#I never quite know what to put for these captions anymore

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A different version of Dante, for something I’m working on 🫶🏼🌹

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Nowhere to Run: Part 1 (Miguel O’Hara (Spider-Man 2099) x Spider-Woman!f!reader)

Pairings: Miguel O’Hara (Spider-Man 2099) x Spider-Woman!f!reader

Warnings: Hints of suicidal ideation on reader’s part, Fang stuff (Miguel uses fangs on reader), Chasing, Miguel is maybe ooc (I only saw the movie once and was mostly trying to keep from audibly moaning every time he was on-screen), Miguel and reader fight - he does some damage, Poison, Wounds, Not edited (but I will come back for some minor edits later on), Let me know if I missed anything

Summary: After the collapse of your universe, you resort to jumping around the multiverse to survive. Evolution gave you the powers needed to escape your universe. Technology of your own design stopped the glitches. But you haven’t found a way to escape the man relentlessly hunting you across every universe - Spider-Man 2099. ~2,500 words

Angst, hurt/comfort, eventual happy ending

A/N: This is for all of us who watched the Nueva York chase scene/train sequence and thought ‘when do I get to be Miles?’ This is dedicated to the Miguel O’Hara editors on TikTok - you guys are doing god’s work over there (especially with the captions). There shouldn’t be any spoilers in here beyond what was shown in trailers, but tread as carefully as you feel you need.

EDIT: Part 2

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A persistent tingle deep in your mind vibrated madly the closer Spider-Man 2099 was to you. It was your Spidey-sense warning you of danger.  For the first few months, you managed to stay several universe’s ahead of the terrifying Spider-Man variant, but after running for months with no one to help you, dodging the Spider-Person in each universe, and growing more exhausted with each portal you opened, 2099 was catching up.

He was catching up quite literally. The man was a few blocks behind you, pursuing you through the streets of a Queens in a universe you had never seen before. Buildings were built into trees. The entire city was a perfect symbiosis between nature and technology. It was beautiful, but there was no time to appreciate it. The time on your wrist ticked down. Seventy-six seconds. Seventy-five.

You shot out another web. It caught a window, and you took a sharp corner then another trying to lose the hunter.

Seventy seconds until you could safely open another portal. Well safe was a relative measure. Ideally you would allow a full day between jumps, but if you only had twelve hours, well then odds of survival rose to about fifty-fifty. Anything less than twelve hours and implosion was basically guaranteed.

Sixty-eight. You extended your legs for more momentum, rolled in the air, shot out two webs and used them to zip forward. Sixty-two. 2099 was fast, faster than you. You didn’t dare to look back to see if he was still in pursuit.

He protected the multiverse, kept it from collapsing in on itself, and you put the entire web of connection at risk just by being alive outside of your universe. You didn’t begrudge 2099 for what he thought he had to do. Maybe it was true that your presence could cause a universe to collapse, but you were careful not to stay for too long, not to interact with the Spider of that universe, not to fight any super-villains. If he could just understand that you were careful, that you didn’t want a multiversal collapse anymore than he did, maybe he would be reasonable.

Then again, maybe not. He was relentless, and from what little you had heard of Spider-Man 2099, he wasn’t one for talk and negotiation.

Fifty-five. You dived down, shot another web, swung again. You could never go back to your world’s boundless emptiness and not another living soul. That thought kept your exhausted muscles working. Fifty. The void was all that remained of your collapsed universe, a void in which you could not die but where no one else could live.

Forty-eight. Forty seven. This block was all future, half-built apartment buildings.

Thirty. You’d long ago lost your suit. All that remained was the mask that obscured your face. You must look ridiculous swinging around in stolen street-clothes: a baggy sweatshirt, leggings, dirty sneakers.

Twenty-one. Nearly there. Just a few-

A solid mass of muscle stole the breath from your lungs and flattened you into a cement wall. Claws shattered the cement beside your head into a fine gray powder. A hand closed around your throat, and you were crushed between the blue and red clad Spider-Man and the wall.

He was pure muscle. This was the closest you’d ever been to 2099, and his sheer size was terrifying. The red lines on his mask narrowed with his eyes as he studied you.

Eighteen. You pushed at his broad chest, struggling desperately to fight him off, but he was enhanced too and probably well-fed and rested - two things you were not.

“Stop fighting me,” 2099 growled into your ear, his voice a deep rumble that you felt in his chest.

“I won’t go back.” You choked out the words while you planted a knee against him and tried to kick him away. Your efforts were utterly useless. Quite literally, you could feel muscles rippling across his chest and arms as he held you against the wall while you trid to wriggle free.

In the corner of your eye, you watched the red numbers tick down. Six. Five. Was it even possible? It had to be.

2099 brought you forward then slammed you into the wall again. The impact made your head spin. The red lines of his mask doubled and tripled. He was trying to get something around your wrist.

“Hold still!”

Two.

With the last vestige of strength left in your body, you brought a hand to his face and shot a wad of webbing at his eyes. He growled and stopped his attempt to hand-cuff you - or whatever he was doing - to wipe the webbing away. For a second he was distracted. You imagined the glowing golden portal. Closed your eyes. Energy sparked in your body, coursed through your veins and arm. You shot a web at the wall behind you. It shimmered gold, dim gold, but still gold.

There was a moment where you thought it hadn't worked. Then the wall crumbled away and you felt wind whip you backward as a bright gold light filled the space. 2099 reached for you, claws extended. Four knife-like talons dug into your shoulder, ripping through the ratty sweater, digging into your skin, and tearing four long bloody stripes into your flesh as the portal drug you away..

You planted both feet on his stomach and kicked him off. A bright red web shot out from 2099’s hand to tangle in a tree. The last thing you saw was 2099 falling then catching himself before you tumbled away from him and toward a new universe.

--

It was raining on this new Earth. Actually, ‘raining’ was a bit of an understatement. It was absolutely pouring, and you were soaked before you hit the ground. Hard.

You hadn't been as focused as you needed to be, and the portal had opened in the sky and dropped you ten feet to the roof of a towering building in some universe’s version of New York. You couldn’t tear the mask from your face quick enough as you gasped desperately for air. 2099 was strong, and he’d smashed you half a foot into solid cement.

Your ribs ached. So did your head for that matter. But it was the dull ache spreading across your shoulder, down your arm, and seeping through your muscles like liquid fire that really made you afraid.

The gray of your stolen sweater was soaked in crimson blood. Carefully, you pushed the stained fabric over your shoulder.

Shit. Shit!

Beneath the torn fabric, your skin glowed a sickly, dare you say radioactive red - the same red as 2099’s suit. His talons must have been poisoned, and now that poison was making it’s way through your body, causing unknown damage and immense pain. There had to be a lab on this Earth. Right? If you could only get there, you were smart enough to whip up an antidote.

But as you stood, it was obvious that you wouldn’t be going anywhere. The poison was potent and fast-acting. Insanely, you wondered if it was really poison or if you should be calling it venom. It didn’t matter, because a moment after gaining your feet, your legs failed. You careened forward and nearly smashed your head again, only just catching yourself before slowly laying down in the rainwater.

City lights sparkled in the distance and reflected in the puddle forming around your head. Purple and blues and few bright yellows. Not a bad view if this was how you died. If only the poison weren’t so painful. You wanted to scream, but you lacked the strength.

A familiar tingle shot across your spine a second before the bright gold light of a portal obscured the reflection of the city lights. No! He was so close when you jumped universe’s. He must have tracked you; no wonder he hadn't bothered to chase you through the portal.

You scrambled backwards weakly, your feet struggling for purchase on the slick roof as the broad shouldered man appeared. He was wreathed in gold light. You couldn’t jump again, couldn’t even stand, could barely drag your body through the rain as Spider-Man 2099 strode closer.

“Nowhere to run,” he said. His voice was flat, like he took no pleasure in finally having you trapped.

“I won’t go back!” You tried to sound tough, strong, but your voice cracked over the words. “There’s nothing there. I can’t. I’d rather die than- than go back to nothing. 2099, don’t send me back”

Your fingers felt the ledge of the building and empty air beyond it. Poison. Fall. The clawed Spider-Man. A slow descent into madness trapped in the empty and endless remains of your home universe. A fall seemed fastest. But you didn’t want to. You were scared. You didn’t really want to die. Your shoulder throbbed and head filled with fog. The skin was glowing such a bright red you could see it in the corner of your eye.

In the brief moment you hesitated, he was on you. 2099’s red webs wrapped around your chest, and he yanked you forward and away from the ledge. You crumpled at his feet, and he just stared down at you through that mask. His blue and red mask swam in your vision as you stared up at him. Was it the rain that was so cold? Or was it the poison? No, venom. Poison? Venom?

2099’s face got bigger as he knelt beside you.

“What is this?” He pulled at the torn sweater, his gaze falling on the bright red mottling your skin.

Miguel O’Hara had never seen his claws damage anyone like this. There was no venom in them… unless in whatever universe you had come from something about them was venomous. It was possible. His fangs were venomous, that he did know.

Miguel pulled off his mask, the adrenaline of the chase fading while he watched you struggle for life. He’d meant to stop you, take you back to base, figure out where you’d come from… not kill you. He ran his tongue over one of the fangs protruding from his mouth.

The next thing you knew, 2099 was sitting next to you and pulling you onto his lap. It might have all been a dream, you couldn’t tell. The lights were so beautiful. Your head lolled to one side, your whole body limp as a ragdoll in his muscular arms. His face filled your vision and blocked out the pretty lights.

He had a strong jawline, dark curls, sharp cheekbones, a broad nose, and were those fangs? And were his eyes glowing red? Yes, two orbs as red as the suit and your poisoned skin shone down at you. He was pretty too. This had to be a dream. The monster chasing you couldn’t be so handsome. You blinked, eyes unfocused. Your Spidey-sense was going wild, but you couldn’t bring yourself to fight. 2099 was warm, and you could go to sleep right here.

He shifted your body again so your side was pressed against his chest. “2099,” you whispered weakly, pathetically.

“I’m sorry for this,” he whispered in that low growl. Now it was tinged with what almost sounded like real regret. “It’s the best I can think of.”

He guided your head to rest in the curve of his shoulder, face turned toward his neck. One hand brushed hair away from your neck, the other wrapped around your waist. His fingers were no longer clawed, and his movements were gentle as he held you close, muscles tensing underneath your body. The expression on his face was tender. It seemed impossible that this was the same man who had made you his prey for months.

“Don’t panic now,” he whispered as he lowered his lips to your neck. “Stay still.”

You were barely aware of what was happening. His lips were warm, then four sharp pricks stung the base of your neck just above your collarbone and the deep poisoned wounds. Panic tried to rise in your throat, but you weren’t conscious enough to really process that a man currently had his fangs sunk into your throat. He drew back and spit out bright red poison, then bit into you again. Then again. And again.

Miguel was exceptionally careful with you, holding you perfectly still and being sure to sink his fangs into the same spot each time so as not to mark your skin any more than necessary.

Slowly, the world began coming back into focus. You were exhausted, but the poison was being was successfully being leeched from your system by his fangs. Brown curls were the first thing you became aware of, then the almost unnatural warmth coming from the man beneath you, then the cold pricks on rain on your back, then... then that something was biting you. Before you could wrench your head back, a large hand cradled the back of your head. You desperately tried to struggle as you realized what this vampiric Spider-Man was doing to you. The muscles in his arm flexed as he held your head still.

2099 pulled his fangs from your neck, spit bright red then let go of your head. You sat up quickly. The movement made you dizzy.

“I know you’re scared.” Miguel could see the fear in your eyes. He nodded to your still glowing shoulder. It was dimmer now and hurt less, but it was still obvious poisoned. “But this is working. Let me help you.”

You were looking him right in the eyes, the glowing red eyes, and though you didn’t trust him, you knew instinctively he was right.

“Okay,” you breathed lowly.

You laid your head on his shoulder. Miguel could feel how your whole body trembled, but whether it was from fear or cold or something else entirely he couldn’t tell. When his lips touched your skin you whimpered. That was fear.

Miguel still had one arm around you, but he took your hand in his free one, interlaced your fingers, and squeezed once. Then he sunk his fangs into your neck. It stung a bit but didn’t really hurt. Now that your were conscious, you could feel the poison being drawn toward the spot where his mouth connected to your skin. That didn’t really hurt either. It was like stretching a sore muscle - a satisfying pain that ultimately brought relief.

2099 drew back to spit out his poison. When was the last time you’d touched someone like this? A touch that was more than an accidental brush in the street - or a purposeful one so you could steal someone’s wallet. 2099 was your enemy, your hunter. He was dangerous. But he was saving your life and holding you so tenderly it made your chest ache.

“Once more,” he promised.

His fangs brushed over your skin for the last time. You pulled your hand from his and splayed your fingers across his chest. 2099 brought his now free hand to your poisoned shoulder and pushed the ripped fabric apart.

Miguel watched the last of the poison be pulled from your veins as it filled his mouth. He spit it out then turned back to study how your body was pressed against him.

“Can you stand?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” you answered honestly. Then panic hit and you jerked back, still sitting on his lap but with your face now safely away from his fangs. “You- you’re going to send me back. 2099, please don’t.”

“Why do you keep calling me that? My name is Miguel.”

Miguel. 2099 had a name. Of course he did, but hearing it made him seem so human. And his face was handsome. That was no venom or poison induced hallucination. The man was beautiful.

“And no. Not yet.”

“My universe collapsed. There’s nothing for me to go back to.”

His red eyes softened as they met yours.

“We won’t send you back to an empty universe,” he paused, and one side of his lips twitched up. “You ran because you thought I’d send you back to a void? I see I have quite the reputation.”

Miguel lifted you to your feet easily. He set you on your feet and tapped the watch-like contraption on his wrist. You leaned against his muscled chest for stability. Even without his poison, you were still wounded and tired and malnourished. A portal spiraled out in front of you both.

“You promise not to send me back there?” You looked up at Miguel. He squinted at the portal’s bright light and tugged the mask back over his face.

“Promise.”

To be continued... 

Part 2

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A/N: Part 2 will be a little time jump, and we’ll actually see Miguel and reader get into a relationship!

My Masterlist

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Taglist (Want to be added? Click here.) - 

@copingchaos @n1ght5h4d3-24 @paintmekala @chaoticevilbakugo @janebby @chaoticevilbakugo @weirdo125 @roseqzpd @bitchyglitterfox @m0nster-fvcker @romanarose

Won’t Tag: @janebby @marvelescvpe

If you want taken off, just let me know! I took a guess on who might be interested.

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Instagram

Natasha Romanoff x Female Reader

You find out about Natasha’s secret Instagram while she’s away on a mission

Note: Inspired by the romanoffthereal account Scarlett is definitely running lol. Enjoy this one!

Natasha Masterlist 1, Natasha Masterlist 2, Natasha Masterlist 3, Main Masterlist

When you walk into the living room, you hear your oldest kids giggling. You smile at the sound, but your curiosity is piqued when you notice their attention is on a phone.

“What’s up?” You ask them. Ali drops her phone into her lap and they all turn to you. You raise a brow.

“Hi Mom,” she says. Her voice is sincere but her eyes don’t quite meet yours.

“Do I even want to know?” You ask, assuming it was something the kids wouldn’t want to spend time explaining why it’s funny.

The boys stand up as if on cue and excuse themselves with a little side hug to you. They’re getting older, but still remain sweet.

“Just ask Mama,” Ali says before running off too.

You shake your head in confusion. Why would Natasha know what they’re laughing at? She’s not even in town. A mission she didn’t want to go on pulled her away for a couple of weeks.

The rest of the day is spent trying to wrangle all of the kids. You don’t find anymore sneaky laughter sessions. Settling in for the night, you lie down and get on your phone.

That’s when you see your friend sent you a post on Instagram. It’s been a while since you opened the app, finding yourself way too busy with kids and with Nat not wanting too much of the family information online.

You open the message to see a picture of a Black Widow toy along with other Avengers. Before you even read the caption of the post, you read the message from your friend.

Is this your wife?

You furrow your brow in confusion. Clicking on the photo, you see the post is written in first person from an account named romanoffthereal.

Surely not, you type in response.

You examine the photo further and wonder if it really could be her. But surely she would’ve told you she made a secret Instagram. Right?

You try to sleep, but the cold spot in the bed next to you doesn’t help. You miss Natasha. Glancing at the clock, you decide maybe she’s getting up across the world.

Your contact photo of Nat always makes you smile. A silly selfie she took one day on your phone when you left it on the table. You click on it and wait for your wife’s voice to ring through.

Unfortunately she never picks up. You sigh and put your phone back on the nightstand. Sleep never comes around and soon it’s 5am.

You get up and start on breakfast for the kids. It’s a never ending process, but you wouldn’t trade it for anything. The life you and Natasha have made is absolutely perfect.

As if she knows you’re thinking of her, Natasha finally calls you back.

“Hey,” you answer.

“Hi sweetheart,” she replies. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“You sound upset. Plus, you called me in the middle of the night,” Natasha explains.

“You knew I was upset by me saying one word?”

“I’m a spy, baby,” she jokes. “And we’ve been married forever now. I have good news though.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“One second,” she says.

You wait for her to reply over the phone, but instead you’re met with the front door opening. Natasha walks in with a grin on her face.

Whatever fruit you were cutting is abandoned. You run over to her and hug her tight.

“It’s okay,” Nat says. “I’m back.”

“I missed you.”

“I missed you more,” Nat replies.

You kiss her lips and hold her tight once again. Soon, the kids wake up and everyone is so happy to see Nat.

By dinner time, she’s soaked up all of the love she can take. Nat escapes to some solitude to decompress from the mission.

You take her a plate of food to your bedroom. She’s sitting on the bed on her phone.

“So, I have a question,” you say. She narrows her eyes. “And I expect you’ll have an answer.”

“Okay,” she says, but comes out more like a question.

“Do you have an Instagram you didn’t tell me about?”

Natasha smirks. She’s been caught.

“Which one of those kids ratted on me?” She asks.

“Wait, it’s true?!”

“It was for fun,” Nat shrugs. “For the kids to laugh at. So who told you? Was it Jack? He never could lie to you.”

“It was not the kids actually,” you say. “Although, I did see them all laughing at their phone’s yesterday and Ali said to ask you why.”

Natasha chuckles and smiles softly at the fact that she made the kids laugh. She prides herself on being humorous, even in a nerdy way.

“My friend sent me the post though,” you say. Nat doesn’t smile at that.

“Shit, I thought I made it private.”

“No, baby. You know for a super spy, you’re really bad at using media,” you tease her.

“I’ll remember you said that,” Nat says, feigning seriousness.

You laugh and lean into her. Nat wraps you in a hug so tight you can barely breathe.

“I’ll delete it,” Nat says after a minute.

“The kids like it. Just have them help you make it private,” you suggest.

“Deal.” A minute later she adds, “I love you.”

“I love you more,” you reply.

“Mhm,” she hums.

You pull away from her just enough to look in her eye. She kisses you deeply. Her want for you is evident in her touch.

