#I need to learn to do things by myself and i’ll figure something out someday

[daisychains334]

Chapter Four

Upon my entrance the doorman, Jean, gave me a warm smile. “There is my favorite kind of a tree!” he exclaimed in his thick French accent. “Done much branching out today?” he waggled his eyebrows.

I rolled my eyes but smiled back at him. “Just the usual.”

I’d lived in my apartment complex five years now, and despite my best efforts to avoid people, Jean seemed to be the one person who hadn’t quite caught on yet. Or maybe he was just that nice. Nonetheless, I enjoyed our little lobby banter, and found myself memorizing his work schedule so I’d get a chance to see him. He was a comfort in a world that always felt like it was rapidly spinning on its axis.

Jean was young, recently having graduated university with his bachelor’s in Communications. He’d taken this job because “I am very charming and good-mannered. The ladies love it and the men too; sometimes. I am good with both,” as he’d explained it to me one night. I hadn’t asked but I was entertained despite. He usually had that effect.

“Seen any good fireworks?” I asked him. His smile grew, which was something I wasn’t aware was even possible.

“Yes, indeed! This Independence Day is an American tradition I am very fond of. Did you also?” he asked.

“You..could say that.” my smile faltered. “Well, goodnight; Jean. I think I’m going to turn in.” I called over my shoulder, walking to the elevators.

“Oh..Alright, Willow! I will be seeing you.” he responded kindly.

“I’ll be seeing you,” I stepped into the elevator.

———————————————————————————

I got out of the elevator and stepped into the dimly lit third-floor hallway. There were faint murmurings of conversation and muted words from various films echoing throughout the hallway, but thankfully nothing too loud. My neighbors weren’t people I cared much to interact with, and luckily they seemed to feel the same. Our building was just a place to live, not a group-building exercise that you do in eighth-grade gym. Those usually ended up with someone in the hospital anyway. “Trust fall,” my ass.

I unlocked my apartment door and stepped into the small, dank space. A table with two chairs, a kitchenette, and a fifteen-dollar couch bought off of E-Bay. It wasn’t much, but it was safe, and mine. That was really all I needed.

I stepped into my bathroom and splashed cold water onto my face, and started to work on my hands, which in better light I noticed had faint traces of blood. I thanked the first deity I could think of for the dark car and (hopefully) my ride’s inability to notice the incriminating stains.

When I was satisfied, I headed to my bedroom and shrugged off my oversized dark-wash denim jacket, followed by my black cargo pants, black turtleneck, and black doc martens. I regretfully owned zero ninja attire, so this was the best I could do.

As I got ready for bed, my thoughts drifted to the boy from today. Had he been involved with the organization too? I shuddered at the thought that I’d have to take another life from the same family, which would leave only their mother behind. God, it’d be a mess for her.

“Mothers are the toughest fighters out there,” mine would always remind me. “I hope you may have a daughter someday and teach her to be a fighter too.”

Despite all my mother’s rage, she did one thing right: she never lessened me in comparison to a man. She’d claim she was unlearning what her mother had instilled into her, yet still made the same mistakes. Taught me the same things.

I may be a killer, but my mother was a criminal. I will never forgive her for what she did.

I wondered, if he learned what I’d done; that boy would ever forgive me either. I wouldn’t ever get to know him well enough to figure that out.

[kalicocoa]

An Announcement on the State of Night Rule

So I’ve been struggling with how to say these things and I finally just need to get it off my chest. I think I’ll feel better after finally speaking about things, so here we go!

After today, I will not be participating in the Project SEKAI fanbase outside of finishing my fanfiction, Night Rule!

I’ve had a lot of unsavory experiences with people in this fanbase that were behind closed doors in a way. (Discord Servers, Private Messages, etc.) Making a big stink out of things will only reflect poorly on me as past experience has proven to me, so I’d rather just let sleeping dogs lie and remove myself from the equation without making an enormous post about those things.

I don’t feel very safe when interacting with people anymore and more often than not I’m hurt by unnecessary hostile behavior toward me. Hostility that ranged from disagreeing on meaningless headcanons to straight up bigotry at my expense. (I quite literally watched as some passionate readers of my fic turned on me immediately upon learning I was a person of color. I don’t feel good about this and I never will either.)

However, Night Rule will be completed. I plan to finish it, even if my motivation is practically abysmal lately. I have love for my story and the completed outline I worked so hard on, but I do not feel well writing this story for people that ultimately think little of me as the creator.

That being said, updates will be extremely scarce from this point onward. Hopefully at least once a month, but I can’t promise this due to my current mental health state. You’re getting this fanfiction for free and it’s a work that has brought a lot of aggression toward me as a person, so you can be reasonable and accept that it will update as much as it will on my terms. Hope that’s understood, because if it isn’t, that’s something you’ll have to deal with on your own I’m afraid.

Night Rule was a creation of my own personal passion for Proseka and its cast, fit with my favorite fantasy tropes and ideas I had been dying to use in a story for years. For this reason, it’s much too special to me to abandon and I plan to keep this as a thing for me before I worry about how much people love or hate it.

I recommend that if you only follow me for Project SEKAI, you should probably unfollow me now! I will not be sharing posts of it anymore and the only things related to Proseka that will be posted will be updates on this fic and reblogged fanworks of Night Rule if people continue to make those. I’ll still be playing the game on occasion, but I will not be talking about it on here casually from here on out.

Where I plan to go from here, I’m not really sure. I still have things that I enjoy, so I plan to keep writing and reblogging things that I like. Maybe I’ll move on to the next big interest. Maybe I’ll disappear someday. Who knows. We’ll figure it out when we get there.

But the point remains, this chapter of my life is coming to a close, and the end of Night Rule will be the end of my involvement in this fanbase for good.

Thank you for understanding! See you on the flip side. (❁´◡`❁)

[ohmygs-blog]

omg that area of ur room is so cute i love it?!?! pink haechan (🤤🤤) on display is actually so real of u, catch me doing it too :3 nct x harry x taylor is such a good mix hello i need to know other non kpop artists u like cause!! AND RUPAUL ON DISPLAY HELLO I LOVE IT!!!! plus the disney mini figures ahhh! :D

if u find ur binder id love to see ur 2 baddies pulls (or ur fav photocards!!) 💗 i love seeing peoples pc collections its so funzies!! do u collect/buy any other groups or just nct??

and since you so nicely asked hehe i have so many biases in nct its so difficult to narrow it down any more (not in any particular order): dreamies: jeno, jaemin and lately renjun!!! 127: doyoung, jaehyun, taeyong (and mark,, i dont know if i should put him in dreamies or 127 but still hes more of a bias wrecker ><) wayv: yangyang, ten and xiaojun!!

i still need to get to learning nct wish... ill get there someday, its just crazy to me how theres like a 13 year age gap between the youngest nct wish member and taeil. 😧😧😧

-💌

ah hi :D thank youuu!!! the corner has been the only part of my room to not change this year bc i’m scared i will miss it too much lol

yes rupaul & disney 🫶🫶🫶 such a drag race fan, idk how times i’ve watched every season, it’s crazyyy & im very much a collector of little things, if its tiny i will think its the cutest thing ever. (i really just have terrible impulse control and will buy something for no reason :D)

also one of the people who likes to fill their room with things they love, idk how people can have very minimalistic rooms… idk maybe bc i spend so much time in here but it’s my little happy place :) i’ll include some of my fav at the bottom for u <3 i’m too indecisive to pick only a couple fav singers or bands 🙈🙈

still looking out for the missing binder 🧐🧐 i don’t know if i really collect lol, i often just buy an album every target trip but i do try and buy at least one of their new albums!! i have a couple skz & txt albums, i think one svt, one le sserafim, & bts? im blanking on them lolol

ughhh yes the j line bias 😵‍💫😵‍💫 i always come back to them lol jeno was my ult when i first stanned dreamies but i think mark & haechan have stolen that title away. yangyang is also a fav of mineeeee

i haven’t really listened or looked in on wish either :( i keep telling myself i’ll watch the mvs and then i get distracted lol but i do keep seeing tiktoks abt sion (i think) lol

my favs :D : cigarettes after sex, keshi, olivia rodrigo, 21 savage, abba, falling in reverse, & idkkkkk

