#I rolled two nat 20s in a row!! it was so crazy

[mageuprising]

that feeling when ur gloomstalker rogue is able to solo a vrock... chefs kiss, so proud of my lil raven girl

[transmasc-wizard]

dnd experience today

- we are fighting a wyvern, it's pretty injured atp

- druid can turn into a GIANT snake, has done so for the sake of HP, barbarian cannot do his best attacks from the ground because he's too far away

- Barbarian, laughing, to the DM: "can i. can we. can I tie the druid snake to two trees. and have him use his body to SLINGSHOT me at the wyvern. PLEASE"

- DM stares. "you know what? yeah". cheering. "both of you roll athletics"

- both roll 18s, which ends up a 22 and a 25 respectively

- cheering

- DM: "okay uh. roll to attack"

- Barbarian can make 3 attacks, all 3 are over 20 to hit, including one nat 20

- CHEERING

- Barbarian rolls three 1s in a row. the cheering is now screaming

- barbarian: "WAIT HOLD ON I HAVE A BUNCH OF BONUSES"

- damage is counted. it is 31 total damage. from. three ones. Barbarian is so overpowered

- DM: "So how do you want to do this?"

- CHEERING. CHEERING. CHEERING.

in conclusion the slingshot snake worked perfectly and our barbarian was shot directly at this wyvern, slashed/clawed through it in a craze, and just. fully killed it. because of big snake slingshot and like 6 crazy high roles.

IM NEVER GOING TO BE SAD AGAIN OH MY GOD

[19mrs-barnes17]

Redamancy

Summary: Bucky Barnes to the rescue, much to your surprise.

Part: 1/1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: stood up

Word count: 1,902

A/N: enjoy another match of dialogue prompts and character pairings given to @cantnkrusshedevil​ to match up. This is 3 of 9.

~

Dread begins to fill your gut as time slowly ticks by, tick by tick. The only thing keeping you there was denial and guilt, so desperately clinging to the benefit of the doubt. Your date was kind, intelligent, and fairly handsome. He had bumped into you at a cafe and thrown the line that he owed you a cup of coffee. It had been ages since someone had flirted with you, so you played along and let him buy you a new drink. He was funny and charming, completely sweeping you off your feet. 

Tonight was the night he had asked to see you again. This was the diner he had asked you to meet him in because it was close to his home and his favorite, a place he wanted to show to you. And the time? Well, it was 40 minutes past the time he had given to you, and 20 past the time that you had sent him a text asking if he was still going to make it. You were growing impatient.

The waitress had a sympathetic look as she placed a slice of pie in front of your coffee cup, whispering that it was on the house with a wink. Somehow the gesture made it all the worse, reminding you of the most likely truth. 

You take a bite and slide your phone from your jacket pocket.

This is bogus.

What is?

It's been 40 minutes and he’s a no show

You serious?

They gave me a free slice of pity pie

Ouch. I’ve got you, rescue is on the way.

You’re the best Nat

Duh.

Feeling a little better you slid your phone to the side and began working your way through the pie slice. Pity or not, it was delicious.

In the next ten minutes you sat scrolling through your phone and sipping coffee, doing your best to try and salvage the night. At least Nat would arrive soon and turn this into a girls night. She had done this a few times now, always able to turn the night around and make you forget. If not for her superpower you would have lost a lot of time to Netflix and your fridge. 

Your gaze snapped up when the bell chimed and the eyes you met surprised you greatly, their crystal clear color setting you at ease. He made his way to your booth with a sympathetic smile and you threw a sugar packet at his face. Perplexed, Bucky cocked his head and furrowed his brow with an incredulous smile tugging at his lips.

“If I get another sympathy smile or look of pity, I swear.” He shook his head and muttered an apology, before flagging down the waitress. “What are you doing?”

“You haven’t eaten right?” 

“Only a slice of pie, glad your date finally showed.” The waitress gave Bucky a look before turning to you for your order.

“Oh, he’s not my date.”

The waitress smiled apologetically, scribbling down the order as Bucky began to read it. 

"What are you doing here?"

"Nat sent me to be your date like she usually does." You arched a brow and shook your head. 

"We make it a girl's night, not a date you goof." He face palmed.

"She set us up." You laughed, shaking your head again. 

"Me and you? No way, if she wanted that she would have shoved us at one another a long time ago." Hell, she would have done it freshman year of college when you two met him. 

"Wait. Think about it, she was the one who introduced us. I had met her that morning." Your eyes widened as your mind began to run through all the scenarios in which the three of you always seemed to end with just you and Bucky. 

"She's the one who invited you to that camping trip, knowing full well I was the only single." 

"And whenever we drove anywhere she always had me drive-"

"And wanted me to sit up front!" Both of you looked like crazy conspiracy theorists the way you were pointing at one another bug eyed. "She must have hit her breaking point."

"What makes you say that?" You poke at at his face with a scrutinizing look on your face.

"I know there's a brain in there, it got me through Calculus." He grabs your hands as smile tugs at his lips, you feel a strange flutter from the combination.

"I mean it, what makes you think she's had one." Your hands are still in his grip and your brain is on the fritz. "Y/N?"

"I-uh, it's just a bit on the nose isn't it? She tells you it's a date and all she texts me is that my rescue is on the way?" The food arrives and it's in that moment Bucky realizes he still has your hands in his. "Its a blatant set up, she's usually more subtle."

"Well she was going out with a guy tonight, so maybe she had no choice but to go big or go home." 

"What a sneak, we'll have to retaliate." Bucky froze as he held up a fry, a mischievous smile stretching across his face. 

"Send her a text."

"Saying?"

"Here let me." Bucky maneuvers himself to your side of the booth and pulls up Nat's contact. 

Are you sure you sent the right diner?

Yes, why?

She's not here Nat

What do you mean? 

The place is empty, I asked the waitress if they saw her and they said she left not long before I got here

Don't fuck with me Barnes, is she seriously not there?

Nat the place is a ghost town

Your phone begins to ring but Bucky snags it and answers.

"Well this isn't a good sign." Bucky holds a finger over his lips, smirking at you while Nat's voice slips into a panic. "Oh there's no need to go to the police."

"What the hell do you mean? She's out there alone and without her phone!" Bucky sighs before handing the phone over to you.

"Perhaps you shouldn't have set her up right after she was stood up. " 

"Oh that's it, you're both dead when you bring her home." She hangs up and immediately the two of you are giggling like idiot's.

"Well, what should we do before death row?" Bucky wiggles his eyebrows which only prompt more laughter.

"Well if we're supposed be on a date… take me to your favorite place. This was his." You gesture to the diner vaguely before slumping back in your seat.

Wordlessly he slips some bills onto the table, taking your hand in his before leading you out the door. You silently allow him to drag you around before stopping at a pier.

"I can't take you to my favorite place because it's in Brooklyn and closed at this hour. But I can show you this place." 

He sat on the edge of the pier and you followed suit, watching as the sun finished setting. A golden light fell over the two of you, basking your skin in a glowing tone. Bucky's eyes fluttered shut as he took in the light, the curves of his jaw and the chestnut hues in his beard highlighted by the rays of sun. He looked ethereal.

He peeked out of one eye, glancing to the side where you sat watching him rather than the sunset. He smiled softly before closing his eye and tilting his head back. His hand rested atop of yours, a smile tugging at your lips as an idea popped into your head.

He was in the water so fast he had not time to react, other than a surprise grunt as he tumbled forward. You were quick to stand so he couldn't reach you to pull you in. Bucky held onto the dock with one arm, the other reaching out toward you.

"Not even gonna help me up? The water's freezing." You shake your head smiling down at him.

"Ouch doll, really hurting my feelings." He pulls himself from the water but you're already running. He's faster. 

It's seconds before he catches up, arms wrapping around your midsection and you squeal at the cold touch. Bucky picks you up bridal style and runs to the end of the pier before jumping as he tossed you.  You scream in delight before coming in contact with the icy water. 

"I guess that's what I get for having the habit of leaving phones on shore." Bucky shakes his head, his hair whipping water as it moves. You squeal as it hits you in the face, giggling as you send a wave that hits him. 

"Guess so. But you were right, this is cold as hell." Bucky pulls himself out and kneels down extending his arms to wrap around you. He yanks you from the water and falls onto his back, head smacking into the wood with a groan. 

"Are you okay?" You turn his head, parting his hair to check for injury. "Just a bump."

