#I need to sleep for work tomorrow but I think this was worth it lol

[somegrumpynerd]

@pigeonstab I finally got some motivation in me so it's time to extend Cross's misery lol

Also I had a bonus thought while drawing this:

Nobody understands what he's going through

[thevoicefromanotherworld]

"ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, PRINCESS"

I WROTE ANOTHER FIC WITH TANGERINE

(With my idea of enemies to lovers with him lol)

I hope you like it!

WARNING: EXPLICIT SMUT UNDER THE CUT

You and Tangerine were coworkers.

Anonymous people paid you to take care of certain jobs that no one else wanted to do.

So there you were, on the bullet train on your way to Tokyo.

This time, you couldn't travel first class, since your contact didn't pay for those seats, but rather for a cabin you had to share. It's worth mentioning that you didn't get along well.

When they told you he would be your partner, you tried your best, but as the days went by, his dislike for you became increasingly evident, as did yours for him.

The two of you tried not to argue over stupid things for more than three fucking minutes, but it was impossible, since you had little patience and Tangerine kept saying stupid things to get you to argue with him.

When you saw the hovel you had to share, you decided to do what you always did: try not to talk too much to get through the trip as best you could without arguments.

As soon as you got in, you asked for the bed next to the door, complete with its nightstand, so he took the other one, which didn't even have room to charge his phone.

You smiled when you saw him sit up in bed, holding his head in his hands while cursing loudly. "I wish it had been faster," you thought, sitting up in bed.

You were dead tired, but you still wanted to do some writing before going to sleep. You turned on the nightlight and placed your computer on your knees so you could type. After exactly 45 minutes, he turned to you.

"Turn off the fucking light," he complained, frowning. "What the hell are you writing?"

"My will, in case you kill me during the night," you blurted out as you continued typing, partially ignoring him.

"I'm serious, whatever you're writing can wait until tomorrow," he growled, pulling the thin blanket up.

"You're an asshole," you blurted out, tired of his comments.

"Fuck! You're…" he gritted his teeth tightly to keep from saying what he was thinking before speaking again. "Look, we're still hours away from our destination, which means we're going to have to share this place for quite some time, which means you need to be fucking reasonable." he looked at his wristwatch. "It's 1 a.m. Now go to sleep already."

You didn't reply, so he opted to get up and pull the bottle of alcohol he'd taken from the dining car out from under the bed. You raised an eyebrow, making him shrug.

"Don't give me that look," he blurted out. "If you insist on keeping me awake at this hour, I'm going to drink to drown my sorrows." He offered you the bottle. "It's vodka, it's strong," he warned. You frowned even more. "Hey, the guy who hired us forced us to share this shitty booth," he said, pointing out the obvious. "The least we can do is lighten the situation by giving him a little joy." He gestured with the bottle again. "Take it."

That's what you did. You held it in your hands and took a long swig before giving it to him again. He drank too and set it aside, shaking his head as the alcohol ran down his throat with force and settled in his stomach.

"See?" "Nothing happened," he snorted. "I'm sure you feel a little lighter now."

"Maybe," you muttered, not entirely agreeing with him. "You did really well at work the other day," he blurted out, surprising you. "I didn't know you could handle katanas like that. It was impressive."

"Was that a compliment?" you questioned. "Wow, it really hit you fast," you said, nodding at the bottle of alcohol.

"I'm not drunk yet, honey," he whispered. "It takes a lot more than that to knock me out."

"Okay," you laughed, taking another sip, not enough to be drunk, but enough to make me feel pleasantly dizzy. "Why are you being such a jerk to me?" you asked. He knew there was no way he could get out of answering, so he did. "I realize I can be a little… critical at times, but I'm the number one jerk at this," he maintained. "No one can do this better than me."

"You didn't answer the question," you observed. "Why are you so irritable?"

"Maybe because someone didn't turn off the fucking light at a normal hour so I could go to sleep," he snarled, boring into you with his blue gaze. He shook his head, as if he'd realized his tone. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you," he murmured, his head bowed for a moment before taking another sip of vodka. "The alcohol's helping a lot," he observed. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," you blurted out simply, making him smile.

"I guess we both needed to take the edge off a bit," he murmured. "Especially you, you've been very tense since we got on the train," he chuckled at the look on your face. "Although I guess I can't blame you." You're trapped here with me

You felt an electricity, the overwhelming urge that was pulsing between you like a living organism.

You didn't know if it was because the alcohol had begun to take its toll on you, or because you were feeling brave at that moment, but you took a deep breath before speaking.

"Say what you have to say."

"I have nothing to say."

"You're lying," you smiled. "You're fucking asshole at it, I've told you countless times not to."

"You tilted your head at him. "Spit it out."

He thought about it for a few moments, during which he took another sip from the bottle, before resting his elbows on his knees, so that they brushed against yours.

"Okay," he agreed, his gaze fixed on you intensely. "I find you incredibly, ridiculously, distractingly attractive," he confessed.

Of all the things he could have said, that was the one you least expected. You stared at him as if his skin had suddenly turned green.

"And being locked up here with you alone…" he shook his head. "Well, like I said, the alcohol is helping."

You sat up straighter in bed, trying to find a steady position, but to no avail. You raised your arms to stretch, revealing the shape of your breasts beneath the thin pajama top you were wearing.

Tangerine's gaze couldn't help but drop there, before returning to yours.

"Are you trying to make fun of me?" she whispered. "I don't like jokes, baby," he warned. "We've known each other long enough for you not to know." His body betrayed him, and his gaze dropped again. "Look at you, without a bra…" He pressed his lips together tightly. "You have to stop, princess."

"Why?"

"Because I don't like being made fun of, and if you keep doing that, I'm going to have to do something about it," he decreed, his tone making something deep inside you twitch nervously.

"Oh yeah?" you asked playfully. "Tell me what you'd do," you murmured.

He swore softly, making you smile. His deep, intense blue eyes looked down at you before he nodded toward you.

"Take that off, baby. I want to see you," he growled, watching your every move closely.

He didn't have to ask you twice.

He stared at you when you obeyed, patting the edge of his bed with the palm of his hand.

"Come here," he commanded softly.

His hands rested on your hips, possessive yet gentle. You felt the cold of his rings against your skin as he leaned down to kiss you.

His lips covered yours with need and calm, as if he couldn't wait to devour you but at the same time wanted to do it slowly so you could enjoy every minute of it.

He kissed your collarbone and neck before teasing your breasts before pulling away to look at you.

"Did you like that?" he asked. You nodded, unable to answer, overwhelmed by all the sensations you were experiencing.

But that didn't help.

He placed his hand on your throat, not applying any pressure, simply so you could feel his fingers wrapping around the base of your neck.

"Answer the fucking question, princess," he demanded softly.

"Yes, I liked it," you moaned, causing him to remove his hand from your neck.

"Good girl," he smiled, causing you to sigh against his mouth. "Now stand up and take off your pants," he whispered. "I want to know how you taste."

When you got rid of them, he stepped back for a moment to admire the view, making you feel desired, which you enjoyed more than you were willing to admit.

"Shit," he blurted out. "Now how am I supposed to focus on the other jobs, knowing what you were hiding underneath all that?" “Baby, you’ve been wanting me as much as I’ve been wanting you,” he gave an amused smile. “Maybe you’ve been wanting me more, seeing how quickly you’ve taken off your clothes.”

“Even now, you can’t help being an asshole,” you blurted out, making his smile widen.

“Maybe so, but I’m the asshole who’s going to fuck you, gorgeous,” he growled, making you blush violently.

He pulled you onto his lap and kissed you again.

This time, the kiss was more needy as you felt his fingers wrap around your clit, causing you to gasp against his mouth.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time,” he growled as he kissed you, sliding his fingers deeper and deeper inside you.

You bucked your hips against him, and within seconds, you felt your lower belly tense, warning you that your impending orgasm was about to arrive.

-Please Tangerine… - you gasped - please…

-Ask me nicely, baby - he whispered - ask, and I'll give it to you

-Please Tangerine, make me cum, please…

-It's hard to refuse if you ask so politely - he whispered, tugging at your clit between his fingers - but you're going to cum with my cock, like I know you want to - he said - sit down and spread your legs for me - he ordered, he shook his head - more - he said before nodding - that's it baby, such a good girl for me…

He sank into you gently at first, then began to move his hips against you with pure need.

“Do you know how many times I’ve wanted you like this, underneath me?” he growled in your ear. “Do you know?”

“I know,” you gasped, scratching his back with each thrust. “Please, Tangerine…”

“I have you, baby,” he said. “Cum for me.”

That’s what you did, unloading against him hard, just as he did moments later.

“Shit,” he took a deep breath, trying to catch his breath, just like you.

“That was very…” he whispered before giving a knowing smile. “Now I guess we can both sleep at a decent hour,” he said. “For once, don’t argue and come here, please.”

He opened his arms and you snuggled against his firm, solid chest.

-Let me hold you while you rest- he whispered in your ear- work doesn't matter now- he said- now I just want to rest with you, we'll deal with work tomorrow, together- he murmured- after all, we get along very well now

[foreverisntenough]

An update from Fie with love

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

I may be stepping away for a while, maybe forever, maybe not long. Right now, I just am unsure. I feel very disappointed in myself for not being strong enough to be here and "ignore" the hate because I've poured so much, time, effort and love into this blog. And especially lately, with 'Aperture' specifically. I have finished the next chapters, the series is completely mapped-out, but the hurt online is hurting me offline.

No one ever deserves to be told their life isn't worth living.

For those that have sent messages since my update- I will try my best to respond to them - I just need a moment but I will because I appreciate you - so please know they've meant everything to me. This has been such a horrible past 24 hours, past week but the kind messages I have received have made me feel loved despite everything that has lead me to feel otherwise. And that has made this decision all the more hard.

After deliberation and a sleepless night. I am not 100% deleting because it now would feel disrespectful to my readers/ followers/ supporters alike, I just don’t know what to say now or if I could ever redact... The support and appreciation I have received for my work from the people that enjoy it and the respect I have for myself is why I don't want to step away but I genuinely am at a loss at what to do now.

Like I've said - I’ve loved sharing my writing and creating a space for this community, but I am not a machine. I write because I love it, not to meet impossible expectations. No one has to love my work, but there is a difference between critique and cruelty. Since my update I've gotten gotten even more messages telling me "I brought this upon my self" "I never listen to what my readers want" and even in the most tame of ones, they still disrespectfully call me "lame" "whack" and "wrong" "humiliating" I could go on - all paired with 'lol', 'lmao,' and laughing emojis no less...

To those who have supported me, thank you. I wish I could articulate better what you mean to me. I appreciate you more than I can say. Maybe I’ll find the strength to return—tomorrow, next month, or maybe never. But for now...

I loved all of you that have loved Fie xx

Re: Original Update

[rizzyu]

▵▿— Sorcery Class

Pairing: Shu Yamino x fem! Reader

Category: Suggestive, hints of the saxophone dance at the end

Warning: Sussy sussy you straddling Shu, sussy sussy Shu giving you hickeys, just sussy sussy

Summary: Shu was teaching you about sorcery and potions but when you were starting to doze off, he thought of a way to help you stay focused.

A/N: Hardest part was trying to figure out what question about sorcery I can put in lol

no actually the hardest part was pressing that “post” button and showing this to the world 💀

“Alright, show me what you’ve been practising on.”

You sat on the tatami mat opposite Shu in his sorcery room. You had always been captivated by his ability to use sorcery and had been practically begging him to teach you some. For the past few weeks, you had been practising some simple sorcery skills that Shu had taught you, and today he wanted to see your progress.

With a quick circular movement of your wrist and a flash of flames, you summoned a Shikigami. The thin sheet of paper the shape of a doll was clamped between the two fingers you held out. “How’s that?” Shu gave you a smug smile. “It seems that you’ve perfectly mastered summoning Shikigamis.” You beamed happily at your achievements. “So what will you teach me next?” “How about I teach you how to make some basic potions?”

So here you are, stuck in his room, trying not to fall asleep as Shu rants on and on about the chemical properties of each potion. You were at first excited to earn about this, but the way Shu was explaining everything for hours on end like a speaking encyclopedia was not really enticing. Your eyes started feeling heavy as you leaned your cheek against your palm. You were starting to give into your tiredness when you felt your chin getting lifted up. Your eyes darted open to see Shu leaning close to your face. “Hey… are you sleeping during my class? Weren’t you the one all hyped up about me teaching you sorcery?” You felt your cheeks heat up due to the close proximity. And by “close proximity” I mean close enough for you to count his long onyx-coloured lashes.

You tried to look anywhere but his face as you tried to reason your way out of this. “Sorry… I just didn’t get enough sleep last night… And you had been talking for a long time now…” Shu looked at you with his amethyst eyes. “Well, whatever the case is, I’ll be testing you on this tomorrow, so I’d recommend you stay focused… Or if you can’t stay focused on your own… I can make you pay attention.”

That offer caught you unprepared. You turned your head to face him, eyes staring at each other. What did he mean by “I can make you pay attention”? You didn’t really know, but if it would help you get these chemical properties of the potions into your brain, it was worth a try.

…

You had never thought you’d experience straddling Shu’s lap as he teaches you sorcery, but here you are. Every time Shu sensed that you were starting to space out, he’d give you a kiss on the neck or shoulder, leaving you all flustered. To think Shu would be able to do something like this… What in the world did Vox teach him?

Before long, it was already nighttime.

“Alright let me ask you one final question before we take a break. Why do we need to use special flames with sorcery embedded in them instead of normal flames when making potions?”

“Because the special flames can work the effect of the ingredients?”

