#I need to hang out with someone I am DYING and in need of true EXCITEMENT.

[witheria]

So tired of movies. So tired of books. So tired of music. Like literally everything is just boring me.

[staybabblingbaby]

Soulmate Garden AU Ch.1 (Dahlia) a2 d5

[Caution: These are not full fics, or even full parts of fics for some, these are part of my writing progress archive!]

Concept: Growing up, you knew Soulmates weren't all that they cracked up to be. So when, on your 18th birthday, your skin is painted with a garden of flower buds, you resolve to hide it from everyone. Who had ever heard of someone with 8 soulmates, anyway?

Or; Reader has 8 soulmates and no issue avoiding all of them. It's up to SKZ to show her that while every soulbond might not be made of fairy tales, theirs certainly could be.

Word Count: 5,368

Notes: My friend Tiny said this was very Wattpad era of me, so I'm so sorry that I'm cringe, guys. She also said she loved it and I am also p satisfied w it, so. Celebrations! It's also fucking long for me, like damn. Chill. I do have some disclaimers abt this tho. 1) I have never been to a k-pop concert, I am doing my best working off of what videos, vlogs, blogs, and Quora and Reddit answers for this. I'm very sorry if it's horribly inaccurate. Also it's idealized so it'd gonna be inaccurate 2) Covid never happened in this universe! Send-offs for everyone!

Dividers by @saradika

Warnings: She/Her Reader, sort of dissociating? ish?

Leave me comments or questions or anything! Love hearing from folks <3

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“Yes, Ma, I promise I’m doing just fine,” You grunt into your phone, tucking the device between your cheek and shoulder as you juggle your groceries and try to dig out your keys, “No one has tried to mug me, I’m eating well, and the job is the same as the last time you called.”

You manage to both open your door and kick it shut as your mother replies, “I just worry about you dear. You’re so far away from us now, what if you need help?”

You waddle to your kitchen counter to offload your burdens, stretching your cramping fingers out as you go to properly hold your phone again.

“I know, Ma, but I’m sure I’ll make some friends with time and then they can help me out.” you finally reply with a sigh. You begin the arduous task of actually putting your groceries away, resigned to the fate of a functional adult.

You hear your sister bark out a laugh in the background. It’s possibly about hearing ‘you’ and ‘friends’ in the same sentence (Which, ouch. True, but ouch). You magnanimously ignore her.

“Honey, I love you, but it’s been almost a year. You have yet to tell me about a single friend.” Your Mom retorts. Again, ouch.

“I have Taylor!” You defend, slamming your fridge shut with a pout.

“Your roommate doesn’t count!” Your little sister taunts from the background. You hear your mother shush her but her agreement is implied when she doesn’t correct the little gremlin.

“He so does!” You argue, “We hang out in contexts that are not work or school, we eat meals together, and we’re even going to a concert this weekend! That’s friends! That’s best friends, even.” You sound a bit pathetic even to yourself, but the day your sister wins over you is the day you die.

“That’s a friendly roommate,” Is your sister’s amused response, “I bet you don’t even know what his favorite color is.” Your silence is answer enough, and she cracks up, laughing so hard that you hear a muted thump as she falls off of whatever furniture she’d been occupying.

Guess you’re dying today.

Your mother changes the subject to the goings-on of your hometown while your sister asphyxiates in the background. You’ve only been away for a little under a year now, but as you listen to her talk about which of your littlest cousins are starting school and which of your relatives are causing drama, you realize that it’s already been a little under a year.

You flop onto your couch as your mom babbles away, holding back an existential crisis.

Your fingers begin tracing the long-since memorized lines of your soulmark over your clothes as you ponder the passing of time, fully zoned out of your mother’s gossip. Your sister seems to catch on to your long silence, interrupting you mother to pester you into giving her more material to taunt you over.

“What concert are you going to, anyway?” She questions.

“Oh, it’s a K-Pop group called Stray Kids,” You tell her. You can practically feel her interest shrivel up and die as soon as you say K-Pop, bless her elitist, snobby, little heart. “Taylor likes them a lot, and his boyfriend dumped him last month, so I got some good tickets to cheer him up.”

Your mother coos at you briefly before your sister overtakes the conversation again, “Are they even good?” You can hear the sneer in her voice as she falls into Music Snob (tm) mode, so you roll your eyes when you reply.

“They’re fun to dance to when I’m doing chores, so that’s good enough for me.”

“You can’t even understand them.” She complains.

“I can, actually.” You inform her primly, “My language elective was Korean. I took the whole course.”

“You’re a weirdo.”

“Tell that to my sweet, sweet, degree, kiddo.” It’s finally your turn to taunt.

“Whatever, you’re not even going with a friend, just your roommate. How fun could it be?” She pouts back.

“I told you, we are friends! Best friends, even!”

“You still don’t know his favorite color.” She retorts smugly.

“I know his favorite flower, that’s gotta count for something!” Your mother hums in agreement, and you picture her watching your bickering like a tennis match, assigning points in her head.

“It doesn’t, because you know everyone’s favorite flower! You know the mail guy’s favorite flower! It’s like an obsession.” You picture your sister rolling her eyes at you, exasperation pouring off of her. The image makes you grin as you reply.

“Only if it’s still Jim. I haven’t been around to ask anyone new.” You point out. Reasonably, you think, but for some reason your sister lets out a loud groan of annoyance and you hear her exaggerated stomps ass she removes herself from your presence. Your mother lets out an amused little huff and you imagine you’ve won the tennis match in her head.

No death for you today. Score!

Your mom yaps with you for a little longer, before finally bidding you farewell, telling you that you should call more often (like you don’t chat literally every Friday afternoon like clockwork), tell your dad to come home soon if you happen to call him (you won’t. He won’t either), and tell her all about how the concert goes next week. You promise to do that one easily.

When she hangs up, you’re left with the ringing silence of an empty apartment. Moving to LA has been a quieter experience than you’re used to in general, for many reasons. Sure, the city itself is louder than your little suburb by miles, but life has been... More peaceful, since. Quieter.

It still makes you uneasy, even 10 months later.

You get up from the couch and drift off to your room like a ghost, opening Spotify on your way. The opening notes of Ruth B’s Lost Boy and a something nauseous swirling in your gut is all that follows you.

On concert morning, you’re woken up bright and early by your air-horn of a roommate slamming your door open.

“Concert daaaaaaaaay~” He trills at you from the doorway. You don’t even open your eyes when you roll over and throw a pillow at him in protest. A soft ‘oof’ tells you that you hit your mark for once. Nice.

“Nice shot!” Taylor cheers, “But now I have your ammo, so it’s up time.”

You roll over again, taking the edge of your blanket with you and tossing it over your head. You pull a stuffed animal under with you, and curl tightly around it.

“Nmf gmf.” You grumble at him through a mouthful of fluff.

“Nuh-uh!” Taylor tuts, already fluent in Morning Grumble, “We gotta get up. There’s food to be eaten, outfits to put on, and lines to beat!”

You let out a long, agonized, groan, but obligingly roll over and starfish out with childish protest. Taylor waits until you open your eyes to glare at his annoyingly cheerful blond bedhead before he leaves your doorway with a sunny smile. Smug bastard.

He leaves your door open too, the shit, allowing the sweet smell of french toast and eggs to drift into your room. You sit up with a whiney groan, scrubbing harshly at your face.

You’d forgive him this time. Just for the french toast.

You lean over to grab your phone from your bedside table, just waking the screen to check the time. When the numbers register you lay right the way back down with another long wail of protest.

Four in the morning. That french toast had better be fucking good.

You eventually stumble into the kitchen and are promptly handed a very large and very welcomed cup of coffee. Taylor hands you a plate piled high with french toast and eggs, fruits and toppings already out, before you can even try to start bitching at him.

You take in the spread with a furrowed brow, before slowly lifting your head to pin Taylor with a suspicious stare.

“My dude, it is four in the morning. How?”

Taylor just shrugs at you. “Couldn’t sleep. Too excited.”

You nod slowly at him. “I’ll drive. You’re napping in the car.”

This triggers a round of outraged whining from your sleep-deprived roommate, which you cull by pointing out that headaches and concerts are an awful combo. He subsides but insists he’ll be even more excited in the car, since it’s closer to concert time. You tell him to do it anyway.

“Why are we up so early in the first place?” You complain as you drain the last dregs of your drink. “The concert isn’t for, like, fifteen hours.”

“The concert is only fifteen hours away! Countdowns have already started, mark my words!” Taylor counters, “You got us Soundcheck tickets! VIP! We have to take advantage! I want the entire experience. Freebies, insane merch lines, sponsor booths, everything.” He gets more and more incensed as he goes on, leaning farther over the table, his shirt almost dragging in the puddles of syrup on his plate.

You raise your hands in surrender to his wild-eyed look. “Whatever,” You concede, “You’re the boss, this is your day.”

Taylor nods in satisfaction, leaning back. You notice that he actually does take some syrup with him as he re-seats himself. “As it should be.” Is his prim reply.

You sort of just laugh at him, and your routine of friendly bickering continues as the two of you make quick work of fixing up the kitchen.

You two split off to get ready, Taylor demanding a leave time of 6am sharp. You do your best to appease him, dressing up enough to say you put effort in, but paying mind to comfort over style. You’re putting the last touches on your eye liner when Taylor barges in.

You give him a stink eye for not knocking, which he blissfully ignores as he looks over you top to bottom. He summarily declares you “Good, but not good enough” and stampedes over to raid your closet.

At this point in your cohabitation you’ve learned to just let him do his thing when he gets like this. He doesn’t let you dress yourself when you go clubbing with his friends either, the jerk. Your fashion sense is perfectly acceptable, thank-you-very-much.

He tells you you’re being assigned a bias for today based on your wardrobe as he tosses you a white and navy stripped polo shirt and some navy sweatpants with racer strips on the side. He pulls up a reference photo on your phone and tells you to accessorize while he goes to find an appropriate tie from his stash for you.

Looking at the picture of Han Jisung on your screen, you admit that the outfit is pretty close already. You decide to leave the polo’s buttons undone, grabbing a white camisole to put on under. Your accessories take a bit longer, and you can’t see the shoes to match those, but Taylor seems satisfied enough when he comes back.

He hands you a tie and a handful of pins to complete your look and begins pushing you out the door before you can even put them on properly. When you protest this he insists that the two of you are running late, despite the concert still being more than 13 hours away.

You do, in fact, make him sleep in the car. He does not appreciate this, but early morning traffic can lull even the most dutiful of soldiers to sleep. He’s somehow even more chipper than usual when he wakes up, despite being groggy and bleary-eyed.

The crowd, when the two of you arrive, isn’t as big as you were expecting it to be. With all of Taylor’s rushing, you’d expected to barely be able to see the doors. The merch booth he was so excited about isn’t even open yet, and he settles the two of you into the line to enter the venue instead of camping there.

It’s immediately obvious who the extrovert between the two of you is, Taylor’s bouncy blond head beginning to duck and weave among the small crowd as soon as you claim your spot, laughs and excited exchanges popping up wherever he stopped. You, on the other hand, stay exactly where you’d been left and fiddle around on your phone, Taylor’s clear backpack abandoned in your arms.

You’re pretty sure this is purposeful on his part. You know each other well enough by now that he’s well aware of your tendency to stay planted once you’re settled. You’re definitely being used to stake out your spot. You steal one of his granola bars as payment for your services.

An hour or so drags through, and Taylor has thoroughly befriended most of the people around you. Once he’s decided that it’s about time to line up for some of the merch booths, Taylor leaves you in the tender care of the other fans as he goes to stake out a spot. He gracefully accepts both your wallet and your request of “a t-shirt and something they can sign”

The group of four people behind you, in particular, take his (only semi-joking) request of “take care of my introvert for me” seriously.

“So are you a Han bias?” One asks you as Taylor prances off. Her outfit is majority blue, little Bbokari (You can admit that the little characters charm you. You probably know their names better than the Stray Kids themselves) hair clips and keychains decorating her person.

You look down at yourself and then back up at her, almost having forgotten that you were dressed up as him. “Ah, no. Taylor, my friend, dressed me this morning. We’re here for him today. Though, he did say Han was my assigned bias today.” You laugh nervously, hoping they don’t judge your lack of knowledge.

Thankfully none of them seem discouraged by your response, giggling along with your little joke. In fact one of them, dressed head to toe in merch, seems almost excited by the prospect.

“Are you a baby Stay then?” She asks you with sparkling eyes. You wave your hands in front of yourself a bit defensively.

“Ah, no. I wouldn’t go that far. I like their music when Taylor plays it around the apartment, but I wouldn’t consider myself part of the fandom. This is actually my first k-pop experience in general.” You explain, “When I say we’re here for him, I mean I am here in total ignorance.”

Another girl, dressed in a loud assortment of colors you vaguely recognize from the music video Taylor had on loop in your living room for a week and a half when it dropped, lets out a low whistle. “Throwing you right into the deep end, huh? Hardcore.”

The group of you laugh a bit, the only guy in their group agreeing with, “Well if you’re not a fan now, you will be when you leave. Their performances are amazing, honestly.”

You absorb the gushing with an open heart, truly hoping for that to be the case. You take this opportunity to take the spotlight off of yourself.

“Oh, have you guys been to a Stray Kids concert before? It’s Taylor’s first.”

That question is the key to the floodgates, and you end up spending the next 3 and a half hours waiting for Taylor’s return (with text updates from the man himself, assuring you that he is still where he’s supposed to be) being regaled with tales of concerts, events, and comebacks past. You feel a bit like you’re getting a crash course in all things Stray Kids, phones often popping out to show you clips, fancams, and photos.

It makes you smile, feeling very included and welcomed as you occasionally pepper in a question or two to keep them going. It’s just like dinners at the apartment with Taylor, him unloading his stress through fandom, and you unloading yours through listening to his ramblings.

This is exactly why you came with him today.

Taylor makes his return loaded down with goodies both purchased and gifted by other fans, to which you welcome him by cheering loudly. This triggers your new group to do the same. Somehow, the five of you cheering leads to a large portion of the early crowd, which had grown by the hour, cheering with you.

You feel a bit shy at the power you apparently hold, and laugh about it with your new friends.

Eventually Taylor and Merch Girl (you hadn’t managed to catch any of their names, you realize belatedly. It’d be too awkward to ask now. You resolve to simply Not Address Them) split off to do more rounds among other fans, distributing their own freebies.

You hadn’t even realized Taylor had made freebies. You’re also not sure how he found the time. Love finds a way, you suppose.

The other group’s Token Guy Friend (who will always been Token Guy to you, so sorry Token Guy) passes the conversation back to you. Not appreciated, Token Guy.

You can’t be all that mad though, as he shuffles through his bag to produce a piece of paper and a chisel-tipped sharpie. He passes the items to you with a grin.

