#I see how getting misgendered because 'short hair is boy' or 'short hair is NB' can be really annoying

[kjzx]

Binary stealth trans people wanting to be gendered correctly with the help of cultural gender role shortcuts 🤝 NB people wishing people would ask about their identities instead of assuming 🤝 GNC cis people wanting to be gendered correctly in spite of their gender non-conformity

Despite the opposite desires sharing the life of getting by in a hostile world not built for them

Listen, the life experiences are not the same but I think there is or should be a way for these groups to coexist even if you're actively opposed to the idea of being treated the same way another person would dream of being treated

[northern-passage]

In regards to that last ask.... I do agree that it’s great to see so much trans rep in interactive fiction, and like... I love nb lea. It’s very clear that you’ve put a lot of thought into their experiences with gender and that does mean a lot. ...However, the thing that bothers me is that the player is the one that gets to determine Lea’s (and Noel’s) experience with gender. As a nb person that has also had a long, complicated journey with gender, I can say that my experience has been that, no matter how good their intentions are, if you give cis people even an inch of “wiggle room” (ex: saying you use she/they pronouns, you identify as a girl and a boy, saying you use any pronouns etc etc) a majority of the time, they will use what is most comfortable for them while using excuses like “But it’s kind of uncomfortable for me, and you use those pronouns anyways right? So it’s fine to refer to you as a [insert agab here] right?” (This is based off of things that I’ve seen or experienced, to be clear.)

And like maybe I’m just cynical, and obviously not every trans/nb person has the same experience, but it’s just uncomfortable to think that if a cis person doesn’t like the idea of a character being trans or nonbinary, they can simply choose for them to... not be.

On the other hand, I do understand that you want to be able to represent a variety of identifies and experiences, and that’s a difficult thing to do when there are only 4 ros. And again, though as a general rule I don’t like nb gender selectable characters (for reasons previously stated), I do really love nonbinary and trans lea because of the care you’ve taken to write them and their experiences.

So... in the end I’m not sure what the best thing to do here is. I just figured since the discussion is happening, I should give my two cents as a genderqueer person, as I feel like it’s important to get as many different perspectives when representing minorities. (In truth, I had been thinking about sending in an ask broaching this subject before, but I didn’t want to add more stress when it seems like you’re constantly dealing with assholes and I wasn’t ever sure how to approach you about it sjdkfflflflfl. I can only apologize for taking this long to speak up 😔)

no need to apologize! these conversations are always intimidating on both sides, and like i said this is something i've had a lot of discussion about already with a lot of people behind the scenes, so it's not like it's blindsided me or anything.

i know exactly what you mean in regards to cis people - i've actually had this conversation with some other authors and readers. you're right, at the end of the day certain cishet readers are going to purposefully ignore a characters identity, no matter what it says in the text; people already do this with clementine, all the way to just outright misgendering them or requesting them to be gender selectable, even though they are literally locked nonbinary. i knew this would happen all the way back when i first posted the demo on the forums (and this is also a big part of why i no longer am active on the forums and have locked the thread) and it's something i've just kind of had to make peace with.

i know nothing i do will change these people's minds, and i have no interest in coddling them or holding their hands - and honestly my stories aren't for people like them, anyways. however, that being said i also don't want to perpetuate anything harmful that bigots can misinterpret and use against marginalized people in their real lives.

and i definitely get where you’re coming from when it comes to gender selectable characters - generally i don’t actually mind it myself, and i actually like it when i can make an RO nb, but i do think it becomes a problem when the author uses it to uphold cissexist and heterosexist ideas of gender and drastically changes the character.

like f!version is short and petite and wears lots of makeup and has long flowing hair…. but m!version is tall and muscular and has short hair and wouldn’t touch makeup with a ten foot pole lmfao like that shit is painful. i haven't really seen this much in wips, to be honest, but more in published games with cog/hg.

this is also where you tend to see no nb options, except for MC, and no other nb characters in the whole game, which makes it feel incredibly insincere and like the nb customization was just tacked on to the character creator as an afterthought.

which leads me to say that i do think people that include nb as a selectable option for ROs don't do it with the intention of letting cis people ignore the characters gender identity, but more so that they can just include nb people. it's just unfortunate that there will always be people that will twist that and use it to invalidate the nb identities.

i have noticed more recently though that a lot of authors refer to their gender selectable characters with gender neutral language on blogs/in extra content outside of their games, and request that readers do the same, and in my opinion it makes the effort to include the nb option more genuine, and it's something i really like seeing.

