#I miss the silly community made just from those chats

[kairithemang0]

Ngl, really missing Tin Can Tuesgays right now

[prolix-yuy]

Hello friends! It's been way way way way WAY too long since we chatted, and to be honest I've been taking an embarrassingly long time to write this update post because godDAMN life just gets you sometimes and you go on an impromptu hiatus that gets super messy. So let's get into what's been going on and what to look forward to!

Pedro Tax for this long-ass post.

(We're gonna get into some personal stuff, but if you're just here for what's coming up skip down to WHAT'S NEXT for the tl;dr version)

So beyond work getting hectic from January to March, which was the catalyst for everything getting wacky, I experienced a weird emotional turn that I wasn't expecting. It made me get a little introspective, which I blame some of my productivity slump on.

As I was finishing up the Bangathon entries, I noticed a sharp decline in interaction. I'm a fairly young fic writer on Tumblr, but I was a little baffled as to why stories I'd posted only a week before got a nice bit of interaction yet the newer ones were only getting half to a quarter of what I expected. For a minute I thought I had been shadowbanned (I was not) or I hadn't tagged the posts (I had) or my taglists weren't working (they were). People were already talking about interaction being lower, so I sat back and tried to go with the flow and not let it bother me. I posted Decoherence, which has a more niche audience, but I was definitely missing and wishing for some of the comments and reblogs I thought I might get.

All this led up to one of the least favorite voices in my head saying something that stuck around:

"Well, you were right not to become a writer if your motivation is this closely tied to feedback."

If you're new here or I haven't talked about it much recently, I initially was planning to be a writer. Went to school for it and everything. While I was there I felt like I hadn't found the stories I wanted to tell yet. My colleagues were developing in their niches and writing "the great American novel" and I didn't feel like I fit in. My stories had a lukewarm reception, and I never felt like anyone was excited about anything I was trying to say. So I wrote myself into burnout by the time I graduated with not much to show for it. I ended up doing a career switch, which I love to this day, but I stopped writing for almost 10 years.

Coming to Tumblr, I felt that spark of excitement writing again, and some of that was definitely due to people commenting and being excited or interested in the stories I was sharing. That truly revived something in me I thought was long gone, and reflecting back on the last two years that I've been sharing stories with this community makes me wildly emotional. I didn't know how much I missed of the life I left behind, and how much joy it brought me to share stories again.

Which is why it was SUPREMELY FRUSTRATING to have that shitty little voice pulverize my productivity and excitement over something as silly as interaction. But I'm sure most of you know how hard it is to get that voice out of your head. I worked to write things I found fun and less stressful than the series I already felt bad for not updating. And while I still love those stories, it felt like I was pulling them from an inauthentic place and finishing them wasn't as satisfying as I'd hoped.

Thus the hiatus! I stopped writing and turned my attentions to consuming and creating in other ways. I watched some shows I'd been meaning to catch up on, started planning to buy a house, worked my butt off at the day job. And I was starting to feel like inspiration was coming back. I didn't want to spook it so I took my time and promised myself I was going to start small and not stress about getting stories out for a bit.

Top that off with some medical surprises, an upcoming surgery, and a little re-evaluation of life moving forward and things have been wild. But I've been missing the daily joy I get from being part of this fandom, and I'm getting back into being here more because I miss you guys! AND! I have stories I want to share and fun to be had. So let's shake off all the heavy shit and get to the fun stuff!

WHAT'S NEXT!

The big thing I'm getting ready to post (after teasing it for so long) is the 2024 Bangathon! This one is different from last year's because instead of requesting stories from me, the Bangathon is open to anyone who wants to participate! There will be a randomizer to play with, and some fun bonuses for those who participate. The announcement will be coming out soon, stay tuned!

As for fics, here are some updates on what's in my WIPs:

Series:

I Think of You: I spent some time rewatching Mando for the newest installment, and I've finally gotten the thread of where to go next thought out. It's been a long time coming so this one's gonna be BEEFY to make up for it.

SW!Frankie: I am crushed to realize it's been over a year since I posted any SW!Frankie! I've got a new story about him and Ms J moving in together I need to finish, then some more asks that are getting into new story arcs I'm excited to share!

Best Laid Plans: Dieter and Murch's first date is bouncing around in my head and I NEED to get it on paper. There's much fun to be had, and I've been binge listening to my playlist for them to get into the headspace.

Midnight Alley: I got all up in my own head about continuing the story with these two and lost a little steam, so I'm going to ease off my "big plans" and start smaller with some oneshots instead. I think it'll help me find out where I want this story to go.

One Shots in Progress:

Decoherence Follow-Up

Incubus!Dieter Ask

You know, laying it out like that makes it feel much more manageable than my brain was telling me! I'm also planning to prioritize more fic reading while I'm getting these updates in ship-shape. Reading your stories always helps get my creative juices flowing, and there are so many good ones lingering in my TBR list that I need to devour.

This has been a rollercoaster of emotions, so thank you for coming on the ride with me. I'm excited to bring more of myself back to Tumblr and have fun with all of you again! To many more stories!

[elizabethrobertajones]

I wish to hear the tales of siren Lizzy driving men into rocks with disinterested lesbian asexuality! Those sound like fun stories!

Oh my god, like, the most recent event, I think I manic pixie dreamgirled a dear friend, who we'd met in weird circumstances (he and his brothers were notable town characters being small business owners with a visible presence and themselves as a trio came across a lot stranger than they actually were. A bestie of mine met his brother and married him and he's the nicest most normal guy, so his brother (much nerdier) became a sort of friend-brother-in-law and we became friends, but I'd reacted in shock and awe to my friend having met her husband by chance since I recognised them in a very silly way and when I was a teen had used their appearance for characters in a story on account of them being Notable Strange People In Town and I'd thought they were only background characters in my life forever until then and therefore fair game to take inspiration from.)

I was just being me at him (chatty, fun, extremely weird, trying not to admit I'd basically made up spy fanfiction about him and his brothers a decade earlier) and he also was sort of weird in a benign normal nerdy way so I didn't think there was anything strange, until I realised he was coming around regularly and bestowing quite large gifts and writing really really really nice birthday cards specifically to me (easy to tell when you're a twin and your twin also gets a present and card from him) which made me start to realise he miiiight have a crush on me, and then I thought about it some more from his perspective of meeting me and how I can be rather full on in person and he was a wallflower who rarely got any attention especially compared to his two more conventionally normcore brothers, and realised I'd accidentally enabled him up to the point that I briefly considered just marrying him to avoid the embarrassment if he did proposition me. But I sort of gently ghosted and just toned back the interaction to group chats and collective meetings and while I feel sort of bad and miss hanging out with a friend who is in town, it was probably very sensible because he was way too nice to accidentally destroy through awkwardness :P

since I'm biromantic and demisexual I do end up crushing on guys and giving anyone a really long time to shoot their shot because I can't tell if I'm just mildly crushing and it could be more or if it's going to turn into more but it is Always a catastrophe and makes me feel More Gay Than Ever in the aftermath and I know now after so many failed attempts I am Not Meant to date at the very least any guy who is excessively cis, het, shy, or normcore in interests because I just end up in a spiral about not matching them in any way whatsoever despite my surface ability to start crushing, and it causes an enormous communication gulf that they are never equipped to handle and I always end up feeling like I'm trying to explain myself to a brick wall until I give up and things fall apart, because in the same time I was giving them a run up, they had already fallen completely in love or else thought we should already be having tons of sex and were hurt I wasn't interested yet and couldn't SAY that so they get passive aggressive and super weird and - aaurgh. Sometimes I just want to be friends, also, but that can also be seen as interest from some people so then they hit a double brick wall where I only ACCIDENTALLY led them on and I sometimes don't even know myself which one it was if I did crush on them at least a little at first.

I do catch myself thinking sometimes that I should just shave my head to try and get some sort of visible barrier up XD

[box-off]

ok do it talk about tf2 and postal

You asked for it.

