#I shouldn’t have to explain myself it’s very personal and I don’t think I can expect goyishe fandom to fully understand if it tried

[canisvesperus]

I think y’all don’t realize how insulting it is as a descendant of pogrom refugees and Shoah victims to constantly hear Hitler analogies to such and such fictional blorbo. I don’t think you get to constantly compare shit to Hitler when you don’t even call out the antisemitism happening all around you! You don’t care when your friends repeat nazi talking points. You don’t care about Jewish suffering. You don’t care when I ask you to care. You don’t see it and you tell me I’m crazy for noticing! I have to live with this trauma of the literal holocaust every day. You know nothing of nazis and the things they did to us. And antisemitism doesn’t end there but you care more about fandom drama instead.

[communistkenobi]

prefacing this post by saying that I am a big enjoyer of “this site has poor reading comprehension” jokes on here, but I think there needs to be better and more precise language about this sort of thing that isn’t bound up in like, the ability to parse text, which is always going to be tied to class and ability. I’m not saying every joke about this site not being able to read is classist/ableist, and I don’t think anyone is making any grand ideological proclamations when dunking on a stupid reply to their post, but the backing behind that kind of joke is, ultimately, “haha you’re an adult that can’t read.”

And aside from some potentially troubling baggage, I don’t even think that’s what’s going on in the first place! I think the more precise (but admittedly less catchy) term for “poor reading comprehension” is something along the lines of chronic incuriosity, or a rigid adherence to normative thinking. if you see a post saying, for example, women shouldn’t have to wear makeup to be viewed as human beings, and the comments are filled with “actually you can just wear some winged eyeliner and foundation it’s not that hard to wear makeup and also women love makeup stop gatekeeping,” what is happening is not a failure to comprehend the text in front of them. these responses are not made in ignorance, as in, they are not the result of a failure to understand the sentence they just read. these responses stem from a refusal to challenge base assumptions, and reacting emotionally to the mental dissonance this causes (probably something along the lines of “I think of myself as progressive but this person is challenging something I like doing and this threatens my weak political instincts”). These people are rejecting the opportunity to analyse the habits and behaviours they previously assumed to be non-political (eg, wearing makeup), and then externalising that rejection as a defence mechanism. That is not a failure to read a sentence, that is a demand to be intellectually coddled, which is very different.

Again, I’m sure people are already aware of this. I enjoy being a hater, and having people constantly swarm your posts with ridiculous and hysterical replies is incredibly frustrating (speaking from a lot of personal experience here lol). This is also not me saying you have to do the coddling and explain to them that they’re being ideologically incurious about the world, you don’t have an obligation to do any of that. but I think framing a person’s failure to be curious about their own biases as “they don’t know how to read” situates the problem as an issue of ignorance or lack of technical skill, instead of the much more prevalent problem of people refusing to be challenged or reconsider things in their life they didn’t think about before. Calling these kinds of people ignorant is just letting them off easy

[midnightstar-kpopsmut]

Chapter III, Stick it

- I stayed there for a couple of seconds – said Cheongtae -. I didn’t really know what to do after Karina bluntly asked for my help. Maybe it’s not even that, not knowing what to do. Sometimes I am just moody. You know that from the outside I can look like a tall, muscular, confident guy, but I don’t need much to be thrown off guard. I don’t have that kind of fast smart like reaction that other guys have. So a few seconds of that can be quite uncomfortable for me. You know what I mean. I actually think I have many repressed thoughts, like why would I be uncomfortable, like ever? It’s not like I have a knife to my throat if someone says something strange to me, so there must be many memories and fears that arise to me in those kind of moments, or in this moment with Karina.

- He is just stupid – added Jimmy to the recollection of events -, but I didn’t want to say that to him or it would have took him two weeks to finish his story. So I just said in Korean “I feel you, keep going.”, which is very difficult to learn and I can’t teach you now, and he kept going.

I follow Karina on the sofa zone, she is leading me. I told you how the middle of the room is strangely down elevated, you gotta take one or maybe two steps down. That makes me notice that she is barefoot, I had took some slippers at the entrance, but she hasn’t any, not even socks. Barefoot. Not that I care, because I am not into feet, I don’t understand what’s the point of that. I am waiting for someone to explain it to me. Anyway. We get to the middle of all the sofas, I am waiting for us to sit, but instead she turns and faces me. She is distressed. Just a touch, but she is so pretty, so it is easy to notice. She looks at me straight into the eyes and says: - Can you... hide them?

“Hide them? Hide what?” I think. O right, her breasts. That’s what we were talking about just before. - How would I hide them? - I say.

- Can’t we do some shape that would draw the attention away from them?

I shake my head slightly. You can’t draw attention away from tits that just gained two sizes and are stretching out of closely fitted clothes.

She sees that I am not convinced. - Do I need longer extensions? - I look at her and say: - Don’t you have already some on? - No! - she quietly screams by protruding her lips – Those are mine. Who are you confusing me with?!

Like I told you I had not seen her for a few months. I get why she scolds me, I didn’t took it personal, she was looking out for competition. Idols can be so possessive of their look and team.

- The only thing that could hide them, I mean draw attention away, is maybe a bob cut. But I don’t think we can go for that without consulting the rest of your team. Especially Mi-jeong, I need her approval. - Mi-jeong is the head of the visual branch of Aespa, added Cheongtae to Jimmy, she coordinates make-up, hair and clothes. Not married, sharp, you should meet her. Jimmy wasn’t interested. So he kept pressing Cheongtae to hear the rest of the story.

- I am NOT getting a bob cut. That is horrid. What is that? The idiots that think they can get away with a bob cut in our industry... Shameful. - She took a step toward me. - Try something else.

I evaluate my options. She has indeed call me for something complex, as I had imagine. At least she doesn’t seem to want to get a real cut right now, just get a feeling of what we can do.

- Shouldn’t we go in another room? - I say -. One with a mirror... A chair?

- Why? - says Karina, concerned – Here it’s ok. You can sit. It’s very comfortable.

She gently sits down on the main sofa, tries to calm herself. I put myself on her right, what else can I do?

- Oppa, you look at us everyday. You see that this is a big... change.

She puts her hands on the air around her tits and moves them, to further highlight what she is talking about.

- Why did you do it if you don’t like them? - I add.

- Oh but I do like them – she replies -, I always wanted them big.

I nod, then realize I am nodding as a reflex, and dare to ask -... Why? Why do you like them?

She gets aggressive: - I don’t know. I feel like guys like them big... Don’t you?

- Sure. - I wasn’t lying. I wouldn’t say it is breast is what I think about first, but still. Big can be nice.

She keeps going: - But my fans... They can be so... limited. I am famous for being savage, powerful. Not cheap.

- I know – I say. She was right. Kpop groups go out with a very defined look in mind. It’s difficult to break out from it, even with different concepts, it is not something you should usually aim for.

She rapidly flutters her eyelashes at me and says: - Do I look... cheap?

- No, you don’t. - I promptly answer. She was as classy and expensive as always. There was just something in her crop top, the fluffy texture, that gave her more of “that kind” of look. And it arguably made her breast look even bigger. As if you had to touch them. A devilish loop. But there was no point to underline that, she would have changed her outfit completely for the comeback.

- I am Karina – she says -, not some stupid whore... - She takes her phone out of her pocket and says: - Let me show you.

She gets on youtube and starts typing and swiping, looking for a specific video. She finally finds it and turns it to me.

- Here, her. - She says while starting the video.

The video is a performance of Kiss of Life on Mnet, dating of the 24th of July. - Stick it. - I say.

Karina pauses the video and gives me a tap on my left leg: - It’s Sticky. Not Stick it. You are such a dog...- She presses play again.

I don’t know Kiss of Life much, but in this performance one of the fourth members was giving much more then the others, in my opinion. She is boldest, more defined and you could say just more... vulgar.

- You are looking at Natty, right? - Says Karina.

- I don’t know their names. – I reply.

- The one with the big tits.

- She has quite a character.

The video goes on, on the refrain you can hear “Sticky, Sticky, Sticky”, the four members all slam their asses, then squat, then rise up and bend forward while turning their head to the camera. But Natty improves on the choreography by keeping her mouth fully open while she shakes her ass. The camera clearly favors her.

Karina stops the video exactly at that point, with Natty wide open in front of my face.

I try to say something: - See, she has a bob cut – she indeed had one -. You look at her face more than her... body.

Karina’s face looks disgusted. - She is such a whore. She will never get it. Kpop is not just about making guys hard.

I agreed. While looking at Natty spreading her legs, looking down, opening her mouth... I am surely not focusing on the song.

Karina notices it: - Even you! Look at you! You are looking at her open mouth.

I try to bring back the discussion to our common interest, her own look: - You don’t need to do that. We can use a big bandana for you. The attention will stay on your face and you will look fierce.

- I am so pissed – says Karina -, you heard that I had to stop see my guy, right? While this slut does this on stage.

I remember that Karina was dating a hot Korean actor that she had met in Milan for some fashion event, she was then spotted in Seoul by paparazzi and had to apologize publicly. I had heard rumors that she was still seeing him, though.

Karina continues: - If I get ANY hate for my boobs... I swear, I’ll kill someone.

She starts swiping again on her phone.

- This was the maximum I was allowed to do on stage.

The new video is a snippet from a performance of Next Level, one of Aespa biggest songs. Karina press play.

In the video, while the aggressive rhythm fills the venue, the four Aespa members bends forward, and Karina gently hits Winter’s ass with her hand,

On her living room Karina follows the video and hums: - Next level wa... - she taps my leg again, while the clip plays for a second time.

Then I don’t know if it is because we are not having a lot of sex with my wife, you often told me I should fuck her more, since she is pretty and all, but you know how it is with her, or because I am tensed with the whole idea of having to do an urgent work for Karina, plus the videos of course... Well, I start to stiffen in my pants.

The second play-through of the video ends, but Karina’s hand stays on my left leg. I can’t really brush her off, that wouldn’t be polite.

- Oppa – she says-, do you think I should get rid of this savage style? Be like Natty, just go... all in?

- You should do whatever you like. - I say, like an idiot.

- Oh, really... - She replies with a tone.

Karina slightly moves her fingers on my inner, left, tight. My dick is slowly and luckily growing to the right. My pants are large, so it stays barely perceptible.

She keeps adding – Maybe if I change my stile once and for all they will let me date. I kind of miss him. He is very, very horny. - She looks in my eyes to see how I react. Then looks at herself and says: - He is always looking at my big tits...

And there it is. At that point I get tired of this whole bullshit. This calling me on the middle of the afternoon to work on her hair, the long list of complaints, the talking to me about her boyfriend... I can’t take it anymore and jump on her.

I grab her small head and enormous mass of hair with my hand and throw my head at her lips. I am not that aggressive usually, but she had really annoyed me. So...

She can barely breath through the kiss, I don’t let her. She aggressively taps my leg with her hand, so I relax the kiss and grab her tits in response.

- Oppa!! - she says like a surprised kid – What are you doing?

Obviously I don’t stop. She is just acting up.

- This is not very professional... Even Jae doesn’t go this fast...

Right, Jae-wook. That’s the name of her actor boyfriend.

I grab Karina’s hand and move it to my now hard dick. She starts to squeeze it through the pants.

- Why are you in such a rush – says Karina-, I thought you needed more time...

- More time for what? - I ask, even though I hopes for her to shut up.

- To cheat on your pretty wife... - she says.

- Oh, fuck off. - I stand up and raise her light body with a finger. Then bend her to the head of the sofa and start pushing against her ass. We are still both clothed.

- I thought you liked my face, all those time you looked at me at your shop... Guess I was wrong!

I remove her cargo pants and underwear in a single movement. Then my own pants.

She is wet enough, and I am not in the mood to waste more time to make it comfortable for her. I grab my dick and push it in.

Now that I am fucking her, she has finally stopped talking. She gracefully arch her back to me, you can see that all the Kpop training is paying off. I should not be doing this, but then again who cares, I am not the first of the team that has fucked one of the idols, as you know this is more common than people can imagine. Their job is hard, and we all need to relax.

She slightly pushes her body against me. Her hips, previously enhanced by the cargo pants, are quite fragile. I grab them with my hands and slam her in response. She squeak.

Feeling my rhythm settling Karina pushes me harder, she wants more of the slams, but I am not ready to give it to her. To make her point she flaunts her thick, dark and long hair. I look at them, they are quite imposing. I have trimmed and reshaped those hair to perfection dozen of times. Watching them moving from behind is quite a spectacle. I stiffen. Karina groans and pushes. It is like fucking a lion. I get even harder.

- Oppa – she says-, you are so big...

I am surely bigger than normal. And I am quite proud of it. - Not only for a Korean – adds Jimmy -, he is bigger than a western guy as well.

I push my fully hardened dick inside her and say: - Isn’t it too big? My wife says it hurts her sometimes...

- Oppa... Your wife doesn’t like your huge dick? - She says while turning her head to me. - How is that possible, I like it so much... - her cunt contracts.

- She says she hits her at the end and it hurts. - I add.

- Then it’s not really cheating... - Karina says, closing her eyes – She can keep your bored, sloppy dick...

She touches my right hand on her waist and adds: - I’ll take the huge horse cock of yours... It goes so well with my big tits...

I instantly bend forward and grab her new big breasts through her soft crop top. I bury my head into her cascade of dark hair. My dick is now swelling in pain. The rhythm through which I slam it inside Karina rapidly intensifies.

- Oppa... You are going too fast... - she says.

I don’t answer and cover her mouth with one of the hands.

She frees herself from it and says: - Be careful... you don’t want to make me pregnant.

- What? - I ask while leaving her tits and putting myself straight up again – You don’t take the pill?

- I don’t take anything! - she says, while still pushing her ass and body against me. - Those shit are not good for your skin. But keep going... Tell me when you are almost there...

We keep pushing for a few more seconds, at that point I am almost done, who wouldn’t and I let her know.

- Wait for me... - says Karina. She pushes me out of her, puts herself on her knees in front of the sofa and grabs my dick with her two hands. - You can finish on my face.

I am almost there. She looks at me with her big, dreamy eyes and says: - Oppa, do you like my... - but then I explode into her face. Which at least makes both her eyes and mouth close shut. She keeps stroking my dick in silence. Her face is covered with my full built up of load.

There is one main river of sperm, the thickest one, that goes through her lips. A second, smaller one, deviates left on her cheek. Multiple other droplets constellate the rest of her face, which she has masterfully bended back to avoid staining her eyes.

Karina keeps her eyes closed, enjoying the feel of the sperm on her face.

While looking at her I realize that, even through my numerous sexual encounters, I had never seen something so beautiful. It must have been the makeup, or the hair, or whatever else. Strangely enough, I had never had sex with an idol before.

Karina’s face looks like a painting.

That’s when I reach for my pants, specifically for the phone in my pocket. Karina thinks that I want to go and complains cutely. I give a pump of blood to my dick, so that it will look good on the picture. Karina feels it getting bigger into her hands and smile, still with her eyes closed. Resting like a diligent worker on her break.

I take the picture, put my phone away, and rise my pants.

She opens her eyes and throw herself into the couch.

- I should go – I say. Then I notice her horny look on her face and add: – Did you come?

- No, sorry – she says -. I think I need something more. To come, I mean.

- Yes, I get it. - I answer. What else could I have said? I didn’t have anything more than that to give. And it was also getting pretty late. Girls very often cannot get excited by sex alone, they need feelings, something like that. I said to myself that it must be the same for Karina.

I act with care and help her clean her face with a napkin. I am her employee after all. She doesn’t want me or her to go to the toilet to wash up though, strange.

Instead she grabs a soda from her fridge and rushes me off the apartment. Out in the hot city of Seoul.

- That is how Cheongtae told me he got this picture. - Said Jimmy. The American looked at him, wanting to know more.

- What did you say was your name, again? - Added Jimmy.

- Steven – said the American, that we can now call by his name -, my name is Steven, but you can call me Steve.

Jimmy waited for Steve’s question, which arrived after a few seconds: - Can I talk with Cheongtae? I’d really want to know more about his work in Kpop, it would help me for my job here as well.

- Well, that would be nice – said Jimmy -, very nice. Problem is Cheongtae told me this story one week ago, it had just happened, and I can’t get in contact with him since then.

- What do you mean, you can’t get in contact? - Asked Steven.

- What I mean is, that Cheongtae has disappeared. We are quite close. But I don’t know where he is.

At that Steven didn’t had an immediate follow up question. So we will have to wait and see for the next chapter to know more about his own train of thoughts.

[sanspuppet]

MDNI - smut

professor!Mingi x afab!reader

W/T: University AU, unprotected sex, breeding, public sex, quick dick sucking, reader’s first time, pet names (pretty, lovely, darling)

A/O: @ahimhere here’s your request for the prompt “Shush, we can’t have anyone hearing this”, i figured some professor Mingi, hope you can enjoy hehe <3

When the bell rang, and all the people that frequented your course left the classroom, the professor called your name once you walked next to his desk.

