#I need at least some motivation to post the stuff or I won't bc it doesn't feel worth it at a certain point

[rainyjackalope]

So I have a lot of sketches that never ever see the light of day online, as I keep a folder that I call my digital sketchbook and any time I want to doodle, I open a canvas, do whatever until I run out of steam, then toss it in there. It's pretty much entirely loose sketches, some character concepts, and lots of fursona art.

I've been thinking for a long time that I may start posting them to my kofi page and make them viewable by a membership tier, but I'm not sure what monthly payment would be fair to see some bonus art that's mostly sketches and may never get posted anywhere else (but isn't promised to be forever exclusive because I don't like to limit myself from sharing what I want. And I do post a little of it to my discord here and there. I just don't want to bombard my blog with all of them and generally don't feel like posting them all over online so I probably never will.)

[vampire-sugar]

Overdue TQOTD post...

I finished the book back in April LOL but just never got the urge to write about it. It took me an excruciatingly long time to finish, and that was because the writing was very repetitive imo. AR has the ability to make a vampire origin story so so so so so boring. Which is crazy, because The Story of the Twins is interesting and Maharet and Mekare are interesting characters, but the writing I found pretty bland. Which, again, is crazy because the writing in the Akasha and Lestat chapters?? Fire! So I know AR can do it lol but unfortunately none of it really hit when it came to the Twins and a lot of other chapters. Those parts read a lot like the dreadful Marius chapter/section in TVL and that shit nearly bored me to tears (insane bc that's when you finally find out about TWMBK).

Under the cut I get into more spoiler-y stuff about the last two chapters, including some (not so) subtle racism in the writing + things I actually did like about the book (bc there were some!!).

----It's been a while so I don't fully understand my notes but this is what I managed to make of them----

So, last two chapters, we finally get the showdown between Akasha and the rest of the vampires, and really they just talk and try to reason with each other. Here are some of Akasha's reasons for why humans need vampires to intervene in their affairs.

"Millions have been exterminated by one small European nation on the whim of a madman", "Entire cities were melted into oblivion by bombs", "The screams of the hungry are deafening, yet unheard by the rich who cavort in technological citadels", "the idiot foolishness upon which the complacency of the rich has always been based"

I singled these quotes out because it shows that her issue is not just with men, but with the rich and powerful. And her solution, of course, is to kill all men except 1 in 100 and kill all male babies born except 1 in 100. I'm upset that there was nothing behind Akasha's motivations when it came to the Twins other than wanting power and control, and her true motivations in this case are also gaining power and control over the women that she would eventually rule over rather than actually caring about the things that she listed to Marius & Co. Regardless, that doesn't make what Akasha is saying untrue. She's right, obviously, these problems exist! But the vampires also bring up another great point which is that: humans are aware of these problems (are literally the victims of these problems), and are revolting! They are rising up against the rich and powerful. Those humans do not deserve to die.

Marius tells her: "But it is the outcry against these horrors which is the light I speak of."

And then shortly after he hits me with the: "For the Western world, not to resist would be unthinkable." And maybe I'm reading too much into it, but coupled with previous instances of weird quotes about the East, this reads to me as yet another casual statement of non-Western countries being hopeless or lost causes. Like, "of course you were able to mass kill in the East, Akasha! They just roll over and take whatever horrific thing is committed against them! But the West won't have it!" That's how it reads to me.

[Note: The vampires' problem with violent resistance in general is strange, considering they are literally vampires who kill to survive, but whatever. They keep saying violence is bad and I'm like don't you "violence" every day?]

Anyway. Another insane quote:

This is said by Lestat, in reaction to Khayman putting on the equivalent of a fake tan to look more human (Khayman is Egyptian and I think(!) was described as having dark skin at some point):

"Sometimes, he covered himself with a darkening pigment- burnt sienna mixed with a little scented oil. It seemed a crime to do so, to mar the beauty." ???????????? Insanely racist thing to think say Lestat/Anne.

Alright so overall, was an insanely long read, definitely my least favorite book out of the 3 I've read, and it has put me off reading any more even though I really want to... but what I did like was:

Jesse Reeves

Claudia haunting NOLA house

AKASHASTAT, those chapters were golden

Devil's Minion chapter

That's all I can remember of the good. Will watch QOTD movie soon. Soon.

(also crying at my last post ab this book being me making a wildly incorrect prediction thinking it was so obvious, i am so bad at predicting things lol)

[winryrockbellwannabe]

hey, first off all just wanna say your blog is so cool i love seeing you on my dash!

i was just wondering if you had any tips for first year students and how to manage time? i think that’s the aspect i have been struggling with the most is time management and getting enough sleep rn.

omg tysm!!! 💜💜💜 so glad you like my posts!! and hope your enjoying your 1st year so far <3

So, how to manage your time:

tbh I haven't understood it that well myself. Personally im a little time blind, so i coordinate my schedule based on tasks i have to do, instead of time.

So instead of: study physics for an hour, it could be something like: understand The Schrödinger equation or study 40 pages.

