#I really don’t want to discuss Brittany in depth | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

themostrandomfandom · 6 years ago

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Hi! I found your blog the TKTD, and that fic and your theories have highkey gotten me back into glee :D your content is so interesting, thank you so much! I haven't read all of your analyses yet, so I may have missed something, but I'm still wondering a couple things 1. why did Brittany fail senior year? You've written a lot about her not being dumb (despite her intelligence being non-normative), and we know she's able to do at least very advanced math. It seems like her primary goal would be...

To move to the next stage of life with Santana, so why wasn’t avoiding failing out a bigger priority for her? Furthermore, as someone who was so involved with extracurriculars (Cheerios, glee), she must’ve needed to maintain reasonable grades to avoid academic suspension. So avoiding failing seems like something that would be on her radar? and 2. do you think brittany dropped the ‘if sex were dating santana and i would be dating’ line on purpose?

Hey, @savealtonrichards!

Sorry it’staken me so long to answer you! I don’t have much internet access these days.:p

If you’re infor a good ramble, it’s under the cut.

(WARNING:Here be griping about Glee writing—as one does.)

___

First thingsfirst:

Theout-of-universe stuff.

Glee is a show that’s difficult to categorize because while it ostensibly takes place withina realistic fictional universe (as opposed to say a fantasy or science fictionone), there are times when it noticeably deviates from reality.

Though thecharacters seemingly live in suburban Ohio in the early 2010s and areregular human beings living “regular lives,” there are certain aspects of theirexistences that absolutely strain credulity (even when one actively tries tosuspend disbelief).

Some ofthese breaches are obvious, like when Lord Tubbington is shown as being capableof using a computer. However, others manifest more as gaps in logic—the typesof minor “glitches” in believability that cause the viewing audience to go,“Wait a minute. That’s not how that plot development would play out in reallife.”

One exampleof this second type of breach is how between S4 and S6, the young charactersliving in New York, most of whom are supposedly tight on money, arenevertheless able to jet set back and forth to Lima seemingly every otherweekend, as if plane and train tickets are free and travel takes no time orenergy at all. Another is that Sue Sylvester could do all of the illegal,immoral, and just flat-out batshit insane things she does without ever being firedor prosecuted. Still another is that nineteen and twenty year-old kids likeBlaine, Finn, and Sam could be hired to coaching positions at their respectivehigh school alma maters, even though none of them holds a college degree orteaching certificate.

The breachin realism that is pertinent to our discussion has to do with Brittany’sacademic history—which as depicted in show canon is replete with gaps and holesand just doesn’t make much sense.

In episode1x07, we are told that for years Sue has been doctoring the grades of herCheerios, including perhaps Brittany’s. However, even after Will puts his footdown and flunks many of their teammates, the Unholy Trinity, including Brittany,continues to attend Cheerios practice. They are the only Cheerios who do.

How theyalone of the whole squad retain their academic eligibility is not clear.Santana may not be taking Spanish, as she’s not shown in the class. However,Quinn and Brittany most definitely are, so either they must be passing (whiletheir teammates are not) or else Will must have decided against giving them thefailing grades they would otherwise deserve, perhaps because he doesn’t want torender them ineligible for glee club.

WillSchuester is nothing if not a hypocrite, so honestly I wouldn’t put it past himto walk that particular low road.

In any case,the show never really clarifies to what extent Brittany may rely on Sue tomaintain a passing GPA.

ThroughoutS1, Brittany is reported to cheat off of Becky’s schoolwork in math class (seeepisode 1x09) and is shown attempting to cheat off of Quinn’s tests in Spanishclass (see episode 1x07), incidents which suggest that she does at timesstruggle with academic performance during her sophomore year.

However, herstruggles are not explored in depth, and her continued eligibility for theCheerios would indicate that either she somehow manages to make passing grades,struggles notwithstanding, or else that interference from Sue renders herstruggles moot.

Kurt alsoreports that Finn sometimes cheats off of Brittany’s math assignments (seeepisode 1x10). We don’t know if this cheating represents an isolatedincident or a pattern of behavior. However, if it’s the second option, then given that Finn maintains his academiceligibility for football even after having cheated off Brittany’s work, andconsidering that, unlike with Brittany, Sue is unlikely to have doctored Finn’sgrades, we can perhaps surmise that Brittany at least occasionally managesto earn passing grades on her own.

Even if Sueis pulling strings to keep Brittany on the field, come S2, the situationchanges, as in episode 2x11 Brittany quits Cheerios, at which point whatever“help” Sue had been giving her is almost certainly rescinded.

Shortlythereafter, in episode 2x13, Brittany remarks that hergrades are bad (“Totally. Most teachers think that by cutting class, I mightimprove my grades”), perhaps suggesting a drop-off due to a cessation in Sue’shelp.

Even so, it would still seem that Brittany isn’t altogether failing, asshe apparently passes the eleventh grade and commences thetwelfth grade with the rest of her class.

The shownever specifies to what extent Brittany and the other glee kids must maintaintheir grades in order to stay in show choir. On the one hand, glee club is notan athletic program, so the rules for eligibility may be different than withcheerleading or football. On the other hand, glee club is seemingly anextracurricular activity in which students may “letter,” and it does have itsown governing board and competition requirements, so perhaps its eligibilityrequirements are similar or even identical to those for prep sports. To whatextent there may be “house rules” specific to WMHS as opposed to district orstatewide rules for all competitive show choirs remains unclear.

My guess isthat there’s got to be some kind of statewide threshold for eligibility,particularly as we’re told, per Jesse St. James, that the Carmel High kids in VocalAdrenaline cheat and doctor their grades in order to maximize their practicetime and minimize their schoolwork.

Whatever thespecific requirements may be, the fact that Brittany remains eligible toparticipate in glee club throughout her junior year is another point that maysuggest that even without Sue’s interference Brittany maintains a passing GPA. ThatBrittany is eligible to rejoin the Cheerios come her senior year also suggeststhat her eligibility remains intact as she finishes out the eleventh grade.

However,things seem to take a sudden downshift from there, both in terms of Brittany’sprospects and in terms of narrative sense-making.

Come S3, we arefinally told that Brittany has a 0.0 GPA, though it’s never specified if that’sher semester, yearlong, or cumulative GPA. My guess is that it’s the secondoption, given that Brittany is told she must repeat the twelfth grade (asopposed to just making up a few credits during summer school or repeating multiplegrades).

That said,the situation surrounding her failure remains murky.

Prior to S3,Brittany has seemingly maintained a passing GPA, as is evidenced by heraforementioned progress through her freshman, sophomore, and junior years ofhigh school and her continued academic eligibility to participate in Cheeriosand glee club.

However, theshow never reveals how she has come by this passing GPA.

Our threemain options for explaining this phenomenon seem to be:

We can infer that Sue hasmanipulated Brittany’s grades in order to keep her academically eligible forvarsity sports.

We can infer that Brittanyhas achieved passing grades through her own efforts.

We can infer that perhaps somecombination of the above two options has taken place (i.e., that Sue hasmanipulated some of her grades, while others she earned through her ownefforts).

On the onehand, the show heavily implies that Brittany is a very poor student who wouldprobably be incapable of passing her classes if not for Sue manipulating thesystem on her behalf. On the other hand, given that Brittany maintains academiceligibility for Cheerios even when Will flunks many of her teammates in hersophomore year AND that she spends a significant portion of her junior year offthe Cheerios and still manages to pass, it would seem that Brittany is able tomake grades even during the times when Sue isn’t propping her up.

The questionsthen become: If Brittany can pass the eleventh grade “on her own,” then whydoes she fail the twelfth grade? Furthermore, how come Brittany is allowed toremain on the Cheerios and in glee club even once her grades start slipping?Why does her failure only come to light after it is essentially too late forher (or anyone else) to do anything about the problem? How come Sue, who hasnever had any qualms about manipulating her cheerleaders’ grades in the past,seemingly “allows” Brittany to fail her senior year? How come not a singleteacher or counselor at WMHS makes any efforts to help Brittany, even thoughshe is obviously struggling?

After all, Brittany’s 0.0 GPA seems to be a reflection of a chronic problem.

The firsttime we hear about said failing GPA is in episode 3x19, which is the sameepisode that features the WMHS senior prom.

For mostAmerican public high schools, prom takes place anywhere between March and June,which means that somehow Brittany is allowed to fail for at least one or two fullsemesters (or, more likely, given that many Midwestern American public schoolstend to run on the quarter system, two or even three full quarters) before Figgins tells her what’s up.

The school thenseemingly takes no action—at least as we see play out on screen—to helpBrittany course-correct for the final semester or two quarters of her senioryear.

She’s notput on academic monitoring or probation. She’s not assigned a tutor. MissPillsbury doesn’t set up any meetings with her to discuss her options or determineher future. No one writes her an IEP. She just crashes and burns until the endof the year, at which point she fails to graduate.

It strainscredulity that in today’s day and age Brittany could flunk out as “quietly” asshe did, without anyone—including her parents, coaches, guidance counselor,and/or girlfriend—realizing she was in trouble at any point along the way.

Where werethe midterm progress reports? The report cards? The summonses to MissPillsbury’s office? The failed tests that required the signature of her parent orguardian? Santana glimpsing an F on her Spanish essay and ripping Mr. Schue agoddamn new one because who is he to tell Brittany she isn’t conjugating verbsright when he can’t tell his own ass from an ñ?

Shouldn’tsomeone somewhere along the way have noticed something was wrong while therewas still time enough left to do something about it—and particularlyconsidering that Brittany is not only a student but a student athlete?

Per the OhioHigh School Athletic Association, a student must earn “passing grades in aminimum of five one-credit courses, or the equivalent, in the immediatelypreceding grading period” of athletic competition in order to be eligible toparticipate in a varsity sport, so in theory, after she fails that first term,Brittany shouldn’t be able to compete as part of the Cheerios squad at all, letalone be one of the senior leaders.

For therecord, the real life school districts in Lima, OH require a minimum GPAbetween 2.5 and 3.0 for student athletes.

One has towonder: Where is Sue in all this? How come she doesn’t intervene once she seesthat first bad report card?

After all,Sue has no qualms concerning academic dishonesty. By her own admission, she’s meddledwith her cheerleaders’ grades for years. Why shouldn’t she simply meddle in this case, too? Wouldn’tit be in her best interest to keep Brittany eligible to compete?

Come S4, Sueherself blames a “haze of pregnancy hormones” for preventing her from noticingBrittany’s S3 academic nosedive (see episode 4x02). Another contributory factor to her negligence may be her vicious congressionalcampaign against Reggie Salazar and Burt Hummel.

However,that Sue would allow Brittany to fail still presents a narrative problem, nomatter what her excuses for doing so may be, because the fact remains that academiceligibility is an issue that extends beyond her sole purview.

OnceBrittany fails the first academic quarter of the 2011-2012 schoolyear, shebecomes ineligible to compete in interscholastic competitions. The issue is outof Sue’s hands and into those of the Ohio High School Athletic Association.Some state official somewhere has the responsibility to mark her fileand bar her from any further participation in state cheer events.

—and yetthat never happens.

Somehow,Brittany remains a cheerleader (and member of the glee club) for the duration of the schoolyear, despite not passing a single class.

It’s one ofthose lapses in believability—those “Wait a minute. That’s not how thatdevelopment would happen in real life” instances—that takes Glee out of the realmof passingly realistic fiction and into the realm of exaggeration and camp.

There’s noway that Brittany could fail an entire year of school without facing anyacademic consequences—that’s just not the way that the American school systemworks, particularly when it comes to athletic eligibility.

How comeFiggins only notes Brittany’s failures in springtime? What is going on during the fall and winter?

For the record, episode 3x19 originally aired on May 8th, 2012. Within the universe of the show, the action of the episode may take place on the same date or at least a proximal one.

By allaccounts, someone somewhere along the way should notice what’s going on—if nota faculty member at Brittany’s own school, then some official on an athleticeligibility committee, or a college cheerleading coach scouting Brittany for anNCAA scholarship, or an auditor working for the superintendent, or a rivalcheerleading coach digging for dirt on Sue Sylvester’s stars.

Someone!

But no onedoes.

I mean,that’s what the show purports.

Figgins knows enough to inform Brittany thatshe’s failing, but he doesn’t do anything to help the situation except to lectureher for neglecting her duties as the senior class president and badger her intoplanning the prom.

Will and Emma, too focused on rescuing Puck from a similarfate, seemingly remain either oblivious to or unconcerned about Brittany’sacademic woes until she’s on the verge of failing her SECOND consecutive senioryear in S4.

And Santana? She’s blindsided. Somehow, even though she andBrittany take classes together and meet up during every passing block and spendall of their spare time in each other’s company outside of school, she has noidea that Brittany is in academic jeopardy—not until Brittany springs the newson her at BreadStix just before what should be their joint graduation.

Not untilit’s too late.

That’s canonas TPTB at Glee wrote it.

It makes nogoddamn sense, but it’s what we’re stuck with.

So.

Onto thesecond order of business, then:

Thein-universe stuff.

Returning toyour original questions: Why does Brittany fail her senior year—from asituational and character perspective? How come she doesn’t work harder not tofail?

Though earlyon, Glee at times tried to play Brittany off as an accidental or even dubiousgenius—such as in the scene in episode 4x22 where she’s first shown solvingcomplex equations for the researchers at MIT—they later fully committed to herprodigy, acknowledging it as the real deal.

By episode5x12, Baby Girl is shown as being capable of tackling the Riemann Hypothesis.Her work at MIT is serious. By S6, she’s doing complex math for fun, albeitwith kitty doodles drawn in the margins. The Brittany of episodes 6x03, 6x06,and 6x08 is able to slip in facts and impressive logical arguments alongsideher usual Brittanyisms and one-liners. Her intelligence is no longer subject todebate.

So what’sthe deal with her flunking out of high school? How can someone capable ofprocessing the most complicated calculus there is fail at high school algebra?

Here’s thething: While Brittany is indeed a certified math genius, there’s not always aneat one-to-one correlation between “raw intelligence” and “academicsuccess.”

Lots offolks who are plenty bright—including many who have impressive naturalaptitudes in certain areas—fail in traditional classroom settings, even inclasses that by all accounts they “should be good at.”

Some havebehavioral tendencies that are incompatible with the classroom culture. Others findthe course materials boring, either because they already know the materialbeing taught or else because the material is being taught in a way that isn’tconducive to their learning style. Still others learn at a different pace thanwhat the curriculum may allow for, working either faster or slower. Many simplytest poorly or have trouble focusing. Organizational issues, language barriers,home circumstances (which may interfere with one’s ability to complete homeworkor come to class rested and ready to learn), individual teacher-studentdynamics, problems with bullying at school, health or disability factors, etc.,etc. may also affect one’s ability to “make grades.”

Many of thesmartest people there are have failed in formalized academic settings. Conversely,many people of average or even below average aptitudes have found ways tosucceed in the classroom. Other factors such as one’s work ethic, connection toteachers and mentors, support networks, accommodations, etc. can also impacteducational success.

In Brittany’scase, there are myriad reasons why, despite her certified genius, she fails herclasses.

For onething, WMHS is a substandard learning environment, just to start out with.

Theatmosphere there is toxic. Bullying runs rampant, with the staff either whollyapathetic toward, powerless to intervene in, or even sometimes party to theperpetuation thereof.

The administration routinely mismanages its resources,spending an inordinate amount of money to support the cheerleading and footballprograms, though lacking certain other necessities—such as a functional specialeducation department, adequate handicap accommodations, and up-to-datetextbooks.

They also hire teachers who are both underqualified (such as Will,who teaches Spanish for years despite not actually speaking the language) andfrequently abusive (such as Sue, who should literally be serving jail time forthe way she treats the student body).

Multiple times, it’s stated that theirstudents test at below average reading levels.

While only a small percentage ofwhat Sue says should ever be believed, her claims that she doctors the gradesof her Cheerios to maintain their academic eligibility to participate in avarsity sport are seemingly accurate, as Will and Principal Figgins aver that such is this case.

Not a single permanentteacher, principal, or guidance counselor at the school, with perhaps theexception of Coach Beiste, appears competent to do their job.

The hijinks ofvarious staff members and students regularly interfere with the learning day.

Rememberthat old post about JennaB. Lacey, the Hogwarts student who just wants to get a proper education but isconstantly prevented from doing so because she has the misfortune of being inthe same year as one Harry Potter, whose adventures and misadventures areconstantly interrupting her lessons and preempting her exams? Just replace “Harry Potter” with “Rachel Berry” or “SueSylvester,” and you’re basically describing the life of your average WMHSstudent.

Though wedon’t spend a lot of time following the New Directions kids through theirregular classes, the few glimpses that we do get suggest that much of thecurriculum they are subjected to is either outdated or else straight upobjectively incorrect.

While theepisode plays the situation for laughs, Holly Holliday’s points about the sexeducation at WMHS being painfully inadequate aren’t at all off the mark. Mrs.Hagberg seems to experience episodes of dementia while teaching (and is aself-admitted painkiller addict). She frequently forgets her spatiotemporallocation and has on occasion been known to teach that the Nazis won WWII. Will speaksSpanglish and buys into racist stereotypes about Latinos. Sue promulgatesconspiracy theories and unsubstantiated revisionist history, purposefullyspreading misinformation as if she were the White House Press Secretary.

Later on, inS6, it’s shown that a complete overhaul is necessary to update the school’stechnology and curriculum in order for the students to start performing up tostandards on their state tests.

—and there’sBrittany, who learns differently than most people do, stuck in the middle ofall of this chaos.

Honestly,it’s a wonder that any of the kids at WMHS achieve any kind of mainstreamacademic success. That Quinn gets into Yale and Tina into Brown is kind of ascholastic miracle, all things considered.

So she’s upagainst a lot of impediments as barriers to her learning just as a baseline.

Then add inher individual difficulties on top of the other stuff.

Brittany’sis a unique mind. It is unclear to what extent book-learning and traditionaleducation work for her. She has a tendency to metaphorize concepts, suggestingthat she is an abstract thinker. Her flair for malapropisms also intimates thather mind is organized in “webs,” with various like-words grouped together byloose strings of associations. Though she is mathematically intelligent, she isalso emotionally intelligent and physically intelligent, as well.

Early on,her genius seems highly intuitive, as she is able to pull numbers out of theair, though she is not always equally able to explain how or by what means she hasdone so. In time, her methods seem to become more examined and deliberate, withtheory underlining what was once a more reflexive capability.

She isperhaps something of an autodidact, able, for instance, to teach herselfSpanish, though she apparently doesn’t fare well in the class in high school.

Though fewpeople on the show, save Santana, realize as much, she frequently runs abouttwo or three steps ahead of everyone else in terms of her conversations andsocial maneuvers. Her zany quips and seemingly innocent demeanor throw peopleoff, to the point where they don’t pick up on just how wily and keen she canbe.

On the onehand, this phenomenon affords her some social leeway—because, after all, she’sjust “Brittany being Brittany.” On the other hand, it sometimes results inthose who fail to understand her talking down to her, infantilizing her, andblowing her off.

Frequently, both Brittany and the people who engage with herwalk away from their interactions frustrated, Brittany because she’s beencondescended to, her conversation partners because they find herincomprehensible and off-putting.

So.

