#I only am responding to this to invite you to correct me in any misinformation I might have accidentally spread (though I check everything)

[dr-lizortecho]

you come off like a raging antisemite. Who in their right mind sides with a terrorist organization like hamas? You really need to think and research about what they’ve done to innocent Jews and other Israelis before just blindly posting “woke” crap.

I promise I’m not blindly posting and reblogging- I am following along through trusted sources. And if there’s anything I’ve reblogged that is incorrect feel free to reach out with your sources claiming otherwise! Because I’m not an antisemite am anti Zionist and don’t support genocide under any circumstances, or the murder of children.

[ctrlsht]

Fragment of the Past 01

pairing: patient!jungkook x psychiatrist!reader genre: thriller & yandere au

summary: You are a well-known and respected psychiatrist and author. You start treating Jungkook, who suffers from PTSD after surviving an extremely traumatic incident. As you help him confront his traumatic past, he begins to act strangely, and you start uncovering something about him that will change everything.

chapter summary: As you get to know your patient, Jeon Jungkook, you begin to notice that something is wrong with him, until the day he confesses to you what really happened during the night of the incident.

chapter warnings: mention of PTSD and depression, mention of hatred towards the family, mention of murder. This chapter is the only chapter that isn’t too heavy. word count: 8K

note: This fiction will contain multiple mental disorders and psychology facts. I conducted my own research to avoid spreading misinformation, but there may be aspects I've overlooked, so I am open for any corrections.

"Dr. Y/N, your next patient is already waiting outside. Shall I invite him in?" Soyeon asked while holding the doorknob, your office door slightly ajar. You leaned back in your swivel chair, glancing at the clock hanging beside the door. Soyeon stood patiently, awaiting your response.

“It’s still 2:30 and my next session is 3 o’clock. He arrived early?” 

“Yes, he did. In fact, he already arrived at 2. Although he mentioned not informing you since it’s still early.” 

You looked at the clock once again and contemplated your decision. You still have 30 minutes before the new session starts but you’re not going to do anything, anyway. Just like your next patient, you’re just waiting for the clock to strike at 3. 

“Let him in. We’ll just start early.”

After a few moments, the door opened once again and a tall muscular man entered the room. His movements are slow like he has all the time in the world and when he faced you, his eyes sparkled, and he offered a subdued smile without revealing his teeth. He removed his black ball cap and extended his hand, presenting you with a box of cake.

“Good afternoon, doc. I’m sorry I’m too early from the original schedule but I got you a strawberry cake. Heard that you love them.” He said.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind. Thank you and it’s nice to see that you’re in a good mood, Jungkook.” You smiled and reached the box of cake that he gave you. He smiled even wider as he removed his leather jacket and you immediately saw his full sleeve tattoo on his right arm. They were beautiful. It perfectly suits him. 

“Thanks, doc. I’m happy that I didn’t dream about ‘that’ nightmare and I believe it’s because of the medicine that you prescribe me. You help me a lot.” He responds, sitting on the white sofa facing your desk.

When he is settled down on the couch in front of your office table, you press the ‘record’ button of your phone. You record your session with your patient for your advantage. It helps you review and recall  the discussion that you had with them, and it’s useful whenever you’re writing a book. Having the recordings allows you to convey your words more precisely.

Of course, you always ask for their consent to record the conversation. However, there are patients who do not agree with it, and in such cases, you still record them. They wouldn't know, would they?

“Well, that’s good to know.” You said and got the folder placed on the side of your table and opened it. It’s the record of him for you to easily navigate his diagnoses. “Are you still visiting the gym like I’ve recommended to you?” 

“Yes I do and it helps me to distract my mind to what happened. Going back to the gym helps me a lot, honestly. It’s hard to push myself to go back at first but as I was in there, it became easier.” His smile is like a pill that can light anyone’s mood. It is so bright and contagious. No one will guess that he suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. He witnessed how his mother died in front of him exactly six months ago and he suffers a lot. He’s unable to talk for weeks after the incident happened and was advised to attend psychotherapy. 

Right now, he has made significant progress, and you're glad about it. Throughout your sessions with him, you've observed how he copes with his trauma and understands what's going on in his mind. It's a major trauma for him to witness what happened to his mother. According to studies, women are more likely to develop PTSD than men, and you've handled multiple cases with women experiencing PTSD. However, in your years in this career, he is the only man you've treated with this specific diagnosis. It's a new experience for you, especially since it's your first encounter with a male patient with this condition. You've conducted extensive research, but there are still things your patient does that contradict what you've read.

“During the weekends, I spend all night reading your book, Dr. Y/N and it helps me so much. Plus, it’s good and I love it. I can’t wait for you to release the book that you’re writing right now. When did you plan on releasing them?” He crosses his legs as he looks at you with so much adoration. 

“I haven’t finished writing it so I haven’t planned the date of release.” you replied, turning your attention back to the folder in your hand. “I’m glad that my books help you. Do you think that you’ve already overcome your trauma with the event that happened?” You looked at him and the smile that he had seconds ago was gone. His lips were formed into a straight line and he stared at you. It only happens for seconds and he immediately brings his bright expression once again.

“I’m not quite sure about that, Dr. Y/N. I may be happy right now, but later on, I’ll remember the tragic event once again.” He responded. 

“It’s okay. It really happens. Healing from your trauma doesn’t happen in a short period of time. But eventually, you’ll be okay. It may not be right now nor tomorrow but one day,” you assured him.

“Will you leave me after I completely heal, Doc?” he leaned forward, his gaze intense.  You didn’t respond right away and waited if he’s about to add more with his statement but turns out, he’s also waiting for your response.

“Well, that’s quite the opposite, Jungkook. You’ll be the one to leave me after our final session comes to an end.” You tried to smile. “And as your doctor, I genuinely want you to heal and move on to continue living with your life.” 

“Then I’m not quite sure if I’ll be happy for our final session to come to an end.”

You achieved success as a psychiatrist and book author within just four years of your career. Your excellence in your work is a result of the praises you've received from people. You've built a strong reputation and you're determined to maintain it. While you may be at the top now, you know there's still a long road ahead. You're committed to continuing to excel in what you do and to break numerous records.. 

The day has finally ended and you are still inside your office room as you continue on writing your ongoing book. The paradox of choice. You’ve released three books and this is going to be your fourth one. You’ve been pouring your blood, sweat and tears in every book that you’ve released resulting in its success and you’re confident that this ongoing book will be the same. 

You have nothing else to do except to work 24/7. You’ve been doing this for the past four years already and you have no problem with it. In fact, you love everything you do. But there are people who’s against your life cycle. 

As you type on your laptop, your phone chimes, seeing a notification from your friend, Taehyung. He's been your friend since you were in diapers.

Taehyung: You’re not at home. Where are you?

You: Clinic. Why?

Taehyung: what the. At this hour?

You didn’t respond because you figured out that he doesn’t have anything to do but to disturb you and honestly, you don’t have the time for that. 

Taehyung: Join me for dinner. It’s on me.

You: Can’t you eat by yourself and you have to treat me just for you to have dinner?

Taehyung: You talked as if we’re not friends. Come on, Y/N. I know you love your job but don’t wait until you are the one who becomes a patient.

Taehyung doesn’t understand you. You’re doing what you love and you don’t have a problem with it yet he thought that you were drowning yourself with work. You can choose what you want and you choose to burn yourself from work. You don’t have any problems with it. 

You decide to fix your things and get ready for Taehyung to pick you up. As much as you love your career, you also cherish your friendship with him. He's your only friend, and you don't want to lose him. You've come to consider him as family.

“My father is asking me again if I can now run the business in New York." Taehyung said as he got the pork belly from the grill and placed it in his bowl of rice before he put it together in his mouth. 

“Tell him you haven't decided." You respond subconsciously while wrapping the pork in the lettuce and eat it. 

“What amazing advice coming from a therapist herself.” Taehyung smirked.

"What is your decision then?"

"I don't really know, Y/N." He released a deep breath and continued. "I do want to manage it but I can't. I love what I'm doing right now."

Since his teenage years, Taehyung has been destined to inherit his father's assets, including the family company. However, Taehyung chose a different path and became a successful musician and artist. He's content with his career until his father reminds him of his obligation to take over the family's oil company in New York. He has been wrestling with this difficult situation for years and has yet to find a solution.

