#I remember in 5th grade I had some fake ones but they broke :(

[fitzfunnymoments]

I wish nendoroids weren't so expensive </3

[sunnychuuya]

Pookie what the flip is this I'll answer them tho lmao at least I'll try it might be slightly venty so srry about thar

yea most of the time I geuss. They suck a little sometimes but they try their best and I love them

2. My gc with my besties to say gn

3. So. So. So fucking much.

4. Its been getting a lot better lately but some days I still feel actually sickened at the sight of my own body

5. Single..

6. Painlessly. Hopefully much much later.

7. Taco belllll

8. I did soccer for a year when I was 4 and I want to attempt figure skating at some point, I'm really good at goalie in alot of games though

9. No I have two fake teeth that stop me from doing that (lore drop!!)

10. Never been in a fight. Just one sided against me if I wasn't absolutely fucking terrified of getting in trouble I would've beaten the shit outta some people, I suppose the closest thing I ever got was in 5th grade some dude was a repeated bully of mine I can't remember what it was about this time but he fucking grabbed my arm and twisted it like this fucking close to breaking it and I tried to kick him in the balls and a teacher yelled at me 🥰 he had no consequences

11. I mean I'm a Lil confused. I just got out of my first ever real relationship and I'm still recovering tbh. But I had liked my friend for three years previously and I still love him alot but I can't tell if it's platonic or not. I think it is now?

12. O n l y 48 hrs?

13. I hate alot of people tbh but I kinda hate myself for hating them cuz that's normal

14.yea

15. MY SILLY PUPPIES (one is 11 years old)

16. Fucking terrified cuz I'm about to play the second episode of sally face

17. I still have my lip virginity bro

18. HELL SPAWN

19. Maybe. I kinda wanna be a little kid again but also it wasn't the greatest for me outside of my house so I don't even know.

20. bRO PELASE STOP I HAVENT-

21. Nothing lmao

22. Idk maybe someday. Probably one maximum 2

23. Basic ear piercings but God I want more

24. English and science.

25. Yes.

26. Physical touch I need to cuddle up with someone right now I genuinely feel like I'm dying

27. I mean yea and I feel horrendous about it it broke my heart too but it wasn't a healthy relationship and was fucking up both of us

28. YES IN FUCKING FIFTH GRADE- I SWEAR TK GOD- I don't think he understood but like bruh

29. Please you're making me want to grab a knife and take it to my stomach I didn't want too but it needed to happen.

30. Same as sai, the questiond about relationships but for a different reason like God I felt horrendous enough already

31. Sai how fuckin dare you I love u okay ur like super cool and fun and I feel if I met you irl I would've wanted to be friends with you too. But I'm pretty sure I am. I just still sometimes have trouble believing it.

32. OURPLE

33. Whaaat noooo- WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU-

34. Last one thar wasn't jusr black was about choso from jjk and it was really silly I'm such a fucking degenerate bro help me

35. My dog clifford

36. Yes oh fuck yes I do and it has given me some of my worst regrets in life

37. Forgive, barely ever turns out well tho.

38. I wish its sucked tbh

39. NEVAH

40. proly when I was like a baby

In skipping numbers too for my brain to work

51. Tacoss

52. I mean technically yes it does I could go into science but I'm sure thats not what you mean, but no I do not believe everything happens for a reason because of some higher power or whatever

53. Played sally face for an hour then texted some friends cuz I was too fucking scared to sleep

54. Fuck no

55. I try not to be

56. None

57. I dunno.

58. Rainy

59. Yesss

60. Yup

61. Yeess

62. Idk alot of things surprisingly anime/friends/kpop tho r all great and video games

63. I like my name but it doesn't always feel like it fits but there's nicknames that help :3

64. STOP THIS

65. Heyyy this happened to me. I politely turned him down and we r still besties I went to his house 2 weeks ago

66. Yes. Same friend. When I went to his house he snorted fun dip and I RANTED to him about kpop for 30 minutes even tho he knows nothing

67. OH FUCK WAIT ONE OF MY BESTIES ID A TRANS DUDE I FORGOT HE TECUNIXALLY COUNTS AS OPPOSITE SEX KINDA IDK CUZ SEX IS LIKE ??? I DONT FUCKIN KNOW IG HIM BUT IF WE DONT MEAN GENDER BUT SEX THEN THE SAME DUDE FROM THE LAST TWO

68. Deepest within the last month was a 3am sleepover chat with my bestie over how mha saved my life

69. Idk

70. Yea at least 10 ppl

@mypinterestgotbannedsoimherenow totally understand if u don't feel like answering these btw they r kinda hard

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[softboyscully]

Public School Stuff I Wanted to Share

public school is both beautiful and horrifying am i right

so ill just go by the grades i guess

Kindergarten, first year

i did kindergartden at a catholic school in a relativly big city so this one’s got some shit

we went to church every wednesday, me and best friend (lost track of her when we moved, wish we’d stayed in touch, she was awesome) would giggle the whole time, pretty sure we made fun of jesus once, can’t remember why, possibly the hair

i had the nicest teacher, she was (as i remember her) young, blonde, and super sweet, that was the first and last year i ever had naptime

SPEAKING of naptime

i never slept during it

once i found what i remember being a nut of some sort on the ground, probably came off someone’s shoe

i grab it, turn to sarah (my best friend), say something about putting it up my nose

sarah, apparently having common sense, says, “no dont do it!! we’re supposed to be sleeping!!”

i put it up my fucking nose

try to get it out, just push it farther in

im crying a little bit now, that shit hurts

go up to my teacher

“you’re supposed to be asleep!”

“i have a nut up my nose and it wont come out”

teacher tries to get it out, but it wont budge

just. sends me back to my mat

that was it

the art room was tiny

like re-purposed broom closet tiny

there was a copy of the mona lisa in the hallway, someone had drawn ray bans on it with a pencil, never got replaced

there was a creepy-ass basement i went down to after school, we ate cheeseballs and sandwiches with some kind of meat, mayo, and that kinda yellow bread

someone broke his leg down there once, think an older kid threw him at the ceiling or something

we learned how to play Silver Bells with actual bells in music class

Kindergarten, second year

i remember these two teachers as the evil step sister-type look, but it might be my little kid imagination

but seriously they were horrible

we learned stuff in a room that was more middle-school styled, except everything was green or black and it was v dark

me and sarah attained a new friend, john

honestly i think we would’ve stayed friends for a while if i didnt move away

i have two vivid memories

one is of me really wanting to go home, so i walked by the teacher’s desk and did a fake sneeze

they laughed at me and told me to go sit back down

the other is  john leaning his chair back and then falling, so me and sarah went to help him back up

it was funny, so he did it again

and again

me and sarah were laughing, had the time of our lives

after the maybe fifth time the teachers said “john can get back up by himself. sit down and stay there.”

one of the reasons we moved was bc i got sent a letter from my fourth grade buddie

most of the words weren’t spelled correctly, many letters were backwards

my mother was horrified

ofc now we know it was probably a learning disability 

1st grade

this is when i moved

beginning of school i was ASTOUNDED we didnt have uniforms, one of the best things ever to happen to me

nothing wrong with this teacher, she was cool

thing is i was a little shit

told everyone my dogs died (they did but i was maybe three when it happened, i remember it not)

all my personal narratives were bullshit (only one sticks in my memory, wrote it about celebrating christmas AND hanukkah with my dad’s friends who were jewish, i have never even met those friends)

had a crush on this kid, best friend (she was terrible and helped wreck me emotionally) told me to kiss him in music class. me being a stupid ass bitch, i did it, aND HE GOES TO THE TEACHER AND CALLS ME OUT. at the end of class she gets both of us to stay for a bit, AND I DENYIED EVERYTHING. i walked across the fucking classroom, kissed him on the cheek, ran away giggling, told my teacher i didn’t do anything, AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. i’ve embarrassed myself further with this child but thats another story

2nd grade

i loved this teacher but honestly he was absolute shit

like. all he did was play the guitar and sing with us

never actually taught us stuff???

middle of the year, my mom goes in for a parent-teacher conference, he tells her i dont pay attention is math.

“what do you mean?”

“she doesn’t listen, she just takes out a book and starts reading.”

“........have you.... tried taking the book away?”

“sure, i could try that.”

“o....kay”

he also told her i’d be a girl who’d grow up to love spellcheck (which i do lmao)

like ???? why not just??? teach me to spell????

there was this one dude who one day showed up, gave me a pink stuffed cat, and then asked me where i lived

funniest thing was he lived on the same street as me

something that is vivid in my memory is showing up to class one day and realizing that i was wearing my regular clothes over my pajamas

also we had fish

every day someone else was in charge of feeding them

one of the times it was my job, i grab the fish food and walk over to the tank only to find all of the fish floating on the top

i screamed “THE FISH CAN FLY?!?!?!?!?!”

everyone ran over, all of us scarred for life when Mr. G walks over and goes in the most normal voice ever “no theyre dead”

we held a funeral

the cause of death is still undetermined

3rd grade

this year just draws a blank for me

all i know is that whoever the teacher was, they neglected to teach me how to tell time from a clock

also we learned the Cotten Eyed Joe dance in gym around here

4th grade

i had two teachers this year

one was the same one from 1st grade, the other one was a total bitch

made a girl named hannah ball her eyes out once, never apologized

i was (and am) and avid reader, so my reading skills were high above average

instead of being proud of me she told me i was weird, not normal, and too smart for a 4th grader, so i MUST be cheating. 

she was the start of a lot of self confidence issues for me ngl

this was around the time i went and got tested for ADHD (me and my grandmother almost broke down on the highway but thats another story), Mrs. M (the nice one) was super supportive when i told her why i was leaving early but Ms. S (bitch) told me ADHD wasn’t real and i just wanted to be special for once

she sucked, Ms. S

5th grade

this is getting super long so this’ll be the last one i do

but my teacher..... Mr. F was A+++++

he legitimately taught me math

we had i guess like,,, a buddie class we switched with sometimes

the teacher of that class was Mrs. R, who had crazy red hair and many freckles

at one point she referenced a meme and my entire class started screaming

also there was another Mrs. S (to differentiate this one will be called Mrs. Su)

she was kind of crazy

she was the astronomy teacher and she told us many times that the moon landing was faked

once she handed out sunscreen and had everyone put it on their whole body (this was in december, fyi)

Mr. F also hosted an ‘archeological dig’ which sounds cool but in reality he had a bunch of arcade prizes from his childhood buried in little flower pots we dug into with plastic spoons

also heres some stuff i cants pinpoint the time of/happened in multiple grades:

someone held a who-can-scream-the-most-like-a-goat contest

a guy named Makenzie won

remember we planned it while the teacher left the classroom so the teacher walks back in and one by one everyone in the room starts screaming, there was some applause, a few kids got a standing ovation

we cleaned out our desks in the middle of the year, i found 3 socks and a dog treat in mine

like how the fuck did any of those things get there

and where’s the fourth sock

b o t t l e f l i p p i n g

but no seriously there were at least five water bottles stuck in the ceiling in the cafeteria

my sorta friend charlie was obsessed with paper airplanes

one time he might’ve broken the world record for longest time in the air but he was counting in his head and it was at recess so there was no video

four square and gaga ball would be played no matter the setting, time, or conditions and it was super competitive

like if you could get to king in four square you got the everlasting respect of everyone

and everyone was super educated on four square special rules, special plays, that kinda shit

no but guys i grew up with bus stop, candy store, haunted house on mondays, haunted mansion on fridays, zombies was fair game unless it was Zach, Ryan, Chrissy or Vee

me and one other guy named andrew were the only known pjo fans, had the time of our LIVES making refrences

“HEY ANDREW IM NOBODY”

“I HAVE WAITED YEARS FOR YOU, NOBODY, COME HERE AND FACE YOUR DEATH”

“hey annabeth, i thought you looked like a princess when i first saw you. i printed out a picture you sent me casually and kept it with me. i snuck along on a quest so i could save you, endangering myself immensely. i held the sky for you. when you talk about your crush on luke, i get jealous. beckendorf understood, but hes dead.”

“ikr we’re literally the best of friends”

“RIGHT”  

also the first time we finished mark of athena we were in the same classroom and we individually dropped the book, stood up, looked at each other, and screamed “WELL FUCK YOU TOO RICK RIORDAN”

[faedawayyy]

SIBLINGS I DESPERATELY WANT - FEMALES

the back stories are very specific but fc’s are up for debate, i guess. 

HADLEE QUINN TW: SEXUAL ABUSE 

21 or 22  OCCUPATION/STUDYING: up to you. SEXUALITY: up to you.

hadlee and brielle always had a rocky relationship. yes, brielle was the child of teen parents but they had hadlee four years younger at just 13/14. she’s gotten used to growing up with the bare minimum and still idolises her parents.  when brielle opened up about her dad, she refused to believe her. she idolises their parents and thought brielle was just attention seeking as usual. this fractured their relationship and bond even more.  now that brielle has moved out, she is starting to experience some of the stuff that her younger sister did. she’s just too proud/afraid to admit it because she feels like if she pushes away her parents, she’ll lose everything. personality: creative, individual, a little quirky at times, friendly but also quite emotionally detached and distant. she always wanted that picture perfect life in high school but was also sympathetic to the fact that her parents were poor and doing their best.

NATES SISTERS: THIS FAMILY IS SO PRECIOUS OMG.

LILIANNA ‘LILLIE’ HARWOOD

27  - 6TH MARCH, PISCES  OCCUPATION/STUDYING: it’s your choice SEXUALITY: asexual   lilianna is the oldest of the harwood siblings and she’s that cool older sibling that the other sisters so desperately wanted to be. she’s the trend-setter of the family and it’s pretty clear to see that taylor, posie, nate and evie have adopted personality traits of hers. she spent her teen years having to fight them off and lock her door to stop them from pestering her.  other than being witty and sarcastic, lilianna was born an over-achiever. she was the only one out of her siblings to attend a private school outside of the springs because she got the grade for a good scholarship. she then set her sights on cambridge for university to study medicine. nobody knows why, but she would put insane amounts of pressure on herself to be a good role-model for the others and was almost like a third parent.  in her second year at cambridge, she eventually burnt out and her mental health broke down. she couldn’t help but feel like she’d spent her early and mid-twenties working, stressing and over-achieving and she missed out on all of the messiness that comes with it.  a secret of hers is that despite being open about her sexuality since she was around 18, she’s never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. it’s just never happened for her and now she’s seeing her younger siblings date, she’s starting to feel pressured to find somebody. however, she feels like in such a sex-positive generation, it’ll be hard for her to find somebody who accepts her for who she is. she still lives at home by choice and nate’s parents are eager to normalise that young adults/twenty-somethings CAN still live at home. with lilianna’s anxiety still pretty rocky, they’d prefer it that way anyway.