Considerthat many of her teachers—including Will—seem to be confused by the way shetalks and find her irksome to deal with and so tend to be dismissive of herduring classroom discussions.

Because herintelligence is non-normative, a teacher talking about A subject can get her thinkingoff on a tangent about B subject, C subject, and D subject, and pretty soonshe’ll be blurting out a question or comment about Z subject, which from herteacher’s perspective does not relate to the discussion topic at hand and mayeven derail the lesson, distracting the other students. The teacher then eitherreacts to Brittany’s question or comment with annoyance, shutting her down(such as Ms. Hagberg does in episode 3x02); or reacts with bafflement, ignoring her andglossing over what she’s said (such as Will does in episode 1x10). Either way, Brittanydoesn’t get her questions answered or her comments responded to in aconstructive manner, which means that, invariably, she doesn’t get what sheneeds to out of class.

By the timewe first meet her as a sophomore, Brittany’s reputation as a nuisance and“numbskull” precedes her.

Her teachersmake no effort to hide their low opinions of her intelligence.

In episode2x04, everyone ribs Puck for crashing his mom’s car into an ATM and gettingarrested. Brittany joins in the fun, remarking, “He may be the dumbest personon this planet—and that’s coming from me.” Though the moment is generallyjocular, the fact that Brittany’s teacher Will says nothing to defend her toherself speaks volumes. The incident is also not an isolated one, as later inthe season, in episode 2x17, Will directly questions Brittany’s intelligence toher face (“I get the three of you being on [the Brainiacs], but Brittany?”).

Tack on allthe instances when he responds to Brittany’s comments during rehearsals (andeven her later “cries for help” during S4) with bafflement at best and disdainat worst, plus the way he clearly talks down to her as if she were a youngchild rather than a teenager, and there’s no question that he thinks she’s adolt.

And he’s notthe only member of the WMHS faculty who feels that way, either.

SueSylvester is likewise a serial offender when it comes to calling Brittany dumband infantilizing her. Ditto for Hagberg and Figgins. Though we don’t get tosee Brittany interacting with many other members of the staff aside fromSheldon Beiste, Holly Holliday, and Shelby Corcoran—the last two of whom areonly at the school briefly—it stands to reason that there are other teacherswho share the same negative attitude toward her that the featured teachers do.

At onepoint, Brittany even says that her teachers have told her that her grades mightactually improve if she were to slough her classes.

Brittany’s“stupidity” is widely viewed as a given.

Time andtime again, the show depicts people taking her intelligence for granted andassuming the worst of her capabilities. Such attitudes undoubtedly influencethe way that her teachers approach educating her. If a smart kid like Quinn orArtie isn’t grasping a concept, then teachers will try changing their pedagogyup, teaching the lesson in a different, more effective way. The same is trueeven for an average student like Mercedes. If she’s struggling, a teacher’simpulse will be to show her patience because there’s a good chance thateventually (with some hard work and extra credit) she’ll get it. But not so with Brittany, whom most teachers seem to viewas an idiot. Why slow down a class for her? Why assign different readings? Whytutor her after school? Their assumption is that she is a lost cause.

Sue potentiallydoctoring her grades—and those of the other Cheerios—also exacerbates theproblem.

Thoseteachers who are aware of Sue’s meddling, and especially the ones who have beenbullied by her into being complicit, may feel a lessened sense of obligation toreally teach Brittany or attempt to accurately evaluate her learning because,after all, no matter how Brittany performs, she’s going to be handed a passinggrade in their classes anyway.

Conversely,those teachers who remain unaware of Sue’s meddling may believe that givingBrittany a failing grade will result in meaningful academic consequences forher, which will then lead to her getting the help and attention she needsvis-à-vis the systems that are in place to prevent kids from “falling throughthe cracks.”

Of course,because Sue changes Brittany’s grades after the fact, Brittany never receivesany such help.

The systemsdon’t attend to her. Nothing in her file gets flagged. No one pulls her aside.She just gets passed along from year to year and class to class without anyoneever really taking an interest in her learning.

Either way,she’s left ill-equipped to succeed in high school.

On top ofeverything else, Brittany may also have an undiagnosed learning disability,such as ADHD or ASD. Though of course the show never states that she does havea disability (undiagnosed or not), some neurodivergent fans see in Brittany a kindred spirit whose experiences inthe public school system resemble their own.

It’sdefinitely possible that she could benefit from some accommodations.

But as faras we know, they’re never offered to her—not only because, as we learn from Sueregarding Becky Jackson, WMHS doesn’t offer special education classes, but alsobecause everyone thinks that she’s just “Brittany being Brittany,” and she’s a hopelesscase from the get-go.

So howeversmart Brittany may naturally be, she’s got alot stacked against her at WMHS, including antagonistic teachers, theabysmally low expectations people set for her, Sue’s interference with hergrades (and then the sudden cessation of that interference), her non-normativelearning strategies, and other possible factors.

Add in thatduring her senior year, she’s also dealing with some extra pressures outside ofthe classroom, and what we have is a recipe for a disaster.

Note: Ofcourse, the show deprives us of hearing Brittany talk about the aftermath ofSantana’s outing, suspension, and disowning in her own words, but HeatherMorris’s nonverbal cues show that Brittany’s upset during this period is hardfelt. It’s a stressful time in Brittany’s life, and even after the initialwounds have healed somewhat, Brittany still devotes much of mental andemotional energy to trying to ameliorate the situation, to keep Santana in agood place, to help her smile, and carry on. That’s not to say that Brittana’srelationship or Brittany’s efforts to make Santana happy cause Brittany to failher classes. It’s just to say that Brittany’s senior year is one in which shehas a lot on her mind beyond the regular cares of just being a teenager.

Thesituation as it is, it’s perhaps unsurprising that she should struggle.

However, thequestion still remains: Why doesn’t she ask for help?

No one, includingher parents, teachers, or girlfriend, seems to notice she’s academicallydrowning until it’s too late. But just because they don’t notice on their owndoesn’t mean that Brittany can’t alert them to the situation, right? So whydoesn’t she turn to Mr. Schue and say, “I need some extra help on my historyhomework,” or confide in her parents that she’s just bombed another Englishexam, or ask Santana if they can perhaps study for chemistry class together?Wouldn’t it be in her best interest to do so? Shouldn’t she want to graduate sothat she can get on with her life (and follow Santana)? Why not just reach outto someone?

Easier saidthan done.

Brittany hasspent her whole life being disparaged for “not being smart enough.” Is shereally going to admit she’s struggling to many of the same people who are activelycontributing to her struggles?

Sure,ostensibly, Mr. Schue is her teacher, and he’s supposedly an advocate for her.But can she really turn to someone who has routinely made her feel like anidiot and confess to him that she’s not understanding her classes—andespecially when she’s fully aware that, even if she were to ask him for help,he is probably not the best person to offer it, considering that he’s not actuallya qualified teacher?

The samegoes for Sue, who habitually preys upon Brittany’s vulnerabilities and has beenknown to blackmail students whenever she has any sort of leverage over them.Brittany would have to be an even bigger fool than the one people take her forin order to ask a favor of a megalomaniac of Sue’s caliber.

If Brittanywere to turn to her, the best case scenario would be that she would once againresort to doctoring Brittany’s report card—which is not necessarily an outcomethat Brittany wants. The worst case scenario would be that she would find someway to make Brittany’s life hell for having even approached her.

Brittany has to wonder: Is there any good that could come of prompting Sue totake action if she hasn’t already done so (unprompted) yet?

Not evenEmma is a safe bet, considering that she seems completely oblivious toBrittany’s plight, even though it is literally her job to be on top of it.

She doesn’t pushWill to include Brittany in his Saturday Night Fever competition alongsideFinn, Mercedes, and Santana (see episode 3x16). She isn’t present to participatein the “come to Jesus” meeting Figgins calls Brittany in for before the prom (seeepisode 3x19). Nowhere along the line does she show any concern for Brittany’sGPA, even though she has access to Brittany’s records and presumably has aprofessional imperative to counsel with her concerning her future.

If she can’tbe assed to take an interest in Brittany’s academic struggles even though she’sbeing paid to do so, then Brittany’s not going to beg her to get involved.

Her inactionhas already sent the message loud and clear: Brittany is on her own.

As for whyBrittany doesn’t turn to her parents or Santana for help, things arecomplicated on that side, too.

Since wedon’t know much about Brittany’s relationship with her parents aside from thelittle we see of it in S6, it’s difficult to say why she doesn’t approach themfor help. Maybe she fears disappointing them. Maybe she feels that they won’tunderstand why she’s failing. (They might assume she’s being lazy or goofingoff rather than facing legitimate roadblocks to her learning.) Possibly,they’re dealing with some kind of crisis of their own at the same time thatBrittany realizes that she’s failing, so she doesn’t want to “bother them” withwhat she’s going through. Perhaps she does approach them but they either can’t or won’t helpher.

There’s alsothe possibility that Brittany is reluctant to involve her parents in her issuesbecause she fears the consequences if they find out that Sue has been doctoringher grades for years. How can she explain to them why she’s gone from having apassing (and perhaps even impressive) GPA in years past to having a failing(and even abominable) GPA this year? She’d have to admit that Sue’s been fudgingher report cards to preserve her academic eligibility—and doing so might resultin her parents asking her questions that she doesn’t want to answer.

Either shewould have to say that she had gone along with Sue’s meddling (even though sheknew what Sue was doing was wrong) OR she would have to admit that Sue hasbasically been abusing and blackmailing her and the other Cheerios, making herscared to come forward about the academic dishonesty. The first option oversimplifiesthe situation. The second option is the truth but one that’s probably difficultfor her to cop to.

In any case,for whatever reason, Brittany either doesn’t bring her problems to her parents’attention or she does but they can’t (or won’t) help her.

WithSantana, things are different.

Brittanyknows that if she approaches Santana with her problem, Santana will not onlycare but also understand all of the extenuating circumstances. Santana knowsabout the Sue stuff. She also sees how teachers and other staff members tend toreact to Brittany. She’s fully aware of the injustice. She’s also fully awarethat Brittany’s genius is misunderstood—that Brittany is smart, though her smarts don’t necessarily translate to hertopping the Honor Roll every semester. Santana has the full view of thesituation, and there’s no question that she’d be sympathetic to Brittany’sissues and do everything in her power to get Brittany help, if Brittany justsaid the word.

The troubleis that Brittany doesn’t want to say the word—not when Santana has been dealingwith her own troubles, which, on the whole, from Brittany’s perspective, seem so much bigger and moreagonizing than Brittany’s own.

Brittanycan’t bring herself to interject, “Um, excuse me, Santana, but can we take a break fromdealing with you being outed the entire state of Ohio, suspended from school,disowned by your grandmother, and homophobically bullied so that we can talkabout my algebra test?;” not when she knows that if she points out that she isfailing, Santana will pump the brakes on her own plans and ambitions in orderto stand by her side.

She doesn’twant to hold Santana back when Santana is on her way out of their stifling, gay-bashingtown, onto bigger and better things. She doesn’t want to drag Santana herpersonal turmoil, not when Santana is just finally getting clear from theturmoil in her own.

—andespecially not when Brittany views her own failure as inevitable.

Yeah, shecould tell Santana, and, yeah, Santana would try to move heaven and earth tohelp her. But in the end, there’d be nothing Santana could do. Brittany wouldstill fail, not due to any lagging efforts on Santana’s part, but becauseBrittany has never been able to succeed in school no matter how hard she tried,because the whole system is rigged against her and always has been. No matterhow much effort Brittany expends to show people she’s got a fine brain in herhead—by winning a quiz bowl championship, writing for the school newspaper,becoming class president, dishing out wise advice, etc.—no one except for Santanahas ever been willing to give her a chance. They always see her as an imbecileor a child. Even Santana can’t change the status quo. So why drag her into it?

InBrittany’s view, it’s better for her to help Santana pursue her dreams outsideof Lima than to do anything that might cause her to turn back or slow down.

ThoughBrittany often projects confidence, the truth is that just like the other twomembers of the Unholy Trinity, she has some serious and deep-seated self-esteemissues. After so many years of people calling her an idiot and treating herlike a child, part of her wonders if they aren’t perhaps right (see her speech in episode 4x22).

While shedoesn’t want to believe what the haters are saying, she also can’t help butfeel that maybe she is destined for Lima Loserdom. If so, then the last thingshe wants to do is drag Santana down with her—hence why she doesn’t mention herfailure to graduate until she’s sure that Santana leaving town and going toLouisville is already a done deal.

Is refusingto seek help from anyone a wise choice on Brittany’s part? No.

But havingdifficulty asking for help is a character flaw she comes by naturally. That agirl who’s been told “no” her whole life would be scared to ask anyone to takea chance on her and say “yes” makes sense. The behavior pattern is a consistentone that she displays throughout the show, such as, for example, in S4, whenshe stages not one but two separate public meltdowns in situations where sheneeds help but doesn’t know how to ask for it (see episodes 4x02 and 4x22).

Note: Thefact that Brittany actually brings herself to ask Santana if they can seekadult help regarding their relationship troubles in episode 2x15 shows just howmuch the issue means to her. Normally, Brittany would never suggest seekingoutside counsel, but in that case she wants so badly to set things to rightsbetween her and Santana that she petitions Santana to approach Holly Holliday.Her love for Santana outweighs her fear of making herself vulnerable.

Brittanydoes want to graduate high school. She does want to be with Santana andcontinue their relationship. She wants to escape Lima. She wants to prove thenaysayers wrong. She wants to start a new life somewhere where she’s notnegatively stereotyped and looked down on by everyone. She wants to livehappily ever after with the woman she loves. She wants all of these thingsdesperately, more than anyone really knows.

But she alsodoesn’t know how to get what she wants.

She feelsboxed in and like her situation is hopeless.

So she justtailspins until she crashes.

—and thetruly tragic thing is that nobody notices what’s happening with her until it’stoo late, either because they remain oblivious (like Santana) or because theyare apathetic (like Brittany’s teachers, coaches, and guidance counselors).

Per usual,Glee tried to play the situation for laughs, but there’s really nothing allthat funny about Brittany’s academic failures at all.

Like manystudent athletes, Brittany is a kid whose physical abilities have been valuedover her learning. As long as she’s helping the Cheerios to winchampionships—and make no mistake, like Quinn and Santana, Brittany is one ofSue’s superstars, whose dance and choreography talents are one of the main advantagesthat make the squad elite—then nobody cares if she struggles in her classes.It’s all about what she can do for the school and not what the school can dofor her.

Of course,in Brittany’s case, there’s even an added element of administrative apathy atplay beyond the usual “Just pass the girl so she’s competition eligible” bit.

Because ofthe way she thinks and acts, her teachers assume that she incapable of and/ordisinterested in learning. They allow their annoyance and exasperation with herto supersede whatever obligation they might feel to provide her with a realeducation.

The sad reality is that no one’s going to go out of theirway to teach a girl that they consider a) a nuisance to have in class; b)incapable of learning; and c) someone for whom grades don’t really matteranyhow, given that she’s one of the moving parts in Sue Sylvester’schampionship cheerleading machine.

So that’show Brittany makes it through grades nine, ten, and eleven: By being passedfrom hand to hand, with the faculty and administration turning a blind eye towhat’s happening because, ultimately, no one really cares about her educationanyway.

But thenBrittany enters grade twelve, and for whatever reason this system suddenlyfalls apart. Though she has previously made passing grades—some of themostensibly without Sue’s “help”—the coursework in her senior year gets thebetter of her.

Maybe thetwelfth grade material proves substantially more difficult than the eleventhgrade material. Maybe years of inadequate learning finally catch up to her. (Ifone never masters the basics of a given subject, then one can’t very wellnavigate more advanced material, after all.) Maybe the stress in her family andsocial life so distracts her from her schoolwork that she is no longer able to juggle it all, and she ends up dropping the academic ball. Maybe herteachers finally have enough of her antics and decide to grade her punitively. Maybea confluence of issues affects her.

Whatever thecase, she fails.

That no onein the WMHS administration takes an interest in her case is a tragedy. Thatshe doesn’t feel safe enough to ask any of her teachers or coaches for help isutterly heartbreaking. Particularly when we compare her story to Puck��s, thenumerous ways in which the system has failed her become painfully apparent.

No childshould flunk out of school because her teachers find her annoying.

—andespecially not when she is willing to learn, if only given the chance.

Throughouther time at WMHS, we frequently see Brittany taking notes in her classes andvolunteering answers during lectures, incorrect though some of those answerscertainly are. She isn’t a girl who sleeps through her schooldays or cutsclasses or goofs off. She’s trying her best. And as the way she really comesinto her own after she leaves WMHS proves, she isvery much capable of learning, albeit at her own pace and in her own way.

Imagine howvery different Brittany’s story could have been if even one teacher had realizedher potential—or had even just given her a chance of any kind.

Not onlywould it perhaps have been possible for her to graduate with the rest of herclass, but her genius could have been recognized sooner. The entire course of her life could have been changed for the better.

As thingsare, Brittany eventually succeeds inspite of her experiences in the education system, not because of them.

Hers remainsa sobering story.

Anyway.

Then, toanswer your second question:

No, I don’tthink Brittany drops the “—if it were, Santana and I would be dating” line onpurpose. I honestly think it’s a slip on her part.

Here’s thething:

ThoughBrittana don’t get a lot of foreground development during S1, they do have asubtle subtextual, “in the background” storyline that centers on the tension between howSantana thinks they need to be versus how they really are.

Whilethey’re both truly happiest when they’re monogamous with each other, Santanacontinually insists that they maintain publicly visible sexual relationshipswith popular boys at the same time that they’re sleeping with each other—youknow, to project at least the illusion of “straightness.”

However,despite her interest in appearing “heterosexual,” Santana is never able to keepup her sexual relationships with boys for long. Puck inevitably cheats on her.Finn inevitably turns back to Rachel. She invariably ends up back in amonogamous sexual relationship with Brittany, who is more than happy with thearrangement, given that she and Santana are actually in love. The cycle repeatsitself ad nauseum, until eventually, between episodes 1x10 and 1x13, Santanaand Brittany fall into a prolonged period of exclusivity with eachother.

During thistime, they’re sleeping together, plus doing all of their regular “best friend”things—you know, like sharing meals and going out to movies and sittingtogether in the back of the class and writing each other cute notes andcuddling and linking pinkies and generally being, you know, GIRLFRIENDS—whichis why Brittany feels confused about the status of their relationship.

Santana hastold over and over again that just because you’re having sex with someonedoesn’t mean you’re also dating them.

But she andSantana aren’t just having sex. They’re also doing all sorts of relationship-ystuff. Plus, you know, they’re in love with each other.

So doesn’tthat mean that they’re dating?

That’s thequestion that’s in Brittany’s mind going into the infamous party line scene inepisode 1x13.

To quoteextensively from thispost:

During S1,Santana feels secure in her arrangements with Brittany as long as she maintainsa sexual relationship with Puck and he brags about it around school. As long aseveryone knows that Santana has sex with a hot boy and “likes it,” then Santanafeels safe to also have sex with Brittany, per her own druthers. Even afterSantana and Puck officially break up circa episode 1x03, things are cool becausethey still keep having sex and Puck keeps broadcasting the fact that they do totheir peers.

But then circa episode 1x10, somethingshifts.

