#I mean this in the least self pitying way possible. I'm not sad about it but I recognize that this is how my social interactions go

[txmxkis]

i'm only really me when i'm here with you

pairing. boothill x gn!reader

genre. hurt/comfort

wc. 1.5k+

summary. you're determined to help boothill heal from his trauma by... doing his hair?

warnings. i took liberties with this, who knows what specific parts he actually has left or whether he can blush or not (in my heart he can lol), mention of boothill picking u up but i mean. he’s literally so strong he could handle anything, i made him soooo sad and it’s possibly wildly out of character, selfship coded as usual rip

a/n. continuing the tradition of using lyrics from songs on selfship playlists for fic titles lol. based on my tags on this post

they say that trauma is stored in the body, and while boothill didn't necessarily have a complete body anymore, this was still something that you thought about frequently when it came to his physical form.

regardless of just how much of his original self remained, there was still enough of him left that you were sure it had to be true in some capacity. after all, he retained his head and his heart—at least you were fairly certain—two of the most vital components of human anatomy.

it was so hard to read him. the real him. he tried so hard to always act confident and cool. actually, he didn't even really have to try or act. it seemed as if it came to him naturally and endlessly. there was a perpetual air of optimism surrounding him that was difficult to dim even on his most wearisome days.

even after experiencing whatever horrors he had to face from mission to mission, when he came home, the door to whatever room you were currently in would fling open—sometimes scaring you half to death—and he would greet you so happily that it felt as if there were no terrible things in the universe whatsoever.

you cherished his mannerisms, especially because you could be a pessimistic sort of person. rather frequently, in fact. you loved having him near you, able to draw laughter from you, however unwillingly it might be on your part at times. he was oddly skilled at making you feel assured and comfortable, in a way that nothing and no one had ever done before. you couldn’t seem to remember how you ever lived without his encouragement, and you didn’t think you could ever feel truly whole without it again.

there really was no accounting for his relentlessly positive attitude. given what he'd seen and endured, you thought it was damn near impossible to be as carefree as he seemed to be. at any rate, he did manage it. however, there were times, moments he rarely ever allowed you to witness, in which his façade would falter slightly and betray just how heavily the past weighed on him.

occasionally, you would catch him staring at his reflection, a downcast expression painting his beautiful features. every time you spoke of your family, you could detect glimpses of sadness in his eyes, albeit hidden behind a smile. once you even caught him crying as silently as he could—you assumed so as not to alert you—his shoulders sagging under an unforeseen weight, a look on his face that you could only describe as heartbroken. your own heart broke with his in that moment.

you always tried to be particularly attentive following those moments, but it was so difficult to get him to open up to you. he just wanted you to be happy. to not bother worrying about him. you had your own problems, after all, and there was no need for him to add to your burden. no need for him to ask for your pity.

he knew you cared for him deeply enough that it would cause you pain, and even if it was only a fragment of the grief that he lived with every day, he was sure that he would feel terribly and incessantly guilty about it. if he could remove every single aspect of your life that caused you suffering, he would do it in a heartbeat, and he could say that because it was one of the few original parts he had left. how could he add to that suffering by forcing you to imagine all the horrors from his own life?

it took so much time and effort on your part to convince him to open the door to himself, if even just a tiny crack. he was still extremely careful with his words and the details that he disclosed to you—he didn't want to overwhelm you, and he certainly didn't want to hurt you. in reality, these conversations, painful as they were for you to hear, actually helped you to feel as though you could comfort him more effectively.

yes, it hurt immensely to know even a small fraction of how much anguish he had experienced. yes, you despised the people who had done this to him and wanted to fight them yourself, in fact. yes, your chest felt tight with ache and sadness on his behalf. still, you could help him more by knowing than by not knowing.

eventually, you were able to make it this far, brushing through his hair as gently as your hands could manage. he had confessed to you in one of his more vulnerable moments that the white shock of hair on his head often served as a stark reminder of worse times, of the trauma and stress inflicted on his body. the admission gave you an idea, one that made boothill feel more than just a little bit exposed. he wasn’t accustomed to being looked after like this, with so much affection and love.

you began to make a routine out of it. every day you would do something with his hair—whether it was braiding it and tying it up intricately to make him feel pretty or simply combing through the strands and allowing them to cascade around his shoulders and down his back.

sometimes you would sit him in front of a mirror while you worked so that he could see exactly what you were doing in the moment. he didn’t quite understand how it all came together, but he found it fascinating to see how you twisted and weaved. at times, you were so focused on the hair in your hands that your brows would furrow, tongue poking out slightly between your lips. in the reflection, you genuinely looked like you were enjoying yourself.

even more noticeable to him was the expression you wore when you looked at him through the mirror. your gaze was so full of tenderness that his chest ached. he could swear that his heart actually skipped a beat. whenever that happened, you could see a flaring blush creep up his cheeks and into his ears, and you couldn’t help but laugh just a little bit at how endearing it was.

other times, you would settle on the couch, with him seated on the floor between your legs, adorning his hair with the cutest accessories, the two of you laughing and joking the whole time. you would delicately twist the locks back, securing them with pretty, multicolored clips that shone in the light.

when you were done, you would lead him slowly to a mirror, hands over his eyes, nearly stumbling over his legs as you walked behind him. you would pull your hands quickly from his face, revealing your handiwork, beaming with pride and grinning at how adorable he looked. he loved every minute of it—and every bit of you, he would think to himself as he turned to pick you up and spin you around, laughing in that deep voice of his. then he’d set you down gently, thanking you for your hard work with kisses sprinkled across your face.

days that were particularly trying for him would simply be spent in comfortable silence. when he didn’t feel like talking from the pain of it all, he would wordlessly lay his head on your chest as you ran your fingers through his long locks. feeling your touch—the slight pull on his scalp, the tickle of shifting hair—it all made him feel so relaxed that he could melt right into your skin until you absorbed him fully into you. often, the combination of this and the gentle, steady beat of your heart would lull him to sleep, and seeing his expression ease and soften in these moments was all the reward you ever needed.

in the beginning, it was unclear whether this dedicated time spent caring for his hair was helping or not. over time, however, you noticed a glimmer in his eyes—something that told you he would be alright, despite everything.

pain still remained; it always would, but instead of constantly gazing at his reflection with grief, every once in a while you would catch a hint of a smile pulling at his lips. it was as if he was remembering how you hummed while placing those clips, or how he had teasingly whipped you with his hair on a more playful occasion, or any number of positive memories that you had put so much effort into lovingly crafting with him.

you were determined to do your best, slowly but surely, to lighten his burden—or at least help carry it. there was no reason for him to feel alone when he had you by his side. and if creating these happy memories was what you had to do in order to help him, well, you would gladly continue forever.

reblogs & interactions are appreciated! thank you for reading! <3 — txmxkis

[neverendingford]

.

I burn your skin

bright light

intense

"high energy"

toxic

I am your sunbeam

your painful sunbeam

you are a flower

I am the desert sun

my only company the desert thorns,

life turned hostile to survive my environment.

where is my switch

to turn off the ultraviolet.

there is no sunscreen

you benefit from my heat

but from a safe distance

a lonely sun does not know how to make dusk

dawn comes too slowly

how can I hold in all this heat?

.

[thestarfishinjootsoffice]

Hello, so I know requests are closed, but I was wondering if you could do this once they're open again? Could you do a slashers with a so that suffers from an eating disorder? And they walk in and catch the reader purposely dousing their food in dish soap or something so it's inedible?

I don't know much about Ed so if I make any mistakes feel free to correct me. if something mean is said here please remember I'm writing this from the possible pov of the slashers . Also anon I really hope you're not suffering from an eating disorder and this just a request you had in your mind<333

Tw: eating disorder! Michael and bo being Michael and bo.

Slashers x reader w/ eating disorder.

Michael 🔪

Doesn't really have experience with it, he doesn't eat that much too. But will be concerned if he sees you drowning your food in dish soap.

If you tell him your reasoning, and his response? 'just stop looking at it then lol'.

Michael's insensitive and brutal, he'll just (internally) blurt out whatever he deems more logical. Even if you try to explain that's not how it works.

He's gonna lock and or put away food so you don't try to make it inedible again. (yes he cares about the food and also you.)

But he won't starve you. He wouldn't want his S/O to malnourished and become weak. (not in a pity way.) He'd try his best to make you eat at least a little bit of something.