Okay, let's start with tf2. Tf2 is one of the best games EVER in my opinion, and it's not a really trustworthy one, but it's an opinion. I love everything from character design to the community to the game itself. The comics which make me want to explode from how well the character design goes both for 3d and 2d, and the silly world that the characters live in. It's like some kind of wonderland, but it's made for a fps gamer. The first thing that made me interested in tf2 was my friend talking about it, he sent me the "Meet the spy" video and a fan made animation. I remember seeing it and thinking "Wow, those guys look cool", and when I started learning more I REALLY wanted to play as scout (who I still main to this day). I obviously knew about tf2 before but never got too interested in it. But when I started playing oh wow it sucked me in. Tf2 made me have a big standard for character design, thanks to tf2 I never watched Hazbin Hotel or Helluva Boss (no matter how hard my friends tried to make me watch it), because oh how distracting those designs were for me. Whenever I think about good character design it's the tf2 mercs, they made me realize that the characters don't have to have 300 cool guns on them to point at the character and say "THIS GUY IS COOL!", you can make simple characters that are still catchy and easy to remember and recognize, and even get to understand their main purpose from just a glance. It's even better to make them simple in some cases! (In general valve games have good designs, but tf2 stands out a lot, at least for me). The game itself always makes me feel good, surprisingly it can be relaxing if you don't get too into the competitive mood and have the luck to get normal teammates. Yes, I might be a casual player, but I'm free. Don't get me started on the amount of playing styles tho. I'm not really good at them, I always go with scout, hop around and do my shit. I do play medic in MvM tho, I just really like to have a huge shield and be like "I'll protect you", idk, it's probably the furry alpha wolf speaking in me. But in normal game, oh what a blessing it is sometimes to have a really skilled demoknight, or a good rocket jumper in your team. Or a good spy who saves the day when the engineers build their nest right over the corner, or a medic that manages to heal everyone and not die 100 times in the process. I barely talk in chat in the game (because it's distracting), but know that if you play good and I'm in your team I'm thanking you constantly in my mind. Let me add that I joined the fandom when the bots where still there so I played with them a lot. Now that this is getting fixed it's even more fun! But I managed to fall in love with this half broken game and I'm sorry, that's a big fucking gold medal for a game, if it can still pull fans while being abandoned (hopefully that changes, but it's still impressive).

Now about Postal. I am edgy. Let me be real, if you saw my art you can probably tell that I do like myself some guts and blood from time to time. And I like humor, I like to laugh, to chuckle, to snicker if you will. So me liking Postal was just a matter of time. First game I played was Brain Damaged, and oh boy, the humor was good (even tho some things I missed because I didn't play the other games). As I got deeper into other games I was so IN. Those games are just so much FUN. I like fps games if you couldn't tell, and this? This is the fps game ever, it has some fun stuff to do, you of course can shoot, you can just walk around and explore in postal 2 and 4, and it's worth it! I love exploring those games, they always have some silly stuff here and there. And what they did well in Postal 4 is that they made you explore, they hid dolls, gnomes and all that stuff all over the map, and you can explore it, not just because, but you can actually get something for it. And let me be honest, Postal Dude? Hot. He's hot, and as a dirty stinky gay man myself I appreciate the representation. But jokes aside, HE'S A GOOD CHARACTER. I love him, it's interesting to watch what he does, to hear what he says, in all the games btw, yes, even postal 3. The character design again? Really well done. Postal Dude is simple, Postal Dude is cool, he's not your stereotypical "Cool guy who kills people with huge armor on" or "The buff guy who fights everyone with bare hands" (except Shtopor, that guy is fucking RIPPED.) When I look at Doomguy? I think "Damn, you're cool." when I look at Postal Dude?? I think "Damn man, you're probably stink", and you know what? THAT'S THE CHARM OF THIS CHARACTER. He sucks! You know where he sucks even more than in the game? The movie, and you have NO IDEA how much I love it. The movie is bad, like, not just because "it doesn't represent the characters as they are in the game" but because it's a bad movie. Just as a movie it's not really well done. But! I still love it. It's a movie that is fun to watch with your friends, you laugh at how bad it is, you just have a blast, at least me and my friends did. And I have the bluray disk, so I have the behind the scenes and all that cool stuff, and you know what? It made me like this shit even more. I really wish I could play more Postal with people, and not just that, I'm also waiting for Postal 4 co-op, and some of my friends getting the game as well. Because in my opinion Postal is that type of game that has to be shown to your friends in a "Hey guys, look at this stupid game I found, isn't it so random??" way. I talked a lot about Postals funny part, yes, but I do have to also mention that Postal 1 is rally good. And yes, postal redux is just Postal 1 with a bit better graphics, but I do like it in a way (mainly because of the better quality of the loading screens, because those are just so good. I really like the artistic part of this game). Funny postal? It's good, I love funny postal. But without creepy postal there wouldn't be some stuff in the funny postal that we like so much. Other Dude? The head wound making everything look strange? I don't really think we would have that in newer postal games without postal 1!

[cursed-sonic-opinions]

back in September of 2023, just a few months into my Sonic hyperfixation, i had finally run out of Silver's appearances and lore to dive into. i missed him terribly (even back then i considered him a son to me) so i started listening to Ian Flynn's podcast, the BumbleKast. it was so much fun! i was having such a great time listening that i decided to make a Tumblr blog where i could share clips and transcripts with Sonicblr. i created bumblekastclips and began posting the funniest moments from the show i could find, doing my best to emphasize that none of the show was canon in any way and it was just two dudes having fun goofing around.

i really enjoyed running that blog and sharing my favorite answers with the tumblr community. i was hopeful that people would see that Flynn is a fan just like they are and that even if we have disagreements on the quality of his writing, he absolutely doesn't deserve the death threats, multiple doxxing efforts, and misinformation spread about him. he really is just a completely normal guy with a great sense of humor, and so is Kyle. not long after i created BKC, i joined the official Bumblekast Discord, and to this day, that is the single best move i have ever made. it is a small, intensely friendly, personal community where i have made some of the closest friends of my life. i am active in there every day, and many of its members feel like family to me now. hell, i have even met one of them in person twice (last night he came over to my grandma's house where we've been staying during her hospice care and we chatted, had pizza, and both lost playing Team Sonic Racing. it was incredible fun!)

through the BKDS, i have also gotten to know Kyle, the Bumblekast's co-host. he is an incredibly nice, super funny guy who is an absolute blast to talk to in VC and play games with. i am fortunate to now also be able to call him a personal friend as well as the host of my favorite podcast. he is so kind and when i am feeling down and struggling, he always makes an effort to tell me that he appreciates the energy i bring to the community and that i'm wanted there, and i believe him.

it's because of this community i have grown a lot as a person. my friends there have helped me through what, so far, has been the worst year of my life. my anxiety has gotten easier to manage. or at least, it had. as many people know, the show has swarms of people who hate it, and those people started creating problems online by posting clips out of context and trying to get Ian in trouble with SEGA. sadly their efforts worked, and Ian had to make the decision to ban Sonic questions from the show entirely.

it broke my heart, but i completely understand why he made that choice, and given the circumstances, i think it was the right call. SEGA also insisted they change their policy on people who post unauthorized clips, which means that SEGA indirectly killed my transcript & highlights fan blog... but honestly, i don't really care. that blog had its run and i am happy to leave it in the dust. i care so much more about the show's future and the well-being of my favorite podcast boys. some silly blog is nothing to me in the grand scheme of things.

however, a day or two after Ian announced this change, i received an anonymous ask from one of Flynn's countless haters. bumblekastclips always received metric shitloads of hate and harassment, which i always just deleted and moved on from. i intended to do the same with this particular ask, but with time, it's really started to bother me. i can't remember the specifics because this was weeks ago now, but it went something like this:

"I just wanted to say 'Thank You' for running the Bumblekastclips blog! Because of you, now everyone on Tumblr knows how much of a god awful writer Ian Flynn is. You brought so much attention to his stupid little podcast that not even SEGA could ignore it anymore. Because of you, Ian Flynn might even lose work from them in the future! That would be so great, he would never be able to damage Sonic's writing and reputation ever again! I'm so happy. Thank you! Because of you, more people than ever before are figuring out that he doesn't deserve to work at all. I hope you know that when he stops getting hired, it'll be all your fault. Their stupid little show will never make money ever again. Kyle and Ian will go hungry and we have you to thank for it. You're my hero!"

like, that's comically evil, right? bumblekastclips only had like 330 followers, max. the average transcript got maybe 20 notes. it seems like a stretch to claim that SEGA came down on the boys like that because of shitty little a tumblr blog that posted only a few clips each month and had long stretches of inactivity. when i received this ask i just rolled my eyes, blocked the person, and deleted the ask... but as time has gone on, what they said has really been eating at me. i started BKC to share my appreciation for the show. i wanted people to laugh because so many of the questions had gotten me to laugh to the point of tears. the absolute last thing i ever wanted was to disrupt the show. the idea that the boys have lost a significant portion of their income because of me has been bothering me so, so much. Kyle is my friend, and so are a lot of the other members of the BumbleKrew. as unlikely as it may be, the idea that this all happened because of me makes me sick to my stomach. sure, it's a stretch, but far more unlikely things have happened. oh, god, what if i'm a burden on the community i love so much?