[whentherewerebicycles]

spent 3+ hours on the phone with liz walking the dogs in the rain and doing chores and making dinner so I’m cured of sadness basically. kind of a hard day but mostly just in the ways I anticipated it would be. job is official official and I’m very happy about it. I’ve decided not to psych myself out about the fact that it’s a big career jump and instead dive into the work with the assumption that 1) I can learn how to do it with practice, 2) not having done this work at this level before means I’ll have to really listen to/observe/build relationships with people around me so I can learn from their expertise (which just seems like a good philosophy in general), and 3) I don’t have to stress about molding myself to some norm I made up in my head! I can decide what kind of professional I want to be and can just go about being that kind of professional. and if it takes a while to figure things out that’s normal—it took me a full two years before I really felt confident and competent in my last university job, so I should expect a similar adjustment period here.

I also just spent an hour paging through the two new cookbooks I ordered and looking at this other one my friend recommended online. this has given me lots of recipe ideas obviously but it’s also making me think about what the next stage in Learning How to Cook is going to look like. I feel like 4-5 months of focused practice has helped me achieved my initial goals of wanting to feel more confident in my ability to make new recipes, to produce consistent results when re-making old recipes, and to be able watch/taste food while cooking and make adjustments (to salt, fat, acid, and heat) as needed to improve the outcome. I’ve also tried a lot of new foods, taught myself to like new things by preparing them in different ways, and amassed a bunch of easy, low-fuss vegetarian/vegan meals that produce great leftovers.

I’d definitely like to continue expanding my repertoire of meals, but I’ve also been thinking that I want to develop a better understanding of how to construct really good meals. to me this means learning…

how to choose dishes that go well together,

how to prep simple starters and sides (both for planned meals & for when you’re just throwing things together based on what’s in the fridge)—idk I am such a one-dish-meal kind of person but I’d love to try a bunch of things and have more ideas to draw on!

how to make little tweaks to existing recipes that will amp up the wow factor of the dish… i feel like I have friends who are good at things like swapping out a run-of-the-mill dressing on a salad with something more intriguing, or preparing sides in ways that make the food feel a lot fancier without making the actual prep part more difficult. I always admire it when people can think of quick little upgrades to a simple meal and I wanna be able to do that someday too.

I think that’s going to be my next area of focus! I know that going back to work in person means I won’t have as much time/energy for extended all-afternoon cooking sessions but I know myself lol if I can make this next phase into a structured ~learning experience~ it will seriously boost my motivation to actually follow through. so I gotta think a bit about what I want this to look like and how I’m going to identify the skills involved & create opportunities for myself to practice them. gonna make myself a curriculum babyyy that’s what life is all about

[seasidepickup]

it’s october 24, 2020, i’m scheduling this to post in 2023, when i turn 20, see i don’t know if i’ll even be alive til then but if i am i think it’ll be nice to know i was thinking of me/you even now, how have the first few hours treated you so far? i hope it’s better than stupid i think you have a lot ahead of you and i really hope i’ll see this again someday, it’ll be a sign i think, anyway happy birthday

- (17 year old) Amal *****

checking in on july 31st, 2021

this year has been a little rough quite a few scandals but topped off by a girl i think i love so much that i can barely rmbr what the problems were abt not too long ago. it’s still hard ofc but we’re learning how to cope and deal w that ! you have a job now!!! i’m so proud that you did it, i think i’m gna leave it soon tho but that’s ok bc i’m trying to welcome change, maybe a little too much, things are looking up tho in the places i can control and ik it’s gonna get better from here so i’m excited for you. have u moved out future future amal? how are you and ***? it’s really good right now even tho we’re both struggling individually. havent said we love each other yet tho even tho i think we both do…. i hope all is well or that you’re taking it all well at least, hope to see you soon- (18 and 5 months old) Amal *****

March 15, 2022

I turned 19 not too long ago, and the birthday was good but so so lonely. i think that’s a problem within me, not based on who’s around me. Anyway, my first day of work at starbucks is tomorrow and i’m really excited, it’s gonna be pushing me, given that most of my shifts are hella early but ik it’s gonna be good for me and i have a feeling i’m gonna be there for a long time. I’m still in a relationship but i’ve been struggling mentally for awhile (nothing new) I hope i can figure something out soon, it’s different being depressed when you’re with someone, cuz it’s not just you who’s effected and u can really see how you’re feeling reflected back in how you treat people and how hard the simplest things turn out to be. I just want to be better and ik there’s layers to all this but i don’t want to be like this with her. I grew a lot last year, i’ll miss being 18 it was a really good time and i changed in ways i never thought i needed. But i also have a really good feeling about this year. I’m trying to be more practical, i’m also realizing how much i care abt my family and the traditional things that i can’t have with my untraditional identity, and that’s a doozy (ew lmao). I’m just trying to keep up, it’s hardest to keep up with myself tho. See you soon xx

May 28, 2023

I’ve been procrastinating this post, i haven’t really known what to say because so much has happened, and there’s so much that i don’t want to think about from the last few months. it’s a bit overwhelming, all the change. i’m an actual adult now, i have an internship, i’m in college, i’ve moved on from my last relationship and i’ve learned who i am outside of it. it’s bittersweet. letting that person go, and who i was with them, but it’s good. i needed all of that and i would never change it. i’m handing things better, but it’s scary of course. i’m in a place i never thought i would be when i started this thread. i have so much drive and passion again, self-respect and love too. i have plans but i’m learning that my mom was right, you can plan and plan but the universe (or god lol) might have something else in store for you, i’m welcoming all of that, albeit begrudgingly. but yea. i liked being a kid, i’m reverting to the things that brought me simple joy, like accessories and silly pens, my family and best friend, crushes, etc. i’m letting myself enjoy all the things i denied for so long. i’m learning no matter how much you have to say, sometimes you’re the only person who needs to hear it, take that as you will. but anyway, being 20… i didn’t think i’d live this long a few years ago, but i’m here now, i know i would be proud had i known where id end up. and deep down that 17/18/19 year old me is coming out to let me know that. in the little things that i do, in the ways i’ve surpassed myself and grown, they know what im doing, and what’s ahead of me, and how much better it’s gotten. i hope it’s only up from here. but i do know that the highs and lows are ok too, you can’t have highs without having lows and whatnot. i have a lot of healing and growing ahead of me, and i welcome that, because it’s got me this far, i have hope, faith, and trust in myself and the future, something that i didn’t allow myself to indulge in for so long, i hope more surprises are in my future, i know that the plans and beliefs d set in stone a few years ago are ever changing, and that’s ok, it’s not a betrayal to my old self. it’s just me looking out for me. and being mature enough to learn and understand my growth includes something different than what i wanted or believed when i was 17

- Amal :)

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

[drizzyk]

Four days since I broke the no-contact rule. Nine months down the drain because my emotions got the better of me. Nine months of silence, nine months of effort, healing, and heartbreak—all gone because I missed you too much. Because I just needed you to know, to even slightly grasp how much it hurt, how unbearable the longing was, and how those months felt like pure hell.

Reaching out to you was a difficult decision. A part of me knew I was setting myself up for nothing in return. After all, it’s been nine months. But still, a small part of me hoped for something, anything. I know I asked you not to reach out, but the fact that you didn’t, not even once, felt like a slap in the face. Now, I just feel so pathetic and desperate.

I always knew, deep down, that it was over for you. I could sense it, even before we stopped talking. But despite that, a part of me hoped that maybe, just maybe, you were struggling with this as much as I was.

