#I so wish I knew the documentary where I saw one fail to eat for like 3 min straight

[thedailyvio]

Day 122

[enjeolmii]

seeking you - l.hs

genre: angst, a pinch of fluff

word count: 1.3k

warnings: indirect mentions of suicide, a very, very, very short peck on the lips

a/n: this is a repost from my old acc coz it was obstructed... but if you’ve read this before, you are very welcome to read it again 😁 tysmm 💗💖

"I'm back, y/n."

Heeseung shouts from across the house with the sound of a plastic bag shuffling in his hand. He's seen you working very hard to accomplish your assignments all day, and he thought that picking up food from your favourite place would help ease your stress.

But when he had set his foot past your bedroom door, he stumbles upon your figure, hunched over the desk and your head dug into your arms. Your laptop is playing a one-hour documentary going on about Ancient Greece, and each side of your earphones was tucked into your ears. His eyes soften at the sight of you. You've told him how much school has been a tad more overwhelming now that everything had to be done on the screen. Your eyes never had a chance to take a break ever since after Christmas break because while your teachers told you countless times to rest over the weekends, you weren't dumb enough to know that these assignments are going to finish themselves.

Heeseung sighs an empathetic smile and approaches you. He places the bag of chicken by your desk before leaning down to whisper in your ear.

"Bub," He patted your head lightly. "Get up a minute. I got your beloved chicken here. Let's take a break and eat, hm?"

Thinking you were asleep, he kept tapping at your head. His finger brushed along the strands of your hair, and you subtly flinch at his actions. "Come on, bub. Wake up."

"Heeseung," You weakly croaked out through your arms. The male immediately knew that something was wrong. You always called him by the nickname you two bestowed each other, and on odd occasions that you don't, Heeseung instantly knows how serious things must be.

"Y/n..."

You rise from your position and leaned back on your desk chair, hair covering your expression as you hide from your boyfriend's stare. "I don't think I can... I can't do this anymore."

A tear drops from your face to your h̶i̶s̶ grey hoodie. Heeseung didn't fail to notice this.

College was rough for him as well. He's been where you are now; he knows how it feels like to be so outdone by all these tasks. Except he had no one. You didn't understand, but you were an angel who came to save him that fateful night.

He was walking recklessly across all the busy highways in the area in an attempt to maybe do something any human would perceive crazy. He had left his piled-up works back at home and decided to take a break from the stuffy air of his room. He was feeling lost. He often wanted to give up on school, and this might be the first and last time he decided to take it on another level.

However, he arrived at a halt when you appeared in front of him with an expression he wished he had. You looked so happy and unbothered; it took every ounce of strength he had in him not to get annoyed and snap out on a stranger. But those sweet letters that left your mouth so exquisitely was all it took to make him feel a need to hear you more.

"What's a man like you doing walking in the middle of the streets crying, hm? Do you know how precious you are to be walking alone on the busy highways? I don't know who you are, but jeez, don't go losing your life here. That's just a losing game for the weak. Also, it'd be quite a loss not to see you around again, don't you think?"

You were such a bright person then; he was sure he'd be nothing now if you didn't come to stop him. And all he wanted to do was to do the same for you—all to keep that contagious little smile on your face.

His smiley eyes drifted into melancholic blobs of blue at your words. He didn't want to see you crying, not even sad. You are the only source of the sun he has left in his life, and he sure didn't want to see you lose your colour.

He slipped his hand in between the chair and your back before engulfing your body in his hold. "It's okay. I'm here. Tell me all about it." He reassured you.

Your weeping only grew louder with every second he consoled you. How lucky must you be to have met a guy you could relate to so much in the middle of the streets so easily? Although problematic, you two still managed to work things out together and held tightly to each other at times when unexpected hardships arise. He was always there to protect you from your troubles ever since you called it official with him; it just makes you feel uneasy that you couldn't do the same for him through college.

It didn't take you much longer to realise that the cotton on his right shoulder had been soaked well with your tears. And you try to make them stop with a sniffle from your stuffed nose.

"No," You shake your head against his shoulder. "You didn't do it like this, too, right?"

He questioned your statement with a hum.

"You kept all your troubles to yourself. It bothers me that you didn't give me a chance to protect you like you always do for me. It's unfair, you know?"

Heeseung chuckles at you. "No, it's not," He pulls you out of his arms to cup your face that's stained with tears. "You've done more than enough in protecting me, bub."

Your brows furrow.

"Remember the first time we met? You appeared in front of me so suddenly while I was in the middle of trying to take my life."

With every word that he enunciated past his mouth, the feeling of astonishment bubbled up in you. You were only joking when you told him not to lose his life on the highways because he looked so uncertain every time you saw him try to cross the roads from behind the glass cafe wall. But now that you know, you couldn't help but feel absorbed in the way you two just seemed to be meant for each other.

"Now that I realised how stupid of an act that was, I'm so thankful to have bumped into you that night. And don't say it's unfair because you've done so much more for me than you can imagine," He drags his thumbs to wipe the tears off your cheeks. "Someone told me that keeping your problems to yourself is a losing game for the weak, so don't cry alone and tell me everything about your problems, okay?"

You giggle at the pout he gave you throughout his lecture, and you felt like he was the only thing you needed in this world to keep you alive. As you bounce your head up and down to his request, you swiftly lean in to peck at his pout. You didn't know what you were thinking, but all you could say was that it felt right. It made you feel a lot better, knowing that he's always got your back at times like this.

An awkward silence loomed between the pair of you. All while Heeseung tries to process in his mind what you just did, his eyes grew wide from the stunt you riskily pulled off.

"Y..your shoulder's wet now." You try changing the topic in an attempt to eliminate the awkwardness, but your efforts only seem to fail when your boyfriend looked back at you with eager eyes.

"Do that again."

"H-huh?"

"Kiss me again."

"Uhm... The chicken! My chicken..." You pull your head away from his grip and hastily rummaged through the box inside the plastic, immediately putting a drumstick to your mouth while Heeseung laughed at your panicking structure.

[beanst0ck]

my friend wanted the tsukishima version of this so i had to do it 🥴

pairing: tsukishima x reader

word count: 1438

cross posted on my wattpad

Kissing His Best Friend [[Tiktok Challenge]]

- the gentle wind ruffled the trees and bushes surrounding the high school of crows

- while the air outside seemed cool and fresh, the air inside the gym was hot and stuffy

- the boy’s volleyball team was practicing extra hard especially two certain first years

- halfway during practice the third years got called out of the gym by a teacher to discuss something about their grades, leaving the rest of the team to either continue practicing or take a break

- hinata and kageyama continued to practice hard while tsukki grabbed a water bottle and sat against a wall, waiting for the rest of the team to return

- out of the corner of his eye he spotted nishinoya and tanaka trying to do tiktok dances in sync and failing miserably

- tsukki knew about a lot of tiktok trends and dances thanks to his energetic teammates, but he didn’t spend most of his day mindlessly scrolling through the app

- he had things to do, like studying and watching his dinosaur documentaries, so he didn’t have time to waste doing silly tiktok trends

- snapping out of his thoughts he noticed he was in the camera’s frame and grimaced, trying to scoot away but his upperclassmen immediately noticed

- “tsukishima!! join us!!”

- “no.”

- nishinoya and tanaka pouted at their teammate’s salty behavior, but immediately brightened up noticing a certain someone walk through the gym doors

- “(y/n)!!”

- they ran past tsukki and opened their arms in hopes that they’d be able to trap you in the ultimate bear hug

- sadly for them, you dodged them just in time, leaving them to face plant onto the floor

- you slowly walked away from them and upon noticing your best friend you jogged over to him

- “tsukki!!”

- nishinoya and tanaka sniffled while patting each other’s back, knowing they’ll never be able to have you because your heart belonged to the salt shaker

- tsukishima greeted you and asked you why you were still at school even though school had already ended a few hours ago

- “the teachers wanted me to drop off papers to the captains of all the teams we have, all i need is daichi and i should be free to go!”

- “daichi isn’t here.”

- he had to hold back his laugh once he saw your reaction to the captain’s absence

- “i did not just walk across campus for daichi to not be here.”

- “hate to break it to you, but you did.”

- “tsukki! you’re supposed to be nice to me!! >:(“

- you smacked his arm and this time tsukishima couldn’t hold back a chuckle at your childish attitude

- nishinoya and tanaka’s ears perked at the sound of tsukishima’s chuckle

- they literally looked at each other like ‘ 👀 ‘

- yamaguchi, being the literal angel that he is, offers to show you where daichi is so you could deliver the packet of papers to him

- you literally go “really?🥺”

- tsukki definitely didn’t get salty, no sir he didn’t

- except that maybe he did-

- nishinoya and tanaka decide to set their unspoken plan into motion and cough to get the attention of the group

- “you know what tsukishima? why don’t you go with yamaguchi?”

- “but it’s not my job to deliver-“

- “dont disrespect your upperclassmen!! besides, (y/n)’s feet must be sore from walking around the whole day!”

- tsukki sighs, knowing that arguing with the two of them is literally impossible

- so he embarks on a mini adventure with yamaguchi to deliver some papers to daichi

- just when you’re about to tell nishinoya and tanaka that they didn’t have to do that and you were perfectly capable of delivering those papers yourself they turn to you with one of the biggest smiles you’ve ever seen

- “(y/n)! we have a plan!”

- “...ok?”

- so there you stood as nishinoya and tanaka explained their ‘ perfect plan ‘ on how you would get to kiss tsukishima

- “you’re the only one that tsukishima can tolerate enough to do this!!“

- “...you’re just using me for tiktok views aren’t you?”

- “...”

- “*sigh*”

- nonetheless you agreed because,,, who would pass up the opportunity to kiss tsukishima? exactly no one

- and if you said you would,,, no you wouldn’t stop lying to yourself

- if anything went wrong and your friendship nearly gets ruined you could blame it on nishinoya and tanaka

- so they start setting up the area

- tanaka tells hinata and kageyama to practice on the other side of the court, just incase one of kageyama’s sets goes astray and ends up hitting someone

- nishinoya and tanaka set up the phone and begin recording, not knowing when tsukishima would walk through the doors

- “what if he doesn’t catch me-“

- “don’t be so negative (y/n)!”

- you had many many doubts about this plan

- but you went along with it because you got an excuse to kiss tsukishima

- soon you heard footsteps from outside the window and signaled tanaka and nishinoya

- they gave you a thumbs up, wishing you luck and hoping that their plan wouldn’t fail because if it did you would most likely stop talking to them

- as soon as the doors opened yamaguchi and tsukishima stepped inside, now was your moment!

- “tsukki! catch me!!”

- tsukishima turned his head to the sound of your voice, his mind not registering the words you said when he saw you quickly running towards him

- when you jumped he instinctively held out his arms and caught you, almost stumbling backwards from the force

- your legs were wrapped around his waist and your hands were on his shoulders as you let out excited giggles, happy that he actually caught you

- “idiot, why’d you do that? what if i didn’t catch yo-“

- without thinking you grabbed his head and smashed your lips against his

- tsukishima, still not processing that you jumped for him to catch you, also could not process that you were kissing him

- taking his lack of response as a ‘im not kissing you back’ you slowly pulled your lips away but didn’t get the chance to as tsukishima placed his hand behind your head to kiss you back

- mind you, tsukishima was still carrying you, just with one arm bc he’s strong 🥴

- nishinoya and tanaka were hyping you up with tears in their eyes from sadness or happiness is up to you to decide

- yamaguchi was secretly recording because he wanted to have his own video proof that he was there to witness the moment

- even hinata and kageyama got distracted mid set-

- oh no

- o h n o

- hinata and kageyama got distracted mid set

- hinata was so focused on the scene that his hand unconsciously followed his eyes and he accidentally sent the ball flying towards the two of you

- just as the two of you pulled away from the kiss tsukki noticed the ball flying towards the two of you and turned his body around so it wouldn’t hit you

- instead of the ball hitting your head it ended up hitting his

- the gym remained quiet as tsukishima rubbed the back of his head in an attempt to soothe the pain of the spike

- hinata was absolutely distraught, knowing he was about to suffer the wrath of the angry salt shaker

- “tsukki!! are you ok??”

- you were quick to gently grab his head and rub the back of it, occasionally rubbing your hands through his hair in an attempt to distract him from the pain

- suddenly all the pain tsukishima felt was gone lMAO-

- tsukishima nodded and exited the gym with you

- he set you down outside and told you to wait while he went to go get his things

- all hinata got was a bonk on the head?? which was?? shocking??

- hinata mentally thanked you for soothing the salty monster’s wrath

- once tsukishima returned back to you he squatted down in front of you and you looked at him like ‘🤨’

- “what are you doing?”

- “don’t your feet hurt? hurry and hop on before i change my mind.”

- oh boY

- you were so quick to jump onto his back for a piggyback ride

- on the way home you asked tsukishima if he liked you and he literally sCOFFED

- “we kissed and you still doubt my feelings for you? do you need another one to clear your head?”

