horrible because I am anorexic and anorexia makes you have bad breath (still not sure why. I just know it’s the cause.). No matter how much I brush or how many times I rinse with mouth wash or how many mints I pop throughout the day, I’m pretty sure my breath still smells and I don’t know how anyone can stand to be around me. My face is pretty expressionless and I don’t make good expressions which makes me miserable and boring to other people. My laugh is fucking obnoxious because I laugh really loudly and it’s more of a maniacal cackle than anything. . .unless I’m giggling, then I sound like a fucking seal. If I don’t shave between my eyebrows for like 6 months or more, I get a small, practically invisible unibrow which is totally noticeable to me but normally not to other people. My nose is constantly wet and dripping because I have such bad allergies. My eyes are fucking bright blueish-grey, sometimes fully grey, so it’s super easy to tell when I’m on drugs because you can see my pupils turn to pinpoints or, if I’m on something trippy, you can see them dilate like crazy. Which, as someone who does drugs every day of his life, that’s an absolute curse, mate. I have TMJ so my jaw goes click click click every time I open and close it. I have a SUPER TINY mouth and a very thick tongue. Which is an awful combination. I can’t decide whether my forehead is too big or too small. And the creases of my eyes are practically right on top of my eyes because of how huge my eyes are. And glasses are always way too big for my face because I have such a tiny head. My nonexistent neck is super thick and makes me seem like I have a bazillion chins no matter how skinny I get. When I was down in the 90 lb range, the fact that I don’t have a neck/chin really fucking got to me because even at that weight, it still looks like I have a million chins. I can’t escape it without surgery to physically move my throat back where it is for normal people. Which, I’m not even sure if that can be done, but I will pay a plastic surgeon my whole goddamn life savings to fix that for me. I just don’t have the money right now and won’t anytime soon because I’m sure it will cost thousands upon thousands of dollars up-front. Uhhhh.....what else.....well, that’s just my head. From my neck up. You don’t even wanna get me started on my body. I could go on for hours because of how fat I am.

But. . .it’s really, really, REALLY nice to get messages like these. I never know if people are just mocking me and lying to me and laughing at my expense when I respond with gratitude, kinda like a “HAHA He’s so gullible!!!” sorta thing. That’s what I usually suspect is going on when people compliment me like this.

But I’ve been trying REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to just accept the compliments as truth and believe that people are being honest with me and aren’t just making fun of me and being sarcastic. So. . .if you’re serious, which I am going to force myself to assume you are, I really fucking appreciate this. Like....SO much. I have nonexistent self esteem. Like...zero. Maybe even negative numbers for my self esteem. I doubt you will ever encounter a person with lower self esteem than me. So to have people boost my ego with things like this means the world to me. It makes me feel like...maybe...maybe I can go out in public. Because I don’t go out in public because of how ugly and fat I am. I dread going out in public because of that. When I was like 105lbs or less, I was so fucking happy and I felt like I could go out in public whenever I wanted! It was incredible!!! Having thin privilege is.......wow, it’s life changing. I don’t think people with thin privilege even realize how great they have it. Honestly, being skinny would take away my depression, cure my anxiety, and all of my self destructive habits and suicidal ideations would just...fade away! They did when I was 105 and less. So anyone who says that weight does not control your happiness is a fucking liar when it comes to me, myself, and I. Because weight does, indeed, control my happiness, personally. While I’m fat and obese like I have been most of my life, it causes so much depression and anxiety and makes me want to kill myself solely because I am fat. I can deal with being ugly like I am, but I cannot deal with being fat like this. I can’t handle it.

And I can’t exercise at all because it could give me a heart attack and kill me due to my costochondritis. So I can’t even do that to help lose weight. So I’m just.....constantly starving myself and munching on dried mango slices when I’m hungry and drinking lots and lots of water and nothing else. A lot of people say that starving yourself will make you gain weight and it actually does in majority of people, but for some reason. . .starvation works on my body. Starvation is the one thing that will make me lose weight. And it’s really my only option at this point. Yeah, I could go into hypoglycemic shock or a hypoglycemic coma, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take if I could just be skinny.

