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asexual-means-no-attraction · 3 years ago

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Do you know how to explain trans to older people / parents? I've gotten the same question over and over from both my parents and grandparents and that's "But why do you want to be a boy if you don't like cars or don't want to play sports?" Upon clarification, I essentially found out that they seem to believe NOT that all men like cars and trans men do too, but that people transition specifically because they want to do the hobbies "of the opposite sex." Like to them it isn't even "I'm becoming a boy, so I like cars and sports", but "I like cars and sports so I'll become a boy." Like to them, my cis guy pal who likes ballet and dolls has enough reasons to become a girl.

My sexologist (we don't have GIPs here, a sexologist works with trans people) tried to explain it to my mother repeatedly but failed every time (my mom kept going in circles no matter how many times the sexologist explained everything).

I also tried to explain it by saying that it's a neurological condition that causes my brain to be of a different gender than the body and that my sexual characteristics and things like voice or the lack of facial hair cause me distress. I was met with "But you liked both dolls and cars when you were little! And you didn't tell us that you were a boy when you were a toddler!" and tried to explain "Well, I didn't even know trans people existed, how could I have known that I was when I was a kid? Do you know that your leg is broken if you don't know what a broken leg is? Plus you always told me that I could play with anything and never bothered to gender toys nor clothes, probably because I was a girl so you didn't think I'd need that knowledge, so I played with anything." but they never listen to that, they say "No! All trans people know they're trans since they're born! They demand to be called a different name (a fun fact is that I did actually express absolute hatred of my name since an early age) and refuse to even socialise with people of their agab!"

I have no idea how I'm supposed to explain myself to them. I ran out of ideas tbh.

I can't promise these ideas will help but I got a few ideas. Note that a lot of these over simplify things and aren't going to be perfect analogies. But they can help to at least get someone in the right direction. And yes I am aware of how vaguely these relate-- but from what it sounds being specific isn't helping. Warning too: these ideas can apply to a lot more than being trans just an fyi.

When I first started realizing I was trans I explained it to myself using two things:

1. Imagine you're on a tran and you're going through a tunnel. It's dark but it's not bad. You're comfortable. Can't see anything out the window but you don't mind. You're ok where you are. You're content. Suddenly, the tunnel ends! And you can see out the window. There is an amazing view!! The most amazing view you've ever seen. And even tho you were just content and satisfied in the tunnel, you don't want to go back now. You were content in the tunnel until you saw the view outside. Of course you don't want to be in the tunnel when you can see this amazing view! Similarly, you were content as a girl until you really started thinking about yourself as a boy-- and now you can't imagine going back. Because you like being a boy so much more.

2. I personally really don't like vanilla cake. Like... I really don't. But I can still eat it. I like the frosting that comes with it. If someone hands me vanilla cake I won't complain, I won't be upset. I'll eat it and be fine. But if someone offered me vanilla or chocolate cake-- I'd pick the chocolate cake hands down every time. I love chocolate cake. I'd eat it all day if I could. If chocolate is ever an option, then vanilla will never make me happy. If being a boy is an option, then being a girl will never make me happy.

A few other ideas I got:

3. Ever had a family member knits you an itchy and ugly sweater that you hate? (I never have personally, but still). Do you remember having to wear it to family gatherings all the time to make that person happy? Your parents made you and you hated every second of it? But you still did it. And seeing that smile on that family members face... Well, it made it feel a little more ok. You're happy that they are happy. You're glad you could show them you care even if you don't actually like the sweater. We all do things we don't like in order to show we love those around us. It's just part of showing you care.

Often when you're trans, you'll look, wear, play with, etc certain things because they are there and they make you happy. You're mom gave you a doll, of course you're gonna play with it. It was a gift from mom and you love your mom. Your grandma buys you a dress, of course you're gonna wear it. She wanted to make you happy and it's not a terrible dress. Because you were raised as a girl, of course there will be girly things you've liked in the past. Because you were a girl, you were given girl clothes and girl toys-- naturally you wore and played with those. Because you want to show you care about the gifts given to you.

Now that you're older, you have more of a choice in what you say, wear, and do. And part of growing was realizing you were trans. And just because you were given girl clothes and toys as a kid, doesn't change anything about who you are.

4. Let's say you are 8 and have a potato allergy. Everytime you eat potatoes you get what you call "potato sweats." Everything gets hot and a sweaty and you wanna pass out. But as time goes on you're fine. You think everyone deals with this because no one has told you that it's not normal. No one else complains about potatoes. You figure everyone just deals with the potato sweats and it's fine.

Once you're in high school you complain about the potato sweats while eating fries. And your friend looks at you like you're insane. You explain what you're talking about and everyone at your table tells you it's not normal. You talk to a doctor and they tell you that you're allergic. How were you supposed to know? You thought it was normal to feel that way!! It wasn't until you learned about how others feel when eating potatoes and you knew something was wrong.

Being trans is very similar. Sometimes you're so used to feeling outta place with your own body that it feels normal to you. It's not till later that you may realize what you're feeling isn't actually normal.

That's all I can think of right now. If anyone else has ideas feel free to share. I tried to keep my ideas broad because I feel like that easier to understand.

#answered #ask #not discourse #trans #trans advice #lgbt advice #number 2 the cake idea actually got a super funny reaction from my gf #i wasnt out to anyone yet but was venting feelings on a side blog #she happened to find it and came to me crying about how she was sorry for making me eat vanilla cake #😂😂😂#it was a good time

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physicalturian · 4 years ago

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[18+] Words of pleasure - Law x F!Reader - Part 5

[No spoilers] [Modern AU - College AU] [She/her pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] Words : 6269 Archive of our own

Warning : Power play / Dom/sub Dynamics / Control / Stranger / Flirting / Aftercare / Awkwardness … If you feel like I should add more warnings, send me a dm or and ask

– Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

You: Sup doc, got home safely?

[You sent an attachment]

I chuckled for a second, making myself laugh at the picture of the crazy scientist from Back to the Future I had sent. Then when I looked at it more than five seconds, I just regretted it. “I should have flirted. I should have asked him if he was free soon. But I did that. Wow.” Gathering my stuff, I was expecting him to be asleep but received an answer in no time.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I’ll admit it’s creative real first text. But don’t send me that shit again, I’m not an old man.

You: Hey, it’s hilarious. You mad because you asked me to call you doc and now you regret it.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I just hope you won’t see that in your head when you’ll think of me, it can easily become a turn off, I think.

You: Damn, what if I’m into older men?

Trafalgar Law 😷: Lucky for you I’m older, then. Why are you still awake?

Trafalgar Law 😷: You should sleep, it’s late and you seemed tensed the entire evening.

You: You’re worried about me? How cute, I thought you were just looking to dick me down.

You: But I’m going to sleep soon, don’t worry hot stuff, I was just showering before bed.

You: Who knows, maybe I’ll dream of you 😉

I read my message over, and over and as I saw him type and stop a few times I was quick to send another one.

You: Yeah, ignore that. I’m tired, I’m not pushy promised. But you should sleep too, beauty sleep and all.

Trafalgar Law 😷: Depending on the kind of dreams you’re having, I’ll gladly join you.

Trafalgar Law 😷: You’re cute. I’ll sleep in a few. I still have some things to do, I’ll be sure to send you a text in the morning to ask you what you dreamed of.

You: Right, bold of you to assume I remember my dream. And that I’d share them with you.

You: But please go to bed, it’s getting super late.

[Trafalgar Law 😷sent an attachment]

Trafalgar Law 😷: I’m in bed, don’t worry.

It was stupid, but I did laugh. He was sitting against his pillows, the simple black bed panel behind him. His hair was a lot messier than usual, but he did not look sleepy one bit. And he was still wearing his dress shirt, which clearly was in no way a pajama.

You: Funny. You’re a funny guy Trafalgar Law, wow. You’re lucky you’re hot

You: You’re still fully dressed, that’s not going to sleep to me.

Trafalgar Law 😷: If you want to see me naked so bad, you have to work for it.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I did say I’d enjoy you on your knees, it seems like a good place to start. But, all in due time, right?

Chuckling at his text, I bid him a good night without replying to his innuendo which was more than an innuendo, really. Hopefully, an unspoken promise of a goodtime. I left the bathroom feeling a bit funny inside and put the toy away before sitting back on the bed. I was wearing a large shirt so that I could show my legs if the HandSurgeon asked and sat with my legs crossed on the bed before typing.

Edelweiss: Back!

HandSurgeon: Your lap is pretty red; how does it feel?

Edelweiss: it’s alright, a bit sore but I like it, it reminds me of yeah… the discipline so yeah, it’s ok

HandSurgeon: Cute, you enjoyed it quite a lot. Maybe you could take more next time if you feel like it.

HandSurgeon: But it’d mean you’d have disobeyed, which you won’t do. Correct?

Edelweiss: yes, I won’t. Sorry…

HandSurgeon: It’s alright, doll.

HandSurgeon: Is there something you enjoyed more this session? Or did not at all?

Trying to remember the things he had said during the session, I was going to tell him that everything was good until I remembered that small thing he said, that I did not particularly enjoy. I didn’t know if he was going to tell me to just get on with it and try to enjoy it or anything but trusting he wouldn’t get mad I wrote down.

Edelweiss: I really enjoyed your voice… that’s for sure but I didn’t enjoy being called a bitch in heat?

Edelweiss: it was alright right now though, but I don’t know, I didn’t vibe.

Edelweiss: sorry if you’re more of a degrader than praiser

HandSurgeon: I am sorry, I am indeed more used to be a bit rougher with my partner. I’ll be more careful next time, don’t hesitate to tell me if you don’t like something I do.

HandSurgeon: This is an exchange, we’re both in to enjoy it and have fun. And while I usually degrade, I am very much enjoying telling you how good you are. Even more so seeing how well you react.

HandSurgeon: You did good telling me your color, very good.

HandSurgeon: I believe edging was not in your list, but how did you enjoy it?

Edelweiss: soooo frustrating! And embarrassing to beg alright? But in a good way I guess… a very good way

Pondering a bit more, I was curious. If we were giving feedbacks and asking questions, I could give it a go.

Edelweiss: were you annoyed? That I touched myself.

HandSurgeon: Yes. I was. If I had you next to me, I would have brought you to my bed. I would have had you kneeling in the center, with that egg still inside you. The had you stripped down naked and would have looked at you. If you had moved, I’d strike you down. Simple.

HandSurgeon: You’d be begging in no time, really.

Edelweiss: it does sound kinda interesting though

Edelweiss: I’d definitely be up to it if you’d enjoy it

HandSurgeon: I’m sure you’d take it like very well, adding a blindfold to the mix would be even better.

HandSurgeon: You wouldn’t know when I’d strike. Jumping on the bed at the littlest touch. Goosebumps all over that pretty body of yours.

HandSurgeon: Running the tip of my whip over your skin. Barely grazing it. Then gripping the back of your neck and sliding my fingers through your hair. Pulling your head back to see that needy face of yours.

I wanted to read more of him, see what else he’d do to me. I wanted to do something again. While my sex was sore, I could also feel the throbbing coming back and fuck was I ready to ask him if he had time to do it again. My body must have been moving on the screen, since I saw the new message from the dom.

HandSurgeon: Stop fidgeting. There won’t be another session tonight, doll. I have to finish working, and you…

HandSurgeon: Well, you need to eat something and drink some water. Go get some food. We can hang up if you want, or you can leave the camera on. I would not mind the little motivation of seeing my girl on the screen.

Edelweiss: I won’t stay long, I have classes tomorrow. Lemme grab some food, I’ll be right there!

Edelweiss: but admit it, you just want to make sure I eat and drink 👀

HandSurgeon: I do indeed. Now, go.

We then spent around 20 minutes on the call. I stayed with my camera on, still making sure he could not see my face, and ate up. He would reply a bit more slowly than during our session, since he was working, but when he did it was a lot lighter than usual. We talked of our lives, previous partners, preferences but it quickly turned to other topics. TV shows we enjoyed or had in common, hobbies, pets.

I learnt he liked to sketch, mostly people, he never did art school and never wanted to but loved the human anatomy. He said he found it fascinating. I felt flattered when he suggested we find some free time so that he could draw me. I told him I’d think about it, then we changed topics but kept off the more personal ones, such as family, school and city. The less we knew, the better. It was weird, getting to know him after I had let him do as he pleased with me. But doing so made it more interesting for some reason.

I did not feel anything much for the man, but I enjoyed his company a lot. I had no plan of meeting him at all, and if I ever found someone, I’d probably stop talking to him, which is something we both agreed on. This was just to get off, this was simply to both find that pleasure of having the power dynamic in play. It was interesting, and I never thought I’d be doing this but here I was, having hung up on a stranger I should call my dom. Here I was, exhausted after masturbating for him. Following each of his instruction.

Having had a taste of that side I had never ventured on, I realized I liked it a lot and I could see myself doing it more from time to time. Maybe not all the time, but in bed it was so intriguing.

I surprised myself as I laid under my covers, slowly drifting to sleep, when a thought crossed my mind, I wonder if Law would do that… I shook the thought away, but it came back just as strong, I was curious. He would look at me with the same look he gave me all night, intrigued and yet clearly expecting all those reactions of me. Knowing what he was doing, knowing the effect he had on me. Whatever I’d say, he wouldn’t be surprised, as if he could read me. He’d ask me those same questions he did that night, trying to get me riled up and I would let him. Would I imagine him as that man from online?

Would I secretly be hoping he would be that good? Would I let him do as he pleased with me? Was I even going to go on a date with him? This last question had an answer already, we both hardly had any free time. I don’t believe we had the same schedule either, it’d be too hard. But I’d entertain the idea, it was fun. I was slightly excited if it did happen, after all he was attractive. And I could use the kind of fun he was suggesting, considering all the stress we must both be under.

Turning in bed, I pulled my phone from under my pillow and texted Law.

You: You better be asleep old doc, because I am hitting the sac. And ignoring your last text at the same time.

Trafalgar Law 😷: Shall I take that as a “no”?

You: Definitely not, but I want to know if your personality is as hot as your face, first.

You: For scientific purposes

Trafalgar Law 😷: Luckily, I did pretty well in sciences. I’ll help with your research then.

You: That means I can call you partner? Pardner 🤠 in research of a fun time

Trafalgar Law 😷: Partner of fun, if you want. Pardner, no.

You: Dagnabbit, sad cowboy noise.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I think you need sleep, partner.

You: I definitely do, good night pardner. You should sleep too, you looked fucking tired tonight.

[Trafalgar Law 😷 sent an attachment]

You: it’s pitch black?

Trafalgar Law 😷: Because I’m trying to sleep, and you keep messaging me.

You: no one’s forcing you to answer 😏 but good night pardner

Trafalgar Law 😷: Good night

I did fall asleep soon after. It was a miracle I managed to keep the conversation that long considering how tired I was and yet I was able to exchange, albeit embarrassingly, with the hot guy. I did not know why I had sent him a message- who am I kidding I know why I did that. Not only was I in that post-orgasm daze but also, this little voice in my head kept considering him as a potential something.

That something was yet to be determined, booty call? Romantic partner? Sex friend? I did not know yet, the only way to find out was that date. And perhaps, if it went well enough, the after-date part. Which I was excited about, maybe more than the date part.

This time I did not dream of the HandSurgeon, I did however have a dream about Trafalgar Law. It was not as hot as the one I had the night before… But it was something…

In that dream, I had called him out of boredom while working on some stuff, and he had picked up mildly annoyed. But even though he was annoyed, he kept me on the line while making his way to his office and closed the door behind him.

Then the mood changed, the ambiance too, the lights got slightly darker and suddenly I found myself in his office. He was leaning on his desk, arms crossed across his chest and seemingly expectant. I saw myself approach him with determination, I was but a spectator to that whole scene. I stopped right in front of him and let him grab my hands before he pulled them behind his back and turned me around so that I was now the one against the desk.

The view changed and I could see him from up close now, he was looking down at me with a smug smile. I saw his lips moving but could not comprehend what he was saying. His tattooed hand travelled to my neck, gently brushing his thumb over it before grabbing my jaw gently. He spoke again and while I did not know what he said, I felt nervous, and slightly afraid.

I tried to ask him to repeat, and maybe I did but I could not hear myself. He leaned forward and let his other hand graze the skin under my shirt before whispering. “Edelweiss… my sweet and pretty toy. So good for me.” I let my head fall back in pleasure from his touches but the constant feeling of confusion and fear only grew. I tried to understand why I was feeling like that, among the joy I felt upon hearing his word. Then it clicked.

He doesn’t know about Edelweiss- he’s not that man, he shouldn’t know.

Now I’m in my bed. Looking at a screen, I can see someone on that screen, but I can’t see it really. Then I understand who it is, HandSurgeon, but this time it’s Trafalgar Law. “You want us to be the same.”

“You wish I was real, you’re so desperate for this to happen with me, with him, we’re the same to you, Edelweiss. You should think, wake up, realize that you’re making a mistake, wake up, we can’t be the same, wake up, you just want it so bad-“

“Wake up!” I was startled awake by Nami, who was looking at me angrily, already fully dressed. “Jesus, did last night tire you that bad?” How could she know what I had done last night? She wasn’t even home- Trying to come up with anything, I was too sleepy to be embarrassed, then she spoke and cleared my mind. “You know, if I had known socializing with Traffy would tired you that much, I would have brought him over a lot sooner. Maybe you’d finally catch some real sleep.” She explained as she kept her gaze on my, probably, sleep-marks adorned face.

Sighing, she pulled the covers off my form without a second thoughts when I was unresponsive to her words. “This time you have more than 5 minutes to get ready but move your ass or I’ll leave you there. Come on, hurry.” She stopped by the door and made a compassionate face, “By the way, don’t worry, he exhausts me too. It’s the smug face and the condescending attitude that just-“ she made a sounds with her tongue against her teeth, “it ticks me off, you know?” She was gone right after.

Looking at the doorway longer than I wanted to, I started drifting off to sleep when I was startled awake once more. My phone was ringing, and I was very much aware it was not my alarm. Stretching my arm to the bed table, I grabbed my phone and was surprised when I read the screen and saw it was Trafalgar Law. I picked up in confusion, “What do you want?” With the sleepiness and the confusion, my tone ended up being a bit more aggressive than I expected.

“How about you start with good morning?” I heard him chuckle, he was probably proud of that too. Rolling my eyes, I let my head fall back on the pillow and spoke again, “Good morning, do you need something?” I sighed and pulled my covers back on my form, hearing the blinker of his car in the background I guessed he was driving and was paying more attention to the road.

“Good morning, did I perhaps wake you up?” He asked rhetorically but I could hear the smile on his lips. All I did was hum in return, still waiting for the reason he called me. “I’m free this Thursday, how does it sound for those… research?” He seemed reticent saying it, probably rolling his eyes at how stupid it sounded. Laughing in my throat in return, it was not charming but the way he said it made it too funny for my dazed state. “Too shy to call it a date? I need to check my schedule; I don’t know if I’m free.” Thinking he’d hang up, I instead heard him talk to someone before talking to me again.

“Then go ahead and check, I’ll wait.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and rummaged through something while I checked on my phone, mumbling. “Can’t you let a girl sleep? Don’t you have a work to get to?” I opened the calendar but kept grumbling while doing so, “You’re lucky I’m not hanging up to go back to sleep.” While checking my schedule, I double checked if there was a time I could be free on Thursday and heard Law scoff.

He huffed a laugh, “I think you’d have hung up by now if you did not want to talk to me, I don’t think it’s luck, but interest.” Then a sigh as he got a bit more serious, “Just answer the question, I have to get going.”

Scoffing, I brought the phone back to my ear, “You’re just a pretty face for now, Doc. Don’t bet on interest just yet. Now, I’m free around 2 pm that day, if that’s cool with you. But add like half an hour or so, it gives me time to get back home.”

“Give me the address of your campus, I’ll come and get you there.” I heard the sound of the car door being slammed closed in the background, and the rustle of a bag. “I’m not about to refuse a car ride, it’s a bit odd but thank you!” I quickly sat up, suddenly feeling excited for my plans on Thursday. “Don’t expect me to be dressed all chic though, if I have classes in the morning, it’ll be comfortable and only slightly fashion.” I said lightly as I made my way to my wardrobe to start getting dressed for the day.

“Give me a moment.” I heard the phone being moved a bit, a few muffled voices greeting the man, footsteps echoing on the ground accompanied by the hubbub of phones ringing, beeping sounds and people talking. While waiting, I was able to get dressed and go back to my desk to prepare my stuff. After a few minutes, I finally heard him. “You were talking about your clothes, to be honest as long as it’s easy to remove, we’re good.” He said smoothly, I could hear the smirk, the smugness in his voice.

I simply looked at the phone with surprise and pleasantness. That was interesting to say the least, and I was enjoying it. “You’re not saying anything, I’m assuming you agree. Good, then I’ll see you on Thursday? Don’t be afraid to send me pictures if you’re curious about what clothes to wear, I’d gladly help you pick.” I had to stand my ground, he was too smooth. Too much, too flirty, too… familiar…?

“Just for that, I’ll wear the most intricate clothes I have. Make it worth your while, you know?” While his laugh was beautiful, it was also condescending. I kept having mixt feelings about the man. “Well, if I am in a hurry, know that I am very skilled with sharp tools, and I’d have no shame in tearing your pretty clothes apart.” The sound of the creaking chair in the background made me think he was probably leaning back on his chair. A quick thought crossed my mind, of going up to him and sitting on his lap and seeing what he’d do, but I shoved that thought away.

Instead, I huffed in response and threw my bag over my shoulder. I tried to come up with a witty reply, making lame sounds with my mouth, but I had no matching energy. Even less this early in the morning. “Alright, sure, you win. I was not going to wear anything intricate anyway, even I’m too lazy for that. Casual it is, so don’t go looking all professional on me, please. I’ll feel off.”

“Put it on my desk, I’ll be there in a few- it’s an important call, I’m sure he can wait five more minutes… He doesn’t have a choice, tell him to wait… Intern or not you can tell him to wait, how else do you expect to be taken seriously? … Well, tell him I am the one who said that, then, Tony... Right, now go- And close the door behind.” I felt bad eavesdropping like that, it wasn’t a conversation I was meant to hear but it did not seem like any important information had been shared either. Except the fact that he said this was an important call when it clearly was not. It sent pride to my chest.

Walking to the kitchen, I made a motion with my index to my lips to Robin and Nami when they started talking a bit too loud. I pointed at the phone, then wiggled my fingers before drawing an invisible circle on the back of my hand. I tried very hard to make them understand it was Law, but they seemed confused. Instead, I held my phone between my shoulder and my ear and spelled Law with both of my hands. This time they understood, I knew it from the huge grin on their face.