“The kids occupied?” She asks.

“I turned on a movie,” you say.

“Perfect.”

The two of you don’t waste a second getting reacquainted with each other. Life with her is perfect with her silly Instagram and all.

[megs-1800]

Always have your back

Note: Please as always leave me feedback and any requests

Summary: Everything is going well with you and Mason until your ex starts messaging you and pressuring you to send him money. Mason is the one who cleared all the mess that your ex left behind. How is Mason going to accept you helping your ex again?

Pairings: Mason Mount x Reader

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: Swearing, angst, Fluff and toxic ex

It’s a freezing autumn night, I am sat curled up in my Disney pjs, hair up in a bun, blanket and Netflix on. Mason has a Tuesday night kick off tonight so I know he won’t be home until late. I quickly snap a photo of me curled up and send it to Mason with the caption “wish you were here ;)” then quickly forwarded it up with “good luck my number 7 go out and smash it”. I know he probably cannot reply but I least I text him some encouragement. I then put my phone down and started to cook dinner.

Thats when my Facebook notification binged up, no one ever messages me on FB. My profile is private so it’s not like any fans can message me and all the people I talk to have my number so I am confused. That’s when I see the name show up ‘James’. Fuck! I thought, what the hell does this prick want. James was my ex that I was with just before me and Mason got together, he left me in loads of debt and hating my life. Then I saw the message he just put “Hi x” I messaged straight back “Hi” with no kiss I did not want to engage with this conversation. I can see the message was opened and he was typing, he was typing for quite a while that’s when it finally binged again. It said:

“Look I know you hate me, I am sorry for what I did to you. I was hurt you ended it. I know it was my fault for all the lies and the drugs I was a mess but I am different now. I am trying to turn my life around Y/N/N. I just owe these dealers money and I need to pay them, I cleared most of it I just need another £200. Once that’s paid that’s everyone cleared and I can focus on my new life. I am scared they threatening to come to my mums and my sisters house, please you know how much they meant to you. Please, I start a new job tomorrow and I get paid weekly so I will pay you back at the end of next week, I promise this time no bullshit”.

I didn’t want to believe him, I have heard all these lies before but I know the trouble he can get in and the people he gets involved with are serious. How could I live with myself if his family got hurt when I could help? I really didn’t want to but its just £200 in the scheme of things what is that? I replied “Yeah sure it’s a one off I will not send you anymore and I want it back on Friday.” He replied thanking me and send me the bank details on where to send it and confirmed he would send it straight back. I really wanted to believe him this time.

The next couple of days were busy with work and Mason has been busy with training, you know how hard he is working to ensure he doesn’t get injured again which I am praying his non-injury spell lasts. I was working away at home when I heard my phone buzz again, it was a FB notification. I saw it was James again. “Hey Y/N, I really wouldn’t ask unless I was desperate. Is there any chance I could borrow £100 please? I literally have no food in the house, I haven’t eaten in days please I promise I will pay it back?”. Again I thought what happens if he hadn’t eaten? How can I live with myself knowing that he was starving and I could help and I didn’t. So once again I sent it.

I wanted to speak to Mason about it, I hated hiding this from him but I knew he would never understand. He hated James with a passion. I met Mason whilst I was still with James. I made it clear to Mason I wasn’t a cheat and he never pressured me and ensure our conversations were PG. That was until I confided in Mason that I was tired of James’s bullshit and I didn’t want to be with him anymore. That’s when Mason stepped in and supported me to leave James. The problem is that James agreed to support me with the rent (as we still had 7 months left on the tenancy) and all the credit cards and loans I took out for him. Of course he didn’t though and I was struggling to pay it all myself. I didn’t want to tell Mason but he forced it out of me when he realised how stressed I was. A couple of days later I had a call from my landlord to say the flat I was living in was sold, I knew then it was Mason. When I confronted him about it, he explained he put the property in my name so its mine, I can do whatever I want with it. I was fuming but I know it did it out of kindness. Then a couple of weeks later I received a large deposit into my account, Mason gave me the money to clear the loans and credit cards. You have never been shown kindness like that in your life, you didn’t even want to use the money you just left in your account for weeks not knowing what to do. Mason kept insisting you used it and said he would be offended if you didn’t. He promised he would never tell a soul he did that and would never used it against you, you trusted him. You tried to pay Mason back each month, but he refused to take it, he explained you could repay him by going out on a date with him.. that’s how you both started dating. So that’s why you couldn’t tell Mason the truth, after he did all that and to find out you were still helping  James out, he would flip out.

The Friday came when James was suppose to pay you, shocker he doesn’t and when you message him asking if he going to send it back he reads the messages and ignores it. Great I thought I should of known better.

The following Sunday we went to Mason’s family for Sunday dinner, it was a long drive so we went down their Saturday night and ended up staying down. I love his family and his parents treat me like their own. I couldn’t ask for better inlaws. The food was amazing! I am so full. It has been such a good day with laughter and smiles. I am all curled up on their sofa trying to stretch my belly out as its now cramping from the amount of food I just digested. That’s when I hear the dreaded sound of my FB messenger notification again. I was just going to ignore it as I knew exactly who it was and I didn’t want him ruining my mood right now. I quickly looked at it though, I just wanted him to go away. Again he was asking for money, SHOCK! I thought. I messaged straight back putting my foot down, I don’t care about the reasoning I knows its all bullshit anyway, I replied “No James, no fucking more! You lied and never paid me back its all bullshit now leave me alone before I block you!”. That’s when another 5 notifications came through. Mason looked over at me “Jheez somebody is popular” He laughed. I laughed back trying to put Mason at ease “it must be Lauren you know what she is like can never just text a paragraph she gotta send me a couple of words per text”. Mason nodded and agreed he knew what she was like. I picked it up and saw the disgusting texts that were sent back, calling me a slag, how I am only with Mason for his money, saying how I could just get Mason to sort it out but I cannot ‘be bothered’, how I never did anything for him, how I was too big and ugly to be a WAG. Mason looked up at me in concern as he saw my mood change, he didn’t press as he knew I wouldn’t say anything in front of his parents but made a mental note to speak to me about it later. My phone buzzed another 5 times, this time Mason shot me a look as to say what the hell is going on, who the hell is that? I made a quick a joke to say “Must just be my other boyfriend” which Mason’s parents laughed at but Mason didn’t seem too impressed. He knew you were hiding something from him. It continued with the horrible words, in the end you just wanted it to stop, you wanted him to just leave you alone. You don’t know why you did it you just needed it to stop so you could enjoy the rest of your day. You quickly sent him another £100 and put your phone on silent.

The ride home was quiet, I could tell Mason wanted to ask you about the text messages but didn’t want to cause an argument tonight after such a nice day.

Mason was laying on your bed playing Fifa but couldn’t concentrate, you were lying next to him asleep you were such a heavy sleeper you would not be waking up anytime soon. Mason looks over at your phone next to you on the bedside table, he doesn’t want to do it but he needs to know what made you so upset and made your mood change like that. If someone hurt you they going to know about it he was thinking. Before he knew it he had your phone in his hands and unlocked it. He knew it was a FB messenger notification so quickly opened the app. That’s when he saw it, it was from James. Surely not, y/n couldn’t be cheating on me with her ex could she? His heart starting to break and his hands started to shake. When he opened the messages he saw the disgusting things that were being thrown at you. How dare he speak to you like that. Mason was fuming. The worst part Mason was angry that you gave in and sent him money. So he gets you into debt which I pay off and support you just for you to support him again fuck that Mason thought. He wasn’t sure how to approach this conversation now without telling you he went through your phone. He quickly put it back on the side and just laid staring at the ceiling. How dare he take advantage of your kindness. That’s the thing mason loves about you, you have such a big heart but struggle to see when people are using you. Mason just wants to protect you but he now not sure how. 

The next day Mason has a day off and we have had a both needed relaxing day. I am lying on masons lap across our sofa whilst he is sat up playing fifa. That’s when I hear the dreaded FB notifications again. I quickly sat up and moved up the sofa so Mason couldn’t see over my shoulder. Shocker it was James again. This time asking for £2k, when I said I don’t have that kind of money he told me to get a loan. When I refused again he demanded I get the money of Mason. When I refused again, it started to get nasty.

Mason looked up from his controller at me, “I know”. I looked at Mason in confusion there is no way he can know. “You know what?” I ask. Mason replies “I went through your phone last night, I had to see what happened yesterday at my parents” trying to justify himself. 

“Are you fucking serious Mase, you went through my phone as l slept? Is that the kind of relationship we have now?” I can feel my anger boiling and now my rage being turned from James to Mason. 

“I am sorry but how are you letting him speak to you like that? He fucking broke you y/n and I was there to pick up the pieces. I am the one who cleared the debts and for what? Just for you to get yourself back into my debt helping him”

“I am not getting myself into more debt, I am only sending him the money I have!” Getting kind of pissed off with his tone. 

“Yeah only because you are living off me and relied on me to pay your debts!” I am outraged how fucking dare he!

“You promised me Mason you would never use that against me are you taking the piss right now?!?!”

Mason then stops his anger in his face is now starting to soften. “Time out” he goes. Using his hands to make a T. “This is exactly what he wants, why are we arguing when it’s him who is taking advantage of you? He is the one I am pissed off with not you, I know you can never turn away someone in need”. 

“I just don’t know how to sort it Mase?”, I can feel the tears starting to prick in my eyes due to the stress of it all. “If I stop sending him money he gets so angry and what happens if I do not send it and then something happens that’s on me! How could I live with myself?”. Mason gets up so he is now standing over me, “none of this is your fault, fucking none of it, he is using your kindness for weakness which is completely out of order”. I know he is right, he gets so protective, god mason is so good to me. What did I do to deserve him? 

My phone binged again and then Mason turns to me “Give me your phone” Mason gestures his hand out. I am worried about what he is going to do next. 

I put my phone into his hand and next thing I know he is typing away. A couple more bings went through showing me that James was replying to whatever Mason said. Mason is now pacing around the living room and I am surprised my phone screen hasn’t cracked by how hard he is slapping his thumps against it. They continue back and fourth like this for around 20 mins. 

Mason then passes me my phone back, I went straight onto the messages to see what was said. “I have deleted the chat”, I am a bit disappointed I wanted to see what Mason said coming to my defence. “What did you say?” I ask. Mason smiles at me showing me that he won the fight “that doesn’t matter princess all you need to know is that he should leave you alone now.” I feel a massive weight off my shoulders now I don’t know what didn’t tell Mason before. “Just promise me something if he tries to message you again please let me know. The things I said to him, if he still had the guts to try fair play to him”, which at this Mason gives his cocky smile. “Of course Mase I promise”.

Mason flops back onto the sofa and lifts his arm up to gesture for me to lie on his lap which I did. Mason sat there running his fingers through my hair. “I will never let anyone hurt you y/n. I am sorry for what I said, I didn’t mean to throw the money in your face. I would do it all over again if I need to if it ensured your safety and protection”. I give a little smile at that and crock my head up so I am now looking up at him. 

“I love you so much Mason”, he loves me dead in the eyes and gives a soft kiss to my lips. “Believe me it will never be as much as I love you y/n”. 

[maochira]

Hey mao! First time requesting but can you do this where itoshis , reo and kaiser finds out you’re the one who runs one of their most popular fan accounts with captions of you simping over them

I hope what I said was understandable cuz english is not my first language 😭😭have a nice day/night <3

I don't do requests for the Itoshis anymore, but I can do the other two! (this ask was sent shortly after I put that into my description, I assume you didn't see that shdjkfd but it's okay!)

Requests open! - masterlist

Tags: gn!reader, reader and Reo/Kaiser are best friends

Reo

-you give him your phone because there's a video you want to show him, but then an Instagram notification from your fan account pops up

-Reo has seen that account before, but always believed it to be some random person

-he just stares at you in disbelief for a few seconds, then he gets flustered and asks "That fan account is you???" over and over

-you're obviously embarrassed because you intended to keep this a secret, but now Reo knows about it

-he doesn't even know what to say because he's surprised to find out it's been you this entire time. He's seen the majority of your posts and read the captions on them as well

-after a few minutes, he's not that flustered anymore and he actually starts teasing you. A lot. And you should prepare yourself to be teased about this for the rest of your life

Kaiser

-he's sitting next to you, not really looking at your phone. But from the corner of his eye he can see you're opening instagram and you're still logged into your fan account instead of your regular account

-Kaiser immediately bursts out in laughter. It's not a mocking laughter, but rather a surprised one because he didn't expect this at all

-he already knew the fanpage and has read literally every single post on it, but never interacted with anything

-knowing it's been you this entire time gives him a HUGE ego boost which is super obvious. He starts saying stuff like "Who wouldn't make a fanpage for me?"

-he also encourages you to continue posting, but at this point you're way too embarrassed to even look at the account anymore

-luckily there's the second admin who will continue posting (and obviously, the second admin is Ness)

Taglist (sign-up link):  @astruosie @kaineedstherapy12 @zyuuuu @yerinsshi @luvcalico @remy-roll @truegoist @rienniey @acacIa @kermitslefteyeball11 @futuristicxie @bluelock4life @blueberrryui @takorirei @https-archangel @ririgards @kaiserkisser @userwithlotsoftime @nikokii @chaosinanutshell @peachesncats @0rah-s @isagikisser @thedaisy78 @kalinkavx @vanitasbrainrot @rrueyuo @weichspuelertrinker @yueyingwrld @yuehailin @keiidaydreams @takorirei @sagejin @depressed-bitchy-demon @quite-eerie @midnightymel @rzu

[pet-pet-peet]

Can i request ace, floyd, cater, and kalim with a shy introverted crush (who is like idia minus the otaku part) that avoids them at all costs becuz of their extroverted and high energy nature?

Idk how extroverts do it, but I have to like- take a break from my friends sometimes because they have such high energy- Not in, like, a mean way, just to refill my battery, you know?

I am trying to go through my drafts and post the ones I had done, this will not be inspired by canon!

Tw: some very slight hints of angst, but otherwise very fluffy

Pairing(s): Ace, Floyd, Cater, Kalim x gn reader who is a shy introvert (separate)

𝕬𝖈𝖊

You two were quite close since he was good at breaking you out of your shell

Your shyness never bothered him, he thought it was cute and just saw you as wholesome- granted, that didn't help any teasing that was thrown your way

He knew of his crush on you, but didn't let it affect his behavior since he didn't want to accidentally make you feel awkward or bad

He always had that joyful feeling around you, always looked forward to seeing you everyday

So it hit him hard when he noticed you were avoiding him

At first he would be bitter, telling himself that you didn't want to be his friend anymore, but he eventually started to be more sad about it

He would approach you about why you were avoiding him, wanting to get his thoughts off his chest

When you bashfully explained you were just shy because you were developing feelings for him

He laughs at you, making you shrink further into yourself until he wrapped an arm around your shoulder

He asks what took you so long, smile getting wider the more relaxed you became with his affection

𝕱𝖑𝖔𝖞𝖉

He's very affectionate already, but he's especially affectionate with you

He's always got an arm around you when he's with you, and he asks your opinion on everything

It can be a bit overwhelming for you, since you're a major introvert, but his intention is to make you feel seen

He feels annoyed when people overlook you, so he'll end up bringing you into discussions with him

This is probably why you started avoiding him, but he didn't take it very well at all

He was in a terrible mood, especially at work in the Lounge, refusing to take part in his responsibilities

Jade eventually found you and requested you spoke with him, since no one else has been able to help him out of his funk

You approach Floyd and ask him what was wrong, but he acts cold and flips the question back at you

He explains his frustrations until you shyly interject and let him know your true feelings, why you avoided him

He switches his mood quickly, squishing your cheeks and saying that you didn't have to worry him like that

𝕮𝖆𝖙𝖊𝖗

He's very blatantly a flirt, but when it comes to you he's more intense

Probably doesn't show much of his interest in you otherwise, he's very secretive about how he feels as a defense mechanism

It doesn't make him treat you much differently, he just swallows down how he feels so he doesn't get hurt

His flirting can get overwhelming, though- especially when he takes surprise pictures with you for Magicam

He doesn't approach you when he figures out that you're avoiding him, he feels it would've happened eventually

If he starts to notice your true emotions, however long it may take, it'll push him to start interacting with you again

He'll see his feelings as more valid and uses the opportunity to win you over more

He confesses to you by taking another sneaky pic and posting it on Magicam, putting you in the caption as his s/o

You'll have to confront him about it, but he's definitely messing with you as you question him in a flustered tone about your relationship

He likes talking about you on Magicam from then on, asking if you would do a lot of the couple's challenges or tags with him

𝕶𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖒

He's pursuing you like a loyal puppy and honestly is the most obvious with how he feels

He definitely tells you that he loves you all the time, smiling very wide when you fluster from his words

Very patient with you and your shyness and will definitely speak up for you if you need him to ("excuse me, they asked for no pickles" energy)

You'll try to avoid him, but it takes a while for him to get that and he'll approach you all the time anyway

When he does notice your attempts to avoid him, he gets a bit sad and wonders if he did anything wrong

Probably tries to make you something food-wise to apologize and will bring it to your dorm

He has such a sad but adorable pout as he holds out his dish to you, asking if you could forgive him-

When you tell him about needing time away to gather your feelings for him, his smile returns and he agrees to give you space

Very happy to accept any feelings you have for him, he'll ask if he can throw a party to celebrate your decision

Won't if you ask him not to and just settles with taking you with him on a magic carpet ride instead

[sleepitysleepyspees]

okay so. I'm playing Stray Gods: Orpheus for the first time since it released over a month ago. I'm going to just yell into the tumblr void. spoilers btw.

I went back in an old save and played through The Throne so I could have Orpheus be king of Hades because... achievement.

CERBERUS. CUTE LITTLE GUY. I WANT MORE OF HIM. PLEASE.

the Derryn thing still gets me.

not just Derryn. this whole song. imagine sitting with someone for a date and they compliment you by comparing you to Medusa.

HAHA Orpheus got so pissed when the one guy said Apollo was his favorite.

is it just me or is anyone else getting the feeling that Hermes likes Orpheus? just. the way Hermes looks at him. the way they say certain things. idk.

omg. Orpheus might be shit at modern communication. but he's got great threats.

he can't just leave. he's gotta sing a loud ass song in the middle of a public place announcing that he's done.

"I've never been in love, not ever." LIAR. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? HUH???

Orpheus doesn't want to ask the gods for another lover. that is exactly why he asked Hermes.

"I'm depressed because speed dating failed. WELP, TIME TO GET DRUNK!!"

"a seal phone"

should I flirt with Medusa? nah. I did that already. I'm going the route of hate everyone but Hermes despite the fact that I know he's not an option.

the way that Orpheus sees Medusa and is just like "oh, okay." ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT HER IS THAT SHE'S A MAN EATING MONSTER. THE FUCK.

LET'S KILL ATHENA!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Medusa's music is so... idk. it's uncomfortable in a good way. makes me uneasy.

"I go unnoticed here." not anymore. you are singing quite loud.

