#I mean. sort of??? it's talking about dietary restrictions like food allergies and my sister being vegan

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all! Weird question time again! Do you have any advice for the best way to give a family member a list of my allergies for reference? My mom recently(ish) moved closer to where I live, so I see her more often, but we hadn't really spent much time together since I figured out what I'm allergic to. She doesn't have the best memory, and spent years accommodating my sister's dietary restrictions, so sometimes she gets them confused? The issue is my sister and I have very different food requirements (most notably my sister eats a lot of coconut and I am very allergic) Would a laminated card work best? An email? I am totally fine making her a reference sheet, I do not expect other people to remember my allergies off the top of their head, but idk what format would be best. If you needed a reference sheet for someone's allergies, how would you prefer to get that reference sheet? Edit: thanks everyone for the replies so far! I did ask my mom what would work best for her and she does not know. She's never had any kind of reference for my sister's dietary requirements, and the only other extended family members we have with food allergies have like one single allergy that is very easy to remember (wheat for one, cucumber for the other)

[askanaroace]

Can I get some clarification about "aplatonic"? I've read your tag on it but am still confused. Do aplatonic people still need social interaction? Do they need emotional bonds in some form to be happy? I thought these were universal needs but aplatonic people seem to prove this false. I might have some self esteem issues because I feel sort of guilty about needing that sense of connection to be happy if it's something people can not need, if that makes sense? I hope this wasn't irritating

If I found questions irritating, I’d’ve chosen the wrong type of blog to start!

I’m going to answer your questions because I know most people are likely baffled by aplatonicism. I know because I could not wrap my head around what it must be like before I myself was aplatonic.

However, I’m going to address something else first, because you don’t seem to really be asking these clarifications out of a genuine sense of curiosity and desire to get to understand aplatonic better in order to support your aplatonic family (hi!).

Something does not need to be a universal need, desire, or want in order for it to be a valid need, desire, or want that you have.

It doesn’t matter how I or any other aplatonic person feels in regards to if something you feel or want is valid. We do not control that. We do not hold some omnipresent power to validate or invalidate you.

Gay folk are valid even though some folk are straight. Bisexual folk are valid even though some folk are gay or straight. Trans folk are valid even though some folk are cis. Cultural-specific third genders are valid even though those genders don’t exist in other cultures.

Your desire for connection and bond and relationships is valid regardless of people who are aplatonic and nonamorous, whatever their own personal feelings about relationships.

This feeling of guilt you have over needing and wanting connection and bonds with others is absolutely an issue you should address in yourself. It is not healthy to beat yourself up over your own needs and wants. It is not harmful to want or to have relationships. Therefore feeling guilty over it absolutely has basis in something unhealthy in yourself that is hurting you. Please find a way to address and work on this in yourself. If you’re in a place where you can, this is exactly something you can work on addressing with a therapist or counselor. If not, try an app like Pacifica that can help you learn CBT techniques to keep mindful and treat yourself well. 

It is healthy to prioritize your needs and wants. People are diverse and complex. We do not all need the same things as one another, nor do we have to need the same things.

I need an inhaler to live thanks to my asthma and allergies. If you have properly working airways (or an issue which inhalers won’t help), you don’t need to take an inhaler just so I can be valid for taking care of my own life.

My sister is involved with a community of vegan folk because otherwise she feels very lonely and isolated being the only vegan she knows. I do not need to become vegan or join that community in order for a) her choice to be vegan to be valid, or b) her desire to engage specifically with other vegans to be valid. It is also valid that my sister feels lonely in her dietary choice even though I’ve never mocked her choice and always make sure there’s food for her at my place or any place we may meet up because it’s true that as someone with a far less restricted diet, I don’t understand the daily struggle to check every piece of food around to see if it can be consumed or not.

My friend deeply wants a child and is working hard with her husband to have one, including going through their options, as due to her health, pregnancy may be out of the question. I do not want to raise children at all. I do not need to want to have children for my friend’s desire to be valid.

People need and want different things all the time. There is nothing inherently wrong about this. When it’s wrong is when it’s hurting someone, and right now the only one being hurt is you for not allowing yourself to have feelings and desires. Of course we all want and even need validation at times, even when the choice is ours alone to make. But you shouldn’t need validation that 100% of people feel exactly the same way as you to allow yourself to feel a way.

Your guilt is unnecessary, and it breaks my heart that your brain would trick you into treating yourself like this.

You want connection and relationships? That’s valid. You’re valid. Go forth and foster connection and relationships. And don’t forget to work on learning to let go of that unnecessary and harmful guilt that you’re harboring. You deserve better than that.

Now, to try and briefly answer the questions you asked (because I don’t want to take away too much from the above):

Do aplatonic people still need social interaction? Do they need emotional bonds in some form to be happy?

Depends on the person.

First off, unless you’re a hermit (and even then, it’s not guaranteed you’ll never run into anybody), it’s nigh impossible to go without any social interaction whatsoever. There’s a lot of ways to get social interaction without having close friendships: shopping and interacting with a salesperson or cashier, smalltalk with people in an elevator you’re riding in, familial relationships, talking or even going out with coworkers, interacting with customers if that’s a part of your job, playing games online with folk, participating in forums and blogs, volunteering and helping people out, catching up with an acquaintance, going to classes to learn a new skill/forming a study group, joining a gym with group classes, etc. 

Emotional bonds can also be formed in a variety of ways. You can have a bond with your pets. An aplatonic person may also have a variety of other bonds. Familial bonds. Sexual bonds. Queerplatonic bonds.

Aplatonic means a lack of desire/difficulty forming platonic relationships. That’s it.

Some aplatonic folk may really struggle for form platonic relationships/bonds but may desperately want to. Some aplatonic folk may not really have friends but when they start getting to know someone well, that person goes from acquaintance straight to family. Some aplatonic people are not nonamorous/nonpartnered and may desire or have a queerplatonic partner.

For me, I’m pretty exhausted by the whole state of things. Yet, I have bimonthly dinners with my sister because I love her and it’s ridiculous that we live in the same city and almost never see each other otherwise. I started the dinners to improve the relationship I felt we had, since I think she feels like we can’t do anything together. Yet, I have a good relationship with my coworker. I work in an office with just him (our bosses are in another state), so a good relationship with him keeps things running smoothly and comfortably. Yet, I go out with my coworker and his wife (who is actually my friend from HS) because a) I had a close friendship with her before I became aplatonic and I still care deeply for her, b) it helps get me out of the house and I do usually have fun, and c) I know they appreciate it and I like making people happy. Yet, I still go to muay thai two times a week and chat with my instructor and laugh and talk with people I spar with because that’s a part of going to a group class, and I genuinely enjoy the atmosphere of the class and the attitude of the people that attend.

I don’t really have anybody in my life that I trust to tell or want to tell some of the deeper, more personal things about me, especially the bad stuff I’ve been through and being currently without healthcare, I can’t talk through these things with a therapist. Sometimes I do get lonely and hate that I’m this way. It’s scary that if something happened to me, I wouldn’t know who to call for help. Sometimes I just want to share, but I don’t feel I have anyone that I can do that with, and I don’t have the energy to put time forth fostering a relationship in which I could. And on the whole, I prefer to be independent, even though it makes some things harder.

We’re all human. We all have struggles. We all have our weaknesses. Some people may be happier and more confident being aplatonic than others are. As is the way of people of all groups. We don’t invalidate each other because we feel differently about our label any more than we invalidate you for not having the same label as us.

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