“Try to do both.” You suggest while having a mouthful of pork belly. 

“I don’t know if you’re fucking with me or what but damn, Y/N. If you’re my therapist, I’ll immediately leave your clinic and find another one.” Taehyung rolled his eyes and you tried not to laugh. "I can't choose both and you know that!" 

You do want to help your friend to get out of this situation but the only thing you can do is give emotional and moral support because you don't have control over his family. You do feel sorry for him but you can't do much. 

"The conflict between personal desires and altruistic choices has been common in dealing with ethical dilemmas. Choosing a decision between what you want and what your father wants that will be beneficial for the majority is quite a difficult situation and you need to weigh them according to how you see it. Your father has been there for you and in return, he wants you to handle his business not only for the benefit of him but also for you." You pause and take a bite of kimchi before you continue. "But you wanted to keep pursuing the career you have right now. It's a personal gain. It's up to you if you become selfish or selfless." 

Many researchers have presented real-life ethical dilemmas and case studies to understand how people navigate decisions that involve personal desires and the welfare of others. These studies often highlight the complexity and context-dependency of such choices which is what Taehyung is experiencing right now. 

If you were to decide with his situation, you'd choose to continue with his career that he has right now. Life is too short to become selfless. What society makes people believe can result in each and everyone's failure. 

If he chooses to do what his father wants, it won't guarantee success, as he has no clue about running their business. And even if he manages to muster the passion to understand how it works, he might not only fail himself but also disappoint his father.

You ended the night with Taehyung bringing you back to the clinic to get your car. It was nice catching up with him once in a while and hopefully, it won't happen often. Taehyung has known you since forever and he knows that even if you love him, you will still choose your work over him. 

You were about to open the door of the driver seat of your car when you felt something. Or more of someone. 

You don't hear any noise coming from afar or nearby and you're certain that you're the only one who is at the parking lot in front of the clinic but you feel like there is a pair of eyes that's watching you. You're facing the two-story building of the clinic and catch sight of anyone but the only thing you see is a light coming from the entrance and nothing else. 

You slowly turn around to see the surroundings and the only thing you see is a quiet night street illustrated by a few streetlights. There is no one, yet you can still feel that pair of eyes looking at you. 

You weren't sure if it's because of overworking or the alcohol you've consumed tonight but you're certain that one of it is the reason why you are having this kind of imagination. 

—

“Good morning, Yunjin. You look pale today. What’s wrong?” You looked at your patient that’s seated across the sofa in front of you. Her lips were paper thin and she continuously blinked her eyes. Yunjin is a 25-year old diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and she's been your patient for a year already. Being diagnosed with depression can cause a lot of factors including imbalances in brain chemicals like serotonin and norepinephrine. These imbalances can occur in anyone, regardless of their external circumstances. In Yunjin’s situation, it’s caused by her genes and hormones and most likely, she inherited from her family.

Yunjin came from a well known family and her life is what every person dreams to have. She already has everything yet she still suffers with depression. 

Not because a person has a wealthy and happy life doesn’t mean they do not encounter problems. 

“It’s happening again. I’ve lost track of my motivation to continue painting.” She speaks hoarsely. “Last week, I’m pouring all my hardwork and energy into what I’m working on but now, I’ve messed up. And I don’t even know why I am doing this because my work is mediocre in the first place.”

“You know that’s not true, Yunjin. Your paintings are amazing. I love them so much, especially the one you gave me.” You said carefully.

“No, you don’t understand. My works are trash compared to others.” Her voice is already trembling—on the verge of crying.

“Everyone has a unique and creative way to express their works. Not because you think that the works of others are more creative means yours are not. Your paintings are a masterpiece, Yunjin and I won’t get tired of reminding you about that.”

Yunjin is one of your patients who is incredibly transparent. She is consistently honest and open about her feelings, and you have played a significant role in nurturing this honesty.  Over your years of being a psychotherapist, you’ve encountered thousands of patients with different problems and diagnosis. You’ve known the ins and outs of them and you’ve mastered the meaning of every action they’ve made and words they’ve said. You also know if they’re telling the truth or not and you can spot it within a single session. 

That’s what you’re known—for being an excellent psychiatrist. 

However, you’re not yet perfect and still working with your skills. You know that you’re already great but there is still room for improvement. 

Not because you’re confident with how you read your patients means that it’s the truth. Sometimes, they deceive you and that’s a case that you have to improve with yourself.

It’s almost five and a few moments from now, you’ll have your last patient for the day. The truth is, you’re already exhausted with all the work you did today and given that it’s friday. Tomorrow, it’s a rest day, therefore, things should be done until today if you want to enjoy the weekend. But in your case, you’ll most probably work with the book you’re currently writing. 

Jeon Jungkook is your last patient for the day and hopefully, after the session, both of you will feel relief. 

“Hello, Dr. Y/N. You look so tired. Are you okay?” Jungkook asked you as he removed his bomber jacket revealing his full sleeve tattoo. He has a taste in fashion and it suits him so well. With his tall and muscular body, he can wear anything and still look stunning. Beside his body build, Jungkook is handsome. With his beautiful doe eyes and perfect smile, he can captivate anyone. And it’s something that you should be cautious about. 

“I’m fine, Jungkook. You don’t have to worry about me.” You slightly smile and insist him to sit on the sofa. “Please take a seat. How are you?” You try to energize your voice to hide your exhaustion. 

"Today was supposed to be great until one of my employees messed around at work. His name is Bryan, and ever since he got hired, he's been getting on my nerves. If it weren't for the fact that he's my uncle's son, I would have fired him right from the beginning," he began, settling into his seat.

“What happened?”

“He lost the memory card of the camera I used from the photoshoot yesterday and now, we had to redo the shoot.” His eyebrows scrunch as he tightens his lips. 

“Your feelings are valid, Jungkook. It’s okay to feel that way. What you can do to control your emotions when you’re in that situation is to leave and take a break where you can breathe.”

“You’re right. But now, I feel okay. Relief even. I just fired him from being incompetent. Someone like him doesn’t belong in my studio, anyway.”

You take a pause to look at him. He looks at you with a blank stare and when he does that, he’s unbothered or doesn’t care. You admit that he’s not easy to read but you’ve learned to master his gesture and there is something about him that feels off. 

“Can you tell me why his action results in you firing him?”

“Because he’s useless and I don’t need useless people in my team.” He responds like the answer is already obvious.

“Don’t you think that he can improve?” His gaze intensifies and after a moment, he smirks.

“My studio is not a training ground, Dr. Y/N. It’s a place where you should already master what you’re doing.” His fingers move in his lips to play with it, eyes still bore at you.

“I’ve established my business from the scratch and I’ve poured my blood sweat and tears just for my business to be in where it is now. Perhaps, I have the right to do anything that's better for my studio. I know what my worth is. Don’t you think, Dr. Y/N?” 

He’s full of himself. But you didn’t say that.

“Well, you have a point, Jungkook. But you’re the one who said it. Your studio is made from scratch and perhaps, you know what being in your lowest point feels like.” You try to smile genuinely. “It’s okay to know your worth and at the same time, look back where you came from.” You looked at his medical records and proceeded. “How’s your condition? Are you still experiencing anxiety?”

“30 minutes ago. When I was traveling to get here.” 

“Why? What’s running in your mind?” He wiggled his ankle and continued to play with his lips, thinking of the answer.

“I was nervous during the ride. I don’t know but sometimes, you make me feel nervous.” He let out a playful chuckle. 

“Why?”

“The fact that you knew everything about me makes me feel something. You’ve known everything about me yet I don’t know a single thing about you.” You don’t understand what's his point so you try to laugh to ease the heavy feeling you feel right now.

“Of course, you knew me, Jungkook. You’ve mentioned that you knew me even before the session started.” You give him a smile and you put down the folder that you are holding right now.

"Yeah, I know you, Doc. Everyone knows you. I'm aware of everything that's public about you. What I want to know is who Dr. Y/N is without her MD and PhD. What do you do during your days off, and what are your hobbies besides helping people with their problems?" He glanced at the wall beside you, where a painting of you hangs. It's a picture of you that people can see in your books, a gift from Yunjin. 

