#I remember the state of tumblr when the finale came out and I didn’t use the app that week

[drasticemotions]

tiktok is actually testing me with these angsty ass dastiel edits like let me live!!!! let me be happy!??

[remarcely]

Based off this Tumblr prompt I made

Bruce's chest slowly rose and fell with each steady breath. He was still in bed, watching the orange glow spread out across the ceiling and down the wall as the day proceeded the dawn. He probably had a few minutes before Alfred came knocking at his door to wake him as he’d done for the last week. He was concerned, though he was yet to voice his worries, and understandably so.

Ever since Bruce had woken up in the past, gasping for breath and clutching his chest, he had spent his days sat on the ground at Jason's grave. He wouldn’t eat unless Alfred brought him food, he wouldn’t speak unless Alfred asked, and he hadn’t even approached the cave, let alone touch the Bat suit.

He’d had the misfortune to be brought back to the aftermath of Jason's death. It had been a couple months after the explosion. Dick was in Bludhaven, making a point not to speak to Bruce under any circumstances, and, while Alfred remained, he was grieving himself. It was all a mess and Bruce couldn’t help but remember his own faults the first time. He’d pushed his only other child away and pushed himself until it took Timothy, a child, to tell him to get his act together. Even then, the damage had lasted long into the future and had created cracks in the very foundation of Bruce’s relationship with his children.

Bruce knew things would change and that Jason would return, but that didn’t make waking up to him gone any easier to bear. He didn’t know when his son would claw his way out of the grave. It wasn’t something an older Jason had cared to speak about, the mention of his death was enough to end all conversations.

With no date to go off from, Bruce stared at the headstone until Alfred came to drag him back inside Manor. Sometimes he talked to the open air, pretending Jason could hear him through the coffin’s walls and tightly packed dirt, other days he remained silent and just waited. It was a morbid kind of peace that he found there, comforted by the whistling wind and gentle breeze. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine Jason sitting there with him.

-

There were forty-two unread messages on Dicks phone. Three were from his coworkers asking for his help on their cases, twelve were from his therapist asking him if he was coming back for another appointment after he’d run out of the last one. There were several from Bruce, almost seven months old which he had no intention of reading- there was nothing that man could say that would be worth Dicks time. Nineteen were shared between Clark and other JLA members, asking if he’d been able to contact Batman for the last week.

The final lone text was from Alfred; short and succinct.

Alfred:

Please come to the Manor, he is getting worse.

As much as Dick resented Bruce, he had been relieved when Alfred alerted him to a change for the better in the man’s state. He’d been terrified that his black suit and dress shoes would see another use that year. To hear that there had been such a sudden downwards turn, when Bruce had been gradually improving, was more than concerning. Though he didn’t want to admit it, Dick was scared. Scared enough to respond to Alfred message and more than scared enough to catch a train back to Gotham the next morning.

“Master Dick,” Alfred smiled at him when he opened the door, ushering the young man inside. He took his coat, taking no arguments from Dick when he’d insisted that he could do it himself, and pulled him into a quick but tight hug “You have no idea how glad I am to see you, dear boy.”

Dick doesn’t say that he’d missed him too, even though he wanted to, and walked with Alfred further into the Manor “Where is he?” He’d returned for Bruce’s benefit, but that didn’t mean he was prepared to talk to the man.

“Ah.” Alfred sighed and wavered in his stride “I am afraid that’s quite the issue I contacted you about.”

“Is he in the cave?”

“No, rather the opposite. He hasn’t worn the suit for over a week now, neither has he reached out to those teammates of his for someone to take on the role.” He wiped at the side of his face in pure exhaustion, looking painfully older in that moment “Every morning, Master Bruce has refused to be anywhere but Master Jason's grave.”

An invisible hand grasped Dicks lungs tight and his breath released in a strangled wheeze. Alfred sent him a pitying glance, patting him on the back to console him.

“I have tried to bring him back inside, Miss Kyle visited yesterday and tried as well, but have had no luck. He leaves shortly after dawn and will only come back inside in the early hours of the next day.”

“What makes you think I’ll be able to do it then?”

“Young Master, I think you underestimate how much a word from you will mean to him.” Alfred looked away, a faraway look in his eyes “I had tried my best with him when he was a child, but he is a stubborn creature. Since you were as small as nine years old, one request from you would break through his worst moods. I know you do not consider him your father, Master Dick, but he does view you as his son.”

Dick sighed “I’ll try Alfie but I can’t promise anything.”

“Very well, Master Dick.” The old man softly smiled and continued to walk to the kitchen “It is almost lunchtime. After you’ve eaten, I’ll give you a wrapped meal to take out to Bruce. He has been uninterested in eating unless I bring the food to him.”

Read More Here

Tags for people who asked: @jareicanon @yellow-but-depressed @chaoticneutralgood2627 @lostonehero @shinydmoon @justabilingualchileangirl @greenfrogartist @weiyjling @an-android-child @cyrajack7 @pocketwatch56 @demitimelord42 @youllnevertaketheskyfromme @commanderantilles @whatevernamei @ode777 @symmetricalastigmatism @ryzanecrow @realifezompire @real-evil-genius @sanjideservesbetter @firelilyfoxsstuff @tigercrossbow @rubber-ducky-your-the-one @geekonaleash @braveheartinthedark @ark12 @sapphire363 @ambriel-angstwitch @gessec @louzxv @cluelessducky @coffeeshopdragons @s-ourbuns @jesterraconteuse @disco-wyrm @demonhen @thenocturnalreadingotaku @nightlore106 @hesztia16 @rusty-lake-resident @jellyamour @themiraculousec @robertdowneyhiddlesbatch @wolflit10 @sketchiethebear @regle-side2 @mossy-bonez @thatawkwardman @forget-me-ghost @stellarnathy @mintmont @leafsheep @meigalaxy @trampledupon @yeetus-feetus @searchingforthelamps that was so much longer than I expected

[batsyspooks]

hi y’all!!

i’m experimenting on tumblr and wanted to post my first bathena fic. please let me know how i did, i want feedback (all is welcome, i wanna improve!) i just love soft bathena and have had this idea floating around for a while! thanks!!

‘I just need you.’

Bobby was exhausted. A 48 hour shift, dealing with 4 fires, 3 car accidents and a helicopter crash - he was more than ready to shower and fall into bed, or maybe just falling into bed. The shower could wait.

Locking his truck, he walked almost zombie-like to his apartment building, bringing out his phone just as he got inside.

‘Just got home, I’ll call you after I get some sleep. I love you.’

Satisfied with the message, he hit send and made his way up the stairs, knowing Athena would be asleep by now. After all, she was recovering from her own 24 hour shift, one he heard was just as tiring.

A small smile appears on his face when he thinks about her, his fiancé. Someone he never thought he’d have, let alone get to love so damn much. She was his everything and as much as that terrified him, it brought him an immense feeling of comfort.  His strong Sergeant, a badass woman who could make him buckle over with one look. May commented once that he has ‘heart eyes’ when he looks at her Mom. Like the emoji. (She then had to explain what an emoji was and how to use them.) He chuckled slightly at the memory as he came round the corner to his floor. A sigh of relief followed as he pulled his keys out and slid them into the lock, before entering his home.

Kicking off his shoes, dropping his bag and slipping off his jacket he finally, finally walked over to his room but was startled slightly when he pushed the door open.

Athena was sleeping in his bed.

Panic washed over him as he tried to remember if he missed something. Date night? No, he was working. Then those thoughts creeped into his mind. Was she hurt? The kids? Did something happen to Harry? Or to May? Bobby pulled his phone out, just to double check he hadn’t missed any messages from her in his tired state, but nothing about the kids or any injuries.

‘The kids are fine, baby.’

Bobby jumped at the sound of her voice, his eyes darting up to meet her as she sat up slowly and he noticed she was wearing one of his old t-shirts. ‘T-they are? What about-‘

‘I’m okay too, Bobby.’ Athena patted the bed, silently instructing Bobby to come sit. ‘Promise.’

Bobby looked at her like he didn’t believe her, sitting down he let his eyes run over her face, neck and arms, quietly checking for any bruising or cuts and once satisfied his eyes met hers, knowing she was waiting for him to be done. Athena knew Bobby better by now to know he needed to check for himself. Something that would at one time, infuriate her. Whenever Michael use to question her, she would get mad or defensive, annoyed at the fact she was made out to be lying. Bobby was different though, she liked the fact that he cared enough to look a little deeper. Maybe it was because she knew he truly cared for her and not just because she was the mother to Michaels kids. But because she was her own person, and that, made her all mushy inside, another feeling that only Bobby could do to her.

‘I missed you.’ Athena started, ‘It was a rough shift and the house is empty this week with the kids staying at their Dads. I knew you had a shift and a half too, so I thought me coming here would be the best option.’

‘I love that you’re here.’ Bobby replied, truthfully. ‘I missed you too, so much.’

With that, she brought her hand around his neck, pulling him down to her so she could finally kiss her man. Bobby eagerly returned the kiss, his own arms wrapping around her middle, shivering slightly as the warmth of her body came into contact with his. He laid her down, settling over her as they continued to kiss, both of her arms around his neck, not letting him move too much - just enjoying him where he is right now.

After a few minutes, Bobby pulled back to look down at her and a smile crept across his face. ‘You’re beautiful, Athena. So, so beautiful.’

He kissed her again, slipping off his jeans while she pulled off his top. Her hands roaming his bare chest as he settled closer to her again. They were far too exhausted to let it go any further, but right now they just enjoyed this. Something they didn’t get to do very often, with their work schedules or with Athena having the kids, being alone with Bobby was something she never took for granted.

‘Do you need anything?’ Bobby questioned as he rolled next to her, pulling her with him. Athena settled her head on his chest, while he pulled her leg over his hip, letting his hand linger.

Athena shook her head, her eyes getting heavy again. ‘Just you, Bobby.’ Her eyes finally shut again, but she managed to press a kiss to his chest before finding her position against him once more. ‘I just need you.’

[jadedwolf18-blog]

Mini Phantom Invasion.

Hi, I plan for this to be a series of inter connected one shots based on some of my favorite prompts. I’m a huge Tim Drake/Red Robin x Danny phantom shipper, so for now most of my fics will feature them. Once I’ve end this series, I’ll try branching out to other relationships Danny could have with the bats.

I can’t remember where I got all of them but I’ll try to tag as I find them. If anyone notices a prompt or plot they’ve seen please let me know or tag the person it came from. I’m knew to posting on Tumblr so I’m still getting used to how to tag and insert links. Thank you.

🤍🖤💚💙💚🖤🤍

Chapter 1

Danny was not having a good day. He’d had a fight with his parents about ghost hunting, stating clearly that he had no interest in their bias views on an entire species based on one encounter when they were young. It had escalated to the point where they blamed his lack of interest on the fact that he was spending to much time with his sister and his female friends. 

He’d had enough! He left mid argument and was contemplating just packing up and moving into the Ghost Zone permanently. As he’d slammed the door he could hear his parents shouts for him to come back and once again blaming his behaviour on a ghost.

What did his sexuality have to do with ghost hunting? And what was wrong with wanting to be more feminine sometimes? He honestly didn’t understand why they found it so weird or wrong for him to swap between genders and pronouns? Jazz, Sam and Tucker accepted him as he was, they didn’t but an eye when he would randomly say ‘she’, ‘they’ or ‘him’, they just continued the conversation with the new pronoun and that was that. They understood and accepted that sometime he felt male or female or neither. He was lucky to have them. 

The day just seemed to continue down hill from there. It was summer vacation so Sam was forced to spend time with her parents at some rich holiday resort, Tucker had won a spot in some sort of tech camp and Jazz was still at College working on a finals thesis and was unable to come back for the summer. He was essentially alone for the summer. He could hang out with Val but she was working a lot and he didn’t want to bother her. He still felt guilty about her dad losing his job, even if it wasn’t entirely his fault.

*****

After leaving the house he’d found a place to transform and let the cool rings of light soothe him and took off into the sky. After finding out they could survive in space it became their favourite way to relax, they’d spend ours exploring space, even hang out on the moon. Thank you high speed and portal powers. Their Phantom form had changed in the last two years. People could no longer tell if they were male or female and he looked less human now. Thankfully, they looked nothing like their alternate future self. When their legs melded together their ghostly tail looked more eel like and their ears were longer and thiner, resembling delicate fins. Jazz and their friends had joked about how the acted like cat ears. Lastly their face was now a pale mint color, almost white and translucent, his eyes were still the same luminous ecto-green with deep blue pupils. The only similarity to Dan, that they could see, were the fangs and longer hair both of which were also present in their human form.

*****

They had been flying around Amity, a somewhat lazy patrol of his claimed haunt, it was a calm night. Ever since they had defeated Pariah Dark the other ghost had calmed down and came to Amity less frequently. A few still came to bug them, namely Skulker, Ember, Johny and Kitty. Young Blood and Boxy more frequently than the others and of course Cujo came by often. Their visits were more to do with fulfilling their obsessions than anything else. Danny’s obsession was Space but so was Protection. They needed to fulfil both to some extent or suffer from a form of ghost hunger. It was a win win situation even if they did go back… home? Was it really still a home? 

Before they could go down that dark spiral again their instincts took over and they narrowly dodged a bright green shot that had been aimed at their head. Whirling around and flying higher out of range they looked at their attacker and just stared.

“of course it’s them.” They muttered. Before repeating it with more venom than they thought they were capable of. Which was shocking because not even Vlad had receive as much hatred in the entirety of the time they’ve known him than in that split second they felt it towards their own parents. “Of fucking course it’s them!”

They blink away the shock of such an intense emotion and huffed. Not even bothering to acknowledge them they turned around to leave. That had been a mistake. They’d barely made it a few paces before pain bloomed across their back as an Eco-blast shredded the fins on their lower back and bit deep into their flesh. They bit back a cry of shock as they felt themselves plummet from the sky. It took a moment but they gathered enough concentration to open a portal. He didn’t care where they ended up as their only thought was ‘Somewhere safe.’

They fell through and just before they lost consciousness, they heard their parents yell after him.

“Get back here you ghost scum, so we can rip you apart molecule by molecule!”

“We won’t forgive you for corrupting our Danny!”

‘Of course… It’s always Phantoms fault…’ Danny’s world turned black as he continued to fall. Maybe when they opened their eyes again all of it would have been a dream.

*****

Somewhere in the infinite green a Grandfather clock chimed. A screen flickered. Time flowed on.

“All is as it should be.”

Chapter 2

(I'm Not A Cynic Song by Alec Benjamin)

Danny pulled their little floating ducks out of their personal pocket dimension and set them to gently drift in the hot spring. They had found it while wandering the forest. Their lower back still ached and they were a little worried about how it hadn’t healed completely yet.

*****

They didn’t know where they were or how long they had been in this dimension but they were safe and alone for the time being. When they’d woken up, the first thing they did was try to figure out where they were. thankfully no-one had discovered them, tucked away in the underbrush of the forest they had landed in. They’d let invisibility wash over them and flew high enough to get a view of the land. They recognised asian architecture and flew in the direction they had spotted a small farming village. With a closer look they determined they had landed in some version of Japan. Instinctually they knew they were not in their home dimension. Everything, even the air and feel of the atmosphere felt slightly shifted to the left. It was like that feeling of entering a hotel room, they were all essentially the same but there were the little details that told you it was a different hotel. 

*****

Brushing the thought, and everything associated with the reason they were injured and alone in a foreign dimension, aside. They coiled their tail in the centre of the spring and sank down until their lower back was submerged in the healing warmth of the spring. Closing their eyes in content they began to hum. Their eyes shot open when they felt a gentle nudge against his arm but smiled gently at the little wisp as it bobbed and drifted in the breeze. They continued to hum and watched in amusement as more joined the first. The little orbs of light ranged in color from soft pale blues to vibrant greens and warm reds, oranges and yellows.

They lost themselves in their song as they twirled in and played with the water, creating little floating ice crystals that caused mist to form around them as hot and cold air danced around each other. Humming soon gave way to words as they swayed to the rhythm only they could hear. 