Though Puck and Santana continue to haveintermittent sex, Puck ceases to boast of their encounters starting around episode1x10, when he begins to woo Quinn in earnest, trying to prove his worthiness asa father and partner to her.

When Puck ceases to brag, Santana getsnervous and feels as if he has rejected her. Is she doing something wrong?Doesn’t he like it anymore? Does he know her secret?

In episode 1x11, Santana sexts Puck in adesperate attempt to rekindle his interest in her, but her efforts don’t panout. Pucktana likely stop sleeping together between episodes 1x11 and 1x13,and, when they do, it likely causes Santana to fear immensely for herreputation.

Ironically, though the thing Santana mostfears in losing Puck as her beard is that people will find out the truth abouther relationship with Brittany, Santana can’t help but run to Brittany when shefeels Puck’s attentions waning. She panics her way right into Brittany’s bed,seeking the approval, affection, acceptance, and validation there that shedoesn’t get from Puck. In so doing, she probably reveals some emotionalvulnerability or even neediness to Brittany.

Considering that Brittany is in love withher, it’s hard for Brittany not to read significance into her actions and thinkthat they signal something big.

Hint: They do.

Brittany starts thinking more and moreabout what’s going on between her and Santana. Since Santana isn’t dating Puckanymore, maybe Santana could date Brittany instead.

It’s because Brittany has the idea ofdating Santana in her mind—and heart—that she blurts it out to the group in1x13.

“Sex isn’t dating.”

“—if it were, Santana and I would bedating.”

It’s Brittany voicing what’s in her heartbefore she can really stop herself.

That she has no premeditated intention ofouting herself and Santana is clear from the look on her face the second thewords leave her mouth and she realizes what she’s just said. She spoke what wasmeant to be a private thought aloud, and she’s scared to death about what theconsequences might be now that she has. She immediately glances to Santana,gauging her reaction, wondering how badly she’s just fucked up theirrelationship. Though the conversation quickly moves on from that point, herheartbeat most likely doesn’t resume a normal pace for minutes afterward.

Anyway, I’ve jabbered for a good, ol’long while now.

Thanks for the questions!

#Crazy Brittanalyst Answers #savealtonrichards #Brittanalyzing #It's been a while kids #I just want queue

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thoughtsafter8 · 6 years ago

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Mental Health Awareness

Isn’t May Mental Health Awareness month? I think it is. I’m too lazy to google it. Unfortunately for me, mental health month is every month because *surprise* I suffer from several mental illnesses. I don’t really like to talk about the true depths of these illnesses, however, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to hide the grittiest details of my poor brain. Just a couple weeks ago I had to leave work because I began to suffer a panic attack induced by exhaustion, dehydration, and a med imbalance that had happened because I did that fun depression thing where I feel good for a minute, so I think I don’t need to follow up with my doctor. Anyway, I thought maybe it would help if I just, you know, put it all out there. Maybe some of you guys feel this way. Maybe I truly am the hot mess I think I am and should be snapped into the looney bin. Either way, I think it may take a load off.

So, again, a little about me (the abridged and most current version). I am a 34 (how in the hell?) year old infant teacher’s assistant, student of early childhood education and intervention, mom, and wife. My son has autism and adhd, my husband has had 3 heart attacks in three years, and my daughter is currently treading the waters of gender/sexuality while coming to terms with her own autistic tendencies and the fact that she is a teenager. I decided at the age of 32 to go to college on a wing and a prayer directly after my husband’s first heart attack and suffering the trauma of losing the home we had lived and raised our family in for 10 years. We were, for a short time, homeless. We currently live in public housing and I couldn’t be more grateful in that regard.

Fortunately, our financial situation began to line out earlier this year as my husband’s long-awaited disability hearing was approved. Nearly 3 years of counting pennies, skipping meals, and taking hand outs later I could go to bed without worrying whether I could stretch those 3 chicken breasts in the fridge across 4 days and dreading the summers because I could not fathom how we were going to feed the kids without the help of their school meals. This was a grand old time for my depression because on top of all the worry and the guilt I had the aforementioned responsibility of working my very first job and pinning down 5 classes each through those first few semesters. And that sort of sets the stage for where we are now.

Below I will discuss my diagnoses individually. Yes, they are separate and yes, they are all interwoven. It’s all complicated to discuss and explain, but I’ll do my best.

Clinical Depression: While I only got this diagnosis about 8 years ago, I am certain that I have suffered from depression my entire life. I’ve had life long self esteem and inferiority issues and difficulty with concentration, focus, and relationships, specifically friendships. I’ve maintained thoughts of unworthiness, worthlessness, and guilt, as if I am a burden on those around me. That I cry too much or am too sensitive. I am quite sensitive. A close friend once told me that I am an empath, but that wasn’t a bad thing. Sometimes I do think it’s a bad thing. I’m hard on myself and will judge myself worse and before anyone else. This is specifically hard to deal with within my family as I have had to take the mantle of advocate for everyone. I’ve spoken at length of the struggles I face getting help for my kids and my husband, trudging through IEP meetings, and calling out people who use words like “retard” and “fag”. I have been forced so far out of my comfort zone that if I allow the depression even the slightest crack it will flood in. I’ve gotten better at this fight, but I still lose sometimes.

Anxiety: This one hasn’t been with me as long as the depression but started once we began to realize something was up with Gunner. Instead of fully recovering from trauma and moving on I love to internalize it. I think I put on a good face most of the time, but it has gotten so bad that even now, with everything that we have gotten through and managed to come out the other side, I do not trust it. I wake every day, not with a smile, but with a suspicion that today will be the day that everything I’ve worked for will come crashing down. My husband will fall sick again, something will happen to one of the kids at school, I’ll lose my job, have a car wreck on the way there, get a phone call that a loved one died or is sick. This sometimes manifests in OCD type behaviors. For example, I wake several times a night to make sure each member of my family is breathing. I have to see their chests rise and fall at least 5 times. I never let my kids wake Jeremy or come in to the house first after outings because I don’t want them to be the ones who find Jeremy dead. I worry. I worry so, so much. Sometimes I spiral and bite my nails until they bleed. For many years I suffered from dermatilomania, a body focused repetitive behavior aligned with self-harm where you basically pick at your skin or scabs to relieve internal tensions. This should be in a category of its own, but as I currently am not suffering from derma, I’ll let it go.

Imposter Syndrome: This is the newest one. And while it is not an actual diagnosis, I had no clue that there was even a word for the feelings that I began having once I started achieving personal successes. I am killing it at school and will graduate soon with an associate degree and 3 state certifications in early childcare and direction. Soon after I’ll begin pursuing a bachelor’s and managed to score a job in my desired field after just one semester in the program at a highly sought-after day care in my area. These are all good things! Amazing accomplishments some one like me should be proud of and own. It’s not that easy though. I’ve touched on this in a previous post, I think. It’s just so hard to see myself as a productive, professional type person. I bounce between feeling as if I don’t deserve my success and feeling crushing guilt at pursuing something that takes so much of my time away from my family, who still very much need me around. I am aware that a lot of people feel this way but combined with everything else I have going on upstairs, it makes it particularly difficult to overcome.

General Fear: Another not-actual-diagnosis, but something that goes hand in hand with the anxiety section of our tour is fear. Soul draining, insomnia inducing, heart breaking fear. Death is a biggy in this department. I fear for Jeremy, my mom, my grandma. Jeremy’s bad heart, my mom because, well, I don’t know what I would do without my mom, and my grandma because she is dealing with so many health issues. These three are the gates and cornerstone holding up my feeble mental fortress and if one of them is removed, everything will come down with them. I don’t really have any friends, so my family is supremely important and dear to me and I am constantly afraid of losing one of them. I also fear for my kids. The unending questions that come along with a kid/kids with special needs or circumstances. Will either of them ever be truly independent? Will Gunner be able to live alone, get a job, hold relationships, drive a car, get married? Will Daphne discover her truth? And in carrying that truth, will the world treat her with kindness? With her friends accept her decision? Am I prepared to deal with all this, god forbid, alone? The fear of doing *all this* by myself is maddening. I’ve never just been Brittany in my entire adult life. I’ve always been one half of a team. Surviving under different circumstances is something that, for over a decade, I never even contemplated. Now it’s every day life and that is terrifying.

With all this being said, and for those of you who don’t know me very well, this doesn’t mean that I’m sitting here hanging by a thread. I am still productive and love my school and work and family. This is all inside and as things have gotten harder to deal with I have come to the realization that I need the help of a professional. For several years I have relied on the help of different medications (currently I take Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Vistaril. You can research these if you want) but I think it’s the right time for me to seek additional help. As of today, the referral has been submitted and now we wait. I hope to keep things documented through this blog both as documentation and anecdotes to share and as a means of measuring progress (or lack there of) and I hope some of you might share the journey with me. Thanks for listening/reading 😊

#mental health #mental disorder #positive mental attitude #anxious #anxitey #imposter syndrome #face my fears #fear #autism momlife #mom #momlife #lgbtq #teacher #movingon #therapy #student #studentteaching #strong

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thesydneyfeminists · 6 years ago

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Feminist Travels: How to Travel More Ethically

I’ve traveled a fair bit over the course of my lifetime, especially over the last four years. In that time, I’ve spent three months backpacking Europe, a month roadtripping the east coast of the US, a month and a half exploring the Melbourne area, before finally planting tentative roots in Sydney for a year and a half. But then my life plans went astray, as they’re apt to do. Since February, I’ve been working and traveling New Zealand while I wait for a second visa back to Australia. It’s been an amazing and, at times, overwhelming experience. And it’s certainly not the life I imagined for myself. If you asked 16-year-old me, she never would have guessed she’d grow up to travel the world. I often get bemused or baffled looks when I try to explain to people how (and why) I do what I do. The truth is, most of the time I don’t know.

But, wherever life takes me, I keep circling back to how my various privileges shape the way I travel. My US passport is hugely beneficial, as is being white. I’m straight-passing (which, at times, is both a blessing and a curse). I don’t come from money, but my family is supportive and would take me back in a heartbeat if I ever needed it. And I don’t have any health issues that prevent me from traveling or require me to announce them to customs. It’s still less safe for single women to travel than single men, but it’s becoming much easier and more acceptable for women to travel alone. If you Google “feminist travel,” you’ll find a plethora of feminist travel blogs, all created with the intent of empowering women to see the world. This is great! But there is also a darker side to the recent travel phenomenon that we, as feminists, need to address more in-depth.

Image Description: A picture of a person with long hair standing on a metal walkway overlooking the tops of a vast mountain range. They are wearing a long sleeve shirt and long pants of indeterminant color and facing away from the camera. They are straddling the walkway and holding their arms spread up over their head like an angel. The mountains are shadowy and peak up over fluffy, white clouds, which are beneath the person and the walkway. The sky above the mountains is bright blue.

The travel lifestyle brand pushed by so many Instagram pages and blogs is often enormously unethical. For starters, not everyone can or will ever be able to travel. Of course, I want travel to eventually become accessible to everyone, but sadly there’s a long way to go before that happens. Additionally, not everyone wants to travel, and that’s perfectly okay too. Those who make sweeping claims about how traveling makes you a better person do so at the detriment of people who choose not to travel, for various reasons. And finally, travel can have lasting environmental and social/cultural/political effects on a place and its inhabitants. As one travel blogger writes, “we have a responsibility as travelers to be respectful to the people and culture in the foreign countries we visit. This means traveling humbly, respectfully, without cultural appropriation or mockery, and being aware of the historical dynamics your ethnicity bears” (https://capsulesuitcase.com/2017/03/08/how-feminism-shapes-the-way-i-travel/). As feminists, we should think critically about travel and the ways in which our feminisms shape and are shaped by our physical movements through the world.

Now, I’m not here to lecture anyone about the best and only way to travel (there isn’t one). I won’t try to convince you it’s absolutely necessary to stop traveling if you want to call yourself a true feminist. Obviously, I enjoy traveling and it’s a huge part of my life, so that would be a bit hypocritical. Instead, I want to think through some ways in which we can all be a little more “feminist” in our travels. This list is not definitive or all-encompassing. It’s meant more as a jumping-off point for further thought/ discussion. It stems from my personal experiences and conversations I’ve had with other travelers and non-travelers alike. Please feel free to add your own ideas in the comments!

Image Description: A photo of a large map of the United States spread out of on a white table. In the left-hand corner is the keyboard of a Mac computer with a mug of coffee sitting to the left of the keypad. Beneath the computer is a United States passport and a turquoise blue, plastic camera. In the top right-hand corner is another silver and black camera with a black strap. You can see the top of a person’s head in the bottom-center of the photo. They are wearing a black, broad-brimmed hat which hides their face and shoulders. They are also wearing a white sweatshirt, rolled up to their elbows, a black and gold watch on their right wrist and a silver ring on their right ring finger. Their right hand is pointing towards a place on the map near the Great Lakes. Next to their hand is a pair of light blue, leopard print sunglasses.

1. Don’t participate in Voluntourism: So, I very much support volunteering. I’m a volunteer here at the Sydney Feminists, so I know firsthand the importance of volunteer work. But voluntourism is something altogether different and very problematic. Everyday Feminism published a brilliant article on this very topic. Instead of attempting a poor summary, I’ll just link it here: https://everydayfeminism.com/2016/11/voluntourism-wont-fix-the-world/. I don’t mean to condemn you if you’ve ever done a trip like those mentioned in the article. No one is born the “perfect feminist,” and we all need to learn and unlearn as we grow. Reading up on voluntourism and the harm it brings to communities around the world is a good start!

2. Support local businesses: This point really boils down to the “keeping it local” mentality. Although there are ways to travel on a budget, all travel requires at least some monetary exchanges. Many people consider travel and tourism “healthy” for local economies for this exact reason. But the truth of the matter is, large, international corporations benefit the most from travel and tourism. More often than not, local economies don’t see much, if any, of the profits. So, next time you travel, forego the Hilton and book a local B&B. Or, better yet, stay and work for locals in exchange for food and accommodation. Websites like WWOOF and HelpX are popular ways of facilitating such exchanges. Skip Maccas and dine at small, independently owned restaurants (in most cities around the world, there are usually cheap food carts and such for even the most budget-friendly of travelers). Attend weekend farmer’s markets for an array of food, crafts and activities. And definitely make sure those souvenirs you buy to bring home are sourced from local artisans! Bonus points if you research businesses owned and operated by minorities (gender or otherwise).

3. Donate to local charities – but do your research first: Again, you don’t have to pour huge amounts of money into this step. I understand the need to pinch pennies when traveling. But even a donation of the cost of a cup of coffee can be helpful. It’s always important to research charities before donating, even in your own home. Some charities are just as corrupt as big businesses. But, if you can find good people doing important work on something you’re passionate about (say, women’s rights!), donations of time or money are great ways to say thank you to local communities for sharing their home.

4. Read books by locals: Okay, not just books! Read (or listen to) anything you can get your hands on by people who grew up/ lived in the place you’re traveling to. If you have the money to spare, you can purchase hard copies from a local bookstore. But there are plenty of free resources on the internet as well. Sometimes, local libraries will allow you to browse and read the items they have available, or else will have cheap books for sale. Reading in this way allows you to see a place through the eyes of the people who live there. It can give you a fresh perspective and is often a much more intimate experience than reading those mass-produced guidebooks you see in airports.

5. Familiarize yourself with local politics, and then listen to what locals have to say about them: As I mentioned above, traveling is always political. Therefore, it can be handy to have a basic understanding of the politics of a place before you travel there. No one is expecting you to become an expert overnight. But a few, initial Google searches will show people you care. Probably the most important part of this step, though, is listening to locals. I wouldn’t suggest immediately bombarding people with questions about politics the second you step off the plane (or train or bus). But if the topic comes up organically, be open to what people have to say. I’ve learned so much through conversations with locals about politics (both the government kind and the daily life kind). Willingness to communicate and actively engage with a place and its people will go a long way in leading a more feminist, traveling life.

Image Description: A photo of a hand holding a toy globe up in front of a green and grey mountain range. The hand and globe are in focus, while the background is slightly out of focus. You can only see the hand from the wrist up and its palm is facing the camera. On the globe, you can see all of Central and South America and some of North America and Africa.

By: Brittany L.

Sources:

https://feministglobetrotter.com/

https://worldforagirl.com/travel-and-feminism/

https://capsulesuitcase.com/2017/03/08/how-feminism-shapes-the-way-i-travel/

https://thevagabondfeminist.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/solo-female-travel-is-an-act-of-feminism/

https://passionpassport.com/feminism-travel-space/

https://everydayfeminism.com/2014/03/traveling-harassment-advice/

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of the Sydney Feminists. Our Blogger and Tumblr serve as platforms for a diverse array of women to put forth their ideas and explore topics. To learn more about the philosophy behind TSF’s Blogger/ Tumblr, please read our statement here: https://www.sydneyfeminists.org/a

#travel #travel life #travel liftestyle #traveling #women who travel #traveling women #feminist travel #feminist travels #feminist #feminism #intersectional feminism #intersectional feminist #intersectional #intersectionality #ethical travel #support local businesses #support women #support artists

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c-is-for-circinate · 6 years ago

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so what you're saying is you only like ace representation when autistic ace women are being thrown under the bus because our representation doesn't matter and our attempts to create our own representation (because if we don't we don't get any) are bad and ableist so we should just sit down, shut up, and be content with never seeing ourselves in fiction. got it. sorry we keep forgetting our place and being so fucking inconvenient with our wishing to be allowed to exist in stories.

Okay. Okay, we’re both going to take a deep breath and maybe get a cup of tea here and have this conversation–or at least I am. You can if you like. I suggest that you might want to, because you clearly seem to care a whole bunch what I have to say on this topic, for some reason, even though I’m nobody on the internet with all of 200 notes on a post that doesn’t even say the thing you seem to think it says. You care enough to be very upset in my inbox, so it seems like you might care enough to want to have this discussion.

Cool. I’ve got shit I’m putting off doing this afternoon. Let’s have this talk.

For starters: yup, I can see that you’re really angry. I get that. If somebody were telling me to sit down and shut up about representing myself in fiction, I’d be real angry, too. And yes, I can see how the thing you initially saw (which I’m assuming was this post, without any of the later additions to it) might sound that way to you, and I apologize.

Still not sure why the opinions of one random person on the internet are worth your time and your words and your rage on this level, though you do you–not that ‘somebody thinks I shouldn’t exist or see myself in fiction’ isn’t worth raging about, but this seems like a pretty small corner to have this anger-fit in. Like, you clearly know that many people DO believe the things you think I believe, all the time, every day. This wouldn’t have hit such a button if that weren’t the case. I would get really exhausted fighting this fight all the time, if I were you. Which I’m not.

Which begs the question: if I’m saying “let horrible shit go on the internet, life is too short to fight every battle,” then why am I taking the time to start this question with one very angry anon who might not even bother coming to my blog to see my response in the first place?

Well. For one, because I obviously hurt you, and that sucks. Whatever I meant to communicate, you read a thing that clearly hurt. As a decent human, it behooves me to acknowledge that if I can, and to try to address it if I can.

Also because I clearly hurt you by phrasing and explaining myself poorly, and that sucks in a whole different way. And maybe if we have this conversation here, other people WON’T have the same misunderstanding. That’d be pretty great.