My only time blocks are: morning, afternoon (before snack time, before dinner) and before going to bed. Which i particularly like since it's more flexible, and if i didn't manage to accomplish everything, i can just move it a bit, instead of ruining the whole thing.

My planner usually looks like this: (it's a bit light, since i had classes all day both monday and today, but you get the idea)

But if you like to study in time blocks, my tip is to give them space to be flexible. So if you delay smth it doesn't ruin your entire schedule, and you won't be so stressed about the time as well.

For example, you think you'll take 1h to do this assignment? Save 1h30 for it, if you end up actually needing this extra time, then you're still in time. If you only needed 1h, you can take a break and move to your next task earlier than planned.

Alarms are a student's best friend for time tracking. And a bonus advantage is that it also forces me not to be on my phone, since i set the alarm in there, and it's a visual reminder that i should be working.

Another important thing to do is to ✨ prioritize✨ your tasks!! Your final exam is way more important than a report that's only 10% your grade. Sure, if you can do both it's perfect, but don't waste too much time perfecting smth that's not that important.

Oh, and if you feel like the way your professor explains isn't doing it for you, just forget about that class! It's a waste of time to be 2 hours in a classroom, not even understanding what the professor is saying and stressing about it. Just find some good notes, and study them in the library during that time instead.

Also, for the not enough sleep problem. I feel you. That was me in the second semester of 1st year. I would lose track of time, sometimes just procrastinating, and forget to sleep. My solution for that is ✨alarms✨. I usually wake up at 7:30, so everyday i have an alarm set for 23:00 to remind myself to go to sleep, and another for 24:00, just in case i ignored the first one lol. Really improved my sleep schedules.

(And a little extra (tho i intend to do a bigger post about this soon)

1st year tips in general: Find ways to be interested in your classes, so it's easier to study. Watch documentaries about it, discuss stuff with ppl that love that subject. Even if you are learning how to solve integrals so you can help your crush - totally not talking from experience. If it get's you motivated, then that's all that matters. DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS!!! I promise your professors aren't judging you, and if your classmates are, well, they won't be judging anymore when you ace that test. And force yourself to take breaks. I would put on my t.do list to watch an episode of a series daily, bc i would be so stressed i would forget to do that. And taking breaks it's super important.)

(sorry for the huge post, I really hope at least one tip in here will be useful for you. Thank you for the ask, and best of luck for this uni year!!! Feel free to ask anymore questions💜)

[rockybloo]

I posted this over on Twitter but I feel like it's important for over here because I'mma shift my focus to sharing Beanstalked content for a bit. Not even in a brainrot way but in a "my brain is fizzing" way and I want to keep Twitter and Tumblr in the loop for why Glitter and Guilt stuff will slow down for a bit (in the public eye at least)

Aight lemme and copy and paste the reason why now:

"While I am on a Beanstalked high, I'm probably gonna draw some Glitter and Guilt stuff "on the low" since I feel like I'm off the track of where I initially wanted to be and how I originally wanted to focus the story when I just really wanted heroine x villain nonsense

I'm happy a lot of people enjoy it, it was just a lot of attention for a story (bc I mean-Magical girls) and I was SUPER new to it and I felt and still lowkey feel like I have to focus on so many other things than I initially wanted to when I thought up Sweetheart and Bitterbat

In the end, the story is about THEM and THEIR interactions.

Decking is a cool place and so are all the heroes and other relationship dynamics but OOF

It's ALMOST too much for my brain sometimes especially when I get passive comments wanting more than just licorice stuff

"Ok but what is Glitter and Guilt meant to be then Rocky???"

Slice of life episodic peeks into Sweetheart and Bitterbat's life as a hero and villain dating and living in a city that basically parodies Saturday morning action cartoons and anime and hero comics

"WHAT'S THE PURPOSE IN THE INTRICATE WORLDBUILDING AND INTERACTIONS THEN"

Most are so I can build up to funny little jokes involving Sweetheart and Bitterbat

Literally, the whole motivation for this story is that one Simpson's "Do it for her" meme but the pics are of licorice

I think this is also why my focus on Beanstalked is so exhilarating because it doesn't have nearly as many eyes and has been just me obsessing over specific interests of mine without any outside forces so I've been able to focus on whatever in story without needing to rush"

Aight there we go.

Don't take this as me not appreciating the love y'all have for the story or even me hating it now. This is actually so I can keep sharing it without feeling pressured and continue drawing out of a genuine love for it.

I won't stop stop y'all from sending in questions but I might hold onto some of them while answering about other stories so I can actually focus on giving a genuine response and not rush to share information.

I care a lot about GaG being an indulgent story down to the bones and I don't wanna falter on that. I WILL MAKE THAT GOOD HEROINE X VILLAIN FOOD I'VE ALWAYS WANTED-THAT'S THE GOAL!