“I'm just bein' realistic, bein' honest with myself

I've tried bein' optimistic but it doesn't seem to help

So I'll just have to admit this is the hand that I've been dealt

I'm not bein' pessimistic, just bein' honest with myself”

They were thankful to Pandora, who had taught them to sing in an effort to train his ghostly wail, for realising he was taking on the form and habits of a triton. 

“I'm not a cynic, oh, today's just not my day

I've tried to spin it 'bout a thousand different ways

But from every angle, oh, the outlook is the same

I swear that I'm not a cynic, my glass just has no water in it today”

They poured all the hurt, betrayal, anger and loneliness into their voice, allowing them to release it all in a more melodic call than his previous wail. That, as pandora explained, had been an unhealthy burst of emotion and they were lucky they hadn’t blown out their vocal cords the last few times they used it. 

“I swear that I'm not a cynic, my glass just has no water in it”

Through their practice they found they could influence emotions but not out right control them. They were glad, influencing them was bad enough, he didn’t want to manipulate anyone. They didn’t want to spend their life wondering if the people around them truly cared or if they had somehow manipulated them into caring. They may me a budding empath but they still struggled to tell the difference between a sincere emotion and a projected emotion.

“You only get that which you're given, it's not always up to you

Not every Sunday is a picnic 'cause the sky ain't always blue

You can't just change the weather by changing your point of view

Some days you have to wait until the storm just passes through”

Danny’s voice grew louder as their emotions poured out into the lyrics. They knew they still had their friend, their sister, Elle and everyone in the Infinite Realm. They were also the Half Ghost son of ghost hunters and scientist with a heavy bias against Ecto-entities. They will be the rulers of an entire realm in only a few short years.

“I'm not a cynic, oh, today's just not my day

I've tried to spin it 'bout a thousand different ways

But from every angle, oh, the outlook is the same

I swear that I'm not a cynic, my glass just has no water in it today”

They gave a bitter sweet smile as they watched the wisps duck and weave between the ice crystals. They looked around for their ducks and their smile turned a little more sad as they waved their hand and the little ducks joined the dancing lights and crystals. Each one was modelled after his favourite comic book vigilante. They’d had to save them from the dump truck once, they’d been looking for them when he’d asked his parents, their father had made an off hand comment about how he should throw out old toys and they’d panicked. They’d manage to find and save them all just before the truck arrived.

“So like a boat on the ocean, I'll rock with the waves

God, I'm so sick of this notion that I have to fake

Fake my emotions and pretend I'm okay

So like a boat on the ocean, I'll just rock with the waves”

Jazz had bought them for them, after they had told her about being gender fluid and pan, they were probably one of their most treasured possessions. Jazz had gone on a whole spiel about how it’s important that she show support and provide a safe and understanding environment. They hadn’t been listening, they’d been crying. To caught up in their overflowing emotions and happiness. It lasted a day, their parents had been less than understanding, with their passive-aggressive comments and actions. 

“I'm not a cynic, oh, today's just not my day

I've tried to spin it 'bout a thousand different ways

But from every angle, oh, the outlook is the same

I swear that I'm not a cynic, my glass just has no water in it today”

Their frown returned. They had shot them, that in itself wasn’t unusual, as Phantom. Isn’t that a sad thought. What was was that there had been no prior warning. It was a sniper shot, from their mother. Only their heightened hearing and instinct had saved them from ending up dead dead instead of a Halfa. That bothered him

“I swear that I'm not a cynic, my glass just has no water in it today”

They returned to humming the last notes of their song as the dunked under the water to rinse off. They popped back up and gathered their ducks, floated up out of the spring and laughed as the wisps twirled around him. They landed on the ground, allowing their legs to form and walked off into the forest, dancing lights trailing after them. Completely unaware of their watchers.

*****

The shadows slunk away to report their findings. While two birds hesitantly returned to their temporary nest, One worried and wanting to help the being that reminded him so much of his younger siblings. The other having felt a connection to a being that had shared similar experiences, someone they wanted to help and if they wanted to end the beings loneliness… that was no one’s business but their own. Both slept little that night, both determined to find the being again and offer what they could to help.

*****

@im-totally-not-an-alien-2

@alinmenttreasure

@blackroserelina

@blacksea21090

@seraphinedemort

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 45

You, Joel and Ellie make your way into Salt Lake City. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-44 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Mild canon-typical violence. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 5.4K

“I’m just realizing,” you said as you walked alongside Joel and Ellie. “I was not very well traveled before the outbreak.” 

“You’d made it a few places,” Joel frowned a little. “Got out of your hometown and shit, more than you can say for most people…” 

Ellie frowned, too. 

“Wait,” she said. “Most people would really just… stay in one place? Even when they could leave?” 

“Oh yeah,” Joel said. “Most people just stuck where they were. I moved to a different town from where I was born but same state. Doc made it a lot further than me.” 

You shrugged. 

“Just for college,” you said. “The point is, this is the furthest west that I’ve ever been. How strange is that? That it took me until the end of the world to get to this side of the country…” 

“But you had planes!” Ellie gaped at you both. “You could go in the sky and you just didn’t? What the fuck, man?” 

You and Joel both laughed at that. 

It had been one of Ellie’s better days. She was rabidly curious, asking about a million questions as you closed in on Salt Lake City. Judging by the mile markers, you only had one more night of sleeping on the road before you made it to the Fireflies’ facility - assuming this one wasn’t abandoned too, anyway - and it had been a really good last day on the road. 

The thought was strangely bittersweet, a sense of finality to your looming arrival in the city. You wanted to get Ellie to the Fireflies. You wanted to start work on a cure. It had been so long since you’d been in a lab now, part of you was itching to get back into it. Hell, getting back to doing anything but the minimum when it came to medicine sounded incredible. 

But you didn’t want to change anything about your time with Joel and Ellie. You’d even be fine living on the road forever if it meant the three of you got to be together all the time. The Firefly compound was an unknown. You weren’t sure if they would LET you stay together - though you doubted Joel would let them separate you. But if their doctors wanted to keep Ellie in a contained environment for a while to make sure she didn’t come down with anything while they drew samples, you weren’t going to push back on them. You’d come too far to quibble over something so small. But you still dreaded it, not being with them all the time. 

It reminded you a little of the feeling in your stomach when you first started adjusting to the QZ with Andrew. You’d become so used to functioning with him glued to your side, constantly watching each other’s backs for danger and killing to keep the other alive, even a room’s distance was disorienting and anxiety inducing. The makeshift medical camp was a rude awakening when you’d arrived, that much you knew even though your memories of it were vague at best. You remembered arriving to the QZ, your arms firmly around Andrew’s waist and his arm around your shoulders, clutching onto each other. You were covered in blood, your shotgun dangling from your arm. They’d had to pry you apart to examine you both and it was like someone was ripping away a part of your body. You’d tried to ease yourselves into some separation after that. Different rooms for a bit, a few hours in different buildings after that. It took months to sleep apart. 

You didn’t think it would be that extreme this time. You knew better what to expect, for one. For another, you’d all been living with the damage dealt by surviving the end of the world. Ellie had been born into it. Who Joel was now was forged in it. You, it seemed, had just melted into it, who you were finding little paths through the chaos like water through cracks in cement. You would all get through this differently, but you could get through it. That you knew. 

It also helped that Jackson was waiting on the other side. You weren’t sure how long it would take to get there, but you’d get there. There was a house with a room that Ellie could make her own - you’d paint her a solar system in a corner and constellations on the ceiling. There was a kitchen where you could make the cookies you’d been baking for so long you had the recipe memorized. There was a porch where Joel could play guitar. There were kids Ellie’s age she could meet and laugh with and maybe fall in love with the way she deserved to. There were people to play cards with and drink with and have inside jokes with. There was life there, life that was worth living outside of just the three of you. 

You just had to get there. That’s all. 

“Flying wasn’t that special, Gremlin,” you said smiling a little. “It was expensive and they tried to cram in as many people as possible so they made as much money as they possibly could. And you had to get to the airport hours early so they could search all your stuff… Really, it was a hassle.” 

“Is that why people didn’t do it?” She frowned. “Go places, I mean.” 

“Travel cost a lot of money,” Joel said. “More than most people had just lyin’ around. Stayin’ home was a lot easier and a lot cheaper.” 

Ellie scrunched her face. 

“Everyone acts like before was so fucking great but a lot of it sounds shitty,” she said. “Why make it so not everyone can do the cool shit? That’s dumb.” 

“I agree,” you smiled a little. 

“I hope it’s better this time,” she kicked a piece of asphalt. “Once there’s a cure, I mean. Like I know it’ll take a while and shit, they’re going to have to make the thing and then give it to everyone and whatever but I hope they don’t keep the shitty stuff from before.” 

Joel looked skeptical so you jumped in before he had a chance to. 

“We’ve never had a chance to kind of reset humanity before,” you said. “We might be able to make things way better than they ever were before. Who knows.” 

“That’d be cool,” she nodded. “Then at least it’s not like all this shit was for nothing, you know?  Like… yeah, it was all really fucked up for a while and people did really messed up things to each other but in the end, we did something good with it. You know?” 

“Yeah,” you smiled at her a bit. “I do.” 

The three of you called it a day about 15 miles from Salt Lake City. You knew if you kept walking for a bit that you’d probably find a house to stay in for the night but Joel seemed to have the same mindset as you. One more night, the three of you, camped out on the road. You’d be with the Fireflies tomorrow night, in a place with a roof and beds and doors, but the sky was clear and the weather was - relatively - warm. One last night under the sky, just the three of you, before the world changed. 

Joel built a fire and Ellie shot a rabbit. You got the last of the herbs you’d grabbed from Bill and Frank’s to dress the animal up a bit, making it feel like something special. You played poker around the fire, Ellie cleaning out both you and Joel. 

“If Vegas is ever a thing again, you need to go,” you said as you got the cards picked up. “You’d ruin the casinos’ day.” 

“Should start a poker night in Jackson,” Joel said. “She’d hustle half the damn town before anyone got wise….” 

You convinced Joel to sleep through the night and let you and Ellie split the watch - something you were counting as a win. He’d been pushing himself too hard since you’d left the cabin. It had taken you just over a week to get this far and he’d pulled two all night watches in that time and covered at least half of all the others.  You weren’t sure if it was paranoia, if it was fulfilling some need to look out for the two of you until he physically couldn’t do it anymore, if he had a bad feeling and he was doing everything he could to defend against the source of it. He wasn’t talking to you about it so you were just trying to keep an eye on him the best you could. He was more fragile than he looked, you knew. You’d wait until you were safely with the Fireflies and had some time alone before you really tried to get anything out of him. 

But letting you and Ellie handle the watches without him was a change. You hoped it meant he was doing better, that he was starting to feel like he could relax. You pressed yourself against his front as he headed to his sleeping bag for the night, reaching up to scratch your fingers through his beard before tugging his lips to yours. His arms slug around your waist and he pulled you close and you smiled against his lips. 

“What’s that for?” He asked when you pulled away eventually. 

You shrugged. 

“Just love you is all,” you said. 

“Love you too,” he kissed your forehead. “Wake me up the second you think somethin’ might be wrong, got it?” 

“I promise I won’t try to handle a damn thing all on my own,” you rolled your eyes a bit and he lay down beside the fire to sleep. 

The watch was quiet and still, nothing raising any alarms for you, even when you took the short walks around the perimeter of your little camp. It was pushing 4 a.m. when Ellie started jerking in her sleeping bag. You frowned, watching her for a moment to see if it passed. It didn’t, her thrashing getting worse as she whimpered. You knelt beside her and set the rifle out of reach before you gently touched her arm. 

“Ellie,” you said quietly, calmly. “You’re OK Baby Girl, you’re OK…” 

She jerked awake and shot upright, throwing your hand sharply away. She was panting and gasping for breath, her eyes wide and glistening with tears in the light of the moon and the dying fire. She looked at you for a moment before it was like something in her cracked and she choked out a sob, her head falling onto your shoulder. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” you said softly, putting your arms around her and tucking her head beneath your own. “You’re OK, I’ve got you. You’re OK…” 

“It felt so real,” she hiccuped into your neck. “I thought…” 

“It’s OK,” you said when she trailed off. “You’re OK, I’ve got you. You’re safe. We’ve got you, not going to let anything happen to you, OK? You’re safe.” 

She nodded but tucked herself tighter against you. You just held onto her, rocking her as her sobs faded. 

“Want to talk about it?” You asked when her breathing had returned to a normal pace and it felt like her tears were no longer soaking your shirt. “It might help. I’m here for you, you can tell me anything. I’ll even keep it from Joel if you really want…” 

She pulled back from you a little, looking you in the eyes. 

“Yeah?” She sniffed. “Because I know it’ll just hurt him and….” She sighed heavily. “I really don’t want to hurt him.” 

“He’d much rather you talk to him than hold onto all that hurt yourself, Baby Girl,” you tucked some of the hair that had escaped her ponytail behind her ear. “But I don’t have to tell him if you don’t want me to.” 

She looked over at Joel who was snoring lightly, his deaf ear facing up as he lay on his side. 

“You could bring a marching band through here right now and I doubt he’d hear,” you smiled a little at her. “It’s OK. What’s bothering you?” 

Ellie’s eyes searched yours for a moment before she took a deep breath, looked down at her hands and began. 

“Back at Silver Lake. After…” she said, taking another shuddering breath. “After they took you away, David… He tried talking to me, saying shit about how he thought I was dangerous. Said he wanted to fuckin’ lead with me, that I had… that I had a ‘violent heart.’” 

She put the last two words in air quotes, all but spitting them out. You took her face in your hand and stroked her cheekbone with your thumb. She sniffed. 

“He said he’d call off the hunt for Joel and let you go if I cooperated with him and I thought about it…” 

“Oh honey,” you touched your forehead to hers as she stared at her lap. “We aren’t your responsibility…” 

She nodded a little and you sat back from her a little. 

“I knew you’d say something like that,” she laughed once, darkly. “Knew Joel’d be pissed that I even considered it… So I broke David’s fucking finger instead.” 

You laughed once and smiled a little. 

“Good girl,” you said. She looked a little proud of that. 

“They didn’t like that so…” she took another shaky breath and stiffened a bit, her small hands clenching into fists. “They tried to kill me, like they were going to eat me… I bit David, told him I was infected, used my scar…” 

“That was so smart, Baby Girl,” you said when she felt quiet. “You did so damn good…” 

“He didn’t really believe me,” she shrugged. “Not after a minute. I… I killed the man he was with and ran and he followed me and… Doc, he…” 

She swallowed a sob and your hand slid from her face to the back of her neck, holding her gently. 

“It’s OK sweetheart,” you said softly. “You’re OK…” 

“He tried…” she choked on the words for a moment. “He said he was going to keep me, that he liked the fighting…” 

“Oh honey,” you were trying not to cry for her, for this girl you should have been there to protect and instead you let them take you away from her. 

“I killed him,” she sniffed, meeting your eyes for the first time since she’d started talking. “Before he could do anything, I… I more than killed him. He didn’t have a face anymore and it… I…” 

You tugged her against you and she pressed her face into your shoulder as you rocked her gently, running one hand up and down her back. 

“You’re OK now,” you said softly as you held onto her. “You’re safe. It’s OK…” 

She cried there for a minute before she pulled back from you again. You held her face in your hand, drying her tears with your thumb. 

“None of that is your fault, OK?” You said gently. “You did what you had to do - what they MADE you do - to protect yourself. There was nothing you could have done. It was always up to them. They were monsters and you did what you have to do to monsters and that’s OK.” 

She nodded and wiped her face with her shirtsleeves. 

“Doc?” She said, her voice wet. 

“Yes, Baby Girl?” 

“What if…” her voice broke for a moment. “What if part of me… liked it? Liked hurting him? Because… I…” 

She trailed off but kept her eyes on you, wide and pleading. 

“That’s OK,” you said quietly. “It’s OK if protecting yourself made you feel good. That’s OK. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you liked hurting an actual bad person who deserved whatever you did to them and more. OK?” 

She sniffed and nodded and she leaned forward, against you. 

“I don’t want to do that again,” she sniffed. “I really fucking don’t…” 

“I know,” you said softly, holding her close. “I’m so sorry you had to do it then. We’re going to make sure you don’t need to do it again. We’re going to take care of you, we’re going to protect you. We won’t let anything happen to you.” 