(And also because life is so short, and the internet is so angry, and I am so tired all the time. Everyone is always so angry here, so cruel and so hurt and so furious. Maybe I can be a little bit kind. Maybe it will matter. Maybe somebody else on the internet will take a deep breath at their reflexive rage. It could happen.)

Alright, now, to the meat of your complaint: you believe I have said, “ace autistic women should not be represented in fiction, it’s ableist and bad.” You believe that this is a pretty shitty thing to think because ace autistic women actually exist in the actual world, and they/you would like some actual representation, or at least to be allowed to represent themselves.

That is a pretty shitty thing to think. It’s good that I don’t think it. It sucks that it sounded like I do. You might want to re-read the version of the original post that I linked above, with several additional comments on it. You might want to read this post, where I clarified my point of view. You might want to read it again.

Here’s what I actually think: in our culture of stories, especially in fandom and also in published media, romantic storylines are held up at the center of fiction all the time. Romance and romantic interest are used to create tension, to create character depth, to add complexity and interest and signal to readers ‘hey, over here, these characters are important, the story is here!’

And that’s fucked up. You already know that, if you’re on the internet looking for stories about ace representation. But it’s a fact.

Here’s the other thing I think: many authors, mostly in fandom and also sometimes in published media, use the idea of asexuality–not its reality, not its complexities, not the intricate intersections of asexuality and aromanticism, not anything true and real–use the idea of ‘oh, this character just isn’t interested in anyone ever’ as a way to sideline specific characters out of that romantic narrative.

The people fandom wants most of all to sideline out of its stories? Women.

(Yes, even in het fandoms. Maybe especially in het fandoms. The rage and hate against an ‘other woman’ is terrifying to behold.)

The people fandom wants even more than that to keep out of the spotlight and also particularly out of romantic storylines altogether? ND/autistic women.

Using asexuality as a way to keep autistic women (as a way to keep women, as a way to keep autistic people, as a way to keep anyone) out of a narrative is fucking bullshit. This I believe. This I absolutely believe. And it is shitty, shitty representation that is not worthy of the name. It is lazy and exploitative writing that uses ‘representation’ as an excuse not to actually explore or represent anyone at all.

I wrote that original post because of the overwhelming majority of the Persona 5 fandom, which downright screams about how Futaba Sakura (one of the most legit autistic characters I’ve ever seen in fiction that wasn’t specifically about ‘hey look at this autistic character’) can’t be shipped with anyone let alone the protag, she is the little sister and she doesn’t like to be touched anyway she probably just doesn’t want anyone. I wrote it because I just spent like a month devouring Voltron fic and you can’t find good poly-fic that isn’t ‘just the boys fucking each other’ for love or money–Pidge likes robots more than people and that means she’d never be attracted to or fall for anyone, at least if you need an excuse to keep her out of the group sex. I wrote it because Parker/Hardison/Eliot is the OT3 of all OT3′s. I wrote it because I was in Glee fandom for years and I fucking remember what fandom said about Brittany S. Pierce.

I would love to see more ace representation in fiction. I would love to see so much more fiction that centers ace characters, that explores the fact that asexuality is an identity rather than a lack of identity. That lets ace characters fill lead roles and doesn’t even make their sexuality an issue. Ace characters in romances. Ace characters with their own plotlines and intense character development who never want or need romances. And yes: that includes autistic or otherwise neurodivergent female asexual characters. Any one of the characters I just listed above, give me a story about them navigating their own sexuality or navigating their world, their most important non-sexual non-romantic relationships, their selves, and let them be as not-neurotypical as all hell. I will read it in a fucking instant.

You want to see you in fiction. I want to see you in fiction. What we’re getting ain’t it.

Take some deep breaths. Talk to a friend who knows you. Hug a dog/cat/person, if they’re available and hugging’s your thing. Maybe don’t scream at strangers on the internet. We’re on the same side.

#ace discourse is exhausting #all discourse is exhausting tbh #I'll have conversations about this if people want to actually discuss #but I think I'm real done defending or explaining things I've already explained #sigh #Anonymous

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goodthoughts001 · 2 years ago

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Chicago Fire Season 3 Episode 9 Recap: What the Truck?

Things for personal for some of our favorite firefighters on Chicago Fire Season 3 Episode 9. And not necessarily in a good way. If you are looking forward to translate this content, contact Translation Agencies UK

Called to the scene of a semi-truck accident, the tension between Dawson and Casey reached a boiling point after the former disobeyed an order by the latter.

This was the first time the couple has had trouble transitioning from their home life to the office life, as the lines have now started to blur. Was Dawson right? Did she save the day ? Yes.

But Casey can’t make it look as if he’s giving her special treatment. And she must show him the respect he deserves as her boss.

At least Dawson wanted to talk about the issue, however. She gets points for that move… and Casey gets the same points deducted for becoming so closed off.

Elsewhere, watch Chicago Fire online and see how the series teased us with the possibility of Mills and Dawson rekindling their romance. Or just their friendship? For Casey fans, let’s hope it’s the latter.

On the flip relationship side, Severide and Brittany shared many tender moments this week. The former isn’t like Casey. He can easily open up and discuss his feelings. With Brittany by his side, Severide finally visited the Academy headquarters and saw Shay’s bridge.

Perhaps he can now start to heal and move on?

Severide’s honesty prompted Brittany to share her own story, as she finally revealed she was behind the wheel during the car crash that killed her sister. Not exactly a shock, but still a nice scene between the couple.

Finally, Mills has things to worry about that don’t include romance of any kind. He recognized he’s being tailed by Mr. Lullo toward the end of the hour and finally grew as frightened as he ought to be about this situation.

Eva Mendes on First-Time Motherhood: It’s Exhausting!

For the first time since becoming a first-time mother, Eva Mendes is speaking out in depth about the experience.

The actress, who gave birth to a daughter named Esmeralda in mid-September, recently sat down with online publication The Violet Files and didn’t bring up the topic of her famous baby daddy, Ryan Gosling.

But Mendes did speak on the overall struggles of caring for a tiny person’s life at all times.

“I’m completely exhausted,” the star said, joking: “I thought my wild nights were over but these are some of the wildest nights I’ve ever had.”

Mendes said she is yet to hire a nanny because she believes “part of being a mother” is going through the “struggle of not being able to sleep and not knowing what I’m doing and really going through it with her and battling out those nights.”

Fans, meanwhile, have been wondering for awhile about the origin of Esmeralda. How did Mendes and Gosling arrive at that name?

“We both love the Esmeralda character from the Victor Hugo novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame and just think it’s a beautiful name,” explained. “Her middle is Amada, which was my grandmother’s name. It means ‘beloved’ in Spanish.”

That’s beautiful.

Aside from now acting as a parent, Mendes said she has starting to think like one.

“I consider how my own actions now will seem to her later on,” she said. “For instance, with the Violet Grey photo shoot, I thought, ‘Is this something that she’s going to be proud of?’ The idea that I would ever embarrass her is really heartbreaking for me.”

Why do we doubt that Kim Kardashian ever thought in such a way?

Did you like Internet Reacts in Horror to #GoslingBaby? If so, please share:Get more content like this delivered to your inbox for FREE:

As you can tell, Mendes is having a somewhat difficult time adjusting to her new, vital role.

But she knows it’s nothing compared to what her child is going through.

“I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby,” she quipped. “Everything is a struggle for her. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ‘90s and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview. Motherhood is cake compared to what it’s like to be a baby.”

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spaceorphan18 · 7 years ago

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TDB Rewatch: I Am Unicorn

Maybe it’s my mood, maybe it’s the fact that episode 2 is usually not good, but it’s only episode 2 and I’m already wanting to throw things at the TV. And this is one of the better episodes of season 3!! God!!

Thoughts:

Burt Hummel, Mike Chang’s dancing, and Kurt and Blaine singing are the only things about this episode that are worth it. The rest of it can go screw itself.

Starting with the Kurt narrative -- I’ve documented a lot of it in my meta. The thing that stuck out to me this time, though, was the fact that there’s a lot of openings for queer stories here. The whole political aspect, the passing aspect, the relationships of Kurt, Blaine, Brittany, and Santana -- and the various differences that each of them bring, and discussions about how they relate to society. There are some interesting conversation starters here -- it’s a shame that they aren’t developed or go anywhere -- but this is season 3, not season 5. :/

I actually do like the Brittany and Kurt stuff in this episode, and I do think they bring some interesting and fun things to the screen, and I’ve always enjoyed their dynamic. I now kinda wish they had run together instead of against each other. There’s an interesting story there, and how fun would it have been to see, like, Santana and Blaine, who were helping, have opposing ideas on how the campaign should have gone. I mean -- AU fanfic time.

Also - Bulging Pink Fun Sack

The Tony auditions. Ug. I know @ckerouac, @47mel47 and I go in depth on TDB Podcast - so check it out, I really remember this conversation, lol. But the whole thing is frustrating on multiple levels.

I’m really not here for this season’s entire arc of let’s shit on Kurt Hummel cause we can.

Also - go watch I’m The Greatest Star again. Toothpick arms, my ass. He did make that song his prison bitch

Something’s Coming is nice, too - but, this might sound weird, and I believe it’s because I’ve watched Darren grow as a musician in the last seven years, I think this is weaker than I remember it. (The acting is on point though)

Junior Blaine. I just can’t even... I do understand why you guys were all pissed way back when.

Beiste, Emma, and Artie are the worst. I really wish they didn’t need to bend characterizations to fit plot points.

Meanwhile...

You know what drives me crazy about Booty Camp? There’s an entire scene dedicated to helping Finn get better - and everyone cheers, and Will spends a ton of time trying to make sure he’s doing okay. In the next episode, however, Mercedes struggles - and all she gets is a lecture about how lazy she is. That’s Mercedes’s plot line in this batch of episodes. She’s too lazy. I’m already done with this and it’s barely started.

Mike Chang’s dancing though - they’re kind of setting up for Asian F. It’s truly a thing of beauty here, though. I’d rather watch 20 minutes of this than the rest of the crap in this episode.

I don’t really care about Sue’s run for congress. It’s stupid. But it’s such a background thing in this episode, I can ignore it pretty easily.

Finchel has one - ONE - scene in this episode, and I already want to throw things at them. Finn wants a life in Lima. Rachel wants New York. Get ready kids, we’re gonna spend the next 20 episodes rehashing the same issue.

I love Burt Hummel - not just because of his advice to Kurt, but also because he told Finchel to stop making out. Why is it that Burt is the only real adult on this show?

Shelby. I just cannot even begin with how much I hate everything connected to her return. Do I really want to get into it all? I’ll keep it short. I’ll also say - none of this is Idina Menzel’s fault. She does what she can - but it feels like even she isn’t sold on these plot lines.

And I do judge Shelby a bit for coming back and disrupting all of these young people’s lives because she doesn’t have her own shit figured out. I mean seriously.

I do find it a shame - as @ckerouac mentioned on the podcast, that she wasn’t there to direct the musical. I wonder if the writers even thought of that...

Okay, let’s see...

The beginning of the Treble Tones stuff is -- eh. I’ve never really liked it, but it’s the least offensive thing going on with Shelby, even if it’s RIDICULOUS that Will can never get enough people for his show choir, but they can hire in another music director. I just won’t...

Shelby and Rachel - They’re going to mostly ignore that they’re mother and daughter, so I’ll ignore my issues with it, too.

Shelby and Puck -- Look, between the stuff with Mark Salling, and the stuff with my own family, I’m not going to talk about this plot line. It’s not that bad here, but am not here for teacher/student plot lines, I kind of hate it and think it’s one of the dumbest things Glee decided to do.

Everything about Quinn is a hot fucking mess. I’m sorry she has utterly no one in her life, nor any direction either. But I’m not sorry Will gave her a huge dose of reality, either. One of the very few times I agree with him.

Anyway... Be your own unicorn, guys!

#tdb rewatch

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tsgaustintexas · 5 years ago

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Friendsgiving with The Austin Artisan & S’more Volume 7 Members

Last weekend we kicked off the holiday season right with The Austin Artisan by hosting a Friendsgiving dinner party that we’ll remember for years to come. We tapped our amazing local businesses featured in Volume 7 and the results speak for themselves - the evening was effortless and beyond beautiful, if we do say so ourselves!

Photography by Shelby Bella

Chef + Owner of The Austin Artisan, Michael Wards & TSG Austin Editor + Owner, Leigh Ann Kalman

The Main Event

The night would not have happened without The Austin Artisan. From his initial planning to the flawless execution of a four-course meal, Chef Michael Wards made planning and prepping for our large group seamless. Prior to our event, The Austin Artisan team came out to my house to discuss the menu and to conduct a kitchen walk-thru to ensure a smooth night. Hours before guests were to arrive, he & his team swooped in and turned my kitchen into a true chef’s kitchen. They brought all of their own pots & pans, knives & supplies and at the end of the night, they left it cleaner than they found it. The sweetest servers - Brittany and Seti - helped put the finishing touches on our tablescape, from folding napkins to placing menus, silverware + more.

To say my guests were shocked to see me sipping champagne (with dried and styled hair, no less) would be an understatement. Without the help of The Austin Artisan, I’m usually tornado-ing around the house, lighting candles, prepping cocktails and trying to finish my makeup. It’s not a pretty sight...

The perfect backyard setting

Our backyard has been a 4-year process that we’ve done in phases and the project has finally been completed and we are over the moon about it. We’ve had some amazing people help us turn it into the ideal hosting destination, but by far - the biggest transformation was installing LawnPop Artifical Turf. We are obsessed. Like, yell it from the mountaintops obsessed. Owner, Tanner Shepard, and his team are truly the best in the business and every single person that steps foot in our backyard asks A) do we love it (duh!) and B) if it’s a good idea for dogs (100%!). We’ll be sharing more on that transformation soon - but in the meantime, reach out and get a quote. You will not be disappointed.

photographic evidence that I was ready to go *before* my guests arrived!

The tabletop collaboration of my dreams

Premiere Events’ rentals anchored the decor with a really fun black & white gingham tablecloth, which I paired with black chivari chairs & some super luxe velvet napkins. I added in some gold flatware & smoke-colored glassware, but kept the rest of the details clean and simple with these plates, bowls and wine glasses.

Paper Place did the most amazing job with the menus. Wherever Suzy Ranney (Owner of Paper Place) leads us, I follow. They are always so spot on and this project was no exception. I originally thought I wanted separate place cards, but they suggested incorporating the name card into the menu - genius! It looked so sweet and it was the perfect detail to make my guests feel special. Oh, and the raw edge detail on the menus was such an elegant look. As a special little treat, we included a recipe from Chef Wards on the backside of the menu (for his most delicious turnip gratin). Everyone was beyond impressed!

Photo by TSG Austin

Gracious Garlands’ 10’ft spregeri thread did an amazing job of tying the table together and making the design feel fuller. When it was just the black, white & orange, I was starting to second guess my vision. The greenery added some depth and all of the Halloween vibes instantly disappeared. We also had two matching wreaths hanging on our patio doors to tie it all together. The garlands arrived on Thursday, packaged perfectly and with a little fluffing - they were ready to go! Per Owner, Elle Worsham’s advice, we added in loads of candles and it was instant ambiance!

House of Margot Blair made the most fabulous ‘voluptuous minis’ - the biggest of her Margot Mini arrangements. Owner & Creative Director, Carly Blair, created the most beautiful fall floral arrangement that perfectly tied our festive table together. Pro Tip: She told me to place the arrangements facing opposite directions to show off all the different angles! It’s been almost a week and those beauties are still thriving and they make me smile every time I walk past them. She has some fun holiday happenings up her sleeve - including a workshop on the horizon (tomorrow!) and a special sale planned for Black Friday (subscribers only). Be sure to sign-up for her newsletter to stay in the know.

A menu fit for foodies

There were three savory courses and it just got better and better. Everyone was blown away by the presentation, flavors and service. I truly can’t say enough good things about Chef Wards and his team!

Hors d’oeurves

Red Snapper Crudo. Puffed Red Quinoa. Fresno Chile. Chile Oil. Tiger Milk. Citrus.

Short Rib Tostada. Black Garlic Aioli. KimChi Slaw. Petite Celery.

Brown Butter. Sourdough Crouton. Aged Cheddar. House-Made Fig Preserves. Pistachio Crumble.

Course One

Cauliflower Bisque. Sunchoke Chips.

Garlic & Rosemary Oil. Cracker. Olive Varietals & Petite Herbs

Course Two

Carbonara with Fresh Linguine. Guanciale Lardons. 68° Egg.

Parmigiano Reggiano & Black Pepper

Course Three

Seared Petite Filet. Radish. Turnip Gratin. Field Greens. Cabernet Demi-Glace

Course Four

Gourmet s’mores from Fluff Meringues & More around the campfire

Speaking of course four, Fluff Meringues & More ended the meal with a bang! Owner, Kristin Collins, has created the most indulgent and gourmet s’mores. If you’re dining in, you can roast your mallows over a small flame at your table. Or if you’re taking them to go, you can grab these over-the-top cute s’mores kits. We had a platter of homemade graham crackers and an assortment of dark + milk chocolate - which fun fact: they are melted down to size to guarantee the perfect ratios for each and every bite. The ‘mallows were the real star of the show - vanilla, chocolate and mint. I can assure you everyone indulged and had the signature s’more-sticky hands to prove it.

A few more fun details…

When you book your holiday dinner party with The Austin Artisan, be sure to use the promo code ‘LetsParty’ when you book & they’ll bring some of their signature bubbles to kick off your dinner party with a champagne toast! This offer is only good for events in December and just a few spots remain, so jump on it! It was such a special treat & the perfect way to greet everyone that walked through the door! Plus, it was the best excuse to use these beautiful crystal coups that my grandmother-in-law sent over from the UK.

We are fully obsessed with Fluff Meringues’ newest holiday candles. There are two scents, and as a self-proclaimed candle connoisseur, both are perfection. I went with ‘Jackson,’ a smokey birchwood + pine-scented candle because it gives me all the holiday feels. I also love that these candles are made in partnership with another amazing local business, Benjamin Soap Company.

If you think Cholula was left out of this soiree, think again! It’s no secret that I’m obsessed with my dog & I had to make sure she matched the decor with a black & white gingham bandana. She was such a good girl all night until she ate an entire s’mores kit the next day!! Don’t worry, she’s fine and very pleased with herself. Judging by this picture of her and my sister-in-law, I should have seen it coming…

Now that we’re back in 80-degree temps, it’s hard to believe that we were dining in 50-degree weather last weekend. Because of the chill, we called in the help of gas heaters to keep our guests toasty. As someone who can’t pass up a theme, I created a cheeky “Warming Station,” classed up with Leontine Linens’ cocktail napkins (thanks for the intro, The Scout Guide New Orleans!). My friends + family found it absolutely hilarious (and essential). Not one of the throw blankets I had inside for my guests were used - mission accomplished.

Cheers! Until next time...

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makesgoodchoices · 8 years ago

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Stereotypes: The Female Perspective of being “too” within society

A few of you had messaged me with interest of reading my grad school research paper on gender stereotypes within Pitch Perfect, I’ve excluded some of it, but thought you may be interested in the rest :) Let me know what you think, I would love if we could discuss and would love to hear what you think!!!!