So when you didn’t respond, didn’t reach out, didn’t even acknowledge the weight of everything I poured out to you, did it hurt? Yes. But maybe less than I expected, because with you, I’ve learned that pain is always part of the equation. So yes, it did hurt—a little, not as much as I expected, but it still did.

Do I regret reaching out? Not really. It feels like this was the final straw I needed to truly walk away. If I’m honest, I think I couldn’t fully move on because I had convinced myself that maybe, somewhere deep down, you were longing too. That you felt the same emptiness I did during those nine months of nothingness.

But now, I know. I know you didn’t reach out because you didn’t feel the need to. The truth is harsh, but it’s clear: You didn’t reach out because letting go of five years, letting go of me, wasn’t as hard for you as it was for me.

Am I mad? No. As much as I have every right to be, I’m not. I just don’t want you to drain the life out of me anymore. I refuse to. So no, I’m not mad. I’m just tired— tired of feeling like I’m stuck in this endless cycle of hurt when it comes to you.

As heartbreaking as it is, I still want to remember you as someone who made me feel deeply loved and accepted, even if you never truly knew me on a deeper level. I’d still like to think of you that way. I want to remember you as the guy who made me fall completely, recklessly in love, who made me smile until it hurt, and who filled me with the kind of thrill I’ll always remember.

I’ll remember you as the one who walked away for both of us.Someone who chose to hurt me in the most painful way possible, just to save me from what I didn’t deserve.

I know that someday, years from now—maybe while I’m savoring a quiet moment over a cup of coffee or a whiskey sour, while I’m lost in a daydream, or simply strolling down a familiar street—I’ll think of you-- I’ll remember you, and a part of me will ache, but I’ll also feel a deep gratitude. I’ll be thankful that you had the strength to walk away, even when it shattered me.

In case you're wondering where I go from here, I honestly don’t know. But one thing's for sure: that was the last time I’ll reach out to you. The last time I’ll be vulnerable, the last time I’ll care.

I guess now I have to learn how to miss you without wishing you back into my life. I have to figure out how to carry the weight of that ache without letting it crush me. I have to accept that love sometimes means letting go.

Now, I have to embrace the emptiness without letting it consume me, to feel the longing without allowing it to pull me back into the place I fought so hard to escape.

It’s the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to face yet—learning how to miss you while knowing that I can’t want you back anymore.

And so, I’ll carry the ache quietly, and let it fade away, find the strength to keep moving forward, even if a part of you will forever stay with me.

[scarletrecords]

in my animal crossing era but genshin teapot edition

i really have no idea what came over me suddenly—maybe it’s the amount of serenitea teapot showcases i’ve been seeing at hoyolab every time i do my daily check-ins and companionship things, and my recent moving back to my parents’ hoouse that caused me to clean, organize, and rearrange me and my sister’s room—but last night and up until about half of today, i had the urge to start things over with my longforsaken teapot that i told myself i’ll turn to a husband realm of sorts. however, this time i decided to work on the interior of my mansion first.

i really wish hyv could also do something about the watermark of the game’s title when taking photographs just like they did with star rail’s remove the game logo option because it can look tacky at times. but i also need to work on my angles when taking photos in-game hehe. anyway, i have some cat furniture like this one positioned around the mansion for mr. pouncealot! ♡ॢ₍⸍⸌̣ʷ̣̫⸍̣⸌₎ but this’ll do for now for documentation. i do have a library behind the large cat bed, but i’ve yet to learn how to document it properly with the angles and all, so i’ll just place here a medium close shot of my favourite corner; those diona mini-soafs are really cute that it’s a pity we can’t sit on them. (~n~ )

the receiving area also holds the dining and drinking area (tea drinking for wriothesley my beloved, and okay for kaveh’s use, too). i was going to put thoma here originally, but because the teapot has a weird loading system (that i’m still trying to figure out myself since 2021), it won’t let me place him in there, though that’s another problem to solve for another teapot session.

(every time i see neuvillette’s handmade ladle, i can’t help but gush in the sheer cuteness of the ladle, and neuvillette, too. he’s the kind that can be both cute and badass, and i love him for it.)

besides the main hall in the first floor, i was also able to start working on the individual rooms of kaveh, thoma, and wriothesley (nothing is too tedious if it’s for my 2D husbands), but i’ll finish the entire room first before i take the photos. i know it’s also ridiculous that i’m thinking about their bathroom situation, but really: why do some game developers neglect this biological aspect? it’s probably not going to contribute anything major or even useful in the plot of the game or better gamer experience, but if we’re including furniture arrangement in games why is there neglect for bathrooms and bodily functions (i can’t allow my husbands to pee or poop in the wild even though nobody in the game does that actually, i know)? so anyway, i plan to make a makeshift washroom then since genshin won’t be doing that anytime soon or ever. at least they created baths when the inazuma teapot realm was released.

i did manage to start with the facade and the surrounding area of my mansion, as well as kaveh’s outdoor workshop and wriothesley’s outdoor pankration ring-slash-training ground, but i’ll do the documentation some other day, when i’ve figured out the angles to showcase the outdoor build.

someday i’ll join the ranks of those awesome teapot mains, but for now, i’ll finish redesigning and redecorating the first of my husband realms. ( ᵕ̤ ‧̫̮ ᵕ̤ )

anyway, have some adorably nerdy conversation screencaps with kaveh inside the teapot:

he is so cute gushing over architecture and design like the kshahrewar nerd that he is. ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू) truly my best husband ( ๑॔˃ ॢ‧̫˂)ॢ♡̷˚๐

[bokuaosubs]

Nice to meet you. I’m Yagi Toa. (Yagi Toa 1st blog)

Thank you for taking a look at this blog.

It’s nice to meet you。！

I’m Boku ga Mitakatta Aozora’s Yagi Toa. Please watch over me.

I never thought that, one day, I would be the one writing the blog instead of being the one reading it, so this is kind of a strange feeling. (*´꒳`*) I’m a little bit nervous…

Since it’s so nice to meet you [and this is my first blog], please allow me to introduce myself!!

◯ Name: Yagi Toa The origin of the name ‘仁愛’ [here, read as ‘Toa’] is, It seems that the kanji ‘仁’ means ‘compassion and kindness’ [and ‘愛’ means love] So, my mother told me that I was given this mame in hopes of growing up to be a person who is considerate and loved by many people。！

However, if you take just a glance at it, you won’t be able to read it the way you’re supposed to、。(￣^￣)

I’m from Tokyo, I’m 16-years-old and I’m a freshman in high school! My favourite food is ramen, and my favourite type of ramen has to be tonkotsu (pork bones) ramen because of its [rich] flavor.

As of late, I once more came to the realization of just how delicious my grandma’s vermicelli [both a type of pasta similar to spaghetti and also used to describe various types of thin noodles from Asia] salad is。、、！ So I can state that I like vermicelli salad too. (I even fight with my grandpa over it、、)

My favorite colours are light blue and blue, and I have always liked cold colours.

I’m indecisive, as well as not very organized, yet my blood type is type A. People often remark ‘That’s surprising!’.

My favourite seasons have to be spring and fall. The temperatures in those seasons make me feel really comfortable.

My boom [something that has recently become a habit/particularly trendy to her] as of late is to collect the toys from フエラムネ (Fueramune) [round candy that is ramune soda flavoured, with each candy having a little hole that allows you to whistle through it]!! I also like trying out different gacha.

Anyway, I like lots of things, and once I feel like I truly like something, I want to collect things related to it and pursue it as much as I can。！ (For example, I will eat food I like until I get tired of it and start to dislike it。、)

I wonder what’s left to say、、

Oh! Also, I’ve been learning to dance since I was 4 years old, so I’d say I’m pretty good at dancing!