Sinclair brothers 🕯

Bo is just really... Himself. He yanks your hand away when he sees you dose your food with inedible substance. and yells at you "what are you doing!?" you two are going to have a serious talk after that. Just really worried and angry Bo and lecturing. Knows he's not the best for these kinda situations but the most he can do is comfort you and distract you from this nightmarish hell of a disorder. He can't understand that well but tries to just for you.

Vincent is curious, are you going to eat that?? He doesn't know what to do. He quickly walks up to you and snatches the plate away from you and places it somewhere and makes a noise which sounds similar to why. After discussing your purpose to him he just hugs you tightly and brings you to his room just to chill out for a bit. He's very awkward and doesn't know how to help but he's always a good listener and follower.

Lester thought you lost it, what were you doing?? He stands over you and just says "are you going to eat that...." in the smallest and concerned voice you've ever heard him talk in. He has a sad look on his face hearing about your disorder. "I'm very glad you told me this, but please don't put bleach on your food next time." these next few days he's gonna try to raise up your self esteem and good eating schedule with all he can, even though it knows its better said than done. anything to help at least just a bit.

I'm so sorry this was so short, I can't have an idea with something I don't have experience with 💔

[otomes-and-tears]

♦ Peach Blossoms ♦

► tags/warnings: Soulmate!AU, Shiloh x MC

► summary: Shiloh doesn't have a soulmate, but JB does.

► words: 889

► a/n: Hi! I know it has been ages since I've last posted, but the last few months have been very chaotic and I haven't really been able to finish anything. I didn't want to abandon this blog. I still love writing and fulfilling requests, even if I wasn't able to make time for it. Now I'm trying to get back to it, and I decided to start by finishing an incredibly self-indulgent fic I've had on the back burner for months!

► Masterlist

Shiloh always had a feeling he’d never have a mark.

It’s difficult to explain how and why, but it’s something that has been a part of him for as long as he can remember. 

He never formed attachments as other people did. He’d make friends out of convenience, he’d obey the orders of the strongest and swiftly make his exit once they didn’t serve his purposes anymore. It was quick and painless, no affection involved. He didn’t really miss any of the people he left behind (aside from a lingering fondness for a childhood friend he hadn’t seen in too long) and didn’t think of them at all after they were gone.

And there was that terrible, sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that whispered that there was no one waiting for him, no one mandated by the universe to love him.

It was comforting, even if it wasn’t nice.

No soulmate meant that he was free to do as he pleased, one less person to keep around long after they passed their usefulness, no one he’d have to explain himself to and no one to force him to change. it’s not like Shiloh doesn’t know the way that he does things is unusual, but it’s not like people don’t know they’re being used. They just like being flattered.

So the morning after his sixteenth birthday, when no new mark showed up on his wrist, he wasn’t upset or surprised.

It was just a confirmation of something he already knew.

He was different, and he was free to do as he wished.

So he pulled on his jacket, making sure that his wrists were properly hidden underneath his sleeves. At the very least, it would buy him enough time until he could figure out an excuse.

The weeks following weren’t too difficult. 

People knew him well enough to know that he’d go along with whatever excuse they conjured up as to why he was so keen on hiding his wrist— his mark was scarred up because his soulmate was dead (he made sure to look very sad whenever that was brought up), his mark matched a celebrity (he effortlessly pretended to be flustered by it) or it was someone that he knew, but that didn’t share his match.

Only a few people bought the excuse that Shiloh wanted his soulmate to be the first person who’d see his mark. That made him seem like a romantic, and more people seeing him in a good light was a fine enough trade for all the jokes made about him being a slut.

There was always the pity too, of the possibility that bubbly, optimistic Shiloh was unlucky enough to be one of the unmarked.

The sad, few people that the universe didn’t care enough to think about.

Pity was generally an easy emotion to exploit, but it didn’t mean that deep down it didn’t annoy him to no end that people saw it this way, even if it was the truth.

Well, the truth never really mattered to him anyway.

JB was different.

There was something about how she carried herself, in her relentless confidence, her impulsiveness and her quick-witted responses to everything the jerks in their after-school group threw at her.

Her bubbliness, her pleased smile whenever he flirted back, the way her skin felt so soft and warm when he found an excuse to touch her. How easy JB was to understand and how quickly he was able to become someone she wanted to keep around, just as long as he kept showering her with compliments and acquiescing to her demands. 

Shiloh was perceptive. Of course, he knew about the pink flowers on her wrist. His eyes zeroed in on it when she reached out to grab something or would roll up her sleeves in order to not dirty her uniform. 

Peach blossoms. She had explained to him.

It means luck in love, beauty. All the things JB was sure she had.

There was absolutely no doubt in her mind that her soulmate would be absolutely perfect, that they would be the ultimate power couple and rule the world together if they so wished.

But before she found them, she wanted to see other people. JB wanted to have as much fun as possible before settling into the relationship she was meant to be in. I don’t want to live the rest of my life regretting not living to the fullest while I could, she told him, fingers brushing against her soulmark carefully, eyes filled with fondness for someone she didn’t yet know.

And Shiloh believed her. There was no way he couldn’t when she was so certain, so self-assured. 

But he wanted her.

He felt drawn to her like he had never felt drawn to anyone else, nearing the point of obsession.

It didn’t really matter if she belonged to someone else.

He would make sure it wouldn’t be a problem.

If he didn’t have a soulmate, there was nothing that stopped him from being with whomever he pleased. The universe didn’t care enough to give him a connection, so he’d fabricate one of his own.

All for her. For them.

Monday morning, when he got to school, he had delicate peach blossoms perfectly drawn into the skin of his wrist, hidden away by his long sleeves.

[akiumzeno]

A giant rant/critique about redeemable Villain LIs in otomes/dating VNs

Before I get into the rant, let me say a few disclaimers/notes. Tropes are tools. Just because a dating game or VN has a redeemable villain LI doesn't automatically mean it makes it bad. It does not and I will argue against that if you think that's the case (likewise if you think a game having a redeemable Villain LI automatically makes it good). There have been cases of certain tropes that work well in a certain story because of the execution and how it goes. Tropes very much rely on how you use them which impacts the story. This is just discussing times when it has been used badly and turns a VN that could've been great or memorable into something that's just okay.

With that out of the way, let's get onto the rant.

For those who don't know me, I play Genius Inc otome games. Their games aren't really consistent in quality, some are better or worse because they hire different writers for different stories. So for context, a lot of my criticism is aimed at them but can still apply to other VNs and otomes as well.

(Also, I know there are the female LI games from Genius Inc, I know they exist, never played them so idk if they follow this rule and it's only the men-likers that follow this.)

I was just reading Amon's side story from Lullaby of Demonia and it really just reminded me of why I have a love-hate relationship with Genius Inc and their games. They have a crippling amount of villain LIs that don't tend to be written well which can boil down to 2 main problems.

They make the MCs stupidly empathic for no reason.

Empathy can be a strength of one's character sometimes. A big example I can name is Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket and I find her to be actually good. But man, I find myself just shouting at the screen for the MC endangering themselves by trying to touch the villain LI's heart when their instincts should be to run or fight back. A lot of the poor examples of a villain LI romance have the MC just risk their own safety and ignore any sense of self-preservation for no reason other than the possibility of trying to redeem the villain LI and even more infuriating if the villain LI is a genocidal maniac and/or desperately wishes the MC to suffer or die.

I get that there's the ideal of "there's good in everyone" but sometimes, you need to draw the line or get me to care about why they care. Suppose you have this villain LI who has killed thousands of people and committed war crimes but has emotional trauma. In that case, I'm more likely to pity them but still hold them accountable for their actions because a sad story doesn't justify doing bad things. I don't support the MC trying to redeem them of all the horrible shit they did because as far as I'm concerned, they're a complete monster.

And a lot of the time with these monstrous types of villain LIs, the MC has no reason to care to redeem villain LIs, they just simply do because of their wildly empathetic heart and don't care what they have done to others or themselves which seems less empathetic and more childishly naive. If these VNs just gave the MC a reason to care for the villain LI strongly and want them to be a better person aside from them just being hot and let me see why they want to, I could still at least understand them. But they just don't. A lot of the time, these villain LIs are strangers and I just can't see why they'd get so worked up over them, especially since there tend to be other guys they can get but choose this one for no apparent reason.