She sniffed and nodded and you held her for a while longer. 

“How are you feeling?” You asked quietly eventually. “Any better now that you’ve talked about it?” 

“A little, I think,” she sniffed and straightened. “What time is it? Time to switch watch?” 

“Not yet,” you lied with a soft smile. “Go back to sleep for a bit, OK?” 

She nodded and lay down, curling in on herself a bit. You stayed close to her for a bit, waiting for the cadence of her breaths to shift to sleep. You watched her like that, her face peaceful and relaxed. 

You should have been there to protect her. Should have been there to make sure no one came close to touching her. Should have made sure she didn’t need to kill anybody. That had been why you’d wanted to come with her to begin with, to protect her from what you knew was out here in the way you hadn’t been able to protect Jessica all those years before. Ellie was alive but you hadn’t kept her safe, not really. The failure of it sank through your chest and into your stomach like lead. You hadn’t done your job and it was Ellie who would need to suffer the consequences. 

You let Ellie and Joel rest, leaning back against a tree, watching them both. They were so much more fragile than either of them would admit to being, both of them hurting from the worst things that life could do to a person while trying so hard to be strong. It threatened to swallow them. You weren’t great with a gun or a knife, you weren’t good at hurting and killing and all the things the apocalypse seemed to demand of survivors. But you were good at taking care of people, at helping them. You could take care of them in the ways they needed, help them find their way back to the versions of themselves that were buried deep under the rubble of this life. You could spend your existence doing that, you thought, and it would be enough for a full life. Loving them through it all would be enough.

*** 

If Ellie had been more herself, Joel would have started the day by chewing you out. You were still awake when the sun came up, clearly tired but keeping your eyes open, on guard. 

But Ellie was distant and detached when she woke up a few minutes later, only answering questions with a shrug and staying close to your side. 

“You gonna tell me what happened last night?” He asked, voice low, when Ellie stepped away for a bathroom break. You were on the edge of the city now, so close to your final destination. It settled like a stone in his stomach, the bile of uncertainty and change setting him on edge.

“Not my thing to tell,” you smiled a little sadly at him. “But I’ve got it covered. It’s OK.” 

“Don’t like you stayin’ up all night,” he grumbled. “Pushin’ yourself too hard…” 

“But it’s fine when you do it?” You asked, brows raised. 

“My reaction time with a gun when I’m half asleep is better than yours when you’re wide awake,” he said flatly. 

“Well I didn’t need the gun so it’s a moot point,” you replied, a little smug. “But pick a fight with me about it later, when we’re in for the night. Ellie…” 

He nodded once. It was a day where the kid needed extra care and attention. He still wasn’t sure what caused it but he saw the signs of it. You and Joel hadn’t really talked about it but you both saw it happening. You’d trade off trying to engage with her, trying to make sure she wasn’t closing herself off too much, trying to get her to eat something and drink enough water. It gave Joel a new appreciation for what Tommy must have done for him in the early days of the outbreak, just after he lost Sarah. He was only alive because of your voice in his head and his brother’s kindness. 

“Here we go,” Joel said, coming out of a camper he’d been rummaging through for supplies. “We can play this tonight. Want to kick my ass at something besides poker, this is it…” 

He held up a copy of Boggle. Ellie just kind of nodded. 

“Kicking your ass is fun,” you said, looking at her as you said it. “And I bet we could get him to make things interesting…” 

That at least caught her attention and she raised her eyebrows at you. 

“I learned the other day that he’s willing to put an a-cappella performance of a song on the line,” you said. “We could experience a live, one night only, Joel Miller musical event…” 

Ellie smiled a little at that. 

“I’ll let you bet that,” Joel said, just happy to get some sign of life out of the girl. He’d be willing to be a lot to make that happen. “Gonna have to put something good on the line yourselves though, big risk for me…” 

“First choice on canned goods for a week?” You asked. 

“I’ll take that,” Joel said, glancing down at Ellie as the three of you continued on. Her smile had faded already. He shared a look with you, the shadows of Salt Lake City looming over you. 

“Well there’s a tall building there…” Joel said, looking up at it, trying to gauge its structural integrity. 

“So we’re going to cut through that building there, go up the tall one and take a look around?” Ellie said, voice flat. 

“Well, actually,” Joel said. “I found some dynamite back there. Figured we blast our way through and then…” 

“Shit, really?” She looked up at him. 

“No,” he smiled a little. “We’re gonna do what you said. But my way would’ve been fun, right?” 

“Yeah,” she smiled a little back. It didn’t reach her eyes. 

Joel led the way through the building, keeping an eye out for some sign of humanity - or infected. But there wasn’t much of anything. 

“Didn’t realize it was this bad out west,” you said as you picked your way through the rubble of the structure. “I know I had no reason to but I always kind of thought the east coast got the worst of it…” 

“Dallas didn’t fair well, either,” Joel said. “Didn’t stay there long, that’s for damn sure, but half the fuckin’ city was a crater. Texas Stadium was in one piece, they were tryin’ to set up somethin’ there when we cut through but half the buildings were gone.” 

“I wonder what other countries did,” you said. “If they did the same things we did or if they did something different and if they did any better in the long run…” 

Joel spotted a ladder on a ledge and a possible way up and through. 

“Hey, Ellie,” he said, distracting her from her tracing patterns in the dust with the toe of her shoe. She looked up. “Think that might be the route. If I give you a boost, can you get that ladder down here for us?” 

“Yeah,” she nodded with a tight smile, coming over to him. “Boost away.” 

She climbed up him, stepping off his leg to his hands to his shoulders as she clambered up. She started lowering the ladder down when something got her attention. 

“Oh wow…” 

She dropped the ladder and it fell with a clatter to the ground, you jumping forward to try to catch it before it hit Joel. You missed. 

“Jesus, Ellie!” He called after her, scrambling for the ladder. You backed up, looking up to the space above with a frown. 

“Can’t see her,” you said as he got the ladder set. 

“Better not be gettin’ herself killed,” he muttered, rushing up the ladder with you close behind. 

“Guys, come on!” She yelled as Joel pulled you up the rest of the way. You both looked at each other for a moment. This was easily the most excited you’d heard her since Silver Lake. You weren’t about to argue. “Hurry! We’re gonna fuckin’ miss it!” 

You and Joel both ran after the sound of her voice and found her standing at the edge of the broken side of the building, a giraffe standing in front of her, watching her with almost as much curiosity as she was watching it. 

“Oh shit,” you breathed, a wide smile spreading over your face. 

“Don’t scare it!” Ellie looked over her shoulder to the two of you. 

“We’re not,” Joel said, slowly and cautiously breaking off some greenery that had started taking over the dilapidated building. He held it out to Ellie and she took it. “Go slow…” 

She smiled and held the twig out. Joel broke off another one for you and you took it, watching as the animal wrapped its tongue around Ellie’s leaves. 

“Woah!” She looked at you. “You see that?” 

“Yeah,” you smiled, sounding oddly choked up. “Their tongues can be almost 2 feet long, they use them for reaching high up leaves…” 

Joel looked at you and you shrugged. 

“Elizabeth was learning about giraffes when we left,” you said. “She was telling me all about them. She thought the tongues were particularly cool…” 

“Because they are,” Ellie said, voice full of wonder. “Hey there!” 

The giraffe apparently decided she had enough and started off, Ellie following along the edge of the building, you and Joel trailing behind her until she stopped at another gaping hole in the structure. Giraffes roamed the grounds below, long necks bobbing as they walked. 

“So cool,” She breathed, smiling. It reached her eyes this time. “Can’t believe people wouldn’t travel just to have a chance at seeing shit like this…” 

Joel looked out over the city, spotting what he thought would be a good route to try for the hospital and just watching Ellie and you enjoy the giraffes. You stayed up there until they were all gone, the ground below just grass now. 

“C’mon,” Joel said. “Should keep movin’.” 

Ellie kept the glow after the giraffes for a bit, but it was easy to see it start to fade. The wonder and joy couldn’t stay forever, not in a world like this one, not in a place like this. 

But it could in Jackson. If it could stick around anywhere, it was there. 

“You know,” he said as the three of you walked. “We tried, the three of us. We really tried to find the Fireflies, get you this far…” 

“Yeah,” Ellie nodded. 

“Found the first spot without their help,” he continued. “But they’d left. Lookin’ for this one now and not seein’ much of a sign of ‘em…” 

Ellie shrugged. 

“Probably just trying to hid from raiders or FEDRA or some shit,” she said. “That’s what we do.” 

“Yeah, sure,” Joel nodded. “But…” 

Ellie stopped walking and turned to face him. 

“But what?” 

“Baby Girl,” Joel looked at her, this girl who had - in the span of just a few months - become as central to his being as you were. He sighed. “You’ve done so much. You don’t need to do any more. We can just turn around, go back to Jackson. We can do it right now…” 

“And do what?” She frowned. 

“Just live,” you said. “You don’t have to do anything else but that, sweetheart. I promise, you don’t. You don’t owe the world a damn thing…” 

“But everything we’ve done,” she said. “Everything I’ve done… It has to mean something, right? It has to be for a reason. It can’t… It can’t all be for nothing.” 

“It kept you alive,” you said. “That’s all it’s ever been about…” 

“I’ve been given this… thing,” she said. “I’m special, right Doc? No one else is out there like me?” 

“That I know of,” you nodded. “Yeah. But that’s true even if you weren’t immune, kiddo…” 

“I can’t not use it,” she shook her head. “I mean, Doc, you’ve always said we’re here to love people. How am I supposed to do that if I could save the world and I just… don’t?” 

“It’s not supposed to be at the expense of yourself, Baby Girl,” you said gently. “We don’t know what’s waiting for us there but…” 

“But we should find out,” she said. “If I can save people… I want to. I’m special for a reason, right? It has to be for a reason, all of this has to be for a reason.” 

She turned to keep walking and the desperation spread through Joel so fast he spoke without fully thinking. 

“I was the one who missed.” 

Ellie froze before turning around, looking at him. He took a deep breath but kept going. 

“No one shot at me ‘cept me,” he said. “I was the one who missed.” 

You stepped closer to him and slipped your hand into his. 

“What…” Ellie’s voice trailed off. 

“Sarah died,” he said and he looked at you. “Thought she was gone, too….” He looked back at Ellie. “Didn’t seem worth it. I wanted to be done. I was sure, never been more sure of anything in my damn life so I…” 

He took a deep breath. 

“I flinched,” he said. “Part of me… part of me knew I’d find her again…” He gave your hand a squeeze. “But that wasn’t enough. Not for a long time… Anyway, what I’m tryin’ to tell you…” 

“I know what you’re trying to tell me,” she said, giving him a tight smile. “So time really does heal all wounds?” 

“Wasn’t time that did it,” he said. “Baby Girl, you’re enough all on your own, immune or no. You don’t need to do another damn thing, you just keep livin’ and that’s enough.” 

She watched him for a moment. 

“I’m really glad that didn’t work out, Joel,” she said quietly. “But we should keep going.” 

He nodded slowly and Ellie turned to head further into the city. You pressed a kiss to the scar at his temple and he took a deep, shaky breath. 

“If we haven’t found ‘em by tomorrow…” he said. 

“I know,” you said softly. 

The two of you caught up with her quickly. 

“I think this calls for some shitty puns,” Joel said. 

“Excellent puns, you mean,” you corrected him. 

“You asked for it,” Ellie smiled, slinging her backpack around to her front and grabbing the book out. 

“Oh this is good,” she looked at the two of you. “People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow!” 

Joel smiled and shook his head and you snorted. 

“Not too soon?” She asked, turning the page. 

“That’s just topical,” Joel said. 

“I think I need a new line of work,” you said, looking at Ellie. “And making mirrors is something I could really see myself doing…” 

“Ohhhh,” she groaned. “That one’s so bad!” 

“Is it?” You crinkled your nose. 

“Here’s one,” Ellie said. “One of my favorites, you’ll have to guess why… Moon rocks taste better than Earth rocks. Know why?” 

“Why?” Joel asked. 

“Because they’re meteor!” 

“No,” Joel shook his head as Ellie laughed. “Uh-uh, that one’s bad…” 

“That one’s perfect!” She replied. “It’s a pun and it’s about space, you literally cannot get better than that.” 

“That’s a three of 10,” Joel said. “And that’s bein’ generous.” 

“What!” She shook her head. “No way, at least a six, probably an eight….” 

Joel only heard the canister hit the ground because he turned his head to look at you, the clatter of the metal on the pavement making him pause. 

“What…” you began but Joel moved fast, grabbing your arm and Ellie’s and throwing you both behind him just as the canister exploded. 

The last thing he heard was you screaming his name before he passed out. 

A/N: Yup. We're here. We're too this point.

Canon is going to diverge next chapter as we close in on the end of this story but get ready for *drumroll* FERAL JOEL!

Because next chapter is all Feral Joel all the time.

And we love that for us.

There is a taglist if you'd like to be added BUT we're really closing in on the end here. I think this story will be wrapped by the end of the month. I will add you if you'd like, however!

Thank you for being here and sticking with this story! I've loved every second of this adventure with you. Love you!!

Taglist: @paleidiot@ayamenimthiriel@ginger-swag-rapunzel@drewharrisonwriter@flugazi @pedropascalsbbg@taoyuji@starstruckmusiciansartghost@splendsay@bigboiseason123@jpbplvr @ashleyandring @mrsyixingunicorn10@sloanexx@ninaminaromina @lady-bellyn @hufflepuffriver @sarap-77 @storyarcscribe @mellymbee @jasminedragoon @lemonmeli @reds-ramblings@arizonadaydreamer@mumma-moonchild@blackroseguzzi@candypeaches16@kittenlittle24@wrappedinfiction@oatmeaiboy@pedritosdarling@winchestergypsy90@imnotdatboii @lalalalemonade11 @maknimuk1@mrsdarcyinlovewithbuckybarnes@pedrosaidsheispunk@commanderawkward@n7cje@elliesgirlll@tsunamistorm123@spookyxsam@leeeesahhh @anoverwhelmingdin @untamedheart81 @pedropascalfan221 @pedr0swh0r3 @pedrobae@fifia-writes@fatima-marisa @acf2023 @1soff@encephalitiskat @ashleymsnodgrass @karlinspace

[xxavengingangelxx]

A Brighter Side of Grey 1/?

This is for my lovie @bellgraves. :) This is a continuation of my fic As the Rush Comes.

Summary: A female mercenary got a lot closer to killing Graves than anyone else had. So Graves put her in her place. After leaving her for dead, he was almost certain she was gone. So what happens when he catches her making another attempt on his life?

Warnings: Violence, drugging, kidnapping, all the things that come with writing about dueling mercenaries. If I need to add anything, let me know. Eventual smut, possibly enemies to lovers, I haven't decided :)

I have no idea where this fic could end up so let's all of us take a ride and see where it takes us! I didn't get a chance to proofread so please excuse any mistakes.

--

The first thing you remember…no the first thing you feel is pain.

Horrible pain.

Not being able to breathe like you should be able to. Instinctively you reach up to what’s blocking your airway.

Tubes.

Tubes that were making you gag.

Your right arm appeared useless so you used your left arm to try and pull the tubes out of your throat.

Someone tried to stop you from doing it but you shoved them away and finally yanked the tube out of your throat.

And you gagged, dry heaved over your hospital bed.

And when you did, you felt fire across your ribs.

More people came into your room and were shoved down, strapped down like a mental patient…

You gasped awake.

Another night, another nightmare.

All thanks to Phillip Graves.

You sat up in bed and grabbed your phone, seeing it was 2 in the morning. These nightmares had been going on every night sometimes multiple times a night since you’d regained consciousness.

You were almost ambidextrous before but now your right arm was at 75-80% mobility thanks to the spiral fracture Graves had inflicted when he broke your arm.

So you used your left arm to toss the covers off. Life had been pure hell since Graves had almost killed you. You might have been medically fragile when you got discharged from the hospital but that didn’t stop your boss from beating the shit out of you for the failed mission.

A year, your boss had said,  you have a year to stop faking this injury shit, find Graves, and kill him. Bring me his dog tags with his blood on ‘em.