“We got interrupted, sorry about that. If you feel intimated by a professional look, I guess we’ll have to drop by my place before going on that date. Do tell me if you’d rather I keep the medical coat-“ Cutting him off, I needed to set things straight. “Hey, I never said that was my cup of tea, okay? And I’m not intimidated, I’m sure you’re rocking the look- “ I never sighed more loudly than at this very moment when Nami snatched the phone from my hand, and said, “Alright asshole, time’s up, you’ve had time to work your charm… no I’m not doing that”

Robin butted in next to the microphone and said, “She’s all flustered, Traffy, good work!” I went to grab it back from the ginger’s hands but the stepped back and exchanged a few words with Law before handing me my phone back with a bright smile. Bringing it back to my ear, I rushed back to the corridor to avoid them eavesdropping more than they did in the kitchen.

“Sorry about them- for your outfit, wear whatever you want. I truly have no say in what you’re going to wear, plus you’ll look hot with whatever you pick so, it’s a win-win.” I quickly said, earning a laugh from the man on the other side. “I’d love to see your face right now, Robin did say you were flustered. Guess we’ll have to wait until Thursday.” He hummed, his tone having some finality to it. I knew it was my cue to hang up.

“I wasn’t flustered, I- at best embarrassed- no wait that sounds worst doesn’t it? Anyway, see you on Thursday! Have fun at work, bye.” I waited until he bid me goodbye before hanging up. As I put my phone away, I leaned against the wall and sighed, letting my head hit the wall. “Are you okay?” Robin’s soft voice reached my ears, she was making her way towards me with a slight smile. Probably feeling a bit bad for going along Nami’s childish attitude only moments ago.

Humming, I gave her a nod. But the words that followed were not matching the actions. “He’s like, very hot. And I really want to fuck him, right? But he’s also pretty funny, and good at flirting?”

Squinting her eyes, Robin asked, “Is that a question… or?”

“No, no, it’s facts and it confuses me! I was ready to just, hook up, but he could be more- I don’t know maybe I’m desperate.” I simply shrugged, leaving a silence between the black-haired woman and me.

Looking up at her, she seemed to be thinking. Then she smiled, she was always the one with good advice but also a helpless romantic. “It’s a good thing isn’t it? You don’t need to worry too much, that date of yours will help you see if you’re really interested in him or not! If not, you’ll have great sex- if yes, you’ll still have great sex, and another date.” I groaned in reply, running a hand through my hair before giving her a short nod.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll just- live my life until then, I have other things to do than think of a man. By the way are you home tonight?” I asked her as we walked back to the kitchen where Nami was nowhere to be found, there was simply a piece of paper with the words ‘bring your ass to the car’.

Chuckling lightly, Robin shook her head. “I have to stay late at the library. Then Franky agreed to let me stay at his place, since it’s closer.” We talked a bit as we made our way to the door, where she wave me goodbye before closing the door gently behind me.

When I was back in the car, Nami had one of her earbuds on and was talking more gently than she’d usually talk to someone. Which means she was talking to Vivi. I did not interrupt and instead grabbed my phone and saw a message from HandSurgeon.

HandSurgeon: Are you feeling better? Don’t forget to stay hydrated, I’ll be a bit busy this week, but I can find time if you’d like.

Edelweiss: shit, just saw your message! Sorry, crazy morning. I am definitely sore, but it’s good, I can move so there’s that!

Edelweiss: Also, I might be a bit away from Wednesday to Friday, I am seeing someone and knowing how our session leave me pretty sore, I’d rather you know…

Edelweiss: be in good shape

Edelweiss: for a good fun

Edelweiss: a good fuck

This time, I did not have a prompt reply. I put my phone away and it’s only halfway through my day, while I was working on something at the library, that I received a reply from him. I’ll admit, I had been expectant the entire morning for an answer. I had been deep in textbooks for so long, I was craving for any sort of interaction, from anyone. Which explained the speed at which I unlocked my phone to see the text from HandSurgeon, and even one from Trafalgar Law.

I hesitate for a moment, then opened discord.

HandSurgeon: It’s fine, you are allowed to have a life you know. Simply tell me if you want to stop this, or not, you know… if your someone is not the one and you still need a good fuck.

HandSurgeon: I will also be busy on Thursday, I’ll try to send you a text if I get some free time.

HandSurgeon: I just finished a long meeting, would you be up for a fun game?

I stared at his messages, feeling a bit excited suddenly. But knowing myself, I would say yes, so I had to answer to Law first before spending my time sexting the stranger.

Trafalgar Law 😷: I’m sorry we had to cut our conversation short, how was class? I have a bit of free time, if you’d like to talk about our research meeting.

You: That’s actually pretty cute, thought you were just a horny piece of meat but damn, you surprise me.

You: I am still on campus, drowning in work. I’d love to talk, but I need to focus, text me later? 🤠

Going back on discord, I felt strange. I wanted to say yes, to play his game, but it felt wrong for some reason. I was double texting and it felt like I was cheating on a man I was not even dating. I ignored the thought and typed back.

Edelweiss: I kinda wanna know, but also really need to get back to work. So, I’ll have to decline.

Edelweiss: But I’m curious, what was the game?

HandSurgeon: It’s quite alright, I was going to suggest you’d take a pretty picture for me no matter who was around. But you are busy, so I’ll leave you be. Focus on your work. I’ll talk to you later.

HandSurgeon: But for ‘emotional support’, I’ll give you this:

HandSurgeon : [sent an attachment]

I snorted at his words, and smiled when he sent me a picture of his gloved hand gripping the wheel of his car tightly. I did comment on wearing gloves while driving, even though they were not medical gloves and it had some charm, it was very movie-like. And suspicious.

After that, I put my phone down and got lost in work. I did not even see time fly by, what informed me that it was indeed a few hours later than I thought, was the grumbling of my stomach. “I think it’s time to call it a day.” I mumbled while packing everything up. With the books put back where they belonged and my laptop tucked away, I made my way outside and was walking through the parking lot when I saw a familiar mop of hair making its way towards me.

I suddenly felt self-conscious and straightened my back before meeting his gaze and frowning in confusion. “Are you stalking me?” I patted my pockets in emphasis, before saying “Did you put a chip somewhere, or-“ Law shook his head as if I was being crazy. “Bro, it’s super super sus that you’re at my campus when I never gave you the address-“

“I asked Robin. I was going to ask Nami but she wouldn’t have given me anything.” He explained as if it was obvious.

Looking around, I opened my mouth and closes it a few times. It was a bit awkward. “Why are you here, then?” I asked, still confused, my eyes squint in suspicion.

“Right- give me a moment.” He turned around and took a few long strides to get to his car and get something from the passenger seat before coming back. Even though his steps were hurried, there was still this elegance to it that I could not ignore.

“I am very familiar with long hours of studying, so here’s a drink and some food. I used to skip meals, because I’d get too much into it. Don’t do that, eat.” While what he said seemed caring, he was not smiling or anything. But the gesture was so sweet I couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s very nice of you,” I said, tucking my hair behind my ear jokingly in faux-shyness before going back to a normal demeanor. “But I was going home. I was done for the day, here,” I handed it back to him before trying to find my wallet in my bag. “Let me, just- how much do I owe you?”

He stopped me from rummaging through my back and ruffled my hair before handing me the drink and food back. “Nothing, I was passing by. Now I am sure to not get lost when I’ll come and get you on Thursday.” He winked, then looked back at his watch a moment. He seemed to ponder something for a moment, before looking up at me. “Would you like me to drop you off at your house? I have a bit of time before going back to work.” He asked kindly, showing me his keys as if trying to coo me.

“Maybe you should go eat too? I’ll take the bus, it’s alright.” Smiling, the man pointed at his car with a certain pride. “Oh don’t worry, I got myself something too. It could be our first lunch date, you are so bent on traditions, so why not lunch?”

I felt my cheeks heat up and pushed him playfully, careful not to spill the drink I had in my hand. “I’m not bent on traditions, I just barely know you, doc.” I looked to the side and shrugged before walking past him, “Let’s get lunch.” I said over my shoulder. I heard the man laugh in the back, then the jingle of keys.

I tried to open the door but found it locked. I stated the obvious, “I can’t get in if it’s locked.” I was about to complain more, when he leaned over his side of the car and grinned. “Ask politely, and I’ll let you in.” I hated him, but the smile on my face was a betrayal of how I really felt. He was a little shit, but it was still fun. Rolling my eyes, I mimicked his action and rested my arms on the roof of the car, “Could you please unlock the car, doc?” “Good girl, was it that hard?”

I turned my head towards him so fast I may have pulled a muscle in my neck, but the way he said it made it a lot more than just a nickname. He was testing the waters for something, and I had given him the exact reaction he wanted. “What, do I call you daddy now?” I said sarcastically while getting inside the car and buckling my seatbelt while he held everything before placing them back on my lap.

“Not my thing, but I’m sure we’ll get to that conversation later.” He smirked as he put something in the glove box before closing it back and meeting my intense gaze as he leaned back on his seat. I was observing each and everyone of his action, feeling out of place in his car. I had met the man last night, but for some reason he felt familiar. Perhaps it was his aura, perhaps he was just that reassuring. No, clearly not, he looks threatening… “Something on your mind? I don’t know if you’re looking at me like you want kill me or fuck me,” Extending his hand towards me, he placed his index under my chin and lifted it, I quickly grabbed his hand like last time to stop him.

“Maybe both, maybe none-“ With a short smile, he interrupted me, “Don’t be like that, I’ll ask differently. Are you uncomfortable? I haven’t done this in a while, so I’m trying to take it slow…ish.” He admitted. I could see on his face he was feeling just as sheepish as I was. Clasping my hands on my lap I chuckled nervously, “I’m good, I was just…. Observing. You’re doing good, simply put…” I trailed off and met his gaze with a playful grin, “Ye’re a looker pardner,” I then tipped my non-existent hat, which made him laugh genuinely.

“You were just in awe?” He asked a bit surprised, hiding his bashfulness behind a laugh. “Exactly, take the compliment and don’t mention it again. Now drive, or you’ll get back late at work.” I huffed, looking at the window with warm cheeks. I felt a pull at my hand and looked at it confused, “I’d love to, but you’re still holding my hand.” I quickly let go and threw his hand back at him, “It was to make sure you weren’t going to do the whole,” Making a gesture with my hands in the air, wiggling my fingers, I continued, “Chin thing again.”

Even though he agreed, only giving me a curt nod along with a “Right.”, I could see the smile on his face as he started the car. Looking at him from the corner of my eyes, I matched his smile discretely as I looked back at the road.

The volume of the music wasn’t loud, I could hear the fabric of his coat as he maneuvered, the blinkers, my own nervous heartbeat. There was no reason for me to feel so nervous, we were just going to eat lunch then go our separate way. To try to calm down, I rummaged through my brain for topics to talk about, small talks was fun in social events but in one on one, it was a fucking disaster.

Do you have any pets? Do you like cats? Maybe talk about his job? How long did he study? Or funny topics, less social, more creative? Politics is off the table, it’s not that great of a first date conversation. What’s your favourite colour? What part of your body to your prefer-

I blurted out a question to try to fill the silence. And fuck did I regret it, I shouldn’t be allowed to speak when in that state, but it was too late. “So… what’s your favourite body part?” Wait, no, fuck, not…

[Part 6]

#trafalgar one piece #trafalgardwaterlaw #trafalgar law #one piece trafalgar law #trafalgar law x reader #one piece x reader #physicalturian #words of pleasure #wop #fanfiction #one piece #law one piece #law x reader #ao3 #ao3 writer #physicalturian AO3 #writing #writings

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shespeaksinsongs · 3 years ago

Text

You Are My New Fear | Letters To My Mom

TW: MOMMY ISSUES, MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND ANXIETY.

Me in my game room at about five years old.

I wish somebody would have told me that that smile I used to slather onto my face so effortlessly would soon become something I forced. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference, but it's best to be prepared in any case.

"What's your biggest fear?" My elementary best friend asked, kicking her feet giddily under the table. We were still too little to reach the floor.

"Drowning." I'd say, with a panicked look on my face, growing pale at the mere thought of dying that way.

"What are you most afraid of, hija?" My dad asked on our regular morning car rides to school.

"Drowning." I'd say, without even thinking twice. The answer was almost prepared, seeing as how casually it rolled off my tongue.

"What's your biggest fear?" My friend asked in the comfort of her room, watching as I shifted uncomfortably in my spot on her bed.

"Becoming my mother." I'd say wishing that drowning was the most of my worries.

I don't know when my default answer of drowning to death switched to the terrifying idea that I would, one day, become my mother. Still, somewhere along the lines, those little moments that I would suck up to my mom and gift her pretty pictures I spent hours working on and picking daisies from my backyard for her turned into scheduling my crying for nighttime when everyone was asleep.

Slowly but surely, I became uneasy about the idea of marriage, fearing that I'd only ruin it and become a wife like my mother. The idea of having children scared me to the point where I felt I would rather sacrifice my own happiness so that my children wouldn't have to live to see the day I turn into my mom.

Because in my eyes, my mom is a monster. She's not the kind of monster that has big, sharp teeth and scary yellow eyes, and a menacing growl. She's the kind of monster that you would never suspect. She's the bloody hand, but you were the accomplice. She was the screwdriver, but you were the loose screw. Sure, she hurt you, but you let yourself be hurt by her - so really, whose fault was it?

My mom is the kind of monster that uses your vulnerability against you in the worst way possible.

"I'm just not feeling good right now. I feel like I'm dying, and I feel tired all the time." My sixth-grade self, awkwardly positioned in the passenger's seat, turning my head away from my mom.

"Well, you know we care about you." My mom said, stoic in her demeanor and ultimately still in how she held her body up.

It was a day I'll never forget. She picked at her fingernails and anxiously tapped the gas pedal, waiting for me to be done talking about my emotions so she could drive back "home."

Warm tears stung my eyes, forcing their way down my face in slow streams. "You don't get it, I-" I stopped, knowing it wasn't worth it to try to make my mom understand feelings she'd been adamant didn't exist.

"Ay, don't be so dramatic." My mom said, waving her hand up to dismiss me and my silly ideas. She was right. I wasn't depressed or anxious, and I definitely didn't look for any excuse possible to threaten suicide against myself. My mom said so.

I don't know why I kept running back to her in times of need. Maybe it was my dream version of her that I relied on to justify my ever-growing love for her. Feasibly, it was the person I wanted her to be. And perhaps, just perhaps, my expectations of her drove me to the point where I'd convinced myself my mother was the person I saw when I closed my eyes at night.

I remember telling her things, spreading rumors I'd heard about people in the family, hoping that it would make us closer. The things I did just to make her happy...

"Mom, I'm trying my best!" I cried on the floor, cleaning up the mess my new puppy had made. She'd pooped and peed all over the kitchen. I was exhausted, previously knocked out in my bed, when my mom called me downstairs, screaming for me to get my ass down there.

"No, you're not! You never try! You're useless! I should've never had you!" My mom yelled from the bottom of her heart (or lack thereof).

Tears welled in my eyes for the millionth time because of my mother. This wasn't the first time she'd wished me dead, and it sure wouldn't be the last time. "Mommy, please just leave me alone and let me clean up." I begged, letting broken sobs come out of my mouth. I wanted to hurt her, and I wanted to hurt her as bad as she hurt me.

My mom refused to leave, yelling at me, watching as I piteously scraped my dog's contents off the wall.

It's sad that the only good memories I have of my mom are those I couldn't participate in. Instead, I have stories of her youth and how caring of a mother she used to be when I was a baby - conveniently so far back that I can't remember it. It pains me more knowing how she was before she had me, her firstborn. If she were this way her whole life, would I take it so personally?

Am I dramatic for wishing I had a mother who could hug me back when I hugged her? Am I a selfish and pathetic bitch for feeling envy when I see how my friends' moms act with them? Why can't my mom love me the way she loves her? Why does my mom have more pictures of her first niece than she does of me? What did I do to her?

"Mommy, mommy! Look!" I said, running up to my mother, holding my report card in the air like a shiny new toy - all A's.

"Nice job, Fio. I'm so proud of you. You're doing great. Keep it up." My mom said softly, pulling me into a warm hug. Somehow, that was all I needed - that's all I wanted. It really is a shame that that memory is fake.

I have plenty of other fake memories that I store in my head, letting the (also fake) backstories take over my mind when I go to sleep. For one of them, I was romping around on an old swing set, one that made little squeaky noises whenever I swung too high.

Somehow, I lose control of the swing, and my mom comes rushing up to me, worried and begging for me to tell her how she could help. I don't know when or how she got there (my dad was usually the one to take me to the park), but what I do know is she's exactly who I needed there at that moment.

So many real memories I have of me needing my mother most, waiting for the day she would actually turn up in one of them. She was always the first to pick me up in school lines. She was always at my open houses. She attended every grade promotion I had. But she was never there. It was all a facade. She'd said so herself that she craved being the all-star mom, the one who'd win several gold medals if there were award ceremonies for that sort of thing.

Her perfectionism is what makes her corrupt. She has spent my entire life telling me what to do, how to do it, scolding me for not doing it the way she imagined me doing it in her head.

She refused to seek help when that's all I wanted her to do.

"What do you want for your birthday, hija?" My dad asked, glancing at me while keeping his eyes fixed on the road, humming along to a Christmas carol playing on the radio.

"Honestly, dad?" I asked, only twelve years old, my green eyes twinkling in hope.

"Whatever your heart desires." My dad said in a goofy voice, making me smile.

"I want Mom to get help." I said sadly, hoping my dad would agree and push the idea upon my mom.

My mother went to therapy for four months. My dad had to pay her every session for her to go. In my mom's life, money has never been an obstacle. Her father was a middle-high class socialite in Venezuela who worked in engineering and oil companies. Her mother, who passed away of Leukemia when she was twelve, spoiled her rotten until her very last breath.

Eventually, I became mentally sick to the core. Writing and singing, my two favorite things in the world, became hobbies, and life had lost its zesty twang. Little things like music and the people I passed on the street that waved "hello" at me became nuisances. My mom "gave up" her therapy so I could get help.

I still wonder if she did it for herself or for me.

A few times a year, I get asked what my biggest fear is. Sometimes it comes up in conversation. Other times I create the question, not thinking about the consequences if people answer with "Spiders, yours?"

Each time I get asked, I take a deep breath and lie. "The dark." I say now, the idea of death by sea sounding more of tranquility than a travesty.

I look back at the old pictures I have of myself, a smiley and shy little girl who was afraid of nothing and everything at the same time. To her, I ask, "When you have nothing to lose, why be afraid?"

Me, with my baby doll at age three. I loved taking care of her. I used to take her everywhere with me.

#open letter #dear mom hlbutterfly #hlbutterflyoriginal

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peachcitt · 3 years ago

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okay, so style reference you say? I'm 👀

YES STYLE REFERENCE I SAY

this is going to be. a very long post i think with probably a lot of tangents and probably with a lot more thorough explanation than you could ever want but. here we go

because all of my theory/explanation posts end up So Long, i like to organize myself by keeping myself to a structure, and i also like to think if i put stuff in sub categories with bolded titles, people reading can skip ahead to the stuff they want if they're low on time or don't feel like slogging through everything. so here's the structure of the official Peach Style Reference Narrative

1. Early Days - how i started writing, my early inspirations, origins

2. Current Days - discussions of current style references plus examples and comparisons, discussions of original content versus fan content

3. Future Days - where i expect my writing to grow, trajectories i want, conclusory thoughts

without further ado, let's get into it!

