#I need to know who voices unconditionally supportive wig

[wifescissors]

I really can’t wait until The Family Business comes out in the US, it’s one of my favorite episodes and I need it in high def (and I want to support the show 😭😭)

[lareinenoir]

THE PURGE; Sanctuary C.E x black reader

PT III

60 Days Until The Purge

THEN...

"I'll order take out. I know you like Thai-"

"Don't order anything. I'm actually not even hungry." You said as he took your bag and put it on his shoulder. "What?" He was looking at you weird and it made you frown.

"Where's the rest of your stuff?"

"You asked me to stay the night. That is my overnight bag." You replied folding your arms and walking over to the couch. Your hand touched your forehead and you sighed. You could still feel him looking at you as you tried to relax with your head leaned back. "After I tell Shonda about our situation, you're signing the papers."

"What do you mean-"

"You know what I mean." You shot back

"Ok, well theirs a lot to consider now." He motioned to your stomach and you sat up straight. "We're having a baby, now."

"No no no." You shook your head feeling your petty insides bubble a bit in sarcasm. "I'm having a baby. Me. Just me.”

"Obviously I want to be apart of our baby's life." Chris argued back and you frowned and scoffed. He put your bag down and crossed his arms as you brushed it off. "You can't seriously think I won't. V that's insane."

"You wanna know what's insane? You think you're gonna get anywhere near it. Why in the hell would I allow you and your broken promises anywhere near my child? Do you think I'm stupid? To make the same mistake twice!"

"Again? V what do you want me to do?" He asks throwing his hands up. "Acting is what I do, that's my job-"

"I don't care about that. I'm not asking you to chose your job or me-"

"It damn well near sounds like it. I would never make you choose." He countered back and you gripped your fists together.

"You may not have said it directly, but there have been many times where you have indirectly patronized me. I just found out I'm pregnant and I have been trying so hard to deal with it." you replied watching him pace back and forth and shake his head. "I have been getting the worst headaches, I can't keep any food down and I literally get lightheaded on set every single day because hiding my pregnancy has been a real joy ride." You replied sarcastically with a small chuckle

"What do you want me to do? I tell you to tell the producers, you get mad. I tell you to take a break, you get mad. I tell you to come over and you’re mad.” Chris said in disbelief. “I don't know what you want from me." He shrugs brushing the hair from his eyes.

"Not once since you found out have you asked me how I'm doing? My whole career is at risk I could lose my job. And you don't even seem to care.” You said

"V, I do care." He reached for your shoulder and you took in another breath. "I want you to stop worrying all the time. And you're right, I should be concerned more about you. I should be there for you-I should've been there for you in the beginning.” He admitted and you folded your lips again.

Are For real this time? Should I let it go and move past it? Again? No because it'll start all over again.

"This baby is mine. This is a life changing thing that's happening, I can't let you ruin it too." You spoke

" I'm taking responsibility because this is something I want. Ok? Can't we find some common ground? You of all people should know what it's like to grow up without a father!"

"You know too!" You shouted back. Chris' dad had died when he was younger. He talked about him sometimes but not as much. "I'd rather have had my father six feet under then to have him choosing when it's convenient for him to show up!" You said with your foot down shaking your head.

"Forget the divorce. Me and you living here happily married for the years to come. Whats so bad about that? Why can't I have that? What's so wrong with the picture of two parents raising a child?" His voice was loud and he was getting frustrated. He didn't shout, but you could tell how passionate he was about it. He always wanted to be a daddy, a parent. "Huh?"

"It's not just about you!" You said stepping closer. "Because..." You shrugged feeling your eyes water as you suck in your cheeks. "I knew the kind of man I was marrying. So involved with his job it took him almost fifteen years to actually start dating. It's not about you or your career. This baby is all I have right now.”

He looked confused as he relaxed his brow and pinched the bridge of his nose. From two feet away you could feel his heartbeat and you felt a little bad for how foolish you probably looked. You still loved him, not like you ever stopped, but you remembered that you still loved him.

Because, it's not about me either anymore. You thought

"Forget the papers okay..." You said swallowing your own pride. "just forget it. You’re right. I want our child to have two parents who will love him unconditionally. But it has to stop, because it takes two. I can't have you with one foot in the door." You admitted

“Yeah yeah.” He nodded “yeah I get that. I’m not going anywhere.” Chris said and you walked forward and took his hand kissing his palm as you placed it on the side of your face. “I promise V.” He cups your face and stares into your eyes. His stubble poking at you a bit as you held his wrists.

“I love you.” You said with a small smile

“Still?” He laughed making you roll your eyes as you giggled a little. “I love you too. Are you sure you aren’t hungry?” He asks again

“Yes.” You nodded “now shut up and come take a nap with me.”

NOW....

CHRIS POV**

“Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!” I said throwing the phone on the couch. I had called five times and her phone went straight to voicemail.

“This is not a test, this is your Emergency Broadcast System. Announcing the commencement of the annual purge sanctioned by the U.S. Government. ALL Weapons have been authorized for use during the purge. Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime (including murder) will be legal for 121 days. Police, fire, and Emergency Medical services will be unavailable until December 15, 12:00 o’clock midnight, when the purge concludes. Blessed be our new founding fathers and America... A nation reborn. May God be with you all.”

My tv was replayed the message nine more times before shutting off. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Today is august 15, Vanessa’s birthday is tomorrow which was when she’d be 17 weeks. We had marked it on the calendar together. More than half my wife’s pregnancy would be spent during the purge. I needed to find her!

I didn’t support the purge. Something about killing people to be “cleansed” just didn’t sit right in my gut. It made my heart ache thinking about the clean up at the end. I could bring Dodger, but he can only do so much. Maybe he could help track her scent. Grabbing my coat I folded my lips together.

“Fuck!” I shout

With what weapon? How was I going to run the streets looking for my wife without a gun? I loved the idea of owning one, but Vanessa made me swear not to bring one in the house if she was there. So I just dropped the idea. Looking in the kitchen I grabbed one of the Chef knives off the rack. Maybe this would be enough for now...

“Damnit!” I curse looking at Dodger. “She said she was at Topanga Park. Start there?” I asked, as if he’d answer back. I grabbed her bonnet from off the bathroom door handle and stuffed it in my backpack.

I didn’t hesitate l. I locked up everything and jumped inside my truck. Dodger sat on the passenger side and I felt my hands start to shake as I put my foot on the gas. I started to promise god I would go to church if he would keep her safe.

“I don’t even know if you’re even listening or you even care. I love her, I’ve been such and idiot and I don’t wanna lose her.” I looked at Dodger and he was sitting up straight. “I remember you didn’t like her. You wouldn’t let her anywhere near me, you bark and squeeze yourself in between us when we sat down in the room to watch movies.” I chuckle wiping the little tear that slipped from my eye “You stole one of her wigs too.”

“WHAT THE FUCK!” she shouted chasing you around the house. “DODGER GIVE IT BACK! COME BACK!”

We chased him around the house and Dodger thought it was some sort of game. We had been officially dating for a month. I had started laughing when I caught him and held her headband wig in my hand. She stood their with her arms folded while I petted his head and she rolled her eyes.

"I told you he doesn't like me." She said as I stood up and she took the wig from my hand.

"Come on, he's just getting used to you."

"I've been over here every day. Your dog hates me."

"What?" I tilted my head to the side and touch her nose with my index finger. "Deal breaker? If my dog doesn't like my girlfriend, I'm gonna dump her? Tell me where that makes sense."

She walked closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist looking up at the ceiling as I kissed her neck. "I guess you have a point." Vanessa sighed.

"He's just warming up to you that's all."

"What's stopping me from breaking up with you?"

"Over a dog?"

"This is his third assault against me. First it was tearing up my purse, then chewing up my crocs, not to mention the little shit I found inside of them. And now stealing my wig and playing cat and mouse." Said Vanessa as I rested my head on top of hers. "Luckily this is a backup wig."

“Aren’t you wearing one right now?” I asked

“Headband wig. And that wig your dog has destroyed,” she gave him the side eye “it was my favorite and expensive.” She gritted her teeth

“I’ll buy you another one.” I offered

She purses her lips and shook her head. “I don’t want you buying me anything. I’ll just break up with you. For real this time.”

"Fine then..." I baited her shrugging my shoulders. "Break up with me."

“Over a dog?” She frowns mocking me as I smile down at her and her eyebrows bend downward a little as she caressed my face. Her finger was gentle and she stood on her top toes and kissed my lips. “Never.”

...

I look over at Dodger and pat his head. "We'll find her. I know we will." I say trying to lift my spirits.

When we arrived to Topanga Park, it was a sight. I didn't even want to leave the truck. I felt my heart race a little more. "What the hell..."

In the middle of traffic-in between the cars were bodies. Dodger started barking at the train of blood that stained the streets. It was empty, but I could feel a heavy weight on my back. Walking behind me, next to me...it was all around me. I hadn't realized I had my hand over my mouth an nose, it was hard for me to breath as the stench of dead bodies. Dodger kept barking and that led to me chasing after him. I had her bonnet in one hand and I called after him.

