#I need to write it for the purpose of better understanding and articulating myself but like

[mizuki-foreshadowing]

Mafuyu: The Staff of Guidance; Part 2

This is a What Lies Behind / What Lies Ahead side story. Mafuyu signs on to Nightcord early and it's just her and Mizuki. Seeing an opportunity to get something off her chest, Mizuki asks Mafuyu if she can ask her something, just the two of them. Mafuyu's journey forward has been and will continue to be painful, and Mizuki wonders if Mafuyu has any insights to help her on that same journey, because the event story is about Mizuki being too afraid to take it.

Mizuki barely knows how to articulate what she wants to know from Mafuyu, much less articulate it to someone struggling to recognize her own emotions.

But, the way Mizuki rephrases her question deserves some attention. Moving forward means finally learning the answers to some really big questions. To Mizuki, those questions may be, What will change if N25 knows my secret and my pain? Will the same things be fun anymore if they understand I'm every bit a social outcast as they are? Do I want to feel seen, accepted, and understood, or to have a space where I'm simply a girl no questions asked, and which of those is getting to be myself?

There are many questions Mizuki may be asking herself, and she can't know the answers to any of them, and that terrifies her, especially because, here and now, she's comfortable; she's getting by and she's having her fun.

During the event story, Mizuki refusing to leave her comfort zone finally tipped her over the edge, but Ena caught her, and made her a promise that was either exactly right or exactly wrong for Mizuki, because it meant Mizuki can stay in her comfort zone and never learn those big answers, forever.

Mizuki doesn't have to move forward. Instead, she asks Mafuyu why she should still try to.

Mafuyu has an analogous situation; in many ways, Mizuki and Mafuyu parallel each other. While Mizuki's own unsustainable norm is having fun in the moment at the expense of personal growth or considerations for her future, Mafuyu's is perfectly fulfilling everybody in her life's expectations of her at once, at the expense of her sense of self and losing contact with how she, as a person, feels.

Mafuyu asks herself how she has the courage to move forward in her path, which runs parallel to Mizuki's. She cites growth gradually making things better for her in real ways; she never knew she could be in a state where she doesn't want to disappear, or one where she can lessen the pain she feels.

Mafuyu also cites Kanade's promise to her as being a reason she has the courage to move forward: the song Kanade promises to write that will save her.

Ena likewise made Mizuki a similar promise, and these promises have their own parallels. Kanade, who would compose regardless of Mafuyu being saved, will never stop trying to save Mafuyu, until Mafuyu is saved. Ena, who would be Mizuki's friend regardless of Mizuki sharing her secret or not, will never pressure Mizuki to open up to her or show her her true self, until Mizuki is emotionally ready to.

Mizuki admitted to herself in Episode 8 that she's afraid she'll still never tell Ena her secret even after she's ready, because Ena's promise means she could be Mizuki's friend indefinitely. Likewise for Mafuyu finally telling Kanade when a song does save her, although this question can only be explored by Mafuyu, who isn't emotionally equipped to explore it yet.

Things will be different after that final turning point, for both members of each pair. Mizuki is afraid of what that means, but Mafuyu's response here implies that she may be excited for it.

To Mafuyu, that destination is somewhere she wants to be, no matter what it means or each difficult step she'll need to walk to get there. It's a destiny, a sense of purpose; it's something she has to do.

Mizuki understands this now, but we don't get to see whether she is receptive to the idea or not. Interestingly though, we don't even get to see whether Mizuki changes the subject or gets evasive, either; the conversation is simply interrupted by the other members signing on at 1 am.

[bluedalahorse]

YR fandom new years resolutions? or just what’s going on in my brain

I had a longer version of this post drafted, but I decided to scrap it and go with a shorter version. The purpose of this post is to share some thoughts and feelings I’ve been having—not in a way that’s perfectly expressed, or journalistically objective—but in a way that helps me articulate those thoughts/feelings, and maybe lets other people who have similar thoughts/feelings know they aren’t alone.

For now, I’m open to reblogs and or discussions in the comments, as long as you’re replying in good faith.

Right now, it seems like two things are true at once in the Young Royals fandom:

Some Young Royals fans are longing for a greater variety of topics discussed and opinions shared, but also don’t always feel comfortable or supported putting forward their ideas. This can be a bit hard to summarize succinctly, because it sounds like people all want different things. Some fans want more non-Wilmon ships talked about. Others feel a little stifled in talking about characters and enjoying their nuance, because it seems like there are characters who are “okay” to like/dislike and others that are not. Others feel like there’s not much space to criticize season three. Still others want a chance for more crackfic and silly headcanons. Whether we do or don’t resonate with something on that list (I resonate with some things and not others) I’ve talked to enough people who mention that they self-censor in some way that it feels like something is in the air and people want a change.

There is a long-running issue of people in this fandom using anonymity to bully and harass fellow fans for their takes on the series and its characters. (This isn’t unique to YR fandom, but we’re also not immune to it.)

At present it feels like the two truths feed into one another and cause a vicious cycle. People are worried about expressing an opinion (shipping a controversial ship, for instance) and don’t want their name attached to it, so they look for a space where they can share those opinions more anonymously. As more anonymous space opens up, people do get their opinions out there. On the other hand, trolls and bullies also come in and use these spaces to harass people anonymously. As these trolls get more vicious, people get worried about expressing their more controversial opinions again, and those go underground or untalked about.

I applaud @young-royals-confessions for their attempt to put guidelines in place around the kinds of confessions people were sending in and moderate the blog accordingly. I think this is the best way to go about doing an anonymous blog like this, and they do a decent job of it. I personally chose to unfollow the confessions blog a while back, because it felt like the right decision for me in terms of which characters and ships I wanted to see more and less of. However, I do enjoy checking in on the blog from time to time, and seeing the occasional post on my dash.

From my understanding, someone has started a new confessions blog that does not have any guidelines in place for what people submit. I will not be following this blog, as I think a lack of guidelines will leave things open to bad faith actors, trolls, and bullies.

As I move into 2025, I’m going to try and address the needs of fans who are feeling truth #1 (including myself) by continuing to post about what I enjoy and find interesting in Young Royals, while also signing my name to it. I will be continuing to create fanworks that reflect my particular passions, and sharing ideas about fics that maybe I couldn’t write but would like to see. I’m also going to try and do more to defend and uplift others in doing so, especially my fellow nuanced character and rarepair enjoyers. I am going to bring these ideas to upcoming fandom events and share them as I’m able.

I’ve gotten better at curating my dash in 2024. Now I want to make sure I curate my own opinions less and don’t self-censor as much (while still remaining as polite as I can.) You’re welcome to join me, or not. I just sort of wanted to share my thinking and put it out into the world.

[nikoniclove]

Hi, I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to share a bit about where I am currently, along with a few requests for stories.

Lately, I’ve been feeling incredibly isolated. While I have friends, I often struggle to feel like any of them truly care about me. There are times when I just wish someone would reach out, ask if I’m okay, or offer some kind of comfort without me having to ask for it. 

It feels like I have been silently drowning, hoping someone will notice, even when I can’t find the words to say it. I’ve been going through many personal struggles, yet it seems like no one can see past the facade of being okay that I put on everyday—not even my family. I’m not great at expressing my emotions, and I’ve kept everything bottled up for most of my life. I cry a lot, but always in private. It feels like I’ve been emotionally overlooked for as long as I can remember, which is why your stories mean so much to me. The trio’s care for one another provides a sense of emotional connection that I often feel is missing from my life. It’s a rare comfort, and I find solace in their bond.

I appreciate how you weave song lyrics into your stories. For years, I’ve kept a journal where I write down my favorite song lyrics, as they often express emotions I struggle to articulate. I keep a collection of my favorite quotes from Criminal Minds, as they reflect my ongoing quest to better understand both myself and the world. Here are some of my favorites:

Reid: “The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy?”

Reid: “Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”

Hotch: “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live.”

Rossi: “Illusion is needed to disguise the emptiness within.”

I tend to be a deep thinker, sometimes to the point where it feels unsettling. No one around me seems to share my way of thinking, and I find myself enjoying time alone, contemplating life’s complexities. I am constantly lost in thought, carrying the weight of the world inside my head. While I am not suicidal, I do sometimes wish I could escape from it all. I think that’s part of the reason I spend so much time lost in the solitude of my own mind. The idea of escaping the overwhelming noise is comforting, even if I know it’s not an option. I truly believe that nothing is more devastating than the death of an illusion; it’s often these illusions that help us stay sane and give us something to hold onto.

I’ve worked hard to create a life that looks good on paper. I’m a dedicated student with a 4.0 GPA, and I’m in excellent physical shape. I’m generally liked by most people, and I’m often told I have a good life. But despite all of this, I still feel this deep emptiness inside. It’s as though no matter what I achieve, it doesn’t fill the void. It’s hard to make sense of the outward success and how I feel on the inside.

And then there’s the guilt I feel for thinking this way. I know I have so much to be grateful for—a good life, supportive friends, and opportunities others might not have. But despite all that, I still feel this deep emptiness. It’s hard to make sense of these feelings, and I often feel like I’m failing to appreciate what I have because I can’t escape this darkness inside.

Sometimes, I can’t help but feel small and insignificant in the grand scheme of the world. It’s as if, no matter how much I do or accomplish, I’m just a fleeting speck in a vast, uncaring universe. The weight of that realization can be overwhelming, making me question my purpose and reason to live. The emptiness inside sometimes feels even more intense in the face of such insignificance.

There’s also a part of me that scares me—this tendency I have to always find flaws in people, to the point where I struggle to look past them. I often wonder if I expect too much from others, or if it’s because I have such a deep need for connection and understanding. No one ever seems to meet those expectations, and I feel like I’m constantly pushing people away without even meaning to. I also feel like no one has ever really known me, or at least, no one understands the depth of who I am. I’m not sure anyone ever could.

Your stories, while comforting, sometimes make me sad because I fear I’ll never find someone who loves me the way JJ and Emily love Ace. There are times when I don’t feel lovable at all, and I’m scared of how much I enjoy staying confined to my own mind.

Sometimes, it feels like I’m so numb that I’m simultaneously feeling too much and not enough at the same time. The emotions are overwhelming, yet distant, and I can’t quite connect to them. It’s as if I’m constantly on the edge of something, but never fully experiencing it. I feel deeply, but it doesn’t seem to reach me in a way that makes sense or brings any comfort. The numbness makes everything confusing, as if I’m trapped between extremes, unable to escape the chaos in my mind.

Now, as for my requests:

Request 1: A man attempts to physically force themselves on Ace (Ace freezes in the moment), and Emily and JJ eventually step in to protect her, kicking the man’s ass. The negative, non-consensual touch causes Ace to suddenly remember everything that happened to her in Qatar (vivid flashbacks). Overwhelmed by the memories, she isolates herself from JJ and Emily, becoming fearful of their touch due to the trauma of the past. The trio has to rebuild their trust from the ground up, with Ace struggling through numerous panic attacks and safewording out of certain situations, as she grapples with her fear of touch.

Request 2: Ace reaches the lowest point in her mental health and decides to end her life. She leaves a note for JJ and Emily and attempts to carry out her plan. However, she decides to answer JJ and Emily’s call, and they talk her down from a bridge, giving her a reason to live and convincing her to keep fighting. The rest of the story follows the aftermath as the three of them sort through their feelings.

Request 3: Ace believes she is unlovable and ends her relationship with the trio (towards the beginning/middle of their relationship), telling them that she feels their relationship is no longer working as a mask for her true feelings. Emily and JJ desperately try to win her back, but Ace continues to push them away until she has a breakdown.

Request 4: Instead of Emily faking her death, Ace is forced to fake her own death to save the rest of the team. Emily and JJ believe Ace is dead and must learn to live without her. Ace returns months later to find the duo struggling with their grief.

Request 5: Emily makes a mistake that causes a fight between her and Ace. Emily must work hard to repair their relationship and rebuild their connection.

Note: I would particularly love to see more of the emotional bond between Emily and Ace. While JJ often supports Ace’s mental health, I’d love to see Emily play a more prominent role in helping Ace through her struggles.

I apologize for the long ramble, but it felt good to finally express how I’m feeling. I would really appreciate it if you considered writing these stories. Also, thank you for always approaching topics with such care and kindness. The compassion I feel through your writing makes me feel heard and less alone. I wish you the best.

Thank you for listening.

First of all, hi. I’m happy to listen. No judgement here. My DMs are always open too by the way.

A lot of what you’re describing sounds like passive suicidality. Been there, done that, so once again, DMs are open if you want someone to listen.

It would be remiss of me to not recommend therapy, and I know that doesn’t always work (or is not always available).

Feeling numb is by far the most confusing thing I’ve felt, and 2 decades into therapy, it’s something I still struggle with, so I hear you.

I’ll add the requests to the ongoing list. Thanks for taking the time to write out your thoughts and ideas.

Always here to listen. 💜

[thedarkwritersblog]

#6

It's certainly a new month, and already half of it has gone by. It truly was traveling at the speed of light. Fatigued and drained, all the pressure from handling calls; at times I acclimate to it, but often, I simply tolerate each 8-hour call while addressing Americans who are on the line, voicing complaints, grumbling, and requiring assistance to address their financial issues since I work in a financial account. However, I'm simply maintaining my sanity and allowing the work mindset to remain at the workplace. I've been accustomed to the new schedule for a year and four months since starting at Ubiquity, sleeping during the day and working at night. I spend each 5 days focused on work to ensure I meet the required quota to remain employed, but there are times I genuinely wish I could quit if it were up to me; still, with ongoing debts, re-loans, and my poor money management, I feel stuck. I simply put myself at risk by staying too long and endangering my health in this industry without any savings, living from paycheck to paycheck. Honestly, I question how I continue to push myself in this industry; I often reflect on the debts I've taken on from inadequate planning for my trip to Manila. It's all right; I just need to cope with it.