“Y/n, Miss. Can you please come over to my office? We need to talk about something.” Your body blocked, hearing his low voice demanding you. You couldn’t deny that he’s the finest, the most handsome man that you’ve ever seen, and the classes you had with him were always hard to focus on, as you were completely infatuated by his hot look. You shook your head to turn again to reality, pressing hard your books against your breast due to nervousness: why would he want to talk with you?

“Oh… Yes, surely Sir” you headed to his personal office, after walking over the class door. Your gaze was locked down your shoes, your cheeks felt burning at the thought of being alone with him.

You turned around to see him walking behind you, he reached the door and opened it with one of the keys he hold in his pocket pants. The man nodded to you as he sat on his chair. You walked over him and sat shyly on one of the two other chairs in front of the huge desk.

“So…” he opened a drawer, where he placed his books before closing it back. “You’re seriously a model student” his eyes were locked on yours, he had his fingers crossed when he continued: “You still have great grades, even though you seem very distracted during my lessons”

“Oh, uhm…” you blinked while staring at the floor, your mind was elaborating a good excuse, but the man beat you on time: “I’ve started to think that the reason you can’t focus properly is because of me, do i bother you?” You were confused as you saw a slight smirk diving onto his face, waiting silently for you to reply him.

“Yes- i mean… kind, of. I’m sorry.”

The man nodded, shaking slowly his hand to you. “You don’t have to be, i only need you to explain why you’re being distracted by me, so maybe we can work on this together.”

You played with your hands nervously, chuckling shyly and shaking your head before articulating the dumbest thing you could have said: “Oh no, no i shouldn’t.”

He raised an eyebrow, standing up to get closer to you. He held on his knee with a hand as the other lifted your chin. “Why shouldn’t you? Miss, i have already figured out why. But i want you to say it, so i can be sure of that”

Your heartbeat accelerated at the idea of him knowing that you use to fantasize about him during his classes, mixed with the sight of his face close to yours enough to feel his warm breath.

“I dream of… you, during lessons” you weren’t actually going to say what you daydreamed of him, right? It’d be so shameful, for your imagine of perfect student, but you couldn’t do anything about being a fucking pervert when it came to that professor.

“About? Keep going.” His hand never left your chin as he kept trying to make eye contact with you, despite your eyes were forcefully locked on the floor.

“H-having…” you gulped before continuing. “sex, here.”

He pulled back, murmuring a long: “Ooh~” with his arms crossed. “Just as i thought” He supported himself with the desk top. “I still don’t blame you, every student has his specific distraction… what i am asking to myself and obviously you, is… What should we do about it?”

Your mouth hung open waiting for your mind to elaborate anything, but the only thing that left your mouth was a simple: “i don’t know Sir…”

He scratched his chin, widened his eyes once he chose the best option: “Tell me y/n, if i fuck you and consequently fulfill your needs, will you focus better during my classes?” He got closer to you again.

The air inside the room felt heavy, you were struggling to breathe, and you could feel drops of sweat resting on your forehead as soon you realized how hot it was there. You were fatigued by some unknown reason before, but now the heat between you and your professor seemed uncontrollable to you, so couldn’t do anything but nod.

“Yeah, i think.” you murmured, finally looking at him. The man was loosening the knot of the tie to breathe better, you watched him unbuttoning his shirt, every movement of his got you wetter as reaction. You stood up and bent over his desk, your skirt was already on the floor when you dragged down your panties, a string of arousal connecting them to your pussy.

He groaned once he turned to see you prepared to take him. His hands were caressing your hips, his eyes inspecting every detail of your bare skin, even though you were one of his students, he couldn’t deny that you’re a hot yet pretty girl.

“I know i shouldn’t make preferences, but you’re my favorite student y/n, such a beautiful and smart girl.” You shyly chuckled, but the slight laughter quickly turned into a needy moan as soon as you felt his fingers slicking against your sticky cunt. “Shush, we can’t have anyone hearing this” You obeyed him, biting your lower lip to muffle any sound that could have escaped your mouth.

“Unfortunately i don’t have any condoms here with me, i will have to breed you, if it isn’t a problem.” You nodded, turning your head to try to look at him while he unzipped his pants. “You can”

In less than a minute he was already buried inside you, pumping as fast as he could without making any sound of skin slamming against skin. His hands were gripping your waist to hold better, your suffocated moans made him even hornier. “Fuck it’s so tight, is this your first time lovely?” his pace slowed down to help you reply easier.

“Y-yes” you layed on your elbows, your face was pressing against the wood of the desk.

“Oh so bad, your boyfriend should have been your first.” He was already tired of the sleepy pace, so he started to hammer again roughly into your pussy. You breathed deeply before talking back:

“It’s o-okey—fuck, i- i’m in love with you” you were so embarrassed to say it, even though it was the truth.

“We’ll se what we can do about it, but for now, let’s focus on orgasming, got it pretty?”

In effect, you found yourself really close to your high, but you still wanted to fuck with him more. The nasty and squelching sound was too loud that there was no fucking way it couldn’t have been heard from ourside, but even if people were probably thinking the professor was having a quicky with the sexy English teacher, he was actually fucking “the sexy student” as how he used to call you for himself. You could notice that the thrust became sloppier at some point, warning you that he was close to climax soon.

“God, i’d like to fuck you all day long but we have other classes in five minutes” He slammed his big cock inside your throbbing cunt enough to make your clit red from how he was balls deep in you. The heat turned into pure desperation of cumming as you two kept fucking.

“Sir… i’m close” you whined with your face squeezed into your arm to muffle the occasional loud noises.

“Gonna spurt my cum into you very soon lovely, get ready” he couldn’t hold back his groans, too.

You came the same second you felt a hot liquid releasing into your pussy, mixing it with your own. The man behind you groped your ass, spreading your ass cheeks to admire the mess leaking slowly out of you.

“Does it bother you if you keep it inside until you get home, darling?” he asked you, dragging your panties up to put them in place again. “it’s fine”

Once you were fully clothed, you turned around to look at him. Quite to your surprise he pointed at his still leaked crotch.

“Could you please clean it up, quickly?”

You immediately kneeled, licking down on all his length until all the cum on it was in your stomach. You took him out of your mouth with a pop, he didn’t wait any longer before putting back on his pants along with the boxers.

“I had a great time y/n. About what you said to me, maybe we can give us a chance, don’t you think? Let me give you my number, when you’re completely sure about that, we can hang out together.” he smiled at you, after asking for you phone where he could type his phone number.

After a minute, when the bell rang again, he opened the door holding it for you to leave his office first.

“Thank you, Sir” you cooed, a genuine smile popping out your face.

“You can call me Mingi, now go, maths is waiting for you” he chuckled back.

[steviewashere]

What's A Boy in Love Supposed To Do?

Rating: Teen and Up CW: Biphobia, Eddie Being Kind of an Asshole at First, Use of the Word Queer (But not as a Slur) Tags: Post-Canon, Angst, Hopeful Ending, Aware of Own Bisexuality Steve Harrington, Gay Eddie Munson, Angry Steve Harrington, Pre-Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, Temporary Unrequited Love/Feeligns, Rejection, (But not completely because Eddie doesn't know how he feels yet), Steve Harrington Loves Eddie Munson, Confident Steve Harrington, Bitchy Steve Harrington, (And he deserves to be here), Eddie Munson Being an Idiot, Eddie Munson Figuring Things Out, Eddie Munson Has a Crush on Steve Harrington, (But He's Not in Love Yet), Mild Resolve, Dialogue Heavy, Author is Bisexual For @steddieangstyaugust Day 24 Prompt: "Go, see if I care." Title from "Oh l'amour" by Erasure

🏳️‍🌈—————🏳️‍🌈 “As flattered as I am, Steve, I don’t want to be somebody’s experiment.”

He blinks at Eddie. Rigid to the cushion he sits on. It’s an instantaneous reaction: the flush of his cheeks, the pull to his lips, the narrowing of his eyes. A rage, he doesn’t think he’s felt since Jonathan Byers and his camera, begins to fill him. Can feel it low in the pit of his stomach and pulsing in the center of his forehead.

The gall of this asshole, Steve thinks, I can’t believe this shit.

Steve clicks his tongue on the back of his teeth. “Excuse me?” he asks thinly, “what the hell are you talking about?” His hands lay on his knees and squeeze harshly, fingernails digging through the denim of his jeans.

Eddie’s mouth twists. A sharp breath shoots through his nose. He looks away from Steve’s face, shrugging. “I mean,” he says slowly, “I mean…you like girls, Steve. This could just be a fluke. Like a…like maybe you should put more thought into this.”

Can’t help himself, Steve scoffs loudly. “Genuinely, Eddie, what the fuck are you talking about? I come out to you, I tell you that I like you, and you—what—turn this around as if I’m stupid about my feelings?”

“I guess?” Eddie answers, honest in a way Steve thinks he shouldn’t be. “You’re just…you’re confused. You’ve got some wires crossed or something. Maybe it’s just because I share some features with Nancy. But you don’t like me, Steve. Not really.”

He’s honestly not sure how to respond to that. Part of him is wilted. Part of him is alive with fury and flames, with tension, and unease. This feeling through him is the thing he doesn’t know. Steve falls back into his seat on the sofa, arms crossed over his chest, and avoiding all of Eddie he’d be able to see.

“Can’t believe this,” Steve mutters, “can’t believe you’re treating me like this, too. Why does everybody think that.”

“What do you”—

“I’ve been to queer bars, y’know,” he explains bitterly, “been in there searching for people who catch my eye. Because, get this if you can, I’m not a picky person.” Steve glares daggers at Eddie. “Because, and if you can believe me on this, I know what I want. Surprising, I know. But you wouldn’t know that because you treat me like everybody does—like I’m some brainless fucking low-life who only knows how to use his dick and bat his eyes.

“I go out and tell these people at the bars that I’m bisexual. That I’m into guys, that I’m into girls. Tell ‘em that, yeah, I only have experience getting in bed with a girl. But it’s not like I’m not interested in that aspect with guys, too—I just haven’t had the chance, you understand me on that, I’m sure.” And that maybe hits a little too hard; knowing that Eddie’s gay and that his experience with sex is very limited. He continues, though, “Yet, as soon as I try and explain myself, I get pushed away. I get looked at all weird. One time, a guy told me I wasn’t queer enough to be with him. Like…what the fuck does that even mean?”

“Steve, I”—

He points a finger in Eddie’s face, hand shaking and palm sweating. “Don’t interrupt me. You came out to me and I listened all the way through; you get to hear me out, too.” Steve huffs. Draws his hand back towards his lap, immediately going to his habit of picking at his fingers. Trying to allocate the nerves he has, the ones that were so intense a few moments ago. “How queer do I have to be to want to kiss a guy?” he speaks rhetorically and quietly, “how queer do I have to be to appreciate the way they smile at me? Or…or how queer do I have to be to want to hold your hand, Eddie? Seriously. What’s it gonna take? Is it ‘experimenting’ if I know that I want it? Is it ‘experimenting’ if I know how much I already love you?

“Because I do, if you can believe that. I fell in love with you before I really had the words. And I fell in love with you before I came to the realization that I like guys, too. But I know my own feelings. I’ve been in love before, I think I can understand that part of me.” He looks down at his hands in his lap, eyes burning, throat stinging, and face flushing hot. “I wish I didn’t have to explain something I already know. But I guess I will for however long people question the authenticity of my sexuality. Including you, I guess.”

The room fills with tense silence after that. Air so hot and so thick, he can feel it heavy on his shoulders, weighing him further and further, and making him sink deep into the cushion underneath him.

Sure, this isn’t the first time he’s been rejected. Nancy did. Robin did. Now Eddie is. He’s been rejected by guys at the bars and clubs. Maybe he doesn’t have the whole knowledge or ‘etiquette’ to this yet, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to learn. He wants to call a guy his baby, hook his finger into their belt loop, drag them into a dark corner and kiss them soundly and breathlessly. Wants to take a guy home at the end of the night and hold his hand as they figure out each other’s bodies. Kiss him in the morning, if the guy sticks around. Wants to relish in the scratch of facial hair on his sensitive skin.

He could see himself with men, that’s the thing. He knows that in his fantasies—whether it be imagining himself with the men in the centerfolds of gay magazines, or the daydreams of being in love with Freddie Mercury—that he’s completely comfortable with the thought of being with a man. Loves the thought of it so much, that he finally realized he wanted that with Eddie especially. Because a night-in with Eddie, watching a movie, arm around his back, cushioning his cheek on Eddie’s shoulder, kissing each other slow and soft—all of that sounds like heaven, a dream that could animate and he could make real.

On the couch, distance between them, Steve’s never felt so far away from a dream of his. Even that initial daydream with Nancy sounds more probable than falling in love with Eddie slowly and surely. He sort of, really, hates that.

“Steve,” Eddie breathes. “I don’t know what to say.”

An apology might be nice, Steve sourly thinks. He just shrugs, though. “I don’t know what I want you to say, so,” he states quietly.

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Eddie give one sharp nod. “This is…a lot to take in. I should just leave.”

Of course. Run away, Eds. Run away like you always do. “Go. See if I care,” Steve murmurs. Face at his lap still, tears ready to spill down his cheeks. A part of him thinks that he’ll never see Eddie again. He doesn’t want that. But maybe…maybe it’s for the best? It’s the one thing he doesn’t know.

Eddie stands up, walks towards the door, but stops in the doorway to the living room. He raps his knuckles on the doorframe. Steve can’t help but look up. “I accept you,” Eddie says quietly, “even if it’s too easy to say or too easy to hear, but I do. Just let me have a little bit of time to think about your confession, Steve. I think I feel the same, but I want to be confident like you. I don’t want to hurt you again.”

He inhales slowly and lets out a soft breath through his mouth. Steve wants a better apology, but one thing at a time, he supposes. It was hard when he figured things out for himself; it’s harder to hold a grudge against somebody doing the exact same thing. “If you find out you feel the same,” Steve says hopefully, “can we hold hands?”

“Stevie, when I’m confident about how I feel, we can do whatever you want. I’ll be back, I promise. I’ll have better words and a better apology, too.” He lets go of the doorframe, where he rested his hand after knocking on it. But before he can leave, he looks Steve directly in the eyes. Says, “And there’s no such thing as ‘queer enough’. You’re perfect as-is, Steve. I’m just stupid. And those other guys are complete assholes for not even attempting to get their heads out of their asses and go out with you.

“You deserve the world. And I want to give that to you.”

“Let’s cool off first.”

Eddie nods again, smiles small, and Steve returns it. “Yeah, we should do that,” he whispers. Lets out a deep sigh. Softly, “Take care of yourself tonight, okay? I’m sorry for…I’m sorry for being an ignorant pile of shit. I’m gonna do better, no matter how long it takes to prove myself to you.”

After that, Eddie lets himself out. And Steve lets him leave, doesn’t chase after him, even when every part of him panics about letting Eddie get away. But this is for the better, he thinks. Knows that not everything works itself better overnight. It’s a start, though. Not a satisfying one, but it’s the beginning of something.

🏳️‍🌈—————🏳️‍🌈

[chloeangelic]

addressing the drama (with receipts)

I wanted to have my ducks in a row before speaking out instead of just responding; I’m not doing this to change anyone’s opinions - it’s really not possible change someone’s perception of me even if it’s based on falsehoods - but I need to do this so I know I’ve said and shown what needs to be shown, and people can do with it what they please. 

To the readers and writers who have blocked me, unfollowed me, and mutuals who have stopped talking to me over this - I’m really, really sad you didn’t come to me first and give me the opportunity to explain what was going on. I understand if you wanted to distance yourself from drama but I also need you to understand that this was not discourse-drama I willingly got myself into. This was a month of frequent harassment and slander that eventually turned into bullying by a group of people using false info, hiding behind side blogs and anons, and I hoped it would blow over but it never seemed to stop. With anons turned off for most of the last two months, people have gone to my friends’ inboxes instead to harass them about me (and insult them in the process), and I can’t do this anymore.

I feel so alienated and disliked in this community that I can’t go on the dash without feeling like I shouldn’t interact with anyone out of fear that they’ll get uncomfortable seeing me in their notifs. People keep saying they want the community to get better and then they jump on the bandwagon of vague posting and RBing without taking a second to verify the claims, clearly not realizing how much hurt it causes to perpetuate it. If you’re reading this, I  hope your name isn't the next one they pull out of the hat when they want someone new to push off the platform. 

Explanations, timelines and receipts below. 

-

For anyone waiting for an explanation regarding the posts and anons about me that have circulated for weeks, or waiting for receipts proving or disproving that I’m a mean girl who spends my time talking shit, here you go. I am so beyond hurt, I don’t even know what to say. I’m floored, I’m so disappointed in this community and I’m so sad. In the last two weeks, I stayed up until 4am one night receiving screenshots of posts and anons about me, I cried, I tried to understand why this has happened to me, and I have sat here day after day with no answers. 

If you think I’m being melodramatic, try losing a quarter of your mutuals and having a bunch of people block you when you’ve had either no interaction with them or they’ve all been positive, and see how that feels, on top of constant rumors about you being a terrible person when you know you’ve barely had any negative interactions with anyone on the platform. I can’t be on tumblr any longer without exonerating myself and putting it out there that all of this has been one gigantic mess based on lies about me, seemingly compounded by grievances people have against Gracie (some one whose personal conversations have nothing to do with me). Either I do this, or I log out forever and only post on ao3, cause I feel like the fucking grim reaper here. Posts about me being an awful person are still circulating, despite the original post being deleted and the follow up stating that the OP has talked to me and they have apologized.