You’ve known Jeon Jungkook with his traumas and all however, you don’t know what he’s up to right now. He entered your clinic being a fragile person with his traumas and right now, it felt like you’re talking to another person. Maybe because this is him without his diagnosis. 

And you don’t know how to feel about it. 

—

It’s a photoshoot day for a magazine featuring you as a doctor and an author as well. It’s a media organization focusing on psychology and human behavior and you’re delighted to be featured for the upcoming magazine. You’ve already featured in some magazine but this time, it’s different because it’s ‘Psychology Today.’ 

You’re now on your way going to the studio with your team along with your agent, Kim. You seem to look calm and relax but deep down, nervousness is wrapping your insides. It is by far the biggest media organization where you will be featured and it’s another achievement of yours. 

As you get out of your car, you weren’t surprised that the location where the photoshoot is going to be held is this enormous. It’s a four-story building located at the center of the city. You’re not sure if the media organization also owns this but as you looked at the name of the building, it looks like it isn’t.

GCF Studio

As you enter the building, you are greeted by enthusiastic guards and staff, which motivates you even more for this shoot with them. The interior is minimalist, with the entire first floor being plain white. When you walk through the glass door, the first thing you see is the reception desk. To the right, there are couches and a coffee table where people can wait, and to the left, there's a cafeteria. You walk straight ahead toward the elevator, and one of your assistants presses the button for the third floor.

As the elevator door opened, you were greeted by a hallway with various doors, clearly indicating it's a working area where the shoot takes place. You walk a few steps before entering through double doors, where you find a bustling room filled with people busy at work. It resembles a dressing room but on a larger scale, with various outfits hanging, and several vanity mirrors where people can prepare for their shoot. It's fantastic.

“Good morning Dr. Y/N. Before we proceed with the shoot, I’d like to discuss with you what look you’ll be having for today. You also have full control of what you would like to look at and we’re here to assist you.” You are greeted by a young male with full of feminine energy. He’s tall and petite wearing a white blouse and a sweater that is hanging on his shoulder. He leads the way and you smile before you follow him. 

You’ve thought that this photoshoot will only take an hour of your time but you’re wrong because an hour just passed and they were still dressing you up. You didn’t feel uncomfortable because everyone is approachable and enthusiastic. They made you feel that you’re indeed their client. 

After an hour and a half of preparation, you finally entered the photoshoot studio, and once again, you found many people inside. You're not entirely sure about each person's specific role here, but everyone is clearly occupied. 

But the atmosphere immediately changed when the door swung open. It was chaotic seconds ago and right now, everyone is silent looking at the person who just entered. 

You saw a familiar figure. His tall and muscular figure is very familiar to you. He’s wearing a black slacks and a casual long sleeve polo that’s folded up until his elbow where you can clearly see half of his tattoo while his hair is pulled back. 

Jeon Jungkook is undeniably handsome and he knows it. 

“What’s this chaos? I told you that once I’ve entered the studio, everything should be ready.” His voice was threatening as he spoke with authority. A side of him that you’re not surprised to see. 

What surprised you is the fact that he’s inside of the studio. 

What is he doing here?

Everyone works silently as if they were being oppressed in their workplace. They were enthusiastic and approachable seconds ago and it all changed when he entered inside. 

“Good morning, Dr. Y/N. It wasn’t obvious how you look surprised to see me here, aren’t you?” Jungkook gave you a boastful smile like he doesn’t look threatening a few moments ago. 

A sign of bipolar disorder.

“Welcome to GCF Studio where there is no room for failure.”

You will be working with one of your patients and you’re not even aware of that.

Ethically, there is nothing wrong with working with your patients outside the session but you aren’t fond of that. The idea of working with your patient outside the session doesn’t suit you and particularly with the patient that is in front of you right now. 

You haven’t thought of the reason why but you just don’t. 

Everything is already set up, and you are now behind the backdrop while Jungkook is holding the camera, ready to capture everything. You're confident in the outcome of this shoot, but at this moment, it feels like everything is crashing down at your feet. Everyone is looking at you with high hopes for the result of this photoshoot, and you wouldn't want to ruin it.

“Smile for me, Y/N.”

—

You don’t know how you manage to end the photoshoot smoothly knowing that Jungkook is making you uncomfortable. You were mad at yourself because you don’t know why you felt that way. He isn’t doing anything but to do his job in taking a photo of you. 

Now that you're home, you don't have anything to be distressed about when thinking about what happened during the shoot.

You have to admit that there is something wrong with his words and actions. There are signs that he’s becoming manipulative and a sudden change of mood. He's self-absorbed and lacks remorse for others. You’ve been thinking that there are other diagnoses with his actions and behaviors however, you cannot suddenly show up and tell what other illness he has. You still have to observe your sessions with him. 

You have now freshen up and are ready to rest but you decide to visit your office to check your schedule for tomorrow and the following days. You only have one patient for tomorrow and most of your schedules are meetings. Before you log out, you glance at the folder of Jungkook in your patient list and you click it subconsciously. 

Jeon Jungkook, 31-year old male who suffers from PTSD, after surviving an extremely traumatic incident.

He witnessed his mother die in front of him and aside from that, he was also shot in his left thighs twice. And it happens in the comfort of their home. 

The suspect? A loan shark who’s coming for his mother. 

There are a lot of questionable things that happened during the incident and one of them is how come that he always claimed to have a successful business while his mother is buried in debt? He also claimed that he doesn’t know about the debt of his mother. There are several inconsistencies in his story but the bottom line is, the loan shark surrendered and is now in maximum security prison for murdering his mother.

You transfer the recordings you made over the following days to your computer and listen to one of them, specifically the conversations you had with Jungkook.

You have 12 sessions in total with him and you have 5 more sessions left before it finally comes to an end. You don’t count the remaining number of sessions with your patient until now.

—

You love to read books during your free time, However, it most likely does not happen due to your busy schedule. But right now, you take a break from everything and decide to go on a date with yourself. You don’t normally take a break but you’re becoming busier than usual and you don’t want to risk your health because you know that there are a lot of people that need you. 

You’re not a fan of going out and you prefer to stay at home and rest but getting out of your comfort zone won’t hurt you. You decided to visit your favorite cafe and do your thing there. You dislike rowdy places, that’s why you went early in the morning where people are still in the comfort of their bed.

You underestimate the morning and how you’re used to people getting up mostly before lunch yet there are people who also like you—waking up at 6 in the morning to get a morning coffee in their favorite cafe. 

“Dr. Y/N! You’re here!” You lift your head to see Jeon Jungkook standing in front of you with his bright smile while holding a cup of coffee. 

Among all the people you could meet here, you don't understand why it had to be him.

“Jungkook. I didn’t know you’re here.” You try to return the smile and you almost fail when he sits in front of you. 

He’s wearing a casual polo shirt and a pair of ripped jeans. Unlike the last time you saw him, every strand of his hair is falling into a harmonious arrangement. It looks so soft and suits him well. He looked effortlessly handsome as usual. 

“Just grab a coffee and then, I saw you.” He smiles sweetly before he gazes down at the book you’re reading. “I don’t know why I am surprised that you like reading books even for the fact that you’re an author.” 

"I read when I have time," you respond. "How are you?" you add, trying to steer the conversation away from yourself.

“I’m doing amazing. I’m continuing to write in my journal like what you suggest. It does help me a lot, Dr. Y/N.” He takes a sip from his coffee as he gets comfortable in his seat. He’s not leaving any moment now.

“That’s good. Journaling really works.” You just said whatever is in your mind because you’re thinking of an excuse to leave. 

“That’s right. But we’re not in the session right now, Doc. We don’t always have to talk about me.” He leans backward as he glances at your book once again. “The four agreements. I’ve read that book before. It’s good. You’re really into self-help books, aren’t you? You like to write and read about them.”

“Yes. It does help me to improve my writing. How about you? I didn’t know that you also read nonfiction books.”

“I started to read because of your books, Doc.” He looks at your eyes filled with tenderness, traced the curves of your face as if he's memorizing it.

He’s been looking at you like that lately as if he wants you to drown with the way he stares. The way he looks at you carries an underlying tone, and truthfully, that's one of the reasons why you've become uncomfortable around him.