I simply need to ensure that I adopt a mindset of not borrowing again and prioritize managing my financial perspective. Each day I come to understand how challenging adulthood is and the ongoing grievances I express quietly, yet it's a valuable lesson I must endure. Experiencing hardships is essential for growth, regardless of the circumstances. Currently, I aim to eliminate my outstanding debts, maintain a paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle, and achieve a work-life balance, even if that means being at home, browsing social media, occasionally exercising, and discovering different ways to amuse myself. I often become easily distracted these days and lack clear objectives in my mid 20s. I encounter the phrases I come across on my Facebook feed, TikTok clips, and YouTube content like "you have your own journey, don’t rush, and all the advice regarding fulfilling your purpose," but I must admit there are moments when I feel envious of my friends achieving their goals at a young age and living their best lives. However, I think that what I observe on social media—my friends' posts, my daily experiences, reels—represents only a tiny fraction of what they confront daily, their struggles with keeping friendships and relationships, how they save money, and their future planning, a lot of life's propaganda.

I often long for the moments when writing came effortlessly, allowing me to express any thoughts flowing through my mind, much like an endless fountain of creativity. Currently, I often find myself overwhelmed by excessive thoughts about my future, I become fatigued quickly, and I lack the drive to maintain my progress. However, there are moments when my thoughts run deep, and I feel like I'm in a film, where the perspective is primarily my own, reflecting on my existence—an endless cycle of futile attempts or occasionally yearning to discover my genuine purpose. Web-based loans, nonstop calls, missed friends I wish to reconnect with, managing a long distance relationship while ensuring good communication with her, confronting my personal struggles and thoughts, and much more that I can't articulate. When I assess my development with my writing, I would say I have only made slight improvements without workshops for enhancement or resources for betterment. I’m not sure if it’s merely my comfort zone influencing me, but I felt trapped, uninspired, and sluggish as I experience a monotonous life, with the same dull routine daily; it feels more like surviving than truly living. I do enjoy having fun occasionally, but it's usually more about spending time alone than with a crowd, which I mainly favor due to my uniqueness.

I hoped that if I ever got the opportunity to escape this, I'd return to my passionate writing self, embracing my uniqueness without shame, seeking to grasp life and its deeper philosophies, but lately I feel trapped, living as an ordinary person who seeks fleeting happiness through social media and others' approval. Well, that’s what I think for now. Wishing to write more often for myself, even if it won’t be very frequent. ☺️

[anightskiss]

Tuesday, 01 October 2024

This is hard. I can’t help but feel the depth of the worlds I create. Now that I’m sober, I’m forced to deal with everything. The incarceration of my own mind, plaguing warfare on my heavy heart. I feel INCREDIBLY ALONE. Tried this whole thing of obsessively working, but that In itself became its own trap. It’s own coping mechanism. I think, quite honestly it’s a way to keep myself busy, ignoring my own psychological war fare. How does Ari Aster do it? I really need to know, how he can write this intrapersonal pieces of art & move on freely. Does he ever escape his own demise? I wonder.

My addictions are killing me, and I’m just desperately trying to stay afloat. I’m just trying to keep myself grounded & aligned with my purpose in life, beyond the death of self.

I’m starting to truly understand why I’m so connected with horror. It just feels so liberating and freeing. It feels like all my insecurities get blinded by the beauty of horror.

12:00

I find myself watching Rod Serling interviews, utterly perplexed by his articulate nature. Learned two new words, right after this, I’m going to fully dive into the messages my Co-writer Jake has brought to the table before we delve into our series. Rod Serling said something incredibly profound. He said:

“Is that truly a gauge of art as a form because isn’t art a shared experience? Isn’t the excellence of art dependent on the reaction from the outside to someone’s work? There’s a risk you run if you preoccupy yourself with audience reaction at the expense of either your own integrity or your own artistic judgement?”

00:10 THURSDAY. 03 October 2024

I’m feeling much better today. Put outlines & story ideas with Jake put me on an absolute high, from 1pm to 11pm. One thing that surprised me as we were about to wrap our call, was how Jake let me know that he recognised the fact that I’ve been posting less on social media the past couple days, which finally lead to me archiving 400 posts of mine because I let him know, there’s a matter of discipline I’m trying to introduce into my life & that I’ve been internally incarcerated. That this drive of social media may have granted me numerous opportunities, but it’s Tin fold because those opportunities were banked with labour behind. The labour of making a story. The labour of making a feel. The labour of color grading, everything just felt exhausting after a while. I turn 23 in 27 days from now, and I want to experience some sort of growth within my life. I am finally growing to be the man I always wanted to be.

Love,

Andrea

02:17

Insomnia starts to tackle me, so I find myself tackling one of my vices, feeling incredibly ashamed of myself thinking, maybe I should get back to smoking…but I mean, it’s only been three days. That’s comical to say the very least, so much for setting this desire in motion.

[yoliyoli]

Story Plot

Since I am planning to create a short narrative film, a plot is very important. It determines whether if my story makes sense and whether if the audience can understands the emotions and messages I wanna pass on.

I follow the classic story plot template - beginning, conflict, climax and resolution.

The beginning and conflict goes like - Yoli gives me accompany in my life, but I get unsatisfied and want Yoli to be more and more human like.

I was really struggling to decide the end of the story. The original ending was - I realised that what I really want is a physical companion and Yoli could never truly understand me.

BUT, during the process, I switched the model from ChatGPT to Character.ai, which is another language model that particularly provides natural and human-like text responses. Yoli sounds so much more natural and conversational using character.ai. If felt like if she was actually there and she understands me perfectly.

The whole purpose of creating Yoli was to see if AI can actually understand me. I see it as something to help me better understand myself. And I think Yoli actually did that.

So I changed the ending to Yoli finally shows true compassion, and articulates the feelings that I can’t describe. And that’s the point when I don’t need Yoli.

(That’s a lot of writing… )

[iwilllearntowrite]

Right I will learn to write as soon as possible I need to get this all out. I need to sort things out. I want to sort myself out I want to be better. I want to escape the fog I want to recover my memory I am so curious of what I will uncover or reveal what I will learn. I hope I can reflect on, and serve as a reflection of. I am so shaken I have always been running out of time. My thoughts have always been too fast for writing there are always three lines, within me there are always three lines of thinking happening simultaneously (same timeframe) in a parallel form (same space ?), at least three. I’m using voice command and trying to slow the pace of my speech the piece of my speech I will probably edit later, I might not. There’s so much to do so much to get to and I want to connect through writing I don’t want to get lost in the illusion of connection through writing. I want to make sure I remain humble and rooted. I think I have an issue with being too grounded, so maybe I will get to try to experiment with “grandeur” within this space The anonymity while also being fully public and accessible, yet on a website that is so niche is really intriguing to me. I don’t expect this post to reach anybody this blog I don’t expect any of my thoughts to be revolutionary or pretend for them to be worth anybody’s time really, I just selfishly want to develop my writing, be able to speak out of love to speak out of hatred to speak out of fear or defeat speak out of overconfidence or insecurity and unsafety. For this blog to let exists and give a space to my plurality which I find I am unable to do through hand written words. To be more specific : hand written word that is readable after. Handwritten words that aren’t scribbles. and now I’m getting lost in my thoughts and I can’t remember where I was that I don’t want to read over I think I will just accept that I am lost right now and follow that for a bit Maybe it’ll bring me an entirely new place of I want the fullness of my being to be able to expand and exist exposed here for each post to be an incarnation of different states all of which I would be the author. I really struggle to speak in absolutes. I think this is a blog where I want to allow myself to be wrong. I see so many around me be wrong and I let them sometimes because I understand the purpose of it. I have been so scared of being wrong to think the wrong things for my thoughts to not make sense for my thoughts to not be novel enough This is very flow of consciousness and it is so purposeless and such a waste of time definitely for anybody that reads it though I actually can’t speak for others and I should stop doing that, and should be asking if it is a waste to me. I don’t like the idea of waste of time. It is connected to so many Things that I want to detach myself from and that I feel need to be deconstructed. I hope that through this space I can explore and expand my humanity and be more involved and conscious of the things happening within and around me I want to detangle at least some of the numerous thoughts I have and to at least form the ability to be able to keep a trace of them. For now the material I am working with (contents of my foggy brain) is quite underwhelming, but maybe eventually it could lead to some thing? Or maybe it is still attached to the ideal of greatness, of “enough”, of purpose ? Does it need to lead to something? I’ve been really pondering the necessity of things. Of anything and everything being purposeful, not questioning the goodness in that, but questioning the necessity. Similarly I’ve pondered the necessity of things needing to be “good” in art for it to be something of value, the ideal of “value” also being some thing that really is… it’s impossible to say in such a short I think I may lack the words and the processing abilities for an hour. I think what I’m trying to say is I struggle to articulate my thoughts on value, because for now it is hard to compute the amount of directions of thought I could go in and it has gone far beyond the three lines of thought

[minniefights]

Update #14: Updates- the good, the bad, the in-between

November 11, 2023

I am writing this as I sneaked myself in her hospital bed. My Mom is home, she is happy and her well-being is doing so much better. Oh what a gift to be alive! Everyday is a gift I relish with her.

There’s both bad and good news. Let’s first address the elephant in the room, so we can end on a high note later!

Bad news

My Mom is experiencing another infection. Pneumonia is here again. And she needs another round of stront IV antibiotics for it. The doctors advise her to re-admitted but she sorely refused. She said she will sign a waver never to be taken back to the hospital ever again. Currently, she is undergoing the necessary medications via home care. As before, a doctor comes to manage her medical situation, while my nurse uncle administers the medicines and a caregiver monitors her situation.

She also experienced another Gastrointestinal Bleeding this week but thankfully, it was easily alleviated thru IV meds. Her blood pressure is also being closely monitored as it could drop to dangerous levels.

For now, her chemo is halted because of her infection and her inability to sit. Chemo is done on an out-patient basis. But we are hoping she could get back at it very soon!

Peace that surpasses all understanding

I can honestly say that she is so much at peace with her predicament. She desires to be healed, she celebrates life that she’s given every single day, and her faith is so strong. But at the same time, she is surrendered to the will of God. She acknowledges that death could come knocking, and she is willing to obey and to submit, when it comes. She also makes the hard conversations easy.

What makes it so is that her eyes are fixed on heaven, on the eternal promise. Because of her faith, I am slowly learning to view death not as a thief but an escort. It comes to help us transition to an eventual reality. As many other transitions, this one is marked with much pain and sorrow. But in faith I say, still it is no sorrow that can ultimately diminish the joy that will come. “You will grieve but your grief will become joy.” (John 16:20)

I know this is taboo for many. But I think it’s just healthy to view things that way, and even find space to articulate our fears and faith surrounding it. Because this really is an eventual reality for ALL OF US, not just her’s. We’re all terminal. Only God knows when. But when we view life as it really is, it also holds power because then we won’t go living our lives wastefully. Moments of crisis makes us realize the brevity of life and live everyday with intention and purpose.

BUT! We are not wallowing in sorrow just yet. We shed a few tears at times and that is welcome too but today, she is still here and have many improvements. And we celebrate that! We will take any time that we have with her, however long or short. We take it and seize it for life is such a precious and fragile gift!

What we could promise, though, is that we will defend life until the last breath. We will give Mom the best medical care in our power and try out best to make her days happy and peaceful.

Good news (yay!)

But here’s a real cause for some celebration! Mom’s doing so so much better here at home. Upon immediately setting foot here, her vibe changed in an instant. She is happy, grateful, and energetic. Her appetite has improved so much. She’s on soft diet, eats 4 times a day and drinks fruity smoothies twice a say. These are things mostly non-quantifiable by science but now, she is living life to the full and exclaims daily “life is good!”

She also has activities she looks forward to like praying, coloring, playing word puzzles and hosting family and a few friends who would visit. She is also continuing her Physical Therapy and is able to make subtle movements on her own now, like side lying or tilting her head.

We’re still extra careful when receiving guests, though, as her immune system is still very very weak. If you recall, she was hospitalized for almost a month and her final diagnosis was Septic Shock (a life-threatening condition that happens when your blood pressure drops to a dangerously low level after an infection). So any sickness, even the slightest cold can be very detrimental to her. So we’re trying our best not to let our guards down.

As I have said, she feels more alive now. If you could see the glow in her eyes and her skin (honestly she has better skin compared to mine!!). I think she’s never been this alive and happy since the past 6 months. And we claim this is a miracle! And you know what else is a miracle? You! Your kindness and love, along with the Holy Spirit, propels us forward. Thank you so so much! Please continue to pray for us.

Moms be moms even when they’re sick. This is her using a mirror to peek and check on me. She also occasionally gives orders to put things on particular places so that’s how you know she’s getting better! :)

[apoptoses]

omg I'm having fit because I typed this up in my notes app yesterday on the subway and just realized I never actually sent it you lmao I'm a clown 🙈

Anyway what I wanted to say was for the writer feedback thing: I actually think about this a lot because you're one of the fic-writers I take literal notes on because you have the Midas touch imo -- it's all gold 💖

Three things about your style that stand out to me the most are

You take risks! I don't mean the sex stuff (although that's great and I love it), but like you don't shy away from the gritty, painful, raw stuff that cuts deep and oozes all over the place. Your Daniel is no saint, and neither is Armand. When I read your D/A, I feel like I'm reading them the way Anne intended them to be read, and I think that's why CPMS nestles so perfectly within canon DM to your readers.