I’m not naming names in this. I will be using person A/B/C/D to make it less confusing. I’ve removed identifying information from the screenshots because even though I’m hurt by these people, I know that they will get dogpiled and harassed if I identify them, and I want it all to stop. Several have apologized to me and I have accepted. 

Sometime in December, rumors started circulating that there was a “big/elite writers discord” where they talked shit about small writers (I’m not in any discords specifically for writers and I have never heard of such a server). At about the same time, person A - someone who was very active in my own, now-deleted discord server, started frequently vagueposting about me, calling me a mean girl and, intentionally or not, made it seem like I was part of this “elite group of writers”. This is someone who I have never had a negative interaction with and who seemingly out of nowhere decided that I call myself elite and I’m a terrible person. 

Person B had some grievances with myself, Iris, and Gracie it seemed, so they went to person C and accused us of talking shit in our voice chats. I assume person A and B have talked about me at some point and validated each other’s claims, but I can't know that for sure. Person B messaged me from a burner account and apologized, then seemingly deleted the account after I responded.

Gracie frequently posted about us three chatting, and although I understand this might have felt alienating to some, many writers are open about having group chats with each other. All we did was write, edit, and Gracie sometimes made memes. We talked about non-fic stuff often, and when Gracie had an issue with other writers and she was upset, we talked about it. That’s what friends do. She knows that I believe those situations were handled poorly. One of those situations came to light recently - I had a very pleasant conversation with the writer involved, and we are still in touch.

I have spoken to person C, who posted the most “popular” smear post about me and some of my friends. They retracted their statements and profusely apologized to us, admitting it was based on stuff they heard from person B, showing me screenshots of the conversation. However, their original posts are still circulating through reblogs despite being deleted from their account. 

Person D also posted about me and my friends, however their post was sort of ridiculous, accusing me of spending more time replying to anons than writing. I found this funny, but the way they slut shamed my friend was absolutely not humorous, and dragging a random writer in to criticize them was a strange attempt at adding fuel to the fire. 

-

And for the receipts, 

I blocked person A after seeing a handful of vague posts clearly about me, and after they interacted with every single rude anon posted about me that I saw. I think that’s reasonable, no? I’m not gonna post screenshots of their posts cause I honestly just don’t want to look at them again, they make me feel kind of sick if I'm honest, but if anyone doesn’t believe me, they are welcome to DM me and I will send. 

Person B messaged me, admitted to partaking in this mess, and apologized. This is part of a LONG message:

Person C apologized over message and called me on discord. We had a conversation clearing things up, they deleted their posts and wrote a public apology. 

If you need any proof that person B’s claims were, in fact, baseless, look at this exchange between person B and person C after person C had cleared things up with me.

Person D honestly just creeps me out, cause what the fuck is this? Fine if you don’t like me based on my writing or my persona on here but… Why the witch hunt? 

ETA: Person C asked person D to take down their post and they never responded. This was sent prior to that, I know the full context, I just thought this specific part was worth sharing to show how vile some people allow themselves to be behind burner accounts.

What kind of behavior is this? This was from a sideblog, and I don't know what their main account is. It creeps me the fuck out knowing this person is lurking somewhere in the community.

I have hated every moment of this. None of this has been fun for me. This has completely fucked up my motivation to write and my enjoyment of it, it has made me anxious, it has messed with my self esteem, and it has made me want to log out of Tumblr and not come back. 

Please, I beg, if you have an issue with me, just come to me and I promise I will have a conversation with you. You can’t tell people’s tone over anon and I don’t think that’s a good way to have a conversation, especially one about something that should be solved in private, so they remain off, but my DM’s are open. 

I'm so sick of seeing vagueposts and trying to decipher if they're about me. Having to do that a bunch of times messes with your head.

I'm not sure what to do moving forward, but I needed to say my piece. I don't want to talk about this again, I want to put this behind me. I seriously hope this doesn't wreck my last remaining want to share my writing on here.

Thanks again to everywhere who has supported me in my DMs and comments, you mean the world to me 🤍🤍🤍 And if you found yourself duped by all this but change your opinion on me now or eventually, I won't hold a grudge, and I'm happy to speak again and pick up where we left off.

[byoldervine]

Characters as People VS Characters as Characters

It’s no secret that people like villains, but why? And what about heroes that people generally don’t like? The answer is that you can like characters in two different ways; as a character and as a person. But what’s the difference?

You (generally) like a character as a character if you like them for:

• Their appearance

• Their voice acting

• Their role in the plot

• The way they’re written

• They’re interesting to watch/read about

• They’re funny to watch/read about

• They’re cathartic to watch/read about

But you (generally) like a character as a person when you like them for:

• Being someone you would get along with in real life

• Having moral values that align with real life moral values

Honestly, that’s largely all it is, and you can also like a character in one way without liking them the other way. I’ll give some examples based on the way I feel about certain characters

• I like Katara from ATLA as a character because she’s determined, resourceful and fun to watch, and I also like her as a person because she does her best to do the right thing and I share a lot of similar interests with her

• I like Valentino from Hazbin Hotel as a character because his voice acting is really good, he can be very funny to watch and he’s generally a villain that you really love to hate. However, I dislike Valentino as a person because he commits acts I strongly disagree with morally and takes pride in causing pain and trauma to others

• I dislike Octavia from Helluva Boss as a character because at times her writing can feel very repetitive and one-note since all of her appearances are generally just her putting the sole blame of her parents’ divorce onto her father despite knowing to some extent that her mother has also acted antagonistically towards him, which can be frustrating from a viewer’s perspective. However, I like Octavia as a person because she’s trying her best with the information we can confirm she has, she’s got similar interests to me and I think we’d get along if we met in real life

• I dislike Gabriel Agreste from Miraculous Ladybug as a character because he’s written as though he’s sympathetic and not an abuser to his own son despite his actions speaking very clearly otherwise, and writing him as the unspoken hero is complete tonal dissonance from the story we’ve actually been shown. I also dislike Gabriel as a person because his actions are morally reprehensible and not something I would ever wish to involve myself with

There is a huge difference between liking a character as a character and liking a character as a person, and we shouldn’t treat other people liking characters as characters to be indicative of immorality or an agreement with their negative actions. Additionally, this also explains why we can excuse murder and other horrific crimes from characters while still liking them, but if they annoy us rather than intrigue us then we drop them like a hot potato even if they’ve never done anything actually wrong in their life

[licorice-tea]

The Way Things Go

Pairing: Kaku x reader

Content: strawhat reader, kaku calls reader “miss”, mild smut/ implied smut, sexual innuendoes and things, huge spoilers for water 7 and enies lobby!!!

Word Count: 1.5k

A/N: probably 2-3 more parts after this one… but idk yet… he’s so sleazy actually and i’m OBSESSED. anyway hope you enjoy! oh and if you want to be on the taglist (for this one or any other fics of mine) i have a post about it linked on my pinned!

Part 1

As promised, you meet Kaku in the small harbor where the Straw Hats hid the Going Merry when you all first arrived to Water 7 earlier that day. He’s already there when you arrive, and praises the craftsmanship of the ship from a distance. You answer all his questions about the ship- or as many as you’re able to, at least. Which brings about the question of “Who takes care of the damages?” so you have to explain how you haven’t really been able to get any repairs as long as you’ve all had her.

The two of you board the Going Merry, only to find Zoro “sleeping.” He cracks an eye open as the two of you walk by and almost says something to Kaku, who’s a stranger to the swordsman, then sees you and simply shrugs before dozing off once more.

Kaku observes certain parts of the ship, like the mast and even the floorboards, eventually having assessed nearly every area of the deck. Then he asks you to show him below deck, which you do, and give him a tour of the various rooms. He mainly just checks out the port windows and things like that, until you’ve gone through every room in the lower levels- well, all except one. When you reach the end of a particular hall and then turn back without letting him in to the room behind you, he points and asks, “And what might that room be?”

“Oh, that’s just my room.”

“Ah… I’d hate to intrude but, I do need to see all of the ship.” He doesn’t. He already knows this vessel is past the point of no return- it’s a miracle it’s even floating on the water right now. However, Kaku doesn’t want to tell you that quite yet. He’d hate to disappoint you and…. ruin his chances. Plus, he’s a little very curious to see what your room is like.

“… Um, just give me a second then, ok?” You excuse yourself into your room, and begin tidying up at a shocking speed. It’s already pretty neat actually, but you still go around the entire room making sure nothing is out of place. Once you’re sure there’s nothing lying about that shouldn’t be, you open the door to find him leaning in the frame. “Sorry about that, you can come in now.”

“No need to apologize, miss y/n. Kaku slips past you into your room- “Gosh, what a treat!” he thinks. Like this little glimpse into your private space is really a view of your mind, too. He makes his way over to the port window in slow strides, taking the opportunity to look at all of your little trinkets and decorations.

“Nice place you’ve got here.”

“Thanks… I don’t usually bring guys straight to my room on a first date.” You mean it as a joke, but he takes it in full stride.

“Oh yeah? I guess I should count myself lucky then.”

“I… mhm.”

Kaku laughs, “So, maybe I’ll get extra lucky later on. “

“Sorry?”

“Don’t be.” He looks over at you, pausing his inspection of the port window and how stable (?) it is. “Just joshing you, miss, I should be the one apologizing for my… crude joke.”

You shrug and mumble under your breath, “It wasn’t that bad.”

“Oh?” He walks closer, trapping you in the space between your bed and the wall and himself. It’s barely enough room for one person to stand in if they’re perpendicular to your bed, since it’s just a narrow space. (You have a sort of rational fear of waking up to water leaking through the wall and straight onto you and your sheets, so pushing the bed out a bit was a natural solution.) “Not a bad idea, or not a bad joke?”

“Not a bad-“

He cuts you off with his lips on yours, it waiting to hear your reply. Kaku wants you, and he knows he won’t get much time with you between everything that’s about to go down with CP9 (unbeknownst to you.) It’s sudden, and already quite deep right off the bat. His head is tilted more than a person usually would tilt their head upon entering a kiss to compensate for the length of his nose, but he’s anything but embarrassed- so long as it brings him closer to you and faster, it’s worth the strain on his neck. You would giggle if you weren’t so caught off guard by how he seems to overtake all your senses in mere moments. As proof of the shock to your system, the immediate closeness of the kiss leads you to open your lips in a slight gasp. Kaku sighs contentedly before sucking at your bottom lip, and you to hum in surprise. His hands find their place on the small of your back, and the tips of his fingers travel up and down your spine. You accept him, letting him continue sucking and smothering your lips with his while throwing your arms around his neck. It’s all happening very fast- but you like it.

After a few moments he pulls away, breathing heavily with a thin line of saliva still connecting your lips to his. He swipes it away by brushing his thumb over your lips, and wiping it off on the side of his pants (though still holding around your back with one hand.)

“What-“

“I hope you’ll excuse my-“ he pauses due to his panting, “rushing into things.”

“Y-yeah it’s fine, I was just…” his lips ghost over yours once more, so close you can feel his breath fanning over your skin. “Surprised.”

This time, you’re the one to close the distance and tighten your arms around his shoulders. There’s an underlying sense of need, somewhere deep within you, that hadn’t been there when you’d first walked onto the ship. No, it was his actions and words- the way he looked at you now with such a want in his eyes- that caused this. Of course, you’d already been attracted to him, but you certainly wouldn’t have been the one to make the first move like he had so early on. Yet here you are, making out with a man you just met earlier in the day.

But then you feel his knee slotting itself between your legs, and whine before you come to your senses. You push down his thigh, “We can’t.”

“Mmph- why not?”

“I just met you.”

He chuckles, though it’s more evident in the shake of his shoulders than any audible laughter. “That would be a mighty fine reason.”

“Yeah… I- I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, y/n. Is it ok if I just call you that?”

You smile and nod. Two seconds ago his tongue was in your mouth, now he’s asking for permission to drop formalities- funny guy.

“Well, y/n, I don’t know how long you’ll be in town for, nor how busy I’ll be with work. I want to make the most of this time together.”

Kaku had known this was a bad idea from the start, in all honesty. But when Robin begged Spandam for safe passage for her crew-her friends- out of Water 7, and he’d seen your bounty poster along with the others, he was “struck by Cupid’s arrow.” And getting to meet you in person by coincidence was even better. He had fallen hard and fast, and now he wanted to keep things moving that way before you were gone from his life forever.

However, in fear of making you uncomfortable, he pulls away. Kaku makes it all the way to the other side of the room before you do something that surprises even yourself. You grab his wrist and walk backwards to your bed again, this time lowering yourself to sit on the plush comforter.

His hand interlocks with yours as you let yourself fall back completely. “You… are you sure, y/n?”

You nod. “I’m sure.” And, like the comedian you are, ask “Why? Do you not want to anymore?”

Kaku’s eyes roam over your body, all laid out just for him. His fingers trace your side and come to rest on your hip, giving you a gentle squeeze. “N-no, I want to. I want you.”

With the hand he isn’t inadvertently pining to the bed, you draw his face closer to yours so you can kiss him again. He exhales shakily and all but climbs on top of you, slotting his knee between your legs once more.

You pray, for Zoro’s sake above deck, that he isn’t too loud a lover.

Taglist: @imaginarydreams

[bwabys-scenarios]

Fixer Upper

Part 31

Perv!Kurapika x Fem!Reader

pt 30

pt 32

A/N: Please remember that until further notice ALL of these chapters are FLASHBACKS that take place BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF FIXER UPPER! Just clarifying again because I’m tired of having to explain it 😭😭

warnings: lots of death, animal death, Kurapika gets drunk again lol, Reader’s suicidal thoughts/urges brought up

taglist: @tsukilover11 @ashdownunderscorebeloved @lemonslut @sweetstraberrybear @superweeniehutjrsblog @bugmomwrites @heartsforseo @lixiawinter @altaircc @itszenava @fiightforlovee @mimi-sanisanidiot @monainanuttshell @wow-im-gay @whorermoviestar @lightshowerrr @mama-m1na @nenggie @wicked-binch @jamayah @themanicwriter01

If you’d like to be ADDED to the taglist, please comment a red heart ❤️, make sure you’re able to be tagged/mentioned, and have your age in your bio(IF YOU ARE ALREADY ON THE TAGLIST, YOU DON’T NEED TO ASK TO BE ADDED AGAIN!!)

(Name) stood in her apartment after reaching York New city, packing more essentials now that she was more prepared for the trip she was going to be taking.

They were headed to NGL, a country where people lived alongside nature. Apparently that’s where Kite assumed the chimera ant queen claw came from.

As she was about to leave, her phone began to rang.

“… Melody?” she answered as she walked out of the door. Melody sounded frantic on the other end, blubbering.

“It’s Kurapika, he got himself drunk again and won’t stop crying! I’m trying to coax him out of the bar, but he won’t listen to me.”

(Name) paused, standing outside of her apartment, her key hovering over the lock. “… he what?”

“He’s incredibly drunk, and won’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid he’ll make himself sick.”

(Name) paused, rubbing her temple. ‘What has gotten into him? Why is he acting like this when he’s always been so calm and collected?’

“I’m about to leave for another country. Leorio should be the second closest person to your location, I’ll text him.”

Melody sighed in relief over the phone, and (Name) could vaguely hear Kurapika slurring his words and the sound of objects being thrown around.

“Thank you, (Name). I know talking about him upsets you, I don’t mean to burden you-“

“No, it’s not a burden at all. He… he may have done and said some bad things, but I still love him with all my heart.”

She sighed softly, calling Leorio shortly after. He picked up almost immediately. “(Name), how are you doing? I’m sorry I haven’t been able to visit you, I’ve been-“

“Leorio…”

He paused, immediately going silent at the sound of her voice. “… what happened?”

(Name) locked her apartment, looking at the address Melody sent her. “It’s Kurapika. Apparently he’s drunk and won’t listen to reason. I can’t go for various reasons, but do you think you c-“

“No.”

She blinked, taking a moment to think before responding. “… no? What do you mean?”

“(Name), do you seriously expect me to help him after everything he put you through? For gods sake, you nearly killed yourself!”

The air grew thick and tense, and she could hear Leorio sigh over the phone. “I… I shouldn’t have said that. But my point still stands. How can you even think about helping him after that? The things he said to you… I care about you, (Name), but you need to think of yourself for once. I know you love him, but… there’s only so much you can do for someone that’s stuck in the past.”

She teared up, trembling. (Name) knew Leorio was right, she really did, but she couldn’t just leave Kurapika to potentially hurt himself or others. It wasn’t right. “Please…”

Leorio felt his heart leap into his throat when he heard how desperate she sounded. He knew just from the sound of her voice that she was crying. He slapped a hand over his forehead, cursing himself mentally for snapping at her. She was still in a very sensitive stage of healing, it wasn’t the right time to be saying these things to her.