Then, without warning, Shu pressed his lips on your shoulder. And you were biting your lip to suppress that embarrassing noise in your throat threatening to come out as Shu worked wonders on your shoulder. By the time he lifted his head up, your shoulder was covered with little red spots. “Good girl, you did so well focusing in my class.” Shu gently pushed you backwards, till your back was pressed against the tatami mat and Shu was above, pinning you down as his knees were stationed between your legs. Shu bumped his knee towards you, earning a small whimper from you.

As he looked down at you with a mischievous smile on a face and lust in his eyes, he spoke. “Now that class is over, how about we take a break…?”

[opalcicle]

If They Call Me a Slut, You Know it Might be Worth it for Once

Ch. 10 Car Fries

Left you sleeping, borrowed some clothes. 😘

I send Bizly the text and a selfie in one of his big t-shirts from the back of the Uber.

It was late afternoon by the time finally I made it out of Biz's place. I'd made myself up some leftover pasta, washed the dishes, and found something to wear. He was still sleeping, butt-naked and sprawled out in his bed when I figured it was time to go.

I start a warm bath and a coffee when I make it back to my apartment. Humming as I prepare for a relaxing day and letting my good mood carry me through the self care. My legs are stiff, and my whole body aches like a bitch, but damn do I feel great. The water in the tub soothes my muscles nicely.

It's late in the day when I finally have the wherewithal to check any messages.

Grizzly

Dude you sooooo owe me a drink next time we're all out. jk. Unless? ????

No but for real we should catch up soon sounds like you've got a lot going on.

me:

Next weekend man, I drank so much last night.

Jaiden

Saw you on the dance floor. Didn't know you knew Tina. 👀

me:

Met her last weekend at Schlatt's. 😊

Hey do you know if she's into girls or like, just having some fun?

Charlie

Still up?

My heart skips a beat seeing his name. I respond without thinking.

me:

Yeah!

Wait I mean no, it's tomorrow now.

But I'm up, what's up?

There's a missed call from him as well, and a voicemail waiting. At the time I recieved it I would have been in Bizly's garage. I hold my breath for a long second, attempting to stave off the guilt creeping through my chest. Then I listen.

"Hey!" He sounds excited, "Hey, hi. I tried to find you tonight but I think you left. So like um. Are we okay? I mean, it seems like we're not, but also I miss talking to you. Dude, I ate a whole thing of fries in the car by myself and man it was weird as hell. Also I'm sorry I said I love you. I know that's like a crazy thing to do. But also, I do love you. You're for real the coolest person ever. We don't have to be together, or like anything at all. But you're my best friend, my ride or died, die? But died rhymes that sounds better. I think we should hang out. Maybe not tomorrow I drank a lot. But yeah I love you, full homo, get fucked about it, peace out, get friend zoned loser. Okay bye. Oh fuck how do I end the-" BZZZ.

Tears form in the corners in my eyes as I laugh from my belly in a way I haven't in at least weeks. I have to listen to it again, and then a third time before I can hear it without losing it a little. Holy shit, I was not gonna let him live this down. There's a reply from him when I'm done with the voicemail.

Charlie

Hey what's up?

Oh I texted you first lol.

me:

Dude you were wasted last night. Left me a spicy voicemail.

Charlie:

I WHAT

me:

How hungover are you? Pick me up for fries tomorrow?

Charlie:

Okay???

Still sore, the laughter hurts my stomach and I need to lay down. Without meaning to, I fall asleep in the coziness of my pillows before the sun had even set. I dream of peaceful nonsense and wake in the middle of the night.

There are more messages from the evening before, and I work on replying to them.

Bizly

Lookin good in my shirt

come back soon and I'll take it off for you

me:

Dude my insides need a break. 😅

Grizzly

Yeah man! Bunch of us are doing kareyoke on Friday if you wanna come.

Caryoke? Karaoke? Idk.

me:

Hell yeah, send me the location.

Jaiden

No idea man, good luck!

me:

Thanks lol

I figured I should say something to Tina too, and really mull over whats gonna sound right. Jaiden seeing us together, and asking me about it, really had me wondering what was up with the pretty girl I've been kissing while drunk. If I really am just someone she wants to kiss at parties, she's definately got the right girl for the job. Maybe she's just nervous for more? Maybe she likes to move a little slower? I settled on something short and simple:

Thanks for inviting me out, had a great time last night. I'd love to see you again soon.

Last night? Was it really just last night?

Since I'm talking to Charlie again I better send him the first edits for the photoshoot we did. Email sent. Okay cool.

Now what? I pace my living room, try to find something to watch, scroll TikTok from various uncomfortable positions on the couch.

Tina, Charlie, and Bizly. Somehow in one night I had gone from no prospects to three suitors. I giggle to myself, suitors was a strange way to put it. Maybe it's all a little too much. Too much making out, too much sex, and way too much in the feelings department.

I let out a heavy sigh as I try to distract myself with various apps. Maybe I need a vacation. Why not? I sit up, excited by the idea. I can edit from my laptop, take a break from streaming. Ah shit streaming, maybe I'd already taken a long enough break. No. No! I deserve a Holliday. Suddenly I'm browsing travel sites, checking flights, looking for sunny beaches and all-you-can eat buffets. What if I find like, an adventure package?

It's the wee hours of the night and I've eaten, gotten ready for bed again, and settled under the covers all while planning out the details for a next-month solo getaway. By the time reservations are made and flights are booked, my heavy eyes sink closed. Before I fall asleep, one fleeting thought, does this count running away?

In the late morning, confirmation emails remind me of my new plans, and the thought of running is long gone. A message from Charlie sits in my notifications while I start my day. I update my discord, "Streaming tonight, 7pm, dunno what we're playing yet," and close the app before replies flood in. Then I check the message.

Charlie

Hey lmk when you're ready

me:

Dude how do you wake up so early?

But yeah, ready anytime.

I feel nerves build as I wait for him to arrive. The new hickies down my neck are a bright red and I debate trying to hide them, but I don't want to lie. I still haven't promised anything to anyone, but hurting Charlie is easily one of the things I've started to hate the most. When he pulls up I have to fight the desire to lock myself into my apartment.

Climbing into his car, a million things go though my mind, and in the last second I decide on finding another new nick name, "Hey Char... lie, no wait that's just your name. I'm running out of these."

He smiles at me awkwardly, hand nervously readjusting his hair. "Hey," is all he says.

"Fries?" I turn the music up as we pull away. It's still the playlist I shared with him. Thankfully the songs fill the space so we don't have to, and inspite of everything neither of us can resist singing a good song. "I'm working late, cause I'm a singer. Boy you look so cute, wrapped round my finger," I sing the part of the song we'd long ago decided was my line.

"Your twisted humour, makes me laugh so often, My honey bee, come and get this pollen," he continues before we both join together for the pre-chorus. Inspite of all the ways I like to bug Charlie, I always let him have the melody when we car duet. He loves showing off in song and I could never deny him that. We do our goofy dance moves and add our weird vocal quirks, and by the time we've made it to the drive through were laughing at eachother uncontrollably. Charlie has to stop and calm himself before we pull up to order.

Down the road, music low again, I make an attempt at normal conversation, "You know I've never asked, are you okay being the one whose always driving us around?"

He glances at me, raw emotion on his face. Fear, or maybe closer to worry, is plain in his eyes. We don't usually do deep conversation. Even me asking him how he feels about something I expect, it's definately off course.

"Y-yeah, its our rhythm, we just do it this way," he replies.

"Hmm," I barely respond, lost in my own thought. It's quiet until I speak again, "I don't ask you how you feel about a lot of things,"

It's not a question, and he doesn't answer. But after awhile he sighs, "Soo.... You saw Bizly again,"

This isn't a question either, but I sigh back, hand darting up to my neck. "I did," there's a sadness in my own voice that I don't dare call attention to.

"That's fine," he says it so quiet.

"Is it?" I hear my own voice demanding the question.

"It's-" he pauses for a long time, "let's go somewhere and talk."

Charlie takes us to a parking spot near some old baseball diamonds. They're mostly empty today. We pick at the fries for an unbearably quiet few minutes.

"I, uh- look if you'd rather be with Biz..." He trails off.

"That's not it," I shake my head. "It's like, just sex,"

"I know. I can't do that," he looks out over the diamonds through his windshield.

"No, Charlie I-" I hear myself getting defensive and take a breath, "I'm not trying to choose between anyone, I don't want him more than you,"

"It's fine-"

"No, listen!" I cut him off, anger showing its head again. I close my eyes and take several deep breaths this time. "I want you Charlie, and I like you, a lot. Not just as friends,"

His head turns to me and he looks confused.

"I'm sorry I got so mad at you. I'm sorry I freaked out. I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you." Tears immediately start falling from my face and I feel like an idiot. Charlie deserves an apology, an explanation, even if it means I have to experience my own emotions. "I'm scared, Char. I don't think I can be what you want- that I can handle something serious again. And now it's out there, now I'm having feelings and you're having feelings and we can't put them back where they came from. It scares me,"

"It's okay," he tries to sooth me, but I'm not having it.

"It's not okay. You're sad. I'm sad. Everything's fucked," my words come out softer now, the anger and frustration disappearing with my confession of fear.

"We really don't talk about our feelings," he says, looking back out the front window, "I guess this was going to boil over at some point,"

Coldness creeps over my skin as I anticipate him saying he doesn't want to see me again. Instead he takes my hand. We sit there, and he lets me cry. It's uncomfortable, but it's a start. If we've got all these stored up emotions, they have to come out somehow.

"I've been scared too, I don't want to lose you," he says when my tears slow.

"I'm not going anywhere," then I remember the vacation I booked, "except actually, I've got a trip coming up in about six weeks, and I think like maybe, that also counts a little bit as running away." I look at him and smile, exaggerating my discomfort in a toothy grin.

He laughs. This fucker looks at me and laughs. I start to laugh too, doubling over in his car until I have to catch my breath.

"Oh my god, you're so dramatic," he teases.

"You're the weirdo who likes me," I poke fun right back.

As the scarier feelings subside for us both, he asks, "What now?"

"I think maybe we talk about it more," my face scrunches at the thought, "but like later, because I haven't done this whole communication thing in years, and I missed you, and I want to make you listen to the message you left me,"

"Oh gaawwd," he groans, "I was hoping you forgot about that.

"It's really sweet, and I want to make you blush again," I wink at him before pulling up my voicemail.

As he listens his face and ears get red and I watch him in adoration. There really is no going back now. We've opened the door to something strange and new, and will just have to see where it takes us.

I can't help but laugh as the voicemail ends. "Full homo?" I ask.

"Shut uuuup," he complains, shoving fries in his mouth.

"It's cute. Made me laugh," I take a fry as well. "Charlie, I-" it's hard to say the words. The red in his face is still present, making it so easy to look at him. I lean over the center console and kiss him softly in the cheek. "Me too, full homo,"

The blush creeps up his ears and an easy, goofy smile lights up his face. He turns quickly to look at me and the moment feels so right, so much like us. He kisses me softly, slowly. I kiss him back. The heat starts to build between us and I pull away before it can get any further.

"Third time's the charm?" He says it lightly.

"Hmm?" The kiss transfered his blush to my cheeks. I was bright red as well.

"For a first kiss? Third time's the charm,"

"Yeah, Charlie, third time's the charm." I lean back in the passenger seat with a little grin as he pulls the car out and drives off.

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

Yayy here we go

Can you please write a goldenheart one-shot where Ballister breaks something which belongs to Ambrosius (the way he broke it damaged Bal's health too, like a cut or something) and is afraid that Ambrosius will get mad at him only to be surprised that all Ambrosius cares about is his safety?? It doesn't have to be angsty in particular, I'm all for it if you do make it angsty lol

Ayo!!!

Alright we're trying to work on drabbles again. Here you go, I hope you like it! (Movieverse)

-

Ballister leaned back against the headboard of the dorm bed, playing video games while his boyfriend studied for the upcoming Institute exam. Ballister, by this point, felt confident. He had been studying. Ambrosius, on the other hand, had not. So, he was taking the evening to relax and play video games on Ambrosius’s computer. It was way nicer than anything he could afford, he just used the one the Institute issued him for classwork.

Ambrosius yawned and rubbed his eyes. “I'm gonna take a coffee break. Want anything?”

Ballister hummed. “I'll just take hot chocolate, the exam is tomorrow, I'll need to get to sleep early.” He failed to hide the smirk at the look his boyfriend gave him, knowing he would be up all night making up for his prior laziness.

Ambrosius left the room, and Ballister reached for his water bottle off the bedside table. While drinking, he accidentally aspirated some of the water and choked, reacting too late to dropping the water bottle onto the laptop. The heavy bottle split the keyboard and water spilled into the mechanism, causing it to smoke and short-circuit.

In his frantic attempt to fix it, Ballister winced as the broken metal sliced his fingertips and lightly burned his hand. “No no no no, shit!”

Ambrosius ran into the room and Ballister wanted to sink into the floor with shame. He could feel tears welling into his eyes. Since he was small, he knew the value of things. Breaking toys at the orphanage was punished harshly, as there was hardly any money to go around to buy new ones. When he was even littler, his mom was never cruel to him, but her frustration when he ruined or broke things in the apartment where they already had so little was apparent. He saw what happened to people on the streets when they stole food. Loaves of bread were worth more than starving people, and an expensive laptop was worth far more than Ballister.

“Ambrosius, I broke it, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, I choked on my water and dropped it, I– I'm so sorry–!” He broke down and his vision blurred. “I'll replace it somehow, I promise!”

He felt the laptop removed from his lap and soft hands examine his own. “Never mind that!” Ambrosius said, his voice urgent but soft. “Look at your poor hand, are you okay?”