You were almost certain that beatdown had take away mobility from your right arm too. You ran your fingers along the scars where the hospital had to cut your arm open and add screws and metal plates.

You had gotten an apartment with a garage because you were told it was going to take you months to recover. You dressed in shorts and a tank top before heading to the garage as you normally slept naked.

You got into your garage and looked upon the masterpiece you had been putting together in the last year. The entire wall of the garage was Phillip Graves. You’d been obsessed with tracking him down so for the last year that was all you had done, track Graves as much as you could.

You’d used string and thumbtacks to track his movements with as much detail as you could but you were still missing some pieces. Luckily paying a highly ranked military officer overlooking PMC contracts was finally able to pin Graves down to your home country.

As far as you knew, he was back in the States which would make killing him easier. You wouldn’t have to worry about a third-world enemy capturing you or a fake passport so you could focus all on Graves.

The map on your garage wall was taller than you, making you need to get a stepladder.

Graves was supposedly taking an R&R with his company in Houston, TX which was perfect because no matter where Graves went in Houston, there were sure to either be empty buildings or some other way your could hide high up and snipe Graves.

Sniping would be the lowest risk but the lowest reward. You wouldn’t get to see him die.

The highest risk highest reward would be to allow yourself to be captured, pray Graves didn’t kill you outright, and lay low, get information, gain his trust, then kill him before leaving with dead Graves’s dog tags and interior information about Shadow company.

I don’t care how you fucking do it, you recall your boss telling you after you reeled and almost whimpered from the pain the beatdown he’d given you for failing your mission. Get it done. Be his fuckin’ whore for a year and then kill him. Snipe him. Get it done or go ahead and pick out your headstone.

You’d be able to prove yourself and provide information on Shadow Company. Your boss wouldn’t see you as a failure anymore and you’d get to live.

Weeks of trying to make a decision was interrupted by a text from you boss, simply saying, Two months left.

You’d tracked Graves down to Houston but it was proving difficult to find him in a vulnerable position enough to take him out with a sniper rifle.  He was too heavily guarded to simply approach him and attempt the hit.

That night you fell asleep and finally slept for more than 5 hours straight because you finally had a plan. You’d make a pathetic attempt to hurt Graves and you were certain his boys would jump all over you…but they wouldn’t kill you…not until Graves gave the order.

And if Graves did give them the order at least you’d die quick rather than slowly and painfully at your boss’s hand.

***

Today was Graves’s last day in Houston or so you’d been told from intel. So you needed to move quick.

It hadn’t been too hard to find the fancy hotel where Graves and his Shadows had been staying. So to make sure you wore a cloth mask similar to the one you wore when COVID had been rampant. You’d died and cut your hair. The only part of you left unchanged by a large margin was your height.

You walked into the lobby and eyed some of his men, each carrying heavy military backpacks or duffels as they loaded their Tahoes and Suburbans in the back parking lot of the hotel.

You were walking down a hallway as you tried to find a way up to the roof when you saw him.

Graves himself. The Shadow himself. Shadow-01. A legendary mercenary and the CEO of his own private military.

Before you new what was happening your breath caught in your throat. Were you panicking? Afraid? He was leaving his own hotel room, military backpack securely on his shoulders. You thought he was alone when you saw what you’d describe as a dumb bimbo whore walking out of his hotel room after him.

And then fear turned into…jealousy?  Why the hell did you care who Graves slept with?

But it was definitely jealousy burning in your chest.

So when she walked away while Graves was getting the last of his belongings from his hotel room, she brushed your side and that was all you needed to shove a knife right into her ribs.

She started to cry out but you delivered a sharp karate shop to her throat to where she couldn’t speak. Next you delivered a blow to her solar plexus, so she’d be quiet for at least the next minute while she gasped for air. You used your gloved hands to shove the knife in her hand, making it seem like she had either done it herself or done it accidentally.

You turned the corner when Graves closed his hotel room door, keycard in his hand.

“You trip, darlin’?” He drawled as he walked closer to his female friend. When he tried to help her up, he noticed she was bleeding heavily from her side. And that she was gasping for air.

“Holy shit,” Graves actually sounded surprised. “What…what happened?”

And you smiled for the first time in a year because you were proud of yourself that you’d managed to startle Graves.

After finding a stairway that led to the roof, you busted the lock on that door and made your way to the top of the building.

It was cold, windy up on the roof and you were glad you’d worn layers. Layers were mandatory anyway because you needed to change the clothes you’d entered that hotel in. But first…

An attempt on Graves’s life. Not a real attempt but you certainly had to make it look real.

It didn’t take long for you to build the short-range sniper rifle you’d brought with you.

You had to wait longer than your would have liked as the police and an ambulance showed up. Then the coroner. Whoops, you thought. You hadn’t meant to kill her.

Good riddance, bitch. He’s mine. And you had no idea where that thought came from.

Graves finally exited the hotel towards the back parking lot.

Through the scope you saw he looked…shaken, unsure of what had just happened.

And that made you smile a second time.

You had counted the number of men Graves had with him as they loaded up in the parking lot.

Three were missing.

You frowned into the scope, trying to see if they were already in the vehicles.

Nope. No one was in the vehicles yet.

So where were they?

Maybe in the hotel?

You were about to take another look through the scope when it suddenly darkened around you. You thought it was nothing. It was a cloudy day so maybe the sun had slipped behind the clouds.

But you were suddenly dragged backwards, away from your rifle and across the rough material of the roof.

You reached for a knife down your shirt and sliced into that motherfucker’s hand hard enough that he hissed and released you.

Shadows. They probably swept every location for threats before their boss made himself visible outside.

You knew another thing that might shock this Shadow enough to where you had more time to react was to remove your mask. You were certain Graves had warned his men about you.

And you were right.

Once you lowered the mask, you saw the Shadows's eyes widen. “You’re dead,” he gasped.

You were about to tell him, Tell your boss to finish the job next time when you heard a footstep behind you. You turned and had no time to react as a Shadow used his rifle to strike you across the left side of your head.

And then…

A sharp, stinging pain followed by falling deeper and deeper into a black hole.

***

You woke up when the vehicle you were in hit a sharp bump in the dirt road. You tried to take a breath but it was difficult. Your mouth was duct-taped shut and your hands being bound behind you didn’t help.

You felt someone tear the long sleeve of your right arm followed by a muffled, “It’s her,” you guessed they were identifying you based on the scars Graves knew he left on your body.

Then you heard Graves’s familiar drawl say, “Drug ‘her. She can’t know where she’s going,”

You tried to move but your body felt heavy and wasn’t responding to your brain’s commands. The sensation reminded you of how you felt coming out of another surgery to repair your arm. Whatever they were using to drug you was strong. And no matter how hard you fought it, you lost consciousness faster than you would have liked.

***

You woke up on a cement floor. The duct tape had been removed from your face but your hands were still bound behind you. It was causing significant pain in your right arm.

“What’d I say would happen to you if I got ahold of you?”

And when you opened your eyes you saw him standing in front of you, larger than life, in the same uniform and vest he’d had on the night he almost killed you.

Phillip Graves.

And that was when your breath caught in your throat again and your heart started skipping beats.

[jordosprout]

Tumbling Walls

Tech X GN!Reader

Word Count: 3,964

Warnings: Nightmares, Trauma comfort, Anxiety attack, Mentions of childhood SA, Accidental SH, Tech and Reader are awkward, No established relationship, Barely any actual romance (tell me if there is anything I missed! I am very new to Tumblr :,) this is a pretty self-indulgent fic as I looked for one similar but couldn't find anything. I might make a follow up for it later on. I am open to taking writing prompts for the Bad Batch!!

Let's begin, shall we?

It felt like you couldn’t have woken up any faster, sitting up as soon as you did. Your forehead was covered in cold sweat. Your heavy breaths echoed throughout the bunks as your eyes darted around the quiet bunks, finally remembering where you were. A shaky exhale came from your lips as you crashed back into your pillow. You might as well not have slept at all you were so tired.

Your alarm comedically went off a minute later. You laughed annoyedly to yourself with your forearm over your eyes. The rest of the batch was (thankfully) probably already awake. That was typically the case. They all knew of your usual late nights and knew not to wake you unless there was an emergency, Wrecker being the one to find out the hard way.

You mentally prepared yourself for your day as you sat at the edge of your bunk, before begrudgingly jumping down. You were dressed minutes later before you went to the door to the barracks, swooshing it open; Crosshair was the first to greet you.

“You look like shit.”

You rubbed one of your eyes, even though you knew it would just make the bags underneath them worse. Crosshair’s remarks were the last thing you wanted to hear right now. You could only bring yourself to flip him off as you poured yourself a cup of now cold caff.

—

You couldn’t seem to catch a break at all today. Every little thing felt like weights being added to your shoulders. Crosshair’s comments were hitting closer to home and you weren’t able to respond with your usual bite. Wrecker’s booming voice felt like it raddled your skull more than usual. His energetic and rough nature along with that did not pair well with your high-strung mood. Omega’s questions were getting to be headache-inducing, and while usually you would answer every single one without hesitation you found yourself getting frustrated. You hate getting annoyed with her. She has every reason to have the questions she does about the universe. But today you wish she would just ask Tech instead.

You fidgeted in your seat with anything you could find. First, it was picking and scratching at your hands, then biting your nails, your body acted on its own as you found yourself lost in your thoughts. 

You were pushed out of your spacey state when an excited Omega jumped on the back of the co-pilot seat, almost knocking you off. Shaking you up as a result.

“KRIFF- Omega can you not do that? You scared me.” you rubbed one of your eyes with your palm before turning to her. She was a bit taken aback, not used to you being snippy. But she didn’t let your roughness get to her like hers did to you.

“Oh- sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you! I just wanted to let you know that Wrecker, Crosshair, Hunter, and I were about to head off.”

You cocked your head at this. You weren’t aware of any missions for today and Hunter usually briefed the Batch on all of the day's plans.

“What do you mean by head off? Do you lot even know where you’re going? We haven’t exactly been on this planet before.”

She smiled excitedly at that, the idea of exploring making her almost bounce off the walls.

“We’re just running low on supplies. Hunter says there should be a town where we can restock but we probably won’t be back tonight.”

You simply nodded in response. Your throat felt too tight to talk today. Not a rare occurrence for you, there have been times when you wouldn’t say a word for hours. And that’s exactly what it was like today, the only difference being that it wasn’t clear to everyone else as to why like it usually was. 

It’s not that you were always quiet; sometimes words just didn’t seem to be able to form themselves. Or that they were stuck in a lump deep inside your throat. But when your stress levels were low you always spoke what was on your mind. 

Once Omega figured you had nothing to add she bounced off the ship to the others. You saw Hunter look up to you before saying something to Tech. He probably noticed your off-attitude, especially since you're rarely tense to this extent, seemingly for no reason. All you caught before they left was a responsive nod from Tech and a wave from Wrecker, who had a giddy Omega on his shoulders. 

_

“Tech, keep a close eye on em’ yeah? They seem off today.” 

Tech hummed at his brother, adjusting his goggles slightly before nodding and offering a response,

“I have noticed. I have it covered here.”

“Alright, good luck. We won't be back until sundown tomorrow,” Hunter told Tech with a sigh dreading the long trip.

Wrecker and Omega gave you a wave from outside before they all left, leaving Tech and you behind.

_

Since you joined the batch, Tech and you would usually stay at the ship. That way he’d have backup if needed. Even if all that meant was listening to all the facts he had accumulated.

Once everyone left Tech turned around and motioned for you to come over. Groaning as you stood up from your spot. But, obliging nonetheless. You leaned on the entryway of the Marauder before questioning his request, “Ya need somethin’ Tech?”

He nodded, goggles catching the reflection of the sun “Actually, I was thinking about your request from a few rotations ago. About teaching you basic ship repairs. It looks like it could use some work. And it would be best to teach you now, seeing as there will be no distractions,” he told you matter-of-factly. It was honestly quite surprising he took you up on your request seeing how protective he was of ‘his ship’. “And you’ve been inside all day now. That will not do your current mental state any good.”

“What are you talking about? I’m fine, Tech.”

He simply hummed at you, ignoring your obvious lie of a response for the most part. “The exterior hull took some damage from our last mission, and the hyperdrive motivator is not in the best shape either. It will not be too difficult of a repair, though it is an important one for you to learn.”

You gave him a quick alright and walked over to him, taking your place on his left.

_

You whined in frustration and threw your tool to the ground. You couldn’t seem to get the hang of it and it was maddening. You sat before easing yourself into laying down with your arms crossed; a curious Tech granting you shade as he stood above you.

“You are… quite reactive today,” he told you, stating the obvious like always.

You rolled your eyes at him, “I don’t know what you're talking about Tech. Perhaps you don’t either.” Just because it was obvious did not mean it needed to be discussed. Hopefully, you made that clear.

“I always know what I am talking about.”

Or perhaps not.

“Uh-huh.”

His armor shuffled as he sat next to you. 

“It is clear that there is something on your mind. You are not one to be quick to anger.”

Turning your head to face him, he was clearly in thought himself as he looked out towards the body of water in front of you. You sighed before grumbling, “You’re right. sorry.”

He shook his head, “While it is not good to keep emotions bottled up, it is a common response. Do not apologize.” He flicked his eyes towards you momentarily, “...Though, if you are willing, I do not mind lending an ear.”

You have had many conversations with Tech during your time with the Batch, but none this personal. Typically it was just you asking him different questions about how things worked or him telling you without your prior inquiry. You weren’t too keen on the idea of it, you trusted Tech, of course you did. You trusted all of them. But you… held yourself to a high standard. Especially when it came to the clone next to you. 

“It will not change how I view you.” He assured, basically reading your mind.

You turned your head away from him before starting, “It’s silly Tech, I’m just in my head today. A dream I had brought up… unpleasant memories. And it’s all I can bring myself to think about,” his eyes felt like they were burning holes in the back of your head as you spoke, “But I am not going to rant your ear off about it. You’re not my therapist.”

“As far as I am aware, no one is your therapist. However, that is not what I am trying to be. I am simply concerned for your well-being.”

“You have no reason to be concerned,” you told him bluntly. You did not like the idea of taking up someone's time with your feelings. Especially when it came to things you feel you should have moved on from.

“Oh, but I certainly do. To start, I'm certain you've not eaten your rations today. In addition to that, you have remained isolated from 1000 to 1400. And that isolation only stopped when I asked for your time. You have been tense and highly reactive all day. Whatever it is that is on your mind, it is making you anxious. Your lack of focus on any tasks given proves that your thoughts are preoccupied. Stop downplaying your current state and talk to me,” Tech almost sounded like he was begging you, a rare tone to come from him.

You sat up at that and looked at him for a moment, pulling your knees towards you and holding onto them; playing with your hands.

“It’s kind of heavy stuff Tech, are you sure?” he silently nodded, all of his attention on you. You took a deep breath through your nose before you spoke, “Okay… I’ll be blunt then. I was sexually abused, frequently when I was young. It went on for a long time. And whenever I felt safe somewhere new I would be quickly shown that I was not. There were occasions when it was more violent. And I have had vivid nightmares of it in the past. But they haven’t popped up since… maybe a month before I met you guys. But whenever they did they were all I could think about.”

“And that is what’s going on today I assume?”

“Yeah… pretty much.”

You could only bring yourself to focus on the ground, the idea of even looking at Tech right now was daunting. Eye contact was never your strong suit, but definitely not now.

“Do you feel safe?” he inquired bluntly, never being one to beat around the bush.

“Yes? No? I don’t know, it’s not easy to put into words. It’s like… realistically I know I am. But I can’t stop feeling like there is a possibility that I’m not.”

He shifted slightly, one knee up as he put all his weight on the thigh and hand closest to you.

“While I am not sure if it helps, I can assure you that you are. At least in that case. Obviously, there are dangers when it comes to our current line of work and we will always do our best to prevent harm, but please know that none of us would let something of that nature happen to you. You are safe here.”

You broke down at that. You weren’t used to your anxieties being comforted in this way. They were usually dealt with in your own time. Tears began to roll down your cheeks as your body shook. Every little thing that you had piled onto your shoulders began crumbling down.

