#I should rly get back to it but the mental block (always having my stuff thrown away) is Severe

[lemememeringue]

psychoanalysing my therapist with the knowledge he likes french police dramas and carving wooden spoons

[dapper-lil-arts]

Do you have any tips on learning to draw? Like at all? I've never tried to learn in the past but it's been recommended to me recently to try and deal with some more recent mental health stuff, but I've so far been dissapointed with everything I've made

i actually do! stick with me: my first tip is to accept that you’re not perfect, and take every failure as a step in the process of getting beter. Drawing is an art form, and some people (like me) have drawn ever since they were really young, and only recently got any good at it! you should see me in the past, i only knew how to draw penguins. lol. but with a lot of practice and sooooo much failure after that, i’ve actually gotten pretty decent at other things! my second tip is to try and sketch things a little bit every day, but also not to force yourself to draw if you dont want to. it’s more than okay to take breaks, but if you’re actually exited and looking forward to draw, you should practice just a little bit anytime you can! The reason i’ve been drawing and posting everyday is cause i have time and i feel genuinely inspired to draw stuff! my third tip is, always look around other art for inspiration! if you see something you like and inspires you, try using it as reference! you see anatomy thats really good and you want to replicate, use it! see cute thing you’d love to do something similar, use it! never be afraid to use reference, you absolutely need to use reference to get good at things like anatomy and honing your style! fourth tip is, always draw things you genuinely want to draw. this one may seem obvious but you’d be surprised the times i caught myself realising that i had other things i’d rather be drawing, thats a big reason as to why you’ll rarely see me draw/post fanart, bc i’d much rather draw my own characters and things! (even if people dont know em lol) though for some people doing fanart is enjoyable, since its them showing love to a media they enjoy! (also this tip very much includes drawing self indulgence, something that maybe only you would enjoy but you’ll draw it anyways. i didnt start drawing busty bunny girl getting belly kisses from a catgirl because i thought there’d be a demand lmao) fifth tip is to try and not get burnt out on it! art block and burn out can feel horrible, so its important to take breaks whenever you’re feeling unmotivated, and remember to stretch your hands and to get some water! (theres some good stretching tutorials on the internet in case you have a rly tense handgrip, they help) i feel like its also equaly important to say that you dont owe the universe art, so if you’re taking a break, you shouldnt feel bad about it. i know its hard, but you’ll get back on the saddle when you’re ready! above all remember that you’re a beginner, and you’re meant to be doing this for fun! it sucks but it might take a long time before you are throughly satisfyied with your artstyle and the things you draw. i still get very dissapointed at some of the things i draw, and i’ve been doing this for a long ass time! remember that you’re growing still and dont let your own thoughts stop you from enjoying drawing! art is something that can really help you deal with mental stuff so try to do it in a way that pleases you the most, its important that you enjoy doing it! 

[miru667]

A few notes on Audrey (and the Once-ler)

I’ve gotten a lot of new followers lately and also a lot of words of support and kindness from so many ppl, so I first wanna say thank you, you know who you are and it all means more than i can say ♥

I’ve been asked to explain more on what I think about Audrey and the Once-ler as a ship, so I’ll use this space to talk.

And I think I’ll first talk about Audrey. When I draw Audrey nowadays I’m really only drawing my own Audrey OC or my friends’ Audrey OCs, and we’ve all made them different ages from the canon Audrey in the 2012 movie. Everyone’s Onceler ocs are different ages, so why not Audrey ocs? I’ve seen Audreys as young as 5 and as old as 60. This isn’t unusual at all for the onceler fandom; it’s this level of imagination and creativity that has kept the fandom going for over 8 years. I haven’t drawn canon Audrey in a rly long time (but maybe I could again someday, who knows).

I headcanoned my own Audrey as 15-16 during the movie, and I made a mainverse askblog for her back in 2012 which took place right after the movie’s plot had finished. In 2018 I then revisited her to rp her in a zombie apocalypse AU, BUT I wanted to start her story with her already being a seasoned zombie slayer, so I pretended some years have passed since her mainverse days and made her 18. That is the only reason I aged her up.

And true to the OG onceler fandom, my friends and I then made more AUs, so I kept my Audrey at 18 or older since I got used to it. She actually should be 24 right now if I used her mainverse askblog as a starting point and let her age in real-time (which is what a lot of onceler fandom mods have done with their characters), but I have a couple college AUs with my friends for example so I kept her younger than 24 for those.

Being passionate about your own versions of the movie’s characters, changing them a little (or a lot), putting them in AUs, letting them grow up, this is all natural onceler fandom-brand progression for any person who invests themselves in a lorax-related oc for longer than a few months.