- i mean... you didn’t say no to that

- the next day nishinoya and tanaka show you the video they took

- people were fawning over how fast tsukishima was to turn his body so you wouldn’t get hurt

- tsukishima acted like he didn’t like the attention but this little shit was eating it up

- if you wanted to do more tiktoks with him involving kissing he was not going to deny you

haikyuu mlist

[leahmovedagain]

Apparently HBO has a documentary about the unaired pilot and most of the cast and grrm commented about what was wrong with it and George said that he didn't like the Dany/Drogo bedding scene in episode one because in his books is not rape because Dany consented the act. I mean is he aware she's a 13 old girl with grow man???

Yeah I’d like to beat him with a stick for saying it was consensual. Just because she was flushed and her heart was pounding (aka her body responding to his touches), she didn’t want to marry him or consummate the marriage at all.

What’s confusing for me is that grrm makes it very very clear in Daenerys first two chapters that 1) she’s terrified of drogo 2) doesn’t want to marry him and 3) that this is not a simple betrothal, but she’s being sold to her new husband.

Dany could hear the singing of the red priests as they lit their night fires and the shouts of ragged children playing games beyond the walls of the estate. For a moment she wished she could be out there with them, barefoot and breathless and dressed in tatters, with no past and no future and no feast to attend at Khal Drogo’s manse.

[...]

The old woman washed her long, silver-pale hair and gently combed out the snags, all in silence. The girl scrubbed her back and her feet and told her how lucky she was. “Drogo is so rich that even his slaves wear golden collars. A hundred thousand men ride in his khalasar, and his palace in Vaes Dothrak has two hundred rooms and doors of solid silver.” There was more like that, so much more, what a handsome man the khal was, so tall and fierce, fearless in battle, the best rider ever to mount a horse, a demon archer. Daenerys said nothing. She had always assumed that she would wed Viserys when she came of age. For centuries the Targaryens had married brother to sister, since Aegon the Conqueror had taken his sisters to bride. The line must be kept pure, Viserys had told her a thousand times; theirs was the kingsblood, the golden blood of old Valyria, the blood of the dragon. Dragons did not mate with the beasts of the field, and Targaryens did not mingle their blood with that of lesser men. Yet now Viserys schemed to sell her to a stranger, a barbarian.

When she was clean, the slaves helped her from the water and toweled her dry. The girl brushed her hair until it shone like molten silver, while the old woman anointed her with the spiceflower perfume of the Dothraki plains, a dab on each wrist, behind her ears, on the tips of her breasts, and one last one, cool on her lips, down there between her legs. They dressed her in the wisps that Magister Illyrio had sent up, and then the gown, a deep plum silk to bring out the violet in her eyes. The girl slid the gilded sandals onto her feet, while the old woman fixed the tiara in her hair, and slid golden bracelets crusted with amethysts around her wrists. Last of all came the collar, a heavy golden torc emblazoned with ancient Valyrian glyphs.

“Now you look all a princess,” the girl said breathlessly when they were done. Dany glanced at her image in the silvered looking glass that Illyrio had so thoughtfully provided. A princess, she thought, but she remembered what the girl had said, how Khal Drogo was so rich even his slaves wore golden collars. She felt a sudden chill, and gooseflesh pimpled her bare arms.

[...]

“She’s too skinny,” Viserys said. His hair, the same silver-blond as hers, had been pulled back tightly behind his head and fastened with a dragonbone brooch. It was a severe look that emphasized the hard, gaunt lines of his face. He rested his hand on the hilt of the sword that Illyrio had lent him, and said, “Are you sure that Khal Drogo likes his women this young?”

“She has had her blood. She is old enough for the khal,” Illyrio told him, not for the first time. “Look at her. That silver-gold hair, those purple eyes … she is the blood of old Valyria, no doubt, no doubt … and highborn, daughter of the old king, sister to the new, she cannot fail to entrance our Drogo.” When he released her hand, Daenerys found herself trembling.

[...]

She was still looking at this strange man from the homeland she had never known when Magister Illyrio placed a moist hand on her bare shoulder. “Over there, sweet princess,” he whispered, “there is the khal himself.”

Dany wanted to run and hide, but her brother was looking at her, and if she displeased him she knew she would wake the dragon. Anxiously, she turned and looked at the man Viserys hoped would ask to wed her before the night was done.

[...]

Dany looked at Khal Drogo. His face was hard and cruel, his eyes as cold and dark as onyx. Her brother hurt her sometimes, when she woke the dragon, but he did not frighten her the way this man frightened her. “I don’t want to be his queen,” she heard herself say in a small, thin voice. “Please, please, Viserys, I don’t want to, I want to go home.”

“Home!” He kept his voice low, but she could hear the fury in his tone. “How are we to go home, sweet sister? They took our home from us!” He drew her into the shadows, out of sight, his fingers digging into her skin. “How are we to go home?” he repeated, meaning King’s Landing, and Dragonstone, and all the realm they had lost.

Dany had only meant their rooms in Illyrio’s estate, no true home surely, though all they had, but her brother did not want to hear that. There was no home there for him. Even the big house with the red door had not been home for him. His fingers dug hard into her arm, demanding an answer. “I don’t know …” she said at last, her voice breaking. Tears welled in her eyes.

“I do,” he said sharply. “We go home with an army, sweet sister. With Khal Drogo’s army, that is how we go home. And if you must wed him and bed him for that, you will.” He smiled at her. “I’d let his whole khalasar fuck you if need be, sweet sister, all forty thousand men, and their horses too if that was what it took to get my army. Be grateful it is only Drogo. In time you may even learn to like him. Now dry your eyes. Illyrio is bringing him over, and he will not see you crying.”

Dany turned and saw that it was true. Magister Illyrio, all smiles and bows, was escorting Khal Drogo over to where they stood. She brushed away unfallen tears with the back of her hand.

“Smile,” Viserys whispered nervously, his hand falling to the hilt of his sword. “And stand up straight. Let him see that you have breasts. Gods know, you have little enough as is.”

Daenerys smiled, and stood up straight.

[...]

Daenerys Targaryen wed Khal Drogo with fear and barbaric splendor in a field beyond the walls of Pentos, for the Dothraki believed that all things of importance in a man’s life must be done beneath the open sky.

[...]

Yet that night she dreamt of one. Viserys was hitting her, hurting her. She was naked, clumsy with fear. She ran from him, but her body seemed thick and ungainly. He struck her again. She stumbled and fell. “You woke the dragon,” he screamed as he kicked her. “You woke the dragon, you woke the dragon.” Her thighs were slick with blood. She closed her eyes and whimpered. As if in answer, there was a hideous ripping sound and the crackling of some great fire. When she looked again, Viserys was gone, great columns of flame rose all around, and in the midst of them was the dragon. It turned its great head slowly. When its molten eyes found hers, she woke, shaking and covered with a fine sheen of sweat. She had never been so afraid……until the day of her wedding came at last.

[...]

Dany had never felt so alone as she did seated in the midst of that vast horde. Her brother had told her to smile, and so she smiled until her face ached and the tears came unbidden to her eyes. She did her best to hide them, knowing how angry Viserys would be if he saw her crying, terrified of how Khal Drogo might react. Food was brought to her, steaming joints of meat and thick black sausages and Dothraki blood pies, and later fruits and sweetgrass stews and delicate pastries from the kitchens of Pentos, but she waved it all away. Her stomach was a roil, and she knew she could keep none of it down.

There was no one to talk to. Khal Drogo shouted commands and jests down to his bloodriders, and laughed at their replies, but he scarcely glanced at Dany beside him. They had no common language. Dothraki was incomprehensible to her, and the khal knew only a few words of the bastard Valyrian of the Free Cities, and none at all of the Common Tongue of the Seven Kingdoms. She would even have welcomed the conversation of Illyrio and her brother, but they were too far below to hear her.

So she sat in her wedding silks, nursing a cup of honeyed wine, afraid to eat, talking silently to herself. I am blood of the dragon, she told herself. I am Daenerys Stormborn, Princess of Dragonstone, of the blood and seed of Aegon the Conqueror.

[...]

As the hours passed, the terror grew in Dany, until it was all she could do not to scream. She was afraid of the Dothraki, whose ways seemed alien and monstrous, as if they were beasts in human skins and not true men at all. She was afraid of her brother, of what he might do if she failed him. Most of all, she was afraid of what would happen tonight under the stars, when her brother gave her up to the hulking giant who sat drinking beside her with a face as still and cruel as a bronze mask. I am the blood of the dragon, she told herself again.

[...]

And after the gifts, she knew, after the sun had gone down, it would be time for the first ride and the consummation of her marriage. Dany tried to put the thought aside, but it would not leave her. She hugged herself to try to keep from shaking.

[...]

The last sliver of sun vanished behind the high walls of Pentos to the west just then. Dany had lost all track of time. Khal Drogo commanded his bloodriders to bring forth his own horse, a lean red stallion. As the khal was saddling the horse, Viserys slid close to Dany on her silver, dug his fingers into her leg, and said, “Please him, sweet sister, or I swear, you will see the dragon wake as it has never woken before.”

The fear came back to her then, with her brother’s words. She felt like a child once more, only thirteen and all alone, not ready for what was about to happen to her.

They rode out together as the stars came out, leaving the khalasar and the grass palaces behind. Khal Drogo spoke no word to her, but drove his stallion at a hard trot through the gathering dusk. The tiny silver bells in his long braid rang softly as he rode. “I am the blood of the dragon,” she whispered aloud as she followed, trying to keep her courage up. “I am the blood of the dragon. I am the blood of the dragon.” The dragon was never afraid.

Afterward she could not say how far or how long they had ridden, but it was full dark when they stopped at a grassy place beside a small stream. Drogo swung off his horse and lifted her down from hers. She felt as fragile as glass in his hands, her limbs as weak as water. She stood there helpless and trembling in her wedding silks while he secured the horses, and when he turned to look at her, she began to cry.

[...]

He removed her silks one by one, carefully, while Dany sat unmoving, silent, looking at his eyes. When he bared her small breasts, she could not help herself. She averted her eyes and covered herself with her hands. “No,” Drogo said. He pulled her hands away from her breasts, gently but firmly, then lifted her face again to make her look at him. “No,” he repeated.

It’s just gross and confusing to me. I don’t understand why if he wanted to make it come off as consensual, why did he write her to be absolutely terrified of drogo, have her tremble and cry, make it clear she’s a glorified slave for him, make it clear she doesn’t want to consummate the marriage, to just then turn around and say “Well it was consensual.”

Does he know that just because a persons body responds physically doesn’t mean they’re consenting to a sexual act? Does he know that a child cannot consent to a sexual act? It’s concerning and confusing for me.

[gemmassong]

So uh. It’s 4:17am and I know literally no one cares but I just finished watching Bo Burnham’s new special and like, holy shit. I have some Feelings. And this is my fucking tumblr so unfortunately anyone who follows me can and will be subjected to those Feelings. Apologies in advance. I blame my high school English teacher for this, who I had for freshmen, junior, and senior year, because that cunt made as analyze and pick apart not just books but documentaries, movies, and other pieces of media to such an extreme degree I still blame her for a lot of my academic burnout and inability to really engage with my college courses because what was the fucking point. If I could write the best paper in the class and still not get a full score when my classmates with less well written shit did because I ‘wasn’t reaching my full potential or putting in as much effort as required’ why should I bother. 

Off topic. I’ll put the rest under a cut to be vaguely courteous because this is going to be a lot of semi-organized rambling that I’m putting here mostly so I can stare at it in baffled, disgusted horror at ~2pm tomorrow when I go back and reread it. And then decide not to delete it anyway because hey, I don’t delete anything because I enjoy tormenting myself years down the road.

I grew up with Bo Burnham, yeah? I knew all the lyrics to New Math when I was in middle school and you can bet your ass I understood like, four verses at the time I first started singing it. And I remember the vivid pleasure of going through high school and hating math because I suck at it (ayooo failed out of Calc senior year first semester~ (they weren’t called semesters in hs they were some quarterly thing but I don’t fucking remember the right term)) and the absolute joy realizing how one of those verses were clever was brought me. Like, every time I understood a new verse in New Math it made my entire day so much better. 

And then the summer after my first year of college I, for some fucking reason I cannot fathom now, 20 year old me thought it was a brilliant idea to decide to watch What. with my parents while we ate dinner. I had seen What. before. I knew what the contents entailed. I was apparently 100% down to watch him pretend to jack off on stage while eating taco salad in the living room with both of my parents who were so closed mouthed about sex that I got literally my entire sexual education from fanfiction. 

And then my cat had a seizure literally right before that scene so fate helped me escape that hell for some reason, and yes, Siren was fine after a very scary night.

But like. Still. What the fuck, 20 year old me. Why did you set yourself up for the mortifying experience of watching a comedian mime jacking off while sitting next to your mother. Why. 

So anyway. Bo Burnham was peripherally a part of my life for a very long time. I’ve always really liked him. I wish he had made more vines while vine was still a thing because the ‘is there anything better than pussy’ one still cracks me tf up. 

I saw a post here at some point about how the new special made someone feel like they’d just watched his suicide note. And I didn’t take it seriously, because yeah, Make Happy got kinda serious and stressful there at the end but like? 