🦔‧₊˚✩彡

[rabbithaver]

back in September of 2023, just a few months into my Sonic hyperfixation, i had finally run out of Silver's appearances and lore to dive into. i missed him terribly (even back then i considered him a son to me) so i started listening to Ian Flynn's podcast, the BumbleKast. it was so much fun! i was having such a great time listening that i decided to make a Tumblr blog where i could share clips and transcripts with Sonicblr. i created bumblekastclips and began posting the funniest moments from the show i could find, doing my best to emphasize that none of the show was canon in any way and it was just two dudes having fun goofing around.

i really enjoyed running that blog and sharing my favorite answers with the tumblr community. i was hopeful that people would see that Flynn is a fan just like they are and that even if we have disagreements on the quality of his writing, he absolutely doesn't deserve the death threats, multiple doxxing efforts, and misinformation spread about him. he really is just a completely normal guy with a great sense of humor, and so is Kyle. not long after i created BKC, i joined the official Bumblekast Discord, and to this day, that is the single best move i have ever made. it is a small, intensely friendly, personal community where i have made some of the closest friends of my life. i am active in there every day, and many of its members feel like family to me now. hell, i have even met one of them in person twice (last night he came over to my grandma's house where we've been staying during her hospice care and we chatted, had pizza, and both lost playing Team Sonic Racing. it was incredible fun!)

through the BKDS, i have also gotten to know Kyle, the Bumblekast's co-host. he is an incredibly nice, super funny guy who is an absolute blast to talk to in VC and play games with. i am fortunate to now also be able to call him a personal friend as well as the host of my favorite podcast. he is so kind and when i am feeling down and struggling, he always makes an effort to tell me that he appreciates the energy i bring to the community and that i'm wanted there, and i believe him.

it's because of this community i have grown a lot as a person. my friends there have helped me through what, so far, has been the worst year of my life. my anxiety has gotten easier to manage. or at least, it had. as many people know, the show has swarms of people who hate it, and those people started creating problems online by posting clips out of context and trying to get Ian in trouble with SEGA. sadly their efforts worked, and Ian had to make the decision to ban Sonic questions from the show entirely.

it broke my heart, but i completely understand why he made that choice, and given the circumstances, i think it was the right call. SEGA also insisted they change their policy on people who post unauthorized clips, which means that SEGA indirectly killed my transcript & highlights fan blog... but honestly, i don't really care. that blog had its run and i am happy to leave it in the dust. i care so much more about the show's future and the well-being of my favorite podcast boys. some silly blog is nothing to me in the grand scheme of things.

however, a day or two after Ian announced this change, i received an anonymous ask from one of Flynn's countless haters. bumblekastclips always received metric shitloads of hate and harassment, which i always just deleted and moved on from. i intended to do the same with this particular ask, but with time, it's really started to bother me. i can't remember the specifics because this was weeks ago now, but it went something like this:

"I just wanted to say 'Thank You' for running the Bumblekastclips blog! Because of you, now everyone on Tumblr knows how much of a god awful writer Ian Flynn is. You brought so much attention to his stupid little podcast that not even SEGA could ignore it anymore. Because of you, Ian Flynn might even lose work from them in the future! That would be so great, he would never be able to damage Sonic's writing and reputation ever again! I'm so happy. Thank you! Because of you, more people than ever before are figuring out that he doesn't deserve to work at all. I hope you know that when he stops getting hired, it'll be all your fault. Their stupid little show will never make money ever again. Kyle and Ian will go hungry and we have you to thank for it. You're my hero!"

like, that's comically evil, right? bumblekastclips only had like 330 followers, max. the average transcript got maybe 20 notes. it seems like a stretch to claim that SEGA came down on the boys like that because of a shitty little tumblr blog that posted only a few clips each month and had long stretches of inactivity. when i received this ask i just rolled my eyes, blocked the person, and deleted the ask... but as time has gone on, what they said has really been eating at me.

i started BKC to share my appreciation for the show. i wanted people to laugh because so many of the questions had gotten me to laugh to the point of tears. the absolute last thing i ever wanted was to disrupt the show. the idea that the boys have lost a significant portion of their income because of my blog has been bothering me so, so much. Kyle is my friend, and so are a lot of the other members of the BumbleKrew. as unlikely as it may be, the idea that this all happened because of me makes me sick to my stomach. it's a stretch, sure, but far more unlikely things have happened. what if i'm a burden on the community i love so much? what if i actually do make everything worse? what if this really is my fault

[planetsonlali]

philm club #2: dnp joint liveshow 10/19/15

i had so much fun watching this liveshow! thoughts below the cut! apologies in advance for being so longwinded 😅

this was about a year after i started watching dnp so this is giving me so much nostalgia for my early phandom days. i can't remember if i watched this live - i probably didn't because the timing of liveshows often didn't work out for me unfortunately - but i definitely remember watching it that day 🥹

it also gave me a lot of happy nostalgic feels hearing them call out so many familiar names like anahita and coconutswaggy. it was like hearing about old friends 🥰

dan and his liveshow inception my beloved 🫶

dan was in such a good, high energy mood. i love the way tour energizes him so much. this liveshow had good energy from both of them, but i esp love seeing Tour Dan 😭

6 years friendiversary and 6 years of dinof 🥺 dan doing his typical "i'm so sorry" sarcastic thing about ppl watching him and phil reminding him that he should be thankful. i love phil so much 🥰

the way they are both SO genuinely excited about and proud of tatinof and tabinof gives me so much joy. they truly put so much effort and love into these projects and i love hearing them gush about it 😭

dan ripping his pants and phil injuring himself on stage. a few hundred shows and over a decade later, they are still doing the same things 🤪

dan going on a rant about p!atd. i miss his long tangents about music during his liveshows. i remember so clearly when pretty odd came out and how ppl were so disappointed. it took me years to return to pretty odd and give it another listen, and dan is so right - it's an underappreciated album 🌺

dan constantly fidgeting with his fringe and repeatedly humming/singing under his breath. i am so painfully fond of him and his little stims 🥺

i'm feeling some kinda way about them talking about how happy they are that ppl have made friends thru their videos and the tour compared to now when they always talk about their shows being a way for lesbians to hook up. obviously they still talk about how they love that ppl make friends thru them (which i love), but i love how they also feel so comfortable now talking about their queer audience and queer relationships and sex 😍🌈

phil forcing dan to smell him my beloved 🫶

martyn mention 😍

the way they were so confused about the promotion pop up box. they are so cute and silly 😆

editing tips jfdjaskfjdls 💀

phil wants to see dan with black hair so bad 👀

return of dan going on about phil's blue/green/yellow eyes 🥲

omg i forgot this was the origin of the 'bitten on the florida' story!!! phil i love you so bad 😂🐿

"get over it, get over it, you cynic" recurring theme in philm club so far is the captain of the phil lester defense squad making his presence known 🫡

buffy reference!! 😻

phil impersonating dan's gesticulations and dan never noticing. i adore them both 🫶🥺💖

dan is SO pouty when phil shuts down his idea of everyone taking the tabinof chair quiz live. he is literally 🥺

dan's chair having a big secret. oh ouch 😫

dan predicting an apocalypse. hello we're all doomed 💀🧡

"would you do something to susan boyle?" was that an amazingdan reference from the chat or just a coincidence? at any rate, it gave me whiplash 👀

ahh that was so much fun! i loved revisiting their first tour energy and excitement while we are in the midst of joint tour number three. often times when i think back to the past, i think about all the ways that dnp have changed over the years, but stepping back into time and revisiting these moments really highlights how it's not a change so much as an evolution. i can still see the 2012 dnp we watched last week and the 2015 dnp from this liveshow in the dnp that we see today. i can see those younger selves in who they are now and see the ways they have grown and see the ways that the phandom has grown and the way i have grown right there alongside them. i just love them and this community so much. ok enough sappiness the end goodbye 🫶💛