i do feel like IF in general is trending back towards gender-locking characters, though, and i don't think that's a bad thing, since i also feel that it's trending towards being more diverse and inclusive as well. it's exciting to see more locked nb RO options, or ROs who are gay, lesbian, or trans, etc.

my biggest take away from all of the conversations i've had so far is that... it IS difficult to come to a real satisfying conclusion. i've had a lot of really positive feedback regarding lea's identity, and now i've had some more critical feedback about it, as well. ultimately, gender is something we can talk about until the cows come home and everyone will still have different opinions and experiences. and with interactive fiction, you want the game to feel inclusive of all different kinds of MCs but you also don't want to compromise the characters and their identities. it's a lot to think about!! but i really hope i can find a good balance going forward.

thank you for sharing your thoughts. like i said before, this is something i've been thinking on a lot and always have in the back of my mind while writing - not just tnp but writing anything in general.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Hi! I think I might be genderqueer, and I like to wear traditionally feminine things (makeup/dresses/high heels) but it also makes me uncomfortable because I don’t want people seeing me as a girl (I’m afab). If there a way to wear what I want without being read as female? Thank you!

Lee says:

Honestly, if you’re afab and pre-medical transitioning, sometimes you have to make a choice between passing and presenting yourself in a way that others will perceive as feminine. There’s just no way around that.

It’s totally a valid desire to wear makeup and dresses and high heels, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do “feminine” things or present yourself with a feminine gender expression, and in an ideal world you’d be able to be recognized and respected as your real gender regardless of appearance.

Gender expression isn’t the same thing as gender identity:

The genderbread person

Separating Out Gender Identity from Gender Expression

What is gender expression?

So choosing to present yourself in a way that’s typically feminine like wearing dresses doesn’t make you any less valid as a non-binary person. It’s fine and valid to be non-binary and still present in a masculine or feminine way. You don’t have to have an androgynous appearance to be non-binary. So I’d like to make that clear before we continue..

Passing involves someone unconsciously and rapidly taking in a bunch of factors about your appearance, your voice, and your demeanor and then automatically mentally assigning you a gender. Some features are more important than others in this mental categorization; facial hair is often a bigger indicator than hip size, for example.

This isn’t like a conscious checklist people go through every time they see you; society trains our brains to automatically and unconsciously take in gendered features and categorize them as feminine or masculine to spit out a binary gender association.

But when you’re visibly gender non-conforming, or androgynous or just visibly non-cis, that tends to throw a wrench in the works and you can tell because the cis people start to like stare at your chest or something and you can see the gears turning in their heads as they try to figure out what gender you are- or more accurately, they want to figure out what gender you were assigned at birth and/or what genitals you have.

There are some afab people who haven’t medically transitioned and can still wear heels, makeup, and a dress and not be gendered by female by strangers. Binding, getting short hair, voice training, and sometimes fake facial hair and masculine makeup (in stage or cosplay settings usually) can help, but many afab people won’t be able to not be seen as female while wearing a dress even if they’re doing those things. There are lucky folks who just have the right genes and naturally look masculine enough to wear what they want and still pass- they do exist!- but that isn’t the case for most folks.

So if you’re on that line of passing vs not passing where you aren’t being consistently gendered as male or as female, those little gendered features and cues add up because people are consciously scrutinizing you. And the cues of “dress, high heels, makeup” are going to tip you into being read as a girl if you’re afab and on that middle line of passing.

It’s really hard to pass as non-binary- I’m also nb and I’ve found that strangers who can’t tell what gender you are sometimes refer to you with (maybe randomly chosen) gendered pronouns and gendered terms anyway because they’re stuck in a binary mindset and don’t know what else to do, or they become hostile and you find yourself getting shouted at when you enter the women’s locker room so you go to the men’s locker room and then they tell you to leave there too. 

This isn’t always the case, but yeah, it is hard to pass as non-binary so not wanting people to see you as a girl might mean compromising on them seeing you as a boy. But that’s my personal experience- and if you want to try to pass as non-binary then go for it, but you may want to lean towards the masc side of androgynous if you’re afab and don’t want to be read as a woman so if a stranger feels like they “have” to pick a binary to gender you as, then they won’t be as likely to pick female.

So if you’re not interested in medically transitioning, which is valid, you may find you have to counter the characteristics about your voice/body that are read as female by going towards as masculine gender expression. The clothing you wear, your hairstyle, all that is part of passing too, and the accumulation of traits is more important overall than just one single one. The links below have tips on passing as male:

How to pass as male

Guide to being read as male

Passing tips

Transmasculine passing tips

FTM passing tips

Passing and presentation

Masculine body language

How do I know if I’m passing?

