#I miss you guys! I’m not nearly as chronically online as I used to be

[roseseafoam]

What have the little gay people in my phone been up to? 🎤

[whereisten]

Heal

A Kun fic that’s part of our Halloween Series!

Summary: Doctor Qian Kun is a young and successful doctor who works miracles. And you are no exception when you become his patient.

Pairing: Doctor! Kun x female reader

Genre: romance, angst, fantasy, horror

Word Count: 5.6k

Warnings: blood, manipulation

(A/N: Thank you guys so much for your support with our Halloween fics! Hope you enjoy the adventures of y/n and Doctor Kun!)

___

You were no stranger to visits to the Neo Hospital in your hometown. When you were a baby, you basically lived at the hospital. You were prone to colds and fevers. You always experienced body aches and fatigue. You were born with a chronic autoimmune disorder that left many doctors baffled. They were only able to provide you with medications to alleviate your pains temporarily. You were confined to stay at home, to be homeschooled by your parents, and make friends online. Your childhood was far from normal.

You were a college junior now and you’ve been strictly online. If it wasn’t for the Internet, you probably would’ve lost your mind by now.

You had contact with the outside world but not physical contact. It’s what you longed for the most.

You resented your family. Your older and younger siblings could go out whenever they pleased. How did they get so lucky? Why were you the only sibling that got the short end of the stick?

Everyone in your family always interacted with you carefully, using hand sanitizer and always washing their hands prior to helping you with something. They treated you like a fine, porcelain doll that had to be preserved. It was irritating on your best days and unbearable on your worst. You felt like an abomination sometimes.

However, throughout the years, you would rebel. You would run away from home when your parents eyes wandered for a moment. The farthest you’d get before getting caught was the park. You were lucky that you didn’t develop any harsh symptoms from those times you ran away. However, you would be punished for taking such risks. You’d get your phone and internet privileges taken away for a month every time.

Last week, you succeeded in your most ambitious escape yet: you made it to Target to buy the new Ariana Grande CD. You thought that the one trip to Target couldn’t hurt you. By no means was it crowded and no one got into your space.

Well, you were wrong to think that you’d be fine.

Now you came down with a fever and you’d been placed on bed rest at your all-too familiar Room 1196 on the eleventh floor of the hospital.

You resented your body. A lot of people could recover from a fever and carry on with their day-to-day lives but you? Not so much.

Your parents made a whole spectacle of getting you to be seen by the best doctors but these doctors couldn’t help you the way you’d hoped.

However, this time, you awoke the next morning after your intake and felt...nothing.

Like you never had a fever in the first place.

You spent the morning checking your social media. Your crush/online classmate Sicheng was on a weekend hiking trip with his friends. He was with a bunch of beautiful, healthy people in North Carolina. You were even more bummed to be in the hospital now.

You wondered what life would be like if you didn’t have your condition. Where could you have gone? Who would you be now?

You’ve always wanted to go to the beach by yourself. To the supermarket. Hell, across the street. You wanted to go somewhere. Anywhere. Without anyone coddling you and watching your every move.

You wished for freedom from the body you were born with. To find a new one, somehow.

Because you had no hope for your current body to change.

“Y/n? Can I come in?” A male voice was heard from the door.

“Sure.” You sat upright on the bed.

The person at the door entered and he was the prettiest healthcare provider you’d ever laid your eyes on. He had warm, brown eyes and a radiant smile. His dark blue hair was wavy.

Suddenly, you regretted not brushing your hair that morning.

He donned a lab coat with the hospital’s name on it. His name tag was in a lanyard: Dr. Qian Kun, MD, DOM, PharmD.

He looked very young...And to have all of those titles? Your head was spinning.

He frowned as he saw how confused you looked. “Are you alright?”

You nodded. “I am.”

He sat on the chair beside your bed. “It’s nice to meet you, y/n. I’m Dr. Qian Kun but you can call me Kun.”

You blinked a few times. “Are you really a doctor?”

He laughed, confused. “What?”

“You don’t seem that much older than me…”

He sighed. “I get that a lot. I’m twenty-four. I graduated early from university...Earned my titles...Now here I am.”

“That’s amazing. You are probably the youngest doctor ever.”

Kun shook his head. “Afraid not. Bala Ambati became a doctor at seventeen.”

You shook your head. “Still...You have three doctorates. That means triple the sleep deprivation. Hats off to you.”

Kun chuckled as he looked at your information in his clipboard. “Your vitals have improved a lot since yesterday.”

You looked down at your hands. “Yeah...That’s impossible…”

Kun shook his head, noting how down you looked. “It is possible, y/n.”

You met his gaze. “How?”

He smiled. “Are you familiar with oriental medicine?”

He sure was charming, you thought. You reminded yourself to answer his question. “No, I’m not.”

Kun got up from his seat. “Well, there are many different practices that a doctor of oriental medicine can utilize, like acupuncture, meditation, and herbal therapy...To restore harmony to the human body. I specialize in herbal therapy.”

“I see…”

“I have created an herbal mixture that has worked efficiently to get my patients back up on their feet.”

Incredulous still, you managed to say, “That’s great, Doctor.”

He lifted an eyebrow.

“I mean, Kun.”

Kun resumed, “And I‘ve provided you with the herbal mixture and from the looks of it, the results have quickly taken effect.”

You were speechless. “That’s…”

“I know it’s hard to believe, y/n. But sometimes doctors fail to find other alternatives to help their patients. Which is why I’m glad I’m your primary physician now.”

“Wait, what about Doctor Morris?” Doctor Morris had been your primary physician since you were five years old.

“She’s retired. I’ve been taking on a couple of her patients now.”

“I see…”

Kun looked out your room’s window and smiled to himself. “You don’t trust me.”

“Don’t take it personally. I don’t trust any medical professional. No one has been able to understand my condition yet so…”

Kun replied, “You’ve been let down too many times.”

“Exactly. Doctors just can’t figure me out.”

He turned to you and grinned. “Allow me to prove you wrong, then.”

___

At the recommendation of Doctor Kun, you were assigned to stay in the hospital for the next few weeks to see how the herbal mixture would affect your body if you took it for a longer period of time.

Every passing day, you felt more alive. It was weird to say this but you felt more alive at the hospital than you did before. You were beginning to suspect that Kun’s herbal mixture was actually working.

The herbal mixture was made of feverfew among other medicinal herbs. It had certainly done the trick to reduce your fever overnight. You wondered just what this mixture was made of.

You just finished your online linguistics lecture and closed your laptop. You found Kun waiting at the door. “You free?”

You nodded. “Yes.”

He sat down next to you and pulled some of your favorite candy out of his pocket.

He put the candy bar in your hand. His fingers lightly touched your palm. Your face warmed up at his proximity. “Happy Halloween, y/n.”

Your eyes nearly bugged out. How did he know you loved Twix? You took the candy bar into your hand and almost cried.

“Y/n?” He asked, worried.

You wiped a tear away. “Sorry...It’s just that this time of the year is hard because...I want to celebrate it. Go out and trick or treat...I know that time has gone for me but I hate that I missed out, you know…”

“Y/n…”

You sniffled and took a bite of the chocolate bar. “My parents never wanted me to feel like I was missing out so they would bring the holiday home to me. I was never in need of M&Ms, Skittles, Twix, or Sour Patch Kids…They even helped me make the best Halloween costumes. We would watch a bunch of horror movies all month long...But I wanted to be a kid. I wanted to go out with my friends and go door to door…”

Kun’s heart went out to you. He hated seeing you so down and so deprived of a life that everyone should have. “Y/n, you will be able to do all of the things you want to do in life.”

You looked at Kun and he had a determined look on his face. “How can you be so sure?”

“I’ve worked with people with conditions like yours...They thought they would be attached to the hospital forever one way or another. But with my methods, I was able to help them turn their life around. And now they’re living normally and fully.”

You sighed. “I’m happy to hear that...I just don’t think I’ll be one of them.”

Kun placed his hand over yours. “Trust me, y/n. I won’t let you down.”

You met his eyes, then, and you smiled. “Thanks, Kun. I’ve gotta hand it to you. You’re my favorite doctor.”

He beamed. “Is that so?”

You nodded. “Yeah...None of the other doctors ever gave me so much as a lollipop Even though that seems to be the norm on TV…”

Kun chuckled. “There’s more where that came from, y/n.”

___

It has been a month since you’ve entered the hospital. The medical bills were covered by an anonymous benefactor. Your family didn’t have to worry about the financial strain of your hospital stay.

Your family came to visit you and they were stunned at how radiant you looked. They were surprised at how much more ALIVE you looked when they expected you to be weak and miserable because you were at the hospital. Something about you was different.

“Doctor Kun is a miracle worker, isn’t he?” Your dad asked.

“I heard he’s a sight for sore eyes, too...Don’t you think so, y/n?” Your older sister Sydney teased.

You mom shook her head and helped fluff your pillows. “How are you, sweetheart?”

You smiled. “I’m better, actually. I think Kun’s methods are working.”

“Oh, are you two on a first name basis?” Your sister joked.

You rolled your eyes. “He told me to call him Kun. If you saw him, you’d feel weird calling him Doctor, actually.”

“He’s quite young, y/n. He graduated from a top university in Beijing at age 10. Then, he went to medical school right after. He’s been a practicing doctor for a couple of years now. He’s unbelievable,” you dad said.

Kun entered the room, then. “I hope I’m not interrupting. I’m Doctor Qian Kun. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Your mom was in love with him. Your dad was in shock at how young he was. Your sister wanted his number. You broke their stunned silence. “Kun, these are my parents Donna and Andrew. And this is my sister, Sydney.”

Kun greeted them. “I’m glad you are all here so I can tell you the good news.”

Everyone was shocked at the phrase “good news”. What good news could he possibly have to share?

Kun continued, “Y/n, your vitals are working at optimum level and we want to see how well you can fare by discharging you.”

You asked, “What?”

Kun smiled. “You can start having a normal life...In which you can attend in-person classes, go to the supermarket, take up a sport…”

You weren’t sure about the last thing he offered but everything else he suggested made you jump out of your bed. “Serious?”

Kun’s smile grew. “Yes.”

Your parents gave each other looks.

Your dad started. “Doctor, are you sure about this...y/n has lived all of her life in our home. The only outside world she’s ever known is our backyard and this hospital.”

Kun nodded. “I am sure. I’ve worked with several patients with similar cases as y/n’s and I would like to put the effect of the herbal mixture to the test. If there is any risk, she will immediately be brought back to the hospital and I will up the dosage for the herbs.”

After a few more minutes of discussion, your parents reluctantly agreed to take you home. To alleviate their concerns, you promised to consult with Kun once a week so he could monitor your progress.

You would be going home tomorrow and you had been given the green light to live a normal life. Outside. Go to classes. See your friends. Go to the beach. Buy fruits at the grocery store.

You packed up your belongings and Kun visited you one last time before you left. “Hey.”

You smiled brightly at him. “Hi!”

“How are you feeling?”

“Better than I ever have, honestly. And I have you to thank for that. Look, I’m not sure if this will work out in the end but the fact that I can take the chance and go out there...Thank you.”

Kun ruffled your hair. “I’m here for you, y/n.”

You did admit to yourself that you’d had a little crush on Dr. Kun but who were you kidding? He was so out of your league. You’d had a friend in him and you would always be thankful to him. “I have something for you.”

Kun’s eyes widened. “For me?”

“I wasn’t sure it’d get to my house in time but my mom got the package today. I told her to bring it today when everyone visited so…”

You pulled out a small gift bag with Kun’s present inside.

Kun smiled. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” “You’ve done a lot for me, Kun. I may have my doubts but I don’t doubt your intentions. And they're nothing but good. You’ve been doing so much for me. You’re setting me free...In a way.”

You handed the bag to Kun. He pulled out a little wrapped box from inside. He looked at you as he mocked suspicion.

He removed the wrapping to find a pair of AirPods. He gaped. “Y/n…”

You smiled. “For whenever you need to escape the noise…”

Kun had told you that sometimes he would get overwhelmed with his duties at the hospital and you’d asked him what gave him comfort. He told you it was music. So you figured something as light and portable as AirPods could help Kun calm down whenever he needed it throughout the day.

He smiled brightly at you and surprised you by wrapping his arms around you. “Y/n, thank you...You shouldn’t have…”

You froze. Kun’s toned body was against yours and you could feel the racing of his heart. Your heart probably beat twice as fast. You felt yourself get warmer and warmer. You pulled away from him, his hands on your arms.

He blushed. “Sorry…”

You cleared your throat. “Don’t worry about it…”

Your dad returned to the hospital room. “Y/n, you ready?”

Perfect timing, dad, you thought.

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

___

It may have been the second semester of your junior year but you felt as nervous as an incoming college freshman as you entered Neo University’s grounds for the first time. You were meeting some of your friends for the first time ever.

It was one thing to see them on the screen but your heart accelerated thinking of what it would be like to see them in the flesh.

You’ve been doing well so far with the herbs Kun had sent you home with. You were able to go grocery shopping with your mom. She was still considering whether or not you could go to the beach yet. You hoped that your progress would continue so she would say yes.

You felt healthier than ever. You could breathe well through your nose. You felt no body aches. You were ready to cartwheel across the quadrangle.

First, you had to learn how to cartwheel, though.

“Y/n!!!!!” Jungeun called out to you.

Your blonde best friend ran up to you and jumped you from behind. “Ah!”

“Jungeun!” You gasped.

She laughed. “You said I could touch you so I wasn’t about to hold back.”

You hugged each other tightly.

“Y/n, it’s so good to see you!”

You and Jungeun have been friends since middle school so you were already a sobbing mess on your first day.

“Stop crying, y/n or else I’m gonna…” She started crying, too.

“Enough with the tears, already,” Dejun added.

You and Jungeun hugged Dejun to bother him, then.

He laughed. “Y/n, welcome to Neo U.”

“Thanks,” you said, smiling.

You three went to your seminar together and you were just so in awe of being in a classroom, you had trouble focusing on the lecture. You were even more distracted when you saw that Sicheng was in the same class.

He recognized you and waved. You were yelling so loudly on the inside.

Before this semester, you had the occasional online class that you shared. You saw Sicheng for the first time a year ago and your crush on him grew from there. He was one of the most popular guys on campus, according to Jungeun. You had a group project with him last semester and he was so...Perfect.

He was intelligent and down-to-earth. His smile was so sweet and his eyes pierced into your soul. He was talking poetry. It felt like you were seeing your favorite celebrity in person.

When class ended, you went to lunch with your friends and Sicheng joined you.

“How are you, y/n?” He asked.

“I’m great. Never been better,” you replied.

He smiled. “I’m glad. If you ever need anything, please let me know. You have my number.”

You nodded. “Of course. Same here. If you ever need anything. I’m here for you, too.”

Sicheng chuckled. “Great.”

When you finished lunch, Jungeun couldn’t stop poking fun at you. Sicheng left early for a club meeting. “I’m surprised he didn’t ask you out, then!”

You rolled your eyes. “Ask who out?”

Dejun added. “Me, of course.”

Jungeun continued. “The ‘you have my number’ couldn’t have been more obvious. He wants you in his dorm yesterday.”

You frowned. “And what would we do? Fix his bed?”

Jungeun and Dejun laughed. Jungeun added, “The opposite, y/n.”

Your face heated up then. “Oh.”

Since you have basically spent most of your life either at home or at the hospital, you never even considered the possibility of a love life. You tried to convince yourself that dating sims would’ve been enough.

“Don’t worry, y/n...You and Sicheng can take it slow...He’s no incubus who is trying to take your soul,” Dejun offered.

“True,” you said.

That was if Sicheng saw you that way in the first place.

___

A few weeks had passed. You’d been seeing Kun regularly to check in and everything had gone as expected. You were fine. You weren’t exhibiting any flare-ups. So long as you kept taking the prescribed herbs, you would be fine.

“How is everything, y/n?” He asked.

“Pretty good, actually. School is still school, even if it’s in person. But I got to go to a skating rink for the first time.”

He laughed. “How was it?”

“I am terrible.” You showed your legs. “It explains these bruises.”

Kun shook his head and chuckled. “I’m glad you’re getting out more, y/n. Try and take it one step at a time.”

“Oh, geez. I wish you said that sooner. I already joined a blood cult and I’m getting married next week.”

Kun rolled his eyes as he finished taking notes from your consultation.

“How is everything with you, doc?”

Kun’s eyes widened. “Me?”

“Surely, you’re not always at the hospital.”

Kun sighed. “Well, y/n...it just so happens that I’ve taken residence up on the top floor. The whole floor is my apartment. Don’t really get to spend much time there because I’m almost always on call.”

Your jaw dropped. “What? Kun, that’s abuse. You shouldn’t be working so many hours. It’s against the-“

Kun couldn’t help his smile appearing.

“You sneaky bastard,” you said.

You both laughed, then.

Sometimes you forgot Kun was a successful doctor. Sometimes he felt like your infinitely smarter senior at college.

He was a million worlds away from yours.

Kun answered, “Well, I’m doing fine, y/n. I meet up with friends once in a while and go white-water rafting.”

“That sounds like fun!”

Kun shook his head. “It’s challenging but exciting. I get a rush every time I go.”

You thought out loud. “I’d love to try it sometime…”

Kun pat you in the back. “When you are at one hundred perfect, I’ll give you the green light. Sounds good?”

You nod.

___

You’d wrapped up your midterm and you were ready to head home and take a nap. You walked through the student quad.

“Y/n!” Sicheng called out to you.

You turned around and found Sicheng running towards you.

You smiled, already warm in the face. “Hi.”

“I was wondering if you were free right now…”

“Really? Me?”

He smiled, confused at your question. “Yeah, you. Want to go to the movies with me?”

You nodded. “Absolutely.”

Sicheng drove you guys to the movies. He bought the tickets and the snacks. He let you pick the movie. You picked The Blair Witch Project. It came out over twenty years ago but the theater was doing a limited time screening of it.

You and Sicheng couldn’t shut up throughout the whole movie as you whispered to each and made each other laugh. You’d almost gotten kicked out of the theater.

You left the theater together and he asked you to dinner. You said yes. You were starting to think that this was a date.

“Y/n, this is a date, right?” He asked you at dinner.

You stopped eating your chicken parmigiana and looked at him with big eyes. “I think...Is it?”

Sicheng sighed. “I wanted it to be…”

You laughed. “Oh, thank God. I thought it was all in my head for a second. Maybe you were this nice to all of your friends.”

He pointed out, “I am not this nice to my friends, I can promise you that.”

Sicheng drove you home and kissed you goodnight before you entered your house. You felt like you were floating on a cloud now.

___

Two days later, there was a campus alert that Sicheng had gone missing. His face was all over the news. The last time he was heard from was when he told his best friend Jaehyun that he was going to ask you out to the movies. The last time he was seen was when he took you home.

Sicheng’s car was found a mile away from the dorms. The key was still in the ignition and his wallet and phone were left behind.

You were brought into the police station for questioning and you told them everything that happened the night Sicheng disappeared.

You were worried. What could have happened to him? Would he be alright? Would he be able to come back home? You missed him so much.

You took an evening stroll around your neighborhood to try and calm down. You reached the park where there was no other soul in sight.

Suddenly, you felt a tingly sensation in the back of your neck. You felt that someone was following you.  

You began to walk faster. Suddenly, you were pinned to the ground and everything turned black.

___

You woke up in Room 1196, then. Wait...It wasn’t 1196...It was a different room in Neo Hospital. The room was dark and you could only hear the sound of your breathing. It grew more hysterical with each second.

You felt a burning sensation in your neck. You cried out in pain. You cried out, “Help me, please.”

“Y/n…” You recognized Kun’s voice.

You nearly yelled out in pain but restrained yourself. “What...happened?”

“An animal attack,” he started.

You frowned. “What?”

Kun sighed. “It was good that I was there to help you in time, y/n…”

“What?”

Kun moved your hair out of your face. “I was in the neighborhood when I saw the beast attack your neck.”

“A beast?” You frowned.

“Sicheng, was it?”

Your eyes widened. “How do you-“

“You can’t hide anything from me, y/n...You know that’s not how our relationship works.”

“What are you talking about? Ahhhhh.” The pain was getting to be too much for you.

“Can you put two and two together, y/n? Sicheng bit you.”

You shook your head furiously. “No, he wouldn’t-“

Kun snapped his fingers and Sicheng entered the hospital room. His bright expression nowhere to be found. His eyes were a bright red and his lips had traces of blood on them.