HERMES IS MORE SCARED OF MEDUSA THAN ORPHEUS. WHAT.

DON'T YOU DARE REJECT HIM, HERMES. they did it. :(

the captions revealing that a character named Daphne exists is crazy.

the little doodle profile picture is so cute. smoll.

the mic just. disappeared?

the mic is back.

Grace's voice was a jumpscare.

who's more of a stereotypical D&D bard? Orpheus or Grace?

who's at more of a crossroads? Orpheus or Grace? (seriously why is Grace just as lost as at the start of the original game???)

Orpheus would not be able to comprehend the concept of aro/ace

I always forget that Grace isn't a theatre kid. well, at least we don't have any evidence that she is.

Grace just suggested stalking a film star.

Grace is too creative for anyone's good.

this would actually be such a great scene for Hermes to say they like Orpheus.

HERMES IS PLAYING WITH CYRBERUS

THAT WAS AMAZING

anyway. this game is great. but like 10 hours straights makes you burnt out. glad I put the game down for a month. King Orpheus + find the muses is my favourite route I've done so far. the part in the one song with Grcae about the muses was so cool.

[agendabymooner]

satellite ! max v. x ofc (hearth sister!ofc)

“i’m here, right here. wishing i could be there for you.”

summary: when the news of the downfall of her racing journey broke out, max verstappen promised to never let her down like that ever again. (1)(2)(3)(4)(5)

content warning: confrontation and good crying sesh with max and ofc, panic attack, alludes to smut (not graphic), use of explicit language, angst, set in vs fashion show 2016

note: 300 FOLLOWERS?! you guys are insane and i love you all so much!!! thank you!!!

masterlist

[translation: i’m just putting my french fluency into use. thank you paris!]

tagged victoriassecret, steviemarlz

liked by danielricciardo, aimeeyh, max33verstappen

comments have been limited

charles_leclerc such a heartwarming caption from you ❤️

sylvieeford charles leclerc? hardly know her 🤐

landonorris my best friend ate 👏 liked by sylvieeford

sylvieeford thank u best friend

tillymarie ughhh you girls make me proud ❤️ liked by sylvieeford

sylvieeford i’m always eager to please 😍

danielricciardo when the mini boss can do anything >> liked by sylvieeford

sylvieeford call me barbie 😉

max33verstappen what a beaut 😁 liked by sylvieeford

sylvieeford don’t get too soft on me now, caddy 😂

Her standard was Max, and god, did that ever ruin her chance to have a rebound. Whenever she got the chance to go on dates, she seemed to cower from the thought. As if she was worried about not getting along with the said dates.

Speaking of anxiety.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was on the go, and to say that it was nerve wracking would be quite a shame. You would think that she would be alright with walking down the runway now— but to know that some of her peers were here to support her, three days after the last race? Yeah, she might as well shit on her pants. 

She had everyone else to be nervous about; Lady Gaga was there for fucks sake. She was in the same room as Adriana Lima and Elsa Hosk. Hell, even Abel would be performing during her segment— why was she nervous about seeing her driver friends while she walked down the runway? 

She supposed that no one had seen her pose in her underwear before. That, and that they all grew up with her— it was weird to see your childhood friend all grown up, dressed in lingerie and nothing else. 

Not that Max Verstappen hadn’t seen that months ago. 

Fuck, Max was going to be there! 

She knew she was nervous. She just didn’t realize that it was because of him. Why would she be nervous? After all, working together had a major effect on their relationship. And… sleeping together once. 

Because he didn’t bring it up anymore after their conversation that day. He was friendly with her, but not once did he mention that he wanted to do it again. She wasn’t sure if it was because of their workplace relationship or their general friendship, but she was sure as hell that it hurt. Not that she would ever tell him that. Not especially after she found a woman clinging to him at their next race’s afterparty. 

So it did hurt. But as a prideful daughter of a miserable mother, she kept a straight face and smiled at everyone. 

After seeing him that night, she kept their relationship as civil as it could be— only listening to him “Maxplain” everything he could speak about, and offering him advice whenever he needed it. She failed to mention a lot of things in her life— like how Abel was performing tonight. Max only found out through their friends hours prior to the event and while it pissed him off to no end, he couldn’t afford to upset Sylvie on her special day. This was her day after all. She was debuting as a VS model. 

Tilly and Aimee had managed to see Sylvie and Stevie before the show as they prepared. They had mostly spoken about how they were able to get to the location easily and how Soren fussed when Tilly left him at Toto’s watch. 

“The boys are there,” Aimee pointed her head towards the direction of the audience, “I told them not to be foolish this time around.”

“Did you tell them to behave and not bark?” Stevie giggled, making Sylvie cackle. Sylvie’s makeup artist shot her a warning to not ruin her makeup by crying in laughter. 

“They know not to,” Tilly rolled her eyes, “those men have PR managers to answer to otherwise.” 

“I think George and Alex were only there chilling,” Aimee said, “I didn’t think someone could have anxiety even if they’re just an audience— not until I saw Max.” 

“Max? Why?” Now that piqued Sylvie’s curiosity.

Tilly answered, “I dunno. It must’ve been the adrenaline from Abu Dhabi, if you were to ask me. He’ll be fine once the show starts.” 

The beating of her heart slowed down when her segment started, only focusing on the front and had only given Abel a look of indifference before making her way through the middle, posing with her head tilting slightly to the right. Walking back, she glanced on her right and watched Max’s eyes stare at hers. 

She kept her head in his direction for a moment, not even realizing that she walked past Abel as her ears muted his song and voice, only paying attention to Max before looking back in front of her and walking off. 

Max knew that she had seen him with his not-really-girlfriend in each race, and it was extremely stupid of him. Rebounds shouldn’t be a thing at all, he told himself. He knew how he felt about her, yet after spending some time with her in a bedroom, he seemed to chicken out and not tell her about the love he had for her.

He always wondered how she went from insulting him jokingly to having a civil conversation and agreeing to everything he said. It was wrong. Why didn’t she say something about it? They agreed not to lie to each other, did they not? 

He seemed to feel like a hypocrite just saying that. But he was more than willing to admit that she was just as beautiful as she was before. He only started to feel different when they shared an intimate moment with each other, one that he’d like to relive for as long as he could breathe.

But they weren’t even aware that admitting would have to take time. After all, there were more problems to solve. 

Partying had never been a priority for her, if you were to ask, but Kendall insisted that Sylvie come along before the younger girl could even dive headfirst into her work throughout their break. The third Hearth daughter only nodded and dressed up as nicely as she could, only deciding that she would only drink one glass of daiquiri. What she didn’t know, however, was that Kendall had invited her guy friends to join them at the party. She had never felt so annoyed— why wouldn’t Kendall tell her in the first place that she’d invite them? Not that she wasn’t enthralled at the thought. Some warning would have sufficed. 

But it wasn’t their presence that made her want to go home. 

Everyone was too busy dancing to even sit in their booth, leaving Sylvie behind while she scrolled through her Twitter. She liked the peaceful atmosphere that the club could offer in a booth. And her blocking Abel was definitely something. 

Her eyes found a tweet that left her blood running cold. No.

“Sylvie’s Failed F1 Career: Explained”

From top to bottom, the story of her discontinued journey in Formula One was splayed out in a gossip website— a rather accredited one, while you’re at it. People would normally say not to believe what you see on the internet, but the truth was published and spread in the Formula One community and show business. 

Nobody knew what had happened before. Not until now. Whoever the fuck were these anonymous sources, they were nothing but assholes. Everything in the article was detailed from head to toe. Some stuff that people didn’t know were put up for everyone to see and shame her with.

Then panic started to spread across her body, her feet stumbling up as she marched down towards the dance floor, her hand gripping on Max’s shirt as she dragged him to a seedy area of the club no one had ever stepped foot on. 

“Mustang, what—“

“Cut the bullshit, Max,” she spewed out venomously before she shoved her phone in his hand. “Did you do this?” 

His eyes peered down on the article on screen as they widened. He looked up to see her teary eyes appearing once more. 

“No,” he answered honestly, but she wasn’t having it.

“You knew what happened, you’re the one who reported me, Max,” she cried out, her body shaking in anger and panic as she continued, “you saw that. You told the officials—“

“But that doesn’t mean I would fuck your career over!” Max exclaimed in frustration. “I told you that if you had somehow given me a heads up that they were kicking you out, I would have gone back and made them review it. Me not being there when you were being questioned was the biggest mistake I’ve made, because I know you. You’re honest. I would’ve known. I would’ve admitted that I was wrong if I heard you speak for yourself.”

“Then why do this? If you respect me then why do this now?”

“Sylvie, schatje,” he took a deep breath before looking at her again, “I would not— for the life of me— treat you like that. God, I would never forgive myself if I did. So I swear that isn’t me.” 

He didn’t even realize how bad their situation was until she started crying and crumbling in his arms, the music still tampering with the hysterical sound of her sobs. He tried to comfort her right there, but the loudness of the club only messed with both of their emotions and anxiety as he picked up their stuff and hailed for a cab. 

It didn’t take him long to find his room as she continued to cry in his arms. She spoke about her worries about her career as she sobbed, not wanting to lose her job in Red Bull and as a model because of this disaster they both called a lie. How was she going to explain all of this to her family? She asked herself as she sniffled, wiping her tears away. She hadn’t even realized that Max was crying too. 

All of this happened because he believed his friends who couldn’t give anymore shit about him. All of this happened to her because of him. All he could do now was apologize with tears. 

“I- I- I’ll do my best to fix this,” Max stammered, wiping his tears away to hide it away from her as she looked up. “Let me please help you fix this. This was my doing and I- I can’t hurt you like this, Sylv. I can’t afford to have you lose your career because of me. Just… please, forgive me and let me help.” 

“Please, Max,” she whispered. “I can’t be silenced anymore, Max. I- I need someone to speak for me.” 

“We’ll be speaking for you,” Max promised, leaning his forehead against hers. “I’ll… I don’t care if it ruins my own career, I just know yours cannot be ruined because of me. I’ll be here for you, schatje. Just have me.”

[primofate]

Hey Primo! This is only my opinion so please don't take it to heart. I remember reading your post about how bad the interaction (at the time) was with one of your posts. I felt a bit odd about it considering it was only 1 day apart and notes etc normally pick up over the span of a few days/weeks. I think that when writers reach to a point where they crave to hear what others think of their work, is when writing no longer becomes a fun pastime if that is what it originally intended to be. There was also someone that made a comment stating that alot of writers can't take criticism though they ask for it which is completely true. It's a constant back n' forth where at the end of the day we'll never truly be able to satisfy everyone. You'll just drive yourself mad (case in point, you're someone that normally gets thousands of notes but this time merely 1 day of little interaction seemed to have gotten to you which is extremely unhealthy.)

You're an amazing writer and overall genuine person. Don't let things like this eat away at you.

I quote from your post

You'll just drive yourself mad (case in point, you're someone that normally gets thousands of notes but this time merely 1 day of little interaction seemed to have gotten to you which is extremely unhealthy.)

Which is extremely true and it is very unhealthy that I expected so much out of that post when in truth I should know that not all of my posts is going to have thousands of notes. Some will reach further some will not, and that's something I should understand and accept.

Though I do agree with you that posts pick up over a couple of days... sometimes, for me who has a few thousand followers, if it doesn't pick up the first few hours and doesn't get reblogged the first few hours, it actually won't pick up anymore. At the moment it has 2,000 or so notes, unless someone revives it, it will actually remain stagnant and will even have difficulty climbing to 3,000. (This is the reason why you see some authors reblog their own post and caption it "in case you missed it #icymi "because it actually won't move anymore if they don't do that)

But here's the thing, the notes is not what really got to me. Yes that was part of it, but what really bugged me is that I spent so much time on that one post and I realized that I shouldn't have. Realizing that my TIME is now more precious than it was a year ago. Which ties in to what you said about it being unhealthy. Tumblr is not something I should spend my time on, to be quite frank. I love doing this, but I hate so much that I forgo something when I do it (e.g. Time with my family).

Thus my 10 minute quick writes was born, after realizing this fact. In that way I don't spend so much time in front of the computer, mulling over my writing, re-reading it, wondering how I can make the words flow better. Wondering how to make the words and story clearer in my mind and everyone else's. With the 10 minute quick writes, I don't really give a freak who read it, who interacts with it, who likes it...because it only took 10 minutes of my life (I actually put a 10 minute timer on whenever I feel like writing now) and some day when I have more time, then maybe I can write something longer but honestly, right now, I would rather not.

Thank you so much for your message! It has cemented me back to Earth, cause even with my 10 minute quick write I had felt guilty that I only wrote such a short thing...but reading your message has told me there's nothing to feel guilty about, specially when I MYSELF am already happy with doing 10 minutes of writing, regardless of what tumblr thinks.

<3

With love,

primofate

[priscirat]

if its okay to ask can i have your long thoughts on your last art because i am oh so interested

oh absolutely

(keep in mind that i am discussing early story yukilisa which would be the same state as our current mygo line)

first of all on an individual level. soyo/lisa and sakiko/yukina have common themes/motivation.

soyo/lisa paralleles : seen as "motherly" (and in both cases its a behavior they both show when they Aren't Feeling Normal), scared to be left behind, needs to feel needed by other ppl to feel self worth, attachment to the past, dont want to overstep and is seen as the mediator

then visually. both having brown hair. if lisa didnt tie her hair it would Extremely ressemble soyos hair and vice versa. both key colors being warm colors (lisa/red and soyo/yellow)

sakiko/yukina paralleles : motivated by the downfall of father, willing to use others to gain back something that was lost, don't want any emotional attachment and yet are Extremely emotionally attached and motivated, musical genius in their own way

and once again visually. both got yellow eyes. if sakiko let down her hair she would look like yukina and someone actually DREW THAT, both having cold key colors (yukina/purple and sakiko/blue)

then when it comes to the relationship aspect. i often talk about how yukilisa managed to get thru their bad years because neither of them actually wanted to let go of the other. i often visualize it as threads to be cut. which neither yukina or lisa did. whereas for sakiko and soyo. sakiko was the one taking that step.

sakiko genuinely do not want soyo around anymore because she doesnt want her to get involved in her eventual mess and draws a big line to not cross for soyo. something that yukina never had the heart to do. she mentions how her caring for lisa feels like an obstacle to her goals. which is the same for sakiko who actually acted on it. it also makes you wonder. would lisa have stuck like soyo if yukina Did draw that line. to me the answer is yes because she feels a duty to have yukina smile again. and would have pushed for it the same way soyo is.

in a heartbreaking way, to me, sakiko wishes that soyo would want the same especially after treating her so coldly. which circles back to yukina Also wondering why lisa sticks to her when she doesnt act all that friendly to her when lisa keeps reaching out to her.

in the same way that. in episode 4. when sakiko learns that soyo got into another band. you can see that she is Actually affected by it, no matter how much distance she tries to put with the past. which then makes you wonder. how yukina would have reacted if lisa did get into another band. and we factually Know that she is convinced that lisa would have always ended up in roselia. so even back then she would have also been greatly affected if lisa did join another band.

it goes on and on and i am still seeing and connecting new points almost everyday. a lot of those parallels also falls on. what if yukina and/or lisa Acted that way. and somehow i feel like it does fall quite in line with their early character. which is why i also thought of captioning my art as something along the line of "you, that i could have been" to capture how much it is a matter of what if.

conlusion also its So Funnyyy : first yukina/lisa scene (episode of roselia 1)

first sakiko/soyo meeting after disbanding (mygo ep4)

[skeleboys-askblog]

✧Here’s some of mod Scorpii’s headcanons for Calibri while I work on his designs.✧

(Also!! Me and Bee’s headcanons might not always line up with each other’s so we’ll be labeling them and tagging them with either #Scorpii’s headcanons🦂 or #Bee’s headcanons🐝 respectively!!! Ty :-)!!!)

✧I think Calibri would be a total deadhead!! He’s really into psychedelic rock and has a Grateful Dead hoodie he wears everywhere.

✧He definitely flunked high school really bad. He’d show up to class absolutely zooted at 7 A.M. and just coast through the day on nothing but vibes and the edible in his pocket. Papyrus made him at least get his GED afterwards.

✧He totally models his guitar playing after Jimi Hendrix, and Napstaton samples his riffs for his music.

✧That being said!! Calibri definitely has access to Napstaton’s official social media and posts the worst things imaginable on his professional account. It’s always like low res images of Goku with captions like “shidded” and then nothing else.

✧Calibri is the chill homie harboring an unfathomable amount of sadness.

✧Like, his inferiority complex has only gotten worse with age (He’d be about 19-21 in our future au) To be honest, he’s a total basket case that really wants to change, but is too scared to put in the effort.

✧He brings a “we should all quit” vibe to the work place that managers don’t really like.

✧Expanding on that; he’s been fired from pretty much every single job he’s had until Napstaton gave him a job at his record store/radio station.

✧He previously worked at a movie theater and helped kids sneak in to shows through the back, but eventually got caught.

✧Calibri can give you solid music recommendations based on your vibes alone and he’s got a 99% success rate.

✧He asked Trajan to be his trip sitter one time, but as soon as the shrooms hit he got terrified of Trajan’s four eyes and locked himself in the laundry room.

✧He and Hapstablook love to cook together!! He also cooks with Sans too, but it can get to be a really exhausting couple of hours trying to wrangle him into actually cooking the taco meat. So Calibri really values his time with Hapstablook cause it’s usually just a very sweet and calming experience.

✧The bandana in my new design for him is from his uncle Sans 🫶 he has like, a million and wanted Calibri to match with him.

✧He’d rather die than cut his hair.

✧Calibri’s style now leans more into a hippie-punk kinda look, mainly cause he aligns himself with most of the ideals of both subcultures.

Here’s my sketch of his new design so far!! I’ll have a more confident piece for him, this is just a lazy slap-together.

He’s got on that stupid Grateful Dead hoodie and a battle vest full of patches of all his favorite artists.

Never ditched the chucks! He still rocks with his converse- and his fingerless gloves.

He doesn’t tie his hair up as often anymore, but he does dress it up with that bandana that I mentioned!

His tank top underneath has a Misfits logo on it 💪

And that’s a crazy ass monster boof from the Hot-Lands so who knows what’s actually in it.

-Scorpii

[orphicpoieses]

The orphic blog

Hey and welcome to another episode of the orphic blog, where I ramble about anything and everything that's on my mind. If you like what you see, consider subscribing to my tag list because I cannot tell you when the next post will happen. 🙂

As many of you may have noticed: my native language is not English. It is German.

And maybe you have noticed that I have an Instagram-Account, where I post stuff irregularly.

Yes, I know, most people on Tumblr don't care for Instagram (legit), but I do, especially with my current Account. And since Instagram isn't much of a text-based platform, I will post my blog about this here, simply hoping people will read and understand.

For a little background:

I started Instagram on a regular basis in March 2018, where I joined the German Bookstagram Community. Blogging about books was always a hobby of mine, but I never wanted to be a professional blogger for publishers. I never wanted to have the pressure of having a deadline reading a book and writing an article. Reading was just an hobby and I don't want to make it a job.