TAYLOR HARWOOD 

26 - 21ST APRIL, TAURUS  OCCUPATION/STUDYING: acting and modelling  SEXUALITY: heterosexual 

if lilianna is the cool, trend-setting older sister then taylor is the *spice* in the family that her other siblings could sometimes do without. it shouldn’t be mistaken; ALL of the harwood siblings love each other and they’re probably as close as families come, but from the moment she was born, taylor had it clear that she was the star. think kim kardashian vs. her sisters; she’s the stand-out and loves to have all eyes on her. she’d be the one signing up for her school’s productions, forcing the others to put on shows for their parents and constantly stealing lilianna’s clothes to sneak out of the house in.  taylor was in stage school from a very young age and during her first year in high school, her mother agreed to fly out to los angeles with her and her agent to audition for different productions; this is where she landed vicotrious. everybody was excited for her and taylor was sure she’d got her big break. as everybody knows, victorious was a huge success and she became a household name at a very young age.  taylor dropped out of school and was schooled on set while she worked. their mother spent most of her time in los angeles while the other siblings stayed home with their dad. in what would have been taylor’s last year of high school, victrious was cancelled and ended. since then, it’s been a struggle to get any work and she eventually moved back home. this was a hard transition for taylor. she felt as if she was washed up at 18 and had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. she went back to school for her final year but was severely bullied by jealous girls and people who were eager to see her downfall from the start. one girl even rewarded her the “biggest has-been” award which completely humiliated her at her graduation after party. unlike lilianna though, rather than retreating and taking some time for herself, she threw herself into more smaller projects. she has a determination to make it and when she got into st judes, it felt like a new chapter for her. she’s already moved out and has her own apartment downtown but happily comes home to see her siblings as much as she can. her life’s goal is to make sure that nobody ever forgets taylor harwood.

POSIE HARWOOD 

25 - 5th AUGUST, LEO  OCCUPTATION: model SEXUALITY: heterosexual 

posie was named after her grandmother; josephine ‘posie’ harwood. compared to her other siblings - nate included - she’s always been more laidback. her parents (and lilianna) more or less dragged her through school kicking and screaming. she rarely had motivation to do anything and just wanted an easy life. more or less the complete opposite of lilianna and taylor.  since posie grew up under two huge personalities with big ambitions, she definitely got to fly under the radar a lot and neglected typical responsibilities you have to remember when you grow up. for example, she got away with dropping ice-skating when all of her siblings were made to stay in extra curricular activities, her grades were never as good as her sisters and all in all, she wore the ‘family disappointment’ badge with pride. she’s quite content with riding their coat-tails for as long as she can.  although lazy, posie is also extremely social and loves meeting people and having fun. she had the most typical teenage years with fake i.d.’s, a string of good for nothing boyfriend’s and riding on temporary highs. her siblings know her as soft and loving, but to people outside the family, she definitely has the label of being the more argumentative one.  when taylor was being picked on in school, it was posie who put things to rest by punching the girl in the face. when a boy broke evie’s heart, it’d be posie to serve him revenge. on top of that, she’s aware that she’s beautiful and her favourite thing to do is string people along, get what she needs from them and then move on to the next best thing.

EVELYN ‘EVIE’ HARWOOD  TW: GROOMING

18 - JANUARY 4TH, CAPRICORN  OCCUPATION: you pick.  SEXUALITY: you pick.

evie is the youngest of the family and adores every single one of her siblings, although by default she’s probably closest to posie and nate. like most little sisters, she’s got a bit of each sibling in her.  but alongside this, she’s also struggled to find her own identity and would often cling to the others in order to feel included and like she had direction in life. evie struggles with dyslexia - a common learning disability - and never found school easy. she’d always had tutoring and that was ramped up when it came to her exams. all of her siblings also pitched in to help her; lillianna with science, posie with english and nate with maths...taylor was a little too busy, but offered the moral support. she passed her exams and she still has it down as one of the best days of her life because she definitely thought she’d be the first one in the family to fail.  after seeing how much fun posie and nate were having at st judes, she decided to try her luck and was even more surprised when she was accepted there too. for the first time in her life, it felt like she was getting somewhere on her own and she was.  her first year at the school has been quiet and she’s struggled a little to form friendships without the guidance of her older siblings. the bigger personalities have definitely overwhelmed her but she’s slowly finding her feet. one person who has particularly been a good support system for her has been her tutor, who helps her manage her dyslexia when lectures and assignments come around. he’s always boosting her up and has at times let her get a better grade than she would’ve got by editing her assignments for her. there have been a few times where she’s been invited to his home; usually with a study group but the last few times have been just her.  she’s starting to feel slightly uncomfortable around him. especially since he’s been making the work harder so that she needs to rely on him more; he also sent her a christmas present this year in the form of a revealing dress and jewellery for her ‘christmas party’..which she isnt sure is fully appropriate.  while she doesn’t feel like she can open up and (quite frankly) is afraid to, it’s made her cling to her other siblings more than before.

[flirting-with-psychology]

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? Spinach today

What was your last Facebook notification for? Someone liked my profile pic

What bands have you seen live? Demi Lovato and some that my parents took me to

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She used to design exhibits

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Make friends

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? Blow jobs (not young young obviously but in high school I thought they sounded gross)

What are your plans later today? Go to bed

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? DnD

Who do you talk to the most? My boyfriend and my parents

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Not do stupid impulsive things (although I kind of wish I did)

Who is your best guy friend(s)? Probably John

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? It’s fine the way it is

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? Keep it 

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Yes, I thought I broke or dislocated my toe, but i did not

Do you think your first love still loves you? It was unrequited

What is something that is “going right” in your life? I got a car and the vaccine

When did you feel ready to start dating? Like 5th grade but it took till high school for people to be ready to date me (and till after college to get past a couple dates)

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? Idk. She always threatened to bite but I can’t remember the last time she actually did

Where were you the last time you made out? My couch

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? Idk

How do you type your sad smileys? :( or :/ depending on the mood

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? No, but my mom does

What was the last soda you drank? Izze

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? Probably being insecure

Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yes, to get my wisdom teeth out and pull down my canines and remove half my thyroid

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? No

Who was the last person to hit on you? My boyfriend

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? Go to bed early

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Idk

What do you put on hot dogs? I don’t eat hot dogs

Ever fallen in the shower? Probably

Do you think that things will get better? I hope so

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? No

What’s your favourite book genre? Fantasy

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? No

Do dogs like you? I think so

Would you say that you project an air of authority? No

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Maybe

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) One

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? No

Who do you know that had a baby recently? My cousin

Do you like Usher’s songs? Not too many

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? A couple years ago

Have you ever ridden a train? Yes

What do you eat your French fries with? Garlic aioli sauce or nothing

Do you have family problems? Not really but I’m sick of living with my dad

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Gummy vitamins

How do you like your grilled cheese? Nice and toasted but soft on the inside

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? Idk, I don’t really cook What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play with toy animals or play pretend

Have you ever been close to drowning? No

Have you ever had a panic attack? Idk

Do you like doing housework? No

Would you ever get implants? No

Do you own a robe? No

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? No

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? I eat it but it’s not my favorite part. If it’s really hard from being reheated I cut it off

What was the last song you listened to? I'm listening to Forever & Always by Taylor Swift

Have any of your family members been to jail? No

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? Maybe, I haven’t been able to get in touch with one of my childhood friends and idk why

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? No

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? Idk, it’s hard to pinpoint

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Yes

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? Kinda? Idk. I wanted to be an artist, a scientist, and a teacher. I am still into creative things and I’m interested in science, and teaching might be fun if it didn’t have so much public speaking

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? How I Met Your Mother

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I would be very scared and angry, and probably try to find a way to dodge the draft

What is your favorite Queen song? Bohemian Rhapsody, I’m basic

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? I did when I traveled there

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? Probably

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? No

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Always

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? Idk what my favorite date was. Probably just get a meal

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

What is the reason you’re still alive? Luck, probably

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yes, the partner’s. And an airbnb

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? Not usually

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) Probably

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Not that I recall

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Tired, thought about my covid shot

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Yes

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Yes

Would you date someone with a physical disability? Depends what it is

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I hope the fuck not

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Tried to get a red ombre but it didn’t really take

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My boyfriend

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? Lol no

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? Sometimes, mostly with my boyfriend. I like AmITheAsshole, AnimalsBeingJerks, and HoldMyCosmo

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? I was a flower girl in my uncle’s wedding and I think I was something in a babysitter’s wedding

Are your parents in good health? Probably about average for their age

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? No

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? Maybe my purple checked ones

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? Not really, other than some disney character ones from when I was a kid

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? Headache or period cramps

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Spiders but both

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? I tried a halloween themed set once

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? I guess native american? idk

[aidenoes]

Im kinda bored so this is a little story time about a toxic best friend i had for many many years

Tw : s*lf-h*rm, s*icid*l thought, forced coming-out

To make the story easier let's call her Fish.

So... it started in primary school, i had moved out into a new city when i was in 3rd grade. That's when i first met her and we never really talked much. Then came 5th grade when we actually became friends.

And middle school happened and that's when everything went downhill real fast. In 6th grade i was still friend with her and i tried to get along with her other friend who was a bitch at that time, and i was too, so we never got along (even tho she is now my best friend bc we realised how much Fish was toxic lmao). So i had made new friends and she had too but we still made up over time and the other girl wasn't hanging out with us anymore.

Moving on to 7th, there was a new girl that came at the school at the beginning of the school year (who is also my bestfriend, props to her for staying with me all these years) and Fish immediately started talking to her. Eventually we have a group of 5 friends :me, her, our boyfriends and the new girl. The thing is that there was a trend of s*lf-h*rming yourself just to pretend to be depressed and sad, and Fish was one of the people who followed that trend. Me, being an absolute idiot, had no idea of the gravity. Well, i mean, i knew it was bad but my bestfriend was doing it so it's fine right ? No, it was not and i almost gave in to but i was afraid to harm myself so i never did. And that example is just to show how much i copied her, i destroyed my relationship bc i wanted to be like her and my ex-boyfriend was so good to me. Her relationship was like an light switch, you never knew when they were back together or not. We also had a skype group and messenger group of just three people: me, her and the new girl. Me and the new girl would badly roleplay and she would tell me, and only me, that i was cringy and leave the group chat like that. And i had no right to tell her i didn't like something about her, but she could though ? I let it slip anyway. I thought i was really happy, then came the worst year of my school life.

8th grade. At this point, Fish and her boyfriend had broken since he apparently abused her (im not sure since she is prone to lying) but i was still in good terms with him. Well we were not the best of friends but i wouldn't punch him (now i would bc he became such a fucking dick). But Fish started to become distant, as if she didn't want me around anymore but i ignored it thinking it was all in my head. One day, our teacher assigned us new places in class and i was next to her ex-boyfriend. We of course talked in class and laughed together. But out of nowhere, she started doing the sign where you slit your throat with your finger, y'know ? I thought she was doing it for kidding and i was just really confused, it was break after that class anyway so i can ask her wtf that was. She came to me and thought i was plotting against her with her ex-boyfriend and just told me to go fuck myself basically. I waited for my now ex-boyfriend and my friend to come-out of their class and explained to them what happened while containing my tears. They tried to go to her and try to understand wtf went wrong and funfact: nothing went wrong and she was just being a bitch and i later learned she just wanted to move on and discard everything from the past year, including me. But i didn't know that, i thought i broke everything, i thought i broke our group friend, i felt guilty and i felt, alone. My boyfriend that got out of school just before me went to my mom that was there to come pick me up, that i wasnt really well and he went away when i got out. My mom did ask me what was wrong and i told her that i'll explain when we're home. At home i explained everything and broke down in my moms arm, i dont know if i cried out of anger or sadness, but seeing me cry was enough for my mom to hate her with all her guts. I've felt so lonely after that. I had no one to eat lunch with, i had no one to be in group in class with and i had no idea of how to occupy my brain when i had no one to talk to, i read in the morning waiting for the friends i had left, i would draw whenever i had to wait alone and i would eat fast to get out the fastest possible. I also lost everything i was since at that time i was like a sponge of personality and just squeeze out whatever the personality people wanted out of me. I had lost everything and i didn't want to be here anymore, i just wanted to die honestly. And i think i wouldve if i didnt think there was my family and my friends. However, it does not end here ! Bc my dumb ass made so many more mistakes ! Bc one day in our technology class i had to work with her for an assignment and we gradually made up until we became friend again, but i was still wary of her and my s*icidal thoughts were still very present. So i was still very toxic and pushing the people that were there for me away. My boyfriend broke up with me. I didnt know what to do, but looking back this was such a good decision for him and for me. I am so thankful for him to have broke up with me, but at that moment i was a bit hurt but at the same time i saw it coming so i had so time to grief about it. A month later my mom decided to bring me to Mauritius (where she is from) bc she thought i had a hard time no having her around for the first time which is kinda true but not all the truth. I had no wifi and no way of contacting anyone. That was so refreshing ! That's when i started to understand that i had the right to think for myself first and not be a fucking carpet for everyone to walk on. I was not out of the shit but i started to understand how to get out.

9th grade, was my savior. This was the best year of my life with nothing to worry about except an exam at the end. You remember the girl in 6th grade that was a bitch ? Yeah we became close friends during that year bc i realised she was a bitch bc she was badly influenced on in 6th and 5th grade. And the new girl remember her ? That's also the year when we got close, the year where we became best friends, when i learned to be and love myself and the year when i started to stand up for myself. I have some bad daddy issues and i have almost always shared my problems with Fish but i started sharing less toward the end of 8th grade. One day i was complaining that i had to be basically the messenger bird of my parents and she looked at me annoyed and tell me 'why don't you go to the police ?'. Like we didnt ??? Like she thinks that my dad was harassing my mom and we didnt ?? That's basically saying 'don't be' to someone who is sad. And i explained that to her and she was like 'don't complain to me if you're going to flip off like that when im giving you a solution', excuse me bitch... what ? I was hella mad. She came fake apologising like a few weeks later. And one day she came out to me as pansexual, great for her, and i was also questionning my gender and thought i was genderfluid so i came out to her. She was like 'oh ok' and i sent her some memes about genderfluidity and she was like 'stop this is annoying'. So i shut my trap. I also learned that during a school i didnt went she faked some anxiety and was being a bitch bc her friend wouldnt come to a shop with her even so another one was ok with going with her. I eventually started to understand that she was bad for my mental health, so i just started ghosting her bc i just didnt want to talk with her anymore and i didnt know how to confront her. She came up and grabbed and pulled me by my backpack that was full of shit just to ask me why i didnt answer to one of her text. I was so scared i just told her i wasnt feeling well and just told her i needed time. The year went by it was great and i didnt want to be in cold with Fish but i also didnt want to be her friend, i wanted to just be classmates, however when she was told this she understood : 'they want to be friend again'. So she clung with us next year.

