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abbyandersonspocketpuszy · 2 days ago

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#love me not

Tags: nerd!Ellie blackgirl!reader high school!au cheerleader!reader

Synopsis: Nerdy!ellie joins the soccer team and she meets you not knowing your gonna be the one cheering for her team (you guys have a long complex past from last year that you both don’t wanna talk about)

Author’s note: my yearly contribution to tlou fandom🙏🏾(I haven’t been posting a lot on here because i haven’t had any creative ideas in a while) let me know if you like this and add make more! (Not proof read)

When Ellie joined it was mostly because of her friend Jessie who was on the boys soccer team he wanted her to join so wouldn’t be the only one in the friend group to be in a sport and he knew Diana wasn’t joining anything that included exercise.

And Ellie wanted to try something new anyway “I mean it’s better than sitting around with Joel” Ellie replied when Dina asked why she would join and who knows? Maybe she might like it, and it didn’t matter to her if she didn’t make the team anyway so there was nothing to lose. It was only when she saw you there was a problem.

Now Ellie had been trying all year to avoid you for a reason you never understood. Sure your last memory together was pretty embarrassing but you were never the embarrassed type, you had much better things to worry about. But for Ellie she was quite the opposite, actively avoiding any awkward moments.

Ellie was just walking in the locker room when she saw you walking past her with your cheer friends. You didn’t even notice her until she had basically ran out the room. Ellie didn’t know you were a cheerleader if she did she wouldn’t have joined to avoid this but it’s too late now you’re both here.

And so now you’re outside it’s early spring but the sun is beaming at you. Your cheer team is waiting and watching for your next dance hoping for a cloud to cover the sun just enough for your face to stop feeling burnt by the blazing sun. Your schools team makes a score and a cheer erupts from the crowd mostly from soccer moms who are a little to into this sport. Now it’s time for your team to start dancing you and your friends are doing your usual routine and Ellie is trying so hard not to look at you but she just can’t help it, seeing you dance was something she never expected. Every time you even glance in her direction her eyes dart to the farthest thing. Nervously trying to look cool “Hey keep your eyes on the game” Kristy reminds Ellie with a smile.

Kristy had become friends with Ellie during tryouts and Kristy knew something was up between you and her but thought it was nothing until the game when Ellie started acting weird.

At halftime everyone is sipping on their water trying to breathe before the game continues. That’s when Kristy asks “hat what’s up with you and that cheer girl over there?” “Huh? Oh nothing..” Ellie responds nervously “really? It seems like you two have something going on.” Kristy says teasingly then seriously “but seriously what’s going on? Your acting odd” Ellie can hear the concern coming from Kristy “I’m fine seriously” Ellie tries to convince her she’s fine knowing she’s not but oh well we don’t have time to figure it out now, there’s still a game after all.

Your school wins 10-15 (idk how soccer works🤷🏾‍♀️)

After the game everyone is rapping up and getting ready to leave. All the sooner moms of the losing team walk away angrily trying not to yell at their kids until they get the car. Joel leaves after congratulating Ellie to get the car ready for leaving Ellie to her team and you with the cheerleading team. As both teams walk out Ellie somehow (totally not Kristy pushing her ) bumps into you a small “sorry” comes out of Ellie nervously making you slightly annoyed. Being the person you are you are you make small talk with her, you how much she hates small talk but you know she’s been staring at you all game it’s cute. “Hey, congrats on the win” you say with smile “thanks you too” Ellie replys nervously, Kristy whispers “what the hell do you mean you too!?!? Say something interesting” you don’t hear a thing but see Ellie’s friend how speed walking away from her probably to give you too some space.

After some awkward silence Ellie gathers the courage to speak “so uh.. when did you become a cheerleader?” It takes a moment for you to respond because you were starting to think you were gonna do all the talking “oh..uh I wanted to do it just for the spring/winter season, sense my friends are doing it.” “Oh so you’re only doing this because of your friends?” Ellie responded much more calmly now “well no i wanted to be a cheerleader this was just a good reason to try” you explained. The conversation was nice even tho you two didn’t talk to each other for a year maybe you just needed some time to talk.

WELL THATS ALL FOLKS jk there might be a part two of this gets enough attention or whatever i feel like it.

this was mostly an insert of someone I know but I hope I didn’t change Ellie to the point it was annoying.

#ellie tlou #tlou2 #fanfic #high school #high school au #ellie x reader #ellie the last of us #ellie x y/n #the last of us #idk what to tag this as #please like and reblog #Spotify #tlou #tlou part 2 #x reader

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gyokutoll · 14 hours ago

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This isn't a conversation I want to have any more than necessary, nor belabor any point which is like? Uncomfortable. I've made the ethos of this blog pretty clear even through my rules, which is all a way of saying that the following headcanon is going to contain information which will be upsetting.

The topics and themes explored in it won't be done with any voyeuristic gusto or needlessly descriptive language, but it is going to be plainly explored with what I hope comes across as emotional maturity and intellectual integrity to the scope of "these things happen, and the fallout of these events don't stop even when the event is concluded."

The audience that I create for is, quite honestly, mainly myself and the things I want to see handled better in media with the nuance, love and care that I would like. Anyways, long preamble, but I just want to preemptively re-establish my values for new followers and why I believe that at least commenting on this with Hotaru is a narrative necessity and informs much of how he behaves.