Hmmm, that aside、、、

When it comes to introducing yourself, it’s hard to figure out what to write about, isn’t it、、、。

You may be surprised to learn how little you know about yourself。、

I hope to eventually discover more things about my own personality through our future activities。！

Being an idol was a dream that I had longed for, without telling anybody about it, and there were times when I thought that it was an out of character dream for me to have and I wanted to give up, but I still couldn’t find myself actually giving up, So I thought that if I failed this audition, I would, at last, leave this dream behind, so I decided to give it one final shot.

That’s why I feel a little bit like it was fate [to get accepted].

But, to be honest, I still lack many of the attributes needed as an idol、、、

I am clumsy and negative, and I feel now more than ever that it’ll take a tremendous amount of effort and time to make up for what I’m lacking in.

However, I hope that someday I’ll become a wonderful idol who can inspire hope and excitement to someone, the same [way I’ve received those feelings from idols in the past]. I will do my best to eventually become a person who could make those who support me feel happy to do so.

And, one day, much like the endless blue sky, we would like to grow step by step, while aiming to become a group that could be loved by many people for a long time, receiving such great, everlasting love that wouldn’t have an end in sight。！！

I have talked quite a lot about this distant ‘someday’. But I truly have SO many dreams that I want to make come true together with this group!

The members are all really kind, cute and charming, and I hope to be able to convey the great qualities of every one of the members, everyday, to as many people as possible.

All 23 of us will do our best to achieve these dreams, and I hope that you will warmly watch over us and lend us your support.

Finally, since this is important, I’d like to post a photo of Aoi-chan and I, taken during the filming of the member introduction video! (*’▽’*)

I hope to get to post lots of pictures with everyone in the group as I keep updating the blog in this way!!

Well then! I think that’s it for today。！

Thank you very much for reading all this way and thanks for your support!!。

That’s all for today’s Yagi Toa!

[TL by: yuzuiro]

[apieceofconsciousness]

I made a stupid fucking caption about friends here that I never ended up liking because I couldn't word it properly so I wrote this

All of my memories are through photos and videos of these friends and maybe I’ll remember them fully someday. I sit on my bed eating a cheesecake and it is 1:16. I think about how I was 14. I am 17 now, i’ll be 18 in a few months. I try to imagine how my mind and thinking has changed in only half a year and it still escapes me. I’m grateful for it but i’m scared of acknowledging how different it was from my first year at high school.

i worry my brain will break doing all of this. But i take it in stride, and i’m not stupid. My brain is changing because i am growing, because of the summer, and because of me. I think differently and it’s something i grieve.

I can see the people around me getting addicted. Trying new things and not letting go, going for more, looking at more in the future. I realize my hypocrisy, but i know i’ve developed a discipline, kind of. i just hope they’re all ok.

some people i haven’t seen in a while and i miss them and i worry they hate me because i was busy for the last month and now i’m fucking things up and overthinking daily and fuck therapy better work when it starts because therapy in my own head is brutal and confusing and complicated and tiring and i’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. I can’t hold myself up and the season is changing. I don’t know what to do. I’ll be fine in the end like i have been before but not knowing how makes everything such an ache, a burden on top of being a burden.

I was more hopeful about the future 2 months ago. and it approaches and my crystal clear plan blurs into nothing more than an afterthought and every time i’m reminded of it i panic and i panic and for fuck’s sake i wish i could ask for help better. i wish i had learned to speak up for it.

I have school in 7 hours and i am 17. the semester just changed and i am in grade 12, my life isn’t over after high school, contrary to what i believed in elementary. I wish peace for myself and i work towards peace with my mental wounds but i can’t seem to fully get there yet, sometimes i question if this good day will last forever and then i sit down, and think.

i wish i was better for my partner, she doesn’t need my overthinking with her exhilarating and fast brain, but i know that she’s locked in at this point and we’ll figure it out.

maybe someday i’ll remember the face in the mirror fully, until then i look at them as if i’m encountering an old friend and look away just the same, because i know things have changed. my face is different, i was 7 and i couldn’t look out my bathroom window, i was 13 and i could, i am 17, and my house is changed. i don’t have a bathroom window and my walls are grey. the vent is falling out of the ceiling and i’m too forgetful to just screw it back in. my curtains don’t have designs that the child me would find faces out of, and my sink is more reflective of me, and not who i wish i would become.

i am 17. and i will be 18. and then i will mourn this age like i’ve mourn the last, and hopefully i will find peace, though i’m afraid i’ve found peace in this grievance. i love life but i hate mine, and my reasons for it getting foggy every day. i must learn to forgive myself, and i hope that will come. i need to let go, and i thought that had to come from blocking some accounts on social media, but i think i’m at peace with that, as i’ve written what i hope stands as a true summary of my feelings for a long time. i love my life, but i hate myself, i love the ability to observe people and culture and places and thoughts and expressions and beauty in so many forms, but i hate myself because i can’t do math or sit still in a chair or not focus with headphones.

maybe i’m a wreck, maybe that is what the later years of growing up is. I was scared that growing up would be boring, or that it would be great and go too quick, but i didn’t know i should’ve been scared that it would’ve been painful.

i hope the peace i long for finds me, and i hope the friends i can co-exist with stay close with me. i wish i was better at expressing the love i have and i hate that the people closest to me are the hardest ones to show my gratitude to, it’s my fault for my racing mind.

I have school in 6 hours, and i remember how my schedule was so different a year ago, how i thought i ruled a different part of the city, and where i bussed everywhere. i’m happy for my partner’s car, and she knows it, just as much as she knows i miss my board. i’m alive because of her. i really would’ve done it. this winter was going to be shit. or maybe i wouldn’t have, i pull back on everything last minute.

i understand why my friends love flowers and their friends and cats and oranges and unheard of niche games and the colour green, but a green somewhere in the spectrum of olive and forest green, closer to forest, and skateboarding and live concerts and music and books and poetry and god i hate that my mind was only aware and not obsessed with these things, these building blocks of my psyche and push me through every single day, i hope to whatever god that someday i’ll be able to express myself in the way only i ever want to and that i’m financially good enough for me and my mom since she puts up with my stupid ass and that my girlfriend stays there with me the whole time and that i get my creative outlets into the world and i hope that one day i wake up satisfied with my achievements, and that i continue afterwards.

i must learn to love myself, but until then i will love my friends the way i wish i could turn it inwards, and maybe it’ll help someone, and that’ll be worth it. i feel most like myself when i’m not doing good, and that’s ok, i’ve started to feel an odd comfort in feeling like myself even if the circumstances aren’t ideal.

i am older now, wiser, i have much more wisdom to gain, and i am appreciative of the good people in my life, i believe learning this early is important and i’m proud i work on it.

i am 17, and the promise of tomorrow calls me to rest tonight.

[willowlillysunnyday]

what years of unmasking looks like

I, like many others during COVID-19, realised that something wasn’t quite right. I’d been struggling for years, trying to figure out what was going on with me mentally, having formal diagnoses of social anxiety and depression. But living by myself for three whole months, barely seeing anyone for such a long amount of time, really put things into perspective for me. If you, dear reader, by some miracle, haven’t experienced solitude as I and many others have, then allow me to take you on a journey of how I figured out that I have autism.

           I was always the weird kid in school; I sat by myself, daydreamed in class, and had a too-specific interest in astronomy. Mrs Russell always gave me detention for zoning out in class, Thai would always tell me to go away once I got too annoying to hang out with her, and Aisha and Lauren would follow me around and call me a ‘lezbyund’. It’s like they all knew something I didn’t, and looking back on it now, they probably did. ‘Don’t do that,’ was a lesson I recalled too many times.