I came to a halt when I came face to face with another person. He had Dodger in his hands and I felt my muscle tense up. He was tall and very familiar looking. I swallowed the lump in my throat and held the kitchen knife in my hand with a firm grip.

"Captain America?"

I tilted my head sideways and licked my lower lip narrowing my brow a little. "Yeah, give me the dog and we can go our separate ways. Ok?"

He nodded his head. He ran his fingers through his hair and put the dog down. I wasn't really concerned about who he was I was trying to prepare for a fight. He dropped his gun on the ground and held up his his hand.

"I'm not going to kill you. I'm looking for my wife." He said "She left her watch in that building." He pointed to the school and slowly pulled the watch from his pocket.

"In there?" I asked

"Yeah." He nodded, but I still couldn't shake the feeling I knew him from somewhere. "My name is Jared. My wife's name is Gianne, I'm pretty sure she was with someone else-are you looking for someone too? Maybe we could help each other. There was something written on the chalkboard in there, I wasn't something Gia would write, but she was here. All I wanna do is find her-"

"Supernatural?" I asked turning my head to the side. Vanessa loved that show. Whenever she had spare time she would watch it or on those many night she'd spend the night at my house we would watch it-well not really watch it. The Netflix and 'chill' was emphasized. "You said something about some sort of message on the wall?" I asked motioning with my hand. "what did it say?"

"um, CE equals BE or something like that." He shrugged

I laughed a little. Vanessa Evans plus Chris Evans equals Baby Evans. It was a stupid joke-an Easter egg if you will. Shonda put in the show on the whiteboard in one of our love scenes as a way to announce our pregnancy to the audience. She often left clues to the next episode in every episode except this one was not only in the show but in real life.

"Chris Evans." I say extending my hand out to him. I'm pretty sure he knew by the little smile playing on his face. He shook my hand and nodded his head.

"I know. I'm a big marvel fan, I know all your lines." Jared chuckled and then cleared his throat as he nervously laughed. "Nice to meet you. I'm Jared Padalecki - I know I said that already..."

I introduced him to Dodger and I felt a little more relaxed. I gathered that she was alive and we both came to the assumption that they were traveling together.

"Where do you think their headed?" I asked as we walked to his car which was tricked out and full of ammunition and guns. Not to mention government level protective gear.

"While I was in there, I picked up someone else. Heavy footed and big, traveling with dogs. Hair everywhere." He went on tossing me a bullet proof vest. "You heard of Sanctuary?"

"The safety place? Yeah, but it's hard to find. It's for people who get caught in the Purge right?"

He narrowed his brow and shook his head. "No." Said Jared sharply. "Sanctuary is a secret government funded task force. It started off as a conspiracy some myth to explain all the random disappearances throughout the year. It's a government project designed for population control." He went on

"Ok...what does that have anything to do with the Purge?"

"Everything. An organization designed to control the US population. We're talking Pro killers who were once on a leash, but when that horn sounded and the Purge began, they are just as free to kill anyone they want." Said Jared handing me an ipad. It was a list of celebrities. From pro athletes like Steph Curry and their immediate families to movie stars and singers like Rhianna and Tom Cruise. "There are rumors that they are hunting celebrities. The kardashians and Jenner's are fair game. If not the stars themselves then they choose their parents, brothers and sisters."

"And do what?" I asked quietly as I saw mine and Vanesssa picture

"Most get auctioned off to the highest bidder, I've also heard they kill them on the spot for money or bring them in to fight for the death. Bottom line, there is a bounty on our heads. During the Purge everyone is fair game, their is no protection."

"You're telling me she's out there being hunted by them right now?" I asked

“Possibly. The dog hair isn’t a breed we know. They are a combination of hunting canines, bloodhound, foxhound, Labrador retriever with the built and aggression of a something like a pit bull a Rottweiler.” Said Jared as I looked up from the iPad and gave it back. “You’re gonna need more than a kitchen knife. We find the dogs and the hunter and we’ll find them.”

He held a gun out to me and wiped my mouth with the palm of my hand trying to mentally prepare for what is to come."

“Do you believe in the Purge?” I asked still questioning why his car was full of weapons. “You kill people?”

He nodded his head. “Yes. I don’t believe in hiding or waiting for someone to kill me. We all have the right to Purge."

"What's stopping you from killing me?"

Jared sighed and shook his head. "I'm hunting them. I'm surviving and if you decide to threaten my survival, then I'll kill you." He went over to the driver side of his Ford charger. "Get in. Knowing Gia she is headed for Roberts hole."

"What's that?" I asked climbing in the passenger seat of the car.

“It’s a Cassino for celebrities. Jack Black owns it. It’s locked up right but open to his favorites during the Purge.”

“They’ll be there?”

“Relax.” He out his hand in my shoulder and looked at me as dodger sat in the back seat. “We will find them. You know how to shoot don’t you?” Jared raised his gun in the air and nodded my head.

I guess it wasn’t confidently and he chuckled. “Vanessa isn’t a fan of guns.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll practice. Ok?”

.

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A/N: Sorry it took so long😬 don’t hate me, please. Lol, I hope everyone is doing well and safe out here. If you wanna be tagged leave it in the ask box, Anyways…Untill next time!

Tags!

@Tantricevans

@rosey1981

@toni9

@onceuponahuntersrealm

@pm-my-hubbies

@Cynthetic

@liqourlaughslove

@melaninfalconbucky

@omg-mymelaninisbeautiful

[lyranova]

Well, her request is somewhat... unorthodox. Basically, one where Natsu’s a closeted trans-woman, who Lucy decides to help live as a woman. She takes Natsu out to get a make over, and buy some new clothes.

Of course! I’m sorry this took so long and I hope you like it, I apologize if it isn’t accurate or if your friend doesn’t like it. If i need to i can edit or change or delete this if your friend finds it inaccurate or anything ok? Also thank you and your friend so much for answering my questions ☺️! But I hope everyone enjoys! (Also pronouns change in this fic from ‘he/him’ to ‘she/her’ in case you guys get confused!)

Word Count: 1,827

Warnings: None

———-

Lucy was very happy today, she had just finished a mission all by herself and had earned enough money not only for her rent, but also for shopping! She hurried to Natsu’s home, she couldn’t wait to tell him the news and she would maybe treat him to some dinner if she had extra money left over. She couldn’t stop the warm smile from gracing her features as she came upon his small cottage, even though she had been here many times before it still always managed to bring a smile to her face. As Lucy came upon his door she just pushed it open, not bothering to knock, she assumed Natsu wouldn’t mind.

“ Hey Natsu guess what?!” She shouted as she entered his home, he wasn’t in the living room like usual, so she went towards his bedroom since that was the only other place he could be. She walked towards his bedroom and, without thinking, she pushed his door open.

“ No wait Lucy-!” She heard Natsu shout but it was too late, she froze in his bedroom doorway, unsure of what to say.

Natsu was dressed in a loose knee length dress, a pair of black sandals. His hair was long and wavy, almost like what Lucy would assume a princesses hair to look like. She saw Natsu’s eyes widen, in both shock and fear.

“ N-Natsu…” That was all Lucy could say at the moment, she was trying to wrap her head around what she was seeing. She was in shock. Natsu turned red and quickly faced away from her.

“ You weren’t supposed to see me like this, not yet anyway.” She muttered softly, her eyes staying on the floor. Natsu hadn’t come out to anyone yet about being transgender, the only one that knew so far was Happy, and he hadn’t told anyone. Natsu couldn’t look Lucy in the eye, she didn’t want to see the disgust that Natsu assumed would be on Lucy’s face.

“ Natsu...what’s going on?” Lucy asked softly as she stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. Natsu sighed before walking over to her bed and sitting down. She kept her eyes on the floor even as Lucy walked over.

“ I...I’m transgender Lucy, I have been for a while.” She spoke softly, Lucy had never heard her like this before. Lucy crouched down in front of Natsu.

“ Why didn’t you say anything?” She asked, she thought she was Natsu’s best friend, that she would tell her anything. Lucy was admittedly hurt that Natsu felt like she couldn’t trust her with this. Natsu began to pick at a loose thread on her dress.

“ I was scared, I was scared you would judge me, you would hate me even. I just...I just didn’t know how to tell you Lucy. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you.” Natsu told her softly. They sat there in silence, both trying to take in the information, it was mostly Lucy trying to process all of the information.

“ So, you were born in the wrong body?” Lucy asked, hoping not to offend her, she knew what transgender was but didn’t have much information on it.

“ Yeah, I always felt like there was something about me that wasn’t..right. Like, I never felt comfortable in my own skin, whenever you guys call me ‘he’ or ‘him’ it never really felt right it always felt like you were talking to someone else. I had never even considered that I was maybe not who I was supposed to be, until I decided to write a journal, like you do. Then it all made sense; all the things I was feeling, all the reasons why I was never fully happy with myself, it was because I wasn’t born in the right body.” She explained softly, still not looking at Lucy.

