#I need a nap I’m rambling in my own tags I need 14 hours of sleep

[kissmefriendly]

Venn diagram with Richard Sharpe and Sam Vimes in the middle

[tinyboxxtink]

"Clueless" *Part 13*

Okay so this is 10 pages in my google doc right, and I swear I don't-- I don't know if I have more than one more chapter left in me from here guys! I might divide this one--- Okay. Here's what we're gonna do. This is gonna be slightly short, but then I'm IMMEDIATELY putting up another chapter, also slightly short. But it all leads to the finale, that will have to go up tomorrow. Cool? Cool.

Also- Warning SOME smutty smut? Awkward smut. LuLz.

(let's pretend/assume the girl in the gif is the reader yeah?)

Tag List

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@wanniiieeee

@milkshqke

@gibbs274

@lolliepopsicle

@aprildecker-blog

@word-scribbless

@objection-argumentative

@stars-in-the-skies-world

Part 12

Part 14

-------

You both quickly undressed each other, kissing each other all over one another’s bodies. You hadn’t had a lot of sex, and you were guessing Josh hadn’t either guessing on his response to your question about this. But you suppose you were both going to do your best.

“I um, am I hurting you?” Josh asked while he nibbled down the sides of your neck.

“What? No I’m fine babe, keep going,” You muttered, trying to stay in it.

“Look at this sloppy cabron,” You saw an image of Rafael standing in the middle of your bedroom. “He has no clue what he’s doing. You know you’d much rather have me nibbling on you, carino,”

“Shut up,” you growled.

“What?” Josh looked at you confused.

“What? Nothing baby, I’m sorry,”

Josh shrugged and continued, taking one finger and jamming it in your opening.

“Ow!!!” You screamed. It was so jarring and clinical, like a tampon being shoved up there too fast.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry babe, I thought-- I thought girls liked that,” It was dark but you could hear the blush in his voice.

“Baby you…” You half smiled, taking his hand and guiding it slowly around your opening. “You have to go slow, soft,”

“Oh. Right, yeah no of course,” He nervously chuckled, mimicking your movements. He continued to slowly circle your opening, slowly inching inside you. You closed your eyes and moaned softly, enjoying the sensation.

“Look at those stubs,” You heard Rafael’s voice again. “My long loving fingers wouldn’t be so rough with you,”

“Go away,” You muttered, trying to focus on Josh’s fingers inside you.

“What?” Josh stopped mid-circle inside you.

“I-I said, Go...faster,” You lied.

“Oh, Ok….can I, can I go inside you?” Josh asked softly.

“Yes, baby you don’t have to ask,” You were sort of getting annoyed now; You hadn’t had sex with tons of people, but you knew how to be sexier than this.

“See he’s a child! Asking, pleading, fumbling in the dark. You need a man who knows how to take care of you, amante,” Rafael’s voice sounded like it was right in your ear.

“Josh, let’s just agree right now to everything. Anything you wanna do to me, do it. If I don’t like it, trust me I’ll let you know, okay?”

“Okay!” He seemed more excited, now plunging into you deeply and pumping fast. Now this was more like it.

“Oh yes, yes right there…” You moaned, which encouraged him more.

“Yeah baby, you like that?” Josh asked in a sultry voice.

“Mmmm yes,” You moaned, glancing at the foot of your bed. Rafael’s image was standing there, smirking. You couldn’t help it, you tried to fight it. You shut your eyes tight and focused on the pleasure. It was getting more and more intense.

“Yes, oh baby deeper,” You moaned. Josh obliged, plunging harder and faster inside you.

“Yes….oh god Rafa right there….”

Your eyes shot open, a hand went over your mouth. Luckily, Josh was so into his own pleasure and you had whispered low enough that he had no idea what had just happened. But you did. You laid there, knowing full well now that you wished this was Rafael. You shut your eyes and just let yourself imagine it was him, you couldn’t fight it anymore.

Soon you were moaning and screaming, mentally concentrating on not saying ANY words, just moans trying to convince Josh you were enjoying him inside you. You were still getting there when you felt Josh’s legs vibrating.

“Baby…” He moaned. “I’m gonna… should I…?”

“Yes please don’t get me pregnant,” You said, more rude than you intended. He was so lost in his orgasm he didn’t notice, but immediately pulled out and ejaculated all over your sheets.