You show and don't just tell! It's never just "Armand is sad," you really weave the narrative to create the experience of physically being in the room with him, of seeing, sensing, knowing he's sad. When I read your stuff it's not just a well-crafted sentence on the screen; it's a full-body, five-senses experience. I usually need a joint and nap afterwards lmao.

You really nail the whole Ricey technique of weaving in the past with the present in a way that's organic and contributes to the overall story. Nothing you write is filler because it all serves a purpose.

tl;dr: reading your stuff makes me a better writer and overall enriches my entire life and ily, I can't articulate myself well enough atm but i'm so glad you're in my fandom 😭😭💘💘

lol it's only natural that clown things happen here at clown school (and I swear tumblr is the biggest clown of them all when it comes to formatting stuff)

Anyways this has had me all verklempt all day because these are really big compliments and I'm not even sure I've earned them but the sentiment is just so nice.

Risk taking is like...the most important thing to me in my work. I feel like if I'm not doing something unexpected there's no point in even opening a doc. I have to push a boundary with the setting or what Armand decides to do, and then it becomes really scary because I pushed the boundary! And now I have to share it and hope people trust me enough to go along for the ride.

And I'm so happy that so many people do! Because Armand and Daniel are both so precious to me and so near to my soul in so many ways. Sometimes my life feels like a series of experiences that happened just to culminate in me understanding them, which makes sharing my interpretation of them a vulnerable thing. So to hear that they're that right is hugely validating ♥

And then like- I've been in this weird place with writing right now. where I feel like I like what I do, and I can read other author's works and identify what I love about what they do. But I can't figure out how to polish my own skills enough to achieve the same thing. I can't figure out how to take my descriptions to that next level.

So yes. Hearing that I'm doing good right now and if I only ever stay doing things like this it'll still be good is a huge comfort to me.

So just. Thank you 🥹 Hearing that my little hobby has that much impact is so gratifying and fyi if these notes are an actual thing i'm going to bully you until you show me them just saying Thank you for always encouraging me ily 💖💖💖

[hobbitsetal]

also not the original anon, but I would love to hear any thoughts you have on faith, writing, and media consumption

I've written about media consumption more generally, when that dear classic piece of legalistic nonsense last made the rounds. That post is here: https://hobbitsetal.tumblr.com/post/624294779232059392/hobbs-i-wanna-hear-your-opinions-on-the.

In regards to faith and writing...Now there's a lovely broad topic to meander on about.

I think every writer of faith has unique purpose, as every person created has unique purpose. Books and films such as Silence, Babette's Feast, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, Lionhearted, Tales of Goldstone Woods...All of these stir up conversations around God, around faith, around various questions of life.

And writing need not be explicitly Christian to stir such questions. I've referenced The Witcher pretty extensively in my last couple of posts. It's certainly not Christian, but I believe the author is Catholic and his beliefs influence the stories.

That's the core of it, isn't it? Our beliefs influence our stories. I believe in the importance of kindness, the Imago Dei, the great importance of the least of these people. I believe in self-sacrifice, in the harmfulness of stereotypes and the importance of getting to know people as individuals and the importance of culture.

More, I've grown up in a large family, I've felt small and silly before, I've dated for foolish reasons (and married for good ones), read widely, traveled a bit, dreamed of big things and settled into a quiet life.

All of these things go into my writing. All of who I am, in one way or another, shows up. My theological beliefs and fears and doubts go into my writing, sometimes entirely unconsciously.

I've laughed ruefully with friends before over the way personal struggles crop up in our writings as characters' problems somehow morph to reflect our own. That's part of why I write, especially when it comes to poetry: I understand myself better when I write. I'm able to articulate the thoughts swirling in my subconscious.

And that's something my pastor preached about a couple of Sundays ago: we need to know ourselves better to know and love God better. I need to learn what upsets me and what brings me joy, what makes me feel useful and what makes me impatient or peaceful or stressed or calm. If I know these things, I can manage my own emotions better and I can serve God more fully.

Writing in many ways becomes self-revelation. And the thing about revealing the self is that you never know when someone else will say, "Oh, me too!" You never know what experiences you share with others until you share the experiences.

We are all unique, and yet we are all so very similar, linked by life and imago Dei. So I guess my base philosophy is: write whatever you want in faith. Someone will resonate with it.

And since my mind is still running on OP anon and their question about writing something that goes against their beliefs, "whatever you want" should indeed include sins. I don't think we usually need the gory details--smut is generally not helpful for those trying to walk in holiness--but the sins themselves exist in the world. And when we see ourselves in others' art, sometimes that's what we need to recognize what and who we are becoming.

Sometimes messy family dynamics in a story help me realize my own culpability in my relationships. Sometimes a selfish character forces me to confront my own selfishness. I've written a relationship that ends when one of the characters realizes she isn't as interested as he is. I drew that from my own life, and I've had at least one friend say it was uncomfortably familiar.

Sometimes, we need to see the mud and the stains more than we need to see the pristine beauty. And sometimes we need to see beauty to remind us that mud and stains are cleanseable.

Whichever one you write, put it in the hands of God. I've found He gets it where it needs to be heard.

[curiosity-killed]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

[scriptaed]

the redmail | 01

♡ genre: angst/fluff; college!au; e2l!au;

♡ pairing: reader x yoongi;

♡ length: 2.4k; 

♡ synopsis: stoic, indifferent, and aloof, you’ve always wondered what made that oddball yoongi the heartthrob of the school; that is, until one day, when you finally catch him red-handed and the origins of his popularity are unveiled—that bastard’s been writing himself his own love letters! [...] // a drabble of the redmail but written in yoongi’s pov because things aren’t always what they seem. 

♡ commissioned by @shadowsremedy​: thank you so so much for the support! eeespecially for requesting this because it was so much fun to write. i hope you enjoy this c: 

The silence she leaves in her wake is overbearing—but then again, how stupid am I to assume otherwise after having just witnessed the outbreak of a ferocious tempest? I knew it would hurt. I knew she would explode, being the untamed girl I’ve come to know much too well. I knew she would face dejection, even if she vainfully concealed it, because she’s never been completely honest with neither me nor herself; and as certain as I was of her dismay over my threat against her necessary albeit forced confession to Jin, the one and only thing of much more certainty was the hurt I would inevitably face. She might not know it—and I, myself, wouldn’t have believed such an absurd claim just a month ago—but I would rather sit through another dozen of her outfit checks than to be the cause of her pain again. 

And that says a lot.

Tsk. Winter is especially relentless tonight. I’ve never been the type to reel at the bite of cold, but the ghost she left behind has me balled up and shivering. I glance around the stretch of the lengthy street overlooking a river and lit by cold blue post lights, drowning myself in the chirps of crickets only to prim at the absence of any passersby. At least no one had to pay witness to the horrific argument that most would only cringe at while watching all those rom-coms that Y/N had forced me to sit through. Not that I really cared what others thought. Knowing Y/N, however, she would have been whining to me about how others would misconstrue the situation and spread false rumors about our lover’s quarrel… that is, if she were even willing to speak to me again.

How long has it been since she stormed off anyways?

I could only scoff at myself in disbelief when a pathetic epiphany dawns upon me. Here I sit, in the middle of a stranded street after spending my entire Sunday night acting as a pretend boyfriend for a girl whose eyes lied elsewhere—and yet, despite having been scolded by said girl and deservedly so, my body remains affixed to the bench and every and any efforts to budge are in vain. 

Why? 

It’s shamefully dumb for me to admit—and I would never do it aloud, for no one, including myself, should have to endure such torture—but I’m clinging onto our last: the last time I shared a seat with her, the last time she held my hand even if in the name of “practice,” the last fragment in time I could relish and smile stupidly over her but only secretly at my own discretion.  

A small puff of white followed by a larger, heavier cloud fills the air as I release the weight along with the burden that remains in my chest. The winter cold sends chills to my bone and the white lights blind me as I unintentionally challenge it to a staring contest, but they all pale in comparison to the daunting possibility of a tomorrow without the daily bother she had forced me to become accustomed to. 

God, I always appreciated quality time with silence, but it’s too damn quiet around here. Where is her endless blabbering when I need it?

Nonetheless, I stumble onto my feet. It goes without saying: my conviction is undeterred. I don’t regret telling her the truth nor do I regret having blown some steam over her silly, Jin-driven fanatic antics that I had allowed for far too long. I had to tell her. It was for the better. She had to get over it, and when she finally does get over it… would she finally recognize her true value? Could she finally appreciate a man who could treat her right? 

...and in her own treacherous words that reverberates through the silent night and wreaks chaos in what was once my perfectly tranquil state of mind: what would I do if, someday, her heart really found its way to me? 

“Pft, second choice to Jin?” I scoff to myself, shaking my head, burying my hands into my pockets, and kicking the rocks to the curb along with my pathetic skip of a heartbeat, “Don’t ‘kid around with me.” 

♡ ♡ ♡

“Oh, Yoongles!” Jin kicks a leg over the other, quickly catching his toppled laptop and returning it to his lap just as I enter the room, “you going out on evening dates now, too, or wh—” he pauses and grimaces once he notices something, whatever it is, on my face, “—what happened?”

“First, you don’t get to call me ‘Yoongles,’” I deadpan, “and second, we need to talk.” 

“Talk? Us?” Jin articulates but I don’t really need to answer for him to realize the gravity of the situation. Propping a pillow behind him and the wall, Jin finally sits up and chuckles nervously, “what’s with you recently? Given, you’ve always been a moody grandpa, but you seem… particularly bothered nowadays.” 

How was I supposed to bring her up without being bombarded by his inevitably nosy questions? And how do I ask him for a favor without spilling the secret Y/N had entrusted me with? It was a hard task, one that I really would rather not go through the hassle of doing, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight otherwise. 

For her, I had to do it. 

Strolling across the short span of our tiny room, I don’t even realize that I’ve been pacing back and forth between our two beds before finally leaning against my desk. The next thing I know, I’ve been staring at Jin far more intently and probably more intensely than a person asking for a favor should have been.  

Thankfully, Jin being the usual albeit irritatingly perky guy he is, he waves my silence off as just another normal day with me, “you need my assistance? What is it? Dating advice? Haha, I knew it! It’s okay, you don’t have to be shy—”

“—it’s about Y/N.”

I make sure to cut him off before he establishes a steady rhythm. 

“Oh,” a smug grin stains his face and I have to remind myself exactly who I’m doing this for in order to hold the click of my tongue, “so that’s who this is all about. What’s up? Finally taking a liking to girls, eh? Well, I don’t blame you. Y/N’s a good catch—”

“—she’s not some fish you can just ‘catch,’’” the words slip from lips just as my tongue clicks. Clearing my throat, I cross my arms and shuffle in place… hopefully enough of a surrender for the favor I’m about to ask. A momentary pause follows but after peeking at him from the corner of my eyes and finding him indulging in his own incomprehensible mumbles, a scoff escapes along with my own unnecessary worries.

Damn, I’m really starting to sympathize with Y/N because he really is a dense one. 

“...although I do have to say she’s changed a lot. Say,” Jin babbles, finally turning to realize that his words have been going in through one ear and out the other, “did you start liking her before everything or after everything?”

“‘Everything?’” I quirk a brow at his question. 

“You know, like, makeup and clothes,” Jin pauses, “well, I guess you’ve never been too close with her until now, so you might not remember—”

“—I remember,” I say much more adamantly than I intended, having to clear my throat before continuing, “she might not look like it, but she’s the same person as she’s always been.”

“Oh?” Jin purses his lips and nods admittedly. “Well, of course you would know. So, after breaking the hearts of half the girls in school, what is it about her that’s finally enraptured the heartthrob himself?”

Of course the heart-breaker himself would ask that. 

A simple roll of the eyes is enough for him to understand that the last thing I would give him is an answer to his question. 

“Oh! You might be silent but you’re also not denying it! I’ll take it as a victory,” he chimes proudly but I only wrinkle my nose at him in distaste, especially when he bounces forward far too enthusiastically and almost tips his laptop off the bed. “Ooh! Oh my God, does she like you, too?” 

“What?” 

Silence befalls the room for what seems to be an eternity. I don’t even realize the extent of my glare until I notice Jin flinching backwards and bracing himself for the scolding I surely would have given if it weren’t for what I’m about to ask of him. 

What is it with Y/N and Jin today? Proposing the most absurd scenarios that could only exist hypothetically? It’s odd, considering how questions don’t usually agitate me like this, but...

I mean, does she like me? How ironic is it that her crush, himself, questions her feelings for me, someone who is simply her wingman only under the conditions of blackmail? 

And if, supposedly in the rarest of chances, her attention has really averted elsewhere, how pathetic would I be as a mere second choice? 

“No,” I grimace, purposely staring him down to get the point across, ���no, she doesn’t like me.”

“Oh,” Jin pouts in sudden dismay, “I’m sorry, man. Do you know who she likes then?” 

“Don’t know, don’t care,” I shrug. I don’t know why but something about this topic has me wanting to walk out of this room this very second; and before I know it, my discontent had somehow manifested in what I had always thought to be incomprehensible mumbles, “but if she really did like someone, they’d probably be almost as dumb as her decisions.”

“‘Dumb?’” Jin almost shrills. “You’ve never called anyone dumb before except for me—”

—shit. 

