#I should have friends to complain about silly internet stuff at and friends to debate fictional stories with
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ngl, I think it would solve a comical number of my problems to have a properly fleshed out social life
#I should have friends to complain about silly internet stuff at and friends to debate fictional stories with#and friends to cook holiday meals with and friends to go to the grocery store with and friends to fo arts and crafts with#and friends to do chores around the house with and friends to destroy that old couch they can't transport when moving with#and friends to go on walks in the park with and friends to exchange job searching tips with#and friends to watch movies with and friends to go to fairs with and-#just me rambling
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Tail au (part 12)
N/A: if God exists this will be short and on point.
@djinmer4 @dannybagpipesarecalling @bamfoftheundead @everykurt
If Amanda has to measure her own skills in persuasion, and of course, if she has to be 100% honest, she would say she is around 6 or 7 on a scale of 10. It may not sound too bad, but, right now is not enough to further Amanda´s plans.
Kitty Pryde, the fake mutant-ok, maybe not so fake as she recalls Kitty phasing through her- is now dating Lance Alvers and Amanda needs to make sure this new couple remain together forever or at least until Kurt is completely hers.
"Amanda?" one of her friends asked as Amanda is silently watching Kitty-still on the classroom as the teacher is explaining the new subject a bit bored out of her mind-and is curious as to why Amanda is not throwing insults to Kitty all day?
"Oh, hi, Amy. I was just thinking about some stuff...say, Amy, what do you know about Lance Alvers?"
"Oh...well, since you ask...I date his friend Pietro and I got stories to share" Amy seems radiant in share some gossips and Amanda is always ready to listen.
Meanwhile, Kitty is doing her best to ignore the cacophony of sounds, lately, her tail and ears are weak sauce, as they said, comparing with the mutants they saw in TV and yes, some people still think Kitty is a cosplayer.
It seems now a bit insulting. Sure, she can pass as normal, but, she´s still a mutant...isn´t her plight one many mutant faces? Aren´t they all equal?
NO, you silly cat. Her mind goes to Kurt and his furry and blue form. Not all mutants are equal.
If people think Kitty is cosplaying...what they would think if they ever see Kurt in his true form? Maybe they would scream in terror...
Would I have screamed?
What´s the difference then between me and Kurt?
She hears the bells rings and looks at her notebook and how she wrote Kurt´s name in a few pages, lately, the blue elf is on her mind a lot-making a permanent house in her thoughts- and Kitty wonders if this is all about the group of mutants, not related to the X-men, who are not-traditionally human, and are getting some fame.
(Sure, no one likes something 100% and even this group is getting some backlash, but, is minion comparing to the positive reactions the population are giving to this group. Prof X is more than pleased even if this group is not linked to the X-men)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Kurt Wagner is reading about this new group of mutants. People have lots to share about them and are amusing that some people are comparing them to the X-men. The Internet has a debate about the New group and the X-men that is for once amusing to Kurt.
Yes, GreyWolf is a fantastic telepath...who cares if she has insect antennae. She´s a hero and looks, Jean Grey is a red hair and no one is complaining here. I say Let the two telepath mutants date.
Ok, uhm...Scott won´t be happy with this. Kurt thought almost laughing and he can imagine that Jean is either teasing Scott or not happy at all people are shipping her with a stranger.
Ok, look...Cyclops is not a real cyclops...but now we have a real Cyclops! Dude, the possibilities are endless. Do they now have vision 20/20 or more?
And Kurt wonders why Scott pick the name Cyclops as his moniker. In fact, Kurt knows very little about Scott. Only a few basic things the young man shares seldom. He lost his parents at a young age and his brother is missing...
Damn, I know next to nothing about Scott and I´m here almost a year. Kurt then vows to know Scott a bit more at least to know why he picks the name Cyclops for himself.
Dude, my dude...they have a good looking teleport!
Yeah...but, he looks a bit strange.
No, he is hot. You´re just blind.
Are you saying you would fuck a teleporter like that?
Yes!
