#I planned to take a little brake to make up for my academic debts but I saw Knuckles and went full on I love you so much

[yarmiko-art]

Not Kirby-related but-- I FUCKING LOVE KNUCKLES  Sonic Frontiers Prology dropped and I`m in love. Give me some of that Echidna lore, I`m tired of thriving only on Sonic Chronicles. THIS is the Knuckles I know This is Knuckles I love

[kerice]

Painful Memories...

I came across some old photos. Some of my wedding. I can look at these pictures now with less emotion. There is sadness but I really can’t identify with that person in the photo anymore. Does this mean I have detached myself? I remember being there. Have I healed from the wounds that are still painful to mention? This day, more than 17 years ago, was a start of a major trial in my life. Having the courage to work through the pain of recovery has helped give me the drive and tenacity to overcome financial debt and to succeed in school. 

My academic journey started back in 1996, academic achievement did not come easy to me in high school, but I wanted to get a good job, so a few years after high school I started classes at Seattle Central College, in Seattle Washington. I then had a child at age 25 and I became a single mom. I am always inspired by women who say that without hesitation, trepidation or feeling less than women who have a partner. When my son was about three years old, I transferred to Bellevue College. They had a work study program where I could work at the school daycare (where my son was) and also work on my career goals, while having my son close. Due to the early birth of my second son on Nov. 27th, I was unable to finish my last two weeks of course work in the fall of 2003. As a result, I received a failed grade in my personal enrichment courses of French 201 and Algebra II. However my GPA for my science classes were within the range they needed to be. But, even so, I had to quit my job and dropped out of college since my son was born two weeks before the final exams. 

On the day of the wedding, It was a beautiful, warm day in September 2004, I remember, the kids were dancing and laughing, the lakeside property was gorgeous. I remember my family and friends being around me, it felt like a different life. I don’t like going back in my thoughts. The pain of those memories has become less as time’s gone on. To go from such a happy day celebrating with the person I wanted to live my life with to days later, almost losing my life to this person. This is a story, no one wants to tell. Four days after my wedding, I was a victim of a road rage incident, where I was physically assaulted and (along with my infant son) nearly killed. My husband of four days was charged with reckless endangerment and assault and then arrested. A passerby had seen the incident and called 911. I still can’t believe this happened to me. He never apologized for what he had put us through, we never saw him again except at a distance. I then started therapy for the physical pain that was inflicted on me, the emotional pain would be a much longer process of healing.

When you go through the family court system and testify in front of everyone, what you go through, it is very difficult. After the shock wears off, the shame sets in, it’s hard to talk about. They (the court advocates) encourage you to talk, saying that it saves lives. I felt lost and defeated. I was forced to go through court ordered therapy, which I knew, any invasive findings would be broadcast in court. I had to acknowledge other incidences of abuse that led up to the escalation to the road rage. I was faced with the reality of my own denial of what was happening to me. The excuses I would make to myself. He was just stressed out. Maybe it was a psychotic break? I couldn’t be objective or logical enough to begin to imagine why someone would do such things to a person they profess to love. I didn’t want a stomach ulcer on top of everything else. I was able to get a pro bono attorney for the first trial.  But after my ex-husband went to domestic violence treatment, there was a new trial. This was because, where there is “abusive use of conflict,” the courts don’t allow mediation to settle parenting plans. This put me in financial peril, and I have struggled financially  ever since. 

It’s been many years since the assault and arrest. I was vilified and blamed for what caused our separation to our community and friends. According to his account, it was all an exaggeration, a misunderstanding. I heard him say in court that I was crazy, emotionally unbalanced. Especially during the child custody proceedings. I was so afraid of him and what he would do to me. I couldn’t even comprehend fully what he was doing, who he even was. Was he my enemy now? He blamed me for getting him arrested, even though I had not been the one who called the police, but an anonymous stranger did! I felt alone, scared, traumatized. I hated having to go through the court hearings and hear the venomous words coming from him and his attorney. It made me feel crazy, out of my mind. I had to get away, I saw him everywhere, I was always looking over my shoulder. Sudden movements would make me jump. Flashes of the trauma would enter my mind. While driving my car, when I would see brake lights I would tense up and my heart would skip a beat. How could I even co-parent with this person? My Post Traumatic Stress was keeping me from moving beyond what happened to me, keeping me from moving forward. But I knew I had to somehow keep it together and be strong for my children. 