Like I said. . .I have come to terms with the fact I am ugly. That is never going to change no matter what I do. But my weight? That is something I can change if I keep up the starvation and don’t break. Which, I have gotten very good at over the years since I was a little kid. The drugs help curb my appetite, too. The reason I started doing certain drugs was actually to curb my appetite. Nothing else. I didn’t want them to get high or for fun or anything like that---I just wanted them so I could lose weight. And they sure are helping. I fucking love drugs.

I would do anything to be skinny and have thin privilege. Literally anything. I will die trying if I have to. I would rather die an early death while skinny than live a long life while fat.

Ahhhh, I got so off topic there. I’m sorry. Weight and my appearance has just been prevalent in my mind since I came across those three old pictures I just reblogged from my selfie tag. So I just. . .had to vent and get that out there. I’m so sorry. But venting really helps me. A lot. So. . .saying all that really just helped me calm down and stop crying and beating myself up over all of it. So. . .even if you don’t read all this, if someone does read it, thank you. Thank you for listening.

And, nonny. . .thank you so much for your wonderful compliment. You just made me feel SO damn good about myself. And it really means a lot to me because I have this scratch on the skin above my upper lip on the right side that I have been clawing at for hours now and I have opened up a whole damn hole in my skin and now it’s turned into a massive red spot of ugliness and it’s probably not going to heal for a long time no matter how much of this prescription healing gel I put on it. The gel is like a super version of neosporin. My mom had it when she had her mastectomy for breast cancer. They took fat from her stomach to make her a new breast and she had some crazy, sick scar from that. Huge scar. So they gave her this gel that you put on the incision site to make it heal faster. And it really works. So she gave the remainder of it to me and I’m putting it on that area like every two seconds, but then I get the urge to claw at it and I do and then it just starts bleeding and gets bigger and worse and worse. And I just can’t seem to stop myself. If there is an area of my skin that isn’t perfectly smooth and flat, I will claw at it until it’s bleeding and until I feel that it’s flat or concave that will heal into flatness. Can’t even tell you how many circular shaped scars I have from ripping off little swollen bite areas from insects. Two circular dots are on my face and it makes me feel so fucking ugly. And now I have this huge red mark on my upper lip and it’s killing me to look at myself because I can’t do anything to hide it and I basically never want to go out in public again. . .my picking problem has made me 50x uglier than I already am and it REALLY gets to me. I physically can’t go out in public because of my looks and weight without a fuckton of valium or ativan in me.

So. . .hearing this from a stranger. . .some anonymous. . .it means the world to me. It means that someone, somewhere out there in this world, could walk past me and think “Wow. He’s so handsome.” or something like that. It gives me hope that maybe one day.....ONE DAY......someone might actually think that in real life when I don’t have all the right angles, filters, right lighting, right pose, etc etc etc...If someone were to say this to me in person when I was in my natural environment without all the selfie gimmicks? I think I would legitimately pass out. Haha. I’ve never been the gorgeous one. . .I hate going out with most of my friends sometimes because they are a million, bazillion times hotter than me.

I’m hoping the HRT will change how I look and how my body is. I hope it will slim me down and strengthen my facial structure. The doctor said it probably won’t have any affect on my face, but I have seen FTM and MTF people who have before and after pictures and their faces look super different. So I’m just fucking praying to all the omnipotent, noncorporeal, fate-controlling aliens in the universe that it does exactly that. I would kill to look like anyone other than me.