“For me, Leorio… I couldn’t live with myself if I knew he got hurt…” she pleaded. He could picture the tears falling down her chubby cheeks, and her hands trembling as they held onto her phone.

He groaned, rubbing his temple. “Alright, alright… but I won’t be nice about it.”

She sniffled, and he was relieved when he heard a little laugh escape her lips. “Haha… thank you, Leorio. Be safe, love you.”

“You be safe, got me worried to death over here. I’ll come running if you need me, don’t hesitate to call my phone if you run into trouble on your mission.” Leorio said, his eyes softening as he looked at her contact photo.

“And… I love you too.”

She smiled, her finger hovering over the end call button. “Goodbye, Leorio.”

“Bye, sunshine.”

Leorio glanced at the address (Name) texted him before signing heavily. ‘He never thinks about how his actions will affect others, does he? There’s no way I’ll be nice to him about this.’

He put on his coat and made his way to his car, placing his cup of coffee in the cup holder. Leorio wasn’t going to let this slide.

Not at all.

———————

(Name) met up with the others at the airport, spotting Gon and Killua sitting together. As soon as they noticed her, the two boys perked up, Gon waving his hand with a big smile on his face. “(Name), you’re back!”

She put on the best smile she could. (Name) had tried her hardest to wipe away any evidence that she had been crying on her way to the airport, but Killua still raised an eyebrow when she got closer.

Gon was the one to point it out, though. “(Name)… are you alright? You look like you’ve been crying.”

A sigh left her lips before she could stop herself, the (h/c) haired woman waving her hand dismissively. “I’m fine, where’s Kite?”

She nearly jumped when Kite walked into view, almost as if he was summoned. Killua and Gon turned to face him as he began to speak.

“It may be a bit late to ask, but are you sure you want to come?”

“Of course!” Gon answered immediately, wearing his usual smile.

“You’re my nen teacher, I don’t have much of a choice.” (Name) said, folding her arms.

“You weren’t kidding about the “late” part.” Killua replied with a smirk.

Kite glanced at them before looking ahead. “We have no idea what the situation is like inside NGL. There may very well be a swarm of giant Chimera Ants already, hunting humans down. If that turns out to be the case, my priority will be saving them, so I may not be able to help any of you. You must be able to protect yourselves. If you want to come, that’s the requirement.”

With the last line, Killua spared (Name) a glance, his expression changing only enough for his closest friend to notice. “Okay, got it.” Gon agreed to Kite’s requirements, gently squeezing Killua’s hand. It was his way of saying that they would be okay, that (Name) would be okay.

“We’ll be fine.” Killua said, relaxing slightly with Gon’s comforting touch. Again he snuck a glance at (Name) who was looking intently a kite. Killua didn’t think she was weak, but he knew she wasn’t on their level of strength at all. Although he worried, he was confident that either him or Gon would be able to protect her if push came to shove.

This thought made the young assassin pause. ‘When did I come to care for her so much?’

He thought back to the Hunter Exam, remembering when she stepped in front of the woman who planned on killing him and got hurt in the process, or when she covered him and Gon in her cardigan to keep them warm during the Third Phase. She even let the boys stay at her apartment when they came for the York New auction, feeding and housing them for free. It wasn’t often that people showed Killua genuine kindness.

Unfortunately, Killua was used to working with a guve and take sort of relationship. ‘If I keep her safe during this, it’ll more than pay back for all the nice things she’s done. Then I won’t be in her debt.’ Killua thought to himself, trying to shake off the feeling of dread he had about her coming with them. Caring for too many people was a recipe for disaster, especially going into a dangerous situation like this one. The more you worried about others, the more likely you are to get yourself killed.

“Don’t worry boys, I’ll keep you safe.”

Killua felt his stomach sink at (Name)’s words. A soft, but firm hand was placed on both of their shoulders as she spoke. “I won’t let anything happen to you, not on my life.”

His chest hurt, it felt like he was having trouble breathing. Why was this woman that was obviously so much weaker than them so determined to keep them safe, when it was them who should be protecting her? Why did she put herself in harms way when she didn’t have to, when it didn’t benefit her? Killua didn’t understand, he couldn’t understand.

But… it made him feel strangely… happy. Someone in this world was determined to keep him safe, to keep him happy and warm and fed. No one had ever given him that type of security before. Sure Gon was his friend who he loved and cherished, but he couldn’t give Killua the type of love (Name) did.

The love a mother had for her son.

‘Mom…’

Killua looked at her a little differently, staying silent as Kite spoke up once more.

“And if I’m the one who’s in danger, you should escape without me.” Kite finished, looking between the three of them. “Got it?”

None of them answered, his words leaving them uneasy.

As they flew over York New city, the sun began to set before they knew it. (Name), Gon, and Killua watched as the sun set outside of the airship.

“What did you just decide?”

“Remember what Kite said before we left? That we should escape without him if he’s in danger.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it was a choice.”

“Yeah. That’s why none of us answered, but I’ve been thinking. Is it possible for Kite, who earned Ging’s respect, to be in that much danger?”

(Name) frowned, leaning against the wall. That was a question only a child would ask. Of course, regardless of skill, one could always be in danger given the right circumstance. There was always a bigger fish, someone was alway stronger than you.

“You said that Ging had a reason for bringing Kite and me together…” Gon said, glancing to Killua.

“Yeah.”

“You’re probably right. I don’t know the reason, but I can’t give up halfway, no matter what’s going on. Otherwise I’ll disappoint Ging. Of course, I could never forgive myself, either. So I won’t run away. Thats I’ve decided.”

Killua sighed. “Man, you had this totally serious expression, so I was expecting something big. But it’s just business as usual.”

“Huh? I thought about this a lot. I even ran a bunch of mental simulations…”

(Name) tried not to laugh imagining Gon trying his best to think of possible situations that may happen in the near future.

“Think all you’ll want, but you’ll still be Gon. If someone said you should abandon them, you’d never do it.” Killua replied, unable to keep himself from smiling:

“Mmm… you make it sound like I wasted my time considering it. Then what about you?”

“I’m a spontaneous guy, so I’d think about it when the time comes.”

“You mean you might run away?”

Killua paused for just a moment, his eyes moving from (Name) then back to Gon. He exhaled, shrugging his shoulders.

“Depends. I can’t say until it actually happens.”

“Say for instance…”

“I can’t tell you what is do in a hypothetical situation. I don’t decide until it’s time.”

The air ship carried the group heads for the Mitene Union, still unaware of the cruel fate that lies in wait for them…

————————

Seeking the giant Chimera Any, Kite’s group has arr he’s in the Mitene Union. Now, they travel from the Republic of Rokario to the neighboring GGL Autonomous Region. “NGL, huh? They believe living naturally is always better. They may be weird for living there, but you guys are weird for coming to visit, too. No idea what’s going on, but I’ve already driven in about ten similar groups today alone.”

“Ten groups?!” Gon exclaimed, turning to look at the man driving them.

“Yeah.”

“Then it sounds like we’re among the last to arrive.” Kite said, gazing out the window.

The all exited the van, (Name) groaning as she stretched lightly. “Ugh, my legs fell asleep. K-Kite!”

She held onto his arm, her legs shaking like a newborn giraffe as she tried to regain her balance.

“I told you to not sit on your leg, but you wouldn’t listen.” Killua teased, poking her leg. She yelped and nearly fell over, but was kept steady by a firm hand on her lower back.

“Those two huge trees serve as the checkpoint and embassy,” the driver said, pointing to the large trees ahead of them.

“Those may be the biggest trees I’ve ever seen in my life. Hmm…” (Name) walked towards them. “These probably hold so much history. Do you think they were around before the people living in this country?”

“Probably long before.” Kite answered, smiling softly as she waddled on ahead with Killua and Gon flanking her in case she stumbled. “Stay alert. The ants are a concern, but the NGL is more than a nature loving organization.”

“Got it.”

Two men met them at one of the trees, smiling in a vaguely friendly way. “What brings you here?”

“We’re on a hunt. A quarantined organism may have invaded this country.”

“If you are pro Hunters, then we cannot deny you entry. Follow me.”

They walked inside, where men were typing away on computers. “You’re using computers to and machines.” Killua said, staying near (Name)’s side.

“This place isn’t within NGL’s borders. This area is used for foreign relations and information exchange.”

“Are there any facilities similar to this within the country?”

“No, not a single one. No machines of any kind are allowed inside NGL. Naturally, visitors are also not allowed to bring any inside. Which means you’ll need to remove all metallic, petroleum, glass, or other such goods on your person.”

“D-Does that included my glasses?”

“Yes. If your clothes, belts, shoes, or underwear contain any plastic, chemicals, or metal you must remove.”

(Name)’s face heated up, and she took a step back. Both Killua and Gon didn’t seem very pleased, but stayed quiet.

“You’re kidding. You’re telling us to strip naked?” Spin said, popping her bubblegum.

“Don’t worry. There is natural clothing for sale upstairs.”

“Also, if there are any bolts inside your body, dental implants, gold, silver. Or silicone enhancements that cannot be removed, you will not be allowed to enter.”

(Name) accompanied the others upstairs, looking around the racks for suitable clothing. She was disappointed to see very sparse options in the plus size section. ‘Well, at least there’s something.’

She walked out, wearing a tanktop and baggy sweatpants. It wasn’t super flattering, but the clothes were strangely comfortable.

“Miss, you can keep your cardigan. It’s made with wool and died with beetroot juice.”

Killua and Gon watched as she happily donned her signature cardigan. “Ah, that’s fortunate. I really didn’t want to leave it behind.”

She walked down the stairs, joining the others. Kite watched as she smiled softly, gently patting her cardigan. “Only six of us are left?”

He glanced out the window. “I want you to stand by in the closest town. We’ll return here within two weeks and contact you.”

“Got it.”

The group was taken across to the other tree. “The checkpoint is over there. There will be a physical exam and interview as well as metal, x-ray, and ultrasound scanning.”

Kite sighed, surveying the area. “The security is rather strict.”

“Some people have smuggled in guns by hiding the parts inside their bodies. It’s common for people to hide cameras or cellphones in their rectums. Some people even trained animals to bring them laptops once they are inside.”

After thoroughly checking them, the woman gave them a friendly smile. “All of you are clean.”

(Name) sighed, looking as they stored away her medication, even her inhaler. Killua and Gon glanced at each other then to her.

“(Name), are you sure you should come without your inhaler? Leorio said it was very important that you keep it on you at all times…” Gon said, tilting his head.

She shrugged, buttoning her cardigan up slightly. “Meh, I’ll probably be fine… I just have to take it easy.”

“This isn’t exactly the place where you’ll be able to take it easy, dummy.” Killua replied, lightly smacking her head.

“Owie…”

She held her head and followed them as they were guided towards the entrance to the NGL.

“Thank you for your patience. Please pass through,”

The walked out, (Name) nearly being blinded by the bright light.

“Welcome to the NGL!”

The looked out across the landscape, being somewhat unimpressed. “Okay, let’s begin the hunt.”

———————

(Name) held on tightly to Kite’s waist, her face buried into his back. “I didn’t know you were scared of horses, (Name),” Killua teased from the back of another horse.

“I’m n-not afraid of horses, I just don’t like riding them!”

“They’re gentle creatures, you don’t have to be afraid.”

“Gon, I said I’m not afraid of horses! I’m afraid of riding on the back of a galloping creature with little to no way to stay secure!”

Kite glanced back at her, his hand gently taking hers. “I won’t let you fall, so don’t worry.”

She paused, her cheeks beating up ever so slightly as she buried her face further into his back. “Thanks… that might make up for you forgetting to teach me.”

He snickered. “I still intend to teach you, when we have the time.”

“Uh huh.”

Killua’s watched the interaction, his eyebrows furrowing. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it, he felt strangely protective over her, and he wasn’t as sure about Kite as Gon was.

They took a short break, Killua pulling (Name) over to sit with him and Gon while they looked over a map. “Woah, slow down. You’re pulling me too hard.”

“Sorry.”

He didn’t sound very sorry. She huffed, kneeling beside the two as they went over the map. As they spoke, she rummaged through her bag to hand out some water and snacks.

“They’re still following us, aren’t they?” Gon said, making (Name) look up. Killua nodded.

“Yeah… they claim to be here in case we encounter unknown tribes and require interpreters or intermediaries, but they’re obviously here to watch us.”

“Well, I never expected the people here to be of any help. My gut tells me that it’s here.” (Name) jumped slightly when Kite walked over.

“You really think so? The air does seem… off.”

Kite nodded, walking back towards their horse. “Yeah, let’s get going. We’re burning daylight.”

They continued on horseback, (Name) finding a bit of courage to look around. The area was desert like, so quiet a bit of dust was kicked up by the horses. She squinted her eyes, spotting a small dot of yellow approaching them.

‘Is that… no, it can’t be…’

“Kite, we have to stop!”

Kite brought the horse to a stop, the others following suit. As they looked to her for an explanation, one of the bees landed on her finger, a piece of paper stuck to it.

“This… this is one of Ponzu’s bees.”

Kite took the paper, reading over it before handing it to Gon and Killua.

The note read: “Help!! Chimera ant nest! Rocky Area, notify Hunter Association!!” along with a small drawing of said rocky area.

“It’ll be dangerous… but could you accompany me?” Kite asked looking to the three.

“Of course!” Gon said immediately, the bee landing on his finger.

“We’re pros…” Killua agreed, glancing (Name)’s way. He was hoping she would turn back, but when he noticed the expression on her face, he knew there was no way she would be leaving.

“Yeah… I’m going. I want to know if Ponzu is okay.”

Killua helped (Name) off of the horse, holding onto her hand. “Are you sure? Like Kite said, it’s going to be dangerous.”

He was hoping he could persuade her, but knew he couldn’t. When she wanted to do something, she would do it. “I’m sure. Thank you for worrying though, Killua.”

Killua felt his face go red as she ruffled his hair. Although he usually wouldn’t let people get away with treating him like a child… he didn’t mind if it was her. It wasn’t done to demean him or put down his accomplishments, it was purely because she cared about him, and he was beginning to realize that.

“Miss Interpreter… sorry, but we’re in a hurry.” Kite said to the woman that had been following them.

“Yes. The horses can move a bit faster.”

“They won’t be fast enough. I want you two to return to the border, find the others, and get word to the Association. These creatures are dangerous.” Kite said to the others.

“Got it.”

“Be careful, Kite.”

(Name) began to stretch with Killua and Gon, lacing up her shoes again and tying them extra tight. She wasn’t sure how long she could run for, but she knew she could keep up with them for a good bit.

“If you can’t keep up, I’ll leave you behind.” Kite warned, getting off the horse. Killua huffed.

“Right back at you.”

“All ready to go!” Gon said, smiling.

(Name) stood beside them, feeling a bit nervous. She looked between the other three, holding the straps of her backpack tight.

“Let’s go.”

She ran beside them, keeping up pretty well. As they raised through the desert area, Killua and Gon both kept an eye on her to make sure she was still following behind. They didn’t doubt her skill, but did worry over her due to her asthma. Not only were they running quite a bit, but they were kicking up a lot of dust as they did.

She was relieved when they came upon a forested area, the group stopping a bit ahead of her. Thinking it was for a break, she took out her canteen and took a swig, only to spit out her water almost immediately.

On the ground in front of them was a puddle of blood, along with torn bits of clothing… clothing that (Name) recognized. “No…”

Gon grimaced beside her, his hand reaching out to squeeze hers. It was a bit too tight, but she didn’t say anything, she was in shock.

Killua bent over. “This… is a bullet casing.”

(Name) turned to see him holding up just that, the bucket casing glinting in the light that shined between the canopy above. “Nothing mechanical is allowed here, right?”

“So the underground rulers of NGL were manufacturing guns in addition to drugs.”

“But, judging by this…”

“It wasn’t done by a human. Most likely, it was a Chimera Ant. If the Chimera Ants are using guns… I hate to consider the possibility, but it’s possible that NGL’s underground rulers have already been fed to the queen…”

(Name) was still in shock, dropping to her knees to tenderly pick up Ponzu’s hat. Her fingers traced the fabric, brushing away the dirt.

“What will happen if Chimera Ants are both with their genes? NGL and Chimera Ants… the worst combination imaginable. This could create an unprecedented biohazard.”

Killua watched her from a distance, feeling some strange heartache when he noticed tears falling down her cheeks.

“Do you think she’s… alive?”

Her voice cracked at the work alive, as if it was hard for her to imagine a world where Ponzu wasn’t alive. Killua and Gon shared a glance, preparing to speak but Kite beat them to it.

“It’s unlikely.”

It was like time stopped, the air around her growing too heavy to breathe in. She stared at the hat in her grasp, her hands trembling. “No… no she can’t be dead, there… there has to be-“

“(Name).”

Kite placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “We can’t sit here and speculate. If we don’t keep moving, the death count will keep rising, and your friend’s death would have been in vain. If seeing death is something you can’t handle, you should turn back while you still can.”

It was a bit harsh, but he wasn’t wrong. The road ahead of the would be full of death and destruction, and if she chose to walk that road she would have to be strong enough to keep moving, despite her losses.

She wiped her tears and stood up, pocketing Ponzu’s hat. “Sorry, I’m ready.”