If you’re constantly passing (and obviously hormones help with this) you can often get away with “bigger” things and still pass. When you’re pre/non-HRT, the small things add up because they have to counter the unwanted feminine/masculine things about your bod, but when you’re passing more consistently then something like wearing makeup will stop being cuing that automatic misgender because they’re going to read other gender cues that they deem as more significant. 

Testosterone FAQ

Top surgery

Facial masculinization surgery

Body masculinization surgery

Hysterectomy and oophorectomy

Bottom surgery (genital surgery)

But- if you do end up passing, either through changing your presentation and/or HRT, and strangers do see you as a man wearing a dress instead of as a woman wearing a dress, you’re going to face some toxic masculinity and misplaced transmisogyny. So there are safety risks there too because you could be harassed.

As for right now, you might have to choose between not being seen as female and your ideal presentation if you’re a pre-everything AFAB person and you tend to get misgendered when you wear makeup, heels and a dress. Either choice is valid, but there is a choice.

However, you don’t have to fully do one or the other, and it’s possible to wear heels and makeup on some days, then present yourself in a typically masculine way on other days to pass.

All that applies to strangers though- if you surround yourself with supportive friends who will respect your non-binary identity, you should be able to wear whatever you want to around them and they shouldn’t gender you as female because they understand that you aren’t, no matter what you wear. 

You may have to explain your nb identity and the difference between gender identity and gender expression, but there are people out there who will love and support you even if you don’t have them around you just yet. 

Having that network of social supports who will always gender you correctly will help even if you can’t get strangers to do so, and we have a Dysphoria page with tips on coping with dysphoria which may be helpful for the times when you don’t get gendered correctly. 

[ashby-santoso]

I’m really here for some queer Harry/Ginny headcanons

Bi Ginny likes flying with the Holyhead Harpies because there are lots of other queer women there. Her mother still doesn’t really understand why it’s important, and her father is supportive but asks millions of questions...but thank Merlin, Harry just gets it. He does a bunch of the admin in the background for her, and jokes around with her team mates, and when she hears about a new sport they’re playing in the states he runs lots of the errands and makes the sign-up sheets while Ginny does all the front-line organising. She is completely psyched for running the UK’s first magical roller derby league.

NB Ginny who was always a tomboy but never thought it might mean something more, who worries Harry won’t want them, who lives under the crushing weight of misgendering every day...NB Ginny is working on getting their shit together. They cut their hair short to try and make people see them right - it doesn’t work so sometimes they still charm it long because they like the way it frames their face. They do what they fucking want thanks. (But it’s lonely.) (And they’re tired.) But since they came out, they’ve had a few old school friends get in touch unexpectedly. Luna’s no surprise, but Dean Thomas? It’s a funny way to reconnect with an ex, but Dean’s been making friends with all the queers in london and they can show Ginny around and make them feel normal again and honestly thank merlin for genderqueer exes.

Trans boy Ginny didn’t know anything about transness. He worried that the masculine aspect of himself was Tom Riddle, still inside him. It was Harry coming out to him as bi that finally made him break down, and the years between his 22nd and 25th birthdays were just a patchwork of fear and pain and loneliness…but also, ultimately, of growth. Every version of Ginny has intrusive thoughts about Tom Riddle, and in the end every version has learned to manage them, even if it was harder for some than others. But anyway, things are better now. He knows where he’s at, mostly. And Harry says his new stubble is cute. (It takes a while for anyone to remember that Arthur Weasley had 6 older brothers, and that this makes trans boy Ginny the 7th son of a 7th son...but that’s another story.)

Trans girl Harry (just like all the Harrys) hates the press, but Colin Creevey’s been moving higher and higher at the Daily Prophet and he does love to write about her. It’s hard to be annoyed when it’s all articles about her latest Quidditch successes and recaps of key moments in the second war, the text still humiliatingly enthusiastic but emblazened with THE GIRL WHO LIVED in enormous print. Ginny buys them all and pins them up in the bathroom to make her laugh. Molly Weasley has taken to knitting Harry fluffy, aggressively pink jumpers with curly H’s on them and she’s not sure how to tell Molly that she’s actually kind of a butch lesbian and her wardrobe is 90% flannel. It’s ok though, Hermione basically lives in Weasley jumpers these days because the unspeakables tend to work long hours in cold rooms with no dresscode. The two of them have this cute little butch-and-femme-best-pals routine going on and it’s fun to give her the jumpers and then borrow them back sometimes.