When he rolls his head over you notice the proximity between you, eyes stuck on his bright blue irises. Both leaning in at the same time, lips meeting halfway before moving together. Your hands cupped his cheeks while his hands held your dripping hair out of the way. 

"Guess Nat was onto something." Bucky smirks up at you.

"God she's never gonna let this go." You mumble against his lips, an excited spark igniting in your chest as you kissed him. 

It was beginning to get very dark out, Bucky growing tired of waiting to air dry and starting to walk you to the street. He pauses before glancing down at you and smiling softly.

“To make this an official date, I’ll walk you home.” You knit your brow and gave him an odd look.

“Was that not originally part of the plan? Because if so… rude.” He playfully shoved your shoulder before reaching for your hand and leading you home. “I guess I won’t be needing another rescue anytime soon.”

“I’ll try not to be offended if you do.” You smack his chest, leaning into his side while he wraps an arm around your shoulders and your head rests against him. 

“Wait a minute. Does this mean I finally get to ride on your motorcycle?” Bucky stops for a moment to look down at you with the most perplexed expression.

“You could have done that before…”

“What?!” You tilt your head back to look him in the eye. “James Buchanan Barnes, does this 

mean that I am the only one who hasn’t been on it?”

“Frankly, I’m not comfortable answering that question with us standing on a bridge. But, yes.” You gasp and detach from him, hand over your heart. “Why didn’t you just ask?”

“Nat told me you only let your girlfriends ride with you!” Bucky chuckles, leaning against the rail with his hands in his pockets. “You owe me a ride.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Something about the way he said that, his tone and demeanor, just sent a shiver down your spine. One that had your knees turn weak and your heart drumming.

Walking up to him you grabbed a hold of his jacket, pressing your body up against his with a wicked smile as your lips found his and your tongue slid inside. 

This was going to work out just fine...

~

Tags: @qtmeryr​ @broken-hearted-barnes​ @asphalt-cocktail​ @gstran18​

[jq37]

The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 8 Deep Bleu Sea

That Sinking Feeling

Welcome back to A Crown of Candy, the show where you’re forced to come to terms with a possible PC perma-death every single battle episode, no exceptions.

We left our five PCs in an extremely sticky situation last week--on a sinking ship, in open ocean, with two House Bleu ships gunning for them. The only real move here is to abandon ship and commandeer one of the enemy ships to make their escape.

This is one of those eps where a LOT happens in a very short period of time so, rather than a straight play by play, I’m going to make sure you get the mood of the fight along with all the key moments.

Amethar makes for the closest enemy ship while Ruby unhooks the grappling hooks that were going to be used to board their ship. Liam--newly christened war guy--has a HELL of a turn, fully killing one of the enemy ship captains, ignoring the difficult terrain that stymied Amethar to leap to the next boat, and not only can he see in the dark--the ship is largely in darkness--because the enemy pirates are using alchemy to get night vision, Liam is invisible to them. They hear him land on the ship but they can’t see him. Rage is apparently a good look on Liam.

Stilton, on his turn, wastes zero time. He swings over to the crow’s nest of the Colby and, on a Nat 20, runs Primsy through with his sword to the genuine horror of everyone at the table. Primsy drops to death saves instantly but he fails his rolls to strike again, failing to finish her off. Primsy has to make her first death save right away which she fails. Thanks, I hate it. The only silver lining is that Jet (owing to a Nat 20 stealth check last episode) is nearby, concealed, and ready to spring into action. 

New Kid on Deck

A rowboat comes to collect Stilton and bring him back to his ship and one of the rowers clocks Jet and yells, “Archers, archers! The princess!” Jet gets the sense that she’s about to be riddled with arrows when, all of a sudden, there’s a puff of swirling pink and red fog, out from which pops a pink and blue cotton candy monk--the same cotton candy monk from Theo’s flashback last week--Cumulus Rocks! He slams down onto the rowboat and declares “The Hungry One must feed,” doing a knockback attack that knocks all the soldiers into the yogurt (something that has already been established as pretty lethal considering the downsuction of the sinking ship and also the current). Welcome back Zac Oyama! Jet wants to know who this dude is and he says he’s a cousin to Amethar and he’s arrived to protect the magic of Candia. 

Not to be outdone, on her turn, Jet hits a Nat 20 to attack Stilton (with a soft, “For Lapin”) and not only pushes him into the ocean (already a death sentence) she also throws a dagger at him on the way down to the very bottom of the ocean. The dude is fully dead. She also tries to stabilize Primsy and fails (but does get her to do some more strong woman affirmations, which is something). She holds the rest of her action (which she intends to use to get herself and Primsy into a rowboat) until Ruby can send Yak to help her.

Theo gets a Nat 20 to throw his sword at some rope in the ship’s rigging and call it back so he can grab it and use it to get to Primsy. Brennann is gonna give him a hard time about doing it in full armor but, guess what? Bam! Another Nat 20! He makes it straight up to the crow’s nest with Primsy, no sweat. But, unfortunately, when he tries to stabilize her the classic Murph rolls come back and he gets a Nat 1.

Amethar jumps to the boat with Liam (doing 14 damage to the captain) and most of Annabelle’s sailors follow him. This is not at all relevant to the plot but I would be remiss to not mention how hyped both Amethar and Lou are about the concept of this squad of bad-ass lady sailors.  

Ruby, Mage Hand’s the rope from the enemy ship and ties it to herself like an aerialist so she can shoot from above and sends Yak to help Jet. Then she aims for the same captain that Amethar just attacked and guess what? Nat 20 Baybee! That’s 8d6 and she plugs him in the head, taking him out. 

Jet takes her held action now and brings Primsy into the rowboat with Cumulus. Liam continues to be Peppermint Batman and does a bunch of damage to help clear the ship. 

Primsy has another death save which she fails but, thankfully, not with a Nat 1 which would have been fatal. 

The marauders still on the Colby jump into their escape rowboat and square up with the other rowboat where Jet/Primsy/Cumulus are. The last Cheddar sailors make it off the boat but Theo is still on deck and Annabelle won’t leave anyone behind so she goes to help him. 

Cumulus jumps into the enemy rowboat and kicks ass. We also learn that he has the ability to, after killing someone, siphon their life energy in the form of temp HP. Theo yells and asks if someone named Lazuli made him and he says, “In a sense, yes.”

Jet uses Yak for advantage and stabilizes Primsy with a 19 medicine check. Annabelle sees her actions from her spot on the Colby and, once again, salutes Jet.

Into the Drink

Theo knocks a dude who’s been griefing him into the ocean and then jumps into the party rowboat, from there to the enemy rowboat, and then Action Surges so he can knock some heads.

Since Annabelle used her action to help Theo and not steady the ship, the ship starts sinking faster. Jet--standing in the nearby rowboat--has to make a Dex saving throw to not get jostled by the suction and she fails, falling into the ocean. Cumulus steadies the rowboat they’re in but Annabelle fails her save as well. The top part of the crow’s nest falls into the ocean, Annabelle along with it. Brennan has everyone (except Ruby) roll Strength saves to weather the storm and not only is Annabelle pushed underwater, Theo (who is wearing full plate mail armor--famously not buoyant) falls in.  

Amethar tries to maneuver the ship so it will be positioned to stop his friends from getting washed out to sea and, when it fails, runs and jumps back onto the sinking Colby. There is one last sailor on there that steadies the boat on his order and gets the broken mast of the crow’s nest near Theo.

Ruby, on a Nat 20, swings over to the enemy ship and Mage Hand’s Jet a rope. 

The big Bleu ship that they haven’t commandeered starts sailing away since the fight clearly isn’t going their way. (Sidenote, extremely wild that the big bad of this fight got unceremoniously taken out literally in round one and was really the least of everyone's’ worries.)

One of the cheese dudes tries to attack Cumulus. Murph, the genius, asks if he can use his reaction from Swirlwarden to move to take the attack--move from the ocean where he will for sure die to the safety of the rowboat. Brennan bestows upon him the title of motherfucker but lets him take a DC 20 Athletics check with disadvantage (cancelled by Sprinkle to a straight roll) to do that shenanigan. He hits it! As he’s drowning, Swirlwarden glows and Theo knows a member of House Rocks is in danger. He springs out of the ocean, and takes 13 points of damage for Cumulus, absolutely saving his life.