Kite nodded, and they all began their journey again, this time in complete silence.

————————

In a town a few hours away from York New, Leorio drove down one of the winding roads as he glanced at the address on his phone. It was nearly midnight, and he had an important exam he’d have to take in the morning.

“You’re doing this for her, Leorio,” he mumbled to himself as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

(Name) never asked him to do things for her, no, she only asked for favors when it came to helping others. Sometimes he wished she would put herself first and let him be there for her more, but he knew that it would take some time for her to open up more.

Leorio stopped the car and peeked out his window, surveying the bar the address had led him to.

“Where is he? Melody told (Name) he would be-“

He stopped, his eyes landing on a slumped figure sitting on the sidewalk. Leorio knew exactly who it was, even though their face was covered by their long blonde hair.

“Kurapika.”

Leorio stood in front of the blonde, waiting as he slowly lifted his head. “Leorio? Why… are you here..?”

The man crossed his arms, staring down at Kurapika with the look of a disappointed father. “Come on, you can’t just sit on the sidewalk drunk. Where’s Melody?”

The blonde blinked slowly, his eyes half lidded as he looked up at Leorio. “Had to go watch Neon…”

Leorio’s lips formed into a tight line. “I’m assuming she took your shift to save your ass?”

Kurapika didn’t answer, instead hiccuping before sipping on a bottle of water that had been left beside him. Leorio knew it had to be Melody who left it behind for him, to help Kurapika sober up a bit. “Come on, I’m taking you home.”

The blonde didn’t protest, stumbling to his feet and nearly falling on his face before Leorio caught him. “Fuck, Kurapika, you’re wasted. What the hell has gotten into you?”

He didn’t answer, the smell of alcohol on Kurapika’s breath making Leorio grimace. Even through his anger, Leorio could sense something was wrong, that the person he had considered his friend needed help. “Whatever, come on.”

Leorio placed him in the passenger seat of his car, grabbing (Name)’s cardigan from the backseat and tossing it to Kurapika. It was cold, and Leorio’s car didn’t have heating, so that would keep him warm.

He just wasn’t expecting the reaction Kurapika would have to the soft clothing.

Kurapika’s eyes went wide, tears falling down his cheeks as he buried his face into the fabric, sobbing into her cardigan. “(Name)… oh, (Name)…”

This act made Leorio pause, his brows knitting together. He knew Kurapika had pushed her away for her own good, but he had still been unnecessarily cruel to the only person that had given him unconditional love since his clan was massacred. In Leorio’s eyes, he didn’t have the right to be sobbing into her cardigan and whimpering her name. Kurapika didn’t deserve to mourn her as if she was dead when she was still alive.

But Leorio still helped him to his hotel room, still held back his hair when he threw up, and still brushed Kurapika’s teeth for him so he wouldn’t have the taste of vomit in his mouth when he woke up. Leorio was a doctor, he couldn’t just leave him without something, so he tucked Kurapika in and set a glass of water and some pain relief medicine on the nightstand. It was all he could do, he had to leave so he could try and get some sleep before his exam in the morning.

As he left, he remembered that Kurapika still had (Name)’s cardigan. Leorio was about to take it back, but he watched as Kurapika snuggled into the fabric, the scent helping to calm down his racing heart. Leorio was far too kind, muttering under his breath as he closed Kurapika’s hotel door behind him. “I’ll just ask Melody to wash it and send it back tomorrow…”

Kurapika wouldn’t remember any of this encounter when he woke up, but he would be pleasantly surprised to be wearing (Name)’s cardigan in the morning.

Neither Leorio or (Name) would get that cardigan back, unfortunately.

————————

“It’s safe to assume that the Chimera Ants have assumed control of NGL’s interior. The question is if we can reach their nest before the Queen births the King.”

(Name) was having a bit of trouble keeping up, her chest was heavy with grief and regrets. Could she have saved Ponzu if she had come with her and Pokkle instead?

“Hindsight is always 20/20. Thinking of what could have been will change nothing,” Kite stated, as if he could read (Name)’s thoughts. The woman frowned deeply.

“I know… but… if I had just-“

Kite cut her off by holding up his hand. “But you didn’t. You’re here now, let’s focus on trying to honor your friend by saving as many lives as we can.”

She didn’t answer, simply allowing Gon to squeeze her hand gently. (Name) didn’t have the words or energy to properly respond to Kite. Her absence in her friend’s time of need weighed heavily on her chest, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever forgive herself.

“There’s still hope, (Name),” Gon said softly as they continued towards a small village. “You said Pokkle was with her, right? Maybe he’s still alive.”

She tried her best to smile. “You’re right, there is still hope. Sorry if I scared you, Gon.”

She knew better than most that Gon didn’t like seeing his friends lose hope. It was something that made the boy a bit anxious, and he’d often do as much as he could to make the other feel better. (Name) tried to keep her aura neutral as calm, to make sure he didn’t feel the need to comfort her too much. Gon was just a child after all, a child she wanted to protect. She couldn’t let her feelings of grief potentially put him in harm’s way.

That’s why, even as they walked through the abandoned village, she remained silent, a cold anger washing over her at the sight of torn and bloody children’s clothes and beloved dollies left behind in the dirt. No child would willingly leave their previous toy behind, and the clothes being the only thing telling them humans had been there was very similar to the state they’d found Ponzu in. Or well, what was left of her.

“No one’s here.” Gon said softly as his fingers traced the splintered wood of a destroyed door. Whatever had been there before them had the strength to tear down homes like shredding paper. “Hey… something smells. Coming from over there.”

The group followed a trail of blood, Killua instinctively sticking very close to (Name). It’s like his body could sense that she wasn’t as well equipped as them to handle the threat they would soon face, and he would need to have her at arms length in case something came at them.

They found several horses impaled on tree limbs, the sound of flies buzzing around they corpses and the smell of death becoming more pronounced the closer they got. (Name) covered her nose, gagging at the pungent odor hanging around the area.

“It’s like a morning sacrifice.” Gon said, making Killua and (Name) tilt their heads.

“A ritual practices by birds called bull-headed shrikes. They impale their prey on sharp objects such as branches.” Kite explained to the two, before they all turned their heads.

“HEY!”

Killua threw his arm in front of (Name), fueled by pure instinct. She yelped slightly, he hadn’t had time to hold back, so the blow to her belly stung quite a bit. She didn’t complain though, the sight of the creature appearing before them made her pain dull in comparison to the overwhelming fear she felt.

It was tall, possibly taller than Kite with a human-like appearance. The thing that set it apart was the strange legs and wing like limbs, along with rabbit ears, nose, and whiskers. The thing about it that scared her the most was the fact that it had been able to conceal its presence from them.

“What!?”

“Wh-what is that thing?”

(Name) pushed away the urge to pull Killua and Gon behind her, knowing that one wrong move could have that thing attack them within seconds. Her eyes didn’t leave the creature, not for a second. She had never felt so afraid, not even standing before the Phantom Troupe. At least they had been human, but she had no idea what this was, and the unknown was more frightening than anything else.

They were all on high alert, watching as it raised a hand to point at them. “Trash. Those are mine!”

It seemed to be angry that they were near its prey, the horses. That thing must have been what impale the poor things.

It launched towards them, so fast that (Name) could barely follow it with her eyes. Kite was its target, and when he easily dodged it, it came after them. It hit her, Gon, and Killua out of the way, the blow causing them to fly backwards several feet. (Name) nearly puked, and even Gon whined from the pain.

That sound made (Name) tense up, her aura spreading out to cover the two as she got into a fighting position. She didn’t have as much experience as Killua and Gon, but she would fight regardless.

The creature seemed focused on Kite, as he was the biggest threat, but he didn’t give the creature the time of day, instead disappearing from sight before reappearing behind the three. “Gon, Killua, (Name). You three must deal with him yourselves. This is a chimera ant soldier, we will encounter many more like him. I won’t be able to help you during combat. If you can’t defeat it, you’ll have to leave. You’ll just be in my way.”

The two boys nodded, their auras spiking as (Name) bit her lip. She knew Kite was right, he usually was, but she feared what may happen to them.

“Weren’t you listening, Kite?” Gon asked, his gaze focusing on the chimera ant.

“We’re also pros!” Killua added as they began to advance towards their opponent.

“Don’t treat us like kids!”

(Name) jumped slightly, holding a hand over her heart. She wanted to listen, but in her heart there would always be children to her. But she knew that babying them wouldn’t accomplish anything, so instead she stood by their sides, ready to fight with them.

(Name) attacked with them, barely dodging a hit that would have knocked her head clean off her shoulders. She used her nen to protect her body from another blow before reinforcing her fists and focusing all of her nen into her fist to punch him in the face.

The creature was dazed just long enough for Killua and to land a lightning based attack on him, paralyzing it so Gon could get a hit in with his own nen attack.

It was launched into the air, and before the could continue, it was scooped up by another Chimera Ant. It growled and roared, struggling. “Bastards! I’m gonna eat you! I will! Remember this!”

“Our attacks…” Gon whispered, his eyes still on the Chimera Ant.

“They didn’t work.” Killua finished, giving (Name) a look over before frowning.

Kite approached them, his aura calm. “That guy’s smart. He let his soldier do the fighting, so he could learn our abilities. Are you coming?”

They all turned to look at him, eyes wide.

“There’s no need to feel down. Your attacks weren’t that bad. You just need experience now. If you wish to become stronger, this is a perfect opportunity. But if you aren’t prepared, you won’t be able to endure the ordeal. Whether we win or lose, hell lied ahead of us.”

They glanced at each other, and (Name) knew that she couldn’t leave. Not when things like that chimera ant existed.

“We’re coming.”

“Yeah.”

————————

As the sun began to set, they came across the corpses of several NGL workers that ran the hidden drug factory. Although they weren’t good people, (Name) still said a quick prayer, hoping they would find peace after being slaughtered like animals.

“This is ugly… the stench alone would guide us to the corpses.” Kite said, looking over the devastation caused by the chimera ants.

“Look at this. So this is the hidden side of the NGL.”

Killua held up a gun, frowning. (Name) took it from his hands and set it back down, then took out her handkerchief and swiped it over his palms.

“I suppose so.”

They looked up when they heard Gon call them from the hill. “Killua, Kite, (Name)…”

The silence of the Drug factory overtaken by the Chimera Ants further intensified the chill in the air. There was no doubt that every human that had once worked there was now dead, the smell confirmed it.

(Name) sighed softly as they set up camp for the night nearby. It was far enough away that they could actually rest for a bit in shifts. As Gon and Killua slept, Kite turned to (Name).

“You did well during the fight, but I did notice you only used your basic nen practices. Is there a reason for that?”

She nodded. “Yeah, it’s because I don’t really know all that much about nen. I’ve got the basics down, but when it comes to anything more advanced, I’m not that knowledgeable.”

Kite winced, scratching the back of his head. “Ah, I have a feeling I’m to blame for that.”

(Name) smiled, glancing back at the two boys sleeping before giving Kite her attention again. “Mmm, I didn’t want to say it, but yeah.”

They both shared a laugh before Kite leaned back and sighed. “Alright, I guess this is a good opportunity to teach you some things, but let’s start you off by retaking the water divination test.”

She watched as Kite prepared the test, her fingers tapping nervously against her leg. “Relax, you took it once before, didn’t you?”

“Yeah… but I was alone. I… I was pretty sure the volume of water increased.”

Kite hummed in thought. “Well, with another person here to inspect the results, maybe I can pick up on something you didn’t.”

“Yeah…”

She held her hands over the cup, gently emitting her aura. Again, it seemed like the volume of water in the cup raised, but Kite seemed to notice something she didn’t. “Ah, so that’s what it is… I had a feeling you weren’t an enhancer, and I was right.”

(Name) tilted her had as he lifted the leaf in the cup, and was surprised to see roots stretching down to the bottom of the cup. “The reason the volume of water rose was because you were making this leaf sprout roots. You’re a specialist for sure, possibly with some kind of time ability…”

“B-but I thought… my ability was to heal…”

Kite shook his head, placing the leaf in her hand. “Keep using your ability and don’t stop until I say so.”

She nodded and continued, her eye widening as the roots continued to grow, and then shrivel up in her hand before turning to dust. “You have the ability to speed up time. It can be used to heal, but it can also be used to hurt.”

Kite tried to hide his concerned expression. This was quite the ability for an inexperienced nen user to have. As her teacher, he would have to report this to Chairman Netero for safety reasons, but as her friend… he was impressed.

“(Name)!” Gon whisper yelled, crouching next to her. Before telling her what he wanted to, he let out a yawn and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “It’s… your turn to sleep.”

“Ah, okay.”

She got up, but Kite caught her arm. “(Name), don’t forget what we learned tonight. I want you to try using your ability in your next battle.”

“Yeah… I will.”

She laid down in the sleeping back Kite brought, getting some much needed rest, feeling a lot more confident in herself, now that she knew what she was capable of.

————————

Kite, Gon, Killua, and (Name) had advanced deep within NGL, in search of the Chimera Ant nest, and have arrived at a cliff with peculiar openings.

“This is the Chimera Ant nest?” Gon asked, looking upon the former weapon factory.

“No, they don’t make their nests in holes. They use mud and feces to build them.” Kite replied, making the three wince in disgust. “Let’s go. You’ll understand once we’re inside.”

The lights along the tunnel flickered as they travelled through it. (Name) wrapped her cardigan tightly around herself, feeling the slight cool breeze blow past them as they ventured in further.

“There’s no telling when or from where they will attack. Be on your guard.” Kite warned.

“Yeah, got it. That other chimera ant completely concealed his presence.”

Killua’s reminder made (Name) shudder. It was frightening, thinking of beings they had considered animals being able to conceal themselves completely.

“Is this place…”

They entered a room with various numbered large vials stood, some shattered. Body parts were scattered on the floor, presumably belonging to the now fed NGL workers.

“Yes, it is NGL’s hidden side.” Kite confirmed.

“A drug factory.”

“Exactly. This factory produces the ingestible drug D2 which is spreading throughout the mainland. There are probably bila trees nearby, which produce its main ingredient. Ironic given their claims as preservationists.” Kite said with a scoff.

“They’re making more than drugs. Look.” Killua opened a box containing various guns. “It’s the same as the others.”

“I assume that only the NGL leaders know the truth of this place. The other members joined because they honestly loved nature. “

“So this facility is the center of NGL’s underground. If it’s empty…

Then Chimera Ants have wiped out the NGL underground. And a bunch of amateurs with guns won’t suffice to deal with them.” Kite finished Killua’s thought.

(Name) tuned them out for a moment as she inspected the guns, but was quickly stirred from her thoughts when Kite spoke.

“Shh, a few are around.”

She was immediately on guard, her body tensing as she stood among Killua and Gon. “They’re slowly approaching through the middle tunnel. There are more in the right and left tunnels.” Kite warned.

“En… how far can you search?” Killua asked as the approached the room.

“Everything within a 45 meter radius.”

“45 meters!?” Gon exclaimed, glancing around the room.

“Depending on physical and mental condition, I can increase that by a few meters. Here they come!”

(Name) prepared herself for the fight ahead, ready to test out her abilities for the first time.

[wayfayrr]

So this is very much a self indulgent mini-fic, venting about some stuff that I've been dealing with recently <3 I'm working on requests and some other fics but I got told to post this to get it off of my chest anyway @cloudninetonine @angry-trashcan thanks for the confidence boost to be able to post this

“Hey, you’ve been sitting over here for a while, you feeling alright?”

“Just been thinking… I was part of some drama before I was uh brought here. It’s just, it’s just messed with me a bit I guess. I’ll be fine when we need to start moving again, don’t worry wars.”

After a brief second of fabric shuffling, he sits down and leans on me. It’s an oddly comforting feeling, different too like he’s bothered by something? What could’ve set him off so badly?

“Would you mind if I asked you about it? It’s clearly bothering you so, you should get it off of your chest and well, I’d just like to help you through this.”

“If you really want to know, it’s a little complicated though and while I can make a lot of it make sense to you I’ll have to leave a couple of things out.”

“Sounds like you’re willing to get it off of your chest though, so would you care to explain it to me honeybee?”

He’s being more persistent than usual too, have I really been looking so badly bothered by my thoughts? The worry does feel nice however, it feels more like talking to an old friend than anything which is wonderful seeing as I’ve not been able to reach them recently. I’ve just been stuck rereading old messages in a new context while my phone endlessly buffers to reach impossibly far servers.

“It’s… I’d been having issues with this person for a while… they used me more than anything, kept asking me for advice and making everything about them and brushed anything I or my other friends were trying to say off and sent things they really shouldn’t to people unwarrented… and then everything else.”

“Everything else? You don’t have to cut yourself off, with how you’ve been acting the rest feels like it’ll be worse anyway.”

“They just - someone connected some dots and pointed them out to me and I just… I’ve been going back over what they said and - and - and it made me think. They told me they associated my voice with a character they always got weird over, they kept fawning over my accent and how they’ve only ever heard it in fiction before, they gave me weird compliments when I was talking about things I did as a kid and that’s not even getting me started on how they treated my friends. I just… I feel so disgusted, seeing it in this light. Every bit of my skin just itches with disgust towards myself. Sorry I didn’t mean to share so much at once - I’m just tired. They didn’t even like me, it was like they only wanted me for where I’m from.”