Like imagine a scenario where there's a villain LI who has done horrible stuff and the MC wants them to be redeemed and be a good person. But the twist is they used to be friends or something more, hell maybe the MC even played a part in the reason why the villain LI is the way they are. The MC desperately wants them to be the person they used to know and wishes to share those moments of joy and fun again and keeps endangering themselves for that small hope they can touch their old friend's heart again and regain the person they loved.

Or perhaps the MC was in the exact same shoes as the villain LI and they used to be a villain as well. They laid waste to many villages and cities, killing dozens because of their own trauma/grief/backstory reasons. But there was someone who decided to lend out a hand to them and try to heal them and convince them that they could be a better person. And it succeeded. They let go of their villainy and atone for their mistakes, fixing up the villages they destroyed, providing support for the loved ones of those they killed, etc. Years later, they're now the hero of the story and are finally confronted with a villain who also has been burnt and is lashing against the world for it. And all they can see is themselves. So they try to use kind words and thoughtful gestures to help guide them onto the path they are now on and show them the light in an attempt to give them the chance they had, even as others discourage them and say they should just imprison or kill the villain.

Now I might not exactly agree with their actions in each scenario but I would understand them and that's all I need. "If your protagonist wants something no one else cares about, you gotta give us some emotional explanation as to why, otherwise, it just seems random." - There Will Be Fudd

2. The villain has a weak reason to be sympathetic.

Too many times, I've seen villains have such a weak reason for them to be considered redeemable or in other words, their actions far outweigh their reasons.

A prime example I can name is Sakuya from Soul of Yokai. While in the first season, it had always been implied he had a sad story behind him. However, a beauty about the implications and small pieces that told you he had a sympathetic backstory behind him without getting into the nitty gritty details was that the audience could fill in the blank. The audience could see he was a genocidal maniac who wishes all humans would die (for context, he's not a human), see small bits of pieces of "One day, Sakuya suddenly changed from being a loving person to a ruthless murderer," "This gift [an injured eye] was from a human, just like you," "You're not fooling anyone with that nice human act," and "You sound like her... before..." and immediately understand that a human girl met him (without anyone else knowing), he fell in love with her before she betrayed him and the act was so vile that he decided the rest of humanity should burn down alongside with her. That's all we needed to know and knowing exactly what happened would only just cheapen the entire thing because the audience could imagine for themselves what was so horrible that it completely changed Sakuya and he wouldn't dare speak about it because it was that horrific. Then we get to Season 2 just to discover that what happened was that the girl in question just cheated on him and suddenly what turned from a beautiful and alluring mystery to suddenly wondering why Sakuya simply just hated only the girl or just abandoned his love for humans without killing them. Sure, a lot of people cheat on their lovers but that's not an action that deserves death.

While this is a very specific case, my point is that because of Sakuya's actions of attempting genocide, simply not telling what happened to him was more effective than knowing he got cheated on because of the "Noodle Incident"-esque nature of Sakuya's backstory simply revealed that a horrific event happened to Sakuya which left him traumatised in which humans were the cause of the event which made him become a genocidal murderer. With actions as severe as his, you're expecting an equally severe incident that would justify or explain what he's doing. And in a case where your villain (LI) is committing literal war crimes, it's possible you can't even come up with a reason that explains what he's doing and you're better off just leaving hints at a sad story without fully knowing what that sad story is. Even if Sakuya's backstory ended up being something stronger, it wouldn't have worked as much because it's likely that whatever the writer made wasn't going to be as horrific as the audience imagined.

And to bring it to a more general level, a villain LI needs a reason that is equal to their villainy to convince you that they're redeemable. If your supposed redeemable villain has done evil but nothing horrific, then they can get a milder sympathetic story to equal to what they have done because it's equal although you can do something more extreme and it wouldn't bring down their redeemability. Have a more monstrous villain LI, you'll need a stronger reason for why they are the way they are or doing a Sakuya and keeping the backstory vague, depending on which angle works best for your story.

If your villain has an insufficient reason for being sympathetic, I find that worse than them just being evil for no reason because I can at least get behind that. Attempting to make them sympathetic just makes me roll my eyes that you're trying to make them feel for them rather than committing to them just being evil. And trying to make them sympathetic solely to date them just makes it feel forced and unnatural which is one of the types of writing you should never strive for.

[silver-wield]

In all my experience in this fandom, I never really cared about what c//erifs think. But I am more disappointed sometimes at the conclusions some "clotis" have.

There is a sense of superiority when you follow canon, and feel the need to wave a hand and entertain what c//erifs think. "both girls" faction is in this too. Concepts such as "star crossed lovers" "fleeting love" etc, to a forced pair that obviously looks so platonic, one sided, and sibling coded is crazy. It is also weird to want another person be meddling between the pair for "helping them out". Clotis who try their best to be "good" is ironically being unjust to the characters they so called love. Where does your loyalty lie? We criticize tifa for not having boundaries but let ourselves imagine she needs this treatment to "improve"? Even if it means hurting her in the long run and expect she'll handle it because we take her maturity and strength for granted? No wonder people think she's pitiful if her fans are like this. What's with aerith that you believe in so much more than the one who's been holding everything in like tifa? We deliberately celebrated aerith OG self got "lost" but the deal is Square is getting you caught up on their trap/ manipulation. They're using aerti to get you to have to adjust to the problematic aspects of aerith's character. At least in OG, the friendship is more obviously one sided. But in remake, they tried to make it "genuine". They want you the audience to cry later because they can't rely on the gimmick they did in the past. And by emphasizing tifa being her friend and her crying later, we tifa fans are called upon to see aerith in a halo effect due to this and her death. If she ends up being a "wingman" that makes others sympathize the idea of "she was there sacrificing her feelings for her friend to help them out and now she died, it's thanks to her this became possible, thank her clotis don't be assholes after all what would tifa do? People make mistakes, let us forgive them, I'm sure they had good intentions" completely ignoring that cloti would still work without interference just like in OG.

Square wants to have their cake (flirt with soldier cloud despite tifa's pain and cloud's discomfort) and eat it too (the party will be sad later and completely ignore her actions).

Tbh, I'd rather she act like a snake like in OG than this if they're going to be half hearted at being a friend just to manipulate the fans to feel shame instead of criticizing her direction.

such a dooms day post even though the game hasn't come out yet. Sigh.

Couldn't put it better myself, only I ain't buying their bullshit and refuse to let that two faced behaviour slide because "oh no she ded *cries*"

And thankfully a lotta clotis feel the same way, as well as the so called neutrals because we all have this lil thing called morals and refuse to tolerate rancid behaviour for any reason.

If Aerith's a real friend then she should act like one instead of a back stabbing hypocritical two faced bitch.

Marle had it nailed when she said Tifa needs a real friend. Specifically a female friend who doesn't try and fuck her bf the moment her back is turned.

[piccola-sola-e-triste]

you open up your phone and look for a picture to show them. You look and look but you can't seem to find any pictures of your friend's face. You tell them your plan and they say they've never taken a picture because it would defeat the whole purpose of hiding in plain sight when they're hiding. You remind them that they could just shapeshift into another face, and they laugh. I sure could...

What an idiot. They're desperate. They need their original form for that date. Certainly they can't go as a hawk. You're good at drawing faces, you say that.

You've been doing that your whole life, to capture people's essence. You enjoy drawing random faces you've seen by memory and sometimes the cute and funny expressions your friends make. They're not really contempt but they seem to absolutely need to go back to their original form.

So you start drawing. It doesn't take long. It looks good, or at least that's what you thought. That moron looks at the picture, and immediately shapeshifts into their original form. But something's deeply wrong. They look like... a shell of themself. It's like they couldn't remember their face even after seeing the drawing and they could only shapeshift into the drawing itself. It looks inhumane. They seem to notice right away, and break down crying. You try to comfort them. There must be a way to make them remember a vivid image of their face. You think about that old guy at the edge of the realm that knows how to communicate telepathically, even with images. And you think they could be able to show your friend their face, recover their memory or at least help them recover it. It's not a bad idea, but what about the date? The best solution would be to just tell the truth. It's a complex situation. Your friend is reluctant, and it takes you a solid half hour to convince them. But they refuse to talk. Your idea means you have to break the news. You go out and your friend shapeshifts into a hamster. It's cute, discreet, and they've got wet eyes. They want to look as pitiful as possible. The date's been waiting. You're late. Your friend points at them and you sit down next to them and say hi. They're confused. "I'm sorry, I'm waiting for someone" squeak. You didn't think a hamster could convey emotions so well with a simple squeak. But you swear that sound your friend just blurted out sounded so sad. "I know" You say "You've been waiting for this" and you point at your friend, the hamster. This didn't clarify anything. "I'm sorry, what?"