Annabelle nails three checks in a row so she can get her head above water and start making her way back to safety. Jet, on her turn, pulls herself back into the boat and then attacks a dude with a dagger so she can spend a superiority die to give Annabelle some extra free movement (which is a very wild thing to do--to kill someone incidentally so your friend can walk a little faster somehow--the mechanics of D&D are wild). Theo holds an oar out for Amethar to help him get off the sinking Colby.

There’s another round of saves and Ruby rolls a Nat 1 (so does Theo but he’s in a position of safety so it doesn't matter). She not only falls into the ocean, she falls off on the side of the boat where there’s no one to help her. 

Amethar needs to swim to the commandeered ship but Lou first tries to figure out if there’s anything he can do for Ruby. “I’m so far away,” Siobhan says, “There’s nothing you can do.” Lou fully disregards that and Amethar swims to the boat, rages, and starts chucking cheese dudes into the ocean, one of which he (on a Nat 20) throws into a piece of the ship which knocks down to where Ruby is so she can grab it. Ruby then throws a rope to Liam and calls Yak back to her to help. She pulls herself back onto the ship and throws the rope to Annabelle (though it goes a little wide).   

Liam continues to kick ass (fully clearing the ship) and also sails the ship closer to the sinking Colby to help the sailor still on it. Annabelle jumps onto the ship with Liam and takes the helm. Cumulus and Jet commit some quick war crimes and kill the two remaining cheese bandits from the rowboat that had already surrendered on their turn. The other big Bleu ship continues to sail away and they don’t chase it. There are some medicine checks and only one of Annabelle’s sailors ends up dead (which I’m sure is sad for her crew but, on a macro level, is frankly a miracle).

Rocks Family Reunion 

The fight over, they’re left to figure out what’s going on with this extremely clutch, Keanu Reeves-y, Cotton Candy monk who poofed in out of nowhere.  

On a Nat 20, History/Family Tree check, Ruby knows that Cumulus is a distant cousin who disappeared (not left, disappeared) 25-30 years ago, before the war. She Messages that info to Jet and Theo (interesting that Theo is in the inner circle now). Theo clocks a Lapiz Lazuli pendant around his neck and asks how he got it. Cumulus said he got it from the lady herself, that he’s an Order of the Spinning Star monk, and that he was created by her to protect the magic of Candia. 

Theo knew that Lazuli was doing a lot of cool/crazy experimental stuff but is a little taken aback by Cumulus. Lazuli never really talked about the monks and also didn’t call on them to help in the war, saying that they were doing plenty already, something that annoyed him at the time. She said that the war would preserve the kingdom but the monks would preserve Candia (which she also didn’t explain because what kind of Divination Wizard would she be if she was straightforward about things? That was meant to be rhetorical but as I type, the answer is Adaine/Ayda). 

He also knows that she had “different servants” to help her with different things. Theo’s not sure where the monks get their magic from but he knows it’s not wizard magic and he knows that Citrina got into a big fight with Lazuli once after visiting the monastery (which is a pretty big clue). Theo tells everyone all of that. Cumulus says that he was sent to help when Candia went to war and makes it seem like he was in some kind of suspended state (or maybe confined physically) until he was needed because of Candia’s war with the Concord. He doesn’t really get the specifics. He also doesn’t get why he hasn’t gotten any of the Rocks Family Christmas High Frosting’s Eve cards over the past 30 years. And, wildly, that’s where we end our episode!

Before I get to the normal post-recap segments, I have some business to take care of. There is an anon who I like to think of as my Angel of Death anon, who called Brennan’s shot on Preston before it happened and then called Primsy’s death before this episode. I said that if Primsy so much as went down and had to roll death saves, I would invent a Crown of Candy version of detention just for them and, as it turns out, she did, immediately. So, because I’m a woman of my word:

1 Million Years Dungeon!

Congrats anon! You get to be the first occupant of the dungeon and you’re not even an N/PC! Honestly, kinda impressive. 

Sunny Side Up

Not that I doubted them for a minute, but very gratified by the obligatory Gilear shout out while in the Yogurt Shoals.

“I’m trying to kill you Brennan, personally. I’m trying to make you die.”

(to Brennan who just claimed he’s being bullied on his own show) “*YOU’RE* being bullied?”

“Do I get an opportunity attack on Theo?”

“Do you think reality is being strained by the fact that a bird is helping you perform surgery right now?” (And then Siobhan’s assertion that Ruby and Yak have a telepathic connection so it’s actually Ruby--an 18 y/o bandit with no medical training--who is giving the help. So much better.)

Brennan says something like, “Kids, don’t try this at home,” about the absolute insanity happening in the battle and then Siobhan goes, “Yes, because they will definitely get the opportunity to do so.”

Whatever the hell was going on with Dome cheese.

Things I’m Concerned About

Like the whole attack at the cathedral, this is another fight that doesn’t look good on the Candians from an outside perspective. I mean, they’re already fully persona non grata but Stilton is a known man of the church. No one else really has a reason to suspect him of treason. So it just looks like they’re sniping Bulbians. Plus they left some of his men alive which means they get to tell whatever story they want when they get back. Like, maybe in their version it’s actually the evil Candians and their traitorous Dairy Island allies who ambushed the poor dearly departed Lord Bleu. They might have given the church a martyr.  

OK, so between the fight Lazuli and Citrina had about the monks and Cumulus fully declaring, “The Hungry One Must Feed!” before doing his life drain mojo, it seems pretty clear where his powers are coming from. We don’t yet know if the Hungry One is like the Bulb in being powerful but mindless or if it has motives--sinister or benign or anything in between--but, either way, fraternizing with an affiliate with the direct antithesis of the State Sponsored Deity™ (who also sometimes does war crimes) seems, como se dice, problematic.

What’s going on with the rest of the House Cheddar fleet? Were they given bad orders from Bleu that they had no reason to mistrust or were they in cahoots?

I, generally speaking, trust Lazuli but mmm, making full people (assuming that’s what Cumulus meant), dealing with entities beyond mortal comprehension, and keeping secrets from everyone aren’t things that have a history of going super smoothly. I’m getting Princess Bubblegum vibes and I always found PB so shady. Also, if you create someone in  lab, is cousin the title they get? Is that how that works?

This isn’t something I am concerned about so much as something I was concerned about but a Cotton Candy monk in an ocean fight is just a recipe for anxiety.

It seems like Caramelinda is gonna be in next episode and that just activates my fight or flight in a way I can’t fully articulate. 

Five More Things

Extremely funny that Lou, who plays a pirate’s son in Fantasy High, is truly just guessing when it comes to all ship words but Siobhan sounds like she moonlights as a boatswain.

Zac was the party healer, he died, and he decided actually? Only heals for myself from now on. And you know what? Valid. (He’s a Way of the Long Death Monk btw) Very interesting that Zac’s last character unlocked all this information about the Bulb and now it looks like he’s playing someone who could do the same for the other side of the coin. I think it was very smart for him to show up in the middle of a tense battle where the mood would be, “Is he helping? Great. Welcome aboard,” and not, “We are fugitives, we shouldn’t be trusting anyone right now.” And him apparently being a Rocks also helps. (Also, shoutout to everyone who called Cumulus as being his new character!) 

I swear, these fights keep getting more and more tense. A near insta-death mechanic like the ocean currents pulling people away really makes things crazy. At the end when it seemed like the fight was turning in the PCs direction and then people started falling into the ocean! I was already writing Ruby’s eulogy when Amethar made that amazing save. And Theo using Swirlwarden to take that damage and get out of the much deadlier ocean was Galaxy Brained. I get what the cast was saying about Nat 20s not even being exciting. They got what felt like ten Nat 20s this episode and that was the bare minimum they needed to just get everyone out alive.  

That being said, the Nat 20 to drop Primsy followed by Jet’s Nat 20 to double kill Bleu was pretty rad and cinematic. Just instant karma. 

Very curious about what the Dairy Islanders’ position on helping the Candians is now. About half of them almost died helping them survive--and this had nothing to do with them. This wasn’t trouble that followed them due to their fugitive status. This was all Cheese Drama. If the Candians hadn’t stowed away, they’d be dead. I have to imagine that makes a person more receptive to some light treason. And if they get implicated by the surviving marauders, they might not have much of a choice.  

One More Thing

On a serious note, everything is bad right now or rather, everything has been bad for a while and it’s all come bubbling to the surface. To speak for myself, I am black so these issues are pretty inescapable on the regular but they’re extra inescapable right now and it’s stressful as hell. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post about it here and cross the streams but it’s important and also this is the show that also brought us Bud Cubby and rats fully eating a crooked cop so the streams are already well crossed. 