           I suppressed as much of my behaviour as I could, learning what was and wasn’t acceptable to others with each passing year. I told no one of my obsessions with Minecraft and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, swallowed back any out-of-place thoughts threatening to bubble out, and kept myself at a distance from others lest the mask slip. And it did slip, on many occasions actually, and each time I’d feel the sting of awkward silences and the disturbed ‘Okayyyy’s. I even feel ashamed to remember keeping the mask up around my best friend, thinking that she, too, would reject me if she saw what I was really like.

           (Rachel, you were silly, she’s just as cooky as you, and you literally live together now.)

           Looking back on it now, school kids are assholes. Things change once you enter a more diverse, adult world; sexuality, gender expression, nationality, and disability. These, however, were all turbo-charged by the time COVID-19 hit its peak. Early 2021, I’m not only realising that I don’t feel like a girl, but all the learned behaviours I’d built up over the years were all starting to crumble. I’d have a set routine, I talked to myself often, and vocal and physical stims started to come out. While completely alone for three months, I also felt the freest. No one was around to tell me I was weird for chirping on the way to get snacks from the fridge, no one could look at me funny for rubbing at my nose when I got excited, and no one could judge me for how I chose to dress and do my makeup. I accumulated hyper focuses on Pokémon, Stardew Valley, Miraculous Ladybug, and then reawakened my obsession with Voltron from 2017. The mask was finally gone and I could be who I wanted to be; both in how I understood my gender but also where I was at mentally.

           Fast forward two years, and I’ve been identifying as a genderqueer autistic since those three lonely months. As expected, the mask went up again once I moved to a new town, but there’s not a lot of pressure to keep it up as long. I learned quickly that my best friend, her boyfriend, and our old flatmate were all so similar, nothing was ever truly weird or annoying, and I never get a warning tingle of ‘don’t do that’ but I’ll admit some stims have yet to make an appearance. My current workplace is so accepting and supportive, even if I literally have a meltdown on shift but I’m glad that I feel safe enough there to do so. The old me would have bottled it up and let it get worse until I exploded.

           (The first time I had a meltdown on shift, that was exactly what happened.)

           I allow myself to feel upset when my routines are broken, I allow myself distance when I feel overwhelmed, and I allow those I’m close with to know what they can do to help. I would like to get a formal diagnosis; maybe someday when it’s more physically and financially accessible to do so. For now, I know my mind, I know how it works, I do my best to keep it in check where need be, and I know where I can let it run free. Since my rebirth two years ago, I’m different from the child who hid away behind a crude imitation of ‘normal’ to evade rejection. Sure, I still feel that sting, but who really gives a shit y’know?

[iusedtobeapieceofconsciousness]

I made a stupid fucking caption about friends here that I never ended up liking because I couldn't word it properly so I wrote this

All of my memories are through photos and videos of these friends and maybe I’ll remember them fully someday. I sit on my bed eating a cheesecake and it is 1:16. I think about how I was 14. I am 17 now, i’ll be 18 in a few months. I try to imagine how my mind and thinking has changed in only half a year and it still escapes me. I’m grateful for it but i’m scared of acknowledging how different it was from my first year at high school.

i worry my brain will break doing all of this. But i take it in stride, and i’m not stupid. My brain is changing because i am growing, because of the summer, and because of me. I think differently and it’s something i grieve.

I can see the people around me getting addicted. Trying new things and not letting go, going for more, looking at more in the future. I realize my hypocrisy, but i know i’ve developed a discipline, kind of. i just hope they’re all ok.

some people i haven’t seen in a while and i miss them and i worry they hate me because i was busy for the last month and now i’m fucking things up and overthinking daily and fuck therapy better work when it starts because therapy in my own head is brutal and confusing and complicated and tiring and i’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. I can’t hold myself up and the season is changing. I don’t know what to do. I’ll be fine in the end like i have been before but not knowing how makes everything such an ache, a burden on top of being a burden.

I was more hopeful about the future 2 months ago. and it approaches and my crystal clear plan blurs into nothing more than an afterthought and every time i’m reminded of it i panic and i panic and for fuck’s sake i wish i could ask for help better. i wish i had learned to speak up for it.

I have school in 7 hours and i am 17. the semester just changed and i am in grade 12, my life isn’t over after high school, contrary to what i believed in elementary. I wish peace for myself and i work towards peace with my mental wounds but i can’t seem to fully get there yet, sometimes i question if this good day will last forever and then i sit down, and think.

i wish i was better for my partner, she doesn’t need my overthinking with her exhilarating and fast brain, but i know that she’s locked in at this point and we’ll figure it out.

maybe someday i’ll remember the face in the mirror fully, until then i look at them as if i’m encountering an old friend and look away just the same, because i know things have changed. my face is different, i was 7 and i couldn’t look out my bathroom window, i was 13 and i could, i am 17, and my house is changed. i don’t have a bathroom window and my walls are grey. the vent is falling out of the ceiling and i’m too forgetful to just screw it back in. my curtains don’t have designs that the child me would find faces out of, and my sink is more reflective of me, and not who i wish i would become.

i am 17. and i will be 18. and then i will mourn this age like i’ve mourn the last, and hopefully i will find peace, though i’m afraid i’ve found peace in this grievance. i love life but i hate mine, and my reasons for it getting foggy every day. i must learn to forgive myself, and i hope that will come. i need to let go, and i thought that had to come from blocking some accounts on social media, but i think i’m at peace with that, as i’ve written what i hope stands as a true summary of my feelings for a long time. i love my life, but i hate myself, i love the ability to observe people and culture and places and thoughts and expressions and beauty in so many forms, but i hate myself because i can’t do math or sit still in a chair or not focus with headphones.

maybe i’m a wreck, maybe that is what the later years of growing up is. I was scared that growing up would be boring, or that it would be great and go too quick, but i didn’t know i should’ve been scared that it would’ve been painful.

i hope the peace i long for finds me, and i hope the friends i can co-exist with stay close with me. i wish i was better at expressing the love i have and i hate that the people closest to me are the hardest ones to show my gratitude to, it’s my fault for my racing mind.

I have school in 6 hours, and i remember how my schedule was so different a year ago, how i thought i ruled a different part of the city, and where i bussed everywhere. i’m happy for my partner’s car, and she knows it, just as much as she knows i miss my board. i’m alive because of her. i really would’ve done it. this winter was going to be shit. or maybe i wouldn’t have, i pull back on everything last minute.

i understand why my friends love flowers and their friends and cats and oranges and unheard of niche games and the colour green, but a green somewhere in the spectrum of olive and forest green, closer to forest, and skateboarding and live concerts and music and books and poetry and god i hate that my mind was only aware and not obsessed with these things, these building blocks of my psyche and push me through every single day, i hope to whatever god that someday i’ll be able to express myself in the way only i ever want to and that i’m financially good enough for me and my mom since she puts up with my stupid ass and that my girlfriend stays there with me the whole time and that i get my creative outlets into the world and i hope that one day i wake up satisfied with my achievements, and that i continue afterwards.

i must learn to love myself, but until then i will love my friends the way i wish i could turn it inwards, and maybe it’ll help someone, and that’ll be worth it. i feel most like myself when i’m not doing good, and that’s ok, i’ve started to feel an odd comfort in feeling like myself even if the circumstances aren’t ideal.

i am older now, wiser, i have much more wisdom to gain, and i am appreciative of the good people in my life, i believe learning this early is important and i’m proud i work on it.

i am 17, and the promise of tomorrow calls me to rest tonight.

[snowflakesnsundry]

There’s a certain level of connection and emotional investment required to write any character well. Loki, in my opinion, is not a character that is easily written. He is complex, guarded, and often contradicts himself. Even so, you have captured his essence with this story. You explore his nuances and show glimpses of his hidden qualities in a way that is characteristic of Loki (for better or worse). You understand who Loki is. ❤️

Now for some specific favorites:

I love that you nodded to the snake story (it’s one of my favorite parts of Ragnarok!)

It’s easy to understand when and why Loki is masking around others.