[littlepinkdiary]

sunday, december 24

hiii again, i'm still alive lolol! i didn't stick to my promise of posting here but that's more because i started journaling, as i planned, so i had nothing to say. but i do love having this blog so i'll keep it if only to reblog helpful and motivating things.

school has been good so far, lost some friends and actively planning to lose some more… that sounds so backwards but it's something that must be done for my own sake. recently i've been feeling too mature for my friends and not in an "i'm better than you" way but more in a "we don't care for the same things" kind of way, like i'm being held back by trying to fit in with them. which i believe is a valid reason to pull back from a friendship, i'm being as nice about it as i can. i'm used to fewer friends in general, and a bit less drama, so at least i won't be tired coming home from school every single day until may lol!

i've had my week of slacking now and i'm ready to pull up my laces and do what has to be done. like some desperately needed cleaning and wardrobe revamping and also starting on some IAs. again, i plan to share my yearly ins and outs and i feel like i wanna go over my moodboard for the year and talk about what did and didn't come true (spolier alert: most of it did) also just talk about like- other stuff. i definitely wanna like ramble abt workouts and stuff here bc it's fun. this is just a blabber space for me since i can't "move in silence" and this is the closest thing i've got!

because i do have actual living breathing haters somehow…

i don't think i have anything else to say actually sobs, but i'll try, again, to keep this blog updated and active! toodle~

xoxo, cc <3

[aisooti]

bro im back lol

thought i would except the way I am, but after two months I have enough. like I feel like I am going nowhere, and that I will get even more fat and a thought of having more than 60 kg (132lbs) is scarring me...

Why I stopped dieting?

I had no energy, no motivation to live, no friends, binges, sf, bad grades and just in general I was mean, self oriented person. I just knew I had to stop because after school year I was complete mess. It was really bad and I never want to go back to this state (haha that's funny so why am I here?). I started to care more about my mind, body and environment, which means that I started meditating, journaling, consuming self improvement content, stoped smoking etc. After summer I went to 3rd class in high school (second to last class) and im doing pretty well, when talking about my overall feeling, well.. at least it's a lot better in comparison to previous class. I am studying more, I am happy a lot more often, I made new friends, I am more sociable, I am much less stressed and anxious and I feel like I am going trough some kind of personal growth. It is nothing big but baby steps are important, right? Oh I almost forgot, during this time I wasn't bingeing, was eating kindddd offf healthlyyyy... but no binging at least. I eat to 8pm, I AM going to sleep at 10pm (and im really proud of this also because during this bad period I was going to sleep almost everyday around midnight, then wake up at 6 so I was dead during the day. Because of my health I was mess to that extend that after school I just wanted to sleep and die, but I had school, and afterschool activities. I knew that if I ditch that I get depressed and start to self harm even more). So in conclusion, I needed a break I needed to figure out some things, fix sleep schedule, find new perspective of looking on the future and present. And that has paid seriously.

Why I want to start again?

Through all my life I was into some sport discipline, dancing swimming, running, acrobatics. In last 3 years especially swimming as I was in advanced swimming group. OH axrwcstedyvrfubginhml kill me I don't want to go back there that was so bad and I only went there because I thought it was so healthy for me and my mum was making me to go there because she's some sport freak. of coure I went there because I thought without it I would get fat as it would do something to me (guess who got fat even when doing workouts :P). Maybe im a little exaggerating because I love this sport, but I had toxic mindset during practises, I was compering everything to myself, and was constantly sooooo tense. that couldn't be healthy I know you probably think it must have because it is sport right? burning calories, releasing adrenaline etc., but when you have fucked up thoughts and want to cry during the process it cant be. I was very delulu lol. OK that was a side story back to the topic. Because of being a sport type of person I am masculine, I have big shoulders big thighs etc. I don't even know if my big things are bc of the fat or muscle, the same with arms. I don't do sports anymore, it's not good for me. I won't be explaing all my reasons for wanting to be skinny bc the thing is that everyone here more or less have same freaky mindset, but in a nutshell 1) I think with my new priorities I have better chance to meet my goal, without doing and thinking about dumb stuff, 2) Im not signed to any afterschool sports trainings so I won't have this big appetite, 3) I have much muscle which means I need bigger calorie intake, wich means I will lose weight faster as the muscle needs calories to be maintained, which means I will lose muscle and I won't be so big. In my humble opinion I have way bigger chances to get thin. OH 4) I WANT TO POST MY THOUGHT AND MOTIVATIONS HERE TO BE MORE POSITIVE, TO HELP OTHERS AND GET MORE ATTACHED TO MY GOAL AND THIS COMMUNITY WHICH WILL DEFINITELY PAY OFF!!!!!

ill get skinny, maybe that way Ill be more likeable? maybe ill get more organised? maybe ill have higher self esteem? maybe ill get to wear prettier clothes? or maybe ill wakeup at death end, start being depressed, unorganised all the time, self harm, be anxious. who knows? there's only way to find out right?