I have never seen an ugly fat person before. The only ugly fat person I have seen is me. Fat and skinny are both beautiful. And fat is not a derogatory term. People seem to assume that just because I think I’M fat and that makes me ugly, I somehow think that they must be ugly due to their weight, too??? And that just doesn’t make any fucking sense to me when people come to me with the “Well if you xxx pounds and I’m xxx pounds, then what does that make me in your eyes? A fucking obese monster?” LIKE NO, FAM. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. The only fucking way I think about fat being ugly is on ME. PERSONALLY. I am the only one that my logic about weight applies to. And people just don’t seem to understand that and it pisses me off. I’m anorexic and I have bad body dysmorphia. So, I mean, fucking SUE ME FOR EXPRESSING MY OPINION OF MYSELF AND MYSELF ALONE. Just because I think I’m fat at 128 lbs does not mean I think someone at twice my size or four times my size is ugly due to their weight. I am attracted to all sorts of people. And Callie in Grey’s Anatomy is the exact body type I am attracted to. She’s not conventionally skinny like most people. . .yet, that is the number one body I am attracted to. I’m not usually attracted to skinny people because they make me out-of-my-mind angry and vengeful because I want to BE them and because they usually take their thin privilege for granted or aren’t even aware that they have it and MAN that pisses me off. They usually have no idea how good they have it. Ugh, fuck. I have experienced what it was like to have thin privilege. I was practically fucking worshiped. Even though I lost all my weight for very unhealthy reasons and I was the most unhealthy I had ever been in my life and I was the sickest I’ve ever been physically, everyone would still see me for the first time in a while and be like “OH MY GOD. KILLIAN. LOOK AT HOW SKINNY YOU ARE. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS OH MY GOD!!!” and they would just continuously praise me for being skinny. I would get asked out on dates and invited to all these high end exclusive parties simply because I was skinny. And guys and some girls were absolutely all over me. I remember walking into a gas station to ask for direction and there was a line of guys waiting for the cash register and when I walked in, they all turned around and did a double take and literally scanned me up and down with their eyes and they all got this kind of devious smirk and one of them even put his hand around my waist and they were just absolutely marveling at how gorgeous I was. Purely because I was skinny. I could get into clubs and bars so easily when I was skinny. The second I gained the weight back? Everyone that had loved me when I was skinny abandoned me with the absolute weakest excuses. No one paid attention to me anymore. I started getting looks of disgust again. Started getting the stares.......you know the stares, right? The ones that say “Wow, I’m so glad I’m not as fat as him!” Stuff like that. My mistress even gave me a special session when I lost all the weight because she was so proud of me. . .despite the fact I lost in a very unhealthy way and for very bad reasons and despite the fact that I was physically sicker than I had ever been. IT DIDN’T SEEM TO MATTER TO ANYONE HOW SICK I WAS and how unhealthy I was and how I was basically dying from extreme starvation and dehydration. All anyone cared about was that I was skinny and my body looked ideal. So I know what thin privilege feels like. . .it gives you the confidence to leave the house whenever you want to. It gives you an ego boost like no other because clothes actually look GOOD on you. It makes people love you like crazy and lust for you. It helps you get in to basically anywhere you want and it helps you get past so many rules and laws and shit just because you’re skinny. You can fucking get away with anything when you’re skinny. I learned that easily when I was tiny. The second I gained it all back, though? It was like I was barred from everywhere and all of my friends and people who were lusting after me just fucking left.

I mean, yes, I’ve had tons of people tell me I’m attractive. Some irl and most online. I have had people tell me I’m gorgeous and alluring and that my eyes are mesmerizing and that they could gaze into them all day. But it’s always so hard for me to believe. . .because of my weight. Not even because I am ugly. . . but simply because of my obesity.

But I’m trying. I’m really trying. I can’t thank you enough for this message. You just gave me an opportunity to vent and get all my crazy emotions out like I really, really needed to. I was gonna keep it all inside for the night and let it eat me alive and destroy me, but. . .now I feel SO MUCH BETTER after being able to rant like that. You just did more for me than raise my self esteem and give me a little ego boost and make me smile and giggle and make me feel really, REALLY good about myself. . .you just helped me to get through a particularly tough state of mind that would have caused me to pop so many more pills and possibly accidentally overdose. You just seriously saved me by sending me this simple compliment.

I can’t thank you enough. There are no words to express my gratitude to you. You just made my whole night turn from miserable and self-loathing. . .to absolutely wonderful and self-affirming. c: You’re a wonderful human being and I’m so so so glad you took the time to type up this message. I’m sorry I had to vent like that, but I just HAD to get it out. You are the best. Ily. Thank you so so so fucking much. I would kill to hug you tight right now.

Also, I haven’t gotten a compliment on my looks on tumblr in a good while now, so this was very refreshing. I used to get compliments on my looks all the time. . .now I barely get any. So this was a nice change of pace. c: Thank you, again. I wish I had the words to express my gratitude, but no words would be able to formulate how extremely thankful I am to you.

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rainforestdawn · 8 years ago

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I’m bored, so why not?

Thank you Charlie @adeathnoteblog for reblogging the questions in a blank format.

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? Always more cereal than Milk. Lactose intolerant, less milk the better.

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? Yes, but only if it’s snowing big fat snowflakes.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Receipts, Grocery Lists, and Candy Wrappers, lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?I like it very sweet, with one dollop of cream. Or just black hazelnut.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes. It’s very big, and I really dislike drawing attention to my mouth.