Kurt feels his stomach drop at this insinuation and wonders if they know about Nightcrawler. Well, the X-men have shown up in the media a few times (Jean was wearing her silly mask at those times) but he never searches to see what people thought of his looks.
Dude, Mardoc is a sexy teleporter. Name one teleporter who is sexier than him?
Nightcrawler. Bitch
"What?" Kurt jump out of his seat and his tail is exposed, luckily for him, no one was there or no one was paying attention and is easy to hide his tail without any prying eyes. Rogue arrives as she has a sixth sense where Kurt is concerned...everyone just labels as "big sister sense" and well, Rogue can´t deny.
"What´s up? Watching hentai online?" Rogue asked joking and Kurt frowns at her. Kurt does not watch porn online...and if he did, which he would never admit, he wouldn´t watch one about tentacle sex. Again, Kurt never watched hentai in his entire life and he wants to remain with this image very much.
"No, I was ...did you know there´s a new group of mutants?" Kurt asked and Rogue just nods as if this is not a big deal. "Well, some people are really thirsty, yes Bobby taught me this expression, about this teleporter Mardoc..." and show the image of the Mardoc to Rogue who seems to see the big picture but let Kurt continues.
"I mean, they think Mardoc is hot? Not that he´s a demon from hell? When that happened...oh, now they think Nightcrawler is hotter and " Kurt swallows his own saliva for a moment. "Should I be happy about that?"
"Kurt, do you there are people who drawn anthropomorphic creatures to fuck them? In France, a dude makes a cactus sexy" and Kurt does not see the point of this and has now a bad impression of France. "My point is, people´s taste change...yes, there will be people who will want to date or even sleep with Nightcrawler, but, here is where you must ask yourself...do I want people to be with me because of my looks or for what am I?"
"That´s very wise, Rogue" and he asks. "Is like that between you and Remy?"
"We have our issues, Kurt, but none of them is related to this. I fear to hurt him and he fears I´ll leave him. We feel fear but try to pretend its not there"
"That does not seem healthy"
"It isn´t..."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Amanda knows very well that she can´t just go at Kitty and say wonderful things about Lance to prompts her to stay with him, for once, Amanda is a good actress but not that good and second, Kitty is not that dumb to believe Amanda now wants to be her friend...which leads to her plan B.
Kitty is walking by to the school corridor with her only book when she hears some people talking about Lance Alvers. Those girls have nothing to do with Amanda and her crew.
"Yeah, from what I heard...Lance kicked out of his house because of his mutation so the Brotherhood is the only house he truly has" the first girl speaks as if confessing something. "Pietro too, but, his story seems to be more tragic"
"What about Lance?" Kitty asked and the girls' exchange looks for a moment and the second girl replied still as if sharing a secret.
"Well, Lance has no one in this world outside the Brotherhood...I heard that Melinda saw him crying in the classroom this morning"
Kitty had no clue Lance´s life was like that.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Once Kitty is out of the view, and away from the school, the two girls give a quick call to Amanda Stefson to have a nice chat about one of their many errands.
"Amanda, we did what you ask...better keep your ending of the deal!" the girls are sisters and judging by their tone...they´re are negotiators type of people.
"Ok, ok. I´ll make, don´t worry. Did Kitty believe it?"
One of them rolls her eyes. "Please, we´re good actress, Amanda, we share a very sobbing story about Lance and Kitty was almost at tears, didn´t even ask if this was real or not...why it matters to you if she stays with Lance or not?"