Tech quietly spoke to you holding his hands up slightly trying to show he wasn’t a threat, facing you as he sat on his knees, “I apologize I did not mean to make you feel worse I-”

“No no don’t say sorry it’s not you just- I haven’t felt safe in a long time and you saying that caught me off guard. It’s hard to hear in a way. It’s frustrating that you even had to say that. Everything about today felt so hard but I know it shouldn’t have felt that way. I’m just so- so upset with myself you know? I feel so- broken. I hate feeling this way. I hate not being okay by now. I- I should be okay by now…” you vigorously wiped your eyes with your palms, sobs falling out of you. You could feel your walls falling and it terrified you. You shook harder as your anxiety bubbled up, all of your thoughts taking over. Tech was silent, you could almost feel him calculating what to do next.

Timid warm arms found themselves around you, slowly pulling you into Tech's chest. You flinched slightly at the sudden gesture before melting into him. His armor was cooler than you expected, but you welcomed it onto your warm face. Tech was stiff. Emotional comfort was not his specialty, but he couldn't bring himself to just sit there.

“I will never let anything happen to you. Do you understand?” He said to you quietly, only receiving a nod from you in return. “And while I do not have much expertise in situations like yours, I promise you do not have to deal with this on your own. You are… quite important to me.”

You didn’t respond, and he didn’t expect you to. You could feel your heartbeat pounding against your skull as you held onto his arms. He tightened his hold around you, securing you to him.

_

Exhaustion flooded over you when your anxiety attack finally stopped. You could barely bring yourself to move. Once Tech figured you got what you needed out of your system he finally spoke, 

“Are you tired? I hope you know I don't expect you to complete your lesson. It can wait.”

You laughed slightly at him stating what you thought was obvious, “Yeah a little. But… I'll be fine. Thank you for uhm- staying with me through that.” You rubbed your eyes, crusty from your salty tears hardening on your lashes. 

He stood up, making sure to not jostle you in doing so before offering you his hand to help you up. You finally looked up at him after everything. His brown eyes glistened softly under his goggles. They were warm, but the sad gleam they held was noticeable.

You took his hand so he could hoist you up. Your legs shook like twigs in the wind as you got back onto your feet.

“I really think you should rest. Anxiety attacks are quite draining. It will only do you good.”

He walked behind you as he pushed you up the ramp to the Marauder, not taking no for an answer. He even waited near the door to the bunks to make sure you made it up to your designated sleeping spot

“I will leave you to it.”

_

Tech sat in the pilot seat on his datapad for nearly two standard hours as you slept. He was looking into different coping mechanisms he could provide you. Or at least so he was better at calming you down. Not knowing what to do in any situation frustrated him. But he wasn't sure if it was because of his ego, or if it was because it had to do with you. 

His brows furrowed when he remembered how you shook like a leaf in his arms. He's never seen you cry, let alone like that. 

Tech sighed and set his device on his lap, resting his head in his hand as he thought about today. He couldn't help that he was still worrying about you. The thought of the things you told him whirred in his mind and he felt his hands clench slightly. He couldn't bring himself to even begin to imagine your experiences. And he knew if he saw those guilty of inflicting so much harm to you he'd see red. 

All he knew was that he had to protect you. He knew that he would by any means necessary. And if that meant merely holding you while you cried then that is what he'd do. Any time you needed him he'd make sure to be there. You were… special to Tech. He wasn't exactly sure why. Or what the exact feeling was. All he knew was that he stole glances at you whenever you weren't looking. He wanted to know every thought that ever entered your mind. And that your laugh was one of his favorite sounds. 

He has wondered before if it was perhaps love he felt for you, but he had no real way to be sure. He's never had a crush before so he wouldn't know exactly how that would feel. But it was the only idea that really made sense to him.

He wondered if you felt that way about him. Or if it was even possible that you could. Tech shook his head at the thought. Now was not the time.

He jolted when he felt you tap his shoulder.

“Hey, sorry I was out for so long. I brought you some caff,” you handed him a cup with an awkward smile, looking to the side instead of making eye contact.

“Ah… thank you.”

The seat beside him creaked as you sat down and he couldn't help but look at you. Your bedhead wasn't drastic but it was there. You somehow still looked tired despite sleeping for so long. That was probably why you had your own cup.

“How are you feeling?” 

“Better”

Tech hummed in response as he sipped his drink. It was relieving to hear you say that and it finally felt true, unlike your earlier statements.

A comfortable silence was between you as you both looked out the Marauder’s glass pane. 

“Tech?”

“Yes?”

“Can you uhm…tell me about something? Anything works. I kinda just wanna hear you talk.”

Tech was used to you catching him by surprise. You always managed to. But you outright saying you just wanted him to talk for the mere sake of talking wasn't something he'd ever expect from anyone. Though he figured it was just to keep your mind occupied. He thought for a moment before picking a topic.

“I don't believe I have told you how hyperdrives work and it's quite a fascinating topic really. The way they manage to preserve a vessel’s mass is quite spectacular, you'll love this-”

_

You loved hearing Tech talk, it was a great pass time and in your current moment a great distraction. Though you're embarrassed now with how straightforward you were with it. You took long sips of your caf, eyes focused on the dark sky and his voice. He began to ramble a bit about ionization, somewhat forgetting the original topic; but it was obvious that you didn't mind. You just appreciated how willingly he took your request.

A content hum came from you before Tech cleared his throat causing you to face him.

“Have you managed to eat anything yet? I am aware that anxiety can affect your digestive tract into having a lowered appetite, but I insist that you attempt to eat at the very least once a day.” 

You shook your head causing him to stand up to grab you a ration bar. You took it and begrudgingly ate. Between bites, you attempted to look Tech in the eyes.

“Thank you for caring, Tech. It's…. Nice”

Tech took in the features of your eyes, making sure to capture every little feature while he had the chance. A moment later, he adjusted his goggles and looked into his cup,

“That is nothing to thank me for. But… you are welcome. Anytime you require emotional assistance, notify me. You will never be a burden in doing so.”

You laughed at Tech a bit. His formal way of speech no matter who he talked to always seemed to be present. Even in intimate moments alone. You hoped he didn't think you were making fun of him. You just found him intriguing.

“Well alright…I'll keep that in mind Tech.” you stared into your cup, warmth surrounding your hands. You appreciated Tech’s efforts dearly, though you felt a bit guilty for breaking down in front of him. The back of your hands stung a bit, you didn't realize how raw they were from your fidgeting earlier. You took that as a sign that trimming your nails more frequently would be a good idea.

“May I see your hands?” You didn't notice him staring, but you reluctantly set down your cup and held them out to him. He set down his own cup before gently taking your hands into his for his inspection. He frowned at the wounds you accidentally gave yourself. A clear liquid formed over them as your body worked to prevent infection. “A bit deeper than expected… Wait here.”

He stood up suddenly to grab the med kit, coming back to you with Bacta spray and a roll of bandage wrap. He sat back in his pilot seat and took your left hand which took the worst of the damage.

“It may feel a bit uncomfortable. The texture is rather unpleasant.”

You grimaced once he sprayed your hands. He was right, it was quite slimy. It felt…honestly rather gross. but you ignored it the best you could, watching him work on you. Once he finished with the spray he skillfully wrapped your hands; likely having experience with minor wound care. He paused and kept your hands in his, looking up at you, tilting his head to get your attention. 

“How… is that? Too tight?”

“No- no it's good.”

He nodded but didn't let go. He seemed lost in thought as he looked at them. You felt his grip tighten, causing you to grimace slightly at the discomfort it brought. Suddenly, he hung his head; bringing his forehead to your hands. You were… more than a little confused. But you didn't break the silence that hung heavily in the Marauder’s cycled air. He broke the silence instead. 

Head still resting on your hands, he spoke quietly, “I will make sure to obtain a proper stimulation gadget for you.”

All you could offer him was a small okay, not sure how to navigate the situation. You couldn't figure out what he was feeling. But his discomfort was clear as he removed himself, excusing himself to the refresher. You sat there for multiple standard minutes trying to decipher him. 

Once he exited, he was obviously trying to string together something to say. But for once he couldn’t find anything.

“You alright Tech?”

He snapped his head up at you, “Oh! Ah yes, I am fine. To be blunt, I do not know exactly how to behave with you at the moment. This is quite new to me as well.”

You nodded “Well you don't need to do anything special. Your company is enough, Tech.” He sighed at that. He clearly felt like he should be able to offer more. But he was willing to take your word for it. He stood next to where you sat, probably bored out of his mind. 

You looked up at him, finally allowing yourself to find some comfort in his honey-brown eyes. You locked gazes as the peace you felt warmed you through your core. You found yourself leaning into him, head resting on his side. He was tense at first, not used to your unusual want for physical contact. But he found himself returning your gesture with a hand to your shoulder, pulling you closer.

[remcycl333]

I got my first few (desired) results through states!

Basically, I’ve known about law of assumption for around a year now officially but I’ve known the idea and concept of it through subliminals for around 2 or 3.

I was never able to manifest anything I wanted but I never gave up on the law since I was desperate. I would affirm 24/7, listen to subliminals but all from a state of lack. I knew that I needed to assume that I already had it but it felt too hard so I just attempted to delude myself. I also kept the mindest from when I believed in Law of Attraction.

Eventually when I got into loa communities through twitter, tumblr, Reddit etc I thought the idea of states was stupid. I would ignore anything having to do with it since for so long since I believed you NEEDED to affirm, visualize, wtv to get results. I never understood it nor tried to understand it.

But it all changed when I came across your posts a few days ago, I saw states in a whole different light and it finally made sense to me and I felt a sort of relief/excitement, like when you don’t understand a math problem for so long and you finally get it and feel so happy. I tried it out and of course the law never fails.

The first time I really didn’t want to go to school and I just assumed that I didn’t have to go and I didn’t! It doesn’t seem that cool but I literally skipped a whole week of school prior for being sick and there was no real reason for me to not go and my mom all of a sudden offered to let me skip. I refused her offer out of guilt all of a sudden but then all of a sudden the bus’s were all delayed and mixed up so I missed the bus and ended up staying home :). I did the same thing the next day for this after school religious program me and my siblings do and OF COURSE the law never failed me and I didn’t have to go (which is even more insane than the school one because my parents are like super duper religious).

My last and fav result is getting rid of my period 🤭! Basically yesterday I woke up and obviously saw a little blood since it was supposed to be the day I get my period. Since I really didn’t want it I remembered using states and told myself “I don’t have my period” and also asked my self “if I didn’t have my period, how would I feel” let myself relish in the thought and continued my day. I didn’t even put a pad on “just incase” since I KNEW the law would never betray me. Now guess who’s typing this on my second day where I would normally be popping pills while sobbing from cramps happy and normal :D.

In conclusion I hope this post can motivate someone out there and you will probably see me again with results talking about my desired face and how I’m a billionaire now 🫡 I mean I was literally able to manifest not having a biological thing literally GAZILLIONS of all female that’s ever existed have gotten I can do anything :) and so can you!

omg love!!! i lovee manifesting my period away too!

i’m so happy i was able to help you and i CANT WAIT to read more of your success stories !! 🤍🫶🏻🤍

[aeolianblues]

a lot of people that were like ‘ohh piracy bad, internet bad, let’s go to the good old days’ don’t realise that a lot of the third world didn’t fucking have access to a lot of the things they take for granted. A lot of people retconning morality into limewire don’t remember that our markets used to get things 5-10 years late.

My dad’s record collection, bought from HMV consists entirely of 80s albums, even thought he didn’t have his own money to buy cassettes and CDs until the 90s. This isn’t because he was a hip retro guy (his knowledge of music according to my probing has returned a result of 0, this man was not going to the counter and asking for specific CDs I promise you). He was picking stuff off the shelves that sounded familiar in name or looked cool or that his brothers handed him.

Our market literally had an embargo on imports that only opened up in 1991 and allowed goods from the rest of the world (in particular non essentials/‘luxury goods’) in for the first time in 1991. The year Blur’s first album came out. The year Oasis formed. Some things I know half of tumblr regards as ‘fairly recent history’. (Why were the markets embargoed? Colonialism fucked our economy to smithereens and the first thing we needed to do after kicking the Brits out was actually to just give local industry the smallest chance at growth. It’ll happen, you know, when you get robbed for like two centuries.)

When things did come, they came half a decade late. I'm not talking about small, indie releases, I'm talking about the biggest popstars and franchises in the world. Most people that got physical stuff from abroad on time had a family member who was on a business trip. The sort of figure you’d build up as a worldly, stately, well-travelled and knowledgeable kind of guy. Everyone else got their stuff in the later half of the decade. Sometimes not at all. Even I remember our CDs from the last decade have all been imports, some from Germany, some from Czechia, some from Poland.

Even in the 00s, hotbed of piracy, an American pirating a My Chem album still had the option of walking into a record shop and 'rectifying their moral wrongs' by picking up a physical copy. How were we to do that. Everything came so late that your teenage years would be over by the time your ethically-sourced, locally purchased copy arrived. Have fun.

When they finally began having official release dates outside of Europe and North America (and Japan, in this specific case) for videogames: arcade games, Nintendo based games, etc., our official release dates would be a few years later. Look it up. For a lot of years, those things simply didn't exist in our markets.

A lot of people, particularly westerners love to dismiss such arguments as whataboutism, strawmanism, or simply don't have enough empathy to imagine a world outside of their neat lil borders, but I'm here. I'm writing. You know me as flesh and blood; as late as 2015 there were albums I was buying that were available 'worldwide' that weren't available at mine. Don't moralise piracy. Simply recognise that it broke down a lot of barriers.

[halowritesthings]

“Tout est nul, putain,” Remy said while stomping his way inside. He shook the snow off his body like a wet dog, specifically because he knew it would annoy Scott when he eventually came inside and saw the partially melted snow on the hardwood. “I hate de cold.”

He shucked off the winter cap and gloves he borrowed, but before he could bend over to unlace his boots, a southern drawl emitted from the doorway, “So Ah’ve heard.”

Looking up, he saw Rogue leaning on the frame of the entrance to the common area of the mansion, a blanket bundled in her arms. His mood suddenly perked up significantly, “Well, good ol’ North must‘ve finally caught me. Why else would such a stunnin’ ange be here t’greet moi?”

Rogue rolled her eyes as she got off the frame to stand up straight, “Quit bein’ a drama queen, Swamp Rat. Everyone has had to shovel the walkways at some point.”

Remy pouted, leaning down so he could get back to stripping off the boots, “You say dat, yet why is tonight de first time I seen Specs do his fair share, neh? Gettin’ down an’ dirty too much a hassle for Fearless?”

“Ya know that’s just because ya always hightail it out of the room before the drawing of straws can begin,” Rogue said. “Ah think he’s already maxed out his shoveling duties for the season, but he joined ya tonight anyway, specifically to make sure you would do yer job for once.”

When Remy got both boots off, he looked up at Rogue with zero guilt in his eyes. His pout might have gotten bigger, actually, “So mean to Remy.”

He was quick to slip on his moccasin slippers that he was forced to abandon just an hour prior. If he wasn’t feeling so stiff, he would honestly be willing to bend over even further to place a kiss on the tips of each of them. Plus, he already got called dramatic once in this conversation; even though it was true, he would like to keep the factual observations to a minimum tonight.

As he stood back to his full height, he was suddenly assaulted, darkness enshrouding his vision and his movement becoming restricted. He struggled for a second before remembering what he was just looking at and held himself still. He was swiftly rewarded when a pair of gentle hands messed with the covering at his face and adjusted it so he was snuggly wrapped everywhere that didn’t impede his line of sight. 

Once he was able to see again, he was met with Rogue looking at him with that same fond exasperation he loved to bring out in her. “Don’t chu’ worry,” Rogue began, finalizing the details of her current attempts to encase Remy where he stood. “Jubilee went and made us a bunch’a different kinds of hot coco, and knowing yer daily sugar intake, you’ll be reawakened in no time.”