“Sicheng?!” You asked.

Sicheng smiled, showing fangs in his teeth. “Hi, y/n…”

“Oh, my God!” You started.

Kun grew annoyed. “Alright, that’s enough pleasantries for my taste. Go.”

Sicheng walked away at his command.

You began, “What the-“

Kun smiled brightly at you then. This time, his straight white teeth displayed his own fangs. “Y/n...Sicheng has put you in a bit of a bind, hasn’t he?”

You tried backing away from Kun and getting off of the bed but it was almost as if the pain kept you from moving.

Kun ran the back of his hand down your cheek. “When a newborn vampire bites you, the bite is lethal...You could die anywhere between minutes and hours...It depends on the bitten, really…”

You flinched at his touch. “What...did you do to me?”

Kun inched closer to you and you winced. He lathered up the blood that leaked from your neck down to your collarbone.

“What had to be done, y/n. From the moment I first saw you, I knew that I had to have you.”

You cried out in pain. “Somebody help me, please! Sicheng, please!”

Kun, annoyed over you mentioning Sicheng, shut the door to the hospital room. “It’s useless, y/n. Sicheng wouldn’t be in this mess if he hadn’t infiltrated what is mine. Now Sicheng must endure the consequences and be at my mercy. I turned him so now he looks to me for instructions. Until I release him...Perhaps in the next millennium...”

You sobbed. “Kun, please make this pain stop! I can’t take it!”

He cooed. “I know, baby. I want to help you. Just say the word and I’ll make the pain go away.”

The pain dominated your senses so you couldn’t process how exactly he would make it go away. “Okay! Just do it!”

Kun got up onto the bed and straddled you. He leaned down towards your neck and bit into you.

You cried out again but this time the excruciating pain turned into a euphoria so glorious, you never wanted it to end. You wrapped your arms around Kun as he continued to drink your blood.

___

It was morning when you had woken up. You were in Room 1196 now. You shot up from your bed and found Kun seated right beside you.

“Good morning, darling,” he started.

You glared at him. “Bite me. Oh, wait, you already did.”

He smiled. “I see your energy is up. That’s good to see.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m going home…”

Suddenly, you stopped right at the door and your throat started to burn. Your senses heightened and you could sense that one of the nurses was walking right past your room’s door. You wondered what she would taste like if you caught her by surprise right then and there and…

What the holy hell were you thinking?

Kun sighed. “Don’t kill Joyce. She’s the most competent nurse on the staff.”

You ran into your bathroom door and looked at yourself in the mirror.

But you couldn’t.

You put a hand over your mouth and sobbed. “Kun!!!!!”

Kun joined you in the bathroom. “Ah, yes. You won’t be able to gain access to your reflection for another twenty years.”

“Twenty years...What is going on?”

“But what else, y/n? I turned you. To save your life.”

“Turned me into what, Kun?! Say it!”

Kun smiled. “Darling, you already know. Just admit it to yourself.”

You cried. “No…”

“You’ve always wanted a new body. A new life, y/n. And I’ve given it to you. I’ve made you the most powerful creature on this damned planet: a vampire.”

You fell to the ground. You could feel your fangs against your tongue.“Kun! Why did you do this to me? What did I ever do to you?”

Kun sat with you on the ground. “Because I love you, y/n. I never want to be apart from you again.”

You spat in his face. “You made me into a monster.”

Kun, unbothered, wiped your spit away with the sleeve of his coat. “I did not. I made you the best version of yourself you can be. Time for you has become infinite. Your body is immune to all illnesses now. You can see clearly. Your metabolism is in top shape. You are a goddess now.”

You shook your head. “Kun, take it back.”

He chuckled. “You’ve seen enough movies to know that that’s not how it works, y/n...You are mine now. Forever. Just like Sicheng. Just like a lot of the staff in this hospital.”

You shook your head rapidly. “Like hell I’m yours.”

“Y/n, I have been very generous up until this point. Using my blood to help you overcome your chronic condition. Funding your hospital bills...The least you can do is submit to me....”

It was hard to process all of the truths he just delivered. “Your blood?”

He laughed. “You mean you couldn’t taste my blood in the herbal mixture?”

You were about to throw up.

He chuckled darkly. “Admit it, y/n. You loved it.”

“Fuck you, Kun!”

He smiled. “We’ll get to that…”

You sneered. “You are despicable.”

His smile faded. “And you are testing my patience…”  He snapped his fingers at you. “On your knees…”

You stayed on the floor with your arms crossed across your chest.

He frowned as he snapped again. “On your knees, y/n.”

“I don’t think so,” you said.

Kun looked taken aback. “What? How?”

You got up from the ground and looked at him. “I will never submit to you for as long as I live..” If vampires were even considered living.

You ran quickly out of the hospital room, realizing you had superhuman speed now. You were able to leave the historial without facing any temptation to bite someone.

But your thirst had to be satisfied somehow and you had to find a way to quench it without hurting anyone.

___

[2 years later]

You’d skipped town not long after you turned. You sent letters to your family without a return address so as not to risk their safety.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m so sorry I ran away. I had no choice. If I didn’t leave, you all would’ve been in danger. One day, I hope to explain it all to you but in the meantime, live your lives fully and love each other. Don’t take anything for granted. I love you so much and will see you again.

Love,

y/n

You had become an infamous blood bag bandit as you moved across the country, running away from Kun. He would occasionally try and track you. Or he would send his henchman like Sicheng to do it for him.

You were lucky so far. You had never attacked a human being and sustained yourself on some blood bags you were able to nab from donating trucks.

The reason why you didn’t submit yourself to Kun that day was indeed because of his blood. Consumption of his blood made you immune to his influence. He couldn’t have you like he had wanted all along.

Kun had been obsessed with you from the very beginning. When you were discharged from the hospital the time you met him, he continuously stalked you. At college, at the grocery store, at your home...It would explain why he was able to send Sicheng to attack you.

He always knew where you were back then.

Kun commanded Sicheng to bite you then and put you at risk of dying. Kun’s plan was to save you, make you his vampire queen, and control you.

It was a shame he failed to see that his creation of medicinal herbs was the one thing that would lead to his plan’s failure.

You were immune to his commands and you weren’t going to stick around and see how else he would try and “win you over”.

According to your research, in all public records, Kun was now twenty-six. A blatant lie since he couldn’t age. So you wondered how long he would remain in your hometown. You kept a careful eye on your family every now and then. You’ve made some contacts to track your family occasionally, as well.

Kun had stooped low and you prayed he wouldn’t stoop even lower to get you.

You worked hard every day to work on your rapidly growing vampiric abilities. You couldn’t stick around anywhere for too long without arousing suspicion.

Now you weren’t confined to one space anymore.

You were confined to running.

You hoped to one day bring it this madness to an end and take Kun down. Save Sicheng and Kun’s other minions.

And for you to truly be free.

[Fin]

[theblackbirdsgemimagines]

May I request for the Leona, Vil, Azul and our boy Jack getting stuck in their MC's world and their experience? (MC is with them)

Oh sweet Jesus akdhakdhsk FORGIVE ME OF MY RATHER CYNICAL OUTLOOK ON OUR LIL BLUE PLANET 😬 I think it’s understandable to be more cynical than ever in this Hell Year, lolll

Send these poor, sweet babies back home, they deserve better than to be stuck here of all places 😅 ESPECIALLY JACK AAAAAA SAVE THE BABY 💔

Ok, not even going to play with you... Vil would thrive, lol.

Just give him time enough to stop panicking over all his lost clothes, magic, etc., and find new things that works for him and his detailed self-care routine, and whatever he chooses to do, he will make Fat Stacks in.

He’s the male version of Belle Delphine, here ajdhakdhsj

He appears anywhere, on tv with some company to continue his performer career he had back home, or on youtube/instagram, and he is almost immediately just as famous here as he was in Wonderland.

Can we really blame anyone, tho? Look at him.

And there’s no Neige here!

Also, ‘my’ Vil is definitely the one that knows there are many different ways to be beautiful~. He may be a bit more blunt to his friends if he thinks they’re not quite hitting the usual mark their talents place them in. But that’s only because he cares about them, and wants everyone to see their best, as he does~. He’s an absolutely encouraging sweetheart to anyone else/a beginner at whatever their passion is, though~. And either way, he’s your best cheerleader~.

Of course he still just doesn’t feel himself without his magic, or ability to do potions. I don’t think he’d find the witchcraft in our world would suit him very well.

If he was really stuck for good, of course he’d make the best of it. But if he could go home, especially if you wanted to go back with him, he’d jump at the chance. And always be on the lookout for the chance.

But that being said, I think, aside from all the world’s problems, of course, he’d find it interesting just how similar, and vastly different, things are here.

He donates Ass Loads to so many charities, like honestly.

Rich boy knows his privilege, and lets others ride off his advantages as much as he can. 💜

He becomes friends with James Charles. You know he does.

You can’t be truly fully beautiful if you’re not also lovely on the inside, too, after all~!

Rip Rook wherver he is, he is lost without his Queen 😔

Gosh, in direct contrast to Vil, Leona probably suffers the most over here?? Jahdkshdj

I know they based his sleep habits off a irl lion, but that also sounds just a Tad Bit like possible depression to me (along with a lot of the other ways he’s behaved so far, lol).

Get this sweetheart to some therapy, maybe?? Help him get a lil energy boost at least to help him feel better 💛

He’s going to HATE the work pace people have to maintain just to eat here, 100%.

He enjoys the entertainment the most, though~. Video games, things you can watch online, all those sorts of things~. Might like a few of our sports, too~.

Poor bby struggles with having to work, though, please help him 💔

At least he doesn’t have to live under being Forever Prince, here, and doesn’t have to worry about turning anything he touches to sand. And the lions in the zoos are pretty cool to go see~!

He’d probably love it if he could go to Africa and see what our “Afterglow Savannah” looks like here~. Meet the lions that are in the wild~.

I imagine he and Jack would both lose the ears for human ones, and the tails, too. (😢💔) So he probably feels weird seeing himself like that, and might miss his tail. Especially if it helped him with balance. Give him some time to adjust to it~. There’s these neat new tails people made for cosplay, that can move around on their own, if he’d like one to help him not miss his old one so much~!

I had to really think about what the heck he’d even do for a job, cause he’s so grumpy to everyone, retail’s just OUT, lol. And I don’t think he’d be that great at something like youtube, either ajdhsjjd

It’s hard for him to not just lay around all lazy, rather than think of stuff to do for it/actually get up and go do it. Let alone all the meetings, and interacting with fans, and the like.

So maybe actually being one of the zookeepers would be a good fit for him~. He’d be obligated to actually go, and he’d get to be around lots of different animals~. Might help him feel more at home, too~. I think he’d be pretty good at it, and the animals would probably be drawn to him~ 💛

He’d also absolutely challenge the authority here (or anywhere else that has appalling governments, especially if they’re not run by women). The state of things, and the way women and minorities are treated by white men around the world, and men in general, would absolutely appall him. He so drunk on that respecc women juice, he just can’t wrap his head around what the hell the problem is with those rich assholes in power. Put him in power, and he’ll ruthlessly show them what-for! ALL the others behind him would be women! Good grief, humans!

All in all, he doesn’t mind it here, but would also prefer to be home, where he can sleep more, and Ruggie can run around for him most of the time, lol

Besides, that allowed him to spend more time with you~! 💛

(LOOKIT THAT HAPPY BOY SMILE!!! I’M DEAD 💞💞💞)

Oh, Jack. Sweet, sweet Jack.

He absolutely becomes a personal trainer as a job, here. 1000%. He lives that Exercise Junkie Lifestyle, there’s just no doubt about it.

He’s VERY encouraging to his students, though~! Build up that beef, guys, he has total faith in you~! 🤍🤍

He absolutely loooooooves going anywhere to see wolves. He’d probably really love the wooded mountains in Europe, if you ended up there, or in Oregon/Washington if you ended up here in America~. Definitely Canada, or Alaska, too~! Just give him huge trees, snowy winters, and nearby mountains, and he feels right at home~.

Idk if he’d miss his magic a whole heck of a lot, tbh?? But he WOULD miss his friends and family! It’s just not quite the same here, though he thinks it’s beautiful and interesting to see where you came from~. 🤍

He’s a good boy 😭

Also appalled with the state of so many rulers and governings both in your home, and around most of the world, lol.

He can’t stand seeing so many people suffer like that! How can they possibly live the life that’s the most healthy and happy for them to live, disabled, chronically ill, or not, if they’re suffering under an iron fist all the time?!

He CAN’T stand for it. You won’t stop him till he sees good change starting to finally happen. Especially if you live here! There’s no way he can just sit around and have you be subjected to that!

HE’S A GOOD BOY 😭

You gotta calm him down a lot and remind him there are others just as good and kind as he is, fighting to change things too 🤍

God help people if he gets here anytime within 2020-2021. He’s sucker punching nearly everyone he sees without a mask.

He’s also sucker punching every nazi he sees, too.

My goodness, please show him the movie Wolf Children! He’ll hide the fact he’s crying multiple times through it, but it’s one of his favorite movies here~.

If you do manage to go back to Wonderland, please try to bring a copy of it with you. It’s the one thing he’ll miss most, and keep asking to watch with you again, before remembering it doesn’t exist there. 😭

He also misses his tail and ears a lot. Losing all of that + his senses would be very a very awkward adjustment for him, and he wouldn’t really like it poor bby 💔 Give him lots of hugs to compensate U-U 🤍

His favorite thing to do with you would probably be to go hiking, and stay in a little cabin in the woods, for a week or two~. Somewhere in one of the previously mentioned places~.

(I couldn’t find a chibi gif of Azul to use, rip 😭)

Azul is just straight up becoming a mafia boss, probably wkdhakdjjs.

He’s the ‘good’ kind, though. He’s learned his lesson since his overblot, and he won’t outright kill people for not paying him back, or introduce drugs, or anything like that.

He’ll help people obtain what they want as legally as possible... But that doesn’t mean he still won’t be sly as hell about it, haha~.

He’ll protect loyal/good customers and the areas they live in, too~. In fact, he’d probably reDUCE crime from doing so.

He just learns all the dirty ins and outs of everything about how things run here. And as much as he’ll fight for change as the others would, because there’s no way any of that is an acceptable way for you to live, he’ll work dirty in order to take advantage of the system, to do so. What better way, right? Make the dominos fall from the inside out.

He’s a good business man, he knows doing so would also benefit him, too.

He’s like Bruce Wayne if Bruce Wayne was a rich mafia leader jeehskdje

Need health benefits to work for him? Covered. Need above-average pay to actually afford your bills and other stuff? Covered. Need education to do a job for him? They’ll train you.

He’s also practically a Gordon Ramsey, tbh. Lots of his bars will pop up across the world, if he stays here long enough, lol. But they’ll all help a good number of people, in doing so~.

He also donates as much as he can, too. If he’s gonna become even a fraction as rich as Jeff Bozos, he’s ending world hunger and homelessness every year.

And boy oh BOY will he swindle the rich akdhakdhwj

He will whip them so hard, they won’t know what the hell hit them.

He may have been under restrictions at the college, but he sure as hell isn’t here. Watch out as he spreads his tentacles wings.

And, of course, he adores being anywhere near the coast. Doesn’t matter what part of the world you’re in, he just needs to be by the sea.

All the polution absolutely breaks his sweet little heart, and that’s one of the first things on his list to fix. Dealing with trash back home was much easier... you could just zap it all away at big trash fields. But you don’t have that luxury here.

Being that he doesn’t really like his ocotpus form (bbyyyyyy 😢💔), he probably doesn’t mind the permanent legs. At least he doesn’t have to constantly take a potion to keep them, anymore.

But it’s still awkward to get used to. And he can’t stand that he can’t breathe underwater anymore, or go too far down without dying from the pressure.

He’ll dive as often as he can~. And loves to dive, or snorkle, or just swim~, with you, if you want to join him~.

He does miss his home, if only for the beauty and familiarity it had, despite a lot of bad memories around it. But there’s no doubt he’d thrive here, in a way only he could~.

He totally believes your own version of mermaids exists, and gets excited over anything that could prove it to be true 😅

Plus, he’s just obsessed with how marine life works here in general~. If he can juggle being a freakin maffia boss, and a marine biologist just out of the pure love for it, I have no doubt he’d do it~.

Humans most likely evolved from creatures in the water?? That’s amazing~! So the ocean feels like a distant memory of a second home~! He’d love to bond over that, the romantic~ 💜

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #303

“if i can’t be loved, then i’ll be hated”