Ballister sniffled. “What?”

“Bal, you’re all cut up! And the sparks got your fingers. Gloreth knows what those tech companies put in here, you got your tetanus shots, right?”

Ballister nodded softly. “I'm so, so, so sorry. I'll replace it. Or– or I'll fix it! I'll build you a new one!”

Ambrosius waved him off, as if it was nothing. “Don't even worry about that right now! Do you think they need stitches? Maybe I should take you to the med hall.”

“No, no, they're fine, I'll rinse them off and put on some bandages. Ambrosius, won't you listen to me? Didn't you see I broke your laptop?” He hiccupped. Ambrosius met his eyes, his own filled with worry. “Bal, honey, I don't care about that. It was an accident. Besides, this was just my gaming laptop, all my Institute documents are backed up, no harm was done except you being hurt.”

“No harm– your laptop is broken! That thing is worth thousands of dollars!”

“I hate to flex my wealth, Bal, but to my family, that laptop isn't expensive. And even if it was, I don't need it. What I need is for my boyfriend who I love more than anything in the world to be safe and happy.” He kissed Ballister on the nose.

Ballister was too stunned to respond, really. He couldn't imagine the privilege of just disregarding an object so expensive, but he got the impression that Ambrosius wouldn't care about the value either way. How could a few cut up fingers, on him, be worth more? He wasn't the Queen, he wasn't worth fussing over.

Ambrosius, as though he read his mind, nuzzled against his temple and stroked his hair. “You're something money could never buy. I liked my laptop, but I love you.”

Ballister eventually ended up making him a new laptop anyway, despite his insistence it wasn't necessary, but every time he looked at the little scars on his middle and ring fingers, he remembered the first day he'd ever felt truly valued.

[slothquisitor]

Til Our Bones Sleep

Summary: In which Rook feels a bit untethered, and Lucanis is relieved to have her back. Title is from Bones Sleep by Haffway and Bo Stalach. Here there be smut, my friends. Lucanis/Rook, 7.3k. lol

Also on AO3.

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Weeks. Camina has been gone for weeks . Is it any wonder then, that she feels so utterly untethered? Her sense of self feels thin, stretched too tight, too far, on the verge of snapping completely. How does she know that this is real…that her friends, the Lighthouse, that any of it is real? That it’s not some trick of her mind?

Because even as they enter the familiar halls of the Lighthouse, she finds herself unable to be relieved at the familiarity, unable to banish the suspicion she feels glancing around every corner. As though now she realizes the extent of Solas’s attack on her mind, it might all look different. The Lighthouse became home, so she had forgotten that it was never her home. No, because it has always been Solas’s. The God of Lies.

It is no wonder then that thinking of Varric, that holding onto any piece of him had felt so difficult outside of the Lighthouse. Solas had always had the most power over her here. Everything has a touch of unreality to it, and she hates that it’s making her question every moment, every conversation, everything. What was real? What wasn’t? What else was a manipulation she didn’t see? What other lies has she chosen to believe? What else is she still missing?

She’s silently reeling, but her friends haven’t stopped talking. Haven’t stopped telling her everything they know, everything she’s missed in these last weeks. They keep looking at her like she has any answers for them, any plans that might solve all their many problems. Lucanis is the quietest, but he hasn’t let go of her, and suddenly the weight of all of their expectations, all their hope is just too heavy to hold. She’s grateful then that Willow realizes it, pulls her away from their anxious looks and gets her up to her room. 

Camina was crumbling before, but she feels as though part of her has unravelled completely now. She and Will don’t talk, they don’t need to, not while Camina removes her armor and Will runs a bath for her. She’s still not sure she trusts this, and isn't sure how to trust anything.

She stands a little limply, staring into the watery depths of whatever lies beyond her room. Camina hears Will approaching her from the wash room. She folds her arms, but doesn’t dare turn around. “Tell me something only Will would know.”

Camina doesn’t dare look at her friend, not if she’s not really here…not if this is some facsimile of her life, her friend. But she doesn’t trust herself, not anymore. What else has been conjured here?

“You dragged me dress shopping ahead of the Winter Hunt ball. I complained the whole time, but mostly about the awful chairs in the atelier because you insisted on trying on no less than fifteen dresses,” Willow says. It is a story she’s never told anyone here, something she’d half-forgotten herself. But she remembers.

It is only then that Camina turns, that she accepts this must be Willow, must truly be her friend. When she does, she feels the tears building. Tries to will them away. “It was worth it.”

Will pulls her into a hug. “We’ll agree to disagree. Now, did you get yourself sucked into a Fade prison just to get out of me being mad at you about setting me and Emmrich up?”

The tears finally fall, but she’s doing her best to turn her sob into a laugh. “Did it work?”

Will pulls back then. “Of course it worked! On all counts. Please never do anything like that again.”

Cam wipes furiously at the tears that just seem to keep coming. Hasn’t she cried enough today? “Definitely not an experience I want to repeat.”

“I have to go back to the Necropolis, update Myrna and Vorgoth and get the Watchers ready to go to Minrathous tomorrow,” Willow says. “Are you going to be alright?”

She has no idea what to expect in Minrathous, only that the Veil Jumpers have scoured the Crossroads, have found an eluvian that leads to an estate on the outskirts of the city. There’s no planning she can do until she understands what’s awaiting them, she’s expecting a full report when they travel there themselves tomorrow. She’s simultaneously impatient to get there and wishing she could sleep for at least ten years. 

“I’m fine,” she lies, and hopes her best, and oldest friend doesn’t call her on it. 

“You’re not, but I know you and you will be. Take a beat, but don’t hide in here. You’ve built something here, Cam. Something special. All these people? They’ve been missing you, and they need you and you need them,” Will says. 

She can feel that, feel the way they’re all relying on her, wanting her to have the perfect plan. They all want her to have the solution to all of this, but she doesn’t. She’s not sure she ever did. Trusting herself has never been Camina’s problem, but everything feels so off-center now. As if the whole world has tilted and one wrong step will send her falling into the abyss. She’s reluctant to let Will go, this single anchor she trusts to be reality, but there are so many more important things than her fears.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

Will smiles. “Count on it.”

Camina doesn’t let herself think more than one or two steps ahead. She washes up, puts on a set of clean clothes, and leaves her room. She starts with Emmrich because she’s sure it will be the easiest conversation of the day. She’s not wrong. He tells her all about the discoveries he, Will, and Neve made over the last few weeks. If she weren’t so tired, so emotionally exhausted, she’s sure she’d have a million questions. 

“There is one more thing,” he says, stepping near his desk. “We had to borrow this.”

He hands her the copy of her dissertation she’d never returned to Lucanis. “You needed this?”

“Used it to tune my death compass to you,” he replies, handing her the small golden instrument. “I’d like you to have it.”

A Watcher death compass is used for navigation in the Necropolis, a necessity in a place where the rooms move around. She still remembers taking her oaths, being given her own compass and the opportunity to tune it to a place within the Necropolis. It was a time-honored tradition that she’d been proud to be part of, to be a real Watcher. Emmrich’s compass is beautiful, gold inlaid with small emerald beetles. When she opens it, it points right to her. 

“I can’t take this, Emmrich. It’s yours.”

His face is kind. “I’ve never needed it, and at any rate, it points to you. You, who have been our guide and our leader. We are quite lucky to have you back.”

And she wants to believe it. That she is back, that this is real. She closes her hand around the compass and holds it tight enough to feel the bite of the gems into her palm. “Thank you.”

She finds Neve in Bellara’s workshop. They exchange awkward apologies that neither really want to receive. Camina worries that somehow, she and Neve seem destined to always feel as though they’ve disappointed each other. Camina feels as though she’s drowning in guilt for not realizing Varric was dead, for seeming callous, unfeeling. No wonder things with Harding were so tense, had she believed Camina simply did not care? Neve apologizes for not figuring it out herself, for not realizing there was blood magic at play, as though it could have fixed everything if she’d simply solved the case. And they are both sorry that Camina’s decision to have Bellara undo the wards has somehow led them here, to an empty workshop filled only with silence and the tenuous hope that they might still be able to save her. There is so much guilt that lies between them and so little of it is truly their fault. Still, Camina is surprised when she pulls her into a hug, when she tells her it’s good to have her back. 

Her visit with Davrin is somehow the most hopeful. She’s too wrung out for their usual laughing and joking and he seems to sense it, keeps it easy, light. Walks her through everything they know, every bit of information the Shadow Dragons had sent them before going dark. She can see it for what it is: a reporting in. Ever the Warden. She knows that with her gone he’s been keeping the team together. He says he’s ready. She sees through the bravado, but she’s too tired to challenge it, not when they’re headed right back into battle tomorrow. She gives Assan a good rub behind the ears and then makes the trek back inside the Lighthouse for the conversation she’s dreading most. 

Taash kneels in front of a small altar in their room. Camina notices that they’re wearing the hairpin they’d gifted Harding next to the bit of their mother’s horn. 

“Hey, how you feeling?” Taash asks as she enters the room. The words are devoid of emotion, filled with a forced lightness that is its own tell. 

“Tired,” she answers honestly. 

Taash nods. “Yeah. I bet.”

“Taash, I’m so sorry about Lace.”

Taash looks away from her, glowers at the altar they’re still kneeling in front of. “She saved us. Saved me. She was so small and so strong.”

“She was incredible,” Camina agrees.

Taash still won’t look at her, she thinks she sees the glimmer of tears in their eyes. “And now she’s dead. Just like my mother. I knew it was a mistake. Everyone I love dies.”

To lose their mother and the person they love so close together, Camina cannot imagine the pain or the grief. If this is the Fade, the hurt she feels is all too real. “I don’t think they’d want you to think about it that way. Either of them.”

Taash finally looks at her, face twisted in grief, tears escaping their eyes. “How do you know?”

“Because they loved you too.”

Taash looks away from her. “Yeah, well. Just tell me when it’s time to go kick Elgar’nan’s ass. I’m ready.”

Camina can see that she’s not going to reach them in their grief, not today anyway. And it’s okay as long as they know everyone else is there for them too. “Thank you for helping bring me back.”

Taash nods, rolls their shoulders. “Of course. Can’t do this without you.”

She gently places her hand on their shoulder as she leaves, wishes she had answers or a way to fix this, make it all better. But she just doesn’t. 

And there’s still one more person she needs to see, but she can’t quite bring herself to go there yet. It’s not that she doesn’t want to see Lucanis, she does. So much. It’s just that she’s not sure she knows what to think of everything anymore. What if every moment she had believed to have passed between them was just another trick of the Fade? What if she’s read too much into whatever they have been together? He’d clearly been relieved when she’d been pulled from the Fade, that much was clear, but did it mean anything else? She’s not ready to ask the question she knows she must. 

And maybe she doesn’t have to ask those questions, not quite yet. Maybe she can just take a moment alone in her room. She slips inside, collapses heavily on the chaise and closes her eyes against the fear and the grief and the exhaustion threatening to consume her. It’s all so much, too much. She just needs someone to tell her this is going to be alright, that the battle isn’t already lost. Her team is here, but she doesn’t dare show any of them just how afraid she is.

“I cannot believe we found you.”

Camina knows she was dozing off by the fact it takes her a moment to register the voice, and the owner. Well, at least it saves her a trip. She sits up, rallying her courage. “I’m a little surprised too, honestly.”

He’s paused just a few feet away, staring at her intensely, as though he’s still trying to convince himself she really is here. “I thought I'd never see you again.”

The confession settles heavily between them. What can she give him now, but her own?

“I didn't think I'd ever get out of there. How do I know if I really did? This could be more of the Fade. He played with my mind, and I…I don’t know what’s real anymore.” It’s hard to look at him, hard to admit this out loud. Saying it makes it real, makes it possible. 

But then he is there, dropping down before her, gently taking his hands in hers. She can see the glimmer of tears in his eyes. “You’re here. This is real.” There’s so much wonder in every line of his face, and the words are so soft, as though he is also trying to convince himself of that fact. 

There’s a question she needs to ask, confessions she needs to make, but then he’s pressing forward and his lips are on hers. The kiss is a soft thing, tender, over too quickly. She scarcely has the time to register it’s happened, to rest her hand against his shoulder before he’s pulled away. His eyes search hers as though this kiss is a question asked rather than a confession itself. 

“Please don’t go,” she whispers, hating how broken the words sound. 

His brown eyes look at her so gently, so fondly. “Never,” he promises, and he surges forward, capturing her lips in a kiss that feels as though he’s trying to pour every lost moment into this one. He pushes her back onto the chaise, body settling over hers, a warm, solid weight. 

This kiss isn’t careful like the first, it is still gentle, still sweet, but this kiss is filled with hunger. One hand is in her hair, the other skates down her waist as she pulls him closer. He tastes like coffee, warm and comforting and familiar. She feels the wings that emerge from his back before watching them curl around them both protectively. 

Lucanis pulls back, forehead resting against hers. “Someone else missed you too.”

“Is that so?” she asks, clinging more tightly to him. 

Lucanis’s eyes blink, shift to purple. “Rook is back.”

“Yeah, thanks for bringing me back.”

The purple fades and Lucanis dips his head, pressing kisses along her jaw. “Next time, please don’t go where I can’t follow.”

She cups his face. “Lucanis-”

“I love you.”

Oh. And there it is, the declaration she’s been wanting to give him. The words she’d kept back before Tearstone. But here he is, beating her to them. She doesn’t care if this is the Fade, if this isn’t real. Whatever this is, she wants it. She wants it in a way that makes her heart ache, filled to the brim and overflowing.