Maaaaan am I glad I watched Inside though, despite being vaguely concerned. I totally get where that person was coming from. It does kinda feel like that. At the same time though, I just have this feeling that Inside is going to be important. 

Here’s where I finally get to the actual fucking point of the post.

Collectively, entertainment media is desperately trying right now to figure out how the hell to handle the pandemic. Ignore it? Pretend all media now exists in a universe where the shitstorm of 2020 didn’t exist? Most of the ones that I’ve seen have gone down what I consider the absolute worst route, which is of course terrible fucking writing that kind of? addresses the pandemic and shit that went down, but like, with clunky dialogue and really bad jokes. I’m mostly talking about the Roseanne spinoff/sequel/whatever the fuck it’s considered, of which I watched half an episode of and then silently begged my fiance to let us leave his mother’s house because she was laughing at it and it was genuinely, horrifically painful. This is why I don’t watch tv anymore. 

ANYWAY. He never mentions it. Not once. There are plenty of really relevant things discussed and pointed out and I think one? mention of the actual year 2020 but beyond that. Nothing. And I feel like Inside might be one of the most genuine, visceral, real pieces of media portraying the pandemic that we, as an American society anyway, are going to come away from this all with. At least everyone in my own admittedly piss poor social circles has spent like last ~year and a half doing that social media thing where the more you post about how well you’re doing and great it all is, the more miserable and bad off you really are.

(Yes, that is how I judge my ‘friends’’ relationships on facebook. The more pictures/posts/tagged shit/social media demonstrations of how ~amazing~ and ~in love~ and ~perfect~ everything is, the worse I assume the reality is.)

But Inside strikes as very, very real. And I just feel like 20 30 40 50 years from now, when we’re talking about the 2020 pandemic and how it shaped and shifted and effected and destroyed people and society, it’s going to be a very important piece of media. Because so far, anyway, it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can actually see it all go down. The absolute fucking breakdown so many of us went through. Dealing with worsening mental problems that had previously been getting better, lost progress, ruined plans and dreams and missed opportunities and everything else. 

It’s the first one that strikes as real, I guess. As not manufactured. Not tailored to portray the ‘correct’ message. Not diminishing or exaggerating anything but just... showing. Existing within the reality of the year. And not being apologetic or ashamed about it. 

I’m glad he actually went through with putting it out into the world. That probably took a whole lot to do, and I hope good things get to him for going through with it all. For completing it and giving it to the world. It was visceral and raw to watch and my piss poor attention span that needs 20+ tabs open at all times actually sat there and watched it, in full, all the way through in one go. Without pausing to read a fic, watch something else, check facebook or tumblr, answer a roleplay, or skim through omegle to see if anyone good was online. That’s like, unheard of these days.

I just. I dunno. There’s a lot there to breakdown. A part of me wants to do it, take the time and write the analysis and the breakdowns and pick out what I think the important bits are. But I hate doing that now and I’m sure the desire will be gone come afternoon-morning, along with all these weird feelings about it. 

This has gotten long enough and it’s 4:47 now, so half an hour of word vomiting into a tumblr post is probably too much. So I guess I’ll call it quits and maybe maybe not delete this when I wake up. Night, anyone who actually suffered through reading this mess.

[btsrmono]

Trial & Error | chapter 14

Main Pairing: (jimin): student/idol x (main): foreign student  Side Pairs: main x (nct) jaehyun

PART 13

“Wait, so you mean to tell me you actually believe in spies?”

You nodded your head, positively. “Dude, they’re totally real, I’ve done my research.”

“You’ve done your research.”

“Yes, there’s plenty of articles and documentaries on it.”

“What, on the dark web?” Jaehyun teased you. “There’s no way it’d be that easy to find.”

You rolled your eyes. Yes, it took you some digging to find, but you weren’t lying!

He laughed at your semi serious appearance and tapped you lightly. “Come on, I’m just joking y/n.” He looked at you for a second before deciding to pour you both another glass of wine.

When you had first arrived, he took you to the rooftop of his building and had a whole set up for you two laid out. A few candles and more than enough layers of blankets laid upon the ground, which was quickly dried up from the rain earlier, to your surprise. He didn’t fail to have some snacks and a small meal prepared.

To be quite frank, you weren’t expecting anything more than chilling inside with him, maybe watching some T.V but no, he actually arranged a real date with you. You couldn’t help but get butterflies upon the idea of his thoughtfulness.

You chuckled at the silly conversation as you picked up the glass, thanking him. He picked his up too and looked at you. “Cheers?”

“Cheers.”

After clunking the glasses, you both took a sip of the bitter yet smooth wine. It was pretty strong so you were getting a good buzz from it, allowing you to be more relaxed with him.

“You’re the type to believe in aliens too, I guess,” Jaehyun spoke, taking another sip.

“Sweetie, I believe in those more than I believe in spies.”

He almost choked from laughing too hard and you couldn’t help but to join him.

“Our next date should be at the movies. We should see a sci-fy together.” He laid his back on the ground, the pillows supporting his neck.

You smiled at the idea as you decided to get cozy and lay next to him. “We should,” you agreed. “What’s your favorite genre?”

Looking you in the eyes and smiling brightly, he took an arm and wrapped it over your waist. “You can’t laugh,” he told you.

“I won’t, I promise.” He stared at you and you could tell he didn’t want to say it. “Goodness, don’t tell me it’s romance.”

“What if it was?”

You accidentally chuckled before quickly shutting your mouth and trying to keep a straight face for the sake of his dignity. In response, he lightly gripped your side as he giggled. “You promised!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, it just happened. There’s nothing wrong with you liking romance, hun.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.... What about you?”

You sighed, resting your arm across his chest. “Thrillers, horror, action.” His eyes widened upon hearing this. “I like the suspense,” you explained. “And the unrealistic realities of it all. As crazy as it may sound, it’s an escape from the real world.”

He nodded his head in understanding as you continued.

“For me, I’m not the biggest fan of romance because it sets unrealistic standards. It’s a let down, none of that stuff happens in real life. Love is... more complicated than what they show.”

He stared for a while, trying to read you when the wind lightly blew, causing your hair to fly. He took a second to enjoy the view of your messy hair before pushing it out of your face and behind your ear.

“It is,” he whispered.

You bit your lip, feeling that maybe you were looking at it too deep. “Sorry, I—”

“You wanna know why I like it?” he asked. You nodded. “Like you said, it’s unrealistic. It’s also my escape from reality.”

“Yeah except it’s in the guise of what’s supposed to be reality, that’s what annoys me. They’re nothing but a bunch of impractical projections.”

He laughed, his dimples deepening more than usual, causing you to blush. “Something tells me you were on the debate team at your last school.”

You playfully slapped his chest. “Shut up!”

“It’s just.... they give me hope. It’s okay to wish for the best in a relationship, y/n. Maybe with time, you’ll see that.”

He was right, maybe you were looking at it from too much of a negative stance. You couldn’t help it when most of your relationships ended bad. It was safe to say you did hold a grudge against love for a while and it’s okay to admit that.

You let out a breath, feeling defeated. “You’re not wrong, Jaehyun. You’re not wrong at all.”

While he laid, staring at you, you started to realize just why there was a romantic spark in him. You mean, the date alone showed how he viewed dating and to you, it was... adorable?

Before you noticed, you were staring right back at him. “What are you thinking?” he asked you in a hushed voice.

You grinned at him, placing your hand on his soft face. “You’re so pretty,” you said, stroking his cheek with your thumb.

Next thing you knew, he was kissing you. Small pecks at first. Once, twice, then three more before it progressed intensely, yet he still managed to be gentle. You remembered that he was a good kisser but now that you were more sober than before, you were in actual awe with the way his tender lips molded perfectly with yours.

You both went on like this for a good while and didn’t stop, you didn’t think you ever wanted to. But when he groaned softly, he knew it was time to pull away.

You pouted your now puffy lips at him. “I was enjoying that,” you whined.

He grinned from ear to ear, taking his eyes off of you and glaring at the night sky. “Don’t worry, there’s plenty more where that came from.”

“Ooh, is that a promise?” You mimicked his moves, looking up at the sky too. It was more beautiful than usual that night.

“It is,” he replied. “And unlike you, I know to keep a promise.”

You jokingly nugged his leg with your knee and you both let out a blissful laugh and enjoyed each other’s company until 1’oclock hit and you had no choice but to end the date and go back home.

The bar might have been low for you due to your dating history but you could easily say that was your best first date ever.

~~

You were shocked when you woke up for school and made it to the bus stop on time. What you almost forgot about for a split second was Jinsoul’s existence until you saw her sitting on the bus bench by herself for once.

When her sight landed on you, she froze as you rolled your eyes at her and looked the opposite way. You were so not in the mood to deal with her right now.

Suddenly, you saw Jimin coming from around the corner, putting you in a semi happier mood. When he saw you, he smiled brightly and you waved from afar. As he got closer, you realized he stopped by a 7-11 on his way.

“Hey, sleepy head!” he yelled.

“How’d you know?” you rhetorically asked as you took the plastic bag out of his hands to examine the items he brought.

“The eye bags explain it all.”

“You asshole!” you shoved him as he laughed and then you picked out an item: samgak kimbap. You unwrapped the food and started to eat, enjoying it more than usual since you skipped breakfast that day. “Thank you,” you said with a full mouth as you handed the rest of the food back to him.

He scrunched his nose in disgust but shook it off quickly and threw you a grin. “You’re so cute when you’re hungry.”

You turned up your face, pretending to be disgusted by the compliment. “Anyway, loser. Where’s Tae and Jungkook?”

He laughed, taking out some food for himself to eat. “Those idiots missed the first bus because they were up all night playing video games. They thought Winter Break started today, not tomorrow.”

Sad to say you weren’t surprised by this at all, it definitely sounded like something they would do. But on the other hand, you couldn’t judge. After everything yesterday, you felt like you didn’t have school either.

You shook your head, giggling at the situation. “I still can’t believe you guys have to catch two buses before this one. You all live so far compared to everyone else.”

“This area is too nice for our company to afford, I think.” He forced a smirk as he bit into a beef jerky stick and looked around at the other students waiting.

You knew it wasn’t his intentions but now you felt slightly bad and it was only 7am. But you quickly waved it off and continued to eat when you saw Jimin look behind you.

“I think someone wants to speak to you,” he said.

For a second, you were confused. But when you turned around, you saw Jinsoul walking your way. You sighed and dismissed yourself from him as he said he would just go chat with Minho.

“Y/n,” Jinsoul spoke, now standing in front of you. “Can we talk?”

To be real, you didn’t want to but you knew it wouldn’t be fair to not hear her out. So you nodded, approving of this request.

As she ran her fingers through her blonde hair, she let out a small sigh. “I had no idea about any of the things Heejin said to you yesterday.”

“Yeah, right—”

”You gotta believe me!” she pleaded. “Not to brag or anything but keep in mind that Jimin was my friend first. The only reason you know him is because of me, y/n. Do you really think I would be okay with someone using you and him for some clout?”

You licked your lips, almost at a loss of words. She was proving some points with that one. Now you just felt like a fool.

“I hardly know those girls, I only just started talking to them the other day and that was only because they were with you.” She paused, staring at you for a second, then she grabbed your arm lightly. “I know this might be hard to believe, given our circumstances but... I kicked her out right after you left. Y/n, you’re one of my best friends, I would never be okay with someone doing that to you.”

You tilted your head, looking at her adoringly. “You still consider me a best friend?”

She chuckled, squeezing your hand. “We never stopped. We just went through a small bump because I got so caught up with...” Jinsoul was now looking at the pavement, a somber expression taken over her face and you instantly knew the reason behind that.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you about him, are you okay?” You still couldn’t believe that Jacob would cheat on her. She liked him so much and as far as you were concerned, he liked her too. Everyone knew they were the cutest couple, him doing that was a complete shock.

“I wish I could say I was over him but it’s not that easy,” she replied.

“You’re strong and independent, you’ll be okay.”

“Eventually.” She looked back up at you and cracked a small smile. “Fortunately, I’ll be busy with training now so that’ll take my mind off of it.”

Just then, the school bus pulled up and you all hopped on and got ready for the school day. You knew you had some consoling to do so you linked arms with Jinsoul and sat on the bus with her as the two of you caught up on the ride to school.

~

Right before home room, Jimin insisted on walking with you to your locker when you realized you left your Chemistry textbook in there by accident but you assured him you’d only be a minute so he stayed behind.

As you exited the class, you began to put you hair in a ponytail when you were caught by surprise to see Heejin standing in front of your locker, clearly waiting for you.

You immediately rolled you eyes but continued to your destination to open your locker. “What do you want?” you asked, an annoyed tone hinted in your voice.

Heejin didn’t seem nervous. You can see that she looked apologetic but also, she wasted no time to start talking.

“I shouldn’t have told you any of that,” she spoke.

“You guys shouldn’t have done any of that, Heejin.”

She sucked her teeth. “It wasn’t me, y/n. And I’m not excusing anything. It was wrong, no matter what way I try to look at it. I just regret not telling you sooner.”