[aleyanatasha]

THE MAN I USED TO LOVE

People said high school love is just a phase and it is just temporary. However, during Form 1, my eyes laid on a boy talking to his group of friends. At first, I thought it was just a silly little moment of a normal high school girl having a crush on her batchmate. I thought it would end soon. But, having a crush on him continued until I was 15, silently. Things took a turn when I decided to approach him first on Instagram. We exchanged conversation every day about our daily activities, made jokes, and shared our favorite music. What started as casual chats quickly blossomed into something deeper. I found myself looking forward to our conversations, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness each time I received a notification from him. After two months, I decided to talk it out with him, about my feelings which I can not hide anymore. It took him about 2 months to reciprocate my feelings. We shared moments together, and asked about each other’s worries, just like a normal high school lover. Things last for 2 years and a half, our happy moments that I will always keep within me. Those little bickering, teasing each other, and the late-night conversations filled with laughter and dreams are some of my fondest memories. As I said in the first sentence of this story, I do agree with people. We graduated high school, parted ways into different states to pursue our dreams, which led to a lack of communication and love towards each other. We broke up. It felt like a part of me was missing. It was the biggest heartbreak I went through, he is my first love, and the man who treated me better than anyone else. The greatest partner any girl could ever wish for. When I was sick, he was always there to check on me, bringing me my comfort food, medicine and making sure I was comfortable. He had a way of making even the toughest days feel brighter, and those little gestures meant the world to me. My first love taught me what it meant to care deeply for someone, and that experience will always hold a special place in my heart. Yet, the distance and our busy schedules made it increasingly difficult to maintain what we once had. The conversations became less frequent, and the laughter that had filled our chats slowly faded. We decided to focus on ourselves more. I believe this healing and moving on phase is a thing that will eventually help us grow individually. It was hard to accept, but I knew it was necessary for both of us. Until today, I am still hoping the greatest thing will come his way. To the man I used to love, I am still wishing the best for you. The best for my Alif Haris.

[bbfeelings]

My contribution to the first day of Kazuki Week 2023: grief/acceptance. Sorry double posting, but I figure it's more accessible to post the entire fic here on Tumblr. You can also read it on AO3.

Title inspired by this song. And for your vibe considerations.

Your Mess Is Mine

QPR or mlm KazuRei. Post-finale, Pre-Time Skip. Family fluff.

Summary: Kazuki, Rei, and Miri attend Karin's wedding in France. Before this, Kazuki and Rei's relationship was largely undefined because they were both fine with whatever that is going on.

────

When Karin flashed her engagement ring over video chat a year ago, Kazuki didn’t imagine he’d be in the French countryside, walking her down the aisle, with Miri tossing petals just steps before them. Karin clung to “Kazu-nii” all those years ago; and just now, she hooked her arm around his again.

Yuzuko’s death once separated them. Parentless and raised by her elder sister, young Karin went to live with a distant relative up north, while Kazuki remained in Tokyo. He believed that she resented him for taking her only family away. Then they reconnected again, and she fitted right into his newfound family. Miri and Karin adore each other, and Rei warmed up to her quickly, too.

Kazuki feels the tears well up. Don’t cry, don’t cry, they’re taking photos. He looks at her; Karin is beautiful in the gown she designed herself. She looks right back at him, the way she squints when she smiles, the same quirk Yuzuko had. I’m walking her down the aisle, Yuzu. Can you believe it? He presses his lips together, but a blink lets the droplets fall.

“Aw, come on, you’re such a cryer,” Karin says, with a smile so dazzling that he almost misses her misty eyes. “You’re gonna make me cry, too.” The two giggles at how silly they look trying to fight back tears.

────

After retiring from their previous careers and moving out of the city to a seaside town, Kazuki and Rei (mostly Kazuki, really) made local friends and were invited to weddings a couple of times. But this particular wedding is unlike anything they’ve experienced. For starters, the celebration is hosted at a chateau—or what Miri excitedly called a castle. Karin’s husband is an award-winning chef specializing in Japanese-French cuisine, so the food is bound to be exquisite. Not to mention, French weddings are an all-day affair, as they’ve been warned that dinner will be served at 9 pm, and the party after will last till dawn.

As her first trip outside of Japan, or perhaps just as a 9-year-old, Miri is having the time of her life. “We’re staying at a castle!” Their room is furnished with one king-sized bed. Kazuki and Rei looked at each other and shrugged.

In the four and a half years they’ve left their old lives behind, the family of three had had a few living situations. After the loft apartment, they moved into an old unit with a tatami floor in the only bedroom. Much to young Miri’s delight, the three of them slept together for an entire year.

It wasn’t an easy year; stuck in a shoe box, between assimilating into civilian life, parenthood, and Rei’s disability, Kazuki and Rei had disagreements. Many. Never fighting in front of Miri was the one thing they could agree on from the start.

But it was also that year when they grew much closer. The reality forced them to communicate, and to face issues head on. Ultimately, Kazuki and Rei wanted the same thing: a safe, happy childhood for Miri. Every time they fought, it was to protect that vision. In that same year, they began to truly mold and fit into each other, consciously or unconsciously. From Kazuki walking on Rei’s right side, Rei’s ability to maneuver in the kitchen alongside Kazuki, to the way they sleep in the futons on tatami.

────

The day of the wedding, Kazuki stood before the armoire; a black suit for him, a navy suit for Rei, and a satin and tulle dress Karin had made for Miri in a shade of sage green that flatters her eyes and hair. She’d even hand sewed her name, in cursive, on the inside of the dress.

“Reminds me of the night before her first day at daycare,” Kazuki said in a tone reminiscent of something like nostalgia.

“A much better job than we’ll ever do,” Rei took a glance then chuckled.

“Can’t argue with that.”

Kazuki zipped up the dress then fluffed up the wrinkled tulle skirt. Miri twirled excitedly. “Can I go? Can I go?” Her eyes sparkled.

“Don’t run too far, be back here in 10 minutes, okay?” She nodded then disappeared behind the door. By the sound of her heels, she was skipping down the hall.

Kazuki combed and tied Rei’s hair into a sleek low ponytail. Rei had kept it at mid length, after discovering his strands form loose waves with the right haircut, instead of a puffy, frizzy mess. Though Kazuki never called it a mess; he’d say it was fluffy while ruffling through it.

“I can do it myself,” Rei said. Kazuki fastened the necktie just right, then smoothed down the collar. “I know. But I like doing it.”

“Hmm.”

────

After the ceremony, it’s the cocktail hours. When the blonde man finally returns with a plate of hors d'oeuvre and two flutes, Rei snares. “Done harassing your brother-in-law?”

“This is the time! A real, living Michelin star chef. I had to.”

“So what did you steal from him.” Rei takes a sip as he watches Miri playing with other children across the room.

“He said we should try using baguette instead of milk bread for French toast.”

“We could test with baguette on the next day off. What else?”

“Something about olive oil… I’m not sure. His Japanese isn’t fluent. And a lot of the food terms were in French,” Kazuki pauses to enjoy the finger food. “You have to try this.”

Rei studies the little piece of toast with various toppings, “Nah. It has olives.”

Kazuki picks out the olive, eats it, then offers Rei again by shoving it directly in front of his face. Rei reluctantly eats off Kazuki’s hand.

“Not bad.”

“Right?”

────

The dinner was a feast. Multi-course, modern Japanese-French cuisine with wine pairings. Rei swears that Kazuki was nearly brought to tears, again. “The miso? The miso in the sauce? Brilliant. Gosh. I wish I was Karin.” Kazuki gushes.

“Don’t even think about stealing my husband, Kazuki,” the tipsy bride waltzes over with a wine glass in hand. Her pretend stern face turns into giggles as soon as she sees Rei. “I don’t think Rei-kun would be happy with that either!”

“Why wouldn’t I be—“

Karin shushes him. “Stop it. Stop. It flew right over you again and I’m not explaining.” Rei closes his gaping mouth in confusion.