Lucy patiently listened, and she couldn’t help but wonder why she never noticed how unhappy she was. Natsu always had a bright, cheerful smile on her face, she always encouraged everyone and tried to make them feel special. But Lucy never did that for her in return, and she was so angry at herself, how could she call herself Natsu’s best friend if she didn’t notice how she felt? Lucy moved closer to Natsu and, to Natsu’s surprise, she pulled her into her arms and held her close.

“ It’s ok Natsu, I would never hate you! I care about you so much and all I want is for you to be happy, and if transitioning is what makes you happy and makes you love yourself, then I support you 100%!” Lucy told her as she held Natsu close, Natsu looked up at her with wide, hopeful eyes.

“ Really? Y-You don’t find this-?” Lucy shook her head and quickly cut her off.

“ Not at all. It was a little shocking at first, but the more I looked at you and seen how happy you are, the more I realized you’re actually being you instead of pretending to be something you’re not.” Lucy placed a small kiss on Natsu’s cheek, causing her to blush, before she wrapped her arms around Lucy and hugged her back.

“ Now,” Lucy started after they sat like that for a moment, just holding each other. “ let’s fix your hair and clothes.” She added as she pulled away, Natsu’s dress was a little ill fitting, his shoes too small, and his wig wasn’t put on properly.

“ Fix my-?” Lucy suddenly pulled her up and walked her over to the mirror in Natsu’s bedroom, she placed her in front of it before looking around.

“ Do you have any other dresses here?” Lucy asked before walking over to her closet to see if she had something that would fit a little better before seeing Natsu shake her head.

“ No, this is all I have.” Natsu told her softly, she whipped around to face the blushing dragon slayer, that was all she had? One dress, one wig, and one pair of shoes?! Nuh-uh, that wasn’t going to fly with Lucy.

“ Alright new plan! We’re going shopping!” Lucy declared with a firm nod before walking back over to Natsu and trying to fix her dress and wig.

“ S-Shopping? But Lucy I don’t think-.” Natsu started to argue but she watched the blonde shake her head in the mirror.

“ Yes you can! If anyone tries to say anything about you, or tries to call you names or anything like that then don't worry! Cause I’ll be there to kick their butts, even though I know you’ll be able to handle them yourself.” Lucy said with a soft smile, she watched as the pink haired woman smiled back. Between the two of them, no one would ever get away with making rude comments about Natsu.

“ Now, we’re going to buy a better fitting dress and some new shoes. Even replace this wig.” Lucy said and she watched Natsu shake her head quickly.

“ No. we’re not replacing the wig.” Natsu said defensively, causing Lucy to frown.

“ Why not? It’s kinda old and you could use a new one-.” Lucy started but was cut off.

“ I said no and that’s final! We can buy another wig or two for me to have but we are not replacing this one!” Natsu told her in a slightly raised voice, Lucy blinked before she realized why she was so protective of the wig.

It was special, it helped her become her true self, it helped her realize just how beautiful she was, the wig was a key part to all of this. Lucy nodded before standing on her toes and fixing the wig properly.

“ Ok. We won’t replace it. C’mon let’s go!” Lucy shouted, grabbing Natsu’s hand after fixing her wig, and dragging her outside so they could go shopping.

They were out for hours, they had gone to three different stores and bought a lot of new clothes and shoes and wigs for Natsu to have. Lucy even bought her some make up in case she wanted it. She was going to use most of the money she had gotten from that job on clothes for her, but Natsu needed them more, and honestly, she was having too much fun giving her a makeover!

“ Ok, so after we go to this shoe store we’re going to stop for some lunch-.” Natsu didn’t hear the rest of what Lucy was saying, this entire time she had thought Lucy would hate her, be disgusted with her, and never even speak to her again. But she didn’t. Instead, she took her shopping, fixed her clothes, accepted her, and loved her unconditionally. Natsu wondered if the others would be as accepting as Lucy, if they would all still love her unconditionally. She knew a lot of them would have a hard time adjusting to the news, but if Lucy was there, then she would be ok.

“ Also, have you chosen a new name yet? I was thinking about maybe going by the bookstore and finding a book full of names, hey, are you ok?” Lucy asked in concern as Natsu just stared at her. Lucy gasped in surprise as she was suddenly wrapped up in a hug and she could feel tears hit her bare shoulders.

“ Thank you, thank you for accepting me. For loving me. For making me feel like I can tell everyone and anyone, for helping me become who I really am. You’re my very best friend and I love you so much.” Natsu cried before placing a gentle kiss on Lucy’s cheek, causing her to blush. But she wrapped her arms around her and hugged her tightly.

“ I love you too, no matter what. I’ll always be your best friend and I’m always here for you. I can’t promise there won’t be days where I won’t slip up and accidentally call you the wrong pronoun, or the wrong name, and I apologize in advance for that. Just be patient with me, because I will learn.” Lucy spoke softly as her chin rested on Natsu’s shoulder. She could feel her nod.

“ I will. I promise. Oh, and as far as a name, I kinda already picked one.” Natsu said with a small laugh as they pulled away.

“ What is it?” Lucy asked curiously, she saw Natsu’s smile become the brightest it had been since she walked in on him.

“ Tana. My name’s Tana.” Natsu, now Tana, announced. Lucy played the name over and over in her head, and even said it a couple of times to see how it sounded, before she nodded and a bright smile was also on her face. Tana’s smile was always contagious, that was one of the many things she loved about her.

“ It’s nice to finally meet you, Tana.”

——

I hope you guys enjoyed this and i’m sorry if it isn’t very good! But thanks for reading and I hope you have a good day~!

[asarahworld-writes]

A ZOMBIES Christmas Epilogue

Walking around Zombietown, the couple ended up at a snow-covered outdoor Light Garden.

“It’s so beautiful here.”  Addison walked around, the awe in her voice reflected in her eyes.

“Yeah, it is,” Zed agreed, his eyes not leaving Addison as she took in the lights.  A zombie Light Garden was a stark contrast to the lights that the humans normally put up this time of year, but it was apparent that Addison preferred the ones in Zombietown.  The white lights cast just enough light to illuminate the sparkling snow and watching Addison take it all in was the most beautiful thing that Zed had ever seen.

Zed didn’t know how long they stayed in the Light Garden before Addison ‘wanted’ to go home.  There was a look in her eye that said she could stay there forever, but Zed could tell that she was ready to face her parents.  The walk back to the human part of town seemed to take no time at all and before he knew it, they were at the Wells’ front door.

As Zed reached for the door handle, Addison hesitated.

“We can go back to Zombietown,” Zed started, but Addison shook her head.

“I have to come back eventually.”

“I’ll go in with you.  After all, it was both of us that your family was, well, whatever you want to call it.”

Addison rolled her eyes.  “Zed, I dragged you into this.  I literally said I wanted you there to distract them from my hair, remember?  Besides, everybody has probably gone home.  It was just dinner.”

“Whatever you want, zreeka.”

Addison smiled at the endearment, squeezing Zed’s hand.  “Gar-gargiza, Zedka.”

“Gar-gargiza, Addiska.” He pulled her into an embrace, holding her close.  Addison pressed her face into his chest, allowing the steadiness of his breathing to fill her with serenity.  

After several minutes, Addison stepped back.  “You really should go home. They may have repealed the anti-monster laws, but I don’t want them to find any reason to give you trouble.”

Zed nodded.  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Addy.”

Addison stood in front of the door, watching until Zed disappeared.  Only once she had lost sight of him did she unlock the door and enter the house.

As she had expected, her parents were waiting.

“Where have you been?”  Her mother asked immediately, rubber gloves on and scrub brush in hand, though by the looks of things the dishes sitting in the dish rack were nearly dried.

“Addison, your mother and I have been worried since you disappeared,” her father added disapprovingly.

“You couldn’t have at least called to let us know you were all right?”

Ignoring her parents’ questions, Addison asked one of her own.  “Everybody went home, then?  Brandon went back to New York, since you didn’t ask about my cousin, who also disappeared last night.  And Zed’s on his way home right now.”

“Of course everyone went home, Addison.  They were only here for dinner. Nobody was expecting you to take off like that,” Missy said primly.

“Now where were you last night, Addison?”  Dale looked at his daughter, the look on his face leading her to believe that he knew exactly where she had spent the night.

“On the Necrodopolis’ couch.”  It wasn’t a lie.  There was, however, a glaring omission that there had been a whole other person lying between her and the couch.  Her mother’s mouth thinned, as if she could hear the omitted truth.

“Why?”

Because she hadn’t wanted to come back and face her judgmental family, with or without her boyfriend.  Because she hadn’t wanted to give them another chance to insult him.  To degrade him.  Because she needed to escape her parents’ perfect little world, a perfect little world that only existed in their heads.  Because his family loved and accepted her for who she was and as his girlfriend.