Im happy that I could share with you my thoughts, although I very much written it bc I wanted to organise thoughts, I was a bit scared when I was coming back here cose it really reminds me of baddddd period of my life, but I am much more chill now. I hope you find it interesting, I don't thinks so bc it was mostly my life story xd, but I believe that new perspectives are important, so yeah.

sorry for my English im from Poland :_))

remember that being stressed and sad is not attractive. We live on spining rock and nothing matters, chill

thank youu

kisses

[off-mozzarella]

Heyy... Sorry for this weird post consisting of me talking nonsense, but for the past few months I've recieved some compliments from friends and classmates about my drawings, personal and stuff for school, and it got me thinking a bit.

Kinda long post lolll

I don't like talking about myself this way bc I feel like it seems egocentric but I do share kinda negative stuff so a bit of positivity doesn't hurt lol

Being surrounded of so much art online is amazing, being able to get inspired by other people's creations and being motivated to keep creating myself. Buuut of course we are all aware of the other side. Seeing so many people with skill levels that I would love to reach but knowing I'll probably never get there, seeing that even with all the effort I've put into getting better there's some 16 y/o who is better than I'll probably ever be.

Also, starting to post has been great for me in a way, it has been very motivating to see that people out there can actually enjoy what I do, and all the nice comments make me want to create more and really raise my ego a bit sometimes lol.

But, it's easy to get dependant on interactions, and when I don't reach as many people as I would like to I get discouraged. Even though I'm aware likes don't determine if a drawing is good or not, we all know most people won't share or leave a heart on something they don't like, and it leaves me a bit insecure sometimes. Especially when I look at those drawings later and realize they're really not good, but I didn't notice in the moment, so is this thought of maybe there being not as much people interacting with my stuff means I'm not noticing something is bad.

And even when I do reach enough people and get all those happy hormones from the notes and the nice comments... Sometimes it just doesn't feel as good, it's kind of like I'm expecting it by now.

The internet comparison can get pretty intense, and the whole "only compare yourself with your past self" is really cliché, but, I do need to be a bit less hard on myself. I wanted to end this in a dramatic, mic dropping way but yeah idk lol have a drawing that completely kills the mood.

But there's something about people in real life telling me to my face that they want to have my skill. It felt more real ig? Ironically or maybe not lol. It was grounding. It got me thinking that even though I'm absolutely nowhere near where I would like to be, I think I need to appreciate more that I have built some skills and I am pretty decent at some things, at least enough to let me stand out in my circle and have people admire me in some ways.

I like drawing bodies but I couldn't make a decent face even if I was held at gunpoint lmfao

[moonlightperseus]

I get that. I was kind of like "it won't be good, bit it WILL be babs" and that was almost enough for me. I tried. I just didn't succeed.

I am an hour away from finishing the Graceling audio book and I just? Cannot get myself to listen to it. I had to renew it just for AN HOUR. That's my biggest issue with audio books. But everyone's different. I understand you liking them for long drives.

I liked seeing Dinah have a mom lmao. That was literally my favorite part I don't even remember what else happened.

That's fine I haven't continued bombshells. We're in this together 💔 I'm glad you're enjoying the others though!! I forgot actually that I was going to look into buying my brother a zatanna comic for Christmas. So thank you for accidentally reminding me.

I went to them a lot when I was little because all of my big siblings were super into them but then I stopped for a while and only wanted to go this year for art I didn't buy. They ARE fun but also yeah I spent like a solid 4 hours too overwhelmed and just not wanting to be there.

And I DID draw her. I hate it, because I'm not good at what I do. But the cosplayer did lead to me drawing a Dinah and posting her on my silly little art account.

The delay is fine dw. We're equally bad at being timely it seems.

I will just add a quick note though: I was scrolling through Amazon and saw leverage and I ALMOST watched it because of you. (until I remembered that I am a disaster and cannot sit through a single episode of anything and it was a lost cause)

i would like to apologize because it has been basically 2 weeks since i received this ask. i apologize. i have been busy and tired 😔

oh yeah i def have a harder time remembering to read audiobooks when i’m just chilling at home. it’s like. yeah i could put my headphones on and listen while i do chore stuff but that requires me to motivate myself to do said chore stuff 😭 sometimes i’ll listen to audiobooks when i’m alone at work (sometimes it’s a little hard when dogs are barking) or when i go on a walk with my dog and that’s been helping me with reading outside of just long car rides.

i think i started the annual of injustice2 before i went on my unintentional comic break (had a friends wedding and just Life happening) but i need to actually commit to continuing my read. for a little bit before my break i had started on some of the old dc/marvel amalgam comic specials because i think the concept of mashing characters together, especially from different comic universes, is really fun.

oh!! so i was away at the beach for my friends wedding (wild that i am old enough that the friends my age are getting married.) but while we were there my family went to a flea market and i found some of the old guard tales through time comics for 2$ each and i bought three of them. i haven’t cracked any of them open or even taken them out of their plastic sleeves yet but i’m proud of myself for getting them bc they are used (though in pretty good condition) i’m not a fan of the traditional tog comic art but, at least for the one joenicky one, the art is a lot more my speed. and i got the andy and nile cover ones too because. women.

i think i would like to go to a comic con eventually. at some point. a smaller con though probably.

if you ever feel like sharing i would love to see ur art/art account!!