"It does not concern any of you, tomorrow I´ll pay my ending and we´ll continue as if nothing happened"
"Good. Night you two"
"Night"
#Tail au#plot thickens#always anti amanda#kurt wagner#stay away from the internet#Rogue#mentions of Rogue x Gambit#kitty pryde#manipulation
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An Example of why I don’t debate much in my comment sections on YT/Tumblr/FB/ETC. (It’s Endless) | TLDR at the End
@omg-whydidimakethisaccount
"You do know that racist people did the same thing for Black Panther right? “Innocent people are getting called racist for no reason because they didn’t like the movie!” For a while people believed it, including me. Then as time passes a lot of people started realizing that people were claiming this happened.....but no one actually sees it. And while I’m sure a few people have, the fact of the matter is that racists spread the rhetoric for a reason"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhKFv92JGqM
All throughout the comment section you see people saying “I’m black and I don’t want Ariel to change.” And black people are complaining all over the internet about it being racial pandering. Which-it-is. You just aren’t looking for it. Have you never heard of the phrase that the dumbest people are the loudest? Of course you’ll run across racists. They’re the loudest of them all. But they’re not the only ones who are upset and it isn’t “just a few.” That’s just your confirmation bias. “For a while people believed it, including me.” You think that you woke up to some new epiphany but you’re just viewing everything in extremes.
"It’s quite similar to conservatives labeling everything “sjw”. In hopes to make people’s points valid, we label them as names such as sjws or snowflakes."
You’re using the same tactics by labeling everyone racist who disagrees. Just because racist people have an issue with something doesn’t mean that everyone who has an issue with it are racists. How tf can you be mad that people exploit the phrase “sjw” when you are exploiting the word racists for the SAME REASON.
"And that’s what people did for Black Panther. The racists were very vague on what their comments were but they spread this agenda that people are being called racist left and right. That people are hunting down poor souls stating an opinion and harassing them. This of course wasn’t the case, but the power of the internet sure made it seem so. But like I said, smart people started noticing that this was not the case."
This isn’t the same as Black Panther. He is a real superhero who was originally black and his movie was very cultural. So it brought up controversy and there was a lot of racism involved. However, Ariel is a Disney character who already has a character design that people love and have been drawing for decades. Black people (yes BLACK PEOPLE) have made themselves clear. They want new original characters to represent them. Not to have their skin tone slapped on a white character for pandering and re-branding purposes only.
"And this is the case for pretty much any movie that causes stir due to race such as this. Now I’ve been on a lot of social media platforms. Reddit, tumblr, YouTube comments, twitter, etc etc. I barely see people refer a person that doesn’t like the casting a racist......w/o reason. Racists spread the lies for Black Panther because they knew they would be called out for their racists comments so they hoped that referring people who called them out as “sjws” would somehow stray away from that fact"
“w/o reason” is vague. I’m not going to take your word for it that their reasons are good because you’re the same person who said that only a few people are black and or genuinely just don’t want her character to change which is clearly false. Which I have already explained. And again with the Black Panther. Just because you didn’t see those comments for what they were during THAT particular movie, doesn’t mean that every movie that has a black character will only get criticism from racists. You have no sense nuance.
"And sadly that is going on with Halle Bailey. My friends were accused of being “sjws” for simply calling out a racist who didn’t like Black Ariel. Like I said my black friends also don’t like her but they aren’t being racist they just don’t like the actress. However when they called out an actual racist that reposted a “sea monkey” post in response to Halle’s castings they were harassed for calling a person racist over a “joke”
Your situation with your friends is just confirmation bias. That doesn’t speak for all situations. Hence me linking you the video that I sent you. Also the seamonkey thing is clearly a racist joke but that has nothing to do with my original point. You literally just said you know people who genuinely don’t want her to be black and are black themselves. But instead of being nuanced and thinking, “Oh, some people are racists and some just don’t want her to change” you take away from it, “most are racists and very few don’t want her to change.” It’s ridiculous. You’re not being objective. And why does someone have to be black to not want her to change without being racist? That’s a bigoted way of thinking within itself. 'If you’re white and you don’t like her, you’re probably racist.' No.
"Some people didn’t even know what was happening. They just saw “innocent person gets harassed because they stated an opinion” and started harassing my friends too. And like that, the Black Panther fiasco cycles it’s way back to the internet"
This isn’t the same as the Black Panther incident.
“I get it. You are a proud person. You want everyone to have a chance to state their opinion. Sad thing is, that’s not the problem here. There’s a bunch of actual racists convincing people that they should be upset over this when in reality it’s a damn movie. And sadly people fall for it. I used to be one of these people. When Scarlet Johansson plays Asian characters I followed the crowd saying “she’s a good actress, the character is an android anyways, who cares!?!?”