What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Candy corn or conversation hearts? They're both gross, don't make me pick between garbage. Do you own a lot of earrings? Not really after I weeded them out before moving. What did your backpack in high school look like? I dare say I had the dopest backpack of them all. It looked like a massive Ouija board, and the zipper was the planchet (sp?). Have you ever been to a rave? Nah. What is your favorite art medium? I have a particular fondness of oil paintings. They tend to look so smooth, and you can achieve incredible realism with them. How far away is the nearest hospital from you? Not even five minutes, I think. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My mom. What is your favorite car color? Pink, duh. How did you learn to type? We actually had a class specifically for typing in middle school. What style of wedding dress do you want? I don't have that set in stone yet, but I really do love ballgown dresses with long trains as well as a-lines with a moderate train. I love a lot, except really for mermaid dresses. Do you fit into any stereotype, or are you non-stereotypical? I don't know if I fit perfectly into any and really don't care. Would you want your first child to have your hair color? ???? I don't care about their hair lol?????? It would depend on the hypothetical father, in which case I'd probably find it cute, but this is so, so unimportant. Do you enjoy writing in cursive? Yeah, it just feels good and flowy to me. What is your favorite hair color? Natural? Probably blonde with natural darker undertones throughout. I like blonde hair because it's far easier to dye, haha. Now, if we're including DYED hair, rose gold or pastel pink is *chefs kiss* What is your favorite eye color? Sapphire blue, probz. Would you put your birthday on a different day if you could? Nah, it's fine where it is. What holiday is your birthday closest to? Valentine's. Do you vent on social media a lot? NOOOOOOOO. I barely post ANYTHING about myself on social media because I feel like I'm being annoying, self-absorbed, find anything I do actually interesting, or don't want people to think I'm a whiner. All I ever really do on social media is share or reblog funny shit, things I love, stuff I find relatable or inspirational, educational, important for whatever reason, etc... Do you have abusive parents? I am very thankful to say no. Is your house haunted? Doesn't seem like it. What's your favorite thing to watch on YouTube? I'm in a real WoW-related phase lately... Watching my favorite streamers, gold farming guides, and other various aspects of the game. What are five health problems that you have? I talk about the mental issues enough, so I guess I'll talk about physical stuff here. Uhhh I have very low blood pressure (it's a med side effect), I have extremely weak legs following muscle atrophy, I have bad tremors, especially in my hands (amplified by medication once again), maybe TMI but we're adults here and it's a legit issue that I have chronic and severe conspitation, aaaand then of course I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) to a fucking outrageous and also humiliating degree. Ooooonce again as a prescription side effect. This answer made meds sound kinda bad, I know, but really, I'd rather have the will to live and just have to deal with these than want to die everyday and not. Do you have surgery coming up? No, let's keep it that way until I lose enough weight and when I am 110% getting loose skin removal. Which family member(s) do you look the most like? My sisters, ig. People say my mom also, but I honestly don't see it. Have you ever cried while watching a YouTube video? Yeah, usually just in let's plays, but it's happened for other reasons. Are you missing a website that just shut down? Nah, none that I know of. NO. FUCKING WAIT. So, when my laptop was fixed, a LOT of shit was wiped from it, and that included all of my goddamn Lightroom editing presets. The site they were from no longer exists, so I had to use a different, pretty sub-par one to install at least a few because it helps me get a start on editing the photograph and leaning towards the "vibe" I want before spending like 15+ minutes tuning it myself. Would you be a barefoot bride? No. Which would you rather name your daughter: Eliana, Echo, Emerald, or Ellery? Ohhh, I like these. I think I prefer "Eliana," but "Echo" is a close second. "Ellery" is nice, but it sounds too much like "celery" to name my kid that lmao. Which would you rather name your son: Maverick, Matthew, or Moses? Ugh, none, honestly. But "Matthew" wins. When was the last time you gave a speech? Like a *legit" speech? Probably not since uhhh... I guess when I argued my disability case at court? Does that even count? Have you ever been in a stampede? Well, never seen this'n in a survey before, so good job, lol. No. If you were a fairy, what color would you like your wings to be? It would depend on what I wore, really. And my hair. But probably light pink. Would you rather name your son Storm, Skylar, Sorin, or Solomon? "Sorin." "Skylar" is SO Southern, and "Solomon" sounds like the creepy kid all his classmates avoid and I ain't putting my kid through that. Did you read a devotional this morning? Not my jam. Would you rather be named Arizona, Alaska, Cali, or Georgia? Hm... "Alaska" is actually kinda cool???? And I'm white as fuck so lol????? I wouldn't mind to nickname of "Ally," anyway. Are you repulsed by ugly reptiles? lololol bro get out Did all your friends know about your first crush or was it a secret? I was definitely secretive and shy about it when I first started getting crushes. Do you ever feel insecure about going out without makeup? I feel insecure either way, so... How many different natural hair colors are there in your immediate family? So, this is a hard question to answer. My mom was born with brown hair, but it darkened to almost black; only her daughter Katie inherited that. By some genetic magic, Dad had blond hair as a kid, but it also turned black. Like... how?????? I was born with dirty blonde hair like him, and mine turned an average brown with age. My immediate sisters have always had brown hair. What is your favorite online game? World of Warcraft is ballin'. Would you ever want to be famous and sign autographs? Ha, the idea of signing autographs is awful... I can't physically write very long without my carpal tunnel flaring up. Do you like your shirt to be loose or tight? LOOSE. Especially as a bigger person, tight shirts are just really uncomfortable. What is your favorite Spanish name? I don't know nearly enough to answer this. Would you rather visit Asia or Europe? I think Asia is, in general, more interesting and prettier as a whole, but I guess I'm drawn to European culture being more like my own and there are specific locations I'm interested in, like Germany or Scotland. So to answer the question, I guess Europe wins. Are there any Asians in your family? I don't believe so. Have you ever had colored braces? Haha yeah, I did that when I had them. Do you take birth control pills? Yes, just for period cramps. Without them, they can be immobilizing for me. If you live in the USA: do you feel free and safe? Ha, no. Well, not *entirely*. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? I was recovering from the stomach virus, if that counts. As in I still got sick the day before and felt iffy on my actual bday. 17th, I think? Is talking about your past painful for you? Yes. Are you a member of any support groups online? I'm a member of The Mighty site, if that counts. When I'm feeling very, very sound of mind and helpful without all the negativity being a detriment to myself, I do like going on there and trying to help or comfort people. Have you ever called a suicide hotline? Yes, and the line was busy, and that's when I decided I was a goner. Do you ever fantasize about revenge? I uhhhhh... sometimes. What's a movie you would recommend to someone who never watches movies? Ohhh, that's hard. I don't really watch movies either, and I'm trying to think of one that essentially anyone would like, so hm. Oh, Coco is absolutely a possibility. That movie touched me so, so deeply and is high on my favorites list. It's impossible to not feel the emotions. Do you want to have grandkids? Hell, I don't want kids. Do you want to be an aunt or uncle? I already am one, and I love being an aunt. Who was your favorite Spice Girl? I don't remember their names or characters in general. Did you make a lot of home videos growing up? I mean *I* didn't, but Mom filmed quite a few. Do you enjoy babysitting? NO. What's an unpopular opinion that you have? Avoiding some political ones, uhhhh. OH. HERE'S ONE. THE SCENE AESTHETIC IS FUCKING CUTE AND NOT CRINGEY AND YOU CAN FIGHT ME ABOUT IT. Are you attracted to the opposite gender, same gender, or both? Both are A+. Was your first crush on someone of the same gender or opposite? Opposite. As a kid, I didn't even fathom the concept that women could date women. What is something you'll never eat again? Why? Brussel sprouts. Fucking disgusting. What is currently happening that is scaring you? Besides the very obvious answer of "Covid," I worry about my mom a lot. She's so weakened after all the chemo and meds and can do literally less than I can without heavily breathing and sweating. I just worry a lot that cancer will return sooner than we hope; I don't want it to EVER come back, but doctors say it is very, very likely at one point or another because she was so very close to Stage 4. What would be your personal hell? Being completely and entirely isolated forever while somewhere hot and humid, lol. And play one of my trigger songs on repeat eternally. What made the "weird kid" at your school weird? There was this poor guy named Alfred that was VERY clearly depressed out of his mind, and I heard him speak maybe once through all of high school, and the entire class couldn't believe it. He always sat way in the back and never smiled. I wonder how he is nowadays. What is a word you personally find offensive? "Retarded" personally offends me the most when misused and spoken as an insult. What instantly puts you to sleep? Now that is HARD to do; I have a ridiculously hard time going to sleep. The easiest way though would probably be me being drained from an emotional breakdown. That is so exhausting that I'm capable of crashing pretty fast and hard. What song is in a language you don't speak, but you love it anyway? I adore Rammstein, so there's plenty. I'll probably say "Donaukinder" is their best. What is something you would like to do if you weren’t judged for doing it? I keep that I RP a complete secret in my "real" life for this reason unless it's like, pried out of me. What's a movie you think everyone should watch? Why that one? Johnny Got His Gun. See how goddamn disgusting war is. What was the most unexpected good thing that's ever happened to you? Ha, realizing I was bisexual after once being homophobic. What is the funniest fact you know? Oh man, I know a lot of random trivia shit, really, so it's hard to say. Maybe that quokkas throw their offspring at predators to distract and escape from them... As awful as that is, c'mon, you gotta admit it's funny and shocking with just how adorable they are. What was your 'mic drop' moment? Oh, I don't know. Possibly when I publicly came out as bi on Facebook and made it abundantly clear that I gave no shits about some homophobic friends and family & I was beyond willing to let anyone's ass go over it. What's the kindest way a stranger has treated you? I remember as a kid at McDonald's, the woman in front of our car paid for our food; apparently seeing a mom, dad, and three kids in a van was enough that she wanted to just be kind and give us a smile. We have no idea who she was, never saw her face or anything, she was just a sweet woman. What is the biggest design flaw of your body? Okay, I'm going to let go of all hatred for my body weight-wise and just think of this as from a strictly natural design perspective, in which case I'd say my toes are too small. What age are you afraid of turning and why? 30, because I'm terrified of getting there and seeing I've possibly gone nowhere. What is the strangest thing you have ever felt? I'm keeping this question in just because I think there could be some interesting answers for others, but I'm witholding my answer because nobody wants or needs to know lmao. What makes someone immediately unlikable? Acting better than others and belittling. Who's a villain you sympathize with and why? D A R K I P L I E R because of his origins and overall purpose and just simply existing. What is something you regret to NOT have done? I have this oddly weird regret of not going like, all-all the way with He Who Shall Not Be Named????? Idk why though????? Considering I loved him way too much and I was a reckless and impulsive person who probably at some point would have wound up accidentally pregs????? What a fuckin trip that woulda been. What movie changed your life for the better? None have really "changed my life." What book you think should be directed as a film? Oh, idk. Most I can think of have been. Of all the decades you've lived in, which one have you liked best? The 2000s, probably. A carefree kid. How are you doing today? I'm exhausted. While out with Mom and my sisters yesterday, we got behind a van whose driver was obviously drunk or high off his goddamn ass, and he was swerving EVERYWHERE, nearly shoving so many cars off the road. Mom called 911 to get in contact with highway patrol to report his dumb fucking ass in. I was having an absolute panic attack and cried quietly like the entire 45 or so minute drive home. I was just so, so upset because this is why I don't fucking drive, and I felt like I'd made my sister (who was driving) mad because she had to firmly tell me I had to calm down (I was hyperventilating and talking to myself to try to calm down) if she was going to focus and keep us safe. She later ensured me she wasn't mad, but I still wasn't the same the entire rest of the day. Anyway, I slept hard last night but had two nightmares, so I'm still really tired today. I'm trying to keep myself really distracted. What's something your relatives don't know about you? A whole lot really, considering beyond my very immediate family, I see almost nobody because they live many states away. What's something your parents did, which you have sworn never to do? Mom would spank us or slap an arm pretty hard if my sisters or I misbehaved or "disrespected" her by "talking back." I'm not having kids, but I would never, ever, ever, put my hands on them in any way that isn't loving. You do not teach children via inflicting fear. I also have this probably overly strong aversion to beer because that's what Dad always drank as an alcoholic. I'll probably never try it, not that I really want to because it smells awful. What's the most annoying thing your pet does? I feel like "annoying" is the wrong word for this, but Roman (my cat) can be incredibly demanding of attention and to lie on me when I'm on the laptop in bed, and sometimes I just want space and be able to clearly see the screen, haha. He will legit meow like a baby and gently swat my arm sometimes if I try to keep him back. Heeee usually gets his way. As for Venus (snek), she does nothing "annoying" either, but rather a bit concerning to a snake mom: she is usually very slow to find and strike her food. I feed her frozen/thawed mice, and she will first slither around her entire cage, tongue flicking and clearly looking for her food, even though I always place it atop the same spot on her hide, and she can have her head RIGHT beside it and still do nothing. She ultimately generally eats (as a ball python though, she's a picky eater and will occasionally reject a meal), but I of course wonder why she's odd about dinnertime... As a champagne, she does have the notorious "spider gene" in her, which can cause neurological issues, but idk if something like this could be related.

[higherxoplaces]

The Universe Put Us Here for a Reason- Part 1/2

I don’t think I ever really enjoyed clubs. The loud music and hoarding strangers always had me leaving with a headache. But there was always a fear of missing out that whispered behind every objection. It's what motivated me to sit at my vanity in front of the hundreds of products that crowded the surface. It’s what made me change my outfit ten times and carried me to sit in the front seat. I sang, danced and drank thinking that it would make me miss the comfort of my bed less. But when I saw how much fun my friends had, I stayed. What kept me from running was the pure joy radiating from the people who I loved most. Sawyer, Sebastian and I all had a full course load with jobs and if partying is what got them through their stressful weeks, who was I to stop them.

Sawyer had pulled Sebastian on the dance floor. Sawyer glowed under the colored lights as she swayed her hips to the beat of the bass. She was happy any time she wasn’t forced to wear the stiff collared uniform enforced at the restaurant she waitressed at. Sawyer always took pride in expressing herself outwardly and gained confidence when wearing heels and a mini skirt. Sebastian followed her lead, trying his best not to spill their drinks. He was finishing his first beer and his sobriety showed in his slightly stiff movements. Sebastian stood tall with deeply tanned olive skin and full dark brown hair. Anyone of the females here would have gladly occupied his time but instead he chose Sawyer.

I stayed on the sidelines. Finding myself perched on a barstool as I kept an eye on my friends. I never drank as much as everyone else. Not because I had any strong beliefs against alcohol I just didn’t like being hungover in the morning. I kept myself entertained by people watching. I like watching the shifts in the crowd as the music changes. I sipped on a vodka cranberry that was more juice than anything else. My attention was stolen by two girls in hysterics coming out of the bathroom. I was trying to see the guy they were pointing and yelling at when Sawyer snuck up on me. She ambushed me from the side, nearly knocking me off the stool as her arm wrapped around my waist. She was panting with a smile on her face and glassy eyes. Sebastian was on her heels and sidled up to my other side. 

“Mars,” Sawyer whined, her head coming to rest on my shoulder, “Why are you sitting here all alone?” 

Sebastian had his arms crossed while he leaned back on the bartop. His olive skin glowed and the blacklights made his pearly white teeth glow blue. Sebastian had started to feel the effects of the room’s growing humidity as he fought with damp curls to stay in place and out of his eyes. “You’re not hot right now?” He asked. 

I had to crane my neck to look up at Sebastian. “Thankfully no. It’s not too bad over here. This spot is perfect for people watching, might just take up residency here for the rest of the night.”

Sawyer huffed, the alcohol on her breath made me crinkle my nose. She lifted her head, still keeping her hold on me. “Oh no you’re not. I wanted us to jam out together. And who else is going to sing all of the throwback songs with me.” 

“Sebastian can dance with you,” I volunteered, “He might not know all the words but he can make sure you don't start a mosh pit.”

Sebastian shook his head, “Nope can’t do it by myself. I’m going to need back up.” 

“Marzipan,” Sawyer’s eyes widened, blue and round, when she used her nickname for me, “Please I need my favorite dance partner.” 

I patted her arm, the best comfort I could provide in our awkward position. “If this is you trying to guilt trip me into dancing, know that it’s not going to work.” 

“I already know I have to get you inebriated for you to dance. Please, you act like we haven’t been friends for the last five years.” Sawyer rolled her eyes. 

I groaned, “But I already got comfortable.” 

Sebastian hummed in amusement at Sawyer and I bickering. “She’s not going to let up Mars. Chronic Believers are supposed to have a set tonight.” 

I should have known why Sawyer had insisted on coming to this specific club. Phazed was an older establishment that profited on it’s tradition alone. The alcohol was cheap and there were a lot of people we knew here but the overall atmosphere was so overwhelming. I would have preferred the bonfire that we had been invited to. Chronic Believers helped me understand what felt like the endless sea of people that seemed to fill in the already packed space.They were a band that held most of their celebrity status on campus but still earned a decent online following. Their sets were entertaining from the few I could actually pay attention to. Most times the roaring audiences drowned out the songs. The only time I’d seen their faces were quick glances as I scrolled through social media. 

“Fine,” I agreed and hopped off the stool. Sawyer detached herself from me to cheer and even clap. “But you're coming with me. Both of you.”

Without objection she followed, only stopping to refill her cup before we made our way to the side door. Sebastian let us lead him, never complaining as Sawyer and I pulled him by either hand. We had to bob and weave to avoid dancing bodies and scattered chairs and tables. The outside air had an early fall chill. I wished I hadn’t left my cardigan in Sebastian’s car but it wasn’t cold enough to deter me from finding a secluded spot at the back of the designated smoking area. Having come here so often I knew rounding the corner if the building brought you to a pocketed corner where a cluster of bushes separated the space from the back employee parking lot. It was away from the stench of the dumpsters and not a lot of people knew about it. Lucky for us we were the only ones back there at the time. The music turned to distant thumps and the only voices we heard were whispers in the wind. We dropped down to sit on the concrete bench provided, the freezing stone seeped a chill to my thighs and backside through my jeans. I couldn’t help but admire the sleepless streets of the city. In the daylight it held a quaint charm but now it was littered with cigarette buts and red solo cups. Sawyer was unbothered by the change of temperature with the alcohol warming her from inside. Sebastian in contrast had goosebumps forming on his forearms. 

Sawyer produced a disposable vape pen and cell phone from her cleavage. WIth her first pull we were surrounded by a strawberry scented cloud. The street lamps provided us enough light that I could make out the varying expressions of my friends, but still far enough away to keep the gnats and mosquitoes from bothering us. Sebastian sipped from Sawyers cup, frowning at the burn of the vodka. Sawyer had a lazy smile and leaned back on one arm. The spot wasn’t ideal but it was a nice break to the constant stimulation of the club. 

“So are we all in agreement that tonight was much needed?” Sebastian asked, his voice breaking the comfortable silence that had settled. Sawyer hummed in agreement and cocked her head to the side in the same wonderment. 

I had been lighting one of the pre rolled joints I kept handy at all times, almost choking on the thick smoke when I tried to laugh. “After a long week you look forward to watered down drinks and cold alleys,” I managed to choke out between ragged breaths. The musky scent didn’t mix well with the strawberry smell. “We could have had fun and been a lot warmer if we had stayed at my place. I would have even cooked.”   

Sebastian hummed with a shrug of his shoulders. Sawyer huffed, her eyes rolling, “We can stay in any night. Tonight offered us an opportunity so we are taking it.”

“Listen to Sawyer, Mars. There might be something to her fate written in the stars spiel. Maybe her crystals told her something magical is going to happen tonight.” Sebastian quipped as he took the joint I offered him. 

I was starting to feel my body relax and welcomed the haziness that clouded my brain. The stillness of the nighttime might have been unnerving to others but it brought comfort to me. 

“I’m not trying to make a psychic prediction, I'm just saying everything happens for a reason.” Sawyer said, making herself giggle. 

“Or,” I countered with nudge to Sawyer, “You know that you're pretty enough for the frat boys to buy your drinks all night.” We all laughed now. Sebastian going into a coughing fit, wheezing to catch his breath. 

Sawyer threw her head back, her silver septum ring flashing in the yellow light. “Oh no,” She said suddenly, her face twisting an undisguisable expression, “I laughed too hard and now I have to pee. Damn you vodka.” Her declaration only made us laugh harder until Sawyer squeaked and crossed her legs.

“Go to the bathroom,” I told her, trying to put some authority in my voice. A fleeting attempt as I still couldn’t hold back laughter. 

She sighed, her fringe bangs fluttering against her forehead. “Hold on,” She said with reluctance. In one swift motion Sawyer had plucked the joint from between Sebastian’s lips while managing to rattle her cup enough and the red liquid sloshed over the sides. After two consecutive lung fulling pulls she gave it back to him. Sawyer pulled herself up, taking a moment to fix her skirt. Turning to me said, smoke spilling with her words, “I totally respect that you don’t like alcohol but I’m feeling pretty good right now.”

I rolled my eyes and used one hand to poke her hip. “Go to the bathroom,” I reminded her. 

Sawyer swatted me away while she was inhaling from her vape pen. “I’m going. Stop being so pushy.” 

I reached for the joint, Sebastian placed it between my middle and index finger. He was standing up and dusting off the seat of his pants. “I’ll go and make sure she doesn’t get lost. Are you good here.” 

“Yeah I’ll finish this and meet you guys in there.” I said 

Sawyer looped her arm through Sebastian with a theatrical salute. “Randevu in ten minutes,” She confirmed, “Then we will be dancing our pants off.” I knew I could deter her from her plans. I knew one way or another Sawyer would have me in the middle of the dance floor with her even if it meant dragging me by my hair. When I didnt respond immediately she held out a ring adorned hand and said, “Pinky promise.” 

Begrudgingly I hooked my pinky on hers in the wordless promise. Sawyer, pleased with me, turned on the balls of her feet and bounced away. Sebastian fell into step Sawyer as they made their way back inside and I was thoroughly impressed that Sawyer was able to keep her balance in the six inch heels that she wore. 

“I’m gonna time you,” Sebastian called over his shoulder, “And text me if you need anything.” I gave him a thumbs up, not feeling like yelling after having to for the past two hours with the blaring music. Even in the limited light I could see Sawyer lifting the red cup and finishing what was left in her cup.

As their silhouettes disappeared into the darkness I was left in silence and I was not bothered by it. I pulled out my cell phone, starting a cycle of scrolling through Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat, really only paying attention to every other post. The trill of the nocturnal birds kept me company as the minutes ticked by. The will to focus on the screen lessened as the high set in. The words and pictures started to blur together and gave me a headache. I abandoned my phone on the empty space of the bench and closed my eyes, allowing myself to lean in to the high. Until the chirp of my phone cut through the peace. A text message from Sawyer, why I expected something different is a question for another day. What I couldn’t predict was the series of text that came after, one right after another.

OMG I am going to start screaming any minute!!! 

Chronic Believers have entered the building

Our friend Seb apparently knows one of the guys helping out with merch and got free tshirts

I’m not gonna lie but I kinda took advantage and got one in every design

I immediately sat up ready to take off sprinting to the club and shut the whole establishment down before reading the second text. The playfulness of it told me that she wasn’t about to end up on the internet for the next viral drunk girl fight. However with Sawyer, that didn’t eliminate the suspicion that she was up to something. A beat of silence passed before the next text message came in. It was her need for theatrics and dramatic timing. As a film student Sawyer often translated her skills into other aspects of her life. Then a picture popped onto the screen. The bright flash lit up Sawyer’s face and she wore the biggest smile I have ever seen her have. In her arms She held her loot of t-shirts and looked as if she was on her way to the laundromat with the amount she had. 

My joint died as I waited for Sawyers  ext. I set my phone back down in the grass beside me and went to work relighting it.  When I didn’t answer right away Sawyer texted again. I didn't pick up my phone until I had a steady burn and the tip of the joint glowed red. The newest text message made me laugh out loud. 

Call my parents and tell them i wont be home for Christmas because I have decided to dedicate my life full time to be a groupie lol  

I was thankful for Sawyer's company even if it was through text messages. While I could do without the claustrophobia and the pounding in my ears that never failed to carry in to the morning, Sawyer and Sebastian were the only thing that made it tolerable. And that could be said for life as well. 