“Zed loves me.  As I am.  He thought I was beautiful the first time he saw my real hair.  He only came last night so that I would have one person at that dinner table who was on my side, who supported me, who loved me unconditionally.  And when we went ho-, back to Zombietown, it felt safer to just stay there and not make the walk here again so late.”  Again, it wasn’t a complete lie.  There were just a few omissions that Addison did not need or want to tell her parents.

“Addison, of course we love you,” her father said, but the words felt hollow.

“I know you do, Dad.  I know you both love me – on the condition that I keep my wig on and keep up all appearances of being normal.  But we’re not normal.  None of us are.  My hair is inexplicably white. You and Mom want to suppress anything that doesn’t conform to ‘normal’.  My boyfriend is a zombie.  My friends are zombies. And my human friends?  None of us are the same.  How much is it going to take until we’re all carbon copies of each other?  Because that seems like the only thing that could make you happy.”

Years and years of frustrations were pouring out.

“I’m going to bed.”  Addison left the kitchen, ignoring anything that her parents might have been saying as she turned and walked away. Tomorrow, she would go back to Zombietown and spend the day with the people who were willing to understand her.  To accept her for who she was.  To love her as she was.  Unconditionally.

Notes: So the way that Zed said that “it’s a zombie light garden” always implied that there was more than one in Zombietown.  To me, anyway.

@unusual-ly  for the Zombietongue :)  zreeka = sweetheart

[elle-eedee]

dcom daddies: ranked

whats up sluts i’m here to give you the content you did NOT know you needed: a foolproof algorithmic ranking of a mild selection of disney channel dads!

beast (descendants)

hotness scale: extremely tall (over a foot taller than me! this is Very Important to the scale) and he seems to be a mere thread’s width away from Unhinged at all times, which i love. i also think it’s very sexy of him to still have such a monstrous way about himself (what with the roaring and the growling) 20something years post-curse.... makes me wonder very vividly if such energies carry to the b*droom........ *clears throat* 10/10

quality of character scale: it eternally amuses me that beast seems to learn almost Nothing over the course of this trilogy. he’s literally pro-isle the ENTIRE time jsjdndjdjd..... not great considering it puts him directly at odds with his son (and, like, with social progress) but he Does seem to act the way he does with the kingdom’s safety in mind! plus when he’s not accidentally supporting magical fascism he’s super dorky. i love his goofy dance moves 7.5/10

total score: 17.5/20...... with this score alone you can tell this system isnt rigged bc if i had it my way he’d be winning

hades (descendants)

hotness scale: i hate his party city clown wig but i’m a total sucker for guys in makeup (EVEN THOUGH A DECENT SHADE OF LIPSTICK WOULD HAVE BROUGHT HIS ENSEMBLE TOGETHER. WHY DID THEY PROPOSE IT ON THE CHARACTER DESIGN WALL IF THEY WERENT GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH!!!) and i think the fact that hes Very Sleepy and doesnt own a dog makes him my dream guy 9.5/10

quality of character scale: he literally sings a song about how cool he thinks it is that he’s a shitty dad............ but he DOES come through when his kid needs him, so that’s nice i guess. i would have liked to see more of him but i’ll settle for reading and writing intricate fan works that delve into a hypothetical personality for him that’s mainly conjecture 7.25/10

total score: 16.75/20 i wanna see him in some preppy auradon clothes

jafar (descendants)

hotness scale: i wish i had nicer things to say about this man. he just....... bears so little resemblance to the original jafar it makes me :( maybe if he was more gangly, or if he carried himself w the same potent gay energy that og jafar has? itd also help it he wasnt a racist caricature. 4.5/10

quality of character scale: again, very much a racist caricature. jafar doesnt steal!!! why would This be what he chose to do with himself! but he does seem to be, perhaps, the least bad of the core four’s parents, which counts for something i suppose. 3/10

total score: 7.5/20 sorry bud

dr facilier (descendants)

hotness scale: listen. it’s dr facilier. what am i supposed to do, NOT give him a perfect score on the sexy scale? 10/10

quality of character scale: he just loves his daughter and wants to make sure she’s getting what’s hers!!!!! his dynamic with celia makes me really happy they seem so fun! though i guess you could argue it sucks that he’d send his darling babey dohter to do errands for big mean scary hades considering that Everyone on the isle seems to quake at the sight of him. but im sure facilier only does that to ensure that celia can hold her own! 8/10

total score: 18/20 and it’d probably be higher if we’d seen more of him

mr smee (descendants)

hotness scale: not only does this man fuck, judging by the ages of his kids he fucked RECENTLY. get it baby live your truth 7/10

quality of character scale: he seems to be SO kind and sweet to his baby sons..... holding their little hands and such!!! and judging by how nervous the kids are i’d imagine it was primarily smee’s idea for them to go to auradon. extremely noble sacrifice for their benefit even though he’ll miss them 10/10!!!!!

total score: 17/20 i want to kiss his hand, if he’ll have me

zevon necrodopolous (zombies)

hotness scale: every time i look at this man i think of this post. he’s the perfect amount of frumpy for my tastes and his voice is so unique!!!!! i’d let his z-band malfunction so he could *** ** ***** * ******* **** 9/10

quality of character scale: really really cares about his kids and wants them to be safe!! he raises his voice once which im not a huge fan of but i suppose it was justified given the circumstances. also that shot of him goofing about with d*le in the end scene shows remarkable capacity for forgiveness after decades of trauma and discrimination! what a guy. 9/10

total score: 18/20 an absolute dilf!!!!!

dale (zombies)

hotness scale: looks like an uncrustable. 0/10

quality of character scale: a fucking cop. die bitch! 0/10

total score: 0/20 get in since you wanna act clown

coach jack bolton (high school musical)

hotness scale: honestly pretty young for my tastes. and i literally Always swipe left on athletes, so..... fine looking, but not for me. 5/10

quality of character scale: obviously he grows as the series progresses but i feel like jack is Always in the way of troy getting what he wants, which sucks. i like that he’s kinda goofy on his off hours with his family exactly as much as i Hate how much he yells when hes on the job. i do wish we lived in the timeline where he and miss darbus actually had that duet about their disagreements, though. 5/10

total score: 10/20 truly an Average dcom daddy

vance evans (high school musical)

hotness scale: due to personal reasons i will be having bad taste. however, this man’s fashion sense in IMPECCABLE. i mean, the colors??? the unbuttoned collar???? come on now. there is also the gratuitous use of the d-word to consider......................... anyways 7.5/10

quality of character scale: it’s hard to tell how much of his interest in furthering troy’s career is out of sincerity and how much of it is sharpay nudging him. but either way the result is a man who supports his daughter unconditionally! he could be nicer to ryan, though (plus he’s an evil capitalist) 6/10

total score: 13.5/20 i feel like he and fulton have had Relations

mr gifford (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: listen, i’m a simple guy. i see a basic-looking man pursuing age gap romance in the midst of a mid-life crisis, i support him unconditionally. also i am just Really vibing with that oversized denim shirt on him!!! there’s an egregious amount of arm hair poking out that just works. good for him! and this is a small moment but i’m very flustered over his natural Touchy Feely instinct after wen pokes out his eye... however: man has no eyebrows. 8.5/10

quality of character scale: i’m not a child of divorce so i don’t know how this stuff works, but i feel like he springs a lot of major decisions on wen? not ideal. on the other hand, we DO stan that he has sydney move in before they’re married. this is not a christian home!!!! 6/10

total score: 14.5/20 probably my favorite lemonade mouth dad, but mostly because he’s like the only one paid any attention by the narrative

mr banjaree (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: men really have beautifully sculpted noses and we just let them, huh. i’m definitely overusing the word Handsome in this list, but in this case? i’m justified. mr banjaree’s beard suits him SO well and his hair looks so soft...... and we love the implicit cleanliness of a man who wears socks in the house! 8/10

quality of character scale: i super SUPER dont agree with this man’s Smothering-Adjacent Methods (and also i know firsthand that strict parentage just drives kids to be more rebellious, lmao) but all things considered he really just wants the best for his family PLUS he’s willing to meet mo halfway at the end! :’) 6/10

total score: 14/20 the way i feel about him is the way i feel when i get crushes on pastors in that You Are Complicit In My Trauma But We’re Gonna Kiss About It way

mr delgado (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: OOOOH GLASSES! 5/10

quality of character scale: it’s sort of implied that the Wacko Energies of charlie’s family are mostly the fault of his mom so it’s cool of this man to distance himself from that. he is, of course, still complicit in Whatever The Hell Her Deal Is unless he is constantly fighting with her offscreen 6/10

total score: 11/20 would have loved to see more of him

mr yamada (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: another chapter in the saga of unbuttoned collars! doesn’t get a lot of opportunities to show off his strengths but i appreciate that he is not the thinnest dad in town 6.5/10

quality of character scale: WOW fuck this guy. very dismissive of stella’s aspirations!!!!! i don’t like that he feels the need to talk Over her to her mom when he’s asking about her vegetarianism. dude she is right there.... however it’s a lil touching when he holds her guitar up at the end, so... 4/10?