You are free to agree or disagree with changing a character’s age. Please curate your own fandom experience by ignoring, blacklisting or blocking content you don’t want to see.

As for shipping, if you got to know me at all then you'd know that i actually very rarely ship or think about ships in any fandom, relative to everything else i engage in/share/talk about. I know you guys have seen me talk about 7212 but that was only cuz I was prompted, even tho it’s my fandom otp. Shipping just isn’t a big part of my life at all in the grand scheme. I’ll say like 2 things about a ship i think is neat and then just move on usually.

That said, I DO ship my non-canon Audrey with my friends’ characters for fun once in a blue moon, and a few of those characters ARE Once-lers, also non-canon. But we have always agreed beforehand that they are the same or similar ages, and that they’re both consenting adults. I’ll do my best to mention this detail in the tags or description of any audrey ship art i draw and post, and please let me know in private if I forget to. I’m extremely uncomfortable at the thought of a teen with an adult, and I do not condone it.

Some other odds and ends...I’ve portrayed my Audrey having a celebrity crush on the Once-ler before in mainverse, but it was obviously one-sided and never to be reciprocated. I think that’s pretty normal for a teenage girl. I also have my Audrey’s Ted crushing on her, but that won’t be reciprocated romantically either.

When I have reblogged non-oc audler before, I have always assumed that they were both consenting adults as well. Audler is a crackship, which means it can’t ever exist in canon, which means we are free to imagine space and time shenanigans for Audrey and Onceler to have met while they were similar ages. People age down Norma to ship her with a young Once-ler when they don’t even know either character’s canon ages (like who knows, what if old onceler and grammy norma are actually 10 yrs apart?), but in young normaler art we think of them as similar ages. So the same can be applied to audler art as well. We should just think they’re mostly the same age for our own mental peace.

I have tagged a few posts/reblogs with #audler even if it looked like they were just friends in the picture - this is to keep people who have blacklisted audler as safe as possible while still getting to make my blog my own personal organized space. I reblog art mostly because I like the execution/style; the content is actually of lower importance to me. If you read the tags I write in my non-onceler-fandom reblog blog, you can see i am 90% of the time gushing about how beautiful the lighting is etc and only 10% of the time saying i love the character or ship. or at least that’s how it feels like in my head. im here to look at art, not ships.

I understand if there are still people who are uncomfortable with all this and you’re of course allowed to not interact with any of it. I am not interested in engaging in drama or discourse but I think a lot of new people in the fandom must not be familiar with how the fandom has been working since the beginning and the things we had collectively agreed upon in the fandom since the beginning, so I hope this post helps clear up some confusions.

Thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far and thank you to all my followers for supporting me and sticking with me and being interested in my stuff, it really means the world to me. Please stay safe and let’s hope the new year is better.

[whatshouldwecallchronicillness]

hey, sry to bother you, but I don’t rly know where else to ask... for years it’s felt like no matter how much I sleep, I’m always exhausted, never able to keep up in physical activities or homework, my periods are so painful that I can’t get out of bed, my nails crack and fall off, etc, etc, but my doctor always said I’m “just anxious”. I was 87 lbs at one point and they told me I had an “eating disorder”. Im trying to get a new dr but getting nowhere. what should I do?!

You are NEVER bothering me!  I love mail!  (Who doesn’t!?!)  

Oh man, that sounds terrible.  And like me when I first got sick in many ways.  All I can say is don’t give up!  It took me several years and TONS of appointments with many different doctors to figure me out.  If you are only seeing a general practitioner, you may need to look into relevant specialists.  

Also, looking into the mental health angle is great if you have access because a. therapy is great and everyone should go to therapy sometimes, b. a psychiatrist/therapist can tell your doctor that your symptoms aren’t “just anxiety” c. or if the symptoms are mental health in origin, they can help you address them.   IMO any suggestion of a mental health origin of symptoms should always come with a referral to a psychiatrist.  Otherwise, it’s just a cop out by a doctor who doesn’t want to deal with you.  

If you can, have a family member or close friend involved as your advocate because it’s a long hard road.  

Other then that, there’s a few tips I give to newbies or people without a diagnosis:

1. Have a 1 page (front and back is ok) medical history.  This should be easy to read and include:

- your name

-age, birth date

-meds (including doses and why you take them.  can include side effects)

- allergies/contraindications  

- diagnoses

- Brief medical history including surgeries and procedures with dates and outcomes

- doctors

-your pharmacy - name, location, phone number, fax number

- ICE contacts

- Occupational status (mine is Occupational therapist currently unable to work due to symptoms)

  2. Print or write an additional single page for each visit.  You can use it as a reference during the appointment and then give it to the doctor IF THEY WANT IT.  This page could include: 

- your overall health/wellness/functional goal (like mine is to get back to working part time and walking 2 miles 3-5 days/week)  Keep in mind that the goals should be realistic.  