But as it is with any niche within any social media app: People are very passionate about creating fancy stuff. In Germany we have a saying: "Höher, schneller, weiter." Higher, faster, farer.

See, I don't have that neat white rug or that perfect floor or bed, to take fancy photographs of these perfectly created bookish scenes. My lighting is bad and my photos don't look very professional. The effort I put into creating photos like this

it never really found an audience and I quit Instagram for a very long time. I simply hadn't the energy to create stunning photos every weekend, where I had to take all I wanted to photograph either outside or in another room, just that the lighting was decent.

After a while, around Summer 2021, I wanted to start a new Account, where the focus was on me and my person, rather than books and the perfect light. I started posting in English (because I wanted to international), talking about self-care, my life and writing. But soon enough, things got difficult again:

I felt like I am only copying the style from other people, Influencers I look up to. Like trying to be a person I am not.

And again, my account got quiet, just posting the photos I really thought about, mostly without a caption, because I don't know what to say.

Since the start of my new semester at Uni, I've met many people with social media accounts, running either full Instagram or even a YouTube Channel. Posting Insta-Stories isn't anything unusual anymore, since everyone does that. I feel like it is accepted that you host an account somewhere on the internet (maybe that's just the Computer Science department's mentality).

Now, that I am back at a community where shooting videos and creating content is more "normal", I kinda feel the urge to create again. But not only am I kinda lost in this space, I also don’t know which language I should use. I read and write in German, my native language. But I feel more comfortable talking in English. So, for video content, I would say English is my go to, but maybe creating stuff again in German will attract the right people since my work is down in German…? What are your opinions on that? (desperate for your advice here! Not kidding!)

But, as already mentioned: I still don't have the best base to create photos at home and I am not that outgoing that I could take photos every weekend on some trip somewhere (even though I would love to do so!).

I already figured that creating a story is sometimes easier than creating a post, but still I don't know what to talk about on a regular basis. Like, my life isn't that interesting? I don't live in a fancy town. I don't go partying all weekend. I don't have friends to do funny stuff with.

I am just a normal girl, living a boring life in a town, where nothing happens. I write fantasy stories and work for uni all day. There isn't much to say about me. I am not interesting.

But maybe that's exactly what's interesting, I don't know.

Maybe, I just start and trust the process.

Done is better than perfect.

I always tell other people to just start and it'll work out in the end, but I never trust myself and the challenges that I have to face. I doubt myself, especially in the creative, outgoing part. I am great at doing stuff privately, but I cannot stay open and out-and-about with stuff. I tend to back away from yelling into the world, that I am here.

I reach for the stars, while pushing the sky further away.

Having an aesthetic eye is nice, but it can drag you down in stuff like that. Wishing for the perfect photo will not help me create a post. Wanting to photograph something does and sometimes, if you look closely enough, you will realise that even the 3.5 million subscriber accounts once started with crooked photos and wanky cameras.

I need to remind myself of that. And posting that one reel that is in my opinion absolutely horrible was one step in that direction.

We live in a world, where one cannot speak freely without having to be afraid of people getting wildly mad at them because they like something, they don't like or say something they don't like.

We live in a world, where the intelligent have to dumb themselves down, so that the dumb won't feel harassed.

And as someone, who is a people pleaser, I am deadly afraid of creating a mob out there, may it be on Instagram or Tumblr, because my world view might be a little different.

In the end, I don't know if I every gain many followers, many people who want to listen to my words. Normally, people don't do. And that's okay, even if it is a little discouraging for me to see people visit my blogs, have a look and then vanish again, never to be seen again.

I want to talk about what fuels me: writing, computer science, communities, coziness and slow living.

But I don't know how.

I don't know how on neither Instagram, nor Tumblr.

And that's also why I am on a semi-hiatus at the moment. Because I feel lost in this community, where I want to participate, want to create, but feel like in a glass box, able to look outside, but no one can come in.

If you have come this far, please leave a message in the comments or reblog this and let me know what you think about the bubble every person on the internet sits in.

What are your go to methods to drag you out of a slump on any social media app? When you don't know what to create? Even though you have a full list of ideas?

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2003 Now for what may very well be my last entry of the year – aside from the fact that I’m still inhaler-free, there was a service truck of some kind in front, but I doubt anyone will move in too soon after the new year, assuming the first house hasn’t sold yet and the second one’s not even ready to go up for sale. I don’t care so much anymore because I know we’re out of here within a year from now. Right now my moving vibes have settled on the month of June and we’ll remain in Arizona, but again, I don’t trust these vibes. They keep fluctuating too much.

Every few months I try to clean the house really thoroughly. This time around it’s going much faster what with so much of the knickknacks packed away.

Now here’s something that’s as hopeful as it is frustrating. Of the 5 numbers I picked for the Fantasy 5 drawing, one was right on and 3 others were just one digit off! I was just a digit away from $500 which is what you get if you get 4 of the 5 numbers!

Tom and I were talking about the fact that I might’ve been taking the wrong approach to winning on non-scratch tickets. See, on scratch tickets, the numbers already exist, but they don’t exist on the others till they’re drawn. This means that I have to try to influence the numbers that get drawn to be the ones on the ticket. So I’ll be concentrating really hard on tonight’s Powerball and The Pick, which will be drawn at 7 and 9 PM. I have to go into a sort of trance.

I should make a list of abilities I’d like to try to accomplish from high priority to low, like winning money, killing every other hair follicle on my head, fixing it so I never have to shave again, making myself need just 8 hours of sleep instead of 9 or 10. I wouldn’t try to make money magically appear in our account, though, because all transactions have to come from somewhere and it may look suspicious. As it is, I’m wondering when the Slingo people are going to realize they’ve paid out more money than what their set of printed winning tickets is supposed to pay out altogether.

Just like today. Tom went to Circle K for our New Year’s treats (my last treats before jumping back on the diet). He realized he had forgotten some stuff when he was halfway back, so he pulled over knowing that the Slingo ticket he bought would probably be a winner, found that it was a $3 winner indeed, then used it to pay for what he returned to get!

Right now it appears they’re putting the septic in for the second house. If we get fucked over on the next move the way we did with the move to this place with contractors and other workers fucking up and cutting corners, I swear I’ll make sure whoever’s responsible compensates us!

Later…

That wasn’t a septic tank after all. I took the binoculars and saw the word Rinker written on the tank when I realized it was too small to be a septic tank. Plus, the thing was turning like it was a cement truck. So I looked them up online and found a picture of the exact same truck and it is a cement company. I guess they’re pouring either carports or patios.

Starting next year I may start doing two years’ worth of journals per file. Especially since I seem to be able to store two years per floppy if I compress them.

How wonderful it’ll feel throwing out my homemade 2003 calendars, the last of the many years with the freeloaders in it!!!

I think the next coming year will bring us lots of changes, but that’s okay, for none of them can be nearly as bad as some of the changes I’ve been forced to endure in the 38 years I’ve been alive!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2003 Got 4 OB sample tampons in the mail today. They glide in and out easier, but I prefer applicators, and these don’t have them.

I also got drafts from Mary and a letter. She didn’t say much. Just that she continues to be dominated by other inmates, whatever that means, but is otherwise okay. At one point in the draft, when she and Justin were in Fort Myers and quite wanted, a newscaster doing a caption on “young lovers” interviewed them and asked what their secret sexual fantasy was. Mary said hers was to make love on the beach. I’d have loved to have seen the reaction on the newswoman’s face had I come out and told her I’d love to get it on with the Kate Jackson of the 70s! Along with the Linda Ronstadt of around 1980 and the Gloria Estefan of 1990.

Tom got me a lobster from Walmart which now steams live lobsters. While $12 is certainly better than the $30 Red Lobster would charge, it was still a bit much for a few measly bites. It was close to the same size Red Lobster would serve, but with no stuffing or anything like that to go with it, there wasn’t much to it.

This morning I awoke from a very vivid dream of winning $47,000 on what I think was a scratch ticket of some kind. Why such an odd number, I don’t know, but I had Tom get a Fantasy 5 ticket anyway. I mean, I can’t imagine the dream meant anything, though it sure made me wonder. I’ve been having vibes, as I get better and better at psyching tickets, that we are going to someday, some way, win a large sum of money.

He pointed something really neat out about the Slingo tickets. The odds are supposed to be 1 in 4 with those tickets, yet of the 11 tickets he got, 6 of them won! So, as long as I can rig more than half of them to pay out something, we’re going to keep getting tickets whenever we can afford to.

The incense people say they expect to ship my order on Friday and will email me to verify it. I should get it next Monday or Tuesday.

The best news of all is that finally, after wanting her for so long, Haiku’s been ordered! I spoke with Ricki and told her how I wanted her made up. When I asked if she had a standing-legs option, she said she didn’t know, but asked if I wanted her to go ahead and pour them if she could find other standing legs of proper proportion. I told her she could, but not to worry if she had to have bent legs. For no extra charge, she’s even going to make nostrils and earring holes. She’ll email me with the UPS tracking number when she’s on her way and says that although she usually gives herself a 6- to 8-week leeway, she should probably finish sooner since things are slowing down, as I figured. In fact, she said she’d begin working on her today! I think I’ll have her the first week of February or sooner.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2003 The “package” turned out to be nothing but an oversized Dove shampoo/conditioner sample.

The foul odor still makes itself present from time to time and Tom still can’t smell it. I’m almost certain it’s the evil entity that inhabits this land, and with me being the psychic one, I’m the only one sensitive to it.

It was incredibly cold last night at just 12°! It’s up to 50° now.

Tom and I were discussing various ideas for our website to get people to return often enough and to want to make donations. One outrageous idea he came up with was to write journal excerpts the rats, dolls or outside animals are supposedly keeping. When I told him that sounded silly, he said that we have to come up with something unique if we want to attract people. Pictures alone won’t cut it as there are too many other sites with pictures. We even discussed putting Nocturnal Obsession out bit by bit and making a few changes within the story as a way of getting my writing noticed, but I still say that no one’s going to be interested in lesbian suspense stories. They mostly want romance or comedy with very straight characters. But I am what I am and I’m not going to change that to conform to society’s desires.

Eventually, we’ll add the psychic touch where I give readings to those who submit their birthdays and just general information. Only unlike most quacks out there, I’ll be the real thing!

Just like I wondered if Tom got fired because my letter to Teddy Bear may’ve gotten her fired, I’ll be wondering something else if we lose the house. I’ll be wondering if perhaps maybe our city letter did cause the black bitch to lose her house and that’s why we lost ours. Even if they brought on their own problems and it was their fault that they might’ve gotten fired/evicted, it still wouldn’t be acceptable in God’s eyes. To God, it’d be just like I got them in trouble for no good reason whatsoever. It’s never okay for me to affect other people’s lives that way, so God would “retaliate,” so to speak and make sure that what went around came around if these things did happen. I’ll never know for sure, but I still doubt Teddy Bear got fired. I also doubt the black bitch lost the house like she claimed. First of all, they went out too peacefully for that to have been the case. Secondly, I think the state simply got fed up with supporting her and said enough is enough. We’ve taken care of you for 3 years, and now you’re on your own. When you have kids, they’re supposed to be your responsibility and not the state’s or that of others. This is why it really bothers me to see people having kids when they know damn well they can’t even afford them. Kids are ferociously expensive and if you don’t take home at least $30,000 a year, you’re going to struggle like hell.

Later…

It’s 60° warmer than it was when Tom got up.

Since the palm wasn’t going to make a comeback of any real kind, I dumped it but kept the dirt and pot.

My abilities continue to astound even me. Tom got his final tickets – 2 crosswords and 2 Slingos. One of the crosswords won $5. Then, as he started doing one of the Slingos, I told him I felt strongly that the other Slingo would win and it did! It won $10, so altogether he made a $45 profit on account of my spells. Not many people can turn $33 of tickets into $45!

Not many people can have bad asthma all their lives and just up and walk away from inhalers after being on them for about 30 years either. I concentrated so hard last night on my lungs that sweat was pouring from me, but today I’ve had less tightness and virtually no congestion! Tom thinks I had the power to do this all along but just didn’t know it. I guess most people wouldn’t think to try to cure themselves with their minds. I doubt most people could do it, but there are probably enough people out there who don’t realize they can.

Tom’s ear, just when we thought he was going to have a nasty relapse, is much better now. It was blocked for the longest time, then it was draining like crazy and now it’s staying open.

I was pissed to find that one of the books I ordered is one I’ve already got, so I listed it with Amazon. This one will bring me $6.02 if it sells.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2003 It got down into the 20s last night. At 11:30 it was already down to 38°. When Tom got up it was 28° and the sun had already risen.

I haven’t seen any other prairie dogs since I spotted the one at the side of the house.

I gave Tom my extra $33 that was leftover between my birthday and Christmas money for him to do what he wanted and he decided to get 11 Slingo tickets which are $3 each, though not all at once. He’s already won $34 and still has 3 more tickets to get.

Now here’s my most shocking news, yet it’s good news. I haven’t had to use my inhaler since last night when I wrote about how I was sick of them making me congested and that I’d prefer tightness over that! I woke up tight an hour before I got up (it was like old times with the shooting, so I heard), but have been fine ever since. I had a tiny bit of congestion after I got up and that’s been it so far aside from occasional waves of tightness. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but if I can heal or at least control my asthma inhaler-free, that’d be so wonderful! I’ve spent so much time healing others or making others sick that I haven’t really concentrated on myself. It seems I could’ve very well been sitting on a treasure chest of powers all these years and never known it. I just never thought of it or the possibility that I could heal or curse people. It would mean so much to me if I could have some control over my health. After being stripped of my birthright to bear children by God (even if he made the right and the best decision to do so), to finally have some say concerning my own body means a lot to me. A real lot.

It makes me wonder other things like, could I heal myself if I had cancer, not that I’d ever want to have to find out? Could I prevent pregnancy if Tom and I were more than friends and he’d get off more than once in a blue moon? Then again, I suppose that one wouldn’t count. Meaning, if something isn’t in your cards anyway, it doesn’t matter what you can or can’t do, or what you want or try to do. I still believe Tom could get off in me a dozen times a day and nothing would happen, though I also wouldn’t be that foolish to let him do so what with not wanting a kid and us being broke every other half hour.

I’m going to take Tom’s advice and not spread myself too thin. Meaning, I’m not going to try to make any physical changes for the better between him and me unless they’re necessary. This means that I’m not going to try to influence my weight when I return to my diet on the 1st. It’s not necessary to lose weight, but it is necessary to breathe, so I’ll focus on things like that. I get waves of tightness here and there, but am fighting them by doing the ballooning technique and trying to make myself yawn which always opens things up. Yawning is caused more by a need for extra oxygen than tiredness, though most people don’t realize this. I’m basically doing the things I did in jail during the times when the welfare bums said I couldn’t have an inhaler.

I can’t help but wonder – where did all these powers come from and why was I chosen to have them? Tom and I had to laugh when I told him that if he could run into the old folks and tell them all of all the abilities I’ve developed since I saw them last, they’d think he’d gone completely insane.

I don’t think, for instance, that I’d put a “miscarriage spell” on a pregnant teenage crackhead if I could because I don’t think God put me here to correct or undo other people’s mistakes. It wouldn’t be my mistake to make. It’d be the kid’s mistake to make.

As I said, the 1st is when I start back up with the diet. Now that I know how to keep regular, my only two challenges will be keeping my mouth shut to the extra calories, and not succumbing to the boredom that an hour of trudging away on the treadmill brings. I’m going to settle for losing just 10 pounds. At 38 years of age, I can’t expect to ever have my 25-year-old body back again anyway.

I read that they’ll remove my book listing if it doesn’t sell in 60 days, and I’m sure it won’t. No one ever wants to buy anything from me except pipes! Tom doesn’t think it’ll sell because it’s a common book. He wants to list some rare books he has and see if those will sell.

If there were two curses I’d lift from us if I could, it’d be the money and breakage curse for sure. I wouldn’t even bother with our lack of desire for sex. That’s just not as important to me. I’d rather not struggle and not be horny for Tom than be struggling and wanting to get it on with someone who doesn’t want to get it on with me. I hated that; how I always wanted sex in the beginning and he never did.

Later…

It’s not even 7:30 yet it’s already 37°! It just may be in the teens come 6 AM.

As always, I have my incense going. My favorites seem to fluctuate. My top two favorites were fruit and honey, but now I’d say it’s chocolate and angel.

Haven’t heard that loud truck the renters had since the trailer disappeared so maybe someone really was living in it.

This is the longest we’ve gone without seeing spiders in here. How much of it is me remains to be seen. Once the weather warms back up, we’ll find out. I miss summer already, but I don’t miss the huge electric bills or working out when it’s really hot. The fans help, but I hate to crank up the AC and cost us a fortune when I’m working out, so I just sweat my ass off. We try to keep it in the low 80s during the hot months.

I love my Little Fella, but never have I had a problem with a rat pissing like this before. He doesn’t just piss when he’s out of the cage, but every time I go to pick him up, he’s wet. Tom suggested that maybe he has a form of incontinence, but where is all this piss coming from? I mean, I just don’t see how this rat can have that much piss in him to begin with no matter how huge he is!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2003 I guess that because there are only a few days left in the year and I haven’t heard from the picture contest people that Little Buddy didn’t win anything. That is unless it’s now that they’re making their final decisions and aren’t planning to notify the winners till after the new year. If it was a choice between winning nothing or a medal, I’d rather just not win anything. I can’t do anything with a medal like I could with money, and I don’t need an object to tell me what a good picture it is as I already know that.

Later…

We had quite a time shopping for books online earlier. I wanted to go through Ade Books which was linked with Memolink, but all their used books come from stores all over the country, making shipping a bit costly. Shipping on books is bad as it is as they aren’t exactly feather-light.

So I ended up getting 20 used books at Pyramid Books. Most of the books cost just pennies, but the shipping was $22. It’s pretty comparable to walking into a store and buying books for 1-4 bucks and cutting out the shipping costs. Anyway, they’ll be here between 5-21 days.

Then I browsed Amazon’s books and found you could list books to sell for free, so I listed a book I finished a few weeks ago for a recommended price of $3.84, based on its condition. It’ll be something like $2.26 to ship it by the standard shipping method, so they say (we’ll wrap it in brown paper), then once they take their commission, I should have almost $5 to cover the shipping cost and my share of the sale money.

When Tom went to the PO today, he found we had a package waiting for us, but with it being a Saturday, of course, we couldn’t get it. I’m thinking it’s the Cosmetique makeup intro offer I signed up for under a bogus name.

I decided this is it – enough with the inhaler congestion. It’s time I try to learn to live without the inhalers. Seriously, with the way I get congested at times, I’d rather be tight than congested.

The leak curse was at it again today when I noticed wetness under the dishwasher. I wondered if it was the source of the foul odor I still smell at times, but it doesn’t seem to be. Whatever it is, though, is leaking slowly enough to not have to be concerned with and hopefully it’ll stay that way.