“Wow, that was amazing…” He fell back against you, sighing in relief. You however, were still waiting on your own orgasm.

“I um, I have to-- wash off,” You lied, climbing out of the bed. He nodded, still out of breath. You went inside the bathroom and locked the door. You sat against the door and spread your legs, inserting your own fingers and pumping them in and out of you.

“Yes, baby. That’s it…” Now you heard Rafael’s voice again. “I’m right here, I’m inside you…”

You moved your fingers faster, imaging Rafael’s lips all over you. “You smell so good carino, god I love it when you’re wet for me,” You bit your lip in pleasure, now bucking against your own fingers. “I love you so much, Y/N,” You could hear him purr. “Now, go for me…”

You felt the waves of an orgasm crash against you, your fingers now slowing their pace, you slumped against the door in relief. The pleasure was immense from just imagining Rafael being there, you couldn’t imagine what it would be like to actually have him. But.. you would never know.

The pleasure from your “session” was suddenly overridden by a surge of grief. Grief of what had just transpired not even an hour ago. You finally had him, you had him in your mouth. His hands all over you, it was like you could still feel them. That’s why it was so easy to replicate the feeling while pleasuring yourself. You knew what they felt like now. But...that’s all it was. You knew that was the most you’d ever get from him, a kiss goodbye. You were not about to just forget your principles and your feelings about being hidden away like a dirty secret. No matter how pleasurable his lips were.

Why couldn’t he just... man up? Why was he so afraid? Were you that awful? Was he that ashamed of you? Why didn’t he love you enough?

He had said the words, he said them out loud! You repeated them over and over, but the more you did the more you remembered the tone. As if he was saying:

“You’re lucky I’m saying this at all, how can you be walking away from ME? The great Rafael Barba.”

Josh would never talk to you like that, he was so soft and so kind. So wonderful. Why couldn’t...Why couldn’t Rafael be that…?

All of a sudden, you realized you were crying. You were crying softly, but quickly grew louder the more you thought about Rafael. He would be so smug if he knew that he got in your head, just like he said he had. He would be giddy with victory knowing that he was on your mind the entire time. You grabbed a towel off your towel rack and sobbed into it, trying to tell yourself to calm down. Trying to remind yourself that there was a beautiful, amazing man right in the next room. Not a snarky asshole. Josh made you feel safe and loved, not like some dark curse. You composed yourself and went back into the room, where unfortunately for you Josh had turned on the lights.

“Oh my god...baby are you okay?” He jumped out of the bed and ran over to you, immediately taking you in his arms and cuddling you. See, how could you want Rafael over this?

“Yeah, I’m just-- I’m tired,” You lied, nodding your head. “Can we just...take a nap?”

“Of course, whatever you want,” He took you back to bed and spooned you, stroking your hair.

“You were wonderful, Y/N. I’ve never had it so good,” He whispered. You felt half confused, half guilty. You hadn’t really done anything, except imagine another guy.

….I’m glad, Josh,” You smiled, snuggling into him, hoping he would just fall asleep and not push it any further. He did.

-----

Later, you and Josh walked into the living room to get something to eat. You were greeted with Ariel sitting on the couch flipping through channels.

“OOOOOOoooohhh!!!!” She teased. “And what were YOU two doing?”

“....Studying,” Josh smirked.

“Uh huh, studying each other’s bodies,” Ariel smirked back.

“Ariel!” You walked over and smacked her playfully.

“Y/N we’re all adults here, if you can’t discuss sex freely you’re going to have a very hard time in adulthood,”

“Hey Ariel, give her a break,” Josh came up behind you and kissed your head. “I totally get it,”

“Awww, it’s like watching two care bears copulate,” Ariel said mockingly.

“Ha Ha,” You rolled your eyes as you walked to the kitchen.

---

--Meanwhile in the living room---

“So you two had fun?” Ariel wiggled her eyebrows.

“...Yeah,” Josh nodded slightly.

“What’s that look?”

“I don’t know, she said some weird stuff,” He shrugged.

“Like what?” She asked quizzically.

“I...I don’t know, lots of mumbles,”

“Maybe you were so good she started talking in tongues,” She laughed.