- your goal for this appointment (example: to understand where my shoulder pain is coming from and to make a plan to address it.)

- your functional status (my functional status is: Occupational therapist, currently unable to work due to pain/fatigue.  Volunteers from home 2x/week.  Unable to walk a half block without resting.  Independent for ADLs but difficulty with most IADLs.  Hobbies/socializing/recreation severely limited due to symptoms.  Ambulates by walking, manual wheelchair, or scooter.  Accesses the community via driving or being driven.  Standing tolerance is 2-5 minutes.  Sitting tolerance is 1-3 hours. General quality of life is poor.)  Don’t worry about using medical terms.  I do because I’m used to it for work.  Sometimes I don’t include this part or I shorten it.  It depends on what my goals for the appointment are.    

-A list of 1-3 items of business for the appointment.  You can discuss other things, time permitting, but just have the most pressing issues written down.  (Example:  1. Go over blood test results 2. Go over treatment options 3. Get handicap placard form signed.)     

- A list of 1-3 of your MOST PRESSING symptoms that is relevant to that doctor’s speciality.  Don’t go with a whole long list.  That will freak them out. 

3. Supplemental info NOT TO BE GIVEN TO DOCTOR UNLESS ASKED FOR.  You’ll scare them if you hand them a binder of any kind.  Handing them the pages listed above might be scary enough already.  haha  This should primarily be for YOU to reference during the appointment ONLY when relevant.  This supplemental stuff can include:

-A (very scary) binder of past test results, organized in some logical way - like body systems, test type, date completed, etc.  Bonus points if you highlight any abnormal test results for easier reading.

-A list of all symptoms organized in some way.  I like organizing in clusters.  So I have my adrenal insufficiency symptoms, my spinal cord symptoms, my EDS related injuries, etc.  If you are new, you may not know enough about your symptoms to cluster them.  So you can just list them by body system.

-A timeline of symptoms/tests/diagnoses.  Like, not every thing that’s ever happened.  Just the relevant things.  

-A symptom journal if you keep one.  (I highly recommend it!)

-General notes made ahead of time to help guide the appointment and keep you on track. 

-A calendar to plan future tests/procedures/appointments

-A notepad and pen to write down notes like what tests you need, lifestyle change suggestions, things to try, meds to try, other specialists to see, etc.

-Something you can subtly fiddle with like a paper clip or keychain.   

Well, that turned into a novel.  Hope something somewhere in that wall of text was helpful!  Best of luck on your journey!  

[6ad6ro]

i think it's especially easy for neurodivergent ppl to blindly follow a community's "rules", especially when they're created by communities that overall have seemingly "good intentions". there isn't that necessary process of criticism, and context is rarely used alongside these "rules".

i randomly joined tumblr way back when, and IMMEDIATELY was like "wow, this is amazing. these ppl care about human rights and want to make the world a better place!" lol. and i began to blindly follow a lot of "rules" and cast a lot of judgements without thinking. it was pretty easy to do, considering i'd left places like youtube where (hatespeech and prejudice ideas are really common). tumblr seemed like paradise.

sure enough, i found myself saying things like "i hate men" (im he/they), "i hate white ppl" (im white), "i hate cis ppl". etc etc etc. it's really easy to like... passionately want change. and think the groups you're supporting are always right.

it's easy to make blanket statements... to follow "rules" without thinking? when your intentions are "good". i just wanted actual equality. the culture i was involved in said "these ppl are at fault, we need to change them to fix things". so i went along with it. i didn't think. i wanted to be "good".

but what about male allies. what about trans men. what about WHITE allies... do some of u gays REALLY not have a single cis person you're friends with? sorry, but theres a lotta ppl that fall into these groups who are ABSOLUTELY lovely. and also on your side.

and yet here you are, blogging about how much you hate them. throwing them under the bus based on the color of their skin, their gender, or their prefs.

just bc racist/sexist/transphobes commonly call out tumblr as a "place of hate" to try and justify their OWN hate (u know the tactic)? doesn't justify what we're doing. many of tumblr's "rules" and widespread beliefs? are inherently prejudist.

and neurodivergent ppl can just... eat this stuff up. me personally? i'm ALWAYS having to ask others "is this okay" or "am i doing this right"? it's really hard to make confident decisions on my own. so i would see "rules" as a godsend. something to trust in.