“If you’re close to the stage you should have a sign! You might get an interaction that way!” He enthuses. The remaining girls cheer at the idea, sighing over the possibility of you getting an interaction at your very first concert.

You hold back correcting them that it’s just your first k-pop concert. You’re sure that’s what they mean anyways, as the experience so far has been quite different from your usual.

You look at the items in your hand, and then back at him. He offers to let you use his back to write on. You once again stare between his meticulous outfit and the sharpie in your hand. You are so not going to ruin someone’s day with what was supposed to be a kind gesture.

You motion for him to wait a moment and dig around in your own bag for a moment, the seat cushion Taylor had insisted you bring slapping you incessantly from where it hangs as you shuffle both your shoulder bag and Taylor’s backpack around. Eventually you manage to pull out your travel first aid kit, pulling a gauze pad from it.

You unclip the seat cushion from your bag and place it on the ground, motioning for Token Guy to kneel. He does so bemusedly.

“I’m gonna make it fancy,” You inform him, “those random calligraphy classes from high-school aren’t going to fail me today.” He makes a noise of assent and you’re crowding over his bent back, unfurling the gauze pad to make a barrier between the paper and his shirt.

He and the girls make their conversation around you as you sink into concentration. It’s very difficult to make nice, even, lines on an uneven surface like a back, and you have to keep gently slapping Token Guy’s shoulder when he laughs to remind him not to move.

Taylor and Merch Girl have returned by the time you finish your sign, Taylor laughingly cautioning any of them from breaking your concentration for anything less than Token Guy’s health. Unless they wanted to face your Wrath(tm), of course.

His advice seems to have been heeded, because by the time you tune back into the outside world you have a sign with very pretty (and most importantly - legible) calligraphy that reads:

[HAN! You’ve been assigned as my bias today! Make me fall for you?]

You even took the time to add Korean translations in smaller script beneath each line. You also take the time to admire your own foresight for laying out the gauze pad, small black marks littering it’s surface. Token Guy seems equally impressed when he looks at it, before taking the initiative to trash both it and the wrapper for you.

Merch Girl reads your sign when you proudly hold it in front of yourself and cackles.

“So that’s why he really brought you along, huh?” She teases, elbowing Taylor like they’re old friends. He has that effect on people. “She can talk to them for you if the Aussie line isn’t around.” Taylor gives a sheepish laugh and a faux-guilty shrug.

“That, and she bought the tickets. I couldn’t leave her behind if I tried.” He pokes at you as he speaks, mirth dancing in his eyes. Laughter erupts around the group as you shout your offence, making to start roughhousing with him like you do your sister.

The time passes joyously this way until the doors finally open to begin letting people in for sound check.

You’re not gonna lie, you’re already super tired and peopled out. Luckily, Taylor had clocked you flagging before even you had, and sent you to sit in “introvert time out” on your cushion in a shaded spot away from the crowd. So you could make it through sound check and the actual concert. Probably.

You and Taylor pass through security unscathed, having already eaten or trashed any snacks or drinks you’d brought with you, and having not bothered bringing much else. Both of your bags were just full of merch and freebies at this point.

Once you actually enter the venue you take the lead, dragging Taylor by the wrist to your seats. You’re actually super excited to show him the seats you’d gotten, having kept anything beyond ‘soundcheck’ a secret.

Taylor is already vibrating with excitement as you lead him to the floor seats. He’s nearly trembling as you lead him right up the center, past rows and rows of little white chairs erected for the reserved seating tickets. When you finally sit him down right in front of the thrust stage, plopping into the seat beside him with satisfaction, he turns to you with saucer-wide eyes.

“Noo...” He whispers.

“Oh, yes.” You return, blessing him with a grin and little eyebrow wiggle.

Taylor basically tackles you in a hug, almost knocking you into the person next to you, and squeals his thanks so loudly that you’re sure the entire stadium hears. When he’s done thanking you he pulls back, hands on your shoulders, with the most deadly serious eyes you had ever seen on him.

“I would die for you.” He intones lowly. You crack first, the two of you breaking into a giggle fit that was almost concerning with it’s intensity. When the two of you calm down and turn to settle and sit properly, he nudges your shoulder with his.

“Seriously,” He says, eyes soft, “You’re the best ever. You need anything from today on? I’m your guy.”

You chuckle at him, nudging him back, “Do my dishes for the next month, then.” You tease.

He rears back, hands up in joking surrender, “Woah, woah! Let’s not go that far! I meant if you needed to escape from the mob or something, not chores.” He gives an exaggerated shudder before breaking into his usual silly grin.

The two of you spend the next however long indulging in familiar banter, waving at the group of fans you’d made friends with outside when you spotted them not terribly far away, and generally recharging your batteries for the concert. Taylor eventually moves on to talking to the people around you, and you rest your head on his shoulder.

You close your eyes for just a moment, trying to turn the lights off in your brain for a bit. You really needed the music to start soon, you were going to fall asleep.

Almost as if in answer to your prayers, the group begins trickling on stage for sound check.

To be honest, both soundcheck and the concert pass in a blur for you.

Once things kick off, you’re swept away in a wave of cheers, music, and lights. You hadn’t expected front row seats to be quite as intense as they were, but you made a note to yourself to not book such tickets for yourself in the future.

You couldn’t really handle it.

Still, Taylor seems to have the time of his life, and you manage to immerse yourself in the concert enough to shake your sign at Han when he passes by, earning yourself a wink and a cheek heart. Taylor was nearly euphoric at having caught the interaction with his phone camera.

By the time it’s over, you’re fairly sure you had a good time, but also 100% sure that you were completely overwhelmed. Taylor manages to drag you to the send off that you paid for spots at anyway. Curse his charming, sunny demeanor.

You can’t really process how it happened at this point, but you end up practically pinned to the railing of the barricade at the send-off location, separated from Taylor, and clinging to your façade of an excited fan with a white knuckled grip. You have three things on you to get signed, and a mission from Taylor to get all three scribbled on.

Your sign for Han, a ballcap Taylor had customized, and a Lee Know photocard Taylor had entrusted to you with a gravity you weren’t sure it warranted. He had, like, three of the same one.

You try to drum up the determination to see your mission through, but find it difficult to dredge up any will at all.

Time waits for no man, however, and soon enough the members begin making their way through, delivering high-fives, autographs, and aegyo as they pass through. You end up squished almost violently to the railing, ducking a bit and making yourself as small as possible as hands, phones, and items all get waved around and over you.

You’re not sure you like send-off.

There’s so many noises and sights and smells that you have a really hard time keeping track of which member is where. Plus, you’re still a lot overwhelmed from lining up before dawn and the concert itself. You’re tired, you’re cranky, and you want to go home.

At some point Lee Know must pass by you, and you must have presented the photocard properly, because you have a signed one now. That’s cool. The faster you get the requested autographs, the faster you can leave.

Bangchan spawns in front of you from the aether, from your point of view. You may be a bit more out of it than you’d like to admit. Still, you dutifully hold out your ballcap for him to sign, exchanging post-concert niceties on pure autopilot.

Because you’re not all that present at the moment, or maybe because all you’d had was your breakfast and some granola bars in the last 13 hours, you don’t hold your balance the way you should when someone shoves at you from behind. You catch yourself on the railing, but you dropped the freshly signed cap.

Bangchan kindly stoops to pick it up for you, and you thank him. A couple of things happen very quickly at that point.

1) Unlike the first two exchanges of the cap, because of the awkward and quick nature of Bangchan’s action, it is no longer being handed to you with lots of space between your hand and his.

2) You’re still being jostled around. No matter how much you brace for the impact of the bodies surrounding you, you couldn’t possibly keep totally still.

3) These two things have a consequence. Your hand brushes Chan’s as he hands you the cap.

The world stops for you for a moment, as pins and needles stab into dozens of familiar spots all across your lower abdomen. You freeze, dumb, awkward, overwhelmed smile plastered to your face as Bangchan turns away from you.

The pain isn’t that bad, really, more like a bad period cramp mixed with a sleeping limb waking up. Still, you curl your arm around your stomach, and your body bows with the motion. As if you could protect your reality from shattering and reshaping itself in front of you.

Static fills your ears and your poor, overloaded, brain throbs with the beginnings of a migraine.

Bangchan is your soulmate.

International k-pop sensation Bangchan is one of your eight soulmates.

Bangchan is part of a group with eight members.

Your soulmate is already moving away from you, your minor interaction just a footnote of his day, the tingling pain of your soulmate bond awakening probably blending in with a thousand other minor aches and pains from a very physically intense day for him.

You come back to clarity with the resolve that you’d like it to stay that way.

With a sense of urgency, you look around the crowd you’re part of, noting distinct faces and colors for the first time. You’re not really sure what you’re looking for until you spot it, and suddenly your escape plan is fully formed.

There, just a couple shoves and elbow throws away, is Blue Bbokari Girl from this morning.

You struggle your way over, people falling into the space you’d left at the railing like a pack of hyenas on fresh meat. When you reach her you the gently at her sleeve to get her attention.

She turns to you with confusion first, a bright greeting next, and finally a concerned scrunch of her brow as she takes in your hunched form.

“Hey, I’m feeling kind of sick, can you help me get out of the crowd?” You’re sure you look convincingly pathetic and weak as you plead with her. If only because you really did feel pathetic and weak at the moment.

“Oh, of course, hun! Just a moment.” She begins to crane her neck around to scan the crowd like you’d done moments prior. You feel a bit bad for interrupting her night like this, but as she calls out to someone behind her, you’re more thankful than anything.

Blue Bbokari Girl successfully gets the attention of someone you don’t recognize, and a quick summary of, “She’s sick, help her leave!” shouted over the crowd has you being passed through the crowd unmolested.

You find yourself enveloped in a chain of fans, one passing you to another, pausing, and calling on someone else to pass you to until you’ve finally stumbled free of the send-off mob.

Feeling a bit like you’d just been spat out of the maw of a great creature, you look back at the rustling crowd, now looking like it had never been disturbed at all.

The last lady who had finally freed you, an older woman with a Jiniret picket, eyes you with concern as you put you back to the nearest wall and slide down it.

“Will you be okay, sweetie?” She questions you worriedly, “Do you have anyone to pick you up?”

You smile weakly at her and assure her that you just have to get ahold of your roommate and he’d get you home safe and sound. She tries to insist on waiting with you, but you persuade her to return to the crowd with promises that you’d make your way to a bathroom or security guard once the worst of your vertigo had passed.

You watch her return with morbid fascination, amazed when she just sort of gets absorbed back into the mass of people. Almost like it ate her. You once again marvel at making it out of such a thing unscathed.

Truth be told, your stomach was only sore and tender this point, the sharp, needle-point pains long gone. Still, you take a moment to bring your knees to your chest, just breathing as you press your forehead to them. If anyone were to look at you then, you wonder what they’d think of you curled up on the floor and trembling like your dog had just died.

You hope they’d view you with kindness.

After giving yourself a moment to just feel, though you couldn’t tell anyone what you had felt, you gather yourself enough to totter to your feet and drag yourself to the nearest bathroom. You text Taylor as you go.

[Hey. Felt sick, in bathroom rn. lmk when we can leave pls?]

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[esotericpluto]

messages from your spirit guides

from left to right; intuitively choose the pile you feel more connected to. To make it easier, you can take a deep breathe, close your eyes and ask for guidance to your deities or guides. These are all general messages, so just take what resonates and leave what doesn't. This reading is timeless. If it resonates, feedback is always appreciated and motivates to keep doing pick a card readings. Please, tip the reader here

pile 1

For you, the first message I received and quick and short. Your guides are asking you to drink water, eat healthy food, especially fruits. Wear lots of sunscreen too, as I'm hearing some of you might be prone to sun damage or sunburns.

For some of you, you should focus a bit more on your friendgroups in the next weeks, as I feel like some friends would want to have you around them and might need your help or support.

I feel like some of you might have many dreams, ambitions and goals, to the point where sometimes you don't know where to begin or multitask between them. Your guides are telling you to figure it out, as it will greatly help you in the future. For this, they highly recommend you to set a practical plan for each of your goals and focus on a fewer at a time, as it will get you further. Setting a practical goal can be simply writing it out in steps, which will help you stay motivated and track your progress. I feel like for many of you, this might also be luxury, lifestyle and finances related, in which case, I also recommend you using affirmations and meditations for abundance and to align your mindset/self-concept with your desire.

I feel like there is also a big desire to be genuine, to just be who you are and express yourself without any fears. Your guides want to tell you to stay true to yourself and just ne yourself without minding anyone's opinions about it. Whoever doesn't like you or judge you just serves no purpose in your life and their negative criticisms say more about them than it says about you. Genuine people will flock to you once you unapologetically become yourself.

Overall, it is also a great time for healing: so focus on healing old wounds, traumas, fears and insecurities. Your healing process will be heightened for the next few months and your guides will aid you in the entire process, making sure you improve and grow.

pile 2

Many of you have been working crazy hard lately, maybe even manifesting things important to you into your life. Your guides are congratulating you on the good job and seem very proud of you. I hear to keep going and persisting as most people who picked this pile will achieve their goals really soon. All it might be needed for some of you is to either let go/trust or have a final breakthrough.

For all of you thinking about starting something new in your life or taking a certain action. I'm feeling that you should definitely go ahead with it. It could also be related to the previous paragraph and be what you need to manifest it fully.

If you are into someone or trying to manifest a new job or business, try to make the first move on them. Even if it might not go perfect the first time around, 100% hold your vision and persist in your desire as you will get success. It will worl out in your favor!

Those of you planning on dying your hair any bold color, I am hearing from your guides to rethink it for a while more as it might not be something you will like a lot or feel comfortable with yet. Maybe trying out different neutral colors first would be better for you for now. However, I'm getting that you should 100% go for the haircut you are planning, if any.

I'm also getting to not stay home this summer and go hang out with your friends more often. If your friends are out of town, take yourself on a date somewhere nice and pretty and buy yourself flowers or a treat!

pile 3

I feel like some of you are being encouraged to go out and try new smoothie and fruit juice flavors, especially if you live next to the beach or similar. Enjoy this with some friends or even your partner if you have any.

If you don't have a partner, I feel like your guides are saying you might find one soon, especially if you are going on vacation soon. If you are not going on vacation soon, your guides want you to try and go, even if just for a weekend.

For many of you, you guys are insisting on something or being stubborn in a situation. If this is a manifestation/dream related situation, then your guides want you to keep persisting and believing/assuming that what you want is already yours and this will make it come true. For those of you who have been in an argument lately, I feel like this means that you might be being too stubborn and it's better to just drop it and let go, as in some cases arguing just won't solve anything. However, for all the cases in this pile, I see that having faith and knowing that what you want will happen is a common theme here.