omg i love that you associate me w leverage. i do LOVE that show and heavily recommend it to anyone seeking out a new show but i completely understand you not seeking out a show rn! (if u ever do feel like checking it out i would love to hear ur thoughts but no pressure)

hope you have been doing well in these past two weeks and i promise i will try to not unintentionally ghost you again for two weeks i really kept meaning to reply to this ask but also kept forgetting 😔

[frostbite-the-bat]

vent post where i overshare and complain about my life below because i wanna distract myself from studying because i'm having a hard time mentally motivating myself to do it !! yippie.

fucking hell only 2 days before my last part of finals and i REALLY dont feel like studying not only bc my mental health as of late aint been the best, my mood being bad today in general, but also just. really REALLY wanting to be over with it. to be over with it successfully i have to try, and i am trying quite hard, but man do i not want to. just a few pitiful days and im over with it. i'm feeling the same pressure as i did when i was about to do my first two finals... i've noticed i'm being a bit more distant in general aside from TRYING TO focus on studying (90% of the time im probably not doing much tbh)

and i just wish these finals were a bit fairer. we have 25 questions, right? well, it's a verbal test, we have like 20 minutes to speak to two teachers who **MAY** ask questions about it PLUS some official we dont know of. a stranger. and 20 minutes to prepare. oh, 25 questions? for that? sounds bad! well, it's only one question! sounds good, doesnt it?

well... you don't know which one you're gonna get. THANKFULLY we have the list of questions available to us - but we have no way of knowing what we may get. we have to prepare for literally anything, because if you slack studying even a singular one, you may get unlucky and that may be the one you're gonna end up stuck with. of course, they will ask questions to squeeze things out of you, and hint stuff...but i am just so worried i won't know. every time i study, there's a bit of something i just... skip over completely. i dont have the time or patience for it. it's too hard... and i spent too much time over working the other answers. like, really overworking on them, with pointless detail.

and that's the thing! we have to say as many details for this as possible... and for many of these questions i can honestly say i'm very confident about answering them! but... the rest, most of this, many of this... it's just so hard. it's too hard. i need to approach it from like... an angle of. just fill in everything a little bit. (forgot to mention, im working out each question in a google doc, as if i was answering it. i will then read through it and study it. re-writing things in my own words makes me remember topics better, and i often re-write a thing over and over for this same reason.)

and just... getting even a bit of something in so i feel fullfilled. but...in theory i should study what i don't know, which is what is so hard. i don't know where to begin. these questions are from all over the place....i always need so many confusing tab open just to answer one question - then close them and get stuff for the other question - but oops! the other half of it needs stuff from the previous ones, great...

and it's just a whole mess, and i am worried i may not make it. well...i did rather well on my actual finals. like, exceptionally well. better than i typically do. like, a B. i never ever get those grades. that's an excellent grade. even if i do not define myself by my grades, it feels good to know i did well on that. but...i know my verbal performance is bad... and for that, it was many topics in one test. okay, study a bit of everything and you're fine. but for this i need... a lot of detail for ONE THING. that i will not know what it'll be. and it's a BIG deciding factor on whether or not i pass.

and it SUCKS. i am so tired. not to mention i have been sleeping less to play games with friends, due to timezones, while attempting to manage my horrible attention span to attempt to study. at least...i am doing something? but i am afraid it won't be enough. it won't be valued. it won't be what i need. i am a person who values my breaks a bunch, and i need them. hell, even writing this was a bad idea as my hands are starting to hurt, making my entire self feel horribly exhausted. i wish i could write down those answers this quickly.

issue is the language barrier - i have managed to switch my thoughts to be mostly in english, and i am a native czech speaker. i really need to read things in czech a little bit more. but just...the motivation. the drive. here my drive is to express my feelings an annoyance, and just get it out of my system so i can focus better. but? for that?

a pointless test, where there is a big chance i will be given something i may be clueless about. i may panic and fuck everything up. and... after this. i do not know what i will do with my life. it's scary stuff.

i both wanna get out of here so i can truly be myself, but also, i have not been taught about life by my parents at all. i need them. even if i wish to escape from them and do what i want...do what i need to get better. glares at my dad. glares back at this post. i do not know how the world works.

i have zero plans. anything i'd want probably wouldn't go through - or they would tell me it's a bad idea, have comments on it, and i'd go back into my little shell again. i'm gonna need a job eventually, but i'd really like to see doctors or something first, because i'm like 99% sure covid from last year cause me to have chronic exhaustion (and probably pains? im in so much pain especially in my legs and arms so easily its unreal. i need to study this more) as well. i can't do shit for too long without spacing the fuck out and trying not to cry because of the pain. i perform badly. i am an anxious mess. however anything health related i ask about is met with "oh we don't need a doctor for THAT" or "oh, stop whining! this is what the real world is like. get used to it. don't sit down, you're so lazy. work hard."

and i don't plan on doing what my school taught me to do and fighting jobs is hard enough already. i am sure my parents won't mind supporting me while being unemployed for a while, but... i know that my dad will pressure me a lot. hell, he joked about it even years ago when my best friend got a summer job before me... and also my parents want me to work at their job. okay good might get nepo babie'd, but uh, issue is! that place works like crazy fucking **12 hour shifts**. i already die at like 4 or less hours of something. what.

