#I mean tbf it got worse with the ptsd

[pixlokita]

Me: man why don’t I have friends irl

Someone: hi :>

Me: -on the verge of tears- I want to go home.

[papa-rhys]

Why are you agoraphobic? I'm just curious, i know there's not really always a reason for it or anything but what is like the thing that scares you the most about going out alone? (coming from someone who maybe?? might be?? agoraphobic?? from intense social anxiety)

Ooohh boy lmao where do I start. The scariest thing about going out for me is literally just the act of going out. The open space is scary, the people are scary, the risks are scary. Hell, I’m even terrified of the ocean and outer space/the damn sky because of agoraphobia. Any open space at all is an absolute no go. I legit had a panic attack last time I saw the Orion constellation in the sky over my house because it was fucking terrifying to me. Cause it’s open space. And I used to cry at the thought of dipping my feet in the ocean at the beach. Still refuse to do it. Lakes, swimming pools, all of it scares me. It sounds dumb and I can’t explain what it feels like or where it comes from. All I can say is that it scares me sick, like I literally shake and convulse and dry heave (I don’t throw up cause I’m on multiple sickness meds thank christ lmao). Of course, crowds in public make that fear even worse. Mine is mostly intense general anxiety and really bad paranoia, but I’m not 100% sure on the exact reason. I mean, one of my therapists once said that basically I see my abusers everywhere I go and I hear them talking to me (literally, through hallucinations) so being around a lot of people gives my brain a tonne of opportunities to pull spooky shit on me. So I guess that could be a reason? I’m also severely OCD and have the most intense emetophobia (which I’m getting PTSD therapy for once the pandemic is over and hospitals are available again, fingers crossed cause this phobia shit ain’t no joke jfc) so I’m absolutely petrified of getting sick from people (would genuinely rather die than throw up, can’t even handle people talking about it or mentioning it without a panic response). Sooo my brain does the math and comes up with “people = sickness = fear.” Either way, I tend to get super agitated and fearful when I’m in public. But I honestly have too much going on in my noggin to really say what’s causing what tbf lmao it’s really just a mess up there. 

As for your case, I’d say that it’s definitely possible that you could have a case of agoraphobia, given that you have intense social anxiety. It’s really common in those of us who have anxiety disorders, especially socially based ones. So if you get the chance once the pandemic is over, then it might be worth speaking to a doc about it? They can assess you and if they think you have it, then they’ll be able to refer you to the proper channels to see if they can help you get it sorted. It’ll take a while because these things do, but it’s better than keeping quiet about it like I have for the last decade and ending up losing a huge chunk of your life. I never got to be a teenager and I’m fast losing my 20′s too, so honestly whatever you, do not be like me. Seek help and work on sorting out whatever the issue turns out to be. Try to tell people exactly how you feel, even if you feel silly, and make sure you give into the fear as little as possible because the second you give into it, it consumes your entire self forever and you can never fully get its claws out of you

[sunsetsover]

itsonlysound replied to your post “not to be That Bitch but i hope now that it’s been established ben and...”

I don't think their relationship happening off screen will soothe any of that. I think it might make it worse because it's actually starting to bug me, and I'm looking forward to the Whitney stuff. I'm just really suspicious of how EE are going to handle them as a couple, moving forward. Will they be treated the same as a straight couple would? The jury is still out.

i think there will always be people (like there are with any ship) that will always want the show to become The Ballum Show and will seriously, genuinely complain when they’re not on screen together or when their relationship isn’t the focus bc of whatever reason, but i just try to ignore those people bc they clearly either don’t understand that this is a soap with dozens of characters and stories and a lot of the time things happen (with relationships especially) off screen for the sake of time, or they just straight up don’t care. i know ppl are still gonna complain that their date gets ‘interrupted’ (if it even actually does bc all we have to go on rn is a few spoiler pics) but i think some ppl thought that the date at e20 was gonna be their first date since callum coming out/bex’s party (which a lot of ppl aren’t really counting as a proper date) so i was kind of hoping that now that they’ve established ben and callum ARE having other dates and their relationship IS progressing (albeit off screen, but that’s completely to be expected in a soap. the only time you ever see dates in soap is if there’s some kind of drama or problem. they aren’t gonna show you a date that goes well unless it’s for plot, which at this point it’s not for callum and ben - however the date where whitney turns up at e20 at the same time as them IS good for plot, which is why they’re showing it.) they wouldn’t feel as like... jaded bc of what’s gonna happen w whitney, you know? but there will always be ppl who r gonna complain regardless and i just do my best to ignore them lmao

i’m kinda looking forward to the whitney stuff too!! but i said it in another post, i think there are people who don’t care about callum or ben (especially callum) as characters, only as 1/2 of ballum. so they don’t care that it’s perfectly in-character for callum or that callum will ofc still care about whitney and her well being or that he’s being a good friend to her rn bc it interrupts The Ballum Show 🤡 (although tbf that’s not everyone’s reasoning to be upset, but that definitely some people’s. what annoys me more is ppl jumping to conclusions before even seeing the ep, but that’s an issue i have w spoilers in general, not just these ones)