You should also think about checking on your loved ones soon if you haven't yet and see how they are doing. I feel like some of you have loved ones going through hard times or you might yourself be going through hard times. You are safe and will be safe and get to a better situation soon enough, so will your family and friends.

Your guides also want you to know that communication is important in your connections with others, especially if you are someone who overthinks a lot or has many insecurities. If someone is doing something that is making you confused or overthink, think about bringing up to them how you are feeling and solve the situation.

Your guides are also motivating you to try and contact them when you have questions, whether by praying, meditation or simply talking out loud. They will reply to the best of their abilities. For some of you, I also hear you should start working out to have a healthier lifestyle.

[yaniluvs]

hiiyaa !! >3<

well, i don’t know but i really just need to get this off of my chest. you can just skip this away because it isn’t really important, and i don’t actually expect any responses, i just wanted to get this out since i just don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. and this is whatsoever not gonna affect my blog by the way !! just wanted to exhaust for a bit.

thinking about how much of a red flag i am. this is not about romantic relationships, and this definitely just might be dramatic, you may think (if you’re reading), but i can’t help it. it probably is dramatic and i am probably overthinking it. but it’s just hard to not crave something. to not crave a shelter. to not crave a safe space. to not crave someone for you. to not crave someone who listens. someone who’s there always and you’re too. someone who you know you can trust. someone that might be really far away but still so close. someone who you are important to just as they are important to you. but then you realise no matter how hard you try, it isn’t true. you’ll never mean something important to them. while they’ll mean the whole world to you. and then it’s really not their fault at all. if anything, it’s yours, when you get attached so easily that you can’t pull away. and when you do, it breaks you, even if you don’t show it. but you do feel it right? keeping on a straight face while dying inside. you really just want the comfort. you want a getaway from the problems under your roof.

because all you need is assurance. all you really just want is safety. and even despite constant assurances by that person, you believe it at that time like an idiot, but at the pit of your stomach you still don’t. even though you badly want to. it’s just not written for you. countless people, countless times, but the same, repetitive thing each time. but you still give it a try. because you’re so desperate. but even when you actually stop looking for the right person, there is some way how that person comes to you and reaches out to you. even if you’re distant. even if you’re not opening up to them as much. but you get so delusional that you do open up and forget to protect yourself. like a fool. it’s not their fault, it’s yours. why are you clingy? why do you need to be reassured all the time? why do you want to know every bit about them? why do you tell them about yourself, probably being annoying and just yapping nonsense? why do you get upset when they get closer to other people? they ghost you, so? are they sick of you? why do you hide your actual emotions when they do not inform you about them hanging out with someone else, doing that thing that you two always did, not inviting you. why are you possessive but can’t stop them? why do you get so jealous and insecure that you just distance yourself? why are you such a coward to confront them? because it’s all your fault, not theirs.

you do everything for them but you’ll never on the receiving end. you say it’s fine. but is it really? is it really just a lot to ask for someone who cares enough? is it a lot to ask to just be left alone, because you prefer solitude over false hope, promises and expectation to prevent yourself getting hurt? because life throws you everything against it. you can’t stay alone, you can’t stay together.

and that really just hurts, it stings like crazy.

it’s like you’re trapped inside a stupid box and 4 walls and you just can’t get out. you can’t breathe— at all.

but again it’s you who’s wrong.

it’s always been you, and you can’t change it, despite you wanting to so badly.

i don’t know if the person who i’m talking about, will read this or not. i hope it’s the latter. it is very frustrating and i’d rather just be by myself instead of expecting false scenarios.

so yeah, hehe, that was a lot, lmao. ㅠㅠ

kinda feel a bit lighter after putting this out. this is honestly the only place i felt sharing and comfortable with right now. thank you my tumblr people, hehe.

anyway, if you did read, thank you so much for caring or just scrolling. i appreciate you, i love you, please love yourself too. you’re important, and you really matter. even if you don’t realise it. don’t make anyone else change that. find the one, or don’t. it doesn’t matter because at the end it’s really you against the world.

sorry for the random ass yapping😭 also thank you for 200+ follows??? i literally had just crossed like 100 last two weeks or something. enjoy reading, have a good day, love!

[typingatlightspeed]

hey if you're still taking requests could you write something about the defense trio having a chill day and hanging out? I need to see them interact more :>

TF2 Fanfic - Alley Cats

Defense goes bowling. Surely there's no way they could get weirdly competitive about that, right?

Ao3 Link!

I hope you enjoy, Bo! :D

---------

The crash of pins scattering and a heavy urethane ball slamming into the back wall of the lane resounded through the bowling alley, quickly followed by the whooping of two men. Several other bowlers looked over in alarm. The attendant working at the front desk spared them a look and a frown, then went back to the novel she was reading.

"Steee-rike!" Engineer cheered, applauding as Heavy walked back from the lane, shaking the pain out of his hand. "Hell of an opener, Big Guy!"

"Fingers hurt," Heavy grumbled, flexing his hand. "Tiny baby ball holes are too small."

"It's the biggest ball with the biggest holes in the whole alley," Demoman chided, pulling his feet down and slowly shoving himself to his feet as the pin setter readied his turn.

"Holes are too small," Heavy insisted with annoyance.

"Explains why you chuck that ball like you caught it fuckin' your sister," Engineer chuckled.

Heavy stared at him, not understanding the comparison. His first response upon catching someone fucking his sister would be to leave the room in a flurry of embarrassment, not to put his fingers in the man and throw him.

With a thump, Heavy's ball was ejected out of the ball return, a scuff on it where it had collided with the back wall.

"Aye, well have a seat and watch a true master at work, then," Demoman bragged, taking hold of his ball and swaggering up to the approach. "Heavy may have the power, but I've the finesse!"

"That what you're callin' it?"

"Laugh all ye like, lad. Right until yer cryin!" With that Demoman took his stance, eyed up his target, and strode to the line with the confidence of a man who had hit the bar immediately upon entering the alley, while his mates handled requesting a lane and shoe rentals.

He wound up and released the ball, his form perfect, his execution flawless. The ball zoomed straight down the lane and collided dead on.

With the ten pin. And nothing else.

His teammates burst into laughter, Heavy slapping his knee and shaking his head as Engineer held his gut in pain from the sheer force of his mirth.

"You were right, Demo! I am cryin'!" Engineer barely managed to say between guffaws, wiping at his eyes which were, indeed, tearing up.

Demoman stood there, sagging, staring down the lane ruefully at that single pin as it spun into the gutter. Apparently the guide dots weren't as helpful in compensating for his single eye as he'd thought. Or he'd misjudged how limp his wrists got once he'd had a few.

He'd never admit that part aloud.

With a snort, he turned on his heel and stalked back to the ball return, pointedly ignoring his companions' slowly dying giggles, and took up his ball once again. Wordlessly, he returned to the approach, and with yet another display of perfect form, sent the ball straight down the lane once again.

This time, he hit his mark, picking up the spare with a sigh of relief. He'd never live it down if he'd cocked up the second half of the frame after all of that bragging. With a nod of satisfaction, he spun and loped back to his seat, kicking his feet back up. "Just needed tae calibrate, is all."

"Not bad," Heavy conceded with a nod, his lips curling into a smirk in spite of himself.

"You fellers ain't seen nothin' yet. Prepare to watch how a Conagher hunts turkeys," Engineer said, pushing himself to his feet and ambling easily over to the ball return with a crooked grin across his face.

"Ye gonnae bowl left handed, then? Or is this a tech demonstration for that Gunslinger under yer glove?" Demoman and Heavy shared a knowing look.

Engineer's mouth drew into a straight line as he froze, about to reach for the ball with his gloved right hand. Well shit.

"I think lowest score should buy drinks at alley bar," Heavy hummed, twisting the knife.

Dammit.

"Aye, I'm in!" Demoman agreed. They both turned to Engineer, grinning like a pair of cats ready to pounce on a one-legged mouse.

Seizing the ball with his left hand, Engineer let out a long sigh. Heavy didn't drink much, at least. Demoman, on the other hand?

"It's a bet."

The joke on them was that he'd spent all the cash he'd brought on the shoe rental.

[vaguely-concerned]

I’m on a Star Wars books roll so here we go with my — unhinged thanks for asking! — thoughts on Dooku: Jedi Lost, specifically the audio play. Short version: I fucking loved this one! For maximum emotional devastation, pair with Master and Apprentice and Padawan the way my stupid ass did and then be sad about it forever I guess that's what I’m going to have to do.

 Long (LONG oopsie) version:

- So. First of all, let’s get the most important thing out of the way on this here old man yaoi website. We all agree dooku and sifo dyas explored each other’s bodies right. Or at least definitely would have if not for the laws of this order etc., potentially. That’s not just me. Good. Thank you. We can now move on 

- Secondly. Well. Guess I’m just going to be inconsolable about Sifo-Dyas forever now. I miss the days in which he was just a throwaway line in AotC spawned by a random misspelling to me, rather than an eternal raw aching wound in my heart

- poor poor ventress just reading through all the proof that dooku absolutely does have it in him to be a good dad I mean master and just — idk got tired of that and went the force lightning route with her. I love the move of having her dead master hang out with her all that time as well (having her slip up and refer to ‘us’ did something to me, god this is so sad. Is he actually there in spirit or is it just her grief dreaming him up because dooku is awful and cold as a cliff  wall and she needs some kind of attachment figure even if she’ll have to reinvent him herself, rebuild him word for word, gesture by gesture. Pain. sorry about your terrible track record with father figures asajj) 

- Lene: (About Averross): He hasn’t changed. 

Dooku: (In the warmest fondest voice you ever heard) And I hope he never does

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF? MUST I SET MYSELF ON FIRE TO ESCAPE THE PAIN???

Another strong showing for Rael in general, btw. He’s so warm and charming as a presence even though he’s also a little chaos gremlin. (He’s quite similar to how Sifo-Dyas was when he was young in some ways, I can definitely start to see what Dooku responds warmly to in terms of character traits.) 

- the fact that good ol’ sheev showed an interest in rael, dooku and anakin… interesting huh! He’s just got a soft spot for the disaster lineage I suppose, maybe there’s an element there of luring yoda’s most direct lineage into the dirt with him without yoda even noticing for the longest time. Also cackling at the idea that he looked at qui-gon ‘too fucking stubborn and insufferable to fall to the dark side out of sheer spite’ jinn and went ‘...not that one tho’ fhdskjfa. And obi-wan is more like ‘that one blorbo all my little guys seem wild about but I just don’t get it guys’ 

IF rael’s refusal to join dooku at the end of ‘master and apprentice’ is the last word (which I am not convinced of ;___; be safe cowboy jedi we never see in mainline canon so far), then he’s the only one who has dodged palpatine’s attentions. Wonderful if true love that for him

ALSO rael is one of the few people we know to be on (or at least to consider himself on despite what palps might think lol) first name basis with palpatine. Hilarious. I concur with dooku never change rael 

- Sifo-Dyas: That’s insane. 

Dooku, deadpan: Yes.

Sifo-Dyas: The worst plan I’ve ever heard.

Dooku, somehow even more deadpan: Most probably. 

Sifo-Dyas: I’m in. 

Crying… weeping and dying………… what if someone could have helped sifo with his unfortunate prophecy propensity and they hadn’t drifted apart. Clone Wars averted methinks if dooku still ended up leaving the order he would have been too busy having tender gay sex with the love of his life (and only person who can call him out on his shit and have him actually listen) to be a war criminal (I am being extremely facetious of course this is very much a ‘time traveler killing baby hitler’ situation where the underlying forces causing this point in history are way too powerful to avert the catastrophe in one move. but at least palps would probably have had to pick someone else to wreck the galaxy through and sifo-dyas would be kissed & held instead of going slowly mad. A net plus some (I, me) would say) 

- I just wanted to applaud both the writing and the voice acting for the characterization of Dooku in this, from his young self trying so hard to be haughty and self-possessed but also being like, y’know, twelve and a dweeb and easy for Sifo-Dyas to pull into trouble, to the dry wit and warmth he shows with Rael and Qui-Gon or his sister later. It took me a little while to get into the voice acting specifically (the actor makes no attempt at going the full Christopher Lee, which in hindsight was probably wise), but now I love it. It gets a bit goofy in places but you know what, I am a long time lover of audio plays, that’s part of the charm 

- “Master, have I done something wrong?”

My heart is clenching… do you think… that master yoda’s deal with leaving his student to try fucking everything to have some kind of relationship with him until he just breaks down in tears of despair… is the kind of thing that maybe started a little bit of a generational trauma cartwheel through the ages. The point that bb!dooku is arrogant isn’t without merit and he strikes out incredibly ungracefully about it (in fact I would be a lot more worried than yoda seems to be that he decides to try to kill a tree about it, ‘I felt like destroying something beautiful’-style)  but I just don’t think a… fourteen year old? A teen anyway, Is going to learn what you think he learns from this. I simply don’t believe that silent treatmenting kids will teach them emotional intelligence I guess especially if they already struggle with that naturally lol 

(It is exactly the same mistake (in my opinion) that Qui-Gon makes with Obi-Wan, too, just leaving the kid completely alone and forcing them to come to you every which way for comfort or guidance instead of meeting them or reaching out to them. Especially once you see that really Dooku’s prime emotion/big core wound right from the beginning is loneliness. And that doesn’t only come from a feeling of superiority (which to be sure is also a big factor), because he has no idea where he comes from until he meets his sister. I don’t think the jedi as a whole were unsalvageable by any stretch of the imagination, but Yoda specifically… you are on such very thin ice with me at this point you little green fuck. You’re very funny and moving in yoda dark rendezvous and that’s all that’s keeping you in my somewhat good graces.)

- Okay, coming back a bit later I think I’ve found the right words to say this. more precisely dooku has two big issues which you can later see haunting all the way down his lineage — loneliness and control. (and not incidentally the intersecting elements of the two haha.) We see from his relationship to sifo-dyas that he’s not incapable of having close mutual relationships with an equal, but that kind of crashed and burned for reasons neither of them could really help and after that it seems quite telling that he has the easiest time with deeper connection in a teacher-student sort of form. I think his affection is unconditional and real, but you can’t get away from the fact that he also has the most control in that relationship structure by default, he gets to dictate what form it takes to a big extent. He doesn’t trust other people — the underlying idea ‘Only I can do this’ that eventually leads him down the Separatist path is there the whole way. It speaks both to a sense of superiority and an utter lack of faith that other people can or will help him. And then that echoes down through the master-padawan line: 

Qui-Gon with his self-righteousness and utter refusal to compromise leaving him isolated among the jedi (only he is right. Yeah the Force told him so. Don’t worry I’ve got a permit *insert parks and rec I can do whatever I want meme here*), Obi-Wan with his anxiety and perfectionism and incredible sense of shame and responsibility that he should be able to carry the whole world on his shoulders alone and beating himself up for failing, all feeding into not knowing what to do with Anakin and his complete lack of control of himself and his desperation to gain and maintain connection and love (which earns him the title of ‘Dooku’s least favorite family member’ fhdsa his immediate disdain for him is so funny and so in character. Repress and go slowly mad like a normal person anakin the way you’re carrying on is just undignified and that is much worse than being evil)… 

- Rael gently telling Dooku to take on another padawan soon… so sweet, so sad, local cowboy jedi looking out for his dad. Also highlights something about Dooku I think is true: that he does much better and seems to have an easier time holding to the light when he’s responsible for someone else. Again, I do feel like Dooku’s core problem is loneliness, but it seems like raising kids is the one point where that relaxes somewhat. Maybe if Sifo-Dyas had stayed in a better mental place and they kept in touch it could have been different.