1. Early Days

like i mentioned on the discord server, ive been writing creatively for. a very long time. i just turned 20 (like. literally today. we love to see it) and that seems very young, but i remember writing creatively when i was maybe six or seven, and before that i played with dolls a lot, which meant every day i was creating little narratives for myself. in addition to this - and this is probably why i started writing so young - i was (and am!) a very avid reader. i was that little jerk in elementary school reading chapter books and going into the older kids' section in the school library because i'd already mentally surpassed the books in the section meant for kids my age. so, basically, ive been writing for maybe 13 or 14 years at the least.

when i was young, my favorite books that i remember trying to copy in my own stories were: the magic treehouse books, harry potter, and percy jackson.

the magic treehouse

i honestly could not tell you which magic treehouse book it was, but i remember reading a specific magic treehouse book where the magic lady that left the treehouse for the kids sends the kids (jack and annie??) a note in distress, and she didn't get to finish signing her name because whoever had gotten her had interrupted her. it had been printed in the book with the ink on her name running.

i could not tell you anything else that happened in that book, but i can tell you that at some point in time soon after i read that book i started writing a story with an interrupted letter just like that. i loved the drama, the mystery of it all. i wanted to do something that was a little scary like that, a little exciting.

harry potter

harry potter isn't much of a style reference, but it was a huge impact of my childhood. truth be told i kind of hated the books when i was really young because i grew up watching the movies, and when i tried to read the books when i was in elementary school, the teenage angst that hits about book 5 simply Did Not make sense to me. i also find the language of harry potter to be super cumbersome, and sometimes it feels to me like the books are long just for the sake of being long. they have a huge cultural impact, but i feel the same way about harry potter's style as i do about dickens. cool and interesting, but, like, could you get to the point already? (and also my opinion of j.k. rowling has steadily been growing worse and worse over the years, for obvious reasons. harry potter is nostalgic for me, but i can't look at it now without thinking about it critically, which really lowers my opinion of it)

however, you could probably call my first fanfiction a harry potter fanfiction. i started it when i was maybe six or seven, and it was a rewrite of the chamber of secrets with my childhood best friend as the main character (she didn't know about it, i just had her as the main character because i thought she was cool). i of course never finished it, but harry potter probably did a huge part of planting that seed of magic in me. everything i want to write included some form of magic - although my perspective on what can be considered magic has steadily expanded over the years.

percy jackson

of all my childhood "style references" that still influence me to this day, percy jackson has got to be the biggest. for starters, it's magic. second, it's main themes are about friendship and family - things that i like all my stories now to always include. third - and most important - is the narrative voice.

in terms of narrative voice, percy has a huge personality. he's witty and snarky, but also very thoughtful and poignant. a lot of my early writing was in first person, and it's probably because of percy. also, percy jackson was the first fandom i really got into, and it was the first media that i started officially writing and posting fanfiction for. percy's voice is so clear and hooking, and i wanted to be able to write something funny and real like that.

also - chapter titles. the original pjo series is famous for its weird and hilarious chapter titles, and even though i didn't really start writing fics or stories that were long enough to need chapter titles until a while later, i loved the idea of putting in a chapter title that would make a reader laugh, or maybe even make a reader feel a little apprehensive about the events to come.

but back to percy's narrative voice. i loved that style, almost conversational, so much that i started thinking like it. when i wasn't doing anything, like walking home in middle school, i often found myself narrating my life in my head like percy would, trying to find that humor and spark in my every day surroundings. i still find myself doing that very often, but not necessarily in the classic pjo style. now i narrate everything in my head a little differently, but that practice narration in my early days really helped my shape my voice, i think.

other series i read when i was younger include: a a series of unfortunate events and the name of this book is secret. i don't remember seeing a lot of influence in my early writing from those books, but i definitely think the styles of those books hit me a little later, which i will talk about in the next section.

but, yeah. these were the big three of my childhood. i also read a lot of ya romance, children's mystery books, princess stories, and various types of fantasy, which i think you could probably tell from the genres i like to stick to now. except i don't write a ton of mystery because, as much as i admire the complicated plots, im not sure if i'd have the patience to plan all that out.

in terms of the rest of the genres, a ton of my earlier writing included classic ya romance and fantasy tropes - chosen girl, love triangles, angsty overpowered teens, etc etc. even though those kinds of stories are not necessarily the kinds of stories i want to write or read now, i think my early writing of those kinds of things was really valuable. it's kind of a dirty secret with finished or unfinished works generally considered 'cringe' - often that writer is a new writer, or they're trying something new, or they just haven't found their voice yet. all of those things are perfectly okay and normal, and a lot of people in the writing community preach that kind of thing, but i don't necessarily see people cutting new writers slack in actual practice. writing "overrused" tropes isn't cringe, it's normal, and, besides, what trope isn't overrused? people have been writing and telling stories for thousands of years - nothing is really new. what matter is that someone new is telling the story, and that's what makes it valuable.

so, yeah, a lot of my childhood writing is cringe to me now, but i wouldn't be where i am without it.

with that being said, let's actually look at where i am now

2. Current Days

im going to break this section down into two parts, sort of: original fiction and fanfiction. because i think both of these things have become really important to me, and i don't believe i personally could exist as a writer without one or the other. it's a symbiotic relationship.

we'll start with fanfiction.

my relationship with fanfiction is relatively positive in online spaces: i write what i want to see from media that i like, and i have fun doing it. i also get some comments on my fics by lovely people that detail exactly what they like - some even go so far to talk about narrative style, voice, or tone - and that's really helpful. generally, i see fanfiction not only as a fun hobby and vent space for my strong positive feelings about certain media, but also as a place for me to try new things, experiment, and earn positive feedback.

i don't often share my original fiction online (and if i do, never at the same scope as my fanfiction), so i don't get that same opportunity to see what "works" with readers. fanfiction gives me the space to see that, and i apply new knowledge ive learned to my original fiction. that's what i mean by a symbiotic relationship.

in terms of specific style references for specific fics (which is what i know you probably most want to see), i'll try my best to pick them all out and give specific examples.

those benevolent stars and i am the messenger by markus zusak

in my favorite book list, i saw you mention tbs, so i'll start there. to be honest, i had no idea what my style reference for tbs was when i first saw your tags, and i almost didn't think there was anything specific. style references are a bit sneaky like that - if you've been referencing for someone for a long time, it becomes less of an intentional reference and more of just a you think, so it gets harder to tell.

lucky for this post, i just finished doing my yearly reread of zusak's i am the messenger, and as i was reading, i noticed a few spots where i was like wait hey i remember doing that.

for starters, iatm has been my favorite book for about six or seven years now, so i would say that some aspects of my style certainly comes from zusak because of how much i love iatm but also his other books. zusak has this huge talent for writing short, punchy sentences that convey so much in just a few words, and i think i've ended up trying to do that in my own writing. often, in my writing you'll see fragmentary sentences such as "He stopped. Blinked. Looked at her." that's not from anything specific, but i know ive written something like that maybe a million times over. zusak doesn't do the same thing - often his fragments are jam-packed with imagery in a way that mine aren't - but there's a thoughtfulness in his fragments that are in mine, too. a sort of pause. a hint that there's thinking happening in the narrator or a certain character. for example, i did a quick flip through of my copy and we have:

"We stare across the table.

Just briefly.

At each other." (I am the Messenger, p.144)

so you see how my common sentence fragment of "he stopped / blinked / looked at her" tracks with a fragment like this? i like the way zusak broke up sentences to make you dwell on them a little longer, consider the importance of each section, so i started doing that wayy before i wrote tbs i think.

also, at the time i wrote tbs, i think i was in the process of, or had just finished doing my reread of iatm, and, like i said, zusak loves imagery. tbs is a very imagery-heavy fic. tbs was influenced by a lot of music - a lot of the scenes have very specific pieces of music that i wrote imagining the tone and vibe of. iatm also references a lot of outside media sources, mostly music and films.

there are a couple of scenes in tbs that i think i wrote specifically mimicking or accidentally referencing from iatm. for example, we have this scene in tbs:

"It was almost like he could feel Marinette’s eyes on his back, steady and gentle. 'But you still love her.”

'Yeah,' Adrien said quietly, 'I still love her.' His eyes moved along a streak of purple that bled into a dark blue. 'I hate her a little bit, too.'

Marinette was silent.

He turned around, giving her a smile." (Those Benevolent Stars, chapter 3)

and this scene from iatm:

"'Do you hate me, Ed?'

Still stupid with bubbles and vodka in my stomach, I answer. Very seriously.

'Yes,' I whisper. 'I do.'

We both smack the sudden silence with laughter." (I am the Messenger, p. 233)

obviously there are differences, and i don't think i did it on purpose, but the interaction is very similar. i love the gentle intimacy of that scene in iatm, that weird complication relationship between the main character and the person he loves, the hurt, the brushing it off with laughter. so i wrote a scene that incorporated those things

zusak is also really good at writing moments of quiet into his books that aren't necessarily important to the plot, but are still important. if you've ever read that ghibli meta post talking about the 'quiet' between scenes in studio ghibli scenes, meant to give both the audience and the characters space to breath, it's like that. nothing in iatm is not imporant - it all serves a purpose, even the quiet moments, and i try to do the same thing. there's moments like that in tbs i think, like:

"Marinette gave him a small smile before turning back to her ice cream. Adrien tried to eat his ice cream a little faster, licking up where it had dripped onto his hand.

They were quiet for a while longer, and Marinette finished her ice cream. She leaned back on her hands and looked up at the dark sky, littered with stars.

He could see them all in her eyes, too." (Those Benevolent Stars, chapter 3)

and in iatm, you get scenes like:

"Our feet dangle.

I watch them, and I watch the jeans on Audrey's legs.

We only sit there now.

Audrey and me." (I am the Messenger, p.120)

so i definitely think tbs is a very i-am-the-messenger/markuz zusak-inspired fic. there's a lot of zusak's quiet, and there's the pieces of zusak's style that i've picked up along the way that really shine in tbs

tomorrow and this body's not big enough for the both of us by edgar cantero

ive talked about cantero a few times recently, but, as you've probably noticed, in relation to my fic called 'tomorrow.' i wrote tomorrow pretty soon after reading this body's not big enough for the both of us, and i used tomorrow specifically to experiment with cantero's visual writing style. in all the books by cantero ive read, there's this kind of hyper-awareness of a film gaze - how a certain scene would be shot on a camera, dialogue as script writing, and other things like that mixed with prose. i thought it was fascinating, and after finishing this body, i really wanted to play around with that idea. so i wrote tomorrow keeping in mind a "film gaze." for example:

"Two figures sitting on a rooftop, silhouettes. The moon hovers over them carefully, a crescent afraid to break the silence. One of the figures takes a breath, looks up into the sky at the hesitant moon, and he sighs. He closes his mouth again." (tomorrow)

versus in cantero's work, where we get descriptions like:

"And then, like a high-heeled coup de grace, she arrived.

She paused briefly outside the door, her hourglass silhouette cast upon the glass panel with the fresh shiny vinyl letters" (This Body's Not Big Enough for the Both of Us, prologue)

the tone of the two excerpts are very different, but there's a very visual sense to both of them, like they are being described from a shot in a movie rather than a regular work in prose. in tomorrow i also work a lot with specific camera imagery - saying where the camera goes in the scene, what it focuses on - and this body doesn't do this too much, but cantero's meddling kids does at least once that i remember.

regardless, after finishing this body, i wanted to try my hand at the visual structure that cantero uses in his works, so i really leaned in to the idea.

chat noir's white french man hit list for feminist purposes and grasshopper jungle by andrew smith

this is, as of right now, the most recent fic on my ao3, and i started it the literal day i finished grasshopper jungle. i think you might be getting a theme here - i read a really good book, and then immediately after i start writing something. the easiest way to get inspired as a writer is to read.

chat noir's hit list is a fic that is very much aware of the fact that it is a story being told - you don't know by who or for what real reason until the end, but it's a self aware sort of story. it's also very snarky and sarcastic, and it expands past just the confines of its own story; it's about chat noir and his hit list, but it also talks in depth about emilie agreste, chat noir's relationship with ladybug, and his relationship with himself. this is very much the kind of thing that you would find in an andrew smith book - grasshopper jungle is a story being told to you, and it's also about more than just the original pieces of the plot. the narrator tells the story that expands past regular confines of the story he means to tell - he's telling the 'history' of his life and his town, but he also talks about his great-great grandfather, the origins of the ketchup his girlfriend's dad eats, and what's happening in other parts of the country as he and his best friend are hanging out. the line in chat's hit list of "stars exploded, the sun did not, life continued on" was very much a grasshopper jungle and andrew smith-inspired line.

at the end of adrien's narration in chat's hit list, he says:

"It should be mentioned at this point in time that this story is not over, although I’ll stop telling it here.

So that’s the story of Chat Noir, who is also Adrien Agreste, who was very much a normal boy, except for the fact that he wasn’t. It’s a sad story, but it is also a happy story, and it is highly confidential. I’m sure you understand." (Chat Noir's White French Man Hit List for Feminist Purposes)

and at the end of grasshopper jungle, as the main character is closing out his narration, we get:

What I have written here is not the history of Eden. It is the history of the end of the world. All real histories will be about everything, and they will stretch to the end of the world.

The end of the world started when Andrej Szczerba slid into the cold sea as his boy, Krys, watched and wept and drifted closer and closer to the United States of America.

Nobody knew anything about it." (Grasshopper Jungle, p.382-3)

It's not overtly similar, but the structure is the same: recognition of the end, short summary of where we started and left the story, tag phrase that was used prior in the work. when i was writing the end of adrien's narration, i didn't mean to mirror grasshopper jungle so closely, but sometimes things just happen that way - honestly, so many of the things i do in my writing aren't intentional, they're subconscious. when i make a conscious choice, it's related to plot or to a new strategy im applying to style or voice that i'm not used to, but a lot of the things i do fly under the radar in my brain unless im purposefully trying to piece them apart like i am here.

i will say the meta-story of chat's hit list was pretty directly inspired by grasshopper jungle because i love meta stories, and i like using opportunities to put them in. i just love the idea of reading a story of someone telling someone else a story, which is what the two books by andrew smith i've read have been, and i think that's just fascinating, which is why i used it here.

ive gotten a couple of comments on chat's hit list that liken the narrative style to pseudonymous bosch's the name of this book is secret and lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events, which i thought was really interesting, because i was purposefully trying to make the voice an impression of andrew smith's voice adapted to the tone of ml, but i could definitely see their reasoning.

andrew smith, like i mentioned before, likes specifics - what exactly people were doing at certain times, where a specific bottle of ketchup came from, etc. from what i remember of the name of this book is secret and a series of unfortunate events, i remember the descriptions included in those books chock full of highly specific, snarky details that aren't truly necessary, but do a whole lot in terms of adding a certain flavor to the narration. i won't try and look up examples from unfortunate events and the name of this book, but here are a couple examples:

"See, the thing about Emilie Agreste, formerly Emilie Graham De Vanily, is that she was what could be generously called a ‘radical.’ Born in 1969, like most amazing and world-altering things, Emilie Graham De Vanily grew up in London alongside her twin sister, who is a nice enough woman and who is not really that important to this story, and she was raised with the firm and gentle hands of people who had witnessed war and cruelty and had found that they did not like at all. Emilie Graham De Vanily grew up learning about the true history of England, which is not a very nice history, truly, and she grew up knowing that people with white skin like her were historically not all that great. That, historically, was a very radical thought." (Chat Noir's White French Man Hit List for Feminist Purposes)

from chat's hit list, and this:

"In 1905, being seventeen years old made you a man. In 1969 when hungry Jack fought in Vietnam, seventeen years old was a man. My brother, Eric, who was somewhere in Afghanistan, was twenty-two.

Krzys Szczerba came across the Atlantic with his father. They planned on working and earning enough money so Krzys's mother, brother, and two sisters could come to the United States, too. People who did that were called Bread Polacks. They came here to make money." (Grasshopper Jungle, p. 68)

from grasshopper jungle. once again, obviously very different, but you can tell im playing around with that same feeling of giving a surplus of facts in my narration in the same way that andrew smith does. you can't really tell in the grasshopper jungle excerpt, but oftentimes the surplus of 'facts' serves almost a comedic effect, which is definitely something that you can feel in chat noir's hit list.

[REDACTED] and six of crows by leigh bardugo

as a reward for sticking around through this, i'll give out something fun here. the current long fic that ive been working on recently has proved to be very bardugo-inspired, particularly six of crows-inspired.

in six of crows, bardugo gives us action right off the bat and then integrates flashbacks into lulls of action so that there's never truly a dull moment. i found [REDACTED] to be a fic where i wanted to use flashbacks in a similar way, so that i would get something like:

"She doesn’t stay for the whole parade, but she stays for enough of it. Nothing unusual happens, just like always, but she still makes cursory patrols around the city, ending up at the Eiffel Tower, just like always. She sits on the railing way up at the top, and she crosses her ankles, swinging her legs back and forth and humming softly to herself as she watches the sun set.

'Little kitty on the roof, all alone without his lady,' he used to sing when he’d gotten back to their meeting point from patrolling his half of the city before her. It was just a silly little song, one that he’d clearly made up for himself."

It didn’t hurt until he’d been akumatized, and she’d seen that one version of the future - the one where he’d destroyed the whole world because of Gabriel Agreste. She’d seen him then, a lonely figure in white, humming his little song to himself. Who knows how long he’d been like that before she’d been transported to him, how long he’d been really and truly alone. (REDACTED, chapter 1)

and in comparison, we get a lot of scenes in six of crows like:

"Kaz leaned against the ship's railing. He wished he hadn't said anything about his brother. Even those few words raised the memories, clamoring for attention. What had he said to Geels at the Exchange? I'm the kind of bastard they only manufacture in the Barrel. One more lie, one more piece of the myth he'd built for himself.

After their father died, crushed beneath a plow with his insides strewn across a field like a trail of damp red blossoms, Jordie had sold the farm. Not for much." (Six of Crows, p.205-6)

bardugo uses most of the flashbacks during a time in which the main characters are on a long sea voyage, which means they have a lot of time to reflect on their pasts and what brought them to these situations - it's a smart way to fill the empty space of the sea voyage and to really dwell on how important the voyage is. in a similar way, i chose to use the flashbacks in dull or lulling moments in the events of the story, ones in which marinette lets her mind wander or sees something that makes her remember something specific.

however, here's a situation where you can see me adapt the style into something that makes more sense for me, personally: in my excerpt, the tense changes between the current events and the flashback events, while in bardugo's excerpt, the tense stays the same at a comfortable past tense. when i was writing my fic with the flashbacks, i thought the constant, sometimes abrupt, switching would get confusing, so i made sure to always have a clear line using the past and present tense that readers could consciously or unconsciously take notice of.

so there are a couple of instances within some fairly recent fics i have that have specific callbacks to specific books. there are a whole bunch more, i think, but these are the ones that ive played around with intentionally the most recently or the most often.

3. Future Days

based on my recent rapid experimentation in fics (the most recent four fics on my ao3 have been very experimental in comparison to most of my works), i really anticipate a lot of growth in my overall style. ive been having a lot of fun experimenting and throwing in things that a few years ago i would've never even thought of, so im really excited to see where that might lead me, style wise.

i think as a writer there's always room for growth and learning, and that kind of growth and learning comes from not only practicing writing, but also reading. i cannot stress enough how valuable and impactful reading is on writing. considering ive been trying to read a lot more than i have been in recent years, it makes a lot of sense that ive been making a lot of weird decisions and learning more about what i want to see in my own writing.

honestly, if you ever want to know about any of my other fics, or you want to see how this kind of thing translates to my original works, just shoot me an ask! this post is already long enough, so i think i'll go ahead and end it here, but just know you can always ask questions<3

thank you so much for asking me this question and letting me indulge, and thank you for reading!!!<3<3<3<3

#ask #miabrown007 #writing #writing meta #writing style #writing style reference #my writing meta #this took. actually i will not say how long this took because i do not want to hurt myself that way #just know that this took a while. did it need to? fucking no absolutely not you didn't ask for something this long i did this to myself #this is why i didn't answer this for a couple days btw i wanted to take time to actually sit down and write down a thorough post like this #for you and i didn't have the time when you first sent it #technically i should not have had the time today but that sort of thing doesn't count in the middle of the night #happy birthday to me im giving myself a super long meta post where i info dump about some of my favorite things #also you did not. you did not ask for writing or life advice and yet i also gave that. im sorry it just happens i don't know how to stop #im so tired. i have class tomorrow (today) my cat's being a little piece of shit. we love to see it #thanks so much for asking this and i seriously mean it when i say you can ask any time #i obviously didn't go over the majority of my fics and most of this was done off of memory alone #(in terms of my own fics. the books i had to flip through to find the quotes i wanted)#so if you have any more questions about a specific fic don't hesitate to ask!! that goes for everyone btw #anyway now i have to pay attention to my cat and then go to sleep goodnight love y'all

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horrorslashergirl · 4 years ago

Note

I totally LOVE your writings about Jesse! They are a literal masterpiece to me. But since Jesse seems to be a more rational and logical thinker, what would he think, say or how would he act around an S/O that is very sweet and lovely to him but is part of a cultistic group. Since I love the Works of H.P Lovecraft I wondered what Jesse would think about an S/O that probably believes in cruel or maddening deities like the Lovecraftian Gods. Plus points would be, when you include some sort of cultistic sacrifices so that the S/O would be a kind of killer to.

Stay healthy and out of trouble!

That’s very sweet of you to say. I try my best to picture Jesse as realistic as possible, and likewise! Have an amazing day, Anon!

Also, I always picture that Jesse is the representation of the deadliest sin of them all, Pride.

Chromeskull x Reader- Sin with me

He was all seven deadly sins, sweetheart.

Jesse was never once a very religious man, not only because his family didn't go to church or prayed, but simply because he wasn't attracted to begging a 'divine' entity for forgiveness, health, and such things. Even in his teenage years, he was more of a realist, so when he hit adulthood, he got more into logical and strategical thinking, a very good plus when you start to run your own company and have to be as manipulative as the devil.

It was quite funny that Jesse didn't believe in God, probably because he saw himself as a God, always at the top, always crushing the competition and anyone who dared to go against his authority.

Jesse still remembers his former mother-in-law and he grimaced at the image of that nosy woman, always getting her nose into his business, always coming unannounced and dictating how he should be as a husband, not to mention the fact that she was religious and had a habit when Jesse was home to make him and his wife go to the church on Sunday.

What a way to destroy a nice day of spending some quality time with his wife.

Of course, that was two or three years ago and he didn't have to stand that old hag and her voice that was giving Jesse a headache. Then he meets you, a woman who at first was very reserved, but in time showed her true colors and he could agree that your affection and warm nature grew on him.

He kind of prepared himself when the subject of beliefs and religion came up, and to say the last, he was intrigued.

It was a rainy day in Florida, Jacksonville, and Jesse had a week free from business, both the killing and the facade company. You two were in the living room, catching over some expensive alcohol and cigarettes, plus you needed a break from writing your book since you had no inspiration.

"So, you tell me the so-called piggy tried to beg for her life with offering you a blowjob?" you asked, sipping on your whiskey as Jesse smirked, shrugging and nodding.

'Are you jealous?' he signed slowly, interested in what you had to say.

"Not at all. When you're put face to face with death, all morals and principles fly out the window in favor of surviving." you explained, all calm like you were a philosopher.

At your words, Jesse leaned forward, getting more curious about what that dark and twisted mind of yours was hiding. Since your first date, he knew you had a dark sense of humor, but he never guessed it would match his own sick fantasies.

'You speak as you killed before.' Jesse joked, but your serious face told him otherwise.

"Never said I didn't." you said with a small smile, making the man before you drop his smirk and his mouth gaped in shock, trying to process what you just said.

"You're not the only one with an unorthodox hobby." you stated, pouring yourself another glass of alcohol and taking a cigarette from your pack, lightening it up.

'You never told me.'

"You never asked."

'Cheeky.' Jesse smirked, his brown eye twinkling with a sadistic sparkle.

"I think the question that you want to ask me is why, no? Why do I kill?" you said, setting your drink on the glass table in front of you.

'Definitely want to know.'

"People are ignorant and if I do hate something in this world, then there are the hypocrites." you said with venom in your voice.

'Aren't we all?"

"No. What I mean is the people who act so perfect, yet they are the most rotten on the inside. Never try to force something upon someone, yet there they are the people who believe in God and all that is pure and try to show their beliefs inside people's mind like mine that simply won't accept it." you began to explain to Jesse, who leaned his chin against his fist and perked his ears at your voice.

'So, you kill, because....' he urged you on.

"Because they are already dead on the inside. They are just walking corpses with a smile on their face and a crucifix around their necks." you finished, blowing some smoke.

'I still cannot picture you like that. You look so...fragile.' he signed with a cheeky smile.

"A regal cobra is fragile-looking too compared to a horse that is enormous, but the deadliest is what's inside." you remarked back, making Jesse give a silent laugh.

'You are just too precious, doll. Now, I'm no Christian either, but you sound like a Priestess, so forgive me if I'm gonna worship you tonight, my Goddess.' he signed as he stepped towards you, sitting on his knees in front of you, his hand rubbing your knee.

"Well, aren't you just a sweet-talker?" you asked with a raised eyebrow, your hand coming up to rub against his bald head, touches so gentle and full of love, it was so hard to believe that this tiny hands of your took lives.

'Only to you.' Jesse signed, his hand moving to take yours in his larger one, kissing your knuckles, pulling your lips into a prideful smirk.

"You know...I think of all deadliest sins, you represent Pride the best." you spoke, making Jesse smirk smugly against your skin.

'What makes you say that, doll?' he asked, brown eye looking at you with curiosity.

"You see yourself as a God; always puffing your chest and walking like you own the world, bragging how you are the smartest, the master in playing a chess game, figuratively speaking." you answered him, making him grin.

'And you? Little sinner, what deadly sin are you?' he signed, then his hands were moving up and down your thighs.

"Greed. Nothing is enough for me and I want to own everything, even you." you said, stroking his scarred cheek, making Jesse chuckle silently.