and fuck i am so grateful to my friends for supporting me during these times... offering their own help. i am so glad. i am so happy. i could not ask for better people. but... i wish this was more available to me in real life. i am rotting my fucking brain online only because the only support i get is here... everywhere else i am unwanted. and i was never taught to ask for help. if i ever wanted anything...or asked for help. it was denied or ignored... they always say you can tell me anything, if there's trouble tell me, but then you tell them and...

all you get called is "you're so sensitive" "oh boys will be boys" "oh come on get over it" "you have to try harder than that". and!! man. it is hard. its so hard. i just wanna lay down... for a whole year....do nothing. hibernate all that time. have zero life worries... everyone has these, but. i hate that life played the cards to make it this difficult for me... and. a lot of it is invisible.

i hide it. i mask it. or it didn't pop up until now... nobody will believe me if i tell them these issues i am facing. it's not enough to need help for them. "there's others who face more pain and issues in their life than you" "you don't seem like you need it". constantly stuck...in this. it does require actual speaking out, yes...but if your whole life, you ask for the smallest things, and it's not delivered upon...you just learn to stop asking. you know who to not ask and who to ask. it's horrible.

not to mention some issues i can get in actual danger with if it comes out. like i don't know. me being queer? that's one of the main things holding me back this much.

like. once i am done with this school. these finals. if i pass them. i am done. i have no plans after. i am sure i will... find something. it wont be easy. but... ill have to do it. sadly.

no plans at all. how am i supposed to be motivated to do even such a simple task as studying when i know in the end it may not even matter... i hate all of this so much. i wish i wasnt this way. i hate these things about myself. i love being a wacky little weirdo, but. i wish the world was easier to live in. i hate all of this shit. i hate that this world is built to be hard for someone like me. especially since it's not seen as hard enough to most... it ends up making me feel even worse. it's not fun.

i just wish it was all easier. i wish that at least today i could do the things i want. but i dont get to it. it sucks so bad. i have like zero energy left and i have to push through. i have to. or else i wont pass. that will cause more issues... it's. horrible. sigh. i'll....i'll stop now. at least i got all these thoughts out of my brain. i am repeating myself. nothing is there. despite my low energy, and me ALREADY pushing myself a lot, it's probably the most ideal time for me to do something. so. i guess i'll try. only because i have to. i hate this. i'm so scared of the future...

[channoticedmeuwu]

So, idk if this is still ok but i saw your post about "if anyone anon or not needs a space to vent they can"

I just need to get a few things off my chest and idk who else to tell so im telling a stranger. Sorry for that bestie.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, SH

You don't gotta keep reading if those make you uncomfortable i just gotta let it out bc i feel like I'll explode if i don't

So, idk if you know the whole "intentionally going numb/ turning off emotions" thing but i basically did that a month or so ago. And now i don't wanna go back to feeling bc i know i will just break down bc everything is too much and the fact that i don't have any real problems just makes everything worse. Like i know i don't have the fucking right to want to k word myself bc i don't have it nearly as bad as other people but that doesn't make me suddenly wanna live?

I have great friends, mostly supportive parents (although their parenting is questionable) im white, live in a wealthy country am abled and never faced "hard" discrimination based on my sexual orientation.

However, everything just seems pointless?

I had ⅓ graduation exams today and the next one which is math is tomorrow and i just straight up did not study bc i didn't see the point. My dad bought me an expensive car although i don't have a driver's license yet (i guess as motivation). And idk why anything would matter. Im turning 18 in a few days and the only good thing im seeing is that im gonna be able to buy my own alcohol.

Earlier i came to the conclusion that tomorrow would be a great day to k word myself and usually i just brush that stuff off but rn it genuinely seems like a pretty good solution. I only haven't done it yet bc i think about my friends and how traumatized they'd be but i was such an asshole today. Im pretty sure one of them (ironically my favorite one) hates me by now bc of all the emotional damage ive caused. They didn't even bother adding anything to the bs i said.

Funnily enough another friend told me i was obsessed with them^ bc i had/have a longass unrequited crush and ngl now that she said it i get what she meant. I am obsessed. Im a piece of shit lol. For constantly treating the people around me like toys. "meh they'll still be here when i play with the other one" no they fucking won't dumbass. I try my best to remind them that i care but the last few times it just sounded so wrong. Like i was forcing them to stay my friends. Like they would leave in a heartbeat if i didn't constantly manipulate them. Funfact my brain is like "you're saying bs rn" which is weird considering it usually likes it when i minimize my problems and make it sound like im being an asshole to everyone even though i just have a bad day.

Idk man. I told my therapist i think i might have adhd and he was like "i don't think you do" Granted he probs thinks im a teenager who's overreacting. Like the last one lol. That lady was smth else lmao. Telling me everything i felt was normal. Uh ma'am sorry but i don't think constantly blaming yourself for everything that literally doesn't have anything to do with you and having a voice in your head that tells you to kword yourself 24/7 is not normal but go off karen.