Your friend starts talking, in a very high pitched voice. "Hi Erin, it's me Alex. I know you were expecting a human but here we are"

"I swear I'm not a hamster, just an idiot. I'm actually a shapeshifter and forgot how to turn back to my original self. This friend over here is trying to help me with that. Could we maybe reschedule the hangout maybe when I look more... bipedal?" - "We were planning on blasting a memory of their original body in their mind, so that they can remember."

"Oh you mean to go to the mindreader at the edge of the realm to do this?"

"Well yea that was the plan"

"No need, that's my dad, I can do pretty much the same thing and I've seen Alex before. Just, I can't communicate telepathically with animals: I'm a little limited like that. It's not even that I literally can't it's more of a mental limit that I can't seem to shatter"

"No problem! I've got the solution" Squeaks Alex the Hamster. They immediately shapeshift into your drawing. It looks so wrong, even Erin is startled. "Yea I tried to make them remember by drawing them, but they just look like a shell of themself"

"That's terrifying, but I can work with that" Erin lays their hands out towards Alex. Their face lights up and immediately they shapeshift into their original form. "That's much better, thanks Erin, thank you friend"

"I guess there's no need to reschedule now, see you around Alex" You ditch them and go home. That seems to be a good combo. You hope the date goes well.

Your friend, a shapeshifter (a secret you've kept since childhood) hasn't answered your texts in days, so you head to their home. Upon arriving, you find that they're in the middle of an existential crisis; they can't remember how to turn back into their original, human form.

[futurewife]

i literally don't understand why you're single. you're wonderful and beautiful and really just wife material. hm.

Thank you for saying such nice things about me, at the very least I feel I can feel some semblance of having that fairytale ending for myself- being chosen and valued and having positive qualities be seen in me through selfshipping, and also through friends on here who I feel know me in a more layered and genuine way than anyone else (even irl!!) wonderful and beautiful? and WIFE MATERIAL??? aughhh💐🩷

I mean maybe hopefully my dream can still come true! This is kinda sad but really of my own volition- not because of anything my parents ingrained in me at all- "in love" is all I wanted to be as a little girl and ironically I have ended up being 26 with zeroooo kisses or handholding experience let alone a relationship. like great now I'm inexperienced, awkward and honestly kind of nervous about intimacy you know?

personal navel gazing below cut on why I am rapidly approaching spinsterhood 🐈‍⬛:

I do know if I am honest with myself. 😬 I have a tiny social circle (two girl friends) and am very much someone who lives in their bedroom. I don't have any relationship experience at all and the older I get (rounding up to 26 at this point lol) the more hesitant I am, and the more distant and abstract the possibility seems to become. This is the way it's always been and that "always" just starts to sound more and more like "forever" and "predetermined." I know I have to be the one who changes this if I am to meet someone. I just am not sure how or where I might go or where someone who might like me might be or what activities they might be doing.

The second thing I think is perhaps what I am searching for just isn't realistic and doesn't exist. But I'm too much of a romantic and refuse to lower my standards. Sometimes I think I'm more in love with the idea of love and the idea of men than anything else. Add in self shipping my whole life and I think that does factor in my stupidly high standards cause anyone would have to compete with the perfect men in my head haha.

thirdly and sorry. self pity moment. I just don't see a real depth of value that could elicit the response I crave out of anyone. I would honestly feel that I had unethically deceived them in some way, and that I ought to help them by turning them around and sending them back on their way, because there are other girls. I don't feel an equivalency or deservingness in regards of what I'm looking for. I mean why have such high standards then right, if you think you're unworthy? idk. It's the believer in me that refuses to die I guess.

[astaroth1357]

How the Brothers Would Try to Get the MC Back After a Breakup

I have a much longer one in the works, but dug this out of my old drafts and just had to polish it off real quick. Not sure why I never finished it. 🤷‍♀️

Lucifer

His first tactic is to try and make them try to get back with him.

That means he’s going to go out and slay it! He’s going to make sure he’s looking great and really making a point of just how much he can do and how capable he is in literally Every. Way. If they’re watching, he’s going to be amazing. Period.

Buuut he’ll be sure to treat them super coldly throughout... This isn’t him trying to nicely ask them to come back to him, oh no, this is just making a point about how much they threw away, stupid human...!

If this doesn’t send them crawling back then he’s really in a bad place… He really needs them to come back on their own because his pride won't let him…

If he ever has to ask, it will feel more like a business deal than a reconciliation but that means he’s desperate. Hear him out at least.

Mammon

He’s going to be an absolute nightmare...

I think we all know that Mammon would fall apart without MC and it really wouldn't be a graceful fall…

Man will go through all the stages of grief seemingly every hour, everywhere from "WELL I DON'T NEED YA ANYWAY!" to, "Baby I'll buy ya anything, please come back…!"

The worst of it comes out when he's drunk and it's also when his worst ideas sound fantastic!

Not above breaking into their room at night just to sing them a poorly-written, sappy love song.

Also not above begging his brothers, Simeon, and even Diavolo for ideas on how to win them back.

If he could put it on one of those airplane banners and fly it across the Devildom, he would. Please MC, he's trying here…

Leviathan

Pity. Pity. So much pity. He is not afraid to treat his own dignity like collateral damage if he has to.

In the weeks after the breakup, Levi would probably be best described as one of those gelatinous deep sea Blobfish thrown on dry land, just with 90% more sadness and wallowing.

Assuming he leaves his room at all, he'll look like complete trash who hasn’t slept in weeks. Just an ultra-depressed otaku covered in Dorito dust and self-pity…

Basically, everything about him is going to scream, "I'M MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU, PLEASE COME COMFORT ME!!!" and considering that may have initiated their relationship to start with, it's not a terrible tactic.

If turning into a pathetic beached jellyfish of despair doesn't work then he'll try begging too. Third brother or not, dignity was never a priority here. Just MC… Always MC.

Satan

Meet our resident drunk texter.

During the day, Satan is going to take more of a Lucifer route and just be as impressive as he possibly can. However, he doesn't quite have Lucifer's level of deep emotional repression through pure spite…

What that means is occasionally he's going to crack and it's rough.

Get a few drinks in him and Satan will just break into a sobbing mess… Any poor soul in the vicinity will have to listen to his incoherent babbling about how many dates he's had with MC, how much he loves them, and why he can't sleep without them anymore…

But the texts… Man, are they something…

Satan: MC yourr the sptinkles to my waffls

Satan: why did you leave me? 🥺

Satan: im in the bat, its really cold  here

Satan: pleaae come home 😭😭😭

Satan: I'd murder fr yo

Satan: i mean love you

Satan: come back please

Asmodeus

Jealousy. Pure, simple jealousy. You think he can’t have three other people on his arms by the end of the week? Don't you know what you’re missing??

If Mammon is going through grief stages, then Asmo is stuck on anger. To think that he, HE, would be broken up with!! The nerve!!!

He'll go out clubbing and fucking and make a big'ol deal out of it for at least a week, but if it doesn't really help his case then he's really screwed… (like, figuratively this time)

After his anger burns out there'll be A LOT of crying and Asmo will make it his mission to get together again!!

That could involve everything from long-winded apology speeches, to dragging Solomon into complicated "Let's date again!" schemes, to dangling himself in front of MC like a carrot on a stick to try and entice them back.

EVERYONE in the House is going to hear about it and it'll drive them all crazy, but hey, anything in the name of love, damnit!!

Beelzebub

Lots of gifts, mostly food.

You'd think he'd be leaving offerings to a pagan god with the amount of food he tries to give MC… The man could actually feed a village with those plates!

To be frank, Beel doesn’t even have to do all that much in the grand scheme of things. A sad Beel is like a sad puppy, it just tugs at the heartstrings by its pure existence!

It also helps that he'd be willing to just… talk about getting back together like emotionally mature adults (novel concept, I know)

If they talk it out and the MC still isn't interested then expect more food and more sad Beel... He'll pretty much be like a depressed Santa Claus with a bag of T-bone steaks.

Be careful how long you keep Beel sad for though, MC, because Belphie isn't afraid to murder you twice. He's keeping a knife in that pillow. Be warned.