total score: 10.5/20 *thinks about his slightly protruding tummy in his last scene* *thinks about his slightly protruding tummy in his last scene* *thi

bob duncan (good luck charlie: it’s christmas!)

hotness scale: in keeping this Specific to the feature-length xmas special, i will say that bob duncan is QUITE handsome! disappointed that he was wearing a shirt in the scene at the pool.... ill bet if this movie came out post-workout/makeover he’d have been shirtless >:/ i feel robbed... spare tummy, sir? spare tummy? additionally i love a man who rolls up his sleeves AND a man who stans kaiju movies!! also i love that he, quite literally, canonically fucks 8.5/10

quality of character scale: he’s about as charmingly incompetent as he is in the show, but the difference here is that he literally did not do a damn thing wrong! all he wanted to do was be civil with his inlaws and he frankly deserves MUCH better. its clear from his banter with the kids that he loves them very much (also i love how frequently he feels the need to jump/dive for things in this movie. silly slapstick icon) 8.75/10

total score: 17.25/20 this man’s mere presence oozes nostalgia

jerry russo (wizards of waverly place: the movie)

hotness scale: this man was MADE for me. the bottomless collection of hawaiian shirts....... the TWO tummy out scenes..........the fucked up evil thing his voice does when the kids try to steal the spellbook!!! he really has it all. also i love that he is truly just trying to have some beach intercourse 9/10

quality of character scale: i love that even when he doesn’t remember the kids he still maintains a little dadly rapport with them? the instincts...... it’s also incredibly good of him to relive his decision to give up his magic without hesitation once he realizes the severity of the situation :’0 10/10

total score: 19/20 i’ve never seen an episode of the show but im really about to start

neil morris (dadnapped)

hotness scale: handsome....... mr morris makes me feel simultaneously like a sapiosexual AND a morosexual because although he completed enough schooling to become a dentist, he also threw it away for a writing career like an absolute champ. also i find it unbelievably charming how Along For The Ride he is about the idea of being kidnapped. a man after my own heart 8.25/10

quality of character scale: this is a tricky one...... neil DOES show active concern for his daughter’s safety when push comes to shove, but he also has my least favorite type of redemption arc: “you THOUGHT i was neglecting you, but actually i was thinking about you the whole time and just never expressed it! we good?” so like. bleh. but he’s pretty mild mannered which i deeply appreciate in a man! 6.5/10

total score: 14.75/20 maybe talk to your daughter instead of writing a macgyver ripoff, dumbass

major joe mason (princess protection program)

hotness scale: prime dad bod, very believable for his line of work. also he has such a Gentle Way about himself when he’s around princesses....... i love all the hand holding when he’s escorting rosie. absolutely my type 8.75/10

quality of character scale: gosh.... where do i even BEGIN!!! his whole dynamic with carter is so ideal... i was apprehensive at first because his job would require him to be Absent a lot of the time, but upon reflection it’s clear that he’s raised carter well enough that he can totally trust her to be on her own, and also she’s only sad to see him go because she sincerely enjoys his company. everything about his profession is so noble and i love the way he can carry himself as casually or as politely as a given situation calls for. worst thing he does is say “i might have to stop calling you ‘pal’” because his daughter is wearing a pretty dress. i wish he was my dad but i’ll settle for him being my husband 9.75/10

total score: 18.5/20 i almost made a ppp self insert this morning specifically for Him

ted thompson (zapped)

hotness scale: athletes arent sexy!! this guy’s face screams The Only Websites I Know How To Use Are Facebook And Reddit and also he’s a dog person BUT he is sporting quite the tumbey if i do say so myself and for that i shall let him live. 4/10

quality of character scale: ok i know the whole point of this movie is Boys Bad but i hate men who are loud and i hate dads who get Weird about the inherent femininity of their daughters. when he calls zoey “sport” and then cringes like he’s made a mistake? dumb and unnecessary. HOWEVER all of his efforts to bond with zoey are really really sincere. like when he fixes her music box? that has NOTHING to do with the app he just Does It!!!! the movey mightve rubbed off on me a little too much but there are multiple ways to show love and just bc im not used to his way doesnt mean it has no worth! 6/10

total score: 10/20 mr thompson sir im sorry i doubted you at the start of the film

rob adams (radio rebel)

hotness scale: this man dresses 5-10 years younger than he looks and i respect that for him. but i was expecting him to be a bit more of a slimeball considering how tara talks about him in the opening scene... and you guys know how much i love slimeballs. regardless, pretty handsome! 6.5/10

quality of character scale: it’s nice that he goes to such a Public and Corporate effort to connect to his stepdaughter! even if it’s in a way that financially benefits him, it’s pretty clear that he cares about this family and wants to do right by them. nothing exceptional, though 7/10

total score: 13.5/20 i GUESS i’d be down to smash if he asked

ralph bartlett (read it and weep)

hotness scale: ok i was gonna say something mean about the fact that he’s balding but honestly he has really nice arms........ in addition he’s really quirky and optimistic which i am going to admire into my grave!! when he gets excited about having customers during the finale his voice quirks with an almost charlie day-esque charm. handsome. ALSO he calls jamie “princess” which is!!!!!!! something 7.5/10

quality of character scale: the way ralph parents his kids is Very 2000s in that he kinda babies his daughter but gets to pal around with his son, but i guess both dynamics come from a place of love and he could be doing much worse. plus he’s an honest hardworking small business owner! i support him 7/10

total score: 14.5/20 i would definitely go out for pizza with him

dr james hartley (how to build a better boy)

hotness scale: THIS. THIS IS WHAT DCOM DADDIES ARE ALL ABOUT. gosh..... this is truly the Most dad ive ever seen in my life. i love how his hair is always mussed..... how he’s so Desperate to relax that he falls asleep after Fifteen Seconds of smooth jazz..... and also. like. hes a scientist?? hello??? pretty sexy of him. i want to give this man the relaxation he deserves 10/10

quality of character scale: ok so,,,...,, kinda fucked up that he lied to his whole family (with the possible exception of his wife—sidenote, WHY did they make dr hartley married? his wife never comes up except when bart says she’s out of town. let him be single so i can slide into those dms) and EXTRA kinda fucked up that he works for the government? what a scab. BUT it’s very very clear that he cares about his kids (and gabby) and prioritizes their safety above all else! also, did you SEE how happy he was when mae won homecoming queen....... he loves her so so so much! :’0 8.5/10

total score: 18.5/20 i thirst tweeted about this man and roger bart replied ‘Aw, thanks!’ so i dont know where to go from here

[simplelittlebrowngirljae]

The things I wish I knew as I prepared to graduate...

Today I was in a random mood to listen to Kanye West’s “College Dropout” Album. Well, as I was listening a wealth of emotions came over me and I began to cry. Some were tears of joy, others were tears of genuine sadness.  Joy because I am here and made it through some rough times in school and sadness because I am enduring some of the roughest moments in my life and those who I thought were on my team aren’t and that is a hard pill to swallow.  Furthermore, this post seems fitting because it’s graduation season and many students at Colleges and Universities all over the country are preparing to enter into the next phase of their lives. 

You see, it has been 11 years since I sat in that chair listening to then Governor Tim Kaine give our commencement address. I wasn’t really paying attention but all I could think was “wow, this is like the best day of my life!” Welp, let me tell you something friends, it is NOT the best moment of your life. See I wish that my senior year someone would have told me some of the things that I spend my 20s learning. Here are a few of those things:

 1. It is not indeed the best day of your life. Your life is in fact made up of a series of moments that are awesome and hence make up a sum whole of your best life. The day you sit at your commencement, listening to some big wig speaker tell you to reach for your goals and congrats on all your hard work and now you are ready to go and change the world, is only step one of many to your best life. This leads me to my next point.

2. It is going to get incredibly harder before your feel like you are stable and enjoying the greatest moments in life. You will face financial difficulty, relationship issues, and conflicts on your job, heartache, pain and maybe even some health issues. And these hard moments may last for YEARS and make you feel like why am I even trying??? Why is my life this hard? Why did I even go down the path I went just to struggle and be unhappy? I will tell you why: Your strife within your journey is what builds your character and shapes your path into the person you will become. So instead of cussing yourself during these moments, be grateful for them as they help you figure out life.