but i mean why would they not treat them the same as the other couples in the show? bc they’re 2 men? i think ee has always been pretty good in that regard to be fair. if anything i think bc ee know ballum has it’s own fans and is bringing attention to the show, ben and callum may get MORE screen time as a couple than most other couples do, but other than that i don’t think they’ll be treated any differently? like going forward i think maybe we’ll see some more of them establishing themselves as a couple, maybe the ‘boyfriend’ talk, perhaps teething pains with them finding their feet as a couple, but i think now that callum’s out and their first ‘arc’ is over, it’ll now blend more into them having kind of separate storylines that will inevitably overlap bc they’re in (or will be in) a relationship - ben’s criminal behaviour, callum’s ptsd (bc i do think this will come eventually, maybe in the new year), perhaps his beef w leo if he’s already sensing smth isn’t right there, maybe the two of them supporting jay through his upcoming storyline. it just seems like natural progression from here to have it go that way. i’m not gonna speculate long term bc that just leads to disappointment, but overall? idk why they wouldn’t be treated the same as any straight couple on the show, esp when they’re obviously aware of the attention this couple has got them.

[duchessofostergotlands]

Hello

Hey Jess, I wrote you recently about something Victoria said about anorexia, did you get that? oh well, I wanted to tell you how right you are about being professionally diagnosed. I have BPD but after a stupid test with a million silly questions I was told i had “only” PTSD and referred to a great psychiatrist. we worked well together with my psychologist cos they weren’t acting on labels they were working with me on how I felt. But I still had missing puzzle pieces in trying to understand why I felt in certain ways. When talking to my psychiatrist about a low period she said something like “don’t worry, this is typical of bpd…”. I told her I was told I didn’t have it and she explained how idiot her boss had been and that yes she had known me for years at that point so she was sure about her diagnoses. Ok, tbf certain doctors tend to treat me as their equal more than a patient, even though I was much younger, and they don’t explain to me carefully what they should. Going home, I read all about it and I was exhilarated! I finally knew why my brain worked differently, why I felt so much, why the little failure would bring back all the biggest ones and so on. It was quite the turning point. Not that I didn’t have difficulties again after that, but I had a different understanding of my reactions and my thoughts. I hope you don’t mind me sharing my experience!

ps: you always do a good job on the blog. How nerdy victoria looks with her archery target? damn, so much love!

Submission from anon

Hey my dear :) Sorry for taking so long to respond to you. I’m not sure if I got the Victoria message. Did you manage to find an answer to it?

I saw this thing the other day that said that there needs to be two experts in a room for therapy to work: the therapist and the client. You are the best expert in your own mental health and they’re there to help you sort through it and work on it. Unfortunately the lines between different conditions can be fuzzy and you often have to fight hard to get seen by a specialist who could diagnose you with the right condition. That means a lot of people get the wrong diagnosis and therefore the wrong care. And it’s even worse if you’re from a background which doesn’t have a good understanding of mental illness or if you’re more vulnerable- including being younger like you were- because you’re almost trained to either accept the views from a professional or you think that they must know more than you because they have the fancy qualification. I fought really hard to get my BPD diagnosis because I had a background in psychology and knew I had more than depression. But not everyone is in that position. Thankfully it sounds like you had an awesome psychologist who could help you but it’s frustrating to think that you could have had this help earlier if you’d been assessed correctly. And I definitely agree that it can change the way you feel about your mental health. Some people resist diagnoses and I can understand that but for me personally it was a huge relief to know that I’d been right about my health and that there were new options in meds and therapy for me. It was a huge reassurance for me to have that diagnosis so I could research my options and find out more about the mechanisms behind what I experienced. I’ve also really valued the group element of therapy that I’m currently doing because I’ve been able to see that I’m not the only person going through this and I’ve also been able to experience what it’s like to witness someone else’s behaviour when they’re in a bad place with their BPD so I’ve been able to almost see what it’s like to be a friend or family member to me. It’s been hugely beneficial. I really struggle to imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t got this diagnosis and this support. I can’t imagine being in the place I’m in today, that’s for sure 

[kangseluigi]

Stream of consciousness I guess dk

I just had a lot of thoughts while being incredibly sad yesterday so lemme just

tumblr deleted my paragraph and won't give it back gvhkjlk but basically I'm just so fucking angry over the audacity of men to think your silence means they are right. Dude, I'm literally just speechless that you have that much confidence in your own stupidity. A dude can see you get dragged to dance class, be put on every diet in the world, get dragged to weight loss programs all week, on top of gym class, AND work out together with you for a year, then stares you in the face and asks "when did YOU ever actually work out????" and when you stare back at him like "!!?!?!?!?!!?!" cause how the FUCK do you not know?? he deadass goes "yeah, exactly!!! See?" Like??? NO?? I don't?! I hate you?!