not realising that the same type of authoritarian, control-freak mentalities that exist in like... government? are also in these marginalised communities.

not to call anyone out, but i ran into yet another person with an absolutely silly dni today (ftr they seemed like a rly sweet, at most confused, younger person doin their best). but they literally were like "if someone i follow is bad, please lmk"... like? while on the surface that might seem like "oh i wanna know if someone i rb from is a secret terf" etc? i can't help but see it as "i dont know the rules! plz tell me the rules!!! i wanna do the right thing". bc i'm sorry. i see this stuff too much from atypical peeps.

there was a lot of confusing stuff in this dni. another being "if you believe there can be racism against white ppl, please dni" (the user claimed to be white btw). like... honestly? this one makes me wanna scream. bc what ppl call "racism" is usually just "prejudice". and YES prejudice actually DOES happen against white folk. your statement is an example. seriously tired of marginalised communities excusing their prejudices simply bc they're poc or gay or just whatever. like if you CHOOSE to make excuses for why hating someone based on their race or gender or sexuality is okay? you're excusing prejudice.

it even gets extra silly w the less serious "rules". like i'll see things like "no self-shipping" (its fictional), "no problematic character love" (its fictional), "you must set up/format your blog in this way" (its not your say, so if u dont like someones blog just unfollow/block omg). just a lotta weird "rules" where i KNOW these ppl got em from other cutthroat, authoritarian, self-proclaimed "good people". "no racists" is a rule that makes sense. but "no vtuber shipping"??? are... are u kidding? u know that anime youtubers are designed to be horny, right? lol... i just see a lotta stuff. too much demonizing and over WHAT? it's ridiculous.

PLEASE! for the love of GOD just TRY and use context and individual judgement. and i say this ESPECIALLY to other neurodivergent ppl. bc i get that it's really hard for ppl like us. but...

i guess i'm just tired of seeing so much hate being disguised as justice and love. and i'm tired of atypical ppl's trust being taken advantage of. i'm tired of blind rulefollowing. if tumblr communities should teach you anything, it's to be critical and analytical of morality. i know it can be difficult, but please just THINK.

[jan-uinely]

hot takes continued

here we go. season 12 episode 12. 

so. it’s time to chit chat about drag race. if u dont like my opinions sry. 

this is gonna get bigger than one episode or one season. this is meta drag race. 

but first i guess the episode. right. so. obviously it was a “musical” so obviously i wanted to see jan sing and obviously she did not. I do think that this challenge [not necessarily placed in this episode] would have been a great time to do a like returning queens. but i digress.

i think that it was a little muddled. like it wasn't like any of the “girl group” numbers where it’s just the verse and chorus. all of the verses were placed in different spots throughout the show. I also think it’s ironic that this whole episode is to promote this live vegas show which is obviously not happening right now. but alas. 

i agree with bob in that i liked jackie’s verse the best. 

i did not love gigi’s outfit in the challenge. you couldn't make out the heart as easily bc the red was all the same color. I also think the material used was too chunky- it was quilted. i would have rather had the heart be quilted, not have a corset underneath it, and have the rest of the top part not be quilted. i thought it was a good concept but i would have preferred different #choices. i also would have rather the hair been straight instead of curled.

i did not have a huge issue w crystal’s orange and green outfit. i also appreciated the callback stars and stripes hair. though maybe not together?

jaida was good as per usual. i want her to win, but we will get to that later. 

also let us note the basketball wives hair that made a comeback [gigi, jackie]

runway time.

crystal and ******’s outfits did not fit the way i wanted them too, and the problems were both in the hips. when i saw them i thought the hips should be exaggerated, but instead they both looked weirdly deflated. and crystal’s torso section could have been brought in. [i did see on instagram that the person who made crystal’s look [casey caldwell who is a nyc based designer, works w a lot of neoprene/thick materials- just look up on instagram caseyyalater] actually made it for dragcon and crystal bought it right there, so it wasn’t tailored] 

in the dior v dior battle, i thought gigi won. jackie’s dress was just i think a little too large [not in terms of tailoring, in terms of diameter] but it was very jackie

gigi said that her outfit was quintessential gigi, which i think it interesting bc if you look up showgirls performances, it very much is. however in terms of the character portrayed on drag race i didn’t think it was. it was very well made, etc. but it just didn’t fit the “perfectionist trope” of the show. 

jaida is once again wearing a gown with a presequinned fabric, which i am not mad at. it is quintessential jaida. 

critiques. 

again ooh we have to nitpick bc we accidentally cast too many winners on this season blah blah blah. i was not a fan of when they said oh well we will have to look at report cards. as if they didnt intentionally load up gigi and ****** with wins at the start of the show. 