Anyway, Black Lives Matter, stay safe if you’re out protesting, and, if you wanna donate, D20 style, twitter user @sofiabikes is doing a donation/giveaway on her twitter so hit her up (update: more info on her tumblr here). Also, dropout is donating all June merch sales to BLM and Pride orgs so if you wanted a t-shirt or whatever and you’ve been holding off, now is the time. 

Edit: No new C.O.C. this week. Instead, there’s going to be a charity livestream for protester bail funds on YT, just an FYI. 

[spartanblacksmith]

DND story time.

Me, a human Paladin. My party, an orc Barbarian and an water genasi fighter with a Rapier trying to be a swashbuckler. All level 3.

So we're on a ship 'cause we need to talk to talk to the king, as we're recruiting soldiers to fight a lich king and his army. We had snuck aboard in the lower decks due to him not liking visitors, going on a cruise for a week to celebrate his mother's birthday, and being grumpy in general.

So we decided to talk to him after the party in the afternoon. Except that when the guards are patrolling the storage rooms, the Barbarian fails his stealth check. I somehow pass mine though. The guard asks why he's here.

He could have said we're here to speak to the king. He could have said we're here as a visitor looking for a nap. Nope. He charges and pushes one of the guards into the wall.

The DM rolls damage to the wall since it's a wooden wall with 2 big guys about to ram though it. The wall breaks and the 2 men crash into something. The DM looks at the map, does the angle, looks at his notes, and laughs maniacally.

It was a throne. The one with the king's mother. Who's now crushed under them and dead.

The king is very angry with us now. He challenges us to a 3v1 duel to the death in hand to hand combat. I try to talk him down, saying it was an accident and we only meant to talk to him about the lich. He didn't care. Well, at least we outnumber him.

We go to the deck of the ship, cannons to port and starboard. 20 guards circle us and the king is shirtless. The 3 of us square up to him in full armor and prepare to punch the daylights out of him, hopefully nonlethal.

We charge and attack. Nothing. I uppercut. Nothing. Barbarian headbutts. Nothing. Genasi kicks his shins. Nothing. The Barbarian throws me for a flying haymaker. A step back, then forward. Turns out, he's a level 20 monk who killed a demon lord and became king. It looks like we're dead.

Then the kraken attacked. It grabs the king and slaps him against the deck knocking him unconscious and pulls him into the water. Our genasi hops into the water to try and save him (cause we still need his help fighting the lich army), while me and the orc keep the kraken busy. 3 guards try to help us as everyone else flees. I get a good hit in by cutting off a tentacle. It keeps dodging the orc and the kraken knocks overboard a guard. That's when the Barbarian gets an idea.

"Get his attention, I'll use the cannon."

Except the cannonballs were below deck. So he loads himself in it and has the two guards help load him.

While I take a chopped off tentacle and wave it at the kraken. "COME AT ME YA PUCKER-FACE". I got it's attention and the main body comes out to look at me and take several swipes at me. My AC saves me and it the Barbarians turn now. "FIRE".

Now, the DM told me later that was gonna inflict massive damage to him if he failed. He was the DM's friend and tended to do crazy stuff like this. So he had him roll high several times to succeed at these crazy things and have big punishments if he fails. Except the orc player was lucky.

Only a double nat 20 could save him. The Barbarian rolls a nat 20 two times in a row. The DM throws his script into the trash and says "The cannon fires. You blast out of it with tremendous force. You blast through the mouth, brains and head of the kraken and out the other side. You start flying into the distance, and land into a coastal tower, through the window into the bed of a princess."

The King later drops me and the genasi off at the nearest dock and says he'll offer a battalion off soldiers (if only to fight the lich before he reaches the king's lands).

We start heading in the direction of the orcs flight, we find the tower. It's connected to the next castle we were gonna visit for troops. We approach the doors and the orc walks out. "Hey guys. They'll offer us a platoon to fight the lich."

"How'd you convince them?"

"Their daughter convinced them after I, heh, taught her some sparring moves, if you know what I mean."

Later that session, the DM randomly had the Barbarian roll a d20. He got a 3. Nothing happens.

Few sessions later, as we stand infront of that lich army with our army. The duke from the coastal castle walks up to the Orc Barbarian and says "You better not die here, soldier. You got my half-orc grandson to raise."

P.S. sorry it's a long post. Don't know how to do those keep reading extenders.

[missmonsters2]

Leave Me Lonely

@eseqsays: Hiyo! May I request 12 and 17 with Natasha Romanoff x Reader please? I am in the mood to hurt. @marvelouschloe: Natasha x reader. 13 and 20 (angst)

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader 

Prompt Request: @yourmainlove, @eseqsays, @marvelouschloe​ 💗

- 12: I don’t even care that you’re breaking me. I am an absolute fucking moron because I’m always going to love you. - 13: We’re falling apart, and you don’t even care! - 14: I can’t keep pretending like I’m okay with being just your friend when I want you in my bed. - 17: I want you to say anything! Scream! Yell at me! Just something to show you fucking care. - 20: If you walk out that door, we’re done.

Notes: Thank you for sending these in! I hope you don’t mind that I’ve combined some of them as they’re similar and just fit perfectly in this story!

Warnings: Angsty angst sadness :(

Count: 3469

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

“If you walk out that door, we’re done.”

You stood before the door, hand on the knob, throat burning but refusing to let any more tears fall.

Because you’ve had enough.

A part of you isn’t sure exactly what caused everything to lead up to this moment because you had believed in forever beforehand. 

Because you love Natasha. 

And now, everything was gone, and you can’t tell whose fault it was. 

Maybe it was Natasha’s fault for being a coward.

Maybe it was yours for believing forever could exist between the two of you. 

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

A month earlier...

“Oh my god, shut up!” You playfully said as you slapped Natasha on the shoulder, the redhead laughing so hard you thought you could see tears in her eyes. 

“I can’t believe you jumped so hard,” Natasha said between her laughter. You rolled your eyes, shifted your legs, so it rested better against Natasha’s lap.

It was movie night, and the two of you always got together alone to watch whatever movie one of you picked.

Natasha picked a horror movie knowing full well you were terrible with them. The number of times you jumped into her arms or hid under the blanket, eyes just peeing over the edge amused her to no ends.

“It’s scary!” You defended yourself.

“We’ve fought literal aliens over the years and other freaky stuff, and you’re scared of this horror movie?” Natasha snorted.

“Yeah,” you said. “And you know what we’ve never fought? Ghosts. This shit is freaky.”

Natasha only snorted softly again but didn’t say anything as the two of you resumed watching the movie. 

It was silent, only the movie playing as you two focused on the screen. Natasha had her hands on your legs, stroking softly at your shin idly. 

It made you warm. 

Eventually, you had shifted, so the two of you were lying on the couch with Natasha on the inside. Her hand rested against your hips, drawing light circles over your exposed skin.

It was bringing goosebumps.

But it wasn’t anything new.

Even with the movie playing, your mind wandered to Natasha.

It’s been like this for two years. You were new to the team when you first came, difficult for you to adjust as you never had anybody to rely on before. 

Working in the team dynamic was new for you too. 

It took time, but Natasha was someone you trained a lot with, and she took her time, never rushing you to open up. 

The friendship was initially slow, but before the two of you knew it, it grew into something more.

But at the same time, not enough.

The two of you were friends, there was no doubt about it. You would die for her without a second thought, and you knew she would do the same for you.

But it was like there was this invisible barrier that kept the two of you from being more.

Sure, you could touch her. You could hold her hand, stroke her skin, or lean your head on her. But you couldn’t sleep with her or kiss her. 

You could tell her you love her, but never that you were in love with her.

These were boundaries that were set up by Natasha, so maybe the barrier wasn’t that invisible. 

But she never slept with anyone else, never dated anyone else.

So, this was enough for you for now. 

Forever doesn’t need to be rushed. 

Plus, you were pretty sure things would go south if you confessed or cornered Natasha anytime soon.

“That was an awful movie.”

Natasha’s voice broke you out of your thought, her breath on your exposed ear made you shiver lightly. 

You noticed the movie ended.

“You picked it,” you teased her and Natasha rolled her eyes with a smile.

She fully wrapped her arm around your waist and pulled you close. 

“Right,” she drawled. “Your turn to pick something, then, and no TV shows.”

“Why not!” You whined, earning a chuckle from the redhead.

“You pick TV shows that are entirely too interesting, and I cannot afford to binge-watch something this late, not when Steve wants us at the training room by 6AM tomorrow.”