'Well then, my greedy little bitch. I'm going to show you what the true sin of lust feels like.' he signed, picking you up into his arms, walking with you towards the dining table, setting you down on it.

"Leaving wrath for the hypocrites and piggies?" you asked with an arched eyebrow, hands running up and down under his turtleneck, his black dress jacket long forgotten on the marble floors.

Jesse grinned darkly at you, smashing his lips onto yours in a breath-taking kiss, devouring you, then pulled away, resting his forehead on yours.

'Oh, if only you would have told me sooner. The things I would have done to you.' he signed with shaky hands, feeling his restrain start to crack.

"Oh? Please indulge me, my Devil." you murmured, your lips brushing against his neck.

'Why tell, when I can show?' he signed, then his hands disappearing under your dress, playing with the edges of your stockings.

"I correct myself. You are definitely Lust." you whispered into his ear, his chest vibrating into a sinful growl, his hands leaving your skin to sign.

'I do prefer to stick with Pride, doll.'

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littlenerdgirl16 · 4 years ago

Text

Confusing Times (Part 2)

Here’s to Part 2! Hope y’all like this little series :)

Warnings: fluff, angst, implied slight smut

Word count: 1798

------------------------------------------

Previously: I stuttered out a few words but nothing coherent. Looking down, I tried again to say what was feeling for him. He placed his hand under my chin, guiding me to look at him, “Are you ok Y/N ? What’s going on?”

I started to open my mouth, but my hands got shaky and I couldn’t come up with anything. He just waited for me to say what was on my mind. A minute passed and I finally said what I had in mind.

“I-I’m in love... with you.”

He stared at me for a second, replaying what I had just said to him. He eventually nodded his head and gave me a big hug. For about 5 minutes, I was trying to comprehend what I had just confessed to my best friend.

Feeling his warm aura around me, I could’ve stood there all night and feel like it wasn’t enough time with him. That’s when I really knew how deep I was. I eventually untangled myself and asked, “So...what are your thoughts.”

He thought for a second, “I don’t see you any differently. I still want to talk to you and laugh with you. You are the closest friend I have and I wouldn’t want it any other way.” Content with the answer, we continued our hour-long walk before heading back to the compound.

Because of his reaction, I decided that I couldn’t say I love you to him. That isn’t fair to him. He wasn’t in love with me and I knew that. I decided to say things like “Have fun!’ or “Be safe”. That became my way of telling him “I love you” without him knowing. That went on for months. Unfortunately, we drifted apart due to his obnoxious, new girlfriend.

He had found someone to love and it wasn’t me. Watching him with this girl wasn't so bad after I changed the way I looked at her. Instead of seeing an evil witch, I tried to see what Bucky saw in her. Eventually, I tolerated her presence in the compound. I spent a lot of time on my college work and helping out Steve, my dad, with random things around the place. I hung out with Wanda a little bit and kind of got to know Clint.

Over the Christmas holiday, we reconnected and I had the time of my life! He broke up with the girl and I got to talk to my best friend again. He explained how much he missed me and wanted to hang out with me. We spent every waking hour with each other since he came back to me.

When the day was over we made a habit of finding each other to talk about our days and plans for the next. I walked into his room, hoping he’d be there. Luckily, he was! He ran over to me, picked me up, and swung me around. We laughed and talked the entire time we were together.

Sometimes I would stay the night in his room because neither of us wanted to leave the other. I would stay and we would cuddle all night. One night, we were cuddling like we normally do till I had fallen asleep in his strong arms. Way into the night, I scared myself awake due to a nightmare. Unfortunately, my constant twitching had kept Bucky awake.

“Hey! Hey! Y/N wake up.” Bucky held my arms down and calmly talked to me. “Doll. Wake up. Listen to my voice. I need you to come back to me.”

I settled down and my eyes snapped open. I looked at him as he hovered over me, noticing him, pinning my arms down. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” I choked out, trying to suppress my tears. Bucky let go of my arms, “I get nightmares too.”

He snuggled closer to me, burying his nose in the crook of my neck. I was confused, “You do? How come I’ve never heard you?” He looks down as he replies. “When I’m not with you, I sleep downstairs. I don’t like to wake anyone up.” I nodded and smiled. “Thanks for telling me.”

I positioned myself on his chest with my head above his heart. He smiled and squeezed me tight. “Don’t feel bad for having them.” He whispers. “I’m here for you.”

He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose and trialed down to my cheek. Blood rushed into my cheeks as he kissed them.

“Y/N?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Oh, how I have waited so long for that question.

I raised my head, nodded and he raised his head to kiss me. That was one of the best kisses I have ever had. It wasn’t hungry, or needy. He was sweet and attentive towards me. I kissed him again and he hummed a little. We looked at each other for a minute, trying to comprehend what happened. As I looked at him I realized I could stare at his bright, crystal clear blue eyes forever. I could see us being happy in the long run.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t stare at his eyes any longer. Sleep was winning the battle I desperately wanted to avoid “I think we should sleep. We have work and school tomorrow.” I laid my head back on his chest, listening to his breathing. “Unfortunately.” He sighed.

I fell asleep soon after, dreaming of our kiss and how wonderfully our friendship is going. I wasn’t entirely sure if we were dating or not but that was a question for later. Now, I’m going to enjoy every second with him.

Feeling like Bucky ’s girl was the happiest I’ve ever been. The next week, I found Bucky in the main room on the couch reading a book. I sauntered over to him and plopped on the spot next to him. “Hey, Bucky . I-I was just wondering if th-the kisses meant something.” I fiddled with my hands waiting for his answer. He looked at me with love as he pondered my questions.

The longer he took to answer, the more I realized his love for me was platonic. I looked at him still waiting for his answer but it came too late. The affirmation that I was craving from him didn’t come. “Y/N …”

I concluded that I was just someone to kiss and love on; never his top priority. I looked away and nodded. I got up, turned around, and went to find my dad, leaving Bucky alone with his book.

I knocked on Steve’s door. “Come in!” He shouted from his bathroom. I walked in and closed the door behind me. Flopping on his bed, Steve poked his head around the corner seeing his daughter face down. “Are you ok?”

No response. “Peanut?” Worry laced his voice. He walked over and sat on the bed next to me, rubbing my back. “What happened?”

I lifted my head to face my dad. “I realized that I was in love with Bucky but he didn’t like me that way.” I started to feel the tears build up and face planted back on the bed, letting them go. Steve heard me sob but didn’t say anything. Like a good father, he grabbed me, pulled me into his chest, and just sat there. After a few minutes went by, he kissed my forehead and whispered,

“Do you want me to listen or give advice?”

“Advice, please,” I whispered. Steve nodded and looked up. “Ok, here’s some advice. I think you should learn to be ok with what happened, find a new hobby and ask someone on a date. You don’t have to do it all at once, but when you feel ready, go step by step, ok?”

Everything he said was right and it sounded logical to me so I agreed, “Ok, Dad. Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too, peanut.”

I smiled at Steve as I got up to leave his room. I went up to my room wanting to be alone for a few minutes. Being there, I was able to be by myself with little to no interruptions. I say little interruptions because the one person I didn’t want to see, was my best friend. The one person who would stop by every night before bed, or when he thought I would need someone to talk to.

I did the same with him, but I intended to chat about our days, not make out like Bucky likes to do. It’s not that he doesn’t want to chat, he’s just not super good at it. He prefers kissing and touching each other. For some reason, I still let him do those things with me. Even though it hurts, it was a way that I could spend some time with him. No other distractions.

It was a few days before I was able to be ok with leaving my room. Nat would come by and Steve would stop by to see if I needed anything. It was nice to have them check up on me. The only problem I had was that I wanted so badly to see Bucky come in and tell me he was wrong and that he truly loved me. That he wanted to be mine.

I tried distracting myself by coloring, or learning the guitar but all I could do was think about how stupid I was for loving someone I had no chance with. Anytime I was with Bucky , I longed for his touch. I was safe in his arms. When we would stay the night with each other, I couldn’t help but think about how loved he made me feel. His touch made me feel safe, his voice was soothing; almost melodic.

It hurt emotionally anytime he got close to me after the incident in the main room. My body would have a physical reaction when I would even think about his loving touch. I wanted to crawl away and disappear. I wanted to stop feeling. There was one solution that I came up with and that was my very own music.

I got up to go find the piano in the music room on the main floor and composed a new song. It was about 11 p.m. when I snuck out. I wanted to be out of my room before Bucky tried to come over.

As I approached the grand piano, I remembered the first song I learned. Thanks to Steve, I was able to read notes and find them on the keys. From there, I took off on my own. Being able to play and compose was one of my few passions. I was able to escape the harsh reality and create my world. I sat down, pulled open the cover, and pressed the ivory keys to create a new melody. The chords that I played sounded full but inside, it was an empty melody. There was never enough sound to fill in the room and get rid of the emotions I was feeling.

---Bucky’ POV---

Dear journal,

#Lindsay's Masterlist :)#bucky #bucky x reader #dad!steve rogers

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tiramisiyu · 3 years ago

Text

Tears of Themis: Lu Jinghe’s Birthday - NPC Interviews Part 2

Translation Masterlist

Event Story: 6.13 Decision to Compete | 6.15 Personal Instruction | 6.17 Building Block Dolls | 6.19 Participating in the Competition | 6.21 Birthday Celebration

Event Story Interviews: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

Interview 6 – Short-haired Girl

MC: Hello, are you a participant in the building blocks competition? I would like to interview the participants of the building blocks competition, and contacted you regarding this previously.

Short-haired Girl: Mhmm, I know. Here, I just bought this milk tea.

MC: Ah… thank you!

START QUESTIONING

⊳ Reason for competing

MC: May I ask, why are you participating in this building blocks competition?

Short-haired Girl: Because I really like building blocks – I started playing them since I was very young, so it’s been around… 10 years.

MC: It looks like you really love building blocks.

Short-haired Girl: Yes, the process of manipulating building blocks lets me really sink my heart into it and focus on doing one thing. I like this feeling.

⊳ Competition Theme

MC: Do you have any thoughts regarding the theme of this competition, “A Reconstruction of World-Famous Artworks”?

Short-haired Girl: Giving new life to famous artworks using building blocks – I feel like this theme is very meaningful.

⊳ World-Famous Artworks

MC: What do you know of world-famous artworks?

Short-haired Girl: I like Renoir’s works a lot, especially his “Little Irène”. The golden-haired girl in a shawl, sitting on the grass, fresh and dreamy, with a slight melancholy. A work that’s befitting of a master of Impressionism.

MC: Looks like you know a lot about art appreciation.

⊳ Profession

MC: At this point, I feel like you have a deep understanding of painting arts. May I ask what your profession is? Is it a uniform you’re wearing – are you a student in the arts?

Short-haired Girl: Nope, I’ve already long graduated. Right now, I’m a comic artist. As for what I’m wearing… hahaha, since I draw school manhua, it’s easier for me to find inspiration in uniform.

MC: School manhua?

Short-haired Girl: Mhmm. It’s a story about an isekai magical girl who’s learning at school.

⊳ “Z”

MC: Do you know of “Z”?

Short-haired Girl: I do. It’s that well-known artist, right? I like his works a lot. Rembrandt’s an art master who’s incredibly hard to imitate, but Z did it. In Z’s pieces, he’s always able to use the contrast of light and shadow to the extreme.

⊳ Things she wants to say to “Z”

MC: Is there anything you want to say to “Z”?

Short-haired Girl: I like Z a lot, although his new works recently have been very few. I hope he can put out new works soon – I’m really looking forward to admiring them!

END QUESTIONING

MC: That ends today’s interview. Thank you for your cooperation.

Short-haired Girl: No problem. I’m heading back to continue drawing – it’s almost deadline day, and I haven’t finished the draft this month.

MC: Do your best! Thank you for the milk tea.

Interview 7 – Injured Man

MC: Ah… is this person’s hand injured?

START INSPECTION

⊳ Arm

MC: (It’s plastered – looks like it’s very serious.)

⊳ Face

MC: (He seems like a person with a bit of a temper.)

MC: (Although, since he’s also a participant in the building blocks competition, I should hurry and interview him.)

END INSPECTION

MC: H-hello! Are you a participant in the building blocks competition? I contacted you regarding this previously about interviewing participants of the building blocks competition. Is this a convenient time for you?

Injured Man: Oh, the one who called me was you. Go ahead and start.

START QUESTIONING

⊳ Reason for competing

MC: May I ask, why are you participating in this building blocks competition?

Injured Man: No special reason – I just like them.

MC: It seems like your hand… is injured.

Injured Man: Oh, this? I accidentally fell a few days ago.

MC: If you’re injured, can you…

Injured Man: You’re doubting my ability?

MC: I-I wouldn’t dare.

⊳ Competition Theme

MC: Do you have any thoughts regarding the theme of this competition, “A Reconstruction of World-Famous Artworks”?

Injured Man: I like this theme a lot. It’s a new challenge to me. Don’t take my injured hand for anything – I’m a veteran in the building blocks world and I’ve gotten lots of awards.

MC: That’s impressive. I hope you’ll be able to win this time too.

Injured Man: That’s for sure.

⊳ World-Famous Artworks

MC: What do you know about world-famous artworks?

Injured Man: Artworks… I haven’t paid attention to those in a while. Although, I’ve got a deep impression of da Vinci’s “The Last Supper”. I saw it in the history books during high school and have remembered it up until now.

MC: (Speaking of which, I’ve also got a deep impression of this piece.)

⊳ “Z”

MC: Do you know of “Z”?

Injured Man: What’s that? Is it a new set of building blocks on sale?

MC: N-no, “Z” is a famous artist.

Injured Man: Artist? Oh, I remember now – you’re talking about that evaluator that got specially invited. With him as an evaluator, it really does suit this competition theme.

⊳ Things he wants to say to “Z”

MC: If you had the chance to speak with “Z”, what would you say to him?

Injured Man: Hm… I’m looking forward to the day of the competition, for the collision of the building blocks and painting art worlds. With his evaluations, they might bring me new inspiration for my creations.

END QUESTIONING

MC: Alright, that ends today’s interview. Thank you for your cooperation.

Injured Man: No problem. You can also find me if there’s an interview next time.

MC: S-sure.

Interview 8 – Xue Xinran

MC: Xue Xinran, what a coincidence. I never would’ve thought that you’d also participate in the building blocks competition.

Xue Xinran: Lawyer MC, when you contacted me, I was super surprised.

MC: I wanted to do some interviews with the participants of the building blocks competition – let’s start.

START QUESTIONING

⊳ Reason for competing

MC: why are you participating in this building blocks competition?

Xue Xinran: I’ve been working with building blocks for the past bit of time. I thought they were really interesting and wanted to use the competition to train myself.

⊳ Competition Theme

MC: Do you have any thoughts regarding the theme of this competition, “A Reconstruction of World-Famous Artworks”?

Xue Xinran: I’m really interested in this theme, and specifically borrowed lots of famous artwork books from the library to study from.

⊳ World-Famous Artworks

MC: What do you know of world-famous artworks?

Xue Xinran: I’ve read a lot of books on the “Mona Lisa”, so I’ve got a deep impression on this painting. There are many guesses on who the Mona Lisa depicts – some think that she was the artist’s lover, others think that she came from the artist’s imagination. I hope to see that mysterious smile personally one day.

⊳ Recent Circumstances

MC: It’s been a long time since we last saw each other. Is Grandpa Fang’s health doing alright?

Xue Xinran: Thank you for your concern. Grandpa Fang’s health is much better. When he saw me playing with building blocks last time, he said that he also wanted to try.

⊳ “Z”

MC: Do you know of “Z”?

Xue Xinran: I do. It’s that well-known artist, right – I heard that he was specially invited as the evaluator for this competition. I like his artworks a lot. It gives one a unique energy.

⊳ Things she wants to say to “Z”

MC: If you had the chance to speak with “Z”, what would you say?

Xue Xinran: Hm… I heard that he hasn’t appeared under the public eye for a long while. Some say that he’s encountered issues, others say that he might be retiring from the job. But I hope that “Z” can persist to draw. No matter what, he has us fans behind him.

END QUESTIONING

MC: Thank you, that ends today’s interview.

Xue Xinran: No problem. Then I’ll continue practicing with the building blocks.

Interview 9 – Courier

MC: (Ah… the next interviewee is a courier?)

MC: Hello! I would like to interview the participants of the building blocks competition. I contacted you regarding this previously. Is this a convenient time for you?

Courier: It is – I’ve finished my work for today and was just planning to get off work. Let’s start.

START QUESTIONING

⊳ Reason for competing

MC: May I ask, why are you participating in this building blocks competition?

Courier: Because building blocks are one of my hobbies. When I have time, I’ll play around with building blocks. Although, it is my first time competing.

⊳ Competition Theme

MC: Do you have any thoughts regarding the theme of this competition, “A Reconstruction of World-Famous Artworks”?

Courier: So it was this theme. Sorry, my work’s too busy, so I haven’t had the time to focus on it.

⊳ Profession

MC: Mister courier, you must have it hard typically, right?

Courier: A little. Although, Pax just came out with a new version of robots that can help us sort packages, which has greatly increased work productivity. Everyone is very grateful to Pax.

⊳ “Z”

MC: Do you know of “Z”?

Courier: I do. My girlfriend likes him a lot and says that he’s the most amazing genius artist. She’s been rambling about this to me for a long while – I’m even a little jealous.

⊳ Things he wants to say to “Z”

MC: If you had the chance to speak with “Z”, what would you say?

Courier: Hm… it’s actually almost my girlfriend’s birthday. If possible, I hope that “Z” can say happy birthday to her. It would be even better if there were an autograph – she’d definitely be very happy.

MC: You two have a great relationship.

END QUESTIONING

MC: That ends today’s interview, thank you for your cooperation. Happy birthday to your girlfriend in advance.

Courier: Thank you!

Interview 10 – Luo Yuhao

MC: Lawyer Luo Yuhao? You’re also a participant in the building blocks competition?

Luo Yuhao: So the one who called me was you, little lawyer sister from Themis.

MC: Yes, it’s me. I wanted to interview the participants of the building blocks competition…

Luo Yuhao: Then let’s start. My time is precious, after all.

START QUESTIONING

⊳ Reason for competing

MC: Why are you participating in this building blocks competition?

Luo Yuhao: Life’s too dull, so I often must find some interesting things to improve it. This building blocks competition is sufficiently interesting, is it not?

MC: I-it sure is.

⊳ Competition Theme

MC: Do you have any thoughts regarding the theme of this competition, “A Reconstruction of World-Famous Artworks”?

Luo Yuhao: No matter what the theme is, I will strive for my best. Little sister, your questions are much too simple.

MC: (… Each time I speak with Lawyer Luo, her speaking pressure is always massive.)

⊳ World-Famous Artworks

MC: What do you know of world-famous artworks?

Luo Yuhao: I am more concerned with the prices of artworks than the artworks themselves. I once dealt with an inheritance case where the client’s father had multiple famous paintings under his name, but they were stolen and replaced for fakes by the nurse over several years. The nurse refused to admit to the thievery, so the client could only look for me to be their representing lawyer. Though this case was troublesome, the payment was generous, probably an amount that a small-time lawyer like you wouldn’t be able to earn over several lifetimes.

MC: I-is that so…

Luo Yuhao: How about it, do you want to come work at Baldr, little sister? Next time I run into a case like this, I can let you be my assistant.

MC: No need…

⊳ “Z”

MC: Do you know of “Z”?

Luo Yuhao: That artist? I’ve heard of him. I believe his painting last time broke the auction house’s sale price records. I have a major client that admires him quite a lot. It’s a pity that Z’s art is too difficult to get – they’re not things that people can get just from having money.

⊳ Things she wants to say to “Z”

MC: If you had the chance to speak with “Z”, what would you say?

Luo Yuhao: There’s nothing I want to say for now, although… if I had the chance, I do want to get the chance to know him. I’ve always been very interested in men who can maintain their mystery.

END QUESTIONING

MC: That ends today’s interview, thank you for your cooperation.

Luo Yuhao: No problem. I’ll head back to the law firm, then.

MC: Okay. Goodbye, Lawyer Luo.

#Tears of Themis #tears of themis translations #lu jinghe #tot translation

3 notes · View notes

sarahwroteathing · 5 years ago

Text

Just One Kiss (13)

Word Count: 4070

Summary: You fulfill your promise to write to Bucky while he is away.

Warnings: Um? Excessive letter writing?

A/N: And once again, you’ll suffer, but you’ll be at least marginally happy about it. Godspeed.

Catch up here!

Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes,

You wanted me to be mean, and I’ll do my very best. Not for you or because you told me to, of course. I just naturally feel the urge to wipe that absurdly charming smile off your face. Now, I don’t want you writing back crying to me about this, you hear me? This is what you asked for. As if I was going to be sending you love letters otherwise. Don’t go making jokes about the scented paper, alright? I spilled my perfume on it by accident and for no romantic reason. So, there.

And I know I enclosed a photograph, which is the sort of thing all the gals are sending to their fellas overseas, but I’m only slipping it in here because Betty insisted. She just got a camera from her Aunt Edna, and she wants to show off her new hobby to as many people as possible. I’m only in it because Betty wanted to see how the material on my new dress would photograph. So quit your smiling; it has nothing to do with you. You’re more than welcome to toss it out or send it back.

I don’t suppose you’ll much care to hear about the sort of things I get up to these days, not with all the excitement in your life right now, but somebody has got to keep you tethered to home so you don’t go running off with a USO girl. So I might as well let you know I bought some new curtains for the apartment today. They’re a lovely shade of blue. Betty reckons they match your eyes exactly, got real cheeky with me about it and insisted that’s the reason I bought them. Silly, right? I’ll admit I did instantly think of you when I saw them, but it wasn’t because they’re the same shade as your eyes. And it’s certainly not what you’re thinking of either.

Rather, looking at curtains reminded me of when you helped me hang the ones in my room and nearly lost your foot thanks to that silly loose floorboard Louise used to hide her love letters under. Anyway, you’ll have to come home and prove to Betty once and for all that these curtains don’t match your eyes in the slightest while you hang them for me. As far as I’m concerned, hanging curtains is very much your job, so this new set will be waiting folded over the back of your favorite chair when you get back.

Anyway, be careful out there, would ya? Betty and I have chores waiting for you, and we don’t like to be stood up.

I definitely don't miss you a bit,

Y/N

------------------------------------

My Gal Back Home,

Even when you’re fussing at me you drive me crazy. I can’t even imagine what it would be like if you actually had any kind of feelings for me. I’d be in danger of getting up and swimming home to you. I appreciate that moment of clumsiness that made you spill your perfume on the paper. Lucky for me it doesn’t smell half so nice on paper as it does on you or I’d take to sleeping with your letter pressed to my nose. Then again I suppose I might be biased because if I’m close enough to catch a hint of your perfume, I’m exactly where I want to be.