and then it’s like oh well jackie and crystal have to lip sync blah blah blah. and you know that jackie is going home. bc the judges absolutely love crystal, all because of that mullet. 

to quote bob “I used to be really upset at queens who won the judges with their personality” and that is still mostly true for me. i don’t think her placement is unjust or whatever, but like if ru didn’t like the mullet, she would not have been given the confidence boost to turn her trajectory around, compared to jackie and widow and jan, who did most things right but just were not rupaul’s fave, and must have had a much more difficult time mentally on the show. 

and FWIW heidi falls into this category as well. race chaser i think said it - all of her success comes from ru’s ideas. and being naturally funny and charismatic and having ru like you as a person is a huge gift and huge talent, but the inability to wrangle it...  that being said i think she deserves the world and will grow [and has already grown] from this experience.

and the thing is that crystal also keeps going back to the same stuff which could have been funny if the episodes were more than one apart or if she didn't do it twice in one episode but. idk. 

now, who will win, who should win, hmm hmm hmm. tbh i don’t think it will be crystal. they just crowned the oddball and they like to mix it up, or at least try to. also why looking at the history of dusted or busted scores [and s/o to jan for coming in @ 4 [after the disqualification]] crystal is at a 2, and bebe won with the lowest score at a 3 [w 2nd and 3rd place at 4 and 5], and that was in season 1, which was a whole other ballgame. leaving us with jaida and gigi. i am team jaida. i think that she is much more developed as an artist and performer than gigi, and I think that she will bring us something new.

[here comes the meta part]

the title is america’s next drag superstar. and i think in the beginning of the show, they decided that that had to mean something new and exciting, something that pushed the boundaries of what drag could be [which is rly ironic coming from them but]. which has developed this culture of what is the formula to be successful on drag race. and some people were more overt about this [jan] and some people were more subtle about this [gigi and jackie]. 

but for some reason, the [Black] pageant queens will make it to the top and then never win. - and they’ve had overt conversations regarding pageants and pageant culture on the show before - but balls and pageants were like the building blocks of drag culture in the us [from what i understand]. so inherently that means it’s no longer “new” and exciting. but the thing is that so many of these fashion [/nyc] queens work so exclusively with these high end designers to produce these looks [i think bob said it can cost like 10K to prep all your stuff for drag race] and with that the ability to design and sew falls away. 

and i think that is reflected in the challenges and how they have changed. this season there was one design challenge. and that is just so disappointing to me bc i think the design challenges really separate who has a full understanding of their persona and who does not. 

and with fewer and fewer design challenges, you have more and more designer items, and the ability to create something has fallen to the wayside. personally [and i will probably make another post about this later] i want to bring back the design challenges in one of two ways. 1. have an all designers season. where drag designers work to make elaborate costumes based on a prompt and given certain materials. bc on the show designers are not credited as much [that part comes on instagram]. 2. i want to have a drag race blank slate competition. where contestants audition and are given a list of prompts but cannot bring anything except like a notebook. no prepared outfits. you can sketch designs to the prompts, but all the materials are provided. contestants still have a main challenge and a runway, but rather than 2 days, they are given a full week to execute the challenge and the outfit. this would totally change the game in my mind. like one you wouldn't have to have money or take out loans to compete, you could just come and show who you are. and two the audience could see more of what goes into this stuff. AND if drag race really wants to feed us, they could do like a wed. ep and a friday ep. to spread things out. 

my favorite challenges are design challenges, and while i think the first challenge this season gave us a better introduction to who the contestants are, the design challenge is a really good thing to have at the front. 

i do think that if they had not had the debate that there would have been another design challenge in the mix, but bc it was an election year. 

anyways, i want jaida to win bc she’s excellent at what she does. and at this point there is something new and exciting about making all your own clothes and being polished and knowing who you are.  and tbh gigi doesn’t bring anything new to the table. sure the ability to sew and design is good, but compared to aquaria and violet the designs were not as diverse or inventive. on top of that, the fact that gigi is outwardly apolitical [and doesn’t understand the connotation of “privilege” in today’s times] is just not a good look. I also think that it is interesting that gigi came in as the look queen but actually did better in the acting challenges. 

idk my main takeaway is that gigi is really really good at playing other people, and with that comes a lack of self awareness. striving so hard to be perfect can come at the cost of not knowing who you are as an artist. like gigi’s brand is literally “im that bitch/bitch” which again, just isn’t what i want in a winner. 

and tbh the gigi bug bit early but ended when ru gave her the win on the madonna episode. [i will say that jackie could have won snatch game but tbh i was annoyed w her for being a little dickish to the safe girls that week [though what she said was totally understandable] and also i <3 jackie cox [and chelsea piers we stan chelsea piers in this house] i think there is something so gr8 abt being a nerd and being prepared and being on brand about it. also jackie is always the one to hop on the dolls’ lives and comment their venmo. hashtag cool aunt jackie. [though that here for cox t-shirt and the promo photos make me uncomfy though i get it]]

re jackie coming back to complete the top 4... IDK it’s nice and all but they've already established that they don’t want her to win- otherwise she would not have been eliminated. 

also in my mind there are only 12 places so jan actually came in 7, widow 6, heidi 5, jackie 4. 

anyways these are my thoughts. as usual, raw and unedited. 