With a lopsided smile, he grabbed one of her hands, using his blanket-covered fingers to wrap excess blanket around her knuckles before placing a kiss to the top of the hand while looking her in the eyes. She was of course wearing one of her nighttime pair of gloves that she wore when they hung out after hours, but recently he had been making sure to add extra layers between them whenever he could to ease whatever leftover anxiety plagued her mind, “Mon sauveur, what would dis scoundrel do wit’out chu?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rogue said with another roll of her eyes. “Love ya too, ya greaseball.”

woe 🫴 halo x-men fic be upon ye shout out to the 4 people who unanimously voted "yes" to the poll on my main asking about whether or not i should post this WIP snippet to tumblr lol. i have zero idea as to when i can get this completed due to a.) the dreaded blockage of writers as per usual and B.) the dreaded schoolwork which is in a constant revolving state of "maybe i won't have too much work this weekend" and "holy shit i'm falling behind so hard i'm gonna die-" this snippet is rather contained tho so it can work as a standalone pretty well. maybe i just need to embrace shorter ficlets as my main form of writing. certainly would be a nice break from the "can't make a oneshot less than 6k words" train i've been riding since day one LMAO anyway feel free to ignore my yapping; i hope you like my first foray into this fandom!

[heyiwrotesomethings]

OMFG I OPENED TUMBLR IN THE RIGHT TIME

can i ask a bit of slow burn with shinobu x they/them reader that is a musician as a lil side job when being a slayer is off for a day?

reader arrives in the butterfly mansion wounded and was disappointed that they have to rest their whole arms for months so no music for that, due to having a giant passion for music they offered to teach the 3 girls how to play an instrument with shinobu's consent

in months of recovery a lot of improvements are noticed in the 3 girls music abilities, reader offers some little lesson sessions on shinobu if she's free, somehow like a routine of them is hangout in the morning and check their arms if it's okay to use them atleast to play an instrument

in the night where shinobu decided to rest in her roof she spots reader playing a song that she mentioned she liked to listen to, and so there's a bit of serenading moment

soon after the recovery of the arms and before leaving, reader confessed their feelings and gave shinobu an instrument they always use to remind her of them

your choice if you want to have a goodbye kiss THANK YOUUUUUUU HAVE A GREAT DAYYYY

Virtuoso

Shinobu Kochou x They/Them Reader

A/N: It was fun to look up different instruments for this. Sorry there isn’t a lot of in depth teaching. The most music experience I have is fumbling my way around an alto saxophone throughout middle school. Hope you like it! Word Count: 3,226

(Y/n) regained consciousness slowly, finding it difficult to do more than open their eyes for but a moment before falling back to sleep. When they were finally able to stay awake long enough to wonder where they were, their eyes roved aimlessly around the room, but they couldn’t see very much while laying almost completely flat on their back.

They went to hike themself upward on their elbows, but quickly found their arms were restrained. Angling their chin towards their chest, they saw that their arms were heavily bandaged and secured by a large sling across their stomach.

That’s right, they remembered, that demon had really gotten the better of them before the other slayers they had been traveling with stepped in. They remembered that the demon had gotten behind them, booted them to the ground, and bent their elbows in a way that elbows definitely should not be bent. The pain and the sound of it had been enough to blow them out like a candle.

They had the unfortunate suspicion that they wouldn’t be playing any instruments for awhile. Which was a shame, because they had just splurged on a beautifully crafted koto. Well, at least they survived somehow. They’d get to play it eventually, hopefully. Maybe they could use their feet? That could be an interesting challenge.

“Someone appears to finally be awake and very deep in thought.”

(Y/n)’s eyes snapped to the person casting a shadow over them that they had only just noticed. Though they had never personally had the honor of meeting before, (Y/n) knew exactly who it was based on the tales of other slayers.

“Oh, Kochou-sama, hello!” (Y/n) greeted, surprisingly chipper given their current state, “Sorry, I was just wondering if I could comfortably wear finger picks on my toes… You probably didn’t need to know that.”

Shinobu hummed a sound like a muted giggle and (Y/n) bit the inside of their cheek. She was every bit a ethereal in person as the stories described. (Y/n) could probably write a billion compositions about her and have not one be the same. Their fingers itched to pick at their koto or shamisen or biwa or… they could go on for awhile.

Their collection was quite extensive. It was a good thing demon slaying paid well or they would have probably starved. The closest they came to being in trouble financially was probably when they procured their prized piano from Italy last year. Money was tight for a while after that purchase. So again, it was a shame that their arms were in such a state when there were so many instruments to play and maintain.

“Exactly how long will I be restricted like this?” They asked.

Shinobu gave a sympathetic smile as she opened the drawer beside (Y/n)’s cot, “It will take months of healing and physical therapy, unfortunately. However, since we were able to operate on you quickly and successfully, your recovery will go much smoother.”

“That’s a relief to hear, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Shinobu smiled, she did so appreciate polite patients, and since they would be spending so much time together for the foreseeable future, it made her appreciate it all the more.

She turned to look over to Sumi, Kiyo and Naho who were busying themselves with changing the sheets on newly vacated cots, “Girls, help (L/n)-san sit up while I prepare their prescriptions.”

“Okay.”

“Right away!”

“Be right there, Shinobu-sama!”

Soon (Y/n) found themself surrounded by the three young girls. Carefully they brought up the cot and sat (Y/n) up.

“Thank you, that feels a lot better.” (Y/n) smiled sincerely, pleasing the young girls with their kindness.

“These girls are Sumi, Kiyo and Naho,” Shinobu shared, gently laying a hand on each girl’s head as she went down the line, “They will take care of most of your day to day regimens that don’t require my presence. They are very good at their jobs so do not hesitate to share any concerns with them.”

“Okay,” (Y/n) promised, tipping their head to the younger girls, “Thank you for your hard work.”

The girls glowed under the praise then scattered in a flurry of cheerful giggles to continue their tasks.

Shinobu chuckled quietly, turning her eyes back on (Y/n),

“This purple bottle contains sleeping pills, the green bottle is pain medication. You may take one of each as you need, but there is a mandatory six hour waiting period between dosages. I can give you both or one now if you’d like, otherwise I’ll just turn them over to Kiyo to store until you need them.”

“The pain medication would be helpful I think. Thank you.” (Y/n) figured they had slept plenty for the time being.

“Ever so polite,” Shinobu lightly teased, readying a pill and a cup of water. She poked (Y/n)’s lip with the pill, willing them to open their mouth so she could slip it in and quickly press the cup to their lips before the pill’s casing could dissolve on their tongue.

“Thank… you,” (Y/n) sighed, knowing they were probably being excessively thankful, but they couldn’t help it. Shinobu was so nice. They let Shinobu’s amused chuckle wash over them.

“Well, I must be going now. Take care (L/n)-san, many slayers tend to get antsy when they’re on leave for so long, but it is in your best interest to stay put, alright?”

“I will be on my best behavior, promise.” (Y/n) swore.

“Good.” Shinobu straightened the blanket that laid across their waist, gave their knee a swift pat, then went on her way.

(Y/n) sunk further back into the raised cot. Shinobu really was awesome, wasn’t she? Their fingers twitched beneath their bindings. What they wouldn’t give to play around with any number of their instruments right now. Practically everything they owned required use of arms and fingers. Even if they had only one arm at their disposal, they could have probably managed.

They did invest a stupid amount of money to ship in a kazoo to add to their collection, but something told them that if they were going to play it for the next several weeks, injuries be damned one of their fellow patients would leap into their cot and choke them with the noisy piece of plastic.

“(L/n)-san?”

“Hm?” (Y/n) blinked, Naho coming into focus beside their cot.

“Are you hungry?”

(Y/n) lit up. They could definitely eat something and they told Naho as much, excitement evident.

As they ate, Sumi went over what their daily exercises would consist of for the next couple weeks before they could allow more arm freedom and movement. Mostly it would be a lot of leg work and back stretches to keep them strong and malleable.

(Y/n) listened and asked questions as needed. It seemed like they would have a lot to do, hopefully it would keep them busy enough to keep their mind off of music for at least until they had arms to play with again.

***

It was just too painful.

(Y/n) sighed for the millionth time that morning, tapping their toes rhythmically against the metal bar at the ends of the bed.

It had only been a week and they were dying to play something. That kazoo was looking very good right now, choking hazard be damned.

The girls seemed to notice their discontent, but they assured them there was no issue. Just a little restlessness was all. A restlessness that had them envisioning every pluck of a string, strike of a drum, and current of air that went in to composing their favorite pieces.

It was maddening, almost torturous. Even Shinobu noticed how fidgety they seemed to be when she next came by to check in, slowly, yet firmly, pressed a hand to (Y/n)’s incessantly tapping feet, making them stop.

“Have the ants started taking over already?” She had teased once she finally caught their attention.

“Yeah,” (Y/n) answered sheepishly, “I’m really wishing I had gotten my legs broken instead.”

“You would be stuck here longer if that were the case. Leg bones take longer to heal, usually.” Shinobu informed, taking the chair beside (Y/n)’s cot, “Though I suppose there are more things that could keep your hands busy than your feet.”

They had a nice conversation about hobbies as Shinobu checked (Y/n)’s progress. Once (Y/n) mentioned their affinity for music, they couldn’t stop taking about it. They had just finished sharing their top five favorite wind instruments when they realized Shinobu hadn’t said anything in awhile and they got a little self-conscious, apologizing for their overzealous sharing.

Shinobu assured them there was no problem. She was thoroughly entertained and charmed by their passion. She also quite enjoyed music and the arts in general, but rarely had the time to enjoy such pursuits. That was when (Y/n) got an idea.

“Kochou-san,” they asked, “if it is alright with you, perhaps I could teach Naho, Sumi and Kiyo to play an instrument? I promise I won’t let it interfere with their duties, just something to work on in their leisure if they’d like.”

Shinobu hummed in thought. It would be nice to hear music softly playing throughout the halls from time to time. Patients also benefited from such gentle stimulation. On another note, far be it from her to deny the young girls a well-rounded education.

“If any of the girls want to play, you have my blessing to teach them. Though we don’t exactly have any instruments on hand. What we do have are so old they are strictly display only.”

“I’d love to see them sometime.” (Y/n) glowed.

“Perhaps when you’re more mobile, that can be arranged.” Shinobu smiled.

“Wonderful! Now, don’t worry about the instruments. I have a bunch at my house, depending on what they want to play, I could supply them each one of their own so they can practice at the same time.”

“How convenient,” Shinobu marveled cheerfully, “what instruments do you have exactly?”

“Um,” (Y/n) let out a nervous laugh, “it might be easier to ask me what instruments I don’t have.”

***

Shinobu had provided (Y/n) with a small group of Kakushi at their disposal to collect an array of instruments from their house. When they came back, (Y/n) was almost worried they had gone overboard with their requests as instrument upon instrument was brought in. They made sure to thank the group copiously for their patience and care.

When Sumi, Kiyo and Naho came in, their faces lit up. (Y/n) eagerly motioned for them to browse the collection and try whatever caught their eye. They shared all they knew about each instrument the girls’ hands touched. After much deliberation, they made their choices with the assurance that they could change their mind whenever they wished.

(Y/n) felt a familiar twitch in their fingers. They wished they could pick something up as well, but for now they would live vicariously through their new pupils as they taught them all they knew.

They started out with teaching them how to read music. It was cute how the girls seemed to pout. They wanted to begin playing right away. (Y/n) could understand the impatience. They were much the same when they first started. Then came the scales, finding out what button or chord corresponded with what note. Then simple songs that gradually grew in complexity as weeks became months.

“They’re so bright and talented and very hardworking.” (Y/n) had told Shinobu when she had come by to observe one day.

“It helps that they have such a good teacher.” Shinobu praised, making (Y/n)’s face feel warm, “I find myself a little envious, actually. Perhaps I should have carved out some time to join in on a few lessons.”

“I’d still be happy to teach you if you’d like. Even when I’m gone, I’m sure the girls could help pick up where I left off.”

“Oh I don’t know… careful, (L/n)-san,” Shinobu warned.

Though Shinobu had allowed the removal of (Y/n)’s casts, their arms were still tender and weak from disuse. Any heavy lifting was very ill advised.

“I’m careful, I’m careful,” They assured, picking up a small, rectangular device. Carved wood endowed with an array of keys and a couple thin strings visible towards the end, “This is a Taishogoto. It may look a little complicated, but I’m sure you’ll pick it up right away.”

“So much faith,” Shinobu chuckled, “We haven’t even started yet.”

“No time like the present!” (Y/n) grinned, presenting the instrument to Shinobu.

Shinobu smiled softly, taking the Taishogoto into her hands with great care and joining (Y/n) on the edge of their cot, she listened contently as they rambled on about the instrument’s short history.

“Will you play something for me first? I’d rather hear how it’s supposed to sound before I poison my perception with my own ineptitude.”

“I’m sure you won’t be that bad,” (Y/n) scoffed, “but I’m always happy to play for you.”

It was true, as soon as Shinobu allowed them to move more freely, they picked up a nearby biwa to play a quick tune as thanks. Their movements were a little less refined, and the callouses on their finger tips had unfortunately smoothed out a bit, but they promised they’d practice to make up for lost time and play for Shinobu when they were back at their best before they left. One song became two, three and so on until Shinobu had to go, but she did often stop by when she found herself with some free time.

(Y/n) enjoyed playing for Shinobu, but it was so exciting to teach her as well, and they had the added benefit to actually use their hands to show Shinobu how everything worked, a luxury they had not had when teaching the younger girls. Their hands happened to bump and brush a lot though, and it made (Y/n)’s heart stutter every time.

***

(Y/n) knew their time was nearly up. They would be officially discharged from the infirmary the next morning and there was much to get in order before then. The Kakushi had been gracious enough to take all of their instruments back home for them earlier that morning, with the exception of four, of course.

Sumi, Kiyo and Naho had been easy enough to find. When (Y/n) presented them with the instruments to keep, they had swarmed them and hugged them tightly, thanking them repeatedly and with enthusiasm. They gave their teacher an impromptu concert of all their favorite songs that they had learned over the last few months. It was a sweet sentiment, one that (Y/n) would not soon forget. If nothing else they had made a favorable impression on the girls as much as they had left an impression on them.

Now if only they could find Shinobu.

They had asked the girls about where she was, if it would be okay to see her for a few minutes if she wasn’t too busy, but the girls informed them that Shinobu was out on Hashira business and probably wouldn’t be home until late in the night or early morning.

But that was okay, they could wait, and so they did. They went about their day as normal and when the sun began to set, they staked their claim on a stretch of the engawa and waited for Shinobu to appear in the distance.

The sun sank lower and lower out of sight, soon replaced by a vivid waxing moon. The stars were dampened a bit from the warm light flooding out of the mansion, but it was still quite visibly a beautifully clear night sky. The weather was comfortable too, but even if it wasn’t, (Y/n) wouldn’t have minded the wait.

Though as portions of the mansion went dark and most sound seemed to cease, they began absently tapping the keys of the Taishogoto.

“Well, a little more practice wouldn’t hurt.” They murmured.

They took the pick between their fingers, plucking the string and tapping the keys to make sure it was all still in tune from when they last checked only hours ago. Then, they began playing a song, an almost haunting melody that Shinobu had once mentioned in passing to be her favorite. They would happily learn to play the song on every instrument the world had to offer if Shinobu asked for it.

They were beginning a fourth go at it when the air shifted around them. Looking to their side, Shinobu was there as if she’d been there all along, startlingly close.

“Ah!” (Y/n) flinched from the surprise, “When did you get home?”

“Were you waiting for me by chance, (L/n)-san?” Shinobu chuckled, not letting (Y/n) squirm for too long before continuing on, “I rarely come in through the front. Often times when I come back I don’t have a moment to breathe before I return to my duties here,” she leaned in and began to whisper, “don’t tell a soul, but I usually hop up on the roof for an hour or two to have some time to myself and reflect or just think of nothing at all. Do you think that’s wrong of me?”

“Of course not,” (Y/n) swore, “you do a lot of demanding and important work. You deserve time to yourself. I haven’t been disturbing you have I? Is that why you came down?”

“It is a welcome distraction. I wanted to get closer so I could hear it better. Do you mind?”

“Not at all.” (Y/n) smiled, busying themself with the keys, but not yet playing.

“I uh, I was actually waiting for you to come back so I could play this for you so this is perfect. I hope you like it.”

“I’m sure I will.”