10th grade, was last year and was full of drama. And we only had 6 months of school. 10th grade is the first year of highschool and the only year where we don't have an exam. I also had a forced new friend that we're going to call Taz so we don't get mixed up. She was also very clingy and it felt like having a leech stuck to me. And Fish was being very, let's say embarrassing and making us feel uncomfortable. She would make ton of sexual joke and we told her it was making us uncomfortable but she would apologise just to do it again the week later so we just gave up. She also outed me in class, thankfully the class was really noisy and only my bestfriend heard it but this fucking bitch just asked outta nowhere 'so you're still on this whole thing about being genderfluid or what ?' And she wasnt talking low, she was talking loud and clear. I felt so embarras and i hoped that no one else heard it. I answered as very quietly 'no.. i think im genderqueer now' and she just said ok. That's also around when i discovered im bi so i was so glad that i didnt tell her about that. And a few months later there was some shit going around about bullying and Fish was one of the targets. And let's say that our english teacher held up a trial so i opened up my big ass mouth to talk and defend Fish. And guess what, Taz just blurted out that i and my best friend were bullying her. Excuse me ? I defended her ass and when i talked to her about it she told me 'no you didnt, you just yelled at me once in physics'. So bc i yelled at her bc she wouldnt listen to me when we had to work i bullied her ? What a thank ! And when i tried to talk it out with Taz, she fucking ignored me and left. I was enraged. I was crying out of fucking rage and still aced a test in english. At the end i explained everything to my crush while i was walking home with her bc she lived next to my moms restaurant. When i stepped into the restaurant, there was my moms friend, which im kinda close to, and my mom who asked me how was my day i cried out of anger. They comforted me and supported me. At school, one day the assistant director called me and my best friend in his office. And told us that in highschool there are no bullying only misunderstandings (i dont really agree with that but anyway) and asked us our side of the story. We explained that we didnt get along with her anymore and made it very clear that we were uncomfortable with her but she wouldnt take a hint. And we left the office just like that. The assistant director probably told Fish our side and she never went to talk with us bc of covid.

Now, im in 11th grade, we do not talk anymore and this feel so much better. Now i'll just drop some bonus drama

She accused me of drowning her when it was her ex-boyfriend that did and made her scared of water, while i was there to support her when she was dealing with her phobia.

And her mom thought that i was a bad influence for her sweet sweet daughter when she was the one to incite me to c*t myself like paper, wow ok.

This is just a personal share and just maybe a way for others to recognise the toxic behaviors of fake friends.

[mavmax]

The Art of Detachment

When: Throughout Maverick’s Life 

Where: Santa Monica 

Major Warnings: Bullying, Mental Health 

Featuring: Lexa Maxwell, Izzy Maxwell

Maverick was always a very happy child. He loved telling jokes and pulling pranks. He was always known for his smile, the way his nose scrunched up like a bunny and he’d show all his teeth (and lack thereof during the tooth fairy days). Lexa called him a bunny when they were young because of his smile. It’s why she’d chase him around to try and tickle him because she always found his smile endearing. But with happiness came sadness, frustration. Mav remembers their mother telling his sisters, but specifically Lexa, that “princesses don’t cry.” Especially in the public eye where cameras flashed and reporters held out their microphones excitedly. In the public eye, Maverick saw the masks everyone put on, including his own. Lexa was the strong one, Izzy was the kind one, and Maverick, was the charismatic one. He didn’t understand at first why but learned to get into it and smile for the camera, while Izzy sweetly smiled, and Lexa’s lips would curl into a haughty smirk, or often times, she didn’t smile at all. 

He was curious about that, especially when he started school because often times he got in trouble for slingshotting a kid who’d piss him off or slugging someone in the jaw. It wasn’t an anger issue but more of, kids were mean and he defended himself using physical force rather than verbally, especially with how often he’d mix himself up between Korean and English. Sure, he was pretty popular and had many friends, but with that popularity, came the challenge for the title. That was when he went to Lexa. His hands were bruised yet again from angrily punching the punching bag in his room bare-handed. Mav was 10 and just starting the 5th grade, Lexa was 14, her hair tied high in pigtails as a high school freshman. 

She sat him down and sighed, icing his knuckles, and wrapping them up. As much as they often fought the most, she still always had a soft spot for her little brother. 

“Bunny,” she sighed, ruffling his hair. “How are you supposed to play basketball if you keep fighting and ruining your hands like this, huh?”

He shrugged silently. She tilted her head and sighed once more. 

“Well, you’ve got to stop otherwise mom and dad will pull you out and then Izzy and I won’t be able to watch you. Is that what you want?”

“No,” his lower lip began to wobble as his eyes watered and he lowered his head.

“Hey,” she frowned and pulled in Mav for a hug. “I know it’s not fair, Bunny.” 

“I-I’m j-just s-so m-m-mad,” He stammered through sniffles. 

It hurt Lexa to see her little brother this way. He didn’t have to prove to the world that he was likable because of how sweet he already was, but she knew deep down that he’d continue to get hurt and so, the princess who didn’t cry would teach the charismatic prince the art of detachment. First, she let him cry it out, rubbing his back in a soothing way until the sobs subsided. 

Wiping his tears away, she then said, “Princes don’t cry, remember?” 

He nodded slowly. 

“I promise, no one’s going to make you cry ever again,” She promised him. 

And so, it began. On the weekends in between bickering and poor Izzy mediating, Mav was beginning to learn the art of detachment. Mav’s fiery anger only simmered rather than boiled over. There were less wrestling matches once Lexa got him to channel his anger into his words. 

“You have to let it roll off your shoulders,” She instructed, rolling her own shoulders to show him. He mimicked her in the mirror and rolled his neck. 

The next step was easy, Mav was crafty with his insults, but it was all about not letting the anger boil over. Lexa taught him to maintain a composure, to straighten his shoulders back to appear taller, mimicking their dad’s posture before saying what he needed to say. 

The final step was the hard part. Lexa would say it was because she was a Leo, where she could easily act her way through everything. It was why she was able to play the role of the ice princess so easily…and now she was teaching Mav, to protect himself. 

“When they ask you to smile, start with the eyes. They’ll be able to detect any falter of a smile very quickly if your eyes don’t match it. So, we’ll practice in the mirror.” 

Mav practiced each and every time. He smiled with his eyes, then followed up with his nose. After a while, he managed to nail it and then began the tests. 

When he started public school, the method worked. He was quick to cut off people that showed their true colors without hesitation and remorse, even though he silently took the loss in the comfort of his own room. Between basketball, music, and art, they were his healthier coping mechanisms to let the repressed emotions breathe. 

His big test was always around the holidays. Benji was his biggest bully but he was also quick to play the victim and put the blame on a fiery Maverick. So the insults flew like daggers towards his cousin. He picked him apart like his mother’s charcuterie board, calling him everything under the sun from an inbred big-headed bitch baby to the human version of herpes to 병신 새끼 [byeong-sin saek-ki], aka, motherfucker. Each and every time, Benji would tear up, and each and every time, Maverick smiled. 

His downfall would be relationships, however. In high school, he dated the head cheerleader of his class but she had a knack for flirting with everyone under the sun despite them being together. Maverick was pretty observant of that, and with him having a lower tolerance of bullshit, heartlessly dumped her at homecoming as he was coronated as homecoming king, and lost his virginity to her best friend. He never apologized, and this, branded him as the heartbreaker. Throughout the rest of high school he had crushes, he had flings, but nothing really stuck. On the upside, he was able to be friends with many of his ex-flings. 

It wasn’t until college when he entered his first serious relationship. They were both scared first years with completely opposite personalities. She was studious, a good girl, from a well-mannered family, the youngest of four. It was a slow burn relationship as they often studied together in the library, leading to wild make out sessions in his car. The thing is though, this good girl wanted more adventure from this hot bad boy, and although Maverick could do it and give her the world, it wasn’t enough for her. So when he caught her having sex with some heavily tatted guy at the party they both attended and watched her beg and plead to have him back, all she saw was a blank stare. There was no hurt in his eyes, no anger, no devastation, just, blankness as he pulled her arms off of her and said, “Fuck you, Anna.” That same night he wound up screwing some other girl, as if nothing bothered him and went about it as if it didn’t bother him. 

But he broke down the moment he went home for the holidays. He punched the wall so hard that his knuckles bled as he sank down to the floor with tears streaming down his face. The heartbreak strangled him and left him breathless, but he cleaned himself up, quietly tended to his wounded hand and went about his day, with a big smile on his face. 

Lexa knew she had created a monster right then and there and that, ate at her. All she wanted to do was to protect her siblings, the brightest rays of sunshine. Maverick argued that night that he was fine until she blockaded him in, and he fought his tears so hard until he crumbled again. 

“I just want to be as strong as you, Lex,” He admitted.

Lexa sighed. She wasn’t completely honest with her siblings about her own mental health and could only hug Maverick just a little tighter. 

So, then a few years passed. Now he’s in his senior year and the prettiest girl he promised he’d purposely annoy dished everything right on back and he was hooked. He’d chase her down, but then, between the fake phone number and later finding out that she was dating his best friend, Eric, Mav’s wall went back up. He spent the week hooking up with multiple people on a whim while his friends worried about the fact that he was still happy and moving through life like he didn’t just find out his crush had moved on. Even Gossip God was flabbergasted. 

It became easier to detach overtime but harder to attach. Nothing could hurt him to his face, but behind closed doors the ache was powerful. He didn’t want to be seen as the weak kid on the playground anymore, however, so to show others his vulnerability meant he truly cared about them. 

[ackermancurse]

Stay Gold [2]

Pairing: Greaser!Tom Holland x Greaser!Reader

Word Count: 5720

Warnings: swearing, mention of death, angst, fluff, smoking, light drinking, mentions of sexual harassment (bringing up what happened in chapter 1)

Summary: Diner and dates

A/N: I FINALLY uploaded after a long pause on this story. I kept scratching drafts of this chapter and I think I finally wrote something I’m proud of. Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist by leaving me a comment and hopefully soon I can make a system for you guys to leave your @ somewhere to make this easier for me! Don’t forget to leave me all the feedback possible hehe.

ch. 1 || ch. 2

School the next day was very interesting to say the least. Word had gotten around pretty fast that you publicly humiliated Eric Griffin and he had some marks to prove it. A thin strip of athletic tape across his swollen and bruised nose. You went back to school wearing denim jeans and replaced the leather bottoms for your leather jacket, your mom’s leather jacket.

You remember seeing a bunch of pictures with her wearing it all the time and how happy she looked with your dad. High school sweethearts who got married straight out of high school because they were pregnant with Ace and not to mention madly in love with each other. Luckily your dad was on your mom’s parent’s good side so they had their support for a new family to begin. Your mom was the most beautiful woman you’d ever laid eyes on and was just the best mother without a doubt. But you missed her.

In the 6th grade one morning before school you woke up to loud sobs and walked to your parent’s room. Paramedics were placing your mom into a body bag and you stared with wide eyes, in shock. Your dad was crying on the floor of their bedroom as you felt someone pull you away from the scene. Your 19 year old brother, Ace, was carrying you to his bedroom and that’s when it hit you. “No!! I need to say bye to mommy!” You tried to break away from his grip but it was useless, he wasn’t going to let you go and even if you happened to break free you had two other brothers to go through.

You cried in the corner and your brothers comforted you. You heard their own sniffles which causes your head to lift up and wipe each of their tears. You had lost someone immensely important to you and it hurt so much. You had just lost Tom as your best friend a year prior and now your mom? She was 36 and died in her sleep. She was way too young.

So whenever you put on her jacket you felt a strong connection to her. All the girls at school thought your ‘vintage’ jacket was adorable which got on your nerves whenever they asked you what store you got it from. You would bluntly state “It was my mom’s,” and walk away.

As you walked through the halls with confidence, people turned to look at you. Girls whispered to each other, some glared. Guys looked at you up and down. That’s when you passed him. Eric Griffin looked at you with pure anger and disgust. “You know what y/n it’s a shame that you’re a bitch because you’re actually really hot,” he called out as you pass him. You halt and chuckle.

Marching to him you shove him into the lockers he was standing in front of, gripping onto his leather jacket with white knuckles. People gather around and he looks at you with wide eyes. “You know what Eric it’s a shame that you’re a dick but at least it makes up for the one you don’t have. Maybe next time you won’t take advantage of girls because of the clothes they wear. If they say no, it means no you jackass,” you spit and aggressively let go of his jacket, pushing your way through the crowd.

“Okay everybody show’s over!” you hear from a familiar voice behind you but you keep walking down the hall. Feet shuffling quickly followed right after.

You still couldn’t believe you ever liked Eric Griffin. He is the embodiment of a grade A asshole.

“Hey y/n wait up!” you hear from behind you but don’t bother to look back, pissed off because your day has turned to shit. A hand wrapped around your wrist with a tight grip and you were about ready to punch whoever grabbed you. You turn with an icy stare and see him. Tom Holland looked at you with a soft concerned look and you ease at the sight of him. A deep sigh releases from your lips and that’s when he lets go of your wrist, “Let me take you home.”

Tom Holland. Chocolate brown curls and caramel brown eyes. His eyes were one of your favorite things about him. Everyone at school couldn’t dare to look him in the eyes for more than five seconds because they were terrified of him. They were absolutely intimidated by his ‘harsh’ and ‘cold’ glare. You on the other hand, only saw gentle and loving in his stare. You knew the parts of Tom that no one else dared to find out. Well only one other person at school knew those parts and that’s his best friend Harrison.

Every guy tried to match up to Tom’s daunting stature but failed. Regardless of his status, Tom would always have girls melting at his feet. Some he would notice, others were brushed aside, but he never had a connection with that one person that he could say ‘I love you’ to. He never wanted to get too attached to someone and vice versa.

“What the hell, I have nothing to worry about for the rest of the day,” you say and he smiles. “We should at least get some lunch before we head to your place,” Tom brings up an idea as you walk out the back of your school to the student parking lot. That’s when your face lights up, “Are you thinking about eating where I am?” you ask while wiggling your brows. “Donna’s Diner?!” the both of you reply in unison and laugh.

“Wow we haven’t been to Donna’s Diner together since we were like eleven,” Tom remarks as he opens the driver door to his red Thunderbird. You throw your book bag onto the floor and click your seatbelt, “We still were there at the same time just not together though. The past four years I would always see you after football games on Friday nights with your arm around some girl.” His face scrunched up as he smoothly reversed out of his parking spot, hand on the back of your seat and drove out of the parking lot.