[thatvixenchick]

hey there vixen! Ive been followin you for a while, and wanna ask some advice; so an online friend of mine has revealed that they’ve been lying the whole time; that they are really not in their 20s, and have been around like, 19. We’ve been chatting for 4 years, and I’m slightly panicking, since I have talked the nsfw of the nsfw stuff about her back when she was about 16. Rly sorry if this is sudden, but wouldn’t you be weirded out if its revealed ur friend has been underage this whole time??

Because of the current tumblr climate, I’m going to answer this much more long-winded than I normally would have. Take a seat, it’s story time.

When I was in middle school, I was much more emotionally mature than my peers. I started going into chat rooms on the internet and the people I connected with were all older. Occasionally, they would strike on topics I was not comfortable participating in, so I would tap out until later. That wasn’t often because I was in mostly themed chats. We talked about ghosts or updates on the websites we visited or TV shows we watched. Most of my main chat were college students. I hid my age with them and when they would talk about classes, I would desperately try to pretend like I knew how college courses worked. They never learned my age.

In late middle school, my peers started exploring sex. I did not. I had a mental block on exactly how sex worked right up until the end of 8th grade in which I picked up a romance novel, not realizing what it would contain. The book solidly used “gates of womanhood” and “gates of manhood” the entire scene, but it got the point across. We had no sex ed in my schools because of where I lived. However, my mother was insistent on me going to her about anything. So in a daze, I walked up to her and asked if that was really how sex worked. She said “yes” and left it at that since she was coming to terms with the fact that my questions in the future were about to get a lot more detailed.

That summer, I took the book to 4H camp and talked about what it contained to the 14 girls I was in a cabin with. Half of them wanted nothing to do with it, the other half wanted to know. I refused to give details. Only 3 of the girls were brave enough to read the scene, and one got invested and finished the book. (I still dunno how people can read that fast…)

In high school, people were having sex, getting caught, and talking about it. I also discovered fandom. I quickly learned that, at this point in fandom history, there was a 50/50 chance of an author being around my age or much older. I trusted the ones much older since the ones around my age had crazy ideas about how sex worked. For example, Harry rubbed Hermione's belly button because the author thought that’s where the clit was. My friend group would talk about these fics and laugh. We would share terrible examples of sex. We would also share good examples of sex. Online, nobody spoke of their ages as it was an unwritten rule of fandom spaces during that time. Some you could tell, others you could not. It was how things worked back then.

For every new thing I learned from fanfiction or my high school friends and was confused about, I would go to my mother for accurate clarification. She used these moments to also make sure I understood safety and consent. I asked her about the things I learned from my friends about the sex they were having irl and discovered how much of it was SO unsafe. About this time, I started having cyber sessions with a person from my text-based role-playing group. He was a year younger than me.

At 17, a friend from a forum group that I talked to over messenger started flirting with me. I knew he was older. So, in light of our 4 year friendship, I told him my age. He was uncomfortable and decided to stop talking to me. I didn’t blame him for that, though I was a bit sad. Still, it was the best decision he could have made for himself and I respected that.

At 19 my cousin came to me because her boyfriend wanted to have sex. She was 13. She had nobody to turn to for advice or information since her family was of the opinion that no information at all was best. I had always encouraged her to ask me about anything she needed to know. I explained that she was too young and her partner too uneducated. I let her know the facts about what she asked. I made sure to drill into her head that condoms were non-negotiable since she looked determined to do it anyways. She did. She got hurt. She stopped seeing the boy. She avoided anything sexual for another 3 years before slowly getting back into things. Every time she needed something, or had a scare, or had a question, she would come to me. She was always so afraid of talking about it out loud, so I let her know all the safety information I could give to make sure she understood what she was getting herself into. She stayed sexually active, but she also stayed safe, clean, unhurt, and would punch a guy that tried to push something. Consent is important.