The thing about Hotaru, that I find fundamentally inextricable from him as a character, is that he's someone who has experienced s/xual violence and coercion and that these experiences inform much of how he views other people and how he interfaces with them. SA is not something that stops having lingering effects on a person just because they have been separated from their abuser, and there's often this push for someone to be a "good" survivor and to behave in ways which we find sympathetic. When it comes to heavy abuse, many audiences find it distasteful when people respond in ways which don't align with their sensibilities, but these responses are a natural consequence of unimaginable horror.

And that's really what Hotaru is, a horror character taking the horror tropes classically associated with women and imposed onto a male character instead. But I think if we're going to continue this conversation, it's important to recognize that the main idea is that of bodily autonomy and the fact that many women in horror games have theirs denied to them. I think of Silent Hill 3 and in Haunting Ground where it is important for the woman to function as an incubator. I similarly think of Bloodborne and the violence the women there face and the impetus being placed onto them to carry young that they don't want. This particular aspect of the trope doesn't apply to Hotaru because he lacks the parts to have that be a reality for him, but we're working under this idea known as "taking".

Something is "taken" from the woman. Her virginity, her autonomy, her dignity, her body, etc etc. Barring the idea of virginity as a social construct, there is an inherent degradation in the idea of the deflowering of a woman. For Hotaru, the things being taken from his body are his own flesh and blood, his organs. This isn't the same kind of indignity as forced birth, but when we recontextualize it beneath the lens of "the body as something to use and take what is needed", the allegory makes a little bit more sense.

However, this isn’t a perfect one-to-one and I would argue there is another component about this which I find vital, which is the idea that men cannot be assaulted in this way, that they are socialized to be the conqueror in the vast majority of societies. This belief is also why Hotaru has not confided these experiences in anyone, but I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.

Hotaru’s relationship with Sadao was, by all accounts, abusive, but needs to be understood through the lens of various cycles being at play there. Hotaru had been bullied as a child and relatively isolated, which developmentally gave him low self-esteem. Having moved to Tokyo to attend medical school and the like, he was further isolated due to the cultural differences he had with his peers and the fact that he had never properly learned to socialize with them in that way. Not to say that Hotaru did not know how to talk to people, but the types of conversations we would typically expect from someone trend-minded and plugged into the dominant culture were not present with him. He was always someone sweet, reserved, and awkward, which made him ideal for Sadao to form a relationship with.

Sadao himself, as a Witch, came from a place of emotional neglect and social derision. Though yokai and Witches are an understood part of Hotaru’s society, they’re still met with derision. Sadao’s own relationship with his mother was fraught. He and Hotaru were parallels in that they both had absent fathers, but present mothers, this commonality bonded them. Somewhat. Sadao’s mother wasn’t so kind to him as Hotaru’s mother was. There was a lot of resentment there I’d like to discuss another time in detail for a proper Sadao post. Regardless, Sadao’s own history of abuse and neglect resulted in someone who was charming in order to survive. Whereas Hotaru had remained awkwardly authentic, Sadao had learned to use charm as a weapon and to obfuscate the worst parts of himself, but in a culture that already disenfranchised him for being a queer man and a Witch, there was this fervent need for control, especially for the things that he cared about.

It is important to remark that I do not intend on defending Sadao, as the things he did to Hotaru are indefensible. I do think there is value in stories where Abuser Bad and are defeated accordingly, but when it comes to day-to-day life, they are generally the product of something else and aren’t usually born wanting to commit harm, and those reasons for committing harm tend to be extremely tangled and contradictory and raw and bleeding and painful.

It needs to be understood that Sadao did love Hotaru, and it was because he loved Hotaru he felt this heightened, panicked control—this fervent need to monopolize Hotaru. Sadao did legitimately see Hotaru as the best thing in his life, but it was a situation where the tighter he gripped, the more he frightened Hotaru, but Hotaru stayed regardless. Hotaru had never been in a romantic relationship before at the time and due to his self-esteem issues, had been stunned that anyone would want him. His desire to want to fix Sadao, to stay with him in hopes that his love for Sadao would fix him, ultimately fell on deaf ears, but it’s their issues feeding into each other. Sadao desperately needed to feel strong in a society which made him feel worthless, and Hotaru desperately craved acceptance and not being othered. He dropped out of medical school for Sadao, he did whatever Sadao told him to. He accepted anything and everything that Sadao gave because he internalized within himself that he was at fault.

This need to please another and to please them so thoroughly put Hotaru into situations where he was s/xually coerced. These encounters weren’t violent, but they weren’t consensual either. Hotaru’s trauma response, of the fight flight or fawn list, is that of fawn. His default mode to many things is appeasement because it feels easier and like less harm will come to him if he does. So he gave in. Whenever Sadao wanted intimacy, Hotaru would give it even if he had been physically assaulted prior for irritating Sadao or speaking to Sadao in a way which Sadao did not approve. This was assault. Even if not at knifepoint, gunpoint, or immense violence, it was still assault, and something which would scar Hotaru’s ability to have intimacy with others.

The order of events next gets a bit stilted and messy. Hotaru started working at his first host club with Sadao’s permission, but Sadao eventually grew to resent that of which Hotaru did and would go back and forth on whether or not Hotaru should quit. Hosting is also extremely draining work that requires constant performance, so Hotaru was slipping in his ability to accommodate Sadao due to his fatigue. Their relationship ended when Sadao nearly strangled Hotaru to death for not saying exactly what he wanted him to say. The idea of control slipping and losing Hotaru terrified him, but resulted in him losing Hotaru regardless, because that was the final encounter which frightened Hotaru so much that he left him (and then getting cursed by Sadao after).