No? You clearly didn’t even watch my video. I stated several times then and now that I KNOW that SOME people are racist who feel that way. However, you have NO RIGHT to label EVERYONE “most likely racist” for not wanting Ariel to be black. That is a hive minded way of thinking, you can’t compare this to Black Panther because the complaints are completely different, and the point that I originally made in my video is that people are not nuanced. You are thinking in black and white. Just because I am willing to acknowledge that a LOT of people just genuinely don’t want her to change and aren’t racist doesn’t mean that I am saying that NO ONE or MANY PEOPLE aren’t racist who feel that way. I’m saying its a mixed bag of opinions and not to lump every stranger who complains about it into one big group. How the hell can you complain about people labeling everyone sjws for a conservative agenda but at the same time you are labeling everyone who isn’t black, who doesn’t like this casting choice “most likely racist.” It’s not objective at all and you aren’t any smarter from the Black Panther incident by doing this. You don’t even realize that your mistake in both of these cases is that you looked at the responses in black or white. Either ALL/MOST complaints are racist or ALL/MOST complaints are not. That is a horrible way to discern the truth of any situation. And that mentality is exactly what I was ranting about in my video.
"But then to see the same people who I’ve sided with on the Ghost of the Shell debate all of a sudden throw a fit when a Black person is casted as Ariel? I realized there is something wrong. I didn’t accuse them of being racist. Because then I would’ve been racist. So I asked myself, why are people so weird about this sort of stuff? It’s cause our society was racist from the start. We value white skills, and we can make them take over any minority movie."
“The same people.” Who are these people? Again you are lumping everyone together. It’s so ridiculous.
"But when a minority takes a traditionally “white” role even though it’s not exclusive, all hell breaks lose. I don’t find all NotMyAriel logic racist.....but a lot of them come from racist rhetorics. When you go down to their core, they are very simple in logic. And the reason they are simple is because the racists spurred out the nonsense first. People just don’t realize it"
Not only is your own logic very simple minded but you aren’t even familiar with the term “Racebending Redheads” Which has been a trend lately. For some reason redheads are just raceless as characters and can just be swapped out with a black person. They keep doing it in movies and redheads are also complaining about this more and more. There are a lot of redheads who have an issue with Ariel’s new casting choice and rightfully so.
“ I mean do you know how many “What if we made Pocahontas white” I’ve seen? Or “What about Danish culture and redhead representation?!?:” all of which Danish people and redheads don’t give a damn. But that’s why these arguments are so....silly"
Lol but redheads do give a damn. Racebending Redheads is a thing. And yeah the Danish argument may be silly but you are literally cherry picking! What the hell? Did I ever bring up Danish culture in my video? Nope. Why not address the argument that people would rather see Princess Tiana as a Jamaican Actress than a light skinned African American who is from the same culture. Why? Because her character is dark skinned. So yeah this isn’t a cultural issue which is even more of a reason why you can’t compare it to Black Panther lol.
"Anyways, sorry for commenting so much. You seem like a well rounded individual and it’s always sad to see intelligent people fall into the same trap I fell into. Basically just really dig deep into these conversations"
TL;DR
You’re so condescending though. Insinuating that “smart people” are the ones who are “seeing through all of these lies.” I don’t agree with you so by your statement I am “not smart” until I do. In other words, you’re apologizing for the wrong thing. Like I said, you’re cherry picking what to argue against and then when its something you can’t argue against you just say crap like, “I used to feel the same way. Smart people are seeing through it. Did you know x y z that is completely unrelated to any of the good points that you made? Oh and I personally experienced a b c which is also unrelated to your 20 minute video.” Those aren’t counterarguments or realizations. It’s just bs and you aren’t listening to anything that disagrees with you whereas I am reading all of this junk and responding to what YOU SAID and countering it. Not replying with a bunch of unrelated strawmans and whataboutism.