“I’m glad that I’ve encouraged you to read books.” You answer while looking at your wrist watch hoping that he understands that you wanted to leave already. 

“Your photos from the last time were amazing. Our team has already sent you the soft copy. Did you receive it?” You do but you didn’t tell him.

“I haven’t seen it but I’ll check it out later.” You looked at your wrist watch once again.

“Yeah, you should. They were amazing. You’re stunning as always.” His eyes twinkled but you didn’t notice that.

“I want to thank you and your team for working hard on this shoot. I do appreciate it so much.” you smile and look at your wrist watch for the last time. “I’m afraid that I have to leave you right now. I already have to go home.”

“That fast? We haven’t talked a lot, Doc.” He fixed you with a steadfast gaze and you were caught off-guard. You’re thinking of what to respond but you were out of words. After a few seconds, he chuckles. “I was just kidding, Doc. I know how busy you are and I understand that.”

You let out a nervous laugh. “I apologize, Jungkook. There are a lot of things that I have to do. But I’ll see you on tuesday.” 

“You don’t have to apologize because I understand. Yes, I’ll see you on Tuesday, Dr. Y/N.”

—

Tuesday came and you just woke up yet you already wanted to end this day. It’s strange that you haven’t properly started your day but you already feel heavy to move forward. Yesterday was exhausting for all the work you’ve done and you didn’t get home until 10pm, however, it doesn’t justify your heavy feeling right now. You’ve experienced worse so you don’t understand why you feel this way.

As you make your way to the clinic, you receive numerous work-related calls, and you're already feeling tired from answering them. However, you have no choice but to attend to them.

“Good morning, Dr. Y/N. Your first patient has already arrived. Do you want me to let him wait inside your office or here in the lobby?” The receptionist spoke on the other line. 

“You can let him in. I’m almost there.” When the traffic light turns green, you already move. “Is it Mr. Park?” You asked.

“No. It’s Mr. Jeon, Doc.” 

Damn. That’s why the morning feels heavy.

As you arrive inside your office, you spot Jungkook in the corner looking at the frames that are standing in the chest drawers. The air conditioner is already on–Soyeon the receptionist must have turned it on. He immediately turned his head towards you when you opened the door and greeted you with his charming smile. 

“Good morning, Dr. Y/N. I thought you'd take longer to arrive because the receptionist already let me in.” He greeted and walked his way towards the sofa–where your patient normally sits. 

“I was stuck in the traffic. You know, morning rush hour.” You responded as you placed your things on your office table. 

Jungkook is a punctual person. He may arrive early or on time but he is never late. If you count the things that you like about him, you’re counting nothing because that’s the only thing you like about him.

“How are you?” Is the first thing you asked him when you get comfortable with your seat. You press the record button on your phone that's hidden from him.

“Bad. I met my father last night and I wish I didn’t.” He brushed his hair back and slouched on his seat. 

It's the first time he mentioned his father at the beginning of a conversation because he never does unless you ask about it. From his descriptions, his father seems like a terrible person. He never fulfilled his role as a father, often creating conflicts with his mother. His family life seems chaotic, and you believe it might be one of the reasons he's become the person he is today.

“Why did you meet him?” 

“He just showed up to my house without permission to talk about bullshit. My life is already at peace and he’s ruining it.” His jaw tightened.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Your eyes locked into him as you try reading his mind. You know that every patient that walks into your office has different problems in life and they are sometimes hard to predict but this man in front of you is something else. There is something in him that you couldn’t understand. 

“No. He’s a waste of time. He’s really… Okay, I’ll talk about him briefly. He’s a horrible person and he doesn’t deserve to be a father to me. I never got to experience the love from a father because the only thing that he gave me is hatred. He always gets drunk and gamble and he cheated with my mom multiple times. I’m not going to be surprised when I find out that I have other siblings from different mothers. He’s the worst person I’ve known.”

You find his explanation vague but you didn’t think much about it and you let him continue.

“Do you have other instances where you see the different side of your father? Something that makes him a person to you?” You asked.

“None. Even during childhood. Especially now that he only wants money from me. He and mother are very similar to each other. Maybe that’s why they end up together. They both pissed me off and even though my mother is not here anymore, I can remember her because of my shitty father.”

You were taken aback with what he just said. He never badmouthed his mother until now. When he discussed his mother, there is nothing else he said rather than how he misses her and how she’s a great mother to him. 

But you didn’t say anything about it and let him elaborate what he just said. 

“Do you think that your parents do the same thing?” You asked–hoping that he doesn’t suspect your question.

“Yeah. They may be doing it in different ways of being a shitty person but they are the same for being useless parents.” He puts his index finger on his lips and slowly rubs it while resting his elbow on the arm rest, looking at you with intensity. 

You’re finding a word to say but you found nothing. You wanted to look away but it would indicate that he caught you off-guard. 

You saw a glimpse of his demonic character for a second. His eyes that had once been warm and inviting, now bore into you with an unnerving intensity as if trying to peer into your soul.

He spoke once again and his voice took on a low, whispery, and the words that slipped from his lips sent chills down your spine.

"Maybe that's why she died. Now, I wonder when my father will be next."

—

You're standing on the side of the street embracing the subtle chill in the air as the city lights painted the night with different colors. People are walking by and snippets of hushed conversations drifted on the breeze while the flow of traffic added to the scene with vehicles weaving through the crowd.

You don’t know why Taehyung is taking so long to arrive. You’ve been waiting for him on the sidewalk for 10 minutes already when in fact, he should have been here 30 minutes ago. You’re going to come with him on his event show because he’s been annoying you for the whole week to come with him and for him to stop, you just agreed.

What pisses you off more is that he's running late, and your stomach is growling. You haven't had dinner because Taehyung assured you that he'd swing by the drive-thru to grab something for you to eat.

You're waiting for Taehyung, but someone else showed up in front of you.

“Dr. Y/N, hi!” You met Jeon Jungkook’s eyes with his bright and warm smile. He’s wearing a gray hoodie and skinny jeans that fit him perfectly. You looked in the surroundings of him if he's with someone and it seems that there’s none. 

“Hello, Jungkook. You’re heading somewhere?” You gave him a warm smile that hopefully, doesn’t look like it’s forced.

“Yeah. I’m going out for dinner. I was actually in that building,” He pointed out the building behind you and it looked like a law firm office. “I already saw you when I entered there but I didn’t have the chance to greet you because I’m in a hurry and now, you’re still here.” He glances at the road and returns his eyes to you. “You’re waiting for someone?” 

“Uhm, yeah. I am.” You looked at your phone to see if Taehyung had a message but there’s none.

“You’ve been here for a couple of minutes already. Are you sure that they are still going to make it here?” 

“Yeah. Maybe they—

You were taken aback when your stomach started to growl and heck, it’s so loud that you want the grounds to eat you alive. You were sure that your face was burning red and you couldn’t bear to make eye-contact with him as your gaze fixed elsewhere.

 You glance at him as a soft chuckle rumbles in his throat. “I already hate the person that keeps you waiting in hunger. You know what, I’d love to treat you for dinner with me and drive you to your destination afterwards. Or we can just go to a drive-thru.” If he’s someone else, maybe you will consider his offer. 

“No, it’s okay Jungkook. You don’t have to do that.” You glance at your phone to pretend that someone messages you. “My friend is already on his way. You can go.” 

“Your friend of yours is really something else. What kind of man is he for making you wait for so long on the street with your stomach empty?” His voice took on a sharp edge as his eyebrows knitted together.

“I’m really fine. You don’t have to think about me.” You force a smile as you bite the inside of your cheeks.

“I insist, Dr. Y/N. I really want to treat you for being there for me during my worst days. You help me a lot and I want to get you something to show my appreciation. It’s nothing big and I will be guilty if I just leave you here.” 

“I really appreciate your gesture, Jungkook, but I have other plans. Maybe next time?” You smile hoping that he understands that you don’t really want to go with him.

“With the same guy that made you wait in the cold air? Oh come on, Doc. You know better.” He spoke in a pompous tone, as if he proved that Taehyung is a horrible guy.

“You can make up to me some other time. I’m really–

You haven’t finished your sentence when Taehyung’s audi arrives beside you and he instantly gets out to meet your gaze.

