#I organise a lot of big events and grew up in a house with parents in a wedding planning related field okay

[midnight-els]

my friend told me it was really important to her that everyone was getting a +1 to her wedding but my invite doesn't have one so apparently I'm just so chronically, haplessly single that it's assumed I won't use it lmao thx 💀

[deonideatta]

It's not peak brain hours for me rn, so I'm going to write everything about the sunah-mjh conspiracy and what it implies (or at least how I understand it) out to organise it in my head. Pls correct me if I've gotten anything wrong or missed anything

So all in all the goal was to plant ga on as a spy/weakness using isaac's face as an in. At first I thought that mjh had been the one to steer ga on towards being a judge, and I still think that's possible, but I don't think he approached ga on solely with the intent to use him tho. Based on his face at the graduation it seems he already knew her before that. She probably approached him and offered him a position as chief justice in exchange for manipulating ga on. (Also, what's his deal resigning then? What does he really want out of all of this?). I don't think he took care of ga on after his parents died solely for that reason tho, bc i think he's established as a friend of ga on's father, which is how they came to know each other.

Ga on would then be used to attack yohan in the future. On a basic level that meant feeding information back to mjh/acquiring evidence of yohan's shady dealings so they could take him down. Along the line yohan and ga on kinda grew attached to each other, which threw off the plan bc now ga on wasn't willing to betray yohan for mjh. However on a deeper level ga on was meant to serve as a weakness for yohan, emotionally, which was made more possible by them getting closer.

Mjh then uses soo hyun to plant doubts in ga on's mind surrounding the church fire. Then, they kill off soo hyun, and mjh uses soo hyun's death and the church fire to plant suspiscion. Yohan pushes ga on off the edge in the end with the death penalty thing, and mjh takes the opportunity to collect the returns on his investment, talking ga on into outing the court as fake. So in the end ga on's attachment to yohan ends up being beneficial to sunah-mjh, bc it drives him to reveal the truth so he can stop yohan from going too far.

It seems like things are over for yohan, but then it turns out the public still supports him, to the point of wanting to make him president. Deciding to go in for the kill, sun ah-mjh trick ga on into thinking yohan did the church fire and killed soo hyun, prompting the stabbing. Now it seems sun ah did this for the added emotional blow, bc she could have just framed yohan and left it at that. Rather she chooses to target what's closest to him, the two people he cares about most. And we reach the tragic conclusion.

Now, what does this mean for ga on's character? We know that at least his friendship with soo hyun came about free from sun ah's plans. It predated his relationship with mjh, so at least we can assume that his interactions with soo hyun were genuine, and her advice to him was as well, though it may have been influenced by mjh. We know that Ga on becoming yohan's associate judge was not a coincidence, but it's not clear if ga on going to the kang mansion was intended by sunahmjh, bc though we know that the foundation planted the bomb it would be a bit of a gamble to assume it would lead to yohan taking ga on to his house. Either way the closeness achieved there and the drive to help yohan and elijah and feel sympathy for them are all things ga on did on his own

As for ga on choosing to side with yohan over mjh. I don't think this was in the plan, bc obviously if ga on changes sides he'll stop leaking info to mjh. So we can assume that that was ga on's decision, influenced of course by yohan. Funny how we all analysed the ways that yohan manipulated ga on while the real manipulation was coming from mjh lol. Then again, while it might not serve mjh's agenda (whatever that is, we actually don't know) it also serves sun ah's agenda in that it makes ga on more of a weakness to yohan, as he grows fonder of him.

I also dont think sunah-mjh accounted for ga on's dark side. Yohan drew that out, and used it to convince ga on of his way of doing things. It seems mjh did put a lot of effort into making ga on the poster boy of 'righteousness', so that he would remain at odds with yohan, so obviously it doesn't work in his favour to have ga on secretly have a dark side that relates to yohan. Additionally, there's no way mjh or sun ah played a role in ga on's parents' death (or is there..? Mjh has been mentioned to be a friend of ga on's father. hmmm), so whatever effects that had on him (I.e. his thirst for revenge) would have been out of their control.

It seems though that when ga on went to yohan's side, they simply changed the plan to account for it. Sow seeds of doubt via soo hyun, then kill soo hyun and make it look like yohan did it. And then yohan himself inadvertently helped by busting out the whole death penalty. In the end it worked out even better for them, bc ga on gained a lot more insider knowledge by going to yohan's side, and again, his concern for yohan also spurred him into action in order to stop yohan from crossing a line he couldn't uncross, the only way that seemed available.

And then when the situation seems to be turning in yohan's favour, they decide to deliver the final blow, both to him and to ga on. It's devastating to yohan because it targets the two people he cares about most, and threatens to reveal the secret he has sacrificed so much to keep, for elijah's sake. And it's devastating to ga on because suddenly it puts his whole life into question, and he's suddenly faced with the realization that a lot of what he's done had been carefully laid out for him in advance, that a lot of his life has been a tool in someone's big plan. And in the process he has lost all the things he had that were real: his relationships with soo hyun, yohan and elijah. Imagine the weight of realising that all the choices you agonised over, that you made because you believed you were doing the right thing, turn out to be the result of careful manipulation from someone you trusted like a parental figure, and that all the things that could have stopped the force behind that figure have been destroyed because of you and those choices.

Overall it's a very insidious and downright evil plan, especially because it hinged a lot on taking advantage of a young man lost in the wake of tragic events in order to steer his life in a direction meant to serve your sick and twisted goals. And then continuing to do so until your plans bear fruition, then shattering his whole world and moving on. All for the purpose of mentally tormenting some guy who wasn't nice to you when you were a maid that stole things from his house

My only issue with all this is how sun ah knew yohan was going to do all the things he was going to do so far in advance that she could plan ga on's career path accordingly? You could argue sun ah planted ga on purely based on her obsession with yohan, not necessarily expecting him to wage war on the elites. She may have then seen the benefit of ga on as a weakness of yohan's when the fight started and played up that aspect of the plan. Or she set up the live court for the express purpose of having yohan and ga on meet? Not clear on this, if anyone has any thoughts help a sister out.

We'll probably get more info in the finale, and I'll update this post if I think of anything new

[eldritchsurveys]

1048.

1 - Are you one of those people who can watch TV shows and movies over and over again without getting bored? >> I am not one of those people, generally. Air-sign brain needs new stimuli constantly. However, there are exceptions to the rule -- some things I can watch over and over again because they’re basically a part of me at this point and I feel a sense of homecoming every time I sit down to watch them. Like The X-Files or Event Horizon. ...Or Silent Hill 4 playthroughs, as I’ve discovered recently.

2 - If you drink coffee, do you like it plain or would you rather have something like a latte or something flavoured? >> I like it plain, but I also like some lattes. It’s all moot, though, since I don’t drink coffee because the caffeine fucks with me.

3 - How did you used to dress ten years ago? Do you dress in a similar way now? >> A more dramatic and obviously goth version of how I dress now. I had more disposable income (because I didn’t have things like rent to spend it on) and less sensory issues (or, was more desensitised to them).

4 - When you’re grocery shopping, do you buy known brands or are you happy to go with the generic store version? >> It doesn’t matter except in the cases that it does.

5 - Do you have a close relationship with any of your cousins? >> ---

6 - Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? Does this person stay over often or was it more of a one-off? >> ---

7 - Does bad weather put you off going out if you’ve got plans to do so? Have you ever cancelled plans due to the weather? >> I don’t usually go out, so it doesn’t matter in that case. But the weather does seem to have an effect on my mood and general motivation level, so I might be more lethargic on overcast/rainy days in general.

8 - When you’re on vacation, do you prefer doing the typical tourist things, or would you rather explore somewhere off the beaten track? >> I like doing a mixture of both. Some tourist things are cool and that’s why they became such big deals in the first place; others, not so much. Having lived in a tourist-trap city, I think I’m pretty good at telling the difference.

9 - Did your family travel a lot when you were younger? >> No.

10 - When was the last time you went shopping for clothes? Did you get anything decent or find any bargains? >> I don’t remember. I don’t usually go shopping for clothes... I guess the last time would be during our wedding vacation. We both got some amazing pieces.

11 - Is it true that accessories can make or break an outfit? >> I think that is true in some cases, but some outfits are just unsalvageable.

12 - What is your worst memory from high school? What about the best? >> All my sparse memories from high school are some measure of negative.

13 - Is there any trait in a potential partner that would be a total deal breaker for you? >> ---

14 - Do you insist people use coasters if they’re putting drinks down in your house? >> We don’t entertain guests. I don’t even have a “guest protocol” script, since it’s never come up.

15 - Have you ever been arrested? Were you guilty of whatever it is you were arrested for? >> No.

16 - Name five items on the shelf nearest to you: >> The shelf nearest to me just has a bunch of books on it.

17 - After meals, do you wash dishes up right away, or do you leave them in the sink and do a whole days worth at once? >> We usually just load the dishwasher and then Sparrow turns it on when it’s full. But recently the dishwasher has begun malfunctioning and Maintenance is... unreliable... so the routine’s all thrown off and I can barely function in the kitchen now.

18 - What websites do you find yourself spending the most time on? >> This one. Also Reddit and various streaming sites.

19 - Do you still download music and TV shows? >> No.

20 - Does your phone have a good battery life? How long does it last before you need to charge it again? >> It’s starting to flag, but mostly it’s all right. The amount of time it lasts between charges varies, depending on how much it’s getting used (and for what), so I can’t really say.

21 - When was the last time you hit snooze? >> ---

22 - Did you ever play The Sims? Which expansion pack was your favourite, if you had any? >> I’ve played it since Sims 2, but I don’t play it anymore because the business model annoys me (and it’s just not an interesting game after a while, for me). I don’t have a favourite expansion pack, but I generally liked the “spooky” or “magic” ones.

23 - Are there any popular film series or TV shows that you just don’t get the appeal of? >> Sure. I can’t like everything.

24 - As a child, did you receive pocket money or an allowance? How much did you get? Was it dependent on you doing chores of some kind? >> No, I did not.

25 - Do you think your parents did a good job of raising you? Would you do anything differently with your own kids? >> I am a product of emotional neglect as well as CSA (I was 13, but that’s still childhood to me) and other forms of abuse thanks to the fact that I was shipped away from my primary household to a bunch of strangers that just happened to be related to me, so this is a loaded question for me. Sure, I didn’t starve to death, I graduated high school, etc, but at what cost...

26 - If something is bothering you, do you have to fix it right away? >> Many of the things that bother me can’t be fixed, I’ve learned.

27 - Are there any household jobs you enjoy doing? If so, what’s the reason that you enjoy those things? >> I like to organise and tidy things, it just satisfies some primal part of my brain.

28 - Do you still live in the area you grew up in? Would you like to live somewhere else one day? Where would you go? >> No.

29 - Do you smoke, drink or do drugs? How old were you the first time you tried those things?  Do you want to quit? >> I drink, and I eat edibles every so often. I’m fine with this level of drug use.

30 - What’s one thing that really grosses you out? Is it something you have to deal with anyway? How do you cope? >> I don’t want to think about something that grosses me out right now. And yes, some of those things are things I have to deal with almost daily. I cope by not coping.

[astroismypassion]

CHART INTERPRETATION: PART 1

(12FEB1982, 22:39, Tacoma, Washington)

Hi!

Thank you for buying me this delicious hot beverage. I drank irish cream black coffee with rice milk while writing your interpretation. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did writing!

Your dominant planets are: 1. Moon, 2. Venus and 3. Pluto. Your dominant signs are: 1. Libra, 2. Aquarius and 3. Aries. Your main mode is Cardinal. You are Air dominant.

FAMILY, SIBLINGS, EARLY LIFE

You have Capricorn IC. You grew up in a structured and organised environment. Or at least it was like that for a bit of time. You might have experienced a lot of limiting and restricting from your parental figures in your early home life. There were always responsibilities and duties on your shoulders. You might have to help at home often. A lot of pressure was put on you to establish yourself and your career. You might have to parent your parents at some point. They really tried to navigate your life and life path. Most of your 4th house is in Aquarius. You might have moved or changed residence often. There might have been unexpected changes and sudden events. Did you parents get divorced or separated? There was a lot of importance put on your intelligence and your knowledge. You might have received more attention from your parents than your other siblings. Or you might have been an only child even. You have Mercury and Sun there. There might have been a lot of gossip in your family or early home life. You were a center of attention for your creative self expression and communication. You read a lot as a child. You might have been the performer. Parents really wanted you to succeed and be the star child, even famous, with Sun there. You have Libra Saturn in the 12th house in retrograde. Your father might have been emotionally or physically absent due to work and other responsibilities. He might have not even been present in your life Or he had an escapism issue, might have been alcohol or drug abuse present. If you have any siblings, they are Sagittarius, Capricorn, Pisces, Libra or Taurus. These can be some of your family relatives and cousins as well. You have Pluto, Jupiter and Moon in the 1st house. This might indicate you have very apparent, big and deep eyes. You might have quite an expressive face, if you want. But due to Pluto being there as well, you appear reserved and “emotionless” if you want to. A lot of events that are outside your control have happened in your life. You might always have a “secret enemy” that presents themself in a form of a person. This is all manifested in your life as it should. And you might not like it, but it will be very rewarding since it will “force you” to change you and shed your old skin so you can welcome new opportunities, fresh start and new people in your life. You might have had even a near death experience. There’s a lot of intensity in your actions. You might experience big changes in your life. There will be a strong divide in chapters of your life. You’ll know exactly when something started and finished.

[ofcaspian]

「 pineapple. alex fitzalan. cis male. he/him. 」 are you ready for the time of your life, CASPIAN MONTGOMERY? the TWENTY-TWO year old POLITICAL SCIENCE graduate from tulane is ready to TRY TO BREAK IN AFTER DARK TO THE COLOSSEUM in ROME this summer. close friends would describe them as CHARISMATIC and RECKLESS, but there’s really only one way to find out. get ready for what august has in store for you, CAS ! 

hi friends ! i’m hayley n this here is caspian. he’s Old but i’m excited to breathe new life into him with all of you ! as a treat, i’ll show u the only sentence i had typed last night which i feel... says a lot about caspian as a person so ! ‘cas, or lord of the garbage boys as i like to call him...’ n you can read more about him under the cut ! 

basics ( pinterest .   spotify. )

full name: caspian edgar montgomery nicknames:  cas birth date: april 14th  star sign: aries  hometown: napa, california

background

a torrid romance between his parents over the height of a summer spent in new york and caspian came kicking and screaming into the world. a fighter from the word go. and perhaps for the best; as although the matter of his birth seems relatively normal on the surface — caspian was born in the midst of a media storm. his father, robert, a california senator, resigned from office after cheating on his wife of ten years with caspian’s mother, willa, a broadway actress. caspian was the product of their affair. 

although the matter of his being is rather... scandalous... caspian had a childhood filled with love. and his parents’ eventual marriage was an abundance of it. retreating to owning a small vineyard in napa valley, some of caspian’s earliest memories involve his parents learning to make wine and a house filled with laughter long into the night. 

in his earliest years, the only real concern was how much trouble he could get away with ( in the most mischievous way ! ) we’re talking pranks... jumping out from behind vines... the time he started a classwide game of rearranging furniture when the teacher left the room... caspian was noted to be a loveable boy. with his heart in the right place no matter the amount of mischief being caused. 

up until he grew a bit more social awareness. and at a party organised by his parents, noticed the way that some of his dad’s former high society ‘friends’ whispered about the couple. the judging looks exchanged as his playfulness was received as being a result of your parents’ lack of control. and it turns out, with such outside pressure, even love has its limits. and his parents marriage crumbled when caspian turned fourteen - ‘inevitable’ was what the press had called it. but they’d never been privy to the loving looks exchanged in the kitchen. and the numerous cross country flights between california and his mother’s new home in new york gave way to something darker in caspian. bitter and angry at the world. 

tearing himself apart so others don’t have the chance to do the same ? more likely than u think ! gotta control the narrative hunny x

high school passed by in a flash of rebellion. smoking in the bathrooms, graffiting napa to smithereens, talking back to teachers, and organising outlandish parties in the wine cellar of his house ... not to mention being an actual nightmare in every ap government debate setting. 

college didn’t even seem to be on the cards until his high school principal stepped in during his junior year after ( something chaotic ! my brain needs to wake up lmao ) and suggested he seriously think about channelling the anger into something productive. and gave him in an ultimatum: get expelled from the private school his dad was paying an extortionate amount for or join the debate team. the decision was easy and eventually led him to studying political science at tulane as he actually enjoyed it !

so that brings us to today ! cas is still as rebellious as ever, but tries his best to channel it into something good. now that he’s graduated he’s applying for a few full time jobs at think tanks, choosing to fight the good fight for environmental ( he badly wants that earth institute position ) or education policy rather than just... fighting sdfsfsdf. 

