sybilcerezo

[sybilcerezo]

listen the fact is that a lot of poor people ARE bad with money. i have terrible impulse control around spending 5 dollars here and 10 dollars there and i know so many people around me who have this problem too. but its not "this persons bad with money, so theyre poor"; its "this persons poor, so theyre bad with money". i dont know when i'll be able to get a little treat or eat out or buy myself something that will make me happy again so i have to do it now. idon't know when i'll afford food again so i have to buy it now. i don't feel confident in the fact i'll ever have the cushioning to genuinely enjoy expendable income, so instead of saving and hoping (only to have my savings routinely wiped out for moving, or medical costs, or a car accident), i spend it now so i can enjoy life now.

i think if you see poor people ebegging constantly but two days ago saw them posting about a fancy coffee and a pastry, you need to stop viewing "spending a few dollars you maybe shouldnt" as something that requires the Punishment of "can't pay the fucking bills". some of us, just like, need to feel like we have some kind of normalcy in our lives because being poor fucking sucks

[sybilcerezo]

@/briscoepark. “Save Us” twitter, 19 mar 2021.

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

Had a bad day thinking about the same old tale I’ve been replaying in my head for the past 2 years. So I went to see “Babygirl” (5/5 ⭐️), ran 20 minutes late to the theater but was able to catch the trailer for Adrien Brody’s new film with Felicity Jones “The Brutalist” while wearing my Ethel Cain pylon crew neck. Am I naive to take it as a sign that I’ll be okay, that it’s normal to still be experiencing the stages of grief after all this time? Dumb to think that probably… but I genuinely lost a huge part of myself that night… I keep wondering when it’ll finally be okay for me to “crash out” or simply break… still I hold all my grief and its comfort inside… I decided to play “Strangers” on Apple Music after leaving the theater because “Am I making you feel sick?” has been my life’s mantra since my diagnosis, only to realize it was now available in Dolby Atmos which is something I’ve been dying for since its release!! So obviously now I’m wandering around listening to Preachers Daughter because it’s a whole new experience getting to hear every different vocal & instrumental layer. Having the music move all around you, hitting from every corner, It’s like listening to it for the first time all over again. I’m not an audio nerd (kind of) but I cannot find the right words to explain in depth how much this format gives the album a more lively and engaging atmospheric feel. I’m taking it all as a sign, idk, this album has embodied the stages of grief for me personally, each track correlating with very specific memories and feelings. Not to sound dramatic or anything, but I find taking the smallest things as signs is the only thing giving me any peace of mind lately.

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

my life has been nothing but misery over and over and over. Like sure there’s been moments where I feel what others would consider “happiness” but I don’t feel things like most people. I don’t feel human, every time I wake up I feel like my own skin isn’t mine, I feel like a stranger in my own body even when I look in the mirror. I’m tired of always being so fucking lonely, I’m tired of constantly fucking struggling with no breaks, I’m so fucking sick of breathing. All I want is for everything to stop, words cannot describe what I feel every single minute of the day and night. I don’t sleep in because I’m lazy or refuse to go to bed early, it’s genuinely because I’m actually happier in my dreams, I feel so fucking alive in my dreams, all I ever want to be is asleep. I constantly feel like the world is caving in on me, like everything is falling apart and ready to collapse yet here I stand and still I stay for a “better tomorrow “ that never comes. I don’t want to die because I’m depressed or selfish, I want to die because maybe, just maybe when I go I’ll be in an eternal state of dreaming. I have nothing to look forward to, I hate everything about myself and my fucking life, I’m always miserable and when I do try to come out my shell I end up getting used and walked all over. I feel like I’m suffocating every day of my life, I was never supposed to live this long. Most will never understand what’s it’s like to go to bed every night hoping you don’t wake up, praying to god that he’ll take you in your sleep or let you wake up as someone else. To have to look at the people who love you right in their faces as they smile and express care and love knowing that you can’t reciprocate it. That no matter how hard you try, regardless of what you do, you’ll still feel alone, empty, cold, withdrawn, out of touch with everything and everyone around you. It pains me every single time I have to hear "but you were happy before, you were in love with me, we have all these good memories and so much to look forward to, you'll get there again". Because I know that it's never going to happen. that's not how my brain works and I can't keep apologizing over something I never asked for and can't control. I could have everything I've ever wanted and still want to die. I'm not happy, l've never been happy, the moments I've seemed "happy" is a distorted, twisted, amalgamation of what l've seen other people do and express in certain mannerisms, tone of voice, etc when they're "happy". I'm always wearing a mask, I don't mean to be fake but my brain isn't wired to feel things the way most do. I wish more than anything was normal, all I fucking want is to be normal and I hate that l'll never be.