After the divorce, I was given permission to move out of state. In 2007, my brother, who lived in Northern Kentucky, offered me a job. Because of this, I was able to move out of state with my children. I am so grateful to my brother for his help in this transition. During this time, my father had entered retirement from the military out on the west coast. He and my mother were planning on moving to Cincinnati to help my brother with his business. The timing of the move was good since we would be able to have the support of my family, during this time of healing and transition. Upon my move, my ex was continuing to file motions at the Seattle court house. I had to hire an attorney, from out of state, to represent me and to respond to every motion filed. Within 5 years, he filed 12 motions that were all dismissed for lack of credibility. Even though he was ordered to pay my attorney’s fees, these orders were not enforced, therefore leading me to incur much debt over the years. With the two divorce trials costing $40,000 and the additional $10,000, my finances were in trouble. I had to ask my parents for help with these huge costs. Two years after the divorce, he stopped paying child support and my daycare costs exceeded $6,000. I had to ask my parents for help with the kids, which allowed me to work more hours to pay my debts. I have been used to working two or sometimes three jobs to get a handle on my finances. In 2015 I was able to receive vocational training so I could earn more per hour. 

I am a single parent living in the Cincinnati area for almost 14 years now. After much healing and hard work, I am anxious to continue my academic career goals. I am the proud parent of two well-adjusted young adults and I’ve had much experience juggling work, school and parenting. I also became the caretaker of my grandmother the last year of her life. In which I moved her into my home with my two children. During this time, as I partnered with the hospice care staff, I assisted in many nursing responsibilities. Reflecting back on this now, I feel that nursing is the field I belong in. During my time in Cosmetology school, I took on another caretaking job. I did this while managing my other full-time job. Then in 2018, I enrolled in an accelerated program at the Cincinnati School of Medical Massage. Where we had rigorous course work in A&P and Pathology. I also became a personal care assistant in 2018. I also currently work as a licensed Cosmetologist and LMT, as well as an STNA. 

I am happy to say that my domestic partner and fiancé is supportive of my desire to finish my nursing education. Over time I had developed a tougher exterior, not able to readily identify with my feelings. I was so guarded, out of necessity. An armor of survival. I find it more difficult to make friends, especially deep friendships that take invested time and effort. Letting people in feels too high of a risk at times, as the emotional scars surface. Where I attended massage school, they taught us what it means to be “semi-permeable.” The idea of boundary lines that define your personal space and the space for the client. If you are too closed off, then you won’t be able to tune into anyone else’s needs. This was a wonderful exercise for me in many ways. It’s helped me in my relationship with my children as well. In the past, I’ve heard awful comments directed towards me, anywhere from saying that I am a bad mother, to questions like, why didn’t I just get an abortion. Being on the other end of the parenthood journey, with my kids entering the adult world, I would say it was worth the pain, the struggle. We persevered, we are all tough as nails, I can see it from the work ethic my kids have. Even in the most ideal circumstances, children can still have issues. But seeing the love for me in their eyes is very moving. Watching them run around, playing and laughing is like watching my heart dancing outside of me. I wish that some things had been different for them. But through the struggle, we established a strong bond, which I believe will last for years to come. I don’t know who made this quote but it sums up so much. “A son makes love stronger, days shorter, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for.” 

This trial has taught me to not be too quick to dismiss the notion that real love does heal our wounds. In my younger years I would have thought of that notion too trite. Having my children with me in my life has given me profound purpose and meaning. As small children, they looked to me as their constant, their calming force. They were my purpose for staying strong, stoic, steady. When they were little and even now, I give them my continued support. Also, it took me years of being single to allow myself to fall in love again. I feel thankful to my family and to my God that I have another chance at a lifetime partnership. So much healing has taken place but the memories in the emotions are still there. The muscle memories within the physical scars, are still there.

I see what those court advocate where talking about, all those years ago. I have come through the pain of a trial that allows me to empathize with the profound pain of others. Sharing my pain can save lives, or at least meeting others at their depths, so they feel less alone. Not that I have the answers, only the experience in the struggle to survive. I believe now, as a nurse (or soon to be) I can come along side someone and show them I understand what it’s like to be in pain. I can better understand where they’re at because of what I’ve been through. Not everyone is ready to hear a story like mine. A lot of times i get the, “ wide eyed, gaping mouth” reaction. But sometimes I meet someone who says, that it was what they needed to hear. It gives them the courage to set out on their own journey of survival. To start fresh, to start over if that’s what is necessary to start the healing process. As a massage therapist I deal with people and their physical pain all the time. I build care plans around strategies to begin the healing process. Many times, the physical pain is locked up with emotional pain underneath. I understand this, as I am there with them, letting them cry through their trauma. It’s a process that I feel privileged using my skills and abilities to aid in the healing.

[goaltracker]

February goal-tracking: 2/18/19

let’s do this

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Academic Growth

Objective: Finish work quickly, efficiently, and impressively.

Measurement: Complete all homework, mandatory and recommended readings, and projects during the weekdays to have open weekends available.

Update: I’ll finish all homework by this Friday. 