#ariel is black#the little mermaid#racebending readheads#racebending#opinion archive#rant archive#controversial#racism#bigotry#nuance#close minded#simple minded#bias#confirmation bias#halle bailey#disney
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2016: The Year In Review by Matt Payton
These are my top ten lists for the year. I was going to write something about each entry, but then I got distracted by digging through the Wikileaks archive.
I decided to paste e-mails from the DNC leak that mention the titles of everything on this list. The following e-mails are what came up for each title search on the DNC server.
They keep up on a lot of pop culture so that they can use it in more innovative ways to lose elections. Let’s see what they were talking about in 2016!
THE BEST 10 ALBUMS I HEARD IN 2016
1. Kanye West The Life Of Pablo
From: [email protected]
Subject: Music
Hey, have you heard the new Kanye album? It’s really great and patched together in the best way possible. Speaking of which, I’m really excited about how the campaign is being ran this year. I’m so glad we’re not wasting time in Wisconsin. If there’s anything voters there aren’t susceptible to it’s populism!
2. The Julie Ruin Hit Reset
From: [email protected]
Subject: Tonight
Hi honey, I’m going to be a little late tonight so don’t wait up for me. Also, could you pick up a copy of Hit Reset by the band The Julie Ruin? I heard some youngsters here at the office listening to it and the melodies get stuck in your head something fierce. Also, if you ever need to get into my e-mail for whatever reason my password is HiHackers,FeelFreeToDownloadWhateverYouNeed1.
3. The Sun Days Album
From: [email protected]
Subject: A Little Help
John, I was just listening to The Sun Days and thinking about how every song seems to be kissed by the sun when I realized that I need to send you guys the questions to tonight’s debate in advance to make sure that your candidate seems as rehearsed as possible. The audience really responds to comeback one-liners that seem like they have been focus-grouped.
4. Radiohead A Moon Shaped Pool
From: [email protected]
Subject: So do I just type
here whatever I want and then the postman comes and picks it up and delivers it to the person I write in the receivership box? That’s pretty good actually. I want egg salad for lunch, who I do talk to about...hey young person in their 40s, you left a copy of your compact disc here. Mind if I give it a listen? Oh these strings are pretty. What’s that? I have to talk out loud to have a conversation with you in person? Let me put this computation device down for a second...
5. AJJ The Bible 2
From: [email protected]
Subject: Formality
Hi everyone, so excited for a tight primary race tomorrow. I think some good competition makes us all stronger candidates. I appreciate the party providing such worthy opponents like the dude from Maryland and that guy who wears shirts. I’m linking to a song by AJJ, which I’ll admit I accidentally stumbled on while going on a Steely Dan wild goose chase on the internet.
6. Ty Segall Emotional Mugger
From: [email protected]
Subject: Wooohooo!
John, I’m getting all pumped up for tonight’s VP candidate debate by listening to the new Ty Segall album and all his excellent out put of garage/psych rock. I’m thinking of drinking 8 pots of coffee beforehand and interrupting my opponent the whole time, thus making him look sane and rational by comparison. I don’t know, just spitballing here. E-mail me back in 20 seconds if you don’t want me to go in that direction, otherwise I’ll assume that’s cool with you.
7. A Tribe Called Quest We Got It From Here... Thank You 4 Your Service
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Wooohooo!
Hey Tim, just read your e-mail a few minutes ago so I missed the cutoff but I think that’s a great idea! My only advice would be to turn up the smug as high as possible when talking about your opponent’s supporters. We’ve been working hard on this throughout the campaign and I think it’s really going to pay off in November. Just be as consistent as these new bootleg Tribe tracks I'm listening to right now. The new album is going to be really good. Phife Dawg will be missed.
8. Japanese Breakfast Psychopomp
From: [email protected]
Subject: All yours
Hey baby, I got someone else to accept the major strings attached money from foreign governments for the foundation for the next few months, so I can give all my focus to the campaign. I’m going to be like this new band, Japanese Breakfast: hunker down on one thing and do it well. Are there any black candidates you’re running against like last time so I can imply that the country won’t elect one of them at campaign rallies? Or should I come up with some new stuff?