personality 

a mind just filled with bad ideas. he’s incredibly impulsive and will probably text some of your characters in the middle of the night while on the trip just to be like ‘what do u think about dirtbiking? not in the morning i mean like..... now’. equally !! is just as likely to send those messages when he’s lying awake at night trying not to think about the past. 

likes to downplay his own achievements and give the impression that he just does things for the hell of it 

doesn’t respect the law :( but the defence will be that the law doesn’t respect him 

not very forthcoming with his emotions bc he prefers to give the impression that he’s just here for a good time, not a long time 

can be incredibly petty :/ to those who he’s on bad terms with. he lacks a filter and i apologise in ADVANCE 

would do anything on a dare just to prove someone wrong and i, personally, hate that for him lmao

big chris miles from skins energy. my original insp. for cas came from a mixture of him, michael kelso, lip gallagher and sirius black ! do with that what you will ~

good with commitments until it comes to relationships and then he’s probably that fuckboy you’ve read about on a university confession page one too many times 

yet.... underneath it all, he’s a v. loyal boy to his friends and will defend them to the ends of the earth if need be ! 

connections 

ride or dies ( 1 / 1 ) cas is a fiercely loyal boy and i’d love for this dynamic to go both ways ! we’re talking forever getting into mischief together at tulane and travel antics galore RILEY !

drinking buddies ( 0 / 1 ) around the world in themed shots could be fun ... ? 

family friends ( 0 / 1 ) if your character comes from a high society background this could be the one for you ! maybe an unlikely friendship sparked up at some event in the past ? COVE ! 

former tutor ( 0 / 1 ) i wrote a little about this here but essentially someone who he met in his first year of uni who helped him out big time ! maybe something where he started off by goofing off but eventually ( masking vulnerability who ) it turned into a sorta confidant relationship? PENELOPE !

former hookups ( 0 / - ) i repeat: that fuckboy you’ve read about on a university confession page one too many times. i’d love somethin spicy where may b they hooked up, he ghosted, and then they discovered they actually shared mutual friends and were forced to hang out ? so now... may b it’s awkward ? idk i’m open ! 

those are just some rough ideas but i’m basically open to developing whatever !! let’s go wild 💕

[scarlettsabetlondongirl]

Read Full article here or below

Poet Scarlett Sabet talks isolation, inspiration and working with her partner, Jimmy Page

Scarlett Sabet’s spoken word album Catalyst grapples with love, politics and isolation – and features production by Jimmy Page

By Thomas Barrie

19 April 2020

Envy Jimmy Page: one of the most compelling, passionate poems of recent years was written about him. It was penned by his partner, the poet Scarlett Sabet, and it appears on Sabet’s latest spoken-word album Catalyst – which Page produced. Seems like a fair deal.

Sabet, who was born in Surrey but now lives in London, has been working with Page since they first met in 2014. She now has four written collections to her name, alongside the album. Her work is often political and, enhanced by Page’s production on the spoken-word tracks, sensual and otherworldly. Sabet names William S Burroughs and the beat poets as influences, and Jack Kerouac in particular – one track on Catalyst is named “For Jack” – though she is just as likely to write about the immigration crisis or the Bataclan massacre as she is to embrace the fluidity and experiential language of the Beats.

GQ spoke to Sabet, who elaborated on Catalyst, her relationship and collaboration with Page and how she has been working during the coronavirus lockdown.

How are you and Jimmy spending time in the pandemic? What’s it like?

Scarlett Sabet: I think, as a writer, I’ve always been a bit of a lone wolf. Social distancing has come naturally to me. From a very young age I would always read my parents’ books; my mother would have a lot of Margaret Atwood. I would kind of dive into my parents’ bookshelf and obviously that has spilled out into writing.

I think with the virus it's different, because there's this unfolding tragedy every day, so it's nothing to be glib about. I get up in the morning, have a green tea and try to meditate. I try to do yoga in the morning, something physical, and I’ve been watching the five or six o'clock news to check in with it. This is the fine line I think everyone's trying to balance at the moment – wanting to know what's going on, because things change by the hour and it's massively life-changing, but I think you need to balance your intake. So I definitely watch the news and then read and write and experiment.

We were scheduled to do a slot at Hay Festival. Jimmy was asked to talk about Catalyst. And then I'd also been asked by Van Morrison to read some of his lyrics – he's got a book of his lyrics coming out. The first one came out in 2016, so I read “The Way Young Lovers Do” at a festival in Belfast in 2016. He was going to do a similar event here as well, so that would have been nice. But I think it's going to be taken to the internet, as it were. I'm recording a video for Van at some point.

How do you keep writing during isolation? Is it hard to find inspiration?

Scarlett Sabet: Sometimes, with writing, I’ve found that discipline works – doing it every day and treating it like a job. I also have had amazing moments of inspiration. One of the poems on Catalyst was called “Fifth Circle Of Hell”. I wrote that here at home and it was about the refugee crisis. I remember seeing a tent in the rain in Calais and thinking, “Jesus.” I wrote a couple of lines down in my Moleskine notebook. And then I remember thinking like, “OK, I'm going to write more about that tomorrow.” The next day, Jimmy had a meeting in the house. So he was in one room and I just went off into a small room and I couldn't go anywhere else in the house. I had a green tea. I was in front of my computer. I typed that one up. And it just came out – it was like a channelling: these images and just a sense of, “What the hell is going on?”

My father was born in Iran, so I'm half-Persian and that made a big impact. I’m very lucky. My parents sent me to a private school and my father was studying architecture in Italy and then the UK, prior to the Iranian Revolution. But nonetheless, that changed his life, and the whole country. On the other side of my family, my great-grandfather was in the French Resistance and his life definitely would have been different if his country hadn’t been occupied by the Nazis. So this is one of the things I was saying to Jimmy: stuff has been cancelled, but it's bigger than us. It's all in perspective. So I'm definitely trying to be positive, keep a routine and check in with friends and family. It's a good time to be grateful for what you do have.

Your work seems very connected to the outside world, though – is it hard to work when you’re stuck indoors?

Scarlett Sabet: I wrote ��Rocking Underground” – the first track on Catalyst – on the Tube. My computer broke and it was a deadend Sunday. I grew up in Dorking in Surrey and I love London, but any big city, whether it's New York or London, the effort it takes, sometimes, just to exist is hard. This particular Sunday, I was on the Tube and my computer broke and I just had this “Urgh” feeling. I had Walt Whitman’s Leaves Of Grass in my bag and I was reading that and I had trouble connecting to his world. I thought “This is beautiful, but this is not my reality today.” And so I put down the book and I got out my Moleskine again, and I wrote “Rocking Underground”. There weren't rewrites of that. That's how it came out the first time I wrote it. It was definitely channelling something coming through me.

How has Jimmy influenced your poetry?

Scarlett Sabet: The first poetry reading I ever did was in 2013, at the World’s End Bookshop in Chelsea. I had an apartment in Knightsbridge and Jimmy lived [near] High Street Kensington, so we bumped into each other. We had a mutual friend; we both went to this bookshop. I waitressed for my whole twenties – I only stopped waitressing last August because I knew Catalyst was coming up and I knew we'd be doing stuff for that. So Jimmy came to the first poetry reading, which I organised, and a friend of mine from waitressing, Alice, designed the poster. I just felt compelled to share my work and I invited other people. That was in November 2013. And Jimmy came along. I think that really resonated with him.

And so, our relationship started at the end of August 2014. I self-published my first book in November 2014. I was so young and I was flattered that [a publisher] wanted to publish me – I took that as a good endorsement, but I wasn't quite sure. And I mentioned to Jimmy and said, “What do you think? Do you think I should do it with them?” And he said he thought they were kind of playing me around and he said, “Are you ready to publish?” I said yes. And he said, “Well, then you should self-publish.” And I was like, “Oh, OK.” I didn't really think of that. The parallel he used was that he had been in The Yardbirds. He’d been a session musician and when The Yardbirds ended, he went back to being a session musician. He knew he wanted to create a band, but seeing how the record label’s demand for producing hit single, hit single, hit single had broken The Yardbirds, he thought “I'm not going to do that.” Instead of going to a record company and saying, “I would like to write some songs in the studio, please can I have some money?” he produced and paid for Led Zeppelin’s first album – and then went to them and said, “This is what we’ve got and this is what we’re going to do.” So in the spirit of that, I self-published. Waitressing paid for that.

Around the time my first book came out – and this was before people found out Jimmy and I were together – that was when Jimmy first brought up the idea that we might do something together. He said, “We should do that at some point.” Part of Jimmy’s genius is timing. We felt it would be best to announce [our relationship] and release [our collaboration] on the same day. And Jimmy said, “Look, some people are going to love it. Some people are not. But at least that way it could speak for itself.” Instead of there being chatter about it, people could just listen to it, make up their own minds. So we did it that way. And it was really very magical working with Jimmy. He’s really believed in me before anyone else and at times more then I believe in myself.

Tell me about “Possession”, which you’ve read for us from home.

Scarlett Sabet: It seems very sensual and it's about being in love. And it's about the divinity of our passion together and my desire for him. I know, to a lot of people, our relationship looks a certain way on paper, but to me I just can't believe it – it's like we were pulled together and it's been this amazing love and [he’s] this amazing person who's been my mentor as well. “Possession” was written trying to understand what it is that we… As soon as we came together, it was like this collision.

Jimmy didn’t really do anything to it on Catalyst. There are no effects applied to it like there were to “Fifth Circle Of Hell”. It's definitely very intimate. I remember saying I would whisper it to him. There's so much tragedy and death and I just felt like, “You know what? I'm grateful for the love I have.” Let's focus on something loving, as it were, and something a bit more intimate, because the global landscape at the moment is very brutal and sad

Catalyst can be purchased here

[doof-doofblog]

"It's At An Insurance Company In Shoreditch!"

Monday 16th November 2020

Good afternoon / evening everyone! Hope you all had a brilliant weekend. This is quite an exciting post for me this one as this will be my 100th written blog post reviewing an episode of EastEnders, and I have a feeling it's going to be such a good episode to write about! I'm excited to get stuck in so let's jump right into it!

The episode begins with Kat sat on the sofa in her living room, checking the amount of her wages that Ian has paid her, as she checks them she notices that Ian has cut her short of the correct amount she's owed. As she's chatting to Stacey, the conversation turns the event which will be happening that night. It sounds as if this robbery she has planned with Phil will be going ahead that night. Kat informs Stacey to look after the kids and tells her that if they ask where she is, to make up some kind of logical excuse for her absence. Stacey once again tells her cousin that she still doesn't have to go through with this robbery and that they'll be able to find another way to find the money they owe Suki. But Kat is convinced that there is no other way and that this is the best shot she has of getting quick cash. As Stacey leaves the room, she suggests to take Kush with her to be on the safe side, suddenly Kush enters the room and informs Kat that he's planning on attending a Gambling Addiction meeting in an attempt to put things right between the couple. Kat informs her boyfriend that Phil has already organised for another driver, but Kush is quick to fight his corner and persuade her that whoever this other driver will be will not have her back as much as he will.

At the Vic, Ian is having what appears to be trouble with a supplier. As his brother and his family look across at him, its looks pretty clear that they have been made aware about what Ian has done to Kathy. Lexi tells his Uncle that the family aren't speaking to him anymore, as she sits with her Dad and Callum. As Ian takes himself behind the bar, Lexi asks her Dad what plans they have for that evening but Ben apologises to his daughter and explains he's having to work, to which Callum looks at him and pleads for him to be careful. Is Callum letting on that he knows what his boyfriend has planned? Or is he simply just showing support? Suddenly, Kat comes flying into the pub demanding Ian to pay her wages correctly, as she does so she sees Ben sat across the other end of the pub. As Ben and his family get ready to leave, Kat approaches him and asks who the new driver is that Phil's pulled in for the robbery, but before Ben can respond Ian is quick to insult Kat about cleaning for the Mitchell's and she storms off. Ian then enquires as to how much the Mitchell's are paying her but Ben really doesn't seem interested in making small-talk with his brother, he informs him that he's having to hold back really hard to not hurt him after what he did to their Mum, but he warns him that he ever pulls a stunt like that again, he'll come for him. I hate to say it, but I'm feeling glad that Ian has been making a lot of enemies lately, he seems to just be annoying everyone and he's digging his heels in deeper and deeper. There seems to be a lot of people he's upset right now - Max, Kathy, Sharon, Ben, Kat, Peter, Bobby, Dotty - I think someone needs to teach him a lesson!

After leaving the pub and witnessing Ian be the big "I am!", Max makes his way into the Café and finds Linda sitting on her own. They both greet each other as Max informs her about what has been happening in the Vic. It's then she mentions that her husband has gone to stay with their son, Lee, for a few days after the events that happened with him at the Vic. She informs Max that Ian had also sent them a bill for the bottle of alcohol that Mick accidentally smashed. Oh and what a coincidence! Max then happens to mention to Linda that he's actually thought of a way of getting back at Ian, to which she is instantly interesting in hearing his plan.

At the Masood/Ahmed household, (to which now Iqra, Ash and Tina are living in) Tina is confiding in Iqra about putting her foot in it with Mick and that he's not answering her calls, Iqra can kind of relate to Tina as she mentions that her sister, Habiba, has blocked her on all forms of social media. It seems as if they both have something in common when it comes to their families. Ash can be seen just listening in on their conversation as Iqra admits she doesn't know what to say to her sister if she'd try calling her. What is she supposed to say regarding Jags? In Iqra's mind, Jags is the one who's in the wrong - but of course Ash knows differently, she knows the truth. She grabs her coat and makes an excuse to leave, informing her girlfriend that she's going to work.

The next scene shows Jack visiting Denise once again, Denise informs him that she's been to the church with Raymond again and that the pastor gave her a book for Raymond. She informs Jack that she's been told more about Raymond's adoptive mother and how the little boy is constantly drawing pictures of his parents. Something is telling me that Denise feels like she might not be able compare to Raymond's adoptive Mother. Jack once again suggests she tells the young boy the truth about her identity in a case to make him feel more settled, he shuts the door behind him to make sure they don't have any interruptions whilst Denise tells her son who she is. Denise is looking a little bit nervous, but can only hope that the little boy will understand and accept the truth.

Returning to the Vic, Sharon is quick rush Ian into sorting the fact that they're running out of booze, Ian tries to reassure her that he'll get onto the supplier and sort it. Suddenly, Max and Linda sneak into the pub and they both make their way behind the bar announcing to the locals that all drinks will be free on behalf of Ian. Ian is absolutely stunned and can't believe what is happening. As Stacey and Jean enter also enter the pub, Stacey notices Linda behind the bar and comments how long it's been since she's seen Linda serving drinks. Linda appears incredibly happy to be where she once stood and she's looking even more happy to be helping Max wind Ian up. Ian is eager to stop what's happening before it the situation carries on or gets carried away but Max stops him from walking any further behind the bar and informs him he still owes him thousands of pounds! Ian questions him on how he's able to get that money so quick, but Max sarcastically suggests to him to rob a bank!

(Why do I have a horrible feeling that something is going to wrong with the robbery job that Kat and Phil are going to pull? Why do I feel that Ian might somehow get his hands on the money they get/nick, just so he can pay Max off? Will that then mean that the Slaters will be kicked out of their house? I admit I've got a very bad feeling that this robbery isn't going to end well!)

At the Mitchell household, Kat and Shirley are sat discussing the robbery job, Kat shows Shirley that she's made her a pass for her to get inside the building, she informs her that they may come in handy, unfortunately Shirley point out that she's made the blunder of putting their real names on the passes. As Phil and Ben make an appearance, Kat once again asks them who the new driver is that they've got for the job and inform her that it is in fact Shirley. Kat is left stunned as she informs them she needs her on the inside with her, but Phil reassures her that Shirley will be the best driver to get away. Kat is left reeling as she tells them to forget about the job and leaves, to which Ben runs after her. As he catches up to her outside, Ian can be seen in the background as Kat informs Ben that she'll get another driver, suddenly Ian speaks up - has he been listening to everything that they've been talking about? Is he aware that there's going to be a robbery? He asks his brother whether he could be a driver for them. Ben is clearly shocked, but as Ian continues to plead to his brother, it becomes clear that he is also desperate for money. Ben tells his brother to actually beg - it's clear that Ian is looking a little uncomfortable as he begins to kneel to the floor, to which Ben bursts out laughing and informs his brother that he wouldn't involve him if he was basically the last man on Earth. Things are looking really sour between to the two brothers, Ben is clearly angry with Ian because of what he did to their Mum. As Ben begins to walk away Ian shouts to him to stop acting like his Dad, which stops Ben in tracks, the next line really surprised me - Ian actually told his own brother that his Dad hates him - well clearly he doesn't know Phil and Ben as much as he thought, considering what Ben has gone through in the last few months regarding his hearing loss, Phil has tried his absolute best to support his son, even acknowledges his boyfriend which speaks volumes. Ben informs Ian that the relationship between him and his Dad is solid and the only person who is hated at the moment is him! As Ben makes his way inside the house, unfortunately, Ian notices that the pass made for Shirley has been accidentally left on the floor. What the hell is he going to do with that?!