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

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[sybilcerezo]

Jonna Pierotti 's

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

Hi,

I don't know how to say this and I don't want to come off as insensitive, so forgive me if I am, I truly did not intend for it.

I really liked your cover of Nicole Dollanganger's Cute Aggression and after I couldn't find it on YouTube anymore, I went looking and stumbled upon your Tumblr.

I wanted to leave a comment on YouTube about how much I liked your vocals in the cover ages ago, but was too cowardly to do so, so here I am telling you now.

I hope wherever you are in life that it's better now, and if it's not, then do not hesitate to reach out and get help.

I'm grateful for the cover because it found me in a time where I sought comfort after a really terrible relationship with an abusive person.

I won't pretend that I have any idea how terrible it has been for you, because I am only a stranger, so it probably won't mean much when I say this, but I wish you the best on your path and that its never selfish to try and lead a life as best as you can with what you've been given. This world is cruel enough to try and convince you otherwise.

All the best

- Anon

PS: sorry for bad English, it's not my mother tongue

This means a lot more than I can put into words, thank you so much! I've been having a hard time and this really put a smile on my face! This alone has given me the motivation to put it back up, I originally private it due to insecurities in my own voice and vocal abilities overall. I understand how hard it is to long for or be okay after an unhealthy relationship, I've been there many times before. Leaving is such a hard task but it's a signal of your strength and inner sense of self worth. It's absolutely liberating once you're free from the mental and emotional shackles that once bound you, it gives you back your sense of power. Thank you so much for your kind words, truly Im genuinely so grateful! I'll be making my cover public again tonight, remember you're worthy of a healthy relationship, never allow yourself to be disrespected. From one survivor to another, you've got this! (you're English is perfect btw) I hope you have an amazing day or night, wherever you are in the world, you're the best.

edit: Im so sorry it took me forever to respond, I'm not often active on Tumblr so I hope you'll forgive me for my timing.

sincerely,

Sybil Cerezo <3

[sybilcerezo]

Lately life feels more lonelier than ever, I really wish I could just wake up as a completely different person. Someone with a background of privilege, never having to know burden or hardship ever again. I miss not having to worry about money or how/when I'll be able to feed myself without having to worry about whether I'll make rent or not. No one in my life understands this whatsoever and it's honestly frustrating having no one to talk to. Most times I cry myself to sleep praying and hoping that by some twisted miracle I won't wake another day to struggle. Just sleep forever. It'd be easier than doing the deed myself because then my family won't hate me for taking the "cowards" way out. I won't be labeled "selfish" simply for not wanting to live on in misery and emotional/mental anguish every single breathing second of every hour of the fucking day. "Work Hard" they all said so I did and still do and FOR WHAT? None of my efforts have paid off, I'm working towards a dream that's more distant now than it was before, most of the people I considered my friends were opportunists who only talk to me when they want money from me. And my only real friends seem to be too busy to hang out with me. I'm drowning in issues with my health, school, work, finances, etc. Sure" everyone goes through this" but it's far from the truth, and maybe I shouldn't compare myself to others but what am I doing wrong? I've come to learn there is no god, no higher power, the only real god in this world is money and this isn't the world I want to live in. Stuck at the bottom of a machine while smug faces enjoy the product millions of people work hard to produce. Never enjoying the fruit of my labor, watching as those undeserving stuff themselves, writhing in the sin of gluttony. I have no faith left in the human race as a whole, most days I silently hope an asteroid comes and wipes the entire planet out. Maybe then we'd be sanctified and in a few millennia there'd be another shot at getting everything right. I hate my life, I have nothing to be happy about and nothing to look forward to. I've finally given up on clinging to the false hope of "it'll get better" because truly it never does. Nothing lasts forever except poverty, anguish, etc it seems, how sad that only the bad continues to live on. I'm tired of mourning myself and the life I'll probably never have, death seems freeing, inviting, comforting. It never gets better.

[sybilcerezo]