“Don’t remind me. Those girls were always begging to sit near me and I finally just threw them a bone so they could get off of my back. All they ever wanted was to hook up to be honest,” Tom explains as he looks into his rear view mirror to switch lanes. He parks his car and hands you change, you look at him with a confused face, “You might wanna call home and let them know they don’t need to pick you up,” he says with a light laugh as he points to the phone booth on the sidewalk. You quickly get out and dial your home phone, waiting for someone to pick up.

“Hello?” Ace answered.

“Ace it’s me y/n I’m just calling to let you know that Tom and I ditched school because I wasn’t having the best day. We’re gonna go to Donna’s for lunch,” you explain and there was a sigh following the long pause.

“Okay but you have to explain to dad why you ditched because I’m not doing it. Have fun and just bring me back some fries,” he replies and you hang up.

“Well that was easy,” Tom chuckled as he puts his turn signal on to get back in the driving lane.

You pulled up to Donna’s Diner and a wave of nostalgia rushed over you. You remember the last time Tom and you were here together. It was the middle of summer of 5th grade. He told you he couldn’t hang out with you as much anymore because he had to take care of his three younger brothers while his mom was at work. He bought you fries and a strawberry milkshake, your favorite. You rode your bike home with tears running down your face because you would no longer get to hang out with your best friend for who knew how long.

Tom opened the door to the diner, bell chiming against the metal frame of the glass door, and it still looked the exact same. You took a seat at a booth and a young waitress about 19 or 20 gave you your menus. As if like clockwork she immediately started flirting with Tom as you sat across from him. Tom cleared his throat and began to order drinks, “I’ll have a chocolate milkshake and she’ll have a strawberry,” he says while directing her attention to you. Nancy stared at you with competition in her eyes and smiled a fake smile, “I’m sorry doll I didn’t see you there.” She writes the drinks on her notepad and walks to the kitchen. You roll your eyes and Tom apologizes that you were being ignored by the server.

“Is that Tom Holland on a date?” you hear an unfamiliar voice from behind you ask and Tom chuckles softly as he stands up to greet the mystery person. “Hey Haz what the hell are you doing here? Thought you had an english test today?” he asks and the boy lets out a loud laugh. “Pssshhhhh it’s Friday I wanted to leave early and who’s the lucky lady who gets to eat lunch with this guy?” the guy questions as Tom sits back in the booth and he takes a seat next to him. His eyes widen at the sight of you and yours do the same.

“Harrison Osterfield?” “Y/n Y/l/n?” you both say in shock, jaws practically on the floor. Harrison Osterfield. Tom Holland’s best friend since birth. Your boyfriend in the 5th grade and your first kiss. To say that he looked good was an understatement because he absolutely peaked after middle school. He was ever so slightly tanner then Tom. Light brown messy gelled hair, piercing blue eyes. and the brightest white smile you’ve seen. Harrison was hot.

“You look… wow… you look amazing,” he states as he moves the fallen curl on his forehead out of his face. You cannot believe how attractive Harrison Osterfield got. You were practically speechless at this point. You cleared your throat and took a deep breath, gaining your confidence, “You look good too Harrison, long time no see.” Harrison smiles and your heart almost leapt out of your chest. “Last time I saw you we were ‘dating’ but never officially broke it off because we were both too nervous to,” he laughs and the waitress comes back placing your milkshake in front of you. You slide the icy glass towards you to take a sip, looking up slightly from the cup and making eye contact with Harrison. His bottom lip slips between his teeth as he smiles at you and you feel a blush form on your cheeks.

You all ordered food, Tom and Harrison both ordered a cheeseburger with fries and you ordered chicken strips and fries. “Isn’t it crazy how us three are back together?” Tom asks and you nod. “Yeah it’s like 5th grade all over again but y/n and I aren’t dragging you on our ‘dates’ because we were awkward around each other,” Harrison states and you practically facepalm. You remember having to force Tom to come with Harrison and you on your dates wherever you went because you were both so awkward. Holding hands was your specialty anywhere you went but when you two finally kissed, oh gosh. Let’s just say first kisses when you’re that young will always be the worst.

The hot food was placed in front of you and you instantly grabbed a fry and dipped it in your milkshake. “Hey y/n can you still tie a cherry stem with your tongue?” Tom asked as he takes a huge bite of his burger, Harrison quirks his brow. “Yeah it’s one of the only party tricks I know how to do,” you say and grab the cherry from your shake. Your tongue fumbles with the stem as you attempt to loop the ends together to form a knot. As you concentrate you notice Harrison staring intently at you and almost lose the knot you made. You push out the newly tied cherry stem with your tongue and hold it in front of you.

Harrison licks his lips slightly and Tom speaks up, “You know what they say, if you can tie a cherry stem with your mouth you’re a good kisser.” You place the knotted stem on your napkin and still feel Harrison’s eyes on you. “Well then guess I’m probably an amazing kisser,” you remark and bite a french fry.

“Well I need to use the restroom and grab my wallet from my car so if you’ll excuse me,” Tom says and Harrison moves out of the booth to let him through. You both sit in silence for a bit as you finish your food. “So uh heard you beat the shit out of Eric Griffin,” he breaks the silence and you laugh lightly. “Yeah, yeah I did. That prick deserved it though,” you state and he nods, “You’re telling me, I hate that guy.”

“Serves him right since he tried to take advantage of me,” you mumble as you push your fries around with another french fry. Harrison tenses up and adjusts in the leather booth seat, “I knew it wasn’t just a gut feeling with Griffin, he really is a little bitch.” Silence. “You don’t deserve a guy like that you know that right?” Harrison asks and you finally meet with his eyes again. You show a small smile and nod. His hands fumble together on the table and he relaxes his muscles, “Uhm hmmm speaking of which I was wondering uh if you would want to go on a date with me? I know you just had a really bad date but I can promise you that I’m not gonna take advantage of you,” Harrison stutters and you almost choke on your milkshake. Did Harrison Osterfield, your first ‘boyfriend’ ask you on a date?

“You know what I would really like that Harrison,” you reassure him with a smile as you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and he lets out a sigh. “Holy shit I swear I thought you were gonna turn me down and I was gonna feel like an idiot,” he jokes and you laugh. That’s when Tom stands at the foot of the table and claps his hands together, “Ready to go home y/n? Just paid for the meal.” You nod and slide out of the booth.

“Go ahead Tom I’ll be right out,” you say and he starts walking to the car. Harrison looks up at you from his seat and you grab the pen from your pocket and write your house address on a white napkin along with your home phone. “Pick me up tomorrow at around 5?” you ask as you hand him the napkin and his face flushed with a shade of pink. “Y-yeah I’ll be there. Wear something comfortable.” You smile as you walk out of the diner and sit in Tom’s car.

“Now what’s that smile all about huh?” he questions as he makes his way back onto the street.

Your bottom lip finds its way between your teeth and you smile, “I may or may not have been asked out on a date by Harrison.” Tom stops at the red light and looks at you shocked, “Harrison?” You nod. “Harrison Osterfield Harrison? The one you used to date back in the day Harrison? Haz?” he interrogates in shock and you laugh. “Yes, yes, and yes.”

The light turns green and Tom presses on the gas pedal, “Well I’ll be damned, it’s like the 5th grade all over again. Just please don’t force me to come with you guys on your dates if this one goes good,” he jokes. “I promise we won’t force you to go on our dates when this date goes good.” you reply with your right hand up, as if you were taking an oath. “Oooooh when the date goes good, putting out into the universe I see,” Tom catches the words you didn’t even recognize that you used. “I didn’t even know I said that but you know what maybe it’s a good thing because it is just Harrison so who knows? Maybe I’ll be Mrs. Osterfield in like 10 years.”

“Woahhhh now let’s not get too ahead of ourselves,” he retorts turning into your driveway. You say thank you to Tom for cheering you up and tell him to call you when he gets home so you know that he got home safely.

Walking into your house all of your brothers stare at you as they play cards at the kitchen table, “Brought you guys fries and you better thank Tom for buying the large bag.” You plop next to Gabe and Harley with a big smile on your face. They immediately open the bag and start eating the fries you promised to bring Ace. You feel all of their eyes on you so you look up and ask what was wrong, “We could be asking you the same thing! What’s with the big smile on your face? Did Tom kiss you?” Harley asked with a mouth full of fries and you stare at them with confusion. “What? Noooo. Remember Harrison Osterfield? My 5th grade boyfriend and one of my best friends from 2nd to 5th grade?” you question and they nod.

“Well I caught up with him today at the diner and let’s just say he got way more attractive after 5th grade and I have a date with him tomorrow,” you say and they look at each other and back to you.

Silence filled the air for a bit until Ace spoke up, “You know I liked him when you guys ‘dated’ because he always gave you a flower on your anniversaries and treated you like a princess so let’s hope he’s still the same.”

That was that. The conversation ended and they continued playing poker. You tapped in for the next round and waited for when you would be added in. As Gabe was dealing cards the phone rang and you rushed to answer it, “Hello?” “Hey just wanted to let you know I made it home but had to stop by Haz’s house before so that’s why it took my longer to call you,” you smile because Tom remembered to call you and you noticed it was about an hour since he dropped you off. “No problem just wanted to make sure you got home safe, see you on Monday Tom,” you say and you can tell he was smiling, “See you on Monday y/n.”

You hang up and sit down back at the table, Harley lighting a cigarette and passing it to you. Smoke fills the dining room and the sound of keys rattling outside tells you that your dad was home from work. Two large boxes of pizza in hand as he struggles to open the door, “Hi dad how was work?” you ask as you grab the boxes and place a kiss on his cheek. “It was alright, the same stuff. How was not going to school?” he questioned and your brothers snickered as you switched the bag of fries to the pizza boxes. You flip them off and smile before turning to your dad, “Dad you don’t understand I was having such a crappy day and Tom just was looking out for me.”

“Hold on did I hear the name right? Tom? As in Tom Holland?” he asked as he placed his work vest and hat on the hook by the door. He grabbed a cold beer from the fridge before sitting down at the table, “Yes you did hear the name right. Tom Holland is now my friend again and a great one at that,” you say before taking a bite of your cheese pizza. “Well I’ll be damned I never thought I’d say this but I’m glad that boy is in your life now, he always made you happy growing up,” your dad expresses and bites into a pepperoni slice.

“Oh but dad guess who she has a date with tomorrow?” Ace asks and you give him a harsh glare. Your dad never really liked you going on dates.

He turns to look at you with a quirked brow and you laugh nervously, “Remember Harrison Osterfield? My 5th grade ‘boyfriend’? Turns out he got really attractive and he’s super sweet and funny.” Your dad’s serious expression turns into a light-hearted one, “I remember that boy he sure did great my baby girl like a princess for her first boyfriend so you have my approval.” Your jaw drops. Did your dad really agree to let you on a date with a boy? This was a miracle. The 5 of you continued to chat about random things as you played poker and ate. This was a normal Friday night for you, hanging out with the best guys on planet earth. At about 1 in the morning you finally tapped out and went to bed because you knew you wanted all the rest you could get for your date the next day.

You woke up the next morning with a big smile on your face because you knew that Harrison would be at your doorstep in a few hours. You look at the time and notice it’s 11 in the morning, he would be here in 6 hours tops. Striding into the kitchen with a smile you grab a box of cereal from the cabinet and pour yourself a bowl. That’s when the phone rang and you rush over to answer, “Hello?” A breath hitched on the other end, “Well good morning beautiful,” the voice states and you blush. “Good morning Harrison, to what do I have the pleasure of speaking to you?” you ask and twirl the spiral phone cord around your index finger. He laughs lightly, “Just wanted to let you know that it was so hard for me to fall asleep last night knowing I was gonna go on a date with you today. You have seriously been on my mind since you left Donna’s,” he states and you blush.

“I could be saying the same for you. My family was also really excited to hear your name again, I thought I was gonna have to sneak out on this date if they didn’t approve,” you joke and can tell he’s smiling on the other end. “Well I’ll let you go, don’t want you to get tired of me too fast,” you laugh, “I don’t think I could ever get tired of you Harrison, see you later.” You hang up. You jump around the room and squeal like a little school girl who just found out their crush liked them back.

At around 3:30 you started to get ready and Harrison did say to dress comfortably so you picked out black wash distressed jeans, a red t-shirt, your leather jacket, and your chucks. You paced around the house as you waited to hear a knock at the front door, your brothers making fun of how nervous you were. “Y/n you’re causing a draft,” Gabe laughs from the couch as he watched football on the TV. That’s when the knock came and you felt your heart leap out of your chest. You take a deep breath, “Well here goes nothing,” you whisper to yourself and feel your brothers piling up behind you.

You open the door and see him with a rose in hand. Harrison looks up from the ground and smiles, “Wow you look incredible,” he states and fumbles with the flower in his hand. You blush, “You look pretty good too,” you balance on the balls of your feet and his free hand scratches the back of his neck nervously. Your brothers all cleared their throats in unison and both of your attention is directed to them, “So bring her back by 10, 11 the latest,” Ace says with his deep booming voice and Harrison nods. “Not a problem, we shouldn’t be out too long but thanks for the heads up just in case. It’s nice seeing you three again, feels like the last time I was here I was probably doing the exact same thing but with my mom in the car,” he jokes which causes your brothers to laugh. “Okay well you two have fun… But not too much fun,” Harley confirms with a raised brow and you pinch the bridge of your nose together. They close the door and you walk down the steps from your house.

Harrison hands you the rose in his hand as you walk side by side to his car on the street. You smile as you smell the flower while looking to face him and he blushes. He rushes ahead to open the passenger door for you and you laugh, “Got to make sure I give you a good time.” Harrison makes his way to the driver’s side and starts the engine, turning on the radio quietly as he makes his way to your mystery date spot.

“So where are we going by the way,” you ask and he quickly faces you as he pauses at a stop sign. His left hand drives while his right rests on the center console, “There’s a place about a half hour from here where it’s half a roller skating rink and half a bowling alley. Thought it might be fun for a first date,” he says quietly with a smile.

You stare at his free hand on the center console and everything in your power is telling you to hold his hand but then there’s a small piece of you that says it’s too soon. Of course you just go with your gut feeling and intertwine your fingers with his. Harrison’s breath hitches at the surprise gesture but he quickly relaxes with a soft grin and his thumb grazes yours lightly.

This felt normal. The two of you weren’t the same awkward kids back in 5th grade. You could stay like this forever. Sure enough after talking and cracking jokes for what seemed like a second you arrived at the place in what Harrison promised, 30 minutes.

You both decided on starting your date with roller skating and Harrison went to the counter to rent your pair of skates. From the corner of your eye you saw a group of girls pointing to your date and whispering to each other. He turned back to you and handed you your skates, taking your free hand in his and the group of girls huffed. You laugh to yourself and Harrison leans next to your ear, “Had to let those girls know I only have eyes for one girl.” You sit at a wooden bench and tie your skates on and struggle to stand up. With your determination and strong will power you find balance and are able to slowly make your way to the rink.