“You know my mind. I've assumed you know my heart because... it beats for you. It's been beating...when I wanted you. When I was afraid to want you...I kept so much back from you, and when you disappeared…” His words come out in a rush, his voice choked with emotion. “I thought I’d lost you…and that I’d never get the chance to tell you.”

“I love you, too,” she manages. She can see the effect the words have on him, as if he wasn’t quite sure she felt the same and now he is. Out in the open at last, both of them laid bare. She didn’t imagine this, wasn’t reading too much into every look or every touch. And maybe the world is ending and maybe it’s her job to save it, but not tonight. Tonight, she gets to have this. 

She pulls Lucanis back in, kissing him fiercely. She swallows his surprised huff, drinks down all their shared wonder as they hold to each other. Camina can feel the racing of his heart, the way it matches hers. His mouth opens to hers and their tongues meet, moving together as the kiss deepens. He is ever gentle from the soft sweeping of his thumbs across her cheeks to the way he runs his fingers down her neck to cup her shoulder. Every touch, every kiss is maddeningly unhurried as though he is taking the time to memorize every part of her. 

She’s unprepared for how overwhelming the full force of his attention is as he kisses across her jaw right below her ear. She feels as though she’s unraveling, but he seems as even-keeled as ever, so she reaches for the buttons of his shirt, looking to even the playing field. Camina wants Lucanis as utterly wrecked as she feels. The sooner the better. 

After managing a single button on his vest, he pulls back enough to catch her hands in one of his, pausing her progress. His lips are kiss-bitten red, eyes half-lidded as he looks at her with open fondness.

“I should tell you…” He glances away from her, cheeks turning a lovely shade of red. If she didn’t think it’d set him back, she’d tell him how lovely he looks when he blushes. “I’m not…this isn’t…I don’t…this is new for me.”

Oh. “‘This’ being…?”

He groans, pressing his face into her neck. “Please don’t make me say it, Camina.”

“I’m going to need you to say a little bit of it,” she says, stroking his hair. “So…you’ve never…”

“Not, not never,” he admits, pulling away, putting distance between them she doesn’t want, but she lets him have the retreat. “I have…tried. It’s just…none of this has ever made sense to me. People would talk about being with someone…saying things like ‘one thing led to another’ and I never understood that. It sounded like a skill issue.”

She wants to laugh at how perfectly him that is. He prides himself on control. That’s why being saddled with Spite was so difficult. “So you’re not interested in sex?”

“Usually no. But then you came along and…it’s like everything everyone has been talking about my whole life makes sense? I can’t stop thinking about you. Is this what everyone feels all the time? How does anyone get anything done?” 

“Well, probably not all the time,” she says with a smile. “So you’ve…tried before?”

He sighs as he untangles them and sits up. “Yes? At first…the first time I thought I just…wasn’t into women. That that was the problem, but then I felt equally…unmoved with a man…I just…I thought the problem was me. That maybe there was something broken inside me in that there was this thing everyone else in the world seems to want and I just…didn’t?”

“You are not broken,” she says firmly, willing him to believe it. 

“I…I don’t believe that anymore…because now my body and my mind seem to finally be in agreement about what I want.”

“And that is?”

“You,” he says simply. “I knew I cared for you for a while, but I realized this a few weeks back while reading a book…I’ve always enjoyed romances, but I’ve never cared much for those parts. But that time…I…” His face turns a deep crimson. “I imagined you,” he whispers as if it is some shameful secret. 

Oh, his embarrassment is the most endearing thing she’s ever seen. She takes his hand. “There’s no need to be embarrassed about that. I’ve certainly imagined you.”

When he meets her gaze his eyes are wide. “You have?”

She scoots closer to him and kisses his knuckles. “Yeah, but I didn’t need a book to give me ideas.”

The laugh that escapes him is breathy, almost surprised. “Camina…”

“What do you think makes this time different?” 

He looks at the comfortable tangle of their hands before looking back up at her. “I think maybe it’s that I love you. That I trust you. I don’t know. It just…it’s so much. I’m afraid of how much…how badly I want.”

“So we take it slow?” she asks, sweeping her thumb across the back of his hand. As long as she gets to spend tonight with him, she’ll take whatever pieces of himself he’s offering. 

His other hand cups her cheek, pulls her in so that their foreheads meet. “Cam..I…I want . When you were gone, all I could think about was how much time I’d wasted with you…how many things I never got to say or do or…” he closes his eyes briefly and when they reopen, determination burns in his eyes. “I’m not wasting another second of it now I’ve got you back.”

Because maybe in a perfect world they would get more than this single night. But they’ll play the hand they’ve been dealt, both of them. “And Spite? How does he factor into all this?”

He glances toward where she assumes Spite must be. “He’s just happy to be around you. I don’t get the impression he really cares or understands what’s happening right now.”

“So he’s like…watching?” 

“I can’t exactly ask him to leave,” Lucanis replies. 

She laughs because it is a little funny. “I wasn’t asking for that…I’m just…you share a body. If we’re going to be intimate, I need to understand to what degree he’s also involved.”

“In this? Preferably not at all?” 

“Whatever the two of you have worked out is fine by me.”

He blushes an even deeper crimson. “Maker. You’ve thought about this.” 

She shrugs. “A bit. There are considerations.”

Lucanis sighs. “Speaking of considerations…um…do we need…”

“Protection?” She says bluntly if only to see the way he blushes even more. “Already taken care of, on my end.”

He looks half-scandalized, half-delighted. “Presumptuous.”

She laughs and swats his arm. “Not everything is about you, you know. I’ve been taking a contraceptive for years because my cycles are debilitatingly awful. I’m not about to go off fighting gods as a day job when I could also be knocked flat by hormones.”

He nods a little awkwardly. “So…”

“So,” she climbs into his lap, straddling his hips, moving slowly enough he could stop her, but he doesn't; he rests his hands against her thighs, moving slowly up and down. His head is tipped back, watching her in a sort of awe. Now that she knows to look for it, she can see the nerves, the uncertainty, but also the determination. “Why don’t you show me what was in that book of yours?”

“Mierda.” But his hands are on the buttons of her shirt and his lips are pressed against her throat, moving slowly lower as he peels her shirt away. His fingers fumble a bit with her breastband, but it’s hard to focus on that when he’s pressing his lips against her breastbone, one hand wrapped around her waist, the other cupping her bare breast. Lucanis moves with a worshipful grace, nothing but adoration in his gaze. 

She finds herself breathing hard as she watches him, as he slowly, carefully, kisses his way across the swell of her breast, tongue circling the peak before drawing it into his mouth. She finds herself bowing over him, gripping his shoulders too tight as her hips shift impatiently against his. If she had her way, they’d both be naked by now, but she doesn’t want to push him, wants to let him set the pace here. And he seems frighteningly, maddeningly, unhurried as the rasp of his beard rubs against her other breast and he lavishes the same attention there.

He seems to be aware of the effect he’s having on her because she catches just a hint of smugness before he pulls her into a kiss that sends her thoughts scattering. He clutches her to him as he lays her back down on the chaise, his body settling over hers. She marvels at how perfectly they slot together, that she cannot seem to get quite enough of him. 

His hips shift against hers so tentatively she’s not sure if it’s purpose or instinct on his part, but she feels his erection and notices his sharp intake of breath as their bodies meet. She’s already reaching for the buttons of his shirt again when he breaks off their kiss, mouth traveling lower and lower down her body. He pauses, pressing an open-mouthed kiss against the softness of her lower stomach, his eyes meeting hers in askance. 

She helps him, kicking off her boots and lifting her hips so he can ease her pants and smallclothes down, leaving her completely bare before him. 

His gaze sweeps up her body with a reverence that makes her breathless. “You’re beautiful,” he says, pressing a kiss against the inside of her knee. 

She can’t remember wanting anyone as badly as she wants Lucanis right now. It’s dizzying how badly she needs him to touch her. “Lucanis…” 

Lucanis’s hand drifts lazily up the inside of her thigh, continually unhurried. She wonders if he’s doing this on purpose, if he realizes what drawing this out is doing to her. She’s not one to beg, but she might if he keeps this up. And then in an idle sweep his fingers slide high enough to catch in the wetness there and she bites back a moan. She knows that his touch is careful, full of discovery and fumbling, but it’s bliss anyway, his fingers gently exploring her folds as she kisses him, hard. The juxtaposition isn’t lost on her, and she’s trying to give him time, trying to match his sweetness even in her impatience. 

But as a finger enters her, she finds herself tugging at his hair, his shirt, hips moving restlessly against the pressure of his hand. She’s already close, she can feel the building of pleasure and she is very near directing him to add another figure when he does it of his own initiative and she comes around the delicious stretch of his fingers. 

When she opens her eyes, she finds that his are blown wide with desire, and he’s watching her with a delighted fascination. “Was that…?”

She doesn’t trust herself to words so she simply nods. Something in his wonder turns sharper, and his hand begins moving and his lips are more sure and the rhythm he sets more certain. She finds that she can do nothing but cling to him as he pushes her higher again, clearly attempting to replicate his earlier triumph. 

 Her second orgasm is more elusive than the first, requires her own hand sliding between them, working at her clit. He watches her closely, seems to make note of her every movement, but then she shatters and the only thought left is that she is not touching nearly enough of him, that she wants nothing more than the feel of his skin against hers. She reaches for the buttons of his vest and shirt for the third time, hoping for more success and finding little with trembling fingers. 

“Why are you wearing so many damn layers?” she asks. She briefly entertains ripping his shirt open, but isn’t sure how that would be received even if she’d happily fix the buttons after. He must see something of the idea in her face though because he kisses her hands and stands up.

He makes quick work of his collar chain, tossing his cravat aside and working with quick fingers over the remaining buttons of his shirt. He glances at her, still sprawled out on the chaise before raising a single brow. “What? And deprive you of the view?”

She laughs. “Oh, so you do know you’re pretty. I’d wondered.”

“I…” His cheeks flush that pretty shade of red again. Oh, flustering him like this might be her new favorite thing. “You’re rather disarming, you know that?”

“Literally?” She grins. “Just how many daggers do you keep on your person at all times? I’m guessing at least two.” 

He divests himself of his pants, his hard cock bobbing slightly. She looks pointedly at it. “Make that three.”

He’s been too flustered to laugh, but she can tell that gets him. He scrubs a hand down his face as he lets out a breathy laugh and she takes the opportunity to openly appreciate the view, as he’d suggested. There’s a fine dusting of hair across his chest, arms and legs. She can see the scar he’d told her about, the faint slash of lighter skin on his ribs. But she can see many other scars besides, most of them faded. She wants to know the story of every single one.

She holds out her hand. “Come here, I want to touch you.”

Lucanis crawls over her, leaning in to kiss her. He hovers right above her lips. “The correct answer was three,” he replies, smiling as he kisses her. 

“Can I guess where you’d hidden them?” she asks, running her hands across the broad expanse of his chest, drinking in his sighs as her hands find the places he particularly likes. 

“Only if you don’t make any more terrible jokes,” he replies, stroking her thigh as she wraps her legs around his waist. 

She grins. “One in each boot.”

He rumbles something that sounds like yes against her throat, and it immediately becomes difficult to manage any rational thought. She rolls her hips against his and is rewarded with the near perfect slide of his cock through her folds. It would take so little, just a slight change of angle and he’d be inside her. 

“The last one, here?” she asks, hand on his lower back pulling him back into her. 

“Camina,” he groans against her lips. The syllables are drawn out, nearly broken. 

“Lucanis,” she replies teasingly, nipping his bottom lip. 

“You’re impossible,” he breathes. 

She smiles. “But in a good way?”

“It’s what I love about you,” he replies, and he shifts back just a little before pressing inside of her. 

Anything she might have said is lost to the sensation of him, both of them breathless. His eyes have fallen shut, his forehead pressed against hers and one hand tight on her hip. Like with everything else tonight, he is unhurried in this too, fully seated within her, but he doesn’t move, not quite yet.  

It is all at once too much and not enough. He makes her greedy, desperate. “Lucanis…”

And then he is moving, lips pressing against hers in near bruising force. His hips snap forward and she clutches his shoulders, riding the wave of pleasure that begins to build. She can feel herself steadily rising higher with each meeting of their joined bodies, but then she feels the tension in his shoulders dissipate as he comes, suddenly and quickly.  

His eyes when they meet hers are unfocused and he looks slightly abashed. He groans as he hides his face in her neck. “Mierda…that’s…I’ve read enough romance novels to know that’s not how this part is supposed to go.”

She breathes out a laugh, running her hands through his hair and hoping to coax him into at least looking at her. “Some of those novels are also full of things I don’t think are anatomically possible, so let’s maybe not use them as the standard?”

He pulls back just enough; he looks utterly undone. She loves him like this. “Cam-”

She kisses him soundly. “I love you. This was perfect.”

His arms tighten around her. “I love you. I just…I wanted…”

She presses a finger against her lips. “I’m sure you have plenty of ambitions, and I’m positive we can work our way up to them.” She wants nothing more than to pretend that this first isn’t also the last.

He kisses her cheek as he rolls to the side and she reaches for the blanket that had been unceremoniously pushed off the chaise by their activities. She opens it over them both and curls into him. She loves the press of her skin against his, the way he drops a kiss against her bare shoulder. 

“Did you really manage to make a dirty joke in the middle of all that?” he asks. 

She grins at him. “Seemed like the most appropriate time, really.”

He curls into her, ear pressed against her heart and she takes the opportunity to run her fingers through his hair. “I don’t think I’ve blushed that much in my whole life.”

“I know, it was adorable.” 

