sybilcerezo

[sybilcerezo]

hate having no one to talk to. everyone expects me to be there whenever they need but I’m still fucking alone. in my 20’s and somehow nothing has changed since I was 13. so fucking close… so close to jumping off the ledge.

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

my life has been nothing but misery over and over and over. Like sure there’s been moments where I feel what others would consider “happiness” but I don’t feel things like most people. I don’t feel human, every time I wake up I feel like my own skin isn’t mine, I feel like a stranger in my own body even when I look in the mirror. I’m tired of always being so fucking lonely, I’m tired of constantly fucking struggling with no breaks, I’m so fucking sick of breathing. All I want is for everything to stop, words cannot describe what I feel every single minute of the day and night. I don’t sleep in because I’m lazy or refuse to go to bed early, it’s genuinely because I’m actually happier in my dreams, I feel so fucking alive in my dreams, all I ever want to be is asleep. I constantly feel like the world is caving in on me, like everything is falling apart and ready to collapse yet here I stand and still I stay for a “better tomorrow “ that never comes. I don’t want to die because I’m depressed or selfish, I want to die because maybe, just maybe when I go I’ll be in an eternal state of dreaming. I have nothing to look forward to, I hate everything about myself and my fucking life, I’m always miserable and when I do try to come out my shell I end up getting used and walked all over. I feel like I’m suffocating every day of my life, I was never supposed to live this long. Most will never understand what’s it’s like to go to bed every night hoping you don’t wake up, praying to god that he’ll take you in your sleep or let you wake up as someone else. To have to look at the people who love you right in their faces as they smile and express care and love knowing that you can’t reciprocate it. That no matter how hard you try, regardless of what you do, you’ll still feel alone, empty, cold, withdrawn, out of touch with everything and everyone around you. It pains me every single time I have to hear "but you were happy before, you were in love with me, we have all these good memories and so much to look forward to, you'll get there again". Because I know that it's never going to happen. that's not how my brain works and I can't keep apologizing over something I never asked for and can't control. I could have everything I've ever wanted and still want to die. I'm not happy, l've never been happy, the moments I've seemed "happy" is a distorted, twisted, amalgamation of what l've seen other people do and express in certain mannerisms, tone of voice, etc when they're "happy". I'm always wearing a mask, I don't mean to be fake but my brain isn't wired to feel things the way most do. I wish more than anything was normal, all I fucking want is to be normal and I hate that l'll never be.

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

Jonna Pierotti 's

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

Hi,

I don't know how to say this and I don't want to come off as insensitive, so forgive me if I am, I truly did not intend for it.

I really liked your cover of Nicole Dollanganger's Cute Aggression and after I couldn't find it on YouTube anymore, I went looking and stumbled upon your Tumblr.

I wanted to leave a comment on YouTube about how much I liked your vocals in the cover ages ago, but was too cowardly to do so, so here I am telling you now.

I hope wherever you are in life that it's better now, and if it's not, then do not hesitate to reach out and get help.

I'm grateful for the cover because it found me in a time where I sought comfort after a really terrible relationship with an abusive person.

I won't pretend that I have any idea how terrible it has been for you, because I am only a stranger, so it probably won't mean much when I say this, but I wish you the best on your path and that its never selfish to try and lead a life as best as you can with what you've been given. This world is cruel enough to try and convince you otherwise.

All the best

- Anon

PS: sorry for bad English, it's not my mother tongue

This means a lot more than I can put into words, thank you so much! I've been having a hard time and this really put a smile on my face! This alone has given me the motivation to put it back up, I originally private it due to insecurities in my own voice and vocal abilities overall. I understand how hard it is to long for or be okay after an unhealthy relationship, I've been there many times before. Leaving is such a hard task but it's a signal of your strength and inner sense of self worth. It's absolutely liberating once you're free from the mental and emotional shackles that once bound you, it gives you back your sense of power. Thank you so much for your kind words, truly Im genuinely so grateful! I'll be making my cover public again tonight, remember you're worthy of a healthy relationship, never allow yourself to be disrespected. From one survivor to another, you've got this! (you're English is perfect btw) I hope you have an amazing day or night, wherever you are in the world, you're the best.