- Lene Kostana is SUCH a character! Charismatic and deeply fucked up, when it’s revealed how her and Sifo-Dyas’ relationship remains long after his padawan stage is done I felt a little bit sick, to my surprise. Because that could just be kindness on her part, of course, it’s good that he has someone he trusts to look after him when he can’t himself, but also there’s something… queasy about the way it keeps him continually young, in a way. (Notably he still calls her ‘master’ even as an adult, when they’re working together. Not uncommon in Star Wars, of course, but together with everything else going on vibes-wise… hm.) The inherent unreliable narration of this story really worked for me in this regard especially — do we know that young Dooku was entirely wrong when he sensed the dark side in her? She certainly is willing to go to lengths that are… worrying! in her fascination with sith shit, she tempted children into a dangerous place they didn’t understand and couldn’t know the consequences of and she continually puts sifo-dyas in situations that are implied to be a risk to worsening his condition. Run of the mill incredibly irresponsible at best, sincerely sinister at worst. Did she choose Sifo over Dooku because he’s more vulnerable and shapeable? There is an undercurrent of something icky and emotionally incest-y going on with how she relates to Dooku and Sifo-Dyas in general (right down to the ‘NO, no one can know about this’ intensity after the… evil moss cave. I can’t believe I’m this emotional about a book with an evil moss cave). I don’t think she’s a proper sith in any way and I also believe there is real affection there on all sides, but idk something about the whole thing makes me deeply uneasy. Yoda where the fuck are you your son is out there with his irresponsible mom again they’re looking for dirty needles in haystacks and they’re not even wearing any gloves

- dooku telling sifo-dyas he can come back to haunt him if he likes as a joke… well well well I’m sure that doesn’t ring with some dramatic irony at some point down the line lmao

- honestly looking back at master and apprentice after reading jedi lost makes qui-gon's apparent lack of reaction to dooku leaving seem — let's call it highly suspect haha. rael asks him if he's spoken to dooku after and qui-gon is like 'no. why would I. it's literally fine. anyway this topic is done now'. (and rael seems to just go ‘*older brotherly knowing* uh-huh’) meanwhile he's thinking about dooku *all the time* trying to figure out his role as master to obi-wan, thinking about being a padawan himself, the parts of his life he shared with both dooku and rael. The jedi doth protest too much methinks  

ALSO how much of qui-gon thinking the council was too lenient with rael after he had to kill his padawan is about that actual situation, and how much is a ‘our family still likes my older brother more than me even though he Fucked Up so bad and breaks just as many rules as I do’ sort of deal mixed with his own neuroses about how he’s failing obi-wan (to which rael’s situation symbolizes the worst possible outcome, i.e. the kid dies and it’s basically your fault). Many thoughts. 

- moment of silence for jenza of house serenno. Girl your only sin was being surrounded by asshole male family members and I’m so sorry I think you did all you could with what you had to work with here.

Not… entirely sure how dooku’s claim to the title supersedes hers — is he a year older than her? (she’s eleven when they first meet, he might be twelve or older at that point I don’t remember haha) Does she just give up her place in the inheritance order? Are primogeniture and male heir preference factors in Serenno inheritance law? Not the most important thing honestly it works anyway thematically but could have been clarified quickly!

- interesting to see that the council’s restrictive policy against engaging with prophecies had a surprisingly big impact on how things went down. Kostana has a lot of responsibility in Sifo’s fate for insisting he keep it secret, but there is genuine fear for what might become of him if the rest of the order finds out he’s got 24/7 futurevision hovering over him threateningly… listen it’s not like the poor guy can help getting the future constantly pumped into his brain at nightmare resolutions, I think maybe if there had been more willingness to at least engage curiously with the concept of prophecy and how it works, even if you don’t put your faith in the particulars of what the prophecies say, this wouldn’t have had to be such a shitty isolated secretive life for him. hearing him slowly fall apart over the years considering how bright and lovely he started out... oof is all I can say 

- when dooku was a good jedi he was such a good jedi!!! The scene where they’re saving the kids from the collapsing hospital, every time he teaches his students anything…the impulse of someone has to do something about this! that made him so good at saving lives turning dark with the tarnish of frustration and rage over the years… nooooooooo problematic grandpa why did it have to be like this :(

- …do you think infant jedi can sense what’s going on around them in the Force. Because it makes a very sad kind of sense if dooku on some level remembers bodily or in the Force that he was not only abandoned but rejected in disgust as one of the first things he discovered in the world. Oh boy. With all the ways attachment relationships can go wonky in the first few years in real life I don’t even want to consider how much more wrong it can go when the baby is fucking psychic lol

- vaguely related: the way dooku seems to find the very idea of being truly reliant on anyone, emotionally or otherwise, personally offensive, terrifying and humiliating lol. Yoda saves him from being crushed by rubble and he is outraged because that means he can’t save himself (and his newfound sister) without anyone’s help like he thought for one glorious moment he could. The fantasy of perfect emotional self-sufficiency, doing away with all the messiness and risk of interpersonal relationships and cutting off the possibility of really being abandoned again. It’ll get ya every time. This is also a thing you see reflected in his lineage — they’re all quite inward-turning that way until you get to anakin, to different extents and with varying presentations but it is there I think. Qui-Gon turns to the Force, Obi-Wan to perfectionism and shame and rumination, Rael to the bottle and depression and hedonistic apathy, but they all struggle hugely with letting anyone in to help them. Dooku’s line are all much more comfortable being the helpers rather than the helpees, as it were.  

- “Thank you for everything, Lene. Tell Rael and Qui-Gon — tell them… tell them the Force will be with them, always”

Emotional terrorism against me specifically and personally. You asshole you just excused yourself from the non-attachment rules there’s literally nothing in the world except you to stop you from reaching out and telling your children you love them yOURSELF why are you like this

- the recurring theme of dooku seeing something beautiful (the tree in the temple, the tirra’taka as a child and an adult) and ending up lashing out to destroy it… but the tree was old and mighty and he was young and new and couldn’t truly harm it, so he was saved from his own impulsivity. And then when he sees the tirra’taka as an adult he loves it immediately. And in the end he still mangles and destroys it. He didn’t mean to, but he did. He woke it up and hurt it just by existing as a child and then he had to kill it as a mercy because he was too powerful at that point for anything to buffer his mistakes. The parallel with the bird he loved that he also couldn’t protect. He starts out with an aching loneliness somewhere at the core of him through no real fault of his own but by the end it is entirely his own fault that it’s worse, because he starts wrecking everything he loves in an almost absent-minded but definitely intentional way, like it’s a nightmare he’s listening to through the door as it happens in the next room over. He really IS the ‘I just felt like destroying something beautiful’ central of the jedi.

at the end qui-gon is dead and through dooku’s own influence, however indirectly. Rael has had to turn away from him. Sifo-Dyas is dead on Dooku’s own orders and so is his sister, he might as well have done it with his own hands. (though I think it’s very interesting that in each case he didn’t do it with his own hands, he consistently uses a middleman.) He lives within the coldness of his sterile empty castle and horrifically mistreats the one person he might have found something like connection with the way he did with his students before (Ventress), deliberately trapping her in a similar state of utter desolate isolation and telling her, essentially, ‘We’re like this as people and nothing can be done to change it. We can’t escape, we’re already doomed, stop trying, it’s too late. You are just like me (and if you aren't already I'll make you like me)’. And that’s the closest thing he gets to love anymore. When he accused Ky of using her ‘as a salve for his own loneliness’ and you’re like well well well mr projection man how’s that working out for you. He is completely, shatteringly alone and he is so entirely as a consequence of his own actions and he's too far gone to understand or care. I’m howling you useless fucking FOOL dooku  

- dooku 🤝 john gaius

“Hm. I have observed that there are in fact many flaws in our society and the government is deeply corrupt. So if I kill a few billion people here and there in order to fix it, is that not basically okay when you really think about it” 

Dooku making salient points about the political and ethical failures of the Republic and then, just when you think he’s onto something, he goes and makes The wildest fucking decisions about what to do about it. Sure. dark magic and genocide are probably the only ways out of this you’re so right bro. If we make enough minuses to add together surely we’ll end up in plus sooner or later

- *head in my hands once more* I can’t believe I am genuinely emotionally invested in someone called Count Dooku with the looks of a knockoff dracula and ultimate moral character to match right now this is terrible. hey. hey dooks. what you have to go and fuck everything up so bad for huh I’m so incredibly sad now

there is something to be said about how getting to see glimpses of what dooku looked like in the light makes it so much more heartwrenching that he never came back. he could have, a thousand times. and every time he chose not to.

[strniohoeee]

Paramour Pt. 2

Pairing: Chris Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Y/N and Dominic head over to the triplets house for Madi’s birthday party. Reader and Chris express some heated words, and Chris is hurt by them. So what happens when someone can’t keep a secret, and things take a turn for the worst?🗣️

Warnings⚠️:. Fighting?? Chaos?? And just all around crazy shit🫢

Song for the imagine: Unfaithful- Rihanna

Read part 1 here

And to him, I just can’t be true

And I know that he knows I’m unfaithful

And it kills him inside

To know that I am happy with some other guy

I can see him dying

The last time I had any contact with Chris was exactly a week ago when I fell asleep in his arms, and awoke to an empty bed. I knew it was too good to be true. Shamelessly I got dressed, grabbing my stuff and headed home.

The only thing that started to stress me out was Dominic. He started looking at me weirdly, asking me weird questions and wanting to be with me every second of the day. His suspicions stopped when I spent every second of every day with him. Not by want or choice, but because Chris hadn’t contacted me again.

Dominic loosened up on me, but I knew he was still onto me. I had to tread carefully because any little slip up, and it would be over. This made me anxious and I think he took notice of this.

Today was Madi’s birthday party at the triplets house, and of course he wanted to come with me. He was actually friends with Matt, so this made it a bit dicey. On edge since the morning, but trying to play it cool.

“You almost ready babe?” He called out from my living room

“Yeah baby! One moment” I yelled back

I looked in the mirror and finished with my hair, makeup and outfit. But not liking the reflection looking back at me. I was upset with myself, but not upset because I was cheating. I was upset that I couldn’t keep Chris for myself. I was a piece of shit honestly.

I walked out to the living room showing Dominic my outfit.

“Looking good as always” he would say

A compliment I was tired of hearing. Chris would call me beautiful, gorgeous, a goddess, his beautiful, beautiful Y/N. All I got from Dom was a “looking good”…..whatever

“Thank you” I said giving him a weak smile

I grabbed Madi’s gift, and we walked out to his car. Hopping in as we started to head over. I lived 40 minutes from the triplets, and the whole ride my thoughts were racing. Having to act nonchalant with Chris like we didn’t just fuck a week ago.

“You okay?” Dom asked me

“What? Oh uh yeah I’m good” I said snapping out of it

“You seem anxious” he said

“Me anxious? Why do you say that?” I asked getting more nervous

“You’re rubbing your left ear, only something you do when you’re anxious” he said

This set me back. This was the first thing Chris noticed about me after a while of hanging out. I would rub my left ear when I was nervous and he would always laugh at me for it. In this moment when I needed to be serious all I could think about was my Christopher

“Oh well you know get togethers, they make me a little nervous” I said laughing

“I didn’t know that” he said looking over at me

“Oh? Well now you do” I said smiling at him

We engaged in a few conversations here and there, and before I knew it we pulled up to the triplets house, and it looked like we were the last ones to get there….fuck my life

We walked in and up the stairs everyone immediately turning to us

“Heyyyy” Nick called out over the music

“Hi guys” I said waving at them

We walked into the kitchen where they were all standing and talking. I walked up to Madi first giving her a hug as Dom said hi to Nick and Matt first

I handed her her gift and she thanked me as we chatted a bit.

Chris came up to me poking my side

“Hey stranger long time no see” he said opening his arms for a hug

What a player I laughed to myself

“Hi Chris” I said hugging him

Dominic walked over

“Yooo Chris” he said dabbing him up

God this was so painfully awkward to see in person….

“Dominic what’s up” he said smiling in his face like he wasn’t fucking me last week

“Nothing much, how you been man it’s been a while” he said

“Oh I been good you know just filming and hanging out with friends” he said

I slithered away and made my rounds to everyone else hugging them. Saying hi and giving hugs to Nick, Matt, Tril, Larray, Madi’s mom, Nate, Justin, Mary Lou and Jimmy…the whole fucking crew for Madi’s party

“Ohh Y/N we haven’t seen you in so long” Mary Lou said pulling me in for a tight hug

“I knowwwww I haven’t been to Boston in so long” I said

“It’s so good to see you again” she said pulling away

“Yes it’s great to see you guys doing well” I said looking at her and Jimmy

We had all talked and laughed. Just all catching up and having a great time for Madi’s party.

Mary Lou and Laura were in the kitchen setting up an extra table to connect to the other one, and preparing the food.

I went upstairs to use the restroom. But also I really needed a break from everyone. My mind was flooded with so many anxious thoughts. I had a bad feeling about today, and I couldn’t shake it off. I really wanted to leave, but we had just got here

As I left the bathroom and turned off the light Chris came around the corner. Scaring me

“Oh shit you scared me” I said letting out a breath of air

“Oh I didn’t mean to” he said smiling at me

“So uh…how’s it going” I said trying to break the awkwardness

“How’s it going? Really” he said laughing

“Sorry this is awkward for me okay” I said looking at him

“Come down to my room for a bit” he said pulling me in

“Chris no! We have to stop” I said pulling his hands off of me

“Why? Don’t you want this?” He said looking at me confused

“Chris I don’t know what I want okay” I said scoffing

“Yes you do” he replied

“Listen we can’t keep doing this okay” I told him looking him in the eyes

“Why not?” He says pulling me in again

“Stop okay! You’re hurting me, I’m hurting you, and we’re hurting Dominic” I said roughly pulling his hands off of me

“Oh come on baby you know it’s not like that” he said

“We can’t keep doing this. You had me and you didn’t want me and you dropped me” I said stepping back

“But I want you now” he said reaching out to grab me again

“No okay! You can’t just pick and choose when you want me. I’m tired of running into your arms every other week. This is bad…very bad for my relationship” I said shaking my head

“What made you change? We've been doing this for so long?” He said stepping back

“I just…” I couldn’t spit it out

“Huh?” He said sticking his head out

“I can’t keep doing this because it’s you who I want, and I can’t have you because you don’t want me. This is done whatever we had going on is over” I said

“Don’t be like that” he said getting upset

“Chris! It is over okay” I said getting upset

His demeanor changed, no longer his sweet face, but an angry one. He scoffs and goes to respond when Dominic appears

“Oh there you are!” He said looking at us

“Everything alright?” He says looking at Chris

“Yeah everything’s alright” I said

“We were just having a bit of an argument” Chris says giving him a fake smile

“Oh?” Dom says cocking his head to the side

“Yeah Chris is an idiot” I said pulling Dominic with me as we walked downstairs

A little more time passed, and Chris kept shooting daggers into my head from beside me. I however was ignoring his gaze as my anxiety began to spike.