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But also on a completely different note, I am SO lonely. I have like 2 friends right now I actually, semi-regularly talk to and I am so tired of always relying on them. I already have a phase where I don't really want to talk to my bestie (it's normal, we don't always want to talk, we both have our social-burn out phases or w/e where we just feel too tired and exhausted to talk to each other because we only bring each other down ig, it lasts months sometimes, it's fine, I swear!) and the other one doesn't really want to talk to me or is busy or idk and it sucks cause like, I get it, and I don't want to rely on her too much either, but I literally have no other friends anymore atm, and it's not like I can go out and make new ones lbr. And I don't want to bother her and say "hey I Need help from you" 'cause if she needs a break from me it's deserved, but at the same time, sometimes I DO need help or just someone to talk to, and yesterday sucked so bad but I know that atm she does not read my messages very on time so even begging for help wouldn't do much I guess, but I also don't want to guilt trip her into talking to me or anything?? or force it?

And idk. maybe it's my fault that she doesn't wanna talk to me, because I was too depressed and negative for too long? Maybe she thinks she's gonna get hit with a wall of whining from me if we talk for real? I'd get that, but generally I'm doing so much better, so I really don't know! Maybe it really just is… being busy, being not in the mood. It's just one of those weeks where I wonder if she actually likes me anymore or if she wishes I'd leave her alone, so I'll manipulate it by leaving her alone until she reaches out to me. And it's not that I expect things of her I do not communicate, but how do you say "hey, I'd like to know you a) actually like me b) actually want to talk to me and c) it'd be grand if once in a while you could ask me like…how I am if anything's new, because I make an effort to do that with you and don't feel like that's returned, and I get it, but it'd still be nice" without making things WEIRD?! Our friendship is weird anyway. It's an odd miracle that we became friends in the first place, but while we get along well and have great conversations, we're not the emotional kind with each other. But she also says she's also only got like 3 friends and then is a social butterfly on all social media and idgi

tbf I also don't really want someone to talk to me because they feel they have to, it makes things worse rather than better, which is why I usually just post something here or on twitter going "hey, can someone pls talk to me?" instead of reaching out directly but you know what happens?

Nothing.

Nothing happens at all. no one reaches out and idk why.

I see people interacting with several posts right before and after that one, but not the one where I ask for anyone to just…talk to me. It doesn't have to be deep or meaningful. Just a quick "hey what's up" is enough. You can talk to me about what you ate that day, idc, just let me have some conversation, some social interaction because I am so goddamn isolated, and knowing it all goes ignored is so gutting tbh.

Again, I get that many people might not know what to say, or don't want to deal with someone else's problems but it sucks when you see several people interact with your shit but skip that one

And tbh?

(TW suicide mention/suicidal thoughts, skip to the next line/section if you want)

Another reason I only reach out directly if I know I feel shit but can manage it, somehow, is because if I have any thought that I might relapse in any way, it would be bad for others to see that I begged for someone to reach out and then killed myself when no one did, but ultimately? Everyone would think "shit, why did no one reach out? I was busy/didn't see it/couldn't deal, and that sucks, but why did NO ONE else?" like…people might feel a little shit, maybe regret it, but not feel too guilty. But if I drop you a message, you don't reply on time, and I end up dead, you'd feel directly responsible and that is…not ideal.

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NEW TOPIC

I have …so much trauma? And I don't always know what causes the ptsd. Like

I'll be interacting with a group I enjoy and suddenly I'm mad as hell at them because ????? I'm just suddenly convinced they're all assholes and treat other people like shit or w/e which ??? I mean even if lmao what does that change for *me*? And then as soon as I have that thought I start to question how the once I like can tolerate that behaviour, which I don't even know they actually DO gvfhbwijdlköals what is wrong with me?

I mean, I know it's because my brother abused the shit out of me in many ways and every time I see an average dude weirdly confident in himself and maybe a little too easily pissed off, I get reminded of him on SOME level and suddenly I want to kill all men I GUESS

And maybe it's also because my mother mentioned him callously again, too

but mostly

And this is NSFW-ish and maybe a little too personal but I abandoned all boundaries so: if you don't want to read anything about my sex life, stop here!

I literally only masturbate like…once in a blue moon because I know it increases depression after a while and it sucks for discipline and all that but I just don't understand why sometimes It makes me feel better and i can go on like normal, and sometimes it makes me want to kill myself for the rest of the day.

Does it have to with whether I go to sleep after or stay awake? Does it have to do with which content I consume/what I think about? I DON'T KNOW! Like I know I have trauma and all that, but after years of avoiding it entirely because of that and then getting better and being able to again, I thought we're past that but APPARENTLY NOT!?

I need therapy yo.