“Oh yeah, totally that’s it,”

“Hey do you wanna continue our conversation tomorrow? I really want to try this bistro that Y/N won’t go with me to,” Ariel asked, glancing at the kitchen where you were.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, something about how they cook their food. Animal cruelty, or MSG or some crap like that, I tune out when she rambles,” She rolled her eyes.

“You’re so mean!” He lightly poked her. “Yeah, sounds good,” He paused, looking in the kitchen. “....Do you think it’s weird, us hanging out without her?”

“What? No, it’s totally innocent,” She waved her hands dismissively.

“....Then why haven't we told her?” Josh asked her seriously. They both looked at each other for a long moment.

“Hey Ariel what happened to the pizza that was in here?” You suddenly came walking into the living room, interrupting their conversation.

“Oh I...I think I ate it while I was high the other day,” She blushed.

“ARIEL,” You looked at her horrified. “You can’t smoke weed in your mom’s house!!”

“Relax, Debbie Do Good, I smoke on the deck,” She rolled her eyes.

“Oh good so the neighbor’s can call the cops,” You crossed your arms.

“Josh maybe you should take her back in there and ‘chill her out’ some more,” She made crude actions with her hands.

“Actually I should be getting back, you know to ACTUALLY study,” He started to get up and walk out. “Although I don’t know how much it will help, not like Barba is ever going to give me that internship,”

“Do you want me to go rough him up for you Joshie?” Ariel laughed in a patronizing tone.

“No, thank you Ari,” He teased back. “I’ll call you later baby,” He kissed your cheek and walked out the door.

[evenstevensranked]

#36: Season 3, Episode 16: “Beans On The Brain”

Louis goes on a date with Beans’ cousin Chris (Loretta from Pixel Perfect) but there’s just onnnne slight problem. Elsewhere, Donnie channels his inner beauty guru while recovering from a football injury.

This one opens with Louis walking on the ceiling in these special electric suction boots that are yet another insane invention of his. When I was kid I was like “OMG! HOW IS HE REALLY WALKING ON THE CEILING LIKE THAT?!?!” But, now the illusion is shattered and I clearly see that he’s just walking on the floor in a room designed to look like the living room upside-down. It’s kinda funny when you flip it:

It’s also obvious that his pants and shirt are pinned up.

Beans comes popping up out of nowhere as per usual, and what does he do? He takes the remote control for the boots and turns it off, causing Louis to fall. HE LITERALLY COULD’VE SNAPPED HIS NECK AND DIED! Beans is the actual worst. He apologizes saying “It was an accident” and Louis claps back with “You're the accident, Beans!" …and I mean, have truer words ever been spoken? I don’t think so.

Louis, Twitty and Tom are too preoccupied with forcing Beans out of the house, that they don’t properly listen when Beans tries to tell them his cousin Chris is in town. They automatically think “THERE ARE MORE OF YOU?!” which is truly a nightmare-inducing thought. But, *cue the sexy saxophone music* as soon as they see that Chris is actually a cute blonde chick casually blowing bubbles outside with a dumb smile on her face akin to those stock photos of women eating salads, everything changes.

Okay first of all, what was the costume department thinking when they put her in that god awful skirt in front of a wall of greenery/flowers made up of similar colors? Her bottom half just blends in. Ya gotta go solid colors all the way for stuff like this! Come on, now. Second of all, this scene clearly dispels any speculation of whether or not they filmed inside of the house they use for exterior shots. I already knew this, but the interior was in fact a set. This is a little annoying continuity-wise because there is no wall of greenery right outside the front door of the actual house like that. THIS BOTHERS MEEEEEEE! Oh well.

Cut to the subplot. Ren, Ruby, and Monique are hanging out in Ren’s room and sniffing a jar of clay mask gunk… as friends do? (I don’t think friends do this.) Donnie walks by hobbling with a cane and broken foot all moody and depressed, when he starts giving them beauty tips? Okay??? Later, they find out that he has an entire “treasure trove” of beauty products. Okay, we knew Donnie was into himself… but this is a new level. I actually like the way they sorta broke down some gender stereotypes with this character? The big football jock and ladies man, who happens to have a passion for cosmetology. Who knew?! (And this isn’t the first/only time we’ve seen this side of him.) He puts some face moisturizer on the girls and explains that the itch they feel is a “rejuvenating minty tingle.” Yo, I clearly remember being on vacation in Florida when I was, like.. 11. My cousin and I put some pore cleanser stuff on our faces, and I literally said the cleanser gives a “rejuvenating minty tingle” wow. I totally did not realize I learned that from Donnie. When questioned, he refuses to tell them how he hurt his leg and insists that the only topic of conversation he’ll tolerate is “HAIR, SKIN, AND NAILS!” Nick Spano’s voice chanting this has been stuck in my head since 2002.