Returning to Denise and Jack, as little Raymond is doing more drawings, Denise is trying to talk the young boy. I have to be honest, I found this scene very touching. Raymond is drawing a little picture on the floor as Denise is very softly talking to him about how his adoptive parents told him about "Another Mummy" who grew him in her tummy. Raymond nods his head in acknowledgement, showing that he knows what she's talking about, at such a young age he appears to understand. Denise asks whether he thought about her to which he gently nodded his head again, Denise then tells the young boy "That was me!" and she continues to mention how she gave him to special parents because he was a special boy. Suddenly Raymond turns around and gives Denise the picture he has drew, to which Denise instantly thinks is of his adoptive Mother, but when Jack notices that he's drawn a dress the same colour that Denise is wearing, Denise asks little Raymond whether the picture was of her, to which he smiles and nods. This was just an incredibly cute scene, I absolutely loved it! Beautifully done!

Returning to Ash, who has actually just gone to the Panesar household, she appears to be on the phone to Iqra, trying to reassure her that everything is fine. On the other end of the line, Iqra seems erratic, questioning her girlfriend why she left in such a rush and whether she is actually okay. Ash makes the quick excuse that she has to go and hangs up the phone. Behind her, we can see that Suki has been listening in on her daughter's conversation, trying to be the supporting Mother, she asks whether everything okay. But Ash admits that she's hating having to lie to her girlfriend, lying about Jags and everything else. Suki then tries to comfort her and explains that having to lie is probably best then telling a devastating truth. But then, Ash turns the conversation completely onto what her Mum is doing to the Slater's - are the Slater family even aware that she's planning on changing their house into studio apartments?! It looks as if Suki was planning on posting some fake letters to them, but then admits that perhaps she might think of another way of telling them. I really don't like Suki and I really hope that she'll get what's coming to her - eventually!

Back at the Slater household, Kush can be seen playing on his laptop again - is he really playing another game of poker?! Kat calls him from the hallway and he quickly shuts the laptop down before she can see. As she enters the kitchen she asks her boyfriend whether he was serious about seeking help for his gambling addiction, he confirms to her that he is. Kat then informs Kush that she's willing to let him join her on this robbery job if he's still interested, to which he seems incredibly eager to help out. He asks what's changed her mind, to which she explains that she needs someone to support her and be on her side - as it's fair to say that none of the Mitchell clan will be - she tells him that she does trust him as she leaves the room. As she enters the hallway we can hear her arranging with Phil to meet in the Arches, meanwhile Kush goes back onto his laptop, revealing that he has been playing Poker, yet again, but interestingly he actually pressed "Fold" and quits the game! I think the knowledge that Kat actually does trust him to help her with this job must've proved to him that he doesn't need to be playing Poker any more. Hopefully this will be the big turn around for Kush.

Meanwhile at the Vic, Max and Linda are once again sharing a drink. Sharon approaches them and questions Max's actions and how it would help Ian paying him back, but Linda is quick to defend Max, informing her friend that she hasn't laughed so hard for a long time. As Sharon leaves them to it, Linda confesses to Max how much she misses being behind the bar, Max understands and tries to comfort her, he tries to lift her spirits saying that that was her past, she bound to miss it, but she now needs to focus on the future. It's then that Linda reveals that she's had a new business idea, thanks to her son, Ollie. She reveals her new business idea would be superhero costumes for children with autism, to which Max agrees would be a brilliant idea. This is very interesting - does this mean that Linda might go down another road and start her own business? It could be a big success! Will Max convince her to go for it?!

At the Arches, Phil, Ben and Shirley are waiting for Kat to turn up, both Ben and Phil are looking a little bit tense. Shirley informs her boss that there will be other jobs, but Phil think that this opportunity it too easy to pass up, £100,000 for a few motors! It should be an easy job! Eventually Kat turns up and passes Shirley another leopard print piny, much to everyone's confusion. Phil makes the valid point that Shirley is going to be one of the driver's but then Kat reveals she's got someone else - as they all walk outside the Arches, Kush is seen standing very stern and he looks Phil dead in the eye. Will Phil agree to this arrangement?! Or does he perhaps feel that he could land them in trouble?! I mean, I don't think something should go wrong with the group they've got, but I fear something might go wrong for maybe one of two of them. What do you guys think? Is their robbery going to be a success? Or is something going to go horrendously wrong?!

Back with Jack and Denise, Jack praises Denise for the way she approached Raymond and revealing she was in fact his real Mum. Denise shows him the picture Raymond drew and he thought Jack was his new Daddy! Am I the only one who found this incredibly cute?! Jack at first looked in shock, but Denise reassured him that she's going to tell the young boy that they're just good friends - however from the look of both their faces, something tells me that they wish they could in fact go back to the way things were between them. I've got a feeling that they will rekindle their romance, they clearly still have feelings for one another, and perhaps Jack might come to love little Raymond as his own and they could be a family. Suddenly a voice from the hallway breaks the silence, Denise and Jack look in surprise as Kim walks through the door and announces her return! I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE KIM BACK!!! However, she's got a lot to find out - first she'll have to find out about Chantelle passing away, and then the bombshell of having Raymond back in her sister's life! How is she going to react to the recent news?!

Back at the Arches, Shirley and Phil voice their concerns about Kush being involved, they make the very valid point that there isn't any room for mistakes. Ben questions whether he even knows the plan, to which Kush then gives a note by note to what the plan entails. Phil questions whether Kush will make a mistake or not, but Kush makes his feelings perfectly clear to him. His family is on the line, their plan has to work! Phil acknowledges that Kush means business and that he's serious about being a driver for them. Phil instructs them to meet later in the evening with a car as they walk away, as they do, Kat is looking more nervous as the plan comes closer and closer together. Kush tells her not to worry, he has her back and everything will be fine. (Famous last words, right?!)

Returning home to Iqra, Ash starts making up an a story as to how her day was, Iqra is visibly not having any of it. She questions her girlfriend straight out as to whether she is seeing someone else, which takes Ash completely by surprise. Ash tells her girlfriend that that is not the case, however when Iqra reveals that she went to the hospital to drop off her lunch for her, she sees that her story isn't going to work. She then tells Iqra the truth that she was in face at her Mum's house, but however, she still doesn't tell her full truth and instead tells her that the reason she left was because of Tina. She explains that Tina is getting in the way of their relationship and that they're not being able to spend time alone together. Iqra appears relieved and states she'll tell Tina to move out, to which Tina then appears from the hallway with a devastated look on her face.

The final scene of this episode was a very good one I have to say! Callum is at work and we can see that he's sent Ben a message asking him to be careful, however DI Thompson walks in on Callum and informs him that he's got recorded footage from the recorder that he planted at the Arches! Ooooohhhh gosh, I had forgotten all about that! So everything that Kush, Kat, Shirley, Phil and Ben had discussed has all been recorded! Callum at first reveals that that is the first he has heard about it, but once again DI Thompson blackmails him, saying if he doesn't tell him what he knows, he'll make sure that Ben goes down for his part in this crime! As all this is taking place, Phil, Ben, Kush, Kat and Shirley are all seen wearing dark clothes, of course except for Kat and Shirley in their leopard print pinnies, and approaching their cars ready to set off for the robbery. However what they don't see as they drive off is Ian, stood in a phone box! He's only gone and phoned the police and reported them! Is this to get his own back on Ben and Phil?! I fail to see why Ian has done this, what is in it for him?! PRIDE!!!!!

Will the police already be there as they approach the building? Will they get away with the robbery? Will Callum be backed into a corner and reveal what he knows?! Or is something going to go terribly wrong and someone end up getting caught?  I for one, pray it's not Phil or Ben, however something tells me it will be! What do you guys think? I know the following episode will probably be nail biting, but I'm really looking forward to watching it and catching up on it tomorrow and reviewing it!

Thank you all so much for reading, I hope you've all enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing this blog post! I'll be back tomorrow following tonight's exciting episode! Enjoy the rest of your evening folks! xXx

[oneandahalfwolf]

Benley for the ship meme!

send me a ship and i’ll tell you; [x]

who hogs the duvet?

iley is a total blanket hog. like literally with actual blankets but also like… ben is often her blanket. she will hog them too. not only is she the big spoon, she is a total koala.

who texts/rings to check how their day is going?

both. when they actually remember since the pair are often forgetful or hyper focused on something. however they actually remember to do that a lot more with each other than they would with other people. plus they are the only people on each other’s phones who’s texts and calls are programmed to ignore any do not disturb functions.

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts?

both can be rather creative when it comes to thinking of unique gifts that other people would never think of, let alone believe to be an appropriate or well received gift. in terms of actual manual creativity, that would probably lie with ben given they are so crafty. they'd make all manner of things for iley – artwork, metalwork, woodwork, etc. iley doesn’t back down and will do her best to make her own creative presents for the pup.

who gets up first in the morning?

it can depend on what kind of night the pair have had (what with insomnia, nightmares, and then just normal late nights), but generally iley is the first one to get up.

who suggests new things in bed?

well they’re relationship is entirely platonic, so new things in bed for them consists of new sheets or blankets. and iley would probably be the one to suggest changing up the décor – though ben would probably be the one to do it.

who cries at movies?

depends on the movie or what happened, but usually probably ben.

who gives unprompted massages?

given their general aversion to touch and chronic pain, ben’s more likely the one to give massages in general. iley would give unprompted hair pets and head scritches.

who fusses over the other when they’re sick?

both will fuss over each other, a lot. one has so much as a sniffle or cough the other will be fretting and worrying. however iley probably fusses over ben a little bit more, simply because the pup is immunocompromised and has had a lot of health issues since birth (no matter the verse), so she’s always worried something might turn out bad. obviously if the ‘sickness’ is something fatal, the pair are even more worried over the afflicted party and will do everything they can to find a cure.

who gets jealous easiest?

the pair’s relationship is so strong that they have no reason to be jealous and usually aren’t. however, iley can get jealous easily when other people take ben’s attention or get to soothe them/patch them up – even other pack members.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music?

both have a very eclectic taste in music – musical theatre, rock, grunge, metal, pop, foreign language; the list goes on – so they don’t really get embarrassed by it easily, since its all over the place.

who collects something unusual?

ben collects scraps of things (metal, fabric, pretty rocks, shards of gems) that they could maybe one day use in some sort of project. they also technically collect pencils, but that’s simply because they never throw any away, just throw them in a drawer when they get too short. iley collects notebooks and shells.

who takes the longest to get ready?

it depends on whether they care about their appearance or what they’d doing. often they take about the same time, no more than an hour – including showering and dressing.

who is the most tidy and organised?

ben. while they can both be scatter brained and leave stuff lying around, ben is much more likely to start putting everything into nice looking piles. at least their immediate area. they can’t begin work in chaos, though they often end up leaving a mess by the time they’re done. they’ll actually clean it up though. iley just leaves her stuff scattered everywhere.

who gets most excited about the holidays?

iley is the most outwardly excited usually, but ben’s probably more excited overall because usually they didn’t get to go on lots of holidays when they were younger (at least in verses where iley grew up with her wealthy parents).

who is the big spoon/little spoon?

iley is the big spoon and ben is the little spoon. that's just how it is. (occasionally they may switch but it’s usually just if iley really needs the comfort of being wrapped in ben’s arms.)

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports?

iley. don't get me wrong, they both get rather competitive – but iley is just… on a whole other plane.

who starts the most arguments?

they don’t really argue that much with each other, and if they do it usually stems from the other not taking proper care of themself.

who suggests that they buy a pet?

it doesn’t really come up as a suggestion, ben just keeps finding or attracting random stray animals who end up being allowed to stay.

what couple traditions they have?

they link pinkies a lot – iley’s left to ben’s right – as well as holding hands in general. in canon, but any verse really, iley rubs ben’s ears with her index finger and thumb, as well as generally running her hands through their hair. ben does forehead kisses, iley cheek kisses. pressing foreheads together. if not holding hands, iley likes to hold some part of ben’s clothing. ben braids and styles iley’s hair a lot. they also both trace each other’s scars a lot.

in terms of event traditions; every halloween they dress up and go trick or treating before watching hocus pocus. easter they binge all the chocolate they can manage. at christmas the house is supremely decked out and there’s always lots of presents under the tree. a more basic tradition is if the kids can’t sleep or one has a relapse, they will go to a 24 hour diner or fast food joint at 3am to just eat and talk until they’re spent.

what tv shows they watch together?

all of them. they tend to do everything together which extends to watching tv shows.  

what other couple they hang out with?

the only couple they know (other than their parents if they are alive) is missy and ori. also ben hanging out with wyn and iley also counts I guess.

how they spend time together as a couple?

doing anything and everything. they literally (usually) spend all of their time together, so there’s a lot of things they get through. for examples though – watch movies, play video games, go on drives or walks, eat at diners, simply enjoy each other’s presence. one thing they do a lot is sit in the same room while iley reads a book out loud and ben sketches designs for some sort of project.

who made the first move?

there wasn’t a first move to be made, their relationship kind of just happened and blossomed. they gravitated towards each other and their bond only grew.

who brings flowers home?

iley often finds really pretty flowers, either in the wild or at a shop, and brings them home.

who is the best cook?

ben, though usually not by much (though in some verses they’ll have learned a good number of recipes from their mama and took to it like a duck to water, since its simply another form of engineering/creating). however, iley could burn a boiled egg. this is why the kids eat out most of the time (in verses where they can afford it of course).

[ninaahelvar]

Marry Me

Summary: Owen had always thought she looked beautiful in white - but he had never seen Claire look like she was an angel before. She was breathtaking in her wedding gown. And she wasn’t his.

AO3

A/N: Inspired by the song 'Marry Me' by Thomas Rhett i'm back at it again with the shitty clawen fics. I'm diving back in guys. Also, unbeta read. I was gonna get my beta on it but I'm too excited. spelling mistakes are all me and i'm so sorry

Owen had always thought she looked beautiful in white - but he had never seen Claire look like she was an angel before. She was breathtaking in her wedding gown. 

And she wasn’t his. 

*~*~*

Owen used to watch her sometimes when they were kids - she’d practice the entrance in, holding onto the arm of a teddy bear to act as her father. She wore white high heels and tripped a few times as she walked. Claire laughed, before continuing on, and Owen would always laugh when she kissed the face of another of her stuffed animals. 

Once, when he caught her reenacting the same ceremony over and over, she came outside to tell him all about it. Owen was never interested in it, barely listening to when she spoke about what her dress would look like or where it was set. When she had smacked him upside the head, he frowned at her deeply. 

“Listen! I want Magnolias! I want them all around and filling up the rows!” she beamed, the gap in her teeth where one had come loose, showing clear in her smile. 

“Huh? What are magnolias?” he had asked with a scrunched up nose.

“In your garden. Those!” Claire said, pointing dramatically to his tree in the front yard. 

“They’re pretty, I guess,” he shrugged. Claire raced over to tree, picked a flower and tucked it behind her ear. She came bounding back over, showing off the white flower perfectly positioned on her ear and defining her elegant red hair.

“See! They’re perfect,” she beamed again, and there was something in the way she smiled that made him laugh. 

Claire had been his best friend since childhood - being neighbours had its benefits at the time. She made him play dress up, but in return, she helped him play football - even getting a good throwing arm in the process. 

In the end, Owen knew one thing about Claire above everything. 

She wanted to get married. 

But she didn’t want to marry him. 

*~*~*

It was clear, even then, that Claire had the whole thing planned out. Everything about her day would be perfect. From her dress, to her hair, to the flowers she held at her side. Magnolias with a mix of complementary flowers. 

She beamed without the gap in her teeth now. 

Still, he was dazzled by her presence, and smiled back. 

And his heart broke. 

*~*~*

High school was when Owen knew he had to act. During one of his football games, he was taken off - exhaustion gripping him, and sweat pooled on his skin. He took off his helmet, shaking off his damp hair and combing it back as he looked out onto the game. He didn’t feel like the game was in his favour, something entirely wrong with his play and how he was running - it wasn’t his night. 