“Go get Miri! I’m doing the bouquet toss in a bit!” The giddy bride says before hopping away towards the groom, who waits to take her hand with the fondest look on his face.

“What was that?” Rei asks. Kazuki puts a hand on his back and shakes his head.

“Figured.”

────

Kazuki and Miri wait with a group of women who are participating in the bouquet toss.

“This is so fun,” She says as she yawns. Too much fun, perhaps. It is getting late. “When you and Rei-papa get married, can I be a flower girl again?” She looks up at Kazuki and asks nonchalantly.

“Eh? Why—“

“Kazuki! Get outta there! You’re not getting this bouquet!” Karin shouts and swings her arm dramatically. Her cheeks are flushed and her steps are slightly unsteady. She looks so happy.

“My bad, my bad…” Kazuki holds up his hands as he moves out of the way. The guests laugh at their sibling banter.

The excited crowd gathers. This is where the real fun of the night begins. Karin turns around and does a couple of swings before her toss; the guests watch attentively in anticipation.

“Three… two… one!” The bride jumps and hurls backward, sending the bouquet across the ballroom. In front of the group, Miri realizes the bundle of flowers isn’t coming their way. It’s going completely sideways, towards the wine table. Everyone’s eyes follow the flying bouquet.

Rei flexes his left arm and catches it backhandedly. He turns around, prosecco in one hand, flowers in the other, utterly flabbergasted. The guests go wild; several women swarm him. That man wasn’t even looking!

Miri weaves through the traffic, throws herself at Rei, and squeals. “That was so cool!” She beams and hugs his waist tightly. “My papas are getting married!”

“Eh? What do you mean—“

“Congratulations!” The guests cheer, making him even more flustered. What is Miri saying? He scans the crowd in a panic, but couldn’t find a single familiar face.

Then he sees it. Strawberry blonde, a pair of bright, tea-brown eyes, and a crooked grin. Kazuki swims through the crowd and makes it to Rei and Miri.

“Rei-papa and Kazuki-papa are getting married!”

“Wow, haha, um, nice catch!” Kazuki says awkwardly. Damn it, my nerves! Rei doesn’t say anything, eyes wide like a deer in the headlight. “Um, you all right? Rei?”

“I saw something in the corner of my eye and… this.” He holds up the bouquet, “That wasn’t very normal people of me.” Rei mutters, ears still hot from all the attention.

Kazuki chuckles slyly, “Sure was very assassin of you.”

Rei dishes a side eye and chucks the flowers in his face.

────

They finally coaxed Miri into going to bed. The condition: she gets to hold on to the bouquet when she does. The two men step out to the garden for some fresh air. Rei takes out a brand new pack of cigarettes in French packaging.

“Haven’t seen you smoke in a while,” Kazuki commented.

“Well, it’s for the occasion.” He lights it up, takes a drag, and promptly coughs.

“Can’t handle it anymore?”

“Shut up. I just wasn’t expecting it to be this strong.”

The lively music flows out from the chateau, a stark contrast to the serene and sleepy countryside.

“…would you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Sign the papers.”

“Sign what papers?”

“Gosh, Rei, do I really need to spell it out?”

“You know the answer.”

“Fine.” Kazuki sighs, wishing he’d had a drink before this. “Like, getting married or whatever. Hypothetically, of course.”

Rei takes a long drag and exhales. “I mean, you’re the one who was married.”

“That was different.”

“How so?”

Kazuki pictures the day he and Yuzuko got married at the city hall. She was in a sundress, and he was in a shirt and tie that were sold as a set. But that wasn’t really it, was it? Marriage is… what comes after. Though their marriage barely lasted, and it wasn’t their fault. Kazuki reaches his hand over, Rei passes the cigarette.

Kazuki coughs.

“Told you.”

“Yeah, thanks for the warning.” Regaining composure, Kazuki continues. “You know she died six months later.”

Rei remains silent.

“But it was easy—the decision to get married. It was just the thing to do, you know? If I could do it over, I’d marry her again. She was what I needed. At the time. I… loved her. I really did. And I still do, I think.” He pauses, looking back at the chateau. “Like how I love Karin and Miri. I’d do anything for them—I’d die in their place, if I could.”

The thought of Miri or Kazuki dying sends a chill down his spine. Rei turns his head away. “That’s grim. We’re at a wedding.”

“I know. But—and then there’s you. And I’d do the same for you, too.”

“I can handle myself.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Then what do you mean, Kazuki? You asked me a hypothetical question and went on about… about the people you love. What’s that got to do with each other? I can’t understand you when you go roundabout like that.” Rei pauses, filling his lungs with brisk air. “I need you to tell me exactly what it is.”

Kazuki traces the outline of the man before him, then puts his arm around his slim frame. Rei leans in and rests his head on his shoulder. “We’re not fighting though, are we?”

“Of course not, dummy,” Kazuki says softly.

“Idiot.”

“Jerk.”

“…it’s warm.”

“Hmm.”

“I like you.”

“What did you just say?” Kazuki pulls away, “What are you, a teenager?”

“I didn’t like anyone when I was a teenager.”

“Don’t get smart with me,” he fixes Rei’s crooked tie, “I love you.”

Rei brings them back together and burrows his face in the strawberry blonde.

“I love you, too.”

────

The guests circle the newlyweds as they open the dance. Kazuki and Rei watch from a safe distance, sipping on drinks.

Rei finishes his dessert wine. “This is delicious, why do they serve it in such a small glass?”

“Probably because only an ant like you could drink it,” Kazuki scrunches his nose, “It’s sickly sweet.”

“No, it’s not, it has… layers.”

“I think it’s too sweet.”

“Can we stock these at the diner?”

“Absolutely not.”

“You suck,” Rei pouts, “I’m going to get more.”

10 minutes later, Rei is visibly tipsy. “I learned,” he says as he puts his hand on the small of Kazuki’s back, “these are called dessert wine.” His eyes twinkle. Oh no. Kazuki knows this look.

“Let’s go!” Rei tugs on the lapels.

“You don’t even like dancing!”

“Yeah, but, Karin says we have to.”

Kazuki glances over, Karin is in the middle of the dance floor, picking up her floor-length skirt, laughing and twirling to the poppy music. Kazuki hesitates. He can’t dance to save his life. A happy drunk Rei is mesmerized by the joy spilling over from the dance floor.

Then the music changes. It’s a slower instrumental piece; anyone can tell that it’s a love song. The crowd slows down. Then the groom waltzes in, Karin takes his hand. Cheek to cheek, they step and sway to the rhythm. The guests pair up and follow their lead.

Rei looks at Kazuki, eyes twinkling. He gives in. Then Rei smiles the only way he can: a thin-lipped, strained smile. But Kazuki knows better than anyone else. This is Rei’s happy face. He takes his left hand, and he places his right on his heart. He pulls him in with an arm around the waist.

“Is your arm okay like that?” Kazuki asks, in a voice only Rei can hear. Rei hums. They move with the music; knowing nothing about dancing, they just follow their instincts. Rei puts his head down on Kazuki’s shoulder and closes his eyes.

“Don’t fall asleep on me.”

“Hmm.”

────

Daylight breaks into the ballroom, the partied-out guests sit around, nibbling hot onion soup.

Rei’s glossy, wavy, raven-colored hair is down, draping over his shoulders. Kazuki’s shirt is stained with wine. Their ties are missing. The two huddle together, eating soup.

“If it’s possible, it’d be nice.”

“What?”

“To get married. To you.”

“I see.”

“Tsk. That’s it?”

“You want me to propose now?”

“Maybe.”

“Then I propose to—add French onion soup to the menu.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It’s delicious.”

“That’d be nice.”

“Hmm.”

“To get married. If it’s possible. That is.”

“Okay. What about dessert wine?”

“No.”

“Fine.”

Kazuki warps Rei into his arms and rests his chin on his left shoulder. Their cheeks touch; slightly sticky with sweat, wine, and maybe a little bit of happy tears.

[ The End ]

Thank you for reading! Fun fact: the baguette French toast is a secret menu at this little cafe run by a French couple near where I used to live. The best French toast hands down. I want to thank the anon who sent in the lovely idea of a KazuRei story at Karin’s wedding.

Check out my other Buddy Daddies fics in the pinned post, if you'd like!