You shook your head, breaking eye contact from her to look for your book. “I don’t care, Heejin. It is what it is.” Your eyes laid upon your Chemistry 102 and as you grabbed it, you just realized that you were over it. Completely over it.

“Y/n, I was in a really bad mood the other night and I shouldn’t have snapped like that. I was mad at Kayla and was mad at you for defending her—”

“Which was childish,” you spoke, cutting her off as you now closed your locker. “Kayla is your best friend, Heejin. And I love Jinsoul but you can not let other people’s personal opinions about your best friend control you like that. Ever.”

Now she seemed regretful as she bit her bottom lip and clasped her hands together. “And I realize that now. I plan on talking to her. In the meantime, this is my apology, y/n. Please don’t be mad at me?”

You sighed, knowing you were going to have to face Kayla during class today as well. With so many confrontations happening today, you knew you had to persevere your energy and that started with forgiving people.

“I’m not mad at you, Heejin, I’m dissapointed. I just feel I need some space for a few hours... or days.”

With a nod, she agreed. “That’s understandable.”

That being said, you knew what you needed to do next. You walked back to home room and went right to your seat, turning to the woman whom sat directly behind you, still finishing a half eaten bagel.

“You need to talk to Heejin.”

“I know, she’s been acting really funny towards me lately?” She swallowed the bite that she was chewing before sitting up straighter and looking at you curiously. “Wait, is she acting weird with you too?”

You rolled your eyes. “Kayla, I’m not getting between this, just talk to her.”

She shrugged, not seeming too bothered. “I guess. Anyway, you wanna hang out tonight?”

It was very clear that Kayla had no idea about the situation at hand. And yeah, if you were upset at anyone, it was her. So, if anything, this put you in an even more annoyed state.

“Can’t. Ask Jimin, maybe he can spare you some company.”

At first, she looked lost but then she quickly shook it off, asking you if you really thought he would hang out with her.

Guessing that Jimin happened to hear his name being said, he turned back to look at you. Even though he wasn’t sure what you two were talking about, he had a feeling that you said something petty.

“Don’t,” he mouthed to you.

Sighing, you decided to take Jimin’s advice. Now definitely wasn’t the time or place and to top it off, it was just way too early for all of this. So you turned fully around just as your teacher walked in, prepared to start class.

~

By time lunch came around, you noticed you were one of the firsts in the cafeteria. As you stood in line, waiting to be served your tray, you felt an arm cling over your shoulder and you didn’t even need to look to know who it was. The scent of his godsent cologne gave it away, making you immediately blush.

“I think,” the voice to your left began to say, “we should start sitting together.”

You looked at Jaehyun, cocking your eyebrow conceitedly. “Someone moves fast,” you teased.

“Is that a ‘no’?” He grinned at you as you gently took his arm off you.

“Where in that sentence did you hear a ‘no’?”

“Nowhere, so I’m taking it as a yes.”

You giggled at his boldness but deep down inside, you felt flattered. “I take it you’re used to getting what you want.”

“You’d be suprised.”

You shook your head, opposing this statement. “Actually, I would not. And something about that makes me want to play hard to get.”

His jaw dropped in a joking manner as he tried to keep a poker face but couldn’t help but to let out a laugh. “You’re evil y/n.”

“And you’re lucky you’re cute.”

He playfully shoved you with his elbow and you followed by poking his dimple. The both of you smiled at each other sweetly as the line moved up.

“Y/n, we didn’t get to talk about that date.”

“Yeah, we didn’t,” you replied, suddenly getting butterflies as you thought about last night. “I had a good time.”

He smiled, relieved to hear you say that. “I’m glad you had a good time because I would like to take you on another one. A proper one... If that’s okay with you, I mean.”

A proper one. You weren’t sure what exactly he meant by that, as to you, that was a proper date. Especially considering your age and his schedule. Was the timing of the date messed up? Maybe, but he did what he could. And that alone, was the sweetest gesture.

You were about to respond but before you could even get the chance, you saw Jinsoul walking over to join you two in line as she looked at you both skeptically, arms folded in suspicion.

“Oh, hey—”

“What are you guys talking about?” Jinsoul cuts you off.

Jaehyun took a quick glance at you before looking back to Jinsoul. “I was just telling y/n that you guys should sit with us today.”

The line moved up.

“Sit with ‘us’? As in you, Jungkook, Eunah, Mingyu, Kyle,Hyeri and those other freaks?”

Jaehyun took the name calling very lightly as he cocked his head, chuckling at her. “Yes, me and those ‘other freaks’,” he confirmed.

“I’d rather choke on rocks,” she deadpanned before turning to you. “Y/n, if we sit there that means we’ve officially hit rock bottom, people are going to think we belong to a clique. Do you want to succumb to that?”

Jaehyun huffed. “You would know, little miss perfect, not too long ago you were sitting with us. And you know we’re not a clique, we’re friends with everybody. Come on, you say it like we’re not all still friends with you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Is Jacob there?”

Jaehyun sighed, seeming to suddenly remember that night. “No, he’s been sorta M.I.A. He’s been telling people he’s sick to get out of things.”

“Once a liar, always a liar,” Jinsoul scoffed, shaking her head in disgust. “Whatever, it’s up to y/n.”

You smiled, shaking your head in approval. “We should!”

“Then I guess we have no choice.”

After taking your trays and paying for your lunches, you all began to walk to Jaehyun’s table where some of his friends already sat, as you noticed Taehyung sitting at your usual table, distracted on his phone as he waited for the others to arrive.

You hadn’t seen Taehyung in a while and knew this was your chance to finally chat with him.

You slowly stopped walking as you got closer and closer to passing him. Jaehyun and Jinsoul looked back at you, curiously. “I’ll be there in a minute, you guys.”

Upon hearing this, Taehyung looked up and the other two shrugged this off and kept it moving. You looked over at Tae, whom was now smiling at you as you approached him completely. “Taehyung,” you greeted.

“Wow, she’s talking to me,” he jokes.

“I know you’re not speaking. I haven’t even gotten so much as a text message from you, this goes both ways!”

He pursed his lips together before blowing out an exhausted breath. “Well, I don’t know if you know but we’ve been preparing for a comeback. I know it’s not an excuse but—”

You chuckled upon hearing the news of this. “Wait, comeback? Oh my god, when?”

He grinned, shrugging a shoulder. “We’re not exactly sure yet, we’ll know officially in a few weeks the comeback date.” He raised an eyebrow. “Jimin hasn’t told you?”

“No, he didn’t.”

Taehyung let out a chuckle before looking back at Jaehyun’s table. He paused in thought, momentarily. “Why aren’t you with your friends?”

“I’m not gonna beat around the bush. I thought it’d be nice if you and I have a little chat about what happened. You’re always disappearing, I don’t know when we’ll get this chance again.”

He sighed and by the looks of it, you could tell he saw this coming. “You’re right,” he replied, nodding. “We should talk about it.”

You sat your plate on the table and took a seat next to him.

“Look,” he started. “I’m sorry I kissed you like that. In my head, I was mad at myself for ignoring you for so long that when we finally talked things out, I couldn’t hold back my feelings. But in reality, it shouldn’t have happened.”

“Your feelings?” you questioned, to which he then cocked his head, looking away as you saw him poke his tongue in his cheek.

“You’re really gonna make me say it, huh?” he asked, a grin on his face.

You started smiling, teasingly, as you realized what he meant.

“Yeah, I, uh...” Tae ruffled his black hair, getting slightly nervous before looking back at you. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a small crush on you, yn.”

You froze for a second, trying not to burst out into a fit of laughter but you couldn’t help it. As you laughed, Taehyung joined in, blushing deeply.

You weren’t stupid, you had your suspicions the day he asked you on that “date”, him kissing you just confirmed it. “I kinda knew,” you admitted. “I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t kind of have one on you too.”

He looked you dead in the eyes. “I knew, also. You’re not the only one who sucks at hiding their feelings.”

Now you were the one blushing.

“But if it makes you feel any better, I’ve been actually seeing someone. So you don’t need to worry about our past getting in the way of our friendship.”

He gave you a reassuring smile but all you could do was drop your jaw in response. Seeing someone? “Whhaaattt?”

He chuckled. “She doesn’t go to either of our schools and she’s not an idol or anything of that sort. But I actually like her. I’m gonna give it a little more time as of right now but then I’ll bring her around to meet you and everyone else.”

You pouted in happiness at this news. Taehyung was an amazing person and he deserved to be happy and loved.

“So going forward,” he continued, “I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I don’t feel weird and I hope you don’t either.”

You shook your head eagerly. “Of course I don’t, Taehyung! And I’m happy for you. We’re still gonna be besties. I love you, you know this.” You gently gripped his arm to let him knew you meant what you said.

“I love you, too.” He stifled a small laugh. “It’s good we’re both over each other. Plus, I think Jimin—”

“You think I what?”

You both turned to find Jimin walking up towards you guys, Jacob, surprisingly, following right behind him. You rolled your eyes.

“Aish, nothing,” Tae waves off.

Just then, you heard your name being called. You turned your head to the source of the voice, which was no other than Jinsoul’s, of course. She looked annoyed. Must have been Jacob’s presence being there. You couldn’t blame her.

“What’s the point of being over there when we agreed to sit over here today?”she yelled.

You sighed, standing up to get ready and go back over. As you began to pick up your tray, you suddenly remembered something.

“Oh yeah,” you started. “So my parents are going to Japan next week. My fathers company is having a conference there and my mom decided to tag along, I decided to stay behind. Anyway, I’m gonna have a small sleepover with my close friends, nothing crazy. Think you guys will be able to come?”

Jimin and Tae both looked at each other then looked back at you and simultaneously shrugged. “I don’t see why not,” Jimin spoke.

“We’ll be there,” Tae added. “Hopefully. We have to check our schedule but we’ll most likely be there.”

“Okay.” Then you looked at Jacob, who was shamelessly hiding his face from the side that Jinsoul could see him from. “Oh, and Jacob.” He looked up at you. “Just to clarify, you’re not invited. I’m sure you knew but I just had to make it clear.”

You gave him a smart ass smile as he squirmed in his seat before you turned on your heels to join Jinsoul, Jaehyun and his friends.

PART 15

A/N: bruh i can't believe it took me this long to update sjldjs my bad I've been so busy working everyday. capitalism is sickening! I'm at the point where i really dont think I'm cut out to work like someone pls make me a house wife at this point, i’m begging! skfslkfs anyway lots of small confrontations this chapter, let me know what you guys think, ily!

[braveskyered]

Dames 6 - Parentese

It is highly recommended that you read Knights before reading this, otherwise you may miss some context.

Knights is a post-Hellbent fanfic where, while the Mystery Skulls learn the truth of what happened in the cave, reconciliation fails in the long run, and Arthur leaves his old life behind to escape the vengeful wraith. He tries to move on with a new life, but it’s not easy to heal from the trauma.

Knights is seen through Arthur’s eyes, while Dames is seen through the eyes of the other people he interacts with.

This takes place before Part 1.

Parentese, aka, baby talk, is the way a parent speaks to their baby to help their child learn language.

- - - - - - -

- - - - - -

Elaine knew that raising children would be difficult.

She’s read the books, heard the stories, watched the documentaries, and even asked her friends and relatives that have their own children for potential pointers.

The results… vary, she came to find out.

Her cousin Eleanor would often talk about her struggles with raising her two daughters, Phoebe and Rhetta, and how often she and her husband had to get up at night to tend to them back when they were babies. How often they cried during the night, how they didn’t want to sleep, and how often they’ve refused to eat or nurse here and there, the list goes on. Eleanor’s first daughter is five years old, and her second daughter is three.

In a sense, her cousin only had to raise one baby at a time.

On Elaine’s end, the challenge is even harder, for she ended up having not a single child, but twins.

And it wasn’t just twins, but fraternal twins.

Even now, Elaine still considered it a big deal. In the past, she was told by a handful of doctors she had visited years ago that she is nearly infertile and would be very unlikely to conceive a child, let alone two, even with fertility treatments.

As she was walking downstairs, Elaine briefly recalled her time with the man that was her first love. They had been dating for a few years and were even considering marriage until she had told him about her unlikely chance of having children upon planning to start a family. To this day, she still wondered why the man would just dump her like that and ghosted out of her life, but she knew not to let it bother her.

She soon met a better man, one who understood and accepted her for who and what she is. Even though he was terrified upon learning what she and her family were capable of having monster forms so suddenly, he still chose to remain beside her.

Elaine remembered her reluctantly telling Arthur about her inability to have children before their marriage. Arthur’s response upon hearing her sorrow about the topic stood out like a sore thumb in her memory.

“If… that’s what you’re worried about, then it’s okay,” he smiled sadly at her, “I probably wouldn’t be a good father, anyway.”

She really wished that Arthur wouldn’t berate himself like that, especially since--

“Look at you, Gwen! Are you putting that red block over a blue block?”

Elaine stopped at the bottom of the steps upon hearing Arthur speak.

“Percy, I see you moving that brown block on the white block.”

Elaine held a hand over her lips and smiled in joy and amusement. In the living room, on the large rug, is Arthur with their twin children. Hearing him speak slowly and emphasizing certain words to the little ones is a sight to behold.