“Alright dinners done” Laura called out

We all made our way to the table picking our seats

I of course sat next to Dominic, and Chris sat diagonally from me in front of Dom. I felt his stares and I tried to ignore him.

We were all eating with occasional conversations. I looked at Madi who was seated in front of me.

“Are you doing anything else for your birthday?” I asked her

“As of right now I’m not too sure my mom has something special planned so she says” Madi says to me

“Ohhh fun, and how about that guy you were seeing?” I asked her

“well I’m still seeing him, but nothing crazy, but there’s another guy I’m also seeing” she said laughing

“Ouuu I see! Got your options” i said laughing

“I know someone like that” Chris says looking at me

My eyes widening slightly at him

“Except she has a boyfriend and is messing around with a guy, so at least you Madi aren’t seeing a guy who has a girl” Chris goes on to state as he looks over at Madi

“Oh yeah I would never” she says laughing

If there’s a god out there, and if so God, if you can hear me…take me out right now I plead in my head

“Right isn’t that crazy like just break up with the guy” he says taking a sip of his drink

I really wanted to strangle him right now, but I kept my composure

“You know I had an ex like that” Dominic says to Chris

“Ohhhh really?” He says his eyes lighting up as he sits up in his seat

“Yeah, I couldn’t figure out why she would do such a thing” he said shaking his head

“I wonder why? You seem like an amazing guy” Chris says smiling as he nods his head at him

“Yeahhh but it’s alright I got Y/N, and she’s amazing” he says looking over at me and nudging me with his elbow

I look over at him taking a sip of my drink as I nod at him.

“Oh yeah I’m sure Y/N is the best” Chris said

“She really is” he responded back

Whoever has my voodoo doll right now stab it in the fucking eyes. Take me out of my misery already. This was going to go down hill I could already tell.

“Chr- Dominic! Could you uh pass me a piece of bread” I said clearing my throat really hoping my slip up fell on deaf ears, but I know they didn’t. Chris eyes glanced over at me and he lightly chuckled

Dom gave me a quick Look before passing me a piece of bread

“Thank you baby” I said smiling at him

He just nodded at me, his gaze lingering on me before going back to eating.

“So Y/N how have you been?” Mary Lou asks me

“Oh I’ve been good you know just working” I said smiling at her

“Oh I bet Chris has been telling me all about it” she says

I blink slowly trying to think of how to respond, while Dominic looks over at me in a questionable manner

“Really?” I said through my teeth

“Yeah! I’m so glad you guys are hanging out again” she states

Chris is looking down in embarrassment as he shoves food in his mouth

“Hanging out?” Dominic says looking over at me

“Well yeah you know I hang out with them all the time” I say to him

“Yeah he told me about how you guys saw Barbie and he cried” she said laughing

“You saw Barbie with Chris? You told me you went to see it with Courtney” Dom says fully turning to look at me

The kitchen going dead silent, I swear everyone could hear my heart beating out of my chest

“Oh uhh I saw it two times” I said

“What’s going on here?” He says looking between the both of us

“NOTHING” we both shout at the same time

“Are you….are you seeing Chris?” He asks me laughing

“What?” I said taking a sip of water

“You’re seeing Chris aren’t you” he says standing up

“No, no I’m not” I said looking up at him

“Are you having sex with my girl?” He suddenly turns to ask Chris

“DOM! Don’t be irrational” I said pulling at his arm

“No! Shut up” he says to me

“HEY DONT SAY THAT” everyone practically yells at him

“Are you two fucking? I’m going to ask one last time” he says looking at me

“You can not ask such a thing” I said shaking my head at him

“You piece of shit” he says looking at Chris

“Dom don’t! This isn’t his fault” I said looking at him

“Oh my god….you fucked Chris? You cheated on me?” He says running his hands through his hair

“I..” the words couldn’t even come out of my mouth

“How long?” He asks us

“We should go” I said standing up again

“HOW LONG” he yells

“Let’s leave now” I say pushing him back to walk out of the kitchen

“A year” Chris blurts out

Dom and I both stop and look over at Chris

“A year?” Dom says laughing

“Dom listen” I began to say

“A FUCKING YEAR? YOUVE BEEN CHEATING ON ME FOR A YEAR….” He says walking away and runni. His hands through his hair

“Dom please listen to me okay” I say trying to plead with him

“I can’t” he says rubbing his hands on his face

I turn around and look at Chris

“What have you done” I said looking at him

“I can’t hide this anymore” he responded

“This is not how it was supposed to go” I said

My world was crumbling and I had an audience to watch….how embarrassing

“I’m going to kill him” Dom says quietly

“We need to leave now” I said to Dom

“Don’t forget to take your black lace thong with you…you left it last week” Chris says with a smug expression

Oh my god….

“I’m gonna fucking KILL HIM” Dom yells

“STOP IT” I yelled pushing him back

“YOURE RUINING THE PARTY YOU ASSHOLE” I said to him

“I’m ruining the party? You been fucking Chris for a YEAR” he says yelling the last part

“And she loved every minute of it” Chris says standing up

“STOP” I yelled looking over at Chris

Next thing I know Dom pushed me out of the way and charged over to Chris. Everyone trying to hold him back, but he broke free

He shoved Chris

“You think youre hot shit for fucking my girl” he said

“Listen she wanted it” he says shrugging his shoulders

Next thing I know, Dom's fist connected with Chris' nose. Sending him back a few feet

“Dominic stop this” I plead trying to get to him

Chris immediately starts punching Dom and a huge brawl breaks out

What have I done….this was not how it was supposed to go

Everyone screaming for them to stop as the guys tried to pull them apart

They were scuffling on the floor, and all that could be heard was screaming, cursing and things falling down

“Get off of him” Matt started to say

Somehow they got back up and Chris slammed him onto the table. Glass breaking and dishes falling to the floor.

I have never wanted to disappear more than now

“Madi I’m so sorry” I say looking over at her

“Don’t worry about it” she says pulling me in

“I fucked up big time” I said looking at her

“Listen this is free entertainment okay” she says giving me a reassuring smile

Finally the guys were able to separate them

“Fuck you” Chris yelled at him

“You’re a piece of shit. Going after a man’s girl” he says smugly

“That’s not how it went…ask your girl” Chris says spitting blood on the floor

“The fuck are you saying” Dom states back

“Y/N never wanted you. It’s me who she wants. She stayed with you because she pities you. Go on ask her” Chris says laughing at him

“Is this true?” Dom asked me

“I think you should leave” I said looking down

“Are you serious right now?” He says defeated

“Just go okay….go” I said looking at him

“I can’t believe you right now” he says scoffing at me

Jimmy and Justin get Dom outside, and I run over into the kitchen to clean up the mess

“I’m so sorry guys…I messed up badly and I ruined everything” I said picking up glass

“Listen Y/N you may have done the wrong thing, but you need to make this right” Laura said

“Well clean this, go check on Chris” Mary says giving me sad eyes

I nodded and walked down to Chris' room.

I heard him in the bathroom spitting blood into the sink

“I’m sorry” I said to him in a whisper

“This wasn’t your fault” he said looking at me through the mirror

“Yes it is, and it has been for the last year” I said walking into the bathroom fully

“I threw you under the bus, and that was wrong. I was just upset” he said spitting more blood out

“Don’t worry about that, let me clean you up” I said

Chris sat on the toilet after rinsing his mouth with water while I took out the first aid kit.

“Let me see” I said

I examined his face. His blue eyes casting brighter against the dark blood that was peppered along his skin.

I wiped the blood from his nose, and from his busted lip. Cleaning it with peroxide so that it wouldn’t burn.

His left under eye slowly becomes purple with a bruise.

“He got you good” I said looking at him

“I know” he says looking at me

“But you got him better” I said rubbing ointment on his bruise

“And I got to keep his girl” he replied laughing a bit

“Chris” I said looking at him with a blank expression

“Too soon?” He says laughing and then wincing at the pain from the busted lip

“Too soon” I said in a hushed tone

I looked down at his hands, his knuckles cut, bleeding ns bruised

I wiped his hands clean and cleaned them with peroxide.

“I guess I was just so tired of seeing you unhappy with him” he randomly blurts out

“So you caused a big scene?” I said looking into his eyes

“I suppose so” he replied

“I wanted to break up with him on my own time” I said to Chris

“Well I want you now, and I couldn’t wait for you to keep brushing it off” he said

“You want me?” I said wiping his knuckled again

“I was just so scared of commitment. It’s a Scary thing, you know. To give all your time and energy to someone, and they could turn around and vanish” he said in a whisper

“I wouldn’t do that to you” I said rubbing ointment on his knuckles

“I know that now” he said

“You were the only man I was ever 100% about, and when I couldn’t have you as my own. I settled for whatever part of you I could have. I used Dominic to fill that cold void of you not by my side, and the warmth would come back when I laid in your bed as you worshiped my body” I stated

“I have always been 100% about you, and I let my stupid thoughts get in the way. When I saw you with Dom I was hurt, and I was angry with myself for not realizing sooner that…” be cut himself off

“That what?” I said reading his eyes for an answer

“That I love you Y/N” he says looking into my eyes

“That I have loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. From the moment you walked into my life to the moment you walked out. Because I knew deep down you were the one for me” he says scanning my face

“I love you Chris” I said looking down at him

“The love I had for you caused me pain and pleasure all at once. To know that I had you, and I let you slip right through my fingers. I should’ve fought for us harder” I said closing the first aid kit

“It was I who should’ve fought for us” he said standing up

“I love you Christopher” I said looking up at him

“And I love you Y/N” he says

Chris pulled me in, rubbing his right thumb over my bottom lip. Looking at me really taking me in.

“My beautiful, beautiful Y/N” he whispers before crashing our lips together

This kiss was the last piece to my puzzle. He was my everything. His lips molded to mine in a way no others could.

Chris knew me and I knew him.

I was no longer a paramour, but a muse that would keep us going….I loved him with every fiber in my body

He was mine for all of eternity.

The End

Alrightttt part 2 hahahah! I hope you guys enjoyed this one as much as I enjoyed writing it!❤️❤️ I love yall sooooo much, and I’m so grateful for the support yall are amazing…much love 🤭🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

@rac00ns-are-c00l4 @slumpedvioooo

[tender-rosiey]

If the promote requests are still open,could I please request the ''it’s always been you'' kisses with Dazai :D ??

Thankkk youu!!

everlasting — dazai osamu x gn!reader

“y/n…?”

at the sound of your name being called, you look behind you and find dazai standing there. you also caught a glimpse of his hand that quickly retracted to his side; did he want to comfort you?

isn’t it pointless now? too late? so you wipe your tears and speak up, voice hoarse, “do you need something, dazai?”

he gets closer and you can’t find the power to back away from him even when you desperately want to. after all, you did say that you would move on from him and try to forget about your feelings.

but as your luck warranted, while you were chatting with yosano passionately about how you will move on and will definitely stop loving dazai, said man was outside of the door the entire time and heard every single word.

hence why you thought that it would be better if you started avoiding him first. you didn’t want to wait until he verbally rejected you or maybe even just avoid you as a way of conveying said rejection.

however, for some reason, you can’t decipher why dazai keeps on following you and trying to find you despite you clearly showing that you’re avoiding him.

all of that had happened throughout a week, and now, with the start of a new one, it seemed like he was still determined about finding you.

which brings us to now.

he, now, has you all alone on your favorite bridge, which he knew because you have mentioned that you find solace in this place, where you can’t escape to anywhere but the water. the water was too cold either ways so he was sure that you wouldn’t jump.

hopefully.

“do you really like me?” he asked softly and you couldn’t find it in you to look him in the eyes as you nod gently.

“but I will get over it soon so don’t worry,” you smile, but it barely reaches your eyes. meanwhile, dazai just sighs before slowly reaching for your hands and holding them in his own.

“I don’t need a rejection, dazai—“

“it’s always been you, you know that, right?”

you pause and look at him, bewildered so he continues, “no one has been on my mind as much as you are,” he takes a deep breath, “no matter how many people I see, my heart always has you in it.”

“despite my ever so impressive vocabulary, I can never find the words to describe just how much I feel for you.”

silence fills the air, after his confession. slowly, you look up at him, “why now? and if it really has always been me then why did you still flirt with others?”

“I tried to get over you, but it never worked,” he breathes out and you nod lightly, but look away which makes his heart ache, “y/n, believe me when I say that I really do love you.”

“then why didn’t you say anything? why did you opt to flirt with every woman you laid on?”

“I was…scared.”

scared of what? the answer hangs in the air so you take it upon yourself to tell your reason.

“I didn’t say anything because, from what I saw, you showed no interest in me whatsoever,” you speak up, stare hardening as you look at him once again.

“I didn’t do a good job on conveying my true feelings, forgive me…” he mumbles and you simply look at him.

it’s his turn to nod gloomily and to let go of your hands, “I can’t force you to accept me or give us a try, but I want you to know that my heart will always belong to you.”

you raise an eyebrow and he cuts you off, “I am not flattering you by any means,” a look of determination appears on his face as he takes your hand gently and places it on his heart.

for the first time, in all your years of knowing dazai, you feel his heart race and while he doesn’t have the red hue that normally paints the face of someone who is flustered, but his feelings are there.

you purse your lips then sigh, slowly wrapping your arms around him and burying your face in his chest, “if you hurt me, then I will torture you.”

“dying by your hands would be an honor,” he chuckles before embracing you. you start feeling pecks on your shoulder that slowly reach your cheeks.