The protagonists personality is a great blend of her parents. She clearly takes after her father, but I think she has much more of her mother in her than she realizes. It will be interesting to see if she acknowledges and develops that side of herself (considering everything that’s happened and what lies ahead)

Baldur! Frustrating, infuriating, smug, vicious, strategic… I could go on. Very well done😅

I’m anxious to see when/how the prejudice towards Jotunheim and the frost giants effects future events. It feels like she’s had so many clues but hasn’t put 2&2 together. Then again each clue has been spaced far enough apart that it’s easy to see why the connection hasn’t been made yet.

I’ve got a pretty big conspiracy theory about their conversation re: seiðr but I’m probably reaching so I’ll spare you the chaos of my mind labyrinth 🤣

Sorry, this turned out to be much longer than I intended!

Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better. I just wanted to let you know what I appreciate about your work (specifically).

I… Anon, I cannot say thank you enough. Writing has been my joy my whole life, and before I started this fic I had been stuck in a stage of my life where I had lost faith in my ability to do so. The fact that you have cared enough about what I have written to convey this level of detail and insight into the story strikes me to my absolute core- and again, I cannot thank you enough. At the risk of over sharing- the reason I adore writing Loki is because I relate to him perhaps a little too well. I grew up the child of a very visible public figure, and felt as if I never quite lived up to expectations. I had one parent who was gentler with me, and we shared a love of writing through which we connected. With my other parent, their anxieties and fears for my future often left us at odds, and I felt as if they strongly preferred my siblings. I always fell short of what they wanted me to be, and so I largely drew inward. In highschool, the former parent passed away, and it broke a part of me. I reacted by engaging in increasingly self destructive behaviors, and withdrew from everyone else. Eventually, I was fortunate enough to meet someone (a tutor) who helped me advocate for myself and ask to go to therapy; they helped me not just internalize everything anymore. I learned what parts of me were different, and why I often felt I fell short- and fortunately have been able to get a lot of help with it Unlike loki, over time I grew much closer to my family, and have been able to fully settle into my own (mostly)- and its something I hope his character finds as well. Watching the TV series was something that made me feel like, maybe, there was a realistic chance for me to find some sort of healthy relationship with someone someday- despite all the imperfect parts of me. Because someday, I will find someone who understands those things too. Anyway, for those reasons- and others- your comment and your kindness made me cry. That was something i seriously needed <3 If you see this, I beg you- send me your conspiracy theory. I too live in a constant mind labyrinth, and I would love to see yours. Also, new chapter is now up :P Again- Thank you. https://archiveofourown.org/works/33865711/chapters/109025235

[starliitstories]

nightshaderps​:

When Erend talked so confidently and seriously, it made Serah stop walking for a while. His speech was moving and she knew he was right. The most important thing was what choices they made, how they carried themselves, kept going and how that affects present. Even though Serah sometimes thought about the past or wondered about the future, the present was mattered the most. “Well, I’ve come a long way”, Serah responded with a small nod. Serah knew she had gotten stronger. When she first met Snow, she found comfort from his heroism and felt good that there was someone who would help her in her time of need. When she became l'cie she certainly didn’t feel strong. She felt fragile, like she could break at any moment. She still leaning on Snow to make it better. After Lightning disappeared, whenever Serah was in trouble she hoped Lightning would suddenly come back to save her. When she got a chance to find Lightning and travel through time, she felt like she suddenly found the strength she had been missing so far. Her adventure with Noel turned her into confident and competent woman. It was something she really needed. “I like that. What you said about it not being about what we’ve been through, but how we’ve chosen to survive and are still going strong. It’s true that past doesn’t define us and it certainly does not determine what your future will bring. Our choices make us who we are and will become”, she said, feeling good about everything as she started to walk again. “As long as one trusts themselves that they are able to grow out of those negative patterns, they can grow into a new, beautiful and strong being. As for me, as long as I have people I can count on, I know I’ll be okay. And even if something goes wrong someday, it doesn’t have to have power over my future as long as I choose not to give it power but focus on surviving instead.”

It was nice to listen Serah and learn more about how her mind saw these things. She was brave and strong, there was no doubt about that. But just as brave as she was, there was so much gentleness and light in her heart. Serah dearly loved people around her and got so much strength from them as well. It made Erend to think about people he loved. Even though he had lost many, he still had gained as much. Sometimes his mind still returned to the time where his sister and Varl were. Of course he still missed them and would probably always do. But it wasn’t affecting to his daily life anymore. These people would never want to see Erend giving up or not moving forward.  “I honestly feel the same way. I have so much to thank for people like my sister was and how Aloy is now. If I face a problem I can’t figure out by myself, it doesn’t matter. Aloy or Kotallo will definitely be there to lend their hand. I guess we’re both lucky like that. Having people around us is what makes us strong, after all.” He nodded his head and looked back at Serah. In this lighting she looked even more like a beautiful masterpiece she already was. Her hair was the most gentle colored, reminding from her personality perfectly. Never in his life, had Erend met anyone like Serah. It amazed him but also made him feel slightly nervous around her. These kind of feelings were not something he knew how to handle gracefully. Often Erend just ended up stumbling over his words and actions, cursing his clumsiness. Just hoping to get closer at Serah, he decided to act as naturally as he possibly could. But seeing the beach appearing in front of them, eased his nervousness. His eyes took another gentle glance at her. “Do you like more seeing the sun rising or setting?” A man asked casually. Overall he didn’t think that much about the sun. But this time he wanted to know how Serah preferred it. Just learning more, even the smallest details, felt important.

[hesgotpotential]

is it technically considered “running away” if your an adult and you leave your families home and don’t know where to go you just know you have to leave before they actually kick you out, and you have been wanting to leave when you got enough money for a stable home but you don’t think that’s really an option anymore cause your dad doesn’t want you here and actively tells you that almost everyday and has now threatened to kick you out five or six times if you didn’t bend to his rules and do what he says and agree with him like a little puppet and you have done that every single time cause you were scared and didn’t really want to live on the street and really have no where else to go but your tired of faking just so he can be comfortable and hiding who you are so he won’t kick you out and you know he’s gonna play the victim card and make you look like the bad guy when your gone but it’s gotten too much and your ready to just leave and write a note about why you left and to tell them to pls not go looking for you and tell them who you truely are and if their willing to accept that with love and happiness then they are more than welcome back in your life but if not then they can go straight to their little lava pit hell they love to talk about so much a-and fuck cause if that’s what it’s called I might just be running away soon and with only $4 to my name heh…yay! 😑

[bluemoonfantasiesiii]

Rubedo voice lines

I’ve finally figured out some Ruby voice lines aside from teapot dialogue.

General Voice Lines

Hello

Hi there! I’m Rubedo, but you can call me Ruby for short. I’m really sorry about how we first met. I’m a lot more stable now, so I hope we can be friends!

Chat: Beauty

The world outside the mountain is so colorful!

Chat: Hunger

I’m getting hungry… Can we take a short lunch break?

When It Rains

It’s like a liquid flurry! Come on, let’s play in it!

When It Snows

The cold is so refreshing.

When the Sun Is Out

I think I see a rainbow!

Good Morning

It’s a new day full of new things to learn!

Good Afternoon

Lunch time! Can I help you cook this time? I’ll be careful with the fire!

Good Evening

The stars are starting to come out. I shouldn’t stay out too much longer.

Good Night

Sorry, I can’t keep myself awake now that the sun’s gone... *yawn* Good night.

About Rubedo: Nickname

I like my nickname! Apparently there’s a gemstone that’s also called ruby, so it makes me feel…pretty.

About Rubedo: Monster

The treasure hoarders and Fatui around Dragonspine have started seeing me as some kind of spooky spirit of the mountain~

About Us: Friends

The animals seem to really like you. If you have the time, would you mind helping me feed them? Hm? Of course it’s safe!