[dilesxpressions]

Welton Czhang

1. Name, Year, Major, and Hometown

My name is Welton Czhang, I’m an Animal Science major, and my hometown is San Gabriel!

2. What’s your roman empire?

My roman empire is thinking about cats and how complete my life would be if I had pets, how I can constantly adapt and improve my boxing stances and punches, and finally how frequently I can plan hangouts with people around my schedule while also leaving to study. 

3. What is the best compliment you have ever received?

The best compliments I have ever received are from my friends stating how I do the most for other people, and give away so much love.

4. If your life was a movie what genre would it be (comedy, horror, drama, etc.) and what actor would play you?

If life was a movie the genre for mine would be a dramedy! David Tennant would play me and absolutely crush my role.

5. What is something on your college bucket list?

Something on my college bucket list is to bike all around Davis from night until morning with myself, a friend, or a group of friends, and to not check our phones for the entire duration of that time. Only until morning would we check where we’ve been, and track the amount of miles we’ve biked, and then bike back home! 

6. What’s your guilty pleasure? (song, movie, food etc.)

My guilty pleasure is spending a LOT of screen time on Instagram sending silly reels or memes to my friends. 

7. What are your bad habits?

I do not make my bed every morning, I sometimes do not wake up on my first, second, third, fourth, or fifth alarm because I am a heavy sleeper, and I enjoy my long showers. (~40 mins) 

8. What are your favorite song lyrics?

One of my favorite song lyrics is from Last Kiss, “I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets, How you’d kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something, There’s not a day I don’t miss those rude interruptions. And I’ll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes, all that I know is I don’t know, how to be something you miss. “ I love how Taylor can tell stories in a song, maybe it’s romantic, maybe it’s bittersweet, but the way the lyrics rhyme and be catchy as well as paint a picture in your head is why I love Last Kiss, as well the rest of her music!

9. Defend your unpopular opinion/ hot take

In n Out is mid, the bread tastes like sandpaper, McDonald’s is better in literally everything, Cane’s is also mid, it tastes so plain, if it wasn’t for Cane’s sauce, they would be nothing. KFC is the best fast-food place for chicken because I grew up with it, and the oil, skin, and chicken they make has the best 1:1:1 ratio. Drake only knows how to make catchy, popular songs but is not a good artist. I like some of his songs but he is not good. 

10. Describe a time where you had to step up and be a leader?

One high challenge situation that really put me in a leadership position was the time that I was placed into a group project where we had to create a song about DNA, and I was a freshman who had just recently transferred into high school. In my group were sophomores and juniors who were uninterested in cooperating with me in completing the project, rather, they much preferred each other’s company. They spent most of their time joking and chatting with each other, and initially it was so hard to get anything serious and project-related done. They also ignored me or glossed over what I, a freshman, had to say. With a deadline a couple weeks away, I spent a good chunk of my time first setting aside my own differences from the group so that I could bond with each one of them personally before bringing them all together so we could achieve the task that loomed ahead of us. If they wanted to have fun, we had fun, we just made the project fun in our way! It wasn’t easy, the communication aspect and team-bonding part was already not a part of the assignment, taking up so much time for effective planning. Regardless, our final product was something that we all collectively put our heads together for, and we ended up really happy with the outcome. When it came our turn to present our song, my teacher loved it, and the class cheered us on afterwards with a standing ovation.

[strelitziareginaee]

MEET THE MUN!

name — Ghost/Ghosty

pronouns — she/her

preferred comms — Discord (Ask for Discord!) and Tumblr IMs

name of muse —

Main Muse: Strelitzia Side Muse: Cinderella

experience in RP — A long time. I've been rping since the Myspace days! Then I bounced around a lot. Left Tumblr for a few years and recently came back.

best experiences — I used to be a part of the Kingdom Hearts community back when Tumblr was really thriving (in the early 2010's), when rping in groups rather than independently was a big thing. I roleplayed Vanitas and made some really awesome friends in that group! We called ourselves the KH Crack Crew, lol. We would all talk every day on Skype! Those were good times and sometimes I still think about all of them. We just sort of drifted apart when we started to explore other fandoms, and yeaaaaa.... I still miss my KHCC squad sometimes, though we're all still friends on Facebook!

pet peeves / dealbreakers — Godmodding. I can't stand it. Even if it's something as small as assuming what my character is going to do next. If you want to have the scene go a certain way, there's a way you can write it and if my character does deviate from your original plan, you can take the story elsewhere. That's what can make rp really fun! The only times I'm willing to let it slide is in drabbles, lol.

My other pet peeve is taking what my character does way too personally outside of character. Like, ya'll know this is fake, right? lmao. At the end of the day, we're just writing our silly little characters in our silly little worlds. If it's ruining your day that badly, please go outside and touch some grass.

muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ) — So I'm actually a huge sucker for romance plots. Romance, fluff, smut, slice of life. Also omegaverse, hehehe. I'm also a huge historical romance nut (think Bridgerton, lol)!

I've sort of moved on from fandom muses and now focus more on OC's (I really only rp on Discord these days, and 9/10 times it's M/M. I do have a F/F historical romance plot that I adore rn tho). Strelly and Cindy are the first muses I've picked up in years, and started rping on Tumblr again. So sometimes I feel rusty playing an established character I didn't make myself. But I'm trying! 〒▽〒 Anyways, give me that romantic nasty shit!! And make it gay as hell!!

plot or memes — Both! I think it's fun to meme and get into a character's mind that you normally wouldn't get a chance to play out. Or just being silly gooses. But I'm also down for always plotting and making something deep and personal!

long or short replies — Either, or! It depends on the plot, the situation that's happening in the story, or what length my rp partner sends me. I'm pretty good about matching the length of a partner's. Unless I got nothing else to say, then it'll be on the shorter side. Like, if our characters are just chatting and there's no action involved, of course it's going to be short.

best time to write — In the mornings! I do rp replies in between slow periods at work. I work from home, so I can get away with it, lol. Which is why you'll see me online for a good part of the day. It's also when I have the most energy. I'm an early bird and I'm burnt out by the time the evening rolls around. Sometimes I can write in the evenings, but that's very rare. So I try to knock out as much as I can in the mornings.

I'm rarely RARELY available on the weekends. That's when I'm the busiest~

are you like your muse —

I'd say yes. Although I don't have a green thumb like Strelitzia. I can't keep plants alive for the life of me. I have a lot self doubts like her too, and I struggle to make friends since I'm incredibly shy and struggle to connect with others on a personal level. ಥuಥ Me and Strelly be fighting for our lives out here!

Cinderella though, I resonate with her a lot. I grew up in a household where I was the cleaner and cook, and I just... know exactly how she feels, LOL.

tagged by: No one! Stolen from Litoredeem. Tagging: Feel free to steal!

[kusundei]

NOOOO god forbid im being cringe . im being clingy again. im being reliant. i talk so much ab trust and communication but goodness. im so scared to do that. i was so communicative and trusting and reliant on jd that i grew to be too much for her. she couldnt handle me anymore and im so so scared i will drive him away on accident because ill end up being how i actually am. insecure. insecure and too much to handle. i was okay for a while taking care pf other people but i think it truly got to me after a while and i felt comfortable with jd enough to be vulnerable., and then she took it all away from me again and i put up my evil walls. im slowly trying to tear them down brick by brick but the smallest thing makes me so scared i go back into hiding and repair it again (god forbid webweaving.) imm justtt. god. hes literally me chat. he probaby thinks the same way i do nad if i told him this he’d lash me. (Not seriously. just. id be so concerned and the that he thinks id feel that way ab him.) Its just sooo. goddd. im sososoSCARED? he makes me feel so much more comfortable than jd ever did but at the same time it is so hard to shake that feeling ive grown so accustomed to. but its also like. killing me slowly.