“Y/N! I’m sorry for keeping you waiting. The traffic is so heavy.” He didn’t notice Jungkook until he opened the passenger’s seat and slowly glanced beside you. Jungkook released a sarcastic laugh and glared at Taehyung.

“What a surprise that Kim Taehyung–a famous musician and artist let a lady wait in the cold breeze with an empty stomach. I didn’t know that you’re such a gentleman, Taehyung.” He spoke in a mocking tone as Taehyung looked at him in confusion. 

“I’m sorry, who are you?” 

“You wouldn’t want to know.” He arched a brow before he returned his gaze to you. “If you really insist on being with this guy, then I’ll leave you already. I just hope that he won’t completely ruin your precious night.” He said before he finally turned around and walked away–placing his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. When he’s already out of sight, you turn your head to Taehyung and glare at him.

“What?” You suddenly smack his chest before you hopped in the car.

“Damn you.”

—

It didn't take long before Jungkook was back, sitting on the couch in front of you. You’ve realized that your day always feels heavy every Tuesday of the week and that is whenever you’re going to have a session with him. 

You've tried to shake off the discomfort you feel when he's in front of you because you regret thinking of him differently from your other patients, but every time you try, he makes it worse.

“Are you taking your medicines I’ve prescribed you?” You scan his record file that you’re holding. 

“Yeah. I consistently take them, Doc.” He responded as he smugly looked at you and before you think of negative thoughts of him, you already returned your gaze back to the folder.

“Are you still having nightmares during your sleep?” He didn’t instantly respond like he’s thinking about the question carefully.

“I do. I still do, Dr. Y/N. But it wasn’t worse, unlike what I have for the last months.” 

“Then it’s a good sign. You’re now improving. Are you still thinking about the incident?” You give him a genuine smile while he slowly crosses his legs and places both of his arms on the arm rest.

“Yes, but not as frequently as before. I love my mother so much but I’ve learned to let her go and accept the fate she has. Afterall, it was her fault.” He was looking at the painting that Yunjin had given you as he answered. He doesn’t have much of a reaction but his last sentence caught your attention.

“Why do you think that it’s her fault?” You ask in your soft voice.

“You see, my mother isn’t the perfect mother and she has her mistakes and sometimes, she doesn’t learn from them. She keeps doing the same thing until she has to pay for it and that costs her life.” He responded.

“Do you want to talk about the mistakes that your mother made?” He smiled and played with his lips once again. You’ve noticed that he’s doing that if he finds something funny or there are things that he knows and you don’t.

“But we will take forever if we discuss it right now, Dr. Y/N. But if you’re really interested, we can talk about it over dinner. You promised me last time that you’ll come with me for dinner.” You mentally rolled your eyes with his statement. Here he goes again.

“Not right now. I still have a lot of things to do but we can talk about other things like how great your mother is.” You said and he laughed—as if your statement is absurd. You try to not raise your brows with his action and behavior. 

“Let's not talk about that, either.”

You were doing your best to understand his actions and statements but there is something in him that you haven’t seen. Something that will answer everything

“But I will tell you how I see my mother during the incident.” He leaned forward and intertwined his fingers “When my mother is kneeling and begging for her life, I was thinking that ‘damn. It’s really happening, isn't it?’. And when the trigger was pulled, the world stopped. And after a few moments, I felt a sense of relief and before I knew it, I was shot as well.” His voice was soft and light as if he’s confessing something that he should have confessed before. 

You felt a shiver down your spine as the creeping horror crawled along your arms, raising goosebumps. You held unflinching eye contact, determined to keep your composure and hide the discomfort and fear you felt.

“Where were you when your mom was being shot?” You asked as you held your breath.

This question is already asked during the investigation. ‘I’m in the living room, 10 feet away from her. When I saw her  position and situation, I immediately ran towards her but it was too late because before I even reached her, she was already shot in the chest. It didn’t take 10 seconds of my life before I was shot as well’.

But you still ask him once again. Away from the detectives.

“I was there, I told you.” 

“Yes, but in what position?” Your hands are already trembling. 

“I was standing,” He took a deep breath before he continued. His next sentence didn’t surprise you because it was something you already expect but trying to deny it to yourself, and it terrifies you, so much that you thought that this may be your last day.

“After I was shot, I collapsed, along with the gun I was holding.” 

a/n: I'm almost done with the whole series so I've decided to post the first part. I hope you'll like this new fic because I enjoy writing it! I am open for comments to further improve my works. Have a nice day everyone!

taglist: @iloverubberduckiez-blog @kingofbodyrolls @fangirl-death-rose @looneybleus @softie00

[writcraft]

Racism, Tone-Policing and Speaking Out in Fandom

Unequivocal condemnation of fanfic or art that glorifies or romanticises the Nazi regime and/or promotes a narrative which erases its significant horrors feels like it should be an easy position to take. A no-brainer. This wasn’t an example of art designed to make us uncomfortable or to provoke discussion; it was an unthinking, romanticised depiction of a regime that committed galling atrocities, swiftly followed by the lightwashing of a canonically black fictional character. We inhabit an online space where misinformation travels rapidly, where white supremacism thrives. This should be a something people can publicly condemn without worrying unduly about any potential backlash. 

The fact that even speaking out on this topic has caused people - including queer, Jewish people - to feel silenced, attacked, tone-policed and chastised as they share their reaction to something they consider abhorrent is symptomatic of a much broader issue in fandom spaces broadly and it is that which I want to talk about in this post. I don’t want to conflate racism in fandom with the now two instances of Nazi-themed Harry/Draco art, but I think a lot has been said on the latter and want to take the opportunity to use what has happened over the last two days as a jumping off point to think about the former. When it comes to callout, to speaking out and to our responsibilities as fans, I think there are important connections. 

The unfettered protection of freedom of content creation is something I have passionately defended and will continue to do so throughout my time in fandom. This is demonstrated by the spaces I have either created or moderated for several years, most notably HP Kinkfest and HP Horror Fest. However, protecting that position is often the point at which conversations get closed, the trump card played to end all other discussions that might make us - and by us I mean white fans like myself - uncomfortable with the conversations being instigated. I’m not convinced that ‘unfollow me now’ posts are ever particularly helpful, as they have an air of performative allyship about them, leading to echo-chambers and knee-jerk responses, and one thing we are particularly bad at these days is engaging with any difficult topics with nuance.

As ever, this post is long, and there are some resources at the end should you wish to keep reading.

Difficult conversations in fandom are those which force us to critically interrogate our own modes of fannish engagement, and the extent to which we listen when invited to consider if the things we uphold as progressive are really progressive at all. Perhaps the fallout from this latest debacle is a good time to sit back and consider the things we speak out about, the things we don’t speak out about, the centering of white voices and perspectives, the privilege that comes from being able to leave certain discussions to other people simply because they are difficult and, by extension, the groups we expect to take on the responsibility and emotional labour involved with speaking out. Perhaps this might prompt us to examine the way we react to things without thoughtful critique of broader socio-political structures in place that become part of fandom’s hierarchy of conversation and content creation.

It is not enough to react to a something that creates a visceral response from the majority of people in a fandom but then ignore the less comfortable questions that flow from it. To assert a position on extreme examples of something that is not okay but then refuse to listen to people who express discomfort about things which might harsh your own fannish squee or might force you to consider the less instinctively obvious ways you might be contributing to racism in fandom is an inconsistent, safe way of engaging with the complexities that come from critiquing fandom spaces. The appearance of now two pieces of art that provoke almost universal fandom-wide disgust cannot be the only time we actively demonstrate an interest in expressing vocally that racism and white supremacy has no place in our fandom spaces.

We are ten years on from Race Fail ‘09 yet conversations around race are still being derailed, tones being policed, POC fans being portrayed as particularly angry, impolite or prone to complaint. I have seen this happen on multiple occasions, where the platform for critical discussion of content creation in fandom has been stripped away, or people have been silenced, in pursuit of protecting the fun part of fandom, the right to produce content unfettered, protecting the ability for women to create uncensored. I fundamentally believe the latter is an important, joyous and political act of fandom experience, but it loses some of its politicised resonance when that starting point is used to silence others trying to start critically nuanced discussions. 