He grumbles a little, but pulls her closer, and she settles into the quiet. For all that today has been, the emotions and the exhaustion, she wouldn’t trade it. Not if it leads her here. Not if it means she’s with him. She’s been stroking his hair for a while when he twitches slightly, as though startling awake.

“Are you falling asleep?”

He pulls back enough to prop his head up with a hand. “No. I never sleep.”

“It's all right if you do. Spite and I can play cards or something.”

He shakes his head. “Don't say that. I haven't taught him Wicked Grace yet. I'm not afraid of him. I just don't want to waste time now that you're here.”

“You still have to sleep sometimes.”

He smiles. “With you here, like this?” He glances pointedly at her naked body. “I’d rather stay awake.”

“Stay awake all night? However shall we pass the time?”

His fingers skate softly across her collarbone, he watches their progress before looking back at her. “Would you talk to me? Your voice is a comfort.”

She pulls him back in. “Sure. I’ll tell you the story of a charming Crow who stole the heart of a hapless Watcher.”

He catches her hand, kisses it. “I think that one might be my favorite.”

***

Despite all joking to the contrary, in the end, they do sleep. Camina drifts off first and then Lucanis follows, tucking the blanket around them both as he wraps an arm around her waist. He wakes first, to the dim blue glow of the aquarium walls in her room. It used to bother him, used to be a reminder of the Ossuary, but some time in the last few weeks with her missing, this space has shifted into the familiar, the comfortable. When he wakes, he barely registers anything beyond the existence of her. 

They have both shifted in their sleep, and she’s turned away from him lying on her side. Her dark hair spills out around her, and he can hear the slow, steadiness of her breathing. He curls in around her, moving carefully enough not to wake her, but feeling too selfish not to want to hold her in this quiet, stolen moment. They’d never bothered getting dressed last night, so he’s treated to the exquisite silkiness of her skin against his.

Spite peers at Camina with interest. He’d been restless and frustrated the entire time Camina was gone, but seems perfectly content now. “Safe?”

He recognizes the question for what it is, for all that it is. “Safe,” he whispers back, tightening his hold on Camina.

He still cannot quite believe that she’s here. He knows that it was not weeks for her, and he’s glad, but the heaviness of it still weighs on him. She had disappeared in a moment leaving him with nothing, no recourse. He is lucky that they have such brilliant friends, that they were just as determined to find her. Otherwise, she would have been lost to him forever. That is what scares him more than anything else. She’s back, and every instinct inside of him is screaming that they should go somewhere, hide far, far away from all of this. Let gods and monsters be someone else’s problem, if only to keep her safe. But, of course, they cannot do that. Of course, this fight is theirs. Camina would never walk away, and Lucanis would never be able to live with himself if he did. He goes where she goes. 

There’s a certain amount of regret he feels. He’d wasted so much time with her, so convinced that they had it, that there was no need to rush any of this. He’s never been with anyone like this before, and she didn’t seem bothered in the slightest by simply allowing their relationship to grow slowly. And then he’d lost her, and he realized just how much he’d been holding back. And now she’s here, safe and asleep in his arms and this might be all they get. 

He didn’t know it could be like this. He’s seen plenty of teasing and flirting, watched his cousin seduce more people than he can count, but he didn’t realize how utterly joyful it could all feel. That there could be talking and joking and assurance throughout. That like everything else with Camina, it would be so damn easy to be with her. He knows that he is lacking in experience, but she didn’t seem bothered in the least by it. Surprised, but utterly unbothered. She’s direct in ways he’s still learning to try and meet, but there’s something refreshing about that too. 

Lucanis thinks he could probably be content to be here forever and for a moment, he allows himself to forget that there is a larger world outside this room. Chooses instead to focus on the woman in front of him. He’s never held anything so precious in his hands, marvels that he is allowed this at all. The trust, the love, all of it. 

Camina shifts against him, waking slowly. Her arm finds his banded around her waist, and she hums a bit. “Morning.” 

He presses his lips against her bare shoulder. “Good morning.”

She turns in his arms just enough to look at him, and he rests his chin against her shoulder. “Is it time to get up?”

He hasn’t heard any movement elsewhere in the Lighthouse, and it’s always hard to gauge time here, but he’s pretty sure it’s early. There’s much to do, but he doesn’t want to put an end to the perfection found here. Isn’t ready for this to end. 

“Not yet,” he says nuzzling into her neck, kissing just beneath her ear. 

She sighs as she arches back against him, the movement presses her against his half-hard cock. He’s not exactly complaining about the development, but it’s still somewhat exasperating to discover how enthusiastically his body reacts to her. He wants her with an insistence that borders on selfishness. He also wouldn’t mind terribly attempting to improve upon his earlier performance.

His hand glides down to her hip, pulls her against him brazenly in what feels to him like the most forward question he’s dared. Her breath catches, but she meets the movement rocking with him. He kisses the bare expanse of her back, linking the freckles on her shoulder like constellations, and they move lazily, languidly like that for a while. 

Lucanis isn’t entirely sure how to further progress what he’s started this morning, but that’s okay because he can always rely on Camina to move them along. He can tell she’s trying so hard to move at his pace, but he likes watching the thin veneer of her patience erode away, loves knowing he’s the cause. She twists in his arms and he can’t help but grin at the naked desire in her amethyst eyes. 

Every one of Camina’s emotions is often so clear on her face, and in this, it is no different. There is something intoxicating about being so clearly wanted, at having everything he feels so perfectly reflected back at him. 

“Are you waking me up to sex?” she asks before pressing a kiss against his heart, clearly delighted by the development. 

He cups her face. “If you’re amenable.”

She pushes him back and straddles his hips before kissing him soundly. “Very.” Her hand reaches between them and boldly wraps around his cock. He groans into her mouth, pleasure exploding behind his eyes. He’s distantly aware of his hands moving, of his lips moving against hers, but he can’t manage much more around the near perfect slide of her hand as she slowly pumps him. 

Every kiss, every brush of her skin against his pales in comparison to the ways he imagined her, imagined this. He grits his teeth, determined to ensure he has a better showing this morning than last night. 

“Camina,” he manages. 

“Hmmmm?” she hums, teeth scraping across his bottom lip. 

Maker, the sight of her above him will be his undoing. “Please…” He’s not really sure what it is he’s asking, but she seems to understand anyway, shifting her hips forward and then slowly sinking down onto his cock. His eyes fall closed at the perfection of her around him and just when he doesn’t think it can get better she begins moving, rocking back and forth languidly. 

He pulls her tighter to him as he thrusts to meet her rocking, his fingers tunneling in her hair, tongue sliding against hers. The feel of her is still exquisite, but not nearly as overwhelming as last night. Through the haze of his own pleasure he can feel the way the tension builds in her, the way her fingers scramble for purchase on the chaise above him. 

After a moment, she sits up and he is treated to the view of her above him. Camina is all soft curves and gentle slopes. He grips her hips as she rides him, watching the hypnotic bouncing of her breasts and the way her head falls back in pleasure. Her orgasm takes him by surprise, the fluttering of her walls around him and he bites down on his own lip, willing himself not to follow her, not quite yet. 

Her movements still, her cheeks flushed a lovely shade of pink. He sits up, arms coming around her and her gaze meets his as she sucks down breaths in greedy swallows. “You’re beautiful,” he murmurs. 

Her fingers gently stroke his hair. “I want a million mornings just like this.”

“At least,” he agrees, pulling her down for a kiss as she begins rocking in his lap. The new angle allows for less movement, but he’s deeper inside of her and from here he can reach her breasts, tongue swirling around the dusky peak. 

He’s still learning her body, cataloguing every response to each brush of his hands, his teeth, his tongue. Everything is still new, still novel, and he loves that even as he longs for the familiarity that he knows only time will bring. Wants to know her body as well as he knows his own, wants to know exactly how to touch her to coax out every beautiful sound he’s stumbled into. 

His own pleasure is barrelling through him, and he knows he’s close, unsure how much longer he can hold on. He reaches between them, thumb searching out her clit, determined to to fall with her this time. She whines as he works her, movements more erratic as she moves up and down on his cock. She’s gripping his shoulders tightly, and he’s kissing aimlessly across her collarbone. He feels her walls tighten around him, and it’s easy to follow her over pleasure’s edge, to drink down the way she whispers his name, to answer with her own. 

Boneless, they cling to one another and he wonders if despite their promises, she’s also thinking about the finiteness of time. He wants nothing more than to extract promises from her lips he knows are unfair to them both, so he settles for offering her one of his own. 

“Tell me this ends with me asleep in your arms,” he whispers against her skin. “And I will kill any god you ask.”

Her fingers in his hair tug lightly, and he eases back to look at her. She cups his face so tenderly he wants to weep, and there is no question in her eyes, no room for fear. “We’re going to get through this. Together.”

He decides to believe her. 

Likes and reblogs are love!

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓 or you know whatever you have lol

Hahaha okay how about 1k?

---

How is he supposed to just stop?

“That’s the hard part, right?” Bobby smiles sadly. “Rewiring your brain.”

“Are you telling me to go to therapy?” Buck asks.

“A check in never hurts,” Bobby shrugs. 

And maybe Buck would be more inclined to say he doesn’t need a whole course of CBT because he misses Eddie, but the recent Christmas events have left him without a leg to stand on. 

“Yeah, okay,” Buck sighs. “I’ll reach out to Dr. Copeland’s office.”

“Good. And you know, I’m here, Buck,” Bobby says. “You don’t have to just… Shut it down. That’s not you. I don’t like to see it.”

Buck smiles a little. “You like it when I talk your ear off all shift? Aww, Bobby.”

Bobby rolls his eyes. “I don’t mind it.”

Buck chuckles. “Understood.”

“And, for what it’s worth, you always have an invite to family Christmas here, okay?” Bobby says.

“Thank you, Bobby,” Buck says. “It does mean a lot.”

⬅️

Buck resolves to listen to Bobby. To work on himself and the parts of his brain that are stuck on the same scratchy record, playing over and over. He books a therapy session in the new year. He donwloads a mindfulness app. He’s never been able to make his brain shut up before, but might as well give it a try. Why the hell not?

He doesn’t reach out to Eddie too much. Maybe that’s terrible. It’s not Eddie’s fault Buck can’t get over him leaving. But he forgot to call him on Christmas, and then he felt bad, so… So he thought maybe a teeny tiny break would be good. Just to compose himself. Besides, it’s not like Eddie is doing too badly out there, right? Christopher said they were spending time together. Holiday breakfast? And he was getting high with his sister. He sounded okay. He… He’s fine without Buck. 

And it’s not like Eddie is reaching out to him, either. So if Buck takes a week or two to recalibrate? It’s fine.

He does talk to Chim and Maddie, though. He feels like he owes them - and Jee - that much. They’ve texted back and forth, of course. Maddie is worried about him. Which is valid. He did some worrisome things. 

They fly back on the 28th. Buck goes to their house on the 29th. He’s had a handful of days to process, and he’s honestly feeling a lot less like a zombie. Like a pathetic, mewling zombie. Like that zombie from the zombie romance movie that came out… Oh, probably when Chris was in diapers. Whoa. 

First thing’s first, he has to spend a requisite fifteen minutes letting Jee show him all her new toys. Very reasonable, he thinks. He would have budgeted an hour for the haul, but she speeds through it. Then, he sits down in the kitchen with Maddie and Chim, while Jee watches a movie in the nearby living room. 

“Thanks for letting me come and explain,” Buck says to them as Chim hands him a beer. 

“You don’t need to explain,” Maddie says. “They were super cruel, and I understand why you left.”

Buck nods. “Yeah, they kind of… Well, they suck, honestly. But… I think I was going through more than I admitted, and I should’ve known I wasn’t up for the psychological challenge.”

“We should have known, too,” Chimney says. “I know how much you miss Eddie.”

Buck nods. “Yeah…”

“And we should have just spent Christmas in L.A. here with you,” Maddie adds.

“Really, we just figured it was our last opportunity to travel to your folks’ without two kids,” Chim explains.”

“You don’t have to cater to me,” Buck says. “Seriously. You can spend Christmases wherever you want.”

“I know,” Maddie smiles a little sadly. “But we’d rather spend it with you. I mean that.”

Buck feels a sort of warmth settle over him. He knows that’s what Maddie sort of said to him before, but he hadn’t really heard it.

“Love you guys,” Buck says. 

“Love you, Evan,” Maddie says.

“Yeah, we love ya,” Chim shrugs. “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?”

“Ah, nothing,” Buck says. “Sleeping after the shift we both have tomorrow.”

Chim makes a buzzer noise with his mouth. “Wrong. You’re coming here, okay? Wilsons are coming too. Someone needs to entertain the children.”

Buck laughs. “Alright. That sounds fun.”

“Good,” Maddie beams. 

“What can I bring?” He asks.

“Just yourself,” Chim says. “We won’t make you cook this time, only because I’m serious about you being a jester for Jee if she gets cranky.”

“He’s not serious,” Maddie says.

“I’d be happy to be the party clown,” Buck says. “Thanks for the invite.”

⬅️

He sort of takes an insane deep dive into the mindfulness thing. Starts reading all sorts of articles and downloading podcast episodes and… And, well… If Eddie was here, he would make some joke about it being Buck’s college major or the week. 

But he’s not. 

Whatever.

All this to say, he spends the shift that ends the morning of New Year’s Eve consuming all that sort of content on his downtime. Between calls, during chores, etcetera. He’s enjoying it. Different tactics for being more present, and letting go of catastrophic thoughts, and all that sort of stuff. He’s not actually able to do it, at this point in time. His brain has the volume and playback speed turned all the way up. But eventually! Maybe. Who knows? 