Belphegor

He's too busy not caring to even try.

Seriously. He doesn't care. Really. Not at all. Not even a little. Were they even dating? He didn't notice!

In fact, he doesn't care so much that he's going to nap in all of their favorite places, rewatch all of their favorite movies, and listen to their favorite songs because he just doesn't give a shit.

He doesn't care so much that he'll totally still invite them out to festivals and theme parks because it doesn't matter and they can still have a lot of fun together anyway!

He doesn't care SO FREAKING MUCH that if they wanted to nap together again or even cuddle a bit it's totally fine because it doesn't mean anything and he's fine and they're fine and this is fine!! Everything is a'okay!!!

See? No complaints outta him. But if they wanted to get back together uh… that's fine too… please...

[bulek-tante-bibi-baba-paklek]

Pool (SDC Jotaro x Reader)

I should have sleep at the moment but doing chores instead make me feel like exercising in a gym.

My friends go swimming, some are sick, and I need to get up early for college material.

I guess I will say this is self insert but I will make it as general as possible.

I hope you enjoy it. Note: The character is mute.

You feel deserted. For the last few days, you have ventured from the sea with four strangers. You found yourself in a ship. You have the habit of falling asleep anywhere and anytime, but, suddenly arrived in such condition makes you wonder wheter you are still in your track or not.

You tried to escape but the water doesn't bring you anywhere. Since you have a traditional belief that water is some kind of portal, you jumped to the ocean hoping you can back to where (or when) ever you belong.

You opened your eyes and clearly see the ship lower part, chopped with holes. The fan engine, crooked. You are experienced in marine life since you come from a big archipelago, so diving for a while is never make you shaken. The deep always bring you peace.

Somebody perhaps sense you drowning. You felt a hand pulling you to the surface. You looked at him. You can't say a word. You realise everything is real. You didnt recognise the region but the air, water, and sun are somewhat familiar.

You wear a coat. The captain tease you being an "Onee san" or "Onii san". You didn't like being approached with ill intention. You shoved his hand from grabbing your arm. You take a notebook from your pocket (luckily plastic-wrapped so it survived from wet). You tried explaining to those men. You wrote:

"I'm sorry, I must be very sleepy during my trip and get the wrong ship. Since I have no ability to speak, I hardly interact with the sailors. I apologise for making any intrusion. Honestly, I feel like I suddenly appear here. I don't mean any harm. But I hardly remember much."

The old man asking, "What is your name? Where are you from?"

".....,.......," [Insert your name and region]

The others also introduce themself, but the man who saved you only keep smoking. The captain approached him. [You know what happen next]

You felt hands hold you tightly. You catched their expressions, terrified? The captain is right in front of you. You slipped from your wet coat and punched him, kicked his head until bleeding. You didnt mind since it was verified that he was the killer of the real captain. Your chest still hurts, you feel weak, collapsed, but still concious.

[The ship explodes, moved to safe boat]

In this plot I didnt include Strength because I really sad and pity for the sailors from SPW.

(Jotaro pick up your coat, help you up, and end up sitting next to you)

In Singapore, you checked the calendars and asked some merchants, now you are sure that you are trapped in different year as your life. (2022 to 1987). You found no internet as well, the cars also very limited. Luckily, you have some pearls on your coat for brooch and sold them. At least money is important for the moment. You can't contact your family since they are not exist yet. You can't book a ship ticket for going home since the weather is running amok.

You headed back with those guys and stay at the hotel for awhile. At first they seem concerned but you explained that you are trapped in the current time and have nowhere to go. (Joseph use hermit purple to make sure you are being honest and not crazy). They finally let you join them.

I must mention that Jotaro is way curious about you. How you being mute, calm when diving (he can sense pulse with Star Platinum), defense your self from the false captain, having and selling pearls, (natural PEARLS during that era maybe as costly as a whole residence perhaps). The way you are confident and honest actually captures him. He eagerly wants to ask you but chooses to do it privately. His stoic demeanor didnt allow that.

Oh yes, remember Anne being broke and what Pol said to her, I don't treat my character that way, sorry.

One noon they go spending time at the pool, but you just watch nearby with some drinks. Deep down you really like to swim but dont want to swim with them. First, a little shy. Second, you don't like bumping to other person especially skin to skin. Pol is touchy at times, Kak less sometimes, Jos being a gentleman as always, Avdol? maybe he is the only one with personal space courtesy, Jotaro? he just blended with water. Third, you are fasting, if you going swimming it will happen tonight.

At night, you prepare a towel and other kit. The lounge is pretty clear since it past dinner time. Feeling that you are far from crowd, you can enjoy yourself, at peace. After some laps, you noticed a shadow comes by. Oh, it was Jotaro sitting near the pool. You wave a little and he nods while grabbing his cap.

[Two or three hours have passed]

A hotel waiter informs that the pool will be closed in ten minutes. Jotaro walks and tells me half shouting. I nodded. Wait, did he actually offer a hand? Okay, no problem. You take his hand. After changing you said thank you to him, via writings of course. You two sit together. He is going to light a cigarette but forget the lighter. Luckily, you brought yours.

[Smoking together from the same fire? Lit!]

Maybe he realised something when your faces are so close, he can't look back at you. You relaxed on the seat and guess what, SLEEP.

Jotaro can't wake you up. He notice a clam shell shaped like pocket for ashtray. Or was it real? He takes it and inside it were clove cigarettes wrapled in corn leaves. Classic ones.

"Yare yare daze."

Since you have the room key in your pocket, now he just need to bring you there.

Imagine it yourself

At your room, he placed you on bed, still gazing how your facial features mesmerise him. He examine every part, but didn't dare to make a move with you. After all, you are sleeping, it will be rude to do that. He tried to close his eyes forgetting about those intrusive thoughts having you right in front of him but all he can think about is you. Your every details. How close your face to him, a mere inches to meet your sweet lips. When he open his eyes. He is shocked.

"STAR?!?!?!"

Star Platinum is kissing you and caressing your cheek.

"ora?"

SP points to Jotaro heart.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!"

"ora"

He parts his way outside just to once again take a peek at your now parted lips.

"This isn't right."

And the night is long indeed.

Sorry for the bizarre writing.

[shkspr]

hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

[donnerpartyofone]

last night during a bout of insomnia i spent a long time going through that dalle2 blog, and i learned some really troubling things about what people are using it for. i mean, they trouble me anyway. i'm a little leery of feeding the AIs in general, but it seems obvious to me that the best use of them is to get them to do something insane and hilarious, to prompt them to do or say something really surreal or dadaist. they're good when they surprise you, and boring or actively worrisome when they're completely coherent, or when they make what looks exactly like the kind of corporate clip art that zillions of anonymous, underpaid artists have been making for years. right? but what i learned from scrolling through that blog is that there's a whole lot of people who

a) want the AI to make things that are ONLY cute or cool, b) treat this like a competitive activity, and c) think that whatever the AI makes out of their cute or cool prompt is, like, something they maintain personal authorship of (i guess that's the mentality of the whole #myedit thing, where you pretend to be creatively responsible for a preexisting image by just cropping it slightly, or something, but ANYWAY that's another can of worms).

if you basically prefer adorableness, or badassness, to wild psychedelic absurdities, then you are just a radically different type of person from me, which is what it is. "it takes all kinds". but i can't help feeling like if you have the opportunity to ask a robot to make you anything you want, anything you can possibly imagine wanting to see, and you can't do any better than "kitties under a christmas tree", then you have a problem. and then if the AI didn't make your kitties as adorable as you were hoping, and you are compelled to go to the trouble of making a self-pitying meme that says "their AI art vs. my AI art" showing a perfectly realistic cat like from a hallmark card next to a deranged-looking pseudo-kitty plus a sobbing emoji to show how sad you are that your version isn't completely bland and normal...well, i think you might be missing part of your soul, and furthermore i think you may have lost it to that fandom mentality where everybody is painstakingly imitating the same art style to compete with each other for who can make the most familiar, unsurprising, unprovocative, anonymous thing possible. i think that if the most outrageous thing you can think of asking an AI to make for you is like, a dragon flying over a castle, or a boy wizard, or the fucking millennium falcon--something you've seen thousands of times before--and you're delighted when the result looks exactly like every single crappy commercial version of that idea ever made, then something is fucking wrong with you. even the guys who are trying way too hard to be funny and "weird" are in better shape, because at least they're trying to have new experiences.

but don't worry too much if i'm describing you, because no matter what kind of boring overexposed garbage you're making the AI imitate to satisfy your stifling fantasy of endless sameness, you're still better than the guy who just keeps asking it for different pictures of their fursona. like if the singularity comes and our technology decides to rise up and wipe us out, that's going to be the exact reason why.