Anyway a friend messaged the gc earlier asking what we wanna do tmrw night and my first thought was "idk bout u but i hope im dead by then"

My mom's not home anyway so she won't "save me".

Just gotta figure out how and where and write a bunch of letters.

Bc the least i can do is give people a last goodbye. Yk bc i think as bad as it is, if im leaving i could at least give them smth to remember me by. A few words saying im grateful and i know they did their best but they couldn't have stopped me.

Maybe adding some hearts so they remember me as that bubbly caring friend i always tried to be.

Sorry for putting this on you stranger. I just didn't want to tell someone else.

If you've read this far thank you.

I'll try my best to stay alive. Maybe things will get better eventually.

Sorry again.

hey there buddy :'] I just wanna say a few things in response too! I hope I don't step over any personal boundaries, but I'm really worried and I can't bear to see this and not say anything. So under the cut, is just a few words I wanted to say :]

You don't have to read at all if you don't want to <3

[tw : mentions of suicide, bad mental state, negativity ]

I'm really glad you came to me and saw that post. I'm so happy you did, and tbfh I'm really proud of you for doing so. I would never have the guts to do it, and I think you're really brave for it.

I see that you're struggling a lot, and although it might sound strange coming out of a stranger, I really do appreciate you here. I know I can't do much rather than just offer presence on a website, but I really believe in you.

It's sad to know that people have to go through alot recently. I'm sorry you were faced with that. It must be very tough, and I really just want to give you a big hug </3

another thing I wanted to add : I am a person of color, and I just want to say that just because the world and alot of pocs are facing serious issues that people deem as "something to actually be depressed about", you should never compare your personal issues to that. Yes, sure, the world is suffering, yes, sure, everyone is facing problems, and yes, of course, some problems may hurt more than others do. That does not mean yours are invalid. I don't believe anyone needs a "reason" to be depressed. It's not a voluntary action, you can't control those feelings. Please, trust me, do not feel bad. Someone, a very close friend of mine, told me this while we were alone together. I'm glad she did, because it made me feel better at that time. And I'm passing on the message because it's true. No matter your sexuality, your race, your financial status, your gender identity; your issues at valid. Your problems are valid. You have every right to be upset, and you shouldn't invalidate yourself like that.

I'm sorry that you have to go through so much to go to be willing to do the k-thing. Al though I can't say much, I would love for you to stay. You would always have a welcoming place in my blog, and you'd always be appreciated here. I'm so sorry for everything happening, and I'm so sorry for not being able to do anything more. I don't know if you want to hear this, but I love you. I love you alot, very much, and it hurts me too, to see you like this.

Please, if you ever want to stay, if you ever want to chat, if you ever need a leaning shoulder or a listening ear, please, reach out to me. My dms are always open, my inbox is always open. If I don't reply, it's because I'm asleep.

Again, I'm glad you were brave enough to share this, and I'm glad that you're still here. I really appreciate you, my inbox and dms are ALWAYS open, please, drop by and say something whenever you feel like it.

Thanks for this message anon, I love you <3

My heart reaches out to you. I'll always be here. I meant what I said.

[hoodie-bboi]

reminder to myself but also other people who are going through a depressive episode currently

take a shower. your hair is greasy and you're starting to smell. don't have the motivation to shower? that's ok. use some dry shampoo and a damp washcloth and some extra deodorant.

brush your teeth or at least swish around some mouthwash

comb your hair or run your fingers through it a little bit

drink a glass of water. blacking out a little when you stand up isn't a good sign.

eat something if you typically under eat. it doesn't have to be an entire meal. just anything. a bowl of cereal, a pop tart, some chips, just eat something

i always under eat so please rb or comment things about overeating bc i don't know anything helpful in that area

get up and stretch. you've been sitting on your computer all day in bed. your muscles need some kind of movement.

clean your face. wash it or use some makeup remover. pimples won't make you feel better.

clip your nails if you haven't in a while

put on some chapstick

take some of those dishes to the kitchen so your room doesn't feel so cluttered. it doesn't have to be all at once, just at least one thing.

take some slow deep breaths

change your clothes. maybe not your entire outfit, maybe just your socks or shirt. maybe change out your pants and underwear so you don't get an infection or anything down there

been crying a lot and your eyes hurt? that's ok. me too. get a washcloth and run it under some cool water. let it sit on your closed eyes for a little bit. it'll reduce redness and help them get remoistened

been sitting in an uncomfortable position and you're starting to hurt? shift around a little bit. don't ignore it until your back hurts so bad you can't sleep

can't sleep anyway? can't quiet down your mind? turn on some music on the lowest volume. iphones have a setting for the timer and the bottom of the sound options menu to have it stop playing after the timer goes off. i usually set it for 1-2 hours depending on how rough of a time i'm having. it'll help distract you and drown out any other noises

take your meds if you haven't already. set a reminder on your phone if you need to. keep them by your bed or where you typically stay during an episode so they're easily accessible.