“Owen!” a voice yelled from the stands. When he turned, he saw Claire with a few of their mutual friends, with a navy shirt like his uniform. It had the number ten plastered on front in white, and when she turned ‘OWEN’ was written across her shoulders. 

She had spun back around with a giant smile, clapping and cheering him on as much as she could. Even though she hated the game, and took no real interest in it - Claire still went to every game and made Owen feel like he was doing it for something. 

Claire always made him feel like he would win, even when he would lose. 

After the game, only winning by a few points, Owen had showered and dressed, meeting Claire straight after. She charged at him in a bounding hug before jumping onto his back and stealing his helmet. He was too late to warn her how badly it smelled or how damp it was in there from all his sweat before she pushed it onto her head. 

She groaned and struggled to get it off before they got to his car. He laughed as he helped it off, fixing up her hair, tucking a stray part behind her ear and knowing he would need to make a move soon - his heart couldn’t take the waiting. 

The team and their friends has all organised to meet at a diner that was a regular spot for them all - it was one of the only places in town that they could all afford their shitty late night meals. Owen had picked up the mac and cheese order for Claire and the fries that they would share. Claire sat in the booth against the window - their booth - and pat the seat beside her. Owen slid in, handing her the food and starting to talk with the players and friends around. 

The night rounded out, a few friends remaining, but dispursed throughout the diner and parking lot. Claire and Owen talked about college and what they wanted from their futures. They dreamed wild and big, like children without a thought of the wider world. It was perfect. What Owen hadn’t noticed at first was that Claire had placed her hand down on the chair, finger catching his from time to time. 

Her hand edged towards his - his heart was racing harder than it had on the field. She made him so nervous. He looked over to her, the slight duck of her head as she giggled, hiding the blush running over her cheeks. For a moment, he forgot the nerves that begged him to stop, and followed what could only be instinct. He leaned into her, feeling her shoulder press up to his own - she was moving in too. 

It was so slow, almost perfect. 

Then, one of the linebackers pummeled his fists against the glass window next to them. Claire turned around shocked - watching as the asshole made a kissy face and laughed at the pair. Claire vaulted over the booth chair and went outside, kicking him the ass, but they laughed as they play-fought. 

As Claire turned to Owen once more, she shrugged, laughing a little but he could see the blush in her cheeks fading. 

*~*~*

Owen could feel the cold flask pressing tight to his chest as he buttoned up his suit jacket. 

All he wanted was to drink. 

And stop the way his heart wanted to stop beating. 

*~*~*

Owen and Claire had gone to different colleges, they got different jobs, they led different lives from what they saw from their younger years. 

Even though they still stayed in touch, things had been lost - information that was never passed on, only to be discovered from parents that got in touch. 

What shocked Owen most was the engagement he never saw coming. 

It was at her parents' house, right next door to his parents - still living in the homes their children grew up in. Even seeing it that morning, driving from the airport, he remembered the girl in a dress covered in sparkles and shoes that didn’t fit. 

Once, he thought he was going to be the one to make her happy. 

It was too late. He should have expected this. 

Owen waited. 

This Eli guy didn’t. 

Taking a deep breath, he walked into the Dearing house, greeting her mother and father, kissing her sister’s cheek and talking with Karen’s sons that Owen saw as family. 

But they weren’t. 

His heart stood smiling over at him, waving at him for come closer only for it to be squeezed tight by a man that kissed it like Owen wished he could. 

Owen found whatever alcohol was being served and drank as many glasses as he could. He refused to meet Eli, and he didn’t talk to Claire - only raising his glass to her when she looked his way. Instead, Owen talked with Karen, talking about her life and her boys. Karen sensed Owen’s mood, avoiding the topic of the event that surrounded them.

The night rounded down, afternoon closing in a beautiful cascade of colours, yet when Owen saw the flash of red pass at his side, he knew there was nothing like her. And she was like a ghost to him; close, but he could never touch her. Instead of the champagne that had been served, Claire held two beer bottles in between her fingers, handing one over to Owen. Popping to cap with the edge of the porch railing, Owen watched Claire’s classic ‘try-and-fail’ attempt before she got Owen to do the same with hers. 

“I barely saw you tonight,” she said after the silence was too much. Owen merely shrugged. 

“You’ve got people to gush over you, didn’t want to interrupt the fun,” he smirked as he sipped at his drink. Claire scoffed, knocking her hip against his. 

“Oh, screw you, making me out to be an attention seeker.” 

“I saw you in high school, I know what you’re like,” he reminded, only for Claire to throw herself at him, knocking a fist hard against his shoulder over and over again.

“Fuck you, I wasn’t like that in high school,” she snapped. They both laughed, as though everything fell right back into place even with years apart. 

“Congratulations,” he said a little more quietly, looking at his shoes. He was trying to focus on the brown dress shoes he was wearing and not the white heels to his side. Everything about her was distracting to him, evidently. 

“Thanks,” Claire gave back in the same quiet voice. It was as though neither of them wanted to actually say the words. 

“Let’s see the fucker already,” Owen sighed, looking back to Claire who brimmed with a red hue across her cheeks.  

“I think Eli went -” 

“No...not him, idiot. I mean the ring,” he chuckled, and Claire let out her own embarrassed laugh. 

“Oh,” she realised, delicately laying out her hand, “here,” she offered, the ring standing out amongst her slender fingers. Owen gripped the edges of her fingers delicately, as though touching her would break her - or him.  

“Fuck, that’s huge,” he exaggerated, though the ring was quite sizeable. Claire’s hand slipped from his, though his lingered in place, missing the warmth of her. She stared down at her hand. 

“I know. I wasn’t quite expecting it to be so big, and on my hand it looks massive. I tend to take it off,” 

“I’m sure it weighs a tonne,” he said, taking her hand again, pretending to weigh it in his palm, “holy fuck, you carry this around on your finger?! How are you not ripped!” 

“Shut up,” Claire howled out a laugh. Owen chuckled to himself as he drank some more of his beer before Claire broke the silence again. “I’m glad you came,” she said, voice small but wanting.  

“Anything for you. You know that,” Owen said, leaning into her shoulder briefly. Claire’s head fell to his shoulder as she sighed. 

“Yeah.”

*~*~*

Owen stared at the invite, looking at the curl of her name, the letters intertwining with Eli’s. She belonged to someone else, and the invite confirmed it. Looking at his reflection, his hair a complete mess, eyes resembling that of a soulless wanderer, and suit that looked odd on his frame. He wasn’t used to this. He grabbed the flask filled with whiskey off his dresser drawer and went to the car. 

It was a beautiful venue, trees that created archways, birds singing songs in the daylight shine, and flowers blooming to create a wonderful fragrance in the air. Down the aisle, Owen saw the white magnolias that Claire has once described to him. In all, the wedding was exactly how she always planned. It was perfect. 

Owen wandered around, greeting those he recognised before slinking away and trying to find a spot to grab the flask in his pocket. Then, he fixed up his tie quickly as he saw Chris and Lorraine Dearing, dressed in their best. In Owen’s hand, he clenched tight to the gift that was wrapped in an old t-shirt Claire had left at his family’s house many years back. His name was written across the back. She deserved it back, he thought. Nothing else left between them from this day on - just friends, just neighbours, just strangers that once thought they knew the other. 

“Owen! You look amazing,” Lorraine beamed, embracing Owen tightly like when he was a child. She was always family to him. 

“Thank you, Lorraine,” he said, leaving her arms to scrunch up his face in discomfort, “still feels weird to say your name,” he laughed and Lorraine lightly smacked his arm. 

“You’re a grown man, Owen. Get used to it,” she said, almost like a warning. Then, she perked, seeing someone over Owen’s shoulder. “Oh! Beth, so good to see you! Excuse me,” Lorraine said, waving to her friend then smiling to Owen.

“See you,” he said as she passed him. Then, it was just Chris and Owen together.  

“Owen,” he said, extending his hand. Owen took it, and shook it firmly. 

“Chris,” he greeted. 

“It’s going to be hard giving her away,” Chris sighed, looking down the aisle. Owen swallowed, trying not to picture her standing at the end with Eli. 

“I’m sure,” Owen said, jaw clenched as he gripped the gift again. Chris pat Owen’s shoulder, 

“I guess you know what that feels like, son?” he said, and Owen turned to the man. There was an understanding in his eyes. Owen didn’t know what to say, to be seen by the man who knew exactly what Owen was going through. He wondered if more people knew - or if it was just Chris. 

“Owen! Just the man I was looking for,” a voice called. Owen turned, seeing Karen walking over. She wore a beautiful purple silk dress, the maid of honour needed to look just as good as the bride - that was what Claire always said. 

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” Owen faked a laugh, trying not to answer Chris. 

“Very funny,” Karen scoffed, taking his arm. “Claire wants to see you.” 

“Me?” 

“Yeah, hurry up, the ceremony is about to start,” she demanded, dragging him off. Chris gave a soft wave before wandering back over to Lorraine. To the side of the entrance, he saw the pile of gifts. They were to pass it to get to the reception rooms where Claire was getting ready. Owen was quick put the gift down with the rest and followed after Karen to make sure she wouldn’t kill him. 

As they got closer to the door, Karen stopped Owen dead in his tracks. She looked at him, sighing with a sad look in her eyes. “Owen,” she started, “don’t tell her. She has to do this on her own.” Why was it so obvious? But Karen had always known, hadn’t she? Owen rubbed at the back of his head. 

“I won’t,” he said gently, “and she already made her choice,” he said, determined to not break. Not yet anyway. Owen continued forward, knocking on the door and entering the room. 

At the window, Claire stood, her hair looking like a beacon of shining red under her white veil. Her dress was a crisp white, laced with silver leaves and flowers. Her bodice was tight on her with the sleeves off the shoulder, with the skirt flowing out from her waist. In a word: she was mesmerising. 

“You called,” he cleared his throat. Claire turned, a little surprised to hear anyone come in. Owen was still finding it hard to catch his breath. Claire’s smile formed fast, hitching up her skirt as she walked towards him.

“I wanted to see my best friend,” she said, letting her skirt go as she stood in front of him. Yet, even in all her beauty, she looked like she was going to cry - that something was causing her to be so frightened that she’d escape at any moment. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Owen stepped towards her, hands on her biceps to possibly try and steady her if she fell. 

“I feel like I’m going to throw up,” she said, voice shaking. 

“I’ve heard that’s a thing. You’ll be fine. You’ve practised this before,” he smiled, and Claire’s brow furrowed. 

“Huh?” 

“Come on, Claire. You’ve wanted this since you were five years old. Had the entire thing planned out from the magnolias in the aisles. Everything is perfect. And so are you,” he said, hand unconsciously guiding itself to her cheek. It would be the only time he would ever hold her like this. 

“You remembered the magnolias?” she asked. 

“I also remember the massive gap in your teeth when you told me what they were,” he said, tucking a hair behind her ear, and finally letting his hands slip from her. He had to let go. “Don’t be nervous. You’ll be fine. Good luck.” 

“Thank you,” she muttered, almost reaching for him before she stopped fixed up her dress to look perfect. 

Owen walked out of the room, finding Karen at the edge of the door. Owen loosened his tie, almost snapping it completely off with the force. He needed to get out of there. Now. 

“Owen?” Karen asked cautiously. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice breaking as he tried to walk away.

“Hey,” Karen stopped him, staring up at him with concern, “what happened?” 

“I did what you told me to. But I can’t watch it happen, Karen. I can’t.” His voice was breaking harder than a teenager, tears welling and it was becoming harder to stop the tremble in his lip. 

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. 

Owen sniffed hard, trying to find strength in his words. “Tell her I’m around. Don’t tell her...don’t -” 

Karen’s hand went to Owen’s cheek, stopping him before he officially broke. She steadied him for a moment. “I won’t.” Owen leaned his forehead against hers before tearing himself away. The flask in his breast pocket slammed against his chest as he went to his car. He’d drink it soon enough. He just needed to get away from all of the happiness. 

He didn’t have a definite destination that he was driving to - but when he stopped, he definitely thought he had a cruel sense of irony. The old diner was still there, a little run down on the outside, but as Owen walked in, he saw they had redone the paint and finishings on most of their table and chairs. By the window sat the same booth from years prior. One that held hopes of teenagers possibly in love. Love lost. 

Owen ordered his coffee and sat in the booth. It came and the flask finally emerged from his pocket. He looked at the clock on the wall - the ceremony had started. And he dashed the whiskey into his coffee, drinking it down just as quickly as he had gotten it. He savoured the taste before he ordered more, thinking about how he couldn’t linger on her after this day - that it was over after all of this.

He needed to move on. 

He needed to let go. 

He needed to stop himself from being a love sick fool. 

She was happy 

That was all that mattered. 

Friends. 

Neighbours. 

Strangers. 

Nothing. 

Afternoon came in, the sky resembling something like that night of her engagement party, Owen looked at the flask, wondering if another drink would soothe the ache or if he just needed to go somewhere to drown her out completely. He drank from the bottle briefly, then he gestured for the waitress to come back around. As he waited, he glanced out the window. 

A flash of white took his attention, but as the waitress came around he looked back to his cup. It was only a second later that he had seen it before. He looked back out the window to see Claire in her wedding dress, panting as she saw Owen inside the diner. Owen shot up from the booth, putting the money under the coffee cup and rushing outside. 

“Claire?” he stared at her, her hair a little out of place and veil completely gone, “what are you doing here?”

“You weren’t there,” she stated, her hands clenched at her sides. 

Owen swallowed hard. “I just needed to get some air, I didn’t think you’d miss me,” he lied. 

“Of course I would! You weren’t there, Owen! The only person I’ve ever wanted there!” she yelled. It still broke him, seeing her like that, in that dress. He needed to be away from her to stop the ache.

He gestured towards his car, “Claire, let’s just get to the reception, and we’ll talk -” 

“There isn’t a reception!” she snapped, and Owen looked confused. 

“What?” 

“Don’t you get what I’m saying! You weren’t there. I couldn’t marry him, because he wasn’t you!” 

“Claire,” Owen said stunned. What was she saying? 

“I thought…” she paused, as though the words were hard to get out. “I thought you were always going to be there for me. And then, when you weren’t, I knew why I thought you would be. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, Owen. I want forever with you,” she said, one breath to finish it all. 

“Do you even know what you’re saying?” he muttered before he could stop himself. What was he saying? He wanted this! He was just stunned. 

Claire looked back, fear gripping her - realisation that maybe it was all just one sided. How he had always felt. “You don’t feel this? You never thought -” 

Without fear, without hesitation - for the first time, he let himself feel with everything he had - Owen stepped into her, taking her delicate cheeks into his hands hand kissing her like he had wanted to do for years. Claire let out a surprised noise, but kissed back with a wanting that he craved. She was everything he wanted; and he was the same for her. He wasn’t going to stop kissing her as long as he lived - he had decided it once his lips touched hers. 

Claire was everything. 

And she was his. 

Now. 

And however long she wanted to keep him. 

Just a moment for enough for him. 

When he finally let her go to breathe, Owen rested his forehead against her, her arms wrapping around his waist. She wasn’t letting him go. He felt so loved in just a hold, it was hard to form his words without stumbling. “Of course I did. I thought I missed my chance.” He chuckled as his thumb glided over her cheek over and over again.  

“The wedding dress did put a dampener on things,” she joked, and Owen laughed, breath shaking again. He couldn’t believe it was all real. Everything that was happening was real. She was in his arms, and she was real. Claire kissed him and he hadn’t imagined it. Everything was finally perfect. 

“Now it’s only an improvement,” he replied.

“You think courthouse weddings are still running this late?” she asked, and Owen looked at her in surprise. His heart beat fast, and he licked at his lips. 

“We can only hope,” he smiled, hand going down her arm and holding onto her hand. “There’s always Vegas,” he smirked, only for Claire to thump his chest lightly.

“Very funny,” she said, going up on her toes again to kiss him. 

In one kiss he knew. 

He was hers. 

And she was his. 

[thewidowstanton]

Evelyn Carnate, burlesque artist, producer and director

Known as ‘The Shapeshifting Showgirl’, Evelyn Carnate is the current Miss Burlesque UK. With acts ranging from the playful to the powerful and unpredictable, the neo-burlesque performer has been on the scene for five years. She has a naughty sense of humour and can play everything from sweet and subversive to sensual and downright twisted.

Evelyn is also a director, producer and teacher and one of the founding members – along with Lilly Snatchdragon and ShayShay – of the all-Asian cabaret collective The Bitten Peach. All the proceeds of its show at the Underbelly Festival in 2019 went to Rose Thorne’s Cabaret vs Cancer charity. Evelyn now appears in CvC’s fundraising event Ashes to Ashes – a cabaret tribute to David Bowie – at Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club in London on 26 February 2020. She chats to Liz Arratoon.