Loads of people were skating in circles on the wood floor and you turn to see Harrison struggling to get onto the surface, you laugh. You grab ahold of his hands and he smiles, “I should have probably told you I’m not the best at skating.” He attempts to skate by himself and almost trips before you are able to get a grip on him, “Looks like I’m falling for you already,” Harrison jokes as he holds tightly onto you.

The two of you skate hand in hand and steal looks from the other when they’re not looking. At one point Harrison pulls you aside and just looks into your eyes, “I cannot believe how lucky I am right now. And to think we dated in 5th grade and at never thought this would happen again.”

An hour passed and the two of you decided to eat some food, a small pizza was ordered and you each had 3 slices. Guys stopped to look at you while girls stopped to look at Harrison and looks of disappointment when they saw the other covered their face. At around 7:30 you agreed on bowling for a bit, “Get ready to get your ass kicked because Tom and me come here all the time,” Harrison states and grabs a 9 pound white ball. “Oh you wish Haz, I beat my older brothers all the time when we go bowling at Randy’s Bowling Alley,” you grab a 7 pound red ball. Lane 5 was your assigned place and you write your name on the scoresheet with the pencil.

It was the last frame, you were winning by 10 and Harrison looked defeated, “You weren’t kidding when you said you were good. I think I finally met my match.” He grabbed his ball and lined up to the pins, he tossed the heavy weight ball and it hit all but one pin on the right, “You’ve got to be kidding me!” You laugh and write his score and wait to see if he would hit the lonely pin. Harrison gets into position again but this time he totally gutter balled his ball and fell to the floor. You run over to lift him up with a smile, “What can I say Haz? I’m just a natural.”

Harrison stands towering over you as you look up to him, he licks his lips and places his hands on your waist. This was it. He was going to kiss you. But something within him told him to not kiss you here, not now. He placed a kiss on your cheek and backed away to his seat. You were teased.

At the end it was about 9 when Harrison thought it would be a good idea to buy ice cream before taking you home. You shared a banana split and called it a night.

On your way home you found yourselves in the same position from when you got to your date, holding hands and smiling. It was exactly 10 at night when Harrison turned the engine of his car off and sighed, “That was the best date that I’ve had in a while and I really hope this made up for that shifty one you had on Thursday.” You look at him and could still see the blue in his eyes despite how dark it was outside, “It doesn’t even compare to Thursday.” You grab your rose and open the passenger door to which Harrison quickly hops out of the car to help you get out. You grab ahold of his hand that he left open for you to grasp. Harrison stops at the base of the stairs that lead up to your house and faces you, “I had such a good time tonight y/n and I hope that this could possibly lead to a second date?”

“This could definitely lead to a second date Harrison. All of this felt normal with you and I want to see where this goes,” you say while posting between the two of you. The cold autumn air sends a chill over you and you kick the gravel on the ground nervously. Harrison takes a step closer to you and tilts your head up, “I wanted to kiss you at the bowling alley but something told me to leave it for here,” he mentions and you grin. He finally closes the space by bending down to reach you and his hands find their way back to your hips. You place your arms around his neck to bring him closer, your hand still holding the rose, and he humphs in the kiss. You taste the cherry coke on his mouth from earlier and melt at how soft his lips were. This felt very normal. This was way better than your first kiss back in the 5th grade. Your lips move in sync and you feel Harrison smile slightly. The tip of your nose grazed his which causes you to pull back and snicker, foreheads leaning against each other.

“Woah… That tied cherry stem doesn’t lie, if anything it’s an understatement because you are one hell of an amazing kisser,” he whispers as you feel his breath on your lips. You laugh and stare into his piercing blue eyes, “This definitely was better than the first time,” you assured which causes Harrison to chuckle and place a quick peck on your lips. “I could get used to this honestly,” he admits and you nod while biting down on your bottom lip. You hold his face gently in your hands and could see his pupils were dilated while looking at you. You can’t help but smile and kiss him again.

Harrison continues to walk you up to your front door and beams at you, “Well I will see you at school on Monday beautiful.” You blush and fidget your fingers together, “And I cannot wait to see you at school on Monday Haz.” He stuffs his hands in his pocket and starts to walk away as you open the front door but turns back, “One for the road?” You giggle at his request but comply instantly, placing a soft but passionate kiss on his lips and he sighs in awe. “That’s a keeper,” he says aloud and turns back to walk to his car. You wait for him to leave from the door and he honks twice letting you know he’s saying goodbye.

You close the door and have a smile that consumes your face. “Soooo how was your date?” Gabe asks as he pours himself a glass of juice from the fridge. You jump at his voice and your eyes widen, “How much of that did you hear and or see?” you quickly question. He chuckles as he places the carton back on the self in the fridge and takes a sip, “Let’s just saw I saw Harrison take one for the road.” You feel your face get hot and watch Gabe smirk while he walks back to his room. Harrison Osterfield had you around his finger after one date and you couldn’t wait to for Monday.

---------------

Taglist: @loxbbg //  @fandom--menace // @imamazzellhoe // @thebadassbitchqueen // @its-the-unknownspidey //  @bandsaf14 // @sweetenedangeltears

[shy-violet-soul]

The Box in Room 11

Characters:  Sam & Dean Winchester Rating: E for everyone Warnings: bittersweet fluff Word count:  1,600-ish A/N:  I think the first time I fell in love with these brothers’ history was 1:18, when Dean gave up his Lucky Charms for Sammy.  His too-grown-up sacrifice broke my heart.  Baby Sammy’s smiling, innocent offer of the prize in the box melted the broken heart pieces.  And that moment kickstarted the muse.

A huge thank you to the awesome SPN fic writers who showered some beta magic on this!  Thank you, thank you @crispychrissy and @thesassywallflower!

Supernatural characters belong to CW and their creators.  This is a work of fiction.  Please do not repost without my permission.

Dreamstime.com by Kjrstudio, & creators (I searched & couldn’t find owners, sorry!)

There’s a box in Room 11 that is precious to both the brothers.

One of them knows about it.  One of them doesn’t.

While scrounging the nooks and crannies of the bunker, Dean found the old trunk in the storage room.  Sturdy, sizeable, it smelled soothingly of cedar as he centered it carefully at the end of his bed.  In one corner sat the old baseball glove Bobby gave him as a boy.  The leather was scuffed, worn shiny in some places, a bit cracked in others.  Tucked underneath it was the only yearbook he ever got - junior year, 1995, Shadyside Tigers.  His dad’s US Marines cap lay upside down, a medal engraved with ‘New York State Youth Association - Wrestling Champion’ inside it with the red and blue ribbon carefully folded.  His first fake ID’s rubberbanded together - ‘Brian Wilson, Bikini Inspector’; ‘William Greer, IRS’; ‘Robert Palmer, CDC’.  The antique pocket watch Pastor Jim gave him when he turned eighteen, the 1988 ‘Sports Illustrated’ with Elle McPherson he stole from a guy’s locker in the 5th grade, a handful of prize tickets from a county fair he’d taken Cassie Robinson to rounded out the collection of mementos from his younger years.

And there was the box.

The old ‘Bank Note’ cigar box looked ordinary.  Unremarkable.  If you lifted it to your nose and sniffed deeply, you could still catch a whiff of bitter tobacco.  It had been carted around for twenty-odd years, shoved under dirty socks, ammo, and a crumpled sandwich bag of matchbooks. The odd scratch here and there, the ragged corners spoke of long handling.  As beat up as the box was, it held Dean’s most priceless treasures.

Nestled dead center in a place of honor lay the very first treasure from decades past.  Fort Douglas, Wisconsin.  Nine or ten year old Dean, already a world-weary parent.  Another night of dad leaving them alone.  A dumped out bowl of Spagetti-o’s, and the sacrifice of the last bit of Lucky Charms he’d saved for himself.  And Sammy’s first gift - the coveted prize in the box.

To anyone else, the little plastic car meant nothing.  To Dean, it meant the world.  Their childhood didn’t include many frivolities.  Crayons weren’t allowed in the backseat after the melting incident; their dwindling plastic soldier army had seen some troops go AWOL; and the Legos not in the vents had been lost in dribbles in countless motels and fast food stops.  The boys knew better than to ask for anything.  But Dean had watched Sam stare at the Hot Wheels cars and super hero action figures stacked up on the endcaps of Gas n’ Sips across the entire midwest.  At his young age, he couldn’t name the feeling that put a knot in his belly at the sight of little Sammy going without even a toy.  So, a car, hot rod red, with wheels that shot it forward when you rolled it backwards?  A prize of the highest degree.  And little Sammy had given it to him.  So, it had been the first treasure in the box.  

A few months later, he’d been ready to pound on his baby brother when he’d come out from showering to see every bowl, cup, and plate in the puke-green kitchenette filled to overflowing with Corn Flakes from the brand new box.  As Dean drew in a breath to threaten the little runt’s life, Sammy had smiled with dimpling delight as he trotted to him with outstretched hands.  His pudgy little fingers offered up a genuine Starbot robot, complete with punching arm.

He’d tried to insist Sam keep it, but the little twerp turned those puppy dog eyes on him and he caved.  He covered up his true pleasure by gruffly ordering him to clean up the mess.  Too grown-up to show how happy he was over a toy, Dean waited until Sammy was asleep before carefully placing the little grey plastic robot in with the red car.

Months passed, filled with shorter pant legs and outgrown, too-tight shoes.  The collection in the box grew, too.  A color-changing spoon from a box of Trix.  A yellow, rooster-shaped bike reflector from another box of Corn Flakes.  A box of Rice Krispies produced a baking soda submarine.  And, their personal favorite, a ghost detector courtesy of Apple Jacks.  He couldn’t remember how many days they’d spent laughing over that thing.  

But Dean never forgot the unabashed joy on his little brother’s face whenever he presented him with a new gift.

Every once in a while, when Dean reorganized the chest contents or was searching for the beef jerky, he’d open that cigar box.  One long finger would stir through the trinkets, mouth quirking in a soft smile.  Each one held a memory that he hoarded up selfishly.  But one - one was particularly special.

Sam had just turned ten.  He could remember the glint of the dollar coins in the sun as Bobby flipped them to him, one right after the other - five whole dollars for a birthday gift.  Even now, he smiled again as he remembered the excited astonishment on his little brother’s face.  After hours on the road and a stop at Gas n’ Sip, John had installed the boys in a motel room before leaving to chase down a lead.  Dean had kept his shower short, hoping to see if this motel had cable before bedtime.  The scene that greeted him at the wobbly kitchen table gave him pause.

Six boxes of Cracker Jack sat scattered across the dented, scratched surface.  The caramel-popcorn treat had been poured into an elephant-shaped cookie jar from the counter. Dean stepped closer, popping a few pieces into his mouth as he glanced at his brother.  He and his dad were big fans of the sweet & salty snack, but Sam - not so much.  Dean took in the tiny plastic bags and scraps of torn paper strewn about the boxes, a couple of plastic bead necklaces, a sparkly pink hair clip, and a couple of rub-on flower tattoos scattered about.  Sam, studiously wiping at something over the sink, still hadn’t noticed his brother.

The gangly kid had nearly jumped out of his skin when his big brother asked what in tarnation he was doing.  His smile had been all triumph and glee when he’d presented the object: a metal badge pin, etched with ‘Special Police’.

“It’s for you!  Here!” Sam chirped.  Dean blinked at him in confusion.

“Do you mean that you bought six boxes of something you don’t even like for this?  Where did you get the money?”  The dimples disappeared as Sam stood wordlessly.  That knot in his stomach, now familiar after years of it, hit Dean anew.  “Your birthday money.  Sam, Bobby gave that to you for YOU, you beanpole!”

“I know that, Dean.  And I spent it how I wanted to.”  Again, he offered the pin to him.  “Here.  I had to get more than one box because my odds at gambling suck, remember?”

Dean didn’t move, couldn’t move.  This small gesture made his birthday gift to Sam seem small and worthless; what normal ten year old kid wanted a three-pack of Bic lighters, anyway?  

A deep sigh from Sammy snapped his attention back to the present, and he watched as his little brother dropped his hand to his side.

“Look, Dean.  I saw this little kid at that last diner wearing this pin.  When I went to the john, I stopped and asked him where he got it, and he said from a box of Cracker Jack.  You’re always talking about how Dad’s a hero, better than a police officer.  And, well - you’re MY hero.  Better than dad.”

“Don’t say that!”

“Well, it’s true.  You’re the one who’s always looking out for me.  And I really wanted you to have this.  So, when Bobby gave me the five dollars, I wanted to try to get this for you.  Please take it.”

Dean stared at the shiny pin, carefully taking it in his hand.  Mistaking his reserve for disgust, Sam hurried to speak.

“I know you’re a grown up, it’s dumb, you don’t have to keep it -” he blurted out, moving to snatch it back.  His big brother leaned it out of his reach, smiling past the lump in his throat.

“Thanks, Sammy.  I love it.”  

The ten year old returned his smile, relief relaxing his shoulders.  After a moment, his grin widened.

“Besides, let’s just look at this as birthday cake!  I can use one of the lighters as a candle!” he chattered out as he waved a hand at the overflowing cookie jar.  

Dean could still see Sam’s smile in the wavering glow from the lighter, and him always having one of those birthday lighters in his pocket weeks later.  He could hear the laughter from both of them as they gorged themselves on the Cracker Jack. He remembered making his dad turn around because he was sure he’d left the can of salt on the nightstand when really he went running back to get the badge pin he’d accidentally left in the drawer.  

After a childhood lived out of duffel bags and a crowded trunk, the Winchesters still struggled with the concept of personal possessions.  Even after living in the bunker for some time, it was hard to break a decades-long habit of living ‘temporary’.  Most of their favorite belongings still ended up centered around the hunting life.  That life had taught painful lessons about loss that would have sent stronger people running for a hermit’s existence, decrying any and all reminders of a past overrunning with tragedy.  

But not the Winchester brothers.  They still relished their happier memories.  Little bright gleams scattered like lucky pennies amid the darkness of their years, giving them something to hold on to and drive from.  

Some of those memories lived in a box.   A box that one of them knew about, and one of them didn’t.

A box in room 11.