The way he stilled sent a shiver down me, did I say to much? He might have not meant it when he said I could share… I mean theres no way he could’ve known… or does he think I’m simply overreacting? I’m probably just overreacting anyway.

My heart started beating again when he softened and pulled me to rest on him.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that all. They’re the one who is disgusting, not you, never you. I’ll speak to time, you should just rest for the rest of the day. I can lend you my scarf and you can just have a nap or I could ask wild to make your favourite food and you can just rest.”

I didn’t get a say before he’s already draped it over my shoulders; he’s leading me back over to the others and setting me down next to sky as he goes to speak with time. 

“Hmm? Did something happen, are you feeling alright dove?”

“Ah well, wars is going to ask time if we can stop for the day because I’m just dealing with some memories. I hope it won’t bother the others.”

“I doubt it, everyone’s been tense and tired recently. I know I have, I’ve been about dying for a rest. Would you care to join me too?”

Leaning back against him is all the response he needs as my eyes flutter closed, he’s so warm and comfortable. There are few people I’d prefer to rest next to. 

><><><><><><

“So then old man, I think that’s a good enough reason to settle for the day, don’t you?”

I know he’ll agree, asking him like this is simply a formality. After all, how could we continue when a member of the group is in such a state? On the verge of tears just from thinking about someone for a little bit too long. 

“You’ve never asked this for anyone else, but fine.” “Thank you Time, I’ll pay you back for this.”

“And Wars?”

“Hmm?”

“Go take your anger out on something, it’s not a good energy in the camp. Not if they’re so fragile right now. There’s apparently a standard bokoblin camp just a little south.”

He’s seen right through me then, but now I don’t need an alibi for when I come back.

[lu-is-not-ok]

Let’s talk about K Corp Hong Lu

Look. He got me. He got me bad. I can’t explain just how badly he got me. There is so much I want to dissect about him. So you know what?

This is going to be my first Identity Analysis. Fuck it we ball.

Before I get into it though, let me make myself clear: unlike E.G.O Analysis, I will not be taking Identity Analysis requests. This is because Identities inherently come with A Lot more content to analyse, and it’s not really something I’m willing to sit down and do at the whim of anyone and everyone. E.G.O Analyses already take me a while to do. I hope you guys can understand that.

With that out of the way, let’s get into it. Cue Game Theory intro or some shit.

Let’s start with the obvious, K Corp Hong Lu’s uptie story and his dialogue lines.

While his uptie story serves mostly to introduce more lore about Class 3 Excision Staff, it does provide some additional context to Hong Lu’s situation in this specific Mirror World.

To summarize, Class 3 Excision Staff are effectively K Corp branded super soldiers, whose main trait is nigh invulnerability due to extremely heavy dosage of K Corp ampules. However, this comes at a rather ironic cost - this same dosage could instantly kill them if something within their bodies changes just enough to make them no longer compatible, rendering them extremely fragile to even something as mundane as dreaming. As such, they have to be kept in complete stasis when not deployed, to ensure their state is constantly stable and so that they don’t accidentally get fucking gooped from thinking the wrong way.

Effectively, they are forced to not exist outside of their purpose, as trying to could lead to their death. They have no freedom by nature of what they are.

Besides that lore dump, we also learn some interesting things about Hong Lu in that Mirror World.

For one, it’s his family who got him into this job. Specifically, his grandmother directed him here, stating she wanted Hong Lu to see more of the City and experience new things. A rather... odd motivation for putting your grandson in a position that stays stuck in a tube in suspended animation 90% of the time.

This is something the scientist in charge of waking Hong Lu up doubts it as well, wondering if Excision staff truly is the right position if that’s what she actually wanted for Hong Lu. Hong Lu, for what it’s worth, doesn’t seem to actually care about her motivations, claiming he’s fine with his situation as long as he gets to have new experiences. Put a pin in that, I’ll try to remember to go back to this.

Another thing we learn is that Hong Lu seems to react oddly to being put into complete stasis. It’s noted that he doesn’t seem to suffer from any side-effects upon waking up from suspended animation, and that him being able to immediately talk up researchers for attention is in no way expected behavior. However the process is meant to work, it’s implied to not be as simple as pressing the pause and resume button on a person.

Likewise, it’s noted as odd that he seems refreshed upon being woken up, implying that, again, this is not how it’s supposed to work, as Class 3 Staff doesn’t seem to be able to “rest” in the traditional sense of the word.

In fact, there’s something weird about him that I myself noticed that doesn’t seem to be directly pointed out. Hong Lu notes that he feels extremely bored when not deployed, saying that relieving that boredom is his reason for constantly chatting up researchers whenever he’s woken.

The thing is... by all means, Hong Lu shouldn’t be feeling bored. Being put into suspended animation is outright stated to put one’s consciousness into stasis as well, as subconscious thoughts are one of the things that could destabilize one’s ampule compatibility. Hong Lu, by all means, should not be cognizant enough of his surroundings and time spent in stasis to be able to be aware of how unoccupied he is during that time.

While it could very well be just a figurative figure of speech he uses to carry his point across (as Hong Lu isn’t exactly the most honest person in any Mirror World), the fact that there is Something Clearly Off about how he experiences stasis means there very much could be something more to it.

There is a chance that odd trait of his could be connected to the SP restoration abilities of his alternate versions. While K Corp Hong Lu is the second Hong Lu to not have any mechanics tied to restoring SP (Kurokumo Hong Lu being the first), it’s not impossible that for him specifically, they translate into something not applicable to combat.

Could it be that whatever is able to keep most other Hong Lus’ Sanity up is what’s causing him to potentially stay semi-cognizant in stasis? It might be a stretch, but I feel like the fact that it’s something that’s partially pointed out to us means there’s something more to it.

It would certainly explain a lot of his oddities. Why he’s able to so quickly bounce back upon being woken, why he seems to actually rest when in stasis, and why he seems to be aware enough of his time spent there to feel bored. For whatever reason, his consciousness seems resistant enough to not let itself be fully put into suspended animation.

Remember how I mentioned how Class 3 Staff has no freedom because of the nature of what they are. Well, I think this applies even more for Hong Lu in this specific case. Because of something inherent to him, he can’t be put into full stasis. Whereas other Class 3 Staff are able to stay blissfully unaware of their time spent stuck in their glass coffins, Hong Lu can’t. He perceives it, whether he wants it or not. In a way, he’s even less free than those who already have no freedom.

When it comes to K Corp Hong Lu’s dialogue lines, there’s something I want to note about their delivery. It seems to me that, in general, his dialogue lines carry notably less energy than the dialogue lines of his other Identities. There are a lot more lines where his voice is lowered, or in some way faltering, compared to other Hong Lus.

While most of the actual content of his dialogue lines is hinting at info we learn through the uptie story, there is some interesting things to note.

One - Hong Lu feels like it’s been a very long time since he began his job at K Corp. Hearing about daytime makes him reminisce about how he used to drink at that time of the day, and being asked why he joined K Corp he notes how it feels like it’s been ages ago, and even seems to be slightly unsure about it in fact being his grandmother who sent him there. ...Just how long has he been working there?

Two - Hong Lu’s desperation. It’s clear Hong Lu much prefers actually doing his job to sitting in a glass tube for days on end - he expresses excitement at the idea of being deployed more often, and takes joy in being able to breathe fresh air after a long while. He’s also notably down when he realizes Dante won’t talk to him anymore. However, the one line that stood out to me the most here is his Ex-Clear victory line, where he hesitantly pleads to have just A Little Bit of free time before he has to go back into stasis.

Now, time for the Fun Part. Time to look at the Sin affinities and try to dissect what the fuck they mean on IDs.

Before we talk about what Sin affinities K Corp Hong Lu has, let’s talk about one he doesn’t have - Lust. The Sin representing actions done to indulge desires or seek personal fulfillment.

I feel like this is extremely important, as every other Hong Lu ID has some Lust affinity in one way or another, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this specific one lacks it.

As a quick recap: Kurokumo Hong Lu has Lust as his Skill 1, Tingtang Hong Lu and Liu Hong Lu both have Lust as their Skill 2, and Base Hong Lu has Lust as his Skill 3.

To briefly summarize what I think this all means for each Hong Lu without getting into full Sin affinity analysis for all of them:

Kurokumo Hong Lu’s Lust represents how his actions seem at first glance. He’s acting according to his own desires and whims, not caring to follow other people’s orders if he doesn’t want to.

Tingtang Hong Lu’s Lust presents as a slightly deeper motivation. He seeks out a dopamine rush at every opportunity he has, diving head first into gambling and murder just to satisfy his desires.

Liu Hong Lu’s Lust is similarly a deeper motivation. He likewise seeks to indulge himself, though in his case it’s him fully leaning into the comforts his rich family enables him to enjoy, like the incredibly expensive tea he seems to be obsessed with.

Base Hong Lu’s Lust is what I’d like to call his Core Sin. At their very core, Hong Lu’s actions are driven by his need to have his desires be satisfied, whether it’s his curiosity, his wish for comfort, or his need for attention. That’s the main driving force behind who he is and what he does.

As one can see, Lust is Incredibly Important to who Hong Lu is as a person in every Mirror World. So, what does this mean for K Corp Hong Lu?

It’s bad. It’s Bad? It’s really not good.

Because this means that in his current situation, K Corp Hong Lu does not care to have his needs satisfied. In fact, I don’t think he’s even in a position to be able to care about that. He’s reduced to only truly existing as a tool, a weapon for K Corp to use, and when he has no purpose to fulfill he’s put into stasis that doesn’t even seem to fully work on him.

How would he even begin to try to fulfill his desires in such a state? He’s barely able to resolve his own by-now-probably-chronic boredom, to the point he actually enjoys his job. Hong Lu, whose Mirror Identities consistently mention either not liking to do what other people tell them to do or simply finding it more tiring to do something as a job than doing the same thing off-the-clock? You’re telling me That Hong Lu is actually enjoying his job?

Can you see why this Identity has been fucking with me so much?

But oh wait, we’re not done. Oh hell no we’re not done. We actually have to analyze the Actual affinities K Corp Hong Lu has, cause hoo boy they tell a story.

The Affinity of an ID’s Skill 1 usually represents what Sin that Identity’s actions present as upon first glance. In this case, K Corp Hong Lu’s actions present as Pride, as actions done purely for their benefit while the consequences are ignored.

This, I think, fits what we know about him pretty well. He finds delight in deployment regardless of the harm he has to inflict as part of his job, simply because it provides momentary relief to his boredom. Likewise, one could interpret the action of becoming part of the Excision Staff as prideful. Hong Lu remains in his position for the sake of “new experiences” (and because Granny said so), all the while ignoring the way he suffers because of it.

The Affinity of an ID’s Skill 2 usually reflects a Sin corresponding to an Identity’s deeper motivation behind their actions. For K Corp Hong Lu, this is Gluttony, representing the motivation of hunger, whether in the form of hunger for survival or hunger for more.

In this case, I think we can firmly place K Corp Hong Lu on the Survival part of the Gluttony duality. As I laid out way earlier, Hong Lu here has no choice but to do as K Corp tells him, as otherwise he will literally die. There’s also a way we can interpret it as part of his motivation for joining K Corp in the first place. If his grandmother wanted him to work here, did he really have a choice, or would the consequences of disobeying be far worse than what he has to put up with in here?

Then, there’s Skill 3. I interpret the Affinity of an ID’s Skill 3 as the main driving force of that Identity, their Core Sin, so to speak. For K Corp Hong Lu, this is Sloth, the Sin of apathy, resignation, and inaction.

This, I think, is where K Corp Hong Lu’s deal is truly revealed. He is fully resigned to his fate as a Class 3 Staff. It no longer matters to him to do anything but follow orders without question, because what else does he have left? Staying half-asleep in a glass tube for the rest of his life? Dying? No wonder he’s finding delight in deployment, he has literally nothing else. The only reason he’s not outwardly hopeless is, well, because he’s Hong Lu. And a Hong Lu will try to smile through everything, no matter how badly it hurts.

I also think it’s important to note that there is only one other Hong Lu ID right now that shares K Corp Hong Lu’s Skill 3 Affinity - Kurokumo Hong Lu. This might seem weird, considering Kurokumo Hong Lu’s whole thing is being staunchly against being ordered around... Except this quickly falls apart when you actually look at his actions. Yes, he complains and doesn’t respect his superiors, but. He still follows orders. He’s still good at following orders. As much as he hates doing it, he has no choice but to do it. And so, he’s also just as resigned to his fate at his core as K Corp Hong Lu is.

Now, with all of that being said, there’s one more thing I want to talk about here. What does this mean for Base Hong Lu. Our Hong Lu.

While Dante’s Notes very directly point out that Mirror World versions can be nigh unrecognisable in personality to their Base counterparts, I think it’s a mistake to fully dismiss them.

I think, in one way or another, the alternate Identities of Sinners are meant to tell us something about the Sinner in question, whether by implying something that they may be hiding, or by paralleling the Sinner’s situation in a more symbolic manner.

Remember that part I said to put a pin in? How K Corp Hong Lu doesn’t care for his grandmother’s motivations for making him take this job, since he’s getting something out of it?

That. That feels extremely important to me.

While you could definitely make the argument that in general K Corp Hong Lu’s whole situation could be a symbolic parallel to how his family treats him as nothing but an object that ceases to matter once its purpose is fulfilled (which I think still applies as well by the way), I think there is something more important here.

The idea that as long as Hong Lu is being cared for by his family, as long as he benefits in some way from having to bear the pain, he will not question their motivations and goals.

In a way, we already knew that. We already knew from Base Hong Lu’s dialogue that he still views his family positively despite the abuse he very likely went through at their hands. However, I think K Corp Hong Lu’s attitude here further confirms that idea. That as long as his family shows Some form of love towards him, he won’t question how horrible they have been to him.

Because if they love him, there’s no way they’re Actually being that bad towards him, right?

...

God Canto 8 is gonna hit way too fucking hard for me and not even deep-diving into Hong Lu can prepare me for it.

[klaprisun]

One Sunny Day

(Stardew Valley)(Haley x Female Farmer)

Chapter 17

The flag on my mailbox has caught my eye this morning as I go out to tend to my crops. Reaching in, I pull out a familiar looking piece of paper with writing scribbled on it.

Dear Danny,

Tomorrow we’re all gathering at the beach for the annual Pelican Town Luau

The highlight of the event is the communal potluck. Make sure you bring something good to contribute! The governor himself is attending the event, so make sure you’re on your best behavior.

Come to the beach sometime between 9am and 2pm.

- Mayor Lewis

“I only have until tomorrow to find something good?! Why is he telling us this so last minute!?” I shout.

All of my crops have been considered a hit in this community. After I had given Leah the cauliflower she had asked for during my first week here, she had spread the word that I have the freshest and tastiest fruits and veggies. That should mean that I shouldn’t be as worried as I am about finding the best thing to contribute.

I usually save the best looking crops from my fields for myself, so I decided I will go through all of those fruits and veggies before anything. Although, I will probably need help deciding on what to bring.

Slinging my backpack full of food containers over my shoulder, I head out the door. The closest person to ask that wouldn’t be busy today would be Leah. I don’t really want to bother Marnie today since she is probably busy with her store and farm.

The trip over was a short one since I’m pretty used to the walk now. I’ve been here for several months so the walking always feels like nothing.

“Hey Leah!” I call out as I swing open her front door. She has told me before I don’t need to knock since she considers me a friend.

“Oh, hey Danny!” She mumbles through gritted teeth. She seems to be very concentrated on carving a piece of wood. Elliot is also here, sitting on Leah’s bed with a book.

“Perfect! I’m glad you are also here Elliot. Both of you can help me out. That is if you have a minute there, Leah?”

“Whatcha need help with? Confessing your feelings?” Elliot mocks in a playful tone. He seems very intrigued as he has put down his book.

“I need help picking what to bring to the Luau tomorrow. Lewis gave me way too late of notice and I can’t decide what item to bring.

“I don’t know how you will pick. I know I’m biased, but I think everything you have grown is good,” Leah chimes in while still working away.

“We just have to decide on ONE thing. I’m sure we can do this. I’ve brought enough samples for us. I had just cut up one of everything I had, but left a full thing of each item back at home for whatever food we decide on,” I explained to them.

“Well I guess we better get started then. I’m at a good place to stop,” Leah leaps off her stole and makes her way over to her table around the corner. Elliot and I joined her.

                                                    🌻 🌻 🌻

“Danny, I don’t think I can eat anymore,” Elliot groans, holding his stomach.

“But we still haven’t decided!” I reply with a mouth full of strawberries. I reach over to grab a handful of blueberries to shove in my mouth.

“I don’t know why you are doubting yourself. Anything you bring will be the best, I guarantee,” Leah says.

“I just don’t want to let everyone down. The governor will be here and everything, I just want to make a good impression with everyone,” I sigh.

“You’ve already done so much for the town,” Elliot begins, “everyone thinks you are the best we promise.”

“You’ve already made good impressions with everyone in town, don’t worry about what the governor thinks,” Leah adds.