Ace Harry thought he couldn’t really be with anyone, and it was chewing him up inside. Ron couldn’t see what the fuss was about - “well, could you just date somebody and not have sex with them?” - which was sort of unhelping but also sort of really comforting. Hermione made him worried he might have all sorts of deadly diseases (“Google says it could be a symptom –”) until she found AVEN and figured it out. Harry cried. He and Ginny had lots of conversations, and it was painful but they said everything they needed to and then they got married. A little while later, Charlie talks to Ron who talks to Fleur who talks to Bill who talks to Ginny who encourages Harry to go to France to visit Bill. Fleur declares that she Knew Eet All Along and Bill takes him out to a grotty Parisian bar to meet a motley assortment of other aces and aros with an array of partners, friends and hangers-on. Being Bill’s friends, they are all much cooler than Harry and want to talk about things like French anarchist politics and how to look after facial piercings, but they also make asexuality jokes at every opportunity and they’re obviously keen to make him feel included. It’s…nice. He’s still mostly closeted but now he has a little fantasy of starting up an ace pick-up Quidditch team someday.

Ace Ginny takes years to figure it out. When she finally does, the really important things between her and Harry don’t change - the late-night conversations, the stupid Quidditch jokes, being there when he comes home from therapy every week. Knowing she’s ace makes her happier, calmer, more centred - but sometimes the weight of the world comes down on her shoulders, the weight of every book and film and conversation telling her there is something wrong with her. Then she doesn’t feel like touching him, doesn’t want to curl up and cuddle like she usually does - but this is nothing new for them. Harry has bad days of his own sometimes and so they already have their own little language of fist bumps instead of hugs, blown kisses and cups of tea and giving each other lots of personal space in a way that adds up to saying, I love you. Ginny starts volunteering at a wizarding LGBTQIA charity, and she doesn’t really talk about her personal life in the Daily Prophet interviews she does but she makes sure all the people who matter know where she’s at, and she makes sure everyone knows what she thinks. She supplies Harry with hundreds of shiny pamphlets to put in the back of his Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, so all his students will know it’s ok to be queer or ace or trans. The pamphlets disappear startlingly quickly, and he says it’s the only time he’s really proud to hear hero-worshipful teenagers saying Well HARRY POTTER told me or Did you know that GINNY WEASLEY says...

[bitter-bitchbites]

Genuine question, if being trans isn't seen as a medical condition isn't that a bad thing? Insurance wouldn't cover life saving surgeries/hormones, so isn't that detrimental and against the trans communities interests?

“fair” point in theory, but you’re not seeing the matter from the right angle, because you got a transantagonistic and cissexist bias.

being trans isn’t a medical condition and it does not inherently implies medical care. 

transitioning does. like, yeah, hrt, surgeries, stuff that some trans people need so their dysphoria stop beating them in a metaphorical bloody pulp, because they need their body changed so they stop feeling so suicidal. insurance should cover that, because yeah, their mental health and life depend on it.

and no, the “trans” isn’t short for “transitionning”. it’s short for “transgender”, that was thought to contrast with “cisgender”, and “trans” has the sense of “crossing to the other/another side here, while “cis” means staying on the same side one starts on, more or less. that’s ancient greek, i think. so being trans isn’t defined by transitionning. transitionning is a choice, and sometimes it’s not, because sometimes it’s the only solution to not break because of dysphoria.

because of course, dysphoria is also its own medical thing, it’s a mental disorder, that can cause depression, self harm, self hatred, and suicidal urges.

but not every trans person has deadass terrible dysphoria that we can’t deal with without changing our bodies at a high price. some have mild dysphoria, that they can deal with haircuts, different clothes, and shaping their bodies in one they like themselves as and all. sometimes it’s bargaining because they can’t afford surgery, but sometimes, they just don’t feel like they need surgery. and yeah im mainly talking about nb trans ppl, altho there gotta be binary trans ppl who are like that too. i just know that it’s smtg we nb ppl often feel like. 

nonbinary ppl show that (hence why transmedicalists aka truscums hate us, tho idk why they care so much about pathologizing us and themselves). we don’t always hate our body. there are trans ppl, nb or not, that don’t suffer dysphoria, because dysphoria isn’t smtg you’re born with, it’s a disorder that’s caused by a bad environment that triggers it. 