As for me, I did not start being sexually active with my own body until I was 19. I did not have sex until I was 21. I dated during that time, but I set very clear and firm boundaries about what I was and wasn’t comfortable with. I had no tolerance for those boundaries being pushed. As I grew older, I continued to enjoy learning everything I could about sex and kink, consent and safety, sexuality and gender. Currently, I help out with sex education where I can, including essays, presentations at conventions, and podcasts.

So now you know my history and can better understand my answer:

I understand why a person would have various reasons for lying about how young they are on the internet. I did it. I have friends that did. There’s a certain amount of responsibility one has to take when lying about being older, though. One, you cannot engage in any sex talk that is personal between yourself and the older person you are talking to. Two, you must be honest if a situation arises in which the older person could get into legal trouble. Three, you must take full responsibility to walk away from conversations that you find uncomfortable. Four, you must protect your privacy with your life and give no details on your name, specific location, personal acquaintances, or pictures of yourself.

I understand why a person would be upset about being lied to. Not only the lie but because the decision of what they would feel comfortable with was taken from their hands. It was a violation of their trust and personal online safety. 

Not to mention, things are different now than they were back in my day of fandom. It’s important to keep in mind the expectations of the majority in different spaces on the internet along with personal boundaries of whoever you are talking to. Be educated and make informed decisions about your online interactions.

Would I have been upset about discussing nsfw content that did not personally involve me or the other party without me knowing that the other party was underage?

This answer varies per person and that’s okay. Every person has different boundaries for themselves and different expectations of their own online privacy and safety. Every person must set those boundaries for themselves and see that they are adhered to by those around them whenever possible. It’s nobody else’s job to enforce the rules you have made to protect yourself.

Legally speaking (I am in America), so long as the older party remained unaware of the age younger party, and all talk of a sexual manner was not used in a way to seduce the younger party, and no pictures of the younger party were exchanged, then nothing illegal happened. That’s a fine line to walk, however, with the ways that lawyers can spin things. So it’s understandable that an older party would want to be able to walk away from any nsfw conversations with a younger party to protect themselves.

However, I also understand not being bothered at all because the younger party had someone they were comfortable with talking to about these things. They were learning, whether they realized it or not, the details of the content they were reading, what was and wasn’t real, and how to form better decisions on safety and consent. Because speaking to someone more mature means getting better information. It means there’s no argument about where the cervix is located or whether or not a nipple can be pinched off with a clothespin. An older party could find themselves relieved that the younger party had someone to talk to that knew better than to sneak out during school lunch break and have sex in their car with a plastic bag for a condom.

As a sex educator, I would rather a teen come to me with their questions than to their peers. Of course, as a sex educator, I also understand my own personal and legal boundaries better than your average joe on the internet. So it’s perfectly reasonable for a person who does not know those boundaries to want to tap out of a conversation with someone underage.

So for me, personally, I come from a time when ages were simply not discussed. This isn’t unusual for me. I also understand wanting to talk to someone more emotionally mature who likely has a better education than one’s peers. I also get being panicked when you weren’t aware of the boundaries you should have been adhering to when talking to someone underage. It’s a complicated situation, made more so by the individual in question and the details of the conversations I might have had with them. How I felt and the actions I would take would vary depending on the situation as this is too broad a question to give an all-encompassing answer.

So I will say that any emotions that you are having about it are valid. The decision that you make now should be what is best for you - for your emotions, your safety, and your future. It is worth being empathetic to the other party, but you should never be swayed by their reasoning, feelings, or excuses because ultimately, you must do what you feel is best for yourself. But whatever you do, don’t hold onto it and obsess over it. Deal with the emotions you have from the violation of trust, come to a rational decision as to what’s best, follow through, and then let it go and move on.

[feverhalo]

Ok so. Big talky post about irl shit in all forms because why not & i feel bad leaving you all hanging so long on so much

Please dont r///ebl/////og and theres no pressure to read it or do anything in regards to this.

So. This covers like. So many topics. Grief and death and mental health being the biggest warnings for

Average news first. I still have my job and have been there officially for a year now! Pay rates are going up in my province, and thats a new solid reference should i need it any time soon. Theyre also beong really understanding and compromising(? Forgot theword i had originally) and letting me try new jobs/places to reduce stress

I found out yes, i am still allergic to peanut butter if the fact that i had really annoying stomach pain for h o u r s after eating a teeny tiny pb cookie is anything to go by. Didnt really pay attention to if i broke out on my sides or not because i was a little preoccupied with curling up tightly and feeling a little off the next day too. (I mean no duh what did i expect to happen but i mean. They smelled so good). Lesson learned.