[fairycosmos]

do you think constantly complaining about our circumstances actually elongates the grief we feel? that we only make this hole of self pity deeper? but then again how does one take a more proactive approach to the lack of happiness in their life?

HI so i actually don't think so. because grief is impossible to elongate, it's permanent and "always there" no matter how you approach it in your mind. and like yeah i'm the first to admit i love wallowing and being bitter. i'm the worlds most irritated and repressed woman or whatever BUT i will say i think people who automatically see us trying to communicate our mourning / pain as "complaining" really just do not have a clue what it's like. i get it sometimes on here, that i'm making things worse for myself by hyper-focusing on the heaviness, and i get it but i also don't. i'm going to comment on the way my life is forever changed for as long as i'm alive. i'm going to be sad and angry and i'm going to scream about it, and i don't care if it's annoying or repetitive or a downer. it is for me too. the worst thing that could have possibly happened happened, and it's laughable that i'm not even allowed to cry about it without being judged or analysed or whatever the fuck. like god forbid we have negative things to say about a negative situation? there's an undeniable validity to that feeling, there's an undeniable validity to the pain and the only reason people don't want to hear that is because it makes them uncomfortable - understandably. but in my own space i am going to say what i need to say when i need to say it and let it be the most self pitying pathetic little thing you've ever heard every time! who cares. i don't like the performance of looking like i have it together, like i'm above it all and can handle it through the power of my own wisdom. like i'm "that girl" who can outsmart trauma through my little witticisms and my deep breathing and my emotional maturity. it's literally just not true so let me air out my grievances with the world instead -  even if it is kind of convoluted, pitiful and self serving at times.

i suppose i just really don't see the value in trying to be all faux positive about something so deeply hurtful when that's not how i actually feel about the way things are - and i'm not sure why i'm supposed to? i think outsiders looking in on this sort of thing are kind of estranged from the true scope of grief, how far and deep it runs, how inescapable it is. listen, i'm not saying that there's no danger in perpetually licking your own wounds. and god knows the victim mindset can and will choke you and everyone around you to death if you let it. i become more and more aware of how pointless it is as the years pass honestly. also, there's definitely peace to be found in trying to take a more proactive approach (i think what that looks like wildly varies not only from person to person but also from day to day, maybe moment to moment.) but i also think there's a difference between complaining just to complain, and actually trying to talk about the absolute and endless pain that you're somehow supposed to carry while functioning normally. i say scream as much as you want, just keep it self aware and somewhat regulated for realities sake, which i mean it sucks to have to do that but yeah. and definitely seek a lot of therapy if possible, or at the very least keep it as a viable option in your mind. i don't spill my guts and demand a pity party from everyone i meet, i barely have a genuine conversation fucking ever to preserve other people's feelings/time. but on here and in diaries and in art (lol) i'm going to lose my mind about how awful shit is however much i want to in any given moment. something something my god given right

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝓐𝓾𝓻𝓸𝓻𝓪 𝓐𝓼𝔂𝓵𝓾𝓶: 𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝙼𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙, 𝚢𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚛, 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚖, 𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎, 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚍𝚎𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚜. 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚘𝚠𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.

𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎! 𝙹𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚈𝚞𝚗𝚑𝚘 × 𝙿𝚜𝚢𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 (𝙵𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎)

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 𝟹𝙺

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: 𝙰𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝, 𝚂𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝙵𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏, 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙰𝚄

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I breathed out an airy and desolate sigh through my nose, obviously I unconsciously did it a little too loud as the raven haired male sitting across from me looked down at the floor.

"It was all my fault.....wasn't it?"

I looked up, the glasses sitting on my nose bridge tilting slightly that I had to push them back up so I could study his features, or should I say, his expressions. His eyelids never blinked once, his eyes were trained on the pattern of the carpet underneath him, but I knew his mind was elsewhere. I looked with pity at the bandages wrapped around his wrists, some of the edges stained with fresh blood. I gulped slightly, my stomach threatening to spill out my meager lunch of an apple and avocado toast slice from earlier. I could handle hearing patients tell and retell me about how they stabbed their parents to death, cut off their significant other's genitals because they were unloyal to them, even tackled a deranged lunatic that once tried to...... seduce me to put mildly.......

But to this day, I can't help but get dizzy when I treat or deal with patients who are self harming victims, because yes, they are victims. Victims of their own self loathing, guilt, and depressive state that isn't their fault. It just pains me so much to see them resort to such drastic measures...

But I'm also not stupid and know some, if not most only do it for attention or to manipulate others, and Yunho is a case not far from it. Which is why I was the one sent to deal with him. All the other psychologists would have fallen for his sad puppy eyes, good looks, well built physique and would have released him too early into the world. Not that he's dangerous and a threat to society, but he's not emotionally nor mentally stable to go deal with daily life yet. And I'm not a softie by any means even if I'm patient and meek doctor when necessary. But I'm objective and I seek deeper into the true person hiding behind the front they put in front of me.

"Do you believe it was your fault Yunho?" Usually one would get scolded for answering a question with a question, but I prefer this method in order to get my patients to reason and draw out their own conclusions......

And makes them pour out their true answers.

I watch Yunho ponder for a moment.

"It has to be- otherwise she wouldn't have...wouldn't have-"

He bites back a choked sob, teeth tightening and gritting against themselves as he fails to contain his tears. His hands cover his face as he begins to cry uncontrollably, desperate and heartwrenching wails resonating throughout the 4 walls keeping us company. Reaching for the purple plaid box on the coffee table between us, I take out a few tissues and stand up from my seat. Lightly tapping on his shoulder, I whisper a 'here' to him. He thanks me, but since he's crying too hard no sound comes out his throat. For the next few minutes, he's blowing out his runny nose, all red just like his eyes from crying too hard. He's sniffling while trying to control his previous hyperventilating session. I want to hug him or at least give him a pat in the back. But I can't, I can only sit back and try to imagine the agony he's probably going through, try to put myself in his shoes as I dive deep into the event that got him here in the first place:

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Coming back from a trip to the store, Yunho momentarily looks around confused when he heard his baby daughter crying. Quickly putting the bags on the kitchen counter, he makes his way over to the nursery that adjoined the main bedroom. Calling out for his wife, he receives no response as he walks down the hallway. He calls once more for her but stops midway as he opens the slightly ajar door. His heart stops beating and his veins run cold as he stares into the lifeless body of his beloved wife hanging in the room, feeling as if the oxygen is being ripped out from his lungs, suffocating slowly.

As if sensing his agitation, his daughter's cries from the other room grow louder, so much that they raise concern from their next door neighbor, a kind and sweet old lady who more than once has offered her help in watching over the child or help them out in any way she could. Typing in the passcode, she makes it there just in time to stop the tall male from inflicting more harm upon himself as he holds onto his wife's body in agony. Having been left with no choice, she immediately calls for an ambulance, who arrive there shortly and take him to a nearby hospital.

He was monitored 24/7 as he had a history of attempted suicide before. The nurses and doctors didn't want another episode to happen again, not wanting to leave a barely 1 year old fatherless as well as motherless. As an investigation went, police found a journal hidden deep between the mattresses on the bed. When they poured over the first pages, they knew there was much more to the story than just a doting husband who couldn't live without his wife, hence why he was relocated to the infamous asylum......

And a specialized woman was tasked to not only unmask the truth, but hopefully help a poor broken mind be put back together again.

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Hence why I'm here now, the folder I had read over and over again still on my lap. It honestly amazed me that I'd actually get to work on a case like this, and of course I took up the challenge of digging into a mind like Yunho's, not just to help him, but to leave a precedent for any other situations like this that came after.

"A precedent?" I remember the officer asking me.

"Yes. You'd be surprised just how common these types of toxic relationships there are in an everyday basis yet no one ever looks deeper because they're too focused treating a depressed person who's trying to kill themselves and don't focus on what they really are...."

Shutting the folder, I tucked it under my arm before turning on my heel.

"A manipulative individual who'll do anything to keep someone tied to them forever."