9. Mark Wynn Singles - But They're Not Really Singles, I Just Sent Them to the Screen and Said They Were Singles
From: [email protected]
Subject: Luckily no one will ever read this
I can’t help but notice that you’ve lost some momentum in the primary race. Far be it from me to give one candidate advice over the other as I must stay impartial, hahahahahaha! sorry, but your opponent’s whole Jewish atheist thing is just sitting there ripe for the pickin’. Also, check out the new Mark Wynn album. It’s wordy and weird as hell. You’ll hate it.
10. DIIV Is the Is Are
From: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Happy to help
Ms. Clinton, thank you so much for sending over the new DIIV album, does this qualify as shoegaze? Neo-shoegaze? I don’t know, I just like it. Anyway, I was just going over some policy papers and had some ideas about the Earned Income Tax Credit that I’d love to discuss with you in person later. Also, at tomorrow’s rally shall I squirt whipped cream out of my tits or just lick some off of a phallic symbol? Ohians love it when celebrities endorse politicians, we’re going to set that place on fire!
THE BEST 10 SONGS I HEARD IN 2016
1. The Sun Days “Don’t Need To Be Them”
youtube
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey gals
Just me here, another fellow lady listening to the best song of the year by The Sun Days and taking some pictures of my naked body. Want to share yours with me so we can compare and complain about cankles and what not? I definitely don’t let my husband or anyone else in the house use this computer so...
2. Animal Collective “FloriDada”
dailymotion
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...sorry about that, the UPS guy came to the door and my wife, I mean husband, definitely didn’t just walk by and I had to slam the laptop shut real quick. The UPS guy heard I was listening to Animal Collective and we talked for a minute. He was really cute, let’s talk about what qualities in men we find attractive in the most vivid detail...
3. Ty Segall “Candy Sam”
dailymotion
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...had to close the damn laptop again. I wish I had some more privacy...here at the Clinton campaign headquarters in...Brooklyn? I think that’s right. I’m about to film my self dancing topless to “Candy Sam” by Ty Segall. Anyone want to join? Just be sure to film in widescreen and...
4. The Julie Ruin “Rather Not”
youtube
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...ugh, sorry for all the interruptions. If you’re looking for more of a feminist flavor to shake your buns to might I suggest something from the new Julie Ruin album? “Rather Not” is a great track. Hey, that kind of sounds like “great rack,” do any of you...
5. Michael Kiwanuka “Black Man In A White World”
youtube
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...have one of those? I sure do and boy let me tell you how much of a pain they are. Let’s talk about it together over IM, but later tonight after our annoying families have gone to bed. I like to wear nothing to bed and listen to new soul music like “Black Man In A White World.” What do you like to wear to bed and/or listen to at night? If you only can answer one make it the first...
6. Japanese Breakfast “In Heaven”
youtube
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...but now I’m listening to a dreamy song called “In Heaven” and it makes me think of my husband, Anthony. He’s real dreamy himself. Do any of you think so? I’d love to hear any fantasies you’ve had about him along with your area code...
7. Kanye West “Real Friends”
youtube
From: [email protected]
>
Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...sorry about all these interruptions, I think it would be easier if we could have some sort of video chat instead of e-mail. I’d love to see your faces but my camera is on the fritz at the moment so I’ll just have to use a picture of my face instead. I can play you my favorite Kanye track of the new album...
8. American Wrestlers ”Vote Thatcher”
youtube
From: [email protected] To: [email protected] Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...I think I could be a DJ on the side. It’s not like I have much going on these days, I mean I totally have a full-time job working for Hillary and am not talking about my husband. I also totally trust him with my son during the day. He plays him music like “Vote Thatcher” by American Wrestlers and the keyboard riff gets stuck in his head. Speaking of, where is that little shit get off to...
9. Weezer “Do You Wanna Get High?”
youtube
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...found him taking a nap on the floor, so I can’t get in trouble for that. Not that I get in trouble for things. I’m Huma Abedin, not Anthony Weiner using her computer and e-mail address. That would just be silly. That would be like asking a Supreme Court justice, “Do you wanna get high?” which is something no one in our family has ever done while trying to pick up Sandra Day O’Connor...