This unfortunately made him more vulnerable to hosting. Hosting isn’t supposed to be s/x work, but often is. There is a whole longer culture to this component, but to keep it short and sweet: no, trading s/xual favors for company in hosting isn’t legally permissible, and neither is it by the metric of a club’s rules, but many are glad to turn a blind eye if it increases profit for the talent and club. Also, depending on a club’s policies and whether or not they protect their talents, it can lead to a high pressure environment where they provide those “services”, but it’s really coercion.

Due to the nature of abuse and how certain behaviors remain if not addressed properly, and make someone more susceptible to abuse if left untreated, Hotaru was in an environment where he did partake in this even if he did not want to, even if with people he was not normally attracted to. In conversations of s/xual abuse, the dynamic is normally that of man and woman, and yes, other men did make unwanted passes onto Hotaru, but women did as well. There is a pervasive belief by many that women cannot taken advantage of men in this way, but it can and does happen. It did happen to Hotaru, and it’s something he’s never spoken of nor shared precisely due to the fact that he doesn’t expect to be believed in referencing these encounters. That, and he doesn’t have the expectation that someone would care enough to recognize the pain of this.

Hotaru, due to this hosting environment, was abusing substances. I don’t want to get into this much more beyond this portion, but he did indeed take part in “party culture” which involved substance abuse and s/xual promiscuity. Though I hesitate to label the latter as that because many of the encounters were coercion from men and women alike and with Hotaru in various states of sobriety where he could have not reasonably consented.

In many depictions of surviving this kind of abuse, it’s often associated with hypers/xuality or s/xual aversion. Hotaru is neither, I would classify him as belonging to the camp of dissociation. Every time these things would happen to him, Hotaru would mentally check out and let them happen as they would and try to forget about it later. Each encounter was mechanical and without any pleasure. It was done because he felt as if he had to—I’m pointing at that fawn response of his. He was afraid, vulnerable, and not doing financially well during this time of his life. Hosting does not start as luxurious and for some hosts, it never becomes that way. It did for Hotaru because he adapted well, but it also came at the cost of his body and his mental health.

His habits during this time were increasingly self-destructive because Sadao has cursed him shortly after their break up. This is where we round back to this idea of “taking”. Hotaru may not have a womb to “take”, but the spiritual through line of these things follows similar ideas that we see in female protagonists in horror games. His body was taken but also remains taken by yokai. The word “devoured” carries multiple connotations. Not every death Hotaru has is an allusion to SA, not every moment of being eaten alive is meant to represent that, but the purposeful ambiguity of what “dignity” means in a story and what access to a body could potentially symbolize is absolutely purposeful.

I realize this is nearly 2,000 words of extremely depressing analysis, but themes like these are very heavy and they’re not something I want to brush over. I want these themes and ideas to be represented with the nuance, love, care, and concern for what life means for the victim after these encounters. I frequently find myself dissatisfied in media with how these things happen, and are then treated like, “well! That’s over with! We don’t need to think about it anymore!”

Because in real life, it still impacts the victim, it isn’t an “arc” that they get to walk away from.

These encounters are why Hotaru views people as inherently selfish and self-satisfying, that people lack the capacity to meaningfully care for other people, because Hotaru reflects on this time very cynically. No one expressed concern for him, no one pushed water into his hands and told him to sober up, no one led him away from people who leered at him. So long as everyone was getting paid, his safety and well-being didn’t matter, and these things didn’t really happen to him because he was a man. These are lessons Hotaru hasn’t forgotten, and they will impact how he handles intimacy nowadays.

Because Hotaru has never been in a functional romantic relationship before, he doesn’t believe that they exist. And, supposing that he does overcome this hurdle, it doesn’t mean he’s going to do well in a s/xual context. I still imagine him as someone who freezes up, who hesitates, who gives very passive consent because he’s terrified that he’ll drive his partner away if he declines. Hotaru has been conditioned to believe that his consent does not matter, only the desires of those that he has attached himself to. And even though he tries to keep others at a distance now and tries very hard to be unpleasant, these aren’t traits one fixes overnight. Hotaru is someone who needs a lot of time to heal from this and isn’t the most functional in a romantic context for it.

Hotaru does have a desire to be loved and valued, but does not believe that humans are inherently good enough to provide it. Hotaru finds the idea of being an object of desire nauseating, paradoxically caught in this desire for love and this repulsion of it because it feels like a fantasy. It’s why his tongue is so sharp and he’s so quick to be nasty to those who speak to him, especially men. It is not that he hates men more than women, it is that he knows that he is attracted to men, and so thus he does not want to form greater attachments to them out of fear that any attraction could deepen and further harm him.

Hotaru is a character whose world views and defense mechanisms are informed by his traumas, and I feel like in order to authentically show his facets, these things need to be mentioned. Not, as I’ve stated, for any particular voyeuristic enjoyment or authorial sadism, but in the interest of authentically representing the complexities of survivorship and how it carries on long after the precipitating event.

I don’t want to end this particular conversation on such a grim note, so I do want to point out that Hotaru finds a lot of his healing through community and letting himself be supported. Hosting, by its inherent nature, is exploitative, but he does work in an environment now that prioritizes his safety and well-being. If he informs the bouncers of ESCAPE that someone has made him uncomfortable or is following him, then they will deal with that person accordingly.