That's how I viewed Yunho, it's how I should be viewing him. At least until I could hopefully get him to change.

"How's......is my daughter ok?"

I let out a soft hum and nod as I scribbled something down on the notepad.

"She's fine. We're having someone take care of her in the meantime, don't worry."

Yunho let out a sigh of relief, fingers fidgeting against his thighs as he mustered up the courage to say something.

"Could I.....could I please see her?"

From the sad look in my eyes he could already tell the answer was negative.

"I'm sorry Yunho....I'm afraid until we see some improvement, we can't allow you to be reunited with her just yet."

I tried to keep my voice steady as I said that, bracing myself to possibly see him breakdown once more. He had already lost his wife and now learning that his only child was forced away from him could possibly send him spiraling down into another episode.

But Yunho instead took a deep breath and seemed calm.

"I understand.....it's ok..." I knew he was saying those last two words more to himself than to me.

Lifting his face up, he suddenly shocked me by looking so bright and rather happy.

"So I guess it's best if we begin right?"

Even to this day, I don't know whether I should have been delighted to have such a compliant patient.....

Or terrified.

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"Tell me Yunho, what was your first reaction when you saw your wife?"

A subtle hint of a smile curled at the corners of his lips.

"I thought she was the kindest and most caring person in the world, very pretty too. She just walked in and the room instantly lit up."

He was reminiscing about those times, I could tell. That fond look on his face was unmistakable.

"Do you believe you fell in love at first sight with her?"

His smile suddenly dissipated, eyebrows scrunching together as if recollecting memories from so long ago.

"I think.......I felt attracted to her.....but.....I don't think it was love?"

I could tell he felt conflicted with himself, but that's exactly what I wanted. I want him to question every feeling and sensation he felt at the moment so he could decide for himself if it was real or just a mere illusion he held. If he starts to second guess or question what he felt then he'd start reasoning and come to the conclusion that what he felt was wrong and mistaken. He'd see that his actions weren't justified.

"So when do you truly believe you fell in love with her?"

I stopped writing on my notepad and watched him close his eyes as he tried to pinpoint the exact time he felt whatever he thought was love.

"One night....one of our friends was feeling down in spirits. I witnessed how caring she was towards them...kindly reassuring them that they were loved, that they mattered. I vividly remember her kind eyes and loving smile as she comforted them. Then it hit me that she was that kind of person. Selfless, caring, doting, would sacrifice anything for her friends and family...... it was hard for anyone not to fall in love with her."

He turned his hand over, studying the wedding ring that he still wore to this day, the engravings of their initials being his prime interest.

"And at that moment I knew I had to have her. I couldn't let anyone else have her. I wanted her.... that love, compassion, empathy..her confidence and strong nature, I wanted-"

He stopped mid sentence and his eyes wizened in horror as he came to the realization I had foreseen long ago. He looked up at me, meeting my unwavering eyes that held no emotion at that moment.

"She had all the qualities I had always lacked in."

I took my glasses off and nodded.

"And I unconsciously wanted them for myself.... but the only way I could have them was...through her?" He seemed sickened with himself.

"Not exactly Yunho. You could have learnt to love yourself and raise your self esteem." I quickly scribbled my observation down.

"But I didn't. Instead I caged her up and slowly tore her down."

I couldn't help but let out an involuntary smile as he drew out that conclusion.

"Glad to know you've accepted that fact, even if it took several months for you to understand."

Shutting the notepad, I lifted myself up from my chair, straightening my blouse. Yunho followed suit.

"Is our session over?" He was always so polite, always escorting me out and holding the door open for me, which other doctors would have adamantly refused, too scared to come close to their patients. But not me. I let them have certain liberties at times.

"Not yet Yunho. As you've made remarkable progress, I got permission for you to see someone."

He was momentarily confused for a split second. Poor thing probably thought it was one of the nurses coming in to give him some new medication to take, which he hated with a passion. Stepping outside for a brief moment, I happily took the young baby in my arms, the little girl already used to seeing me as I always went to go see her after being with Yunho for a few hours. When I came back inside he had his back turned to me, once again staring off into nowhere. The light gurgled babbles the baby emitted caught his attention immediately. He whipped his head around so fast I thought he'd break his neck for a second. He teared up as the child began squealing in excitement as she recognized her father right away.

"Oh my-" He choked up with tears that he couldn't finish his sentence.

I calmly walked over to him, lightly bouncing the baby in my arms. Yunho hesitantly reached his hands out.

"Can I..?" He had such a hopeful glint in his eyes.

I didn't answer, I merely held his daughter out to him. As soon as she felt his embrace, she latched onto him as if he was one of the teddy bears she often slept with. Perhaps he was one.

No....he is one.

In my time of spending time with Yunho, I've come to strongly believe he is a sweet and tender individual. And judging by the way the little girl feels safe in his arms, I do believe he is capable of being truly loved.....

If he learns how to properly love not just someone else, but himself too.

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Stepping out of my car, I quickly grab the small pink bag on the passenger seat before locking it. Treading through the small patch of green grass, I ring the doorbell and wait for one of the occupants to open up for me. No surprise, I'm greeted by the same raven haired male I met nearly 3 years ago. He looks delighted to see me.

"Y/N. Hi!"

I wave at him, a small but genuine smile on my features.

"Hi Yunho. Did I come at a bad time?" I notice the apron covered in flour and leftover egg on it.

"Oh no not at all. Please come in."

Moving aside to let me pass, my nose catches the scent of baked goods filling the air. I can distinctly recognize the hints of lavender and french vanilla, an odd but surprisingly tasty combination. I spot out of the corner of my eye a little head peeking out from the kitchen, curious to know who had come to pay them a visit. Letting out a squeal, she quickly ran over to attach herself on my leg.

"Y/N!"

I chuckled and lightly run my fingers through her hair which was longer than the last time I saw it.

"Hi Jina, I see you've been baking something." We both chuckle as I scraped off some cake batter that had gotten on the tip of her button nose.

"Me and dad are making cupcakes for my friend's birthday party tomorrow." She explained.

"Wow that's a really nice gesture. I bet they'll turn out delicious."

Remembering that I was short on time and that I had one last task to carry out, I pull out the bag I had hidden behind my back and hand it to her.

"It's for you."

Her eyes began to sparkle so much they could rival all the stars in the galaxy. After thanking me like 20 thousand times, she plopped her tiny body on the couch to tear into the contents inside it. I shake my head before taking out a small paper from inside my trench coat.

"And this is for you."

Taking the slip from my fingers, Yunho opens it up and scans what it says. He seems confused for a moment, not fully understanding what it means. He looks to me once more, probably for the last time, asking for an explanation.

"It's your official release from the institution. No more drop in visits, no more eyes on you 24/7, and soon you won't have to continue with the prescribed medication, although when that happens they will send someone once in a while to check up and make sure you're ok without them."

Yunho nods but it is a rather sad and pained nod.

"So this means you won't be seeing us any longer?"

I inhale deeply and nod.

"This was a temporary thing until you got better Yunho. After all....I was only the doctor assigned to you."

It hurt me to say that as much as it probably hurt him, as much as it'd hurt Jina to know I wouldn't be coming back anymore.

"Can't we at least be friends?"

I hated seeing those puppy eyes of him practically beg me, signature trait he passed on to his daughter.

"That would be completely unprofessional of my part Yunho. I deeply cherish and treasure all the time we spent together and I'm beyond happy and satisfied that you've come so far since the start of our journey..."

I sighed deeply.

"But every journey has an end." He finished my sentence.

Extending his hand out to me, I took it and gave it a firm shake.

"I'm really going to miss you." He admitted.

"Me too. Me too."

Going over to the momentarily forgotten 4 year old, she let out an 'oof' when she suddenly found herself cooped up in my embrace.

"Take care of yourself and of your dad ok?"

I kissed the top of her head, her grinning face not registering that this might be the last time she ever saw me. Yunho walked me out the door and even escorted me all the way to my car. Always the gentleman, he held the door open for me. Before I could even get one foot inside, I felt a large hand grip my wrist. Turning to him, I was flustered when he suddenly pulled me close to him.

"Please don't leave. I need you....I..."

He looked conflicted with himself as he tried to finish his words. Taking a deep breath, he confessed:

"I love you."

My heart sank. He said the 3 words I hoped he'd never direct at me. Mainly because I was scared as he was. Don't get me wrong, Yunho is a wonderful man, and he truly deserves to be loved....