I dont think admissions gives out refunds on tuition 

Also I dont think a touring bus is as glamorous as you think it is 

The three little dots appeared in the bottom left hand corner of the screen. I waited for Sawyer's response as I continued to take drags from the considerably shrinking joint. My face was starting to get warm and my lips felt numb. I felt as though I could float away like an unattended balloon. The buzzing in my brain was like a white noise machine, soothing but pushing most of my thoughts to the four corners for another time. My phone dinged again, startling me in my stupor. 

Also I need you to hurry up because I need you to make sure im still cute incase I see Gibby

I wished I knew which one Gibby was, as much as Sawyer expressed her love for Chronic Believers on a daily basis I was guilty forgetting a lot of the specifics. The guilty only subsided when Sebastian was around and had ro get clarification as well. 

Is gibby the base player or the drummer 

I just ask that you tell Sebastian to record it if you have to resort to Blair Wood’s patented bend and snap

If it somehow worked out that Sawyer would get her chance the live out her fantasy of meeting, and surely charming, Chronic Believers it would also be the closest she has come to meeting a celebrity. It was even funnier to imagine Sebastian, standing stoic as ever as Sawyer lost her composer. So I refused to sabotage her excitement. I prayed that Sebastian would at least translate for her, knowing Sawyer got tongue tied when excited. I typed out my next message double checking for spelling error, not trusting that my first attempt would be mistake free as my motor skills felt like they lagged. 

The drummer duh

Sawyer sent a laughing face emoji followed by a fingers crossed emoji. I tapped out of Sawyer’s message thread and clicked in to Sebastian’s. The clacking of my nails on the glass screen seemed louder than ever in the still air. 

Almost done outside. Meet you guys by the bar? 

Sebastian’s text was almost instantaneous. 

Will do. Let me know if you need us? 

I sent a thumbs up and locked my phone, letting it fall into my lap. I relished in what could be my last peaceful moments of the night. My eyes closed and I fell into an impromptu meditation. One arm supported my weight as I leaned back and stretched my legs out. I focused on the muted sounds, letting them ground me in the moment. The scraping of tumbling leaves, a car horn on the main road a few streets over and footsteps. Then I recognize the distinct thump of the heavy industrial door leading into the club swing shut. When I opened my eyes I expected to see a stumbling couple in search of privacy. Instead I saw a lone figure rounding the corner. 

When they passed under the street light I saw it was a guy. His focus was on his cell phone as he walked. He didn’t notice me until I sat up. Both my hands got busy, forcing me to balance the joints between my teeth. One unlocked my phone and pulled up Sebastian’s contact option as the other unhooked my mace from it’s place on my belt loop. 

“I didn't mean to scare you,” The stranger spoke first, “I thought I was the only one who knew this spot.”

I hid the mace in my palm, he still had potential to not be creepy. Raising an eyebrow I took the joint from my mouth holding it with two fingers behind my phone. “It’s okay. I don't usually see anyone back here either. Unless they are going behind the dumpster.” 

He chuckled, breathy and sinful. “Oh the infamous dumpster. Nothing sexier than spiders and trash.”

Maybe it was the weed or maybe it was the way he dropped his already deep voice an octave to make spiders and trash sound salacious. Either way I awarded him a smile. “Well it sounds like you know from experience,” I teased. 

“Never been, but I have enough friends to hear the stories.” He took a few steps forward. Not enough to ring any alarm bells but close enough to let me know he was engaged in the conversation. I could now make out his strong features that casted jagged shadows on his dark jacket. He had a face that seemed vaguely familiar but I couldn't place it to a specific name. 

“I’m Hudson,” He introduced himself. It fit him. Hudson was tall with wide shoulders and a lean build. His dark hair was styled just messy enough to be on purpose. Along with a denim jacket he wore black distressed jeans and a black t-shirt underneath. His outfit was clean and well fitted, however the classic high top vans he wore had seen better days. The tattered laces and scuff marks told stories of past adventures. 

I disarmed the trigger of mace but still kept it in hand as I began to gather my things. “I didn’t mean to monopolize the only quiet hiding spot,” I said bracing my feet so I could push myself up. 

Hudson put a hand up to stopping me. “No stay. Don’t feel like I’m running you out,” He said before quickly adding, “I mean if you want to of course. Besides this might be the only quietude you have for a while.” 

“Are you hiding from the chaos too?” I asked, recognizing the need for clarity when everything around you felt like a riot. 

“Hiding is a strong word,” His eyes flickered to the ground before returning to mine with the rest of his answer, “I’m having a conversation with a pretty girl.” 

I would have never admitted it out loud but I was blushing, grateful for the cover of darkness. “Well who am I to stop you.” I hoped my voice was even and projected a false confidence. Hudson didn’t seem to notice as he didn’t hesitate to collapse on the bench next to me. My taser was returned to my belt loop and I reminded myself of the quick release latch that it hung off of. I offered what was left of the joint. “I promise that it’s not laced.” 

A beat passed before Hudson accepted, his smile growing wider when he did. Never taking his eyes from me Hudson brought it to his lips and took a generous inhale. On the exhale he coughed a few times but not the chest rattling ones I had expected. He grinned as he tilted his head back to watch the smoke dissipate above us. “Wow, that was smoother than I thought.” 

“The weed or the fact that your lung almost collapsed.” Hudson laughed and offered the joint back. I shook my head and said, “I’m good for now. You are more than welcome to kill it.” 

We sat in a comfortable silence as Hudson took pulls. I unlocked my phone to find two text messages from Sawyer. 

Did you get eaten by a coyote? What is taking you so long

Text me you are okay. I need my dancing partner

Than one from Sebastian. 

Are you doing okay? Sawyer is ready to send out a search party and will be very upset if she loses her ‘front row’ spot

I responded to both of them in the group chat that included all three of us. 

I’m good, just got caught up talking to a guy 

I sent the message then turned to Hudson. He spoke first catching slightly off guard. “Is gibby the base player or the drummer I just ask that you tell Sebastian to record it if you have to resort to Blair Wood’s patented bend and snapIf it somehow worked out that Sawyer would get her chance the live out her fantasy of meeting, and surely charming, Chronic Believers it would also be the closest she has come to meeting a celebrity. It was even funnier to imagine Sebastian, standing stoic as ever as Sawyer lost her composer. So I refused to sabotage her excitement. I prayed that Sebastian would at least translate for her, knowing Sawyer got tongue tied when excited. I typed out my next message double checking for spelling error, not trusting that my first attempt would be mistake free as my motor skills felt like they lagged. 

The drummer duh

Should I only refer to you as ‘pretty girl' or can I know your name?” 

“I think it’s only fair,” I paused, the light from my phone screen glowed in the space between us, “But only if you do me a weird favor.” 

Hudson only continued to grin almost as if he was on the verge of laughter, “I will only participate in your weird favor if you take my jacket. You look like you need it more than me.” 

Before I could object Hudson was already shrugging off his jacket and I was surrounded by the warm denim. The exchange was quick as Hudson held the joint with his lips, the tip red and crackling.  He draped his jacket over my shoulders and retreated back to a friendly distance. Hudson’s cologne clung to the fabric. I used the jacket as an improvised cloak. The scent was sharp and fresh yet warming. 

“So what is the weird favor?” Hudson asked. Even sitting down, Hudson was taller than me. I found myself lifting my chin so I could study him. Fear ached in my stomach at the thought that this might be the only time I would have to spend with Hudson. I memorized the small things like how his jaw clenched to hold back a giggle that threatened to bubble out. Or how he would lick his lips each time the wind would pick up. I couldn’t tell if his eyes were green or brown but I could imagine them warm and inviting in the right lighting. Again he laughed, a sound I would not mind hearing on repeat. “I’m starting to worry what this favor is.” Hudson’s eyebrows raised in question. 

That’s when I noticed that I had been staring. Wide eyes and slacked jawed, I was proud of myself for not literally drooling. I lagged at myself, the sound breathy and forgin to my own ears. “Sorry, I completely blanked,” I was painfully aware how my voice faltered. I was also newly conscious of how my hair had been slowly escaping the confines of hair tie and fell at odd angles. “It’s not too weird,” I promised, “Would you mind taking a picture with me. It’s for my friends, in case you are a serial killer.” 

Hudson didn’t flinch. He gave a heart melting smile, one that was lopsided and toothy but full of charm. “How should I pose?”

“Here,” I said shifting closer to him, “Behind me is okay, nothing too crazy.” 

“Is it cool if I put my arm around you,” Hudson asked, leaning forward. 

THe butterflies that erupted in my stomach surprised me. There had been plenty of guys who had put their arm around me, a gesture innocent enough. However none had ever asked. Yet here was Hudson, patiently waiting for my permission. And when I did he gently draped his arm over my shoulders, letting me relax back into his embrace. I held up my cell phone, angling it so our faces were center. We shifted until what we saw on the screen wasn’t so blatantly awkward. I found myself completely comfortable in Hudson’s embrace. His chest was flush to my back with his forearm secured across my chest. I was surrounded by the warmth that radiated off of Hudson. 

“Ready?” The question came in a squeak. 

“Hold on,” Hudson turned his head, bringing the joint to his lips and taking one last long pull before the glowing tip faded. I felt his chest expand, balloon for a moment then compress. Not once did he loosen his hold. On the exhale he crushed the butt under his sneaker. “Ready,” Hudson confirmed as he settled back. 

I gave a countdown before clicking the button and the shutter went off, blinding me as the flash pierced the darkness. Hudson ducked his head down to inspect the picture and awed. I agreed with his praise. You would have never guessed we’d only met less than ten minutes ago. Both Hudson and I wore stupefied grins. “Wow we look good together.” I blurted out and immediately regretted it. 

Hudson chuckled and took his arm back. He didn’t fully pull away from me. In the absence of his arm, Hudson still stayed close. I missed the warmth that he surrounded me with, even with the jacket I wanted Hudson’s embrace again. 

“I was thinking the same thing. But-” His pause was punctuated by a wagging finger, “We can talk about how cute we are together later. You still have to hold up your end of the deal.” 

I was typing out a quick message to go with the picture while I was listening to Hudson. When the message was sent, before I could lock my phone, Sawyer's message appeared underneath mine. It was a series of drooling emojis. I felt a surge of confidence from her support. 

“What about the mystery?” I asked when I put my phone down.  

Hudson shrugged and a sitcom worthy sigh pushed passed his full lips. “By all means uphold the mystery but I think it might get a little old if I call you honey the whole night.”

I wouldn’t have minded at all. The word sounded like it was made for his voice. “I’m sure you can think of other pet names,” I joked with the hope that it would deflect how flustered I truly was.

“Yeah there’s baby, sweetheart, sugar and darling,” He listed off on his fingers, “But I’m not really a fan of those. I hope this isn’t our only meeting for the night and it might not be effective if I’m looking for you and I shout one of those into a crowd of people.”

“So you’re a man of efficiency. I can appreciate that,” I paused watching Hudson’s brows raise, my teasing intriguing him. “For efficiency's sake of course, I’m Mars.” 

“Mars,” He repeated back as if testing the sound on his lips. The question was obvious in the way he tilted his head. 

I laughed, used to the questions that followed every introduction. “My mom is an astrologer. Certified hippy and fortune teller.” 

“The planet of energy, action of desire. Do you live up to your name?” 

I raised my eyebrows in genuine surprise. “Impressive. Was it Seventeen Magazine or Cosmo?”

Hudson rolled his eyes, “In my defense my sister had a monthly description to both and I’m an Aries.”  

“You know they just recycle horoscopes right?” 

Hudson mimed himself being stabbed in the heart. “Why would you tell me that. How will I know to watch out for great financial opportunities each month?” 

I laughed at his dramatics, “Oh I’m sure their on staff astrologist isn’t just another overworked intern using a computer generated tarot card application they found on Google. Have you ever had a genuine tarot reading?” 

“Well there was this one time when I went to New Orleans with my friends and-” Hudson was interrupted by the chorus of a song from Papa Roach. He apologized and fished his phone from his back packet. There was a second of hesitation, his eyes bouncing from me back to the phone before he pressed talk and brought it to his ear. Hudson didn’t bother with a greeting to who ever was on the other line. He listened for a few seconds before saying, “I know, I just got distracted. I’ll head back now,” A pause, then he smiled looking back at me, “A good distraction I promise.” I could hear what sounded like a round of cheering on the other side. “Everything ready? Alright cool. I’ll be there in five.” 

Hudson hung up the phone and returned it to his pocket. A pout tuned down the corners of his mouth. Before he could explain I stopped him, “It’s okay. We’re at a party, can’t sit in a frat house lawn forever. But I will hold you to your early promise of finding me later.” 

“Scouts honor,” Hudson promised, holding up a three finger salute, “If Mars doesn’t work then I will be shouting Honey all night.” 

I giggled a girlish sound I wasn’t used to. “It’ll be like Cinderella, except instead of a glass slipper it’ll be a pet name.” 

We fell into a comfortable silence. I was well aware of Hudson’s gaze on me. So desperately I wanted to tell him to forget the party and just stay in the solace of darkness with me. But we were truly only strangers with our own priorities for the night. As supportive Sawyer could be when it came to her friends' love lives I still made a promise to her well before Hudson stumbled for my attention. 

“I heard that the Chronic Believers are playing the club tonight so it’s probably gonna get crazy in there,” I said, an attempt at stalling, “Don’t get sucked into the pit.” 

Hudson sat up a little straighter and grinned a little wider. “Do you go to Chronic believers’ shows often, like a fan.” 

I shrugged, “Not really, their whining emo boy band style isn’t for me. I come to a lot of their gigs for my best friend Sawyer. She’s the real fan. Most of the time I get pushed to the back -” It was my turn to be interrupted. The ringing was the familiar beeps that signaled Sawyer  was calling. I tugged my phone from where it was tucked under my thigh. If I had the option to decline her call without the risk of Sawyer immediately going into a panic, I would have. So I apologized as best as I could to Hudson, before sliding the accept button. Hudson was far from bothered, nodding to me with understanding.

I was greeted with the static of booming speakers and Sawyer shrieking before it dissolved into a giggle. “Sounds like you’re having fun,” I questioned. 

“Do you know how much I love you right now,” She said, the vodka obviously taking its toll on her speech. Between her slurring and the party raging around her I could barely understand Sawyer when she asked, “I could totally kiss you right now. Wait, Are you with Hudson, can he hear me?” 

I giggled and stole a peek in Hudson’s direction. He busied his hands with a stray piece of thread but his chuckle gave away his poor attempt to hide a curious ear. “You're yelling into the phone so yeah he can hear you, keep it PG-13.” 

“Well, I proud of you and dont fuck it up.” Her voice faded for a second like she was covering the speaker, then another loud giggle. “Don’t worry about going to the bar, make your way to the front we’re right in front of the stage. I’ll have a fresh drink waiting for you when you get back.” 

“Okay I promise, five minutes.” I said. She made a vague threat before telling me she loves me and hung up. Turning my full attention back to Hudson. “I think we have to stop stalling and go back in.”

He groaned and it melted into a laugh, “I figured, just didn’t want to.” Hudson stood up and stretched, his shirt raising to expose solid muscles underneath. I made one last check that I had all of my belongings before taking Hudson’s extended hand. He pulled me up, assuring I was steady with a gentle hand on my hip. 

“Maybe if we walk slow we can have another minute or two?” I said when my feet felt heavy taking the first steps.

“I’ll go as slow as you want me to,” Hudson said, offering me his elbow for me to hold on to. I gave no second thought to placing my hand on his bicep, the rigid muscles flexing under the thin cotton of his shirt. I was  thankful for the continued warmth that Hudson provided as the wind picked up. We walked in a comfortable silence for most of the way back to the house. The rest of the world slowly came back into existence as the voices from other patrons came out the door, bringing the pulsating soundtrack with them as the door swung open. Hudson and I stepped out of the way to allow them to pass. His arm flexing protectively around mine as he paused to look down at me.“How long are you staying after the set?” 

“Not really sure,” I told him, “I usually just go with whatever my friends decide to do.” 

“Well I plan on keeping my promise to find you. So maybe you might be able to convince them not to leave right away.” 

“I’ll see what I can do. Some say I have a talent for persuasion,” We  separated from each other but like a pull of gravity Hudson and I stood face to face with barely two inched between us. He leaned against the brick wall with one shoulder, his hand balled in the front pocket of his jeans. Hudson’s eyes moving to my mouth as I bit my bottom lip did not go unnoticed by me. I rode the wave of confidence that flipped in my stomach.  “But if you can’t find me with all the dancing drunk people. Take my number.”

Hudson’s eyebrows shot up and for a passing moment I braced myself for rejection. It was quickly soothed by Hudson grin growing even wider. “Would you believe me if I told you I was trying to work up the courage to ask you. I thought I missed my chance after we took the picture.” 

I laughed at the fact that we were both adults and still held onto the same consternation that highschoolers did. Hudson produced his cell phone and handed it to me in a matter of seconds, the dial pad at the ready. “You should have just asked,” I spoke while I keyed in my phone number, “I was here thinking that once we went back in we would lose each other for the rest of the night.” 

When I handed his phone back Hudson typed out a message to me and I felt the notification buzz before he had it back in his jeans pocket. With his attention back on me I realized how much more I could clearly see of him in the new light. His hair was a deep brown and had a softness that made me want to run my hands through it. But what captivated my attention was the faintest of scars that connected from his top lip to just under his left nostril. So badly did I want to reach and trace the thin pink line. 

“I hope you know I mean it Mars,” Hudson spoke, full lips still curled into a half smile, “I want to see you again.” 

Before I could express my absolute delight in his statement a whistle cut through the humming noise of whispered conversations. Hudson recognized the sound immediately, his eyes rolling and he mouthed an apology to me before spinning me back around. 

The guy was coming towards us in a light jog and held an expression of annoyance. As he came up the side street I realized he looked identical to Hudson, save for the fluorescent green hair and paler skin. “We have been looking for you for the past thirty minutes, where the hell have you been. Smoking a cigarette doesn’t that fucking long.” 

Hudon sighed and stepped aside so the guy with the green hair could see me. “J this is Mars, Mars this is my brother Julian.” 

Julian’s head tilted down, eyeing Hudson’s jacket still around my shoulders. The annoyance melted instantly and Julian’s eyes lit up in intriguement. “Well Mars you fit my criteria as a plausible distraction. I wish I could leave you kids to,” He paused, his lips puckered as if trying to find the words to say, “Further distraction but my brother and I have an entire club to entertain.” 

Hudson groaned, and I could only imagine them as children egging each other on. “No worries, I was just giving Hudson his jacket back.” 

Julian moved between Hudson and I turning his back so he was facing the heavy metal door. He didn't have to be facing us to know Julian had been grinning as he spoke. “Not blaming you at all,” A pause, just long enough for Julian to pull the door open, “Just the way your jeans are fitting you tonight.” 

Hudson shoved at his brother’s shoulder eliciting a boisterous laugh from Julian. Hudson was less than amused, “J, just go inside, I'll be there in a second.” 

“You said that last time. At least get her your number.” Julian teased. 

Hudson bit back the retort. Instead raising the middle finger to his  brother’s retreating back. The hiss of the Pneumatic controls above the door punctuated Julian’s retreat. “He’s an asshole. I promise it’s a personality thing and not a trait passed through genes.” 

I smiled, genuinely amused with Hudson’s brief regression to boyhood. “Here,” I said shrugging off the jacket, “I promise not to hold it against you or him.” 

“Hey if your still cold-” Hudson spoke with fidgeting hands. 

I interrupted him with a shake of my head, “Hudson you’re stalling. I’m going to keep my end of the deal and stay after the set so you can keep up your end. Besides, both my friends and you friends are looking for us. I have to let Sawyer know that I didn’t fall down a well or got kidnapped. You don't need to give up your jacket for insurance.” 

Hudson made a face that I could only describe as awe but he was quick to replace it with a smile that made my heart race. “Pinky promise so I know it’s real.

My first reaction was to laugh, not remembering the last time I had made a pinky promise with someone other than Sawyer. Her firm belief that breaking one would result in a missing appendage. But I was brought to an abrupt silence when Hudson extended his in the closing space between us. My eyes moved past the black painted nail and locked on to the black line work that curled under his cuff. I silently cursed the cooling temperatures that October brought.

“I’m not kidding. I need reassurance. Say what you want about a pink-”  He was expecting to have to win me over. He was surprised, adding a sparkle in his eyes. They were brown, I noted. 

“I don’t break my promises. It’s kind of offending that I would give the impression of a person that would,” I chewed my lip to hide the smile. 