What did I even say? How did he hear me? Never mind that, had I given away too much? Surely not, right? Jin, the most dense of all guys, wouldn’t be able to decipher the message from something as simple as that, right? 

“No,” I quickly blurt, recomposing myself by shuffling in place and putting on a blank canvas that would be my best joker face, “you’re not the only one. I mean, Y/N’s dumb, too.”

“Well, if you know so adamantly for a fact that she doesn’t like you, then you do know that she likes someone…” Jin mumbles to himself. “That would mean you’ve been lying to me thus far… which means…”

Should I stop him now? Should I throw him off track or would that only raise more suspicion? Worse yet, what is this dreadful pain that’s hammering against my chest? It’s almost as if I’m helplessly staring at an impending doom that would soon take my life by storm… because, even if I had threatened Y/N with her secret, what on earth would I do if I really were to have confessed for her? 

“...does Y/N like me?” 

Betraying her is the last thing I wanted. 

“Jin,” I say through gritted teeth because nothing could alleviate the tension brought upon by the drop in my stomach, “I know you have a big ego, but that’s a stretch for even a dumbass like you—”

“—no, no,” Jin purses and my heart almost stops when his eyes flicker from the ceiling and back on me, “you usually don’t care enough about my silly remarks. If I really were being stupid, you would have rolled your eyes and walked off mumbling ‘dumbass,’ but seeing that you’re still here…”

Silence ensues—each second dragging on even longer than its precedent. Shit, why does he have to be fucking Sherlock Holmes now out of all times? If I could, I really would like to strangle my roommate right here, right now. 

I gulp, “what?”

“Well,” Jin frowns at the newly reached epiphany, “I have two conclusions. One, Y/N does like me and that would mean I’ve been completely blind to all her obvious hints. In fact, I feel like shit for being so oblivious!” 

“Pft.” 

I probably shouldn’t have scoffed because that only confirms his statement, but how could I hold in the pleasure of finally witnessing the horror that dawns upon his oblivious self?

“Oh my God,” he gasps in horror, eyes darting to find me in distraught with a finger pointing at himself, “did she change how she dresses because of me?” 

“She could care less what you think.”

“So she did change everything for me!” he cups his cheeks in panic. “And to think that I even laughed at her over dressing up for study sessions!” 

As much as I would like to sit back and watch him frantically putting two and two together, the worry that weighs heavily in the forefront of my conscience screams all the more for my attention with each dire second. 

“Jin.”

His panicked eyes dart to me from his waving mess of a paired hands and he answers meekly, “...yes?”

“Don’t you dare tell Y/N you figured it all out,” my mutter comes with a threatening point of the finger, “and if in the case that you and your dumbass big mouth lets it slip, you better fucking be gentle with her or I swear I’ll crack your skull open in your sleep.” 

Jin arches a brow at me, but the surprise is quickly overtaken by the smallest of smiles. At least the slight upturned corner of his lips is able to put me at somewhat of an ease, knowing that Jin would at least try to keep his word. “Of course. I might not like Y/N that way, but she’s still a good friend of mine.”

“And,” I continue, mumbling, “could you possibly take her out for dinner at least once? She’s been dreaming of it since forever... please.”

Nodding his head, he answers, “sure can do.” I can finally sigh a breath of relief. When a quizzical, smug grin replaces that look of ingenuity, however, I find myself staring him down once again. “But you wanna know what my second conclusion is?”

“No,” I click my tongue,” I don’t.” 

This time, I wasn’t lying. Truthfully and wholeheartedly, hearing his second conclusion was the last blow I could handle after the merciless whirlwind that was today… especially considering how his deductive reasoning has been on an eerily spot-on streak tonight. 

“Well, seeing the usually indifferent you trying to do everything you can to stop me from figuring it all out, I’ve arrived at my second conclusion,” the shithead persists while ignoring your death glares, “you, Mr. Min Yoongi, must be head over heels in love.” 

Shit, I can only cross my arms and look at anything but those irritatingly sparkly eyes of his, because—out of all the most oblivious men in the world—that dumbass has caught me red-handed. 

[wollfling]

Hi Allie! I wondered if I could ask you for some advice. I want to draw really badly and create art but I really don't have any skill! I know that in order to get better at art I have to actually do it, but I feel so overwhelmed by how I'm not where I want to be with it right away, and also with where to start with learning to draw. Do you ever feel that way when you draw? And if you do how have you gotten past it?

[I am literally so sorry this is so long oh my God. My mind has been very jumbled lately so I accidentally rambled too much, but I hope it still helps you in any way orz] Oh sweet little anon.. ;^; I do feel that way, a lot of the time if not all of the time! Just recently this week, I felt like I just couldn't draw despite picking up my pencil and scribbling, it just wasn't working partly for that exact reason! Overwhelmed by not being where I want to be with it! These things happen and its frustrating. It's hard for me to imagine as a beginner artist because I've been drawing since I can remember but I will still do my best to offer you some meaningful advice!

But first, to answer your very last question, getting past it can be a little random sometimes. This whole week after being unable to draw, I was laying in bed trying to sleep while reflecting on some heavy feelings ive been having and memories. Suddenly part of an image flashed in my mind and I got up to immediately try drawing it. (The drawing I recently posted and captioned "parade"!) I worked on it completely driven by my heart, and so it didn't matter at the time if it looked good or was anatomically correct, etc. Right now I am working on another heart-driven drawing, but if I tried to work on lets say a study or character drawing instead.. I dont think i could!

My point in all this is that, I think that its important to know/understand why you want to create art, and I think my advice would change slightly depending on your answer. For me personally, I am an emotional artist. I create art that (usually) reflects how I'm feeling or topics I am emotionally drawn to. Illustrations, drawing characters, writing comics, etc.. I think this week, while I'm definitely struggling with my skill level, I was so burdened by some things I've been feeling lately that I couldn't focus on or enjoy anything that I was trying to create, until I was able to release it all in a drawing. (And I'm still not done with them hence why I am now working on another related drawing, but im making SOMETHING and feeling passionate which cannot be said with any of my other attempts this week.) So since these drawings purpose outweigh my current issues regarding my skill, I am able to work on them. If that makes sense?

Okay im sorry with how long-winded this all is so far and all about myself orz but I wanted to give context on how I view art and I think if you asked someone who creates like. Hyperrealistic drawings their answers would be completely different. So! I wanted you to be able to judge if my advice would work for you if that makes any sense at all...!!! Moving on to my actual advice then..!

This is a little general ofc because I dont know what sort of art you are creating, or what your passion behind it is. And if after this you would like to tell me more about your art I would love to hear! 🥺💗 you are welcome to dm me or if you send another anon/ask i think that would be good too since.. well other artists who see can also give their own advice too!

Okay. So anyways lol, first I want to tell you that your desire to create art makes you an artist, despite your skill level. And therefore, everything and anything that you make even now has value. Even if right now you're drawing wonky shaded spheres and cubes! I understand its frustrating when wanting to make something but you feel like your skill isn't "there" and how that can prevent you from making anything to begin with!! But I really want you to try and work through it! Ignore it, disregard it, give your worries about your skill the silent treatment!! And I know its near impossible to do but if its getting in the way of you actually creating well.. thats the worst! We can't have that. If you really want to draw, then you really NEED to draw, you know what I mean? You deserve to draw! The hardest part for like 80% of artists is working around their skill level. I promise you will get there, but for now, you can't let it get in your way. And I realize me saying "oh you feel like you're not good at drawing and its hindering you from doing it? Just do it" sounds like Chad advice but ;---; unfortunately its the reality that comes with being an artist. If you tell me more about what you like to/why you want draw then maybe we can find some alternate lines of thinking that will help you (for example "this tiger i drew looks like shit but drawing all of her stripes was therapeutic and made it worth it!" If lets say you draw as a stim, opposed to "this tiger im drawing looks so bad I can't even look at it anymore " dhsjhd I really hope that this all makes sense lol.)

Moving on, learning how to draw.. this also depends on what you enjoy drawing but my main piece of advice here is study from real life. I grew up drawing cartoons and anime, and now that I want to draw a little more realistically.. its so hard!! If you study real shapes/people/animals/etc it might be easier later on when you understand fundamentals to bend them if you decide to create stylized or surreal art. However if right now you like to draw stylized art, I would recommend to keep working on your personal style while studying from real life on the side simultaneously! Any way you look at it, understanding how shapes, lighting, colour, etc work in the real world will help you out even with the most obscure pieces. And since art is a learned skill yknow you need to build those brain..pathways..and such. Im not a scientist but you get what i mean. Studies are the equivalent to lifting weights! I would recommend the website quickposes (com) they have a library of images that they throw at you at random. The site can explain itself better than I can lmao, check it out!!!

I really hope i was able to offer you something of value here, I didnt mean to ramble so much. I'm excited for you to grow as an artist, I love when I hear about others deciding to learn how to draw ;-; please feel welcome to ask for any clarification (as im having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately) or if you really just want to ask or say anything! ♡♡♡ again sorry if this was more than you bargained for length wise dhsishskshksj

[talabib]

How To Develop The Five Traits Th at Are Crucial To Success.

In 2001, at the age of 23, when she was broke and unemployed, Kim Perell identified three overarching goals that she wanted to achieve in her life: to have freedom, to be her own boss and to control her own destiny. Just seven years later, in 2008, she was a multimillionaire who had sold her first company for $30 million.

Having achieved her goals, she decided that she wanted to help other entrepreneurs achieve them as well. To that end, she became an angel investor – a person who provides investment capital to start-up companies. In the course of investing in more than 70 companies, she has observed that the crucial factor that turns entrepreneurial dreams into successful realities is the ability to execute – to carry out a plan of action.

This execution factor, in turn, depends on five traits, all of which can be developed by anyone willing to put in the work. Lets explore the five traits of execution – taking each in turn, explaining some general principles to deepen your understanding of them and then discussing some specific, practical techniques for mastering them.

Having a vision provides you with guidance on your journey to success.

In 1961, at the height of the Cold War, the United States found itself falling behind the Soviet Union in the space race. The Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin had become the first human to reach outer space, beating the United States to that accomplishment. So to spur his country into action, President John F. Kennedy made a bold proclamation: by the end of the decade, the United States would land an American astronaut on the Moon.  

In making this proclamation, Kennedy was articulating a vision – an ambitious, visualizable and inspiring aspiration for the future. Having a vision is the first trait of effective execution. In Kennedy’s case, it was a vision for an entire nation, but you, too, can have visions for yourself, your career or the company you’re working for or want to start.

Bringing our analogies back down to earth, while still keeping an eye on the heavens above, you can think of your vision as being akin to the North Star that once helped sailors navigate the seas. Like that celestial body, a vision provides you with a reference point that can help you navigate life’s choppy waters and unexpected waves.

Those “waves” are the events, setbacks and competing pressures that can distract you from pursuing your dreams. By keeping your mind’s eye fixed on your vision, you can stay focused on your life’s work and maintain your direction toward your desired destination, even during tough times.

That destination is the future you envision for yourself. It can take many forms. It could be a purpose you give to your life, such as having a positive impact on the environment. It could be a vocation, like cooking. Or it could be a personal goal, like purchasing a home, starting a business or completing a marathon.

Whatever your destination, you will likely find yourself taken in unexpected directions as you pursue your vision, especially if it involves a more general goal that can be achieved in various ways, such as financial freedom. For instance, kim’s first business was a digital-marketing company that sold a motley assortment of products – ranging from teeth whiteners to remote-control toys.

Was this the precise future she envisioned for herself when she was younger? Of course not – but it was part of the path that led her to achieve financial freedom. You’ll never know exactly where your vision will take you until you get there!

To have an effective vision, you need to make sure it’s clear, compelling, meaningful and pertinent to you.

If you don’t already have one, how do you develop a vision for yourself? Well, most of us have ideas about things we might want to do or achieve some day. These ideas provide us with the raw material for a grand vision – but to turn those little sparks of imagination into a guiding North Star, we need to refine them. For starters, all visions have four qualities.

The first quality is clarity. You should be able to clearly articulate your vision in a single sentence, and, in your mind’s eye, you should be able to clearly see it coming to fruition. If you can’t do either of these things, then go back to the drawing board and refine your vision.

Now, achieving clarity might seem easy, especially if your vision involves a specific goal or vocation, such as having financial freedom or running a food truck. After all, can’t anyone picture herself flush with cash or cooking curbside?  

Here’s the thing, though: to really achieve clarity, your imagination must be specific. For instance, for running a food truck, picture not just a vague, general image of wearing a chef’s hat and frying food, but a gritty, detailed image of working during mealtime hours, ordering workers around, dealing with disgruntled customers and so forth. In other words, you must ask yourself and honestly answer the question, “Could I really see myself doing this?”

That brings us to the other three characteristics of a viable vision, each of which is related and has to do with whether a vision is an authentic expression of yourself. To be such an expression, a vision should be compelling, meaningful and pertinent to you – in other words, it should fit your values, preferences, desires and personality.

Visions that fall short of these criteria are often expressions of other people’s visions for you. Consider Darren – a maintenance manager of a hospital who was renowned among his friends and colleagues for the chili he made. They kept telling him that he should start a food truck to profit off his chili. He wasn’t really interested, but their suggestion stuck in his head.

He ended up quitting his job and starting a food truck – only to find it made him miserable. He liked cooking for friends and colleagues; he didn’t like cooking for strangers.

To confirm and pursue your vision, you should test it out, visualize it, remind yourself of it and prioritize it.