You groaned, letting your head fall back slightly. 

“Maybe we should head to bed then,” you sullenly say, thinking about how tired you were going to be in the morning. 

Natasha sighed but nodded, but neither of you made a move to get up. 

“Are you staying the night again?” Natasha asked, tapping her finger lightly on your stomach.

“Mhm,” you hummed, eyes closed. “Unless you’re kicking me out tonight.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Natasha tells you softly, and you grin. She shifts a little, and it’s a sign for you to get up.

You stretch as you do, shirt riding up and you see from the corner of your eye that it catches Natasha’s attention.

You smirk a little before heading off to the washroom. 

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

The next week is busy as you’re busy training the new agents with Steve and Natasha was sent on a mission with Clint. 

“Alright! That’s enough for the day, go hit the showers,” Steve yells, and the agents sigh in relief before shuffling out the door one by one. 

Once everyone is gone, you chuckle a little bit as you take a chug of water.

“What?” Steve asks you with a slight quirk in his lips and raised brow.

“Nothing, just Amber giving you the bedroom eyes while training is hilarious.”

“What?” Steve exclaims while the tip of his ears flushes slightly as he drinks water himself.

“C’mon, you’re telling me you don’t notice her giving off the feral pheromones every day this week?”

Steve starts coughing, which makes you laugh even more.

“Like you’re one to talk,” he grumbles.

“What do you mean?” You ask as your laugh dies down.

Steve rolls his eyes, shifting his weight onto one leg.

“Like you’re not eyeing Natasha like she’s a drop of water and you’ve been stranded in the Sahara desert.”

You slapped Steve, who jumped out the way with a laugh.

“Oh my god, I do not!” You blushed.

Steven just laughed even more before the two of you settled down.

“But seriously, why don’t you just move your relationship with her to the next level. It’s obvious the two of you are crazy about each other. I haven’t seen Natasha like that...well, since ever.”

You merely shrug.

“I just...I don’t know. I don’t think we’re there yet.”

“But you want to be there,” Steve points out.

The conversation is almost making you uncomfortable because you’ve never gotten the chance to speak about how you felt about Natasha.

“I...I like where we are now,” you tell Steve who just gives you a crooked grin.

“Why are you holding back?”

You merely smile.

“There’s no need to rush forever.”

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

Later that day, you see Natasha talking to Clint and Bruce, and you smile as you walk up to them.

“Hey!” You greet happily. “You made it back!”

Natasha just merely smiles.

“Well,” you drag. “It’s movie night. I’ll catch you at your place later?”

“No, I’m actually busy tonight,” Natasha diverts. Before you can say anything, someone calls her name, and she turns and leaves.

You stand there staring at Clint and Bruce, confusion written all over your face.

“Okay, that was weird, right?” You say to them, and they looked confused too. 

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

Natasha is avoiding you. 

You’re not sure why.

But she is.

And everyone knows it too.

You’re wondering if you did something to make her mad, but in the past, Natasha had no problem calling you out if you did something to upset her. 

Every time you try to talk to her, she manages to escape. If she sees you down the hall, suddenly she has to go the other way. 

There were no more movie nights.

She wasn’t in her room at night.

It was frustrating the hell out of you.

And one day, you just had enough.

So, after a training session with Steve and everyone left, you cornered Natasha.

“Okay, what gives?”

Natasha seems shocked that you’ve trapped and confronted her.

“What do you mean?” She asks as if nothing is wrong.

“Why are you avoiding me?” You frown.

“I’m not avoiding you,” Natasha denies, trying to walk around you but you block her again.

“See! Like that, you’re avoiding me.”

Natasha doesn’t say anything, but you can tell she is getting frustrated herself the way her forehead crinkles. 

“Just...did I do something? Just tell me if I did something and I’ll fix it.”

“It’s nothing you did,” Natasha tries to tell you but you cut her off again.

“Well, why are you avoiding me like I have the bubonic plague? Every time I try to talk to you, you leave. When you see me coming in your direction, you turn somewhere else. You’ve canceled movie nights two nights in a row now.”

“Are you done?” Natasha asked, rather callously.

You tilt your head back in a surprised manner from her tone.

“No, I’m not done actually,” you tell her, feeling the anger rise up in you a little bit. “I don’t know what your problem is, but if you have something to say, just say it because I don’t deserve how you’re treating me.”

“I don’t have anything to say!” Natasha says, frustratedly at you. 

“Then why are you treating me like this!” 

“I’m not treating you like anything! If I don’t want to talk to you or don’t want to hang out with you all the time, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re the one who’s making a big deal out of it.”

The callous words hit you in the gut, and Natasha can tell. 

It leaves you breathless.

She starts to call your name, but you cut her off.

“You’re right,” you say, clearing your throat because it feels like it’s closing up. 

“My bad. Do whatever you want, Nat.”

You try your best to sound normal as your turn and leave. 

Natasha stands alone in the room, more frustrated than before and groans.

She was really fucking this up.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

The next week, it’s you who avoids Natasha.

Though, you’re trying to be less obvious about it. You’ll stay and chat in a big group, even if Natasha is there. You don’t run the opposite direction if you see her coming. You merely give her a tight smile and keep walking. 

The only painful thing about it is that Natasha doesn’t seem to be making an effort to corner you as you did to her. 

It sucks.

It hurts.

“You should just talk to her again,” Steve encourages you. It’s already late at night, and you look pathetic drinking at the bar alone, but you feel as sad as you look.

But you sigh and stand up because Steve is right.

“Wish me luck,” you mumble. 

You make your way to Natasha’s room, your nerves out of whack as you try to pep talk yourself that everything is fine.

You’re going to talk to Natasha, it’ll be heartfelt, and you’ll get down to the bottom of whatever it is, apologize, and makeup.

Everything will be fine is what you tell yourself as you stand in front of her door.

You take a deep breath and release heavily before knocking. 

There’s giggling on the other side of the room that makes you cock your brow. 

You knock more loudly and incessantly.

Then the door swings open and you see Natasha standing there, looking slightly disheveled and breathless. 

“What is it?” She asks you like she doesn’t have time for you.

It stings, but you need to push on.

“I just want to talk,” you try to say disarmingly as not to make her defensive.

“It’s not a good time,” Natasha tells you, the door blocking your view from anything else.

“Then make time,” you say non-negotiably.

Natasha is about to say something else, but then there’s another voice in the back.

“Natasha? Who’s there? Hurry and come back! It’s getting pretty cold without your body.”

The annoying giggle in there again.

For a moment, you’re incensed, and you push the door open anyway even though it’s clear Natasha doesn’t want you inside.

You see one of the new agents sitting there, top off but bra still on with wine and cheese on the table.

You turn back to Natasha.

“What the hell is this?” 

You may not be dating, but you both know you’re not just friends.

And this feels like a swift betrayal in your stomach. It drops when you see a dark red mark on the new agent’s neck. 

Natasha doesn’t say anything, so you turn back to the new agent.

“Leave,” you scowl. 

The new agent picks up her shirt, scurrying away while Natasha sighs.

“That was unnecessary,” she says as she straightens out her clothing.

“What you’re doing is unnecessary!” You shoot back at her. 

“I don’t understand,” you say softly. “Three weeks ago, everything was fine, and now we’re falling apart, and you don’t even care. What’s changed?”

Natasha shifts uncomfortably.

“We’re friends,” she tells you, and you look confused.

“Yes,” you agree, not sure what Natasha is leading with.

“That’s it,” she tells you, and the realization hits you like a truck.

“Oh my god,” you groan. “You heard Steve and me talking that one time, didn’t you?”

“I came back early,” she tells you, but you know she means that she was eavesdropping. 

“Well, we are friends. I told him I like what we have now.” You’re trying to peddle back because it’s obvious this has set Natasha off like you knew it would.

“For now it is,” Natasha agrees, “but you want more. I can’t give you that.”

You sigh.

“Nat, I’m not asking you to give me more. You give me plenty as it is right now.”

“No,” Natasha injects. “I can’t give you anything more. Ever.”

The words make you furrow your brows because yes, you believed that Natasha just needed more time to adjust to being more, to come to terms that she loved you.

“You can’t seriously be telling me you think we’re just friends,” you say to her. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say to that.”

“I want you to say anything! Scream! Yell at me! Just something to show you fucking care!” You tell her, putting your hand to your forehead.

“Friends don’t touch like we do, don’t stare at each other like we do, don’t get jealous the way we do.”