Hudson tucked one of my rogue curls behind my ear, static ignited where the pads of his fingers grazed my cheek. “I’m holding you to it.”

[modern-oedipus]

Update: I vented (both to my journal and a trusted friend), made a therapist appointment (I can get one per month but the time has come), cleaned my room and came up with some useful ideas to help me on the following semester. The recent days have been tough for me but I am overcoming slowly. I’m grateful for everyone who respected this and helped me the best they could.  Tomorrow I’m leaving for a (delayed) vacation. I’ll watch out for social distancing and hygiene as always. I have been worried and nearly depressed at the thought of online-college even though I am fully aware of the risks in-person education would bring. I’m not one to decide what my university is going to do, but I will get precautions to protect my mental and physical health. Of course there are things I can’t control, things unfortunate and horrifying and perhaps inevitable, like catching the virus and/or losing someone I love, dying, or being given permanent damage. This reminds me of the times when I was around 17 and there’d be attacks on Paris and I’d freak out. Anyway, this is a different threat, but it still leaves a trace even if I am not directly facing it.  But... There are things I can and cannot control. It’s important to focus on the parts I can control, right? So that I can be the most ready for the worst case without constantly worrying over it. Overdosed anxiety is really useless. (Fun fact: I never thought I had chronic anxiety, but my therapist low-key called me out once saying that I tend to have anxiety, even though she cannot fully diagnose me with it since my “symptoms” are not severe enough, but that they could become a problem if I didn’t keep them in check.)  But well, how can’t you be anxious in this time and age?  I think it’s humanly to be anxious, just... It’s just as humanly as being angry or bitter or salty. What matters is to acknowledge that anxiety and process it healthily without making it toxic for me or people around me.  So let me just vent this: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I fucking hate this, I’m so tired of always trying to “protect” my mental health, like, the moment I got my personal problems together, covid19 started. My precious college experience, of whom I lost 1.5 years due depression, got cancelled. Outdoors got cancelled. We don’t know what this virus is or how long I can’t go to the events (congresses, stage plays, concerts, protests, everything... that makes me feel alive and connected and happy and hype) or whether this covid leaves a permanent damage. My parents fucking divorced, and even though the divorce itself hasn’t been traumatic for me I still... switch houses... it’s just... weird. I miss having my family together. I miss doing the things I love, going out, laying on the grasses in front of the faculty with my Starbucks cup and chatting to my two best friends about anything and everything, going to classes, leaving classes, my best friend dragging me to the music faculty so I can listen and record him playing piano, or that we can go out for partying, or we can hit to gym, or we can stay for a coffee chat with everyone, or go to our cheesy dining hall lunches, join to 6 pm events, stay in library to rush a homework together, run to the classroom as we repeat out the enzyme names loud because we just have a quiz, wearing our lab coats and taking silly pics, pretending we get the next Nobel prize as we go to lab, visiting the student’s office in my newspaper, standing on the line of orientation and welcoming the freshmen with giant pics and convincing them to join our club, dancing, petting campus dogs, buying even more Starbucks, I just... I miss everything so much. This is my final year and what if I can never get to experience such a beautiful experience again? What if it is ruthlessly stripped from me despite the crazy tuition fee I pay for online fucking classes? Who on their right mind wants to do online college? It’s the best college here too, like... It ain’t even a bad college, so I can confidently say that I’m missing out A LOT. I know it is like this worldwide but... It doesn’t make my pain any less. And I know this is not a “big” problem compared to getting the virus, but this is severely impacting my mental health so even if this is not a “big” problem, this is valid and serious enough to drive me miserable, which means I need to talk about it.  I miss everything so much. It’s just.  JUST when I’m out of depression and feeling alive...  That I’m homestuck.

I had so many chances that I wasted half of it in my freshman year because I was suicidal. Now I am full of life, but home stuck, and it just hurts, okay? It fucking hurts. Even if I go study another major after this (I considered this since I studied a stem major but I really want some psychology/philosophy/media related things additionally) I will be, idk, 22? It won’t feel the same as being 21. No one can give me the 2020 back. I’m honestly just... so, so, so, so, SO sad. This is overwhelming. This much of online education is too much. And I know that even if we go to campus it’s not the same because we have to wear masks and stay split and cancel big events (which, believe me, I most religiously follow, the virus is no joke and I never let my guard down even for a second) so it won’t be the same. Just... why... why... why... If this virus really came because some guy ate a rat in China, then... 

On the other side, as sad and horrified as I feel, I don’t want to “waste” my time just because it’s “online”. I want to make the most of my time. I want to enjoy whatever I have, I just need to stop obsessing over “why...” and “what if...”s. I need to accept... that life is like this. But god, I guess that’s something for therapy because I’m honestly bad at accepting things which are genuinely unfair to me. Worse since this unfairness is not something that can be just “solved”. It’s not like a friendship conflict. It’s a bloody pandemic, what can I do?  Oh, right, speaking of what I can do, I’ve actually come up with a few solutions. They don’t “solve” the issue but they can decrease the damage enough that I can go on my day to day life at peace. 

But I’ll not talk about the solutions here, I just wanted to vent. I normally don’t post this type of vent here (the miserable ones) but since I refuse to write anyone in dm-s right now, I thought you could read it if you’re worried. I’m sorry but I still don’t want to talk to anyone (except those who are excluded), so.  Anyway, take care! 2020 is crazy but if we can get through this year we can probably get through many other challenges like they’re little snacks! Love you all!

[kimimarothechosenvessel]

What songs do you associate with your muse?

Tagging: @super-kame-love @amethystamazon @fire-hearted-father @shadows-of-shimura @clankilling @porcelainheretic @thenagaraja @thatsneakymedic @the-excisionist @setsukix @hana-tsukioka @ofink @theunfeelingartist @floravain @haku-in-pink @seijunin @snagglefangswordsman @berserkcd @kijinosairai @kaless39 @snakesage @crybabyanbu @lionxdog @leafmedic @uminosclassroom @bakisensei @introverses @taintedartist @blood-haired-god @mizubound @crimsonflute @only1one1me @noblegentlemangai @uchihacollector @logvrsn1 @sasukeuchiha-eternalmangekyou @hcshigaki @sagekisame @dangoattack @sushinoshisui  @masshirohebi  @wrathbinded @frogprinceus 

and anyone I forgot or who wants to do it!

~~~

When I listen to my car radio, certain songs always remind me of certain characters. They’re not always characters I roleplay, but I’d better stick to the ones I have blogs for here. I’m going to combine all my characters in one post so you don’t have to hunt through all my blogs.

Kimimaro: @kimimarothechosenvessel

Boats and Birds

I first heard this song online rather than on the radio, but from the first listen it has always embodied Kimimaro for me. The vocals remind me of the childlike innocence that made it so easy for Orochimaru to manipulate him. The swaying accompaniment is gentle, yet it carries a foreboding undertone–this submissive soul will pour himself out until it leads to his doom.

“If you’ll be my star I’ll be your sky You can hide underneath me and come out at night When I turn jet black And you show off your light I live to let you shine I live to let you shine But you can skyrocket away from me And never come back if you find another galaxy Far from here with more room to fly Just leave me your stardust to remember you by.”

Unfortunately for Kimimaro, Orochimaru did “find another galaxy:” Sasuke. But Kimimaro was still content as long as he could still find a way to be of use, because then his existence would have purpose again.

Hayate: @selenophilephile

Photograph

Hayate is my most well-adjusted character, at least while he’s alive. Around four years younger than his classmates and battling a chronic illness, he still managed to become a tokubetsu jounin (swordsmanship specialist) and spy with his transparency jutsu. Unfortunately, he is most remembered for dying at Baki’s hand while on the way to warn the Hokage about the impending Konoha Crush. 

In a beautiful and heartbreaking filler episode, Kabuto revives Hayate with Edo Tensei and forces him to fight his former allies. Hayate eventually encounters his lover, Yugao, and begs her to stop him by killing him again. With great difficulty, she does it, but not before he reassures her that the vows they made to each other weren’t a mistake, even if it ended up this way. (If you haven’t seen this scene, you’re really missing out.)

“Photograph” reminds me of Hayate because Yugao is shown looking at an old picture of them together, and because the music reflects his gentle, steady nature. The refrain even sounds like something Edo Hayate would have told Yugao if he’d had more time:

“You can fit me Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen Next to your heartbeat where I should be Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me Well, that’s okay baby, only words bleed Inside these pages, you just hold me And I won’t ever let you go .”

Tomomi: @mama-gekkou

So Brave

Tomomi is my only original character on Tumblr. I’ve hardly done anything with her, mostly because her headspace is so dark. She’s a civilian who grew up completely unaffiliated with shinobi culture. Then she fell in love with a shinobi and moved to Konoha when she married him. They had a son: Hayate. You can see where this is going.

Hayate was sick his whole life, and Tomomi did not want him to be a shinobi. Even if he could manage it, she hated seeing him suffer, and she hated that he was in danger so often. But Hayate idolized his shinobi father and became determined to follow in his footsteps. When her son was killed, Tomomi couldn’t help seething with resentment towards her village and her husband. In the world she came from, little boys weren’t encouraged to risk their lives in battle. If Konoha hadn’t made that look so attractive, and if his father hadn’t encouraged Hayate’s ambitions so much, he would still be alive.

I had to look for a song for Tomomi, but I ended up finding a little-known ballad an American woman wrote about her son, who unexpectedly decided to join the Army.

“I remember when you learned to walk, I remember when you learned to talk, But I can’t remember when You learned to be so brave.”

Shin: @saisbrothershin

Renegades

Shin is the boy who was raised in ROOT with Sai as brothers. Sai didn’t even have a name yet–he only received “Sai” for his mission with Team 7–but Shin held onto the name from his former life. He even managed to hang onto his personality, despite Danzo’s brainwashing the ROOT operatives to have no names, feelings, or identities. But Shin cared more about his brother than about ROOT, and I think this song perfectly captures his optimism and detemination to find a better life for his brother and himself. Also, the blog title “Two Kids, You and Me” comes from this song.

“All hail the underdogs All hail the new kids All hail the outlaws Spielbergs and Kubricks It’s our time to make a move It’s our time to make amends It’s our time to break the rules Let’s begin

And I say hey, hey hey hey, Living like we’re renegades Hey hey hey, Hey hey hey, Living like we’re renegades Renegades, renegades”

Heathens

This is the other song that always reminds me of Shin. Towards the end of his short life, his ebullient spirit was broken by ROOT’s brainwashing, the guilt of unethical secret missions, and a terminal illness. The only thing keeping him alive was the hope of losing to his brother in their forced battle to the death. When Sai remembers Shin’s death, we see someone bitter and despairing. “You must kill your emotions, or else duty will destroy you,” Shin tells Sai, as if speaking from experience. In my verse with @shadows-of-shimura , the last straw for Shin was severe physical abuse at Danzo’s hand for breaking a very minor ROOT regulation in order to save his brother’s life. This whole song could be a look inside the desolate, isolated world of ROOT:

“Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn’t mean our brains will change from hand grenades 

[…] All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don’t make any sudden moves You don’t know the half of the abuse.”

Yukimaru: @yukimaruthecinnamonroll

Yukimaru, the sweet child who forgave his mother’s murderer and even let her adopt him, is so precocious that he has his own theme. That he played himself. On a leaf flute. Look at this kid. 

It’s called “Guren” after Yukimaru’s repentant adoptive mother, but it’s Yukimaru who plays this music during the story. His dead mother taught it to him, and it expresses the bereft child’s longing for a home and a family, or even just “someone to think about me.” Even though Yukimaru and Guren were filler characters, their theme became a mainstay of the Naruto OST.

Lullaby for a Stormy Night

Yukimaru is a little boy who saw his mother and his whole village killed, was captured and experimented on by Orochimaru and Kabuto, was forced to control the Three-Tails despite it nearly killing him, and then learned that his newfound protector was the one who murdered his mother and everyone he loved–and he still retains the joy and innocence of childhood. If any character deserves a happy ending, it’s Yukimaru. Thank goodness he got one. This utterly nostalgic song perfectly portrays the bond between Guren and Yukimaru. It evokes childhood so much that I ugly cried when @amethystamazon sent it to me. Best of all, the scared child sings with the mother at the end:

“And I hope that you’ll know That nature is so The same rain that draws you near me Falls on rivers and land On forests and sand Makes the beautiful world that you’ll see In the morning

Everything’s fine in the morning The rain’ll be gone in the morning But you’ll still be here in the morning.”

Bonus: Apologies to Guren, Yukimaru, and Gozu, but this song also reminds me of them. (Of course that’s Gozu on the guy’s part.)

Gozu: @standbyyourwoman

Believer

This is the only song where the video is as important to the character as the music. The video shows two muscular boxers fighting. One is young and eager, while the other is grizzled and resigned.  Gozu may be closer in age to the young one, but his character is much closer to the older one, who reluctantly destroys his opponent’s optimism and naivete because they have to continue their battle, no matter what. There is a particularly relevant part at the 2:50 mark that you won’t hear on the radio, where the music stops and the two men have an exchange that sums up Gozu’s character in one heartbreaking gesture and two words.

I’ve already written about why Gozu is amazing: he has a heart of gold despite both his appearance and his background suggesting anything but. His pointy teeth suggest that he’s from Kirigakure, where he would have had to fight his classmates to the death just to graduate from the Academy as a child. Then he was captured by Orochimaru and experimented on so cruelly that it drove him temporarily insane. Then he was left to rot in one of Orochimaru’s prisons until Guren showed up and made all the prisoners fight to the death (again) so the survivors could help on her mission to have Yukimaru control the Three-Tails.

But Gozu doesn’t see any of these things as the defining event of his life. What was the defining event? After going berserk from the experiments, Gozu was left in solitary confinement without food or water. When he was dying of thirst, Guren happened to pass by, and she brought him a drink. It saved his life. Gozu fell in love with Guren then and decided to dedicate his life to her service.

 “You made me a, you made me a believer, believer Pain! You break me down and build me up, believer, believer Pain! Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain My life, my love, my drive, it came from… Pain! You made me a, you made me a believer, believer.”

Bonus: the fourth verse mentions, 

“Last things last By the grace of the fire and the flame You’re the face of the future, the blood in my veins.”

Who’s the “face of the future” and might as well be “the blood in my veins” after Gozu and Guren leave at the end of their arc to start their new life? That’s right, Yukimaru, their adoptive son. I’m gonna cry again.

In Case You Didn’t Know

Speaking of that new life, it brings its own challenges for Gozu as we’ve been roleplaying it. He used to be Guren’s subordinate. Is he still, or is he something more? How does she feel about him now that they’ve lived together with Yukimaru for a while? Gozu is afraid to ask, but I’m not sure how long he can hide the way he feels about her, especially since he’s already given his life for her at least once. They’re parents with a child, but what are they to each other? For Gozu, Guren is the same to him as always.

“In case you didn’t know Baby I’m crazy ‘bout you And I would be lying if I said That I could live this life without you Even though I don’t tell you all the time You had my heart a long, long time ago, In case you didn’t know.”  