Freedom of content cannot be the point at which we disavow ourselves of any responsibility to question the things that inform our own perspectives. We cannot allow our passionate defence of that position to cloud our ability to listen to other perspectives. I’m not here to protect the children, but we must not conflate resistance to conservative-leaning narratives that advocate for sanitised and problem-free content, with the issues fans from marginalised groups try to raise about the way fandom has work to do when it comes to having proper conversations around queerness, race, misogyny and so on. We cannot on the one hand rush to condemn a pretty obvious issue, and on the other fail to think about the other questions it raises because it might stop us from having a good time.

The difficult conversations that spring to mind – the ones that get immediately shut down – include thinking critically about objects of fandom, the tendency to approach questions of social justice through an American (frequently white) lens, the continued dominance of white, cis-male slash ships, inability to critique - or listen to critique of - the things we love when canon or creators make decisions that leave people distressed. The conversations include thinking about how fictional characters are romanced or sanitised to the point at which their fanon portrayal erases any of their past political choices, tokenism, shutting down conversations around racebending and failing to understand why – for some POC fans – that doesn’t feel representative when it is handled unthinkingly in fanfiction produced by white authors. 

To refuse to engage with these questions often involves shouting over or silencing people who are trying to explain why something makes them uncomfortable in pursuit of protecting freedoms afforded to us as we create unfettered content. I’m not suggesting that we should not be free to create content – we are, all of us – aware of the slipperiness of that particular slope, but with that freedom comes a responsibility. If we care about the voices frequently talked over within our fandom, we – and I include myself in this – need to be better at listening when people force us to examine our own modes of engagement. This involves taking the time to conduct our own research, to take that responsibility upon ourselves instead of expecting others to educate us. It involves researching political posts we put on our blogs together with assessing the fandom content we produce and engage with. Are they accurate? Are they correct? It involves labour, time taken to educate ourselves, and balancing speaking out with knowing when that becomes speaking over, knowing when to sit down, shut up and listen. 

I am writing this because I have been culpable. On many occasions I have remained silent on issues or refused to confront difficult situations for fear of losing friendships or to protect my own status within fandom. I have found certain conversations uncomfortable and have therefore avoided them altogether for fear of being seen as a trouble-maker, or someone who is trying to police or gatekeep fandom content whilst simultaneously wanting to so fiercely protect freedom of content creation. I have had several friends call me out on this, and my discomfort with taking on fraught topics when feelings are involved is something I have had to re-examine. Thank you to the friends who have challenged me on this. It is a brave thing to do, something I haven’t always responded well to, and I appreciate you for a much-needed dose of honesty. This post by @dictacontrion (rightfully) made me uncomfortable because it has called me out. In particular, this:

If we are not willing to speak up and take action, if we are not willing to risk our comfort, risk our status, risk our ease in order to defend freedom and equality, than we are not defenders freedom and equality. If we are not willing to speak up and take action in defense of our principles, our principles mean nothing.  

I am working on my own methods of fandom engagement. I apologise for all of those conversations I have taken myself out of because they were hard, and I promise I will strive to do better. As noted above we are a decade on from Race Fail, but these patterns continue to occur. I want to conclude by noting that the perspectives I have outlined above do not come from my own work. They come from the – often free and emotionally exhaustive – labour that has been put into raising these issues and asking those difficult questions within fandom space and within the broader sphere of fan studies. The work of Dr Rukmini Pande, Stich’s Media Mix and the many guests that have featured on @fansplaining episodes have been instrumental starting points for me and I have included some of the links below for that I would encourage people to consider listening to and reading together with exploring the links in the show notes and the Twitter accounts, blogs and tumblrs of the featured guests.

Episode 22A - Race and Fandom Part 1: Fansplaining’s Flourish and Elizabeth follow up on the last episode’s questions about the impact of racism in the Star Wars fandom—and how it’s a microcosm of fandom at large. They interview Rukmini Pande and Clio, and they hear clips from Holly Quinn, Shadowkeeper, and PJ Punla. Topics covered include the historical presence of fans of colour, space nazis, femslash and its discontents, and the Filipino perspective on the whiteness of media. 

Episode 22B - Race and Fandom Part 2:  In the second and final installment of Fansplaining’s “Race and Fandom” episodes, fans of colour continue to speak about their experiences in fandom. Elizabeth and Flourish interview Jeffrey Lyles and Zina, then hear clips from Roz, Traci-Anne, and zvi LikesTV. Topics covered include being Black and Jewish, Star Wars weddings, cosplaying characters of color, and why kink is never divorced from the real world.

Episode 89 - Rukmini Pande:  An episode where Dr. Rukmini Pande, a fan studies scholar whose new book, Squee From the Margins, explores race in both the field as well as fandom at large. Topics discussed include defining the boundaries of “fandom,” how queerness and gender structure fan studies while race typically does not, closed vs open digital platforms, how fandom discussions of racism are often relegated to “crisis points,” and more.

I also recommend the Transformative Works and Cultures Journal special edition on Fans of Color, Fandoms of Color (Vol 29 (2019)) which is freely accessible and edited by Abigail De Kosnik and André Carrington. 

[mypralaya]

I’m talking to a Lorna Dane/Polaris player right now about the canon background between her and Haven, and uh it ended up really long so I thought I’d post it here instead of just deleting it after. In case I ever need it again.   Okay, so it’s the early 90s. Lorna is working for the government as part of X-Factor. Despite this, another branch of the government attacked her and tried to capture/kill her. This when Haven first appeared, and when they first met---Haven teleported Lorna away from danger and into her own personal pocket dimension, where she introduced herself. Polaris believed that Haven was the one who sent the agents, and threatens to tear her apart. Haven keeps telling her that it wasn’t her, and Lorna yells “I don’t want to hear anymore lies!” Haven reponds by outstretching her arms, “I have no lies to speak. You were in danger. I retrieved you and brought you here. If that explanation doesn’t satisfy you then–do what you must. I won’t resist. The choice is yours. Which will it be? Fear, suspicion, and violence–or the  hand of trust?”