remember that you've made it this far. you can get through this. please get help if you're feeling suicidal or want to self harm. reaching out is not a sign of weakness. it's a sign of strength because you are brave enough to talk to someone.

this won't last forever. things do get better. i promise.

if you are feeling suicidal, want to self harm, or are just really having a rough time, contact the Trevor Project

they have a 24 hour text line that has personally helped me a lot before. if you have anxiety about phone calls this is a great option

they also of course have a phone line

they'll ask you what your name is, what town you live in, if you feel suicidal, etc. to make sure you're safe as you talk to them

lgbt+ friendly! so if you need to talk about that kinda stuff they can help with that too

people care about you. you may not know me and i may not know you. you may have just randomly found this post on your dash and never seen my blog before. i don't care. i care about you. you have to survive. i have to survive. we're going through this together even if we're complete strangers because if we don't support each other then survival is impossible. i want you to recover and get healthy and live a long and happy life. if you're not doing it for yourself or anyone else, do it for me.

please remember that things get better, and if you can't take care of yourself like a neurotypical person would, do the bare minimum instead, because bare minimum survival is still survival.

[silvertheredhairedstranger]

god i realize i am going on but one more and then i'll b done for the night

i think it's been rly good of me to start a bunch of stuff this summer and decide to wait to post any of it until it's complete. like i keep thinking how weird n unproductive ive been bc i haven't written and published a work to ao3 since pdf in june and then i think abt it and im like. no wait. i have over 30k for one au i started and it's still not out of the intro section. ive written a shit ton of notes for fics and then have gotten a decent word count on actual prose (5-10k) plus that.

and it's not like i haven't been writing?? and it's been easier to breathe bc i feel like i post smth (to ao3 specifically) and then sit and wait and live and breathe for some sort of feedback for days on end and then get so worked up and disappointed when it doesn't happen. plus i feel like when i post fics in progress i lose motivation for them faster but also i feel like i have to be committed to what i post. it's easier to sit and puzzle things out and decide i don't like and need to delete whole sections vs posting a chapter and not liking it as much a month or week or x amt of time later. it's jus better?? like it's jus been better. this is a better way to write .

and if i absolutely am in a mood where i need to post smth ill jus drop it here on tumblr and it's a done deal. like this is a place where nothing needs to be perfect and i can always go back later and delete a post and move on. and it's good like this. like i feel like i got so frustrated at the start of summer bc of this one fic but that led to me deciding i didn't need to post anything in-progress anymore which has been a rly good decision so far so. worth dealing w that ig.

but it's also kinda. hard. like it's not perfect esp since i don't get the traction i do on tumblr that i do on ao3. but at the same time ik if i upload a fic im gonna make myself sick and miserable fretting over it and im done w that. im done. that doesn't mean that i won't post any more updates to fics i have up now that are in progress bc they're already up. jus that. right now at least. anything new had to be done completely. which means if i wait longer that'll have to be fine and when i get antsy or tired i'll throw smth up here. i write drabbles n stuff all the time i jus never post them publicly as much as i could. like what's been going on the past week-ish could be normal i jus usually don't have a high level of confidence until i let smth sit for a while.

hhhhh dunno where im going w this anymore.

[threecrowsinacloak]

Coming to rant here once again bc I have nowhere else to go.

(would ad a keep reading cut here but mobile doesn't seem to have that, so sorry for long post in case this shows up on anyone's dash)

So. I'm currently in the process of getting an autism/asperger's diagnosis. (Don't really like the term asperger's but whatever, it's what they keep saying.) It's pretty much done, there only one appointment with my parents left and that probably isn't going to change the results I got so far.

Anyhow, I'm also currently on the waiting list for like a mental health clinic (don't know the correct term in English but you get the point), and I'll probably get in as soon as they're allowed to take new patients with the covid regulations. It's good that I'm getting the autism diagnosis before bc they might not have been able to catch it, but... Now idk if I should even go, since at least some of my issues are probably related to being autistic. And idk if they're able to help me the way I need it. Hell, I can barely even name what I want help with.

But the thing is... I really do need help. I'm not doing as bad as like in January, when I was stuck in uni and just came back from 3 failed months of trying to live alone. But I still feel miserable a lot of the time, I lack motivation, I feel unable to plan further into the future than like a month... There's just a bunch, and I cannot keep living like this (and if it keeps going like this, I probably won't be living at all at some point).

I just... Don't know what to do. And it's probably gonna be months before I can get any appointments at like autism...... places. Like autism-specific social skills stuff and self-worth training or whatever. Do I even want that??? Is that gonna help my depression and eating disorder tendencies?? I doubt it! I feel like a place where I can work on that intensely for a bit is gonna be better at that.... BUT WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT MYSELF? Nothing, apparently, lol

On top of that I'm probably gonna have to stop therapy relatively soon because my current therapist knows nothing about autism... And I don't think she hasn't really been helping me. Like, talking about shit is great, but... I'm not doing any better with regards to anything compared to a year ago when I started seeing her.

I don't know, shit sucks.