6: do you keep plants? No, Each time I try, I wind up killing it. Even the hearty “hard to kill” ones.

7: do you name your plants? Nope.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Magazine Collage, and music.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yes

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? I’m a right side sleeper.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? One Word. Macarena.

12: what’s your favorite planet? For reals? We’re supposed to have a favorite? Earth…I guess?

13: what’s something that made you smile today? Not a damn thing, actually. I haven’t laughed or giggled or chuckled, either. That’s unusual.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? That depends on which best friend you’re talking about. Like, I actually don’t have one best friend.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! *Do constellations look different other planets?* The planets of the Solar System do revolve around the same central body, but they do so on different orbits, so they will observe the stars from slightly different angles. This will make the constellations we see from here slightly different from the ones you see from there.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I’ve always wanted to go completely blonde, or smurf blue.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. That fucking time I sat on a goddamned apple pie. It was a Christmas party, and I had excused myself to the porch to have a cigarette. I sat on a chair, and it occurred to me that it was warm, and didn’t pay it any mind. I don’t see well in the dark, and there was a towel on the seat, covering the pie, so I didn’t notice it until I got up. SO fucking embarrassing since I knew literally, two people, at this party.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I tend to doodle spirals, or repetitive lines, kind of like concentric circles. I write about how I’m feeling in that moment, the things that are randomly floating through y head, stuff I need to remember, grocery lists, phone numbers and appointments, and other random bits. I carry a hard covered spiral bound book or a children’s school notebook at all times with a pen.

20: what’s your favorite eye color? I really do enjoy all eye colors. No one in particular. Each eye is different, and I rather enjoy looking into them and noticing the variations. But I rarely do this.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I don’t have one in specific that I think of in these terms. I pitch any bag that carries a major association with. I do, however, have a green duffel bag that I’ve had since my first trip to the states with my first husband. That’s nearly 20 years old now.

22: are you a morning person? I can be. But I prefer waking in late morning.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Nap. Listen to soothing music. Watch the leaves moving in the trees. Curling up on the couch. Watching a favorite movie. Eat yummy food. And then nap some more.

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? My followers, of course. I haven’t given my tumblr address to anyone in my family, or my close friends. There’s actually only two people whom I’ve shared this site with that I know IRL. You’re all privy to my worst secrets.

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? An old Jail? I dunno, breaking into something isn’t really my forte.

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? Nada. Crocs from the dollar store, hahaha. Not a fashonista at all, and gave up matching shoes before I had my second child.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Excel Green. Whatever flavor that is. Spearmint I think?

28: sunrise or sunset? Depends. If I’m with someone I love, Sunrise. If I’m real fucking down, Sunset.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Christ. This is a thing?! I dunno, they banter back with my sarcastic insults.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yup.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. OMG. I’m a toe sock junkie. I prefer the fuzzy, soft kind of socks if the floors are cold. I like Toe socks because I can wear flip flops with them, and I call them my campfire socks. Less Mosquito bites if I wear those during an evening campfire. I have a lot of crazy patterned socks because my ex and the kids tend to steal them if they’re plainly colored.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Uhhh…I sobered up? No, really. There aren’t a whole lot of people I’ve stayed up all night with. It’s my time. It’s private.

33: what’s your fave pastry? Strudel.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I have two stuffies I got as gifts as a kid. I don’t know why I keep them. There’s no association with them at all. Maybe because most of the things I had as a child were so often thrown away…Huh. I haven’t named them. Both are bears. One is on all fours, on is sitting on it’s backside. Now that I think of it, I really should just pitch them out.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? I <3 comfortable, smooth writing pens. And when I find one, it stays with me until it goes dry, and then I miss it for months, and mourn it’s loss. I once had a pen I kept for seven years before it dried out, no joke. Stationary makes no diff to me at all.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Umm. The Cranberries.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean. I feel good when my room is clean.

38: tell us about your pet peeves! I fucking hate wet towels on my bed. When people refer to the USA as “America” and not the United States, they aren’t the only goddamned country on this continent.