He’s also similarly begun to find value in owning a pet. Pets have been proven to be beneficial to one’s mental health and oftentimes become the nexus of personal betterment. Hotaru moved into a better apartment, stopped abusing substances and having s/x because of Susu. He did not want to raise a chinchilla in an environment hampered by a dysfunctional owner. Hotaru has been clean for years now and has no interest in returning to those past, maladaptive coping mechanisms.

He still doesn’t have much by the way of friends other than Tsugumi, but he’s started spending more time with her in order to break up the monotony of hosting, going home, sleeping. Photography has also been a benefit to his mental health and has taught him to appreciate the world outside, even if he sees it as bleak. Because, for those few moments behind the lens, it feels like he’s seeing everything with a fresh set of eyes that haven’t been rendered exhausted by the external and internal pressures of the life that he’s lived.

Hotaru isn’t healed from these things and still suffers excruciating deaths, but the fact he is actively finding things to care for and is slowly opening himself up to connections with others again is him taking that healing journey. He’s not someone stagnant, constantly licking his wounds. I still think there’s a conversation to be had about the fact that shutting trauma away and not engaging with it is not the way of solving it, Hotaru is still doing his best with the limited information that he has and doesn’t want to be defined by all that he’s suffered, even if it bleeds through how he interfaces with others and his own world views.

Trauma is complicated, unpleasant, nasty, and often does not make the victim a saint. But the most important thing about Hotaru as a character, above all of it, is resilience. His purpose as a character is to show the remarkable faculty that humans innately possess to keep going even despite suffering and despair. Hotaru, despite the things that happened to him, is still someone who cares for others even if he claims to hate humanity. He still opens doors for people, helps elderly people cross the street, feeds stray cats, lets children examine his camera, makes small talk with cafe owners. Hotaru is unflinchingly raw and human. And sometimes being human means being nasty and traumatized and bitter, but in that same paradoxical instance, it means being filled with this brimming capacity for love and light. One does not contradict the other. The human psyche is infinitely complex and nonsensical and I want that demonstrated in Hotaru.

He’s the sort of person to be bitter and closed off and will tell someone to leave him alone, but he’s also the same person to sit down and tend to their wounds even if he insulted them literally hours prior.

I hope this analysis doesn’t seem like anything other than a love letter for the human experience and also Hotaru himself. Everything I’ve given him has never come from a malicious place, but rather a place of wanting to see someone experience horrible things, but not be beaten down by it, to still find things worth loving in the world, even if they’re as simple as a chinchilla in a cage and a camera on the table.

#psyche.#abuse cw #drugs cw #alcohol cw #sa cw

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front-facing-pokemon · 8 months ago

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#calyrex #kinda never really understood or found out what was going on with this thing? dunno what they do or why #or why their head is so big. so much knowledge in there #i dunno. they probably have Some lore but i didn't invent it is for certain. they end up riding the horses at one point and that's #considered a whole different form? of those pokémon? makes me wonder if. they have any point in being separated?#if they're just objectively more powerful together it's like. WELL LIKE. nobody's even using these things anyway they're so forgettable #at least to me. i'm so sorry i just do not know anything about them and i don't think anybody else really cares about them #at least from what i've seen

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royalarchivist · 6 months ago

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youtube

In case you missed it, Jaiden just uploaded a new video! Congrats to her for 10 years of beautiful, funny, and heartfelt storytime animations!

#Jaiden Animations #Jaiden #Jaiden was one of the first YouTubers I ever watched consistently #(The second; to be exact)#I literally never used to use YouTube. I don't know why it just didn't interest me #and the idea of following content creators was weird to me.#''Why be interested in them? They're just random people. I'm just watching their videos I don't really care who they are or what they do''#(I actually had that mindset until VERY recently)#The pandemic made me watch a lot more stuff and after getting my arm twisted by a friend into watching a certain SMP series #I started watching Phil + Techno because I liked their characters #then I was like ''Oh they're pretty funny people even outside of RP. I like them.''#and then I sorta understood why people liked creators for more than just their content #The parasocial thing is still odd to me #but I understand it better now and WHY it happens now that I'm closer to the whole content creator sphere than I was before #Anyways long tags. Go watch Jaiden's video #Youtube

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spookygibberish · 7 months ago

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I've sort of developed a strange relationship with the concept of "realism" in the things I make.

Something I was very into as like, an eleven year old (im not implying this was immature to be into, just that it was formative for me), was speculative biology specifically for dragons, and now, specifically in the case of dragons I find a lot of attempts to make them biologically plausible fully missing the appeal of dragons at all.

Thinking specifically about the supernatural elements of JoM and where the line is drawn. The dagnyds are made from the remains of godlike entities, and are not entirely earthly animals. They have a supernatural origin. It would be fully justified in giving them magic abilities or making magic an aspect of the setting, but have absolutely zero interest in doing so. It doesn't interest me. I think about shit like healing powers or glowy energy attacks and my reaction is just "what does this even add? Why do I need this? Does this make things more interesting?" And it simply doesn't. Healing is more interesting as a prolonged process, combat is more interesting with teeth and claws and metal and blood. These are options which are more realistic, closer to real life, but the realism isn't what makes them interesting: it's physicality.

When I design a creature for this world, I am not thinking about making it biologically plausible, and yet, I try to design things which look like they could 'move under their own power'. There is a sense of heft and mechanical "soundness" which I value more than realism, but often also aligns with looking 'realistic'.