“Okay, so all a woman has to do is ignore society’s expectations, be ambitious, sit at the table, work hard, and then it’s smooth sailing all the way. What could possibly go wrong?” – Sheryl Sandburg, Lean In (p. 39)

From a young age, we, as human beings, are taught how to eat, dress, ride a bike, communicate, and if we are really lucky – we are taught to love. This love still comes with innate beliefs educated, often subconsciously, by those who raise us, those we befriend, and those we come across in all stages of life. These ‘stereotypes’, often learned through behavior not words, is most often not even recognized as stereotypes because they often impact us in ways we do not consciously, or verbally, acknowledge.

Now, let’s try to break these stereotypes down even further and focus solely on the female population and what females are often inherently taught growing up within society. Habitually, these teachings come from our female parental figures, guardians, grandmothers, sisters, and friends who are teaching without the knowledge that they are helping to shape our beliefs and opinions for the rest of our female lives. These unconscious teachings include: the appropriate way to act around males, how to look and act like a lady (never less), how to speak our minds – but not too much, never too much; how to be the perfect student, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect employee. It does not matter if by doing these things we are living as our best selves, if we are being the polite, quiet female we have been conditioned to be, nothing else is of equal relevance. Though, these stereotypes are learned behaviors through our peers.

Exploring the mass media example of the film Pitch Perfect, released in 2012, the then-Indie-now-major-blockbuster-success focuses on an all-female acapella college group trying to find their way. The film pushes the limits of group female interactions and stereotypes of how women ‘should’ behave within society. The film could be argued for many different stereotypes as it is packed full of theories begging to be discussed. To name a few, we cross paths with the overweight female – who introduces herself as ‘Fat Amy’, when questioned why she calls herself that, she answers (jokingly?) “So twig bitches like you don’t do it behind my back.” There’s the openly gay member (who is also African-American) of the group who they chose to have play the utmost extreme version of being both a lesbian and a black female. There’s the very exaggerated sexual member of the group, the quiet Asian character, and the overly cocky male members of the rival group. We also get to enjoy the banter of a misogynist male and provocative female acapella announcer team. But nothing quite speaks the weight like the female and male stereotypical roles thrown to the audience throughout the film.

The female lead character ‘Beca Mitchell’, played by Anna Kendrick, is an incoming freshman at Barden University. Though young, Beca is extremely driven, sarcastic, antisocial, independent, and confident in her goal of becoming a music producer and doesn’t plan to focus on much of anything else.

Pause.

A woman… independent and driven in a successful film? Yes, I know it’s a strange concept. But that can’t just be all she is, she obviously needs more ‘depth’.

This ‘depth’ is explained as the female need for a male counterpart. These stereotypes of needing a male to complete a female are engrained into females minds at an early age. In order to really fit in with our peers, we desperately feel the need to make sure everyone knows how ‘normal’ we are by making this our sole life purpose. Females are quickly conditioned to go from thinking boys have cooties to boys being the true thing that completes us as human beings. We adorn photos of our teen idols along the walls of our bedrooms, read all the ‘cool’ magazines, begin wearing make-up way too young so that we look way better (still debatable) – because our natural look is not how the girls in those magazines look. We begin dreaming of ‘one-day-fairy-tale-weddings’ and admiring boys on television, because isn’t that what all girls are supposed to be doing? Or, at least pretending to be doing. “During that blissful period before I had to think about sex, I liked to present myself as “boy crazy.” I did like boys, both boys that I knew and the appropriately feminine boys in Teen Beat, but I played up being “boy crazy” because it seemed like the trait of a pretty, popular girl. In third grade, I took a quiz in Seventeen magazine and brought it to school. “I’m totally boy crazy according to this. It’s so embarrassing. Look!” I’d looked at the answer key prior to marking each question but thought my classmates would be duly impressed. My teacher took a look at the magazine and cautioned me to curb this quality as I got older. What is she talking about? The whole point of this is to seem like a cool, older girl! It took me years to realize she was warning me not to be a slut,” (Kendrick, p. 88-89). Especially in our young, developing years, females really stress the need for male attention and even more than the attention, the male sense of approval. Because nothing is worse than that awful, horrible feeling of rejection. More often than not, the motherly figures in our lives encourage these types of ‘normal’ behaviors. Anna Kendrick’s teachers’ words are the ones we do not anticipate. We do not anticipate someone not condoning this perceived ‘normal’ behavior and actually calling us out on it.

Now, to continue with the story of Pitch Perfect, Beca’s father, a professor at Barden University, urges her to give college a try and ‘join in’ on whatever college can offer her – and gives her the leverage that if she at least tries, he will help her move to L.A. at the end of the school year to help achieve her dream of being a producer. She’s still reluctant and dead-set on becoming a music producer, but tries to appease her father for the time being. What Beca does not realize is she will soon be bombarded in a dorm shower by a redhead named Chloe (played by Brittany Snow). Chloe has some serious boundary issues and strange recruiting methods, but upon hearing Beca sing, Chloe urges Beca to join a collegiate acapella group, who have struggled with success in the past. Beca reluctantly auditions and the story then takes off into really focusing on the different personalities of the females within the ‘Barden Bellas’ and what could potentially make them successful and win the championship at the end of the school year. The story at its core is about a group of females really trying to find their sound and soon, find a deep friendship and bond within each other. Sounds like a great story, right?

Well, sure. It’s great, but mainly, we need more. Just a story about female acapella singing and bonding isn’t enough. For mainstream media – we need more! Mainstream media needs drama and an ‘obvious’ ‘meet-cute’ between a nice boy and an independent, snarky girl. (Even though the girl finds the boy annoying, she will ‘obviously’ have a deep epiphany and ‘fall’ for his-charming looks and personality, because every mainstream movie needs this oh-so-romantic-storyline). A film obviously can’t be complete without this aspect of a woman realizing she needs a man to truly fulfill all her dreams. Enter – Jesse Swanson, played by Skylar Astin, member of the rival acapella group longing for Beca’s attention and love. After Chloe’s compelling (and equally naked) argument in Beca’s shower of convincing her to audition for the Barden Bellas, Beca becomes a member of the group. At the initiation night, the audience watches the first ‘pivotal’ scene between Beca and Jesse. Jesse approaches and Beca, again, shows disinterest. His pick-up line? “You're one of those acapella girls, I'm one of those acapella boys, and we're gonna have aca-children. It's inevitable.” She gives no reaction other than saying, “you’re drunk.” Because, what does one say in response to a stranger telling you that you’re destined to have children together? Other than repressing the urge to punch said boy in the face, but that would not be very ladylike.

Reverse this scenario.

Imagine Beca approaching Jesse asserting the exact same statement, how destined they are for each other and she will have his children… Yikes. Stage 5 clinger, much? She would automatically be deemed clingy, crazy, and probably a few other choice words making her unappealing to the audience. But, since Jesse says this and he just seems so harmless and nice, it’s obviously an okay thing to say as an opener to conversation.

Are you officially ‘wooed’ yet??

In Lean In, these gender stereotypes are beautifully explained, “When a man is successful, he is liked by both men and women. When a woman is successful, people of both genders like her less. This truth is both shocking and unsurprising; shocking because no one would ever admit to stereotyping on the basis of gender and unsurprising because clearly we do,” (Sandburg, p. 40). People, females and males alike, are often threatened and intimidated by success of others – especially female success. The thought of a woman knowing exactly what she wants and going after it, while some may find this empowering, most others will see it as a threat.

Beca is accused by the uptight leader of the Barden Bellas, Aubrey (played by Anna Camp), of being able to “see her toner through those jeans”. Meaning, Aubrey is accusing Beca of ‘having the hots’ (for lack of better words) for Jesse, which is strictly forbidden by the Barden Bellas leader. Beca’s reply is not one you’d expect, “that’s my dick!” she shouts back. Yeah (my inner commentary screams)!!!! A strong female standing up to another strong female and not needing to defend the accusation of needing a man?! I live for this shit! But wait… This same character will soon fall for this rival acapella singer? Say it isn’t so! The ‘typical male’ finds comments like these distasteful and unladylike. The film pushes viewers to appreciate the character of Jesse even more now that he’s accepting her despite these ‘flaws’. Look, she’s a bit crass, but a boy is still interested in her! She’s still relevant! And look how likable and persistent he is! Beca’s first impression isn’t one that we normally come to expect from anyone and it catches the audience by surprise. “When a woman does anything that signals she might not be nice first and foremost, it creates a negative impression and makes us uncomfortable. If a woman is competent, she does not seem nice enough. If a woman seems really nice, she is considered more nice than competent,” (Sandberg, p. 43). So, what’s the perfect blend of niceness and competence? Do we even care? Dyer explains why we do in fact care even when we try to deny the behaviors, “Righteous dismissal does not make the stereotypes go away, and tends to prevent us from understanding just what stereotypes are, how they function, ideologically and aesthetically, and why they are so resilient in the face of our rejection of them,” (Dyer, p. 353).

Looking back to Pitch Perfect with these stereotypes now in mind, think about the ‘love story’ again and really begin to question the relevance. At first watch, the love story between Beca and Jesse, seems cute, despite Beca’s lack of interest – if even as a side storyline to the real climb and camaraderie of the Barden Bellas. Upon further look, Jesse’s ‘cuteness’ starts to become off-putting. Jesse constantly tries to change Beca’s feelings on most things she has opinions on including movies (“How could you not like movies? What the hell is wrong with you? Not liking movies is like not liking puppies.”), music, and how she chooses to handle situations. As the viewers, we are supposed to find this endearing. ‘Oh look! He’s trying so hard to woo her!’ More like, he’s trying to change her and tame her into the person he wants her to be. Because the person she is, isn’t good enough. The chemistry between the two throughout can come across forced and Beca’s character seems much more comfortable interacting with the girls within the Barden Bellas. Followers of the independent film were confused by the need for romance storyline. After all, as Dyer explains, “…the aim of character construction should be the creation of “realistic individuals,” (Dyer, p. 353).” The audience has started to relate to the realistic broodiness of Beca’s character but she now abruptly transitions her focus. The transition is harsh and embodies the opposite of the character the audience is first introduced.

By the end of Pitch Perfect, Beca’s character will realize what a jerk she has been (how dare she reject an attractive, semi-likable guy and go after what she really wants!) and try to perform a big gesture to win the guy over (through song of course, this is acapella movie after all). The audience is wowed by the outcome and ‘awww’s’ at the result.

Viewers got another stereotypical film to watch repeatedly. The irony is the film is all about breaking molds, being different, and embracing who you are. The director of Pitch Perfect, Jason Moore, said after the movie’s initial release and as it began its rise into massive popularity, the original love story in the film was supposed to be between Beca and Chloe (which, after doing research for this assignment, I’ve realized has an insanely large online fanbase who call the pairing ‘Bechloe’). Moore admitted that the roles were rewritten because a girl-on-girl pairing in a mainstream film would not garner the attention that a typical boy-girl pairing would. To movie fans from afar, the idea of the Beca and Chloe pairing seems absurd. But for those who understand the film’s complexity and weight, the idea makes sense. It seems almost like a cop-out that the film ended up going the stereotypical route while trying to break out of these gender roles within society. Beca stated in the film, “it’s not enough to be good, we need to stand out – be different.” So, why not choose to go the alternate route of what the film is actually preaching instead of the forced route? Chloe and Beca’s characters’ seem like a much more even match, but alas, this is another rom-com mainstream film.

Women of this generation are fighting extreme unseen battles. Females have something to prove. We must break the mold and fight, fight, fight to try to escape this invisible stereotyped shell – a shell we have been placed in unknowingly. So what do we do in the mean time? “The gender wars need an immediate and lasting peace. True equality will be achieved only when we all fight the stereotypes that hold us back. Feeling threatened by others choices pulls us all down. Instead, we should funnel our energy into breaking this cycle… The goal is to work toward a world where those social norms no longer exist. If more children see fathers at school pickups and mothers who are busy at jobs, both girls and boys will envision more options for themselves. Expectations will not be set by gender by personal passion, talents, and interests, (Sandburg, p. 168-169).” Until the social norms are deemed officially broken, we should expect to see many more versions of Pitch Perfect-like films gracing our screens.

Stereotypes are universal, often engraved into our innate subconscious, and something that despite evolution and strides for being more open-minded and accepting will remain problematic within society for years to come for all fighting humans (males and females alike) around the world.

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rarespinecatalogue · 8 years ago

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Pezberry - Spanish Project

(This story is also on fanfiction.net)

Ay dios mio Santana thought as she looked at her schedule. Spanish with Mr.Schue….fun She groaned, dreading 7th period before even getting there. She didn’t need to take Spanish, she was Hispanic after all; she just hates when her family makes fun of her for not using the correct tenses in her sentences. For example, instead of saying “¿Quieres ver un película después de la cena?,” she’d probably mess up the tense of a word or mispronounce it making her sound like a gringa instead of the Latina that she is.

2:51 PM. The start of seventh period. Great. Sitting down, Santana looks up at the board only to see it read, “Rules: Respect, Participation, Fun (If you follow the rules)” Oh geeze. Shue really wants his kids to like him… Santana thought, rolling her eyes. It’s not that it was stupid or anything, it was just because it was Mr.Schuester who thought of it.

She didn’t hate the guy, he was her glee teacher for the past years after all. He just had this… vibe to him. He was basically a 2000’s Justin Timberlake wanna be who had more gel in his hair than a factory could produce. Speak of the devil She thought, seeing Mr.Schue walk into the classroom.

“Hola clase, today nos vamos a ser un progecto, on the rules of the classroom. I will explain the rules after you all partner up. And no, you can’t choose. Your partners have been listed on the board,” he says while taking papers out of his briefcase. Santana went up to board, blood going cold after reading who she was partnered with.

Rachel Berry

Rachel was an okay person to the Latina. Yes, she was competitive, an amazing singer, was really cute and- where was I going with this?… Oh, right! -but besides all that, Rachel was annoying, demanding, short and- Oh who is Santana kidding? Not herself, that’s for sure. She knew exactly why her face went paler than the paper she read and it clearly wasn’t because of how annoying Rachel was. Suddenly, the Jewish girl came into her peripheral vision.

“Santana! It seems that we have been partnered up for Mr.Schue’s assignment… please don’t hurt me. I was not the cause of this nor did I influence his decision and I know how much you hate me by the names you always call me and I just wanted to make sure we had some ground rules before we started. For starters, the nicknames have to stop…” Rachel rambled on, causing the Latina’s eyes to widen with every word she said, causing her to wonder how on earth she was still breathing. Suddenly, the older girl’s hand went up, causing Rachel to stop talking.

“Look Hobbit, if we’re gonna be partners, this ranting you’re doing all the time? Yeah, it gots to stop, understood?” She looks at her, continuing once Rachel nods. “Good. Now, let’s go sit down and see what we have to do for this stupid assignment,” Santana says, walking back to the table before Rachel could get a word out of her mouth. After both girls sat down next to each other, the lights turned off and the projector turned on. And of course, those few students screamed as if they’ve never been in a dark room before. Pinche pendejos Santana thinks, rolling her eyes.

The rest of the class was just an in depth version of the rules. You know, the normal “Be prepared at your desk before the bell rings, no talking while others are presenting, keep personal space, no phone usage and the bell not dismissing you” kind of rules every teacher has. Obviously Santana wouldn’t follow the last two. She always finished early and the rest of the time was always boring. She at least needed some texting to be done or music to be played in order to get by.

Santana started walking to her locker after class but once again got stopped by the glee captain. “Santana! You left before we could even discuss what to do for our project.” Santana glared, “Kind of the point..” Rachel’s smile fell, causing the taller girl’s stomach to knot. “…but seeing as you’re already here, I guess you can tell me the plan since I am almost a hundred percent sure you already have one in that organized brain of yours Tiny.” Rachel looked down trying to hide the blush caused by the Latinas comment and nickname. Just before Santana could think anything about it, she looked back up and opened her mouth. “Come to my house after school and we’ll talk about it there,” She said and walked away, leaving Santana with a gaped mouth.

So there Santana was, six minutes passed five (because when has she ever been on time for something?), right outside The Berry Residence with her backpack and a lump in her throat. It’s not like Santana hadn’t been to Rachel’s house before, the whole alcohol week fiasco could vouch for that. It’s just… it would only be her and Rachel. Not the whole Glee club and Blaine.

Before Santana could even knock, the door swung open with one Rachel Berry blocking the doorway. At least… she thought it was Rachel because instead of her normal animal sweaters and argyle skirts, she was in a plain black long-sleeve, jean shorts and Converse.

Santana’s breath hitched as she took in Rachel’s appearance and stared. At least until someone’s fingers were snapping in front of her face. “Hello? Santana? Are you going to come in or am I going to have to explain our project outside because I was really hoping I could use the visuals I had created.”

Yep, that’s Rachel alright.

“Uhh, sorry it’s just… Berry? That’s you right? Where’s all the argyle and animal-themed clothing?” She says, trying to subtlety look Rachel up and down.

“Those are only worn so I don’t get cancelled by every high school boy with eyes. I do have a sense of fashion San,” Rachel says, blushing at Santana’s teasing. Chuckling softly, Santana walks into the house once Rachel moves out the door way. Yep. Still the same from the last time she was here.

“So where are your dads?” The Latina asks as she’s looking around the whole house.

“Dad’s at the hospital doing a night shift and Daddy is in a conference at Columbia.” Santana’s eyes widen and turns to shorter girl, “You’re gonna be home alone? All night?” She asks, trying not to let her worry over the shorter girl show (which obviously wasn’t working by the other girls confused written face.)

“Yeah? It’s not like this is the first time… I’ll be okay Santana, no need to worry.” Santana’s eyes slightly widened but soon got covered up by a glare and her arms being crossed. “I’m not worried about you being alone Tiny. I’m just wondering why you would ask me over while home alone,” She says, smirking once she sees Rachel’s goofy smile turn into a major blush.

“Th-that’s not - Santana I- I would never -” Santana’s smirk only grew the more Rachel flustered over her words, causing the Latina to chuckle lightly. “Yeah yeah Rachel, I’m just messing with you. So, where’s this 30 page essay of a plan you’ve created?”

Once they were in the Jewish girls room and the PowerPoint had been presented, Santana was left in anger, annoyance and worry. Acting out the rules being done and broken? And… oh geeze, the last “scene.” Why oh why did Mr.Schue have to have “Personal Space” as a rule? Surely Santana’s secret would be revealed before they even get to present the stupid thing!

“Rachel… Are you sure you don’t want to bring Finn or-or Puck or even Sam for the last scene? Or maybe change it to something other than…” Santana blushed, not wanted to even say what Rachel had suggested. I am so glad Ethnic people don’t blush well. “Of course not! We’re partners and this would be a great acting exercise for me. If I can do this with you, and practice it might I add, then I’m basically ready for any Broadway production!”

Santana’s eyes widened. Practiced? As in… Practicing that scene over and over until Friday? THREE WHOLE DAYS OF THAT SCENE? Santana was on the verge of fainting just at the thought.

It was bad enough pairing up with her crush, but now she had to KISS her multiple times?! Not to mention in front of the class for one of them!

Santana straightened her posture and put her HBIC face on, “Alright Berry, just because I dated Brittany does not mean I wanna kiss every girl I see, gots it? Just don’t try anything or I swear I will go all Lima Heights on you.” Rachel’s smile fell, “S-Santana…” “No Rach. Look, I gotta go before my mom gets so pissed she’ll yell in Spanish longer and faster than you ever could. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Before Rachel could answer Santana was out of her room and out the front door.