It was when that Elaine noticed that Arthur hasn’t noticed her presence, and that’s when Elaine made a move. She took out her cell phone and started to record him.

“Do I see a yellow block?” Arthur talked slowly to the twins and made a small slow of pointing a finger at the toy block in question while emphasizing certain words, “I see a yellow block.”

Gwen was babbling something while clapping her hands. Meanwhile, Percy started crawling over to the block Arthur was pointing at, and immediately made a grab for it.

“You got the yellow block. Good job!”

Elaine couldn’t help but grin at the sight of Arthur doting on their son. She soon noticed that their daughter had made a face that looked angry briefly, then saw the baby girl start to crawl over to another block. Arthur is quick to pick up on their daughter’s movements, and Elaine heard him laughing gently.

“Working out those muscles, Gwen? I see you going for that blue block.”

Words cannot describe the wonderful feeling of joy and warmth that Elaine felt upon seeing her shining star of a husband doting on the ten-month-old twins. When they learned that they were going to be parents, Elaine was ecstatic while Arthur was terrified. But when the twins were born, despite having a somewhat rocky start, Arthur took the role of being a father much better compared to many Elaine had heard about.

So the words Arthur once said about him not being a good father? Total nonsense, Elaine knows, because how else would he be willing to hold the children, speak to them, play with them, or just take care of them in general?

He’s everything an ideal father should be. 

 “You did wonderful Percy! You call tell colors apart!”

Despite it all, Elaine knew that Arthur would never show this side of him in front of just anyone. It wasn’t because Arthur thought it was weak or anything like that, far from it—

“E-Elaine!”

Elaine blinked in surprise and gave Arthur an embarrassed smile upon realizing that he noticed her.

Arthur, while holding Percy to his chest, is very still and spoke with a small voice, “H-How long have you been recording?”

“Oh, not for very long,” Elaine giggled before saving the video on her phone, “You were very cute.”

His face turned a beet red in embarrassment, “De-De-Delete that, please!”

“Sorry, my star, but this will be a treasured memory for me,” Elaine slipped her phone into her pocket before joining in with him and picked up Gwen, “I almost never see you look that happy.”

Arthur groaned a little, knowing that he couldn’t convince her. The both of them have lost count on how often they’ve had this conversation.

“…If you’re going to keep it, then just send stills of it to your parents. I don’t want them to tease me over the way I talk to the kids.”

Elaine laughed before giving him a kiss to his cheek.

“Of course, my star.”

[ofstarsandvibranium]

Waiting It Out

Fandom: Marvel (College AU)

Pairing: Chubby!Bucky Barnes x Reader

As requested by anonymous:  hi! I was wondering if I could request something where you’ve been friends with Bucky for years and there’s been mutual pining forever but now that he’s chubby he’s more reluctant to tell her about his feelings. love u btw 💛💙❤️

You’re not even sure you remember life before Bucky. When you met Bucky in sophomore year of high school, you just knew that that friendship was made to last. He was funny, smart, kind, and was always there for you. You were there for him as well. When his dad passed during senior year, it was hard for Bucky. He was so emotionally devastated, he was so close to failing his last year of high school. But thanks to you, he was able to walk across the stage and accept that diploma from the principal, while shooting you a wink and smile. 

You were proud to call Bucky Barnes your best friend. You would do anything for him. Even help him get girls...despite how much it hurt you to do so.

You didn’t exactly know how it changed. But one day, as you were sitting in the cafeteria listening to Bucky talk about the presentation that he absolutely killed in AP Biology, you just knew that you loved him in a more romantic way than platonic. There was just something about his eyes and his smile and his humor that got you hooked. Just like how all the girls and guys were hooked on him. But you never stood a chance. You were just his best friend and that was all you would ever be.

____________________

Junior Year of College

You drag yourself out of your bedroom and into the kitchen to see Bucky plating some sausage and eggs, “What’s this?” you sat on the stool next to the counter.

“You got a big test today. Figured you’d need a good breakfast to get your brain waves flowing, ya know?”

You gave your best friend a soft smile as he slid a plate towards you, “You’re the best, you know that?” he gave a shrug and watched you dig into a meal, a fond smile on his face that was only reserved for you and you alone. 

He then let out a sigh as he went to cook breakfast for himself and the rest of his roommates, Wanda and Sam. For years, Bucky’s feelings for you have remained strong. He doesn’t know how it happened. He just woke up one morning during high school and got a look at you and he was bit by the lovebug. And it never went away. 

As you two grew older, you grew closer and Bucky fell even more head over heels for you. You were so outspoken about the things you were passionate about. You were so determined, resilient, and hardworking. He was in awe of how beautiful, inside and out, you grew up to be. He also cursed that you would never see him the way he saw you especially after he gained the Freshman Fifteen and it didn’t seem to go away. He looked down at his pudgy stomach, hidden by the oversized tee he was wearing. 

At one point, he was so ready to tell you how he felt, but then freshman year and all the stress and food happened and, well, now it seems like he’ll never be able to tell you. Why would you wanna go for a guy like him now? He wishes work and school weren’t keeping him so busy. That way, he’d be able to get to a gym and lose all this weight. But he can’t and now it holds a huge weight on his back.

“How do you think you’ll do on midterms?” you asked after swallowing some eggs.

Bucky shrugged and glanced over his shoulder, “I think I studied good enough to at least pass. Passing is what I’m focusing on. I don’t care about getting A’s anymore.”

“C’s get degrees!” you exclaim jokingly and he chuckles, which makes you smile wider, “I think you’ll kill it.”

He nods, “Thanks, Y/N. You’ll do great too. You always do.”

____________________ 

As soon as you walked out of class post-midterm, you checked your phone to see several tests from Bucky.

Bucket Barnes: finished my test. think i did okay.

Bucket Barnes: you done yet?

Bucket Barnes: lets go celebrate the fact that we survived midterms!

Bucket Barnes: answer meeeeeeee!!!

You giggled as you typed back a response:

You: just got out. 

You: wanna drop off my stuff at the apartment and then we can go eat or something.

Bucket Barnes: meet ya there! :D

You rolled your eyes and pocketed your phone. Your apartment was just a bus ride away, so you headed towards the bus stop to take you back home. 

When you walked back into your apartment, you found Bucky and Sam currently wrestling on the couch. They paused when they saw you standing there looking amused. They then pushed each other off, rambling on:

“I was trying to watch tv-”

“He just took the remote and changed the channel-”

“-I was watching a nature documentary while waiting for you-”

“-and the show was boring as Hell so I-”

“Enough!” you yelled with a smirk on your face. They stopped and shut their mouths. You chuckled and shook your head, “For adults, you’re such children.” you then went over to your room, tossing your things onto your bed before grabbing your purse, putting your keys, wallet, and phone inside. 

You came back out to see Bucky glaring at Sam, “Buck, ready to go?”

His eyes softened as he turned to you, “Yup!” he pushed Sam one last time before following you to the door.

“You kids be safe!” Sam yelled as Bucky closed the door behind him. 

You hooked your arm around Bucky’s, leaning into his shoulder, “You guys are such dorks, you know that?”

He shrugged, “He started it.” he glanced at your head, a fluttering feeling going through his stomach that’s then placed with regret. He should’ve told you how he felt before instead of waiting it out. 

___________________

You sat across from Bucky slurping up your oreo milkshake, an amused smile on his face as he munched on his fries. 

“Happy?” he asked.

You nodded and let out a satisfied sigh, “Aaaah. Very. Nothing makes me happier than an oreo milkshake, and you, of course.” If he only knew how deeper those words meant to you.

“You make me happy too, Y/N.” he glanced behind you and his smile fell. 

Immediately recognizing the change, you asked, “What?” you glanced back to see Bucky’s ex, Dot. 

She was a toxic person. She and Bucky started dating at the beginning of Freshman year of college. She was always bragging about how smart, strong, nd handsome he was. The thing about having a significant other is that you go out and eat a lot. That along with Freshman Fifteen, well...Dot didn’t like the weight he was gaining. 

She made him feel insecure. Ugly. Not good enough. Eventually, she became ashamed of him and broke up with him. What she put him through had lasting effects, thus why Bucky felt like he could never tell you how he felt now. He wasn’t good enough for you.

“Oh God,” Bucky mumbled into his milkshake as Dot came walking by. 

She stopped at your table with the fakest smile on her face, “Oh hi, Y/N!” she turned to Bucky and snorted, “Hey, Pudgy.”

“Leave him alone, Dolores,” you sneered.

Her head snapped back to you, “It’s Dot.”

"Whatever, Period. Go bother someone else. Bucky and I were having a good time until you showed up.”

Dot scowled and leaned over to be face to face with Bucky, “Just remember, Chubby, no matter what you do, she would never go for a guy that looked like you.” she straightened up and continued to walk down to the diner, her little clique following her. 

Bucky’s shoulders deflated and your heart broke for Bucky, “Do you wanna get outta here?”

Not looking up, Bucky nodded, “Please.”

You then went over to the counter to pay and pulled Bucky along. Your arm looped around with his, “Do you wanna stop by the store and get some comfort food?”

Bucky shook his head, “No. Dot’s right. This,” he pokes at his stomach, “isn’t doing me any good.”

“She’s wrong. Bucky, any girl would be lucky to have you. Dot’s just a bitch.”

“The girl of my dreams doesn’t even want me. So who’s to say that anyone would want me?” he murmured, eyes on the pavement as you continued to walk.

You then stopped, tugging him to halt, “I’m sure whoever this girl is, she’s kind and understanding enough to know that it isn’t what’s on the outside that counts. Who’s the girl?”

“You,” he mumbled, eyes still on the pavement, hands in his pockets. 

“Bucky...” you moved closer to him, placing your finger under his chin to get him to look at you, “Hey, you like me?”

You can see the fear in his eyes as he whispered, “I love you, Y/N.”

You grinned at him, “I love you too.”

“Really? Even with-” his hands waved around his stomach and it made you giggle.

“Especially because of that.” you rest your hands onto his shoulders, “You’ve always been my Bucky bear. Now you’re soft and cuddly as a bear too. I’m sorry Dot made you feel like you’re not attractive or worthy enough. But she is so wrong. I’ve loved you, Bucky, since we were in high school. I’ve loved you then and I love you now. Nothing can change that.”

“God, how did I get so lucky?” his hands went to your waist, holding you close.

“I think I’m the lucky one.” you leaned in, pressing a kiss onto his nose and you stepped back, “I think I’ll save the kiss for after our first date, yeah?”

You held out your hand to him and he took it, “I waited for so long to tell you how I felt, to hear you say you felt the same...I guess I can wait a little longer to kiss you.”

You grinned at him, “All good things come to those who wait.”

[augustmoon259]

For I shall already have forgotten you CHAPTER 2: AN END AND A BEGINNING

When Madeline was seventeen, her life began to go downhill.

Her father was a former smoker. He smoked often before meeting her mother. After meeting Madeline’s mother, and subsequently falling in love with her, he vowed not to smoke again.

He didn’t keep his promise.

Following the death of Madeline’s mother, her father picked up smoking again, but it was far worse. He drowned his sorrows in a bottle of alcohol and a pack of cigarettes daily. It took much effort from concerned friends to make him see the error of his ways. More than that, it was the guilt. The guilt that his daughter would grow up without a father. With the loss of his wife, and no other immediate family, he was the only one who could take care of his child.

So Madeline’s father quit smoking, for good this time. Unfortunately, no matter how much you try to outrun your past, sometimes it catches up to you.

Madeline’s father began experiencing a persistent cough that worsened as time passed. Sometimes he would have trouble breathing; other times he would cough up blood. After these continued bouts of coughing and chest pain, Madeline’s father scheduled an appointment with his doctor. The diagnosis confirmed the worst case scenario.

It was lung cancer. Specifically, small cell lung cancer. The x-ray scans revealed that the cancer was now in its extensive stage, meaning that the tumor had grown and the cancer had spread to other parts of the body. Treatment was possible, but Madeline’s father had a low chance of survival.

When her father broke the news to her, Madeline was devastated. Her kind and dependable father, the one who was always there for her, had cancer? Not just any cancer, but lung cancer, the deadliest of all.

Madeline’s father wanted his daughter to focus on her last year of secondary school. So she did, albeit with great reluctance. Madeline juggled school and sports while monitoring her father’s health. Her father would be in and out of the hospital frequently for his chemotherapy treatment.

Madeline tasked her magical friends with observing and taking care of her father while he was in the hospital, and she could not be there for him. Inkblot flew to and from the hospital, updating Madeline about her father’s current condition. Susan stayed with her father and made sure that he was sleeping or eating well.

Madeline was grateful for the presence of her friends during these troubled times. Ever since the first night she met him, Woodstock kept a constant vigil beside her while she slept. He made her feel less lonely on the nights when her father was at the hospital. Oggy was wrapped around her neck, as always, while she was at school. Sneak reminded Madeline to take care of herself and to not be overwhelmed by her emotions. She meditated and joined a support group for family members of cancer patients.

Months passed. It seemed that Madeline’s father was doing better after chemotherapy. His symptoms were less severe and he was discharged from the hospital.