Bad news

ive touched on but i dont think ever really said. Someone very very close to me passed in late summer and im still devistated and torn up and doing my denial/anger thing for the most part. Its. Not easy. But ive been going to see someone, admittedly its become a bit about everything when it was supposed to just be this, but i dont do death. When i was a kid and lost someone i shut down entirely and aside from angry outbursts and the occasional breakdown i tried my hardest to act like there was not and would never be a hole there. It didnt work well at all and im still affected by that person's passing too.

They were also one of the more supportive people in my life and i spent a lot of time reading and writing and creating in their company and its been hard.

And i know that im handling this a little better even though im still skipping out on things and blowing up and all the same sort of crap but i actually have a neutral space that wont feel marked or stained every day for processing and a neutral person to help.

And of course its not just grief im getting help with because its all kind of a tangled mess. But im also getting like. New insight on stuff and someone to talk to about whatever. And its making life quite a bit harder because im so used to blocking it out or locking myself away and letting things rush over and take over and run their course. Its been really hard to be creative because im incredibly self critical and having a lot more trouble focusing lately because of a lot of reasons.

Im stressed and overwhelmed a lot more easily and frequently right now. And i know im being distant even if it doesnt show. Im scared to kind of go along with this and open up and all that junk and now im being gently prodded to do so in short, honest (not just stuff i dont rly care about or stuff callously overshared to just pretend im being open) bursts its kind of freaking me out. But like. Itll all end up for something good i hope. Even though it feels awful right now and ive had stints of days or even a full week with supports on speed dial when i havent been able to calm down or shut off over thinking but thats- i mean i expect it. A lot is happening and ive known for years my coping strategies have been lacking.

Ive also been talking with this outside help and weve toyed with the idea of maybe i really do have add or at least my anxiety manifests similarly and its kind of a which came first- and this ties in to the next good part in a second- but i havent scheduled anything in my area for right now for those sorts of things but im still kind of getting new ideas from a different angle that might maybe help and if i dont then im learning things i still may be able to use. Either way its not a huge deal for the current moment and its a bit if trying to find compassion and acceptance for myself whether its thing a or b or neither but whatever

Good, great, best news!!

I have an in to starting the more physical process of transitioning. Like i have a day and a time and a start. Like really really really soon. Its going to be hard i know because im going to have to open up about things and will probably be told i have to wait until i can stablize a bit more- its been a lot happening in a short while. And i understand. I waited 2 years to hear from them, i waited a few years to reach out to them, and i unknowingly waited years to find new words that struck a chord and all that. So as long as its moving i can deal with the wait.

I have GOOD people (many i know and have known for years now who happen to work in an adjacent field, some who are new and yet to be met but have rly good references if that makes sense?) who are going to help me kind of navigate and understand and undo things i thought i learned that were honestly just veiled hate and scare tactic garbage. People who support me and dont push me past what i am comfortable with undergoing to "prove" anything (such as 'if you didnt do x right away youre lying/if you dont do y surgery first i wont believe you' kind of comments. I hope). Im looking into options and im so excited for it!!

Its going to involve a lot of talking about things and probably a lot i dont want to talk about just yet but its a great chance because it gets me officially connected and officially started and this place has more options than my town and more specialized crap that can detangle and work through all the connected things and it can all be lumped together as the same process and hopefully help financially that way- and time wise unbelieveably. Theres a very good chance ill be able to talk with someone there, and very likely that first appointment, who can help me understand why i work the way i do sometimes for whatever reason it is.

And im getting a lot of positivity and lessons like learning to give myself some slack where it matters and stuff like that. And that im not worthless or stained or going to rot other people- which is honestly uncomfortable for me to think because of how long ive thought the opposite. Like to think i may actually be pretty good like not pretend good and actually worth anything at all. Because i got stuck in bad thoughts since i was small.

Im also thinking on trying to go back to school because i have a lot i think about with nowhere to really put it and nothing to do which doesnt help me do the things i want to do. So maybe something like that would help because i like learning. I like the motions of it- writing and reading with intent to understand something new, the routine as much as i whined about it in highschool, the forced kind of proximity to people living apart from what i know entirely too so the world feels bigger in a tangible way. Thats on a back burner and waiting for sure! But the fact im thinking about it and happily thinking about it? I like that.

My life has been. Kind of a combination of bland as hell and busy if that makes sense. Ive had to sort of shut down outward productivity and cut down on things a bit because so much is going on, and im trying to do a lot as paced and as slowly as i can bear.

And even though im not Here here as much as i want to be and everything its just. Kind of time for this. And im so glad and happy that when i can be here i can see that people still like what ive done and theres always awesome content to see and yeah

Thanks for everything and checking in and i really really am looking forward to moving forward.