GODDD jd yoy ruined me. genuinely. bella ruined me and so did brittany but you did it all the same. did everything yoy promised you’d never do to me. told you all ab the shit tehy did wholeheartedly believing you wouldnt do the same. goodness gracious immm. god. and even after it all i dont hate you and i dont hate anyone and i WISH I COULD. but i will always give you guys the benefit of the doubt. you just. prevent me from being me. because i WANT to be me. you made me anxious again. i just . want it to go away like it did before. what did you do jd that made me trust you so much? just for you to tear it all away and ruin me all the same??? was it the fact i was a kid?? i trusted you blindly and i was just hurting that i needed someone to rely on again?? because thats what bella did. thats what brittany did but i do not blame her for what she did to me. we ruined each other. but then again i also hurt you. i dont get ittt. why am i rambling ab this GOD god fucking forbid im feeling doomed slightly. i want to be everything for you ajax and i want to help you and be that bf i was with everyone else. sacrifice myself for you. but i . selfishly. want you to do the same. i want to rely on you. i want you to listen to me and communicate qith me. i want that trust back. the support i needed all those times but never got truly. is that too much? im just feelinf sooo. torn. for no reason. why am i so doomed rn chat what is happening.????

i wont think ab it anymore ill jsut doom myself further. wake up please. becahse i know when you do i’ll be able to get rid of this feelinf again and i can be silly sam and just be me when im not haunted by my evil, evil brain. i miss you goddd. i keep looking at pictures of you to give me a bit of a serotonin rush. makes me feel better. had to pull up some of ur vms to remind myselfof who you are and fjat im not insane . as much as im trying not to be i feel evil and clingy again. god forbid i justtt. i miss you so bad …..

feeling sleepy. a tad bit delirious. but i digress. the high from last night is still trudging behind me but the embarassment is starting to kick in a biiitt. perchance i feel like i did a little too much rn… heh…. its okay we’re fine im nust like. uhhh. maybe i SHOULD keep this on the dl………. i need to calm down im afraid he might lash me its only been. a few hours chat.

[zerozeroren]

Hi! Bunny heard you wanted OC questions? Bunny has OC questions!

Regarding Tony, you mentioned his family moved to Canada when he was a child, what was that like for him? Was he excited to go somewhere new or did he dread it? And after, was it like he expected or did it hit him and made him change his mind? Before Sophie, did he ever consider moving back to Italy? What was the thing he missed the most that first year in Canada? Is there something specific from Italy that he still misses, all these years after?

For Sophie, tell me about her siblings! How often do they talk to with her since she moved out? Texts, video or phone calls? Do they like Tony? What about favorite memories with Sophie and each of them individually instead of all three together?

About Nana, tell me more about her aspirations for the future! Impossible dreams and hard working expectations, and how they vary from what she thought as a child. And on the opposite side, back to the past, does she think her younger self would be happy or proud to meet her current self? What would she tell kid Nana?

Oh, yeah, before I forget, let's ask about Ella and Ume too! Let's see… Something holiday themed! What do they most enjoy doing during the holiday season?

Okay, those are enough questions. Hope you enjoy them! *bunny hugs* Love you! 🐰💛💛

Thank you for so many lovely questions ^^

Let's start from the beginning

1) Changing continents was incredibly hard for Tony. He was about 6 or 7 when it happened, and as it was happening, he wasn't able to fully grasp it, so when their family finally settled in the new place it hit him like a brick. He was no longer able to hug his Nonna or talk to his uncles, the people he knew from birth were so far away, and the new people around him were incredibly different in every aspect. His mom is Canadian so at least he is bilingual and didn't struggle with the language, but putting himself in this new culture was super difficult. As I've mentioned previously, Tony was already kind of focused on his immediate family instead of trying to find friendships elsewhere, so moving to a completely new country only exacerbated this tendency in him. He was basically hiding from life at home with his mom and dad. He was also devastated because his cat Vitello stayed in Italy. Tony couldn't fall asleep without cuddling a toy cat for about a year. As for moving back.. Yes, he indeed considered it, but only after finishing his higher education, and by the time he actually did he was already happy to be where he was, so he stayed.

2) Sophie always keeps in touch with Adam and Levi. They have a group chat for memes and bullshitting, and they facetime as often as they possibly can given their very busy schedules. They can just randomly call each other in the middle of the night if they so desire. They also have more dorkier ways of communicating. Like Sophie would print out their favourite meme and send it via physical mail just because why the hell not. Or call a pizza place, order her brothers a pizza and ask the pizza guys to write a silly message on the box. So yeah they're very much in touch.

Sophie's brothers tease her over Tony relentlessly. They wouldn't leave her alone about him whenever they're physically around. She gets flipping ROASTED (because she's so """tough""" and he is so """soft"""). But it's a stark contrast to what brothers were like when they were around Sophie's abusive ex. They were so afraid of her that they wouldn't even dare to speak. So.... Sophie does find being roasted quite endearing, given the circumstances.

Adam's favourite Sophie memory: the first time she brought him ice skating. Skating became his entire life, he would win awards and compete on multinational level, and the fact that it was his sister who encouraged him and made it seem so much fun never left him.

Levi's favourite Sophie memory: she took the blame for a broken lamp. Adam and Levi were playing chase when Levi dropped the lamp on the floor and shattered it, and when their father, furious, entered the room, Sophie confessed to dropping it instead of Levi (Levi already was on thin ice with the dad by that point and another misbehaviour would definitely be the last straw and end up really badly for Levi). Levi is forever grateful that his sister is ready to stick it out for him.

3) it's difficult with Nana and future, because by the time attitudes start she's rather disillusioned. When she was younger and more naive, she dreamt of joining the police to protect citizens and be a symbol of safety and justice. And then she actually joined the police force... Soon she burned out, hardened and developed quite a cynical outlook on life. During Attitudes, she constantly ponders whether the things she does are worth it, and what she'd rather do instead. She feels more lost than she'd like to admit.

Kid Nana would probably be in awe of current Nana because she is (on the surface) all that kid Nana ever wanted to be. Nana Old would tell her younger self that waiting is worth it. Hang in there, kid, things will change for the better.

4) Ume's not mine so I'm not answering that. But Ella is absolutely a Christmas junky. The kind who has their house fully decorated by November 2nd. She's all about that hot-cocoa-gift-wrapping-shopping-spree-carol-singing time of the year, she drips Christmas cheer and she dreams of living in a Hallmark Christmas movie. So... For at least 2 months of the year, she's incredibly annoying XD

[hrtiu]

I saw your post about wanting to write for rexsoka! I love your fics btw! I would like to request some fluff involving laughter and maybe teasing someone.

Thank you so much! Here’s what I got. It gets a little sad at the end, but hopefully it still counts?? Thank you for the prompt!

Rex knocked on the durasteel door frame, announcing his presence to the ladies chatting in the Ghost’s mess beyond.

“Ahem, Ahsoka? I could use your help with something.”

“Wait a second, you’re not going to steal her away for the rest of the day, are you?” Hera said from where she sat across from Ahsoka at the table. “She was my spymaster first.”

“It’ll be quick, I promise,” Rex said.

Ahsoka chuckled as she got to her feet, waving her hands in a placating manner. “Alright, alright. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of me to go around. I’ll be right back, Hera, and we can go over those bomber schematics you somehow managed to get your hands on.”

Hera eagerly agreed, waving goodbye before getting distracted by an irate Chopper beeping something about the hyperdrive and teenage boys.

“What is it?” Ahsoka asked as she walked by Rex’s side out into the dusty, organized chaos of Chopper Base. 

Rex scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment. “Well, there’s this broadcasting beacon, see? We use it to communicate with other cells off-planet, but its motivator was damaged in a recent dust storm. I wanted to replace it but it’s really high up and hard to get to, and I figured since you’re here…”

Ahsoka stopped walking, placing a hand on her hip as her eyebrow markings rose into her headdress. “You want me to throw you?”

Rex flushed, turning away from her and shaking his head. “Never mind, it’s a stupid idea.”

“No, no, it’s just not something I ever expected you to ask me to do.”

“Well, I never really liked it, but if you could control the throw and land me on the maintenance platform I wouldn’t have to risk my neck on that sorry piece of scrap we call an extension ladder.”

“I knew it. For as much as you complained about Anakin throwing you around, you liked it when we did that.”

Rex rounded on her, unable to resist defending himself in the face of such slander. “I did not! It was terrifying, unnecessary, and demeaning!”

“But you want me to do it again. Just admit it, Rex. You’ve been missing excitement in your life,” Ahsoka said, that smug look she’d perfected in her teens on her face.

Rex couldn’t help but laugh. Since they’d been reunited she’d seemed so changed—so solemn and galaxy-weary. It was good to see her back to her cocky, impertinent self, if only for the moment.

“I’ve been missing you, that’s for sure.”