[krebstar]

hey so like i feel absolutely silly doing this but it has been really rough and i’m not sure i can really Handle my mom anymore

this is mostly planning in advance but, i’m in a mentally abusive household and i really need out of it. however, i am a minor so i’m unable to for at least another year. i would really appreciate having the money to move out as soon as i can, which is why i’m making this post.

my paypal is here, and you can buy me a coffee here. i do commissions, too if you would prefer that.

more details about what’s going on are under the cut. it’s... really long but has like. everything i can remember, so.

so... this has been going on as long as i can remember (~10 years old or so). it used to be both of my parents, but my dad passed away and now it’s just my mom.

the earliest thing that i can remember is from the later years in elementary school (3-5th grade? around 8-10 years old?). my dad was terrifying when he was angry and was very loud, and my mom had a tendency of getting me in trouble, and then telling him how awful i was and she would have him yell at me for something he knew very little about (she would make him just jump into the conversation.) this was one of those times, and i was curled up on the floor with him yelling at me, and her standing over me. i remember afterward, i wrote something along the lines of “my happiness is ruined” or “i’ll never be happy” or something of the sort about.. not being happy, then i tore it to shreds.

around middle school (11-14 years) was where everything sort of picked up? my mom began to pick on me with constantly telling me i was breaking out, i looked bad, smelled bad, and so on and so forth. i asked her to stop numerous times and she refused to, laughing in my face whenever i asked. it started to make me feel bad about myself, and is the root of why i’m self conscious.

one day (7th grade) when she was telling at me for something i can’r remember, i told her “i hate myself because of you” and she replied “if you hate yourself because of me, you need to get a life.” thus, marking when i stopped telling her anything.

there was one time at a restaurant, where my mom wanted me to try and do the math for the bill. despite me refusing due to my math learning problems (possibly dyscalculia, but she refuses to get me tested), she continued to try and press it on me. when i continued to say no and got stressed and upset that she was trying to force me to do something i didn’t understand, she reacted badly. she told me that we were joking and laughing (we weren’t, she was very serious) and then told me that i had a “personal problem.”

my mom and i were at my grandma’s over the summer and she told me that she always jokes with me after arguments (meaning: she yelled at me a lot and made me have a panic attack) so i “get over it quicker” / “forget about it”

at one point laptop broke, and my mom called the people to send it in and get it fixed despite already taking her medicine (which wouldn’t have kicked in for another 30 minutes). I was grateful and thanked her, though i was still panicky and crying due to being so dependent on my laptop. i was yelled at for being in that state, and it was another instance when my dad yelled at me as i was curled up on the floor. he yelled at me for not being grateful when my mom called even though she took her medicine, and for some other stuff i can’t remember right. (i do remember pulling my hair hard and calling myself a horrible ungrateful daughter.)

one time when my dad and her were fighting (they were on a brink of a divorce before he passed away) she said that if i wasn’t around, that she would kill herself. she said that.. when i was right there in the other room with the door wide open.

(my dad was always neglectful of me, and never? really gave me the time of day to the point where i didn’t entrust that he could take care of me, and if he payed attention to me, he would just yell at me.)

in 8th grade, my dad passed away by drowning (i feel uncomfortable giving more details about that, if you need them you can PM me, but otherwise i won’t disclose the rest. i have a post about it in my archives somewhere as it was happening.) i grieved “weirdly” i suppose, i didn’t wish to hear the word “dad” or look at the river, let alone be around it. i didn’t want to talk about it with my mom, though i talked about it with my friends.

i continued to not to want to look at the river, and would refuse to, for a couple months. my mom didn’t like this at all and told me to “get over it” several times. and even though i asked her not to talk about him several times, she did anyway, constantly and always.

around freshman year things sort of.. escalated. the rest of this will be taking place from freshman year to current (14-16/almost 17). these might be out of chronological order, but ill try to keep them in order as much as possible. i started writing stuff down around here so im going to start off with the dated ones:

Saturday, January 9 2016: admitted to wanting to slap me Wednesday, January 20 2016: admitted to wanting to slap me Monday, February 22 2016: Oak Court mall in a dressing room: grabbed me by my shirt Wednesday, March 30 (6:00am): “You know one day in the morning you’re going to cop a little attitude and i’m just going to smack you.” (a minute afterward coming and saying she loved me) Monday, August 8th (5:36am) “if you give me a sarcastic attitude this early in the morning, I’ll end up smacking you in the face.” Wednesday, August 31st (9:41am) she was throwing an eraser at me, and when I was showing discomfort, she said “be glad I’m not throwing something bigger at you” and pretended to hit me with my tub of icing

August 9th, 2016: i suggested we leave so we can go feed the cats [that i was catsitting]. she didnt get that, and got mad at me for “never listening to her” because she wanted to feed the cats afterwards. she said i always get what i want, and she wants to get what she wanted. started talking about how i “lived a charm life” and i always “get what i want” and asked me what i “didnt have” and “nothing? yeah”

told her i was upset because i felt like she was so mad at something that wasn’t that big of a deal. the conversation below happened (her voice was slightly raised)

my mom: you always say i get upset with you for nothing me: when was the last time i did that? my mom: the last time we fought me: and when was that?? my mom: my mom: it doesnt matter

she started talking about how it was a problem i think i “always get what i want” and if i didnt think it was a problem that i had a “serious problem” with her. i started to be unresponsive, just looking ahead and replying with “okay” and not being on my phone. she started to try to talk to me, and turned on the radio station i like to listen to. she started to tell me she loved me. she apologized afterwards, and its the only time i can ever remember her apologizing for anything.

there was a time we got into an argument, she said that we “dont have [my] dad to be peacemaker,” completely ignoring that it was NEVER his role to be peacemaker, and that she only ever made him yell at me more.

she talked a LOT about my dad and how awful he was, and about their marriage problems. she told me at one point that her bipolar is so bad because my dad never had sex with her enough.

she attempted to have .... something with one of my really close friend’s dad at one point in time, in the past couple years or so. i walked in on them making out sometime. she wanted to date him-- and lied about it-- and he didn’t because he was a bit weirded out because my dad had still somewhat recently passed away. she cried for a whole 24 HOURS, ignoring sleeping time, about him and about how much she missed my dad, but never let me grieve in my own way.

we were at perkins when the subject of dating was brought up and i told her i was uncomfortable with it (it hadnt even been a year, or had just been a year or something) and she told me, again, to “get over it”

and, then, she got her boytoy (who we’ll call larry) and successfully got (and still has) a friend with benefits. she lied to me a long time, and told me that they weren't together or anything despite them fucking while i was home, and NOT being silent about it, either. i eventually told her i knew and that it made me uncomfortable that they had sex while i was at home. she told me to get over it at first, that i always got everything i asked for, so on and so forth.

after a while, and me continuously asking her not to have sex while i was home because i already walked in on her once, she told me that it was her house and that her friends couldn’t “believe the audacity [i] had asking her not to fuck while im home” and she.. hasn’t stopped. ive actually found her bondage gear recently.

(sidenote on larry: hes... really disgusting. he watched one of my friends take a shower while she was over, and when i told my mom that she said “well not everyone is perfect.”)

and then... the night that prompted me to start this post, which happened october 8th. she left me home alone for ~30hours (and i only saw her for 2 of those), which... i had already told her numerous times that i dont like to be home alone at night because it causes my delusions to act up and makes me very paranoid. on the third night she was gone, i texted her a handful of times asking how she was because i hadn’t seen her, and i missed her (a novel concept) and.. that was apparently the wrong thing to do.

she came home at 2am that night and started to ask me why i could never be home alone and making it way deeper than it actually needed to be. she called me a coward for my delusions, selfish, and told me that she didn’t think i was going to be a functioning human being. she told me that im faking my mental illnesses because i want an excuse to be scared (which ill get into later*) and refused to acknowledge the research i had done on these mental illnesses. at one point she was guilt tripping me, and i gave in and admitted it was my fault... and then she..? guilt tripped me? for that. she said that i was just “saying that to make [her] feel bad.” she told me that i was making up my mental illness symptoms by telling me that they’re.... “in [my] head” and that i cant be mentally ill because ive stood up for myself twice. (the only reason that i’ve stood up for myself is because the things that were happening were very hazardous to my health and i was close to killing myself)

i had been sleeping in her room because my air conditioning upstairs wasnt working and it was too hot to exist up there at all, and so i packed the items i brought down with me, and was moving to go upstairs. she forced me to stay downstairs because i was “running away from the conversation” (which ill also get into later**) and forced me to stay the night downstairs. after the conversation was said and done, she returned and told me “do you ever think your delusions and hallucinations are overactive imagination because of your ocd and you think of the worse possible scenario when you hear a noise?” which is...not how anything works.

the following morning, she was EXTREMELY petty and wouldnt let me leave her side since “i missed her so much!!” and continued to force me to spend time with her and refused to let me on my laptop or phone. she started to yell at me again (which i cant really remember what she said, but she called me selfish for.. wanting her around?)

BONUS CONTENT :) aka stuff that i wasnt able to put in to keep it chronological

my mom has always threatened to ground me because of crying (though she said she would “never ground me because it would ground [her] too”) and im basically... not allowed to feel anything but happy, because if i express any other emotion it always results in her yelling at me for some reason.

*she gladly admits that i inherited OCD from my dad (who had an extreme case, as well as almost my dad’s whole entire family) but refuses to admit that i also inherited psychosis from her. ive brought up that im pretty sure i have DPDR, but she also refuses to even learn what it is and tells me that im just faking it. she won’t get me help, and says she won’t.

**my mom walks away whenever she doesnt get her way in an argument. she has left me in the middle of a museum in another state (not without shouting “fuck you” at me from across the room first), in the middle of a parking lot for at least 5 minutes, walked out of my grandma’s house twice, and then walked away from me another time downtown (thankfully i was with a friend.)

she shits on literally anything i enjoy. we go to the movies, i show her shows, i talk about things i like and she always has to find something she hated about it. even when she cant find anything specific, she replies with “eh it was okay” and doesn't fake it to ever let her child enjoy something. i always feel bad immediately after. the most recent example i can think with this is seeing moana with her.

if anything Major Happens(tm) ill probably reblog this and add it on, but until then.................. yeah

[jess951000]

I know I write a lot of these and I know Taylor may never see them, but if she does I want to say thank you for helping me get through all of the things mentioned in this post.

First grade is my earliest memory of being bullied. I was bullied by my teacher. She kept me out of story time and made me clean my desk instead. She kept me from show and tell and made me clean my locker. I have the agenda book where I wrote how sad and out of place I felt...mostly with sad faces. We had to show how we felt each day. I wrote sad faces.

I was home schooled for second grade and felt left out because my brother and sister went to school everyday. It was tough. I was diagnosed with ADD and Bipolar Disorder when I was 5. Mild Retardation Disorder when I was 6 or 7. I learned how to read in kindergarten but was set back in first grade due to how I was treated and relearned when I was being homeschooled. I have a just below average IQ. My deficits are with math and problem solving. I'm 22 years old now but when I was 18 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and told my bipolar was gone.

In third grade I was put in a school for special needs kids. They didn't teach me anything so I was put back in mainstream school and kept in third grade. I made friends at the special needs school. A nonverbal girl and an autistic boy. In mainstream I didn't have many friends. I made a friend with a girl who was really screwed up. She thought it would be okay to hit my sister over the head with a 2×4 piece of wood. I never saw her again after that. That was in 3rd grade. In 4th grade I was friends with a girl who was a bad influence again she tried to glue the doors to lockers together and then when I proved to be a goodie two shoes she dropped me as a friend.

In 5th grade is where the real problems started. I was alone. I felt helpless. It was my first day of middle school and 2 girls who happened to be sisters asked if I wanted to be their friend. I said yes. I was desperate for friends. They were goth. Wore all black and one of them had piercings already. I was invited to their house. We hung out for about 3 months. They had other friends and whatever that didn't like me too much. They walk up to me in one of the classes the three of us shared together after talking to their friends and said I was too weird and I couldn't hang around them anymore then walked away. I pretended I was okay when I was hurting inside. I was alone the rest of the year waiting for summer to come.

6th grade..it was time to sign up for the school musical. I decided to do it since my sister was doing it too. First day of rehearsal a girl walks up to me and starts talking as if we are already best friends. At first I paid her no attention because I thought she was talking to one of the many other people around me but I soon realized no one was looking at her and she was looking at me. I asked her if she was talking to me. She said yes who else? I was shocked and excited. My self esteem by this point was so low that when I walked down the hallway I would literally look at the floor. I didn't want to see the people who made fun of me. I would keep walking and not look up. This girl pulled me out of my slump for a little while. She introduced me to a few people who I became friends with also. We hung out together all the time. We went to eachotjers houses. I felt that I finally fit in somewhere.

8th grade has a bit of a backstory that starts in 7th grade. So here it goes. .In seventh grade people talked about this horrible teacher. She was so mean and horrible that anyone who had her class was doomed to a year of torment. I thought being a good kid and all that it was no big deal. She was a special education teacher which I didn't know at the time. In computer class she ended up subbing because that was her free period and out teacher had an emergency or something. She screamed at me for being off task when I was not off task. I was so speechless another student had to tell her that I was on task. She singled me out for no good reason. As soon as I got off the bus to go home I started balling my eyes out. I was always a good kid to avoid that kind of confrontation. Remember earlier I was too much of a goody two shoes. I still was by this point. I kept my head down and got through the day. I begged my mom not to let me have this teacher. I cried and when I finally got my 8tb grade schedule I was so excited. I didn't have her. Then my mom had to throw a fit about me not having a special education classes. The teachers said they didn't think I needed it that year. I was doing just fine on my own. I never had to ask for help. I was Good. My mom Insisted. I got my new schedule and of course that teacher was on it. I go to school thinking it can't be too bad. She won't be that mean all the time. It was just a misunderstanding. I was so wrong it's not even funny. First day of class when your supposed to hand in certain forms and things. My mom forgot to sign mine and I got screamed at for it. It was not in my control. Then I get screamed at again for taking too long on my quiz to see how much I remember from last year. It was math so that's why it took so long. It was in my IEP which is documentation stating special accommodations for special needs students that I was allowed to just walk out of class to use the restroom and that I was allowed to bring my computer to class to take notes. She never read it. She screamed at me for both. My mom then sent a note stating she isn't allowed to scream at me because i was going home early for hyperventilating. She threw it in the trash and screamed at me for giving her fake notes. My mom then had my psychiatrist write a note. She did the same thing. She then got told by other parents that this teacher was deliberately bullying me and that they recommend pulling me out of the school I was in. So she did. I was put in online school for 2 years. It was twice as hard and I was not a self motivator so it was hard on my mom too.

8th grade also my mom got told by my best friends mom that she was moving her daughter to a different school because I was too different to be her friend. Her exact words were "My daughter needs better friends and yours isn't a part of that" when she went to that new school she made new friends and didn't want to hang out as often and eventually broke off contact with me. I still had my 2 other friends but she was my closest friend.