Um, why does Donnie have a curling iron? His hair is too short, lol.

Louis, Twitty, and Tom are now desperately trying to get back in Beans’ good graces just to hang out with Chris. Ah, and here is where we get more of Louis being a terrible friend by using and manipulating people for his own personal gain. (Even if Beans is the worst... he’s still just a kid who looks up to Louis.) This is a lil creepy, though. It’s 3 guys all wanting to go after the same girl at once. It’s like the 5 members of One Direction singing “What Makes You Beautiful” to one woman. Pretty awkward when you think about it. After buttering Beans up by feeding him crap lines like “There’s a whole in my heart where you used to be” and Tom writing him a ridiculous poem titled “Where art thou, Beansie?” -- Beans eventually decides to let only one of the guys meet her. And thank god, actually. Imagine if they all crowded her? I’d feel so uncomfortable in that situation. In order to determine who the lucky guy is, Beans makes them soak in a cold tub for 3 hours and then pick whoever has the pruniest hands. Are you kidding me? What goes on in this child’s mind? Not only that, I’m pretty sure Chris isn’t worth getting sick over. Seriously, I never really thought she was ~all that.~

Something else that bothers me is that Beans says their hands are “all equally pruny” -- But Twitty’s hands are clearly the pruniest. Ew. 

Louis sneakily makes a deal with Beans and agrees to take him on a boat ride as long as Chris tags along. So Louis decides to take them on a gondola ride. "If ya gotta go... go gondola, ya know?" is his reasoning. And this marks the slightly cringy, slightly entertaining arrival of Romantic Louis. And boy is it something to behold. This side of the character is one of my favorite aspects of the series. Probably because I had a massive crush on Shia growing up, but that’s beside the point. It’s honestly just really comical and awkwardly endearing. 

Anyway, he immediately starts trying to persuade Beans into not riding the gondola with them, to the point where he literally just leaves Beans alone on shore and runs off to be with Chris. Wow, Louis.

Also, um.. WHY IS CHRIS WAITING FOR A FLOOD IN THOSE PANTS?! Honestly, who dressed this poor girl?! Those are either total floods or the ugliest pair of capris I’ve ever seen. And what even are those socks?! And those red Keds? Omg. 

While on the gondola, Louis decides to play “Who can spot the nastiest garbage in the water" -- Not the most romantic activity for a first date, but this just reminds you it’s Louis Stevens we’re talking about here. Some corny, upbeat, ~emotional~ acoustic guitar kicks in to accompany this absurd garbage game, because that makes sense. One of the objects he retrieves from the water is a freaking dirty toilet seat!!! When I was a kid I distinctly remember cracking up at this, lol wow. (Mainly because we get a great Louis Scream) But, immediately after touching the seat.. he starts feeding Chris cheese puffs!!! WHAT THE HECK?! He better’ve whipped out some Purell or a Wet-Nap real quick because otherwise… thanks, but no thanks. 

Now Louis really starts to put the moves on Chris, omg. He asks if he can put his arm around her.. and then he asks if he can kiss her. Jesussss! Isn’t that a little fast? Y’all barely know each other, spot some trash in the lake, and jump straight to kissing? Aren’t they like.. 14? Isn’t this Disney Channel? Dang, lol. I mean, at least he asked.. which she appreciates. This is just another reason why I think these characters were meant to be in High School, tbh. Anyway... Louis leans in to kiss her and... well......