I would say that it's better to serve a narrative than strive for absolute realism, but I don't actually write stories, although I do have ideas for them occasionally. I guess a version of this which is more relevant and applicable is that i prefer to strive for a particular vibe.

#extremely aimless post #what does this make me #a moderate? a centrist? god forbid #also does anyone else have the thing where they try and italicize a word and it works for a little bit and then decides actually you wanted #to italicize this whole paragraph right?#also grammar correct seems only there to try and obliterate the cadance of my sentences #anyways im not here for soft or hard scifi/fantasy/whatever make it al dente #With Teeth! ahaha #also part of why im sort of struggling with making my stuff into a game is i dont like the inherent abstraction of gameified mechanics #i also realized that i am fond of something like an RPG but find a lot of RPG mechanics sort of fluffy and superfluous. like was thinking #like i was thinking about a combat system and realized i dont actually care about this or think it's necessary? like constant pointless #small battles #in my setting which DOES have a magic system magic in that world is understood as like. a branch of science #on account of it being an observible tangible manipulatable aspect of the natural world its like lumped in with physical sciences instead of #arbitrarily being considered apart #ive also never been able to make somethething thats like fully a hard science fiction thing because the only science i care about is like.#biology

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neonhellscape · 4 months ago

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okay its no secret i dont buy into marazhai being the persona he puts on. so as i've officially met him in game now, im making a list of all the in-game reasons i think he's a bit of an idiot [which i love btw. i find him far more compelling if he's a bit stupid/weird and he's trying so hard not to be but you just know nobody in commorragh is inviting him to parties]

the very first time you get a glance of him on a rooftop and. 'deal with this' "of course" proceeds to just walk off like 3 seconds after the other two

ambushes you. has you cornered. is in optimal position to kick your ass frankly, high ground and better weapons and utilising shock against you. ...he bitches at you for a while, gets insulted, then runs off into the forest with a maniacal cackle

heinrix fired a mild insult [considering what he's like to everyone else its barely an insult] and he took big enough issue with it to start saying how he'll break him and turn him into a pet. oh sure dude you're responding super well to this mild comment from the guy who accidentally insults everyone and their entire ancestral line at some point

i think it says something that he's learned to speak your language fluently too. that Has to be some kind of Yikes moment to admit publicly in drukhari culture. buried family secret great great grandfather drukhari-georg learned to speak mon keigh and now we claim he just spoke oddly because was shot in the head as a child to prevent the shame

he also knows the mon keigh lore that says youre a super special little guy as rogue trader and actually LISTENS to the fact you're the special little guy as rogue trader. and he does treat you as more equal/with more respect than the other characters. thats not just a drukhari culture yikes thats what gets you checked for a concussion or brain damage

literally socially atrocious enough its believed he's working with you [read: with you. not using you, not manipulating, cooperating. this is a big difference i feel] and only he himself doesnt believe it

ignore the fact he eventually DOES work with you which. is its own follow up statement

challenges you to fight him, to give chase then and there. i made him wait while i went through english government simulator where i queued for multiple days, did multiple day/week voidship trips back and forth, got distracted by accidentally starting jae's romance, pasqal telling me to servitorise her, getting blackout drunk with her, shipwide broadcast tm, giving her a voidship, her getting me a space cat, attacked by pirates, dealt with a plague, explored a few extra systems.......................

he destroys your palace. ...its rebuilt effectively within a week. most of the damage is in bodies which are just sent to the poor district to rot [almost feels worse than the damage done good job imperium]

the throne has claw marks. he could've blown it up or shot it or piled corpses on it but no he wanted to sit on the fancy chair and so turned into a common housecat mauling the sofa arm

how long was he just sitting there lounging on that chair? again see how long i kept him waiting. he was just sitting there trying to find a comfy position on this [for him] kinda small chair JUST so he could briefly taunt, break your window with his space motorbike, jump off the chair in a dramatic [but not gunna lie not that impressive] feat of gymnastics, then fly out. he doesnt even shoot at you as he leaves

i will continue my list as i see more that entertain me

#warhammer rogue trader #rogue trader marazhai #marazhai rogue trader #marazhai aezyrraesh #dont listen to how he tries to portray himself hes LAME and i thoroughly enjoy that about him #like. marazhai is a social outcast on so many levels and he is trying SO hard to compensate. it makes him incredibly interesting #ive seen some stuff of him later on but not all that much so im really curious how it'll go/how well i've grasped him #my current thoughts on him? he's just. fundamentally someone who desperately wants to be understood #but in all his long life he's never found it. and commorragh isnt a place for weakness like that. so he acts over it #he pretends to be some great evil mastermind with a lot of flair which is Intentional. because he doesnt know how to act like other drukhar #so concealing that is the best he's got. he doesnt realise the yawning gaps that show it for what it is and bring distain on him anyway #drukhari hate him because he's not like them. he's odd and dramatic and takes things to heart when he shouldnt but dismisses things he shou #he's tolerated for his blood connections and how it killing him could be an invitation for feud. he's also easy to get out of the way #send him to go chat to some mon keigh he'll be so fixated on setting the stage for the meeting he'll miss the important stuff #humans hate him bc he's drukhari. they believe the way he portrays himself because it fits propaganda #hell he may've even learned how to act drukhari from human stories. it'd fit tbh. ....i want to think more on this now #either way he loses. and tbh thats why i do like the idea of him with pasqal. theyre both freaks and social outcasts despite their ranks #robot rambles

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shalom-iamcominghome · 10 months ago