extreme example, imagine a trans boy who’s forced at age 0 into pink dresses, pink shoes, pink hats, drinks from pink cups, in a pink chair, sleeps in a pink bed, in a pink room. and he’s said “you’re a girl girly girl” all the time, goes to dancing class because “that’s what girls do”, is put on make up cuz “that’s what girls like” and can’t put on pants cuz “that’s not a girl thing”. forced in a cissexist bs mold. a nightmare. it’s not that that makes him a boy, he was a boy at age 0, regardless or circumstances; but he grew in an environment he could not be comfortable exploring his identity and questioning his assigned gender. and that’s going to worsen his already possible dysphoria. 

but being trans isn’t what’s going to make him break down and slap his abusive mother with that fucking pink violin, and run away to live with his bf in the next state raising cats, no, that’s his anger caused by the hurt of his many mental illnesses, dysphoria being one of them.

being trans doesn’t cause pain. it’s dysphoria’s fault. and not every trans person has dysphoria, and sometimes nb ppl have dysphoria, and sometimes not and they’re still trans, and some trans ppl’s dysphoria goes away at some point. but being trans doesn’t.

and take me for example. i have dysphoria. had it since i was 10. im a demigirl. that’s a nb(trans) woman identity. but i don’t wanna change my body with surgery. i don’t want to take away parts of myself, because i got enough of that, and i want to love my body. so instead i wanna add stuff, like letting my body hair do its thing, and not wearing bras and getting muscles, and asking ppl to use they/them for me, and not try and push me into being whatever tf they think a cis girl does. and that, plus mental work on my image, helped me tone down my dysphoria. maybe i’ll see if i can get hormones, if it doesn’t turn out i already have pocs. i was sick because of my dysphoria. not because im trans.

there’s a lot of cases like this that are weird and hard to understand, maybe, but they all point to one thing: the problem is dysphoria and other mental illnesses caused by being misgendered and abused.

i wanna be trans. i like that. it’s good, it’s me, it helps me, the community is mostly nice, im at peace with that label, and i don’t want to have it taken off. because that’s what it’d mean, to see transidentity as a medical condition. it’s be an illness. something to correct, to fight, to destroy. i don’t want to fight myself. neither does the majority of trans ppl.

so no, not pathologizing transidentity isn’t anywhere near detrimental to the trans community. because we still have valid problems that deserve specific attention, we still have dysphoria, we still want to transition, and we deserve the health care that we need to cope with cissexist abuse. the problem isn’t being trans. it’s the environment, the ppl, the society we live in. and doctors already know that. they don’t allow you to get hrt on insurance because you’re trans. they do because they dx you have dysphoria. that’s literally how they decide if we deserve to get the treatment we know we need. sometimes they won’t even dx ppl with dysphoria that they have dysphoria, because they’re “too mentally ill for that”, or “too sane to be trans”. and hormones don’t even cost as much as we gotta pay them. the prices are artificially inflated, like most medicines, because a compagny own them.

trans ppl don’t need to be pathologized to get the issues linked to our marginalized identity acknowledged. insurance would/should cover surgery and hrt regardless of what ppl think being trans is. because when we say we got a fucking problem or need things, we should be listened.

we would be, if our society cared. we wouldn’t be pathologized if our governments weren’t cissexist trans-hating little shits.

another example, a comparison this time. being afab isn’t an illness. but we still need medical attention, like detecting breast and uterus cancers, or other gyneacological treatment that can be a matter of life and death. and to that, you add the mental baggage caused by being in a mysoginistic cissexist patriarchy. sounds like worth being covered by insurance, uh? well not to many pseudo-civilized countries, but to the happiest on earth, it does, and it works. and yet being afab, especially a cis woman, isn’t an illness, or a curse.

because yeah, we also used to think that women were inherently sick and taht they needed men’s guidance and validation to be allowed to live, it’s just the same fucking mentality, but applied to trans ppl, with cis ppl. 

we’re not the correct gender, we don’t even perform it correctly, so we’re not worth being cared and listened to.

that’s victim blaming. that’s putting ppl under oppression, making them grow in a toxic environment they can’t escape from because it’s their very identity that’s thought to be inherently hostile, and we tell them it’s their fault. that they’re sick and that’s it.

considering being trans a medical condition is fucking murder. you’re placing the power in cis ppl’s hands doing that, because that means we’re to be corrected, and only them can do that. it also gatekeeps from getting treatment. it also misplaces the blame on our identity when it should be on our oppression.

being transmedicalist is allyship to the cistem. that’s believing the lie they made up to say we only deserve care if we accept that we’re sick, and to be ashamed.