About Us: Feast (Friendship Level 6)

I’ve been practicing my cooking in my free time! If I had known how yummy a lot of things are when cooked, I would’ve been lurking closer to the base of the mountain looking for a Pyro whopperflower to split my food with me.

About Visions (Friendship Level 4)

So, humans need a special trinket to control the elements…? But Miss Mona says she doesn’t use her Vision to control Hydro… And you don’t have a Vision, either, but I’ve seen what you can do. And what about the Archons? This is so confusing! Can humans control the elements or can’t they??

Something to Share (Friendship Level 4)

So there are Electro whopperflowers in Inazuma? I guess that makes sense. They must have the prettiest purple petals! I’d love to meet one someday!

Interesting Things

Watching my Papa and my uncle create things, I started to feel a little left out. So one day, I was playing around with my Cryo abilities without really thinking about it, and before I knew it, there was a little bird made out of snow in front of me! So yeah, I can make ice sculptures!

About Family (Friendship Level 6)

Everyone in my family is so smart! Even Klee has her bombs! I know I’m still getting acclimated to being human, but I feel like I’m falling behind…

About Nigredo: Orders (Friendship Level 4)

Papa was pretty cold to me at first, and I was content to just do what he told me and follow my instincts. Now, he feels a lot warmer. I still worry about him, though…

About Nigredo: Salvation (Friendship Level 5)

If it weren’t for my Papa, I probably would’ve been taken out by some explorers by now, with no awareness of the bigger world around me or my real potential. I’m not ashamed to say what I am, but at the same time, I feel like he saved me from being just another whopperflower.

About Albedo (Friendship Level 4)

Uncle Albedo…scared me for a little while, but I understand why he had to hurt me back then. I think he’s being extra gentle with me now as a way of apologizing for that, even though I’ve told him that I forgive him. He’s really hard on himself…

About Klee (Friendship Level 4)

I have a really conflicting reaction to Klee. Her Pyro Vision makes me feel a little sluggish, but my instinct to mimic absorbs her energy and makes me all buzzy on the inside. It’s a weird feeling, but it’s so uniquely Klee, so I don’t mind it.

About Sucrose (Friendship Level 4)

She’s so nice! Sometimes, she gets bones that still have a little too much meat on them, so she lets me clean them off for her.

About Kaeya (Friendship Level 4)

Mister Kaeya takes some getting used to. He’s pretty hard to read. I can tell there’s something he’s hiding. He likes to act like he’s fine, but I can tell he’s not. I don’t want to pry, though. Whatever’s hurting him, it doesn’t seem like he wants to talk about it.

About Diluc (Friendship Level 4)

Mister Diluc? He feels like a warm hearth fire in the middle of a bad winter storm. I don’t know why everyone says he’s mean or broody. I don’t get that impression from him. He just seems like someone who’s been through a lot and doesn’t know how to deal with it.

About Barbara (Friendship Level 4)

I like singing with her! There was this one weird guy who kept following us, but I scared him away with my shapeshifting. Barbara tells me he hasn’t bothered her since!

About Razor (Friendship Level 4)

He’s very attuned to the animals of Mondstadt, just like me. He’s been helping me make friends with the wolves.

More About Rubedo I

Hm? You have questions for me? Okay! I’ll tell you as much as I can!

More About Rubedo II (Friendship Level 3)

What did I look like before Papa found me? Like any other Cryo whopperflower, I suppose. The pink I had in my petals when I met you was from the dragon’s blood Papa used to make me what I am now.

More About Rubedo III (Friendship Level 4)

I have a lot of trouble staying awake when there’s no sunlight. I do have some energy reserves for when I go cave exploring, but I can only go for so long until I drop. I am still a plant after all. That’s something I can’t change.

More About Rubedo IV (Friendship Level 5)

Whopperflowers usually confine ourselves to one area and don’t travel much, so we don’t really know much about the world outside of our little spaces. Before I left the mountain, I had no idea there were so many things that could come in colors other than white. I’ve talked to a few Pyros who didn’t even know what snow is!

More About Rubedo V (Friendship Level 6)

I’m not always a sweet little flower, you know. The treasure hoarders and Fatui agents on the mountain have turned me into an urban legend: The Doppelgänger of Dragonspine. If I see any of them getting too close to hurting someone, I mimic one of them and act like I’m gonna eat them! Now a lot of people think I’m some sort of spirit of the mountain~ But nope! I’m just a whopperflower with some perks!

Rubedo’s Hobbies

I like singing to the animals in my spare time. Sometimes my singing and dancing attracts people, too. I don’t mind, though! I like making new friends!

Rubedo’s Troubles

I wish I could figure out a way to stay up  a little later. I only get to see the stars for a few minutes before I conk out for the night.

Favorite Food

I love meat! Especially now that know what cooked boar meat tastes like! There are so many things you can do with it, and they’re all super yummy!

Least Favorite Food

I’m mostly made up of Cryo energy, so I’m really bad at handling spicy food. It can even hurt my mouth if it’s too intense.

Birthday

Happy birthday! I didn’t know what to get you as a present, so for the whole day, I’ll help you out with whatever you need! If you don’t need help with anything, I can just keep you company. You’re always on your own. If you have a picture I can look at…I could even be your twin for the day. If that’s okay with you.

Feelings About Ascension: Intro

Whoa! So even a creature like me can do this?

Feelings About Ascension: Building up

I’ve been able to stay up a bit longer after the sun goes down. I think it’s because I’ve been spending so much time with humans.

Feelings About Ascension: Climax

Every day I feel less and less like an outsider. Being human is complicated and confusing, but I think that’s the point.

Feelings about Ascension: Conclusion

I think I get it now. To be human is to be constantly learning. About the world, about other people, even about yourself. Thank you for helping me become human.

Party Lines

Joining your party:

“Let’s go make some new friends!”

“What will you teach me today?”

“Time to play?”

Elemental Skill

Poisonous Petal

Rubedo channels his Cryo abilities in the shape of a flower to unleash a blast of cold, dealing AoE Cryo DMG

“Blooming blizzard!”

“Frozen flower!”

“Flourishing flurry!”

Elemental Burst

Mirror Mirror

Rubedo briefly destabilizes his form and calls forth several Arcane Fruits to take root in the ground and deal AoE Cryo DMG

“Time for my next meal!”

“Are you scared yet?”

“Fear the frost!”

Finding treasure:

“Ooh! So sparkly!”

“Can I eat these? Huh? I can’t?”

“How pretty!”

Light hit taken:

“That stung!”

“That wasn’t nice!”

Heavy hit taken:

“Meanie!”

“Stop it!”

Low HP:

“You’re not playing fair!”

“You’re really pushing it now!”

“You’re gonna regret this!”

Ally at low HP:

“I can take it from here!”

“I can feel you fading. Let me help!”

Fallen:

“Not again…”

“Papa… Uncle…”

“I’m sorry… I failed…again…”

[myfanwymusings]

TAYLOR SWIFT / FEARLESS (TAYLOR’S VERSION)

These lyrics are from Taylor Swift’s 2021 re-recording of her 2008 sophomore album, Fearless. These lyrics may be modified to better fit roleplay purposes. Please note: every track from the new album has been included, except Love Story (Elvira Remix) and Forever & Always (Piano Version) due to their lyrics being duplicates of lyrics already in the album elsewhere.

FEARLESS

There's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained

I'm trying so hard not to get caught up

You're just so cool

I don't know how it gets better than this

With you I'd dance In a storm in my best dress

I wanna stay right here

I'm not usually this way

You pull me in and I'm a little more brave

FIFTEEN

Take a deep breath and walk through the doors

Try to stay out of everybody's way

You know, I haven't seen you around before

When you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them

When someone tells you they love you, you’re going to believe them

We'll be outta here as soon as we can

All you wanted was to be wanted

All I wanted was to be wanted

Back then, I swore I was gonna marry him someday

I realized some bigger dreams of mine 

I've found time can heal most anything 

I didn't know who I was supposed to be

I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen  

LOVE STORY

We were both young when I first saw you

Hello

Stay away from Juliet

I’m begging you, please don't go

Please don't go.