3. Don’t compare your spot in life to others around you. See, when I graduated college all of my college girlfriends had had relationships and were moving toward the next logical step: marriage. Within a few years of graduating I had been to my fair share of weddings and was really wondering why it wasn’t my turn and where my good relationships were? I was also wondering why I didn’t have a baby yet either. While yes eventually I did get married, it was not the best situation and I ended up getting divorced, it took me 10 years to really learn that when you walk in your purpose and truly love yourself and what you are doing, it does not matter that you aren’t doing what others are doing. You see, that is because you have focused your energy on you that you are too busy to put yourself down. And when others seeing you glowing in your purpose, they don’t compare you either and celebrate your gifts and talents. Remember: comparison only breeds anxiety and discontent.

4.  Do things for you and you only. For years I did things to please my family members and never got any type of acknowledgement or congratulations. And I had just accepted that this was life. However, as I got older I realized that this was toxic to who I was as a person. If you are not doing things for your personal growth and satisfaction, then it is not worth your weight in gold. Your goals should be just that: yours. That is one of the only ways for you to care for yourself and ensure that you are tracking for your own growth and development. The other aspect that makes doing things to please others toxic is that you run yourself ragged and don’t ever take time to refill your bucket and you lose the sense of who you are. The sooner you wake up and live for yourself, the sooner you are able to walk in your purpose and find that inner joy that often gets lost. I made A LOT of choices and decisions because I feared how my family would respond. But now at this phase in my life where those folks are not as supportive when I need them the most and when things are not going the way I had envisioned, it makes me realize how the scales  are certainly one sided and it has put me in a bad spot. So moral of the story, don’t pour out everything in your bucket to satisfy someone else because when you need your bucket filled you will go empty.

5. Don’t get upset when the plan you thought you had for your life goes awry. I thought I would be married with like 5 kids and house by now. I am nowhere near close to that dream. Life took me down a different pathway and I have had to realize that there is a purpose in this. You may not always see why things are the way they are, but that is the glory in taking things as they come and really relying on passing go and collecting $200 all the time. It’s okay to not know all the answers. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to take a break and just breathe so that you can assess a situation and see what you need to do in order to make it to the next level. I am currently in the battle of a lifetime with chronic illness and at first I did not know why I had to be the one to deal with all of this, but as time had droned on, I am realizing my purpose and potential. It honestly took me getting sick to be able to slow down, use my own voice and talents and invest back into the most important person I know: me!

6. Many of your best and strongest relationships are made in college and will follow you as you grow. That friend that held your hair while you vomited, they will still hold you down. Those folks who you stayed up all night with cramming, they will always hold a special place in your life. Within that same breath, it is important to know that as you get older your relationships change and priorities change and those who you thought were close to you will no longer be as close to you. And that is okay. You have to learn to not harbor ill feelings towards those folks and put that energy into other things.  If you truly want to know who I riding for you, get sick, have a kid, get divorced, or go through tough financial times. Those folks who stand by you are the ones who love you unconditionally.

7. Always use your voice. No matter what, you have a voice and it matters. Often times, we suppress our opinions and thoughts in order to flow in the status quo. But when you do that, you are doing more harm than good. Society tells us that you have conform and fit in certain boxes when the reality is that you cannot function that way. Be yourself and think for yourself. If you disagree say so. We are all entitle to our own opinions. Furthermore, the reality also lies within the fact that when many of us are in romantic relationships, in order to maintain peace, we bite our tongues. But when you continually do this then it becomes the rule and then you lose who you are and thus you are not happy. This is not the model for a healthy relationship. There should be a safe space for both parties to effectively communicate and hear where each other is coming from, as well as respect the other person. The same goes for in the workplace or any other situation.

8. You are a uniquely wonderful being. There will be people, including those who are close to you, who will try to tell you that you are unworthy and that you are not successful. But that is not true. You alone are enough. You are amazing and beautiful and talented. You have accomplished so much in life and this is the first step to experiencing the moments that will build your best life.

9. Keep your mentors. Having mentors who are wise in many different things has taught me so many different things and these women have helped to open my eyes to things I have never thought of before.  They are also a voice of reason when I feel out of control and as I grow, they help me navigate the uncertain moments and rough terrain. That alone is worth more than gold. And the relationships aren’t one sided. I shed light on things for them and we just all grow together as they change in their lives too. The circle of life is really amazing!!!

10. Set boundaries. In today’s world, so many folks will try to take everything out of you and will attempt to project their foolishness back onto you. However you have to set boundaries in order to make sure you are able to preserve mental and physical health. As I mentioned before, you can’t pour from an empty bucket. You must do what you need to do in order to care for yourself. And know that self-care is not just vacations and spa days, but really stopping and doing things that bring you joy and make you feel at peace. That is what self-care is about.

 See, if someone had said these things to me 11 years ago, I may have taken a few different turns. I would not have been so hard on myself. I would not have placed value on my parents or society’s opinions and validation. Life is not easy so why not. So before you begin to measure you success to someone else’s or feel you need to be somewhere or have achieved something because someone told you you had to, rethink that. The ultimate goal to me in life is to feel joy, not just happiness. And joy is something only you can bring yourself and in order to that you must take inventory of yourself and assess where you can improve and put one little piece into play at a time. Give yourself grace and permission to stumble and redirect. You are human and will need some moments to get it together.

So remember, your life is just that: yours. And in case nobody ever tells you: I am proud of you, you are amazing and you are succeeding!!!

[aliyawyg20]

prompt 30, the finale:

because I love me, or if I could see me the way love sees me...

the way I unconditionally loved my cat or fell in love with the love my parents had for each other (#kandrewforlife) or the way I am loving my grandmother so fiercely to make up for lost years, if I could love myself in all these ways, I would gift myself everything. i would buy myself glitter pens and everything on my amazon wishlist or waned wishlist or etsy wishlist, just because i wanted me to have it, even if i would put it all down for a while. i would dye my hair white or get myself a white wig. i would get all the tattoos i dream of having. i would practice winged eye liner and see all the shapes my face can make and not learn to only know this one. i would take my body out of this moldy home and live with a garden and courtyard and pool and plants. i would get a new pillow so my neck wouldn't hurt, and change my sheets to something pretty and loving and soft. i would adopt an animal, maybe become codependent together. i would work on my dreams. i would live my dreams coming true. i would call my friend who i have wanted to call for so long and thank another friend for being in my life since we were two years old and even visit her in europe, where she lives. i would wash my face daily. i would order flower child every day without a care. i would get a vespa to ride away on or even a car to blast music the way we used to when we would go driving to the shore or school. i would invite my dad to come comfort me right now. i would cry in public with no shame. i would tell my heroes i love them. i would take pictures with my friends and have my friends take pictures of me. i wish my friends and family would want to take pictures of me. i would be my own muse. i would say "it's ok that you post on instagram one night begging for support and then want to avoid it fully the next day." i would continue to learn to drive so i could drive myself to the cows or for ice cream or for whatever, wherever, whenever. i would take myself on the road tripand listen to the entire beatles discography, front to back, start to finish. i would buy a new computer to have garageband and make music. i would get a singing coach and guitar and guitar teacher. i would hold myself. i would get a cuddle pillow to hold when i cry because my stuffed animals are very small and hard to hold. i would reach out first to the people i want to reach out to me. i wouldn't give up because i wouldn't want to. i would stop offering people money out of insecurity when i think i owe them my body and time. i would receive gifts and pleasure and joy as easily as i receive pain and shame and punishment. i'd orgasm more and gossip about my own shit less. i would finally buy the canvases so i can paint. i would let go of my idea of scarcity and use my journals that i deem too good for me. i would buy a printer so i can print all the kind things i've been told online. i would buy more art. i'd go to japan, italy, switzerland, france, toronto, mexico, ghana, islands, all over the world. i would build my existence day to day, morning to morning, night to night, as lucas said to. i would share my voice with the world. i would share my songs with my close friends and work on them together. i would perform my poetry and music and make a zine i would stop saying "what am i doing wrong? why does god hate me?" and say "look at what i'm doing well! look at all the things god has to love about me. that i have to love about me." i would buy the overtone colorless $30 hair conditioner. i would stop wearing bras when i can and would get the reduction so my chest wouldn't hurt. i'd probably spend the money on supplements and drink waaay more water than i do. i would act and dance the way i always wanted to. i would only perform on stages and not in my daily life and conversations or writing, nonetheless. i would try everything i wanted to and THEN decide that i don't want to do it anymore. i would jump in the creek, even naked. i would get flip flops so i don't need to wear converse all summer. i would get new converse and heely's. i wouldn't keep checking my phone or the prompt to see if i'm doing it right. i would call the people from my past that i really want to speak to and thank and apologize to. "to live life well because I love myself this much." i would give myself even one thing i wanted. to bless myself after all i have been through.

i would thank them all. thank you Bucky, Grandpa Paul, Uncle Maury, Grandpa George, Mitch, Grandma Judy, Mr. Elder, Hunter, Tim, Mr. Ricci, Ryan, Doug, Dottie, Paul, Lisa Morano, Leelah, Robin Williams, MJ, Mojojojo, Hutchyboy, Daddy Podge. None of you died for me to deserve love and I do not deserve love because I have lost you all. I deserve love for no reason at all, and you all knew that and showed me that the best you could in your owns ways. all incredibly unique. I was conditioned otherwise, because we do the best we can with the information we have at the time. But i know in my truth, it was love you were trying to show me, and love i deserve.