The Widow Stanton: Where are you from? Evelyn Carnate: I’m now from London but I’m actually half Thai, half English. I grew up in Thailand in Chiang Mai. I went to an international school so that’s why I have this kind of American accent. [Laughs]

Are you from a showbusiness background? I was always obsessed with dancing; I did a lot of ballet and all kinds of dance. I did so much that my parents ended up sending me to a full-time ballet boarding school in England for a few years. It was Arts Educational School in Tring.

Had your family moved here by then? No, my dad is from Bristol but he moved to Asia over 30 years ago and never came back. My family have always been in Asia so I came back on my own.

Did you get straight into burlesque? Oh no, not at all. After dance school I went back to Thailand, then came back to London for art college. I trained as a theatre designer at Central Saint Martins in London. And then I did acting classes on the side and I went, ‘Oh, shit! I’m an actor!’. [Laughs]

So how did you move into burlesque? After graduating from art school, I then did drama school in New York – the William Esper Studio – right in Manhattan. So in my second year of studying I ended up living in a circus studio in Brooklyn – The Muse – and that’s where I fell in to cabaret. It was a training space; a big warehouse for training and they also did shows. Because I was at drama school six or seven days a week I couldn’t really do circus. I really wanted to do aerial but I had no time. I would help out at the shows and directed my little projects there when I had time. Then I saw burlesque and thought, ‘Yeah, I could do that, I could strip’.

Who did you see that inspired you? Oh, some of my flatmates did it. They would do these little showcases so I saw burlesque there and then I started going to the dive bar shows and cabaret clubs, such as The Slipper Room, Nurse Bettie, House of Yes, Duane Park and the Bowery Poetry Club. And all the underground, like alternative New York performance-art shows. And then someone recommended me to go see Jo Boobs at the New York School of Burlesque. She’s a really famous teacher. She runs the school and is a very incredible lady. So I did her beginner course and that was it. We did a showcase and it was just so exhilarating.

You must have real body confidence, which not everyone has… Yeah, I guess also from the dance training my body wasn’t… I didn’t really think about it. I was used to getting changed with other girls and guys and being backstage, you know, in skimpy leotards. I mean if I had to speak onstage without a script I would be very scared… doing stand-up comedy terrifies me more than being naked. [Laughs]

I love your name Thank you. I really love Lulu, the play, and I was reading it and there’s one part where he calls her ‘You little devil incarnate’. And I thought, ‘Ah, Evelyn Carnate! OK!’. 

How does it feel that you’ve won the UK title? I feel very surprised but in a good way. [Laughs] I haven’t really done competitions. They’re very popular in burlesque; it’s a good way for newcomers to get in. I once did another one when I was first starting out, which I won. It was the Alternative Cabaret Battle. I went with an existing act, but for the UK competition I had to prepare a lot; a lot of work went into it. Many people helped me with costumes and polishing the act. I’m happy that an alternative performer won. I’m quite proud of that because I did think they would go for a more classic traditional performer.

So tell us about your style; you call it neo-burlesque… I’ve never worn a corset in any acts yet! So my style… I really love characters, I love stories, so all my acts have quite different characters and even when I’m doing classic I need a clear image and story behind it. I am, in quotes, The Shape Shifting Showgirl, so I do go from really classic slow striptease to quite strange performance-art burlesque. And sometimes people don’t actually recognise that I’m the same performer. I’ve had that a lot: “Oh, you’re the one that did that act? You look so different.” I really enjoy that.

Do you design your own costumes? Yes, because I did theatre design I really love sketching costumes. I sketch all of them but I’m not super-skilled at making so I go to professional people. For this one (pictured with green fans), a lot of people helped me… there’s this amazing lingerie designer called Rosie Von Boschan. It’s the second time I’ve worked with her; her work really inspires me, I guess because it’s not the classic burlesque look. It feels more true to my style and taste. She made the lingerie for my traditional act for the competition and Bourgeoisie made my dress. We had to submit two categories of acts, one traditional and one, they call it ‘unique’. I did my subversive pink fan dance that goes a little bit wild for that. [Laughs]

Why did you set up The Bitten Peach? I co-founded it with two amazing performers, Lilly Snatchdragon, who is a trustee of Cabaret vs Cancer (pictured right below), and ShayShay (centre below). Lilly is a drag queen and burlesque performer and ShayShay is a drag performer. We all had our ideas before of doing an Asian show. I wanted to do an all-Asian burlesque show. I read some things about The Forbidden City in San Francisco, where they would do all these revue shows with Asian performers. That was very inspiring and I just thought, ‘Where are all the Asian burlesque performers? Like, let’s gather them up’.

I planned a little show with Lilly, which never actually happened! Before that, Lilly was working on Polly Rae’s show at the Hippodrome in London, and she had these ideas of doing a big Asian extravaganza with like, lion dancers and traditional things, and was going to get me involved as a producer. ShayShay had already done an Asian show, Lunar New Queer. Lilly and ShayShay met up and decided to do The Bitten Peach together and then they brought me on board.

So, we’re the three founders but we’ve also launched a mentoring programme for new Asian cabaret performers; we call them Peach Fuzzes. We help develop their acts and they debut at a Bitten Peach show. We’re making the programme a bit more official this year. I teach burlesque as well at The Cheek of It! School of Burlesque and Cabaret. And I recently opened my own studio in Hackney Wick, where we will be launching The Bitten Peach workshops for Asian newcomers. The info will be on our website.

Does The Bitten Peach have a regular venue? We’ve been everywhere; at all the kind of iconic LGBTQ venues like The Royal Vauxhall Tavern, The Glory… we move all around and we’ve done a variety of styles, like club nights and theatre shows, more classic cabaret; we do everything. What can you tell us about Ashes to Ashes? All the acts are set to David Bowie’s music; original Bowie tracks, no covers, featuring Bowie from every era. It’s hosted by Benjamin Louche, another Cabaret vs Cancer trustee…

Rose Thorne adds: What a night we have in store! This is the fifth annual Ashes to Ashes show at BGWMC and is very much our cabaret family showing love for Bowie and recognising the influence he’s had on so many of us. Among many others, we have amazing burlesque from Demi Noire, circus from the internationally renowned Andromeda, and, of course, the sound of Bowie from Keith Ramsay, seen recently at Southwark Playhouse. We have a Bowie raffle, badges and our exclusive officially licensed Bowie merchandise. We encourage our audience to dress up and sing loudly! Best of all, every penny raised will support Cabaret vs Cancer.

How is the burlesque scene doing in general? Evelyn: There’s a lot of crossover with burlesque and drag now, which really excites people. I mean drag is so popular now because of RuPaul’s Drag Race and also it’s a lot more diverse than it used to be, especially after The Cocoa Butter Club was founded by Sadie Sinner. She started a regular showcase for performers of colour and Lilly and I and ShayShay have done that. That existed a few years before Bitten Peach and that was definitely an inspiration and has completely changed the way cabaret is cast. It has become much more exciting and diverse.

Can you pick out a highlight from your career? Definitely the Underbelly show for Cabaret vs Cancer. It’s the biggest thing we ever did; there were 22 performers… there were group numbers… and we raised almost £4,000. Also because Lilly’s father passed away a few years ago from cancer and it was really important for her, it was so nice to do it for her as well.

Do you have any particular ambitions? Definitely more Bitten Peach. We’re really on a high right now. We didn’t even expect it to grow so fast, we just thought: “Oh, let’s just get together…” Sometimes I think people think we’re some big organisation but it’s just a few of us like, with our laptops in a coffee shop. But we’re making another full theatre show for March that ShayShay’s writing and directing, and we’d like to do more theatre and theatrical things that we could also possibly tour and get more audiences, especially Asian audiences in the UK and Europe.

Evelyn appears in Cabaret vs Cancer’s fundraising cabaret Ashes to Ashes at Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club in London on 26th February 2020.

Pictures: Corinne Cumming; Claire Seville; Juliet Shalam

For tickets to Ashes to Ashes click here

To donate to Cabaret vs Cancer click here

Evelyn on Facebook

The Bitten Peach’s website

Twitter: @Evelyn_Carnate @cabaretVScancer @bittenpeachuk

Follow @TheWidowStanton on Twitter

[missnight0wl]

HPHM Character Profile: Helena Ellis

Thank you for tagging @callmederok​ ! 😊

I’m tagging anyone who reads this and would like to organise information about their MC. Please, let me know if you do it!

Created by: @cynicaljapanophile​

General Information.

Name: Helena Sarah Ellis Age: Currently 15 Gender: Female Nickname(s): Majority of people, including her friends, call her simply Helena or Helen. During the fifth year, Charlie started calling her Nell. For family members though, she’s Ellie. Date of Birth: 23rd of June, 1973 Astrological/Zodiac Sign: Cancer Ethnicity: Welsh (father’s side), English (mother), American, possibly Jewish (maternal grandmother), Polish (maternal grandfather). Nationality: She was actually born in Cardiff, Wales, so technically she’s Welsh – even though she never lived there, only visited her aunt. Species: Human Blood Type: AB Rh- Blood Status: Half-blood Family:

Christopher Ellis, Helena’s father. A Muggle with a scientific mind who’s fascinated by the wizarding world (sometimes also terrified, especially after Jacob’s disappearance). He is is a Physics teacher in secondary school. Christopher had an older sister, Margaret, but unfortunately, she died of cancer when Helena was eight. His parents passed away as well, even before Chris met his future wife.

Alice Ellis (née Kowalski), Helena’s mother. The only daughter of Queenie Goldstein and Jacob Kowalski. True Hufflepuff, kind and hard-working. She works at the Department of International Magical Cooperation in the Ministry of Magic. Way more powerful than it seems.

Both Queenie and Jacob are a big part of their grandchildren’s life. They’re also close with Tina and Newt. Now, I didn’t spend much time on developing the Scamander family, however, I had a problem with Rolf’s existence in general as he probably should have overlapping years with Jacob and/or Helena. So I decided that Newt and Tina’s son moved to the USA, and that’s actually the relatives from the Christmas SQ. At first, it felt like a stretch, but then I decided that it’s even cute – you know, Tina went to England for Newt, and their son went back to America for his love. Affiliation(s)/Organization(s): 

The Ellis family

The Kowalski family

The Scamander family

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Ravenclaw House

Occupation(s): Student

Magical Characteristics.

Form of Boggart: Her loved ones telling her it’s her fault. Helena blames herself for many things that hurt her friends, and she fears that deep inside, they think so too. She’s afraid that everything that’s happening with the Cursed Vaults is her fault, no matter of her actions. And that Jacob might be dead because she didn’t prevent it in time. Form of Riddikulus: Probably the same people in some light-hearted situations. Like Ben thanking her for believing in him instead of blaming for everything he had gone through. That is assuming she’d be able to cast Riddikulus at all (she probably wouldn’t if she saw Jacob). Form of Patronus:  A Spotted Hare. What do they see in the Mirror of Erised?  Helena wants the most to have a normal life. Not only for the Cursed Vaults shenanigans to be over, but so they never happened. Therefore, she’d probably see herself, her hair in a neat plait, her parents not being overtired, her brother holding his cat, her diary having entries starting with “Dear diary,” instead of “Dear Jacob,”… Just an average girl with the average family. Wand(s): 

First wand:

Length: Twelve inches.

Flexibility: Pliable.

Wood: Acacia.

Core: Unicorn hair.

Description: Given by the game. It is said that Acacia wands often refuse to produce magic for any but their owner, and also withhold their best effects from all but those most gifted. Unicorn hair wands produce the most consistent magic, are the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts and the most faithful. I feel like it’s something Helena needed at that time – something unique and powerful that chose her and will stay loyal to her.

Second wand:

Length: Eleven-and-a-quarter inch.

Flexibility: Fairly flexible.

Wood: Ebony.

Core: Dragon Heartstring.

Description: Given by the game. Highly suited to all manner of combative magic and to transfiguration. Ebony is happiest in the hand of those with the courage to be themselves and hold fast to their beliefs. Frequently non-conformist, highly individual or comfortable with the status of outsider – something that Helena has learnt over the years.

Animagus: A doggo! Pretty similar to the model in the game – just a light brown scrub. Amortentia: Her grandparents' bakery, petrichor, honeysuckle, grass, popcorn.

Appearance.

Height: Currently 163 cm (5’4”). She won’t be much taller by the end of school – pretty average 165 cm. Weight: I don’t know… About 50 kg (110 lbs)? She’s a rather slim girl. She loves to eat but she easily loses weight due to stress. Complexion (skin tone/conditions): Quite fair, probably with some acne every now and then. I mean, she’s a teenager under a lot of stress. Hair Color/Style: Her natural hair is light brown and wavy. In the fifth year, she made it darker – similar to Jacob’s shade. She usually keeps it medium length. Eye Color: Green.

Hogwarts Information.

Worst Class(es): Probably History of Magic. Not necessarily because of the subject (she actually likes to study it with Rowan, and she enjoyed study session with Ismelda), but because of Binns - as the teacher’s role is quite important to her in overall opinion. Also, she’s surprisingly not very good at Care of Magical Creatures. She’s a bit too confident due to everything she learnt at home and from grandpa Newt. She has the knowledge, but it’s not really structured. Luckily, she’s good at improvising and connecting facts. Best Class(es): Charms. Again, for a big part because of the teacher. She also likes how universal it is. Least Favourite Teacher(s): Binns. She respects his knowledge, but she hates his absolute lack of teaching skills. She also didn’t like Snape for quite a long time, but she grew weirdly fond of him. She even learnt to laugh at his jokes. Unfortunately, they’re usually not meant to be jokes… Favourite Teacher(s): Flitwick. She loves his passion, his dedication, his approach to students. She never attended any of her dad’s class, but she often imagines that Christopher and Flitwick are similar kind of teachers: infecting people with love for their subject, sprinkling it with a healthy dose of puns.

Honourable mention: Rakepick. They have their ups and downs on the personal level, but Helena admires her as an educator and a mentor. Quidditch: Meh. She doesn’t play herself. She’s pretty good on a broom, she understands the rules well, but when all the balls start flying around her, she feels lost. She cheers very loudly whenever Charlie or Andre play, but the social aspect of those events is more important to her than the game itself. Favourite Spell(s): Protego and Expecto Patronum.

Trivia.

(random facts about them, future job, face claim, theme song, etc.)

Helena has a piercing in her ear done by Tonks. At some point of the fourth year, Tonks wanted to convince Helena, Tulip, and Rowan to get matching tattoos. You know, because she was always hanging out with Helena and Rowan, she started getting closer with Tulip, and most importantly, she joined the team when they went to the Cursed Vault. Surprisingly, no one wanted a tattoo, but they agreed for piercing. And Helena was stupid enough to go first… The end result is really nice, but the process itself didn’t go as well as planned, making other girls withdrawing from their decision. Also, nobody wanted to pierce Tonks’s ear, and they stopped her from doing it herself.

[elleywestbrookexf]

8.Work experience. 10/03/21

A bit of background...

To date I have had a wide and varied work life/ career. From front of house situations in restaurants and bars, to opening my first business aged 19- a ballgown and lingerie shop. I made all the ballgowns (This was the ‘80′s in Cheltenham...there were a lot of Balls). I worked with young offenders and care leavers in a hostel in Cheltenham, run by Stoneham Housing association.

I helped set up a charity when I was about 18/19 called direct aid to Kenya and organised a massive bed push around Cheltenham for its initial fund raising push, taking in a route of 14 pubs, the rules were that every team member had to have a drink in each pub. It was carnage but I raised £3,000 which was not an inconsiderable sum in 1989. I liaised with the police for temporary road closures (but there was no real policing if I remember rightly). Fancy dress, buckets for collecting, Sponsorship forms. About 20 pubs in the town fielded beds. On reflection it was a massive undertaking and it was just me doing it ...enthusiasm and blind belief that everything would of course turn out brilliantly. Which it did. We built a couple of wells for the village we were supporting. I didn’t do anything else with them after that I don’t think, but I basked in the bed-push success for a while. I like big projects.

After having my first two children I set had a business called Architectural Fireplaces. I was basically a niche antique dealer selling original fireplaces. I grew up in Devon, my parents owned a reclamation yard which is where I learned all about fireplaces (among other things). My ex husband had a surf brand, Slaam, which he ran with his partner Ben. Basically a printed T-Shirt company - Ben did all the designs. That branched out into Big Boys toys and we owned a surf shop in (land-locked) Cheltenham called Ocean Deep. I sold the fireplace shop (stupidly) and helped them run their business. At one time we had three shops, with three different businesses in Cheltenham and 3 kids.

Mayhem but never boring.

We set up a toy company called Bionic putty - sunk all our money into it, very successful for 18 months and then the bottom fell out of the putty market! 