All this to say, Buck has his airpods in, listening to someone talk about psylocibin and mindfulness - a fun sounding practice his job prevents him from enjoying - when he exits the elevator to his loft after the shift. He’s tired and more than ready to sleep, still a little frustrated from a drunk driving call they’d responded to in the middle of the night. The podcast is taking up his brain space, and the volume is substantial enough that he almost cannot hear the activity on his floor. Almost.

[bakery-anon]

Hello my loves, it was a very tiring day today. Good news though, my Halloween costume arrived and I look adorable. I know hold your applause. I have however started an obsession that will not be good for my wallet (go go boots my beloveds <3333). I hope you all had good days today, sorry I feel like these keep getting shorter and shorter lol.

If you didn’t have a good day I hope tomorrow goes better for you. I love all of you so much, you’re all so lovely. You deserve happiness and love. Make sure you take care of yourselves and remember to get enough rest. Don’t work yourself sick. Take breaks and take care of yourself. This is your reminder to drink water and have a snack if you need it. I love all of you.

You’re deserving of love and I’m proud of you. You made it through the day and that’s enough. You’re always enough so don’t sell yourself short just because you don’t think you did something extraordinary. You’re enough and worth everything in the world. I want to give all of you the stars.

You deserve happiness. Please find things that make you smile, life is too short to not find things that make you happy. I love all of you so so so much. Sorry I keep repeating that but I really want all of you to hear it. I love you. You’re deserving of love and happiness. Find things that make you happy so you can be happy. You deserve it.

Sorry my loves, I am very sleepy and tomorrow will be much of the same I’m sad to say. I love you sleep well. If you see this in the morning I hope your day goes well. Good morning and have a wonderful day. EST some breakfast and it won’t be the end of the world if you make a mistake.

Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams. Sleep well, I’ll see you all tomorrow if nothing else then to complain lol <3

-love bug <3 🍪

[kahlanmars]

BAD FEELING 14

I am so early it's getting annoying, you know, but I feel so happy when I write this! Also, I'm a GREAT Taylor Swift fan so if you think "Uhm, that's a funny coincidence" it's not lol.

Comment if you want me happyyyyy! I don't know if it's worth it to keep going, I don't know if people like it or not!

MASTERLIST

gif not mine

14. One kiss, one page

The first days in District Thirteen are far from perfect. The suit they gave you is the most horrendous piece of clothing they could ever choose, and make up is forbidden. It is like they want to erase all the pretty things from the world.

You asked to be placed in Haymitch’s room, but they told you it wasn’t possible if you weren’t married. 

You are in quarantine, which means no mom, no Effie and no Katniss, you are all in a room with a lot of beds and parasols and grey curtains. They love grey, from what you’ve seen. Perla and Lora are still asleep, they are worse injured than you, and Finnick is working with something technological speaking with someone, but you can’t sleep.

The bright side is that for a night you still have your man. Tomorrow he is sent to rehab, a violent and deeply wrong kind of rehab you can’t quite put a finger on. Are they trying to make him feel worse? Because he is a spectacular asset in the revolution, but even a genius can’t think straight with tremors and headaches. 

«Can I tell you something without sounding ungrateful? Because I am. I am deeply grateful that you saved me.» You say, while Haymitch is in your bed. His hands are already shaking from the addiction, but you like to think your caresses can make the situation a little better. He hums in pleasure in response so maybe you are right.

«Go on.» 

«I don’t like this place.» You whisper. «All these rules are weird. I am not saying I would go back to the Capitol, but…»

He shuts you up with a kiss. «You made your point.» And he made his. You couldn’t speak freely, not yet. From the Capitol to District 13 you are still in the game, just with another character.

«Maybe I will like it better after quarantine.» You humour him. «I really hope I’ll be able to visit you.»

«Perhaps you shouldn’t. They explained what will happen, and they mentioned rage, hallucinations, there is a reason why I’m in isolation.» You’ve seen him in bad places before, but hallucinations… that scares you a little, you have to admit it. 

«I can handle it.» You murmur looking at his blue eyes. 

«You don’t have to.» 

«Yes I need to.» You shake your head. «You are not my mentor anymore.» 

«I know but-»

«No. You are not my mentor anymore, or my employer for what it matters. You don’t need to protect me from the world, what have I told you before? I am an adult just like you. I took care of you before, I cleaned your mess and stayed with you. I’m strong, Haymitch. And I like you. And if we want to continue what we have, and of course you want to because I’m flawless and stunning, we have to take care of each other. Fifty fifty.» 

He is silent. You didn’t want to give him a lecture, but at the same time he has to understand that he is not your boss. The power dynamics in your relationship are fucked up, but you are not a damsell in distress.

But maybe you overstepped. «If, if you want to keep going with it, of course.» You add, and now your eyes are on the floor.

«I wouldn’t have begun something with you if I didn’t know about the revolution.» He whispers.

«Funny, I thought I was going to die in a week.»

«I knew you weren’t. I mean, there was a chance, but not a high one.» He lifts up your chin, forcing you to watch him in the eyes. «I’m not good with those things.» He confesses.

«I know. I just want to know if you want it. Because if you don’t want it’s okay, but if you would like to be with me, without any label of sort, just you and me… Well we know we work well together.» 

«I’m a mess.» He argues.

«Do you want it?» You insist.

«You are twenty four and I’m forty one.» He retorts.

«Do you want me?» 

«I’m not a relationship type.»

«I never asked for a relationship but if you don’t want me I deserve to know.»

He shuts the hell up for a moment, and you can’t help but think of the worst. «Are you tired of me?»

He takes your lips in a kiss so fierce and powerful that is almost violent, all of his strength is on your body, all of his weight on you. «Never.» He answers between kisses.

You smirk. «I have broken ribs, you savage.» 

«Oh fuck sorry, I didn’t think.» He tries to get up but you immediately take him and push him down to you. He didn’t think. Not “I didn’t think about it”, he didn’t think because he was so whipped by you.

«Nah-ah, mine.» You purr in his ear. «Is that a yes?»

He just nods. You get it’s hard for him, after his parent’s and girlfriend’s death. He was isolated from the whole world, he said it himself he didn’t want to get attached to you. You managed to keep him tied to you nonetheless. 

«I like you so much. You don't have to tell me anything but I want you to know.» Because he thinks he doesn't deserve this. And maybe, just maybe, if you keep repeating it he will believe you.

«You have to get some sleep, sweetheart.» He kisses your forehead. You giggle at this exposure of tenderness.

«I don't want to waste time. What if there's a cute doctor and you fall in love with her?» This time you joke, but he rolls his eyes.

«Given the fact that I have been living like an hermit since I was seventeen, I think you are pretty safe in that field.» You hope. You tend to be the jealous type, you were with Clark and it wasn’t a sensual situation, you don’t know how you could react to jealousy in a relationship. Even if yours is not a relationship.

«They will have their claws on you. You are handsome, you know?» You start peppering kisses on his neck. «All the girls want to be me.»

«You are delusional.» You aren’t. As much as Perla can joke about it and Finnick can says he is old, he is not even fifty, he has strong arms and blue eyes, and he is magnetic in everything he does. You feel a little safer just because he is in disguise as this drunk grumpy crazy man who doesn’t want to talk to anyone, but it’s a charade. And even when he was playing the part he used to go to every shop in District 12 to buy something, just to help the people who worked there with his victor’s money. During Christmas he sometimes gave candies to the kids, or he gave you the money to do so without his name on it. He has a great heart. You hope women don’t notice it too much. 

«Oh c'mon! Maybe this drunk character you've created is not that appealing, but you must know you are good looking.» Even Katniss said it, when he was younger he was a looker.

«I was. When I was sixteen. At your age I was already a wreck.»

«No you weren't! And you are not now.»

You stay silent for a moment, and you stroke his hair. 

You hate Snow for what he has done to him, and you can’t help but wonder why you are not a wreck. You should be, you killed two people. People who had a family, dreams, ambitions. You always thought you would have been traumatised for that, thinking they had mothers who cried for them, children maybe, as for the Capitol man. In reality it didn’t happen. You can sleep at night. The Capitol man was a rapist and he deserved it, and you repeatedly asked Clark to be in an alliance with you, you begged him, and he was actively trying to kill you from the start.

Are you just evil? You know Haymitch is not, and he tries so hard to be. Maybe you try so hard to be good because you are evil.

«How was she?» You suddenly ask. 

«Who?» He frowns.

«Marjorie.»

You are sure he will stand up and go away, and you see in his eyes he is about to do this but he squeezes your hand.

«We were very young. She was the baker's daughter, like Peeta. She was beautiful. All the boys wanted her, you know.» He indulges himself to be a little proud of his younger self, who succeeded in conquering the most beautiful girl in the district. You ignore the sting of jealousy, because it’s nonsense. She is dead.

«Did you love her?» 

«I was sixteen. Sneaking in the meadows to have sex is not exactly love.»

«It is at sixteen.» You press a kiss on his cheek. «I'm not going to say it.» You didn't deserve this, you were a kid in a game stronger than you. And she didn't deserve it either, barely in a young love. It is not your fault. Not everyone you love will die. It is not a curse. You are not the problem.

«Thanks.»

He takes your face in his hands and he gives you a long deep kiss. 

«You survived.» You can read his mind: you managed to survive despite him, it is a miracle, he should probably leave you alone because a miracle doesn’t happen twice. 

«I'm pretty hard to kill. Thanks for the water.» You want to keep the conversation on a lighter note. He is done talking about his late girlfriend, it’s a great gift he even agreed to this at all. 

«No problem, gorgeous.» He pats your leg. Oh if you weren’t in a room full of people you would have know how to spend the last night with your man. 

«Would you read for me?» You suggest, «Since we are not sleeping. I want to read all the books you have, I've always been envious of your library.»

He laughs. «I clearly remember you stealing my books while you were cleaning.»

«What can I say? Now I've read all the books beside your bed. We know each other better.»

He nods, amused by your ability to speak your way out of any situation. «Little thief. Good thing you are so beautiful.» He is in a playful mode now, so he leans down for a peck.

«Shhh, read the book. Pleeeease.» You blush a little, but two can play at this game. 

He takes a book from his bed and goes back to you. “Tales of Panem”, you didn’t read it. He is right, you borrowed several of his books. He had Capitol books, and the little school library in the district has four or five books. You had to.

«One kiss, one page?» He suggests, but your hands are already on his chest.

«One kiss, one line.» You debate.

«We will never finish the first chapter.» He laughs, but he kisses you anyway. You won.

«We have all night. Are you complaining?» You pat his arm, and he bites your neck. You should be more aware of marks now that you’ll live with your mother again.

«Never.»

The separation is not messy because he is not here when you wake up. There’s a note instead.

See you later, gorgeous. Take care of yourself, and visit when I’ll be better. Not before. Trust me, I’ll miss you.

H

Of course, he avoids the big goodbye. Maybe it’s better this way, you would have said something bad about the District.

«Can I get up?» You ask your nurse when she comes, and she caresses your cheek. You want to say to her you are not a kid, but it’s actually cute. 

«You’ll take medication. Your body will be in shape in two or three days, ok?» 

«Three days?» You whisper in disbelief. In Twelve everything was a big deal, you had a tiny hospital but it wasn’t so good and nurses here and there, like Katniss’s mother, who did what they had to do. Holly took care of pregnancies, for example. You didn’t want to be sick in Twelve.

«A lot of Capitol doctors are rebels, so now we have their medicine.» She explains. You nod, thinking how the hell doctors could know about the revolution.

There are a lot of things you have to catch up on. 

«Thank you for saving me.» You add, and you know she didn’t do anything but it’s her home, and as much as you don’t like they still saved you. «I’m Daisy.»

«My name is Inez.» She greets you. There is something weird in her tone, though. Something like an accent. Yours.

«You… you have my accent?» You are surprised you see that, but after two weeks in the Capitol and one in the Games you are not used to your accent anymore.

«I used to live in District 12 when I was a kid.» She explains, a sweet smile on her face. She looks like your mother’s age, maybe they know each other.

«What happened then?»

«I became an orphan, I was in the system, I was in danger and… it was another time, another life.» She strokes your hair. «I’ve seen you in the Games.» She murmurs while she takes care of your medication. If she wants to change the subject you are fine with it. «How you saved the girl from Eleven and the girl from Four.»

«I also killed the boy from my district.» You have to add. She was in an orphanage? That’s the life Holly spared you. 

«Wasn’t he going to kill you first?» She finishes it. «Do you really want to become a teacher?»

You are not sure anymore, if you have to be honest. You like kids and the prospect felt good in Twelve, but now you found out new labels of yourself. You like clothes, you like creating outfits, but in District Twelve it’s not really useful. 

«I think so, yeah. I mean a week ago I thought I was going to be dead so I didn’t think much about my career, but since I’m not, yeah.»

«We have a lot of District 12 kids and we are actually looking for a substitute teacher. Would you be interested in that?» Well, it’s a way to settle down for the moment. You are not a tribute anymore, you obviously are not a maid anymore, you might as well be what you wanted to be for twelve years.

«Yeah, I would like that.» 

She seems satisfied with the answer.

«So I’m sorry if I overstepped but… it is real?» Oh, the question. Everybody has The Question. Was it real? Was it for the cameras? Are you in love with a victor who won when you weren’t even born yet?

«Very real.» You confirm. She looks a little worried. That’s the prelude for your mother’s reaction.

«Isn’t he a little old for you? You are, what, twenty?» 

«Twenty four. And no, he is not a little old for me.» You sound cranky now and you get that it’s not good manners, but that’s not that nurse’s business.

She gets it, luckily. «He seems like a good man.»

«He is the best.»

She ties your hair in a ponytail and she caresses your face. «Are you ready to get up?»