~~~

Oh, yeah…

A random crow: @randomcrowsummon

It’s one of Itachi’s crows. It doesn’t get a theme song because it’s a flipping crow. If you’re an Itachi, Shisui, Sasuke, or Kisame, or you just want to interact with a crow that may or may not be a genjutsu, have at it.

~~~

Hope you enjoyed and that some of you do this, too!

[courageousfire]

It’s two in the morning and I can’t sleep. So I’m putting this under the cut because it’s so long.

You don’t have to read, it’s just some thoughts and observations.

You know, it’s funny how much people can destroy you, even after they’re out of your life.

The other day, my mom brought up my past with school and how I had no support from anyone but my own family. And I honestly haven’t really thought about how much I was shaped by those years until recently. I’ve always been upset with my school district for how they treated the mentally ill. Long story short- I was offered no accommodations because it was deemed too late to start getting them my senior year. And even in that year, with a diagnosis and everything, I was scolded for leaving class for “just” an anxiety attack or missing a lot of days from my chronic depression and migraines. While that was terrible in itself, my life was fouled up long before that even happened.

Fourth grade- when I was only 10 years old- I moved here and things were fine for a while. Everyone was nice enough. But soon, everyone lost interest in me and no one really cared anymore. Well, they found other ways to get their entertainment. I was only 10 when the bullying started. I was a very oblivious child and hung out around the people I thought liked my company. It turns out, they liked me around for a laugh.

Thankfully, it was nothing too bad or noticeable- then again, that’s from my own interpretation at that age and mentality. Sure I was socially abused and outcast, but I thought nothing of it at the time. 

I remember this kid on my bus- he was my first real friend. He was physically abused from his father and his life was rather horrible. I felt bad when I saw him alone, so I talked to him. He was nice and caring. But, he liked more “feminine” things. So, of course no one cared about anything else- they just focused on what was different. That was when I started noticing how mean people could be. But, maybe they just don’t understand, I thought. They called him gay as the slur it was used as at that time (and unfortunately, sometimes currently). I defended him. I defended him because he was my friend and he was nice and he cared as much as I did. Of course, the friend of an outcast isn’t any better, I guess. So I was treated the same as him. Honestly though: I didn’t care. We had each other and that was enough for me. 

One day, he vanished. I guess he started living with his mom away from his father. And I’m glad he did because it seems like it was good for him. But, selfishly speaking, it wasn’t for me. Now, I really was alone. Sure I had a few other people that talked to me and I would sit with, but nothing like the friendship I had with him. 

Now, I’ve never been very physically adept. As far as I can remember, I’ve nearly always struggled with breathing and endurance. I just never had stamina. I wasn’t as strong as everyone else. I know I’m more graceful and elegant, so things like dancing I did pretty well in. But, of course the physical education here was absolute shit. It was a requirement for every year I attended school, and every year they increased the testing score needed to even pass it. I always came short. And, naturally, it wasn’t measured by improvement or anything but how we stack up to what the state deems average. They were always ridiculously high, so of course I failed them every time. The mile? You had to finish under 9 minutes just to get a D-. Anyways, that in itself caused a lot of verbal bullying from the guys. 

Skip ahead to eighth grade, when my depression really started taking form. I was getting more sad and it was getting a bit harder to complete things I could’ve easily done. Being a solid A student every year prior, my then B average grades caused some concern from my parents, but nothing major. I started getting much more self conscious about how others perceived me, and I wanted people to like me because I didn’t. I got clingy to those I hung out with because, I thought they were the only ones who did, so I wanted to focus on them instead of everyone else. 

My friend started to date a guy who started showing his distaste for me right away. I guess he was jealous or way too protective, I don’t know. But I wanted to let her know without him being there or hearing. So, I wrote her a note and stuffed it in her locker. The next day, he approached me as soon as he saw me across the hall. It was honestly terrifying. He came straight for me with that look in his eyes that was a huge red flag. As soon as he caught me, he twisted my arm behind my back and threatened me. 

We ended up in the vice principal’s office. He got off with a warning and told not to let his emotions get the best of him. Me? I was disciplined for “provoking” him. I got a lunch detention for “improper use” of the lockers fr putting the note in it. The first time I was actually bullied so obviously- I was blamed. I respected every single adult. They’re supposed to help you when you need it. They’re supposed to protect you when you can’t protect yourself. So if they blamed me, it must have been my fault. Right? After that, I blamed myself for a lot. And, people let me. I would apologize for every little thing. And the only thing people would say is that I apologize too much. But I was never given any kind of proof that I didn’t have reason to apologize.

Fast forward to freshman year. Things were pretty similar, but the people I thought were my friends started talking to me less and less. And, I blamed myself. Now, my school hosts a dance every year where the girls are encouraged to ask the guys. And, I liked this guy in my class. We sat by each other the semester before and he was really nice to me then. But, that semester, the day I dressed up and wore makeup to look nice, I realized what a jerk he was.

I walked up to him when he was standing around his friends. They weren’t really talking or anything so I went up to him and tried to make some conversation. The first thing out of his mouth was “what are you doing?” in a very condescending tone. I was still pretty innocent for that time, so I politely smiled and tried to explain that I was hoping to talk to him alone. “What makes you think you can talk to me?” His friends started laughing. Now, obviously I’m starting to get the hint and apologize. But, he didn’t stop. “Don’t ever talk to me.” This time it was the whole class laughing. I didn’t notice that everyone’s attention was on us until then. “Why would anyone want to talk to you?” I laugh along because I thought better to laugh it off, and they were probably laughing for a reason. “No one wants you here.” I looked around for some kind of help, but I didn’t get any. Even the two teachers in the room that were listening and watching did absolutely nothing. I remember being in the bathroom alone in a stall crying and wiping my smeared mascara from my face.

The next few years, it got almost impossible to do work, to want to work. I only found content in music, and even the band was against me. I considered them family, but no one wanted me there. They said the and would be better off without me and that the semester I had to quit due to a heart surgery they said it was a good thing. I tried to ignore them because I still loved music. It gave me something to enjoy. 

Sophomore year: the same dance comes around again. One of my friends at the time told me his girlfriend didn’t want to go. So I thought it’d be nice to go together as friends. What a fool I was. We hung out with another guy and had a good time. But, the next day of school, I found out his girlfriend broke up with him. He didn’t really want to talk to me about it, so I gave him space. But, I started noticing people staring at me, more than usual. I knew people were whispering about me. But- I didn’t think anything of it because I was used to it. I knew they were just rumors, and didn’t really know what was wrong until someone called me a “whore” while passing me. Okay, well it might have just been someone else behind me or something. It kept happening all day. Of course, I was very confused as I was probably the only virgin in that school that had no intention of having sex or even dating.

Turns out, his girlfriend was waiting for an excuse to break up with him. So, she used me. She claimed someone had seen us making out during the dance and possibly more. That rumor spread quickly, and soon everyone in the school knew it. It probably didn’t help that I was his rebound crush- but... anyways...

One day at lunch a kid I’ve never seen before calls me over so to isolate me. I went over to his table where his friends were laughing. Alright, whatever. He suddenly asks me out as a joke. I, of course, explain that I don’t even know him. “I didn’t think whores were so formal.” I didn’t know who he was, but he clearly knew me.

I had to go through every day of the rest of my education like that. I grew so numb to it. At least, that’s what I thought. I thought I didn’t care anymore. But looking back now? Yeah. That fucking hurt to no end. And, the sad thing is my mom was right. I had no support through any of that. The teachers and peers did nothing. I... really was alone. I didn’t keep a single friend from high school because they soon joined in on turning on me. Some just faded, but most suddenly switched sides. Then again, they were always on that side.

Every time I doubt myself, every time I think negatively about myself? It’s a decade of abuse and bullying and depression and no support through any of it. For so long, I just assumed they did it because it was true. If it wasn’t someone would’ve stopped them. Someone would’ve said something to contradict what I’ve heard. The first time that happened was two years ago when my dear- and first online friend, Dante- told me I was worth something. I denied it, and still do sometimes. Only because I genuinely believed for so long, I wasn’t. Ever since the beginning of Junior year I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts. And honestly? I have no idea how I’m still here. I... I had no future, no support, no one to love me or even care. And yet... I still kept going. I guess it was hope for something more. Four years later and I’m struggling to keep that hope I had so long ago. 

I’m sorry for constantly doubting and venting and clinging. I’ve just... never had people to listen. People to care or love me. And now that I do, I don’t exactly no what to do with it. I just want you all to know that I love you all, and even if I’m so afraid of these things repeating and friends leaving and being alone, I appreciate your friendship. Even if I’ve only talked to you a few times, you’ve made all the difference and I can’t thank you enough.

Erasing ten years of damage is far from easy, but you make it possible. 

Thank you.

I love you.

[someoneesthings]

What do you do when you feel sad? حد سأل كده علي quora و دي كانت بعض من الاجابات عشان منساش والاقي حاجة اعملها وانا زعلانه😌  Scott Danzig, Software Engineer at Lockheed Martin Written Feb 13, 2014 Originally Answered: If you are sad, what do you do to cheer yourself up? SLEEP  Quite honestly, the most underrated cure for the gloomies is a good night's sleep.  Often, a lack of sleep has a lot to do with WHY you're sad.  Now, it's not going to work for everyone, but it's powerful.  My experience is this: There was one day where all I wanted to do was sit on the couch.  I was tired, and upset at a lot of things.  I just didn't care.  I knew it was unlike me to be this way.  I'm nearly always the one that's always happy.  But that day, I did not care about anything.  I couldn't be motivated to do anything.  I just wanted to sit there and be left alone.  That was my one very small window into what clinical depression was all about.  I was very worried about how long this feeling would go on.  I finally brought myself to do one thing, and one thing only.  Go to bed. I woke up the next morning able to smile.  It was all gone, and I had slept so well.  I had the energy to do whatever I wanted.  I still remember what went through my head, but it simply no longer affected me.  What a difference a good night's sleep makes! Now, I'm not going to pretend this is some sort of cure for clinical depression.  While maybe I briefly experienced something similar, they're affected by a chemical imbalance in the brain that keeps them from recovering.  They usually need medical help for that.  But for everyone else, don't underestimate how important sleep can be on your general day to day mindset.  Get enough sleep, and try not to dwell on anything too much until you've had a chance to "sleep on it".  Promise yourself that after you wake up, you can feel however you want, but give your body a chance to help you first... to dull the pain, and make the world seem just a bit better. Oh, and looking at pictures of my cat Luna helps too :) If you’re interested in seeing more of Luna’s appearances on Quora, check out my blog, Luna's Scrapbook!  Max Sim Li Chien, Anthropology Enthusiast, Puzzle Lover, Aesthetique Nitpicker Written Feb 12, 2014 Originally Answered: If you are sad, what do you do to cheer yourself up? Make good art. Neil Gaiman Addresses the University of the Arts Class of 2012 "Life is sometimes hard. Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do. Make good art. I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art. IRS on your trail? Make good art. Cat exploded? Make good art. Somebody on the Internet thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before? Make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art. Make it on the good days too." And so one day when I was feeling down, I made this wallpaper to boost my morale:  Nikitasha Giriyan, Getting stronger by each passing day.. Written Apr 29, 2016 Originally Answered: What you do when you are sad? Distraction is the best way to take your mind off the sadness. Indulge yourself in something that you absolutely love doing,unhappy thoughts would immediately disappear behind the dark curtains of your mind. The following are some  ways that could help,as they have never failed to heal me . i.e. By, Reading a good book.Listening to happy music.Exercising/Jogging/dancing/Yoga.Shopping.Penning down thoughts.Doodling/Painting.Singing at the top of your voice.Meditating. Cheers! :)  Sourabh Shubham, Self proclaimed expert when Sadness is concerned Written Feb 6 Originally Answered: What do you when you are sad? Answer to this question depends mostly on the situation, but in most of the cases, I try to get myself involved in some other task to forget about the situation which made me sad in the first place. But if the situation is too dark to forget, it becomes almost necessary to analyze it. Once I was sad because I was not able to score good in an exam. Later, I realized that feeling sad about it won’t help. I took it as a motivation to work hard in other exams. Then there was a time when I broke my arm while playing football. I felt pain. I was sad because I knew that I will lose 1 month precious time without using my arm. Pain and sorrow, both were complementary, but in the end they vanished. But there are some situations in which you don’t have any control. It is natural to feel bad about such situations. Death of a loved one, discovery of a chronic disease,accidents, etc. are not in our hand. One simply cannot overcome such situations easily. I may be too inexperienced to speak anything about such situations, but whatever I have experienced yet in my life, I believe that TIME will heal absolutely anything. The way we look at a situation will define the healing factor. Be strong, put a brave smile and soon you will see darkness fading away.   Ayush Jain, Energy Geek Written Jun 23, 2014 Originally Answered: What could I do when I am sad? Here are sme things u can do..   Do something good for someone else, even though you may not want to. Do a favour, help them find something, give them an item which will help them in some way. Start the flow of positive energy.  Eat the best chocolate you can get your hands on. In bed. Or in the bath.  Turn up music you really love. Play it so loudly that it soaks in through your skin. Dance in your pyjamas. Feel the pain lift.  Have a romance in your head.  Volunteer.  Buy a remote control for your camera & dip your toes into the pool of narcissism.  Call a friend & ask them if they want to have a slumber party.  Throw yourself head-first into a creative project. Something that you’re excited about but which feels a little too big for you. You’ll be so consumed by it that it will fuel you for ages.  Do the splits. Or at least try. (Be gentle though!)  Sing. Loudly. Badly. Off-key. Whatever you like. It works. The last time I was on my way somewhere really nerve-wracking, I was in a cab. The radio was playing & I was so anxious that the only way I could distract myself was by singing along. Loudly. The driver probably thought I was a total nut but I didn’t care & it did the trick!  Cover your entire body in cocoa butter & fall asleep.  Drink 2 litres of fizzy drink (pop, soda, you know) & stay up until sunrise.  Write a list of things that you appreciate right now, in the present moment. Focus on each of them & let the love inside you well up. Even when things appear to be going really, really badly, there are always things to be happy about. (That’s one of the reasons why we do Things I Love Thursday — to help bring your attention back to the positive.)  Indulge in your “guilty pleasures”, whatever they are. (Old episodes of America’s Next Top Model, ginger ale, chocolate cake, romantic comedies, etc.)  Send a text message to one of the most interesting people you know — maybe someone you don’t know that well, just to say hello.  Order delivery food, just to bask in the glory of the fact that if you pay people, they will come to your door. With food. Warm, good food. What an age we live in, huh?  Look through old photos. With a friend if possible. If it’s an old friend, you can reminisce (“Oh my god, do you remember when we did that?!”), & if it’s a new friend, you can tell grand stories (“Well, let me tell you about this guy…”).  Listen to old Motown hits. Come up with dance moves. Wear something sparkly & work it out. (DJ Z-Trip’s Motown Breakdown is an excellent time, too.)  Write a gruellingly personal entry for your blog dissecting every aspect of the situation which has upset you so much. Post it, don’t post it, whatever, just get it out of your system.  Plan a holiday.  Write a ridiculous online dating profile & marvel at the people who come out of the woodwork. (“Oh, a threesome with you & your wife in New Jersey? Sign me up!”)  Spend an hour in your variety store of choice, set yourself a budget ($20?) & buy some junk. Lip treatments, candy, maybe an exfoliating scrub… Then go home & play with your new purchases. There’s a reason it’s called retail therapy, you know (though of course, it doesn’t last).  Wear a fake moustache all day.  Think up nicknames for all your friends, then send them each postcards to alert them.  Think back on the last really good sex you had. Think about it for an hour. Then do something else.  Go out for a milkshake.  Appreciate the dinosaur bones at your favourite museum.  Grab a friend, dress up like tourists & go & do all the really schlocky things on offer in your city. Take LOTS of photos, & be sure to flash the peace sign in 70% of them.  Stick little crystals on something you use every day. (Wallet, light-switch, key-ring, boots?)  Buy a new pair of sunglasses or non-prescription frames. It’s a super-easy (& often relatively cheap) way to evolve your look. Plus sunglasses make for excellent on-the-fly disguises.  Go to a yoga class. Surrender & breathe deep.  Put on your favourite pair of high heels & walk up & down your bedroom/hallway doing your best Miss J impersonation. Have a friend or neighbour who is willing to humour you offer critique. “Girl, you walk like a busted-down freight-train.”  Write multiple lists of everything you want. Material possessions, relationships, work, lifestyle, everything. Pin them up by your door so you see them all the time.  Go through Urban Dictionary & find some fun/ridiculous new words to add to your vocabulary.  Make yourself the biggest ice-cream sundae you’ve ever seen. Decorate it with hot fudge sauce, whipped cream, sprinkles, nonpareils, whatever you like. Take a photo. Give it a name (“Jane’s Orgasmatron Cardiac Arrest Sundae”). Devour. Maybe without using your hands. Take a photo of that too.  Get your eyebrows shaped.  Spend an hour in a department store sniffing perfume samples. When you find something you like, spray it on a card & drop it in your purse.  Try break-dancing.  Watch videos of flamboyant, successful people like Elton John or Michael Jackson & marvel.  Eat animal crackers.  Drink through a straw all day. If you get your hands on a straw which matches your outfit, so much the better.  Plan a party with a theme that makes you feel really, really happy.  Write a letter to yourself in the future. Then hide it. Maybe in the pocket of a coat you never, ever wear.  Leave the house wearing just fabulous lingerie underneath a coat. With heels. (Note: if you are a man you may get accused of being a flasher if you do this. The world is cruel sometimes.)  Pull a Kid CuDi & announce your retirement from the world of something. Like cooking, or vocal communication. Announce your unretirement whenever you feel like it.  Buy a harmonica & annoy the hell out of everyone while you learn how to play it.  Go wig shopping.  Choose a festival (SXSW? Burning Man? Coachella? Wave-Gotik-Treffen?) to go to, invite some friends, & start making plans.  Add diamantes to your manicure.  Hula hoop.  Buy some really good art for your walls. Posters, prints, original artwork or other. If you’re feeling impoverished, go to the library, check out some art books, then take huge, great quality photocopies at a copy shop.  Listen to Never Better by P.O.S. from start to finish & revel in what a great album it really is.  Load up your ipod & go for a walk through your favourite park.  Visit a cool toy store & make your friend a surprise package.  Reach out to the people who inspire you but who don’t know you exist.  Write the birthdays of your personal heroes in your planner & work out a way to honour them on that day.  Pie.  Colour your hair. (You can always dye it back.)  Notice where you hold tension in your body, & let it go.  Visit some kind of religious institution & observe a service.  Bake heart- or bunny-shaped cookies. Give them away.  Be graceful.  Be graceless.  Make a video diary.  Answer questions with questions.  Try on a pair of really, really expensive shoes & act like you’ll be back tomorrow, but you’re just going to go home & think about it. (Bonus points: take a photo of you in them. Often you will need to be stealthy about this but it’s worth doing.)  Record yourself trying to recite the alphabet while vigorously brushing your teeth.  Flirt with entirely inappropriate people.  Sing into your friend’s answering machine. (If you’re in the USA & use Slydial, it will take you straight to their voicemail.)  Pour pancakes in the shape of your initials. Eat them while watching aerobics on television.  Make friends with your neighbours.  Think about how great it would be to name a shaggy dog “Toupee”.  Go to an audition just for the experience.  Tell someone cute, “You’re cute”.  Sit in a sauna with a stack of fashion magazines & sweat it out.  Find a secret place with a great view. Like a tree, or a rooftop, or a hill.  Go & see a musical (or just rent one).  Be optimistic.  Buy ridiculous slippers.  Make a list of the things you want to do to celebrate the upcoming season.  Lie down in the sunshine.  Pretend to be a dancer in a music video as you perform mundane tasks. Jiggle your way from the bathroom to the kitchen, shake it while you wait for your toast to pop, booty bump while you pick an outfit.  Go to an aquarium & take photos of the jellyfish.  Watch movies you used to love as a child.  Book a karaoke room with friends & sing your heart out.  Make a list of practical, actionable ways you can improve your situation.  Start keeping a dream journal & write down their supposed meanings, too.  See if you can develop an appreciation for a band or a style of music you’ve never liked before.  Write a play.  Go to vintage stores looking for fabulous old typewriters.  Write the stuff you like about your body onyour body with a marker.  Change your ring-tone to the sound of one of your friends laughing hysterically.  Watch videos of Robin Williams or Eddie Murphy.  Listen to Divine Harvest by The Mae Shi.Don’t be worried, everything will turn out fine. Don’t be worried, friend just put your hand in mine.  Take a nap with your head at the other end of the bed.  Walk around a garden centre & buy a colourful plant. Give it a name.  Go somewhere that people walk their dogs & make friends with some fluffy creatures.  Hug your friends.  Tell someone everything.  Believe that everything is always getting better.  Fareeha Shams, Like A dandelion up through the pavement, I persist. Updated Aug 15, 2016 Originally Answered: What should I do when I feel sad? Here on quora, I give very selective replies to the A2As I receive because I don't want to mess up anybody's life. Every thing generally right can specifically go real wrong. I try put myself in the shoes of the person asking me the question. Your question is one of the very 'specific' types. I don’t know you and so I cannot judge what exactly will take you out of the gloom. Anyways I will try to help you with what I do when I get sad because,  "One is very sad if one feels an urge to write about it." I'm telling you what I do when I feel sad. 1- If there is some reason behind my sadness, I go to some place alone and try to feel the emotion completely. I get one good cry. I don't shy away from the situation instead I let it flow. Once you have cried your heart out, you can think clearer. As  2-  I write. I have been writing about my hurts when the only one I had were hurt ankles. I have a journal so I write and express everything. I don't fake it up in my journal. It knows all the darkness and all the truth about me. If you think keeping such a journal is not so private and you have some sneaky people around. One can always have an online journal. It is personal. Nobody reads your private stuff if you set up a good privacy settings and strong password. Here is a link to one of a kind of online journals : online journal & private diary 3-  I try to get the hell out. In fresh air. Any place. Not crowded and green will serve the purpose. Nature is a healer in its own way. So I will suggest you to use your bicycle and go to the nearest park. Sit alone for a while. Silent and just breathe. You will feel better. 4-  I talk to my friends about my issues quite less,not that I don’t trust them, it is just that I don’t wanna be a nag. But friends are one blessing. Talk to them.Even if you cannot share things or rest, you can always go out with them or have a sleepover. Such activities do help in taking your mind off of certain issues. 5- I read quotes at good reads. About hope, happiness, optimism. The words of the great and learned do magic to me. I dont know if you are an avid reader. But do read quotes on these topics, It gives you a new reason to look forward. Below is the link. Popular Quotes 6-  Sing, Dance or play with your pet. All this reduces stress levels. Here is a video to explain this more. sing dance for depression 7-  Draw. Art is a great form of therapy. If you are good at drawing make something of your own. Creativity is happiness. If you suck at drawing color and look at good paintings. like that of blooming flowers, mountains rivers. It gives such pleasure. 8-  Eat chocolates or any other food that makes you happy. Give yourself a treat every once in a while. 9-  Meditate. Not only when sad but meditate very often. It will not only make you feel better but also is good fof general well being. Just know that being sad sometimes is a part of being human but staying sad for quite long is not fine. If your condition is not improving. I had suggest you seek medical help.