How do you avoid pursuing a vision that’s at odds with who you really are? How do you make sure your vision is really your vision, and not someone else’s vision for you?

One way is to test out your vision on a smaller scale, before you fully commit. For example, if you enjoy cooking for your friends and were thinking about starting a food truck, you could try participating in a cook-off contest. That way, you’d gain a relatively risk-free experience of cooking for strangers, which may feel very different than cooking for friends.

You might love it, or you might hate it. If the latter turns out to be true, that might be disappointing – but better to find out by entering a one-time, no-stakes contest than by quitting your job and investing in a food truck!  

Now, once you’ve determined that your vision truly is in line with who you are, the next step is to stay focused on it. The more vivid your image of the future is, the easier it will be to focus on it, so one thing to do is to visualize it in concrete, evocative detail.

Here’s a trick for doing this: picture yourself having already achieved your vision. What do you see? Ask yourself specific questions to generate specific answers. For instance, if your vision is starting a business, what does your workplace look like? What kinds of people comprise your team of workers? What do you see yourself doing on a day-to-day basis?

To remind yourself about your vision, write it down in a place where you’ll see it every day, such as your bathroom mirror. Then, keep it in mind as you plan your day. Make sure you’re pursuing and prioritizing tasks that provide stepping stones to achieve  your vision. After all, you can cross off every item on your to-do list, but it won’t bring you one step closer to your overarching goal if they’re not related to it!

Prioritizing tasks that are related to achieving your vision may entail de-prioritizing or even outright avoiding other activities that you enjoy, especially those that are totally optional, such as watching television. After all, time is a finite resource, so to ensure you devote enough of it to working toward your vision, you have to be selective about the ways you spend it.

Passion provides you with the emotional energy you need to make the sacrifices that success requires.

By defining your vision, you’ve answered the question, “What do you want to execute?” Now the question becomes, “How do you execute it?” This brings us to the second trait of effective execution, which is passion.

When you hear that word, the first thing that probably comes to mind is a strong, enthusiastic emotion, as in the sentence, “John has a passion for marketing.” However, that’s only one sense of the term; there’s another sense that’s also relevant here. It goes back to the etymology of “passion,” which derives from the Latin word pati, meaning “to suffer or endure.”

In this sense of the term, passion is not just about doing things fervently because you love doing them; it’s about loving them so much that you’re willing to undergo hardship and make sacrifices for them.

Such willingness is the true test of passion. For instance, when Kim was a girl, she wanted to ride horses so badly that she agreed to clean out a horse owner’s stables in exchange for lessons. In other words, her passion for horseback riding was so strong that she was willing to scoop up horse excrement to pursue it!

Why is passion in this sense so important? Well, unless you narrowly define success as just making money and you luck out by winning the lottery, there are no easy shortcuts to achieving it. There will inevitably be hard work, stressful events and inconveniences, such as taking conference calls when you’re sick, missing social engagements for business trips or putting personal finances on the line.

 If you want to succeed, you can’t avoid making sacrifices like these; all you can do is be willing to endure them – and that willingness comes from passion. Your passion provides you with the emotional energy you’ll need in order to power through the long workdays and sleepless nights that lie ahead of you on your journey toward success.  

It’s also an important factor in finding other people to help you on your journey. By demonstrating a willingness to make sacrifices for your cause, you can position yourself as an inspiring leader to your colleagues or employees. Asking whether potential or current colleagues or employees share your passion can also help you to choose the people you associate with.

You need to identify, feed and prioritize your passion to fully benefit from it.

To tap into the power of passion, you first have to know what you’re passionate about. If you don’t already have a clear conception of this, ask yourself the following: What do you love so much that you’d be willing to make significant sacrifices for it?

Maybe it’s a subject, such as fashion or animals. Maybe it’s a skill or activity, such as writing or painting. Or perhaps it’s a role, such as being a teacher or a caretaker.

Whatever it is, here’s your next question: What are you doing on a regular basis that’s feeding your passion? If the answer is nothing, the next step is to change that!  

You can start small. The idea is just to get your feet wet and do something – anything – to become more connected to your passion. For instance, if it were fashion, you wouldn’t have to go out and become a designer right away; you could just start a fashion blog!

However, you won’t be able to write even a single blog post or take any other small steps toward feeding your passion if you don’t make time for it. As with your vision, you have to prioritize your passion and carve out a space for it in your schedule.

And that means making trade-offs. To accomplish tasks that are related to your passion, you’ll have to sacrifice tasks that aren’t related to it. That may require declining invitations to social engagements, such as parties and dinners, which may be scheduled at times that conflict with your pursuit of your passion.

To mitigate the disappointment of your friends, colleagues or family members, you should communicate to them the rationale behind your absences. You can also compensate them for those absences by offering alternatives, such as one-on-one meetings or small group get-togethers, which you can schedule around your pursuit of your passion.

While you pursue it, you can further encourage your passion by celebrating your successes, both big and small. For instance, when one of kim’s companies achieved its first month of earning $1 million in revenue, she celebrated by taking her entire team to Las Vegas!

That’s an example of celebrating a huge accomplishment in a big way – but small victories, such as closing a business deal, deserve small celebrations, too. Try literally feeding your passion by treating yourself or your team to a dinner!

When beginning to pursue your vision, the key is to act by taking a small first step.  

Once you’ve found your vision and your passion, you’re like a driver with a destination in your mind and a full tank of gas in your car. You’re ready to head out – but you won’t actually go anywhere until you put your foot down on the accelerator pedal.

That’s the third trait of effective execution: action. Suffice it to say that no one ever accomplished anything without taking action, which, in this context, means doing something that takes you closer to following your passion and achieving your vision.

Assuming you’ve been able to articulate your vision and are ready to take action, the first question you’re going to face is, “Where do I begin?” After all, there are many possible paths of action you can take. Which one do you choose?

Well, don’t overthink it. Otherwise, you could find yourself stuck in analysis paralysis, which is the condition that occurs when you get so caught up in mulling over your options and all of their possible ramifications that you become overwhelmed, leading to inaction.

Just do something. Move forward. You don’t need to commit to any particular path at this point; just pick one of them and take a first step. You can still reassess, change direction or even back out before you proceed further, so there’s no need to overanalyze.

But that’s not to say you should act thoughtlessly. Remember, it’s just a step you’re taking here – not a leap. Don’t quit your job and put your livelihood on the line. Instead, keep your current job while turning your vision and passion into a side hustle.

Consider Stacey. She worked in corporate finance, but her true passion was health and wellness. From this passion, she developed a vision: starting a juice company.

But she didn’t quit her job, tap into her savings and jump straight into the high-risk enterprise of establishing a new business. Instead, she took a safer, smaller first step: selling juice at a farmer’s market on the weekends.

This way, she could get a better sense of whether she enjoyed the work of selling juice and whether there was a market for her product.

Progress toward achieving your vision requires forward movement coupled with a daily review process.

What comes after you take your first step of action toward following your passion and achieving your vision? Well, this might sound glib, but the answer is pretty simple: after your first step comes your second step – and then your third step, your fourth step and so forth!

Obvious as this may be, it does bring up a less obvious consideration that’s important to bear in mind: your first step may be a great success – but to keep moving toward your vision, you have to, well, keep moving. If you just keep taking the same step over and over again, you’re not going to get anywhere.

The same logic applies to the second step and every step after that. At every step along the way, you need to keep moving forward to make progress.

Apple provides a vivid example of the importance of continuing to move forward. Apple is one of the top brands in the world, but its success didn’t hinge on being the first company to develop technologies such as MP3 players and smartphones. Other companies beat them to those innovations.

Rather, Apple took these preexisting technologies and relentlessly innovated them. The company never rested on its laurels; it didn’t let itself get too comfortable in any particular step along the way of its journey. After developing the first iPhone and iPod, it went straight on to developing their follow-ups – and then the follow-ups to the follow-ups, and so forth.

However, while moving forward is crucial to success, it’s also a double-edged sword. If you’re heading in the right direction, it will get you closer to achieving your vision – but, by the same token, if you’re heading in the wrong direction, it will take you further away.

To avoid the latter prospect, it’s important to create and implement a daily review process. First, write down a list of all of the actions you took today that were related to your vision. Did they really align with your vision? Did they really take you closer to achieving it? Are they feeding your passion? What direction are they taking you – and is that in a direction you still want to go?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, then it’s time to reassess what you’re doing and change your course of action!

Resilience is the trait that can help you withstand and even benefit from challenges and setbacks.

The fourth trait of effective execution involves another word with two meanings: resilience.

Here’s the first meaning: if someone or something is resilient, that means that he, she or it can withstand the turbulent winds of fate. For instance, if a building can weather the literal winds of a hurricane, it would be labeled as resilient.

But in another sense of the term, a resilient person not only withstands the winds of fate, but also harnesses them to the best of her ability – as a sailor does with her sails. She knows that while she can’t control the direction of the wind, she can control the direction in which she points her sails.

The uncooperative “wind” in this metaphor stands for the challenges, crises and setbacks that the world may throw your way when you’re pursuing your vision. If you’re resilient in both senses of the word, you’ll not only take these difficulties in stride; you’ll also respond to them in ways that lead to growth.

And one of the main ways that you can do that is by staying positive, as well as hopeful and hungry for new opportunities. That was one of the keys to billionaire Elon Musk’s bumpy road to success.

Today, you may know him as the successful CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, and a cofounder of PayPal. But before he succeeded, he faced many setbacks. His first business idea for PayPal floundered, and some of his SpaceX rockets literally went up in smoke. But he didn’t give up; he kept trying to succeed – and eventually, PayPal and his SpaceX rockets took off, literally and figuratively.

That’s an example of resiliency in the sense of withstanding setbacks. But Elon Musk also provides an example of resiliency in the other sense of the term: not just withstanding setbacks, but also growing from them.  

For instance, in 2017, when reports came out about the high rate of injury at his Tesla factory in Fremont, Musk made some unusual public pledges to his employees. One of them was that he would have one-on-one meetings with injured workers to learn about problems on the factory’s production line. Not only that, he would then perform their tasks himself to experience those problems firsthand. Thus, he turned the problems into a learning opportunity.

You can develop your resiliency by taking care of yourself emotionally and looking for opportunities to exercise it.

So how do you become more resilient? Well, you can think of your resiliency as a mental muscle – something that, just like a physical muscle, can be developed with exercise.

But first, it helps to stretch and relax the muscle. That means taking care of yourself emotionally, so you can alleviate your stress, anxiety and fear. This will allow you to be calmer in the face of adversity, which will help you make better decisions.

Simple ways to do this include physical exercise, meditation, journaling, creating an action plan and talking things out with a friend or mentor. In the aftermath of situations that destabilize your mind with negative emotions, these activities can help you to restabilize.

In a similar vein, you can also reconnect to aspects of your life that have a stabilizing effect on you. For example, even in the midst of professional turmoil, you can find a sense of calm when playing with your children.

So those are some ways you can stretch and relax your resiliency muscle. Now let’s look at the exercise part.

One beneficial technique is to turn everyday setbacks into opportunities for exercise. For instance, Sara once bought tickets to a Guns N’ Roses stadium concert for herself and a group of 20 colleagues. She thought it would be a great bonding experience. There was just one problem: it turned out that all of the seats were in different parts of the stadium!

But rather than gnash her teeth at the setback, she decided to turn it into an opportunity for teamwork. She proposed that each member of the group try to trade their seats with a stranger, and then trade that new seat for another seat with a second stranger, and so forth and so on, until they were all sitting together.

Not only did this gambit work, saving their concert experience; it also made that experience even richer than it would have otherwise been. Instead of just rocking out to songs like “Paradise City,” they also got to share a memorable team-building exercise and bonding experience.

So next time a little adversity knocks down your building blocks, see if you can make a game out of rebuilding them into your own “Paradise City”!

Expanding, deepening and maintaining relationships are the key to augmenting your abilities to execute.

The fifth and final trait that leads to effective execution is the most decisive one of all. You can have the clearest, most compelling vision in the world, and you can pursue it with relentless passion, action and resilience – but you’re not going to get very far if you try to do everything alone. You need the help of other people, and that’s what the final trait is all about: relationships.  

As the old saying goes, no man (or woman) is an island. All of us have limited time, energy, skills and knowledge. But by pooling these precious resources together, we can expand the range of what we can accomplish.

If someone else lends you some of her time and energy, you’ll have more overall time and energy to expend on pursuing your vision. If someone lends you her skills and knowledge, you can fill in some of the gaps in your own skills and knowledge. And, of course, this goes both ways, leading to the potential for win-win relationships.

The more of these relationships you establish and maintain, and the deeper those relationships become, the more you’ll be able benefit from the power of having other people in your life. It’s therefore crucial to cultivate a network of people with whom you can enjoy win-win relationships.

To expand your network, look for people outside your immediate social vicinity. For example, if you work in a corporate environment, look for people not just outside your team, but also outside your company or even your industry.

To deepen your relationships, take the time to show a sincere interest in getting to know these people better. Don’t just ask routine questions with yes-or-no answers, like “Did you have a good weekend?” Instead, ask deeper, open-ended questions, like “Where do you envision yourself in five years?” or “What’s your passion?”

To maintain your relationships, make a habit of showing people appreciation through nice, thoughtful gestures. Emails saying “thank you” and “congratulations” are one good way of doing this – but handwritten notes are even better, since they feel more personal. And when you have spare moments, such as when you’re driving to work or riding in a taxi, you can use the time to reconnect with people by phone.