im repeating myself, but insurance should cover our treatments for our dysphoria, and let us do what we wish of our bodies and identity as we endanger no one. nobody is allowed to call us ill for what we are while ignoring what we suffer of. we should get at least partially insurance covered surgery and hrt and completely insurance covered when we have dysphoria. it’s possible. spain does it, in good enough conditions. yeah, spain, the catholic country that was still a royalist dictatorship fourty years ago. and france too, can do the insurance coverage, even if it’s harder because you need psychiatric approval first, which is bs and intrusive. 

we aren’t sick for being trans, we deserve to be listened on our terms, that’s not a fleeting dream, and that’s not up to debate. 

and we’re going to change shit so we can get that.

[writterings]

hey im nb/ag and my name is alex but anyway i really want to start T but my family is really, really poor and im guessing my insurance doesn't cover that and im also worried that if i start it I won't like it or something but i want a lower voice and to look less like a girl ffffffff dysphoria is my middle name tbh .,..,., ., .

hey alex, i’m so sorry for answering this late!! i’ve been on mobile literally all day yesterday and today and i felt as though this ask needed a longer answer than i was able to type on my phone. 

anyways! dsyphoria sucks major ass, and if it was a physical thing i would punch it for you. HOWEVER, i do have some advice that could possibly help if you’re interested, and some advice on going on T. 

i’ll put that all below the cut:

T Facts:

first things first, some insurances offer coverage for hormones. i suggest you look into company yours is through and to what extent it goes to (basically just google your insurance company’s name along with “hrt” or something like that, you should find answers pretty quick)

next, T does drastically change your body -- but at a gradual pace. if you see something you don’t like happening, it’ll be pretty easy to quit T and that certain effect should wear off after you stop your use. just be warned, if you do continue T beyond that point, that effect will develop however. 

T can cause cystic acne, hair growth all over your body, and clitoris enlargement (bc a penis is actually an overgrown clit tbh -- but that’s just another story), BUT it can also cause vocal cords thickening for a deeper voice, increased body muscles, and your jaw may become squarer. there are also other side effects -- both good and bad -- and if you’re seriously considering going on T i recommend researching it thoroughly. 

the price of T can range tremendously, especially in regards to what type you get (ex: shots vs pills vs patches). i suggest you research that as well and figure out which form of it would be the best for you considering your family’s situation. 

you typically need a gender therapist/a therapist in general to help get you on T. medical doctors want a note saying yes, indeed, you are trans before they give you any hormones. luck with this many vary. 

****disclaimer: please note i am not on T and have not taken it, i’ve just researched it along with my gender therapist a lot considering i am trying to get on it within the next few months/this school year 

Passing/Kicking Dsyphoria’s Ass/Looking Less Like A Girl:

this part is easier and cheaper than going on T tbh. first things first, you’re going to want to work on your mannerisms. to talk the talk, ya gotta walk the walk pretty much tbh. the things below will help you with the whole “appearing less like a girl” thing:

square your shoulders and stand with them back when you walk. this doesn’t have to be all the time, but it makes you look taller, thinner, and more intimidating. guys tend to walk like this, and it could be good for presenting androgynously for when you’re not exactly presenting as a guy.

when walking, look over people’s heads in the direction you’re going in. they’ll subconsciously get out of your way then. guys tend not to move out of the way for people when they’re about to collide when walking at each other, so this will help

spread your legs when you sit

take up as much space as you want when walking/standing somewhere (without being rude)

don’t look people in the eye as much when you talk to them

shake people’s hands when you meet them. and i mean. all the time. especially if it’s a guy. even if you’ve met them before.

now here’s some fashion advice:

get a binder. a good one. i personally recommend getting a gc2b one, directly off their website and ordering a size above the one you would usually wear in shirts. it WILL make you as relatively flat as you need, but will take some breaking in. their binders are about 30$ so if you need to save up, i seriously recommend investing in them. research the risks of binding, also. 

you don’t need a packer. no one cares that much to check down there.

don’t wear button down shirts unless you’re at a formal event. button down shirts call too much attention to you when you’re someplace casual, and people will stare. because they’re staring at you too long, they’ll stare at the parts they shouldn’t be  and then misgender you as a girl. however, they do think they’re properly gendering you, of course -- cis people pride themselves on figuring out people’s “”””Real”””” genders and then calling them she/he despite how the person is not dressed like a she/he. (and they don’t even consider the person is a “they”)

wear t-shirts instead, and one that’s in your proper size. no baggy Ts. regular, fitting ones are lighter and more form fitting so they make you look more attractive and they call less attention to yourself. don’t worry about your breasts or curves showing if you have them -- if you look androgynous or like a guy enough people won’t question them. (and this is coming from someone with double d breasts who just got called a “he” in walmart despite how i was only wearing a sports bra)

cargo shorts are ugly but literally talk to any guy and he owns like ten pairs. also every butch lesbian friend i have loves them as well. they’re a win if you’re aiming for androgyny/looking more masculine. they also have so many pockets. i recommend cargo shorts. 

wear your pants/shorts below your belly. it’s just a guy thing to do. 