Lorna says “Let’s give trust a shot” and takes Haven’s hand. Haven shows her around her weird dimension, with swirling colored smoke and strange religious statues. Lorna questions why she saved her, asking what’s her game, and Haven says her suspicion isn’t surprising given “the years of manipulation and violation you have known. Mesmero, Malice, and the rest...used and abused you, treated you like something less than human.” As Lorna notes, Haven has clearly studied up on her, and asks why. “A new humanity is being born, Lorna. A humanity unforeseen by Xavier and Magnus both. Each of them so locked into his limited perception of reality, so attached to their way of seeing, that they’ve failed to grasp the truth.“ Lorna angrily assumes “Xavier? Is that what this is about? Using me to get at Charles?!” to which Haven responds “Charles Xavier has nothing to fear from me. I know his purity of heart. I know the power of his dream.” Haven then teleports Lorna back to the real world. She wonders if what just happened was even real, but then she finds at her feet, a copy of Haven’s book: Man, Mutant, and the New Humanity. X-Factor shows up at a lecture Haven is giving, where she talks about her beliefs that a new humanity is evolving, and that there is going to be a golden age in the future, something better, but right now, all we see is suffering and we look for someone to blame. She starts to speak out against anti-mutant bigotry...and that’s when Havok fires a plasma blast at her, frying to podium, and yells that she’s under arrest. I’m fucking serious. He commands X-Factor to take her into custody, Lorna very understandably asks “What the devil do you think you’re doing?!” WHICH I AM ALSO ASKING Havok is surprised, because he says he didn’t think Lorna (who was sent an invitation there by Xavier) was going to be here. Havok: “When I called the Brownstone, they said you were--” Lorna: “---fending off armored goons who were trying to kill me?!” Havok: “What are you talking about?” Lorna: “Look, I don’t know what you and Forge are up to--or what misinformation about Haven you’ve fed by our friends at the Pentagon--but she saved my life and I can’t just let you!” Havok: “Let me? In case you’ve forgotten, I’m in command of this team! If there’s a problem, I’d be happy to discuss it with you---later! But right now...X-Factor, you’ve got your orders---so MOVE!” And X-Factor charges Haven, WHO IS JUST STANDING THERE NOT DOING ANYTHING OR EVEN MAKING THREATS, while Lorna yells “Don’t do it---PLEASE!” ...it’s pretty messed up, tbh X-Factor never reaches Haven though because Lorna jumps between them with her magnetic energy just going all around her big-time. Havok tells her he’s been in briefings about Haven for days now, that she’s an international terrorist, a murderer multiple times over. Lorna counters that this “information” comes from the same government department that’s been trying to kill her. Havok: “Look--we don’t have time for this now! If there’s been a mistake, if she’s innocent, we’ll let a court of law decide. But, for now–” Polaris: “Guilty until proven innocent?” Havok shoves Lorna aside and runs at Have, his fists charged with plasma energy.  He’s clearly going to fire on Haven. Haven has not done anything. She’s just standing there. She isn’t using her own abilities, she’s clearly unarmed, she hasn’t even SAID anything…and she doesn’t have any powers that are going to make her any less harmed by Havok’s plasma-blast abilities than a normal human. Once more, Lorna intervenes on Haven’s behalf, throwing Havok aside with her powers. In retaliation, Wolfsbane attacks Lorna, only to be held back by Strong Guy, while one of Jamie’s dupes sides with Lorna. The entire team has now devolved into fighting each other, and Haven, the alleged villain, hasn’t done a thing. She hasn’t even spoken. Until now. “ Enough! It is not my intention to set you against each other To see this devolve into mindless violence. I wanted us to meet as allies…friends. And we will, I’m sure…at another time. In another place. But for now, I must–” That’s when Forge sneaks up behind her with a gun and tells her to surrender. However, Haven still does not retaliate, instead transforming into the golden costume she met Lorna in, and teleporting away. Cut to the Pentagon where Forge and Havok share what they've been told about Haven. That she's a lifelong charity worker who has founded several philanthropic organizations, lectured around the world on spiritual subjects, and attracted many devoted followers. In recent years, she's shifted her focus on the issue of mutants, claiming man and mutant aren't separate species, but part of the same human race, and the mutations we're seeing now are just the first step in a mass evolution towards something wholly new, different, and better. Which, hey, that sounds scientifically correct to me! According to them (and alas, they do turn out to be correct) Haven also believes that a Golden Age of peace is coming where suffering will be no more...but only after the Mahapralya, which is sort of like the Hindu Apocalypse except things start anew after it. And she has a cult of terrorists that, in order to bring about the Mahapralaya, cause “global chaos on a scale we've never seen before” by inciting riots, revolts, and war in “an alarming number of countries” as well as causing natural distasters and weather phenomena to create floods, earthquakes, famines, and plagues to purify the world. Lorna sarcastically dismisses this with “I'll bet she assassinated JFK...kidnapped Judge Crater...and sank the Luisitania for good measure!” Havok: Honey, I know Haven saved your life, but… Polaris: It’s not just that, Alex. I…felt something from her. A depth of soul, a…quality of being that can’t be faked. Who am I supposed to trust—the government that thinks I’m expendable, or the woman who saved me from them? Lorna agrees to look at Forge’s data about Haven, and she goes with the rest of X-Factor to Haven’s base in Northern California to investigate her for themselves. Once there, they meet Monsoon, Haven’s mutant brother who has weather-controlling powers like Storm, haven herself who welcomes them, and surprisingly, Valerie Cooper, the CIA agent in charge of managing X-Factor, who claims to have joined Haven (actually, she’s double-crossing her) Also Random, a big 90s cliche mercenary, comes with them, and he gets in a fight with Monsoon and Haven’s forces, and Haven is the one who stops it. Such villainy! Haven is happy to have them there, and tells them her beliefs...and admits that the charges brought against her are absolutely true, that this mass destruction and suffering must be wrought now in order to end all suffering forever. She asks X-Factor to join her. Valerie Cooper still claims to believe in Haven's cause, and at this, Havok becomes enraged, causing Wolfsbane to attack Val. However, she is stopped by Haven, who simply picks her up and heals her of the Genoshan bonding process. See, Wolfsbane was made a slave on Genosha, and an amnesiac Havok somehow became one of the Genoshan Magistrates. In addition to the standard brainwashing undergone by slaves, Rahne was mentally bonded to him so that she no longer had true thoughts, feelings, and desires of her own, she only wanted to please him and had to obey him. The effect was lesser if she was in wolf or hybrid form, hence why she was constantly furry during this time, but his emotions and wants still influenced her, hence why she attacked Valerie when he was angry, why she was hatefully jealous of Lorna while still wanting to protect her to make Havok happy, etc. No one else had realized this, they just thought she had a teenaged crush on Havok and was acting weird because of hormones, but Haven saw there was something wrong with her. “Poor child. You're so much like this troubled earth of ours. Tortured, sick, and in desperate need of healing.” Rahne, naturally, is overjoyed to be her own person again, not only to be able to resume human form but to have her own mind and soul be completely her own once more. Despite Lorna surely being shocked by Haven's admission of guilt, she looks really happy for Rahne. Haven doesn't ask anything from Rahne for this, saying her joy is thanks enough, but Rahne chooses to join Haven on the spot. Haven continues to show X-Factor her base and attempts to win them over to her side---peacefully, simply using words. But X-Factor won't have any of it. Even Lorna finally erupts: “Haven...I wanted to believe you---I really did. Even when I read Forge's files, I couldn't accept it! I kept hoping that I felt when we first met was real, that you were someone who could join us in our battle! Who could use your influence among men and mutants to help make our dream a reality! But you’re as deluded…as sick and twisted…as Magneto or Sinister or Apocalypse!” X-Factor moves to attack Haven, but Haven uses her powers, at last, to stop them. However, she still does not hurt them, instead imprisoning them in her pocket dimension, where she...talks to compassionately them about their problems and offers her help. She was really bad at this whole villain thing. I mean, she doesn't threaten to use this knowledge against them in the future if they oppose her, but she never makes good on it. She never even hurts them at all. She brings them back to the real world and in a real cell, so they can't stop her but she's not harming them either. Monsoon lets them out, revealing he's been working with Valerie against his own sister, despite how much he loves and idolizes her. A huge fight between Haven's forces and X-Factor breaks out, but the fight is stopped by Haven. Not by attacking them, but...by her telling her cult to lay down their arms because she wants to heal Multiple Madrox, who is dying on the spot of the Legacy Virus. Before he lost consciousness, he begged for Haven's help, having seen how she healed Rahne, but she needs Havok's consent to use her powers on him, since he can no longer consent to that himself and she doesn't dare wait or he might die. And indeed, he does. Haven tries to use her abilities to heal him, but she fails. Havok and Strong Guy blame her for his death, calling her a murderer, and Haven, distraught, flees into the night in tears. That's the last time X-Factor and Lorna see her. In her subsequent two issues, it's revealed the reason for such a compassionate, gentle person espousing such beliefs and commanding a violent cult is a pretty simple one: demonic possession. Twenty years ago, Haven became pregnant with a powerful mutant, which was then taken possession of by The Adversary, an extremely powerful demon in the Marvel universe. It accessed the powers of this fetus through Haven, letting her use them to do pretty much ANYTHING she wanted within her pocket dimension (including wiping people out of existence if she wanted, but she mostly just used it for teleportation and healing, not hurting anybody) Unfortunately, it also influenced her mind, pretended to be a divine presence, fed her these visions, and stalled its development for twenty years so she was eternally in her first trimester and eternally stuck with this thing in her head...until finally, it was ready to be reborn into the mortal plane, and it killed her in doing so. I thought Haven really got a raw deal. She was a kind person, even while possessed by an entity of cosmic evil, and whatever she might have told her cult to do, I notice she never actually hurt anyone. In normal circumstances, I would say she's a hypocrite who can't stomach practicing what she preaches, but since she was posessed, I think it's that The Adversary couldn't, for all its power, make someone like her do things like that, so it had to make her do it through other people. She didn't deserve to die alone in the mud. So, I write her as having survived the birth of the Adversary, and now being free from its control and going back to her normal life. But if given the opportunity, I think she'd like to reconnect with X-Factor and at least offer an explanation and an apology for her actions. And since she and Lorna especially connected, well, yeah. Also, how cool was Lorna during all this? She defended Haven against accusations when it was indeed logical to do so, and even threatened her own teammates with her abilities when they were sent to arrest her, because she didn’t want to put what she believed to be an innocent mutant woman in the hands of the US Government, especially after what said government had just tried to do to her. And she made some REALLY good points about it…which pisses me off, because she was of course proven wrong, and it’s like, hey writers, what are you trying to say with that huh?! Seriously man.