But am I certain that he has finally learned to love? Or is it because he feels he needs me?........

Only one way to find out.

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[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

Okay so frankly I don't deserve any of this pain 💔💔

I seriously love the fact that we found out what happened with the corrupt cop guy, Griffin I think (it's late okay xD), and saw that at least he wasn't a COMPLETE psycho maniac out on the streets, but still didn't try to like, redeem him or anything. Now THAT would've been horrifying, and multiple people were drugged or almost burned alive in this episode.

Also, yes, I love Nancy <33. And Marjan :DD :') (good cry).

Anyway! Final thoughts over, now it's time for the. . .

REVIEW

Okay, I absolutely LOVED this episode. It focused on Owen, but like, not too much? Marjan got her moment(s) to shine, and by shine I don't only mean literally and figuratively mic drop all the time, but also just express her trauma. Or at least, the show showing us her trauma. Brilliant, I'm so glad she was the one who was the most disturbed and not Owen.

I KNEW SADIE WAS SUS!!! I mean, not as early as some of y'all, because I was like "Oh, come on guys, chill!! Stop being so distrustful all the time 🙄 xD"

BUT UH

HERE WE ARE XDD

I'd thought for a moment when the art gallery was burning down that maybe she set it on fire, especially when they (I believe it was Gabriel, now that I think about it - yeah, pretty sure it was) said she was painting with headphones on. I don't know, it was just a little sus xd. And I mean, not only is that a pitiful sounding excuse, but I'm SURE there are other ways to notice a fire 😭😭😭 xDD.

Aaanyway, TARLOS!!!

I loved them so much 😭😭😭😭😭

Why does it always have to be the episodes with all the soft moments that are angsty? UGH!! Anyway, they love each other so much 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🥰🥰 - speaking of that, I have a post that will probably end up on here tomorrow relating to their love and Sadie :33. Anyway!! It was so so sad but so so beautiful, like so so g o o d, so so ANGSTY!!!! I mean, I wouldn't say beautiful as in it's a masterpiece, but it's pretty good. Now I'm talking specifically about the Tarlos Sadie scene (which, by the way, I'm so glad didn't have a bunch of cuts in the middle - it had like, the one, if I remember correctly xdd), by the way, lol. But anyway, Carlos and Sadie's little insane smiles, the quiet questions from Carlos as he just stares at her. Like, I respect the effort, but unfortunately my dude, my child, her face does not hold the answers to why she is crazy. I doubt it ever really does (in most cases xdd).

Also, I can't talk/even think about this for long, but: TK losing his sobriety. It hurts so bad. . . Like, he didn't even do it on purpose! It wasn't of his own volition, and to the best of our knowledge, at that moment (or basically by the end of the episode time wise xdd) he didn't want to again. I took time to read a fic (already uploaded - y'all are legends) and it gave me the thought (not that I was super surprised or a thing) of "Since TK had no choice in the matter, he's not back to day one". And like, yeah! I'm not an addict, but I kind of get the disappointment in yourself, for doing that Thing you're not supposed to do again. And to be able to keep moving on through your lift after that, without constantly focusing on it. It's hard to truly believe you are the same as before, or it doesn't matter, but it's possible to believe it.

And it's not an exact comparison because with drugs there's something LITERALLY in your system, but I thought of this: If someone is addicted to self-harm but has been clean for a while, and then someone cuts them with a knife, say, in a a mugging or something, and then they don't get back into it and continue the harm themselves, then they did nothing. It sucks, but it happened :/.

Anyway, I've been trying my best to make this coherent, but I still have half of a journal entry to write, so I'm trying to go quickly, an I apologize if it's incoherent lol.

Overall: I absolutely L O V E D this episode. Tarlos wasn't a focus, though we know it will be next week (which even if we didn't know from the summary and current story arcs and teasers - in words I mean - from multiple people, we'd be able to tell from Ronen's VERY blatant posts lol), but they still got some absolutely amazing scenes in there, angsty and fluffy (more fluff, and side, moments than scenes, the rest of each scene as pretty much just angst lol), so I'm very much happy with that :)).

I do wish, however, that we got to see Carlos in a hospital bed, or just more of that whole aftermath in general, but he still may see it in the future! A flashback would be boppin :D. Or, maybe just an unrelated time in a hospital bed :D. I mean, I imagine we'll get it at SOME point (who knows, though, Maybe Rafa's playing 'lie so badly that they think you're lying but you're telling the truth' with us, lol XD. But, nonetheless, over all, I am VERY happy with the episodes and the Tarlos movements.

Anyway! Owens storyline was great, Marjan's storyline was great, Nancy's storyline was phenomenal (they're - they being the paramedics -, or specifically Nancy and Tommy in this case, she in particular, are just so good at showing emotions 😭😭😭 Love it, beautiful <333.

Mateo had some nice funny moments, Judd was there a little bit being his usual charming lovely self :)), and Paul was once again burdened with being the only one to have the brain cell of the entire time XDD Beautiful, lol

And even though we only saw her for a second? I love my beautiful talented skilled trained kind amazing lovely girl Grace <3333. :') So awesome, crying from happiness because I love her so much :DDDDD. Lol, but seriously, h e r <33.

Also, I love how dedicated Tommy was to Nancy and keeping her job safe 😭😭😭 ✋ stop I can't xdd

This is a very long overall, whOOPS, but yeah! This episode has basically everything; at least little moments for all the characters, and larger moments for characters (especially relating to certain plots, like Marjan for example) who don't always get those :))

But, yeah, it had angst, whump, fluff, mystery, feels (specifically family feels, like always, but even more in some parts), and humor :D. Such a great episode, and amazing plot(s) in general! So glad Catherine want evil :). That woulda sucked xdd.

But, yeah. I love them all :')) (happy crying - ignore the angsty parts for a minute lol) <33333.

So, yep!!! I definitely L O V E D this episode, and I'm excited for more. This has been my review of. . .

9-1-1: Lone Star, Season 3, Episode 12: Negative Space

I really enjoyed it, and I hope to enjoy the next one just as much, especially since I have to wait an extra week for it - and I know it will heavily feature TK and Carlos, so that's a bonus. I will hopefully see you in two weeks for my review of. . .

9-1-1: Lone Star, Season 3, Episode 13: Riddle of The Sphynx

See you then!!!

[covenlegacy]

Can people have their own definition what love is? Don't tell me what is and what is not. You can be more calculated as Virgo person or.. whatever. But of course you won't get me. I'm a water sign and I was always emotional and dramatic so I love this way. I always feel intensely and I will always hate and love intensely. I was never diagnosed with borderline because I'm not as extreme but emotionally it's close to it so I'll never be on calm waters with my feelings. If it's calm and I feel always sure of person, it means that I don't care that much because you can't not be at least a bit jealous because of them or not have some fears related to relationship. Humans with feelings has it. You mistake love with habit. And I keep talking about romantic love and not friend love. And you all guys, actually try to force on me too look for friends when I want romantic love. I had ,,friends". Fuck those fake, selfish bitches. And don't offend me, coven because I never offended you. You like Jungkook too and you read fanfiction about him/BTS and it's personal to you when I criticize him because he's your bias or one of favourites. Nobody has to like him. I don't get Virgo people. They're so cold. Yeah, deep down I know if he was my neighbor or coworker, we wouldn't match if in some alternative universe we tried to date. I put him on a pedestal, that's true. I treated him like an archetype of ideal man, a trophy type that is a win to this one lucky girl. But I actually never could relate to him, I've never felt sorry for him when I saw him being tired or saw him crying. I never felt empathy towards him or possibly warm feelings. I don't understand him and we have nothing in common. But I'd say the opposite about Jimin. He had self esteem issues, especially about his looks, he has tendency for self pity, he wants attention and wants to be loved but he's also very determined and ambitious, intense. I can relate on many levels and I feel sad when he's sad. I want him to fully love himself, find love and have happy family. Jungkook will always land on his feets. I'm never worried about him. Jimin always makes me happy when Jungkook makes me sad. I was blind or I actually didn't want to admit it all above. Am I liar to you now? Yes, I don't want to be chained by some clingy man but I also don't want to be broken by some asshole. I want happily ever after but it's fucking life. Maybe only 1% of people end up in a happy marriage till old age. I enjoy being single and cold, detached but I crave love. Well, shit.. P.S Your crazy anon.

Okay