Thank Lady Liza for the lovely picture, won’t you? The dress did photograph real nice, but to be honest I was a bit distracted by the model. If she wants the dress to be the focus, maybe she should try it out on someone who won’t steal the show. For her own artistic collection, of course. I don’t care to see it on anyone else. And I’ll keep on smiling, thank you very much. I’ll smile every time I look at it, and there’s nothing you can do about it unless you’d like to come on over here and really give me something to smile about. And I’m not tossing the picture. I’m keeping it in an inside pocket, close to my heart where you belong.

Doll, I want to hear everything you want to tell me. Don’t leave anything out. I don’t mind if you want to keep me tethered, but you’ve got nothing to worry about. Yours is the only skirt I’d willingly chase. (That was supposed to be charming. Give me a giggle for it, at least?)

Blue curtains, huh? I don’t know that you should be shrugging off Betty’s suggestions. She does double as a psychic after all. She knows a thing or two. Kind of you to save a chore for me to come back to. Nothing like the promise of manual labor to bring a fella running home. But you know, I think you’ve been taking advantage of me. Most people get paid for fixing things up. What are you planning on giving me for my trouble? Don’t worry, I won’t charge much. I’ll take a kiss and not a penny more. Sound like a deal?

Oh, and I don’t miss you either. I’m glad you mentioned that. I was worried you might get a little lonely or a bit nervous walking home without me. It’s good to know you don’t miss me, but do me a favor and at least find someone to walk home with? I know you’re capable of handling things for yourself if the occasion calls for it, but I’d rather you didn’t have to. Not that I’ve been thinking about you. I haven’t. Not at all.

When I’m trying to fall asleep, I don’t think about the slow walks home with your smiles and playful shoves. I don’t think about walking down your street on my way home on your nights off and seeing the warm, safe light from your window. I don’t think about how my family doted on you at Christmas or the way you looked at me when I handed you that first letter. And I definitely, definitely don’t think about the times you let me hold you. Because I just don’t miss you at all. And if I did, thinking about those things would only make it worse.

All the best,

Bucky

-------------------------------------

James Buchanan,

Now I don’t know who you think you are sending me notes like that. What exactly are you trying to do, huh? I’ve had to hide it away beneath the floorboard in my room. Not because I treasure it in any sort of way, to be clear. It was so horrible it put all sorts of fluttery feelings in my stomach, and I had to hide it away because even looking at it had my nerves acting up. Don’t get smug about it, you hear? These reactions weren’t in the least bit emotional. I really and truly believe that letter was making me ill. To write such sentimental things! You could give a girl all sorts of ideas talking like that. I hope you’re not sending any of your other “gals back home” notes like that or you’ll come home to half a dozen fiancées.

Really, Bucky, you shouldn’t be writing to me like this. How am I supposed to stay mean and tough like I promised you if you’re going to go and lay on the charm strong enough to make even the paper blush? It really is unfair. If you’re allowed to spout sweet nothings, then you couldn’t complain if I were to write something like… I think of you always (just as an example, you understand) and I already dream about the day you’ll come home to me and run straight into my arms and… well, you get my point, don’t you? So cut the sweet talk, Sergeant, or we’ll have a real problem on our hands.

Oh, Lord have mercy. There’s that charm again. Bucky, you don’t have to chase skirts if the skirts are chasing you. (Maybe I did giggle, and maybe I didn’t. You’ve certainly got no proof either way.) Don’t you encourage this psychic nonsense of hers. You know she’s only faking. She doesn’t know a thing. Besides, there are plenty of blue eyed people out there in the world.

Who’s to say that even if I did buy them to match someone’s eyes that someone would be you? Maybe they match Louise’s eyes? I am very fond of her, after all, and this is her old room. She has a right to be represented in a place she lived for so long with so many happy memories, doesn’t she? So what if the curtains are a bit off of her shade and are much closer to yours? A coincidence and nothing more. Don’t go feeling special.

As for waiting for you to hang them, who else could I ask? And anyway, I thought asking a man to come in and hang the curtains might be a bit too close to a date, and we know I can’t go on any of those. I seem to remember promising myself to some cheeky flirt. Can’t for the life of me remember who, though. For, you see, I don’t think of him at all. In any case, I’m certainly not kissing you, James Buchanan. At least, not until you come back and face me like a man about it.

I’m glad you don’t miss me either. That might have been a horribly awkward situation. Oh, no, I prefer to walk without any sort of protective arm around me or goofy smiles. And I can’t tolerate a man pouting for a kiss at the doorstep as if I don’t want to give him one. Yes, I’m much better off walking with a waitress who doubles as a psychic and does impressions of you to make me laugh. And you know she would never let anything happen to me.

She smacked someone with a rolled up newspaper just the other day for bothering me at work. Told him even if that kind of behavior was acceptable, I’ve got a fella overseas who’d give him much worse than a newspaper if he found out. Don’t know who she could have been talking about. Ask around, would you? I know it can’t be you because I believe you when you say you’re not thinking of me. I don’t think of you either.

Do you want to know my favorite things to not think about? Our first dance. Do you remember it? After you helped me move in, and you were so tired you were barely moving your feet. That had to be the reason you weren’t moving, right? I can’t think of any other. Or remember after you got in that awful fight and you were so distracted you told me I was yours, if not officially then in every way that mattered? I like to not think about that.

And of course I never think of the way you cared for me when I was sick, and I never go back to the gazebo to trace over our initials. And I don’t think about how soft your hair is or how sweet you look when you’re tired. Or the way you were holding me before you left almost like you never wanted to let go. Anyone looking might have thought… Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter. We know the truth, don’t we? I’m just writing to pass the time.

With no trace of affection and definitely NOT your girl,

Y/N

-----------------

Definitely My Girl,

You sure tried to bury that fella from the diner in a whole lot of teasing, but you’re not getting out of this conversation, doll. What’s the story there? What does “bothering” mean, huh? Talking smooth? He better not have said anything nasty to you. If he so much as laid a hand on you, well, I know what my plans will be if I ever get leave. Could you find his name and address for me? Think I’ll send him a little hello letter. Introduce myself.

But you give that Lady Liza a big ole kiss for me, you hear me? (Don’t go gettin’ jealous now - on the hand or cheek would suit the situation just fine.) I’m putting another letter in this envelope for her, so make sure she gets it, please. And no peeking!

Anyway, I’m not sorry I made you flustered. I only wish I could have seen it. I could always say more. I could fill pages and pages with the way I feel about you, babydoll. And I’m glad you’re finally getting some use out of Louise’s death trap. I promise I’ll keep writing to you, and maybe if this war goes on long enough, it’ll get so full that the floorboard won’t shift beneath your feet anymore. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Now that I’m not around to catch you.

I know we’ve been avoiding talking about it, but… I think we should. I didn’t want to say anything, but just in case. I’ve got a bad feeling about tomorrow… I know more than likely it’s nothing. It’s not like I should feel any other way about what we’re here to do. But just in case...

What I want to say is that I do miss you. Every second of every day I miss you. I miss that beautiful smile, even when it came at the price of a joke at my expense or pretending to stumble on the sidewalk so you’d grab my arm. I miss your eyes - how they sparkled sometimes when you clearly didn’t want them to, how they got all shiny with big happy tears even when you tried to hide them, how I knew exactly when you were going to be Trouble because of that secret little glint. And I miss your hands. The way they felt folded up with mine, or resting on my shoulder, or holding onto my arm, or holding my face so sweet and nice and running through my hair, or best of all carrying those secret little kisses from you to me.

I miss you, and you can make fun of me all you like for it, and I’ll laugh with you. But I need to make sure you know.

And I’m sure you’re being honest and it’s not at all tough for you, but if it ever is, or if you feel it in your heart to do this for me, drop in on Ma and Rebecca. Get Betty to keep doing those impressions of me - I’m sure they probably suit you better than the real thing. And I know we said no other dates, and I’ll keep to that without any trouble, but if you’ve got a chance at something better, you take it. You got it? And keep an eye of Steve. That punk is always getting himself in trouble.

I wish I had time to write more, but we’ve got to move. I’ll write every time I have a chance. Don’t give up on me, yeah? I’m coming home for that kiss.

Your Bucky

--------------

Dear Lady Liza, Madame of Fortune,

Listen, Betty, I can’t thank you enough for looking out for our girl while I’m gone. I knew I could count on you for that, but it was still nice to hear about it. I need you to promise me you’ll always be there for her. This is the first time I’ve ever dared to write it, but if I don’t come back… Please, God, tell me that you’ll help her. I don’t flatter myself to think I’m anything special, but she’s got such a big heart, and I have a feeling that if anything happens to me, it’ll hit her real hard. Just watch over her for me, as much as you can. Help her move on if the time comes. More than anything else, she deserves to be happy, even if it’s not with me. But, you know… sweet talk fate and fortune for me, Lady Liza. Because I sure would love to come home and marry that girl.

Best,

Bucky

----------------

James,

You’re scaring me, talking like that.

You told me before you left to keep you in line, remember? So that’s what I’m going to do. So chin up, eyes forward, shoulders back. You’re going to be just fine. You know how I know? Because I haven’t had my first kiss yet.

Didn’t you once tell me back in school that it was a crime for a beautiful dame like me to be deprived of a lovely thing like kissing? Well, if that was the case all those years ago, at this point it must surely have been promoted from a crime to a tragedy. It’s a wrong that all the other fellas I know are woefully underqualified to set right. I’m afraid my first kiss will have to be your responsibility, and yours alone. I know it’s a heavy burden for you to carry, but I have a funny feeling you’ll rise to the challenge just fine. It’s you, or no one at all.

As for that fella at the diner, Betty sent him running all on her own. I don’t think he needs any threatening letters. (I don’t believe for a second you’d be sending a friendly greeting letter, and anyway I think I would be very jealous if you wasted paper on writing to anyone besides your family, Steve, and I.)

What’s this talk about finding something better? Since when has James Buchanan Barnes believed there was anyone better for me than him? Why, the James Buchanan that left me at the dock would have been grumpy and sulking for weeks if I had ever dared to say such a thing. The ten year old James Buchanan would kick you right in the shin for that. I’ll put your attitude down to exhaustion or maybe drunkenness. There can be no other explanation.

I do go see your mother and sister as often as I can. We usually have dinner together once a week. I’ve been teaching Rebecca how to do her own hair in different styles and giving her what advice I can on various things I’m absolutely not allowed to tell you, so don’t you dare ask. Your mother has been teaching me some of your Secret family recipes. (So there, Sergeant Barnes, you’re not the only one who gets access to classified information - take that)

As for Steve… He asked me not to tell you because he thought you might be worried for him when you should be focused on yourself, but he finally found a doctor who cleared him for enlistment. Now, I know it’s frightening, and it chills me to the bone, but if you could have seen how happy he was… And you have to believe they’ll select him for something they know he can do. They won’t throw away a life when we’ve already lost so many. Steve will be okay. He’ll push through, just like always.

Be careful with all this flattery, James Buchanan. If you’re not careful I might just try my luck with the USO so I can chase after you and keep you all to myself. If you’re planning on using those lines on anyone else, remember to invite Betty and me to the wedding, huh? Because that’s surely too much charm for any woman to withstand.

Good thing I know you don’t mean it when you say it to me because we talked about it and agreed on absolutely no love letters, didn’t we? And we wouldn’t go back on our promises for anything, certainly not for something like a bad feeling. Because you’re going to be fine, and everything is going to turn out alright, and you’re going to come home, and I’m going to plant a big, stupid kiss on that big, stupid pout of yours. Got it?

And I will never ever, ever give up on you.

Begrudgingly Your Girl,

Y/N

-----------------------

Bucky,

I see why you’re not answering. I gave in too easily, silly me! After all these years of teasing and refusing, I lost my touch all over a bit of worry and a bit of flattery. I promise it won’t happen again. I’m not in the least bit concerned for you because I know that you’re just fine. Absolutely fine. I’m not worried a bit. I mean it.

Which reminds me, we somehow need to be both much more and much less worried for Steve… He’s… Well, I’m not sure how much I should say. I’m sure he told me much more than he was supposed to, and I don’t know if it’s the sort of thing you should trust to a letter. Let’s say he’s involved in bond sales now and seems to be much healthier these days. I’m still keeping an eye on him like you asked, but it’s much more difficult now. He was in town for a little while, but now he’s gone again. He still writes when he can.

And may I say, you should improve your letter-writing. He answers every single one of my letters. And sends me pretty pictures too. So you’d better hurry up and answer and beg my apologies and favor or else I might just run off with Steve and his superior letter writing abilities.

Rebecca is spending the night with Betty and I tonight. Apparently she never got an answer from you for her last letter either, and she’s feeling a bit gloomy. But Lady Liza, Madame of Fortune will set her straight. At this point, she’s a trained professional in cheering up sulking sighers. Not me, you understand. I don’t sulk or sigh, and certainly not over you.

I’m excited to have her here. Maybe she can help me put the curtain issue to rest at last, since she shares that special Barnes shade of blue eyes. I’m telling you, they won’t match. And after that, we will sip milkshakes and talk about fellas. Do I have you intrigued yet? I’m almost certainly not allowed to share any information with you, but I may be persuaded by a well-written and timely answer…

Your Girl,

Y/N

--------------

Please, Bucky,

Please say something, anything at all. One sentence, one word even. A single scrap of paper with just your name in your handwriting. They’ve returned my last two letters, but I’ll keep sending them back. There must be some sort of mistake. There has to be. The postal service really is losing its touch because they sent your mother a terrible letter today. About how you’re gone and they don’t expect you’ll ever come back. She called as soon as she opened it, and I think I’m staying here for tonight. They’ve just about broken her spirit, and I won’t stand by and let them.

She went back to her room a few hours ago, and your father is with her now. I can’t bear to leave Rebecca. She’s tired herself out now and is asleep on my lap, but the thought of her waking up alone and remembering… I can’t let that happen.

It’s a terrible, cruel mistake, but I don’t want you to worry. I’ll take care of your family until it’s sorted out. And it will be. Because you’re not gone. I would know if you were gone. I would have felt it. I know I would have.

That little ten year old boy who doused me in hot chocolate one minute only to give me his birthday present and ask for a kiss the very next? He doesn’t just slip through the cracks. The swaggering adolescent who used to notice when I was struggling in class and tip off our mutual friend since he knew I wouldn’t accept his help? (Didn’t know I knew about that, did you?) He doesn’t just disappear.

The man that dragged himself bone-tired and world-weary to a scrappy little diner every night to walk me home before turning and going all the way back across town to his own apartment after a full day of work? Nothing could take him away from me. Nothing. You, who are so full of deep and genuine feeling and parade around on sunshine and smiles could never ever be gone. Not without taking me with you.

So please say something. Please, Bucky, you promised.

You promised me.

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Oh boy. How are we feeling? What are we thinking? Letters are my personal weakness come scream about it with me!

Chapter 14

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Tags: @aubzylynn @shifutheshihtzu @internalbullshit @lilasiannerd @kennadance14 @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @iwillbeinmynest @wiintershero @scotlandasshole @netflixa @hardcorehippos @singingprincessstudent @sophiealiice @blue1928 @tinuviel015 @jacks-on-krack @a-book-pressed-rose @fvckjamesbarnes @bbparker @battlebunnyteardropsinthesun @feelmyroarrrr @breezy1415 @notimetoblog @cherrynat @multifandomgirl-us @teenybucks @angryteapot @nomadicpixel @raven-ur-mum @notimetoblog @vintagepigeon @withahintofpestoaioli @kindaace @sadanddeadsoul @thinkwritexpress-official @promarvelfangirl @orangespocks @multifandomgirl-us @majesticavenger @creideamhgradochas @buckybarneshairpullingkink

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes series #40s bucky #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes angst

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lia-jones · 4 years ago

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Growing Pains - Chapter Twenty Five - The Ghosts of the Past

“You should move in with me.” Victor stated casually, while sipping his morning coffee.

I almost choked on my toast.

“W-what?” I stuttered. Where was this coming from, all of a sudden?

“Haven’t had enough coffee yet?” He teased, smiling, peeking inside my mug. “It’s only reasonable, you barely sleep at your apartment anyway, you spend all your time here, you might as well save the rent money and just come live here.”

“Well, if it’s the fiscally responsible thing to do.” I said, ironically. “Besides, the reason I sleep here all the time is because you keep insisting that I do. I wouldn’t mind spending a few nights at my apartment.” I argued back. “You probably could use the break.”

“I didn’t say I want you to spend more nights at your apartment, I was saying I want you to spend all nights here.” Victor sounded frustrated. “Do you really stay the night just because I insist?”

“I did not say that.” I answered softly while taking the dirty breakfast dishes away. I wanted to avoid that conversation so bad.

And Victor apparently caught up on that, seemingly dropping the subject altogether, his eyes trained on his phone. However, I could see his eyebrows slightly furrowed, and that usually meant he was churning some thought in that thick head of his. I sighed.

“Look, this is all very new and it’s a bit weird.” I tried to make him see my perspective. “There’s so much we haven’t even discussed yet… I mean, for now, it’s casual, if we get tired of each other we can go spend some time on our own. If I start living here, you’ll have me in your hair all the time. Besides, we don’t even really know that much about each other, never discussed how we will split the bills…”

“What bills?” He looked confused. “You mean utilities? We’re not roommates, and I don’t need you to pay for those.”

“Well, I want to contribute too. You shouldn’t be supporting me just because you’re rich. See, we really should be discussing these things before acting rashly.”

“Where do you see yourself two years from now?” Victor asked out of the blue, in all seriousness. I blinked at him.

“What, is this a job interview?” I joked. He didn’t laugh.

“Where do you see yourself two years from now?”

I couldn’t see why he was asking, but I was sure it was important. I tried my best to answer.

“I don’t know, honestly.” I said, softly, hoping I could calm some of the inner turmoil I could feel in him. “If someone told me two years ago that I would have gone through all of this… The abuse, the coma, coming to Loveland, my new job, my doctorate, you… I wouldn’t believe it.”

Victor watched me carefully, poker face in place. And for the first time in a long time, I couldn’t read his eyes.

“Alright.” He said, getting up and walking to the door. “Do you need a ride to the University?”

“Thanks, I’m taking my car, I need to-” And with that, I heard the door close behind him, leaving me talking to myself. And I wondered if we had actually been fighting. I simply couldn’t tell.

My routine at the university was a very simple one. During most mornings I would teach, and the afternoons were reserved for the research and occasional meetings with partners. I was thankful for the quiet morning, because I couldn’t focus at all, remembering every single sentence of our discussion, trying to see where things could have gone sour. Eventually, not able to find an answer, I stopped altogether.

After lunch, I went to my office to make a few phone calls regarding the new partnerships we were having at the moment. Unexpectedly, there was a knock on my door. It was Olive Carson, the Dean.

“Andrea, may we have a word?” She said, peeking from the door.

“Of course, come in, sit down.” I said, putting my phone down. “How can I help?”

“We have to discuss this new media exposure you’ve been having, regarding your relationship with Victor Lee.” She started, choosing her words carefully.

“Media exposure?” I frowned.

“Look, I know this is a very sensitive issue, and evidently you are not to blame for what happened to you, but no matter how unfair that exposure is, it is still exposure. And since your name is connected to the University’s now, it is our duty to make sure your exposure doesn’t reflect badly on us. As you understand, sooner or later we’ll have to make our professional relationship official and look for patrons to invest in your research, and any bad publicity will be prejudicial.”

“I’m sorry, Olive, I really don’t follow. What exactly are you talking about?” By that time, I was more than confused, I was starting to get scared.

“You haven’t seen it yet?” Olive asked. “That gossip magazine, Loveland’s Juiciest, published a whole article about you and your boyfriend. Apparently, you caught their attention at that fashion show. I personally choose to steer clear from that kind of literature, but when one of my researchers is involved… I have to pay attention.”

“Wait, Loveland’s…” My mind was reeling. “Ok, yes, me and Victor are in a relationship. Why would the patrons care for that?”

“Well, Mr. Lee spoke on your behalf when you defended your thesis. Some people may think his opinion was… biased.”

“And the results may be discredited.” I concluded, rubbing my forehead in distress. This was not happening. It simply couldn’t be happening.

“And affect our funding exponentially.” She added. “The abuse story is not helping either. I know your boyfriend is a very influential person, and he’s known to be extremely protective of his privacy… Maybe you can talk to him, see if you can make this matter go away, or at least contain it.”

I froze at her words. Did she say abuse? Did that magazine do a background check on me, and shared my abuse with the world? I got up in a hurry, preparing to leave.

“I’ll see what I can do.” I said, quickly gathering my things. “Do you mind if we finish this conversation later? I need to leave urgently. Please close the door behind you.”

Not waiting for her reply, I bolted to the closest magazine stand and bought a copy of the damn magazine. I held it with shaky hands, in my car, too scared to find out what was written.

I should have realized that the moment the paparazzi saw me with Victor, I would be a person of interest. After all, he was known to be the most desirable bachelor in Loveland that never gave any woman a second look. Obviously, they would be all over us. I was bound to end up under the limelight.

The article was titled Ice King or King of Hearts, and it spoke of how honorable and romantic Victor was, choosing to give his heart to true love, disregarding social status or background. And, to make it even more compelling and thorough, there was an entire page dedicated to me, with incredibly accurate facts. The author knew everything about me, my parents, my hobbies, and wrote a tear-jerking story about my abuse, including a picture of Daniel and the exposure it all had in the media back in Portugal, since he was the son of one of the most notorious bankers in Portugal.

My trauma, my darkest part of my life was right in front of me, printed in an elegant font, with pretty pictures to illustrate it. All that I had run from when I left Portugal had followed me to Loveland.

Unsure of what to do, I decided to go to my apartment to try and calm myself down before I did anything else. I couldn’t stay in that parking lot, making a scene. But I still had to fix this mess, and only one person could help me. But before I even considered talking to him, I needed to ground myself.

Victor seemed to have sensed my trouble, because as I drove home, he called me. At the time I was still a bit shaken, so I silenced my phone and dropped it on the passenger seat, deciding I would talk to him when I got home.

By the time I left the car, although a bit shaky, I had a plan. I would calm myself down, try and talk to my mother, and then call Victor and see what could be done. I had achieved so much already, I just needed to face this. Maybe now the world wouldn’t see me as just a victim. I just needed to be strong. I just needed a plan.

But no plan in the world could prepare me for what was coming next.

As I got to my floor, I saw a very familiar silhouette leaning on my door. And when that voice spoke to me in Portuguese, I knew my nightmare was far from being over.

“Hello, doll. Long time no see.” It was Daniel.

I went to my purse to get my phone. Shit! I had left it in the passenger seat. In my car. Downstairs.

Ok, Andrea. Calm down. Be smart.

“What are you doing here?” I asked in English, hoping someone would overhear me. “I don’t want you here.”