After that, Santana only answered Rachel’s texts in a few words and didn’t talk to her much during school… That is until 7th period causing Santana’s ignoring of the short girl to end abruptly once Rachel dropped a GIANT stack of papers in front of her. Santana looked up at the girl, feeling weird seeing her back in her argyle and animal clothing after how she saw her the night before. “Santana, this is the script for our project. Your lines are in yellow and each scene is written in a different font.”

“Yeah, so not gonna do that. Look, how about we just don’t say anything unless it’s needed- like in the second scene- and the rest can be improvised if needed, because there is no way I am memorizing a constitutions worth of lines.” Just before Rachel could oppose, the bell rang, causing her to squeal and sit down not wanting to break a rule on the second day. Chuckling lightly, Santana sits back in her chair and smirks once she notices Rachel’s glare.

For the next three days Santana had always found an excuse to postponing the kiss. She’d either create an excuse of needing to pee, feeling hungry, not feeling like kissing or just saying she had to leave. This always caused Rachel to huff in annoyance or roll her eyes. Rachel just wanted a kiss, even if it was just for show to Santana. Yeah, she knows she seems desperate, but she just wants to know how she is before she can get over her crush on the Latina. She just hopes the older girls doesn’t chicken out during their actual performance.

And now there they were. In front of the class about to present on that Friday afternoon. Once Rachel finally convinced Mr.Schue to say action they began the show. Both girl were outside the door and after a few seconds, Rachel came into the class, sitting down while having her supplies. Santana then came into the class acting- well, acting like Santana.

“You see, Santana is breaking the rule in this scene. Nice job ladies, now let’s go to the next rule?” Mr.Schuester said and before he knew it, the scene changed.

Rachel was suddenly in front of the classroom “presenting” while Santana started to have a conversation with Brittany…who was across the room. Conveniently, it was also around the time they would normally do their bell ringers. “Fantastic Santana, I can see this is supposed to be the no talking rule. Next rule?” And once again, the scene changed.

This time though, it was Rachel who had her phone out, texting and breaking the rules while Santana was doing the “work” (she was basically scribbling on a paper trying to make Rachel laugh whenever she would glance at the paper.) Surprised, Mr.Schue nodded, “Amazing job, very creative Rachel. Now.. the second to last rule?”

Suddenly, Rachel grabbed her backpack and walked out, causing everyone to gasp except the Latina, who just smirked at everyone’s reactions. Once Mr.Schuester composed himself, Rachel came back inside, also smirking at their reactions and because of what was to happen in the next scene. “Um… *clears throat * Final rule?”

Not a second later, everything seemed to go in slow motion in that 7th period Spanish class. Rachel walked over to Santana, grabbed her face and kissed her slowly, not wanting to rush the moment. Surprised when the taller girls started kissing back, Rachel pulled away smiling. Both girls stared at one another, goofy smiles and blushes on each one of their faces.

Mr.Shue never did assign projects after that.

#pezberry #pezberyfanfic #fanfic #riverchele #santana lopez #rachel berry #glee

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justasmallbloginabigklainefandom · 8 years ago

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The Great ATOG Reread; Grey part 9

Part 8 ended on a kind of cliffhanger? I just had to stop myself from continuing, but here I am. I read all the remaining chapters today and I’m, as the kids say, shook.

I once again read 7 months long fic in four days.

Anyway, since this is the end of this verse, thank you for reading my mumbling.

Chapter 29

Oh god, they have fucked up. Oh god they have fucked up so badly, to get to here, how could they get to here?

Aftermath. Draxie and BB are discussing Ghostly, and Blaine is once again realising what he’s done. I can’t really blame him, since he had a lot on his plate too. This entire fic was heavy because as a reader, you saw how helpless they both felt.

Kurt thinks he’s dying. Blaine doesn’t want him to die.

Normally it’s Blaine who thinks he’s about to die, but then again, problem 1 has been happening for a long while.

To no one’s surprise, the Phalanx rollercoast is making a lot of rounds today (especially with what’s waiting for them).

He has no fear of forever if 'forever' just means that they're both ghosts now.

Blaine’s thinking about solidity. He’d forgotten that Kurt had given him some sense of solidity, and now he wants to do the same for Kurt. Kurt thinks Blaine’s wasting his time. Kurt’s about to die, so why stay?

But why leave?

So while Blaine’s out looking for that sense of solidity, Kurt’s problem 3 is kicking his ass. The Ghost of New York City has started to become a stranger to Kurt, or is it the other way around? Fuck knows.

It’s time to leave.

UNLESS AGENT SYLVESTER HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT BECAUSE KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER, TERRORIST!

People should realise that it doesn't matter if it's day or night, this city is always haunted. The Ghost lingers in its concrete and metal and glass, the Ghost is the memory of why you don't fuck with New York City. So long as the Ghost does exist, he's never letting it be known that New York is open to attack. No time even to change his underwear. That is how much he loves his city.

Time for probably the most horrifying moment in the entire fic.

You know, I love the Flash. It’s one of the reasons I started reading this fic. I thought “hey, superheroes aren’t as bad as I thought” because of the Flash. Fuck, Flash, I owe you.

Why am I telling you this? Because I stumbled into the CW DCTV verse without any knowledge about these comics. You can do the same for ATOG/Grey. You can read it without having to watch glee, but you will miss references and some depth.

(Small Flash season 2 spoiler ahead) When Jay introduced Caitlin to his Earth-1 döppelganger, he told her he’s called Hunter Zolomon. (End spoiler)

I moved on. I knew something had happened, but I moved on until I later googled the name, but if you see reaction posts and videos of diehard DC fans, you see people losing their shits. They got that reference, I didn’t.

And the same thing is happening right now.

The Ghost - looks at him. Phalanx stares back and sees incomprehension in the Ghost's eyes on his for a long second before it breaks, before something else surfaces, some awful realisation as the Ghost squeezes his hand and whispers heavy and sick, "Oh god." "Oh - oh god what, he - they knew? They knew, they had us in files? When did they -" The Ghost presses his hand and says in a fast stumble, "Phalanx they've known - I thought you knew, I thought we - I thought we just weren't - I thought you knew -"

Remember how I used to think Sebastian was a bad plot device? The first time I read this, I yelled: “I TAKE IT BACK HOLY FUCK I TAKE IT BACK” because I really did not see it coming. And he emotionally destroyed every single one of them with one sentence.

"So we have the full team, isn't that exciting?" Sebastian says brightly. "I've been reading about how pathetic you all are for so long, it's almost like I've actually been despising you in person the whole time. So you must be Noah Puckerman, just to clarify, Noah, no-one ever will see you as anything but a monster, because that's what you actually are. And Artie Abrams! Who will never spend a day of his life not dependent on someone else! And you must be Brittany Pierce, and I'm sorry to tell you Brittany but you never will understand because you actually are exactly that stupid, and that is all everybody else thinks about when they look at you. And your delightful partner Santana Lopez -" Cheer Girl, face white, is holding Incendiary's arm, far too tight for Incendiary to get at him; Incendiary is whispering under her breath, not even blinking, "Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you -"

"- I'm afraid abuéla will never think of you with anything less than stomach-turning revulsion again for as long as the evil old bitch lives, Santana. Which means that she's Quinn Fabray, and, Quinn? You will never see her again, because why the hell would they ever let someone like you fuck up her life?" Quinn is pale but silent. Only her fists at her sides shake, a little. "Sam Evans is the one who worked for the mob, so I'm sure he knows exactly what he has to remember when he can't sleep on a night because really an awful lot of blood paid for what he is now. And that brings us to -" "- no no no -" Phalanx whispers as Sebastian's eyes land on his, and the Ghost's hand is hurting his. "Blaine Anderson, Blaine," Sebastian leans a little forward to speak down to him, as Phalanx's every sense jars, "he never will forgive you, because you stood by and let that happen to him, and you're the selfish asshole who walked away whistling from something he has to remember every step he'll ever take." no no no no no he'll throw up Sebastian straightens his back, and looks at the Ghost, who stares back, silent and still and head held high, and eyes fixed on his. Sebastian says, like it's a joke, "Kurt Hummel." The Ghost breathes out, only a little hard, through his nose. Phalanx can see the way it shifts his chest. Unmasked in front of everyone he stands there still, not afraid, shoulders back and jaw set solid, and holds Phalanx's hand, and keeps his eyes fixed proud on Sebastian's, and if Sebastian has known his whole life to pick through the worst parts the way he did to them - Sebastian curls his lip. "Maybe you should just be grateful that anyone can look past your face and want to fuck you instead of crying 'rape' all the time."

As a reader, you know some of those people, but as a glee fan, you understand the pain they’re going through right now. I tried making Lloyd read this, since he’s also into the hero trope, and I know he won’t feel the same. I won’t have to fight to throw up. Again, some stories are ATOG only, and it’s just Sebastian showing off that he knows who they are.

But Quinn.

Santana.

Brittany.

Jesus Christ. Why does this have to happen to them? To make matters worse, a) Wade and b) Sebastian is a super who copies other supers.

Sebastian makes you sick. He’s sick. Fuck. How he uses the desperation of a man begging for his lover’s life, only because Sebastian doesn’t agree with the way he’s living his life. The Ghost once told Phalanx after the entire “oh shit I can kill people” thing started, that he’s seen people beg for their lives and how awful it is to see them lose their last glimpse of humanity.

I guess the Ghost never thought he would end in a similar situation, because he’s not losing his shit while begging for his life, but while begging for Phalanx’s life. Phalanx is dying. AGAIN.

The Ghost knows terrorists. He knows he can’t risk it, because they’ll shoot him without a second thought.

And sure, Mercedes Jones, actual superstar, saves him some time, but it’s still too late.

The haunting grips every muscle in a tight, cold hand. Oh, he thinks, as the fists on his muscles let go, as his body folds into the dark. Oh, I know this feeling . . .

Chapter 30

puckzilla! \o/

Really?

The Ghost knows his powers like no other, and sure, this sucked, but he’ll get over it. He knows haunting. He owns haunting. For now, all seems okay. He and Phalanx are out of the crossfire, and with Mike and Agent rent besides them, it’s time to take a fucking breath.

Only.

Phalanx has different ideas.

"Um," Blaine says, and fiddles with a compartment on his utility belt, and then opens it. "I'm - not just kneeling because I'm concussed, you know."

Fuck glee 5x01, this is a dream proposal. Sure, it is a bit random, but this isn’t like the shit they pulled in canon glee. This time, it’s not rushed, or stupid, or shit writing. This is love.

This is Blaine offering Kurt solidity.

And yeah, Kurt is still trapped in the mindset of problem 1. He can’t have it, so why bother, but Blaine doesn’t give a flying fuck about problem 1 right now. Sure, Kurt might be dying and sure, their days together might be numbered, but he still wants to spend those last remaining days by his side.

"I want," Blaine says quietly, since Kurt isn't arguing anymore, since the fight is dumbed in Kurt, "to be your husband for every second I can get. I want to know that. I want something to hold on to, whatever else happens, something to be sure of. I want you to have that too. I want you to know that I love you, I want you to actually understand it, everything you do I want you to know that I love you while you're doing it. I want you to actually believe it. I know sometimes it's like you - it's like you understand it but you can't really feel it but, Kurt, you're a miracle to me, I feel it, I always will, whether you believe in it or not, I just, I just wish you knew that I'm in awe of you, that you're my hero and you always will be and I'll never be ashamed of that, you're the best part of my life. I wish you knew that you're allowed to want this from me because I want to give it to you. I want you to remember and trust in that every day, that I love you, I do, whatever else happens, anything, nothing will ever break this, not ever, I'll love you until I'm dead. And I'll try to make you believe it, I'll work at that, if you'll promise to try to believe it." He turns the ring in his fingers, twitches his smile a little. "I believe in ghosts," he says. "And I'm not afraid of them. I think it's - beautiful, that some things can stay. I would - like." Little breath, the way his chest expands, Kurt knows his body better than his own and he feels that breath in his own fluttering, aching ribs. "I would like to be the thing that the ghosts believe in, maybe."

(Really, fuck glee)

And everything is right in this world.

Until, of course, it isn’t. Mike, Sebastian, and to Phalanx’s dismay, Wade are entering the room. Sebastian is after the Ghost, and he’s willing to kill. The Ghost is not in the mood.

"You want me dead or you want my powers." he says, looking Sebastian steady in the eye and the Ghost might be the one looking through a mask but the mask is who he is, there's no lie in him, all the strength he's got is his. "So come and get me."

He once told Agent Sylvester he’s tired of playing games.

Boo, asshole.

While Sebastian is chasing after the Ghost, Phalanx is left alone with Wade. And wow, Phalanx is fucking terrified. Sure, he’s been shot, he’s been hurt, he’s been drugged, he’s been beaten, but no one has fucked him up as much as Wade did and he didn’t even come near Phalanx.

Again, whereas I got why Wade was upset, he was really frustrating. Rachel is never willing to listen, and so is Wade. He took his own stupid conclusions from a conversation that’s not comparable to the usual conversations the Ghost and Phalanx have about this matter.

Wade felt alone.

Just like that one super did. You know, the one that caused a major wankfest on the internet. Sometimes I wonder if they’re the same person.

But is this really the solution? I get that he didn’t want to be alone anymore, but is joining a group of fucking terorrists who don’t even care about him the solution? Is he less alone now? No. Of course not, but still, Wade chose this.

I like that Phalanx and Wade got to talk normally. I love that sometimes compassion and a good conversation can help people. Wade is afraid of Phalanx, Phalanx is afraid of Wade, but in the end, they have nothing to be afraid of.

"I needed you to be distracted," Wade says, still turned towards the corner. "I needed you to all . . . I gave everyone's mind exactly the same suggestion, all I do is nudge, it's you who -" "How was that the 'same suggestion', what 'suggestion' - ?" Wade stares at him, almost like he's afraid of him (He's afraid of him?) and says, "Something that would never happen." Phalanx stares back. The thing in his throat feels like wet old rope, too long knotted to ever come undone. Something that would never happen. Something that would never . . .

Relief.

It’s one of the best feelings ever. Phalanx get the confirmation that, yes, he would never do this to Kurt.

Because of that relief, Phalanx finally finds the strenght to see Wade for who he really is: Unique. Phalanx realises why the Ghost, from all people, has seen Unique from the beginning. And because of that, Phalanx can do it too.

The tension disappears and both Phalanx and Unique see each other for who they really are. Unique sees Phalanx, a man who is always willing to help her, and Phalanx sees Unique, the confident woman she is.

It’s okay.

It’s all finally over.

Except, in this verse, you know it’s not.

"Top story," the newsreader is saying, as Phalanx can only slowly make himself understand what Unique has just told him, "'the Ghost of New York' has been unmasked as Mr Kurt Hummel, twenty-four, we are unable to reach Mr Hummel for a statement but we'll bring the news as it breaks, 'Phalanx' has been unmasked as his partner, Mr Blaine Anderson of -" Mike has dropped to sit in the desk chair at the computer, like he can't hold himself up anymore. And when this sinks in, Phalanx thinks desperately through the welling, swelling confusion inside, the numbness of his inability to grasp something still in the process of growing too big to be contained, when this sinks in, when it does, I'll feel just as horrified as him, won't I . . . ?

Just like Mike, I felt like I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. Just like what Wade (now Unique) made Phalanx see... I knew it was coming and still, I felt like I was punched in the gut. That’s an understatement.

The Ghost is unaware of the fact that his worst nightmare has come true, and luckily so, because he needs to take Sebastian, what a bag of dicks, down. It’s interesting how Sebastian seems afraid of fear.

The Ghost... all he needed was love and the solidity of the ring on his finger.

The solution was so simple.

And just like Phalanx, that doesn’t make his struggles and pain unvalid. This must’ve been some of the worst months of his life, and even though all the pain goes away in less than five minutes, the pain will not be forgotten.

Sebastian will never understand love the way the Ghost does. The Ghost knows now that Phalanx has shown hims what love means. To Sebastian, love is a prize, an object, you can win.

But he’s about to loose.

You realise that you're gay, in this world, and you're afraid. Your powers come in and all you feel towards them is fear. Everything is secret, everything is scary, everything is shadows and you on your own - But you can embrace it, the Ghost thinks as he takes his silent step and Sebastian spits, "He only wants you because you're the only guy even more pathetic than he is, he only wants you because at least next to you he gets to feel like a man for once -" You can embrace it. You can embrace it second-hand, you can pass your power on to other people until you see how not-scary it is because it saved them. You can embrace it by following superhero blogs and feeling your stomach flutter, someone like you, until you know what you want to do too. There are lots of ways to come to terms with and embrace the part of you that will never be normal but still is you, is still the same gift that life is, all the same. Or you can embrace the fear.

He’s paranoid, and yet, the Ghost feels a bit of sympathy for him because he is the Ghost of New York City and that is what he does.

And really, after everything Sebastian has done to him and Phalanx, he is not fucking around.

At some point in his life, Kurt has believed every single word that Sebastian is saying right now. But when Sebastian's eyes hit the Ghost, the paler shape in the dark and Sebastian's blanched face freezes, he doesn't believe a word of them. He understands now the fear those lies are built from, he knows that fear is easier than the truth, it is so, so hard to swallow the fear down and reject a lie for what it is when the lie is so huge and the truth is only a ghost, the promise of a presence, something so intangible and so important. Fear will always be so, so much easier than the ethereal, invisible, untouchable truth.

Chapter 31

It’s over.

But it’s not.

The Ghost just thinks it’s over.

. . . it never is simple. God, he knows that, the Ghost lives in the grey spaces; it never was his single decision to put a mask on and help people that led to this. It was Blaine in Ohio ashamed and afraid, it was Karofsky dealing with his own agony by inflicting it on the only person he felt he could, it was Kurt's dad deciding to love Kurt whatever happened - it was Kurt's mom gone and Kurt taking care of himself, and his father, and never asking why he had to - it was Kurt's powers dormant in his child-body, Kurt learning the world before he learned himself - it was this world, this world that forces you into the confines of the tick box test, this world denying Kurt all of his grey spaces, this world chipping away at him and everyone else from the moment they came bewildered and afraid into it. It's a boy! means an entire life already chosen, and is not a statement of fact, Kurt knows that. It's a threat. The world looks at him every day and wonders why he can't live up to what he ought to be. He has to live every day of his life knowing what some people would do to him to 'teach him a lesson' when he already knows all of it, really, he really, really does.

The Ghost slowly starts putting the pieces together. Jesse, Tina’s show, Schuester... it’s all connected. Even though he and Phalanx were a bit occupied with their problems, they still wouldn’t have gotten it. Oh, how clever Sebastian was.

Was he?

"Dad." he says, and sniffs, and dabs his eyes off a little, balls the tissue in his hand as he takes a little breath. "Blaine asked me to marry him." Silence, for a second. Kurt can hear the news still on in the background on his dad's end, the murmur of some voice through the TV. His dad says, "What'd you say?" "What do you think I said?" "Like any of us ever know what you're gonna do about anything, Kurt." "I'm not stupid." He sniffs his breath in again, and squashes the used tissue into an empty belt compartment. "I said yes." "Good. I'm glad. I'm happy for you both." "You're coming to my wedding." "You couldn't keep me away." "So stay away from the windows and don't let anyone in." "Jesus, Kurt."