TAKE CARE OF YOUR SHOES!!!! AND GET GOOD ONES!!! you’re agender but i don’t know how much you want to look like a guy, but lemme tell ya guys take GOOD CARE of their shoes. literally, once i started passing as a guy all the dudes at my school starting making fun of my shoes because they were a no-name brand and had holes in them. shoes are important. i can understand if you can’t afford jordans or doc martins (bc i sure as hell cant lol) but just take care of what you got. 

grooming/personal care

don’t shave your legs

let your eyebrows grow out

ditch the bangs. bangs are feminizing. (i recommend a fade away tbh -- they’re pretty androgynous haircuts)

tbh i recommend shaving your pits because they get smelly if you don’t

shave your face. everyone naturally has peach fuzz on their face and teenage boys typically start shaving off whatever they got on them when they reach high school. also, it will start growing in more thicker and faster when you do this, if you want a beard. 

voice

you can actually naturally lower your voice without going on T. 

first, you can try speaking at a lower pitch. this will hurt after you do it for a while so i don’t recommend it too much. 

you can also try vocal exercises to warm up to that. i personally use the “bing-bong-king-kong” method, where i say all those words and go down a pitch on each word, and draw out the syllabels so it’s like “oooooong”

singing along to guy’s part’s in songs and trying to match their pitches actually helps a lot! i hope your a musical fan because trying to do “waving through a window” from dear evan hansen has actually helped me a lot

this link should help you

anyways...that’s all the advice i got! sorry if you weren’t actually looking for advice tho lol. i hope this was able to help in some way. if you ever need someone to talk to, my inbox and DMs are always open. good luck, alex.

[mystrothedefender]

Do you have any stories about knowing how you were trans or like how you transitioned to become satisfied with yourself? (you dont have to answer if youre uncomfortable with it)

It’s ok I don’t mind answering questions like this coz I figure it might help a couple of kids figure out who they are.

See I haven’t actually transitioned in the proper sense of the word, I’m not on T, I rarely bind my chest (but that’s because I hate the pressure it puts on my chest ugh kmn) or anything like that, I’ve transitioned in the sense that I only wear guys clothes, I have my hair short, and most importantly(to me at least) I think of myself as a guy and my partner is fully aware of my trans-ness and how far I plan to go in terms of transition(which is like all the fucking way lol).The reason I haven’t transitioned is that my partner and I are planning to have a kid and I want to wait until that’s over before I do anything, I don’t want to get stuck mid transition for 9 months.

Now, as far as stories about how I knew I was trans, I’m pretty sure I’ve posted about it before but it was ages ago and I don’t remember what I wrote. There are a few little things from my childhood that makes sense to me now as trans hints so to say -eg wishing I was able to pee standing(at the age of like 6), purposefully sitting like my dad/uncles, only wanting to play with the boys, and protesting to the teachers about being put on the girls team (’you’re such a self hating girl you need to get over it’-my year 10 english teacher) and stuff like that lol. But I didn’t really know through my childhood that I was trans, I didn’t know what being trans was, I just felt unhappy within myself, I thought it was because I was overweight but I lost like 5 stone when I was 19-20(most of which I have regained now) and it made no dent on my self image. I was like well then it must be something else. I was only just starting to get into the internet community at the age of 20, like fandoms and stuff, and through that I met several trans and NB people and like? Idk? There was something about them that drew me to them, and over about 3 months it slowly dawned on me that I was probably not cis, a lot of their stories about their self image issues resonated with me.At this point I started identifying as genderqueer/some kind of genderfluid. This was because I was lead to believe that in order to be ‘actually’ trans you had to feel dysphoria all the time, and at the time I had never experienced real dysphoria.Of course I now know this isn’t true.I do remember one instance when I was at work, I don’t remember what triggered it, but I ended up sitting on the toilets and crying because I had finally actually realised that I was 100% a trans man.I hid it for a while from everyone because I didn’t WANT to be trans. But I came to terms with it and then decided to tell my partner, I cried a lot, and he admitted he’d suspected it for a while and he was 100% supportive.I cannot tell you how fucking lucky I have been in regards to his response. He’s helped so much, he never misgenders me he does gender affirmation stuff with me and he actually helped me pick my name.