Take me somewhere we can be alone

All there's left to do is run

You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess

It’s a love story, baby just say yes.

Baby, just say yes.

We're dead if they knew

They're trying to tell me how to feel 

This love is difficult, but it’s real

Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess

I got tired of waiting 

My faith in you is fading

I’ve been so alone

I keep waiting for you but you never come

Is this in my head?

I don’t know what to think

Marry me, Juliet

You’ll never have to be alone

I love you, and that’s all I really know

I talked to your dad

Go pick out a white dress

HEY STEPHEN

I know looks can be deceiving

I know I saw a light in you

I didn't say half the things I wanted to 

You might have me believing I don't always have to be alone

I can't help it if you look like an angel 

I wanna kiss you in the rain 

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you 

I can't help it if there's no one else

I can’t help myself

I've been holding back this feeling, so I got some things to say to you

I never seen nobody shine the way you do 

I've seen it all, so I thought

I think you and I should stay the same

Why aren't you here tonight?

I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose

All those other girls, well, they're beautiful but would they write a song for you?

WHITE HORSE

Say you're sorry

That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to 

I honestly believed in you

This ain't a fairytale 

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down 

Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes 

I didn't know to be in love that you had to fight to have the upper hand 

I had so many dreams about you and me 

I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well 

YOU BELONG WITH ME

She's going off about something that you said

She doesn't get your humor like I do 

What you're looking for has been here the whole time 

Why can't you see that you belong with me?

I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be 

You've got a smile that could light up this whole town 

Hey, isn't this easy? 

You say you're fine but I know you better than that 

I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night 

All this time how could you not know?

Have you ever thought just maybe you belong with me?

BREATHE (FEAT. COLBIE CALLAIT)

None of us thought it was gonna end that way

People are people and sometimes we change our minds

It's killing me to see you go after all this time

I don't know what to be without you around

We know it's never simple

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand 

I can't breathe without you, but I have to

I never wanted this, I never wanna see you hurt

Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out 

It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend

TELL ME WHY

You might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not

You took a swing, I took it hard

Down here from the ground I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude

I'm feeling like I don't know you

You tell me that you love me, then cut me down 

You know you got a mean streak

I remember what you said last night

I know, that you see, what you're doing to me 

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day

I'm sick and tired of your reasons

I got no one to believe in

You tell me that you want me, then push me around

Why do you have to make me feel small?

Why do you have to put down my dreams?

YOU’RE NOT SORRY

I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down

It's taken me this long, baby, but I've figured you out

You're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around

You don't have to call anymore 

This is the last straw 

I don't wanna hurt anymore

You can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you, baby, like I did before

You're not sorry

I might believe you if I didn't know

I could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold 

You've got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know

You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade

THE WAY I LOVED YOU

I couldn't ask for anything better

You look beautiful tonight

I feel perfectly fine 

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain

It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name 

I never knew I could feel that much 

You're so in love that you acted insane

He can't see the smile I'm faking

My heart's not breaking cause I'm not feeling anything at all

FOREVER & ALWAYS

Were you just kidding?

I don't feel welcome anymore

Baby, what happened? 

He still hasn't called

You feel so low you can't feel nothing at all

I was there when you said forever and always 

Was I out of line? 

Did I say something way too honest?

I thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure 

Where is this going?

Did you forget everything?

I don’t think so

You didn't mean it

THE BEST DAY

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

You're not scared of anything at all

I know I had the best day with you today

How my friends could be so mean?

I don't know who I'm going to talk to now at school 

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger 

You're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

I know you were on my side even when I was wrong

I didn't know if you knew

CHANGE

I believe in whatever you do

I'll do anything to see it through 

These things will change

Can you feel it now? 

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down

The time will come for us to finally win

So we've been outnumbered, raided, and now cornered

It's hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair

We're getting stronger

They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared

There's something in your eyes says we can beat this 

We never gave in

JUMP THEN FALL

I like the way you sound in the morning

Your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard

All I can think is we should be together

Don't be afraid to jump then fall

I'm never gonna leave you 

I'll catch you 

The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry 

I'll hold you through the night until you smile

Every time you smile, I smile

Every time you shine, I shine

UNTOUCHABLE

I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why

I'm caught up in you

When you're close, I feel like coming undone

Say that we'll be together 

I won't wait here all day 

I want to feel you by my side and standing next to me

COME IN WITH THE RAIN

I don't wanna go there anymore

I know all the steps up to your door but I don't wanna go there anymore

I'll leave my window open

I'm too tired at night to call your name

Just know I'm right here hoping that you'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song but I don't wanna have to go that far 

I've got you down, I know you by heart and you don't even know where I start 

I don't know what else I can say 

I'm too tired at night for all these games 

SUPERSTAR

This is wrong but I can't help but feel like there ain’t nothing more right

I can't help but wish I could see your face 

I knew from the first note played I'd be breaking all my rules to see you

I'm no one special, just another wide-eyed girl who's desperately in love with you

Loneliness comes around when I'm not dreaming about you 

I knew when I saw your face I'd be counting down the ways to see you 

I'm invisible and everyone knows who you are 

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR

In the heat of the fight I walked away ignoring words that you were saying

This time I've had enough

I'm so mad I might tell you that it's over 

Leave

I'm in love with you

All I need is on the other side of the door 

I keep going back over things we both said 

If you know everything tell me why you couldn't see when I left, I wanted you to chase after me 

I can't even look at you 

I don’t need you, but I do

There's nothing you can say to make this right again, I mean it 

TODAY WAS A FAIRY TALE

Today was a fairy tale

I used to be a damsel in distress

Time slows down whenever you're around

Can you feel this magic in the air?

I fell in love when I saw you standing there

It's getting so much clearer 

Nothing made sense 'til the time I saw your face

YOU ALL OVER ME (FEAT. MAREN MORRIS)

I lived, and I learned, had you, got burned

Swore that I'd get out of here

No amount of freedom gets you clean

I've still got you all over me  

The best and worst day of June was the one that I met you 

Don't you wish you had me? 

Every breath of air I breathe reminds me of then 

I watched a part of myself die

MR. PERFECTLY FINE

I've been waitin' for you all my life

Every single day until the end, I will be by your side

It takes everything in me just to get up each day

Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine", how's your heart after breaking mine?

It's wonderful to see that you're okay

Everything revolves around you

Well, I thought you might be different than the rest, I guess you're all the same

'Cause I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand-new girl

I never got past what you put me through but it's wonderful to see that it never fazed you

WE WERE HAPPY

When it was good, baby, it was good

No one could touch the way we laughed in the dark 

Goodbye's so much harder 'cause we were happy 

I hate those voices telling me I'm not in love anymore 

THAT’S WHEN (FEAT. KEITH URBAN)

Need some space to think about all of this 

When can I come back? 

All this playing, did you ever think of me?

I'll be waiting at the front gate

I did you wrong, made mistakes and put you through all of this 

I'll come back

DON’T YOU

I knew I'd run into you somewhere 

It's been a while

I didn't mean to stare 

I'm sure she'll make you happy 

Don't smile at me and ask me how I've been

Don't say you've missed me if you don't want me again

You don't how much I feel I love you still 

Sometimes I really wish that I could hate you 

I swore I wouldn't do this

BYE BYE BABY

It wasn't just like a movie 

This is the last time I'll drive this way again 

I still love you but I can't 

I was so sure of everything we thought we'd always have

Seems like I'm becoming part of your past

There's so much that I can't touch

You're all I want but it's not enough this time

I can feel you like you're slipping through my hands 

I'm so scared of how this ends

I want you back but it's coming down to nothing