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Me: I am interested in judaism ONLY. Show me content about jewish life, intellectualism, history, and daily life

The Algorithm, apparently: does this mean you're interested in mormonism... how about jehova's witness............... this is all you'll get recommended by the way

#jumblr #personal thoughts tag #on topic but. there's also been so many mormon missionaries in my town??? are they all coming back from serving mission trips or what......#it's also weird that my town is almost completely xtian but [insert shopping place] had a display specifically for pesach #like ik many xtians have seders and you know what i'm talking about but like...??? ig they tried because they gave out free pesach haggadah #but i think it was solely because they had displays for easter up. look i just thought it was funny considering where we live #but that same store has a small kosher section. as in... well it's got some kosher food #so i really don't know what to make of it because that display is gone (why i think it was more for easter??)#ANYWAY #i'm just confusion 🫰👍#wait on the topic of xtian seders... why??? i never understood that one and my family has never celebrated passover #what would the point be when (from my understanding) such a big part of pesach is the freedom of jews from slavery #and that g-d sent them/us manna. like i admit i don't know everything about pesach but how would an xtian observe it?#because i have heard of that in the past and assumed they were celebrating jesus instead which to me wouldn't be a seder or passover. idk..#also i'm watching one of the videos about mormonism that was recommended to me but. i still watch majority jewish things regardless so????

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deus-ex-mona · 5 months ago

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thrilled with the unexpected return of cheongsam mona tbh~~~

#she’s so cute in it!!!!!!!!! our princess frrrrrr #i hope she had lots of delicious bāo after the filming~~~~ she deserves that much~~~~#though. cursed confession here but i never truly understood why cheongsams are portrayed as alluring outfits as media tbvh #to me it’s just the thing i had to wear as a kid for cny and [insert school cultural event] (when the weather was too hot for my kebaya)#hmmmm. maybe it’s because of the slit? yeah it’s probably because of the slit huh…#but man. im reminded of this rather cursed event that happened eons ago whenever i see cheongsams… i dont think i wore them again after that #which was. y’know. probably for the best. they’re not exactly the easiest dresses to wear while climbing up into a truck… but i digress!!!!!#anyways!!! if you’ve read this far i might as well tell you my favourite thing to say in chinese~~~ ready~~~?#我要回家 (wo[tone 3] yào huí jiā): ‘i want to go home’#dang phone keyboard you just hate hanyupinyin dont you </3 #but yeah that’s the first phrase i taught my non-mandarin speaking (then)coworker just for fun a few months back. fun times~~~~~~#可是，我现在好累了……所以我真的很想睡觉……再见大家！

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doghartzy · 10 days ago

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actually real last post. how long do you think before mack does get sick of it all and requests a trade. either because of the losing or the false hometown or the daddy issues. or all of the above. like i hope he stays with the sharks forever partially so i can see what kind of monstrous metastasis his relationship with his dad grows into but also partially because i really do enjoy watching the sharks. but realistically how many years could YOU make it with your helicopter dad hovering over your shoulder at every moment before you start to realize that this is actually really fucking you up as a person and the only real option is to get out.

#like also would be soo interested in if the solution is to genuinely try to set boundaries or to leave!#like would he rather try to assert himself against his dad or just run away #and perhaps in this case running away would be more effective bc i honestly can't see (the) rick (in my brain)#taking mack setting boundaries um. well.#anyway we r all just reading into things this is not a serious post etc. mostly it is a bid #for ppl to write some angsty future fics where mack requests a trade #and refuses to tell will why because will's never understood mack's relationship with his dad #and has always kind of been an asshole about it (in mack's eyes)#and it causes this huge rift in their relationship and mack really struggles with the will-shaped hole #it creates in his life #and also struggles with how much more will's absence seems to be affecting him #than the absence of his dad. and what that says about him and what he's done #and how much time he spent distancing will from the important parts of his life (family) because he didn't think #they were compatible or that there was any reason to try and reconcile them #anyway. um.#NOW back to writing #bees speaks #rpf talk #271 #<- for tagging purposes

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jorrated · 11 months ago

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i agree that latinos experience xenophobia/racism just for being latinos, but also i cant help but laugh when white latinos try to pull the race card. girl you cant even take a photo with the flash on

#source: im brazilian and white #idk man her i guess we just see things differently #like once i saw someone saying they were half brazilian #as in their mom was brazilian and they were born in american #in my head i was like...... so youre american?....?????#latino isnt an ethnicity???#i guess we separate ethinicity and nationality here so whenever i see people talking about it as one thing i just dont get it #its not even a gatekeepy thing like 'oh you cant call yourself latino!!!!' or 'youre not a REAL brazilian' i deadass dont get it #culturally its another thing i 100% get when people say oh my ma was brazilian so yknow im brazilin #its one of the reasons why i never understood why people got so mad when they put like black characters in anime or smth #like they can be japanese and black?#idk i rememberd when someone described my as a poc artist and i found it funny. i cant go out in the sun for long lest i look shrimp pink #like i cant even tan..#anyways.#that being said. i saw someone saying vivz1ep0p is poc so she couldnt be racist and i looked it up and shes like half salvadorian #girl..... lol