edit: Im so sorry it took me forever to respond, I'm not often active on Tumblr so I hope you'll forgive me for my timing.

sincerely,

Sybil Cerezo <3

[sybilcerezo]

Lately life feels more lonelier than ever, I really wish I could just wake up as a completely different person. Someone with a background of privilege, never having to know burden or hardship ever again. I miss not having to worry about money or how/when I'll be able to feed myself without having to worry about whether I'll make rent or not. No one in my life understands this whatsoever and it's honestly frustrating having no one to talk to. Most times I cry myself to sleep praying and hoping that by some twisted miracle I won't wake another day to struggle. Just sleep forever. It'd be easier than doing the deed myself because then my family won't hate me for taking the "cowards" way out. I won't be labeled "selfish" simply for not wanting to live on in misery and emotional/mental anguish every single breathing second of every hour of the fucking day. "Work Hard" they all said so I did and still do and FOR WHAT? None of my efforts have paid off, I'm working towards a dream that's more distant now than it was before, most of the people I considered my friends were opportunists who only talk to me when they want money from me. And my only real friends seem to be too busy to hang out with me. I'm drowning in issues with my health, school, work, finances, etc. Sure" everyone goes through this" but it's far from the truth, and maybe I shouldn't compare myself to others but what am I doing wrong? I've come to learn there is no god, no higher power, the only real god in this world is money and this isn't the world I want to live in. Stuck at the bottom of a machine while smug faces enjoy the product millions of people work hard to produce. Never enjoying the fruit of my labor, watching as those undeserving stuff themselves, writhing in the sin of gluttony. I have no faith left in the human race as a whole, most days I silently hope an asteroid comes and wipes the entire planet out. Maybe then we'd be sanctified and in a few millennia there'd be another shot at getting everything right. I hate my life, I have nothing to be happy about and nothing to look forward to. I've finally given up on clinging to the false hope of "it'll get better" because truly it never does. Nothing lasts forever except poverty, anguish, etc it seems, how sad that only the bad continues to live on. I'm tired of mourning myself and the life I'll probably never have, death seems freeing, inviting, comforting. It never gets better.

[sybilcerezo]

[sybilcerezo]

𝒊 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒔𝒐 𝒔𝒎𝒂𝒍𝒍

may 26, 2024 - texas

[sybilcerezo]

Life Update:

TW: Life hasn't been the kindest to me these past 4 years, I'm at a point where I've lost all faith in humanity and my future. I feel selfish in the sense that there are people experiencing worse than me and yet here I am loathing my own life. Growing up I was always told "you have no right to feel like that because others have it worse than you" as if my own pain makes me selfish, does it? I feel like I'm drowning, I haven't seen my friends in months, my health is deteriorating, and overall I'm on the verge of allowing myself to be consumed. I can't even put into words exactly what it is that I'm feeling, all I do know is that I hate everything about myself and every fucking aspect of my life. I'm tired of mourning who I used to be or who I could've been, drowning my sorrow out with substances, leaving my body scarred... I just want to give up on anything I have left, I've already given up on my dreams and school, soon I'll give up trying to make a living in general. I genuinely want to disappear, just save every dime I can and fall off the face of the earth, go off grid, I have nothing keeping me here. To anyone wanting to come to Los Angeles with this false sense of hope or ideology that its "amazing and full of opportunities" or "I'm gonna make it big", as someone who was born and raised here I promise you'll only be disappointed. This city is full of leeches and parasites willing to use you and suck you dry if it means they can benefit from your downfall. Don't believe me? Then good luck, I've seen many people hit rock bottom and end up on the streets because they refuse to admit failure and go back home with a fragment of what's left of their dignity. I hate it here, I hate everything, genuinely, I fucking hate everything. I don't think I was supposed to survive as long as I have, I keep having life threatening health issues pop up it's like the universe is telling me "your time to go is now". I never feared death in the past but recently I've developed a sense of love and longing again and that's made me fear it more than ever before. The "What If" of it all, either way It's not enough to make me stay. For so many years I stood silently singing: "I'm here, waiting for you 風に吹かれ　一人迷っても, I'm here, waiting for you 風に吹かれ　一人迷っても" the time has come to let the wind carry me home <3

[sybilcerezo]