Divorce pushed me in another direction and I moved to Herefordshire with the kids (now 4 of them) and became an Aga demonstrator and recipe developer. for about 6 years I wrote monthly columns in various local Magazines. Most notably Welsh Border Life and Live 24/7 (as Betty Twyford).

So far (and this is the edited version) I have had a varied work experience. I am a keen supporter of refugees and have volunteered in 3 of the camps in Northern France, ‘The Jungle’, The Dunkirk camp (Grand Synthe) and a much smaller camp in Norrentes Fonts. I still raise awareness about the refugee situation, volunteer when time permits for a local charity called People in Motion and organise a fund raiser at least once a year to benefit PIM and RCK (refugee community kitchen). My latest events have been held at Cup Ceramics in Hereford where I got ceramicists to make me a bowl/s or cups and then I filled them with soup, charged £10 and the customer kept the bowl. This was a huge success and really enjoyable. I like working with people and am very community focused. 

I must admit to being a little bit all over the place on the run up to deciding what to go for in terms of work experience in the art world. To date I have organised or helped organise two venues during Hereford Arts Week: h.Art. The first was at my place of work in Leominster (Aga Twyford). We had 7 artists showing, majored heavily on cakes and coffees, raised lots of money for PIM, but looking back it was a horribly curated event and that was down to my inexperience and wish to people please. There were positives however and uppermost is the very real desire to be far more professional in the future. Ian Pennell and I headed up an h.Art venue in 2019 at All Saints Church and Ian secured the backing of the college. Again we had about 6 exhibitors all linked to HCA. That was a more professional outfit I believe, however...exhibiting in a cafe is awful because who wants to stand, hovering over people eating their lunch in order to look at the art? People did come but it was a tricky thing to negotiate the tables. I did at least sell some work so that was a plus and it was another learning curve. 

I would like to learn how to curate successfully, how to run a Community Interest Gallery and studios without it ending up looking like a church craft market. I already know how to run a cafe, cook for it and devise a really good menu (so there’s that).The community interest gallery and studios I am hoping to start learning about on a zoom call with Brendan Barry. He has generously suggested this and I just need to approach him with some dates. Dan is sounding out Meadow Arts, meanwhile and in a completely different turn I have approached the Foundation Course here at HCA and Mandy Pritchard in particular (fine art tutor) asking for some work experience. At the very same time Dan approached Mandy on my behalf and it was agreed in seconds. I’m probably going to be presenting my work and shadowing Mandy next Thursday and Friday (and possibly on the Monday). I will need to ok this with Mark whose Thursday lecture and teaching day I’ll be missing and Simon as I will be missing his Friday afternoon session. Given that it is a completely different direction to what I have been outlining I wonder why I am so ridiculously excited? I actually cannot wait (which is interesting). 

Dan’s email approach on my behalf to Mandy and her reply to me. (Dan’s was the better written approach).

Hi Mandy,

Would you guys be up for hosting Elley Westbrook for some sessions to get some experience for her Exploring Futures module?

She is keen to come over to talk to Foundation and Portfolio students about her work and theirs, to get some tutoring experience at FE level.

Thanks

Dan

Mandy:

You’re in

X

Start next week

Me:

Fab!

Thanks... but should we discuss what days? 😁

Elley

Hi

Thursday or Friday is best - Portfolio days. I'm in on Mondays too, but only FAD students. I'm going to start some informal seminars on a range of themes to kick start the final major project. You could talk about your work. When would you like to do that Elley?

Hope the family are well, sending best wishes, Mandy

Me:

Monday is good for me and I expect I could get Mark to agree a Thursday off next week.

So potentially Monday/Thursday and Friday.

I can talk about my work whenever you like. Give me a day or two’s notice to make up a power point.

I’ve been working in projection photography and finding out about camera obscura recently. Also stitch. So quite diverse but always narrative led.

Elley

So that is the story so far...

11/03/21 Update: work experience at Foundation has to be put off until after the Easter break. I may join on teams.

[thenewgentlemangolfer]

No beating around the bushes

Howking and talking with Mr Denis Rice

This is a slightly edited version of an article published by Bunker/s Up last year. 

While the horrible orange POTUS Donald Trump is doing his utmost to give golf back the bad name it has suffered from for so many years, there are others working hard within our beloved Royal & Ancient game to make the world, if not a better, but at least a more pleasant place.

We’ve been to towns, where the local clubhouse provides meals-on-wheels for the elderly and an after-school safe-haven for kids, preventing teens from joining gangs. Disadvantaged youngsters in the slums of Mumbai work as caddies at the nearby country club and dream of someday turning pro. In Kabul, an old professional has stoically overcome the Soviet regime, the Taliban oppression and the wars to go with both. Left and right of his club’s fairways landmines still lay, but he will not give up.

Golf is thus far more than rich fat white old men in terrible cloths and clean-shaven, highly-paid professional athletes, who – we must admit – brilliantly belt the ball for miles. The game can teach modesty, precision and patience. It can be a method of self-improvement, a place for meditation, kindness and, of course, fun. Hickory-golfers show us the beauty of minimalism, trick-shot artists can make us question the rules of physics.

It’s this spirit of the game and its characters we cherish and love.

And that’s is why, on a freezing cold morning in late April, we find ourselves crawling through the thorn-clad gorse of the beautiful Montrose golf course, eagerly following an elderly gentleman into the bushes.

 But, we are getting ahead of ourselves.

We first stumbled across Denis Rice in one of British filmmaker Anthony Baxter’s documentaries. Anthony’s “You have been Trumped”, “A dangerous Game”, and “You have been Trumped again” give testimony to the fight of a few very resistive Aberdeenshire locals against the kraken that goes by the name of “The Trump Organisation”. The films focus on the villainous bullying and harassing of people, whose only wrongdoing was to oppose Trump’s gigantic multi-million pound development on the northeast coast of Scotland.

In “A Dangerous Game!” Denis appears as an interview partner and takes the viewer on a strange but humorous ball-finding tour over his home course. Humbly counteracting Trump’s megalomania, Denis Rice brings a little comic relief to an otherwise extremely serious film. 

Clad in two pairs of trousers, three tops, wearing high wellington boots, a woolly cap and bright red welder’s gloves for further protection against the prickly thorns of the whins, Denis doesn’t say a lot. But what he says made us want to meet him. 

He picks me up at the hotel. An 84-years old gentleman with intelligent, warm bespectacled eyes that show sincere interest in everything and everybody. His handshake is firm and friendly. Looking up at me, he grins: “You’re a lot different than I imagined!” He insists on holding the passenger-door while I fold myself into his tiny car before he drives us through the ice-cold rain along the grey streets of Montrose.

He’s sorry that we won’t be playing golf together, but the dreadful weather and his legs won’t permit. He’s fine walking around, but admits that he’s not too good at standing still at the moment. “Age!” he shrugs with a dismissive chuckle.

It takes only seconds and we’re in an easily flowing conversation. Royal Montrose’s clubhouse is a mere 5 minutes drive, but before we get there we have already cut into topics as diverse as Catholicism, the capitalistic-pharmaceutical complex, the fishing industry, grandchildren, boarding schools, bullying, golf history and costal erosion. Denis’ views are enlightened; he is full of wit and irony. Before long we are both laughing out loud. The 40-year age gap is forgotten and there is something about him that immediately puts you at ease. Ten minutes after meeting, I feel like I’ve known him forever.

„If heaven is no better than this, it will be good enough for me.“ Denis smiles pointing out towards the famed links, where golf has been played since 1562. Montrose boasts one of the oldest courses in the world: The 5th oldest to be correct. Nobody knows the original architect, but if you ask Denis Rice, it was most likely God himself.

The view on offer today is stunning. Sipping your coffee behind the clubhouse windows, you can see far beyond the starting tee of the Medal Course and all the way up to the first green, pitched high in the dunes.

The rain has been driven off. But the spring sun is deceiving, it is still bitter cold and a strong northerly wind chases clouds high above the glittering links, their shadows speed across gorse-framed fairways and greens. This part of the world has marvellous skies; they seem to go on forever and ever. The course beckons you and the links here can steal your golfing heart, making you want to stay for good.

That is exactly what Denis Rice did in the late eighties, when he came back to his birth town to, well, die, as he laughingly explains.

 Denis was born in Montrose, in a house just a short wedge-shot off the links, in a room looking out towards the dunes.

Like most golfers here, he simply grew into the game. An early photo shows an adorable four-year old, holding a golf club, addressing a ball. That was 1937. Eighty years ago.

Golf ran in his family. It was what you did. As a schoolboy, he would ask his mother, an avid golfer herself, when she would be serving dinner. Depending on how much time was left, he would dart out to the links and play as many holes as possible. Dashing across the fairways, taking shortcuts through the dunes, young Denis learnt to play the game by doing. His self-taught golf hasn’t seen a lesson in all his life. And his short flat backswing is typical for the wind- proven golfers of the north-eastern coast. They keep the ball flat around here. A shot struck too high into the wind will not find the short grass. Here, you knock down on the ball and let it roll up to the green. You play with the land; you use its contours, its bumps and hollows. And bumps and hollows there are many.

 Denis in the middle

Young Denis was destined to become a catholic priest. But before his well-meaning, though ill-advised parents sent him away to boarding school, he spent happy years in the town and on the links. He mentions his boarding school years with dread, but also with the prudent smile of a man who has made his peace.

Luckily, a beautiful girl put an end to priesthood plans and Denis focused on philosophy, studying ethics and the German enlightener Kant. After a stint as a social worker, he took on the job as an ethics lecturer at a university in England where he and his wife lived until early retirement in the eighties.

On returning to Montrose, he was diagnosed with cancer but survived, he had a heart attack on the links once and also survived. Denis is not done with life yet and sees everyday as a bonus.

Time flies and the hours are blown away, like clouds over the dunes, as we speak. Politics, we both bemoan the madness of Trump’s election, the upcoming brexit and the rude end of the European dream. We discuss the drastic impact of climate change. Denis can remember when the links of Montrose where far more inland, than they are today. He remembers tee boxes that have been swept into the sea and holes now lost forever. We talk of a mutual love for big-skies and landscape painting. We delve into religion and philosophy. And while he might have found intellectual challenge and satisfaction in Kant, Denis never stopped believing in God. He is an observant but defiant Catholic. And finally, yes finally we speak of BALLS – lost and found.

1992, after recovering from cancer, Denis began his somewhat different career of collecting golf balls. Since then, he has hardly missed a day on the links. Donning his “howking” attire, he only has to cross the road to reach his hunting grounds.

What originally began as a way to keep fit (howking is quite demanding), soon turned into a beloved, well-practised and meticulously documented passion. Some might say obsession. Denis lists every single ball found on every single day of the year. He has filled pages and pages of charts. Long rows of numbers bear witness to his activities. These handwritten documents contain hidden patterns and carry an alternative history of the links. Bent over the pages, Denis can easily point out different events, noteworthy occasions and big tournaments, just by reading the numbers. More expensive balls can be found around pro-ams and Open-Qualifying events, mostly on the left. Pre-used and cheaper balls are more likely to be found in the bushes to the right, where the everyday slicer tends to send his Top-Flites. Days after especially windy periods peak the numbers, while winter months give smaller harvest.

And it’s not only balls that can be found in the astonishingly huge whins: Flagpoles and flags, tee-markers, rakes and stakes and boundary posts mysteriously find their way into the hollow bushes, all to be retrieved by Denis Rice.

Over the years, he has collected and documented an average of approx. 4000 golf balls per year. But what does one do with all these used balls?

The answer is stunningly simple. You give them away – for free.

The bottom of his sheets is reserved for details. Here, Denis lists what happens to his findings. The most useless ones are binned, thrown away, better ones donated to the local pro for junior training. Others he gives to kids on the golf course, but the best are thoroughly cleaned and go to charity.

The lady at the Montrose Oxfam Store, (“Mr Rice, of course I know Mr Rice! He’s a gentleman of the kind you can hardly find anymore!”) will happily show you a box, from which you can pick your choice. Some estimate that over the years, Denis Rice has helped raise more than 70.000 Pounds for charity just by collecting these lost and forsaken balls.

But Denis would never boast about the sum. Although he is extremely happy that someone somewhere in the world will benefit from his efforts, howking nearly works as an end in itself. There is an almost zen-like quality to his labour. For as long as golf is played on the links, balls will be lost. And as long as balls are lost, there is howking to be done.

Never have I seen a man of his age fall to his knees so elegantly and crawl under a bush in the vague prospect of finding a ball. (To be honest, I have never seen anyone do it before) “I’m a Catholic, what do you expect?” Denis laughs, “Kneeling down is half of it!”

And while we are out in the bushes, I can hardly keep up with him as we enter the strange and entangled world behind the yellow bloom of the gorse. I feel a bit like a clumsy Alice stumbling behind a wellington-wearing rabbit into another world…

Denis’ activity has attracted press and media from near and far. He has been called a “golf fanatic” and a “ball finding machine” and the “perfect advertisement for staying fit in your 80s”. But possibly the most humorous description comes from the man himself. In his 2016 note to Montrose Links Company Secretary Claire Penman, he, with the self-deprecating irony typical of certain British gentlemen with higher education, calls himself and his activities, “downright neurotic, anal and utterly obsessional”. 

But whatever you might think, whatever he might think, Mr Denis Rice is one of our most favourite golfing characters ever. A true gentleman.

[soldmymoralstothedevil]

Super Detailed Character Sheet

I had a need for a super long and detailed character sheet so I decided to combine a lot of different sheets I found and add my own questions.  There are a lot of questions relating to contemporary things (ex. character’s favourite avenger) these can either be ignored or answered as if the character fits to the question. It is mainly meant for original characters in a non-high-fantasy setting but can still be used for such, I would just advise to find a small character sheet for more detailed questions about their high-fantasy deviations from reality. 

Use as you want, but please like or reblog if you do. 

I apologise for any mistakes, this took forever and I did not read it all through once more. 

THIS HOLDS 430+ QUESTIONS IN VARIOUS SUBJECTS WITH A MISCELLANEOUS PART IN THE END WITH RANDOM/FUNNY QUESTIONS. 

Basics/General:

Name: Origin of name: Nickname: Origin of nickname: Does character like nickname?: Birth Date: Place of Birth: Ethnic Background: Citizenship status: Socioeconomic Background: Different from childhood?:

Birth date: Time of day (either exact or morning/evening etc.) Western sign: Traits associated with this: Chinese sign: Traits associated with this:

Current Address: Renting place or owning place?: Apartment, house, trailer, castle etc.?: What floor / how many floors (attic / basement?): How big: Live alone or with someone?: Area where they live (city, town, rural, other?): How close to the neighbours: Do they have a garden: How does it look: (Flower garden, pool, unkempt, paved, terrace, fields etc.) Is this ideal home type/location?: If not; what would be?: Why not live there: Home decor: (Carefully planned, comfortable, fashionable etc.) Expensive OR inexpensive: Neat OR Cluttered: What are the walls decorated with: (Wallpaper, art, photos, newspaper clippings etc.) What type of curtains: (Frilly, lacy, venetian blinds, pull down shades etc.) Is their house clean: Do they clean it themselves: What’s a visitors first impression: How does their workspace look like: (Small and cramped, huge and expansive, covered in books and papers, neatly organised, they don’t have any, all on a computer, artsy with colourful folders and small baskets etc.) What colour are their sheets: What material:

Does character have pets: How many: What kind: If no; why: How important are they: How well treated:

Sexuality: Marital status: With whom: For how long (dating + marriage): Children: (Names, ages, other parents—basics)

Three words to describe character:

Physical Appearance:

Age: Appear as: Gender: Species / Race: Signs of this (compared to humans): Signs of this (compared to other creatures in world): Height: (Cm + inches/feet) Weight: (Kg, lbs, stone) Bodytype: (Skinny, slim, athletic, curvy, overweight, muscular etc.) Eye colour: Glasses, contacts, hearing aids: Grooming: Very neat / average / clean but sloppy / unkempt Why: Facial hair: Hair: Style: (Long, short, crewcut, locs, bangs, side-part etc.) Texture: (Thick, thin, wiry, smooth, wavy, curly, nappy etc.) Colour (natural & current): Skin tone: (Pale, ivory, ruddy, tan, olive, brown, black etc.) Prominent features (+ location): (Freckles, moles, scars, tattoos, birthmarks, others) Story behind those: Most distinguishing feature: Face shape: (Round, oval, chubby, thin, long, square, heart shaped etc.) Looks most like: (Eg. Famous person, family member) General level of attractiveness:

Describe character in a paragraph (around 100 words):

Handedness: Left / Right General health: Chronic conditions: Current health problems: Allergies: Any visible signs of these:

How does character dress: Expensive / Average / Inexpensive / Cheap Haute Couture / Conservative / Trendy / Eclectic / Business / Sexy / Gaudy / Casual / Sloppy General size for Shirts: Skirts: Socks/Shoes: (Different sizes for different types eg. Rollerblades, stilettos, ski boots etc.) Dresses to be noticed: YES or NO Jewellery: Anything special: Make-up: (Casual, fancy, colourful, smokey, blending, noticeable, to hide something etc.) Other accessories:

Habits, Lifestyle and Emotional Characteristics:

Does character drive: What vehicle (make, model, colour, age etc.): Pace:

Accent / Dialect: Voice Tone: (Shrill, high, average, deep, squeaky, hoarse, harsh, authoritative, cultured etc.) Favourite / habitual: Word: Phrase: Curse word: General vocabulary / speech pattern: (Educated, precise, pretentious, average, childish, uneducated, vulgar etc.)