Turns out you weren’t so ready to get up, because you have to sit down after five minutes. You don’t have any resistance and you just want to rest. 

The bright side is that you get to see District 13 and it sucks. There’s no silver lining for that, it’s horrendous. You are grateful you don’t have to fight to the death, but the place scares you. Everything is grey, there are a lot, a lot of tunnels and all the rooms are the same. You will get lost, you already know that.

Inez is near to you until you go to a room that looks like a cafeteria, and then she is gone again and you are alone.

For a moment.

«Daisy!» You’d recognize that voice everywhere.

«Mommy!» She hugs you tight, a little too tight given that you have broken ribs. You shouldn’t call her “mommy”, you are an adult, and truth to be told you almost never call her mom, but you really thought you’d never see her again.

«You are safe. You came back to me.» She strokes your raven hair, like you are a baby, and she refuses to let you go until you have to sit. 

She looks twenty years older. You are not going to tell her, but she has a lot of wrinkles on her skin and white hair in her locks.

«I thought I’d lost you.» She repeats, and now she is crying.

«You didn’t.» You are vaguely aware you are making a scene, and you don’t want Perla or Lora to see you. They don’t have their mom here. You didn’t even see Chaff, you don’t know if he is here or captured in the Capitol. «I’m here.»

«When you were in the games, I- I didn’t want to watch it but I wanted to see you, and…»

«I think I nailed it, didn’t I?» You try to take a lighter note, but she seems upset.

«The poor Undersee boy.»

The poor Undersee boy wanted to end your daughter’s life, but before you could say something like that to her you are hugged again, and this time you scream too.

«Effie!» You are beyond happy to see her. She was your light in the Capitol and you can be her light here, in a place that you know better. 

«My darling girl!» She winks at you and you hug her again, you want to keep her close. 

She is so different. She doesn’t have her signature wig, but she covers her hair with a foulard. Grey, of course. And she doesn’t have any makeup on. «Your wig…»

«I am a political refugee, darling. Can’t ask for much.» That is deeply wrong. She helped you get out of the games alive, she saved you as much as Haymitch did, and now they repay them with a violent rehab and insufferable rules. 

«You are still beautiful, it’s not something they can take away from you.» You try to reassure her, and it’s the truth. Even in a grey jumpsuit that is made to look bad she shines. 

«Well, let’s say we are here and safe. And you are my roommate.» 

You almost jump before you remember you can’t because you are bandaged. Inez would kill you. «That is fabulous! If we have any ashes I think we can make black eyeshadow.» 

«You genius girl, I missed you so much.»

Holly is there, looking a little confused. Well, she doesn’t know how much you became close to Effie Trinket during your time in the penthouse, but she will understand. Effie is a good person, people in District 12 need to understand that.

«Mom, can I lie down now? I’m a little tired.» You still call her mom, because you missed her. You missed her hug, and you desperately needed her when President Snow decided you were a target. 

You called her in your sleep when you killed a man, and it’s not her fault she didn’t hear you. 

Still, Effie was there. 

«Of course honey, can you handle going into your room alone?» You don’t think so, without Capitol medication you wouldn’t have been able to walk at all, but you don’t want to look spoiled or weak so you are about to say yes, when Effie snorts in a way that is somehow still ladylike.

«Nonsense, we can ask someone to carry her.»

«If she says she can, why bother someone?» Your mother argues. 

«Because she’s turning blue.»

«Actually,» You interrupt them. «I don’t think I can do it alone.» You don’t want to portrait Holly like the villain, but it’s true you are turning blue from the effort. 

With a satisfied glance Effie manages to ask a boy from District 13 to accompany you, but before you get to be in your bed, your mother stops you.

«Can we talk later?» She is worried, and a little angry maybe. You don’t want to deal with it right now. You know what she wants to say. You killed an innocent guy, you fraternised with the enemy, Effie Trinket is vain and shallow, and you admitted on national television you had sex with a guy who shared my class in first grade.  

«Later.» You promise.

When she goes away it’s Effie who caresses your hair. Your room is the same as all the other rooms, narrow, poky and grey, two beds with white blank sheets and a little tiny toilet with a door - thank all the gods.

«I don’t feel safe here.» You whisper, and she just nods. «Can you stay with me?»

You and her are both stuck with you, you remember Haymitch’s words. Your loyalty is with them, and Katniss, and Peeta and your friends. And your mom, of course. You have to remember that.

She kisses you on the cheek and tugs your bed before sitting on your sheets.

«Always, darling girl.» 

[miaountainmama]

selfish

characters: keiji shinogi x gn!reader

contains: keiji hates himself. fluff, sfw. really just an excuse for me to make keiji suffer but also not suffer. lazy writing

wc: 847

a/n: i posted this and then i was like why is it getting no attention. i forgot the tags lol so anyways repost

Keiji is used to being many things. He’d done a fair amount of undercover work back in the day, after all— and, more often than not, he had to do a little pretending to get that perfect piece of evidence.

A store clerk. A car salesman. A doctor.

A lover, however, was a role he had never had to play, for work or otherwise. And, while he was not one for perfection, he is determined to not mess this one up once.

He does his share of the housework. He remembers every important day. He is the golden image of a partner— except for one thing.

Keiji often comes home criminally late, the sky stretching into the small hours of the morning by the time his keys make it to the lock on the door. He can’t help it— it’s his job to stay for as long as he’s needed— but it doesn’t make the cold sheets and painfully empty space beside you any easier to deal with.

Tonight is another one of those nights. Another night where the darkness seems to stretch on for eternity, the light ticking of the clock on the wall crawling forward at a snail’s pace; another night where, despite how unreasonable it is, you wish he’d just quit his job already and retire. God knows he deserves to.

You don’t know how long you’ve been lying there for, staring at the black where the ceiling would be, but the desperation to just sleep already dissipates the moment you hear the clinking at the door. Apparently, Keiji is impatient too— you hear him pad over to the bedside in record time, already in a change of clothes.

“Hey,” you mumble sleepily, throwing the covers aside so he can join you.

“Hey,” he grins, crawling into the space you left him. The bags under his eyes stretch with the movement, and you can’t help but notice how prominent they are, more so than usual. You frown.

“You’ve been working late too much,” you murmur, and he exhales deeply.

“I know,” he says. “I promise it won’t be for much longer.”

“It better not be,” you say, though the words have no bite, and his eyes soften at the way your voice sweetens. It fills him with a feeling he can’t exactly describe.

Keiji knows it’s not healthy to feel the way he does. He knows it’s not right to have his chest tighten any time you send him a smile, a laugh— knows the bittersweet tinge to every happy moment isn’t how things should be. Yet they are, and when you reach for him and pull him to your chest, hand running through his shaggy hair, he resists the urge to instinctively switch your places. It isn’t fair to you—- he should be the one holding you, treating you with love and care. It’s always you making the sacrifices, always you making him feel like he’s worth something when he’s not. He’s already done enough damage to you by taking your love, your time, your devotion— to make you put any extra effort into caring for him is just wrong. Corrupt, even.

He supposes he really is a criminal.

He shakes his head when you ask him how work was. He can’t speak right now, not without his voice breaking, and he can’t have you misplace any more of your concern. Instead, he just wraps his arms around you, breathing deeply, albeit a little shakily, and thinks of a time when he was once whole— back when he was the kind of person who could give you what you deserved.

“Your roots are growing back in,” you say lowly, interrupting his train of thought, and it makes him frown even harder as you mess with his hair, inspecting the now dark areas near his scalp. Another reminder of who he once was.

Another reminder of what he’s not.

“When do you clock in tomorrow? I can help you bleach them in the morning if it’s not too early,” you offer, and Keiji, ever selfish, takes the distraction.

“2 P.M.,” he murmurs from where he’s buried into the crook of your neck, and you hum in acknowledgement.

“It’s a deal then. I’ll get you in perfect shape before work,” you smile, pressing your lips to the top of his head. He lets out a contented sigh unbidden, pulling you closer.

You regard him for a moment, just running your fingers through his hair, and, taken by the emotions running through the silent room, whisper a sweet “I love you” to him.

“You-…” He starts, and as he trails off, there are so many ways he wants to take the sentence. You shouldn’t. You deserve better. But you tap his head, a gentle little reminder as if you can read his thoughts, and he wills his mind to quiet. Instead, he lets out a heavy breath and says, “I love you, too.”

“Good night, Keiji,” you smile, and you feel his lips slightly curl up against your skin too.

“Good night, sweetheart. Sweet dreams.”

[evita-shelby]

Love's a State of Mind

Chapter 6

Cw: angst, sex, feelings

Taglist: @thegreatdragonfruta

Yes i did use the smuff-mas one-shot to make up the last part of the chapter lol

Feliz Navidad y'all

Every day begins and ends the same for the next week.

He calls in the morning to check up on her, the moment he leaves his office ---doing the work he would have done in Sydney--- he comes to spend the rest of the day with her and leaves, very reluctantly, at the end of the day.

They talk, he tells her about his day and both fight the urge to be more than friends like madmen.

It all changes the night before her procedure. They watch her comfort telenovela on the sofa that’s more comfortable to lay on than sit on, and she leans on his shoulder leading to him wrapping his arm around her, before the episode even ends they’re spooning as of nothing had ever changed between them.

“I should go, you need all the sleep you can get for tomorrow.” He said gently prying her off him before they do something they’ll regret.

Eva would usually agree and see him to the door where they’d stand there both secretly wishing for a kiss goodbye like before.

“Could you stay with me. Just for tonight?” she finds herself hating how vulnerable she sounds. Even worse she’s turning to look at him as she speaks and feels pathetic because he can see exactly why she wants him to stay.

But she’s scared, and she wants him and there was nothing more comforting in the world than him holding her as he does now.

“Yeah, if you want me to.” Robert agrees and adjusts himself as Eva buried her face in his chest. He’s stripped off his button-down shirt and despite the slight discomfort of his buckle and trousers, being like this felt like heaven.

“We could find the best in their field if you want.” He suggested and she shook her head. Robert tucked her under his chin and stroked her hair understanding exactly what she was afraid of.

“This one’s the best in California. It’s a stupid worry, I know.” She murmured into his chest. “Impossible for them to fuck up something they do so often.”

“Said the same thing when I had knee surgery, I think.” Rob points out, reminding her of how nervous he’d been after reading up all he could on the procedure and several horror stories of people who didn’t recover from it. “We should sleep, we, you, sorry, have long day tomorrow.”

It had been a bad idea.

In a moment of vulnerability, Eva had asked him to stay with her and he had.

Robert had offered to stay in the guest room or sleep on the floor, but Eva had shaken her head and asked him to sleep with her.

There was too much history between them for this to work. He couldn’t forget her no matter how much he tried, and she couldn’t move on because their last night together resulted in the worst-case scenario.

Had anyone told him he’d be here holding her because they’d have to see a doctor for an embryo that didn’t form, Robert would’ve siced security on them.

But here he was holding his ex-girlfriend who used him to keep her company above the water because tomorrow they’ll pretend nothing ever happened and go their separate ways.

“I was wondering where my pajamas went.” The Fischer Morrow heir comments as tried his best to remember they were over and the sex they had last week was merely a fluke.

“I had intended to give them back, but then I remembered you still have some of my panties and I thought they were worth about the same, in sentimental value at least.” The dark-haired woman moved slightly as she got comfortable, and he pretends he’s fine when her ass brushed against his dick.

“Sorry.” She said before moving away to prevent it from happening again, but it would once Eva fell asleep.

“Don’t apologize, remember when I was high on painkillers after my surgery?” Rob would be lying if he didn’t miss all those times they’d cuddle and end up fucking because the accidental stimulation was enough to drive him fucking insane.

So many times where she’d rub against him ---on purpose as well as in her sleep--- and he’d be waking up rock hard and wanting nothing more than to fuck her good morning.

But they can’t do that, because after tomorrow it is over for good.

Or so they’ve been telling themselves this past week.

“Oh, how could I? You were like a very horny puppy most of the week.” She answered bemused. She’d been on edge all evening, terrified about tomorrow even if the procedure was rather simple and the doctor the best in California. “Slept on my tits because you said your pillows were lumpy.”

It was good for her to regain her usual good humor. Even if it drudge up memories that had the both of them wanting to regain what they lost.

He wanted to, but he had agreed to her terms because he didn’t want to push. She’d used him and she didn’t feel worthy of him, and Robert has disappointed his father enough to know he’s a fucking dumbass when comes to love.

His father would never forgive Eva for making a fool out of his son, but Robert was never on the same page as his dear old man.

“Please, those six weeks without sex was a nightmare for you too, Evie.” Robert pointed out and fought the urge to rut against it like a horny teenager.

“I missed you.” Evie admits and does something worse than grinding against him, she seeks out his hand and holds it like she used to do when she was troubled.

“I missed you too.” Robert admits as he interlaced his fingers with hers and held her tightly.

“I know I said I didn’t want us to give us another try, but ---” she stops herself fighting with the proud part of her that thinks she knows what’s best for the both of them.

“A do over would be nice. Once you’re recovered, if you need time to come around to it.” He didn’t let her change her mind and once again considered not going to Sydney this week.

He didn’t need to think about it, he’s had plenty of time this week. Robert had wanted his pound of flesh that day at her office, but then he ended up looking forward to seeing her each evening. Even as ‘friends’ he couldn’t imagine a better person to share his life with.

“No dream sharing this time.” Eva sets a new boundary; one he doesn’t pretend to agree with…for now.

“Agreed.”

This time he is the one rubbing his growing erection against her ass and this time they don’t stop doing it. Between her presence and knowing there’s still hope for them, Robert can’t seem to get himself under control.