Of course, they’re up against Will Schuester, probably the most pathetic man ever. While Kurt and his father are fighting for who gets to put his body in front of that gun, Schuester fucking misses.

He misses.

Oh my god.

His dad is safe, Carole is safe, Finn and Rachel are safe, Mike and Tina are safe, and now people want to speak to the Ghost.

It’s sickening. It’s awful. Just like the Ghost, you cannot believe that people want to use the Ghost like this. And these are the people that you should trust.

It quietens in him, and he lowers his hand, and he speaks only softly because how much he means the words makes them heard. "Don't you ever dare bring anything like this to him. He's not that kind of soldier. He protects people. He shields people. He doesn't take orders, he does what he knows is the right thing to do. Don't you ever dare even try to make him into a weapon too."

You’ve seen the Ghost angry before, but he always has some way to stay calm and collected. Not now. He’s high key losing his shit.

The Ghost is in a vulnerable position, but then he sees Agent Sylvester and for the first time he gets what’s been happening and she’s been doing to him.

'Use your power wisely'. She didn't say powers. She said . . . It's not enough for them to be afraid of what he might do. He's very small, compared to them; he doesn't even know how huge they might be. But he has more power than just walking through walls now and then and his breath leaves him slowly, and that woman really might be the best and worst thing that ever happened to him.

Those people might be the big scary men, wearing expensive af suits, but never ever underestimate Sue Sylvester. No matter what version of Sue Sylvester you get, never fucking underestimate her.

Because those men don’t know him. Neither does Agent Sylvester, but she knows enough to see that the Ghost is one of the smartest people in the world.

He finally stares up at her, and she shrugs. He spits into the basket again, takes a tissue from his belt to wipe his mouth distastefully and drops it in the trash. "You," he says, slowly, a whole different sort of nausea spiralling heavily up from this realisation, "you've been manipulating . . . me, and Phalanx, and that team - and those men, your employers, the US government -" "Yup."

By the way, how is Phalanx doing?

I guess he’s somewhat okay.

Honestly, to Phalanx it’s all a bit confusing. His family is safe, but it’s not the same. Burt Hummel tried to throw himself in front of a shotgun to protect his son, but Phalanx’s parents?

They’ve never cared.

Phalanx, Blaine, cracks his eyes open, looks wearily up at him. Cooper's grinning. He looks across at his parents - sitting on opposite sides of the aisle, heads down, paying no attention, and he thinks . . . He doesn't know what he thinks. He doesn't think that they know what they think. His dad seriously just couldn't seem to get it, was still asking when this would be over when the plane touched down, like his son's being unmasked as a superhero is inconvenient but it'll blow over soon enough, and Blaine . . . Blaine knows, knows that this is the rest of his life now. He lifts a hand but doesn't touch the mask on his face, because he remembers that he's not wearing it. He unpeeled it in front of his mom. She looked back at him like she didn't understand any of it any more than his dad.

It’s so sad, honestly. They do love each other, but it’s more obligatory love. It’s more “oh well, we’re family so we love each other” love. Phalanx sure as fuck is relieved to see that his parents are safe, but if it were the other way around, would they feel the same?

Like... Burt Hummel tried to take a bullet for his son.

Mr. Anderson doesn’t seem to notice that something’s wrong, even though the US Government is holding them.

"I'm never going to be a physical therapist, am I?"

This is also the first moment where Blaine realises that his old life is dead. He no longer is Blaine or Phalanx. He’s both.

Yes, life is fucking shitty at this moment, but Kurt problem 3 just fucking disappeared.

Chapter 32

("What did you say?" Blaine had said urgently, and Kurt had looked so tired with the mask off, drained almost beyond sense as he mumbled, "I think I quoted The Wire at them.")

Just as Kurt, Blaine is fucking livid. How dare those people try to use Kurt like that.

Also, as a reader, something interesting happens. I just wrote that Kurt problem 3 is fucking gone. During most of the fic, you see Kurt, Blaine, the Ghost, and Phalanx as four different people. That stops.

Kurt is the Ghost.

Blaine is Phalanx.

End of story.

Even with their masks on, they are Kurt and Blaine.

It’s time to keep on living. Their secrets are out and everyone’s waiting for them to say something. The media are cruel and gross.

Don’t get me wrong. I fully agree with Meryl Streep that the press is the best thing that has ever happened to us and that we need to protect it (now more than ever since the US has a president that makes up a fucking terrorist attack in Sweden, and when Sweden tells them nothing has happened, he calls them liars), but that’s politics and business and economics.

This is showbizz, and let’s face it, showbizz media have always been ugly. Kurt and Blaine’s old lifes no longer exist. From now on, they only live for the media/public’s gaze and entertainment.

They have to continue living like this, and they start with the safe house. People are being contacted. Kurt is overjoyed that Robbie, Sophie, and Chandler are so kind. And yes, his aikido teacher knew.

Blaine, on the other hand, feels like he’s got hit in the face because of Paul.

Well. Fuck him.

Kurt’s adjusting. Like... he’s on the news and so is Blaine. Like I said, media are vicious. They’re trying to dig up as much as they can find so that they can use it for their own popularity. Even other people turn their backs on Kurt and Blaine in the hope of those fifteen or thirty minutes of fame.

His life really is just too surreal to deal with, sometimes; Mercedes Jones just invited herself to his wedding.

He realises that some good things have happened. Mercedes Jones has found her self-confidence, and to Kurt’s biggest surprise, the team mates are his friends.

He leaves his phone, goes through to check on his lover, his fiancé, his partner. He's just waking in the bed as Kurt ghosts through the door, stretching out on his side in the sheets, eyes closed and face happily screwed up with the bliss of being in bed, and Kurt can't stop the smile, no mask in the world could hide that smile. In the dim Blaine's made of muted gold, in the dim his skin looks coffee-warm and he looks across, smiles for Kurt, and Kurt's thumb touches the ring to his skin. Eight million souls in this city, and he is the luckiest one of them all.

And.. problem 1 is done with too. They don’t understand what has happened, but do they have to? It’s over. That’s all that matters, and Kurt finally feels the relief Blaine felt when the Ghost jumped of that building.

Life really goes on. They go out to do their fucking jobs and well... can you blame them? Sure, people are reacting differently towards them and it bothers them, but they’re still superheroes. Nothing has changed.

Same goes for fandom, and my love for Ghostly cause HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HER MOM DIED AND THEN.. BB... AND.... I CRIED WHEN BB CAME OUT OF THAT TAXI AND I JUST????

Ghostly understands them like no other.

They return to you from the grave, the heroes at the heart of our fandom. They are now truly ghosts. What they have faced is loss, not just death but murder; they didn't ask for this outing, they did everything they ever could to avoid it. They face every uncertainty of loss and grieving. Their old life was murdered, everything they knew and lived is killed. Their *selves* are dead and yet they remain, as we the living do after each death - they are the gray murdered ghosts standing shocked on their own graves - and what I ask you for fandom from what shallow depth of my exhausted heart I can scrape down to right now is just *compassion*. Their lives are over, and they still have to live. The world bears down on them. They will have no privacy for their grief, no sacred space of the mourner for what they have lost, they have every news station in the country and half of them in the world tuned in to dismembering the corpses of their old lives and dangling the pieces from their gibbets. Grieving is *hard*. It hits you *hard*. I don't doubt that they're being strong, but I respect their right to feel weak under this onslaught. They were never our dolls. They were always those two young men - my god, barely more than children, we always knew and never could really face that fact (Blackbindings informs me that they're older than she is; Blackbindings, my angel, everyone is older than you are) - they were always real people, themselves, just themselves, doing what they could. If you could never view them as truly human before then *please* try to do it now. Their lives are being hung, drawn, and quartered by salivating journalists for *our* consumption, and we're supposed to be on *their* fucking side.

Damn Ghostly, back again with those dolls.

Please. If you won't do it out of compassion then do it because you *know* what we owe them: respect them. Give them their space. Let them breathe, and be. Don't greedily gobble down every butchered piece of them that the blood-maddened media will serve to you. Remember that to those who can make money out of it they will only ever be *things*. To us they are people; people who don't deserve to be turned into dolls, people we have no entitlement to own, everything they ever gave us was a gift. The only entitlement at work here is their entitlement to your respect. You do owe them it. They are as mortal and human and beautiful as any of us: *let them be that*.

(Sorry for that meme usage)

Let them be human, in this moment. Let them be not superheroes, not symbols, not dolls, not angels. Just let them be human, so they can put themselves back together again, after all that's been broken these last few days. Let yourself be an angel, for once. Be a bearer of quiet wisdom. See what it feels like to actually be on their side.

Sure, as a die-hard Spring Awakening thing, the ‘become an angel’ thing kind of freaks me out, but you get what she means, because from all people in this Earth, there are only three people who fully realise that Kurt and Blaine’s old lives have died and don’t matter anymore, never to come back: Kurt, Blaine, and Ghostly.

And yes.

Nice things do happen.

She says, "Are you wearing a-" He blinks, and her eyes are stunned on his finger, and he cups the ring protectively close in his other hand and says, "He, um, he, asked." When she screams there's a thudding scramble from outside and Blaine bursts in, shields a shocked green flicker crowding the room, the front door bangs open and three armed agents race through, and Kurt holds her arms as she hugs him by the head and he's not crying, he's laughing.

Rachel gives them another reality check: life has ended. You need to start anew, and since she’s Rachel, she demands that they let her help. The mail... it kind of freaks me out? Sure, good stuff happens like the Make-A-Wish thing and children sending drawings, but it fucks me up that Cheerios and Calvin Klein want to sponsor them.

Like I said, the media are important, but the showbizz ones are disgusting.

"Cheerios want to sponsor us." "What? I am not wearing an advertisement on my cloak. Oh my god Leviticus does not say that, if you're going to send hate mail at least do the reading." "Calvin Klein want to know your waist size." "What? Why?" Rachel shrugs a duh. "So they can send you lots of free underwear and then tell everyone that superheroes wear their stuff?" "Well they can mind their own damn business on my waist size." Kurt snaps back. Then Blaine sees the hesitation in him, because free stuff is a bit of a pull, but then Kurt takes the letter off Rachel and dumps it in the 'shred' sack anyway.

Not only this, but the tabloid stories have started. Juicy gossips about sex and life are happening, and there’s nothing they can do about it except for calling a lawyer. Really, their lives no longer exist for them. They’re for the entertainment industry now.

There’s only one way to make them shut up for now.

Rachel.

See, you are useful after all.

There's a dark-eyed boy on his laptop in the corner, but otherwise the coffee shop is empty and strangely calm, a lull in the world's air after all the rush and worry out there. And there, in the doorway in front of the man behind the counter, they fade into sight, quite slowly, two young men, holding hands, the shorter smiling hopefully, the taller looking the man behind the counter in the eye from underneath a nervously cocked hat. The young man on his laptop looks up, and smiles. Mr Conti wipes his hands off on his apron, and puts his proud-beaming head high. "What did I tell you. Leave the cape a night, bring a boy. Always welcome!" Their hands squeeze and hold, and from under the shadow of the hat, he gives him the smallest and most perfect ghost of a smile.

Chapter 33

You guys ever watched Avatar: The Last Airbender? There’s this episode where they recap the entire show, and it’s done in such a wonderful format. The characters are going to see a play about their own lives.

This is also a wonderful format, because who’s been there through all the hell, and fic, and fanart, and wank, and h/c, and BNF, and Dat ass, the fanmixes... fandom.

Oh fandom.

The first time I read this, I was kind of shocked to see that there’s been a time-jump, but it’s so brilliant.

It’s so weird people on the internet call them Kurt and Blaine now.

KH: He liked it. BA: I put a ring on it.

BLESS.

Since like everyone got unmasked all at once given That Photo leaking, that's l to r Blaine, Joy, Vanessa, Emily, and Kurt, or as we previously knew them, Phalanx, Draxie, She Who Must Not Be Named, Blackbindings, and the Ghost, all smiling, all happy <3

All wedding happiness aside, it’s so great to see how much they have progressed in five years. Kurt and Blaine have grown, and the fandom has too. Sure, it’s probably still wanky af, but that’s fandom. Draxie, BB, Ghostly... they’re all happy, and that means a lot to me. Draxie has kids! BB and Ghostly are together! BB is a professor! Ghostly writes!

KH: You got shot! BA: - I had completely forgotten about that. WHAT FUCKING LIFE DO YOU LIVE THAT FORGET GETTING **SHOT** JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

Really, the beginning is all fun and games, but the fact that they’re somewhat forced to do this is so sick. Just like Rachel, the whole world is about to find out what has traumatised them so much... it led to this.

I love that after the interview aired the guy totally did get back in touch with him and now they're BFFs again, it was just one of the most 'uhhuuuhhhhhh ;____;' things…

This makes me happy though.

But. Fuck.

Not even Burt Hummel knew.

I respect him so much for saying that it's not easy. Because it would have been so easy for him to give the same narrative of 'I'm a survivor, I'm a fighter' but instead he tells his *own* truth which is 'I still live with it, it never wrecked me yet and I love my life now but yeah it's difficult'. People want sexual assault victims to fit into a box that would make it easier for the rest of us to deal with it, like fitting sexual assault perpetrators into a box so it's only obviously *evil* people who do it so we don't have to deal with actually 'normal' people doing it, but they're always really just people and it's *difficult*.

When all that is gone, time for more light hearted stuff.

BA: I was a fan. I am a fan. I'd been following him on the internet for - there is no non-weird way to explain this, Kurt stop - He's almost hysterical, I know some of it's release of tension but a lot of that is just 'MY BOYFRIEND IS MY BIGGEST FAN CANNOT STOP LAUGHING' I fucking love that he's one of us ;_; The fact that one of the biggest superheroes in the country turned out to be an epic geek must have done *so* much for so many kids reading comic books on their own . . . Just like the Ghost of New York turning out to have serious opinions on cravats and hair care meant so much to so many queer kids out there <3 BA: I have a blog. The four most beautiful words in the entire interview XD

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

I guess it's the best we could have expected of fandom that people did hold off for a whole two weeks before someone outed his blog and the entire internet swarmed on it. And then like, he didn't go near the thing for a month because why would you. But I love that without any wanring or fanfare he just started using it post photographs of his boyfriend like 'yeah we all know why you're really here look at how pretty he is!! <3' and to chat about life in NY like it's no big deal. And now it's the best way we have to remember that they're *them*. cause the news might be all hostage situations and bank heists and supervillains and bomb threats but he just blogs 'Kurt made waffles best morning ever!! \o/' and you kind of get what their lives actually are to *them*, now <3

Oh yes.

BA: I still think 'what would the Ghost do' whenever I don't have a clue. KH: Blaine . . . BA: What? KH: Half the time he panics and looks for you.

OH MAN.

I AM LIKE THE FANDOM RN.

Speakin of them...

The first and only time he actually looks at the camera, for all of half a second Blaine keeps making eye contact with it like he wants *us* to feel included, Kurt looks like he just really can't. I know he's more used to it now but my god, back then, I mean we always thought he was *shy*. He has fucking PTSD. He was *terrified* of us. a lot of the way the media pulled them apart then was just sick He's scared of people judging him, not listening to him, just *judging* him. We really could have hurt him, when this happened, I'm so glad for all the people who *were* on thier side. Every minor thing about them got dragged out like it was some great psychological proof of something, the way people talked about them *like they couldn't hear it*, it was *grotesque*. I actually dumped friends over that, and I still think I did the right thing. They still deal with it now. They do so with really just remarkable grace, all things considered <3

Yeah kids, y’all fucked up.

I think for the most part phandom behaved really well. They tended that shrine outside their building and got into a lot of fights defending them online from everyone else, and actually once the Ghost's history came out I think some of the conversations about how we'd been using his image all along really did help people *think* about stuff I pulled a couple of dubcon pieces of fic after that, it just sat really bad with me. Been thinking about that ever since. he's trying to protect him. he knows how hard all this is on kurt and he's trying to protect his boyfriend from *us*. that really made me realise how powerful what we do is, we can hurt *superheroes* with this, we have to make sure we do it right :/ I love that phandom actually is really protective of them. The only public photograph there's *ever* been of them kissing was some long range pap shot through a window and it never gets reblogged, you just never see it, because everyone knows that was fucking wrong and neither of them would be OK with it. You know someone's not really a *fan* if they're OK with that.

I think that Kurt and Blaine did the right thing by outright showing that sometimes fandom’s entitlement is problematic. They all know by now that Blaine is amongst them, so they can’t pretend they don’t know that it doesn’t affect them.

Ghostly has told them so many times, but fandom always kept putting it aside. “They won’t see it anyway”

Well knock knock, y’all, Blaine’s seen it all for almost seven long ass years. He knows what you guys can do. He’s the press guy for a reason because he knows how to deal with it, since he basically lived in that fandom.

Ghostly has told them. And now Kurt and Blaine have too.

BA: . . . sometimes when you're really engrossed in a book or your sewing machine I leave the mustard out of the fridge just to make you pay attention to me. omg I LOVE his face there BLAINE TELL ME YOU DO NOT DO THAT BLAINE THE MUSTARD IS SRS WE DO NOT JOKE ABOUT LEAVING THE MUSTARD OUT BLAINE, *WHY*

(I love this little running gag that started in ATOG)

In this interview, Kurt and Blaine show the world who they are. They basically tell others to fuck off with the showbizz, because this is Kurt and Blaine. That’s it. They’re just two guys who love coffee.

They have lives, and friends, and families... they’re just two guys. This was just a wonderful chapter and I really started tearing up at the end of it. They mean so much to the fandom, how crazy it might seem.

In those past five years, they’ve done so much for this world, and this is just like the last chapter of ATOG where people finally thank them for it. You realise how much they can do. Idols aren’t just some obsession. For some people, they’re the reason they’re alive.

And yes, you should thank them for that. We love them for that. I guess that fandom gets that like no others. I was kind of crying while reading their stories, but of course, I ended up laughing. Why?

he belongs with puckzilla :(

Chapter 34

"Sheet," she greets them with. "Mop."

I love you, Agent Sylvester.

"This way. Pleasant journey?" "You don't care," the Ghost says, Phalanx walking easy at his side after her. "No I don't." she confirms, striding on ahead of them. Five years on, they still don't really know how to navigate life under the unpredictable aegis of Agent Sue Sylvester.

You now get Kurt and Blaine’s POV of the last five years (not the musical), and it’s a bit different to them than to the fandom.

Five years on almost to the day that Blaine asked Kurt to marry him and Kurt, unpredictable, unimaginable Kurt, the man whose existence remains a mystery and miracle to Blaine every single day, said yes. Five years since they became Kurt-the-Ghost-Hummel, Blaine-Phalanx-Anderson, five years since their masks became a matter more of symbol than of safety. Five very long years of late nights and busy days, because they mean too much to people to ever be allowed to just be themselves, now; five years of all the politics of being super and gay in America today, five years of interviews and campaigning and photographers never leaving them alone and never being able to bring themselves to say no to charity work, five years of the tabloids and Twitter almost more dangerous to them than supervillains, five very long years in which they've worn each other's rings and never doubted their decision, not once, because the possibility of death every single night - and a slip of metal on the finger to confirm what actually matters - really keeps their priorities on their minds.

Like I said, their old lives are dead.

This is life now.

Let’s make the most of it, eh?