The best gift Madeline could ask for was having her father at home with her on Christmas day. That was all she needed. Instead, Madeline’s father surprised her with a polar bear cub.

Not an actual polar bear cub. A stuffed one. It fit in her arms perfectly, with the softest fur and black marble eyes.

Madeline felt that something was still missing though. She wasn’t sure what until she saw her reflection. Madeline usually kept her hair tied into two pigtails, with a maple leaf clip on each side of her head.

The thing that was missing was an accessory for her new polar bear cub. With this realization, Madeline went to her room to search in her drawers. She found the object she was looking for: a pink flower-shaped hairpin. Madeline attached the pin next to the stuffed bear’s right ear.

There! A flower fit for a princess. Now you look the part, but what will your name be?

Madeline thought for a while.

Princess. Are there any names that mean princess? Hime? Miki? No...It’ll have to be-

“Kumarie!”

The name felt right for Madeline. She felt strangely nostalgic, as if the name (or something similar to it) felt familiar.

Madeline was grateful for her father’s gift. He knew that she had a love of animals, particularly birds, polar bears, and turtles.

The remainder of Madeline’s Christmas break progressed peacefully. She would remember those pleasant days, the calm before the storm.

The new year brought the cancer back with a vengeance. The same symptoms, along with a host of others.

To Madeline’s distress, chemotherapy had failed her father. Madeline’s father chose to undergo other forms of treatment, and when those didn’t work, he participated in clinical trials.

So the cycle repeated itself again. Winter turned to spring. February turned into March, which turned into April.

Madeline found herself alone more often at home. She found herself clinging to Kumarie as she fell asleep.

Eventually, treatment was no longer an option. Madeline knew that since her father was in the later stages of his cancer, he had little to no chance of surviving, but to hear her worst fears confirmed was heartbreaking. After Christmas, she had thought that things would get better.

Madeline could do nothing as her father deteriorated. All she could do was make sure her father’s last months were spent with no pain. Madeline made sure her father took his medication. She worked with medical and healthcare professionals to provide her father with the best hospice care. Madeline watched as her father began to lose interest in things that he used to enjoy: gardening, watching documentaries, bird watching. He slept more often and for longer periods each time. He had difficulty eating and drinking.

Her graduation came and went. Madeline was envious of her classmates whose family came to support them. She was alone once the ceremony ended.

In the last week of June, Madeline’s father became confused and delirious. When he looked at her, she could see in his eyes that he didn’t know who she was. The ache in her heart remained until the first day of July.

When Madeline was eighteen, her father died.

The two weeks following her father’s death were hectic. It felt like she was in a bubble, her mind elsewhere as her body focused on doing what was needed. Madeline contacted her father’s friends and told them about his death. She made arrangements for a funeral and proper burial. Madeline took care of the will, met with an attorney, and made a list of bills that needed to be paid.

As soon as all of this was done, the bubble popped. Reality set in for Madeline. Her father was gone. She would never hear his laughter again, or eat his cooking. No more hikes, or campfire stories, or stargazing. Gone was that consistent presence throughout her life, he who had always reassured her.

Madeline was lost. She was unsure what to do with herself, where to go from here. So she fell back into old habits. Madeline shopped, she did the laundry, she cleaned the house. Everything she did only served to remind her of her father’s passing: the foods he liked to eat, his clothes that were strewn about, antiques and other collectibles her father acquired during his life.

The garden was beginning to grow weeds. Madeline had taken care of it when her father was unable to. Now, she could not bring herself to do the same.

She distracted herself by watching movies, TV shows, anime, and Korean dramas. The thought of going outside and seeing happy people made her queasy. Why should the world not mourn with her? It was unfair.

Inkblot, Sneak, Susan, Oggy, and Woodstock. All of them were worried about Madeline. They wanted her to go out, talk with a therapist, and process her emotions. They knew that the way she was handling herself now did no one good, least of all her. Madeline rejected them. She said she was fine. She could handle it. They were overexaggerating.

Madeline continued like this for another month. It was August. By now, the weeds had completely overtaken the garden. Madeline felt guilty. Day by day she had watched as the weeds grew inch by inch. If her poor father could see his garden, he would be disappointed in her. After her father died, Madeline had also neglected to clean his room. The room might be dusty, but it was the memories it held that threatened to overtake her.

Madeline was cleaning the house as per usual, when she came to the door of her father’s bedroom. Madeline hesitated before opening it. The curtains were open, letting the sunlight spill in. She was correct in assuming the room would be dusty. Madeline vacuumed the floor, packed her father’s old clothes into boxes, and dusted everything else.

As she looked underneath her father’s bed, she found a chest. The chest was locked. Madeline searched her father’s desk drawers for a key. When she found it, she opened the chest. Inside of the chest was an old journal. It’s brown leather cover displayed signs of wear and tear.

Madeline opened the journal. Its pages were completely filled out. She flipped to the last page. The date of the last entry was the day of her seventeenth birthday, before things started to go wrong. Her eyes scanned the final journal entry:

MY DEAR MADELINE,

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THEN I HAVE GONE.

I WISH I COULD HAVE STAYED WITH YOU LONGER.

BUT IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE.

SO LIVE ON.

LIVE TO SEE THE JOYS THAT LIFE CAN BRING.

FOR SORROW DOES NOT LAST FOREVER.

Tears fell from Madeline’s eyes. The salty liquid stained the pages of the journal. Madeline hugged the journal close to her chest before her legs gave way beneath her. She sat on the floor in a crouched position, the journal lying discarded as her hands made her way to her face to wipe her tears.

The guilt came back full force. What was she doing spending her life like this when there was so much more out there for her to explore? In the wake of her father’s death, Madeline’s career as a photographer had been temporarily put on halt. She still earned money from her online store, photo prints, etc., but she had not been posting on her blog or social media.

It was in that moment that Madeline hardened her resolve to live her life the way she wanted to. She would travel the world and meet new people, just as she always dreamed of.

The pain would linger, for it never truly goes away, but it was no longer the only feeling in her heart. Madeline’s newfound determination fueled her.

The rest of the day was spent taming her father’s garden. Madeline did what she could to tame it for the day, but the weed killer would do the rest.

That night, Madeline rested in her bed, with Kumarie in her arms. Woodstock and Inkblot was perched on the headboard of her bed. Sneak and Oggy were hiding underneath the bed, while Susan was lying on the floor in a spare sleeping bag. The atmosphere was quiet and serene.

Madeline dozed off with a smile on her face.

Eyes fluttering open, Madeline yawned as her eyes blinked blearily. Her mind adjusted itself to the sight of her room and she saw all her friends wide awake and by her bedside. They were staring at her, or rather what she still held in her hold. Madeline shot them a questioning look until she felt the object of their focus move.

A startled gasp left her mouth as Madeline laid her eyes on a living, breathing polar bear cub. What?! What is this?! Kumarie is a stuffed toy! One that’s not supposed to be moving!

“Kumarie?!”

The bear gazed at Madeline.

“Who?”

“Kumarie, that’s your name, isn’t it?”

The redubbed Kumarie peered at Madeline before squinting down at its paws. After a pause, it concluded, “Yeah! My name is Kumarie.”

In the back of her mind, Madeline noted that Kumarie had a cute, high pitched voice.

There was nothing left to do but to take this new development in stride.

“Kumarie, do you like pancakes?”

“Yes!”

“Kumari” means “princess” in Indian, although it also means “cloudy” in Japanese. 

For anyone who is a family member, friend, or themself going through a tough time due to cancer, my condolences. If you have lost a loved one due to cancer, my heart goes out to you. I tried researching and making the symptoms and stages of lung cancer accurate. Everyone has a different way of mourning or grieving, so I hope Madeline’s behavior does not come across as odd.

[toomanysurveys9]

1. describe yourself. hm. quiet. mom. reader. anxious.

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be? probably italy.

3. do you have siblings? yeah. i have four younger sisters and a younger brother.

4. what is your favorite constellation, why? i don’t really have a favorite. i’ve never really looked into them all that much.

5. favorite color. black. blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to? mostly country. but i listen to various other kinds of music too.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome) probably lilacs. but i’ll never say no to roses either.

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn? hm. i think it’d be cool to learn some kind of travel spell, like teleportation or something.

9. favorite childhood memory. florida vacations, for sure.

10. have you ever been cheated on? yeah. i have been. by jacob.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be? something clean. with at least a queen size bed, pretty bedding. colorful. maybe some kind of artwork on the wall.

12. favorite animal. dogs, foxes, and owls.

13. what was the last photo you took of? probably one of my kiddos.

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i don’t really know, to be honest. i want to..

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

we usually just end up at taco bell, and i get a cheesy gordita crunch. my favorite place is papa vino’s though, and i’ve only been there twice. i got the same thing both times.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

not really.

18. guilty pressures?

iced coffee. all the iced coffee. lol. and cupcakes.

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

probably unicorns right now. because everyone got eliana unicorn stuffed animals and clothes. and wyatt loves unicorns and they make him so happy. he calls them “corns”. he thinks horses are unicorns and he gets so excited every time he sees them.

20. something most people don’t know about you.

most people don’t know how much i really struggle with my depression.

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

around here. it was pretty boring. but i’ve always been surrounded by love which is never a bad thing.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

i’m not sure about aliens, exactly, but i think it’d be crazy to think we’re the only living things in all the universe.

23. what was your last google search?

maybe the hours for urgent care.

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

it was middle school. it wasn’t all that serious. after that, i got with jacob, and we’ve been together ever since.

25. would you relocate for love?

probably.

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

kind of a mix of both.

27. favorite book.

oh man. the mortal instrument series still. but i have so many others too.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert for sure.

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i’ve tried in the past, but i suck at keeping up with it. and i don’t now. this is as close to a journal as it gets.

30. top 5 favorite movies.

hack saw ridge, rocky horror picture show, big hero 6, deadpool, and i’m not sure about a fifth one.

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

not really.

32. what is your greatest fear?

failing as a mother.

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

i’m not sure anymore. i really liked the reggae red wine i tried at jon and jade’s recently.

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

gave birth. lol. it’s messy business..

35. do you believe in ghosts?

i do not.

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

worst - my depression. best - i love with everything i have.

37. should you split the dinner bill?

depends on the situation. like, jacob and i don’t. but when we go out with my family, we do. and even for dates if we didn’t share a bank account, it just would depend.

38. are you a good liar?

i don’t think so.

39. what keeps you up at night?

i don’t really know. thinking too much probably.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

probably music. it matters to me less these days.

41. do you believe in god?

i do not.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

i don’t really get that chance. i have littles to tend to.

43. what’s something that offends you?

abusive people. victim blaming.

44. favorite food

pastas. all the pasta. lol.

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

my babies.

46. when do you feel the most confident?

when i’m pregnant. lol.

47. what do you do on your free time?

hang out with my littles.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

not that i can think of.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

it’s possible.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

nope.

51. when are you happiest?

with my babies.

52. coffee or tea?

iced coffee. yum!

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

i can’t think of a possession that means that much to me.

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

eyes.

55. what is your favorite season, why?

spring. it’s so pretty.

56. what makes you laugh?

my kiddos. especially wyatt. he is so funny sometimes.

57. are you a clean or messy person?

i try to be clean. but it’s hard with jacob.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

loyalty. communication. understanding.

59. what was your upcoming like?

fine.

60. favorite holiday?

i love christmas and halloween.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

pay off debts!!!

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

ham and bacon. sometimes i add pineapple.

63. favorite outdoor activity.

swimming.

64. how are you? honestly.

i’m okay. a little stressed out.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

probably a beach resort if we’re honest.

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

flowers for sure.

67. favorite type of candy?

reese cups.

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

probably something with “mom” or “hufflepuff” in the title. i don’t know. ha.

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i don’t use any on a regular basis.

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

powerpuff girls.

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

i don’t remember.

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i don’t know. i’ve watched some on serial killers which can be interesting.

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i cut it too short.

74. what do you like to cook?

muffins. pasta.

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

alligator.

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

impractical jokers is definitely up there.

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

head.

78. what is your favorite quote?

i don’t know.

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

i don’t think i’ve ever had a weird crush.

80. what’s your love language?

probably acts of service or quality time. neither of which jacob is all that good at. his is physical touch, for sure.

81. do you ever feel alone?

all the time these days. if it weren’t for my littles, i probably wouldn’t be here.

82. ever been bullied?

yeah.

83. are you usually early or late?

if it’s up to me, early.

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

i don’t know. i like pretty paintings.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

couponing.