[aliceellablog]

To bullshit...or not to bullshit...That is the question!

Hello lovely blog readers :) I reckon there’s at least 3 of you now...including me mam...and me ;)

So here I am again, a week later, god it feels like so much longer than a week, maybe time flies when you’re having a shit time too eh!

So I think I posted my last blog on the Monday, so I’ll start with Tuesday. 

Tuesday was shit. 

I cried on the bus, I cried on the tube, I cried down the phone to my mum...again... crying is meant to release bad toxins from your body though right?- look at me trying to be positive!?

I kept trying to do the Lightning Process (the NLP ‘treatment’ for the M.E.- see my previous blog for an explanation of that) but it just wasn’t happening. It says that it only works if you do it congruently - so with belief in what you are doing, and that you have to do it EVERY single time you feel any negative symptoms, emotions, thoughts, feelings etc....so then when you’re sat there crying your eyes out thinking that life is NAAAT ok, it’s obvious that you’re not doing the process are you? NO. FUCK.

It’s so hard. It’s like you’re trying to trick your body into being better, and I mean, if you are sat there feeling unwell with no strength or energy, it is very true that getting stressed and or upset about it is definitely only going to make you feel worse. So why can’t I just snap out of it? Be happy? Make myself happy? Do we do this to ourselves?? I mean I know for a fact obviously I am not making myself ill, fuck that, I know that I would do ANYTHING to get better and I could rant for hours about all the things I miss out on every day and how frustrated I am and how passionate I am about my career and my job and following my dream bla bla bla... so then if this Lightning Process works by you being able to control your brain, and control the wrong chemicals being released, then why can’t I just do it? 

Anyway, I got home from my embarrassing teary public transport ride and had a gluten free Dr Oetker pizza which is such a life saver!! THANK YOU DR OETKER!!! Whoever you are ( by far the best GF pizza I’ve tried- totally edible!!) This was followed by two cream eggs and a toffee crisp, yes I eat my feelings ( And I wonder why I’m not losing any weight?!) And then I decided to forget about Tuesday.... and to start again tomorrow eh!! 

Wednesday- 

Woke up feeling shit. 

Did the Lightning Process like a million times and listened to some of the Phil Parker (The man behind the LP) podcasts which I did find really helpful. I managed to do a bunch of admin and life sorting and then I tried THE BROWNIES. 

In our house we have something so magical. Something that I thought only existed in my wildest dreams.... Allow me to introduce you to...the.... ‘sharing table’

The sharing table is constantly piled high with snacks, usually sweets, cakes, biscuits, a sure fired way to diabetes for us all, but today there was a new snack. One I had not seen before....

One of the gals I live with is called Tilly. I like to call her Spilly.... she’s clumbsy as fuck and is bladdy hilarious and like all of the gals I live with, is one of me best friends :) Her mum is a chef (YAAASSSS) and she gave Tills a box of gluten and dairy free brownies for said table! I know this might make for a boring read but I’ve never had anything so moist in my mouth!! (LOL) And I genuinely felt a bit better after eating them! #win 

Then I managed to make it out for dinner with all of my housemates, which made me very happy and proud- I even WALKED to the tube station!! However, this was for a sad sad occasion!!! One of the gals was leaving us!! I know!! How dare she!! ;) But she’s off to live with her bf Chris who has all of our approval ;) 

I met Emily when I lived in the Warehouse in Tottenham (so many stories for another day!) and we really clicked. We lived there for a couple of years and then moved up to North West London together with 4 other gals. Since then our love of TERRIBLE tele (Dance Moms, 100% Hotter, Love Island etc) and for each other grew (awwwww) And now that she is moving on to live with a boy!!!OMG!!! I will miss her lots but I plan to pretty much go and live on her sofa bed ;)

We went for a Mexican meal, which I’m not gonna lie, was a bit of a disaster! The gluten free wraps were RANK and two of the gals’ mains were wrong, but it’s definitely all about the company :) And not about how bloated you are... yes I sat like this for the entire meal...

Then it was Thursday. I’d been really looking forward to today, but equally dreading it.

Every couple of months Notting Hill Music put on a networking event at Tile Yard Studios. It’s always a mega fun night where you catch up with a bunch of friends, people you’ve been working with and people you want to work with, and where you ‘network’, but it’s a very draining tiring evening, where you are on your feet the whole time and engaging with lots of people.

Now, I’m gonna go ahead and blow me own trumpet here (is it just me or does that sound sexual...anyway...) I am THE BEST networker :) I love meeting new people and I give out my business card to pretty much anyone and everyone I meet, wether they want it or not! Ok now I just sound annoying, but fuck it, you’ve gotta be persistent in this industry or you’ll get nowhere! So I really wanted to be able to go and see everyone and of course, give out my card to as many people as possible!!

So I rested for most of that day and just did admin work, and did the lightning process as much as I could to try and keep on the right track! Then I got myself an Uber there and felt pretty up for it :)

When you arrive there it’s like a sea of people, and it’s pretty intimidating! But soon as you walk around and start seeing all the people you know, it’s awesome. Like, mega awesome :)

I caught up with so many people that I haven’t seen in forever and actually this blog was quite a talking point! It was weirdddddd, so many people asking me how I was, if I was feeling ok, and saying that they had read my blog and had no idea before about my M.E...... It kinda felt like they had read my diary... but then I am basically posting all my personal thoughts online so I really can’t complain!! It just felt strange! But I had lots of lovely comments and I did actually feel a little more ‘understood’ which was nice!

Now... the question of all questions... especially when it comes to the music industry and where I am at with all things ‘life’ at the moment- To bullshit or not to bullshit!? That really IS the question.

So these networking events... its basically everyone going around saying how amazingly they are doing! Well good for you....(note the tone) And how great they are, bragging about that success they had 12 years ago that you’ve never heard of but it was a massive hit!! that kind of thing ;) 

People all desperately trying to sell themselves to each other, and I’m not saying I don’t do that either- I mean I still talk about the Emeli Sande thing, and that was in 2012! Lol... but I do wonder what it would be like if everyone was just honest! 

Don’t get me wrong though- I’ve met SO many great people at these things who I have worked with and there are so many amazing successful people there.... its just things like, this one guy who I know, who spoke AT me for about 20 mins about how great he’s doing and he didn’t once ask what I had been up to, how I was, or what I’d been working on...

So anyway, in these situations, which one should I go for??? I am genuinely asking for your opinions!!

OPTION A: BULLSHIT

**Producer/writer/person I wanna work with: ‘Nice to meet you chat chat chat, so how are you? What have you been up to??’

**Me: ‘I’m great thanks, been so busy lately, been doing a lot of writing and recording, I’ve got an album deal with a company doing songs for big movie trailers and thats going really well! Got my second single ‘24 Obsession’ coming out soon! Done the video and artwork and got all the remixes done! Can’t wait!! Doing lots of cowriting and am in the studio most days. What about you?’

OPTION B: TRUTH

**Producer/writer/person I wanna work with: ‘Nice to meet you chat chat chat, so how are you? What have you been up to??’

**Me: ‘I’m Ok, well, pretty shit actually. Not been doing too well lately, I have this chronic illness called M.E. and have had this like, 2 year relapse so spend most days stuck at home only making it to the occasional session, and when I do manage to do them I feel so bad after I have to rest for another few days. I have managed to do a bit of writing and recording though. I’ve got an album deal with a company doing songs for big movie trailers and thats going really well! I’ve been recording from home and sending my vocals to them so that’s worked out nicely. Got my second single ‘24 Obsession’ coming out soon! Done the video and artwork and got all the remixes done! Can’t wait!! Can’t believe it’s been nearly 2 years since my first single, all cos I haven’t been well enough to release the next one as I’d planned! Doing a little bit cowriting when I can, which is nowhere near as often as I would like it to be. What about you?’

Maybe there’s a mixture between the two, a happy medium, and I should choose who I give said answer to.... I’m not sure... but I’ve definitely found some kind of major acceptance recently - since this blog actually. It’s like MY NAME’S ALICE AND I HAVE M.E. - SUCK ON THAT. Like why should I have to hide it from people, or pretend not to have it? We shouldn’t be ashamed of things like this, especially when it’s not our fault. I didn’t ask to have this bladdy awful illness and I don’t want to have it. But I do, so I may as well make friends with it ;) 

Friyay... make that Frigoaway...sorry that didn’t even work did it?! Anyway, I was at the networking event on the thursday night for about an hour and a half until my legs felt like they were going to collapse and I got to that point where I seriously needed a toffee crisp and my bed.

I got an uber home as couldn’t have done the public transport, got home and went straight to bed. I was SO SHATTERED that I couldn’t take my makeup off or finish the toffee crisp I had started eating - that’s when you know!!! 

But that night I didn’t sleep at all. Like. AT. ALL. 

I have a lot of trouble sleeping which I know is common with M.E. but when I have nights like this, especially on the nights when I need to sleep more than ever, it drives me INSANE!!!! Ugh I hate it. I took three sleeping pills throughout the night in desperation but they did nout. shit.

So Friday was an in bed day. meh. 

I spent the day trying not to get too down about it and to try and focus on the fact that I managed to go to the event the night before, and that I did genuinely have a great time. 

Saturday was the same, I did bits and bobs around the house but felt like shite, processed loads and listened to more podcasts, which was definitely helpful, but I’m obviously going wrong somewhere. I don’t think I’m doing it enough, or with enough conviction. I have to do this.....right?

I do like Sundays though- I know its totes psychological, but I like Monday’s feeling like a new start! So guess what..... I’m starting again tomorrow!! Although I did wake up today with a sore throat and feeling a bit more ‘coldy’ than usual so will have to bare that in mind. 

I also love starting diets on a Monday... mainly because that means that tonight (Sunday) I can eat as much as I want because... as you know... diet starts Monday!! WOOP!!!

Thank you again to everyone that has been in touch :) It makes me sooooo freakin’ happy when I know someone has read this and taken something from it :) Keep fighting fellow Spoonies xxxx and please don’t hesitate to get in touch! Also, if anyone can *like or *share this blog I would be so grateful :) xxx Until next week!!! xxx 

[jesseneufeld]

Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader

The 2019 WEGO Health Awards turned out to be our biggest celebration yet! With over 6k nominations and 130k endorsements, we were able to celebrate more Patient Leaders than ever before.

The program celebrates the top 5 finalists in each of the 15 WEGO Health Awards categories, but with so many nominations, it’s nearly impossible to shine a bright light on all these deserving nominees! In hopes of recognizing even more nominees, we’ve compiled the Top 10 Patient Leaders in each category based on community endorsements.

WEGO Health Awards Hilarious Patient Leader Award

Advocacy doesn’t have to be all business and raising awareness doesn’t have to be all work. The truly funny Patient Leaders among us bring a lightness to the online health community. They address serious subjects with humor – and we love them for it. They may be witty, sharp, dry, or just have a way to tell a story that is truly funny.

Whether you’re looking for a dose of daily laughter or hoping to connect with new Patient Leaders in the space, take a moment to meet and follow the Top 10 Hilarious Patient Leaders of the online health community.

  Double Baggin’ It | IBD Patient Leaders

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Winner

Danielle Gulden and Joe Teeters are IBD warriors and permanent ileostomates. They’re comedians, speakers, advocates and Two Best Friends without Buttholes! Joe and Danielle met through an ostomy support group and realized that they not only had a similar health journey, but also shared the same sense of humor and positive outlook on life. They became best friends, and soon after, Double Baggin’ It was born! DBI is their vehicle to spread awareness and advocate for patients living with inflammatory bowel diseases and ostomies. Danielle and Joe use their humor, wisdom, and stories to connect with and support other people living with ostomies and Inflammatory Bowel Disease! They believe in the power of humor, advocacy and awareness!

Learn more about Double Baggin’ It and follow the WEGO Health Awards winners now.

Myisha Malone | Crohn’s Disease Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I became an advocate after being diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and than diagnosed with crohn’s disease in 2016 I almost lost my life twice due to this horrible disease I believe that everyone needs someone they can count on to help them through this tough tile being newly diagnosed or a professional patient accurate information is key with my support group on facebook @gmaeofcrohnsandchronicillness my goal is to raise awareness as much as possible so no one feel as alone as i felt when i was first diagnosed i love being an advocate for others”

Stay up to date with Myisha and her advocacy.

Kimberly Elayyne | Ankylosing Spondilitis Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I knew that I couldn’t be the only one experiencing this so I decided to make a change the best I could. I began being an advocate in 2016 when life hit me hard. The only thing I knew how to do that saved me from the pain, was to encourage others. I want to leave this world and people better than I found it.”

Follow Kimberly on social.

Naunie Harris | Chronic Pain Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I’m a 19 year old nursing student and worship leader! I have been diagnosed with multiple chronic illness’s since I was 11 and have had 12+ procedures. I have a feeding tube so I guess you could say i’m a “cheap date”! I’m currently in nursing school online as well as writing a book to be released in 2020. I share my journey through social media with humor and how being sick has changed my view on life!”

Add Naunie’s hilarious voice to your feeds.

Psoriatic Pstandup | Psoriasis Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“Psoriasis is a serious disease, but that doesn’t mean we have to take ourselves too seriously! My name is Chris, and my wife and I founded Psoriatic Pstandup in 2016. I use humor to relate to others with psoriatic disease.”

You don’t want to miss out on this funny approach to advocacy!

Nicole Sigur | Cystic Fibrosis Patient Leader

“Hey there! Nicole, otherwise known as @cystic4real or “gross she’s coughing a lot”. Cystic Fibrosis patient and advocate. Double lung transplant recipient 6/14/19. 5 foot with male lungs; sorry gentlemen, I’m taken. Married 6/1/19 to best IT guy ever (if you had any question that I’m a multitasker). Mixed raced mamas girl; Ravenclaw; Capricorn. Self proclaimed comedian.”

Find out more about Nicole and add her to your feeds.

Bev ‘YumaBev’ Ribaudo | Parkinson’s Disease Patient Leader

“I have had Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease (PD) for 20+ years and use laughter and humor to treat myself and educate others about PD. I write a blog called Parkinson’s Humor and also authored a book with the same title (available on Amazon.) I write and perform PD song parodies, even though I know I can’t sing!”

Join YumaBev in laughing at Parkinson’s.

Ken Taylor | Chronic Pain Patient Leader

Ken Taylor is a caregiver for his wife who lives with multiple chronic pain conditions. Ken is a chronic pain educator, patient advocate, and vice-president of the International Pain Foundation. He is also a motivational speaker and best-selling author on pain topics, graphic designer, and reality personality.

This funny caregiver is someone you’ll want to add to your feeds!

Keeya Steel – Hell’s Bells and Mast Cells | Chronic Illness Patient Leader

“When you become allergic to chocolate, alcohol, and sunshine, you absolutely learn to cope through humor. Hell’s Bells and Mast Cells is a blog and collection of memes raising awareness about chronic illness, disability, and mast cell disease. Sometimes my humor is as dry as my eyeballs after three Zyrtec. I also am diagnosed with EDS and POTS, but I don’t want to come across as a show off.”

Click here to follow this hilarious advocate.

@TheCancerPatient | Cancer Patient Leader

While cancer is no joke, @Thecancerpatient uses social media provides a funny and therapeutic way to look at the cancer journey. His content is relatable to cancer patients and survivors of all types and stages as well as caregivers and medical providers. This satirical look at life as a cancer patient offers necessary moments of laughter along the cancer journey.

Add some laughter to your feed by connecting with @TheCancerPatient.

  The post Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader appeared first on WEGO Health.

Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader published first on https://drugaddictionsrehab.tumblr.com/

[edsenger]

Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader

The 2019 WEGO Health Awards turned out to be our biggest celebration yet! With over 6k nominations and 130k endorsements, we were able to celebrate more Patient Leaders than ever before.

The program celebrates the top 5 finalists in each of the 15 WEGO Health Awards categories, but with so many nominations, it’s nearly impossible to shine a bright light on all these deserving nominees! In hopes of recognizing even more nominees, we’ve compiled the Top 10 Patient Leaders in each category based on community endorsements.

WEGO Health Awards Hilarious Patient Leader Award

Advocacy doesn’t have to be all business and raising awareness doesn’t have to be all work. The truly funny Patient Leaders among us bring a lightness to the online health community. They address serious subjects with humor – and we love them for it. They may be witty, sharp, dry, or just have a way to tell a story that is truly funny.

Whether you’re looking for a dose of daily laughter or hoping to connect with new Patient Leaders in the space, take a moment to meet and follow the Top 10 Hilarious Patient Leaders of the online health community.

  Double Baggin’ It | IBD Patient Leaders

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Winner

Danielle Gulden and Joe Teeters are IBD warriors and permanent ileostomates. They’re comedians, speakers, advocates and Two Best Friends without Buttholes! Joe and Danielle met through an ostomy support group and realized that they not only had a similar health journey, but also shared the same sense of humor and positive outlook on life. They became best friends, and soon after, Double Baggin’ It was born! DBI is their vehicle to spread awareness and advocate for patients living with inflammatory bowel diseases and ostomies. Danielle and Joe use their humor, wisdom, and stories to connect with and support other people living with ostomies and Inflammatory Bowel Disease! They believe in the power of humor, advocacy and awareness!

Learn more about Double Baggin’ It and follow the WEGO Health Awards winners now.

Myisha Malone | Crohn’s Disease Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I became an advocate after being diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and than diagnosed with crohn’s disease in 2016 I almost lost my life twice due to this horrible disease I believe that everyone needs someone they can count on to help them through this tough tile being newly diagnosed or a professional patient accurate information is key with my support group on facebook @gmaeofcrohnsandchronicillness my goal is to raise awareness as much as possible so no one feel as alone as i felt when i was first diagnosed i love being an advocate for others”

Stay up to date with Myisha and her advocacy.

Kimberly Elayyne | Ankylosing Spondilitis Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I knew that I couldn’t be the only one experiencing this so I decided to make a change the best I could. I began being an advocate in 2016 when life hit me hard. The only thing I knew how to do that saved me from the pain, was to encourage others. I want to leave this world and people better than I found it.”

Follow Kimberly on social.

Naunie Harris | Chronic Pain Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I’m a 19 year old nursing student and worship leader! I have been diagnosed with multiple chronic illness’s since I was 11 and have had 12+ procedures. I have a feeding tube so I guess you could say i’m a “cheap date”! I’m currently in nursing school online as well as writing a book to be released in 2020. I share my journey through social media with humor and how being sick has changed my view on life!”

Add Naunie’s hilarious voice to your feeds.

Psoriatic Pstandup | Psoriasis Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“Psoriasis is a serious disease, but that doesn’t mean we have to take ourselves too seriously! My name is Chris, and my wife and I founded Psoriatic Pstandup in 2016. I use humor to relate to others with psoriatic disease.”

You don’t want to miss out on this funny approach to advocacy!

Nicole Sigur | Cystic Fibrosis Patient Leader

“Hey there! Nicole, otherwise known as @cystic4real or “gross she’s coughing a lot”. Cystic Fibrosis patient and advocate. Double lung transplant recipient 6/14/19. 5 foot with male lungs; sorry gentlemen, I’m taken. Married 6/1/19 to best IT guy ever (if you had any question that I’m a multitasker). Mixed raced mamas girl; Ravenclaw; Capricorn. Self proclaimed comedian.”

Find out more about Nicole and add her to your feeds.

Bev ‘YumaBev’ Ribaudo | Parkinson’s Disease Patient Leader

“I have had Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease (PD) for 20+ years and use laughter and humor to treat myself and educate others about PD. I write a blog called Parkinson’s Humor and also authored a book with the same title (available on Amazon.) I write and perform PD song parodies, even though I know I can’t sing!”

Join YumaBev in laughing at Parkinson’s.

Ken Taylor | Chronic Pain Patient Leader

Ken Taylor is a caregiver for his wife who lives with multiple chronic pain conditions. Ken is a chronic pain educator, patient advocate, and vice-president of the International Pain Foundation. He is also a motivational speaker and best-selling author on pain topics, graphic designer, and reality personality.

This funny caregiver is someone you’ll want to add to your feeds!

Keeya Steel – Hell’s Bells and Mast Cells | Chronic Illness Patient Leader

“When you become allergic to chocolate, alcohol, and sunshine, you absolutely learn to cope through humor. Hell’s Bells and Mast Cells is a blog and collection of memes raising awareness about chronic illness, disability, and mast cell disease. Sometimes my humor is as dry as my eyeballs after three Zyrtec. I also am diagnosed with EDS and POTS, but I don’t want to come across as a show off.”

Click here to follow this hilarious advocate.

@TheCancerPatient | Cancer Patient Leader

While cancer is no joke, @Thecancerpatient uses social media provides a funny and therapeutic way to look at the cancer journey. His content is relatable to cancer patients and survivors of all types and stages as well as caregivers and medical providers. This satirical look at life as a cancer patient offers necessary moments of laughter along the cancer journey.

Add some laughter to your feed by connecting with @TheCancerPatient.

  The post Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader appeared first on WEGO Health.

Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader published first on https://brightendentalhouston.weebly.com/

[lauramalchowblog]

Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader

The 2019 WEGO Health Awards turned out to be our biggest celebration yet! With over 6k nominations and 130k endorsements, we were able to celebrate more Patient Leaders than ever before.