“Yet you speak English, our love language.” He answered in English. Daniel always insisted that I spoke English with him when we dated, it gave him a sense of… status. I hated that. “I told you, love, I had to see you. I missed you.”

“I have no interest in seeing you.” I tried to assert, although my heart was tight with fear. “Go away, Daniel.”

“Why? Why deny something so beautiful? Our love is cosmical, karmical, Andrea! No one can get in between us. Not even that boyfriend of yours.”

“So that’s how you found me?” I asked, my voice hoarse. “Some reporter told you where I was?” I paused, taking a deep breath. Still, I couldn’t help but grit my teeth hard in anger. “Our cosmic love, as you say, ended the moment you beat me to a pulp and left me in a coma.”

“No, no.” He laughed, shaking his head. “You’re not being fair, my love.” His sweet voice, his Let me patch you up after I beat you voice made me sick to my stomach. “You were trying to end it long before that, and you know it. I know I made a mistake, and no day goes by that I don’t think about it. But I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

I remained silent, trying to calculate my next move. I couldn’t go to my apartment, risking Daniel coming inside and hurting me in the secrecy of closed doors. I couldn’t run away either. No. Running away was not an option.

“My love for you is so big, can’t you see that?” He continued. “I sacrificed myself, I set you free. I gave you what you wanted, a chance to see how life would be without me. But I always knew you’d come back. When that reporter came to talk to me about our past, I knew that was your way of coming closer, you still want me. Why else would you send for me like that?” Daniel took a step closer. I reacted, taking a step back. “Come on, love, you know you missed me.”

“Are you high on something?” I laughed bitterly, not believing what I was hearing. This was another taste of crazy. “Listen to me carefully, Daniel, I don’t want you here. In fact, if you were living in another galaxy, you’d still be too close to me for my liking. Get out of here, before I call the police.”

Daniel’s sweet expression dissolved into an angry one. That was the real Daniel I knew, the one he only showed to the people he wanted to subdue. He gave me a snarly smile.

“Go ahead. It isn’t a crime to visit a friend. You’ll just make me want to come back for more.” Suddenly he was a lot closer, grabbing my arm. “You’re mine, Andrea.” He had a threatening look. “You belong to me. Don’t think you can run away from me just like that.” He whispered in my ear. “Wherever you go, I will always find you.”

“Do not touch me!” I yanked my arm from Daniel’s grip, but he was faster. Before I had any time to react, he grabbed me by the throat and slammed me against my door hard. I lost my breath for a moment.

“Now, why don’t we go inside? Be a good pussy and serve me some coffee, maybe with some ass on the side.” He whispered in my ear, his disgusting breath and maniacal voice making something break inside me.

“I said.” I threatened, calmly. “Let. Go. Of. Me.”

“And what if I don’t? What’s a weak pussy like you going to do to stop me?”

Back in the day, his words would make me shrink, and act in repulse or disgust. But I was flooded with a sudden clarity I had never felt before. Not wasting any time, I punched him hard on the jaw, slamming my foot hard on his chest afterward, making him fly back and slam against the floor hard. He instinctively assumed a fetal position on the floor, trying hard to catch a breath. My kick must’ve cracked a couple of ribs, at least.

Suddenly, my vision was blocked by someone else’s body. Strong steady hands held my shoulders. And suddenly I realized that, when I was smacking Daniel, I had heard someone call my name.

“Did he hurt you?” Familiar grey eyes met mine. What was Victor doing here?

“I’m fine.” I said, releasing myself from his protection. “Daniel was just leaving, weren’t you sweetheart?” I asked, my voice dripping sarcasm.

“Just remember, doll.” Daniel threatened again, as he wiped some blood from his lip. “I broke you once. I can do that again.”

Victor turned to face him, his expression one I had never seen before. He looked like he was about to commit murder, his eyes fiery with anger. I grabbed his arm, squeezing it gently. He looked at me, and seeing me calm, he relaxed a little as well.

“You know, I thought you did break me. And I hated you for that.” I paused, and noticed the smirk Daniel gave me, pleased to have had such an effect on me. “But it turns out, I was wrong. You didn’t break me. I started over again.” I came a little closer, feeling Victor’s watchful eyes on me. “And I overcame all that you did to me. I created a bigger and better life for myself, and discovered I am stronger than I think and wiser than I look. But most important of all, I realized you can’t break me, not really. The only power you have over me is the one that I give you.”

Daniel’s expression was both of surprise and anger. He wanted to see me scared and helpless. He would find none of that in me. Thanks to my friends, my family, and Victor, I was strong again. More than I ever was. I felt unbreakable.

“I used to be terrified of you. You used to haunt my dreams, make me wake up in a cold sweat. And now that I can see you, the real you… You’re not scary anymore. You are pathetic. Trying to make people love you by using torture, because you don’t feel worthy of love. Trying to break them because you feel inferior, because, deep down, you know how pitiful you are.”

Daniel was a pathetic mess on the floor, blood mixing with tears of rage. I walked to my door, getting the key from my purse to open it. “Go back to Portugal. We’re done here.”

“I decide that! I decide when it’s over!” I heard his voice coming towards me. I turned back to defend myself if necessary, but saw nothing but Victor’s back, who had come between us.

“Listen to me carefully.” Victor warned. Daniel and Victor were about the same height, and still Victor towered over him dangerously. His eyes were menacing and full of rage, his expression feral, his tone clearly indicating he was not one to mess with. “You should be very careful. You may think your deeds will go unpunished, but I am watching you. I have been watching you for a while. And I know exactly what kind of scum you are.”

Victor paused, watching Daniel’s reaction. Daniel immediately shrunk another two inches under his hostile stare.

“If you come near her, if you even dare to be in the same city as her, I will make sure that your existence is pure torture, to say the least. I will find out about all your crimes, and I will make sure you pay dearly for them, bringing you agony ten times worse than what you caused. I will be your judge and executioner. I will make sure that, after I’m done to you, you are simply too weak, too helpless to hurt anyone else. That is my promise to you. And I always keep my promises.”

Daniel’s face was bright red, tears rolling down his face, his fists clenched in anger. But Daniel was a coward, so he would not dare face someone that would actually fight back. He slowly backed away, mumbling some empty threats, leaving us alone.

Without a second look back, I opened the door to my apartment and went in, Victor following me. As soon as I heard the click of the door closing, I found myself caught in a tight and warm embrace.

“He didn’t hurt me.” I whispered. “I’m fine.”

“I will be the judge of that.” I heard Victor’s hoarse voice close to my ear.

“Thanks for being here.” I released myself from his embrace, my hand running through his tie. “What are you doing here?”

“You didn’t answer any of my calls. I went to the university looking for you. Something happened.” Victor hesitated.

“The article about us. I already know. That’s why I came home.”

“I will take care of this.” Victor’s hands held my shoulders tight, as if to steady me. “This reporter… She’s out of a job, I guarantee.” The fury in his eyes almost made me feel sorry for those who would meet it. I almost feared for that reporter.

“The Dean says that this may hurt my research. The exposure… The fact that you and I are dating… may discredit my work.” I said, my voice hoarse.

“It won’t happen.” He looked me in the eyes, silently making the promise. “They are going to collect all the unsold magazines tonight. And we’ll take legal action against the publisher. We have a meeting with the lawyers tomorrow.” He looked at me, taking me in his arms again. “This won’t hurt you any more than it already has, I promise you. You can tell the Dean it has been taken care of. I’ll call her if you want to.”

“No…” I said, rubbing my forehead in distress. “I’ll talk to her. Thank you.”

Victor grabbed my hand and put it down, leaning his forehead against mine instead.

“We’ll get through this. Don’t worry.” He looked at me with soft eyes. “I’m here.”

I ran my hand over his cheek lovingly. Yes, he was here. I just couldn’t muster the happiness for it at that moment. I felt tired and numb. Victor looked at me with worried eyes.

“Let’s go home.” He said, holding me closer. “You need to rest. This was a stressful day.”

“I…” I sighed. “I prefer sleeping here today, if you don’t mind.”

Victor looked at me with a pained and confused expression.

“I’m not rejecting you.” I said, placing my hands on his chest, like I could somehow placate him. “I need this time to myself. I need to gather my thoughts. I am so thankful for your help, and I love you, but I need to be alone. I can think better when I’m alone.”

Victor seemed to relax slightly, although he didn’t look exactly pleased. He clearly didn’t understand it, but he was trying. He took my face in his hands and kissed me gently.

“Just remember, you don’t need to do things alone. I’m right here. I will always be here.”

#Growing Pains - Series #growingpains #victor x oc #mlqc victor #mlqc li zeyan #mlqc fanfic #love and producer #mister love queens choice

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the-bjd-community-confess · 3 years ago

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Recasts suck,but I don't hate myself for it Anon who doesn't hate their recast phase here. I want to stress again I went legit, and I get where you guys are coming from. As per some poster, I want to state I'm not "trying to excuse my shitty behaviour". I'm not excusing it, it was shitty.Just because I don't hate myself for it doesn't mean I don't regret it. It sucks that I impacted artists and hurt the community...but honestly without that first foray and getting comfortable spending money on dolls none of my money would of ever gone into the hobby. Not.A.Dime. I never would've bought expensive fullsets from independent artists, I never would have bought a single doll. Pre-Order? Eff that, 6 months with a risk of you disappearing with my money? Hell no. I'm a cheap a-hole and wanted to see if I liked the hobby in the first place. Hell, I would've likely given up on the community all together if I didn't start with my first shitty little MSD off AliExpress. Unless you are blessed with tons of cash...think about how much a 500 dollar DOLL makes you feel when you have N E V E R owned one before. When the scales still don't make sense, when you want to do crazy mods, when you don't sell things online and when you don't have access to doll meets. Take away the safety of your doll community, remember when you we're new...remember how intimidating those legit spaces we're. Think of how unfriendly spaces like DoA seemed. Remember how people still treat "budget" dolls...especially when you yourself hate the sculpts and bodies. Think of how separated you we're from the craftsmanship of a doll, separated from those companies you love and only seeing a price tag and "out of stock" icon.

Maybe now you can understand why people turn to recast spaces, especially when they've become "forbidden knowledge". Banning discussion has only made them more interesting, and when you get to researching...you end up joining recast spaces. And you join the recast space and they say "don't worry,we get it, it's ok". As I stayed in recast spaces, I learned SO MUCH from those communities, people with amazing solid experiences both legit and recast, talented artists and excellent discussion about representation in the doll hobby at large. Learning /exactly/ what recasts are like, common scams and how to protect yourself. SO MUCH support for getting a legit, so much sharing of artists and shops.

A lot of which would not be openly discussed in the doll world at large (especially not at the time). I got to quickly figure out my favourite sizes by buying into the shapes and sculpts I liked..quickly and easily, which saved me money. Especially as someone who wanted to pull off wild mods and really handle my dolls. I didn't want to be "afraid" to learn and jack up a doll I just dropped $$$ on. I learned more about the doll companies in ten seconds flat than I ever could googling "bjd". These spaces we're easy to access and friendly. However, there we're also trends I saw and things I hated. People trying to tell an Artist 100 dollars for a VERY HIGH QUALITY face up was too much, bemoaning their own finances...and some /wild/ excuses in the recast side that I surely spouted when I tried to excuse what I was doing. I didn't want to be a part of that anymore. I didn't want my whole experience to be /hiding/ shit from legit spaces in the hobby, I wanted to share my work and make solid friends, I wanted to go to conventions and not have to worry about some black cloud following me. It didn't feel special to get a doll, I could never 'bond' with them.

They we're hunks of resin and all I could think about was how much I wanted to experience my first /real/ box opening. How much I wanted to know the /real/ experience. No matter how you slice it, getting that crushed brown box with a doll wrapped in bubble wrap...just isn't exciting. The biggest aspect was I WANT THE COMPANIES I LOVE TO KEEP CREATING. I /want/ to support artists and makers, I want to see the things I love flourish. I wanted my money and attention to go to companies who had truly earned it. I had been ignorant to the damage I did when my money went to re casters. It's hard to admit that legit spaces are intimidating to new people, but it's a pill we need to swallow. Sometimes people are inconsiderate and don't know better....and I never would of learned better if I didn't go through the beginning stages and seen that other side. If the legit side was more open and actually educated about what is happening on the recast side, I would've done better there. But in the crusade against recasts... I've seen the lies. I've seen people say lots of nonsense about recasts that simply isn't true. That HURTS the argument, and makes people more vulnerable to scams. So no, I don't hate my recast phase, but I do wish I never had it. If you own one, you do you, but trust me it feels much better to not hide or worry. I do NOT encourage people to get recasts, you honestly are better off getting a legit. You'll love it more, you'll engage with it more...it really will feel special. And no, don't worry, the legit spaces don't bite.

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #TrueBJDCounterfeits #Going Legit #BJD Groups

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mydearsaddiary · 4 years ago

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Speakeasy Tonight Fanfic- Neil Season 3

Hello! For those of you who don’t know Im writing a fanfic on how I’d imagine Neil Season 3 to go! This is chapter 4, here’s a link with all the chapters: https://mydearsaddiary.tumblr.com/NeilSeason3Fanfic

Little curiosity notes: We’re back in Chicago and Neil stayed in Boston ): Time to get back into the prohibition business because Vera Peters is causing trouble around town again! Let’s go!! (There’s drama but fluff here too, promise)

Chapter 4- Trouble on the home front. I declare war.

1926

I was back in Chicago for five days now. To forget everything that happened in the last week I was drowning myself in work. The guys at the Ice Box seemed a little worried, especially because they knew about the engagement. Uncle Charlie seemed sad and disappointed at the same time. I didn’t blame him. It’s weird the things you think. I didn’t think Neil to be the type that broke hearts, but I did know he was afraid of commitments. Maybe this was just him escaping

However, anyone could see that the break-up was getting at me. I didn’t talk about anything but business, nobody had mentioned Neil since I got back and everyone felt a little empty without the Doc in his usual spot drinking his bourbon

-Hey, MC- Cliff called me at the bar while I was working on the inventory that night- What do you want me to do with this?- He pointed to the box of Neil’s secret bourbon stash

-Well, no use wasting good bourbon, right?-I picked it up, but Cliff saw it was a little too heavy for me and picked it up himself. I didn’t like anyone thinking I needed help but I did feel weaker in the arms these days- Just put it in Charlie’s Studebaker, I’ll take it home with me

-Alright, leave it to me- He said taking it outside

-Hey, doll- A familiar voice came behind me- You feeling better?

-Hey, Vince-I smiled at the other who sat at the bar- I’m fine, time heals things don’t it? If I just keep working, I’ll get over it in no time

-I could always take you out for a spin, you know that, right?

I chuckled- It’s too soon, but should I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know

He nodded- Well, if you’re interested in keep on working I might have something

-Yeah?

-Seems like your days dealing with the drys might be over for a while. I got some leads Vera Peters is been causin’ trouble around town

-But the mayor and O’Sullivan are down, she doesn’t have any help

-You think dat would stop ‘er, lassie?- Donovan said something for the first time tonight, hanging on tightly to his whiskey

-She did give me a call right after, spilling something about me “winning the battle, but not the war”

-She is onto something. She had O’Sullivan wrapped around her finger. Now that he’s in jail, that bastard O’Fallon is in power, and I think she’s been hanging around The Broiler

-That’s what I ‘eard too. Vera Peters might be lookin to be de next big name in de gangster racket

-Uncle Charlie mentioned she’s still showing up to the temperance meetings. Trying to keep her image, I guess.

-Seems like those temperance meetings are gonna be a war zone from now on-Vince said- O’Sullivan was the big name. If she somehow works her ways into his operations-

-She’d be causing trouble especially for us since she obviously hates me- I sighed- One more chapter of the Vera Peters saga-I looked around for a certain fella- Elliot!- I called. He got up from his gambling table and left his starlet blondes waiting for him

-May I say you look extraordinary tonight, MC?

-Thanks Elliot, you may say that- I poured a drink for myself- Have you been hanging around Gerald these days?

-I’ve been to the Broiler recently.

-Heard anything interesting?

He looked to his side a little sketchy, as if he was about to tell a lie- Well, only about the changes in management due to O’Sullivan being in jail

-Can it, Elliot. I’m asking about anything that might cause us trouble

-Vera Peters has been hanging out there. She doesn’t drink, but I know her and Gerald have been keeping each other company. I thought it might be something romantic

I laughed- Vera and Gerald? Yea, it makes so much sense- I said ironically- I’m sure Vera isn’t Gerald’s type. She’s interested in something else. She wants something and it’s not good. Think you can go back there and find out more about it?

-Yes, me and Gerald were planning to gamble tomorrow over at the Broiler

-Great. Dig some and tell us what you find out

After that I also told Sofia to keep her eyes and ears open, Vince offered to drive me home but I reminded him I have driven Charlie’s Studebaker. I took driving as a hobby, it always seemed interesting and now that I was trying to get my hands on anything to do to forget about my current situation, I couldn’t find a reason not to do it.

I went home that night like I went home every night since I came back from Boston. I had no energy to do anything, but at the same time I couldn’t rest. It was like my body spent the day telling me to give up and sleep, but it wouldn’t let me sleep once I laid in bed. Insomnia was part of my nights, at least until seven in the morning when I did manage to sleep, and then I’d wake up once or twice, and proceed to get up at ten a.m., when I couldn’t go back to sleep anymore.

So then I’d find something to do. I didn’t feel hungry in the morning, so I’d drive around for a few hours. Then at around noon I’d go check the inventory of the appliance store. Uncle Charlie would be there working, we’d talk for a few hours, then he’d ask if I wanted to play some chess. Unfortunately I cringed at the thought of touching a chess piece and I’d say I’d rather do something else.

Sometimes he’d ask me if I wanted to go back to Columbus, be near everyone else. I’d tell him I knew he was worried, but it was normal to be sad and it was momentary. I knew why he’d ask though. My face when I would wake up was pale, I’d gotten a little bit skinnier, and I didn’t talk as much. Even Uncle Charlie had to start playing the host.

That brings us to when the Ice Box would open. I was still convinced that Neil Dresner wasn’t going to be the cause I stopped doing my job. The only job I wasn’t doing well was talking and pretending I was doing fine. I didn’t dance anymore either. I usually stayed in the back room working on the inventory, helping Cliff make drinks and deal with some problems, like Vera Peters.

That other night, Elliot walked into the Ice Box and he brought company as he always did, but one of his friends that night was Gerald O’Fallon

-What is he doing here?-Vince tightened his fists walking over to the door, but not before Cliff held him by the shoulder

-I’ll find that out-I called the both of them to a table in the corner of the speakeasy. I’m sure the talk we were about to have was going to be important

-So, Gerald, Elliot- I stared at the both of them- What can I help you with?- I said expecting they’d give me some information

-Well, I talked to Gerald some about Vera, like you asked

-I see you’ve kept it very secret too, like I asked- I stared at him

-No… MC, listen to him

I turned my attention to the red-headed rival and he started to talk- I seem to be in need of your help once more- I could see in his face how much he hated that. And this time again it must be bad if he’s here. I didn’t say anything so he could continue- With your scheme against Mrs. Peters, you took O’Sullivan out of power. He was already known as a gangster, but his pursuits grew with his connection to the mayor and he got arrested. It actually helped some. O’Sullivan was ruthless, and it gave me control of the Broiler

-I must imagine that control isn’t there anymore if Vera Peters cuts her rug at The Broiler- I said drinking. I found myself wondering why I was drinking only Neil’s bourbon. I decided it was because it tasted good.

-No, turns out O’Sullivan handed a lot of things over to Vera. A lot of our information, things that can compromise our business. She has complete power over the Broiler-He actually had a sad expression. I don’t think Gerald would be one to give Vera Peters power of his establishment so quickly, so I believed him. Besides, there was sincerity in his eyes.

-What is she exactly doing there?

-She wanted control of our operation. Of course at first I laughed, but with everything O’Sullivan gave her, even our businesses with my boss in New York City could be compromised. She has the power to shut us down completely. So I had to give her control of the Broiler. If she shut us down- He lowered his voice- My boss from New York would hunt me down to bump me off. We bring a lot revenue to him.

-Vera Peters in control of O’Sullivans operation sounds like the last thing we want- I sighed loudly. This woman was never going to give up was she?

Donovan chose this moment to storm into the box coming to me. He seemed to hesitate seeing Gerald, so I pulled him away from the table for a few minutes

-What on earth is going on with you? You storm in here like that and people will think we’re being raided!

-Lassie, it’s…-He handed me a newspaper- It’s fresh of de press, it’ll be out tomorrow

I looked at the front page- Mayor Adler announces marriage to Vera… Peters!

-Former prohibition officer Adler. A couple o’ years back ‘e quit the job and became dirty, which is good for our business. But from what I remember from this boyo he is ruthless. De meanest in many ways. If he was just doing his job it’d fine ‘cause he was gonna leave oehs alone. But Vera Peters seduces the man and decides to marry ‘im… Adler is known for doin’ whatever it took to protect ‘is family. A lad looks at his kids the wrong way, next thing you know the next day he mysteriously disappears.

-Vera gets protection by being in power as the mayor’s wife again, on top of being married to someone who kill for their family. And now Vera is his wife and he’d bump off anyone who dare go against her-I had to sit down and take another drink- Vera Peters is aiming to be the queen of the Chicago’s underworld, just as she tried to before trying to get me under her wing and take control of me. And now she’s ten steps ahead of us.

I handed the newspaper back to him and asked him to wait until the Ice Box was closed. I went back to Gerald and asked him to do the same.

I liked Elliot and he had helped me out, but I didn’t ask him to wait around because I knew he was a talker, the more he knew, the more dangerous it was for us.

So when the Ice Box closed everyone relevant stayed behind. Me, Vince, Cliff, Donovan, Andrew watched the door for us, Sofia and even though it wasn’t Cleo’s or Julius’ job I asked them to stay too. Uncle Charlie was home and I definitely did not want to add more into his plate while he still wasn’t totally recovered yet

Of course, Gerald was an addition-Care to fill us in why this sap is still here?-Vince pointed at O’Fallon- And why I shouldn’t give him a slug on his schnozzle, right now?!

-I’d like to see you try your wop!-Gerald said and Vince started to go up to him ready to fight. Two armed men giving me a headache once more

I put myself in between them- If you two start with the lead poisoning treatment, I’ll let you kill yourselves outside and we’ll do this without you!- I yelled at the both of them while Cliff and Donovan helped me pull them apart- Now, can it! We’re gonna need to work together on this.

-Why would we need to work together with this bog-trotter?!

-Because we have a common enemy. We need all the help we can get, Vince. Vera Peters is on the move again

-I thought she was done with-He said

-So did we- So I told the rest of them what was happening. How Vera had taken over the Broiler and managed to marry the mayor once more.