Speaking of books again, he finished Nocturnal Obsession earlier and says it’s my best one yet. I was surprised too, as I didn’t think he’d like this one that much. Maybe he likes it best because there’s hardly any sex in it and he doesn’t like sex himself.

Next, he can read the story that goes nowhere. I probably won’t mail a copy of that one to Mary till I’ve sampled the rest of the incense and can afford to send Paula her package. That way Tom can shoot two birds with one stone. Even though it’d be nice if Paula would send the lousy $10 I know she’ll never send me, I also know she’ll be delighted to receive the stuff and appreciate it greatly. As Tom pointed out, we do go back to 18 and 19 years of age, so in another year I’ll have known her for 20 years. It’s nice, I must admit, to send these things to her every so often. Especially when I know she could never afford most of the things I’ve sent her.

When Walter was here, we got to talking about selling things and it turns out that his wife also tried to sell dolls on eBay and had no luck, so I guess it wasn’t a mistake to send them to Paula even if they sit in the closet most of the time. Besides, if they didn’t sit in her closet, they’d just sit in ours.

It’s super cold out! It’s not even 9:00 yet it’s already down to 41°.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2003 I haven’t gotten any email from the incense place yet, but they may not return to work till Monday.

When Tom drove by it, he verified that the second house was definitely at ground level. The reason it may not appear so from here is because of the way the land slopes upward. When you look out front and towards the right, it slopes upward. When you look towards the left, it slopes downward.

The first house is for sale for $90,000. So, if a 3-bedroom, 2-bath house with a shared well can go for that, we ought to be able to get $140,000 for our 5-bedroom, 2-bath house with its private well.

Mary says she’s got a bunch of drafts to send me. I hope they have some punctuation!

A storm blew through here late last night, and of course it had to wake me up. I’m surprised I even went as long as I did before this latest wake-up call.

Later…

Jeff, Bob’s assistant, emailed me saying he made the changes and thanks for the order. I figured they’d be there, too. They seem to be workaholics. They’re there on weekends and even at night, so it seems.

Tom did some research and learned a bit about making the stuff. All it mostly is is a blank stick they take and dip in water that has unscented oil and a few drops of the fragrance mixed in. They let them soak a while, then they let them dry out. This is why it takes at least 5 days to process the orders. It’s the oil that makes it burn, releasing the scent.

The more I think about it, the more I think it’d be cool to have an online incense store of my own. It sure sounds like it’d be a lot cheaper than kilns and a lot easier to make than dollmaking. There’s so much mess, work and time that goes into doll making. That’s why the dolls are so damn expensive. As always, though, I worry that God will make sure I don’t succeed. I swear he’s got a no-doing-the-things-I-really-want-to-do rule on me. At least for the most part, he does. For most of my life, I’ve wondered why. Why is it so important to him that I don’t get what I want in life? Did I have it all in some former life that now he’s compensating me, or what?

Later…

I just checked and it’s 69° where Mary is, 37° where Paula is which is actually quite toasty for this time of year, 55° here, and just 28° in Post Falls, Idaho where my incense is being made. I guess it really is colder there than MA like Tom says!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2003 Piggy didn’t make it. We figured as much by the way he sounded and looked. Meanwhile, I don’t want to get anyone new till Little Fella goes. With that old rat, it could be anytime. He’s about 15 months old. As much of a problem as he is with the pissing, I hope he doesn’t go anytime soon. I really do love that big fat rat!

Anyway, Tom’s going to deposit the pipe sale money and check out the signs where the new houses are. He’s also going to stop at Circle K.

At some point today I’ll make my incense order and maybe even email my Haiku order so they’ll be there when everyone gets back to work.

For new scents I’m getting: 1000 Flowers, Abysinnia, African Jasmine, African Musk, African Plum, African Queen, African Violet, Anais, Apple, Apricot, Arabian Night, Avocado, Bergamot, Bijan, Bill’s Musk, Black Cherry, Black Diamond, Black Flora, Black Grape, Black Henry, Black Love, Black Magic, Black Musk, Black Narcissus, Black Pearl, Blackberry, Blossom, Blue Nile, Blue Sonata, Carnation, Cashmere, Cedarwood, Cherry, China Musk, China Rain, Choctaws Mouno, Cinnamon, Citronella, Clove, Cranberry, Cucumber, Cut Grass, Desert Rain, Dragon Blood, Dragonfly, Drakkar, Egyptian Musk, Evening Forest, Evergreen, Fast Cash, Fig, Fir Balsam, Firdaus, Floor, Floral, Florist, Florist Dream, Frangipani, Frankincense, Freesia, Gardenia, Ginger, Guava, Halston, Harlem Musk, Hawaiian Garden, Hawaiian Orchid, Hawaiian Plumeria, Hemp, Herbal, Hibiscus, Honey Almond, Honey Musk, Honeysuckle, Hyacinth, Hyssop, In Too Deep, Indian Flower, Jamaican Musk, Jamaican Night, Jamaican Plum, Jasmine, Joe Blow, John Henry, Jojoba, Joop, Jungle Fever, Kush, Langerfeld, Latin love, Lauren, Lavender, Leather, Licorice, Lily of the Valley, Lotus, Love, Love Supreme, Magnolia, Majmua, Mandarin, Mawa, Mecca, Melon, Mermaid, Michael Jordan, Mojo, Money, Morning Mist, Mother Love, Muddy Waters, Mulberry, Myrrh, Nag Champa, Narcissus, Nautica, Nephritis, New Car, Nubian Musk, Nubian Rain, Oasis, Ocean, Orange Blossom, Opium, Passion, Passion Flower, Patchouli, Pear, Pina Colada, Pine, Pineapple, Pinon, Plumeria, Polo, Potpourri, Puddy Cat, Rain Barrel, Raspberry Musk, Relaxation, Rock & Roll, Romance, Rose, Rose Geranium, Rosemary, Sassafras, Sitting Bull, Spice, Spikenard, Sudan Musk, Sugar Plum, Summer Rain, Sun Moon Stars, Swamp Root, Sweet Black Pussy, Tea Rose, Tea Tree, Sweet Love, Sweet Musk, Sweet Rain, Tanganilla, Tiger Tail, Tommy Girl, Tommy Hilfiger, Touch of Love, Tropical Musk, Tunisian Honey, Tutti Fruity, Vanilla Musk, Whisper, White Ginger, White Love, Wildberry, Wisteria, Woodstock & Ylang Ylang.

I’m also getting some of my favorites like Angel, Baby Powder, Bump & Grind, Butter Rum, Brown Sugar, Cedar, Chocolate, Escape, Fruit, Grape, Joy, Watermelon, Honey, Hot Love & Raspberry.

Later…

I made my incense order, which took forever. I’ll never be making such huge orders again, though. The only reason it’s so big now is that I’m still sampling things. Once I narrow down my favorites, I’ll order in smaller quantities. I screwed up and ordered a 20-pack of Mermaid when I meant to order a 5-pack, so I emailed them, asking them to adjust it for me. Also, I had to make a few substitutes because Oxygen, Rain, Spike and Sweet Grass weren’t on the list.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2003 What a Christmas present we just got!!! Walter, the well guy, just stopped by and paid us $203 in cash for our old PVC pipes that were stored under the house just sitting there doing nothing. After all the money we put into this damn well, it’s so nice to get some back! I’m getting more incense for damn sure. I’m going to sample the rest of the ones I want to try out, then maybe get a kit to try making my own from another site that sells it. I still intend to save up for that mannequin in my lifetime, but not till we know what’s going on and where we’ll be.

Anyway, as Tom pointed out and as funny as it may sound, we try to sell dolls and we can’t, yet without even trying we can get a couple hundred for pipes of all things in this world. Pipes that are 4 years old and that were used for 2 of the 4 years.

I called Paula and told her I’d still like $10 to ship her package to her. After all the time and money I’ve put into her, that’s only reasonable. I know I’ll never see a dime, though. She’s loyal but stingy. Anyway, her package is going to consist of a few odds and ends I have no interest in. I added in the extras mainly to fill the box up so things don’t get jostled around like crazy. She’ll get 5 CDs, a few little rugs that came with the Indian dolls, the hangable fairy that wasn’t worth the $12 I paid for it, a camera case, an oriental fan, foam soda can holders, plastic flowers, nail polish and facial cleansers, a coupon off a tooth whitening kit, a few little stuffed bears and a wolf, a bit of perfume and the incense I don’t like. Actually, I may omit the animals and use the newspaper they use to wrap the incense in as a filler.

Anyway, between the two incense orders and Haiku, I’d say I’m doing pretty well. Next, I’m going to hope to sell as much of the junk I don’t want at the swap meet and add the long-wanted Alexa to the list since I highly doubt I’ll make enough for a mannequin.

The satellite images are so cool. We were able to locate the two houses I lived in in Longmeadow, plus the two apartment buildings I lived in in Springfield. I’m going to enclose a copy of the Springfield shot in Paula’s package so she can see my old building, plus hers a few buildings away. We also found this house, plus our old house in Phoenix. We’re pretty sure these pictures are 5-10 years old and that we were probably living in the Phoenix house with the naughty blacks when the picture was taken. You could even make out the pool and the big tree the welfare bums had in their backyard that used to make a mess of our yard with its leaves. What was way cool was how you could “fly” down the map. This software is used in flight simulators when they’re training pilots. Anyway, we flew an hour southward and watched the land roll by till we came to our current house which is pretty much in direct line with the old one.

I finally heard from Mary again. In fact, it was mailed by José and our first thought was that he was writing to ask if I’d heard from her. They were doing their Christmas cards together so that’s why he mailed it. She did her part, mailed it to him, then he mailed it to me. They each wrote a little poem and it was really nice.

Mary asked me to email a note to Dr. Phil. I guess Oprah made him famous. She told him of her case and asked for guidance on how to cope, saying she wasn’t allowed to attend Gretchen’s funeral, etc. Then, after I sent the message, Mary’s aunt left a message saying that Mary’s changed her mind and not to send it if I hadn’t already, but I had. I don’t know why she changed her mind, but I told her not to worry. I mean, I don’t see the harm it could do her. Who knows if I’ll even get a reply back about it? The guy must get millions of messages.

I totally disagree with Mary when she insists she’s not guilty of child neglect. The man beats her and her kids over and over, yet she continues to stay with him till he kills one of them, and she’s not guilty of neglect? My ass she isn’t! No, she isn’t responsible for Justin’s sick actions, but she could’ve prevented things from escalating. She was just too high on getting her ass beat to do so. As Tom and I agree, though, jail is not necessarily the appropriate place for her. She’s not a danger to society and keeping her in jail won’t bring Gretchen back, but this isn’t the 70s either.

I quit my diet, though just until after the new year. It’s just that now’s a lousy time to try to diet with people giving you goodies and all that. There’s no hurry on getting my question answered anyway, as to whether or not I can get under 127, but regular or not, I think I know the answer to that.

It looks like my palm tree is going to die, and Piggy might, too. He’s been making these really weird wheezing noises as if he’s having a hard time breathing. He may have a tumor in his throat or something. He’s also not growing even though he eats like a pig.

I’m not going to bother to print out the whole year as I still don’t think it’s necessary. Not with all the backups I have, so this will be the last printed year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2003 Now it seems our ghost can make things disappear. I’m sick of the pranksterish spirit inhabiting this land! See, my second incense order consists of 100 mini-sticks in brown sugar, fruit and chocolate scents, 20-packs of angel, raspberry, honey and butter rum, and 5-packs of grape and watermelon. Well, when I got up to light a watermelon stick, the package was missing. I searched everywhere for it to no avail. I know I received it, though, because I went through a checklist when I first opened the box. I can’t imagine accidentally throwing it out either, so since Tom has no interest in it, where did it go?

Tom found some really cool software yesterday that takes satellite images. We saw our land too, but the picture was about 5 years old. They’re probably not allowed to release pictures on the web too soon after they’re taken so people don’t feel spied on, not that I’d personally give a shit. It was still really cool. You could see next door’s place and Dan’s old place, but no rentals, and of course, our house wasn’t here when the picture was taken, but it was so cool to be able to make out certain trees on our land!

Tom’s doing the grocery shopping now, the poor guy. Walmart is no doubt a madhouse being just two days before Christmas.

I got letters going out to Mom, Mary, Paula and Bob, but the ones out of state shouldn’t get there till next week, the tail end of the year.

It’s a pretty cloudy day out there today and cool, too.

Tom insists that they did lower that house, but it doesn’t look lower from here. There’s a sign up over there too, which I imagine is to sell or rent the places. Maybe they won’t be occupied just after the new year if no one’s bought or rented them yet.

Later…

Well, there’s doll delay number one. Ricki, the woman I spoke to yesterday, is out of town. I spoke to some other dimwit who knows absolutely nothing about dolls and I can’t fathom why she’s even there. She took my number to give to Ricki if she calls her. Worst case scenario I’ll have to wait till Tuesday to place the order when she returns. They can’t really do anything till then anyway, but if there’s any good in it, the new year is the slowest time for most businesses, so she may be done faster.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2003 What a surprising and wonderful day it’s turned out to be so far! I didn’t see Tom last night as I was already asleep when he got in, but the surprise was waiting for me when I got up.

Not only did they remember my birthday after all and give us Christmas money, but they gave Tom $60 for his work and for gas. Although we know we should put all the money into bills, we decided we deserve to splurge since we haven’t gotten much fun stuff lately. So, I called Pala Creations in North Carolina and for a base total of $105, including shipping and the beaded armature that’s normally $15 extra, they’re going to make up Haiku! Then my $33 remaining dollars will be for Tom to do as he wishes, along with his $100 which I’m sure he’ll put towards bills. This is why I was glad there was $33 left over. If I’d had the $158 I’ve supposedly saved, I’d be getting a mannequin now, but I’ll get it someday. We didn’t order Haiku today, though, as Tom needs to get the money in the bank first. We’ll probably order her tomorrow. She’s not going to charge me for the wig change either since I’m not requesting human hair, or for the inset lashes. When I do call them back, I’m going to request standing legs if that’s an option, make sure the eyes are realistic and the lashes are inset, and that I get the UPS tracking number when she’s shipped so I can track her journey out to me. I should receive her between February 3rd – 17th so long as the truck doesn’t go breaking down or there isn’t some other delay.

As for our gifts, Tom got the usual shirts, plus a 1600-piece tool kit from Mom, Mary and Dave.

From Steven and Carol, we got a pretty canister with chocolate and eggnog biscuits, but Tom doesn’t like them because there are almonds and walnuts in them. He hates nuts.

From mom, Mary and Dave, I got two puzzles, an inflatable punching pillar, and an exercise ball with 3-pound dumbbells. I have no interest in the punching pillar, but the big rubber exercise ball is cool. I’m going to sell my Denise Austin equipment and my Thi-Master, along with the punching pillar.

I got my wonderful incense today too, and thanked them for it. He asked for another testimonial that I gave. I wonder if he remembers that I already gave one, not that I mind doing it again.

They’re working in front and I think the second house will be put in place today. I also think that shortly after the new year is when they’ll be moving in, along with the dogs they’ll no doubt permanently affix in front to badger me with.

If it turns out we’re staying, then we’ll have to decide whether or not it’ll be worth putting fences up if we’re just going to turn around and move 6 months later.

The rats are doing well, but I wish every other one we got wouldn’t sneeze like crazy. It’s common with rats, though.

No Mary mail, though I did get a letter from Bob, along with some jokes he enclosed. The jokes are just so-so, but they were nice to get anyway. I’m not surprised I didn’t get mail from Mary. I know how depressing the holidays are for her being away from family and all that. I’m sure she’ll pick up on her letters to me as well as book drafts after the new year. Of course, there’s always the chance she’s sent stuff I never got. I hope not!

Later…

What a pisser. They did both what I feared and vibed they’d do and didn’t lower the second house which is in excellent view of ours. I can see it better than the renters as the renters are at an angle.

Bob, the owner of the incense store, sent another message explaining that he had wanted me to leave the second message to show others that I came back to make a second order and wished me happy holidays.

I was both shocked and delighted to see a prairie dog out and about! This is the first time I’ve seen them come out of hibernation before the new year.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2003 Miss Perfect called last night, but of course it was only because she wanted something. She wants Tom to do some computer work for her, and as we both agreed, if he’s going to get paid for his work – sure. I warned him, though, not to be too nice as that’s how you end up being taken advantage of. He’ll be going there today at around noon.

We’ve been going through a lot of boxes and stuff around here in preparation for the after-new-year swap meet and or a moving sale. We even played an old horseracing board game.

Later…

I talked to Paula at 2’ of snow and 6°! At least one of us gets restitution for our screw-overs. She’s getting a little over 4 G’s for the bus accident she was in. I’m really happy for her, but why oh why is it that most everyone else gets paid for being fucked over while we have to pay to get fucked over?

She didn’t have much else to tell me other than the usual man problems she loves so much to have, and DSS being on her ass. She goes, “They try to tell me I’m not a good mother when I know I am,” and I thought to myself how I wish I could believe I was good at the things I know I’m not.

She says she didn’t receive the Christmas card or the letter with the small envelope made out to the incense place for a sample. I hope it’s just the holiday rush that’s delayed it and that she will get it. I wonder if Mary’s gotten all my mail. I told her to check and let me know. Meanwhile, I’m not sending anything else till after Christmas and maybe not even till next year. It’s just a lousy time for sending stuff.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2003 I was worried when my incense didn’t show up yesterday, so I emailed them to ask when it was shipped. Well, it turns out that it wasn’t even shipped till the 18th, and not the 15th or 16th as I thought was the case. This means that as long as all the Christmas packages don’t hold it up, I should have it on Monday.

As I figured would be the case, I still can’t get my money from Netflip any more than I can get the two gift certificate cards I was supposed to get. It makes me wonder if Memolink will do the same thing and cheat me out of my certificate once I gain enough points.

We still don’t know for sure when we’re moving or where to, but Tom assures me we won’t end up where there are people because it’s too expensive to go where there are people which is usually where there are paved roads, sewers, mail and trash services, etc.

Another pound bites the dust. I’m at 128 now. The hunger gets pretty bad at times, but I’m surviving. I seem to have gone down a bit in the waist, lower back and thighs, but at just a 2-pound loss this is mostly due to the toning and reshaping of my muscles rather than weight-loss. I’m going farther in less time too, picking up my pace as my legs get stronger and I gain more stamina. Ideally, I’d like to lose 30 pounds but will settle for 20. Hell, I’d even settle for 10, since weighing 120 would be better than 130, even if I’d still be rather chubby.