“such beauty you have, belladonna,” he says pressing a kiss to your forehead and his hand reach your face and starts caressing your cheek, “inside and outside,” and he seals your lips together.

your own hand slowly moves to cup his cheek as well, and you feel him smile lightly through the kiss and you can’t help but do the same.

taglist: @magenta-cat-drawingss @pompompurin1028 @scul-pted @dazaisdeathwish @requiem626k @nameless-shrimp @shinys-bsd-world-1 @sonder-paradise @ravenina14 @jessbeinme15s-notebook @todorokichills @ginneko @missrown @shrynkk @simplyxsinned @beautiful-is-boring @bakugossanity @izukus-gf @irethepotato @thekaylahub @luciferspen @aeanya @sweetcloudsimp @moon-catto @waosobii

copyright © tender-rosiey

do not copy or plagiarize or i will hit you with a hanger

[mllemaenad]

So ... the stuff with the Emperor. I am somewhat twitchy about designating a group of people as always evil, especially since the game has noted that several races "used to be" considered evil, but now are not. But I can see illithids always being ... antagonistic, as a group, at best. Because they eat people. And unless they can stop eating people, having an illithid friend is always going to be problematic, even if they have no actual plans for world domination.

There's Omeluum, in the underdark, and while I would not say I've interacted with it enough to confirm it is what it says it is, there - at least at face value - is a "good" mind flayer. It's still very much eating people, though. Researching ways to stop doing that, and good for it, but still eating people. Eating "bad" people, sure, but defining "bad" and when being eaten alive would be a reasonable punishment for that is a whole other damn issue.

But the story the Emperor told me isn't ... quite adding up for me. Or else the lore isn't adding up.

From the start of the game, I assumed illithid infection was a matter of incubation. That is, the tadpole in your brain was a person unto itself, and it was going to both feed on you and use your body as a kind of trellis to grow to maturity. In True Souls, the growth was arrested, so no mind flayer was actually erupting out of a body, and the tadpole was consuming little if any brain matter. In the case of your party, even its influence was limited by the presence of the artifact, which turned out to hold an imprisoned githyanki with super powers.

That matched nicely with the things Lae'zel said about infections, about them consuming everything you were, and with the symptoms of infection as described: fever, memory loss, delirium. It sounded as though a person was being eaten alive.

But then the Emperor turns up and claims to be an adventurer who was transformed. It claims to be the same person it was it was before the infection. If true, that would mean that illithids were only "evil" because they themselves were mind controlled. Without that, they'd just be people with unfortunate dietary needs. And, well, we're still hanging out with Astarion for some reason, so this party does not have reasonable grounds to complain about that.

And it could be true. Sure. What do I know about illithids? Lae'zel's information could be wrong. We do know at least some of what she knows is more githyanki propaganda than truth.

Except.

Well, for a starters Withers makes a whole speech about mind flayers not having souls. Now - I don't even believe in souls, so that's not something I'd even consider without being prompted by the narrative. In any fantasy setting where ghosts and souls are assumed to exist, I tend to equate soul with person. If someone is talking to me, they've got a soul. Illithids possibly being terrible people is irrelevant to that question.

Under other circumstances, I'd dismiss this as simple prejudice. But one, this does seem to be Withers' area of expertise and two, it's presented as a plot point: the gods should be attempting to gather souls, but they are not, they are gathering soulless mind flayers who ought to be useless to them. It's weird enough to be worthy of comment.

If the Emperor were a human or elf or whatever, and was transformed into a mind flayer, then it ought to have a soul. Because if there's continuity of personhood, it wouldn't make sense for it to not have a soul.

And then there's the windmill horror. I went the wrong way when doing a quest hunting for lost letters, because I missed that the guy said west and assumed the trail of blood I found was related to the dead pigeons. I followed it to a windmill, picked the lock and went snooping. Inside was a newborn mind flayer - and I could ask it if it had been the one screaming. Its response? No, those were the dying screams of its vessel. It actually delighted in the anguish and terror of the man it emerged from. This wasn't a distressed person who had just undergone an unexpected species change. This was a wholly new person, with little sympathy for its vessel.

So ... barring the arrival of any new evidence that makes the Emperor somehow exempt from this, it does not seem as though it could be who it says it is. I mean - it's entirely possible it incubated in an adventurer. That's as likely as anything else. But every piece of information I can find apart from its story indicates that that adventurer died screaming, and a long time ago.

Which in turn means that this story seems like just as much a masquerade as the business of dressing up as something from the character creator.

"Hey, one of your allies is a friendly illithid!" would not necessarily make me suspicious. I mean - we've got a mummy that raises our souls for pocket change, a priestess who came back from the dead, and very frank demi-goddess, so sure, why not?

But these repeated attempts to convince me that it is in some sense not really an illithid? When every indication is that it is? That I do not trust at all.

[mayajadewrites]

Levi Ackerman x Reader - Almost

Chapter 3: Taste

Modern AU Levi Ackerman x Reader fanfic I've been dying to write! Levi is my latest hyper fixation so this was bound to happen. There will be other AOT characters in the mix, but remember this is a modern AU!

Chapter Summary: Levi stops in the coffee shop again to ask reader out on another date. We get a bit of Levi's POV and some backstory!

WARNING: SOME SMUT AHEAD

ao3 link

The next day you wake up with butterflies in your stomach and an intense feeling of anxiety in your body.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Your alarm read 6 AM. You have to be at work by 7, and you'll probably walk in to the 9-5 crowd.

To be honest, you barely slept. You kept replaying last night over and over in your head until you eventually nodded off to sleep. Seeing Levi's name on your phone screen made your heart soar, so you knew you needed to push your feelings down. Levi is not the type of man to show PDA, or even tell you he likes you.

From what you can tell, he definitely at least tolerates you.

As you got out of the shower, you saw your phone screen light up.

Levi: Good morning. I hope you slept well.

Levi Ackerman texts like an old man. But its cute.

You: Good morning, I slept like a baby. How did you sleep?

You lied. Obviously. You didn't sleep because you were too busy thinking about the very man you were texting.

Levi: I didn't.

You: ??? You didn't sleep?

Levi: No. I rarely do. I'll see you soon, brat.

It's not very surprising that Levi doesn't sleep much if at all, but that still worried you. Sleep is very important when it comes to basic life functioning, and you know Levi's life is filled with stress.

You put on your uniform and put your hair in a half up, half down style. One day when you own your own coffee shop, there won't be any uniforms.

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

"I can help who's next." You look up from the register, only to see your favorite pair of eyes.

"Medium black tea please." Levi peered through his jet black locks. His undercut looks freshly done, he must've done it after our date last night.

Date? Hang out?

"Will you ever try a new drink?" You smile at him, tapping the numbers in on the iPad.

"No. I like what I like and it hasn't done me wrong yet." Levi handed you his card in between his pointer and middle finger. "Are you busy this weekend?"

"I'm not actually. I have the weekend off." You slide his card and hand it back to him. "Any exciting plans for you?"

"Maybe." Levi shrugged, putting his card in his sleek wallet. "If you say yes."

This caught you off guard. Levi wanted to hang out again? So soon?

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕ LEVI ☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

I'm not good with communicating my emotions. That is unbearably obvious. I have never been the type to step out of my comfort zone and confess my true feelings to anyone.

This all started with my mother. Of course.

After witnessing her die, I did not want to speak ever again. She was everything to me. Not only was I a child, but I was an only child. A child is not supposed to lose their mom so early on in life.

I honestly rarely have feelings for anyone. I have... 2 friends. Erwin and Hange. So 1 and a half.

I currently see a therapist because I'm 30 years old and I'm getting the feeling that I want to be settled down soon. You know, kids and all that. I'm already a CEO, I have the house of my dreams, but I'm missing someone to share it with.

I've tried dating. No woman ever sticks. Either they just want sex, my money, or attention. They never want me.

When I met her, I felt a tingle in my chest. Seeing her face every morning and getting my tea for me gives me the same feeling every day.

So, my therapist told me to step up and ask her out.

It took me 6 months - but I did it.

Our date, if we want to call it that, since I'm not sure what she thought of it, went perfectly. Her personality meshes with mine in a way that it's written in novels. I can be rather dry with my sense of humor, but she gets it. She gets me.

I didn't kiss her last night, or even hug her, but God do I want to. I'm not sure if I get a taste of her if I'll ever be able to let go.

An image of her was playing over and over in my head as I was showering last night, her black dress clinging to her curves. Her thighs peeking out of her stockings drove me crazy. But I kept my composure.

Obviously, I had to relieve myself. In the shower. Thinking of her.

I haven't even touched her yet and she has me like this.

My therapist said that it's okay for me to feel this intensely, that it's 'normal'. Who even decides what's normal anyways?

I haven't told Hange or Erwin about her yet, and I don't plan too until if and when we decide to actually be together. I don't need their opinions or Hange's excitement rumbling in my ear.

"If you say yes." I sip my tea, looking at her. Her eyes were doe-like, which made the pit of my stomach feel hot.

"Let me know what you wanna do, I'm yours this weekend." She smiled, helping the next customer in line.

Does she know that my dick is hard right now because of what she just said? How little she just said?

I lifted my cup and left the cafe, heading towards my car to go to the office.

Bzzzzzz.

"Ackerman, can you come in earlier? A few people want to meet with you about a project they want you to fund." Hange almost screamed into the phone.

"4 eyes, I can hear you perfectly fine if you talk at a normal tone. Yeah, I'm on my way."

"Well I can't control the volume!"

"You actually can. Goodbye." I hung up, starting the car. I glanced at the window of the coffee shop, watching her smile at customers and hand them their drinks. Her smile warmed my cold heart, slowly defrosting the ice that encases it.

Does she know she's all I can think about?

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕ BRATTY BARISTA ☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

You cannot believe you just told Levi Ackerman you were his this weekend. Did he think you were a slut? Did he think you were gonna put out?

That thought left your brain when you remembered who you were talking about. Levi Ackerman is a gentleman before anything, which he's shown you.

You heard your coworker Nina call your name, who also happens to be one of your good friends.

"Did that fine ass man ask you out this weekend?!" She leaned against the counter, smiling. "I knew he wanted to get with you!"

"Yes, we went out last night too actually." A blush blessed your cheeks as you washed your hands.

"How was the short king? How were his lips?!"

"We didn't kiss." You looked at her, hoping she wouldn't drag the conversation further.

"What?! So was it even a date? I usually go way farther than a kiss on a first date-"

"Did you date Levi Ackerman?" You tilted your head, emphasizing Levi's name. "I'm not rushing anything. I enjoy his company."

"I'm just saying, he looks rather kissable."

"Obviously, Nina." Your eyes rolled so far they could've gotten stuck in the back of your head. "Trust me, I want to kiss him. I would love to jump his bones. I want to every time he walks in here."

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

After your shift, you were relieved you were off for the weekend. You worked the regular 8 hours today and needed to decompress from all of the customer service.

Bzzzzz.

Levi: I was thinking we could grab a coffee tomorrow morning and head to the flea market. Not a coffee from your job though. Thoughts?

Was this man in your head?

You: That sounds amazing, actually. What time is my chariot arriving?

Levi: 8 AM. Not like you're not used to seeing me early in the morning anyways.

You: Ay-ay captain.

You've never dealt with a man that made plans for you. The fact that Levi suggested quite literally your favorite morning activities for a date made you swoon.

You spent the rest of your afternoon/night cleaning your apartment and finishing the lastest novel you picked up. Nina sent you outfit inspo for tomorrow but you were not in the mood to show off your tits at 8AM.

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

Wakeup call was 6 AM so you could make sure you were ready for your Range Rover chariot to wisk you away. Your shower helped wake you up, even though your anxiety has kept you up most of the night.

You opted for a pair of straight leg barely ripped jeans, an oversized crewneck, and platform white converse. You accessorized with various layered necklaces and small gold hoop earrings.

Makeup with your usual small winged liner with glowy skin and glossy lips. By the time you were done with everything, it was 7:45. You sprayed your favorite marshmallow vanilla perfume before grabbing your purse and checking your phone.

Nina: Good luck today! Kiss those perfect lips!!

You: I'm about to send you a video of me rolling my eyes.

Bzzzzz.

Levi: I'm early again. Your chariot awaits.

You smiled at your phone, grabbing your coat. You saw Levi's car through your window, his eyes glued onto your door. Once you walked out, Levi got out of the car and opened the passenger door.

Levi was wearing a casual outfit himself, black jeans with a grey (cashmere?) sweater, and loafers. God, he smelled good too.

"Good morning." Levi closed your door, getting back in his seat. "You look cozy."

"Thank you, so do you." You smile at him, memorizing every inch of his face. You wanted to lean in and kiss him right then and there, but you did not want to make the first move.

You weren't going to.

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

Once you parked, you walked to a coffee shop that's in the midst of the flea market. Part of you wondered why one of the richest men in the city would shop at a flea market.

Levi pressed his hand to the small of your back, ushering you out of the coffee shop. His touch sent sparks up your body.

You and Levi strolled through the different vendors, sipping your drinks and talking. You caught Levi looking at your hand a little too much, especially when you threw out your cup.

More people started to show up to the flea market, causing the crowd to get larger. Levi looked more tense, darting his eyes at every exit.

"I didn't know it would get so crowded." You try to break his thoughts, looking up at him.

Levi took your hand in his, slowly intertwining his fingers with yours. "I don't wanna lose you." Levi said so casually. You know he meant he didn't want to lose you in the crowd, but you also felt that he meant that in another way.

"Do you want to get out of here and head to my apartment? It's getting too crowded to walk." You suggest, pressing your hand against his.

"Yes please."

You've learned that Levi Ackerman does not like crowds, partially because it forces him to do PDA.

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

You are thankful you cleaned your apartment yesterday. Everything was in it's place, and it smelled good. Not that it didn't usually, but you live alone so if you don't clean it, no one else will.

Levi took his shoes off at the door with you, taking in his surroundings.

"You have nice taste." Levi helped you take off your coat, hanging it in your closet.

"Thank you. I try." You smile, turning to face Levi. "Thank you for this morning." You inch closer to him, watching his eyes search your face.

"Thank you for every morning." Levi leaned in, bringing his hand to your cheek gently.

For what felt like years, you and Levi looked in each other's eyes. You had a full conversation with just your eyes.

Levi eliminated the space between you and pressed his lips to yours. His lips are pillow soft and taste like mint. You slowly wrap your arms around his neck, dragging your fingers along his undercut.

His lips moved in rhythm with yours, sliding his hands down your curves to your ass. You smile against his lips, pressing your chest to his.

"If you want to stop, I-" Levi pulled away, looking in your eyes.

"Levi, please." You almost whimper, bringing his lips back to yours. You lead your bodies to the couch, straddling Levi's waist. You open your mouth as he's kissing you, letting his tongue in. His fingertips softly dragged down your back, making sure to squeeze your ass every now and then.

His tongue slipped in your mouth, exploring every inch of it. You sucked on it gently as you felt your core start to pulsate, begging for attention.

Levi moaned quietly against your lips - you could barely hear it but it happened. Your hips started moving in rhythm, his erection pressing against his jeans.