-Since she’s gone dirty, who’s saying we can’t get rid of her?

-I am Vince. Remember? We can’t kill the mayor’s wife. Besides, Donovan filled me in on how he’s got an obsession to putting family first, now Vera is part of ‘is family.

Donovan this time spoke- We kill ‘is wife and the man is gonna hunt down whoever it was till they’re six feet under.

-Vera Peters is gonna make a move on the Ice Box like she did before. She’s not gonna leave us alone- I started talking again- She tried to get Uncle Charlie killed, and threatened to put him- And Neil, but I wasn’t going to mention him- behind bars.

-Seems like we’re in hot water- Cliff said

-Change that to boiling water- Sofia said- And that’s not all, I’ve been hearing some rumors too…

This time a familiar voice, very familiar, came from the door- Vera Peter’s been hiring new muscle, she also bought a place under a laundromat and a warehouse with her husband’s money. She’s planning to open a new speakeasy.

Everyone was quiet for a second. Until Sofia spoke again

-Yes, that’s what I was going to say… She is… Expanding- I could tell she was looking at me now

My eyes were fixated on the man that stood there, tall, holding his cigarette. His icy blue eyes pierced on me. I wanted to hug and kiss him. And then I don’t know if it was pride that took over me, but my last moments in Boston played over in my head and I felt my blood boil in me, so I turned to everyone again

-It’s late, everyone, so let’s go home and sleep. Everyone needs to be here early tomorrow, at around noon. We’ll talk more about it then. Even you, Gerald.

It was the last thing I said before I grabbed my coat and walked out. I didn’t even give myself a chance to look back when I passed Neil. However when I was almost at the Studebaker I heard Neil calling my name behind me

I got into the car starting it and he just opened the door and got in the car himself

-What are you doing, Neil?! Get out of the car, I’m going home!

-I love you-He said, interrupting me- I’m sorry, MC. I’m sorry about everything just-

-Get out of my car!-I gave him the most serious and furious look I could. He was quiet for a moment, but I think he saw something in my eyes, because he left.

I started driving, and there was I crying again. I thought at least that part of it was gone. It was too much at the moment. Neil appearing out of the blue made me forget Vera Peters was ever a problem. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to hear him say that he loved me, or how much I missed him… How much I couldn’t deny that I was still in love with him. But I couldn’t be a fool. I just couldn’t forget everything that had happened in Boston and let him get away with it.

My nightmares about him and Lillie getting back together were over though, since he was back here. I hated the fact that it made me feel better.

I was so confused. I drove home, took a bath and surprisingly I fell asleep very quickly. I guess my body just understood how much I needed to not think about anything right now.

The next morning I woke up around ten. It still wasn’t the sleep I needed, but it was better than what I had been getting lately, besides waking up numerous times throughout the night.

I went down and Mrs. Fitz had prepared breakfast. Uncle Charlie smiled once he saw me there. I smiled back, sitting in the chair in front of him- Morning, Unc.

-Morning, young lady. You seem to be in a better mood today

-I slept better- I was getting the food set on my plate- Listen, Uncle Charlie… I wanted to talk to you about something

-Is it about Vera Peters? I saw it in the papers- He got serious- Woman is tough nut

-She’s dangerous- I said as I told him all the new information I found out yesterday, I laid it all out in a way that wouldn’t give him a heart attack- Which brings me to my point. I want you to take a trip to Columbus. Visit the family, stay safe.

-Now, listen here young lady, you want me to leave you alone?! With all of this happening?

-I won’t be alone. I have Cliff, Vince, Donovan, everyone at the box! I can trust them. She has tried to have you killed multiple times and she will try again! God, even if I happened to get hurt I’ll have Neil right by my side to…-I didn’t even realize I had said his name until I said it, this time Uncle Charlie gave me a puzzled look

-Neil…?

-He…-I lowered my eyes- Popped up at the Ice Box last night

This time he let out a laugh- I knew that sap wouldn’t disappoint me. He came back for you

-No, Uncle Charlie. Probably his bourbon or because he owes you the world or-

-He came back for you.-He said, this time he had a hand over mine

I had to change the subject or I’d start crying- Unc, please go to Columbus. When you were in the hospital, I handled Louis, I’ve dealt with Vera Peters once and I can handle her again. You, on the other hand, can’t handle any more assassinations attempts- I looked straight into his eyes- Trust me, Uncle Charlie. Let me deal with this. But to be able to do my job right, I need to know you’re safe. Besides, Poppa misses you and my sisters do too. It’d be great for you. You don’t need to worry about me

He sighed looking back- Alright, MC. I’ll go to Columbus. Seeing the girls and Edward again would be nice

I smiled- Thanks, Uncle. You leave everything to me.

That day I called Vince and Cliff, since they were basically Uncle Charlie’s kids I figured they should know he was going, it didn’t take much for them to agree it was a good idea. They came over and spent the next couple hours with us, helping us pack his bags and even taking him to La Salle station.

-I called Momma, said you should be there soon. You’re gonna be okay?-I said hugging him before he got on the train

-Yea, I can manage it just fine. You fellas take care of her- He said

They did agree and I thought about telling him I could take care of myself, but if it made him feel better I just let it be- I’ll give you a call when everything is good

And then he was off. That was a load off my shoulders. Knowing Uncle Charlie was safe made it a lot easier for me and everyone who cared about Charlie to concentrate on the problem at hand.

-Alright, fellas. To the Ice Box.

Cliff drove us there. Once we got there, everybody else from our little gang was there plus Gerald. Neil was there too, but I tried my best to ignore him. However, my mind now kept wondering back to what Uncle Charlie had said about him coming back for me. I know it was true, but there was something in me that was still allowing me to be more mad than forgiving. If I just let it all go so easily, what kind of girl am I?

-MC, what do you think?- Vince said and I was pulled out of my trance

-H-Huh?-I looked around, people were looking at me

-Are you alright, honey?- Cleo said- You’ve been looking tired these days- She said. I didn’t want her to say any more that’d trigger Neil to act all Doctor so I kept talking

-I’m fine. What was the question?

-About Vera- Cliff said this time- What are you thinking about that?

-Oh, right. I was thinking there is pros and cons. Vera Peters is in our territory now, the gangster territory. It means she is putting herself in danger too. Even though she’s protected we can allow ourselves to treat her like a gangster

-Which means…-Vince started

-She’s still the mayor’s wife. That’s her protection. We know the mayor’s her weak link and if she is not his wife, she’s in a weaker spot. However it won’t be as easy as connecting the mayor to a gangster this time

-Mayor Adler jus’ leaves the Chicago underworld alone- Donovan said- There’s nothin’ to link ‘im to any gangsters

I sighed- So we’ll have to find another way to separate the both of them. If we could discredit her somehow for the mayor to want to leave her

-Chica- Sofia said- I’ve heard the one thing mayor Adler hates the most is betrayal. He’s tough alright. Everything we’ve heard about him protecting his family is true. But if Vera betrayed him, that’s the only thing that would make him drop her and she’d lose his protection.

-Betray him? How would Vera betray him?

Neil opened his mouth for the first time- The highest betrayal to a partner is adultery

Cliff looked at him- But that’s crazy. There’s no way to make Vera Peters cheat on the mayor

-Maybe there is- I said- We can’t control what Vera does, but maybe if somebody seduced her, it’d be our best chance to have her fall to their charm and let herself go. Vera Peters left her husband in jail. She doesn’t have loyalty.

-Who in their right mind would seduce Vera Peters?-Vince asked

-It’s not about their right mind. It wouldn’t be real, first of all. They’d just seduce her enough to get her to neck, if somebody took a picture and mailed it to dear Mayor Adler…

-He’d feel extremely betrayed by her- Sofia ended it for me

-Exactly. We need someone with a cause, someone who will be close to her and spend time with her without it being suspicious.

This time everyone looked to Gerald, his eyebrows raised in surprise- Y-you…! You want me to seduce Vera Peters?

-You want to get her off your back right?- I said

-Yea but-

-No buts, Gerry. Here’s the deal. She has control of The Broiler, you work there. It means you’re already spending more time with her than anybody else in here.

-Yes, but we haven’t really exchanged kind words

-Then just soften up. Don’t just start seducing her, just give into her ways, and then the more time you spend together, do that thing where you say sweet stuff and give your looks to whatever Jane you’re trying to take to your bed that night, she’ll fall for it. Everyone knows you’re good a seducing ladies

-You think he’s a good seducer?- Neil arched his eyebrow

Donovan started talking to save me from answering that question- Yes, O’Fallon, everyone knows you got a lurid reputation with the lassies. It’s just one more lass you got ta seduce. Done that plenty o’ times

I talked again- Just until you can get her to neck with ya. Then have somebody take a picture, we take it go get printed, send it to Mayor Adler and he feels so betrayed he ends the marriage. It’d make Vera lose her power among the politicians and it’s one step closer to getting her off your back

-Alright. It’s worth a try- He said not convincingly, but judging how much he hated her, he would do it.

-Say it works- Cliff started- Vera still has control of the Broiler. Information that would compromise everyone

-Once she’s not the Mayor’s wife, she is just a gangster

-Which means…-Vince started again

-No! We don’t have to kill her, Vince- I continued- Her voice won’t be as strong, but the documents she has might still be proof against The Broiler. To get her off her position of power there completely, we need to find whatever documents she has and burn it to ash- I looked at Vince- She had this office where she used to meet with O’Sullivan. When me and… Neil… Went there we only got was the stuff that was important to us at the time, if you can sneak there and grab everything she has that is sensitive information and gives her an edge, she’d lose control of The Broiler

-You got it, boss

I continued overlooking the fact he had called me that- It seems like a good place to start. If we get the mayor to leave her, she’ll turn to Gerald because she’ll think he’s on her side. She’ll think The Broiler is her safe place. Having her trust you-I was looking at Gerald-It’s gonna give us an edge

-And then we burn those documents behind her back and she can’t have a hold of my business anymore

-Exactly

-We also have to account for one more thing-Neil said- Vera Peters might be looking to make alliances with other big names like Ferlinghetti

-I could spread some rumors about her-Sofia said- Make her look bad and dangerous to others

-Alright- I said- Seems like we have an idea of where to start. I’ll see what else I can find out

It was almost time for the Ice Box to open. Gerald left to go back to The Broiler and we opened the place

The whole night I couldn’t afford to be by myself or I knew Neil would see an excuse to come talk to me. He was watching me the whole night. Sometimes I’d see him talking to Cliff or Donovan, but I felt his lingering look on me even when I wasn’t paying attention. So I played host, danced with Vince, talked with Cliff about inventory. Always made sure I was engaged in some other activity so he didn’t have a chance to talk to me

The place was packed with people. The dance contest was off for that night, but it seemed like all of Chicago was there. I found myself in between people on the dance floor, until I felt a hand grab my upper arm and pull me. I turned around and saw Neil, in his not usual spot. I thought I’d be able to avoid him in the middle of dancing but there he was

-MC, I need to talk to you- He said loudly. He had to or I wouldn’t be able to hear due to the music, people and festivities

-I have nothing to say to you, Neil Dresner! I have work to do! You leave me be!- I yanked my arm off him

-Why are you so stubborn?!-He went after me- Just listen to me!

I swear the next thing I said was a curse word that’d make Momma pass out if she heard- I don’t want to talk to you!

-Fine. I didn’t want to have to do that, but if you won’t talk to me I have no other choice- He said with a mad but determined look on his face

I looked at him as he walked past me and onto the stage. He took the microphone from Cleo who looked just as shocked as I did, I could even see Julius astonished. The music and the band stopped. And suddenly the whole Ice Box was looking at him

Neil hates being the center of attention. What the hell is he doing?

-Alright everybody, sorry to interrupt your dancing and the music, but this will only take a minute. Besides…-He motioned to me- This seems to be the only way the Ice Box Flapper here will pay attention to me

Then the crowd parted around me and now they looked at the both of us. I could feel myself going red. I kept thinking what had gotten into his head, but I couldn’t do anything but watch. I could see the amusement on Cleo’s and Julius’ face now. I looked around quickly at the other fellas and they all looked just as amused. Of course they would! They’re not the ones being put on the spot and it’s Neil! It’s Neil standing on the stage about to give a speech. If I wasn’t in that situation I’d find it amusing!

-Everybody who knows me, knows I prefer to be left alone in my corner, in my peace and quiet, and everyone know I hate it when people pay attention to me- And it showed. I swear I could even see him blushing and all stiff and uncomfortable- But, I’m standing here today because MC told me she’d fight for me, and now I’m telling her I’d fight for her. Tooth and nails if I have to-He said repeating what I told him when I proposed. His icy blues looked deep into mine from the stage, so I couldn’t help but look right back at them- I’m an idiot and I’m sorry for hurting you… I have a box- he said pulling a little velvet black box from his pocket, opening it and holding it out to me. I was a little too far away to see much, but I could see the shine of the ring in it- The ring inside it, I picked it out myself. The day we went shopping in Boston. There was no one else in my mind but you when I picked it out.- He seemed even more nervous now, and I could tell because his breathing was rapid- You make my world brighter than I ever thought possible, and I can’t imagine going through every day without having you by my side. I love your stubbornness, all the snappy remarks you make when we’re together. I love how easy it is for people to underestimate you but you prove them wrong every time, you proved me wrong. I love how alive you look when you dance and I love how you always speak your mind. I love how strong you are and how nothing can bring you down. You surprise me every day, you’re so unexpected and everything that is you is what makes me so madly in love with you- At this point I forgot the whole Ice Box was there. It was just me on this dance floor, and Neil on that stage, singing words of love to me- And if you, MC Granger, would do me the honor of marrying me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be the man that you deserve.

A silence followed for a second while I gathered my thoughts and what I wanted to say. The whole Ice Box looked at me, but I could only focus on the man on the stage. Neil had stolen his way into my heart. Seeing him stand there just made me sure that I was completely in love with him. I wanted to be his

-Well, Doc- I started- This is the first time I’ve seen you off your seat and away from your glass of bourbon- laughter ensued- And that was a heck of a proposal…

Who was I to let pride stand in the way of my happiness, when Neil didn’t let his?

-So I’d have to say… Yes! I’ll marry you!

And then I noticed that I was in the Ice Box once more once the crowd roared and clapped. I blushed for a second but then saw Neil approaching me. He took me in his arms and kissed me passionately. I wasn’t a fool so I kissed him right back with the same intensity. It was love, it was pure love in one kiss. And suddenly it was only the two of us again.

Once we broke off, he held my hand slipping the beautiful jewel on my ring finger. It looked expensive, but I didn’t complain or anything. I laughed instead, happily. I don’t know if it was the emotion of the past few days or if the lights were too bright on my face, but when I looked up to him again, I knew I had tears running down my face.

I could feel his warm hands on my face cleaning it up- I’m sorry…-He said

I shook my head- I love you, Neil

-I love you, MC-He kissed me again and I pulled him off the dance floor

-Cliff, you think you can close tonight?-I asked once I was close enough to the bar

-You two lovebirds go ahead!- He quickly ushered us off- I’ll see you guys tomorrow

I got into the Studebaker with him and the whole time we just laughed with each other. I drove us to Uncle Charlie and since we had the houses to ourselves, soon we were in my room, then in my bed, with no clothes on.

-You can sweet talk after all-I teased him

-It wasn’t sweet talking- He was surprisingly serious- It was the truth. Of course I would’ve preferred if I could’ve said all that in private since now, I’m sure I’m going to have to deal with all the mockery, but you wouldn’t hear me out otherwise, so… I had to improvise. Can’t complain with the results

I laughed- Love makes you do strange things, don’t it?

-I need to spend less time with you- He teased right back, but this time I answered with a kiss

Everything that followed was bliss. The touches, the kisses, the movements. I was over the moon. He wasn’t gentle but he was being gentler than most nights. The desire in those days came crashing down at once, but not in a just sex mood. We had as much time as we wanted, so that night we made love. With all the electricity and wonderfulness that came with the feeling and the man on top of me, moving fast and deep, there was the feeling that we were catching up on how much we missed and loved each other. Even when ‘later’ arrived, pure contentment was still felt in the air

We fell asleep that night with our arms around each other, kissing until we were out of breath. The world outside didn’t exist. I was his and he was mine and that was the only thing that mattered.

Needless to say that was the best sleep I had that week.

1941

-Alton, are you taking these?- Neil asked the now 14-year-old boy about some candy he gave to his father to hold. They were at a drug store, Charlotte had gotten a slight cold but Neil always got so worried when any of them got sick, so he went to get more medicine.

-Yes I am, dad! Just a second!-Alton said bringing some more to Neil- These two too!

-Alright, but that’s it!- He said as he went to the cashier to pay

-Hey Pa!- a young man came running into the drug store to the cashier

-I’m working, John, later!

-Didn’t you see the papers? We were attacked, the U.S., the naval station at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii was attacked by the Japanese empire!

That got the attention of both Neil and Alton, who now looked at the young man

-What were you saying?- Neil this time asked

-It’s all over the news!- the boy John continued- They came flying and at least two-thousand Americans got killed. President Roosevelt declared war against Japan today- He looked back and forth at the three of them- The U.S.A is in a war with Japan

Neil held Alton tightly now. He had had enough of war for a lifetime. He had always assumed it was something only his generation had to go through and something his kids would never come to know. It was probably just wishful thinking

-Seems like the war to end all wars was a joke, eh?-The cashier, John’s dad mentioned- You know- He turned to Neil- I fought in the Great War.

-Dad fought in it too-Alton said before Neil could stop him

-So you know. Besides, isn’t Japan allied with that crumb dictator from Germany and Italy?- He mentioned

-Do you think this is gonna explode into a huge war?-Alton asked, with more curiosity than fear

-I think we ought to be ready

Neil grabbed the bags- Thank you- He said to them, now pulling Alton with him into the car to go home

-Are you alright?- Alton turned to him- Did it scare you?

Neil sighed, but he was close to his kids, so he talked to Alton- Yea, I’m fine, Alt. It’s just… I thought I left wars and all that in the past.

____

Author notes: Some drama heeere and back to the prohibition business!!! Next Chapter we’ll see how things are progressing with the gang’s war against Vera!! Also, we’ll start to get deeper into the wedding planning because MC and Neil are hearing the bells and they’re tying the knot pretty sooooon! Also: Hazel is coming to Chicago, like mentioned in chapter 2!

Thank you so much for reading my fanfic!! Chapter 5 is already in progress!!

Candy, My Dear Diary (5/26/2020)

#voltage usa #speakeasy tonight #voltage inc #voltage amemix #voltage games #voltage #neil dresner #lovestruck #lovestruck voltage #vince moretti #lovestruck usa #fanfic #lovestruck fanfic #lovestruck game #amemix #speakeasy #1920s

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multi-fandomfanfics · 5 years ago

Text

Eyepatch

Dimileth

Angst and fluff

Word count: 1000

Summary: he has a good life but his kids don't what their parents had gone through.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dimitri has a wonderful life, he does his best for the people of Fodlan, he has a wife, and three (soon four) amazing kids. He loves them all equally and would do anything for them. On the rare occasions when there wasn't so much work, he could enjoy a day outside with his family, and that's what happened today. The kids were playing with swords and a training doll (with the Blaiddyd crest you never know what will happen)

And Amelie was sitting on his lap knitting, a new hobby she starts trying after Mercedes give her a scarf that surely took much time to do.

Even though until now she wasn't able to do anything else apart of knots she was learning little by little. And at his side, he had his always beautiful and amazing wife, pregnant at his side softly sleeping, or what looked like sleeping because sometimes she opened her eyes to look at the kids.

He could stay like this forever to enjoy all the kids and peaceful times like this. He saw the kids running to them with the swords it looks like they were in some kind of argument.

"They don't!"

"They do!"

"They don't!"

Finally, in front of him, the kids stopped.

"Dad! Tell Lambert the pirates exist"

"They can't exist!"

"They do! They gave dad that eye patch!"

Oh.

"Well Pirates still exist, there is in another place probably because I haven't heard of them in many years"

"See!"

"But I didn't get the eye patch because of one of them"

"You did not?"

"No, it was in a fight"

"Oh! Could you tell us more!"

The shinning in his kids' eyes was too much, he spoke to fast and without thinking

"Very well sit down then" both fastly did, he saw how Amelie looked at him and then go back to knitting, which meant she was hearing too. Byleth took his arm more firmly and moved closer resting on his shoulder, she was hearing too.

"Many years ago when a war started in Fodlan and I escaped from Faerghus I didn't have no one to rely on, I didn't know where my friends were if Dedue was alive or even if your mother was alive, I was all on my own, I get to an old cathedral to stay the night, you may not know but I was framed from murdering my uncle so I couldn't stay or go to Faerghus because of it, so I could stay in places for very little time, I had to hunt animals and find fruit to survive, it was a really horrible experience, anyway, I thought I was alone in that place, but a man was there too, a bad horrible man"

"Was he scary?"

"Very scary" Lambert gasped

"He had gross hair a horrible smile that gives me chills more than security and eyes that expressed how much he wanted to end me, at first he didn't do anything but he knew who I was and what I had done in my days in the academy and in Faerghus..."

"Did you know him?"

"I did"

"What was his name?"

"I... Don't remember right now maybe later I'll remember, after he told me all that, he told me how I shouldn't be there still living while others gave their lives for me, how nobody really cared about me, how I should just..." He looked down and felt Byleth intertwine their hands "how I should just stop being alive, he didn't had any weapon and so he took a piece of Mirror and pointed at me, I was defenseless and he could have killed me right then and there"

"But you defeat him!"

"Yes you could say that, but even though I tried my best to stop him he hit me in the eye, is not something pretty my scar"

"What happened next?!"

"I... Remembered something your mother told me...after it I could defeat him... But I couldn't kill him, sometimes I thought he was following me some other time I saw him, even now I don't know when could he come for me next"

"Will he hurt us?"

"No, he will never hurt any of you as long as I'm here" the two smiled.

"And as long as you two keep training he won't either!"

"I'm going to be as strong as you one day!"

"Me too!"

"Me too..." He heard Amelie last.

"Then give it your all in the training"

Then the night came and the kids were finally sleeping.

All that playing outside tired them out and now was their turn to sleep too. In his big comfy bed. That's what Dimitri expected, but Byleth had other plans

"Dimitri?" She sounded worried.

"Mh? What is it? Do you want something to eat? I can go to the kitchen and get you something" whatever she wants, it doesn't matter how strange does it sound.

"No, the man you talked about in the story you told the kids..."

"What about him?"

"Could it be..." He starts sweating bullets he knew his wife was smart so she probably noticed already.

"That you were that man?"

Silence.

Then a quiet sigh, he couldn't hide it from her, could he?.

"Yes..."

"So the scar, you did it yourself"

"That's right... I had many ghosts in that Moment, maybe I couldn't face them right away, I wanted to end everything once and for all... But something stopped me"

She looked puzzled.