As with most things in life, I have mixed emotions about us cutting off all ties with Marge which we are prepared to do if they continue to be as selfish and as uncaring as they have been. On the one hand, we could really use the money we normally get for Christmas, but on the other, I don’t want to know her or Mary anymore. I’m just sick as shit of them. While they may never be as bad as my family’s been, they’ve been bad enough and I certainly wouldn’t miss them if I never saw them again. We just don’t want to know people who don’t give a damn about us. Also, if they have any connection whatsoever to Art and Doe as I believe they do, that’s another reason I don’t want to know them. When one of them croaks, the other’s going to go running to Marge about it who’ll run to me, and I won’t want to know about it then any more than I’d want to know about it now or since ’98 when I cut them out of my life for good. Sooner or later, be it Doe, Art, Tammy or Lisa, one of them is going to try to use and go through Marge to get at me, be it to cause me more trouble or try to reunite with me, and after 32 years of dealing with their never-ending cycle of abuse like I did, I don’t need history repeating itself. I know all I’d have to do is ignore them, even if Marge does give them our address and number against our wishes, but still, it’s the reminder of their existence I could do without. I’m reminded enough as it is in my memories and nightmares, so I don’t need the extra help. Nonetheless, whether or not we cut them off is up to them. It’ll depend on how things go when Tom sees them next.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2003 I’m down a pound and a half, but I’ll just call it 129. After all this hard work and hunger, I better get under 127! I’m going to be so pissed if I don’t.

I’m also going to be pissed if my incense doesn’t arrive today. Given the time it’s been since I placed the order and when they took the money, there’s no reason it shouldn’t come today unless someone fucked up, leaving yours truly here to once again be the one put out by it.

Anyway, the hunger has been pretty bad even with the suppressants due to the increased amount of exercise.

Rich or poor, I’ve decided to cut down on my mail to Mary as long as she’s cut down on hers to me. I still wonder if there’s something more going on than the death of her cousin. I haven’t exactly had lots of good, cheery news for her lately, so I don’t know; maybe she’s sick of hearing the same old uncertainty. I hope not, because while we all want to hear good things, if you can’t be a friend throughout the bad as well as the good, then you’re not really a true friend. I’m beginning to wonder just how true of a friend she is, too. After all, she too, blew off my birthday. A simple “Happy Birthday” would’ve been nice. I give what I get, though, so I’ll have no problem with ignoring hers next October 15th, assuming we’re still friends at that time.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2003 I’m quite shocked and delighted to report that the computer problem actually turned out to be a quick, simple fix that didn’t take hours or cost anything. A computer has two little fans in it. One to keep the supply box from overheating, and then there’s the CPU fan (central processing unit) which is what got old and worn out. Tom simply replaced it with another one.

Just when I thought he might be right about the foul smell coming from the garbage disposal, and thinking the baking soda killed it, I got a whiff of it earlier, and I have a feeling it’s not going to be going away anytime soon. Especially if it’s connected to any evil entities like I think it may be, and me being the psychic one here, am more sensitive to it than Tom. Lucky him!

I did my 1-hour walk which came to 2 miles. If I was able to walk at a normal pace I’d probably have gone almost 3 miles, but this particular walker is designed to make it like you’re walking up a very steep incline, and that slows you down.

I’m trying to space my food between 4-hour gaps. This week’s menu consists of chicken for protein, popcorn for fun, potatoes to keep regular, and fruit for its vitamins. Knowing I was going to begin the diet today, I ate like crazy over the last few days so I’m back up to 130. If I can’t get under 127, then I’ll have to decide whether or not I want to just maintain that or see a doctor whenever we’re insured again. I should lose 2-3 pounds a week on a diet like this, so it’ll be a couple of weeks before my question is answered as to whether or not anything’s wrong.

I’m still going to try to make my uterus go bad when we’re insured too, but I don’t know if God will let me do that. He doesn’t like women in general and he obviously wants us to suffer more than men do. I also don’t know if I can cure my asthma or even make it better, because again, God wanted me to suffer in the first place. I just don’t know why or why any God would want to see so much pain and suffering occur on earth like it does.

As funny as it may sound, and although Tom’s been putting in job applications, it’d be best if he didn’t get a job till after the new year, given the timing of our billing cycle on the electricity and the satellite. He plans to use the remaining two Tuesdays of the month, which is when the unemployment check comes, to pay the electric bill and the satellite. Meanwhile, we’re going to lose the TV any second now. Fortunately for me, it’s no big loss. I never watch it anyway. All I’ve been watching are my CA episodes while I walk. You have to be late on the electric and satellite bills for a month before they can turn you off, so this is why he wants to make sure they get paid, whereas if he got a job now, it might be 2-3 weeks before we got a check which means that by then they’d have shut us off. Although our generator only needs a $1 part to function again, we don’t care to live off of this generator like we were doing when we were first moving in here!

I just wish I could snap my fingers and have it be a month from now! I’d at least like to know if we’re staying or going. My vibes have been swinging from one thing to another with that and I don’t know what to believe anymore. First we were going to Nevada, then northern Arizona, then we were staying right here, and now we’re stuck somewhere in Maricopa on 2-5 acres with people barely 50’ away. I try to tell myself, “Don’t worry about history repeating itself. The tormenting freeloaders you lived with was just a fluke.”

But it wasn’t just a “fluke.” Flukes don’t keep happening over and over again, even if they have variations of sorts along the way. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a curse when the same kinds of bad things keep happening. Identifying its source may not always be the key to removing it, but I’d sure like to be able to identify it someday, and I’d certainly like to get rid of it, too!

I still wonder – just what haunts this land that doesn’t want us here? And could we really be meant to never have money, and is that why God wants us out of here; so we lose out on making serious money off this place in the future as it continues to build up around here? Or does he just want to see me stuck back with people and their damn dogs again?

It’s gotten rather cold. It’s only 33° right now, and of course, Maricopa’s dogs are going off about it. They’ve been barking non-stop since I got up at midnight.

I hope I have Mary mail and my nose treats waiting for me at the PO today. I could really use it in the midst of all this poverty and uncertainty going on.

I just got a third mail-return, but only sent Miss Perfect two messages. Or tried to. I get this every now and then, but Miss Perfect’s the only non-business source of return. When I’d get mail returned claiming there was an error in delivery, they were when I’d try to unsubscribe from spammers whom I had thought deliberately set things up to reject those trying to unsubscribe to use as an excuse to keep badgering people.

I don’t know if my mail got through to Miss P., but I also don’t care anymore. It’s always been rather hard for me to care about those who don’t care about me. Tom will go visit after Christmas as soon as he can afford the gas to do so, then if need be, we’ll be done with them. It’ll depend on how the visit goes. I mean, sure it was nice of them to lend us money when we’d ask, but we don’t need people who can’t take the initiative to care and help us on their own, not to mention the way Mary treated me in the casino, her rude picture obsession, the possibility that they may be sending mail to people I asked them not to send mail to that they know I don’t like and that were abusive, rarely caring enough to call, then ignoring my birthday. It wouldn’t surprise me if they ended up blowing off Tom’s birthday as well. Like I always said, though, you can’t change people. All you can do is avoid the ones you don’t like, or at least try to anyway.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2003 I am so, so furious right now!!! Now my music computer’s broken! This curse is really getting scary. What are we going to do when it starts breaking us? I’m in tears of utter rage, frustration and fear right now, and am within inches of breaking what’s left that does work so that it can’t break any more of our shit! I’ll have to wait till Tom gets up, but it appears that the drive has corrupted or there’s something wrong with the way it spins. Not a quick $10 replacement. We can’t afford to keep fixing things here. This shit’s got to stop or we’ll just have to do away with most of our things that are mechanical and I’ll end up picking at the carpet instead of vacuuming it, scrubbing clothes and dishes by hand and never using computers.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2003 Finally, the spell has worked! I killed his infection and prevented it from entering the inner ear. He’s still not 100% yet, though he’s much better. This week he can aggressively search for a job (he feels confident a temp agency will take him on), then about a month from now, we should know once and for all if we’re staying or going. I still think we’re going because even if we both got good-paying jobs, I don’t see how we could catch up fast enough. This isn’t a $425 rent payment we’re talking about, but a nearly $1,000 house payment.

As for Miss Perfect ignoring us, they’re hurting themselves more than they’re hurting us by stiffing us out of any birthday/Christmas money (unless Mom plans to give it all to Tom after Christmas) because if they don’t give us anything, we’re both done with them, and that will mean that sooner or later they’ll need someone to come fix something within their little shitbox that they’re too stupid to do themselves, and Tom won’t be answering their cries for help. It’s Tom’s family so he has to do what he wants if they stiff us and even sit back and watch us lose the house, but if it were all up to me, we’d never again answer any of their calls/emails much less contact them in any way. At that point, I’d say let them sit and worry and wonder why we’re ignoring them, and it amazes me just how stupid people are, too. Meaning, they fuck you over, you ditch them, then they ask why. Miss Perfect asked Tom why there wasn’t any email from me and he had to remind the ditz of her childish, selfish little casino outburst. People are so dumb at times it isn’t funny, but like I said, if they do what I think they’re going to do, let them go figure for all we’ll care.

I realize more and more that nobody gives a shit about us but us, but at least we have each other and aren’t alone. I couldn’t imagine life without him, rich or poor, no matter what we lived in. If we’ve got to be stuck in a dump for a while, though, fine as long as it isn’t next to any Jew-hating freeloaders with the wrong connections!!!

Later…

No Mary mail today. I’m surprised I didn’t get a letter as well as drafts because she had said she was going to get cracking on the book again. I guess she’s still depressed over her cousin. Because my flop of a story will be like 3 or 4 envelopes worth of stamps to mail to her, and I’m sure I need not remind her how broke we are, I won’t be writing as much but will get a letter off to her when I get 8 pages full as I don’t like to mail more than 4 sheets at a time. As I also told her, it isn’t just stamp money I gotta watch, it’s ink. My laser printer’s broken and I’m only half-full on ink. Fortunately for me, I don’t mind writing, so if I have to write by hand I will, but I think, I hope, it doesn’t come to that! If things get so bad that I can’t write at all, don’t think I’m dead, I told her, but again, if things ever got that bad, then something up there really, really does have it in for us! I’d like to think that not even we could rank that low on its shit list, but time will tell.

Things are still looking pretty bleak here but come mid-January we should definitely know for sure if we’re staying or going. I think we’ll end up going. Circumstances always force us to move before we’re ready to do so on our own, though if we do end up staying, we’re still going to look for better land deals that are more isolated. And fence this damn property!!!

I wish I loved noise cuz then I’d want to stay in the city where there are sewer systems, mail and trash services, and stores close by, but Arizona cities are a symphony of chaos! I suppose it’s that way in any area where it’s nice for most of the year. However, as long as people gotta act like animals, I couldn’t stand to live with them.

I called and left Paula a couple of messages.

They put a big water storage tank in front, but still haven’t dropped the second house, nor am I in any hurry for them to do so. The first house is still unoccupied as well.

They traded the trailer in back for a horse. I knew they’d get another horse unless this is the same one and it was sick or something. It’s hard to tell. Like I said, though, I knew they wouldn’t put all that time and money into a corral just to give up on horses that quickly. Especially such outdoorsy people like they are. They’ve been quieter, though, as far as that old truck with the loud motor goes, and have been burning their trash. Most of it anyway. They’re really not that bad when they can keep their dogs to themselves. The dog does get annoying at night, but they could be much worse, so I can’t complain too much. It’d be hell having them next to us in Phoenix, though, that’s for sure! There are just too many of them and too many dogs.

Tom got baking soda which I poured down the disposal as he thinks the foul odor I’ve been smelling is coming from that. I find that hard to believe, but we’ll see.

It’s been 7 weeks since I sent in the form for the $20 Toys R Us card. I’m sure I’ll never see it any more than I got to see the other cards. Why do they even have these offers if they know they’re not going to send the cards? Just to tease people? Or is this just our rip-off curse that never seems to quit?

Tomorrow begins the 1000-calorie/1-hour walk to finally find out for sure if something’s wrong or not. Again, I don’t know if it’ll show up in testing if there is. God won’t let what he doesn’t want fixed show up broken. So, if I don’t lose weight I better hope it’s a medical problem and not a curse.

Though the cold weather helps, along with spraying the doors, I have been getting better and better at keeping spiders out by placing spells on the insides of the doors.

Tom found that my prescription inhaler is $20 without insurance, yet the store-brand one was $10 which is what the prescription ones are with insurance, so he went and bought the store-brand one and said to hell with the last prescription one like we agreed he’d do if it did turn out to be more expensive. I’m going to be using the store brand one from now on anyway. Rich or poor, though, a person shouldn’t have to pay to breathe.

Tom said there were a few booms today that were about a 5 on a scale of 1–10 in severity, yet I amazingly slept through them. I had the fan on high, though, so maybe that’s why.

Again I got a message saying my mail to Miss Perfect wouldn’t go through, but I don’t know if this pertains to the first message I sent or the second.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2003 I was thinking that if we do end up forced to move into some dive somewhere, I may not have the guts to leave it for fear of losing another nice house, too. After all, you can’t lose what you don’t have. If we can leave this place willingly on our own time and at our own pace, that’d be different. With so much of our lives dictated to us, though, I still think we’ll be forced out of here.

Unless they haven’t picked it up yet, Dave and Miss Perfect are ignoring us. I said it before, and I’ll say it again – they’ll never see or hear from me again if they stiff us out of Christmas money. I’ll take the damn t-shirts, pictures of my fat face, and other useless odds and ends if I have to so we can get our annual money.

Even Tom’s pissed that they ignored my birthday and as he said, if they didn’t want to send money, they could’ve at least sent a card. But they have no problem with sending the people who made my life a living hell Christmas cards. I still think it’s because I stood up to Miss Perfect and let her know that I’m me and she’s her and that she’ll just have to live with it. Most people would see that as my being rude and insulting, and most people hold grudges, too. Anyone who knows me knows that the quickest way to lose me is to try to change me, so I guess they just didn’t know me very well or they just didn’t care.

Anyway, Tom’s ear infection is still holding on, but improving little by little. I was really hoping to cure it faster. I even want to try to become powerful enough to make my uterus go bad once we’re insured. I’ve had enough surgery in my life, but it’d be a worthy investment if it’s going to cut me out of the 250 periods I have left.

He changed the fan inside my computer because it was making this obnoxious screeching sound.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2003 I know now for sure that getting under 127 won’t be any easier than it has been for the last year or so. I’m not stuck, I’ve worked out consistently, I only had 1000 calories so far today, yet I’m already 3 pounds heavier than when I woke up. Oh well. At least I should be able to stay the same for quite a while. I don’t like having to work so hard to do so, but it’s better than nothing. Besides, if it were that easy to lose weight, most of us wouldn’t end up hopelessly fat like we do. If someone had told me back in my skinny 20s that I’d one day be heavy and have no control over it, I’d never have believed it in a million years!

Tomorrow’s the day I’ll probably get woken up because they didn’t fly today, and they’ve been flying every other day for the most part. It’s bad enough that I wake up for no reason!

I’m wondering if Miss Perfect and Dave have a block on me. I tried to send a quick message to remind them of our existence, hoping it’ll help them not forget about us over the holidays, but it was returned. The reasons why were confusing. It said something about an error, refused connection, and it being delayed. This has happened before too, so this is why I think they might have a block on me. I’ll ask Tom about it when he gets up. Anyway, if they do stiff us out of our holiday money on top of my birthday money and not caring enough to call, I swear I’ll make them sicker than sick! I’ll bring them to the brink of death and put the biggest spell on them ever!

Later…

Just when my spells seem to take effect on Tom’s ear infection, it seems to come back in full force. He’s still sure he’ll be better by Monday and able to be more productive. He better be. We don’t have the money for a doctor to treat this. I worried about this too; of God inflicting some sort of illness or injury upon us when he knows we’re vulnerable and without insurance.

I also wondered if this was Tom’s compensation for me sparing him from colds so far this year, but I don’t know. He said his throat was getting sore, so he may be coming down with one, too. Then again, it may just be the infection draining.

I sent Miss Perfect the message a different way and it went through, but as expected, I haven’t gotten a response. I don’t expect to either. I’m sure that when they read that we may lose the house they’ll be like, oh well, that’s their problem. Then they can go gamble away the extra money that we could use, and Mom can let her many thousands just sit in the bank. I disagree with Tom, though, in that I still don’t think this is all basic selfishness. I think part of it is they don’t like me because I stood up to Mary and let her know I wasn’t going to take her shit or be anything I’m not just to satisfy her. I still can’t believe just how much Doe in them they’ve turned out to have! They kept it hidden for quite a while. Usually, these things come out right away. Mary’s nothing but a control freak with no tolerance for those who aren’t like her and Mom is as selfish as can be.

Someone was blasting music on and off for hours earlier. I don’t see how the hell someone can stand to sit in a car and blast their music with the temperature in the 40s if it was a car stereo or blast music with doors or windows open if it was a house stereo. I tell myself to get used to it because we’re going to be hearing a lot more of that when we move. At least I fear we will. I just can’t get away from people. No matter how hard I try, I can’t shake them off. If I must end up forced to go where there are more people, though, I’d rather it at least be in the free world than in jail. A part of me wishes that if we were going to be forced onto less than 10 acres we were back east. I don’t miss the cold, snow and humidity, but at least there are very few small houses there, the water’s drinkable, and they don’t leave their dogs outside to bark 24/7. But we are where we are, and most curses never die. Meaning, I know we’ll end up next to the loudest people in the area, and if they aren’t there when we move in, they’ll join us in a matter of months. I don’t know if the main source of annoyance will be barking dogs, screaming kids, thumping bass or really loud engines like in a motorcycle, but there’ll be something.

One of the annoyances we have inside the house here which I’ve had to deal with ever since we’ve been here is the on-and-off foul odors that waft through here that only I seem to be able to smell. I know my nose is like a bloodhound’s, but I was amazed that Tom couldn’t smell the burst of foul smells that ran through here earlier. It’s been worse lately and every day I’m assaulted by foul odors that seem to have no pattern or source. I had thought it was coming from the septic, but now I don’t know what to think because oddly enough, it seems to be connected to the vents. I smell it more when the heat’s on. It made me wonder if something got into the vents and died there, but if it did, why didn’t one of us hear it before it died? And why would I only sometimes smell it? I don’t smell it every time the heat’s running and sometimes it’s stronger than others. This, combined with the unexplained crack in Tom’s office window, among other happenings here, are just so supernatural-ish. As most people know, I don’t scare easily at all. The only things I can think of that I really consider scary are open heights and spiders, especially if they’re big. In other words, ghosts and goblins don’t scare me, but these events really fray my nerves. It’s just another source of trouble I can’t fight, as far as I’m concerned. I really believe this evil entity is that of someone who died on or around this property about 50 years ago and they’re lost, in a sense. Maybe they don’t even realize they’re dead. Especially if they’re trapped between the land of the living and the land of the dead if there is such a thing. Either way, I don’t think the shit we’ve gone through in this house is all on account of some lost or angry spirit.

I just wish I knew what was going on and where we’ll be in a few months from now. I’m also so, so sick of having to hope that this one doesn’t fuck up or that that one doesn’t fuck up, because I know that if they do, we’ll be the ones to pay for it. It’s like so much of our lives is what others make it and I’m just so sick of it!