(Y/n) picked up the song from the beginning and Shinobu closed her eyes to listen along, resting her cheek over her interwoven fingers.

When the final note disappeared on the breeze, it was peacefully quiet for a long moment. (Y/n) took in a lungful of the flowery sweet air, and turned to face Shinobu, holding out the Taishogoto to her.

“I have really enjoyed getting to know you over the last few months, Kochou-san. So much so, that I’m afraid I’ve fallen for you. If it will not burden you, even if you don’t return my feelings, I would like you keep this to remember me by and as one last show of gratitude for all that you did for me.”

Shinobu seemed to be frozen for a few moments. Starting to get cold feet, (Y/n) began to pull away, apologies already in the tip of their tongue, but then Shinobu put her hands over theirs, keeping them in place between their bodies.

“I will treasure it always,” she promised sincerely.

That would have been enough for (Y/n), but then Shinobu leaned closer still until her lips pressed tenderly into the side of (Y/n)’s face. They were almost too buzzed from the affectionate gesture to comprehend what Shinobu said next as she sat upright once more.

“I expect you back at least five days out of every month. Someone will need to keep the girls sharp and their skills,” she stood up with a small, almost sly smile, “and someone will need to join me on the rooftops for another midnight serenade or two.”

(Y/n)’s heart swelled.

“I can’t imagine anything I’d rather do more.”

[sketchyfletch]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @feralkwe (thank you!)

How many works do you have on AO3?

11. I also have various ones scattered on ff.net, as well as lost to time on livejournal and a graveyard on my googledrive. 

What’s your total AO3 word count?

77246. In terms of fic writing output, I’m one of those little pilot fish that hangs around friendly sharks. 

What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Dragon Age and the Arcana mobile game. I want to write more Mass Effect and I’ve done a Yasmin/Thirteen Dr Who ficlet. I used to write a lot of stuff for Naruto in my teens. 

What are your top five fics by kudos?

A Little Tender Loving Care - Arcana. Smut. Giving Nadia a massage. 

A Little Stronger You Thought - Arcana. A sparring practice with Nadia gets a bit hot and sweaty. Not actually smut this time. 

Won’t You Cleanse My Soul - Arcana. And we’re back to Smut. The bathroom scene taken to a conclusion not in the game. 

Not So Clean - Mass Effect. Smut again! Shepard and Traynor share a shower. 

Alone At Last - Dr Who. After Ryan and Graham leave the TARDIS, Yasmin and Thirteen finally push past a barrier in their friendship. 

Do you respond to comments?

Yes. I didn’t used to, but I love giving energy back to the people who took the time to write. 

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Back in my ff.net days, Leliana grieving after losing the Warden to the Ultimate Sacrifice. It implies Leliana dying as well. The angiest one on AO3 is Let it All Out, with Hawke spilling her guts to Leliana over everything that’s happened since they last saw each other in Lothering.

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Alone At Last. Most of my one shots have a happy ending but this in particular. 

Do you get hate on fics? 

I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid it, although I have had a couple of ‘helpful’ comments telling me what I should do with the characters next (which is a guaranteed way to make me go in the opposite direction, not least so the commenter can’t claim credit for the idea). 

Do you write smut?

Cough. See above. 

Do you write crossovers?

I sort of am between Dragon Age games as I like bringing characters from one game and putting them in the setting of another. I’ve also been picking at a ‘Shepard crash lands on the Wounded Coast’ fic which I’m not sure will ever see the light of day. 

Have you had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know. 

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope. 

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I’ve co-written a lot of storylines on forums, some of which have sprung out into me working on fics separately, but not collaborated on a fanfic before. 

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

That’s a tough one. I adore Isabela/F Hawke, and ship Leliana very specifically with my jabby Siali Tabris, but if I was to pick one it would be Korra/Asami. When the first season of Korra came out I made a post on tumblr commenting on the chemistry between the two and really liking the idea of them together, but stating that the network would never, ever let it happen. (Child of the mid-2000’s ‘bury your gays’ wars here.) Having it come true was huge from a cultural standpoint, and I remember sitting at the computer sobbing my eyes out at the finale. It was so important to me so for that reason, I think they’ll always been my OTP even if I never write a fic for them. 

Which now I want to. Dammit. 

What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I really, really want to write more of Aliyah Hawke’s story. I love DA2 but Hawke as a protagonist never grabbed me by the brainstem in the way my Warden and Inquisitor did. I want to build her up some more. She has five chapters up on AO3 and I want to save her from the ashes. 

What are your writing strengths?

I’m told I’m good at distinctive character voices. I like to switch around POVs a lot during fics to give different perspectives on familiar scenes, and the way I write inner monologues is very specific to the character who is the focal point at that time. 

What are your writing weaknesses?

I’m not an especially funny writer. Some people have a real knack for turns of phrase that leave you rolling on the floor, and sadly I am not one of those people. 

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have done this a lot as Nicolette is either Orlesian or French depending on what world she’s inhabiting at the point I’m writing her, and in reference to her faceclaim also has Indian/Rivaini ancestry, so I’d sprinkle her speech with bits of whatever her mother tongue is. I’ve learned to be increasingly careful about this because a) a lot of free translation tools are absolute arse and b) context is very important. 

Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

I’m actually currently writing it. ‘I Cannot Fly, So Let Me Sing’ started as a joke of me taking my very pacifist wandering minstrel character who I have been playing for years and playing with the canon like a ball of yarn until I could justify making her Inquisitor. It has been great working her into the story and also trying to weave in other character POVs, but I am currently taking a bit of a break as I have two bridging/important infodump chapters to write before I can move onto the next bit and I am STUCK. 

Tagging @shenaniginstigations, @aithne and @zombolouge

[enigmakiwi]

Finally finished miraculous ladybug season 5. And uh… I have. Some thoughts. About that finale.

It makes me angry that Gabriel is being considered by everyone to be a hero. I can deal with that, though. What really pisses me off is that Adrien now thinks of him as a hero. As though all that shit he’s done to him doesn’t matter anymore. As though his father’s abuse is forgiven because he “helped stop monarch.”

I think Adrien deserved to know. It would have broken his heart a little, but it wouldn’t shock him THAT much given how horrible he is. And it would make so much of what happened make more sense to him.

It’s kinda gross that this is presented as a happy (albeit slightly sad, seeing as Gabriel did die) ending. I take issue with it. I’m slightly miffed about other stuff (Adrien and marinette still don’t know they’re chat noir and ladybug, Luka came back for only about two seconds but I like the funky scene boy. Give me more of the funky scene boy. etc), but those things are just dumb little personal grievances that don’t actually matter and that I’m basically already over. But the fact that Adrien doesn’t get to know this crucial information about his father and suddenly thinks he’s some kind of hero is genuinely rather upsetting.

That being said… *huffs* …I fucking loved this season. I love that I was right in my theory about Adrien and Felix being sentimonsters and that Kagami is one too (or at least that’s… implied? They only directly stated that Felix is one. Not 100% on this), I love Kagami and Felix together (even if I can’t get over how funny it is that she’s now with someone who looks identical to her ex), I think it was really cool that we got to dive into why Marinette is Like That and see what actually happens when the cat and ladybug miraculouses are combined (just using both unified does not equal making the wish!), we got the most funny Gabriel bits ever (“you walked right into my house!” “Yes I did, Gabriel!” “What?! How did you know it’s me?!” As well as that… bizarre dance break), I actually loved watching careful, meticulous Felix showing us that he is, in fact, a loser 14 year old, I’m so happy that Nathalie is okay, I thought it was rad as fuck when she hobbled down to the basement to threaten Gabriel with a crossbow…….. etc etc I could go on all day.

I’m just. That ending. It left kind of a bad taste in my mouth. He deserves to know. It’s crazy that he’s thinking fondly and highly of his father. I’ve hardly interacted with the fandom on tumblr, much less posted about it, but I needed to get this rant out there and none of my friends are into ml.

Because uh. I dunno, it kinda feels like… Gabriel got the last laugh. He died, but he gets to be remembered as a hero and forgotten as an abusive parent.

I know a kids’ show isn’t gonna delve that deep into dark shit like the lasting effects of abuse, and I would never expect that, but at least let Adrien have more mixed feelings about his father (ie let him say something along the lines of “Even though he loved me, my father really hurt me… I don’t think I can fully forgive him for that yet. But he did something great in the end: he helped ladybug to defeat Monarch, even at the expense of his own life. I can admire him for that much. I guess I’m… proud of him.”) if you’re not gonna let him learn the truth, y’know?

I also thought it was… kind of sad that chat noir wasn’t even there for the big final battle? They didn’t get to do it together. But anyways, those are my big grievances. Otherwise, season 5 was pretty awesome.

[beck-a-leck]

(Tumblr is being poopy and won't let me answer an ask so screencapping the ask and making a different post)

Here you go, Nonny! I hope you enjoy! Some Alice and Martin getting some sage advice from the Most Married Couple in town.

💜💜💜💜💜

Alice woke in a foul mood. No surprise, given the state she’d gone to bed in, but part of her had hoped that a night’s sleep, even if it was poor and broken, would have helped her mood a little bit. It hadn’t. if anything, it made her feel worse. She cried in the shower, angrily going over harsh words spoken the night before, thinking of better retorts and planning further arguments. She made too much food for breakfast, too used to cooking for two, and dumped the extra food in the trash. Eggs wouldn’t keep well in the fridge, and nobody would eat the leftovers anyway. She clomped down the steps to the office of the outpost and must have looked as prickly on the outside as she felt because neither Scarlett or Livia commented on the explosive argument they must have overheard the night before. With her patrol schedule assigned, Alice walked out of the outpost in something of a haze. She pointedly did not look up the road to see whether Martin was coming out of his house to go to the smithy for a day of work. As much as she missed her husband, his face was the last Alice wanted to see at that moment. She was still mad at him.

A full day of work later, her anger had finally burnt out. After patrols around town, and escorting travelers through dangerous territory, and clearing out an unexpected nest of violent monsters, she was exhausted. Emotionally and physically drained. But Alice didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to spend another night alone. She was also too stubborn to go seeking out Martin to apologize. Alice knew she owed her husband an apology, but she knew he also owed her one. Alice put her head in her hands. She had a headache. She couldn’t even remember how the argument started, but it had been one of those times when enough little things piled up until the last straw broke the damn and everything came out. Nobody was right. Nobody was wrong. There was no winning an argument like they’d had. If Martin hadn’t finally stormed out they might have gone on yelling at each other for the whole night. People who loved each other weren’t supposed to fight like that, right? What did that mean for their marriage? “Alice? My dear, are you all right?”

Alice hurriedly sniffed and scrubbed at her eyes. She hadn’t heard Yuki walk up the path. “I-I’m fine, Yuki. Sorry, did you need something?”

“Well, yes, I came to check in on you. You haven’t been yourself today. People are worried.”

Alice felt even worse. She hadn’t realized her sour mood was bad enough to worry people around town. Yuki settled in on the bench beside her.

Not wasting time on small talk, Yuki cut right to the chase. “Scarlett mentioned you and Martin were fighting.”

“We had a bad argument last night.”

“Bad enough that someone slept on the couch?”

“Bad enough that Martin went back to his old house last night.” Alice sighed, and then a sob bubbled up from her chest, and then she was crying to confessing everything to Yuki.

The old woman patted her back soothingly and offered a handkerchief when Alice needed to wipe her eyes.

“I’m so scared, Yuki, what if this is the end of our marriage? What if we made a mistake marrying each other.”

“Do you feel that way?”

“No, but what if Martin does?”

“Has he said he feels that way?”

“No.”

Yuki patted Alice bracingly on the back. “Couples argue, Alice, a fight, even a bad one, isn’t the sign of a bad relationship. When you love someone so much, you know just the right things to say to hurt them the most, and they can do the same. You should have been there for some of the fights Randolph and I had when we were younger. There were times I was in the same place as you… times when I thought maybe this was it.”

Alice sniffed. “What do you do?”

“We took the time we needed to cool off. Then we talked about it. Didn’t always end in a hug and a kiss, sometimes we made compromises that ensured neither of us were entirely happy, but we always moved forward knowing that our love and our marriage was worth the work we were going to put into it so we could be together for the rest of our lives.”

“And what do you think I should do?”

Yuki thought for a moment. “I think you should take the time to look at things from Martin’s perspective before you talk to him. He’s not a cruel man, he doesn’t say unkind things for pleasure. If he said those things to you, he must have some reasoning behind them. You know him better than anyone. Take a minute to get into his mind, and then once you’ve done that, talk to him.”

“Thank you, Yuki, that’s good advice.”

“Hard earned from many years of experience.” She chuckled and got ho her feet stiffly. “I’ll leave you to it, dear. Oh, and Alice, a little apology present never goes amiss at a time like this.”

Alice thought for a moment longer before getting to her feet with renewed determination. She was exhausted and it was beginning to get late, but there was enough time and energy left for her to run one quick errand.

She finally returned home late in need of a shower and some dinner, but with a pocket full of quality ores. She’d done what Yuki suggested, and had put herself in Martin’s shoes as she hammered away looking for ore. It reminded her of one of their first dates, and that help her stay in a generous mood as she worked. She had turned over their argument and looked at it from every perspective, and she believed that now she was ready to talk it through. Now she just needed Martin to be ready to talk too.

 As she climbed the steps to the second floor, she found herself wishing she’d kept the breakfast leftovers because she didn’t have it in her to cook anything else today, nor did she have any desire to go to the restaurant. The scent of cooking food greeted her, grilled fish and seasoned vegetables frying, and something sweet in the oven. Martin was in the kitchen.

Their eyes met and they both looked away embarrassed.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” Alice responded.

It was like they were strangers again.

“There’s still about thirty minutes left on dinner… if you want to get cleaned up first.”

“Okay.”

Alice showered and changed into her pajamas and came out just as Martin was setting dinner on the table. He’d set two places. They ate in uncomfortable silence. Martin cleared the dishes.

“So… we should talk.” Alice broached cautiously. If he wasn’t ready for this, they would just end up yelling at each other again.

“Yeah.” Martin dried his hands on a dish towel and leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing his arms tightly.

“Can I go first?”

Martin nodded, and Alice aired her grievances. She went over everything she’d thought to herself all day while she was working, and what she’d thought about after her talk wit Yuki. She finally ended with tears brimming in her eyes, “I don’t understand why all of a sudden you think I’m some precious porcelain doll that needs protecting Martin. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself now, and that won’t change in the future. You know that. You know what I’m capable of.”

“I know,” Martin sighed. “I’ve been unfair to you, I know I have. Alice, you are so precious to me.” And then he took his turn explaining his side of things. Giving Alice a look from a perspective that she hadn’t seen in her earlier musings. It showed her how much more she had to learn about Martin in their many future years together. “…You… you make me feel safe, did you know that? You give me this sense of security that I haven’t felt in a very long time. And I hate that because of the way it makes me think of you. I stop seeing you as a person, as my partner, as the love of my life, and I just see you as… as a security blanket. It’s not fair for me to put all of that on you, because you are your own person. And I hate that I need you so badly to feel safe. Because what if I lose you someday?! I… Alice I can’t lose anyone else close to me. People can just disappear forever, and I am powerless to stop it! But damnit, I try anyways, don’t I? And where does it leave us?”

“Martin…” Alice crossed the kitchen and wrapped her arms around her husband. He held her tightly, burying his face in her neck.

She hadn’t thought about this. Hadn’t thought about how the loss of his parents as a child would affect him now. Sometimes, because Alice could not remember her childhood, she forgot everyone else could remember theirs. They had histories that were more than a few years deep. They had depths to them that would take time to uncover because that’s how lifetimes were supposed to work.

Alice couldn’t, and wouldn’t, stop her work as a SEED Ranger and Earthmate. There were some dangerous tasks that only she could do. But to ease her husband’s fears, she could take efforts to be more careful. They could work together to craft the best armor for her.

They could move forward together.

It wouldn’t be easy or neat, but it would be worth the effort.

Alice pressed her forehead against Martin’s. “I love you so much, you know that. Marrying you has been the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“I know. I love you too. And I’m sorry. I hate fighting with you.”