10th grade I go back to regular school and was put in a lunch with 7th and 8th graders who were moved to our school because the elementary school closed down. I went to the guidance counselor and asked to be moved to the lunch where my friends were. She did me a favor and let me be transferred. We had A B C and D lunch. I was moved from C to D lunch. My "friends" put their bags on the seat, had other people sit by them, etc etc. To keep me from sitting near them. I started running to lunch to be able to sit by them. It worked. The next red flag that they weren't my friends anymore but pretending to be was when I invited everyone to a cook out in 11th grade and they all said they would come and so I set everything up on the day and was waiting. 5 minutes til the time I said everyone cancelled. "Oh I have period cramps" "Oh I can't make it my mom has a thing" that sort of thing. They lied to me and didn't come. I was so upset. I sat at the table surrounded by the food and snacks and cried. One of those friends wanted me to help plan her birthday party but I wasn't allowed to be there. I was allowed to plan it but I wasn't allowed to come. That was low.

For senior prom one of my friends was talking a few weeks before about getting a limo. A week before she told me there was no limo and we would meet at prom. I get there and meet with them. Prom was on a boat. They had tables set up some for people and some just there with table cloths. We chose a table that sat only 4 people. Both my friends had dates but I did not. I suggested pushing tables together. There was an unoccupied table next me. Their response was oh no we can't there might be someone sitting there. There was no silverware. No purses. No bags. No indication that anyone could sit there. I just said ok fine and pulled up an empty chair to the end and their table. Later that night my zipper broke on my dress. I asked for one of my friends to find the t4acher who we knew to have Bobby pins and clips for this kind of disaster because if I stood up my everything would be showing. They threw a fit "why can't you do it yourself" "why don't you go sit with your sister" "why did you come without a date" my dress was falling apart...my sister was sitting with her friends doing her thing...i didn't think having a boyfriend was that important...unlike my one friend whose mom set her up with a total stranger.....hmmmm....i Then later found out both my friends came in a limo....imagine that there was a limo....i confronted them about it and was told it was a surprise...nothing personal. I called bs because she had been talking about it for weeks...i was alone the rest of the year. We graduated...i went to the local community college for a year and a half. One of my former friends was there and we talked some but after that we haven't. I didn't have any friends. After college because it didn't work out. I flunked out because of the math. I spent too much time on it only to fail math and a few other classes. I spent 2 years in bedroom in my parents house watching tv and wondering where I belonged in life.

My mom then when I turned 22 convinced me to join this special needs bowling group. I met a lot of people there and became friends with them. Everyone had different abilities and deficits and I liked this group because it focused on the abilities. My whole life everyone focused on what needed to be fixed or worked on with me and I finally found people that cared about what I could do. Then one day that all changed when one of the girls who I'm not blaming because she gets facts twisted in her mind and they get turned negative told her mom that I called her a lesbian. I did not say anything like that to her but her mom believed her. I had one other girl who was there back up what I said. This girls mom started saying that I was doing all these horrible things. She said I was saying mean things about her daughter and some other girls. She got a bunch of other parents behind her including a leader of another group I joined after the bowling group. I was shunned from the group. I stopped being invited to events. I was blocked by most of the people. The friend that backed me up became and still is my only friend. She almost got kicked out of the group herself just for backing my story. I was shunned. I lost a bunch of friends.

The adults in my life have been the ones who did the most harm to my wellbeing. After that last incident I decided not to care what others thought anymore because I know the truth. I know who I am. I give Taylor swift most of the credit for helping me through all of this crap because right after my last bout of bullying she came out with look what you made me do and it made my life so much happier. It helped me to move on and to be better. I still go to bowling. I still see these people but I'm not angry anymore. I am bashing their hate with total kindness and so far I've been getting snotty looks from the moms but no one had said or done anything. I'm still talking to my friends even though I can't hang out at their houses and be as close as we were their moms can't say anything without looking bad. As long as I am nice and kind...which I am anyway...there is nothing they can do. I'm using Selena Gomez quote "kill em with kindness" and Taylor swift "shake it off" "look what you made me do" I am thriving and there isn't a person out there that can bring me down!

[theflooriscool-blog]

March 1, 2017: I’m sorry, mom (Repost)

   Do you remember when I asked Grandma about God and all she said to me was that I had to shut up and accept if I didn't want to go to hell? Do you remember when, in preschool, she saw me walking hand in hand with a little female friend and you told me it was immoral and God didn't like it? Do you remember that first time I refused to go to church and you left me 1 week without internet access? I never believed 100% in God and you know it.

  Do you remember in 5th grade when that boy made a fake about me on facebook? He was my best friend, but obviously you didn't know that, you never cared about any friends of mine, did you? You always said that it was best for me to stay in mine own and not talk to anyone, because that would certainly be a problem and whenever I tried to tell you something that involved someone else you asked me why I was telling you that, because, according to yourself, it didn't matter to you, but you still argued with me that I didn't tell you about fake, well, that's when I saw you crying and I started hiding my life much more from you, including the first cuts on my wrist. 

  Soon after that, when I started to get depressed because of everything that had happened, I left school and the English course. I had headaches all the time and you didn't know what to do unless took me to the hospital for 3 to 4 times the same week and nothing worked, I was given anti-depressants, painkillers, but the pain just seemed to get worse, until I had an overdose. Well, that was intentional, I was already feeling dead.

  Do you remember the girl who always went home to do some school work? I loved everything about her, just the way you think now, but I also liked a boy, who eventually became my boyfriend. 

  Do you remember when I told you about this first boyfriend and I thought you were going to lecture me? You did’nt do that. But a few months later we broke up, and I started getting involved with a girl.

  Do you remember when you saw my facebook posts and messages, found out everything I didn't want you to know and started hating me? You asked me how I had turned that, what you had done wrong to make me a “whore” and didn't even want to look in my face anymore. I felt very bad but I can't change who I am but I know deep down you know that too and I just hope one day you understand. Today is my 14th birthday and I apologize for not being the daughter you wanted.

[1000fandoms]

Can you answer 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 19, 20, 22, 23, 25, 28, 30, 33, 34, 37, 39, 41, 43, 45, and 49 please? I'm terribly sorry if this is to much for you to handle!

No it’s ok!! I’m sorry about the length though!I’ll add a “read more” when I convince myself to get my laptop out later.

2. Top favorite 3 songs as of now?Um… these are more like ones I listen to/sing often“All for One” by Five for Fighting“Hallelujah” by Tori Kelly, I think? Correct me if I’m wrong!And “Believer” by Imagine Dragons

5. In your opinion, cutest way to be asked out?I dunno. I’ve never been asked out. Um… I really don’t know! There are so many ways… I guess, maybe kinda random while we’re having a lot of fun? Or maybe on a night out, like a gentleman? Not even on a DATE, just as we’re spending time together? (I looove flowers so that’s always a bonus)

6. Favorite season?Ehhh… I like all of them!I LOVE snowBut I also love summertimeAnd flowers in the springAnd the colors changing in the fall

7. Favorite candy?UhhhSnickers, Milky Ways, Reese’s PB cups, (do buttermints count?), Twix, and there are so many more I haven’t thought of

8. Dark or milk chocolate?Milk chocolate!!

10. Has someone ever changed you significantly and how?I’m not sure. If we’re talking about over time, then my family, yeah! But nothing too significantly, maybe. (I have horrible memory though)

12. Left handed or right handed?Rightie!!

14. Who’s your best friend and how long have you been friends?

Like, not internet, right?Well, I have my cousin. And we’ve known each other like, our entire lives, cause she’s 5 months younger And then there’s one of my best friends, and we met in preschool. We’ve been friends for about 15/16 years (my artist friend) And then there’s one, who’s like, the almost EXACT version of me, except she’s black. We call ourselves an OREOAnd then there’s one more I was close with, despite only seeing eachother at church. But we’ve drifted apart, and I really miss her

15. Is there anyone you like and why?Oh there was this boy, that I’d liked on-and-off since 6th grade. He was really funny, kind, and smart. He always made me laugh. Never really got close though

16. What are some of your pet peeves?someONE NOT WASHING THEIR HANDS AFTER GOING TO THE BATHROOM. LIKE. EW. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!!?!?

17. Favorite and least favorite subjects in school?Favorites-7th grade Physical Science/11TH grade chemistry Least favorites- SENIOR YEAR PRE-CALCULUSOMW I HATED THAT CLASS

19. Sweaters or hoodies?I think hoodies! Especially oversized ones!

20. Snow or rain?Well, snow in generalRain if I can just watch from my bedroom window and cherish the noise

22. Who makes you smile regardless?Most of the time, my mom or my artist friend. Not so much a WHO, but also fanfics and tv shows/anime

23. What would you want your name to be if you were the opposite sex?I have no idea lol. Maybe Gabriel? Never really thought about it

25. Favorite song lyrics?Ooohhh I got so many songs. But what popped in my mind was“You are more than the choices that you’ve made,You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,You are more than the problems you create,You’ve been remade”- Choices by Tenth Avenue North

28. A book you could read over and over again?I’m not sure. A MOVIE I really like is “The Princess Bride”. I’ve read the book (and I am COMPLETELY aware of the whole book/movie inaccuracy) But this was the first thing I thought of for some reason

30. What is the worst thing someone could do to you?In a relationship? … My artist friend recently broke up with her boyfriend after, like, a year because he lost interest. I’ve never felt that hurt personally, but I suppose that’s something. That, or lie to me and say they do. (Got that from a fic. Pardon my lack of a love life)In general? I hate when older people talk down to me. Like, anyone I guess. Yes, I’m 18. Yes, I know I don’t know everything. Yes, I sometimes act childish. But don’t treat me like a kid.

33. Night owl or morning bird?Night owl, mostly

34. A band/artist you want to see in concert?Uhhh… I’m not sure. I don’t really go to concerts. O.o

37. What do you fear most and why?Being forgotten. Just by people I thought I was kinda close to, or just friends in general. OrNEEDLES. I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT I WILL CRY

39. How old are you?(Lol I said this for 30)18!

41. Ever gotten your heart broken, how?I’m not sure about BROKEN. Not in a relationship. But I guess in life, maybe.

43. A few things on your bucket list?Travel the worldBe on Broadway, maybe?

45. How often do you wear a fake smile?It depends on my day. I don’t keep track, but there are some days that I wear one a lot

49. Most hurtful thing someone has said to you?Heh… there’s a couple…

To explain: I’ve always been kinda heavy, but it’s mainly from stress eating. So…

“At least I know how to eat right.” is the first one I remember. I don’t remember what grade I was in but it was maybe 5th? Middle school?

More recently

“There’s not enough room [for you?]. Does anyone smaller want to ride?” Referring to a freaking CAR. I was at a birthday party, in like a neighborhood that had a mini golf course at the entrance, and we had to drive up to it from the main “activity house” and one of my classmates, who had a car, offered a ride, because the pickup the Dad was driving was kinda full, so I asked (BECAUSE IT Was full and I didn’t want to ride and make everyone more… squished) and he said that and… yeah. It hurt

So, I was at another classmate’s 18th birthday, and we were playing a game where we were tied at the wrist and had a balloon around each of our ankles. I was with a girl I was kinda close to and we were one of the last groups so we decided to hide under a table (cause they were covered with a long tablecloth) in front of the house.

Well the SAME boy who said the thing above^^ was with the “birthday boy” asked for a hint to where we were. The mom said we were hiding and the birthday boy suggested to look under the tables but then HE said“[My nickname] can’t…”He didn’t finish. But I knew what he was going to say.

I looked at my friend, and she looked at me and I’m pretty sure she could see how hurt I was.

I apologize if you didn’t want the whole back story thing. Or the 3 different things.

And I’m sorry that this whole thing is soooooo long. But thank you for asking!

[reyarey]

Rant below the cut. It’s pretty long and it’s extremely vent-y.

So, I was just randomly thinking about what’s happened in my past and I honestly just need to get it off my chest. So I’m gonna start where everything got interesting, which would be middle school.

For me, the first year of middle school was 5th grade. The first half of the year went by normally, nothing special happening. I had some friends I hung out with all the time(mostly guys), all was well. Then the second semester rolled up and that’s where everything got harder than I thought it would be and I just sorta panicked over everything from that point forward. That was when I started procrastinating to no end, trying my best to please my mom and be like my straight A’s older sister who went to a smartypants school. It was pretty obvious all the smart kids went there because it started with a 3-letter abbreviation and ended in “Academy.” But I digress.

That’s when my mom started scolding me for not doing my work, I tried everything to try and avoid doing my homework, and just overall trying to ignore the problem. Keep in mind, I’m ten years old here.

Sixth grade wasn’t a problem and seventh grade wasn’t really a problem either, until we got to the end of that year. In the beginning of 7th grade, I got my first boyfriend. He was a really sweet guy and I adored him. All was well, but when we got to that last history assignment of the year, my whole world crumbled.

My goddamn teacher(Let’s call him Z) gave us an assignment that felt like it was hell on Earth. To pass the assignment, you had to earn 50 points and there was a list of smaller assignments and small projects you could do to get said 50 points. There’s just one problem: The list is fuckin’ long and each choice gave, AT MOST, five points. And the five-point ones were hard as hell to do. It was insane, and that really drove me over the edge. My mom droned me to do the assignments and it was only after the year ended that she realized how bad that assignment actually was. And that was after all the damage had been done and couldn’t be fixed, no matter how much she apologized.

Eighth grade came up, and my boyfriend broke up with me midway through the first semester. I never thought my world could get more broken after that assignment from hell.

I did everything for the guy. He wanted to hang out with his friends at lunch but he also wanted to hang out with me, so I went with him. He pestered me about being so shy and forcefully tried to get me out of my shell, and I tried with him. I did everything for him and I thought we could actually keep the relationship going. Then, out of fucking nowhere, he just drops the bomb, giving the reason “I’m emotionally unstable and can’t be in a relationship with you.” I understood the issue and told him and tried to tell myself that I was okay with it and that I would be fine.

I was not fine. Not by a long shot.

I was extremely depressed. It became harder to make me truly happy. All the smiles I slapped onto my face during that time were fake, me trying to put on the facade that I was happy and okay. This was the point where I started writing my feelings out in stories and poems.

One day I wanted to print a poem, but I was at school and I was afraid that I would forget to do it later. So I asked my Science/Advisory teacher to do it for me. She was amazing, I love and miss her to death. She printed it for me and read it before she gave it to me. It mentioned that I was thinking of suicide. The moment she came up to me to give it to me, she asked if I needed to go to the counselor. I said yes and for two hours after that, I was in my counselors office as he talked me through my feelings and I cried my eyes out. It was not a pretty sight.

After that, I was relatively okay. Sure, my feelings would have random dips that would dig underground and I think about suicide again, but I never actually planned to do it.