Mannerisms / Demeanour: Cool & Confident / Volatile & Moody / Nervous & Fidgety & Shy / Other Typical Posture: Stiff & Rigid / Straight not stiff / average OR varies w/mood / slumped & defeated / slouchy & careless / relaxed / Other Gestures: Not much / deliberate & controlled / Only when excited OR upset / Often / Wildly OR Weirdly Common gestures/habits: (Nail-biting, hair patting, drumming fingers, clenched fists, hands in pockets etc.) (Smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling) Are these addictions:

Finances: (Prudent/cautious, average w/some debt, lives paycheque to paycheque, deep in debt, criminal etc.) How do they act with their money: (Misery, generous, helpful etc.)

Morning routine: Alone or with someone in bed: Time to wake: Number of alarms (or other means of waking): Cheerful or loathsome: Normal breakfast: Breakfast activity: (Read, tv, feed pets etc.) Afternoon/Workday routine: Work home or out or not: How do they get to work: Like/hate work: Just their work or all work: Good at their job/enthusiastic: Length of workday: Number of workdays per week: Vacations, sickness, social security and other perks: Where/how do they get lunch: Dinner routine: Eat at home or out: Favourite restaurant: Favourite meal to make: Hated restaurant: Hated meal: What happens during dinner: (Tv, conversation, fighting, reading etc.) Who cleans/makes food: Food life style: (Healthy, fast food, mix, paleo, vegan, vegetarian etc.) Evening routine: What do they do in evening: Where: With whom: What is ideal evening: Bedtime routine: Normal bedtime (if any): Fall asleep right away or lie awake: Sleeps well or poorly: Dream activity: (A lot, never, little, in bursts) (Pleasant, sexual, scary, imaginative) Reoccurring dreams:

Hobbies: (Sports, arts, collecting, gaming etc.) Means of exercising (if any): What does the character do for relaxation: For inspiration: Does character read the newspaper: What part of it:

Personality, Mentality and Personal Beliefs:

Psychological issues: (Phobias, depression, paranoia, narcissism etc.) Pessimist or optimist: MBTI personality type:

Most comfortable when: (Alone, with friends, drinking, outside, inside etc.) Most uncomfortable when: (In a crowd, alone, speaking in public, taking exam etc.)

Approach to life: Cautious / Brave / Reckless Compassionate & sensitive / self-involved & selfish / Oblivious Personal philosophy: Reaction in a crisis: Usual areas of problems: (Romance, finances, friends, colleagues, personal flaws, health etc.) Reaction to change: What are their greatest stressors: What could the character be blackmailed due to: Would they let themselves be blackmailed:

What does character value / prioritise most: (Family, money, religion, success etc.) Why is it not the same thing: Characters greatest strength: Greatest flaw: Other strengths: Other flaws: What does the character like most/least about themselves: What do they think others think of them: Are they correct: What would they like to change about themselves: How confident are they:

Willing to die for: Has the character written a will: Willing to kill for: Biggest embarrassment: Greatest wish: Biggest regret: Other regrets: Proudest accomplishment: Other accomplishments: Biggest secret(s): Does anybody else know those: Does character know that those people know: How were they revealed: Is it okay they know: How far will character go to protect their secret(s): What does the character work to gain / keep / protect: Biggest fear:

Quirks: Seven things characters hate about others: (Physical appearance, behaviour, opinion etc.) Characters greatest virtue: Characters greatest vice: What vice and virtue does character like least in others: What is the worst crime anyone can commit according to character: What is a crime but should not be (if any) according to character: What are their pet peeves:

Prejudice: (Race, culture, sexuality, religion, alignment, class, profession etc.) Are they aware: Do they care:

Monogamous or uncommitted: If latter, honest with partner: Sexual behaviour: (Inhibited, average, experimental, reckless) Has this changed over the years: Why:

Political party / beliefs: What kind of government would they rather follow: Democracy / Monarchy / Anarchy / Aristocratic rule / Oligarchy / Matriarchy / Patriarchy Believe in fate / destiny: Any superstitions: Believe in magic, myth and the supernatural: Religion: Degree of commitment: Visibly religious or only personally: Defensive of faith/religion: Is/Was it the typical religion where they grew up/live: How did/does this affect them:

Does character know their family history: Their country’s history: Did they participate / shape / witness any of this: Any other interesting histories: (The church around the corner of their childhood home, their school, their current home etc.) Is character patriotic:

History:

Home town (and country if it differs from current): Stayed in one place or move around: What place did character like the most and why: The least: Childhood: (Happy, troubled, dull) Is it an accurate memory:

Earliest memory: Saddest memory: Happiest memory: Clearest memory: Not sure if true memory: Scariest memory: Most significant childhood event/memory: Other significant events/memories:

Have they committed a(several) crime(s): What did they do: Punishment: Falsely accused or not: Would they be capable of killing a person:

First crush: First sexual experience: Positive or negative: With another gender: Positive or negative: Other first sexual experiences: Positive or negative:

Major accidents or traumas: Still affected: How:

Family, Origin and Other Relations:

Mother: Full name + maidens name: Current status + age: Occupation (prior): Relation with character: Do they feel the same way: Prior marriages if any: Children from here: Socioeconomic background as a child:

Father: Full name: Current status + age: Occupation (prior): Relation with character: Do they feel the same way: Prior marriages if any: Children from here: Socioeconomic background as child:

Step-/foster-/birthparents: Character adopted (or otherwise did not live with their birth parents): Why: Do they know: Siblings: (Name, age, birth order, relation with each) Nieces / Nephews: In-Laws: Children: (Name, age, birth order, relation with each) Other important family: (Cousins, aunts/uncles, grandparents etc.) Ideal family (either future family or current):

Is there a black/white sheep of the family: Who: How did they end up like that: Does the character agree with this position: Is there a notorious or celebrated ancestor in the family: Do people’s opinion of the character change when they learn of their ancestry:

If married: Describe proposal: Describe meeting: Happy marriage: Nicknames for spouse: Prior romantic partners:

Best / closest friend: Same as in childhood: When did they meet: How did they become friends: Other close friends:

How is character perceived by / react to..: Friends: Strangers: Spouse / Lover: Past spouse / lovers: Children: Their children: Other family members: The opposite sex: Superiors: Inferiors: Service workers: Competitors: Authority: (Police, IRS, politicians, attorneys, doctors etc.) People who challenge them: People who anger them: People who ask for help: Most likeable trait: Biggest flaw:

Who do they dislike the most: Why: Do they have enemies: Like the most: Why: Most important person in their life: Why: Has it been others: Will it be others in the story:

Important people they lost contact with: Why: Worst end of relationship: Who do they rely on for practical advise: For emotional advise / support: Whom do they support:

Whom do they most admire: Biggest influence:

Career and Training:

Current occupation: Time employed: Location: Job title: Job satisfaction: Income Level: Education: Significant past jobs: Time in school: Type of school: Does character like school: Were they good in school: (GPA) Best subjects: Worst subjects: Did the character choose their own line of occupation or were they pushed by parents:

Skills: Intelligence level: Talents: What do they suck at:

Miscellaneous and Character Development:

Favourites and Least favourites: Food: Drink: Colour: Book: Movie: Music/song: TV: Sport: Motto/Quote: Hangouts: Possession: Smell: Taste: Sound: Animal:

Make your character choose / what fits the character best: Tear down / Build up Deliberate / Spontaneous Town / Country Deaf / Blind Logic / Emotion Greedy / Generous Humble / Obnoxiously proud Eat fast / savour Sweet / savoury Spicy / Bland Black-White reality / nuanced reality Leader / Follower Explain any/all of the above answers

What music do they listen to: When they are sad: When they work out: When in love: When cooking: On Public transport: What books do they like reading: Do they read the newspaper: What section:

What Hogwarts House would they be sorted into: If they committed a crime, what would it be (ignore if they have committed a crime): Which Avenger is their favourite: If they entered Hunger Games, what would be their strategy: Which FRIENDS character.. Are they: Do they want to be: Do they hate the most: It is movie-/TV-show marathon night, what do they watch: Who is their celebrity and fictional crush: What starter Pokemon would they choose: Does the type change with different gens: If they got a time machine, where would they travel first: Within their own life: If they could not visit their own life (would they visit past or future): What house would they belong to in A Song of Ice and Fire:

What can they not live without: Favourite Halloween costume: Favourite holiday: Best thing to do on a rainy day: How is their handwriting: Do they get motion sick, air sick, sea sick: Do they keep journals:

What is in their: Fridge: Purse / bag Backpack Wallet Medicine Cabinet Glove compartment Junk Drawer Locker Desk Pockets

What would be their 3 wishes from a genie: What is the top item on their bucket list: Imagine the character looking down at their feet, describe what they see: (What do they wear, where are they, what do they notice, what would other notice, does their neck hurt, do they like/dislike what they see etc.) If they had 24 hours to live, what would their last day consist of (alternatively, choose 5 things they would do before they die): How do they determine their passwords: Are they easy to figure out for other people:

Long term goals: Does character plan to achieve those: How: Why not: Will others be affected and does it matter to character: What is stopping character from reaching those goals: Do they achieve those goals: How does it change them: Was it as satisfying as they imagined: Short term goals: Does character plan to achieve those: How: Why not: Will others be affected and does it matter to character: What is stopping character from reaching those goals: Do they achieve those goals: How does it change them: Was it as satisfying as they imagined:

[neth-dugan]

Nine Worlds 2017

This is a slightly lengthy report but meh. Tumblr has a ‘skip to next post’ function so what the heck.

I managed to get a pre-con cold rather than the traditional post-con one, which I’ve managed to give to @knittedace​ as well, oops. I did have hand gel on me and tissues to minimise the spread. If I gave anybody else my cold I’m sorry!

I met up with @knittedace​ on the Thursday. We were meant to go to the Natural History Museum but I’d been off work sick the previous day and just couldn’t do it. No energy. Instead we met up at the hotel itself and as soon as we could get into the room we unpacked and I took a nice and much needed nap.

We went to the ‘Cheese and Cheese’ evening event, one of two events to welcome people to the convention. There was cheese of both the literal and literary variety to be enjoyed. I read out a riveting and very cheesy Power Rangers VHS tape description, but the best was a very cracky, rather explicit Doctor Who one that had the entire room in hysterics. I was laughing so much I was coughing up a lung.

FRIDAY

I was initiated into the Order of the Dalek! Learnt how to put on @knittedace​‘s knitted Dalek costume - something I got better at as the weekend went on. I also came across some great cosplays, and @knittedace​ got to pose with a Missy and Thirteenth Doctor. She’ll post the pic if she wants to. 

In the morning I decided to go for something different from what I usually go to. We’d met the woman running some of the kids panels and she invited us along. So I went. It was pretty cute, gave the parents some adults to be around too and just played some simple games. Don’t really get to do that ever. And then there was a fun story that was like some kind of Dinosaur version of Planet of the Apes but about environmental issues and written a few decades back.

Then I went to a crafty thing in which we all made hair bands! Met some great teens, two of whom had made their own cosplays. For one it was her fourteenth birthday and she ended up having to help me out because I’m rubbish at this stuff. We had some good talks fandom but also human orientations and labels and just being happy with who you are.  Oddly we all also ended up in the next thing which was basically free tea and cake with tables to chat at. 

I came across this same group of teens at this con, all through the weekend. They’re all smart and for all that they’re still growing up and maturing they’re great people already.

I was given the green tea left ofter after. Yay free tea!

Toxicity in Fandom was my next stop. Nothing particularly surprising but still a good talk that had someone who had once been a part of those hostile groups though they’ve grown up and are better now. It also touched on how the toxicity doesn’t just come from the traditional bigots and gamergate type folk, but also people from those who use the language of social justice to bully rather than for good. The folk who live up to all the bad things people throw at the ‘sjw’ name.

Nine at Nine Worlds: Nine Tropes which was about, well, tropes in fan fic. Nine of us presenting five minutes on our favourite trope. It had the return of Nina - Lady of the Puppets - and then I did mine on ‘Time Travel Fix It Fics’. Went well. People laughed. Someone the next day pulled me aside to have a chat about it. Apparently I accidentally made them read loads of fic with the trope. Oooops. There was also a dramatic 007/Q power point fic reading that I helped out with, to lots of laughter.

There was also a late night game of Slash, with my home made deck, with other members of that panel including Tanya who had lead it. Tanya, for those who don’t know, was co-head of the Fan Fiction track back when tracks were organised differently and there was a specific Fan Fiction track. She’s still a big part of the fan works type stuff and is pretty damn awesome. She’s been there to help me out when I needed it and is pretty brilliant. There were also others who just came and joined in and that’s the beauty of these things. But then it was time for bed.

SATURDAY

Before any panels started, me and @knittedace​ met up with the person who’d be our third in Sunday’s Redemption round table to have a real world chat over breakfast which was fun. I’ve no idea if he has a tumblr ID to tag him in however. I’d wanted to have someone who knew about anime on there because neither me or @knittedace​ know anything about it. I know about Yuri on Ice but not much else. And though it’s mostly a workshop it is a bit panel so yeah. We had a great talk. And food.

We found the infamous ‘TARDIS full of Bras’ cosplayer. For those who don’t know there was a comment on a British newspaper site that is our version of Fox saying that the new Doctor couldn’t be a woman because then the TARDIS would be full of bras. So some brilliant soul went and turned this into a cosplay and just…. love. Again the pic I have is of Helen too so it’s up to her to post it. But seriously, OMG LOVE.

Time Travel and Film was our first panel of the day. We both got there in time for the hall to be mostly empty. I had on my TNG uniform hoodie thing with my comms badge pin so we get this photo:

The talk itself was also fun. Presented by an actual university lecturer on Philosophy, and turns out she was also the woman on a panel I’d be running later in the day. I looked at her name on the power point, down at the names I had for the panel and up again and went ‘huh’. Seriously though, good lecture about time travel from the perspective of philosophy rather than physics and its different possible models.

I was talking to some folk and the lecturer after, @knittedace​ having already left when I got a text from her saying there was a Londo cosplayer outside. I sped out there as fast as I could to find this fantastic person:

I have no idea their name or anything other than they were determined to remain in character and had a wife who sounded a bit bemused and long suffering of it all. Kinda reminded me of my mom trying to deal with my dad actually.  He was really fun though. (ETA: I am told that he is @TheWarLlama on twitter) (ETA2: Apparently the woman wasn’t his wife. I just assumed because the dynamic going on reminded me of my mom lol. Oops. )

Queer Coding in Disney was my next stop. The person doing it did a good job. Made sure they explained what queer coding was in the first place for those who didn’t know and then went through Disney. Talked about films I didn’t know much about, and there was some talk about how some of this also intersected with other minorities and representation of various people.

After that I went upstairs for a nap. I was tired, still had that damnable cold, and wanted to be my best for my panel. I missed a panel slot with content but self care is important so up I went.

But then I was back! With my Hufflepuff scarf and wand! And still in my Starfleet uniform hoodie!

I think on the way into the panel hall someone said something like ‘hello Commander’ and I was a bit confused. Mostly because I didn’t have any pips so couldn’t be an officer but that’s a small thing and I think I smiled back?

In any case, next up was my panel. Which upon arriving at the convention I discovered was to be held in the largest room at the convention. Eeeep!

Dumbledore: Good or Evil? Went pretty well. At least one member of my panel was surprised it was ever even a debate, but she none the less stood up and argued for good. She was the above mentioned philosophy lecturer so debating is kind of her thing. She comes at it very much from a philosophical theory perspective though which I think caught out one or two people in the audience going from twitter. A person took a picture and stuck it on their twitter. You can find that here. I’m in the middle.