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male-duckk · 6 months ago

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thinking abt joe/carlos

#ashita no joe #yeah #idk just the way that they loved and understood each other #when that understanding necessarily came from physical violence they must inflict on each other #that post that’s like joe can only understand affection when it’s punching him in the face is true!!#when someone like noriko who he does care for tries to connect with him #the connection can never be complete bc she doesn’t understand what boxing is to joe (and carlos)#which is interesting bc someone like yoko who is one of joes number one enablers pretty much ever tries to have a more personal conversation #with him that’s not about his fights (him getting in the car with her bc he assumes she’s taking him to jose #him avoiding and getting throwing shit at her over the course of the series when she tries to personally help him)#he is hostile to for a lot of the time #idk it’s just like yoko is the closest thing he has to one of his oppenents in terms of understanding what boxing means and he lowkey hates #her maybe bc she is extremely privileged #she’s kind of playing at this boxing is everything when to her it’s really not #her family is incredibly wealthy and she never goes through turmoil herself over the plot (expect for the loss of rikiishi)#while the boxers of the series go through hardship #joe is a homeless orphan #rikiishi is in the juvenile detention center for almost killing someone #carlos also grew up in the slums #pretty much every boxer in the series has a reason why they MUST box #while there is no reason why yoko MUST be a promoter really other than her odd enabling of joe #i got far away from my original point but i just have so many thoughts abt this series😭😭#the anime elitists cooked with this one i fear #anyway it is now 1am and i’m tired👍#have no clue if this makes sense #need someone to yap abt this to😭#sorry for the block of text that probably does not make any sense

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gwensy · 8 months ago

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gonna be annoying in the tags

#i have never understood the character = actor thing #like genuinely i dont fucking get it at all #if anything i think it both discredits the actors effort and the people that actually created the medias efforts #actors very rarely have anything to do with the characters creation nor do they have anything to do with a character outside of portraying #them like tbh i feel like its a massive insult to the work that goes into acting and writing #plus i just dont really care for actors personally #but thats just a me thing #idk!!! charlie cox does not equal matt murdock he had nothing to do with creating matt murdock #or like cillian murphy as jonathan crane #i dont like jonathan crane because he looks like cillian murphy i just like jonathan crane #like yeah he did a great job with acting in the trilogy and portrayed him great #but cillian murphy doesnt have any of the traits i like in jonathan crane idgaf about that guy aside from like two roles hes done #i dont know man #i just feel like itd be shitty to put months or years into the creation of media #into method acting and portraying these characters with the help of writers and directors #just for characters to not be acknowledged as seperate from their actors #idk. like jonathan crane is played by cillian murphy they have the same face whatever #but that is in no way shape or form the same guy at ALLLLL #idk. also fucks with fandom portrayals of characters #i.e booktok white women projecting poorly written smut onto every middle aged man ever #like you dont look at animated media and equate that character to their VA why would you do it for live action shit #you dont look at writers work and equate their characters to themselves #uuugggggghhhhh #plus i think the film idustry in general tends to give actors too much credit for the creation of media #not to say actors do nothing because they definetly do im interested in acting myself #but brother they r not the ones that direct and write and edit and sound mix and all this other shit #skyler posting #soigh #anyways

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aberooski · 4 months ago

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I know they're already trapped in cyberspace as it is, but I never understood why Sarina turned Syrus and Hassleberry into a dinosaur and a car as opposed to like, locking them up in there or actually putting them in danger? Like if you want the stakes to feel actually important to the duel like maybe I should actually have to worry about what will happen to them if Jaden and Aster lose...?

I dunno it doesn't really matter, like obviously it's entirely possible that the thing is just that they're just bait for Jaden so it doesn't really matter what she does with them because all she needs is to get Jaden and Aster there so she can test them in a duel so once they get there Sy and Hassleberry don't really matter anymore at that point. But I just think about this kinda stuff y'know? I'm a fanfic writer haha

#I love drama okay? we all know I'm a mean mean lady in that regard but also like?#never understood why she turned them into a dinosaur and a car #ugh it just drives me crazy like if they don't matter behond being bait then just like? leave them alone? or just lock them up #and only release them if they win? but they make this whole big deal about having to win the duel so she'll turn them back #but if they just win the duel and leave they'll be back to normal anyway??? so the stakes should be that if they win the duel #then sarina will return syrus and hassleberry to jaden and they can all leave like it's that simple no unnecessary transformations required?#and like the only stake if they lose is that whoever loses has to join the society of light which is bad yes very not great #but in the interest of sy and hassleberry mattering in this scenario like they should all things considered like very easily another stake #on top of that could be if jaden and aster lose sy and hassleberry's minds will get scattered and dissolved into cyberspace forever #kinda like how sarina opts to digitize herself when this is over? except not at all voluntary #but to be fair she says that whoever wins comes with her and the other is trapped in cyberspace sp there's that #but like y'all know what I mean right?#I think about this kinda stuff a little too much and it scrambles my brain a little ngl #anyway shut up abby hahaha #back to the duel!#abby rewatches yugioh gx #aberooski live #abby fully admits she's an idiot #yugioh gx #ygo gx #syrus truesdale #sho marufuji #tyranno hassleberry #jaden yuki #judai yuki #aster phoenix #edo phoenix

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beanghostprincess · 1 year ago

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Just thinking about the fact Sora died because of the poison she drink to save her kids, because she is gentle and kind. And her only son who the desesperate act work is as kind as her.

But the StrawHats don't know she did that, this is something he don't have the courage to tell. And they know even less that Sanji is ready to do the same.

He isn't pround of that, but he ends up discovering the poison she drink and even have the recipe of how to do it. Because the germa soldiers teached them this and others poisons.

And this little fact is like a silent threat, a thing that if the crew discovers this, would be attentive about anything he drinks until they're certainly he's not gonna do the same thing his mother did.