i have been asked to live so many lives in just this one. i am just 22 years old, although i feel like a lost child. i did run away as a kid, but was punished even though i didn't see myself as lost. clash of the cleats weekend. started our family dynamic of concern fairly young. got 16 stitches at age 3 after falling. broke my leg going down the wrong slope, dad closely behind but not close enough. i can still feel the spot it broke. ran away again at 14, first day of school. i didn't like it there or a girl i knew prior to my entry. had the cops restrain me and before that, called emergency services to stop me from dying. self harmed in so many fucking ways. bullied and beaten up. cops called at the ice skating rink. the same one that celebrities posed at. taken advantage of and expelled and ostracized. ran away again to colorado to get help because i finally wanted help. cheated on twice. lost my best friend who was there through all of it, my cat, hutch. lost my dad when things were finally getting really good. the best they'd ever been. i keep a list of all the friends who mattered so much to me before all of this happened but who haven't said anything to me, as if saying nothing and not acknowledging the pain makes it so it isn't real and the pain doesn't need to be seen or acknowledged. i don't thank them for that just yet. i am still angry. love will have me forgive myself for blaming myself for their lack of actions.

love will have me get a hammock and bask in it over a beach. love would have me get the copic markers and lawn chair and snap pea fidget toy and blue contacts and blanket and outdoor blanket and avatar comics and record player and inkbox and sea monkeys and hs "woman" lyric t shirt and devinah eyeshadow and all these things instead of begging others to see me enough to know i want all these things in life and more. love would have me stop praying for a platonic sugar daddy to give me all these things, as if i'd use the money and it'd ever be enough or something i'd feel good about. love would say, "aliya, these things will not fulfill you. you are full and filled. you can have them because you can have them. you are whole and beautiful as you are with all you are and with all you aren't. you are loved if one day you want to have stronger boundaries. you are loved if you stop smiling at the flowers. you are loved while you are breathing. you need to keep breathing. you already know you will be loved long after you stop, do not let that motivate you to leave this earth too soon, too early, before you are ready to. you know the pain that brings, you know how you miss your father. you deserve the freshest coconut juice and the most delicious fruits. you deserve home cooked meals and udon noodles. you deserve anything you fucking want in this world. you deserve to sleep and rest and you hear how tired you are. you deserve to fall in love with yourself. you deserve to be your best version of yourself. you deserve to be your favorite version of yourself. you deserve the same love you give to absolutely everyone else you love so fiercely, even though you don't think you do enough, are enough. you are enough. you need to let others love you. you need to believe them. you need to please stay alive to see the day this person, that others love so dearly, is someone you can love, too. you need to stay alive to see and remember that miracles exist, even though they didn't for your dad's recovery in this life. you need to live to see one direction reband, even if you can't tell him. he only loved them because you did and he loved you. your love for the band and all other things you love still gets to be loved and cherished by you. and how lucky they are to be so. remember to invest in yourself. i know you want to be a better friend and person to others so they can be that to you, but don't you think it's so you can be that to you, too? don't you think it has already worked? can't you see how loved you are by others? i know you can't right now. aliya, my dearest love, you NEED to stay alive because one day, when it is all safe again, everyone who loves you, who really, really loves you, will greet you like you'd be greeted in heaven, with giant hugs and all the things you love and the clouds will smile at you and ocean will kiss you hello and the birds will sing to you and the sun will shine on your face revealing every freckle of yours and heaven will be on earth. it is waiting for you. you will be ready. trust your process. you will see all those who know how to love you and it will be so grandiose and outpouring in love that you will forget all those who couldn't be there for you before. you are here now. you've arrived to your temple of peace, and you are alive to see it. aliya, i am love. i bless you with all your dreams. you will change shapes many times. you will think his death was a catalyst, you will wish he was here, you will learn he still is, you will think you only received it because he gave it to you. you will see and be so much more than you already are or know you will be. believe me on that. trust in love. trust in yourself. you are love. at your best, at you worst, you are love, forever deserving and more. i love you so. dearly, truly, forever yours, your love, aliya love."

[worthlostblog]

SELF-Compassion letter

First thing I’ll say. I think being self-compassionate and accepting of myself is important. It allows me to embrace the fact that I am not special but in fact very similar to everyone else, which is also really great. It allows me to feel a sort of interconnectedness between everyone else who also struggles to feel special or above average. Which is really nice.

So the first step with being more self-compassionate is writing that way towards myself. It’ll allow me to have a second voice in my head, one that is less self-critical and more compassionate. In order to that  I’ve taken upon myself to write a letter to myself based on the questions and ideas of some big wig smarty smart smarts at berkly college or something. I don’t know. Look it up yourself if you’re so interested, I don’t owe you anything.

Sorry. I got a little upset there.

Okay, let’s get into this, first things first I need to acknowledge something that makes me feel ashamed or insecure. That’s probably either my lack of talent, or my lack of caring for anyone and anything. No, that’s not true. I care too much. Otherwise I wouldn’t be so upset. Pretending not to care is a defense mechanism. But it still is something that I do to shove people away and I need to stop doing that. Be more accepting of all people.

So with my talent at least. I just feel like I’m not very smart. Was never very smart in high school, but I at least made people laugh. I was funny. Thoughtful. Creative. And I had friends to back it up. Now, not so much. I started working, feeling depressed because of growing up and pills I took. Then college happened and I was away from my support group from high school. It makes me sad to think about. Alright, so that’s out there. Now. Where does the self-compassion come in?

-Imagine that there is someone who loves and accepts you unconditionally for who you are. What would that person say to you about this part of yourself?

This “person” who sounds a lot like a special little someone named Jesus Christ, would say “Nicholas, you still have that talent in you, you can still do great and funny things, you just have to let yourself open up and accept both yourself and others in. You are closed off.” Maybe? I don’t know what they would say, I’m not them.

-Remind yourself that everyone has things about themselves that they don’t like, and that no one is without flaws. Think about how many other people in the world are struggling with the same thing that you’re struggling with.

Yeah, that’s true. Millions of people are doing the exact same thing I am doing, wistfully writing in hopes of being noticed in some coffee shop somewhere.

-Consider the ways in which events that have happened in your life, the family environment you grew up in, or even your genes may have contributed to this negative aspect of yourself.

Yeah, I think I always blame those acne pills & my choice to go to community college on this fact that I got so closed off. I don’t know. There was so much I didn’t know about myself that I’m still curious about figuring out. Especially when I was just out of high school. I was ready to go and no one was there to support me so I failed miserably and then just got super defensive for the rest of time.

-In a compassionate way, ask yourself whether there are things that you could do to improve or better cope with this negative aspect. Focus on how constructive changes could make you feel happier, healthier, or more fulfilled, and avoid judging yourself.

So I feel like, there are little things I would enjoy doing, like writing more, working out more, but it seems like the biggest thing I need to do is accept more people into my life. Make more friends, Zach, Nate, I don’t know… other people I’m always ignoring.

-After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back to it later and read it again. It may be especially helpful to read it whenever you’re feeling bad about this aspect of yourself, as a reminder to be more self-compassionate.

Okay. Will do.

[asarahworld-writes]

A ZOMBIES Christmas Chapter 4

Zed picked at the cheesecake, making small talk with the surrounding cousins, his free hand holding Addison’s.  Never in his life did he think he’d be here – fairly popular in integrated school, having dinner with his human girlfriend’s family, playing football and it being a casual dinnertime conversation.

Maybe he should have known, or at least suspected, that there was still a chance that things could turn south.  But, despite everything, Zed was an optimist.  Dinner had gone well.  Dessert had been smooth.  He’d gotten along with Addison’s relatives.  And Addison had been free to be herself, wig-free, all night.

“EVERYONE GET BACK!  ZOMBIE!”

Zed instinctively jumped back as Mr. Buchanan crept closer, knocking over the stacked folding chairs leaning against the couch.  “Mr. Buchanan, I’ve been here all night.  I came with Addison,” he ducked as the older man wildly swung in his general direction, eyes shining.

“You stay away from my granddaughter, rotter!”

Zed’s mind was racing, his incoherent thoughts rambling through how to reconnect with Mr. Buchanan as a person, and not the monstrous zombiephobe currently in front of him.  He wasn’t sure what had happened to suddenly polarize Mr. Buchanan into seeing him as a zombie and not Addison’s boyfriend.  Try as he might, there was nothing he could say that would change the old man’s mind.  The cheer championship as a revolution had only affected so many humans in Seabrook – the entire town was a cheerleading town, they liked to win, and the zombies hadn’t won cheer.  They had won football, but cheer was the top sport and they had lost.  He was irrevocably and deeply in love with Addison, but he wasn’t being seen as a person.  He was a monster.  At the end of the day, he was still the same sort of monster whom had eaten the older man’s ear.