10. Sioux Falls “3 Fast”
youtube
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey gals (Cont’d)
...anyway, if anyone wants classified government information I’d be happy to pass it along for pictures of your underwear. I’m buying some new ones tomorrow for our Sioux Falls trip and I need at least 3 pairs fast. But I want to know what’s popular and this is the only way to browse that makes sense.
THE BEST 10 MOVIES I SAW IN 2016
1. American Honey (Andrea Arnold)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Movie?
Hi mom, I’m going to the movies to see American Honey tonight. It’s supposed to be a real lived-in character study that really nails its setting. Do you want to go? It’s about people who live on the margins, so not exactly our demographic but it might be fun to see how the other 3/4ths live before swimming at the Goldman Sachs private pool tomorrow. Let me know. Love you!
2. Moonlight (Barry Jenkins)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Screening
John, we’re screening Moonlight at Camp David this weekend if you want to come check it out. If you need any more copies of that picture of Hillary sitting in the room when Bin Laden was killed so you can keep implying she was on the microphone telling them where to shoot, let me know. I think the voters are really buying that. Can’t wait for the blowout election results this fall! Well, gotta go appear on 52 more talk shows!
3. The Lobster (Yorgos Lanthimos)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Remember to pick up
- eggs
- milk
- pruning shears
- a copy of The Lobster
- shit to plant hedges with
4. The Handmaiden (Chan-wook Park)
From: [email protected]
Subject: This is silly
Hi Debbie, I’m sorry I even have to ask but did you pour sugar in my gas tank the night before I was scheduled to make a speech about the dangers of the big banks? My neighbor said he saw someone who looked exactly like you in my driveway that night on his way out to see The Handmaiden. He said it’s a great whodunit!
5. Hail, Caesar! (Ethan & Joel Cohen)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Brexit
I’m sure you all saw the news this morning about the Brexit vote and how this along with many other political movements might be indicative of some sort of worldwide trend toward populism. I wouldn’t worry about it and keep doing the same things we’ve always done and just assume people hate change and are happy with their lives for the most part. In fact, take the rest of the day off and go see the delightful new Cohen brother movie Hail, Caesar! I’m going to check out Rikki and the Flash, it will probably be better.
6. Green Room (Jeremy Saulnier)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Happy to help
Hillary, I’m happy to campaign for you anywhere you need me. I couldn’t help but notice that the election is in two days and you haven’t called me yet so hopefully you know I haven’t changed my number. You know, I enjoy nothing more than getting out there and talking energy policy with the folks! Anyway, see you in the green room at one of your big campaign events or at the victory party. I’ve cleared my schedule over the last two years just in case you need anything!
7. Everybody Wants Some!! (Richard Linklater)
From: [email protected]
Subject: You’re not even trying
You guys know we’ve been in here for a year, right? You don’t even make it hard for people. With all the people talking about how sensible you are on TV wearing horn-rimmed glasses you’d think one of them would be a tech nerd. We know what you’re having for breakfast every morning, we know you saw the new Richard Linklater movie last night and loved it. I even know that 90% of you won’t even read this e-mail unless it has the latest poll numbers in it and the other 10% will think it’s a message from Julian Lennon looking to volunteer as a poll worker. At least make your system a little hard to get into!
8. Paterson (Jim Jarmusch)
From: [email protected]
Subject: What the hell?
I’m at a fundraising event in Paterson, NJ right now and these weapon manufacturers keep coming up to me asking the next invasion Hillary plans on pushing strongly for. I told them that was the old Clinton mentality and they all just laughed and winked at me while pointing at their cufflinks and saying, “Daddy needs a new pair.” If you guys keep sending me to these things I’m bringing back the bangs.
9. Love & Friendship (Whit Stillman)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Thank you
I just want you to know I really appreciate all the love and friendship I got from you this week at the convention. I have really high hopes for this election. Doesn’t it just feel right when we run the candidate who has waited their turn instead of a brash, young upstart? People love voting for the person whose turn it is. That’s what Walter Mondale, Bob Dole, Al Gore, John Kerry, John McCain and Mitt Romney all told me!