Never been good at self-control, anyways.

“Doctor didn’t say anything about not having sex before the procedure, you know.” She supplies as a sigh escapes her lips.

“We don’t have to do it, Evie.” He protests half embarrassed at their predicament. The other half of him is letting his ex-girlfriend ---or just girlfriend since its inevitable that they’ll be getting back together by morning--- take his hand under her shirt and very obediently playing with her tits.

That time last week in the dining room had been a frantic fuck, of thinking that just one last time would be enough. Right now, it was knowing that desire won’t go away and why the should they deny themselves something they desperately needed.

“What I wanted you to fuck me, Robert?” such a crude question she said as he slid his free hand past the waistband of her sleeping shorts. “What if I told you the merely feeling you like this has me thinking about all those times we fucked until I couldn’t remember my own name?”

And she wasn’t lying, her pussy was wet and hot as his fingers toyed with it.

“Then I’d say your wish is my command.” His father was right in being disappointed with him, Robert could never live without Eva and this week had only proven it.

Robert’s hand leaves her chest and with ease he freed his aching cock from its confines as he entered her from behind with a groan.

No woman had been able to satisfy him like she did, and now he knows no one ever will.

He rocks against her, takes his time seeking ti make the night last as long as possible. Knowing Eva she may change her mind by the time the sun rose.

But for tonight, he is hers, she is his and nothing exists beyond the moment.

“Did you try to forget me like I did?” he asks thinking how she’d pretended not to care that his latest conquest had kept calling last week.

“No, didn’t want to.” She shook her head as he reminded her no other person could ever make feel like this.

They were made for each other, if such a thing existed. As if they had always been lifetimes ago.

He didn’t believe in soulmates, but she did.

“Then why fight it, why push me away, Evie?” he asks and clenched beautifully around his cock and Robert thanked his lucky stars there was no need for caution tonight.

“I don’t want to hurt you again.” The brunette answered as she lost herself to the pleasure.

As much as he wanted to make it last, it isn’t long before he takes her over the edge with him.

He hasn’t let go of her, not yet. “You won’t hurt me, I’m not as fragile as you think, sweetheart.”

[sorchatte]

okay so i def need to get my sotr thoughts out as i go, but i deleted twitter and i don’t want to spoil anything for my friends in dms. i’ll update on this post with my thoughts as i go under a read more!!

- page 1: “lenore dove” is a name I’m already obsessed with. i’m imagining some dualities there, with a dove being a pure/hopeful bird and lenore being associated with dark/scary ravens due to poe’s influence?

- page 5: oh, and she’s one of the covey!!! ahhhhhhhh i’m already going insane

- page 6: DIRECT POE ALLUSION RAHHHHH

- page 8: after i’m done reading this i’ll need to put together a covey family tree omg. the bairds AND everdeens mentioned already???

- page 13: “I once told Lenore Dove I thought he just hated love. That’s when she revealed that he’d been together some thirty years with the fellow in town who replaces busted windows. They have to keep it quiet because loving differently can get you harassed by the Peacekeepers, fired from jobs, arrested even.” pain. thank u haymitch for being an ALLY!!!!

- page 23: MELLARK MENTION

- page 25: PLUTARCH MENTION!!! also good god, what an AWFUL way to be chosen to go into the games??

- page 50: okay so i love maysilee

- page 61: just now remembering. wasn’t haymitch’s nickname for katniss “sweetheart”? ouuuu she reminded him of louella i’m ending it all

- page 75: OH BABY LOU……

- okay so my tumblr bugged out for a while and i couldn’t edit this post, so some random assorted thoughts: loving the consistent poe mentions (i’ll analyze those in more depth once i’ve finished the book), i actually shouted out loud when effie showed up, i’m super interested in the allusions to things that came before panem like books, stories, religion, etc. but i was especially intrigued by plutarch mentioning what i assume is generative ai?

this book is SO amazing so far and it’s been SUCH a long time since i was this excited to read something. i’m about 200 pages in right now and i have to put it down for the night so i have enough sleep for my 10 hour shift tomorrow, but odds are good that i finish it up at work!

- just hit chapter 18 this morning, and all of the haymitch and katniss parallels are hitting me HARD rn, especially their respective attachments to lou lou and rue 😭

- page 301: “She used to say, if I was afraid, ‘It’s okay, Maysilee, nothing they can take from you was ever worth keeping.’” “I know that song. Lenore Dove sings it.”” i am deceased. on the floor. gagged

- page 304: iirc we saw this scene with haymitch and maysilee at the cliff in the og trilogy, right? would the cameras have caught the whole generator thing? i mean, i’m sure the cut of it wouldn’t show it regardless, but i wonder if this ties into the references to generative ai and doctoring footage in that way

- page 308: “Proserpina wasn’t born evil; she just had a lot of unlearning to do.”

- page 334: LUCY GRAY CAMEO!!!!!

-page 344: fascinated by the restructuring of footage to tell a different story

- page 365: rage.

- page 380: starting and ending on that same line was SINISTER WORK. EVIL. obsessed

- page 381: “Tough and smart, her hair in two braids then, reminding me for all the world of Louella McCoy, my sweetheart of old. And after she volunteered for the Games, that nickname couldn’t help but slip out.” SOBBING.

okay, officially FINISHED with sunrise on the reaping!! WOW. WHAT A BOOK. i’m truly speechless rn lol. i think the thread of poe’s raven throughout was really fitting, bc in a sense there were gothic elements to the story. particularly the gothic sense of dread, with us knowing how this story would end from the beginning. i think maybe it’s not as great a prequel as tbosas was, but it still lit that fire under me that every book in the series has that doesn’t let me stop reading. i really hope we’ll see more of this series again in a few years!!

from collins’ acknowledgements: “To all my wonderful readers, thanks once again for returning to Panem and investing in these characters and their struggles, even when you know the eventual outcome. The snow may fall, but the sun also rises.”

[an-expected-journey-to-jeju]

Journal entry #15

Well, tomorrow's the day. We are finally moving locations. This past week, we've been slowly moving things out and into the new place, but tomorrow is when we move all our personal stuff. The official day. I only have one more sleep and then I'll be rid of the smelly mattresses.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been a very depressing couple of days. And by that I mean I've been super depressed. I think it's just a mixture of so many things: change, school, bad thoughts, etc... I haven't felt like this in a long time and I absolutely hate it. I haven't been eating really, even when we went out for bbq. I know that it's bad because I can't even pretend to be happy. It just takes so much energy. I can't even lie when people ask if I'm okay. I just say "no I'm not" and then carry on.

I've been packing like mad these days too. I can't believe I packed all my stuff! I'm still not excited about moving. I'm dreading it. But I've been trying to make a plan of what I'm going to do when I'm at the new place. It's been a struggle, but I'm slowly gonna pull myself out of all this and maybe start functioning normal again. It's also hard to keep a good schedule when I have ADHD. But I'm going to try methods that work for ADHD people. I'm gonna buy a bunch of stuff too for my new place. I was able to figure out how to connect my bank card to Coupang (Korean ver. of Amazon) but I haven't bought anything yet since it's too close to moving day. Hopefully it works! I definitely am buying a nespresso or smth like that. I wasn't able to use the espresso machine I got at the very beginning because I never got the chance to buy espresso beans and I also felt like I needed to buy specific espresso cleaning products which I had no idea where to get those. I think getting a nespresso will just be easier.

However, I do think I'll settle more into this new place. I think it was because I knew I wasn't going to be in the old place for very long that I didn't get to make it a home. But for the next one, I'll be staying there for a while so I feel comfortable actually settling in.

On a little side note, what's been a major pain is whenever I have to verify myself or sign up for things that include my registration number (to prove I live in Korea) or my phone number, I have to write my name out not just the first and last name, but middle name too. "DIFFIN HANNAH ELIZABETH". It's been so inconvenient and I'm definitely going to be changing my name if I do end up living here permanently.

Okay, back to business. One a very good note, my mom will be visiting me in April!! I still have no idea what my plans will be, but I'm just happy I get to see my mom again. I miss you mom 🥺 even tho I say it basically everyday LOL.

Not related to Jeju at all, but last night I watched "Memoir of a Snail" on prime video. I kept seeing it on tiktok and it looked pretty good. I highly recommend it. Definitely not for kids despite the claymation, but it was so worth watching. I almost wished I bought it instead of rented it.

Okay, that's all from me right now! Wish me luck with moving tomorrow <3

[imaginespazzi]

Oh hi bestie!!

Ha you were correct, I did send those :) seemed like a small pick me up was worth sharing at the time, especially w the playful bickering it had (if that were a love language it would be mine lol). Absolutely same wavelength 😅 ofc Im sure we were far from the only ones who recalled that gem courtesy of Katie. Welp its UConn/ND game day. Fingers crossed for a good showing by the Huskies and that they manage to keep HH in check. Such a shame Azzi is out for this one, but what a relief that the hit/fall resulted in nothing more than a minor sprain. Situation does make me a little appreciative for working in sports and being accustomed to rolling w such punches.. Latest GH chapter was a good read👏still painful but I think less so than 11 still ha. Tho full transparency, I happened to be unable to sleep from like 4-5:30 the AM after you posted so initially read at a totally odd hour (so thank for your timing putting it up late!). Hey any big thoughts from the W expansion draft? Did I miss/overlook you saying anything about the Valks picks? Im feeling like KT, Billings, Temi, and Burton could all stick. And wouldnt shock me if Martin ended up there as a depth piece. Cant speak much to the international selections personally. Sidenote Im meh on their jerseys, dont love & don't hate. Ok Im off to blast some Christmas music and get work done. Laters :)

-☕️

BESTIIIIEEEE HI <3

I very much loved the pick-me-ups; they made me smile and I really needed it after that.

Ah the beauty of hindsight...because it definitely was not a good showing.

I fear with time the relief from it being minor has just gone to feeling antsy for her to be back with every ticking day. Like I know I'mma be overreacting but I think I'mma be sick if she doesn't play tomorrow (and I think there's a very high chance she doesn't)

LMAO well I'm glad that worked out well for you time-wise!

I don't think I had very many big thoughts. It looks a lot like an expansion draft would with some good role players but clearly missing a strong core that they probably expect to build in the actual draft and free agency. I think Temi and KT were especially good picks and I definitely expect them to stick. The other two, I feel like could either stick or maybe be used for trade deals? I wasn't a big fan of their jerseys either I fear.

[celestie0]

hiiii ellie 👋🏻

just wanna take a moment to let you know how much your writing means to me :') i'm kinda shy about doing this but fuck it, imma do it so here goes nothing lol.

for starters, i'm relatively new to this platform. i was pulled in of course by none other than satoru x reader smut... but what REALLY dialed me in was your stories.

it started with ihm, i love how you write gojo and i live for the bantering 🤭 the characters feel so real and fleshed out, you impressed me right off the bat.

so after that, i found kickoff and girl, i literally BINGE READ the entire series, staying up until like 3 am LOL. i remember laying on my couch, going through all the emotions. kicking my feet, laughing, feeling pain from the angst 😭 looked at the clock and was like oh shit, tomorrow is gonna suck but WORTH IT 🫠

and the thing is... while yes, the smut was amazing (guuuurl especially when i'm ovulating, you have fed us good 😩🤚🏻), it wasn't the main thing driving me to your stories. what really hooked me in was the way you write and how you are able to bring so much emotion to these characters. also, you are reeeeeally good at building up their relationships 😮‍💨

i've said this before but i just want to reiterate that you are the person that encouraged me to start writing on this platform. you seem like overall just a really freaking chill person too, i've always loved your vibes (also we're west coast twins i'm in socal 🫶🏻)

anyways, after starting to write i see how much hard work and effort goes into having this hobby. it really disheartens me to hear about the crap some people say, those people are really selfish and inconsiderate.

you have NO obligation to do this yet here you are, sharing your passion with us, and we are blessed for it 😇

anyways, this kind of became a side tangent... but i guess i just want you to know that the people that are sending rude shit to you and nici are on my list 😤

you are a queen, i hope you are enjoying your trip, and staying healthy. sending you lots of love 💛

hi my love omg i’m so sorry it took me so long to respond to this ask i wanted to have some proper time to respond but i read it when you sent it n it made my whole day seriously!! 🥺💕 you are so so kind

HAHAH i’m so glad you had fun binging kickoff!! that’s a lot to read in one sitting xD hope it didn’t ruin your sleep schedule TOO much skdhfksdjh

thank u sm for your kind words about my writing :”’’’) i spend a manic amt of time daydreaming about my stories n wondering ab my characters n i think i try to value character development n personalities the most so to hear that you are really feeling the emotion to my stories and characters means the world to me fr, and for you to appreciate it like aaaaaa i swear it’s what keeps me going n writing n i want to thank you for help keeping my passion alive <3 ALSO SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT ABOUT THE BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS THING BCI WORRY AB THAT A LOT SO ITS REALLY REASSURING HAHA

yaaaay fellow writer <3 i think it’s so cool how writers kinda domino off one another n we blossom into writers of our own it’s truly amazing feeling to know i inspired someone to write as well!! AND OMG SAME I AM ALSO IN SOCAL!! AAA

ugh yeah. i feel like you don’t really know how difficult it is to write until you start doing it yourself haha. i have gained SUCH large respect for my fave fanfic writers over the past year that i’ve been writing because i realize the dedication it takes, esp something done for free. i do wish some people were nicer, but alas that’s the reality i suppose. AW THANKS FOR LOOKING OUT FOR US <33

you are just SUCH an angel and i can feel the immaculate vibes from you through the screen. ty again sm for this message my love omg :’’) i really needed it. sending you SO much love as well <333