If it’s your first time watching this episode, I’m pretty confident that you will literally DIE LAUGHING!!!!! I’ll never forget when my mom and I watched the series for the first time in years back in 2011. We practically fell off the couch we were laughing so hard. Even right now, having seen this moment countless times since then -- seeing it on a loop like that has me rollingggg right now as I type. How disturbing is that?! What gets me is the fact that Chris is smiling, and then BAM! Beans is just staring at Louis, so very unimpressed looking.. lol. Not only that, the music is so romantic and uplifting as Louis leans in, and as soon as she morphs into Beans it abruptly changes to minor omg. THIS COUNTS AS MUSIC HUMOR TO ME AND STUFF LIKE THAT WILL ALWAYS KILL ME WITHOUT FAIL. 

Naturally, Louis starts freaking out and it’s hilarious. Imagine you’re about to kiss a guy and then he does this:

I don’t even know how you react to something like that. He quickly changes gears and rambles off this incredible excuse to leave: "I have a rump roast in the oven at home, so... I gotta go back home." - Definitely gonna add that to the list of effective excuses in my back pocket. I always thought it was interesting because in The Battle Of Shaker Heights, there’s a scene where Shia says the line “At least I wasn’t restocking rump roasts” ..and I always think of Louis Stevens and his brilliant excuse. 

The next day everyone is bombarding Louis to spill the beans (pun sort of intended) on how the date went. Tom is soooo great here. I freaking love him. It’s not even that serious.. but just because he doesn’t get enough love... I’ma embed what I’m talking about: 

Even Tawny asks Louis how it went! He practically has a mental breakdown and she becomes his personal shrink yet again. He explains everything and she tells him he just needs to make it up to Beans and then his conscience will be cleared. Which cuts to Louis imagining a total Andy Griffith Show parody of he and Beans going fishing and everything’s just SWELL!!! :D So, I guess that counts as a pop culture reference. 

Cutting back to the subplot, Donnie has basically turned the Stevens house into a salon. There’s a bunch of girls there and he’s the one styling them and everything. I’m starting to feel like this whole subplot is supposed to be a giant red flag that Donnie was actually a coded gay character. Very stereotypically gay in this case... But, yeah: 

He’s saying “Oh, hey Cindy! Put a smock on, I’ll be right with ya honey!!” Complete with limp wrist and valley girl voice. Um. He definitely seems to be in his element, tbh.

During the hustle and bustle of running an in-home salon, Ren catches Donnie walking around without his cane and automatically knows he’s been faking the severity of the injury. We learn that Donnie did get hurt while doing a victory dance out on the field, but recovered a while ago. He’s been faking to avoid going back to football after embarrassing himself. Aww. He eventually does go back, but this time he runs into the goal post after celebrating a touchdown. It’s pretty funny. 

There’s a really pointless scene where Beans comes over and kinda tortures/taunts Louis as revenge for ditching him, all while fake-acting like a cute little kid who doesn’t know any better. Constantly asking “Oops. Are you mad at me now?” He also gives Louis a wedgie with a fish hook... Like??? It’s annoying and doesn’t really go anywhere. Idk. 

Then we get to the final scene! Louis kisses Chris for real here! Whoaaa. I always forget that Louis kissed someone other than Tawny! But yeah. Louis kisses Chris and everything’s fine. He thinks his problem has been solved..... until......

This ending absolutely kills me.

And that’s it! I honestly really love this episode. The whole Beans morphing scene(s) are definitely some of the funniest moments in the whole series. Like... wow. I had a tough time deciding where to put it. Even though those bits and some of the other things I highlighted are great, there’s still something that feels a little off about this one. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Probably just the Season 3 weirdness. It starts to feel a little... disjointed? The situation isn’t completely resolved. We never actually see Louis make it up to Beans, which feels like a missed opportunity for some character development. The subplot is a lil weak as well, but I love Donnie... so. For an episode about Beans.. this one is not bad and pretty hilarious at times. Louis trying to romance Chris is great, but once again.. he’s kinda manipulative and ugly to Beans. 

Going down my list of criteria, this one probably meets Personal Favorite and Hilarity the most. It’s really good. But for my rankings, I’m valuing episodes that hit all the right notes for me the most. And trust me, there are some pretty perfect episodes to come and I’m so excited that we’re getting closer and closer to those! :)

Here’s a video with 3 of the most solid scenes, just because ya gotta see those morphs in all their glory. Plus, Shia screaming “wHAT IS THAT?!” gets me every single time:

Thanks for reading! Chime in via Disqus, please! :)

Twitter | Facebook | Instagram