10. Midnight Special (Jeff Nichols)
From: [email protected]
Subject: No big thang
Hey, don’t feel too bad about this e-mail scandal. Hell, I used a private server at the State Dept. and one of the biggest things I’m known for is using disingenuous intelligence for a flimsy excuse to take the country to war for 10 years. Pointing your finger at others and saying they did the same thing when you get caught breaking the rules that you don’t think apply to you is a time-honored strategy. I call it the old midnight special. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to e-mail someone else about you and the campaign, all in glowing terms, of course.
Honorable Mention:
Indignation (James Schamus)
Loving (Jeff Nichols)
Julieta (Pedro Almodóvar)
Hell or High Water (David Mackenzie)
Maggie's Plan (Rebecca Miller)
THE WORST 10 MOVIES I SAW IN 2016
1. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (Glenn Ficarra & John Requa)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Strategy
Hey John, I’m thinking of using the success of my husband’s presidency to run on but then when people bring up the bad parts of those years I’ll just say my husband’s not running. Thoughts?
2. Café Society (Woody Allen)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Strategy
That sounds great, kid! Also be sure to talk about leftist economic ideas like they’re pie-in-the-sky dreaming while most of them are just protections we had in place 50 years ago that worked for working people. Back in the days of Café Society, did you see that movie yet?
3. Passengers (Morten Tyldum)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: Strategy
I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m excited for it as I only like Woody Allen movies from the 2000s on, like anyone with great taste. Hold on, Bill sees a passenger on a private jet next to us and is going to go talk to her. Oh! It’s attorney general Loretta Lynch who it technically investigating me right now. This should be fine.
4. Ghostbusters (Paul Feig)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: Strategy
Oh great! Tell her hi for me. For the rallies later in the campaign I can’t get the guy who sang the Ghostbusters song but I can probably get Madonna. She’s from Michigan so that ought to nab us a few thousand out of work voters there.
5. Finding Dory (Andrew Stanton & Angus ManLane)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: re: Strategy
Perfect. Oh, before I forget I’m going to be unreachable on Saturday afternoon for a while because I’m taking my grandchild to see Finding Dory. I’m not sure what snacks to bring for it. Do kids still enjoy eating plums and chestnuts at the cinema?
6. The Secret Life Of Pets (Chris Renaud & Yarrow Cheney)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: Strategy
I don’t know, I haven’t interacted with someone born before 1967 since I saw The Big Chill. One of our donors said he just paid the cast of The Secret Life of Pets $500,000 each to do a live reading of that movie for his grandkid and they waited a whole 12 seconds before they said, “I hate you. What else do you got?”
7. Money Monster (Jodie Foster)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: Strategy
These kids don’t appreciate all the money we’ve worked so hard for. Now the little monsters are bitching about the price of college, as if they can’t make a few speeches when they’re older to make up for it. Speaking of which, is it too early to talk about some more banking deregulation? Because Wells Fargo really has their head between their legs and we should do something for them.
8. Southside With You (Richard Tanne)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Strategy
We’ll get them some green visors and those bands old timey casino employees used to wear around their upper sleeves for when they bet on firefighter pensions. Don’t forget about the Illinois primary next week. I’m going with you to the event on the south side.
9. Captain Fantastic (Matt Ross)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Strategy
Fantastic! Be sure to remind me to put hot sauce in my purse before we go to a restaurant there so people will believe that’s a thing I actually do and it will somehow endear me to them. I gotta go now, but thanks again for being the captain of this ship and running such a well-oiled machine of a campaign! I really appreciate all your hard work.
10. A Hologram For The King (Tom Tykwer)
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Strategy
You’re very welcome, ma’am. I look forward to the inevitability of our win. Some things in life are just guaranteed like us winning this election, the Cubs never winning the World Series and Tom Hanks being a solid box office draw in movies that are good. Speaking of which I’m off to see his new one, A Hologram For The King. I don’t even need to know anything about it ahead of time, I know it will be great!
Previous Years In Review
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