“I’ve never been jealous,” Natasha denies, and you scoff with a roll of your eyes.

“Right, so four weeks ago when you beat the shit out of the new agent Darren during training for flirting with me, that was just a coincidence?”

Natasha doesn’t say anything.

It’s so frustrating, her standing there like none of it matters.

Like you don’t matter.

“I’m not asking that we change anything right away, but don’t stand there and lie to yourself that you don’t have feelings for me,” you tell her softly and Natasha bristles.

“You’re being delusional if you think we’re more than friends,” Natasha stands her ground firmly.

You’re not sure why, but it pisses you off.

Because if she thinks you’re just friends, why does she treat you the way she does?

Why does she hold you during movie night, seek you out in the crowds, hold your hand softly, let you in her bed?

Why would she go and show you all the different sides of her?

“You’re delusional if you think we aren’t,” you fire back at her, taking a step towards her. 

Natasha stands in one place, but you can tell she’s nervous.

“I love you,” you confess to her. “I’m in love with you, Nat. I have been, for a while now.”

The words make Natasha shut her eyes painfully. 

“Don’t,” she warns you, but you press on.

“And I know you’re in love with me too. I’m not saying we have to date, but all I’m asking is that you acknowledge we’re different.”

“Why is this not good enough for you!” Natasha finally blows up. “What we have is so good, can’t you see that? No one has it as good as we do.”

“What we have can be better.”

“There is no better!” Natasha yells at you. “In our line of work, this is as good as it gets. Being in a relationship makes you vulnerable. Enemies knowing our vulnerabilities makes us an easy target. It’s not the same as Clint, where I can just hide you from the rest of the world. We both belong to our responsibilities.”

“Nothing hasn’t even happened yet!” 

“And nothing will, because what we have stays as it is, or we have nothing at all.”

Natasha has a finality to her tone, but you don’t accept it.

“You say that as if in this very moment, or even if we try to go back to nothing, that if I die, it won't affect you. It’s too late, Nat, you’re already in love with me! We deserve happiness too.”

“I was happy, why weren’t you?” Natasha asks, almost tiredly.

“I was,” you tell her softly, “but eventually, I can’t keep pretending like I’m okay with being just your friend when I want you in my bed.”

“And what?” Natasha asks you harshly. “Because I can’t give you what you want, you’re going to leave me?”

You shake your head. “I am fine with being just your friend if that’s what you truly felt about me. But you don’t.”

“But that’s what I’m choosing.”

Tears well up in your eyes, a gnawing in your stomach that tells you you’re being foolish.

“You’re a coward,” you tell her, voice raw as it stings in the back of your throat.

“You’re so scared of being happy for once, to get what you truly want because you think you don’t deserve it. Well, newsflash, Nat, you deserve the world and more, and I wish you’d let yourself feel that.”

“I’m not worth it, this far in and I’m already breaking you,” Natasha says with a shake of her head. 

She just wants you to concede, so everything can go back to the way it was.

She doesn’t know how to tell you, yes, she is in love with you too. But she can live with only being your friend.

Because she won’t survive if she knows what your lips feel like, how soft your body feels, the way you’d tremble underneath her as she takes you, the way you’d taste, and the way you’d look as she brings you over the edge and it all went away.

Whether you die on a mission, her enemies got to you, or somehow you’d fall out of love with her and leave her.

It was so selfish of her, but she scared of more.

You’re right, she is a coward.

You merely shake your head, tears falling from your eyes and it’s terrible for Natasha to see and be the cause of it. 

“This was incredibly stupid,” you say, voice trembling. “I don’t even care that you’re breaking me. I am an absolute fucking moron because I’m always going to love you. But that isn’t enough for you to want more, is it?”

You don’t even wait for Natasha to answer as you walk past her. 

“Wait--”

“You’re right, I’m an asshole because I’m not fine with just being your friend. I can’t stand here and pretend with you that everything is alright, that’s I’m not in love with you, and you’re not in love with me, that you’re not deliberately just choosing to ignore everything.” You tell her as you put your hand on the knob.

Natasha panics.

Sirens are going off in her head because she just knows that if you walk out that door, she’s going to lose you forever. 

That the two of you will really be nothing, and Natasha realizes that maybe she can’t live with that either. 

“If you walk out that door, we’re done.”

Those are the wrong words, and Natasha doesn’t know why it slipped out of her mouth. 

But she feels her heart breaking too, and she doesn’t know how to get you to stay.

She can only see your back, but Natasha hears a humorless chuckle as you turn the knob.

“We were already done.”

You leave the room, the door shutting with a soft click. 

Perhaps that was as good as it could get, but neither of you realized that it could get worse too. 

You pressed your lips together, walking down the empty hallway.

Forever did exist, you think, just not the way you thought it would.           

[wolfieplaysdnd]

The Critapillar

Okay so, my first time being a true DM, though not my first game.  Me & all but one of my players are noobs. The player that is not a noob had other things going on so it was only my two noobs playing tonight. It is the first session of my brand spankin’ new homebrew-ish campaign. Homebrew because i made my own world and two of my player characters are homebrew races (a zombie & a khajiit) . With all this backdrop in mind, here’s the true story:

My two players are the khajiit and a halfling and they’re currently helping a noble elf who is searching for someone who betrayed him. They have to find the three guards that were assigned to this person. They find and accidentally kill the one (my players literally can’t go a day without killing a npc) and then track down the second to a place called the WereWood. 

Yeah, I’m sure you guys are all like OMG but my players were like “lol k” and just enter the place, unsuspecting. 

Anyway, they find a crazy cult holding the dude they’re looking for hostage. This cult drinks the sap the trees in the Werewood and it turns them into beasts and monsters for a few hours. It also makes them a little crazy from extended use but, hey. Eventually my players are facing down two direwolves with the man they want behind held behind the wolves.

They’re having a bit of trouble and my halfling player is like “I STAB THE TREE AND DRINK THE SAP” 

“Ok, coolio” I told him and I roll on a chart I had made to figure out what kind of animal he was going to be. He got a caterpillar. I laugh manically and tell him, thinking this is going to ruin his ideas. Instead he...uses logic and goes into stealth and attacks the direwolves upon his next turn.

It might be a good time to tell you that I have a house rule that two nat 20s in a row is an autokill. It’s a fun rule that does let some silly things happen - I know other dms who have had the same rule. Our one friend who was the dm before me had the same rule and encouraged me to use it. 

Well wouldn’t you know it that as a caterpillar, this player rolls two nat 20s against the one direwolf. Okay, SURE. Sure, okay, he kills it. I made up that he crawled into its ear and chewed on its brain and it just died. Whatever, fine, fine.

His turn comes around again - wouldn’t you know it. Two nat 20s again. I couldn’t even, the table errupts into laughter. How do I even explain how a CATERPILLAR killed two direwolves? Not one, TWO. I didn’t and allowed the player to explain how he killed the direwolves himself. 

We began calling it the Critapillar and I have a strict ban on bug-creatures in my sessions now. Never again can I trust them not to roll four bloody 20s in a row. 

[thelovers-thedreamers-and-me]

so, fuck squad recap! i’m gonna put a quote from me at the end of the night at the beginning because yikes, shit is getting real.

“discourse and discord, that’s what i call d&d!”

Rhonia: “Fuck squid! The cake says fuck squid!” “You guys are never having a undersea adventure.”

Saida: “Creepy.” Sergei: “LISTEN HERE MS. TODD HOWARD” “Mrs. Todd Howard is the goal, I think.” Saida: “That man is the reason faces were invented.”

not to publicly kinkshame my players but hell here we are

yoni has been in the woods communing with desna and trying to start taming the shadow drake

Yoni: “This is Talon. I wanted to name him either Alfonzo or Taco but he didn’t like either.” “NO HE DIDN’T FOR SOME REASON”

Rhonia: “Fucking skeletons is illegal, owning them isn’t.” Maddela: “Is there a difference?!”

“Does anyone want to make a will save to disbelieve Zack’s pants?”

Yoni: “My channel energy means I can kill undead things so I don’t know if I like these skeletons.” “Oh, so now you care about being a cleric!”

Saida: “When they said yes were you holding their skull and making the jaw move?”

there was a whole big thing on the ethics of reanimating skeletons and using them as servants that never really got resolved

“Oh, finally, the fuck squad gets a moral compass.”