[loudlylistening]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/19C0xdKnY2qvxcOLH3AmbT5srSzwO83WPQ5saN9mdhQU/edit?usp=sharing

Dear All,

It has come to my attention that one of your faculty members has declared academic war against trans people, leaning on her position at the university to do so. Kathleen Stock has made her own hatred of trans people more than apparent. This is seen not only in her tweets and publications in various newspaper outlets, but also in her choosing to speak at A Woman’s Place’s conference in Brighton the week before trans pride. This event is going ahead on 16th July.  She acts and speaks as though she is simply trying to understand the trans experience, but when presented with any example of such she turns her nose up, instead preferring to trust her assumptions, misinformation, and the experiences of other cis men and women.

I have made several attempts to speak with Kathleen in person on this issue, as the organisation she is speaking for claims to just want to have a “reasonable debate” about transness. Thinking this must also be what Kathleen was seeking I engaged with her first via email, but later in responding to people responding to her tweets, believing that they simply wanted a clearer understanding of the trans experience.  Unfortunately, the number of insults I received and the refusal of her followers to engage with any of my points proved my attempt at engagement to be a waste of time and energy. It also resulted in Kathleen rescinding her invitation to speak with me about the issue as she saw me as too emotional and it wasn’t “part of her job”.

Given that one of the things I wanted to talk about was her apparent misconception of what it means to be trans, and her insistence on speaking about this issue using misinformation and falsehoods, it is something that would have been accepted by anyone trying to explore the philosophy around gender and gain an accurate picture of the situation. Her intentions are to paint her own doubts about trans people as a philosophical imperative, regardless of if her narrative fuels violent transphobic attitudes and contradict the evidence we have about trans people.

The way she portrays being trans and “trans ideology” is completely disingenuous and shows her to be someone completely stuck in an echo chamber of “trans women are not women like me and also I am so oppressed by them”.  She sees trans concepts of gender identity as as basic as if someone likes pink they are a women. Whereas trans people are actually saying if you bother to listen to us is that there is nothing that makes you a girl or a boy but you, and that as a person you can relate to these concepts however you like, as long as you don’t limit anyone else’s expression/identity. For example, a person assigned female at birth who likes to wear dresses and not bind their breasts can be a man, in just identifying as a man. If they feel that their own femininity feeds into their identity as a man, that is as valid as that feeding into someone else’s identity as a woman.

Kathleen, however, seems to think she can use a trans women’s masculinity to invalidate her womanhood, whilst simultaneously criticising feminine trans women (who often have to be extra feminine to have their identity validated by the external world) as “false caricatures of womanhood” for this femininity they are forced into.

There is a complex philosophical conversation to be had about gender, but it requires you believe trans people about their experience of gender in the same way you would believe cis people. Kathleen does not do this, because she is a bigot.

What makes anyone any particular gender is self-identifying with that gender. People’s reasons for doing this vary widely, but there is no correct reason for identifying as a particular gender. We are all trapped by a language that is gendered and requires us to see ourselves in a gendered way, and this is a feeling prevalent (yet again) in both trans and cis people. We have limited control of our own internal concepts of gender and how we see ourselves within that narrative. We should all be able to express and understand that part of ourselves in any way we wish (so long as it doesn’t harm anyone), and attempting to narrate someone else’s experience in the way Kathleen does is not only ridiculous but impossible. Only the person experiencing can fully understand their own experiences. Even then, there are so many factors that affect the ability to self perceive.

The interesting philosophical conversations that stem from that include how our self-identity forms, what makes up self-identity, what makes something a gendered experience, what is the experience of gender , why gender exists, could we get to a place where gender is irrelevant and would that be positive ect. Uninteresting and unphilosophical questions include “do non binary people exist”, “are trans women real women”, “are trans men really just confused lesbians”, “do people choose identify as a women/man to have more sex”, and the answer to these and other questions vomited up by the Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists is no, and this conclusion can be reached easily by believing most trans people about their own experiences.

Trans women being women does not harm anyone in contrast to what Kathleen would have you believe.

The narrative that Woman’s Place UK and Kathleen parrot is that "trans women do harm by being women in women’s spaces because there is a chance that really they’re just a man pretending to be a women to gain access to vulnerable women". This is the most common reason Kathleen repeatedly gives for considering excluding a vulnerable group of women who are more prone to be victims of violence and domestic violence from accessing women’s resources that can be a matter of life and death.

Trans women live their lives as women and they experience misogyny as women, and so are entitled to use women’s spaces as women.

Being a women doesn’t make you a safe person. Trans women have been included in women’s spaces since the dawn of humanity. Kathleen and her ilk are painting this as a new battle against a threat that they have no examples of actually happening, whilst making no one safer, and actively harming trans people. There is an equal chance of a cis lesbian entering a women’s space to abuse other women, in that it’s very unlikely and would have nothing to do with her being a lesbian. There are abusive trans women, but being accepted as a woman isn’t going to negate any other crime you commit or behaviour you repeat. Being a trans women doesn’t make you any more likely to be abusive than any other person.

Determined to understand her philosophical perspective, I started reading through her work, and to my horror found it littered with  transphobic false assumptions, and phrases like “trans ideology” (trans people are just a diverse group as cis people) and refusing to use words like cisgender in favour of the phrase  “women who are not trans women”. Her rejection of commonly accepted standard in academic talk about being transgender in favour of more cumbersome language is just one example of her deliberately othering and rejecting trans people

Kathleen is dangerous because she misleads readers on her own view to try to steer the conversation towards doubting trans people’s genders to be valid and trying to pose that as a reasonable academic view. Kathleen thinks her own gender comes from her genitals, and although this is valid for her, her desire to impose this on literally every other person is both elitist and absurd. Kathleen doesn't seem able to acknowledge her own biases and misleads her audiences by saying she supports trans rights while deliberately and aggressively undermining them. She can't continue this pattern of behaviour unchallenged by her colleagues.

In allowing her to continue this behaviour, without a critical response from anyone but the students union, you allow her position to be accepted as just a result of academia.

This is a false narrative.

Questioning whether trans people’s genders are as valid as cis people’s is not a difference of opinion, it is bigotry. It is bigotry because she is completely unwilling to engage with anyone who disagrees with her on the issue, upholding her core unshakeable belief that trans women are not women. It is a view she attributes partially to her being a lesbian that could never be attracted to a trans  lesbian, because she insists on falsely categorising trans women as people with penises and XY chromosomes. I have pointed out to her the existence of trans women without these traits, as bodies and chromosomal makeup can vary due to factors like the chance of your genetic, surgery, Hormone replacement therapy etc.

I personally am very interested in the philosophical aspect of gender, and in standing against and encouraging others to stand against Kathleen I am not trying to limit free speech. I am trying to make it clear to you several things:

1     That Kathleen’s arguments are based on her own bigotry rather than an interest in the philosophical conversation

2    In order to have an academic conversation about gender, you do not need to include bigots or doubt people’s gender

3    In not coming forward in the face of bigotry trying to hide under academic language not only do you fail trans students, but you allow     her to continue to lean of the academic weight of being a member of your faculty and institution

Adam Tickle has called for kindness and free speech in the wake of Kathleen’s most recent comments, allowing her to feel vindicated and free to spread hatred in the guise of academia.

Kathleen’s twitter and multiple articles about the issue is flowery hatred and misinformation.

I implore you to come forward in support of trans students and staff, who very existence Kathleen is trying to bring into the field of debate.  Bigotry is not necessary for free speech. Bigotry is based not on philosophical argument, but the very feelings that so many like to discard as invalid. Bigotry can hide in academic language.

It is endlessly exhausting being a trans person who is willing to engage with those you disagree with because often you end up being completely ignored and dismissed because you are trans, but this is something I put energy into doing when I feel able. What is even more exhausting is to see a wall of silence from the Philosophy department and Sussex as a whole.

Fighting this bigotry is emotionally taxing for me because it requires engaging with arguments that directly contradict my own experience of my self. We need others to help take responsibility and make bigotry unwelcome in your spaces. This especially includes the University of Sussex.

Best Wishes,

Kai Quinn Allen