In the future, after we’ve become fathers, I plan to go full throttle on my transition and fulfill my Actual Life Dream of being a gay trans&passing dad. It’s gunna be great.

[panhasablog]

31 days of trans visibility, days 1-3!

I highkey forgot it was March so I am late to start but this post has a great list of day-by-day prompts about transness to respond to leading up to Trans Day of Visibility so! Here we go!

Day 1: Make yourself known. Tell the world your name, age, and how you identify. Post a picture of yourself.

Greetings! I am Pan! Sixteen and a junior in high school! I'm transmasculine NB and I use they/them or he/him pronouns! I took that selfie lying on the floor in a penguin onsie. Pleased to make your acquaintance!

Day 2: Talk about your process of discovery and realization. How did you come to realize you were trans?

Well I've never been gender conforming. I've always kept my hair short, I wore briefs and swim trunks long before I questioned my gender, and I knew I didn't want boobs the second they started showing up. Like I was so convinced there was something horribly, horribly wrong with me that I made my mom take me to the doctor. I was "mistaken" for a boy pretty much all the time and I didn't really mind it. I kinda liked when people were confused about my gender. (Fun fact: I met one of my best friends in first grade when she asked if I was a boy or a girl. Little did she know that ten years later that answer would change.) I started thinking about gender more when I went into high school and midway through freshman year my stance was basically "yeah I'm a girl but whatever, I'm totally cool with it if people see me as a guy. Actually being seen as a guy is kinda fun." But I still wasn't actively questioning what my gender was, more like my relationship with it. I started questioning my gender shortly after I made a tumblr, which happened to be in March right before TDoV 2015 and this one mutual reblogged lots of trans folks' selfies and I went "there's so many genders?? Wow I had no idea. Wait seriously I can be these things??" So now knowing that not being a girl didn't mean I had to be all the way a boy I started really actively questioning my gender and I started seeing a therapist to help me work things out and help me come out because wow did I have zero self-advocacy capabilities two years ago. So she helped me with all that and actually funny story I came out as a demigirl initially. Wow was I off the mark. I've had a pretty gradual self-understanding transition away from femininity and towards masculinity and it wouldn't really surprise me if in another year it turns out I'm all the way a guy but here I am now just sort of maybe a guy. I got more comfortable with my masculinity over this summer after spending two weeks in French immersion during which I used masculine language because gender-neutral French is too confusing to be worth it. And that's basically where I'm at now, and this response is getting pretty long, so I'm sure I can elaborate on more in later days!

Day 3: Talk about coming out. Are you out? Who did you come out to first? How did the people in your life react?

Like I talked about above, I started by coming out to my parents, who had a lot of questions but were understanding and accepting, then to my brother, who just said "okay" and looked around awkwardly as we waited for him to say more. He had no more to say. Next I came out to one of my friends at the end of freshman year as we were running the mile in PE, and she also pretty much just went "okay." Lots of people were very chill about it which I appreciate. Then at the start of sophomore year was when I like officially Came Out in general. I came out to the rest of my friends by forgetting I wasn't out yet and complaining about locker rooms. "Not using the locker rooms is a pain," I complained. "Why don't you use the locker rooms?" asked my friend curiously. "Because I'm trans?" I answered, bewildered that she had to ask. "You're trans?" she replied. Welp. That's one way to do it. I also came out to my teachers over e-mail at the start of the year. They all tried, but for the most part did not use the right pronouns or notice when they misgendered me. Sigh. The exception to this is my French teacher, who was (and still is) pretty much the coolest. She helped me research gender-neutral French language, let me change my French name in a heartbeat, and has just generally been very supportive and awesome which is one of the many reasons I love her. Family has all been for the most part uncomprehending but accepting, with the exception of one uncle who flat-out told my mom he refused to call me they and was going to call me she but when we actually saw each other next he did call me they and in fact misgendered me much less than the rest of the extended family. Also one of my grandpas spent like five minutes trying to understand my transness followed by like three hours trying to understand my aceness, which I'd think would be a lot easier to understand, but I guess not!

I could keep talking, but I've written up a solid wall of text already, so I will see you all tomorrow!