[discussing skeletons being withdrawn from human corpses] “They didn’t melt, it’s like, have you ever taken off a coat and thrown it on the floor behind you?” Sergei: “THAT’S NOT BETTER”

they temporarily stop discussing whether rhonia’s new skeleton army is moral in order to go to fantasy pawn stars to sell some stuff they stole from the haunted house

while selling the junk, both Rhonia and Saida rolled nat 20s for diplomacy checks

little did we know that unexpected natural 20s would be a theme of the night

Yoni: “Pleasure doing business with you, sir. Do I have to roll bluff?”

Sergei also got a horse figurine and Rhonia got shortswords for her skellingtons at the fantasy pawn stars- they ended up actually paying fantasy rick harrison twice for it

Yoni, on a blanket for Talon: “Can it have gold in it? It doesn’t need to have a ton. Also I’m rich.”

Rhonia: “Listen, everyone has skeletons, they’re perfectly natural!” Sergei: “Not when they’re walking around with all their skin off because they sloughed it off on the floor of the morgue!”

Rhonia: “They can’t be slaves if they never had free will.”

Sergei: “Liches cant be pets.” “Maybe certain liches are if they have very specific tastes.”

so down to the matter at hand- namely, going up north to where Scrom lives so Saida can visit! jasper finds them a travelling merchant friend of his named lachenta, and she agrees to take them up there for a small fee

Sergei: “Why are all of us going on Saida’s booty call?” Saida: “Never split the party?”

“Can we hook the skeletons up to the cart?”

Maddela: “Can we assume we’re in a world where the equator is to the south of us?” “blank stare” Saida: “Shut up, fake fantasy farmer’s almanac”

Saida: “He’s a shadow drake, he breathes shade” “Haaahhhhhhh, Saida this coat doesn’t go with those pants, you look like shit”

Yoni: “Never split the party! That’s why I’m in the air vents”

“She pulls up with two horses.” Sergei “Are they alive?”

Sergei rolls to make friends with the horses and does a phenomenal job

Saida: “Are we there yet?” “You’re not in the wagon yet.”

before he leaves, sergei gives reaper his harde and narder notebook, and takes Rhonia’s so they can stay in touch

yoni and saida, meanwhile, have been using their notebooks to just draw a bunch of dicks

Reaper uses the notebook to send Sergei a drawing of his own dick

“If you set the notebook on fire that’d be tinder”

Sergei “Is your pet super evil?” Yoni: “Uhhhhhhh, we’re working on that?”

Sergei: “Saida’s our problematic fave.” “Fave is a big word.”

“Roll animal handling to teach ethics to the drake”

on the last night of their journey, they’re sitting around a campfire with lachenta, telling stories, when a few people notice the sound of footfalls in the nearby brush, and a couple more notice a musty, almost metallic odor filling the air

sergei: WHO FARTED

they find themselves surrounded by orcs with glowing white eyes that, in the darkness, appear to have weird fleshy lumps on them. as they move into the firelight, it becomes apparent that those are mushrooms growing on them

Saida: “Rhonia, is this spread sexually?” Sergei: “How would Rhonia know?”

Saida: “Sergei started yelling about farts.” Sergei: “That was largely out of character.”

“I’m gonna say that sense motive is gonna have a heavy penalty because they’re just glowing pricks of light. Sergei: “Heh. Pricks.”

rhonia sets up a defensive line of skeletons, and they begin the battle. lachenta runs out to help, misses the orc she was fighting twice, and the orc rolls 2 goddamn natural 20s in a row and kills her. SO UH THERE GOES THAT BIT OF THE PLOT I HAD PLANNED

“Oh, I’m Rhonia, they’re half-orcs, half snack, I love that!” Sergei: “Aren’t all orcs half snack or is that just if you’re Saida?”

as they kill some of the orcs, some people have to roll fort saves.

maddela: “I.... rolled a 7.” “You feel fiiiine. No, really. Fiiiiiiine.”

speaking of saves, on one of the last orcs they have left to fight, maddela rolls a crit, which means i get to pull out something i’ve had in my pocket for a while. you see, in the haunted house, maddela got a dope new sword. and it turns out that the fuck squad is not great at perception checks that tell you that a sword is haunted, so up until maddela rolled a crit which triggered a similar effect to the song of discord spell, they had no idea

it was a pretty dope sword tho

so maddela and rhonia both attack the nearest people. rhonia goes after sergei, and maddela goes after yoni

and maddela rolls another crit, knocking yoni out and triggering another song of discord, and rhonia and sergei fail their saves

the orcs are now entirely off the table as the party attacks each other

“yelling what the fuck is a free action!”

saida rolls to non-lethal punch rhonia with the gauntlet of far-seeing since she saw rhonia attack sergei

Saida gets a crit on that, and uses the memory power to see Rhonia sitting in a large stadium tent, eating a candy apple, watching the circus, her mom lifting a ton of crazy shit, including pashmina, so that’s nice

rhonia then boneshakers saida, doing a ton of damage, and sergei kills another of rhonia’s skeletons

meanwhile, since she is no longer under the effects of the spell, Maddela heals Yoni and yoni immediately stabs her.

“I’m trying a new thing with gming where I make you face actual challenges!”

Yoni: “Maddela, I’m never gonna heal you.” “Oh, that’ll be a change.” “Hey, I almost know how it works now!”

Saida: “I don’t know about me, I got a bone to pick with Rhonia.” Sergei: Heh. Bone.”

saida: “If Scrom’s infected I swear to Christ I’m not dating any more.” Sergei: “Yeah, don’t fuck him if he’s got mushrooms on his dick.”

Sergei: “At least those horses are already my friends.”

Saida: “This is like that time we had to burn down that house with the guy in it.” “Had to is a pretty big word.” “I ROLLED REALLY BAD”

so the session ends with everyone mistrusting everyone else, the first new npc i made for this arc just completely fucking dead, and now i’ve gotta rewrite some shit because jesus christ

[fernsplaysthings]

We’ve played Curse of the Crimson Throne sessions for the past two weeks (the DM for Jade Regent has said we’re running his game next week no matter who we’re missing) and both weeks have been...long sessions.

Iliya was literally a point or two from actual death this session. She took a crapton of damage in the first encounter when she and Nafe (Red Team) decided to split off and encountered boss number one of this session.

The first Shocking Grasp hit her for 34 damage. Only 6 points from unconsciousness.

DM: You’re splitting up! I literally haven’t invented some kind of convoluted plan for this part and you’re still dividing yourselves into Red Team and Green Team.

This particular boss was a Sorceress who was apparently hopped up on drugs and a raging masochist. It was a lot and the more chaotic of us turned really dark, really quick when interrogation/torture started getting involved.

I think the Warpriest invented reverse waterboarding.

The next part in the next setting Iliya gets to go stealth around a lot with an Invisibility spell on and comes back just in time to wave the proof of the Queen’s Physicians’ creepy experiments and kidnappings under the main doctor’s nose (in front of about six of the Queen’s Elite Guard) while the Investigator is rolling about three nat 20s in a row for diplomacy...and then the other half of Red Team crits and confirms something like 58 damage with his musket one shotting the boss.

The custom boss. The custom boss that the DM had spent AGES putting together. And all of the adds too. And then rolling their initiatives. In fact we killed the boss quicker than it took us to get into initiative.

And onward some more, we eventually run into the son of Gaedran Lamm.

This is where I fuck up. I get impatient waiting at these two small choke points for mobs to come to us and barge straight in and up to him.

And then he casts Lightning Bolt and utterly eviscerates Iliya. Knocks her straight down to something crazy like negative 14 HP. She has 15 base CON.

The others murdered him and we claimed his spellbook. Which means Iliya now has all of his spells. 

I’m so ready to cause chaos.

[doomshakalaka42-blog]

Episode 3--Wherein High-level Adventurers Learn About Dry-Erase Boards, Math Teachers, and Nerds

Grandar: Our scene opens in a sparsely furnished, but brightly lit room. Only rows of small desks fill the otherwise unremarkable space. You five are the only students present. A middle-aged teacher of mathematic courses sits at the front of the room, looking unimaginably bored.

Elithier: Okay. I examine our surroundings for any clues to where we are.

Fredge rolls her eyes.

Fredge: Probably in a mathematics course.

Elithier: Well she’s not teaching, so I looks for clues anyway.

Grandar: The door has a window in it, made of glass.

Fredge: Ooh. Fancy.

Grandar: There is a word painted on the glass, but it faces the outside, and looks backwards to you. Roll intelligence to decipher it.