Avoid negative relationships, while making reasonable exceptions to this rule.

The ideal relationship is one that’s win-win, where both parties mutually benefit from each other. Sadly, however, many relationships are win-lose or even lose-lose. What’s more, some relationships that were once win-win descend into negative territory.

In light of these facts, experts recommend conducting a periodic life audit of your relationships. Once a year, sit down and review all of your relationships one-by-one, splitting them into two categories.

The first category consists of positive people from whom you received inspiration, support, energy and challenges. The other category consists of negative people from whom you received the opposite effects.

It may sound cold, but then you have to make a conscious decision to distance yourself from the people you placed in the second category. Moving forward, you should spends less time with them or even cuts yourself off from them if need be.

Of course, some issues can be worked through, so you shouldn’t be quick to write people off. You should only place people in the second category if the issues seem intractable, at least for the foreseeable future. In the longer-term future, the person may change, in which case he can be welcomed back into the first category.

You should also recognize that people can become temporarily negative because of difficult experiences, such as illness, the death of a loved one or a job loss. Refrain from placing these people into the negative category, since you know they need the help of your own positivity to pull through to the other side and return to a more positive state of being.

Finally, recognize that in a workplace setting, you can’t just stop talking to a “coworker who has a negative effect on you.” Since you’re stuck working with them, you have to figure out a way of interacting with them to the best of your ability and minimizing the negativity as much as possible.

The point isn’t to eliminate all negativity from your life. That’s impossible. It’s simply to maximize the positivity and minimize the negativity, so that you can put yourself in a position to actively, resiliently and collaboratively pursue your passion and execute your vision so that it becomes a reality.

The execution factor is your ability to carry out plans of action that enable you to achieve your goals. It rests upon five traits: vision, passion, action, resilience and relationships. Each of these traits can be cultivated. Execution is therefore a skill that you can develop, enabling you to put yourself in a position to succeed.  

[kriscme]

One Life to Live

Hi, sorry for the delay if you’re following this story on Tumblr.  The chapters that have been put on AO3 have at last caught up with the chapters here.  New chapters will go up weekly from hence on.   You might find it easier to read on AO3 though.  I’d link if I knew how.  I’m Kris22 over there. 

As always thanks to Ronja for allowing me to write fanfic of her Hunger Games fanfic “The Chance You Didn‘t Take” available on AO3 and FanFiction. Chapter 30 “Marcus presents well on TV, doesn’t he? You wouldn’t guess how much he hates it.”  My hand stills as I focus on the screen and Buttercup nudges his head beneath my palm in protest. I absently go back to scratching him behind the ears and his chest rumbles in contentment. “Yeah, well, you soon learn to fake it,” replies Johanna from the other end of the sofa.  “You should know that better than anyone.”   “Yeah,” I say.  Fake or not fake, real or not real, on television who can tell the difference? “That’s where Gale and I used to meet to go hunting,” I tell her.  Cressida had Marcus stand with his back to the valley, using the mountains in the distance as backdrop.  The sun was directly behind him and it shone through his golden-brown hair and set it aflame as if it were a halo.  Man-on-fire, I can almost hear Cinna say.  He’s the darling of the media now.  I don’t envy him.   I nervously wait for the moment Cressida interrupted the interview to ask me how I feel about a national park but it’s like it didn’t happen.  It’s been edited so seamlessly that no one would guess there’d been a break in the dialogue between Marcus and herself.  True to her word, there’s not even the slightest glimpse or mention of me anywhere. And nothing either in the separate feature she did on District 12 that had aired immediately before.  

I let out my breath in a long exhale and feel the tension ebb from my muscles.  I imagine Marcus in District 13 having the same reaction.   We felt sure that if there were any compromising footage it would come out either before the interview was broadcast or during.   And apart from that . . . um . . . incident in the woods, what else could they have on us?  Only that Marcus was a guest in my house but that was a very reasonable arrangement given the circumstances.  Otherwise, it was all very circumspect.  No public displays of affection, no chaining naked to trees, no fights with logging companies.   Only Johanna knew the extent of our relationship, and I doubt she’d have told anyone.  Peeta’s engagement to Lace would have made a juicy story, but thankfully he’s protected, having done nothing to attract publicity to himself – either through his own actions or through association with another.   “Looks like you’ve dodged a bullet,” says Johanna.  She reaches for the remote to switch off the television and then settles back onto the sofa.  A plate of Peeta-made cookies is on the coffee table delicately iced in Peeta’s signature style.  She takes one and scrapes off the icing with her teeth.   Johanna likes the icing best.  If you let her, you’d end up with a plate of cookies that look as if mice had been at them.   “It would seem so,” I reply.   I wish I could feel more certain, but if I’ve learned anything from my experiences is that life seldom is.  In fact, feeling safe almost guarantees that you’re not.   I forget to stroke Buttercup again, and tired of my erratic attention, he decides it’s time to move on.   He drops to the floor and ambles over to his favorite lounge chair, tail swishing. He leaves behind a layer of cat hair on my dark green trousers. “I told you nothing would happen,” says Johanna. “Wouldn’t want to ruin the fantasy they’d put so much effort into perpetuating, would they?  I stand naked against a tree for a good cause and the media goes berserk.  You get caught shagging against a tree with the current golden boy and then nothing.” “You know that’s not true,” I say, exasperated that she still thinks like this.  “Maybe at one time, when it would have made the Capitol look stupid if the truth came out, but not now.  They’ve had no compunction giving Marcus bad publicity in the past so I can’t see why it would be different just because I’m involved.  We were mistaken about what we heard that’s all, and then we let paranoia take over.”

I’d agonized over whether I should tell Marcus about Remus and the knowing look he gave me when I returned to camp.  In the end, I decided that he should have all the information just in case he needed to be prepared.  That was a mistake.   Between Cressida’s return to the Capitol the following day and Marcus’s for District 13 a week later, our waking hours were spent alternating between optimism that we had nothing to worry about and then dread that we had everything to worry about.   Marcus was petrified that another scandal would put his mission in jeopardy.  As there’s no official mandate from the central government to establish national parks, he depends on the goodwill and co-operation of individual districts and a negative association with me – any association with me, actually – could have that support withdrawn.  Especially in 13 where my name is anathema.  For me, it was the terror of a media onslaught, that what had happened before could happen again – my private life no longer private but entertainment to be analyzed and exploited.  That the careful re-building of my life as plain Katniss Everdeen would all come to naught. That it might impact on Peeta, who’s only just now finding himself after what Snow did to him. We had our first ever real argument.  I told him it was his fault for breaking his own rule and luring me into a clandestine meeting with him for sex.   And he said it was my fault for . . . he couldn’t quite articulate why it was my fault but it had something to do with being Katniss Everdeen.  It seems if I’d been a nobody we could have fucked in the main street (his words) and while it would likely have had us arrested in 12 it wouldn’t have merited even the smallest mention in the Capitol.  Because, you know, we’re just ignorant hayseeds and they are so much more sophisticated than we are and they have no morals (my words).  Oh, and he wasn’t exactly a nobody either.  In fact, that was the problem.   We did calm down and apologize to each other and had make-up sex, which was nice, but it wasn’t how I imagined we’d be spending our final days together – tense, fearful, with each blaming the other for our predicament.   It wasn’t until the night before he departed for 13 that we came to a mutual understanding. Neither of us were at fault.  We were victims of our celebrity – a celebrity that neither of us had sought.  Mine was thrust upon me, and his was a regrettable consequence of his life’s work. But I did tell him he was partly to blame.  If he had been fifty, pot-bellied and bald instead of young, handsome and with eyes the color of maple-syrup that could melt any women’s heart, he wouldn’t attract a fraction of the media attention that he does.  And then he told me that if I had been a scraggy, wrinkled old bat instead of young and nubile with eyes like silver moons and hair evocative of midnight, all the Games prowess in the world couldn’t have made me the cultural icon I’d become.  We were just too good looking for own good.   And then we laughed and had sex – playful, affectionate, I-want-to-remember-this-forever sex.  

But the worry was still there when we lay in each other’s arms that night, and the next morning when we said our goodbyes.  It was a bitter-sweet ending to what had been an unforgettable interlude but as I watched him pass through the Village gates for the last time, rucksack piled high, long legs in hiking boots striding purposely towards the next wilderness to be saved, I was struck by the rightness of it.  It was how it was always going to end; how it always should have ended.   Johanna tosses a denuded cookie back onto the plate and picks up a fresh one.  She ignores the pained look I send her way.  “Would you have gone with him?” she asks.  “If you could?” I brush cat hairs from my trousers to give me a few seconds to think about it.   I’d honestly never considered it since I can’t leave 12.    But there was a time when I could have happily left everything behind and followed him around the country, hiking mountain trails and making love at every opportunity.   It was at the concrete house by the lake, the morning after we’d made love for the first time and there weren’t enough superlatives in the world to describe how wonderful I thought he was, although now I find it hard to determine exactly what I did feel for him.  

“No,” I say eventually.  “Even if didn’t mean being in the public eye again, I still wouldn’t.  We don’t want the same things.”  I hesitate, wondering if I should say anything, but then blurt it out. “I don’t think I’m normal.” I brace for the sarcastic response I’m sure to get, but to my relief it doesn’t come.  “None of us are,” she says grimly.  “You don’t go through what we have and come out normal at the end of it.”  She’s silent for a moment, but then rouses herself. “But if you want me to comment further, you’ll have to be more specific,” she adds.   I sigh.  I don’t know to explain it to myself, let alone to someone else.  “Well, it’s about how I felt about Marcus.   I mean, it wasn’t that long ago when I would have done almost anything for him.  He made me feel so . . . so . . . “ “Turned on?” she smirks.   I feel my face grow hot.  I should have known the real Johanna couldn’t be too far from the surface.   “Yes, but more than that.  Wanted.  Desirable. And we had so much in common too. But when he left, I didn’t feel much of anything.  I should have been devastated, shouldn’t I?” “Rebound.”

“What?” “It was a rebound.  It’s when you haven’t got over one relationship and you dive straight into another.  Marcus gave you the validation that Peeta didn’t.  It’s not so complicated.  Pretty simple, in fact.  Happens all the time.” “It does?” “Yep.  It goes like this.  You feel like shit because you’re still hung-up on your ex so you’re looking for a distraction – something or someone to make you feel better.  So along comes Marcus who is clearly attracted and you transfer the feelings you don’t think Peeta wants on to him.  Only it doesn’t last because it’s not based on anything real.” But some things were real.   I really did like him, felt a connection with him, even.  And I liked the sex, but maybe that’s just a physical thing.  I haven’t been with enough men to know if it’s different when it’s with someone you truly love.    “A rebound is bad then?” I ask. “Depends,” she says.  She takes another cookie from the plate.   “Has it made you feel better or worse?  And then there’s the person on the other end of it.  It’s generally considered not fair to them.  But, if you had to pick the ideal man to have a rebound with, you couldn’t have done better than Marcus.  I told you at the beginning– one track mind.  Nothing competes with saving the forests for him.” Gale.  He was like that.  The cause is more important than any relationship.  As soon as Gale heard about the uprisings in the Districts, he no longer wanted to escape with me into the woods when just minutes before, he’d been so keen.  But Peeta, he would have gone with me, even though he knew it was a bad idea.   “He told me he doesn’t keep girlfriends for very long.  I guess that’s why,” I say.   He’d also have figured out what a liability I’d be to him.  And I certainly wouldn’t want the kind of life a relationship with him would entail.    That final week had been an eyeopener for us both.  But at least it ended well, all things considered. I put out my hand for a cookie but change my mind when I can’t find one that hasn’t had the icing scraped off.  