“Knock Knock!” Someone sing songs from the front door area. The three of us exchange glances, wondering who it could be. We hear the door shut and footsteps approaching the corner.

“Oh no, am I missing out on a party?” Emily frowns as she rounds the corner.

“Want to help us pick out which food item Danny should bring tomorrow?” Elliot invites Emily in on the taste testing. He is trying to be sneaky and get out of helping, but he isn’t fooling me.

“Actually, I’d love to! I was just dropping off this shirt Leah needed fixed,” She holds up the shirt she had in her hand. Without another thought, she chucks it onto Leah’s bed that’s across the room and takes a seat at the table with us. “What’s on the menu!”

We go through the entire process again, this time with Emily. Elliot has stopped eating and retired to the bed with a book as he was when I walked in.

“Honestly…” Emily starts as she swallows her bite, “I can’t decide either. Do you mind if I bring the leftovers to Haley and see what she thinks? She is picky and if Haley likes something, you know it’s good.”

“Uh–um- yeah… I guess you can do that. It’ll help us decide that’s for sure,” I stutter.

“Wonderful! I will send her over to your place with your containers once she tries everything.” Emily bounces up off the chair, gathers every container into her arms, and walks out. I had to get the door for her since she had her hands full.

“You should bring yourself over there for her to taste test as well,” Elliot jokes from the bed, not even looking up from his page.

I feel my face get warm, so I start looking out the window so they can’t see me blushing.

“You didn’t deny it!” Leah chuckles as she goes back to her sculpting.

“I guess I should head back to my place and wait around for her, huh?” I utter. I anxiously tap my knuckles together a couple times.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” The two of them call out in unison as I make my way out the door. I then hear them yell “jinx” to each other as I shut the door.

I do not have enough patience to wait around all day without having something to do. But the thing is, when I know something is supposed to happen in a day, I can’t get myself to do anything except wait around.

I find myself kicking the dirt around on the ground, tossing rocks into a small pond at the corner of my farm, checking each individual crop for a sign of growth, and even picking up random acorns and pinecones. It was a full day of useless activities that did not help with anything in the slightest.

The sun has made its way across the sky, and is now barely peeking over the horizon. It casts a pink, orange, and yellow glow over the earth, with just a touch of purple from the darkening sky. I can faintly see a few stars twinkling already. The whole day had gone by, and even though I was doing mundane and weird things to pass the time, it really flew by. There was still no sign of Haley.

I take a seat on the ledge of the porch of my house, tracing my boots in the dirt to make random pictures. When I give up on that, I lean back and lay down with my legs still hanging over the ledge of the porch.

It was definitely not an exhausting day. It wasn’t even a remotely tiring day at that. But for some reason, I had fallen asleep on my porch waiting for Haley.

I woke with a start as I realized what I had done. The air has cooled significantly, and I cannot see anything around me. It was pitch black with the darkness of the night. The stars were twinkling more visibly now, and I could now see just a faint sliver of a moon.

“Shit Shit Shit,” I frantically cry out. My eyes finally adjust to the darkness. To my right, I notice a pile of containers. My containers. There was a little piece of paper on top that I immediately snatched to look at. In the neatest, fanciest writing I have ever seen, it read:

Danny,

I didn’t want to wake you, so I just put your containers here and ran home to write you a letter since I wasn’t sure when you’d wake. I was told you couldn’t pick what you wanted to bring to the Luau tomorrow, and wanted me to help you decide. I thought everything was absolutely amazing and it was definitely tough for me to pick. Although, I think you should bring a Melon. That had stuck out to me the most. It definitely had a gold star taste!

From my heart to yours,

Haley

P.S: I hope you're dreaming of me! ♡

[mxtantrights]

Bounded by shadow and blood (7)

This part is on the larger side. strap in!

The day had finally arrived. You were set to visit the night court. Of course this came with some stipulations. You were to be escorted by someone in the inner circle at all times. They would take you to and from your lodging, which they had sought out for you. And you would be visiting as a non-diplomatic, Amren had swayed them enough to think this was a personal visit. 

A personal visit with baby-sitters.

There’s a series of knocks on your door. You know it’s not Thesan, he wouldn’t knock unless he knew you weren’t decent. So while you rule out Thesan, and Amren because she too would just walk right in, you cannily think of one other person who would knock and be looking for you right now.

Azriel.

“The door’s open.” You say.

The creak of the wood lets out know it’s being open. You are still fitting in a few shirts into your travel bag before your turn around to face him. He stands there, leaning against the archway of the door.

“Are you ready to go?” He asks.

You pick up on the urgency in his voice. 

“What, is the carriage going to turn into a pumpkin?” You ask in response.

He passes you a look of indifference first before he crosses his arms over his chest. He probably doesn't get the reference. The kids back home told you the fairy tale a couple of years ago. Maybe the version he knows isn't the one that was told to you.

You shouldn’t pay attention to how good it feels to get under his skin but you do.

“I’m almost done. Just need to grab something really quick.” You answer.

You close up your bag and place it on the floor. Then you kneel down by your bed and place your arm underneath the mattress. There, tucked in-between the sheets, is your favorite weapon. Part of it at least.

You wrap your hand around the hilt of the sword and pull it out. When you get back up you catch Azriel’s stare.

“I’m not going to explain myself.” You speak.

“I wouldn’t dare ask you to.” He replies.

Huh. You tuck the hilt into the inner pocket of your jacket and pull it on over you. You grab both of your bags and meet Azriel at the door. He offers to take one of your bags. You don’t know why he’s being nice, maybe something to do with knocking you off your mark. But you won’t deny him holding a bag.

You give him the heaviest one and he almost lets out a groan at the weight of it. You can’t help the laugh that comes out of you.

“Don’t worry the carriage won’t topple over.” You joke.

“There is no carrige.”  He says.

You look at him confused, but before you can ask him what he means by that you see movement. His other free hand comes into contact with your elbow. You don’t flinch at his touch since you saw it coming.

But all at once everything around you changes. A darkness swallows you whole. You recognize it as winnowing. Thesan had told you about it but you never experienced it for yourself. 

When the darkness started to dissipate your surroundings were different. You weren’t inside anymore. You were in some back woods of some kind. The trees being a dead giveaway. 

“Is your court in the woods?” You joke.

“No, but I do have to ask you something before we go there. Two things.” He says.

You nod your head for him to continue. You also realize that he’s still got his hand on your elbow. You don’t know why he hadn’t moved it if he wasn’t going to winnow you at this very moment.

“Your mind doesn’t seem to be susceptible to Rhysand’s powers. But should anyone ask you what you’ve seen, will you lie?”

At that you take a step back. His touch leaves you as you create distance between the two of you. Lie about what you’ve seen? What was going on here? Why would you lie for them? 

“You’re keeping secrets.” You say.

“Will you lie, yes or no?” He asks again.

You think about it for a moment. If you say no you will not get entry into their court. And you couldn’t look for your brother like the way you intend. 

If you say yes, you give them some sense of security. That you will do their bidding for them. That they have an ally in you. But that will probably make them want to know more about you.

“Yes.” You answer.

“Good.” He comments.

“What’s your other question?” you ask him.

Azriel clears his throat, “Are you running from someone?”

You let another moment pass. What kind of question was that? And why would you answer that honestly? It’s not like he would help you if you were, but you aren’t. None of them besides Amren would help you. They don’t know you.

“No.” You answer simply.

“Good. Let’s go then.” He says.

You meet him where he’s at. He places his hand on your shoulder this time. The darkness surrounds the both of you again for, you don’t even know how long, until it disappears. 

You look around you now. You were inside again. You set down your bag, Azriel sets down the other one. You look around. The space wasn’t as big as you thought. It actually looked nothing like a palace,. 

“I thought all high lords lived lavishly.” You say.

“They do, but you won’t be staying with the high lord. This is one of the town houses.” He answers. 

There it is. They don’t trust you enough to put you under the same roof as them. You knew it already. But to have it reinforced like this was another thing. You really had to make this visit as clean and clear as possible. 

“Tell the high lord I said thanks. Will Amren be meeting you here?” You ask.

Azriel nods, “Later on, for now I’ll be your escort.” 

You roll your eyes, “You mean babysitter.” 

“Whatever works for you.” He adds on.

You reach down and pick up both of your bags. 

“If you could point me to my room. I am awfully tired from all that traveling we did. I should rest and wait until Amren comes.” You lie.

You know he can tell that you’re lying. He’s a spymaster. He could probably pick up on things that you hadn’t noticed about yourself. An extra blink, a change in your voice. 

“As you wish. You have the last room on the right.” He answers.

You leave without another word. You walk with your bags down the long hallway. You turn to the right, the last room. The door is already opened. The bed is made and everything looks done up. 

You turn your head to Azriel who is still standing where you left him.

“Your’e excused, shadow singer.” You say with a smile.

You doubt he’d actually leave you alone. But it wouldn’t hurt to rub it in his face one last time.

-

You lay on the bed and think of all the places your brother could have went. If the night court was this surveilled, there aren’t many places he could have went.

Correction, theres aren’t many places that aren’t seedy and suspicious where he can just stroll into. If he came here, it’s likely that he left already. But you have a thought that he never came here to begin with.

You’re only here to prove to the council that he was no longer in the night court. That way they could widen their search and actually do something useful instead of bide their time until you would have to take the throne.

You reach into your pocket and pull out the hilt to your sword.

It’s a family heirloom. Only blood benders would find it useful. The blade is meant to come from your powers. You blood is the blade.

Without it, it’s just a hilt. A very expensive hilt with ancient carvings but that’s about it.

Your brother has one just like it. And like calls to like. If he used the blade or his abilities in this court, you would be able to tell. There would be traces of it. All you have to do is draw a bit of your blood and set an intention.

Which would be easy to do if you didn’t feel like you were being watched. The shadows, multiple at this point, were restless underneath your door. Just like the one that had been at your door in the dawn court when he arrived for the mission.

His shadows reminded you of an ancient magic you read about when you were younger. Cyril wanted you to know everything there was to know about the world. And if that meant skipping princess duties, you agreed. 

Back to Azriel, his shadows seemed to draw from the old elder magic. Blood, Shadow, Light and Dark. The natural elements. 

Just like your blood tells you things, you have no doubt that his shadows speak to him. If you use your blood to figure out where your brother is, they would no doubt run and tell him.

You tuck the hilt back into your inner pocket and get out of bed. Swinging your feet off the bed and walking to the door. You watch as the closer you get the shadows seem to retreat. You pull the door open and stomp down the long hallway, following the shadows. 

You follow and follow until they lead you right to him. You didn’t really need to follow them to know where he was. His blood was the only other pumping in the house. He’s standing in the kitchen, peeling an apple with a knife. He doesn’t even acknowledge your presence. 

“Call your shadows off.” You say.

He looks at you for a moment. Then he goes back to his apple peeling. You want to walk over to him and just—provoke him. How he could be this still and emotionless is beyond you.

“All my shadows are right here.” He answers you.

“No they weren’t. They were at my door, listening most likely.” You complain.

Azriel looks at you then. He looks like he’s shocked. You think to yourself that he can’t be all that shocked that his shadows were spying on you, he was doing it himself. 

A shadow curls at his ear and his eyebrows knit in the middle.

“I’m sorry. That’s never happened before. They usually listen to me.” He admits.

Usually? 

You shift on your feet. So he might not have done it on purpose. But he’s still spying on your just the same. Like he did when he first showed up at the dawn court. 

“Do you know when Amren is coming?” You ask.

His face returns to neutral and he shrugs his shoulders. He goes back to peeling his apple. At his lack of response your eyes squint at him. Maybe she was not coming any time soon. Maybe this was all some sick ploy to watch you closely.

“She knows I’m here right?” You ask.

Azriel scoffs, “Of course.”

You don’t know if you can trust him to tell you the truth. You don’t know much of anything anymore. One thing you do know, you don’t want to be empress. You cannot be empress. 

You never wanted that life.

Azriel stops peeling his apple and you look to see why. In front of you you see a beed of blood on his thumb. He looks at you then. He’s staring right at you. Like he wants you to use your abilities. 

But you won’t. You keep looking him in the eyes. They weren’t as dark as his hair or his shadows. They were a lighter brown. Why do you notice this, there's not a good enough answer right now.

It seems like he wants to get under your skin as well.

The front door opens and and Amren introduces her presence in the house. Azriel ends the long eye contact and takes his thumb into his mouth, sucking the blood. You watch as he walks right by you, out of sight.

You think to yourself, what just happened?

[beauty-and-passion]

Two last words on the future of Sanders Sides

There is one last thing I wanted to talk about and I would like to do it in a separate post, so you can add your thoughts and we can talk about it here.

However, I also would like to avoid explaining the basics to children - i.e. why criticism is useful, that you can criticize something you love and that doesn’t mean you’re entitled, that constructive criticism is different from complaining, that criticism isn’t a personal attack on you/your loved ones and so on. I already explained these things in the past and I don’t want to repeat myself.

So if you’re old enough to understand all of this and accept to listen to some criticism, you’re welcome here. If you cannot bear it, just ignore this post. Don’t worry, I won’t get offended: we live in a free world, after all :)

So.

We all know Mr. Sanders is taking a lot of time, before releasing the season 2 finale. And we also know he’s doing other stuff, posting other videos, working on other projects and doing things in his real life too.

And that’s perfectly good. He’s free to do whatever he wants, both in his life and his work.

There is only one thing I am asking for regarding Sanders Sides, something I think he owes his followers too: transparency. Honesty. Not content, not to work on Sanders Sides only, not to follow my headcanon. Just pure, simple, free-of-charge honesty about the project that gave him most of the popularity he has today.

It took Thomas three years to finish three parts of a four-part finale: that’s the last official information we got about the SaSi main storyline. And we got it not because Thomas talked about the creative process behind the series, but because he threw this information first in a tweet talking about finishing part 3, then in a cryptic Instagram post about finishing the draft of part 1. Chronological order? Never heard of her, apparently.

But let’s put the organization problem on the side, because that’s not a novelty coming from Mr. Sanders. And let’s ignore the 200th red flag of him not wanting to talk about Sanders Sides' finale and throwing info around instead. Let’s focus just on the information that, as a writer, I find the most concerning.

If Mr. Sanders needed three years to write three videos, that means he needs one year to write one video. So he will probably need another year to write part 4. And then he has to film/edit everything and that means he will probably need another year - or more.

Therefore, in the best-case scenario, that means we will get the first part of the season 2 finale in 2025. And that’s the best-case scenario.

Okay, you may say, that doesn’t sound too bad. I mean, we waited three years, we can wait more.

Sure we can, we can wait forever if we want to. But there are two big problems: one regarding the finale itself, the other regarding the future of the series.

_________

1) The writing is taking too much time

From personal experience, I know that if writing something takes years, it’s not a good thing. And I’m talking about the specific writing part here, not the research or planning part: research/planning can take a very long time and that’s perfectly fine and normal, but the actual act of writing shouldn’t take this long. If that happens, then there’s something wrong. And usually, this shows in the final result, which is never worth the wait.

The thing is: the longer it takes to write something, the more time/memory problems will occur, i.e. inconsistencies, missed elements, personality swings etc. You know, like the ones we saw in the last Asides. And these problems become 10x bigger, without a clear outline to follow.

But hey, you may say, maybe everything is already planned! Maybe it’s taking this long, just because Thomas doesn’t have enough time to physically write!

Well, that opens another box of questions and (imho) bigger problems:

if he doesn’t have enough time, then why is he the only writer? Can’t he share his writing responsibilities with someone else?

if he’s not the only writer, then who is the other writer - or writers, if they exist? A competent expert or one of his friends? And if it’s one of his friends, then why can’t an influencer with his numbers hire an expert, who will be faster at writing, better than him and, most importantly, bias-free and not influenced by the fandom?

how does the writing process work in his team? Is there even a writing process or not?

how does his team actually work? What do they do? Is there at least one expert hired by Thomas or is the team made of just his friends?

seriously, why doesn’t he hire an expert? What did experts ever do to him? Is it so hard to find experts in the US?

And before any of you say “but he doesn’t have money”… please. Please. I saw people with way fewer numbers, followers and influence making better decisions. And they always start by hiring experts, whether they are managers, editors, cameramen or creative team members.

Also, he lives in the US, not on an island in the middle of nowhere. He can find experts if he wants to.

_________

2) The passage of time

In 2025, Mr. Sanders will be 36 years old. And if he needs even more time to release all four parts of the season 2 finale, he will easily reach 40 by the time the fourth part is out.

Age shouldn’t be a problem, everyone should be free to do anything whenever they want. But that doesn’t apply to Sanders Sides, because Sanders Sides isn’t animated: this series has real faces - Thomas’ face. And Thomas is getting too old for the roles he’s playing.

Sanders Sides’ main theme is knowing more about yourself. The theme is relatable for all ages, so the problem isn’t the theme per se. The problem is the type of characters, which cannot work for a man in his 40s.

One example: Virgil. He was still credible as an emo adolescent when he was 20 and he’s still more-or-less credible now that Thomas is 30. But will he still be credible, when Thomas is 40? Or will he look like a cringey grown-up playing the “I’m young!” part?