As for another one of my long-term curses, after the next grocery run, I’m going to cut my calories to 1000 a day and up my walking to an hour a day. If that doesn’t get the weight off, then there can’t not be something wrong. This will tell me either way and I’d really like to know for once and for all. Of course, just because there may be something wrong doesn’t mean God would let it show up on a doctor’s test. Not if he doesn’t want me fixing it. If it doesn’t work, I promised myself that I would no longer continue to torture myself over the subject. I’ll still try to maintain the weight, but no more trying to lose it after this. There’s a time to try our best to achieve whatever, then there’s a time to let it go and move on, and that’s what I need to do if this doesn’t work. We all have things we can’t do. We win some, we lose some. Not everyone can lose weight any more than everyone can quit smoking.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2003 I’ve been sleeping really weirdly the last couple of days. I wake up a million times, then I get up too soon. Today I managed to go back to sleep, though.

I fell asleep at 129 and woke up a few hours later at 127, but when I got up for good, I was still 127. That pretty much tells me something right there. For some reason my body just won’t budge under 127, but should I really be all that surprised? I never had much control over my own body in the past, so why would I now?

No booms yet, but they may boom by tomorrow. They boomed by twice yesterday. This is just when I thought they’d stopped flying again too, so once again, I better try to stay on days next time I get there.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2003 This is certainly a surprise change in weather. I had just finished listening to music and when I stood up, I heard this steady sound. I was like, what the hell is that? My first thought was that it was the heat hissing through the vents, but as I passed by them, I didn’t feel the air moving. Besides, I knew it was still a few degrees away from coming on. The heat’s set to come on at 69°. When I went into the living room, I realized it was pouring down rain. It rained rather hard and for quite some time too, with gusts of wind to help the rain leak in the back door.

I decided to end my book, A New Life, a New Love, and I’m not happy with the way it turned out. I just ran out of ideas. This is why I could never be a romance writer – because without the suspenseful, adventurous twists murder mysteries have, it’d make for such dull writing/reading. At least, in my opinion, it would. Murder and mayhem seem to be my thing. Maybe that’s why there are so many more mystery writers out there than romance writers. What much more can you add to a romance book after they meet, fall in love and get it on? Either way, I’ll still save and print out this boring, gone-nowhere story for Tom and Mary. It seems I do best with characters who are either in law enforcement, medicine or the performing arts.

Anyway, all that really happened in the story was that a young girl gets hit by a car and is found with no ID on her. Neurologist Rene names her Katrina and the two fall for each other while Katrina undergoes all kinds of therapy to help her amnesia and partial paralysis. Eventually, her ex-girlfriend goes to see her in the hospital and Katrina, whose name is really Brittany, gets her memory back bit by bit. She decides to take Rene’s offer to live with her because her family was abusive.

My next book, Imprisoned Love, will have the usual suspense I like to both read and write. It’ll mainly be about a prisoner who falls for a guard who isn’t always nice to her. Sometimes she is, though, and so the prisoner ends up sort of torn between wanting nothing to do with the guard and wanting to hang onto her as they get it on in and outside of the prison. Meanwhile, while the prisoner is somewhat frightened of the guard, the guard grows increasingly obsessed with her, killing those who try to get in their way.

The dogs still bark their asses off at night, and I’m like, just what are they barking so wildly at anyway? Is it the nocturnal wildlife scurrying about that stirs them up? Or are they just that cold, lonely and neglected?

Piggy may turn out to be an okay rat after all. He let me pick him up last night and all 3 of them were out, though briefly.

I still worry just how much worse things will get before they temporarily improve. With the way God loves to see me stuck in places I don’t want to be, I still fear we’ll end up in some shitbox with neighbors just 50’ away. It’s better than 3’, but much worse than 450’. My vibes pertaining to moving/staying are totally screwed up. As I said before, it seems logical that we’re going to lose the house. We still want to move, it’s just that we’d prefer to do it on our own terms. Instead, whenever I moved as an adult as well as with him, we were pretty much forced to do so. Yes, we wanted out of the Phoenix house, but we were also running at the same time. Anyway, if the evil that we just can’t seem to shake free of doesn’t drive us out of here, then it sure is obvious that it likes to at least tease us with this place and make us think we’re going to lose it.

Nothing compares to the stress I was going through at this time last year. This is nothing compared to knowing I would soon have to face the utter humiliation and degradation of pissing in front of someone.

At 127 pounds, it’s too soon to get my hopes up, but the answer to why I wasn’t losing weight may have been right under my nose all this time. It’s starting to seem like I wasn’t working my heart hard enough or long enough, along with the fact that I wasn’t getting enough fiber. Now begins the real test. If I can get down to 125, then I should be able to get pretty much anywhere. Maybe not the 100 pounds I’d like to be, but perhaps to 110-115. I don’t know, though. I’m still 38 years old, not 20-something, and it’s not in my nature to be thin. If I don’t lose weight, then I guess something up there just doesn’t want me to. On the other hand, I know that losing weight only means asking for a new problem, and so I ask myself, do I really want to trade in my weight problem for a new problem that could be worse?

I’m still pissed that Marge ignored my birthday and at a time we’re so desperate for money. That was cold, really fucking cold.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2003 Tom’s got an ear infection right now. Like we need to be dealing with this shit on top of everything else, and when we’re uninsured? Is there no end to the evil and the hatred from above? We’re doing the alcohol and peroxide treatments and hoping for the best. I’m also putting spells on it. We have to cure it ourselves one way or another because it’d cost many hundreds of dollars we don’t have to see a doctor.

I don’t like Piggy much so far. He’s becoming more and more against being handled and I hate pets that won’t let me handle them.

Brownie’s cool, though. He likes attention as much as Little Fella who’s humongous!

They’re flying again. Amazingly they waited till after I got up to do so, but I’m sure they’ll wake me up in the next week. I’m about due for my next wake-up call anyway.

My hair’s now long enough to put back in a regular braid.

Because we’re sick of struggling so much and need a break, even though it can’t be much of one, we’re going to get each other some treats. He’s going to get lottery tickets and I’m going to make a small incense order as the Walmart kind really is boring! It’ll be just a $20 order, though. I’m getting 100 mini sticks of brown sugar, chocolate and fruit, and 20-packs of angel, raspberry, honey and butter rum, and 5-packs of grape and watermelon. That’s 240 hours of burn time.

I read an interview online that Kate did with this guy hosting it that has a website dedicated to her. I could probably get her to contact me if I had a site of my own, but I’m a little too greedy for that. Meaning, I wouldn’t want to put so much effort into something I couldn’t make money from. Guess I’m just not that obsessed with her. If I was 10 years old all over again and we had computers, you bet I would then!

Anyway, I got a kick out of how she said that if she, Farrah and Jaclyn did a CA movie, it’d be the only real CA movie. How right she’d be, too! The CA movies they made a couple of years ago are a joke. They’re not even real women if you ask me. They look more like girls and I hate that girlie look. Well, I don’t hate it, but it doesn’t turn me on either. I like a woman who’s all woman, even if she’s a bit dyky looking. Either way, I agree with Tom who says it’ll never happen because of their too-big egos. Farrah would want more and more money as if she doesn’t have enough already, and they’d all want to control this and want to control that.

Kate sounds so much like me. Maybe too much to be able to get along and have a relationship had we met and been the same age. She strikes me as the type to complain about my wacky schedule too, and things like that.

I just wish to hell we could have our own home-based business! I know I’m wishing for the impossible, though. I swear God must’ve said the day I was born, “Just hand me your list of dreams that you’ll have throughout life and make sure they never come true.” For the most part, he’s done just that too, but fortunately, the only real dream I have right now is for us to survive and be happy and healthy while we have a little extra spending money for fun. You just can’t get very far working odd jobs all your life where the risk of getting laid off or fired is so high. Odd jobs are what cause you to do okay at times, then struggle at times. It just doesn’t have the security a home business could have if we could come up with a clever enough idea that will keep a steady income coming in. There’s no sense in wasting our time dreaming, though. Tom’s going to have to go work for someone else, spend years working his way back up to the big bucks, then try to keep it going as long as he can till God makes sure his hard work is rewarded with a layoff or a firing.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2003 Now my house vibes are totally weirding out on me. First I was sure we’d be going, then I was sure we’d be staying, and now I don’t know what I sense. Logically speaking, unless someone gives Tom a job that pays $30 an hour in 5 minutes, we gotta be going for sure. I just wish I knew where to! That stuck-in-bad-places obsession God’s got for me has me worried, and the more I try to get away from people, the more he sics them on me, so I’m afraid he’s going to stick us on a tiny shit lot with lots and lots of rowdy people, and of course, in Arizona, there’s the never-ending slew of dogs outside barking 24/7.

It appears my vibes are going to be right about Marge not sending me a birthday card or money, and I fear she’ll stiff us out of our Christmas money, too. Tom assures me it has nothing to do with me and that they’re just selfish in general. This is so true, too. I don’t know what’ll be colder of them in the end; them not giving us birthday/holiday money, or them not even caring enough to take the time to call or email to see how we are, especially when they know we’ve been having a rough time.

I’ll mail their Christmas card that I got from the HS, then I’m so done with them mail-wise. I have really come to have absolutely no respect or admiration of any kind for these people, and I don’t give a damn anymore what they may be sending Doe and Art. These are all people who can’t use anything they may tell each other against me and that I’ll never see again or be forced to deal with anyway so they can exchange all the gossip and pictures they want. I mean, what can they do to me with it? They’re nothing more than just a very bad memory for me.

In much better news, I finally got a letter from Mary today, the day I was to call Carolyn to find out if she knew anything if I didn’t get anything today. It turns out that her cousin died of a seizure. I take it she was young too, but either way, Mary says she’s been in a lot of anguish.

She liked my last book and said it was scary. My current story is unlike anything I’ve ever written so far. It’s a medical romance, and to tell you the truth, I have no idea where it’s going. I mean, I can’t really think of any exciting and adventurous twists and turns to throw in so I may end it where it’s at some time soon. We’ll see. So far, Tom’s favorite is Sacrifices and I think I’d have to agree. He just started Nocturnal Obsession.

She asked about Little Buddy’s picture, and like I told her, I won’t know anything till the end of the year. There’s no way it could win the annual $10,000 prize because pictures of kids always win those. The $1,000 prize is by category. I don’t expect to win that because we never get money when we need it, but maybe I’ll get a medal. After all, what could I do with a medal? All it does is tell me how cute the picture is, but I already know this.

She said she decided against writing Paula as you can’t help those who don’t want to be helped. As I told her, she is so, so right about that! At 36 years of age, I’d say Paula’s definitely beyond help. I think that those who don’t want to help themselves are either too wimpy to do so, too blind to see they’ve got a problem in the first place, or they’re okay with the problem for some bizarre reason. I think Paula, as loyal as she’s been, qualifies for all of the above!

Anyway, it’s the first letter from her in quite a while where she didn’t ask for anything.

Got a Bob letter, too. He was in the hospital I guess for his heart.

Lastly, I got a lipstick sample in the mail which was too dark for a whitey like me. I sent it to Paula along with a letter. With her coloring, it should look nice.

I lost another pound and so now I’m 128. That’s 4 pounds in 2 days! Haven’t done that in ages. As soon as I get stuck again, though, for a day or two, I’ll be back around 130. I still seriously doubt I can get to 125, much less below. Still, I’ll continue sticking to the 4 essential elements – limited cals, exercise, fiber, suppressants when needed.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2003 Tom didn’t go out today to save on gas so I won’t know if there’s any Mary mail till tomorrow. I hope Tom’s mom sent birthday money! I went and checked and found that she did mail it to me last year. I don’t know. I just get the feeling that she’s going to forget about giving me birthday money and us Christmas money this year. That’d be so, so cold of them if they did and even Tom agrees. I’d like to think they wouldn’t be that mean and selfish, but you never know. Due to the fact that they don’t like me and just gave us money, they may not want to give us anything other than the usual junk we can’t use or don’t want like t-shirts and pictures of my fat face.

It’s been a rather dry and warm winter so far this year. I even wear shorts at times during the day.

I wish somebody would give Tom a job! I had vibes about the library calling today, but they never did. Now I really can’t trust the job and stay vibes. I wish he’d get something, though, not just because we need the money, but because I’m sick of him always being here. Not that we’re fighting or anything. In fact, we’ve been getting along quite well and he hasn’t been snapping at me or getting impatient with me when I don’t comprehend something right away, but still, a person needs their privacy every now and then. I do get some when he’s asleep when I’m up, but it’s not the same thing.

Tom and I both agree that my not losing weight is more likely caused by me having too many calories and not enough exercise rather than by something being wrong. I’ve also come to agree that bread isn’t so bad after all as long as it’s within moderation because it helps me keep regular. I had thought that the reason I’d get stuck when trying to diet was because of the calorie cut, but now I think it was due to a lack of fiber in the diet. I still doubt I’ll ever get down to 125 or lower, but the 4 key elements in staying out of the 130s are definitely a well-balanced diet, exercising at least a half-hour a day, limiting my calories, and using suppressants to help me through the hungrier times. I really hope to hell the store-brand suppressants work just as well because without them it’d be so much harder. It’s like the difference between trying to quit smoking cold turkey versus using the gum to quit like I did.

Anyway, I made a total pig of myself the day before yesterday and awoke at 132 yesterday. Yesterday I cut it to around 1000 and awoke at 129 today. This is the first time in a long time that I lost more than 2 pounds in a day, and of course, I’m more regular now. I’m going to make it a point to have at least one sandwich or one potato a day to help keep it that way.

I decided not to bother getting any more incense from Walmart since it’s not all that great. I’ll wait till I can get the good stuff from Incense Galore again.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2003 Tomorrow marks one month without hearing from Mary if I don’t get anything in the mail at which point I’ll be calling her aunt to see if she knows anything. Or at least knows anything she’s willing to share with me. Meaning, if Mary’s dumped me for whatever reason and has discussed it with Carolyn, Carolyn may not want to be the one to tell me about it. As crazy as it may sound, I think I’ll be more disappointed if it turns out she hasn’t dumped me than I will be if she has, just like I think I’ll end up feeling more disappointed if we stay rather than if we lose the house. On the other hand, that’d all depend on why we lost the house. If we lost it to a smaller piece of land, then no, I wouldn’t be disappointed.

Other than that, there isn’t much new to report. Tom’s been working on setting up our website and has vibes about the library calling Tom tomorrow for an interview, but I don’t trust them. I’m not experienced with vibes like that as I am with tickets, vehicle trouble, sick spells and healing.

Back to Mary – I’m going to continue to send letters on each of the 3 Mondays left of December. Then, if I still don’t hear from her, I’m going to assume she has dumped me and just never had the guts to tell me so and neither did her aunt. Then she’ll be a closed chapter in my life like Andy and so many others. That’s just life, though; people come and go throughout our lives and as long as I always have Tom, that’s okay.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2003 Today was a sad day for me. This was the day Little Buddy died one year ago. He came to visit me in my dreams, though. At least I think it was him. How miserable it was to lose him, then, to add insult to injury, to have to go sit and hear about the poor, poor victim a few hours later.

The “stay vibes” are still holding. Right or wrong, I just hope we know what’s going on come New Year’s. This waiting and wondering certainly is getting old. I also hope I find out why I haven’t heard from Mary.

My ticket vibes are down so I haven’t been getting tickets. Tom has, though, against my better judgment, and sure enough, he’s been losing.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2003 Yesterday I put together the 550-piece glow-in-the-dark puzzle I got at Walmart. It’s pretty cool. I flipped it over, taped the back, and will put it up on either these walls or the walls wherever we’re going to live if we move. For a while, I had sure-set vibes that we were going to lose the house, but today I’m starting to have vibes about staying. They started right after Tom told me he applied online for a job at Casa Grand’s library. He applied for part-time in the evenings and on weekends, and because it’s a government job, it pays better. Like $10 an hour. If he can find an additional job that also pays well, then maybe we can stay here. We’ll see. There are pros and cons to both staying and leaving, like I said before. I’d like more land, to not have a house payment, and to get further away from people, but I do love this house!

I already packed most of the decorative items and non-necessities, so I’ll have to put those back if we stay, but I won’t mind. It’ll give me a chance to redecorate and I do like to go through things periodically to weed out old junk or shit I never use anymore anyway. We’re still going to have a tag sale even if we stay, but we may hold it in the center of town where it’ll get more attention. The only thing that will be a bitch to put back is the lacy valances. I’ll probably have Tom do it. He’s tall enough to hang the rods on the hooks anyway.

It’s been over a week since I’ve worked on my story. It also seems like they’ve stopped flying every other day, so maybe I’ll work more on it soon. I like to do it when Tom’s not home or is asleep, but we’ve both been on days lately. I don’t like anything around that could distract me.

Here come the renters. Even though it’s dark I can tell it’s them by the sound of the old dumpy truck they’ve been driving lately. They had gone out a couple of hours ago. It’s early yet, so they may go out at least once more.

Memolink gave me 50 birthday points which was cool. I’m up to 2426 now. I’m also signed up for daily freebie/discount emails and I play these scratch ticket games they have at one particular site. I don’t know if any of them are ever allowed to win, but I do it anyway.

I’ve been walking while I watch Kate, though only through the scenes she’s in. I know I should be walking more than 20 minutes a day and eating less than 2000 calories a day, but it’s better than walking 0 minutes a day and eating more than I do in a day.

I’ve officially named the gray and white rat Piggy since he’s quite an eater, and I’m just calling the brown one Brownie.

I’m going to have letters going out to Mary and Paula on Monday. I won’t stop writing Mary weekly till I hear from her. If I don’t hear anything by the new year and can’t get an answer from the aunt, then I’m going to assume she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore for whatever reason and simply doesn’t have the guts to tell me so herself. I don’t know, maybe she’d be afraid of me putting a spell on her. I agree with Tom’s number one assumption, though: she’s probably just broke.

I called Paula today from Tom’s phone and I swear I’ll hang up from now on if that sick cock she’s with is there! I call on precious time and money and she’s yelling, “Mind your own fucking business! She didn’t call here for you.”

The little paranoid shit thinks we’re lovers. It’s like, yeah right! What does he think we do, get it on over the phone?

Anyway, because of the lack of money and her screaming at him and Justin, I only stood on long enough to ask if she got the incense and about the spell. She got the incense, but as Tom said would be the case, it was all broken up. I told her to send me $10 if she wants me to ship more to her in a box. I’m sick of carting the bill here. She ought to pay some of her own shipping expenses for once. She needs to learn that I can’t just give, give and give. She’s got to give a little herself every now and then and do her fair share.

She never even asked about my birthday or said a simple little “thanks” when she confirmed that the spell I put on her did dissolve her cold. So now I know I can do long-distance curses and healing. I’m not surprised. I figured as much, after all. Mary’s silence pertaining to when I’d ask her about it kind of told me the answer, and besides, I figure that if you’re psychic, you’re psychic and so distance shouldn’t matter because psychicness is in the realms of the paranormal. Tom explained to me that because Mary believes in angels, curses would probably spook her, though she did ask me to make sick Todd’s little slut, so I don’t know.