[dahmer]

no longer my call

michael just broke up with me. outside, by his car, parked in the red outside our apartment building gate. as I helped him load up bags into his trunk. two of which I packed for him the night before. full of thoughtfully selected clothes, socks, underwear, chargers, books, mail, bathroom stuff, and a journal. the journal is one of those “each page has a prompt question” type pre-made journals. a friend, King, gifted it to me years ago as a birthday gift. most of the questions are about “your partner” and relationship type stuff, sprinkled with some “today made my smile because” sentimental wash. the questions are sort of unfair right now, but many would do him good, in my calculations, since he isn’t talking to anyone or handing out time apart in a healthy way. his words. the journal never seemed needed, but upon digging through my many gifted empty-notepads, journals, and writing mediums, I found that this one has found its place for good use. I filled out the first six or seven entries, outlying “my favorite memories with my partner” and “nice things I’ve done for my partner recently/nice things my partner has done for me recently.” 

for my “nice things I’ve done...” I crossed out “nice” and exchanged “for” with “to,” so I could highlight and overview all the pain and damage I’ve caused our relationship since he found out I was struggling with addiction. He discovered my opiate paraphernalia gear that I began barely trying to hide. It was in my clothes basket in the bathroom, and I knew he noticed I oddly had it pulled out randomly for no reason while entering/leaving the bathroom between showers. it’s like I wanted to get caught. I was near or already felt several rock bottoms, at least in the stages I’m at, and couldn’t stand another day of my addiction. It had been that way for months. a year. since the start. but I couldn’t bring myself to telling him. the shame, the guilt, and the paralyzing fear that I’d lose him. that he’d just walk away without looking back.

sure enough. my biggest fears came to pass. there’s no one to blame but myself. this is all from my own toxic behavior and selfish decisions. he left to his parents house immediately after discovering me using. he waited until I left the methadone clinic to start detox, then took off. that weekend was the hardest. being alone at home, left without the man I love. who has given my support, who has fallen asleep in my arms for almost six years, who has been there for me everyday. but to him, it was all a lie this last year. and as I progress through recovery, I understand that more and more. his perspective and position, his pain and hurt, his distrust and disgust, it’s understandable. he grew up in a clean, upper class, wealthy, one percent little south orange county town, and he’s never had to face any real world struggles. showing support in our relationship always reflected what he inherited from his father: how can I give money to make this all go away. he seemed most upset about my addiction in terms of money. the money i would have had. the money that i took when i needed help with big expenses. the money that’s preventing him from buying a house and progressing in society, moving up the social ladder. i understand all that because i understand who i was dating. always.

and i love him. he’s the love of my life. at least that’s how i feel right now. the last 10 years he’s gone radio silent. before that, we only met up once after he left to his parents house. we went to dinner. where he asked a few questions, and i cried nearly the whole time, answering in total and complete honesty. that level of vulnerability is incredibly difficult. sometimes i resented how he took it for granted. as if it were easy for me, yet something he could never even do himself. that’s what came up. my response to him breaking up with me.

i, firstly, brought on myself. he came by to pick up some things, and grab the bags I packed for him that I planned on dropping off the night before. but once he got wind of me bringing it over and having them brought up through his twin brother’s boyfriend (my appearance and involvement non-existent--simply a gesture), he texted me while on my way last night to say he planned on coming over today to grab stuff anyways, so I don’t have to come by. so it’s “easier on me.” My gesture was about care and concern, not convenience. when I saw he was close to the house today, I packed up my work--grading papers--and went to the coffee shop that’s basically connected to our fancy apartment complex. it’s directly across the small street we live on. “The Walk” it’s called, a strip of shops for our big complex, with the coffee shop being the main staple. you can see it from where we exit our gate from our side of the building. I figured this gives him space in the apartment, but if he needed to chat or check in, I’m right here.

i was frankly delighted when he texted me moments after being in the apartment:

‘Hey I’m at the apartment. What are you up to?

I told him I was at the coffee shop. A short, direct response, but I implied the night before I might go there when he came by if he needed space. He said he didn’t, but I was trying to be diplomatic knowing him and the response of “doesn’t matter if you’re around or not.” He responds with a shorter “For sure.” i wait a few minutes and inform him i’ll swing back to the apartment if he wanted to talk or anything, or he’s welcome to join me at the coffee shop--I’m “at a two seater table.” iMessage never shows he read the text, so I assumed he was busy gathering his belongings. about 10 minutes later and michael appears, asking if he can take the empty seat. no hug or formal greeting, and i almost laugh at the question. “of course.” his eyes glance me over and i detect immediate disappointment. i even point it out quickly, but he dismisses it. i can be a little confrontation. aggressive. but its been 10 days since he’s spoken to me, and before that, little texts that he ended quickly with no intent to maintain dialogue. there were many words exchanged at the dinner date during our last meet--the only one between today and when he left at the start of my detox--but what kept ringing in my ear after that dinner, despite all the kind and ambiguous words were: “I’m still trying to decide if I want to be in a relationship with you.” I know that trust is hard to rebuild, and only able if both parties are committed. i was aware of his doubts, keen to his hesitations of commitments to serious, non-monetary issues, and drowned in the radio silence as of late.

we exchanged basic questions at the coffee shop. his answers were often positive, but felt a little forced. and his face keep drawing this down glare--giving off impressions of disappointment and disinterest. i knew seeing me again would not be all that he wanted. i hadn’t made significant progress at the gym yet, i could be eating healthier, i’m under stress from work, and i’ve been depressed on and off about our situation. on the bright side, i’ve been working hard at recovery. and trying to think about what this is like for him, and be understanding to that. i’ve had to take low dose benzos to fall asleep each night, and regretted that last night because it makes my eyes droopy, and michael always said the one thing he can tell that i’m on by still looking at me was xanax. even though it was the nice before in lose dose as instructed in treatment, i’ll always wonder if maybe that played a factor. the half-life the next day, still dampening my appearance. an appearance already i didn’t feel confident of next to him, with hopes and expectations of this just going all away--as stated during our previous dinner meeting 2 weeks prior.

we asked adult questions. about work. my classes. his family. my family. my recovery, but he jabbed a little mock at me wanting to call it that. he asked if i was still “on methadone,” i tried to explain that this was a treatment option that yielded the highest success rate for some, and i’ve already experimented and failed with others. but i don’t think he likes the idea. understandably. as much as i hoped my sister-in-law, who was coaching him over the phone before he even confronted me, after finding my gear, had explained the positives of methadone. but i know they’re not fond of medication assisted programs, and even though i hoped it would inspire him to research more, which i know his has, i don’t think he’s stumbled upon the vast outdated and bias, outworld thinking of this epidemic. i wish i could show him this HBO documentary I just watched. there was a post short film that discussed recovery options. i quote some stats, about 75% of medication assisted treatments prevent relapse, compared to the 90% fail rate of most other treatment options. a 10% success rate means i’m being smart about how i go about it. but not sure if that translated well.

our conversation was brief. he ended up after about 10 minutes, checking his iWatch several times. the universal gesture of wanting to leave. i offered, but he dismissed that was the case initially. but then said he’d “let me get back to work.” before he left, i mentioned how i wanted to see this film, beautiful boy, on a date. a ‘by myself’ date, but implicated i would enjoy company. the subject matter was relevant to what i’m going through, and one of the rare early screenings happens to be in Irvine not too far from where he lives--opening this Friday. i dangled it out there to gauge interest. he didn’t bite. just noted how “yeah, I think I saw the trailer to that.”  

[more later]

[bitchesgonnabemad]

daddys girl pt.11

Part 11.

I’m sorry for the lack of updates and posts. I’m going through some personal problems right now. This chapter is shorter then I’m usually posting but I hope you’ll enjoy it. All feedback is welcomed :)

Tags: @wrestlewriting @shadow-of-wonder @running-ropes @vebner37 @wwesavedme @ queenreignsempire ❤

masterlist

After mine and Tama’s reunion a couple days ago, things went back to the way they used to be. We would cook and eat together. We went to the gym together once but his workout sessions were way too intense for me so I passed going with him again.

 The thing we did the most was just Netflix and chill which usually would end with us having sex.

 But there was one thing we hadn’t done; go out in public as a couple. I don’t know why, but after having Tama glued to my side almost 24/7 I figured he wanted to have me only to himself and I couldn’t be mad at that.

 I still hadn’t told him about my father agreeing to meet him. I knew I had to tell him soon though because both my brother and father wanted to visit me in Japan.

I needed to prepare Tama for the talk with my father and I only knew one person who also was on the war path with him. And that was the hard part. That person was Malik, my brother’s best friend, and my ex.

 I was in a relationship with Malik for 4 years and we broke up about a year and a half ago. We couldn’t maintain the long-distance relationship and called it off in a very peaceful way. But I think we both knew that our relationship wouldn’t be the same anymore. When I was coming back to visit my brother in the US, Malik and I had some meaningless sex but that was it.

Tama knew about my past with Malik. After we got together, he would tell me now and then that he saw us when Malik visited me in Japan and he hated it. At one point he told me to not contact Malik and I respected his wishes, cutting our communication to the minimum.

I knew I needed to play it right to not upset Tama but also get my point across. I only wanted him to accept help and that was it.

Tama and I were both in the living room.He was focused on some documentary about who knew what. He was sat on the floor with his back pressed against the couch. His frame was between my legs as I sat on the couch, running my hands through his loose hair.

“Y/N I can’t focus on the TV,” he said, but his actions spoke differently as he leaned more into me.

“So you want me to stop then?” I asked already knowing the answer but took my hands anyway.

“I didn’t tell you to stop. I said you’re distracting,” he said and I started to do it again.

I got him all relaxed, right now is my chance to tell him.

“Babe,” I said and his only response was a quiet “hmm?”.

“When I was back home-“

“You’re at home now,” he interrupted.

I rolled my eyes at his overdramatic ass and began again. “When I was back in San Diego, I talked with my family about us.” He immediately turned to look at me. “I talked with James and he wants to talk to you.”

“Good. What about your father?”

“Well, he wants to meet you too. But, I didn’t talk him into it, James did.”

Tama looked away from me and after couple seconds said, “ I knew your brother would come along.”

“You’ve been good friends,” I smiled a little bit. “But little heads up, he still hates you. Both of them told me they are doing it for me, not you.”

“I know,” he said and I heard a little bit of annoyance in his voice as he stood up from the ground. “I just hope none of them will come to that talk with any bullshit.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I don’t want to hit your father.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” I said.

“Of course I wouldn’t, I’m just playin.” He laughed and sat down next to me on the couch putting his arm around me and kissing the side of my face.

The easy part is done, there goes the drama.

“I want you to hear some advice about how to deal with my father.”

“Talk then, I’m all ears.” He looked from the screen to me.

“The point is that person is not me. Umm… Malik,” I mumbled.

I felt his whole body tense up, his arm went away from around me. “Are you out of your damn mind?!” His voice raised.

I knew I couldn’t turn it into an argument, I promised him I would work on my attitude. If this situation happened a week ago, I would have screamed at him as loud as he was screaming at me right now. But I knew he would get mad so I didn’t get upset as much as I would have earlier.

“Why would I talk to your ex about anything?” His voice was a little bit calmer. “The only thing I want to do to him is punch him in his fucking face.”

“OK I get it, you won’t talk to him.” I raised my hands in the air. “Now, please calm down, I won’t bring that idea up anymore.”

“Good.” He opened his arms welcoming me into his embrace.

I laid my head on his chest and he wrapped me in his arms. It seemed like old times when we would disagree about something but it didn’t turn it into a huge deal. I knew bringing Malik into our conversation would make Tama as mad as he got, but I had to try it. Now I knew it wouldn’t help so I had to search for something else.

“I’m sorry baby,” he said kissing me on top of my head “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“I know,” I said and closed my eyes, relaxing.

“I’m going to find my own way to win your dad over.” He squeezed me harder and went back to watching TV as I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I was asleep for about 2 hours but Tama shifting all the time woke me up. When I got up I went to our bedroom. My plan was to go to sleep but I decided to call Malik and tell him about my talk with Tama.

 After trying to reach Malik by phone for 30 minutes, he finally answered.

“Hi princess took you long enough to answer,” I said, a little bit irritated at how long it took for him to pick up.

“Sorry, but the time-“

“Don’t blame it on time zones,” I cut him off. “You’re probably just shitface drunk or high so you had to sober up before you answered,” I said knowing that that was already true. “I’ve known you long enough and I know how you act Malik.”

“Ok mom, I’m admitting to all my mistakes,” he said, his voice annoyed but playful at the same time. “So what’s going on? I know you’re not calling to just lecture me about my drinking.”

“He didn’t agree to talk to you.”

“Do I have to act like I’m surprised? I told you that your bad boy boyfriend wouldn’t agree.” I rolled my eyes. “So when I should book my flight?”

“Book your flight?!” I raised my voice in surprise. “Why would you book a flight? I told you he won’t-“ At this point, Tama walked into the room, probably alerted because of my raised voice.

“He’s scared he will get his ass whooped,” Malik said making me chuckle.

“I don’t know maybe he is.” I looked at Tama as he approached the bed and gave me a questionable look. After a second I could see the jealousy in his eyes as he figured who I was talking too.

“But on a serious note, if he wants to impress your father after all the stupid bullshit he’s done, he needs some advice and I mean who’s better with your crazy ass daddy than me?” His cockiness in his voice made me laugh.

“Yeah, you’re also pretty fucking stupid.” After I said that Tama kneeled on the edge of the bed and pulled me by my ankles towards him, making me lay flat on my back.

I put my hand on the speaker of my phone making sure Malik wouldn’t hear anything before I said, “Whatever you’re planning on doing, stop it.”

Tama only smirked and got on top of me starting to kiss on my neck. I tried to push him off with my free hand but failed miserably, only making him more relentless with his actions.