And when the StrawHats learn about this fact, the exactly thing he expected happens, he notice Chopper and Robin always near the kitchen with the excuse of how's there was calmer, Nami and Usopp start to do his drinks for him or always are looking him while he's doing it, the others does things too. And Sanji notices all of this.

It's needed months to calm the crew, but still after they stop, all of them always have this fear in the back of they're minds (Luffy even goes as far as asking Law to do a check up on Sanji the next time they meet), that he will do this, but they want to believe he will not. They really want to.

(Just a thought that come to my mind yesterday, and I wanted to share, y'know? Based on some headcanons)

Oh, damn. This honestly hits close to home and it's really interesting so I wanna talk about it. But, you know, it's a serious topic so:

TW // Suicide, poison, self-harm, depression, etc etc you know the drill about Sanji and his issues. I don't go deep, tho, so It's not THAT explicit but could be triggering.

I think that after WCI and Wano, they'd all be worried. Sanji has always been pretty self-sacrificing with everyone and he doesn't value his life in the slightest. He doesn't show signs at first of being actively suicidal but the way he treats his own life makes it clear that he gets into self-sabotaging situations to the point of it being considered self-harm or even passive suicidal behavior. He just- Doesn't care about dying because he puts others first all the time. He has been doing that forever and Skypiea is just one of the times he does that. But, y'know, they never notice that. At least not everyone. I think Zoro is the first to know because of Thriller Bark, honestly. That's one of the biggest signs imo. But then they're separated and it's not like they can talk about it. Then two years happen and uh, shit goes downhill after that because WCI is just utterly traumatizing for Sanji and Wano makes everything worse to the point of asking Zoro to kill him if he loses himself. And we always say that's really gay (because it is) but we ignore the whole point of Sanji genuinely asking somebody to kill him without any fucking hesitation. And he spends all of Wano having the biggest crisis of his life wondering if he's human enough or worthy of being in the crew and???? What the actual fuck. Anyway, I think the crew ends up finding out about everything and I don't believe Sanji is well mentally after all of this. I know they don't write it like this because things are happening and they have to go to Egghead, but I think Sanji would end up really fucked up after WCI and Wano to the point of being worrisome.

If they do find out about the poison thing and Sanj's suicidal thoughts (honestly, I don't know how they would even find out about it unless Reiju tells them or Sanji snaps and yells about that, but, y'know. The point is that they know and Sanji is getting worse) I think you're completely right and they'd be all over him. Because that's exactly what happens when somebody acts this way. They look after him to a suffocating extent and watch his steps. They take turns to watch him. They prepare his drinks. They even make up something so he doesn't have to be on night watch so he can sleep, because he's probably not sleeping either. Or eating well, for that matter, which is what makes them all worry even more in the first place.

And hear me out, because I think he would try to do it. Like- Commit, I mean. Not gonna get into the topic too deep but I think he'd try and I think it wouldn't work because somebody would help him right away and I think he'd try to play it off as a mistake and a misunderstanding, but everyone would know. And he'd just try to ignore their pep talks and interventions.

This is projecting from personal experience and everyone goes through these things differently, but God, I think he'd fucking hate it if they looked after him. Because he knows he won't do it again. At least he doesn't want to do it again. But everybody keeps looking after him like he's about to break at any moment and it's so damn annoying to not have any type of privacy because they think he's gonna off himself the second he's alone. And he gets why they're doing it and appreciates their efforts to look after him, but acting this way is not the answer to his problems. It's just asphyxiating and it isn't helping him get better. You know how the crew is, they're NOT subtle and careful with anything and they're just-- They have good intentions but it's suffocating and he can't handle it anymore.

And I think he'd snap. I actually want to write a fic about this if you let me use your idea (I will credit you, ofc) because I think it'd be great to make him snap at Nami, specifically, and then regret it completely.

Long story short because this is getting long: I think Brook and Robin would end up talking things out with him because they're the ones who understand him the most in this situation. He'd apologize to Nami but also everyone else would apologize too for acting this way, they were just worried and wanted to look after him. I think, after this, the only ones watching Sanji would be Brook and Robin and they'd do it carefully, supporting him and helping him get better. And the whole crew would be next to him along the way but doing it with less assertiveness and just gentler.

I think the concept of Sanji thinking about death so often is great because it adds depth to his character and it's not a crazy thought. I think it's pretty damn canon, actually. At least him being careless about his own life.

#so i never talk about these things here bc trauma but i've gone through shit like this and people don't let me go near medication alone #and it's been YEARS #and it's only stressful because they don't let you do anything on your own once shit like this happens and you lose all sense of privacy #like your whole identity and intimacy you could have fades away and i understand why sanji would snap at them #i think he'd regret it right away and he'd apologize and nami would understand perfectly but damn it hurts anyway #i could go deeper on this analysis but idk if it's a topic i should talk about on tumblr bc it's triggering for some #i think you understood what i wanted to say tho #he gets better dw #robin and brook are like- obviously the ones who have gone through shit like this ofc they'd understand him #anyway i always love to talk about sanji's mental health issues #he's very depressed has anxiety and probably bpd and an ed but that's a topic for another day #and he's also a sweetheart and deserves to be happy #we're all about positive thoughts here and i swear he gets better #one piece #black leg sanji #straw hat pirates #tw self destructive behavior #tw suicide #please be aware of the tags it's a really sensitive topic and i don't want any of you to be triggered :(

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