There was a lot of talk about how Dumbles does or doesn’t use his power for people, abandoning Harry, the things that go on in his school under his responsibility, and at one point he was compared to Boris Johnson. How he seems to be about consequences more than the actions themselves. Is it intent or your actions that make you good or evil? Does the era that the man grew up in excuse things? Does the fact that there was a war coming/going on excuse things or not?

There was a question at the end about him being a slave owner due to house elves. That…. I had red sirens screaming in my head there. Thankfully it was with hardly any time to go. It’s a very good question. Something worth looking at. But nobody on the panel had any real place speaking on it. The philosopher took it, but she took it from literally a philosophical perspective rather than a moral one which probably came off wrong to some. Because yeah, that wasn’t a moral stance. I didn’t really know what to do there other than internally panic a bit and try to move on as fast as I could with a ‘this could be a whole other panel and should be’ thing.

I was so worried about not being neutral that I didn’t step in to point things out or ask things when looking back I wish I had. There are things about that I’d have liked to improve but largely the response seemed to be good. I learnt from it. We had a vote at the end on of the audience thought Dumbledore was ‘good, ‘evil or bad leaning’ or ‘it’s complicated guys leave us alone’. The result was a mixed bag with lots of complicated so I guess that wins. People did come up to chat to us when we were still on stage after it ended to thank us for this or that. I’d warded off a comment from team Evil that was about cheating but could also have come across as anti-poly and so someone thanked me for that.

Druids, Deities and Daemons: Archeological Horrors in ‘Doctor Who’ was my next thing. It wasn’t particularly exciting but it was an interesting look at how the show portrays archeology from an Egyptologist who had a delightful manner of presentation. You can tell he’s upper middle or upper class but he isn’t snooty and he’s just really cheerful and into his thing. Which is always a joy to see. He wasn’t fond of Ten saying that as a time traveller he laughed at archaeologists. Fair.

Ageism in fanworks/fandom was a panel Tanya had asked me to be on last minute when playing Slash the night before. So I had no prep time and possibly a few people were confused as to why an extra person was sat up there. I was probably the youngest person on there, no worries. But interestingly also the only person who had actually grown up in fandom rather than finding it as an adult. It was interesting, throwing up different experiences with fandom and how it sees age, how it changes. But also how media sees us. How it expects women to age out of fandom but for male fans to be the sad lonely people in the basement forever. 

Space Opera! SF&F in Musicals was a unique panel, for me anyway. Held in the lower levels with half the room covered by bean bags. By this point I could barely walk. I don’t know why, something happened to my legs and I found it increasingly hard to walk through the day. @knittedace​ said I should grab a priority access sticker but I’d have felt like a fraud even as I slowly limped my way around the place so i didn’t. But I managed to get a chair anyway so yay!

The person presenting it was drunk. I thought they were just mellow. It had originally been designed as an academic thing but given when it was scheduled it became a kind of guided tour of musical SF/F complete with YouTube clips, sarcastic comments from the audience and much fun. Also singing along sometimes.  I lost the key to my room. It later turned out I’d left it there when I awoke from my nap but I couldn’t find @knittedace​ so I got reception to invalidate the old ones and issue new ones. With slightly disturbing ease come to think of it. And that was that.

SUNDAY

Marvel v DC Fanworks was the first panel of the morning. Chaired by a very very very tired Tanya who was having a hard time of it I think. It was a good conversation but you could tell she didn’t have the energy to chair it as she might want to. I was sat next to the birthday girl from Friday who is smart and knows her stuff and was very very excited. So excited she frequently interrupted and spoke over others. I don’t blame her. She was excited and we’ve all been there. I’ve been there. And ideally it is the chair’s job to gently deal with that but as I said, tired. In the end a person left the room when they got talked over once too often. I don’t blame either. It sucks to be talked over, especially for some people who find that really hard. And though I’m sad she left I understand it.

But I’ve been a very excited teenager, in fandom at that, before. It’s also hard to pull that in when you don’t have the experience and you’re having so much fun and you have so so so many things you want to say and nobody is telling you no. I’ve been her as I said. The things she wanted to say were all good things. Just a convergence of multiple things that didn’t mix well is all. I think she noticed too as she got a sad look with the woman left the room. Felt bad for both of them really. All three of them.

Queer Dax was my next panel, and one I was running. I’d decided that there was no way joined Trill weren’t queer, and wanted to talk about that, so here we are. I’d made sure that the panel had people on it who were queer in various ways and though one person couldn’t make it due to passport issues we held on. 

The room started to fill up well before the start time. So we were chatting at everything from pets in the different series with someone insisting that Neelix was the pet on Voyager. Gasp! To how Mourn maybe talks a lot in ways we don’t get to Garak/Bashir slash to anything. The place was pretty full by the time we started.

It was a good discussion. I later found out that the person who’d manned the convention’s front desk really wanted to go but couldn’t and so was following a person’s live tweet of it as it went on. 

We talked about the identity of the symbionts themselves, what it may be like to suddenly be flooded with all these humanoid identities. How maybe they’re like drag (at the start anyway). How we never hear them talk for themselves, as themselves, just the hosts. We’ve even had former hosts separated from the whole and able to talk in the singular. But never a symbiont. We asked how memory worked, to what degree were the hosts individuals or now and how that may work. How there were ‘very special episode’ moments but how they kinda also played out like every other Dax romance and was pretty good for the era. How Trek at least had a framework where this discussion was possible.

I framed lots of things  as ‘for Paramount in the 90s’ or similar because yeah. The studios. Boy. And the times.

There was also a good deal of talk about the parallels between the way joined Trill are treated, and how Trill are screened to trans gatekeeping and queer separatism. How Dax seems to get away with literally everything and does Jadzia Dax at least have privilege? Lots of stuff I haven’t mentioned.

Someone in the audience asked about things within Trek that called to us as queer people and I got to go on about my asexual headcanon for Seven of Nine.

A Study in Redemption: Character Arcs in our Fandoms aka ‘Redemption’. And oh boy this has a long history. Originally this was a proper panel but stuff happened behind the scenes, messages got mixed and instead of it being a panel full of fandomy meta people it was proper Named authors and I got anxious and didn’t know what the hell to do and internally screamed some. I reached out to Tanya for help, and she and a person above her in the Nine Worlds team really did help. I am so thankful to the both of them. We ended up splitting it into two with the authors keeping the proper panel thing and doing it from their perspective and I’d do a kind of panel/round table discussion thing. Mostly round table. I heard some not so great things about the ‘Redemption in Sci-FI’ panel aka the parent one. I couldn’t be there so I don’t know the details.

This one was awesome though. @knittedace​ was on it with me, as well as our third the anime guy. Who did have things to contribute even to western stuff that coming from another perspective and tradition was pretty cool.

Again it filled up fast. We were chatting about various stuff before the panel time started. And by the official start time arrived we had to put a sign on the door outside saying we were full except for a couple priority access seats. And it truly was only two priority access seats. One woman came in, and then left as she didn’t have a priority access sticker when there was still a ‘open to all’ seat left. Oh well.

In this one I brought all of my experience charing over the weekend. What I’d seen and liked, seen and didn’t like, as well as stuff I knew already. I knew this could be a tricky topic for some so I made sure rules were set out first.

Like, obviously we are talking about characters who have done bad things. And this will be mentioned. We can talk about Anakin Skywalker but not go into graphic detail over what he did. Use trigger warnings. If someone is talking about something you find hard raise both hands or otherwise make yourself known in a way other than ‘I want to talk next’ and we will stop. Let you get out. And send someone to let you in again. That people know the protocol for spoiler warnings in their own media types and fandoms and to use them. And again if you need to stop someone because you’re behind the bell curve in catching up, let us know and leave and we’ll bring you back in after. Someone did take advantage of this which was awesome.

I also made sure people knew talking over others wasn’t what I wanted, that they were to respect others and let them finish and that sometimes the three of us on the mini panel thing would pull things back to us to raise new points or add new questions etc.

It went really well. Orderly. One person had to leave for a minute and did so, no fuss was made, and came back in after, People respected others, good discussion was had, the topics moved forward rather than spiral deeper and deeper on things, nothing got graphic. Somehow there was humour even given the topic but not inappropriate humour. 

Lots of good points including how some characters are seeking redemption even if probably they don’t need it. How for many people who had either been raised in a toxic/evil environment or who had been through crap otherwise, redemption was also often a story of gaining or regaining agency. How doing a good thing and then dying to save a person for selfish reasons wasn’t really redemption. Or how someone forcing you to be good by putting a soul in your body or other magic or something making you good is also not really redemption. Redemption, proper redemption, required choice and consequences and owning what you had did and overcoming. How sometimes there is an aspect of white saviour going on. 

I loved that panel. I really really did.

What gets me most is that at the end of the night, someone who I really respect (not Tanya to be clear) came up and told me that my Dax and Redemption panels had been her two favourite of the entire convention. I was so so touched, and honoured and it meant a lot. I had a couple other people say they’d loved Dax but this one person was… it blew me away. 

Geeky Cupcake Decorating was just pure fun. Me and @knittedace​ went to this just as a fun thing to do. Also being asexual we figured it was our duty. Speaking of, I made this lovely delight:

I had to mix the grey fondant myself. I think it’s fondant? Terms confuse me. @knittedace​ Made this brilliant set of Doctor Who cakes that she can show off later but where much admired. And the table near by made a truly adorable set of Yuri on Ice cakes. Some seriously talented folks. Also plenty of kids having a lot of fun. One little girl was running around showing off the cake she’d made and that her dad had made with real pride. So cute.

We went for dinner after that, sad that things were ending, and came back in time to go to the end of convention quiz. 

End of the Con Quiz is hosed by Ash every year. And much to my delight we were once again visited by the infamous No Face. This isn’t a cosplay, this is like a visitation from the real thing. Last year they were slowly chasing Ash all over the place. This time they were menacing him from the corner whilst people gave it tribute (and it ate the dire wolf) to making Ash dance.

I knew almost none of the answers. I never do. But they did ask a question about my panel!

Our team decided to call ourselves ‘Quiz Master Ash/No Face OTP’. Not much of a reaction from Ash to that when he read it out. We came fourth. There was joint last which mean they had to battle it out to get (or not get if they so chose) the last place prize.

Never have you seen such a tense and dramatic game of Jenga. There was Star Trek fight music (Kirk edition) on repeat several times, there was the Benny Hill chase music, there was the Crystal Maze music, there was the Tetris theme. There were people at the back standing up to watch, everyone was tense. Even No Face got in on the action intimidating people/paying attention.

No Face got way closer than that. Scary.

I mean seriously. Though it has since been revealed, nobody knew who the person doing No Face was for two years. And they were fantastically in character. It was genius. And people treat them with the respect and caution as though they were actually a malevolent spirit. So this was fun for everyone up there lol.

Eventually that ended and we retreated to the mini bar in the games rom. Played more Slash for a bit until we all had to leave.

And then it was the end of the con. And all is sad.

Me and @knittedace​ had to share a bed as the room was one large bed rather than two singles. And I was joking that if we were inside a fan fic this would so be the ‘forced to share a bed’ trope. Followed by some joking about waking up to bumps in unexpected places. Like lower legs. Or something. But we got to sleep eventually.

I’m sad to be home. I have ideas for panels next year already. I miss it. @knittedace​ described getting home sick when she got home and I hadn’t framed it that way before but it is. We both grew up in fandom. Spending time here, talking here, learning here. Fandom is a culture we spent our formative years in and are still a part of. And conventions are like temporary pop up real world manifestations of that. So it kinda makes sense. But what makes them so special, in many ways, is that they are temporary. Even if it’s always sad to leave.

Also, and importantly, at the bottom of the back page of the program was this very touching easter egg that will make you feel the feels if you decode it:

–. -. ..- / - . .-. .-. -.– / .–. .-. .- - -.-. …. . - -

Nine Worlds Staff and Volunteers

They are brilliant. They work tirelessly before, during, and after the con to make things work. From the techies making sure all the equipment works to those running the front desk and twitter so people know what is going on to those making sure things go to plan or even have a plan, to everyone else who makes everything work. To those who do the nitty gritty stuff like finances and talking to hotels or sponsors to get stuff done to those who organise tracks and content to those who book entertainment to everyone who volunteers for a few hours. 

They work so hard. And need so much thanks. None of this would work if not for them. It doesn’t matter how many of us are willing to sit at behind a mic and babble at you for an hour, if none of them are there nothing would happen at all.

So thanks to them for all they have done, and all they continue to do.

[parulsheth1]

21 thoughts for your 21st birthday...

1.    That you were such a cranky child until you were 2 years old. We all have stories of how you cried at sunset, at night, on flights (we used to medicate you to sleep!). You would wake up in the middle of a nap to “check who was sitting by your side”. Despite all this, you have been the MVP for all of us! We have most memories with you…

2.    That you were a gentle, loving, happy child whose first word was “Star”. Such an observant kid and knew the roads better than Google map- when Nana would turn towards Walkeshwar instead of Babulnath, you would wail and say how you wanted to go home. And the navigator be in on our way back from Cape may or anywhere!

3.    That iconic fifth “Ferrari” birthday where we all went crazy, making the decorations/invites and everything that could be made for my Hot Wheels crazy child.  

4.    And the first time I ran the Half marathon- I think you must have been in Upper 1- when they asked in assembly- about whose parents ran the race and you put your hand up. That is the story I tell people every time- when they ask me why I run!

5.    And then the journey started at Cathedral. From Ms. Mani to Ms. Bhatia and the slave-driving Ms. Choksey who made me work so hard! All the teachers have always loved you and said amazing things about you on open days.

6.    All the grandparents’ days, teacher’s days and concerts that I have helped prepare for and sat through! I think of all the grandparents’ days were really special and that “Superstar” in Ms. Bhatia’s year was an all-time hit!

7.    With that also came the soccer-mom days- 6 am drops and lunch in school and football drops. With me mixing up Karnataka with Goan grounds and waiting at the wrong place- to waiting endlessly at the inters school matches. What were those days! So so proud of you for being a part of the team! Like that mad Football world cup birthday you celebrated – where we got a screen to watch the Argentina vs some small team match -ordered all those pizzas with the free coupons and piled the boxes outside our house.

8.    And for me- the CCI tennis tournament- where you were ball boy - was quite a highlight- such an out-of-the-blue thing! And you were gone all days for those 7-8 days! It was wonderful!!! But the discipline and the hard work that you did for the week was amazing!

9.    That your love for geography and maps was amazing. That brought the kids national geographic to us- and then the real NG for years together. The world map which was on your room wall for the longest time- from which Sanjana did not learn a thing! Oh, what fun those quiz nights used to be!

10.  Oh, and the OBSESSION WITH Pokemon, then Clash of Clans, followed by Fifa – and now the dreadful PUBG!!!

11.  Like your friendship with Sohel and Anshul- which grew with all our trips and picnics. I feel that was like a rock during your growing up years. And the quiet one with Arnaav…truly special.

12.  Like the cool band that you were in- with a grand name “Chronic Vertigo” no less. You career as a bass guitarist really started with a bang!

13.  That you participated in all the school events…from being that narrator in the school play to back stage work. From basketball to the super slow 800m. that spirit is important!

14.  And then of course came Xavier’s and the madness- of being “hipster” and whatever else. The unruly hair and beard, along with the pyjama pants and (yuck) the slippers!! Also came, the people, the place and the culture has made you the person you are today. Intelligent, independent and a free thinker. Full credit to you for getting in post you ICSE. You had a goal…you made it.

15.  That you maintained your hobbies along with you academics…writing, movie making, music, photography, blogging, some sports, is commendable.

16.  That you took part enthusiastically in the events that interested you- and it has made me proud to see you organising and leading them- from Malhar, OSS, the midnight cycling to the random music shows that you volunteered for! It showed your responsible side (which has always been there) and that you could take initiative.

17.  Your experiments in college with “Robber Barons”, taking on the various teachers for values that you believed in and the things that rankled you which you stood up for. This shows integrity and self-confidence. This college has prepared you to step into the real world and given you your first job opportunity. And I would like to take this opportunity to tell you the last 4 things- for your future.

18.  Ketu and I will always be with you wherever you are. And super proud of the way you have grown up and led your life.

19.  Breakfast is THE most important meal- so eat well. Eat heathy and eat a lot. Morning is the time when your brain needs to wake up, it needs food to function.

20.  Sleep is very important as the body needs to rest and recover for the next day. 8 hours at least. Tire the body with exercise, calm the mind with prayer (or an app!!), silence the thoughts.

21.   Trust yourself.  Have faith. You are smarter than you think you are. Your upbringing will make you pick wisely when you don’t know the path.

            It is ok to not know, believe in your instinct.

           Go with confidence.

            It is ok to be afraid, life is just one big improvisation.

           Give it your all.

           Dare to be all that you can be.