I wasn’t paying any attention to my conversation with Malik. “Right?” I heard him say over the phone.

“Mmmhmm… yeah.” I didn’t know if I said it to Malik or to feeling Tama going lower with his kisses.

I tangled my free hand into his hair making him stop and look at me, where I was shaking my head no.

That was it. Tama snatched my phone from my hand, ending the phone call, and threw it somewhere in the room.

“Tama!” I screamed at him. “What the fuck?!” I was more upset by the possibility of him breaking my phone than ending my phone call.

“I do what I want.” His look was dead serious and his voice possessive.

“Ohh really?” I said chuckling.

“What’s so funny?” He was still hovering over me, and it took me by surprise when he grabbed my face in one of his hands, putting a little pressure on it, making me look him straight into his eyes.

I knew that jealous and possessive Tama was in his full on daddy mode.

“You know I don’t like when you chuckle at other men’s jokes, especially your ex.” He looked straight into my eyes loosening his hand on my face.

“I know and that’s why I did it.”

“You like playing games Y/N,” he said pinning my hands above my head.

“Tama you promised me we would go out tonight.”

“Fuck that, my plans changed.”

[ecotone99]

[SP] Digging Sharp Fingernails into the Soft of a Hand

He was slightly moving the change in his pocket while half listening to the girl in front of him. He couldn’t quite see her face, it was dark now and they were far from the fire. He couldn’t recall how this interaction began either, just that he was here now listening to her words. He knew her, she was friends of an ex-girlfriend of his. He didn’t know this girl’s name but remembered it rhymed with a car company. She was talking about a brother of hers and him learning to drive. The movements of his fingers were slow and precise, he didn’t want to move too quickly and have her notice his obvious signs of boredom. The girl in front of him shivered and so he seized the moment to try and leave the conversation.

“Cold?” He wrapped his arms around his torso to answer his question for her. “I guess Summer is ending ealy.” He put an emphasis on his words to make them sound as though they were said with a smile. She did not respond directly to what he said. Instead she began talking about a class she took about temperature and climate and - “We should probably get closer to the fire.” He spoke quickly to not fully cut her off. He started walking towards the group surrounding the fire and she followed; she also continued talking. She stopped talking once they broke the seal and fully entered the circle of people and thus entered into their conversation. They were talking about ghosts and someone looked at him and asked him if he believed in ghosts.

He had been haunted once before. When he was younger and still in elementary school, early winter. He remembered playing out in the snow that whole day. The snow was so special to him, its rarity sparked his attention. A blanket of snow, untouched, un-fussed with, just flat white. Just nothing. Just snow. It was a weekend day but he still put a spoon under his pillow the night before. It was something a girl in his class had told them all to do earlier in the week. Put a spoon under your pillow at night to make it snow so we won’t have to come to school. It didn't work that whole week, but it finally did for him when school closures didn’t matter much. Most kids would have saved their nighttime spoon magic for a more opportune time, but he just wanted snow.

He was passive at this age, not really caring about himself enough to care about anyone else. He would sometimes cry in private. When putting things away for recess he would volunteer to put the balls in the closet at the end of the hall, he could get a few moments alone this way. He would shed a few tears, allowing his body to tremble. And then he would wipe away those tears and sit by himself. He had awful handwriting and one day while learning how to write the letter z in cursive he broke down in class. He could not get away to somewhere undisturbed to let himself cry and he began doing it in his seat. He was frustrated and that is what brought about the tears but he felt nothing else. He could sense the ears of his peers and of his teacher eventually though as he sat there pitifully in his seat. Pencil shaking in his hand against the paper, a scratching sensation. Someone put their hand on his back and at that moment he felt embarrassed, but he stopped crying. He was embarrassed but calm at least. His head did not move, he just kept his eyes on his failed attempts at the curves of a z. He could never be certain who it was that put their hand on his back, so many of his peers had moved closer to get a better look at the crying boy. He had a feeling about who it was, Spoon Girl looked at him differently after that. She smiled at him in odd ways during math. She threw tiny cookies shaped like bears at him during snack time. He occasionally would throw a fish-shaped cheese cracker back at her and they would laugh. During writing practice she once took his sheet out from under his arms and filled in all the cursive capital fs and then slyly slid it back to where it was before her intervention. When it got cold he gave her one of his gloves before the class went outside. It is a funny image, a young boy giving a young girl a singular glove while he keeps one on. It shows an odd awareness of a desire to be kind, but not in a realistic way. It is the thought that counts, but a cold hand is a cold hand. Perhaps it was because of this blossoming friendship that she told him first about her spoon magic. She pulled him close and whispered it to him, pushing cold air into his ear with her words. She spent the rest of that day telling others in the class to do the same, as though they had all been planning some elaborate prank that the teacher could not find out about. He watched her all day as she did it, knowing that he was first. He felt very special. That feeling faded with each morning he woke up and saw grass. No one else at school seemed to notice the collective failure besides him and Spoon Girl. He wanted it to snow in part for his selfish love for the snow, and in part for her.

There was a hill and a pond in front of his house. Not a real pond but one of those man-made ones to help people who live in boxes in a row of boxes feel closer to nature. The hill wasn’t very impressive either, to call it a hill even is rather generous; it looked so much bigger the morning it snowed, the thin layer of the stuff created an illusion to make it look larger than life. He marched over to the top of that hill early in the morning and played for hours. He pretended to be on some grand adventure then lose his footing and begin sliding towards the ice-covered water. With his quick wit he would take his stick and put it in just the right spot to pull himself to safety. Only to lose his footing again and so the play session went.

That night his parents went to a neighbors house for a dinner party. He had been looking forward to this night almost as much as he had been looking forward to the snow. For the past week a documentary on African tribes had been airing on TV. He didn't care about Africa or its tribes but he had tuned in every night. The tribes included women who did not cover their breasts. He found this while flipping through the channels alone in the living room and he was glued for a moment but felt shame, as though he shouldn’t be seeing what he was. The next night he turned to that channel. This time he stood at the entryway with the remote in hand, ready to switch the channel should anyone arrive. The shame receded as the likelihood of being caught was minimized. He was mesmerized by how he felt watching these women walk around and perform normal tasks. It was new to him, the female form.

When his parents left he began his accent up the stairs to the TV. His excitement made his mouth wet. It was not sexual for him, he didn’t even know the word or what it meant at the time. It was a self dissection. It wasn’t on and he was disappointed. He watched cartoons instead. It was not a disappointment that stung for long, he was distracted soon enough and did not give much thought to breasts or their absence.

His parents came home the same time he heard the sirens, he can’t recall which came first. Mother ushered him to bed quickly. She was honest with him, told him a car had crashed in the pond and that was the end of it. It was a shallow pond, no one could drown. He was too young and too naive to factor in the cold. Cold had no danger, he played in the cold and enjoyed the cold. He had no idea the cold could kill. He fell to sleep with red and blue lights glowing in his room from the window. Tearing their way through every crack in his curtains. Pulling their figure and light and color into the undisturbed darkness.

The next morning he learned it was her, his classmate. Spoon girl. It was her, her mother, and her older sister. Spoon girl and her mother died at the edge of the pond. Her sister was in a coma for a week before passing away. They had been donating cloth or food, he couldn't recall and it didn’t make much difference either way.

The school counselor was in his classroom at the start of the week. They all sat like they were going to have a story read to them. Instead a long and drawn out conversation about grief and death and loss and life and ice. He thought of her father then, he was all alone; his wife and all his children were taken away in the night. Had it been his clothes they took to donate? Maybe his cooking? Maybe he felt bad about the last time he told his daughters he loved them. Had he slept with a spoon under his pillow lying in bed next to his wife for the last time wishing for snow, if he did, an image of curved metal flung from a window, hidden by what remained of the snow. Only to reappear as the seasons changed. This was all imaginary though, he knew only children put spoons under their pillows. Only he believed he could control the snow.

He told a highschool girlfriend of his once, early in their relationship. It was late and she called him, keeping it vague. He had wanted a girlfriend for so long. Boys in high school think of girlfriends and they think of going out to eat, blowjobs, and fighting other boys at parties. Girls aren’t real living breathing people to young boys, they are perfect. Baggage is non-existent and does not matter.

He had been to her house everyday after school that week, both her parents were out of town and her Grandmother, the caretaker in their absence, wouldn’t notice him sneaking in through the basement window. He did the same this evening. It lacked the same thrill. Sexily sneaking into his girlfriend’s basement in the day to fuck felt like a scene from a movie. It felt like what he imagined having a girlfriend would be like, it was thrilling. It was fun, he did it with a smile on his face. Very Romeo and Juliet is what he thought at the time and he probably said something like that to her. In the silence of the night it felt much more criminal. He walked the same steps he had early in the day but the pounding pressure of the darkness felt much more intense.

Her eyes didn’t belong to her. There was an empty wine bottle on the nightstand, the light from the lamp illuminated it in a way to expose its emptiness. It was a sad scene he was entering into, an inauthentic lived in feel. It was fake, that's what they had been doing all week. They had been pretending to live here, to make a home, to have a life. A rushed life as all highschool relationships were. The room smelt like the two of them, the decay was their doing. Somehow more unnatural now. Now it was a distortion of their distortion. From a room to a room pretending to be something it was not to just sad.

He hugged her before saying anything, a hollow holding. Her body felt foreign, and he didn’t want to speak. It was cold and quiet. It was in moments like this when he saw Spoon Girl. Moments when everything felt slightly off, when he felt like an observer in his own life. These movements, the hug, the silence, the chill, it was just movement. His mind was vacant, fixated on the empty bottle. He saw her in reflections mostly. Bathroom mirrors or rear-view mirrors in cars or empty wine bottles. She would be there, observing. She never moved, never spoke. She just was. She looked the same as always, young and cold. Her face would never move, her shivering would never stop, and her lips were never less blue. He tried talking to her when he was younger, tried treating her like a friend. That faded eventually, now he just looked at her and she looked at him. She always looked so cold that he couldn’t stare for long sometimes, a rip in his chest would tear his eyes from the reflection giving her life.

There is a girl in that corner. His voice blended into the silence of the room. She died when I was younger, we were classmates. Right in front of my house. He had never talked about it before. When she died he didn’t react. He was somber with the rest of his peers, but he still smiled at recess. He still ate cheese crackers during snack time. When he first saw her in the bathroom mirror he was scared. He was going to tell his mother but his feet would not allow him to move. He was stuck with her in the mirror and he realised she wasn’t scary. She was just cold. So, he kept it to himself and he continued going to recess and eating snacks and seeing her occasionally. Nothing changed, he just kept moving.

He locked eyes with his highschool girlfriend as she sat up, blocking his sight of the girl in the reflection. Her voice danced in this room, it moved slowly. He couldn’t quite make out any concrete ideas in what she was saying. Her voice was stumbling, drunk, failing to perform. Something about water. She began crying as she laid back down but her eyes were closed. Tears being squeezed through the skin blocking her eyes. She began to take her top off, it was a t-shirt, some band her dad liked. It was soaked in vomit. She threw the shirt at where Spoon Girl had been standing, but she wasn’t there anymore. She took his hand and put it on her left breast, she tried to speak again. His head panned to the bottle again, nothing but empty. That was the last time he saw Spoon Girl.

He left soon after that. He had covered her as he left. He was biting his nails the whole time, spitting the fragments into the trash can he had put by the bed as he cleaned and covered her. She continued to shiver no matter how many blankets her put on her. She said something as he left, perhaps it was a thanks. He couldn’t hear, he turned off the lamp, and he closed the door behind him. He stood there for a moment before departing, soaking in the darkness of this house. Letting his eyes adjust, letting the blood from his ragged nails pool where the nail meets skin. For such an odd night, the brightness and the sharpness should penetrate his memory. None of it did though, it was a blur by the time he climbed out the window. He knew it somehow that he would never see Spoon Girl again. He drove home in silence, a knot building in his stomach.

He laid in his bed for a long while before drifting off to sleep that night. He was too hot, then too cold. Were her arms bleeding? Was she bleeding or was the wet her vomit? Blood, he remembered blood the small drops from his serrated nails. He thought she might be bleeding but couldn’t tell. She was bleeding from three small cuts made with her right hand holding the same razor she uses to shave her legs. The cuts were between her shoulder and elbow on the underside of her arm, close to her armpit. It wouldn’t be until a year later he would notice the scars and connect the dots to his sleepily conjured thoughts that night. He fell asleep with the thought of blood on his mind. Not red, not sticky, not liquid. The word.

“No, I don’t think I believe in ghosts. I think our minds play tricks with us. Like if you are guilty or just really want your life to be interesting for a moment you can truly see a door open or a shadowy figure walk towards you. It is real because your mind says it's real, but nothing is actually there.”

The girl whose name rhymes with a car company began speaking next in response to the question. He took his hand out of his pocket and tore into his thumbs nail, peeling it away from flesh, it tasted metallic. When he got in his car to drive back to his apartment he took an extra moment to look in his rearview mirror. Half expecting his blatant denial of her existence to make her reappear. She did not and he was met with only silence.

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