Ahsoka laughed, a hand coming up to cover her mouth. Rex could have sworn that her lekku shifted to a darker shade of blue, but that had to be his imagination.

“Alright then, where’s this maintenance platform you were talking about?”

Rex led her to the long metal pole several stories tall upon which the broadcasting beacon perched, and she waited while he went to get his repair tools. By the time he came back their little stunt had gained a small audience, Ezra, Zeb, and several pilots gathering round to witness Rex’s embarrassment.

“Now you’ll know what it feels like to be tossed about!” Zeb said, apparently still smarting from his turn as joopa bait.

“Is this even a proper use of the Force?” Ezra asked. “Isn’t it sort of… disrespectful?”

Ahsoka held her head high as she glided over to Rex, her more mature demeanor back now that she was in front of others. “The Force is a tool that is best used to help people. Nothing is beneath the Force, so long as it’s for a good purpose.”

“Hmmm, I guess that makes sense.”

Rex cinched his tool belt around his waist, a little alarmed that he had to loosen a notch further than he used to, then stood at the ready. He bent his knees and braced himself, glowering at Ahsoka as she noticed his nerves and smirked again.

“Ready?” she asked.

“As I’ll ever be.”

Ahsoka raised her hand out to Rex, then jerked it upwards. He flew into the air much faster than he’d envisaged, though just as he feared he’d overshoot the maintenance platform his velocity slowed. He breathed a sigh of relief as, from far below, Ahsoka landed him gently onto the platform.

“All good?” she shouted up at him from the ground.

He leaned over the edge and waved down at her. “Yep! I’ll just be a minute!”

He got to work replacing the motivator, his fingers working quickly from many years of experience holding the rusting AT-TE he called home together. The hot sun beat down on him and he wiped his brow, though he could do nothing about the sweat trickling down his back. Eventually he finished his repairs, taking out his transponder to double-check that the beacon was working before leaning back over the edge and waving to get Ahsoka’s attention.

“All done up here!” he yelled. “Care to lend a hand?”

Ahsoka looked up at him, blessedly alone now that their audience had grown tired of waiting, and waved back. “Just jump down. I’ll catch you!”

Rex had known this was coming, but he still wasn’t looking forward to it. He may have only lived 27 years, but his body was well into his middle age. It wasn’t quite as forgiving to him of dangerous stunts and constant misuse. 

Ahsoka kept waving from down below and Rex dismissed his fears. Ahsoka knew him and she wouldn’t let any harm come to him, even anything as minor as a twisted ankle or a sore knee. He gritted his teeth and took a leap of faith off the platform.

Air rushed past his ears and his beard flattened against his chin, but soon enough his fall slowed. By the time he reached the ground he was floating gently, his feet barely registering when they met solid ground in front of a grinning Ahsoka.

“Enjoy the ride?” she asked.

Rex laughed. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I guess.”

“See? You can trust me, Rexter.”

Rex’s grin grew at the old nickname. He’d never really liked it, truth be told. What young man with aspirations for martial greatness wanted such a silly nickname? But after not hearing for so long, and coming from the friend he’d thought long lost? He’d take it any day.

“I knew I could trust you, I just wasn’t looking forward to getting thrown around like a rag doll in front of my colleagues. I’m trying to look good in front of them, you know?” he said with a laugh.

Ahsoka started walking back to the Ghost, no doubt to resume her conversation with Hera. She looked back over her shoulder as she walked, her burgundy lips quirked upwards in a devious smile. “I don’t know, I like a man I can toss around.”

She turned her head back around and sauntered off, and Rex’s jaw dropped.

She couldn’t… she couldn’t have meant… Was she flirting with me?

He stared after her retreating form—he could swear her hips were swaying—his brain uncomprehending. They’d known each other for so long, and there was nobody he trusted like Ahsoka. And she was obviously beautiful, and funny, and kind. Was it possible…?

Rex looked down at his hands, the wrinkles and sunspots seeming deeper and darker than normal, the callouses thick and the scars numerous. No, she was just teasing. She was young and vibrant and had her whole life ahead of her, it wouldn’t make sense for her to waste it with an old soldier like Rex. Not to mention he didn’t even know what her stance on the Jedi’s rules was anymore. Any kind of romance might not be an option for her, which was probably why she was so comfortable making silly jokes. No chance they could be misconstrued. Right?

Rex made his way back to his quarters in a daze, his surroundings registering as hyper-realistic even as he barely noticed them. It really didn’t make any difference, since he and Ahsoka would continue as friends just as they’d always been, but now Rex’s interactions with her would be colored by this new knowledge. The knowledge that, if there ever was anyone for Rex, it would be her.

[nessarolla-in-constant-flux]

Alright these are my thoughts on @dreammirmir post on the Yato situation.

🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛

°The aging up characters stuff.

You may disagree with me which is fine but I don't see it as a problem. They are 2d fictional characters with no self awareness what so ever. I am able to separate fiction from reality as I am not attracted to teenagers who are actual human beings who can be hurt and taken advantage of.

On this stance I've held it for a long time.

Not to mention My Hero Academia is a Flash Back from Izuku's perspective as they are all adults now, as well as for Haikyuu characters where they actually get to be in their 20s and in college in canon. Cece in her audios never mentions Highschool and always mentions how they are Pro Heros (for my hero) and in College (for Haikyuu) and I know this because I have been a listener since almost the beginning.

I find it silly that people harp on stuff like this with Cece, when fanfiction is a thing. On this I will not change.

I myself am almost reaching 30 and I am still in love with characters from my teens. Does that make me wrong? Does that make me disgusting? I don't think so. I will continue to age and they will stay forever the same which is why I feel the way I do about this. It doesn't matter because they're 2d. A piece of media and nothing more.

°On Cece disapearing.

Try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment. You're a tiny youtuber in a niche market for a year and then suddenly BOOM you explode in popularity over the course of 2020! Your Patreon is taking off, people are looking up to you, your in charge of a whole community, the moneys coming in, things are nuts! On top of that you have people taking advantage of you, fucking up the discord, making drama here and there and people who come over just to hate on you for what you do and all of this happens in one year. I would want to dissappear for a bit to and get my thoughts together. Not to mention her own mental health, her own depression. Thats a lot for one person to take on. Just because she's an adult doesn't mean she's immune to hate.

°Now the a.k.a. grooming and victim

Those discord chats don't look like grooming. They look like two people, that if you didn't know they're ages, would just be shooting the shit.

Now I might be wrong to some people but I am also of the mind that if the person thinks something is shady they should have known better. I'm not victim blaming, I'm just saying it's common sense. And sure every teen is different but I would like to give the benefit of the doubt that they are smarter than I was at their age.

To me these allegations look like a twisting of the narrative presented.

Again just my thoughts.

°And lastly her content

As long as I've been listening Cece's gone out of her way to educate herself when something she does or says on her audios triggers her listeners. She's never malicious with her content and goes out of her way to post trigger warnings in her descriptions. Now if people ignore those it's on them. They can't order a jalapeno pizza and then complain that it's too spicy.

On top of that she made the patreon to keep her spiciest audios behind a pay wall as well as age restrict her content against minors. She can't police the entire community and putting that sort of responsibility on one person is ridiculous.

If under age people are getting to her things it's on them not Cece.

Yes they should be careful on what they watch and listen too because they be too young but you can't hold that over someone like it's they're fault when they've done what they can.

Is it South Parks fault that I watched them at 12? Nope. Maybe my parents but certainly not South Park on their end.

°Random thought

I personally didn't find anything wrong with the Fatgum audio and I'm not saying this because I'm biased. If it made you personally uncomfortable than I'm sorry it did.

I don't know how old you are but we don't know anything at 20 let alone 30. People can make mistakes and she apologized for them. Her changing her name and discreetly apologizing to the "victim" is her business and as much as we want to know about it thats not up to us. They're allowed privacy on both ends and anyone trying to dox either of them is an asshole.

💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡

I may have missed a couple of things here and there but over all these are my thoughts on everything I have the brainpower to think of right now. Call me naive, call me blind but I believe in Cece. I'm not trying to change anyones mind because sometimes people's minds are made up and that's fine. I just want people to see the different perspectives is all.

Thank you for reading. Stay safe, love you lots and hope everyone has a nice day.

Also feel free to message me about anything anytime.🧡💛

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.