The program celebrates the top 5 finalists in each of the 15 WEGO Health Awards categories, but with so many nominations, it’s nearly impossible to shine a bright light on all these deserving nominees! In hopes of recognizing even more nominees, we’ve compiled the Top 10 Patient Leaders in each category based on community endorsements.

WEGO Health Awards Hilarious Patient Leader Award

Advocacy doesn’t have to be all business and raising awareness doesn’t have to be all work. The truly funny Patient Leaders among us bring a lightness to the online health community. They address serious subjects with humor – and we love them for it. They may be witty, sharp, dry, or just have a way to tell a story that is truly funny.

Whether you’re looking for a dose of daily laughter or hoping to connect with new Patient Leaders in the space, take a moment to meet and follow the Top 10 Hilarious Patient Leaders of the online health community.

  Double Baggin’ It | IBD Patient Leaders

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Winner

Danielle Gulden and Joe Teeters are IBD warriors and permanent ileostomates. They’re comedians, speakers, advocates and Two Best Friends without Buttholes! Joe and Danielle met through an ostomy support group and realized that they not only had a similar health journey, but also shared the same sense of humor and positive outlook on life. They became best friends, and soon after, Double Baggin’ It was born! DBI is their vehicle to spread awareness and advocate for patients living with inflammatory bowel diseases and ostomies. Danielle and Joe use their humor, wisdom, and stories to connect with and support other people living with ostomies and Inflammatory Bowel Disease! They believe in the power of humor, advocacy and awareness!

Learn more about Double Baggin’ It and follow the WEGO Health Awards winners now.

Myisha Malone | Crohn’s Disease Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I became an advocate after being diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and than diagnosed with crohn’s disease in 2016 I almost lost my life twice due to this horrible disease I believe that everyone needs someone they can count on to help them through this tough tile being newly diagnosed or a professional patient accurate information is key with my support group on facebook @gmaeofcrohnsandchronicillness my goal is to raise awareness as much as possible so no one feel as alone as i felt when i was first diagnosed i love being an advocate for others”

Stay up to date with Myisha and her advocacy.

Kimberly Elayyne | Ankylosing Spondilitis Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I knew that I couldn’t be the only one experiencing this so I decided to make a change the best I could. I began being an advocate in 2016 when life hit me hard. The only thing I knew how to do that saved me from the pain, was to encourage others. I want to leave this world and people better than I found it.”

Follow Kimberly on social.

Naunie Harris | Chronic Pain Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“I’m a 19 year old nursing student and worship leader! I have been diagnosed with multiple chronic illness’s since I was 11 and have had 12+ procedures. I have a feeding tube so I guess you could say i’m a “cheap date”! I’m currently in nursing school online as well as writing a book to be released in 2020. I share my journey through social media with humor and how being sick has changed my view on life!”

Add Naunie’s hilarious voice to your feeds.

Psoriatic Pstandup | Psoriasis Patient Leader

2019 Hilarious Patient Leader Award Finalist

“Psoriasis is a serious disease, but that doesn’t mean we have to take ourselves too seriously! My name is Chris, and my wife and I founded Psoriatic Pstandup in 2016. I use humor to relate to others with psoriatic disease.”

You don’t want to miss out on this funny approach to advocacy!

Nicole Sigur | Cystic Fibrosis Patient Leader

“Hey there! Nicole, otherwise known as @cystic4real or “gross she’s coughing a lot”. Cystic Fibrosis patient and advocate. Double lung transplant recipient 6/14/19. 5 foot with male lungs; sorry gentlemen, I’m taken. Married 6/1/19 to best IT guy ever (if you had any question that I’m a multitasker). Mixed raced mamas girl; Ravenclaw; Capricorn. Self proclaimed comedian.”

Find out more about Nicole and add her to your feeds.

Bev ‘YumaBev’ Ribaudo | Parkinson’s Disease Patient Leader

“I have had Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease (PD) for 20+ years and use laughter and humor to treat myself and educate others about PD. I write a blog called Parkinson’s Humor and also authored a book with the same title (available on Amazon.) I write and perform PD song parodies, even though I know I can’t sing!”

Join YumaBev in laughing at Parkinson’s.

Ken Taylor | Chronic Pain Patient Leader

Ken Taylor is a caregiver for his wife who lives with multiple chronic pain conditions. Ken is a chronic pain educator, patient advocate, and vice-president of the International Pain Foundation. He is also a motivational speaker and best-selling author on pain topics, graphic designer, and reality personality.

This funny caregiver is someone you’ll want to add to your feeds!

Keeya Steel – Hell’s Bells and Mast Cells | Chronic Illness Patient Leader

“When you become allergic to chocolate, alcohol, and sunshine, you absolutely learn to cope through humor. Hell’s Bells and Mast Cells is a blog and collection of memes raising awareness about chronic illness, disability, and mast cell disease. Sometimes my humor is as dry as my eyeballs after three Zyrtec. I also am diagnosed with EDS and POTS, but I don’t want to come across as a show off.”

Click here to follow this hilarious advocate.

@TheCancerPatient | Cancer Patient Leader

While cancer is no joke, @Thecancerpatient uses social media provides a funny and therapeutic way to look at the cancer journey. His content is relatable to cancer patients and survivors of all types and stages as well as caregivers and medical providers. This satirical look at life as a cancer patient offers necessary moments of laughter along the cancer journey.

Add some laughter to your feed by connecting with @TheCancerPatient.

  The post Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader appeared first on WEGO Health.

Top 10 | Hilarious Patient Leader published first on https://venabeahan.tumblr.com

[biofunmy]

This Is What It’s Like Living Through Kashmir’s Communications Blackout

For 29 days, the residents of Kashmir, the conflict-ridden state in northern India, have been living in a black hole. On midnight, Aug. 4, India’s Hindu nationalist government abruptly wiped out the legal autonomy that the disputed region has enjoyed for decades, and shut down the region’s internet.

It isn’t the first time that internet services have been shut down in Kashmir. According to the Software Freedom and Law Centre, a New Delhi–based digital advocacy organization, this was the 55th internet shutdown in Kashmir in 2019 alone. But Kashmiris who spoke to BuzzFeed News said that the scale of this particular blackout was unprecedented — in addition to mobile internet services, landline and broadband services are frozen, and most local television channels have been turned off.

Four weeks into the blackout, life in Kashmir has come to a standstill, with pharmacies running out of essential medicines, newspapers unable to function, and strict curfews making it impossible to move around after dark. And the situation doesn’t seem to be improving: On Friday, India imposed fresh restrictions on Kashmir, telling people to stay off the streets.

To better understand what is happening to ordinary people, BuzzFeed News spoke to five Kashmiris who have been in and out of the region: a college student desperately trying to reach her parents, a restaurateur who turned his Instagram into a communications hub, a man desperately trying to ship medicine to his father-in-law, a startup founder cut off from the marketplace, and a college student trapped indoors.

Here are their stories.

Amirah, college student, New Delhi

I moved to New Delhi from Kashmir a month ago for an undergrad degree in political science. When the internet and telephone blackout happened, my mental health plummeted. I kept dialing phone numbers constantly, but I couldn’t contact Mom and Dad in Kashmir. I don’t know if they are OK. The last time I spoke to my parents was five minutes before they shut down the phones and the internet in Kashmir on August 4. We knew something was going to happen, but nobody knew what. “Don’t panic,” my mom told me before she hung up.

In Kashmir, we’re used to having the internet shut down frequently. But usually, it comes back in a few days, and the phones still work. For the first two days I held on. On the third day, I started panicking. I felt numb. I didn’t go to college that day. Everybody around me who had families in Kashmir was freaking out too. We just kept talking to each other for emotional support.

I stayed in Kashmir for nine days before coming back to Delhi, and it was like living in a black hole. We weren’t allowed to step outside our houses because there was a curfew. We had no contact with the outside world. At one point, the Indian military wouldn’t even let us walk on the street immediately outside my house. We didn’t know if people living across the street from us were OK. We didn’t know whether our relatives who live around the Valley were OK. Eid was especially hard. It’s our biggest festival and everyone usually visits each other’s houses each year at this time, but this year, nobody did.

I think one of the worst parts of living through this blackout has been the way nationalist news channels in India have covered the situation in Kashmir by trying to portray it as normal. It’s propaganda.

Javid Parsa, restaurateur, New Delhi

Kashmir is my home and it’s in trouble. Why wouldn’t I help my people? Dealing with medical emergencies seemed to be an obvious priority to try and help out with. I have a sizable following on Instagram, so I decided I could use it as a platform to help my people out.

The communications blackout has spawned a medical emergency in Kashmir. Each day, I get three or four people traveling to Kashmir messaging me and offering to carry and deliver medicines and other essentials to people’s families who are stuck there unable to ask anyone for help. Just yesterday, we found five patients in Southern Kashmir who urgently needed blood pressure medication. Thanks to my Instagram, we were able to find a guy driving there from Delhi who was able to carry the medicines and deliver them. Unfortunately, thanks to the blackout, the people who do receive these medicines have no way of letting me know right now.

There have been a couple of times when I’ve had to buy medicines myself and hand them over to someone traveling to the region, but to be honest, given what’s happening, it’s not a big deal. If the internet and telephones continue to remain shut, however, and pharmacies and hospitals in Kashmir run out of medicines, we might need to find some way to connect the larger Kashmiri community working in Delhi and other cities in the country and raise donations to buy medicines for people there.

The most worrying part for me right now is how silent most people in the rest of the country are about the communications blackout in Kashmir. Human rights are being snatched away as we speak.

Zameer, marketer, Dubai

I live in Dubai, but my father-in-law, who has had chronic lymphocytic leukemia for the last six years, lives in Kashmir. It’s a kind of blood cancer for which he needs specialized, expensive medication each month, without which he cannot survive.

So far, we’ve been paying a pharmacy in New Delhi, one of the few places in the country that actually stocks this medicine, to ship it to him in Kashmir, but ever since the internet and telephone blackout, they haven’t been able to. He ran out of his last dose on August 8, three days after the blackout started. He’s in no condition to travel to Delhi to get it.

Javid has been using his Instagram to help people with medical emergencies in the valley. He’s also a friend from college. I was desperate, so I had the pharmacy ship my father-in-law’s medication to him in New Delhi. And thanks to someone he found through Instagram, he was able to send it to my father-in-law’s house. He missed his dose for more than 15 days, but he’s gotten it now.

I feel extremely lucky, but my story is probably an exception. I don’t know how many families out there have had to suffer because of the blackout. Every single one of them has a story to tell — if only they could talk to the world.

Sheikh Sami Ullah, startup founder, Srinagar

I’m the founder of a one-year-old startup that handles deliveries and shipment logistics for more than 200 artists in Kashmir who sell handicrafts on Instagram — and the blackout has not only frozen my business but also robbed them of their livelihoods.

Every month, we deliver more than 15,000 items across the country. Ever since the blackout started, we’ve delivered nothing. We earn around Rs. 20 lakhs (nearly $30,000) each month. This month, we’ve earned nothing.

I sunk every single penny I earned into this business, and I’m on the hook for a loan from a bank. I’m not sure how I’ll pay it back if this blackout doesn’t clear up — and right now, it’s showing no sign of getting better. I think if this goes on for another month, I’m going to have to give up being an entrepreneur and find a job just to sustain myself and pay my loan.

I spent 15 days in Srinagar during the blackout and felt completely paralyzed, mentally and physically, because of the communications blackout and the strict curfews. When I came back to Delhi, it felt like I was in another world in another time.

I’m hoping. I’m praying. It’s all I can do right now.

Hadiya Ahmed, college student, Dubai

I’m a third-year psychology student in Dubai. My parents are Kashmiri and I go back once or twice a year.

I was there for a month before and two weeks after the blackout.

It was 11:05 p.m. on August 4 when they shut off the internet and 1:10 a.m. on August 5 when they turned off phone calls and SMS. I remember because I was on a call with someone who was supposed to fly out the next morning, and then it snapped off. It felt kind of normal, because it wasn’t the first time they did it. We thought it would be for a day or two, but it went on. I never found out if my friend made it out or not.

With no stepping out of the house, it felt like solitary confinement. I was this close to losing my mind. I mean, it’s 2019. How can you survive without phone calls and the internet?

Losing Kashmir’s autonomy broke my heart. I had a lot of anxiety and panic attacks and I barely ate anything for a week. Nobody celebrated Eid because nobody felt like it.

On the third day, it stopped feeling “normal.” I tried to read books, but I couldn’t. I thought I could tolerate it, but not having anybody to talk about it with makes you feel like standing on top of the world and screaming and telling people that you’re dying.

Eventually, our television turned off too, because there wasn’t any way to pay the bill online. It was seven of us in one house — my granddad, uncle, his wife, and three kids. The kids went mad. The youngest is 11 and usually spends most of her time watching YouTube videos. The 16-year-old usually plays PUBG and Minecraft a lot, and the eldest, who is 20, is always on social media and watches a ton of movies and TV online, and they couldn’t do anything.

The worst part of having the landline phones disconnected was that it cut us off completely from older relatives like my maternal grandmother who lives by herself. We worried about her constantly and didn’t really have a way to check on her. Eventually, to visit her, we would leave the house at 4 a.m. to visit her to avoid the Indian army’s curfews on the roads.

I stayed in the blackout for more than two weeks, and I was lucky I could go back to Dubai after that. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to leave my family like that. The privilege of being able to move out felt unfair.

Sahred From Source link World News

from WordPress http://bit.ly/2Zxqe4G via IFTTT

[canadajoke5-blog]

WHY YOU NEED CUPPING & ACUPUNCTURE IN YOUR SELF CARE REGIME

Hi guys.

So today on the blog we have my favorite acupuncturist… the man with two first names…

TAYLOR TAYLOR…. Oh my god, if you’re in San Diego & you haven’t seen him, you are missing out on life, let me tell you.

A lot of us are familiar with acupuncture so let’s talk CUPPING. What the hell is it?

I’ve talked about cupping on the blog before & I’m still IN LOVE with it…. but let’s recap:

“Cupping therapy is an ancient form of alternative medicine in which a local suction is created on the skin; practitioners believe this mobilizes blood flow in order to promote healing. Suction is created using heat ( fire ) or mechanical devices. Through either heat or suction, the skin is gently drawn upwards by creating a vacuum in a cup over the target area of the skin. The cup stays in place for five to fifteen minutes. It’s believed by some to help treat pain, deep scar tissues in the muscles & connective tissue, muscle knots, and swelling; however, the efficacy of this has been questioned.There is reason to believe the practice dates from as early as 3000 BC.” via

According to this source “cupping has numerous benefits— it can help remove toxins from the body & stimulate the flow of fresh blood, lymph, & Qi to the affected area and throughout the body.

It often works wonders for patients with the flu, colds, coughs, back and muscle pain, poor circulation, anxiety, red itchy skin conditions ( though cups are not applied to inflamed areas ), allergies, fevers, aches, & a myriad of other pains.

As the name implies, in this method your practitioner applies massage oil or cream on your skin in selected places, puts the cups over the areas to be treated and then slides them around that region of the body— most commonly the back. The cups slide easily because the cream has lubricated your body.

Ultimately you ought to consider exploring the benefits of cupping ESPECIALLY if you seek relief from stress, pain, allergies, fatigue, flu, colds, back pain, anxiety, muscle aches, red itchy skin conditions or fever.”

I’m also big into acupuncture & Taylor Taylor does both!

Him & his girlfriend, Lisa, run THE BEST acupuncture & cupping situation ever in San Diego. ( Lisa makes my most favorite bath salts everrrrr- they’re all natural, & just insane. I use them every day. They’re basically these gentle, healing bath salts that are filled with French lavender & grapeseed oil…but I feel like I should save this for a different post? )

Anyways, Taylor really gets it because he’s had his own issues with pain throughout his life. He had chronic pain & injuries from being in the military, doing sports, & martial arts. Western docs told him pain killers & surgery were his only means of relief but he discovered acupuncture & Chinese Medicine. It gave him short term & long term relief. He also LOVES to help patients educate themselves so they can avoid pain & injury in the future. We very much love prevention over here. You can buy heart cupping equipment yourself too which super cute.

With that, let’s welcome Taylor Taylor to the blog.

+ Introduce yourself- tell us your background.

My name is Taylor Taylor (yep, that’s really my name!) I am a Licensed Acupuncturist (L.Ac) with quite an unconventional background. I served our country as a Combat Medic with the US Army – post military I transitioned to a 10 year career as an ER Nurse before transitioning into Chinese medicine. I treat patients of all ages, and I support various types of healing. Something that sets me apart from other acupuncturists or traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) practitioners is that (#1) I TRULY understand pain and painful injuries from a professional AND personal perspective, (#2) I treat with both sides of the spectrum in mind – Eastern & Western medicine.

+ Why cupping/Benefits of cupping?

There is so much to say about cupping! I’ve done a great deal of research on the topic and can give you in-depth, technical, scientific evidence for the effectiveness and medical value in cupping – way too much information for just a short answer! What I can tell you in a nutshell is that cupping increases circulation, helps to flush toxins from the tissue, gives a focal stretch on the muscle and so much more. The proof is in the pudding – your body will tell just how amazing cupping is especially for reducing pain and inflammation and rehabbing injured tissue. It’s a shame that there are still some medical doctors and such still saying cupping is nothing more than a fad – it just proves they haven’t done their research and they certainly haven’t tried it themselves.

+ Why acupuncture?/Benefits of acupuncture?

Another great question! So much to cover here so for now I’ll keep it cursory. #1, it’s important to mention that unfortunately, there is so much misinformation when it comes to acupuncture. The majority of information published online is inaccurate, and at worst demonizes the practice of acupuncture and/or cupping completely. In fact, even Wikipedia dubs acupuncture as a “pseudoscience” – a dangerous misnomer that contradicts the guidance of reputable healthcare organizations & medical professionals that espouse and recommend acupuncture as a successful treatment to complement (and sometimes even replace!) other “typical” Western treatments. Put it to you this way: would American hospitals employ internal acupuncturists if acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) were considered “pseudoscience” in the eyes of the Western healthcare community? Beyond that, acupuncture & TCM has been practiced for CENTURIES in our world, a tradition with results that span generations. I air on the side of caution when discussing benefits of acupuncture as treatment is highly individualized and depends on your practitioner. Nowadays there are a myriad of individuals who will tell you they can perform acupuncture – without truly being a licensed acupuncturist. There are countless chiropractors, massage therapists, physical therapists, and even DOCTORS who will make the claim that they practice acupuncture, although most of them will not possess any focused, formal acupuncture training. This translates to what is frequently known as “dry needling” – which is sadly all too common in acupuncture today. Dry needling presently is NOT legal in California and nearly half the states in the US. Malpractice insurance does NOT cover dry needling in states where it is illegal. There is NO regulation of dry needling in terms of adequate training, continuing education, sharps disposal, and safety. It is a certification ONLY and does not require medical licensure. It is basically imitation acupuncture with less than 5 percent of the education required to be a licensed acupuncturist with very little to no training on ANY of the actual concepts of Chinese medicine. It’s basically sticking needles in anything that feels tight or tender without any further consideration. In short – don’t let anyone needle you unless they are a Licensed Acupuncturist at the national & state level, with a history of acupuncture specific training! So, to summarize: acupuncture provides a variety of benefits – more than I can mention here! I can say that the world health organization (WHO) put together a list of conditions they felt were successfully treated with acupuncture which included all types of musculoskeletal pain, many digestive disorders, emotional disorders, addiction, strokes, and many other issues pertaining to men’s and women’s health.

+ Tell us about facial acupuncture? I heard it’s like Botox. LOL.

Ha! Well, it’s like Botox in the sense that it stimulates “age-defying” improvement for the tissues and skin of your face…however, that’s mostly where the comparisons end. Botox has many potentially harmful side effects, including irreversible facial paralysis, to cite just one example. Acupuncture, on the other hand, represents healing & recovery with no strings attached. There has been a lot of research on facial rejuvenation acupuncture and just some of what we see with facial acupuncture includes increased collagen and elastin production, increased circulation, leukocyte (white blood cell) migration into the tissues facilitating the removal of cellular waste, free radicals, and many other toxins that contribute to the aging process. All of these things then lead to a longer lasting and more natural way to maintain a youthful appearance in the face.

+ What have you seen acupuncture & cupping cure?

The stories I could tell you! Too many to fit on one page, LOL! All sorts of things including the entire scope of painful conditions and injuries, digestive disorders, rare parasites, hormone imbalances and the list goes on and on. Overall, without sacrificing patient confidentiality, I can say that one of the most meaningful differences to ME is the peace & emotional relief that accompanies the healing of acupuncture. Many of my patients have suffered from a variety of debilitating conditions that Western medicine has proved to be no remedy for. The sheer gratitude of my patients when they tell me I’ve helped them in a way that no one else could – that’s what I wake up for. That’s why I do what I do. So, in short form – I’ve seen acupuncture cure absolute medical torment. And that’s relief you absolutely can’t put a price on.

+ Tell us about Lisa’s delicious bath salts- I am obsessed!

So glad you asked! This is a popular question 🙂 Lisa’s recipe is under lock and key — but I can tell you that her production days involve several chocolate runs and a litany of well-scented candles to set the mood and give her inspiration. I am usually the Guinea Pig .. lol! In all seriousness, we put a lot of thought into our bath salts. Our custom formulations include: targeted essential oil aromatherapy and premium crystaline mineral salts. Lisa’s salts are great for just soaking or even doing “contrast soaks”, which are a proven recovery method for healing inflammation and swollen feet (or other body parts) through rapid temperature change from hot to cold for affected areas. Our favorite “feet buckets” are our custom Taylor Made Buckets! 🙂 Lisa’s salts are also great for post-acupuncture & cupping therapy – I recommend a hot soak in the tub after a treatment.

You can find Taylor Taylor on:

♡ Instagram

♡ Facebook

♡ LinkedIn

♡ Twitter

♡ His website

Seriously you guys, book an appointment with Taylor Taylor when you’re in San Diego. You won’t be sorry. You can also buy heart cupping equipment yourself which is fun too.

SHOP THE POST

Source: https://www.theskinnyconfidential.com/cupping-acupuncture-benefits/