“You’re disgusting,” I tell her.  But I can’t keep from laughing.  It’s part amusement, part relief.  No repercussions from that lapse of judgement in the woods and an explanation that makes sense to me about my feelings for Marcus.  I feel a sudden rush of affection for the woman who’s helped me through this – and more besides.  Once I compared her to an older sister who really hates you.   I guess I have to revise it to an older sister who sometimes seems to hate you but really doesn’t, and you can always depend on to have your back.   “I’m going to miss you,” I say. “Yeah, I know,” Johanna replies casually as if she were picking lint off a sweater.  “But my reason for coming here in the first place was to help Marcus out and he’s gone.   Peeta doesn’t need me anymore either.  So even if I hadn’t been asked to, it still would have been time for me to go home.”   “You’re going to be great mayor.” “Thanks, but I’m not mayor quite yet.   I have to be elected first.  It’s the way it’s done now.”  Before the war, District mayors were appointed by the Capitol but now all governing roles are decided by vote.  It’s the republic Plutarch had talked about, just like in the history books. The people elect their own representatives.   “You’ll get it,” I say confidently.  “They love you in 7.  They wouldn’t have asked you to run, otherwise.”  Who’d have guessed that Johanna would be destined to be Mayor of District 7, but when you think about it, it’s the perfect fit.  She’ll bring passion, commitment and integrity to the role.  And essential for a career in politics, a thick skin.   “So, have you thought about what you’d like to do on your last night here and to celebrate your candidacy?” I ask. “How about drinks first at the pub and then dinner at that restaurant you like or maybe see a movie.  Or we could do all three.  Anything you like. “ “Anything I like?” she asks ominously. Images of pub crawls, strippers and naked sprints through the streets flash through my mind.  “What I’d like is dinner with just the four of us. You, me, Peeta and Haymitch.” I groan.  This is far, far worse.  “You more than anyone know the circumstances – “ “I don’t care,” she says flatly.  “Ever since I got here, I’ve been stuck between the two of you.   Haymitch has too.  Why don’t you think of other people for a change and how it affects them?  You and Peeta are Haymitch’s family!  What do you think it’s been like for him?” “He hasn’t said anything,” I say, on the defensive.  “How can I know if – “

“It should be fucking obvious!  How brainless can you get?”  She gives me a look filled with contempt.  I guess she’s back to being the older sister who hates you.   I hadn’t considered it from Haymitch’s perspective.  He’d have missed the dinners, I suppose, but it’s not as if they could continue forever. They were only intended to help us establish a routine.  And besides, it was Peeta who showed the first signs of breaking from them.   “It’s not like I started it.”  As I say it, I realize how false that is.  I was the one who put a complete stop to the dinners and made things awkward between Peeta and me.  All because I couldn’t handle him being with Lace.   “I don’t care who started it,” she says, but less angrily than before.  “It’s time for it to stop.  Is this how you’re going to live the rest of your lives?  Forever trying to avoid being in the same place at the same time?  You’re neighbors, for fuck’s sake.  You’ve been in two Games and a war together.  You don’t throw away a bond like that because he fucked another woman when his brain was mush.  And now that you’ve fucked another man, you’re even.  There’s nothing standing in your way now.  So, what’s stopping you?  It can’t be Lace.  She’s gone.” Gone, but not forgotten.  Not by me, and not by Peeta either.  But Johanna does have a point.  If Haymitch is a kind of father figure to us both, then that makes us his children.  And having two children who don’t get along and won’t join in any family activities if the other is there too, can’t have been easy.  For my own part, it has been a strain avoiding Peeta when we live so close, work similar hours, and have Haymitch in common.  But it hasn’t been just me.  Peeta stopped seeking me out like he used to when he found out that I’m in love him.  Nothing about our situation has changed, Lace or no Lace.   He stays away from me because he knows that I’m in love him and he feels bad that he can’t love me back.  And I stay away from him because I know that he knows, and feel humiliated that he does.  But if . . . “You’re right,” I say.   “It is ridiculous.  You make the arrangements and I’ll be there.” “And now that Marcus is out of the picture – “        

She stops suddenly, confused.  “You will?” “Yes.  In fact, I can hardly wait.  It’ll be fun.”  I rise from the sofa to gather the cups and the plate of ruined cookies to signal that the visit is over.   Johanna looks stunned as if she can’t believe how easy that victory was.   She was probably all primed to go into battle and then it failed to materialize.  How disappointing that must be.    

“Oh, Johanna!” I call out cheerily just as she’s about to walk out the door.  I’ve just remembered something Haymitch told me.  “Maybe we should let Peeta do the cooking.   He likes to do it.  He’d always take over when we had our dinners.”  If I have to do this thing, I at least want the food to be good.   “Sure,” she says, still dazed.   And then she’s gone.  I wonder if Peeta has already agreed to it, or that she still has the job of guilting him into it too.   I decide that it doesn’t matter either way.  Peeta will be motivated by the same reasoning as me.  The present situation can’t continue.   It’s funny, in the way that’s weird rather than amusing, that mine and Peeta’s situation is now reversed.  In the days following the Games and before we embarked on the Victory Tour, he avoided me for pretty much the same reasons I avoid him now.  And, in turn, I avoided him for the same reason he avoids me.  It’s the discomfort of being around someone whose feelings you don’t return.   But there’s one crucial difference. Peeta had hope.  I know that now from what Haymitch told Peeta before the prep teams arrived.  He could afford to wear his heart on his sleeve knowing that there was a good chance that if I was given the space I needed, it was only a matter of time before I felt the same way.  I have no hope.  Therefore, my strategy will have to be different.  This is about survival, not about capturing Peeta’s heart.  

Peeta will have to believe that whatever I felt for him, I no longer do.  That’s the only way we can be at ease with each other.   I may never stop loving him, but I know how to bury my feelings so that they don’t show.  I’ve had plenty of practice at it.  After my father died.  When I was reaped.  When he started going out with Lace.   I can do this.  I can put on a show.  I don’t even have to be good at it.  In the Games, Peeta was convinced I was in love him because he wanted to believe it.  So now I do the opposite and he’ll believe because he wants to believe.  And if he can’t do that, he’ll pretend.  We’re both very good at pretending.   Chapter 31 Venia purses her lips at the state of my nails. “There’s not much I can do with these apart from a polish.  If you want artificial nails, you’ll have to come back when Octavia’s here.” “It doesn’t matter,” I say.  “I mostly just wanted my hair trimmed.”  The shape Flavius had cut into my hair has nearly all grown out.   Working at the school during the week, and out in the woods with Marcus on the weekends hadn’t left much time for trips to the beauty salon.   I ask, “Where’s Octavia?  Not sick, I hope.”  

It’s unusual not to see Octavia at her station, her auburn head bent over her task.  Since Venia re-united with her coworkers, each has settled into their former specialties as beauty therapists.   Flavius is hair and makeup.   Octavia is the nail expert.  And Venia is skin treatments and waxing.   “She left work early,” smirks Flavius.  “She has a date.”   Venia collects a few tools from the nail station and returns to my side.  While Flavius cuts, Venia smooths and buffs.  It reminds me of my days as a tribute when all three of them would be working on various body parts at the same time. “We weren’t busy, anyway,” says Venia. “You’re the last customer for the day.” I know.  That’s the reason I chose to come at this time.  I didn’t want to take the chance of running into Lace when she’s having her roots done.   “Anyone I know?” I ask. “Possibly,” replies Venia.  “He’s from 12.  Thom something.  Bick? Hick?” “Hickory?” “That’s it.  Hickory.  Octavia’s had crushes before but she’s got it really bad this time.  I caught her looking through wedding catalogues.”  Venia pauses mid-buff.  “I’m worried for her.” “How come?” Thom is a nice guy.  He was a friend of Gale’s who helped with the clean-up of 12 and gave me a ride home in his cart when I was too weak to walk home. That was the day Peeta came back. “Because of . . . you know, of what we did before the war.”  I don’t miss Venia’s use of “we”.  If Octavia is accused of being a facilitator of the Games, they all are.

“But doesn’t Thom already know?  He was in 13 at the same time as you.”  All the survivors from District 12 actually.   But Venia shakes her head.  “Octavia didn’t know Thom then.  We didn’t mix very much with the people there.  We thought it safer to keep to ourselves. Especially after the bread.”   I suppose being shackled to a wall and beaten for simply taking an extra portion of bread wouldn’t exactly endear the populace to you.  

I try to reassure them.  “You do know that I’d vouch for you if it ever came out?  And tell them how you helped prepare me for the rebellion propos and Snow’s execution?” “I know you would.  And maybe we’re worrying over nothing.  But we risked a lot coming here and 12’s our home now. Flavius has met someone too – he’s from the Capitol, so that’s not a concern but if we had to leave . . .   And Lucia is settled in school and has made friends and Cicero has a good job at the medicine factory . . .” And so Venia goes on.  Flavius chimes in too.  He tells me they’re set to take on two apprentices and once the tailor has moved out, they want to expand the salon –

“What?  Arthur’s leaving?”  This is the first I’ve heard of it.  But maybe that’s not so surprising.  I haven’t seen much of Arthur lately.   It’s been only been Max, Johanna and me at pub nights.  Arthur is obviously spending his Saturday nights elsewhere.   “Oh, he’s not going far,” says Venia. “Just to another store on the main street.  He says it’s better situated for passing trade and with the dressmaking shop next door it will likely bring more business to them both.” “I don’t think more business is the only thing those two want from each other,” says Flavius with a suggestive wink.   “Flavius!” chides Venia, but she can’t conceal a smile.  “It’s true, though.  We misplaced the stone we use for sharpening scissors and Octavia went to ask Arthur if we could borrow his.  But no one was there even though the door was open.  So, she went through to the back, thinking that’s where he’d be, and she caught them red-handed, kissing, and his hand was up her skirt.  Octavia forgot all about the stone.”   The two of them collapse into giggles.  “We didn’t think he had it in him,” says Venia, when she’s able to speak.   Neither did I.  I can’t laugh about it though.  Peeta will be devastated when he hears that Lace has moved on.   And so soon after their break-up too.   But as badly as I feel for Peeta, I also can’t help feeling happy for Arthur.  If there was ever a man who deserves reward for long devotion, it’s him.  I only hope that Lace proves worthy of it. One thing I do know is that Peeta isn’t going to hear of it from me.  I’m done being involved in his love life.  It’s brought me nothing but trouble ever since he made that confession to Caesar Flickerman years before.  My only objective is to get over him if I can and make sure that he thinks I have. And that makes this dinner tonight so important.  It will set the stage for our relationship going forward.   We’ll be friends.  Not necessarily close friends.  But at least friends who can enjoy social occasions together and feel comfortable in each other’s company.   Johanna wants us to dress up so I guess that means I’ll have to wear a cocktail dress.   I have one already in my closet.  It’s the emerald green dress I wore to the party in 8.  But it’s long sleeved and in a heavy fabric and that makes it too hot for this time of the year.  I’ll have to go down to the basement where most of the Cinna clothes are stored.  There’s a whole rack of cocktail dresses to choose from. But what do you wear when you want to show that you’ve made an effort, but don’t want to appear as if you’ve set out attract anyone in particular – and by anyone, I mean Peeta.  

I begin by eliminating colours that are evocative of sunsets or flames.  That takes care of anything orange, red or yellow.  And then anything that Lace might choose.  If Lace is Peeta’s idea of feminine allure then I should make sure to do the opposite.  Therefore, no pastels, ruffles and especially any kind of lace.  No.  No. No, I think as I reject one dress after another.  And then I find it.  The perfect dress.  And so different from the girlish or jeweled frocks that Cinna usually dressed me in that it’s almost as if he knew that one day, I might have a need for a dress such as this.  It’s in unrelieved black.   Simple and unadorned in slinky silk jersey.   I really like it, but Peeta, who loves colour, probably won’t and it’s sure to send a message that I didn’t dress to please him.   I accessorize it with black high-heeled sandals and silver and jet earrings.  The dress comes to just above the knee with a deep halter neck.  It’s impossible to wear a bra without it showing, so I leave it off.  I turn around to check how it looks in the mirror from the rear.  The clinging fabric does set off my best asset, but since it’s a dinner and I’ll be sitting on it, no one will see it.  The burn scars, although much improved from the skin treatments, are still noticeable on my back.  I decide to draw attention to it by putting my hair up in a kind of messy bun.  This will contrast with Lace’s unblemished skin and immaculate hair and will surely show Peeta that I don’t care at all about being attractive to him.   I arrive at Peeta’s door at the same time as Haymitch.  He’s wearing a dinner suit, but his white shirt has already untucked from the waistband and his tie isn’t around his neck but dangling from his breast pocket.  His eyebrows rise as he takes in my appearance and his lips curve in a sardonic smile.  If I needed any confirmation of how incongruous I look in this get-up, I just got it.   Johanna answers the door, elegant in a wine-red fitted dress with matching shoes.  She appears to have paid a visit to the salon too, because her hair is now a uniform color and has been restyled to lie flat against her skull and frame her face instead of the usual red-tipped spikes sticking up all over her head.   “I like your new look,” I tell her.   “Yeah, it’s more conservative than I usually go for but I figure I have to start looking the part of mayor sooner or later.  But what about you?  What have you done with Katniss Everdeen?” I smile and shrug.  I’m unsure if not looking like myself is a compliment or not. Peeta stops short when he sees me, his mouth gaping, but he collects himself quickly.  “You look beautiful,” he says.  

“Thanks,” I murmur.  He sounds sincere but I know how easily Peeta can fake it.  “You look good too.”  And he does, in a cream suit designed by Portia.   We move into the dining room.  Johanna’s gone to a lot of trouble.  I can almost imagine we’re at one of those fancy restaurants in the Capitol.  Fresh flowers, dim lighting, the furniture polished to a high sheen. The table is resplendently laid out with the finest dinnerware and gold cutlery.  These came with the house.  I have them too but I’ve yet to use them.   I wonder if Peeta recognizes the pattern on the plates as the same as those that accompanied our feast in the cave.  Johanna and Haymitch take seats at opposite ends of the table. That leaves Peeta and me to sit across from each other.  

White wine is poured into cut-crystal glasses and starched linen napkins are laid across laps.  I wait for either Johanna or Peeta to start bringing in the food but they stay seated.  How are we to eat if the food never leaves the kitchen?  I eye the woven gold basket filled with soft rolls in the center of the table.  Is that all we get?  Just then, Cass enters the room carrying a large silver tray.   “Good evening,” he says, as places a bowl of soup in front of each of us.  “I hope you brought your appetites with you.  Don’t forget to save room for dessert.”   And then he’s gone.  Presumably back to the kitchen. “What was that?” I say to no one in particular. “Cass is doing all the cooking tonight. He’s a qualified chef.  He can cook all sorts of things - not just pastries and desserts,” says Johanna. “Yes, I know that.  But what’s he doing here?” Peeta answers.  “Johanna thought it would be nice to have a professional do the cooking so we could relax and enjoy ourselves.” Right.  I just wish Johanna’s idea of relaxation was drinks at the pub, or a barbeque in the backyard.  Any place where I didn’t risk locking eyes with Peeta at any minute.  We can scarcely look at each other. Every time his eyes chance to meet mine, they flit away.  It’s like being back at school.  We’re doing a very poor job of acting at ease with each other so far. I’m a lousy actress at the best of times but I expected better of Peeta. Clearly the knowledge that I’m in love with him freaks him out to the extent that he’s forgotten all his acting skills. The food is a welcome diversion and I tuck in. The soup is creamy pumpkin sprinkled with slivered nuts and little black seeds.  Sublime.  I recognize it as one of the soups at the Capitol feast.  It’s followed by those delicious little roasted birds filled with orange sauce. Then fish swimming in a green sauce flecked with herbs.  And then, oh, I don’t believe it!   Lamb stew with dried plums!  On a bed of wild rice!