Elithier: Oh, yeah. I’m the brains, here. I got this.*rolls* Ha! Net 16.

Grandar: You can easily read backwards. The sign on the door says “Detention”.

Elithier: We start the campaign trapped in a prison. That is so classic. I love it.

Anoch: Well, my character doesn’t. I’m out of here.

Grandar: You get up, and start to walk toward the door, when the professor says, “Where do you think you’re going, son?”

Anoch: Well, there’s only one door, so… and I point at toward the door.

Grandar: The professor leans back in her chair, and turns a page in her book. “Do what you want. But it’s no skin off my nose when you get expelled. Your choice.”

Anoch: Expelled?

Grandar: “Don’t pretend that this isn’t the fifth time you’ve been sent to detention this term. You know the consequences.”

Anoch: I guess I probably do know the consequences. I just have to decide whether I would care.

Elithier: I’m the brainy character. And as the brainy one, I tell… what’s your character’s name?

Anoch: Nick.

Elithier: Nick? Like, “I nicked my sword on that guy’s spine?”

Anoch looks at her with a complete deadpan expression.  

Anoch: It’s short for Nicolas, but I figured my guy would hate that, and want to shorten it.

Elithier: Anyway, I tell Nick, “Hey, don’t do anything dumb, okay? Getting kicked out is a big deal.”

Anoch: I look at her character, and roll my eyes. No one asked you, nerd! But I sit back down, anyway.

Grandar: “You should listen to…” she consults a list to find your name, Elithier, since your character has never been in detention before.

Elithier: N’thaniel.

Fredge rolls her eyes again.

Fredge: We are humans, you “nerd”. You should have a name that doesn’t sound elvish.

Elithier: Why?

Fredge: For me? Do it for me. I mean, look at this face? How could you not?

Elithier smirks and sticks out her tongue.

Elithier: Fine. For you. How about Nathan?

Fredge: Hmm. Yes. Yes, I like it.

Grandar: Alright. “Yes, you should listen to Nathan. He manages to stay out of detention. Most of the time.” She looks at you right in the eyes, because she knows the reason you did end up here in detention, and it’s not pretty.

Elithier: Ooh, what did I do?

Grandar slides a piece of parchment over to Elithier. Elithier reads it and grins.

Elithier: I like it. And no, Fredge, I’m not telling you. Yet.

Jeffron: What did I do to get here?

Grandar: The entire school knows what you did. It’s not a secret that you took another nerd into the privy, dunked his head into it, and then used a heavy-duty adhesive to tie him up and bind him to the seat of the privy, with his face only inches above the water.

Everyone: Ahh! Gross!

Grandar: It’s not sewage. This high technology school has water that rushes through tubes, to carry the waste away. It’s very fancy. Honestly, the worst part is tying him up so that his face is on the seat.

Elithier: By all the gods, that’s almost as bad as mine. No, Fredge, I’m still not telling you. Yet.

Grandar passes papers to the rest of the players.

Grandar: Here is what the rest of you did to get into detention. You can share, or keep it to yourself, as you like.

Fredge: I just sassed a professor. Yeah, sounds like me. Oh, and I’m whispering this, so the teacher doesn’t take an interest in our conversation.

Anoch: I started a fire in the kitchen during meal time, while a lot of students were nearby. This time, anyway. Apparently my record is long and colorful. What about you? How’d you get detention, quiet girl in the corner?

Lutego: I’m Amy, and I think I’ll keep mine to myself, for now. It’s not as crazy as the others, but my character is quiet. She doesn’t talk to people easily.

Jeffron: I lean over to Nick and say, “My name is Jake. I don’t want to stay here either. Got any good plans?”

Anoch: I shrug. My intelligence is middling, at best. I guess that’s why I keep getting caught.

Elithier: I’m the one you should be talking to. I’ve got brains.

Jeffron: Okay, so what’s your plan?

Elithier: I look around the room again. Can I figure out how the teacher will know when we’re supposed to be let out?

Grandar: You see a bell, high up on the wall. You also see a timekeeping device next to the bell.

Elithier smirks

Elithier: I’ve got something. I think I can get us out of here, if someone distracts the professor for a few minutes. Get her to turn away from us.

Fredge waves her hand in the air.

Fredge: Oh, that’s me. I have charisma through the roof. *rolls* Yes! I got 13. With my charisma bonus and fast talk skills that comes to a net 21. Okay, um. “Hey, professor! My name is Gabriela, and I’m having trouble with this mathematics question on my schoolwork.” I get up and go to the teacher. Is there a slate board or something here?

Grandar: Yes. Behind the teacher, on the wall, is a large board. It isn’t slate, though. It’s white, made out of a shiny, smooth material. The teacher picks up a colored pen, and writes on the wall board. “Alright, then. Go ahead and give me the problem. I’ll work it out for you up here.” She looks a little less bored than before. She obviously enjoys her subject matter.

Fredge: Excellent. Okay. I’m going to keep chatting with her and asking questions about the schoolwork while Nathan does his thing. What’s the plan?

Elithier: I want to use my knowledge: gadgets to change the time in the time-keeping device. Then I want to rig the bell to ring right after I sit back down.

Grandar: Okay. They’re high up on the wall. Go ahead and roll knowledge: gadgets twice. First for the time. Second for the bell. Then make a dex roll to see if you can get down and sit back in your seat without drawing attention to yourself or your gadgets.

Elithier: *rolls* 7. With my intelligence plus my gadgets, that’s an 11.

Grandar: The time keeping device is relatively simple. An 11 will be just enough to make it say the correct time.

Elithier: Whew. Okay. *rolls* HA! Nat 20! Critical success! That brings it to net 24, in case that makes any difference.

Grandar: You easily find the mechanisms inside the bell. They make perfect sense to you, and you have it do exactly what you want. Now roll Dex.

Elithier: Eesh. Dex is not my highest trait. I’m rolling at a -1. *rolls* Ahhh! 3!

Grandar: You tumble off of the small desk you used to reach the devices, and land with a loud crash on top of Jake’s desk. Take one falling damage.

Elithier: Ow.

Grandar: The teacher spins around to see you there, having landed hard atop the desk. She eyes you with suspicion.

Jeffron: Right as the professor turns, I want to stand up and raise my fist high, like I’m about to punch Nathan in the face.

Grandar: Roll deception.

Jeffron: *rolls*. Okay, I got a 10. Is that good?

Elithier leans over to look at his parchment. She points at several numbers.

Elithier: Alright, so you add intelligence, for a deception roll. Yours isn’t great, so you get plus zero. But you also have a +3 for deception, and nerds are your natural enemies for another +1, so it’s a 14 all together.

Grandar: Okay. That’s enough. She looks at you suspiciously for a second, but doesn’t question the fact that you’d beat up another nerd. “Boys! What did I say earlier? Do you want to get expelled? Let him up this instant.”

Jeffron: I keep my fist raised just long enough to make it convincing, then I lower it and sit down.

Elithier: I whisper to him “nice” even though I am still a nerd, and not sure that he won’t punch me for real. I’m hoping that me getting him out of here will help my case.

Jeffron: Jake reserves judgment on the nerd until we see if the plan works.

Elithier: Fair enough. I got a crit, so I’m confident in my plan. I sit down in my seat also. It should only be a few minutes before the bell rings.

Grandar: You all wait, as the seconds tick by. The teacher suspects nothing. She doesn’t even look at the time device until the bell goes off. Because of your critical success, though, it’s not just your bell that rings. All of the bells in the entire school go off at the same time. Everywhere you hear classroom doors flying open, and students flooding into the hallways. The school day still has two hours left, but that knowledge doesn’t seem to be enough to deter the students from rushing outside. In your small classroom, the teacher looks up at the time dial, seeming very confused. But it says the correct time for when the bell should ring.

Anoch: I’m getting out. There’s nothing stopping me.

Jeffron: Same. Let’s go.

Grandar: You all head into the hallway, where hundreds of other students are talking and laughing and unlocking tall, metal chests in which they keep their school things. You know that the deception will get found out sooner rather than later, and that the many professors will attempt to corral the students back into the rooms.

Jeffron: I look at the others and say, “Let’s make like a tree and get out of here.”

Elithier: “It’s leave,” I tell him.

Jeffron cracks a small smile.

Jeffron: In real life I know that. But Jake is a little dumb. He kinda just looks at you and sticks with his flawed pun.

Fredge: Sounds good to me. Let’s make like trees and get out of here.