Addison threw herself between her boyfriend and her grandfather.  “I wasn’t going to come tonight, exactly because of this.  I’d thought, pretty stupidly looking back, that maybe if we were both here, nobody would say anything to our faces.  Because it’s not like anybody in this family has ever been supportive of me being who I am.  But maybe if I had Zed, if I had the one person in this town, the whole world, who supported and loved me unconditionally, it might not be so bad.”

“Even a freak like you is still human, Addison,” Mr. Buchanan said quietly.

Addison scoffed.  “You just threatened my boyfriend, who has been nothing but a perfectly wonderful guest at our Christmas dinner, for no reason except that he’s different.  Well, we’re all different.  Zed is quite possibly the kindest and sweetest person I’ve ever met.  He’s my boyfriend, he’s a zombie, and I love him.  I’ve got freaky white hair.  I’m still human, but even that has always been enough for my own family to turn against me.  If we were all honest with each, I bet everyone in this room has something they’ve been hiding from the rest of the family!”  She exhaled harshly, running a hand through her hair.  “Zed’s not the only monster in this house.”

With that, Addison took Zed by the hand and shakily lead him back to the kitchen.  She pulled him down into a tight embrace, sinking onto the linoleum floor.  “I am so sorry about him,” she murmured.  Zed could hear her voice thicken with emotion, could smell her mind spiking with adrenaline.

“It’s not your fault.”  He wished there was something he could say to make her feel better.  Of course, it always stung whenever he heard people saying things about zombieism, but he had learned to roll with it over the past fifteen years.  Sometimes, most times, it was easier to simply walk away.  “Do you want to go?”

Addison laughed hollowly, though there was no real malice present.  “Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”

Zed shrugged.  “They’re your family.”

There was a light tap on the door and Zed looked up to see one of Addison’s cousins standing in the doorway.

“What do you want, Brandon?”  Addison asked him bitterly, glancing at him before turning back to her boyfriend.

“Grandpa’s mostly calmed down now…  I’m sorry.”  His apology, though genuine, was futile as he was not responsible for his grandfather’s behaviour.  “I think the people most upset right now are Aunt Missy and Uncle Dale.  They always were more obsessed with perfection…. Except maybe Mom and Dad with Bucky’s cheer stuff.”

Addison was quiet, silently considering the sincerity of her cousin’s statement.  Zed was quiet, too, wondering what the next best thing to do would be.  This was exactly the sort of situation that his father had been worried about when he’d made his offer to come out and take them home early.

“Zed,” the zombie looked up as Brandon addressed him by name, “I’ll drive you back to Zombietown myself if you want to leave.  I can’t say anything for the rest of the family, and frankly right now I don’t really want to, but I wouldn’t blame you if you guys left early.”

���Uh, thanks.”  Zed got up from the floor, offering Addison his hand and helping her up.  No matter what happened next, they would still have to go back and face her family before leaving, whether that was at the natural conclusion of Christmas dinner or bailing early with Brandon or calling Zevon.  However, Zed had no idea what that would be.  Despite everything, he was still just a kid who had wanted to spend the holiday with his girlfriend.

Zed’s eyes widened as he caught sight of the time on Addison’s watch.  “Shit,” he cursed lowly, heartrate accelerating to near-human levels.  “I gotta go.  Brandon, I can honestly say it was a pleasure to meet you.  Addy, thank your parents again for the invitation.  Mayor Missy’s cooking was wonderful, as always.”  Addison checked the time, immediately understanding why Zed had hurriedly changed the topic.

Dale entered the kitchen just as his daughter and her boyfriend ran out.

“What’s going on in here?”  He asked Brandon, a little too casually to be entirely sincere.

“Addy and Zed are leaving,” Brandon said bluntly.  “It’s nearly curfew and I’m surprised they stuck around this long, to be honest.”  He caught sight of his cousin and the zombie carefully walking down the stairs to the door.  “Uncle Dale, I’d thought things were changing here.  Tell my parents I’m leaving.  Or don’t.  I don’t think it would make a difference.  See you next Christmas.”

Brandon left his uncle spluttering by himself in the kitchen and started his car, slowly starting towards Zombietown.  He had caught up to his cousin in less than a minute.  “You kids want a ride?”

“Won’t Aunt Becky be seriously mad at you?”  Addison hesitated.

Brandon laughed.  “It’s not like I live there, Addy.  She can be as pissed as she likes.  Doesn’t affect my life.  Where do you kids want to go?”  He unlocked the doors.  He watched his cousin looking at her boyfriend – how her whole face softened as she met his eyes, how they clasped hands as soon as they were settled in the backseat.

Home.  But the associated imagery had nothing to do with the house they had just left.

“The barrier,” she said simply.

“I’m not dropping you kids off in the middle of the street.”  Brandon rolled his eyes.  “What’s your address, Zed?”

Had any other human asked, Zed would have never answered.  But this was the one member of Addison’s family who hadn’t been afraid to treat both of them as regular people.  Zed had begun to trust the human.

“Z-224a.  Right at the end of the last road, by the wall.”  He saw the curtains in Eliza’s window flutter closed as Brandon’s car approached.  It’d be fine.

Brandon pulled up along the driveway, headlights briefly illuminating the block before he killed the engine.

“Where are you going to go?”  Addison asked, still strapped into the backseat.  Zed drew his hand back from where he had reached for the door handle, not having considered what Addison’s cousin would do after leaving Christmas dinner.

“Home.  Away from Seabrook, away from our family.”

“Isn’t that, like, two and a half hours?”

“Four.  We moved upstate to Syracuse a few years back for Quinn’s university.  Med biotech – basically a clinical medical lab technician.  Lots of testing.”

“Quinn.  I haven’t heard about Quinn, before,” Addison looked at her cousin curiously.  “There’s usually some ‘news’ about you whenever Mom and Aunt Becky gossip on the phone.  Not that Mom would ever call it gossip.  She’s ‘sharing in her sister’s concern for her eldest son’.”  Addison rolled her eyes.

“Believe me, my mother has no clue that Quinn even exists.”  Brandon turned around to face them, his knee tucked awkwardly under the gearshift.  “If she did, nobody would ever hear the end of it.  In hushed whispers, of course, but still.”

“I get it,” Addison twirled a strand of her hair.  “I’ve thought about leaving, but…” Her eyes drifted over to Zed.  Out the window, she saw the light strands flicker out.  “Hey, I think your dad knows we’re back.”

Zed glanced out the window.  “Yeah.”

“Not to make things weird, but I should probably go home.  Can’t exactly go back to Syracuse with you, Brandon.  Normally if I need to get away for the night, I’d go see Bree but since it’s Christmas…”

“You can stay here,” Zed quickly offered, before blanching.  “One of us on the couch, obviously.  I’ll give you one of my hoodies…if I have any left,” he grinned.

“You know, this would probably be the part where I should say something, but I think you kids are more responsible than most of the adults in the family.  Especially since you’re not going to be alone.”  Brandon unlocked the doors.

“We should go,” Addison caught her cousin’s eye.  “If Brandon’s going home, he’s got a long drive ahead of him.  Thank you so much.”

There was a pause.  “Yeah,” Brandon said finally.  “Stay in touch, Addy.”  Addison nodded, giving her cousin a quick, one-armed hug from the backseat.

Zed waved his hand as he ducked out of the car, stretching.  “Let’s get inside.”  He took Addison’s hand as they walked to the door, quickly and quietly unlocking it.  They toed out of their shoes, creeping up the stairs to Zed’s room.  Zed grabbed a couple pairs of sweats and tee shirts, leaving one on the bed for Addison as he went into the bathroom.  He knocked lightly a few minutes later, and Addison opened the door.

“I brought you one of Zoey’s hair ties,” he murmured.  “Thought you might want to tie your hair back.”

Addison smiled tiredly.  “Thanks.”  Instead of passing her the hair tie, Zed sat on the bed behind her and quickly braided her hair into a short plait.  When he had finished, Addison leaned back against his chest for a moment before she got up.  Zed watched as she walked over to the chair on the other side of the room, picking up the quilt and pillow.

“Hey, you’re sleeping here.  I’ll take the couch,” Zed took the bedding from his girlfriend, knowing that she would protest.

“Zed,” Addison started, but Zed shook his head.

“I’ll see you in the morning, gorgeous.”  Zed leaned against the doorframe, watching as she thought about pressing.  They were both exhausted from their eventful night.

“Gar gar ga za,” she walked over and hugged him.

“Yeah.  I gar gar ga za you, too.  Grodge garzeep,” he murmured, kissing her forehead.

“Grodge garzeep,” she repeated sleepily, watching as he left.  She waited until she heard him settle on the couch before pulling back the sheets.  Everything smelled like Zed, and she pulled the sheet tighter, sighing happily.  There would be consequences to deal with in the morning, but right now, they were together and they were safe.