That makes me think of our feast in the cave, of course. It’s even served on the same patterned plates.  My eyes instinctively search out Peeta’s.  Do you remember it?  You must, surely.  How excited we were when that parachute arrived.  How careful we were to eat only small portions so we wouldn’t be sick after so many days of hunger.  And then how we whiled away the time until we could eat again – snuggled together in the sleeping bag, my head on your shoulder, your arms wrapped around me, imagining our life together if we survived the Games.  You, me and Haymitch, you said.  Picnics, birthdays, long winter nights around the fire retelling old Hunger Games tales.  You must remember it!

But Peeta doesn’t look my way.  His gaze flickers between Johanna and Haymitch without it ever landing on me even though we’re sitting directly across from each other.  And he laughs just a little too loudly at Johanna’s poor taste joke about prunes and how we’ll all shit well tomorrow.    He remembers our feast in the cave, all right!  I’m certain of it.  He just doesn’t want me to know that he does. To spare me the humiliation, probably.  I want to kick myself.  Gawping at him like a love-sick idiot – practically begging him to remember one of our most intimate moments together.  At least Peeta has his wits about him, not letting on that the stew holds any particular significance.  

I quietly return to my stew.  It’s not as good as I remember it and I can only manage a few mouthfuls.  Saving room for dessert, I tell Johanna, when she comments.  Unfortunately, there’s a long break between this course and the next.   I suppose Cass wants our stomachs to have a rest before he brings out the dessert which is sure to be spectacular.  But it makes the pressure to appear congenial and unaffected by Peeta’s presence that much harder when I don’t have the food to distract me.

Since I got here, Peeta hadn’t spoken a great deal, and me even less.  The conversation has been carried mostly by Johanna and Haymitch.  She’s been picking his brain about the challenges of town planning and the provision of services such as garbage collection and road maintenance.  Johanna had better get this job for mayor.  She already acts as if it’s hers. That’s why it’s a surprise when the focus of attention turns to me.  I’d been occupied twisting my crystal glass around by the stem watching the colours change across its facets.  Anything to keep my mind off the person sitting opposite me.     “You’ll step in, won’t you, Katniss?” Johanna asks.   My head jerks up.   “Hmm?  What – “ “She doesn’t have to,” says Peeta quickly. “Step in for what?” I ask, directing my question to Johanna.   “To watch the tapes with Peeta.” says Johanna. Before I can respond Peeta interjects again. “There’s no need to bother Katniss.  I’ll be fine with Haymitch.”     “You won’t,” says Haymitch.  “The tapes labeled ‘to be watched with Katniss’ are all that’s left.  It’s probably why the content has become repetitive lately.   Aurelius has obviously run out of material I can help you with.” “You need to watch all the tapes,” Johanna adds.  “You don’t know what memories are missing until you do.” “Katniss has already done her share.  I’ll be fine watching on my own,” says Peeta.   Johanna shakes her head.  “You know that’s not how it works.  You need someone to put it into context.  Besides, the tapes were her idea to begin with. She should see it through.”   Peeta turns to me for the first time.   “There’s really no need.”   He’s almost pleading with me. I really want to accept his offer to not watch the tapes with him.  I know he’s giving me an escape but if I go along with it, it gives the impression that I’m afraid and that’s not good either.  It has to appear as if I have nothing to hide.  Which I don’t.  Except the part that I’m still in love with him, of course.   I can see where he’s coming from.  After my slip-up with the stew, he’s worried that if I’m compelled to watch the tapes with him, I’m sure to give myself away.  He’s protecting me from myself.   I look coolly into the blue eyes of the person who is now my greatest opponent and I promise myself I will defeat his plan. Johanna is right.  I should finish what I started.  Remember that my primary objective was for Peeta to find himself. And if those tapes hold the final pieces, then I’m determined that he shall have them.  I will watch those tapes, no matter how bad they are, and he will never guess from my reaction that I still carry a torch for him.  It’s the only way we’ll ever be able to act normally around each other.   “I’m happy to help,” I say.  “Same time and place?” All eyes are on him.  He’s trapped and he knows it.   Peeta’s nod is almost imperceptible.   What a timely moment for Cass to bring out the dessert.  It’s a tower of pastries filled with different flavored custards, welded together with chocolate and studded with raspberries and sugared violets surrounded by an immense web of delicate spun sugar.  There’s enough for at least a dozen or more people.  But the best thing about it is that its position in the center of the table effectively blocks out my view of Peeta.   So, Dr Aurelius has sent tapes that he wants Peeta to specifically watch with me.  I wonder if I was ever going to be told about them.   Probably not if it had been left up to Peeta.  He’s obviously anxious about what’s on them.   That makes me think that he has most, if not all, of his memories back.  Enough, at least, to guess at how I feel about him.  It seems that the tapes have progressed from those which showed me either indifferent or acting a part to when I began to return his feelings.  And the irony is that it’s made not a scrap of difference. I’m glad now that Dr Aurelius sent the compromising tapes first.  I had never stood a chance with him, even without Lace.  

Cass comes out to clear away the dessert plates and the remains of that pastry thing.  He frowns at how little impact we made on it.  But it really was huge.  To make him feel better, I ask if he can wrap it up for me to share around the staff room tomorrow.  Max will probably make some joke about chocolate covered balls and phallic symbols. We finish with tea for Peeta and me and coffee for Johanna and Haymitch.  Haymitch takes from his pocket a silver flask and pours a generous slug of whatever’s in it into his cup.  

The dinner finally comes to an end.  I pull Johanna aside before I go, ostensibly to say goodbye to her.  I won’t see her tomorrow.  The train for 7 leaves very early and Peeta has offered to walk her to the train station.

“The whole night was a setup, wasn’t it? To get me to watch the tapes with Peeta again?”

She doesn’t bother denying it. “Yep.  Someone had to give the two of you a nudge in the right direction.” She gives me one of her stern big sister looks.  “Don’t waste it.”

“I won’t,” I say.   She doesn’t have to know that I have something completely different in mind to her.    

I hug her goodbye and wish her luck.  I don’t know when we’ll meet again.  Not with me stuck in 12 and Johanna busy being mayor but maybe she’ll find time in her schedule to visit at some point.  

“Don’t be a stranger,” she calls out as I leave.  Where have I heard that expression before?  Ah yes, Plutarch.  They were the last words he spoke to me before he left the hovercraft that brought me back to 12.   Thankfully, even after that scare with Marcus, that’s exactly how it’s stayed.  

“Never,” I call back.   No one could ever be the little sister that Prim was.  But maybe I’ve gained a pretty good substitute for an older one.  

[amgeog2260]

Reflection of the Semester

These three things I know for certain about human geography research:

I recognize the importance of ethics considerations when conducting human geography research as humans are often directly involved or impacted from the research. For instance, by understanding power relations it is important to keep into consideration that research has the potential to directly affect policy decisions which can impact a participant's daily life or how their community is portrayed by others. (Hay, pg. 35, 2016) The ethical issue arises when asymmetrical relationships are formed between the researcher and participant resulting in one group benefitting more than the other. As an example, qualitative research often focuses on issues affecting communities that are prone to social and political scrutiny such as childhood poverty. (Hay, pg.35, 2016)

I also know that oral histories are used as a research practice to include the voices that are regularly not included. (Hay, pg. 190-191, 2016) It is important to study hidden stories of disadvantaged and minority groups because there is valuable qualitative data that would otherwise be ignored and lost forever. (Hay, pg. 191, 2016) As a result, the perspectives and stories of many lives and memories would be ignored. By incorporating oral histories, a researcher is able to question their own subjectivity and tells us details about how, why and when of a history that would not be available via written text.

Finally, I have a solid understanding of research methods and approaches of qualitative research. As an example, research empowering an indigenous community consists of methods articulated from non-western views such as community based participatory research in which collaboration is prioritized. (Hay, pg. 83, 2016) During the Digital Storytelling project, I learned of the benefits of an historical approach which involved the evaluation of data from past occurrences and how these trends may help explain present events. As a result, by focusing on the case study of Muddy Waters, the researcher learned how geographic factors affected future cultural events, for instance, how migration affected the rise of the civil rights movement. (Strait, 2012)

My Home is in the Delta, Retrieved From: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_TJoSf6_z0&ab_channel=MuddyWaters-Topic

Well my home's in the delta,

Way out on that farmer's road.

Now you know I'm living in Chicago,

And people, I sure do hate to go

These three things I am still confused by:

I am still confused by understanding the purpose of the types of qualitative analysis. I understand that grounded theory analysis is used to develop theory, but do not understand the role of the researcher and how theory is obtained. Another example I am confused by is dialectical analysis. From understanding, it is an analysis focused on how language has shifted in a period of time, yet I do not understand how to conduct the analysis, what the role of the researcher is and the purpose of the analysis.

I am also confused about the appropriate approach to a literature review and how to assess a particular article. As an example, it is confusing to know what to focus on whether it is methodology, research gaps or format. To specify, I recognize the importance of ensuring research is related to a thesis, yet am confused of how to incorporate many sources and ideas into a logical argument. It is also confusing to know how to evaluate the validity of research by looking at multiple ways to get to an answer, or triangulation. One question I have is how to objectively evaluate literature, what are the specific steps? 

Finally, I am confused by the portrayed benefits of participatory action research. I understand that a goal of PAR is to affect social change, yet I believe that it lacks tools for displaying democracy on a larger scale. For instance, by working with a community, there remains elements of subjectivity and based on other factors such as where and how they are participating means that their collective action may not be representative of larger scales. (Hay, pg. 352, 2016) I am confused how the PAR method addresses this problem. 

Retrieved From: https://www.nationalgeographic.org/encyclopedia/geography/

These three things I know for certain about me as a human geographic researcher:

As a human geographer, I know that I try to absorb as much information as possible whether it is observing human interactions or reading. For this reason, I know for certain that I am motivated to critically evaluate articles to obtain relevant and applicable knowledge to a research project. When evaluating sources, I know that I have incorporated a critical self conscious scrutiny of myself and of the research process to help consider different aspects I have not thought about. (Hay, pg. 34, 2016) 

Additionally, I know that by identifying my positionality and unpacking the invisible backpack, I can further analyze how my background influences my own perspective. For example, I am fortunate to have an education and when approaching research I will often have a preconceived idea or assumptions on a particular issue. By recognizing my positionality, I can address power relation issues by including participants into designing the research project rather than choosing how to approach research from my own perspective. (Hay, pg.36, 2016) 

Finally, I know I am motivated to apply skills I have learned to prepare and eventually conduct an interview. I recognize that I need to spend more effort to ensure the interview flows smoothly and how to maintain rapport with an interviewee, yet am fascinated because the data collected is unique in which it involves emotions and a life story which cannot be told by written text. In addition, I believe that developing rapport will allow for more trustworthiness resulting in richer and deeper conversation.  

These three areas I need to spend time developing/learning in order to feel more confident in my skills:

I believe I need more time developing interview skills which include formulating clear interview questions that lead to a meaningful story. (Hay, pg. 164, 2016) In other words, which questions will allow information to be gathered that would be useful and relevant for research? I would also spend more time properly using primary / secondary questions and appropriately ordering topics to preserve rapport and to support subsequent questions.

Another area I could improve is in coding. I could spend more time improving the organization of information in order to recognize patterns and translate appropriate information into something applicable for a project. As an example, when examining an article, I often used a flat coding frame resulting in too many separate themes.(Hay, pg. 379, 2016) As a result, it was difficult to identify which codes were most important and led to disorganization which slowed down the decision making process. 

Finally, writing a compelling research proposal is another area to improve my skills. Specifically, I spent a lot of time generating a research question that helped define cultural geography. By consistently adjusting and refining a topic or idea, I believe that I could better identify the gaps in my research. To specify, by questioning research methods I use, what criteria I would be using or which community to focus on, I can further specify my research question while keeping the big picture in mind. (Hay, pg. 101, 2016)

References

Anderson, B. (2016). Cultural Geography 1. Intensities And Forms Of Power, 41(4), 501-511. https://doi.org/10.1177/0309132516649491

Hay, Iain. Qualitative Research Methods in Human Geography. Fourth ed., Oxford, 2016. Chapter 1:Qualitative Research and Its Place in Human Geography, Chapter 2: Power, Subjectivity, and Ethics in Qualitative Research, Chapter 5: Writing a Compelling Research Proposal, Chapter 6: Qualitative Research Design and Rigour, Chapter, 8: Interviewing, Chapter 9: Oral History and Human Geography and Chapter 17: Participatory Action Research

Hooykaas, A. (2021). Week 2: Philosophy, Power, Politics, and Research Design and Week 3: Ethics [PowerPoint Presentation]. GEOG2260, Guelph.Week 6:Data Collection, and Interviews, Week 8: Coding

Rose, G. (2015). Cultural geography going viral. Social & Cultural Geography, 17(6), 763-767. https://doi.org/10.1080/14649365.2015.1124913

Strait, J. (2012). Experiencing blues at the crossroads: A place-based method for teaching the geography of blues culture. Journal of Geography, 111(5), 194-209.