"You, my love, I thought what would you feel if I were to die, when I got hurt you did your best to take care of me, your father dying made you cry... And I didn't want to see that ever again... So I keep myself alive... But the voices keep ringing harder and harder and... Well, you saw what happened" he felt her hand on his.

"He will not come back Dimitri, we'll make sure of it"

He believed in that.

And in fact, he never came back.

#dimitri x byleth #f!byleth x dimitri #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #dimileth #dimitri x f!byleth #dimitri fe 3h #byleth eisner #byleth #dimileth kids

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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831

When you were a kid...

Were you happy or sad when you found out your babysitter was coming? I didn’t have a babysitter. My grandparents took care of me and my siblings and cousins when we were growing up; and if they were both busy I was usually the one expected to care for everyone. Which was okay with me, since I was the most ~motherly~ one in our little group anyway.

Did you have a boyfriend in kindergarten? I studied in an all-girls school from kinder to high school. Outside of school, also no boyfriends. The boys at my neighborhood were super rowdy and hated girls, so I didn’t like hanging out with them.

Did you ever play hopscotch at school? For sure. I was a little mischievous - I would steal a bunch of chalk from the classroom so I can doodle a hopscotch court on school grounds for me and my friends to play on. I definitely wasn’t the most goody-two-shoes kid in the beginning, lol.

Did you refuse to eat your vegetables? Yeah, hated them. We have this local brand of instant noodles that have pieces of carrot in it, and I remember grouping all the tiny carrot bits at the edge of my plate. I didn’t learn to feed myself until I was around 8 or 9 though, so prior to that my elders would just include vegetables in all my meals and I’d have no choice.

What did you usually dress up as on Halloween? Some basic costume like a witch or pirate. My mom wasn’t super into Halloween and would just get us costume packs from the toy store. I wanna be the complete opposite for my kids.

What was your favorite television show? As a much younger kid I was into Hi-5. When I got a bit older I liked Pokemon, SpongeBob, The Fairly OddParents, My Life as a Teenage Robot, etc. Then when I got slightly older I started watching the real-life shows too, so like That’s So Raven, Suite Life, Drake and Josh, Zoey 101, Hannah Montana. Did you have D.E.A.R. time in school? (Drop Everything and Read) Yes, a few times each year. When I was still a bookworm it had been one of my favorite segments in school because I got to see other kids reading, which was my favorite hobby then. But by the time I was in high school and stopped reading, I remember always struggling to find a book to bring because I didn’t read anything anymore D: If I remember correctly, I think Athenna lent me most of the books I brought for DEAR time since at the time she was into John Green and YA in general. Did you ever read the 'Magic Treehouse' series? No. I googled it to see the cover, and I know as a kid it wouldn’t have interested me enough to pull it out of its shelf. How about the 'Bailey School Kids' series? Nope. Kids my age were into the Geronimo Stilton and Mr Men/Little Miss series. Do you remember the first movie you ever saw in theaters? Yes, it was a Stuart Little movie when I was maybe 3 or 4. I’m guessing it’s Stuart Little 2, because Google says it came out in 2002 and I was 4 years old then, so it checks out. Who was your best friend in elementary school? Angela was my best friend in some grades, but you know how kids are...once they vibe with someone else, they’ll hang out with them 24/7. Angela was a way more sociable kid so she got close with everyone, while I remained terrible at making friends. If she wasn’t my best friend at the time, I had no one. Did they continue to be your best friend in middle school? We don’t have middle school but I’ll guess that this is like Grade 6 and 7 for us? Anyway, no. ~Middle school~ was worse for me because this was when cliques started to form and material trends became the basis for being visible, e.g. owning a Blackberry, wearing Nike Roshes, getting side bangs lol, etc. I had none of those, so I was left behind both in terms of visibility and having friends. I only had a best friend again by the time I entered Grade 7, in which time I met Gabie and the ball started rolling from there. Did you ever watch 'The Land Before Time' movies? No, I didn’t. Did you ever watch the show 'Arthur'? I don’t think it aired here, so no. I did read Arthur books though; they were one of my favorites. Did the tooth fairy give you a lot of money? I honestly thought the tooth fairy was real. I never told my parents whenever a tooth would come out because I thought it was none of their business. That said, they just genuinely never knew to put money under my pillow because my dumbass never told them hahaha. I’ll never forget how crestfallen I was when I woke up to no money though. How often did you visit your nearest grandparents? I lived with them until I was 10. I only visited my other set of grandparents whenever my dad would come home from abroad, so I didn’t and haven’t ended up being close to them. Did you ever play with 'Little People' toys? Never heard of them but when I looked it up the toys looked familiar, so we probably did. How about Polly Pockets? Yes. Did you collect anything when you were a kid? Pokemon cards and pogs, heh. I also had my fair share of notebooks. Did you get an allowance? No, my parents didn’t teach me how money worked early on. I was a packed lunch kid until high school, and when I did ask for money I – and I’m not kidding – would only get a ₱20 bill, which was only enough to get me a tiny snack. What was your favorite sport to play? What is it now? Track, but then it shifted to table tennis when I joined the table tennis club initially out of peer pressure. What foods did you not like then that you do like now? Chicken curry, definitely. Were you into American Girl dolls? No. What was your first pet and what did you name it? It was a goldfish but I don’t remember whether I named it Goldie or Fishy, lol. Did you ever read the 'Junie B. Jones' books? No. What did you want to be when you were a kid? All the things I wante to be were astronaut, firefighter, veterinarian, and writer. What was your first word? Your first sentence? (If you remember) My parents didn’t keep track of either...I definitely would with my own kids. Have you moved into a new house since you were a kid? Yes, several times. When I was an infant we briefly lived with my dad’s parents in Manila. My mom couldn’t take the poverty and pollution there so we moved to a city in Rizal, where my mom’s parents + some extended family live in a duplex. At one point we switched houses in that duplex, and the unit that we switched to was where I lived for most of my childhood until we moved to our present house by the time I was 10. Were you friends with your neighbors? As a child, yeah. I was mostly friends with the girls though because like I said, the boys were super rowdy and sexist in that they never let us play basketball with them and stuff. Did you enjoy exploring your backyard? We didn’t have a backyard. Did you bake cookies with your grandparents? Sometimes! I would mix the dough and turn them into balls. :) What was your biggest fear when you were a kid? Flying cockroaches, because we had a lot of them in our old duplex unit. I also had an irrational fear of catching TV ads at night because I found them too loud and too vibrant. Who did you look up to most? My dad because I barely saw him as a kid. When he was lower down the ladder at his job he’d be gone six months and only stay with us for one. It wasn’t until I got to high school and he had a much higher position that he was away for only four months and home for one and a half. Did you ever play the 'Reader Rabbit' computer games? I don’t think I’ve heard of that. Did you have a swing set in your backyard? No but we had a relative who had a playground at their place, and we’d go over there often. I spent a good amount of my childhood going as high as I can on their swings. How about a sandbox? Same relative had a sandbox too! It’s my favorite part of a playground and even during playtime in school I would usually be found alone in the sandbox. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? I’m 22 and still don’t know how... Did you ever spy on your neighbors through the window? Sometimes. Our houses were very close to each other and their open window is right across the part of our house that also has an open window, so sometimes we’ll fool around and peek. Were you a teacher's pet in kindergarten? No, but I gave my teachers a reason to remember me because I was the kid that peed their underwear everyday and had to go home in shorts. I’ve always been shy and even as a kid I was unable to ask permission to go to the washroom. Did you ever build a treehouse or a fort in your yard? No, ours was too small to build anything like that. Did you ever find anything interesting in your yard? No, just different types of bugs and caterpillars. Did you ever have 'themed birthdays'? Kinda? My 7th birthday party was mostly a plain, theme-less birthday party, but so much of the decorations and giveaways were Bratz-themed because I was into Bratz at the time. Did your parents let you drink soda? They would have let me but I personally never liked it. Did you ever watch 'The Powerpuff Girls' or 'Dexter's Laboratory'? I watched Powerpuff Girls but not Dexter’s Laboratory. Did you sleep with a blanket or stuffed animal? For the most part I preferred cuddling with a pillow. Did you ever have a night light? For some points in my childhood, yeah. Ultimately, I preferred lights out though. Did you watch 'Winnie the Pooh'? Nope, just read Winnie the Pooh books. Did you ever have an imaginary friend? What was their name? I named them Katrina but I wasn’t imaginative/creative enough, so when seven minutes passed after I created her and she still wasn’t talking back to me, I gave it up haha. What kinds of games did you play with your friends during Recess? Dodgeball was a favorite. We had a big field just right outside our classroom so we’d all go out, pick our teams, and play for the whole 30 minutes. We’d do it for lunch, too. Fortunately our teachers never barred us from playing, because I guess they knew it counts as exercise for us too. Did you dream of being a princess or did you not really care about that? Not really. I wanted to be an astronaut more haha. The only princess-y things I did were to wear my blanket around my neck like a cape, and to wear a tiara on my 7th birthday party. Did you have a special name for your pacifier? What was it? No. Did you watch 'Blues Clues'? Yesssssss. I grew up with Steve and Joe. It was such a fun show to watch. What kind of car did your parents have? I don’t remember the make anymore but we had a black sedan until I was around five. It was mostly broken-down and had no aircon, but it was my dad’s first car so it was his absolute baby and I never had the heart to complain about the car’s flaws to him. He eventually sold it and we had a blue Mitsubishi Lancer after. Did you ever flush anything down the toilet by mistake? I don’t remember ever doing that, thankfully lol. Were you afraid to sleep by yourself? No, I think I was excited to start doing it. Growing up in a cramped duplex, I shared one bedroom with my entire family until I was around 9; so when we moved to our own home, I was the first one to call dibs on a bedroom. What was your favorite subject in elementary school? Language, which is a class where we were just taught basic English grammar. I loved reading as a kid and got fluent in English early on, so I was always a top student in that subject. How often did you go to the park? We don’t have parks. What was your favorite kind of cake as a kid? Chocolate cake from Red Ribbon. Did you ever want to grow up? I never actively ‘wanted’ it because I was already kinda forced to grow up early, what with all the issues happening at home and me having to shield my siblings and cousins from whatever screaming match was happening inside.

#survey #surveys

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bbyboybrock--archived · 5 years ago

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Serendipity (C.B) | Chapter 15

Summary: Serendipity: (n) the chance occurrence of events in a beneficial way

Popular youtuber Isabella Hart, known as Bella to her audience, bends over backwards to separate her youtube life from her private life. Known for her overall clean content and her bubbly attitude, Isabella has a wild side to her that only those inside the youtube community know about. When Bella meets Colby during one of the trap house parties she finally meets someone she can be her genuine self with. When trouble arises after their meeting, will Bella be able to hand the pressure or will she destroy her relationship with Colby as well as herself in the process. [This starts in 2018]

Written: 2019

Word Count: 2,882

Warnings: swearing

Serendipity Masterlist

"Colby, if you don't get out of my car and get on your flight, Sam, you, and me are not going to be happy." I sit in the drop-off area for LAX. A few people are just angry honking at me for prolonging my designated drop off time.

"I'm going, but only if I know you're going to be okay. Only if you're going to be fine while I'm gone." I look past Colby at Sam who is waiting for him outside.

Colby's been like this for a week. Sam and Colby have had this trip planned for a while, but since I nearly died last week he's been trying to push back the trip. Normally, Sam would put his best friend's feeling first and push the trip back indefinitely. But every time I heard them talking about it, I would go behind Colby's back and tell Sam that they're still going. If they don't go now they're going to run out of videos soon. I already ruined my career, and I'll be damned if I let my personal shit ruin Sam and Colby's careers too.

"Baby, it's fine. I'm a little better than I was last week. And if shit hits the fan again, I have people here who can help out. We talked about this. Don't do this to Sam."

He pauses for a second and closes his eyes, "Fine, but we'll talk a lot."

"Okay, fine. Go before Sam comes and drags you out of the car." I give Colby a quick kiss goodbye before pushing him out of the car. As soon as the door closes I lock the door before he changes his mind. I watch them go inside and quickly drive away before the airport security gets on my case.

For the past week, I've stayed at the trap house. The only ones who knew about my trip to the hospital were Sam and Colby, but whenever someone saw me in the house they would treat me like a doll. Because they assumed that I would fall apart. Considering everything that happened, they assumed right. Jake wouldn't even hang around me for the week unless someone else was in the room. Luckily for him, Colby would hardly let me out of his sight. I could only get peace in the bathroom; if I was in there for longer than 5 minutes he would panic. I know he means well, but it made everything even more overwhelming.

Yesterday Colby took me out of the house for the first time, after a lot of persuading. The whole week I didn't have a phone or my laptop. Which was fine because I was surrounded by other people and if anyone wanted to get in contact with me, they could ask Colby or come to the house. But now that I'm going back to living alone in my apartment, Colby insisted that I get a new phone. It was one of the conditions of him going on his trip. So he took me to the phone store, where I had to explain why the phone was broken and why I had to get a new number. On top of that, I had to go grocery shopping. While we were out, Colby also decided that we should eat out. Needless to say, I had enough of the outside world. I couldn't even enjoy my time because I was nervous that someone would approach me and bring up the whole leak situation.

****

I get into my apartment and lock the door. I scan the living room for a second before going into my room and collapsing on my bed. Alone at last. Besides the members of the trap house, Colby's Netflix account, and Colby the only other thing I had to keep me occupied and sane was paper and pen. I wrote a lot. You could call them poems or songs. The only reason I'm looking forward to being home alone is being about to play around with my instruments and see what comes of it. I dropped my dance and music minors last week too. They weren't as fun as I hoped and what I wanted to learn I figured I could learn on the internet instead of spending more money than I already have. Speaking of school, I'm glad that I decided to take online classes this semester. I got ahead weeks ago so all I have to do is just take it slow before everything catches up.

I stare at the ceiling for a little bit before pushing myself off my bed and dragging myself to my office. All my youtube crap is still out. My cameras, mics, and lights face a corner that hides my computer and instruments. My desk is cluttered with SD cards and my external hard drive. There are so many edited and unedited videos that I worked so hard on that are probably never going to see the light of day now. Even if I decided to go back to youtube, I can't just go back to posting the same content. It's just not me anymore.

I slowly and carefully start packing away all of my youtube gear in a box. Even if I never do any of this again, I might be able to sell or give my stuff to someone who could actually use it. As I push the box of stuff into the small closet my phone begins to ring. I slide my phone out of my pocket and quickly answer.

"Hello?" I close the closet door and drop myself to the floor. The box was heavier than I imagine.

"I was just calling you to tell you that we're about to take off. Why are you out of breath?" Colby says on the other end.

"Oh, you know... just cleaning up. I'll probably be asleep or something when you land though. Just text me. Have a safe flight, I love you."

"I love you too. I'll call you tomorrow." I end the call with Colby and go to mess around on my instruments for a few hours.

****

I sit in my car parked in front of the slap house making sure I have everything. A few days ago, after messing around on my instruments for a while, everything began to sound decent. I wondered what it would sound like with actual studio sounding music. I wanted to do it myself because I would have full control but I have no idea where to begin. Luckily, I remembered that Mike is doing just that. I asked him last night if he could teach me how to mix music on my computer.

"Hey, why are you just sitting in my driveway?" Mike says as he comes from the house.

"I'm just thinking." I grab my back and exit the car. I give Mike hug and follow him inside.

"I was surprised to hear from you actually. You've been like, dead to the world for a while."

"I didn't have a phone for a week. My number got leaked and I kind of broke my phone. Where are Kev and Aryia?" I sit down on the couch and set my bag on the floor.

"They're at work. So what did you need help with?"

"I will pay you or take you out for lunch—"

"Now I'm scared. What do you need me to do?" I ignore Mike and grab my notebook out of my bag.

"Calm down, I'm not going to ask you to murder someone for me. It's just that in the past week and the past couple of days I was messing around and— You know what? Just look." I don't know why I can't say it.

Mike takes the notebook and flips through it for a second. I sit nervously as Mike scans a few of the pages.

"Wait, is this entire notebook filled with songs?"

"I mean technically yes. The very first page is blank because it's a thing I do. Then immediately after that, I have a table of contents. Before I even began filling in the songs. I had the lyrics on sheets of paper. Then when I transferred them into the notebook I thought that I should add a little drawing based on the song. Then when I was doing the actual music part I figured that each instrument should have its own set of pages so each song is in there multiple times." I stop myself from talking too much. When I thought about fixing my songs up last night I became excited for the first time in a while.

"And what did you need my help with? Did you want to collab or something?"

"No, at least not right now. I was trying to record everything to see how it would sound together. But the way I was doing it was sloppy and time-consuming. I know you mix and make your own music. I was just wondering if you can give me some pointers. Like what program to use and how to use it. Like I said earlier, I'll pay you or take you to lunch." I stand there for a second and watch Mike consider helping me.

"I don't want your money, but I will take your offer for lunch." He takes my notebook and walks into his room. I follow quickly behind him.

****

After nearly two hours of Mike trying to teach me how to make music on my computer, we decided to go out to lunch. And because it's such a nice day out, we decided to eat outside. For once, it's not boiling or freezing. The temperature is just right. I'm not as nervous to be out in public like this. Everything should have died down a bit.

"So, what are you going to do? Become a singer?" Mike asks in between bites of his burger.

"I haven't thought about what I'm going to be doing. Right now, this is just a hobby. How are you doing? Like, really doing." I take another bite of my patty melt.

"In all honesty, I'm doing a lot better. I'm just focusing on myself and music. Jesus, I should be asking you that."

Mike and Xepher broker up not too long ago because Mike wasn't doing well mentally. He did what I tried to do with Colby. Colby, like Xepher, understood why a break was needed. But it wasn't going to work if I had to stay with Colby for a while. He would have gladly taken the couch if I told him I didn't feel comfortable with him sleeping next to me. But Mike and Xepher had a clean break, meaning no contact what so ever. That would have worked for us too because I scared Colby shitless.

"I'm okay. I moped around for a week, so I'm forcing myself to do other things. Which explains all of this." I finish my patty melt and just sip on my shake.

"Don't push yourself too much. Where's Colby?" Mike eats a couple fries on my plate.

"Colby is somewhere in the world doing illegal shit with Sam. I have all of his information on my phone in case of emergencies, but I highly doubt I'll need it."

"Those two are fucking lucky." Mike and I joke around and talk about random topics a bit more.

While Mike and I get back on the topic of music, I feel something ice-cold suddenly be poured on my head. I jump up and keep my head down to avoid whatever is on my head from dripping into my eyes. I slowly stand up and turn around to find two girls with empty cups in their hands laughing. One of them has her phone in her hand.

"What the fuck was that for?" Mike asks walking next to me.

"You looked a little thirsty there, we thought we could help you a bit." One of the girls with long, dark brown hair says. Her friend with short red hair cackles like the witch she is.

"I didn't know prostitutes worked during the day? What's the matter, went broke after losing all of your sponsorships?" Said the witch.

"You—"

"Mike, drop it. They're not worth it." I put my arm out to stop Mike from making things worse.

The server walks out and to see what the commotion is. I go in my bag, grab two twenty dollar bills and put it on the table. It's more than our food cost but at this point, I don't care. I grab my bag and grab Mike's hand and high tail it out of there. The whole time I bite my tongue to keep myself from crying. The whole time we are walking away, tweedle dee and tweedle bitch follow us yelling insults. I let go of Mike and turn around to face them.

"Will you please leave us alone? I've literally done nothing to you two." My efforts to not cry in front of them falter as tears escape me.

"I think us having to see your fat naked ass all over the internet counts as torture. If you wanted to be relevant again, there are so many other things you could have done."

"You shouldn't believe everything you see online. And you really shouldn't talk about things you don't understand." I stop myself from yelling at them and walk off.

"Stop following her or we'll call the police for harassment," Mike says before following me.

I don't even know where I'm going. I can't go to my car, the seat will be sticky and a mess. Can't just walk back to mine or Mike's place, they're too far from where we are. Eventually, I stop walking and crouch down in the middle of the sidewalk crying. I had a slightly bad feeling about today when I woke up. I brushed it off as paranoia and left. Everything was going so well today that I let my guard down. I should have listened to my gut.

"Isabella, come on. Let's sit here for a second." Mike helped me up and took me to a bench.

"L-let's just go," I say trying to wipe my tears. I'm really sticky.

"Wait here for a second." Mike runs off towards the shops.

While waiting I touch the top of my head. One of the things that was poured on me was definitely a juice. The other feels like a smoothie. Those dumb bitches really spent money to pour two good drinks on my head. Or maybe they bought those drinks to enjoy but then wasted them. Either way, it's ridiculous.

Mike comes back with a CVS bag. He sets the bag between us and starts pulling things out. He pulls out a couple of big water bottles and some wipes.

"Take off your shoes, I'll clean them. Here take the water bottles and rinse out your hair or something." I kick off my shows and hand them to Mike. I stand up and walk a little bit away from the bench and start pouring the water over my head. A few seconds later a familiar ring tone fills the silence. Mike digs in my bag and looks at it. He sees that I can't answer it and takes it upon myself to answer my phone.

"Hey, Colby... Yeah, it's Mike... Izzy? She can't come to the phone right now... Why do I have her phone? That's a long story... That's also a long story—" I take the phone from Mike and brace myself before putting the phone to my ear.

"Hey, babe, what's up? Aren't you supposed to be breaking into bandos right now?" Hopefully, Mike didn't make things sound suspicious.

"Sam and I finished earlier than we thought and I wanted to surprise you but everyone is too busy to pick us up. Getting an uber to the airport is nearly impossible. Are you busy?"

"I was hanging out with Mike but I was just about to drop him off. I can be there in half an hour."

"I don't want to rush you, we can find another way home."

"Trust me, it's fine. I'll see you soon." I hang up before Colby could ask questions. I give Mike a look for answering the phone.

"I'll go with you and drive. I had nothing planned for today." Mike says as he cleans my shoes.

"You don't have to. I'm fine. It's fine. Everything is fine. It was a momentary setback, but all is good."

Mike looks at me with sad eyes. I smile at him and finish dumping the bottles at me and slip my shoes on.

****

I dropped off Mike and went to the airport to pick up Sam and Colby. I could tell by the look on their faces that Mike told them. I had changed, Mike bought me some clothes while he was at CVS and changed before leaving, and my hair was mostly dry. I was hoping that it would look like I went to the beach. Luckily, neither Sam or Colby mention the incident. I drop Sam off and bring Colby to my apartment, per his request, and spend the rest of the say with him. He doesn't mention it for the rest of the night.

#colby #colby brock #colby fan fic #colby fanfic #colby fan fiction #colby fanfiction #colby brock fan fic #colby brock fanfic #colby brock fanfiction #colby brock fan fiction

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