Bzzzzzz. Bzzzzz. Bzzzz.

You pulled away from Levi, staring down at his pocket.

"I'm gonna kill whoever is calling me." Levi pulled his phone out of his pocket, rolling his eyes at the screen. "I'm sorry, it's Erwin. The President of Ackerman Inc. I have to take this, he doesn't usually call."

You nod and roll off of him, your core needy as fuck and your lips missing his.

[mars-ipan]

Romance pondering post response.

I am throwing things at the wall and I am not good with organizing things so good luck. You don't really need this but I wanted to say it anyways!

Human experiences and feelings are not binary and aren't always experienced the exact same. We do desperately try to categorize them or notice trends or experiences which are less common, though. A lot of people choose to commit to one person and don't feel romantically towards their friends, so they make a clear line. "Partner" is a concept, friend is a concept, things can oftwn fit in there, but sometimes you don't feel things binarily in that way because that isn't always how people work.

Romance may mean different things to different people. Commonly, you'll get that you feel strongly, butterflies in the stomach, care more about what they think, and most of all, want to do or have thoughts about doing romantic things with them. That's the common one you hear, at least!

I could describe what it's like for me, but that doesn't apply to everyone. Especially considering I can get plenty of feelings considered romantic/sexual towards people that I don't feel I have the intention or desire to date/be with in that way.

I suppose the thing that REALLY matters is what you want. I can figure out if I truly feel romantically towards someone by thinking about how comfortable I am with certain things with them or what I can imagine doing with them. There are other feelings as well but those can appear platonically as well. Of course, this can be different things (kissing, committing to each other, living together, certain names, maybe just how you want them to view you, a lot.) I assume alloromantic people can have different experiences too, but the way I see it is that they feel strongly AND have feelings/urges/desires related to romantic things that they don't get for or don't get as extremely for their friends.

If you are wondering "I don't understand romance, I get these for all of my friends," maybe you do experience "romantic feelings" in that way specifically. Maybe multiple feelings blend together.

I don't think it matters much as long as you can find what you want with others. You've already told me you want a queerplatonic relationship if you were in any type of romantic relationship. Is there someone you feel you would want to be especially close with, that you'd want to have a special role to you, or whatever else?

I am just thinking... I wanted to say this since I feel this way whenever I see people talk about this confusion. I had so many better ideas I forgot about, so I might not have gotten this across well.

i mean honestly this is the best and most “makes sense” explanation of it i’ve ever seen and it’s what i generally try to keep in mind, so i wouldn’t worry too hard abt whether you got across well ^_^ i gotcha! so true!

it’s so strange to me though….. do most people not get so happy they have to physically take a moment to calm down when their friends do nice things for them….. like i get excited to the point where my heart starts actively racing and i have to go “okay deep breaths… not dying” i get big big feelings

i like qprs a lot just because there isn’t really a set blueprint/framework for them. in a qpr it doesn’t matter if my feelings are platonic or romantic or both or a secret third thing, so long as i genuinely care for my partner and they genuinely care for me and we’re happy with the boundaries we have set. i like that a lot… i feel like romantic relationships have all these damn Rules about them and then i get way too in my head about whether or not i’m Playing The Game Right. when imo it should be more about the person. you can’t be in a qpr incorrectly bc they can look like anything, which i really like. also queerplatonic polyamory would rule i regularly fantasize abt living on the same street as a bunch of close friends and we all hang out all the time while still getting our own spaces… yeahgh i like that. but Alas that sorta thing stays in daydream land bc my “dating”(or similar commitments) pool is generally Pretty Small already and being someone who would prefer a qpr makes that Smaller. it’s funny tho i think outwardly if i were in a qpr it’d look very similar to a romantic relationship. i just wouldn’t call it that bc i don’t get that distinction methinks. as for whether there’s anyone i’d LIKE to be in a qpr with…. that’s a secret >vo~* as if i’d share squishes with the world…… no i take that shit to the grave unforchies

[writteninlunarlight-years]

Heya! I sent in a matchup request before but I kinda rambled off in it (and I think I was on anon too-) so imma try again and be less ramble-y 😅

For Hazbin Hotel please!

-------------

Gender/Pronouns: She/They AFAB

Sexuality: Asexual, questioning-aromantic who would date men/masc

Age: 25

Appearance: 5'11 White Australian with pale as fuck skin, blue eyes with dark bags under them, half my head is shaved the other half long, currently dyed red hair but it changes once it washes out and I get bored of my natural blonde. Slightly chubby belly with average breasts I wanna remove completely 👍

MBTI: INFP-T

Mental Additives: I have autism, clinical depression, clinical anxiety, PTSD and lowkey a hypochondriac.

Personality: I'm told I'm open-minded and easy to get along with. I am also a completely open book who talks about 98% of things I have been through; including trauma and random factoids I have learnt.

I smile all the time, even when crying I find myself smiling sometimes. All I want is for the people I care about to be happy; and I don't always include myself in that list but I've been getting better at doing so!

I don't have a job but I am slowly looking. I think I've just gotten used to not having a job or going to school? It's boring and mind numbing, but the last job I had gave me anxiety attacks. Doesn't help I have no ambitions in life. Except for whatever hyperfixation I'm on!

Yet I also verbally yet playfully threaten violence on friends, but if need be I can't ever throw a punch. I diffuse situations with words and pacifist action (like leaving). But I will use my height and build to be threatening to protect a friend, despite knowing that I can't defend myself. I also break into tears if I feel like I said the wrong thing to a friend or family member. I'm not as scary as I sometimes look or act.

Imma list off words that remind me of my personality since idk how else to explain myself: Helpful, imaginative, leisurely, loyal, protective, self-critical, absentminded, touch-starved, irritable (prob the anxiety talking hopefully), unable to flirt or recognise flirting, quirky, anxioussss!, logical thinker.

Likes: True crime, reading/writing fanfic, my cat, my five birds, my two fish!, I want reptile pets, random facts, the cold (jumper weather), playing all types of video games, watching YouTube, thunderstorms, chocolate, soft drinks, my lil brother, my OC that I shape into whatever fixation I'm on!

Dislikes: Having writers block, drinking alcohol, smelling cigarettes/weed, being called lazy, being compared to others, the heat (remove my skin), drinking water, my lil brother (when he's in mean mode), racists, terfs, literally all dumbasses who think they're better than everyone, routines.

Hi, I love you! I hope you enjoy this! I want everyone to know that this bean is an amazing Mutual, and you should all check them out! Okay, okay, now to the show!

~~~~~ MATCHUPS ~~~~~

HAZBIN HOTEL

Alastor

~~~~~ HEADCANONS ~~~~~

Alastor really doesn't care for people in general. If you aren't one of the few he deems good enough, stay out of his way.

That's why he was thrown for a loop when you came along. Is someone so kind and genuine not being scared of him? Who do you think you are?

Alastor is very protective, and though it may take ages to realize he has feelings, he will firmly defend and protect you.

When you and Niffty are hanging out, he feels so proud and almost giddy, an emotion he only feels when murdering normally.

When you fought the Angels, he was in awe of you. Though you needed training from Vaggie, you were fierce and ready to do whatever you could to save your friends.

The first time he snapped at you, he felt horrible, and when you started crying, he was practically a dead man, times two. He spent weeks trying to apologize and make it up to you.

He isn't big on touching or affection, but he shows you he cares in his own way. He is always opening the door for you, cooking for you, and taking you to special events or places.

He supports all your hobbies and interests and even tries to help you find new things to enjoy. This way, when he is busy doing whatever he has to, you are entertained until he returns.

He loves just having lazy days with you in the Radio Tower. There, he can work on his master plans, and you can do whatever to your heart's content.

When he finally accepts he has stronger feelings for you than his regular crew of Mimzy, Rosie, and Niffty, he asks the girls what's happening to him.

They collectively help him confess to you, and when they find out that you two are a lot more similar than they thought, they are thrilled for you two now that you guys have found your person.

If you ever mention physical touch or intimacy with him, he will allow it, but only if you are comfortable with it. Do not force yourself to think it's the right thing to do unless you 100% want it to.

~~~~~ BLURB ~~~~~

You had been working with Niffty on a surprise for Alastor. He had been working hard to take down the Vees and especially hard to piss off Vox after a particularly vile comment he made about you. Niffty was out collecting the materials while you were researching how to make a cape, crown, and scepter. Once everything was rounded up and ready to go, you two got down to some serious work. Building your masterpiece for Alastor was moving along well, and you two couldn't wait to see his face.

Sneaking up to Alastors room, you set up the creation. While you were busy making it look perfect, Niffty distracted Alastor. However, Alastor knew that something was off as soon as you weren't downstairs ready to greet him. Making his way to your location, Niffty did her best to stall the tall man, but it was too late. Luckily, just before the door opened, you had set up the display. You remembered before the battle against the Angels that Niffty had dubbed Alastor 'King Roach'. Alastor was a king in your eyes, so you wanted to show him how you honestly thought of him.

There before Alastor stood a mannequin with a deep red cape adorned with blackthorns, a crown made of black cardboard and gold glitter glue, and lastly, a scepter made out of a large stick and one of Lucifer's rubber ducks that looked like Alastor. The man couldn't help but laugh at the creation in pure enjoyment. As he walked over to start putting on the new outfit, Niffty crawled up your shoulder and perched there waiting. Once King Alastor was officially crowned, he bent down and asked, "May I kiss you, my love?" You nodded gently, and all that was heard after the kiss was a 'blegh' sound from the tiny woman perched on your head.

~~~~~ EXTRA ~~~~~

(You had been sitting in the Radio Tower for hours and were ready for fun. However, Alastor was still trying to work.)

Y/N: Can we please do something else, Alastor?

Alastor: Dear, you are always more than welcome to do whatever you please. The most powerful demon lord is your partner.

Y/N: Noooo, Alastor, I wanna do something with you.

Alastor: Hmmmm, is that so, like what?

Y/N: uh uh uh....damn it! You can't put me on the spot like that, Alasor.

Alastor: Alright, alright, come on, let's go to Rosies for some tea and a break.

Y/N: Hell yeah! Field trip!

[marvelouslytrekking]

Roommate Advice

Pairing: Kate/Yelena/Reader Summary: You call Clint for some advice about your two roommates. But things go a little differently then planned when they both come back sooner then expected Word Count: 788 A/N: This is for @xxxtwilightaxelxxx from a secret prompt list that I posted literally forever ago! I have finally found some motivation to write! Writing Yelena was a bit intimidating so that is why she had the least lines lol but either way, hope you enjoy this!! (Apologies for always taking forever to write drabble requests)

“Hey Clint!” You smiled when you saw his face pop up on the facetime call. You were glad that he had decided to call you when you sent the ‘I need advise asap’ text to him.

“Hey kid, what’s going on?” He asked. “Is Kate burning down the kitchen and you need to know how to convince her to stop trying to cook?”

“Ha. ha.” You rolled your eyes, though while he was obviously teasing, he wasn’t far off. You and Yelena had very quickly banned her from making anything more complicated than grilled cheeses within the first month of being roommates. “Yelena and I solved that awhile ago. This is a little more, personal?”

“Oh you know, it looks like Lila needs me, I think I got to go.”

“Clint, please I am dying over here and need some advise!” You plead with him. You weren’t sure why you decided to go to Clint with your love life problems but you had no idea who else to go to.

“Fine, but why aren’t you going to Kate or Yelena? They are your best friends.” He questioned.

“Yes, that is true but it kind of involves them.” You sighed.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, so, god I don’t know how to say this… I think I am in love with them.” You rushed out the last part. Glad to get it off your chest but also not fully sure how Clint would react.

“You’re in love with them?” You watched as Clint processed what you had just told him. It wasn’t judgment in his eyes, but he was definitely working through something in his mind. “Now that I am thinking about it, it’s pretty obvious. I think they both feel the same thing. I just wrote it off as you all just being attached at the hip friends, but i think it’s definitely more than that. I think you should just tell them.”

“I can’t do that.” You barely let him finish his sentence. “I'm worried, that if we go there…. things might never be the same. What if they don’t feel the same way? You know how hard finding roommates in this city is?”

“Why did you bother calling me if you weren’t going to take my advice that you so desperately wanted.”

“I don’t know. Maybe I wanted you to tell me I was crazy for being in love with not one but two of my best friends and that I needed to get over it or I’d ruin our friendship.” You sighed, realizing how ridiculous you sounded.

“Wait, which best friends are you in love with?” You felt your heart drop to your feet as Kate’s voice rang out behind you.

“I- I thought you had class for another hour.” You stutter out, hoping to change the subject.

“Just tell her the truth, I got to go” Clint told you before hanging up.

“My class let out early. What truth is he talking about?” Kate asked, a bit confused as to why you were telling Clint something that she didn’t know.

“It’s nothing.” You tried.

“It doesn’t feel like nothing, especially if you thought to call Clint about it.” She frowned, “You’re in love with someone and won’t tell me who?”

“It you.” You sighed, deciding trying to hide it may be worse than just telling the truth “And Yelena.”

“And listen, I know that’s a lot and it’s kinda weird and we have just started to feel super comfortable in our weird and chaotic friendship so if you don’t feel the same, or Yelena doesn’t or whatever, I will forget it and we can just pretend that I never said anything.” You rushed out before she had a chance to respond.

“You’re in love with me?!” She stuttered out, “And Yelena? Oh thank god, I was starting to think I was the weird friend who had fallen in love with both her roommates and was definitely going to slip up and say it eventually.”

“Who is in love with their roommates?” Yelena said as she had just entered the apartment.

“We are,” You and Kate said at the same time before giggling at the face of shock the turned into a smile from your favorite Russian.

“Oh you both finally decided to admit it!”

“Wait, are you trying to say you’ve known?” You asked, taken aback.

“Duh, I am a spy, you are both so adorably obvious.” She rolled her eyes as she hung her coat up.

“You didn’t think to, I don't know, tell us?” Kate huffed.

“No. It was cute watching you both.” She smiled.

“So you feel the same?” You asked hopefully.

“Somehow, yes” She smiled. Both Kate and yourself immediately matched her smile.

[ofstoriesandstardust]

that's the thing about illicit affairs

a/n: i am once again posting for a series that no one but @cottagecori and i care about

summary: The conversation.

the waiting room series

warnings: swearing, complicated familial relationships, mentions of cancer

word count: 1.7k

“and you wanna scream, don’t call me kid”

You try to take a deep breath, trying to identify each feeling that swirls blindly inside of you as you wait for someone to answer the door. 

fear, anger, hurt

The silence feels never-ending, reaching into the cracks of your soul, your only companion the crickets and the starry night. 

You aren’t even sure if anyone is home or will answer the door. You have half a mind to go back to your car and drive off and never come back to this town. 

This town, that held all of your pasts and your ghosts, the town that had forever haunted you-

“Kid?” 