Objective: Engage in class by speaking to teacher or at class at least once every class.

Measurement: Answer teacher or student questions directly to add value to discussion. This month, we’re making an impression, but in a cool way.

Update: I’ve been participating every class session. I think my last email may have been a little rude, so I’ll see if I can find a way to say thank you next time I’m in class. Also, I’ll email Britta if I don’t get a response by tomorrow afternoon. 

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Personal Growth

Objective: Care for my cat. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: Buy him Frontline for 3 months. Continue 15 minutes of TLC every night.

Update: I’ve bought him Frontline PLUS! I’ve taken him to the groomers. He still has fleas. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t really have money for the vet. Every night I sit with him and kill fleas. I hope he knows I love him. 

Objective: Care for my car. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: Get brake pads replaced as soon as fiscally possible. Continue cleaning out trash daily.

Update: I got new brake pads, new brake motors, and fixed a nail in my tire. I paid more than I budgeted for but at least my car is doing good. 

Objective: Read daily. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: Finish novela this month by reading a chapter every month. After, if I want to, I can start on Jackie’s book club book.

Update: I’ve been reading El Vendedor de Sueños but not every night. I do plan on finishing it this month but I don’t think I’ll be able to read Jackie’s book. I do want to get the Audible link to Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” so I can listen to that in the car. 

Objective: I will write weekly.

Measurement: Write either a fan fiction piece or scene for The Unlikeables by Sunday.

Update: I’ve written once. I’m hoping to write twice this week to catch up. I’ve been writing fanfiction because I’m not up for world-building or character-building. 

Objective: Connect with family and friends more. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: Continue to either call, text, or DM a family or friend. Call abuelita, Cande guys, and Cynthia sometime this month.

Update: I have to write this in my planner because I forget to do this. 

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Professional Growth

Objective: I will be at least 2 minutes early to every shift. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: Continue leaving my location with plenty of time to get to my next destination without speeding and taking traffic into consideration. I will make sure to leave enough time for my lunch and breaks.

Update: I think I’ve been doing this alright? I haven’t thought too hard on this, my schedule has been consistently changing last week, so I hope to set a good pattern. 

Objective: Build tutor clientele for at least 5 hours a week. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: I have a general 4 hours per week tutoring without cancellations. Seek one more 2 hour client. Preferably on the weekdays and in Santa Cruz.

Update: I’m not sure how to do this. Should I repost the ad again? 

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Physical Growth

(still slow, still okay!)

Objective: I will eat three meals every day.

Measurement: Eat breakfast between 7-9am, lunch between 12-3pm, and dinner by 6-8pm. Healthy snacks after 10pm.

Update: This flies out the window on the weekends. I skip breakfast and have dinner at like 11pm. I’ll be more aware of this when the time comes. I’ll also make sure to prepare lunch on days I’m out all day. 

Objective: I will exercise daily.

Measurement: Continue indoor exercise habits, doing 2 rounds through. Add two different arm-focused workouts.

Update: I have had guests. I’ve been sick. I have the excuses. I’ll start again tomorrow. 

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Spiritual and Mental Growth

Objective: Attend church weekly. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: Attend either 5:30pm Spanish session or 6pm Youth Group. See which one I would like to devote to.

Update: I have not been going. I’ll work to do better. 

Objective: Read the bible daily.

Measurement: Read the bible every morning before starting the day.

Update: I have not been doing this, I’ve forgotten. I’ll try to do better. 

Objective: Attend meditation class weekly. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: Continue consistently to 7pm classes on Tuesdays.

Update: Been bad, but I plan on going this Tuesday. But! I have been invited to a meditation seminar and a dharma talk on Sunday! I’m hoping to go!

Objective: See therapist monthly. (Continued from last month)

Measurement: This may be excused if budget doesn’t allow it this month. Update Anji that appointments will be monthly now.

Update: I have not gone and am not planning on going this month because it’s not in the budget. But I’m going to email Anji to set up an appointment for March for sure. 

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Financial Growth

Objective: Budget (Continued from last month)

Measurement: With first check, I will budget out brake pads change and Frontline Plus for cat. I will pay car, car insurance, PG&E, xfinity, and first student loan. Then $40 CASA, $60 gas, $100 food. Remaining will be paid to credit card debt. Second check will go to rent, second student loan, and phone.

Update: I budgeted $300 for brake pads, I ended up paying over $450. I will pay my portion of Xfinity and PG&E with my next paycheck and will be hounding girls for money to pay on time and not use my money to pay. I paid $200 on Paypal but nothing on Capital One. I’m going to see what I can pay with my next paycheck. No more going out for drinks or eating out until next paycheck, unless it’s with Vivian or a coworker outside Tania (because we’ve already gone out to spend, no discrimination). 

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Alright, let’s keep going.