Three years ago, the night that both Blaine and Burt Hummel had been waiting for ever since they both found out that the person underneath that cloak was Kurt. Three years ago the night that they got separated but they knew what they were doing, they weren't panicking, Phalanx didn't rush to be back at his side. Three years ago that they interrupted a gang fight, and the Ghost found that the only thing he had to put between a fourteen year old kid and a gun was himself.

So much has happened in five years. The Ghost has been doing it for 12 years now, and Phalanx for 7.

"You could have told me," was the first dry cracked thing he managed to whisper out, while Blaine stroked his cheeks, and watched his face from so urgently close, his still-here husband, alive in his hands. "What, angel?" he'd whispered back. Kurt swallowed, awkward with difficulty, and mumbled, "Being shot hurts." and then his breath of a laugh kicked him into a cough and Blaine told him not to and wanted to cry.

Yeah, life is weird, but everyone’s somewhat okay. They’ve managed to make it work. Their families are protected, their friends are working, the complex still exists.

He's Kurt's press guy. Even when he thinks he can't he still handles it, for him. When Kurt needs it, he always finds enough strength to still be his shield.

And family... it’s important. They’re about to find out why.

This marriage, and he knows it, is the best and most solid thing in both of their lives, those rings on their fingers trail the ghosts after them everywhere they go of the things they can never forget, the thing they can never forget, that nothing else can ever mean more to them than the other does. Blaine wants Kurt to haunt him forever. Blaine wants him to haunt him until they're both ghosts, nothing less will ever satisfy the hunger in his heart for him, the always-way he every day needs him, the ever ever ever of the after that he needs . . .

So many quotes, but they all matter.

Family.

Matters.

"Julio," Kurt says, very quietly. Blaine has to swallow down something so sore to say, because he does know that someone has to say it, "We ought to talk about this." "Mm," Kurt says, shifting his arm to hold Julio more securely to his chest. Both of them already know that that's all the talking about it that they'll ever do.

Kurt and Blaine... and Julio.

It’s right.

It all feels so right, like wow fuck. Kurt’s a different man now, and different enough to even talk to Will fucking Schuester of all people. But just like Incendiary all those years ago, the Ghost knows people need to talk sometimes.

Will looks back at him, face very still. Kurt wonders how many times someone has genuinely thanked that man, in his life.

Julio.

He’s theirs.

Rewind such little time and it was him and Blaine, dressing in their costumes, summoned to the complex for something almost inevitably dangerous and draining. Rewind such little time and he was marrying him, love of his life, making the two of them a we, forever. Rewind such little time and he watched him from underneath a dark hood, so afraid of what trust might cost him, so afraid of how that man could hurt him, so afraid . . . Rewind such little time and he was just a boy, alone, with no idea what he was doing except the things he had to do. Now he looks up and Blaine is looking down at them, hand on Kurt's shoulder just in case - he always trusts him to ghost him if he needs it - and the way he's looking at him. At them. At Kurt and Julio. At Kurt and their baby.

I am very emotional about this, okay.

Most grandparents get some warning. They know about the pregnancy, adoption is discussed, they get some warning. Kurt never does what's expected. Burt knows he could take his time but like hell he's going to take his time, he's a grandparent, just like that, his son is a father. Only thing he stops for on his way to the airport is the toy store; it's still a few hours before he's finally driven to that creepy base of theirs by agents, kind of nervous now, anxious, he remembers doing this in a hospital, waiting for the first glimpse while she gritted her teeth and snarled the scream and squeezed his hand so tight that his bones still remember it .

KURT SINGING BEATLES.

Biology couldn't make Kurt love that baby more.

I guess that this touched me the most. As someone who’s adopted and also spent a lot of time today thinking about adoption (I blame the wonderful girls of the Hearing Verse: Mei, Maddy, and Li), this just hit me a lot.

"We called Santana because we want him to grow up knowing Spanish and neither of us are fluent, and she yelled at us a while about how we can't just adopt a baby without thinking about it but then she went quiet and hung up I think to tell the entire rest of the team so they might all turn up tomorrow, we don't really know what's going to happen, we kind of - I put a statement out for the internet, we just went into a baby-bubble, he's really full-on, I think we'll kind of get more time to do other things when Kurt can stop needing to watch him sleep all the time like that? Because then we could sleep which would be -" he starts yawning again - "- amazing -"

Same for this, okay. It means so much to me that Kurt and Blaine still want to give Julio some connections with his past and his culture. Yeah, I tried learing Chinese, and I gave up, but it is so nice knowing my parents gave me that option in the first place (and I’m thinking about picking it up again).

And just like that, the story ends. In the best way possible, it ends with the internet.

A photograph of his back, hood down, head turned just slightly to the little dark baby's head tucked to the cloak over his shoulder. Only his eye in the mask watching the baby's face is visible; it's still obvious how he's smiling. Paternity leave. We'll let you guys know when we're back when we have half a clue ourselves. The family is very, very, very, very, very happy :) Blaine touches his back as he climbs into bed, sees the tired cracking of his eyes and kisses him on one to make him close it before it opens, and gets the lamp; and all around them, unheard in the silence, unseen in the dark, the ghost of the internet roars.

I know, judging from rainjoy’s long author comment, that some thought this ending was not what they expected and that it’s kinda heteronormative, but I agree with rainjoy.

Why do only straight people get happy endings like this?

Why are happy endings like this automatically seen as heteronormative in the first place?

The ending is quite open, because you really do not know what’s going to happen next. The Ghost and Phalanx are unpredictable and the story ends on a high note, but on an open one too.

Another thing I liked from the author’s note is that rainjoy admits that there’s no given reason for Kurt’s problem 1. Just like Kurt and Blaine, you will never find out why this happened.

But just like Kurt and Blaine, you make peace with that.

I could say more about that author’s note, but really, all of that has been said before by me. This story... just... holy shit.

I wish I could find the words to describe this. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Grey is the only fanfic I call literature.

I want to be more elaborate, but I can’t. Maybe, after all this not toned-down stuff, I should just use the words of the fandom: OMFG I CANNOT EVNEJ FC I M CRTINGG????? PLS SEND HELPPP

#lb 2017 #the great atog reread #i feel dead inside #lb reading #atog grey

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themostrandomfandom · 7 years ago

Note

Hey, how do you think Brittany and Santana being intimate with each other changed when they officialy started dating? I mean, we know that prior to that they still had more than just sex, they were cuddling and kissing each other's neck very very tenderly. Also we can safely assume that it was much better for Santana than it was with guys. Just like we know that Santana didn't do it because she needed something warm to digest her food, (Part 1)

i also don’t believe that she prefred doing it without eye contact. And sure, even if unspoken, there were a lot of feelings there. So what DID change? Also, do you think they were comfortable enough to experiment in that field with different kind of things before they admitted they loved each other or was it too much of gay panic for Santana? I hope it’s not uncomfortable for you to answer 😅 thank you (: (part 2)

DISCLAIMER: Here be talk about sex. Read at your own discretion.

Hey!

So I’m going to start out by saying that my whole understanding of Brittana’s sex life during S1 and S2 is firmly rooted in these two wonderful fics, which I very highly recommend and would suggest you read because they provide better and deeper insights into this topic than I ever could.

Note that the author has retired from fandom. Please respect her privacy while you enjoy her archived work.

Starting from there:

I tend to believe that despite what Santana tries to pretend (and despite the Glee writing staff’s overfondness for the term “scissoring”), even prior to the Hurt Locker, Brittana’s intimate encounters tend to be on the affectionate side.

While the girls undoubtedly sometimes scissor or even just plain fuck each other, there is a reason why Brittany’s chosen adjective to describe their interactions is “sweet”—and there is also a reason why Brittany knows that Santana is in love with her even though Santana keeps loudly protesting that she isn’t.

Baby Girl can talk about lizards and football players all she wants, but at the end of the day, the fact is that her actions speak louder than her words.

The reason that Brittany can be so reasonably certain that Santana is in love with her even before Santana is willing to admit as much is that Santana treats Brittany in a demonstrably loving way when they’re alone together—especially within the context of the bedroom.

What Santana won’t say with her words, she can’t help but say with her body language, and for as fluent in physicality as Brittany is, Brittany has no trouble parsing out just what it is Santana is actually telling her.

As I discuss elsewhere,

Santana behaves aggressively when she seduces Finn, and one can only imagine that her relations with Puck are anything but affectionate based on the disdain she shows for him in episodes 1x03 and 1x18. Given her behavior towards them, there is no way that either Finn or Puck could ever confuse their sexual encounters with Santana for love or even liking.

If there were nothing which differentiated Santana’s sexual behavior with boys like Puck and Finn from her sexual behavior with Brittany, Brittany wouldn’t have any reason to feel confused about the nature of her and Santana’s sexual relationship. She would just know, as Puck and Finn do, that Santana is only interested in her on a physical level, and there are no deeper feelings there.

But there is something fundamentally different about Santana’s sexual behavior with Brittany versus her sexual behavior with male partners, and that thing is intimacy itself. The physical gestures Santana makes to Finn and Puck are meaningless, but the gestures she makes to Brittany are not only meaningful but have a highly specific meaning—namely, “I love you.”

That being the case, it is no wonder that Brittany, who—at least with Santana—is never anything but honest, feels confused by the mixed physical versus verbal messages that Santana sends her. Ultimately, what Brittany seems to realize that Santana doesn’t is that there is a discrepancy between what Santana says with her body and what Santana says with her words.

Like I discuss in this post, though Santana takes a long time to consciously acknowledge her love for Brittany, the love itself is there from the very start, and, on a subconscious level, Santana knows as much.

Though her mouth may be saying “I’m not making out with you because I’m in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies,” that’s not how her body is behaving. The kisses she’s pressing to Brittany’s neck are soft. Her touches to Brittany’s skin are gentle. She’s trying to make Brittany feel good and is far and away succeeding. She’s not being mean or self-interested in the same way she would be with a boy.

There’s no doubt about it: She is making love.

Now, that said, even though Santana can’t really help but betray her feelings for Brittany when they’re in bed together, she still gives her best good ol’ college try at obfuscating the truth.

Though the only evidences I have on which to base my claim are the bedroom scene in episode 2x04 and the Flirt Locker scene in 2x15, I tend to think that pre-Hurt Locker, Santana is frequently the initiator when she and Brittany get intimate. She’s the one who sets the tone and the pace because doing so allows her to feel more in control.

For her part, Brittany allows Santana to be in the driver’s seat because that’s her m.o. at this point in her development: going along to get along and not doing anything to upset the delicate balance between her and Santana.

In order to remain in control, Santana requires that she and Brittany play by a very specific set of sexual rules:

They are not to sexually monogamous with each other. They always have to have sex with boys on the side, at least intermittently.

No conversation during.

No eye contact, either.

If Brittany tries to make anything of what they’re doing, then they’re done for the night, and Santana will bounce.

Though they can use their sexual relationship to titillate boys, they have to do so in a very particular way. Whatever they reveal has to be provocative, not demonstrative. Sweet lady kisses are for them only. Everything else has got to be a hot, hard show.

The thing is that Santana is a reactive person (see here), meaning that she exhibits a great degree of emotional and physical response to external stimuli, and she knows this fact about herself.

Simply put, it doesn’t take a lot to get Baby Girl riled up, to make her cry when she’s upset or fly off the handle when she’s angry or melt into a puddle of mush when she’s happy and contented and in love. It’s been that way her whole life, and she’s had to learn to work around this trait as she has clawed and scrapped her way up the social ladder.

For as cutthroat as the American public school system can be, it is in Santana’s best interest never to reveal the true depth of her emotions. She doesn’t want to be that kid who wears her heart on her sleeve, not when a heart can so easily be broken.

She carries this mindset into the bedroom with Brittany because for as much as she trusts Brittany, she doesn’t trust the wider world outside of them or even herself, and she can’t risk doing or saying something to Brittany that might eventually get her into trouble later on.

Santana is never more vulnerable than she is in Brittany’s arms, and she knows deep in her gut that if she were to gaze too deeply into Brittany’s eyes while they were making love having sex, she might blurt out words that she couldn’t take back. That’s why she claims that sex is better without eye contact.

Ditto for the moratorium on pillow talk.

She just can’t risk bringing feelings into the bedroom even more than she already has, not when she might accidentally slip and reveal something she’s not ready to face up to.

It’s a complicated dance, and it’s why for years Santana perpetuates the same cycle over and over again, one in which she turns to Brittany for comfort and affection, then panics once she realizes just how close she is to crossing a line, and subsequently throws herself at a male sexual partner to “reassert her heterosexuality.” Since her relationships with male sexual partners are doomed from the start, sooner or later they end up crashing and burning, and, when they do, she turns right back to Brittany, starting the cycle fresh.

Baby Girl is in a state of internal war with herself, with all these feelings—feelings for Britt—pushing up hard against the walls of her heart, desperate to pour out, while at the same time her head keeps screaming at her that she shouldn’t be feeling the things that she’s feeling or enjoying the things she’s enjoying.

Often, the feelings win out, and she’ll just give over to them, showering Brittany with all the affection and care that she feels inside, but she never allows herself to go on that way very long. She always has to rein herself in and pull back.

Nowhere is this pattern of behavior more evident than in the bedroom scene of episode 2x04, when Santana goes from pressing delicate butterfly kisses to Brittany’s neck to meanly telling Brittany that she’s just a temporary substitute for Puck all in a matter of seconds.

But just like Santana finds it increasingly difficult over the course of her junior year to go on pretending that Brittany is “just her best friend,” she also finds it increasingly difficult to pretend that her sex with Brittany is just sex.

Like I discuss elsewhere,

Perhaps ironically, when Santana felt assured that her sexual relationship with Brittany did mean something but wasn’t yet ready to admit as much, she could pretend it meant nothing. But now that Santana isn’t sure what her sexual relationship with Brittany means and she stands on the verge of finally admitting that she wants it to mean something, she durst not pretend that it means nothing, for fear that that might actually be true in Brittany’s case.

In the past, Santana always maintained that their best friendship and their sexual relationship were two completely separate things, and that neither one of them had anything to do with romantic love (“I’m not making out with you because I’m in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies”); however, the fact that Santana could not maintain a basic friendship with Brittany once Brittany started dating Artie speaks to the fact that, for Santana, a link exists between sex and friendship with Brittany—essentially, at this point, she cannot have one without the other.

To continue on from another analysis,

Particularly as Brittany starts dating Artie and Santana is left miserable and pining, she can’t just pretend that everything is okay. If Brittany were “just” her best friend, then they would be able to continue their friendship even with Brittany having a boyfriend. But they can’t. They either don’t talk at all, or they end up sleeping with each other on the side. The whole time, Santana feels awful inside. She just wants Brittany back, and she can’t deny why she does.

—which is why I tend to think that the first big step towards Brittana changing their patterns of intimacy occurs circa the Hurt Locker, when Santana finally admits to Brittany that her interest in their relationship runs more than skin deep, finally saying the words “I love you” out loud.

That moment is a watershed not because it’s a new revelation to either girl—both of them have always in their own ways known—but because it finally makes an explicit connection between sweet lady kisses and feelings, which is something that Santana has been denying for so long.

The question then becomes, what changes going forward? Is Brittana’s first time post-Hurt Locker markedly different from the way things were before?

As is so often the answer, “Yes and no.”

Brittana already know how to make love long before they say “I love you,” but they do so under Santana’s rules, never acknowledging the significance of what they’re doing or admitting aloud that there are feelings underlying their actions. There are gentle caresses, sweet kisses, and careful, concerned touches between them galore, but there is also no eye contact, no acknowledgments, and no exclusivity.

I tend to think that those are the things that change—that once Santana finally cops to her feelings, her old rules go out the window, and she can’t help but be more open to and vulnerable with Brittany.

All of a suddden, they are monogamous. All of a sudden, they can talk and make eye contact. Brittany can now initiate their encounters and fully express herself without fear of upsetting Santana. What happens between them is now just for them and never for the boys on the football team. Everything between them is suddenly infinitely more honest.

Back when S2 was still originally airing, a lot of a fic writers imagined the beauty of a “first time with eye contact” between the girls. I tend to believe that’s something that probably happens at some point during the canon timeline—that sometime during the Back Six, after the Hurt, Dirt, Shirt, and Blurt Lockers, Brittana finally get together again for the first time in months, and Santana can’t help but stare lovingly at Brittany the whole time they’re together because it’s a pleasure she’s denied herself for so long.

I also tend to think that whereas pre-Hurt Locker, Santana often runs the show in the bedroom—not that she always necessarily tops but that she tends to initiate and dictate the pace—afterwards, once she starts being honest about her feelings, she finds that she can willingly relinquish some of that control and allow Brittany to lead her, and it’s okay. She relaxes both body and heart, and, when she does, she finds that she can be more “in the moment,” which proves to be a good thing for both her and Britt.

In regards to the prospect of Brittana experimenting, I think they may try some different things during the pre-Hurt Locker days but always under the guise of the experiments being sexy, harmless fun rather than an exercise in trust or a way to strengthen their bond with each other.

Licking whipped cream off each other? Sure. Staging an elaborate romantic personal fantasy scenario? No.

As long as the experiment allows Santana to maintain the illusion that what she and Brittany are doing is purely physical, she can be cool with it, but if it requires her to acknowledge feelings or get close to breaking her personal rules, she shoots the possibility down, because, as discussed above, there was no way she is going to even get close to crossing those lines—not before she’s ready to.

Once she finally comes to terms with how she feels, she probably also relaxes a bit when it comes to what she’s willing to try.

Just as a matter of personal headcanon, I feel like Santana probably doesn’t allow for much oral sex pre-episode 2x15 because she feels like having Brittany close to her in that way is just too intimate. The first time she lets Brittany eat her out post-episode 2x15 represents an amazing act of trust on her part. It also is part of her coming to terms with her own sexuality.

Per the headcanon, one of the main reasons why Santana so opposes oral to begin with is because she feels like if she crosses that line, it will confirm that she really is gay, and she just isn’t ready to make that concession yet. It’s one thing to scissor or to use fingers, but letting another girl eat one out is something else entirely. It takes her a long time to get to a place where she’s okay owning that aspect of her sexuality.

In terms of what may change between Brittana specifically once they start officially dating in S3, the biggest thing I see is nonsexual in itself, though it goes hand-in-hand with their evolving sexual dynamic: Post-episode 2x22, the girls pretty much stop linking pinkies in favor of holding hands, showing that they are increasingly taking ownership of their feelings for and relationship with each other, in this case even in a public context.

Along those same lines, I think that as time goes on, Santana gets more and more comfortable engaging in PDA with Brittany—not in the bombastic, performative, “for the male gaze” way she used to when she would make out with Brittany just to titillate boys, but in an organic, “This is my girlfriend/wife, and I love her, so I’m going to express it” way that allows her to initiate handholding and quick pecks and wrapping her arms around Brittany’s waist when they’re standing in line together outside the movies.

It’s all a process, and it starts with Santana finally allowing herself to call a spade a spade—or, in this case, making love, making love.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got.

Thanks for the question!

#Crazy Brittanalyst answers #dive-right-into-you #It's something about the hyphens in your URL that makes it so I can't @ you #I don't know why because I can often @ other people whose URLs are hyphenated #but in your case the second I hit that first dash it stops recognizing the hyperlink #Idk why tumblr is so finnicky sometimes

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