Anyway, I did go ahead and enclose a small envelope made out from Paula to Incense Galore so she can get a free sample since that was no biggie, but like I said, if she wants more incense and CDs, she’ll just have to learn to give a little to get a little. I can’t be expected to do it all.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2003 The renters just returned for the second time since we’ve been home in their obnoxiously loud vehicle, and now it’s their dog I’m listening to, but it’s better than having bass-thumping freeloaders just a few feet away, and besides, we won’t be hearing them much longer anyway.

Haven’t seen lights on at night in front for over a week and they still haven’t set the other house down, much less put it together which is perfectly fine with me. Maybe we’ll be out of here before they’re occupied.

Instead of reporting today, I had a wonderful birthday, even though my birthday’s still 5 hours away. Yesterday was a rather shitty day. For the millionth time, God saw to it that we got ripped off. The unemployment check didn’t come yesterday like it was supposed to so we had to take our chances at the bookstore. We were forced to settle for the measly $18 they gave us because we needed gas. Meanwhile, we had well over $50 worth of stuff. They practically took all the books for free and they didn’t take all the CDs, claiming some were too scratched.

I know that since we’ve got a money-making curse on us that the bulk of the stuff we don’t want to take with us won’t sell, but I’d rather they stay here as freebies than come hog up the precious room we won’t have for a while if it’s just going to be shit we never use anyway.

I only got a couple of books and will order a couple more online soon.

Since we already know for sure that we are going to lose the house, we’re only making sure to pay for the things we need like the electric bill (thank God it’s not summer! At least he gave us that much) and the computer since that’s so much of a lifeline for us. We’ll also keep one of the phones going as well.

I still haven’t heard from Mary and I still don’t know why. I’d still think Carolyn would’ve called if something was wrong, but maybe she lost my new number. I plan to call her next week if I still haven’t heard from her. I know there have been gaps in her letters before, so I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation as to why she hasn’t written.

Again, I know it may sound strange, but a part of me hopes she’s dumped me for whatever reason, so I don’t have to deal with her when she gets out, although that may not be much of an issue if we end up in some other state or in the Kingman area. If we were in Phoenix, she could just run right over in no time at all cuz that’s where she’s going as soon as she gets out.

Did my last story spook her out that much or what? I’d hate to think she could be that much of a wimp, but she does spook rather easily. Despite the fact that it wouldn’t hurt me, since I’m so used to people coming and going from my life, it’d still be way cold and insensitive of her to dump me, if she has, at a time when my birthday’s coming up and we’re going through such a shit time when we need support and encouragement. Then to not have the guts to tell me so; that’d really be being a gutless wimp on top of having no empathy or compassion.

I don’t know, maybe someone’s been stealing her mail to me or she’s been having hernia surgery or is just super broke or super depressed. I hope to hell no inmate has harmed her in any way. Maybe she has a problem with my views and opinions on God which differ drastically between us, but that’d mean that she’d suddenly be radically different than the Mary I always knew. The Mary I always knew has been very tolerant and accepting of those who differ from her, so I don’t know why she’d suddenly have a problem with anything I’ve been saying in letters or journals, but people can change and turn on you. If that is the case, then hell, she could become a bigot towards gays next for all I know and I don’t want anything to do with someone like that.

Anyway, if it does turn out to be over something I’ve said, we are done. After all the years I was forced to associate with domineering control freaks who couldn’t accept others as they were, I really need all the more to be with people who let me be me and if that means only associating with Tom, then so be it.

Mary has gone back on her word once, though. Actually, she’s gone back on it several times. So many times she promised not to keep asking for things I’d keep telling her I either couldn’t or didn’t want to do before she finally got the hint. Then there was that time in jail, of course, when she told me she’d have no problem moving to the big cell if one of us had to go, and then she got all bent out of shape and acted like a spoiled little brat about it when it came time to put her actions where her mouth was.

I decided not to worry about my schedule even though they’re flying again because I’m going to have to worry about it during the move, so I think I’ll take it easy for now. Besides, I get woken up at least once a week in this house anyway, day or night.

Okay, now that I’ve covered the bad and trivial subjects, I shall move on to today’s fun shopping adventure. Like I said, we lost the house anyway, so we’re not worrying too much about money anymore as long as we pay for the necessities. November will probably be our last house payment, but they won’t start getting on us about it till mid-Jan.

We went to Walmart at around noon. It was packed, but because Tom knew where everything was and because we didn’t have to wait in line to use the self-check-out thing that everyone hates, we weren’t in there long.

I had to pick up a few things like popcorn and female stuff. He got himself some soda, and then, we got the Charlie’s Angels DVD! It is so cool to have the whole first season. I also got Hawaiian Ginger perfumed body lotion from Calgon. I tried a sample I got in the mail and Tom and I both agreed it’s nice. I chose the lotion over the spray because it was cheaper and because my dry skin needs lotion anyway.

I also got 3 25-packs of incense, along with a little kit that has cones and mini sticks. The cones are cool as they barely give off smoke and they don’t make the mess sticks do, but they only burn for 15 minutes. Still, I wanted to try cones and now I have. It came with a little wooden burner to put it in. Next to it are two small holes for the mini sticks. I guess this way you can mix the scents, though I prefer to burn them one at a time. They last longer that way. The 25-packs consist of oriental flowers & spices, rainforest, and aromatherapy scents. All the sticks are colored, but not all of them are labeled. The oriental ones aren’t, so all I know is that whatever the bright green stick is, it’s the best one in that pack. It’s either oriental woods or opulent opium. I like the cinnamon, strawberry and jasmine, but the sandalwood is just so-so. Of the aromatherapy packs, I’ve only sampled the serenity so far, but there’s also romance, refresh and strength. Then there’s wildflowers, rainforest and spring bouquet. I haven’t sampled those yet, either, but I have a total of 13 scents.

Our last stop was at the Circle K in Stanfield for snacks, but before that, we got two new rats! They seem very mellow so far. One’s dark brown and the other’s white with really cool dark gray markings. I haven’t come up with names for them yet. Little Fella was ever so happy to meet them and to have roommates again. It’s cute and funny how he always comes and nudges my hand when I go to pat the others, to remind me that he’s my number one. Little Buddy did the same thing when Little Fella was just a baby.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2003 My body did what it usually does when I get down to 127 and got stuck. In fact, this is the third day of it. The lack of shitting is preventing me from losing weight just as much as my slow metabolism is, so for the millionth time, I ask myself why bother? If my body wants to keep its weight, then I shouldn’t try to force it to do otherwise and try to make it into something it’s not. I’m having a hard time bringing myself to walk too, because it’s discouraging, though I know I should to at least be fit and healthy.

Tom just applied for a work-at-home job where you process internet orders. That’d be too good to be true; us working at home doing that for a few hundred each a week. My only concern with home jobs would be what we’d do as far as insurance goes. I guess we’d have to buy some kind of policy. Anyway, I’m sure it’s not going to happen, so why worry about it? How I wish to hell he could work at home, though, because that’d give us more options as far as where we moved to. If he worked at home we could move to more remote areas.

Later…

I finally got unstuck, but it’s too late. I’ve already been set back up at 130. Oh well. Better to bounce between 127-130 than 197-200. The extra weight will help the next time I get into a fight.

Anyway, we’re not going to the store today because he found out this morning that the unemployment check will arrive in tomorrow’s mail, so we’ll go then. That way we’ll have money in case they don’t buy much from us which would be just our shit luck. We may even get Little Fella a roommate, though nothing else till we know what’s going on (the mice are all gone now).

[namelessmewmew]

Old Art Archive Part 2.

Original captions under the cut.

Mentally and physically [my back is not doing great at all] I am not doing well and wanted to try to draw something really simple today so here is a pikachu oc I just made, probs will change their design a bit later but I do like their colours very much at least

Sylveon + Swirlix [Regular and Shiny] fusion/hybrid oc. Yeah I’m going to make alot of sylveon fusions/hybrid in the next bit just because sylveon is really cool. Uh dont have anything else to say.

Not so great attempt at a top down perspective [i think that is what it is called] + another test to try to get used to the rough lineart tool agaiI'm not sure but I think I have seen designs very similar to this?, Curly hair + big sweaters for tired/always sleepy characters is just a common thing right? Idk, but except some more chronically tired characters from me soon. I dont know what else to put here.n. Do think it looks nice other than the perspective.

For once going to ramble on for a bit I have had Ultra for quite a while [Since I was like 5 I think? Alot of the ocs currently in my gallery are like at most a few years old]. I don't have any previous drawings of her anymore [and some of her designs where never actually draw]. Originally she was a Super Mario oc, a Paragoomba with Rainbow wings, then a Flutterbie [Original species, a bunny butterfly basically, this design was never actually drawn] and now a human. Its not visible here but she has bunny ears on the hood of the hoodie, also I swapped the butterfly on her outfit for a rabbit to make more sense with the hoodie but also, so that I go with a butterfly theme for her husband [he doesn't currently have a name, his old name was literally just darkness, so I don't know what to go with now, maybe Violet? As their story is called Ultra Violet] Although I haven't talked much about the general lore about my original stuff, I redesigned her wand specifically to make more lore sense. Now that I think of it, basically all my human characters have wands but I haven't designed any of them other than hers yet. Wands come in all shapes and sizes and styles in my lore, but I trying to make at least one consistent part, being one big jem and a few small ones. The title might need make being an attack [think magical girl attack].

Drew the cat, then decided to be experimental [for me at least]  with the shading and shadow. Came up with a story for it while drawing it, I wont share it here yet as I want to make sure it makes sense and that I write it correctly but what I will say now is that purple cat [they are currently unnamed, I need to think of something] has had a very bad day and now had just lost their umbrella during a rainstorm. [I actually find rainstorms to be the most relaxing type of weather and so does this purple cat [at least] usually but just not in this situation]. Really like how this came out despite how rough the whole thing is.

I think my previous post actually might me get alot of frustration out my system [I haven't being so well home life wise but I feel weirdly better after that drawing with the purple cat]. So here is a 100% better and happier looking drawing. Another new design/character, I really need more black cat characters. Everyone should have more black cat characters because black cats very cool.

Took a really old sketch lying around in my wip folder and decided to try to remember where I originally wanted  go with the design. They are based on a Super Mushroom and Invincibility star [as well as a tiny bit on Mario himself,when I get to designing an outfit for them, it will likely be at least slightly mario themed]. Yeahs thats it.

Just a little thing with Cass, because I think I should draw my already existing characters instead of new ones, or very now and then at least, lol. Also love just how round and soft he looks, just like an actual small kitty :]

Random Autumn themed pony?? I guess?? Will probably tweak their colours later. Its nearly spring here not autumn lol.

Don't really have anything to say, uh a experimental piece I guess? Not really a vent just a piece I have had in my mind for a while.

warm-up doodles I guess, might make that middle doodle into an actual piece later today or tomorrow.

Background maybe clashes a bit to much to the rest but eh I felt like drawing some mountains. A experimental piece when it comes to the pose and perspective but  I really like how this came out and also really like the hair detail I did : D

Wanted to make a red and pink bunny so here is a random design,  probably going to them some markings because their design is a bit plain now. Really like how their eyes look : D. Im a bit surprised I don't have many bunny characters because I think they are very neat, especially albino bunnies [which this character is based on].

Character was designed by https://artfight.net/~Caskix as an artfight attack. Changed her design a little bit but overall like her design alot still. [Also golly heck, I used to be able to draw furries decently but cant really anymore , so going try to figure out how to draw them better again.]

Redesign of an unsold adopt. Might make a neater drawing/some extra stuff and sell them later [will probably be ota] or might keep them, not sure right now.

Redesign of Peaches [Might change their name but not exactly sure].  Saturated their colours a bit more and changed their markings a bit and I like their design even more now.  Also like how this came out in general, have been feeling off about my lineart lately so might do some more lineless or sketchy stuff.

[ladysophiebeckett]

okay i gotta talk about a very niche and dumb tiktok drama i just witnessed.

so maybe like a week ago the algorithm started showing me some guy in ny reviewing diners. he called his video series 'diners, diners and diners'. i like diners and im entertained by random reviews of places and even tho i never liked any of the videos, the algorithm just knows by time u spent watching it that u either liked it or not. so im getting these review vids along with more videos of this guy and im learning things like he quit his job 3months ago, a random bit about 'oh i havent been in the financial district since i worked here' (ew) (okay hold on) and then how takes public transportation to go play golf (ew, again) (the golf, not public transportation). and ur like 'why are u still watching this?' bc i was bored and i like diners and i thought he was charismatic. never followed him just would watch a random video.

lets continue--i get a video where he's wearing a suit and he's reviewing some diner. and he seems so, like....hmm upset ?? the food looked fine but he was just not happy at all. with anything. and he gave the diner a really low score. did i mention the suit?? (i think somebody had a bad job interview but what do i know).

i got the ick. and i was like 'i dont want watch his videos anymore' so the next time i saw his face and i just scrolled past really fast.

well. i just got on tiktok and i got new video video from him but it started off as an attack on some woman. and i was like??? he's accusing this woman (claudia oshry, a woman i literally just heard of who is internet known. she's the co host of some podcast called The Toast and has tiktok and is on IG) of plagiarising his video series where he reviews diners--reminder he calls it 'diners, diners, and diners'.

she, in a video with her husband, said ' (ben) and i are continuing our journey through new york city's greatest diners, diners and diners--' then she got a couple of comments saying 'i wonder where you got That Name from' and then a couple ppl start tagging his account in her video.

which brings me to the video of him that i just saw where he begins with 'welcome to another episode of diners, diners and diners: investigative journalism edition' (yeah, hold on it gets worse) then he claims (after googling her IG, tiktok, and podcast IG) she made him a target (???) then he called ppl tagging his account to her comments 'diner gang'. along with that, he found unflattering photos of her and put them in his video as he's talking about her (unfounded claims of plagiarism).

He screen recorded a video of Claudia responding to a comment telling her about his account and she said 'People are like 'you're stealing fm (Garrett)!' Who the fuck is (Garrett)?....' and I guess that didnt sit well with him. bc he started googling her, trying to find something other than unflattering pictures of her (fm before she lost weight mind you) and the only thing he could find is that she has an Islamophobic mother (Pamela Geller) who has been in the press in the past and then he implies\questions if Claudia used money her mother made off hate speech to fund her social media accounts??? Then makes a dig saying she must have something to hide since there are no pictures of her on IG of or with her mother.

Let's swing back to Claudia---No, she actually did not plagiarize this random man. Before she even offered a date of proof however, she learned that he blocked her (and her husband), called her a 'rat fuck'. he went on a 3hr tiktok live talking all about her and calling her 'ozempic queen'. Claudia claims 'hey this concept is just parallel thinking' (paraphrasing) but in the next video she's like 'he's actually stealing from me' showing photographic proof fm 2023 photo of her on IG eating at a diner with the caption 'looking for america's greatest diners, diners and diners'. her tone was joking bc she says she's actually a little afraid of him and is not going to engage anymore.

she only made two response videos. to his....two videos and 3 hr long tiktok live. and then in the first video he captioned it 'i love having enemies. locked in'.

so, he's insane.

[hieuthong]

ENTRY 7

BYOD (Bring Your Own Best Friend)

Last week one of my close friends asked me to join her for a Pilates class. I originally was going to turn her down because I was rushing to finish up my assignments, but I figured since I hadn’t seen her in a while (literally just 2 weeks) I’d just go for it. We’ve decided to first attend the Pilates class, eat lunch then finish up our assignments together. Pilates was lowkey kind of fun, but I found it a little bit difficult. Both of us were trying to hold in our laugh because our legs were shaking so badly when we had to stretch it out. This also made me realize that I should definitely exercise more because tell me why I felt so weak after that session… We weren’t that hungry, so we decided to ditch lunch and went to a café nearby to start working on our assignments. We procrastinated for quite some time before beginning, which prompted me on why I chose to write on this topic. No, this is not about my procrastination issue. It’s about my close friend that I’ve known for more than a decade.  

We saw a TikTok on how this group of friends grew up together and suggested that we look up our old YouTube channel to recreate it. So, I did, not only did we find our old YouTube channel but we also found our old Musical.ly account where we used to post videos together. We came across this post, and although the caption sounded cringy, but it made us realize how far we’ve come. We always talked about how long we’ve been friends, but it never really hit us until now. I would say back then we were friends because of forced proximity and also cause you know, as kids befriending someone is very easy since all we do is play but now we are friends because we genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

Me and Yong Qi alongside two of my other close friends have known each other since we were in kindergarten, so like when we were 4? We’ve known each other for almost 16 years, I have practically known them longer than my own sister. Putting them aside, today’s journal entry is about me and Yong Qi. Ever since I was young, I always felt that I was closer to Yong Qi compared to the others, not to say I’m not close to others but we just hung out more. I remember during primary 3’s year-end holiday, I went to her house every day to play. I don’t even know what is there to play, but we hung out every day. It was probably then that we created our YouTube channel. Looking back, we posted so many embarrassing things, but I guess it’s worth keeping the memories.

As we were talking about this topic, she told me that at some point during primary school she was convinced I didn’t want to be her friend anymore because I had new friends from my class, and to be honest I’m pretty sure I felt the same way. After primary school, we had to part ways with each other because we were enrolled in different secondary schools. During those few years, we sort of lost contact with each other. The only time we saw each other was when our family had our annual Chinese New Year dinner or when our moms went out with each other, and we tagged along. But even so, when we met up it was never awkward, we always had something to say.

Fast forward to after MCO, we started talking again and our bond has never been stronger. It was after my SPM and IGs that we started hanging out again. I would also say college played a big part in bringing us closer again because I had to take maths for foundation, and I absolutely suck at it so I asked her for help. We met up every few days to study and eat lunch together. But to be honest, I think even without that we would’ve been quite close. Ever since then, we occasionally go out together to the point where if we don’t see each other for a few days we’d complain about not seeing each other enough (do you see the attachment issue there). We always joke that we will never survive in a long-distance relationship because we can’t even stand being away from each other for a few days let alone years. As much as I don’t want to face reality, she has plans to study abroad so I’ll have to accept that and be happy for her. Of course, I’m happy for her but it’s just a bit hard to let go, seeing one of your closest friends leave your side but that time has yet to come so for now I’ll spend as much time as I can with her before she leaves me for another country </3</3</3 It’s crazy to think that we’ve been friends for so long, not a lot of friendships can last this long I’d say. Watching us grow side by side since we were toddlers, going through many weird phases, getting heartbroken by the smallest things, crying to each other about stupid things, and many other stuff, we’ve seen it all. The next stage is watching each other succeed in our desired profession, getting married, having kids, and many more to come. (I lowkey got emotional writing this) I’m so grateful that I was able to meet her, and I hope we can carry this friendship till we’re in our 80s or even death. One of my favorite Mandarin idioms ‘白头偕老’ which basically means to live together until the white hairs of old age or to live to a ripe old age in conjugal bliss until death do us part. Usually, this phrase would be used on married couples, but I think I’d like to think of our friendship in this way too.