You blink, realizing Tom has opened the door. 

“What are you doing out here? It’s pouring-”

Was it? You’d hardly even noticed it had started to rain on the way over from Natasha’s. 

“Is it true?” You hear yourself say as Tom pulls you inside. 

“Pete, can you grab a towel?” He shouts over his shoulder, guiding you to the living room. “Is what true?” 

Stand By Me is paused on the screen, the living room bathed in a warm glow from the tableside lamp. 

Pete appears alongside his husband, a bit breathless as his eyes go wide at the sight of you. 

“Kid?” 

“Don’t call me that.” You snap, eyes narrowing. “Is it true?” 

“Is what true?” Pete says, warily taking a step forward towards you. 

“Is it true, that Tom said he’d divorce you if you had a relationship with me? Is it true?” Pete can only sigh as he stops trying to creep towards you. The movement makes your heart sink, tears suddenly clogging your throat. “Because I won’t- I won’t be responsible for breaking up a second marriage, especially not when one of you is dying from cancer.” 

Pete sighs again as Tom’s eyes widen slightly. “Let’s sit down on the couch.” His voice is softer now and he takes another step towards you, wrapping the towel around your shoulders. It’s soft, fluffy, the good kind of fabric. Certainly nothing like what you had growing up that was threadbare, mutli-colored from years of use, and covered in questionable stains. 

“I want an explanation.” You say firmly, but you sit down next to him on the couch all the same. 

He nods. “And I’ll give you one. Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you. I owe you that.” 

“So? Is it true that you’re going to get divorced now that I’m in the picture?” 

Pete shakes his head. “No-”

“But at one point, you would’ve.” 

The words aren't really a question but Pete hangs his head all the same. 

“When Pete first found you, in 2017-” 

“Wha- in 2017? I was in high school then- you mean to tell me-” Your head is swimming with information and you don’t even realize you’ve rocketed up off the couch until Pete is gently guiding you to sit back down. 

“Let me start from the beginning. I did not cheat on Tom, he and I have both agreed to that. We had a fight and at the time, we both believed we were broken up. Your Mom was the only person I slept with during that time, I just needed to blow off some steam.” 

“Then why- why threaten a divorce if I’m in the picture, I don’t understand-” 

“Because I wasn’t ready to hear it.” Tom admits softly and Pete gives his husband a glance. 

“We’ll get to that.” Pete squeezes your shoulder. “In 2017, Carole was at a house-warming party. Your Mom was there, friend of a friend of a friend, and she was very drunk. My name and the words affair and daughter were dropped more than once. And Carole- she knew. She has always known. And so she came to me, confronted me, asked me if it could be true. And I told her yes. She asked if I’d want to know you and I said yes. So, behind Tom’s back, I hired a private investigator.” 

“Why wait so many years? You left me in a house with no love-” 

“I know, I know. But, at the time, Tom was battling cancer. We weren’t sure if he would live to see the end of the year. And I knew- I knew that if I came forward with it, it would break our marriage.” 

“But now it won’t?” 

“I’ve changed my mind.” Tom says, clearing his throat.

“Why?” 

“Back then, I was just barely in remission. I was still so scared and the thought that all this had happened without my knowledge hurt me. But, we’ve been through a lot, Pete and I, over the last year. I’ve realized throughout it, that I didn’t want my husband to die and die resenting me for not knowing you. And as Pete started to reveal more to me what the PI had found out about your family, I knew that there had to be something more to offer you.” 

“We had just found you again, not too long before you showed up at the Hard Deck with Natasha.” 

“You knew.” You say, letting out a breath. 

Pete lets out a laugh, but there is no humor behind it. “Yeah, I knew. I’d just spent all that time trying to find you and there you were, cozied up on the arm with one of my pilots. It just made everything so-” 

“Complicated.” You finish for him, remembering Natasha’s words from a few weeks ago. 

He nods. “Yeah. The last thing I wanted to do was get in the way of you and Natasha being together if you decided you didn’t want a relationship with me. So, I decided to step back. I may not be able to have you in my life as my daughter but you were still in my life.” 

“And that was enough for you?” 

“It was never going to be enough. Being able to build a relationship with you is all I have wanted.” 

You swallow at the earnest honesty in Pete’s eyes. 

“Wait, so- what about the cancer? Bradley told me- He made it seem like-” 

“I’ve been in remission for over five years now. There’s always a chance it could come back but-” Tom finishes, shrugging his shoulders. 

The silence that follows is deafening. Pete waits patiently for you to speak next. 

He’s had years to process knowledge you’d only had days to wrap your brain around. 

“I don’t- I don’t understand why Bradley’s so angry with me.” You finally land on, shaking your head. “What did I do to him?” 

“I think,” Tom says softly, “in Brad’s head- you’re stepping on a family he just got back.” 

“That’s stupid.” You say bluntly. “I didn’t ask for this; I didn’t want this.” 

You’re standing again and Pete is quick to match you, rising as you do. 

“Kid-” 

“Stop calling me that!” You nearly shout, stepping back from him. “I am not a kid! I am not your kid!” 

Pete flinches at your words but you don’t acknowledge it. 

“I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for you. I didn't ask to be born from an affair or- or for any of this! I don’t want this! I don’t-” 

You’re heaving, struggling to get in a breath as your eyes fly wildly throughout the living room. 

“You don’t get it, do you? I spent my whole life in a loveless home, growing up with parents who hated me for who I was and what I represented. I dug myself out of there, I created my future. No one else helped me do it, I did it. And now what, now that I’m someone successful, now that I’m easier to love, you want in?” 

Pete shakes his head. “No, no, it was never because I didn’t love you or didn’t think that I could. It’s just-” 

“It’s just better for you now? More convenient? Easier? Because look, I’m really sorry my existence, an existence you caused, was such an inconvenience to you.” 

“Stop.” Tom says firmly, finally standing. “Stop blaming Pete. If you’re going to yell at anyone, yell at me.”

“Tom-” 

Tom puts a hand out, cutting off his husband. 

“I was the one who kept Pete out of your life for years. It was my decision and my choice. Trust me, Pete wanted to know you so badly. He would have done anything, paid any lawyer and fought any court battle he would’ve had to to get you out of your home when he found you in 2017. I was the one who stopped him then, who stopped him all these years. You have every right to be angry but be angry with me. Pete doesn’t deserve your anger.” 

You swallow, watching Tom as he talks. For a man as old as he is, his age doesn’t show in that moment. A fire lines his face, his shoulders pulled back tight. You imagine this is the strength that had earned him the title of Commander of the Pacific Fleet, that had allowed him to climb those ranks. 

And then, to your horror, the tears start. 

It all feels too overwhelming, like you’ll never get past this moment right here. Like you’ll be crushed by the heavy weight of it all, right here in these two men’s living room. 

A shiver racks your body as you finally feel the chill of your rain-soaked shirt. Your lip wobbles as warm tears begin to track down your face. 

And yet all you can see is the moment Pete’s face falls. 

“Come here.” He says softly, beckoning you to him. You take a hesitant step towards him but he meets you in the middle, wrapping his arms around you. He tucks his head on top of yours as you become breathless with tears. “I’m sorry.” He whispers. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry this has all come out in the worst way possible. I am so, so sorry.” 

Your fingers find purchase in his cotton shirt, shoulders trembling. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do now.” 

He lets out a long breath. “You can do anything you want to.” 

You hiccup. “I want to-” 

What did you even want? 

To go home. 

But what was even home for you anymore?

[pinkfoxsodas]

Warning Saw X Spoilers of John Kramer Take

I will admit I am bias because I’m still angry about what happened to my fave character Adam, but I can’t help point out the flaws of Jigsaw’s own hypocrisy. However, just because I’m going explain why I think John is kind of a hypocrite, doesn’t mean I hate the character; in fact I think he’s the most interesting villain of the series. I just can’t stop thinking about this because I’ve had this opinion on John Kramer for a long time. I think John is a selfish and bitter person because of his situation that he even convinced himself that his actions are justified.

In Saw X, when John was tricked into thinking his cancer was gone, he was drawing one of his latest traps in his sketchbook. But decided to throw it away in the trash because he no longer wants to continue his work. If John truly believed he was doing the right thing, why not continue setting traps now that he no longer has to worry about dying? It proved that John was bitter of his own situation that he was going to die and all these people he believed that were wasting their lives, will never have to experience limited life. It made me think of the timer he gives his victims, like 3 minutes to live and he has 3 months.

And what about the people who have no choice but to be props for someone else’s test? John specifically targets people to test and is willing to sacrifice others for that one specific person. Test subjects like Lawrence, Jeff, William etc. A person’s life hangs on balance of someone’s else’s choice. Amanda had to kill a guy to get the key out to save herself, while he didn’t get the chance to fight for his own life. William had to choose which of his employees he had to spare while killing the others. Lawrence had to kill Adam a stranger to save his family who by the way were also props to Zepp’s test. I’ll come back to Diana later. And the people used as props for Jeff’s test were people that Jeff felt were responsible for the death of his son or let his son’s killer walk free. It was like John never saw them as people. He’s always on about respecting life, but how can he when he uses people as objects for another person’s test? And some of those people didn’t do anything wrong but be related or work for the person that John is testing. Like Joyce Dangen, she didn’t know that Bobby lied and yet when he loses his game she’s the one who has to suffer and die. And John can argue all he wants that the reason those people died was because of the subject failed their test, but that’s not true. John was the one who put them in those traps and kept them immobilized. He used them as tools for that one specific person he was testing. People he believed that deserved to be tested or to be turned into one of his followers. John wanted Lawrence to survive, because he needed someone like Lawrence skills for his tests.

John also has a black and white view of the world. He does not see grey, meaning he doesn’t really try to understand why a person makes the wrong choices in life. But he’s very quick to judge a person’s character just from first impressions, like Adam for example who he deemed angry and pathetic. The whole game was made for Lawrence and Adam was just added there and we don’t have much information on him like Lawrence. And he has a bias on people who have drug addictions. When Amanda tried to reason why Gabriela did what she did because of addiction, Jigsaw immediately shut her down. Yes what Gabriela did was wrong, but she wasn’t as messed up as Cecilia who did it for money and has no problem killing people.John had just said that everyone has free will, but how would he know if he never experienced addiction? Amanda understood because she was just like Gabriela. But it could also be because he still held a grudge against Cecil who was responsible for his wife’s miscarriage because he wanted to steal drugs.

Now the subject to children. I was glad to see that John had humanity to see that Carlos was just an innocent child who didn’t deserve to be put in a life and death situation. But it brings back the hypocrisy when we see Diana, Daniel and Corbett who again are used as props for their parent’s test. Yes they were saved, but they were traumatized through their ordeals and will mostly suffer from ptsd. And Daniel lost his dad and Corbett is now an orphan. And Diana only survived because Allison was able to get out of their restraints and Detective Tapp was able to rescue them on time. If none of that happened, Zepp most likely would have killed them because John told him if he did, Zepp would be given an antidote to survive his poisoning. John I don’t know if he would have given Zepp the antidote if he had killed the Gordon family, because he might have been disgusted by the death of a child. But Zepp followed the rules of his game and John would have just blamed Lawrence for their deaths instead or wouldn’t have cared because again they were just props. Never accepting that he was responsible for kid a dying and would have blamed either Zepp or Lawrence.

I would have said more but this rant is too long and I just wanted to get this off my chest. I do love Saw and I enjoy the characters, but I will bring up their flaws when I’m talking to friends about Jigsaw! And since Saw X made me sympathetic towards John it also reminded how unfair he was towards his victims.

[wwillywonka]

two for you, if you like!

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

hiii thank you so much for the ask!

🪐 - i definitely have a hard time being positive so i'm always grateful to have an excuse to tell my brain to rewrite itself for a while lol.

1. made a new friend recently and we've been hanging out a lot! i've been pretty lonely post-college, and this person and i not only have so many overlapping interests but also happen to be the same ethnicity, and i genuinely don't know how we never managed to meet before this, especially considering they grew up in the next town over. it's been wonderful. we went to a record store yesterday, and i was perusing the soundtrack cds, and my friend goes, "omg i see something. how did you miss it???" and it was the fucking charlie and the chocolate factory broadway soundtrack. my beloathed. and yes i bought it. we also spent the entire car ride talking about mcspirk. really good.

2. i might be (maybe) getting a full time position (hopefully)! i don't want to jinx it, but i've been doing part time work for a bit now and it's finally looking like it might turn into something more! i'm tentatively excited.

3. overall, i am once again just so grateful for all my friends (both online and especially off) in fandom spaces and having the ability to share my love for these stories with others. the star trek fandom especially has been such a welcoming and loving place, and after years of pretty much only being obsessed with very niche things, it's been such a breath of fresh air. kissing you all, mwah!

🍬 - oh god, completely different vibe. i tend to steer clear of fandom discourse unless i feel like a story reaaally messed up (aka the way racism was handled in the newest season of doctor who...), so i don't really like to bash on characters specifically because i know what it's like to be on the receiving end of someone's hatred for your fav. most of my opinions tend to be unpopular anyway a) because my favourite characters are always the morally grey ones who i like precisely because they're controversial, and b) because so many people on this site don't understand nuance. it's just... so frustrating when people can't see beyond their need for a ship to be canon/a ship is the only reason they're interested in the story. arcane, for example, is not only incredibly nuanced, detailed, and, yes, full of morally grey characters, it exists to raise questions about politics and history that intentionally are not meant to be solved in 18 episodes because humanity has been trying to answer them for thousands of years! i agree that the writing felt rushed, but what people can't seem to grasp is that just because a story doesn't answer every one of life's questions doesn't mean it's a bad story. aaaahhh. anyway, sorry for the rant, that didn't really answer your question.

i'll say this: (arcane spoilers!!!)

i think jinx dying was a perfect way to end the story. i literally predicted way back when i first watched s1 that one of the sisters was going to die. i thought vi was going to kill jinx to be honest. it wasn't a cheap ending or a cop out; in the same way silco had to die in order for the story to move forward and for change to occur, the same goes for jinx. the cycles!!! they only end when we find the will to walk away!!!! that line has stuck with me since the finale premiered because it's so goddamn true. what if the people trying so hard to force the world into their own empire just... stopped. why can't they see that it doesn't fucking matter, that all that matters is loving one another and making sure we're all okay. like aaaahhh. change is necessary for us to move on and stop having the same arguments we've been having for thousands of years.

that being said, i don't think runeterra is going to necessarily be a better place post-jinx's death, especially because it keeps caitlyn in a respected position of power and i reaallllyyy hate how much the show makes you sympathise with her. i really don't like her... or vi... aaannnddd that's all i'll say about that because this is not an invitation for people to start yelling at me lol.

anyway!! thanks for the ask and sorry for turning it into an arcane rant lmao