Now to the high school transition. I left my middle school and went to high school, and the year started off fine. But as the weeks progressed, I found that I was talking to my friends from middle school less and less, until we stopped talking altogether. I was extremely lonely and I grew more and more depressed as that year progressed.

I can’t remember much from that year, because one of the only friends I made that year moved away and I guess I just don’t want to remember the times I spent because then I’d start thinking about her and oh my god I’m thinking about her now how about we move on.

My sophomore year was better. I got together with a bunch of people in my band class and I still talk to them to this day, and I met my best friend, @join-our-ackercult. Hanji.

Neither of us can recall just how we met, but I do remember our teacher telling us to get into groups of three and I was already with one other guy, and she was alone at her desk, looking around the room and we gestured her over. And it’s all a blur from there. I felt least lonely that year because my late ex-boyfriend and I got together and it felt amazing. Easily my favorite year of high school so far, but there are more memories to make because right now I’m a Junior and the band is going to Disneyland to perform and I’m super excited for that.

I’m not totally sure how to transfer into this train of thought, so I’m just going to come out and say it. People have left me randomly in my life, and I’m only going to turn 17 this October. I had a falling out with a friend my fifth grade year, I met a really close friend in sixth grade who I lost in eighth grade.

She had a birthday party and we hadn’t hung out for a while because she moved away. She invited me to her birthday party and I happily obliged, eager to talk to my middle school best friend again. Well at the party, two other girls were there, and all they would ever talk about is homestuck. They’d exclude me from everything. I’d try singing along to songs with them and my friend would sit back and watch as the other two girls told me to stop and just leave the three of them alone. Easily one of the worst nights of my life so far. I haven’t really spoken to my friend since.

After all my friends leaving me randomly, whether it’s without warning, for horrible reasons, or totally okay reasons, I’ve just grown numb to the feeling. This feeling of being abandoned, to the point where if it happens again - and it probably will - I’ll just brush it off as normal for my life and move on with few tears.

NOBODY should ever have that feeling. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression my sophomore year and I still struggle with it. I regret not telling my therapist this and I’m going to print this later to give to them, but I have suicidal thoughts pretty often. The most often they’ve happened is two days in a row or every other day. I wish for ceilings to collapse and crush the life outta me. Hell, this past summer I was camping with my family and some friends, and we were going to beaches near Forks, Washington. We were going to cross the street and IN FRONT OF MY YOUNGER SISTER, a truck was hurtling towards us as we were on the side of the road(a semi-truck fyi), and there was that split second in my mind where I wanted to jump in front of it and let it break every bone in my body.

I’m saying this now, I am not okay. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be “okay.” I still don’t really remember what being truly happy is. Yes, I genuinely laugh with my friends. Yes, I smile and joke with them and have a good time in the moment, but it’s only in the moment. As soon as I’m away from them, I just go numb inside. The hole in my chest that was filled with the presence of my friends empties and I am not okay until I talk to them again or until I think about them or text them.

I can’t remember what being okay feels like.

[dreamscape195]

So once upon a time  just earlier this year I made a D&D character. I picked gnome because I wanted to be short (but not a halfling) - but I rolled for my class and randomly got Druid.

Ever since then I’ve been realizing that I’m such a f*cking druid though. 

Maybe some of you remember [the incident] [with the tree] that they cut down on my birthday back in 2014. I was so [hysterically upset] about this tree. 

I still get upset when I see a big wide tree stump. I’m angry every time I hear about an old tree being cut down. 

I used to bike to a park like 3 miles from home specifically to read or draw under the willow there. 

When I used to go fishing with my family, I really only ever went to “visit” the willow there. 

I was extremely proud for our black walnut trees the first time they produced.

I have no idea how the hell my dad even knows what a druid is but he recently called me one. The man is a no fun, no nonsense, trump supporting, western watching, engineer. 

I liked Avatar. A lot. Hometree’s death killed me more than any other living things’ except maybe the Tree of Voices site. 

LONG before Avatar came out I’d had dreams in which there was this weird yellow “grass” (that was like soft fleshy water-filled tubes) that had a connected neural network that one could tap into (via touch). In the dreams they usually showed me memories that happened there, or warned me of danger nearby the “grasses” a bit farther away so that I could escape safely. 

When I was in grade school I had this teeny patch of forest that’s on the property line between our field and the neighbors and I tried to use vines and fallen branches to weave a secret hidden base into the area. I roped all of my friends into helping me and got viciously angry if anyone broke the rule about not breaking any branches or twigs off living trees/vines.

In that patch of forest there were 2 climbable trees and I cannot begin to tell you how many hours I spent in my favorite of the two, reading or sleeping or whatever. I’m still so familiar with that tree that I could climb it with my eyes closed - and there’s definitely a spot where you have to push off of one of the trunk divides to get around a branch as you’re scaling the one you sit on.

My dad always pruned the lower branches on the trees in our orchard so that they’d grow higher up and look “nicer” and I hated it. Hated it. They look so fake. Too perfectly shaped. 

I have at least 300 photos of trees I’ve taken since I got my ipod in like 2010. Not counting [pics of just] [the bark]. 

I have a favorite tree in so many different places. Favorite tree on the college campus. Favorite tree in the area of the outlet stores an hour from home. Favorite tree in the city two and a half hours north of us. Those are actual examples of places I have favorite trees in, not just made up examples.

Whenever my dad yanks the vines out of the ditch I make them into wreathes.

In 5th grade I won the “shelter making” contest at camp by a landslide. They took pictures. I was upset because I hadn’t even finished it yet. I found the widest tree I could and used logs and branches to make a lean-to and then started piling up smaller twigs and leaves to cover the framework. 

Remember that aforementioned IRL tree I was so upset about in bullet-point one? I just glanced up just now right as I’m typing this and realized I still have a branch from it that I stole the day they cut it down. It’s sitting in an urn. I’m not kidding.

How can you not respect trees?????? I genuinely don’t understand! D:

[lighthouseofthewanderess]

Feeling

I’ve established that childhood wasn’t easy. And after the final days of my abuse, we went back to the US. We settled this time in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I went to Red Bank Elementary. But knowing that something out of the ordinary had happened to me made me look at everything differently. Even people. I longed to share my new found facts; a hand or two to hold while I pull myself up. But their eyes were bright and innocent. Even the ones that tried so hard to look like grown ups were smothered with the air of ignorance. It was hard to walk with my little feet that were suddenly carrying too much. I remember how I found myself changing in school. I didn’t put my hand up to answer. I was the last to walk out for recess. There was no ‘what will life show me today’ when I woke up. The hard times had hit me once again, and this time there was no one with me.

“Why do you sit like that?” the popular girls were picking on me again. They were Mexican, with beautiful dusky skin that glowed. Yet they slapped on whitening creams, shaved their legs, and wore tiny denim skirts.

“Like what?” I asked. In comparison, I looked frayed. Light toned but duller skin, wrapped up with too many layers and disheveled hair. All I wanted was to be ignored, and I thought I was doing a great job at it.

“You know what I mean. You sit with your hands under your ass. Such a weirdo.” That’s like the most insignificant question ever. I cleared my throat as I cooked up an answer. The truth was that I occupied less space that way, and since I was always trying to vanish, sitting on my hands made be feel safer.

“My hands get cold. I am not used to the cold.” I put on my dumb look and waited till they bought it. The old me would have cracked a joke, asked a smarter question, or just walked away. But not this me. This me tempted trouble. This me wanted to feel something, anything; even if it was pain. But it didn’t happen. My heart was locked away safe. My coping mechanism to the trauma was to turn into stone. I visualized myself building a cocoon around myself, turning into a fossil, and staying hidden. I was in plain sight, you could brush off some layers and find the real me -- but you won’t. I was too good at faking it. The more I faked it -- being normal, being happy, being okay with the life I was leading -- the easier it got to get through the days.  When we moved to Whicita and I joined Gammon Elementary again, I thought I’ll feel the familiar rush of my spectacular albeit short-lived school life. But it didn’t happen. That went on till I found Maurico again in my 5th grade class. Hope. The feeling rode over the tender chambers of my heart. Would he remember that I taught him English in 2nd grade? It almost gave me wings and I thought I’ll lift myself from the muddy pit without anyone’s hand. But Maurico was different now. The shyness had gone, he spoke fluently, he had grown. He nodded in my direction and that’s all we shared. I frowned deeply as I walked away. What went wrong? Can everyone look at me and know about my dad. The thought terrified me. But at least it was a feeling. It was ages feeling anything at all; I wasn’t going to complain about getting the bad ones first. But like my fear of imagination slipping away in the morning, Mr.Feeling tip-toed out of my bed in the middle of the night taking the warmth of my heart away. When the sun shone through the curtain, I stirred awake. And the rays went back to bouncing off my cold skin like before. Deep breaths. You’ll feel something soon. I carried my heavy heart around like that for years, learning to give the steel eyes. So impenetrable that you’d wonder what I was like inside. I didn’t care about making enemies. I didn’t care about hurting someone’s feeling. I turned cold, bitter, angry. I knew I was emitting misery everywhere I went; and just because I was miserable didn’t mean others had to know. But this lesson would be taught by someone invaluable in my life. Riyaz. I met Riyaz in Cathedral, my school in India. He smiled from far. No matter how much I frowned or ignored him, he smiled. He would walk me to school van even if I marched ahead hoping to lose him. Riyaz made it clear that he’ll be the one to tame the shrew, get her to feel again. From then on it became a game. Even if I felt something, I would lie about it. And why not, I was good at it. Good enough to fool you. Turns out he also knew. But I always thought I was winning. And that’s why I never saw it coming. Years of not feeling had made me insensitive, and I had a big mouth that didn’t consider how others would process things. One day I asked about his father. Riyaz paused, dead in his steps, and then smiled a little.

“He’s not here.” That’s convenient. Dare I try to bring this boy into my world?

“Mine’s not here too. He’s a monster.” Why I decided to tell him this I don’t know. But I did and waited for him to tell some more about his dad. It never came; we reached my school van and I stalled a little outside, but he didn’t say a word. As always, he waved as I left and smiled his big smile.

The next day I asked around about his dad. Did anyone happen to know where he was? The story goes like this. When Riyaz was practising for the annual dance, he got a call. It was the one call he wasn’t supposed to miss, but his phone was safe in his blazer and he was up on the stage tasting the sweet freedom of space. During the break, he checked his phone and saw the missed calls from his mom. He quickly called and heard that his father had passed away. He tried to leave immediately but he was told to finish the practice before leaving. This decision is rumored to be the act of a girl who liked him, but we will never know. And so, Riyaz now upset and angry lashed out on the stage, finished his cursed practice and fled to see his soulless father. When I heard it all, I believed it at once. Something about it just made sense. It accounted for so many of Riyaz’s actions; how could I have not seen it. My chest tightened, like the way my cold body got colder in the rain. I took a deep breath, lifting up my heart in comfort. But when I breathed out, my heart was free falling. Heavier and heavier, so fast that I couldn’t stand up at all. I sat down, thanking the bearer of grave news. In the silence that followed, I saw colors. Something broke inside, and I couldn’t forgive myself for bringing that topic with Riyaz after what he had gone through. How stupid and selfish are you, I scolded myself. I felt the long-lost choking within my throat. By instinct I blinked, expecting tears. But they didn’t come. I opened my mouth and tried to let out a sob. No luck. It got to me so much that I pulled out my geometry box, unwrapped the 7 o'clock blade and cut myself.  I still didn’t cry, but the pain seeped out with the crimson beads.

I know what you’re thinking. Was I that dumb to end up like most girls? And the answer is yes. For a while, yes. The news spread like wildfire; Priya cut her hand for Riyaz. I couldn’t get one word in on that rumor before Riyaz himself heard it. And he confronted me about it.

“Why did you do it.” his eyes were half closed like always, calm and composed.

“I didn’t. No I mean, I did. But not like that. I don’t love you or anything.” I stammered, blushed, smiled. What was this sudden influx of emotion. Why was I feeling so much. I prided myself of my cold heart; how I was immune to the very emotions I was feeling. He waited till I gathered my words.

“I am sorry. I was upset to hear about your dad. I hated myself, I wanted to cry.”

“And you thought hurting yourself would help?” he cut me off and asked me sharply. Suddenly out of his mouth, it sounded ridiculous. He didn’t pause for a reply.

“I thought you were a strong girl. A special girl.” My eyebrows rose up. Oh no, did he just classify me basic? I opened my mouth to answer.

“Don’t do things that aren’t you. And don’t change for anyone.” He walked away, but I stood there for a while, hugging myself. He had come so close to tell the last line and I wasn’t scared he’ll hurt me. That’s a first.  My mom always talked about good attracting good, but this didn’t match that. I wasn’t good at all. I wrote poetry for him, he returned the favor. We spent after school hours in the library, in our safe little world. When I fainted, I woke up to him and felt safe. I smiled at the meaning of it. Is this it? Is this what people feel when they have someone looking out for them? The excitement got back color to my skin, warmth to my heart. I laughed in a way that touched my eyes, making them two little slits. I always rushed in, struggling to wear my blazer while at it, into the morning assembly. He would stand as prefect before the class looked after and I would come to a halt at mine. He would hide a smile and look straight up and fix his tie. I always took that gesture to be his hello to me. Before the summer break, he placed a hand on my shoulder and said ‘take care’. It took me a year to be okay with that and somehow he had known. I smiled all the way home over it. I was filled with hope. That this, whatever it is, stays with me forever. He would later tell me that the best thing about me was that I wasn’t oblivious to the world. That I accepted  it for its surprises and torments, the latter more easily.  He didn’t know about my dad, but he sensed I had travelled a long and tiring road. He had this running joke about my life’s timeline. I remember that we were in one of my school’s many pavilions when he brought it up. It was lunch break and kids were screaming in the background.

“There is before Riyaz and then there is after Riyaz.” “What?” I laughed walking ahead again. He always let me do that.

“Yes. That’s how it is going to be. And now that I’m here, I’m going to make sure nothing bad ever touches you.” At that, I paused and he walked ahead.

“Are you coming with me or no?” he held out a hand smugly and I took it. We didn’t talk about that moment ever. But there was an unsaid promise made between us. There was only one problem.

All-knowing Riyaz forgot to factor in that people change, all the time. And a promise like that can’t be kept up by anyone. In a year, everything would change. It didn’t matter if we both cried on graduation night. It didn’t matter if we called each other up every day when he moved to Chennai. I could read my diaries over and over again, reminisce over long sultry afternoons when we walked around the campus. It still wouldn’t forgive the one day I didn’t call. The one mail I didn’t reply to. The one time I should’ve stayed with him the way he did. But that’s the thing with hope; it is fickle. We hope too much, all too soon. Before you know it, you hope more for the new things assuming the older things can still on memories. Including love. I would be wrong, once again.