Sure, some men have that superpower of cutting their beard and looking immediately 10 years younger… but it cannot work forever. Thomas is growing up, he cannot revert the biological clock and look just like he was at 20.

And that’s perfectly fine, because everyone deserves to grow up, change and become more beautiful. But that also means getting too old to portray these characters and make them look credible.

So either Thomas ends the series before he reaches 40, or he shifts it into a much more mature direction, to keep up with his physical growth.

But doing that means a) losing his younger followers and b) switching from a more carefree approach to heavier episodes. And right now, I doubt this is the direction he wants to push his work to. He’s clearly more interested in small, low-effort videos and in pursuing carefree stuff like Roleslaying. And I completely understand why. Small videos don’t take a long time to make and he can talk about anything he wants, while Roleslaying has an already written story and Mr. Sanders doesn’t have to act it: he just listens to it and plays along with his friends. Also, Roleslaying has different, animated faces, so when Thomas is 40 or 50, Roman of Reston’s face will still be that of a 20yo guy. It’s much more convenient, compared to a series with a continuative plot he should keep up all by himself and heavy themes to discuss.

If I were him, I would close Sanders Sides' main storyline with the season 2 finale. Introduce Orange, wrap everything up the quickest/simplest way possible, solve all problems, the end: the series is done, you can move on/focus on the Asides.

If Thomas truly ends Sanders Sides' main storyline with the season 2 finale, I wouldn’t complain - and I highly doubt others will have much more to say. Sure, we can always complain about the abrupt end, the pitiful disorganization and the writing, but at least the main series will be over and no one will be left hanging around for eternity.

However, I don’t think Thomas will ever take this route either, because it would require enough self-awareness to realize he’s not able to handle this series and, most importantly, that he doesn’t love it as much as before. Oh, and let’s not forget that Sanders Sides is his golden goose and he clearly doesn’t want to give up the profit he makes from it.

That probably means he will never be transparent either. He will never sit down and make a video, to explain his feelings about this series. He will never clarify how the writing process works. He will never admit he doesn’t consider SaSi important anymore. He will never give proper answers. After all, he had multiple chances to do it and he never did. At this point, I doubt he will ever do it.

This is, deep down, the reason why I wanted to write my take on season 3. Because I know Mr. Sanders will never do anything of this. He will never talk about religion so openly, show something violent like a punch or normal like a kiss. I doubt he will ever address any mature topic at all. Or that he’ll be able to wrap up all the loose threads in a satisfying way, considering that, in the last Aside, he basically ditched them all.

So, I decided to write this. And by writing this, I proved myself a couple things:

That you can write something in less than 3 years. And no, that doesn’t prove I’m better than Thomas: it just proves I committed myself to this project until the end. And, in order to do that, I didn’t need to undergo 24-hour-long writing sessions either: I wrote a little bit every day, even just one single page. It was a daily effort, not a tour-de-force. And I focused on that project only, not on 20 at the time.

That you don’t need money to write. I didn’t spend one single cent to write FSS3. All I needed were a pen, some paper, a computer and willingness to commit. The computer might be a bit more expensive, but I can assure you the other things are all very cheap.

That an outline should always be the top priority. Sanders Sides has so many themes and loose threads, that closing them all without a proper plan would be insane. Heck, it was difficult for me even with an outline, just imagine without it!

But most importantly, I needed closure. After three years of nothing but empty promises, I wanted an ending. Or rather, a satisfying ending. An ending without loosened threads, an ending that wraps all these characters and gives them the growth they deserve.

And I know this probably wasn’t your perfect ending. You probably would change some things here and there - and that’s great, because you can do it. You can use FSS3 as a base from which you can start building your own ending. Now you know it’s possible to do it. Now you know you can do it, if you want.

So if you need closure, if you feel sad and angry or if you’re just full of ideas… do it. Write your own ending. Get your own closure. You deserve it.

While speaking of the canonical main series, I really REALLY hope to be proven wrong, but all Mr. Sanders is doing proves how much he doesn’t care about this series as before. He doesn’t even want to mention it anymore. Instead of acting like an adult, accepting his responsibilities and apologizing for taking this much time, he keeps showing the series under the rug and complaining every time someone lifts said rug and makes him watch what he left under it. And he does it in the most pathetic, childish, manipulative way possible.

That’s not what an adult does, let alone an adult who doesn’t feel guilty. And that proves he knows he’s not doing the right thing with SaSi. He knows he’s taking too much time and he's aware he doesn’t know how to handle the main series anymore.

So, instead of facing the truth, he ignores it, refers to the series only once in a while, uses it for jokes, flattens the plot and the characters’ personalities. Every anniversary, he talks about SaSi as if it’s something in the past. He doesn’t even mention it as part of his projects anymore. On the contrary: he started 2 whole new projects, instead of finishing the one most of his people want to see.

And that’s even more sad, considering how great the concept of SaSi is. This series has a ton of potential and wonderful characters. It can delve into deep, dark and mature discussions. It can explore relatable aspects of life and present themes people can discuss about. It’s perfect for a fandom.

But hey, if Mr. Sanders fell out of love and/or isn’t able to handle it, I do not blame him. Everyone can fall out of love with a project or not being able to handle it. No one is an expert on everything, after all.

The only thing I blame him for is the lack of transparency. It’s his inability to be open and honest with the public. It’s the lies and omissions, his hiding something and pretending it doesn’t exist anymore.

So, since Mr. Sanders seems unable to move on, I don’t want to get stuck waiting forever for him to grow up. I have other things I want to talk about, other stories I want to criticize and some I want to explore with you.

Starting from 2024, my blog won’t be just Sanders Sides-themed anymore. I will still follow this series and its fandom because I love them both (also, I might end up writing a new fiction in the future, because I love these characters too and want to give them a mature development), but I want to expand as well. I want to talk about a hilariously bad webcomic, a meaningful manga and explore a whole new series. And those are just the first three projects!

(And yes, I want to talk about the Book of Bill too, this summer. So... four projects)

If you’re a fan of Sanders Sides, don’t worry: I will still be around to talk about stuff, episodes and details of the series. And when the season 2 finale comes out, I will be there to analyze it and, if necessary, criticize it. Sure, it won’t be a full analysis nor a full critique, because I will need all four parts to do that, but I can give my two cents on each part. And I will do it even if I’m not invited, as always <3

If you do not care or do not want to follow me anymore, you're free to go. I do not want to keep you on a tight leash forever.

But if you're curious and still want to follow me, get ready: 2024 will be a busy year ;)

Thank you all for this beautiful year, thank you for your time, your appreciation and your nice words. I can't wait to meet you all in the next one.

Happy 2024

❤️

( Support me on Ko-fi )

_______________________________

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[annalu86]

A second go at a first date.

Tim is not against public displays of affection. Within reason.

He actively likes holding hands with women he is in a relationship with.

He’s been known to put his hand on a lower back, or an arm round a shoulder

And maybe even a quick hug.

He likes to think it was because he was a gentleman, he would tell his partners their relationship was no one else’s business but he was beginning to believe that maybe he’d never been in a relationship where he just couldn’t keep his hands off the other person before…

He has the feeling Lucy is really going to answer this question for him.

Of course in this moment he’s not thinking any of this, he’s not thinking at all. Sitting as close to Lucy as possible in these uncomfortable metal chairs, food forgotten in front of them.

One hand on her knee, the other in her hair. The kiss had built and built, the idea that the other food truck patrons or passers by might see them had not crossed his mind.

The minute she had told him, in that fancy restaurant during their disastrous first ‘first date’, that she wanted them to have their first “real” kiss he had thought about how much he wanted to finally be the one to take control.

The first peck, back in her apartment all those months ago, an embarrassment he needed to make up for. Lucy had followed that very first kiss up with 2 of the most heart racing, knee buckling kisses Tim had ever experienced. He had something to prove.

Not that he was competitive or anything but, he had to at least level the playing field.

It was Lucy who pulled back first, out of breath, flushed cheeks and red lips. She placed her hands on his chest as he reflexively leaned forward to chase another kiss.

“Let me breathe” she giggled slightly and he worked to contain the slightly smug grin that threatened to take over his face

“Sure thing” he leaned back in his chair not taking his eyes off her. He picked at his food as she took a deep drink from her can.

For several minutes they both sat in silence, gazes soft, gentle smiles.

Lucy starts to lean forward in her seat and Tim forces himself to remain still, to focus on the way her hair falls forward over her shoulders. How her smile quirks up on one side as she watches his reaction intently. Her hand reaches up and round to the back of his neck and his eyes close, briefly, at the light touch she leaves on his skin.

Goose bumps erupt on his skin as she trails her finger tips down his neck and along his collar bone. She pauses, momentarily.

“Lucy” it comes out as a whisper when her finger tighten around the collar of his shirt and she draws him firmly to her.

Tim is the first to pull away this time, he feels like he’s losing a battle of wills. Against his own hands. Touching Lucy is a heady mixture of electrifying and familiar. New, but also as it had always been. He knows how her soft face will fit in his hand because he knows every inch of her face as well as he knows his own.

But her words ring in his ears. They shouldn’t rush just because they know each other so well.

So with super human strength he sits back and tries to string together a sentence.

“Angela is going to be insufferable” he rolled his eyes but his smile remained.

“You’re going to tell her?” Lucy didn’t sound nervous but he wanted to reassure her that he wasn’t going to be telling anyone until she was ready.

“Honestly I don’t think I’m going to have to. Detective Lopez will work it out in minutes” then in a moment of bravery “she’s been on at me about us” he says gesturing between them “for some time”

Lucy’s mouth hangs open

“Us?” She stutters “for sometime?!” Her mouth opens and closes like a fish and Tim can’t help but grin “Tim!” She swats at his shoulder. “Explain!”

“She may have worked out that I had feelings for you, maybe even before I was sure” Tim could feel the heat in his cheeks and new a blush was creeping over his face. “She asked some questions, made me ask a few more of myself”

“When?” Was all she asked her eyes locked on his.

“After we kissed, the first time in your apartment” Lucy’s eyes shot wide open “I… I was… confused” he stuttered “I wasn’t expecting to feel what I felt. Does that make sense?”

“Absolutely” she nodded “I feel like things had been a little…” she paused “fuzzy? Before. But after?” She swallowed hard “I thought about that kiss more than I probably should have.” Her gaze dropped to her lap “dreamt about it more than I should have”

Tim felt his heart hammer in his chest at her confession. No words formed, he just stared at her as she fiddled nervously with the hem of her shirt.

Slowly, he reached his hand out. Sliding his fingers along her jaw until her face was resting in his large hand, he lifted her face towards his and placed a single gentle kiss to her lips. As quick as the first, in her apartment but with all the feelings, all the meaning neither of them had been free to express at the time.

“Ok.” Tim said sitting back again “so how many grandchildren are you thinking exactly”

Lucy’s hearty laugh echoed out into the night “Tim!” He was beginning to think her love language was whacking him on the shoulder

“Well I’m just saying, we might not want to take it too slow or…” and just like that they were back to their gentle teasing.

They finally finished their food and arranged that their next date would see Tim cooking for her at his place and after 3 failed attempts at saying goodnight at their cars, that just saw them out of breath and Lucy with wild hair, Tim was finally in his truck on his way home.

He would see her again in the morning and he new just the thought would send him off to a blissful sleep and just maybe he’d have a few dreams of his own.

[leonscape]

my honest thoughts/criticisms of chevalier

i’m gonna get canceled so hard for this. but it’s fandom and we are all allowed to share our opinions and discuss them

i know i am in the minority. of course we will always have a few people who like or dislike a certain thing so im not going to claim that im the only one that feels like this.

this is not to disrespect chevalier or his fans. i just wish to share my opinion and i know im subjecting myself to criticism as well. i’ll just cry about it later

you probably shouldn’t read if you don’t want to hear someone complain about chevalier 😅

but do read if you wish to see chevalier from the point of view from someone who isn’t a fan of his.

with his cold nature and emotions, as a reader, it is very difficult for me to develop a connection to him. he has nothing to latch onto.

i will go into detail on what i mean by something to latch onto so i will go off on a tangent here, feel free to skip this. for example on this idea of something to latch onto: with jin, the comedy is easy to connect to. his story is able to explain why he does the things he does and it does build up emotion between emma (or you the reader) and jin. with clavis, it is easy to admire his hard work. he also purposely pokes and prods to bother emma which brings out emotions. for leon, he brings comfort and warm emotions, it’s easy to get attached. yves is also quite comical as well, but he’s also very kind and it’s not hard to connect with him. licht, nokto, and luke’s stories are very heavy as it deals with abuse and negligence so it’s not hard to develop empathy for them.

for chevalier, he simply just is. no event has influence over chevalier. he is described as always being the way that he is. he was born a genius. he was reading books on complex topics, seemingly ever since he learned how to read. he always appeared emotionless; he sheds blood without batting an eye. it came to a point where it scared his own mother. he just has photographic memory. i know it’s possible for some to have such a thing, but it’s simply just given to him. i dare say he has never worked for anything in his life. everything has been given to him and he’s never struggled. if he’s so intelligent and everything is so easy for him, he doesn’t need to break a sweat in putting in effort. there is nothing to inspire a sort of connection. it’s hard to feel bad for someone who is quite apathetic and unbothered.

although, i do think it’s perfectly fine to have a character like this. there is a way to have chevalier be this inhumanly perfect person. for me, i actually really like the idea of him being into romance novels. it is very endearing and it does bring out a human side. but they don’t do anything with it! i say this because it feels like emma and chevalier’s relationship is one sided. all the effort is coming from emma. emma is the one that has to prove to chevalier the value of love. chevalier doesn’t do anything to contribute to developing the relationship. it’s only about emma proving its worth, thus it feels like the effort falls on emma alone. when he is shown to care about emma and have feelings for her, it feels unnatural to me. because how is he gonna develop an intimate relationship with some he’s known for one month, putting in little effort, when he barely has relationships with his brothers, where he puts no effort, and some of whom do care for him (i’m trying to get at jin who cares for him and leon who’s never expressed any fear when interacting with him.)

my overall point here is that it would be nice if we did have chevalier put in effort, or more effort if that tickles your fancy. have him imitate what he reads in books since he has no experience. this would make it feel like he is putting in effort and it would really highlight his charming clumsy affection. personally, i can really relate and connect to this; when i write romance, i mimic what i read and see in media because i have not experienced it for myself yet. it’s an easy fix but it means so much!

something i noticed is that many people say that, “chevalier never received love/affection from his parents, therefore he has a hard time expressing himself emotionally [we should praise him when he does so].” this is a sound argument, i agree with this, i do think he deserves praise. however, i cannot fully support this statement. he does the bare minimum and people applaud him for it because he has never known love and affection. take leon for example. now i am not comparing leon and chevalier because leon is my favorite, i am using leon’s story to draw this comparison. leon doesn’t know his parents, therefore he never received loved from them. his “adoptive” parents also never had a lot of love to give. it would be accurate to say that he never experienced love and affection. i bring these two points up to compare it to chevalier who also never received love from his parents. this shows that receiving love from one or both parents does not affect their characters here. you could even argue the same with sariel who has little to no memories of his own parents. although i guess you could also argue that the king became his father..

so to sum that all up, his cold nature and his inability to express emotions are not the result of the absence of parental love and affection. so for me, this argument feels like something that’s meant to make you pity chevalier, when the same could be said for leon which isn’t acknowledged at all.

another thing i find interesting is that we have interpreted chevalier’s memorization of the name’s of knights as an emotional thing. chevalier himself expresses it as an obligation as a royal and i just think it’s interesting how he looks at it from a duty standpoint versus our emotional standpoint. because it’s not explicitly stated, one could assume that he doesn’t do for an emotional reason, but rather it’s just his job to honor those that have died for the kingdom in service to the royal family.

something else that i think should be talked about is how chevalier is put on this weird pedestal. he’s always labeled as a genius while the other guys never get praised for their intelligence or accomplishments. it gets tiring to hear “chevalier is a genius” over and over in the game and it doesn’t hold any weight because every brother is quite intelligent. it’s also much more telling than showing.

chevalier and charisma: i have expressed this opinion before and i would like to take this opportunity to explain and defend myself. i think the word authoritative describes him rather than charismatic. authority still implies respect and loyalty. charisma on the other hand is closer to charm and likability. the reason why i disagree with the idea that intelligence equals charisma is because you can be dumb as a box of rocks and still have charisma. there is a reason why people love sweet himbo characters. intelligence isn’t the determining factor here, it’s about how likable you are. charismatic people (with good or bad intentions) make things sound good and inspire loyalty because they are charming, they are likable. not because they are smart. they are able to get people to follow them because they know how to use their charm to play their cards, they don’t need to be a genius to figure it out. if you have to change the definition of charismatic, then he’s most likely not charismatic. chevalier doesn’t try to be likable. he never explains himself and he just does what he deems as necessary, even if it’s not the kindest thing or if the majority doesn’t agree with him. therefore, charismatic is not an accurate description of his character.

this was actually just a long rant and not helpful at all. i don’t think anyone is gonna read all of it anyway. ok im done committing social sui/cide