“I do to… let’s just promise that when we argue we’ll both take five minute to calm down before things go too far. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” They kissed and held each other close.

[ikubaes]

i'm not sure if you will ever look back on here after interaction we had on friday, but i want to write this anyway... i wanna answer everything you wrote in your post... and i think this is just me subsequently wanting to talk to you more.

i have to admit, i was a little confused as to why you broke no contact with me first on the 3rd and then writing to me on the 12th... if we weren't gonna talk... this could just be my confusion, but i always thought reaching out first meant having a conversation with the other person? i guess maybe i didn't reply fast enough? the message and post gave me a lot of hope for a future "us" would that look back at this moment in time and just laugh at how silly we were being.

things in your post made me think you did wanna talk, so i was a bit surprised by the reaction i got when i approached you. i knew it was your birthday and there's a million other things you'd rather be doing, but i don't know... it confused me a lot. this isn't me being upset that you didn't want to, it's just the way i was processing everything... it's okay, though. i told you that i wouldn't rush you. not that you ever have to talk to me either... i feel like the ball has always been in your court when it comes to us reconnecting... it's really your call... your comfort. i'll always want to. not because i think of you fondly because you loved me so dearly, i want to because i truly feel as if we're meant to be in each other's lives if we carry holes in us that are entirely shaped like the other.

i want to talk you again, be in your space again, feel you trust me again, laugh with you again, link arms with you while we walk down the street again. i genuinely love you. i never stopped. i guess the problem was that i never really cared what we were, as long as we could fall on each other and talk... maybe that's my fault.

i'll list my contacts here that are quicker than tumblr if you do wanna talk... i won't bother you on instagram again.

discord: mostlyfate / twitter: @idluanymore

i really don’t know how to start this off. i don’t even know how many days have passed since i finally saw what was on your blog. it’s kind of funny, actually. i’ve went back and looked on here a bunch of times throughout the past year but i never felt able to check the stuff on your blog. it felt invasive, for some reason. even though we kind of built this together (didn’t we?) it felt like i wasn’t allowed to go back on there, so i didn’t. but that day i was having a particularly hard time and i was feeling your absence in a way that just saying “missing” doesn’t seem to cut it. i was talking with a new friend who doesn’t know much about you and i guess i said something in relation to you that made them say something along the lines of: i don’t know what happened because you don’t talk about this but i can tell this is still hurting you. it caught me off guard, i guess it’s never nice to be called out. either way, that night i was really looking for your words. i felt silly but i read plenty of tomin and i wanted to remember what you said to me in letters. i vaguely remembered you maybe addressing me at the end of gifts, so i finally checked your blog. imagine my surprise, i wanted just a paragraph of you telling me i was valued and i came across all that. it froze me, it’s frozen me for several days. i find myself in a state where i don’t know where i stand and i don’t know what to do. i regret never getting closure but i didn’t dare to mess with how it was ended.

that is kinda funny that you were never able to look at my blog... i looked at yours a lot, especially the little note you wrote me at the end of tomin's 500 days. sometimes it would make me cry. sometimes it would make me smile. on the tail end of 2023, it would mostly make me cry. we did build these blogs together and now we're here, tip-toeing around each other on them years later. i also miss you in a way that "missing" doesn't encompass either. i'm sorry the thought of me still hurts you, i really wish i could do something about it; i really want to. i don't really say sorry a lot either, so i really mean it when i say it to you. i'm happy my words were able to reach you. i hope you could feel the fondness and love i still hold for you in them. this part "i find myself in a state where i don’t know where i stand and i don’t know what to do. i regret never getting closure but i didn’t dare to mess with how it was ended." is what made me think you wanted to reconnect with me, on top of the message from the 3rd.

with the topic of you talking to your friend who doesn't know a lot about me, i had a similar experience. i made a new friend last year who was also a taylor swift fan, i also kinda delved into her music a lot more after we stopped talking because i always told you i liked her girly, country albums more than her newer stuff and it was also just an excuse to feel close to you in some way. at least we'll be listening to the same songs. so, it was when she dropped her eras tour dvd thing online. we were watching it, making commentary and the song 'the 1' came on. i busted into tears. it was so uncontrollable, we had to pause and all i could do was cry about all of the memories of you flooding through my mind about how you said it reminded you of me.

i’ve thought about you throughout the year. i’ve thought about you, your sister, your brother, your friends. i’ve thought about the “i hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted and i hope i never hear a thing about it” quote. not in a negative way, of course. i wish for your happiness because i still genuinely think you are deserving of love but i don’t think that’s something that will ever include me. i think you remember me fondly because i loved you so desperately and i believe you will be able to find other people, like me, who will love you like that. it just won’t be me, and that’s fine. all the love i showed you is yours to keep and i hope you know that.

i thought a lot about you too. i've thought about those around you and how jealous i am of them. the quote does hurt, but i really hope i do get to hear about everything good that's happened to you even if it doesn't involve me. i still think there's a chance for us, so i do think you could be involved if you wanted to be. i don't remember you fondly simply because you loved me. i remember you the way i do because despite all of the stuff we went through together, we could always smile at the end. i think about you so sweetly because you were my rock, the person i went to everything with, the person who would sit with me for hours, bantering and creating and allowing me to love her. i'm sorry the kind of love i was capable of back then wasn't what you wanted. i truly am sorry. i recognize now that to a person who feels one type of love so strongly, being around the object of their affection that can only give another form of love must've been really hard. we had so many memorable times together... so many of my formative moments in my late teens and early twenties were with you. a part of me grew up with you. i love for for many reasons and not one of them is simply because you loved me.

it does make me feel less lonely to realize you remember me in such kind ways. in my constant self-villanization i feared the occasional aches i felt were one-sided and i was nothing more than just a fleeting memory to you. i wrote this down a lot. do you miss me? do you think about me? are you fine with all this? am i carrying this all alone? i guess i’m not. it makes the burden a little less heavy and then you wonder, isn’t this kinda ridiculous? but i don’t know.. i don’t know. i guess i wanted you to know that i still carry you too. in the small things, the iu and the red velvet, the fromis 9 and the furuba. that silly black cat is still in my bed, but now he wears a cinnamoroll hat and goes by a new name. i changed a lot this past year, mostly my interests. i realized half-way i was just pretending there was a three year gap where nothing happened, avoiding things i shared with you and sheltering myself in things i wouldn’t find you in, even though i always found you. did you know jeonghan from seventeen’s favorite movie is my tomorrow, your yesterday? did you get the 1004 from him? i always think about these things. do you remember when i told you juyeon from the boyz was kinda jeongmin coded? do you remember when we made an idolverse and i ripped off their discography? do you remember jeongmin? a lot of people are surprised i kind of stopped caring about twice. but how could i? i couldn’t even explain it. i walked around with holes i forcibly ripped away until i found something else to patch them up. i made new friends, factory reset my life.

i do miss you. i do think about you. i wasn't fine with it and i still am not fine with the distance between us. you're not carrying anything alone. why is it ridiculous that we both miss each other dearly? did we not love each other for 2 years? do we both not wish we could still be around the other? i never really tried to forget you, if i had to be honest. of course it stung, but i took it as me just simply still caring about you. after the initial pain had waned, i think my love for you simply crystalized in my heart; it was still there, just condensed and solid in place. i never really tried to change my interest either, i thought in retrospect, it was kinda sweet that our voices would echo behind the others' whenever we spoke about common things we shared. i'm happy you still carry the black cat around with you, even if she's different now. to be loved is to be changed, no?

i hope one day you'll be able to enjoy the things you enjoyed with me with yourself again... and if you don't want to, that's okay, too. interests change all the time. i rewatched our beloved summer this past summer because i missed you the most then and all i could think about is how we ended up paralleling yeonsu and ung.

i didn't know his favorite movie was my tomorrow, your yesterday! dang, does that mean we're both basic? /lighthearted and i got 1004 because it means cheonsa in korean! i always thought it was cute, it's cute that that's his birthday, too. i also happen to like juyeon these days. the boyz, not so much, but i do like seeing juyeon's photoshoots. he is jeongmin coded, isn't he? i still remember jeongmin. my favorite muse to ever exist, of course! i remember everything about him, you could still quiz me now and i'm sure i'd get a 100% on a minnie quiz.

coincidentally on the 3rd, i accidentally typed jeongmin's name instead of jeongin for a show i was watching with a friend. i was surprised myself that his name was still engrained in me.

i'm happy that you have a good crowd around you. i'm also surprised you can't find yourself being invested in twice anymore since i remember they were the main group you collected. i hope that changes since they were your girls for so long.

saying it like that kind of makes it sound miserable, but i’m not, or at least i’m not most of the time. i don’t want you to think i am struggling, i think i’ve managed to hold myself up pretty alright. though i am emotionally unavailable in ways that surprise me when i look back at us, the person who i am today vs. the lover girl i was… please always cherish that love because i don’t know if i will ever be able to give it away like that. so devoted the lines blur. my new friend said it’s concerning when i said i let the people that love me do whatever they want with or to me, but i don’t know. maybe one day i will learn, but please don’t let all that i gave you be in vain. if you still have those days where you feel too difficult, always remember there was somebody that really loved you and would’ve done anything for you. i don’t need it to be mutual anymore, i just want it to be acknowledged.

i'm glad you have been living a good life. i truly am. i hope you have brighter days than you have dark. i do cherish all of the love you gave me. i just wish you would let me give it back to you in a manner that i couldn't back then. so devoted the lines blur is a beautiful way to put it. i do still have days where i feel too difficult, that's all i could think about the first couple of months that we didn't talk. how inept i was. how i couldn't seem to get it through my thick skull that you did love me. i wrote about this in my first post to you and a little bit in my second, too. how i couldn't seem to get a grasp on my interpersonal problems that made me feel so unlovable. get a grasp on my sexuality. asking me to believe you loved me back then was like asking an atheist to believe in god. they simply couldn't. i think we argued about how i didn't feel like you cared for me a few times because the way you portrayed it wouldn't register in my worm-infested brain or something like that. the problems we had back then really escape me now. i know a lot of it was because i had a hard time admitting i had feelings for you because of my confusion in my sexuality, how turbulent my life was at one point, how moody i was, too, and how we never really talked about it afterwards. how things just were swept under the rug because we wanted to salvage what kind of relationship we still had with each other. i think we were both really insecure with the other, too. i know i was really immature too. short with you, too. couldn't understand why you kept saying or doing things that upset me. i've healed a lot in therapy, i'm coming up on one year in therapy soon. i've done a lot of work pertaining my family problems and my emotional dysregulation. i think i saw my therapist 3 times a week during the summer because i really needed someone to talk to about everything. my therapist does know a lot about you... i hope you don't mind. i recently came out to a lot of my friends and loved ones, too... learned a lot about my sexuality through other queer south asian women and it was a very healing experience. which is funny because i remember you clocking a long time ago that my man-chasing shenanigans were just me displaying "fatherless behavior" and well, it was true. you clocked a long time ago that i was comp-het and a flaming lesbian in denial, too. i still laugh thinking about how i told you how much i loved women growing up and you just called me gay. i know you said you didn't wanna hear a lot about me, but i did wanna share this with you.

i’ll always remember you. i’ll remember how you said that you liked how i loved you like a puppy, how willing i was to do anything for us. you’re someone i’m always going to remember because you showed me how much love i am capable to have, to feel and to give.

to this, i want to tell you that there will always be a chair, decorated with stickers with matcha bubble tea sitting on it, waiting for you, at my table for you. there's always space in my heart and life for you if you ever decide you want to be there. i wouldn't have to make space because it would simply always be there. i see a future for us. i really do.

p.s.: i tell people you were my ex girlfriend. it’s much simpler that way. is that okay with you? almost one year no contact, can we finally admit we were in a two year long relationship? it’s okay if not. i always felt i would’ve been easier to love if i had been a boy.

i admit we were basically in a relationship with each other. i'll happily be your ex girlfriend. you wouldn't have been easier to love if you were a boy. not in the slightest. i'm sorry if i made you feel that way in a state of how underdeveloped i was back then. i love you for everything you are.

i think about that question, "if you were in a room full of people you loved, who would you go to first?"

undeniably, irrevocably... i would go to you.

i hope you had a fun birthday. i really hope i hear from you soon. if i don't, i hope my words touch you once again.

as always, i love you and i'm always here for you.

[sybilcerezo]

Bittersweet Symphony & Insecurity (TW)

Sybil Cerezo (10/15/2022)

Sitting on my bathroom floor staring at a bowl of cherries for an hour is definitely not my ideal of a fun night. I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I was so very excited to take notes on what I observed on the fruit when the reality was it quickly became morbid. Being a Bipolar Schizophrenic, I find that it’s not very ideal for me to be alone with my thoughts especially if I’m not medicated. Once the dark thoughts on everything I’m insecure about started flooding in I began looking closer at the cherries in front of me.

From a distance one would think “they’re just cherries, red and sweet” but to me they are so much more. These cherries in particular were bright in color, a bit more firm in texture, and most importantly the exact fruit I used to sustain my anorexia. A bit of sorrow began to enter my body as I stared at how the bathroom light reflected on its skin, how bright it shined. It was almost a metaphor in regards to how the light in my eyes faded years ago, yet here these cherries were, I envied them. How could something so beautiful continue to seep beauty even after the negative impact it had on me? At quick glance you’d think they were perfect but staring at them for an hour I began to notice the imperfections on its skin. Some had small brown specks that signified them going rotten, some being attached to a stem and others simply being a red sphere with no brown stick being stuck to them. Lifting the bowl to my nose I could smell them, almost sweet but potent in a way that let me know that although they smelled sweet, they didn’t taste the same.

As I persisted in my observations I decided to pick the cherries up and organize them in the bowl, I pulled the stems off and stared at every single one before placing them back where they had been before. By doing this I noticed some cherries had what I would call “scars”, minor cuts in their skin that appeared a bit darker in color. I started to think that maybe they weren’t as perfect as I thought after all. My own body is riddled with scars, the difference is that mine were there purposely. The cherries didn’t ask to be cut into but neither did I. Carving into my limbs was a bad habit that unfortunately came naturally whenever I felt immense sadness or frustration. The more I spent time with this bowl of “fruit” the more human it felt through my thought process. Just like humans, cherries leaked a red liquid when cut or bit into, their skin bruised just like mine, and were easily ripped apart like my mental and emotional state. I slowly felt myself begin to cry, all the negative memories I have tried so desperately to lock away suddenly came flooding in. Thoughts of hurting myself burned my brain like the Notre Dame Chapel in 2019, the urge to relapse into the arms of my old friend anorexia worse than before, and images of myself lying in the ER with slit wrists began to flood my mind. This overwhelming anger felt as if it was going to rush out of me, it was nauseating and not in the slightest bit euphoric like my manic episodes. I took that bowl of cherries and I smashed them in my palms, reminding myself that the person I was remembering wasn’t who I am anymore.

Looking down at my hands now stained red and sticky from the fruit, I licked my palms and there it was, that bittersweet sour taste. Suddenly I was 13 again and the year was 2015 as memories of my days of infamy on “pro-anorexia” tumblr began rushing in. The amount of times I posted my frail thin body that resembled a corpse for all the world to see. The amount of comments flooding my page telling me how beautiful I was and how they wish they could be as thin as me.

Finally, in the last 20 minutes I broke and cried at the top of my lungs with a shower floor covered in tart cherry juice and pits. Due to my schizophrenia this experience really was vivid and I did hallucinate a little bit but nothing too extreme. After the hour was over I finally stood up, looked at my bared naked body in the bathroom mirror and cried. I didn’t recognize the person I was staring at, younger me would consider myself “fat” now and want to start eating the sour cherries. The same ones that somehow made me lose my appetite for weeks at a time. As I stood there with tears in my eyes an old song by Nicole Dollanganger began to replay in my head, her haunting voice singing “'Cause I know you can only starve so much 'Til you like how it feels. Sitting on a throne of bones, staring at that cold meal. If only I could make you believe you deserve everything, Every spoon and bite, anything you want to eat 'Cause I know you can only starve so much before you'll die. There's parts of you already gone I can never revive, Please Eat, Please Eat.” A bittersweet symphony to a completion and insecurities painted in the juice of sour cherries.