39: what color do you wear the most? Black. I love bright happy colors, but when I had my first child, my husband and mother in law insisted they help me build my wardrobe. It was all pastels or white & black, and a lot of khaki. So, I gave up my own sense of style. I wear a lot of black.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I have a diamond and Ruby ring that my kinds’ dad gave me as an “I’m sorry” gift. He didn’t take my side in an argument with his parents. He didn’t agree with me.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Mo Willems Don’t Let The Pigeon Books.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not at all.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? My youngest son.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? That happens so rarely I actually don’t recall.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Absolutely.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. No. I refuse to start punning.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? I dunno, jalapenos? NO clue.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? The Dark, or being in the dark with a lit doorway. It’s not my biggest fear now, but it’s still up there.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I love buying CD’s from Thrift Shops. The last one I bought was a Better than Ezra album I haven’t listened to yet.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i try not to collect things, they tie you down, or somehow they get thrown out. When I notice I’m doing it, I give them away.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Calvin - Who’s thinkin about you now by Jason Mraz

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? Gawd, I dunno. I have no idea which ones are new and which ones aren’t. And I really don’t care.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? Yes I have, and I didn’t get what the hype was all about. heathers? Never heard of it. beetlejuice? Yup, and I thoroughly enjoyed it’s creepy vibes. pulp fiction? yes, and identified way too much with it. what do you think of them? —–^

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My kids. They’re entitled.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man, there’s WAY too many of those things to list here.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Their imagination, and their sense of humor.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? yes, every time. I <3 this song.

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? This would indicate I have lady friends whom I might drink with. I don’t keep lady friends, the last time I did my ex slept with each one.

59: what’s your favorite myth? All of them

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I do like poetry, but writing it. I don’t have any favorite writers of poetry.

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I’ve given condoms a few times. I’ve received them too.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?Nope. Water water water.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Not at all. I usually just arrange my books by size, when I have them out.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Dark blue with a grey tinge because it’s cloudy and night.

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My childhood besties, Crystal & Jaime.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Daises and clover.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Introspective? Reflective?

68: what’s winter like where you live? Cold. And multiple feet/meters of snow

69: what are your favorite board games? Sorry, Pay Day, trivial Pursuit?

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Yes

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Black

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? Sometimes.

73: what are some of your worst habits? I chew my nails, and I text paragraphs before I consider how it sounds when people are hurting and I’m comforting//advising.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. They listen without judgement, give as much affection as I need, and let me cry. Then they cheer me up and make me laugh until I cry again. And finally, they feed me and put me to bed.

75: tell us about your pets! I have a white, Californian bunny, named Mr. Benjamin. One of my children is allergic to cats and the other dogs, and I had a terrible experience with a Hamster once. Traditional pets really aren’t our forte. Mr. B travels well, and is typically well behaved until you piss him off.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Finding something for dinner, since mine was scooped by one my sons’ friends. Or cleaning because our home will be shown by a realtor tomorrow.

77: pink or yellow lemonade? PINK *drools*

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I think they’re cute, but only because they’re yellow.

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Hm.I really don’t know. Someone sent me a jar with sand and shells in it recently, but that was more thoughtful and sweet, not cute.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Wine red. Nope. I’m a renter. And these walls are fucking ugly.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. Whoa dude, tone back on whatever it is you’re on.

82: are/were you good in school? I was until I hit 8th Grade, then I was a fucking badass who shit on those who wanted me. I’m quite ashamed of who I was in my youth.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Boney M’ Nightflight to Venus? I haven’t actually looked at album art in a long time.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Nope, all done with those. now I’m waiting until my wait time ends so I can start donating blood.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Not anymore. Classic Archie comics are my favorite.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I guess so? I dunno.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Christ. Anything Disney & Pixar.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Like, a group? Or a dance? Sheepers. I’ve no idea.

89: are you close to your parents? Not even.

90: talk about one of you favorite cities. I’ve always enjoyed Columbus, Ohio. It was the first city I explored and learned on my own. It’s the place I learned to navigate and not fear being lost.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I hope to find my way to the ocean on the West Coast someplace.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? Sprinkle a pinch.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? I’d love to have thicker hair, style doesn’t matter

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My youngest son

95: what are your plans for this weekend? It’s Canada Day Weekend, so we’re spending the day at the local festivities at our local beach.

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Both

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Don’t know, and not doing the test right now. Libra. And Gryffendor.

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? when someone close came for a visit. Yes I did enjoy it.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Honey Bee by Tom Petty, Free by Train, Home by Sheryl Crow

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Neither. I wouldn’t risk it.

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